Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #419 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: October 6, 2016

Josh Wolf, comedian snd host of the "Fairly Normal" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.    Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/05/2016.
  

Okay, start this. Let's start this and I'll tell you why. See, I could justify every movement because I'm going to talk about what comes with that movement. Those outdoor things were too long in the tooth. Yeah. You don't know till you get there. I agree with that. When you get there, you go, yeah, and no seats, no seats is the problem. The seats, the people that you see, now you're going to see people that are

Jakey's age with a stone shirt on going. Yeah. And you're going to go, oh, no, no, no, no, no. See, I think this weekend is going to be, I'll be on the younger side. I think there's going to be some old motherfuckers there. And I think I'll be in the medium range for age. You know, it's just somebody said something really weird to me. They said, we went to see the, uh, the, the, whatever, John Mayer and,

which is a great tour with the Grateful Dead. Yeah. And then we're like, we went to the fucking bolder shows and we had to walk out. It was just so fucking fake. Start to go with the thing because these are new. So we got to run this show. This show is brought to you by me on these. Me on these focuses solely on producing the most comfortable

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Kick this fucking mule, Lee. Show these youngsters what it's all about. Here we go. Your motherfuckers have no idea. So now why would neither the church of what's happened now? Wednesday, the fifth of October, the king is gone, but he's not forgotten. Hey, hey, my mind.

Rock and roll can never die. Please find out what year this song came out. Seventy five, seventy six. I had to be 13, 12. I was just starting to go on the hunt. I'm going to see that. So you wouldn't want to see this lot. I'm going to see it on Saturday night.

It's not going to be there. I think Neil Young can still get it. I think he can still get it. I mean, he obviously got this. Get it. All right, Lee, shut the music off here. All right, it was August 27th of seventy nine released. Jesus Christ.

I thought I was a lot younger than that when this came out. Seventy nine. I still remember this getting released. And I was at I went to somebody's house late night, like somebody said, go over there and there's going to be girls and shit in my crack. And not in the crack. Like there was one. Hey, guys, look at a fucking killer.

Oh, that first girl in your school that fucked was a popular girl. The first one, the first one when everyone was like, she fucks. I mean, people were knocking on her door all night long. I remember the first girl that we heard in my school, the fuck. We were like, it was amazing. Just the idea that somebody that we knew was fucking was crazy, crazy. I met girls when I went back home three weeks or I met girls on Thursday night that I was in the sixth and seventh grade.

But basically in the sixth grade, when I first got out of Catholic school, that first class I went into was this guy, Mr. Lovito, he had a wig. He was the ecology teacher. Great fucking guy. Let me sing in the classroom. Just just a dynamite fucking guy, Lovito. But we were talking about the two girls that got caught that year.

Fucking every day in the school, Lord as Ramos. I'll never forget this girl. Lord as Ramos, it was a chubby little Cuban girl with a mustache. Who played it off like she never grabbed a dick. And this other girl and this other girl was Lord as was fucking Eddie Lominka. I still remember the sixth grade. That's my memory. They were fucking in sixth grade. Sixth grade, they were playing hooky and going to my friend,

Mario Arias, who's still my buddy is in Vegas now. He used to own a gas station and his parents are always at the gas station. So he had the basement. So every afternoon for fucking three months and they couldn't figure it out. Like two or three, twelve, like two, three days a week. These two girls and these two guys from our sixth grade class. And it was hysterical because you looked at the back of the class and both the same girls are begun and both the same guys are.

And they just happen to get sick every fucking time after 12. And I'll never forget that they got nailed. You know, there was tears. There was a bunch of. How do they get caught? You know, they got caught because somebody finally put it together. Hey, every time Josh Wolf was out, Joe Diaz and Lisa Yat and fucking Tom Segura out, we got some pattern.

Right. And they went to Tom Segura's basement that they were fucking in the basement. Right. And here's the weird thing. OK, sixth grade, you figure you got to really like massage a girl and really make a feel at home. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like nobody's ever going to know, you know, I swear, you know, you're my princess. You got like silk sheets.

You got that presence of mind when you're 12 years old. I did. But because I had I had a big room to talk to myself. Yeah, I had to fucking bed the whole thing. But the chick I found level would only let me dry hump. He had. I was dry humping at the same time while these guys were in the same basement with the two sixth grade girls fucking next to each other. But that's what it's like yours and your brother's bed downstairs.

Yeah, that's it. When your brother's at school, I come over and I fucking chicken in your brother's bed with you on that bed right next to each other in the sixth grade. No, these two girls were savages. They were animals with the dudes, too. Oh, you got to fucking give it to you. You got to tip your head a little bit, right? These guys in the sixth grade when I was in sixth grade, Joe,

the girl that I was in love with Stephanie, right? My big thing, like I had to talk her into letting me go up the back of her shirt. I mean, dry humping was like, you know, I was like, can I move? She was like, no, no, don't move. I'm like, OK, she was like, but I mean, it was a big deal if I could go up. You know, they got the two little bun like the chicken wings. Like if I could go up and if she when I went up the back of her shirt, she would stick her little chicken wing out so I could fondle that a little bit.

But that was sixth grade. Who's fucking in sixth grade? I mean, if someone touched my dick in sixth grade, I would have come. I can't imagine actually fucking in sixth grade. I was sixth grade. I was excited that a girl would dance with me in sixth grade at the dance. At one of those dances, I'd be like, me too. I'd dance with somebody. Yeah, I was dry humping at sixth grade. No, seventh grade was when I was the first girl that touched your dick, not sex. But who's the first girl that actually touched your day?

My mother brought a dirty chick home one night like four in the morning. Stop it. That's the story already, Lynn. Stop it. Stop it. Well, how old were you? How old are you? Probably when I got out of Catholic school and with my mom and dad. No, he was still around my stepdad. And me and that skinny girl were dry humping and nothing ever happened. Yeah, we broke up.

My mom could tell I was a little droopy and one night my mom knocked on the door like a three third of the morning. She's like, OK, though, come on, get up, get up to somebody who wants to meet you. And I was like halfway down and she goes, what are you talking about? She goes, yeah, someone wants to meet you. Come on down. And I still had like I still had like there was other people down there. But I still had like my captain video pajamas on. Yeah. And I went down and I saw the chick.

I started dancing with her. She probably touched my dick like I really aroused and I called the time out. I ran upstairs and put out I put on Sunday's best, you know what I'm saying? I put on the Ricky LaBamba outfit and went back downstairs about four 20 a.m. Killed it, killed it. But, you know, till this day, I have to be honest with everybody. I still remember dancing with her. I still remember my mom and her friends and like the men in the room

with goof and I was like, Coco, he's going to get some time. How old was she? The chick had to be 30. What about you? 12, 13. And I don't I don't you want me to tell you something? Let's say I've never been Cosby. Like I've never really like like even like when you get molested,

people say you black out, you know, and that can work the other way. Yeah. Reverse black, you know, I always thought about maybe it was reverse, like sexual, like maybe my parents shouldn't have brought a girl home for me. But till this day, I'd love to tell everybody that I tapped that ass. I can't remember. I think I went upstairs and from even my excitement now, like I get real anxiety attacks, I guarantee I just passed out. The first time I remembered somebody who even remotely knew what they were doing.

Touched my dick. So it was I had called at the Campus Center and because I grew up in Amherst Mass, right? So UMass, the Campus Center, they had always had concerts. So at the time, Paul Young was singing every time you go away, right? And he was coming to the fucking Fine Arts Center. And I was like, I told my mom, I'm like, hey, can I sleep out overnight for tickets for Paul Young?

And she was like, sure. So me and my buddy Owen Yard, we say over and worth second in line. And behind us are these two freshman girls in college. And so we're fucking around, right? And we're talking, talking. And so we ended up buying tickets in the concerts like the next week, whatever. So she would she must have jerked me off in my cargo pants.

And I had cargo pants, probably not. But I remember fifth, I was probably 15. I feel like we're skipping a big. We're talking, talking, talking, talking, whatever. We in the entire night we're there. She's like, how old are you guys? And I thought I'd lie and be like, I'm 17, you know, doing that kind of. And she was like, you're 17, I'm like, 17.

She's like, yeah, we're freshmen. I'm like, OK, so we're talking, talking the whole night. And that whole night I'm thinking, oh, I think this freshman girl in college wants to fuck me. And I had never fucked anybody before. So and I still at that time thought when you fingered a girl, you were supposed to leave your finger there like you were taking her temperature.

Like I didn't know until much later after I had fingered my girlfriend, Sherry Wilshire. I was I was the last name. I'm sorry. She's dead. So she's dead. Yes, but I remember the first time right in my buddy, Paul. I remember he was like, how to go?

I go, I fingered her and he goes, he goes, really? And I go, yeah, it was just great. I go, I was doing this the whole time. And he was like, well, you didn't just leave your finger there, right? And I go, what? And he was like, I mean, you moved your finger in and out, right? I go, am I supposed to do that? He was like, oh, my God, you just left your finger in her pussy.

So I just lifted there like, like, like I was. She was a Thanksgiving turkey or something, right? So with this girl when I'm a freshman, so we're I'm in the fucking front row at Paul Young feeling it. You know, he's doing his every time you go away, feeling it. Looking back, not my best concert choice, but she puts her hands in my pockets of my, I think I was wearing a parachute pants at the time and just started jerking me off.

And I was like, this is the best night of my life. Here's Paul Young singing every time you go away. They take a piece of me and this girl's jerking me off. And, you know, I was 15 at the time. She must have jerked me off like four times. But there was come all over the inside of your hungry. Your mom's like, what got into you, Joshua? Oh, my, you're not going to believe it.

Can I tell you maybe six years ago, I got a Facebook message from this girl who said, Hey, are you the same guy that I molested at a Paul Young concert when you were a teenager? And I was like, yeah, as a matter of fact, I was machine. I mean, look, she was I was 15. She was a freshman. So what that makes her three years older than me? Ninety three.

Freshman college. Yeah. Freshman college. Eighteen or nine. At least she remembered that she molested you. She took it into account. That's hysterical. That's something she knew. Oh, she knew. She knew.

That was, you know, what's funny, too, is that she was like, you've never told anybody about that. I'm like, nah, I mean, I don't know your name, so you're safe. You know what I mean? But she thought, I mean, the fact that she reached out and jokingly said, are you the guy that I molested? I thought that was pretty, pretty funny. It's funny how I always get the dates mixed up of sexual stuff.

Like I would drive home in the seventh grade and because of her, I got left back. What do you mean? Because I just dropped my whole life over. Just drive home and her had me. I stopped going to karate. I stopped doing homework. I stopped talking to my parents. It was terrible.

But so the following year after I got left back, it was so embarrassing for me that I'd just over overcompensated. You know, and I really got my life together in a whole fucking deal. What the fuck is it that I want to say to you, motherfuckers? I forget right now those stars are coming on strong. Are they coming on strong? They're coming on strong. But I just like I didn't give my I had no game at all in high school.

Like I didn't I remember I got blue balls for the first time and after my senior prom and everyone took a bus. It like that we'd taken limos in junior year. But senior year, the school just had a bus for everybody. Yeah. And I was sitting next to my friend and I was like, what is happening to me? Like I was like doubled over in pain. He's like, oh, yeah, that's blue balls.

Like that that was like I wasn't I was a senior in high school. I didn't lose my virginity until I think I was like 20 or 21. Let me ask you a question. How much can you see right now with your eyes partially open? Oh, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like George Costanza. Yes, I can see everything. Can you still see everything? Oh, yeah, I because they're I mean, your eyes are like kind of they're like in

that picture right there. Oh, yeah, that's a perfect picture. That's a perfect I don't even notice my eyes look like that. Hey, you said something to me earlier this week that you have never said to me that you and I have never talked about and I could I it was. I couldn't believe it's where you waited this long to say it. We were on the phone and you said something to me. You said you remember you said something about you said something to me eight years

ago and it was kind of harsh. And I was like and I was like you were like because you were talking about we're talking about Gavin and you said but you said we talked on the phone about eight years ago and you said some shit to me that was pretty harsh, but I went back and thought about it and didn't take it personally. But you and I had never talked about that before. Like it's been it has been like eight years. No, it was longer than 10 years.

