Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #435 - Greg Proops

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

Greg Proops, Comedian, seen on "Whose Line Is It Anyway," and the Host of the "Smartest Man in the World" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.    Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 2 months for free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 11/29/2016.
  

This show is presented by on it The days are back. The church of what's happening now is proud to introduce you to hello tushy comm That's right. Hello tushy comm Hello tushy comm makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water He knows what I'm talking about go to hello tushy comm slash church right now to get 10% off of your order hello tushy comm slash church Yeah The show is also brought to you by texture the texture app Let's you tap into the world's most popular magazines

Anytime anywhere using your smartphone or tablet and the best part is texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now When you go to texture comm slash joey, that's texture comm slash joey Oh shit go out and John theme motherfuckers tonight You like who the fuck is out and John Joe one of the greats one of the greats He's just too busy jumping up and down. Listen to bad music. That's what the fuck I promise Church of what's happened now Wednesday November 30th. It's over bitches With the Jets

Kick that mule Oh shit These motherfuckers don't know about out and John great groups. Oh, what are you gonna do with the young people? But then struck them Joey I try and like I said to you every time I held and John I go Jesus Christ How do I put something together to show the world out and John like? It was like six years that he just ruled with an iron hand when I was growing up. Absolutely six or seven years three Alps through the whole 70s. He was he was ripping it up cuz I remember his last song that I really liked was I'm still standing Yeah

83 and he wore the hot in that one. Yeah, now. He was starting to lose his head He didn't go to pay yet the Rogaine didn't yeah, no didn't take no it didn't take church of what's happened now great groups Lee sciat. What's going on Lee? I'm doing. Uh, I'm doing good at chocolate. It's fucking good You you say things to me in the morning And I don't think you realize that it sends me into like a like a mental downward spiral throughout the day because like You said something and you laugh right? We were I'm having an issue with something and you said there's always a fire to put out and like you say these things and you just hang up and you leave me to like Go into like these spirals because it's you always talk about like when you first were finding a job

How like you didn't think you could do it for 40 years or whatever? That like that frigging me out to him like it's never gonna get there's never gonna be an easy down like calm No fires to put out at all scenario and that like I kind of like I almost called you was like I can't do the podcast today I was like I was still in like I was in bed like kind of you're still stoned from last night It was a week. I didn't get stoned last night actually last night. I got stoned and I watched two documentaries I want HBO about Cuba. Okay nice and the first one was Just talking about the economics in Cuba and these people saying listen All this shit that you're saying is great, but where's the paper?

We're nobody we have no expectations. We have no like future We do the same shit every day With no light at the end of the tunnel right the word no X we get no light at the end of the fucking puzzle, you know and that's how I felt at times when I was 2223 When you realize okay, so I went to high school. I did what they told me. I went to college I made a little pit stop in prison Now what now what so what you're telling me is whatever job I choose at 27 years old

I'm doing this till I'm 65 to get a fucking watch right that's that the fucking threw me Into a four-day like then I'm whatever I'm gonna do. I better fucking be in love with yeah I better not do it for the money. That was a complete different lesson now Now it's not even about the money. I got to do something that I fucking like You know, I liked what I was doing. I liked what I was trying to be right But taking a train with a brown bag every day and you got to pay for dry cleaning That's not my bag That's never been my bag a little brown bag

And at the end of the week you got to pay an extra 90 for dry cleaning and and fucking take a train every morning And this is it This is it till those two weeks you get off every year. This is it I couldn't handle that That's why I said fuck it. I might as well do this shit. Was that when you started being a stand-up you're 27 No, I think I got on stage the first time Yeah, I got on stage on the 27th. I was I knew their marriage wasn't working. I was failing at I Just was wasn't failing at life like I had a job

And I was making good money, but that was it No, that was it the crushing weight. I was 20 years old 27 years old I had I finally gave up and went to work for my in-laws on a roof After six months, I couldn't see me just roofing Yeah, so I played the estimating game and I just wrote to the companies and they had estimating clinics So I would fly myself for and I learned how to estimate. Uh-huh, you know, I said, I'm not gonna fucking be 40 on these roofs Which stories I'm in one time. We did 90 yards and the tall was hot That ain't that ain't me. Yeah, it's like when you get locked up

You meet people and they brag to you about their prison resume Yeah, and people go you oh you gotta get arrested in Kansas So you gotta get arrested in Connecticut to jail there the guy will go you know what I got a sister in Connecticut Like it's like they've been proud of their resume. It's the same thing with these roofers, which was a great I loved it. I was in great shape. You get invited me. I was in Colorado. You know, it's it's not humid But it was great But the cold-heart reality at 27 years old is this is what I'm fucking doing the rest of my life So I tried the estimating and I was pretty good at that and I was hustling on the weekends

I was a commercial estimator, which was buildings But on the weekends, I would go into these little neighborhoods and I'd hail damage and I'd work them to depth And I get a house on Saturday house on Sunday and again I'm like, okay, so the bank account is straight. This is straight But there hasn't been a day off in 20 fucking days That's not life either So I didn't I got into this not really because of economic relief. I got into this knowing I was gonna be broke I got into this

Because at least I don't like what I did. There was nothing I like. Let's face it You know, I love cooking. I don't like fucking cooking like cooking a hamburger for me You know I ain't salt and pepper a bond ketchup. You cut up an onion. That's it. I'm good But if you think I want to cook a thousand fucking hamburgers chef, fuck you chef You know, there's nothing I like right construction was great for three weeks Yeah, I was surprised you said six months. I'm like, I don't think I can handle it But I'm not a I can't I'm not every job I had was just a terrible What good job that you have that you fucking one and then go what the fuck is my you know

I was a bus boy and a paper boy and a waiter and a dishwasher all those, you know jobs 70s entry level You're 16 15. That's what you get No one's gonna make you a bookkeeper or anything and my striving for excellence was not exactly at the forefront of my mind And then I delivered pizza for a while for a guy who Sold a math in in Berlin game and he he was a X con X jar had and His mother worked there. Did I tell you this one last time? I don't think so Berlin game California on the peninsula. Okay, I'm from St. Carlos, which is a tiny white little place 30 miles south of San Francisco and

Berlin games about halfway up toward the city and See where I'm from San Francisco you from New York and the West Coast the city of San Francisco and In New York people go you mean New York and I'm like, no, I mean the city mice the other cities ever Yeah, yeah, that's how that's how parochial we are. We have there's we think there's one city and anyways Yes, so I I looked at an ad in a paper You remember when you looked at the one ads and it said driver wanted must have car

W slash I and us Apply pizza man chicken delight Berlin game and so I went down and he was there a little goatee a complexion like someone had His face had been a flame and someone put it out with a bicycle chain, you know, like how old were you at this time? 1819 like just skating right no fucking direction. I'd been an actor. I done a little comedy I did stuff in high school and I was going to junior college, but you know, I Didn't know what I think at that point. I wanted to be a DJ, which was a career in 1979 and whatever and So nothing was going on I'd long hair. I had a Mickey Mouse shirt. I remember, you know, giant Elton John glasses and

So I walk into the place and he goes you get proofs what's your name proofs proofs. Well, you got a car. Yeah. All right, come back at four That was it right. That was the whole interview It's a dollar. It's a buck a run. That was a big deal right and all that and you get all the tips so I came back and They had a map on the wall This is the old days of the whole area where the pizza deliveries took place and there were pins in it Which I thought was hilarious like Churchill, you know, it's like the war room like we're a strategic pizza strike on Millbray Avenue or whatever it and I

Did a bunch of deliveries first night driving around I had a Chevy Vega with a cassette duck I love the Chevy. I'm a Chevy Vega. Fuck. There's a hatchback because that's you can do the door Put the pizzas in the back and they gave you a little crappy star foam oven to put them in and I listened to KSOL or KDA which are the soul stations and Smoke cools and rode around some people ordered the same thing every night Like there was a lady and you had to stop and get her palm alls and milk and shit and then you go to so I finished the first night and I get back and he goes hey, you did pretty good. You made like dirty

Pizza runs or whatever and he goes you smoke weed and I'm like, yeah, and he goes really cuz I deal with So of course the money I've made the first night Weed yeah, and then he of course reveals eventually within a day or two that he is a Speed dealer of course in those days we called it crank we didn't call it enough and So I worked for him for a few months and I didn't deliver mouth for him But I would sometimes have to go to deliver pizzas to his dealer's house and those were always free, right? And sometimes the dealer would come in and he drove a black trans am with a giant eagle on the front, right?

And he had the wasted girlfriend with the bell bottoms in the short rabbit fur jacket and he wore a leather vest and a civil war had a no shirt, right and the nine on cross and Real real undercover Pizza chicken delight so you come in in the afternoon and I don't know if you've ever you know, you'd hear him upstairs You'd hear Right when I walk in, you know, I'm doing the door and he go props Right you could hear the door open fold some fucking boxes that was the worst job Right when you were doing nothing when you're waiting to make a delivery you had to fold pizza boxes and

Then finally the delivery started above, you know 435, but you got to get there for okay somebody ordered a fucking pizza for So at the end of the night There was these two little kids who who put the is this getting long and boring? This is a job when you're a teenager, right like People said to me, you know, you're thrown into the world and expected to like be an adult I had a car. I had to pay insurance. I was living at home My dad said get the fuck out and get a job So I took the first fucking thing that I saw on the first thing I got

so anyway, these two little kids are coming in there about eight and ten and They would write up in their stingrays and chuck them in the alley and they'd come in and they put the chicken and milk And they'd have to bread it and everything rock Lonnie cut it right like there was a Bandsaw the cut chicken chicken came in a giant crate like a Chinese restaurant, right with the chickens on ice and then And he would slice them with his saw which was murder, right? And he was janked on Speed all the time. So his mood his mood varied between Hitler and like Satan on a bad weekend like you know, he he was very rarely jovial He was grumping his and that they would bread the chicken and he paid them and weed

They were little kids, right? They took weed for their face. So after hours We go in the back room the chicken room and I've said I've described it before us It was so much like a horror show that it should have been in black and white, right? There's chickens in a thing and there's a garbage can full of chickens and you know old pizzas and there was two records he owned Rod Stewart's not on the town and James Brown's greatest hits on some obscure, you know bootleg and we would put those on and then we'd all smoke weed and dance around His sister worked there his mother his sister's jacked-up boyfriend the two little kids And I'm still freaked out about the two eight and eight and ten year old who were butchering the what were they?

They were butchering the chickens. Yeah, they are they didn't have to run the saw mind you They just had to put it in the milk and let it soak and then put it in the breading and then take it out and put it in The fridge and that was their job and and I don't know that they received money or that they'd convince their parents Maybe they were bringing home ten bucks or whatever, but they were definitely getting bags of weed So they were the coolest kids. I'm sure at their high school or you know grade school and in their fifth grade class and right in fifth grade in building in and we would dance to James Brown and shit and then he's handing me a joint Lonnie and Bobby the the sister's boyfriend comes up and goes did he end you a joint and I'm like, yeah, and he goes

Don't hit on his man because he smokes angel dust, right? Like he he'd taken so much speed that he couldn't really get high like you're like we would just smoke a joint We smoke a joint we get high and then we're like we're high right he had to go the extra mile to smoke PCP right horse tranquilizer Yeah, that was always poppy and I'm biscuits So I was like oh for for you know for warned is for armed right? Like thank you for telling me that he's smoking fucking angel dust because I got to get back in my car and go to my He didn't tell you you're in 1980s handled. Uh-huh. That seems a little bit dude. He'd been in the joint

He had a marine tattoo. I'm he had other crudely etched tattoos that I assume were done by gentleman he knew and side and he was You know the real and his father sometimes was there his mother Sat in a wheelchair and she rolled up and down the counter and there was the spike, right? We remember those you'd write that order out and you put on a spike Yeah, and they were the most dangerous thing in the world like there was a weapon. It was literally point. Yes It was they still have them. I always I'm surprised. No one ever puts their hand through right?

