Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #439 - Andrea Lowell

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Starting point is 00:17:39 HelloTushy.com. Yeah, see, Coke... Three years is when it goes downhill. Three years is when all that fun, then all of a sudden you're not getting hard on it and all of a sudden you're hearing things and all of a sudden I went to the bathroom and there was more Coke there than when I came back, get up I'm gonna fucking search you. Yeah, the mind plays tricks with you. It becomes something else. Can you quit after a year? Do you think pretty good? Yeah, yeah. You know and it depends on, I think

Starting point is 00:18:11 it took me. You know what I mean? Like I could stop. If it was in front of me, I could not stop. But if I didn't buy it, it wasn't a problem. I wasn't obsessing about it, thinking about it. There's some people though who literally get addicted almost the first time they do it and I think it's kind of just they're born that way, but so it just depends it's person for person. I was addicted to, like the reason why it took me so long to get up because I was addicted to different facets of it. Oh, totally. I completely understand that. First I was addicted to the copying it. First you're addicted to the copying it. Going home and

Starting point is 00:18:43 you know, I'm gonna take a shit first. Not even doing a line and taking a shit because your system's already off. My shit was like Patholog's dog. I would smell it and I was like, I need to go to the bathroom. And I hadn't even done it yet. Oh my god. As you know, the guy was there and then you had the thrill of actually going to a bar. Like for me, my first five years were actually first three years were going to a bar and being sociable, having tons of bad breath

Starting point is 00:19:15 alcohol, cigarettes and weed. We probably smelled like shit. And you go out and you're talking to people up close and you think you're hot. And you think you're hot. You think you're philosophical. This is the ugly side. So now we're showing you the truth. No, this is the good side. The first three years, it's great. You're bringing women home. Your dick works. Yeah, that's true. Your dick works. You come and your dick stays hard. Yep. She gets crazy. You know, she only licks balls when she has two lines of coke and until then she just has like a limit. When a woman snorts coke, they

Starting point is 00:19:47 fucking go all out. When a woman drinks, they have like a little limit. They'll stop licking your toes. But when they snort coke, you put their pussy on fire. It's like a reset button. It's like, yeah. So now you bring, you get a certain girl and you guys hang out at the same place. It's the same program. Yep. You fucking get high with your friends and then you and her disappear for 12 hours and go fuck. 12 hours. Suck. Look out windows, eat each other out, rub cream on each other, take a shower, do more coke. It's a fucking process. But then that all turns. Yeah. And just like you said, the

Starting point is 00:20:19 dick doesn't work. The same thing happens to us below two on the giving in. You'll do so much coke. You can't even suck dick because your throat is so numb or the drip is so bad. And that's one of the joys of coke is you want to be this nasty dick sucking freak. I want to lick your asshole, suck your balls, gobble that dick. And then I'm like, I can't suck dick right now. Sorry. It's like it's a nightmare because you want to be a freak. And then you get to that point where you've crossed the line and you can't go back. It's like this invisible line. And once you cross it, you don't know you crossed it until you do. And then you're like, fuck my shit doesn't work no

Starting point is 00:20:51 more. It's terrible. And then it becomes that's that's the problem with it. Now, how long did you get high for? I mean, the whole time together years. 10. 10. Hard. And you saw the process. Oh, yeah. There's an upswing. Oh, yeah. There's a fucking middle ground. Yeah. And there's a slow decline. Absolutely. And then you just are like, this shit's not working for me anymore. You know, it's not playing out the way it played when I was 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 28, you know, like you get to a point where you're like, this isn't the same. This isn't fun anymore. And then you just kind of let it fizzle off. For me, from 16 to like 21, it was fun. And then I got to the point where I couldn't talk. Oh, five year mark, I wouldn't talk. Really? Got all introverted? Or you

Starting point is 00:21:41 couldn't talk? Wouldn't talk. I wouldn't talk. Don't make me talk. Just stop, stop. Or at least you can't put the music on. Let me just fucking live in my head because the connection wouldn't happen. You go through all these phases and then you go through a really deep paranoia phase where it's in your pocket, you see a cop, you go home, you're eating pussy and all of a sudden you're like, hold on, did you hear something? And they could be the hottest woman in the world at and you're fucking paranoid. You can't do dick. You head somewhere else. Yeah. It's, it's fucking quiet and an adventure. I think of an adventure every fucking day with it every day. Yes. I remember something like, oh Jesus Christ, I can't believe I was doing it at that time. I can't believe I was still doing it in Boulder at this time in Seattle.

Starting point is 00:22:26 I was still getting high in my office. Yes. It was such a, and like I said, I got more addicted to the action. It wasn't the coke as much as the process of it. The process of it. Yes. Yeah. It's just kind of like smoking. I got to a point where I had quit smoking cigarettes, right? But I missed the fucking thing. I missed buying it, packing it, lighting it, smoking it. Going to Starbucks. Yeah. Smoking outside, going back in. Getting a coffee so I could have it with my cigarettes. Yeah, not coffee. Don't taste the same. No. Tastes like dick not coffee. Yeah, now it's like you just get addicted to the movement of it and the, yeah, the process of it. I drink a half a cup of coffee nowadays. Three sips, I throw the rest of it. When I was smoking, I could drink two cups of coffee, sit there, bang out a joint. Yes. Or fucking sit there for three hours. Oh my gosh. I used to love blunts and coffee with a lot of cream.

Starting point is 00:23:16 Oh my God. Oh, blunts and coffee. You would kill your lungs before you even left the house. Yeah. You would kill your fucking lung before you even left the house. Yeah. It's a miracle that we're still alive. The amount of parting we did, you and me independently, if we added that up, it's more than like entire cities, countries, nations have fucking partied and we stand here. You know, we're talking about before the show, the breaking points, we're talking about how, you know, I could never be a hypocrite and judge anybody who got high like that. No, because we've been there. I know people get high, but it's funny now how I could tell when somebody is close to the breaking point. Like I could see now, like now from not, from being clean and from being in those shoes, I could tell by people's speeches. Yes. That rambling speech, that. The incessant speech, the stream of consciousness, the no filter, the you should shut the fuck up button doesn't exist anymore. And we can relate to it and we get it. And so when we see our friends doing it, it's like, do we want to jump in and say, hey, buddy, stop?

Starting point is 00:24:25 Or do we let them figure it out on their own? No, I know, but it puts us in a hard position because you want to help, but we know better. It puts you in a hard position, but I know from experience. Yes. If Lisa, I had who I think the world of what it came to me and said, you got to stop snorting, I wouldn't talk to him. Fuck that. Yeah, I would have been offended. I wouldn't talk to you and get the fuck. Don't call me no more. Don't fucking come on this podcast. Absolutely. You can fuck yourself. Yeah, that's how strongly denial is. I would tell myself if someone's telling me that I have a problem, it's because they're a pussy and they can't hang by bitch. That's why I don't say that. Yeah, I would take it personally. There's somebody right now that's been calling me for the last four months and all I hear is bad things about. I don't see him enough and I'm scared to call him on the phone and go, come on up, do the podcast. Yeah. And let me talk to you about what's going on because your family's calling around looking for help with you. He doesn't know I know, but he calls me once a month drunk.

Starting point is 00:25:14 I think they talk to me about it. I just don't have the balls to call him back and call his shit on it. I can't. There's certain people I could do with. There's certain people I can't. There's certain people that I'll call them out when I get angry at the situation. Right. Yeah. That's the last point. This is it. I've lived with this shit for three years. Until then, I won't say nothing to you. But I had a friend recently who was a sister-in-law. This kid's been doing comedy fighting for years and now he's telling me to destroy it. When I go, listen, I don't want to say this to you. We might not even be friends after this conversation, but I can't have you get yourself dragged down by somebody. He looked at me with a look. I go, I love you that much. I don't give a fuck. She ain't your wife. You've worked too hard to be here and I know how you get. Now, she's going to go to this place. She's going to fly to meet her and then goes, you're a comedy career. Is it worth it?

Starting point is 00:26:07 And he fucking was very happy. We had the conversation. In fact, he even told the girl from what I said and she loved me for it. Oh, that's, you know, that is priceless. Some people you just know. Some people I know that. And you got to use your intuition, man. You know, Joe Rotten called me. I didn't talk to him for five fucking months. Yeah. One of my best friends in my life at that. There was a point where I don't want to hear nothing, though. Mind your business. Unless you're going to put me in rehab, drive me.

Starting point is 00:26:31 And pay for it. And pay for it. That's how I was. Until that point, shut your fucking mouth. I don't want to hear nothing about my problem. It's got nothing to do with you. And lend me that $40 before you. Get that $60 you were going to lend me. I told the guy I was coming already. It's a really crazy place to be. I'm happy I'm out of those weeks. Yeah. I have friends that I said, you know, when I first toned my partying down, I would say to my closest friends,

Starting point is 00:26:58 how come you didn't tell me? Like, fuck you. Like, it's your fault. Why didn't you tell me? Because I didn't know. I just thought I was having fun. Because you toned it down or did you just stop? It depends on what we're talking about. There's certain things I just won't do anymore because I don't have control over. But I still go out and party and have a good time. No, no, no. I'm talking about alcohol and drugs. Did you just wake up in the morning and said, oh, God, it's over? Or was it a mind fuck for a year? It was one of those things where I woke up and I knew that I had to stop drinking.

Starting point is 00:27:28 I knew that all the drugs and stuff weren't happening unless I was drunk. I wasn't sober ordering Coke. I wasn't sober sticking nine pills of E up my ass. I wasn't sober doing any of that shit. It was once I was so fated on alcohol that I started making all these really weird, bad, awkward, sometimes wonderfully fun decisions. But it got to a point where I realized it was just this moment of truth. It was a moment of clarity that I can't really explain. I didn't pray for it. I didn't ask for it. And it was honestly fear. The feeling of fear of what the fuck is happening to my life overwhelmed my obsession of drinking.

Starting point is 00:28:03 And I just never wanted to drink ever again. It was nuts. One day. No rehab. No rehab. No God's, no nothing. No, no. What's it called when you have effects from not drinking? I had nothing. Withdrawals.

Starting point is 00:28:18 No withdrawals. No withdrawals. Ten years of fucking falling down. No withdrawals. Yeah. And Joey, he has seen, there's only a few people that had seen me like that because I wouldn't like to go out too much like that. But the last two or three years of my drinking, Joey saw what it was like and I had no idea that I wasn't sober. I thought I was sober when you saw me falling all over myself, not able to walk. When the fuck was that? We were at a comedy club and you were performing.

Starting point is 00:28:43 No. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This was the nice one. Was it a different joint? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This was, let me tell you what this was. But that was happening on the regular. And I, in my perspective, as a drunk, I thought I was fine.

Starting point is 00:28:59 One time it was at the comedy club. Yeah. But one time. It was somewhere smaller. Okay, one time I had a movie screening. Was that it? At a fucking theater. That must have been it.

Starting point is 00:29:10 That's ringing some bells. And next door there was a bar or something. And there you were with a group of friends. Yeah. No, you weren't with dudes. You were with a few girls when I got there. Okay. And I hugged you and you were already on your way.

Starting point is 00:29:25 The cigarette was up in the air. The fucking martini drink, there was drinks. And then, well, you didn't introduce me. So I didn't know who the fuck you could have been alone. I might not have even known those girls. So I walked away and I went back with those fucking stiffs. And I sat there and we ate. So it must have been an hour.

Starting point is 00:29:45 When I came back, your shirt was pulled out of your pants. Stomach was sticking out. I mean, you looked beautiful. Hair was fucked up. Yeah. You were falling. And now there was two guys with you. Like, hi.

Starting point is 00:29:56 She's with us. No, they weren't at you. Because when I got here, she was in fucking four brats. So you hugged me and I'm thinking to myself, what can I do? And you wouldn't, you know. And the people I was with, I'm like, what? And also the next thing you know, I went. And when I came back, gone.

Starting point is 00:30:10 The two guys were there. You disappeared. That was normal. That was normal for me. And I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. It was very, very sick. And I'm able to see that now. But when I was, but at that moment in it, I just thought I was having fun.

Starting point is 00:30:24 I was told all the time by my friends that you get to a point where it's like, boom, you can't walk. You can't talk. You're fine. Then boom. And that would happen all the time. And I, it was so weird because I just could never see it. I remember being in that body, but I don't remember not being able to walk.

Starting point is 00:30:39 And then you get the phone calls from the manager of the bar that you know, oh man, you got carried out again. And we don't like people that drunk. We love you. You're our homegirl. But can you not come to the bar again if you're going to get that wasted? And I'm thinking back and like, dude, I was the life of that party. What the fuck are they talking about?

Starting point is 00:30:54 I was buying everyone shots. I was like lining it up in the bathroom. Like, what are you talking about? I was fine, but really I wasn't. And it's so crazy because being a drunk or an addict or whatever you, some people are, when you're in it, you don't see it. In retrospect, I can totally see it. When you're in it, you're blind to it.

Starting point is 00:31:13 It's crazy. My thing was I was never a public guy. Yeah. I didn't like losing control in public. That was very important to me. I grew up in my mom's bar. Yeah. And at a young age, I saw what people did when they were fucked up live and in public.

Starting point is 00:31:32 In the house, you go off. But in that public, I always learned, and I have enough problems with public manners and all this shit. One night in 84, I went off. I love how you remember the years of all this shit. He knows the day. He just doesn't want to tell you. It was Christmas.

Starting point is 00:31:49 It was the day. It was 434 p.m. It was the day or two after Christmas. Like, let's say Christmas is on Thursday. This was on a Saturday. And I went to this party. I started doing blow and there was a girl that I used to date. And the pussy was really good and shit.

Starting point is 00:32:05 And she was another guy in my corner in the bathroom. And next thing you know, we took it outside and it became a little public. Like, people were yelling and shit. And I'm like, please, let me at least dry hump your leg one time. You know, I was out of it. The coke, it was lit up. And it's like I was telling Olivia the other day that was really interesting. Sometimes I call Lee and I go, Lee, get the fuck out of the house.

Starting point is 00:32:27 You know, and Leo, I don't know what you're telling him. I go, Lee, go to the fucking gym. Do you go? Yeah, yeah. We always try to, you know, help each other, whatever. But, you know, and I was telling Lee about edibles and pills, especially what happens to people when they pop pills. I go, Lee, why don't you think I always get on here after?

Starting point is 00:32:47 I mean, we come here, we eat 300. You know what happened to you? And I know you got a high tolerance. I know what would happen to me. If you ate 300 milligrams, you pass out right here. You have to, this shit's strong. It depends, though, because I'm such, I have such an addictive personality that I might actually not pass out, but end up doing something real stupid.

Starting point is 00:33:08 If it's an indica, I'll pass out. But if it's a sativa, my ass will be like, all going to co-paranoia mode. It'll be like, oh my God, let's put the black trash can over there. But it's fucking thick. We've had guests get out and walk out. We had one guest who went to the hospital. We had one guest who called me next day and said, dog, I couldn't believe I got on the 405.

Starting point is 00:33:27 We had to pull over and get an Uber. Edibles are a different world than you know it. Edibles are a different beast. I know this. A different world. Yeah, I've had some bad motherfucking trips on Edibles. And they're like, I tell you, I'm gonna go sweat it out because I go, I go to Jiu-Jitsu. And the first five or six minutes to Jiu-Jitsu is brutal

Starting point is 00:33:44 because it's not only exercise in your body, but you have a comodo on, which you're fucking 3,000 degrees. So that first layer of all those pills and Edibles and reefer just bust out of you. When you wipe your face, you can feel it. You can taste it. You can smell it. And you only want to lick your own sweat

Starting point is 00:34:04 because you're going to get high again for your own perspiration. That first thickness that goes boop. It's just this warm thickness. It's like a gel. It's like a slimy ass fucking gel. I just put it over my head. I just keep putting it over my head. And then what comes out after that is, it's pure.

Starting point is 00:34:21 But that's first blast. Now, if you don't get that shit out of your system, that shit goes into your fat. Oh yeah. It stores in your fat 100%. It stores in your fat. It stores in your fat. And this is what people don't remember. Valiums and shit like that.

Starting point is 00:34:34 I've learned the hard way. I've learned too. When you eat a 10 milligram of Valium, your body only uses five. Right. The other five milligrams get stored in your fat, in your liver, whatever, in your fatty tissues for release later on. That's why they're time released. So you eat fucking 19 Valium's drinking all weekend.

Starting point is 00:34:52 Then you go drinking fucking Friday night. It kicks up those Valium's dog. Yeah. And you're fucked up. Let me tell you something else on top. So as we know, the different drugs that store in the fat cells. So let's say you get sober or you tone the parting down and then you lose a bunch of weight. You get fucked up from the weight loss.

Starting point is 00:35:13 Oh my God. You get fucked the fuck up when you lose two pounds of fat because those drugs that were harbored in your fat cells are now in your bloodstream again. You're like high out of nowhere and it's not even fun. You're like, oh my God, I'm fucked up from my own fat cell. Years of partying just coming out. You get nasty detox symptoms. I remember I broke out.

Starting point is 00:35:31 After I stopped drinking, I broke out for like three years straight. All that shit that was coming out of my fat cells, it was all coming out. It was crazy. I went through the same thing, but you know what, me with the Coke, because I used to go to Kung Fu with these black dudes when I was 400 pounds. And I'd work up with them. I just got clean off the coke. They would put me to strain you with shit.

Starting point is 00:35:53 My heart was beating and I'll never forget that. Sometimes during class, I'd get all paranoid and shit. It would hit. Like I'd be swatting that stuff. I'd see stuff and I'd go to the fields. I could have home Coke. And that was the first two or three months off Coke. You got to figure, since I got out of prison in 89, I didn't stop.

Starting point is 00:36:13 And I finally stopped in 2007. I went straight from 89 four nights a week. Maybe once in a while, I would go five nights, you know, with my resistance held on to it. But I went because I totally, I made myself a deal. I said, listen, it's obviously I'm not going to stop doing this. Right. I don't want to stop. I'm not going to stop doing this.

Starting point is 00:36:36 So we might as well cut a deal with ourselves. As long as we're working, we're hustling, we're doing our job. We could snort three, four nights a week. We'll start off with a gram. And if a girl comes over or something, then we'll kick up the package, whatever. We'll play by you. But I had given myself the green light. I got sick and tired of snorting and beating myself up for four days.

Starting point is 00:36:56 I'm not going to get high for the four days. Just get high. Get high and get out of your fucking system. Get high and get out of your system. And eventually one day you'll go, you know what, I'm not going to do this shit no more. It's so fucking weird. It's so weird. Do you actually get it out of your system?

Starting point is 00:37:11 Yeah. The body is a miraculous thing. It's very self healing. What we can accumulate over like five, 10, 20 years of toxicity. Our body can detox out in two years. Wow. Yeah. I even meant more along the lines of like, if you keep doing it to try to get it out of your system.

Starting point is 00:37:27 Oh, the craving out of your system? I found out today while I was talking to my neighbor who never leaves the apartment complex. One of those, eh? Yeah. And she was telling me that one of our downstairs neighbors crashed her car and totaled it because she had like something like, she takes like 14 Vicodin additives or something. Oh, shit. And she's like a nice older lady, but she just takes like 14 addictions.

Starting point is 00:37:48 Vicodin addiction is real and it's just as nasty as other stuff. And a lot of times we think, oh, our doctor prescribed it. It's okay. Nah, doctors are the biggest fucking drug dealers on earth. So it's like, because a doctor writes it, it's still like, it still kicks in that phenomenon of craving that an addict may have. So, you know, until you deal with the awareness and the acceptance that I have a problem, you're really not going to kick it because you don't know you're, you have a problem,

Starting point is 00:38:14 especially when it's a prescription. Now, how long after your moment of clarity? Yeah. Did you start going to the gym? Oh, I'd been working out that whole time. I'd been working out. Yeah. Because I was always trying to lose that last like six to eight pounds of what I now know

Starting point is 00:38:29 was alcohol. Alcohol. I had no fucking clue. It was my goddamn drinking. I would have stopped drinking long time ago. In the first month, I lost eight pounds of pure fat. I saw a six pack. I was like, holy shit.

Starting point is 00:38:43 If vanity is going to keep me sober, vanity is going to keep me sober. I have, I only work out once a week. I'm ripped and shredded. All I do is lift weights and not drink. And I have the body I always wanted in my twenties, but couldn't get. I was working out five motherfucking days a week. I had a personal trainer. I was counting my calories, eating all this diet food, and I finally just got to a point

Starting point is 00:39:04 after I stopped drinking. I realized it was a motherfucking drink that was hindering my fitness goals. It's crazy. So now I'm a personal trainer and I tell people when they're like me and they have like a little bit of weight to lose, stop drinking for a month and see what happens. And if they don't have a problem, they'll stop and they lose the little weight and they're like, God, you're a genius. And if they don't have a problem, they don't stop and they don't lose the weight.

Starting point is 00:39:27 It's pretty black and white. This is my boy, Lisa. Yeah. Every time you're talking to me, he keeps checking you out. You can check. That's what I'm here for, baby. Make sure you're the real, real, real, holy field. You want to touch my abs?

Starting point is 00:39:38 Don't try to lie to her. You want to touch my abs? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Lee wants to finger you. He don't want to touch your abs. Lee's a Jew from the old country. But my point is, Lee's my brother.

Starting point is 00:39:48 Yeah. You might be the only personal trainer. Oh my God. Lee's checking you out right now. Oh, I mean, look at it. Lee's going over his budget right now. Look, he's on his bank statement going, I think I could fit her in right now. I think I'm going to have to cancel.

Starting point is 00:40:02 I tripped with Paula to Jamaica and just fucking. No, I've just never seen someone so in shape. Oh, no, I was looking at your arms. I take no supplements. I was looking at her stomach. Your arms look great. There's no fat. There's no fat.

Starting point is 00:40:14 Oh my God. You want to touch his stomach? Yeah. I don't want to touch it. You want a six pack fuck my stomach? That's right. You can't bite up in the muscles. No.

Starting point is 00:40:25 I didn't even mean that. I'm TV. You need to understand. People don't expect it from me because I'm pretty and put together. I'm just as nasty as his motherfucker. Me and Joey are fucking nasty. No, no, no. We'll blow the air like that.

Starting point is 00:40:39 That's why we've connected. You can say anything. It doesn't shock me, bother me. I've heard it all. I've been working for Playboy Radio TV for what, 14 years? It's like, I've heard seen everything. I was in there where you were in the morning, some fucking skanks were holding that. The chlamydia was a little weak.

Starting point is 00:40:56 That dirty snatch. You were near there and sitting in the morning. We're like winking at each other and I don't mention the smell. Oh my God. We were there one day and a chick came in. Her feet were so dirty. I couldn't even take it no more. There's two things I hate.

Starting point is 00:41:08 A woman with dirty feet in the morning depends. If she's my girlfriend and she's been walking back and forth from the bathroom. Yeah. That's kind of nice. When you know where it came from. When you got dirty feet. And I hate when I go to Starbucks or a coffee shop or somewhere where you have to stand online and there's women in their hair still plastered from the night before they got fucked.

Starting point is 00:41:28 We call that the Jbf hair. Where it's still up like this. All I think about is you left the house without washing that fucking monkey. No. It's got that condom juice in it and fucking. That fresh Budizzi all over it. And you left the house without giving that fucking flower some water. I'm disgusting at you.

Starting point is 00:41:44 That's how I think. Me too though. That's why Budizzi are fucking good. Budizzi are the way to go. This is the truth. Even before Tushy. I'm glad they're coming back. Even before hello Tushy fucking.

Starting point is 00:41:54 We contacted them. Yes. I'm telling you fucking. This is the way to go. It's unnecessary. Because before you leave. You don't want to wash your hair. That's fine.

Starting point is 00:42:02 But let me at least give some water to the asshole. Just in case you bump into a freak at the coffee shop. And not even the beginning of your day. The middle. The morning. The morning. The mid-afternoon. So who gives a fuck if your thigh smells like dick.

Starting point is 00:42:14 I'm saying that dick smells like fucking Agua Fresca. Yes. I fuck you. Give me a drink. I love that we talk. There's addictions. Because it helps people to understand that. They're not alone for one but two there's hope.

Starting point is 00:42:31 You don't have to live like that. We're not that hope. You know what the most important help was to me? What? That I would sit there at night because you're fucking intelligent. You know you. So are you. You are very intelligent.

Starting point is 00:42:42 You would sit there and go you know like. We were totally. I can't see myself sober. Yes. I didn't want to see myself sober either. Me neither. And I couldn't imagine. Me neither.

Starting point is 00:42:52 You would have told me I wouldn't be drunk right now with you. I would have been like oh no I'm not doing Joey's show without a couple cocktails. No I don't drink. But what are you talking about? I don't drink. I wouldn't be giving a fuck if you. Listen first off. I couldn't imagine it.

Starting point is 00:43:04 And I tell you this to his face. Yeah. If I was still snorting today. This show would have lasted six months. That's how sad this is. Because if it was between me going and let's say my drug dealer called me and said I can't meet you at ten. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:19 I'm going to San Francisco for the weekend. I got to meet you at six thirty and I already had you coming at six. I'd call you and go don't even bother. No I'm not. Because I know that that's six thirties and it'd be seven. Oh. Do you follow me? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:32 So I'm not taking a chance. I'm not losing my coke over some stupid fucking podcast. Totally. That's how I would look at it. How could we? How long we been? How long? How much do you and I we talk about stupid shit and Jews and food and tacos and blizzard

Starting point is 00:43:47 meat. Yeah. How much business do we talk? How much podcasts talk on future and TV. We talk about a lot of shit. That would all have been eliminated. I would never talk to you about that stuff. I would have come in here.

Starting point is 00:43:57 We would have done the podcast. And it still would have been funny when you would have done the podcast. It would have been great. But it wouldn't have been consistent. We wouldn't. No. We wouldn't have been responsible. No.

Starting point is 00:44:08 We started when we started this podcast five years ago. First off, we did six a.m. I said, the only way we're going to start this is to introduce it on the airways is six. So it's up by nine and six on YouTube is nine. People will watch this. Yeah. It's hard to get guests though.

Starting point is 00:44:24 It's six a.m. It's hard to get guests. Yeah. Make people call. That's it. So I have to get people from the East Coast to call. Well, we got to be up at four. Get really high.

Starting point is 00:44:32 Yeah. And do this shit. Yeah. And then by the time you left here, I would go home and eat. I would be so fucking ripped. Yes. Ripped. We need chiba chews at six in the fucking morning.

Starting point is 00:44:45 By seven, we'd be purple in the face. What is it? Well, how do you think I got to 315 pounds? I was working nights on TV and I would go straight to his house or the office. And at eight in the morning, I get a full Jack in the Box dinner. Dude, been there done that. Yeah. Because I was stoned and I wanted fast.

Starting point is 00:45:06 Jack in the Box dinner at eight in the morning. Oh, yeah. What's your Jack in the Box order? Let's see. We've done this. And I live right next to it, so it's tough. My Jack in the Box would have been, here's, I had two orders. Depending on how much fast it would end up being.

Starting point is 00:45:24 I know I want two things at least. So I'm either going to get- Well, obviously you don't go to Jack in the Box to get a single item. No. I'm going to get a chicken main sandwich and get maybe a junior bacon cheeseburger in order of tacos. Yes. Or I'll get a burger big one and a crispy chicken sandwich.

Starting point is 00:45:46 So yeah. No breakfast, Tyler? No, their breakfast isn't that good. Plus, they have hash browns. If you're going to have hash browns over fries, you're an idiot. Yeah. Especially when you want to eat. And for people that don't know, Jack in the Box, it's kind of only in our area.

Starting point is 00:46:00 I get people all the time from New York or other places I visit. Tell me about this Jack in the Box thing. I hear you guys mention all the time. It's a fast food that's only in this kind of region. I think there's a couple in Arizona, maybe a few in Nevada. I used to eat it in Boulder in 1987 before I kicked that vella at that Subaru. I could say about 330, we'd make a Jack in the Box run. And in those days, Jack in the Box used to have a salad or lettuce, tomato with seafood.

Starting point is 00:46:26 Oh, they have salads. No, but they don't have this one anymore. Oh, okay. They had the seafood. That's interesting. That's before my time. And you put a lemon dressing on and I would mix it in the car and the seafood wasn't seafood. No.

Starting point is 00:46:40 It was this white artificial fish that was painted red. Yeah. Like crab meat. Yeah. Oh, it was terrible. When I would drink an iced tea with tons of sugars. Me too. Thousands of sugars with extra lemons.

Starting point is 00:46:53 It's delicious. It's because when you're drinking and drugging the way we were, you dull the senses so bad that you have to overwhelm it with hot sauce, sugar, fake sugar, all this shit to make it taste like something because our senses are so dulled straight up. Because I know once I got clean, I was like, oh my God. I can smell this. I ate a fruit and I was like, holy fuck, fruit's good. Like because I always thought fruit was whack because I couldn't taste it.

Starting point is 00:47:18 Now I'm like, damn, I can taste the nuances of lemon, lime and vanilla all up in this mango. It's crazy. I feel bad because if somebody came to me today and said they wanted, they wanted a snorkeling. Yeah. I don't have to look them in the eye and go, don't do it. And I would feel so terrible. Why? Because how you, Lee and I discussed, it leads to so many fucking.

Starting point is 00:47:43 Ill effects. Well, ill effects and listen, not everybody could end up like us. No, there's a most people don't. Knock on wood. Yeah. That we don't have a story that we got kidnapped to Cologne. Took this to fucking Mexico. You motherfucker.

Starting point is 00:47:58 And sold this, you know. Yeah. You know, there's a bunch of horror stories. Yeah. I mean, we both should not be alive. But like I had to go to fucking, I was talking about this on The Marin Show one time. I had to go to a Beaumont. Like I was in Beaumont.

Starting point is 00:48:13 I had to buy Coke. You drove to Beaumont to buy Coke? No, no. That's motherfucking dedication. I was in Beaumont doing comedy. Oh, okay. You know, in Texas doing comedy and I run out of the fucking Coke and I call this kid and he picks me up at the hotel and he goes, listen, what I'm taking you.

Starting point is 00:48:28 This is like a white supremacy, you know. We don't care. We'll go anywhere. And I went into white supremacy film and I was like, I just saw you in the movie. God damn it. What's your name? Diaz. And all of a sudden the room just stopped.

Starting point is 00:48:42 And I had 300 dollar bills. I gave it to him. He gave me the Coke and I said, thank you. And they said, thanks for coming. You know, but just even that story, which in a way was comical, you know, like you look back and you're like, geez, that shit should not have gone down like that. You have to realize how lucky you are though. I mean, I've come out of all these experienced unscathed.

Starting point is 00:49:02 I have a few superficial flesh wounds from some weird shit. I have no STDs, never been pregnant. Like it's a fucking miracle. I'm alive. I've driven off cliffs. I've driven into park cars. I mean, I literally should not be alive. It's crazy.

Starting point is 00:49:17 So I think the point is what you said. You, if someone wanted to do it, you'd have a hard time being like, sure, let's go buddy, let me rail you up because most people don't end up like us. We are the exceptions to the rule. I know a lot of people who did not make it out on the other side. I got my teeth. Yeah. My skin's fucked up from picking it.

Starting point is 00:49:34 When I get paranoid, I thought I had worms in there or pimples and I pick up with a tweezer. But we in 1993, I went home. Is this heavy for you? You're like about to like cry over it. It's a lot. Because you love them. No, I love them, but I'm just trying to imagine it. And for me, the part, I get terrified at the beginning.

Starting point is 00:49:58 The biggest thing is I don't want to buy Coke and then it's an undercover cop. Well, yeah. That's just my, and I know when you guys got into it, I would imagine the addiction took over that fear, but even for me, just a start is too scary. That's why you start small. You do a friend's, a bump of some friend's shit. You don't go buy it. No, you stand there and you tell your friend, can you get me some?

Starting point is 00:50:21 And they'll get it for you. And then one day they'll go, Lee, knock it off. Just go see it. Get your own. It's the fucking guy that you always see. Go over there. He'll sell it to you. And next thing that you're going over and you become friends with him, you have a relationship

Starting point is 00:50:32 with them. Oh my God. Yeah. I need to put this out there again. I've never been addicted to Coke. I've done a shit ton of Coke. All I like. Alcohol was your thing.

Starting point is 00:50:40 Yeah. Yeah. Once you had three beers and you didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah. But it was anything. It didn't matter what it was. I was doing this, that or the other.

Starting point is 00:50:48 Shit that I would never do. Give me 15 drinks. I was doing it all. Whatever. Heroin. Whatever they had. I've never done heroin. I've never injected anything.

Starting point is 00:50:57 No, no. But they would say that you want to do a line of heroin. What the fuck? I'm already here at six in the morning. You do a little line. I did it. Really? I was out one night and somebody said, you want some heroin?

Starting point is 00:51:05 We're here. What the fuck? No, I definitely know I've done ecstasy pills that had heroin in them. Yeah, yeah. And I didn't care because I was wasted. No. But had I been like eight drinks previous. You would really be one of those people that put the ecstasy in your butt with the turkey

Starting point is 00:51:17 baster? Not with a no with my fucking finger. All you need is two knuckles. You don't need. And how long would it take to get high once you put the ecstasy in your ass? Minutes. You don't know when you weren't high and it's your rocket propelled to the next dimension. It's not like.

Starting point is 00:51:31 Does it melt in your ass? And it burns. That's why. On the one you got to dance. That's why. That's why you have to go up two knuckles. If you only go up to the first one, it's you get, you're going to it out and you're going to lose the pill.

Starting point is 00:51:42 And once it's out, you don't want to put it back in. So you got to stick it up far enough with, you know, some saliva, get it in there and it stays up past that second sphincter. People don't understand the, the anatomy. There's two sphincters, the one that's on the outside, then about two inches up. There's another one. You got to get past that one and then you're smooth sailing. Now all this shit I heard in Hollywood that people would take.

Starting point is 00:52:02 They're lying. Ecstasy and mix it with Viagra. Oh, see, I've never done that. They were put in turkey basters and put it up your asshole. You can do enemas of stuff. I just felt like that's a waste of time process and energy. I'd rather just stick the pill straight up there instead of like getting a turkey baster out and making a big thing of it.

Starting point is 00:52:20 Every year I bumped into a guy, especially, especially because of Coke, that he was putting Coke rocks up his asshole because he couldn't snort anymore or something happened. I was getting into a point where I, not to a point, it would happen from the beginning where I would swallow a pill of ecstasy and my body would just reject it. If I'd throw it up and I'd be sifting through vomit trying to get that pill in there again. I'm like, this is not worth it. This is stupid. This is sick.

Starting point is 00:52:48 And I would tell myself, I'm not doing E tonight. Not doing E, not worth it. It gives me a stomach ache. It makes me yack. Then I'd get drunk. Where's the E? Give me the E. And I got to a point where I heard from some friends, just stick it up your ass.

Starting point is 00:52:59 You won't throw it up. Once you stick it up your ass, it absorbs so much more quickly and harder and it hits you harder that you really don't want to go back to swallowing it or even snorting it. That burns. So you can tolerate a little asshole burn for that boom of it. This is a deep fucking conversation at four in the afternoon. I love it. We're going two knuckles deep, baby.

Starting point is 00:53:17 Two knuckles deep. Oh my God. I never got into ecstasy because I was too old. But you did Kweilud's, right? I did Kweilud's. See, I missed Kweilud's. But in my world, do you want me to tell you something I thought about? I'm not fucking rethought.

Starting point is 00:53:35 In my world, a Kweilud is a, a hit of ecstasy is a dressed up Kweilud. Okay. That's what I, that's what I did. It just evolved. Yes. That's it. It just a pill evolved. They said, what if some dude one morning said, what if we take that Kweilud and sprinkle

Starting point is 00:53:49 fucking heroin on it? Yeah. Or meth or whatever else. And then some other guy said, what if we take a little meth on it? What if we took cocaine on it? What if we put a little acid on it? And that was the fun of it, not knowing what kind of pill you were getting. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:54:01 You could kind of, you know, special order. I want, ooh, a double stacked blue one, or I want a red one, or I want this stamp on it, but you never really knew what you were getting. And so you could kind of guess by the color, but you take one and be like, ooh, this one had meth in it. Can't stop dancing. Can't shut the fuck up. Or one would be like pure MDMA and you're like, oh, I want to massage everyone.

Starting point is 00:54:19 So it really was like a choose your own adventure because you really didn't know. And that was part of the sick fun. It's, it's wild. Now, what was the shit people were shaking up 10 years ago in 1999? What do you mean shaking up? 2000 that came in water in a liquid. GHB? Yes.

Starting point is 00:54:35 What was that? Gee, I never did. Gee, but from what I, from what I know, it isn't a date rate drug, but when you take it consciously and with your own intention, it's very much like ecstasy. Oh, I love you. Sex is amazing. I can feel every cell in your body. You can feel mine.

Starting point is 00:54:51 My heart's opened up. I heard it's very similar. I'd looked for it. I wanted to do it a few times, but it just never presented. I had this crazy, I had this crazy little part time friend fuck buddy. Yeah. In 1998, 99, maybe 97, it was my brokest point. She was a filthy rich girl and on Sunday night, she would go to the economy store and I met

Starting point is 00:55:13 her through acquaintances. I went to the house one day and she was there. She was gorgeous, towering, gorgeous, big, big girl. She became a big size model girl and she was very sweet. And I talked to her. When I came to the economy store, started jacking a drink, you want to do a blast? No shit. I thought about your looks.

Starting point is 00:55:30 I didn't think he did blow. Yeah. She gave me a lot of blind. Her shit. Next thing you know is when you want to come to the house and party, we swap, but I never thought nothing of it. Yeah. Week later, I thought she was just drunk last night.

Starting point is 00:55:43 She would never kiss me the next fucking Sunday. Hi, how are you? Again, this went on. You're very lovable. We went to a Johnny Jackson concert together. She would let me do my laundry at the house. I love it. She knew I was fucking broke, but she understood her father was a manager, so actors and shit.

Starting point is 00:56:05 But then she went, she was not on that went from like, and you've dealt with these people that for three or four months, they hit it. They disappeared. Just like I hit it. I was hiding. I would, I would be with lethal too. And through two 15 Lee, I was deep already. You thought I was going home.

Starting point is 00:56:25 You know, I was just with him. Yeah. What do you mean he's not answering his phone at 10 in the morning? Yeah. Oh my God. I always had it planned out. The minute I left the house, she was good for a couple of months and then one night she showed up.

Starting point is 00:56:38 Then she wasn't good. Then no, she showed up with G in a water bottle and we drank it and we fucking started blackening out of the comedy store. So you know. Yeah. At the store, we started blackening out and then she called the cab and we booked out the cab, went to her house. We fell asleep in the fucking cab.

Starting point is 00:56:55 Then we got up and went into a house. So you probably took a little too much. I think we fucked and then we got there. I remember we woke up naked the next day. It was very embarrassing. That's it. That was the end of that. Then I went over and I was like, again, one time.

Starting point is 00:57:07 And then she, and then no, she's like, let's do some blow and she started to open up her kitchen cabinets at my friend. What? What? What? What was in there? What was in there? Everything.

Starting point is 00:57:21 Where is this girl? Is it time for a relapse? It used to be. It was 19. It was everywhere and she was one of those girls that we didn't have sex right away. She would dress up in little lingerie suits and heels and that shit drives me crazy. What's your favorite outfit that a girl can wear? The pussy.

Starting point is 00:57:42 I don't want to see it naked. I don't want to see nothing. I don't want to give no candles. There's no preference like a French maid, a cheerleader, this or that. You don't give a fuck. You look beautiful today. That's it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:54 Now show me your monkey. I like that motherfucker on fire. It's a Chinese New Year. It's the year the monkey is. Fuck yeah. Yeah. You know, I don't like outfits. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:58:07 You're like, give me the fucking shit. I didn't come here to see you dress up. I like when they make it. I like when they do a little dance. Yes. I like that too. One time, you know, don't fucking do an extended disco version because they're going to have a problem.

Starting point is 00:58:20 My dressing up was a little like juvenile and comedic and farcical. Like, oh, I'm really a cheerleader right now. Little pigtails in like clearly I'm not fucking 18 in high school. You talk to me weird. Yeah. Like, oh my god. Oh, thank me. It's like fucking shut up.

Starting point is 00:58:34 I can't take myself seriously. I want some dirty fat motherfucking keelers. Stuff that big ass cock in my tight little pussy. Yes. Smack me. Is this all you can do? Oh yeah. Right there.

Starting point is 00:58:46 Fuck yeah, Joey. Oh yeah. You fat motherfucker. Did you have it? Oh yeah. Did you come Joey? What the fuck is going on with you? Fuck Joey.

Starting point is 00:58:55 I would have already come by now. I would have come already. We're real lovers. You don't need that pop in circumstance bullshit. I would have said Jesus Christ, my blood pressure medication. Take me to the dungeon again. We keep it real and I think that's why we don't like that shit because it's inauthentic. It's stupid and it's nonsensical.

Starting point is 00:59:12 I don't need someone in an outfit or I don't need me in an outfit to get me going. If I like you, I just need to see you or talk to you or touch you. Talk to you for a while, listen to music. Just get to know you. Let me put something on. You pull on some music. I didn't know you liked that. I do understand though.

Starting point is 00:59:26 Some people feel like the sex life gets stale. They need that stuff. I don't know. I've not got to that point in any of my relationships where I need outfits. But I do understand people who do say it does enhance their sex life. So I'm not putting them down. I'm just saying for me, I find it comical. I like some heels from time to time to get the party started.

Starting point is 00:59:41 Oh yeah. Some nice sexy fucking heels. Some nice shoes. Some fucking heels. There's times I'll see a woman that isn't even that attractive. Yeah. I can tell by her shoes. She's a fucking savage.

Starting point is 00:59:51 Yes. Because if you can walk in with that trajectory, it means you have control of all your muscle groups. And if you can walk like that, like a runway model, you can throw it down in the bed. It's not every pair of shoes. It's just shoes that drive me crazy. Even the flip flop. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:08 The flip flop when you let the flip flop drop and that heel just extends, that's a sexy little thing. Are you a flip man? I don't suck feet. I don't touch feet. I just like to see them. You're hitting my ears pretty feet. That's all.

Starting point is 01:00:22 If we're looking at it, if we're banging and you're feet up in the air, and for some reason I see a heel and it's got a little dirt on it, that's when the nut blows right there. Really? Oh yeah. A little dirt on the heel. Those little Irish chicks, that's my world. Those little dirty Irish women, they fucking take the life out of me and shit.

Starting point is 01:00:38 I love it. A little dirt. Maybe a little dirt on the neck. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But the monkey's got to be fresh. Who the fuck said? I just heard.

Starting point is 01:00:47 Who? Soundgarden. Okay. I like that. I like something with a dirty feel. All right. Something with a dirty feel. Yes.

Starting point is 01:00:58 Like a dirty feel. That's the illusion. It's going to be dirty. But when you take a sniff and it's a fucking flower, you understand me? But she's got dirty feet. I understand. That's where the hopatois comes in. The monkey's clean.

Starting point is 01:01:10 That's the paradox right there. But the feet are fucking dirty, at least I am. What do you think of that then? I also... Trust me, I like thongs. But I... Where is... By the way, I like thongs.

Starting point is 01:01:20 Yeah. Oh yeah. Not me. Not on me. No, I know. I know. But actually my favorite are actually boy shorts. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:28 They make anyone's ass look better. That's why. Yeah. You have to have a perfect body to rock a G-string. You can't have a subpar ass and make a G-string look good. The smaller the underwear is, the more perfect a woman's body needs to be to make it look banging. Boy shorts are more forgiving.

Starting point is 01:01:43 They create an illusion of a big juicy ass even when you may not have one. So if someone with a big juicy ass, their ass looks amazing. Someone without a big juicy ass, their ass looks amazing. It still looks good. It's a magic. Yeah. And then there's a beautiful one. I'll take it.

Starting point is 01:01:57 So all those years at Playboy, you met all those girls. Yeah. I love most of them. You get to know them. I came up with the one I met. I did 18 Wheels of Justice and one of the girls that played a hooker was... She lived on whatever the fuck it was up there with Hugh. Oh, she lived at the mansion.

Starting point is 01:02:17 Yeah. Yeah. She lived at the mansion on the hill. Okay. A lot of plastic surgery. She was trying to look like somebody. This is 98. Okay.

Starting point is 01:02:25 The ice cream man's outside. This is the Mexican. I'll tell them. I heard them a few minutes ago. I keep hearing those bells. I'm like, is that the Mexican ice cream? They're my mother fucker rocks. Dude, I love me.

Starting point is 01:02:33 I haven't had that shit in so long. Oh, my God. There's something about the ice cream trick. Ice cream that is just not like any other. This guy. No, no. This motherfucker is the best. He's got the bomb bomb.

Starting point is 01:02:42 He's got a fucking banana split, which I don't eat since I was eight. That's what I'm saying. Shit, that's not even good anymore. That's bomb. That fucking rocked your world. That little man. Fresh fruit. He's Mexican.

Starting point is 01:02:54 I love fresh fruit too. That fruit just came out of the fucking border. Yellow banana. No fucking brown spots. Yes. He gives you Dairy Queen vanilla with two things and a pound of whipped cream, Mexican whipped cream butter. Everything that's going to kill your fucking heart.

Starting point is 01:03:07 Yeah. You understand me? Not ready with it. $4. $0.50. He charges $4.50. I do that side. I'll be right back.

Starting point is 01:03:17 One time me, my daughter and Mercy fucking ate one. What? That's how big it is. Me, my wife and Mercy ate one. Mercy was two at the time. I love this. Yes. We blasted a banana split because that's the one that used to come to our house too.

Starting point is 01:03:31 That's so cool. It's the same motherfucker. I love it. And look at you supporting business like that. Mom, pop business. He sells everything out of there. You could probably buy a gun from that guy. He's got a kilo blow.

Starting point is 01:03:41 He's got ice cream. He's got shoes. He's got suits. He's got lawn chairs. He's got cheeseburgers. That's my kind of guy. That dude's got crackers, bubblegum. He's got fucking everything on there.

Starting point is 01:03:51 You know what? He'll come around now. It's five o'clock, six o'clock. See that's his timing was always bad. Like he come over at six. Kids aren't going to jump out of the house at six, they're eating dinner. But this motherfucker comes back at eight and about 10.30 he comes back. Sometimes you're sitting there watching KTLA news at 10.

Starting point is 01:04:09 Take it to yourself. Take it to yourself. I wish the Mexican ice cream man was here. See, that's he'd show up. He'd show up. He probably doesn't at six because he knows everyone's having dinner. He's like, it's a little reminder. He don't.

Starting point is 01:04:22 This guy's a genius. Yeah, he will be in front of you and he won't ring the bell after 10. He just sits in front of the house with your fat and he lets the engine roll and you'll be sitting in the room going, what is that noise? You can feel his presence. Oh, my God. You fucking I used to see that guy 1045. I'd run down the block when my wife was pregnant.

Starting point is 01:04:42 That dude and me had an intimate fucking relationship those nights. I stayed in towards the end. I would have run out there with that dude. Doug, what the fuck you been? Oh, this family took me over there. How did you manage to stay? I know you said you worked out every day, but that's like that. That's what everyone says is they gain weight when they drink.

Starting point is 01:05:04 And I can't imagine that you were that money. No, I was like one hundred and twenty eight pounds. My boobs were a full full cup size bigger. I was a D all natural. So my boobs were very heavy and I just had a lot of water retention. That shit's heavy, man. My face was bloated. I was I was still looking good, though, but I wasn't looking like I look now.

Starting point is 01:05:25 Like now I look like me. This is how I'm supposed to look before I look like a puffed out version of me. And I didn't know any better. So yeah, you lose the water weight, you lose excess fat and boom. When I saw you putting up the videos and stuff and you working out and talking. Yeah, I thought about a lot of people who I didn't know your game. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know you stopped drinking.

Starting point is 01:05:45 No, you look like you stopped drinking. Yeah, you can tell you can tell. And I could tell that. But I'm like, is she one of these fucking people that got clean? Went to rehab and got the jumping jacks for the first time in their life. No, I've been an athlete. I got to hear it for fucking 10 years. No, they work out every day because of me.

Starting point is 01:06:04 I grew up as an athlete. Me too. Even when the beginnings of doing blow, I was doing shit. And then when I moved to Hollywood, I didn't do that because that dude died. He did blow the night before the next day he played basketball and he died. I said, fuck that. I'll never go to the fucking gym. You know, my trainer told me because she I was very honest with everyone

Starting point is 01:06:25 about my alcohol use and my drug use. And I would just said to my personal trainer, can I come to the the gym coked out or drunk? She goes, no, come the day after so you can get out of your system. But don't come in fucked up. No, no. It was so funny that me and my trainer, my health trainer, we're like talking about my drug use and it still was never brought up like this.

Starting point is 01:06:45 Maybe you should not do it at all. You know, like no one ever said no one ever said to me once, don't do it. Not that it's their responsibility or their fault. I did what I did. But it's just so funny how no one was like, stop, bitch. Well, let me tell you something really weird. When I first met you, yeah, the next couple of times. And this is hard to explain to somebody because you'll see it for me also

Starting point is 01:07:08 because we discussed it before the podcast started. This was part of who you were. Absolutely. This was part of your fucking job. Absolutely. This is who you were. Artie Lang, that's who he was on the Howard Stern show. People expected it. Why? Because we all love a train wreck. That's who I was.

Starting point is 01:07:23 People love watching a train wreck sometimes. You know, I remember one night throwing a fit I didn't talk to Steve Byrne for years. Oh, shit. And he's the nicest guy in the world. He is so sweet. He is one of the best fucking guys in comedy. Yeah, good guy. And one night in one of those cocaine, those cocaine.

Starting point is 01:07:43 You know, you know, when you're not on a coke because when you party, OK, I could see the clarity in your eyes now. Oh, I was totally, totally cross-eyed. 100 percent party. Like, let's say if I went out tonight and did a gram of coke, maybe three vodka oranges at the comedy store along the way home, we stopped and we got a six pack of beer. But I did that gram of blow whacked off twice and went to bed.

Starting point is 01:08:13 Tides Tuesday night. Yeah. My Wednesday night set, even if Richard Pratt got up from the grave and wrote it, Robin Williams and Sam Kandeson. Oh, shit. I would still not do well because I got to tell you something. It would stay in my psyche, the drugs. Oh, absolutely.

Starting point is 01:08:31 The electric or something that's in that coke would stay in there. So what would happen? I'd say to myself, you know what, I'm fucked to the week anyway. Yeah, I'm going to get another package. I go to another package on Wednesday and I fuck it up. And in Thursday, I get lucky from just being crazy, from just being crazy and them catching the tail end of a coke induced

Starting point is 01:08:54 rant that is funny to look at. Yes. But not from my perspective. You know, it's not in the moment. No, it was just bullshit. And that's what it is. All those drugs and alcohol, all those years. And for me, it wasn't alcohol. I got to stop saying that. It was basically you're not in the moment.

Starting point is 01:09:11 No, not at all. It feels like shit when you're up there. It's anguish. It feels like shit. It feels horrible. Yeah. It feels like that up there. But weren't you drinking when you were doing coke? Yeah, but he wasn't drinking to get drunk. You kind of drink to do coke to take the edge off, right? Or just to do something.

Starting point is 01:09:29 I'd be at the Comedy Store. For me, I would just do it to have something to hold on to. OK, so rule number one. I never did coke before I went on stage. Oh, really? My spots were eleven thirty. So, you know, you got to have the fucking strength of ten fucking. What's it do to who walks on colds? Oh, and the New Robins.

Starting point is 01:09:46 You got to have the strength of ten Anthony Robins to not snort till ten o'clock, eleven thirty. Yeah, it's an ego boost. What I would do, I would go to the store at nine thirty, make sure the guy had it or stop it or compadre, get a package there and then go up to there and get another package from him. So they both didn't know I had a package.

Starting point is 01:10:06 Right, right. That was a good night when I had two packages. For sure. And I get on the fucking pop-up list. So there was a cancellation. I go up first. If not, I went up eleven forty five, eleven thirty. But let's say you came to me and said, Joe, you're next. I go to the bar and get a white Russian. Maybe two white Russians. I could drink those things like a fucking animal.

Starting point is 01:10:26 Yeah, I just know that the Kahlua, the sugar in the Kahlua would kill me as a hangover. So I'll keep him down to one. Right. Then the next thing I drink, I would probably be like, if I was driving, fuck no, I wouldn't fucking. If I was driving, I wouldn't do deck. Right. But if I wasn't driving, I'd do a little whiskey on the rocks. And then I don't really have the two packages in my pocket.

Starting point is 01:10:49 I go on stage with the whiskey in me or the white Russian in me to calm my nerves for those last 15 minutes before I go on stage. Takes the edge off. Because no, takes the edge off, waiting to start to blow. Well, yeah, because that's anxiety at that point. That's an anxiety. That's the patient. But the time I got on stage, I didn't give a fuck if Cindy Crawford had her legs up in the air,

Starting point is 01:11:13 I would walk right past her into the bathroom. Hey, Joey, good set. I walk right past everybody and go in the bathroom and do two blasts, get an attitude adjustment. And now I can come out and talk to people. Now I was good. I do. That would just open up the path and give me a little self-confidence.

Starting point is 01:11:31 I go back and have a beer and then I had to go home to get that fucking fire started. Totally. It sounds silly, but I've been to the comedy store many times when the bathrooms are filled with what would happen. You just fucking bought the place. You make it happen. I found the place.

Starting point is 01:11:45 That coke was ready to go. It was grinded up. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't. Yeah, you prepare for it. You get the key ready. You have a little bullet ready. You have you. I've done it off the side of a driver's license.

Starting point is 01:11:56 I mean, I've done it hiding under my hair before. You know, when you want to do it, you make it happen. Hiding under your hair is a good one. Yeah, I'm lucky, right? No, but like, you'll notice a lot of people have coke nails and you're like, really? Is that for looks? No, usually it's to just bust a bus whenever we were.

Starting point is 01:12:12 Guy was on George Perez, a good friend of ours a couple of weeks ago. We're talking about he didn't know what a what was the word tweaking. OK, doing math. I mean, well, because I used to do coke and I used to tweak. Oh, really? Well, tweaking is when you get paranoid and all that shit. Oh, I thought tweaking was like a moniker for doing meth. But yeah, tweaking paranoia for sure.

Starting point is 01:12:32 Like, I would go like I would then I tweaked a lot on a lot of stuff. Yeah, and I would tell Lee, like, you know, the worst thing about that whole evening. It'd be at the end of the night when you had to go to the bathroom and pee. And you had that last glance of yourself in the mirror. I wouldn't even know. Yeah. I wouldn't even know that last glance of yourself is the truth that you never want to face. And the first time you do then you start facing that mirror, you cry in front of it.

Starting point is 01:13:01 You promise yourself you're never going to do this again. And then 20 minutes later, you're doing it again. We're fucking who we are looking for a fucking kilo. I invited my dealer to my wedding. Well, you have to. Yeah, yeah, that's that's a smart way. Yeah, that's the only way to free wedding gifts. And it gives you a ball plus on the house.