Yeah, yeah, you were mad for a while. Everybody gets mad, but the drug thing kind of wore my welcome. But it's a few people who were one of them. You know, there was just a few people. Rogan was real close to saying it. There were just a few people that were real close to saying it. But hold on before you go to say something to you because I had no sexual experience and I always mix up the dates and then I went on a tear.

How I had to be 15 and I finally divergenized this one girl. And then I dated two more girls back to back that one and no part of nothing, not even dry humping on the bathroom floor. I had one at a birthday party. I'm like, get on the floor. Let me try. And she's like, I'm not getting on the floor. I'll never forget that.

And then I got a Carmine Bosano got me this job going into my sophomore year before I had to go to the hospital for my lung infection. Yeah. They got me this gig on a bus as a monitor. So when people went on trips, you had to give out 20 salami sandwiches and shit, but they were paying me like 800 a week. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

It was one of those jobs. And there was this girl and their name was Lydia. And, you know, when, uh, and we've all had this experience that we've grown up with a girl and also we, we see her when she's 15 or 16. Well, this girl isn't just a fucking girl. It's 16. She's a fucking woman. Curves.

You get the whole thing. Like she's got the whole thing and you just look at her and go, oh my God, this girl is banging, but it'll never work out for me. So I had to spend the week up in this district, which is uptown with this Lydia girl and every day we went to Jones Beach, we went to a museum and I gave out the sandwiches and you know what? By Thursday, I'm flirting with her and I got a chance. I never had a chance with a girl like this, but I don't just have a chance

with her to make out with her. She's talking about sex. And I'm like, at this time you using, using rubbers at all. No, there was no rubbers in my life in my future. It's 1979. No rubbers. No, right. It's the summer of 79.

Okay. Yeah. It's probably July of 79. And that's exactly how it went down for, for years. You struggle to have sex with people. You struggle to find the words. And one day it's real mistake. I said something like that bikini looks good on you or something.

She played me back. She goes, you got to see what's under it. And I'm saying we'll show it to me. And we went behind a bus and she pulled it was a bush of hair. And I was like, and I didn't know. And then the next day I saw it, I'm like, we're going to let me touch that thing. And she's like, come on. And we went around and I touched it.

And like the next day I went back and we swapped spit. And I sucked the titties. And I'm like, so when are we going to do this? And she's like, wait till we get back. My, my brother has a basement. It was the, Josh, it was like the weirdest fucking thing. And sure enough, you know, somebody lies to you and you call them for I can't meet you.

I'm done. No, here's the address. Went over there. Her brother left us. We went downstairs. The brother left. Yeah. We got like the brother was 22 and she was like, maybe 15.

You know, if I was 50, I was like 15, 16. Yeah. But she was in the North Bergen school system. I had never met her before. And I had never heard of this savage before. Like she was, she lived near you. She went to your school. I lived on, my mom was still alive and she lived on 86th Street or something.

And it was fucking crazy. I took a bus up there, met her, went downstairs, took her panties off, tons of hair, you know, we never, you miss that bus a little bit. We never, we never went down on each other. No. Like at that age, no, we just got together. No condom, boom. And then by the time I got to high school, she was gone.

Like she was that much older than me and she was gone. Never a letter, never a song, never. A signature, a boo, nothing, nothing. Just broke, not even broke my heart. It was the weirdest thing until this day. It's every one to. Are you sure she even existed? Yeah, yeah, she was like a pixie.

It was like a month relationship that was all dirty. Like we went to the movie one time. Like I tried to turn it into a, if you know anything about me. Yeah, I took it to a movie or something. You ever date somebody or hook up with somebody? And after you hook up with them, they had something about them that they probably should have let you know ahead of time. The one and only time I've ever been with a girl who squirted.

Right. And I went down on her and I didn't, I had heard of a squirter before, but I'd never like, do you know what I mean? And when that shit came out, it's tremendous. No, but it fucking in my mouth was open and I didn't know exactly. I wasn't expecting it. Do you know what I mean? But it's if you're a squirter, you that's something you kind of got

to let somebody know going into the game. Like fuck, no, that's a surprise. No, no, if I'm a squirter, I'm not telling you nothing. You are a squirter. Yeah, I'm not going to say that. I'm going to squirt and then go, oops. No, I was like, you just got to let somebody know because I was not expecting that at that.

Have you ever been with a squirter? No, I've never been on the one. Like I would, I think I would prefer the way Joey squirter. Like if I was going to be with a squirter, I'd prefer to be with only like Joey who would just like surprise me with it. You want to be surprised by the squirter. Yes, you do. You'll never want nobody to tell you nothing.

Well, I guess it kind of depends on the girl. Like was it like a girl you don't want to have sex with? No, let me ask you something. If you're going down on a girl and you're a young man, right? And squirting isn't in your brain. And all of a sudden a wave of stinky bathwater hits you in the face. You're not going to be surprised. Like, no, you don't want to know.

Well, because here's the thing. I grew up with pornography, essentially. So like, it's almost like it would be like a hidden surprise. It'd be like an Easter egg that I'd be like, yeah, I found one. Look at Lee cracking funnies this shit. Look at Lee, you're fucking filthy animal. So I never found one. You got a prize, Lee.

Oh, you're the star for that comment? You're the star for that comment. Are you? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. How are those going? These are tremendous. There you go. Now, do you remember when he first started?

When he first started, what was happening? He was a nice little boy. Yeah. He didn't bother nobody. He still don't bother nobody. Oh, these are... Smell them. Just smell those fucking things.

Just smell those things. Oh, my God. Sure, eat one. Try it when you like it. Try it when you like it. Yeah, that's probably not a great idea. Eat half of it. Eat two tentacles.

That's it. You want to see what happens later in the day when I'm... So, Josh, this is my sixth one today. It is? Oh, yeah. Give me the other half. I'm supposed to go hang out with the kid. What are you going like this?

That's your sixth one today? Yeah. That's my five and a half one. I mean, and you guys are sitting here... Like nothing happened. We're in training. Yeah, yeah, you're training hard. ISIS kicks in the door to Russians.

We're in training. They can't do nothing. No, they're not getting in here. We've been averaging 1,100 milligrams a day now for weeks. Stop it. Oh, yeah. No wonder my kidneys are fucked up. 1,100 a day?

Mm-hmm. Is that what you're at, too? 1,100 a day? I'm at 1,200 right now. On the weekends, he eats 850 just to keep him in line. You know what I'm saying? Just to keep you in shape? Yeah.

What's your girlfriend? Is she on board? Yeah, well, she is a little bit, but she has... She's looking for a lawyer dropped right now so she can't really do it, but it's thanks because when I go get it, like I get it for like her and me and she needs like one red star, maybe. And I need about six purple ones, two red ones. Some acid, little mushrooms.

There's only two things to eat now. These and those cushy things. Cushy punch, yeah. Those cushy punch, you fucking... I don't even know what those are. What are those? It's a gummy bear. Basically, if it's 100 milligrams or 200 milligrams, it's 4 cubes.

So if it's 125, it's 250. Do you remember the weed you used to smoke? Yeah. Do you remember like you could smoke two, three joints and just be like, maybe you get a headache? He still does smoke two or three joints. No, no, no, but without getting high. You could smoke two or three joints without getting high.

You don't know what we did before you got here today. Smell this. That's what... Oh, God. Yeah, this is... Is this where Owen Benjamin walked around the neighborhood? This is it. Is this where...

Is this the neighborhood he walked around in? Yeah. He told me he was like, I walked out and never fucking came back. No. He never came back? No, no. He was like Bruce Springsteen.

Yeah, he said he never fucking came back. He could. Did you know he was in trouble? Could you tell by looking at him? Yes, there was a couple of points. Two or three people I've looked at. I could tell that they got Ada. Yeah.

Ada, we were having a great time. And she just took one and ate one without even... She just took one. Right. And I'm like, okay, she's a tall cup of coffee. Yeah. And about 30 minutes later, I saw her eyes go... Like, it was real.

Like, when you see it, you go, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Like, I've seen... Remember that, remember when... What was the movie when they took a shopping? The devil's advocate, when they took Clarice Caron shopping and they would put the dresses over their head and all of a sudden they go, ah!

And she would go, oh! That's what happens with this shit. Like, it just comes to you little by little at first. But you love that shit. Oh, yeah, I love to be in fear. It's like my life. You fucking love that shit. You know, I think about it like...

I think Rogan and Segur broke it down once. And they're like, it's a great way for a comic to live. And I thought about it. That was from 80 to 95. That's how I lived. I loved living that. At any time, somebody can knock on that door and say, dog, what happened to the $2,000 from that gambling debt?

You know what I'm saying? You saw it. Oh! You saw it. You lived it. I lived it. You lived it. You know, at that time, anything could...

Yeah. I remember... I remember it being... It's just the... The fuck... I get separated October of 91. And I go on a tear for 18 months. Credit cards, bongos.

I finally have to start selling everything I could. Like, neon membership to a mob. Yeah. But there was a kid I was working. That was a nice kid. I kept coming to me going, dog, if you ever had any good investments. No. Yes.

And I was nurturing him. Yeah. Like... By the way, you're really good at that. Oh, we were talking about that. You're really good at that. But before we get to that, there's something I do got to tell you, Lee. By the way, were you at the...

No, you weren't at the conversation. Kept me up all night. Last week. By the way, happy Rosh Hashanah. Thank you. Last week, I took a long distance flight. I'm sitting in first class. I get upgraded.

You know, when you get upgraded on a New York flight, you don't say nothing to nobody. No. I'm sitting there. I see three empty seats. The one next to me and two over there. Guess who sits next to me? 50 cents. Sits in the window.

I don't go to sleep. I don't say two words. It don't got nothing to do with me. So now I can't go to sleep. I got a few stars in me. I got the iPod in. I'm excited. I want to see who's going to be in those last two seats.

And all of a sudden, I get caught up. My wife calls me, whatever, the flight to 6 a.m. flight on LAX to Kennedy, my favorite, because you're going to doubt the one and shit. What? Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah.

So all of a sudden, I'm sitting there. And who is it? But two and Lee, I fucked up. I've been slipping my, rat it, my racially, whatever, skills are low, especially when it comes to seed juice. There was one 400 pound of seed juice with the whole thing and his son stinky with a fucking broken foot comes on, toes exposed, the whole thing. Just two stink bombs complaining from the time they get out.

Just complaining from the time. The guy is round. He tucks his shirt in. Yeah. Before the plane takes off, he puts the vest on. He ties the ropes around his arm with the flashlight. Yeah. Him and his son before the plane take off.

The flashlight. Okay. Whatever on this. Yeah. Okay. Whatever. Listen to me. I might let you describe.

I like it better that way. Oh my God. Oh my God. He looked like they were doing pornography with the ropes around their arm. So now they sit down. Can I have coffee? Okay. They get coffee.

You get complimentary coffee in the first class. Okay. So him and his son are drinking coffee. They're going, the plane's going, okay, everybody shut down. Boom. Everybody were headed to the thing. The plane doesn't even get to the runway. I think something cut it off.

The plane goes, oh, he spills the coffee. Excuse me. Excuse me. He's working it already from the gun. He's like, I spilled my coffee on my new dry cleaning. Somebody has to take care of the dry cleaning. Is there an upgrade available? Mm-hmm.

You know, the plane hasn't even gone into the air. And he's already talking upgrade? Upgrade. Already me. I'm a professional. I already know that if I were the own doctor, I would have checked to see who this guy was. Because for every dollar you take from this, he's going to charge you double in time and aggravation.

