Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #420 - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Date: October 11, 2016

Iliza Shlesinger, comedian whose special, "Confirmed Kills" is streaming now on Netflix, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/10/2016.
  

Bedays are back. The Church of What's Happening Now would like to introduce you to HelloToshi.com. HelloToshi.com makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. HelloToshi.com slash church to get 10% off of your order. That's HelloToshi.com slash church to get 10% off all of the great bedays. The show is also brought to you by OnIt.com. Go to OnIt.com and use Code Red Church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Commune, and Shroom Tech Sport. You're Uncle Joey.

It's such a hard song to sing. Fucking, if I'm correct, this is 81. That's what you're trying to fucking tell me. That's what they're saying. That's what you're trying to tell me. Look this song up for sure. Alright. I'm almost positive that it's 81 because I still remember hanging out with my undertaker buddy. And he loved this. It's a good song.

And he would blast it to the shore and the way back to the shore. Well, it's one of those songs that I decided to sing at when I looked up the words. And it's one of those songs that you know you like. You hear it at karaoke and you don't realize how many words are in the song. Oh, there's a ton. And it's such a hard song. It's a hard song. There were parts of it when I was singing.

I was like, I'm just going to, it's going to sound shitty because I can't. Nor do I have to. But she's, it's pretty amazing. It was in 81. It was in the movie School of Rock. I don't know if that means anything to you. No, I just remember this coming out and then the album Bella Donna. This came out in the album called Bella Donna on this. And then she put the first thing she struck with was Tom Petty and the motherfucking heartbreakers.

When she left Fleetwood Mac, she had it timed. She came out with that Tom Petty and then she blasted this and then she dropped Bella Donna. And that was the end of the fucking game. That's like showing up with two aces that are full fucking hours. Bam. Yeah. Stop dragging my heart around. Yeah. That was one of the most played videos on MTV.

That was one in the beginning. I mean, you guys are kids. I'm just letting you know that one, the whole MTV scene started. Right. That was one of the pioneer videos. People would wait to see that. I just remember the SNL video. I was at SNL and living color.

They did Stevie Nicks tacos. She was like, before she's like, I'm into black magic and witchcraft. I also love these tacos. It was crazy. And then she blew up to like, you know, she got really big and. Steven. Yeah. Yeah.

I just like the song. Just the one that rumors the album you showed me. 10 years ago. It's still one of my favorite. 75. Oh my God. I was in the eighth grade or something. You know, I still remember there was a girl that was a national baton.

Twirler. And she had a party at her house and we went over there and she's like, you gotta hear this. I'm like, what are you talking about? Fleetwood Mack. And my head almost blew up when she put on chains. Yeah. All that shit Stevie Nicks did with them was just brilliant. I never had an education in rock.

My parents were divorced. And if I asked my father, I told my dad, I sang the song. I never liked any of that Stevie Nicks bullshit. He's like, he doesn't like that. He's got like original Boston records, like three dog night J and the Americans. Like that's his thing. But I didn't have a to understand rock and roll. From my generation, you either have to be autodidactic or like an older brother that

taught you about it or your parents are super into it. But I'm from like the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. And I listen to kiss FM growing up. So for me, like I hear all this stuff and I know it's a part of like the fabric of American culture. And I know the songs, but like I'm not a study, you know, so I always feel left out. I just grew up listening to the radio. There was a radio station in New York City that if you wore this, you know, I was a

fucking geek Elijah when I came from Cuba. So I bought into the fucking system. So W ABC had a button. And if you wore the button and they came up to you, you won $25,000. So you had to sit there and listen to the fucking songs. And they would go, okay, we're in North Hollywood. So me and you would run the North Hollywood with buttons around like two dingbats. 25,000.

Whatever the fucking people never won nothing. They were never even fucking out. Not one time. I go, thank you for the 25,000. There's someone out there like, we got to get rid of these buttons. Yeah. No, there were little buttons. W ABC.

Yeah. And they played like pop. Right. Like I still remember listening all night to hear Benny and the Jets. Like that's what was on when I was growing up. Like Helen Jones was the fucking king of music when I was a kid. Right. And then they would go, okay, we're on 72nd Street and Broadway.

Where are you? And I would fucking run down. They weren't there. They were on a toilet. Fuck no. Fuck no. Broadcasting remotely from the bathroom. I was a sucker for all that shit.

Yeah. In 1983 fucking MTV had a contest that if you won, you could go to Pat Benatar's wedding. Yeah, my plan was to her wedding. Not invited to her wedding. Can you fucking believe this? Why are you flying there? They do the whole thing. MTV was going to fly you and a guest.

Would you ever do analyzing for your wedding? Have like fans show up? Like that seems like something that no one would want. No, that's so horrible. You're a Brock star. You don't have like a VIP section at a wedding. That's terrible. Fucking Pat Benatar was going to get married in Hawaii.

And she was going to have four people come on the wedding. And then they do a private concert on the beach of Hawaii. My plan was to fucking go down there. And when they say, does anybody have any objections to go fucking crazy and go, Pat, you can't get married. I love you. And just be, you know what I'm saying? This is why you don't invite fans to anything. Nothing.

Nothing. I sent Eliza, I must have sent thousands of postcards. Postcards? Postcards of what? That's what you had to fucking send them. What's on the postcard? Hi, I'm Joe Diaz. No, on the back of it.

The picture. What's it a postcard of? Nothing. Blank postcard. It's a letter. You're describing a letter. Just a little fucking postcard that you buy at stationery stores in the 80s. And it said MTV Studios, B.O. Box 64, 50, New York, New York.

And then inside you had a right. Joey Diaz, I want to go to Pat Benatar's wedding for fucking every day I mailed it from different posts. You know me. I went to different posts. Different angles. No, I kept from every place. There's probably so many Joey Diaz's out there.

I was working for a bookie in those days. So on the way home. Of course. I was working for the bookie. I'd do the fucking things. And then when I was going back on 118th, I'd mail them from different locations in the city. So if I would go to Harlem to pick up Coke, I would mail them from Harlem.

Why are you taking it from different locations? They're going to, it's the same name. I don't fucking know Eliza because I'm fucking superstitious. Do you understand me when you're super fucking superstitious? You got to work at the very fucking angle. And it didn't pay off because at the end I didn't win the fucking contest. Do you think it's because you didn't stick with the one mailbox? Yes.

Looking back. No, it's because I'm the kiss of debt at the time. If I were to send it in today, I'd be front row at that benedictized fucking wedding. What did your friends think of that? Like, that doesn't seem like something your friends would be too supportive of. Do you think I fucking told my friends? Do you think I would even mention that to my friends? You were going to go and they'd be like, where are you going?

You'd be like, on vacation. I'm just like, yeah. I'm going to Hawaii. All expenses paid. These things happen to people. And I was going to take my friends stinky because he went everywhere with me. That's who you wanted a wedding. That's who I thought.

I wouldn't have taken them to the wedding. I said, I would have told them we're going to Hawaii and let him do whatever he'd do and then I would have gone to the wedding by myself. Yeah. Listen, when Pat Benetals got married, you could talk any woman on the island to do anything with you. When you're on an island, I could walk up to you and say, Eliza, I'm bored. You're bored.

Pat Benetals getting married. You want to come? Right. You're like, you know what, man? I'm on vacation. You know what? I'm on my honeymoon, but let's go. Yeah.

Who cares? I'm just going to go with him. Where would you like to go for your honeymoon when the beautiful day happened? I don't know. You know what? I think you can attest to this. I travel so much as it is. You don't want to do anything.

I don't want to do anything. I come home and I like you so much. You're like, come to the valley in the beginning of the work week and I was like, I'll go for you, but I have family in Santa Monica. I don't see. I'm like major holidays. Eliza, please explain to the people. When I emailed you, you have an email response that comes back saying, listen, I got a dog.

It does not. I work out. I write. I sing. I work out. I dance. I'm fucking busy. That's what it says.

Okay? If I don't get fucking back to you, don't be mad at me. This is my assistant's fucking address. Send him a call and I'll get back to you. Whatever. I love you. Have a good day. God bless you.

Eliza. It's the best way to do it. It's the best way to do it. To have it up all the time, you're an asshole, but I happen to be doing a lot of things right now and I'm on a very personal basis with everybody that books me on the shows. Like I'm not a dick. Like I answer stuff. A lot of comics.

Like I never go to your email. I answer everything, but I happen to be going through so many things right now. I just don't want anyone to think that I think I'm too cool and so it's like better you know that I'm busy and that your email will get answered and someone else will answer it versus just ignoring it. Have you ever worked in a professional writer like somebody who's written a television show like fucking somebody big? Like a real person.

Yes. Like a real person. No. No coffee. No coffee. You would call these fucking people? They don't answer the phone. Nobody answers the phone.

There's a block of that day that they don't answer. They'll call you right back when that block is over. But that's the writing time. And that's their writing time. For my friend it's like six hours. Some people have that if what you have is writing and that's your thing just like I'm not going to answer the phone when I'm on stage. But I think in general like in Hollywood it's a cool thing to act like you're busy.

Like a lot of male comics. Like did you get the text about the show? Oh I didn't check it. I'm like really? Well then where did the text go? Like you have a data plan. So I try to just be cognizant of other people's time and not make them feel like jerk offs if they email me or text me.

There's nothing worse than when you reach out to someone and they just don't write back for like a business thing. It makes you feel like an idiot. Right? You feel me? That's fucking horrible. It's the whole my beef is like I work for Eliza in her movie for a week. That week I could call fucking Eliza at three in the morning.

Right. And go Joey, I need you on the set at 7.15 with that blue shirt on. Because you're working together. But the shit that pisses me off is Sunday when I call you and there's no more movie and you don't answer the fucking phone. And that's what has been done to me by just writing all the movies that we talk every day and all of a sudden the movie's done I call you for something. Right.

Three messages. Wow. So when I was doing your movie you answered the fucking phone. Right. After the movie ends I call you for a check or the paperwork and these guys wouldn't call me back for a month. Right. Well.

