Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #431 - Vicky Pezza

Episode Date: November 17, 2016

Vicky Pezza, producer of the "Rutten and Ranallo" and the "Point Vs. Point" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hint Water - Get a variety pack of their most popular flavors that would normally cost $24 for $15 at drinkhint.com/church. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.  Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.    Recorded live on 11/16/2016.  

Are you bad motherfuckers? Ready to do this thing my little brother the soldier of debt so I like it this show is presented by on it But days are back everyone the church of what's happening now is proud and honored to introduce you to hello tushy.com Hello tushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt your tushy clean with water Go to hello tushy.com slash church right now to get 10 off of your order That's hello tushy.com slash church. Nobody wants to have a stinky muffler during the holidays. You understand me No one does The show is also brought to you by hint water

hint water Is pure water infused with a fresh taste of fruit with the taste of fresh fruit, excuse me And the best part is Our listeners get a single variety pack ship variety pack ship directly to your door Including three bottles of their four most popular flavors for only $15. That's Drink hint.com slash church drink hint.com slash church. I'm drinking some apple as we speak and it's delicious Oh, shit You want it you got it cocksuckers

Uncle joey here My little goomba Lee sciat The princess of jersey vicky pezza yo Here we go taking your back Taking your back cocksuckers. Here you go. Get the bikini on Oh, shit, break out the cocoa butter Here we go. It's over Break out the gorilla biscuits. We're going deep

Wednesday 16th of november Oh Taking the murky waters right now if you're driving wiggle that fucking anus cocksuckers Yeah, I wish I would dance this motherfucker. Here we go. Oh Oh, shit Take this one The church or what's happening now cocksuckers, what's happening? Wednesday night. You're here. I'm here. Everybody's healthy Half the week is over

Clinton is dead Trump is bullshitting you and it don't matter because uncle joey's here to save the day with his trusted little fucking Jewish fucking velvet hammer And the princess of new jersey vicky pezza. Welcome to the show vicky pezza. Thanks for having me guys It's still here. You've been here since day one with us We chitchat on the phone now you're working on a whole different podcast. Yes one that pays They laugh they giggle everybody's happy and shit Lisa. Yeah, what's up with you cocksucker? Oh my god. I'm doing good. I'm enjoying this chocolate

I had a I'm having a fun weekend ahead of me. I'm excited. What are you doing this weekend? I'm going to pismo beach because uh, paula is getting her bar results. So oh my god. Yeah Well, here we go. Let's see what happens. Here we go. When does it get fucking food poisoning this week? Do you get a food pack? What did you do already? There's no there's always something there's always something he comes back with fucking red eye or A stain on his head like the fucking ex-president of russia last time he went away when they came back with a fucking thing on his head I didn't even know he's walking around with a patch of fucking fun guy on his head. Oh my god The jacuzzi

Oh, it was the jacuzzi. It was airbnb's fault. So this time i'm staying in a hotel. Thank fucking god You know you can blame it on the maid ester Don't worry about fucking airbnb ester didn't clean the toilet. I got a red rash between my legs Luckily, you won't see that. Thank god No, those fuck I like listen man like hotels Yeah after traveling so long. I really do like hotels. I don't know why I just feel safer I feel better. I feel cleaner. You know, I always bring flip-flops and shit to protect yourself because you know These people are animals. What's the deal with airbnb's? It's like you're staying at someone's house essentially. Is that yeah, pretty much

I don't think so not for me. It's not for me. No, and I don't want nobody staying in my fucking house Went to the room to some guy 60 a night. I don't know what he's doing in there I don't know what the fuck you're doing in there. I don't know you that's the creepiest fucking thing in the world Yeah, you know, it seems like instead of watching out. We're giving more trust. It's like um Uber or for example, okay uber or any car service You know, I was talking about cab driver because I always take a cab back from Burbank airport. I feel bad for those guys. They sit out there from six in the fucking morning and

Youngsters are taking ubers right in front of me. You got a burbank airport. There's 15 fucking ubers there You know, and the cab drivers are fucking livid. Yeah, they live it, you know, so I was talking to him and then he was explaining to me how Uber if you get into a car accident uber and you sue them, you only get like fucking five thousand bucks Like damages and shit because a cab is insured to a half a million dollars. There was some big difference He goes, that's what the consumer doesn't know Right, if something happens in the fucking uber you get a guts Yeah, because you're suing the person. Yeah, this driver not a cab company that has this like fleet of Taxis and insurance. It's kind of weird. They were explaining to me and that's why

We as a society it's like, okay, so things are bad in your home and You're with your husband and I live at the house and he things are rough You know For vicky pesos, so you want to rent out the room? That's okay. Now. Do you have a choice who comes to your home?

Yeah, you can deny it and actually people get in trouble. They're saying like black people aren't getting accepted as much Like I saw I just saw that with uber the other day and it makes sense But I've only done the airbnb where I take over someone's house They have them where you can just like you're saying have like a that's what I I wouldn't mind doing that Just taking over somebody's house before days. That's one thing with them not in it. Yeah You know, uh in uh in 85 I had you know, I got into some trouble and stuff like that need a place to stay And I had slept on people's couches and that's fucking creepy. Yeah, no matter how much you like me vicky Your husband likes me after three nights. It's creepy. You know, it's like he's living here now

That means in the middle of the night you come out for a glass of water naked, you know I'm sleeping on your couch. You got to dress up to pee It's just so many inconveniences You know, I'm a good house guest. So if I stay on your couch, I fold the sheets. I get out of it by nine, right, you know, but uh It was creepy It was creepy even though the people loved me and I loved them It was there was still one point that nobody feels comfortable. Yeah, you know, there really is I don't care if it's your mother I don't care a couple years ago a friend of mine called me and he's like I'm gonna bind for three days ago

And I tell you what it pissed me off because I thought she being a she Would get up in the morning and wash her pussy and get the fuck out of the house No, no, no, no, she was one of those game show chicks Game show chicks. Yeah, so me and my wife would leave and we'd come back and there was game shows when we left Then the afternoon it was fucking the black chick that doesn't know who the who the father is to the baby mori mori And then then then then but she was really into like the celebrity thing And I knew I know for 40 fucking years, but you don't know somebody that well, right? I knew it growing up and

You know, you come back at four in the afternoon. There were still blankets on the couch Gotcha, that's kind of fucking weird. So I know the feeling from both ends Right, I'll always help somebody in need, you know what I'm saying But the point of the story is that so weird I had to stay I rented a room once in the house where she was a mom Husband died and the kids all moved out. So the kids were like, mom, you don't want to be lonely rent out rooms by the month And I gotta tell you something that was horrible. You weren't allowed in the kitchen. You weren't allowed in the basement You weren't allowed basically you were allowed to open the front door And walk right up the stairs and she would be sitting on the couch some nights

And I'd be walking and tuned up to the girls And she because she couldn't sleep till all my boys were in She only rented the men and she wasn't creepy or nothing and she would go out and she had a job in the daytime It was just uh, I don't know I just never how many of you were there three three there was three me And another Cuban guy upstairs and downstairs. She rented to somebody she had like a the sun's put like a basement apartment together And you had a sign like it was a month a month lease. She didn't want nobody there longer than three months It was kind of weird. I lasted like three fucking weeks

I was there one day her son came and he was a coke fiend like me And we started smoking pot and he's telling me about his cop spots and my cop spots And the kid says to me, listen, man, let's just go over to the city Like I gotta go over there anywhere at five. You're just gonna drop me off right? He goes. Yeah, it's cool We go over there Now the way there we go get weed we get some blow we get high and he says to me You know where I get rid of this bracelet And I go, who's bracelet is it? He's like, oh my I had a girlfriend. We broke up. I took the fucking bracelet

I go, what are you looking for? He goes, I'll take 50 bucks. I like 65 hours. I gave him the 50 bucks I walked down two corners sold it. I got like 400 for the fucking bracelet gold was high Three days later the cops got on the recipe The bracelet was stolen a robbery. Oh my god. So I got possession of a stolen property and they took me to jail They weren't gonna they charge me with something small but fucking I had a warrant out and fucking edge and fort lee or something close side So you actually went to a place where like they took down your address

I just I thought this place now. Listen, I always dealt with people in Harlem where You give them a little wink and that means melt it That doesn't mean fucking look at the serial numbers and fucking bring it in report it when you sell gold in those days There was like four pieces of paper two of them went to the police department Some places just gave you one your sign. They give you cash. Everybody's happy and you move I had a guy that I used to give him bulk. I had a guy that grew up with that turned me on to another guy That whenever I had bulk no question bulk jewelry. That's a weird. I go to your house three three fucking rings six bracelets To uh, your dad wears watches. I show up. I get fucking $10,000 to fucking uh

A bulk a little fucking one time I brought him so much shit eat. I he didn't have enough cash He would always tell you listen if you come here It's always 10 10k. You gotta give me 10 minutes to go get it Like nothing's gonna be over 10k unless my partner see it That's the first time that like I dealt with him a lot But one time I showed up and he gave me like 10 and he goes it's a friday Would you take a check? I'm like fucking dropping on me because I'm not leaving here without my money, right? And he never ratted me out like I had people who just melt the gold

They know what is well. They know what it is. This fucking humping Harlem And like like a like it was like a shady place to boot. That's really fucking killed me Yeah, I didn't imagine you went to k's jewelers or something. I could seem like if you were gonna go sell Jewelry now. Is that what all those cash for gold places are but just dressed up now? Is that like do you think that's where like junk? Yeah, you come in All right, it's importantly you come in I look at it. I weigh it gold is high right now, correct? It's a thousand an ounce Is it leaking you look up? I don't know. I don't know what the price is of gold right now

But when I was thief in and doing my thing in the 80s it was 900 Wasn't bad. You can make a little living fucking thief in and bring him back shit, you know You catch a good, you know, the thing was with gold that you get confused is how they rob you What's the price of gold from gram and ounce or ounce ounce? $1,200. Yeah, how you're making paper now you robbed somebody Holy shit, but see like if you rob your wedding band, that's that's douchey to you Because the diamond goes to waste they never really pay you for diamonds They give you like an exactamento on a diamond even though your husband paid 35,000 for the diamond

If it's not perfect They start and when you go to sell a diamond, there's always flaws when you go to buy it It's fucking the best thing they've ever seen. Yeah, this is one of the best listen three black dudes died off a cliff getting this You know and they held it in their hand till they didn't even hit the dirt And fucking hands were chopped off and the whole fucking thing But when you go to sell it, awesome, they start finding all these flaws There's a little flaw on the left side of the diamond So even if they could get a thousand for the diamond and they know it

They'll give you a hundred and they'll talk you down to a hundred unless you want to wait three They'll say it'll take three hours to mount the diamond off And then they'll break it It breaks That's why you never want to unmount the fucking diamond because it breaks. There's so many little things of jewelry So when you're looking for big rings grad even college rings Like we used to go in the house for fucking college rings. You got fucking three grand, you know what I'm saying? Bula bula you always hear about like

NFL players and college players losing championship rings. Do you ever come across one of those? Never never So to get back to your question you come to me inside the thing Your mom gave you a gold chain for fucking Christmas last year. You can't make rent I weigh it. It's 1200 an ounce. That's a fucking ounce Lee. No matter how you cut. I got 1200 for you. I'm gonna give you six You're gonna take the six because you're a desperado But guess what when you come back you got to pay me 12 Because that's the price of gold. That's how they get you. I don't know if that's the scam they're running But there's got to be some profit when you come back. It's like a pawn shop

You give me a ring. I give you 300 for 90 days After 90 days, you could come in and start making me payments And it's like a it's like a loan. It's like a big and if it but what if any of it sells within that 90 days? What happens it's not gonna sell he puts in a vault for 90 days and you have a loan Oh, okay, god, and then he charges you they either charge you two ways. Let's say they give you 300 They charge you whatever $15 a week plus the 300 Until so when you come back, let's say you come back six weeks later that you got to give them Let's say it's 30 dollars a week. You got to give them 120. That's how they make that profit

Just like a loan shark only with you're gonna who brings their drums to get pawned You're gonna fucking pawn shop. They got drums guitars That that's why I never got into the guitar. That's what I'm picturing. Yeah, that's why I never got I would have snorted. I would have snorted every fucking guitar I ever had That's why how that's how they get you leave so how do pawn shops work then? I thought like if you brought it in yeah, that they would try to that they'd sell it So they do they only sell no that's consignment Oh, that's a consignment shop. Well, no

So a pawn shop is when you come in and go listen You see that black cracker. I want to go do crack What can I get for this fucking ring and they take this ring and they weigh it and he goes What do you want to do sell it or pawn it? They let me point it for 90 days maybe my luck will change So let's say you have this ring is worth 850 They'll give me 325 But for me to get the ring back it'll cost me 10 points a week. So that's 3250

So I have 90 days to pay a flat fee. There's like a flat fee And then after that you pay on juice you come and then go. What if I pay juice every week until so I don't lose it And then if they lose it then they can sell it then if if you don't pay it then I could sell it You could buy it back, but you're gonna have to buy it back at retail, right? Just like any other customer like any other fucking cost So every time that's why I don't like buying shit at pawn shops because it's bad luck Somebody sold it. It was done on their fucking luck. Do you want to give me your wedding ring from a fucking pawn shop? Now I got this death finger on me

I got some of these fucking malook on me now and I gotta go home and kill 10 chickens and get fish eyeballs and rub them With my neck and then do a Jew thing I gotta do 10,000 religions to get that fucking kiss of death off me I hadn't been in one and then Paula and I were somewhere and we just stopped I was I was like, I've never been in a pawn shop Let's go in and it looked like it hadn't been changed since like the 80s It's all this is just a room with accessories anything from cameras to films to It's fucking creepy and you look at this stuff and you're like, where do you get this shit from?

