Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #432 - George Perez

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

George Perez, Comedian and actor, seen on the Joe Rogan Experience and MTV''s, "Yo Mama", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Indochino - Go to Indochino.com and use code "church" at checkout to get any premium suit for only $389 (thats 50% off the regular price for a made-to-measure premium suit) and shipping is free.  Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and get a $500 new driver bonus. Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 11/20/2016.  

This show is presented by Onit. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Indochino. That's Indochino. Our listeners get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 at Indochino.com when you enter promo code church and check out that's a 50% off the regular price for a made to measure premium suit and shipping is free, Indochino.com slash church. It's Indochino.com enter promo code church. So it's also brought to you by Lyft.

Whatever your reason is, everyone needs to make a little bit more money and the best way to do it is driving for Lyft. The ride sharing app that lets you be your own boss, pick your own hours and earn up to $1500 a week by driving your own car. Go to lyft.com slash joey today so you can start making money and earn a $500 new driver bonus. Go to lyft.com slash joey today. Kick that mule, Lee.

It's Monday motherfucking morning. Here you go, it's turkey week cocksuckers, get the gun, tell the pilgrim you're showing up with a bigger dick than him, you're sitting at the head of the table cocksuckers. Church, what's happening now, Monday the 21st, we're here cocksuckers, here you go. Taking it back deep into the murky waters of Kuala Lumpur. This is Cosby's favorite song, ready. This was his anthem and shit. He showed up with a box of goodies, putting a big smile on his face.

Yeah, let your shoulders bounce cocksuckers, you're at the light, sitting there like a moot, looking around, let it hit you. Bam, bam. Way to Lee, get this motherfucking, kick that mule, Lee, kick it, you ain't fucking around no more, it's November cocksuckers, the devil is dead, we killed that fucker, hit it, Lee. Oh shit, what's happening, you bad motherfuckers, it's a beautiful day to be alive, November 21st, I got my main man, George Perez in the house, my main man, Lee Syat in the fucking house, I want to thank the people of Houston, Texas and the Come and Take It Festival, you

guys showed up in a fucking tent in the rain like savages out there and you liked that little trick I pulled with the fucking smoke before the show, I went when the windiest place was I opened up the curtain and I smoked a number in front of there and the people I went with came up to me after, people going, oh my God, he's close by, I could smell the reef, I was shocking, because bro, whenever you go on stage, it's like when you go to a concert, you're standing there waiting for the band to go up, even if it's a warm-up band and all of a sudden you're uncertain, even though if you're high and you had a drink or two, but once you smell the marijuana, you know you're at the right place, am I lying to you?

No, no, I've been there, I like to smoke blunts a lot before mine. Sure, but let everybody get the air, it's like the whole room gets cleansed, the spirits, the bad spirits go away, this is the case of bad comic leaves bad spirits in that motherfucker. I want to congratulate Paula for passing her bar, it's very tough to pass on the first time, a Mexican woman making ways for herself, you understand me? She studied all summer, she totally no sucky sucky, passed the bar exam and shit, that's the only bar I want. It was worth it, apparently like only 57% of people failed, so over half failed this time, it's usually close to 50-50. What's the plan now?

Now the plan is her to look for, she's been working, but it's been not pro bono, but like stuff like so she can help around the office, she wasn't really a lawyer, but now she can start doing like go to a law firm and it's pretty crazy. Like she has to do like community service first or like those probation hours? It wasn't really community, she was getting paid, but it was like it's like a group that helps with mental health issues, it's not a state thing, but then the school, it's something weird, it's something that the school does. How old is Paula now? 26, 26. So now you go work for the prosecutor's office, you look up shit for a year, you look up different fucking statutes and shit,

and then you move up one and now you're in there talking with them in the circle, they let the Mexican girl come in here, you know what I'm saying? Like you gotta earn that chair, it's tough enough being a woman, it might mean a woman of color in that fucking firm, you have to have a certain attitude, those women to make it have to have, you ever watched Law and Order? Whenever it's a black attorney, they don't fuck around, they can't fuck around, and they'll put La Miga on you right away, don't say a fucking word about black people, I'll put fucking ACLU on you motherfucker, so it's really, it's a great thing to see, you know, like Paula did, so it's five years around the court system, prosecuting, getting to

meet judges, clerks, they're the ones who run shit. Yeah, that's an insight. Remember the clerks run shit, okay? Oh yeah. When you go to court, if you got a badass attorney, that motherfucker will get you on the docket, you give them that retainer, watch that motherfucker go to work, well they said I can't go to court for 72 hours, no I'm gonna get you on the docket this morning, let me call my assistant, put them on the thing at 9-0-1, I want them out of here by lunchtime, you know, I'm gonna set a bail, look if they're gonna go for 25,000, I'm gonna talk to the clerk, I play golf with the judge, I'll tell the judge that you're a good kid, you don't have nothing else, nothing you need to hide, right, they always ask you, right? No, I've been there, you need to hide,

let me go in there, the bail is this, they howl you for a fucking ankle, and there you are, you just don't learn that how to fucking law school, that's a hustle, you know, the best attorneys I've ever dealt with were the ones that did blow, were the ones that were kind of crazy because they walked the side of the fence, when you have a tight stick up your ass, like the guy that represented me for the kidnapping, he was brilliant, how much was the retainer on that, that's a lot of fucking money, it was 10, damn this is in the 70s, this is 88, it was a 29th anniversary, it was the 10th, it was the 29th anniversary on Friday, I celebrated every year, I call them and leave them a message, you called me back three days

later, I have it. Oh man, yeah, I remember, I guess I got an sentencing attorney, this attorney's now just for sentencing, where they're like, hey, we'll make sure you get the less sentencing, and I did, he got the great bodily injury enhancement kicked off, and that's three years, I gave him 10 Gs as well, hey, you know what, you can pay your way out of those years. I gave him 10 up front, five before I got sentenced, and 2,500 when I got out to do all the community corrections paperwork and all that shit, but this guy worked a miracle because first off, he fought to get the non-violent, he fought real hard to get the violent thing off, he goes, if I can't get any violence, so he went through my police record, there was one thing

when I was a kid that I actually went to court for. And how old were you? 18, I was 19, disappeared, disappeared. Thank God for not burning New Jersey where I grew up at. The real just disappeared. Okay, so that was number one, then he got a private investigator to go back to Jersey and investigate everything. I had to pay that motherfucker too, like 10. That's the real killer is the investigator, because the investigator comes back with paperwork, and then he went and convinced him not to hit me with a violent crime of violence, because when you do a crime of violence, if you get nine years, you do eight and a half. Yeah, it's 85%. It's 85%. So he goes, no, let's get that switch. So he got me second-degree

burglary, accessory to a felony, and there was something else. Probably something else. What else did I get convicted of? Two of them. No, no, because I had two felonies, whatever, was second-degree burglary, an accessory to a felony. Oh, yes. That's, and that was the one that held me up a little bit. So as soon as I got sentenced, I got four years, but two days right in the system, they tell you, come here, you're not violent. Yeah, you're done. The house bill 1200. House bill 1200 cuts that sentence right in half. So 48 months becomes 24, and you're eligible for a halfway house at 18. You don't get to go to the halfway house till 16 months. So basically, I did a month in county, which counts for two. Yeah, those are double credits.

So I had 22 months to do. Right off the bat, first day, as soon as I got sentenced, he filed a motion, reconsideration 120 days. So no matter what, I was okay. I had vacations. Even if the reconsideration failed, he would, so I went to work. I started writing the attorney letters. I started writing the judge letters. I'm at Canyon City. I just did this. I wrote that motherfucking judge letter every week. I was in jail though. Wow. That turns their life around. Did they ever write you back? Yes, they do. Yes. And then he not only wrote me back, but when I went to court for reconsideration, he spoke to me and he spoke to me like a human being. And he said, listen, man, those letters meant the world handwritten letters every Friday

night. He got them by Tuesday. Yeah, it was the effort that you said. And it was like every three weeks, he'd write me a letter and say, thank you very much. I see that you're trying really hard, you know, I could, so I could see the, I remember the one letter he wrote that he could see. I was trying real hard, but that I didn't address the main situation, which was coming to terms of what I had done. That's why you're sitting in that fucking barracks right now. And I accepted it. What are you going to do? You got to write, right? In other words, you got to write letters, cock suckers. Yeah, fuck. And you know what's crazy is what you just said, I didn't know until this last case I took, because the judge was like, I'm going to give you three years, half time.

I go to, I go to prison and then, you know, you got to see a counselor there. Your counselor breaks you down and she was like, no, you're doing 85%. So I wrote the judge and I said, hey man, check this out. You told me this. They're telling me this. He wrote me back. He goes, hey man, sorry about what I said, but you're with them now. And that was it. I did my time. But he wrote you back. Yeah. He wrote me back and it was like a classy ass letter. Did you ever write him back and tell him, thank you, you should write him back? Yes, I did. Hell yeah. Because they always write those people back. It's so weird how, and then when they released me, I took a couple of months off. I started fucking up

in the halfway house and I still wrote them letters once a month. I just didn't mention the damage I was doing at the halfway house because for the probation violations, they would never bring me in front of him. They brought me to a different judge, like this lower class judge. So I didn't really mention it. I just talked about my job and I was trying to get back into CU and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then something happened. Something fucking happened. When I got out of the system, I wrote him a letter. When I got married, I wrote him a letter. Oh, I know I kept writing this dude letters, dog. Fuck yeah. Super pen pal. But at the halfway house, like I heard those are like prison parties.

Like my friend's time like, dog, you live in a bunk. It's you and your friend. And it's like, say a room like this would be a bunk of what, six people? Yeah. Is it seven? Seven in a two bedroom apartment or three in a one bedroom apartment in Boulder on Canyon Boulevard. This is, you know, I don't know if it's Canyon. I might be right. It probably is wrong. I'm thinking of Laurel Canyon and it was an apartment building. I know Laurel Canyon. Okay. No, no, this isn't Laurel Canyon. This is Boulder. It was an apartment building that the, it's a business and people really need to understand that prisons are a business. Yes. Halfway houses are a business. So there was a group of people, three or four people that were the owners and they had LCTC and BCTC

and they also had Boulder County Correctional Treatment Center and Longmont Treatment Center. And what you did was it was a halfway house. So they rented the apartment buildings, right? They bought the buildings to the property, then they got the state to fund them, to fund them and pay for the apartments. But guess what? They charge you. Not a lot. They don't make you 75 bucks a week. Yeah. Cause you have to get a job and like, I guess you're not allowed out till you get a job. You're allowed out to get a job. Okay. You're allowed out. Like if you don't have a job, you're allowed out from nine to 12 and you have three hours to list the places you went to, how you got there, show them the, but now you got to show them. Now you're dead. If you're not,

if you're in the system right now, you're dead because if you're in a halfway house, I can't even imagine how they program. Yeah. They got your social media. Well, actually, I do know how they do it. How they program it. Because I remember I used to do a, before all this comedy shit, I used to be a telemarketer. I was that guy that would call you and try to sell you time sharing shit like, Hey, I'm calling for Pacific Monarch. You're one of the most thing. And they had those people doing telemarketing. They were like, Oh, like we live in this halfway house. Like the company, they were in together. They were like, just give us all these people. We need them to make calls and we'll give them minimum wage and you guys can take your

cut. It's fucking super business. It's a business. This place, it was 75 bucks a week, but you got food, like your own food, nothing healthy. Frozen pizza, TV dinners, bread, really cheap ass salami and ham, really bad cheese. What kind of, what area of town was it in? I was just imagining. It was in a pretty decent part of Boulder. And were people freaking out? Were people like, look at you as you were coming in and out of it? They had a back entrance. They had like a glass window and you walked in, they had a buzz you in. And then there was a bathroom right there. Because if you opened up your folder to sign in, if there was a red dot on your folder, you had a pee. You had three hours to pee. What people don't understand is there's some people who could do

time and get it over. I could do the time and get it over. Can I do 10 years? No. Can I do 15 years? I don't think so. But to get like a short time, a short sentence, three, four years, two years, you could do that. A lot of people cannot make the adjustment to a halfway house because they're complete. It's harder. Different type of rules. Like I remember they were taking one person a day out of there. Yeah. And they didn't do anything bad. They were somewhere they weren't supposed to be like a girlfriend's house. They were caught driving, you know, little infractions. They would send you back. I've been very lucky. I don't, I haven't had any issues. I've heard probation is us like a fucking son of a bitch. Depends what type of probation? Formal, informal. Depends. There's

levels for what you do. If I say, listen, if you're a fucking junkie and I go, you listen, you're going to come in here once a month. I'm going to get a piece of your hair. You're dead. You got two years. You're pretty much dead. You're going to slip straight up with the hair. You're going to slip. Listen, you have to leave and we've spoken about this years ago. That you have to, when you're on probation and I did it, guys, I did it. I did 14 months on probation and knock on wood because I was put on probation from. Was it informal or formal? You had to check in, right? Oh fuck yeah. Yeah. And I had to call the color on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. And if your color comes up, you got three hours to show up or they put a warrant

out for your arrest. Then I got out of the halfway house and I was on probation till 1991 and my probation was till 94 guys. So what were the rules of your probation? My rules of my probation at this time, once I got out of county corrections, community corrections, there was three different levels. There was the prison system. Okay. Then there's community corrections, work release. Okay. And then there's probation. Okay. So I was put on probation. At that time, I didn't have to piss. I had to write a letter, pay a fee, $23 a month or something. And it was pretty easy. Once I went on probation, I didn't really get my problem. It was all over after that. Could you smoke weed? They didn't piss me. My attorney made it clear. That's it. He made

it clear. No more. He's not in. He paid his dues. That's it. So I had no piss. I was working at the car wash. I was stealing. I was feeding my family and one day I bumped into this DA. I had known him for months and I asked him what he did. He told me, I go, I'm on probation. He asked me for what I don't. He goes, when I go back to my office, I take a look at it. And about a week later, he goes, listen, have your attorney file a motion. I'll get you all probation. Yeah. Dude, parole is worse. Parole is worse. That's when they come to your house. Unannounced. Yes. And like, it's like their mission to be like, Hey, I'm going to try to get you. They tell you, I'm going to try to get you, dog. Look at the UFC now. Right. If you're in the UFC with

