Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #430 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: November 15, 2016

Greg Fitzsimmons, Comedian and Host of the "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and The Greg Fitzsimmons Show on Sirius XM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.    MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns. Recorded live on 11/14/2016.

Go ahead and leave starting, we'll talk about dirty feet. This show is presented by Onit. The Church What's Happening Now is all brought to you by CISO, S-E-E-S-O dot com. Go to CISO dot com for bingeable comedy anytime, anywhere. And our listeners get your first two months for free when you enter promo code Joey at checkout. You can take those with you. Mediocre weed for the garage.

Yeah. I'll take one of these. This show is also brought to you by Helix Sleep, where you can buy mattresses online customized for you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. Go to helixsleep.com slash joey to get $50 off of your order helixsleep.com slash joey. And the show is brought to you by MVMT watches. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash church right now to get 15% off of their amazing stylish watches. I have mine.

It's black on black. I love it. I'm looking at it right now. It's beautiful. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash church to get 15% off with free shipping and free returns. Kick that fucking mule, Lee. It's Monday night, cocksucker. November 14th, bitches, four days away from my anniversary of kidnapping Ken Vella.

29 years. Here we go. Houston, Texas, the church of what's happened now. Greg Fitzsimmons, Mike Goomba's death, Lisa Yat. Kick that mule, Lee. I don't hear it. Kick it. You're playing games with me.

Take that, motherfucker. Oh, shit. Speaking of dirty feet, turn that shit off. Join the podcast. I was telling, I don't want to sound like Trump Jr. here, but I was telling, because I don't even know what sex this is. Now this word has me all scared and shit. Yeah, you got to be careful.

You got to be careful. But the problem was I'm on the fucking plane the other day. I'm on JetBlue like a doctor and I'm watching the fighters on FX and I like Amy Adams. That's her name. Amy Adams. I think Amy Adams is beautiful. Amy Adams looks like every Irish girl I dated from the seventh grade to the 11th, you know, and we held hands.

There was no sex in those days. I didn't have the fucking heart. I would go for a tit from time to time and I went to time, but there's some about them being Irish that just, there was this girl Colleen that had that same color hair. Was it chili? That same Michaels? She used to. Oh, you told me about this.

She used to rock my fucking world, Colleen. You told me about this. You know, then I switched. I jumped book and I started dating this other girl, Kathy. We were also Irish. Oh, beautiful. We were big cheeks. We used to fucking run together at night one night.

We just started swapping spit and we'd hold hands and then walk home like nothing happened. No sex was involved. Then I dated one of her friends for a while. I don't even want to say their names because people from the area listen to this shit and I love them. Love them. I'm in a team where, what's his name? The fucking dude, Marky Wahlberg is about to have sex with her and she's got a bra on

and panties and you can see that the panties smell. Like, you know, when you look at panties and they have like little skid marks in the back, that shit turns me on too. Right? Like a shadow. She's not the perfect woman in the world. She's just got a face that could just stop you in your tracks, but her body is not like a super body.

But when she falls onto the bed, her feet, except for the arches are just covered black. And let me tell you something, my dick almost blew up on the plane, okay? If the stool, this was cute. I would have asked her for a hand job. That's a jet blue stool. That's a jet blue stool. That's fucking. That's not a good.

Let me tell you something. I love Irish women. I was thinking about how my daughter has that color hair now. Like my, my wife is fucking Irish and Indian and my daughter's got it now and it's everything I ever wanted. You know what I'm saying? Like, uh, it's so weird how it hits home now. It came to haunt me.

What I really loved came back to fucking haunt me and I'm like, I love all that dirty Irish shit. The feet. I love women. I love all that skin color. A little cellulite, little bit of, she's got a, Amy Adams got a little mole on the side of her face. She even had a little bit of a gut at the bar when she did a shot, oh, sends me over the

fucking top. Absolutely. I missed almost East Coast women. Like I missed them. I'm not around a lot of East Coast women out here. Like Vicky Pazza. Like I love Vicky Pazza because she, like the women at the shows were just yelling at their boyfriends and it was like, I almost missed it.

All the girls at Fox Woods were fucking banging. Yeah. I mean, banging from A to Z, those guys, I got a hand at anybody who showed up at Fox Woods or boy, the fucking world, but you brought some fucking heat, Jack. Yeah. They brought heavy artillery out there. You didn't show up with no Quincy bitches. You showed up with no shipyard bitches and I'll tell you what, there's like three or

four hot ones up in Quincy that will rock your world. They don't even know how hot they are. Like the chick that played the town, what was that movie with the town? Okay. Blake Lively. That broad played it to the fucking hilt. Just a dirty Irish girl at a bar that goes out every night for a good time. I love those girls.

Yeah. The only makeup is just some blue one. You're not going to fucking tell them not to go out every night. Yeah. That's going to stop right there because they'll knock the fuck out of you. You just take them home three nights a week and you have a great time with them. They puke. They always puke after you give them a stabbing, right?

Then you got to kiss them and shit. You don't give a fuck by that point. You did what you had to do and shit. They wake up. What happened? I don't know what happened. They wake up. You're down at the bottom of the bed licking their dirty feet.

Oh, loving every fucking minute. I don't lick toes. I don't lick toes. That's disgusting. I like the dirty feet, but once we get in the bed, you got to wash those hoops. I can't have those dirty hoops on my bed. Do you wash their feet? I got to fuck.

No, no, no. What am I? Jesus. John the Baptist. I got a fungi toe myself. I'm walking around with duct tape on and shit. Sometimes I get radio waves. I'm like a fucking antenna now with my little fungi fucking toe.

You're going to get those sneakers with the toes cut out. This fungi toe is killing me. I was like, for six months, I'll just throw up at night. The fungi comes alive. It hurts? Yeah. I thought it was just growing like an ecosystem. So again, this weekend, I go in the tub and I just sit there for like, I only do it

in hotels. I bring the heavy duty artillery to the hotels and shit. The industrial nail cutters and the shit you clean the fungi. So I go in the tub, I soak that shit, I cut those nails and I take them and I sniff them real good. Do you save it for after the show? I leave them for the main. I put a 20 right on top.

There you go. Have a party. Cock sucker. She comes in the room. She listens to the couch. There's a thousand little fucking fungi nails everywhere. All different colors. Green, purple.

They're like the gay flag. They cut holes in the fucking cushions. Jesus. So sharp. Oh my God. Sometimes I cut them and poke my wife with them. I was telling her, I'll just poke her and she'll go, what the fuck is that? It's a fungi nail.

Keep it up. It's like a snake tooth. She's going to get an infection. I'll take this to a concert. I'll stab like 18 people. 16 will start scratching with 10 minutes. Shit. That's what I should do.

Take a fungi nail out and do a show. It's for me stabbing people with my fungi nail. Can I stab you with my fungi nail? You got someone to eat it. That's it. I'm going to let them grow. Sell it after the show. I used to date this girl.

She grew up. She grew up. She grew up. She grew up. She grew up. She grew up. She grew up. She grew up.

She grew up. She grew up. She grew up. She grew up. She grew up. She grew up. I used to date this girl. She grew up.

She used to grow up in a cult. One of the jobs she had to do was cut the fucking master's toenails. What do you mean? She goes, they grew over his toe. So once a week we'd have to go upstairs. He weighed like 500 pounds. They all had to suck his dick. No shit.

He fucked all their moms. It's a horrible story. How old was she? 14. Yeah. She basically grew up in that fucking cult and she still talks to her parents. I would fucking chip in with my brothers and have them hit by a truck. Yeah, right.

You know what I'm saying? You dirty motherfuckers. You want to be freaks and move into a cult, do it on your own time. Leave people with my aunt. She goes to church on Sundays. Yeah. You're going to take me with you to some fat fuck's house. Yeah.

Who's going to fuck us all in the ass. Clipping toenails. And the father sleeping at night while everybody's getting fucked, including his wife, because they had seven kids, but three of them belong to the cult leader. Oh, no shit. But they took them with them and sold them as their own. And when you see the whole family together. Sold them?

Like, you know, they sold them the story that they were parents. You're crazy. We're your dad. So four kids have a lot of teeth and you know, three kids are just sitting there fucking with regular fucking smiles. You know what I'm saying? And nobody's smiling. Everybody's frowning.

Yeah. Because everybody's confused. Why does he have blonde hair? What a shame in this country. Oh my God. The cults. It's part of it seems appealing to me at this point, you know, to start a cult. I just need to come up with some crazy shit, you know, like I think I think I would run

a good cult. What qualifies it as a cult? I can't leave. Okay. Oh shit. You can't. Yeah. No, you got to stick around.

But I think that I think I wouldn't fuck the girls. I'd let everybody get laid, you know, and I think we'd raise some money. But I wouldn't hog it, spread it around. Let everybody have some fun. But get a fucking, get some land, build some cabins, a lot of nudity, good music, a lot of doors. The doors. The doors.

That's what we had on today. LA Woman. What a phenomenal album. It's a great album. That really is a good fucking album, man. Yeah. They produce good albums in the studio. Let me tell you something.

Growing up, that album irritated me to no end. My mom wouldn't listen to the whole album. She'd just listen to LA Woman over and over and over. LA Woman is how I'd learn how to speak English in a way. Oh yeah? Because she'd play it and make me dance for the other women in the room. They'd play cards and shit, and my mom would put on LA Woman. That sounds like a cult.

But it wasn't a cult. It was a bunch of crazy Cuban women playing cards and snorting, blowing in the 70s. And it's crazy how when I was 13, I picked up the album on my own. And I would play it. My mom was like, I thought you didn't like this shit. And I go, no, I hated it because you tell me how hot Jim Morrison was. Yeah. When you're fucking five, you don't want to be here by the hot guy.

And my mom would say someday I'm going to meet Jim Morrison and just eat him. Yeah. In Spanish, she would say, me loco mecumpal. And I would go, what the fuck are you talking about? Wow. You know, Cuban women loved Steve McQueen and Jim Morrison. They loved Brock Hudson until they found out he was gay. Not 85.

They knew in the 60s, rock was gay. In the 50s, when he would go to Cuba, that's where he would go to escape, to be gay. Because you could be gay in Cuba? In the 50s, you were a celebrity. So I could bring Joe Fagg as my assistant, get two rooms, but he's not there to sleep in that room. He's over in the room with me rubbing my fucking fungi toe now and sucking my toe and sucking my balls.

And you know what I'm saying? His tongue would be by bidet. Yeah. And he's making eye contact. He asked it. I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to always tell me that, that rock Hudson was gay. And I would go, fucking how do you know that?

And when I got older, like two years before she died, she goes, all the way down, I'm going to tell you, whenever rock Hudson came to town, it was a big deal. So I was a young girl. We'd all go down there and wait for him. He would stay locked up with the guy all weekend. Who wouldn't go to Cuba and not go out? That's why you went to Cuba to see the fucking dancing and the Spanish women and the fucking Malatas dancing and fucking Benny Murray singing and you gamble.

He wouldn't leave the fucking hotel room. Yeah. And I would look at my mom and go, you know what, you're fucking crazy. You're crazy. She dies six years later. He's got AIDS. Yeah. And I'm like, fucking lady was telling me the truth.

Because when they were little girls, it was like when Michael Jackson went to London and hung his kid outside the window, there was 2000 people waiting. Same thing. It's fucking rock Hudson. You're a Cuban girl. You're fucking 12, 13 years old and rock Hudson, the biggest fucking star in American Peliculas is coming to fucking Cuba. What's Cuba?

The size of Bayonne. Yeah. Everybody knows if you're coming. Once you landed at the airport, you know, Sinatra's in town. You knew. Yeah. So you went down there. That's what happened to the Bay of Pigs.

You guys figured it out. Who the fuck knows? Yeah. What's up, Lee? How you feeling, Doug? I'm feeling it. We went to legal seafood like 18 times. You know what?

I was going to. I want to thank legal seafoods for fucking taking good care of me. Good. Oh, okay. That was actually one of my favorite parts, not just legal seafoods. Bill, the bartender, I meant like I meant, I'm not even a drinker, but I used, my dad always used to take me to the bar. We always used to eat at the bar, sushi bar, any bar, and I miss guys like Bill who just

like have like a regular conversation. We eat up bars a lot. Bro, he came to our table when we didn't sit at the bar like he became our friend. I met some great people in Boston. The star of my world was the hotel manager, Margaret, the restaurant manager. She was as beautiful as she was smart and fucking, she was 24 years old. She started there as a bus girl. Boston accent?

Yeah. Dirty girl. Yeah. Dirty Irish girl. A beautiful boyfriend. You know, just set. One of those girls that you look at and she'll be married in three years, we just spoke about the internet and her other business was the internet.

That's what she really wanted. That's what she went to college for. She was trying to sell products on there and we just spoke about that, but both conversations left me fucking like, wow, you know, finally you meet somebody who's dynamite. Then the bar, Bill, from the fucking first day I got there, my name is Bill. Who fucking introduced himself anymore? Oh, you mean he was behind the bar? He was behind the bar.

Right. Gave me a menu and put his hand there. Fucking guys, what, 64, 265, hands that'll fucking crush your head, bald, old, you know, you don't need much. All he needs is one good fucking shot to your head and you're hearing, you're hearing fucking a Boston Red Sox game and it's fucking January and you got like, I have to play his big puppy and he came over and I said to him, what do you think? And he goes, try this, this, this, this, this, you know, and I tried one of the things he

recommended. I drank ice teas. That was the, I got off the plane and we were right to legal seafood. You know me. I don't fuck around. Right. You got to get as many meals as you can. You got to get the meals.

I rolled the joint and fucking, you take a walk. I found the place to smoke. I smoked backwards. Then I realized they didn't give a fuck cause it was legal. And then I walked into legal seafood, reeking of marijuana, reeking, went right to the bar, no hello to the host, this, nothing. And I blasted out sometime. I forget what I ate the first day on muscles.

I had muscles and clam shot by yourself, sitting at the bar solo, like a doctor. I came out of this motherfucker solo. I went down. I went upstairs 10 o'clock. I asked Bill, Bill, what time you close? He goes 11. I'll see you around 10. I took a shower.

I tried to write some jokes. I watched some TV, 10 o'clock, another joint, right downstairs because you came back. I got back that night, I ate clams on a half-shell like a doctor and crab cake with a salad. The next day I had breakfast at the hotel, men's amort. But for lunch, you know where I was going to be, legal seafood. Fuck yeah. I think we went there for late dinner. Yeah.

Absolutely. And then we'll turn like doctors. Come on. That place isn't cheap either. No, no. But I said, listen, man, I didn't get sick. I could trust him. The day I went, met Lee and his mom for lunch, which made my fucking whole weekend.

Had you met her before? Never. What was she like? I didn't know what to expect. I expected something completely different than what I met. First of all, just the fact that my mom was dead dirty something years last week. Just the fact that he let me meet his mom, knowing how crazy he meant the world to me. I was expecting an attorney.