The shit like that. That's really fucking crazy. But I think for the traveling I mean yeah that drives me crazy and I don't you know you hope the goal is to be respected enough as I'm sure you are but in general that people will answer or people feel that you're important enough to answer back and you know you remember when people didn't answer stuff and you remember that kind of stuff and not that you should make a list but it sticks with you and all I made the decision. I made the decision a long time ago that I was not going to act like my colleagues.

I was not going to be no I'm not going to answer everything on I don't even check Facebook and every email sometimes they're inappropriate or sometimes it's I don't know you got this but I was going to make an effort to treat everybody like a person as long as you're cool to me I'll try to be cool back and that's just the decision I made them just I'm not the kind of person who just ignores people a couple years ago when things started popping like 11 years ago for me and I started going to these meetings at every fucking meeting there was one jerk off there was always 25 fucking minutes like just you know when writers want to meet with you and managers and other writer like those meetings and they choose

a restaurant or something right and then your agent has to go and your fucking manager has to tag along so everybody's sitting there with puppy dog guys and this jerk off walks in 25 minutes late hey guys so sorry so sorry there was so much rubbish in Ventura I've got a kid oh my fucking god oh my god somebody came to me like a really top comic one day I was telling him my situation he goes nah you're getting it all wrong he goes when you were a comedian man you always gotta be late is he black and I go no a white successful comic who is it and I go he goes you you have to be late that's what it means to put the work in allies I gotta tell you son I did it one time and I was like no he's wrong

no please I grew up different I grew up completely different 15 minutes early and I'm gonna get so much it for the black thing whatever we got the other person I was like it's the truth it's it really is about the way you were raised but and I've said this on my own podcast so you see successful comics right and people start to act assert everybody knows people start to act a certain way when they're successful and then what happens is comics who have not put in that time those are their buddies or those are the people that they you know that they look up to so they're like oh if I act like an asshole then it looks like I'm cool and it kind of works having like a little bit of swag but I'm like but you don't have

20 minutes to back it up to me you just seem like a dick I'd rather just do my job well absolutely and be cool just because I'm never late I was here early I watched you eat all the mushrooms I get I cannot my dad's as if you're not early you're late and I just think it's it's just respect of other people's time and it's just not a way to do business no I didn't like I was like why would I be late when I that's against my fucking principle no I'll be late like that's against everything I fucking believe you know what if you have a meeting at one leave at 1215 if it takes 15 minutes yeah it's like oh so you don't know how to get a download a ways app and it's so funny because especially in Hollywood

it's cool to be late it's cool to come in late not show up before I was late and what shocks me I always think like but wait a minute but at one point in your life you were on time you were on time to the audition that got you the show that turns you into an asshole you were on time for your costume fitting you were on you've been on time for things before so it isn't as if the concept of time just eludes you you know to be on time you're just choosing not to have you guys don't matter have you guys ever had someone cancel a meeting or something when you're there on time and then they're late and then they cancel it when they're late and they're not even there I had not had that happen oh I had I was doing

a podcast or somebody and we got down there we were at his house not the guy's house but the guest house and like 15 minutes after he was already texting around the corner around the corner he's like oh I can't do it today oh that sounds like a bad date oh it was I've never had a date do that I've never that was I've never had that either I try not to have meetings unless they're absolutely necessary also something I've learned recently the more the busier you are and the more valuable your time is no I don't have time to grab a fucking coffee and catch up I had somebody the other day the look when we go are you busy Friday I'm like that is prime real estate for fuckery I don't have that's my like I'm gonna do my

set and then go out with someone I love or care about not you not for dinner with a general meeting you out of your mind to ask for a Friday or Saturday night are we married no no coffee even in the next actually no time to have a meeting coffee in the middle of the day it's like so I have to stop everything I'm doing to go force a coffee to hear your like cartoon idea I'm just saying I don't have a schedule lies neither do you know neither does Lee there's two types of people there's people that have a schedule there's people that don't have a schedule if I wanted a fucking schedule I would get a fucking day job yeah so I don't have a schedule my schedule 724 and I don't know when the fuck I'm working yeah and I I don't know if I could do a fucking

lunch I don't know if I could do a coffee I don't know it changes to look at the whole day today I didn't I haven't I'm supposed to take a head shot to something tomorrow and I thought my daughter was sick tomorrow so I would have to be around the house I don't think she's gonna stay home now so now I didn't call the guy tonight so now I'm the ass I gotta call the guy yeah call the guy because he probably rented a studio no no he has he does it out of his home it's for CISO yeah no I could shoot it after the I shoot this there's no rush yeah there's no your head's not changing well they're in a rush but they're always in a rush but they're in a rush but yeah they're always by the way you're gonna rush you're gonna kill yourself to get these headshots and

then they won't come out for like two months right December 8th like can I just scan the yeah yeah yeah no I don't play the game either I tell them it's by the day well I always that's always my point of contention with anything is it's sort of the same idea that like I was like I'm batting a thousand I'm the one working hard so when someone else like it's always like you've got to do this you've got to do this so I rush and I make four shows or I make that flight or I get together this set and then they're like okay we're just gonna mull it over I'm like oh I'm really glad I snapped my back in half so you guys can just chill out and take a dump feels great I'll just go fuck myself did you start in Dallas I didn't I started here what what is it so you

moved here and started fresh I started all by myself fresh here I went to school in Boston and I started here what college did you go into Emerson me too yeah oh yeah yeah that's why you that's why you're in production last but yeah I was bumping into each other no it's five years younger than me wow and then it was funny I don't I actually turned down a job it was right as I was getting into the industry I almost worked on your show what show the dating show excuse yeah oh really that show was crazy like I worked in post forever and well not in three years but your show was crazy because they shot like every day for like three months it's like a hundred episodes we shot 230 episodes one a day we shot for two seasons it was a gauntlet like I am equipped

for any hosting job because I shot that many episodes like there's no one that has more air hours on tv hosting unless you've been on like a show for like five years 230 and two years and like one year something so one show a day found any days we shoot for a couple months each summer we did it for two years we had two seasons 230 episodes total one a day so 115 episodes at one shop one hour never called in sick no day all you get your weekends off but all day every day from about June to October and how long did you have to be there all day nine this nine all day I get there eight or nine let's call that you do your hair you make up you come down I filmed the first act and the people that go on their dates I go to lunch I come back we'd shoot the middle part

where someone got eliminated or excused excuse me branding and then I a little bit later that afternoon or night or early evening is when the elimination part and I would like literally bolt offset and jump in my car to make it to the comedy store by 945 or not depending on when it was and they never gave me an inch of wiggle room I'd be like I am running from a tv show that I'm on and they'd be like well if you're gonna miss your spot and I'm just like can someone give me a fucking break and I would bolt out of there every night to try to make it wherever the spots were but uh yeah that was the that was a shake I can't like that it's uh it's funny working on that on the other side of tv especially when you have because you've done a couple specials and then

with what Joey was talking about like they're really anxious for the for these pictures but these pictures they're just anxious because it's on a to-do list right and there's no there's no real angle like it used to kill me when the network or the the head of the production company would come in because stuff would be cleaned moved around then put the best people up front it was crazy it's uh it's a it's a crazy experience to go through just seeing how like who they really care about yeah well I hate the whole hurry up and how I've been waiting I've been here for too long and I know how it works so I I know the things that you used to tangle where's the logic in this well there is none but I don't think most people that make art are logical people and those

who can't create good art go into production and that's why it's so scattered I mean there's so many things going on but any set you go on you have one line like we're gonna need you all day you're like okay but do you okay already did the line I need to stay um about one line on Spiderman to 14 fucking days oh my god oh from every six to midnight it's almost not even worth it let me tell you what I would do at six o'clock I would just fucking hide yeah that's doesn't seem very productive and I would see the production assistants like oh what's going on they're like they haven't said none I go they don't say none don't say none I would just be prepared I bring TVs oh you got to be prepared computers and see DVDs sit in your trailer at a long distance

phone though they put me in the back of Sony in the apartments I feel like you told me they got apartments back there yeah they're the tremendous couches that pull out like they were there like from world war two I don't know but we did them yeah the showers I mean guys it was bigger than this nice yeah bigger than this door couch opens well here's the thing good you're saying you're saying I'm hiding they don't want you the less people on set the better well what they would ramey would always go listen Joe you're too big for the fucking train I can't have you in this fucking train right so do me a favor just go to trail and wait for I call you and I would drink uh what's that fucking juice that was like 22 bottles tomahawk granite they had I mean it was the best

super yeah it was the best it was the best food movie I've ever been on right I mean they had tables upon tables upon tables of just breakfast yeah locks bagels oatmeal's you know french toast all those juices all the coffees star I mean they just had everything lunches they paid you 25 bucks to go get your own lunch but they brought in lunch right Fridays with steak and lobster tails so this was my option that I could sit in my fucking apartment in hollywood and come up with creepy ideas or I could sit down there and make scale plus lobster yeah you know well yeah you go you do the work you show up yeah I showed but it's still like okay I showed up on time I go up to the director the director's and go what do you think today's the day not today Joey we'll call you

when we need you then they would call me just to introduce me what was the line can I hear the line surely if you want to get to him you got to go through me that's it that's it that's what someone wrote that's that's what someone stole from someone else like $40,000 for that fucking line and that was that's great with no residuals that's great can you believe that you don't deserve residuals I fired the manager that told me don't do that movie that's for one day scale I wouldn't do it wait Harvey firestein was your manager no no it was some chick that thought she was badass I have a I have a similar this is there was no scale involved the I went to creative arts camp when I was 14 and they you know at a creative

arts camp you do one audition and then they put you in a play there's like 10 different plays and they just place you however they do it and then throughout the summer there's other plays they were putting on our town by Thornton Wilder anyway I was so excited because I was going to creative arts camp coming from Dallas Texas all the kids from were from New York and Los Angeles I was like this is it where was it camp in upstate New York okay and I was like this is it like this is when I get a chance to be somebody and I audition and they put me in our town and I got the part of lady in the balcony which is a person who sits in the audience and during part of the play the narrator pretends that he's at a town hall meeting and he goes to the audience for questions and I

have to sit in the audience the entire duration of the play and I stand up and I have to say is there much culture in Grover's Corners that's the name of the town they live in that's my whole line and that's what like I spent the whole summer for this one play and so I go to high school the next year on first day of school I look at this at the phone this play and it's going to be our town and I was like I fucking got this I'm going to play the lead I watched her all summer I or at least I'll get I'll be the mother I'll be a cow I'll be something I read for it I get lady in the balcony again the same fucking line two years in a row so don't give up kids could you recite that play word for word I was like that line word for word no I'm thinking that like after sitting in

the balcony for the info no but the second time I was like fuck this I'm not paying attention you guys can go to hell I'm gonna make out with my hot boyfriend you know I didn't know movies I watched movies yeah I went to movies but when I moved out of here I didn't know dick and Scott he was one of the best talent coordinator as a comedy star I had he was a guy that was really good looking you thought he was straight but he was gay as hell and he drank more than anybody I've ever seen for a guy that size okay and he kept it together he was a functioning fucking wow man at the store to the point where I remember one Monday I brought him he got me a gig and I go can I give you a commission on this it was like my first $750 gig yeah I'm like Scott I have to give you Scott