Yusada, you have to zone in and tell them where you're going to be at all times. What do you mean? Yusada shows up in your house, dog. Is that, is that the people that chest for like the blood? Can you imagine you had a fucking at the comedy store about to go on stage and these motherfuckers show up for a blood test. I'm done. I'm done. I got to quit. I can't handle that shit. There's tapes of everybody. I'm the guy going into the shower with Tim Kennedy. Oh, yeah. Came home sweaty. I want a piss test. Can I go in the shower? You can't leave my eyesight. Yeah. They walked in the shower with him while Tim Kennedy was in there washing with the curtain open. And then there was the fuck another incident. Somebody else saw Nick Diaz. They went to that

motherfucking crazy man's house at six. They told him go fuck himself. He's going to sleep. It's crazy. I can't live on that no more. Unless you've done that type of living. At first I adjusted to the community corrections. Those motherfuckers would come to my house once a month. Would they knock or like did they have the power to raid your house? No, they come and knock. I'm in, look around, talk to my wife, talk to me a little bit, go in my office, sit with me. Let's go upstairs to your bedroom. Where's your office? Let me look at your desk. They had the power to open up your desk or something. I don't know what it was. They didn't have the power to open anything up, but if they smelled or saw anything suspicious,

yes, that's exactly it. They can make a, and I remember one time me and two of my buddies, like I went to, I got my attorney, I gave my attorney like a grand and they go go in there and tell him I'm going to fucking San Francisco for five days. And this motherfucker went in there and told him and I got five days off. Yeah, you got a five day pass. They asked me for everything, plane tickets, hotels. The slam was, this is how fucking cokey and fiendy I was. I bought two tickets for San Francisco. I got hotel rooms for three of us and I had a friend of mine in San Francisco go to that hotel and take the calls in my hotel room. He was going to check in his me, bro, it was a horrible scam. But for me to do what I wanted to do with my buddies, we wanted

to go to Aspen, rent the hotel room and snorkele. My buddies flew off from Jersey. I pick them up at the airport Monday at lunchtime. Wait, so were you already in at, you're already in Aspen? I'm already, I'm living in Boulder. So you told them you were going to go to Aspen and says, got it. I tell the probation offices that if my friends are flying in, I'm going to bring them back to Boulder. We're going to get something to eat and then we're going to drive back to Stapleton Airport at the time. This is way before the airport that's there now and we're going to fly out to San Francisco around eight o'clock. How long is that flight to San Francisco? On those days, three hours, we got there 11 or something. I don't know what

time exactly. That was the plan. Well, let me tell you something guys. We, they come over, I pick them up and their package is ginormous. A big old like rock coke. I'm talking two ounces of coke for three days. Damn, you guys brought snow to the snow. Doug, this motherfucker came in and we, because it was two of my buddies. One was very conservative, but he snorted like all of us. But the other guy was just a wild man. He wasn't in my house two minutes. He was showing it to me. It was two pieces. He broke it. We grind it up. We started snorting. Do you know we're in there by the time when I have talking? It is a door knock. It's my motherfucking probation officer. And it's you and three dudes in a row. Two dudes and we're upstairs. And he's knocking, knocking, knocking,

knocking. And then about 20 minutes he leaves and my phone rings. Oh, we're fucking paranoid. We're so busted. He catches me. He's going to piss me. He kept calling me, calling me, calling the house. Then he left and I saw that he went up the corner and parked. Then he took off and me and my buddies got that fucking rented car and took the fuck off. And he asked me what happened. And I told him that my friends got delayed. Oh, good. Yeah. That was it. I got away with it. He knew when I got back on Sunday, because I got back on Sunday to him. I was getting back Sunday or something, but I really got back on Friday and those guys will leave on Friday. So that would give me a couple of days to clean off. And I wouldn't have to go see him on Monday. It was

something crazy. We were doing coke that I would have 72 hours to clean out. Yeah. And that would be sweating, flushing. I would drink fucking Melox vinegar. I drank a bottle of vinegar one time and still came up hot. Yeah. Light distill vinegar would gatorade. Not even mixed. I would take a sip of the vinegar and then drink the fucking gatorade. You have no idea what I did for that shit. You have no idea on a Monday morning, I would wake up and I'd call and it'd be my color. Oh, and I would have to run and go to another water. I would have to run and go to the fucking safeway and get fucking a bottle of white distilled vinegar. The big one, 32 ounces, whatever that big one is, not the little one, guys. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. And I would open it up

in my counter and I would stand over the fucking, what's the sink? Yeah. And I would drink a fucking blast of vinegar. Would you throw up ever? Sometimes. Then I drank the fucking, just thinking about it. Oh my god. Yeah, fuck. And there's nothing in your past to tell them that you just drank a bottle of vinegar? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. I never passed it with that shit. I didn't start, I had to break the machine. I would put like pool cleaner. I would put pool cleaner in my turtleneck because I'm uncircumcised. Yeah, you got to put bleach or some bleach right there on your dick. Well, if you're gonna do that, why did you keep drinking the vinegar? Because at that time everybody said that if you drank vinegar and cranberry juice, you would be coke. I drank vinegar, a thing of

Gatorade, a gallon of cranberry juice, a gallon of water. I mean, when I walked in there, my piss was negative water. Like it was just, it was clear, still clear in my system and I still came back positive. Fuck. It must have been like. That was one of the, Lee, just walking around knowing you're gonna get a piss test. It's a horrible, horrible, hard, and not like mailman. Mailman might get tested and they can go eight years without getting tested. I'm talking about when you know you're gonna get tested once a week. And whatever you do on Friday is not gonna be on the assistant by Monday morning. And the more you get high on Friday, they're gonna catch you on a Monday. And it's always on a Monday because they know the weekend is where the real party's at. The weekends are the

real party's at. So why even, like is that why people won? Like I'm surprised if you know you're gonna get a hot test and go back to jail. Why do you even go in and do the piss test? Because you take a chance. Some, some, I don't know how your probation, but I remember my pro officer would be like, look, dog, you're gonna get fucking high. Tell me. I don't need to do the paperwork. Are you going back in? You're working a little bit. They kind of were lenient with you if you were showing progress. They're like, all right, look, we're going to put you in a class. I'm not going to lock you up. They weren't showing me no leniency because I was involved in a drug case. So they went after my drug use. They, I had to have to, they knew. So they show you a show with bleach dick. Oh my god,

you have no idea the things I did as a fiend in those days. My heel, it took my dick to heal like 10, 11 years. Oh my god. I had blotches on my helmet. I wouldn't even ask people to suck my dick. I was scared that they thought I was like a leper. I had pieces of skin missing off my helmet. It was disgusting for years. Was it like albino-ish? No, because I put drain oil on my dick. You could do burning away. And I busted that fucking machine that time and they knew. I busted that machine like three times. That's fucking hilarious. One time I put drain oil and the thing was flowing. It was drain oil is the worst drug. It was a terrible two years for me guys. Was it by your piss hole? You like, so did you put drain oil? Like, I know you're talking about, I'm not circumcised either.

I'm not even trying to- I put a piece of drain oil to cover my dick, like, like, like Jesus. They put him in a cave with that rock in front of it and then when he pushed it, that was the drain oil. That was the drain oil. I would put that way. That's how I would hide it because they were starting to look at my dick. Yeah. Like, I would have to take my dick and show it to the probation officer and go, see, I got nothing. Oh, because there was a dude named Norm Ouellette. Storming Norm Ouellette was a bad motherfucker. This guy was doing pounds of blow in his fucking halfway house room. But he had devised a thing where he got a hot water bottle at the old school where your mom used to wash a monkey once a month when he got a period. It was a hot water bottle with

a hose. He made a skinny hose and he'd Scotch tape it to his dick all the way down the bottom. And when he had a piss, he had a device and he'd sit there and go, I can't pee. And that'd be the, he'd be pumping his arm and the piss would come out and he'd be clean all the time. Storming Norman was figuring out a way how to go in there with his jaw going. And let me tell you something else about Storming Norman. Storming Norman was one of the best car salesmen I ever saw in my life. Storming Norman could go into a store and cause havoc on a real, like on a real basis. He worked with me for two months and I learned more for Storming Norman and he wasn't a thief car salesman. He was honest. He was a very good car salesman. He just knew how to put you in a bind.

What was his approach? Like put you in a bind or was he? Tell you that your car is a piece of shit. Tell you how bad it was in the last, tell you what the value was on it, why it wasn't going to work out for you. You're a nice person, you're a family, you got three kids, you can't count on that fucking car. And I don't want you to drive that car no more. Come on, come on inside. I'm going to take care of you. Let me show you this car. And meanwhile, every car he made a thousand dollar problem. He was a great fucking salesman, but he couldn't stay clean. Storming Norman. Storming Norman was worse than I was at that time. Storming Norman made me look like a fucking choir boy.

Yeah. I have some pretty crazy Coke stories too, man. Like the Coke buddies, but like in jail, when you were in jail, were they doing blow? You know what? I don't think so. I mean, I know they were, but I, that was one drug I didn't see because it's, imagine being there fucking paranoid and you really can't do show. You, you can't leave yourself. Like it would suck. When I was locked up at every level, there was drugs. That's what really shocked me. And I never, ever, ever, because it was a scam and a half. They call them matchbooks or something. So a matchbook of weed, which is basically two joints was 50 bucks and your wife had to put money on the guy's books before you got it. Coke for a little,

a little taste. The kid showed me once. It was two tents. It was a hundred dollars they charged. It was good Coke. I didn't do it with him. I could just tell it was a nice little rock, wasn't re-rocked. It was shiny for what you, what you paid $25 for, what, what, what, that three tents, three bucks. And he was telling me, he goes, it lasts me two weeks. How? Yeah. And he goes, I do a little bump here and there and like fly at night. I jerk off. I watch TV and I fucking roll over and go to bed. What are you thinking? The heroin was rampant. Oh, that's how he was at his gallery. You know, and then the white dudes, like the supremacists and the guys at KKK and the bikers, they were heavy into the speed.

Oh yeah. They were heavy into the speed. And they got it brought during visitation time through the mouth. I read this article about this dude who did acid in prison. That seems like. I did acid in prison. Oh my God. How was that? Tremendous. Oh no. You recommended or what? It was, I became friends with the librarian. Oh yeah. There's always a fucking free staff. The librarian had glasses. He was in there for murder and his wife and the mailman. This is so the truth. He had 2000 years. He had 2000 years. He wasn't going nowhere, but they trusted him. So they put him in a camp and he was a librarian. He had like 10 years left to be honest with you when I was, wow, he had already done 15. If I was 27,

he was 45, but look, 27. No, he was a hippie. He rolled his own cigarettes and he was very intellectual. Oh yeah. And I would go in there to read the paper after I'd watched dishes in that stock room. I go in there and read the paper and he would talk to me from time to time. Not a couple of people go in and read the paper and we'd have conversations and me and him stuck together. He was from Buffalo and one day he told me he'd get it because I do it all the time, because they can't test you for that. Yeah, I don't know what, yeah, they don't think they would test you. Spying or something, but not to throw you off. See, I also figured out the rotation for my P test. What's called a rainbow test is very expensive and the state gets sick and tired of

paying for those. Okay, this, I bet by now you're paying for your own piss test and that's killing motherfuckers. No, they're not doing, like what they're doing now is they're not even having you on parole anymore really. You have like a probation officer now. It's like over assigned. But to the piss in the bottle, do they take your hand out here? No, you have to piss, you don't even have to piss in front of them anymore really, but you got to piss in that room, a special room they got and you just take a piss and then they'll let you know by the end of the day if they're going to come get you. The secret of probation is not to go out at night. Yeah, the temptation. That's it. That's it. Once you come to that conclusion that you could take your dog

for a walk, meet your friend and smoke a joint in your neighborhood and go home and be in bed by nine and lift weights and read a book or watch TV or because you have to get so into your job. That's how I did it. I got so into my job and so into what I was doing. If I bought Coke, I bought it in the daytime. You follow what I'm saying to you? I know exactly why I said myself a reason to go out at night. If you go to a bar 20 times, eventually something's going to happen one night when the cops come, there you are. They take your name in the report. Once later, your probation officer calls you and says, why were you at that bar? It might take 30 days. It might take 60 days, but eventually all these little things add up. You go to a party with his fucking known people

and there's a fist fight. There's so many easy ways to trip up. You go home, get into an argument with your wife. The cops call the neighbor. The neighbors call the cops. You're going to jail. There's ghosts. It's such a fine fucking line today. If you have any police contact, you have to report it within 24 hours to your parole officer. I seen this cop. I got pulled over. This is his name and then boom. For me, not leaving the house, it would be annoying to not be able to leave the house at night, but it wouldn't be a big deal. Who the fuck are you kidding? Who the fuck are you kidding? You'd fucking get food shipped in. You would shower at night, maybe. He would sit there, come out, looked around the sun and go, not for me today. If you could edit from the house and not

leave your house late, I would worry about you. You wouldn't even ever see the sun. He would get food delivered all three meals. You think I'm kidding? Is he one of those guys who gets his fucking food delivered? He won't leave that fucking house if you let him. When I first met him, he got grub hubbled. You're the shit. Some dude delivering your food. The youth of today, some fucking bum delivers my food. He's in the car. You don't deliver either? Not anything. I let those Italians deliver. They deliver it right to my fucking door, and it's the same guy every time. What's up, buddy? How are you? Great to see you. You got the insalata, darling. Fuck yeah, I got the insalata. Look at the fucking size of it. Man, you know what

I had? Speaking of food, you remember sopes? Fuck yeah. Oh my God. What you having, man? Hawaiian gardens. Old ladies, like paisas, like mantel only. There's more white people there than Mexicans. Eating the food. Oh yeah, that just keeps the fucking lights on. It keeps the lights on. Pedro and his eight kids, they come in for fucking tostadas there and he goes, oh, it's the white people, like eating guts and tripods and fucking tongue. They have all that shit there. Oh my God, Juanita, she's been our wait just for years now. You know what kind of like trips me out is like the Mexicans will treat their whites better than you because they're like, hey, darling, you're going to keep coming here. If these fools give us a bad review,

we're going to get shut down. And notice like when I go to like Thursday one, Taco Love right by the Life Factory. Crush the street. Yeah, they treat me like shit there and it's a trip. Are they any good at that restaurant? Sucks. I just wanted to try it out. I heard it sucks. Yeah. How about the other one? You go to the other one on Sunset Across from that one used to be very good. I think I know you're talking about it and they have the fancy ass plates that are real heavy. This is none of this is across from where Belushi killed himself and Richard Pryor on Sunset Boulevard right there when you make the turn on Sunset. There's a billboard and it's right before pink down. Is it by pink? No, it's on the other side. No, we want you to come in from Laurel Canyon.

You make a right to go to the comedy store. There's that more right there with the Kung Fu School in the McDonald's on the corner. Yeah. Okay, you keep going 20 yards is a liquor store on the right. You keep going. Now there's a bank on the left. You keep going and there's a little Mexican hut right there. I've never been there. Okay, they're great. Yeah, but it's $30. Oh my god. They got these fucking potato and like a thing with the sauce on it. Jesus fucking Christ. For $30. No, no, no, but it's like it's two people. Okay. It's me, you if we get, you know, an appetizer, a sambal and the special like three tacos, rice and beans, and a soda, you know. That's why you get that in the hood for $10.

Where I live, it's like the tacos are a dollar and you can get eight tacos and they give you the avocado. They like the lemon, they grow them in their backyard. Eight bucks, dollar for horchata. That's nine bucks for like two people. I love where I live. I live like on the border of Orange County LA. So the food is ridiculous. I'm lucky. I mean, everybody has good food everywhere, but I can't give it up to the Hollywood Boulevard or Sunset Food. It's too expensive and they don't treat you right. Joe's on Hollywood Boulevard is good. The pizza joint. There's a little I've been there. There's a little Spanish fucking Honduran El Salvador family that owns a Jew stand. They've been there. They've been in Hollywood, bro, since I moved here. I've been eating there

for 20 years. I go there when I was all coked out the next morning. They make pink clouds, milk with whatever, a little bit of honey. They make natural fruit and then they make four types of sandwiches. They make a tuna on whole wheat. They make a fucking turkey, right? I'm taking you there. I've gone there. I've gone there on my salad. Oh, it's delicious. Have you ever had soap as Lee? Oh, yeah. I've had I've had all that because of Paula and I've talked to people and I know there's some great fancy Mexican food and I haven't I haven't tried like I haven't tried fancy but my problem with the other like not even El Torrito because that's even too that's even too white. That's horrible. Any sort of Mexican restaurant that's like tries to be too fancy. I don't

I don't like it. It's just it doesn't seem I'm an Al Capucco type of motherfucker. Yeah, I could put the one in Silver Lake. I'll go there eight times. I haven't been there. I got to say five fucking years but the lunch special that I could put all like on Tuesdays. It's basic cheese enchiladas, some rice. They got a great fucking soup there. They got desserts. I don't touch the desserts. I like Mexican food but I'll tell you what I do not like when they turn a simple menu into an expensive menu. Yeah. That's what gets under my cross sometimes. If you want to charge me that you better justify it. It better be that good. Like you said, they're dollar tacos. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Black beans and rice, whatever. Yeah.

Cooked bean. What do you call them? Free fried? Yeah. And rice three dollars for the whole fucking dish and it's a dish that could kill a mule. You know, they give you extra tortillas, you know, but then you go on someplace and they want to charge you $18.95 for that fucking plate with three little pieces of meat, whatever. That's it. You know, and listen, everybody has their own taste. That's the beauty of all this. George Perez, you've been on the fucking podcast, tell ya lately. I ain't fucking around, dog. And I'm Adam Carola. Yeah, that was crazy. That was fucking crazy. They just called you out of the blue? Yeah. Well, this guy named, I'm doing the Mangria tour. Adam Carola has an IPA beer and he has Mangria and they're doing a tour with their

band and they like me and Red Band. So they called us up there and last time we did the tour, Red Band got to go on Carola. But this time, you know, a Mac Dr. Drew was there. What'd he say? He didn't say shit to me, man, but I could tell he wanted like to hug me or something. He told me he can't stop snorting and he can't stop. I can't listen. I can't stop snorting. I got a friend. I just, I don't know. It was a, it was a trip. I would have played with his head, Dr. Drew. Dr. Draven done drugs in two weeks, but I'm dying to snort a fucking kilo right now. I'm about to call some of the sons of Anarchy to drop off a fucking kilo and a half. And a backpack. You're really making that work for yourself, my friend. Hey, man, I'm taking your advice. I'm grinding and I'm

going to take it to the next level as far as, but I'm, dude, I see, hey, Joey, man, I remember you're the first one of Arjun, you're like, but you know what I'm talking about. You're the first one to go into podcasting that I followed for, and you and Lee are killing it, dog. We're trying. Yeah. No, you're killing it, dog. That's why we have you on it. We love it. We love it. Yeah. I got, I was at a birthday party today and I was like, fuck yeah, I'm coming. It's, uh, it's amazing what the platform for podcast has become. I know a lot of people now when I go to shows, I talk to a lot of people after the shows, they all talk to me about the different podcast they listened to. And it's really interesting that this is it. This is the next

medium. I don't know how long it'll last me and Leah in this thing to the fucking wheels fall off, because I don't give a fuck about the money. You know what I'm saying? We'll make it work one way or another. This is just really getting what you believe and out letting people know who the fuck you are from the inside out. That's the most important thing. People call me up all the time and go, dog, I'm trying to put together a podcast. It's really funny. You know what? There's a lot of funny out there. Maybe people want you to tell them a funny with a story or how you got there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. This has become more intimate now. Entertainment has become more intimate now. Yeah. They want to know the like what you're doing or what you're

upbringing as far as, right? Anything. If you listen, man, the most important, I was always raised to believe and if I believed it for a while, everybody believed it. Everybody is raised to believe that these so-called celebrities are better than you. That somehow they're so right on the money that's better than you that somehow they were raised better than you or something like that. And I don't know. I always felt that that was such a bullshit story. When people call me a celebrity because I've been in movies, I get pissed off. I'm a dirty comedian, bro. I got to a movie because I saw a breakdown. I said, you know, I need to coke money. If you notice, since I stopped snorting coke, I don't really want to be in the movies no more.

When I was doing coke, I want to be in the movies because I wanted that fucking scale money. You know, I want 10 days on your movie set at fucking scale plus 20 hours all the time. Now I don't want to do dick. I want to do stand up and I want to come do the podcast with my little Jewish friend over there. What's the next Jewish holiday, brother? Probably a couple of weeks, right? No, it starts Christmas Eve this year. It's late. It's late. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking about you. So I don't know. You're going to bust out the black suit and the fucking codfish liver. I didn't know what you were going to do. Hanukkah is pretty cool. It's eight nights. I'm looking forward to it.

So talking about your weekend in Pismo Beach. Oh, dude, it's great. How was the hotel room? Hotel room was a little janky. I'm going to be very honest with you. A little what? A little janky. What's janky mean? It was nice, but not really. They didn't really take care of it. It was weird. My girlfriend was laughing. The housekeepers were white and they were loud as fuck in the morning. Like walking up and down the halls. The free breakfast was terrible. Like the eggs, the scrambled eggs tasted like they were like they made hard boiled eggs and then just chopped them up. And then and then like the waffle mix was sour. So we said, fuck that. But the bed was nice. It was a great area, but there was no traffic there. It was amazing.

It was the beach. The beach was right there where we saw seal just out there. It was fucking cool. We went the butterfly thing was act was kind of cool. It kind of freaked me out because there were like, I think they said 25,000 butterflies and they kind of like cling onto each other and make like a little bug grenades and freaked me out. I don't like that. But yeah, then we let last night we went and got to stay. We got to rib-eyes and yeah, it was just that's I just saw it when I was dessert last night. Fuck yeah, we got dessert. What'd you get though? It was like a toasted marshmallow thing. Like they toasted a marshmallow over like this ice cream thing. It was like ice cream on like a little piece of cake.

Oh my god. That's a fucking savage. That's a super meal. He's a bad motherfucker. He don't stop. He don't stop this book. No, you can't stop. He can't stop. They threw him off the fucking zipline and we talked about that. He showed up the zipline. It took one look at this savage and they're like, listen, how are they going to work out for you? First of all, they said, don't start, please. Don't even buy. Got the whole story from a confidential source. You have to put the breaks on. You almost took down 10 people. No wonder they want out of business. They got 10 insurance claims. They wrote them up. I don't know. They're scammers. I can zipline and I will zipline again. He's on the 86 list? Yeah. No, I'm not on the 86 list. He's on the 86 list. I could have paid

another 200 bucks to try again, but fuck that. No, you couldn't pay 200 dollars. You know why I had to pay 200 dollars? For insurance. That's why it was 150 feet without that fucking rope. Because you know what the chances are you breaking it? The same chances of me breaking it. Hi. Dude, they don't make a rope. They used to skinny people. 160, 170. That's who's crazy enough to zipline. You and me show up two little fucking gorillas. That rope is going down, though, and they're scared. You scare people. If I'm on the line and I see you or you see me, you don't need that in your life. It's worth the cliffhanger. You might as well drop your fucking wife. It's over. This fucking galook is getting on there. Think about reality, Lee. You're a skinny guy. You weigh

150 pounds with a stake in your pocket, and also I'm ziplining with my little retarded helmet on, and I'm trying to get momentum. I look up on top and you're the next. You're coming down behind me. What do you think that does to you? Well, they're not still on the line. They don't stay. What line? What line? You're not even going to go down like a fucking, listen, if I cross the street, there's 50 fucking floors. If I take a rock and throw it off the top by the time that gets to the bottom, it's a missile, George. That'll go right through your head and come out through your fucking neck. That's like you. I see you. I'm on the bottom trying to get momentum. I see you getting on that fucking rope. Are you kidding me? I'll just jump off. I'll just

take my helmet and let go. I don't need this in my life. First of all, I want you to know I'm very graceful on the zipline. What graceful? A camp. That's how I roll. Listen, you couldn't stop the Superman. Yeah, I could choose. No, you can't stop. You couldn't work the break. They gave me one shot. That's all you need. No, what happens if you're coming down on top of three kids? They usually have breaks. They don't leave them hanging there like to like pinballs to get hit. Yes, they do. Because you gotta be fast on anybody else. I went through the training. I don't know. The high school kid took us through this thing. You stand on the little platform. Was that virtual reality training? No, it's not virtual reality. I'm a hard and trained zipliner,

but I just didn't pass. I just didn't pass. But you're 86. I'm not 86. He's 86. He has to group on with an identity. He has to identity theft to go fucking zipline. Oh my god. He's a poor bastard. He's got to go to fucking Alvarado Park down there. Joe, you might get some male saying you're going zipline. Just give it to me. I don't go ziplining. I wouldn't do that shit either and I'm skinny. Unbelievable the shit I gotta live with. These are the calls I get. Every week I get a new call. I would have got this call this week. I'm going to look at butterflies. I just hang up. I can't take that in my life. 28 years old going to look at butterflies. You say I gotta live with... I sat through a butterfly lecture. I know you did. I know you did. It was a goddamn shame.

Were they playing that song, Goodbye Horses? No, there was no song. It was real creepy. It was just, there was too many bugs. Was there like a following in there too? Was there other people to stay park? They go to that same place every year. I've been to all of those up there. I ain't never been to a butterfly. I also went to the one down here in downtown with the butterfly. I think I take the baby. Okay. Yeah, go in there and you walk around like a mortar down. You look at fucking butterflies. But this was just out in the open. This is just out in the open. And they're out in the open flapping around. Yeah, well there was no nets. Like where I grew up they used to have like a butterfly zone. I never went in because I don't like fucking bugs. But it was like in

inside a building. This is just out in the open. They just go to that same place every year. It's fucked. They're fucking smart. But what do you mean a net? Like a butterfly net? Like SpongeBob? There's no nets. There's nothing. There's just, well like there's no enclosure to keep them in. Oh, they just take off when they want? Yeah, well they're just, they hibernate around the winter. They come here. These are the western monarchs. This is like a ghetto nature life channel. He's like they just come, dog. They come from Nevada. They come from Arizona. They come from Oregon. So it's kind of like the salmon. Did you go to the movies last night? No, we didn't go. How come? We just wanted to eat dinner. We wanted to eat the steak. It was

fucking nothing really that big. It was a new Harry Potter movie. So we'll see it some other time. It's a prequel, correct? Kind of. It's a way for her to make another two billion dollars before she, before she retires. It's, it's, it's not, it's just really, it's New York, like I think it said like 70 years before Harry Potter or something. Recycling all this movie shit. What the stigma? Not to me. I was never a stigma to a joint because I grew up around people that had gone away and it was treated like somebody fucked up and was doing time. You know, I grew up around a couple that he would get locked up every two years for four fucking years and she would get another lover. And then when he'd get out of jail, they'd disappear and he'd go back with a husband until

finally he killed them and they had a Marcello. His name was Marcello, the black Cuban dude in Harlem. I was a kid when all this shit went down. So I understood it. So when somebody said to me, oh, my uncle, my, my cousin just come out of prison, it didn't really affect me, but I'm not like most people, you know, with all the stigma that goes with that. Like when you tell, like if somebody went up to Lee and said, I want to be big business partners with you and an hour later, somebody called and said, hey, that guy just got out of the prison for kidding that. But watch yourself. Lee wouldn't take my calls no more. Not because I'm a bad person, but just with the stigma that goes with being in prison. Oh yeah. With the stigma that goes with it, where you and

me are in our lives, especially in comedy. I mean, oh, it affects me all the time. I mean, people look at us like this isn't a tattoo shop that I had. I don't have tattoos from a tattoo shop. You know what I mean? It's that you ever watch those movies when they got like the Cambodian gangsters? They got the boats and shit. Yeah, that's how I feel when I look at those people. I feel like people look at me like I'm like, no, this is spread to Cambodians, but it is like, I don't know when I first got out going to sell cars, how people handled me with like tinder gloves for the first 60 days until I quit. I didn't like the treatment. I wasn't selling cars. I was in shock still. When I got out on bail, when I got out on bail, I was still mentally

shocked and what happened and I couldn't sell a car. I couldn't move forward. So I went and I worked on a rental car agency, but I remember that I went right from county jail on Friday to work at this new place on Monday. The general manager was my friend. He really liked eating care. He was locked up at some time, but I remember how they treated me like they would whisper around me. Nobody really offered me donuts. You know what I'm saying? When they don't offer you donuts, you got a fucking problem. But then when I went to Hertz, those people were cool as shit. You know, they didn't give a fuck. The chick ended up testifying for me. I'm a friend on Facebook and still talked to me. She was a character witness. The dude, Rich, he was telling

me, don't do the time dog. My brother owns the fucking Hertz and Nicaragua. You go down there and live like a king and shit. Nobody will find you down there. And then the other dude, Brendan Corello, was the guy who got me the job. He testified and wrote letters to the judge me. That was one of the best jobs I ever had at Hertz and I was doing some crazy shit there, George. Freaking with some freaks. I'd meet on the street there because they had a garage, but they had a back garage. Is Hertz the same shit that OJ? Yes. Hertz was huge. They were like the powerhouse of rental cars. They're still huge. I don't know if they're as huge as what they were. Well, everyone's ubering now, so they're not doing the rentals or I don't know. Well, I know the Uber

business is cutting to everybody's lunch, but there's people that want to drive themselves. I mean, you get off a fucking plane. You know, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about that. Listen, I would, right now at this point in my life, I would, if I knew somebody in each town that was very cool and I could trust one person, I would use them and I would do more. But the ubering and all this stuff, you know, Lee and I went to Boston a few weeks ago. We had taken an hour and a half drive the one night on the way home. That motherfucker was doing a hundred. No way. He got, oh, that motherfucker got his home though by midnight drive. You gotta, you gotta tip him next to 20. He risked his ticket shit for us. The guy there was the speed limit.

The guy back, he did fucking a hundred. Wow. I took my first Uber by myself every last night, just to another bar and it was like weird. Like I felt like, man, if we get pulled over, I don't know. I was like, this guy doesn't know what to do. Like I couldn't smoke in the car. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. It was, I didn't, it wasn't a good experience for me. And this was just five minutes. Yesterday was my friend's birthday. He turned 39. No, 40. And we've known each other since elementary. We got fucked up. Everybody went back to our original town, Orange. We got fucked up yesterday. I grew up with a couple of times and I lived with a couple of times. Both of them have been remarkable. I was in shock how fast it was and the price.

I like it. I don't know about the airport one. You gotta wait on the line and all that shit. They can't drop you off. I don't like drama. Yeah, especially at the fucking airport. Don't drama me up. Where's the taxi scan? And don't make me two miles away. It better be out here right now. It's not bad. It's drama for the drivers. But for you, it's not bad. They'll drop you off and to pick up, you just have to go upstairs to the barters. It was weird to me because like, like how you said that stigma, like they were giving me the look like, Hey, you know, we don't got no money. You can't rob us, right? Like it was just weird. It was, it was like a 60 year old man. And it was just fucking weird for me. And I was drunk.

I was fucked up. So maybe that was it too. Think about this right now. If you had a family and you had a full-time job and on Saturdays and Sundays, you could just get your car, keep it clean, put some waters back there, a couple of candies, some business cards, and just give people Ubers all fucking day and make 300 a day each day. That's 2400 extra a month for you in your fucking car. Think about that right now. The same thing with Lyft, you know, Lyft sponsors the podcast. You know why? I think it's a great opportunity. I really is. If you're a young man right now, you're not working. You know how many times I've asked all the drivers and Lyft drivers, why do you have this? There's either students,

a guy with a family, or people that can't find a fucking job. There's really, if you have a car now, there's really no reason to be unemployed. And the great thing about all these companies are that even if let's say you don't have a car, they're financing, they're helping you get cars. Or you can just lease a car from a rental place. It's pretty cool. So it's... No, I mean, it's cool. It was just weird for me. It was just because by myself, just by myself. Would you feel better in a cab? No, fuck no, I'll never do that. I'd rather drive in risk. This is so stupid. I'm not fooled. When I'm drunk, I fucking drive. I can't do that, George. But I don't... Yeah, all right, my bad.

Can't do that, my friend. Never, never, never, never. You know, as crazy as I used to get in shit, George. You want me to tell you something, George? I can look at a judge in line. I can look at a cop and tell you a story in a half. If I had one cocktail in me, and I'm driving home and I see a police car, my system would go crazy. Now, I can have an eight ball in the car, be completely straight to see a cop and act like Al Capone. I'll even take my seatbelt off in front of him, just to give him a reason to pull me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. When you pull up to a cop and you're holding, you got to be loose, Jack. Look at him up the window,

look around. They know. They know how to judge a person with a fucking body in the trunk. They know the whole... I look right at him. I look right at him. I giggle. I cut in front of him a little bit, especially now. I got none to hide now. Now I fuck with him. Today I did it. I was going to the weed store today and some dude was there. I had to light by whatever the fuck that is, a studio city. And I had to light a stop and I even looked at him and right when he was looking at me, I moved up a little bit. I had my seatbelt on. Ain't nothing in this fucking car. I got no warrants. I got no wants. I got nothing. You could pull me over and break my balls for what? You just bored during the day or something? Why would you do that to yourself?

Because I don't listen. I don't break the speed limit. Oh my god. But you know why Lee? Because for years I would have something in the car and it had to act like a half a fag. Like I was having a nervous breakdown. Now I remember being in a car with my friend Jody and getting pulled over in Houston and she said to me, give me the coke. I'll stick it in my pussy. Straight up. That fucking cop, that coke was all pussied up when I took that aluminum. I had an aluminum floor. I had a spindle. I had a baggie. She stuck it on her little snatch. Who gives a fuck? You know, because there was a lot of times I had done a line at nine o'clock and now it's three in the morning and I'm fucking driving. I used to cop in Silver Lake and I used to live in Hollywood. I remember and

I remember one night driving back from Silver Lake dog on sunset. I thought I was gonna die. That's the worst thing. I wasn't one of those people that could snort and fucking drive and drinking and driving. Here's the problem with drinking and driving, George. I don't like. There's 60 different angles and you know that they all attack you all at once but the most important one, you lose your license. I can't do them with you. I can't count on you. That's real talk. I can't count on you and at this position in your life and who you are, can't lose your license. No, I don't do it no more. I used to be a soldier and do it. No, like I said, one night I did it maybe 25 years ago. I got home and that was it. I said that

will never happen again. That's it. That game will never happen ever again. You parked in the neighbor's garage. No, I lost my mind. I couldn't handle the pressure. That's the one time I could not believe that I could not handle pressure. If I'm in a car and I have two drinks and there's a cop at the light going in an opposite direction to me, not even thinking about me. My leg will go crazy. I start getting dizzy. My breathing gets hard. If the cop pulls over, he'll know that there's something wrong with me by the hyperventilation. Now, do you know how many nights I was at the same light I'm talking about on what's the street? If you're drunk, you drive on. Keneson said in his act, don't drive on sunshine, drive on fountain.

Okay, now, I remember one night having a drink and being in a passenger side and that person I was with was drinking and seeing a cop at the same corner and I lost my mind. Like that's how much it affects my alcohol system. Don't get me wrong. There was a couple of bumps in my pocket and I had a couple of bumps in my nose. I wasn't even driving but I almost fell apart. Now, do you know how many times I've been at that light on other nights when I was by myself, no cocktails in me, no reef from my pocket, a license, everything's clean and at that same light I'm talking about, I would take a grandma blow out of my, I would, when I cop it, I copped right there on fountain and three blocks before, fountain in La Brea. I know, exactly.

Found in Highland. Where's the fucking sandwich place with the french fries? Yeah, I've done it. Found in Highland. Found in Highland. Right there's a gas station and there's nothing. I could swear to my mother, I could swear to mercy but I did this at least 300 times because when you pull out of my old dealer's house and you made a right, that's how I got home. So I would make a right. By the time I made that right, George, the grandma I picked up was already crumbled. As soon as I got in the car, I would look around, I would be straight as an arrow but I knew if a cop pulled up, I had an alibi, he would always give me a CD or a movie or a cassette or a game and it was always something between us

and I always crushed the coke up real fine and I cracked open the bendal so it was ready to go. So I would leave that right there and right there I would get a dollar bill and I would roll it up and I would fucking turn the car on, go up the fountain, make a right and head back to Highland because I always knew that light was gonna be red. If that light was green, ooh would I get pissed off at least. Why? Because I couldn't stop and do a bomb. That light had to be red. I would do two miles an hour to make sure that light would be fucking red. Lee, how long you know me? You know I live by the green. There's no red in my life and if it's yellow, I'm taking it. I'm taking a chance, beeping the whole time. Don't do it,

cocksucker. Don't do it, cocksucker. But I would set that red light with one car behind me and one car in front of me, two cars. I would look to my right to see who was in the gas station and right there at that same intersection, I would put a fucking dollar bill in that package lit, holding on to the thing and I'd make believe I was gonna sneeze and I go, at you. Yeah. And I look at that package and I do three quarters of the package right there. Just on the way home? Right there at that. I'd save that last batch for after the first batch of paranoia. I had the first jerk off, then I'd do that one to get me through the night. That's the second batch of jerk off. But I also knew that at one o'clock John would get off of work,

you know what I'm saying? Yeah, there's another 20. Yeah, there's another 40. I turn it to 18. I'll give you 22 tomorrow. Man, I was talking to my friend the other day and we used to tweak together, man. And he turned Christian. He's doing good, man. He's great. He's doing real good. And he was like, Adai, you remember that one time we're all tweaked out? He told me that we're, I guess we're on speed and we were like a kickback. You know, kickback where girls do it with you, but people got money. So they're drinking. And he says that I was so tweaked out that if you know me, I grew myself a lot. He said that I was cutting my toenails in the living room. And in my head, I was going, fuck dog, I was lost. You know what I mean? Like you want a bar

cutting your fingernails? You know, I was at a party cutting my toenails in the living room where everyone was tweaking. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's the fucking, that beats Philippe's order in spoons from room service. Dog. That was tweaking. It's possibly to me now one of the biggest embarrassments. Thank you. I feel the same way. My life. Yeah. What's tweaking? Okay. So right now, me, you, George, my friend here, the beautiful miss Melissa. Samantha. Samantha. Melissa. What the fuck? Samantha. Right now, George shows up and he brings seven. He has a quarter ounce of coconut in his pocket for sale, but he's got three and a half grams. And because we're his friends,

it's 11 o'clock right now, 10 o'clock. He takes out a few lines and we do a few lines. And we got the refrigerator filled with beer. Hell yeah. It's 1043, whatever the fuck it is. 943, right? It was a 10-03. Now right here, we're friends. Paula's waiting for you. You got plans tomorrow at 9am. You got the gym at 12. You got another podcast tomorrow at 3. George is going to audition tomorrow at 2. I have the baby tomorrow at 9. It doesn't matter. George comes in, takes out a few lines. We do them. We drink a beer. He puts our three more lines out. We do that. We drink a beer. Also, we look at each other and go, George, no more. But you're like, come on. What the fuck? I drove all the way from Lawrence County.

We do another line of coke and now Lee, we're chatting. We're chatting. And next thing you know, we look at the clock. It's 2 o'clock, but there's six more lines of coke there. And he just took out that little hostage he was holding in his pocket. And he's not going to charge us for his leave. We're family. He's got seven grams and it's two big rocks. One big brother and one little cousin. He knows in the back of his mind that Samantha wants that little rock. That's how they're going to rock and roll later on. So that goes in the side pocket, little stash in this top little pocket up on the top with a couple Xanaxes he has in there. He probably has like an extra 10 Xanaxes in his pocket because that's how George runs

in the collar dog. In the collar, right? So next thing you know, Lee, it's six in the morning. Oh, we have 10 beers left. There was two cases in there that nobody's touched for a month. There's 10 beers left. You're figuring out how to get beer right now on the computer. Paul is blowing you up. The only way we fucking open that door is for you to pee. Beside that, this room is filled with cigarette smoke. Oh, okay. I mean, it's just a horrible thing. And next thing you know, it's nine in the morning and he still has half that rock in his pocket. When we're not going nowhere, people are working around this. The sun is out. The birds are chirping. Cars are pulling up. Terry's calling me.

God knows Paul is calling you. Your mom is calling you. She wants to ask you a question. It's 10 o'clock and now your shirt is off. You filled with sweat. You've been smoking cigarettes, even though you don't smoke and you're looking out windows because you thought there was a cop out there when you went to pee. There was a midget looking through the peephole. That's a complete different one. That's the beginnings of it, Lee. That's the beginning of the party. Then after about a year of that, you get to the point when George comes over now and he does a line of coke. The first thing you do is get up and lock the door and then you check the windows and then pretty soon you'll tell him you got to install a security camera outside and you're sitting here at night

with the camera on, watching, doing coke with your pants down, watching you pouring at the same time, jerking off and watching the security camera and jerking off your sweating, your drinking beer. That's called tweaking. I have this apartment in my complex who their windows are. I don't know what they use, but it looks like they just took wrapping paper and just went from wall to wall. Like the black wrapping paper? Something like that. They just taped it. They just papered up their windows. What are they doing in there? God knows. Jesus, I want to know so bad. God knows, but they could just be people who don't like sunlight. Somebody sleeps in there. It could be that, but it becomes such a horrible feeling,

when it's seven in the morning, your day is ruined and now you got to stop. And guess what? You're not stopped until that last rock is gone. You got to keep alive. And you've already gone through four hours of hiding. There comes a point where like one night I got together with this buddy of mine and I brought an ounce in there. Beautiful cocaine. It still cuts me like a knife. George, it was shining. It was 1800 an ounce at that time. My deal was to pull an eight ball out and throw 10 grams in and sell it for a hundred a piece and leave rocks in there. I would grind it up, but I'd leave rocks in there. So a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars. And the powder was even good. And me and this knucklehead and my ex-wife go in there. And when I pull in,

I'm not high. I swear to fucking everything. I'm not high, George. But when I pull in there, I get out of the car. And I knew there were people were talking to me about trying to, I look up and I see one of the curtains open and close, like the little things. Yeah. And that stays in the back of your mind. Straight up. It's so weird that that night as I was driving up there, I saw a cop double parked. It didn't affect me. But that stays in the back of your mind, Lee. The window. First the car, then the window. So we both went in. We're laughing. His girlfriend was there. We're giggling. We take out this beautiful ounce. We're giggling. We had this living room situation. There was a bathroom and then there was his bedroom. And we started up and that's

where our safe was. Me and him shared that safe. So I put my coke up there at that time and then I moved it to a different safe because they knew, especially after that night. So we went in there, all four of us were drinking, giggling. I whip out the ounce, LaRue. We do two, three, four lines. This is one of the worst things ever. Next thing you know, me and this kid start going nuts. You know, we're working the fucking shades. Wow. And he's from the south. He's from North Carolina. And he's like, man, there's somebody out there. And now I'm out there, you know. Yeah. And now, and in my world, if they're going to kick the door down, this coke can't be here. So either we got to snort this fucking soldier or we got to fucking throw it away. Well,

guess what? You know me, dog. I started snorting that thing, Lee. In lines that would kill a mule and your heart starts fucking beating and you get more paranoid. And I'm looking around. I'm looking, I'm hallucinating. And I remember, I'll never forget at one point in the night, there's still a beautiful rock left and like fucking three grams of powder. And he yells, because we, between the four of us, the coke was so strong, you could not, nobody could do. And I was, I was doing quarter gram lines and still not killing this mule. Face was going, I'm hallucinating, right? Like I'm seeing things. And all of a sudden this motherfucker yells, they got a dog. Dog, I run. I take that fucking coke. I open up that toilet. I throw that rock in that wash

that thing and I flush that toilet. I wait for it to come up. I clean it off again. And that was it. Now we're fucking high and nobody's kicking in the door. After an hour of us sweating, now we want the coke. There's no coke. We're on our hands and knees getting little crumbles from the fucking floor. Stick them in your nose. Look at each other. OG carpet. And I'll never forget the sun coming up and us finally opening up the door. That dog was a fire hydrant. Oh my God. It was a fire hydrant, but we were both so high. We hallucinated. It was a dog. Where's Tony Bennett, dog? I would never want you to tweet me. I wouldn't want to either. That point of it gets

horrendously and painful, especially when you dump 1200 down the toilet. You're like, what the fuck? How are you feeling, dog? I'm pretty good. I'm good. Do you want to keep it? Um, was that the most you've ever thrown down the drain? No. No? Oh no. I tweaked a couple times to death like one time I smoked. The first time I really, really smoked crack. Like it wasn't crack. It was freebase at the time. And that's the stuff in microwave. I was on probation. I had a piss on Monday and that was the last night my friends were in town. They said, no, no, no, no. We're going to cook in the microwave. We were in a hotel room in Boulder and I took two hits of that and I ran into the shower and I wouldn't come out of

the bathroom for two hours and that's up. And when I finally came out, I hid behind the bed. Do you understand me? Yeah. I was a grown man hiding behind the bed until it wore off and then I joined them and played cards or whatever the fuck they were doing. They were howling their minds out. One night, like, so when my buddies came from New York that time, they came on a Monday. Sorry. Got a conundrum. Oh, I'm so sorry. That was the longest drive I held there. They came on that Monday. I'm on probation and the party was Tuesday and Wednesday in Aspen and then we were driving back Thursday and then we're going to get a hotel room close to the airport and leave early Friday morning. So I wouldn't have done Coke Friday, Saturday, and

Sunday. That was the plan. So I would have been clean for Monday. Okay. So we have so much Coke. These guys come out from Jersey and they have so much Coke that we do it Tuesday and Wednesday. But Thursday night in this hotel room, they're like, no, dog. I'll never forget this joy. They had a balcony, like on the fourth floor. Did it have like a rail on it or was it? It had a rail. It was a beautiful balcony. You open up, you look up to the mountains and shit and the airport was a mile away. Now, never forget that they go, I came out of the bathroom and they said, we cooked it. The microwave oven, take a hit. They were playing cards. Two of these idiots were playing cards and they give me the pipe and I'm like, come on, give me a line and I'll try this.

And I hadn't done this since 1982. I didn't smoke Coke. I took two minutes of it. Georgia went right to my head. I ran into the bathroom and I sat in the tub with the curtains drawn with the lights off for two hours. Then I came out and I just hid behind the bed and would talk to them and they go, come off behind the bed and then it was, you know, George, where does it take your mind when you get to that point? It takes you to places you never knew you could come out and get. Now, I've been there. I mean, I never smoked Rockwell. Not that I remember, but man, I remember like, you know, like, listening to each other's story, I want to jump in, but it's so like fucking joy. It's weird. Like, I used to do it.

The same shit. And like the way you narrated tweaking right now, I was like, it's the same. And how loser is it? You're going to look at yourself in the mirror and see what you see. I'm scared. I get scared. George Lee, if we started doing coke at 10 o'clock at night, when you come out of the mirror at four, you want an NDP. If you look at your face, it's the worst look you ever have on your face. You don't even want to look at the mirror. Yeah. You don't even want to look at the mirror. You, you, you see everything bad about you. Like that's the worst feeling of the night that use all the bad shit that you never comes out of you is what you see addiction. Yeah. Stupidity thoughts. I'm a loser. Yeah. Everything that's in you at

that point comes to the surface. It's like, uh, it's like fucking, you don't even know who that person is. And sometimes you cry and now you go do more coke. After you cry, you go do more fucking coke like an asshole that you are because I lived it. I would cry and swear to God. This is the last night. I swear to God. May God take my life. I'll never do coke again. After tonight, I'm going to fucking lose. I'm going to get my life together. I'm a regular at the comedy show. What is the matter with me? And I go into that living room and I finished that coke off and jerk off eight more times and then pass out. And before lunch, I'm already thinking, dawg, I got to get another eight ball. If I'm going to stop, I got to have a real party. I

can't leave it like that. Yeah. I got a gram and a half. If I'm going to stop, I got to say a bon voyage party. It was, your mind was really just playing a fucking game with you, man. Yeah. I had to check myself because there became a time where people were like, you know, it's so hard to go to sleep when you're on good coke. It's fucking hard. So I started making myself throw up because when you throw up, the coke goes away too. Like I only needed to be up until that time. I was like, you know, it's one o'clock. I got to be responsible tomorrow. You know, you try to act like you cook corners. So I used to make myself throw up and I will go to sleep. But then it started getting scary, man. So this is the 90 in a row. The Thanksgiving at the table. I can say thank you

for fucking not letting me snore coke. No, dawg, I never really nine fucking years, George. I know I could never even think of this time. I never thought there was a life without doing blow. Like I didn't, right now what I suffer from like this post traumatic shit. And I got to tell you you know what it is? I figured it out this weekend. I was taking a shower. Even at 18, I figured out if you don't have blow, there's no reason to go out. I'm not lying to you guys. Why am I in a high school? When I was a senior in high school, I had already in my mind, these girls are going to be there. These dudes are going to be there. I'm going there for one fucking reason. Straight up. So if I ain't got no coke,

I don't have the advantage. I'm not a handsome dude. I got to go to sleep with coke and lure them back to the apartment. Like Cosby and shit all fucked up. And then when they get there, show me your tits and then the next thing you know, you got them upside down and you put them coke rocks in their ass. And the next week they give me your dirty looks at the ball. Like they don't know who you are. You're shit. You forgot me straight up. What happened? That fucking freak show you did last Tuesday. What was that? There's no love there. But that was it. In my mind, I remember Friday night staying there because I had the money for the coke. But what night should I go out? Friday or Saturday?

You know, back to like you telling me how like you were at the hotel and almost got rated. Have you ever been in a place that's been rated like or like around it? Like I remember I was at a hotel because you know, all the hotel rooms are doing it too. You think it's just you? Does everyone's do I remember there was a hotel room that got rated right by us and it fucking shocked the shit. What's the young hotel in Vegas that's hip where they used to have the hard rock? Yes. That's the fucking crazy one. Well, look, great. That's the hotel where everybody's doing blow. And what you do is I've told people you say, if you're a lonely guy, that's the hotel for you.

You wait professional. You gotta be professional. All right. If you want to be a fucking amateur and go out and jump up and down, if she's with six girls and I want to hit on Samantha, I'm not going to lure from the five girls. There's one girl who's not going to know Samantha. He's not for you. Remember what happened with Chucky? You know, there's always one lady who's going to spoil your night. Even though you like me, we work next to each other. I got an eight ball of blow. You know what I'm saying? It's been a while since you left the house. You know what you're trying to get your shit together. It's very tough. So why would I go that route? I love when guys like, wait, wait, wait, this girl's going to go home. She's not going nowhere,

bro. She's got three girls around her. She leaves. She's the first war. We got a little two of them and they don't like me. I'm the ugly ones. I'm in no danger. You're in no danger. If there was two good looking guys, then both of them don't look bad leaving because at least one line. I can't believe Samantha. Yeah, but so did Gina. All right. Let's go have a good time. Maybe you guys should go look for a fucking man. So they understand me. So what you do is at the heart rock is you're going to bed nice and early. You got like a grandma blow, but you bring like two Xanaxes again on Friday night. You're going to bed at nine. You watch like a family show or something, something on ABC family. Bro, you set that alarm for 3.30 a.m. That's when it cracks.

You take a shower. You put on your fucking genome machete shirt and you go right downstairs to a 24 hour cafe and watch the fucking bird come to the fucking cat. Oh yeah. You just make believe you're reading the menu and they'll come right up to you. How are you? Are you sitting here alone? All fucked up. And right there at the table before they even order. What type of party is this? Do we have a future together or are you waiting for somebody? Because I got a rock of coke that looks like a party. So that Parmesan cheese to the table. You see that rock in there, how it gets hard. I got a coke rock bigger than that. Now what do you want to do? You want to go home with a story or you want to go up to your room lonely with your six other loser buddies up

there. Passed out with no shoes on. What do you want to do? And dog, they fucking lure. I'm not a good looking guy. I didn't even have blood, but I saw the waitress there from whatever and I lured her to the bedroom with aspirin because you always got to bring heart medication with you. That bear aspirin, the white shit. You grind that down. You snort that at four in the morning when you're drinking. You don't know what you're snorting. You got to be professional, you know what I'm saying? Oh my god. I could never go back to Dukes after that date. I remember we did snort that one time. It was like the burn of burns, huh? When did we snort that time? No, not me and you. I remember I did it. I've never done it with you. No, 2000. Yeah. Because when we did whatever was 2007, 2006.

We did it in 2006. It's hysterical because they paid me. They gave us a hotel room. I made it back from San Bernardino at 15 minutes. I was at the Whitley cashing check on Hollywood Boulevard, cashed in that $2,500. I went right to the drug dealers out, you know, because there's different moves when you go to drug dealers' house. Sometimes you have to go timid. Like, how are you doing? Yeah. What's the matter? I've had a rough day. Listen, let me get a gram. I only got $42.50. I'll give you the other $17.50 and he gives you an election. Yeah. You can't be doing this shit to me. I ain't no fucking bank, you know. Who do you think you're dealing with? You look, I like you motherfucker. That's $200. You owe me, all right? All right. But then there's times you

have money to cover it. Now you're a little bit more flamboyant. Let's say he's black, you call him the N-word and shit. What's up? You know what I'm saying? You're all clean. You're going to give him the 60 for the G-note and you leave. But when you got deep pocket, shit. You're going in there telling him how shitty his coke is. Let me tell you something. I don't need this shit. I'm doing you a favor. All right. Give me the good shit from under the bed. This is the shit you sell to Puerto Ricans and shit like right or wrong. Yeah. When you walk into a drug dealer with deep pockets, you give it orders when we get a soda. Hey, wait this shit again. Wait this shit again. Have you ever seen the opening scene? Lee, put the fucking thing on. Put the fucking, get the YouTube ready.

I got to show George. What is it? What is it? Clicking King of New York opening scene. King of New York. Oh, I'm going to show you a masterpiece. This is how you show up to a drug dealer's house. Okay. I'm going to show you something that nobody's ever seen before. If it was my world, this guy would have, should have won the Academy or Lee. What are we doing here? I'm doing. Straight the computer up. I don't see a screen. I don't see nothing. You're playing with my emotions. Hey, let's see it so I can show it to you. I used to always show up to the drug dealer's house with like old ass DVDs. Oh yeah. When you show, I used to show up with fucking sweatshirts and shit. Yo man, I know you don't wear size nine

Jordan's dog, but somebody does. All right. What's the reader from the top? For the bullet holes. Welcome back, Frank. We got to get busy. King of New York jumps versus Tito. Yeah, that one. The first one. Whatever. Here's for the bullet holes. Go for that one. I'm going to show you an education, ladies and gentlemen. This, you never seen this? No. Click this on loudly. Oh yes, I have seen this. This is OG. This is why he should win. This is why he's one of the best black actors working today. Lee, you never saw this? No. This is what I'm saying, but you got time to go watch Harry Potter. This is this is an Academy Award winning presentation by Lawrence Fishburne in the beginning of King of New York. Hit it, Lee. I got another one. Fuck, I look like

Joe Neckbone, man. Trusting one of my stronger qualities. You know what I'm saying? You're fucking disrespect me, man. I guarantee the shit not the hell we're testing and let's get to the large plus 10 percent. Did he say 10 percent? Wait a minute, Tito, man. We had a deal, man. What's up? What 10 percent you talking about, man? Transportation cost, amigo. I got expenses. Well, take the train if you got expenses in transportation, man. Why you want to be greedy, Tito? You fuck the fucking greed. That's our price. No one else even talks to you. Goddamn, motherfucking conus. Now take it or leave it. Why you want to talk to me like that, man? Take it or leave it. Take it or leave it. I take it. Lawrence Fishburne. Because I liked you. I'm gonna take it.

Now watch. Leave this, Lee. That's about that, man. Watch this. You're in power, Tito. You're in power. He's complaining about not having a soda at first. That's how you walk into the drug dealers house when you got money. Watch this, Lee. Where's my soda? I present our table at home. Now fuck this. I live in a bullet hole. It's cool, Todd. Room suckers, motherfuckers. That's Joey Diaz early. That's what I was trying to be right there. Oh my god.

Watch this one. I'll watch this one, too. Watch this one, too. This is the man playing the Frank White. Is somebody here to see you? Is that Robin Givens? No, that's the other black girl from the 80s that was badass. Now this is like the fucking best hotel in New York, Lee. All right, this is after they shoot whatever his name is, King Tito, whatever. We're watching King of New York. Damn, he's young. Look at the guy behind them. All these motherfuckers are still around. What's in the cup? Root beer.

Look at Obama in the left. So Obama was an extra. There's some things I don't do. And they're bringing King Tito's hat inside. The dudes on the left tried to rob him on the train and he gives him a job. This is way before he danced on Sign That Live, though. That's a beautiful fucking movie, Lee. You gotta watch this. This is on HBO, like, and it goes on for like four months and they they yank it. You don't see it for five years. But when you watch it every time, it gets stronger. You watch like 30 minutes here and then you go to

bed, then you come home one night. It's on from that fucking part. You know, it's pretty weird how it works out. But I didn't know what we were talking about. How's that edible hitting you? Oh my God, this is tremendous. Those fucking, we ate the chocolate bar. Those taffies were pretty good. Yeah, the taffies are always good. Well, the taffies, but then what do we eat? The toffee things? That toffee thing, they sell them for 10 bucks. It's 250 milligrams. You know, when I go there, sometimes they give me 20, 30% off. So I just tell them, like, give me a couple things, give me that, give me this, give me that. It's like 100 bucks bang. I walk out of there. One day I eat a Rice Krispie treat, which does nothing to me. I just like the flavor of it.

And then, but an hour later, I eat the fucking Krispie thing. And I go by about my day and about two o'clock, George Perez, I'm sitting somewhere and I'm hearing sirens and shit. Oh my God, it's starting to go like I'm starting to fucking lose it. This is it. And finally I realized I had eaten that thing. I was high burning for like three hours. Like I ate the whole bar and I was burning the first time you eat an edible. It's a different whatever part of the seed or whatever. I don't fucking know. Yeah, it's you. You're never been that high. It's kind of like we're bringing stars back tomorrow. We get the stars at 11 o'clock tomorrow night. We'll eat 10 stars a piece. Me and him. That's 1000 milligrams because each THC is different in those stars.

He did an experiment this weekend that I knew what he was going to tell me. I told him before he told me that we eat those things, those cushies, the 200 milligrams. Okay. Those 200 milligrams, four little glue things, they will fuck you up like a pill. But what's like the regular thing? Like what are you supposed to eat if you're new? 50? 10? 20? 20? 30? 40? 50? Maybe. Vicky Pezz's boyfriend ate 60 milligrams the other chocolate. You should have seen him. Fell out or a goofy? No, he just was, he didn't know where he was. He was dead with us. He was outside smoking, like faking the funk. I felt bad for him, but not really. He wasn't like, you know, passed out, you know. And the experiment you were saying is I had, so what happened was

I wanted a bunch of the 200s. They were out of them. So they sold me the hundreds for the same price. So I had three of the hundreds and I got fucked up. Don fucked up. You got to get up and eat something. Yeah. That's the worst. That's the shit. You know, my wife bought those little sand, you know, like you have ice cream sandwiches. Yeah. Like she bought half ones for mercy. Okay. I ate 10 of them. She woke up. She goes, there's wrappers everywhere. I said, you can't buy those things. I'm going to die. I come in at 12 o'clock from two hours with Lee. We eat fucking 20,000 milligrams and you want to get fucking ice cream sandwiches. I ate there. I got upset down, got upset. I was like a fucking yo-yo.

Then I finally took four of them out. Now you're committed. You know what I'm saying? I just finished the box. I just threw the whole box away. I'm thinking about my daughter now in the morning. I got to go to Rouse and buy a box of these and hope she didn't get them from Target. I got to go over there fucking victory. This hotel did have one of those little stores, though, with the candies. I didn't get any because I get paranoid when I get high. I don't want anyone to know, but how much money do you guys spend when you get stoned on the road at those hotel stores? Nothing. No, you don't do it? I'll go get some food. I avoid that thing downstairs. Yeah, me too. I'll get a water. I'll get a soda. The only thing I get to splurge on a Friday night,

if I don't have to wake up Saturday, is trail mix. The peanut people make a little bag of trail mix and I take that upstairs to my room after I'm high and I eat those and I'm good for the night. Some hotels, they kill you with the chips and shit. You know, some hotels have real fucking food, which isn't bad, but you know what, man? It's a process for me. No, no, no, because they root the room service. Like when we went to that place last week, we were spent tonight. That's 24-hour room service. Well, at Fox Woods? Yeah, that was 24-hour room service. And they got a tremendous menu at three in the morning. I'm talking about an open turkey sandwich. I looked at it. God damn, 24 hours. I get an open turkey sandwich, Vegas. When we go to Vegas, that's 24-hour room service.

So you don't really have to eat shit. You get a salad at four in the morning, you know? I haven't been at you 85 hours, but you're eating. You're eating. Sorry about that. No, you're good. I'm fucking starving. Right now, I go for like four potato tacos right now. If that motherfucker is open, we miss both of them, Lee. We can't even hit more park right now. Oh, grass all over, whatever the fuck. They close at 11 and I'm fucking the Lord's day. We're some taco eating motherfuckers, me and Lee. They got a Lee's employee of the month down the bank on Burbank. They took a picture of him when they ate so many tacos. I had to get behind there and help out. They were busy on taco Tuesday. And he knew exactly what they were doing. Oh, yeah. I know the order.

Did you eat some tacos and Pismo Beach there, Tarzan? No, we didn't. We went to the place. Let me tell you something, but what I'm even telling you right now, and this is my witness, when you drive up to any of those towns and you pull over to get gas, there's always like a food truck and you go up to that food truck, Lee, and you will get the best tacos you've ever had in your life on the way to Visalia. The only thing about the gig was that like three exits up, once you hit the 170 or the five, it is the 170. Is it? No, I can't because it ends. It's the five. Once you're on the five and head up north, like after four stops, you'll see a gas station and there's little thing that sits next to it. It's well known. You know, you gotta ask

Darren Carter. Darren Carter lives at that place because I've had discussions with him about that taco place. Lee, fucking phenomenal. Anyway, you see Mexican farmers picking grapes and shit. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. There's a taco stand and those tacos are off the hook. You know why? Because they're selling to authentic Mexicans. They're not selling to fucking these Gentile Mexicans that, you know, they don't speak Spanish and shit and all that. They're up there with the real deal. So they gotta show up with the real deal. Do you pull over? They're 50 cents. You'll die. You go, what the fuck? I mean, a cat. Joey better not find that. You go, you know what? If it's a cat, I'm getting ten of these motherfuckers. They're delicious. Delicious. Oh, every route up there.

I don't know exactly where because me and Marilyn used to do the Ventura Club. Okay. 15 years ago on Friday nights, they would give us a hundred bucks to drive to Ventura to do the gig. But 20 of that, bro. Taco. We would stop at a place right off the fucking thing that you thought you were going to get mugged in. It was like a beat up gas station three miles, not even 200 yards down was like a little hut. Oh my God. Oh my God, Lee. Anything good, sec? The service was impeccable. Cleanly. Clean. I found a spot off the five in Indiana by comrades. There you go. There's a gas station and this family just date. They live at the house next to the gas station and they got a kitchen. I know you're going to say it's a Yelp thing, but we found it on Yelp, but it's our new

favorite Mexican place in the valley. It's in the gas station, which by the way is the stone or heaven. It has literally every snack you could ever imagine, think of, or never thought of, every chip flavor, but this Mexican food restaurant is amazing. It's like the, it's the best, but we go there probably when we're home, we're in town, probably every Sunday. And what do you get? There's a, there's a carne asado burrito, which I like. They have a California burrito, but that has fries and they put bacon in that, but, but you have to be careful with that one because they put buffalo sauce on it. So you have to say no to that. You have to say no, you have to say no to that. I know he's talking, I know he's talking. I promise you.

Honey Mexican food, don't please snack. Leave me alone for a minute. I promise you, it's good. Barbecue and bacon. You say I deal with it. It's like fucking, it's like a fucking nightmare. And you know what sucks about this the worst? That his girlfriend is Mexican and she eats that shit. No, it's good. I promise you. And she allows it. It's got bacon and fuck. What's he talking about? Can you please talk to him? And please. I promise you. I'm not even fucking Mexican. And I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Buffalo sauce. What are you talking about for Christ's sakes? I think it's called Cali talking.

Yeah. You're confused, dog. Please. Please. I know it's got cheese and that's why you're like, they put a ton of cheese. It's got to be cheese or french fries. There's got to be some fucking thing in there. Authentic. Please leave me alone. I promise you. Please leave me alone. Please leave me alone. Please. I'm charming way. Please leave me alone already. Please. Check it out. I've seen people there. I've seen people there from the podcast. Yeah, I know. I know. Other fucking morons. No, they're not. No, they're not. They're good people. Barbecue fucking sauce in the top. It's not barbecue sauce.

Buffalo sauce. Okay. This is what I'm saying. And it's in the white. And then when he's supposed to eat buffalo sauce, he gets barbecue on his wings. I don't get the buffalo sauce on that burrito. This is what I'm talking about, dog. By the way, he goes to a place where they put buffalo sauce on burritos. I'm done. The counseling is done. He's on his own. He's experimental. He's just amazing what I got to live with. And don't put it on all the burritos. No, no. Just the thought that they put it on the burrito. That's it. That's where the party ends. It's called salsa. Especially when you're Mexican. You walk and then go,

they put buffalo sauce on a burrito. Get in the car. And then you eat it. You get in the fucking car. What are you crazy? No, don't buy a soda. Get in the fucking car. This is what I'm dealing with, dog. It's amazing. There's not even like a two and two. Like it don't even hit. I could take them to King Taco. I could take them. I'm saying King Taco as a general. I could take them to where Gilbert lives in Long Beach. No, Gilbert Escobar lives in Long Beach next to Delaware. I'll take you for Mexican food, Lee, that your hair will grow in front of you. And this guy will go to that same dump the next day and eat after he just ate the best in the world. He will lower down and go to a gas station and look me in the face and tell me it's a good place.

We're talking about professional places, Lee. People who sell food to Mexican people. No, they're not. They're putting buffalo sauce in the fucking taco. I know. I'm just a thought that they have it. It's like I said to you, if you come to my table and you bring ranch dressing with you, I get up. Either I get up or you got to get up. We're not in the same world. That's it. Well, they put bacon in one burrito. 30 years, I've never seen bacon in a burrito. Never. Never in all my life. I lived in Colorado. I lived in fucking, but never in a burrito. Bacon and buffalo sauce. Never in a burrito. Never in all my fucking life. And I've dealt with the prison Mexicans that they get the taco sent in, the burrito sent in not once.

Maybe we put it in our beans with bacon. Hell yeah, no, but not put those beans in that burrito. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I love this though. Like he really thinks he's like, Hey, dog, I'm telling you, I promise you it's good. Two months ago, he wanted to start a business about magazine articles. I call it was called CNN. No, it's not. No, it's not. I'm not saying this idea because it's a good goddamn idea. No, no, no, no. This is, you know, he was trying to rob next issue. No, we do the venture, whatever it's called. He was trying to rob them and, you know, and he sat there for a while and I'm like, you're college educated. This is every day. This is every day. I love him to death. I'm going to try that burrito now.

No, you're not. You should try that. I'm not even walking in the fucking place. Looking up on you up on your on your way home. He loves you. Of course I love you. The only place on Sherman Way is that place where they sell the fucking hot beans. Yeah. And then you can't stop there and you can't park there. There's a line out the door all the time. You got to be prepared. You got to go there at 1101. Who wants to eat at 1101? You do, because you've been smoking dope since eight and you already worked out and you went home. Wash your place. You go before the lunch crowd. You go to 1120 before the line comes at 12. You don't go at 12 when everybody else is there. You wait till one 30 now. Now you have a protein shake

and you wait till one fucking 30. That's how normal fucking professionals eat. Okay. If not, I'm competing with 80 other gorillas. Then you wonder why they put red sauce instead of green sauce. Ah, I go on there when it's nice and empty. I don't want nobody hearing what I got to say. I'm the same way. I don't want nobody hearing what I want to say. I want lunch. I go at 1120. You ever go to Chinese restaurant, 1120, they look at you weird like nobody else is here. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. That's why I'm here. And from now on, I'm the new sheriff in town at 1120 to 1130. I'll be coming in here and I want this fucking table right here. And they'll look at you like this motherfucker is for real. And that's the fresh batch. You get the nice batch. Hell yeah.

It's the fresh fucking meat. It hasn't been sitting there all fucking day. That's how professionals eat. Yeah, the vegetables. Because you get up at fucking six, you have a nice breakfast, you smoke 15 joints and by 11, if you're a fucking normal, you're ready to eat your hand. By 1115, you're like, I got 45 more minutes to wait. Why wait? Like even if I had a job, I talked to boss and to either go on early or going at 130. What do you mean? Like let's say I had a job and lunch was nine to 12 and one to six. I'd pay a doctor 20 bucks to write me a note that said how to eat at 11 because if not, my blood sugar goes down and some shit. You gotta be creative. Yeah. No, you do. Okay. You gotta be fucking. You can't be a moron, but you don't want

to go to lunch with these eight morons and sit at the same table and talk about your job all over again for a fucking hour. You want an hour to yourself. So you tell them you gotta go to 11 or you gotta go out one. If you gotta go out one, then you bring a snack. You bring a ham and cheese sandwich at 11 and you fucking eat it right there at your desk. Sandwich is not a snack. It's a snack. Whatever. It holds you over. It holds you over, but the whole time you're thinking about that lunch special. You're like, I can't wait to go in there and get the hot and sour soup with the fucking number two with the egg roll and the fucking noodles. And I'm going to get the pork fried rice today with the shrimp and lobster sauce. And then instead of the rainbow sherbet,

today I'm getting the orange sherbet because last time the rainbow sherbet was suspect. Hey, Joey, have you ever been to like an Asian restaurant that like you didn't like? I could because I've been so good at reading them. It's very weird. The only places I've been taken is right here in this neighborhood. Oh, because everybody else says go in there and try it out. And you know what? These places probably have one or two really good dishes, but everything else blows. I don't even trust the chicken at these places. Yeah. It's always got like, it's always skinny. Like it feels like a cat. I pet my cats and I know what that skin feels like. I really do. I'm not trying to know what you mean. Please don't say I'm eating cat. You've been eating cat and

monsters and monkeys for years. That's why you're all clogged up and shit. I'm not clogged up. Yes, you are. That's why the tushy don't work. Oh, the tissue. Oh, I miss my tushy. I haven't even seen it yet. What's my with the tushy? It's a good day. Oh, but uh, no, no, no, you've been eating, you eat up them down that lower okay, the Thai food. You eat at the tacos with lizards. God knows you poisoned your dad, Paula ate that fucking pork or shrimp. You guys just poison nobody. You take shots at places that nobody else. I take shots at reasonable places. This is why, because you listen to it a hundred reviews or more. I don't take nothing unless it's him. If he comes to me and goes, bro, me and my me and Samantha went to this Cuban place and they make

the thing how you like with the chorizo. That's who I listen to. Yeah, I listen to you too. You listen to me. Yeah, you know, show me anybody. I tell you what's the best bang for your buck. I shorted it down. I take a long sentence. Yeah, but you don't like me. Shorted down. Hey, Felipe does know some dope spots. He's been in the hood. He lived here. You listen to people like that. That's why I listen to if I don't get a personal review from them, that restaurant will not exist in my fucking life. You remember that like John, it was like a ghetto John but juice by his house on Union and Temple. Like when he lived downtown. Yes, that was, it was a Filipino dude. Oh, that fucking shit was bomb. He knows people know, you know,

you got to trust people who really know food. I need a skinny guy that he's fucking care. They tell me what's good. That's who's going to go on Yelp. I want a fat fuck. It's like when you go to the restaurant, you see a skinny chef like he's got AIDS. I don't need that. If he was so fucking good, he beat his own food. Every chef you see is a fat fuck sweating, drinking beer behind the line. That's the chef I want. The guy that looks like he's about to have a heart attack. That's the chef that you want right there. That's a motherfucker that's eating his own food. He believes in it. When you go to fucking Chick-fil-A, you don't see those people eating their own food. I was watching those people the other morning. I heard that's good

though. Is it true? Chick-fil-A? Yeah. Maybe 20 fucking years ago now. Okay. I went twice on Sunset in both times. I felt sick. I had to take a shit right away. No, no, no, no. That's just shitty fucking food. The other day I was in Houston. I got tacos, but I sat there and watched the Chinese people at that place. What's the popular one that has a chain at all the places? Panda Express? Panda Express. I don't fuck with that. That rice looks a little petrified. I got up and looked at it. I'm fucked with their head a little bit. Their noodles look like they're on speed. I used to get the chicken egg rolls from them. Not bad to hold you over, but not a real egg roll. It breaks apart in your mouth, but when you're a fucking sap, you got to eat what you got to eat. You're

400 pounds. I don't eat that shit no more. Okay, so this weekend? No, didn't even touch it. I want to eat Chinese food at that place. Well, they won't even let us in the door, that place by the sunset room. I don't know about that place, George. They won't service. I know, but I think it's that good that they don't give a fuck about us. No, they're playing cards in the back. They're gambling in the back and they're probably stabbing 10 Chinese people in the back that don't pay that debt. That's why I'm right. Every time you go over there, that was one of my all-time favorite rooms. I always wished in my perverted comedy mind that the sunset room would become this thing, like a 200-seater with that bar, with that stage.

Yeah, I could see an HBO special getting shot there. Because it has that lava style. I really believe in that place on Monday nights, but he had no respect for comedy, and that pissed me off to Max. It was a cash register thing for him, and even when there was people in there because of the comedy, he wasn't happy. He would give you a plate of fried fucking food that tasted like fucking the bartender had it harassed. On the Monday night, the girl had no personality. She wouldn't talk to you. Remember, she was good-looking. She had a blonde streak in her head. Oh, yeah. She was weird. She was weird as fuck. Wouldn't communicate with you.

You could tip her a five, a 10. Wouldn't communicate with you, but I still believed in the place. But it was across the street from a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Biggest bucket in the world. 30 yards from a donut place that was delicious. Yeah, the donuts were on point. 30 yards from a Chinese place that would not cater to us when we went there at night. They would make believe the only spoke Chinese in the restaurant was closed, but the place would be surrounded by cars, and there would be not one person eating at the

restaurant, Lee. Not one, Lee. Not one. Where were they? In the back gambling, playing cards, killing people, whatever the fuck they do on Tuesday, Wednesdays, and Monday nights to Chinese. I don't fucking know. Did you ever play pool and hustle like that? I played pool. I was terrible. Probably me all three times. My mother had a bar, and when she cut the kitchen out, they put a pool table in there. I was about the age of six, and I started fucking around.

They cut the kitchen out. We're not selling food. No more. No more. I was too much. And my mom got a pool table, and I was about six. That's why I used to play pool, and people taught me different things. And by the age of nine or 10, George, I wasn't bad. Yeah. Plus, you were in East Coast. But this was the problem. It was the first thing I had fallen in love with as a child. So when you would break my balls, I would challenge you.

And when I won, I would go overboard. And when I lost, I would lose my fucking mind and say shit. Oh. What kind of shit? Like some fucking motherfucker. At the first time it happened, I had people, maybe about 10, and at my mother's bar, and I was playing an adult that was a family friend. And he cleaned the table off on me, and I started calling him a faggot. And he didn't know how to handle it.

You're a fucking punk. Everybody thinks you're a faggot. You're cheap. And these are things I overheard people say about them in confidence. And my mother smacked me in the fucking mouth and made me go into the office, and that was the end of that tune. I apologized two weeks later, but the guy never came around again. Then about a year later, and this one still till this day still wants me, in fact, his cousin just sent me a picture. I grew up with this family. The guy's name was Machito.

Machito? What's that from? He's a Cuban dude. Okay. He had skin like me. Beautiful man, about five foot ten, built, and he had a kid he got on the weekends. His name was Julie. Julian. Julian was his name. And his cousin was Martin Perez, a kid I'm still friends with on Facebook.

His father was Batista's driver. Did you guys know each other from Cuba? We knew each other from grammar school, like early on. We knew each other. We were family friends. Machito sold Coke in the 70s, and he was friends with my mom, and he was a good dude to me. He drove me to Met Games and shit. I became friends with Machito, and he hung out at this bar on the corner of 57th and Hudson.

The guy's name was fellow, F-E-L-O, who ran it, and as a child at the age of 11, because he didn't have Julie all the time. He considered me one of his boys. So he would take me to baseball games and buy me bats, and he would smoke dope in front of me, whatever. And I would never repeat any of that stuff. So I became friends with Julie. Me and Julie were tight in the summers.

I hung out together. Then he would either go back to Miami or his mother lived in the Bronx. I can't remember the exact story, but I was pretty good at pool. And one day we were at that bar at Bleding in front of my mom, my stepdad, all my mom's friends. My thing, you know, not Martin Perez wasn't there, but Julie was there in his father, who was always very good to me. And Julie beat me in the first hand.

Smash you or? Smash me. And I went nuts on him. And then I started doing Diaz brothers things, because I was playing them. I would say shit to him and bait him. Yeah. And he lost the second game, and then he lost the third game.

But I had already said all those things. We were still friends for a while, and then he went to Miami. His parents moved to Miami. And 10 years ago that I found out, he didn't even make it to 21. Crack took him. Crack took him in Miami right away. And I had a chance to apologize to him. He was like family at my house.

He would come over and swim in the pool and we'd play baseball, and I gave him clothes and shit. But I don't think that that wound never really healed. And I live with that today. It's damn. What are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? That's why you got to sometimes.

Keep on pushing. Well, sometimes you got to be careful. I was a young kid. And what I learned from that lesson that I couldn't fall in love with something that much. That's why I can never really be a fan of a football team or something. Because I'm the type of guy that will punch you in the fucking head. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? I can't commit that much. I'll fuck you up if you talk shit on my team. So before that happens, I just eliminate that thing, because some people take it really for real. But you know what? In boxing, it's a whole fucking different shit. Like, I know this.

Like, you don't even have to like sports. Boxing is like backing you up. It's like, if you're down for a fight or you'll fight another person. You ever been like that? What do you mean? Like, say Chavez was fighting someone. Who's your favorite boxer? I'm talking when you're 21, though.

When I was a kid, I really liked boxing. But it was a different world. I grew up in a time with, you know, Benitez and Durand. Oh, yeah. You know, I grew up. Boom, boom, mancini? Boom, boom, mancini. I was at the chiropractor doing one of those jute falls.

When I hurt my shoulder in 82, what I had to do was raise bills up. So you could sue the doctor. You could sue. Like, let's say you fell down the stairs and you go to the hospital and you try to sue me. You ain't going to get dick because you just got a hospital bill. You got to go to the hospital and get therapy. That means for a year, you can't go to work.

You got to go on every day with a neck brace on and they look at you and go, you're making progress. Meanwhile, you're jerking off with both arms. You're playing the drums. You're playing darts at the bar. You know what I'm saying? So I was raised. The Jewish attorney told me he goes to get the most money.

You got to go to the doctor every day. Yeah. It's like punching in. So I basically go to the doctor. He put electrodes on me. Give me a little massage on that leaf. But the day he fought boom, boom Mancini, when I walked out of the office, nobody was listening to the phone.

