Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #426 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 1, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Joey's halloween run in with gentiles, his faith, and his experience with therapy.  This podcast is brought to you by: Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and get a $500 new driver bonus.   ZipRecruiter - post your job for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church    MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.  Recorded live on 10/31/2016.
  

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That's MVMTWatches.com slash church to save 15%. Show is also brought to you by audit.com. Oh, music. Oh, shit. It's that creepy motherfucking night, cocksuckers. I really don't give a fuck. But I'm happy you guys are doing your thing. It's Halloween bitches.

It's October 31st, 2016. Next time you see daylight, you'll be seeing a Thanksgiving commercial with that motherfucker. You'll be seeing a Thanksgiving commercial with that motherfucker. You'll be seeing a Thanksgiving commercial with that motherfucker.

But it's not what doesn't really matter. It's just another fucking day. The church, what's happening now, cocksuckers? We're coming at you. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. RIP Michael Jackson. He was probably one of his biggest pervert days.

He just answered the door on the bikini with a fucking Mickey Mouse helmet on his shit. The church, what's happening now, cocksuckers? How fucked up is that? If you thought that he sat there and go, when is the day I could really lure kids? Maybe Halloween. Maybe I'll write a song about fucking Halloween

and shit and making popular and do a video. So, I'm gonna go and do a video. I'm gonna go and do a video. I'm gonna go and do a video. Making popular and do a video so fucking kids could come to my house and I could molest like 18 of them instead of one. That's a fucked up way to think.

Parents have to be careful. You have to be careful in Halloween. Real careful. It was amazing today. Because I wasn't home all weekend. I went to Vegas, but I got home Sunday and I missed a trunk of treats. Trunk of treats are a little safe haven.

Don't get me wrong. There's gotta be perverts lurking somewhere. There's always one. Do I feel comfortable with my wife walking, you know, my wife talks to people and she's very nice, but you know. Today was the worst. Today was obviously the worst.

Because today, I gotta knock on the door at five o'clock. I open and this kid's tricked a treat. They go, Mercy, you wanna go? She goes, hey, let me go with the kids. I was like, 20 kids. I go outside and there's maybe like five or six parents. They're walking their dogs, you know, same shit. Everybody wants to be a movie star.

One parent's drinking a margarita. They just can't for the other parents are dressed up. I got a cowboy hat on. I don't even have a holster. I just got a fucking gun and my wife forgot to put the bandana on me. I don't even have a shirt. I wore this blue shirt, whatever the fuck.

And I'm having a good time. I met one of the parents goes to legacy. One of the dads. Oh, cool. He's like, hey, I remember that, yeah, yeah. We walked down the corner and now they wanted to cross Colfax. What do you think we should do?

Should we cross Colfax? Cars are zipping by. And I go, finally, you know, here's a bunch of educated fucking white people. You think they come up with a fucking plan with their 20 kids? They're like, what should we do? Should we cross Colfax?

Meanwhile, cars are zipping by. I got mercy by the fucking hand. Like it's my fucking hand. I'm connected by superglue. And I go, can I ask you guys a question? Why don't we just walk to the corner and make a fucking left and walk all the way to the park and then walk down.

And after an hour of that, you're done. You're good to go. There's no reason to cross the street, the fucking Colfax, it's the same shit. Yeah, they're young, they don't need that much. You don't need that much, it's right on this side. You know, if I walk from my house to your light and back, you're good to go, trust me.

It looks close, but it ain't fucking close. It's a walk and a half. But now if we're walking in between those streets on houses, you're gonna hit 2,000 fucking houses. Oh yeah, California kids must just clean up because that was a big thing where I grew up. They had like big yards. Like every yard, every house had like an acre or something.

So like, it was a big thing to get houses. Where I grew up here, it's every, like what quarter of an acre? It's like barely anything. Yeah, you got a fucking house. So I go, let's just have, so we stay down there for a minute. Austin has ladies, let's go.

Now it's getting dark. Now it's just dark. And cars are coming up from everywhere. And they wanna stay on the street where the cars are active. I'm trying to hit the side streets and cut down the driveways. You know, as long, you know,

every street here has a driveway that goes all the way down. You don't even need to hit the main streets. And some streets you can just hit from fucking driveway to every street in North Hollywood has an alley. And they usually have them in Hollywood. All those streets have alleys.

And if you really pay attention, you could probably go from one avenue to the other one in those alleys. Oh, I do it all the time. It's eight miles an hour, but you got no fucking traffic and nobody's cutting you off. You know what I'm saying?

You're constantly moving. So I'm in those alleys and I'm walking and I'm popping up at the other street. We're not having any contact with cars, any contact with goofy people. Finally, a one lady raises her hand. She goes, listen, I'm talking to my friend there on the church on Laurel Canyon.

Let's walk over to, and me and my wife just look at you like it's dark out. And you motherfuckers ain't gonna be happy till you walk across Colfax. Are you with these kids? You're not gonna be happy till you walk across with these fucking kids. Okay, I won't.

Me and my wife and daughter turned the other way. And I thought Mercy was gonna have a couch with those kids. She's like, fuck them then. Yeah, it's a lot of walking for them. Fuck those dummies. And we went and hiked for another hour. Me, Mercy and my wife,

in fact, more kids tagged along with us. And we were on that side street because we were by the park. We were by the park. It's just fucking, it's just common sense. I gotta tell you something. I'm at the point in my life where I always walked around thinking I was the stupid one.

Like I always walked around and listened to other people's opinions and listened to other people's ideas. And I would go, why are people doing that? And for the last five or six or seven years, I've been questioning that. And I've been doing just fucking fine on my own. Do you know that?

And it's like, I've come to the point that I wasn't as dumb as I fucking thought I was. For years, I thought I was really fucking dumb. And now I'm opening my eyes and I'm like, there's so many fucking dumb people around me. And it's not even dumb, like academic dumb. It's common sense dumb. And it's people who you think would be mildly educated

and have a half a fucking brain in their head. They both have parents, they all went to college. But lately it's like I'm losing faith. Like I can't believe that there's this many dumb, unsmart street people walking around on our fucking earth right now. Or maybe it's just this area. I've never seen anything like this.

I see it at the airport. I see it just in daily routines. We're victims of habit. But if something happens, you get alerted to that habit and you heighten it and now you pay more attention. People do not give a fuck. That's why people will continue to get blown up. It's just so weird.

You know, when I see hit and run things late at night, I start thinking anymore. Like that lady who got hit in a fucking wheelchair. You know, the guy should have stayed and go, listen, I hit her. But who's out on Burbank Boulevard with a fucking wheelchair three in the morning? I didn't even hear about this.

Yeah, about three weeks ago they were looking for a white van. Jesus Christ. Oh, was it the bigger, the big one? Unlike the, not the wheelchair, but like the scooter? Yeah, like a scooter. Yeah, she's always around. She's always around at 315 in the morning.

She's bound to get ahead eventually. Don't she have friends to tell up? But anyway, nothing got away from my fucking situation here. I'm just thinking of myself for years. I always thought I was a dumb run in the room. And ever since I've opened up my mouth. I've realized that I wasn't that fucking dumb. I had to make a big decision last week.

I had to make the decision that involved more help. But for a month, all I kept thinking about was what I was getting from my money compared to the money that I was paying out. And I'm not getting much. I'm $4,000 off from what they wanted for what they supply me. And I'm starting to feel guilty that I'm not using them.

But I can't while I have a daughter. I cannot use these people. But their explanation was to me that everybody that wants to get to certain levels have to use these people. And I don't see it. I've never seen it. For me right now at this point,

what's going on in our business right now? When you sign with a manager, it's basically to have somebody answer your phone calls and call you and go, this is what's going on. And I really don't want that. Yeah, it seems like it's double get a lot, like misinterpreted. I don't want an answer machine.

I can't pay you to be an answer machine. I can pay you to do work. Right. I'll always pay you to do work. But you don't need an answer machine. But I'll pay you what you're worth. I'm not gonna overpay you for what you're supplying me. I can't overpay you when you're taking a message from somebody and somebody else is doing the work.

Right. And that's understandable. I just can't do that. I can't do that. And I don't want to sign with a manager unless I really need one or unless a guy is getting me auditions every day and I'm working every day. Then I don't mind giving them a piece of the package.

But I just can't give you a piece of the package for relaying messages to me. You know what? I do all the stuff myself. And I like staying on top of it. I really enjoy staying on top of it. It keeps me sharp. Do you think you need one? Like, I know you said people will say that

but I think a lot of that is just, even not even the status. I'm sure a lot of people say well there's status with having a manager but there's just, people just do what everyone else does. I think that's what a lot of everything is. You know, when you look at these IMDb's people have publicists and lawyers on staff.