Day he lives like in fucking Africa now elephants and shit he moved here with Louis Anderson okay good looking dude and I brought him a bottle of fucking like expensive tequila at 12 o'clock when he got there you know by 9 o'clock the bottle was fucking gone and he was standing there talking to me about politics and comedy and shit I'm like this is not even reeking up tequila right maybe spilled it huh maybe spilled it no this motherfucker and then he would sit there and drink and watch the acts till about 1015 yeah he would wait for Mitzi and then once Mitzi got there he would leave how many stores a very special place Scott Day I forgot I don't even know tomorrow the fucking story was he said he was a good talent talent booker whatever it's called talent coordinator

yeah well I brought it up who the fuck knows it's just great to have you here I'm happy I like having women on the podcast and it's tough to get them on sometimes and it's a scary neighborhood is it really scary I did not want to get out of the vehicle I thought you knew it I thought you knew it for some reason another I know where we I mean I know the I know the area I know oh boy you would have hated the other place where we were at was it up to block up second floor real creepy we walked out one night there was a guy laying there and the ladies tell him you got to call the cops unless something lady knocks the next day he goes that guy was making believe he was asleep when I went to the bathroom he rubbed my purse and he ran out of here or something oh my god that night I

would shit my pants walking down the stairs I'm walking out of there we go why do I do the podcast yeah no I don't know then we found this place and this is cool there was a girl downstairs that had a real popular podcast that's how I found this place and I came and asked me if I could have it when she went to rotten tomatoes now she's a fucking CNN but she started downstairs right in this office right down it's important to have a space yeah you can do it at your house but it's good especially for comics to have a place to go to so this is good it's lovely inside what's up Lee how you feeling I'm feeling fine so far with another mushroom sure why not sure what the fuck yeah faces as red as your t-shirt oh yeah you both look like you're about to cry no not yet no I'm good I could take

today it was nice and easy yeah and you shit it was fun where were you last weekend I wasn't anywhere last uh we finished oddball right now the oddball where'd you go that I didn't I didn't go anywhere I didn't go anywhere I came from New York then I did oddball I didn't go anywhere and then this weekend I'm in Denver and it's sold out so I think there's like one show on Friday that's left but this is comedy works this comedy works and but not in Larimer Square the suburbs beautiful I've been I've always played the Larimer Square one and I'm a little sad because I really enjoy it yeah I really enjoy that club I know John Capurillo is there and he's so funny so I graduated up to the the one in the suburbs and so I'll go do that and then my tour my theater tour starts

November like fourth and this is promoting the Netflix special Netflix the tour starts with that we had to talk about t-shirts and stuff today um but yeah and then that's it how many theaters are you doing on this tour there's 14 and what size are the theaters a couple thousand good for you 141400 1400 perfect 2000 probably definitely not over 2000 and then hopefully we'll do a second leg in like Europe really you want to go over and give this shot yeah I did London once and that was great so you know all like the English speaking places and maybe even like Sweden because I think they're really into comedy they're really into comedy that's Pablo Francisco is joined oh my god I think he's so funny that's Pablo's joined up there he goes every year I know

he was going there maybe eight years ago for a hundred grand for one show or something so by now he probably goes there twice a year for a million he's fine I remember doing the South African comedy festival and Pablo Francisco was on it was me and Trevor Noah before he was anybody and he was lighting it up on stage there and some of the jokes were in africans and some of it was an and some of the stuff I didn't know what he was talking about because it was like a lot of like local stuff but he was on it that time at him and I saw Pablo at breakfast and I was like can I sit with you like and he was super cool about it and I just remember he's one of the comics that I sort that I look up to is weird because I don't really know him but that I definitely take a

page from his book and he's not the most famous but he's so fucking good and you say isn't people like who is that I'm like oh because you only know like the three comics that are on Netflix it's Pablo Francisco for days when I moved to this town he was when I moved to this town he was on fucking fire on fire in flago in 97 I first went to the lab factory latino night I had like a five minute spot and they said Pablo Francisco's on watch this this was like maybe the height of Seinfeld yeah and he did each one of them in fucking spanish oh okay standing ovations yeah people puking because it was just pure brilliance it was just pure brilliance it was just the fucking Jerry Seinfeld in spanish and from there it just didn't stop he's one of the

calm he's one of the first comics where someone comes over and I'm lucky because people tell me they do this with my comedy now and it's so it's so gratifying but people come over I'd be like watch this clip come watch this YouTube clip and he had the bit about pigeons uh how like you could say anything to a stripper and she'll agree with you look oh look pigeons she's like fuck yeah little pigeons oh look apples fuck yeah green apples he's like it's gonna happen she likes apples anyways verbatim that's the clip you can uh YouTube it but he was great what year was that were those specials because that's how when I first saw him like his comedy central special you know I don't remember let me look at home yeah check it out because that like that was

is he a store comic yeah he's gotta yeah but I don't remember you know he just contacted me that didn't know it was him he left me a message to be on the podcast oh my god I saw him at the ice house and we had a great talk it was great to see him he's one of the best guys in comedy easily comedy wise and as generous as can be when when I was when I first got to this town he would hire me in different cities and he would pay me above and beyond like I would go are you crazy yeah you know he's he's been a great guy John Panette was like that with me I know he's gone one of my first gigs to feature they flew me to Las Vegas I didn't know who he was and he asked me are you a Vegas comic I said no I'm from LA he's like how much did it cost you to get here

and I told him you know probably with room and everything and they paid me $500 and I spent most of it to get there and then he was like come to my office on Monday and I'll write you a check and I went to his office and his his manager layers you've here wrote me a check for $500 so I had the money I'll never forget that he did that and it was a real when you start in comedy you learn how to treat other comics by how kind comics are to you and I don't know that the comics ever gave me a real break but once in a while when someone is kind like that it sticks with you and like Pablo was cool when I met him he won't remember me you know but like the comics who aren't dicks then you're like oh that's the way to treat people one time I was in Houston

and Pablo called me at like 11 in the morning on a Saturday he goes what are you doing do you want to go no more I go now I gotta meet these people for once he goes all right that night I stormy gave me a bag he bought me three shirts at the mall no on a Saturday like and I'm talking about fucking shirts like I was like pommel are you serious he got me like a Laker for lower things I really couldn't wear do you know what I'm saying it was like too much it was like purple with the dark black right if you put it on you lost 15 pounds because you could there was no oxygen going in there like there's no right can good and breathe there was no you can breathe right and he gave me his two other dress shirts they had to be like 200 dollars a piece man

as he tipped me that Saturday you know I mean it was just uh he's just a great kid all around yeah it's really this comic that I worked with this weekend the guy that featured to me this week where were you I was in Columbus and he's a writer and 20 whatever years ago I used to open for him how weird he had just won San Francisco this guy's a dangerous motherfucker on stage dangerous his name is Rick Kearns he had radio in Denver he'll be at the show he'll be at the shows he'll have one of the nights okay and when you see him the first couple minutes he won't be on my shows but it would know you're bringing your own people and it was so weird that's why Denver's scary because they throw those headlines at you from Denver oh I don't care no no no but they

usually do like a lot of people go to Den I don't I don't you know what I will say I don't bring nobody then I fucking I never did because I always believed in cultivating local comics and give people chances that being said Denver and I love comedy works it's the only city where because they give you different comics every now they've never been cool never rude but they come in they do their thing they don't make eye contact they leave I'm like do you realize how much it would be who of you to just say hi to me all my features that I bring that I bring on my tour and that I work with are people who featured for me I like them as people and I was like come work for me and they it was never rude I definitely had it was never it was just kind of like almost like

they're making a point of not giving me the respect of talking to me like I was coming to work I don't talk to her and it's just like okay it's your funeral you don't have to do I won't help you that's totally fine with me so this year I'm playing a different part of the club and I was like I'm bringing my own people done I had somebody will I have friends that will fly in and spend money to get to do it and I'm not going to use a local guy who's not going to look me in the eye and say hi so I try to cultivate also I also uh you know there's a lot of comics that you taking a comic on a road maybe something small to you but something I remember how big it was for me when somebody called me at the comic store so you're available Tuesday what if I gave you seven fifty seven

fucking six yeah I need to go do my act in Wisconsin and test it out there 100 oh my god so many comics made my week you know I'm in one night I seen Lewis he came when I was hosting I used to host on Sunday and he came and he got on and I'm like yeah I got him on and when he got off he goes hey man what are you doing this week I go yeah nothing I'm around he goes I wrote something I'll know tomorrow give me a number listen you know I went back on stage I didn't go home and go honey I got rent money right you fucking called and he put me on the fucking show yeah I forgot him because of that Louis it's a small it's really weird but it's also like you got him on the show like you were cool all you to do is be a little cool and he was cool back if you were like no man