That's the thing you know one ever put their fucking hand through because So they put the thing on and she had a phone with the cushy, you know the 70s the giant cushion that you could put your head on and One of those you know 1970s with six lines on it And I said to her what's are you okay Tina? You know like do you know do you need any help? And she's like oh, I don't need the wheelchair. I just don't like walking all out So she took orders and would roll up and down the counter were they Greek or they white trash were they white? Yeah, hysterical

I think they might have been Italian the sister had that fantastic hair cut where there's the brown striped there and the bleach blonde hair and the 70s chains with the broidery, you know, oh Yeah, it was pretty I lasted there. I don't think I don't maybe six months, you know We would go to concerts and so it's a school like we talked about last time you go into New York We went in and saw blondie. I remember Richie Blackmore's rainbow These sounds like dinosaurs now, but this is who we would go see that we thought about check So I go up with my buddy J

And we were going to the and I've stopped me if I've told you this but we're going to what year is this 70s 78 78 was on fire. Yeah. Yeah, they were huge We're going to see and as we park it that the film on San Francisco is in it We used to be in a really bad neighborhood now. They're very few really bad neighborhoods in San Francisco, but there's still enough and It was falling apart though every time I went there was part of the scene would follow me I remember having a piece of wood from the floor. It had a beautiful hardwood floor it was an old venue, you know, it's like from the 20s or something and the Grateful Dead did that show there with

The Blues Brothers and like 78 they did New Year's and they all were on you know painted blue and whatnot anyway We are trying to park and my friend goes get out of the car. I'm trying to put in this small space There's nowhere to fucking park. There's no parking lot or nothing and I'm high and drunk We've been drinking tequila and snort and fucking math and you know, I'm shit-faced and I'm standing in the middle of the street like an idiot on Steiner and a black Link connoisseur with like comes down the street and I go fuck you, you know, I'm a teenager, right and the fucking Pull back right and the windows go down and there's these two

400-pound Samoan dudes, right and their eyes are fucking glazed burning red volcanoes of centroids of murder and Well, my joke is you can they had weaponry hanging from the filioles, right? Like there's a musket and a sword, you know, but they had one of those little steering wheels You remember those that are chains, right? That's this big. This is in a black Cadillac, right and Did window goes down and the guy goes there a problem? And I'm like shitting myself right so I go no no no there's no problem There's my friends on the other side of the street. Yeah, everything's cool and they're like cuz if there's a problem You know

Well, we'll deal with that right now and I'm like absolutely gentlemen This is the night of bono me between friends and I was celebrating life and all of its single-digit glory You know, I've danced I danced and then they went, okay, cuz if there's a problem and I'm like now There's no problem finally That car takes off just then my friend gets out of the car and goes What's the matter with you? I'm sitting on the sidewalk now like with my head in my hands my heart's racing I'm almost in tears cuz I thought they're gonna shoot me, right like just for being a fucking

douchebag who went like this and He's like what happened and I'm like You know, I'm just a little fucking idiot white kid from the suburbs and so there was some fun You ran so now let me ask you this. What? It was crank, but speed was the shit in capsules Yeah, we speed was either in a black capsule right black duties. That's what I go there were the whites Which we also called crosstops. I didn't grow and and yes, right? Yes Xanaxed but they're around around they were dinky and they had a cross across them like that

Theoretically you could break them into four I suppose but no one ever did when you worked in a restaurant business The one thing you were guaranteed was that everybody took speed. This is in the 70s, right? Not crank, but that was because I worked for a gangster fucking soul crank for another guy, but Because crank makes you break out and then if you do it for a bunch of days as you know It's an epidemic of this country, but if you do it for several days, you don't you're not light-hearted You're depressed, right? I mean the best time of course is the first giant line of it when your head explodes and your eyes You know, you feel like you're crying ammonia, you know But it's not like a fun loving it's basically so you can drink

I think really or maybe it's not maybe that's the drink I don't know how I got cross tops we would eat to to work on Not just to get high but to work everybody used to always Fucking talk about pills and shit. I never wanted to see those Then when I was about 16, I went out one night and I bought a grandma speed I didn't do it that night. I did it the next day in the morning, right? And it jacked me up. I'm getting everything done. No, I went to school when I had half a day We drank and we threw and it was just craziness

And then I did it again. I saved a little bit of it and I did it again I think I threw that away and that was my experience with it. So is it admirable or no You have to snort it like cope. It's speed is made by bikers in Right, I'm one of them bikers. It's usually in those days. It was yellowy And lumpy this was lumpy. It wasn't like a pure white crystalline Tomas and it didn't fall down in beautiful flakes. It was a a messy affair. Yeah, it wasn't no It tasted shitty and it made the back of your throat feel like The the taste is unforgettable. It's horrible

No, this wasn't at all We didn't like I said the black beauties were really strong left the black beauties were like dexed drink or whatever Fucking kill you and then I got into those But then my buddy's like you're eating them Yeah, pop them open and snort it right so the last experience I had those was those things and I was selling them I was getting them in pennsylvania And bringing them back to north america and selling them and they got to the point I was just popping and popping my nose. Jesus fucking christ

And what what is the point because I know to stay up for two fucking days and talk Endlessly you could do any other drug on top of it because it was so strong and the speed jacked you so hard That you could drink all you wanted smoked up all you wanted take acid whatever and just be Cranked out and if you did not sleep well Fitful, uh, but you could you could do a lot of things you could you went like the wind Students are doing the study. I didn't my friends are doing the weight to study The wrestlers did it to lose weight and then I did it to get high and to work the first thing I ever snorted That was very popular

Was what you said he was was thc crystal That was what they sold to that but It was gorilla. It was dust. Yeah, it was dust and that tasted sensation. Yeah And I had done it all summer long I would do it on the weekends with a friend of mine who I still talked to and I got a lung infection from paracoa and they sprayed the pot Now never forget that they came into the room. They go tomorrow you're getting scheduled for a surgery. It's minor surgery What we're gonna basically do is

Put you out and then get a tube and go into your lung and scrape your lung and see what's in there And then we'll analyze and get back to you. I'm like my mom's gonna fucking find that I did that thc. I might as well tell her Before she finds out and I finally said fuck that I ain't committing the dick Let her come in here and shake me down. I'll play it off like maybe I eat weed or something And then it was nothing about it, but I did it I did that for about six months. I like the taste of it Then I did the blow and then I did that shit

That speed stuff I didn't really like that. And over the years. I've done it like if I'm out and somebody got you're at a club and like fucking Portland or something not even Portland. Last time I did it was in the Boise, Idaho That's a good place to do it. I went to the bar And at the bar two people offered me powder and I took one When I went to the bathroom, I realized wait a second. This ain't blow. Yeah

This is fuck and you can tell instantly instantly And once I did it they kicked the mule And I gave the package back and I go, how How back at one bump do that? Oh my god and Boise did you work that room? No, boy. I've been to Boise Boise had a pretty cool funny bone But the hotel was very rustic. It was from 1920 and people like to stay there. I don't like those hotels All right, give me a fucking motel six. All right those hotels from the 1800s that George Michael George Washington George Michael whatever his fucking name is. That's not for me. I don't give a fuck

George Michael slept here. Lee you Obviously, he's been in those rooms in Vegas when you do a Vegas room They give you a suite. Yeah, and you bring Lee upstairs and we we eat stars and we watch tv and he's like, this is the biggest room I've ever seen in my life. Listen to me The room they put you at in Boise, Idaho make those Vegas rooms look like dick It was so big I get lost Was it like a house? It was four rooms to a floor. I'm telling you this is when hotels were hotels

They read whatever rejuvenated it and put beat bars on it, but it creaked Right. Can you imagine doing a line of fucking method in the room that creaks every time the wind blew the whole fucking And I would have to get up. I couldn't jerk off in the shower. There was six showers in the fucking room You know, you had to see this dining room Three showers four toilets You have a supervillain meeting and it was uh, I did the math. I went upstairs like I'll I'll be up till three right I was up for two fucking days. Yeah They weren't goofing around. I I stayed up all night friday, right all night. Did the show the next night

All I mean all night when you're in bed going i'm gonna fall asleep No, you're not and it would just come back and hit you and if you smoked a joint it would come back and smack your animals Like I'll never do that shit again. How how was your comedy show horrific? horrific and that was Six summer of 96 and the headliner was chris titus I know chris and then I moved to la years later and I go on a creative international tour This was when creative was creative. They still had carrot top Right and they would put you in all those five one nighters that paid. It wasn't a triple tour

Triple paid 75 and one on the court right these guys paid 175 and 250 right which you can make a fucking living on You know on a triple run. So I took a week And at that time, you know, it was 99 98 I was living in LA You know, I would go to the comedy store pick up a package. It was just a part of life now. I'm in fucking bumfuck Tennessee and that's okay for one night Then I go somewhere else and that's okay for two nights by thursday I don't have to tell you great proofs. I needed something. I needed a quicker picker upper

You know what I'm saying? I need something to put uncle Joey back together. Yeah So friday night. I'm in this town and I got I'm I got the ten monkeys on my back scratching And finally I just went by the bathroom And I just waited for the first person to go Yeah, and finally some guy went in there with work boots and rip jeans It smelled like a fucking ape And I heard him sniffing and I caught him in the hole and I go dough. You gotta give me some of that He goes, absolutely. I finished mine, but you gotta follow me after the show

So the the feature act had a car. I go come on. Yeah follow this guy. This one went for 10 15 20 30 minutes He takes me into this fucking thing. He took me right to break in bed. Yeah, I didn't know. Yeah, I wish I could tell you I knew what was going on. Right. I got out of car. He goes, what do you want? I go, whatever get me a gram. I'm like, she goes get me $25. I go What the fuck are you buying this coke from? Yes, it ain't coming. It's crank, baby. Yeah I'm like, god damn it. And at that point I followed you all the way out here I don't do crank but fucking give it to me anyway because I don't want to go home empty handed. Oh my god I did two bumps and I threw the rest out that shit was pure

You know night train. I never did it again. That was the last time you kill your sinuses too. Kill it. Just kill them Because you don't you're not flushing them out in those days. You don't front them, you know And you can get real sick off. I'm very happy. I knock on wood. I never got hooked on that. I got dear friends To start a fuck around with that shit and next you know, their son called me and said, dog They're in there four days smoking. They don't even come out to eat They don't even come out to eat. Yeah They buy a big chunk on friday and they don't come out to the fucking They just go in the shower with fuck and come out. This is a kid

That's 25 calling me and telling me about his parents that are both fucking close to 50 Jesus christ I like the only experience I've ever had With uh with that is like I thought truckers did it. I didn't know people actually did it for like fun I thought I thought it was like people who were doing it to stay up Yeah, just to stay out a lot of people are but a lot of people do it Dog when I first started triple runs, I would eat those no doses and drink mountain

Oh, yeah, I already know those My fucking mind would blow but nothing like when you do a lot of that shit nothing li and it plays with you Like you'll start going fucking joey lied to me. He said He says I was gonna be up on that Paul, he's a fucking asshole. I'll send you lay down and you're like Embed and you're like what the fuck just happened and you'll jerk off nine times li nothing comes out blood comes out IO use come out And you sit there like what the fuck and it's too in the afternoon

