Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #442 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 26, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio on Christmas Night/The Second Night of Hanukkah 2016. Thank you for a great year! This podcast is brought to you by:  Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/church to get your first three meals free and free shipping! mybookie.net -Make all of your sports bets at mybookie.net. Mybookie.net will match your first deposit when you use promo code JOEY   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Watch Joey's Special, "Sociably Unacceptable" Now!   Recorded live on 12/25/2016.  

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The show is also brought to you by blue apron Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blue apron comm slash church That's right with blue apron. They sent all the fresh ingredients you need to make incredible meals straight to your door Go to blue apron comm slash church right now to get your first three meals for free Oh shit, kick that mule motherfucker Motherfuck I want heaven to hear that down The church what's happening now bitches Christmas night or the morning after the 26

The phone I Merry Christmas to everybody out there. Thank you very much to tune into the church. What's happening now? It's Uncle Joey Diaz with my main little fucking Jewish Goomba Lisa at Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you What's happening brother? Oh my gosh, I had a first lunch must say thank you I had a great time in Vegas and it was a you were very nice And you give me a summer like a gift car but not a gift car But you told me go get a nice meal and I went had a great steak

So it just I've been thinking about it It made my whole night like that night was the my best night of gambling I've ever had and you won that night That was the night that I was the only night you won when you ate the steak the next morning You woke up with your kiss a dead self and you fucking lost my fucking steak money cock sucker. Oh, I don't it's uh It was just so it was it was like the perfect night. I got a steak I got a nice drink I could tell the other night that you you're processing a lot the last couple weeks I could tell when you do the adibos you drift away and you've been a little distant lately So I could tell you needed two days, but I could also tell you

You need a good meal, you know to sit down and sometimes a good warm meal by yourself Even though sometimes they say it's really unhealthy to eat by yourself You know when I'm when I go away on the weekend sometimes I I can't wait because I eat by myself on Saturday and Friday morning and it just gives me You know, it's like a little breather You're always surrounded by people, you know, you always have people around you your family members your child your sister your brother your cousin and it's really nice to take care of yourself and You know Lee didn't do anything mind-boggling. He went the cheapest week you go to Vegas

You want a cheap vacation go to Vegas Christmas week? Oh, it was the best thing That's the cheapest thing you could ever do in your life. They give they give the rooms away They give the fucking rooms away. Have you asked them to like if you go you're not gonna comp me I'm gonna gamble. They'll give you the for 25 bucks. You get a room on the strip. Yeah, I got it for 45 on Amanda like Bay, which is a nice hotel. It's not like it's a cardi hotel or anything I got a nice room. They were gonna give me a suite for 15 bucks 15 more bucks a night 15 more bucks on there. Yeah, they give you a suite. They were gonna give me bucks, but I was by myself So I just didn't want to walk around like fucking

No, nobody was um, I've never I don't really do that and it's not when they're doing more specials for meals, too And little things like like I know you got there shoot a fucking submachine gun Were they giving you deals on that with it? Things like that because it's empty. It's empty. Correct. It was empty this week They said next week was gonna be a little bit busier like tomorrow morning Vegas packs up automatically tomorrow morning the planes to Miami pack up That's it. Those are New Year's destinations, you know, and I'm so glad that I'm not I'll get this was the week for all the people who are like me who don't want to go to a club

Like as I was leaving as I was driving out of Vegas. I saw a billboard that said uh, it said like all said open bar New Year's Eve 25 bucks. I was like that that sounds like a nightmare. That's a headache that that's a fucking headache That's a hangover and a half or you could drink on New Year's and you're young for 25. Oh, yeah You figure you get fucking six drinks You're even and you want to polish those first drinks drinks. So six drinks. You're probably even after one two drinks in Vegas It's over 10 bucks a drink. It has to oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was Like it was expect I think I think the drink I had at strip steak was close to 20 bucks You had a drink of strips. What'd you have makers and coke what I always get look at you like a doctor

So you got a little drinky pool. You got a little steak What else did you get? Oh and they give you french fries for appetizers and I forgot That I know Lee loves french fries. I fucking hate skinny french fries I fucking hate them in LA every french fry has hiv every french fry is skinnier than fuck I'm from the east coast where you get steak fries all the time and this place has but skirt steak as an appetizer to give you french fries that are fried and duck fat And they give you three different sauces next to it Which I knew would blow Lee's fucking mind

Every time there's a ufc joe always takes us to strip steak afterward We meet at strip steak and we just sit there the rest of the fucking night That's why I knew about strip steak not because i'm a genius because joe take me there It's fucking delicious that place and those fries made my night because I I don't whenever I go out to eat high. I tend to giggle a little bit So I don't I was like I don't want to go. I don't want to blow my cover But I had to have something so I think I'd like 600 milligrams

And they brought over this french fries without even telling me And it it was like heaven it was There was one that had like you feel like you hit the lottery You can't believe they're bringing french fries Most people bring like fucking noodles at a chinese restaurant or Brat is something they open up a fucking french fries and they open up with with like it's not like it's Sometimes when they give you something for free. It's like three little bites This was

A huge order of french fries. I put a picture of it on my instagram It was a huge order of french fries that was there for my entire meal it was uh It was the the bartenders were great and it's uh because I normally don't like eating by myself And I think this night changed my opinion because I've been I've lived alone for a while And even now if like I want to go eat I'll get tag out and go home and watch tv Just because I don't know I feel weird being alone at a restaurant But I I had a great time. I had I was talking to the bartenders. I was what did you set the bar? Oh, yeah

I'm gonna get table. Yeah You said when I go on the road I go to those places And there's a line out the ass, but the bar is empty. I just walk right in so that the fucking bar I start talking to the bartender the street bartender is one of them listens to some podcast We're on at one point on fucking lies. We start talking about podcasting or what am I doing in town or comedy? And it's kind of interesting, you know, I hate going to restaurants To towns and eating at a restaurant that I could eat out anywhere. Oh, yeah

I want to get a flavor of the town, you know to see what reflects on the town like when I went to Portland with Felicia we went to that prime rib and chocolate cake and went to another place These were all places from that city that they had to offer when I go to Texas and you want to eat Chinese I'm like no go to chewy's. I can only get chewy's in Austin or you can only get this here, you know I work myself up. So I'm happy that you ended up you want to go to sushi. I'm like you get sushi here Right strip steak you get here, but you got to go all the way into the heart of Beverly Hills with fucking traffic and park It's a goddamn nightmare If you're at the man and it's strip steak is at the Mandalay Bay, correct? Yeah, I couldn't be more upstairs. Yeah

It's right. It's right downstairs But then I like and then I I like gambling But I'm not good at like I won't I won't spend money on myself in other areas Like I used to go to Vegas a couple years ago and try to do this for a couple days But I'd stay at like the cheapest hotel on the strip. I'd eat at Chipotle and then go back And that's like that's not what Vegas is about and the Vegas is like it has Vegas gets a bad rap But I I love it. I think it's great. It has the best restaurants in the world

There's there are some negative aspects to it, but The the amount of good food that you're surrounded by Is I mean and then I found this great deal online They gave me a hundred bucks to use at the casino At the resort. So I got I had food. I had a bunch of meals for free They're especially these weeks. They're looking to give you anything just to show up It's pretty interesting It's really nice, you know, I do listen when I go on the road

I don't give a fuck where I stay I really don't You know, I was I slept on so many couches and shit A motel six works for me. It really does. You know, as long as they have a hot shower And the cable works. I'm pretty fucking good, you know, I like security I don't want fucking crack hose knocking on my door at four in the fucking morning But you know what I mean, you know But sometimes the club puts you somewhere nice

And for two days you walk around you're like, you know what? I'm a fucking human being, you know for for two days I'm an act. I remember going to Riviera I'm working the Riviera had to be 20 years ago and you know I was living on such a shoestring at that time as a feature act That everything is a break, you know, you get no money when you're a feature act So everything they everything every break you could catch is like a fucking Act of God. It's like a miracle And they used to give us a card. I was telling me they used to give us a card to eat in the employee cafeteria

Which is the shit that gets sent back from the buffet Like all the leftovers from all the left off in the phase. They got bite marks in them this shit and You know, it's a nightmare, you know, that's what you got to eat But when you're fucking broke and you're on the road, that's who you got to eat so When I would go on the road with Joe, it was two different fucking worlds Like I tell people all the time Joe bought me more steaks than my mother

When you go on the road with Joe for the UFC or something you stay at the best hotel And you know, he doesn't give a fuck about steaks or whatever the fuck you get whatever you want on the menu Like a doctor. That's why when I started hanging out with Joe I I started learning that you have to take care of yourself When the situation arises, you know from time to time just and it helps it It gives you another three months. So, you know, it just charges your batteries, man let me ask you this let's say you're in vegas, right and You could stay at