can't get you on or hey man you gotta wait you know like you gave him a green light people don't realize like for headliners like you being cool to us is just as important as us being cool to you you have to make people want to do you favors you have to you know nobody wants to help somebody who walks into a green room that's a dick you know last two years ago a kid hit me up he goes can I do a guest spot I gotta be honest I really don't know you I always say and if and if I'd say yes then every show I do I do they're gonna be there like if you let it's really I was it's really weird the lines the word gets out oh you mean other people come so like you ever I used to do a room in Bray and I was very generous to the room you know I went home with 50 bucks I broke it into

a three-minute show I hosted I brought a headline and a feature you know how many times I showed up down there and there'd be six guys I didn't know you did comedy here really what the fuck do you think we do here right and then they would start we didn't get eight minutes then the eight minutes turned into 12 and 15 you know they're fucking savages so it got to the point where you know when I'm going into a town and Tuesday I get home and I got eight Facebooks six of those hi my name is Peter whatever yeah yeah how can I I can't I don't know just not check it well how can I how can what if you go on stage and this kid goes I'm fucking this is my impersonation a hitler I don't fucking know right I'm trying to be kind and that's what happens when you be kind okay here's

the other side of it first of all I don't check the Facebook messages because but sometimes you know somewhat if you for the moment I hate that says if you ask me for something I will usually give it to you stage time wise and I will have friends that'll be like hey I'm happy to be in Phoenix that weekend I'll be like you can have a guest spot I give those out like candy because it costs me nothing it means so much to you and that's like a motto that I live by I always figure chances are you're not going to be a maniac on stage if you're great then it pumps up the energy for the show and if you suck I look amazing and it's only a couple minutes out of my life so I give people the chance to do that it's never come back to bite I hate what comes with it there's

a thousand situations okay you see me at the store three nights a fucking week well I see you I go hey and I walk the other way never giving you a hug I never give you the respect you deserve not all of a sudden you're at a stand-up live yeah and guess who wants to buy me a drink and skimmy a hug joey Diaz and he wants to guess it fuck you okay but oh there's a thousand of those here's the other side there's another side okay well but the other side for let me say this for you because you've been doing this longer than me right yeah I guess how long have you been doing 25 okay so a lot longer than me I think that and you're getting you've hit this stride now but there are so many years put in where there was people there were people ignoring you like that

and you don't seem you're not a mean guy at all but I think you've had more time to go through that to have that and now you're like yeah fuck you you've looked at me forever so you're allowed to feel that way I wouldn't begrudge you that I also will say this before I met you I'll never forget the day that you said hi to me you were so nice you're like hey and you treated me like we'd known each other forever and I just played along because A I was like have I met him before and B I you're scary looking and so I always no I don't know and you're like tough and and so I never said anything because I always figured you were in a different group of comics and we didn't know and not in like a shitty way so and I get people like I think I'm a pretty nice person I get people that won't

talk to me because they're like I'm afraid of you and it's just it comes with an air you know and it's people's perception and they're wrong and you're the nicest guy I know I was like the comments you came up and said hi let me tell you fucking something but my point is um you're of course you can feel the way no the amount of people that have been like I'm afraid like I would feel something like you never talked to me or said hi the amount of people that are afraid versus not respectful you know when somebody's afraid you know when somebody's not respectful you know you know you said things to me that you like that but you know when somebody's not giving you the props allies are deserves you're for sure okay so but I do get people to better for the doubt

sometimes you know what if I would have saw you at the improv and I'm gonna never saw you at last comic standing I wouldn't have said hello to you right first off before I met you I had this woman respect for you now when I see a girl like you that is petite you're not thank you and not violent you're not drunk right you're not obnoxious and I see you at the store I feel for you I feel for you and I want you to know that I got your back okay I got your back just in case if anything goes down I'm not here to hit on you I'm too fucking old I'm not here to give you drugs you have offered me drugs already I'm not here to give them to you I often see it's just so weird when I'm at the store I know what girls are faking the funk what does that mean there's girls that go down there fake

the funk what is fake the funk they show up for two years they see what they can work and they disappear and then I know a girl that you like you had this four set tonight I'm gonna go to the improv to do a set there you are and I go to commie stone you're like dog shit you're everywhere thank you I found out you were at the IO or you were at this guy's bar or you do the seven o'clock show at the commie store you work at this it's not like you're dating guys and right dating or I did manage you know right you're one of these motherfuckers that I see out there banging it and you're running against around men my mom was a bookie and she ran my mom was a bookie and she ran around men and when you see that gift not a lot of women could do that yeah thank you takes

a certain woman with a certain type of uh self something to walk into a room with men and not get fucking attacked like eight guys like me in a room going 604 82 fucking dollars hey what happened with that guy he never paid you that money so hey you come in with you looking good you know I'm saying like I respect you so that's why the first time I saw you I just want to let you know that oh you were so nice he's fucking jerk off I got you I I remember you said hi and I walked to when I was like oh Joey Diaz knows who I am no I watched it I watched you I talked to Dan about you I knew you were tight with Joe and I had I had left the store and I had just heard about you as I was leaving you were taken over so I always talked to Ari yeah and uh I just you know I told

you that before I leave the fucking house not tonight but because nobody's gonna be on tonight probably some political you check all the stores all the shows I check Jimmy Fallon I checked the other fucking guy with the people in the car I checked the fucking whatever and I see what stand-ups are gonna be on there's some stand-ups that I don't even know and I watch just because I don't know my young the one guy that killed me one night was Kumonji Mananji Kumail Nanjiani that shit about Coney Island five years ago fucking I almost puked that night and then you know there's a few people I'm not gonna say how many times I've sat up to watch a show time special and throwing the fucking remote at the TV you fucking bum you really had the balls to open with that

joke I heard that joke eight ten years ago you're gonna you know so I'm cheering for the comment and then when I see him I want to go up to him and go now you know what now you know why you're not getting spot because how you know but I can't so I always go if I had the opportunity to do that so I'm watching the fucking tonight show and it's Eliza slashing I get home I got the cat on top of me you know I just smoked the joint I probably had some peanut butter and jelly and all of a sudden I fast forward because I taped it and you came out and just it's like you had no fear you just were laying into them laying into your point and Adam even Jimmy Fallon was like what the fuck's going on it was just and then he came out and it was just a big to do at the end

and I got right on fucking Twitter and I go Eliza you fucked them god damn it my wife's like why is the fucking light on in the office I'm trying to sleep I go I gotta take I gotta hit it because she did really well and I hadn't seen you since then to pull you over you're always on the move you're always on the fucking move so I I don't want to grab you by the Armageddon man I saw you on Jimmy Fallon you fucked them up but then you said something to me you know we live in this comedy world now that women aren't getting enough spots there's jerk off to say women aren't fucking funny every time I hear a jerk off say women aren't funny I want to send them a clip of Lucia Ball just to get the party started like this how wrong you are okay this

lady lives on TV every fucking day for the last 80 years yeah and you're gonna come up with some it's antiquated and some fuck thank you antiquated thank you antiquated and that's the word I was looking for I feel you know not to make it about girls because like you said like I've been competing against men since I made my professional debut or whatever in comedy I did last comic standing that was all guys comedy store is mostly guys so of course if I auditioned for something it's me versus another girl but when I go on tour and I look at if I'm playing clubs it's all it's men on those rosters and there's no this isn't saying bad things about other girls and I hope they have great careers but for me it's always been me pitted against men and then people for sensationalism

like what about the other girls and I've just never looked at that as the competition because it's me versus another guy to see who gets a 945 spot at the comedy store you know and and the whole women are the funny women have been doing so many funny things for the especially in the last couple years and comedy has been really hot people don't say women aren't funny anymore and if they do I'm like oh there's something wrong with you oh you're stupid versus when I first started my career I had to be like well you know girls are funny I tried to so now I just don't even answer it right just uh it's just all these things that these formulas people had for a long time I'll never forget they were shooting Showtime Showtime about 10 years ago

maybe 12 years ago gave away eight half hours and they had showcases at the store and I'll never forget that I'm out there one night I didn't showcase they were showcasing a bunch of like up-and-coming comics and shit and I was there one night and Messina was there Rick Messina good guy great guy you know I talked to him all the time out there and some girl was talking to him and she's like you know I'm having a hard time he's like how old are you she's like 30 he goes you should just move back to where you came from and he goes everybody you know a woman's hot from 22 to 21 to 27 and guys after now here I am long in the fucking tooth I didn't get hit I was 32 I didn't get on stage so I was 30 or something and he's like

and guys are dead after 25 was he talking and I'm listening to this and I get in my car and I go home and that night I'm sitting there and the next week I saw him up there I go can I talk to you for a second because he's a cool guy he's a really cool guy yeah and I go hey man yeah then I heard you talk to this girl and you were telling me this and this and this and I go the reason you got that baseball field in your back fucking yard is because of the two old guys in comedy tool time to me I was not fucking 28 when he made it all right and the other guy with the glasses the chubby guy the host of Harry true carry he was another guy I was 40 when he fucking made it I go you made millions of these guys how can you tell right he goes you know it's crazy I thought

about it when I went home that night what a mistake I made too good he goes I didn't know what I was thinking you made millions of dollars off two fucking old guys especially comedy you can be older in comedy it's actually one of the few things where when you're older people value your opinion more comedy doesn't discriminate you're the funnier you're not whether you get into it later or you know regardless I'm so fucking embarrassed right now why like I just I feel like just being too old and being on stage but yeah they were watching a Rodney clip and I'm like he was fucking old I watched most of that special this weekend but you have the gravitas when you get up there and you say something you know you mispronounce kumail's name or something or you say you know