But I watch that show sometimes. That's a very interesting show I've learned a lot of shit and listen. It's not like you watch it when you're on the road, vicky Yeah, you put it on you write you have youtube on you listen to music, but people bring them interesting shit I was watching it last week When the Green Bay Packers won couple years ago Every player gets a thing but the starters wives

Get something really did you know that's something like that and They had a pin And they brought the pin in and the guy goes. Yeah, this is official. They called the NFL Straight up, but then they found out that like the quarterbacks wife the mvp's wife Gets one with like a diamond on something fucking that just Only, you know crazy shit that you think is nothing and that's how they find value in things That's a very interesting show like shark tank You'll like porn wars porn whatever with that company porn stars. I've seen it. Yeah people come in and bring the weirdest fucking things and

Those guys find value. Basically. You're a loan shark Yeah, you're a legal loan shark with with something in the middle There's one. What's that? It's like uh, oh Layaway, no, no we were talking about the thing how you can't sell it So you'll just get fight our donations on paypal Like that just stands in the way like a bowling ball stands in the way. Here we go to a punch. I'm just a bowling ball You're like who the fuck pawned their bowling ball like what can you get for a fucking bowling ball like seven dollars? Seven fucking dollars for a bowling ball. Jesus

I got it must be huge in Vegas like around casinos don't you think huge? That's why they're all over the fucking place What do you think they're all over the place and they'll buy a wedding banquet because they'll sell a wedding banquet Holy shit. Oh We're in Vegas. They can't lose you can't lose. I'm drunk. You're drunk. Let's go get married Hold on. We gotta stop and get a wing at a fucking pawn shop Go to a pawn shop get a ring for 250 put it on the visa Oh my god. Yeah, it's a no lose situation pawn shops are better. I don't know how they make money Like I really don't know you have to do high volume like it would be a

Because some of them they're retail spaces and there's a lot of rent So yeah, yeah, I've always wondered I used to live by one and I went in there a couple times I remember one times I found the ring and I went in there and dropped it off and uh How much did you take for it 34 dollars or something? It was like a rusty ring I found that it was really gold It was something happened to the outside of it, but the inside had like 10k

And I saved it for like a fucking year And one day I go, what the fuck I need a bag of weed. I walked out when I got like there I'll never forget I got 34 bucks perfect I was looking for like 50, but I got 34. That's a gram unedible and a two dollar tip four dollar tip What who gives a shit? Everybody's happy. You ever pawn anything vicky peasant? No, no, I never pawned anything um

The whole concept of it's like so crazy to me. I know I do know that uh at one point I was told the story in my family that my grandmother pawned her wedding ring Um, but ended up getting it back So I never knew how that would work. So what you explained kind of kind of makes sense. It's 90 days You're not really giving it away. Right. It's a fucking loan You know, it's a loan like I don't understand the payday loan Oh, that's you and said like I think it's the same thing. I think it's the same thing I was like cashing a cheap fucking bang you out like I was thinking about

I was driving and I saw checks one and a half percent Like the place on uh, witsett not witsett It's on hollywood boulevard. Everybody's cast one check there. Does it there's a street on hollywood boulevard that uh, it's like, uh I whittly whittly and and whittly and fucking hollywood boulevard. I had an account there You know, when I was a desperado, I had an account there right you go in you show me your ID You give me a fingerprint and they'll work with you on anything. They're really fucking cool And I was I had that was my bank from 98 to

2007 And I remember like getting the first big residual check from spider-man and like telling like the day before Like listen, how much money you got in there because I'm coming with a big one for you tomorrow Because I you know, I was snorting coke there in spider-man too. You give me a fucking residual check Fuck so here's the problem if I got a check in those days Like for fucking whatever a thousand dollars. I could tell my wife was 800. I rip up the stub And just tell 800 and give her like three or five and keep three and snort it

Do you know what I'm saying? I know exactly if I had a cash it through her. She knew the exact amount But I was getting that I was fucked Here's a shady thing. I think she's my girlfriend, you know Um now because now I'm thinking about it now that you mentioned that What I would do sometimes is like when I was in college like around that age Like you go out to dinner with a bunch of people like it's a bunch of people out to dinner So I would I would Charge the bill on a credit card and I would take everyone's cash and then you use that cash to like buy coke

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's always a scam and then all of a sudden I have this huge credit card bill because really I've just been like using that to get cash off of everybody and it's like, oh, shit I still have to pay this credit card. Can you still go to a bar? Can I come up to your vicky peasant? Oh, I love can I ask you a question? Give me the bill for me and my friend, but do me a favor. Give me a hundred back. Keep 20 for yourself So once you give me the bill, let's say it's 84 fucking dollars, right? I'm gonna give you a 20 dollar tip, right? Whatever 84 dollars is it's uh 840 and 840 is 1680 so I'm gonna throw you a 20 and I'm gonna go listen. Do me a favor add 100 to that bill

Give me a hundred out of the register and I'm gonna give you 20 cash back Do people still do that scam? Oh, I don't know. It's not a scam. It's just really, you know, sometimes I'm gonna borrow them like money And put an extra hundred to this. It's kind of fucked up. It's on the borderline of illegal. I'm not sure I don't think servers understand that anymore. No, I remember my dad used to do that My dad he used to do it because when he worked at a restaurant they would give him free meals But he wanted to tip so he say open this up for a penny or whatever Oh, right. Yeah, but now

I'm starting I started talking to your accent now everyone Like whenever I go to a restaurant, they can't even handle splitting a check and it's on a computer It's like it's easiest It couldn't be easier and people won't can't even handle splitting a check So I don't think anyone's gonna be able to like if you went there and asked put 100 bucks on this They'd probably be like what I'm gonna get fired in the mid 80s. I used to get stolen credit cards I had a friend of mine who would just hand them over fresh Fresh with an amount and you

He would you had to wait till the consumer used the card twice called in Then they opened the account in those days. They were banks that they were came people were so kinky Then when vicky pezza got a card they printed two cards One went to vicky pezza One went to me so they printed 10 cards a day I got 10 cards and I had 10 dudes who got and worked the cards And I got 10% of their action. This is a real fucking thing to be really effective with that. You have to go into a different area So if you live in jersey and I get the bank out of new york You have to go like michigan. Yeah, so you would drive to michigan go to a mall and go crazy

In those days the computer in the 80s when I was doing the credit cards the computers were so slow in those days That even if vicky pezza called and said hi It's 7 p.m. In california. I just realized somebody stole my card. They'd freeze it, but it would only be in that time zone This is how slow how long we've come how you feeling over there doctor This is fucked up, right? So you could in those days You I take vicky pezza's card and I overnight mail it to lee in california Lee would have two days to use that card

Before california would get hit. This is how crazy this is the things you learn When you're out there like you guys were too young Under $50 up to like 1990 if you didn't charge $50 you could just sign There was no swiper They put it in a thing and went And ripped the receipt and gave it back to you So you remember that I remember the under the limit thief People made a living being under the limit thieves

Because I go vicky what do you need today? I need three underwear from Marie E. T. Okay. How much 50 or 40 bucks? No problem. I'll go get you the underwear you give me 20 And then I go get chinese lunch and I buy you and lee lunch Because it's five dollars for the lunch. So even with tip. It's fucking 22 25 It was called under the limit living You wouldn't charge and because and you have to go when people are busy Every great fucking moon. See in those days American Express

Diners club master card and visa sent out a booklet every weekly Okay, every week every fucking monday when you went to work You had to take four booklets diners club and throw it away and get four more booklets. Okay So let's say we're at fucking starbucks And I come in and I go all right. Let me get a coffee for lee fucking Vicky give Lenny two drinks. He's gonna need them Get the dog a drink give the guy that fucking momo sitting there a drink and they came out to 35 dollars, right?

Even if she's a fucking gentile Like somebody who lives by the book like really believes batman and shit like that Those are the only morons that would stop And open up that booklet With a magnifying glass because that's how small the fucking numbers were Even the v's even the credit card companies Didn't want you to know if the card was stolen because they get insurance on that So the numbers would be like so you ought to stop. I had I got a line from here to fucking

Lancashire You got to stop to get a magnifying glass To look at this number and look at the card 3441. This card is a stolen card. Nobody ever fucking did that in the five years I was doing it Nobody if it didn't hit 50 bucks. You got it That meant socks sneakers a pair of jeans two tickets to the movies and I had four or five different cards on me I'd be working for four or five different fucking angles. It was it was fucking insane And I thought everybody was it like everybody had a card and a card

In those days, I didn't even have a credit card then it wasn't even in my fucking realm I didn't even know where to start to get a fucking credit card and uh I had only a credit card with two different names on them I never used cash in those days for like two years. I was living like a doctor And you never got caught because that's what I was worried about I got caught twice One time I got caught by mistake my ex-wife Got nailed in san francisco And when they asked her what her name was the dumb bitch was from Denver

Her name was barbara cores and she spelt it with a k And the guy goes you spelt your name and she goes i'm having a bad day. He goes, I don't know how I've had many bad days. I don't remember how to write my name. I've had a bad day We had to run out of market street and run down the street like pussies then one time Like I would do it like on a daily there was like a year or two where I had this friend That I had met by mistake through a friend through a friend. It's not like I even grew up with him And he's the one that told me about this scam

But he goes you got to keep it fucking quiet because he was so It was really when I really went to effect what it was when I left north bergen when the people were looking for me And I owed a bunch of money. I went to kresge on new jersey And I hid in kresge on new jersey and that's when I really became good with it He goes don't use it in your neighborhood Right Don't use it on the buses use it in the city in the city. Nobody looks at your face and nobody fucking gives a fuck And I I became addicted to it

Like it became addicted to because it's like unlimited everything you want anything and then he started saying can you get rid of travelers checks? And those were easy because you just had to write it out again One out of ten people asked you for an idea in those days You bumped into one moron that was you know really believed in the law and shit That said can I got an identification with that and in touristy places you could go nuts You spend listen you spend in 20 dollars on a 999 t-shirt They know it. You know it. You're robbing me. I'm robbing you. Give me the fucking t-shirt. You shut the fuck up You're gonna get the 20 for the fucking t-shirt from the mx people

It was such a It was such a fucking rampant going on like and I didn't know people until I met this guy And I would basically talk to him on the phone from jersey go to Harlem pick up weed and I'd meet him like a lower man hatton And we meet like by uh 59th and Broadway and there used to be like a little bar in there and we talk for an hour And he'd bring people with him That this is what they did

for a fucking living They had like, you know how people what's that thing that you get a somebody and I sell you soap We we all signed up for that fucking amway. This was amway for fucking credit cards Like this guy had 50 guys in brooklyn and the Bronx working with credit cards That he would refuel him with three or four credit cards every three days And these guys John was to go out and get merchandise So I come to you and go vicky pass. You want to design a nice studio, right? You want microphones in a nice Listen, these go for a thousand a piece this this this you want the computer the speakers

It's 10g retail. I come back here tonight. You give me five grand cash. Fuck. Yeah, I'll give me five grand cash For brand new shit in boxes with warranties. What do you give a frenchman's fuck? Well, now you can't use the warranty with computers now. They'll definitely catch you. Yeah stolen merch Well, even I mean even the stores uh back when when you're talking about like would they even have cameras or the capability to record 24 seven no No, no, no, no, no. They're watching everything everyone does. They would be the only way you could credit quad for it. Today is online Oh, yeah, but you have the problem with online is that you have to set up different Because I was thinking about it, you know, I'm the fucking criminal no matter what some nights. I smoke a joint

I think about Poseidon Some nights I smoke a joint I think about fucking how somebody would do this stuff because I absolutely don't know I would have to get somebody like lee and like a foreigner Those motherfuckers like I know there's Armenians in glendale That know how to get 200 credit cards off the computer in 10 seconds And just start buying shit And sending it to warehouses where they don't have to sign for it that just get dropped off And pray to god

I think that's how you would do it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know because you still gotta deliver it Right. So all they gotta do is wait for whoever signs and you arrest them That's yeah, at some point you have to go pick up this merchandise somewhere somewhere So that's the only way I could think of doing it, but on a face-to-face no more at seers or at I went to the mall tonight. Uh, what's the name of the fucking dump or anything anymore Yeah, like even macy's no fucking way you use the credit card you get away with it They're gonna find you nowadays. I think the odds are against you because that's what I feel I feel because you can't buy that with fucking glasses and a funny fucking nose

Everyone's had they're like, I've had my credit card stolen. Yeah, but look where they use it and how they use like guarantee They used it online a couple a couple times. They actually do try to do it in stores still They still do try but I don't think anyone ever looks for them Do you I don't think Well, I think when you walk in the store, you have to see if the cameras are activated I think the only way I would use a card today is a vicky puzzle work that Some place and I would go in there and she'd go listen the cameras are off from 10 to 11 Buy up some shit inside jobs. I grew up with a friend of mine that ended up being

My first daughter's godmother and she was a badass bitch This bitch was a jersey badass bitch and she worked at Lord and tailor and then david. Yeah the shoe place And every night with goombas. I knew her boyfriend. I knew her mother I knew her father and her and I would sit on the porch and smoke a joint And this is before I started doing business. She was telling me huskamp How when shipment comes in You take a pair of shoes out and say they're

What's that word when food when clothes goes to ross damn how damaged correctly out irregular irregular so When a shipment of shoes would come in she'd get the most expensive shoes and say It broke And she'd take a pair of like when you went to her house. She had rooms filled of three of all shoes She was that's a dream come true. She was 21 years old at the time But everything they got that was really worth it It was damaged and they'd send her another box and no don't send her back We don't care throw it away and she would take a pair of shoes home

So She had been there since high school like as a stock clerk And just went through the ranks and when she got out of high school They said listen being the system manager Two years in the chick quit to go somewhere else. She took over so Beside the bank cards we were getting we were also getting cards of people who were getting hit And you gotta move the cards fast. So I would take them to her to see if they were stolen Before I went out in the loose in the mall where she worked at I would take the card down to her first

If the card was good first thing we had I had there was by her pair of shoes We'd buy her a dress a pair of shoes from the joint then we walked through them She'd walk me through the mall. She knew everybody at the mall that was on this So they would say the same thing Buy a pair get what you want By the way, I'm gonna ring 50 extra and I'm gonna take 50 cash from me So everybody was getting paid. There was nobody getting upset When the cops come nobody knows nothing, right? I don't remember what the guy looked like. He was fucking. I don't know Spanish

And that's it end the fucking story You know, they have to send investigators after you To see uncontrolled like uh, they they call it something irregular business at year A lot of prevention or something. Yeah, because a lot of times vicky pezzas in on it too vicky pezzas say, wait, wait, wait So let's pretend you come in here once a week and buy something But I don't sell it here. You just ring my register and you buy whatever the fuck you want, but I keep the product You know I'm saying you do that once a month after three months American Express gonna come in there and go there's a lot of regular fucking activity coming out of your goddamn store

It's so weird the shit you learn growing up in Jersey like you wouldn't Learn this dumb. This is the most stupid information that happened in your brain But it's great to have just like scams But it makes me more careful like it makes me more careful now It makes me more careful with my wife like I have one credit card for a computer You want to rob that credit card be my fucking guest? You know what I'm saying back yourself out It's to people who use a lot of credit cards like I think now about what's going on. I don't know what's going on But man, there's a lot of fucking the cranky shit on the computer

There's tons of kinky people trying to get you. They'll get you They duplicate your bank info and your bank logo and they email you And while you're doing it, you know, somethings are not right. You're like, what the fuck? What are you talking about? Log on to this and you log on to that. They want everything. You're like, this is too much These people are fucking scams, you know Those fucking Africans that take your money that you adopted 30 million That's the oldest scam in the book and people still buying into that shit Like I've seen news segments or in shit where it's like the people that got scammed by like

