Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #422 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: October 18, 2016

Ralphie May, Comedian seen on Last Comic Standing and in multiple Netflix comedy specials, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by: Petnet.com - Go to petnet.com/joey to get your Petnet SmartFeeder, plus free shipping.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/17/2016.
    

This show, The Church of What's Happening Now, would like to introduce you to PetNet. Stop worrying about feeding your pets the wrong amount of food every day. The PetNet smart feeder will feed the healthiest portions at the right time, every time, automatically. Go to PetNets, get your PetNet smart feeder, sorry, plus free shipping when you go to PetNet.com slash Joey. That's PetNet.com slash Joey, PetNet.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use code ROOTCHERCH to save 10% on all of their optimization products

like Alphabrain, Strongbone, Numood, Shroom Tech Immune, and Shroom Tech Sport. This show is brought to you by PetNet.com and use code ROOTCHERCH to save 10% on all of their optimization products. Oh shit. Break out those fucking bazookas. Uncle Joey's in your living room tonight. What's happening, beautiful people? I missed you, cock-suckers. Ralphie May here.

Hey everybody, how are you? I'm sorry, I'm here, you know. Hello. The same old fucked up crew. It's a Monday night. October 17th, I hope your weekend was fucking tremendous. We had a great weekend. I want to thank Chicago for letting me take my special in their beautiful fucking city,

which I've always loved to death. I finally got Lee over there. I turned them on to a hot beef fucking combo with the sausage. It's so good. With the fucking green peppers and the onions and forget about it twice. See, that's what fucked me up. It's not like the hot beef with sausage combo. It's the combo.

The combo, that's it. Oh my god, they're crazy. I love it. Which one did y'all go to? Big house. House. House. Strong.

It was close to the thing. There was a World Series. Yeah, right. You don't want to go up there. We didn't want to go all the way down. It sounded like fucking around. We were taping. I had to do shit in the afternoon, both days.

So we just kept it light, like Lee and myself. And I got to tell you, it all worked out. We didn't keep it light at all. No, we didn't keep it light at all. That's a lot of you people. It was just great. It was a great experience. It's the reason why I picked that city to do this special.

That's amazing. It's such a great town. It really is. They're great audiences. They're like blue collar, but smart. It's a rare thing. And they're not shocked by shit. Chicago.

Fuck you. How nice. I lost my phone in the hotel and they turned it in. They turned it into the front desk. Fuck yeah. That's Chicago, man. Where'd you lose? At the restaurant?

I don't know. We were at the restaurant. You got up. When you saw me, you got up because you did not have it in the restaurant. You got up and you left it. You were sitting there playing with the phone. You put it next to you and you got up when you saw me and you left it there. I felt terrible because somebody, I dropped the album when I got there.

Somebody gave them a great fucking album. Rainbow, Long Live Rock and Roll. They went to eat the Cuban sandwiches. I left it downstairs. That night they called me in my room. We have your album downstairs. That's amazing. I got it in the morning.

Got it. That's great. Great little city, Chicago. I mean, listen, man, Chicago's one of those places that once you get into the suburbs, it's little last American frontier suburbs. It's really neat. I hate that the whole city is being painted as like the old wild west. I mean, everybody's dying and getting shot and shit like that.

There's only certain parts of Chicago. Nobody gets it. It is what it is. There's parts of Chicago that are fucking bad. There's parts of Houston. Oh my God. So bad. The different element moved into Houston.

Those areas where we used to go probably now. No way. They were all fucked up. You know, this is going on across the country. Anyway, you just can't say Chicago. I mean, Chicago is a scary place. Look what happened last year in St. Louis. Oh my God.

Yeah. Tensions are still like on the verge. You know, and that's so crazy because I used to go to St. Louis as a kid. And man, I remember in like 84, they had this whole 4th of July down there. Okay. I mean, for every white guy, there was two black guys. Okay. We're all listening to Cool and the Gang eating fucking hot dogs like Americans.

All right. Fireworks. Everybody was having a blast. I can't believe that town went to what shit is today. You know what I mean? I mean, it's like, I've never seen more people having more fun and no racial BS bullshit anywhere than at that fucking 4th of July. It was fucking outstanding.

Cool and the gang. Are you shit? No. Let me ask you this. Where were you growing up that you would go to St. Louis? Clarksville, Arkansas. That's funny because that was the big city from my wife. Yeah.

That's the team you watch when you grow up in Nashville. Well, she grew up in fucking. Paducah, right? No, in between. No, that's Kentucky. She grew up in whatever the fuck by Mylon. Oh my God. That's like Jackson.

That's like Jackson. Yeah. A couple, I was used to something with Jackson. We go to St. Louis to watch the games. Right. And then we go to Memphis to watch wrestling. And we go to Hot Springs to go to the horse races. My grandfather would get a place.

I'm back up. What type of wrestling was there in Memphis? Oh shit. Was it the guys you saw on TV? Fuck no. What we saw them on local TV. I mean, that's where I first met Spit and Dick Murdock. Fucking the funk brothers.

Okay. I met Jerry Lawler. I saw Jerry Lawler and Kaufman fucking wrestle. And then like two weeks later, I saw Kaufman get beat by a woman. One of these big bitches from Tennessee. I mean, she's a big, probably Mississippi, north Mississippi. Okay. This big bitch whipped his ass.

Okay. And this is like a WWE wrestling? It's third tier, but it's legendary. You know what I mean? It was Mid-South and something else. I forget the name of the other one. I mean, dude, I was, I went to so much wrestling. I saw Ric Flair wearing the heavy metal belt from Harley Race.

And it was his second world championship. And then I saw Dusty Rhodes beat him. And then he beat Dusty Rhodes again for his third championship. It was tremendous. Blood was everywhere. It was fantastic. That wrestling was so fucking good, dude. I remember as a kid spitting on fucking Abdul the Butcher.

I spit on him. You dirty motherfucker. Okay. I spit on him. Who else I spit on? Fuck. What was her name? Were you in like the front row?

Or was it like? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, man. All the kids were down there. We were fucked up on suicide cokes. That's where you, you ever have a suicide? I don't think so. Okay.

It's where you take a coke. All right. You tell them just a little ice. Just a little ice. And then you hit every type of coke. Oh yeah, I've done that. On the fucking thing. Yeah, that's the suicide.

Getting all fucking hopped up on that suicide. What do you mean every type of coke? We call it rainbow. Like Coke. Dr. Pepper. Oh God. Okay. Fucking orange.

Sprite. Orange. Sprite. Yeah. That's why we called it the rainbow. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh that's the suicide. Hot garbage.

Cops syrup. Cops syrup. Like the red nightclubs. Not even the fucking regatta one, the green one. I used to work at the movie theater and we had good ones. Oh God. Because we had like access to the icies. Oh yeah.

So we would make up drinks. We had like the white icy with sprite or something. We had a creamsicle which was the white icy with orange soda. Oh, so good. Man, that fucking sounds so good right now. A fucking icy. Woo. That's, that bong is deadly by the way.

I just want you to know I was cruising on nothing and then fucking went ahead of that. This little fucking mule. It kicks. And you know what? We've had the same bong three times for a reason. Because we've gotten so high, we take it to the bathroom to wash it and we leave it there. I leave it there.

I was going to say who's we. No, it shouldn't be we unless you've got a mouse in your pocket, tell me. I fucking, and I buy the same one because I know it's a, listen, since, you know, I got my first bong. Let's pretend 1985. Yeah. I got my first bong and I went for the mid-level one. Yeah, right.

It was a purple one. I liked the plastic with the fucking pistol grip on the car. I like that one. Hold on, Ralphie. This was because there was glass and then there was the plastic one, like the plexiglass. Yeah. Okay. But then some jerk off in 1985 or 86 decides to make a bong that's purple with like dark

purple hinges and it had like a carb and the bottom was flat, but it was like this. You see that black surface there? Yeah. What's that called there on the bottom? That's holding the turntable. Oh, is it not plexiglass? Plexiglass. It was like plexiglass.

Okay. So I get this fucking bong and I use it when she gives it to me for Christmas. I use it from my Christmas to like March and then the bong doesn't suit my needs no more. It's maybe up to here. This bong is, what is it? Maybe a foot, guys, or 12 inches high. This bong. Maybe.

Maybe. Put your dick out and measure it against it. No. This bong had to be maybe 18 inches. Okay. Yeah. So I use the bong until about March. She gave it to me 85 for Christmas and I use the bong maybe till March 86.

Well, something, I was cleaning sober. I was smoking dope when I was dating this girl and I was drinking, but compared to what I was doing three years earlier, I was fucking cleaning sober. Lee, you say, I'm talking about Lee, what we do now times 10, but to the fact that you didn't know what you were getting yourself and this was clean and sober for you. This was clean and sober. I got a stuff because people, like, so there's people in my family who think I need an intervention. No.

Okay. Okay. So you want a number to a good rehab? I got one. Okay. So sure. Yeah. Right.

Good. You got to a soul from, you know, okay, let's be honest from here to honest engine. Honest engine. Nobody can read what you're fucking writing. I know. I know. I'm just trying to figure that on paper here. I don't have the master scoreboard.

That's next. Yeah. All right. We're going to have the scoreboard over here so people could see it from 80 to 85. It was always a something. You know what I'm saying? I'm not. A package.

I'm not embarrassed to say it was no because it went from. Where did your mama pass? My mom passed November of 79. But before that I was already a scallion. I don't want nobody to think that all this shit. No. Already I was doing. I was already dancing for money at the bar at six.

No, no, no, but I was already, I had already by that, by that time when she died, I was already doing acid. No shit. I had sold acid that whole summer. I was making a living off of acid, a living off of micro.acid. I had it down to a science Ralphie. I had it down to such a science I had to cut a friend of mine in on it. And then the real money maker was black duties.

I would get the ups. The ups. Oh, okay. So I would get a thousand for 45 dollars, but I would sell a hundred for 35 dollars. And then you sold one for a dollar. Ralphie, you sold 40 of them and you already got your money back. Right. And you still had 960 of them to do it.

There was no, you could, only a loser could lose money on that day. And I would sell those to wrestlers. Little white kids are doing that now to Adderall. Right. So you get the, but not getting enough of the numbers I was getting before. No, no. Not for those numbers. Walgreens don't get them for those numbers.

And these black beauties were fucking solid. I wasn't getting these from like, I was getting these from these two chemists that were kids down in fucking, in a college in Pennsylvania, East Trousburg. And I remember towards the end, I was opening them up. I was opening them up and just snorting them lead two capsules. So you figure, I still, I think of Lee a lot. When I go home at night, I think about drug shit. And I think of one particular night when I was selling purple microdot acid, I probably had,

by the, you know, when you sell it, Lee, you do it. So remember, you build your resistance. Yeah. So I might sell you one and you might do one and get fucked up. But meanwhile, I got four of them in me. Right. And I'd be walking around and I'd be bumping into people. What's up?

You got a mescaline. Tell me sell to it. Sell me to it. It's four hours a piece. You know, they cost me $1.80. Not even. They were, they were $90 for a hundred hits of mescaline. So would you walk into a place fucked up and be like, give me what he has?

No, you couldn't walk in the bars. Our kids, we were walking the streets. We'd be walking on side streets. So we'd avoid the cops on Kelly Boulevard. And I'll never forget one thing about two in the morning, we bumped into this kid Vinnie. You're just roaming the streets of your town? With another kid. That's North Bergen.

And you bump into people from West New York. You bump into people from fucking Guttenberg. North Bergen. No, North Bergen. North Bergen. No, well, Hope Oakham is farther away. But the people locally, like you, that would be on those streets. We are.