because of who you are and where you're from and the generation you have it's okay there are things that I was talking to Joe about this when we laugh because I was laughing we were in the car in Arizona and we were hungry and there was only thing that was open as poppados and you were going on you're like you trust your uncle Joey I'm like I don't really know you trust your uncle Joey go to poppados and then you made a joke and you were like you're like you when you get the gumbo and the sauce with the fingernails and the Katrina oil and I was dying laughing if I on stage the other night made it said one Katrina reference and they went ice cold but you say it and it's okay and granted it's about intentions I'm like that but it's also about

like a life lived there are things you can say that I can't and so you shouldn't be embarrassed I turn them on so I don't have to give you a pep talk I didn't get to try it is it still about poppados and not the moral of my story yeah like oh I got a pulled boy but I was I was too tired that's not stoned here by the way yeah which is why we're talking about poppados now but then like I think why it comes across like why people are okay with it is because it's what you say in real life like he had that entire speech for the server at poppados yeah it's like he tells everybody he loves you but it's also and you know people need are so fucking PC you're an equal opportunity offender there's no hate in your heart you're just saying and it's just like this east coast

ball breaking like I know guys like that it's okay wait a second I'm Cuban but I got a Jewish cup okay so Jewish cup yeah that means you got a Jewish cranium so I had a friend that used to go I'm Italian but I got a French cup that's why I don't know how to make all these cocktails and he used to kill me he was like 70 anyway what the fuck are we talking about why you gotta throw me off I was talking about your character you start talking about no we're talking about you're Cuban with a Jewish hat cup cup he was talking about poppados and I was saying you have the the gravitas to say what you want to say I fucking forgot I gotta stop smoking pot maybe a little I was saying it's okay you were saying you were ashamed to be old on stage

how old are you 53 thank god because I didn't know and I was like what if he says he's 40 and I gotta tell him he looks terrible for 40 plus like a little girl at the house and she's gonna click on the fucking youtube and hear half these conversations it's just a lot of things that they're eating away at me a little by little yeah but she's gonna hear whether you stop doing comedy or not she's three and a half you got a minute she's not in today's world you know what that fucking computer i went over the other night to pick up a shirt and she came out and she said hi but then she has a tablet thing apparently yeah and like I was trying to say goodbye she's like no goodbye goodbye like she she like really seems to like me but now she's like when

she's had to do like though oh she loves that fucking tablet so what are you gonna do with that girl what's happening blanche blanche doesn't care she's going as a lobster all right it was real I forgot what I was gonna fucking tell you bothers me about the the cuban but the jewish couple we're talking about we're talking about you attention we're trying to bring the true because it's stuff you say oh okay I'm so sorry okay so Katrina happened right all right so let's pretend you went down to the sea to the sea let's pretend you went down there with to see what was going oh oh I thought you meant the ocean and all of a sudden you're like wait a second wait just one fucking minute here look at all this oil look at all these animals I seen that commercial for dove right where they

take the fucking bird and they wash the duck and shit what if I fucking get like a whatever and scoop up all this shit take it home and wash it and freeze it and then once the fucking shrimp thing goes out I saw the shrimp what are you talking I'm telling you this is how you have to think because this is not the way this is somebody did this this is somebody fucking did there's no Katrina oil in the gumbo listen to me somebody I didn't say that was listen somebody went scooped up all these animals and oil on them what animals the birds shrimp and they put them in the gumbo listen to me and they washed them down really good with like with dawn with dawn right then they washed them down even though the animals were dead you have like like if I stab you you have 24

hours to get to the hospital get stitched up after 24 hours you can't get stitched up there's nothing like a doofy that's like if you get a cut you can't stitch it after 24 hours that was that was 20 years ago I don't know I'm pretty sure we could no you have to look it up the 24 hours you have to stitch up a wound if not it's two you can't do no stitching no you just open one the rest of your life no they do butterflies and shit like that stitching you know what I'm saying with fucking bandages and stuff so the same thing so the shrimp is dead he's got oil on them I wash them off I wash them off really nice I scrub them down yeah and I freeze them yeah and I come to you two years and I got shrimp I got shrimp I got shrimp I like really and I let me ask you this and I as a

corporate buyer for that's in charge of food quality for a mega chain restaurant I buy this shrimp out of the back of your Chevy I didn't say that I said that let's pretend but this is your conspiracy theory no there's no conspiracy theory I used to live this shit I used to do what I'm telling you not with Katrina fish okay but fish that fell off oh this is two different things then same thing this is fish that fell off a fucking but all I gotta do is tell you this is shrimp that fell off a thing you're a gumbo guy you make a living off the bottom line correct the moon though first of all we're going to bang this out two ways I'm going to take that fucking Katrina shrimp and I'm going to mix it with the fucking good shrimp the good shrimp look you don't know every

other bike I hope it's the problem cutting the shrimp so the problem is I pay 16 oh five a pound for that shrimp yeah 13 if I get it by the pound 12 I know the guy this shrimp I'm going to get for three dollars a pound three dollars so rather way I'm going to tell my employees I got it for nine dollars a pound and I'm gonna skin six dollars off the pound right there not to mention nobody's gonna know about the Katrina oil with the crab legs and guess what like my shit's gonna come fortified you're just getting shrimp for 1650 I'm giving you a little bit everything seaweed a duck leg you know what I'm saying one frozen duck leg who is eating this a monster me you're eating when I go out the fucking pop of those in you asked for one duck you were like you're like

you're gonna give me less is this a pepsi can in my gumbo give me a bowl of fucking gumbo I eat out lastly leave sat right next to right at all the seafood and then you look at it and the gumbo water is brown but it's got that little streak of I think that's just olive oil it's not fucking horrible I thought it was a slushy it's like this little I know I grew up in Jersey you know in Jersey at the algae in the water yeah okay it's kind of greenish okay I'll buy the shrimp okay no I don't want you to buy it okay I want you to go to pop of those because I tried when you eat that shrimp it builds it builds character it builds cancer it builds your immune fuck the cancer we froze the shrimp the cancer's gone the cancer's gone we cleaned the oil off and we think that good

shrimp didn't swim in some of that shit that was left over radiation from Russia radiation from Japan I just came here to talk about comedy I know but we gotta talk about reality where's Tony Bennett cocksucker that's what the problem is that's the problem we didn't go to pop it it was too far we went to sushi Roku which is horrible it was terrible we ate I ate so much but it was terrible I love you with all my heart who eats fucking sushi in Phoenix two pick up the pieces is this the end no it's the halftime oh my god I have to go when do you have to go I gotta believe by nine what time how long have we potted for where you where you're gonna be at the next couple

weeks pumpy dates and you're gonna bring abandon ship well I don't want to I don't have how long have we been on the podcast for about an hour okay uh my tour starts um November 4th let's talk about the Netflix special okay when did you tape this I taped this I think in May where April met in Chicago with the Vic okay and it came out about three weeks ago Chicago's a great comedy audience I love him to death and yet you can't play downtown for more than a couple days because the Zanies is so small great club so small um disagree so that's it and then it came out and now I go on tour what do you want to know I want to know what city is you doing this fucking tour people start to like Milwaukee if you go to Eliza.com it has all the cities and I have to look up oh here I can go to Eliza no no

I have it right here what cities are you excited to go on like all of them people always ask that there's some cities I haven't been to I've been to a lot of cities I'm excited to go where my fans are I don't care if it's in the middle of Abu Dhabi which is fine now actually that's not a bad place to go uh I don't care if it's the middle of like the Sudan like as long as there's fans and there's Red Bull I'm happy to go it goes uh Philadelphia sorry it starts in Milwaukee Madison Philadelphia I'm very excited to go there uh Washington DC haven't played there St. Louis Atlanta love it Nashville love it Seattle great San Francisco Tahoe for New Year's the day before New Year's Eve Houston Austin Dallas Boston Mashantucket Connecticut for Foxwood I'm sure you played that

and I'm here in LA at the Wilshire e-bell for for Valentine's Day those are just the that's this the tour so it's a lot but not so much that it's hard I love you I know you work all the time and I got a lot of respect for you I work because I don't have a family or a day job why I know how hard it is you're sure you do I got a lot of respect for you I'm really happy you came on because it meant the world to me because I want people to know you're a bad motherfucker they know they kind of know but now it solidifies you came in take it you know I'm saying you almost say the start but you thought about your future you look at the mushrooms and you said Joey I did them once and it fucked me up and I did it again I had a good time that's the other thing

you could take them when you go home do one of your secret actually no I don't want to say that because then I'll because here's the thing when you're a girl and you share stuff on podcast and people forever tweet at you about it the last time I was stoned I was intimate with my boyfriend and horrible violent weird thoughts went through my head which is not what you want when you're like naked with someone so I just don't I don't think pot is for me not for you do you drink yeah but I still gotta yell at you about the fucking sushi in Phoenix it wasn't my fault let me yell at you first and then you can yell back I I did there was the only thing that was open you were in the car with us we were looking at all these things on yelp nothing was open

because of the time we got the driver was playing you're fucking off too he couldn't drive the drive oh I gotta go pick up Dane yeah like Dane's got a helicopter yeah fucking take me to pop it out and it was everything was closed sushi roku because it's kind of like a douchey part of town was open and I was like fine well I am a food douche bag there's not much respect I got for you I did not fuck up your night yeah because there used to be the tempi improv and the sushi place opened up downstairs yeah do you know how many comedians got sick in that sushi place the hospital sick wow that's why Joel partnered with was it copper kettle what is it copper blues so tasty so tasty steak bites you like the copper blues I like steak bites I love it I have garbage

they got good steak bites I think they've got great some of the improvs of steak bites if it's a Joel Bashkoff improv they might have steak bites that's what you want steak bites you know I worked with Joel the first night he started oh yeah 98 in Miami I came in for three years and he had just fucking started the clothing store went out of business yeah and now he was in the comedy but he knew nothing wow he was just a young kid and we used to giggle and shit 1998 so this 15 so to see him at yeah fucking oddball yeah that Joel is a manager now he was an owner he's the owner of several improv's they just opened one he consulted on one an oxnard really good guy always been super cool to me you know I think a lot of especially for women in this business is like someone trying