Nigerian princess thing and it's it's it dumb founds me that anyone at this day and age What is it? This got to be like 20 years now of the the old Nigerian I get three fucking ones a week From just the weirdest shit that if you can't tell they're a scam you have to shoot yourself Like now I know you almost deserve to be robbed right like now I know how they even come so I just don't even open them Right like now, you know what it says in the heading how they try to trick you but not really It's not like they're like you inherited a million dollars. They don't say that no more They say something like into the account of mr. Diaz. We have a discussion with you about an urgent matter

At first I was checking them because I don't know what the fuck my ex-wife is doing She's putting voodoo on me and she's got tapes from me fucking robbing credit card with motherfucker in san francisco Do you ever get one email that is allegedly from someone you know in real life? Where it's like, you know, oh, hey, you know, um, hey, uh, you know, it it's joey Diaz Um, I'm in england. I lost my passport. Oh, yeah, it'll be like a whole story. I'm like dilly bitch But it's like you'll know the first and like really they just tweeted from starbucks Then my friend they call me up right right up you This tail this wild tail

It is I had an email from a friend of mine that asked me to buy steroids And I read it that morning. I'm like, what the fuck is he talking about? I had to call him up and go What the because I'm sorry I got hacked He's into steroids they went into his account because they read your shit first To try to make it believable to try to make it believable Jesus they're method acting. Yeah, they met that they read your shit first Then they try to make it believable and then you fall for it. You're like, what are you talking about? Let me call joey and then you're like somebody just sent me an email

Saying joey sent me $5,000 right now. I'm like, fuck you. I got one. I was trying to find it I can't I must have deleted it some guy was like one of those African princes one but saying I was a fan of your podcast and I was like I was so excited and what are you saying? I thought he needed money like I haven't I haven't I was so I was so dumbfounded. I just deleted it, but I was like, what is happening They had money that was for you. It was one of those two. I have to pay a small fee to get it out of the shit Listen, man, this is how they do it if they send out a hundred of those emails Two people gonna go for it. What about the one that I saw in 60 minutes? That one's even more interesting

You get a call and it's somebody from the irs Saying that you owe back taxes and if you don't pay it within 24 hours I'm gonna come over there and arrest you in front of your children and shit that happened to my mother-in-law She got one of the calls I got it too. I got one to write the first year I couldn't pay my taxes in full and I was petrified I was like, uh, they said con they said contact your attorney and I was like, I don't have an attorney And I was real nervous, but then my mom I could just see this fucking momo. Oh my god. I was petrified. It was the first time I set up a payment

I was like, I said about a payment plan. They can't do this to me And then I looked it up and they say that like they'll never call you They'll never do that. Yeah, so I calm down, but it was like a scary you have this point in life And and you hate to say this because you don't want to be negative towards people But at this point in life, if you fall for one of those fucking scams You should be shot and hung you should be ashamed of yourself Any phone scam my shit like that, you know, it's so weird that When I first started dating my wife, we were going somewhere one day and my wife's a really sweet girl, you know

She's not jersey tough or nothing She'll tell me to look at that picture on the wall or something, you know And I could goof on it, but I don't that's her world and I respect it and I love being with her You know, and uh, I know there's something about her I know this that when homeless people and shit would talk to she would just keep walking straight so that made me like her even more because She's that nice that'll help you out But she just didn't go for it. She just did not fucking go for it, you know, and I asked her once I go

I mean, you don't even break And she goes, you know, man, I don't talk to nobody on the street I learned the lesson a long time ago. If you want to stand, it's really true You don't need to talk to nobody Nobody like you just keep fucking walking unless they come up to you and you see the blood and the hole From the gunshot. I can't help you I don't know nothing Let's walk down this alley. Let's do this. Let's not know nothing. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know oblo

No, I'm low. No, I'm low. No, I'm low and you just keep fucking yelling and run the fuck away. You know, you don't even stop Like there's no stopping because they somewhere another they involve your feelings. They've been doing this all day They do this 30 times a day. They're gonna get one purse There used to be people like uh in north jersey like um, you know the white castle in norc I don't know if you ever I don't think I ever went to that particular one There's there's a white cast it was just it was so close to belval the convenience of it outweighed the You know, it's not the best area a town Um, and I would be a teenager in my in my neon like that was my first car was like a neon like this fucking

Oh, it was so shitty So you would know going to this white castle like in the in your car in the drive through there's gonna be a dude There's gonna be a dude who's gonna linger all day in between where you order and where you pick up the food So even as as like an 18 year old girl who if my oh my god, if my parents knew like what you know But you drive around norc like this is this what you do So it's like I would have to know if i'm gonna go to that white castle All right, if the meals like five dollars really i'll need like seven or eight because I know I pretty much have to pay off This guy to not get any shit

While i'm getting my food That was just a part of thing sometimes. How sad is that? It isn't how sad is that sometimes I'll pull up to a 7-eleven. I'll stay in my car and get the fuck out of there Because there's not one homeless dude. There's five of them And you know what man? They're all able I got a heart. I really get it How was that guy fucking 15 years ago? But I figured I had to get a fucking suit And get a briefcase and walk into buildings and rub penny change or whatever the fuck it was

But to stand out there as a young male adult And this was the story it was like it was and it was always the same story because I'd go there all the time I'm with my I have my three nephews are inside We ran out of gas my car's here like it was the same story Every fucking time you went to that white castle and then like there'd be like liquor stores where there's a guy like A lot of the businesses like would have the dude and it'd always be the same dude every time with the same Variation of this original tale that's happening in that moment. They were running that scam I'm burbanking Lancashire

I saw them running two times in two months and it was hilarious Because she came up to me the second time also And I wish that you would look at me and look at my face And go, you know what that guy's heard a few fucking stories. Yeah, I'm not gonna go up to him with that story I'm gonna either fucking blow him Or give him a good fucking story But she came up to me with the kids in the truck And the husband that they needed to fill it up because they were trying to get out of town

And something didn't It wasn't right. I mean, you know, I got an ATM card. I just filled up my car. I can't help you And then I went there a month later at the same time. I wasn't even going in there I drove by but I recognized the truck and again She was looking for money, you know Have you ever seen that guy on woodman and right off the 101 he was in he always wears like a full Uh denim outfit and he has a sign that he's like his house is gonna be foreclosed on

He's been there for like three years. So what's a nickel gonna fucking do for you? You're foreclosed you haven't paid your rent 90 fucking days Plus bank fees and shit and you're out here getting nickels. I ain't giving you a dick cock sucker You should have planned ahead You should have planned ahead you fuck and nah, bro. I got a lot of heart man I donate a lot of shit and I try to help people out but four young dudes might not even I'm 53 I can't pick up a brick no more I'm talking about four young men. There's that thing larry even went to that thing last week. He worked for one of the fucking

Uh committees or some shit, but there's still that thing where you're going you shape up And you have to do shit work, but it's fucking work. It's better than staying in front of the fucking 7 11 They were taking people then there's that lady who goes to the 7 11 one Where I pulled up with the headlights and she gave me the finger and told me to go fuck myself And then letra I go leave give her a dollar. She wouldn't take it from me All right She wouldn't take it. She's in like a wheelchair that you have to like blow to keep moving It's like that's like the worst thing you've ever seen the saddest fucking thing

The 7 11 in my area is I gotta do a documentary I gotta show people the one on fucking magnolia into hunger They're gonna kill somebody there like I you don't need to be a fortune teller You don't need to be a swami just go in there 11 o'clock. Lee might go to all of them The best one is the one where we go late night and we stand outside and talk But there's a chinese sushi place two doors down that stinks like shit You stand there and it's that old fish heads and fucking oh and the wind's blowing off the 170 And you're trying to eat our fucking piece of chips. We usually go get chips

Died so that we talk shit for 15 minutes, but down the block from the cop station So there's no action in there. There's I've never gone in there. There's no disrespect at all The owners are then the daytime. They're very nice and whatever they're uh ices But they're nice ices. They don't bother nobody That these two guys are great. The one guy's very good looking. Nicest. Yeah, they're nice as ices The one guy's very good looking. He has a hairdo. He's always on top of it They're always on the phone To all three of those guys that rotate on burbank and cofax and gentlemen

Then you take that part of your lower cane and channel That's ices That's called they even killed somebody there already. Oh my god a homeless guy stabbed yona with a bottle Where there's blood. There's blood. I'm telling you you go in there at night. I took lee in there They had the music blasting. They don't make eye contact There's not one seven eleven that you go on to that they have Oh Blasting

Blasting I think someone must have complained because I've been trying to go. I went in last night at like 10 30 It wasn't on no, but at night they all have the head gear In the daytime, they don't have the head gear at night. They bust out the helmets They're ready for fucking war in there jack And this one over here is getting really fucked up The one on magnolia and to hunger is my favorite They used to be a mexican woman in the daytime maria. She looked down the block for me. I like maria. She's got a nice kid Everybody's decent

How far did you get into her life? I don't fuck around with people. I got a personal relationship with my seven eleven. You understand me. I'm loyal How many times I got to tell you that shit whatever happened to the uh, the indian, uh bodybuilder remember him Yeah, from do you remember him? We had that guy under control vicky pezza They shipped him out when ices came in. No, that was a brand new training camp. We gotta watch Remember you've gone in there with me at night. There's an old guy in that. Oh, yeah with the beard That guy is he ices lean. He's the leader because yeah, I think he has like the little he has different color coding on his beard Sometimes. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Does that mean something? I'm not fucking with you guys

I wouldn't lie to anybody about this shit. I've made little observations The indian guy that was there before was a bodybuilder that started doing steroids A little fucking uh, a little ices dude, but he was a sweetheart I could go in there when there was 30 people online with lee And I make eye contact with him like give me a crap And before he went to put the hot dog on the bun, he would stop and fucking pose for me Oh, I had him under control. Look at that. Oh, you're looking at the air control out I had him under control that poor little fucking dude and one day him and his whole crew disappeared

So wait a minute. What are you suggesting here? You're suggesting that they got big and buff And then no, there was only one guy that got big and buff And I heard they sent them all to venice that whole crew got sent to venice And they came in with a new crew and the crew little chief leader At magnolia and to hungers definitely ices Okay, he's definitely ices. I don't know about his little minions over there. They're very nice there The traffic they get there is very bad down the block is a uh Bus station

It's a bus station and then like the cars are street There's a park And people live in rvs in the middle of the night people live in the park the cops shake that park down every night But you could rambo that motherfucker put a blanket over your head and shit with grassland and you get away with it They think it's like a grass pile But they come out of that fucking thing. There's nights. I've been in there and people have gone in there Fucking shop lifted and showed it to the dudes and run out and they're like, what are we gonna do? We're not gonna chase this poor kid. We're not gonna get nowhere

We're just gonna get a line And what we're gonna do chase them and get beat up by four guys and then they'll call the cops and the cops come And they'll check the cameras and they'll check for them in the area But that takes three fucking hours, you know But I've been in there with some wow. I remember that's where the hooker was the hooker We taught you that I taught you for like a year. Yes. She disappeared. It's weird. It's a weird. That's a weird 7-Eleven That's a weird 7-Eleven. So the one on Chandler. They already stabbed the owner. He's dead At 11 in the fucking morning. It was closed for two weeks. They had to close Laurel King

The 7-Eleven Laurel King and Chandler I knew two years ago was ISIS because I used to go in there before I went to the store And I'm like, I've been through a lot of 7-Eleven's in my day. This one's a little fucked up They don't treat you right. They don't make eye contact. They're always on the phone yelling and fucking And then they're fucking just giving you a change. They don't say thank you. They don't offer you a bag They're just fucking rude But I like the other one because we had the one Hindu on the control in there He was bodybuilding so I chose that one

But the one by Burbank like I said is next to the police station But it's down the block from that C grade sushi. I ate that three times and I made it I never went back there again one night in the middle of the night I had cold shakes And I woke up and I go I ate that three times and then get sick. I ain't going back there again It's like a three-item lunch thing the filly roll wasn't bad But you could tell the salmon either was a week old It was right before they fucking go bad, but it wasn't bad Right on the cusp

Yeah around the cusp It's a few and they gave me a chicken cutlet fried in something I remember it was fried and I know I got a pimple on my nose the next fucking day in the middle You have to know what is shit My 7-eleven is so much different than you guys in simi valley Can I tell you about like just like my my my biggest problem was During the day shift and i'm usually a nighttime person I'm usually like midnight two in the morning 7-eleven and that's always the guy in the bluetooth, but uh

During the day sometimes there was like an an overly friendly cashier where I was like I don't know if I could handle all this small talk I was just gonna say joey's very friendly you and I are both kind of like loners like And I knew it when you said he's the guy with the bluetooth joey knows it's mario with the kid who plays baseball Right, right, and we're like it's the guy with the bluetooth I like him He doesn't talk to me and bother me when I'm eating my snack This is how I wanted to go I go up to the register they I'm gonna ask for marvel light 100s two packs They already know it like we have that relationship. Hi. How are you doing facial recognition?