But we bumped into a kid from St. Joe's, West New York. And I'm talking to him. He's loading up his pipe and he goes, you got two hits of mescaline. I'll never forget this. He bought the two hits and he goes, get one of those hits and crush it up and put it in the pipe. Let's smoke it. And dog, I almost thought my head was going to blow up.

I looked up and I go, I go, I've been thinking about this for a year. You just said it. That means I got a partner. Let's do it. And we smoked that fucking acid. And I got a headache. Like one of those in between head headaches. Did it get you out?

Did it get you freaked out? I was freaking out on the fucking acid already. But to make a long story short, I'm sorry. I wanted this tangent with you, Ralphie. No, I love it. When I go out in those days, you really didn't know what was going to happen. Like all you knew that was that you had $42 Ralphie had 64 and I had 80. And we're going to go to a bar and have a few drinks and maybe a package would show

up and maybe a quail would show up. Maybe a two would show up. Well, you know, and it was like, but that's what I wanted about the fucking quail. Like I went from living this fucking going to the ball on a Monday night. Okay. Like tonight. What's tonight? Monday.

Yeah. Meet me at a at Sharples is at eight o'clock. Okay. Nice. And let's have three beers. We're telling me going to be a work tomorrow. Eight o'clock. And Joey, I can't miss because the last time I went out on Thursday I missed fucking work

because you kept me out between the fucking morning telling me stories to him blow. We can't do blow tonight. My girlfriend gets mad when I do blow. Dog, you tell me this before we leave the house, like eight times. And you'll agree with them? You won't make them do blow? No. What I'll say is I don't want to do blow on a Monday.

I don't want to do blow on a Monday night. And also we go down and we eat. We eat like there's good meatballs. Yeah. And the kids taste good in the tap. You know what I'm saying? And all of a sudden somebody was walking. Dog, I got these fucking kway ludes.

Oh my God. That guy fucked up on the chemicals. He put, he made a hundred of them, but he had to pan that way. So all the chemicals went to the fucking bottom of the kway ludes. So the ones on this side is the one he sold us. So they're like three strength. And next thing you know, Lee's like, Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, I'll split one with you because I got to get some sleep.

I'm leaving here in one hour. You see my clock? Like I remember people saying it to me. Like, you see that clock in one hour from now, I'm going to be the fuck out of here. And I would just sit there and go, this is when I become the Nero in casino with Mickey Rickles. Yeah.

Remember when the plane would break? I just saw it the other day. When the plane broke and now they got you. That's me. At that point. That's a fucking god damn it. What's his name? Don Rickles.

Don Rickles, Mickey Rickles. Yeah. At that point, Lee, that's when you come back and you go, that was Paula. I got to leave here in one hour, Joey, okay? Don't do nothing to me. I ate the half of Kway Lut. That's it.

No, I'm not going to have another drink. What do you mean I'm not going to have a drink? Ralph, you just bought fucking Ralph. You got to have another fucking drink. And in that meantime, some skinny fuck with a missing tooth walks in and goes, dog, hey man, you want to buy a grandma blow for 75 bucks. Give me 25 and I'll give you a 50 next week. I mean, and you're sitting there going, it's Monday fucking night.

What else could happen here? And all of a sudden fire walks in his kid fire. Joe Lucci's cousin. Did he hit a light bulb and set his hair on fire? No, he started. And all of a sudden he walks in with fucking Valium's with the V's in him. You know, this was a constant. And now he never had anyone come up to ask me that.

They don't even ask you. They just get a drink. And all of a sudden they wave. And next thing you know, you got a bathroom to pee. Bam, they got you in the bathroom. Dog, you want to buy these? Dude. They're $10 a piece.

I give them to you for seven. I need the money. I want to go to New York and get my dick sucked up. Okay. What are you going to do? I'm going to pass on some good pills. Let's get it. Come on.

I don't pass on the pills. Give me the fucking 20. Come on. You never pass. Give me the fucking 20. Let's get the six pills. All right. Cut the shit.

And that's it, Lee. That's how quick it happens. You went out thinking you were going to have orange juice and a hamburger and watch the game. And you're going home jacked to the gills at five with a gram of blow in your pocket and six quails. That's what you want. And your dick's mysteriously wet.

But because I owe you $20, I gave you three of the quails to hold. You know what I'm saying? To hold? Because I don't want them either. I don't want them in my house. Oh man. George would be holding and didn't even know it. He didn't check the inside pocket.

So that was... You pawn off your drugs, essentially? No. Make some people carry it sometimes. Listen, not the coke. The coke always went home with pop. Okay. Don't get me wrong.

The package, there was no putting away. There was people that said, oh yeah, a gram lasts me a year. I do two lines and put it away. That's great. That's great. And once I stop, it ain't stopped. It's like M&Ms. It's like cigarettes.

It's like anything else you put in front of me. I think honestly, okay, for the people at home, okay. Coco is the head preach man over church. What's happening now? I've been a member of the church. I might have been the first member of the church. It was us. We started together.

Yeah. Okay. The last time I saw Coco do exactly what he... Because he's talking about the 80s, like he was a demon then. 10 years ago, Christmas... No, Thanksgiving, pardon me. Coco did a quarter ounce of mushrooms. He smoked nearly an ounce of my weed, drank beers all day long,

and then went down and did the comedy store and copped. Okay. And that was the last night of evil. Oh, and acid. Acid too. You had four heads of acid. Oh my God. What?

He ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms. I swear to God. It was purple. The comedy store was purple. All right. And then four heads of acid, smoked at least an ounce of my weed, drank all my fucking orange juice. Okay.

I had to call the canyons store twice to come up and bring more orange juice. Tell them about those sandwiches, Doug. Oh, dude. Are they still there? Yeah. Tell them about the sandwiches you used to buy. Okay. I get them to set up fucking chicken salad on toast.

Nice. Stop. With avocado? Yeah. Avocado and tomato. Jesus, Lee. Damn, Lee. That was fucking straight Jew food, but it was amazing.

Tell them about the time you went to that place. You took me to that place and there was ants in your sandwich and you set them back and she still gave you a bill for half the sandwich. Oh, yeah. Because she said that there was only ants on the one. Tell me. On one side. Where the fuck is your spot?

The place next to the lab factory. Oh my God. Yeah. Fuck yeah. You used to take me there every other fucking day. Yeah. Greenblats. Greenblats.

The fucking bitch charged me for having a sandwich because they had ants on it. Listen. I saw with my own eyes. Oh my God. He had an ant on his arm. And I go, Ralphie, why do you have ants? And he looked at the sandwich and he goes, what the fuck? He lifted the sandwich and it was like three ants.

Yeah. Also, he put the sandwich down. He called the waitress over. He killed like three ants. He goes, that wasn't that. She goes, which side was it? Which side was it? She fucking picked it up and came back with a half and then the bill and billed them for

the whole. It was the most ridiculous fucking thing. They must hire the dumbest fucking people too. I went there the time before that and I got a fucking salami and egg sandwich. That's a strong move. Okay. I had a good night. Boom.

I had a couple of pops. I'm stoned his bone. Boom. That's great. And they fucking fried up the salami and the goddamn, they left the plastic on the outside so it burned. It's all toxic. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Okay. Just send this back. Fuck it. I don't want to eat anything here. Then I got high with you and we fucking went back to that fucking place. Totally how careful you have to be in Los Angeles with the food. Oh my God. Nobody gives a shit.

He thinks I tease him. No. I would get pepperoni. The reason I haven't got pepperoni in a few months is because they would always leave the plastic on. I'd be eating it and plastic would come off with every bite. Oh my God. Where do you get pizza?

Grounds. No, no, no. I would make sandwiches. Oh my God. Really? And every bite would have the ring around it. So I'd have to tell them in like the third time it happened at different rounds. Whoa.

Let's get back to something. Wait, whoa, whoa. Yes. I make pepperoni sandwiches. No. I'm not mad at you with the pepperoni sandwiches. Strong move. As you're eating it, the string is still on it.

Yeah. You have to take that off, guys. I know. You have to take that off. I know. I think LA's problem is it's like an airport. When they cut it, they cut it this way, right? Yeah.

They slice it like that. So it's like a wrapper on it. Yeah. But not the fucking plastic. No, it was the plastic. It's the plastic. No, there's a difference between the wrapper of the casing. I'm used to that.

I'll eat the casing. We eat the casing. Okay. No, but it was like, you can't take casing and like around it. I've had pepperoni, trust me. I've had pepperoni before. There's no, there's not that. And I've told them, and when you tell them that, you can see a difference, but that's

why I can't go to the deli. I did something really weird today. What'd you do? What did you do? Oh my gosh. I left my cart at Ralph's. I got pissed off because they like, they didn't have what I wanted. And like the deli counter was full, like way full.

And I was looking down at my cart. Cold water? No. Magnolia. That's a busy fucking. Magnolia cross from the barbecue place. Barbecue place. The one with the DX, you know, has open mic.

It's right across. It's right past Lancashire. Oh, you go to that hell hole? Yeah. Yeah. Why do you go to that? It's right near everything I go to. No, that's the worst one.

Don't go to that one. That's why you get shitty cold cuts. They don't have a, they don't have good cold cuts there. They don't? No. No. Where do you go? To the Rouse up by fucking cold water and any other Rouse, but that one.

They don't have a slicer. They give it to you from the thing. No, no, no. They have a slicer. Yeah, but they give you the shit. They give you water. Yeah. Most of the time they do that.

No. They don't have the good cold cuts. You can't go there. No. You got to go to Vineland. Vineland. That's where I go. That's where I go.

Magnolia and Vineland. Yeah. Yeah. No. Make up your fucking mind. You said across the street from the barbecue place. Yeah. No, no.

That's not Vineland. No, no, no. Not that dump. That dump is a dump. Okay. That's a dump. That's why you know why that is. That's why I can't suck it.

You don't think I know, but I know, okay? I've been there. No, you can't go to that one. You got to go to the one by Ventura in Vineland. Underground parking, very nice. They got the bread that you could cook yourself at home. That is good. Yeah, dog.

What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? You go to the worst. You even picked the worst supermarket. No, there's a worst one. There's one on World Canyon in Victory where they don't have a deli counter. That one's scary. No, no, no. I went there once.

Listen, the scariest place you go to is, what's the one? Used to be John's. Oh, I live near that too? No. John's. Scary. All Russian-y. The one on Sunset.

By the Berk- Food for less? Food for less. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. I know. I wanted to go in there with fucking, like, get a bunch of newspapers. Like, I'm about to get shaked in the yard.

When we lived in Hollywood, my wife would go in there. I'd go in there if I go with you. Right. The parking was scary. Oh, yeah. Everything was scary. Oh, the funniest jokes about that place is Felipe. Felipe goes, food for less is the only place you go in there's drug dealers in the house.

Come here. Like, there's fucking, dude, there's a fucking nightmare. How are his spoons? I don't know. I'm missing. He just shot his CD in San Jose. Fucking so good. No, DVD in San, whatever, special.

You know, he's married. He's fucking funny, man. Felipe's a great guy. He's doing a great podcast with what's his name? I know. I got to get in on it. With my brother, Silent Bob, who we got to get in here. I have to do his podcast.

Oh, fuck yeah. What? Rodrigo Torres. Yeah, Rodrigo Torres. We have to do his podcast. I just been so busy the last two fucking months. So, you know, listen, we're still all here, Ralphie. I know.

I just had Willie with me. You know, Rogan's doing his thing, fucking. Man, Joe's doing it big, man. You know, Dan Cook is working. Fuck yeah. Duncan's working. Ari's working. We're still here.

You know, I guarantee that nobody penned us to be here. No way. Josh Wolfe was in Syracuse this week. He's working. You know, I mean, you sit here. I like Cues. Cues in the house. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Cues in the house. Oh, my God. You know, we sit there. We were the original Sunsetters. Yeah, man. Me, you, Wolfe, Dougie. Yeah.