to sleep with me and they were terrible I know the difference between like no he's very respectful but he always treated me like a colleague he always brought treats for Blanche a lot of club I've never had a club owner be a piece of shit to me because it's like well look at the numbers or even when I wasn't doing great numbers like they were always for the girls listening it really is about the way you carry yourself so treat yourself with respect and they won't treat you like garbage that's my big lesson of the day I saw I'm a big Shark Tank fan I saw a clip with Barbara though like the one I don't like the other the younger lady Laurie I don't like her at all why don't you like Laurie I like Laurie I don't like them all I don't like the the the

infomercial thing and I I don't know it could be just because she's younger that could be in but it just comes off weird her mr. wonderful very older than you oh yeah obviously okay but um not that obvious well yeah that's true okay but I really like Barbara was with uh she was doing something on like abc news or something and she was saying that she thinks that women should act like men like that's like when it comes to to business because in her business in all businesses women real estate like women don't ask for raises at like a crazy percentage and I should have written it down don't ask for raises but men do oh and well it's hard to relate to that as a comic because it's different because I ask for more money all the time and it's not me asking for it

it's my agent on my behalf but Barbara Corcoran's a fucking business animal uh if you watch the last 10 minutes of my netflix special it's me reenacting an episode of shark tank and uh it's my favorite show so yeah just saying put that out there I like the blonde and I like the they're both blonde the older lady Barbara Corcoran of the Corcoran group and Lori Grineer of qvc I like uh they're all great David Mark Cuban I always learned something when I watch it yeah I like Mark Cuban I look at the people I go the balls on these people oh my god and some of the ideas yeah it's just sometimes you know that they're on there because the idea is stupid the worst idea on shark tank ever and this is 100 googleable go to a website called is it we google it man metals this guy I one thing I don't

like is emasculated men as a woman like I seek to be powerful not to make anybody feel like shit and this guy gets out he's like my wife would always ask me he's a terrible looking to take out the garbage and when I would she'd be like what do you want a medal so that's when I came up with man metals there's a picture of my balls in memoriam and it's a medal that you give your husband when he does a good job at something they're like five dollars a piece there's no way they have any online sales look at these look at these fucking pieces of shit 25 bucks go into the earth and just make garbage when read them best hobby best hobby ever two dollars coming home to be a daddy five dollars yeah you come home to your kids so you get so you get a medal I emptied the

dishwasher I asked for directions I yeah like was it 1950 I picked dirty clothes up I what is it the toilet paper the toilet paper roll up or if you've married a total retarded person totally retarded total retard I don't want my wife sequel to total recall isn't this insane it's it's less aggressive aggressive these are the people that vote for Trump you understand why people go I was trying to get in there who buys Britney Spears albums there's always that question I went to a britney concert did you know but there's always those people always she sells 30 million who someone's doing it somebody's doing it someone's doing it anyways there's some more medals too I don't do coke and I don't do coke so somebody's buying 30 million

metric tons of coke a week in this fucking country cutting it with Katrina shrimp and they're cutting it with Katrina shrimp like a motherfucker and it's building immune systems you heard it from your dr joey let me read this shout out to you and we'll get you the hell out of me and leave close it up I want to thank fancy yancy glass for the beautiful pipe I want to thank five goddess Beth and her beautiful husband for coming to the shows it was great seeing it mad codice tully fuck one Alex Cleary one by one podcast pussy shakes and John color all right well thank you for having me yeah no i'm very excited that you came in okay bye and thank you thank you and go to netflix go to netflix

what are you listening to outside yeah i think the cops are cool it's confirmed kills on netflix and you can also check out my show forever 31 on hulu and thank you and what's forever 31 about i don't even know about this shit it's a show uh i have a show it's on hulu and abcd which is abc's digital platform like nbcsc so abc is abcd it's a show i have eight episodes called forever 31 it's just a show about me my life you're 31 what was 31 when i pitched it i'm 33 now all right hey man it's good for you man you're a little working savage savage a baby savage all right go take blanche and bye guys thank you thank you thank you from the bottom line you were a real savage thank you you're the best to live okay boy i have to walk out in the dark yeah leo run out

there with you i'll sing a song for these people if you want there's a door right next to the thing or she didn't park inside no oh no there's a door there's a door just leave this door open i'll watch you there love you stay black and be careful there's nobody out there all right there's a couple black dudes they just sing songs they'll give white people thank you there you go they'll give you leave the door open so i can just in case to leave that door open the door is right by that gate there what's up lisa yeah who how's your little weekend brother i had a good weekend i did ask it again i know you did what'd you think it was a way and you didn't leave the fucking house i didn't leave the house uh because paul was there so i didn't want to i didn't want to like abandon no you should

have taken her with you that's what the asset the the most important thing about acid i don't this is where acid is different from like uh you know ecstasy and all that i haven't done that yeah no no no and i'm not saying if you do ecstasy when we do acid in the office when we eat a mushroom it's fun for two hours but the reason why we don't really have fun is because we don't go on and have contact like i'm scared to i had a question about that what i was going to go out but then i got a little paranoid because of my eyes because your eyes really do get super dilated doesn't matter people don't look at that people don't notice no you're not gonna make eye contact what do you think people out there hypnotizing yet tonight but i'm making my contact uh i wanted

you to go to um uh a diner i wanted you to go to a star box at 10 o'clock and just sit there for 10 minutes and look and listen and you go i'm never going on this farm again man those fucking people even they do something you see it for what it is well that was my question and i think you told you gave me the answer today you you asked me if i smoked anything and i didn't i took a bunch of stars it took like almost a thousand milligrams it's time for a star okay um but like it didn't get as deep as that i have in the past like there was some color stuff like the ceiling i really like my ceiling's kind of textured i don't really know what that's called and it kind of swims that's really fun to look at but it didn't really get to that next level and i think you're right i think

i should have smoked yeah because the smoke it when you smoke every hour it rekindles the acid then you start going to yourself i'm not high no more that shit joey gave me sucks and also you look at the wall and you get caught looking at something you're like fuck that i'm high and why you smoking it makes the transition down a lot easier i'm happy you did it i'm happy you did it i really like it i can understand what people like or doesn't when i went home that night it's really funny when i went home that night i fell asleep but i was still tripping it reminded me of the night my mother died i fell asleep but i was still tripping and what was really weird was that i kept thinking about my options

that night so we did it wednesday right i was leaving thursday morning okay the alarm was only go off at four a.m no the alarm went off at three thirty a.m okay we got home at what time remember we did the podcast at three i think you went home by like six well you right you went to dinner i think no i went and picked up mercy okay yeah i went and picked up mercy and we went home and we i was sitting there and by seven o'clock i couldn't take it i wasn't high no more but between the the fucking animals we took and the weed i was wiped out you know i had gone for the blood test that morning did i go for the blood test that morning i think so and i'm like should i get on the plane if i got kidney damage should i get on the plane at this vertigo should i get on the plane to columbus

ohio all this shit's going on and i laid down that night at fucking seven thirty i go let me go in the room put the fan on and just take a nap and next thing you know it's three thirty it's three in the morning and i'm waking up before the alarm and i wake my wife up i went out first and put the coffee on and in that time period i thought about because it was a connecting flight first one was a four a.m but it was a great flight it was a great flight it was a six a.m i didn't have to leave at five anymore right it was six a.m and it got me an hour later and i got it early so i went to lay down with all this shit in my mind about should i leave what's fucking up my back uh there was like three or four questions i went to bed with and when i woke up at three thirty they were all

answered see that's my favorite part about acid was the day and but that was my problem with at least this time eat a wednesday wednesday i did it's kind of it's almost kind of scary like it's almost like i'm a little speeded up and at least speed i guess but it's like i was joking that my neighbors must think i'm crazy like once a month because i just walk around my apartment all night i just like i walk and i talk to myself that's whenever you call i'm walking around my apartment that's just how i think so i don't know that's just how i think so that's what i do on acid but it's like kind of manic it's like you kind of zoom you do a little bit of the dishes and then you run around there but that didn't happen this weekend so that was a little bit of a bummer

but it was a different experience it was i didn't get as anxious as i normally do which is crazy to me that you don't get anxious on this when you do these sort of drugs no i used to get anxious off the stars or off an edible when i first did a higher dose every time i took a higher dose i would dose myself knowing that this was it like you put yourself through your own training yeah like one of these doses when i when that time i took the 500 in san jose that was the biggest dose i'd ever taken and i only really took if you think about it i only ate 400 that wow because i didn't eat all day it hit me immediately and the travel time was a little faster than you expect that's when i get anxiety every time i make a lot of jump

like when we ate the 1200 that night right there was a minute during the fucking podcast or during the periscope where like i got to catch myself that means it's hit me that means that i have to stop and think if i'm gonna have a heart attack or i'm like get up and jump off that fucking balcony like for a minute there i got to like catch myself like what am i doing with my life and i was in i like to bomb a deer and i come back so it happens to you after you've already done it yeah see to me and this is the same with my life all of my anxiety is before something once i make a decision i'm fine with it but me making a decision is it's like pulling teeth it's i hate it and i'm trying to work on it but it's still it's it's hard that's where i have all

my anxiety let's get the no fuck oh thank you i appreciate it i did kettlebells today that was fun i ripped my fucking hand i've never torn a callus before look at you getting calluses in there they're 28 years old you finally got a callus i've had calluses for a few months yeah yeah you're seeing them i can see yeah i'm the computer you know i had a callus when i was 20 from fingerbanging fucking i had a callus on my finger you know what i'm saying you're gonna sit there and tell me how to call us since you've been doing those kettlebells yeah you never heard from Dave no not recently that's it he went his own way that's it they don't want to do it no more oh we're doing more no i took him out to give him to the fucking blanch

yeah it took him more no columbus was great i seen some great people columbus fired i want to give a shout out to sam baker he showed up a couple great fucking people showed up i'm not remembering everybody i just want to let people know i had a really fucking good time this week as you know i go to fucking chicago it's already sold out i mean thursday night tickets were available i'm a little nervous i'm a little anxious one thing i do know is i did the work uh you're confident in the material well i had a after last week at oddball i felt that my because now i didn't go out in front of people listen to the podcast i went out into a general audience right yeah and my material wasn't totally offensive but it was uh out of the the realm

but it's the oddball festival so they knew i was coming at them they knew somebody was coming at them i didn't get the love that sagura got an alley wong and those people and they expected but one thing i learned was that i had added more humanity to my set so to balance out the craziness yeah so when i went to uh columbus i had five really different sets they were all basically the same but i didn't do a lot of jokes a lot of nights you know it's kind of weird and i just spoke about different things that i just wanted people to know you know this is my first special it's introducing myself to the united states people are gonna watch this on ciso i don't want to go out there and do the same dirty shit i've been doing for