I don't know a motel six, which would be fine. Or you could stay at the mirage where the show is. Let's just say Would this show be better if you were at the mirage? Yeah, a comfortable hotel. Yeah, yeah, fuck. Yeah No, listen, you want the least amount of movement People think when I come to a town that they're like they they send me these suggestions for food And they send me suggestions to do and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart But I'm at an age right now and a point in my life in my career that when I go on the road It's to relax. So I want the least movement as possible I'm not going to go out to dinner before show

And burn myself out talking When I could just relax before the show You know, there's so many little fucking things that You need to do to take care of you, you know, I don't know what guest was on maybe about a year ago And we discussed what does it take to be you? It was very interesting. What does it take to be you? There was a time where it took a shower And a box of cereal and fucking a can of soda

To be me, you know And now comes a time where you have to actually get up drink coffee write a little bit smoke a little bit write a little bit You know eat breakfast drink a pro drink a protein shake take my blood pressure medication I got a rub cream on my fucking rashes. I got a rub bacon soda on my fungi nail What does it take to be you, you know, like what does it take, you know

You realize that in those moments when you're taking care of yourself when you're taking better care of yourself, you know When you have an option to drink between a soda and there's a big glass of water There's those little things, you know, 10 years ago I would have just gone for the soda at whatever time it was and drank the whole bottle of fucking soda You know now you're gonna go to sleep. You have to drink some fucking water. Even though you're gonna get up and pee in the middle night. It's just Such a big difference when you take care of you You know in three years. I never did

Was it even a was it a conscious decision? Because for me It was more just like I got into a rhythm and then I got so busy that you just don't think to change your rhythm Like when you get so busy focusing on other things Like you just on all right, this is working I guess so I'll leave that alone, but then it's really not working I got into a bad rhythm when I moved to los angeles In 99 when I moved to los angeles in 99 is when my when my health went kaput

That there's two reasons to that And let's be frank and honest about them. The number one reason was my dedication The comedy that I put everything I had into comedy my first seven years here But I could have put more into comedy if I would have taken care of myself. I neglected myself So for all those years, I didn't care what I ate. I ate late at night The mirror I looked at showed me in high school It didn't show me as I was becoming 350 fucking pounds. You don't see that you take a really

Good good look, which we don't really do a lot of us don't see ourselves or don't really want to look I didn't really want to look I just thought my clothes were getting tighter because they were they were shrinking my wife was shrinking the fucking clothes Instead of going no, I'm putting on weight after weight after weight after weight after weight And then soon the sleep apnea developed You know all these things contributed to the sleep apnea and that took it to that final level Of my health getting really shitty. What was my health getting really shitty? I had no energy I was my diet was fucking atrocious. There was no fruit. There was no lettuce

There was 10 cans of soda a day It was just plain abuse because But the abuse I was doing with the drugs who cares about everything else I'm already doing drugs. There's no reason to be a hypocrite and go to the gym And try to lie to myself. I was one of those guys Really? Yeah, I'm already in deep. What's the fucking the gym gonna do for me? I'm doing an eight ball of fucking coke in two nights And drinking this and eating this and smoking this and smoking two packs of cigarettes

What's the fucking gym gonna do for me? Nothing That's how I looked at it from a stupid perspective And today I pay for that when I go to jujitsu and I gotta Not eat a donut with you or whatever. I pay for that, you know I pay for that That time because we pay for everything in our lives the conscious decision Was when I stopped doing coke

Then I said, what did I do with myself? What did I do with my body? What did I do to my image? What looking my clothes My clothes were a day above fucking You know I couldn't even fit in the ring. Oh my I was so fat that I was destroying my clothes So I was just living in warm-ups Uh I was doing that with the gym shorts. You live in fucking warm-ups, you know

That's the only way you're comfortable. You're not comfortable in pants anymore. Once you get to a certain way You're not comfortable at all in pants And you don't want to buy new pants because you're like, oh, I'm not getting bigger. I'm gonna lose the weight. So But the conscious decision was probably after I stopped getting high 208 I finally went to weight watches and I started looking at different things and I started going online I always knew about proteins and diets and lifting I didn't I never incorporated rest into that equation and that's a big part of the equation You could eat great and work out and gain weight because you're not sleeping correctly

There's so many fucking aspects To our diet guys like you and me there's so many aspects to our diet The number one is sleep and number two As soon as we get up we got to eat something to kick off the thing and For the rest of our day to be good because guys like you and I will have a donor for breakfast and not think about it But that ruins your breakfast

Or not eat breakfast and then you eat at 12 and now you gotta eat that fourth meal You know or that fifth meal because you didn't eat breakfast There's so many different things that I forced myself to do. I'm not hungry when I wake up I'm not hungry at all. I look at my daughter and I look at my wife arguing with mercy and I know mercy's not hungry She's my daughter. She's not hungry. I'm not hungry in the morning If you left it up to me, I could get up at six and not eat till 10 And that's not good for you Right. Yeah, that's what I was you got to eat like 30 minutes an hour after you get up

You know, but I always drink a glass of cold water to get my metabolism going Which again, I didn't know till a couple years ago that you do How do you handle the sleep thing because that's always been an issue for yourself Do you sleep do you how often do you take naps? Today I took two fucking maps because I'm a fat old man. Well, that's not every day though. No No I never took a fucking nap till 1995 Okay, I never I stopped napping when I was about four

Gave him a hard time at school all those years gave my mother a hard time I never napped Do I started dating this girl in seattle in 1995? She would take naps every afternoon And that forced me to nap and that Is a big life saver a power nap from here, you know an hour and a half nap a 45 minute nap a two hour nap those are all power savers but

Even as of lately as of six months ago I was putting on a little bit of weight And it was because I was getting home at 11 from the store Or from work or from comedy or something like that I would write for an hour And then to detox from the writing I would stay up till two watching tv Like all the shit you tell me to watch and people tell me to tape I tape and watch until two Three and then I'd be lurking at seven with mercy

By 10, I can't keep my eyes open. Oh, yeah, that's why it ruins my fucking day. I was ruining my own days That's the issue I've been having recently and I've always had this issue and I like to stay up late And then it just when you wake up at seven eight o'clock the last Seven weeks I've been turning the tv off at 12 11 30 11 30 I go in the room. Where's your phone? Outside really that's the move I think because that's the issue. My tv is not even on most of the time

It's the phone the phone's in the other room in my office. I don't even see the phone when I'm at home Unless if I go into that room, I charge it in there There's a house phone in my bedroom in case something happens in the middle of the night We're stuck in the bedroom, but my cell phone is far away from me There's nights. I leave it in the fucking car over night You leave it in the car. What do I give a fuck? The people that are gonna call me aren't gonna call me at night

Anybody who calls me at three in the morning is for something fucking stupid. Anyway, it's not gonna be because Nobody calls me at three no more. That's worth the shit. Ari calls me at two sometimes I'll see the call late night or early morning or something But nobody calls me in the middle of the fucking night. So Nobody really calls after seven For me to write I can't have the phone by me Not even near you no So once I write the phone goes into another fucking room charged up

That's why I leave the phone out. So when I walk in the house in the morning I'd look at the phone and I plug it in and I leave it in the kitchen and I go into your office and write When I take mercy to school, I don't take the phone My wife's got a fucking phone Then when I get home at 9 30 10 the phone's there I go to jujitsu. I put the phone the fucking god that phone ain't gonna get picked up I think that's a move I think that's I don't have the phone near me at all I don't want to look at social media

There's nothing for me to look at social media for do you get distracted in hotel rooms? Or do you keep it away from you in hotel rooms too? Yeah, keep it away from me in the hotel rooms, too I put in a pocket. I'll put it in my luggage and close the luggage That's yeah, that's what you have to do now because otherwise if not you can't write you're a zombie. I can't write I can't write You have to turn off all can you know for me to be effective in that area and for me Once I get to the part where I have to start making the calls in the morning Then I go in the other room and pull the phone and make my business calls But if I'm writing comedy the phone's nowhere near me. I don't want the electricity even in my circuitry

I don't want to hear the phone buzzing I know my schedule already. It's not like I'm gonna get a later audition and I look at it every hour or so You know Well, yeah, well the phone is a fucking big distraction huge Ari Shafir was absolutely correct And I'd listen to what Ari said, you know, I have an iPhone. Do I use everything on that fucking iPhone? Not even A tent or what's on there? I don't even have facebook on my fucking iPhone. I have none of that shit on my iPhone I got my hotmail And I got my fucking phone on there. That's it and I got pictures in the camera

Which I take of the cats and my daughter. I don't take pictures of nobody. I don't do none of that shit It's in menus Like chinese good food or spare ribs or something. I'll take a picture. I don't take pictures I don't use that fucking phone to its full capacity So i'm thinking when I go in there too, I might just well just get a regular one whatever the fuck I don't listen to podcasts on this Sometimes I listen to music on this sometimes, but yeah, I don't listen to music on my fucking cell phone You know your people played downtown last night, right? Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, they played in in hall

See, but I don't really like that one and I love them. They put in hollywood. It's The club scene in hollywood is weird. I just I've never I've never really enjoyed it. So Going to see them there. I don't I don't really I I saw them where gabriel is going to be the night before new year It's the microsoft. I like that place but uh Yeah, that's pretty cool

so tonight Tonight I was getting ready to leave the house My wife had cooked I'd taken a nap the baby was We're building something for and my phone rang And I had it in my pocket. I was like I said I was getting ready to leave. It was six o'clock california time And I got a weird fucking call. I got a call that rattled me so much I went out my car and I cried for 10 minutes Because I tell you guys and I tell my wife

I think I tell my wife three times a day How lucky we are, you know and now the luck that people have That you don't really know it because sometimes Even when something bad happens, it's kind of lucky Because something good happens from it And it's hard to tell you that now But throughout my life and other people's lives. I've seen little pieces of mishaps that they've had And they're kind of good when I was growing up

Right a couple months before my mom died. I became friends with this kid named renee His street name was called deedy And deedy was uh a big kid big And he had just fought Charlie gizzy and his brother and beat him up And he was 14 years old And he was he was having beef

With a friend of mine a really dear friend of mine at the time my friend villainized him When I meet this kid and I hit it off of him. In fact, I really liked this deedy kid And we started hanging out And pop goes the weasel and my fucking mom died deedy comes to the funeral and deedy wants to be a paul barra, you know, he introduces me to his brother His brother's name is carlos. So When my mom died It's so weird I moved with this kid john, but he was at war with deedy, but I hung out with deedy

Me deedy a villa glanconte lubes a bunch of us hung out Behind uh a villos house that he had that shed that I always tell you guys about where he painted the walls and had no Heat and we'd go back there and the dead of the winter and drink and smoke dope and Take acid and whatnot and He was just part of the family deedy and one night He said to me you want to come over and eat and I went over there and I ate with him and his mom and his grandma But when I went over there I noticed that his brother was a darling his brother was a tough kid a darling

His mom lived there and his aunt But the aunt had a mental health issue Like she just lived in a room I would always say hello to her she would let me in but she didn't work. She didn't do nothing the mom worked And deedy and deedy went to school and carlos did whatever he did It was funny all those years when I was 16 and 17 On friday nights me and deedy would get together. We'd eat like a fucking quailude

We we we would nuts, you know, I mean we were fucking nuts as kids He was the guy that I was robbing putting a field with He's the first guy I ever did an eight ball with and stayed up all night listening to fucking rappers delight I mean me and deedy the thousand crazy things We got beat up one night by Hudson county park and his brother came and beat the fuck out of the guys And I were later with six other fucking tough guys. We just had a lot of adventures growing up, you know But I never forgot his aunt And I don't know what happened between me and deedy

You know, you grow up I lived I moved up town and I didn't see deedy as much and we just stopped being friends But we were tight and I love deedy like I really love deedy. I just don't know what happened Somewhere along the line. We lost communication I moved to colorado, blah, blah, blah. I come back in 94 And I'm asking about deedy and nobody is seeing him and then a couple years later I get the most disturbing fucking report you know, here's this

deedy just wasn't a kid He was a good-looking fucking kid who ended up becoming a good-looking man His brother is a good-looking fucking man. I mean deedy not only was a fucking good-looking dude, but he played football. He was gigantic He had a body like a fucking adonis, you know, and He was just a fucking great kid, you know, and I lost contact with him and one day I found out That if you went to hudson county park a park by my house And drove around in your car that within five minutes deedy would pull up on the driver's side with no shirt on

And ask you if you wanted a party Somewhere along the line mental health had grabbed him And he had started uh doing tricks turning tricks with men At a park. This is mind-boggling When they told me this this is like fucking somebody telling you john wane is sucking dick at the park You know, and then I heard another disturbing report that he had hiv so You know me. I don't even know where to start looking. I got I got my own fucking problems

and in 2007 The weekend that I quit doing coke I did a friday night show In north bergen for the high school and I did a saturday night show in hoboken for the police department And when I get off stage, who's in the back fucking deedy I give him a big hug and he We call his brother and he tells me his brother's married with two kids and blah blah blah and It just recommunicated me with those guys who were such a part of my childhood

I mean I Carlos was a Carlos was that kid that drove me and deedy to places You know like when you you have a friend that go you go to the movies your mom drives you You didn't have a mom. Carlos drove us. So we had a fucking date Carlos the driver I'm gonna tell you how cool Carlos was There was one night I had a date Carlos just gave me his fucking call

Like Carlos was my big brother man. So When I reconnected with deedy He turned me back on to Carlos and the funniest story was I was on the run people were looking for me at 85 I was living in bergen county, New Jersey And I hooked up with this girl and went food shopping somewhere But even deeper into New Jersey and at the supermarket I see Carlos And when I go Carlos, he looks at me and he goes hey, you didn't see me I go what they're looking for you too and he goes. Yeah, they're looking for you too

Somebody told me that and that was the last time I saw him in 1985 So it's 2008 2007 I reconnect with Carlos and now we're talking on a constant every time I go home The first fucking night Carlos picks me up We smoke a number we go eat Cuban food the Chinese food and he takes me back to the hotel I give him a big hug and that's what we do so The last two times I went back I went back with my wife last December I didn't see Carlos. That was the first time and then this year September

I was supposed to hook up with him and deedy And I never heard from Carlos and I was kind of heartbroken You know people have lives Whatever it would have been nice to go eat a meal with deedy and Carlos and just catch up But I didn't hear from And I didn't know what had happened and I called them a few weeks after that. I never heard back from so I just thought it was one of those things in life when friends move on As I'm leaving the house today the phone rings. It's fucking Carlos

And we start talking he goes this is the reason why I'm in college He goes I told you my son's been having problems mental health runs in his family So his son's been having a couple problems with it, you know And they finally got a medication and he felt great, but at the same time deedy found out That his nephew was having these problems And he thought it was because of his mental health problems So he slit his neck From one side of the throat to the other he slipped both wrists and both ankles

And he decided to take 30 volumes And he passed out and went to sleep I guess the volumes slowed down his bleeding so he didn't fucking die in his sleep So he got up After two days of sleep and he was covered in blood At this point he realizes he's not dead So he fills up the bathtub And he's gonna electrocute himself

And he fucking throws something in there And they threw off the gfi receptacle And the superintendent or something came up and found them with the blood and called the hospital And he's alive today This is one of my best friends growing up, you know That I loved with all my heart And this is why I tell my wife that

I'm very lucky every fucking day when I wake up Because When I tell you about all those acid drips and shit, remember when I tell you I did acid every day and you're like, no Yeah, it was deedy. I was doing the acid with oh boy when I was doing those fucking gorilla pills Those fucking powders that thc crystal. It was deedy. I was doing it with When I first started my first dissension into cocaine for the first year It was deedy. I was doing it with Me and deedy did the fucking, you know what I'm saying? I'm not saying the drugs gave him the mental health. I'm not saying this shit

But what I'm saying is that he was fine when we were kids He was fine His issues came up later on and I prayed for him, you know before I left a little candle for him I mean, he was one of my best friends growing up. I loved him with all my heart. I mean, you know and uh This is life. This is why I can't even get caught up with stand-up or hollywood Or movies or tv. I really don't give a fuck

Because I'm so lucky to be in the position I'm in right now as just a human being It's tough to explain that to people. It's very tough for me to explain that to people But I really don't give a fuck about the special or how do we don't give a fuck about comedy or the podcast I cannot believe That I got this second chance at life And it makes me so fucking happy at times at the same time. It makes me sad, you know, why are you sad? You know, I got two or three from like I said, you know

I got like two or three fucking friends. I grew up with the drugs ate them up and spit them up and they're walking around and they're alive but I don't know. I don't fucking know well, I mean, you were saying that the uh, the drugs didn't give him the mental health issues. That's probably accurate, but The drugs probably aren't great for someone with those issues. Like that's probably like I'm not saying that did it, but uh, and it's I'm so good that your friend's okay, but like what are you? It's scary when you hear stuff like that to just think people get that low

and I have experience with friends and people close to me, but it's uh No, this just drew me for a loop because Listen, nobody has a fucking crystal ball And nobody could predict I mean, we can't predict our own future. Never mind one of your best friend's futures But if you came to me instead, this kid was gonna slit his fucking throat from ear to ear And then cut his ankles and cut his wrist 20 years ago. I would have fucking punched you and I had

Just for putting that kiss at death on a good friend of mine, you know Now it comes to life and it just uh It just makes me realize how fortunate I am. That's it. And why I don't You know Why I don't give a fuck about any of this stuff Like I'm really happy about my daughter I'm not even mad about Jackie not talking to me anymore. I'm not even mad about that anymore I haven't been mad at my ex-wife in months. I giggle and fuck around with it, but I don't really give a fuck no more

There's nothing I could do to change I have no power over it. This is something We really don't know when I'm young You really don't know these things that we this is powerless type shit All you could control is what's in front of you and what's in your realm, you know When we're young I couldn't understand this type of shit right now Because you obsess about this stuff that you can't control. Yeah, you obsess about all this stuff when we're young that You're like, okay. I'm gonna stop obsessing now and go to sleep at night

You can't fucking live unless you're obsessed with obsessing yourself With fucking nightmares of your life and what am I gonna do when my job is over in three years? Who gives a fuck we'll worry about in three years, you know, like all that type of shit And that's and that's going back don't a lot of people When we were speaking or talking about earlier about how we let our way go when we're focusing on work Don't a lot of people find like when you focus on like losing weight or getting back in shape your other parts of your life Kind of get back in the track. Well When you work on yourself Lee

It's fucking tremendous It is tremendous because you pour more into the other parts. Listen when you're cheating yourself somewhere You're cutting yourself short and other avenues of your life If you're cheating on your wife If you're fucking Gambling your family's money like me. I was snorting my family's money When me and terry would just date and I was snorting our our extra money. I was snort It affects the other parts of your life

It affected my stand-up. It affected my health It affected my self-esteem It affects everything the same when you destroy yourself it affects everything That same fucking nickel when you look out for yourself It helps you in different areas It is it uh When you were walking out of that kettlebell class on friday and you went all three days, right? How good did you really feel in your heart? I loved it. Yeah, you felt like you had really accomplished something

What did it make you do go home smile take a shower? It made you come here. You were a little happier. You did what you had to do For the week at at whatever cost that is the goal To get up on sunday And go, you know what this week I'm gonna do uh, I'm gonna go to the gym three times on sunday morning. You say this to yourself just three times

And you walk out of the third time You know this week i'm gonna write three paragraphs in my book These are why you start with these little goals because it empowers The rest of your life my all goal for monday wednesdays and fridays when i'm in town Is to go to jujitsu Me getting beat up me getting choked up that's just part of the game But when I walk out of there as long as I go in there and this could be anything Doesn't have to be jujitsu. It's an hour that i'm taking care of myself

It could be going to the gym. It could be going to a pilates class. It could be going to a ceramic class Anything where you're taking care of yourself Is beneficial it's beneficial and it's gonna help every area of your life I don't give a fuck if you go to the gym And walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes And sit for the next 50 minutes I wouldn't give a fuck But if you did that three times a week by the fourth week, you're gonna go to yourself

Why do I do this? Let me just walk 20 minutes That's why I tell people show up Don't worry about anything else. Just show up eventually you'll catch on just go down there go down there I know it's not it doesn't really line up because you've been doing comedy much longer than you've been doing jujitsu But you're blue getting your blue belt and your special are pretty close like does it have any correlation or is it all? Listen, man getting the blue belt

I didn't deserve the blue belt I see blue belts in there that'll throw me up in the end wrap me up He gave me the blue belt because i'm a hard worker I had goals. He saw it He saw it. He would send me here at night. I got to come three times Doesn't matter come hell of a high ward. I got to come here three times you have 24 hours a day times seven

I'm talking about three hours of that You know, nobody's that busy Right. Yeah, nobody's that busy Nobody's that busy because even if you work monday through friday and you said to me joey. Guess what? I'm gonna do 10 push-ups and 10 setups and 10 squats on saturdays and sundays And then on wednesdays when I get home from work. I'm gonna do that You just helped yourself by doing those 30 fucking movements And then you say to me, you know what else i'm gonna do joey. I'm gonna get a fucking notebook every morning

and before I When I come out of the shower, i'm gonna write a page Of how i'm feeling What my plans are for the day who i'm mad at Who i'm mad at what am i mad about? You ever go to bed so mad you wake up in the middle night. You're mad. You can't fucking sleep You want to go to sleep open up a page and write it out Within an hour you'll be sleeping like a fucking baby. What do you do? You write a letter because it's your psyche. That's fucking

Not a letter just write about the situation Write the whole situation down Two weeks ago. I gave leap 200 hours to go gamble and he came back with no fucking money and a frown You know what i'm saying? He don't even give me a fucking losing ticket. He had nothing anything anything is better than you sitting there Because sometimes while you're writing it right like let's say you're mad at Your insurance rate went up. Oh my god. I am i'm okay. Let's say you're mad at your insurance rate went up Why you're writing about the situation Something else is gonna come out of that pen

Okay, I like if you that's the cure of insomnia writing whenever I got insomnia, but but listen Did I fucking know that 28? No, did I know that 35? No, I was too busy starting coke I just realized this three four years ago Wait, what do you mean the cure for insomnia because I would think if you start writing and you get on a roll You'd get like you your brain would start going. No, you're getting that shit out and you're gonna go right back to bed Um if you have insomnia, it's just a bump in the road It's just a bump in the road. You're missing your mom Maybe an uncle died. Maybe your favorite cousin get up and write about them for 10 minutes. Watch what happens

Watch what happens Sometimes I just write for 30 minutes then I go in the living room and I catch 10 minutes alone order and i'm done I gotta go write the bed whatever's on a 330 quarter to four i'm done But I don't fight it no more. I get up with it now and I ride the energy wave I write what's ever bothering me because the reason why i'm not sleeping is because that's on my mind That's smart. I would think I didn't know dog. I didn't write this. I didn't invent this I think I read it in some fucking book and then I tried it. I didn't invent this I just fucking tried what I read and it worked for me

In fact, I think I'm gonna read that book. It's the the The war of art the art of war. No the war of art. Okay The art of war is by shinsu. Okay the art of war is by a press list even press field or something I think he in that that book it's either that or the one by uh The horror steven king the one that he wrote it talks about some nights just getting up in the middle of the night and fucking Writing if you can't sleep or some shit like that Okay, that's good. I'll try it because I can never sleep but that's it man. That's It's so weird how my life changed when I started making

Taking little turns to taking care of myself Just little things not nothing outrageous No more soda no more soda, you know A lot more water more whatever just little things constant efforts You know what I'm gonna go to bed, you know, you you've been watching tv and say this to yourself There's a you got to say to yourself Okay, last night I was watching uh I took a big nap yesterday afternoon like a three hour nap

Oh, sure and the night before so I knew last night was gonna be a late night You left at 11 30 quarter to 12 Right, okay, and I had Cuban coffee So my wife went to sleep. I stayed awake And the next thing you fucking know I watched something on Julia serving and uh Marvin bad news Barnes about the ABA And then I got caught up

In some fucking movie I'm watching this movie about 20 minutes And I was watching it What fucking movie was it Jesus Christ? That's how stormed that was last night The last two nights I've been so high at the house by myself The first night bird Christia called me and he goes, hey, you're gonna come over tomorrow I had to call him back the next day go bird you call last night We talked and he's like, yeah, don't you remember I told you to come over at five o'clock tomorrow. I didn't even fucking remember

That's how fucking chiseled I was what do you have? What what intervals did you have everything? I had the transmission fluid I had a couple stars I had some of Larry's happy pills. I was off and running Jack There was no drama in my life. It was late. I was staying home This is my last weekend at home, you know next week. I do new years with Joe Saturday night Friday after I do kaluka casino

Friday after that. I'm in cleveland and the Friday after that. I'm in motherfucking Tempe, Arizona. So These next four weeks I'm working on the weekend. So I figured this last weekend at home. I'm going deep right in my living room and shit I love going deep in my living room. It was fun getting a little stoned in Vegas I like I liked gambling. It was uh It was pretty cool Like you were able to calm calm yourself down because that's the biggest thing and I really think it relates to With gambling like when you start going too fast or you start betting too much is when you start losing so I like I was thinking about you the whole time because that's

I I did great that night because I was I was on stars and I just was betting my normal $15. I just got one on a run And it was uh It's pretty crazy. I don't know much about gambling in that aspect. I'm not a card player But I know that to win at Uh, the slot machines. Yeah, you got to sit there for a fucking hour or two And that's or three or four it's about patience And nailing it nailing it. No one went to bet three quarters. No one to bet one quarter

No one to bet three quarters. No one to bet one quarter No one, you know, and then just catching it pretty soon you start catching the machine and you start flowing You hit two wheel of fortune You win 40 bucks and now and that's the guy that wins You know, that's what I know about that right my my biggest issue is leaving because I Like I lost but then I went and hit like 150 off of 20 on slot on slots and I gambled it away I kept trying to I kept trying to play that's why they call it gambling Lee

If you wanted to fucking hold on to it, you just go up to your room and create a museum Just look at your six 20 dollar bills and sit there all night like a bumpy be here in vegas your natural Uh, whatever instinct is to go back downstairs and try to rock the house Or say, you know what i'm gonna put 60 in my pocket and i'm gonna bet with 60 and see what happens But I understood larry's logic larry didn't want you to go to one of the big casinos Because he didn't want you to lose your money at his casino There was a five dollar table that you could milk for two fucking hours I went to the his casino and that's where I lost the rest of my my winnings

It was the coolest night for me because I I just got lucky I I thought first I I had lost all week and joey gave you gave me this 100 bucks to gamble I was like, this is joey's money and then out of like this out of the the abyss I saw it's not for darry queen Excalibur has a darry queen. They didn't it wasn't open

But I was just thinking like what would you do and there was this cool There was this cool black dude dealer. I went down alone with him. I used to gamble alone And he just started we just started going And I ended up hitting like eight black jacks in like 30 minutes. I I just hit a ton of them out betting 15 bucks And they just started giving me green chips, which is 25 And I never bet those the look that scares me And when I got I just I turned off I turned your hundred into six

I was so happy And I just got up and moved to the next table I just moved to the next table and they said this is a 25 dollar table. I said, okay I'll try it with the hundred If I lose that I'll be done And I just start winning winning winning. I got up to like I got up to right up to a thousand. I think pretty close but I and I

Anyways, I just I you you always go on lower ones But I sat there was a professional black jack player there But in like a thousand a hand it was freaking me out. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen Yeah He got black he like he got black jacks on like 500 dollar chips So you were up a gino laroo Well, yeah, I was pretty close to him. Did you go to your room after with the gino? No, then where'd you lose the gino? okay, so I got I was

I was down to like 700 Because you just you what gets you is the doubling because that that's it's the fucked up thing There's hands that you're always supposed to double which is doubling your bet And you doubled two or three of them and then the dealer pulls the 21 out of nowhere and it's That's why it's a gambling and that's why the casinos are huge. So what did you go back to your room with after that five? Well, no, no, then see this is where they get you I should have if I had left When the tram that's why they don't have clocks if they if I had left when the tram was still running I would have been up like 700 bucks

But then I had to walk home and I'm I'm really just Test out the other casinos. So I lost a couple in uh In the Luxor with like, you know the uh that lady at the at the ice house The nice lady who was the uh host. Yeah, like the asian version of her Next to a guy in a wheelchair And why I whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you gamble next to a guy in a wheelchair. Yeah, that's the kiss of death right there Oh, why because?

because See this is why there's no asians No, fucking You know, none of that stuff. You gotta you gotta be around by yourself. That's when you were winning. See that's where you fucked up I'm not saying not to be next to wheelchair people I'm saying that you had just one fucking ten thousand dollars. You should have gone back to a table by yourself Uh, oh, you should have just stayed with the black dude on the black dude left the bottom But the actually the one who gave me the most was an asian lady who and I love it

That I know we have a lot of asian listeners, but just you guys are too good at being Dealers you go too fast the asian the asian women are like ninjas They just go like it's just it's the fastest thing you end up losing really fast because they don't stop Because they've been they're just amazing at their jobs and How much did you get back to the room with I well then I went and gambled with a guy from uh, new york Am I so I got back with 400 all right, and then the next day I went to uh, lunch with larry and his son who was awesome, but uh I lost like 300 in like 20 minutes. It was the worst

It was the worst and you drove home and that was it mama was waiting for you. She smacked you around a little bit Yeah, well, yeah, but I mean I I only go with what I can lose So I'm like nothing. I'm still gonna be able to pay my rent Even I told paula what I lost. She's like you have a problem. I was like, okay but uh I don't know. I just love it. It's listen, man. I think everybody has a different way of burning energy It's not like you're fucking chasing bets every week. No, and that's the problem You went to vegas. This is what you'll enjoy to be honest with you

This is what you enjoy you enjoy eating and you enjoy fucking gambling. Oh, yeah Where's tony bennett cocksucker? What the fuck? This is why you gotta tell him you enjoy gambling and eating and I enjoy it by myself I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart I Some somebody twice as smart As I

A somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do with me fucking christmas And here we are Fucking beautiful 2016 is almost gone 2017 is right around the corner It's time for another start. Oh my god, what the fuck? You can't walk on one leg. You know what I'm saying?

Right now the three wise men were showing up with an envelope They just started their journey. I can't walk at all right now. Oh, fuck it. You don't need to walk Who gives a fuck you got nowhere to go and nobody to see Ventura was great last weekend for anybody who came out To the hong kong and it was fucking tremendous. My set was a little off. I went a little long But uh, I love you guys. I love that place I like the guy who runs it. You know mooshu pork wasn't bad And uh, thank you. I want to thank my main man fucking ryan

For coming out and giving me 20 bags of fucking reefer out there We got mushrooms for you lee coming. We got another guy who promised mushrooms for lee It was a great night if you came out. Thank you very much, man That's all I want to fucking say while lee was in vegas Eating and having a good time. I was up there hand to hand combating it With you motherfuckers, you know i'm saying up at ventura. So it was great. It was raining here It was uh, three or four days of fucking torture here with the rain. These people cannot drive in the rain. So

It's pretty interesting to see Yes, lee. Yes, sir. If you had to think about it on my way to ventura the weirdest thing happened Uh, I've been playing phone tag for like the last three weeks with with mike robuck Mike robuck called him with the book of knives. Oh, absolutely It was hard just to get a hold of him. He's been working Never just having a conversation about like uh Having really bad christmases, you know that his brother had Gone through some stuff and we hung up and

I started thinking about fuck Like what were my worst christmases can you have any bad christmases growing up? Growing up I had a bunch of I feel tired. It's what I had always had great christmases I uh as I got older my parents Would fight during the holidays a little bit which Isn't great, but every family does that it's not like that's weird But my worst ones where I guess would probably be out here the first few years just When I didn't really have anybody with it

Usually I got pretty lucky to be honest with you at least once somebody or work or work would have A potluck or something. That's That's the great thing about people now is they they usually tend to invite some that's something Maybe not on christmas day like that would suck sometimes But dilly's be included in it You know, I meant to call dean delray today To invite him over. I just didn't know my schedule was gonna be like I said I was tired I got up at fucking 10 to six. I went to bed at what 130

I got up at 10 to six expecting to get up and have to build the bike And have to wrap a few things I get up I go into the office and everything's missing I go, what the fuck happened? I go into living my wife got up at three And wrapped some shit and so I woke up. I go gonna build the bike. She goes now. Let's just build it with her together So I was already up. So I got up at six. They both stayed in bed till eight She said your daughter stayed in bed till eight this morning. Yeah, I wrote I smoked some reef. I made a protein shake. I just entertained myself

I've been really working on this book lately Like I really now have the time So I got the chapters, you know, I'm working at two chapters at once And I've been trying to hit one chapter at night and one chapter in the daytime early And it's just uh You know, you put into a three paragraphs The next day you look at it. You put the fucking periods Maybe you take out three sentences that are unnecessary and you start writing three more paragraphs

So I'm in a pretty good pattern, you know It's tough to write in those hotel rooms. It's tough to write three days and come back to it But this has been pretty good. So I've been sticking to that lately, you know, it's I you know, I was thinking about ADD today I was last night We ended up going to Bert's house and there was probably 10 kids over there 12 kids over there none of them mercies age, you know All of them three or four years older than mercy

So mercy's in the heaven A four year old around eight year olds. They're in their fucking heaven, you know And uh When I walked in with her she sat right next to Bert's daughter Georgia She really likes the older one and Georgia likes her So they were together for a little while and then next thing you know, she's in the fucking yard on the swing Then she's putting on her jacket and she's going in And then she sits down on the couch and then she gets up and they got that movie on Moana

Whatever they got that on but no mercy sits down then she gets up I ended up the jacket first. She sits down again. I walk out of the room I see mercy go into the doll room and I'm sitting there I'm thinking about this fucking thing that somebody was telling me once I was at a lunch and somebody was blowing smoke up my ass about their kids ADD I'm sitting there thinking to myself What the fuck is this guy talking about he's got to be on medication that if not he he loses his shit I'm like what I got it. I've always had it, you know