Starting point is 01:13:25 Plus he fucking sits there all night giving it away. Oh, yes. Please. I had my fucking dealer close to everything. And if I owed him money, I'd have him close to me. I told him to come down. That I was going to give all I was working for guys at once. And it was classic. He had that rotation. I had a guy by my brother.

Starting point is 01:13:44 He's still my brother. So today I'd make him come down to the economy. So I told my 10 guys want to buy it and he'd come then. I don't know where they went. And I got it. Yeah, but you owe me money. Just give me a package with 200, 400. It gives a fuck.

Starting point is 01:13:58 It's all going to the same place. We fucking Jay Leno calls. What do you think's going with me to the performance? And what do you think's catching the check with me? Tell me, who? Who? Me? All right. Thank you. Give me a fucking. Give me the goddamn fucking back. Let me get some shout outs here. Please do.

Starting point is 01:14:13 I'm happy you came up tonight. My main man who we met at the store, Garnett, oldest Chuck, you bad motherfucking Canadian. I love you. John Wolf J. T. J. Gonzalez. Jesse Castro, Philip Rusty. You're a fucking star. Tom Gamuzki, Chris O'Hara, Bob LaLingus and family

Starting point is 01:14:34 shouts out to Chicago, hoping I'd show in snow. Coxuckers, Ashley Risa and Dave Repreza. Nice. What are you fucking nuts? Don't forget I'll be at the Toluca Lucca Casino January 6th. I hate blowing fucking smoke up your people's asses. But I got to tell you now, that's it. I just got out of the way. I usually don't tell you people to have to Christmas

Starting point is 01:14:57 because who gives a fuck about New Year's or the week after New Year's? I really, you know, and I told them. No, we can think that far in advance anyway. Just tweet it. I said, dog, nobody gives a fuck. Right now, everybody's thinking about jingle bells. Yeah. And where are you going for Christmas? Home. My family's home, Long Beach, California, born and raised.

Starting point is 01:15:13 Really? Yeah. Yeah, everyone's local. I'm a California girl. Oh, my God, they're from Ohio. Everyone always thinks that. You have a little higher look to you. My my great-grandparents are from Ohio. There you go. So who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Yeah, I can even break it down to a fucking.

Starting point is 01:15:31 You got that lineage discernment. He's like, what's up with you Tarzan? How are you feeling? What do you got planned for the weekend? What are you planning for the weekend? What fucking guy blow my mind? What is it? The zipline and you put them out of business. Did he break it or what? He almost did. You motherfucker.

Starting point is 01:15:45 No, it's a zipline. See, this is how rumors get started. They threw him out. They threw him out. He couldn't work. Tell me there's a video. No, no, no. It's a fucking handbrake.

Starting point is 01:15:54 What do you mean couldn't work? He couldn't work. No, no, no, no, no. No. OK. OK, now you need to defend yourself because all you do is. I do, but never let me. Is this?

Starting point is 01:16:02 No, I know. I know you know how to do that. I know how to do it. Yes. So what? We went up to this place and I've gone ziplining a thousand times and haven't broke anything. OK.

Starting point is 01:16:10 You never went ziplining before. OK. Why you blow smoke up my ass? I'm a real class zipline. You never went ziplining before. Stop bullshitting right there. I said paint the picture for me. You got talked into this.

Starting point is 01:16:22 Right, where was the zipline? Was it downtown LA? Was it the Amazon forest? Where the fuck was this? It was like Las Vegas Strip? No, it's like an hour north of here. It's like there's like a forest. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:16:32 It's like an hour. It's an hour away from here. OK. You went to the mountains? I went to the mountains and this place, it was really cool. Had the ziplines all throughout the big trees. Hey, I'm a good zipliner, Joey. But anyways.

Starting point is 01:16:48 They pushed you off? No, no, no. They didn't have any brakes on it. It had no brakes. So how was one to stop? Do you get caught by the other person? Or what do they tell you to do? They tell you, you have to pull your literally,

Starting point is 01:17:01 like make your hand flat. OK. And put it on the. So apply pressure to the wire. To the wire in front of you. Got it. And you have to do it slowly, because if you put it down too fast, it's going to go crazy

Starting point is 01:17:14 and you're going to stop. Yeah, you want to apply it smoothly and with even pressure and then harder and harder. I got it. Right. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. You painted a very nice picture. And so what happened, Bo?

Starting point is 01:17:26 So what happened was, and if you go to their Yelp page, it proves my point. They give you literally two tries. And apparently I didn't do it. I didn't hurt myself. I got to the thing. But they said I didn't do it satisfactory in four people. Fuck this.

Starting point is 01:17:46 Why are they yelping you on your performance at their place when they didn't give you proper instruction? Exactly. Let's do an uprising. And I said, just give me a quick. Because we were just in this little practice area. I'm like, give me a little. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Starting point is 01:17:57 You weren't even up on the thing. This was the practice area? No, no, no. We were up in the trees, but it was at the spot because they do it. I got you. I got you. They have it set up so they can send half the groups home.

Starting point is 01:18:10 If you go to their Yelp page, Mr. Diaz, where they have very. Should we just go and show them up? That's closed down. Oh, it closed down. He took the rope down in the training areas. I didn't take any ropes in. There were some people. You probably saved some lives.

Starting point is 01:18:25 I did. This incident, you are a hero, young man. Thank you. I want to be honored by the city. I'm telling you, your misfortune in that circumstance probably saved the lives of tens of people. Don't believe that. Don't buy it.

Starting point is 01:18:39 See, I'm an optimist. I'm forever an optimist. I always find the highlightings in awkward stories. The 14 years playboard radio. Yeah, just got got an email, got a call. Truckers are fucking jerking off. You know, it was a slow dissolving. First, we were no longer on serious exam.

Starting point is 01:19:01 Then we had created our own home living online where people could listen to us live on demand on podcast. We tried to give our fans a place where they could find us because we never renewed our contract with the satellite. Then it was podcast only. Then it was live broadcasting certain days a week plus listening on demand. And finally, it became fewer shows.

Starting point is 01:19:22 And then I was one of the last ones standing. And then finally, it was just we don't have the opportunity to keep doing this. So we just fizzled out. I know that we are still available in places like Dash Radio and stuff, but my shows aren't on there. I don't think if they are, I don't know. And now you don't want.

Starting point is 01:19:38 Now I'm really focusing on health, wellness, personal training. I'm still doing voiceovers. I'm still doing random acting stuff here or there. I'm doing the Mr. Skin podcast. I'm just staying busy. I've been a personal trainer for the last five years. I love helping people. I obviously don't do it for the money

Starting point is 01:19:55 because it's not a very lucrative business. I love taking some clay and molding it. And they tried to look at you with the little Jew look. Let me tell you, though. You look at your smile and you went like this. You took a look at the belly. He likes you. There's no secret.

Starting point is 01:20:10 Everyone's like, what's your fucking secret? The secret is there is no secret. Don't eat like a fucking animal and move your body every once in a while, lift heavy shit and have the body of your dreams. You lift heavy shit? I lift heavy shit. I don't do any cardio.

Starting point is 01:20:21 It's a waste of motherfucking time. I go on adventures. I go for long ass 13 mile hikes. Oh, that sounds terrible. I do things like ziplining. I go kayaking, but I'm not going to go on a treadmill. What do you do? You just do weights.

Starting point is 01:20:33 I just lift weights in functional exercise. Dead lifts, you name it. Squats. Yeah. Or like squat machines. I don't go on machines. I feel like machines are cheating and bullshitting. Just fucking weights.

Starting point is 01:20:44 You want weights. If you want to get full body engagement, work the core, get stable everywhere, you need to get off the fucking machine. Stop isolating your muscles. When in life are you isolating your quad? Never. Do movements that you're actually going to do in real life. Hey, I'm moving something.

Starting point is 01:20:58 Maybe I'll squat up and lift it. You're not going to ever sit down and flex your fucking leg out. Right? So why would I do that in the gym? I only want to do movements that are going to make my life better. You should take a lead out of a long beast. I have a full gym at my place. You can come over.

Starting point is 01:21:13 I'll cook you lunch. Holy, there you go. Work you the fuck out. And she puts on tight little shorts and a tight little shirt. It's over. Yes. You know what I'm saying? If you're lucky, she won't wear undies,

Starting point is 01:21:23 so you get the full patois of the workout. Oh, there's nothing better than a camel toe. Stop it while you're working out. You'll do a thousand push-ups staring at a camel toe. I think she might be book solid after this podcast. I don't know. I mean, I do scare a lot of people off, but the fact is I only do things that aren't going to waste your time.

Starting point is 01:21:41 And I'm only going to do exercises that I know are effective. And I'm going to tell you what I've done. And you can use that as kind of suggestions. I don't force a diet on anyone. I don't force anyone to do anything. But I tell you what I did. And if you like how I look, maybe you'll do what I do. But it's only by suggestion.

Starting point is 01:21:56 The only thing I demand you do is the work we're doing in the gym. Three sets of everything. You know why I'm really happy to see you tonight? Thanks. I'm happy to see you tonight. Because I didn't think you would not. No, I never know. Maybe because I thought you were going to be dead right now. No, no, no.

Starting point is 01:22:07 Me too. No, no, no. By the time I saw you outside, you were like a ray of sunshine. And you didn't come in here. You know, bad playboy radio ended. But the fuck do you want from me? No, we're friends. Like, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 01:22:21 I'm just saying like playboy radio ended. That's your attitude. What the fuck do you want from me? Yeah. Some people come in here and go fuck them. They did this and they did that. You know what? They gave you 14 fucking years of work.

Starting point is 01:22:32 I am grateful for that. Oh, my God, how lucky you are. I am so fucking grateful. And sometimes jobs and mental. And sometimes I'm like, you know what? I really enjoyed it, but it was time to pull the plug on that. Let me tell you, every day. So I've always worked for playboy for the last 14 years.

Starting point is 01:22:48 I've lived in Irvine. I've lived in Tustin. I went to school at UCI. I've lived in Long Beach. I've driven to playboy that whole time for the last 14 years. What do I do when I'm driving? I'm in gratitude. Thank you for this work.

Starting point is 01:23:00 I understand that as a female, that pretty much is only known for getting naked. Having a regular job is not normal. People are waiting tables. They're doing side jobs. They're doing all this stuff. I had a job every day, three hours a day, set call time for 14 motherfucking years.

Starting point is 01:23:17 I started on Playboy TV on their Naked News called The Week in Flash. I've done tens of other shows on Playboy TV. I've always had Playboy radio for the last nine years. So I've done 29 Playboy pictorials for their special editions, college girls, book a lingerie, natural beauties, what? Like you name it, I've done it. I've had full-time work for Playboy.

Starting point is 01:23:35 And even I was crazy and self-centered and full of my ego and bullshit. I always knew to be grateful for that work. Now, you and me and myself were talking about how I first saw you. We were on TV. Yep, on The Surreal Life on VH1. What year is that?

Starting point is 01:23:50 That was, I believe, 2006. That was when I saw you. That was 10 years ago. I was 22 years old because I remember they made fun of me for being young and dumb on that show. 22 years old. Yeah. And I thought I was so smart and so hot.

Starting point is 01:24:05 I look back and I'm like, I was just young and naive and foolish. But wow, what a trip. Yeah. And that was the beginning of? Celebrity reality. That was when reality shows really took off. There was a smattering of reality TV. There were some documentary type shows.

Starting point is 01:24:21 There was the real world on MTV. But there was no celebrity reality shows. So The Surreal Life was the first reality show that tapped into that celebrity brand. And to be honest, brought in a bunch of washed up, CD list actors whose careers had kind of fizzled that they wanted to be on the spotlight again and rehabilitated their careers in a way,

Starting point is 01:24:39 put them in the spotlight, give them a fat paycheck. And then they took some, they couldn't have it like, you know, the oldies special. So they'd thrown a couple of girls like me, some girls from like American Idol that were young and hot or Playmate of the Year. This or that. They found me through Playboy TV.

Starting point is 01:24:54 And I filled that role of like the young, hot, drunk one that's willing to get naked and jump in the pool. What season was that? I was season six, which was Florence Henderson, CeCe DeVille, Tanya Cattain, Sherman Hemsley. And there was a few others too. But then I did season seven right after it, which was The Fame Games,

Starting point is 01:25:11 where they took all the season, a previous cast favorites. So me, Ron Jeremy, Vern Troyer, you know, Peppa from Salt and Peppa, Vanilla Ice, all the characters and Robin Leach put us in a house together. And that was when shit went down. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. It's emotionally exhausting though.

Starting point is 01:25:30 I always tell myself I'm never gonna do reality again. It was such a hard experience. But fuck yeah, I'd do it again. It was fun. Yeah, it's a little stressful while you're doing it, but it actually made me smarter, savvier, more confident, way more street smart. You know, I really am grateful for that opportunity,

Starting point is 01:25:47 even though it was kind of a pain in the ass to do. I don't like cameras on me. But maybe that's why you need it. It's kind of that exposure. Like you're exposed to the fear. You're exposed to what you don't want. And then when you can't leave it, it's literally everywhere. I'm a ham. It's everywhere.

Starting point is 01:26:02 I love being on camera. And I'd be like trying to pop a motherfucking blackhead. And I'm like, dude, can I get any privacy? Like they are literally on you every second of the day. The only time they are not filming you is when you're on the toilet or in the shower. It's crazy. Do you think it would be hard today

Starting point is 01:26:20 to get on to do a reality show like that because you couldn't have your phone or social media and internet? Like that wasn't that big back then. It wasn't that big then, but it was still an issue. They do take your phone. And you know, I've always been a texture. Yeah, it would be really challenging.

Starting point is 01:26:36 There was no clocks on the wall. There was no magazines. There was no books. There was no TV because there's just a top shelf bar. They want you guys to get a little tipsy and start having interactions with each other because that's where the TV is made. That's where the drama is.