I was expecting a woman with the temperament, forgive the English or a Jewish attorney. Single, divorced, sixties. She's already seen it all. You know what I'm saying? That's what I expected. I ended up sitting next to the sweetest woman I've met in years. Really? And I could tell she was lonely.

I could tell she wants Lee back. So now I'm guilty because if my mom was alive, I'd live around the corner. I'd be rubbing her feet and breaking her balls and making me cook. Right or wrong? Right. If I had a chance to be with my mother again, I would dump my girlfriend. Not worth the aggravation. I'd throw my mom eight.

What's the mortgage here, mom? 12, here's nine. Let me live downstairs like a doctor, which means, you know what a doctor means, Doug? Means when you wake up, you know what you wake up to? Come with bacon, two eggs, toast, just how you like it. Drink the coffee, Greg, before it gets cold. And she's standing there at the pot. Right there, right there, as you're pissing, and she's telling you about the weather and

what happened, and what happened to the tape because it's busy, and Mr. Mailman got cancer. That's what a bum does. What up? You don't need any apps. When you got a mom? You can jerk off in the bathroom. Nobody bothers you. She's just happier there.

At that age, that gets to a point with mom and dad, where they don't give a fuck. They're just happy that you're there, and you're having a great time. You know what, you can't bring women there, and you can't disrespect them and get high. Now, gotta give them that, who gives a fuck? I'll take a walk. How old am I? You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

But think about it, because I haven't had a mom in 30 years. So when Lee goes, yeah, she's like, why are you fucking kidding me, Lee? All these assholes paying rent. How long have you been gone? Well, I've been here almost six, and then I was gone for four of college, so pretty much 10. Yeah. You're ready to head back home.

You know what I'm saying, mom, what's the mortgage here? What do you need a month to make you happy? Here you go. Yeah. I'm taking the basement off. I'm doing the basement, like disco ball. They don't give a fuck, Jack. When you walk in at 5.01, they're at the door, with dinner, slippers, ready for you.

There's a tension, again, with all the details. And there's always something in the fridge, fucking hard-boiled eggs, always. Homemade cake. Homemade cake. Yeah. There's a homemade cake. Where are you going to go? You put weights downstairs, right?

I'll punch you back. You get a lip-tickle. You don't go nowhere. You go out and get a job just minimally. Yeah. That's it. Mom, what do we need here to make it happen? So what?

I got my dick sucked into the massage parlour once a week. I got the fungi nailed. What's my nut? $15,000? I want to get the deli just to live at home. You're spending half your paycheck on a blow job. Yeah. Right.

When you live with mom, if you live with mom, you're a weirdo. You know you go somewhere to get your dick sucked and your balls licked. You go somewhere filthy because that's what balance out living with mom. You know what I'm saying? Anybody who lives with mom has a girlfriend, but they do something filthy because that makes you feel normal. Where you been, Greg? Mom, I can't tell you.

Yeah. I've been somewhere you don't want to know. And the thought of living with my mom, it wasn't her, but I wanted to get out at 18. And now, I don't want to live with her, but I want to live with her in like 20 minutes. I'll tell you what, three months ain't bad with mom. Yeah. I could do three months, yeah, if I had to. You tell the girlfriend you're getting your head together, not the call for treatment.

Listen, no call for three months, I'm getting my head together. I got somebody taking care of what I need you for. You come back, your toenails are clipped, fucking smiling. Oh, they rub apple cider on your toe and shit. You know what I'm saying? They put that excess acid on your toenail, they sizzle along. Moms don't do anything. They'll pop the pimples on your back, don't do anything.

Mom, I got a black head right under my nutsack. They put the glasses on with the light over it and shit. Don't get that black head. I used to jerk off on my t-shirts. And I thought years later about how, you know how they were all clumped together, you ever come on a t-shirt and it just saw sticks to itself when I was younger anyway. And then I think about, my mom would have to see that shit and she'd wash it, you know? Think about what moms do for you.

No, but I see, that's where you trick them, you gotta blow your nose in them. So now they don't really know what's in them. I blow my nose in everything, underwear, dirty socks. But that wouldn't be an excuse for my mom and I'm like, why are you blowing your nose in your shirts? I just, it's right here and I don't want to fucking, how many trees can we kill? How many trees can we kill? Everythin' about trees, mom.

You're the one that's up here there. They vote for Clinton. Now you don't give a fuck about trees. Jerking off is green. You gotta keep it green. I don't know. I used to jerk off on something. When I was disgusting, I jerk off on a shirt and put it on.

Like I'm one of those, you unfold that motherfuckers, like that starch. It's like a tie-dye. It looks like somebody's shot it with some hard like candle wax. You need to clarify what you just said. It sounds like you just like laid your shirt out on your bed and jerked off on it. No, no, sometimes, no. See, I told, I told you, I'm on circumcised. So I always got a three minute pause because I just hold onto the top of the turtleneck.

Why? And it blows up like a snake from the fucking cum. And that gives me like, shut the fuck up. You didn't know that, though. You didn't know that? I'm on circumcised. So when I feel myself, when I whack off by myself, I just hold on to the top. And it gives me like, I sit there for a minute or two and think what I want to do.

I look around, it fills up like a fucking like a back of a cobra. Like it fills up and I go to the toilet and just pull the skin back and it comes out like a fucking burp, like a boop. It just comes out as whole one whole thing. I take toilet paper, I wipe off the helmet. I take a quick piss and it's over. That's it. Nobody gets that feeling, sir. And there's no witnesses.

He's on his way to the Hudson River. You got a name for that move? No, it's called the Joey Diaz. I just hold onto the top and it swells up. I hold onto the uncircumcised meat and it swells up. Like it's choked. I've held it for five, six minutes. Sometimes I just let it go.

Because what then do what? Stain something. I leave witnesses. So you you can enjoy it, hold it on to it. I don't enjoy it, but I got to come on something. I got to bend over and get a sock. I can just hold it in two minutes. Once fucking, I find out whether Lenny Briscoe's

fired or not. I can go over and unleash the fucking dragon juice. This is a great podcast on a Monday night. This is a great way to start your week. I'm sorry about it. I went to this topic. I thought you knew. I said it on the road.

I had no idea. I never heard that before. Oh, I've been doing that since day one. It gives you like a little time. Sometimes you just whack off and you come wherever you want. I think there's some karma sutra thing about grabbing the base. They're like tantric.

Is that tantric when you grab the base? I was listening to that. But it's before you come and it stops you from coming. Years ago when I used to do blow, one of those channels used to have late night two Indians fucking. Like a bunch of Indian women fucking. They were hot.

Like Middle Eastern Indian? Yeah, like the ones in 7-Eleven. But they were doing sex acts and it was called karma sutra. That was the name of the show. I don't know. Felicia used to date a guy that was into karma sutra. And she said he'd fucking never come.

But he'd do that. One night she came 18 times. He didn't come one time. I don't know. I don't know about that stuff. That sounds like you're a caddy. You're not playing. Yeah, like you can't come,

but I see a lot of Hindus. You know what I'm saying? It don't work. Karma sutra don't work. I see a lot of Hindus, you know what I'm saying? I think they're karma sutras for making more Hindus. No, because you're not supposed to come. Yeah, you're not supposed to come.

I get listening. I don't know, don't quote me on this. I don't know. I'm smoking dope and eating addables. What the fuck do I know? I'm just a fat fuck who's uninformed. It's not like I'm sitting here with a computer Google and fucking Hindus and karma sutras.

It's good to see you, dog. Always a pleasure to see you, man. You came in looking like I stole your lunchbox. I know. I'm like, what the fuck? It's over. That's it. You know, we're living in weird times.

You haven't opened your eyes the last 10 years has been rough on a lot of people. We were just talking about the film industry. Dog, if I was still shooting shit, I got a quality of that for a friend. I forget what the fuck the kid's name is. I did a shitty movie with him once and he blew up. This dude blew the fuck up.

He did those Clint Eastwood movies. And I just went to see the one about the pilot, Sully. Yeah. And he had a three minute role in that. I don't give a fuck if it was three minutes or not. I wasn't on that fucking movie, you know? So I got a call Friday. He wants me to do his web series, you know?

And I go, okay. I'm fucking on it. Lulem Barty and him. I'm like, fuck yeah. Lulem Barty was the guy who played the cop to Big Pussy and the Sopranos that always tormented him. Oh yeah, of course. Great guy.

Great fucking guy. I know him from auditions. He came to the comedy store. It'd be great, but it's a digital sag. It pays a yardstick. Yeah, right. Seriously? Yeah.

You do know this. No shit. A hundred hours a day. Really? I'd love to do it, but I'd have to cancel the park. No, no, no. I'm figuring it's a yardstick. What's digital?

Seven minutes. You do a take, another take, and you go home. Yeah. Two, two, 11. Damn. For how many days? Just Wednesday. For a hundred bucks?

A yardstick. Fuck. You know, we were talking about acting how it used to affect our income. I barely make level two insurance, brother. And three quarters of it, to be honest with you, is on residuals. And half of that is the longest yard in Spider-Man 2.

The longest yard has been keeping me in pork chops. It is the longest yard. Yeah, it's the longest yard. It's stretched out. And they play it, no football season, football season, Thanksgiving, eight o'clock on CBS. I just got that checked two weeks ago. Like, what the fuck is this shit?

Nice. Like, you know, you sit there. That's what's keeping me in pork chops. But the old, see, it wasn't, I never made money acting like people spoke about. Like, I always got the shit under the stick. I'm not complaining. But I tell you where my forte was.

When I first got here, I got into co-stars. And one day, somebody made a mistake and paid me the wrong rate. And that became my rate. So I would go in for every co-star in the beginning and they would shit their pants. But I was so badass in the auditions that they'd have to fucking give it to me.

I learned that I gotta go in there and that's my value now. I gotta go in there. Like, my guest star roll number wasn't good. At that time, I wasn't booking guest stars. I had never booked a guest star. But that disappeared, Lisa. Those days disappeared.

In those days, I get calls from Greg going, showy, what are you doing tomorrow? Nothing. My friend's got a show on CBS. They're looking for a garbage man. I told him about you. It's co-star, but they're gonna pay $1,600 for the fucking day. $1,600, I'm getting $15 spots at the store.

That's not bad. I love when people in this industry call and they're apologizing about amazing rates. I remember, I got a call. Someone apologized and they wanted to pay me $1,200 a week and I was making $875. And I was like, oh, I think we'll be able to handle it's about $100 a week, is that okay?

I'm like, I think I'll be able to manage. Was that Joey Diaz talking to you? No, I was going to work for Hell's Kitchen. It was just amazing how that salary killed me. I was getting 10 of those. I was getting 12 of those, one a month. All I had to do was go to Warner Brothers or go to Sony. And half of them I was auditioning for.

You know where I was booking shit? Actors access. What's that? Back page? Actors access is a fucking computer page that you go to. You set up a page, you put a headshot, but the industry has to go through that. So if somebody wants to see Greg Fitzsimmons today,

you have to have a reel on Actors Access and then they'll email that reel with the fucking thing. Okay. So I set up an account early on, somebody go go to Actors Access. First thing I booked was a film that flew me to Jamaica. I got fired, but they had to pay me a year later.

Yeah, I got fired. It took a year to get the Jamaicans to pay you? No, SAG is a motherfucker. See, if you owe me 1,500, SAG wants 4,800. Late fees, movie penalties, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So on paper, all I wanted was 2,200 bucks. That's all I wanted.

I wanted what I was supposed to get. The misunderstanding was not on me. It was clear from SAG, it was them. So as you get on a fucking set, as soon as you touch base in the foreign fucking land, they're supposed to give you paddyum, the script, your own hotel room. They wanted me to share a hotel room with the cameraman.

They never had a script. Wow. And they said, you have to wait like a week for paddyum. What are you fucking talking about? There's a fucking waiter at the restaurant. It's got a tree of weed for me for 100, I swear to God. Guy showed up to my room and he had the stem of a fucking tree.

Holy shit. Lee, it was like this, with buds going all the way fucking down it, just on a fucking stem. Shit, that was from the waiter? From the waiter. As soon as I got there, I went to the restaurant, started talking to him.

He came back out and it was in his pocket. He stuck it in there like a knife. Are you fucking kidding me? And these people didn't have it. I complained, they got pissed off. They said, you can take the next plane out tomorrow. I said, fine. And I left and then I came back, filed the fucking motion.

And then a year later, the guy called me. The story was, the guy owned a strip club and he had a stripper he was in love with. But for her to move in, he had to pay for her first movie. So he went in his pocket and put $300,000 down, put another $150,000 bond through SAG. Damn. Oh yeah, he was in love with this movie.

To get her moving. Just to get her to love him. Like during the shoot, there was drama with him and her. He wanted her to stay in the room. Oh yeah? Yeah, oh, she was holding on to a deal. So he got two movie stars to do the role. You ready?

George Jefferson and the black girl from Baywatch. Yeah. Those were his leading stars. I'm gonna take this to the cinema and then we're gonna win Cannes Award. I'm sitting there going, this is a bunch of bullshit. George Jefferson.

Yeah, and he hired him and some waiter from the strip club to write the script. I saw the first 10 pages, like what I was supposed to read, shit was misspelled. It was just a horror show and it was my fault for being a fucking Gabon. But then.

What, does the job, you gotta go do a job. But then I booked Co-Case. When Co-Case first came on, first fucking came on. I'm on the Co-Case first episode, Julie, how big I was. When it first came on, I clicked on to one, you paid $2 per submission. It came up, it's the breakdowns without the big stuff. They hold out the big stuff

and they give you a lot more non-union stuff if you're starting out. But the early shows, the first season, they don't know what they're looking for. So they go on Actors Access. Bam, I nailed the Co-Case dog. And Co-Case was great the first season. I came on in February, I have to pick up momentum.

Nice. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Joey Bananas? So then that gets added to your resume on the website. So they can constantly see, what's it called? IMDB. No, the one that the casting agents look at.

They say that'll have your resume on it, contact info. All that shit, all that shit's on there. When you sign with a good theatrical agent, like they fucking beat you up about that. Because they know that's where the business is now. It's not about auditions anymore. It's about me sending you real. They just call up now and says,

can you see what Greg Fitzsimons availability is? From November 25th to December 8th. Yep, he's available. Okay, can you send over his real and resume and a headshot? Yep, okay, thank you. And then your agent will call you and say, hey, you just got pinned for those dates. Then they'll call you like, you forgot about it.

You've completely forgotten about it. And they'll call you and they go, hey, I just want to inform you, we're gonna quit casting call. You're not on hold anymore. I figured that by now, you know what I'm saying? It's been a month and a half. I'm not on hold no more.

