Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #427 - Mick Betancourt

Episode Date: November 4, 2016

Mick Betancourt, writer, storyteller, and host of "The Mick Betancourt Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.    Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.     Recorded live on 11/03/2016.


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Washes your muffler your scrotum your helmet the back of your thighs Just in case you got some monkey grease back there or you left some Vaseline from two weeks ago And that's it go to hello tushy comm. What do they get Lee if you go to hello tushy comm? And enter promo code church. You're gonna get 10% off of your order We honestly get it get it for your friends get it for your family fucking holidays every bath in your house. Nobody Nobody has a fucking bidet, but everybody needs one. It's like a tie. It's like handcuffs. You know I ain't nobody needs them Nobody coming in when you don't but they fucking coming handy go to tushy comm. What do they get Lee? Hello tushy comm hello tushy comm. What do they get hello tushy comm slash church you get 10% off

On it talk to me you go on it.com news covert church You're gonna get 10% off of your order of all of their amazing optimization tremendous alpha brain new mood shroom tech shroom Tech sport shroom tech immune. I can't tell you all the great things you get a little older You're feeling under the weather you can't remember where you put your fucking car keys Alpha brain is for you and they got a hundred month hundred percent money back guarantee Go to honor calm right now on the way out and your promo code church to get 10% off. Boom kick this fucking horse Lee and then Just go to a seesaw.com

It was a de-escalating right there. We were we were to peek and I dipped a little kiss it Oh shit That type of day here at the church cop suckers little nucleus. I heard on a Studio 54 radio on the way here. You're gonna kick it up Lee. I'm gonna fucking. I want to be a death on my life Let's do this shit Wow It's gonna be that type of show ladies and gentlemen, it's a good one today. We ain't fucking around. Oh shit. Oh shit Makes it spank that ass. Oh shit. Here it is. Here it comes. It's gonna rub up against you a little muffler right now

Oh Delta 88. Yeah, this is it. This is this is summer of fucking 84. Yeah, break dancing with the pledge great busting the cardboard out Breaking down boxes so you can dance on the corner and battle people B boys The weird thing is I like to be from this jam But the thing I like them is the guys rap kick it leave kick it kick it kick it leave all the way blow up the fucking speakers Lee blow it Down with the radicals

The church what's happening now cop suckers kick don't touch that controlling Walk over this fucking sound Come on Here we go, here we go Take that coin little cop suck. Here we go. Here we go. Oh shit Oh, shit Oh, shit Now you're going into the darkness of the jam. Here we go

That's fucking oh my god This does not even this does not end I could close my eyes and take myself back to a dance floor and you're losing it You got a gorilla biscuit in you. You got a couple lines of token. Not even just dancing with some hot chicken shit She's hittin up on you. What are you wearing? You're rubbing your helmet on their fucking the side there But most importantly, man, you're really fucking digging the music. Yeah, and then I went to see him live They blew my mind right here. Watch this rap Lee says one rhyme at the end

My head always blows up, man Two turtles with a mic and I learned to rock like a dollar And I knew one day I would rock the nation. So I made up my mind What and what the jam on production? What ghetto fucking crazy, man. Selfie's work Listen to this shit Come on, motherfucker. Light that joint up. I'll be telling you right now. Listen to this shit Oh, shit And you haven't heard the word nigga one time. There was respect. You understand? Listen to this shit

Oh, it hasn't stopped. This is like jave david yomo's guitar on dog. It don't stop coming at you Get down And with jammons riding everybody Damn moment, damn moment And then the other guy jumps in the head fucking y'all goes. Really? Here we go It's what's left to erase us from the residue. I'm telling you right now. He's throwing it Superman He's throwing Superman in the mix what black dude shows up with Superman

This is what I'm talking about in 84 84 who shows up for Superman Around the world without missing a beat It's too fucking good too good. This is too fucking good People at home like what the fuck is he got me listening to? Oh, this is shit, right? Let your shoes go Your foot's tapping right now. This is a jam in the half This go cryptomate Don't stop don't stop me. Don't stop me Great

Here we go Too much I might do a fine hit about it. Here we go. Here's the head movie Here we go So jam on a jam on it. I said jam jam on it. How bad is this mother fucker? Cruises I remember snorting three eight balls for this fucking jam and couldn't wait for my head to blow up kick this Welcome to the church of what's happened now My main goomba Lisa I at my main mother fucker In Chicago today from the fucking heart of Chicago

Not one of these oaky dope motherfuckers with a blue hat on with a sea of walking around today Because I bet if you go to fucking Starbucks, you're gonna see all the fucking fair weathered fucking jerks That don't do dick about dick. They just show up They don't know nothing Congratulations, brother. Congratulations to a fucking city that deserves it with all their fucking I mean, you know just just when you go there It's a pleasure to go to that fucking city and they even talk shit about the airport. I don't give a fuck Sometimes it's worth the walk. Yeah. Yeah, you're a fat fuck. You need to fucking walk walk. You're fucked walk

Well, I got a little electric sidewalk That electric sidewalk don't do dick for nobody by the time you get there ices will show up on the other side It'll tell you about that though when you book the ticket Jesus that fucking walk is brutal You don't want electric sidewalks. Huh? You don't do electric sidewalks. I take everything that can help me out When you're in a rush that electric sidewalk don't do nothing It feels like you're going back in time when you land in ohara It's all every man for himself. Dude. I'm a chubby guy. I will sit on that electric sidewalk and not move not in chicago You won't be able to go straight on you to get past you straight on you right in the neck and shit with that luggage

And not give a frenchman's fuck When you're in ohara, you got to walk that fucking electric thing like it's the last walk of your life Yeah, you got Jackie joy and don't fly and don't connect in detroit when you got to walk under the airport at six in the morning That's the blue lights and shit and you think you're in the twilight zone people have no idea That I fly in the middle of the night. I fly a vampire shift We've we've seen each other a couple times on flights in vegas, right? Yeah Pussy flights southwest that was fun. I fart everybody smells in the back They don't even have fucking recruitment back there. They don't even that every every time you go southwest

That's every man for themselves when you just have a fucking thing of the flu But southwest ain't bad It just gets you there in two hours like when you get on southwest, you know, you're gonna get that. Yeah Like it's like a drunk uncle. He's around. Yeah, he'll give you don't really want to take it But i'm not driving lax to take some fucking virgin who gives a fuck no southwest is southwest is okay The one the terrible one is spirit. I I almost looked into flying that in a couple weeks. I couldn't do it in the frontier They don't even the insurance company just hangs up on you because they know it's a loser You see everyone in spirit in frontier in their seats with floaties on just in case

They got rosary beads in their fucking hands and shit It's like, you know, you know, you want a frontier lost my luggage. They found it two countries away You know, what I said, dude, just leave it there. There was nothing in there I went on frontier. That was horrible with a buddy pass It was one of the worst flying experiences of my life. First, we got to land in Denver They got a big electric sidewalk. That's another airport. You don't want to connect Uh Where else did I end the spirit spirit?

Spirit is the southwest of the south, I guess Oh, okay. So what you do is let's say you got to go from Atlanta To Orlando Atlanta to Chicago. They're not bad. They got xm radio. So you can listen to the disco classics Gotcha, listen, whatever the fuck you rent the rock classes Like I said, listen, the whole experience of flying has really changed in this country the last 20 years I look at it as a part of doing business people take their fucking shoes and socks off and put them on People's chairs or on the armrest. They put their bare fucking hoofs On I see that. I see it's unbelievable. Can you imagine? I just look up saying pray for them

Planet you got to live on to put your foot that close to a nut like unwelcomed On I mean that if you put your feet next to me, I got to say something It's going to be a fucking problem on the flight. Yeah, you know In those middle aisles, that's where immigration goes all the time. Those people don't fly a lot and they they act It's horrible. Listen, when I see a guy with his feet out I say two prayers one for the plane to go down and then I retract it And I say I hope it gets diabetes in his feet those sticky pringles and shit. They're not wearing it. I can't I'm not talking about flying in that way. It's even on the other aspects how they treat the consumer

Yeah, they really don't give a fuck. They don't give you updates when you're there You don't know what misery is to you stuck on an airport and for you people right now. Listen to me. I know I know It might be the last time you see grandma. Listen to me listen to me 10 more days ain't gonna kill grandma. Okay You get a plane ticket on january 4th. You're living like a doctor. You come back. There's no lines. You got no fucking drama Everybody who wants to fly out in christmas every time I tell you right now

You want to go fly out on christmas time? And I'm not talking about the people leave on the ninth They're kind of intelligent. They're kind of intelligent There's some people leave on the ninth and make three weeks of it But not everybody's in that financial gain that you could take off fucking three weeks Then you just got to take down a good score wherever you're going Yeah, you got to make moves where you're going to make up for the week. You had to lose some call me up I'll hook you up with fucking 22 pounds of edible By the time you get there even if you don't get high your whole fucking family will be hot