And listen, bro, that costs a lot of fucking dough. It's cool to have some people looking. They go, ah, but you know what? At cost at the end of the year, those publicists are basically the biggest rip-offs in the world. Yeah, it's like thousands of- A publicist, if you're thinking about getting a publicist

or you ever wondered what a publicist does, let me tell you what they do. They do nothing. They do absolutely nothing. It's like giving, it's like taking a dollar bill and lighting it on fire. And you can't believe that these people have offices because there's a little job

and it's called like the Tonight Show and premieres and shit like that. And these people schedule like your cars. These people schedule like your radio interviews. Like, you know, they'll call these stations and they do, some of them do a great job of it. Some of them have access to everybody. I don't mind paying you the dough,

but I want you to call Howard Stern right now at home and tell him he needs to have me on the radio station tomorrow at 10 to nine. If you can't do that, you're not worth your weight in gold. So you want the best? Yeah, you always want the best. But none of them could do that. When I go on your Twitter page as a publicist

and you have 10,000 people, I can't pay you any fucking money, but they pop up every three weeks in Hollywood. I get a request from a different publicist and sometimes I fuck with them. I ask them how much they are. You would not believe what the numbers are. 6,000, 5,000 a month.

A month? A month. And you sit there and giggle because there's nothing they could do for you in this economy. What are they gonna do? Get me on three more radio stations. What are they gonna do?

Get me on a cover magazine. Look at my face. What are they gonna do? They're not gonna do nothing. Most people use a publicist. Let's say if you wanna be on TMZ, right, I could call a publicist right now and say, listen, go to Jerry's Deli.

Call Jerry's Deli and tell them Jordi is wants to make a reservation. And they'll have TMZ there. So when I get there, TMZ will be there. And I ask surprise. It's crazy though, because... That's what publicists do. For people at home, that's what the new thing

that they do out here is. Some people wanna be on TMZ, so they hire a publicist and they'll go, listen, I'm gonna go down to fucking the comedy store. Like they're always at the improv TMZ. Yeah, the cameraman. And if you wanna see him, you can see him. If you don't, you slip off the side door.

I don't see him. I never see him. I don't wanna see TMZ. They're not nice people. They're not the nicest people in the world. Really? No, no, not at all. They'll start a conversation with you on a nice edge.

It takes a certain person to be those people. They start a conversation with you on a nice tone. Then they push the envelope a little bit. They try to be cute and it's the cute I don't like. And you end up hitting them in the head with the camera and now you do 10 years of time. So I just don't even like talking to any of them. So yeah, you just avoid.

I just avoid them like to play. But don't you think like the real high A-list level celebrities, if they wanted to get started, could just call themselves? Well, let's say Clooney. Clooney could fucking do whatever the fuck he wants. Right. But there's some A-list is that, I don't know,

maybe they wanna get exposed for a movie, like a movie's coming out on Friday, so they want TMZ to see him somewhere. You know, there's a thousand different scams, what they do. That's amazing. None of them would interest me, that's the problem. Right.

None of them would interest me. When I did Grudge Match, they fucking made me an iron publicist, it was like throwing away my money. I fired that bitch New Year's Day, that hook face bitch. Oh, Jesus. She was one of the ugliest women. She was the creepiest fucking broad I ever worked with in my life.

And she had gotten married and her wedding pictures were on Facebook and she made a husband dress in white and he was no better looking than her. And they were holding hands with a bunch of ugly friends dancing around a circle in Hawaii barefoot. And they're all Jews, but they're the ugliest Jews. Like these were the Jews that, I don't know what happened to them.

I feel like you look at this stuff as you're signing the checks just to piss you off. What do you mean? Like you look at like the pictures on Facebook, you look at like this stuff. No, no. Before I checked her out, I had to look at her Facebook and there she is dressed in white.

She probably sucked 80 dicks. And there she is dressed in white in Hawaii. She talked this poor sap into marrying her and fucking Hawaii in the sand. Meanwhile, some fucking dirty white kid from Rockin County has been fucking her in the ass for the last eight years. She talked this fucking ugly dude to Mariah and all her ugly friends and they're in fucking Hawaii,

you know, holding hands, spinning around in a circle like somebody gives a fuck, you know. What was I thinking? And usually I don't listen to them. Usually when people say, I can't, but I thought the people at Grudge Match were very nice and they weren't lying to me. I thought the requests were gonna come in for some.

I didn't fucking know. No request came in for nothing. I said, she goes, what do you wanna do? I go, I'd like to go to the premiere and take my seventh grade fucking teacher. She goes, I don't know if that'll fucking happen. She goes, and if it does happen, I'll have to, you have to pay for your hotel and airfare.

So what did I do? I hit fucking Peter Siegel up on an email and he took care of everything for me. Yeah, so you paid for a plane ticket. I upgraded it to first class, I think. It didn't really fucking matter. At least he made an effort. I got a hotel myself for two nights

and they paid for two nights of some shit. And I went to see Grudge Match with my seventh grade teacher and one of my friends. No big fucking deal, all right? And I fired her, I was fucking furious after that because she didn't call me and ask me how it went or nothing. So she always said to fire me, you gotta fire me on the first.

I launched her New Year's Day at 6.01 in the fucking morning. She called me at home yelling and screaming. I can't believe you opened up my New Year with this bad news, this and bitch. When I fucking got the plane ticket and the fucking hotel room for free, you were doomed. You were doomed, you just fucking saved me. You were gonna cost me fucking a thousand bucks.

How can I pay you ever again? I don't even want you around me. You're a lazy sack of shit. You didn't call nobody. They don't wanna burn somebody's things. You gotta go listen. This kid was in the trailer, correct? Yes, he was, okay.

We need this plane ticket in the hotel room. We're not asking for much. Base plane ticket, no biggie, five, six, you know what I'm saying? Just make it up. Run with them as they're doing it. They got the money, it's paramount. They got the money.

They always got the fucking money. You just gotta work them a little bit. That would be a real shame. That would be a real shame if a kid you put in the trailer, you can at least give them a plane ticket. That was that easy. I said, Mr. Segal, I just gotta ask you something. It's that time of the year.

The movie gets released Christmas Day, it's December 18th. The plane ticket's like 700 bucks. I wanna know what the movie is like there. And you don't have to be embarrassed. You gotta come in here. We put you in the trailer. Boom.

I got a plane ticket and a fucking hotel for asking. So she didn't ask, Lee. She didn't ask. She just called me and said, no, they're just willing to give you passes. No, they're not. You never called. You fucking hook, face bitch.

Jesus. And that's a job that she had. Look at that. That's weird that that existed. Cause that seems like something an agent could do or like you were seeing a man. And today all you need to do is go on your fucking Twitter and look that person up and hit them direct.

All you need to do now to get ready, like in the old days you would hire a publicist. Like I was thinking of hiring my friend. Okay. I've hired her twice in both times I haven't talked to her for 90 days after that because she's that bad. She's that fucking stupid and retarded. And for some reason I called her up.

I know she needs dough and I went to PayPal and I go, hey, I'm gonna send you 50 bucks to see if my PayPal works. Even fate fucked her. The PayPal wouldn't work to her email. I go, that's fate. Fuck, I never called her back. When fate fucks you in the ass, I can't call you back. No.

The email specifically to her didn't fucking work. That's fucked up. It wouldn't even take 50 fucking bucks at PayPal. So I knew it wasn't met in the cards. I didn't call. Because I was in the higher half of Boston in Connecticut to see if she could help us with newspaper, article or print for Foxwood since it's the night of 9-11.

And I go, you know what? The last two times I wanted to choke her. And I paid her because I love her and I don't want to disrespect her but I can't do it. Because there's always a story and I'm not in the mood for stories anymore. And PayPal said no. The PayPal was like, don't send her the money.

Don't do it. Don't do it. It must be weird hiring people and having that responsibility. Because yeah, I can see opening the year, losing a gig is gonna suck, but that's not your responsibility. Like you can't pay someone just to be nice.

No, I haven't fucking three year old dog. Those days are gone now. Those days are gone, at least I can't do it no more. I can't do it. I used to like help people out and stuff. And then people don't give a fuck. I can't do it. It's just,

every time I've had a manager in this town except Jeff Gellin, it's been a disaster. It's ended bad. And at the end, it just cost me fucking money. They make out because they got paid. They always make out. I fired them, big deal. I paid them for five months

during my hottest movie or whatever. And you're the one left with like the bad taste in your mouth. Yeah, because it cost me fucking money. It was a mistake that cost you paper is a mistake you never forget. And then you do it again. And it wasn't that this guy is not a great manager. Is that for right now what's going on in my life,

there's not much going on for him to do. The contract goes through CAA. He's gonna get it at the end, look at it and go, okay. He didn't call the club, he didn't do nothing. Right, so yeah, that's an unnecessary thing. That's a necessary thing. Unless now he's got huge television contacts. Listen, dog, there's a new show on CBS about New Jersey.