Did the house is creepy if you go out something feels weird remember we're talking about tweaking Yeah, I didn't like I didn't like those no doses because no no no like I would feel like tired but I just couldn't fall asleep It's a terrible feeling like it almost hurts to be tired like you're so tired it hurts Like and I like what is it like on the second day of being awake? I've only done that once your mood does not improve. No, I can imagine Your mood descends rapidly and after a week or two of it, it's not yeah I don't know, you know When I was a teen I didn't really do it after that, you know other drugs, but not

Meth was the only really really worked for the guy who And you know and like I said when you worked in restaurants, but that we didn't snort meth in restaurants. We took whites Or black I didn't do either in rest in the restaurants. I worked that in aspen. You snorted coke Yeah, oh that's 83 you snorted fucking mountains Those cooks were back there. The one cook was a dealer the bus boy was dealing. Well, that's the thing every restaurant Oh my god restaurants are the we're all you didn't have to go to your there was dealers I went to colorado to get away from it. I'm right here. I am in new york seven colorado the first month. I'm great I'm not itching for it. It's not around me. I'm going to bars. I'm meeting people. I'm mingling

I'm not fucking depend. I'm not even asking people for it And then I moved to snowmass village and Then somebody offered it to me, you know And then I would just do a little package on friday nights. I'd watch that night flight And do a little package on usa and then bang one out at six and go to bed nobody knew nothing And then somebody says to me dog What are you doing? I go, I shovel snow the daytime. They go listen come up to the tower. It was john denver's restaurant Come up there and then be a dishwasher pays you 50 bucks and we'll get your job on tuesday

This is prime rip night. You lift weights and stuff. We'll be prime rib. We'll give you prime rib shrimp And it was Like it was a complete I thought like I was or I thought like I was the king of coke in new york These guys had me beat Colorado blew my mind at a young age like to what I thought my I thought I was gonna be around I want your fucking white dudes that shoveled snow and went skiing. Yeah, they threw me into snowmass aspen which was completely Completely out of my expectations. I didn't think there was gonna be cocaine up there

I thought there was gonna be a little weed and you had a fight for it and I mean these guys They were from the one guy was from san francisco And the one guy was from like seattle or something And these guys from the man I walked in there Every 20 minutes on the 20. Oh, yeah, they tap you on the shoulder and say go in the freezer And you went in the phrase and there was a line of coke, you know two inches I was 19 by fucking 11 30. I'd be out of my mind and then they give me a pound of shrimp

They'd steal shrimp and go take that on us who wants shrimp. Yeah, I can't eat fucking shrimp You can eat a cracker. How was that shrimp last night? What the fuck are you talking about? I only did it Tuesdays But then it was such a good time and you snorted so much blow Then I said give me more ships and they started giving me like Thursdays and Sundays. These guys were fucking animals And it was like I was around people that weren't they would be fucking wrecked By 11 because they'd be drinking. I didn't drink. Yeah, they'd be fucking drinking behind the line

After that we clean up and we go back to one of their houses. No, I would pull fucking back and shoot darts I'd go these guys are fucking animals. I mean, I thought I hung out with animals back there I gotta show them these fucking gorillas. It's crazy how I guess sheltered I was Because the most I ever saw was weed and I never I know I've never in my life I ever had an experience with a dealer so I I never I It blows my mind to hear that there's so many people dealing drugs

Like I can't I'm gonna tell you one better. Lisa. I'm gonna give this to great groups And anybody could steal us because it doesn't matter. We all have 10 different experiences In your spare time, you're an author because I'm gonna do it I'm gonna write about my 10 favorite drug dealers Of all time. Yeah, that's a good idea. It's it's something that You can it's gonna go from here to here Like from here to and I'm not talking about weed. I had some pretty cool weed dealers I'm talking about people when it gets out there that they might they could have a kilo of coke in their apartment

a couple fucking grenades and And and and microwave ovens to sale like that type combo like I've been to those houses where do you you know microwave oven, man? What are you talking about? Yeah, you need microwave. I'm here to buy six ounces of blood. What are you talking about? I got microwaves. I got leather jackets You know, I got barbiturates. Right. And you know, I go not like I have When you were telling me that story about that crazy guy up there. I kept thinking about this guy One of my first drug dealers his name was patty And he worked for a tv station at the time

He had like a good job But he was one of the pioneers of coke. I'm like, I knew my family was into it. I knew people at the bar I'm talking about my first experience of one on the outside Another fucking dude That always wore robe and slippers, right, you know, he always had a robe on the prince He always had some chair. He lived in a studio apartment, but he had the you know circle couch I mean, this is this was as studio 54 as can be he always had studio music on

you know and Really creepy guy whatever I dealt with him for like two years And then he moved on and I moved on I forgot about it in about a year and a half ago on my facebook And who do I see this fucking guy and guess what? He hasn't stopped sun tanning All right Since those days. Yeah, like he was one of those guys that now it's a date. Don't come between eight and nine because you know I sun tan. Okay. Right. What are you? You know, he was one of those guys that

But I saw him. I had some interesting That's a very good idea for a book The top 10 drug dealers in your fucking world out of how many do you think? Roughly 35 40 So, how do you think people get drugs Lee? I'd really America's a wash in drugs. I don't know. I just I I imagine in like every town

There's like one guy who shady who? Like I guess in bigger cities, but no, I don't know middle America is where there's drugs Oh, I'm sure yeah, you know like math and all that is an oxy Uh, but we didn't do those oxy wasn't a drug. We had qua lids. We had qua lids Uh, two manos qua lids that's I guess something else. There was something we took in california When we were more mushroom weed, we were more acid and we took acid too. There was all those. It was always us There was no Mushrooms when I was growing up and I left jersey in 83. I never had a fucking mushroom

Okay, I had heard people speaking about it. My buddy went to asu. What was asu? And he called me he said dog get on a fucking plane these motherfuckers eating shrooms growing them and smoking them They're seeing they go in teepees and they sitting there for three days They take their shoes off because I had never seen that people taking their shoes off from fucking jersey keep your shoes on I never forget them saying that to me people take their shoes off. Oh my god And that's the I heard We did the micro that acid the little dot and we did paper and four way Yeah, that was it. Uh double barrel sunshine all that shit came on paper

coke heroin crank the pills And that was it once I got to colorado Everything switched over from to coke everything switched over to mushrooms in my world Which I never liked because I got diarrhea great brooms Before I was in there, everybody's having a good time in the fucking bathroom looking around with fluid coming out of your ass To say the trip. This is a fucking nightmare. You know what I'm saying?

There's a hot chick out there showing a pussy right and I'm really shitting blood The thing about mushrooms is they're difficult on your digestive system They even make you feel like you're gonna throw up when you first eat them sometimes this poor bastard. Oh, yeah He turns purple. Well, they're okay Can you wash the shit off of him? He brings them to me. You can't even tell the whole mission That's part of the mission. What are you talking about? That's part of the supposed to just snarf him down or eat it on a piece of pizza That's what used to do in college. Yeah. Yeah, that would be I get there's no pizza here

You just hands me like these browns chew them and wash that shit down and try to get the flavor out of your mouth You know and it's funny because you you deal with I had a teacher that sold coke And didn't tell me to after I graduated high school after like he knew I was officially out He came to me when then he was just not garbage Ah Let me show you what I got, you know, and he was part of these people and he was a white dude

So he was like I deliver the people that don't want to Spanish do right now They call them. Yeah, but they call me right and tell me where to take it So he was a fucking nutcase But a good guy I love till this day. He won't friend me on facebook Every every two years it ends like click on the next fucking day friend request. He just he just didn't like it I Used to go and I used to go into the city And I had a Dominican dude. I had a Colombian dude in 1982. I already had a fucking my own personal Colombians

And I would go over and they had a disco and it doubled as a coke place nice And I until I went over there. There was a guy dead in front of the place. I was still selling coke. Yeah, these guys were real Yeah, once you're you know, that's the extreme, you know, you deal with people who were just people who have a day job Who like to go out on Fridays and Saturdays and snort for free And they sell coke. They're just nice people and they do you a favor Or you deal with you know, there's such an extreme that you bump into As you're going through In 84. I bought coke from time to time

From a Colombian dude that put it in a leaf. Really? Oh, he blew your mind And all the white dudes used to call him loco. Yeah, okay And that's what he was known as loco and he was dark skin Colombian And when he showed up to that bar, right, then he would have a thousand leaves We're rope around them, but it sucked because then when he gave it to you, I was fucked up And you got to hold it onto a leaf and I was gonna say it wouldn't you rather have it in a bundle? Oh my god. Oh my god And he was getting shit in 84. That was just right, of course You make you go home pale

Like he went home with no blood and you're like Dracula came into life. It's just fucking terrible terrible times So if you think back at them put fun, you know, you like I was having a fun time then snorting for three days looking out a window Getting my dick suck with dead dick What are you gonna do life goes on thank god comedy saved our lives Yes gave us a direction I think so, uh That was the uh

I think you know like what you the reason you said you went into it I think it's the only honest reason, you know I I wanted to do it and I didn't really like anything else and I decided I didn't I really even in my Comedy career, I just don't listen to people as much as I ought to sometimes and I don't want to be told what to do that much and Stand up and comedy offers you the freedom to do kind of what you want and with the minimum of people that you have to deal with sort of and uh That direction was way too appealing every crap job. I had I hated My last job. I was a schmendrick in a law office. I

You know sent faxes and you know, I pretended I was dead I remember for one day late on the floor because I hated it so much and this is the even better part you guys I'm pretending to be dead on the floor and no one came in And there's nothing sadder than when you get up and you haven't even got the reaction that you want Like I wanted one of the lawyers to walk in and go great. What's going on and me go? I can't I can't take it anymore and nothing nothing I laid there and then I got up

Nobody gave a oh who fucking and all the lawyers then were doing a lot of this was the 80s in san francisco They were doing coke a couple of them were bouncing off the walls And then there was the the guy's firm it was and he was a straight arrow and his father worked there too And he was a straight arrow, but one of the cats um had defended sonny barger and sarah jane more So I used to go into his office. His name was frank bell. I don't know if he's alive still. He was a uh Quite a good lawyer and um, we would smoke, you know, we closed the door and we just smoked cigarettes and talk and he would tell me like What was like sarah jane more tried to shoot president ford in san francisco in front of the Fairmont hotel in 1974 and uh, she got off

I think around didn't she before they knocked her down or whatever something this and uh, she might have got off a couple And uh people shooting presents more than the squeaky for a man Yeah, sir jane more both took a shot at uh, um president ford But they not I think they or was squeaky for him. I think one of attacked him with a knife When they knocked her down and she is in the manson family the facilities were pretty, you know, and then No, no, it's got a kid napped when I was in high school Okay started with kennedy that his brother guys shot right And I remember being a little kid all some people get shot for real and then

The 70s brought in a complete different george wallace got shot in 72 george wallace Who asked something else? They should they tried to shoot um Ford twice and not to end work. I don't know what's going about reagan reagan got shot in 80 80 who else did they try to shoot what presidents other presidents trying to get assassinated well every president pretty much Uh roosevelt they tried a bunch of times uh ender joxson. I think personally disarmed a couple people that tried to kill him uh Kennedy definitely

ford Yeah, uh clinton obama. We don't know. I mean people do crazy shit and tried to get break into the white house But that's just crazy shit done nobody really Yeah, that's a very horrible history of assassination Which is why it's very dangerous to say people should shoot people and stuff because uh, this is that country Four assassinated presidents and at least eight or ten others that they tried to kill At different points. Have they never shot castra? 600 assassination attempts. They said that's bullshit. And uh, what was it? It took the year 2016 to kill him. That's what someone said

Well castra, you know uh The fact that we hadn't had relations with them until last year is the part that just blows my mind like really You know, he wasn't he hasn't been What prime minister or premier or whatever for what for a while now four or five years his brother took over, right? Raul You know, there's He was a dictator so

positives are hard to find but I will say he ejected the mafia out of cuba and that might have been his greatest accomplishment The revolution getting America and organized crime out of cuba was a vast undertaking. I think at the time uh Putting people in camps and prisoning people with AIDS Not not so great Fucking uh, you know making people leave Oh my god, how many people listen how many people are out there?