Every time we travel you say I have to like mule something or when we get there my last time I had him going to the airport The last time I started here I gave him an edible in that night after we got off the air I go listen tomorrow There's a dude because we're going to fucking texas I go some guys on me at the airport. I said it all up He's gonna give me 30 large On the way down envelope you drop it off over there. Just drop off your suitcase. They'll give me 30 large He started with the question 12. What's in the envelope? You're concerned. Well, you don't eat first of all then you need this 30 fucking large

It's gonna be started 30 large. It started at like 10 and every every time we send a good number Yeah, it's a good number but not for federal prison and it tends a round number Do you think I would fucking do anything to you to keep you in the federal prison? Yeah, the fucking if you mule something it's because it's taken care of from a to fucking z Can I can I just say something here on your behalf? Do you think let's hypothetically say you got caught right? Yeah, and you go to federal prison Okay, and you get brutally fucking raped in the shower. He will not get raped. No, but just hypothetically He's got a mission next

No, no, I know but but thank god i'm on an edibles right now. I'd be having a panic attack But see how nervous and nerve-wracking that would be but what happened when you got to your bunk and there's a little card from uncle Joe, that's right saying Hey, thinking about you. There's a bidet waiting for you at home. You know what I'm saying? Hello tushy.com Listen to me leave syac I would Ten is a great number. That's a that's a hot rock for a move. Even when I was doing that flight shit I knew I had it covered 90%

Because the most important coverage you need is in your mind. Do you know that? You gotta be centered. You know people always say to me. Well, joey you fly with weed. No But if I did there's times I have a bag Listen last time somebody gave me wax in new york at at carolines or whatever. I was a gotham I performed with gothams every year and I was a gothams somebody gave me a wax pen with a fucking chunk of wax And I had my t-shirts my buddy was selling me t-shirts I brought the little bag I got a little luggage bag for like when I go to vegas for two days Phoenix really small two-night gigs. This is the moob merch

This was old merch. This is a couple years ago two years ago and some guy put it in and I took it and put it in the side zipper The only times I flew with that little fucking bag. I just forgot I forgot it was in there Do you have any fucking idea how many times like it was like a year later? I went in there and I go, holy shit I've been flying for a year with a controlled substance. You get caught in an amp over weed That's one thing These fucking idiots that fly with vapor pens and waxes and shit. That's a controlled substance. Oh, really? Yeah, if they want to be Evil scumbags at the end of the day

Yeah, and then they're gonna go in your luggage and I gotta find three more of those tubes And that's two years of peace. You know, you have to get an attorney and bubble That's mandatory sensing round ish. You never know. Yeah, it depends on what mood you're in. You never fucking know Yeah, you never know. You never know. Fuck. You never know what they're fucking thinking. That's why I'm real Wax I've been out of the game for a minute wax is this fucking thing they make and you have to get a nail made out of metal And smoke. Oh, I think it's too much heat sit up, right? It's too much drama for uncle Joe. I'm too old My wife can't have a blow torch at the house. I can't have a blow torch to get high It don't mean that fucking much to me. Okay

I take two hits off a bong. I'm fine. Everybody's happy. You know, that's it. I'm goody goody Why do you gotta complicate you? Yeah, you gotta go. It's always complicated We live in a society like I finally put it together there We don't complicate things for ourselves. I went trick-or-treating and the kings of complication are Gentiles Nobody loves complications more than Gentiles. Now you're gonna understand the story. I live on cofax Okay between Chandler And uh and deeper down there like by whatever the fuck it is In my neighborhood there's a bunch of kids and there was houses

We didn't have to walk on cofax We meet the kids knock on the door my little daughter season and goes daddy. I'm following the kids I mean that little bitch ran out of the fucking house. I'm chasing her down the street with my cowboy suit on And she's a little girl, you know, she wants to be with the rest of the kids. That's 15 kids And I could tell by each look at these parents. They're all momoed up, you know, two of them in outfits They were nice the English women were nice But the people who were just from the neighborhood the white people that had walking their dogs at the same time tripping the kids You know, it's always got to be something. Yeah, this is about kids. Not the fucking dogs. Take the dog somewhere else. Yeah

So now we walk down and they're like, so what's our move and then here these six parents You know who actually live in the area We get we're 50 yards from cofax. Now my thinking is there's a driveway right above cofax To the left and go on to the next block and just zigzag the blocks this way. Let me cofax. Yeah all together busy Especially it's 5 30 Well, yeah rush hour on a busy street. Oh, no, no, no They couldn't so we finally convinced them to go down cofax one block and make the left

And go into deep into the neighborhood. So by the next time I'm trying to tie her out my daughter You know I'm trying to tie her out. She's been at school all day Halloween and and shit in my mind this trick or treat walk is to tie her out. I get to burn some calories Yeah, so we walked maybe two blocks An hour later now it's pitch dark Guess what they want to do one of the mom says I just got a call From one of my girlfriends and there's a huge neighborhood with kids a trick or treat and it's over on best looking whatever She says it out loud. So all the kids here, right?

And she goes that's fucking party file number one And I'm like, so where is this place and she's like it's across cofax all the way down by marie etc and it's 7 o'clock 7 30 and I'm like I look at my daughter. I look at my wife and I go terry I'm not going to cofax with this child This is when people get hit by cars and says you don't know what happened These are the type of events that if you're not paying strict attention Something happens somebody's child and you're a witness to it and you go what the fuck

But in my mind these people did not stop till they went on cofax with these kids Then they wanted to stop traffic, you know, that's shit on the east My kids are special everyone should stop say that this guy's drinking, you know, you drive past something you go That was a quick one. I just missed that by an inch. Yeah Because this time your mind doesn't allow to see you Halloween, maybe you eat a pot cookie at six o'clock. Who the fuck knows? But that means you got to walk across cofax and then walk back and you have some dingbat parent who thinks putting their hand Yeah, no, no, no, no is going to stop the fucking car the first parent when he did it

The cars just drove by past them and the kids are three feet from him I looked at my wife and I go, you know what these are people who love To complicate things They can't sleep at night until something, you know for their friends to impress somebody They kid there's 22 fucking blocks of walking we could have walked 22 blocks and not seeing cofax But they weren't content Until and that's why sometimes when I read stuff or see stuff on tv. I'm not in shock anymore now This is what really burns me up in this situation

Excuse me I got seven I got left back in the seventh grade I dropped out of high school You know, I'm just a half a fucking mutt these people all college educators all walk around like their socrates That's what really kills me. Yeah, but when it comes to simple life decisions They're the dumbest fucking people They pay 250 grand to get dumber to get dumber and then they move into a certain area and they dummy up to that area And they and they don't even see the right. They don't even see the fastball coming down the fucking pipe It's a that's when I was walking on my daughter my friend saying why are you quiet? I told her later

I go it baffles me that I'm a street fucking urgent And I have more common sense than these fucking parents ever would have in their fucking lives Then they wonder and this doesn't end to one of these kids ends in a morgue or something like that And then they sit there and go, what did I do wrong? You were you were taught it You were taught it. I mean you just have to it's just and you know the kids are gonna grow up to be like the parents Like you ever go to when you drop your daughter off at school The parents are out of their fucking minds cutting everybody swearing

Veering in how do you think those fucking kids are gonna grow up to be? I just drove by a school on sunset that they had to literally put cones and stuff in the middle of the road Because people were just dropping their kids off at sunset. They're like you can't it's we you cannot drop or pick up your kids on sunset Boulevard and they had to literally put a sign and cones like really they don't give a shit so entitled so fucking douchey It's uh It's really something we had to fucking see the reason why I wanted you on the podcast is we had a conversation maybe six weeks ago And it was one of those conversations if you got off the phone with somebody you know, that was fucked up That was a fucked up conversation. I mean I wasn't I wasn't angry at you. I just learned something

Like I had a conversation with you Make about your podcast and what was going on in your life and you told me you know what i'm just shutting the lights on everything I'm in a decision. I just yeah my last podcast yesterday. Yeah, I wrapped up the office And I I got up the phone and I go this is a guy that's doing great with a podcast It's at the peak time you pulled the ship out Yeah, yeah, I did what happened So my schedule this is gonna So I'll give you a snapshot of what my life was I was getting up at about

Between 5 30 and 6 a.m. And I was going to bed between midnight and 1 a.m. Every day seven days a week. So I was working on a show for fox, which is going to premiere In march of 2017 called shots fired amazing show The most elevated storytelling i've ever been a part of in my life right so i'm challenged in that area I got this great podcast going on i'm doing that once a week drops monday Was having a little hard time getting the caliber of guests that I wanted right and so I was like do I just miss a couple And then if I miss a couple I'd see the numbers go down and I'm like, you know, this has to be I'm preaching hustling on the podcast That's the whole my podcast is about being passionate about your life and hustling right so i'm like fuck

