Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #443 - Theo Von

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

Theo Von, Comedian whose special "No Offense" is available on Netflix and the co-host of the "Allegedly Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and get a $500 new driver bonus.  Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Watch Joey's Special, "Sociably Unacceptable" Now!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/02/2017.
  

Hi, I am too. You couldn't you hide the stars dog. I didn't puke all of them Oh, you gotta leave at least three more shit. Get your fucking life in orderly. You fucking muscle hamster This show is presented by on it The church of what's happening now is brought to you by zip recruiter The new year means a fresh start for your business and a great year starts with great making great hires Our listeners can post jobs on zip recruiter for free by going to zip recruiter comm slash church That's zip recruiter comm slash church zip recruiter comm slash church The show is also brought to you by lift

Go to lift dot com lift is where drivers can make up to 35 dollars an hour and getting started is just a tap away Sign up today at lift comm slash Joey sign up today to drive for lift at lift comm slash Joey Oh Shit kick that mule motherfucker. It's all over 2017 the restraining order is over We're kicking this mule with the Ovan my nephew Lisa yet Your uncle motherfucking Joey kick it Lee Blast the fucking speakers. I want the speakers to blow up I want to see somebody's balls blow off their body

I want to see my dick try to fuck my ass Oh shit He's What's happened you bad motherfuckers happy new year to you and yours I hope this is a happy year for you I hope you're healthy because if you ain't healthy you can't get your dick sucked and you cannot make any get us You understand me and you can't hug your kids. So My number one my one of my favorite people in this fucking city is on the show tonight the Ovan My little fucking Jewish nephew already started the new year off

Puking the edibles tonight. I don't know what happened. You know what happened You know what happened, bro You know what happened fucking little money away from me for a week and you didn't keep up the training Okay, first of all, I don't want to hear a story. I don't know exactly what happened ten years You've never puked around me except that one night on the ass, but then I went deep. I even burped in my own mouth Wow Yeah, you've ripped a little mushroom you pissed an old singular burp and a little bit of belly come a little bit of fucking yellow Acidic fluid

But keeps your tongue would go in four or five hours that night Lee I took you to I took you to fucking seal training that night. I did going under fucking barbed wire and shit That was something that I felt horrible about but tonight you didn't even let the medication hitching your fucking those chocolate Luna is but you told me you bought four of them and took them down along. I did you can see I die a video evidence That's why this is why Did you eat the whole thing of course I did what do you mean eat the whole thing eat it off camera and do magician tricks I never do it. I used not to watch him. He would put the ease of you. Yeah, you got those fingers They move real best magician

Oh, they keep 10% of the Yeah, they invented the fucking magician fucking Jews. That's who invented the magician Man, yeah, last time I saw Lee was over here squealing on the pan When I came in I thought I heard us No, I'm like there's kind of a squealing in the microphone at first and Lee's like I'll fix it and by the end It was Look like a fucking disabled gerbil, bro That's how I felt that was like the deepest I've ever been on mushrooms. Hey look like a damn welfare gerbil

He was over here. It was chocolate mushrooms that smell like parmesan cheese He was eating it and it was foaming out of his mouth. I just put it in my mouth and drank it I didn't deal with it. He wants to fucking chew it. He wants a snack at all. He thinks it's Anthony Bourdain You got to swallow them drugs dog. You can't be fucking that's what I tried to do tonight And that's why I'm puked up over the floor because you said you were making fun of me You're like just swallow that motherfucking thing Lee and I was like still a whole chunk and my body just is like I think my body is starting to fight back because I wasn't getting that fucked up over the weekend Because you do them every night and you do little amounts. You got to go deep deep deep

In By yourself. Yeah, you got to get your bowels highly. I ain't 800. They don't do nothing for nobody Appetizer in your world No, you weren't I know you you got to get your bowels high bro. I want to fuck out Shit to be scared. That's how high you got to get it's so funny. We were having a conversation before the podcast started about You know about this is it like I guarantee there's a lot of people today walking around With an ice pack on their head going what the fuck happened two nights ago. Yeah, like I went out to get two drinks

I ended up blowing four guys My asshole shut, you know, you don't you don't know what realm you get into, you know and When we spoke today right off the bat, you're like listen dog. I'm trying to keep my life together. I'm a young dude I'm good-looking. I don't want to fade away. So I've been behaving myself Was your main thing alcohol and then you went crazy? Yeah, I mean a lot of us ended up getting key, you know, like I ended up getting into drugs Usually sometimes at night, but drugs without the alcohol or they have alcohol had to soften you up first I think I would just

You know, it's a good question, man. Alcohol was never has never been a thing for me. I never cared about alcohol I just once people started Having cocaine or I just kind of like the smell of it, you know What about meth nothing else up, you know, oh no, nothing like that dude We used to do like uh back in the day some dude came through the neighborhood. I remember with some kind of uh I don't know what lsd suppository some kind of suppositories dude people were doing Yeah, do it was like just do you know putting these like little they were kind of uh, I don't want to say pink They were kind of reddish looking little

Fucking throwing rainbow treats up your ass, you know, it's not manly enough of its pink I mean it was yeah, and people was doing lsd's lsd suppositories This dude had about a I remember he probably had about 400 of them I don't know where he got him from germany or somewhere iceland or something You know and tusk that was like they got him from saturn, you know, we never even heard of that germany You know, we'll fucking do this and people were doing acid, you know, uh, l Whatever it was doing the suppositories. I remember for a while. So I like psychedelics a little bit when I was younger uh

And what else dude and then but out here, I don't know what happened I just had a couple of crazy nights and then uh, I was like, I'm gonna try something different, man So I just decided I'm gonna stop partying So and now I've got about six months. I've been sober since I'm the last time I walked out of here I went over to the improv and did a set high on mushrooms and they were flicking the lights on the stage I still haven't on video man. I'll put it out. I'll put it out for your uh For for your legion. How old are you now 36 man? I'm an adult. It's tough to Uh

Say to yourself, this is it, you know, you have those nights and like we were saying you had a A spectacular night In my world like where I came from. That's a spectacular night. Oh, yeah getting in a cab going for blow Then the the guy hooked you up with a chick. You fucked the chick in the cab. No, he did Oh, he fucked her in the cab. Oh, no, no, this is craziness. Now. What time did this night end? Dude, so what happened with that night was let me revamp it for you So what happened was I went to a party, bro, and I didn't plan on drinking now. You're in new york

I'm in new york city. Yep. I'm in new york city. Yep. I was doing comedy. I had a sublet there I was just kind of experiencing the city we talked once or twice when I was there You know and I was enjoying it man. It was good And then I got went to a party one night and afterwards they and they were drinking at the party and uh And I just felt uncomfortable dude to be honest man. Most of my life. I have felt uncomfortable, bro I don't know what it is. I can a lot of environments. I just feel Uncomfortable out of place out of place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You feel that ever all the time

What do you mean ever? There's like there's more times that I feel In place like that like that's the weird times, but it's like My my girlfriend. I know we're just talking about it because We stayed in on new year's eve. Yeah, but Seeing the shots of time square and seeing the shots of the clubs Maybe I should have done something a little bit more social, but that's that is not I would I would rather I'd rather be in a box than in a club. Yeah, see that that would feel so uncomfortable there Like a new year's eve like club like that's not me at all