Mitch Hedberg, Nick Capallo. Hello, man. That whole neighborhood was rocking. Dude, I just hung out with Dougie. He just came and stayed with me. And Andy Andrews and fucking Junior Stopka. All right. They all came and hung out at my house.

It was fucking hilarious. Those motherfuckers. Oh, my God. Okay. If anybody out there is in entertainment, put a camera on those motherfuckers. They're all degenerates. They're all fucking weird. And they're extremely goddamn funny.

And they brought over this, these, these singers bird cloud, which are fucking hilarious. A Google washing my big old pussy. Okay. Yeah. That's a real song. And they, they passed one of them passed out on my couch. And my dog biscuits went up and face fucked her. Like, something's wrong with your lipstick.

He had his little pinky tab. He's awesome. You know, this is what I think you were there when I was talking about it. This is what baffles me. Okay. It baffles me. You know, when you go on the road, when do you watch TV? When you're on the road?

Yeah. When you come back from your two sides and you're sitting there, you look to go box, you know, and you put the fucking ESPN on and you're going through channels. And there's the, there's the usual. You have a movie on TNT. You've got something on USA. You know, you've got FX has to strand on or something. And then basically you have the three networks.

You have the pay networks, HBO, showtime, whatever. Then you have a bunch of ESPN. You have more ESPN channels than ever and more Fox sports than ever. And you're going through these things. And if there's, and at that time from 12, 11, 30 to fucking two, if these talk about it's these talk shows that these sports shows have put on. And you look at this, you watch them and then you try to, you watch them, you look at, you listen to the topic, you look at the two people doing it.

Then you step beside yourself and you go, I'm not even talking about myself or Ralphie May or Jane Moore who knows about sports, who's got a little sports show. Why don't they have more? We could do this. Yeah. Stephen's is where you were there when we were talking about Brody. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Who's killing it on now? All this internet shit we're doing to my world is basically the developmental deals they would give you 20 years ago. They don't have to pay for them no more. All they have to do is sit tight and go, this guy's movement with Ralphie May over here. Boom. Give him some money. Let's see what we can take this now.

He's doing fucking Periscope. You know, he's the king of the internet as far as I'm concerned. Oh yeah. I can prove it. Brody's still got that funny though. It's not even about the funny, it's the shit he's doing on there. So you need to tell me you're not at home right now and your phone rings and goes, Ralphie May, you know I would never bother you at night, sir.

This is Joey D. How you doing? Joey, what's going on? Listen, I don't mean to bother you. This is a kid fucking Brody Stevens. Do you have Periscope? I've been aware of it. My daughter watches it. She watches the cooking show on there.

You should watch this Brody Stevens. What it cost you to put them on FX 92? Yeah. A new outbound channel that's for fucking millennials and crazy people. Oh yeah. That's what you call it, okay? Brody be great. An hour with Brody Stevens.

Coffee with Brody from 7 to 8. Yeah. Think about it. How bad can it be? Listen, there's podcasts. I know this for a fact and you know this too. They're doing better numbers than most TV shows. Fuck yeah.

Yeah. Oh my God. And I think what you always ask me what I've learned. I think what I've seen and everyone on this like sports radio, sports podcast, news podcast, not yet, they're getting there. A little bit. But they're not, the thing they don't have is personality and entertainment. And I think the big people like ESPN and Fox Sports don't really want that.

They want it to a degree, but not really. Because comedians. Oh my God. Comedians have taken over podcasts. It's not even close. It's not even, and some of them are bad. There are a lot of bad ones, but the good ones, the good ones are good. That's why that's why Jay Moore is good because he's, he's a comedian, he's entertaining.

And there's people on those sports talk shows that you're talking about that are just awful and they have, they have the ESPN voice, which is annoying to listen to. So it's like, it's like almost like the athletes when, when they have those athlete interviews and they're like, Oh, we're just onto the next team, whatever. They're not really saying anything. What would it cost to put Lee with two, with Alonzo Bowden? Okay. Deadly.

What would it cost the ESPN, what would it cost ESPN to put Lee Alonzo Bowden? Give me some Bob. Jason Tebow. Tebow. You could have Ian Edwards for soccer. Like there's, there's a lot of comedians who have, it's just mind boggling. It's incredible. It's just a waste of talent.

I'm not talking about Joey. I'm not talking about, I'm not talking about my friends. I'm talking about, I'm watching something that's unfucking watchable. There was one day on that with Derek Rose and the white guy. Yeah. Oh my God. The white guy is terrible. Derek Rose.

I thought he was hanging out with Doc Gooden. You know, he's fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. Something happened to him. And I love all that shit at night. I watch that shit and cheer for it. There's one show with three black guy.

One of them had dreads. Unwatchable. Unwatchable. You know what? They don't have nothing for Tony Hinchcliff. They don't have nothing for the Smash Brothers. Put the Smash Brothers on to do a show with a video show behind them with a video camera two in the morning.

This is the shit I want to see. This is why these channels are starting to open up. What? Somebody's going to go, you know what? What's it cost me to start a streaming fucking thing? Yeah. Put three fucking shows on it. I can stream them on YouTube.

Brody Stevens 24-7. You wake up with Brody and you go, it's from 7 to 8 with Brody in the morning. Mm-hmm. And then like 12 to 1. The last two stops of the night for Brody. The comedy is still a main room or the original room and where he goes to eat and who he talks He's deadly. He's deadly.

He's deadly. Because he knows so many fucking people, man. I mean, I don't think people really understand. I was at Fox and Tom Brady walked up to Brody Stevens and was like, hey Brody, how are you? And that's fucking Tom Brady, man. Okay. And he was like, oh my God. And Brody was like, I'm doing good, man.

You know, feeling good, doing good. Positive. Positive. He didn't say positive. He said he did. It just kills you. I saw it. I don't see it.

And I'm not even, I'm not even sitting there like. I'm not even close to Brody. But he's fucking funny, man. I wouldn't be like one of those guys that would go, oh, look at this guy. I could do away. But no, no, no. Listen, I'm old. I'm talking about Brody Stevens and what he does on Periscope.

So funny. What he does on Periscope, it just, you know, and this is what kills me sometimes. You don't want to be that guy. He's like 5,000 people watching this. Fucking. The mornings he lives, waits. He goes to baseball games. He plays the drums for no reason.

He's in the middle of traffic, just fucking, just beating the shit out of his steering wheel. Exactly. Listen, I get on there and smoke dope. I'm just a fat fuck in the morning, talking shit behind a bush. You know what I'm saying? I don't have the balls yet. Where's the cats? I don't have a ball.

I can't smoke in the house. If I could smoke in the house, I'd have the cats in there every day. I'd have pure fucking entertainment every day. But I can't fuck with the cats. I know. I know. You believe in Jesus. You can't do that to your babies.

No, I can't. I can't fuck with the cats and get high in front of them and shit. Oh my God. That cocaine thing with Finney, he never came back. He lost that fang and shit. Once you lose a fang, you're like, shit, this shit's real, Jack. Hey, this is hilarious. I remember, I mean, I was reading Doug Stanhope's new book, okay?

And I remember all the crazy shit we did around fucking Hollywood. I mean, everything from Doug, there was this guy, Blackjack, something, okay? That Doug would just be annoyed by, like so fucking annoyed. And I'd be over there and we'd be playing Scrabble or something or just fucking, you know, just being, you know? I'd bring over coffee. We'd fucking go over jokes and shit. And Blackjack would just show up because he knew where Doug was and Doug had his door,

you know, the screen door open on the Curson apartment. And every time he'd come in, Doug would just nonchalantly slide a videotape of outdoor anal fucking gang bang. Okay, this girl had two dicks, okay? All right, all these cums and shit in there. Oh my God, horrible. It's like a blizzard. You can turn it upside down, Lee.

And while mouth was a gape, okay? All right? Just gurgling cums is disgusting. All right? A fucking fly came in, all right? And that fly was there on the inside of her asshole when the next dick came in. And you can see it going in and out with the fly in the puddle of cums on the end of that guy's dick.

All right? Just be drinking our coffee and Doug can tell me whatever you do. Don't look over there. Don't look nothing. All right? I don't care what he asked you. Now, when did you get here? When did you get here?

Exactly. 98. Okay, so I got here. I get here January 29th of 1997. Coco. Okay. I'm here a year before you. That's what you're telling me.

A year. A year. But bro, okay, you got to understand. All right? We were all disciples of Stan. We were all disciples. All disciples of Stan. Everybody who's really been on the road fucking knows Doug Stanhope is fucking the best rocker

today. So when I get here, he's a big shot. Yeah. He's got a guy from Vegas living with him. That's a part-time bodyguard. That's a dunce. He only does it part-time? Like he's just a retard.

That's a guy. He wasn't even a bodyguard. That's a big fat guy, right? Yeah. Yeah. He died. Got arrested. So he was a dunce though.

You know, he was a fucking dumb dumb. He was like, Doug's gonna make it big and I'm gonna be his bodyguard. He had a big jacket on like Belushi. So I get here with the broad. I'm living with this girl and the trailer began to an argument. She throws me out. I'm living with Doug in the bunk bed. No.

I'm living on the couch or somewhere. I don't know what a fucking... Yeah. Doug's dating the redhead. Oh yeah. From fucking... The TV show. God damn it.

What was that show? Head of the Class. Head of the Class. God damn, she was hot. With the girl, with Tyson's wife. Yeah. Yeah. She was fucking hot though.

You gotta give it to her. That fucking redhead was a hot piece of ass. All right. And Dougie, Dougie was in deep into that. Okay. He was like all in. So he used to hang out at Coaching Horses. Oh, all the time.

I was never a big... I could count on my hands how many times I went to Coaching Horses. Coaching Horses was one of those bars, ladies and gentlemen, that was just real. And you felt the pain in there. And I had been in bars like that growing up where there's bars. And then there's bars where if you're going that tour in the afternoon, there's people and there was no light in there. None.

And there were some people who were in there. That were vampires. But there were some people who were in there because they thought they thought they were cool. Oh yeah. And that was not the place to be if you thought you were cool. They'd suck you in and spit you the fuck out there. Because I did a ton of blow on that bathroom.

Every time I was in there, it was because I was joling out of my fucking mind. Dougie was the fucking best. He knew I didn't have a pot to piss in. And he was like, hey man, I can talk to you. All right, you're a fucking comic. Let's go over to Coaching Horses. All right. And we just go walk over to the Coaching Horses.

And it was a Bud Light and a Middle Light for Douglas. And just have a beer. And it was, I remember one night we were at the Coaching Horses. And this guy beside us was talking all this shit about faggots. We've got to kill all the faggots. God damn fucking mother, but fucking faggots. All right. And Doug goes, fuck yeah.

And Doug's amping him up. And getting him with him like this. And then Doug fucking grabs my head and makes out with me. At the fucking bar. All right. And this guy's, oh my God, what the fuck. All right. And Doug goes, ha.

Another beer. And a shot. That was a shot. That was a fucking- That was a complete- It was weird maniacs. Complete different times. I remember one night-

Nobody's like that now. I walked in there and got so gacked up that I walked right back to Josh Wolce. That's when I had the car, but the battery was dead. So I would just go in the car and put the seat back and lay in there. And hopefully after 10 minutes I put the blanket over me and jerk off. And then put the seat back and open the windows because I'd be sweating at death. All I knew was a suicide note. I'd die in that fucking tank.

Oh my God. Is that how you had so many tickets because you couldn't move it? There was sometimes that the car would start and sometimes towards the end it was a mystery car. I had to remind, I was just, I gotta tell you about this because it's so fucking funny. Because we were on the road with Douglas, okay? And I remember we were sleeping in his- In his Ozoneville Cutlass, okay? And we fucking rigged booze and he was doing the porno fucking closer with the beer all over him.