Everybody was watching this fight. And I, he fought Dukum Kim. Oh, that's okay. I'll go ahead. And he went. The thing about Dukum Kim that we shocked everybody was that on the, on the mirror, there was wood around it and he wrote something really fascinating. Like killer be killed.

Yeah. He wrote something he knew in the back of his mind. It was, this is going to be a fight. Lee, you weren't even conceived. I was fired. You weren't even a thought in your daddy's pants. This was when there was no real pay-per-view. This was a fight on wild world of sports on five o'clock on a Saturday afternoon.

And it was January. It was cold. I went into this doctor's office. I remember having a jacket and sitting down. And it was the seventh round or something. I have no idea. But when I walked out, I'd never seen two guys beat each other like that. They would just, Lee, this went on for however many rounds.

And then the guy dropped and died in the ring. What? Look it up. See if it's on YouTube real quick. Oh, it has to be. Boom, boom, man. See any against Dukum Kim. The end.

Where was he from? Dukum Kim. Korea. He was Korean. Korean. And he wrote something on the mirror, etched it, like kill or be killed. This was a battle, Lee, at the middle of the afternoon. There was a fight in the daytime?

Like a five o'clock? This is a daytime fight. This is a daytime fight. I don't know if I forget being at the doctor's office. Was it like an open stadium? Let's see. Let's see if I remember correctly. What's the problem, Lee?

Oh, I don't know if I was using the record board. Write down boom, boom, man. See, if you watch, that's the first thing that'll come up. Probably. Sure, I want someone to die. Why not? When was the last time you seen somebody fucking go down? I don't make a habit of it.

You put some stairs on me in front of 8 in the morning. Watch me go down. There it is. You called it out. First one. Dukum Kim, right there. What the fuck you think you're dealing with? Some novice here?

1982, son. What the fuck you think you're dealing with? What's one doing to do? I don't know what it... The middle one's only 10 minutes. We can't watch the whole thing. I just want them to show two minutes, three minutes, just so see and everybody else can learn the intensity of this fight.

I would play the bottom one because it shows that guy falling. Play the bottom one, the fourth one. There you go. 21-year-old champion Wayne Boon Boon Mancini. Yeah, but look at him. Look at Kim's face. He's gonna die? Yeah, he died minutes later.

He went down and look at the guy's face though. It was fucking... Look at this dude's face. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's when you get hit with a pipe and shit and cops get there. They don't even know what to do with you. Oh, stand right there. So sit down, sit down.

Do you feel anything? Do you feel dizzy? I'm just seeing things right now. So what do you got going on, George? What's coming up next for you, man? I know you always got something cracking. You know, hey, dog, I learned from you, brother. I stay hustling.

Russell Peters is awesome enough to let me open up for him at the Bray Improv, the November 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. And then on the 6th, 7th, and 8th, I am with... I'm doing the Mangria tour. And when does that start? And that's a band, you and Red Band. Yeah, and Ryan Doon. That's December 8th, Phoenix at the last exit live.

December... I'm sorry, that's December 6th, Phoenix, last exit live. December 7th, Vegas, the beauty bar, and December 8th, Winston's. You know, it's nice, man. It's cool. Yeah, it's not like a huge venue. So I kind of like, hey, I'm starting off, man, you know. How many minutes do you do?

Sometimes they let me do 40. Sometimes I just do 20, or me and Red Band will flip. He'll do 40, I'll do 20. We just have a great time. You were working on one of these venues and think about, like, 10 years ago, I was in a cell. Here I am at a fucking venue. I don't know people that can't get out of their own fucking way,

and you got to feel bad about yourself. But it's so weird how I get that every... That's how fortunate I am. A couple of weeks ago, I'm at the Wilbur fucking theater with Lee. I woke up to the stage and I got the worst anxiety I've ever gotten. That was one of the things that went through my mind that these people knew where I was for a point in my life. Would they still come here today?

You know what I'm saying? Like, it still trips with me. Even though I paid my debt and stuff. But at the end, it's a great feeling when you're in your hotel room and you go, I did it. And nobody knew. You know what I'm saying? Unless I told them nobody knew.

It's my secret, but I let them out to them, and now I feel a lot better about myself in a way, you know? Tomorrow's seven years since I've been out of prison. See that? Yeah, that's why today was my nephew's birthday, and I got out of prison the day after my nephew was born. And we went to his party today. Dude, I just realized it because you're talking about it.

It's been seven years. So there's a reason why you were supposed to be here tonight, my brother. It's been seven crazy fucking years that I've been out. Knock on wood, man. Let me give some shout outs real quick. Lee, how you feeling, cocksucker? Sam Summers, my man Dom De Niro.

Patrick C. Wright. Rachel Lee Little showed up to the show. My girl Melissa Eva Perez gave me some information. Bobby and Crystal down there. John Cutler and Amy. My man Leon and Jeremy Slagart. You know, I love you. As you know, Wednesday night, Irvine improv, 8 p.m. show.

You're out of there by 10. You go to your college buddy, jump up and down. We got stars. We're going to get nice and stoned. You know us. And then the following week, two weeks after that, it's Portland, Oregon, helium bitches. And that's basically it, my brother.

I'm happy you came out tonight to celebrate seven years as a reason God put you in here tonight. Yes. Thank you, man. Thank you. You fucking George Perez. You know, always just to follow up with you. Yeah.

Hey, man, I love it that you do it, man. Because I saw you on Corolla and I was like, look at this shit. He's getting, I know you did Bert and people love John Bert. You were on here a month ago and people loved you and still get a little questions about you. So what the fuck? This is a great way.

You're Thanksgiving week. You know, I'm grateful. I'm fucking so grateful for every time I hit that. You're back in Irvine too. Well, healthy. Yeah. One night Irvine bang bang and I got the weekend with my family. I think I'm at the store Saturday.

Maybe. I don't know. You know, man. You get the eggnog ready. Do I have the eggnog ready? I am possibly most excited Christmas I'm about to have with this little fucking girl. Yeah.

Because you get pretty much done. After the fourth, the special premier is on C. So don't forget code word Joey code word Joey and you get two months for free. So if you get it today, you're covered till January 1st. They got great programming. I would not bullshit you. They really do.

They got to take over this whole fucking comedy business. Watch them. So I'm really happy to be a part of them. I'm giving your C-SOUL for free right now for two months. Go to C-SOUL TV and press and Joey. That's it. That's how easy that fucking is. And after that, I'm pretty much done.

You know, I committed to the special and I got some engagements now that come up. I can't do this movie. I had a movie I was going to do four days. But these next two days, they want me to do a bunch of promotional shit. I can't ask them to change it. You know, so you have to shift around, which will make me work on the book a little more,

which I'm still miles away from where I need to be. But do you feel like you scratch the surface on it yet? Like, yes, yes. I really want to know. I have three books instead of one, really. You know, I look at this material and I'm like, this is the bonus. This is those 80, those 79 to 85 years.

Man, I really want to expose that to people, but I'm not done expose me mugging, laughing at the gas station. I really want them to know the pain I was walking around with. And that's really tough to express when you're writing. I want them to understand that. I know that. From the minute I saw George Perez at school,

or the first time I saw you on the bus at eight, 40 or seven, whenever I caught the bus, that's when the pain disappeared until that night at 12, when the Coke would start wearing off. Exactly. And that pain would come back. I want people to understand that. So that's what's taken so fucking long.

And besides the huge bust of my balls, he's always doing something. He wants to go fucking together. Get it together. Places of Buffalo sauce is where I live. Anyway, yeah, I'm at Irvine Wednesday night. Like I said, we got the shout outs. Let me start with the paperwork.

I still have not gone to pick up my fucking suit. You know why? Because I'm lazy. Because it's somewhere where I never opt. But I got to tell you something. If you ever going to get a suit, this is the time of the year where you want to have a suit at some places, even for myself.

All right, I'm a bum. But every man looks better in a suit. Indochino is one of the largest made to measure menswear brands. They are making it easy for men to get great fitting. They're making it easy for you to get great fitting, high quality suits and shirts, and an incredible price. Here's how it works. Okay, you visit theindochino.com or drop by one of the nine

North American showrooms. You pick from hundreds of fabrics and patterns. You choose your customizations from lapels to pleats to jacket linings and more. You submit your body measurements. You kick back, relax and get ready to step into the best most stylish suit you've ever worn in just four weeks. In between me and you, it comes even quicker than that.

This week, my listeners can get any premium. Listen to me. Any premium Indochino suit for just $389 at Indochino.com when entering church, when you check out. That's 50% off. Listen to me. It's Christmas time. You want to start the year off looking good.

That's 50% off regular price for made to measure premium suit. Plus, you ready for this? The shipping is free. That's Indochino.com, promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H for any premium suit for just $389 and free shipping. Lee and I get three suits for a hundred bucks, but you can't smoke a cigarette by us or we'll burn to death. You know what I'm saying?

This is a real suit. This is real material. This is real fabric. Indochino has amazing holiday deals right now on their shirts, pants, and other products too. You'll never have to worry about bad fitting suits or expensive trips to the tailor again. Get ready to look like a million bucks.

Do me a favor. Uncle Joey wants you to look good and feel good. If you look good, man, you're going to feel good inside when you walk into a room. You're going to have more confidence. Here it is. Indochino.com right now and get a suit for $389 when you enter church at checkout.

That's my Christmas present, cocksucker. All right, before the show tonight, we were talking about driving experiences. Last week in Boston, Lee and I paid $371 for a ride. That Lee could have got us for $160 on Lyft, okay? Now, I want to spread the word, all right? I've used Lyft maybe two times. Lee loves them.

They, Lee watches them. You know, Lee uses them more than anything. What's the last thing you, using to the airport or something, didn't you? I use them all the time to the airport. I use them around town when I like, even at night, even if I'm not even going out to drink, it's nice.

I took them down to Amoeba that time. It's just nice. It's a nice experience. The drivers are very kind to you. It's a great, it's great. So I'm going to tell you a smart way to earn extra money and get a $500 bonus, all right? You're going to drive for Lyft.

Right now, you're probably unemployed. You don't know what to do. Hey, man, you got bills. I'm going to tell you what. You're in between jobs. You're looking to earn some money. You're looking to pay, put away money for college. You know, you want to go back to school.

You know, you want to write the great American novel. Listen, this is 24 hours. You could work whatever shift you want on your time, your hours. Drive for Lyft. You're tired of waiting tables and you love to drive. Well, here it is, drive for Lyft. The ride-sharing app that lets you be your own boss.

Pick your own hours and earn up to 1,500 bucks a week, driving your own personal car, okay? The other ride-sharing apps out there, but everyone loves driving for Lyft best because they treat their drivers right. Lots of people started as customers. Now they drive for Lyft. It's a flexible way to make extra money anytime,

anywhere with your car. Driving for Lyft pays up to 35 an hour and getting started is fast and easy. You can drive mornings, nights, or weekends. Just flipping to your driver mode, put your little hat on, and bam! Stop making money. Plus, only Lyft drivers can earn tips from within the app

and those add up real fast. And you don't have to wait days or weeks to get paid because you get cash instantly with express pay. It all adds up. It's super flexible. You keep your own tips and you get paid when you need extra cash. Do me a favor, all right?

The holidays are coming. You don't want to be broke. It's a horrible feeling. You know what it's like to be broken on holidays? It's terrible. Sign up today. Go to lyft.com slash joey. And right now, Lyft has a special offer for my listeners.

You get a $500 new driver bonus when you sign up using our show. Go to lyft.com slash joey. Today, you can start making money and get your $500 new driver bonus. That's right. Go to lyft.com slash joey. Again, lyft.com slash joey.

I want to thank Lyft. I want to thank my man, Honest, for always having our back when I'm flying. You know me. Alfred Prane, 100% money back guarantee. I want to thank Indochino. And I want to thank CISO for giving you fucking Joey. You're right.

And I want to thank my man, George Perez. I want to thank Samantha for driving him. And I want to thank Lee for eating poison in that game. Look at the shape of you, you're fucking. You're looking good, daughter. I'm proud of you. I'm fucked up. I'm proud of your girlfriend.

You're making it happen. You're going to get a house soon. I saw her about that. She'll have her own driver. You'll be the butler. You got to go home and get ready. And she'll be the chef. You cook a blue apron at night.

Hey, I'll retire. I'll retire at 30. I love you, motherfuckers. We'll be back Tuesday before Thanksgiving. So you can think out on the plane with your Wednesday. Or when you're driving, you can listen to it with your friends and shit. One more time, George Perez, Lee Syat, Samantha.

And I'll see you motherfuckers at the Irvine Improv. Stay black and beautiful. Madonna, burn it up for your lovely. That's what you're going to play. Put that motherfucker unless you got something else. Put on whatever you want, Lee. Go ahead. Do what you got there.

This show was presented by Onit. The character what's happening now was brought to you by Lyft. And specifically, Driver Lyft. Lyft is this ride sharing app that lets you be your own boss, pick your own hours and earn up to 1500 bucks a week driving your car. Go to Lyft.com slash Joey right now to earn some extra money and get your $500 new driver bonus. That's right. A $500 new driver bonus at Lyft.com slash Joey Lyft.com slash Joey.

Show is also brought to you by Indochino. Go to Indochino.com and enter promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389. That's a 50% savings against regular made to order made to measure premium suits. That's Indochino.com and their promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for $389 and shipping is free. That's Indochino.com promo code church. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit

for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 and shipping is free. Indochino.com promo code church to get any premium Indochino suit