How many people said, you know what? I can't take this starvation and this getting put in jail I'm just gonna get on a fucking ramp and take a shot at shark infested waters Yep, how crazy is that that you would take your fucking child when he's two or three like ellion gonzalez, you know We're leaving this fucking nightmare Of a town, you know, I mean it was uh It's a long time Long long fucking time. It's scary. I think the best part is that now that we've got relations with him It's only an avid. We got no fucking relations. We got shit with them. Well fidel closed that door and said fuck that pope

And fuck that and I guarantee he said something derogatory Because he's cuba and he said something fucking derogatory. You don't want me to say it on the show so you know He just played along He just played along, you know fidel has more money than god. Oh, yeah, you know He was also involved with the cartel. I mean when that guy went to prison He went up in front of a judge. He gave him the the proof about fidel

He goes, listen, you guys were looking for the fucking us in columbia. We were in cuba, right? We kind of deal with him for 800,000 a ship Wow, well if we put the whole ship filled with blow Or two kilos he got 800,000 We were shipping him out of cuba, you know, he made money on that He took over all that. I don't know if he took over batista's money I think batista left with that game. I was gonna say batista left with his and mya lansky had his out As he was coming in mya lansky's Mya lansky was having that wired to robinowitz robinowitz and ben benowitz his office

That was going right through a direct fucking wire. That wasn't even laying around that one minute It was very sad, but fidel didn't how he did it, you know He lied to these people that We're already getting beat up for the last fucking 10 years You know at the end of batista's reign It was three years of hell, you know, there was no police no more Right, they just get out of cars and break your fucking skull and leave you there, you know, there was no more They were horrible and then came this guy

Who promised you this and this right everyone's gonna eat and also one day He knocks on your door great proof and says listen did you get the letter? And you're like what letter this house is part of the revolution You got to go, you know shit like this and you're like, where do I go? I don't know Yeah, that's your fucking problem. There was just so many injustices and then the 70s. He really tightened up Yeah, he really fucked with those people and that's what when my mom died One of the really big things that was found was a letter from her family in kube

Just basically fucking denouncing her And we got it The day she died that was the male that was on the table. Oh my god. She hadn't even read it yet So we're like and I remember my stepdad calling me into the room and going come here for a second Read this and I'm like, what the fuck? He goes what happened was when she sold the bar There was no other way to wire money to that fucking place for my sister. So they actually mail Uh checks and stuff and kube was taken after money. So my family thought my mom

Wasn't sending the right amount. I mean, it was just a horrible that We, you know, about a year ago about two or three years if I opened up communications with my sister, you know And one day I just asked I go what the fuck was going on at that time. They told me tell you what was really going on Okay, they had his brain washed They had his brain washed they made us believe that Uh, we had a family in the united states that were garbage We weren't allowed to communicate with them and those letters that were written were written with them in the room Like it was one of those things to tell your relatives not to send force. Yeah, don't fucking do this no more

Don't do this no more. Don't do that no more. Is it true? I don't fucking know I was in new jersey with my own problems, you know um For me it means that This it didn't affect me, but in many ways it did like I said I grew up with the hatred around me and then as I got old I said, what am I angry at this dude for? Then I watched this tv show Celia and the first 30 episodes it's fidel taken over cube a little by little and the promises he made

and how he had these young kids dedicate themselves and uh And then I remembered all the bad shit and then he dies last fucking week So for me, I just feel uh happy for those people because there's a lot of chapters lies for a lot of people What is it like for you to hear like there's like the uh when people are pro Uh We're pro Castro I could see like there's are there are people coming out who were like he was did good things And that's just like all I've heard was all terrible things. He did six great things

But he did 2000 Really bad things See listen, this country is already forgiven And I'm not picking at a scab. We were already forgiven The guy who killed all the dogs Michael it's forgotten America's on to more different problems. What the fuck do you what the fucking you mad about from 1959? Do you know from 59 to 61 or 62 or something? He was cool

And then something went wrong somewhere and he went fucking ape shit and uh That's when the gays started getting killed that he became even more racist and all this shit And nobody nobody who even listens to the podcast was there. I wasn't there. I wasn't there But I saw the people's pain around me I saw You know when I talked to you about the san francisco 49 You might get a little hot with me But not that your face gets red and you get tears in your eyes and you have a vein in your neck

I saw those reactions from people when cuba or fidel was brought up over the holidays. These people were shot I come to your house lee in boston Take you out of your house and you got to leave your mother in boston and move to california And you don't know the language and you don't know how to get back. You don't even know the fuck you are What now Yeah, that's pretty crazy. What now it's fucking crazy. So how many families he broke up You know, your mom is over there and you're here, but anytime you go home tomorrow you go home Not there, you know all those baseball players that that uh defected defected, you know what they did to their families and shit

Horrible fucking things, you know, so well, there was no cubans in the bigs from what 59 till G whiz Like the 80s really that long Yeah, because remember when what's his name the duke pitch for the yankees He had defected The last two are remember is louis teot The louis teot was right But he left cuban like 61. I see what you're saying. You're absolutely correct. Not that many players defected and were able to play

No, if you look at if you look at louis louis teot made a statement the other day about the whole thing and underneath it Told his story and it said that he left cuban 61. So you're absolutely right and somebody else tony peres Bang oh you bad motherfucker you they don't even make them like gregg proofs no more They're great players, man, and louis teot's father was also a giant star in the crubian and in the nigger leagues uh teota used to give post game press conferences naked with a cigar And uh, he was fantastic. He also almost completely

On his pitching motion turned in face center field and then would deliver the ball. He had a tremendous motion I always thought he should go in the hall of fame. He has like 250 wins and for money. He was really good I felt that uh I had no fucking idea who he was I was a tony peres fan because Tony peres and my dad grew up together and come away cuba So after my dad died whenever tony peres would come to new york to play against the mats Him and my mom and his wife would get together really and I was telling lee

In 73 the Mets played of the reds. Yeah the playoffs in the east coast in the whatever national league And I had the chicken pox so I couldn't go to school for my mom. I was like you might as well come to the fucking playoff games So I go to the one game and that's when pete rose beat up on butthouse. Yeah, yeah Tremendous, I had a show lee like you know, this is just and I'm not putting lee down at all There's no reason for this one night lee and I had a conversation We talked about pete rose and how funny he was during the world series this year And the next day I came in and I go he put on these videos. I showed him The all-star game video

Very fussy it's it's And this is like a tv show greg that I think you and I need to pitch Let's And and this is not geo like we need to go to not geo with this show and go listen There's a generation of kids that I had my friend bring their kids over and they're 21 and I looked at them And I go you guys ever see a bruce lee movie and they looked at me and they go right who's bruce lee? And they go no not really and I put on chinese connections The second one when he goes to the school and they kill the master

That's one of the best films ever fucking made The last 20 minutes I was pure torture They they they they were sweating their faces were red I'm like you guys never saw this night now There's a whole when lee told me he had I totally grew up a real hardcore baseball fan and somewhere along the line You know leo stayed up on that computer all night Someone on the line he'd say what the fuck did p rose? Why don't they put them in the hall of fame and look it up and look at one of his videos?

So I'm a cincinati red fan fucking diehard No, you know the yankees are nuts Fuck no my mom was a met fan and I would go to the games. I like tom siever. Yeah I liked uh, there was a couple mats. I like rusty stop my mom threw a chicken wing at him What because she lost the game My mom used to fucking go to make my mom was listen cubans love baseball. Okay. Yeah, and when you bet the game That's a complete different level of love. Yeah, and when you make an error in right field. We got a problem

So my mom would sit there eat the wings and as he would run back she'd throw the fucking wings at him and call them la ruta The car ah we were puta and all they shouldn't say shit So I grew up, uh, I like baseball. I like going to Watch the Pittsburgh pirates with willy star joe and and and manny sanghi and and clemente and uh And who else that I like back then I like the dodgers Dodgers were great when you lived Dodgers were great. Say whatever the fuck you want the giants were great that willy mccovey I'm a giant and they had my bad for lando sapata. Yeah, right

They had uh, I know lando sapata from santeria gathering. Really when I was a kid. Yeah, really and I used to play baseball with his son And I remember one like this is he's out of baseball already at this time. Yeah, 70 Seven late 70s. No, he played till 75. This is 73. Yeah, and he had a first baseman's glove. I had baseball gloves But I never had a first right, right So he was over there all weekend We're playing baseball. We're killing chickens. Yeah You know, we're doing the whole fucking thing and all of a sudden the weekend ends

And I got the glove in my room and I'm like, he's gonna fucking forget He said the jackpot and this ain't just a first baseman's glove. This is a fucking Orlando sapata. Hey that autograph. Yeah, man's glove model. No, I don't even think it was autograph. No, no Yeah, yeah, it was right like Rawlings Orlando sapata for the ass there in the car wave and the kid goes, hold on. I don't have my glove. I know you took it He's like, no, I didn't I'm like, oh Oh, you left in the room with your t-shirt. Oh So yeah, right up and I was like god damn it. Yeah almost had a fucking Orlando sapata glove

But I went to uh One of the most thrilling my baseball glove was a Pete Rose glove. I loved all that Pete Rose shit Everything about I loved that style of baseball That aggressive Fuck home runs all we need is a guy to get on first to get this party started time. They would just torment baseball pictures But I loved that style, but by my american league team on the sly was kind of red socks They had a pretty good team. Oh, yeah, I fucking hated the Yankees. I hated the Yankees and I hated their announcers

I think they grew up on wpix was mel alan the announcer done I don't fuck. No, I hated I couldn't even listen. I feel rizzuto. Oh rizzuto, right? Of course. That's good. You're forever Oh, fucking yeah you So it wasn't like I was a big Boston Red Sox man if they want tv and want them there were a couple plays I always loved carton fisk. He's great. I just loved I was at his last game dog. I loved his everything He was a red ass. Yeah, like I loved his everything, you know like uh So I like that style of baseball and all of a sudden had to play the reds in the world series And my mom's tormenting me Cuban style

You know Cuban style, so what are you gonna do now that you little faggy fucking Cincinnati reds la roja Yeah, you know la roja red is a girl's color. What do you gotta fucking do? You're a little a lot since they lost roja and I'm living under this fucking torment And I I just said listen put your fucking money with your mountains. All right I win. I live like a doctor. I don't have to do dishes. I don't do my own laundry no more all I shit's done And she's like it's hot But it wasn't about that with her It was gonna be two or three months of constant torture

And then everything they fucked up she'd go just the same way you like the reds, you know It's not too late. You could still be a boston red like my mom was one of those torture chambers My sheets were gonna be red She was just torment me. I could not lose. It wasn't about the money It was about the dignity. It's a cuban woman. It's enough to destroy you So when they played in the world series, I wasn't a fucking dilemma But the boston redsox brought in tion's parents from cuba

Game two game three one of those games And I never forgot the redsox for that. I said, you know what? That's when fidel was hard 75 76 fidel wasn't playing you gotta show up there with a big envelope. Yeah boston redsox is not known for big payroll So for them to get tion's parents over Meant the world to me. I was like he gets a pitch in the world series You know, he did that documentary he went back to cuba after 46 years and said what a fucking nightmare it was blah blah blah blah There's an article on vice about it. Apparently it was the first time in 14 years that he pitched in front of his parents

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is tremendous shit. And you know what? I'm sorry guys. You know what? I like sports from time to time But I like good old american sports I like good old american sports. I don't need to see a Pepsi commercial 85 fucking times, you know I like uh, I grew up on that and that stayed in my mind And that's how I still remember sports and that's how it should be played How pete rose played the game. Do I agree with his gambling not at all? But I've been there. What are you gonna do? He got caught

He paid his due to society. He's still one of the top Five players of all fucking time, especially when the game got And down and dirty that shit in the all-star game till this day. I'm 53 years old That hank irons home run. Yeah, I remember where I was. It was a 7th in bergen land I have my friend digging this house with a little kid. He hit that home run to me. That was like fucking I was so excited from remember when we were kids lube rock was a bad mother. Oh, yeah He used to steal tons of bases and shit. I had lube rock converse shoes Who the fucking thinking dealing with great poops some fucking novice. You think I just showed up with a fucking

Uh, a giant shirt like oh my god. I I love that you really have you know, I love the giants. You like really? What's your favorite team last years? Yeah, you like get the fuck out of my face amateur Today I'm not in touch with nothing I told Lydia a day A friend came over and watched a little football and I watched Not the raider game. Was it the raider game greater carolina? And that was the first time I had really watched more than three minutes of football Yeah, and I watched the game and the whole time I'm like fuck. This is a great game

I go carolina is great. The raiders have been doing well I wasn't this show the fucking uh carolina reckon only three and seven or something I'm like that's how much I know about football right like I had back 20 years ago. I knew stats waterbacks You know, I think I stopped after I ended football as like a fucking san francisco 49 a fan When I was in high school, they won me a fortune when that fucking clark caught that ball I had the over I had the niners

and I that That pick not only got me that almost got my knock my head knocked off Because I got really fucking coked up that friday night and really drunk when some kid came in that me and him Didn't see eye to eye And he kept talking about the fucking dallas cowboys and then my cocaine a is this kid gonna kill me Yeah, I looked at him like a listen Let's put a thousand down, you know, I didn't have two dollars in my pocket But that's how much I knew the niners were gonna win

Because they were getting a point at home. Yeah, you're not coming into my fucking house The only team I lost this year was those fucking New Orleans Saints that stayed in my ass for years The niners couldn't figure out how to beat the fucking Saints What about the niners not to uh, I don't want to depress you, but they just really they went from super bowl contender to I think they have one way. Yes. We're in a rebuilding phase now as they say I don't understand super bowl teams and teams that go far when you In the management goes, okay, this is what we invest all this money for was that moment That didn't happen break up this fucking team. Let's start anew with a new budget

I never understood that mentality in sports all that type mentality Harbaugh wasn't a good fit for San Francisco either and nobody really liked him And they were pretty much glad to see a guy who got us to the Super Bowl and the playoffs glad to see him go Also, that Super Bowl was a horrible Super Bowl and that one seemed like there was gangsters hands all over it When the fucking lights went off at the Super Dome at the halftime for 20 minutes and then they're like, oh Now New Orleans is ice cold and we came back and scored what three touchdowns and still couldn't Win it. I just thought uh I remember the last Super Bowl. I remember standing drunk screaming at the screen from three inches away as we lost

Let me tell you something. I remember the last 15 Super Bowls. Like I remember getting raped Like I just don't remember them at all. I get them something. I just that's how much No, I don't watch that's how different I know is when I watched that's how different my life was there was a time where Right, you watching the Super Bowl men the grandma blow A case of beer three quail boots and that was just a start. Yeah, that was just half time I had to call me in the third quarter because we might need something. I want you to deliver That was one of those type of guys and now I know nothing I know zero about baseball baseball is the one that I can't even keep up. But I don't even try anymore

It's been like three years Because it's just too much but you'll watch your Red Sox game or you stop watching the Red Sox Ah If I if it's on fox, but I don't have like the local Boston station So I'm not gonna do that and then it's just the players change so much. I I always go when I'm home But other than that, it doesn't seem it's just 100. It's 162 games before the playoffs So I just six months. Yeah. Oh my god You got time to follow that when you're 15

Yeah, I was gonna say I don't follow it as avidly as I do I'm known as a baseball fan, but I really like all-time baseball more and also Yeah, now I don't have time every day to follow every single team in the bigs and what they did and who their players are This year, yes, because the Giants staggered into the playoffs and also I was on the road with Joel Murray I'm in a improv group with him and he's you know, the biggest Cubs fan in the world So I had someone I could root for that, you know, when the Cubs beat the Giants, it was like fine I watched I watched a few of those games It's uh, it's just amazing to me how I went from knowing

The only one I did not there was two sports. I could not talk to you about ever And that's hockey. Yeah, I don't know anything about nothing about hockey. I went through a few games seemed interesting And college football moved too fast for me It's too complicated. There was too many teams. There were teams that I zeroed in on and watched and then people would say No, I watched these guys and I'd watch but besides that I couldn't keep up with college football If it was on and I went at Leeds house or I'm at your house, I'd say put the fucking game What are we watching mother shit Anything is better than you know, when you're 19 anytime better than fucking division nine

You know could be anything better than what the fuck you're playing or whatever. So but now I know the tv service I have there's like so many games. They have high school football for gods Yeah, I don't know. It's just not as much of an obsession anymore. Like you say you kind of I don't know I don't know if it's getting older or what? I mean, if it's the Giants or the Niners, then I'm More interested and I go to a couple baseball games every year and I watch a few I still follow it but not

Like when I was first on the road 20 years ago or whatever There was a When you had to follow it in the newspaper Uh, you know, you get the paper in the morning and you read all the stats and read the standings and read all the game wrap-ups and then You know, then the sports center started and then you'd you know You could see all the baseball highlights, which you never could before you had to watch crappy local news Which would have two minutes of nothing

And now it's so much people are on their phone every second I don't know. My father was a compulsive gambler and the one thing he didn't that was sports sports was not his Horses he liked horses, but he he called sports betters bleeders Because you have to wait three hours To lose That's what I like about it a bunch of fucking bleeders horse races over in two minutes two minutes And you know exactly where you stay jack

And whether you're gonna play the next race But with sports, it's all day sunday all weekend and then you can you can really blow it out betting sports It's funny. I like gambling But I did not understand losing money And I did not understand working hard and giving half your check away quarters of it away I go to the track twice a year up here

I take 50 60 bucks with me. You got a bowl of chili a beer And when the 60 disappears you get your car and go home, right? But that's not a real hardcore gamblers. They're there they're there to be alive every day No, but I learned because I also went to the track and 1900 and all of a sudden lost and had to walk home Right. That was a horrible lesson for me as a young man And then sports betting It's a great idea where I'm from until you get in trouble with it. Right and then you gotta leave town for a few years And you know, hopefully they forget by that and they even won but once I got out of that shit

Once I left jersey in all those years. I probably put in 10 bets And five of them are six of them. I've been in Vegas Two of them have been here fucking around or whatever button down. No, no, no That's a horrible life to get involved. Uh, yeah on top of the drugs I was already doing I can't have 19 five drugs and gambling or You're gonna burn in hell for a long time. Yeah, you need a bankruptcy for the fucking bankruptcy What's up, wait, look at the shapey I'm doing okay. No, you're not. What's happening? I

Got a bad sweetie Look at the shape of you to me. Hey, what do we have? Don't worry about what we have at least Yeah, at least stay on your cell phone. What are the da's listening? They're coming to rescue you. You need that aggravation Do you like da's listening? They should have been here a while. Is this shuggle out live to the da? Yeah, live feed straight to the da. Yeah, I should think so at this point Can I ask you something if you don't want to talk about it? That's I understand. All right, lee But you were bob the builder. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Like I'll talk about bob the builder It's like I can't like

It seems like hot with the under fives To like it'd be like the star of the kid show. It's pretty cool. I got it years ago 10 years ago, maybe we did a 2004 2005 2006 it ended around there some more Uh, I went in to studio in london. There was a company called h it that used to make the show Uh, neil morrissey who's a british Actor was the british bob the builder and he had kind of a pal mccartney, you know northern He took like this, you know, it's well done. Wendy and uh I went in and I was doing all these funny voices and then a woman came over the speaker and she goes um

Uh, would you mind just doing it in your voice? And I said, are you insinuating that I have a funny cartoon voice? And she went well, if you wouldn't mind reading it again is yourself So I went well done. Wendy you reduced and you recycled and um, they were like come out and then This is the only time this ever happened to me jelly I went out into the studio and she goes Well, we've been having a chat and um Would you like to do it? Would you like to be bomb?

And I was like, oh, I'd love to that'd be fantastic. Terrific. Thank you. That's great I shook hands with everybody walked out the door on the phone immediately my voice agent in london Fucking call them back right now before they fucking think about it before they changed their mind Call them right now. They they just offered me the fucking part So I did it for years and I would fly to london and we'd record like a couple dozen shows And it was a studio in soho I would go around the corner to buy italian have coffee in the morning and then I go upstairs At lunch, we'd have curry or chinese food from a takeout, you know

It's a fantastic gig and then people would say to me it was craig Ferguson said it to me Well, why don't they just record it here? You know, why don't you just record it in LA and I'd go What do you mean? Why don't we record in LA? They're flying me and my wife to london a couple three times a year to record this cartoon They might be bugging me don't say that right and so we would get a trip to london. I put gigs with it you know and We went to the world cup. I remember with drew carry in 2006 to do a tv show for like discover and uh

I went and I did bob the builder and Our our engineer was a really nice guy that he had a bad day this day and um He erased an entire day's worth of recording right which was probably 16 shows, you know 16 20 cartoons and so I get a my agent rings me Um, could you come back to london? I'm like, well, I'm in the middle of kind of going to these football matches and I'm doing a tv show here And they're like, oh no, they're gonna pay you again for all of them Uh

The engineer we raced an entire day's worth of recording and you've got to come back and into it So I was flown from frankfurt. I think To london and I went and did one day And I same engineer or was it? No, they fired him He was in house. He was really nice. I loved him. You won't see him though He came to ride he came to the show once uh, we were playing the comedy store with the improv group And uh, he came out to the show. He was oh, you're doing the show. You know, I know if I can say it So I'm like, I'll put you at the door for you, right? So he comes to the show

You know, I've been working with them all day doing bob and he As we say in the rat arsed. I mean he fucking You know, hey, man, how's it going? Fucking Like I was like, wow, honey, you put it on before, you know, like this is a two hour improv show And he was yeah completely rat assed and uh, so bob the builder was great And then they sold the company and that was that and but I did it for four or five years and uh It was really fun. The guy they had before me. I never liked and I don't know who does it now

Um, but people always go, well, we should do it again. It's like that's not how anything works. That's not how anything works Um But I really enjoyed doing it and we did a feature film too and that one we did from here that one I remember doing from here and susie quattro. Wasn't it? You remember susie quattro? Susie quattro was one of the voices in bob the builder and in the summer said I don't think she was wendy But she was like a cowgirl or something. She was a rock star in the 70s a glam star She made a big in england and then she came back to the states and was leather tuscadero. Was it on happy days or something? She was from detroit. She was just a rocker girl from who was pinky tuscadero

There was pinky and I think leather was her sister. Yes, and that's susie quattro. But uh, Yeah, so bob the builder. Thank you for asking Uh, so people go will you do the bob the builder voice and i'm doing it. This is the bob the builder voice The only difference would be I go lee Well, dan you recycled Thank you. And they go and then so because it was a british cartoon and we were doing it for north america Uh, they lived in a caravan. So I go, you know, that's a trailer And they would drink tea and i'm like, no coffee, you know

And every once in a while something would slip through and they'd have rewritten it for north america and I'd go We don't say bits We say parts part of it They they say, oh, you know bits and that it's like, um, we go I have a part this part goes here And every once in a while I'd have to go like if you wanted to sound like americans talking We go i'm going to the trailer to get some coffee not i'm nipping over to the caravan for some tea or whatever, right?

So I would say like, you know, we can't say this and then especially in construction Right and he's he's a he's a construction worker. And then there was I can't remember the valley they lived in I can remember some of the names Uh, muck was one of the characters and skeep and uh A bucket a water bucket in england is sometimes called a but but but and one of the episodes I said to my wife was like a porn episode mux water but Uh, but it just meant mux water bucket and shit and then uh

so, uh, they would play it for me with the english version And that was what I recorded to We all came in separately and the other actors in it were all canadian in general In london when they can't find americans to do american voices They use canadians because canadians sound enough like us to do it And and star wars too Me and scott capuro or both from san francisco They used us because they wanted they recorded in london

But they wanted the pod race to have american voices And i'm doing bad ron fairly if you remember ron fairly played for the dodgers played for the expos He was the giant's announcer in the 80s and he was incoherent and uh Ron fairly guys. Oh, here comes mark grand out of the way. No scratch that that's uh That's mark davis like you would get players confused and sure like that, you know And mark davis was left-handed and mark grant was right-handed and you're like, how did you count when they're out there throwing? So when I went into the star wars one, they're like do an announcer voice. So I just went like Wow, what a day it is here today. Like because that's how ron fairly did it

Yeah, I remember you know, we'd uh, we go have beers with the Sandy cofax was a heck of a guy and you know, like he would just go off. Yeah, so Like cubs cubs fans always do uh, harry carry harry carry, right? Like there's 500 comics camp camp uh, nara in particular well known for his harry carry, but um Every chicago cubs fan. I know can do harry carry I don't do a very good one, but uh, maybe no, but I so I did a baseball now for that one, but um, yeah Thank you for asking about bob the builder. I don't mind talking about it all I people would go like did you like doing and it's like they'd fly me to london and then we'd have like curry at lunch

Like what what do you mean? Did I like it and all you had to do is read scripts? You know and do a fucking do the thing. Yeah, and then camera and I work fast and I like to work fast I'm sure you do too. Yeah, so and the producer was cool and we had the same taste in music So in between breaks we'd talk about music and shit and uh, he was a musician authority musician He was recording cartoons for a living and da da da We would knock off They would schedule two full days in the studio And we'd be done in like a day sometimes or a day and a little bit of a morning and then I was free

But you'd be booked out for like three days and like I'd do it all in a day day and a half Because you know if you work fast and just put your head down And of course every take they're they're signing off on every take. They're not Although I will tell you one about star wars when we finished it in 90 whenever that movie came out 96 or 97 We were brought back in uh to studio in london And I'd recorded in london and this and that And uh, I went in and there was a phone patch and there was a guy in marin at lucas film on the other end of the line And they played the pod race and I did all the lines over again

And you know how when you're recording something they go, okay Do it again and hit this part of the line and make this part good and da da da da da Fucking I go when does the picture open and the guy on the other end goes 10 days so I read the line Well, yeah, that's gotta hurt or whatever and they're like fine moving on right and one pass one pass One pass on everything

Their picture was opening literally in 10 days and they were getting last fucking that's how they do it And this picture how much did the picture cost a zillion? I mean now it would have cost a million zillion, but then it cost a zillion dollars That's what I was amazed about uh going back to bob the builder that you could do an entire season in a day And they wouldn't have rewrites every two like two minutes But these had already been done and they were already british cartoon So I was voicing them over for re-release in canada and united states So all the pbs stations and or whatever, you know, cbc what not? I don't know where it showed in canada, but like the north american market

required american voices In their mind and so it was fine And I I I loved doing it and I would do it again in a second I don't get to do enough cartoons I know now I sound like a mr. Showbiz. I'm just telling me so you asked and I thought well, fuck it listen, man One of the things that's always attracted me to you like Was you ever watched it departed? There's a great scene the movie departed. Well, he asked me another caprio jack Nicholson that far

He knew who john lennon was And he goes, you know lennon says you could he could take a tuba and get something out of it I Always thought that as comedians We should always be more versatile I always believed that when I see a guy who's doing that I admire him for going outside the box Because there's so many guys that just right

Go on the road and that's it And they worked that angle That would just kill me If that was it that that'd be like getting the fucking diamonds We'll just go to new york and carry a brown bag and it's the same fucking difference my friend It's the same fucking difference I could just go to the funny bone in memphis so many times before you want to put a gun in your fucking mouth You try to split it up and then as you chicken wings in the dress room the friday night led show

Right, and then as you go while you're doing the radio as you get a wiser and older you go You know what this is like a fucking loan shark I got to milk these clubs for everything they got instead of going every 18 months I'll go every two years and I make a biggest splash. You just learn how to milk your fucking money, you know but I like that that you could do a voice over And call somebody and go, you know when I got to cancel that weekend perkepsi Yeah, that's heaven when you get so

I'll call you next year and it's healthy to do from time to time to let people know you got them in check You know i'm saying sometimes you got to keep these club owners in check whenever I have a great time but it's so I would die if all that was calmly And the last couple years that guy do the podcast because it wasn't how it used to be five years ago for me I would book a film for six weeks And that's when you call everybody and go scratch that date. Sorry charlie I'm focusing on this film even if it wasn't a ton of money. It didn't matter to me

I took that break just because I take that break Trust me by the second week you start bringing a notebook on this set And writing little jokes and shipping until then it's a nice little cleanse, you know, you need that I never liked I like people who have different things going on. I could tell they're more creative Well, I got lucky with a bunch of stuff too. But yes, it really helps. No, but you at the right place at the right time Even when they offered it to you could have turned it that voice over because I can't do voice over He's got the wrong guy You know somebody call me for a voice over. I didn't know what to do. You're like, are you fucking crazy jack?

Like I just did mafia three And then my first little live action voice blew my mind. Well, I like to do it again. Uh Yeah, I like that. It wasn't bad because I do it every day It gets on your fucking nerves. Well, there's people who do do it every day Uh, oh please and they fucking carry suitcases to the bank like Tony Montana They finally get studios in their houses Those are the ones that really rocked my mind. The ones that say, you know what? I just bought a house right and I do it all from here

I got a studio right from the back. So I go in there in the morning. I read I email them the files And I remember dirty that said it's over. Those are the guys. They're just geniuses. Yeah Did you see nightmare before christmas? Uh The oh look he's living it. You know what I'm saying? He's gonna have to eat an edible every day before His eyeballs are gonna be fucking red. I eat an edible every day regardless Are you talking about like the one That it was an older one like in the 90s or 80s. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes. I did see that one

I didn't know if there was a new one No, they haven't remade it Well, I got lucky this year and last year and uh, denny elfin did we did it live at the hollywood bowl So I got to do that over halloween and that was really fun. What was that? Joey it was like being in an opera man. That was like, uh There's a full orchestra on stage 20 people in the chorus. There was five singers I was one of them because I was in the movie and um And danny who had done the music and everything he came on saying katharine o'hara pewee herman

Ken page it was and so they'd show the film then they stop it and they'd introduce a number and then everybody come on and sing it And full orchestra and so we do rehearsals with just us and then you'd rehearse with this fucking symphony orchestra and i'm in front of all the strings and the cellos are behind me and everything and you know it just Comedy is fun and comedy is worthy and I love doing comedy and it's you know the emotional core of my life But getting to do something like that. I felt like I was in fucking rigoletto. You know what I mean like

It's just this giant undertaking and they're showing the movie and the crowd's going crazy And there's 18 000 people there because it's the hollywood bowl and million kids, you know and everybody's dressed up and stuff and Uh, they asked me this year. Will you host the costume contest before the show? Last year they had a dj or somebody do it like a little girl Had to be a little girl, but I mean a young woman dj from like disney channel or something And uh, of course, she's not funny You know, you got you're parading a bunch of people up in fucking just like all the characters from nightmare And uh, so I said, yeah, I'd love to

I I go before the show. I'm sitting downstairs. You know what I mean? I'm not doing anything an hour before the show Let's put my costume on early And I go up and all these people in these elaborate fucking outfits, you know dresses skellington jack or Or wednesday adams or whatever the fuck, you know Uh monsters from beetle juice little beetle a little kid four-year-old kid gets up And he's dressed as beetle juice and I go, what's your name? And he goes Jack and I'm like jack and he goes, um, you know, and he pulls him in and what is it? He goes Jack

And I go, you're gonna do a lot better in a few years with jack than you are with jack man Let me tell you that and then he pulls me down. I go, what is it? And he goes Have I won yet? Now how long was this whole process at the hollywood bowl? Well, we rehearsed for like a two or three times, uh, at various places the year before we did costume fittings and all that And and then we did three nights at the hollywood bowl Um, and the year before we did two nights at the hollywood bowl Uh john massieri, who's the conductor of the hollywood bowl orchestra was the conductor

And I was posted up like where lee is is where the conductor was on the podium with the baton And I was right here. So yeah, he would look over like you'd be coming on and he go When you're apart, yeah, right at you and uh I missed my cue hideously one night, of course And uh, then the next night I got it right and I said to him after we were having a beer I was it knees like that was exciting wasn't it the first year we rehearsed We're all chattering because we're idiots and I was with singers. These are real I'm getting anxiety. Just listen to you right now. I was real like breathing. I had to sing with real singers

I'm seeing blood right with singers right? I couldn't even imagine Looking over at a fucking conductor tap tap tap tap Joey feeling the energy from a orchestra on my neck Playing horns and violins Especially at the hollywood bowl the way the sound goes out because my wife used to work there So we'd go there for all the pink panthers and all this stuff like that and I was always amazed how this song I would always go thank god. I'm not an heroine right now Thank god. I'm not an acid right now. That would have been a big fucking mistake. You know It uh, I couldn't imagine doing what you did right now until I started yakking at you

I was going down and it felt like I was bleeding like why am I feeling this way am I bleeding from That's how much anxiety I was getting from you just saying you know We rehearsed and uh, I got it wrong a few times this time and all the singers had remembered it from last year And they wrote us an email and like do you need a new book and I remembered I had the book right it's the music book with all the lyrics and and I can't read sheet music So it's no fucking good to me like the words, you know the tune I had to memorize You know play the songs over and over Uh, because I can't read sheet music and of course, the singers in the show are that's what they do for living

They sing so they can read if you give them a sheet of music, they'll go La la la la la la la la la la, you know, and then oh, no, no, no I need to diminish fifth and then on the second bar. I need you to um You take the high part and you take the low part and I want you to do a low seat and they go And I'm like, huh, you know So, but it wasn't as complicated as all that, but the first year we were in the rehearsal room at Warner Brothers with a giant orchestra and we were yapping and John Misery, the conductor went like this.

And it hadn't happened to me since I was a little kid, he didn't say a word and even look at us. He didn't say a word, he just went like that. Like we were children, right? And I, all five of us just had attention, you know, because we were blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you know, they're trying to do something. And that one made me like, oh, you know, focus, Greg, focus, this is a different game. This is a fucking different game.