20 years i want them to look at and go okay this is all right but at the same time i want to tell them a little bit of a story and do material a little bit of story and do material and the stories and the stories about me you know should i tell them that i you know i got like i tell them right last week and in columbus there was two shows where i talked about kidnapping or something i got locked up and i told them the story about trump you know just to break it up just to see if there's an angle in there i spoke about bidets that bidets are really making a comeback and that people you know they got the cold water ones and the hot water ones you know what i'm saying cold water ones is tremendous the hot water ones put you on another fucking planet did you install

your bidet oh yeah what do you think uh the cold water it does it does wake you up a little bit but it's i love it how fast is it going your muffler it goes pretty fast there's a little knob on the side to do levels but it's great what level did you put it up you know what i don't know i just i just kind of do it to the side i don't i didn't look at numbers you yeah i installed it with paul this week and it was great took like 30 minutes okay it comes with a little adapter and you know that little tube behind and only took 30 minutes because i'm i'm terrible at this stuff but it's just a little adapter i'm gonna install it in my outdoor bathroom there oh yeah you should it's and i'm excited to try the warm water one but the cool and but here's the reason why i love it

because i i'm a big guy i sweat sometimes i don't sometimes i'll have the time to take the afternoon shower but there's nothing like you there's nothing like feeling like you have to take a shower because of that and this just eradicates it it's amazing i hate running that so once i know i have it like i feel like my ass is burning or something i'm like that means i got rotten ass coming i can't go out that night so i just take a complete shower but with the bidet yeah you could take a dump and then wash your muffler in the back of your nutsack oh because that's what a fun guy nailed the box you do the back of your nuts why not you're there okay she's shook to a party once there's somebody suck your nuts what do you got you don't have a clean ass i haven't tried that yet

that's not once you're down you might as well clean the nut pull the skin back and wash the helmet a little bit are you turning around and like no right there like you're standing in your toilet right right the bidet night now you just move back a little bit and put the water around a little bit more powerful and let it hit the back of your nutsack all right you get yourself a stack of little rags you put them next to you like get like a washcloth okay got those in half oh my goodness you see i'm saying like i've already thought you think you're dealing with it and then okay but what do you use that for just the the balls no once once the muffler's clean because you what are you gonna do just let the water hit it you gotta stick your hand there like a savage or something

with a bar of soap right you're gonna let water hit it and fucking just hit the muffler in there what the ass doesn't smell like shit and water that's true i didn't think about the soap come on dawg but then but then you're sticking like soap up your butthole tremendous tremendous somebody stick their nose in your butthole it smells like dawn you know i'm saying you get some of that liquid detergent so this is like a three step process is what you're so i'm talking about if you're gonna go for broke go for broke right how you're just gonna wash your butt with hot or cold water you gotta have some type uh when you take a shower you have soap right absolutely and you put it in your muffler right all the time okay then then what what are we talking about but i have a loofah in the

shower okay so you take that little loofah you put like uh let's say you're gonna kill somebody you wear those gloves you know what i'm saying let's stab somebody you wear those fucking uh work gloves right yeah yeah latex gloves latex gloves all right right and you fucking uh put a little let the water hit your muffler and while it's hitting it you take a little cleanser and you put that in your butt and mix it up with the wash raw and massage your little muffler and then do the back your nuts do the whole nut sack and move around let the water hit your nut sack and then you pull the skin back on your helmet and you dip it and let the water hit that and you clean that off of your helmet that's a little Puerto Rican wash right there and you take that

wash cloth and flip it over drain it in the sink and then wash around your helmet and at least you're clean this portatubby if i was a hooker i get a portatubby i get what what's it called hello tushy i love tushy.com you think who the fuck you think you're dealing with here this is for people who are active down there this is for this is for anybody who likes having a clean butthole like and they were saying and this is great for me and paula uses and just girls use more toilet paper than i've ever seen this this is gonna eliminate it like they they say it it reduces toilet paper usage and it just it's it just feels great you know what man i'm happy that you installed it because i thought my wife was in the store this week and she was like no oh

you could even do it i promise you know i know i could do it i know i could do we've been talking about this bidet the bidet we're talking about you can find them on hello tushy.com i mean bidets are back i even looked it up that more people building homes with bidets again bidets are the device that sprays your butt clean with clean water okay you can't beat this you can have cold water or hot water i grew up with a bidet in my house they're tremendous my mom had it in her own little bathroom i would sit there because these are the bidets are either self-standing but not everybody has ten thousand dollars they got a plumber to come over the house that's why hello tushy.com they got the answer thanks to their sleep bidet it clips on to the existing toilet

and it sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water to get your muffless sparkling and now when you're sitting there you're not getting bacteria growing and you know hemorrhoids and yeast infection and just plain old rotten ass listen you take a fucking dump at work you're sitting at lunchtime what do you think cultivates in your asshole by five o'clock what do you think that smells good and there's a party down there now no so i'm not saying that you're at work or whatever but once you're home why not treat your muffler the right way on the weekends or whatever the hell you're at home hello tushy.com got the answer right not to mention like lee said but days are better for the environment no paper more trees you get yourself one of those little

like i said you go to bedbat than beyond or Costco you buy 20 of those little towels and stuff like that you just can't spray your muffler you cut them in half you fold them and there you go hello tushy.com in full motherfucking effect each asshole is a pint of water all right and let me tell you something tushy stands behind their product for 30 days so do me a favor you heard lee talking about it this is a tremendous stocking stuffer for grandpa grandma anybody who takes it in the muffler part time this is the one you need go to hello tushy.com right now they're going to give you a deal and a half i'm going to give you 10 off so go to hello tushy.com right now slash church chu rch to give you 10 off delivered to your house who's better than you this is the stocking

stuff that you need so go can you imagine everybody goes to hollow everybody goes to these people's houses for Thanksgiving they bring a pumpkin pot can you imagine you show up to some of these houses this year with a portable bidet who's going to get invited to everything in the next couple of years you cocksucker go to hello tushy.com right now slash church also i want to thank my main motherfucker who listened yesterday i did not fall asleep this is the second week in the ride did not fall asleep i took a plane i got home i played with the baby and i stayed up for a while you know why alpha brain bitches it eliminates the jet lag you understand me eliminates it completely not only that your focus i take the alpha brain before i get on the fucking plane now

i get off the plane i get home my wife's not home they're both the church i fucking dump my clothes i write up my follow-on week report i take a shower i put away my plane tickets and my receipts and the fucking paycheck and the pay stub and how much i pay at the fucking airport for parking and then when the baby comes i play with them i eat with my wife and once the baby goes down i go to bed and i wake up at five and i eat with them i take three hour fucking nap and because of the alpha brain i get no jet lag and that's the truth Ruth do me a favor on it's got a great supply of products whether it's the hemp force protein or the new mood or the shroom tech or the mct oil they're rocking the fucking rolling okay

they also have bats weighted bats and kettlebells and all that but i can't help you there all i can help you with with the supplement side go to honet.com right now take a look at the great selection if you see something you like that you want to try boom put in the cart and press in church and get 10% off your first order delivered to your house all right they also have to stay on that program where it gets delivered to your house automatically it's a tremendous fucking website it's a tremendous product i live on it go to honet.com right now and press in church boom go to hello tushy.com right now and press in church and get 10% off all right anything else you want to talk about lee you're excited about going to chicago i can't be more excited i couldn't be

more excited we're going to portillo's thursday night with peter greece oh yeah it's friday i'm hooking up with my main man josh piscini over there and motherfucking chicago 10th planet very cool eddie bravo's flying in so he'll be at the shows friday night you know he's upset because he couldn't come in saturday i couldn't put him anywhere serb he's just gonna come in friday and thursday night a lot of people coming in thursday night great i can't yeah it's uh it's an honor to be a part of bomb link this no no i'm happy that you're coming this is a listen 25 fucking years people 25 fucking years do you really fucking think i ever thought i was an issue to special i mean in the beginning i always thought it would be an hbo special that's all i ever wanted

when i shot that thing that's on showtime the payaso comedy slam if you knew anything about my life at that time i just took the money and ran i didn't think that thing was gonna happen when that thing had you know how bad i felt because i did a fucking 40 percent job on that not to mention i looked like a fucking bum i just did the set to get the cash to get the fuck out of the new coke you know everything i've done early on was because of the cash that's why i didn't work out this is the first time i'm doing this because i think i owe it to myself you know i owe it to myself you know and i worked hard the last four years at the stand-up shit not to mention the 21 before that when i lived in a car and fucking

took cell phones back and fucking uh you know i took a big chance in 1995 this makes it all even now i don't want to kill nobody no more i'm fine i got a daughter i got a beautiful wife i got a great friend and you i got great people around me here and uh i'm about to do something that was a fucking long shot in anybody's life never mind you know what i had going on it was just complete fucking long shot leah so you know what leah i'm not even fucking nervous i'm gonna deal with myself i'm gonna go up there and do some material i'm gonna tell some fucking stories i'm gonna tell some things that are going on in my life and wrap it all up and get the fuck out of there and that's it that's all i can do everything else i can't fucking control i'm