So he just smelled like fucking stale beer, cigarettes, alright? And it's in Houston in like April. And so when that fucking sun comes up, it's 110, okay? That's when we both fucking woke up out of our fucking stupor, sweating like pigs. And Douglas, uh, Ralphie, can I, uh, can I just butt fuck your titty or something like that? Alright? It's really wet. Get out of here, you fucking creep.

But that's how it was- He was just fucking bananas. He was crazy. He was bananas. He really, really was crazy. He banged pokey. That's amazing. Okay?

That's deadly. You know, seeing him opened up my mind. Like seeing dice on tape, that New Year's got me on stage. But at night in, uh, June of 96, I saw, I saw Doug's down. Now, and I've said this before, excuse me, I was a host at the broker and the first time Doug came and he stayed with me. I had just gotten separated and Doug stayed with me. I was the house emcee. This is 92.

Wow. Then he came back. I didn't even know him then. Yeah. Then he came back six months later and he had the evening at the improv. Yeah. He stayed with me again and we kept in touch for a while. Then we disappeared out of each other's radar.

And then I get to Seattle and people are talking about this fucking Doug Stan. Hope he won San Francisco. Right. He's the funniest kind of country right now. And I'm like, this is a little guy with hair and he's crazy. And by the way, this guy stayed with me. Hold on, man. You got to give him his dues because the guy who came in second place when Doug, you won the San Francisco comedy competition was Dane Cook.

Okay. And Dane was a motherfucker on stage. You think he's something now? Holy fuck. That kid lit it up. And I mean, every time standing else, I've seen Mencia get him like that. I've seen Chappelle get him like that. Sam Kinnison get him like that.

But fucking, I'm telling you, man, a kid's deadly. Okay. Dane Cook and Doug, he's still beating. And it was murderous. It was something that Lee, it was completely different than what was going on at that time. Like at that time, comedy for me was MTV and it was on every channel. The VH1 had comedy on Sundays. MTV had two different comedy shows.

Evening at the improv was out. The three shows would put comics on it. This was before Jimmy Kimmel when you just had Letterman and Carson, you know, all that stuff. So you had all this comedy. And then the first two times I saw Stan Lee. He was just a mid-local or racy type comic. I thought he was funny, but they were funnier guys. That time I saw him in June of 96, it threw me fucking off.

Threw me off that I couldn't even, I didn't go back on stage for two or three fucking days. Like it made me think about, do I want to keep doing comedy? Fuck yeah. Or do I want to get a day job because I don't know if I can be that good. That being that good is something completely fucking different. Dude, I had that feeling when I saw Hicks for the first time. When I worked with Kinnison and when I worked with Dougie and when I worked with Mitch. I got the same thing.

Like what the fuck am I even doing? Yeah. Like what are you doing? That's when you know you're like, what is that? He's that good. Yeah. Do you think it's like work or do you think some people just are born with a certain level? I think there's both.

I think there's Dougie was seasoned. He had a certain thing in his personality that gave humanity to an act that I hadn't seen before. Pryor was great. Carlin was great. You know, at that time who were Nick Topolo I knew from Young Comic Specials and Judd Appletoe. Bill Hicks. Bill Hicks I didn't really know. Let me just think.

Let me just think before I answer that real quick. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Please. Yeah. By 1960 I loved Hicks and Kinnison and Hicks. Hicks was great for me.

But when I listened to his stuff. It was a little preachy. It was a little preachy towards the end. Yeah. And that's when there was one particular tape when, anyway, it doesn't really matter. Once I saw Stan Hope it took me three days to realize what my next move was. Three or two days to decide whether I'm going to get a day job or I got to go for this and work harder. But I got to be that guy.

I got to be that loose. I got to be that free. You got to be that dangerous. You have to be that, you know, out there. If not, you're going to be like the rest of the fucking do-its. That's why when he came here, he was getting banned from the Improv. The time he went to the festival and he had burned victim and he told the guy, the guy that moved for some shit. You know, he fucked the chicken Bill Maher's bed and he had a right in the apology.

It was non-stop. They had never met anything like him at that time. He just walked into the Improv. And the Improv, you know, they're not the comedy store. They're not gangsters. No. They're writers and they, you know, oh my God. They're witty.

Yeah, they're witty and shit. He walked in there and changed it. Back in the day. There were rumors that he was walking people on Sunday nights like walking the Improv and shit already. That's what, you know, he fucking created and he made it on his fucking terms. He went to war with 20,000 club owners, 20,000 of them on his terms. Yeah. He got his balls shaved on stage.

What? Oh my God. The chick never recovered. The chick who shaved his balls, she ended up getting raped at the magician castle. What the fuck? What are you talking about? Just, she lost it just from... When I was laughing about her getting raped.

No, no. If you know this girl, it's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. That was like the 30th one, right? I don't know what happened. I don't get involved. I just know something was not right there. Yes.

Everybody who shaved his balls that night was the kisser that somebody got into a car accident. Oh my God. And he hasn't stopped. Whenever I go on the road with you, you know it's not always like this for comedians. Sometimes they stay in bad hotels. They stay in bad hotels every night and they actually sell stolen hotel bibles for merch. Who does that? Doug Canhope.

He signs them. He went to a baroscope one day and he was like taking... He signs them. And when he runs out of merch, he sells the hotel bibles. And they love him, man. He's the real deal, man. He's the real deal, man. And you gotta...

You really have to appreciate that. Especially when you're here and you see all this bullshit. You see people pull up with the nice car and the ripped jeans and they got the agent with them and the whole thing. Doug Canhope has a fucking manager that two weeks ago was an assistant manager at a Burger King. And he just met him. No, he's good to... What's his name? Taylor.

Is he... No, no, I don't know which one is that. You never know with Doug. The one time the guy had rolling papers and beers. He just met him. No, no, this is a different dude. He's professional. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. It cracks me up. This guy's actually got Doug fucking organized and fucking handled. It's incredible. The guy is great. He busts his ass. Mealy, when he came in, he got Doug all settled in and fucking found out the ticket counts exactly.

Fucking went dead merge, checked in four hours before, came back, made sure Doug was all right, had his suit pressed for him, ready to fucking rock and roll. It was a fucking... That's how a tour manager should be. That guy's in good hands. He doesn't let him... He doesn't drink if you gotta go anywhere. He doesn't drink.

He always makes sure food's fucking awesome. Everything's safe. It's a fucking... He's the cleaner. He's the fucking wolf of the Doug fucking circus. This guy's wrangling up. I thought he had one. He used to leave bitches in his wake and women booing.

He used to... Okay. And boom, he just popped up like once every three weeks or some shit. He disrupted a lot, a lot of comedians. He disrupted their thinking. Even at the comedy store where that shit is born. He disrupted a lot of lineups and they'd put him on. She'd put him on at 8.45.

Are you fucking kidding me? Because he looked like a nice guy. He looked like a nice guy. That's what made it so dead. She forgot. He would destroy at 8.45. I mean, destroy so deep that it would ruin the show. He'd destroy it.

People would walk out. It hasn't ruined the show. It's just... Then it's over. It's over. Even the comedians know it's over. Once the comedians... You know, the comedians are back there going,

how could Doug Standhope be going up at 8.45 at fucking night? Yeah, it was deadly. I lived with him and it was great. I gotta be honest with you. I used to get up early. He slept late so I'd get up and leave. He had an extra car for the comedians. Yeah.

That you had to put gas in it because the gas meter was broken. So you never knew where you stayed. So as soon as you got in the car... And you know that was a total scam, right? Was it? Yeah, total scam. That's the only way you can get comedians to put gas in a car. That's amazing.

Yeah, man. So what did he do with it? Was the needle busted or not? No. The fucking needle worked perfectly. Okay, he just told everybody to put in extra gas in it. No, it was honest. It was broken.

That motherfucker was on E. Dude, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Okay, it was a total scam. No, no. I ran out of gas and that fucking thing one time and shit. Well, that's on you.

No, don't. You should have put gas in it. That motherfucker was on E's disco. I go in there. I put $10, but it's one of those Buick's that you go to Santa Monica and back. It was the same. It was the Osmobile Supreme. Yeah, the Osmobile Supreme.

Fuck yeah. No, that thing was busted, Jack. Fucking beat the shit. I put like $30 in that motherfucker one time and it didn't move, Jack. That thing stayed on E like a man. That car was at like fucking, when he got rid of, I think he was like at 400 something thousand miles on that car. That's fucking incredible.

Yeah, like I think I even slept in it one night. Dude. One night he locked me out. I slept in that motherfucker. That's how tough that car was. I slept in it many a times. Oh my God. Doing CW Kindle gigs.

It was. And Shirley Bynum, she had some good gigs. Ralphie Hall of the fuck. That was just terrible. Mari Schilling. I was walking the house at night. You'd have the fucking bloody Marys. Oh yeah.

With fuck nut and somebody else. I'd have like $32 worth of cocaine in my pocket. Yeah. We'd drink fuck, smoke fucking weed. Yeah. I never did blow. No, Jesus. I got many risk factors.

No, no, no. That was a long fucking time I got down. Yeah. That was a long time. That was a long fucking time. That was a good building, man. Every time I drive. It was rocking, man.

I don't even go in it. I don't do nothing. Every time I drive by it, my heart stops. I always want to take lead. I'll compadre and I go, you know what, man? I'm not ready for that yet. Yeah, right. I'm gonna go back in there.

They got a good tamale on a Monday night and shit. You know what I'm saying? But I took leads to Joe's Pizza. He likes that better. Oh yeah, that's good pizza. Yeah, I don't think I've been a Joe's. It's just really weird when you compare what our life was. The game is so much different than what it was.

What our life was in 2000 compared to what it was now. You were already at the lab factory. Yeah. You were already making it happen. I mean, you know, I was over at the store, slumming spots. She was giving me spots. That was my only bright hope. Yeah.

But I was there, you know, that fucking building, Ricky Cruz, Gavin, you. Working with him in December. Yeah, yeah. Me. Oh my God. There were so many people that had that saline thing. Yeah. The other one, Gentry, you know, you just found the fucking cubby at night to sleep.

Yeah. Thank God that was the way it was. I had the food time for you, bud. That's what, until I busted it. Didn't I bust that food time? I busted something. No, I think I busted it, man. I busted something.

I think you re-busted it. Jesus Christ. But at least she didn't, you know, push a turd down my bathroom. Okay. That was always for Gavin. I appreciate that. I still remember being out there. I was telling Lee that I'm out there.

I was telling Lee that ever since I've been a kid, I still remember a fucking story. A horrible thing I did when I was a kid. I loved matches. When I was a young kid, when I was about five or five and a half or six, I became a fucking a match kid. I went through all of these phases because I didn't have a dad. You know, I was a little confused. I would lock myself in my room and I would take my mother's 45s, you know, from the bar.

They always give you back the little things. Yeah. The singles. The singles. There'd be kids playing out there and I'd whiz the things out of them and shit, catch them in the head and stuff. So when that got boring, I said, let me try this. I tried lighting them on fire and they wouldn't burn, like they wouldn't burn.

So I put like glue on it or something and they would burn a little bit like throwing links. They were like, what the fuck? I was like, I told some Indian shit that motherfucker's done. I was crazy. So when I was about six, I lived at 205 West 88th Street. And if you even go to West 205, 88th Street and I parked the car and go to the end of the building, not on the Amsterdam side, but going towards Broadway, it's a parking

structure. When we were kids, that wasn't a parking structure. That was a garage that was closed down on the wall. There was a sign that said no parking and that was the basketball thing. You had to hit that with the ball to score. But if you went deep down into that, it was just nooks and crannies and paperwork. From time to time, a rat would come out of there and we beat him up with a stick. It was just a parking.