I know they need a garbage man. But let me call the fucking executive producer. I went to lunch with him last week. I'll take him out to lunch. We'll get a ride of the right, you went apart, something. Once a week, even once a week, he's worth it. Okay, he's getting me this, he's getting me that. I haven't done a movie in four or five fucking years,

Lee, four fucking years. 2013, right, I did Grudge Match. Wow, three years. Three fucking years, you know. So if you're gonna be my manager right now, my club work, my company should have taken care of it. I need everything else attacked. My company's taking care of it.

I just can't give you Gidas because you look at a contract and say, oh man, that's a great deal they're giving you. And it's not worth it to you to say, oh, I have this manager or that manager. No, unless they're no, no, no, no. Or any manager. No, no, no, I gotta call from my agent

and say, I'm gonna be in Boston. I love my agent, but I don't want him in Boston. And I told him this 10 times, I don't want you around, though. I don't want nobody around. I don't want nobody around. You know, I wanna zip in and out of a place. I don't wanna eat dinner before the fucking thing. I don't wanna eat dinner before the show.

So I don't wanna be by myself for three, four hours before the fucking show. I'm pretty happy by going to the gym and coming upstairs and I'm very happy by doing that. I could eat a sandwich upstairs, I eat light, you know. But I don't wanna talk to nobody before a fucking show. You know, it's just the way it is. What are we gonna talk about?

I gotta go to dinner with you for an hour and then I gotta talk to other people on stage where the people that matters, the other people that matters. The people that are paying to come to the fucking show are the ones that deserve my focus and my conversation. Not some agent or friend of mine that I gotta go to dinner with before the fucking show or talk to two hours before the show.

I don't wanna talk to nobody. You see me in the green room. We sit back there, we smoke a joint. We don't say much. No. It's just me and you. That's it, when you come to Austin, no. I don't even want the TV, I don't want nothing.

I don't want no movement. I don't want no movement around me. I just wanna relax. I ask you simple questions, you give me simple answers and you do the same. I.E., what's the color of the sky today? Blue, that type of shit. Anything about, anything out of that,

I don't want to really fucking, there's nothing to really talk about. I don't want people around because after the show, after two shows, what I want you around for? To talk to me about what? To ask me more fucking dumb questions. I just did two fucking shows. Is it weird?

Because it's that. Yes, it's weird. It has to work for you. Like that's like your work week. Yes, I don't want nobody to fuck around. I don't want nobody to fuck around. You and I, we do this. You have an understanding.

You're a fan of comedy. You walk around. I'll stay back there by myself. I don't wanna answer no questions or talk to nobody or be involved in a fucking station. I wanna be involved in a conversation four minutes before I go on stage. Four minutes, five minutes before I go on stage.

As I'm going to the stage, I wanna bump into you briefly and converse with you for two fucking seconds. And hopefully you have like a pair of a turban on or a pair of shoes that fucking bother me so I can say something to you, to your face, get aggravated enough to walk up to the stage and now I have a purpose.

Do you love confronting people like that? Like I hate you. Like if you know them, I guess. Sure, if I know them, I'll say really you gotta wear this shit tonight. I'm doing a show and then they'll know. They'll know what's going on. People like Rogan, Ari, Duncan,

no, I gotta get fired up before I go on stage. I don't wanna pick a fight with you. But I wanna ask you what the fuck is going on with your head that you got to wear those fucking, that T-shirt or that fucking dumb look on your fucking face or whatever the fuck is going on. I need that. I need to get sparked, you know?

I need you to get like put ranch dress and walk into my room, you know? And just, and what is that? Is it, you can feel it when you go on stage? Like you have more energy? Yeah, I just need five minutes of somebody aggravating me. I don't want an hour aggravating me. It just brings me down.

Oh, okay, so you'll start it. Like you'll initiate the competition then, okay. Yeah, no, no, no. You'll initiate it by wearing something or saying something fucking stupid two minutes before I gotta go on stage. Not you personally. Whatever the fuck wants to come, you know.

Oh, okay, I thought it was me. I was like, yeah. Sometimes you gotta do a bong head mid-podcast. It's a Halloween podcast, you know what I'm saying? Smells like Snickers. I didn't eat a lot of chocolate. No, I love Snickers. No, I think I ate one, I had a licorice.

She gave me a stick of licorice last night. Mercy's cheap, but the fucking can't, you know? She's not like, she's gonna give you a bunch of it. She's got her eye on it. She gave me some goldfish when she took them back. She had two of them, slobbered them up and tried to give me slobby fucking goldfish. I don't need this shit.

Goldfish covered in the flu. What about tonight when you go home? Like, my brother and I always used to hide our candy. Oh yeah, she's got the bucket. I just saw it when I went back to pick up that stuff. She's got buckets everywhere, that shit. She's got two buckets of candy. Yeah, and this could be one bottom haul, like that's,

that must be the best part about being a parent. As I was leaving this evening, she was sitting on the chair and she had already eaten a bag of M&M peanuts or something and chocolate was dripping down her face and over here and she was chewing on something and she was just about to open up another bag and my wife grabbed and go, one more bag and then we put the rest of the candy away

till tomorrow and she was cool with it. Yeah. She was cool with it, that's it. I'm happy for her. She had a good little Halloween. She had three nights of fucking trick or treating. Damn. And she had, she had drunk or treat.

One night at the church and one night at the fucking school. Who the fuck knows, Leigh? I don't, I don't, you know, it's, it's, I'm baffled by all this. I'm still blown away that I'm a parent. Nevermind doing comedy, nevermind doing a fucking podcast. I walked around with her face, she looked like a cowgirl with a hat.

I'm looking at her walking with 18 other kids in the middle and every time she bumped into a kid, a hat fell off. She had to stop and pick up the fucking hat. She didn't give a fuck. She put the hat right back on her head. So I'm learning from her, I think as much as she's learning from me. I'm learning about myself and her as much as fucking,

she's learning about me, I guess. So it's a pretty interesting part of my life, you know? I know you were nervous about having Mercy late, like being a little later, I guess, than they usually do. But it must be, and not even just with you, but it must be so cool for kids to have like, parents who actually have like actual life experience. Because like, I can't, there were kids,

and there are kids my age who have 10-year-old kids and that's great, but what if I had been teaching someone for the last 10 years, that would have been terrible. I'm having a really good time, you know? She's three and a half and it's great, I'm happy for her. She goes to school four days a week, you know? She got the fucking activities. But I think about the other side of that.

I think about like, I'm having a good time with her. I've never had this before in my life, you know? I've never had this calm, this, you know, a couple weeks ago, I had to clear my schedule for, and I gotta tell you, I was angry for 18 seconds and I understood where 10 years ago I would have been angry for an hour. And then I would have came to terms

that eventually she would have worn my heart. This time, I was okay with it. 18 seconds, I go, well, damn, I can't do that. Fuck it, this is what it is, you know? I've accepted those little things, you know? I'm still ashamed of a lot of people that don't understand my situation. In what way don't they understand it?

Do I have a schedule? I don't know, I'm breaking for nobody. Like, I have a schedule, I know what I wanna do every week. And sorry, this is what I wanna do. I have this type of time to fuck around. Tomorrow I got jujitsu, I got something at 3.30 and I got something from four to five, 15. I'm going down to do a spot and I'm gonna meet Shane.

And we're gonna talk and talk about pitching and shit like this, you know? Like, not baseball pitching, but pitching this fucking stupid thing we're trying to write. And that's what I wanna do, you know? Wednesday, I listen, I ain't going to Hollywood Wednesday day. I don't give a fuck, I'm going to drill class,

I'm going to jujitsu and I'm going to fucking whatever. Thursday, I might go to Hollywood in the daytime and take care of a few things. Thursday night, I'm gonna spot at the store. Friday, I'm not going up over that fucking hill. Saturday, I haven't decided yet that my baby's sitting with my wife, go to a movie at night or something,

just to get her out of the house. She been in the fucking house for the last three weekends. You know, that weekend I came in, I was supposed to watch the baby and she was sick. So she didn't get to do anything. She had been home for six fucking weeks. So maybe, I was just thinking maybe staying home one night this week,

letting her go to the movies, go get coffee, whatever the fuck she wants to do. You have to give them a break too, they can't just sit in that goddamn house, you know. No, Jesus Christ. I'm just trying to lose my, that's the only thing that's bothering me right now in my life. My location situation, I don't know,

this is where I want to stay yet. There's a lot of variables in my life, but I can't stay in these fucking people. The joke is becoming a reality. Every day I hate one more person. They drive me crazy, man. And the good Lord knows I try. Then do you think if you didn't have a kid,

you maybe wouldn't care as much, you'd just stay in here because it's work? No, if I didn't have a kid right now, I don't know. But the thing is, everything still applies with me. Like, I still don't think I could do a winter in the East Coast. I think you could. I think after a couple of weeks you get used to it. It's terrible, but it's not that bad.