Plus, he's going to take everything he's got, but they did two genius moves that I didn't figure out to the other night about three in the morning. I got high and I fucking figured out what these two aesthetics do. They're fucking beautiful. People talk about those people. What's that movie with Brad Pitt that they're hustling? Oh, she's 11. No.

The fucking woman, they're boxes and they live those people that he represents there fucking and some type of Irish people that are even, they're gypsies. Snitch. They're gypsies. Snitch. Snitch. Snitch. Whatever the fuck.

Snitch. Snatch. Snatch. Snatch. Snatch. They're gypsies. And they said, don't they'll double cross you? Listen, I didn't catch the double cross.

So two weeks later, the city Jews did, though. I'm the president going to call. Why would they do a double cross? Okay. What's the first call you got? Listen, before the plane took off, they already asked for a fucking upgrade. The plane took off. Okay.

What's up in the air? The black guy gets a pad with your name on it. He walks right up to him and he goes, is this got the bataba and your son? And he goes, yes. What do you think the first thing out of this guy's mouth was? He said, do you have my kosher meal? And all of a sudden the black guy goes into a frenzy kosher. Right?

I mean, he cracks him. First thing out of the gate. Yeah. He cracks him with the kosher meal. He cracks me too. I'm like, I was not expecting that. Yeah. And all of a sudden the guy's like, no, we don't know.

Okay. I guess I'm going to have to talk to management, upgrade for me and my son. And he's already working it. Wow. Whippin' him. Let me get two blankets. I want a hat. You know, I want the hat.

I want the, he's working them. He's working them. Just working them with whips and chains. Well, guess what? At six in the morning? Well, guess what, Lisa. Did he get everything you wanted? No, no.

He tormented them. He got everything. He got, then the food came and he goes and said, no kosher menus. He got the pick and choose from two other menus and they ate everything. But here's the most disgusting thing. They had a bag of food, not a bag of black bag. Yeah. They had a bag of just like salads and everything.

Like they didn't need the food they were complaining about. Right. Now at the end of this 40 minute either son, the guy gets up after being up and down, praying, wrapping stuff around his arm, talking to his son in Hebrew. He goes to the bathroom and he stays in there and takes a 40 minute shit. No. That the whole first class and the people in the first ten rows are in jeopardy. They're like, what is this guy going to come out?

And what's that ass going to smell like? No. The guy couldn't fit into the bathroom like front ways. He had to turn around and go backwards. You have no idea. The thing opens. He comes out. He walks out like, all right.

And all of a sudden the fucking one black store just slams that door and they come out and they're spraying. Oh my God. I felt so bad for them in Joshua. But I figured out the whole scam. They never ordered kosher food. No. That was just to get the fucking guy ruffled up and shit.

Yeah. And the son's foot wasn't broken. They just put a cast on his foot just to fucking let him know that. We used to do that at Disneyland. Yeah. What? Put a cast on the kids? Oh yeah.

The kids get to, they used to get to pick which one of them wanted to be handicapped for the day. There you go. We used to do that all the time. There you go. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Yeah. Something happened there because he's chubby.

He didn't want to be embarrassed. So he made the son put on a fake fucking cast. And the fake cast. I saw it wasn't a cast. It wasn't a real white cast. It was a blue one that you put together at home like luggage. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? And I told Matt Lottman this.

I go, Matt Lottman, they never even ordered the kosher meal. They said that to get the guy ruffled up from the jump. That's how you do it, ladies and gentlemen. You see? When's the last good scam that you ran? I'll tell you some things that I know you love. You love when a scam comes through. But, you know, just watching like Owen crack and you said Ada cracked.

You love seeing people crack too. Like you, you take a lot of fucking joy in that. But what's the last good scam that you ran? It's been a minute, right? You haven't. Long time. Yeah. But there's one I think about all the time, Joshua.

And the king of my, I was in the, I was in the heyday of my heyday. What year is this? It's 83. I'm 20 years old. I'm living in D12, the bottom of the something apartments. D is the fourth building. It's my friend, me and Jimmy Burkle. And I'm not making a bad living.

I'm not doing the, I'm not living the life of Riley, but I got a job. I'm taking classes at night and I got my eyes open. And that's the type of town that you just have your eyes open. Yeah. I'm not making $10 a week by mistake because nobody's paying attention. Right. So you'll pick up a purse, you'll pick up a wallet, you'll pick a car. I mean, it was fucking crazy.

I cannot describe it. But you know, at that time I was living 24 seven, which means nobody got a break. When I was 19, when I left Jersey the first time, nobody got a break. What do you mean nobody got a break? Okay. So I get up in the morning, I probably got 30 bucks on me. I got two fives, 10 singles and a 10. All right.

I would hitchhike down the hill. If I could hitchhike to work, I would hitchhike to work. If not, I'd take the bus. But guess what? I wasn't paying the bus. I was going to get it on the back and fucking walk off on the back. Right. And then I would get to work and I'd work at work for eight hours at work.

And you and Leigh brought lunches. I'd take Leigh's sandwich. And you and Soda. You know, I was just a fucking miserable fuck until I didn't give a fuck because I knew I was going to keep this job. So I'm just eating that fucking sandwich. Sometimes I throw it away. One guy took one time out. He was taking your sandwich.

I listened at Mass Backs Century Heart when I first quit. I listened to me though. Here's the crazy thing. When I quit high school, I quit to go to Mass Backs Century Hardware. And one day I was downstairs in the fucking... I was a warehouse man. And something happened. I go, break time.

And I go, listen, I don't want to take a break. I'm going to go, Joey, you can't do this. You have to go to the break room. And I went to the break room. I'm sitting there. It's a true story, guys. I'm 17. I'm stupid.

But I don't give a fuck. I probably had $2,000 in my pocket. I go upstairs. I'm sitting there. And I go, what the fuck am I doing up here? And they got like... In those days, they didn't have microwave, sodas, stuff like that. But there was a refrigerator.

And there was all these brown lunches. Right? And I saw one. And I just took this motherfucker out. And I opened it up. And God forbid. Good googly moogly. It was that dude's kosher meal.

No. It was like a fucking... like a Philly cheese steak wrapped. Like he had bought it at a store. Yeah. So it didn't belong to nobody. So I'm like, maybe... What do you mean he bought it from a store?

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like I didn't... Like maybe like on Tuesdays, they ordered from fucking Johnny's. Yeah. And this was the... And this for everybody. But I got...

It's like 10, 30, 11 o'clock. I'm up there. And I'm looking... This is a true story, Joshua. Okay. And you know me and you. We go back a long time. We got about this one.

And all of a sudden I go up and I take the thing on. It's the first thing I take on. It was still even kind of wall. And I fucking take it out. I'm eating this bile. It's got a you who in there. It was like, it was me. There was a napkin and shit.

There was a note. Yeah. A note from the mile. No. There was like napkin. And all of a sudden... Oh my God, Joey. I'm sitting there.

Wiping my hand. And thank God I've always been a gentleman. I wiped the table when I threw this stuff in the garbage. And then I wiped it again. At that time I wasn't friends with nobody. Like I had just been there for maybe three weeks. I didn't know nothing. But I still had another 15 minutes upstairs.

So I just went and washed my hands. And I went by the window and just looked outside. And all of a sudden... All of a sudden I'm looking out this window, Joshua. And I hear like three people come in by me. They got nothing to do with me so I don't look. And they're talking. Who you got tonight?

I got the Steelers, you know? And all of a sudden I hear, all right, all right, let's do this. I hear... What the fuck? Listen to me. And that's what I turn around. I don't know what's going on. Yeah.

So he goes, God damn it. Now this guy, at this time, bro, I'm a little on the crazy side. My mom's been dead two years. I think I want to be a gangster, you know? But let's face it, I wasn't going up against this. This dude was 5'11", yoked, black, you know, angry. And now somebody took his fucking food.

He took the fucking door. And when he slammed it, it just landed in his hand. Now if Lee would have slammed the door and it would have landed in his hand, Lee would have just dropped it. This guy held the door in his hand. And he's like, who took my motherfucking sandwich? Who the fuck took my sandwich? And I started shitting.

I better not have an onion on my teeth and shit. Oh my God, he fucking slammed the door. He fucking went through all the fucking sandwiches in there. He ran downstairs. Who the fuck took my sandwich? Who the fuck came up here? And I'm right there like 20 minutes and he looked at me. Who the fuck, you see anybody?

I go, no. I just got here. I don't even know what was going on up here. This is the first time I've been up here. I don't know why I'm up here. I don't even know what was happening up here. I ran out of there and I was like, oh shit. That's where you put your food when you, you know,

on those days there was just one freezer. Yeah. Now you go to an office building to have. But I like how you said it was like a Philly cheesesteak so it didn't belong to anybody. Yeah, it fucking belonged to somebody who ever put it in the refrigerator. But listen.

Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, he was like, they bought it at a store. Yeah. So I guess it's for everybody. I thought, you know, if I would have took it out and it would have been in a container, I would have got all this. I mean like a Tupperware.

Yeah. Yeah. This is from somebody's house. But when I saw it in the thing, I go, you never know. Maybe the people delivered. Maybe this is for everybody. This is for everybody. Yeah.

Fuck it. I was hungry in those days. I was in two bites. It was delicious. And after that, we kind of became friends and I would bust his balls about that from time to time. Did you ever tell him it was you? No, but I would like to amend them.

Love that shit. I got my eye on up there because somebody took my mother fucking sandwich. I'm throwing your dog. There's a thief in this motherfucker. I know how to give air to those situations. Oh, you love that shit. I love to fan those.

Yeah. So I got him for a while. Did you ever eat at that place next to Swanee's, that Korean place that had the rats crawling in and out of the, you know, you used to leave the pot of food on the stove. No, they had the chicken teriyaki place next door. Right next door, that tiny little place, right? So when you walk out of Swanee's, it's right to your left.

I never went in there. So it was that it was a little Korean place. And so I used to eat there all the fucking time. And Swanee used to eat there all the time. But you knew they had rats? Well, that we didn't know they had rats. And so, you know, when you looked out, when you're in the bar and you looked right across the alley, you could see

in their kitchen. And we were like, oh, oh, there's that pot of bim bam bam. And you would eat the chicken teriyaki from there. No, I eat the bim bam bat. Oh, yeah. That's what you get for eating bim bam bat. Yeah. I wouldn't eat bim bam bat if you fucking gave me 10 bim bam bats.

Let me tell you something. If you're going to serve, if you're going to give me food and you put a fried egg on anything, I'll fucking, if you put a fried egg on a burger, I just love shit where you put a fried egg. You don't eat a burger with fried egg on it. We do it one specific place. I turn Leon to the place, but I'm not.

I ate that way before you did. No, you didn't. You didn't eat that. You didn't eat that. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. I told you about it.

No, you fucking didn't. What's the place? What's the place? The place by fucking the American Airlines terminal in LAX. If you go there early, they have a hamburger with an egg on it. What place? With Alioli Place terminal 46 in the back. You got to go on the back.

Like American Airlines and JetBlue, they have like next to like a food truck, but they have a burger. I know exactly where that is. Okay. In the back and in the mornings. Yeah. They fuck up because. I told you about that place.

No, you did not though. I did not. I told you. I told you about the fucking airport. You would never eat that. That place is good. You wouldn't eat that. That place is good.

I didn't want to eat that. You wouldn't eat the place next to it. That dragon. I wanted to, but it was busy. Yeah. You would eat the other place. So here, I will admit that I am an amateur. If you go back there.

So, but the Bim Bam Bap is basically a bowl of Korean food with fried egg on top. No. That's fucking great. That's disgusting. You got what you deserved on Bim Bam Boot. I would eat that shit. You know who loved that place? Lionel.