It was just a parking. What the fuck? Oh, this is crazy. Wow, man. It was just a parking spot, a huge parking spot that was empty, but you could get to behind the other building. Go ahead, Lee. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. Keep going. You could get to behind the other building. And in those days, I would get like fucking all that paper from back there by myself. I can't believe I'm saying this shit now because I've never even talked about this shit. I would get all that paper and I would stuff it in that. You know, like when you walk down people's stairs and I would light fucking fires. I had to be six or seven.

I was a little fucking pyro. And I kept doing it and people kept fucking like, you know, it was Joey Diaz. Even then, people kept saying like, what the fuck is going on? Who keeps lighting these fires? And they couldn't put together that whenever I got there, that's when the fire would start. Like somebody would go, you smell smoke? And then I would go, yeah, it's behind back there. And then people would go back there and go, holy shit, there's a fire.

And I kept doing this shit. I would do it in different spots on 88th Street, 89th Street. That was fucking crazy, Ralphie man. What do you like about it? Do you remember? Just, just, uh... Cause I just, I look some stuff on fire too. Say, yeah, yeah, I just liked that.

I think a lot of kids go through that. I just went through this phase where I just lightened shit on fucking fire. And I would buy cigarettes. I would get cigarettes. That was a smart way. And I would just, I wouldn't smoke it. I would just light it, light it, light it. And I would breathe on it or something.

And I would try to keep it alive. And I would fucking burn little things in newspaper and fan it. I was just crazy. But one time I burnt one of those stoops, bro. And there was something going on. That fucking stoop went up in the fire department. And I stayed in for about a week. Cause they said they had witnesses and shit.

They saw the kid running away. I took that jacket. I hid it under my fucking bed. That's what stopped me from lighting those fires anymore. But I lit more fires as I got older. I used to light the woods on fire in Jersey. Oh yeah, we were crazy. Once that shit got on popular, I was the king of that shit.

I loved all that shit. Just got a bunch of sticks lighting fires and sitting there. I wouldn't light fires like the California people. Not in these woods. This is woods in Jersey. Those woods have been getting burnt for years. They don't want to shut off. They shut off automatically.

You know what I'm saying? Those are Jersey woods. They just shut off. No firemen need to show up and shit. It's not a union fire. No, it's really crazy that... But it just went away. It was just a phase I was going through. I was smoking and I'd flick the fucking ashes.

The joints and shit. Always at me at least once. And Lee would always look and go, when these days you're going to light that tree on fire. And I told him the story about living in Gavin's. Gavin's at work. I'm on the phone. I'm arguing with this guy.

Trying to get booked in this city. Trying to get booked in that city. And you know, sometimes you get somebody on the phone and you're on the road. You know, when you're smoking a cigarette, you're smoking a joint. And it all enhances you. You're on the road. You're smoking, you're smoking. Also, I'm smoking a cigarette. There's the back alley of 1440.

Okay, the hat. Okay. I love this one. I was across the hall. But this is no. This is yes. This is across the hall. Okay, so the windows open.

I'm smoking cigarettes like a motherfucker. I'm smoking cigarettes. I'm smoking cigarettes with cigarettes. You know me though. It's 930 in the morning. I'm on the third joint. I'm on a pack of cigarettes and shit. Camel lights.

And I'm throwing these cigarettes out the window, half lit on fire. Right. And all of a sudden you hear. Ah. No, I did not know there was anybody out there. I hear. Ah. I go, what the fuck?

I hear this. Who the fuck lit me on fire? And I'm sitting there going, who lights a man on fire? And I go, I did. And I look out the window and there's the guy fucking smoking his shirt. His clothes are smoking. The poor fucking guy. I go home.

The cops don't come. Nobody knows nothing. I'm at El Compagio that night getting a package. It's about 10 o'clock at night. I walk back and there's the same homeless guy drinking on and you can see them. They're the cigarette birthing. It's just caught on fire and went.

You said I bumped my fucking. I was right across the hall. And the fire department did come by. Oh my God. I don't know. I don't know nothing. The fucking bum. Probably somebody just driving through that fucking alley.

Flaked it on him. Fuck him. Get that dirty bum out of our house. Guys, I feel bad. A little bit. Once I saw the blanket, I felt a little bad. One time. Did you ever have a new blanket at least?

No. I'm lucky I had a blanket myself. I was snorting my blanket. I was about to snort my blanket. I had a choice. A, a blanket. You were on my futon a lot. It was good. I had a blanket that I can't believe you just brought up a blanket.

Okay, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. In 1983. It was maroon on one side and tan on the inside. The one I had? The brown one. Okay, let me tell you something about that brown fucking line.

Okay. Let me tell you something interesting about that brown line. Three times a week. I got that brown line. That brown line. I got that brown line. At a Kmart. It was May of 1984.

That's it. It took me five years, but I did it. I got my own apartment. And I got an apartment on 48th Street. 46th Street in North Bergen. 44th Street. I got a one bedroom studio on the first floor.

When I didn't pay rent, I could sneak into the front window. It was perfect. I was there for about four months, five months, and they evicted me. But right before I moved in there, I wanted to go straight. It was in 1995. I mean, it was no, no, 999. It was the cheapest fucking 999.

I washed that blank. I got evicted from that place. I was homeless. I went to California. I came back. I caused wars that summer. I went to Miami, came back the whole time. That blanket was at the bottom of my travel bag.

I had an army bag. It was at the bottom. Some places I went, they had a blanket. I didn't use it. I always had a blanket. Like a biker, you ever see a biker? Yeah, man, they always got a blanket. I had that fucking blanket. I had that blanket when I was living

in the fucking rocket ship. I would take it back to the runnies and put it in a little corner and leave it in there in that night, go take the fucking blanket. When I moved into the hotel in 84, when I was homeless and I got into the hotel, and when I beat Joel for the 1500,

I had that blanket. I took that blanket with me. That blanket was with me from the desolate tide of my life in that rocket ship to 1999 when that fucking car got towed. That car, that blanket

was even with me when I went to prison. I left it in that room and nobody fucking touched that blanket. That blanket was 1995 in 1984. And I had that blanket for what? 15 fucking years.

And that blanket was one of the warmest blankets I ever had. It was a bear. Okay, and on the inside, it was the bear with brown and yellow and on the outside, it was the bear with yellow and brown. You follow me? And then the outside of it was fucking brown.

So for 1995, that fucking came on, I bought a blanket that went through fucking hell with me and back, Jack. A marriage, a divorce. When we were married, she wanted to throw it away. I go, don't fucking ever throw that fucking thing away.

That thing was in Miami. I slept behind the fucking McDonald's with that thing. What? Because in those days, I would just take the fucking clothes out of the army bag, take the fucking blanket out, put the clothes back in, use that as a pillow and put that blanket on top.

That was an all-purpose army bag I had. I had a little bit of water. I had a razor blade for blow. I had a fucking lynching there. I had to break a window for a car. Oh, no, no, Lee, that fucking blanket was there with me and that blanket, I would just wash it.

All that blanket wanted was my love and I lost it when that fucking car got towed in Van Nuys. It was in the trunk of that fucking blanket. That blanket was on the road with me all those years on triple runs. Whenever I got a hotel room, that blanket came into the hotel room.

I threw the blanket off and I used that fucking blanket. Have you looked for it online? The same blanket? Yeah. It wouldn't be the same, Lee. Why would I want the same blanket? It wouldn't be the same. That blanket was with me through fucking wars. When I lost that car,

that was the hardest thing about that tow. When I got that car got towed, I thought it was cute. Is that the car that I got my car towed to get all your shit out? No. It wasn't that time. No, no, no, no, no. This was a car that Anne Mayne gave Josh Wolf.

Yeah, yeah. I got you. No, I never got my shit out of it. It was nice. I got my car towed to get all your shit out because they wouldn't let you in the lot. Yeah, but they wouldn't let me in the car. It was fucking crazy. All I could get was the back seat and some of the front. Yeah, no, no, it was nothing. It was packed.

Headshot, boxing gloves, blankets, fucking pictures when I was a kid. That fucking car they took and sometimes sometimes, you know. So this day, I was just thinking of that blanket yesterday. Going Jesus Christ. How long did I have that

goddamn blanket for? I wish that that blanket, fuck. I would have taken it to the next attorney with me. That's how that's what that was. Let me tell you how deep that blanket went. In 1985 in February 1985 I left that blanket one then I go to

the bathroom with that blanket. There were crabs on that blanket. I had crabs and gave it to the blanket. You understand me? Who the fuck gives crabs to that blanket? I did. Where's Tony Bennett? You give crabs to your blanket? When somebody

breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I For somebody who will swear to be

At the 400 episode, this song all fucking hits me the same way when I was fucking six years old for one minute I go Jesus Christ I didn't do my shit today My mom would always clean the bar always clean the bar and always put this song on

like when she went into the bar in the morning she'd open up the bar to get air in there she'd open up the back door she'd plug the fucking jukebox in she'd put ice in the fucking thing and then she'd start playing this song and she'd bucket clean the whole place hot water, soap

old school, soap everywhere steaming off the floor fucking sweep it out and this was after the cleaners came at three in the morning you know what I'm saying? That's how fucking deep it was she always played the song the song was always on

this was the first jam to go so I'd walk in there and go why'd she play this fucking song all the time? why'd you play this fucking song? your dad gave me the song shut the fuck up, what are you talking about? so I always play the song I'm one days out of respect

sometimes you gotta have respect and your fucking life is something oh well I'm an atheist, alright when you're sucking dick in purgatory you gotta lie to the camera, you gotta do sub you know what I'm saying? Next thing you know you're sucking dick in how? with fucking deniro

with deniro and fucking angel heart staring at dad, what the fuck is this shit? someone posted that scene today from casino where the guy was going to I forget the actor's name was saying like, I want my money back and he was like, you can't have your money back

and they were like, let me just tell you what I do that whole scene it killed, it was amazing you like that, huh? the guy who played deniro's attorney representing him in Vegas

was played by the actual attorney that went on to be the mayor of Las Vegas and he was apparently shady as hell, I mean you'd have to wonder he'd sue if it was a gross, you know I don't know, it was pretty incredible

a little shady, a mob lawyer I love it that's real I don't know, maybe I watched the DVD X just too much well, I'm in town doing a benefit tomorrow

actually two of them, doing that Wounded Warriors one at the comedy store early and then my show at 10 o'clock on Tuesday is called Rockin' the Rest and 100%

all the comedians are donating their time and we got Dan Cook we've got Margaret Cho we've got Gerard Carmichael myself a real actual native comedian and

all the money goes to pay for propane in North Dakota in these reservations where they're allowed to freeze basically, every year people see their kids die see their old people die Indians, they keep their old people with them

white folks ship them away put them in a box feed them them heavy pills until they fucking die that's what happens but Indians keep them close and this is keeping people warm who really need it

and so I'm happy to donate my time and I think it's gonna be a fucking great show and then where you at this weekend oh this weekend I'm at Oxnard I'm at the New Levity Live in the mall apparently I don't know, I've never been there

I bet it is man they don't really fuck around dude those guys, they kinda get their shit together you know they're always phenomenal vineyards and then when they make everyone is like let me top the last one

okay, like Irvine was fucking amazing when they redid it okay, got umami burger in there that's a fucking deadly cheeseburger jack alright, and then boom, this one is the fourth one in Southern California

and it's the newest one they had to do something bigger and better than Irvine you know they got to step up so they got another copper blues in there which is fucking like 100 beers on tap and fucking like 300 you know Bobby Slater sells more tickets

than the Colorado blue no, but it's great it's fun they do 16 people before the show starts the bartender sits in there like he's got the hip nobody wants to talk to him for 3 hours after the show they look at him like when will they go in there for, they fucking leave