lucky that we have the podcast what the fuck is going on tonight i got like airport nine coming over my friend it's everyone coming in for the special they're all coming in before no but it's it's uh i got i get the question a lot of these to get the question why doesn't joey have a special why doesn't joey have a special and i can't i must imagine you got the question or at least new people were asking it and that i mean even though it must feel good that people want you to have a special it must hurt your feelings a little bit that you didn't have one really not alone not alone listen man i was i'm very fucking lucky to be here i always kept that in mind especially after the longest yard i realized what had happened

we know Cheryl crow has an album i think the second album Cheryl crow has is a really great album and uh there's a song on that i don't know what the song is and she says most people quit before the miracle happens when i was shooting the longest yard i kept hearing that lyric over and over in my head because there was so many times before that i was in a quit and i kept thinking about when for the first time jesus fucking christ let me close this let me close the only reason during the longest yard i kept hearing that lyric right you know and the main thing that i kept thinking about was 1987 when i had a semi fucking lively and i wanted to quit to move back to new jersey so i could snort coke with my fucking friends

i think from 99 to about 2000 or 2002 especially after josh got his deal and stuff i got really sad inside for a while i was like what the fuck is going on with me i can't get arrested out here but it's like when you're making strides and you don't even know you're making i was making strides and i didn't even know i was making them because i was booking something i was really alive when you book something here and people see you it makes them look at you differently now now you're not a jerk off no more you know what give him a spot dog he was in that tv show yeah but it was a small row it don't matter when was the last time you did something all right all right you know i wouldn't say nothing but people treat you

differently you start earning a fake respect only shitty people would respect you over a fucking one line in the tv show but it was interesting to see that i was always making little moves between you and me it wasn't the moves i wanted to make at that time i didn't want to be on tv i didn't want to be in movies you just wanted to stand up yeah but that's all that was available to me nobody would talk to me and stand up at all at all the best i ever got was if you come to montreal in 1999 we'll put you up maybe for the dirty show and i was went all the way to detroit and i said to myself what the fuck is wrong with me what am i a fucking half a fucking give me that one right there i go what am i a fucking i'm gonna go begging for a fucking spot my mother raised

me better so i stayed in the hotel room in detroit i went down to coco's comedy club i got an eight ball of coke and i stayed in that room for three fucking days the last night Mimi Gonzalez showed up and slept on the floor lesbian a Cuban lesbian chick and we talked all night and then we ate breakfast and she went moved to new york city how crazy is that i still remember that type of shit why didn't you just go back to LA who you because for some reason at the time i thought i wanted to go to montreal comedy festival and it wasn't till i got to fucking detroit i go i'm not going to canada i was gonna meet somebody we're gonna drive across to canada i was gonna take a bus to the montreal comedy festival oh so was your flight in three days is that why you stayed

like that that was my question like why once you decided you didn't want to go why did you stay why did i stay yeah i had nowhere else to go okay i could have gone back to LA i had to be somewhere in the midwest the following week i said let me do an adventure i got the money in my pocket let me do an event i had no money back then in 1999 i probably had 300 dollars in my pocket i thought i was johnny bananas i'm in a hotel room that costs 42 dollars a night people getting stabbed next door to me the towels are real small but i didn't give a fuck i was just happy to be in a fucking hotel room on the road doing comedy dog genuinely happy no genuinely happy smoking reefer with a little cd case with speakers i was Joe jerk off with speakers i would write stupid jokes and go to

these clubs and i would go to any club back then i didn't give a fuck i would look at the map if there was four clubs in that town i would do four fucking showcases and that's what i did i would go to all jokes aside i would go to coco's comedy club in detroit this other place that they took me to there's another place close to the casinos in canada like on the michigan border that i did when i was there those three nights i mean like i don't know two three hundred dollars when i was there that weekend so i was eating good i had a plane ticket to go back to you know all i needed was a plane ticket to go back to where i started from those days so let's say i was playing michigan all i needed was michigan and a cab ride to the hotel and i'd put the rest together somehow

somewhere they're fucking crazy whoo look at his main anxiety to thinking about only having three hundred dollars in your pocket that's it no money in the bank i would put away like i would buy a money order and put my ex-wife's name on it for child support and i and here i'd be in a room snorting coke and now i got two hundred dollars worth of money orders and i wish i could fucking sell them for ten cents on the dime but i mean i was it was crazy but that all disappears now by me shooting this special what makes it all better is thinking about those nights in michigan when i got attacked by the seagulls what makes it all better is you know being on a bus from fucking water authority new york city to

dallas and it taken 24 hours and being on the bus awake the whole time watching people hi getting off the bus eat lunch and smoking a joint and getting back on the bus i got really good at doing that i would roll like three joints and keep it in my sock and kiss the cops came on there and fucking crazy asleep being on the bus all night like i would just fuck it what am i going to do i got no way to sleep i might as well be in the bus all night do you think that contributes to you not having anxiety about this the fact that you went through all that how about going in front of a judge there's no more anxiety than that my friend going up in front of a judge and not knowing the answer that's fucking anxiety

so this i'm taking it which i could look at this two or three different ways i could think of this as it's going to change my life i could think of this as this is going to get me a tv show or i could think of this i'm just going to go up to have a good time wait think of that i think that i mean do you think that's probably what you need for a special because if you try that overdo yourself you've watched a thousand specials right the funniest ones over there having a good time oh hell yeah you have to edit train when you watch bill burr he's a great pro because he's having a great fucking time up there and he throws something new into the mix to make everything

highlight that's the beauty about bill burr when sabashin's on stage he has a great time up there when joe rogan's on stage he has a phenomenal time up there when when when fucking arie's on stage he has a great time up there for me to do well on stage i gotta be having a great time who gives a fuck what comes out of your mouth this is my first special if it's an old joke and it's flowing fuck it so be it bitches you know i don't have a closer yet that's a problem so i got three days to come up with a close i got a few ideas you know i'm saying i'm a fucking idea manly but i'm happy you're coming i'm sad that a lot of people couldn't come you know we couldn't get the extra security wouldn't allow it these people want a big insurance for the store they

don't trust you know who's going to be and then how many people and they're going to rent the store out november so this would be the 15th and then the 16th cleanup and construction starts in the 17th so it's been a nightmare but you know what i can't worry about that shit i'm gonna shoot my first special thank you for all the love and the support my wife made some fucking t-shirts just uh you know make them like a commemorative i don't know what was left she probably had like fucking 11 left or something and the other ones are going to get taken to the club leo be fucking handed them out shaking your hand and shit and that's it and that's that motherfuckers i want to thank Eliza for coming on giving us that beautiful woman perspective

that we love here on the church i love lee for coming on with his new fucking watch mvmt watching shit big pimping bam and that's it and that's that you bad motherfuckers i gave you some shout out to gave you some love once again hello tushy want to get on it dot com i want to thank the people once again that came out to the columbus motherfucking funny bone nothing but love for you fucks i love ohioans nobody gambles more than ohioans i love you dirty bastards anyway we'll be back wednesday i don't know if it's a day or a night time i don't fucking know what we feel yet what do you think lisa yeah what do you feel like doing because we'll leave it i don't know what time we'll leave it don't fucking matter i think we should let the spirit guide us that's right

tomorrow night i'm at the comedy store it's a last no expectation tour that's it and that's that thursday i'm at uh zany's that's all that's available and halloween weekend here we go the south point casino and beautiful las vegas 7 30 show friday 7 30 show saturday going back to vegas vegas vegas we're going back to vegas well he don't think so all right we'll see you guys wednesday night motherfuckers stay black uncle joey loves you one more time eliza one more time lisa how about another you say another star i think i'm good on the stars at eight of them you're never good who cares nine is a good number you know what it is it's rush it's uh yonka boy not yet what time i don't know all right look it up see what time yonka boy's before we stop

let's see you're bullshitting me i have no idea what yonka boy's all right tell me what it is right now tuesday beginning the evening so it's tomorrow night and and the wednesday evening perfect so wednesday but i mean i have to fast i can't eat stars on russia shana dude okay who are you one for this you know going back to cali russia shana going back to russia russia shana going back to cali there you go brother that's it we celebrate yonka pour tomorrow you got a bagel with locks boom who's better than you some crackers you send grandma a birthday present whatever even though she's the fucking purgatory and that's it that's that i love you motherfucker stay black thank you for listening for the church of what's happened now without you guys i'd have dick thank you

lee hit it cocksucker the church of what's happening now was brought to you by hello tushy.com by days are back go to hello tushy.com and check out their portable devices that spray your butt clean with water go to hello tushy.com slash church right now and get 10 off of your order when you go to hello tushy.com slash church that's hello tushy.com slash church to get 10 off of your order shows also brought to you by onna.com go to onna.com and use go word church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like alphabrain new moods from the commune and trim tech sport oh shit pick that motherfucker

that's crazy let's You tease me with your loving, duply heart-to-heart Cause I do know that I want you You walk around this town with your hate on a penis And you do know that I want you now Let's dance, let's shout, shout Shake your body out to the ground

Let's dance, let's shout, shout Shake your body out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout, shout Shake your body out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout, shout Shake your body out to the ground Shake your body out to the ground Just a spark that lifts the fire inside the mood

And you do know that I love it I need to do something to get closer to your soul And you do know that I want you Let's dance, let's shout, shout Shake your body out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout, shout Shake your body out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout, shout

Shake your body out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout, shout Shake your body out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout, shout Shake your body out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout out to the ground

Let's dance, let's shout out to the ground You're teasing me, you're lovin' to be hard to hit Cause you do know better, won't you? I need to do just something to get cause I think I'm so You do know better, won't you? Let's dance, let's shout out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout out to the ground Let's dance, let's shout out to the ground

Let's dance, let's shout out to the ground Take it over Take it over Just take it home now Let's dance, let's shout out to the ground Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance Shake it up, shake it up

To the ground, shake it up, shake it up To the ground, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up

Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up

Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up To the ground, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up

Shake it up, shake it up Shake it up, shake it up Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah