Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #436 - Ashley Barnhill

Episode Date: December 6, 2016

Ashley Barnhill, comedian, seen on "Maron" and "Drunk History," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.    MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 2 months for free.     Recorded live on 12/05/2016.
    

The Church of What's Happening Now is presented by Onit. This show is brought to you by MVMT Watches. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash church right now and you're gonna get 15% off of their amazing watches with free shipping and free returns. I have their black on black. MVMT Watches started just $95. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash church to get 15% off with free shipping. The show is also brought to you by Helix Sleep. Helix Sleep allows you to buy mattresses online that are customized for you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. Go to helixsleep.com slash Joey right now. Go there right now and get

$50 off of your order. That's helixsleep.com slash Joey. Helixsleep.com slash Joey. The show is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends high quality ingredients right to your drawer to make fresh recipes every week. Go to check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free by going to blueapron.com slash Joey. That's blueapron.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Kick that mule Lee. It's Monday. We got to get the bad spirits out of this fucking office. Get this party started. Monday December 50th you fucking animals. You got 19 more shoplifting days. Oh shit. Kick it Lee. Kick this mule. I want my ear

lobes blown out. Church of what's happening now bitches. Uncle Joey. Lee Syat. Ashley Barnhill. Miss Jackson if you ask him. I'm saying what? Oh shit. Oh shit. What's happening you bad motherfucker. It's a beautiful Monday or Tuesday whenever you get this. My girl Ashley Barnhill's in studio. My main little fucking Jewish friend Lee Syat's in studio. Hello. Yom Kapoor's coming up. It's creeping up on you Lee. I think Yom Kapoor's over. Just Hanukkah now. So what is Hanukkah? Hanukkah starts Christmas Eve this year. Oh shit. This is deep in the murky waters. This is what Jewish people have been

waiting for. Why? Because as a kid all you Hanukkah is usually before Christmas and you get all of it. It's all done and then everyone's excited for Christmas. Now we start Christmas Eve and we go for eight days of presents. We're gonna get presents on New Year's Eve. We're gonna start New Year with presents. We're gonna get a dick from me. I get eight days of presents I thought. You can wait ten fucking days and not get nothing. Why is it changed? That's insane. There's a different count. It's like a whatever calendar we're on. Trump is present. Everybody fucking changed. So it's eight days from the 24th that puts you where? I think the second right? The first or the second? See the traditional Cuban is from the 18th to the 7th of January.

The 7th is cash. There's the three wise men. They celebrate or you keep the tree up till the 7th the whole fucking thing and you celebrate the 24th big time. I'm putting an order in El Cochinito. I'm gonna get pork chunks. I'm getting like a hundred dollars worth of pork chunks. I'm gonna go down there in the afternoon. Get them some white rice and black beans. I'm gonna do it right. Becky's going to see her parents this weekend. I'm gonna give her some loot to stop and downy and get them to run a cameo. You know what that is? You know what that fucking is? The caramel fucking toffee shit they eat on Christmas Eve to run. T-O-T-U-R-R-O-N. You got to watch Salamundo and get the appetizers. I just don't watch it,

but it's been a long time since I had fucking to run on Christmas Eve. Is it do a lot of Spanish countries really go for Christmas Eve? Because that's the first thing I do is with Paula. Christmas is almost even nothing to them. It's all about Christmas Eve. And Italians go for the feast of the seven fishes, which it's fucking tremendous. Like I never really went to one until this fucking dude, this gangster Tommy Pinesi, when he said come on my house for the feast of the seven fishes. Let me tell you something. That was one of the biggest highlights of my life. Like for an Italian to invite you over to his house for that, because they'll invite you over for Thanksgiving and the other one, the Christmas

day one with the ziti and the whole fucking thing. But that's a silly thing. The night before, that's when they ate the eyeballs and fucking cursed their enemies. It's fucking tremendous dog. You got to be a part of that one time. And they eat pelts. What are pelts? These fucking fish that are like this big, but they deep fry them. So you just pick them up by the tail and just eat them like a fucking cat. And they got like seven different types of fish, clams, you know, whatever. I forget. It was a long time ago. He had me over two years in a row. So I felt very honored. It's very nice, you know, but some cultures, that's, that's it. It's the

night before with the Cubans. They kill the pig. It's a 12 hour real Cubans. It's a 12 hour fucking marination process. And while you marinate, you're boozing. That's, that's what it is. It starts early on the 24th. So let's say the 23rd, you stay up all night with the fucking pig, and you marinate them with that shit. What's that? Limon? What's that? It's the fucking other orange, the red orange, whatever. Blood orange. Yeah. The blood orange and something else. And moho, moho, this garlic thing, you just keep fucking rubbing them in, rubbing them in, rubbing them in.

Then you got to put it in the oven. It's like the whole day process, but that's part of the fucking tradition. And you're boozing and you got Spanish music and people dancing, people doing bumps, somebody passes out. But it's, that's why, because you pass out, then you wake up and you're still there, you know, so. What do you think? How does your family celebrate? We go out for Mexican food at this place called El Haro in San Antonio. Every Christmas Eve? Yeah. It's, I think the Mexican food restaurant in the country.

A tradition. Yeah. Okay. So you guys got a tradition. Yeah. Then Christmas day, you wake up and you stay home. Yeah. Or yeah, usually, hopefully my sister can make it, but if she doesn't, then sometimes we have it the day before, the day after, but. Now, your mom's a big time Italian. Yeah, they're very Italian.

So what do they cook on Christmas day? Give me the fucking menu. Well, my mom, I feel like she's never really liked cooking, so she defers it to my older sister. But yeah, like my family, Italian ones have like a meat market in San Antonio. So usually in October, we have this huge family reunion. That's like 200 people on this Padratis Ranch. So we all go out to this ranch and have half barbecue, half spaghetti and play bingo. Whatever. Whatever. I just, you know, when I was a kid, I went to a lot of people invited me to the house on Christmas Eve, you know,

in North Bergen, a lot of people were like, listen, swing by and you were like, but they really meant it. Swing by and they opened their house to you and you went over and you saw how they live and you're like, these motherfuckers got it going on on Christmas Eve. I got to come over here. There's some people that just go all out. There's some people that really keep it minimal, you know. Now, for the first time, I got a real family that I like. So I might as well fucking kick out the jams and go crazy, you know. You know, if it's just us three, who gives a fuck, you know.

Yeah. Cause usually it's just me, my sister, my older sister, my mom. So we don't, we're not really get into it anymore. It was always like, always a very tingeous, like my mom, I feel like sometimes would buy gifts just to make my dad angry. So there's always a huge fight on Christmas. So now we just eat Mexican food and go. We actually used to all dress up in green and go run around this like highway near my house as like some, I don't know, we'd always just go run.

You people are crazy motherfuckers. Yeah. And then one year we didn't run and my older sister started crying and was very upset. So we don't really talk about it anymore. No, we just, we just go run. My family never did that. It's like there's no turkey trot on Christmas that we just, Jesus Christ, get out of the house. Sometimes it's like 90 in Texas too.

So it's like, yeah, Christmas is always. I'm not sure I feel like. Fucking run. Jesus Christ, actually, Barnhill, what the fuck runs on Christmas day? I don't know on this day those fucking fat people jumping to the fucking seals with the ice cubes and shit in Long Island, don't they? The Polo Bates. Yeah, the Polo Bates.

But who the fuck goes for a run? That's not a bad idea. Going for a run on Christmas Eve, something different. I don't have a lot of fucking great childhood memories, man. Like, uh, like that type of family stuff. My mom was a little bit more off the cuff, you know. But there was one Christmas, man, two or three Christmases in a row that were fucking tremendous.

Like, like she had me really fucking fucked up in the head. Like all these kids are like, there's no Santa Claus. And I was like, I don't know, man. They pulled a fucking good one on me. I don't even see it coming. Like I was watching them for two days. Like you're fucking watching them. Like even Noah, who a magician and you're watching this motherfucker,

like I gotta watch this shit. I watched them and they still fucked my world up. I don't know how they did it till this day. And now they're dead, so I can't even fucking ask them. Like, how the fuck did you fuck my world up that day? The only way they could, because they were both with me at all times. So they gave the key to somebody else. Oh, to give your gifts.

Yeah. And in those days, we lived in 205 West Aviation. There was no fireplace. So what they did was they cooked like a Cuban meal and they left it on the stove. And somebody actually got black beans, white rice, pork, fried bananas and took bites out of everything. So it seemed when I came in, he jumped out the window

and they opened up the window and we walked in. It was cold and my stepfather was like, let's call the police. We had a burglar. Like they fucked me up. They really fucking sold it, man. They didn't do a lot of good things, but the fucking Christmases like they threw down.

Then after that, once I figured it out, they would just say, come here, what do you want for Christmas? And you go, I want this, this, this and this. And they give it to you. And that was it. Sometimes they even just gave me the cash together, which is even better. You know what I'm saying?

Which is heartbreaking. Like I would never want to give somebody cash. Go get yourself a gift. But it's weird that like it's almost turned into, I feel like a lot of people that I know are basically just shopping for themselves. That's what Black Friday and Cyber Monday has essentially turned into.

I think as adults just doing their own shopping list. Like my parents ask me every year what I want. And trust me, I love stuff, but I just, it's gone to the point where I feel weird asking for presents for my parents. And I don't really need anything. So I'm not going to ask them for a video game. I'm not six.

So I just, I just bought everything I wanted on Cyber Monday. Did you? Yeah, just pretty much. Yeah. Just Amazon and other websites. Like I think I got like $300 worth of clothes at old Navy for like 80 bucks or something weird. They all have amazing deals.

It's like, what happened with you when you're like, did you do buy yourself presents or not really? Fuck, listen. Have you been shopping with me? It's a fast situation. Oh yeah, it has to be. I try on one pair of pants and I get three pair of pants, different colors for that brand.

But I get one shirt that fits and I get six shirts like that. Sometimes I even get the same color. Like sometimes I get three of the same shirt because I don't want to go back up. The Fat Man store is up fucking to hunger. Okay. And it's a pain he has to go up there where the fucking jujitsu club is up there.

That's tough to get up there, man. You got to get off. You know, I have a Morton steakhouse. I got three, I got like $4,000 in gift cards. And I don't go up there because they're not open for lunch. And who the fuck's going to go up there after five? Do you know what I'm talking about? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. The mall up the, uh... Yeah, I've been there once. What's the name? They got, they got, they even got Red Robin there. The Woodland Hills, right? Woodland Hills, they're banging up there. They got Red Robin, dawg.

I don't know, last time you went to Red Robin, got a nice burger with steak fries. You know what me and my wife were talking about? I'm going to tell you guys something to your fucking faces. You know how picky I am now? I was picky 20 years ago. And I'm going to tell you what restaurant was fucking tremendous. You know who I gave thousands of dollars to?

Who? Chili's. Mm-hmm. And last night my wife and I were saying, I could go for Chili's and we're like, it's so fucking bad now. It's so fucking bad now. But when I moved from Colorado,

when I moved to Colorado, I was at Chili's five out of seven nights. It used to be good. All the fajitas, the soups, but the best thing they got, the best thing Chili's got is a top shelf margarita. They'll knock your fucking socks off. In 1983, they were making margaritas with quantro in those bitches. You understand me? Nobody was using fucking quantro back then.

And they were 450. And I was in college at the University of Colorado and I go to sell cars till nine. So me and six car salesman would go to Chili's. And I would drink three of those fucking things, do a blast of Coke. Forget about it. You couldn't fucking stop me, John. Yeah, like I've never had, like we never went to those places,

not going to chain places. Tremendous. You can't go to a Chili's now. No, I mean, yeah, I went there a lot in high school and college. Horrid. Horrid. It's cheap. Horrid.

Cheap. The food is cheap now. Like the ribs look like they just... I didn't know better. I was like, oh, these chicken tenders and honey mustard. 30 years ago, we would be sitting around. You smoke a joint. What do you feel like?