Well, fucking oop dee doop. Let me just kick you while you're down. You don't even realize you're down. It's really changed, thank God for podcasts. And thank God for that's given people forums and stuff like that, you know? Well, they got to start making small movies again, you know? There's got to be like movies that are made,

it's so much cheaper now with digital, they can actually afford to pay people and do these little movies. But the internet stuff doesn't add up. You'll never make your benefits if it's just web series. You got to get on network TV, even cable, a lot of that stuff doesn't pay. I didn't know, who the fuck knows anymore?

I know that, like the games are on strike, aren't they? The voiceover games, all those games. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, those people on strike. The video game, VO guys? The VO guys, somebody's on fucking strike. Yeah, the animated people were on strike for a minute. It's been, the problem is that you've got the actors union,

the writers guild and the directors guild all lined up with the studios and they renew at different years. So they'll do a three year contract or a five year contract with the writers guild. The following year they re-up with SAG, the following year they re-up, that way the three unions can't come together

and have a front, they split us up. So we have no power individually. We got to all get together in one union. You should put that all together. You got Lisa Yatts on the movement, fucking. What do you think, Leigh? I don't know, I like it, but it's weird. It's weird to think about, because honestly, I'm pretty high

and I didn't hear what you, the union you said. But I was thinking about how I used to be an editor and to hear about all the money actors and stuff make doing short commercials. I can understand why people are going on strike. Like all of those people, when there's people making a lot of money. Like people at the top of these things

are making tons of money. 10 years ago, for three or four years in a row, Ari Shafid, not did great doing commercials. He fucking destroyed them. Oh, he had like three campaigns early on that were killer. See, even the campaigns changed. Yeah. When you would walk into a room,

it would say March 3rd through March 18th. That meant you worked five days. What did that mean? That yeah, so what, they were going to shoot Leigh's commercial for a day. You sat there and took a paycheck. Now it says that, but when you get the call, it's for one afternoon.

Like they don't even give you the whole day and it's some overtime, having a little overtime. Listen, take your time, go take pictures. Go do something, make believe you're a director. Talk about your fucking Paris festival, whatever, you almost got shot, whatever the fuck. What the fuck happened to you? You got drunk with John Travolta, we get it.

Tell the story again. Oh my God, it's such a different fucking world. I was talking to a friend of mine, Greg Powers, today and we were talking about staying grounded, you know, how things have changed in your world. Like the shit I would do 20 years ago, I was never one of those guys that went to premieres to snuck in the parties.

I was always, no, no, no, I was always a no-no where I came from. The only stuff that I ever fucked was the stuff that I pertain to. By the way, there's a movie coming out this week, we're Warren Beatty. You guys see the commercial for it? No.

He plays that fucking dude. Oh, right. I'm in that movie. No shit. I did a day in that movie. What's it called? Who the fuck knows? They just sent me an email maybe a month ago,

invite me to the screening. I shot this two fucking years ago, one day. Wow. You're not gonna even see me. I know you're not gonna see me. I guarantee they caught me because I'm not even on the IMDB. Unless they listed me as mob guys. Rules don't apply?

Rules don't apply. I guarantee they cut my fucks. So you're not going to the party? It was eight weeks ago, four weeks ago. Oh, you didn't go. They emailed me on a Monday for Thursday and I was leaving Thursday. Yeah.

I was leaving town Thursday. So you would have gone. Why not? As long as you don't do it all the time. I mean, going to stuff like that once in a while is kind of fun. What if you ever walk into a place and you're walking around like a fucking retard

and everybody's talking like, say at those parties- You gotta bring somebody. Who are you gonna bring? Bring a friend. Oh, what friend am I gonna bring? You got Lee Syac. And me and him walking into a place,

you got 911 on hold. You got 911 on hold, me and Lee walk into place. Me and Lee are perfect to rob that joint. Lee whips out a machine gun from that fucking jacket of his and I start yelling freeze. Are you fucking kidding me? We walk in a Cuban and a Jew.

You could feel the pressure, you know what I'm saying? We wrap around you like my fingers around that turtleneck. Oh my God. I ain't gonna let him go. I'm not coming up on my leg. I ain't no fool. I got to see a movie. I want a fan to make a movie poster of that image.

No, no, no, no, that image should not be even seen. That's fucking crazy. What do you got going on? What else is happening in your life? How are the children? How's the wife? Wife's good, she's- The road, the road, where you at New Year's Eve, anywhere?

Cobbs in San Francisco. Are you really? Yeah. You have balls of steel. Who's with you? I don't know. A couple other people. Oh yeah, it's one of those shows.

Yeah. 15 minutes? 15, 20 minutes, twice, two shows, done. That's a great fucking show. That's a good gig, huh? That's a great gig, man. And bring the family up. I think we'll drive up the coast for-

We got the whole holiday off. Drive up to San Francisco, run around Golden Gate Park, fucking eat some dim sum. Wake up late. Be great. Not a bad idea for New Year's. The road's empty. You can't flirt with the waitresses though.

If you got your wife there, that's a- You gotta remember. Well, why is your wife gonna come? She's happy at the hotel. They got pay-per-view. They got room service, everything's happy. The kids are entertaining. Yeah, we are.

Bring some board games. Listen, my wife is great. I don't want my wife in a comedy show. Yeah. For me to do my thing, I can't have my wife in the corner. You know, why do you think I don't perform at home at home? I could perform a mile from where I'm from, bananas in Jersey. Yeah.

That's- My whole fucking tribe would come down there. I don't want them hearing what comes out of my mouth now. Oh yeah? Seriously. So you have like a radius that you won't perform? If they really want to see me, they gotta drive. Yeah.

I go to- I go to Stress Factory. Yeah. Which will be an hour away. And to really throw them off, I go into the city. Even though I'm from North Bergen, which is right fucking nine minutes from New York City. Yeah. Well Hudson County, I know for them going into the city is a big fucking deal.

Yeah. Well that's like talking about Southie before. There's people that live in Southie that don't go to downtown Boston. They don't go to any other part of Boston. They just live- Now how big is Southie? It's like a couple square miles. And how far from that is where we stayed this weekend, Lee?

You were right there. Yeah, we stayed right next to the Wilbur, pretty much. Oh, not far. Not far. How far? Ten minute drive. I walk through there. I get mugged.

No. I walk through there, can I accommodate more? Oh yeah. Really? Yeah, there's all Irish bars on the corners. You go into those places, they'll spot you. Somebody knows somebody. Tremendous.

Yeah. Tremendous. Yeah, you can have a good time there. And the bars close early. What time? Two. Two o'clock. Yeah, and then everyone spills into the streets,

and it's all these drunken Boston guys, and they all just start fighting. I was never- God, Lee, I'm so sorry. And there's not even two. Most of it's $12.45. That's the last call. $12.45.

When I was there. So yeah. Yeah. Right. And it's crazy. And some of you can pay, but I think it's like millions of dollars to extend it to $145. Let's get something straight.

I was never captain fucking midnight. There was a time where I was forced to be captain midnight because I really had no home. So what was I going to go home for? To sleep and think about missing my parents and shit like that. I got to stay out. Yeah. I got to stay out.

It was so funny. When I went home with my family, I took them to Rudy's, where I've been eating since I was 17. Where's Rudy's? Rudy's in Cliffside Park, New Jersey. Okay. We used to walk three miles on Monday night football

in the dead of the winter, me and this dude named Tommy Russo. And we'd go in there. We were 16 and a half and they'd serve us. Heineken on top with calamari with medium sauce. What are you fucking nuts? We'd be in there living like fucking Johnny LaBamba, that motherfucker.

We'd make believe we had pinky rings, even though we didn't. And then shit. I swear to God, in those days it was like 30 bucks, 20 bucks. And we had it. Yeah. And I've been going,

every time I go home, I hit Rudy's. It's still there. Still there. I won't even eat calamari nowhere else. Like I got pictures of it on my phone. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect.

And I mean, Pete, if you go there, there's two competitors. It's that one that used to be a place called Patsy's. Patsy's finally went under. But all those years I stayed loyal to fucking Rudy's. One time I disrespected Rudy's. I went to Patsy's because Mikey Batoli was taking me out to lunch and he kept telling me

I had to go, I had to go, I had to go. But the whole time I couldn't even, that's how much I respect. It's like, it's like my passion for Chinese restaurants. I have such a respect for Chans that I had a boycott California Chinese food. Really? Like I finally, I couldn't do it anymore.

Because every time I go home, I'd realize how bad the food I was eating here. Fuck over here. My main man came up to me this week like a man and he said he went to eat and he realized the same thing. You forget and you order it and you order it and one day you go,

what the fuck am I eating? This ain't beef and oyster sauce. This is beef and soy sauce with onions and fucking rice. I'm gonna fill it up on fucking rice and a wontongue that tastes like dick. You bite into a dim sum or a dumpling and it's a ball. What do you think is in that ball? You think that's real meat?

That's what they don't use on the fucking, you know what I'm saying? That's right, that's right. It's always a little rubbery. That's rubbery. But they mix it all together. They put the eyeball with the fucking legs. They throw a little bit of pork balls in there and a pig's ears and a pig's tail.

And it tastes kind of, that's what gives it the flavor. Is the pig. But everything else you're eating, they fucking grind down the shrimp, the tails, that's who you're eating in there. They give it that fishy flavor and shit. People are like, oh my God, that's a fucking shrimp snail. You're fucking moron.

Yeah, that's some mystery meat, the dumpling meat. There was a Chinese restaurant I went to in Boulder. I loved them. I adored them. They really saved my life. I could talk all this shit about first of all, I loved them. I loved them so much, I went to work for them. Like I called them one day and I had my daughter with me at the time.

I was a fucking bum, man. You know, and they came and I was going to pull a quick one out of them. I was going to make them come and say, I couldn't find my wallet. And I went out there and I go, you know, I called you and I realized I can't find my wallet. I go, let's take the food, call me when you find your wallet. My heart broke that night. I went and I broke the money. And after that, we just became friends.

The guy goes, listen, you ever have a problem? You could put it on the tab. Your family. I was like, really? I started putting it on the tab. I get a hundred dollars. I pay him. One day I went in there and we did a delivery driver.

Uncle Joey's here. Never seen. I was selling Coke too at the same time. So I was delivering Coke in Chinese food. If you want a Coke, you got to buy a pint of rice something. But they growled something. Shrimp Fuyang. Oh, that's hilarious.

Boulder was great. Boulder was really great. What an eight ball. I've had a great fucking time. I really had. I'm trying to write this book and as I'm writing it, Greg, it's so weird that reading the shit the next morning makes me sad. But at the same time, it takes me to a certain time period that made me laugh.

Even though I had that sadness, which is kind of hard to explain. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, Jesus. How long have you been writing it for? 18 fucking years. I'm on chapter one and a half. 18 years. I'm on one and a half.

Come on, man. That shit's got to get out there. I read on writing 18 times. Nothing. Nothing. You do your 20 minutes every morning? Every fucking morning. I do a little more and sometimes I read it the next morning and I realize I got to tone the

reefer down or do more CBD oil. I do something to get focused. I'm talking about my life and also I'm talking about the circus and Barnum and Bailey Circus and fucking the Lop Lepids. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with your ideas? I got to start from scratch and move shit around. You need an editor. I need a lot of things, Doug.

And then it is the worst thing. Well, that is the worst, the least of my fucking nightmares, you know? Let me ask you something. How old were you when you got it together, Greg? Lee and I had a great conversation this weekend and it's been haunting him. And it's been haunting me because it started to make me think of what age finally something hits you and says, well, how long am I going to fucking be mugging people? I think, well, I was never obviously like you.

I had a, I had some drinking problem and I stopped that, but it wasn't until my father died. That just fucking snapped me into it. Then all of a sudden I just, I just took stuff a little bit more seriously, but I also had more fun at the same time. How old were you? 23. That's when it all came together? 24.

You knew what you wanted to do after that? I want to be a comedian. I want to be a writer and a comedian. And so in a way, it took a tragedy. I think so. You know, because I think I had a lot of, I wanted to impress my father and get his acceptance. And once that was gone, it sort of let me go after it on my own terms more.

I always felt like I was still looking for his approval. I was fucking 23 years old doing stand-up. I'm a feature act, you know, not making a lot of money, but paying the rent. He knew I was a working comic, but, but when he came out to see me, I would still like, I'd get tight and I'd walk off feeling like a fucking child, you know. Yeah. I wouldn't want family to see me doing stand-up. It would fucking shock me.

But now I was just talking to Lee and I was about 32, but it was a time when I had to be brutally honest with myself. Yeah. Like I was really, I was just spinning my wheels. I was doing stand-up, which was giving me a little hope and not enough hope. But in the back of my mind, there was hope, but I was just spinning my fucking wheels. And I had to do like an inventory. And I always believe in the Abe Lincoln clothes, where you, you put your benefits and your,

you know, like in your, your benefits and what's the opposite of benefits? Deficits. Oh, cons. Excuse me? Pros and cons. The pros and cons. Yeah. Whatever.

And boy, there was no pros. There was like two pros compared to 80 cons. Yeah. You know. And you got to be brutally honest. And you were 33? I was about 32, man. My world came on my shoulders.

I had already been married, had a kid, done time, and I had, I was a, listen, man, you know, I wake up and thank the Lord every day because from 20 to 30, I have no idea. I have no idea how that even happened. You know, one day you just 30 fucking two and you got 32 fucking problems and the bitch ain't one. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. 32 sounds about right. You've gone far enough down that when you make a change, it's going to stick.

Well, at 32, I had done it all. Yeah. That's it. I don't, I couldn't, at 32, I could already written a book, plain and simple. That was my biggest mistake, not sitting down right there because at 32, that was a fucking book already. That was a tremendous book already. Then 32 by the fucking mercy of God, I got on stage and that changed me.

That was like fucking it like that. That was like a punch to the fucking mouth. But then I even went more rock bottom, maybe four or five years after that, but I was still holding on to comedy and I was still going on every night and doing comedy, regardless of what was going on, how I was feeling. But then I had to make a choice and I had to write some shit down and you know what, in hindsight, I made the right choice. I made the right decision.

I went for it and you and I had a conversation 20 years later. Yeah. I can't believe I left all the 20 fucking 21 years ago and it went quick, man. It went, when did you leave Boston? 90. Well, I went from Boston and New York in 93 and then I came out here in like 99. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Me and Rogan, we figured the other day, we started fucking 28 years ago or something. Same time, same place and very different paths, you know, he got in the sitcoms really fast. I mean, remember when Joe was coming up in Boston, he was like the guy other comics were afraid of, like all the season headliners, they didn't want to go on after him anymore. So all of a sudden he went from opening to headlining without ever being a feature. He just went straight to it and, you know, he just stuck with it. And, you know, that was the same, same time that you started comedy was probably when I, that was a turning point that my dad died and I had just started comedy a couple years before it.

And now it's about getting free again. You know, with the kids. The kids that would keep you grounded. Correct. Yeah. Right. It's, I like what's going on right now. You know, as I was leaving now, we were watching world news tonight as we do as a family.