I don't want to give anybody a a sub par product. So i'm like all right, let Then a guy says to me I've been sober for 14 and a half years married two kids Uh sober and an anonymous program that part of the deal is you don't say the name But a lot of that took a lot of my time And that's a spiritual program where you got to like lean into god a little bit. I was raised catholic I don't necessarily Jive with that anymore. So I don't know who or what god is but I believe that there is a god and I just throw

I throw my uh my spirit to that without the risk of sounding fucking cheesy to that every day when I get up Hey god, whoever you are whatever you do give me the strength and the courage to be the best man I can't be in every area of my life. That's the general are right So a guy who I work with says uh, man, you just broke down your schedule. I'm only giving you a snapshot I'm also going up and I'm doing stand-up three to five times a week. I'm working on this show. I'm doing the podcast I'm writing a book. I'm developing two shows you and I met a couple times about some things you had going anybody that I truly respect and You were dead and I'm a dad. I'm raising two kids

I mean it was so my guy says to me this and it really floored me He goes, hey, that's a that's a pretty busy schedule and I go. Yeah, he goes. Where's god in that? And I just it it was like a stick in the spokes that I had been so Intensely managing every moment of my life Trying to work it and ring success out of it or ring happiness out of it that I had a bit of moment of clarity specifically with my podcast which I've done for fun and for free for three plus years About how do you lead a good life? What does that mean? And I've had academy award winners championship fighters on there NBA champion coaches

Gangsters hitmen, you know wide gamut of people And I just had this moment of clarity that with the exception of my family. I'm letting everything go I'm just going to let it go and see what happens. So I let the podcast go. I gave up my office Um, I'm pitching two things next week two tv shows. I'm really excited about but outside of that that actually came after I let everything go So Book no more stand-up dates. No more storytelling dates. No more public speaking dates. I do a lot of public speaking on hustling No acting stuff nothing and I just got quiet It just got quiet and I was left with my family

And just being a fucking man and and making breakfast for my wife Spending time with the kids and I got rejuvenated I got inspired and I felt I feel right now Like I'm 19 Like it's not it's not I'm 42 now and I should be peeking out as a writer and Good as a producer and then I'll you know, I'll take in the downtime. I'll book, you know, six weeks on the road That may or may not happen But if it does it's going to be with new zeal and new perspective and a new appreciation

I set everything down and I'd like to make an announcement on the show man because your show Uh with your help as well is one of the shows that put my podcast on the map by you guys being kind enough for having me Really you guys The crab feast and burr chrysler's podcast and uh jaymore those four Really drove people to my show But i'm happy to announce that i'm going to be starting my podcast up again And I have not released that at all Were you bored without the podcast? I mean bored without it

I'll tell you I got you know by letting everything go. I wanted to see what came back and what what what you know Not grading my uh success or or who I am based on how I'm received by others But the impact that that podcast was having I think I underestimated it by how many people were profoundly impacted by it By the emails that I got when I said hey guys. I'm setting this down for a while I got emails from all over the world that were stunning And um, I I don't think I could after reading all of those Not do the podcast I think I have to because if the whole point was to set everything down and see what comes back

You know no comedy club called me and said hey, we'd like you you know come do a week and uh You know Tucson that didn't happen Who called were the networks? Hey, what shows are you thinking about developing? Theaters called and said hey, we would like you to do an hour because you know, I do these storytelling things where I just come out and What I learned letting all of this stuff go was I've done stand-up on NBC HBO. I've done the Montreal. I've done Chicago comedy festivals It never felt right to me And I performed at the all the best clubs in the country. I've performed at a lot of them

I'm a storyteller man. Just like you. I need to tell stories I like telling them in theaters And I've been trying to jam it down a comedy club's throat And I don't think it's fair to that audience and I don't think it's fair to me And I learned that by setting it all down So I did a gig up in san francisco right before I let everything go You know hundred seat black box theater jammed it sold it out beautiful night did an hour Great stories some were sad some were funny some were heartbreaking, but it was an experience

And it wasn't like be funny every three fucking you know every two and it's not my jam now So I think not to say I'm better than stand-up, but I've let that go and I did it for 20 years When you tell the story what people don't understand is when you tell a story the humor will come out in the story Exactly naturally. Yeah, if you have to sit down and add those tags I could see it while you're telling me the story That you've added this to the fucking story in a fucked up way to describe something I love a story when it's just from the heart and the humor will find itself in that fucking story exactly and I think Everyone like a comedian, you know when we go do I played clubs for 20 years right and I've just set that down

Invariably, there will always be someone that comes up and goes. I think I'm funny. I could do this and that's great And you tell my you know started open mics whatever I think people feel the same way about storytelling I could tell a good story and maybe you can't but can you captivate it? You're a great storyteller. There's really like 20 of us out and it's not a big there's a lot of comedians But there's not a lot of people are like I tell stories and they're like well What's that going to be like come fucking see me Come see me sit down for an hour. Let me grab you and then an hour later if you don't like it I'll give you your money back

But we're not fucking around we've lived a life now. I'm going to give it to you I'm going to give you an hour snapshot of a life that I've lived that would have killed you 40 times over And I'm going to talk about what it's like being on the other side of that And really give you something that has depth and weight and humor And I only learned that by letting all this stuff go. It was profound man. It's been Three months imagine I'm I have that schedule and I go to three months of radio silence And it's been the most beautiful Invigorating thing listen guys. You need that. We've been fucking banging it for years

And it's nice to take a break. You know here's the thing that I Deal with a lot of podcast people a lot of podcast people hit me with emails and questions and and I think that A podcast is like stand up. Just do it Just do it and the more you do it It takes you somewhere and what your show theme will come out. Yeah, and then eventually You know, I had a friend that contacted me recently because I've been doing my podcast for a year and a half and nobody's coming to my comedy shows

If that's why you did the podcast then shame on you. Yeah, it's an hour. Yeah, it's an hour advertisement for your shows I want there's no value cast So you could spill your heart out there Talk about your views on what's going on in a funny way or in a sad way or in a depressing way A real way and let and a real way and let that don't don't Go with the status quo and just chime in to their fucking to fuel that you know what I'm saying It's it's not worth it a real one where you come on then you have your your friends come in people that you know you and tell Different stories because they really want to get to know you before they can get to know your point of view

To need to know you this is a lot of fucking work She had the people that get into it and think I'm just gonna talk shit for an hour. This guy's just talked shit for an hour. Well shame on you Yeah, it's like everything else that you try to do life. There's always a motive. There shouldn't be a motive There shouldn't be a fucking motive man And I gotta tell you and stand up In the 25 years, I've maybe had like five motives and if you don't know anything about me, there's always a fucking motive You know, there's always a motive, but what's you know, like, oh my god, I didn't know Tarantino was going to be here

What a surprise, you know that type of shit where a lot of comics are creepy like that I've only been creepy like that like four or five fucking times. I won't let myself You know, everybody has um, uh An angle. They're all working in an angle. Yeah, everybody has smoke and mirrors. Well my podcast I'm gonna have dancers in the room. It doesn't matter Doesn't matter what you have in the room if you're sold not in the fucking room, you know, but I applaud what you did because Listen man, it takes it's it's very tough for people to take an honest look at themselves. That's what I did Yeah, that's bad. That sums it up. Nothing gets my dick harder when people look at me and go

Da da da da da again. We always have people I'm older so people call me up. I had a girl call me about 18 months ago Not a bad looking girl. I think she's beautiful. You know the way I look at it There's no sexuals advancements there. She's been banging out with comedy, you know and She left a good job and everything to come out here and you know the pieces aren't falling for her fast enough Yeah, it's frustrating and I go, you know, what do you want to do now? Don't get me on the other side of the coin

She's funny. She's attractive, but she's not hilarious And she doesn't have a hook and comedy's She doesn't have a hook comedy's bad So you're competing with everyone that's been in the game for 20 years that can go out and murder And you got to be loud and in that scene now you got to be loud. You have to resonate somehow some way So I said, you know and she asked me to plant that in my funny She goes because if I don't think I'm funny anymore, I'm gonna pack up and move to Milwaukee where the fuck she's from And I said to I go wouldn't be

Right for me to tell you whether you're funny. You know, that's not my business at all I'm looking at the other side of the coin. I know that you're out five nights a week I know that you're right. No material. I know that you're hustling You know, she's on the fucking sending packages to managers and agents. Yeah, and this is it This is this is I can't help you and anything like that. This is part of the game You have to put your dress on and do your hair and put a ribbon in your hair And try to figure out what managers aren't involved in like Big buildings and shit that won't let you in

And you just go and if they don't let you in drop it off of them. You're there Yeah, at least they'll see it and they'll open it up. It's different. There's you got to be different That's the main thing, you know So mech you When did you start telling stories because I didn't know you did comedy for 20 years Like did you start that sums up my fucking comedy career? Well, I've known you since you've been here in LA. Yeah. Yeah, the most since I've been here in LA No, I mean I um