But I didn't realize I had it till fucking last night When I was watching mercy fucking walking around Because when I was a kid they used to always tell me this motherfucker can't sit still I can never sit still as a child. That's why I didn't fucking sleep and stuff So that was you going from thing to thing to thing like today Well, she was on the bike for 10 minutes Then the bike was over and then we played baseball for 10 minutes Then we kicked the ball for 10 minutes

And then we fucking play with bubbles for 10 minutes And then we bent back in and she sang to me. Tommy used to send her a microphone with some fucking box Princess whatever the hell it is. So she loves that thing and I knew she was when Tommy used to tell me what he got Or I go Jesus fucking guys Tommy used to she's gonna love that thing a microphone With a little miss Sophia. Are you kidding me and the karaoke's? Oh my god. Oh, yeah, so the karaoke's with the song You following me so she likes miss Sophia. Yeah, I don't know anything. I don't know nothing

It's like 10 of them. She listens to You know, but she was on that and then she was in the fucking thing with the hot wheels. It never ends So I was thinking about if you really have this do you really have to treat it? What do you mean because my generation nobody treated nothing. They just gave you more soda Until you fucking went crazy, you know ADD do you know anything about this? I don't I mean, but I don't I don't know if it's ea is it Should I be concerned or is it just bullshit at four? Isn't that just being a kid a kid? Yeah, that's how I look at It's just being a kid. Listen, man. She don't

At daycare. Yeah, she's got nine best friends at daycare. Yeah, but you know what? She's happiest when she's by herself She's an only child like I was so she's hugging kids at daycare She hangs out with a little black dude Who fell down and bumped his head the other day? Oh, yeah, and they put a bandage on his head hysterical So my wife walked in he kept Pointing to the bandage Yeah, because they put helmets on when they ride bicycles

I would hope so but the fucking ledge caught him right under the helmet the poor kid Oh It's not bad enough. He's already deaf And you know, he's the cutest little fucking mother fucking black kid you ever seen in life every time I see in my knuckle I'm high five and give my hug. He gives me a hug. I've known the kid for two years I was swimming with the kid when he was a baby me him and my daughter So I know zave since he was a fucking baby. So That's hysterical

But yeah, she was did she have a good time today? Well, yeah, I mean, I don't think you have anything to worry about She had a great time at bird crushes last night. I'm very happy. I want to really thank him for inviting me over there It was very nice of him He knows that you know We were gonna go to george's house and george's has little dogs and shit and it's adults You know every time we go to george's we have a great time But she's the star of the night because she's the only fucking kid Right adults and they play whatever and stuff, you know

But to be around kids And she got to look at them and stuff It was really great for her. She was dead till nine. You know, we kept her out late last night partying So I knew she was gonna sleep late today I knew she was gonna sleep till she didn't really get the concept of waking up For christmas when we showed her that santa ate the cookie She looked at us like it was a magic trick like you know what i'm saying like she didn't really She got it, but she didn't give a fuck. She was just ripping through those toys ripping through the papers and shit

She's like, yeah, I don't care how they got here. Yeah, I don't fucking know She you know, my wife put the gifts out. I'm being known. It's to me what I wanted to do She goes no, let's put them out I had a whole plan That there's nothing there in the morning and also there's a thousand gifts there There's nothing there at night and all of a sudden you wake up. There's a thousand fucking Gifts gone. I wanted to put the dish with the milk And then spill it and then as soon as I heard the door I'd be hey come back. You just missed santa claws

Yeah, yeah, that was shit. My wife didn't want to do that I you know Who the fuck knows so I didn't know once she put the gifts out. I said, this is it This is it. I didn't like it It took the fucking it took the The pizzazz off because it's supposed to be like us. Yeah, it's supposed to be christmas morning That's what I felt. I don't yeah, I never I was always after that for me For me, I want to go to bed and there'd be nothing there

Just a tree with lights and I can't find the fucking presents. I can't figure what the fuck they got them in You know, I know they're around here. My friend told me there's no fucking santa claws But I know there is my mom and dad wouldn't lie to me. They're you know, whatever the fuck And then all of a sudden you wake up Christmas morning and there's fucking toys everywhere One of them is built. That's christmas You know Show them a picture

You know now you could fucking buy the videotape Of santa drinking milk or something in your house and show your kid That's a terrible you could download there's something you could download now I don't know. I don't fucking know. I just wanted to make it that way If I think about my worst christmas, I gotta think about my best christmas And my best christmas was a 205 west 88th street when we left it mine as a family There was no presents and we came back at three in the morning. There were fucking presents. Okay That's a fucking trick right there

That's my story and i'm sticking to it cocksucker. Let me give some shout outs real quick here And we'll get out of this. I want to first off. I want to thank uh I want to wish the whole church family a happy merry christmas and a happy new year. You know, I love you guys Again, my man ryan from detroit Bobby sharon and crystal denis migari paul lynch bob lilingus and his family jj stemler william avala michael travino

jimmy demingas Noah zark and the mother fucking ortega's and shit making it happen up there in fucking northern california And that's basically it my man, you know, I want to do a podcast I just I uh I had a lot of fucking bad christmas You know But they weren't bad in the sense that

I brought them upon myself Okay They weren't bad because life was cruel to me In many ways. I brought it upon myself The one christmas that I thought was going to be bad was prison And it was tremendous Like the next day the 26th I opened up my eyes and that's it and that's how some people view christmas They view christmas like they just want to wake up and it's the 26th of september of december. I'm sorry

And I understand that like, you know, it's that hard of a day for you And I think there was a time too like when my mom first died those first couple of years I didn't really want to experience christmas. It wasn't going to be christmas without it I thought it would never be christmas without as a matter of fact Um If it wasn't for my daughter just be another day for me I'm not gonna lie to you like I told you in the document three years ago Once you lose a parent you go move on

But it's like eating food, but no salt on it You know what I'm saying? That's what your life becomes and you don't have a parent, you know, that's why uh Those first couple years christmas didn't mean dick christmas didn't mean dick till I got back like a family environment Like an 86 87 Christmas meant something again because I had a girlfriend and a family and I had somewhere to go But all those years I was out there fucking playing the scavenger I didn't give a fuck. It's funny because today I talked to timmy halloween

And we were talking about the christmas as we used to spend at his house You know christmas 81 christmas 82 And I think uh christmas of 84 I went down there to eat at his house They were tremendous They're fucking tremendous. What ages are that is that 17 18? Like 22 or something like that 21 But the one when we were 17 You know we walked in there fucking half

Stone we ate like animals It was a different time, you know It was a different time christmas is And uh, we were talking this morning him and I about how How much life has changed, you know And in many ways some ways I can handle it in some ways I can't You know why not a lot of ways I don't know sometimes it gets late at night. My wife goes to bed

I'm in the living room watching tv and I start getting self-doubts at night. I start thinking about like More shit I could be doing, you know, here I am fucking around I don't know. I beat myself up just like everybody else But I also beat myself up at times about how fast This life went like one minute. I was somewhere And the next minute I was somewhere else like some nights I questioned myself like Where the fuck did it go and how fast did it go? When you're 20 you really don't see you think you have all this time

But you really fucking don't It goes so goddamn quick and Why is it is it upsetting because like you think you're like you're a fear of death? No, no, no, no, no, not at all at times. I'm I'm uh At at at times it's kind of hard that that's all behind me now that those aspects of my life are behind me now Okay, but all the bad aspects I'm also sad about

The good aspects of my life back then that are behind me now You know when I go back to New Jersey that deli I grew up and is no longer there no longer exist All those people that I used to walk up and down of you know, it's so funny right now. I'm writing about 1983 when I was a burglar in snowmass. I had a day job. I was taking night classes You know, I never bought coke All right, I was only buying weed But if I come to you I'd say listen my roommate wants to buy some coke The coke was really for me and when I was doing was robbing coke dealers

But since I didn't snore coke, they didn't suspect me Are you with me? Okay. Yeah, so they didn't suspect me So for about five or six months I was robbing drug dealers, but nobody suspected me because I didn't do coke They would offer it to me. I go no, I don't do coke. I smoke pot But meanwhile you were doing a ton of coke I wasn't doing a ton of coke. I was robbing coke And snorting it little by little when I get home at night. I wasn't snorting in the front of the whole bar That was and I was doing it to the tee

What does that mean to the tee? I never broke my rule I never did cocaine outside the house at night Okay, when I was at a bar and had one drink I let run home and get hot But I never got high the whole time in snowmass in the beginning out So what I would be, how high are you right now, Lee? Oh, it looks like you're going through changes again This is changes right now. No, I could tell you're making funny faces. You got it's like somebody farted. You're covering your nose So it was funny that I was doing great