We don't see in the club today to show you the pitch You don't see people getting fucking molested in the background and people, you know But at least light a candle or something for you later. You do anything. Oh, well, yeah Well, we he's gonna. Joey's gonna make fun of me. We went away the weekend before we went to Long Beach as funny as it sounds They took a drift to Long Beach. I don't know probably to pick up rent This is amazing. This is just amazing So anyway, bro, I can't even give what it that was it. You took your girl to fucking long. No, she took me. She took me Jesus christ, but then we just decided to come home because it was rain. We

Know what we're gonna sit in someone else's apartment on New Year's Eve down the Long Beach when I have a nicer apartment up here It's it's a horror show I tried And I keep it sounds like the note. I'm losing them by the month. It sounds like the notebook for two people on town syndrome No, no, this was something that when he told me I go what now when he told me I thought they were gonna leave Friday night Go to a hotel like normal americans, right? Yeah, wake up in the morning. They're a little room service gives her a stabbing Yeah, take a walk down come back smoke a joint eat a star Maybe about six take it to a nice fucking restaurant six seven o'clock sitting dog

So you're out of there by 9 30 you take about to the apartment give a straight up Eat three more stars and watch some stupid movie. I thought that's what he was doing America I got a call from him thursday at lunchtime. So yeah, yeah, we're about to leave I go leave where? Long Beach, I almost shot myself in the fucking head I go this kid can't be this stupid and then at that night. I went out to dinner I had to do a set last week and I had two hours to kill

I said tommorow. I don't even make dinner. I'm gonna eat dinner in hollywood. There's no sense of me coming back Yeah, I did a set for penn state So I had two hours to kill so I went to chi-bo That's one of my favorite places a good place. I never even been there. I see it. I don't eat the pizza I don't eat none of that shit. I get the salad is delicious the minute Whatever salad and the big mama spaghetti with no meat Just pasta with sauce and you got cheese

And give you a small serving. It's always been good. I've been eating there for fucking years Wow, and that's what I eat. I go there three times a year though If I'm lucky, I got three times to drive by. I got an hour here. I got no addition I planned it. I go, okay. I got an hour and a half. I might as well go to fucking chi-bo to death and I get excited. Yeah I sit next to a guy. I go to the bar and I see the bartender. He's an old door guy from the improv We start chit-chatting two things down for me as a guy from emison college And right away. I gotta ask him. I had asked him. What do they teach you up there? Because I don't got to remember some college

And I don't know. I'm not sure anymore I go, I hired him because I thought he was sharper than I was but lately he's been slipping. I don't know what the fuck is going on And that was lee that was lee. He went to long beach thursday afternoon For new years now. I could see it like I said Friday after all the traffic is done. Now. Here's the best one Here's the best one out of all of them I call him thursday night or he calls me. We're talking and the conversation and all of a sudden he goes You know, we add b and b

I go, you're not even in a fucking hotel with like a fucking elliptical Then you go to the elliptical you've been home all week with her and now you go down there for two more fucking nights with her To do nothing to look at each other and eat cookies and shit at a stranger's apartment and watch really bad tv in a stranger's apartment This was something that I was like squatters, bro. I don't know What we hit like you're fucking squatters when he called me saturday and told me he was coming back I wanted to tell him just gps the car through the ocean To the Santa Monica pier and take the car right off the fucking pier Because it ain't getting no better in your life. He went away to long beach and every morning when I woke up since that

Today there was a burglary in long beach where the guy shot the burglar. He shot the burglary every day I woke up and that that morning I all I was waiting for you were praying for it to me like leaves No, like to see lee fucking shot in the head like lee got hit by a car coming with a box of wings They got poor girl for another thing. I don't know what happened. They got in stop for the red light The saddest part is is who the fuck goes to long beach? I don't know. Okay leaves to treat himself to a nice night at chibo at the bar And now a few years later. He's finally got a girl. That wasn't me. That was he was at chibo that night He was thinking about me. I was some emerson. I had to ask him. What do they teach you there?

They teach you anything or what the fuck do you have to eat there? I'll be honest. Okay. This was a We we don't have we couldn't fly anywhere. We didn't have enough time. So this is what she chose But we had we actually had a good time the a fucking aquarium in queen maria are fucking awesome when your stone is fucked But this is what I will I did one talk to you guys about Do you see how I deal with the air being the aquarium is You're it feels like squat like it was the weirdest Experience of my life. Don't you touch any animals? I get the pet and zoo in here Uh, yeah, I've got the aquarium. Yeah, but at the I thought I thought you were talking about the apartment for a second

I'm not at the air bmb, dude. You fucking like that another roommates like there's roaches in the apartment massage another roommates No, thank god. There weren't roommates This guy imagine if there was a roommate he takes his lady out No, no, it was a horror show. Yeah, I live I live in a fucking world between him and my wife. I'm not gonna make it to 56 I'm not gonna make it the fact. I just got four weeks in that house with my wife. Wow. It's a torture chamber It's a fucking house of horrors I love it with all my heart. It's a torture chamber. That's the worst part like what's the worst part?

Oh Honestly, it being 9 30 in the morning at night. Mm-hmm and just sitting there not having a spot because I don't want to be at the store every night, bro. Yeah, you know, I don't want to be that guy It don't need to be at the store every night. There's young guys coming up I know how I felt when I was coming up and I had shit to do and there's some old guy that's coming down I'm good enough two spots a week. I'm good this week. I'm doing Thursday Turn them up Tom tomorrow and I'll do flappers if I get out gg2 at early Wednesday I'll pop into someplace, but you know, I got a gig Friday. I'm fucking good. I'm not working on nothing

I'm just putting a couple bits together finding my new fucking voice. You know, yeah It's like When you travel it breaks them a knot in the up a little bit Oh, yeah And it was I was home for four fucking weeks and it was the holidays and one of those weeks the baby was home That's tough babies off of school all week one week vacation And it rained three of those days, you know what I am so She wanted to ride the bicycle

That's like a triple threat of so do parents hate the truth of the matter is the truth of the matter is that my I'm a dud I've always been a dud. You know li Says that he feels uncomfortable up. I'll tell you what I where I feel comfortable I feel comfortable in a bar where the bartender's A good-looking woman in 1924. Yeah, she still has tits. She wears push-up bras She's got freckles on a tits. She's got a sense of humor The bar seats 20. She serves some fucking food in there. That's kick ass

There's a jukebox. There's music. You know what at this age? I don't want a fucking pool table. Yeah, and I don't want a dark Board I don't want a lot of movement. I never like movement. Yeah Sit down have a fucking being talk to me if you want to do this If you're gonna be moving around go somewhere else. Yeah pooled and arguments and I can't walk this guy's throwing a fucking dart at me You know, I I just want to be you know, I ain't like that's what I want to do That's my ideal bar and to be strictly honest with you since the age of 16 That was always my ideal bar Once we started going out to those discos

I've said it once I've said it before my wife asked me on the right home the other day from dinner We were listening to studio 54 on Sirius XM and she goes so used to go disco dancing. Are you crazy? I was a kid when that shit came out Yeah, I go when I was in high school I could put a hand full of times. I went to clubs with the studio, but I went to studio in 84 There was nothing going on in the studio no more. It was a Thursday night 84. Yeah, I was going to club area like twice I went to like the rooftop four five six But I was never a club guy, bro. Look at me. I knew who the fuck I was

I belong to the neighborhood bar with a bartender named Lila Yeah, she had a dog behind the bar the dog slept the whole fucking time Then that's the bar I grew up in Joe and Mary's They had a little circular biscuit thing like a dainty like a bakery thing in the middle and they would have a cover And in the middle there was ham and cheese sandwiches. That's beautiful So if you want a sandwich you just went over and got it. They had stewed sandwiches and next to it was a Not don't cook tonight called chicken delight. It was a chicken fill not Chick-fil-A This is when chicken was chicken