When I when I would do stand up on tv, they'd say are you have four and a half minutes And I go I think what the fuck can I do in four and a half minutes? And I'd feel so awful because I couldn't serve that opportunity, you know, like someone was nice enough to go We like what you do Will you do it on tv? And I thought That's when I really started to know I tell stories like that's what I do. So when I would when I would headline a show if I'm doing 45 or 50 I would have an arc to like priors early work or bogosian or whoopee goldberg's first special where she's doing

Telling stories, but doing characters in and out of it. Look was the almost first special So it was like a hybrid of a one-person show and stand up But what I started to see that I enjoyed most out of all of that Was the narrative as opposed to just banging on the laughs and the people that stuck with a 15 minute story If I'm in a stand-up environment if I'm doing a 15 minute setup Then subconsciously the payoff has to be Magnanimous to a 15 minute setup But if you're seeing me in a theatrical environment and I'm doing a story

I can get the same payoff because the audience is listening to the story in a different way It's weird if you if someone comes out and goes now here is stand-up They some mode some switch goes off in the brain where they're expecting to hear the cadence of stand-up But if you say here's here comes a story teller This person is going to tell you stories for an hour It's going to be new to a lot of people right because they're like how's that where I'm even experiencing that I know what the moth is I've heard stories for five minutes or for 10 minutes How's that going to work and I go on and I'll do stories for 45 minutes or an hour

With twists and turns and an actual arc. It's an actual experience has something, you know, it opens with me Looking at my kids and wondering whether or not I'm going to give them the full story about who I am And the stock that they come from When can I be honest with them about that? And then I go through my experiences and then it ends at my daughter's eighth grade birthday party Where she asked me the very simple question. Have you ever done drugs? Yeah, it's not going to work when you sell them drinks on friday and saturday night Yeah, so it's a different it's a different mechanics. It's a whole different thing

So I didn't in in the in the I think really answered the question that you had was this when I was on shots fired It was uh, gene of prince bythwood and regi rock bythwood. They created the show They were committed to the best they wanted the best out of everybody, but they did it in a very Motivating and encouraging way, but they're like everything else can happen down here. We don't give a shit We work up here now because we're smarter than everybody But we have a very clear vision of what we want to do how we want to execute it and what we expect out of everybody It's the first time in my career as a writer that I've been around the best who consistently do the best And it made me ask the question if I'm doing all of these things from six in the morning to one in the morning

What is my best? Does my best even exist in there? How can it exist if I'm multitasking all of these things and what would it look like to experience my own personal best? And what is and in what area and it was too confusing and that also motivated me to go I got to let all of this go to see what comes back and then individually one thing at a time Commit 110 with the risk of failing with the risk of going while I shouldn't be doing this While maybe i'm not as good at this as I thought I was And really to the to the thing that I dedicated three and a half years in my podcast of like Hustling and doing your best. I don't feel like I was doing it. So I had to let it all out

It's a law of diminishing returns. Yeah, it's a law of diminishing returns. You got too many fucking hands and too many deaths So I do two podcasts a week and I go on the fucking road But they're all in the same universe though those all those all feeders and you're a parent, you know And when you go on stage at a comedy club, you could tell stories because I make a living on eternal stories That's why I said you the exception but you have to throw Excitement you have to throw Excitement and nobody wants to hear about their fucking kids at a comedy club You know i'm saying very lightly do people want to fucking hear about

You know because somebody else I know is having a problem with this He was like i'm trying to tell a story and then I take on the ride And I thought about it in the car and I thought about and I go, you know what? 10 30 on a Saturday. I want to hear about fucking kids I don't Yeah, I don't want to hear about fucking kids. I've been drinking snort and blow I want to hear about what the fucking hillary's gonna do or what this asshole's gonna do and then you could tell a story That reflects about everything that's going on. Yeah, that's what works and you got we we perform it

We know how we know how to perform and I was having a great clubs were like whenever you want to come back I was dissatisfied I was they were like this is great people are coming out to see you and I was like this isn't this isn't working for me I think there's something better and I have to maybe i'm wrong But i'm committing to see if that's right if I can perform it that way in an environment where there are no drinks I mean a lot of my audience is sober too former savages, you know, they're that are just Raising kids that used to be lunatics that are out trying to lead the best life possible that they can I mean when I played Chicago man, we sold the shit out of that. It was fucking great

There's a great little theater shout out to the wip theater and And edison park on northwest highway those guys have always been very kind to me It actually just got their liquor license But it was a little theater environment and it you know the premise of this hour I just spent the last Year and a half working on a new hour is that being an adult is the most fraudulent thing i've ever been a part of That's the premise of the whole fucking new my new hour Is just you think when you're gonna when you're a kid and you grow up adults are gonna have all the answer

Nobody knows a fucking thing everybody's looking at each other like do you know do you know nobody knows nothing We're raising fucking kids. I don't know nothing. I don't want to know nothing Yeah, everybody I knew did drugs stole shit fought and fucking now they're telling you got to do your homework I got to look my son and his eye and go you got a fucking study. Who the fuck am I to say that? You know, that's all fraudulent and the and the feeling of fucking shame and compromise. I got going. Well, maybe He's gonna hopefully have a totally different life than I had and not have to experience any of that shit I don't know but I had to take him to the fucking graveyard and tell him his grandmother was a bisexual bank robbing fucking prostitute So, you know, sometimes life's complicated. It's uh

It's not I live in a sham too, but you you gotta do what you gotta do you make your fucking I paid my debts at society Yeah, I move on when she gets to be old enough. I'll sit it down tell it what happened in my own words Yes, i'm not proud of it, but I am That's the complication that i'm interested in joe that little thing that you just said the bridge from from those two situations Of now and when you have to have that conversation to me It's fascinating fascinating. I don't I don't worry about it. I don't feel guilty about it I do the best I can and I did something with my life. So yeah It's like everybody else. She said the 20s are for you to fuck up

I fucked up and I fucked up some of them in the 30s and I tell you what I fucked up two or three years of my 40s So but we clean that shit up. You know, I was just uh I've always been amazed when people walk away with something and put it into like more of a micro thing, you know You you like doing this theater thing. Listen story telling is an itch There's a big business behind it. There's a big business behind it As you see we as comedians we now have a storytelling show On one of the comedy essentials. Uh, one of the shows, you know, does that mean that's a staple? No, something's gonna come up. What a better one and put it on

HBO or You know, it's out there will the room start popping up the storytelling. Fuck. Yeah, I know there's one The girl that was on here Oh, right, right. Yeah, the girl was susanna lee monday nights and she packs them in down there They they change teams, you know, she has a back room. What's the name of that place? On vine next to the with packy our trains There's a the three of clubs three clubs. Yeah, that's a nice venue. Yeah, they do shit now story telling's back everybody I love it. Yeah, I love to go down there and feel free

You know, and that's what I think freed my comedy The first time I started telling stories in 99 the belly room I was a different monster because you're not going for the laugh Yeah, and that teaches you a different aspect of the game. It teaches you a little bit more control It takes away that cheesy comedy feeling that you have to deliver a joke Every three minutes and take your shirt off and giggle. Yeah, it took that away from me. It really did It was like, oh my god, there's another aspect. Yes now how to make it grow is Is the full patrol now here we are fucking what 16 years later

There's a story tell a show on I put out five albums and just stories testicle testaments, you know, I mean Just for the priest that was yeah. No, that was a cd the comedy but this is uh I put out two dollar story telling cds high tunes And I talked about the kidnapping I talked about Just doing coke You know, they were like two hours weren't they leave? We were fucking go for hours We're go for fucking hours edit them and I I really believe in that genre. I really believe that the next two or three years I know HBO come up with something because they'll get celebrities, you know, they'll get uh

Fucking raley odor that talk about his time on good fellas I mean for me to pitch a show would be like a tv show. I would pitch it about situations I would get the three guys from the monsters. Yeah to tell us a half hour of monster stories The mouth does that it's a theme you show up. Yeah, they do a great job. I would have uh, uh, You know, uh, what's the guy that's on blue bloods now? Tom Selleck. Yeah to put go on with his the black guy and the other dude and talk about Mackam mac and pi whatever that. You know, there's so many avenues for this. You can do this with musicians. Yeah Get three band leaders together to get deaf lepid talk about the 81 tour with my with motley crew

Whatever the fuck whether they were on tour with acd ci judas priest There are so many different fucking venues. I would love, you know, I read the one arrow smith book And I always always baffled on whether why they didn't do more books like that Or that didn't become a tv show and it's basically Stephen tally would tell a story about the situation and joe perry wood brad woodford wood and it's amazing drugs What drugs does to your mind about memories? But it also each of them also took a particular event from all of them So something like that just having moderated at each rung come out and go tonight. We're gonna talk about the album