She has this little pad and it's her pooter. Pooter. Her computer. Uh-huh. You know, uh, and she was sitting like on my lap and my wife was on the couch. We were watching fucking world news tonight. The black lady died and, and the guitarist died. Leon Russell, piano player.

And, uh, I look at marriage. I go, marriage, I gotta leave, you know, I gotta go to work and she gives me a kiss. And as I'm walking out the door, I sit to my wife, I love you. And all of a sudden I hear that little voice going, I love you daddy. You know what I'm saying? You're like, what the fuck do I want to go? Yeah. What disco do I want to go to?

What club and the VIP talking to some assholes? What coffee shop? Right. I don't want to leave here to do nothing. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're like, what the fuck am I thinking? Yeah. Right.

That's why when sometimes people ask me to, uh, you know, do their shows. Some guys got a fucking show at a coffee shop and it's got a wheel that spins. And then if your name comes up, that's when you go on and you're standing around like an asshole. Everybody get there at eight o'clock, show goes till 10. They don't tell you when you're on. No, no, no. And you're all supposed to hang around back. It's like, I don't have time for that shit anymore.

Those days are done. I got to go in and out of there. You know, the comedy store runs on schedule. Boom. They stay right on. Wherever I go there, it runs on schedule. You know, nobody pops in that they do their 15 minutes behind. Right.

Usually you bump into somebody, you enjoy talking to anyway for 15 minutes. The comic you haven't seen or something. What about flappers? Great place. I'm going to be there this Thursday. My first time going in a headliner. Now just one night, headlining this Thursday, the 17th. I'm going to tell you how cool Barbara is.

I'm in that motherfucker Valentine's Day, nine o'clock. She's letting me roll the dice and do what the fuck I wanted. Valentine's Day. Yeah, you know, the you who room is where basically I put the early footwork down for my special. Yeah. 55 people. No pressure.

You do 35 people. You sold it out on a Tuesday night. You charge 10, five hours. You get a little workout. People that want to come see you, you tell people on the podcast. This is not going to be Carnegie Hall. Great fit Simmons. This is great fit Simmons with a notebook.

Just talking from the heart. Some shit you might like. Some shit, you know, the last 10 minutes, I go to fucking form and close out strong. But do some dick jokes. Yeah. For 15 minutes, it's just going to be what's on the notebook. Yeah. It was a fucking great time, which I should have taped.

We do have more of them. Lee has all the tapings, all those flappers, all those ice house shows. Are you save all those ice house shows? Yeah. On tape, not on video tape. Right. You know what I'm saying? I said, Lee, who the fuck knows?

Who the fuck knows? Maybe we'll put them all together and sell them for $2 and donate the money to cats or some shit like that. I'll have to buy a cat. That's hilarious. That's the first charity you think of is fucking cats. Why not? Like some fucking shelter that they don't kill cats. They take a lot of money.

Yeah. Yeah. We got dirty cats and they got to pay for litter. Fucking love. You got some volunteers. By how long are you going to hang out with cats? A month and one day you go home. What the fuck am I doing in my life?

You smoking joint or something that fucking shit that's going around? And all of a sudden you're sitting there putting your shoes on. They smell like cat litter. You got a rash on your face and shit. Lee, where's Tony Bennett? You hook them up or what? You're slipping, cocksucker. Monday, November 14th, it's half over, cocksuckers.

I want to be a pig. Take it, Lee. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as smart as I. For somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn. Look at Lee, that chocolate took you over the top, didn't it? It fucking put me over the top, Jack.

I don't know what it was, but yeah. I just went into a deep fucking. I swear to God, I just went somewhere deep into the hemisphere. I was thinking about something. You went to college. You graduate? Yeah. I almost graduated college, dog.

And then I went to prison. Do you know that? That was in Boulder? In the middle of all that, I was 18 credits away and I was up there. I was rocking and rolling. I had good grades, but one day the guy came to me. He goes, this is the next semester. You've got to take like an intro to sociology.

And I had like a side counselor in those days. I had the girl I was married to, her dad thought he was like a fucking intellectual. And he used to always tell me, don't take those sociology classes. You know, and I'm like, they're making me take it. You got to take two of these fucking dummy classes, whatever you describe. We call them dummy classes. So I ended up taking intro to social and something else. The intro to social, I don't even remember what the fuck we talked about in there.

But the other one was very interesting. We went in there and the guy goes, I want you to do me a favor. This is your assignment. I want you to watch do the right thing and tell me what you see. I went home fucking furious. I didn't want to watch do the right fucking thing. That was the last movie I ever wanted to fucking watch. In those days, when that movie came, listen, if it wasn't a Charles Bronson movie,

a Steven Seagal movie or the never movie, you were in no fucking danger. But I paid for the fucking class. I might as well do the right thing and watch do the right thing. I watched this movie and the first time I basically peed my pants. I haven't laughed this fucking hard in five fucking years. No, at this time, yeah, it had been six years since I had been in that New Jersey vibe where everybody knew everybody at the deli and people said we had shit. But at the end of the day, we hung out, the blacks hung out with the blacks.

There's a scene in there with the guy from Taxi Driver. No, with a guy from Dihunter, John. Hurt? No, John Voight. No, John. Pump up Dihunter. There's a guy, we just spoke about him. I did a movie with him.

Very nice guy. He's the white guy in the Dihunter that doesn't go to Vietnam. Not Fredo, but the other dude, John Sumpton is his name. Anyway. Let's see here. Hey, don't fucking matter. What are we talking about here? What are we talking about?

Talking about starting off in college. John Savage. John Savage. Yeah. John Savage is the, have you seen Do The Right Thing? Yeah. John Savage is the white guy that steps on the black dude, Sneakers, he's from Boston.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, right. He has the Boston shirt on. And you're from Boston. No, I'm not. I own this. Ah, and they all change. You know, Do The Right Thing blew my mind. Yeah.

Because it let me, where I was living, I was taming it down a little bit, but it let me realize I was okay. All right. And it was about, the true meaning about was the neighborhood, and the Irish were on one corner, and the Jews were on the other corner, and the Koreans were on the one corner, and we all said fuck the Irish, and the Jews said fuck the Irish, but the Irish said fuck the Jews.

But at the end of the day, we all made it work. Because we know deep down inside, we do business one another. Are you kidding? You know, even though that the specter came over here, give me a little bit, where'd he go? You know what I'm saying? You know me. You know my family.

You know my father. You know my mother. You know my sister. Yeah, and then one day your brother comes in to work, and you flirt with my sister, and she walks away, and your brother says to you, great, what the fuck? You can't be talking to these big chicks. But you're like, are you fucking kidding me?

She brought me a Cuban sandwich the other day. Look at her in that dress. She's beautiful. I would dump my little Stacy for her. You know what I'm saying? Even though, but at the end of the day, we all got along. And sometimes, and I'm not, listen, I'm not here. Sticking up for anybody, or voting for anybody, or just saying anything.

I think that's what happened with Trump in a way. I think that's what happened with Trump in a way. I think he's, dog, I say some outlandish shit. Is it from the fucking heart? Come on, Greg, you know people. You know it's not from the fucking heart. But it's how guys like you and I were raised. You heard the word spect growing up in Boston a few times.

The fucking specter was at the store. Whatever the fuck. And one of you said, well, you fucking kidding me? That guy's got good cake. He's got good cake in there. You ever have the cake? And I'm like, what are you kidding me? It's a fucking speck.

You know, it, it, it all works. It's not like you're going in there with bats without kites. Blowing up my ice cream machine and shit. You know, you just say the fucking speck store. Why grew up in Jersey? There was a speck store on the corner of 40th Street right there. They used to make the best Cuban sandwiches. And no matter how many specks you hated,

you were in there once a day for one of those Cuban sandwiches with onions, with hot sauce on that motherfucker. What? In the dead of a winter, he had air conditioning. He would let you eat in there in the corner with a nice tea with the cup, when they were fucking still in cartons. That's how long ago. Yeah.

Fuck you. It works. I think people, you know, listen, man. All right. Let me give you an example. By the year ago, what the fuck am I? I met that sushi place I like over on Ventura. I'm sitting in mind of my own business.

It's about one o'clock. I don't go in there during lunchtime. I go there about 130 because during lunchtime, you get too many fucking hypocrites going in there. So I go in there around 130. There's nobody in the corner. There's a TV right above me. I sit in there.

The place is fucking empty. Also, I look up and there's a fucking chick sitting next to me. Between you and I, she can't be more perfect. Just how I like them. Spring dress on, banging Asian. I don't know the denomination. 30 feet. Oh, she had flip flops on.

Even better. Yeah. Her toenails are done. I look over. I'm sitting there. I'm looking at it. And I'm watching the TV. But while I'm sitting there, I'm thinking to myself,

what if, what if I just dove between her fucking legs right now and ate her pussy, right? But by that time, the sushi guy came and dropped that filly roll on me with Noah's Paragus. And I killed that fucking savage. And I paid my bill and I left. But the more the story is, does that make me sexist? You know what I'm saying?

Does that make me fucking sexist? I'm sitting there minding my own business. The restaurant is completely open. She's got to sit next to me. Really? Really? There used to be a show on HBO when you were very young called The Hitchhiker.

Yeah, I remember that. Midnight, one in the morning. It was about a guy that was lonely. He'd be hitchhiking. And somebody would bring him home, suck his dick. Every week. Scrub his nutsack. It was, oh my god, I had to be about 11.

I didn't jerk off then, but I'd watch the whole episode with enthusiasm. Like, my head was going to blow up. Like, something right here. Yeah, that was the first, like, dirty series. Yes, Lee. She's like this. It was like the red something diary, red dress,

diaries or something. And then there was that. Was it on like a Cinemax on HBO? HBO. I think it was HBO. HBO. Dirty. Dirty.

I thought it was like, see? The Hitchhiker. And he'd be driving. He'd be walking down the road. HBO at first. I'm talking about when they had the football series. Yeah. For something.

And then after that was the show. This is when HBO didn't have a lot of content. And they repeated the same thing only out of order. But when that show was on, it was 1983. And it was basically fourth and down. Something like that. It was a football show. And then after that was the Hitchhiker or bedtime diaries.

Yeah. And then after that was some fucking bug, some fucking thing in the theater. And it was like a spooky show. And by that time, I'd be all jerked up. I'd be in bed. Fuck that. And the USA had a great show.

Up all night with... Night Flight. Oh, right. Night Flight. Yeah. You would get home early. Like you'd say, wait a second. I got 200.

I'm going to drop a G-bow. That's a gram. I'm going to get a quarter ounce of weed. That's another 50. That leaves me with 50. I got two options here. I could take the G-bow and do it up on Friday night. And then I'm dead Saturday.

Or I get the fucking quarter of a weaver, get a steak, get a salad, smoke some reefer and stay in and watch Night Flight. That's how good Night Flight was. Yeah. Started at nine o'clock. You already had the blankie on your feet. All your friends were out jerking off.

We had a great time last night. Not as good as me, bitch. I had a bong with snow in it, with salami sandwiches watching Night Flight like a motherfucker. Doing a bong every 15 minutes and shit. And Night Flight would end at five in the morning, Lee. That's when I was a professional.

That's when I was Lee, Jr. And I would move to do two things. Go to the bathroom or get more salami out of the refrigerator. That was it. What is it like to smoke out of a bong with snow in it? Snow. That's how I was living in Colorado. And the snow was right outside my door.

It snowed 25 days in a row straight when I lived there one time. Like they were saying it's not going to snow this season. They're going to close them. I used to listen to Paul Harvey then. I was a construction guy. I was an electrician. And I just listened to Paul Harvey. The slopes of Colorado are bare.

You know, they might not be open by Thanksgiving. Dog, it started snowing like on the 21st. And it didn't end until December. You thought you lived in hell. You'd leave your house. It was snowing. You'd come home. It was snowing.

You'd go to bed. It was snowing. And you'd wake up when it was snowing. Sometimes heavy, sometimes light. Tremendous. Yeah. It's kind of dark when it's like that too. It's fucking.

Snowmass was like a central thing. I lived on the one end of it. And then you crossed over and there was a hotel named the Stonebridge. They advertised on Facebook. I see them on Facebook. Now I used to have a fucking room there. I was security there for about a month or two. They gave me a spare bedroom.

I had a safe in there with cocaine, like a savage, right? Oh, I was confused with them. You were living in the room? Not at all. I had clothes in there and a toothbrush. And I think twice I went in there and I would stand that paranoid and jerk off. You know, pee and a beer bottle and shit. And then in the morning fucking go out there and throw away the beer bottles

and make believe it didn't happen. I don't remember that. I don't think there was a bathroom. Something was weird about it. It was the security part of the hotel. So they gave you a room with a shower but no toilet. Something crazy. A toilet but no shower.

I don't remember what it was. Fucking craziness. Yeah. What's up, Lisa? At my little brother? You're sitting there like fucking googly come. What happened? No, I'm just listening.

It's, uh, I missed when we were driving to Foxwood. It was pretty cool. But, you know, we don't get that around here. So it's like all concrete and dust and... Oh, you got snow up there? What? No, there's no snow. No, this last weekend I did Wilbur on Friday and I did Foxwood's on Saturday,

which I really fucking enjoyed Foxwood's. I really fucking did. Like it's some casinos you go to and you're like, I'm never ever coming here again. This one, I'll be there tomorrow if they want to be. I wish they did something. I would fucking live there. You just did one night there.

Yeah, that's it. And I really liked it. They used to have a comedy club there. So I guess they have a smaller room somewhere. That'd be a nice place to just fucking hang out for a year, crack jokes. Yeah. Get a couple rooms, go to the sauna,

include a massage one or two weeks. I'm getting old, dawg. I ain't got time for this shit, getting my planes and shit. Right. Yeah, I like to do a residence, man. I could do that. I could live in Vegas for a year, you know? Just do the same gig every night.

Keep the door if I can promote it a little bit yourself. I could live in Vegas and do a podcast with my main man here. My main man, all I gotta do is say the word. We're gonna move into Vegas in 30 days. He'd come back to me and say, Joey, I already looked at property online. I looked at Yelp. Oh yeah?

I'd be broke in six months. I need like a personal don't go gambling coach to like smack me every time because I would love, I love gambling. Didn't you gamble this last week? I won, yeah. What time did you leave to go gamble? That's what I wanted to know. I didn't do it.

I didn't spend any time in the room. So you went upstairs, dumped your stuff and went right to the casino. The shower didn't work. So yeah, this was like, fuck it. And what did you play? Blackjack, as always. And did you win? Yeah.

How much did you win? 50 bucks. I didn't get a five or a 10, nothing. Nothing comes my way. Let him win his beak. Nothing, nothing. This is what I'm living with. Just some respect.

Four years of college break for the sim is nothing. He doesn't even come with a cup of coffee, dog. I won 50. 50, this is $3, but fuck it. At least you made a gesture. I'll forget about the seventh. You know what I'm saying? I apologize.