And trust me, I hate snow. But the only issue for you, I guess, would be the traveling, and that's a huge issue is that you need to get out every week. But for me, I don't think it'd be that much of an issue. Unless you just flew March till fucking October and told everybody to suck your dick, work locally,

two weeks a month, that's the other option. November, you work in Jersey, December, you work in New York, and January, February, you work in Long Island in Boston. Yeah, you could do that, work the Amtrak schedule. Yeah, the Amtrak tour. And then March, start going back on planes and shit. So you could, that's a great plan,

Lee, I never thought about it that way. Yeah, it could work. It's, I'm nowhere near ever having kids, like that's not in my future right now. But I see what you're saying. Always remember, Lee, nothing's ever in your future. Right, that's true. Nothing's ever in your future.

Nobody fucking goes home and goes, tonight we're gonna make a kid, and by next year, you know, nobody does that. I can't always come surprise. I mean, some people- Really, you think it's mostly a surprise? Well, no, some people, you know, there's some women who will whatever,

avulate, whatever they'll avulate, and they gotta get dick that fucking night, like a werewolf or whatever. I thought most people didn't like that. I have no idea. I just always assume people like- No, some people do it, and all of a sudden people knock up pregnant,

and the next thing you know, you gotta adjust your life in nine months, or to think what you have to adjust your life for life to be like. And it's really no major big fucking deal. You wait, you wait, you wait, you wait. It's so funny. I always reference a movie that I saw,

and that's The Thief. There's a scene with James Cohn on Tuesday Well in the diner, and he tells her about this thing that happens to him in prison, and what's supposed to happen, and what he did, and what happens. And he goes, you know what?

Nothing happened. For all this time, I stressed out this situation that something was gonna happen, and at the end, nothing happened. And it's the same thing with anything in life. You just pick it up and run with it, and you learn as you go along. But if you sit there and look at it

from an outside of his eye and start reading books on it, you're gonna get all caught up and bullshit. Oh yeah. And that's what I didn't like, like a lot. I think parenting comes down to a lot of common sense. I think a lot of shit comes down to a lot of common sense. There's things I see that I can't believe that I'm not smart, and I'm the only person who sees that.

Right, so you think you're not the smart one, and you see it, so why don't these smart people see it? Well, these fucking people are walking around acting fucking smart with their little fucking hats and their little fucking dogs and shit, making them believe like they know something about life. Why are they acting this way? The fact that they wanted to walk across the depth,

and Lee, at 630, it's busy by Hollywood High. Oh yeah. Lee, it's fucking busy over there. And those people were driving past the Colfax, and I'm sitting there going, why is my daughter walking towards Colfax? And I even tried to turn them down the alley, and they kept going to fucking Colfax.

Then the dad got into the middle of the street, like to stop traffic, and cars were still whizzing back in. Fuck you. Is he gonna stop or random guy? Oh, I hate when people do that. Well, this is exactly what happened. Yeah, they think they're a crossing guard. Yeah, next thing you know, he's like,

kid's coming, all of a sudden your kid gets whacked by a fucking car. Fuck you. I couldn't fucking believe, I'm like, Terry, what's going on here? Go, no, no, no, excuse me. Why don't we walk down to the corner and make a left, and then walk around, and they're like,

oh my God, that doesn't sound bad. Look, those first three houses, the people on the porch is waiting for kids, and you guys wanna cross the street. And to me, I can understand where it's like, okay, well, there's the crosswalk, it'd be okay. But every other day, today in Van Nuys, there was a police chase.

And there's always crazy shit going on, and why take the chance? You won't stop with nobody, though, right? I thought I was fucking going crazy here. Oh, no, dude, I wouldn't go out before Paula. I wouldn't leave my house on Saturdays and Sundays, and go to like, at all, but especially to Ventura Boulevard.

It makes me so uncomfortable. Like, when we're going back to Boston, I was single for a long time in Boston. I used to hate going out Friday and Saturday nights, because it's when all the drunk people, all the people who go, they go, woo, and all that stuff, which is fine. They're young and having fun.

I did it a couple of times, but I'm not that kind of person. And then those are the kind of people who bump into you, who walk into you, because they're looking at their phone, and I just avoided it. But yeah, you can't live in your house the whole your whole life, so.

It's a struggle. It's like a jungle sometimes, makes me wonder how I keep them going under. Ha, ha, ha, ha. No, I just. And I think those people are everywhere now. Like, I don't think, like, let's say you move somewhere, unless you like, live with family or certain people.

Like, I think those people are just, I think everywhere's the same now. I think that's what. I'll tell you what I was seeing last weekend. I'm still baffled, and we talked about it. Grogan and I talked about it for 30 minutes before the podcast started. And then we didn't talk about it anymore.

During the podcast, we talked on it. And I was really starting to think about it. Okay, so I'm doing MMA junkie. Really, I want to thank those guys, George, and his brother, Ghost, for putting me on Friday morning to promote my show in Vegas. Stitch Duran was on, I had a great time, but while I'm sitting there,

we're talking about them moving the radars to Las Vegas. Ooh. Okay, and he goes, I go, so where's the stadium? And he goes, basically, right across the street. And I go, so wait a second. They're gonna put that fucking stadium in the middle of all this. So it's near the strip?

Yeah. Oh, no. That's gonna be, there's gonna be a lot of people dying there. I, so, I'm thinking to myself, listen. I watched the radars when they were fucking nasty. In the 70s with Matusak. I liked watching all that sickness. And then big John Madden was the coach.

I still remember that being a fucking kid, you know? And then the guy, I hit the guy on Monday night and crippled him, I think. I think it was a Monday night football game. You know, Lester the molester. I loved all that shit. But it became something else. Again, I don't mind watching a football game,

but when me and Ligo were 7-Eleven, and there's a guy in there with a rain of tattoo all over his fucking head and his neck, you know? I mean, I don't know, Lee. I don't know. So, the radars is another aspect to it. I'm just saying, having an NFL stadium right next to the strip with all that alcohol,

all those people, and two teams, one team lost, that's not gonna be good. The radars, I've only heard about it. I, like when I was just watching football, they were good, like Rich Gannon, I think they won a Super Bowl, or when I started paying attention to football, but I've only heard about the craziness

that goes on there. Have you been to a game there? No, no, no, no, no. But I know what happens at these games now. When every weekend I wake up, and I see a video, or they talk about it on the news, about an argument at a football game, these Rams games, you know,

I told fucking Bert Kreisch, I can't believe you got season tickets and you bring your wife down there. You know, what if there's somebody fucking hit your head with a fucking bottle, because you wanna go to a stupid fucking football game? My friend's got season tickets, he always asks me, do I wanna go down there?

I just don't wanna go to a game and get hit in the head, because I'm there trying to enjoy a fucking game. I don't think they're smart anymore. You know, you say you went to a game and you got up to get hot dogs, and the guys are talking to your girlfriend, and you know, and that's just, I'm not in the mood for all that shit anymore in my life.

I didn't see that in Boston. I'm sure it exists somewhere. I think maybe it's just the bleachers. I think maybe it's just worth it to pay to sit in the nicer places sometimes, but even then, what are you gonna do on the way out? Like it's the place now where the Rams are, and the place where they're going

are not fun places to be. But they're gentrifying an Englewood. Eventually. And it's gonna be next to the forum, correct? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's not gentrified right now. And neither is the USC area. Yeah, but let me ask you this. When is the proposed opening for this stadium?

I think it's like in two or three years, but let me check. Okay, in two or three years, they're gonna have more fucking, they're gonna have Bed, Bad, and Beyond down there. Oh yeah, they are. When you wanna chase black people out of your neighborhood, you don't call the Ku Klux Klan.

You put a Bed, Bad, and Beyond in that fucking neighborhood. Nothing scares black people more than Bed, Bad, and Beyond. They read that word beyond, and that fucks with black people. That word beyond, they don't like that shit. Beyond say, I'm on, but beyond, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. That's all, that's what's gonna happen.

Guarantee, you wanna scare the fuck out of white, black people, Bed, Bad, and Beyond? Not subway. There was another Firestone station that's fire bread, fucking bread that you're going there. I went there once. No, no, no, you don't even need to go in there. You can tell.