And one of the kids we hung with was the fucking cook So at the end of the shift he'd come over to the bar with a box of chicken from the left over chicken Beautiful fucking night. It was and you had a tab And the guy that ran the place was a loan sharks If you fucking need to buy an eight ball you could borrow 300 from on the spot. I sold all 8 000 for 1980 fucking two You know, I never I never The first time I went to vegas dog. I knew it wasn't for me. Yeah I just always felt very insecure in those places always still do

Yeah, that's how I felt still do and I always had an excuse in my head on why I felt insecure When I was younger it was that I wasn't good looking enough and I'm a criminal these people are all nice people He's in the environment. I want to hang with and these people don't want to hang with me. Yeah Then when I got to a certain age it was I was too old And then then now I'm like I just feel like I played out fucking pervert. Yeah, like I'm gonna be in 25 and seen like 50 year old guys Thinking why is this fucking guy here? This dude's a pervert. Lee Is a sweetheart. I've seen li at a bar now

I could tell he's a gentleman. Lee wants to go to a bar and watch a football game and have a bucket of wings And he wants to yell maybe a little bit. He doesn't want nobody close to him yelling. He doesn't want nobody Leo paid three dollars extra Just to you know, I am yeah, this is in the white section. We wouldn't do good in studio 54 What's he gonna do have one drink people that try to talk to him? I never liked going to a place where the music was loud That's where you lose uncle joey. Yeah, if I can't talk to you the way we're talking now. I don't want to be I'm lost. You know, yeah, see that's the same as for me, man, but I would for some reason I kept making excuses that made me like Less than you know, so like oh, it's my fault that I don't fit in here instead of just being like, oh, this isn't my environment

You know, now why didn't you feel it was your your environment? I just felt like you said older. No, I felt like You know, like these people were rich or these people were better than me or these people you know, I'm you know, I'm kind of a A bit of a miscreant, you know I grew up on the other side of the tracks and these people but they don't know it Like that's the thing I always thought because of my my whole thing comes from like I've always been chubby and short

Short you're like a tall in shape good-looking dude. I'd look at you and I think There's nothing wrong in his life at all. Like there's no way he's self-conscious about anything well That's what goes wrong man. I look at you and I think this guy's fucking what environment not at all What environment do you feel comfortable in? Just a more real environment a more just calm Just 10 people 50 people 100 people Yeah, as long as yeah, I can I can feel okay in 10 50 when it gets to be a little more than that

It's sometimes there's just too much but when the music's loud and I can't communicate with people Then that's where I start to feel uncomfortable. That's my end. That's my fun I kept going back. I kept thinking there was something wrong with me that the environment was okay But it wasn't man and that's what happened that night. I went to this club And uh, they had a party for my friend's fashion line And then I got in this taxi after this girl gets in with me I left early because I was going to be on opium gym norton this one opium gym were still together And uh, this beautiful girl gets in the taxi with me this asian girl

And she just started talking about the night she said that she had fun at the party But that her boyfriend wasn't in town Then she goes her boyfriend's never in town Then she's like what happens in taxis stays in taxis, right? That's what she said So i'm thinking Fuck yeah, you know like She wants me to make a move on her so I make a move shut me down And I don't know if that's what made me feel weird after that or whatever

But the taxi dropped her off after that And uh, and then it was just me and the driver bro and this dude spoke another language, you know something Fucking fancy, you know something like a play soccer, you know like this Like this dude was betting on fucking foreign soccer games on his phone for sure, you know And uh, he said I thought he said drugs dude, and I just said cocaine. That's what I said And next you know we're in north Harlem He bought some cocaine for us He comes back in the car. We're doing cocaine

And then he's like I got a gift for you. I got a gift, you know, and I thought it was gonna be You know, I grew up in like a troubled area. I thought it was gonna be his dick, you know, like I'm you know, that's what I was expecting anyway, and uh And then a hook a prostitute knocks on the door, you know This lady gets in and I think it was a man honestly in hindsight. She had these big sunglasses on Kind of a man's face that was under the sunglasses. You have cocktails in you at this point He had a couple tequila's dude and uh, so now we're partying bro me him and me and the driver were first partying for about an hour Dude, I got so high. I remember thinking where is the driver? That's how fucking I was

And he was sitting next to me doing cocaine Yeah, at what point does this become not a taxicab run like when does the meter get turned off like the meter's going bro The meter's at about 270 bro. No, so he's gotta fucking be positive because I'm paying for this experience, bro So then dude this hooker gets in She had kind of long hair huge sunglasses covered about 60 of her face And the 40 percent of her face you you could see to me look like a man's face, right? Like I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. I'm just like if I were on a game show And it was like guess 40 percent of this person's face. I would have guessed man first, right?

You know what I'm saying like look at the face, you know All right, it looked like a woman had just shaved recently. That's what it looked like, you know So anyway, we're all do we're all we're all getting high together and the hooker starts making advances towards me, bro sounds ridiculous And I got out of the car man, I felt uncomfortable, dude Do you like slack off? You understand in my world? I'm thinking You're a Louisiana boy In fucking Harlem

No, shit. Do you feel out of place? I feel out of place there, but no, I always felt comfortable north Harlem. Yeah Right that's I know that neighborhood where you're at. You know what I'm saying? You're not in the Bronx yet Right, you're not in the Bronx. Yeah, I don't know where we're at. Oh, yeah, it doesn't matter you Was it dark? It was a dark dark. That's all that matters. Yeah, you only having a good time if you got the dark name I was raising when I know when oh my god, you know, I know when I'm back now. What time is all this going down? It's about 3 30 All right, so what time look so you walk out of the cab. Where are you now? You getting another cab? No, I'm in the street luigi comes out after me. That's the dude. I was partying with the driver And dude, you know, what's crazy is he had even one of the lights on the taxi wouldn't go off

And he made like this little paper mache thing and put it over the light, bro like this dude was I mean, I don't think he was homosexual But this dude was about the most romantic fucking cab driver I've ever spent time with dude And dude, it was more romantic in that taxi than it was at your fucking Airbnb, but that's the saddest part So dude, I get out he comes out after me He made me give him a hundred bucks, right? And I gave him the hundred because I was a little scared at this point

And I'm thinking he's gonna pay the hooker and she'll go But then I look back over there a couple minutes later a minute later Um And they're kissing on each other's necks. He's spending my hundred with this hooker dude. He fucking just got this hundred Wait, so your taxi driver bullied you into buying him a hooker. No, he owed him money anyway But right away, he took the money Luigi took the money and said hold on five minutes Let me go get $20 worth all this hooker. He took that money and reinvested it in the neighborhood And look, I respect hookers man, like, you know, I've been through some tough nights, man

Not in fucking north Harlem, man. I don't give a fuck Well, here's I respect women that are out there if they got to be out there selling their bottles I don't have nothing against that. I know you don't but in north Harlem. You ain't getting into nothing good You understand me you keep saying north Harlem other Harlem. I don't know. I don't know Listen, all I know is I used to go to Harlem to buy coke and I'd see women out there And dawg, let me tell you something. It's an illusion. Yeah, it's an illusion First of all four out of ten of them got bigger dicks than you Four out of ten of those chicks. We don't like those days