I had a more fooled But I had done a burglary In september of a labor day weekend And I got away with it and it was right in my backyard. I said fucking I'm not gonna clip up in my backyard no more I'll clip an aspen and I'll clip down valley. I only robbed drug dealers in snowmass. I won't rob businesses And then one christmas eve I went out and drank a couple fucking southern comforts and army shoes And I got all fucked up and I kicked the door down in like four places And the next day made the papers

And people were paranoid and people were talking about it like I would go to play darts at people's houses and Smokes and pot with them and they were all saying can you believe somebody broke them all? And then one night some guy even said yeah, they were robbing some drug dealers And there was zero one in on the guy that was robbing the code dealers. There was zero in the guy named Todd something I'll never forget this and the whole time I'm hanging with these guys and they're telling me it's that though Todd that's breaking into all the drug dealers Little did they know it was me. I was gonna say are you Todd? No, I wasn't Todd at all. So I had it going really good I had money put away. I had gold put away. I had a block of hash put away

Weird gold put away. Yeah, what does that mean because I had clicked gold from people I had a bunch of shit put away And my plan was just to sit on it and if I needed to make a move This is like money in the bank for me. I was making money as an electricians helper. I wasn't paying much rent I was eating salami and fucking salads then and a steak for dinner I was buying weed and a lot of the coke I was snorting was for free because I was robbing it And I would always get a little cash and I would rob the drug dealers So I robbed those four fucking things

The pictures in the but not my picture They do it right up in both papers They don't mention drug dealers, but when I'm out one night they start talking about these drug dealers that are getting robbed I'm giggling the whole time because I know they don't have who gots How how did that make the newspaper? The because there were four businesses. Well, yeah, the four businesses I can't vote how did the were the drug dealers complaining? I didn't know but I had heard that one night somebody said, you know I heard about businesses, but I also heard drug dealers again rob. Oh my

I'm sitting there I'm terrorizing the whole neighborhood at the age of 19. I got the whole village wait 19 I was 19 and that village lit on fire. How long have you been there? I got there maybe july of 83. Okay And it's november 84 I had already terrorized like 10 drug dealers and here's the beauty. I would hit them three times Like they would get hit three times like the second time you figure fuck. I'm gonna get out of the That was even a torture chamber then

How long would he give them between robbings? Four or five weeks and I clip I let them refuel let them get back on their feet and get confident And I'd see him out talking Like yeah, I gotta go now and shit. Okay, and I just wait for them to go skiing and kick down their door Oh, yeah Every time they went skiing ba ba ba boom There I was And I and I wasn't even kicking in their door to be honest you know those drug dealers got their doors kicked in

I had the fucking key Oh, I had I figured out how to break into my friend jimmy God rest his soul tool for me That you know all the condos were the same Lee It was called creekside. So it was a the fucking k They all had the same door four doors in each condo a to k a b c d e f g h i j k 11 fucking buildings

Are you kidding me or what? What letter did he get to? Okay, I hit the whole fucking thing. You know me. I don't what do you think I'm gonna stop an eye? I got time for that shit So All right, so it's fucking January 1st In my fucking ketosis. I'm sitting there And I'm thinking to myself, you know what man? I'm gonna go back home

But I'm gonna rob this one last joint All right, there was this joint That had a safe that was filled to the gills that wasn't stapled to the floor Plus the guy made mistake number one The shit he had out in the glass He would never put it in the safe. He'd leave it out all night in his own house. No, this was a business So Even though

Wait, how is it a business? I can't tell you what type of business Give you imagination. I just gave you a fucking hit So this guy first off I had hooked up with a dude who was on the run from minneapolis I had hooked up with a dude I had hooked up with two dudes. I changed my life at that age I had hooked up with a dude that was tremendous with weapons But I also

Looked up with a dude Who was a fucking stone cold criminal so I thought I'll fill you in on this in later chapters So I fucking thought And he taught me how to I would tell him I would in those days you had to go get a box. Okay This is when it was fucking scarily Because you were putting I was already telling you So I would have to get a box

of camera In those days if you wanted a camera, they came in a fucking box. This is how much of an amateur I was And I would take pictures of them all And then by mistake I would click the pictures of the alarm system And I would bring them to my friend I would get them developed Okay, then bring them to my friend Tell them everything the measurements I'd take

Picture but I take pictures of the building so the people at Kodak wouldn't suspect it because in those days you got your film developed in one hour But they looked at your pictures, you know what I'm saying, right? I never wanted them to just see pictures of one target. So I took pictures of a bunch of stuff And I was always talking about architecture So they didn't know if I was an architecture student or whatever. This is a small town So I'd have to go get the pictures and bring them to him and he would tell me he'd go there one day And then he'd tell me how to break into the alarms Where to cut the alarm system how much time I had before the cops got the fucking back up

This guy knew everything So I said if I'm gonna go home I already got an envelope to go home with I could go home for fucking two weeks and live like a king But why not really live like a king? Let me rob this fucking last joint So I planned to hit this joint like the first week of january and I wasn't going home till february 1st It went ice fucking planned and guess what else happened a fucking blizzard of snow So I'm I'm talking about fucking one of these east coast storms. I'm talking about a colorado storm

Fucking eight inches and three hours that type of shit like it's a whiteout type shit So the night I planned it it's a fucking whiteout So what happens so I leave from where I live Maybe 300 yards on this mountain and I creep up To this little mini mall where this business was at and they had a front entrance and a back entrance My plan was to go through the front entrance Uh, this is 10 years before I met josh wolf and clipped the safe pick up the safe and throw it off the fucking mountain This was before the snow. I was gonna let the safe and gravity do its own work

What if it popped over and the money went flying then I'd pick up the cash and run like a motherfucker And I wouldn't have to take the safe back to the garage and I wouldn't have to have the evidence So I cut the two wires. There was no fucking cameras in those days. I cut the two wires And to my fucking behold There was a whiteout But the fucking cops came up the hill with their lights on And two cop cars came up with their lights on which gave me a jump

So I just ran home. I didn't even I just cut the wires and I must have cut the wrong wire and they got the fucking call Oh, Jesus. So they come up I jump off the back balcony And I run home and let me tell you something was snowing so hard that yeah That hole was filled within 10 fucking minutes Like it was filled that's how much snow there was like I was falling everywhere But it was snowing so much and I went the long way. I went all the way to k Because I had shoveled

So I knew k and all that was open. I walked down the the thing My mistake was I took my boots off when I brought them in They followed the snow path to my door and then the cops like Where were you coming from when I said I came from Aspen and all this shit and I go I must have not gotten mixed up With the snow, but I didn't rob no jewelry snow, but now they knew Now I was on a short list now you're on the radar. So now I had a boogie You know, so for three weeks I had to walk around

Wait to see if they were gonna pinch me They never pinched me but now the the burglaries also stopped So I definitely knew it was me Did you think you had to command another robber Um, I did but there was nothing to rob that interested me at that point all my challenges have been done Unless I wanted by this time I knew they were on to me. It's not like they were watching me It was too small of a place to be watched They could always uh

You know, but they were at least watching out for shit now now they knew How many people Do you think are there? that just live And around the country move every couple years and just move city to city and rob A ton you think so It catches up with you

You leave, you know, you're like a fucking slug you leave shit behind So you leave enough shit behind they'll come back to haunt you it did me It did me It didn't work What they found out in the different cities I was that didn't fucking help my cause No, I can't You know when when I went to get For my preliminary hearing

When I fired my attorney that's when they took me in the back and the dea was there and they were showing me pictures The district attorney from bolder The guy that was trying to prosecute me was giving me paperwork And showing me he goes listen, man. We did like a thorough background check on you You were fucking in trouble in san francisco They just started spitting it out. You wouldn't trouble in new york city. You in trouble in jersey. You got in trouble in canada They fucking did a thorough Check all those places. I thought I was being fucking cute at

They fucking knew about especially aspen and especially the story. I'm telling you right fucking now Jesus Fucking craziness, man How does that make you feel like when you hear that? When I went they told me to my face. Yeah, oh, I knew I knew everything comes back to haunt you Don't think you get away when and this is way before computers What they had done was called. You know what I am like? This is when you call This was way before computers were very

You know Three yeah, they were still some people had really good computer systems And some people didn't you know in 84 I got busted for weed And they already had that fingerprint thing in the car Where if you don't have an idea they put your fucking fingerprint or some shit in there You know, I went to other towns where I gave them a name And it was a it was a felony I did but I gave him a name It takes them 10 days to run your fucking name in some places not anymore

Not anymore jack. It's a meteor, right? It's fucking 10 seconds 10 seconds everything comes back on NCIC in the old days. They had to send fingerprints And that gets put on a list So you might get bailed the fucking did you electrocute yourself? Did you know what the fuck just happened? I'm just really high So you might you might get a rest on the friday give them a fake fucking name Right when I was doing all that stupidity you might get a rest on a friday gave them a fake name bail out monday