Rocks by arrow smith and these five just tell stories about that fucking album. You know, yeah There's hours of countless of this shit. You know, we love stories as americans. We do and I think um, when I was 19 I might have fucking told you the story already when I was 19 this guy goes, uh, uh I got a last-minute scholarship to college and part of the deal was teaching in between, uh Well, what's that? Can't relapse on your podcast They uh, they said we're gonna have this guy tell a story

I'm 19. I'd never heard of a storyteller before I mean, I knew what stories were but like a guy who called himself a storyteller What the fuck who does that? it's this old guy's like 60 ambles out he's old then not so old now and uh He goes, hey, my name's I think his name. I know his first name was joe I think it might have been joe leadman or joe Lieberman. He goes, I'm a storyteller and I'm like what I'm 19 You know, I know everything

And he goes, I'm gonna tell you the story It's a room full of 19 year olds. He goes. I'm gonna tell you the story of the tell tale heart and I go The fucking egg you're Alan posting He goes, yeah, I go you can read it out of a book He goes when you sit down and I'm gonna tell you the story So I go, okay, and I'm looking around everybody like the fuck is this guy gonna do He starts telling the story

The whole thing, you know, the guy's got the body the detectors are there at the kitchen table He's got the body buried under the floors. He's freaking out. He thinks they know and fucking hear the heart beating And then finally he just screams at the cops at the end. I did it. I did it, right when he screams everyone including me jumped And I thought this fucking guy got me. How did he get me? How the fuck did this guy get me? So he goes, all right, I'm gonna next class is coming in and so I we're all leaving and I go Are you gonna tell the next class the same story? He goes, yeah, I go. Can I stay and he goes? Absolutely. So this time I watched the audience As he's told the story and everyone arms cross legs cross powdy

Guys elbow and their friends this fucking jackass, right? And then the arms uncross the legs uncross the posture starts to slouch then they're leaning in Fucking hands on their faces Wrapped attention anxiety. They couldn't fucking believe it. He screamed again. Everyone fucking jumped. He got him back to back Story was about 20 minutes long. I couldn't fucking believe it was a pivotal moment It was dance to you like when did I know when did I want I watched a guy do it It's the difference between Stephen Tyler coming and telling a story and a professional

It's the guy that can make people at work laugh and the comedian like to be a real legit Storyteller I've studied Preachers pimps cops for and marines for command presence theater second city Acting classes voice classes all of that stuff the nuance watch the greats How to create a narrative that blasts right through you grabs you by the fucking heart and drags you towards me That's what I want to do. That's what that's the best that I'm searching for. We've got some north hollywood shit going out on a corner It's interesting because you guys were talking about podcasts earlier

and I firmly believe that similar to something that we've talked about with uh comedy before Is that there's going to be different kinds of podcasts there's going to be podcasts of stories as podcasts with improv and it's something similar what you're going through like Everyone like there's all comedy in this in that comedy, but you have 20 years of Experience telling like keeping people's interests. Yeah now that you're going to maybe not only funny stories You're still going to be Years ahead of like an author who wants to read their books or exactly. Yeah

Yeah, so I'm trying to fold that in and see what that looks like and the first Because I just finished a book right so october 1st. I handed in my memoir, right? Took me longer than I'd care to write but I had all those other things going on and now I'm in the process of rewriting that That's all I'm doing. I have two pitches and if those go that'll be great But all I'm focusing on is this memoir So I'm taking all the 20 years 20 years of stand-up acting gigs Improv stuff all of it and I hopefully this book gets published in 2017 And then I tour the book in theaters and I will perform the stories that are in the fucking book

You get to come see him live you walk out into the lobby you can get a copy Take a picture with you get the book discounted at the shows I'm gonna do all of it. I'm working with the editor and the agent right now She actually just emailed me the first round and notes are coming out on the 21st She's gonna mail them to chicago because I'm doing chicago the 19th through the 29th And that's it. That's all i'm focusing on is this fucking book to make The best that I can do my personal best this book put it out and tour that book Now will you will be in stores or do you do you

Are you playing on the e-book in it? What is your strategy? She's fairly confident. I have a literary agent in new york that um read the first draft She's like i'm in she used to be an editor. She's gonna she's We're gonna do the book in thirds So the notes on the first third are coming out to 21st should probably take me about a month to turn around So three months from now early 2017 Should have a draft ready to send out to publishers and set up and then whatever their time frame is

But she's very confident that she could set it up some more. She's happy with the way that it was written And um, I would love that's a dream come true man to walk into a bookstore And see a book. I mean, are you fucking that to me? That if i'm be totally fucking honest if I let all this go of what I really really wanted since I was a kid Was to write right? I've always been writing and I love sometimes I get to perform what I wrote Other times people just get to read it. I send it out But that to me was been the dream to be a published author since I was like in third grade Writing stories. We used to be at a great hustle. Me and this kid. My cona

We would get copy paper from the office at the school and we would do comic books and write but include the kids In the school and the teachers would sell them for a quarter But because we included them we sold more because they wanted to see what they were up to that week It was a great Concept more kids should be doing that now. Yeah schools. That's the way to get fucking real right and then fucking coloring Experience not I believe in You gotta shut the door before another one opens and a lot of people don't believe that concept, you know Listen man as as fucked up as this sounds

I haven't out for this stand-up game You know, I haven't out when I want to really start being around my child Absolutely, I know I could do what I want. I got two years till she has to be in the first grade But I have two years to make a decision. I would still continue to do the podcast. I'd still continue to write I try to get myself like a magazine job. Maybe write an article or something piecework. I really don't give a fuck it's just that uh The stand-up game for me takes a lot of my fucking time And but this is the game I chose. Yeah, and this is the level I've gotten to how I don't have no fucking idea

it just I kept working on and believing in it and um I'm gonna play this hand out, but there's an out, you know, I'd love to be down the wrinkles at 90 He's playing fun candy club. Yeah the candy club, you know, but I need a fucking out There's gotta be an out to make me happy Yeah I've always had a dream of living in a fucking regular Little redneck community and maybe getting a Fucking job at a truck store with good old boys and if I sell four months four trucks a month

I make my nut, you know, I don't need to kill myself. You know, there was a time when I understood the value of killing yourself for what you believe in Your home and stuff. I don't believe in those values anymore. I don't have them I've switched them to more of a family type thing, you know, where I'd rather take that energy and spend it with my family My firm belief when I got married was that The man went out and worked the fucking 14 hour days and we put away money and we had all this and we supplied a A household and shit like that and you did that till

You fucking did. Yeah. Yeah. I tell you when I tell you when to do that because I could see myself Doing that as a young married guy and that's why that relationship didn't work that on top of a lot of other things But now when it's time to work for me, it's time to work Thursday morning comes along. Fuck you and the horse you rode up on. Yeah I'm gonna fucking playing this what I enjoy and the way out my wife. We got the house the car You know, uh, my wife doesn't have to work which means more in the world to me Than anything, especially at this time right now where the baby's at Yeah, if I don't have a child my wife would be working more than fucking me

I'd whip that mule because them bitches could work jack You know, but no, no, no, no and I tell her all the time I mean, I just had an interesting thing when I first moved up here and my wife, you know When you have a child you obtain different friends And they're out of their fucking mind up here You know I'm saying the friends you meet in this area here with parents Parents are totally out of their mind. We became friends with them chit-chatted. Yeah. Yeah dinner with the children the children played She's uh, very nice. He's really cool. He's one of us. She's very nice

But I don't think she knows how crazy this white boy is I mean, he's out of this fucking mind He came to one of my shows in new york and hooked up with my buddies and they disappear for an hour They went to get a package. I'm like he does packages. I thought this guy was the nicest white dude in america Anyway, you know, he's an actor like a theater actor and Uh small roles and but a lot of voiceovers. He's part of that voice over So we were talking one day like after we knew him for two years and all of a sudden they're like that We tell you we're moving back to new york

We know that man And they're like, yeah, we're moving back from new york and the careers for him are better in new york And i'm listening to all this and I'm looking at their lives Here they're at the park every day and yeah, she flies on the weekends. She's well photographer. Gotcha like a well known wedding photographer like loot Oh, there's a lot of money. Yeah, like loot like you want to go to hawaii like they don't even give a fuck when she throws him her number She those two of those amount and they can live like doctors and now

We just got a note they're coming back You know and i'm like my wife is like, what do you think about that? Do you think i'm fucking surprised? I do you think i'm fucking surprised I've been born in r- i'm fucking new york when you look at me you're like that dude from new york I can't look like any new york israel or some guerrilla farm Fucking let him on the loose when you look at me. There's only three places. I can fucking be from okay I love new york city. Am I lonely to hang out with my fucking friends at night? Fuck yeah

By now, it's lee would have got shot twice Twice he would have got shot once in the shoulder one in the leg one for ordering something bad inside a restaurant Because my buddies don't accept that shit We don't order shitty food at restaurants and two for aspirin for ranch I don't ask for ranch or some salamak sauce to no order My funny my buddies were shot up in the fucking shoulder already by now Like don't bring this guy no more. He can't you know Uh, there's a lot of things I miss about new york city. I'm lonely at times. I can do a lot more stand-up at night