It was you gotta remember up in Harlem in those days the Bronx It was Open fucking corral and then the 90s the russians came. Oh, yeah, and I never saw it But I had friends tell me you go to queens and there'd be six foot russian blondes with leopard miniskirts That you'd give them 300 just to eat their assholes. They were that loud hot banging Bangin like they took over so all the other ones the crack holes disappeared. Yeah, all that, you know But it knows that even when I was when I got in trouble with my buddy, you know, dodger and we were going over there those hookers Yeah, those city radicals in those days

You had a that that takes a certain nerve. Yeah, a lot of them work at the papas during the daytime No, they don't work. They they're at the clinic in the daytime getting blood transfusions So we used to have this lady victoria miss victoria in our neighborhood, bro. You could pull up, bro You could eat her ass for like 40 bucks, right? She'd sit in your car window, dude Just basically put her ass in your fucking car window Like a fucking to-go box, you know You could if you had somebody driving you could even have them drive the block And she would just sit in there like a little side item, bro

But so this dude get louise. I give him the hundred he gets back in the car They're making out i'm kind of pissed, dude, but I don't want to bring that negative energy back into the car Right, so I deal with my feelings out in the street for a minute kind of process through that Why don't you want to bring negative feelings back into the car just because I'm already I'm really extremely high man I'm one of the influence of cocaine It's almost 4 a.m And I don't know these people that well and I still need to get home and for some reason at this point I feel like luigi is responsible to get me home, right?

So I get back in the front seat, right and they're hooking up in the back a little blowjob like it's getting really it's getting wild, you know Uh, and I want to still do cocaine, you know some but I don't want to interrupt them dude, so I remember trying to quietly do cocaine in the front seat just like Like like Like the softest little inhale you could do I was definitely listening hard, you know Did you stink? I mean uh, no

All you smells like calona like when you walk in the middle of them all you smells like fucking heavy-duty perfume Covered up trying to remember she smelled like violence to me in tattoo. She was this tough lady or man I mean, I thought she was a man the face of like a man's face to me, but she had big sunglasses on She could have been one of those taller vietnamese people that kind of look black at night, you know Uh So we're in there and uh now i'm in the car and i'm trying to quietly do cocaine dude like just like a fucking just like a Like just doing it in like an install. It's like I had a bump on the way away

They're back there fucking why can't you just because there's something wrong with me where I sacrificed other people like I just feel like I got to be considered at all times. I don't want to interrupt them, dude I guess I don't know man. I was fucked up, bro So they're partying at one point I remember even turning my head back and just dumping cocaine quietly into the top of my nose Just like just as quiet as I could be And a cop goes by dude cop goes by I get scared

I tell luigi i'm scared, bro. He don't he don't give a fuck dude This one I realized like he didn't care about me as much as I cared about him I guess and he's like you drive you drive and that's when I got in the driver's seat and I drove man. I drove us I drove us about a mile and a half dude. I don't even know where I was dude and uh And then I pulled over because a voice in my head, bro First a voice in my head is like dude at least you're it was like you're out here, bro. You're high You know you're doing cocaine But at least you're making money, you know

Like I was working like I was the cab driver And that's when like dude my brain's fucked up like this ain't my cab You know I gotta pay for this And then my brain was like you don't have a commercial driver's license And that's what got me to pull over dude that technicality that if a cop stopped me that I wouldn't have one And I pulled over I got another taxi got back to my hotel room finished doing my cocaine And I had to be on opium jim norton that morning

And it's 5 30 now dude. I took three showers bro in 10 minutes, right? I have one question Yeah, did you pay luigi or did you just kind of get out and just get into another camp? We ended up in a little bit of an argument at the end. I left $100 on the car seat And yelled adios at him really loud, bro. I don't even know if he spoke spanish I'm just screaming adios I'm in this fucking hooker who had the smallest hits I've ever seen bro. Look like a man's chest But uh Then I go to opium jim dude and the other guest for the day is daryl strawberry

And I could not even feel my face dude. I couldn't even think Uh And that's when I was like this is bad. Look, you know, I couldn't even talk they were asking me questions, dude I'm just I couldn't even But I couldn't feel my face. I could all my thoughts was coming out of my neck Like I was running on on neck thoughts, dude. I'm fucking thinking with my neck, bro So I fucking

sat there for three hours, bro Just roasting now. I know how you feel kind of late I just sat there this Just boiling in my own fucking drug induced bullshit And then I fucking left, bro And I I'm halfway there halfway on the walk over there. I realized I had on fucking sweatpants with jeans over them, bro horrible

That's like a catheter outfit like if you may be getting a catheter and you might have to stay overnight ah The other one i'm sitting here because i'm like, you know Just people like lee that he's a sweetheart I wish that god lee never does a drug He would never do a drug But for some people some experiences like that experience. Yeah To wake up and on opi because you basically woke up on opi and jimmy and you're coming down off the juice

You're not paranoid, but you can't talk either. You're in that all scare. Yeah, you're in that stage you're fucking Why the fuck am I even here? It's horrible. I'm sitting here going. I remember doing that 10 000 times Not not, you know being in a cab with a hooker, but I when you said Harlem When I was growing up I had a friend and he had a girlfriend. He was about Seven years old and me's dead now. I got rest or so But he had a girlfriend dog who was fucking banging wow and I saw her naked once when I was like 18 That shit stayed with me. Oh that was jerk off material for like six months. Hmm. I go ahead. I disappear. I do my thing I go to colorado. I do a little time

I'm back in jersey in 90 fucking three And I reconnect with a friend of mine And he goes what are you doing tonight? I got nothing. What do you want to do? He goes, let's go. Let's go out Meet me a t-neck at this. I forget the name of the place. It's a popular place For that age group, you know, and I went there met him about seven. Yeah t-neck tenaflight. It's a t-neck t-neck It's uh Artist cafe something like that. Mm-hmm something like very chic So a lot of kids from my neighborhood thought you know as they got older they went there

For a few drinks. I was at this time. I'm 31 years old I'm doing comedy. I'm doing comedy already Uh, I'm not getting nowhere with it. You know what I'm saying? I'm not knocking on no doors and shit But I'm doing fucking comedy And I hook up with them at the time. I'm a fucking fiend, you know, it's 35 a gram On 178th street 25 if you want to clean, you know what I'm saying? I go and they get three right off the bat jack Bam this shit was glass

On aluminum foil and they give you a blast when you walked in. That's beautiful. They sat you down. They go What do you want to do and you go? I don't know. Let me take the 35 and I'm what do you want to do? You want to take the 20th and I you go there and then you just they walk you out to the door And you'd walk back to your car and the cops were paid for and you It puts your back out on uh, not amsterdam, but one of those streets under the bridge Yeah, and then rule number one you took the Lincoln tunnel back Go into get a fucking hot dog roll a joint These idiots that would get back on the George Washington bridge. They had spotters, right?