Nice nice relationship, but there was one guy who would take it to a level that It was kind of weird. He was kind of like young nerdy nerdy looking white guy Um white dude. Yeah, okay, but the only white dude that worked there at all right They gotta have a fucking they gotta have like uh, whatever they call it. Yeah, it's what's that when they have black people token The token white, uh, you know when they oh affirmative action Yeah, they got seven eleven got a firm an action way. We gotta hang we gotta hire a white dude or a mexican You know they always look for a mexican with a beer. How are you today? Yeah, they look for a mexican that can pass as an arable

They make them get a beer come back when you got a beer to be like Have you considered a turban? That was my biggest 7-eleven problem. Um, this this young this young white man is too nice I don't know if I could keep this up. How nice is simi valley every time I come up and see you I'm like, I would love to live in simi valley. I love living in simi valley. I love it. It's it's Nothing happens Perfect. I want something to happen. I drive down the 118 for 10 minutes on a trafficless freeway and boom. I'm in la And then I'm in the mix of everybody else. I love simi valley Is that lame? No, I feel like I've lost my edge

Simi valleys where the cops lived have beat up those black people. They called it Yeah, we don't like to talk about that. I didn't want to bring that up still up there Well, well, did you guys watch the people versus oj simpson when it was on? Oh my god It was like the worst pr for simi valley ever They kept bringing it up the one guy in the one scene was like I live in simi valley and I love it Like everyone was glaring at him and I'm like, do we live in a racist town? I didn't know my cousin and her husband live in simi valley And they have a very nice house. He's a cop

Oh a highway patrol. Okay And he said that his whole block of cops At the whole block like his captain's down the block His lieutenant street blocks away, you know, I never even knew about it till the oj thing that the simi valley, but I like any of those places, you know, I'm always scared that if I move there Then I get a job in hollywood and I had to drive every right. Yeah, that's what you're scared of right I love to live in simi valley if I had to stay in simi valley. It's like I love living in the valley If I don't have to go over that fucking hill for anything

Once I got to go over the hill, I started getting a little ratty that night before unless it's for something I really want to do But if it's for some stupid, I ain't going anymore. Like I am over that drive. It's so I am over that drive people do not understand. It's like when I go to jersey. I love new jersey. I love new jersey With all my heart. I had a lot of Fun in new jersey and a lot of great memories like when I moved out of here Like new jersey was not on the map Like I still remember

1997 Talking to this girl that was going to type up my resume And bio and get everything together for me on the computer for $250 And what she was was a pr girl that worked for a firm on wilshire boulevard And she dated a comedian This has to be close to 20 years ago, and I'll never forget this We're at her house My friend's there was smoking pot. She's typing like she was great at all that stuff

And I remember her coming over to me like I had cancer And she goes can I talk to you about something? We shouldn't put new jersey on there And I go why not she knows new jersey is saying so small She goes, where did you grow up? I go when we came from cuba. We lived on 205 worst days. She goes leave her right there Say new york city So, you know me dog. You're gonna put new york city on something I take it. I well at that point. I'm just trying to get work guys, right? So if they wanted to be new york, so be it fine

But you know what that fucking girl put on there hell's kitchen And that resume went everywhere and one of my friends got a hold of that resume And called me from new jersey. He was hey, man I got a problem here. He goes I saw somewhere. I really I told this I still talked to him I still talked to him a lot once a week twice a week and he said to me amen. I saw that uh That hell's kitchen. What the fuck are they talking about? I remember saying that to him like The publicity this publicity lady said not to put new jersey once the soprano said Then it was all over then it was cool to be from jersey

Everybody asks you stupid fucking creepy questions about new jersey If you're from jersey everybody assumed you were in the mafia your uncle was in the mafia It was so weird how one tv show even though people even though springsteen Has always publicized. He's from jersey. Yeah, and I thought about it years later. I'm like She cannot he's not around no more. He de tapped out So she she was probably a bum too And I always think about what that fucking mud is doing Like I thought about it years later. I go wait a second

Bon Jovi at that time publicized. He was from jersey. Everybody knows fucking the chairman of the mother fucking board Is from fucking jersey and mother fucking uh springsteen from jersey. Okay So what the fuck are you talking about? She's probably living in jersey now. She's probably living in jersey now fucking Who the hell knows but it's so weird how the the the jersey Image has changed in 10 years like now. It's hip to be you know, I heard they built up red bank red banks I was I was just gonna mention red bank because I was there. Um, it yeah, it is the whole all main street and everything Or broad street Is that what it is? I heard they wanted to turn it into a place so people didn't have to go into the city

Well, good luck with that. You have no like shit like that entertainment. Yeah, I heard that we're gonna build film studios out there and uh Just a lot every time I go to new jersey It changed so much over the years And my sadness is that I go to jersey for three days Like one of the times I took a train which in my world. I thought it was a blast. I've always liked that train from down the shore To either whole bokeh and then you switch and go this grand central or I don't know how it really works anymore But I would take that train all the time into the city It went from fucking root exit 17

My buddy lived on uh, nolin road I would walk to the corner and he would drop me off, you know So no you couldn't walk to the train And the fucking buses would come all the time there and trains there were trains every 15 minutes, man And you just got on the train Did you get the ticket and then go on the train then the guy puts the hole in it No, no, you would that's that's that train there that they still have that in boston It's called the commuter rail. It's like an actual train. It goes like all all run the state. That was fun. Oh, it's great

To me, that's what I don't trust this train system It's not bad. I don't know why the red one isn't fucking bad with the one here the the metro Yeah, I don't trust the fucking earthquake value and I don't trust the train new york anymore a bomb under there You're fucking done jack Yeah, if you're on 72nd street waiting for the train and that bomb goes off on 86 you're getting done This train I never trust I never feel Hunky dory, you know, I grew up in the old trains with graffiti and people getting stabbed on the train The best was every train you get out in those days in the 80s

The train would open people were empty Lee listen to me. You're gonna love this lee on demand This was on demand Every time you took the train you saw this guy twice a day The train would open empty would train out The new people get back on the train the doors closed The guys the guy goes keep your hands away from the door because they're about to close right after that word You'd hear the front door open like that door in the front. Ah, that somebody comes walking

And some guy would come walking And he go excuse me excuse me I need your attention ladies and gentlemen. I'm put a hat on the floor But let me tell you what's going on in my life right now He would fucking go into this speech about he had cancer. He had hiv I got a tumor. I got a fun guy toe. I got liver disease All of this shit. Oh no, and he would sit there with a hat Nobody would give him a fucking nothing

And then he would go to the next train and the door wouldn't close and you'd hear him doing the same fucking speech in there And and much like the foreclosure that you mentioned earlier. This is another what's a nickel going to do situation For sure. I don't know anymore. Like I said, I'm very generous I know who's bullshitting me. You know who's bullshitting your life Sometimes you don't even give a fuck. You just go, you know what give this guy a dolly's out here by himself It's cold. Whatever the fuck Like the ones I saw today. I went to 7-eleven today There was a dude with a dodger hat

Standing there asking for donations Then there was three of them by the fucking tank by the gas tank And they yell over at you Hey, give me a fucking doc like hey, you got a quarter of this spare I got a whole fucking cup I've changed in the middle of my glove compartment there that little thing That will give you If you ask me the right way if you walk up to me like a man that goes and I haven't eaten in fucking three days

Look at me. Can you help me out? I'm trying to get a job. I don't have a job I'll help you out man It's those guys that are just waiting there and they get 10 nickels and they figure out how to smoke crack And they go into a hole and it's on me like I'm supposed to fucking feel bad because I don't give them a dollar fuck them Fuck them motherfuckers I learned when I lived in Boston that you can't you have to like kind of to scout the area out And you can't do it if like you're gonna see them every day because I made that mistake once Like I got off at the same train stop every day for three years

And you give the and you give it to one guy That was it after like a few weeks and I was like god, I got off at a different stop for a couple of days just like To lose them lose them. Yeah They're great in Boston. There's one guy who yells all day Like he yells with a horse voice anybody got an spare change. He just walks up and down Fuck you There's a woman in Cambridge who like the irs is going after because she made over a hundred grand hand handling

What that's more money than I made listen man, if you slick it up You can make a lot of money If you slick it up and attack prime time on the train or a bus in the morning You can make a lot of money. It was a guy 30 years ago that would dress up in a suit And walk up and down Times Square and say excuse me sir. I just got mugged Can I get ten dollars to get home and everybody would give him ten twenty thirty dollars because he had a suit on Different game clean shave and nice hair manicured I've just been wrong. I don't know what to do

The cops can't help me. I have no money to get home. I live in Long Island All I need to do is I got ten dollars from me. He would start at eight in the fucking morning seven thirty That's a good one by lunchtime three four fucking hundred six days a week. That's 2400 That's close to 10 g's a fucking month And he would switch it up from Grand Central To Times Square to other parks. Yeah, you can't have you can't have the same commuter senior number 2020 hadamon And he would wear nice suits and nice hair and just just listen, man Like I said, I'll help anybody. I had that guy close to my house the black dude. That was a genius

wouldn't take my money Wouldn't take my money I asked him 10 times. Please take this 20 get something to drink. It's 90 degrees No, brother. I'm fine. He would go over if you ever drive on Chandler Now in this a bridge you ever see that bridge Lee? We see it all the time in this graffiti And there's always somebody out there jerking off They're like a 13 year old in the back moment and they're jerking off in the front seat there when nobody ever stops there By that wall there, there's a fence And he lives down there. He goes behind that fence and he set up like a compartment

Cops don't bother nothing And he gets exercised there. It's amazing And it's his and nobody fucks at this black dude And he made it so he could push the shopping cart back there and he's got like hubcaps and books in there magazines and Somebody gave him like a thing to watch movies on It's pretty brilliant. I respect those guys. Yeah And I offered him money a couple times. I would take the baby on a stroll I'd see him and talked to him and he told me what he used to do. He had a family and shit. He wasn't drunk

He was coherent I dropped off clothes one time I went there two days later. It was gone. You know, so he took the clothes and stuff I've always wanted to talk to some of those people who live in rvs because I've never seen that before I'm seeing homeless people. Um, it's terrible and I but I feel like that's a different there's a different Yeah, but those rv people are not homeless by choice. Exactly. I guarantee that Having a great time. Yeah, I had a girlfriend who had an rv dog one day this bitch told me I'm getting rv there's an rv camp and uh

where uh Henry hell used to live In seattle rent rent in rent in washington. This place was tremendous guys It was like a hundred a week To park the rv You took showers inside there was a pool there was a weightlifting thing. There was a dry cleaner There was a restaurant. There was a movie theater Are you fucking crazy? There was a post office. There was a bank

There was a whole world in there a whole little community a whole community and you backed in your rv They had different spots If you want to be close to the fucking all the mall Or if you want to be 50 yards away or 100 yards away I was a comic You know, I didn't have any money I had a car but All I did was do comedy that

She asked me she goes if you could behave yourself. You can live here. That's not coke and shit. So I said, ah, let's give it a try It was a great two or three months. We had up there. It was great. I'd wake up in the morning jumping the pool Yeah, we get out. There were steam baths. They had a sauna I you had like the fucking shampoo in there you could shave And then you fucking went to the restaurant. You had breakfast. They had two eggs baking nice I mean league fucking nice. I'm telling you now that sounds like fun But these people are like living right they well, listen, that's a party over there. Lee That's a party over there because okay, so

I don't know if they're homeless necessarily because I remember I used to do kettlebells over there Right. Yeah, and I would drive by and it's the same people every day that just move it there and some people are out Some people park it there and go to a job. I think Yeah, I think some people just live there, but like and it gets you incredible and then they get back there Remember they could leave at their hotel at night Then they have to move it somewhere if you go there right now. There's no there's nothing there really You have to by law go there right now on the way home go that way

You can't park up by the park no more night I know by the residential area you could park but no those trailers gotta move at night jimmy boy You can park in walmart, right? Isn't that Lee? Isn't that like a thing walmart lets you park RVs or Anything I think people talk about it when you're like driving cross-country to park walmart park and lots of but Only right now you're You get divorced You lose your house You know

You don't really know what you want to do. You look at the paper. There's an RV for sale for fucking 10 grand that you could that's ready to go The engine's fucking strong. It's got air conditioning. It's got direct tv. I'm already sold Yeah, you know and you go, you know what let me give this a shot And you know what Lee? I gotta tell you something you could put a lot of money away if you could do it for three years and figure out The ins and out how to cook have a friend that cooks you could sleep there two nights a week You sleep in your IV you got tv

But it's have to have air conditioning like cake when cake quickly quickly came on She had an idea she goes. I want to move to the beach by myself. You're gonna get stabbed and fucking raped Don't take a fucking genius to tell you that But you know if you guys Whatever you didn't want to work and you wanted to try something It's not a bad fucking life for six months, man I think I could do it for a short amount of time. They have kitchens Listen, you're not going to cook money go

And fucking steak beats at all and fucking the meal of the seven dishes christmas eve You can eat up some chicken though. You can make soup. You can bring cold cuts grilled cheese. You can make ziti You can make salads. You can make protein shakes. You have to get a generator. You know It's not a bad life for like I said, I did it and I'm a fucking picky fuck It wasn't bad because of the situation We had the one where you could take showers in there. I mean, yeah, you have eight minutes to take a fucking shower But that that where you were parking it seems amazing. Yeah, fuck those showers. No, I know we didn't use those showers, but Listen, man, god, you know a couple years ago people lost their homes for closure with all that shit that went down with mortgages

That was the easiest way out to get an RV You know and they put you know, you know a felicia lives down there, right? Yeah, if you keep going down and you make a right You'll see five or six of them over there at night There's spots all around here that you pull up with your RV. You keep your mouth shut You bring a sandwich and you watch your tv. You go to bed. Nobody says nothing to you But you can't be at that park. Did you see that on the east coast? I didn't I don't I don't remember it. I was too young and I didn't look for it and I didn't really That's also that and also could be true that I didn't notice it. Yeah. No, I didn't really know

I mean, there were I remember there being mobile homes trailer parks things like that, but no, I don't remember I know in the my brother lives in an RV that they just made into a home You know those things. Yes. He lives in Delaware. Well, they they got an RV. They put two of them together They weld them. Yes They get a good toilet system like it's a good toilet system They give you a backyard They give you a fucking front steps. They give you I don't know if they give you a garage

And it's an RV that's designed to be a home and that wasn't bad. I went to visit my brother That wasn't bad. They had a pool in the back Couldn't be that fucking bad. You know, yeah I want a pool so fucking bad like to me to have a pool in my yard like an in-ground pool That would be the ultimate the ultimate thing. I want an in-ground pool. Yeah. Yeah, just an in-ground pool I mean we like we have we rent a house that I don't own the house, but it's a nice house and I've been there a lot of years Um, I always say like I never ever want to leave this house But the truth is if another house came along to have an in-ground pool in the backyard to me

It's like, oh, that's it. Would you swim every day? In in my head. I think I'd swim every day whether whether I would actually go through with that I don't know, but I would love to yeah in yeah in my head I go out in the morning smoke a cigarette go in the pool. Maybe just hang by the pool Maybe type by the pool do my work by the pool. I'm nice with it be to get out drink a cup of coffee Go on social media do all your work on social media go outside Smoke a joint finish a cup of coffee Jump in the motherfucking pool once you got some momentum before breakfast

Do 10 laps? Huh, is it a heated? Yes, in this fantasy, it's absolutely when you wake up you you press the button and you give it 45 minutes You jump in that motherfucker. You do 10 20 laps brother. You get out you run right into the shower. You wash your monkey You put your clothes on you eat breakfast and you fucking go out in the world like a savage You just did 20 fucking laps in a pool, you know, you started your morning with an hour in the pool, you know Your body's on fire How great would it be? Yeah, I like pools too. We have a pool, but they shut it down

We still got a yard, but the pool is done. You know, I mean it would have been a lot more fucking dull if I got a pool I don't need no fucking pool. Right. Right. If I ever get enough money to buy a house I love a pool a nice lap pool with you know Felicia Michaels has a tremendous pool. Oh really? And they've gotten in it maybe five times. Oh, no Heated long for laps a jacuzzi in the back Oh my god When you when it's in front of you, it's amazing how

Okay, you could buy swings for your child, right and they have a horse in the back and a fucking Treehouse They'll do it three or four times and they'll neglect it. They go to some other kids house You can't get them out of the fucking tree house, you know, right? You can't get them off the fucking swings You got a swing in your backyard. That's the problem with that stuff, right? Once you have it you just go Okay, I have a pool been there done that even when you're like would you swim every day and it's like well I imagine are you a swimmer? Um, I mean no not especially. I just I love to swim. I like going in the ocean Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me tell you something you jump in the pool in the morning

Before I got locked up A buddy of mine that worked at ups was like, yeah, I go. How do you stay so fucking yoked? And he goes I got three kids. I can't I got time to live twice a week For 30 minutes. I got to do it when my kids are in the shower or something said And he goes but the rest of the time I will swim And he talked me into going to master swimming program And I'll tell you Jumping in the pool first thing in the morning. There's a thousand things you could do first thing in the morning

I mean getting up Getting a protein shake smoking a little tootsie boots I would ride my bike there because it was four blocks away and I knew how to get there without even messing with cars, you know So I get my blood going a little bit that way I get in take my shorts off. I'd have a A fucking bikini on already And you jump in and she blow a whistle and make you do laps or pulls or just kicks And when you got out of that pool your body feels completely fucking different I would love to have a heated pool now where I could go in there at seven

To 745 to show because I was doing at the ymc a and Well into hollywood. They got the big pool, which is cold But they got the heated pool in the back. That's 90 degrees and it's empty at six So I would go steam sauna and then jumping that motherfucker and do 30 minutes and then go back Steam sauna throw some echo a little bit. I like echo like that every little to go up. No eucalyptus I would go to a fucking the health food stores and buy a container eucalyptus

And I would sneak it into the ymc game put it on the pipes and Just sit there and breathe and fucking it was tremendous. I love all that shit I if anything I wish I had now I wish I had a steam Like a fits like that. I could go in there and put hot water and Get the top layer of fucking bullshit out of your skin every morning. I wish I had one of those that I like does It's yours. You can go in there balls ass. Yeah, yeah

With ass sweating and burn the hemorrhoids off your muffler. Just sit on the fucking ball. I grill it Like I grilled my hemorrhoid Even the hot bar that you're supposed to get the steam from we're gonna sit on your It's a finger It's a finger fucking speech Ah The other thing I always wanted and I finally got was a pool table Uh, we finally like have a pool table in our house where like you'd leave into my house

You know the dye the dining room or what should be a dining room is now the pool table. Yeah, that's fucking It's like, oh, but we won't have a dining room. Fuck it. Who cares everything's gone pool table now takes up everything I just took out my dining room table. My mom thought I was crazy I was like I sat on it like twice never used it Like why am I gonna have a table? I'm just gonna sit we're gonna watch tv anyways And by dining room table by dining room table I mean a like six foot folding table from Home Depot with like a tablecloth over it by dining room table I mean a $70 table from Ikea that wasn't unfinished wood right in our apartment. It wasn't a huge loss

Yeah, no, it's so weird guys. I gotta make a confession to you guys. Okay. It's when me and terry got together We had the one bedroom apartment. There was really no kitchen. So we ate in the living room like savages We always kept saying when we move into the next place We gotta have a living and then we moved into the valley and again We had the kitchen And there was living room, but there was really no space like to break it up into a mock dining room One of the best things about this place that we moved into is we have a mock dining room I'm about to tell you guys something we moved in there september 1st

It's the september 1st. I make it a point That we sit at the table mercy says prayers And we eat whether it's breakfast lunch or dinner tonight. We had two side bread hot dogs That's it two side bread hot dogs We went to the baby we went to disney store And we fucked around and then we came home and my wife goes I feel bad. I don't have dinner I go I'll make a protein shake. She goes I got a side bread hot dog for you. They got them now

So she made me two side breads. She cut up some onions with some fucking mustard And even that I said we sat down the mercy said prayers and Then we ate because she goes to the catholic school not a catholic school, but a christian school They don't say our father what now what's the catholic one? Bless us our lord. Well, we are about to eat From your bottom tea from christ our lord. Amen. We don't say that when we say something else They don't do this on the cross, but I do I always dread, you know, that's the way I was raised

For years my mother was a fucking nutcase and she drank and stuff But there was one thing For sure at my home that kept the house together Was except for her she could do whatever the fuck she wanted she talked she'd eat standing up But I was raised to sit down and eat and And it was just me and my mom and my stepdad So I got kind of fucking boring after a while and then things happen and you evolve But even the homes I lived in after that I saw that people weren't respecting that anymore

You know people think i'm a fucking dick Because I don't work on sundays And way before the baby came way before the baby came I hated sundays. I always I liked working comedy sundays But I got to a point when when I met my wife that you left on tuesday and didn't come back till monday morning And I didn't mind being away. I'm trying to make a living. I'm trying to become a better comic But sunday you sit there all day watch football

At this time I could be sitting with my girlfriend. We could be going to the farmers market or just that that's her time, you know So at that point in my life like 2003 I decided that I wasn't gonna work sundays no more No matter what was going on and number two That we were gonna try to have a dinner And sit on sundays because that's the whole thing that I think we're missing right now You know, even my fucked up upbringing on sundays. We'd watch like Animal kingdom and the wide world of disney or and you watch that fucking dude

That used to do this shit on channel abc On sunday nights, you know, it was just white people on the show going like this That music and they would sing quartets and shit But that's what it meant to be an american to me when I came from cube at the time Was to watch those shows that's how I became an american, you know All mutual Omaha was a show about animals on mbc that went on at six and at seven It was fucking wide world of disney. So you on sunday nights, you always sat with your family and watch disney Well, disney don't give a fuck they replaced it with football so the gambling fucking addicts

Could get their fucking fix on sundays, you know, but that's one thing i've done since I moved into this home That we sit now We sit we like every night I go out here daddy Time for dinner if I don't get up immediately Immediately she runs in there daddy time for dinner daddy. How we up? We're gonna eat dinner daddy I just I already know when they're doing it because I don't want to hear it We sit down we look at each other Every once in a while she sticks her finger in the ketchup and licks and they go. Whoa

You got to say fucking prayers. All right She says her prayers and we attack and if I say attacks she gets pissed Like if she says her prayers and I go attack daddy, don't say that no yelling in the house Inside voice daddy. Yeah Oh fucking hysterical. It's important my mom my mom you met my mom last week The the amount of dinners I ate in the living room or the amount of dinners I hate watching tv as a kid Zero we ate every meal

And we always ate at the table every meal my dad worked night sometimes so he wasn't there all the time But we never we we didn't have a tv on that floor My mom hates tv We did have a tv in our kitchen though a little black and white one though Like that wasn't a thing at the time. You know what I'm gonna try the tv We can't watch the tv when we're eating I'm gonna turn it off from now and out of respect As long as we put it back on for 6 30. I gotta watch my fucking day. Oh, you watch it after I'm fucking abc world news tonight

I want to hear that. I want to hear what I call me. Fuck got to tell me, you know Let me give some shout out real quick It was my fucking glasses. God dammit. How you feeling dog? I'm pretty fucking high right now. I like it. I like it. I don't want to give you a fucking I don't want to give you a forgazy product. I want to thank my man Stephen Utsman from Texas Listen to this. Bob LaLingis this motherfucker Sent me a signed hollywood henderson poster. Are you fucking kidding me?

Who are what? The poster is so fucking bad. Bobby LaLingis I gotta get the motherfucker framed. So I thank you LaLingis for dropping two books on me about hollywood henderson And I want to thank my man Stephen Utsman from fucking the the beautiful state of fucking texas. God bless texas cocksucker I will be there friday night Houston at the come and take it festival go to come and take it. I don't know dot com I don't know fucking google it do what you need to do friday night 10 o'clock You can get home from work wash your monkey shave it

Go to fucking carabas get a nice italian dinner and still catch joey At fucking 10 o'clock. How's that for you come and take it comedy.com come and take it comedy.com 35 hours for friday night Past you got Todd Barry at 8 and you got uncle joey at 10 who the fuck That's 1750 a piece. What are you crazy or what? I'm giving you a nickel right off the course Get those tickets right now friday at 10, but he's from the great state. How about jr. Gomez? my man john cutler And his beautiful wife amy lady j Okay, spooky my man bonito reverend raymond

Shet nog hog and inward journey. I love you cocksuckers stay black and thank you for the support in the show and whatnot How you feeling lea? I'm feeling pretty pretty good. I wasn't madly. I made you all nervous when I was You I was doing the finger at that you understand, you know how to torture people. What am I ain't torturing you your family You know how to make my heartbeat when I'm high Make your heart weep when I'm not fucking high. That's that's the secret that What else is going on mickey because you tell me something I haven't heard tell me some gossip Oh, who got hit by a car what happened? Oh, oh, I remember something I wanted to talk to you guys about because the last time or one of the one of the times I was on we

We talked about weddings like in depth and how fucking insane and and out of control weddings are Listen to me before you even started the fucking weddings that day some just so you know Today if you see my face getting red Just down 911 I'll explain to you why Right now i'm in the verge I got a backache in september my brother plenty. I got a backache I never got I got the back of a mexican you understand me You never seen a mexican with a back brace or complain about back pain

They just god gave them a good fucking back. They gotta jump a fence. They gotta gotta you gotta jump a fence You gotta have a good back. Okay So I hurt my back and I swear to god. I think it was thinking about the special Sitting down that long trying to write out the jokes. I've never really sat that long to write that long But the third thing I was getting aggravated about is I love her She's my sister But she's making all these plans for a wedding for me to fly back They go to rehearsal dinner with my family my daughter my wife

And then sad I gotta walk her down the aisle and all this comes out of poppers pocket Like the three plane tickets the fucking hotel the rental car And you're sitting there adding this up. This is new york city. You're gonna new york city You gotta have deep fucking pockets for three days Even though my family enjoys it and she'll enjoy it. My wife doesn't really want to do it Yeah, my wife feels it's too much of a commitment with people where we don't we know her And we know her mother. We don't know anybody else at this wedding. We'll just be sitting there like fucking targets You know, and then we have the baby who gets car sick

They're doing the wedding in garfield. Have you been in garfield? Yes. What the fuck is it? Um, it's nice, right? Yeah, it's pretty nice. It's not uh, it's it's a little bit down the parkway. She's 45 You think she's 21. Okay. So I've always said I have nothing against women There's a there's two things when women are completely You know, you give them a cosby pill That's one way to get them under the fucking ether Or when they're getting married or They're having a baby and I don't mean to disrespect women by no means I have every right to say that I have a beautiful wife

When I saw the changes In her personality and then I started noticing other women's changes When a woman's about to get married or have a child They get fucking delusional. Okay, they get delusional in their own sense with weddings They get really delusional. I mean she was telling me and my wife To our faces last year Now I wouldn't mind if she's 21 and she's my niece right right right. She's 46. She got glass Is this her first marriage? Yeah, okay. She got registered at the cristal place

Come on You're not getting your spursky crystal for my wife. Get her something, bro I'm high. I just get something get her something But you could already see where this is number two I don't have the time to just take three nights off If i'm gonna get on a plane for six hours, I want something out of it to me I'm so used to getting on a plane for six hours, but I get to perform Yeah, I can't just commit to you

Thursday's the church rehearsal Friday's the rehearsal dinner at some fucking restaurant in middle new jersey and then sadly is the The wedding I gotta go to the wedding and the church. Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy? I would never do coke, but if I gotta sit through that for three days by sadly. I'm on something I'm on xanaxes. I'm on fucking something So what happened with your wedding? I just came I came back from new jersey because I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding

And my sister, um, they're young. She was like 26 27. I think I got that. I get it Right. They had just bought a they bought a house. They already own a house together in january So it's like they've been engaged a few years, but uh, yeah, they're they're young um, and this could have been because this uh, uh, you know, my brother-in-law now like his family like They've done big weddings for the daughters. Like this could have really been all out They wanted to keep it kind of small, but still small. It's like a hundred people. You know what? I mean, it's still a huge deal. So yeah, there was a lot of like events like what you're talking about and one of them One of them was like the night of the day of the rehearsal dinner

Um, we we went axe throwing They had a bunch of people go go hatch it throwing it was hatchet throwing at this place Then you go do the rehearsal dinner. It was like such a huge to do But I had to throw the bachelorette party And that's the story I wanted to tell on here I had to throw the bachelorette party in august So I had to go home twice because I also had to do the bridal shower Because i'm the maid of honor my mother really planned most of it

But you know, so I it was me and two other girls in the bridal party and the girls are my brother-in-law sisters So my sister wants to go to Atlantic City She wanted to stay at bergata. I I came home. I go to make a reservation at bergata It's booked So now i'm panicking because i'm not thinking it's august in new in new jersey in atlantic city it on a saturday night So I fucking panic And I think well, I I gotta book the strip club now Because i'm too fucking scared if for god is booked. What else is going to be booked?