Starting point is 01:26:49 So if you have distractions, phone, magazines, TV, books, you're not gonna interact. So they create a scenario where you will get tipsy and you have no choice but to entertain each other. How long were you in the house for? A month. No, no leaving? No, well, leaving for like events, adventures.

Starting point is 01:27:06 Oh, we have this plan. We're gonna go to downtown Las Vegas today and we're gonna do this, that or the other. Oh, we're gonna be judging this or we're going up to wine country. They would plan events, but for the most part you're stuck in that house. Yeah, it was nuts.

Starting point is 01:27:18 And that's why it was emotionally exhausting. I just wanna call my boyfriend. I just wanna fucking see my dog. I just wanna fucking know what goddamn time it is. Fuck it, let's just drink. I mean, it was stressful. And you don't realize it. And people are like, oh my God, really that stressed you out,

Starting point is 01:27:33 bitch, what a quality stressor they have. But it really is stressful because you're put in an emotionally draining situation and you're being filmed. So not only are you like on camera, so you're trying not to act like you're acting, but you are and then you're stressed out and you're drunk and you're deprived

Starting point is 01:27:50 of everything that matters to you. It's really emotionally draining. See, for me, I'm a pot smoker. Yeah. Pot smoker kind of fills my personality. Well, you know, you have to assume, if you see me, that I'm 60% stoned. Like, no, no, no.

Starting point is 01:28:05 You gotta assume 90% that I'm fucking high. Now you have to rate what grade. Right. How far deep I'm into my mind fuck. Right. You understand me? Yeah, I'm a former huge stoner. I'm not gonna tell you something, man.

Starting point is 01:28:19 When I'm deep into my mind fuck. You don't wanna be filmed. Damn, what the fuck is it, Lee? Well, I didn't know if you weren't Lee. You're the Captain Kirk and the Enterprise. How many times you say something and I go, Lee, what are you gonna bother me with this for? You know this answer.

Starting point is 01:28:38 Go do it. Lee's a smart guy. What do you thought? You're the fucking, you run this shit. I just come in and fuck around with you. And I could see him looking at me. It's cause I'm deep. I'm three days in.

Starting point is 01:28:50 We just put in 300 milligrams of fucking tar and fucking- The transmission fluid, let me tell you. I'm one of those people that I look at the label of everything. That's some quality shit right there. No, that's made with the lady at the perennial. See, nobody tells you nothing,

Starting point is 01:29:06 but this lady at the perennial goes, you know why that shit's fucking people up? And they sell everything there. She even- It's not clean. She goes, no, it's got oil. Yeah. It's made with this fucking oil.

Starting point is 01:29:15 That's what I'm saying. And it knocks you over the top. We're the only two animals that can eat 300 milligrams. Not too many people could eat a lot 300 milligrams of that shit. Yeah, and it was so oily. You know how we said earlier

Starting point is 01:29:26 how the THC and other drugs are stored in your fat? So the oil is what exacerbates the high. So when you get something hella oily like that, it's gonna hit you hard. It's gonna hit you clean. It's gonna hit you fast. Tomorrow I go to Jiu Jitsu. I love that.

Starting point is 01:29:40 And after 10 minutes of me fucking on the bottom, sweating, anxiety, sweat, which is even worse. Oh, it's all smelling and slamming. You know, tomorrow I go to Jiu Jitsu and I'm jumping rope to warm up. I'll do some kettlebells to warm up. I'll stretch my shoulder. I'll do that in the back.

Starting point is 01:29:54 See, functional training. Functional training. They have like tactical fitness there. So they have a lot of that shit. I wanna come play with you. So I'll warm up over there. And then at 12, I jump into the Jiu Jitsu. During the warm up,

Starting point is 01:30:05 I'm having a fucking mental breakdown because I can't breathe. Right. I'm on my back. I'm doing sit-ups. I'm doing jumping jacks. I'm doing squats. But I'm breathing out of my nose to the movement.

Starting point is 01:30:17 I just keep telling myself to breathe. I do that too. I breathe through the cadence and the rhythm. And you have to. That's it. And you won't have to. You won't have to. And next thing you know, you're stretching.

Starting point is 01:30:26 It's the end of the warm up. And right there, when I go like this with my hand, I wipe my hand, that first layer of sweat that's coming out of me, guys, is the best. And then you wipe it on your gi. And from there and everything changes. And then another batch comes out later on. That's from 1988.

Starting point is 01:30:45 That was stuck in your foot, fuck it. Chapssum old resources. And then you start, it's amazing. I love all that shit. I always knew at a young age. For me, after I did blow, I didn't want to sweat because I didn't want to bother the heart. As long as I had me so soup and sushi,

Starting point is 01:31:03 I was going to be okay that night, you understand me? That was my little mind fuck. That was your healing. For healing myself. Your healing ritual. You know what I'm saying? How long did it take you? To clean my system?

Starting point is 01:31:13 No, no, no, no. After you stopped drinking, it took you like six months to realize what you had done. It took me like six months to realize. No, I knew. Were you on shaky ground those six months? I was emotionally unstable. Did you think I would call you?

Starting point is 01:31:26 Not me. Could anybody at that time have convinced you to go have a drink? No. You were good. You were going to go. I was immediately done. You weren't walking on eggshells

Starting point is 01:31:36 because you were like St. Paddy's is coming. No, I actually, it's so funny. I had my last drink on March 3rd. And I was like, oh shit, St. Patrick's Day. Yep. Maybe I should wait till the 18th. I was talking to my friends and they're like, just don't go out.

Starting point is 01:31:51 It's just another day. You know what? And they go, I go, yeah, but it's a holiday and it's a drinking holiday. They said, bitch, every day to you was a drinking holiday. You didn't need an excuse. You don't need an excuse now. Just don't go out.

Starting point is 01:32:02 And I actually went to Vegas with Playboy four weeks into my sobriety of my not drinking alcohol. And I was really scared. Not that I would drink, but that I wouldn't know how to have a good time because I'd never been an adult having fun without booze. And I actually went to a club and I started dancing just sober,

Starting point is 01:32:20 like not even a pot cookie or anything. And I was like, oh my God, it was another moment of clarity. I can have fun and I can dance like a nasty fucking beast without alcohol. And to me, all these little steps were validation that I didn't need that shit. It was, I have a very unique story. I had a very high rock bottom.

Starting point is 01:32:38 You know, I didn't have to go to the depths. I didn't end up on Skid Motherfucking Row. I didn't go to rehab. I didn't have like some white light experience. I just woke up one day sick and tired of this shit. And I really was like, I'm done. It was, it was, I think it was a miracle because like I couldn't stop before.

Starting point is 01:32:54 I tried everything, switched alcohols, tried to not drink, you know, tried to read self-help books, tried to do like master cleanses and nothing worked. And then one day I just didn't have to drink anymore. I can't figure it out. So I'm just right in the way. It's amazing how it clicked.

Starting point is 01:33:11 It clicked, it clicked hard. It clicked profoundly and that's what it was. Nothing was ever profound before. I was like, fuck, I've been lying to myself. I quit in November and I was thinking about it from November or October before. Yeah. That this had to end.

Starting point is 01:33:26 I kept getting electrical shocks. Yes, me too. I knew it had to end, yes. I kept thinking this has to end. It was these jolts of electricity. And then I got a call from a buddy of mine and got a rest of his phone. He goes, hey man, I'm back in Jersey.

Starting point is 01:33:38 We start talking. I go, so you still got nothing? He goes, oh, absolutely. He goes, I go down to Newark and I get $7 bags. That's tremendous ever since 9-11. The average. $7. $7 bags of hair when I go, I said to him, send me some.

Starting point is 01:33:54 He took down my address. I hung up the phone. I'm like, he ain't gonna send me nothing. Do you know that? Not even a week later in my mailbox written like a kid that was free, my name, Jose Diaz, whatever. He fucking sent it to me, three little sevens. That's crazy.

Starting point is 01:34:13 Like nothing, like it was nothing. I did a couple of bumps on a Monday. I got sick and then it was funny because I would do it and not get high and not get snorkeled during the week. That's really bizarre. So I stayed off coke because I would do heroin one night a week.

Starting point is 01:34:26 I'm so glad I never tried heroin. I'm so glad I never tried it. This is like fucking, I gotta go to Harvard and go listen, let me tell you my story. Take my brain out at the end and take a look because something happened. Yeah, something motherfucking happened. Then in September I started doing a little coke again.

Starting point is 01:34:43 But then I went to Jersey and I was, and whatever. All I needed was a hotel room. Yes. That was my whole thing. As soon as I did comedy, as soon as I got to the hotel, that was it. That was my, I couldn't get high here. I was under too many allies here.

Starting point is 01:34:58 Yeah, and I felt the same way because I traveled so much with my work too. The high I was doing in LA was conditioning high. You know how I keep you on training? Maintenance high, yep. It was just maintenance high. These are just maintenance highs. Like this was, when I was here,

Starting point is 01:35:11 I would just do like a gram or $40 worth. When I went on the road, that's when I could go fucking nuts. And that's when you picked up victims that were pretty good. You know, you picked up other crazy people and shoot. Three days ago, I got a Facebook from a girl. I loved it that, in fact, I talked on the phone.

Starting point is 01:35:31 She Facebooked me to tell me she lost my phone number. If I could, she gave me her number for me to give her a call. Nice. We jiggled for a few minutes. She's married now, you know? But I got off the phone and she's one that, you know, you have to think about, I met her when she was a young girl

Starting point is 01:35:52 at a comedy club and she was a waitress. But one night I was looking for a package and somebody came to me and said, talk to her. I go, no, that's, she don't get high. And they're like, what are you fucking kidding me? Her boyfriend slings fucking coke. So I had a crush on her.

Starting point is 01:36:09 I mean, she looked good, you know? She was beautiful. I wasn't gonna ask a shit, you know, let us see. And one night she came to me. She goes, if you ever need something, let me know. Okay, so she gave me some shit one night that was just mind boggling. It was top of the fucking earth, shit.

Starting point is 01:36:27 And this is 1998. I'm getting a drip right now, I'm talking about bomb shit. This was shiny, no cut, still had the flakes. It was like, oh, that, that, that. And I took it back to my hotel room and we fucking whacked it up. I whacked it up at three in the morning. I'm jerking off uncontrollably.

Starting point is 01:36:46 There's no porn and something. I go, let me call them and see if I get more of this shit. I call her up. Get it while the getting's good. Guess who delivers? She does. So he was waiting the car and she'd come up and give it to me.

Starting point is 01:36:58 And that happened about four times before one night I go, listen, you gotta show me those titties. And she was like, no, okay. And then it went from titties to show me your monkey to let me eat your monkey while the boyfriend was in the car. I wouldn't know. What did his ass think you all were doing for 15, 20, 30 minutes?

Starting point is 01:37:14 First of all, no, no, no, no, no, no. I come in a minute and a half in this situation. No, but if you're eating her pussy. Two minutes and then I got. You're that bomb. And then I gotta, no, and then I gotta fuck it. Then I gotta calm myself. Oh, got you.

Starting point is 01:37:25 If it's a stranger, listen to me. A stranger knocks on your door and lets you eat that pussy, brings you coke. And then I wouldn't even, at the beginning, I wouldn't even ask her to lick her nuts because I'd just come when I was eating her pussy. I fucking love that. This is the fantasy that every man wants.

Starting point is 01:37:43 I fucking love you. She was just knocking in the hotel room, coked out of her mind, big brush, she come in. While she was giving me the coke and I'd be giving me the money, I'd be taking off her pants and shit, pull them down and eat a little monkey, I'd whack off and half come and then she leave.

Starting point is 01:37:58 And that was. And that happened how many times do you think? 10, 20? That happened like 10 times until I got endurance and she started licking my balls. Oh, yes. And it would take, we'd freak in eight minutes. Total.

Starting point is 01:38:11 Eight minutes and she'd be right back downstairs dressed. That's fucking insane. Tremendous. You had it down pat. This went on for maybe every, for three years. Every time I went to do comedy. Had that homie had no idea down in the car? No.

Starting point is 01:38:24 He didn't even give a fuck at that point. He was just a delivery girl. He was, they would stay up all night delivering blow. Now I totally know that everything you're saying is 100% honest. Unbelievable. Because I've lived this life. Something where like there's no way

Starting point is 01:38:38 that you were down to eight minutes exactly. She was up there, you were going bam, done. She was back in the car. I'm like, yeah, no. First off, first off, first off, first off. And he's like, right now, today, I go to the weed store. Guess what? When I go to the weed store,

Starting point is 01:38:53 every time I go to the weed store by my house, there's a car in front of the weed store with somebody sitting there. Rule number one, you never park in front of the drug dealers house. Yeah. Where I came from, you never park in front of the drug dealers house, okay?

Starting point is 01:39:07 Rule number two, if you deliver to a hotel room, you better stay in there for 15 minutes. So they don't know you're a code deal. Yeah. You just don't walk into, every time she walking into my room, she bring up two videos.

Starting point is 01:39:22 She bring up four books. She bring up a gallon of milk. She'd stop at the gas station and get me a gallon of milk. Smart. Or a protein shake or something for the morning. She was very fucking smart, okay? So anybody fucking knows that. Even when I used to be in Vegas,

Starting point is 01:39:36 I had a guy in Vegas that I would call him. I don't know how good he was. I would call him and no matter what time, he'd get up to my hotel room. Yeah. Through security, he knew everybody. And he'd say the eight ball plus for an extra 20, he had a come down package.

Starting point is 01:39:51 Two Vikings, a valley, and some fucking pain pills. Why didn't anyone ever tell me about how to fucking come down? I had to have a porn star tell me you needed Xanax. Yeah. And a Xanax. No one ever told me.

Starting point is 01:40:01 A 10 milligram Xanax or something. I got the party started. I thought you just had to stay up for two days. No. I would have thought. Or peel an orange and take the fucking skin out and put the peel in your mouth and something. I never heard that.