You know, let's go to get baby back ribs. Last time I ate the baby back ribs from there, I almost fucking died. They were so bad. Maybe 10 years ago that there's a movie theater. And in Sino, there's one. And right next to it, there's a movie theater. And it was, I don't even know how we got on fucking Chili's. I just wanted to get it out there because it had been fucking with me.

No, I always thought your parents were more deeper Italian. Like they were those Texas Italians and shit, but... Yeah, well, they came over from Italy and then went to Mexico and then came to Texas. So they've got like this Mexican vibe too. Like my family, the bold nurse have these Mexican spices that they sell everywhere. But yeah, I mean, my grandparents have all passed. And so we don't really see a lot of the family anymore.

But yeah, Christmas. Like, yeah, my mom always makes sure we have tons of gifts. Like we were brought a boyfriend home last year, but she'll put like promotional items. She gets from work and like our stockings are where I typed up a resume one year and she put it in my stocking as a gift. Like she just wants to make sure everyone has gifts. Just interesting.

But yeah, I just remembered too. Yeah, I guess we never really liked it that much because she'd buy my dad these shirts from Walmart. And she'd get them like extra, extra, extra large when he's clearly like a medium large. And my dad would always have like suits like Taylor and made and stuff. So she'd buy him these just knowing it like make him so mad. Just be like, what the fuck?

Why did you buy this for me? I think my wife gets like, I'm, she said to me the other day, she goes, well, don't buy a punching bag because I'm thinking of getting you a punching bag. Like I want a punching bag, but I don't want a punching bag. But if my wife gets me a punching bag, she's going to get me a fucked up punching bag. Like I want to hang it. She's going to want to get me the braces and shit where you have to roll it. I don't want that.

That takes too much fucking space. And you ought to immerse your cracker head on one of those beams. You know, so I always liked this time of the year. Like I don't, but I do. And one of the reasons who the people who growing up who made my fucking the Christmases were Italian people, like a bunch of them lived in the neighborhood and you go over and they'd always have some fucked up gift for you. You know, like I always have like a red, white and green Italian hat

that clearly wasn't for you, but they'll give it to you anyway. You know, so, uh, but we were talking about something at the beginning of the podcast. I had no fucking idea. I recently became a fan of yours. I saw you at the store and then I got a fucking email one day, Ashley Bono, who the fuck is Ashley Bono? I know fucking Ashley Bono. I know what the fuck it is.

And yes, outright, if you could feature and I said, yeah, I like the way you asked, you know, some people just fucking idiots and they just asked the wrong way. You just were precise and to the point. And I knew you were at the store. So I know you're at the store. That gives you a little leverage because I know you're a Marine. So you're one of us. So I have to help out of a store.

And then we worked on Austin and you were fucking phenomenal. And then you called and thanked me, which most people don't have the fucking class to do in today's economy. And you said that they headlined you. So you got something out of it. So yeah, that was huge for me, which really got my dick hard because that means it wasn't in vain. You know what I'm saying? So you really, really impressed me.

And I wanted to put you on the podcast because you do impress the fuck out of me. But now you drop a fucking bombshell on me that you were a part-time hooker. No, that you went to fucking Austin. First of all, you said to me that you went to UT Austin, which if you're a fucking football fan or just if you're a football fan or a woman fan, you know about UT motherfucking Austin. Okay. I mean, they don't even take ugly girls at that motherfucker. That's, that school is fucking hot chick central. Everybody knows that when you go to Texas, like you get to Texas like a regular,

the first time you go to Texas, you'll go, wow, these women are good looking. And then somebody will go, this ain't dick. Wait till you go to UT Austin, wait till you go to Austin and see that fucking town. And you go to Austin, you're like, what the fuck? They come from all, they're all beautiful. There's dirty chicks and there's clean chicks and even the chubby chicks are hot. I mean, it's just pure fucking heat. The Mexican chicks, the fucking redheads are hot.

It's just, and I had a friend and he used to, he used to take me down. He went there and he went to the law schools too. That's crazy. So now you just dropped it on me that you also went to law school. So you go to law school three years, you're fucking study your ass off. You do mess. Two years actually. Two, oh yeah, now you're really a fucking showoff.

Two fucking years. And one day you go, you know what? I'm going to throw this all away so I could be a fucking comic and hang out with a fat fucking dude named Joey Diaz in Austin, Texas. Is that what you're fucking trying to tell me? Yeah, I mean, it's pretty much summed me up completely. But yeah, I went, I went for a year and then I kind of came here for a year and wasn't doing like comedy but just worked for children's hospital, the TV show and stuff.

And then kind of just went back to Austin and did another year. I did that show. Oh yeah, it's the best. The mobsters. Yeah, those guys were amazing. Were you working with them? I was only in the third season. I don't think, no, no, no.

I think I did the second season. Yeah. But yeah, then just went and finished a year and then started doing comedy kind of that last year. And just, I mean, I really guess fill into comedy because I like writing jokes on Twitter. That's like such a lame story. But I just like writing jokes so much. I couldn't really focus on studying law even though I loved law school. I was really, I mean, just, it's being surrounded by like the smartest people in the world all the

time is just so interesting. And actually my criminal defense professor is, have you watched the Jinx? Robert Durst, the guy who's like on trial for like three murders. He has his criminal defense professor, which they're trying the case again right now. But yeah, I mean, I loved law school and it's so interesting, but I just couldn't really not think about comedy the entire time. I mean, kind of being an attorney and being a comic is a fucking fine line, you know? Yeah.

I mean, are you going to be a criminal attorney? Is that what you want? I worked for an entertainment attorney for a little while, which was cool. I did some like cases for like Black Swan on like film financing and some interesting clients. But I liked criminal defense the best, even though I think I went initially because I was interested in entrepreneurial law. Like I wanted to start a business and be able to like protect and just do everything myself. So I was originally going to go to Cornell Law School because they had a really great

entrepreneurial program there, but then decided to go to UT because Adam Dell had this, the Dell, Michael Dell's brother had this great course, which is cool. I met a lot of interesting people there. It was in this group where we actually started kind of business and one of the guys, it was a part of that was actually Russ Ulbricht, because the guy who created Silk Road and just got a life in prison without parole for creating that website, which I think turning that time too, like, I mean, he was just working on this company where you sell, you know, he was donating books to schools and prisons.

And I think at the time I had this idea, I wanted to start like a nominous marketplace where you buy anything, honestly, online. And then a few years later, that stuff happened. It was crazy. But that's an expensive decision. The people you meet there are just so smart and interesting. Let me tell you something. I was having a good day until you started fucking talking just now.

Like you had a choice between fucking Cornell and U of Texas. Like I just want to go home and shoot my fucking self right now because this whole thing started because I caught a break in life. I got into the University of Colorado, right? And then one day I'm in the thing and they go, you're part of the CUOP, which is Colorado Opportunity Program because you're Spanish. They put me in that. And then I got this thing in the mail one time and it was just an invite to this Latino

association of Colorado attorneys at CUOP, whatever. I said, what the fuck? I ain't had all derbs. I said, let me go down there. You know, I lived right around the corner at that time. I went down to this party and this guy was like, listen, if you maintain this, I could get you into the law school. And I was like, come on.

I mean, I just got a GED. Like I quit high school my senior year because I had to work and I went and got my GED. And I kept taking courses at Colorado Mountain College. And then one day they go, listen, bro, you have too many credits. You got to transfer. So my only option was CU Boulder at night. They were like, yeah, we'll take your fucking 180 or credit, whatever. I was like, I don't give a fuck.

I'll pay to come in. They let me in and they said something to me. So now I was in college. That was it. And then I got in trouble on that ruin that, but when I got in trouble, I always loved criminal defense. I always loved the legal way of being a criminal defense and the lawyers I grew up with that had criminal defense.

Like when I was growing up, I've never met the lawyers that people call greasy. It wasn't like I got divorced. Those are the worst attorneys ever I dealt with. Three attorneys got me, sunk me dry. I always tell Leah's story that when I was a kid, my mom used to be a bookmaker. So when you got in trouble in New York, you got a ticket. But when you got in trouble in Jersey, it was a fucking felony. But they had an attorney.

Like today, do you want like anything today? A cop got let off in Charleston, South Carolina. Did you see that? It was a hung jury. You basically see the fucking cop shooting a guy from eight feet away or whatever the fuck. He shot him eight times. He shot eight times. Okay.

My, a guy that Lee knew. I've introduced him to Lee Carmine. Balzano got arrested. So shot a guy in his house seven times in the back and self-defense. Didn't go to jail. He lost his job as a cop and he kept his pension. Okay. The attorney he had was a guy named Sam DeLuca.

Got arrested. So he might be dead, but I don't think so. Guys like that don't fucking die. Like Missy Shaw, she'll hang on until she's 184. People like that don't die. They're too fucking smart. They figured out a way out with fucking God. I'm telling you.

No, yeah. That's I think my father right there. And I've told this thing a thousand times into somebody like you. Maybe you've heard this or you haven't. This guy was a brilliant attorney and we could look him up. And like I, the last time I looked him up, he was, he was, he was defending the Manado brothers in Philadelphia on a triple homicide extortion case. You know, and when I was a kid, he handled all these bookmakers that I knew, not little

bookmakers like high level bookmakers. And part of the deal when you went to see him was you had to bring him a suit. But you had to bring him a fucking suit. Okay. And then I exaggerate this, but when I got older, when I became my 10 or 11, a part of the defense, all these Cubans defense was that Minope Gingley. Okay. That's that number.

Whose money is that? Oh, yeah, but I'm Minope Gingley. So all that defense was Minope Gingley, Minope Gingley, Minope Gingley. So in all those, all those people had children, but my mom was the only one that hit me to that world. So I would have to go to the attorney with my mom, because even though my mom knew English, she would even try to play the attorney. Oh, yeah. They always try to play and I remember going with her at one time.

Somebody made a call for drugs out of that. She was on probation for something else. Lawyer, Sam DeLuca, no Jersey City, the old guy right there, but click it back, click it back. Sammy DeLuca, Lawyer, Sam DeLuca, Jersey City. That's the motherfucker right there. No, he's right there, Lee. He's right in front of you. The third one down, right there, John F. Kennedy Boulevard.

Well, that motherfucker used to go like this, you know, and you go into his office, he'd say, how are you doing? There was hugs. He offered you a cocktail. You know, he had a blonde assistant that sat in there, fake breasts, even in the 70s. You know, I was a kid going, damn, Mr. DeLuca, I wouldn't say nothing. You know, I would walk in there like an innocent kid and I would walk in there who would whoever couldn't speak English and they'd sit me down and they'd say,

are you cool? Everybody cool? Yeah. And they'd go, all right, tell him that they caught him obviously with money and paperwork. Papel, you know, the guy was, he was a badass fucking dude. And he'd go, Papel, you know, with the numbers in New York City. That's this and this and this and this much time in Jersey is this much time. So we have a problem.

The guy would go, I talked to the DA, you know, he's a known fucking bookmaker, no offense. I know you make good money, good living. And I would sit there like giggling because he'd be putting me together. And even though this guy didn't speak Spanish, this guy didn't speak English. He did speak English, but he may believe this guy knew that he didn't speak English, but he played along because he was going to get a fucking envelope from this guy. And he would go, the good thing is I play golf with the fucking judge. Okay.

So here's the deal. You don't need to do time. You make money. And he was telling me to make the narrow. Everybody wants to make the narrow, but the judge, he wants the narrow too. So there's what we want to do. He'd go, if he doesn't want to do any time, we give you three años probation. You can't get caught up no more, but the judge wants $200,000.

Now, if he could do a year in jail, and then he would just spit a menu out at you. If he wants to do six months in jail, cost him $75,000. But we could work this out. It's all up to you. I know all of these people. Tell them, thank you for coming. God bless and tell me, call me in three days when he makes up his mind. And in three days, I'd take a ride down there with the guy with brown bag.

Give it to him. Three weeks later, he was in court. The exact deal. Everybody was in on it and he went home. But everybody knew growing up that if you had cash, like when I got arrested for kidnapping in Colorado, I called Sam. I go, Sam, I got in trouble. I don't know, it was Donora's son.

He goes, it's $10,000 for me just to get on the plane. And the first class ticket, and that's not even to retain. I needed an advance just to get on the fucking plane. I was like, I guess I can't do that. Jesus. But I always believed in the system, you know, so. Yeah, I don't know. When I wanted to be an attorney, I believed in this faith in the system.

Did you watch that last show on HBO? They would be discussed about the law, the killing. Oh, the, uh, making a murder and. No, the night of. Oh, the night of. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like that a lot. What did you think of that?

Did you like it? Yeah, I thought the show was, um, kind of a little slow and lost me at some points, but overall I really liked it. The I eat up all that stuff, like making a murder or the jinx, the staircase. I'm a law and order dude. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm a law and order dude. No matter what town I crave for Saturday night, because I know worst case scenario,

I go back to my room and tea. I can't lose. I either got law and order pretty well. Yeah. I default to forensic files for 48 hours. I watch all that stuff too. Yeah, that's, but sometimes in the road, I feel like it's too close to home. Like if you're just like in Buffalo and watching forensic files, I'm just like,

okay, well now I'm not going to sleep for three days. But you have a very interesting man. And do you regret your move? You miss at the times? Uh, when I see some of my friends and what they're making as attorneys sometimes, but no, I'm just, I guess glad I finished it. And I mean, I don't really know where I would be if I hadn't done that. So I don't, I don't really regret it.

Good for you, man. You took a shot, Columbus did. You did what 50,000 kids do. They go for four years and they quit and become a plumber. Did it make you, like, did it help your comedy at all? Like, are you a really good writer right now? Because law school is a lot of fucking writing. I think it just kind of maybe trained my brain to think more logically.

Like, I think I initially really liked it too, because I just started studying the LSAT. And I got obsessed with like memorizing the LSAT. And it's just like logic problems that you put together. So I think kind of those comedic brain and logic brain kind of have a lot of crossover. So I guess so. That makes sense. I know how to take a lot of like, uh,

and it's just like grueling and sucks your soul out. So I feel like the sarcasm and stuff that comes out of that. It's just fitting too. If like, you can't be attorney and read all those cases and stuff and not have some sort of a dark sense of humor. That makes sense. Like, yeah, I mean, I guess my dad was an attorney too, but he was always like, don't go, don't be a lawyer.

Which is like, I'll show you. But what kind of attorney is he? He was mostly government contract, but I think did a lot of everything. Yeah, he would just tell me crazy stories. He's had Alzheimer's like the past 10 years. So I feel like more of the stories he told me, he'd get kind of more loopy as he'd tell them. I could be like, I'm Germany and people are shooting at me

or I got this guy off of flying all these, the Coke and I got him off because I, or like he would be able to do it because he'd fly the plane upside down. So he couldn't attract him. I don't know. He had some crazy stories. Yeah. And I guess he was kind of teaching me without me knowing or he'd always say like, yeah, I'd always, whenever,

what town I'd get in, I'd rent the best caddy I could and I'd pull up to where they can see me pulling up in my caddy outside their office. So they know I'm like a hot shot and just, yeah, some crazy stuff. I think it's a great, if I could do it all over again, I'd be a criminal attorney. Author, I love the stress. I love the wear and tear. I like the bang and I know that there's always an option. You've got 10 years and then you become a partner and then you don't have to do that no more.

You just sit there and give advice and help on cases. If you live those fucking 10 years with distress, I can't, I don't know. That's, that's heavy duty. Having somebody who got caught with 45 fucking kilos of Coke, they caught, you know, now they have the Rico, which is a motherfucker, you know, so, and now they got a thing called cameras everywhere. So now you're fucked. You know, you're fucked.

You can't do half the shit. You could do 10 years, 20 years ago as a criminal. You can't even fucking think about it, man. Yeah. I just thought it was the most interesting, but probably the most like emotionally investing too, because it's just people's lives. No, that's it. And they give him, you know, let's, let's pretend you have somebody like Sammy de

Bulgurano, that's a half a million dollars for your law firm cash that he's got. And you're going to get it from him. That's your mentality. You're going to fucking get it from him. $2,000 in paper, copying fees, fucking assistant fees, electrical fees. You know, what do you do with something like that? I had a brilliant attorney when I got in trouble, by the way. You know, when I got in trouble, I wasn't caught red-handed.

It was hearsay and it wasn't hearsay from the victim. It was hearsay from my supposed partner. By the time they got to my house, the house was spotless. I cleansed the, I cleansed the house knowing they were going to come. I didn't know. As soon as I did, so I was charged with kidnapping, one kidnapping, two aggravated robbery, accessory to a felony, and something else that doubled the sentence if I took it to trial. It was a mandatory state sentence.

The machine gun did not have my fingerprints on it. The doorman did or did not remember me and the victim wasn't talking. Wow. So, right away, since the other idiot got arrested first, he got a regular attorney. What do you call that? A public defender? A public defender. Once I got arrested, they had to appoint me a real dude because he couldn't be in the public

defender's office, okay? So, I had cash. I called around. I got some cash that was owed to me and I had a fucking plan first to get out. I stayed in there for a month, lowered my bail. I played along with this fucking judge, this attorney, who was, he was the first ethnic person who had graduated from CU, so they hired him. In my eyes, I felt like he was more of a token, but I wanted to give him the benefit

of the doubt, but I knew from growing up, from watching the people in my world growing up, that you always got to get a guy on stand-hold and you always got to delay. There's two ways to delay. You could delay it on your own or you could pay an attorney and go, dog, I got to stay out for 18 months because I got to see my kid graduate. I'll throw a half a mil at you and we'll keep you out. So, I knew, I didn't have the money to pay him to stall me. I had a stall on my own, which meant I had a hire and fire attorneys.

Okay, so the fucking first thing I did was I went with this fucking mutt and the first thing this fucking moron comes to me with is nine years kidnapping two, nine years straight. I'm probably going to do eight and three quarters because it's a fucking second degree felony. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Now, I launched him New Year's Day. He gets submissive New Year's Day. I go into court for a preliminary hearing. He's not my attorney no more.

Have you talked to somebody? No, your honor. I didn't know this situation till he offered me something I didn't like. At the preliminary hearing, the judge says, Mr. Diaz, before you leave, can you please come into my chambers? I go into my fucking chambers and there's two guys waiting for me with like fucking photographs and they throw them down. They go, listen, we've been watching you for six months.

We knew you were with these guys. Talk to us about this and we'll talk to the judge about this. And I go, you know what, I don't know nothing about this. This guy was a fucking pool cleaner talking to me because I knew they didn't really have me on this. I knew they didn't really have me on this. So I contacted the head of the law school and they said, if you want a consultation, it's like a nickel. What does he want?

Seriously, I had to write a check to the fucking law school for his advice. I walked in there. I said, listen, I heard through the fucking bush that you could help me. And he goes, I got your paperwork sent over. He goes, you got a problem. The problem is they jumped in an apartment two months ago. I mean, this guy strategized it for me. And his dude was a white dude, like white, like fucking.

He never ate nobody's pussy. Like never squeezed nobody's tit. Like this guy had a bow tie on. Okay. But when I paid him that check, he became a fucking savage. The white dudes I like, like he was, he was very, but behind closed doors, he was worse than Trump. This guy, he would look at me and say,

should he go first or the district attorney on this could suck my dick. First time he looked at me and said that I almost fell off my fucking chair. He goes, he's a fucking cunt. I know him from law school. I could knock him out of the water, but you don't have the money to pay me. He goes, I'll knock this motherfucker out of the water. But he goes, he goes, I got one problem. He goes, even if I knock him out of the water, you're going to do six months.

He goes, you're doing time on this. He goes, you're either going to do six months work release, six months halfway house, something you're not going to get off. Any attorney who tells you they're going to get you off, they can't get you off on this. This has to be, this was in the papers. So this has to be addressed. So I go, who should I get?

And he goes, if you go in there with some fucking slick dude, this is Boulder, Colorado, they're going to hang you. He goes, this is all a play, but on you. He goes, I want you to go in there with a fucking nerdy dude. And I looked at them, I go like your cousin and we both laugh. And he goes, my cousin's even worse than me and he's not available. I mean, this guy was just saying horrible things. He was just saying shit to me.

Like, can you make the victim disappear? I was like, oh my God, this, because he goes to law. He goes, I look, I pulled up the victim's law sheet. He's no fucking angel. He's not going to be able to testify against you. He cannot take the stand. He's out on, this guy got a DUI, they took him to the hospital. And while he was in the hospital, he broke into the pharmacy

and stole the liquor cocaine and jumped out the window. He goes, this guy cannot testify against you. And the other guy cannot testify against you. He's no angel. This is your first arrest. So he goes, you have to strategize this. He goes, go to court, stall it again. I stalled it.

I stalled it for three months and I got this white dude. He recognized, I talked to three dudes. This white dude even talked funny. Like he spoke like I was scared at first. He goes, give me 15 up front. I'll get your fucking, you won't do no more than six months, maybe nine months. You got my word because you got to play this exactly how I tell you.

He goes, give me 15 and give three to the investigator. He got an investigator. He played it perfectly. He goes, my first thing is to prove you're not violent. He goes, I'm not going to let you go to jail on a violent crime. You're rotten. He goes, you're fucked up. You had a bad day.

It happens. You know, those days I bump into a machine gun too, and I try to run. You know, he was at least funny and he goes, but that's the first thing we got to do. Once I overturned that, that's when we go to work and he got it. And he, everything he told me he was going to do, he fucking did, man.

This guy was just in court. He was amazing. But he called me the Friday before and he goes, listen, these guys didn't accept you. BCTC didn't take you. And he goes, nobody wants you. You got one option that's prison. I got to go in there Monday and make them convince you.

But even if I convinced them, they don't want you. So we don't have any options. So just go in there, look the best you can. He goes, he wants to give you six years. I'm going to try to get you three. He got me four. I couldn't be mad at him. Not for the money I fucking paid him.

Everybody else was looking for 50 fucking grand for that case. This guy was a savage. Did you ever, I know not on this trial, but on any trial ever at cause you're on lawyer. Lee, I'm retarded, Lee. And I've got some bad days and I've done some bad things. I would never raise my hand to that. Never.

That's just dumb. You could just keep firing them. Yeah, you could prolong it. Yeah, you could fire them. There's so many angles, Lee. Oh my God, it's got so many. That's why it's so interesting to be a fucking lawyer. You know, I also like that other field where you go international

and you do law, like paper money law. Transactional law. All that shit. My friend did that shit. He was living like a doctor. This motherfucker was in Spain making dollars paying pesos. You know what I'm saying? Like they had butlers and people with bells and shit.

Oh my God. Yeah, the money that gets thrown around. Cause I don't know about you. His girlfriend just got the bar, the whole fucking thing. Well, that's why it's interesting you came on here. Cause we've been talking about this for the last month now. But she wants to be a prosecutor. And there's not a lot of people that want to do that apparently.

More people want to do like entertainment stuff. Cause that's where like the 400,000 a year is and it's a lot of money. Like I, it's a lot of money to turn down, to do $15 spots at the comedy store. But Lee, what were we talking about on the phone last night, Lee? About doing what you love. No, we were talking about a journey. Oh, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Listen, Lee, you're there four or five years as a prosecutor,

banging out working 90 hours a week. Yeah. You're eating shit. You got a hemorrhoid cause you sit so long. And one day you see the fucking light. One day some guy from the fucking thing says, I'm opening up an entertainment thing. This is just a journey, Lee.

You start off as a prosecutor and God, you end up as a TV judge. You know what I'm saying? This is a fucking journey, man. Law, whatever. You could switch your fucking thing while you're in there, right? Like let's say you go to a firm and you're doing criminal defense. And also one day you go, you know what? I don't want to do this no more.

Don't put you in a different division of the fucking firm, okay? Or you have to be specialized in that. I think, well, you can do whatever. Contracts are fucking contracts, dog. Contracts are fucking contracts in my world. I don't know how to read them, but for fucking $400 an hour, there's some lady in fucking Hollywood that'll shut a contract down, Jack. So I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

When I read a contract, I'm like, all right, I'll sign it. And then some people like, are you crazy? Look at that right there. You know what that means? I don't know what that means. That's why I would never defend myself late. I mean, if other people had draft them, probably don't either. Yeah, I worked for an entertainment attorney for a while,

and I'd have to draft all these contracts. And no idea. And he'd just be like, yeah, I don't know either. That's fine. My mom is a lawyer, and she read the contract when she signed up the CVS card. Like it used to embarrass me, but now I'm like, yeah, I'm just like, it's crazy, all this stuff we just accept

and just agreed, especially on the computer. Like people are kind of freaking out right now, because Uber apparently is like going to follow your location like even after the rides over now. It's getting weird. And then what did you think about the Amazon store? Did you see that? What Amazon store?

There's a, it's going to be in Seattle. You have to, all you do is you scan your phone. The app, you walk in, you take whatever you want, and just walk out, and it just automatically knows what you have and charges your Amazon account. Tremendous. I don't live in Seattle. I got a warrant up there.

So I'm not worried about it, all right? I'm not worried about it. So how long have you been doing comedy for now? I guess like four and a half years, maybe. And you're here? Yeah. Yeah, I did two in Austin and then moved here, and I've been here almost like three years, I guess.

So you took some of that fucking determination from your little law stint and your little fucking college stint and put it into this, which is exactly what you need. Just take a chance. Columbus did keep getting on stage. And that makes this journey a lot easier for you, because you've already banged your fucking little head against the wall for a couple of years.

Yeah, this is the fantasy world compared to that. So. Yeah, it's so funny how I go to Jiu-Jitsu when I was 50 one day. I go, oh, let me try the fucking hardest thing you could do. I'm a fat fuck who has no core. Let me, wake up, Cocksucker. Let me go, let me go try what you need a core to do. And I fell in love with it and I kept going,

but what made me keep going was what I had gone through with comedy. If I hadn't gone through with comedy, I would have walked out of it. I'm not, this is never going to work, but I remember all the years of putting together bullshit. And you know what I always tell people, they just keep showing up. Something good is going to happen eventually.

If you do three spots at fucking night, something's going to happen. If you want to be a good roofer and you get a full-time job roof and then a part-time on the weekends, after two years, you're going to be a good fucking roofer because you put your time in, you know, it's that simple. If you want to be a good musician, you got to put your, you know, it's the same across the board.

It's just so many people look at it and look at it so distant. Like when I say to you, you know, you got to be, it takes eight years to be a good comic. You look at it and go eight fucking years, or it takes six years or two years. You look at it and it's so long, but then you do it and you're like, that was nothing. And what if I didn't do it, I'd be eating dick right?

What would I be doing now? If I, the more I procrastinated doing it, you know, it's, it's a very special thing to fucking try this stuff. Yeah. Lee, where's Tony Bennett? You just going to sit there? You've been sitting there like a good goods all night and shit. Do you eat five stars?

Did you eat two more? I only ate the first five. If we can have two more. We have to give you two more. You got these poor things in front of this girl making a look for you. That was a mad adventure. When somebody breaks your heart,

some somebody twice as smart as I am. How you doing? You all right? Okay. You get a pot cookie or something before you come here? You get secondhand smoke or something? I was telling Lee yesterday also how how comedy shot.

Listen, man, I'm surprised to still be doing this, Ashley. Like in my world, if you know anything about me, I'm surprised to still be doing this stuff. So it's been 25 years and I still fucking learn, you know? And it's so weird how when I first got to the comedy store, the rumor at the comedy store, people always come up to you and go,

have you played Houston yet? And you go like, no, why? And they go, that guy's looking for feature acts, you know? And at this time, you were at the comedy store, which meant you had played some clubs, you know? But in those days, Houston, like Austin was a great club. But it wasn't like Houston. And you know, he'd fuck with you.

The guy's name was Mark Babin. He'd fuck with you in those days. And even though you'd walk in there with Margaret Cho, you know, he'd go, no, I need tape on her and shit. And he would never watch the tape. You go to people's office in those days. And sitting behind them, as they were writing you a check, with just thousands of VHS tapes with dust on them.

They're not going to watch the, oh, I watch them at night. No, you fucking don't, you know? So Freddie Soto, God rest his soul, came up to me and he goes, hey man, I was talking to Mark Babin. He wants you to work the club. But he wants to see a tape. I'm like, I'm not fucking sending him a tape. I'm a regular at the store dog.

You know what I'm saying? I'm doing comedy six years. What's he going to pay me? Just tell him to fucking make me a rent. He wouldn't do it. We held out. And finally I sent him a blank tape. And he called me back two days later.

He goes, you're hired. It was a great tape. And I go, oh my God, this is such a fucking bullshit tape thing. That's why I never sent tapes. That's why, even if I lived in LA and they call me, they go, we need to see a tape. Comedy store, 1045 tonight. Come on down.

What are you talking about? Why would I send you a tape? So you can write me off. I'm right here. How lazy are you? You know? So I gotta tell you something, man. Like I had done comedy in Seattle.

I had done comedy at that time. Not really Vegas. I had done Seattle, Oregon, Harveys. I had done the comedy underground, which was a great club. Comedy works, great club. But there was nothing in those days. Like Houston.

And it wasn't just the audience. It was what happened when you got our stage. They had 20 fucking feature acts. And one was better than the other, Ashley. It was fucking hell. And on Monday nights, they'd have an open mic and there'd be 250 people there. And it started at seven and it went till two.

That's how many comedians they had in Houston those days. But from seven to 11, it was fucking David Tell and Nick DePaulo and whoever was in Austin would drive to Houston. So it was just as fucking sane. So when you went to Houston, you had to have a new five minutes. Your shit had to be tight. You couldn't just fuck around because all the comics would stand in the back and fucking watch you.

So on top of that, they were having their own duel. Because Monday nights and Tuesdays was their night to drink. And because the rest of the week, they weren't getting spots at that club. That club was the hardest club in the fucking state at that time. And, you know, then the club went out of business. But it was like Doug Stanhall, Joe Rogan, Mitch Hedberg, tape suit, two CDs there.

Like it was the hot place to tape CDs. It just had this whole... It was crazy. Monday nights, we had half the ball. Half the open micers were Austin kids. And half of them were Houston kids. And they'd be drinking and fucking... You had a watch who was on stage

who had everybody had to have new material. That was the buzz about Houston. All those open micers. On Monday night, Sean Rouse, you know, Sean Rouse. He just taped at that place. So we did the festival. Oh, wow. Oh, good. Yeah, last week.

Like all those people was just a scene. But he lost the club. And then the guy was a fucking racist. And he lost the club. And the whole scene went under. Now it's divided, you know? Yeah. It's etched in my memory.

Now that city is Portland, Oregon. That helium club where I was just... This is my third or fourth time up there. And I've just seen it get better. Yeah. And better and better. And it's not just the comedians. Like everybody I've worked with there is always great.

Like the feature actors always sound... This week, I had Felicia Michaels. But I had the kid... His last name was like Silverstein. But it was Silverstein. Would it be? He was a Russian Jew or something. So yeah, hysterically, like all this shit.

But I just sat there the one night. And I went around. All the shows are always sold out. You know, Saturday or early, always sells out. Even if it's a fucking magician. That tells you they have a thing up there, Secret Show on Wednesdays, where they don't tell you where the headliner is.

It sells out every Wednesday. Oh, that's phenomenal. They don't know who the headliner is. And they still show up. That's how you know the town loves comedy. Yeah, I feel like Austin's kind of like that. Yeah, Philly's doing it. Austin's doing it.

You know, Austin's always been there. Austin's always been a phenomenal scene. You know, I've done some sick shit in Austin. Me too. Margie knows. Margie knows. Margie knows I did some dirty things in that club. Went back in the day and shit.

Because that was the continuation. You did the lap stop till Sunday. Mark Babbit would give you the hotel room one more night. That kept you in there till Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning, you slept on somebody's couch. Wednesday, you shot to Austin for the open mic. What? What?

Stop the chewies. Get some fucking food. We'd all stay at that double tree. We talked Margie into giving us a hold. Come on, Margie. Margie, come on. $44. She put you up in the hotel room.

And then you had that till Wednesday morning. It's Thursday morning. You had a hotel to lay check out. And then you had to do whatever you had to do. You know what I'm saying? That's the part I love. Yeah, I feel like I've been kind of most surprised by that, by how much I love the road and just doing clubs,

even though I usually lose money featuring. I don't really headline them that often yet. Still just like colleges and every so often. But how much I love the clubs and how much you build there has been, I mean, what really keeps me in it. Right now, you're going to have the most fun ever doing comedy. The next five years of your life, I'm going to be a blast.

And you know what, man? If you, I mean, I can't lie to you. If you cut some corners, there is a tiny little profit. But as long as you know, there's no profit and that the colleges keep you alive in between that. You could crash on somebody's floor and, you know, it makes it a lot easier. I mean, it's tough to be a feature actor today.

Oh yeah. But at the same time, fun. Yeah. I mean, I've been spoiled too. Like I'm out with Marin and Chappelle. But I'm really doing those tight 30 minute sets at clubs is getting different audiences in different cities and just seeing how what they react to.

And some are just dog shit. But some, you know, it might be El Paso, but the audiences are amazing. You know, it might be Kansas City. Yeah. You don't fucking know Dick. And it's like, oh, I love doing shows in El Paso. I love doing shows in Buffalo.

I'll never go back to Boston again. You know, you can get that. Oh yeah. Oh my God. I hate San Francisco. Yeah. Do you really? I just every, every,

just every time there it's like pooling teeth. It's just so much work. Listen, let me tell you something. That used to be a death sentence for Uncle Joey opening up for Rogan at Cobbs. Cobbs, listen, a couple of years ago, I went to Cobbs first four out of five shows. Death with Ari.

Death, death. Saturday, I went out of my shell and I was who I was supposed to be because I started playing to them because they come in with their glasses, but you got to do the punchline. So I just eliminated because he, once you get all the,

they tell you to do the punchline, but then the agents will go, there's no money at the punchline. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. It's such a good fucking room. The hotel is great. Next door to the hotel, they have a bar.

When you do the San Francisco punchline, have you ever done it? I've done guest spots, sir. Okay, across the street. They get the hotels right across the street. People like Greg Proups, they have the really good hotel. I stay at the shitty hotel,

but it's still a good hotel. Next to the hotel is a bar. They have a Chilpino in that fucking bar that will make your earlobes fucking pop. Do you understand me? They give you a big chunk of lobster with a big piece of fish and these fucking prawns

with a big piece of fucking Italian bread and a big piece of fucking butter. And you just dip that motherfucker as you're ripping that fucking seafood. You eat seafood? Oh yeah. Okay, no. You're looking at me like you don't want seafood.

Oh no, I'm just like, now I'm going back to the disco. Oh no, no, no, no. I love San Francisco. You have no fuck. Right there. Just the Chilpino. I don't know how, no.

Don't go in there and go, Joey. I had the pizza. I didn't tell you to fucking eat the pizza. I told you I ate the Chilpino. That's something Lee would do. Hand me a wriggle of salad. It wasn't that good. I didn't talk to you about the wriggle of salad.

I talked to you about the Chilpino. I don't know nothing about the wriggle of salad in that motherfucker. I know the food is good in that city. I went, I thought I was Johnny Hot Shit. I was a regular at the comedy store, you know, set up my value and creative entertainment was out in those days.

Creative entertainment booked the south all the way to the Bahamas. 500 a week for two weeks. You basically starve, but they would say, hey, you're in the Bahamas. Yeah. Even the headliner would get a small nickel. Nobody made money in the Bahama trip,

but they had. And if you cursed, they got you off there on a fucking helicopter. But they'd tell you before you went down there, you know, the room is clean, right? You know, you go down and then start throwing fucks and they live with it because they like it. No, the first time you said fuck, the sound would go off

and they would pull a Lee in Vegas. Two little behaviors would come up to the stage. They'd escort you to your room. They'd pack for you and shit. They'd hand coffee while they packed for you. And you had a helicopter. They walked you down to the helicopter. Before the helicopter, they punched you in the stomach

so you wouldn't get sick. They put you in the helicopter in your back whenever hell you're from. But they booked everything. Like they booked shit rooms. They booked. So what I would do in those days is if I did four one night is fucking, what's the local comedy club?

It's the Atlanta punchline. All right, let's call them up. Hello. Let me talk to the fucking manager. Who's this? Joey D is from where? The comedy store. Put them on the fucking phone.

All right. Who's this? Who's this? Who's this? This is Pete. Pete. Joey D is here. Listen, I'm going to do a thing for creative.

Do you mind if I come in and do a Sunday? This is exactly how I spoke to them, actually, because I would always get fucked in the ass. So I would go, listen, man, I'm coming in Sunday. I'd like to do a six-minute guess. Are you going to be there? Yes, I am. Do you book the club?

Yes, I do. I don't want no stories when I get off the stage. When I get off the stage, I want to make sure I have a week there. Is this going to happen? That's how much of a set. And they go, yeah, and I get there, do well. Oh, I ate dick. And I went to like, I pulled two clubs like that.

I pulled, uh, there was something, comedy, something, and Bethesda, Maryland at the time. And then there was a wise crackers in a hotel. And, uh, right outside of DC, it's when you go to, it's really Virginia, something, Virginia, excuse me. And then, so I went to the club local there. I forget what the fuck it, it was the old DC improv. Why somebody didn't throw salt and pepper shaker on me.

Was beyond me, dog. But then I went to two other clubs and I did okay. They didn't book me, but then I was going to the Atlanta punchline. And I had just done like five nights, did grade. Oh my God, I went in there and fucking died. I never went back to Atlanta. Oh, really? Never went back.

I just went back like after 14 years. Oh wow. Because of how bad you do? Yeah, in Nashville too. I ate dick in Nashville, but I didn't feel bad because Doug Stano paid the dick after me. We both had them for 11 minutes and they realized they Christians. Do you follow me? That was fucking 15 years ago.

I didn't go back to that. Even with Rogan. Rogan was going back to Nashville. I'm like, dog, I took such a beating in Nashville one night. I will never fucking go back and then they talked me into it. No, I like it. I really like Nashville. They'll take a ride with you.

Where else did I eat dick? In those days, I was like a 50-50 dude. So you would go into like great rooms. I kicked ass at the Green Bay Funny Bone. I fucked them up at the Indianapolis, Indiana. Michelle Walker used to have a funny bone in those days. It's on the Indiana, Michigan border. And that's where Notre Dame is and shit.

They used to have a funny bone. I called those motherfuckers on a Sunday night and I lit that room. On flames. Do you understand me? They hadn't ever seen them like Uncle Joey in those days. They were getting southern acts of shit. So that dude goes, listen, you're a little too heavy for this room. But I got a room for you that's going to rock your world.

There was. He put me at the Green Bay Funny Bone. And he goes, I only pay 500. I'm going to give you a seven. I'll give you eight if you torment this headline. And I gave me eight hundred miles to feature. And I went up there in the headline. I couldn't follow me.

And they was just, you know, I was at the comedy store following Paul Mooney. I had balls of steel. Was he the Paul Mooney or Dice or Rogan? It was always a fucking nightmare for a year for two years. My first two years at the comedy store was Dom Marrera that would just bury me and this black dude with dreads and with initials. I loved him with all my heart. But every time I look at that lineup and I'd see he was on before me and I go, Jesus

fucking Christ. What is the horror gonna end? When am I going to get a break? I would follow these torture chambers. But when I leave there, it made me a fucking killer for Manila dog. I was meant to break you and then you can stick it out. I was going into these rooms like I would go into a comedy store. You know, when you jump out in the comedy store, your first three minutes,

it's better to be fucking crackle-ackin' on a fucking Thursday night, especially after you follow Eats. So I was jumping like that in Indianapolis. Not in those days, I didn't do it in Indianapolis. I was doing those hidden cities in Indiana and shit. But I always remember that for the rest of my fucking life. I remember I did Chattanooga. I ate a bag of Dexter.

Anything in the Southern Bible Belt. I wasn't good enough to control myself in front of it. I would lose my cool after 15 minutes of dying. You do well for seven or eight minutes. In those days, if I saw somebody with white hair, that was the end of my set. You know, I wasn't mentally prepared for that type of shit where I now I could steamroll through that shit. You know, you're just not experienced enough at the time.

It's funny. Becky's a purple belt with template and really good jujitsu. And I was explained to somebody in 1995, 1997. What was the president of Israel got shot? Abib, Ray Rabin in 1997. And I wrote a stupid joke about the thing. But only two people laughed. Me and Josh Wolf thought the joke was hysterical in 1997.

You were right, Rabin. Rabin. Who the fuck did you get dealing with? All right. When I write a joke, I don't forget Dick. He got assassinated. Did he not? He got assassinated.

In 1995. And I wrote a joke that said, listen, president Rabin got assassinated to the president of Israel. He got assassinated today. And I forget how I word the fucking stupid thing. And I said something like, what do you expect? He got shot by a Jew. $40 is $40.

Something stupid that nobody would laugh. Nobody. They just kept dying. And then it became a joke amongst the comics. Like, let's see this joke. Like, we were that tight. We had that type of connection. And I would hear somebody laugh because it would bomb again.

And finally, I let it go. And three years later, I brought it up at the comedy store and it killed. And I figured out that- Because you were doing them in those rooms. No. I wasn't ready for that joke. I wasn't saying the joke with enough confidence. I wasn't prepared.

I wrote a joke way before my time. Way before. This joke is a good joke. But right now, something's missing. This joke has to flow into something. This joke. And you'll see it'll come to you and you'll go, ah! Now I know.

In jujitsu, sometimes somebody- Matt Baker taught me a great move where you're going for a Kamorra, but that arm pops up and I spin around and I roll him over. It's like stealing. And you get him. The arm pops up. You get the wrist and you Kamorra him. His head is between your fucking legs.

So you got him trapped. He can't move his body. You've got his right arm cranking it back. For months, I wouldn't try that at all. But then some other guy taught me pressure passing. And now I could actually roll him up, keep him there and just fuck with him a little bit. So I wasn't ready when I learned that

now after a few months of experience, I saw and that's what happened. The same thing with comedy. Sometimes you write a joke ahead of your time. Yeah, I think we all- Where have you taken beatings? What cities? Yeah, San Francisco, I feel like it's always-

Always gave me a beating. For years, I would just go up there. But I went there because I had good clam chowder at the hotel. Because Rogan stayed at the best hotel. They had red clam chowder that wasn't red. It was creamy red chowder, but they put like red something. Fucking tremendous.

The hotel was shaped like a ship right on Fisherman's Wharf. You slept in like a fucking barnacle room. You think I'm kidding you. The rooms were painted in the ocean. It's still there. I forget the fucking name of the hotel. You got to pay for it though. Like the punchline ago,

we'll give you this much for a hotel. But it's like an extra 200. Joe would pay for me, Ari, Duncan, Tate, and Eddie Bravo. And we'd all go up there for the weekend. All of us in the same fucking hotel. And we do Thursday through Sunday at Cobbs. One of the few places I've stayed in a drive-in hotel. And I would die every show.

Every show I would die. And then I would die and I was starting to just, like once you start bombing so bad, you're starting to insult them in a way. Oh yeah. Which makes you look even worse. I go there pretty fast. That's what I would do.

That's what I would do. You pussy. Yeah, I would just start insulting them and then I didn't even matter. For years I go, I'm never going to do cops. I'll never go back up there. Then I started headlining it and I realized it. We got to jump on those motherfuckers.

If not, they physically abuse you. It's like that step-uncle that's looking to her mentions. How are you not good enough? That was the first place to her mention. I'm from LA and they just started booing. And I was just like, I had no idea there was like hate between San Francisco and LA. Yeah, San Francisco.

Done a few colleges in Florida that I'm never really in. Oh, I took some beatings in Florida. I took a beating in Jacksonville for five nights in those days. That's when you flew in on Tuesday and worked till Sunday. By Thursday, you were emotionally scarred, but you stayed in Florida because you didn't see food bar on Friday and Saturday.

You eat all the crab legs you could want. Oh my God. You think I'm fucking kidding you? If you think I'm kidding you, I swear to God, Jimmy Schuber had a cancel. So I was at the, he got a movie like on a Monday afternoon and they didn't have anybody else in those days that had cheap tickets by the airport.

So you booked the ticket and then you went by the airport, cut it right, got the ticket and then went into the airport and took your flight. It was like 150 bucks to go to Jacksonville. At the time, again, I'm a feature act. Maybe I'm doing 25 minutes. They go, can you do 45? Fuck, standing on my head.

I went down there and took a six night fucking beating. So many nights. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And then two on Friday and two on Saturday. And then the Zinger was Sunday. Oh my God. By this time you're turning green from doing jokes. You understand me?

By Saturday night, you want to fucking shoot yourself to second. You're on stage sober thinking that I do this joke already because you've done so many fucking shows. And there was a time actually, you remember, if you're from Austin, they used to do three shows. Do you remember? No. No.

That shit went away quick because comics started saying no. But there's still some comics like Lavelle Crawford. Those motherfuckers do three show saddlers. That coop flew from me years ago. That's a fucking show. Yeah, I think it's like six nights and I'll pass. You don't know who used to do that? Miami.

And that was torture because, everybody wants to buy you a drink in Miami. But a third show and it would always start late. So that meant it was supposed to start at midnight. So it would start at fucking one in the morning. By the time you get up there, they're sizzled. They're sizzled. You're just talking all fucking war.

I guess everybody finally figured out and said no more midnight shows. That sucked. I can't even imagine. Yeah, I think it's spent six nights in like El Paso earlier this year. But like the audiences were great. So it made up for El Paso. Let me tell you something, man. That was where I cut my comics.

Oh, really? Wow. Listen, in those days, who do you think accepted me? I was crazier back then. So LA, I was a regular at the store and I didn't do fucking Vegas. I did Reno. I did Frisco with Rogan. There was no helium in Portland. I had a war in Seattle.

And Texas was the spot. If you had any brains, you could go to Texas, move to a center city, and work year round. If you're very intelligent, you could pull that off in Texas. For two or three years and cut your teeth really good, put away some money, and just drive. Because from one side of Texas to the other side, how long in the car? And yeah, Dallas is like four hours.

Houston's four hours. No, no, no, but I'm talking from one tip to the other. It's like 18 hours right in Texas. Geez, that's a lot. I don't know. There's a lot of fucking meat to cover. There's a lot of fucking meat to cover in Texas. But in those days, when I did comedy in the late 90s, it was Corpus.

Corpus always had a room. It was drug dealer, so it went year to year. Corpus and then the other side by El Paso, but up more Odessa and Midland. Panhandle out. Midland had a drug room too. Mexicans with belt buckles. The MC was fucked up all the time. They paid you with Coke on Friday and Saturday.

One night we were down and the club got raided while the comedian was on stage. Yeah, those rooms were always shady, but they're always available for you. Then another one popped open. Then the comedian from that place, his uncle had money. So Texas always had, so you always had Austin. You always had San Antonio. That's been there since Jesus was in Chicago. Houston was always there.

There was always two or three rooms in Houston going at once. Yeah, Houston and Dallas. Okay. Dallas, Addison's been there since Jesus was in Chicago. Plus they got those other ones. They've been there forever. What's the other ones in Texas? They got them in Fort Worth.

It's a funny bond. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Chuckles. I know some names. Hyenas. Yeah, hyenas. They've been there since fucking I was a feature act. Then you had El Paso and you had just all these little, but I moved to L.A.

And one day I was doing a fucking one night and somebody came up to me and said, dog, do you want to MC in El Paso? I booked the MCs. It's 300 for the week and you got a place to stay. 300. You couldn't get a plane ticket. So you had to rent the car and drive, but fuck that. There was a bus.

That took you from downtown. You got on 11 o'clock at night and you got to El Paso one in the afternoon. Oh my gosh. And it was a fucking night, man. But in those days, he'd give you five, 50. And it was on the other side of town, on the west side or some shit. He, this club that you went to is new. Yeah.

It was right next to warris. Like I literally was just- Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is right. This is on the other side of town. He had a great club. That was one of the greatest clubs in the fucking top notch.

Packed. Packed. Yeah, it was packed. Tuesday to Sunday. They're out every fucking night. They don't give a fuck. They're out in El Paso, dog. Some of them got, there was two or three rooms in El Paso.

Yeah. There's nothing else to do in El Paso. There was a comedy war for a while in El Paso. If you worked one room, you couldn't work the other one. But that guy in those days used to say, listen, man, I like you. You want to come down here every four or five weeks. So I would cut my tea.

I just took a bus, 600. I party all week. I ate good food. You know, in those days it was great food. Texas was very good to me, man, in the beginning. Texas is always because the crowds at least took a ride with you. You know, and they're all crazy red necks, you know. Very few times I bombed fucking Texas.

Yeah, I still go back there a lot now. From Beaumont, I used to do Beaumont with that kid. You saw that kid that you met there at the Houston Festival, Slade Ham? Slade used to have, before Slade, there was a black, tremendous black couple that had a room in a hotel right when you got off Houston into Beaumont. And that's how the whole thing started. Slade, Slade was the bartender there. When they closed the club, Slade reopened it.

It got big again. He moved it. He got into a big building and then Slade and the radio DJ went in together as partners. The guy talked about it every day on the radio. Are you fucking kidding me? Beaumont, Texas, what do you think they do in Beaumont? Do you think it's the land of enchantment? Ain't nothing to do in Beaumont, but hate people and fucking eat.

That's it. I remember one of my favorite old time when I get to one day writing this fucking book completely like this page, I was all whacked up in Beaumont one day. And Slade has a brother who I have to say this phrase or people will not get it is that, you know, you can't imagine this Slade's brother. You see how Slade's handsome and shit, like that nice kid very well. His brother's a wigger in those days. That was a rapper in Beaumont, Texas.

No, no, no, you can't even, you know what I'm saying? That's like being a Jew, Lee and fucking just tell me where they hate Jews. That's like being a Jew there. Like where what's his name is Palestine. That's like you being a fucking DJ in Palestine. Like they're going to eventually shoot you. You know, like it was just, I just love that wigger is a universal term. I didn't know that, but let me correct it.

In 1990 and 1999 or 2000, that's what he was. Even Slade would go, how do you talk to my brother? He's crazy, but he was in charge of the music at the club. So he would throw rap music and shit. And then on certain events, he would rap. Him and his crew would rap and shit. He had one black guy in between the feature act in Beaumont. In Beaumont.

This was a tremendous club. Plus there was an endless flow of drugs in this. What was the, was the rapper's crew running the drugs? No, he would come in like on Saturdays. He would come and bop him with like two of the black dudes. Everybody was broke and they're talking about demos and shit, but I took a liking to him. You know, I could give him 30 bucks and go, go, go get me weed.

He can get me a bag of weed and come back and I give him a joint and 10 bucks. I loved them. I gotta tell you something. I really loved them. I went to Houston and Beaumont so much in those days that kind of, so I would call him ahead of time. Listen, just get me an eight ball. And I get the Beaumont.

He'd have a package one fucking weekend. You know, he didn't have it. He goes, I can't get it for a couple days and shit. So he gave me a bunch of pills. That's a complete different story. But once he, after he got me the pills, he called me. He goes, I got it for you. So he went, he got it for me and I did it all.

And then I called them back. I'm a fucking lit. Now at this point in my life, at this point in my addiction, I had a fucking rule. That once I went in the house with that package, I was not leaving the house. So when I would go in the house at night, I had everything I needed. If I was only going to smoke one pack of cigarettes, I'd buy three. If I was going to drink one bottle of water, I'd buy eight of them. Like I bought everything in excess, so I wouldn't have to leave paranoid.

Lighters, rolling papers. I had everything. I had a checklist. I was a fucking, I was a fucking. Organized. Organized fucking cocaine abuser. It is a lot of forethought. Oh my God.

And I would not leave. That's how I quit smoking cigarettes. I got an eight bone lock myself in the house. I refused to leave the house to get cigarettes. That's how you know you're going to quit and stick to it. Because once you could do that, you could do anything. So I fucking called him at four in the morning. I was out of my mind.

What, Lee? Wait, I just want to confirm what I heard. You quit cigarette smoking with Coke. Yep. Okay. Yep. Yep. That's how I forced myself to do it.

That needs to be its own book. Because listen, I knew that I would not leave the fucking house regardless. I knew. I knew when I would get that coke that there was no way I was getting behind a wheel. And there was no way I was walking because there was cops everywhere. Following me in bad spirits and shit. So I didn't leave my fucking room in those days. So how did you keep getting more coke then?

I would call it delivery. And I would walk downstairs real quick. And at first, there was a lady in my building that knew I was a fiend. She was black, but African. And she would say voodoo words to me in the middle of the night. This is crazy shit. You think I'm kidding you. She moved, but her nephew and me are still friends.

He even went to my wedding. He's got a Japanese wife with three kids and shit. You think I'm kidding you, Doug? The nephew of the one who used to voodoo you went to your wedding. No, no, the nephew. Yeah, yeah. Gee, Gee's his name. But when I moved into the building with my wife, I wasn't married to my wife.

My wife, I would go, I would come home at night late from doing comedy. So sometimes I would go home at 11, go upstairs and I would already have a package. And at three, I'd come downstairs. My buddy would come by with a motorcycle and I'd run out and give him a DVD with 50 bucks. And he'd give me the fucking coke and I'd run upstairs. And as I was walking back upstairs, she'd be out with a house coat. She would hear me and she'd go, she talked to me in Africa and shit. Like I didn't need it that when I'm coked up and I would just run upstairs and lock the door.

Then two days later, I go, Gee, what's wrong with you? And he goes, I don't listen to what she's saying. But I knew she was doing voodoo to myself. What's up, Leigh? Let me give some shout out to you. You got a spot tonight? I'm going to go see Chappelle. Where's he at? Blind Barber.

Right now over here in Culver City. Oh, Culver City. Look at you. Take a look. That's a deep, deep life. Angela Criss. I love you. Joe Dee.

Thank you for the book of albums. I want to give Cobra Cass podcast a fucking shout out with Bobby Sharon. Jamie Stanley. Lauren Rosenka. Jeremy Varela. My main man, D in Colorado. Bob Strossma. And John Johnson and Crystal Oaks.

You fucking savage and shit. Anyway, what else is going on? You shooting any movies? What are you doing? Yeah, I'm shooting a short in Austin, I think next month. I raised some money to do it. So I'm really excited about it. You went on like PayPal or something.

I went to the real partners of Trump or something. No, I saw Tony Hitchcliff talking to you one day on Twitter about something, a movie you funded or something. Yeah, I was a Kickstarter, which I'm just so excited and not have to post about anymore. But yeah, it's this anthology series I've been writing for like two years. And this is just kind of like this little comedy horror story about a couple that kills a homeless guy and they're going through infidelity issues and they decide to bury the homeless guy and do that.

She kind of decides if she can trust him with her life or not. I don't want to get too much away, but I'm not saying that because a lot of jokes. I haven't shot anything in a couple, a couple years. So I'm really excited to do this again. You know, I go to the comedy store. I lurk down there and stuff and I watch people, you know. Sometimes you get really stoned and go and sit in the back and you fucking learn a lot. You go there early and stuff.

And I love it. I love it. It's just a fucking painy ass at the store, you know. But that weekend Austin, I'm watching you from the back, you know, and I'm like, she's tiny, you know, she comes from a nice family. It's not like, you know, she's a runaway or something. And for a long time, you work with a feature chick. She got a fucking story.

She's drinking by the third night they're naked with the fucking that there's always something, you know, but you were completely the opposite. And I couldn't figure out what she just the fucking one of these people, you know, you're organized. I knew you went, your girlfriends came to one night. So I knew you went to school somewhere. Yeah. They look like UT little, but they're all married now.

You said you got kids and shit. They had to go home. Yeah, they did. They have their shit together there. But, um, yeah, and I've been a capstan in a while. So it was nice to do that. I knew I was going to be in town then. So I just reached out to Rich and he was like, well, Joey's headlining that weekend.

If you want to do it, ask him. And so I did. And then, yeah. And then Sunday, they just text me like, oh, you want a headline? And I was like, that was huge because it's my home club. So fucking show. And then off so that, I think some guy who came to that headlining show I did sat in the front row and I made fun of him a little bit.

So I was like, what do you do? And he's just like, oh, I'm rich. And I think he gave me like 3,500 bucks on that Kickstarter. So that's kind of like why I'm going to be able to shoot this thing now. It's so crazy. Oh, that just that crazy stuff happens. Good for you, man. Now, uh, I, uh, admire you.

That's, it's tough. It's a tough fucking racket. And now I admire you more because now I know where you got the balls from. You figured if I could do law school, I could fucking be a Melinda. You know what I'm saying? At this point in my life, I know if I did law school and graduated and didn't take the fucking thing and didn't take the, it gives you like this weird empowerment. Yeah.

It really does to do something, commit to something. Really think you're going to do it because let me tell you something. Most people wouldn't have done what you've done and would have taken the journey, married another attorney, had three kids and then one day wake up with their 42 and go. What the fuck happened? I drank the fucking ether. I drank the serum man. This is not what I want to do.

I want to be a fucking Melinda. I want to be a kid. What's that movie that's, uh, with Tom Hanks and that's the movie that really got me into stand them. Once I saw that, it made me pick up the fucking, uh, it's a movie called some Tom Hanks and, uh, the flying nun, Sally Struthers. And they, you never seen that movie. And that's her story.

Tom, Sally Struthers or Sally Fields? Sally Field. Come on. Punchline. There you go. Punchline is about Sally Fields is married and she got two kids, but one day she's like, this sucks. This sucks ass.

So she hangs out. She's an open mic with Damon Wayans and Angel Sally. Oh my God. It's a really, really like cool movie. And the hot comic is Tom Hanks. So she makes Tom Hanks write jokes for her. Or she wants to write for Tom Hanks. And then Tom Hanks, she falls in love with Tom Hanks, but they don't really do anything.

Lila, that's her name. Lila. Maybe this sounds too good. And then Lila does the open mic contest and fucking wins. Yeah. She does the open on a Wednesday night and a, and a Hollywood scout is there and shit. Oh, that's how it happens. Pretty, pretty, uh, no, but it's just, uh, that's really cute.

Listen, man, I was, I had a nice family. It was starting. It wasn't as nice as this one. It wasn't a nice situation, but I had good support. I had paid my due to society, you know, I was roofing. I was trying to strive. You know, I was putting away money. I bought a car, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But I just wasn't feeling it, man. I just really wasn't feeling it. And I'm like, this is it. This is it. This is what you're fucking telling me. I'm 28 years old and this is it. This is never when I'm 65, this is it. I get social security and I got a fucking watch and then I just die.

What did I do? I bought a company and that's not what I wanted to do. I want to do something. And I thought about stand up and I watched that movie and then I saw this newspaper article and I said, fuck it, let me give it a shot. And I got, it took me like a half a year though. I was a pussy. I would schedule and then cancel and then schedule and cancel, schedule and cancel.

But I just knew once I got on stage that my life wasn't going to be the same again. Like I said, I think this is what I want to do and I'll take the chances because if I got to go to just get a day job and take my life like that, I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to end up in prison. I knew it. I knew it. I go, if I'm going to end up happy, I'd rather be broke.

But at that age, I figured out I was not going to fucking buy stocks and bonds. I was not going to make a million dollar drug deal on the street. I figured it out. And I go, I'm going to have to take my lumps. I might as well do what the fuck I really, really want to do. So I respect what the fuck you did, man. Thanks. Oh yeah, I mean.