So I booked this place called hunk o mania That's a mail review and I because I don't know who's going yet I book it for a vip booth for 12 For 12 girls, but I don't know I don't know how many are gonna deliver for me But I i'm overbooking everything because that one booking was fucked We got a room at resorts that obviously like I hope we can all shove into one After I book all this shit Out of the two bridesmaids basically they flat out both tell me that they're not going to go

and that they're against Mail reviews and strippers as if I like they made it Yes tom's river Yeah, they gotta get it together tom's river. They've been buying it. They've been watching like a dashing is too long I mean and i'm like and to me it's inconceivable because it's like well What do you mean you what do you mean you don't want it like this is one of the one of them said It it's not my thing. It's not your thing

It's it's not your fucking thing. It's my thing. It's my that's lee. That's my thing Hunko mania. I love going to I love watching magic mic. It's a fucking bachelor party. What else am I supposed to do? So only only two of them ended up coming to atlantic city the two other bridesmaids, so i'm paying for fucking 12 I'm gonna be paying for this forever. It was so much. I charged it was so much one of the girls Finally caved and came with us the other one stayed in the hotel room didn't leave the hotel room all night And when we came back from the two-hour show she was like in bed in her pajamas Then the other one got in bed. They ordered room service. They're both younger than me

um, maybe 30 28 they're both married They both have kids young kids and they both My sister for when they were getting married did all their shit And now it's like her turn and and I got the vibe that it was like because they have kids They feel like they can't do like to me. This is so Fucking it's it's corny Like I'm sure you guys have never been to one of these

No, I've never been it's like the movie magic mic. Nothing happens. There's not like dicks out They're not slapping you with dicks. It's it's nothing crazy. It's like a broadway play, but you know, there's speedos involved They rubbed it's so fucking corny. It's so especially especially like Doing things like with the naughty show and like going to go into the avn's for years for me This is like I just want to say do you understand? I judged like a porn star asshole competition and you don't want to go see a guy dance in a fucking bikini like how And and one of them the girl when we left she goes she goes that was the most intense experience of my life And I thought holy fucking shit. That's so sad

That's imagine It's crazy. I've never been it was insane part of any of those things Okay, I left north bergen before any of those things happened in my life I could tell you guys sincerely I don't remember going to a fucking bachelor party. I've been married twice And my bachelor party the first time was me my friend george and my brother-in-law doing an eight ball Watching some fucking video because I had like four days. I knew I didn't have to piss in a bottle for the halfway house And I knew I could let myself go that was my basketball

I didn't even think of women as strippers and I'm a filthy fucking animal, right? But I get the The bond you have especially coming from new jersey. There's six of us We all help out on our weddings and you got married you did this and everybody went now It's a different game. So you want to take your ball and go home, right? Even me who I'm a dickhead like when it comes to that If lee came to me and one of his friends always brother called me and said listen Lee wants to go to a strip club the one in van eyes

You know what from eight to nine it wouldn't kill me Lee wants to see me for 10 minutes and talk to his high school friends Right, I could go in there get a lap dance buy him a lap dance and leave, you know I could do that and I could even handle that I could even handle that one right there Especially if all I gotta do is down the block in Atlantic City If you make me go to Culver City by the airport, I ain't showing right, you know what I'm saying If it's one of those strip clubs, I ain't showing this is like we got we got the room at resorts on the boardwalk Beautiful ocean view room expensive fucking room and you're going down fucking an elevator and walking like a block

To this like theater in Atlantic City where these guys do this bullshit I did I I thought I was doing a corny Wholesome almost like you know like five girls going out. Yeah, let's have some drinks, right? They toast this shit. I'm saying we're one of guys Exactly we get the champagne. Oh my god. We're gonna who brought singles like I think I'm playing the role I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. That's not me. That's not who I am I think I'm I think this is what everybody wants and it's like as soon as I booked that shit The whole thing turned on me and all of a sudden that it was like I was some

Sex-crazed heathen trying to drag the you know, they're they're uh brothers The next day they looked at you all weird and Nobody was really hung on. Yeah, and then what am I supposed to do too? Because the idea too that anyone like I I had to like sneak away and this is in new jersey now I had to sneak away at one point like smoke pot on the street by myself Because I can't even fucking smoke pot in the room because I can already if you're not walking in the mail review I'm not lighting up this fucking joint in this hotel room. No, that's the way it's gonna be That's the way it's gonna be first off. They charge you 250 and that's if somebody doesn't complain

That's what the maid smells it And if they don't complain if they somebody complains then they have to knock on your door I'm worried about the action the the people I'm with complaining like it's so far into Anything that I'm used to being around What is your nuts their conversation how my mom died the anniversary was last week 30 something years It doesn't you know, but Lee and I and his mom went out and it was really interesting to do it, you know You really don't know what you have till you lose it I live now and where would a fuck I live valley village

Leaves 28 years old I haven't doing this I torment them two days a week plus three days a week on the phone then I go on the road I I don't want to take Lee anywhere You know, I love Lee the death legal Lee knows we go to dinners. We have nice times But for me to call leo 11 and go like I know leo going me to new york minute to fucking the burger place And I know leo do a thousand things with me, but Lee rogan Ari guys like that

They I love them daily, but they don't fill the void left By the style of people I grew up within jersey and I was really feeling it the last couple years But every time I go to jersey, it's basically a work situation Like when I fly in Wednesday night Thursday morning, I do opening anthony Thursday night. I do the stand Friday I do Gotham saturday I do Gotham and I'm on the first flight at 6 a.m And either I got to see him at the shows

Which is a three-minute conversation because I got 270 people standing there waiting to take a picture Yeah, and waiting to tell me this story about life and stuff and it started bothering me and then Uh, a guy from our neighborhood called my balsano the cop who shot the guy in the back seven times in self-defense. He died And I and at the wake they took they went to my teacher's bar And they took pictures and these are kids that I know since the sixth grade I like contacted each of them on facebook and I said listen, man I'm gonna fly in but this time on thursday. I'm not gonna understand I'm gonna go to barone's bar our seventh grade teacher's bar

Meet me there and two girls in the sixth grade three girls the four girls in the sixth grade came Uh, a kid from the eighth grade came Another friend of mine from the seventh grade came and mr. Barone the teacher And we just sat there for three hours. Nobody got hammered Nobody didn't you know, they didn't even know about the reefer. I smoke like I'm gonna bring it up I went in there. I have lit, you know But I gotta tell you as simple as that was it made my year Like and I was home by 10 30 quarter to 11

I remember the girls were like at 9 30 like boy, we're getting tired But I know these girls since the sixth Fucking grade then I ended up doing seventh grade I got left back and they got to the eighth grade, but I still remain friends with them So It's like now I want to get more involved in those type of things With my friends like I have a friend who has a band the past masters They they they're a fucking cover band. He's a great kid. I mean I've been hanging out with him since

We were 12. We had a shed behind this house. And we had drums back there and the guitar no hito So in the dead of February you were back there with gloves on and a fucking snorkel And he has he has a band called the past masters And I'm thinking of looking at the schedule or maybe Flying in and just surprised him because he went to my mom's fucking funeral He went to my mom's fucking wake, you know, like that's how long I know him, you know And it's five guys who have day jobs. He's an engineer. Uh, he works at sax Coleman or something like he's one of our financial investors or something Like that

And there's like five guys like that that are well off They have great jobs and they have a band and they play all around jersey and they do springsteen and they do You know some banjo v and you know, whatever the who and whatever they do But every time they have a show close to my hometown a bunch of people whether it's maywood or Shit like that people show up, you know, so it'd be great to see those guys again So that's why I would get pissed at your two friends. Like I would go upstairs and straighten them out like listen ladies Let me talk to you sit down for a second You girls got lady you guys got husbands. You got kids. I got it. You want to be respectful

You got to go down there for 15 minutes You got to put a fucking dress on I got some weed when was the last time you said no, look at you go marijuana. Oh my god. How juvenile I don't give a fuck. That's what you guys need. You need two hits of this weed or a black dick up your ass To loosen you up a little bit. You're married and with a kid We don't want you to go out and get raped and meet a guy. That's not what we're saying But have a good time for 10 fucking minutes 10 minutes go in there giggle. See how cheesy it is. Yeah Look at that guy. He thinks he's older. I'm older than both of them

I've been married longer than both of them. Um, and one of them's married twice Already on their second marriage. So it's kind of like and younger than me. So it's kind of like hey I know you're no angels So let's cut the shit This is all about this isn't about what me what I want or what you want This is about my sister my nice sister who's been so nice to everyone my sister's fucking an angel You have to understand and so is the kid. She's marrying. They're so nice and innocent That's what made it so funny to see her get picked up on the stage by the black guy in the bathing suit

Okay, because she's this dainty little girl and he was winging her around and we're throwing money It's just fun. It's just fun. It's not dirty and it's That's it's a reason to scream and get drunk if you're a girl. God damn it. And we that everyone should have been on board but I had I had been in the strip club since Like 1999 in Canada before 9 11 when I go to Toronto I would go to Blore Street Best strip clubs in the world beside the one I grew up on in jersey with the frozen bananas and shit This one didn't have frozen bananas, but the women were more risque that put that bush in your face

You know I don't know. It just wasn't for me Yeah, that strip clubs weren't for me and it started bothering me like at the company store the body shops down the corner You don't know how many times those guys have gone to the body shop. I'm like new And they're like why what is the problem? I even dated the strip for years When I moved to la I moved here with a stripper And then she danced on lasanaga And then she just went crazy instead of dancing fucking in the valley or whatever

But I wasn't dating her anymore and she still dances once a week and she's a psychiatrist She has a full-time job as a psychiatrist in a some fucking place And then three hours from her house like on every other sunday She goes she has a bunch of regulars. She gives hand jobs Oh, wow She'll fuck you for 200 so she's really in it for the love of the game Like she's she was you know, she grew up in a cult. She had a fucked a leader She cut his toenails and she only think only think happens to you

That shit sticks to you like herpes for the rest of your life So last year I finally broke down Last holiday I went to the comedy store on a sunday night. I had a great set I was driving back and I missed my exit. I kept going on the 170 when I made the right boom There was a strip club and I made a u-turn. I went in. I got a lap dance I didn't get a drink. It was empty The girl was great her boyfriend listened to the podcast. She knew who I was. Oh my god. We talked I tried to ask don't kind of lick your monkey. She said not alone

You know what I'm saying because you want there's a lot of shit you won't do when you go to the strip club Until it's right in front of you when they dance new in front of you that's right here It takes about three seconds that you want to bite that fucking clit All of a sudden you're feeling like trump and you're like I can't do this I've never been the one I like you have never been to a strip Really even walked into one. Even I've been to a female one I wouldn't know what to do with your other strip. I wouldn't know I want to take you to one where you can get your pipe sucked

Really? I don't think they exist anymore. Fuck yeah done by the airport. Do they exist anymore? Yeah, where Eddie Bravo used to work you take those girls upstairs They'll suck your pipe for fucking the deuce the small nickel Well, I knew like the massage parlors existed, but I figured these places might be a little bit more like uh, regulated now No, there's no regulation. It's just you It's the oldest profession Yeah, they start dancing severe it finds a way they get a little freaky you throw 20 out of them a 50 another yard stick What how much am I spending for this bloat?

Here's a fuck make them lick your nuts make them pay for it make them drink the juice of death, you know what I'm saying Now I think she has herpes because she's gonna suck my dick for $170 Well, who gives a fuck if you got herpes? So what you never had herpes before? It's no biggie. You take a couple pills. You drink some harvest juice. That's a big deal. You're back within a week Well, you kid they got new medicine now You get the herb just tell Paula she got to move out for a month Ain't no dick sucking a fucking this month Paula. Why not does I I'm on new medication. I have no erection Oh, my god. Meanwhile, you're leaking. You need a diaper for your little helmet

I don't think herpes just goes away like that. Oh, it's gotta do something. It's gotta go somewhere. You got to do something It goes dormant for a little while. That's what those commercials are about. So you just give paul the herb. That's it Ha She'll never know then just we'll glue a wart to your hand and tell you you got it from a water Throw a toad in the bed. Yeah, when you're finger the one night, you got you got the fucking I can see why like these are terrible plans Festos This is the plan so far like gather a few hundred dollars to get a blowjob at a strip club acquire herpes

Hide it from Paula This isn't a good idea. None of this Seems like I see it too. We lost me I had a disease for a while. I never got it tested We went away after like four years. It just disappeared. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. I used to date this college girl. She was filthy College girls are like kids in daycare. They're filthy Filthy and they got morals like I've never had sex but I give blowjobs. What are you getting at? What are you getting at? What do you mean? You you never gave a I never had sex

But I used to blow my boyfriend in college. What are you talking about? What the fuck you you got morals? You know, it's funny. I I I I used to have that stance for uh, you know, my my first few teen years there I I definitely thought for some reason in my head like blow blowjob doesn't count as sex Um, it's its own as a Catholic Um, no, no, no, I I swear I think it's just as a child of the 90s like as a result of of Lewinsky I really do where it's like, oh, well, this isn't sex. That's the comment that that was the thought of myself and my peers

Blowjobs aren't sex. I could suck a dick. I'm still a virgin And I would I would really think like that where it's like, well, I don't want to I don't want to have sex with so and so But like I would blow them and not think it was the same that would be nice to just hang out There was a certain age where all of a sudden it was like, wait a minute Why do I think it matters what this number like there's going to be this number of people? Like I can't pass a certain number of people I've slept with why I could and honestly It's probably safer to fuck someone with a condom than it is to suck their dick So what am I what am I doing morally?

Uh, the who gives a shit, but that was probably like however you look at the guy After after college, I don't even trust a condom anymore. Do you know that really really? Yeah, I just I don't know I I got really lucky. I was stupid and barely used them like barely almost never. Oh my god See in my head, I wasn't gonna late that much. So it wasn't it wasn't like it was a huge issue, but in my head It's like you I might automatically die Like honestly, I might get pregnant immediately. I would be so terrified. I always I always used condoms all the time I was like crazy. HIV got spread like an 84 when rock Hudson and stuff at an 85 I met a girl

one of the few dates And we had sex like one of those heats of passion I was young. She was young and then she became my fucking wife six years later So I was with her till fucking 90 right 91, right? So I had no No diseases nothing like that And then I met a girl right away when I separated there were college girls And that's I ended up sleeping with her and the roommate and dating both of them and needed the whole thing

And that's why I knew I had something one of those two dirty bitches gave me some From Kansas. I didn't know what it was. It was like leakage and itch No leakage But I wouldn't go to the doctor fuck that I would rub tuna fish juice on and move on And then I met the stripper god knows what diseases she had God knows and with her to the first couple times was just fooling around fingers and assholes and shit

But then we started having sex about that point. Who cares about a condom And I remember giving her a stab in the first time going. I know I'm gonna get something But who am I you know who gives a fuck I deserve something look at me. I'm an animal. Oh my god And I knew I got something from it. I just love how calmly you said fingers and assholes When you're doing blow and champagne, but he ho hummed it. Yeah, he was fingers and assholes You know no big the basics not my asshole and their asshole when I got coked up. I got all evil and then I started doing comedy and you know those first

from 93 to Who knows, you know me and Lee sat outside one night and talked about stupid escapades I couldn't sleep after we went home. It was You know, you ran the fucking road around the country, you know, and So today I'm very lucky, you know, and I'm not even good looking. I can't imagine if I was like a hot feature act Slinging dick after every show. I would just bump into victims getting high, you know The hottest girl would give you a piece of pussy at five in the morning when you're doing coke

I mean it was like Once they go back to the hotel and the friend leaves and it's you and them It's just a matter of time before the clothes come on I don't care how engaged or how married they are if it's five and you still got two grams of blood I'm running against the clocky. I'm giving this chick a stab and she's gonna show me a titties I'm gonna jerk off on the stomach. Something's gonna happen here It's a true life. What do you think Lee say? How you feeling brother? I'm feeling okay. I'm not what do you got? What do you got plans? You got Pismo Beach? When are you leaving?