It's a chain that's making sandwiches. They're gonna cut edges and just give you shitty cold cuts. They're the cold cuts are good, but the cold cuts are garbage, and the bread's garbage. That's what, the whole thing about these sandwiches anymore is the bread is garbage. This is my problem, the Firestone one, is apparently they steam it, and the owner was there,

he was nice, but he was like, hey man, he probably shouldn't take that to go, because we steam it, so by the time, it's gonna get all soggy. I was like, fuck you. I'm like, that's what you do with the sandwich. I want my sandwich steamed like I want my balls licked by a fucking cat with sandpaper.

Dante Gazzini showed up the night in Las Vegas, looking like fucking Michael Corleone's driver. Nice, he lost a bunch of weight. He looks good, he looks good. I didn't get a chance to talk to him, you know, again. I don't wanna do dick before show, and then I'm gonna do dick after show. Now basically after a show,

I just talked to people for two fucking hours, and I just sat down for 45 minutes, and I got back up for an hour, which means every muscle in my fucking leg is sore. So after the shows, I wanna sit there and talk to these people, and take pictures, and fuck around. Dante and his friends were very nice enough

to invite me to dinner, and I tried to tell Dante that Friday nights, we usually go out with Mario's son. Remember Danny? Oh yeah, of course. Danny comes and we shoot out, and we just go get a dinner at his house, or whatever, he could kill him for whatever the fuck.

But it just so happened that I just shook Dante's hand. When I went outside that night, Danny called me and said, I'm not coming Friday night, I'm coming Saturday with my dad. If Dante were to hang out, I would probably end up to go eat with him, or he would end up go eat with us over at the Clem,

because we usually go to that fucking seafood bar. Right, yeah. But we were there until 10 o'clock talking shit again. You know, the show ends at nine, and you're out there until nine, 10, 10, 30 talking shit. You know how it is when you have to show, people go to the show, some people wanna smoke with you or whatever.

I ain't smoke with people, I didn't take nothing. Some lady did bring me candies, but I didn't take them till the end, because now I'm scared, because they threw you, I think I got everybody under the eye, and if they threw you out, they wanna throw me out next.

So I'm like, I ain't taking nothing from fucking nobody. I wouldn't even take a kiss from fucking people, nothing. But people missed you, you know? But I still like the South Point, not that. The reason why I like the South Point is for all the reasons we discussed. I know exactly what I'm getting. I got a good breakfast, I got a good lunch,

I got a good piece of coconut cake, I took three bites and threw it away in the garbage, I didn't even get... You want a coconut cake this year? Yeah. Not the strawberry shortcut. No, no, no, no, no, I wanna switch it up a little bit, every once in a while, I gotta switch it up.

But it's funny, I got to see our good friend Larry. Larry's a dynamite guy, and I said to him, listen, tomorrow I'll swing your kid by, but after radio, I went back to the room and got stoned and fell asleep, and I go, just bring him up to the room, and he came up to the room, and Steve Simone, and Larry had this boy up there,

that was his 10th birthday. That shit made me feel better than the fucking shows. Seeing how happy Larry was, and his kid was, you know, I'm the meatball king, I'm fucking Fox, or whatever the fuck I was on. Yeah, his kid, and he loves Steve Simone. He loves Steve Simone's comedy and stuff. You know, Steve Simone has his family-friendly comedy,

I'm listening to it together, and I'm like, these people are having a good time right now. They're about to run into a brick wall with me. He's up there talking about ice cream and dreams, and fucking pajamas and shit. And I'm about to go up there and talk about fucking Copernicke, you know, so. Where's that fucking music?

You were gonna play there. Monday, October 31st. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody, twice as smart as I. Or somebody who will swear to be true

as you used to do with me. Fucking tremendous. 50 years. And the fucking song still sounds fucking great. You know what I'm saying? That's what it's all about. Let me give some shout-outs real quick. Happy birthday, Matt.

Joey Alvarado, the fucking kettlebell king. Got some article printed, me and Rogan. We're talking about him on the podcast today. If you really want to get in jujitsu shape with fucking kettlebells, Joey Alvarado's your man. Brandy Lin always looking good with a new Joey Diaz fucking pirated shirt. Art Porn, Chris O'Hara, Thomas Eagle,

Lawn Rosenker, and Jeff Skinner. I love you, motherfuckers. And don't forget, 60 tickets left for the Wilbert Theater in Boston next Friday. Tons of tickets next. Left for November 12th at Fox Woods, what's happening? Oh, no, it's down to 40 something now, I checked. Really?

Yeah, so get your tickets fast. 40 tickets left at the Wilbert Theater. And I'm not adding those shows. I ain't that fucking type of monster. What you got is what you got, cock sucking. Ali Wong sold out. Fucking, they got a great lineup. Wilbert Theater ain't fucking around, bro.

They got a good lineup. The last time I was there, probably six or seven years ago, was to see Russell Peters. Those shit. Yeah, yeah. They've always had comedy there. But now it seems like they're focusing on it.

Well, they're going after a different, you know, echelon or whatever, I don't know. I like Laft Boston. I have nothing against Laft Boston. I think Laft Boston's a great club. You know, the agency just wanted me to move up and do this theater. So I said, I'll do it one time and see how it works out.

I didn't do it. I don't think I would do well. I just wanted to prove that I'm that, you know, I didn't know what I wanted to prove and I lost. So, but I'll give it a shot and see how it goes. I'm very excited about that. It'll be fun. Do you mind if I talk real quick about the old episodes?

Not good. So guys, there used to be a limit on how many podcasts you could have on iTunes, only the most current 100 episodes. Everything's always been available on our RSS feed. But real quick, what I'm going to do is I'm going to release them all, but some of you have it set on to download every episode. Please don't switch it to have it only download new episodes because I'm going to re-release everything,

but I don't want to kill anyone's data plan. It's because I opened it for a couple of hours. We got a bunch of downloads. I was like, oh, shit. So if anyone is just check your subscription and we'll be on the lookout. I'm going to do it on Thursday morning, I guess. And I'll do it Wednesday morning.

And just be on the lookout for it. And now that just means for everyone else that all 400 and whatever episodes will be available on your phone. I'm fucking brilliant. Look at you. Re-release like Ricky and Desi and Lucio Ball and shit like that. So yeah, Wednesday morning, 9 a.m. Pacific. I'll do it.

I've been having a hard time lately because I've been getting to this fucking Celia show on Netflix. I'm up there, you know. I don't watch it for a few days and I watch two episodes a night for three nights or something. And I'm up to episode, I don't know, 20 something right now if Adele took over. It's so weird to see this island.

And first off, I have to congratulate the writers of the show. They've done a phenomenal job so far. And I told my wife, if they mention Union City, New Jersey, I will fucking shoot myself in the head. I'll have to contact these guys because they really did their homework. So it's a show about a Cuban singer, but right now at this point Castro is taking over. The girl that was getting sexually molested by her stepfather

has left them gone to New York City and she's a successful singer. The young cousin to Celia Cruz is now homosexual and the Cuban Castro regime just beat him up because I told Rogan about this 15 years ago that when the Castro regime took over in the beginning, they hated gay people. They were killing gays, throwing them out of ships with fucking tied their hands and shit.

There's tons of stories about the Fidel Castro regime that the fucking gay people. I mean, there is so much going on in this TV show that is on point. You know, the racism that was in Cuba, how they tried to threaten Celia Cruz to leave the band because of the color of her skin. They said she won't sell records. The owner of the company, his name is Sidney Siegel.

He's a Jew, but he speaks Spanish. She's a Cuban Jew. I was going to say that's a pretty Jewish name. Sidney fucking Siegel, that's a great fucking name. But I also noticed that not once do they call them el Julio, the Jew. I don't understand why. And they say mulata, they say la delita, they say slang words on the show.

It's all in Spanish, but it's in whatever the fuck you call it when the words come up, you know what I'm saying? I listen to it and I'm really enjoying the Spanish because it's 60% Cuban Spanish. You think they would have called him just the Jew to him? They would have called him the Jew? No, behind his back they would have called him el Julio because Cubans do that shit.

They just say el Julio, they go by nationality. But the point I'm trying to make that which is really weird about this show is the religion that's involved in this, you know, whether it's the Santería side or just praying to the saints and what this, you know, when my wife said, look at that person, she couldn't be any more. When did the Irish invade Cuba? My wife said it as a joke.