Yeah But I go to myself That's a hard life compared to what i'm doing out here. We got the podcast We don't have to drive in traffic. I was in edge water. That's where they live an edge water I was an edge water one night. You know when you open your curtains at the hotel like I opened the curtains I looked outside at 6 15 The traffic didn't move I fucking opened my thing rolled a joint licked it. I was just watching the traffic

I was you know, like when you do like let me roll three joints for the night It's a little early, but I'm entertained by this. Yeah, I can't imagine living here I told my wife I got no addition Okay, I got no addition. I'll be in the city the next day. Let's pretend it was a 10 for the uber Yeah, but it's 18 for both ways to go over in the fucking ferry. Okay, that's nine each way Joey could you get a little cheaper? Yeah, maybe five for the bus. Okay, so maybe 10 When I got to the city again, I ubered it was a 20 there and another 20 to go from cAA to the fucking ferry back So what you're telling me is

I dropped fucking 70 and that was any nourishment or a newspaper. I lied I got a hot dog and a fucking whatever and now you're a c-note out the door. You're in new york city You dropping on a fucking day. Yeah, I ain't saying nothing to you Lee. Am I cheap with you? Do I love you Lee? Do I am I spontaneous to you? Do we give a fuck? Do we have a budget Lee? Do we do even live like that? Do we say those words? No, there's days. I don't have cash for five fucking days because You use a stupid ATM card. What do we go 7-eleven? I don't do shit. There's days I go home and look at my account and go Joey you got to go out there and spend something

And then I thought it's the weed store. I'll take a hundred dollar cash advance for weed But besides that I went to new york and I looked at the cash I spent in three days in new york And I don't do that guys, you know me like cuban food at the wrong restaurant At chinese food It was the name of the fucking chinese cuban dragon trans dragon in all the cuban steak joint I went to no, you said there was a cuban chinese place. Yeah, I got it out. But look at this. Did you hear that? Oh, yeah, I trust me. He's about to show you. He has the full menu on his phone He has the menu on the the combo number next to it go hang out with your buddies if you want to fuck around

But look at this just done and this I show this to you because again, I don't want you to say fuck Joey's fucked crazy doggie He don't do dick, you know And while you're looking for look at this two cuban sandwiches steak two cuban steak sandwiches a milkshake A milkshake. What kind of milkshake a papaya mame. What and two cuban steak sandwiches a milkshake and two fucking diet sodas 2150, okay You know, you look at this and you go out here. It's 21. Look at the cuban steak sandwich What did they cook the fries with the fucking beef? That's been there for 30 years

With some fucking hot sauce, you have no idea who you're fucking with You know what I'm saying? Oh, look at the roll too. Look at the roll. Look at this here. Oh, no. No, look at this Look at this shit here. This is enough. Look at this fucking. What is this? Oh, that's the steak and eggs the fucking at original Joe's Most people posties on instagram Shout out to I just went to Los Balcones the place I told you about that proving spot on a vine in de la pre Oh your mother right down the block from god them perfect when they got a fucking look at the strombolies

Oh fucking strong bullies. They hit him in the oven for about five minutes yet Melt that cheese right into the middle for you. I even got this motherfucker pepperoni roll I took a bite of the long distance on paris calzone with a little Yeah, a little reward than the fucking thing that I don't I just give it up. I'm not gonna get it here So I just live my life And I accept that's the rub. It is what's the what? Well, that's the rub You're out here. You got to you know, you pick your poisons out here But you're not it's never ever ever ever ever going to be back

And then you can't go back like I go back now. It's a different city. It's a different city I can't I would go to like I told my wife I go listen I could have got a wild bug in my ass came back told blue smoke up here as Cost a bunch of money carried these cats across the fucking country in a car shivering the whole fucking time To move to new york association fees traffic. Yeah, you know, I live here to avoid all that Yeah, I surround my day to avoid all this. We also live in a place where People shat on for many years in la the valley. Oh you live in the valley the valley now Everyone's moving to the fucking valley. It's the only way to go. I got everything I need. I'm here

Let me get some shout outs. I got everything I fucking need. Yeah, bobby and crystal down there We're gonna see them in houston next week. Lee's coming down To the fucking come and get a festival on the 18th Shad Reese Jesse Shaw, Gino Robles David Kirkpatrick, Lee James Amy Cleans up nicely And my main lover

Marta, how's that one for you in shame? You know what I'm saying? No, I love uh I like people I talked in and everyone's in their life They cut it's called cutting the fat out of your life and people never accept it But you have to do it for the right reasons. You have to know when to close that door And you have to know when to be honest with yourself, you know, someone from new york's calling right now I mean, I figure how

I figure I figure how the fuck people uh When they go home and go, you know what this acting's been enough for me. I've had a great time I'm moving back to iowa. I'm gonna take all my dad's butchery. I'm gonna live like a human fucking being And it's time to that. I have that dream. Yeah, I just don't have a dad with a butchery, you know You know, I don't have a grandma on the flower shop. It's dying to sell it You know some fucking some little bum town that has a small community And everybody knows everybody, you know when I went to chicago one thing I did notice about rosemont And the community is on there is that there's a sort of respect people

Know each other. I mean, we went to get the steaks sandwich. What was the name the first day with josh Owls, right? Owls. We went to owls. We went to owls beef. Yeah owls beef is good. Owls beef is good. Yeah, you know, it's so weird Even the people there were very nice and lyse said he lost his phone and somebody turned it in That his friend and fucking in vegas they threw him out of the hotel He's like at least can you put the video to see who stole my phone fuck now, you know It's a it's a stand-up town it's it's uh, I miss I miss it. I miss it a lot I'm happy for the the city because the cubs won. Oh my god. I mean it's just fucking great. Oh my fucking god when

Today the black pitcher And the manager would have got assassinated the manager with the glasses on like that here I could already see rink red little dots on towards the end of the game He had a sniper up there and fucking on one of the cross the street rooms That was prepared. He already got the call from the genado brothers like the two eskibars Yeah that fucking documentary as soon as they lose shoot that motherfucker right in the eyeball Like the guy in the godfather when he put his glasses on. Yeah, stand there He looked goofy as fuck with those glasses on

He pulled that dude and then put the big black dude on and the black dude knew his fate, too Did you see him? Oh, yeah, he was fried man. He was done. He didn't smile Chapman was shot the heated smile Till they took the lead until then he was sitting that thing going. Who do I leave my car stereo too and shit? I spent 30 g's on that motherfucker. You ain't just gonna shoot He knew they were gonna put him in the room with the kid who made the catch That kid disappeared. They got him in the room somewhere. They're still smacking them Today they finally let him go and they gave him water in the sandwich. They go listen. It's gonna be all right

We're just kidding What's the how long ago was that? Which one when the kid? Oh Bartman. Oh, that was 2002. I think or four four 2004 There's some crazy guy in Chicago got him in a basement right now And every day during training season, he kicks him and every time the cubs lose He just kicks him and shit and one last night that this morning The guy came down with like eggs and breakfast and flowers The kids like what was that korean movie where the guy was locked in the room for fucking 30 years?

Remember that and josh brolin just did the remake with spike lead directing that was Locked that white kid kick him every day today was his day Today was his lucky day. Guess what the cubs won. What year is it? He's like the vietnam vet rambo saves beard down. Yeah, I think I was like, what year is it 1985 The guy just looks around the room and try and then he opens the door in the sheriff's outfit. Oh my god Oh my god, that poor kid that poor fuck. Do you think there's a chance he still lives in chicago? I think no he did a move to europe. Did he really? Yeah, they published his uh, they published his Work address and home address in both papers

And they had to have uh police cars in front of his house for a year. Oh, yeah, he's fucking crazy I know yeah, that is crazy. I can't deserve every kick every punch He was about to get that poor they had to cover him in coats. There's youtube footage of them Getting him out of wriggly and knuckle headed second from the left on the evolutionary chart chicagoans are like Is that the fucking guy? Is that the guy and they're trying to get to him and undercover cops are like whacking these drunk motherfuckers to get him off Well, they had to make like a mistake. Yeah, they had to make they covered him in coats Oh my god. Yeah, people take that sports seriously, man crazy if they would have lost last night after they had to lead

Because I call lian. Oh, you know, this is still a grand slam away Yeah, I don't want some pop. I don't want some pop and I go. Oh, no Yeah, it's six the fuck up and then they to really till that juice salt into the fucking scab They threw a rain delay at you. That's the kiss of death right there That because yeah, that's the kiss of death because the game has to shut off at 1 a.m But if there's a rain delay They will substitute that time so the game could go till if they rain delay. Oh, I didn't know that game shut off at one You do know that because one o'clock chicago time is 2 a.m. And fucking the east coast. Yeah