There's 200 people in this room. Yeah, this isn't. And you're pulling attention towards yourself right now with jokes. This isn't, this isn't fucking, this isn't, you know, the, the problem I saw as soon as I moved to LA. And I always spoke about this was going on a set and in baseball, when I first moved here, one of the biggest blessings I got was in those days, when you got two days on the film, it was really 32 days because they go out, we don't know what we're going to put

you seeing. Just come in tomorrow. So I saw people go in there and I forget the comic that went in there when he left like they applauded. They couldn't wait for him to leave. Cause he was directing, he was a writer, you know, let me write the scene for you the right way. And I always learned from watching that to shut my fucking bio where even when people

come over, I, yes, I mean, no, they're paying me. This is not stand up. This is not. Don't be the center of attention. Yeah. This guy's paying me to be part of, you know, again, we're talking about Hollywood situations. Remember your lines. The last.

The last 18 months, Greg, I've been getting anxiety at the store. So as I walk into the original room, been going there for 20 years this February, so as I walk up the stairs, I look at the stage, my heart fucking whatever. Okay. So that was one thing I did it a few times. I just breathe through it by the time I hit the stage, I'm fine. I did the God damn comedy jam. Have you done it yet?

A lot of fun. Same thing. Went up there confident as fuck as I was walking onto the stage out of my right eye. I could see all these people jumping up and down. I just had to look at the drummer and sing to the drum. And when I did turn around, my, just my heart stopped. You know, I was like, what the fuck? That was fine.

I did the Wiltern Theater a couple of weeks ago. I almost fell apart right first two minutes. I was out of it. Yeah, yeah. I was like, Joey, breathe through this shit. You know, you're talking about going up at the Hollywood fucking bowl, singing with an orchestra behind you. I'm sitting here going, I would die at this point in my life.

Maybe 10 years ago, 10 years ago, I could definitely fucking do whatever the hell I wanted to. And that's, I fucking hate talking about this shit. The longest yard is on constantly. And every time it's on, I catch the beginning or I catch one particular scene. You ever, you ever, you have HBO? Yeah. All four of them.

Yeah, I am. And you leave the house and Spider-Man is on. Right. And it's always up to a certain point and you always leave at that point. And then you come back the next day, it starts from that point. You're like, what the fuck's going on in my life? Yeah. Whenever I see the longest yard, now I don't know what's on.

I put on like something 245 to see if the law and order is on. And as I'm scrolling, it's on a comedy center, a 20 afternoon. Yeah. And it's always the first scene that I pop out in the second scene where I really have lines. Okay. And every time I look at that scene, I have to switch it because I get so much anxiety thinking about doing that scene for the first time for everybody.

Like me getting to Albuquerque, me getting to Santa Fe, me rehearsing, me working out with the team, all that shit in that dick compared to like, they were Monday, six AM. And all of a sudden, oh, by the way, you're the first scene on Monday. Group and Michael Irvin and all these football players and camera guys and Adam Sandlin, Chris Rock, you know, and I wasn't doing blowy. And when I got to Albuquerque, I said, I'm Santa Fe, I'm not coppin' blow. I broke down the sixth week.

I'm not going to lie to you, but the first three weeks, I want to just to look good and be healthy, you know? But I look at that scene now, Lee, and I get anxiety watching that scene. What scene was it? The one in the beginning. Well, what is it? Do you know what? I'm desperate to use the bathroom instead of terrible things.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I got to do some shout outs. All right, go ahead. Go do your thing. You know what scene it is? It's the scene when. Can you fit around me? I can.

You're beautiful. It's the scene when he goes when I read the fucking board. Treehouse. Oh, OK, I got seen right there. As soon as I see that, my heart fucking stops. It beats heavy and I can't believe I had the balls to do that. And I try to think back at what the fuck I was thinking at that time that made me think I could do that scene because today, thinking about that scene,

I would quit right fucking there. Right that day when I would have walked on the set, I would have ran for the director and said, listen, sir, I hate to tell you this. There's no way I could fucking do this. OK, there is no way I could fucking do this. Why would you do that to yourself? Because that's the way my mind works. OK, what the fuck was I thinking?

I'm a fat felon from North Bergen, New Jersey, who robbed and stole. I can't believe when I got the call for that. And I can't believe when they called me and said I actually had it. Like I kept walking around thinking a fucking brick was going to hit me or something. So you didn't you didn't think that, like, since they chose you, like it was fine. I didn't know what the fuck I was thinking. We it doesn't really matter. That's how bad my anxiety like when I see that scene, my fucking heart stops.

No, anyway, Joe Perez gets a shout out. Bob Lingus and his family gets a shout out. Tommy Easter, making a comeback out of the fucking hills and shit. Lorne Rosenka, my man, Rod McFadden, Ronnie Archer, Dom De Niro, John Cutler, Todd Lightly and John Petrowski. I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget this weekend, Portland, Oregon and shit. The party starts Thursday night eight o'clock.

Don't fuck around. I don't want to hear no tears and tears for fees and all this shit. And don't forget Coxuckers, CISO TV. You're basically 10 days away from my first special. I'm happy you got my back. All you got to do right now when that podcast ends, go to CISO TV. Do your email, do the code and do a code name Joey and get two months for free. You're helping me out.

So do me that favor and call your mother. Give her the fucking code. Call your sister. Give her the code. Call your brother. Give her the code. Call anybody the fuck you know. All right. And while I got your ear right now, real quick, I want to tell you

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Go to hello to sheet.com right now. I'm going to give you 10 percent off. All right. Right now today, 60 day guarantee. And also they got the gold tushy towels. When you finish, it wipes your little fucking muffler spotless. Nobody knows nothing. There's no fingerprints. And the same. What are you staring at me like that?

This last church held is your home last church. Hello to sheet.com slash church. All right, Mr. Proops, get in here. Let's close this motherfucker up. You're a little bit more involved. What's going on in the world? Squash squish. I got to lose some anyway. Oh, Joe, it's always a pleasure with you and me.

It's always a fucking pleasure seeing you. I'm happy that you're working. I was happy to hear about the Hollywood Bowl. That shit makes my dick hard, man. You know, these people just tap out and they go one direction. Listen, you got to we work in eight fucking things here, a podcast. We're working the road career. We're trying to get a TV show going.

We're trying to have a book, whatever the fuck we got. You got to work it from a direction until they put us in the casket. That's it. Well, there's no retiring. Now, what are you going to do once you once you stop using it, brother? You lose it. That's it. It's all over. Then your leg starts going, your little feet start going. I'll find somewhere to crack jokes.

There's somebody who always give me 25 bucks to tell him a few jokes. They have a drink. I have a fucking diet coke. They think I'm really drinking. You know, I'm saying old school style. Working at least I am. What do you got planned this weekend, Lee? Fucked Uncle Joey. What's the adventure this weekend? You going to go horseback riding? No, maybe.

There is this pretty cool vintage arcade in Pasadena that I might go to look pretty fun. And I hate that. I don't hate nothing. I just like what you do. I'm interested. You're such an interesting fellow. We're going to have this weekend. You sit there. You think of all these things. You know what? I've been to a arcade in 30 years.

Maybe I go to a fucking arcade this weekend. It's cool to own free play. Hold on. Let me let me help this and see if there's an arcade in the area. Oh, what a coincidence. It's fucking Arcadiaville up there. Even better. There was a Groupon, so. Did you go? Look at you. Hell yeah. He's a victim of youth. I love the little things.

The little things. It's everything's out of this fingertips. Everything's yelp. You don't take a chance. Right. Everything is yelp. He believes strangers. Yeah. He listens to strangers, but he won't listen to his Uncle Joey.

You know what I'm saying? Ain't that a bitch? Some guy in Yelp, he's never met thousands. All the Popeye's chicken, this fucking model, go down and get the Popeye's chicken. You were the one who told me to get Popeye's chicken. I did not tell you to get Popeye's chicken. I'm not talking about Popeye's chicken.

It's just a fucking example. All right. I didn't tell you to get Popeye's chicken. Why? I told him to get Popeye. He goes on to get three buckets. I didn't tell you to get Popeye's chicken. I don't get three buckets. I get the spicy ones. OK.

This is why I live with the understanding. This is why I live with the pizza rev. I don't know what to do no more. What else you got going on, brother? You traveling? You doing Yuck Yucks? Oh, yeah. I'm in Yuck Yucks. And then I'm back and we're going to show the apartment over at the Senate family on December 7th.

The Great Groups Film Club. That's a great picture with Jack Lemon and Shirley MacLean. Old school, brother. Oh, yeah. Old school. Oh, you're like me. Teaching the kids, baby. That's a lot of teaching. And then in, let's see, then in London,

if your listeners have London on the 14th, they'll be at the Comedy Store with the Comedy Store players on the 17th, they'll be at the Soho Theatre. Then I'll be at Shakespeare Company in Paris on the 20 something, someone there. I don't know, even that's a live show. I don't know if we're just going to do it in a room and drink. And then back in San Francisco for New Year's.

For New Year's weekend and podcast then, too. Where you at New Year's Eve? San Francisco Punchline. With great with great service. No, with me. Just to, oh, you have to punchline. Yeah, punchline. They're at Cobbs, probably.

They do the whole poem. Yeah, yeah. There's Cobbs across like a mile away. Polariously, as you know, San Francisco's so small. The clubs are like literally five minutes from each other. I'm a punchline guy. I'm with you. We've had this discussion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cobbs is big and it's not. They wanted me to do it again.

They push it every fucking time. Listen, Cobbs is available. The 26, you'll make a ton of money. Listen, I like the little room. You have to fucking punchline. Leave me to fuck alone, move on with your goddamn life. It's my home. It's my home. Me too. No, no, no, I love it.

Last New Year's, I improvised the whole set. I didn't like to go out of my way and tell anyone. I just got up there and did it because I was tired of hearing my material. One and two. Is that the album? Oh, I meant, yeah, I made that one the year before. Why did you still get the record?

Did you deal with some novices? No, no, no. But last year instead of, you know, I just thought, well, I'll just get up there and riff. And you know, the clock was there and the decorations and everything. So, you know, that was a lot more fun. It was a lot more fun.

Then trying to, you know, 10 minutes till New Year's, people aren't focused anymore. They want that, you know, then it's New Year's. And you're going up there trying to sell your material. Right, you know, you know, come on. So... You're actually fucking sick of. Yeah.

That's the concept. People never, never get that. You're like me. You love to write. You switch shit up. You take a chance at the beginning of your set. Sometimes you bury yourself. I love all that shit in the set.

I can't go out there and do the same set just to have a great set. I gotta take chances. Sometimes I'm down the dark street and I gotta work myself out of it. That's what 25 years comes in, you know. My first 16 months in the business, I realized after three months

that it was very hard to write a new five minutes every week. You know, my first year in the business, I thought I was actually, oh yeah, I'll write five minutes every week. Every Tuesday, I'll have a brand new five minutes. We'll fucking surprise Jack. So I'd improvise, and I learned. But it took me a long time to make the switch over

to stand up comedy. I would just go on stage, do one or two jokes, and start with what do you do for a living. Yeah, right, right. And it gets fucking old. Yeah. It's a 50-50, you're not a comedian. Anybody can do that shit.

Until one day I got serious in Seattle to the contest and I stopped improvising. And I don't improvise at all. Like I improvise on stage. But to go on stage and talk to the audience, I can't do that no more. Oh, I never talked to a crowd. I'll move that motherfucking train fast if it happens.

But for so long, I was depending on it. What a horrible crutch to have. And when you see somebody doing it, when you go to do a show and you see somebody doing it, it makes you think when you were doing that shit, you're like, God damn it. Years ago, Tom Sawyer, who ran the old cobs in San Francisco, said to me, I was probably opening at the time,

you can't follow yourself. And I said, what do you mean? He goes, you do your jokes, then you go into the crowd and you work the crowd for 10 minutes. And then when you come back to your jokes, everybody can smell your material. And that's not that funny. Like, you know, he didn't get on me for it.