And I looked at her straight in the face and I said, what do you mean, the Battle of the Boyne? When the Irish that didn't want to fight wanted to leave, they went to the only other Catholic country. Cuba is known as a fucking Catholic country. That's it. That's it, it's a Catholic country, you know, so all these Irish went there and there's a Chinese chick in the show

to really show the different ethnicities that ended up in this island. It was like an island, the fucking pirates that now had flourished and they had gambling. They don't show the gambling in this show, which really baffles me but they show this island in the 50s that's fucking successful and it has gambling and it has music and bands are coming to play there and, you know, it's just this, you know, the generations they don't know about this,

even I that was closer to that generation, I forgot all about this. I tell you what it is making me do, it's making me hate Castro again. Oh, really? All over again, like really fucking hate him. Did they just show news clips? What do they do? They show, they have an actor that's playing Castro and how, you know, how they took over homes, they went in there with a lie,

but they went in there at the perfect time, Lisa Ann. They went in there when Batista was making a mockery at an island. You know, Batista didn't care about that island for the last five years. It was Italian controlled, you know, it was mafia controlled, those casinos and basically Batista was just taking a percentage and Robin. He didn't give a fuck, Jack, and they didn't give, there's nothing they could do because what can they do? If they killed them, they had another fucking guy to deal with.

So Batista did whatever the fuck he wanted to all those years but at the same time, there was people dying of starvation in Cuba. You know, when I was a child, I heard these stories and when I got a little older, I heard these stories and I've seen the Cubans in my neighborhood show the hatred they did for Fidel Castro and I never could understand, like get over it. Watching this again makes me understand why.

It's really interesting what it's done to me watch this show and also made me understand something else. It made me understand something about myself. You know what kept me alive over those years when I was in the rocket ship and I went to jail and I was involved with my ex-wife and the kid when I was having all those problems. You know what kept me alive, Lisa?

What's that? My faith. I swear to God, I just realized that the last couple, last week or so that's how much I believed as a young man, you know. And Catholicism. Yeah, just Catholicism and the whole belief that I was being watched, that I had angels people watched over me.

I really... Did you abandon that before? Like when you were doing all the bad stuff? I abandoned that, uh... I abandoned that after the bad stuff, after my mom passed away. I abandoned it because I lost, like I said before, my belief system.

That's when I abandoned it because I couldn't believe it would happen, you know. If there was a God and if there was all these great things how could this happen at this age? Right. But it's... Even... When did you get it back?

Because I would imagine it would be a struggle to deal with doing some of the bad stuff and thinking you're being watched. I would think it from time to time all those years. I probably got a little bit of my faith back like in 2001 when it started coming back. You know, I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been writing a lot lately. It's really weird what love does to you in a way.

And even though I tried to fight Terry off Terry gave me some faith for a couple of years there. You know, just a little bit of faith. And I was shooting a short film. I was shooting a short film that... I went in there. I have no fucking idea what I went in there. And I booked it.

It was $100 a day. And they started breaking my balls right off the bat. Like we're gonna do rehearsals and I'm like, that's not gonna happen. What's the problem? It's a $100 a day film, brother. I can't rehearse this shit. I rehearse on the fucking set. Wait, when we're blocking, we rehearse.

He was a new director out of the USA. He was by the book. I had to break his spirit right off the bat. Was he still at USC? Was it a student film? No, he was just graduated. But he was doing something. And you know what?

I told him, fuck you. I was like, I ain't doing it. I told him in the audition. He goes, you know, if you booked this, we're gonna rehearse all next week. And I go, how much does this pay? He goes, it pays a lot. It's a day and you have three days on the set.

I go, what do the rehearsals pay? He goes, that's all part of the movie. I go, I can't rehearse for free. I was like, I ain't rehearsing. I ain't coming up here to fucking rehearse. You were talking about your schedule earlier. I loved when you had that meeting last week. And you were talking to our friend at the bar

and you were just messing with him the whole time. Just like, oh yeah. I'll say I'll go until the day of it. And he was having a heart attack. It really is the truth, Lee. I'm not lying to anybody no more. I can't do it. I can't do it.

I'm too old and I don't have the fucking time. And especially when it involves a plane. You know, there's just so many things that I just can't do. That just won't do. You know, when I'm sitting there and it's October and you're talking to me about a situation that's going to occur in April.

I'll talk to you about it. You sure, right? Yeah. No, come on. Really? You know, I'll talk to you about it. What am I going to fit it in? I don't fucking know.

Call back in March? Is that what you say basically? Yeah, call me back in March. What's going on? It's fun for me now because I know what your response is going to be. So whenever I see someone ask you a question like that, it just makes me happy.

Oh, yeah. Even my agents know. I'll tell you whatever the fuck you want to hear the day of. You know, while nothing's going on. Once I wake up, get up, eat cereal, then I really know if I'm taking that right over the hill. Then I really know. Then I really decided what I'm about to do

is that fucking important to me. What's the most important thing for me to do today? Is it really go over the hill? I got a bad sandwich with somebody to talk about shit. I've already heard it anytime. Not really. That gets canceled. This gets canceled.

This gets canceled. This gets canceled. It's that fucking quick. People are always surprised when I think find out about my work schedule. They're like, so when are you going to do it? I'm like, I don't know. We'll find out.

We'll find out next week. Yeah, we'll find out. We don't know nothing about nothing about nothing. That's what makes this the most interesting job in the world. It's actually kind of freeing. Not having to worry about it. Because you think you would have freaked me out before. That would have given me anxiety.

I know it still does. But listen, all you got to do is look on my account and go, he's gone that weekend and that weekend. I know I'm not working on this. Yeah, but that doesn't even work. Well, sometimes the gig just goes away. You're like a book something or maybe like who knows. Once in a while that happens.

Once in a while. But if you look at the two main comedy club weeks in a month, they always solve it. Yeah, those are true. But then sometimes you change the day you're leaving. So I'll. No, I'm always leaving Thursday. I've got it down to it.

The funniest thing about me is they'll call me and they'll go, listen, they life you. And I'll give them the number of the Wednesday night flight. Like this is late. They understand me. So you'll tell them you're coming in Wednesday. Sure. I'll get it.

I'll get it. You'll do the research to find out what the Wednesday night flight number is. You know, I don't fuck around late. If you know, I even do red eyes. If you don't catch it once I send it around either, you're just that stupid. Oh yeah.

And they're waiting for you at the airport with the sign. Sure, I just have a schedule like eight appointments. Yeah. Yeah. Sports radio. Go ahead. Drumming. Go ahead.

Oh, a podcast. Yeah. Sure. I'll break my fucking rule this time for you. I'll do a pop. Once they ask me about the podcast, then I really pull the plug on them. Then I give them to about four, 30 or five, six, maybe.

Let's say if it's fucking East Coast Club. Right. I'll do it about 7 0 1, which is 10 0 1 that time in the morning at night. Okay. Okay. So they're going to bed already with the pajamas. I'm thinking they're going to go early and go get pick up Joey Diaz at the fucking.

They think they got to wake up. They're already asleep then. They probably have to wake up early. They're already asleep. They're getting up at five to go pick up Joey at the fucking red eye and he just drops a bomb on them. They take the little snuggies off. Hello, Joey.

What's going on? Listen. I'm going to believe this. I was. This can only happen to me. You always open up, but you're not going to believe this. This only happened to me. I'm sitting here all fucking week, scratching my balls, sniffing my fingers.

Do you understand me? Nobody fucking gives a fuck about me. Just right now. Just right now. What time is it over there? It's 10 0 7. Yeah. Right now.

10 to fucking seven my time. I just got a call from a fucking casting director that they want me to audition for this role tomorrow. So what? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Does that mean you're canceling tomorrow? Come on. Will I do that to you?

I talked her into putting it on tape tonight, but I got to do it at nine o'clock. That's the only problem. That means I can't make the red eye. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don't think I could schedule that radio for you. Well, listen, it's already three quarters sold out Wednesday. What do we got Thursday? We got two 10.

All right. We'll take some pictures. They'll go on Twitter. Everybody's happy and we'll solve the weekend. I need your fucking and then when he gets off the phone, there's no audition. There's no vertigo. There's no nothing. You're going to have to start like keeping keeping a list of all your excuses.

I don't reuse them. Vertigo will last forever. I get vertigo whenever the check ain't right. Something. You know what I'm saying? Whenever something. Right. The check.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. Let me tell you something. If they make me an offer and it ain't right, I'll milk the offer to the day before the weekend. I'll sell a bunch of tickets and then I'll call my agent and we'll start working. Listen, call the club and tell them Joey's got vertigo.

You don't know if he can make it. He said, just look at the over for the first time. You're even must hate seeing your phone number pop up. He's like, I'm going to answer your calls on Wednesdays. It's always bad news. Doug, if I'm going to pay him 10% I'm going to make it mine. I'm worse than that has sitting you on the flight to fucking LAX that time that worked those fucking stuartuses.

I will work that agent to death if he gets me for 10%. I don't give a fuck, Jack. I'll make up fucking work. I'll switch weeks on just to torment them. You didn't need to switch the weeks. The funniest thing was, the funniest thing was I called him like in September. So listen, I can't make you no promises. But look at those weeks after the special.

I don't know how they're going to go. He's like, what do you know? What are you saying? They go, I don't know. I can't solve all of them. I can't believe you at least gave him my warning. Oh, I go to the world that might go. Connecticut might go and they weren't going nowhere.