They just seen you go over they'd pull you over now. They confiscate your fucking car You have to give it to them because if nothing I bring the dog and they're gonna get you anyway, right? So don't fuck with them. You know what I'm saying? It was hardcore. Damn So I went over there first that was my that was my automatic first stop of the night And I had it down to a science in those days. Sometimes I'd walk over and take the bus back Same difference What we gonna say you be high on that bus though, huh? No, I wouldn't do it. Oh, you wait you get home No, I do that little blast that he'd give me and by the time I got to the bus I'd be coming down like a little bit like

But how see what was saying that he felt uncomfortable there his first time Do you remember how you felt the first couple times you went there before you it became old hat? Like were you freaked out or were you was it already at that point? Since my mom had a dry cleaner in the Bronx probably in your system Yes, and my mom had a bar in union city and my mom had a bar in Harlem at a young age It's in my system. Yeah, I had a friend of mine take me over once to the city and when I got back on the car He goes, it's amazing how you blended right in He goes, you knew the walk. I knew those first

You know those first 10 years of my life. I lived in new york city those first seven years of my life in this country I lived in new york city. I went to school in the heart of new york city Yeah, I went to school on 89th street ps 166 From k1 to fucking third grade then I went to captain school in jersey But all that time I got the patois of the city. Yeah, my mom's action was on 125th My santeria action was on 148th. I knew the fucking city You understand me then I got older and I knew george washington bridge I knew the fucking streets my stepdad shot a dude on 148th street right there the santeria party

I knew the escape route. I knew a way to drop the gun and riverside drive I knew that situation so I get the coke I go back to jersey. I meet him and in those days dog I I'm not a big drinker, but I'm the type of guy. See I'll call you up and go. What are you doing tonight? Theo no, let's go get a drink now the way that you go joey. I got an audition tomorrow dog Don't even start your shit tonight teo. Come on, bro. I wouldn't invite you for a drink. I got a joint in my pocket

We go we have one drink. We have two drinks. We have three drinks Austin that chick used to fuck shows up And with her friend that sucked my dick in the bathroom that time it'll come by right? It's 9 30. It's early Theo let's get a taste. No, bro. I got that big audition at abc Fuck you give teo 10 more minutes I'll get the chick to buy him another fucking double kamikaze. Then he'll be begging me for a blast and that's

Right there that would break me down. Yeah, I went out with the intention and you know, I got a good like I'm pretty good When I tell you listen, we got to do shit tomorrow. I'm pretty good about it Towards the end. I wasn't good at all. I would snort it out before a fucking audition and I got thrown out of an audition at fox One time towards the end Towards 2006 dog after the longest ride. I got a little fucking weird. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah and one day

I get this audition directly from fox like they're like we want you to read for this row. Yeah You know, it's been done before the crazy roommate owes the bookie money Right, you know his mom supports him. He can't get a job hasn't shaved and they were looking for arty lang Yeah, all right And I'll never forget my fucking coked up Ready to quit mind. I said, you know what they're looking for this guy I might as well go in there like this guy So I did something I never did a day before I stopped shaving. Oh, I thought you glued hair to your face

What do you think I'm fucking there for fucking mook? No, dude We used to glue hair to our face to make beards pubic hair too during halloween Stop Some of it was gray, you know, I didn't put gel in my hair Water in my hair and I fucking went in there like, um Like two hours after doing coke and I went in front of the camera was the cast and director me and the camera, bro And after the first reach she goes stop She goes, I think you better go home

I'm gonna make believe this never happened. Really? Yeah, she knew you were high. Yeah, how did she know? She must have been grabbed up occasionally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I could tell but it was very disrespectful She never said a word. Wow. She never called The agent at the time and said hey, this kid was fucked up I hit on I hit on an asian lady recently It was casting a casting director and she tore a manager on me Really? Yeah, I get back home and he's like she said you did a pretty good job But she said he was hitting on her the whole time. What's casting it? I don't even remember. It's beautiful though, too

Down down on the south side. I don't know on the west side. Uh, no, this was in uh, out here in burbank somewhere Okay, there used to be an asian girl in office here That was something out of a fucking movie. Yeah, she used to cast On the west side Her and her partner used to have a cat and the partner was no fucking slouch either. Yeah I walked in there when that was like Jesus fucking Christ. What's going on with these casting directors? Yeah I don't know where she is now, but it's probably the same one. This girl was stunning. I I didn't mean to hit on I was just being a natural man, you know, like I can't help it. Like, oh, what's offensive and I wasn't saying anything like, you know

Touching my crotch or anything like that, you know, I was probably just saying oh, you look nice today or something like that You know, like I can't help it. If I got a little fervor in my voice for a woman, you know That's like that's a sin out here these days, you know, oh, you want to bust a nut on a lady? You're a fucking, you know, you're a deviant, you know, you're you're charles manson if you want to do that You know charles manson studies Scientologists. He still studies Scientologists. How crazy is that shit? He's a little pussy, dude I'll beat that dude's ass That's where they got you let that dude out for one minute in a fucking used car lot. I'll beat that motherfucking dudes Yes, bro

He's a pussy dude, he made other people he made hot chicks go out and kill people. I mean, it's kind of romantic and shit, but At the same time he's a pussy. Let me tell you something as a child. I read that book and that book fucked me up Did it really? I was about 13 After I got left back it really fucked with me Because I wasn't left back material. I had just gotten caught up in some fucking fantasy world. Yeah But that teacher mr. King well who was a fucking prick. He left you back Yeah, he left me back. No, I left myself back. I had summer school

But I went to summer school. I did the same fucking if you have three misses in summer school You're done. You're done. I fucking miss three of classes over this chick because that's the only time I get together with Mr. First three jimmy mr. First three I was in love dog I didn't give a fuck about that young love will get you and I thought that my dog was going to just say pass him to this Eighth grade. No, they held me back It was fucking brutal. It fucked with me. It fucked with everything I had so Mr. King law is part of uh, every month you had to do a book report for him The only problem was was an oral book report. Uh, so he would take the book and dissect it

At that time man, I was so pissed off at myself. Yeah, he was still my english teacher Even though I got put in mr. Barone's class Who mr. Barone? I took him to the premiere Of the of the grudge match. Wow. That's how tight I am with barone. That's beautiful. No, no, no barone was tight But here's the beauty of it Me and barone hailed each other in the seventh grade like he kept telling me in the hallways You better not get up back because you're gonna get me next year. It's gonna be all over and so that fucking uh

Last day of school If you have to go to the eighth grade you go to the eighth grade you have to go to summer school They just put you in the other seventh grade class So the whole fucking eight hours barone kept busting my balls It's gonna be fun. You're sitting here all next year. I'm gonna fail you again You're gonna be in the seventh grade till you're 90 Because you're gonna be driving the other kids to school and He would torment me

So he tormented me dog for like four or five hours And on the way out of the classroom. I saw his keys were on the desk I took his fucking car keys And I walked home and I threw him in the fucking weed somewhere some shit And about an hour later he pulls up my house with a cab. Where's my fucking keys? And we didn't talk again and the next day I got I got left back And I was in his classroom We never mentioned that ever again. That's pretty cool of him

And after about two months we became tight because I realized he was a good basketball player and shit So How the fuck why did we end up talking about this shit? We had this dude mr. Larry we had this black kid in our school mr. Larry got held back So long they just made him a janitor one time in middle school He was there probably I remember him being like he could piss his trick was he coming while you were peeing at the urinal He'd piss over you in at a urinal And uh, and finally he was in fifth grade for so long. They just made him a janitor

I mean, he's probably still if that school's still open. He's probably still there He might only be the fifth grade. They pull you so listen We've been talking here. The staff has been talking. It's not gonna work out for you, but Lucky for you. We have an opening and the janitorial services department. What does that mean? Listen, we'll give you a dollar for every dollar. We'll match it so you can join the army when you're third I just love that that probably means you at least 16 or something so that was what like seven times going through the fifth grade Tell you something when I was a kid if you were stupid really handsome too Listen, when I was a kid if you were stupid, they pulled you aside when you were 16. Yeah, the teachers of school pulled you aside

Let go listen. Oh my god, you're wasting your time in here when you get the high school just sign out The job is a mechanic. I swear to god teachers were honest in the 70s Well, that's a better way now that they want everybody to push forward Did I remember the first wigger went to our school? I told you guys that before The first wigger this kid brian st. Pierre went to our school And he uh, they'd never seen it before you know, and they thought he was mentally handicapped They put him in they made him eat the third lunch, you know the third lunch a special lunch where those kids are in there You know, they make some of their own food and then they eat it

You know to make them have a talent and uh He was in there do this wigger so you'd have like, you know, you have like kids who were really had mental illnesses and You know everything all the ds and everything and then you'd have fucking brian st. Pierre wearing a charlotte horn its pullover dribbling an invisible basketball all day, bro Just posting up mental kids In the lunch line, bro. They'd never seen it. They thought he was mentally handicapped just because he wanted to you know, play with the brothers So different times they had him cook lunch every day still like he didn't say anything once a week

They'd have a make some of their own recipes for lunch, you know, it's kind of it's cool I mean, we had a good we had a good group of handicapped kids at our school. I remember i'm fucked up dog Those stars hit me hard. That's what happens. You know why they hit me hard because I trained last week I didn't eat stars last week at least sprayed out of his face out of the gate boy this week at all I sprayed it, but i'm still i'm still i'm still here, bro. You kept eating stars and shit. Fuck them brown I had transmission for that everything. You know you didn't you what you threw the chocolate away This is why i have to do everything on periscope. Well, thank god for periscope at least fearless man I'll see how you do it li I really don't he's really not good choice anymore

He does like a little bit He goes like this in front of the camera because i'm gonna eat some chocolate He takes a bit like that he's choosing than this this 80 milligram whatever he throws this away And he tells people he ate it and tonight he ate the whole thing And it was coming to his fucking fingers. You should have seen him. He was gilling out, huh? You know when you were telling your story, bro the thing that Uh, I was thinking about the most with it the 200 of those stories that I had that I wish I had the time

I wish I had the fucking time to And I got 10 that rolled around in my head sometimes and one of them would pop up In the middle of the night before i'm about to fall asleep and my whole body shatters, bro Those are those type of stories Especially when it comes to drugs. Yeah Especially when it comes to fucking drugs And you the next morning you wake up and you're like that's fucked up. I gotta get my life together I gotta call somebody you shit

But you know 10 days later it happens again and You know, and sometimes it's it's sex or sometimes it's it's crazy sex You go to a girl's house one has a sister and a stepfather in the room Yeah, and everybody's banging and you're like, what the fuck am I a part of you know? I just wanted to watch the fucking nick game. Is that real scenario? Lee You would be fucking surprised what you bump out into when you're out there. Yeah Especially when I started to do comedy you'd be surprised

What I'd bump into and I had you one night talking my my body was shaking. Yeah, my body was shaking telling me just triple tours just bolder just you know That I thought life was a certain way when I lived in New Jersey. Oh, yeah, I remember boy was I fucking wrong I remember trying to fuck this girl on roller skates one time. You ever try to do that, dude? No at halloween Unbelievable bro, but that was drug induced I remember never been arrested Uh, dude, I got arrested in mississippi one time. We're all high at some house

And they brought a kid the cops show up and they brought a kid from downstairs, right? And they said this kid is here. Everybody's going in for contributing delinquency of a minor um And then you could but once you got outside kids were paying and getting out of the thing They put us in the let like the slave shackles, you know the things they put between two legs, you know And then hook you to the person in front of you uh What does that shit do and they would have walked downstairs

So who's the dumbest thing ever, bro? It must have taken us 40 minutes to get downstairs in these fucking leg shackles with these two stupid cops But they brought this kid down and then later there was a rumor that they were this was this kid This was a stage kid. They were high. They were paying somebody's kid to fucking They would sneak him in the back and put him in people's houses and come down in pajamas and then Making money because they're busting everybody in the house because now they got a charge on everybody contributing um What else did I go in before

Nothing nothing real serious, man. No god bless you man. Listen But that was the thing I just wanted to get I just yeah part of me was like six you got a fucking career You're on the upswing right now You know what you fucked around you got your dick sucked I'm not telling you to go get married But it's time to start watching your back because this is when you're a good looking guy Shows are getting developed and written. You could be the number two dude Pick up a check five years. No drama. You know, you already did it. Yeah, I've had so much fun, bro

You know once you get everything out of the way This place becomes a complete different animal. Yeah, you know and and listen Lindsay Lohan survived it Uh, the fucking Hilton kid survived it Some people don't yeah, some people don't man. I told you when I walked in here I'm not I'm I'm happy about the podcast. I'm happy I get to see Lee And we get high and we talk shit And he makes the living and I make a living and we sell tickets and you know guys like you come on here

and people get to hear you I like doing stand-up. I don't think I could do this shit if I was doing blow. Yeah There's no fucking way This this podcast would have been done with a fellow part Lee would have been to Lee wouldn't he would have been talking to me No more at this point Lee would have gone he left me there four fucking days in a row, you know, who's gonna come out of the house Yeah, yeah, now is the thing I was just like I just don't I need to take a if this is where I'm kind of ending up Once in a while even once in a while

I just want to get so nothing happened after the cab ride after that that shook you enough Oh, well what seeing Daryl strawberries was shook me the next day because he was 13 years sober and he was like I mean this dude was eloquent. He had his life put together. He's a multimillionaire now And then he was pushing the the documentary 30 for 30 the new one with doc gooden But that gooden wouldn't show up. Gooden couldn't show up because he's all fucked up. Yeah, he's all fucked up And I know my life isn't there lives, but it made me think Okay, you just got to monitor what's going on because I just yeah, I don't like to I didn't like to party I just like to put myself in a crazy situation. Fuck. Yeah, me too. You know, I was that's what I was thinking about the whole time

You're saying that I go. Yeah, I don't miss the drugs. I miss the six o'clock on a diner or Waking up and some girl gives you howdy to drive home. You're like, what the fuck just happened last night Yeah, dude, I was in Louisville one time I came out of a show They had a big group in a limousine. They invited me to go to an after party with them, right? I was like, I'm only coming if my boy can come in like who's your boy And I'm like Le Cedric. They had a brother nearby right wearing this Louis Vuitton jacket, dude Probably about 60% homeless, right? And they're like, that's your boy and I didn't even talk to this dude, right? I was like, yeah, that's my boy

And like, all right, he can come so I fucking walk over him looking right in the eyes And I was like, what's up, man? I'm Theo. He's like Le Cedric And uh, I was like, all right, dude, I told these people you're my friend. You ever been in a limousine? He's like, nah, I was like, all right, come get him with us. Just act like you're my friend, right? We're going to a party. He's like, all right, man So we go in the limo, bro. We're in there hot chicks, dudes people fucking Le Cedric kept saying we're friends That's what he kept saying out loud, right? Not the best actor, bro

What did we get to this house party? It's a nice cool fucking party, bro I'm downstairs. I'm in the kitchen. Somebody's making us a drink. I'm talking to somebody Fucking six minutes later right here fucking somebody scream. I hear a window break, right? Somebody comes running down. They said some dude just stole like four purses Out of the coat room upstairs and fucking jumped out a window That would have been me, dog And that was fucking Le Cedric, bro And that was like but and everybody there was like crying and pissed

And some girl was like furious because all her tampons were in there or something. I remember she got pissed. She was a tough girl She was like one of those, uh, what are those people that slide the thing on the ice? She said curlers curl She was a curler But I was in my head. I was like, this is the best fucking night ever No, that's uh, so just shit like that where I just love to put Life just in precarious situations, man. Did you black out at that? You're never gonna run into another house party ever? Oh, I blacked out one time here in hollywood and that scared me. I woke up in my own bed had no claw got there I'd wet the bed. I mean, I wet the bed. I was about 30. Anyway, so did you too?

Not filter until I was like a teenager. Oh, that's nothing, bro and uh And and that was a pretty crazy night. Hold on one second. You went to bed. See you were 13 Ah, I don't know. Be honest around there. I would guess. Yeah, I gotta watch you like oh, damn Those people always awesome is It might have been a little bit. Maybe not 13 but close maybe 10 at least Well, 10 ain't far from 13 if you're talking at least Probably

No, but yeah, I know I had a huge issue with it. It was terrible Dude, I used to I used to have those buzzer underwear, bro They put these underwear on you and when the urine would hit them a buzzer would go off, right? Oh my god I'm not joking. Look them up online. This ain't no joke, bro So I went to my grandparents. My mother didn't tell them that I had these, right? I'm really hoping these are real thing and not just a like a torture device your parents put on We got it all they made by themselves. This doctor gave it to us, dude. This dude was a bonafide google This dude was a bonafide doctor

So we went there. I got the electric pants on dude, you know I'm getting my rest probably a buzzer underwear for urinators. I was google buzzer underwear for urinators. Um, and uh, so then But they didn't tell my grandfather, right? So he fucking had a small house, bro, a little bitty house So my fucking crotch is just butt like he he wakes up middle of the night, dude Oh I'm not on fire, but I'm buzzing on bro Because I'd had apple juice, man, and I pissed big on apple juice, dude

I'll fucking spray out on the aj So I'm in there just buzzing dude. I didn't know and he came in. They still got him. Yeah, give me a pill He didn't know what was going on. Oh my god, I'm that's what he comes in. He's scared, bro How loud is it? How loud is and a little bitty house you could you could hear from down the hall wake my wife up in the Like twice a week I would just do two drops and you and it goes off and uh And so my grandfather's in there, right?

And he's all scared and shit and uh, oh this would have been terrible when I was a kid And he's pushing me with a broomstick dude. He thought I was dead dude. He didn't know what had happened And we thought I was possessed or dead He's pushing me with a broomstick to wake me up and he was worried because he had one of those heart makers And uh, he was worried he would get electrocuted He thought something was happening. He thought the house had short circuited it or the or the phone company had fucked up That's what he thought the phone company had fucked up So he thinks I'm fucking just laying there buzzing like

It's a fucking mystery But he died man. My grandfather ended up He died I love people I love laughing I love laughing and shit like this that's you can't write this I forgot about that I did it man This has been the bad man I appreciate you having me on because I've been I was sick the past two days man. What was wrong with you Oh, man, I had adult diarrhea brought to be honest. What happens those fucking flights

You're eating fucking Katrina left over still. Yeah, I still got some guys got in stock Oh, they're serving fucking crippled pig pussy down there, bro. And I was eating it by the handful Fucking around down there jack Oh, oh my god, I'm high on those stars because like I said I ate fucking transmission fluid and a couple of these moon things The night I killed the cookies was the night I ate the transmission fluid and the moon thing That was home all night with my oh my god. I fucking killed those cookies. I want some cookies, man Dude, I ate half of a pot cookie one time. I never had one. There's a couple years ago

I invited this casting director right out to a comedy show So she comes but the comedy show was the next night. I had the nights wrong So I felt bad and she was cute and I was like, well at least I'll get her dinner because she came all this way I didn't want to be like, uh, you know, just like you say like a mook, you know So by this lady dinner we're sitting there eating dinner. She gave me a pot cookie And I got high man. I never had one and I didn't know how we knew each other And it was like a nice restaurant and I started thinking that this was like my girlfriend, you know, I was like, fuck, dude I'm the work and uh, I tried to make a move on about a cab stand, dude

And she's like, what the fuck are you doing? You know and uh, she wasn't my girlfriend, man and uh anyway That was it That was it, dude, but uh, yeah. Yeah, it's stuff dangerously I think it's what i'm getting at here I thought it was a buzzer like a like a vibrating. No, it's like a like a it makes it

I still can't get over you got the car drove an hour and a half to go to the apartment Dude, yeah airbnb is not for anyone. That's when you told me that way. Yeah I was like, I can't This is a horror show. This is so what happened. What are you mad at airbnb for? Yeah, you should host a romantic getaway I'm not mad at airbnb. It's just it's a weird It was just weird. It was just this person's apartment

And like her stuff was there And it was just her bed. Like I was like, we should bring sheets I was just it was just not you brought your own sheets. I wanted to but we didn't She's like, no, this is what they do. They make money doing this This is all they have at the It's an industry. Well, I don't know but it's an industry. Yeah, I don't I don't like I like hotels. So from now I just said from now on we'll do hotels Yeah, man splurge man throw the extra nine dollars out there and get a fucking

He's young. He knows all the sides. No, I've been to hotels. He knows enough for mingle. He'll get it He'll get 90% off fucking hotels. Oh, you should be him dean del Rey. They know how to get a hotel room I don't know how to do no that shit people try to be like, I don't know. It's It's cool. It's like you get to be as a part of the community. It was right on the beach, which was nice But oh, wow, I didn't know that but like it was cool But I'd still rather be in a hotel on the freeway It's just I don't know like even though I know more people probably aren't on those sheets to be honest And the sheets made you nervous. Yeah, I do

Ever since ever no, I didn't I didn't I didn't cook with none other silverware But ever since I've been with him, I just get on luck. I've never had I never had skin issues and now I get styes If I look at a hot-toe So So yeah, trust me Yeah, my dad will make you for his ear swallow. He doesn't do that's why I sleep on my stomach. I was trying I was sleeping on your stomach. I do like a fucking dead animal Yeah, like a armadillo. Yeah, or on my side. I'm mostly either on my stomach or my side

Jesus Christ Do your arms touch the ground? Yeah, I'm cool. How do you even do that, bro? You have no idea dog, right? Who sleeps on your stomach face down? No, I sleep, yeah. Oh face to the side. I have pillows. Yeah. Oh face to the side Jesus Christ, I thought you slept face down. Do you think I have like a massage table in my bedroom? No, but What the fuck Dude, you're a fucking unreally

I figure what we were talking about. They should have dolls. They should have the lease. I had dolls, bro They're indestructible, dude oh, yeah, it was just Airbnb it was not I would it's a hotel. It's just we was just I get it in like places where you want to rent a cabin or someone was there a spare bedroom Or it was a full apartment. We had a full apartment. It was her personal bedroom though. Yes. Okay. See that's disgusting Yeah, all that people banging my bed and come on my headboard and shit people spray it out

Oh, yeah, we we disrespected. We went to we we disrespected that bed Let me tell you something. You just come on the headboard and rub it in like fucking Lemon, what's that joy? What's that shit you polished wood with? Yeah Old english with them. They come back. They gotta sleep with that old dea. They are dea is lurking over your head and shit Yeah, it's old english. That's a liquor That's a mold liquor. That's why we left it was I just I didn't it was gonna rain There was gonna be fireworks

So we were gonna stay if there was gonna be fireworks, but then it was raining And it was just like this person's it was like her college apartment kind of It was like everything that was like someone else went to Ikea And they say that at a dormit fucking pretty much how stayed long beach. It was not good. It was not good, but my my my girlfriend is Young and but she knows she the activities were great and she just isn't making a lot of money yet So did she have a good time? Oh, yeah, we had a good time. The activities are great She had a good time Lee