I'll bring dollars. He gave you nothing. You flew him in. Unbelievable. He wins 50 bucks and he's fucking right back to his room. No, not even a flower. He could have bought me a flower from an Asian person. I brought you a lobster tail.

He did. He brought me a lobster tail. Oh, did he? All right. Yeah, he couldn't bring me a workout. He brought me a lobster tail, but it was pretty good. Yeah. He had a cookie upstairs and some mouse.

And after we left the fucking, uh, uh, the, uh, all, that was never the seafood place. Legal seafood. Legal seafood. He was acting funny. And I knew he was up to something. He went right upstairs and hailed that lobster tail. Oh, yeah.

And the fanny pack. Yeah, it was never the funny bunny. Whoopie pie. Whoopie pie. He couldn't leave through the other whoopie pie. A mini whoopie pie from Bova's. Then he went the next day. I walked five miles, but he ate a pie and then he walked back.

Like, you know what I'm saying? He's trying to tell me he exercised. He walked five miles, but he had two pies and meatball sandwich. He's looking to me in the face. Tell him he had a slice. I know this motherfucker like the back of my hand. He went there. He got ice cream, five miles.

He's trying to tell me he walked five miles. I remember when we first got here, Ralphie May first got signed by, uh, the lab factory. And the first thing Jamie said to him was like, Ralphie, you have to work out. You got to lose a little weight, Ralphie. So they tried to like get him like a dietitian and they got him like an exercise guy.

Ralph refused the exercise guy. He's like, listen, I exercised on my own. And they're like, what are you talking about? And they're like, Ralphie, please. He goes, I got up at six in the morning. Nobody's around. I walked four or five miles. You know?

Okay. So somebody put like watch on it to see if this is going on. And one day I got the call. You got to go over there and talk to him. And I actually went over there and knocked on the door, opened the door. There's nothing but curtains. You think there's a crack hole in there, right?

Oh, yeah. And Ralphie's in the bed just, just covering this bed. All you see is his hands sticking off the mattress. And I go, Ralphie, what's up? He's like, ooh, nearly. He's like, Coco, man, I just got back from my eight mile walk, man. He hadn't left the fucking house.

No shit. Yeah. He would never, you know. Yeah. These guys come up to me. I had walked five miles. This guy has a hard time walking to fucking. He walks the subway sandwich.

Yeah. I have evidence of periscope, by the way. He's never walked to Popeye's chicken because I would kill him. No, dude, if I walk to Popeye's chicken, you have spies in the area. I know you do. Listen, you can't go to Popeye's chicken. And they're 92 pieces of chicken.

But you go to Popeye's chicken and maybe get a fucking wing and a leg, get a little dirty rice, do a dual thing, get the fucking sweet tea. It ain't going to kill you. It ain't going to kill you. You just can't go in there and eat the fucking potatoes and the french fries and the fucking bond. Why, did he quit going there?

He quit going there? No, no, no. We were talking about it then. You know, it's not a bad place. Right. But the walk, he had sent them back three days. Right. He's trying to tell me he got up in Boston,

walked five miles. I didn't. Look at that. And only one slow. You only ate one slice. And you know when I ate the fucking... Did you eat on camera? No.

All right then. I didn't eat it. But what did you put on camera then? The walking. Okay. So the walking's on camera. Yes, sir. But the eating isn't.

I ate the slice of pizza. You know what I'm saying though? Do you know how... Now you tell me if this is law and order. Listen, not covering the whole day. Listen, you know how cool I am? This is like an OJ tape. You know how cool I am?

I went and I called and I went and I got the slice of pizza in between and in the UFC fight. I was trying to get the stream when I got back. I was trying to stream the McGregor fight, but it didn't work. But I got the slice of pizza before the fight came back on. What did you just say to me? I have no idea.

Did you... Let me ask you something. When you walked the five miles. Yes. Did you eat the slice of pizza? No. Did you... You just walked the five miles and didn't eat nothing?

We went to Legals. That's what I mean about my mom. So after the five mile walk is when we went to Legals. Yes, sir. You did not walk the five miles and get the slice of pizza. No, sir. When was the slice of pizza? And after I came back from Fox Woods.

And I went upstairs and I called you like one, like, what are you doing? And I was sitting here and I'm hungry. I'm hungry too. Call me if you go eat. I never heard from him again. I did too call you. Never heard from him again.

He took off. Now that's... So one in the morning you walked five miles. God, no. One in the morning I walked like two minutes to the place on the corner. I called you too. No, you didn't not call me. Nobody knocked on my door with a slice after you won the 50.

So you won the 50. You didn't even knock on my door with a slice, a pepperoni pie, a soda, a diet, Dr. Pepper, nothing. A t-shirt from the gift shop? Nothing. This is what I'm talking about, ladies and gentlemen. Four years of Emerson College. They don't teach you fucking schmooze in 101.

No. You gotta, you know, this guy flew you in. He's paying for your upgrade. It's not even... Forget about it. This is my brother. I don't give a fuck about flying. He's my brother.

I love bringing him with me. He's just, you know, he's just Johnny Bananas. When I take him to some places, he goes on missions. I'd rather have... He makes me nervous because this motherfucker all walked eight miles and took a Uber for a hot dog. Yeah. Because he saw it on dives, drives, and automobiles.

That makes me fucking nervous. Yeah. I don't know what neighborhood this is. I don't know these people. All right. You following me? That's where ever it is he goes. In Jersey, we're shooting a fucking documentary.

We go to better two in the morning. I go to get them at five. There's pizza boxes and chicken McNuggets. I go, where the fuck did these come from? I walked across the street at five in the morning. To the gas station. You trust those people? Oh, you should have seen the room.

Oh, man. It was Domino's. It was not gas station. You got the fuck Domino's. He walked to the gas station. Got ribs from a jet. Oh, my God. There was barbecue sauce everywhere.

He's got three hours to sleep because he has to eat. Unbelievable. This guy goes out the window. My defense, you're giving me like my first major edibles. You're giving me the banana bread and just leaving me there with like dinner three hours ago. And we brought home Chinese. I left them with an egg roll.

No, I didn't get Domino's that night. Oh, you got Domino's the night before we got to Canada Airport. Yeah. I went up to get them four in the morning. What's the smell? I thought it was some fucking velalooly. You know what I'm saying? He's got pizza and those rolls, cheese rolls and shit.

He's got his feet up like fucking feet out. What a life. He's a fucking lurker in the middle of the night. Yeah. And I'm trying like I forgot about 24 hour room service. I always fucking forget it's worth the extra 50 because you're always hungry at two in the morning when you wake up.

Yeah. And they don't have the best shit and they rip you the fuck off. As you're signing the bill, you're like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? It's like three different service charges. Oh my God. Oh my God. You know, when I go to Vegas, they give you an account

so I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Listen, I'll pay you 15 to go get me eggs. If I don't have to walk that walk of death downstairs through the cigarette smoke, to the cloud of death, to the waitress of one eye. The sadness on everybody's face. Yeah.

Three guys like Lee wrestling for a hot dog at eight. Every time I go to the South Point and I walk past the hot dog cart, I think about Lee and they just put in a sign, three hot dogs a lot. They have like a picture of Lee. We went to the South Point. He killed that black dude. That black, Lee kept going back and forth like a fucking yo-yo

because it's like 10 feet from the sports book. Yeah. Hilarious. When those hot dogs, when I put them, that dude turned that side around. I've never gotten more than like two hot dogs like that. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it, Lee.

You killed that poor man. No, I did not. Yes, because after- And it's a woman. No, it's a black dude. Because what happened was you had like three or four of them and then I left and you went back there and you got like two more and took them up to a room

with like a cheesecake or something. Because it's like, oh, no, no, they have the bookie thing. Then they got the fucking hot dog stand. But 43 yards from the hot dog stand. And that might be exaggerated. It might be 32. There is a place that if you're a fat fuck and you like marijuana, your diet will fail.

Like whatever system you run, it will fail. The food isn't bad, but the bakery is on the point. Really? If you really like bakery stuff and you got an east coast flat here, I don't know the name of it. Lee, you know the bakery which Larry always got us the fucking cake from.

Right, yeah. How good is that cake? You took that to your room, cock sucker. I mean, it's like, oh, yeah, he killed that motherfucker. Yeah, he bought it for me and then you like, and then you got mad that I was gonna- I didn't fucking buy it for you, cock sucker. I would never buy it.

Oh, your friend did. Larry bought it for us and I didn't want it and there was an extra one. And Lee looked at me like, fucking, I'll take it to go. I'm like, Lee, you're not gonna eat that. Sure enough. He got up in the middle of that sleepwalking. Did you?

Oh, he's a lawyer. I had the cake. I don't trust him. And then he'll go, listen, I'll take him to Austin and he'll go like on Yelp or something. At least in Austin, we have our boy Bobby Sharon. But if not, he'll go on like Yelp or something but they have good ribs and he'll go some bad fucking neighborhood.

You know? Just getting an Uber and go? Yeah, he's that kind of what I could do because the ribs are good. I saw it on TV and next thing you know, I'm nervous. I'm like an uncle. I lose them on the road. I gotta fucking tell people what happened.

He got stabbed at the Mexican restaurant. Why did he go there? I don't fucking know. He saw it on fucking Food Hub or whatever the fuck it is. So now you gotta go wherever he goes. You gotta be alert. No, so I try to take him to good places to keep his curiosity away.

But he's just got this fucking monkey on his back. He's like Joey Diaz 10 years ago. Yeah. You know, you gotta go somewhere where you're not supposed to be. Last time we went to Austin, he looked me in the face with all the barbecue and all the pappadose. He looked me.

He called me and he says he was going to take a cab to an all you can eat Chinese buffet. In Austin? That's the last place you would even think about Chinese food. This is where dudes and butts wanted to go eat. They saved him from himself. I had to call Bobby Sharon and go, Bobby, you gotta help me. You gotta take this kid out of his room to fucking a barbecue.

He took him to Chewie's. He almost had a heart attack. Because if not, he's dangerous to himself. Chinese food at Austin. He's horrible. He's got food poisoning. He's giving everybody food poisoning. Well, Chinese food was close.

And you're talking about don't go far away. No, there was a lot of things. You could pop a dozer's right across the street with a 19 page fucking menu. Cut it out, cocksucker. Why take a chance? I don't know. Even Columbus wouldn't go to that Chinese restaurant.

In the stands. What else you got going on? Kill and talk to me. Always a pleasure talking to you, man. I know. When I go on your podcast, we laugh our ass off. Fuck, man. Lee's the fucking powerhouse of the show.

Look at him. He's something about Lee's presence. It just makes you not worry about anything. He's like a Buddha. I'm happy. I'm happy that. Lee's got the watch. I don't know.

He's got the watch. That fucking chocolate put you over the top. Is it chocolate pot or mushrooms? Oh, it's this chocolate we used to eat maybe a year and a half ago. And we get desperate. It was the very beginnings of us kicking up the edibles. It said 240 on the box. And him and I would split it.

It was 120 and we would get sizzled. Fucking sizzled on 120. And then one day, well, like two boxes and we had to eat it. Oh, we went deep. He almost barfed the poor guy. But he ate the chocolate and we got fucked up. But then something happened. The guy who was making the shipment would let him sit in his car too long.

So they would melt in the wrapper and then you get them and they'd be like cooked, but now frozen again. So they went downhill for a while. When they made a comeback with a whole new fucking line, plus different flavors like chocolate espresso or something caramel or just some regular milk chocolate. Yeah. So I was in there tonight getting the other shit we get.

Because we're out of stars even though we ate one. And I saw they were back and the girls like they're 240 milligrams. People really like them. I said, you have to tell me about them. Me and Lee saw the fucking devil two or three times on them. I got a package of those and that's what we opened up. We opened up under the piratee first. Yeah.

Little chocolate like the French people, you know what I'm saying? Nice. And then we went over to gummy bears. There's a little fucking death gummy. Cushy something. They fucking kill you. You know, we go low caloric. Right.

We don't like eating cookies or cakes. No, I can just see your guys, your bodies. They really show a lot of training. Training big time fucking training. I'm telling you, I'm fucking sizzle. Yeah. That chocolate's got my eyes all fucked up. Wait, 240.

That 240 is that normal for like if somebody eats gummy bears? How many milligrams is that? We always got to remember that we eat a lot of stars of death. Like the amount of stars, like those are the 125s. Those are the small ones. We eat those on bad nights. Like anarchy edibles. We love anarchy and the anarchy edibles is our main thing.

Yeah. Star one edibles. That's what they are on Twitter now. They're our main motherfuckers. They always come through for us. The owners are tremendous. The product I still, I think we've been doing the stars now for 18 months. And they still fucking catch me off guard.

Yeah. But I know how to do them now. I stay off them for a week. I give them 10 days. Once I do a star, I won't do them. Like we're finished. I won't see him now for 10 days. I don't want to see him.

I'll eat different. And now what, so him and I could devour 1,400 milligram of stars. That'll put a regular person in the hospital. That'll put anybody I know in the hospital. You start hearing voices. You go deep. You get in your car. Fox will do this.

You have a hard time putting your seat belt on. But we've built a tolerance of 1,200 to 1,400 milligrams. So I like to switch it up. I'm not fucking retarded. It's just like cocaine. If you show up with a pound of cocaine, no matter how good it is after four nights, I ain't the same shit I was doing the first night.

Now I'm doing an ounce of it. That's where you start fucking eating up the profit. Yeah. It's the fourth night because now you're banging on an ounce. The first night you did two grams and you saw the devil. The second night the chick came over. She dressed up like a cheerleader. You had dead dick.

Yeah, dead dick. You're freezing up her ass with a little bit of code. It's just like marijuana. I can't smoke the same stuff every day. I got three different, four different briefs. And I switch them up. So with the animals, we do the same thing. So remember, we might be able to eat 1,200 of the stars,

but if me and him were to eat 2,40 of that chocolate tonight, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. I'd be drooling because I could feel the gummy bear took us to the bridge. The chocolate pushed us into the bridge. You know what I'm saying? That's the best way to describe it. Not over the bridge. No, that's something George Washington would say.

He'd be happy right now, pot being legal. All those founding fathers, they'd be fucking smiling and saying, finally, they believe in weed. You know, listen, you know, I love you to death. I don't know the history of weed. I know the history of weed as far as 1973. After that, I don't know it. You guess what, between you and I, I don't give a fuck.

I know about weed since like 1968 because my mom smoked very once a week, but I smelt it. It wasn't what they smoked in the cigarettes when they played cards and shit. Something wasn't up. Something wasn't right, but I had a godfather, Catholicism godfather, and as crazy as he was, he picked me up every Saturday and take me for a sandwich and watching a movie on 42nd Street. And by the end, he fucking sparked one. And he started giggling like, oh, fuck, that's the same smell I smell at the house once.

You start figuring it out. You're not a fucking moron. All right. And then he would giggle and crack jokes and show me his gun. He wouldn't act like he did an hour ago. Something wasn't right with that fucking wacky tobacco. Got baked and started showing the gun around to a kid. That's fucking great.