I'm just tortured. I'm just to let him know who the Captain Kirk got the other prizes. I'm whipping him. I'm like, you know what? I might do Irvine, but you might cancel Portland. Portland? Yeah, we might cancel Portland. I might just take the rest of the fucking year off, right?

Oh my God. There's just silence. When you smoke weed, do you get evil thoughts and just call people? Please. That's my darkest thoughts where I'm sitting there by myself. There's a phone in the joint. I don't have to hear somebody talking to me and bothering me and shit. Those are my best fucking moments when I'm sitting there.

I could draw up shit in my head that'll put you down. And I even have a strategically when and when I could call you what times I could work you the whole night. I was talking to Paula because she's like thinking of moving in. She's moving in a week or two. And I was like, well, yeah. So Joey calls sometimes and she's like, what time does he call? I'm like, well, it could be two in the morning or six in the morning. And I'm like, well, and she's like, okay.

I just put the cell phone on vibrate. It's always on vibrate. It's just, it's fun. I almost missed the 6 a.m. phone calls. Like you had me on that regimen for at least a month. I'll put you back on the first thing tomorrow morning. I'll put you to the, I'll put you to the front of the line. That's like 10 to 6.

That's a good one right there. You have a schedule? I'd like a list. First off, you know, the people that call me the day time from miss us with no, with a number that I don't recognize. I call them at like 501 in the morning. They never pick up, but they baffled. Of course it's five in the morning. 435.

And then I call you, I call the people like at six. You just torment Los Angeles. I give them till six. If I see red man is doing that shit periscoping. I give him whatever time he stopped periscoping and I'll blast him right there. This house twice back to back. I'll make sure he answered that fucking phone. Even though so he went about like five.

I don't give a fuck. If I know people are doing blow. If I see him on Facebook and I think they're doing blow, I will call them and shit. Why do you need to torment these people so much? Because you have to. There was a friend of mine that's a comedian locally here and he would do blow and go on Twitter. And I would call them at like six and just start tormenting his life about fucking. Listen, though, I just got a call from the cops.

I would fucking torment them. I'm a professional. This is what I enjoy. I don't have a lot of things that I enjoy. This is you. I take peace on. You win all the time. When do you take peace on me?

Listen, if I get Larry as my as my witness this weekend on the other end of the phone calls, he's like that was hysterical when he was busting your balls. Listen, you was I could put you in a fucking insane asylum. I can put you on a 30 day way there. I've been Googling doing some Yelp researches. Listen to me in 30 days. I can put you in the same as I was asking questions going in there fucking dropping pink Floyd fucking lyrics and shit. But I like it.

You're a good kid and I don't get the satisfaction from cracking. It's people who think they're geniuses or I like to crack. Those are the ones that could put them on the small low crack program. How many people have you sent to the insane asylum? At least to 15. They must know you then there must be like a story of Joey Diaz. To the mental institutions. This is a kid on Facebook.

I was dear friends with him for a while. I loved him. I loved him like a fucking brother. I really did man. And I don't know. He just always felt like I put something on him. He went to a therapist and talked about it. Because years later he wrote me like this known on fucking Facebook.

You know you really messed with my head. We were kids. I don't fucking know. We were just playing around. I'm in for a lot of mental therapy. I was actually thinking about it to be honest with you. What were you thinking about? I was thinking I've never gone to therapy.

I've never done it. I was like fuck I'll pay for this insurance. Might as well test it out. I wasn't going to talk to the lady. I haven't called yet. Once you call and you go down there. They put your name in the file and then they ship your name to Washington. Now they put you in the looney bin.

Now you've been to the looney bin one time. Don't mean that you've been to the looney bin. Now they start sending you propaganda in the mail, right? Because they know you're half retarded, right? And they start sending you propaganda and they ask you about a national. Publicanda? Yeah, about a national diet and stuff like that. The next thing you know you're fucking.

They send you peanuts and you go shoot the president. You can't figure out what made you go shoot the fucking president. What made you go shoot the movie theater? I'm not shooting nobody. That's what I'm saying. You're not going to believe. You go tell them you're crazy and they'll make you crazy. You think so?

You don't recommend therapy? I mean, have you done it? When I went, I never knew what therapy was. It just sounded very distant to a guy like me, especially a young age. But when I was in the halfway house and I failed the blood drug test, they put me back at the halfway house. And then when I failed another drug test, they were going to put me in jail. Thank God I had a great attorney who negotiated a six-week stint at a place called Serenity,

which is now in a business. This thing went out of business 25 years ago. So I put it out of business now. Now I paid them and everything was great because you couldn't get the certificate until you paid them. So for me to have to pass this probation thing, I had to pay the certificate. They fucked me, but I didn't give a fuck. They kept me out of jail. It was six to nine every fucking night.

Five nights a week. Six to fucking nine. So if you left work at five, you had to go right to fucking... Did they have dinner for you? Did what? Did they have dinner for you? They had dick for you. Fuck.

They had a break at 7.30. You had a 15-minute break to eat your dinner if you brought it in. The women were very nice. I had never even gone to prison. I could sit here and tell you that I was put into groups. They never put me into nothing. There was zero rehabilitation for me as far as talking in there or anything like that. There was AA meetings and NA meetings.

And there was a group that you automatically paid for whether you got something out of it or not. I went to that one. So you might as well go. But I didn't go to anything else that I felt really... This was the first time in this halfway house. It was the first time where I saw the effects of therapy. And it started with talking and conversation. It felt like we started talking about a conversation and then they took that conversation and used it against me.

Every word literally. Now, there's one thing about me. I'm not a literal guy. What do you mean by that? If somebody's sitting outside that wall, I could get the cops called on me every fucking night. You know when we're fucking around you and I, and I go lead to a bond hand or you get going like, go lead, come on, eat a little mushroom or lead. We're going to eat a star together.

And you look at me and I just fucking around with you. And I just go lead, eat that fucking star or stab me in the neck. You and me giggle. But there could be a guy out there that takes that literally. And I'll downline one one and try to press charges or say he heard it on many times. Joey telling Lee he would stab me in the neck. Right. Yeah. This is sort of a long line of anytime there's a tape recorded scandal.

That's always my thought is that maybe like we don't know. You never know the whole story with that sort of stuff. So, I don't know about a tape recorded scandal. That would be a tape. I mean, I guess. I mean, who knows. What the fuck are we talking about? Literal.

Being literal. So I go into this therapy with these. So at the first thing you went, it was three people with one therapist. And you talk about your life and blah, blah, blah. Then the next day she came back and just laid into you. Well, if your mother smoked pot, do you think this was the reason you would smoke pot? I don't really know. Well, think about it.

What are you and it just became like they, they, they would dig on you until they found the scab. They would, they would let you talk about it. And then every time you, your skin would start to grow over that puncture wound. They would pick at it. That's what it felt like. Those are style therapy. That was their style or whatever. That's what I felt at that time.

And I didn't think that I think that there's some stuff sometimes that's meant to stay under the carpet. I think that we're right now at 53 men. If you want me to lie to you guys this time, I remember shitty things I did when I was fucking 10. You guys know me and I did shit when I was 10 and eight. I don't have the courage to talk about now. You know, it's not like I killed somebody or raped somebody or something like that. But this is creepy type shit, you know, that I was doing with, excuse me, excuse me. I was doing with friends and my mother's kids, you know, like they had daughters or something.

And I would sleep over and me and the kid, you know, we were young. We were fucking young kids. You know, we did creepy fucking things, you know, that was it. That I'm kind of ashamed of me. It wasn't that bad, but you kind of ashamed him. You didn't know you were just a stupid fucking kid, you know, right? But it comes back to fuck with you or you have any dignity or you have anything that you're made of. Those little things always come back and remind you, you know.

So now, like, I'll tell you, when I was a kid, my mom had a dry cleaner. She had a dry cleaner with a guy named Nelson Rivera and his wife, Delilah. They were really involved in numbers since, I think, since Delilah and Nelson ran the dry cleaners. They got extra percentages from the dry cleaner, but my mom bought into the dry cleaner. It doesn't really matter. We were all really good friends. Nelson, my mom and my dad had gone back to the fifties. It was now the seventies and they were still friends, dear friends.

Nelson and my dad had started a dry cleaner and this is how the relationship flourished. When my dad died, my mom stayed friends when she sold her half, but then Nelson opened up another dry cleaner in the Bronx and my mom bought into that one. They had a daughter that was two years old on me. She was two fucking years old on me. And on the weekends, sometimes they were divorced. Nelson and the girl's mother. So she would only get her at the other week.