Lionel. Do you know he reached out to me on Facebook? Did he reach out to you? No. Yeah, man. He was, I gave him your info. Where is he? He's in the Northeast, man.

He's got a wife. He's got kids. Yeah. Listen, to me, Lionel was the first dude like that that I had ever met. Lionel was, you talk about 24 seven. Lionel was fucking 24 seven, but he was also down for anything at any fucking time at any day, at any time of the night and his apartment across from Swanee's weird shit happened. Did you ever go to a party up there?

No, no. I never fucking. Of course you fucking did. The best was when I was living in his corner because if I missed a bus, I would just go to his house and throw rocks in his window. Oh, he was up too. And he would let me in. No.

Sometimes we talk and smoke a joint, but there was one night I fell asleep there and I wake up in the middle of the night to him letting two fucking crackheads come up and they smoked crack in the corner until about six and they just left because it was cold out like shit like that. You didn't really. But Lionel was good for that dude. Lots of good dude. Who was that dude also?

And I'm glad. Who was the big chef that killed that used to fuck Rita Oh, that dude who just got out of jail? Do you remember that guy, the dude who got out of jail, who was fucking Rita Oh when she died when she fell down the stairs or whatever? I don't remember him. Dude, he and Lionel used to get, they used to get so fucked up and cook that food and do terrible shit to that food that they served to people.

You know, remember Chuck Knoblock, he played for the Yankees? Second baseman. Second baseman. I'm sorry. Lionel did not like the Yankees. He used to fuck with that dude's food. He was like, is this for Knoblock? He'd be like, yeah.

And he'd be like, okay, oh, he would fucking put hair in it and shit. He did not give up Knoblock ate some shit. He was. Yeah. He ate some shit. That was not good for him at that place. But if you ate at 20s, that was your own fucking problem. That was your own problem.

I always tell people, when you were getting ready to go up at Swanee's, the underground, the old one, if you looked, if the guy was, okay, you're going up in five minutes, you would have walked to Swanee's on the left side of the stage. Yeah. And if you stopped right there, there was a beam. But if you looked at the people's food, they would have nachos and you would see a water bug. Like the time I saw, and I saw it like three times and I'm like, wow, this is how weird

this is. That people are so much watching the comedian that they're just taking nachos and the fucking off. So the other day, listen, listen, and we all know about this. Josh Wolf knows about this, Lisa. Sorry. So, you know, one of the benefits of doing nose surgery at the first two or three weeks, I got good snots.

Oh, no. Dude, I can't. I can't. I can't. Oh, thank you, Josh. Oh, God. You don't even know what you're in for. I do know what I'm in for.

I'm going to throw up here at the fucking. But then it drops off slowly. Are you going to take one out of your nose or no? No, no, no. I would never know that. But the funny thing was, I went to Arizona. It's Wednesday today. Oh, OK.

And I went to Phoenix. Like get dry. Oh, my God. So I'm sitting here with fucking stone to the gills. The podcast is over and I'm sitting here and also I'm like, and I, oh, my God, I put my finger in there and I can feel it's, it's two, two and a half inches and it's got a clam attached to it, like a nerve center, right? And I whip it out.

Yeah. Don't even, don't even. And when you whip it out, it all makes this together like a scramble and I stuck it in my mouth and it was getting really good and something happened and fell out and I'm so excited. He took, he took one bite. I can't even, he knows, just talk about snot. It makes me want to fucking throw up.

He took a bite and it fell on his shoe and he was looking at it, really? Wait, he took a bite? That's how big it was? You took a fucking bite? It was a bite. It was delicious. Oh, my God. It was like a cocaine snot with the juice in the middle like that.

You used to put them on your tongue and you fucking wave them out there. Oh, I love those things. I think you were doing that to me. Oh, my God. You know that makes me want to fucking throw up all over the place. You should have seen this for a bastard. Oh, my God. I've never seen someone eat a burger like that, right?

Has he put one on you? No. A couple times. He don't know. He just takes the shirt home. I was just about to say, do I, like, maybe that I don't know. Oh, my God. The booger is like.

Oh, so anyway, let me tell you about this because this is, because you're going to relate to this, to this world now. I'm doing my thing, but I'm creeping and I wasn't doing a bad job. I'm 19 years old. I took nine credits in college at the Colorado Mountain College. I made some moves, Joshua, that right off the bat, I picked up like three, four grand. I did two moves solo and I'm like, Padoons, like I did this labor day thing. Everybody's at the barbecue and I just walked on the door and there was a deposit bag for

fucking stop it. I swear to God, 83. I let, like, I started my, like I start when I got there, I had like two grand after the apartment, the whole thing, I was down to 300, but I had a job. I had signed up for three credits. I bought a bunch of groceries, like $500 worth of groceries, that first grocery, that's a good grocery. And I'm like, let's see what happens, 4th of July was kind of meek, you know.

You know what, by the way, you could always tell when you just came into some money because the first thing you did was buy groceries. Okay. Dude, always was good for groceries. Got to do groceries. Yeah, always, yeah, yeah, always good for groceries. So I'm a fucking, if you got it, you got it. If I come over and you got a turkey burger and I eat it, all right, next time I stop

and I see a steak, I'll get it for you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Whatever. So I got this apartment with Jimmy Birkel, and we're sharp. We're making salads every night. We're getting different types of weed every night. There was a dude that just, we just told him, you get good weed, just bring it over.

Don't worry about the money. Just bring it over. The money will be here when you get here. So every night, as soon as we're about to eat, we're here. Every fucking night. As soon as, like if we were cooking like a steak, and listen, brother to brother, you know, I ain't gonna lie to you. I would get off the bus and I would walk into city market and I would buy like a jar of

peanut butter, but I'd have a pillow case and I'd take two steaks, a package of Oscar Mayer salami, a head of lettuce. I would pay for the head of lettuce. I would pay for the mayonnaise. I would take the two lobster tails, the two steaks, and I'd buy like Heist T-Mex. And I'd walk, and I'd go up and talk to the owner, how you doing with the lobster tails and the steaks and the bag? And I'd go home and we'd cook fucking salad with Oscar Mayer with the Italian vinaigrette

and the whole thing. I mean, we did this every night, the same fucking meal. That's how crazy I was, but every night, as we were gonna go cut the fucking steak, there was this guy, Ken. He was from Kentucky. And he just showed up. Ken always just showed up. Oh my goodness, is that a steak?

Last time I had myself a steak, it was a beautiful summer day and he would just go on for it. Is that a bone? Is that man? I haven't smoked marijuana in so long, my lips are starting to get, and he would have an anecdote for everything. And I would tolerate him because I'm a comic, you know, at that time I didn't know anything about comic, but he made me kind of laugh, but my buddy didn't fucking like him at all. And he would always say, fucking Ken, what the fuck, you know, get the fuck out of here.

And I'd go, uh, you know. So this went on. You know what would knock on my door? That's crazy. No, no, no. He lived upstairs and he always wanted to know what you were doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he always invited you to something.

Man, there's a party up in the bar with the bands cracking. Damn, we'll go up there and pick up some bitches, but when you got up there, he was always like this wallet at home. There was always a dilemma with Ken. There was a, by the way, Ken didn't bother me at all. Ken didn't bother me at all. You know, there was times that he would come down, I cut the steak in half and give it to Ken.

There was times he bothered him, you know, like he got my nerves by telling me a long story about Kentucky and shit. And this went on. And this went on for about a year and a half. And I liked Ken. So one fucking day, now we lived in the basement. And Ken lived, it's like the office under here. And he lived in the office on time.

And there was a balcony. And one day Ken comes in and he shows me, let me show you something, you know, and he shows me his brand new helmet. Helmet? Yeah, like a helmet. And he goes, yeah, didn't I tell you? Like football helmet? No, I'm a bicycle rider, man, I'm, I'm, I'm saddened, what do you think I go on the weekends?

I ride bicycles and he's telling me all this shit about his bicycles and, and he shows me his new 10 speed with his fucking cleats and how he's going to run up and down the hill. So I said, where'd you get this? But he's telling me it's a $3,000 bike and all this shit. And, and I go, so come on, tell me about this. Yeah. I go, tell me about this fucking thing.

And he goes, well, my, my granddaddy passed and he left me like 20 large and, and, you know, he left me a note to enjoy myself. And I, I by reckon I enjoy myself and I bought a bicycle and a helmet and goggles and I bought some dessert and I bought some groceries. And I said, so what was the story? None of the fungal joey, a little something, something, a bagel weed, something. I mean, two years. Yeah.

This was just like, and I didn't, the other guy would get mad. I liked what the guy could do. He's been coming to your place for two years. Two years. And he would go home on a fucking day at six 30 on Sundays and not even a rolling paper. And then he would go home to Kentucky. You wouldn't see him for a month. So I just asked him when they go to Kentucky, what's the story, you know, buy a bag of dope,

bring it down. He's like, man, I can't do it. I only got like $800 left. I go, you got $10,000, $800 left. He's like, oh yeah, I bought this badass jacket. I'm wearing it tonight. That's right. And I'm like, oh, really?

I go, well, don't kick a fucking... Get a steak for me and Jimmy. He goes, nah, man, those days Rome, and he just bled out and sold us. And Jimmy's like, we should just beat the fuck up. Let's let him go out. Oh yeah. Because he had that bike there, didn't he? No.

I was going to take the rest of his dough. I know he was cheap and he wasn't going to take it or he wasn't going to hide it. And after I, no, because I didn't, I had just insinuated to him that he should, Jesus Christ, buy a fucking bottle of beer, and he got all offensive. And that's when he left, and I was like, look, you're right, Jimmy. He goes, I told you, he's a piece of shit. I go, all right. And Jimmy didn't say nothing about it.

I just, and all of a sudden Jimmy's like, I had a rough week. I got to go to bed. I go, all right. Go to bed. I go, all right. I just, and all of a sudden Jimmy's like, I had a rough week. I got to go to bed. I go, all right.

Go to bed. And I stayed up. I waited for this motherfucker to leave. It was a Friday night. I heard them, whew, and fucking get in the car and go to Aspen, never go to Aspen. I went out there and made sure they got on the road, and I went right to work. I wanted to see if his windows were open, nothing. The ones in the kitchen.

I was like, goddamn. I had to go around the back. He let the level up. Thank God I was in shape. I took a couch. I put a chair on top of the couch. Did you put the balcony? Oh, you know I did, motherfucker.

I put a thing on top of that, and I fucking climbed up to the balcony and insured him money. He left the sliding door open. Well, maybe not. I think I had to go in there. I was that good in those days. If you had an apartment in that complex, I was getting in. I knew all the ins because I practiced on my own apartment. Little fucking ticket dealer, me and Jimmy was an engineer, so he gave me every angle.

I had every way to get into every door. You practiced on your own apartment. Every door. I had every door down. Any door you had. We had a tool to get into any door in that complex, whether the key was on this side or the key was on that side. I had the master to the top.

We knew how to slide the fucking door out. If you had two kilos or something, I'd slide the whole sliding window up. You know me. We knew all that. We were prepared for all that. Plus, I had a dude. At that time, I was taking electrical courses. And there was a dude.

Electrical courses? Yes. For what? To be an electrician? I was going to Colorado Mountain College. You had to take history and a fucking math, and then you had to take an elective. My friend said, take the residential wine, bro. You get a job at Asperin Electric, and they paid like $10 an hour, so I got a job at Asperin

Electric. I did really well. I wired a house, and I got the job. And they put me on a truck with this dude from Minneapolis, and I started talking to the dude, man. And the dude was the real fucking deal, right? The guy, he'd stick me to his house, and a great wife, you know, from time to time, we'd smoke and join.

You know. What was I talking about? You were talking about breaking into Kean's apartment. We became friends, and when everyone was in an electrical situation, I'd go to him. And he'd tell me exactly how to fucking kick a system down, what it was, you know, how to do it. I was in a different realm when I was up there at 19, because this was what I wanted to do. And now, here I am in it.