I'm telling you the truth you look at me all fucked up I hate those copper kettles they always got a cover band I like a cover band no, not when I'm on stage and I got to hear Black Dog by some fucking dude singing Black Dog and shit

and I'm on the other side there's too many things on the fucking menu it's too big for Uncle Joe, I like simplicity anyway, I'll be at Oxnard 28th of December I'll be there blocking the mic and shit the fucking Wednesday after Christmas you know I don't fuck around

it's good for you, you get to be in town you got to stay in town during the home they shoot the planes down these people are going to start taking planes down what do you call those things a fucking 50 cal, Barrett it'll take down an airplane a drone

oh yeah, drones are going to be knocking shit out of this guy as the planes are landing they're going to take him out of the airport why are you giving people anxiety now I'm not giving no man who flies more than me and fucking Ralph and May not you, what are you getting anxiety for all you gotta do is be on the floor

I don't think they're going to do that though I think they're fucking honestly, I think they're going to attack a comedy club I really do and then like, you know, blasphemous assholes like us Joe Rogan, somebody's going to get shot

one of us is going to get shot on stage I'm calling her shot it's going to be horrific I hope it's me because at least I can take forty two nine millimeter rounds to the torso without fucking stopping I'll get over there to fucking Johnny

blow up and fucking gut him with a Budweiser bottle I'm a hero you're so funny that's what we need is a broken meeting on stage and shit poor people in a comedy show club it's going to happen

God forbid I don't want this to happen in a band every year I don't want this to happen with kids in an audience watching a band I fucking watch all these I watched this shit a couple weeks ago in New York City in Central Park

and I'm like how much secure like if I go to a place to have a good time and I see ten machine guns you know I was telling somebody tonight I was supposed to be in New York for CISO I had a bunch of meetings tomorrow I had one today and I couldn't do it

but I was kind of relieved I couldn't do it I can't lie to anybody last time I went to New York to do Gotham I had a great time I saw my family I saw my friends I put flowers on my mother's grave but I gotta tell you something maybe it's my age maybe it's what I've become

I'm kind of a pussy to all that stuff I haven't grown up yet to be used to going to a stadium you know what's Alex Jones crazy man you know he said something when I saw him at the UFC five years ago he said that in ten years there's gonna be TSA

at parks and malls and all this shit you know and I can't see it not happening especially if people are gonna get shot at a fucking comedy club are they armed people now at movie theaters in a lot of states in Tennessee I'm sure there are

when I was working at them they had guards like hired security or cops during the weekends when you were in a movie theater it was when that kid shot the kid in fucking Denver it was a sort of a yes it was so horrible you know so when I'm trying to say there's a bunch of realities involved here

with life and every time I sit in a fucking plane every time I sit on a fucking plane right when I put my luggage up on the top and I sit down I put my seatbelt down what what what what would stop right now some guy just running up with a grenade well you know you have to

think that way for two minutes so you're prepared yeah I would always want to how Joey how can you prepare by covering my eyeballs anything is better than just surprise cocksucker I know people like to shit on the TSA maybe I have a weird

thing not me my kids fly I got felt both ways this way and back I had to stand at it like a different an angle and they had to wonder things about my legs it was terrible but I had them both times you get a boner

no listen man TSA makes me relax for seven or eight minutes okay but the reality is that it's like this oh it's like in Russia right now they can't do quailude

so they can't fucking smoke dope they got to do some drug that your skin falls off right did you see that shit on Nat Geo they show these people that their skin falls off you have to cook it in gasoline when it explodes I mean there's always people who find

a different angle you know there's people like that dude trying to put a bomb in a sneaker TSA can only be so good you know only do the job they could do man so you can't really with all these with all these attacks and whatever

listen man my guys in Nashville dude are so fucking cool man I mean like they they're like everybody says hello we have to go do all the pat downs and stuff and they just like I hope he was having a high five everybody who

walked the fuck on I mean these guys are easy breezy it's just easy those guys are the greatest dudes and they just breeze you right through and love the guys in Nashville you know listen man I love Burbank and stuff but these are the

Burbanks are good when dude these are the fucking realities people that you know I dread taking my daughter somewhere like like someone crazy like a fucking crazy airport or a Disneyland type of event I mean you know but listen

you have to live your life you can't live like a fucking Cuban down there living in your corner you have to live and that's where you live in America who knows and now they're bombing the shit out of them over there that's how they retaliate by blowing up planes and shit once you

start fucking with them over there right now they're shooting people I saw them on World News Tonight not with Diane Sawyer with my other dog Diane Sawyer's Long and buried what's the other dude that like Do you like Stephanopoulos? No he's not he only substitutes with his dude from time to time I'll

watch him I'll watch Stephanopoulos I like that guy George Stephanopoulos he was in some White House he was good let me give some fucking quick shout out to my man it was great seeing the Lingus family in Chicago amazing I love you mother

fuckers the old man came out he knows I love him it was great seeing Peter Greek it was great seeing Josh from 10th mother fucking planet he took us over the owls and stuff you know I want to really thank the club I mean the management

the staff they were great all week I want to thank my man Ramir Shaman Fred NASA Coach LaCrosse though Raymond Mayor Garrett Blahunka Nikolai Zepa Sean Charles Jason

Jackson I want to thank your boys down there in Austin Crystal and my man Bobby and I'm excited to see my boy in motherfucking Las Vegas next week Larry aka the token motherfucking lair

all next week at the South Point Casino with my man Larry he'll be there Friday night fucking lurking we'll go eat a little something then I'll go to bed at 10 o'clock like I always do you know what I'm saying nobody bothers nobody gets their feelings around me

how you feeling mother I'm feeling good man so when do you leave see what do you do Wednesday that Wednesday I'll wake up at radio at seven o'clock up in

Fresno and have my coffee and just go inside and do my show I really don't like the morning because I got that that late six eye surgery and I have to wear sunglasses in the morning

otherwise it gives me a migraine headache now I guess I'm under stress and I get a fucking bad headache and I think it's because of that surgery and so I have to wear shades and look like a douche in front of people and it's like

so annoying and I have to explain myself and then I kind of look like a douche back then too it's like you know just wish my eyes the latest work that it takes yeah man you know I've got great vision I can I'm a man

when I got it done I was 2020 the next day I was 2015 and the day after that everything was healed up and it was 2010 I need to get that I'm like 40 something but I'm terrible I can't see for shit oh really

yeah I can't see dick either so you know and now I don't know what I mean I can see little things I know this is oh you know I know this is

Paris OG what the fuck are you laughing about dude bro it's like I know this is I can't see twitter nothing like that I can't see my twitter feed or emails yeah I can't see none of this shit that's craziness

but that's the reality that's what happens you really post fun shit man I mean you got a very collective taste music but they're always jams like a cross genres you know it's really fucking you put out good vibes I love it so when I get up in the morning

man I get up like everybody fucking else you get up uncertain like what the fuck is like I went to bed last night maybe 10 o'clock because I had had it from the weekend like I slept a little in the afternoon

I kept dozing off on the plane I got two hours before I got up Saturday night that's not enough I got up at 3 3 a.m. last night at the dot 3 a.m. just got up I laid there for like 7 minutes I said what am I gonna do

I'm not gonna go back to bed I went and peed, I put the robe on I went in the office I did a few bong hits fuck yeah what are you gonna do I went on the computer so it was crack of lack and I pulled out one of my notebooks I wrote my agenda for the day

I got my week ready right what are you gonna do I did a couple more that's fucking amazing oh my god I did a couple more I didn't even make coffee I did a few more bong hits didn't even eat nothing you're better than me I just went back to bed

I have a question though about 5 o'clock about 5 o'clock I went right back in there like a doctor at least I had it was freezing I took that t-shirt off my titties came out I put that fucking blanket on

with that sleep apnea mask I slept till that fucking alarm went off at 10 after 7 and I would have slept till 9 trust me I would have gone deeper than deep what's your question I'm sorry sir my question was about Saturday night what happened

cause we talked after you were really pumped after I never knew what did it feel like when you finally got to the hotel what did you do that's a great question I sat there

and just let everything cool off I didn't even know what was going on I had no idea what was going on with me I knew I just wanted to sit down you know at one point I took my shirt off and my shoes

I wasn't getting anxiety it's something else it's a different feeling I put the TV on and tried to get interrupted by the TV I think I called you I called a friend of mine but nothing really mattered so I got up and I went in the shower

I put the shower on as hot as I could and I just sat there and let the fucking water hit me so I couldn't take it anymore and I let the water cool off and I stretched my back short time I went right to bed like that you just passed out

whatever I'm confused and shit I need to go in the shower I just go in the shower and let it run out of my head and let that hot water fucking rejuvenate my brain fucking cells and shit and that's it

because Ralphie you've done a lot of specials and even your early ones were all of them were great but I'm like this is Joey's first so like going back to your first can you think about what that was that was like

well I I've been running those goddamn jokes for like 5 years straight I mean I had laughs every 4 to 5 seconds and the album went platinum

because people thought I got fucked out of last comic we sold like 1.4 million and it was a big deal and it was just out of the laugh factory

but the feeling afterwards like you're like oh god you know there's like oh my god you get to exhale alright and then you really take it in and then it'll come if it hasn't already

the panic that you can't do those jokes no more because people are gonna see all that shit coming and you're not the type because Joey's a real comedian he won't allow himself and he'll beat himself up to dig

deeper and go realer and that's what this is gonna do it's gonna act as a catalyst to spur his writing and in a fucking year he'll have and that's how it is but for like the next month he's gonna be a little bit of a panic

alright and no I'm in no panic at all good good let it breathe I'm in the state of where you at where am I at I'm in the state of because I know the whole fucking thing no I'm in the state of

it all came down to this I enjoyed doing it I definitely want to do another one I know exactly what I want to do it I know exactly where I want to do it I know how much time I want to take I know I'm gonna do it now so you're ready with the whole another special I'm ready with no other special

not another hour no there's no hour not even close I have minus 10 minutes for this special you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying like you're at that point I'm not worried about that I'm gonna take this week off and then start next Tuesday night

and then go to Vegas take a week off go to Boston go but you know and I'm still gonna have I'll get some old material put it together for these tours until you start to I'm like Janet Jackson now when Janet Jackson starts a tour she lip syncs

she's got no cardio it's tough to move and sing at the same time so you started 90% fucking lip syncing by the end of the tour you're down to 10% lip syncing because you built your fucking cardio you need somebody singing behind you the same shit they heard you understand

that's how I'm gonna try it that's how I'm gonna try it for right now I'm in no rush plus most of the tours before the special there's a lot of things that people always say you think you're in a rush we're in no rush not at our level

I did my special and I was 11 years in I hit my first special and now 12, 12 years in yeah 12 and so when I hit

I knew what I was doing you know I've been headlining all over the south for years no no when you hit you were already very established yeah you had that night and the next night if you come tonight and tomorrow you're gonna see two different fucking hours

yeah no experience takes the handle over here I'm not worried about the material I'm not worried about any of this shit this experience taught me that you might not have anything in May but if you keep getting on stage and you keep taping your sets

and you keep pushing yourself what are you gonna do tonight I'm gonna do three sets really yeah you're still out there banging an athlete because you forgot there's a dodgy game so that show that was supposed to start at fucking 9 is now gonna start at fucking 1030 so you're out there till

2 in the morning working your material for three fucking people but every spot works it's really amazing how a friend of mine once told me that everything works in layers and I didn't know what the fuck he meant it meant that everything you do

builds and it builds momentum and one day it all builds into one momentum all those little things that you thought was shit all built and they really do I'm seeing it with 20 people now I've seen it with 20 fucking people

from Ralphie May to fucking Ari to Ali Wong I've seen momentum builds over fucking night like nothing happens so stand up is real I can't imagine being Kevin Hart I can't imagine being Amy Schumann