I do. There was a reason why I like you, you're cool as shit and you're putting the work in there and you know, you got a good attitude and you're a good, you stay in touch. You know, I thought of you when I saw your name on the list, I go fuck it while she's there. Let her work with me again. She was great. Oh, thanks. So we did the Houston thing and, and they were a tough crowd, dog.

And I was watching you. Oh my God. Houston was no fucking picnic, my friend. And that was raining. Wasn't it raining? They didn't feel like they'd been there like a few hours. When I walked in, I saw them standing up. Oh yeah.

That's rule number one. That's rule number one. You ever stand up on a show? Oh yeah. Give your feet 25 minutes and try to hold your attention. Just your hips are telling your brain, this is bullshit. This guy's not even funny. It's impossible.

Your hips talk your fucking brain out of this guy being, even having a chance because it sucks. You have to be sitting to watch comedy, to do anything like that. You know, you go to, I think back now, even at concerts sometimes, it was great jumping up and down, but sit the fuck down. Give me a place where I just want to sit down and smoke reefer and shit. Lee, what do you think? What is this? You're just gonna eat five stars and pass out on me again?

No, I'm passing out a roll. Eat two more stars. Let's get this party started. Why don't you do it? It's fucking Monday night. I gotta go to the doctor at 8.40 for that. I've never gone to a stand-up comedy show. Like a show where I had to stand.

That seems like it would be terrible. It's impossible to pay attention. It's impossible. Look at that star landing. Where's the other one? Look at that little star landing. You think that's coincidence? That's the star.

Oh my god. So what are your future asks? What do you want to do, dog, in the next couple years? Yeah, I keep grinding it out on stand-up. Yeah, shoots, I like writing directing, so shooting some more shorts and gonna shoot this one and maybe try to turn it into like an anthology feature, like do the festival route with it and see if I can get more money and make a few more shorts for that and put it all together.

I got a lot of respect for you, man. You're a tough little fucking tank. I've got to be. That's why you're here. Everyone wants to break you. No, no, no. But there's something about you that I really dig. I respect this shit out of you because I don't know, there's a couple reasons.

I see what you're doing on stage. You have no fear, you know. But most importantly, you're not complaining. You never complain. Oh, yeah. I like that quality. You take what you got in here. I feel like these people don't really want to see you do well sometimes, too.

And in this city, I feel like you can get a lot of that. So I just going on the road and ripping as much as I can just makes me kind of the most happy. That night I hosted at the store, you knew I was going through hell. You knew I was going through hell, especially with the women, you know, and I tried to be as nice as I could to you guys. Like, listen, just stay in the back. Let me know when you're going to go up. I'll fucking put you up.

But that night, I really learned what was going on. And I looked at it from two angles that, yeah, maybe they're not putting up enough women. But the other, there was like three of them that wouldn't stop fucking complaining. That's like, no. Once I started seeing women crying and shit, I was like, I don't need this. I'm never doing this again. I don't do comedy. That was a rough night.

Yeah, dog, I'm not doing comedy to make women cry. I'm not doing that. That was not the purpose of this mission. And I get, I felt so bad that night. I drove up that hill and felt fucking violated. Like I was putting in between myself, me, I believe, put up a guy, put up a chick, put up a guy, put up a woman, put up a young girl, put up a lesbian. I don't give a fuck.

I just don't want to see when I go to a comedy show now with what I've learned over the years. I don't want to see three guys and one girl. Mix it up a little bit. Throw a fucking black lesbian who's missing a kneecap from something. I don't give a fuck. Mix it up. I want to see the worst thing I want to see when I go to a club is that the MC is dirty. The feature is dirty.

And then I got to go up there. Is there no creativity anymore in booking? Is there no creativity? No more in booking. I want a strong comic in front of me, but I also want a comic that has a completely different state of mind than me. I don't want to go up there with three guys saying cocksucker and pussy and fuck you. I don't need that in my life.

That's not a good show. But guess what? I learned that my second year in. I used to book shows. I told Lee at Ron's, a Chinese restaurant in Boulder, and I was all coked up and I lied on my tome, listen, I can get you Bill Cosby. Tell me how much. I go like 20,000.

He goes, oh, I can't do Bill Cosby. So I go, listen, give me four or 500. I'll give you a good local comic. And it was just a great fucking eight months of my life. But I remember putting like this guy that was spotless clean to headline. I put a guy that was edgy, but not dirty to feature. And then I put a lesbian in the host. Are you kidding me?

That's a three ring fucking circus. That's what people want to see. I don't want to see three black comics with the same fucking state of mind going up there. But sometimes I go to a club and I can't believe the feature actors in front of me. And I'm not going to say none. I'm not the type of person that will ever complain. I just now I learned about the guy who's booking the club. This motherfucker's got no creativity.

The MC's up there saying fuck off the jump and the features up there saying fuck. But the time I get up there, my fucks won't be effective. So I got to raise my voice a little bit when I say fuck. And actually I trigger them a little more. It's just you see this shit, but you learn this after doing comedy a few years. Like you become effective if you do law fucking 10 years. What's up with your faces turn of red? What's the problem over there, Lee?

This is always a struggle for you Monday nights. It never ends, Lee. Well, there's no struggle. I just fucking my body was like, don't do it. Don't do it. There's someone. We got to eat two more. This is how many you're what?

I'm what is Yom Kippur? Hanukkah. No, what is Hanukkah? What is Hanukkah done? Christmas Eve, I believe. So Christmas Eve. So it's what the fifth. So you got my fucking 18 more days of torture with Uncle Joey before fucking Hanukkah.

That's like four podcasts. You know, he falls asleep after he's fucked. I call him Tuesday mornings and Thursday mornings. I don't fall asleep every podcast. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. It's when we take like eight thousand. I won't fall asleep tonight, but I'll call.

We're going to eat two more before the show is over. Eyes are running. Oh, yeah. Look, he's done. He's done. No, no, this is a party. He says he goes home. He falls asleep and he has a burst of energy.

He goes home. He makes like a salami sandwich and he downloads the podcast. And this girl from walks out like, what are you doing? Why did the fucking move? He just passes out here. I'd be petrified to pass out here. I have to turn off the lights. I don't make a decision to pass out.

You just kind of like wake up with like, I've only really passed out two or three times. And you just kind of wake up and like the things are all over. It was like two in the morning ones. That one was bad. Here? Yeah. You don't wake him up.

You just leave off. No, he didn't pass out before. I'm awake when he's awake. I'm awake when I leave. He's awake. But I can tell. Listen, if he's going like this in the podcast, during the podcast, if he's laying back, I know he's a gana.

Sometimes he's just making noises. Now I'm deaf. If I can hear his noises, I know we got a long night. I've left him on the couch a few nights. That's reasonable. Two nights. I put him on the couch. And then he, but when I'm left here, he's passed out, turned off the lights.

And next morning you talk to him. He's like, Scott Pitch McGoo. We got a pizza sent here. He gets a pizza delivered. Then he took an Uber, but it was a Mexican dude. I just killed three guys in the car itself. Oh, that's terrifying. So he went around the corner and made him drop them off.

And then he called Lyft. He has his own. It's his wrap. No, no, this is like on an adventure here. People have no idea what I live with. I try to explain to them that, you know, this is no, I'm no picnic, but he ain't no fucking picnic either. I professionally get away.

Because I don't know what's going to happen in the morning. There's nights I got to stay up like a mom. I got to wait. And he'll call me when he gets home. I'm home already. And I'm okay. If not, it's a fucking nightmare. I'm sitting up all night.

Where is this guy? And I'll keep calling him. What's going on? Nothing. I'm waiting for this thing to download. Listen, stop falling asleep. I know he's fucking sleeping. What really happens to be quite honest is I'll just like,

I'll just kind of zone out. Does that ever happen when you're, when you're medicated? Like I'll just be, I'll be doing work. And then I'll just start thinking about stuff. And then like 45 minutes we'll go by like, oh, I wonder if that was done exporting about 43 minutes ago. So I did. But yeah, but then it's good because I, I, I sell burr up so I can drive home.

But it's. Well, there's a couple of nights I live here. That's, I live, I live maybe three blocks from here. That's a fucking struggle. It's a struggle. I make that laugh. And I'm like, oh, I put my car in park of those lights. My, my wife put Christmas lights up the other night.

I was so high. I drove by the house. I didn't know it was my house. I get to the park. I get dog. This is fucking confusing. I'm like, I didn't see no. I had to turn around.

I told my wife today she was dying. She knows I'm retarded. She fucking decorate the house. I drove by at the other night, stone to the gills. I drove right by. I didn't even know it was my house. Finally I get to the park. I'm like, why am I here?

So I drove down the wrong block. I had to start all over again from Laurel King. I did all over again. Oh, you know me, dog. I'm, I'm tip top, Magoo. Let's do this all over again. I can't take it. I don't know where the fuck I am in those dark streets.

There's people walking their dogs. I'm not going to stop for directions. I just kept fucking driving. You didn't do your turn? Oh, dog. I went right back to Laurel King in the riverside and started all over again. I made that left by the fucking, uh,

the top Popeye's chicken and the right. And I went all the way down again. I crossed over cofax all over again and fucking, do you know what? I drove past it again, but then I put the brakes on. I go, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is, this is fucked up.

And I remember we put lights up the end. On that with the baby. I just didn't see the other lights. She put lights up against the garage. I didn't see those fucking lights. She tricked me. Even see like your wife's car or anything else. Dog, I'm lucky I could see in front of me

when I fucking drive without glasses on. I'm lucky. I just coat. Listen, I drive by sound. I've been telling you that for years. I drive by sound that night. You let me drive at night. You're taking your fucking chances.

I don't see. I don't see when I'm going down low cane, I'm doing 90. Do you really think I see? I don't fucking see no more. My side is done, dog. Wait till you're fucking 53. You've been on the computer since you were 10,

cock sucker. You're done. I was fine. Like on the computer, stop doing coke. I was fine. That's when the shit hit the fan, Becky McDougal. You got any dates for me you're gonna go to? Yeah, the Parlor Live, the 18th.

You got your schedule for next year? No, not yet. They book colleges for you too? Yeah. What's your website? I just put everything on Twitter early. This is why I love this fucking savage. You see what I'm saying?

Everybody's begging you. You gotta have the website. This is Hollywood. She's like, listen, I ain't got time for this shit, all right? I'm a fucking attorney. Get out of my face before I fucking bitch slap you, bitch. This is why I love and respect this little young girl. She's white to fucking savage.

I know she's got a nice family. I didn't know about the jogging on Christmas. I don't know if I would have let you come on the podcast and say you jog on Christmas. There's a ton of people on these and shit. I just learned to, yeah. I think it was last Christmas. Yeah, my sister couldn't do it on Christmas

so we had it the night before. And it was this weird time where I was just asking her about work and she's like an OB-GYN. She does IVF but she works with babies and stuff. So I asked her if she hadn't seen that show. I didn't know I was pregnant and she said she hadn't. But she had a woman come in like that who thought she was pregnant. She was a really large woman and I guess she just had really bad gas.

So she said she was pregnant. But I guess the baby was already dead. No. And so they have to take the baby out. And I guess normally they would do a C-section but the doctor just decided to muscle it out and pull off the baby's head. And then because it's a stillborns,

they have to give it to the parents to grieve. And so the doctor just sewed the head back on. And my older sister just tells a story at like our Christmas dinner and we all just lost it. Doug, that is the darkest, funniest shit. I've heard it in a long fucking time. I think we went to a cousin's like... Baby shower and we tried to like retell them how funny the story was to all of us

and they were just like, y'all are fucked up. You know when I tape my special uh that weekend, he wasn't there for the night. I'd say Friday night I'm standing by the wall and some guy taps me on the show and I look at him and I kind of recognize him. He goes, you remember me? I go, I really do.

I go, you got a doctor that took me out to dinner that night. And he goes, you remember? I'm at a club one night, I'm doing comedy and this guy and a lady come up to me after the show and they're like, you know what? I haven't laughed that hard in a long fucking time. And I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm a doctor.