Starting point is 01:40:13 Yeah. Are you just pulling my leg? No. This is all Colombian type shit. Damn, homie. You take the orange, you cut it, you rip the inside out, you put that peel over your teeth

Starting point is 01:40:24 like the Godfather. That white fiber? That white fiber, you're out within 15 fucking minutes. Does that work for non-narcotic come down? Like can I use it as a sleep aid? No, that works for fucking. I just did two weight bolts, like 18 cocks.

Starting point is 01:40:36 And I still got sperm dripping out of my pussy. I need to go to sleep to fucking forgive the pain. I need to wake up on, it's Sunday, I need to wake up on Tuesday. Don't give it to grandma to help her with her insomnia. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, I get up every morning man and my feet touch the floor.

Starting point is 01:40:56 And people must, you know, people at home who listen to this shit think I'm crazy, but I swear to God, I give thanks, I give thanks for my wife, my daughter. But I give thanks for the most important thing, that I stop putting that shit up my fucking nose. Straight up. I really do.

Starting point is 01:41:11 And guess what guys? I know you guys are going, Joey fucked you, you're a hypocrite. I had a lot of great fucking time. Absolutely. I had a lot of great time. I told the story on Joe Rogan about a girl on Facebook. She had a black baby.

Starting point is 01:41:26 So people taught her for my name bud. So when we were kids, first off, I never slept with her. She didn't even like me growing up. She dated this dude. So she didn't really talk to kids her age. And she didn't really, really like our circle. She told her jocks or whatever,

Starting point is 01:41:46 but the word was her pussy didn't get moist. It sounds horrible. Everybody called the Fairview, New Jersey because everybody knows Fairview is a dry hump. And then, listen to this, and then the rumor got out that she had like VD. Oh my God, well yeah, it's all dry. You're gonna rip it up and fuck it up.

Starting point is 01:42:06 Let's say her name was, what's your first name again? Andrea. Amelia, Andrea. Okay, that cookie is strong because Joey told me for over a decade. Let's say Andrea. We started calling her song from ACDC. She's got the jack.

Starting point is 01:42:21 So they started calling her Andrea Jack. Right through her face. Andrea Jack, fuck you. I have no diseases. This went on for about a year. Then she disappeared. Then she disappeared. Everybody disappeared and I saw her out one night.

Starting point is 01:42:33 But the talent and the story is, we're coked up at six in the morning. We just robbed her. What? Wait, what? She's, she's. You just robbed her ass. I thought that, didn't see that coming.

Starting point is 01:42:44 We didn't rob her. We just robbed the guy. She was playing nanny tonight. She was sucking his dick through. And we're in a hotel room, a dirty hotel room in Jersey. On Tony Avenue. We bust into the hotel room.

Starting point is 01:42:58 We're sitting there. We got booze. She takes a look at me and she goes, before we do anything, I just want you to know, we're not gonna have any sex. I go, fine. And about 20 minutes in, she goes, you know what?

Starting point is 01:43:13 I've been thinking about it. Maybe we will do a little something, but she goes, you have to guess the color of my underwear. And I'm like, and I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh my God, I'm horny, I'm coked up. I want to eat her asshole. I got to go for broken. I go, red.

Starting point is 01:43:31 And she goes, green, but close enough. That's how crazy she was. Holy shit. She's next. Like I would never have that type of, maybe 18, 20 Christmases ago. I'm lonely. I don't have a girlfriend.

Starting point is 01:43:51 This is half a fucking chick that lives in my building. She lives in Ralphie. She lives in Ralphie. You're so horrible. She lives in Ralphie May's building, okay? Yeah. And you know, she's got the fake tits. Why is that funny?

Starting point is 01:44:04 Why is that funny? I just, when he said half a chick, I started thinking about, what is it? Kardashian. What's his name? Kanye West. No, the. Scott?

Starting point is 01:44:16 No, the father. Rob? Mother. Listen, please forget about that. I don't know how to follow those fucking moms. The one who just switched, whatever. Yeah, Bruce. Oh, Bruce.

Starting point is 01:44:24 Yeah, Caitlyn. Caitlyn. What? Caitlyn's full woman. When he said half a woman, I said, that's what I thought of. That you thought of transgender? No, he's talking like a.

Starting point is 01:44:34 No, you said there was half a woman. Thin ass frail, half of a fucking ding dong woman. This chick was a, she was pretty. She had a daughter that looked like, listen to this, she had a fat little daughter and she had a muster as the daughter. But something Pavarotti, the opposite. Pavarotti?

Starting point is 01:44:51 I haven't heard of Pavarotti reference in 20 years. She looked like Pavarotti. You know Pavarotti is? Yes. You know Pavarotti is? No. I'm gonna pick you up and Pavarotti. I'm gonna google up some Pavarotti.

Starting point is 01:45:02 She looked just like Pavarotti, not a bit. So we used to call it Pavarotti. You're so, but she never knew, right? Oh my God. It should auto-fill. You probably didn't have to spell it correctly. This is fucking crazy. This girl was.

Starting point is 01:45:20 Pretty right for a dude, yeah? Okay, so now. I'm about 36. Yeah? I'm single. I'm fucking broke. She was just like Pavarotti. Just like the far away picture.

Starting point is 01:45:36 Go to the images, yeah. Oh my God. It's just that, I like that she has, she has. She has. I can't even look at these pictures at least. She looks so much like Pavarotti. We've done to that show.

Starting point is 01:45:53 All right, like the white one. Like you see with the one that says Pavarotti? Yeah. That one, like that right there. That's a big center one. Oh, she looks just like Pavarotti right there. Oh my God. You just dig a digging.

Starting point is 01:46:05 But anyway, forget about Pavarotti. That was the big name we gave her. That's cute. Like the mom was really cute. I mean, unless you're fucking retarded, you could tell that the mom went on the other side of the fence and type the time. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:21 You know, when we first met, you could tell that she had been around the corner. She had, she. It wasn't her first rodeo. She went behind the cabin, you know what I'm saying? Like it, it was just, you could tell. She just had a look to her and one night she got drunk with a bunch of people and nothing happened.

Starting point is 01:46:39 But I could just tell by her body, but I never disrespect the shit, a daughter in the building, whatever. And it's about Christmas time. And it's about the holidays. Yes, it was around the holidays. And I was out all night. I was by Josh Wolf's house around there.

Starting point is 01:46:55 Cool. And that building there, we used to have like a cocaine network up on the third floor there. And I did Cocoa all night there. And I go back to my buddies to watch football. And I'm coming down off the coke. And I got a little bit in my pocket,

Starting point is 01:47:09 which means I'm still ready to go. Oh yeah. And who do I bump into as I'm walking in at 10 in the morning, but not for no, Jesus Christ. I was like, holy shit. I was about to bump into Pavarotti with a shot myself. I bumped into the mother and guess what? What?

Starting point is 01:47:27 She was out one night before and she was looking for a little taste. So I gave her a little taste no whole way. I gave her whatever I had. I did a couple of bumps with her. And she goes, can you get more? And I go, sure. But I go, it's 10 in the morning.

Starting point is 01:47:41 And I go, do you have a car? Boom. We take a ride. Boom. We come back. We get a six date. We do a couple more bumps. And she's saying that her apartment says, give me the creeps. Oh.

Starting point is 01:47:52 And she goes, do you mind if we go for a walk? So before we go for a walk, I go, let me see if I give her a stab them right here in the stairway. You know us dog. We'll sit. I know, man. Listen to buildings quiet.

Starting point is 01:48:03 Let me give you a stab them right here under the stairway. All right. Where? You sit on them. You pick up your leg. I eat your ass. Don't I dig it right in right there?

Starting point is 01:48:12 Is there anyone's who's asked you don't eat first? Well, whatever. Pussy ass. The same whole vicinity. You got to sell the ass because that gets him a little box. Totally. He's gonna eat my ass.

Starting point is 01:48:23 This guy's not fucking around. Exactly. He's gonna hook it up. And then you show him the Coke Rock and tell him to put this in your asshole to really get the party started. Eww. Dirty.

Starting point is 01:48:32 Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. And you also gotta have- Yes. Because that's the end of your night, pretty much.

Starting point is 01:48:39 That's the end of your night. So you gotta end with a big bang. Oh my God. I get you. I don't know what happens, what we do. Next thing you know, this is crazy. I'm talking to the shit. She, you know, we kind of fuck around a little bit.

Starting point is 01:48:52 But when I pull it out of her mouth, I come on her Christmas jeans, right? Like she had the jeans. Oh geez. Like expensive jeans. The one she was gonna wear for Christmas morning or that she had received for Christmas? The one she got off on the night before.

Starting point is 01:49:03 And I mean, it was- For best jeans. All those cocaine comes 20 hours of low. It's thick. Oh, I can see it now. It's like fucking snot. And it's curtley. So she goes-

Starting point is 01:49:13 Oh my God. She goes in the fucking house. Aren't you glad you don't know? And that's the end of that. Yes. Two, three nights later, I'm at El Compadre waiting to cop. Can you just do your little tiny outburst of exasperations

Starting point is 01:49:27 into the mic more? Oh please, this is all fucking great. They're fucking great. This is all good. People have taped them. It's two, three nights later. It is Christmas Eve. I'll never forget this.

Starting point is 01:49:36 I was at the commie store. That's how lonely I was. I'm at the commie store. I go to El Compadre, the cop. They're about to close at El Compadre. And I'm up there trying to get blow from one of the waiters. And I'm sitting outside waiting for them to come out. Who comes walking towards me?

Starting point is 01:49:51 But the girl with the jeans with the comb, she didn't have them on them. And her boyfriend. They come walking towards me. You nasty fucker. I love you. This dirty bitch doesn't even look at me. And the boyfriend stays.

Starting point is 01:50:05 No, you can't make eye contact. It assumes guilt. And he goes, I don't know what happened between you two guys. Yeah? But whatever happened has to get cleared up. She's not very happy with you right now. Oh, police.

Starting point is 01:50:16 That gets your fucking fault. Well, no, no. He didn't know I came out of pants. He just said. About the drugs? About he said to me, no, I don't know what happened between you two guys the other day, but she's not very happy with you.

Starting point is 01:50:28 I go, what did he say? What did she do? I may believe like I didn't even know. I go, what did she say? And he goes, I don't know. You guys are partying. You guys some type of argument or something. And I felt like saying, no, I came on a fucking leg.

Starting point is 01:50:40 You know, wow, this is the type of shit that couldn't have happened. But I also wouldn't have kidnapped Cat Vella. I also wouldn't have gone to prison. I also wouldn't have done a lot of fucking things. Well, I knew I was gonna end up in prison to do something. I can't lie about that. When you're meant to be something,

Starting point is 01:50:57 you're meant to be something, that's it. But it's amazing, the journey it did take me out. You know, like- I'm with you, man. I can write to, like right now, I'm writing about, I'm trying to write this, the first three chapters to sell a book. And I'm on 1984.

Starting point is 01:51:14 Oh, you're going chronologically, like as you write it. To sell this, I gotta go from 79 to about June of 85. Nice. Before I bust out with this. So I had to even jump over like 81. 81 was dying. So I said, let me go over to 84, because 84 was a hard hit, man. And I mean, I'm up to like June of 84.

Starting point is 01:51:36 And there's times I gotta stop, because this was when this pattern started. This pattern started in 84. So that's when you think you crossed that invisible line was 84? It became something else. It went from being- Fun.

Starting point is 01:51:52 Friday and Saturday. Into now habitual- It went from Friday and Saturday. A gram. A gram. I would do a gram bump. And I'm talking about, it's me and you. Not all the time.

Starting point is 01:52:08 It's you and me. We're seeing each other, as they said in the 80s. I would pick you up. You knew you were gonna spend the night at the hotel room. So we both did a gram. We did a gram from eight o'clock to three at the bar. A half a gram, then the other half,

Starting point is 01:52:22 back at the hotel room, where we were getting naked and all that dirty shit. And it was fun. On top of that, if it wasn't just you and me for sex, at least we'd go back and you'd talk to me. And your brother would come on, he'd talk and it, whatever. It was something, it was fun.

Starting point is 01:52:39 We drank, we listened to music. Then after that, even in Colorado, in 83, I was 19, it was still a Friday night thing. And there was no paranoia. Once it was done, the worst thing you did was jerk off on your leg and you went to bed. That's it, you woke up in the morning, you felt shitty about jerking off.

Starting point is 01:52:58 Maybe you should have a girlfriend at a date. But that's as far as it went. It wasn't your rent money, it wasn't gambling money. When I went back to New York in 84, it was there. It had taken over everything. And like I said a thousand times, people like you would come up to me and go, Joey, just start a coincidence.

Starting point is 01:53:18 Can you move some of this? And I'm like, I don't. Yeah, Lee likes it. My friends like it at the comedy store. You would go, hold on one second, you'd make a call and next thing you know, your boyfriend would be at 20 minutes late, it's like, listen guys, it's usually 19,000 for a kilo,

Starting point is 01:53:32 I'll give it to you for 17, five. And we're like, we don't have no money. Don't worry about it, we'll pick it up in 10 days. Because nobody wanted at their house no more. That's crazy. That's fucking scary, man. People were coming to you and going, hey, Andrea, do me a favor.

Starting point is 01:53:49 I got 50 pounds of coke and you move. And you know, I know Ron Jeremy. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I know Ron, but I don't know. You know, I'm not saying nothing bad about Ron. No, I feel it. In the 80s, it was porn, you know, like you could say,

Starting point is 01:54:04 that's what I would say. I would say, I've done coke with Ron. I'm like, I fucking care. That's what I would think to myself. I go, well, 1985, 84, I know Ron Jeremy. Maybe he could bring it into the valley and give it to some of the fucking girls. Yeah, or like, Andrea could take it to the mansion.

Starting point is 01:54:19 If you listen and read these stories that people are saying now from the mid-80s, they were buying half kilos. I just was reading something about Hollywood. That's fucking nuts. And staying, Don Henley. Yeah. Don Henley from the Eagles.

Starting point is 01:54:31 When he, that book with the hooker, I just seen an excerpt. So I just mentioned that book. When I first moved to town, the hot book in town is you'll never work in this town anymore. And it was written by an ex-hooker who told all her stories.