I was in it. I had two different ways to go in your house. The stuff around the, but I was shitting him when I lived. That was the first lesson I was learning that I was getting. I was getting, there was, you know, there was ABCD, the EF, there was like six, there was like nine or 10 buildings. I was getting one person in every building, but they were all semi-coked dealers, so nobody could say nothing.

Right. I wouldn't get them for a lot. I would set them up for like a three day, boom, boom, boom, boom, one ski season came. You're out of the house. Wait, you didn't take everything? Why? Well, who they gonna call if they're selling coke? So let's pretend you got three ounces of coke in the house.

Yeah. I go to your house and take a half ounce of the clean stuff. So when you come back from skiing, you're like, hmm, what the fuck happened? I had that much time. I had that much time. So what'd you get out of Ken's apartment? So out of Ken's apartment, well, no, but Ken's apartment was tough, he knew. At that time, nobody knew what I was doing, but he had an idea.

He fucking knew. He used to tell me, man, somebody around his very garage, and these are what I was doing. I don't know. Yeah. And I would go, that's fucked up. And then I went into his pad. I mean everywhere, the bicycle, I looked behind the bicycle, there was a pouch. I looked everywhere, the closets.

I went downstairs and I'm like, fuck, I didn't look in the bathroom and I went right back upstairs. I left the door open because I would hear him and I'd lock the door and then jump out his back thing. It wasn't, on those days, I didn't care about a 10 foot drop. I was only 195. I could do a 10 foot drop all fucking day. So I said, fuck it, let me go to his bathroom.

I went into his bathroom, looked in the shower, looked in the slippers, the fucking door. I opened up the canter, nothing, he's got pills in that thing, but he's got those cans of Band-Aid. Chachoo. Yeah. Little can of Band-Aid league, you know what I'm talking about with little league league. You don't even know that. You know the can of Band-Aid league.

The can of, now it's cardboard, but back in the day it was metal, the hard one, and back in the day they didn't have the tin, it just sealed. Bro, I opened it up, I looked in there and there it was, Ben Franklin after Ben Franklin, how many? Eight of them, but I knew it would break him. It was the last of his geeters. Did you take it all? Every single time.

Now, if he would have bought a steak, I would have taken a deuce, just as tax and closed the seal. Yeah. If he bought a steak, you still would have broken. Sure. Just to test my knowledge. You know what I'm saying? In those days, I told you, I was 24 seven, I had to test my knowledge.

Even my brother Lee, I would have gone into your room, he's got 2,000, all of these $55. He ain't going to bother me, he ain't going to bother me, you know what I'm saying? He's in my little tub, look at him. So you got eight, and did he come down to the apartment? The next day, with a piece of like a Scotts tape, and he goes, Diaz, wake up, wake up, man. I got home from dancing last night, and somebody broke into my goddamn house, but, but I got a fingerprint off the balcony, and I wore gloves, you know what I mean?

I was just here. In those days, I had like the boxing gloves in the back, I had a, I had a, I had a, I had a. You broke in wearing boxing gloves? No, what are you, retarded? No, no, I, I fucking had these gloves. That leaked out of you, dude. You were.

So. Yeah, it was like, wait, just like someone just poked in the hole, and you were like. Well, I would do it in those days. You know, I was really sharp in those days. You know, you talk. But at the same time, very naive and stupid. Like I would do million dollar moves, but then compliment it with the dumbest. Fucking thing in the world.

Yeah, but. And in those days, all my stash was never in my house. I learned as a young man that nothing should be in your house ever, ever, ever, ever. You kept shit in my house. No, no, no, no. But. If I have. When you live in the back.

Right. But you got a gun. You got to protect your children. Yeah. You can't have your gun in my house. Right. You can have it next to you in the bedroom, but if it's not, you're gonna, if somebody does come over and you want them to disappear, you got to have a gun that's clean.

So some people just put the gun outside, wrapped, you know, they give themselves enough time. There's a thousand things that people do in those days. I didn't believe in nothing. So I used to have a boxing bag outside. You know, like the hanging bag. Right. So I would have a closet in those days. This is how.

Joshua, this is how easy it was. You're doing D 12 in those days. Like let's say your door was D 12 D 12. You went downstairs. You opened D 12. Hi. How you doing, Josh? But next to D 12 was a door that was your personal closet for skis, ski boots, luggage.

Oh, so people get valuable shit down there. Oh my God. You know, you would be surprised. How many people would say, you know, like fucking car keys. I left. Yeah. Like it was just crazy. It was very naive.

But let me tell you my story. I would have the boxing gloves. Like I didn't have boxing gloves in those days. I had the ones that Joe Wiedem makes with the little piece of metal in the middle. I would have those. Yeah. But inside those, I would have to rub it with my teeth gloves. Yeah.

And then my boy next door next to me was a painter and he had those rubber gloves that he used for whatever. So I always had covered it. Even then I always had a cover. I had my little thief gloves that back there. If somebody came back and said, what are these? Oh, this is what I put under here in the cold weather. Oh, they're okay.

We don't need to look at those. These are the ones you're looking for. These are the OJ gloves. Mother fucker. Yeah. Yeah. That was the fucking Jedi mind trick. Wait.

You, okay. First of all, so the trick to being a good criminal, let's see if I'm getting this right, is you never took everything, right? No, no, because that's where I was living and that's my thought at the time. But you even did that when you went into stores, man. When you went into stores, what was genius to me was that you were like, oh, you have to buy something. If you don't buy something and smile at the people when you're buying something, then

they're going to assume you're stealing shit. But you all, when you stole something, you always fucking bought something with it. I had it down to a sign. Yeah. They're looking at this hand and this hand that counts. I remember going to a record store in the late, early 80s, going to a record store. Now, early 80s, going to a record store, go from bin to bin and get the albums I wanted, cars, saplings, Scorpions, Barbra Streisand, whatever the fuck, I'd get like six albums

and I'd put them right there and the guy would be watching me, man. And I'd be smiling. Dog, Black Sabbath, Sabotage, Dog, ELO, Dog, fucking Emerson, Lakin, Palmer, Dog, you know, and I'd be throwing names and ta ta, hugging Lee and hugging you. Let's do this. Bro, let's buy the Beatles, let it be three ways. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, three ways.

You keep your Fridays sad. Yeah. Just, just, and meanwhile, the whole time I'm saying, yeah, there's six albums right there. We're going to buy three albums. Ba, ba, ba, three albums. They're going to give us a bag that's thick. They're going to go without putting bags separate.

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. I'm going to go, yeah, yeah. Because now we've got three different ways to steal. We've got three different ways that somebody, so the first one all you got to do is turn around and pick those albums up like this and then turn them around. And there you go. You just walked out of the store with albums.

What do you mean? Did you see the move? No. Okay. So the six albums. Which, where's the album you bought? The album I bought is in my hand. He's about to give it to me.

Okay. Give me that bag of stars. He's about to give me the bag. You can't tell what's in here and what's not in here. Yeah. Okay. He's about to give me the bag. He gives it to me.

This is going to be a theatrical move because as I'm pulling back from him, Lee is giving him three albums. So in those days, the counter was here. I would even go like this, take a beat and go, Lee, pay the man. And look at the look. Look at the bag right there. Yeah. The bag would go over the albums and there'd be a security guard watching over there.

He'd be watching that way. As I popped out and walked out, it would be covering the three albums that I took or the four albums. Now listen, if you don't start a YouTube channel where you just shanty people, this would not work today. No, because of cameras. Because of cameras. And camera ads.

Okay. Look at all this shit they're picking up. Yeah. You were on TV, you know? No, it's hard to steal shit from them. Forget stealing. Forget what's going to happen. And you know, drug dealing, you know, they're going to have people that are going to go,

where did this go down? Wait a second. Josh, so you went to buy drugs and somebody shot at you. Yeah. Where did this go down? It went down on La Brea and the Sunset. Hold on one second. Give me La Brea Sunset.

What time does this go down? Oh yeah, camera. Yeah. 1058. Camera, they're going to have Google Earth printed up for you with the whole sequence go down where the bullets came from, what they're coming up with, your world is going to get shattered. All these people who think they're cute, you're done.

They're going to have a fucking, it's, it's virtual communism. You have to assume. How would you right now get around the cameras? Like, so if you're, if you were doing it now, how do you get around the cameras? You don't get around the cameras. Now the young people are tapping into what you want. And taking it from there. And taking it from there.

I assume. I assume. Who's going to do anything? What can you do today? What can, we were talking about travels checks. Well, we couldn't, we couldn't, we couldn't have stolen that safe that we stole. Okay, right. But we couldn't do.

And we couldn't stay, we couldn't do travel checks. You couldn't do travel checks. Nope. Cameras and they're immediate now. They're immediate. Yeah. You know what? They're immediate.

Cause we used to steal shit like out of our neighbor's garage, you know, bikes and whatever. You have to assume people have a length of their computer. Yeah. It costs them what later? Put a link in your computer. And alarm. What do you mean a link in your computer? Like right now, how much would you, I know you have alarm here in the cameras that somebody

breaks the door. They're on. Oh yeah. You can get one for like a couple hundred bucks now. Yeah. How much does it cost you a month? Compared to signing up at. Because the beauty of it is them doing it and you having them and you having them from

two, three different angles. Yeah. I was talking to a cop one time. I go, how does that work now? He goes, you see it. It's like the cops got caught eating the edibles. Completely different. Do you remember the, there's another, there was a cop that we used to hang out with in

Seattle, that big Hispanic dude, remember that dude who held you back from beating the shit out of that guy? Puerto Rican dude. The Puerto Rican dude. He reached out to me. I forgot to tell you that. Do you remember that dude? The last thing I remember seeing him is him basically bottom.

Remember you were going to beat the shit out of that dude to slap around, read in the face. Yeah. It was terrible. Young kids and shit. Puerto Rican dudes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a shame that we couldn't go back up there and do like a fuck. I mean, is the, is the underground, he was the underground anymore now. The new underground is, is terrible. It's not where the old one is. No, that, you know, when the earthquake came, that fucking shut down. So what's there now?

I don't even know. Somebody just sent me a picture yet. Not of the new, not of the old underground. Fuck. That's that when the earthquake came, the Phoenix underground, the comedy underground, that whole side got fucked up. All those buildings got fucked up. So the Phoenix underground moved across that homeless park.

And so did the comedy underground. They both did. And the new comedy underground is. And what's there now? Like what is that block now? Nothing. Somebody, you know, Billy retired. Yeah.

They sent me on that, on that Twitter year, they sent me that view and it said the comedy underground and they showed the Korean place to. The Bim Bam Bat. No, not the Bim Bam Bat. Because they wouldn't show me that. See, they liked the fucking Bim Bam Bat. Yes, they did. They showed me the Japanese place.

It's just, yeah, they had walked into, uh, I did oddball. I was telling you. Yeah, how was that? And you did oddball? Yeah. Uh, uh, Sebastian, Sebastian was the headliner. Yo, he is a fucking bad mother fucker. Beside that, who was the real headliner?

Sebastian. Oh, uh, uh, uh, John Oliver. Yeah. And they said that there was a few places where Sebastian would go up, say good night and also have to get up with them. The left. No, they didn't. It's the Northeast.

You're talking with Jersey and Philly and New York. Like they, yeah, I mean, they had, John Oliver had to be the headliner, but I heard that. Let me tell you something, he's a headliner when you did it, but I didn't, you know, listen, I don't want to wait. That's the deal. What did you have to see it? Fuck. No, that was it.

Like when I got that week, I told my agent, they go, they're going to reach out to you and I go, I'm way ahead of you and put it together. What do you think? Put this deal together. Me. That's who. And next thing you know, I go, don't take a hosting gig and he goes, no, it's 20 minutes. I was like, okay.