I know this because when I was a child there was a fucking game that went on till fucking 92 innings Started at 7 30 and I won the fucking morning They're still playing out there and they had a cancel the game and it opens up the next day as a tie So it becomes a double header I wonder what they would do it like they would have to just play the game seven of the world series I don't think they that'd be in crazy if they did that if it wasn't for that rain delay I think the cubs would have lost because the momentum was so heavy on the cleveland side So heavy that they had shut the cubs down top of the ninth going into the bottom of the ninth cleveland was ready

Ready to get someone on base ready to score and that rain delay just shut everything down cleveland was Hot ready to win the fucking world series shut down pause button Hayward rallies everybody calls a meeting in the middle of the rain delay Hayward's been struggling the entire series And made his salary Earned his spot on that team by giving everyone a motivational rally speech during the delay That calmed everybody down and shifted the momentum and I think it was three up three downer

They might have had somebody on first in the bottom of the ninth And then the cubs went on the tear top of the tenth and cleveland never caught up But if it wasn't for that rain delay, I really believe the cubs would have lost What are you or are you thinking when they tied it because I come from boston I still remember same thing you felt I still remember. Well, here's the thing I was because joey told me that you were coming on and I was thinking about what I went through in 04 And I was I was excited. I was I think it was like a freshman in high school And it was like the big cowboy up thing. It was it was huge

But I'm I don't want to say I'm jealous But I was only 17 something like that I can't imagine the the euphoria Of like a grandparent like I saw like I've been watching videos all day of like Grandpa seeing and I saw this guy went and drove to indiana to to listen to it with his father's grave site Yeah, and I was just like that I almost feel like I got jipped out of it a little bit because I had only really been like interested in the red socks Yeah, what maybe 10 years. Yeah, like how long could I really be involved in it? Yeah, so like everyone else was excited

I went to the parade. I wore my parade shirt yesterday in support of the cubs from 04 But I can't imagine being your age or 80 or whatever and my age or 80 Just There's obviously a lot in between Yeah, like it means a lot because I watch the cub lose a lot and it's and it's the I think for a long time before the rickets bought the cubs and hired theo eppstein from you know, the turn damn it It's unbelievable. That guy's never gonna. I mean To bring both boston and the cubs in the world series championships is incredible managerial and leadership skills

But I think like If you have a last place team or a team that's always struggling and you're still selling out the jerseys and you still sell out every game There's very little motivation to win The the type of of cutting edge biting You know really dominant wanting to win that you need like not that you need struggle But you know that that really like deep deep deep down within you desire to win It's very difficult to have that when you're they're not spending the money which they did they brought up their farm system which they did

Why would you do that if you're getting paid and you're losing The the management isn't going to do anything about that when rickets bought the team I think the whole idea was he was a fan of cubs baseball Lived across the street from the stadium loved the team and loved to win Brought theo eppstein on to create a culture of winning and that's what you need not lovable losers That was the that was the moniker of the team lovable losers That was I mean how the fuck are you going to win until you can completely change that mindset?

And I think that's what they did starting with their triple a system and bringing up and nurturing winners It's fascinating. I mean i'm fascinated with that You know you said you made some mistakes in your 20s 30s a little bit in your 40s me too I'm fascinated with i made a mistake yesterday by not betting fucking chicago. That's the mistake I made right there We made mistakes not betting was like 500 or one I should have dropped 200 just to watch the fucking game. Yeah, it's amazingly that I wouldn't I I checked and I said one of the games this week and they said game six is tuesday I don't know what day it was maybe sunday somebody asked me or monday and I said when is the game seven thursdays

And they go no wednesday they go done Like in my mind i'm done. Yeah done when they won tuesday wednesday. I walked around all day And I gotta be honest with you motherfuckers, man uh I just thought about being 10 and going to see The Mets uh play there are reds and when pete rose beat up butter harrellson I thought about Being younger than that and my mom, you know, I was six when the Mets won the championship in new york and

You know just walk jumping up and down with my mom and I thought about those memories. I thought about when pittsburgh won Yeah, I thought about Big red machine one of the worst World series of my life that to this day. I I preach it The cincinetti reds against uh boston redsox to me a great series for Many reasons, you know for caught in fisk hitting the home run for just the excitement What if you know staying up and my mom called me going you gotta go to bed 10?

Fuck you and hanging up on and fucking staying up till midnight to watch the reds and Johnny bench and just to rose man rose just to have that This weekend baseball on saturday mornings with johnny bench. Remember that? Yes before your timely, but oh my god just the feeling of of of being a kid and When that when they showed the camera of the guy with his son last night, I had a nervous breakdown I might because that he's gonna remember that forever that little kid He's gonna remember that till he's 62. He takes his son to see them win again. Hopefully in the next hundred and eight fucking years Over don't take you know the honesty about both those two teams

And I hate talking a lot of sports on the show, but they didn't demand the respect today Is that they're both great teams like the guy said last night? Oh, they're both gonna be there for a next three or four years Unless played like savages and they're young that little young Puerto Rican kid. Oh my god That you should learn to bomb the left And I love their their manager terry francona. Yeah, it's I I haven't even watched baseball in a while It's just I even called Joey called it like the fourth inning. I said I was bored And I don't know what if I don't have a team in the in the race. I kind of check out

But after I went and I went and I made dinner and I came back at like the sixth inning And I started watching and they showed the clip The clip that got me was when Dave Ross and anthony rizzo were talking and anthony rizzo was like I can't control my emotion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I was like, yeah, like you're what like 21 And then I just they said he beat cancer and now he's like an mvp And now he he can't control his emotions and like that's like that's when I checked in and like the sixth inning Because then that's like the best time to go watch baseball. They suck you in and listen man stories You think I was following chicago in june

You want me to tell you that new chicago's want to win in june? Do you want me to tell you that? I thought cleveland was the team in june. I wish I got those psychic powers But no, I wasn't cheering for a fucking team like that. Yeah, I was cheering for what I was watching for america I was cheering for fucking because that's what I grew up on that was the bible October is baseball bible. I don't give a fuck what plans you got. There was no way I was doing the podcast last night There was no way just out of respect to me like the day I'll do a podcast on christmas While they're stabbing jesus while jesus is coming out of the womb Before I do a fucking podcast on fucking during the world series. I don't give a fuck about the embay basketball

I really don't give a fuck about football because of the halftime show baseball. They've kept it pure There's no halftime show. There wasn't a section of celebrities You know beside bill murray and I accept that motherfucker because he's been there since day one As goofy as he is with his jacket. That's what it does to people. Yeah, this is your team and I sit here Every fucking week and I get mad at leader. I don't have a team Like I didn't have stock in the team take the cubs. Take the cubs get into the cubs Now because now they're gonna look at me and go you fucking no, no Yeah, that's the city. You just did your special there. That's how beautiful the city is man

You know like take the team. I wish I could be a fan of the dodgers There's something about the dodgers that bothered me completely I like them. I like watching them. I'll watch games at night if I'm home for an hour. I watch three innings of a dodger game You know, I wish I had a team so I could have a part of that in my life, you know, you don't follow the meds Because that's a thing I lose respect for people when they tell me they switch teams Well, yeah, me too. You just can't you should just give it a chance, man It's you know what happened for his teams to be a fan. You know what happened to me when I was a fan I didn't like how involved

And how personal I took shit I can't deal with that. Yeah I can't believe how involved and how personal I took shit. I don't like that because at the end of the day It's a fucking sports team. Why am I crying? Why am I throwing shit? Why am I kicking TVs? I had one jersey in my life. Why is the dog not breathing? Yeah, I had one jersey in my life I had a jersey of the Sixers In 1976 when Julia serving played I I wouldn't take a jersey be worth about three grand right now I wouldn't take it out of the house. I wouldn't sweat on it. I would just put it on when I was home

Especially I would watch it with a leaky gate when I was watching the sixth game by myself I'd watch this fucking thing And we had this retarded kid that lived right behind me It was just his fucking birthday a couple months ago. Somebody called me and they said we'd like you to fly out And do fucking comedy for this guguts his birthday jimmy bianco I said what jimmy bianco you talking about the one that lived on charles court. They go. Yeah, tell that motherfucker I never want to see that cocksucker again. We were kids. He was half retarded He had got hit in the head with a fucking brick or something

He'd walk around and give predictions And sometimes people would punch him like he was one of those guys He had a long hand a bead and sometimes people would punch him in the head I I wasn't a bully shit two golden coins Like people would punch him and shit like jimmy get the fuck out of here, you know And one day I kind of became friends with jimmy. He would talk to I would shoot hoops in my backyard He'd come to his fence and I gave him some love I mean who the fuck am I to turn down somebody and I talked to him about this or that but he was really like for a nerd

He was very sports oriented And somebody told me that when you make a bet talk to jimmy bianco He's always reading the stats and shit. He's got supernatural powers and shit So I played him for a couple times jimmy what he got tonight. He was oh, oh, yes. Yes. Yes tonight the sixers are giving six You and I would just look at the paper and he would fucking win this went on for like fucking a year This cock suck a long-haired hippie was like 21 and one and here I am sitting here fucking stealing bikes with valentine And robbing my stepfather. I could have been making a mint with this fucking moron So the julia serving joins the fucking sixers and guess what he becomes a sixer fan

So me and him talk sixers all the time. He knows stats. He knows body types He knows uh buyer rhythms. I mean he's hit me from every direction fucking He tells me one day the sixers are in the finals against the portland trailblazers And he's telling me the sixers and six Sixers and six And he like I was done. I went upstairs. I took every dollar. I could I robbed my stepfather. I took pennies from santa lasarro

I took quarters. I sold everything I could and I put a grand fortune Like $750 When i'm in the seventh grade i'm the fucking sixers because jimmy bianco plus I had a deal I was going to bump another yardstick from my mom and throw that on game six This motherfucker sixers come out the box jack Two and oh sweeping this motherfucker. I'm over there about the suck jimmy bianco's dick and shit because jimmy bianco Fucking knows scores this guy's fucking money Do you know they lost in game six?