I can't imagine being Louis C.K. because those guys Asians get greedy they put them out there and these guys can't write fast enough these guys can't write fast enough you know when you get to that level you're doing 80 other things

it's not you in the fucking room anymore yeah you're not doing pong hits with your friends and drinking coffee now it's all different it's all different now so people can't adjust to that either I was telling Lee that one of the most important things is grounded

no matter what Ralphie had around them at all times six agents the whole thing I was always hawking them on the phone tormenting them, making them laugh keeping them grounded so he wouldn't buy into the fucking bullshit they're gonna hit you with bullshit

that's it there's a ton of bullshit that comes with it if you keep your friends around they keep you grounded you know what Ralphie that joke ain't funny when that agent tells you that that joke is brilliant we love it you're up there eating dog shit like that poor killer in today's show

and singing that fucking song can you imagine this poor agent I wish one of them lost boys had come and ripped his fucking head off what do you do when you're that kid's agent and he comes into your office and he sings that song for you you can't sit him down and tell him the truth

somebody's lying to that kid well that's tremendous well get me on the show right now let me call in two minutes I'll wait call right now I got Corey Feldman in my office right now he'd love to come on the today's show and sing a song really

tell him to send us a demo they sent us a demo of that fucking song without looking at the kid he shows up with the tube rods dressed up like fucking vacula dressed up like fucking white Dracula what about them, what about auditioning for that role

for what role they do with women I know one of them is probably his girlfriend but the other one those poor girls didn't know what they were getting involved those girls want to shoot themselves right now those girls are changed their hand color

they quit SAG and joined after you know what I'm saying they fucking switch governments those two fucking old girls our generation had those chicks from the guy when you're not home

yeah those chicks were so fucking hot it was a good song, good singer basic same formula mine is a good singer, good song if they just had a good singer and a good song it would be great

you know that was music at that time was like MTV the better your video was on MTV the more tickets you sold it really wasn't about the music and the music was good the visual effects to the fucking videos in 83 and 84

were fucking brilliant from Sledgehammer Thriller those videos and that's what sold tickets at those times that video, the lights are do you know what he's talking about Leigh do you know what he's talking about

put on YouTube real quick, I'm going to give you a lesson in TV and music right now put on Robert Palmer just put fucking YouTube on Leigh when you're asking questions Leigh is it time for another mushroom cap no it's not

you didn't even get off on those mushrooms I'm only getting off a little bit it's time for another mushroom I'm not doing mushrooms just me and Leigh we're in training Leigh what's Robert Palmer's song addicted to love

you never saw this Leigh oh this is tremendously let me just get this on Leigh and you know what they've done 10 videos, 10 different things to copy this but I think this guy was the first guy that's why I don't want to say for sure

this is the first guy I saw do it that really made an impact on me you never saw this Leigh unless you showed it to me oh my god seriously watch this Leigh, this is what I'm talking about thank god hit it Leigh

watch the screen Leigh don't watch nothing though oh shit look at this motherfucker look at this shit Leigh wow that motherfucker bam

you're not home you're mine not your own what a fucking sound he's just cool huh girls this really is and look at him, he's such a bad motherfucker this guy's a bad motherfucker

listen to his sound nobody's got balls like that nobody's got a sound like that original god, damn he's bad, isn't it I was watching this the other day check that motherfucker out

I might do my next special dress like him I'm going to taunt you Leigh to make you out there and play your dance with me Leigh he's so cool Jesus Christ he's a bad motherfucker

I'm going to show you how bad this guy is put on Robin Palmer I Want You this is when you know this dude is dangerous this guy has always been dating nobody knows about this guy nobody remembers this guy because everybody thought he was a pop dude this guy was a pop dude

but he went deep with some shit listen to this I wish I was here so he went into this Marvin Gaye thing after Marvin Gaye died and this guy was fucking pulling it off Leigh a white dude

took Marvin Gaye's music and flipped it he flipped it this dude nobody said dick because it was that good is this the real music video yeah this is early MTV

no this is a little later I figured that other shit was 84-83 this is after he got a little bit more popularity he wanted to switch it around and show people how deep this motherfucker was he's a fucking bad dude

now spin this up a little bit Leigh he really breaks it down somewhere here right there there you go there's where he turns it up oh kill that Leigh

there you go you got allergies that is some bad ass shit right there because I hate covers I hate all that shit I first heard this I looked at him for a little while and I go are you better not be doing what I think you're doing

but he sounded so good and I watched an interview I was like you know what man this guy is a dangerous motherfucker he's a singer I like all this type of shit people I like when a guy takes a thing and puts a spin on it what's up Leigh Sayah you ready for another mushroom cap

it's Monday night it's the 17th of October you got dick going on the 18th oh my goodness might as well let's do it did we finish all the apples oh yeah we had what one and a half

300 300 maybe 50 we split pretty much the cookie we're gonna get night sleep though we wake up you think you got fucking two massages it was a lot of fun when I went back to the room I was very

I felt like I had done something that's what I felt like I had learned a different concept of comedy that I had never learned before I had never known and I never really thought about it because I never thought I would shoot you know what I am like I never went there with my head I kept it simple

but I gotta be honest with you I feel the same way every Saturday night after I do five fucking shows really? yeah I'm done I'm fucking done man especially if I fuck around the daytime and work out and stuff I'm in Tarzan on Saturday

and do the elliptical for 30-40 minutes and I go on that fucking stage and do two shows I'm not saying everything hurts my whole body is electric sometimes I only got four hours so I know the shower will fucking wake me up I don't want to do that but this week that's the one

that shower was one of the best showers two weeks in a row I had a great shower last week in Columbus Ohio I went in the shower for so long the fun guy nailed peel the level you know what I'm saying the fucking fun guy nailed peel the level and it was the only week

I didn't bring my tools with me just fucking soft like that you have tools oh I have this whole I got the comb I got the fucking little eyebrow cutter I got a scissor for your nose edge but then

on the other side you got like a fucking you got a needle to mend the fucking like a button I got one of those in there that needle works for everything what does everything mean? everything hash I can grown hair

that could you know that could work on stitches anything that anything goes with that and then I got a toenail cutter that's fucking huge I can cut a fucking I can cut a gorilla's fucking toenail with it right I got that and then next to it is like a chisel

so you pick up the nail and you go in there deep and you chisel that fun guy out it looks like fucking it looks like fungus and blue cheese put together and when it gets wet you cut the nail in holes it's tremendously so shout out to Buffalo

what's the matter Lee you look a little dizzy and I'll get a little vomit in my mouth I'll act to ya what's up Lee ingesting all this information oh my god I got another mushroom cap

not really to be honest alright let's do one what the fuck it's Monday night it's the 17th of October there ain't nothing going on I was supposed to have something 11 to it's not gonna happen so I'm just gonna fucking do my thing I don't bother nobody you know what I'm saying

you look good Lee we had a nice time this weekend you learned a lot congratulations to you both that's nice to Joey and you too Lee like I said man it's a pleasure to see your growth you know

I was always happy about all your success you know you see all these guys that you all came up with and everybody rates success differently you know what I'm saying listen man I don't want to sit in the fucking outside you know us man we've been

we're stoned 82 hours of the day the last thing we want is human contact you know what I'm saying I just want to make sure me about something I don't ever want to be one of those guys I just want to be a dirty man I hear that shit so much I just want a dirty comedian that's it

I don't want nobody to even know I exist I would never want to be an Amy Schumer shoes God forbid I would never want to be in Louisie everybody gets so critical of you you can't be a comedian anymore when you get to that part of comedy cause you can't develop it anywhere

it's too rough no it's too rough everything so it's too rough to even go there so you don't want to be in that particular spotlight if you're going to be in that spotlight you have to have three writers that write you know material that's yeah that's great

policy friendly I'd rather shoot myself in the fucking head next topic what else cock sucker talk to me you smoking weed what's going on you're doing jumping jacks over there Lisa you ready for another mushroom I found some acid hidden under one of the albums and shit a half a piece

can you imagine we could break our own record tonight Lee leave me out of this we got these green stars too alright Lee the sofa is a safety safe okay Lee knows all about that fucking sofa if anything

if you feel anything weird okay go to the safety Lee knows all about the sofa just write it out okay Lee knows all about the sofa I'm gonna take a shower and take a big old shit I'm telling you that's where I go Lee knows all about the sofa

Lee has been on that sofa a couple of times he's a soldier leave my little Lee alone I love him he goes what is Yom Kippur finish I think it's over it's over that's it what's the next big Jewish holiday Hanukkah maybe Hanukkah I don't know maybe there's something in between that that people need

people know we always gotta get one more we got Halloween right where you gotta be for Halloween though I'm gonna be in Nashville Nashville yeah you're not doing Cali on that in Nashville no we're gonna do for Halloween fuck no I'm gonna

hand out real size candy bars so everybody comes to the house wanna be real size candy bars well you know those fun size candy bars there's nothing fun about them I mean you just get started and they're done fuck that I give whole candy bars

I go to Sam's and get fucking cases of them sit out there and fucking just boom here you go here you go because when you open up a real candy bar you know where you stand I appreciate children don't toilet paper in my house

you know what I mean I'm your man we're down okay you know you pay the neighborhood it saves the way picking fence from getting fucked up you know I mean you just pay it forward a little bit my mom will come up I'll hand them which one you like Recy

okay well Snickers is bomb too oh you want the Milky Way this is all carmel okay that's all I got I'm sorry but I mean I go through probably 300 dollars worth of candy but kids just light up and I get toys and stuff yeah this week this now I'm gonna

neighborhood I buy the plain size ones but you're right when you have the little fucking things what happens is like me this week with the butterfingers I just wanted a butterfinger next thing I was eating 22 of them which meant I ate three of those life-size ones if I would have just stayed a life-size one

I don't know why I stand alright that's it I'm good to go you know me I have the control of a fucking savage I could say fuck it that's it I had a few of those butterfingers too I saw those you were you were tearing shit up this weekend I was not tearing shit up which I'm proud of you

listen you know me dog I ain't no slim Jim McGowan give a fuck I want you to be healthy but don't sit there look me in the fucking eyeball and go I don't know who ate these two pizzas I didn't eat no pizzas two pizzas disappeared there was three of us two pizzas I was on stage

for two hours I come back he's sitting there with a big grin on his face just got happy as fuck no there were veggie pizzas there was no veggie pizza no please I'll strangle you I was eating them there were not veggie there were cheese and prosciutto

not backstage in the green room in the green room there was prosciutto when I got back there ask willy when I got back there I had no pizza there was just veggie ask willy get willy on the phone

wait a second when I got back there there was two slices of pizza cause I ate one of them please stop stop you're insulting my intelligence I wasn't in the state folks he's saying the back room there's no back room there was one fucking room I ate three slices in the main room

I did I ate three slices that was later somebody ate the ones in the green room when I left there was a pizza in the fucking house I was sitting at the table no I wasn't winking I wasn't there

I was in Portland there was a whole pizza that was willy's and there was a pizza he knows willy he knows will fucking pan pizzas there was two little strings saying come back two little slices when I left

I took both of them he ate one I watched him and he ate a pizza chicken nugget and he was eating them and he was saying what vegetable there was no vegetable there was no vegetable stop with the fucking vegetables so next thing you know he fucking

he fucking and he's sitting there with a grin on his face high as fuck high as fuck he was and I go what's going on and he goes back to the hotel room and the next day he's talking about chicken cutlet parmesan from before

his wife just got sick eating shit on the road bad Canadian food and also he's out there watering to go food at the hotel at two in the fucking morning you're talking about two different nights now are we talking about Saturday or Friday where did you go Friday night