Starting point is 01:54:44 One of them was Don Henley. That's nuts. Don Henley, we get five girls, four in a row and bend them over. And just switch. And just eat their pussies and then do coke. And then eat their pussies and do coke. But they had to be bent over all night.

Starting point is 01:54:56 He wouldn't even look at their faces. How fucking crazy is that freaking mouth? That sounds like Tuesday to us, right? No, that's ego. No, it is. Five women, don't even talk to me ladies, bend over. But what kind of woman, like I would be the person eating the pussy,

Starting point is 01:55:14 but what kind of girl would let a guy bend her over and line them up like that? I'd be like, you don't wanna look at my face, fuck you, I'm out. I'm so much more than just a snatch. It's like, you pick someone with a crazy ego and you pick someone with no self-respect, you put them together, it's a perfect match.

Starting point is 01:55:29 Yeah, no, that's what it was. He was a crazy ego. I mean, there was a fucking guy from the Eagles. I mean, I can't fucking blame him. No, I mean, I can only imagine what it would be like to be that famous and have people just throwing themselves at you all the time. I mean.

Starting point is 01:55:42 She had Jack Nicholson in there. She had a bunch of people in there, but the story she was talking about that day when she had gone to the Eagles house, she was there for three days and she knows for a fact that like four ounces would deliver it. That's extremely, I couldn't do an ounce in a week by myself.

Starting point is 01:55:58 I mean, I do it, don't get me wrong, it's going down. I just need to bump into the right victim and the right hotel and the right fucking circumstances and you're in like Flint, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I mean, that's a lot. So you wouldn't hoard Coke? No, you can't hoard Coke, that's the thing. You think you're going to, but you can't,

Starting point is 01:56:17 there's no self-control. What do you mean hoarding it at one point? So like, you've spoken about like you didn't like sharing, right? You just said if you had an ounce, you'd have to share. And if you've spoken before, but like snoring against the clock, like why not just save it for later that night? Like why do you have, why do you feel like

Starting point is 01:56:36 it has to get gone? I heard- It's an inner fucking obsession that you haven't- It's there, it's gone. There's no saving nothing for the mouse. No. In my world, there's nothing saved for the mouse. In 27 years, I could count it on one hand.

Starting point is 01:56:53 Oh my- How many nights I passed out and left a gram or a line of Coke or two lines of Coke? Right. I didn't stop till it was over. And how long did you do Coke? 27 years. And how many nights a week do you think?

Starting point is 01:57:08 Four to five, he was saying. And then after the Coke was gone, and you start walking around everywhere you were in the house, looking for little spots of white powder on the floor. Yes, yes, oh my gosh. And then you clean out the straw. And the straw has a rock in there that's fucking huge. So that saves you for a half hour.

Starting point is 01:57:24 And then there was a little bit- A half hour? And then there was a little bit left on the package. You have no idea. Yeah, it's a half hour in between, Lee. It's 20 minutes in between bumps. And if you're an animal like me, it's every 10 minutes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:57:34 And it's so funny too, cause you look at the clock and you're like, I'm gonna stop at 1230. I'm gonna stop at 1240. I'm gonna stop at one. I'm gonna stop at like, you can't fucking keep your shit straight. Willpower is not a thing. So that's why for me, like I'd always get a little bit.

Starting point is 01:57:49 So I knew when it was done, that was it. I couldn't get more. Because once you start, you really can't stop. And this is even coming from me who was never, I do not think I was a cocaine addict at all. I just partied a lot. But situationally, you just can't stop. You can't hold on to it.

Starting point is 01:58:05 No, for me it was, once I got it, it was gone. Yeah. There was no saving it for Tuesday. No. No nothing, guys. Fucking crazy. I'm so happy. Nine years now.

Starting point is 01:58:17 Is that a blessing? Nine years I've not done a lot of cocaine, man. And I don't miss it at all. No, your life is so much better without it. Fuck that shit. Jesus Christ. It was like, in my mind, like I compare it to my drinking. It was like, I was almost a slave to it.

Starting point is 01:58:33 My life was revolved around that shit. Where am I gonna get it? Who am I gonna drink it with? I wasn't able to drive or go certain places because I was too fucked up. I couldn't go to events. It was just ruling my life. That's why I said to you at the beginning of the podcast

Starting point is 01:58:49 that that part of my life is, I could not see, even today. No. Even today, if I said to you guys, you know what, fuck it, I'm getting divorced. My wife's taking the baby to Tennessee. I'm gonna take the house, whatever. I couldn't see myself. Going back.

Starting point is 01:59:06 I could not see myself doing blow. No. With a comedy girl at like 28, and here I am, 54, 55, you know, in a house because I think I'd get a heart attack. Yeah. I'm so scared at this point that for me to even cross that line.

Starting point is 01:59:22 It's not worth it. No, not at all. Not by any means at all. And you know too that if you started, you couldn't stop again. You'd have to go another 27 years unless you died first. It's like, you know how low it will take you, so why even take that risk?

Starting point is 01:59:35 You fucking had all the fun. You've done it, you're done. Well, you were telling Boss Root near there. A lot of people know this thing. You understand the addiction continues to grow just because you stopped drinking. The inside little addiction that you had of drinking still grows.

Starting point is 01:59:48 As soon as you decide in your mind, you know what? I got this. I'm having a motherfucking beer. That's it. I thought first beer, you're often fucking popping. But your tolerance is gone, but your brain tells you you can drink like you used to. Yes, you can.

Starting point is 02:00:02 That's when you end up in the ER. That's when you overdose. Well, it really happens a lot with heroin. That's what's happening with heroin. That's exactly what happens. Happens with heroin a lot. I'm happy you came on today. It was great to see you.

Starting point is 02:00:12 I love you so much. When I made that fucking turn, I go, look at her. This gym is fucking working. Look at Lee. He's all hypnotized. What are you supposed to say? When you walk out of here, Lee's gonna say a ton of shit to me.

Starting point is 02:00:23 Jesus Christ, she looks beautiful. Let me read some fucking things for Lee. As always, on it, the fucking leader of that life. Listen, man, it's the holidays. Everybody's looking at the change. Everybody's looking to make their lives better. You know, Anna has some great supplements for you that'll fucking rock your world

Starting point is 02:00:42 from the hemp force protein to the alpha brain just to get your mind going. Just to get your fine tune. Oh, I heard that was the bomb. You know, go to Anna.com right now and press in. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% your first order sent right to your motherfucking house.

Starting point is 02:00:59 Right there. No drama. And they also got new mood. You're gonna be traveling to have the alpha brain packages that you put in the water and it's not gonna, it helps you in travel to stay, not to get sick. Alpha, fuck, Anna's got a ton of shit.

Starting point is 02:01:17 This, what do you call this? Supplement? No. Podcast? This transmission fucking oil is fucking me up right now. I'm sorry, but all fairness and stuff, you wanna get started, go to Anna.com right now. Press in.

Starting point is 02:01:31 Church. 10% off your first order. Enough with that bullshit. Also, you're going to be traveling this season, okay? I don't really read a lot of magazine, but Lee likes to take magazines on the road. If I read anything, I'll look at Rolling Stone, just a front to see who's going to,

Starting point is 02:01:50 who's parties and who's bullshitting each other. But listen, I know you like magazines like Fitness, Fortune, Forbes, Golf Magazine, Golf Digest, you know, Country Gardens, Sports Illustrated, Kids, if you like any of these magazines right now, Town and Country, I got something that's going to rock your world, all right? Now we're all binge eating and we're all binge watching

Starting point is 02:02:13 and we're all, thanks to Netflix, we're all watching, you know, but now with Texture, Texture, you could start binge reading. Trust me, it's about to be a thing. I just saw a commercial for it the other night. I just saw a commercial for Texture. So when it comes to magazines, you know what you like. And with Texture, you can get all the magazines you want

Starting point is 02:02:31 in one super convenient place. Texture has completely re-imaged magazines, giving you the articles and stories you really want, all in one place, plus interactive features, videos and recommendations just for you, okay? The Texture app lets you tap into the world's most popular magazines, anytime, anywhere, using your smartphone or tablet,

Starting point is 02:02:56 just download it, you're selling a plane and there you have hundreds of your favorite magazines including black back issues and pick the articles that interest you the most. Texture has made it easy to find articles that you care about. I don't just read, get to read, you know, Rolling Stone or Sports Illustrated.

Starting point is 02:03:17 The Texture editorial team recommends content for me every day plus I can dive deeper with personalized collections. So you have like your right there, right? Like you have like a curator. That's cool. Yeah, they'll give you special things that they think you'll like based on what you're reading.

Starting point is 02:03:33 There you go. So sign up for Texture right now and gain inside access to all the content from the world's best publications. The best part is Texture for the holidays is offering a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash joey. Again, you'll gain immediate entry

Starting point is 02:03:52 into all the top magazines, including back issues and bonus video. Start binge reading for free right now when you go to texture.com slash joey. Again, texture.com slash joey. Listen, we talk about the holidays coming and we talk about stuffing. What do you call those things?

Starting point is 02:04:11 Stocking stuff. Stocking stuffers though. Here you go, plain and fucking simple. HelloTushy.com, you know why? Because the days are back. You want to start off 2017 with a fresh motherfucking asshole and a fresh motherfucking nutsack.

Starting point is 02:04:26 Ready to conquer the fucking world, okay? And helloTushy has made that possible again because the days are back. You're sitting there going Joey, I'm a young kid. What's a bidet? A bidet is a device that sprays your butt clean with water, okay? I grew up with a bidet in my house.

Starting point is 02:04:42 My mom had one fucking tremendous. After she died, then I realized what a bidet really did and now they're back, okay? Thanks to Tushy, sleep bidet that clips onto the existing toilet and sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water to get your muffler sparkling so you're not sitting on it all fucking day with bacteria and then causing hemorrhoids

Starting point is 02:05:07 and yeast infections and plain old just rotten ass. Why you gonna, who wants rotten fucking ass for Christmas, okay? Bidets are better for the environment because there's more paper, that means more trees. Every time you use a bidet, it's one pint of water. That ain't dick, okay? Tushy stands behind their product also

Starting point is 02:05:27 for 60 motherfucking days, so you can enjoy it. You see what the hell, it is tremendous. I'm using it, I got it in a spare bedroom now. Fucking tremendous, you understand me? It's been years, the water's nice and cold. It kind of wakes you up in the morning, you know what I'm saying? After that coffee, let me take a little

Starting point is 02:05:46 fucking dump of Rui and you put that little cold water. Sounds exciting. Gonna hit you a little muffler, but then you jump in the shower and you hit your ass over the hot water. I don't know. I'm confused, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, go to hellotushy.com right now

Starting point is 02:06:00 and get 10% off when you press in. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H, taking it to the hill like a motherfucker. This is the Christmas present for like, right now you're sitting there going, when am I gonna get this guy? When am I gonna get this girl? When am I gonna get this guy?

Starting point is 02:06:14 When am I gonna get this guy? Uncle Joey just brought it to you right now. Hellotushy.com, slash church, get 10% off. I wanna thank Texture. I wanna thank Honor.com for being solid motherfuckers. If you haven't watched the special, CISO.com, slash Joey, put your name in, email code, put your credit card in, put in Joey,

Starting point is 02:06:37 and you get to watch the fucking special for free. Don't say I never gave you that. And when you get bored, they got all the Saturday Night Live fucking episodes. They got Parks and Recreation. They got original programming. So go be your thing, all right? I'll see you cocksuckers next week.

Starting point is 02:06:52 Anywhere these people could find you or listen to you. Yeah, on Twitter and Instagram at The Andrea Lowell. If you're interested in anything fitness related, Facebook and Instagram at Andrea Lowell Fitness. Pretty straightforward. Lee, what are you got going on this weekend? This weekend, not much this weekend, but I had a good day.

Starting point is 02:07:11 I was having breakfast with my brother today for the first time we haven't been speaking for years. Oh, really? Yeah, that was nice. So that's good. You didn't break any zip lines, talk to your brother. Sounds like a pretty fucking successful day so far. Yeah, it was a pretty good day.

Starting point is 02:07:24 I love how we hardly know each other. I'm already like teasing you. I like it. He likes it. I like it too. Who wouldn't like it? Well, that's cool. I'm happy for you guys.

Starting point is 02:07:34 Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, and then say that. I like waiting for the punch and then what happened? I live a boring life. What did you have for breakfast? Stay in the dirtiest way you can. That's cool. Scrambled eggs?

Starting point is 02:07:49 Were they runny or were they dry? Dry leg, dry leg, bomb runny, fuzzy. Get the fuck out of here, that shit. Have a great weekend, dirty motherfucker, because I love you. Thank you. Bye. Happy holidays. I have to pee so fucking bad.

Starting point is 02:08:08 Run in there, run in there. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to.

Starting point is 02:08:16 I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I don't know where to.

Starting point is 02:08:51 I don't know where to. I don't know where to. I'll say, and if you do this, it'll help you some sunny day. Fine. I'll take your time, don't live too fast. Troubles will come, and they will pass. We'll find a woman, and you'll find love. And don't forget, son, there is someone up above.

Starting point is 02:09:58 And be a simple kind of man. Or be something you love and understand. Baby, be a simple kind of man. Or want to do this for the sun, if you can. Get your lust, or the rich rands go. All that you need is in your soul. And you can do this for me, if you try. All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied.

Starting point is 02:11:10 And be a simple kind of man. Or be something you love and understand. Be a simple kind of man. Or want to do this for the sun, if you can. For the sun. For the sun. Oh, don't you worry, you'll find yourself. Follow your heart, and nothing else.

Starting point is 02:12:50 And you can do this for me, if you try. All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied. And be a simple kind of man. Or be something you love and understand. Baby, be a simple kind of man. Or want to do this for the sun, if you can. Baby, be a simple kind of man. Or be something you love and understand.

Starting point is 02:13:53 Be a simple kind of man.

Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #439 - Andrea Lowell

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