And then when I got it, it was 15 minutes. We fucking, by the way, 15 minutes of you. No, I couldn't get it. That timing. It's too big. That's those big places. You don't like them? No.

I get discouraged right from the fucking jump. You do? Yeah. But sadly I got a little better. I got a little. What is it about the big place you don't like? Just like, I'm an old man. I get anxiety.

I want to just listen. I want to take it back to 140 people. You know what I'm saying? All that. That's a lot of people that when you turn into, even when I did the goddamn comedy jam, I got the worst anxiety I had. Do you get anxiety before you go on stage? Yeah.

I think they're going to prescribe new pills to me that don't give me drowsiness. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Every time you go on stage, you get, what do you get? Like jitters? No, no, no, no. It's at the earthquake. We were on earthquake alert for the last three days. Nothing happened.

No, nothing. I even took all the books down on my house. Something's going to happen because we're doing a podcast. We were already... Is it going to wake him up? Yeah, we've already had two fucking earthquakes. No, you get anxiety. Do you get like sweats and shit like that?

What happens? I just can't. But your knee and shit is always bounced, dude. You've always shook the fucking ground. No, no, no, but that was a different thing. This is, this morning, dawg, you want to hear this? Let me tell you what your anxiety is. Are you ready for another start, dawg?

Yeah, he's just making noises now. I mean, you're literally like, I don't know if you think you're saying, but you're just making noises right now. Are you ready for another one, dawg? No, I think I'm okay. So... I mean, listen, you got him to the point, Joe Diaz, where he's just making noises. Not even like a real person.

Yeah, that noise. Ah, and what time do you start taking 11 stars? When do we go here at 2 o'clock? 2 o'clock? 2.30. 2.30. I was good today. I was busy.

I had to go fucking give the doctor blood. Who's only going that high? I fucking end up on the floor. You know what? The first edible that got me fucked up and it was that day with you on Sunset Boulevard. You... But it was one of those breast strips. Oh, yeah, we used to get fucked up on those.

Oh, yeah, that breast strip fucked me. I haven't found those anywhere. No, they're done. The company went under. Supposedly, then they came back. You know, these people come and go because it's a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep them going. Broken glass everywhere.

So... One of my favorite ones, the first time Joey ever took me on the road, that we were in the green room and a chicken sandwich just came, so he ate it. It ended up being the middle sandwich. And he got it every night. The middle sandwich? Or the middle sandwich. The opener sandwich.

Yeah. And he got it every night. And every night he took me on the road. One thing at least. But that is... I'm telling you, that is... That's... To me, that kind of shit keeps you going.

Like, you love torturing people. And just little things. Not like a huge deal. Just little things where you like to make a little crack in somebody's armor, every fuck... Just a tiny one. Until they fucking just collapse. Like, to me, that's the genius of you, dude.

That is the genius. Nobody I've ever met does that better than you. One bite out of a sandwich, just enough to make the guy go, What the fuck? Right? That is your fucking wheelhouse. If someone says, what is the true skill of Joe Diaz, I would say you do that better than anybody I've ever met in my life.

You fucking... And you like the long game, too. I was gonna say, persistence. No, he doesn't... Every night. It doesn't need to happen right away. And he'll play, like, seven or eight long games at once. And sometimes he'll forget he's playing one.

And then somebody cracks and you're like, Oh, yeah, I forgot I did that shit. That is your fucking wheelhouse, dude. Oh, my God. I mean, I have watched you crack people gradually over the... That's been one of the joys of my life, dude. You... You fuck with me.

Rod Long. Oh, come on. Rod Long was this fucking hysterical comic that was very, you know, artistically took pictures. Yeah. But we used to tell him that... What's his name? He used to steal his jokes.

Count Hopkins. Count Hopkins. Yeah. I mean, that was a slow game, dude. You used to tell him every... Oh, I fucking saw Count Hopkins do one of your jokes again. No, we wouldn't even go that route. See, there's...

Who the fuck is Count Hopkins? Count Hopkins, the third. First off. I mean... Count Hopkins, the third, man. Not all it takes. Let me show you the analogy of the whole thing. Yeah.

Okay, this is all it takes. All it takes is for me to be home on a Monday night, watching Monday night football. And the next day I called Josh Wolf and I go, Josh, what's up? Nothing. First thing, Josh, let's say, what happened to you last night? Oh, nothing.

I went out. I stayed home. I got high. Oh, my God. You missed it. At least I had cracked the fucking new bit. Gavin got hammered. Finally.

What's his name? Fuck that chick. He fucked her right in the bathroom. No, come on. She fucked... Fuck. She was gonna fuck me. Remember that?

Yeah. And all of a sudden you go. But the funniest thing happened. Right along. Thanks to Count Hopkins, the third. Still his joke. Okay. That's all I need to go to work.

Yeah. Yeah. That's all I need to go to work. Just a kernel. That's all I need. Okay. So now... I just imagined he had the cavity.

Oh, no. This went down. This goes down. This goes down Saturday night. But I see Rob Long... Josh tells me the story Sunday morning. I see Rob Long Sunday night. And I don't say nothing.

That's on my professional line. I don't say nothing to him. In fact, I give him a hug. What's up? How you doing? I give him a hug. Nothing. You wanna smoke a joint?

Throughout the conversation, I don't mention it. Monday, I see him. And again, in my mind, I gotta let him simmer. Yeah. I gotta let him cool down a little bit. I gotta take him out of there. I gotta take him... Because if I attack him when he's out, it doesn't mean nothing.

Yeah. I gotta let him forget all about it. Now, Tuesday, I purposely bump into him with an open mic. I don't care whether I gotta go there or not. I don't care. I gotta go there to practice. That's a great thing. I purposely bumped into him.

Oh, yeah. This is it. Now, the incident went down Saturday. I saw him Sunday and Monday. And I didn't say who gots to him. I treated him like a regular gentleman. No. You were actually overly nice to them.

Overly nice to them. Now, Tuesday, I see him. And I go, what's going on, man? Nothing. Like, hey, that bit, that's your bit, right? You do that bit, right? You go, what bit? The bit about the fucking thing, what the sports can't say,

you hit the home run over the toe. That's you, right? You had me in tears the other night. Yeah, yeah, that's me. Right there, I got him. Bam! I got him locked into a bit. It could be any bit.

It could be any bit. He's trying to brush me up, and now I got him. Now, I give him a night to think about the bit, because if he's real, he's thinking about the bit. Now, when I pop him Thursday, I pop him every. I'm not even saying that until I just, I'm gonna just ask him if he knows who Count Hopkins is. That's a slower.

Yeah, it's a slow cook right there. You know what Count Hopkins is? Why? Why? Why? He's doing that joke, you heard? What joke? I didn't say nothing.

I didn't say nothing about no joke. What if Count Hopkins ends up getting beat up one day? Count Hopkins. He was not gonna beat him up, and Count Hopkins was never gonna be where he was gonna be. It was fucking hilarious. But that is the bit. It was hilarious.

Listen to me. No. I got in the van with him in Seattle and came all the way to LA and back, and every about four and a half hours, I'd mention Count Basie, Count something, you know what I'm saying? Count Dracula. I know.

Here's the best thing. Oh my God. I know you would wake up in the morning and be like, how am I gonna fucking get him today? Oh my God. Yeah. There's just people that you can get. But that's, I'm telling you, there's never big,

because the best part about you is you are a slow cooker. Like, you're not rushing the meal. You're fucking, you're setting, you set it up, and you are, you'll play the slow game until it fucking kills it. Lee and I have been discussing advertising sales a lot lately, and I've been telling Lee that in your life as a salesman. I mean, you know, there's two, there's two types of salesman Lee.

There's people who go to college and come out and go sell for somebody, and all of a sudden they have a stellar year, but they go tell somebody, and somebody goes, dog, what did you make with them? This would have got you this on your own. Get out of there. And there's people who go, now they become fighters. And they have rates, and they have the whole thing.

But you catch them November, all that shit goes out the window. You know what I mean? The fourth quarter, all that shit goes out the window, and more ways than one. Sometimes it goes in your favor, and sometimes it goes against your favor. But, you know, this time of the year with podcasts, being advantageous for Abbott, I go, Lee, you know,

you got to go in there. And I just want to tell Lee in front of you the time I got that fucking guy, the gamble, till today that was still one of my best works of art. At that time I was chasing somebody else's other work of art. I got arrested with this kid in Boulder, and we both went to the county, and he got caught because he took the cops for $30,000 to a house, and he told them to wait outside,

and he went and had a car in the back. And they couldn't even get through. Like, they had flat tires when they went to get them. Like, he had it planned a month in advance, but he got busted and he did this two nights. He caught them. It was a sales package. Like, they would, nobody else would go for it but the cops.

Yeah. In 1987, I met a white dude in Summit County Jail that showed me a paperwork, and we all laughed, and people were like, dog, this guy's in the record books. Like, the feds come here once a week and like fucking smack them in the mouth. He took the feds on this fucking wild trip where he goes going to that house, I'm going to go in that house and get

them for fucking four kilos of coke and two machine guns. Give me 80 cash. They gave me 80 cash. Craig Glazer. He walked right in on the other side. His girlfriend was waiting for him, and he had River Durchy. Now, this is when he was 22. Now, when I bumped into him, he was 32.

They had caught him in, like, New York or something like this. It was a tremendous story. They had offered him rights, the whole fucking thing. I mean, you just- That's crazy. But what's the one that you were talking about him, the guy that said that was your best work? Were you going to do the gamble?

Well, I got the dude to gamble with you that time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That we were, me and you were just fucking around, and we met somewhere else. I met that dude somewhere else. Yeah. And I sold him on a comedy show first. We were talking about what he did, and we were talking about

what I did. And he was talking about telecommunications. I got a guy for a phone, too. Well, you don't remember. I was walking around with a phone towards him, and he finally came through a show and took it from me. Oh, yeah, dawg. I had a guy for a phone.

You had to sell 10 accounts. I didn't sell shit. I just called people. How you doing? Come on, dawg. No, I sold accounts, and that's why he gave it to me. Then he gave me more minutes a second. You left in September.

By December, I was running a one-man operation. That dude who you got to gamble, how much you think you put in total? I took him for about 12, 13,000 in three weeks, and he was lucky as fuck. Like, he, I met him. We talked about gambling. I sucked him in. Then I sucked him in again, and then I told him I couldn't do it. Then I couldn't do it.

Then I couldn't do it, and then I got him for a phone. I got him on a Monday night football, and then I got him for a phone system, and I wouldn't tell him what the phone system was for. Remember, on top of a local, I had a 1-800 number. Yeah, I do remember that. I had people calling from Russia. Hello. Hello.

I want to three winners tonight. I was rocking up there, Lisa. Oh, that is right. You had the 1-800 number. Lisa, you're fucking killing me. 13,000 in three weeks. And I had him going, and I had a job. Why did you call?

Why did you say he was lucky? Remember, I made you walk me to the thing to get the Western Union under somebody's name. That's how we were doing it with Western unions. Lee, please, you have no fucking idea. We walked all the way up to... But wait, why do you say he was lucky? Because I got him for $87,000. Oh.

That dude. We set him up perfectly, because the last time we set him up so much, he kept saying, I want to meet the main man. Yeah, I remember. And you were like, I can't do it. Yeah, I can't do it. No, I can't pay you. Listen, you better fucking pay me, because they'll have helicopters here shooting you

in the fucking head. Yeah. I want to meet that man. He kept calling him the main man. All he wanted was to... I built this guy up with his head. I told him it was John Gotti. It was John Gotti.

It might as well have been Tony fucking Soprano. It was only... It was still 1995. I was trying to sell him John Gotti. This guy was buying the whole thing. He runs the... I think this guy could have been a cop now in hindsight. No.