Late tomorrow night. So why Pismo Beach? What was how is that decision formed? You're gonna laugh. Well, I drove by and it looks really cool. It's really nice but uh We picked it because I picked I picked the hotel because it's within walking distance to a movie theater and some places to eat But it's like right actually we're going to Pismo Beach, but so do you have a beach there? Yeah, but are you close to the beach? Oh, yeah, but I You're not bringing a bikini. I'll bring it but it's it's You can still put a blanket on go to the beach and get some vitamin D

That would help you a little bit. What do you think? What are you gonna do sitting a fucking movie theater all day like a fucking Dracula? While the sun's out like some fucking waiting for somebody coming and shoot you Yeah, let me go. Let's go to the movie theater and see a dumb fucking movie Why you got sunlight and you're at a beach? I'm just you know, I'm just trying to help You know, I love you. There's a butterfly thing and there's a kind of butterfly. I don't know. There's a butterfly garden Okay, that's great. There's a first time to tell them to come back when she gets back that you're ready to rock You eat 10 stars at that. You ain't gonna see no butterfly

You're part of a debt association You don't see you got time for butter. What are you fucking some butterfly dude? What else they got? The first castle, I don't know. What are you doing there? I don't know what they got there, but how'd you get talked into that that's get scratched from the addendum Okay Just call them all and say listen if I went once I meet Henry the 8th, then I'll go to a fucking castle I'm not going to a fucking castle. Oh my god. Okay. All right. Well, there's a drive-in movie theater too Yeah, there you go at night. Yeah, we're gonna do that. Uh

Yeah, I'm right. See that's nice. Yeah, that's why you get some I do it during the daytime, too You can't go to drive in the daytime you retell I know you One worse than the other you have no idea I love him like a brother, but it's it's all over. He's the kiss of death Officially he could fucking step into shit They could be four hot restaurants and one shitty one. He'll pick the shitty one when you get diarrhea People bleed from the uterus

I've never got food boys. No, no, no, no, you never got nothing Cocksucker, have you seen what restaurants they have down there? Yeah. Yeah, I can't split them up I don't know what I don't have to memorize. Yes, you do. You already have your menu planned I know how Lisa that works. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? I know you you listen Last night you stayed in look me in the face cocksucker You and paul got on the computer. No, we didn't army homos that you all sat there and

Watched the restaurants and decided your meals. They have fries or carnitas. Look Good, don't lie clothes, but not not quite Lot no lie. No, I'm not I'm gonna be very honest So, yeah, and we didn't do it yesterday, but we did go on yelp and see what's around the area Yeah, because everyone does that joey not another one just goes around but this is a jew that acts like fucking johnny white bread All right, and what did yelp tell you? I don't have it memorized. Let me check But I know that your world restaurants are off the top of your mind

Let me show you want on yelp to take the advice from fucking strangers Listen to me. No, no, no, no. I'm just you know me. We're just talking it out here. Yeah, sure I'm yelped to find the advice from who do I know and piece my beats, sir You don't need to know nobody you keep your eyes open you look for a rating You look at the people serving. You don't want to go in chinese restaurants. I'm arab serving you You know what I'm saying? You can't have that shit All right That's I have to do a scouting trip

Yeah, you walk around and you're milking piss more beats. There's got to be somebody selling burritos and tacos Yeah, of course. All right, so but what the restaurants in jew and paula picks. All right, but listen to me Uh vicki, you know, I love you. I know this motherfucker like the back of my hand He can't make a move without me being here. I know that she sat him down and him and her In front of the computer like two fucking momos because he should everyone does this not not everybody Not everybody only people like chat And nathan those fucking mooks would do something like that Can I just uh chi big because i'm I I expected him to google

Yelp he did that too. He he actually he pulled up his own personal yelp profile Where there is a list of things saved Because he already picked all these out just like you're saying I didn't think that many is out though That's the one thing he's wrong about because I like to be surprised Yeah, and sometimes I want to pick the rest fucking we're placing town and take the worth from strangers I'm just trying to help you out. I'm just I'm just an organized jew Yeah, you know the organized jew by picking out bad restaurants. I'm bad restaurant and sitting on there all four of us stars All right, read the restaurants to me. All right fruitland. Well, I cost a del sabore to Mexican place

Let me let me go with the big ones actually vantana girl has a thousand reviews four stars Uh steakhouse gibson's for 545 What else is there? Uh Oh, no, that's in that's in chicago one of the chances you take another gibson's to even have the balls to bring One of the chances of you even having The balls to bring up gibson's without getting the back. She likes steak. She's like a one time We didn't want steak and she'll he'll never forget it. We we we we want pizza. What are we talking about?

I'm giving you a free card to go to roost chris Somebody sent us a hundred dollar gift certificate to go to roost chris. You go stop over Give me the card, you know taking a nice steak show of what it is to live like a fucking doctor Okay, you know, he calls me back We both want it wings and pizza. No, we did not have pizza that pizza is pizza. And we are playing bad pizza It's bad pizza. I can see if it's like it's coming from boston frozen my mom You know, no, no, he got pizza. They waited online pizza rev No, it's not pizza. We know where it's from. I'm embarrassed

I'm in fucking virus. I tried I tried You don't think I know all this shit. You don't think I know all this shit I think you're gonna be shocked at the outcome people look at yelp, dude That's why it's like a big the biggest one's ever nobody looks at yelp. No one looks at yelp Only you look at yelp. I take restaurants from yelp and Grubhub and you believe Strangers who don't know dick about food nothing They're worse than you are you that's you like

Yelp service because I don't got time to eat at bad restaurants. Okay I hear about the best we go in there. We conquer it. We leave all the website is two with two like two lines That's all you need. Just listen to what i'm telling you sure listen because you like what do you say to me the one that might taking chances Yeah, you gotta go for the That's good. Yeah, that's great. Don't take a chance by yourself He ended up with roscow's chicken Eat the fucking pigeon and god knows what else You know went up to court 50 yards away. He was from stout. I've been a stout eight times

You've never taken another stout. Yes. I know you have you don't have to go and use to take another stout You want to go heat a shitty burger on lancashim and fucking victory? He found a place that puts big good place Yeah, it's a great place. Yeah, people talk about it all the time. I hear people is aligned in front of the right Where where do you go to talk to people all restaurants? You know me dog I weigh 300 fucking pounds I roam with professionals if they go somewhere good they call right away and go dog I know what you like going there and I take their advice But I would never take the advice of some fucking dude on yelp

Or grub hub We're from the east coast. We know the best We're not gonna take some advice from some fucking gym. I believe in the goodness of people get the one goodness of people They're like you they pay they put fucking pork on french fries like avonji. Yeah, and then they know what I like What I like it's not here. You know what you're like. You're not gonna stop until he poisoned his father Paul a bad shrimp already kimchi at some place. They just walk into a korean place I have people around making bad decisions. I'm not making bad decisions. You're the leader of them You're not a leader because you enhance that they eat dumplings and shitty places

You know, it's constant and I love to death. I love to death with all my heart I just want and I knew did I tell you he went online already? Yeah, of course I did we I was just so shocked to see the profile What the best one you've yelped before I don't write reviews. I have two reviews. You don't write me. Thank god You don't write reviews. I don't write reviews except god. You don't spread your fucking listen talk those two places Would you get mad at let me see the two Oh my god, let's see. I think please read one of these. Oh, should I have three reviews?

One is from denny's because I was angry at them denny's Somebody somebody needs to look that up on yelp. Oh, this is cool. Actually. I have one really good one To help a guy out and I have the zipline guy that fucked me over who ended up closing So they closed up shop. Yeah, they ran out. They closed shop. So that was good denny's They took his money on fucking goop on right him and harvey homo They take up he decides Him and his wife decide hold on. We want to be exotic for the weekend. We're gonna go ziplining

You know lee look at lee that line will go down It's all over you know what I said, why take the chance wait, what was the you wouldn't give me a lee a zipline pass Like that that's like right away. You is there something wrong with you? Lisa do a deuce and a half They put him on a little road Yes, you are that tree is going fucking That tree is going down. No, listen. Listen. He's been telling me for I haven't gained a pound No, I'm gaining like eight pounds a month a month 250. Yes, you didn't get

You didn't gain no eight. Oh my god. Yes. I did. I know you did. Oh my god Somebody even told me that they saw Lee they didn't recognize him. They should They he's getting all chinese looking again. It's all over. They thought he was down forever with a haircut That could be the addables that would make me think I might have a game wait, but festos talk to me Stop fucking going on yelp. All right. I wrote a review to the fucking the upline and then I wrote a review Call me that morning when because listen, I'm the one that bears the brunt of this ladies and gentlemen You're thinking you're fucking sitting there going to leave with joey. Why are you breaking his balls? You know why because I don't bother nobody

I'm sitting there smoking my reefer I got the cat in one hand. I'm looking at the baby. I'm looking at the wife. It's sadly. I'm home I gotta call from this googles Telling me that his girl from bottom group on In fucking you gotta see this shit. You can't believe like there's things I hear from him That I really can't fucking believe like you're living his negative yelp reviews. No, no, no It's not even yelp reviews. I'm living bad Like listen at his age. I was mugging people and doing blow. I was doing prison time. Who am I to judge this poor kid?

But look at him. You don't want to put him on a zipline. He takes all those polls down I've ziplined many times. No, you have not laid a stop In your backyard when you were 82 pounds into the pool So they get the zipline Passed like 65 bucks him and this beautiful girl when they take an hour drive They just can't go to a movie or go find the cat Next time just go to van eyes the bushes and look for a cat that oh no, you can't do You just got poison ivy. Look for a cat. Do something like that. No, they want to drive an hour to some fucking

Line job, I'm sitting at home going this ain't gonna work. This kid's gonna take down the pole He's taking on the pole. I'm gonna gotta call him an hour First of all, and by the way, I was at my height of Dave at this point, by the way I was at the height of going to Dave. I was like probably 230. Listen, please. Why are you boring me with these guys? You can take down any rope. No, but I come on take another one. The limit was 250 Yeah, the limit was 250 he got there. They took one look at johnny bananas and they go listen We can't put him on. Oh my this guy'll take down the fucking pole and then they kept this money Because he put the hat on or something like that. That's not what happened. What happened?

They took your money that they took our money But it's because they they had the cheap system when I went I don't know if anyone else has ever done ziplining But they usually have brakes. So but this one you had to put your hand down and use a hand of brakes All right, this is so what you have to do it This is so what happened tell me so I couldn't do handbrakes in two turns To the level of expertise that this little asshole high schooler Really liked me too. So he canceled me like half the other group So and they said each time like four people get sent back

So it's not it's not it's not like a whole bunch of 250 pound chubby jews going up there. There's regular people They look at you. Oh my god, look at that little fucking dinosaur hand on you And they say it's never gonna work. He ain't gonna be able to stop it 250 coming at you he's five foot two coming at you on that rope, you know on a vertical like that I'm no engineering major But even if even if I did that it wouldn't hit you that much because he's more compact He's more compact. He hits you there's a density to it. Yeah the density to it. He comes down like a boulder at you And it's all over that little midget song and said 250 no hand brakes

No can do you gotta go like john panette cocksucker He calls me on the way home. We got thrown out and they kept our money Sure, I keep your money for being stupid That's what happens Zip line you can't walk around the lake and go fishing You know right here right in van line is gonna fishing pole people like that shit all the time I can't believe that's what it was You don't write a negative yelp review about a zipline place and it's not a great story

No, no if you look at the place ever that's what everyone's complaining about but Yeah, because they were 250 They're eyeing you up So there isn't a scale they're eyeing you up No, there's a scale you get on the scale with all your clothes on and you still have to be under it So it's not like it can be like 249 like oh, I hope not you were 250 Oh my god, I'll just go right now. Let's throw you out of there because you were 238 stop No, I didn't get throwing up baby. I just told you what I was throwing out of there

You were doos and a half and the handbrake didn't work So much worse could have happened and then I'll get y'all that for not doing stuff. So what am I supposed to do? What not doing stuff you're 28 years old, right? I call you and you tell me you just watch eight episodes of orange black and red Sure, I get agitated. There's a thousand things you could do anything Park but he always picks the bad things My only baseball game two hours from it. That's fun. It's surrounded by chargers about that. They almost stabbed him in the neck I live in the house hours. I can do a documentary about this momo every week is escapades If it's like my only beach, I know every week. I think last time I was on you you had just went to a crepe cooking class

No, no, no, it's never ends It never ends And I asked them why you're gonna agree oh because I'm we're gonna cook crepes Never that I ever get a crepe never have you you dig a crepe and then you melt them. I got the crepe What was the other cooking class you went to to learn how to cook steak and that was good Yeah, I see how many steaks I get brought to the fucking office. What was the other class? Dumbling. Yeah Dumplings you're gonna make you too. That one was a waste of time. No shit

ismo Plus the trip to the fucking line gate up there Fucking yelp in restaurants. I think I knew he did that I knew that so does everyone for to sit there and they're looking it together I know that's just what he does. This is unbelievable I'm not trying to put him down for this I'm trying to help him on nobody in america unless you fucking walk around with a backpack And you believe in fucking dungeons and dragons

Nobody sits there with his girlfriend and we go, that's the out restaurants And see what's in the area. This is fucking crazy. It's like yeah, it's like someone I never go to mcdonald's and I sell 99 million burgers everyone everyone hates on yelp, but 992 because you don't go there no more. Huh? 992 because you don't go there no more. I know I used to go there all the time. They miss me They write me letters all the time. They got a new big mac you thinking about it What is it like three three meats? What is it? Is it just bigger? Yeah I was never much. I I got into big macs at the end for variety, but I was never much of a big mac person

What's the no mcdonald's for just because it's trying to be fucking bad for you. Yeah I miss it though. I haven't had a wendy's in over a year and I'm That was your favorite wendy's. Oh, yeah You're a lucky dude, brother. You're taking care of yourself a little step by step. I know you crave it I know you'll cave this weekend. I need some fucking malaki down there and pismo beach You always do Well, you go down there with a plan I could have the best chef in america come here right now and go you're gonna go to this taco stand

You're gonna go this little breakfast place is not expensive and you go this place for dinner. He will fuck all three of those up He will fuck him up He'll get talked into Thai food for lunch and there's a snake in his soup There's always something there's always something you have no idea Every time he tells me he's going on vacation now. I gotta worry all weekend I gotta worry because something america the what no, no, no, it don't matter It don't matter. I can't wait to hear monday the rash on your head. It's always something. There's no rash The guy took your money the the the crepes

There's always something there's always something my life is fucking tremendous I have a great life because I I just sit there. He entertains. He doesn't even know You're down the block from stout and the best pizza around here unless you have to go back east He ends up in rascals waffles and chicken He gets back in the fucking car and goes to raffles waffles and chicken On gawa on friday fucking night Which I'd rather get shot in the goddamn fucking head that go on gawa on friday night And I'll tell you why I don't go to rascals and chicken there. I've been to rascals and chicken. It was very delicious

It's a fucking um, uh, whatever the fuck it is. Wilshire. It's an olympic pico pico's rascals And when I went there I went there with black dudes. So I got treated with respect. Okay I'm not gonna walk in there with jew larou over here And you know, that's the last guy. They want to see the black joint a fucking jew in a mexican or the black joint They gave him the chicken from the fucking street They gave the chicken that they were gonna throw out they go give it to these two fucking mimooks in there This little ju ju ju ju guy just came in here next time you go to a black place You got to go in there with a black personally

That's rule number one not a mexican black blacker than black afro a picking his hair That's how you get good service as a fucking just for the service. That's all that's it because now they can't fuck with you They got to give you the good shit. You follow me rule number one or go to pico rule number two Don't ever go to that fucking place because there's a Thai place. So while you're eating chicken, you got to smell curry I don't fuck. I don't mix both countries. You know I don't do it. I won't do it. I've been invited to eat there. They wanted to take me there for a pitch meeting I refused to go in. I don't like to smell a curry at no level. I don't like Thai food. I don't trust them I'm a chinese dude. Chinese people here first. I've said it a thousand times

I ate sushi. It took me 30 years to eat sushi. Yeah, yummy too. I don't eat Vietnamese food I don't eat Thai food. I don't eat no one done food nothing I run with the chinese the japanese And that's it cock suck is everybody else got to stand online and make me a nice menu I've eaten with the filipinos. I had to pigeon one time whatever Whatever it's high in protein. What the fuck do I know? What would you do if uh, if a Thai place moved next to your, uh, uh dry cleaning I would move the fuck

I just don't like the smell of curry I don't know if it's Thai. I shouldn't insult the Thai people. I'm very sorry I do not like the smell of any curry whatsoever. You understand me. Lisa. Yeah, give me get the paperwork. How many times I gotta He's looking around the room So you're leaving tomorrow night. What time? Probably around eight o'clock. Thank god How far is chiseled beach two and a half two and a half? Where is this?