He took his gun after Dirty Harry after Dirty Harry. Like he took me to the movie, the whole walk. He told me about the gun. It's a 38 Magnum whatever the fuck it is, 44 Magnum. It's the strongest gun. It'll blow your head off. We went to some little restaurant where there was like a table across from us. And at the restaurant, he just put out your hand in the bottom.

I saw him fidgeting. It was winter time. So he had a jacket on. And he was fidgeting. And also he was put your hand down. And he just gave it to me. And he goes, I has no bullets in it. And I shit my pants.

It was bigger than fucking black. Because it was the same gun fucking. Dirty Harry. Dirty Harry had. All right. And I almost shit my pants. I gave it back to him. He's like, don't tell your mother.

For me to get more action from, if I read them out, I never get action from. That's a great uncle. Godfather. Godfather. That's when Godfather's a godfather. That's when people believed in, you know, when you were somebody's godparent. It meant that you went to visit them once a month. You called them.

You always sent them like a stupid savings bond, even if there's 10 bucks. I had a fucked up Godfather, but he was good when they need them. You know what I'm saying? He used to take me to his girlfriend's houses and tell me little things about women on the way home. And I'd fucking tell them, I don't like little girls. You know what I'm saying? Hey, tell me someday you're gonna like girls.

You gotta suck that titties. You didn't even like girls yet. I'd be saying, what's titties? Oh my God. Yeah. And then that's where you learn. You got to have a relative that tells you little details about girls. You know?

They put like a porno on it for me. Yeah, almost blows up and shit. My buddy Cuban guy, I won't say his name, but his older brother put on a porno one time. And I was probably about 12 and I'm watching it and I get a, you know, I got an erection. And then his brother's name was Hector and he reaches over and he grabs my dick and he goes, Hey, you like this? You like this movie? And I was like, what the fuck?

I'm like, I'd never had anybody touch my dick in my life. What did you do? He just ran out of there. I just fucking. You never told nobody, not even the priest. I don't think this might be the first time I've ever brought it up. It was like one of those memories that's like lodged back there and under a rock. You got to write this into a bit.

My first ever disgusting experience was with the Ali brothers. I got thrown out of Sacred Heart School for boys in the fifth grade. And I went to McKinley in the sixth grade. In the sixth grade, there were these Spanish kids called the Ali's. Juan and Alberto. Juan was legit, but Alberto was at a time. The Ali's. Oh, just fucking hilarious.

You couldn't write this, but in the sixth grade, you're 12. Maybe 13. They were like 14 and a half and 16. Like the one that was slow was like 15 in those days. They just kept leaving your back. That's right. Till you learn the English language. So humiliating.

Every new laugh. They didn't give a fuck. They would just happen to be in the United States. They went somewhere from nine to three. They sang songs. They salute the flag. The Cubans were happy in those days. Are you kidding me?

They were fucking. The Cubans I knew in those days were fucking. The kids were fucking. Oh, they were saluting the flag and shit. Going to Bible study and singing. Oh, they were legit to quit. But the Ali's were the first people I ever met, ever. Beside my godfather that ever spoke to me about sex.

And then I had this Puerto Rican dude on my block, Puerto Rican Nelson. He lived in the back. He was a bartender in the city. He used to always ask me. And he wasn't a freak in that. I always thought that at one point he would molest me. Yeah. And even till today, I think deep sometimes.

And fucking Puerto Rican Nelson never molest me. Because he used to always have a robot and slippers and shit. That's how he walked around. Oh my god, Puerto Rican Nelson. I love that you're not sure if he did. You feel like it's maybe. Yeah, like I think that he ever dope me. Like even pull a condom behind me because everything about him fits like an M.O.

He was just a good dude. Yeah. That we used to go outside and help us fix our bike. And he was a Spanish dude. He was just, you know, he had the sideburns and the leather jacket. And it was the fucking early 70s. And I moved to Jersey and he would talk to a bunch of us. And one day he would take us in the back.

His claim to fame with me was that I became friends with him. And I go over there and he had a black friend that had went over to the Rock of Gibraltar and he brought pictures back. And then he would just talk to me. And then one day he asked me. He had to come over to somebody's house and you go to the house a lot and they're sober. But one day you catch them and they're fucking hamming. Yeah.

And we go over there and it's like early in the morning. Like I used to go over there every morning at 10 and wake them up. And what's up, man? What are we going to do today? Give me an hour. I go out there and play stickball with you. And he come out with coffee and he reeked of alcohol. You know, he was one of those dudes in the summer.

You know, no air conditioning. He was just a dynamite dude. Yeah. And one day I knock on the door and he answers with a towel around him. And he's sitting down and he's all fucked up. I go, Nelson, you're going to play football. He's like, man, not today, you know, and all this shit. He goes, come back in like two hours.

So, you know, we were in those days, you're punctual. Yeah. Like we were there in two hours. He answered, though, you guys again, the fucking curtains were still up. He invites us in. He's got a towel on. You know, he turns the light on and there's like a table filled with alcohol. You know, and like, how old are you at this point?

12. 12. And I can't remember who the fuck I walked in there with like, it was like six of us, my neighborhood that liked Nelson, but two of us actually interacted a little closer with Nelson. Yeah. I was Spanish, so I understood Nelson's world. I knew Puerto Rican people, but I can't believe who I was.

The other guy that mingled with Nelson. So we had woken Nelson up. He goes, come in, come in. We saw this couch. You guys want a soda? He gives us a soda. He puts the TV on. You can see he's still fucked up my night before.

He's got the towel on. And he's like, so you guys get late? And we don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Like, nobody ever spoke to me like that. I had uncles that would ask me, I, anybody suck your dick yet? Yeah. Are you pissing sweet yet?

That type of shit. But this, oh yeah, yeah. When you're Spanish, they're both like, oh yeah, you know what I'm saying? Great. Yeah. It's a great line. But Nelson was basically the first person ever.

I ain't known about sex, but Nelson was the first person ever that said it could be yours. You know what I'm saying? Like, what do you mean? You never had sex. I got a girl right now. She'll come over and clean your pipe. And we're both like fucking shit in our pants.

Yeah, you come up with like $10 or something. We're like, nah, nah, nah. So I was there. He never talked about it again. And then one day we're sitting there like a month. Just those guys, the guy in a fucking towel has neighborhood boys over at offers to get them all over. And he's drunk.

Because he's an outrageous. They haven't had sex in 14 or 12. So he was cool as fuck. He used to play basketball with us and shit. So one day I go away with this kid and he starts telling us. What's his name again? Puerto Rican Nelson. Is this me capitalized?

No, the Puerto Rican Nelson is cool as fuck because he used to bring us weed from the city. And he would actually give us seven joints for five dollars. Wow. He really took care of us. It wasn't like he was a bad guy, which to me meant the world. Because a lot of people could bring your weed over in those days but they say, I take a joint off the top.

He was like, I gotta go over it anyway. Don't worry about it. The guy gives me a better deal. So I always liked him because of that. So one day we're there and a girl's there. A girl comes out of his bedroom. Me and my buddy are like, wow. Look at Puerto Rican Nelson with a broad.

She sits on his lap and shit. And he's like, yeah, this is my girl. And he's feeling her up. And he's making out in front of her. And feeling that he's his shit. And me and my buddy are frozen. Like we're just, I can feel. I can't remember who the fuck it was.

So. Wow. How old was this guy? This guy had to be 28 and the bro was like 21. But he was one of those. He had to be 26 maybe. He was from somewhere else and he lived there. This is before the computer, before they were able to watch.

And before. And no, he's freaked out by a pack of 12-year-old talent though. No, because in those days, a lot of parents came out and played with kids. I know. That's different now. See, it's different now. I would never be able to play with a random kid.

So everybody knew him for the neighborhood. And in those days, we wanted to go into the murky waters. Yeah. And he was kind of opening the door. Not really, to be honest with you. It took a long time. It's not like he lured us into his house and said, do you guys want to have sex?

This is after we knew him for a year. Right. We go back there all the time to get water after a basketball game. We knew him, you know. But now he knew we were growing up and he knew what our needs were. I look at it now.

Like he was, he was just trying to, but we couldn't handle it. Yeah. So one day we're sitting back there. We had a basketball game. And he's like, hey, man, what'd you think of that fucking broad the other day? Me and my buddy like, ah, she was banging. He goes, I'll tell you what.

He goes, tell these guys how hot she was. And me and my buddy's like, yeah, she was hot. He's like, ah, when can we see it? He goes, listen, I tell you what I'm going to do. He goes, listen, I'm going to fucking tonight in the living room. And I leave the window open. You guys can come by and listen.

That was his thing. I feel like a dollar a piece. That was his fetish. Oh my god. We got into boys listening to him fuck. We got there. He was fucking the shit out of her doggy style. We all ran away.

We were like, what a fight. We got there 10 minutes before he started fucking it. We're like, did I leave it in there? And all of a sudden you heard her go, oh, oh. And he's like, yeah, that's it. Suck it. We tried to look. There was a man of us trying to look at that window.

We just heard them fucking, fucking. And I heard me. Like that's the first time I heard balls. Yeah. And we ran out of there talking the next day. The next day he's like, did you guys come by? Oh my god. That's the weirdest fucking neighborhood guy I've ever heard.

Holy shit. That guy's great. But the Ali brothers. Think about how many like firsts you had with that guy. Firsts drinking fucking. Not even drank with him. I don't think he didn't know. No, no, no, no.

He got this weed and he was like, dog. If I do this for you, you got to keep it on the level. I can't have, you know, he was very careful. But the Ali brothers were the first people that told me like this all was happening at once. So I was living on giving that terrace, but I would play on 26th street. And the Ali brothers were hysterical. The Ali brothers were the first people I ever met in my life that went to a hookah house. And they would both describe the experience to me.

And it was like a fucking perfect film. You couldn't write this now in my memory. Because one Ali was very intelligent. And he would say, yeah, you give him 10 bucks. And you go in the back room and they fucking take your shoes off. And they take a bucket out and they wash your dick. And they get on the bed and they ask you what do you want to do? If you want a 69 and we do everything.

And we do everything. We're there for like an hour. We eat them. They give us a massage the whole fire. And when you're fucking 12 and a 13 year old is telling you this shit. You're mine. It's like Pink Floyd the first time. Yeah.

You go home and think about that shit and think about the possibilities. Like maybe I'll go over to Apple on my best suit. I'll get 10 bucks and see what the Bronx has to offer. Are you fucking kidding me? But every Monday there'd be a circle around these two. And they'd be timeless. All their sexual exepates, you know. The fucking Ali brothers until I hit the right thing right next to where they lived

was a company called Duratest and they made light bulbs. All sizes. They made these things. But the best thing for us as kids was when they made the office to skinny long ones. Yeah. Oh, all that. I can hit you in the head 25 times. Nothing will happen.

They just break and you get white powder on you. Okay. So we would jump over the dumpster. Get like 150 of those things and everybody would take an armful and we'd go to war with each other. No shit. Bah, bah, bah. We'd hit each other.

No cuts. Never, never misunderstanding. And it was me, Juan Ali, Martin Perez, all these white, Dean LaPreet, all these white dudes from 2060 were all out there. But there was a roof, a flat roof over a garage next to Juan Ali's house. And there was access to the roof. So what happened in this war? Five on five.

Everybody's hitting each other with these fucking things. I run to the roof. I'm having my own private war up in the roof and somebody throws a rock over. They throw a bulb over, right? Then another bulb comes over and then a rock comes over. Well, I take the fucking rock and I look at the guy and I go, don't say that. And I throw the rock up up in the air, right? And I just leave it like that.

And all of a sudden you're here. And we look over, not the smart Ali, but the retarded one, Alberto, the one that you used to always say, see, you said, look at my song. Like he was the one that, he was like Louie. He's like that character Louie that wasn't intelligent. But he was going, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was there. He was that guy. But I hit him in the head with that fucking rock.

I clocked him right here. It didn't break, but he got a lump immediately, like a hematoma. But it was a hematoma that got, that pus went right to it. And he had a little P-hole in it, you can see. And he was on the floor. He's on the floor. Like my friends didn't give a fucking guy in there with the rock. They give in with light bulbs and shit.

They sound like, what's it like you were in New York getting put inside looking out. He's the dumb one. And they hit him, maybe to attend light bulbs while he was down. But the time we got to him, he had powder all over him from the light bulbs. But you can still see the lump on his head. I'll never forget it till this day. I always look them up on Facebook or Google them.

I can't get a hold of them. And that's how they spelled their name Ali. A-L-E. It was a Cuban name, Ali. Oh my God. I still think of Alberto and Juan Ali and how funny they were together. It was like the first comedy team I encountered. Where you're from, you encountered two dudes who one was just retarded, but he had a friend and he was the brains of the operation,

whatever the one I did, the other guy did. Yeah, right. They were both union dudes. They both liked the pats. No, you keep thinking I'm a Boston guy. I went to college in Boston. I started doing stand-up in Boston. But I grew up in New York.

Tarry Town, New York. What the fuck is wrong with Uncle Joey Lee? Now, everybody thinks I'm from Boston. You can't be giving me those animals, dawg. You don't get advised to do a Cam Neely thing? Yeah. Yeah, I've done that a couple times. You didn't do it this last time.

No, you heard about Wanda, right? Wanda who? Wanda Sykes did it, I guess, last night. Or maybe the night before. And I guess she was doing some material about Trump and the crowd started booing. And she, I guess she just kind of had it out with them. And then she gave him the finger.

And then apparently DePaul went up to him and didn't do very well. He was pretty offensive, they said. Yeah, I mean. They didn't like him. You're comedians. You're at a fucking comedy show. You know, the crowd just got to accept that. I always thought that comedy was how your world collided

with the rest of the world. Right. Okay. That's what I was raised to believe. I say some fucked up shit, even in the special. I say some fucked up shit about what I feel. Not about how, you know, I'm sick and tired of hearing about how illegal immigrants are ruining the fucking country.

There's some good immigrants that have come here. Let's face it, we're all fucking immigrants. Okay. I think we got to do a better job, you know, control. Do I want to be Trump junior and deport everybody? Come on. What the fuck? That's what's bothering people the most right now.

You know, that's what's bothering people the most right now. Yeah, it's a non-issue. They brought it up during an election year, but it's not affecting people's lives the way the national news makes you think about it. You know, I'm an immigrant, man. My mom's an immigrant. I'm fucking every day I wake up, I'm happy to be here.

You know, I'm ashamed I have a felony. I'm going to hide it from people. And then someday it comes out of ABC News. A comedian, Joey Diaz, has been walking around like he is a Christian. Yeah. Meanwhile, he got arrested for kiddin' that. When you plea bargain at the fucking second degree

bargain, you know, that's now people like, why didn't you ever tell us what I was embarrassed about? Yeah. That's a Bill's character. Yeah. It's like a hitch in the fucking service. Right. Lee, when are you sitting there fucking,

look at your eyeballs. I can lie to cigarette your eyeballs right now. They're so red. You look like one of those fucking Jewish people that not, you're on like a shoe store and you'll take what they give you. You know what I'm saying? Right now, you got that look to you right now. Like listen, the sneak is $14.99, but it's Thursday.