There's a couple of nights, bro. There was a night about three years ago. Yeah, I got together and I made a list of the people that after 10, 15 years, I finally put together. These guys are going to have been cops that I foiled. Like in the very beginning, I didn't know what they were doing. I actually thought of writing a book about this. I got 10 of those things where they didn't know who they were dealing with.

They thought I was some dummy and they left 20,000 around. That's why he wanted to meet the main man. Yeah. They thought that I was the bottom, bottom wrong. Like this guy ain't going to meet me. I'm telling you, I have like 10 stories that I've outlined that are so interesting of cases where I know one for a fact. What happened?

I know one for a fact. I was in fact, it goes back to this golfer. What golfer just died? Arnold Palmer. Arnold Palmer. My friend used to cook for Arnold Palmer whenever he came to ask him. That guy was a coke fiend. He's still just making noise.

I used to sell him coke all the time. Arnold Palmer's barely in the ground to the kids? This is 1985. I'm banging it out with this kid. His name is Randy. He's a good dude. He's dead now. God rest in peace.

And he would come to me to buy packages, cool, solid. Always helped me out in the beginning. Well, now it's 87. He comes to me when they go, dog, you know those people? They buy a lot of blow. They live up in Aspen. And I fucking, and I go, really? I'm going to buy a snowman.

Aspen's where the Colombian lives. But these right now, yeah. And I could see when they came. They came the first time. They were cool the second time. I'm like, score outside. I can't be sure. I don't want to go outside.

Let's go outside. Let's go outside. So after they left, I let them go. And about a day later, I got up, I got six in the morning. And I got in my car and I went to the bottom of snow mass. And then I cut it up. And I went back to the top, a different route. And they couldn't pack up.

But on the way down, I could see the fucking telescopes and shit. So I knew what time it was. So now I had to play these guys out. And they were calling me up. Hey, what are you doing? We need two ounces. What? What?

I can't hear you. There was no cell phones then. This is 85. And they would come to my house and try to come in. And I go, what do you want? And they go, you know, we want two ounces. How much for two ounces? I go, I don't know what you're talking about.

And they go, come on, let's go outside. And that's what they had. Like now I know why they were acting like that. There was that case. There was a case. And did you, but they know you never sold anything to them. But did you ever get any money from them? Then who?

From those guys. The guys that wanted you to step outside. Oh yeah. I got them for money before that one time. But then I realized what was going on. It was too easy. What they were saying was amazing. Yeah, me and my wife, we like to party.

We'll buy two, three grand eight balls a night from you. It was just too easy. And sure enough, when I left, when I went back to Boulder, I bumped into somebody and they go, those people got caught because she was stealing from the town. She was an accountant. So the cops made her go out and sell Coke, buy Coke for people. And I knew something was, they were not right.

They were not right. My wife, no, anytime someone says, my wife likes to party. Yeah. My wife likes to party. Nope. You know, something wasn't right. And then there was another guy who gave me money until this day. He was like a fed that gave me his own personal money.

When was that? Most of the shit happens in Denver, right? New York. This guy fucking kept calling me and saying, I gave you, you went to the bank with me. You saw where I got it from. What am I going to do? And it was gone.

It was gone. There was not even a suitcase. I had sold the suitcase, the toothbrush in it. How long did you even have the money in your possession under an hour? Two days. Like eight days. Oh, okay. And he just panicked.

Yeah. He panicked. The move was in, you know, all he want, listen, all those people want to see is a package, a little package with a big package and some for them to go. And the cocaine buys their mind for another week. Yeah. So if I tell you the deal you're in is a five kilo deal and you come over to the house and I show you three ounces and I give you a little bit out of that bag and you're like,

that's not cute. Come here. Shut up. The rest is in the bag. See that guy standing there? He says, there's 200 on the investment. Take a hike. That's it.

You're going to go to the bar and go dog. I got paid on my investment. It's the best coke I've ever taken in my life. You know, it was just a scam. And if you didn't know it, you're fine. You know, if you didn't know it, you got to be fucking retarded. But that has to be the attitude when you're scamming somebody. That has to be the attitude.

It was just, and it was just, it was such a funny time. But you, that's the thing. Listen, that all goes back to, so you can't do that anymore. So the way you get people is just by breaking their spirit. No. Right? Do you know what I mean? Like that.

In 91, me and my wife break up. In 92, I start dating this girl. And she introduced me to a whole new world of people. And that world of people is a bar. And I meet other people. And I meet this guy. And he's telling me, man, I'm going to make an investment in the marijuana trade. And you know, I'm like, oh, jeez.

And he was like, he was like a KKK guy that wanted to invest in the marijuana trade for real, way before medical and all this shit. You know, did I know he was KKK? I didn't know for sure. But there was something about him. He had money. The hood. He had a station wagon.

You know what I'm saying? Those guys always have a station wagon. What the fuck happened? He gave me money. The robes. And I fucking told you it was like eight grand. Now this is 92. This had to be like September 92.

This guy gave me eight grand. And I disappeared. He called. He leaked. He gave me eight grand on a Friday. And I said, don't call me for about a week. I'll have the envelope for you. Now nobody saw me after that.

He didn't go into panic mode until about October. And then he went to full panic mode before the holidays. You know, it was terrible. I disappeared. Where did he go? Who? You. Me?

I went underground. I went underground right in front of you. He would walk right over me every day. I was right underground. Fucking hilarious. And I was still doing comedy. And he always missed me. And I always called him when he was in the shower.

And they'd call me back. And I wouldn't answer. I'd pick up and hang up. I'd pick up and have me getting punched or something like that. It's just crazy shit that you do. I tortured him for maybe a year and a half. I didn't give him a dime. And I go to New York.

I tortured him for so long. I forgot. It had to be three and a half years. And one day I got a call from one of those girls from Boulder that she's in New York, you know, when I come over and I go over there and check it out very cautiously. I ended up having a great time with her. I fucking...

Wait. This is in Boulder? This is now in New York City in 94. I hang out with this girl. I sleep over house. I leave the next morning. I have a pager then. Oh, you have that pager?

I'm going home. She pages me and she goes, I just got a mysterious call from that guy. Like Steve was his name. And I go, Steve. And she goes, yeah. She goes, he told me an interesting story that he lent you $8,000 from marijuana

and you never gave it to him. I go, no. I sent him the weed. I go, listen, give him my pager number. And he goes, he says he has your pager number. You never return it. And you always make up stories. He says he's calling people.

He's calling an attorney. This is a true story, bro. I fucking milked him for two years. He was right. I mean, it was like me, milk and leak. You're right there with him every day. He would get to the bar and I would leave. And I would tell the bartender I was there.

Come on. I left you an envelope. Where? It was there. I'm torturing that guy. Are you going to torture Rick Kearns this weekend? Yeah, hold on. Let me do some shout outs and we'll get the fuck out of here.

Ed Priolio. Armando Salgado. Sean Thomas. Neil Hardy. Raymond Meher. PJ Stern. No. Ray Wajuski.

Fire God is Beth over there in Columbus, Ohio. Yeah, I'm going to have a good time in Columbus with my main man Rick Kearns. And then Tuesday, I'm going to fucking the comedy story again upstairs, trying that hour that there's no fucking closer. No closer? Oh, not yet.

There's no closer yet. This is going to be the million dollar fucking idea. You could close with that joke. No. Listen, don't even put ideas in my head or I'm going to hit you ears. That means one's coming. No, no, no, no.

You could close with that joke that you used to close with. What? What the hell with it? The bubbles. What was that joke? You know the fucking joke. I have no idea. Yes, you fucking do.

I have no idea. They're bubbles. I don't know what you're talking about. Yes, you. I love it. Yeah. Tell them the bubbles joke. Yeah.

Hold on. I got to go to Peter. I'm going to bust the fucking nut here. And my fucking doctor hasn't gotten back to me. I'm having fucking anxiety. By now, I thought he had the results. Train yourself in. They're cutting your fucking asshole.

Lee. Yes, sir. Right now. What? What right now is like going through your. Just your brain. I'm doing okay. I just.

I'm getting used to it now. This is like a normal. No, I just want to let you know when you said I'm getting used to it now. It sounded like somebody who had been getting molested. Like you didn't sound happy. Do you know what I mean? You're like, I'm getting at you. I'm just getting used to it now.

Like that's what that's. That's what that sounded like. It's fun. It's definitely fun. It's. You don't go into it thinking. We have a good time. Yeah, man.

You look like you're having a good time. Fuck yeah. Like I was thinking about it. Like I he got here at like 2 30. We're taking the stars. And I was like, it's 2 30 on a Wednesday. Yeah. When I first moved here.

2 30 on a Wednesday had been some stupid office doing some work. And now I'm taking stars. I know. I know. 2 30 on a Wednesday and hanging out with Joe Diaz. Joe Diaz and Josh Wolf. Buddy. I mean, how far like the first time I met you, you ate like half of a chibichu

and lost your mind. That was that was a lot of fucking stars ago. That's a oh my god. There'd be no way. Like what would happen right now if if you had to talk to Kevin Euclis? What would happen right now? I'd be a little bit more. A little bit more.

Oh, I can tell you because you probably know who he is. I was in. I forget where I was but I saw Chelsea Billups. Oh, really? Here? Yeah. He was having an argument with somebody if fat Joe was in the rap hall thing. I mean, does somebody actually know the answer to that?

He didn't think he didn't think he was long in there, but his friend really thought that. Where is the rap hall of fame? I don't know. Compton. Stop it. Hey, where can it be? Hey, who knows somebody at Compton? I don't know.

Rap Hall of Fame. Rap Hall of Fame. There has to be one on the East Coast. Atlanta. There has to be one in Compton. Atlanta. What do you think Atlanta would be if there's one on the East Coast? New York?

Do you think it's an official? Can you Google it? You have to Google. I don't think they really have one. I bet you they have a rap hall of fame. No, they do. 100% sure they have a rap hall of fame. Yeah, they do.

Of course they do. Right? They have to. I mean, I don't. Where is it? Here it is. Hip-hop hall of fame and museum. Where is that?

I don't know. I want to feel, I feel like I was just in the city. Maybe not in Israel. But it's got to be somewhere southeast, I think. No? Yeah. What's wrong with the Google? I don't know.

It's, uh, the website isn't really that great. It's not. It's not moving. All right. Well, it's on there. So, no, that was, it was a pretty good thing. You got, you got that out of me there tonight. That was a good time.

Joey. I don't know what the hell we ate, dawg. I was tanked before. Tanked. Oh, you look kind of pale, man. Are you okay? Yeah, I was high, dawg. You were making me laugh.

That was some funny shit, but bringing all that stuff up. How you work people over. That guy, that poor guy. I know what his name is. I didn't want to say it. And he pissed. You know what, man? A lot of people got pissed at me because, because he reached out to a handful of people.

That were my friends. And he goes, listen, how can you be his friend? He took me for this. And then I took his friend for a mafia membership. A what? And that guy called me till about four or five years ago. He must have lost his phone. A mafia membership?

A mafia membership. He kept asking me, you know, anybody in Brooklyn that I could talk to? I go, what do you want to talk about? Yeah, because I think I want to join the mafia, you know, everybody I could talk to. And finally I got him. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, well, I just need some help. I just want to join the mafia.

I go, what if I get you an application? And it was just, I thought it was a joke. You know, you ever think something was a joke and now you're like, you know what? They're so stupid. I have to do this because it's who I got to do this. Yeah. Like you have to. So it was like two of them.

And I felt so guilty for a while. Like I was, listen, I was on the other side and the way I looked at it in those days. How much does a mafia membership go for? Like two grand. Come on. It was just, don't tell me. How do you get? When I tell you and Lee that I know, like I tell Lee, Lee, I know the other side sometimes

because it's 24 seven. And while you're robbing somebody, you're cultivating somebody. That's the beauty of it. There's three guys that you're cultivating. Two of them are already going to tell you, no. But that one guy might say, no, but you know what? I want to invest in your reefer company. Yeah.