About half an hour north of uh, Santa Barbara. It's where? Half an hour to 40 minutes north of Santa Barbara. Okay, so it's that way. Oh, very nice. Look at you Fucking Lee is making progress in the world. I like him. I love Lisa He's always having a good fucking time. All right. Let me tell you something for the last month Uh, why am I lying to you people the last three weeks? I have been drinking This hint crisp apple water infused with crisp apple They sent me a box had five different flavors that had the raspberry You know, I don't remember all the rest of the flavors, but I will tell you something to taste his magnificent

There's none left in my refrigerator. Okay, not not one Not even Not even one So we enjoyed them. All right now you should drink eight glasses of water a day But who really does coffee soda energy drinks? Why don't you just drink more water because it's bland you want something with that taste good You ever want to eat a sandwich? You can't eat a sandwich with fucking soda. How can you eat a fucking? mortadelle

With with american cheese and a piece of salami and some lettuce with some vinegar on how you're gonna drink that shit with water But I'll tell you what with a nice sandwich with a nice little crisp apple water. It's not that bad That's why you should try hitting water. All right hitting water was started by Karen golden A few years ago after having a four child She was overweight and terrible acne and overall felt awful. She was drinking ten died So it was a day instead of drinking water because water is boring But water other options are there. What other options are there? Juices full of calories and the no calorie drinks are garbage

That's why she started hitting water hit is pure water infused with a taste of fresh fruit that tastes delicious Whether it's the mango peach mango Uh grapefruit or watermelon and many more. It's got no sugar. No chemicals. Just great tasting all natural Fruit flavored water both health and self magazines have named hint Water the best flavored water and they know how important drinking water is to your health. All right, so do me a favor You don't have to carry these cases of water back in the store You can have it delivered right to your door. What we're going to do is this right now I'm going to give you a single variety pack ship directly to your door

Including three bottles of each of hints for most popular flavors Pineapple watermelon crisp apple and blackberry. It's normally 24 dollars We're going to do it for 15 dollars at drink hint dot com slash church again I'm going to save you nine dollars. This water is tremendous. Drink hint dot com slash church again That's drink hint dot com slash church H i and d Drink hint dot com slash church. Give me the try you save nine dollars and it gets shipped Directly to your door now. We've talked about this topic before

And we're going to talk about it again the holly the holidays are coming You're sitting there. What am I going to get for this guy? What am I going to get for that guy? Listen? I got the perfect gift for you, right? Did I tell you that bidet's are back? Oh, shit. You're sitting there going joey. What's a bidet a bidet is this little fucking thing That snaps on what i'm selling you is this bidet is a thing next to your toilet That you sit on and you put the water temperature and you sit on it cleans your muffler And you wipe it one time with a towel and your back in action. You understand me

What we got today is a bidet cost thousands of dollars But what I got for you is hello tushy dot com. Listen to me. They're portable bidets It's a device that sprays your butt clean with water Like I said, I grew up with a bidet after my mom died. I didn't know how much it meant to me Ever since I've got my hello tushy dot com bidet My asshole is tremendous right now. You understand me? Thanks to tushy sleep bidet that clips on to your existing toilet. Listen to me it clips on To your existing fucking toilet and it sprays your muffler

Completely clean with fresh water. Think about it. You're sitting there. You close your eyes. You smoke a joint It's like somebody's spitting in the asshole. You could take this anywhere. You understand me Who needs calgon? Who needs jillian barberry with a fucking that thing she's selling that fucking uh, The the the the fucking what do you call it elliptical machine where you can press on a screen And you could be running through australia. Fuck you. I got a portable bidet, bitch That water's hitting your asshole. He just closed your eyes and next thing, you know, you're a genie jack You're floating. You understand me and I'll tell you what it's tremendous for you It clips on to your existing toilet and it sprays your muffler clean with nice water

So you're not sitting on bacteria which causes hemorrhoids Yeast infections and just plain old rotten ass. All right The days are better for the environment because they they they there's no fucking paper So if there's no toilet paper, they save trees. All right, it takes one pint of water to wash your muffler. Think about it. Listen Tushy stands behind that product with a 60 day Guarantee and the most guaranteed they'll give you is you're gonna enjoy it. Like I said, you're sitting there going What am I gonna get my sister for christmas? What am I gonna get my uncle for christmas?

Both of them got fat asses sit there next time you're at a party stare at their pants Look at their ass and imagine What that fucking muffler smells like you ever have one of those ass that comes over and you like it She always gives you 20 hours at christmas, but you know her fucking asshole stinks. She's on disability She eats peanut butter all day. She don't exercise. She don't drink water Give that bitch hello to she dot com for christmas. It makes a terrific Stocking stuffer. Do you understand me motherfuckers? You think I'd be here telling you this this is the best christmas gift You can give anybody they will fucking send you shit every year joey. Thank you

You sent me you saved my life. I'm not bored anymore. I'm not on social media I'm not hanging out with my friends. I don't go bowling no more What do you do? I just take shits and sit on the toilet for an hour after that and spray hot water in my ass and dream Of exotic locales. Thank you for saving my life. I've already had three people that have brought me fucking boxes Hello, doucheies to the shows taking pictures and said joey. You've changed my life. You're like joel osteen You're like the bidet will change your life. All right. I don't give a fuck what you do for the holidays This is the best gift you can give somebody go to hello to she dot com right now

Slash church spell it lee ch you are ch boom and get 10 percent off your order Deliver to your door. All right. You know, I love you cocksuckers with all my heart also Like I asked you always, you know, I love you motherfuckers. Do me a favor December 8 my special comes up. I need for you to download my special It's ciso tv.com. They've got other entertainment great comedy channel. They're fucking tremendous I need your help. I need for you to go to ciso tv.com What is it? I think I think it's just ciso.com. It's all ciso.com Impressing joey. Bam. You're gonna get two months description for free. It's usually 398 389 398. Don't matter

It's fucking gratis So if you're going on there now you got stand home and I come on December 8 and I promise you're gonna love the fucking new special All right, do me this favor even if you just get it and watch the first fucking 10 minutes You make me fucking happier. I don't ask you for months. I ask you for donations Do I ask you for fucking episode money? Do it? No, you know, we're tight. You and I are fucking tight You you're my people. So do me that favor, right? ciso Here lee it's right on fucking here, right? Say cuz yeah, call out specific

All right, what I'm gonna do is right now my listeners can try ciso for free two months when you use the promo word Joey so go to ciso.com right now and sign up for two months free with the promo word Joey a check on all right. Do me this favor. They got great. They got great shows on there. Chelsea paredi special Kumanji nonjani run punches. They got paul f tomkins on there. I mean listen, it's a great channel Do me the solid again. I want to thank my girl vicky motherfucking peasant for coming in I also want to thank hint water. I want to thank Hello tushy.com. You know, I love you. I want to thank ciso for putting my special on again ciso The code word is joey and as always listen if it wasn't for alpha brain

I couldn't do a fucking podcast on monday. They take the jet lag right away. You know takes a cammy during the week Uh, hemp force protein. That's what takes cammy. You don't have to believe me. Give it a shot Go to honor.com and press in church ch u r ch And get 10 off the vig deliver to your door one of the best products out there The alpha brain don't work you get 100 money back guarantee again. I want to thank hint water I want to thank hello tushy.com I want to thank product and I want to thank my people over at ciso for taking care of me

I want to take care take take care of you by giving you the free special All right, I want to thank vicky pezza looking beautiful with a long hairdo for the wedding And I want to thank my man lee who is stoned to the gill again Again, he's sitting there not even knowing what fucking planet he is But you know what? He's my brother lee. You don't need to know what planet he is. Who gives a foot? What are you gonna say lee? Stone but not that stone. No, I know everybody just sits up and looks up at the sty Fucking that's one time. He came back with a sty

One time he went on vacation. He came back with two styles one of each eye And then it wouldn't go away. It would come back It kept coming back his grandmother his mother-in-law wanted to burn candles in his eyes Like mexican witchcraft. He wouldn't let her know she told him when the sty came back because he's the fucking, you know This is right. I live with ladies and gentlemen four years of emerson I try to help him but he's on yelp getting suggestions She wanted to burn jalapenos and put that on my eyelids. So yeah, that's even crazier. Yeah, but he gets rid of the sty It lasted him a month. He walked around like somebody poked him in the eye

He had a little hemorrhoids sticking out of his eye It didn't squirt it always happens right before I see him And like it like it can it can't not happen like it happened once in vegas With him I've lived for 28 years never once had a sty I think i'm gonna be stress-induced Now he's gonna go chrysmo beats something doesn't happen. They're gonna run the bicycle I've already I've in the in the cause the case of this podcast gone

At least one food recommendation for pismo beach. Okay, so believe them before you believe yelp and you'd make me happy What's the food recommendation? Let's see Is it a hummus joint? No, I don't think I think I think it's a fish joint because it's a lot of seafood There you go. There you go, but you don't eat fast because I I eat shrimp. It's got nucleus in it and splash cafe Oh, shit. What what kind of fish do you eat? You don't like a piece of halibut with some french fries, maybe A little coleslaw. If I'm gonna eat fish, I like halibut. Okay, because it really doesn't really taste much

Swordfish is pretty good If they marinate it well, well, I wish you have a nice time. You deserve it You were far last weekend with your uncle joey. It's for her. It's for her because Why is she one of the results friday? So the bad news or the good news is friday. Yeah, she's gonna get good news. Oh, yeah, she'll be fine. Yes Oh, cool. Yeah, they have they have chowder. They have Uh, shrimp and chips. I guess listen to me Ricky Pazza, he will not eat there. I will do it here. He will not eat there. I want you guaranteed

Guaranteed he'll walk right past it. The boss will say I don't want to go there. I don't like the boss Monday morning I'm checking in. Yeah, he won't eat there. I want to know I'm on tweet. I'm on tweet a meal from right now Yeah, he'll go by himself He'll fucking give her a cosby pill and when she's sleeping, he'll run over there Eat and run back. Oh honey, you must have passed out. I must have been the son He won't go there little it's good. Let's go walk in front of that. I'll look at the menu It should go a little festos We can't eat

Throw you off the pier here I'm gonna invite you here for my wedding and throw you off the pier. I ain't going to your fucking wedding cocksuck Yes, you are. I'm gonna be like this. I'm gonna be like fucking vicky pezzas. I'm gonna tell you Yeah, yeah, yeah the last minute tell you my thing. Yeah, it's too fucking far. Go fuck yourself I'm gonna sit there with jews and mexicans. I would never do something like that I would never do something like that. I get shot in the fucking head. They would come right from israel And shoot me right in the fucking head Who's that? That's like a nazi movie jews in israel and mexicans sitting in one room

What do you think what do you think's gonna happen? What do you think's gonna happen? Something in your family's gonna get stabbed That's what's gonna happen some raider cousins gonna come in You're gonna put on fucking ice cube. He wants iced tea And next thing you know, there's a jubilee in the room. That's all you're fucking me. You know what I'm saying? It's gonna be pretty funny to see that All right, good. Keep fucking fantasizing fucko. That's what he wants. He wants damage and shit Just just let him move. I don't want to fight just let him move in for now Just get there takes you 10 or 11 years to get it together. You really don't want a roommate anyway watch

He's in the pro out within six months of pro Once football season she starts fucking with his world This little dude likes to be alone. He don't get it But he's a fucking harvey homo. He invites him to move and move in. He doesn't know the mistake. He talked himself into You cut that out Have a great weekend guys. Thank you very much. We'll be back sunday night. You have a podcast monday morning. Listen like I said This fucking friday, houston, texas But next wednesday the irvine improv the night before thanksgiving hate o'clock myself steeps to moan and lisa

The church of what's happening now was presented by on it This show is also brought to you by hand water Go to drink hint dot com slash church right now to get a variety pack of their most popular flavors That normally retails for 24 for only 15 dollars and you do that at drink hint dot com slash church That's all This show is all The days are back Hello to she makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water

Go to hello to she dot com right now Slash church hell to she dot com slash. I don't be there. I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Stay black That was a star. Oh my god, hilarious. Oh my god, my face hurt I was like Here you go That is my Aaron house For the bolt ahead the phone

Come I'm falling down a spiral, destination unknown Level class messenger, all alone Can't get no connection, can't get through, where are you? Well, the night is heavy on his guilty mind This far from the borderline When the headman comes, he knows him well He hasn't cheated, and he says

Tell my stuff and it's in his white eyes This isn't a madhouse, it feels like he's gone My beatings and blues on the moon and the stars And though I'm at a door to the box You walk on the door, when a bullet hits the bone So you walk on the door, when a bullet hits the bone When a bullet hits the bone When a bullet hits the bone

When a bullet hits the bone When a bullet hits the bone When a bullet hits the bone Music Tell my stuff and it's in his white eyes This isn't a madhouse, it feels like he's gone My beatings and blues on the moon and the stars And though I'm at a door to the box

You walk on the door, when a bullet hits the bone Tell my stuff and it's in his white eyes This isn't a madhouse, it feels like he's gone My beatings and blues on the moon and the stars And though I'm at a door to the box You walk on the door, when a bullet hits the bone You walk on the door, when a bullet hits the bone When a bullet hits the bone

When a bullet hits the bone When a bullet hits the bone Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,