To this day I have not talked to jimmy bianco because it wasn't just a bet. It was my team Yeah, yeah, like he ruined this for me like he ruined my team since seventh grade. You haven't said hello Fuck that bum and my mother was furious because I gave some of the info to my mom. She bet all the dough She bet 10 g's she was like Tell that motherfucker not to lay on the fence with his long hippie hair and shit Wait, wait, wait, you gave your mom betting advice in seventh grade. Oh, yeah, I told her the psychic told me fucking the sixers in And all my mother should just tell that story at his birthday party and then go so fuck you and your mother

All my mother needed was a push to gamble. Do you understand? I came from a gambling house Cubans are gambling people so when I told them and I remember like six people bet that we were all And then we watched basketball before I had eight cubans in my house watching basketball Cheering for these for you jumping up and down for fucking uh people saying little things Your friends are fucking bum. He's gonna lose at that people Don't even know how the game went you fucking bet the game you believed them. I was fucking furious. I never got over jimmy bianco and shit So this day, I wouldn't even fucking the sixes and six. I was so fucking excited I would I ripped that fucking six of jersey too

It would have been nice to make five prop bets to bet the cubs to win Over the last say four years a grand every year because it had to be 15 16 to 1 lose four grand come in at 15 20,000 That's the bet that I regret not making you know because I saw you all the time on the flight in vegas I go for every ufc fight that's there and just take a prop bet like two years from now What are the odds you know Tell ask the bookmaker. What are the odds of the cubs are going to go to the world series next year? Just bet three years out straight g each year. You're going to get paid

Doesn't every fucking gambler say that if you get hit by a fucking car the third year you ain't getting dicked All right, and your wife forgot about putting the bed and she didn't even know you know You know, I know those are the fucking slits. We're not the fucking window I'm really happy for this city of chicago. They uh, you know, bobble link is his dad. They're all chicago cup friends It's crazy. I think they're white dogs. I think they're white socks friends You got to be careful with chicago people Because if you get some fucking rough necks from the south side, they take that white socks seriously cross top classic, man I bet those motherfuckers must be pissed. They were my brother-in-law is a diehard socks fan

You couldn't even fucking we were on a group text. Yeah, he started fucking yelling at everybody Yeah, the south side chicago people that voodoo didn't work. You know what I'm saying? They cut chicken heads They stabbed a goat. Is that a malook area? That's a malook area. They put the malook on fucking On uh, chicago and they still want not listen man. Like I said for me The basketball went downhill You know football the soup bowls are a great thing. I just don't like what they've done to it over the years and who shows Yeah, I like they take over a city and show like that But listen when we when we did this the special in rosemount

The planes were backed up that day october 4th october 13th They canceled the flight plus the planes with the lay now. I don't know if you fucking know this you could get to chicago That's the least part of your problems. If somebody ever comes to you and says you got to go to chicago No worries. There's 92 flights a day. Yeah to chicago every airline will drop you off Even people's even uh spirit will put you in a fucking anti dump bag and dump you over fucking ohara And you land on a trampoline and shit for fat people You could always get to chicago. How busy was that chicago wing that day?

Our friend had a one o'clock flight didn't get into l8 into chicago till 10 Why because they were delayed all day the plane. There was no first class tickets. No upgrades. No nothing I asked the owner of the club one of the owners uh with a manager at rosemount. I said man Tickets were expensive And it was a nightmare getting here. She goes my friend's having the same problem. She goes the problem is Whenever chicago goes into the plane these playoffs people fly in just to be here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah When I heard just to be in the city when I heard that it was like It makes sense. I would have fucking fly. I told you to stay I almost did I right now

You could have been telling your friends you saw all the cubs the year they won the champion. See what I am You fucked it up again another mission Another mission you fucked up. We look at your blue shirt on you have your chicago cubs shirt on today You gotta have it on like I was that's that's all I was thinking about last night I was like I have to go see the red socks Like at some point in my life when they're in the world series and they could Like I want to be at a game seven at a game whenever they have a chance to win But it's fucked up that you said that the six are lost

I don't remember like I vaguely remember watching the red sox win But I remember vividly the year before When tim wakefield got a homer off of him by erin boon like when he went like the like the year before three they were playing the yankees and the yankees won in like game seven in new york erin boon had a Home run off of tim wakefield and I just remember I was sitting on the floor of my mother's bedroom And just like that walk back to my bedroom. I that's that's something fucked up about me I remember the patreons losing to the giants with the stupid helmet catch I remember I but I don't really remember the the good stuff. I just remember being happy and excited

All of the losses I remember like vividly. Yeah, it's fucking weird That that that helmet catch is terrible. You're a fucking whack at this guy. You see what I'm doing You don't you don't like remember like obviously you fuck. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, I remember every I still remember sitting there watching the Mets Played baltimore orials when they beat him in the world series. I think it was baltimore. I still remember coming home I still remember pitchfork pirates In the world series with candelaria and willy star jill. Yeah, we are family. They're doing blow shooting steroids and shit Who's the guy that took the acid?

Oh, yeah, yeah, doc boon doc doc willis doc willis. Yeah, yeah Just you remember all that stuff from baseball, you know, it's a bit and like I said, it's a shame that I Don't have like a blanket with a team on it. You know, I don't have that no more like I don't have any stock in the team You know, if I like a team I'll watch it But I'm the type of guy that's too embarrassed to go get a hat because then people go And it's true. You're a fucking you just jump on the bandwagon and shit Brother, uh, congratulations on bringing the podcast back. Thank you. I'm happy you came in today and visited us

Yeah, thanks for having me guys. Yeah. No, we wanted to fucking talk to I wanted somebody from Chicago in here To talk about whether they want to loss. Yeah. Yeah the reaction and see what it was like I know you're I called you right away. I've been thinking about everybody from Chicago the last week and going I wonder what the fuck they're thinking, you know, it's uh I can't imagine that city today. I can't imagine what that city's gonna be like This weekend because it's not gonna stop. No, are you gonna fly back for the parade? You should I mean, I don't know what if it you can have no no You know, the parade's important killers don't go to parade. Yes, you do

That's what I have the facts like you they're gonna parade me popcorn As a fucking hot dog with ketchup on it or some shit ketchup. You don't forget you No, I know I don't yes, he does. I put mustard I always spilled on my shirt and so I can't put anything on it So but no, I had not every year, but after a hundred and eight years. Can you imagine? There's gonna be a million people. Oh million pickpockets Fuck it. Don't bring your wallet. You don't need your wallet robbing your shit mind your business Watching

Go to Chicago for parade. What is he a fucking half a fruit? Absolutely He should float dancing and shit with a bikini on what the fuck's the matter with you? That's what people who really believe the hide you never we don't go to parades. All right church people don't go to parade Number one, I want to talk to you people about something important I Won't tell you what's important right now in your life for the holidays a fucking bidet You know why because bidets are back. You're like joey. You've been here talking about bidets. What the fuck are you talking about? The devices that spray your muffler clean with water. You understand me? I grew up with a bidet in my house

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So never get surprised I don't ask your favors So don't get abused I'll answer when my heart was young so never ever gonna lose The pain of the money and the tools that you have on the contract on you I got a contract Are you? I never asked you questions

I never speak my mind I was proud as I was I was the king in my kind of life I take care of business But takes care of me I look after myself and do a bill because somebody's over looking for me The pain of the money and the tools that you have on the contract on you I got a contract

Are you? What a manner of man am I I got a little unsung and then I know about What a manner of man are you You never stand fact that you're my hero I do what I do because I can do nothing better You Do what you do just to make me deserve

What you can do better than better to do I got little things for me Mr. Kill Machine I got the population down It's been more than I mean A little stuff in those places I'm all about the sweet things There's plenty to taste, but there is plenty

I bet I'm the best of it is What I mean with the money and the tools that you have on the contract on you I got a contract Are you? I got a contract on you I got a contract