It's 10 o'clock. You caught me on a good time. I'll do this deal right now for $13.50 plus tax. Yeah, but it was $14.99. No, it was $14.59. I'll do it for $13.59 plus tax. You just told me $13.50. That was two minutes ago.

It's $13.59. Right now it's $14.09. So make up your mind. Do you not want to sneak it or not? I'm fucking stoned, Jack. I'm having a great time on a Monday night. I got a lot of shit tomorrow. Joey O'Neill, you know, I love you.

It was great meeting you. My man, Jack Yatshoish. I love you, cocksucker. Robert Navas, Jeff Morris, Laya Hernandez, Lady J, great senior, Shet Rogers, Joseph Raphael, and my main man, my cousin, who hit me up today and said somebody came

into his fucking jujitsu studio. I said, you heard about him on a podcast. I'll tell you what, man, I grew up with fucking Julio. We both grew up with bookmaking fucking parents. That's how I grew up with Julio. You go to his fucking jujitsu school after class, ask him to tell you stories about when we were like, maybe 13 on Saturdays.

No. We were like 11 because I was going to Catholic school. So on Saturdays, mandatory, I would have to go to the Bronx with him and go get donuts for the guys, run errands, pick up money. Like we'd pick up like 100 bucks and think we were gangsters.

You sure? Like I picked up 100 today when you picked up. And they would pay us like $100 for the day. For like six months, me and Julio would do that. And every Saturday was a different location because they kept moving around. So the apartment wouldn't get raided. Fucking tremendous.

Me and Julio, that's how we grew up. Then he became a cop. And I became whatever the fuck I became. And we both went to war in 85. Oh yeah? Yeah, he told me the cops are looking for you. And if I see you again, I'm going to arrest your people looking for you.

You pissed a lot of people off. And I'm thinking, I'm looking, I'm going, I grew up with you. Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? I grew up with you. You're telling me this shit. He's like, I wouldn't be here for you if I was you. So I didn't talk to him for a long time.

And I held like a resentment, but then we started talking about six years ago. And now I'm pretty tight with him. I still love him the way we did when we were kids. You know what I mean? I do. But if you're in Lindhurst or any of those areas, Carl Statt, Munaki, like a motherfucker,

Carney, any of those areas, man, go give Anaconda Jujitsu a try. Tell him that you heard it on the podcast. And it'll give you a couple of fucking days for free. He'll teach you how to hip escape. And that's that. All right. Yes.

Nice deal. He's a great guy. Yeah. He's it's the holidays. He could always need a fucking economic boost. You know what I'm saying? He's a great Jujitsu teacher. He dedicated his life to that.

So he's fucking 20 years. He's one of those fucking morons that he goes to competitions and the whole deal. You know what I'm saying? What else is going on, dog? Tell me a story. Put my volume on a little louder. I'm alone on the low side tonight.

You ain't producing over there. Cock sucker. You're over there in La La Land. Looking around. Taking about what you eat when you get home. You don't think I know you. I'm not going to go for a three mile walk. He tried to sell me that one time.

I went to Chandler. I did. Then I went down to fucking Munaki. Then I walked over to Ventura. I know you didn't. You went to Chandler. You looked around. You said Jesus Christ.

I'm going to get it back up. You turned around. You went home. You said, oof. It's a tough fucking life we live here. I walked from Magnolia in the whole canyon to Chandler in the whole canyon. And then to Chandler and Colfax.

And then from Colfax to Magnolia. Were you sweating? Yes. Obviously. Joey's got a call. Who is it? I split all the time. It's my sister.

All right. So you work for her. You got a little suntan. It was such a fucking beautiful day. Oh. It was one of those days where you wake up. You go to do something. You go wait a second.

I got to look at my schedule. I'm going to have to cut some shit out today. Some people are going to be disappointed. I had a 430 in Hollywood over the hill. That's the first call I made. So when I woke up, I sent the email. It's the happen thing. The babysitter didn't show up.

That's not happening. I may do the local shit. But going over lower canyon. I don't even know. Was it for an audition? No. What the fuck they want to see me about? Who the fuck knows anymore?

Just get in the car and go. You know what? I'll see you the week after Thanksgiving. Yeah. The traffic slows down a little bit. You kind of enjoy going down there. You're bored up in the valley. You're having bored.

I'm locked in. It's time to go to fucking Hollywood and run with the big dogs in the daytime and shit. Taking meat with these bitches. But now you wake up on Monday. I just flew back Sunday from Boston. Six hour flight. Yeah.

It's a long flight. Even jet blue. It's a long fucking flight though. Three hours, you still got three to fucking go. It's still like 245. You're like, oh my God. Thank God I caught that from the fighter came on FX. But I had commercials, see.

But it was still entertaining to me. I loved it. I loved that movie. He's one of the best actors working today, that fucking dude, the other one. The one that would have no teeth. He plays Batman. Oh yeah.

He's tremendous. He really is. What's up, Lee? You're looking all tan. You're looking like DJ fucking Habib. What's his name? What's the rapper's name? DJ Khaled.

DJ Khaled. Look at him. He's shit. Oh, you got to start rapping. You got to get like a jet ski and throw $100 bills in the air. You're assuming I can't rap. I never said nothing. Listen, what these people don't know and fucking

Greg Fitzsimmons don't know is you're with an international superstar back in Israel. I've been telling people for years when they go, who's this fucking guy? I'm like, who's this guy? Who the fuck are you, bitch? This guy was a director in Israel. One the fucking Patapoo whatever film festival.

1996. I rap superstar. What was it? Rap superstar. And international rap superstar. You understand me? At least I had to fuck around. He lost his hair in a chemistry experiment.

It did sound like what the Michael Jackson thing on stage. And that was the end then. Take some risks and you lose him. You win some. He got like eight million in the settlement. He gives shit money. But he got like fucking three million Americans. He lent me a hundred grand and here we are.

You know what I'm saying? I'm paying my big. Lee, you going to write it all down, Lee? I should have been, but no, I may be at will eventually. Lee had a good time this weekend. I was great. We had a good time. I was, thank you people.

You came to the show. It was a great experience for me. You know, I don't know. The last year and a half, Greg, I've been getting anxiety. I get it at two places. I get it at the Comedy Store when I walk up those little steps. Man. What, on the street?

Oh, walking up to the stage. Yeah. Walking up to it like the little, you know, when you first get to the store. Yeah. And beautiful. But boom, when you first get to the Comedy Store, you're in the hallway. You get your water, you go to the bartender, you give the waitresses a hug.

Yeah. I see Greg Fitzsimmons. I give them a hug. I see Lee. I see fucking Theo Vaughn. I got to get back on the podcast, you know what I'm saying? You're talking to him. Bobby Lee, you're giving him a hug.

And all of a sudden you look at the list and all of a sudden he's got the light and Jeff comes up to you and says, you got to get on stage and fight. And you just got the light, Joe. I just saw that. You got five minutes, maybe seven, maybe eight. Right there. I stopped the conversation and I walk up those stairs. I get to the top.

I look around. Sometimes I sit down. Sometimes I stand in the corner and brother right there. My world just goes. So I usually take the chair and I start breathing deep breaths into my fucking stomach and I breathe out deep breaths and I pray to God the comet goes long. Keep going. Cock sucker run with it bitch.

And it stays at like 40%. And once he starts closing up, I get up and right there. I get a little bit more to about 55. And then on the way up, I actually have to pace my steps and not let my breath go up because if my breath goes up and I let my anxiety goes up, I will fucking pass out right there. And by the time I hit the stage at the store, he puts some music on. He puts some disco music on. I dance and I'm 30% the opening line.

I get a laugh. So I'm running at like 10. If I make it to the 11 minute mark and I'm okay, it all goes away. And now I'm just running on punches to your fucking head to your fall down like fucking Eddie Alvarez. It's over. It's pretty interesting. But so how long has that been going on?

Maybe like 18 months. Yeah. Doesn't happen on the road. No other no other clubs just every once in a while. It goes up to about 60. Yeah. But I catch it. I breathe and it goes down to 15.

I go on stage. I say, what's happening? Mother fuckers. Yeah. They giggle. We run with that right there. We run with the other 10% that's left. Just gets your adrenaline.

It's like Mad Max when they're right on them, he kicks that adrenaline up. Yeah. That's that last 10% that really goes into your act if you use it properly. Yeah. You know, it's like a weird fear that you and as it's coming out of you, you can feel it coming out of your legs, coming out of your nut sack, goes into your stomach.

Yeah. And next thing you know, they're laughing and now it's not the trans they're caught in as much as the trans you are caught in. It's kind of weird when you're rock and roll at the 18 minute mark. You know, it's a certain cardio. It's like, they say cardio isn't really effective on those machines unless you do 20 minutes. Then after 20 minutes is when you really burn fat.

I believe the same thing on stage sometimes. Yeah. If you think about it, it takes you a little while to get going. You take a breather for 10, you pace yourself, and then you fucking just go out there like a fucking lunatic. Yeah. I don't fucking know what I'm talking about. So wait, what's the other, the other place you feel anxiety?

Oh, yeah, not the Wilbur Theater. It was brutal. Really? It hadn't been that close in a long time. I get that type of anxiety when you tell me you got to take blood from me. Like that's the anxiety that when you walk in a room and you're going to be all right, Joey, this is what we got to do. We got to take a little blood sample.

No matter how you say it to me, I hear organ music right afterward. Yeah. Like fuck, my body goes numbness. Always been like that? Oh, since I was a kid. That sucks. I go deep into a fucking thing. I've controlled it the last couple of years for my surgery a few months ago from my nose.

It was horrible because they kept missing the vein. See, if I don't feel any pain and I breathe right, I'll put the iPod on. Uncle Joey's cool as shit. If you start missing veins and shit, you gotta tell me you gotta do it again. That's where, that's where it goes fucking bananas. So even at the blood sample a week later, you have to go to the hospital seven days before the surgery. I had that first beast and at the surgery, they couldn't fit the fucking thing in the vein in my my feet are going numb.

Just talking about it. And then they profoundly, I said, put in my fucking vein in my hand. Yeah. And it worked in there. And then I woke up and I had straws in my nose held with barbed wire from Montana. I'm obeyed. Jesus Christ. Do you know what that's like for a guy like me?

Oh, and they're like, you gotta spray a saline solution in there and it's gonna come out on their own. Oh my goodness. Oh, Molly. Good golly. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it. I said, well, you blast the saline in one nostril comes out the other. Oh, you just blasted the nostril.

All of a sudden chunks start flying out of your soul. Yeah. And at first it's disgusting, but then it goes 50-50. It becomes. You get into it. It becomes half, not half blood. It's like a client on the half shell. Without the salsa, it's gotta really come.

You just eat those fucking. Please don't eat any of my burgers in front of me. I got one of these things in my nose. It's like one of those things like growing your skin. A lesion? Like a beauty mark. A beauty mark. What do you call those things?

Like a mole. A mole. I had one in my nose from 30 years of doing blow. I was pissed. I don't think I want to take it out with the surgery. But in that mole, like if you squeeze it once every 10 days, a tremendous old school snot comes out. Like we'll want one of those.

No fucking way. Like one of those coke snot. Like I'll feel it too. I'm like, that's feeling heavy there. And also I'll be sitting there and I'll squeeze it. Squeeze it and I'll feel like something thick. And I'll just pull it out. And it's like an inch and a half with different flavors

and different pyrotechnics. Some parts of it is heavy. It's thick. It's gooey. It's like a fucking Halloween treat. And it's there every 10 or 12 days. Oh my God. I can count for an hour enjoyment every 10 to 12 days.

I don't know what it's going to be. What took an hour? Because the time long I chew it for, until it dwindles, it's like a little whitehead. Then I spit it into the air and let it land wherever it goes. Why am I so fucking hot? He's at Flappers this Thursday, which makes it the 17th of November.

Right. Say Joey, how do you fucking know that? I'm going to tell you how I know that. Because I've been in Houston on the 18th. I've been thinking about fucking, I always fucking think about this shit in November. And I always go, wow, that happened this long ago. Yeah.

Like, who was I then? Who was I now? Am I the same person? When I put a gun to your head over a fucking bag of blood, I thought I wouldn't even give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? It's amazing how you change. So this time of the year, it gets a little fucked up for me.

I'll call the victim on Thursday and say hello. The victim? Yeah, I still talk to Kent. He called into the podcast once. Yeah. I just talked to him about two months ago. I don't think Kent ever stopped. You know what I'm saying?

Like Kent, I met Kent in Boulder. Kent was a good looking dude in Boulder who picked up town. He knew the right people. He hung out with the right people. Those right people supplied him with a fucking car. That's how right those people were. And not just any car. Something right off the lot.

It was a BMW store. So he come to town. He'd go, let me get an Audi. Take it, Kent. Kent, you're gonna come in here on Saturday and sell cars. And Kent was a good looking dude. And he'd go in there and sell three BMWs on Saturday. Yeah.

You know, so. But now we talk. He lives in New Mexico. He lives with his mother. He says he lives with his mother because she's sick. Whenever he leaves me a message, it's always late at night. Yeah. And he always sounds a little whacked.

Right. I was there so I know what a whack sounds like. When I get him in the daytime, he sounds completely different. A little bit more corporate. But I can feel something. He doesn't talk the same. Because when I saw him after I kidnapped him, I kidnapped him in 87.

But I saw him again in 93. Yeah. I actually bought blow from him at a bar. Six years after he kidnapped him. Yeah, I never saw him again. And one day I walk into Pearls and there he is dancing. I go, okay, what's happening? He's like, what the fuck?

He goes, hey, man. I go, hey, I'm sorry. You know, I said, how are you doing? Everything all right? Yeah. And he was fucked up. I go, okay, who's got a grandma blowing this motherfucker? He goes, all right, dude, give me the money.

Give me the money. Give me the money. Because I can't believe you kidnapped me, you motherfucker. All right. And that was it. That was it. That was shit. Never saw him again.

And then Facebook came along and one night you're high. You're doing blow. You're like, let me see how if Kent Vell is on Facebook and there he is. And I started hitting him up and fuck you. He would send me those things on Facebook. Just fucking around. No, he was serious at first.

Really? It took about seven years, man, for him to finally cave. However long fake, because I started nagging him on Myspace. I started nagging him on Myspace. And that's where he would send me something back that was nasty and taught me to fuck off. It was crazy. And then when Myspace came, Facebook came along.

I got high one night on reefer. And there he was in the very beginning of Facebook. And I tried to friend them, nothing. There was a couple people I tried to be fucking friends with. And they were like, fuck you. Why'd you want to be friends with this guy so much? Because you felt guilty? Sure.