And they wouldn't know for 30 fucking days Fuck then they would catch you when you came back to court if you came back if you were that dumb to come back And people they come back, you know who came back Me and that's how long it took them. I went back to the community service They didn't catch it was me till a year later in seattle. I got arrested and I saw That I wasn't wanted But they figured out that was one of my aliases Oh

So like yeah, we did you did it, but we know you who you are now. Yeah, so they they just said fuck it We're not gonna arrest you. We just know you fucking did that shit It's pretty interesting now. You can't do that now the computer system They got you in 10 fucking seconds So it's really do you think Can you have a career after you get out of jail like if you were a thief Could you go to jail? Did the time get out and just start doing it again? As a thief

Listen man, I don't know anything about today's world and what's going on I do know that I see fucking cameras for everything Right. Yeah, I do know now that when a liquor store gets robbed It comes on eyewitness news. I know that one A burglary happens and it's an amateur burglary It's on film Do you follow him saying to you if For fucking spanish kids throw a rock through a glass and climb in and take the things in the jewelry store

That's street shit. They're gonna show you that But they're not gonna show you footage of people who are in there Taking safes and You know, no people who know how to fucking chisel safes that I gotta show you those tapes No, and and Regular ordinary homes have those security systems now like my my uh Yeah, they're gonna shoot you in the head four times before the cops get there If you don't give me what's in your home safe

That's the real deal. I could shoot you in the head four fucking times after you press that buzzer And walk out of there with luggage and shit and the cops still won't be there. Yeah Is that your line to them I could shoot you in the head four fucking times don't press that buzzer You shoot that you press that button. I shoot you four times in the head. We're good at you. You know what I'm saying? I could still get out of there by the time, you know They realize you're fucking out of it Oh That's a fucked up thought to have to have

I just got no arm Huh, I had to get no arm. Yeah, absolutely. It's spooky over there. It's spooky It's oaky spooky over there dog. It's fucking spooky at night. It's fucking dark. Fuck you too quiet Yeah, it's a bit too quiet. You got the yard and shit. Fuck you Fuck you rudy was telling me when he was on the podcast. Yeah, I go rudy. Give me the guy's fucking number. Fuck you Give me the whole thing booby traps lights explosives. You miss the mexican ice cream man Over here. Yeah Yeah, I stopped fucking with him

When I got up to like 3 36 I was like, I can't be fucking with the mexican ice cream man No more motherfucker shows up at the weirdest times of the night. I need him like I need a fucking milkshake at two in the morning Fuck him He had me off chiseled out for a fat dude So he was sitting in front of my window and just ring his little ice cream pal Fucking three four times a day. He even beeped the horn like I'm stuck when the ice cream man beeps the horn at you You know, you're a fat fuck I was walking I was going to the gym. That's when I first moved here too

I was walking my wife to work in the morning and then I would stay walking for an hour And then I would go home Eat weight watchers go to the gym and I noticed damn i'm putting on fucking pounds It was that fucking mexican ice cream man beeping the horn at me He was luring me after they talked on me tell me a fucking ice cream Was he mad like he was mad at you for making him wait? Not at all. He'd wait out there till I got to beep You know after 15 minutes, you're like there's got to be beeping for me. I look out the window. He's out there waving

I fucking say fucking he's out there. You want something? No, I'm gonna get a double cone Then I realized Jesus Christ. He's double cones are fucking killing me. So I cut that motherfucker off then he sweats governments He's like there's 10 different dudes now Every time one guy gets comfortable. They hear something and they fucking leave town So it's tough having an ice cream and he works it Listen, if you sit here at six o'clock at night From six to 11 Lee He'll come by twice an hour

Really? Yeah, he comes right. He just goes all his routers From chandler to the corner up all these side creepy houses here. That's what his root is He'll come by here at six and about six forty two And then about seven fifteen Then about ten to eight and he takes a breather and he goes to about 11 11 30 I'd be getting home from the commie store. Let's see his red lights by my house And I go damn this guy's a fucking pimp Yeah, they don't mess around that like they're out tonight and yesterday after they were out tonight

Yeah, of course. Yeah, they don't give a fuck christmas eve They're immigrants. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck at all. There's no christmas They're family stuck in whatever country they get to there with them. That's what I saw But you did you notice every business around here was closed today. Oh, yeah, of course Nothing was open nothing denny's and I'm not going to denny's I know know how diner that always open And 7-eleven was open. That's it. The denny's literally had a line out the door Well, you want 11 30 you have to fucking church like a mook a mook the law you got to go

At nine the church on sunday Because if not, it's a horror show over there once church gets out Today was a big church day, brother. You're not eating breakfast in this town Don't give a frenchman's fuck. There was a tough day in this town for breakfast Egg McMuffin was delicious Wait till you look at your shit later on it's green and stuff Dieg ain't even real I have them

Oh, you'll say I don't know It's a great way to start the week. I'm happy you people fucking spent it with us the last hour and a half I know it wasn't a big ho hum type of fucking energy, but it's just me and lea christmas eve Fucking tonal christmas night. Yeah, it's fucking bullshit to your people Uh, we're not gonna do a podcast the rest of the week. We come back to you motherfuckers January 2nd or 3rd direct We're gonna take a week off and hang out and clean the office and

Come back one night and do some shit in here. And that's it, man We just wanted to Spend some time with you guys and tell you that we love you We're not fucking leaving you. We're just taking a few days off gives you a chance to listen to all the old podcasts and Do whatever it is you need to do but I'm gonna make your transition fucking smoother. Okay Number one

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Anac.com and press church. Boom c i h you are C8 that's how high I am already tonight. Number two leo cop to these people. I love these people I don't get them because I don't fucking like cooking. I don't like fucking cooking. I'm through with fucking cooking I don't even I like to make the sandwiches. I'll make tuna fish like a motherfucker I made some nachos the other night because I was desperate my wife had all the chemicals But you know what maybe one maybe one time I'll bring out one of the blue. It burns over Okay, maybe I'll do that. Well, I had like three deliveries and I liked it the food was great It's awesome against the food. It's measured perfectly. It's exactly what you want and how you want it's portioned

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Again, I want to thank audit Again, I want to thank all the great sponsors. We've had this year from tushies to me undies to to to zip recruiter But listen, man I want to thank you guys the most the church family and I want you to sit down and uh this week smoke a fucking joint put on your favorite deep purple album you and bobby sharing and uh Write your goals down right what you want for the new year. I was I've been writing them for the last week What I want to make better how I'm going to make it better I got to get my nightlife cooking a little bit. My nightlife is a little fucking boring

I got to mix it up a little bit. I'm gonna have to catch a jujitsu at night Maybe switch a podcast to a morning. We might have to switch it up here Something's not working for uncle joey. So uh, I got to make it right. But listen again. I want to wish you a merry christmas I want to wish you a happy holiday. I want to wish you a happy new year health Happiness and then the money comes later. Trust me. I'm telling you Lee my brother is so fucking high right now He can't wait to get off there. So you go get air or jump off a building

Or do whatever it is he's going to do again. Thank you very much for being my family Thank you for supporting my specialist siso. Thank you for supporting myself and lee And for being the best fucking family We've ever had all right Have a great fucking rest of the holiday and a happy new year and we'll catch you guys next monday morning Thank you for listening. Have a great holiday. Stay safe. Be careful. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart You In your eyes boy, just one moment to be bold

That's your side sometimes I think that's an Understand me Maybe this time is forever Safe camping Oh That's all you want me Something special In your life

Just one more moment To be warming He can't Get by his side Sometimes I think that you never Understand me But something tells me together We'll be happy

Oh Baby, I will be your father But your tiny hand in mine I will be your preacher Anything you had in mind I will be your father I have had enough I will be the one who loves you

Till the end of time Oh That's all I wanted but sometimes look and be mistaken Fully crying That's all I wanted Just to see my Baby Blue-white shine

This time I think that my love Understand me If we have a human charger Then we can be Strong I will be your father But your tiny hand in mine I will be your preacher

Anything you had in mind I will be your father I have had enough I will be the one who loves you Till the end of time If you are the desert I will see If you ever hunger

Hunger for me Whenever you ask for That's what I'll be So when you remember The ones who have lied Said there's a kid But then left as you cried You will hold on

Don't think of me Because I love you Baby, I want you Baby It's in your eyes Baby And love can't lie No

We'd be with the eyes on the child My love is always telling me So There's a kiss and a smile Just hold on And I won't let you go My baby I will be your father

But your tiny hand in mine I will be your preacher Anything you had in mind I will be your father I have had enough I will be the one Who loves you Till the end of time

I will be your father I will be your I will be your preacher I will be your heart Be your head I will be the one Who loves you Till the end of time

Thanks for watching