He just said, what time it was. Right, right. He said, you can't follow yourself. You gotta write more material that's about this and that. And I went, you're right. I'm relying so hard on where you're from, when you're an idiot, and it was like, and so then I just stopped talking to the crowd entirely.

You know, Lee said that he only met people that smoked pot. It's so weird when I was doing coke, I would bump into somebody somewhere in every town that miraculously had a grandma on them. You attract it. You always say to yourself, how come with heroin? People with heroin don't bump into me. It's so weird when you improvise,

pretty soon people smell it on you, and they start chatting up before you even get there. That's where it turns sour on you. They're pretty soon. It's not that you're known for improvising. You just give off that vibe that allows them to come in. Right, which you don't want, which you don't want. That takes years to develop, guys.

That's a pretty hard muscle to portray a body language, where if you do say something at me, I don't hear it. And to boot after three or four times, they just give up. They just go, this guy is not gonna react to us at all, unless we light ourselves on fire. We're just gonna give up. It's so weird. It's such a weird muscle to get that confidence,

to let your body language know. I don't wanna hear what you got to fucking say. Unless I talk to you, then you speak. Until that fucking time, don't fight and say, I don't address people much. No, it's really weird. I wanna do what I wanna do up there. It's funny when you move to LA.

That's the first thing they say to you. And I'll never forget, I had a dear friend from Texas, good comic, worked hard, came up here a little too soon for his time, and at that time I had a room in Brea. Listen, every new comic needs a hundred bucks, you know? Right. So I called him up, I said,

what are you doing Wednesday? You wanna come down to Brea and do the good? Absolutely. He had bailed me out a couple times at gigs. He went down there, I'll never forget this. This had to be like the first Wednesday after Christmas. He went down there, he got on stage. First, he did that Texas stuff.

I wanna thank the troops. Oh yeah, here in Brea, California, they don't even know. And I saw that strike, and then he did two or three jokes. He did okay, he had them, but he started improvising. And when he got off that stage, two, maybe three days later, there was an emergency in Texas, and that was fucking six or seven years ago,

like they couldn't take me to transition. Like it was unthinkable. You know, it's such a weird beast comedy, especially the way you're doing it, because you do so many different things. So everything that you do adds to that art. Like right now, one thing I am good at,

like I'm okay at stand-up, but do you know what I realize I'm really good at now when I do it? I can act my ass out. Like I know my lines, I know where to stand, I know how to fucking block. I don't say nothing. I go prepared.

I gotta look at the room while they're shooting some mounts, I look at the speed, they're moving, you can gauge shit. And I see myself now, and I'm like, wait a second, next time I do something, I gotta ask for more money, because I'm fucking good. That's just people that are fucking up, they're coming in here with wrinkled shirts.

They don't know anything about anything. I always tell Lee that I did a soap opera years ago, and if I hadn't had the experience I had from the years of being here, I would have got fired the first day. That's the heart of your soap opera? No. The hardest thing I've ever done.

Right, you gotta learn a million lines. No, they got teleprompters, but it's like nobody talks to you. Right. You do, where's my line? Where they show you on, right? What's the name of the show? Who's line is it anyway? Who's line isn't, where's your line?

Who's line isn't anyway? You get there, you show your identification, they tell you where to park, you walk out, there's an AD who comes up to you. How you doing, Mr. Proups? Hi, you're in locker room 3B today, and they walk you in, and also another guy, Greg Proups is there, and also have a good day,

bye-bye, and also another guy comes and gets you, and they walk you to your thing, and they go, you hungry, Mr. Proups? And you go, yeah, what's on the menu today? There's a ham and egg sandwich, how take them? You take the sandwich, and all of a sudden you lock the door, you put your bag down, and you, hi, hi, what's your,

we're gonna hang this here for you, but go ahead, take your time, eat breakfast, whatever, we're not shooting yet, and they close the door, and you get the phone, and you're about to call your wife, hi, hair and makeup, don't forget, eat your breakfast, we'll come get you, okay, you close the door, but they're involved, okay? Right there, you had involvement,

they all come fucking back, and they dress you, and they look at your shirt, and they say, okay, you're seeing 16A, you're gonna block, and then you're gonna put wardrobe on, let's do it this way, and that's all you're shooting today, okay, that's it, at least you had guidance. When you do a soap opera, the time I did it, I did General Hospital, called time eight o'clock,

and what was weird was when I got it, my agent called, and then somebody called me from there, and they're like, listen, you're coming at eight, you outta there by 11 o'clock, I'm like, this person's never shot television. That's what I said to my son, I'm like, I got two scenes, and I'm gonna be outta there by 11, and there's three, there was like six scenes in front of me.

Yeah, of course. I'm like, good luck, I'll be outta there by 11, honey, I'm not gonna see you till like 10 o'clock, though, I'm gonna get banged today, really. I walked in there at eight o'clock, bro, and it says, on set eight 14, by eight 14, motherfuckers rehearsed for one minute, it was by the clock, right?

I mean, Greg Brooks, you looked at your sheet, and the time at 10, you're gonna be on set at 10.38, and your first fucking line's gonna be at 10.41, you bet your ass, that computer was moving with or without you, and by the time this scene popped up, there was a teleprompter in your fucking room, there's two teleprompters, you check in, and they give you a slip, and they go room 38,

and that's it, that's the last human you encounter, Greg Brooks, that's a scary situation. Room 38, what's 38, room 38, you never know what 38 is, 38, and you walk to 38, and there's clothes in there hanging up, there's no fucking woman in there waiting for you, there's clothes hanging up, and there's a script, and there's a contract, and you fill it out,

and it tells you, people who are in scenes 22 to 28 come out to the thing in five minutes, you go out there, people shake your hand, hi, how are you, nice to have you on the set, you're playing who, sin, bad, okay, let's rehearse it, boom, boom, boom, boom, okay, thank you, you go, you get your egg sandwich, you eat it, you drink your little cranberry juice,

you put your little fucking suit on, and you watch that teleprompter in your room, and there's a teleprompter of what's going on on stage, and there's a teleprompter of the scenes, and when they want you out there, and it's no fucking, nobody comes in that room, it says, Jesus Christ, Greg Brooks, it's intimidating as fuck,

and all of a sudden it goes, scene 48, let's say you're in scene 51, it'll go 51, come to the stage, that quick, Greg Brooks, you walk on to the stage, all of a sudden somebody comes out, does final fucking touches, okay, blah, blah, blah, they wipe your shoes, whatever's gonna be in the scene, scene 51, places, scene 51, scene one, take one, action, boom, boom, boom, Greg Brooks, no, Joe Diaz,

okay, fuck you, no, fuck you, if you fuck up on your line, it's not start the scene over, no, pick it up from right there, fuck you, fuck you, action, cut, thank you, we'll see you back here for 54, that's how for, don't even leave, just go to the corner, that's cameras everywhere in a wall, and all of a sudden you walk off,

and all of a sudden the other team, and all of a sudden come on back, and all of a sudden ready, action, pop, pop, pop, pop, if you fuck up, pick it up from there, pop, pop, pop, thank you, have a great weekend, you look at your clock, they were a minute early dog, you wrapped at 11, 11, and that's how fast,

you went to your room, you took your clothes off, you left it there, there was no thank you, there was no have a good weekend, great to have you, oh my God, your scene was phenomenal, nobody says dick, dick, you leave there, like what the fuck, but the only thing that bails us out is our comedy experience, that's what really at the end, I always thought bail me out of those situations,

I don't know why, I don't know if I'm just, boy you have the confidence to be yourself too, and stand there and be something, and make a decision, you gotta make a decision. He's a seasoned actress, I'm an asshole, I took six weeks of classes out of other trouble, and two more with that guru on fucking LeBrayer, I know nothing, these people went to Juilliard,

and they were in program when they did four years of college, and all of a sudden I'm the asshole that walks in, and these guys, the people I saw on the set of whatever, I had seen before, the guy that played the head mobster, I grew up on that guy on something, this guy just wasn't no Johnny come late, I think he's still under, you follow me Lee,

you gotta cover every fucking base. I feel you buddy. You're 28 years old, if you didn't learn anything from this podcast tonight, my man Greg Groups cover every base, he plays chess, he sings, he dances, he does stand up, he's a writer, he's a dad, he's a husband, what the fuck are you gonna do with your life Lee?

You gotta go? Yeah. Do your thing, happy holidays, I'm just gonna read two ads, anything you need to promote, whatever you want. Podcasts, great, Smartsman in the World, on iTunes or greggroups.com, and all my gigs are on there too, and come and join us in our fine adventures around the world.

Always a pleasure seeing you. Thanks for having me on baby. I'm just gonna run two ads, I'm getting out of here myself, I got shit to do, and people to see, where were we, cock suckers? We talked about Tushy, we talked about, we spoke about- Am I getting up or am I?

Yeah, whatever you wanna do. So, we spoke about hellotushy.com, tremendous, okay? Now I got something for you that you like, oh shit, I almost lit this on fire. I gotta be careful here and shit. Listen dawg, I'm like you guys, I don't read a lot of magazines, but I like reading them from time to time.

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You know, I got your back, get my back. Have a great weekend. We'll talk to you next Monday morning, all right? Stay black and beautiful. Sweet 배. Hi,ーー Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Bye. Bye. Bye. Beat down, brought the checkin' out, I'm bout to throw down Dinkin' hand, this shit that has you turked down A little city, chillin' in the North Bay

And this a safe, my boys don't play fool You're off your side and you know how the song goes In the back, zippin' purple chongos Don't look for trouble, but it always seems to find us 40 griffin' panties zippin' and it seems to pop behind us Quick lap, one blow KO Here's the road to the next episode In the saga of a few fellas

Oh, what the hell, I guess I better tell ya It's Friday night, I got a brand new kit on I fed the heap for me to get it on Here's the country cop to pick up in L.A.U.X. Back to the hotel I've been tellin' ya, won't just do a pipe work Johnny Z had his hand up on my skirt A lot they in the corner started to flirt

And I knew that when she saw me, baby girl was gonna chop Set foot or not, so I took her to my ride Grabbed my Mickey and my brother and I met her outside Who ride grass, trackin' through to be seen I left his 400, turnin' triple those zips Acid in my bottle, so I gotta get some more Put the pedal to the metal, back to the liquor store Cause you know what it mean

While I'm feelin' kinda funky I said plonky, straight goin' junky Money in my sock, Jimmy in the glove Laying in the lockers, I'm about to make good love And burn rubber, up the block Back to the telly, I gotta get some new cop New cop, new cop, new cop, new cop, new cop, new cop, new cop I know what could it be, I just got a page in a row, I wanna do me

Hooked it up, tore it, made me at the hotel She had a phone, with her, so I called T.L. So moved me up, Sally wanted me dick And my lip, they'll try and make it real quick Man, what's this motherfuckin' shit? Oh yeah, I jumped in the air train But wait a minute, we gotta hit the stope, man I got to get some gum and some tic-tacs

Two tall cans in a packet of black jacks We got the pills, now we're headin' for the hook, damn They go to telly, so fella wants you slow, damn Park the ride in the front like a sick one Just in case, we gotta bust a quick one Lock the loaders, we'll look for like 1-18 But lay low, cause I really don't wanna be seen It's the week hard, yeah, that's the right one

I got the black front and you got the white one So hit the like, man, I just might, man Try and throw this thing on night-end Get her so drunk, that she'll drop some mail So I can cut turp and hit another hotel Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Thank you for watching!