You know, listen, I didn't hit him. I never hit him in the head with a gun. It's like they kicked him. I didn't abuse him. I'm not that type of person. It was all, a lot of people say it was business, bro. You came into my life at the wrong time and you didn't fucking cover your ass, my friend.

You're dealing with the fucking big leagues here. You're not dealing. This ain't fucking a TV show. This ain't breaking bad. You know, you're going to meet some dude on the street and tell him you want to fucking, you have two kilos of blow. Well, what do you think happens?

What the fuck do you think happens? The word gets up. That means every barracud is going to fucking look at you and go, this guy's easy prey. All you got to do is get 10,000, lower them into an alley, tell them the money's in the thing. You wanted to see the blow. And when you take them, they just punch them in the fucking head.

You take the 10,000. Well, who's he going to say? What was he going to say? He stole the blow himself. You're following me? He stole the blow himself. What was he going to say? I was young.

I was very stupid. I'm not proud of it, but it's who I am today. What are you going to do? You're on it. Yeah. What are you going to do? What do you want me to do? Hide it and try to hide it from my resume.

It's that I ever get a show on CBS. I go into a meeting with you. And they go, we love the show, but there's a problem. We do a background check, which they do before they give you a big check. Wait, did they just give you a big check? They want to make sure you're not a fucking offender in the neighborhood. You know what I'm saying? Oh, now that now the check, your Twitter and Facebook, everything.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now it's serious. What do you think they're going to do? They're going to fucking look at your fucking, uh, make sure you're not fucking giving out lollipops in Culver City after three o'clock. You know what I'm saying? You go around the corner and Culver City at the fucking thing, giving out lollipops and giving messages like little fortune cookies.

So there's your lucky day. Little Spanish kids, if you signed here, Trump ain't going to deport you, but come to the movies with me. I'm taking you to Simoana. It's about Filipinos. What is it about? Polynesian people. Mexicans with fucking bikinis on.

Same difference. Come on. Lollipops for everybody. You all sit around with Michael Jackson style. Have some Jesus wine. What is it? Jesus juice. It's really fucking weird how these people act and they get away with it.

If you're that fucking stupid and you don't see it coming around your kids, you got to keep your eyes open. You know what I'm saying? It's a tough being a dad, isn't it? Yeah. Do you ever look at somebody and go, this guy's a pedophile? No, we had a pedophile in my neighborhood though, who we were friends with.

He was, you know, he was a guy who lived a block from us that we all, our families, hung out and known him for 15 years. And then one day, we find out he went to jail for being a pedophile in the neighborhood. Falling out of a tree with a bag of M&M's and a football helmet on. Yeah. Giving out baseball fucking cards and shit like those Carvelle ice cream cones. He would show up with like the team you wanted. Right.

You're trying to get the Mets, but they always give you the Cubs. I got it for you. It was fucking creepy, man. You know, man, I got to look you guys both in the face and tell you, I got into some bad fucking situations. I really did. And that's one situation that good Lord knows I fucking thank them for not, you know, when you do drugs, who knows what happens.

They, you go to somebody's house, pass out next thing you know, they cause beat you. You wake up with chains around you. You get addicted to this 10 cameras. Right. You come back the next day with the cops. It's a fucking priest house with fucking crosses on the walls. I'm telling you, perverts took me down. I've been here for 28 years.

It smells funny, but I got to stop eating these edibles with you. I'm getting too old for this shit. These are strong. The chocolate's strong as hell. What are you going to do to that? Lee, what do you got to eat at the house? Tell me the truth.

I think Paula made chicken and rice. What type of chicken? I don't know. Barbecue. She made that last week. What type of rice? I think she made, I think she made chicken rice. Chicken rice.

Look at you. Yeah, chicken rice. You're a regular fucking lucky dude. No lasagna. Nope, not yet. Not yet, huh? No blue apron. Blue apron came last week.

I think it's coming on Friday, actually. What are you laughing about? Remember those two? We were talking about those chocolate covered strawberries that we used to do ads for? Yeah, I remember those things, Paul. Oh, yeah. Fucking berries.

What happened to those things? I just remember we were... Everybody got involved, but they're back. They're trying to make a comeback. Are they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody sent me an email with a list of people. If I was interested, I'd mark them down.

Cherry's berries is trying to make a fucking comeback. Really? They were off the two dollars per chocolate piece. They moved on to greener pastures. They're looking to fucking up the ante and see if you're interested. Yeah. For Valentine's Day, yeah.

There you go. No, I don't want to fucking send chocolate to people's houses. That's fucked up. Why? I got a couple boxes sent to the house. The one was good. The other one was men's amends. Yeah, yeah.

The other one was like, take your own chances. Yeah. I grew up in a place... 10 minutes for a place in Fairview, New Jersey, down on Fridays. You couldn't even go up that hill because the whole side of that street across the street was double parked.

While you were there, they dipped the strawberries right in front of you. Crouches. Crouches in Fairview. On Fridays, it was chocolate covered strawberries, Jack. They just handed to you. No, you had to pay some eaters. They're not giving you a dick.

No, but I mean, they dip it and hand it to you right after. I mean, you need six of them. Give me six of them, Pablo. In the box, the box will be little boxes. It's 12 boxes. The fucking Lisaette box. The Joey Diaz box. Because I go in there and eat 12 of those motherfuckers.

And they were all hand-picked. This is the fucking eighties. Every strawberry was still wholesome. And they dip them in that perfect chocolate. And then he put like a vanilla thing on top of it, just as a fucking kick to the stomach. Oh, my God. You took them to the car.

And you could still feel the chocolate moldy. It's like when you get that Dairy Queen ice cream. And they dip it into that chocolate. And they give it to you right away. Come on, Doug. There's nothing fucking better than that. It's the greatest. It's the fucking greatest.

Same thing with that shit. How do we get talking about that? Anyway, speaking about eating, you gotta sleep too. Sometimes you can't sleep. You got insomnia. You walk around. You eat fucking Haagen-Duzzi's. You smoke some tutsaluts.

And you can't sleep. What it is is your fucking matches. See, you're unique. You don't walk like everybody else. You don't talk like everybody else. And you don't sleep like everybody. So why is your mattress one size fits all? For years, I had one of those mattresses.

You buy for $200 at a fucking farmer's market. $50, whatever. You thought you were the king of the world. Then you wonder why you're at the chiropractor. 18 times a fucking week. It's your mattress, cocksucker. Well, guess what? Anyway, you don't talk like people.

You don't sleep like everybody. So why is your mattress one size fits all? Like I said, because it's custom mattress will cost you $5,000 to $10,000 until today. Introducing Helix Sleep, where you can buy mattresses online. Customize for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. Go to helixsleep.com, answer a few simple questions based on four key preferences.

And the result will be a custom sleep profile used to build you the most comfortable mattress you'll ever sleep on. Your mattress will arrive at your door in about a week and shipping is 100% gratis. And for couples, gratis means you gots. It means free. 100% free.

Okay. That's what you want to hear. And for couples, Helix Sleep customizes each side of the mattress. Helix customers report a 30% improvement in overall sleep quality. I got one of the Helix Sleep mattresses. I think it's fucking phenomenal. I don't even feel my wife getting out of bed.

That's tremendous. So this is why everybody from GQ to Forbes is talking about Helix Sleep. So do me a favor. Go to helixsleep.com right now slash Joey, J-O-E-Y and get $50 off your order. Again, go to helixsleep.com slash Joey and get $50 off your order.

That's helixsleep.com slash Joey, J-O-E-Y and get $50 off your order. How's that one for you? Wow, that was a good read. You know, I don't fuck around people. I'm trying to make the best of what I got. I ain't got much, but what I got, I give you my fucking honor, right?

Let me talk to you people about something. I got a call from an agency. They asked me if I want to look at something. I took a look at it. The holidays are coming. I'm trying to give you guys a good deal, all right? The product came. We looked it over.

Lee liked it. And there you go. All right. That's all that matters. We look at the product. We use it. We see how it feels. Lee looks happy with it.

It's the black with the red in the middle. What I'm talking about is MVMT watches, all right? You want to know where you purchase it? This is the whole deal with these guys. Good looking watch. Yeah, it is. You know, the company was started by two broke college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches,

but couldn't afford them. Plain and simple. They started their own watch company. You know how they did it? They started from scratch. They did podcasts. They did YouTube. They did radio.

They got the word out. MVMT watches started $95. At a department store, you're looking at a four to $500. MVMT figured out that by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman and the retail market, providing you with the best possible price.

It's classic design, quality construction, and style minimalism. Over half a million watches have been sold in 160 countries. This is what I'm doing for you tonight. It's the holidays, all right? This, listen, they started $95. This is what you get.

You never know when people come over. They're feeling gloomy. You give them a watch. You make that fucking day. What it cost you? A yardstick? What do you give a fuck? Put it on the Visa card.

That's right. Right now, today, I'm going to give you 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMTwatches.com slash church. Again, 15% off today. Free shipping, free returns by going to MVMTwatches.com slash church, all right?

Listen, this watch is tremendous. Lee's been getting compliments from Freaks. Everybody likes his watch. Now is the time to step up your watch game. You don't want to go to a New Year's party with some fucking Timex looking like Harvey the fucking, you know. Go to MVMT right now.

I'm going to give you 15% off today with free shipping and free returns. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash church. How's that one for you motherfuckers? Man, I wish I was an advertiser on this show because you take it and you bring it to a whole other level. What do you want me to do? I got to put some heart into these motherfuckers.

If I like the product, I want them to feel it at home. If not, I don't want to fucking pimp this shit out. Why? Why would I do something like that? I'm the last of the real McCoy, you know what I'm saying? Right. Who you kidding? I'd sell you for fucking $50.

Now, hold on one second. I just want to talk to you people here from the heart. All right. You know me, guys. I'm a man on the fucking go. I'm always trying to make it happen. I try to watch shows, okay? A friend of mine told me to watch a show

named Take My Wife on CISO. I started watching it with my wife. You know what? It makes me giggle. I love it. But most importantly, my special is going to be out of it. Now, Lee likes it. Lee's watched CISO.

I think he watches it, signing out lives on it, he said. But I got to tell you guys something. What's the best thing you bought for $3.99 lately? Well, for CISO, it's $3.99 a month, and CISO has nearly endless supplies of top shelf comedy bitches, literally months worth of executive originals, face melting standup, and next day, late night, and great catalog of classics.

That's why my special is going to be on CISO. We all have your own unique taste. You know what I'm saying? They got, they got, they got. What are we talking about here? They got SNL. They got, they got British Late Night Talk Show. They got, with CISO, it's your comedy.

You get comedy the way you want it, all right? CISO is the place for comedy. They won't tell you how amazing they are, but I will. CISO is amazing, and it's for comedy nerds. Comedy nerds like Lee Syat. Last night, not last night. I'm not going to bullshit you people. Two nights ago, I watched Harmon Quest, all right?

And you know what? It was pretty funny. It's an original comedy. So you want CISO? Here's what I'm going to do for you. My special comes out December 8th. What is it today? November 11th, November 14th.

It's going to be the 15th. Do me a favor. CISO, it's spelled S-E-E-S-O, all right? What I want you to do is, they got every episode on SNL, including the day after. So they got The Tonight Show, starring Jimmy Fallon. They got Seth Meyers.

They got 30 Rock. They got Parks and Rec. They got Saved by the Bell. They got British comedies. The Office of Ricky Gervais. They got Monty Python. Listen, do me a favor. I don't care what you do.

Do this for me personally right now. To all you guys, I'm going to give you two free months of CISO when you use promo code JOY at checkout, all right? Shows you can't get nowhere else. Just go to CISO. S-E-E-S-O dot com right now and sign up for two months free with promo code JOY at checkout.

That's CISO dot com, promo code JOY. The best thing is, we get to hang out together in the month of December. You can play this special for your fucking uncles, all right? Knock yourself out. Have a great night. I want to thank CISO. I want to thank Helix Sleep.

I want to thank MBMT Watches. And I want to thank Honda as always. Go to Honda.com and get 10% off. Audit slash... Church. Boom! C-H-U-R-C-H. And you're getting 10% off.

Again, stocking stuff as bitch. I'm looking out for you. I'll see you Wednesday night, 8 o'clock. Be there or go fucking shoot yourself, all right? Not to mention, don't forget my main man, Breakfast Simmons at Flappers. What time? November 17th, probably 8 o'clock.

That's Thursday night, 8 o'clock. Go to Flappers.com right now. They either got Burbank or Claremont. You want to go to Bed-Bank. They got fucking Beanie's Brutery. Whether they got Barney's Beanie. Barney's Beanie. Down the block, you go in there, you watch a game.

And then you go see my man, fucking Greg. I'm setting up the night beer. And then if you smoke a joint before Greg, at Flappers, you get nice order of wings and get the nice cheese play. One thing about Flappers is they got great food. You get a little high and you watch Greg Fitzsimmons. Who's better than you?

I love it. Me, I'm at the Come and Getter Festival. Friday night, 10 o'clock show. The tickets are 35 hours for the all day festival. Come to, what's the name of the website here? What the fuck? Come and get it. Listen, Google, come and take it.com festival.

And the day will come up and you buy the one day pass for Friday. It's 35 bucks. All right. Number two, I got the improv in Irvine. The night before Thanksgiving, the 23rd, 8 o'clock show. I'll get you out of there by 10.30. You go to your bars and see your buddies from college

and snort, blow and get ready for Turkey. All right. I love it. I love you guys. One more time, Greg Fitzsimmons. One more time, my man, Lisa Yat. Uncle Joey loves you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black.

See you Wednesday. This show was presented by Onit. The character what's happening now was brought to you by Helix Sleep. Go to Helix Sleep where you can buy mattresses online, customize for you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. And when you go to HelixSleep.com slash Joey, you're going to get $50 off of your order. That's HelixSleep.com slash Joey to get $50 off of your order.

So it was also brought to you by MVMTwatches.com. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash Church to get 15% off of your order with free shipping and free returns. I love mine, the black on black. Get yours today at MVMTwatches.com slash Church. This show was also brought to you by CISO. Go to CISO.com slash Joey to get your first two months for free. That's CISO.com S-E-E-S-O.com slash Joey

to get your first two months for free. Let me tell you now. Here's a scene from Now don't you hate Our heritage Let's move before the rain About ya All right now Baby it's all right now All right now Baby it's all right now Baby

I drove home to my place Watched me remove on her face She said look at what's your game I ain't trying to put me in shame I said slow down Don't go so fast Don't you think that love can last She said love

Loatable No terminology In love All right now Baby it's all right now I know All right now Baby it's all right now

It's everything all right This is This is This is This is It's all right now Baby it's all right now Baby

All right now All right now All right now I know that It's all right Baby We're so happy together Yeah

Baby It's all right now It's all right now It's all right now Yeah Get it now It's all right Yeah

Yeah