Because you already put, you already know he's fucking stupid and he's got an envelope and he's buried a hole in this pocket and he smokes weed. Okay. What about the CBD oil company? Let me get 30,000 and we'll put your picture with the thing. And next thing you know, you don't see nothing for six months and what do you care? How many people get ripped off every fucking year just because it's small amounts? Like in those days, I could take 10 people for $30,000.

Each or total? Like each. That's $300,000 in today's America. You could do that. There's people that do that all the time. Oh yeah. But that's what we were saying earlier. When does it end?

I mean, that's the disgusting thing. But there's people. There's got always, you know, there's always going to be somebody who's willing to give you money. That's it. There's always going to be somebody who's willing to give you money. In this, in this city right here, you know, look at, I mean, I know a couple of years ago, I had a dear friend that got into a fucking movie and then he goes, you're not going to

believe what they're paying. And I go, what are they paying you? Scale plus 10? He goes, no, they're paying me this. And I go, what movie is paying you that? And he goes, this guy got money from his dad. He got him for $6 million. Then they went back in and they got him for another three for post and he got Lindsay Lohan,

the big black guy that died and somebody else. It was crazy what they did to this poor guy. You know, you have no idea people that listen to this, the people that come out here with dreams and desires. And money. And money. The movie I went to, Jamaican, got fired. And then the guy had to pay me because I didn't know why the guy kept fighting Sag because

all the guy owed me was $2,200 a week for two weeks. And Sag wanted $40,000 with expenses and cost and court cost. For what? Because that's what Sag does. That's why it takes a long time for you to settle with me, nine out of 10. Like if I put a claim in, it's because Sag is billing me. Sag ain't billing you the two. Like if, let's say I forget, let's say I don't pay you two day scale.

That's $1,300. When you contact Sag, Sag bills done and ask them 56. Then says to them, and then let's say they... $5,600? Let's say they go, why do we pay this? They go, well, because we're going to take you to like a certain type of court. They take it to like some bullshit court or you have no idea. I found this out the hard way.

I went two years without that money. I counted that money in that year. That was the volume of my cocaine schedule. And one day I called Sag and Sag goes, well, it's a litigation. We got it down to $10,000. I go, $10,000? Why $10,000? I'm looking for $20,000.

At this point, get me $16,000. If you got me $16,000, I'm happy. Like, that'll never happen. I'm about two weeks away from Christmas. I picked up the phone. I called the producer director. I go, what's going on? You know, this is Joe D.

Another real story with this guy. He owned a strip club in Baltimore, one of those fucking cities. And he fell in love with a stripper. And the deal was, I'll give you my pussy. You make a movie. But you make a movie about me and I'm the star singer, dancer, producer. But there was nothing there. Every time she opened her mouth, somebody else stabbed themselves.

They paid, they tried to get George Jefferson. Sherman Helmsley. Sherman Helmsley. And they got the black chick from Baywatch that Gavin dated briefly. What? What was the black chick from Baywatch that Gavin dated briefly? The British. Yeah, the chick that lived, she was a piece of shit.

She took money from Fat James and told him she was going to take him around the world and eat his asshole. No. Fat James waited for her to succeed. God bless his soul and shit. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Gavin dated her? No, but that was one of the people who Gavin dated her.

But it's just funny that you, a lot of people come here with, you know, I never, I couldn't, at this point, listen, even for the last 20 years, I bumped into people that came to me. I just didn't have the heart because you know what? I didn't want to deal with them all the way through. I saw what Friends of Mine did with people that came out. I had a buddy who shot a movie with some people that just, because those people that showed with the envelope, they're great to the last meeting when they showed with their nephew, the director.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't tell him if he's a director. Tell him and everybody's like, you know, those guys always show up with something. They got somebody for the part of the star and that's the fucking downfall. They always show up with somebody really bad and that's a lot of people don't tell you. So that's when you go, well, do you still want the fucking money? I got the money for you, but he's got to be the director. And you're like, geez, that's fucking Christ.

It's fucked up and people will do it. They'll sell their souls to make the fucking movie, man. It's hard enough to make a movie. So if Igor has to direct it, then Igor's got to direct it. Yeah, Nick Tatoro did a movie that Igor had a director. And he had the comb over and the guy, oh my God, it was terrible. And it was like, he was actually like, you know, madam, like, I don't, I can't describe who he would be like now.

When I was growing up, he was like a certain actor that was like Italian. And he would do that type of shit. I couldn't describe who he'd be today. Hey, can you still, do you still know every check that's out there? That's coming your way. From SAG. Because one of your things, like you could come over to my apartment and you'd be like, yeah, so I got this check over.

You could name, I got two checks at the comedy store. I got one at the improv. I got three at the Laugh Factory. There's one that's coming from SAG. Fuck yeah. Can you still do that? Yeah. Yeah.

You could be, and this is 240 and it's 50, 80. Two from the comedy store. Yeah. I got two more coming from the belly room. I got one coming from that pet show with Anthony Anderson. I got one coming from the voiceover. I got one coming from... It used to fucking amaze me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you knew to the fucking day when they were going to be there, and if not, you were on the phone. And the check was supposed to be yesterday. Unless you got on a fucking horse or something. There's no reason why that check shouldn't be here. Unless it's on fucking roller skates. There's no reason why that check shouldn't be here.

If this check was a day, like... I know the timing. I know everything. I'd be burning. If it was late, oh, you were fucking hot. Because, listen, you mailed the check. I did the job on Saturday, you mailed the check. It should be here Tuesday, but let's pretend not.

Let's pretend Wednesday, but let's pretend like I bump into a 20 on Wednesday. When I get here Thursday, that check better be here on Thursday. When I come in here at one o'clock and open up this mailbox. When that check wasn't there, and I would look deep. Oh, dude, you got hot. Oh, my God. Holy shit. When it was not there, the hand started pumping.

Nothing burns my throat more. No. When I got a check. And now I know how to control it. Like, now I just ask my wife, and it didn't come. I already know what's supposed to come in the mail. Yeah. I'm way ahead of her.

I know exactly what's supposed to be in the mail. Every once in a while, I get thrown off. Somebody throws it 10 days early in the... Oh, my God. I could sleep today. Yeah. Every check. It's ever been out there.

It's a mess. Yeah. The Cuban fucking Jew... Never sleeps? ...is fucking horrible till, you know, you got to remember, I didn't become generous till I was about 10. Till I was about eight was when I understood being generous to people that didn't have what you had, and then I fucking gave it all away.

But until that time, I would bite my mother's hand if she was going to take a coin from me. You understand? Like, if I was sleeping there, we're going to do something. I'd grab your fucking hand. I was ruthless. Ruthless. And now, as I get older sometimes, because of the shit we encountered out here during

the years, like, now you don't want to hear no fucking stories. Like, now it's like, listen, I came, I did a job for you, give me that fucking check. Well, we have to count up the bonus numbers. Listen. Count up the bonus numbers on your time. I know exactly what the amount is. You know what I'm saying? To the team, I've been counting the doors.

Lee, show them. And I was like, I'll leave. And Lee's like, the 16 bonus tickets, because then they hit you with those new things. Six of them were fucking Groupon. I saw they didn't get pickles on their planet. That's a Groupon, you don't get fucking pickles. Lee, give me the paperwork, cock sucker. What do you got going on, Josh Wolf right now?

I know you want to start a show up at the house. I think it's a brilliant idea. Yeah. And you should have been done a long time ago. Yeah. I think it should be seven minutes. Yes, tops. Seven minutes.

Yep. And at the end, somebody always gets fucking shot. I saw your son yesterday selling memberships out there hustling. And I like it. It's the best thing he could ever do because there's nothing better than stomach to stomach sales, especially out in the sun. It teaches you something. You keep them out there for 90 days.

It's a lesson. And you can't take that from them. They could do something, God forbid, crack, whatever. At least they could sell newspaper applications. No, face to face is right. Face to face is the big fucking thing. And most people don't even have contact. These kids don't even have contact.

So you wear watches, Josh Wolf. I do not wear a watch. Listen, man, try to get these watches. These are the best I've seen. They feel nice. I gave mine to Lee. I had taken the mattress. I go, Lee, take the watch.

This is a nice little watch. I mean, MBT watches pronounced movement was founded on the belief that style should not break the bank, that the watchmaker's goal is to change the way consumers think about fastening by offering high quality minimalist products at revolutionary prices with over 500,000 watches sold to customers in 160 countries around the world. MBT watches has solidified itself as the world's fastest growing watch company. I mean, I gave mine to Lee. And so far, Lee, what do you think so far, my brother?

It's great. Like I said, I still have to get it. There's one, because it's great. They're awesome. They come with links if you want to add it. And my wrists are a little chubby, so I want to add one link to it, but it already fits great. It's easy.

Yeah, that has a nice easy release on the side, which I really like. And it looks sleek. It's black on black. I like the black on black. Yeah, I like the black on black looks. Now the company was started by two college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches, but couldn't afford them. So they started their own watch company.

Now it's like the podcast. We started from day one and now we got people listening, people subscribe. It's a great little movement that we're behind. So I'll tell you what, movement watches started just $95. At the department store, you're looking at what, 400 to 500 bucks. Movement figured out that by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman and the retail market, providing the best possible price, classic design, quality construction, and style minimalism over a half a million watches sold in 160 countries.

This is what I'm going to do. When I went to the website, I was in shock for the price they're asking. Go right now. Do me a favor. I'm going to give you 15% off today with free shipping. And if you don't like it, free returns by going to MVMTwatches.com slash church. That's 15% off on already low price with free shipping and free returns. That's not going to happen.

You're going to keep your watch. So do me a favor. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash church. This watch is beautiful. I'm telling you, Lee's been getting compliments ever since he's put it on. Now is the time to step up your watch game. So do me a favor. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash church.

Join the movement, baby. Stop paying too much for your watch. And right away, your friends see you and they go, what a beautiful watch. And when you walk down the block, they say, what an asshole. I got to tell you, that was the most passionate read of a sale. I love the watch. I love it. I think it's a great fucking deal.

Yeah. But here it is. Here's my all time favorite picture of world. We're putting on a new pair underwear. Isn't just fresh, but you're stepping into a better day before you put them on. You sniff the crotch. Then as you're putting them on, you're like, somebody's going to fucking smell my little Johnson today.

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I want to thank me on these MBT watches and I want to thank honor and I want to thank my main man, Josh Wolf. What is your next road date, Josh Wolf? I'm going to be in Syracuse next week, like the 13th, 14th, 15th at the funding bone and Erie, Pennsylvania the week after that, Erie, Pennsylvania. In my life, I never thought I'd hear you say Uber, cozy on these, cozy on these. I got to go. I love you, motherfuckers.

I'll be at the Columbus funny bone tomorrow night, Friday night, Saturday night with the tremendous Rick Kearns next week, Tuesday night, I'm at the comedy works, tickets are almost sold out, eight o'clock show. But then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, my main man, Lisa Yat, will be with me all next week and in Rosemont, shooting the fucking special. We don't know what the name is. Soxialy Oak, Soxialy Oakwood, I don't even know the fucking name. We'll decide next week.

I love you guys. Josh Wolf, thank you. Thank you. To find you. Thank you for coming on, my little brother. Happy Rosh Hashanah to you both and your families. Monday night. We'll see you then.

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forget shipping is always free in the US and Canada. And go to honest.com and you can go to church to save 10% on all the amazing optimization products like Apple Brain, New Mood, Shumtec immune and Shumtec Sport. It's also confusing, it's brutal abusing, they blacken your eyes and then don't judge. You're a little boy and you get a new toy so grandma you fell off the swing because hell, hell is for children and you know nothing lives or lives can become such a mess. You're a little boy and you know nothing lives or lives can become such a mess. You're a little boy and you know nothing lives or lives can become such a mess.

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