And I go, what type of doctor? I guess he was like the head guy in 911 where people come in for surgeries. And we started talking, it was a Thursday. And I don't know, you know, it was just out of character. He goes, do you want to go across and just get something? And I was like, absolutely, you want to go to a steak? And for two and a half hours, they had to throw us out.

This guy fascinated me with those type of dark fucking stories that you sit there and go, tell me you're not, but he's being, him and his wife were both surgeons or whatever. And the stories are just as dark and funny as that. I mean, you got to have a little bit of a sense of humor. You ripped the baby's head off and you got to stitch him back to your older degree. What the fuck do you tell the parent?

How come it's got stitches on his neck? What happened? This little motherfucking Frankenstein and shit. He tried to muscle him out. Can you imagine giving him to the mother? She's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck is this? This ain't no black baby.

This is motherfucking Frankenstein. This is a mistake. This little voodoo kid. I've been telling you just that. With stitches on his neck and shit. Oh, that's cold blood. I love that. See?

But yeah, because we have a little dark sense of humor. Yeah, I guess when my dad's been sick, like the past 10 years, so every Christmas, my mom's like, this may be your dad's last Christmas. I'm just like, maybe your dad's last Christmas. She's been saying this for like six years. And every time I get there, she's like, we should just write his obituary, just in case.

And what does your dad say? Well, he's been, he hasn't spoken for eight years because he's like, he's in like the later stages of Alzheimer's. I'm sorry, man. So when you go, you just hug him and he just looks at you? No, he's even past that. He just kind of sits there. But you can kind of get him to pay attention a little bit.

But yeah, so every... Still loving with all your heart. Sometimes didn't really get along when I was younger. But yeah, I mean, he's... How many sisters you got? Older sister, younger sister. So three girls, how many boys? That's it.

You know how tough that is on the male fucking? I can't, it's our fault, probably. Yeah, it's tough. You guys cracked him. Yeah, we broke him hard. Who's the youngest? He's still hanging on. Yeah, my little sister, Katherine.

Where she held on wheels? Did she crack him? No, it was probably definitely me. Oh, with the law school. Yeah, yeah, that was the beginning of the end. We were both stubborn. I think that's why he's like, don't go to law school. And I'm like, going to law school.

So we butt heads a little bit. But yeah, no, she still lives at home and actually helps take care of him. She's really good. So... Good for you, man. You're the family still here. That's very nice.

It's important. She had to really... We got to say for yourself, cock-suck, have you taken anything from this conversation? Have you learned something? I have learned. You can quit cigarettes by doing cocaine. Oh, yeah, yeah, you can quit anything

by doing cocaine and just hiding in the room. What else have you learned? Nothing. Fucking nothing. You sat there like a fucking loop-de-loop. I learned this young girl fucking went to college and said, suck my dick and call me short. I'm done with this shit.

I thought you meant like an existential, like, what did I learn for the evening? Blue apron's good. Blue apron is fucking tremendous. Even my brother over here went on blue apron for a few weeks. Tell him, dog. Yeah, but Paula's actually cooking it right now.

Oh, you went back on it even for the holidays? Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it. I think she's made like a feta pizza tonight. It's what it looks really good. It's great. I like it. I like it. It's really fun to learn how to cook.

I do. I swear to God. Part of it is done. I mean, beside that, the ingredients are created equal. Fresh, high quality ingredients make a real difference. So it's important to know where your food comes from. Lee has tried blue apron. You've tried it.

How long, Lee? I mean, you're a trooper. Yeah, you know, yeah. It's been a few months. I was doing it every week. And then I started going on the road with you those few times. So I only do like two times a month now. But it's great, especially with Paula there,

because now we're both kind of busy. And it takes care of half the week's meals, half the week's dinners. It's pretty great. But if for less than $10 per person, blue apron will deliver seasonal recipes along with proportion, ingredients to make delicious home cooked meals.

You choose from a variety of new recipes each week or let blue aprons culinary team surprise you. Recipes are not repeated within a year. So you'll never get bored. Is that correct, Lee? Absolutely. Customize your recipes each week based on your preferences. Blue apron has several delivery options.

So you could choose the one that fits your needs. And there's no weekly commitment. So you only get deliveries when you want them. Each meal comes with a step by step. Lee, are they lying? Easy to follow a recipe called pre-portion ingredients. And again, pre-prepared in 40 minutes or less. That means you get home, you can smoke a number,

take your socks off, pour a glass of wine and go to work. By seven o'clock, there you are eating and you watch world news tonight at the same fucking time. All right, blue aprons freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook or they'll make it right. Listen, this is a great holiday gift. Do me a favor.

I'd love to. You know what, Lee? I might get you a couple gifts of these. Thank you. And then Becky too. I might get some fuckers. She needs some blue apron at the house and shit. Just to interject really quick, that's absolutely true.

I've had a couple issues with shipping that's not their fault. Their customer service has been- Tremendous, I've heard. Literally the best I've ever had. The best, the best. I've heard tremendous. And guys, this is, I just signed up with the code because I like it. I'm just a regular customer.

They don't know who I am. And they respond within like an hour, usually within an hour and take care of it fully. It's great. Well, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash joey. Look at what they got this week. They got black catfish with veracruz sauce.

They got seared pork chops with freaker salad. And then the family dinner, they got shrimp and squid ink pasta and white cheddar chip burgers with sweet potato wedges. Are you kidding me or what? Start off by going to blueapron.com slash joey. You'll love how good it feels and tastes and to create incredible home cooked meals with blue apron. So don't wait.

Do yourself a favor. Give it to a friend for Christmas. That's blueapron.com slash joey. Again, that's blueapron.com slash joey. Here we go again. You're going to love this. All right, another holiday treat. Like I said, I tell you once, I told you a million times, you're unique.

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If you don't love it, they'll pick it up and give you 100% refund. They're right. No questions asked. That's why everyone's from GQ Magazine to Ford. They're talking about Helix Sleep. So do me a favor. Go to helixsleep.com slash Joey and get $50 off your order. Again, helixsleep.com slash Joey and get $50 off your order. Who's better than you?

That was phenomenal. You know what I'm saying? Listen, you gotta fucking let these people know we ain't fucking around here. Lee, talk to these motherfuckers about MVMT watches. Dropping on them, will you? Ma'am, I got the black on black. I got the black on black MVMT watch. How does it feel?

How does it... Do you wet it? Have you put it under water? And what the fuck? Have you taken it up high? Out of tunes? That's beautiful. Talk to me about the experience.

I don't know if it's water resistant. So I haven't tried that yet. I have taken it to Austin. I've taken it to Chicago for the taping. It looks sharp with the suits. It's a great watch. It's a sharp looking watch and the best thing is it don't cost an arm and a leg. You know why?

MVMT watches pronounced the movement was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank, all right? The watchmaker's goal is to change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high quality minimalist products at revolutionary prices, okay? We get it. How are they shopping can be tough, but thanks to MVMT watches, all that gift giving anxiety can disappear with the press of a button. These watches make...

What's happening? Don't make me laugh, right? With a perfect purchase. Listen, these watches make the perfect purchase for just about one in your life. Guy or girl, and remember they started $95. You have heard me talk about MVMT watches before and I'm sure you got yourself one. Now let's finish your holiday shopping and get an MVMT watch for someone on your list. The holiday season is here.

With MVMT, you can skip the crowds and standing in crazy lines at the mall and find that gift and they'll love the prices and beat the department stores. Listen, the movement watches started at $95. At the department store, you're looking at $400 to $500. Am I not lying, Lee? You're not lying. Freaks have complimented you and said, look at Lee, you must have a Maserati with the watch like that.

Every freak you see and shit. Bam. That's a freak fucking magnet. That's right. That's what MVMT figured out by selling online. They were able to cut off the middleman and the retail market provided the best possible price. All right. Classic design, quality construction, and style minimalism.

Over 500,000 watches sold in 116 countries. All right. Are you kidding me or what? Drop it, Ashley Bonnell. You're 15% off today. Free shipping, free returns by going to mvmtwatches.com slash drop it, Lee. Church. Bam.

C-H-U-R-C-H. You cock suckers. One more time. This watch has a really nice design and I'm telling you, Lee's been picking up freaks since day one. It's time to step up your watch game. Go to mvmtwatches.com right now. Slash. Church.

Bam. Join the movement, cock suckers. Why start the new year off with a shitty fucking watch? Go to mvmtwatches. I want to thank Ida one more time. Helix, mvmtwatches, and my main motherfucking chef of the future, Blueapen right now. Bam. You know what?

I got no shows. Go fuck yourself. It's over. The rest of the year, I'm running a cappella on cock sucker. I don't know what I'm fucking popping up. I'm relaxing. It's been a long year. I love you guys.

See you Thursday night. I want to thank Ashley for coming on. She's one of my favorites, guys. If she's in your town, go over there and see her. Pay her respect. Shake her hand. Bring her a joint. Whatever, bring her whatever she needs.

A cookie, whatever she needs. I'll take cookies. Thank you so much for having me. Anytime. You're a fucking great fucking savage, man. What's up, dog? I'm doing good. I have nothing either.

In the room, nice and quiet is my girl fucking Becky Rodriguez from the fucking on the map. What's the name? Map therapy podcast. I'm telling you, I smoke too much pot after. Also, I can't wait for your special. What are you going to wait for? There's no fucking other way for.

Thank you for reminding me. Don't go to see so right now. Pressing Joey and get two months for free. See, Ashley's a fucking genius. I'm very excited. Thank you for bringing all that from the bottom of my heart. Have you got one for them yet? No, not yet.

Pretty soon. Pretty soon. I'll come to you and say Ashley. I'll be ready. I'm excited. Then everybody will be fucking happy. You'll come to family. You can tell the sister, shut the fuck up now.

Okay, bitch. What the fuck up? What I tell you, it paid off. I love you guys. Stay blackly. What the fuck? You got no news from me. You were in shock tonight.

What's going on? What's going on with you tonight? I'm doing fine. I don't know. You fucking didn't say two words. You stared tonight with that kid at the circus. Like you don't know what's going on. Somebody hit you with a flare in the head.

No, I'm doing good, man. I had a great weekend. Saw that Harry Potter movie. I thought I was pretty good. That's it. A little boring life. I need stars and go to the movies. Did you get the turkey salad?

You didn't go down there. Good for you. They cost $50 down there. No, I went to the one in North Hollywood. That's like 10 bucks. You get reclining a seat. Stop it. Like a doctor on the first floor.

It's definitely if the escalator is broken, it's fucked up. That's a long walk up. You think about getting a refund for about five minutes. You're like, fuck that walk. Maybe I will go see an animated movie. Shit. That's a long ass walk up the escalator. Thankfully, the escalator was working on that night.

All right, motherfuckers. We'll be back Thursday night with Louis Gomez and a bag of stars. Stay black. Have a great week. Don't forget about me. Love you, motherfucker. See so Thursday at eight o'clock. No, I don't know what time.

I don't know what time it gets released. Just go to CISO TV right now. Pressing Joey and get two free fucking months. Love you guys. Stay black. Hit it, Lee. Bam. It was an angel morning.

As they told us we should go. As I turned to you, you smiled at me. I could be say no. Oh, the buns are there. To live the dreams we've always had. Oh, the songs to sing. We had last and turned again. I'm so angry right now.

No, the streets have seen the years Divers in this hole Won't you sail away, sandy land of the day? Won't you trust the green, eyes inside, never seen again? To the sun, the south alone, last come, similar That is all commitment fell, the peace is on the ground Wants to ride the wind, treading on the deep Wants to laugh the loud, dance the night, watch the crowd dance See the man who's pointing at the giant stubborn horse

The guy who's from the clearing back, the germs have been disturbed If one fell should ring, a celebration for a game As fast a heart should be, as proud the heaven ever beats Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Wants to ride the wind, treading on the deep Wants to laugh the loud, dance the night, watch the crowd dance See the man who's pointing at the giant stubborn horse The guy who's pointing at the giant stubborn horse Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh oh