Friday night was the chicken parm and what a commonly french fries just no pasta pasta yeah you ate pasta three in the morning just a little bit I ate like most of it I promise he always eats a little bit and what was it Saturday

the reason why I didn't was because they didn't include cheese so I couldn't eat most of the pasta and Saturday Saturday was because I had like two slices listen to me they bought new wave bought ten pies

yeah a ton of pizza all those pizza now Lee was sitting right there I had three slices plus the 15 slices but that's like a pound of pizza dude I was talking to the photographer

ask him at the whole time you were licking your fingers no it was not you know I'm one of the court I'm watching like a horse I just wanted to take two slices Lee was like me in the 80s with cocaine

if cocaine landed right here I'd be sitting next to him making him believe it wasn't there oh is that cocaine that's not mine Lee was sitting there at one time Lee had three fucking boxes of pizza sitting there like Sinatra mingling with the boxes of pizza

you yell at me all the time for eating garbage pizza I'm finally surrounded by good pizza I want to take some home I want to take some home and say no no I didn't say no you did too say no Lee you're embarrassing me

you always want to have a slice of sport center or something then he goes back to the hotel and he orders like some eat your pizza no it was good pizza I went to the front desk well at least maybe they would recommend a decent place

what was the brand Lee I don't remember it was like 2 in the morning I got like the smallest one it was so depressing it was like 8 inches 8 inches of what fucking death you were fighting on the plane the next day

so were you you fought it on the way there we had a skinny dude between us who almost jumped out of the plane because you were farting and then I had to fall back into a tulliation and he's not admitted to it at least I had been to it I love farting on plane

you didn't fart on the way there that was all me you were half a fag you sat like a half a fag I blew this guy out the first time my back was bothering me so I bent over this way to fart to give it pressure but it blew out of my back

and I heard it I felt the back of the G flapping like a fag like a kite and I sit back and within 2 minutes I see Lee look at me make him leave like he's doing sign language

and he's inhaling that fart because the filter of the plane is on the Lee's feet that's why you never take a window seat because everything that comes goes right there to the window if I sneeze it goes to the window if I blow my nose it goes to the window if I fart

so Lee gets the first dose of the fart this guy gets the second dose like that hurricane last week was supposed to come back this fart comes back this fart goes deep and it breaks it's like a wave right

it's like a wave and breaks like this half of it goes Lee's direction the other half hits the middle seat and ricochets right into this guy's mouth you understand me I know how to fart in that first aisle I started on Rogan that's the first guy I started on

because that's first class, that's turkey you gotta catch him when he's sleeping and their mouth has to be around here Rogan was sleep by the window with his mouth facing up that's tough to catch him with a fucking fart I'm done you guys I don't fuck around, I'll tell you how it is

on the way back I got upgraded to first class it's Sunday fly on the way home I always got upgraded I'm my lily lily killing it before we get on the plane we started to fly at 7.30 am

with 200 milligrams of death I joined at the hotel we don't fuck around we had just gone to bed 3 hours before killing it the whole week Kern Michael was dead everybody's fucking smoking dope

outside we got on that plane he goes back to 14D he wasn't really in the dungeon he was in the middle of the dungeon they charge you for those seats now from 14A 50 bucks

if not they put you in the fucking dungeon dog and let me tell you something you fly anything now from 16 back you're gonna get sick you're gonna get a Abu Dhabi something, you're in that 28th row by the bathroom hell have fury on you

because people are back there farting that fart's got nowhere to go you gotta sleep with a blanket on your head and a straw coming out of it you think I'm kidding you you got anything from 24 to 28 when you go home you gotta take a shower you can't even fucking go out

and meet your friends and hang out because you got this fucking layer of airplane trust me dog we used to sit in the back of the plane those are the cheapest seats when you go on there late they have cheap seats for $189 I just got my tickets for Boston

I'm sitting in like 21 and 24 there's nothing there's nothing unless I want to pay like 100 bucks a ticket which isn't gonna happen I'm sitting in the back are you on virgin? you're sitting in the back on both flights yeah

don't you have to go out of Long Beach? no why would you go to Long Beach, we're up here I thought that was down in Long Beach I have it there but no but anyways I'm checking on me you what? when you were checking on me

oh yeah I went back there I'm bored in first class I went back there to check on my little nephew Lee he's got the he's sitting back there with a smile on his face he just hit the lot of me he's got his shoes off no I do not first of all I taught him how to fly

you understand me we get through security he's a fucking mook he's stuck as usual because he don't know just to keep going just give up because I got the pre-check this fucking guy's walking around he hit the lot of me Lee speed up plus he has 19 bags

he's gonna have a surgeon he's got the computer and the games in there and god knows what other shit he's got God knows what other shit he's got don't belong I got two things on my thing two things in my travel bag

a machine and a computer you're the one that draws the attention no I don't I don't take none of them out stupid I never take nothing out I've been taking that computer out in 20 years they always say if you have a computer or laptop take it out I haven't taken that at all

that's how I run I don't take nothing out leave it in there shut your pie hole take your sneakers off take your fucking belt off take the tickets out of your pocket take your cell phone and put it in your right shoe and take your wallet and put it in your fucking left shoe so they can't rob your cock sucker

and you get shaken down your shit's all the way over there out in the open you understand me? so guys like you with the sugar night shirt on look at it Ralph you got the sugar night shirt on smooth you have to fucking do this shit until nobody robs you cause those TSA guys will rob you

oh my god your wallet are gonna go missing and you have to run the tape don't get rid of the tape it's a conspiracy Trump keeps saying immediate fuck that oh my god so we get to the airport I leave him there

I was gonna wait for him but I go what would he rather have me wait for him a nice breakfast wait for him he fucking goes to security takes him an hour they search him they bring the fucking bug the dog they brought the donkey everybody's sniffing I go to that fucking

macaroni grill I get him a nice sausage platter with eggs and potatoes and sausages he gets out of security he gets over there boom he's gotta wait for him with a fucking diet coke yeah perfect like a fucking doctor that we are I gave him six minutes to eat

we gotta get on the fucking plane first this motherfucker don't work I got a superstition I gotta get on there first get off that motherfucker first so I tried to sneak him in but I couldn't do it but he went to the back it was cool it was a good little flight man I like

I simplified traveling on the way out I had a yellow guy with a Volvo classic because he tried to play the white fucking supreme game on me that he was bad and take up two aisles so I played his fucking card and the guy fell apart at the seams at the parking window

even the black ladies were laughing at him dog it was fucking embarrassing he wouldn't pull up he wouldn't open his window it was the worst thing ever Lee scared the shit out of him Lee told him go fuck your mother it was hysterical a flying jig out of nowhere

let me do this guys real quick yes go baby let me talk about one of my sponsors on it who I love dearly I mean they are I'm bread and butter they've been with us this day when I loved the death men and I love them because the products are fucking solid at least the products that I use are solid

it's the fucking shroom tech sport it's the ham-force protein the chocolate and it's the alpha brain that's my studies right there listen my kidneys can only take so much I take blood pressure medication CBDOL reefer cocaine for 30 years they ain't got much left

so I gotta be careful what I'm fucking putting in my fucking things but I love on it I believe in them yesterday when I got home right before I take a flight I take that fucking alpha brain that's why I don't fall asleep on a plane when I get off I sleep 2-3 hours I got no jet lag it's alpha brain

but do me a favor go to I'm right now and look at the great selection of supplements they have there's anything you like go to the cart put it in there press in CHURCH and get 10% off your first order deliver it to your door okay

if you like what you get go on the stay on it program they deliver it to your door on the first of every month you gotta do dick alright go to and get 10% off your first order number two I want to introduce you to a new product that we're putting on the podcast

that I fucking love when I left they said they were gonna send it to me and when I got back they sent it to me and I asked my wife what do you think and she loved it I mean so far so good

you know I mean I got cats man and you gotta feed the fucking cats on their own goddamn schedule if you have one cat that's great you get the one that's scheduled you have a couple cats that ruins it okay that ruins it because

you don't know what you're eating so sometimes you might feed you think Friskie's eating and Friskie's really not eating it's fucking Lulu that's eating everything so every time you put a thing on how Friskie don't eat so Lulu eat all six fucking times and meanwhile for two days Friskie looks like that fucking

cat that flies on them in Africa like this fucking hungry and shit so do you ever wonder if you're overfeeding your pet sure studies show feeding your pet the right amount every day will help them live longer but how do you know you're feeding your pet

the right amount of food every day you know I mean this is how this is one way introducing the pet the pet net smart feeder the new smartphone controlled automatic pet feeder that personalizes your pet's

daily calorie intake using their age weight activity level and food type with the pet net app you can schedule and monitor your pet's meals from your smartphone do you get me

are you listening to me meaning your pet is always fed even when you're running a little late okay stop worrying about feeding your pet the wrong amount of food every day the pet net smart feeder will feed the healthiest portions

at the right time every day automatically listen we all love our pets the pet net smart feeder is the best way for you to make sure you're feeding them right the right amount every single day but these things are popular and since the pet net

smart feeder is produced in a limited quantity each month you need to get yours before they sell out at petnet.com slash joey today plus you'll get free shipping also I listen I'm going to test it again this week

because I just got back on Sunday I saw it was there I asked my wife what she thought she loves the whole phone control thing that's the money comes with an app and you got it right there when how that's the whole patois

that if you're running late maybe you got your cat on a specific diet maybe he has certain dietary needs this is what this is for you the pet net feeder so the pet net smart feeder so do me a favor

go to petnet.com slash joey today and you're going to get free shipping what I'm going to do is this get your pet net smart feeder get your pet net smart feeder plus free shipping when you go to petnet.com

slash joey again petnet.com slash joey this is the future right now pet net smart feeder is the best way for you to make sure you're feeding your cat the right way the right amount

every single day so again get your pet smet the pet net smart feeder plus free shipping when you go to petnet.com slash joey what do you think about that cock suckers I love it

strong it looks cool I'm sure you can use it with a dog too dog cat whatever the hell you need awesome my man biscuits he is fucking the greatest my little English bulldog puppy he's fucking the greatest

and that dog is on a regiment thing I would love to be able to hook that up to my cameras and be able to feed it make sure he gets exactly what he's supposed to get and then shut it off remotely go to petnet.com slash joey cock sucker

and look at the computer look at it see the options you got and I guarantee you'll love it because of your travel that's what you really like yeah we'll be back Wednesday night Ralphie May always a pleasure to have you always a pleasure to see you make me happy when skies are sad

nothing nobody knows me too how much I love you you don't get to hang out with any friends special you are my love you make me happy when skies are gray

you'll never know dear how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away my sunshine away Vegas next weekend where you at Oxnard this Friday Saturday Thursday

yeah Thursday Friday Saturday and Sunday and man then off for a week thank god I mean I've been on of eight state run so far we got it you're like a trust of these nations

exactly it's easier you gotta bust how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away hit that music cock sucker Tuesday I'm at the impromptu 10 o'clock for helping Native Americans

get propane and keep people alive in North Dakota I swear to god it's a great cause they're nice people alright you don't deserve that shit I remember they have fucking holes in the walls they weren't the windows it was fucking time to talk

nobody knows there's so much I love you don't take your sunshine away hit it please say it come on man fuck yeah damn it Lee I love you baby

when you're laying so close to me there's nothing so bad that you're living with me yeah I love you baby I love you baby I love you baby I love you baby

I love you baby I love you baby I love you baby don't take me again and again hit that music cock sucker I'm searching for this one you must be yeah

I I I love you baby I I love you baby I I love you baby I love you baby

I I love you baby I love you baby I I love you baby I I love you baby I

I love you baby I I love you baby I love you baby I I love you baby I love you baby I

I love you baby I love you baby I I love you baby Baby, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby oh, baby, oh, baby I want you out of my way I want you out of my way

I want you out of my way I want you out of my way I want you out of my way I want you out of my way I want you out of my way I want you out of my way Love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you, love to love you