So Nelson would purposely get her and didn't bring me up there, even though she was two years younger than me. I was two years younger than her. She was older than I was. Well, I don't know how long I knew her. One day we started making out, like kissing creepily and I would pass out. It was fucking terrible. I didn't know what I was doing. I was embarrassed and then I would suck on her titties.

I mean, we're like fucking cousins. I was sucking attendees and shit like that. We're blood cousins. It wasn't like we're really cousins. Not at all. I've never even... You don't think your parents were trying to get you to get married? At the age of eight?

Obviously not then, but... But I remember she was old. I'm exaggerating on the age because there was one point we kept doing it and she had hair on her pussy already. And I had no hair. We didn't have sex or anything like that. We were just kissing. Well, now I think about that because I have a daughter. Jesus.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's just how it repeats itself sometimes. You're like, ah. Okay. Was I sexually harassing that girl? No.

Was she sexually harassing me? No. They put us in a bed together. And on Saturday mornings, we'd wake up early, early, early, like at six in the morning. At that time, I'd have like a little hard on and she asked me what it was one time. And from there on, it was all over. She never sucked my dick. There was nothing like that.

We didn't have sex. There was nothing like that. We were too young and too innocent. We kissed and I squeezed a little boobies. But in the first grade, I gave Debbie Rodriguez, Debbie Dominguez 50 fucking cents and she showed me at 10, he's 50 a quarter, me and like six other boys in the playground. We were in the first grade. I never paid anyone.

I had a girl who I did sort of what your parents, like we had sleepovers. We had a fake marriage ones. It was kind of weird. Marriage. I don't know. Probably our parents. We went to Friendly's. We got our own table.

It was pretty cool. But I think we might have been like maybe eight and six, maybe around there. Maybe probably not even that maybe even five and four. It was young. It was younger. And when did the marriage end? How old was it? Oh, it was immediately.

I mean, we were friends, but I guess probably as I got older, it was starting to get weird. So they probably like you can't sleep well. That's probably at a certain age. I guess it would probably stop being cool for a boy and a girl to sleep over. I don't really, I don't really remember how old I was when I stopped though. But yeah, probably around 10. Yeah, that's a weird thing to have to worry about as a dad. I was such a Catholic kid that I don't think I could.

I remember I felt guilty about that, but I didn't think I could have sex. As long as I didn't have sex, I didn't feel guilty. Even at that age, I had to kind of deal with myself. But the next summer when I saw her, her pussy was a hairy dog and I was like a shock. And she's like, let me show it to you now with all the hair. And I was like, holy shit. Oh shit. Yeah.

I was, I was too young. I don't think I even knew about sex to be quite honest with you. I knew about it. I had heard about it, but I was shy towards it. It was just like kind of disgusting to me, but I like kissing people. I didn't know. I like dancing and kissing women. I like my dick getting hard and my head getting old hot.

So what the fuck are you gonna do? You know what I'm saying? Who doesn't like all that? Fuckin October is gone already ladies and gentlemen. This means that tomorrow when you wake up, you're going to start seeing Thanksgiving commercials and Christmas commercials. There's already Christmas trees. Somebody said it.

One of the, either Walmart or Kmart or something. They went last week and there was already Christmas trees on fucking sale. So there you have it. This petrifies the shit out of me this time of the year. We went to Walmart and they were on Halloween and they were already putting up the Christmas stuff. And it was pretty crazy. So this year went by super fucking fast my friends.

Super fucking fast. It's amazing. You sit here and you go, that's it. I kind of, I had to go home and take a nap after the Joe Rogan podcast. My fucking ears were bleeding from all the talking. It was ridiculous. It was tremendous. I had a good time there with Jesus Christ.

But it's just, you can't believe it. I look at things sometimes, unlike you guys. I like to look at the calendar and go, wow, it's October 11th. We got this much time left. No, son, bro, we were just getting excited about the special. I know. And now it's going to be here. Okay.

Once November hits, it's a month and a half away. Yeah. So in two hours. Wow. Time is flowing this year, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, we got some interesting, we got some interesting new sponsors this week here. This one is the best one. I like this one so far.

It's a great deal. And I've asked Larry, Larry is a driver and I've asked him, you know, I gave Lee, Lee, you've done lift before. Oh yeah. I've driven in as a writer. Oh, you've driven and been a writer for lift? Absolutely. And you've always talked about lift.

You still use lift. That's the one I prefer. It's a nicer experience. It's a friendlier experience. They're always up front. I like that you can tip. You can tip these people. That's what a lot of people like that.

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Sign up for lift.com slash joey today. And right now, lift has a special offer for our listeners. Get this, a $500 new driver bonus when you sign up using our show. Just go to lift.com slash joey today. So you can start making extra guiness and get your $500 new driver bonus today. That's lift.com slash joey. Again, that's lift.com slash joey. Listen, you've been looking for a job.

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Go to lift.com slash joey today. Get a $500 bonus on us. Okay. Let me tell you something. When I had an opportunity to work with these guys, I had a jump on it. Because a friend of mine had one of these MBMT watches. And I loved how it looked. The problem with me is I got this guerrilla paw.

And every time I get a watch, they break. I do something. So I pass it on to my Goomba Lee. And he loves to watch. So that just goes to show you, we don't play games here on the church. What's happening now? MBMT watches pronounced the movement. Jack was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank.

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It looks nice. I really like the black on black. It's easy to tell the time. And it feels great. And it looked great with that black suit on. Absolutely. Now the company started by two broke college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches but couldn't afford them.

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It's a holiday. Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMTwatches.com slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H. This watch is really clean design. Seriously. I've been getting compliments. Lee's been getting compliments ever since he put it on. Now is the time to step up your watch game.

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What do you think about that, Lee? I love them. I love your watch. And I'm happy you love it. Don't forget, it's always there for you. They've been there for us. Every time I fly, the alpha brain, the powder, boom, boom, boom. I'm back.

There's no jet lag. I don't feel like battle and go see afterward. I'm ready to sling dick and give out bubble gum. I'd also love to welcome ziprecruiter.com. A friend of mine turned me on to these guys and he said they were great. Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? Posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates, all right?

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But what I've heard is if I was looking to hire somebody, this would be it. So go to ziprecruiter.com and put in church and you can post any job listing for free. What do you think about that? It's a great deal. Yeah, it's a fucking great deal. If you have a business, you're looking for people. It's the holidays. This is the time of the year.

Don't forget me and Leo be at the wool batina. What's the date, Lee? The 11th. 1111 and 1112 will be a Fox Woods at 730 at night. We'll be out of there by nine. Maybe we could catch the last fire in the UFC right there at the casino. That's how we roll, bitches. Thank you for rolling with us this month.

Thank you for all the downloads this month. Thank you for helping us out with the taping. Listen, I love all you guys, right? You motherfuckers. We wouldn't have nothing. We figured it was Halloween. It was going to be a dead fucking thing. We'll be back Wednesday or Thursday morning with a new podcast.

All right. See you then. Don't forget about us next Friday at the Wilton and Saturday night at the Fox Woods Country Club. This show was brought to you by Lyft. Drive for Lyft, the ride sharing app that lets you be your own boss, pick your own hours and earn up to 1500 bucks a week driving your car. Sign up today at Lyft.com slash Joey.

That's Lyft.com slash Joey and get a $500 bonus when you sign up using our show. That's Lyft.com slash Joey, 500 bucks, great for the holidays, just extra money, whatever you need it for. It's Lyft.com slash Joey. This show was also brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Use ZipRecruiter to post all of your jobs to hundreds of job sites, including social media like Facebook and Twitter, all with a single click. Our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free.

All you have to do is go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. That's right. ZipRecruiter.com slash church to post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free. This show was also brought to you by MVMT Watches. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash church to get 15% off of your order off of the off of their great watches that start at just $95. I am myself and wearing the black on black watch is great. And I've had it for a few weeks now.

It's very light and comfortable. And I like I love the way it looks. So go to MVMTwatches.com slash church to get 15% off your order with free shipping and free returns. Who are you looking at me on weird for like every $22. I don't know. What do you see when it's agreed? I'm going to make some persecution.

My mother was a queen. But I didn't see how I needed my man to be. And now I spend my time to get on the road. For a man that's known to be proud. It's a lot fun and real. I'm never gonna stop searching. I'm gonna find my man. I'm gonna try my luck.

So I'm all about time. Yeah, I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I come here to get you. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time.

I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time.

I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm all about time. I'm never gonna stop searching I'm going to find my met up I'm gonna try to run

I'm never gonna stop searching I'm never gonna stop searching I'm never gonna stop searching I'm never gonna stop searching I'm never gonna stop searching I'm never gonna stop searching I'm never gonna stop searching I'm gonna find my met up

I'm gonna try to run Shut up my child I'm all about child Yeah, all about child Come in and get you Ooh, yeah, yeah