That's what counts. Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course and we had a great time. We have a great time together. It's just That's love. I'm I'm the the old a weird one who just wants to be in hotels, but um Now do you try to act not older on your girlfriend if she's younger? That's one thing I've noticed I'm not that much. I'm only two years older. Oh, that's not bad. That's not weird. Um, that's not bad But we people should go to museum stoned more. It's fun. It's like that. Have you been to the queen mary? No, I've been to the other place the museum down there the fucking zoolandio the aquarium water. Yeah, it's cool down there Yeah, the aquarium was very nice. Yeah

It's a nice time. It's beautiful down there. It really is they we did long beach It's just not a vacation resort Lee and we had the best Mexican food I've had In California, that's the first thing I said to you in that afternoon I go make sure you get the Mexican food. But don't get a fucking chain. Oh boy. Simon rex is uh going down there with him I call it is you know him Simon rex dirt nasty. No, no, no, you gotta meet him. He's great, bro. So funny No, it's uh It's great to fucking get sober, man

Yeah, it's cleared my head up a little so but listen, man I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you and the quicker you catch yourself The better off it is, you know, yeah, and it might take you a year to get sober but It's so good when you do do you feel better five more? What's the difference right now that you feel? Yeah, I mean I feel like No reefer no sleeping pills. No, no nothing just straight up water Maybe somehow I'll hit up a sialis five milligram, you know, if I'm trying to party a little, you know

If I'm trying to treat a lady to an evening or something, but uh You know, I'll drop nine dollars on that. I got a dude that you know I mean, when did that start happening? What? The sialis five milligram. Oh, I throw that just because look dude, you know I'm saying like You know, I can be Michael Jordan, but if I could have scotty pippin next to me, bro I'll do it, you know, like there's no point not having him in the ring with you, you know You know, you don't show you, you know, you got to bring a you got to bring a knife to a bun fight You know what I'm saying? I'm so petrified to eat one of those things. Oh, you got it. I'll throw dude

I'll take I'll put one of those in my butt dude. They go quick to your cock then dude What is this? In the last week, we've had somebody who put what she put in her asshole Coke ecstasy Oh, yeah, boof and these kids are boofing when they blow cocaine in each other's butts. I read about that That's a colorado thing What do they do? They put cocaine in the end of a straw and then they put the other they put the other end end to somebody's butt

Then they blow it in there. It's called boofing. I did that 25 fucking years ago. I invented that with With a dollar bill your boof with a dollar bill You get the hepatitis C attached to the dollar bill and shit If I don't have hepatitis C, I ain't got nothing Amen, bro from all those fucking dollar bills and snorting that shit Hysterical. Oh my god. What the fuck? So, yeah, I hit a sabbatical man, but I hit a sabbatical. So that's where I'm at You know, but it's chill. I just feel what I feel I feel

Because I I just got a lot on my plate right now and at least each time I can show up for it, you know It's like every day. I know I can do what's going what's required of me, you know Because my mind already tries to beat me up a lot my mind, you know first thing out of the game My mind is like you fag, you know, you mega sometimes my mind calls me a mega even, you know Like Jesus Christ, I guess my own brain using the n word You know, and it's just like that stuff's just channelizing, you know sometimes so So at least I know each day when I'm sober It's like or if I haven't been drinking or partying then I'm able to get up and like

Battle my own demons and go at the day head on, you know And I still I got enough war stories and now I'm able to think out my war stories a little bit better Because sometimes I was too busy making new stories to even think about the old ones So now I'm able to look through the old ones and be like, oh, this could be a good story And I can share those stories. So I feel like my my stand-up has gotten better You know, I'll put it together a new hour in the past year You ready to shoot another special. I'm ready man. You feel good about it. I feel good, dude Where would you shoot this time this time? I would do Chicago or I would do here in LA

I think because I got enough friends that understand me, you know, and it might be delusional. Otherwise I would do Dallas Dallas bro. I love those people. They're fucking everything dude. What are you working? Dallas the improv? Yeah, I worked the improv, but I worked the one out in uh Yeah, Addison Addison. Yeah, I worked the Addison. I was on my favorite clubs. It is a great club, isn't it? One of my favorite but the whole town used to be 50 yards away and now they switched that I heard the one I stayed at was really close You could walk through a walk how many minutes Literally not even joking

Two and a half minutes Maybe less then they put you back at that hotel. They said they took you out of this I was like no Oh, they did take you out for a little while the first time I went that me stay at some other place down the street I think I had to drive down there or some shit. Fuck that. Yeah, I don't do that I don't do that shit, man. But yeah, man. I had some other crazy. I mean I remember one night Body slam and a bunch of hookers dressed up like a fucking gangist con doing to get Korean hookers and One of the last times I saw you you had gone out one night

You went to the apartment And you were gacked up and you called the chick and they sent you the wrong chick. Oh, yeah, some lady had a a uh was it uh Oh, some lady with a mole had a big mole and I set her up with my buddies a dermatologist I didn't know how to answer that Yeah, you know hookers and stuff were never really my deal. I mean my deal was just I would just want to party and create stories You know

Like I never got into it really That I mean that guy brought the hooker into the taxi, you know, that's Luigi's deal. That's his life It was nice of him because I think he was trying to be a friend to me, but You know, I didn't want I didn't need that. You know, I was just looking to party Surely weird when you live a certain lifestyle You come to a point one night when you go, you know what I can't do this no more because eventually Something bad is gonna happen. Luigi could have stabbed me. Yeah, the hooker could have slipped my throat Well, I was putting my neck back

To put coke in my nose a fucking thousand things Could go wrong You know from experience man now if I could do it again I always minded my business. Listen, I went into those neighborhoods late at night I think about it in my fucking skin like just wants to shake like a spirit. Touch me. Yeah It's the weirdest thing like I remember Being at a bar and like Fort Lee, New Jersey And knowing that the place is gonna close at three

We got to make it over that three in the morning. But when you get to that place the place is closed So now you gotta get to the Bronx. Are you fucking kidding me? Now you gotta cross a bridge on another bridge with coke in your fucking car Don't take they're confiscating that car and you're doing seven and a half years somewhere Yeah, and you're still doing it. Yeah, and you're still going to that bad neighborhood and that's all you need Is for a cop to see a hooker walk towards your car And her talking to you you're getting pulled over. Yeah, it's that easy They see a woman

18 inches from your car. You're getting fucking pulled over Let's you miss victoria dude who just dropped her ass into your pass and just see dude that lady would hang out the side of your car I mean that was I mean that's basically the uh, what's that food place where you go when they run out to your car and set the thing on the tray on the side Sonic Sonic Well, tell me better than a monday the first monday Of the new year. Look at you and shit. Amen, man Good to be here, man Happy new year

Happy new year When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart Victoria I wonder what she's up to now Who's victoria the hooker somebody that lady would drop her ass in your car for the 16 18 bucks probably I stopped by my old neighborhood the other day actually Who'll leave you to learn tell you about that next time that misery company

Wait and see How you feeling like How you feeling I'm feeling uh, so the star stayed in you the chocolates came out. Yeah, someone will stop I also ate the first half of the chocolate bar So it was like something Some parts of something stated made it whatever's in there's working on real Oh my god

It's on fucking periscope That's the fucking craziest thing You got the whole thing. I pretty you know, you always do great I I thought to yourself. Oh, he bought four bars. He trained last week like a soldier But as it was happening I go, I should have known I should have known I had that feel like ronda rousey when she was standing next to the Referee, I should have known this was a hoax Listen, I mean, I mean no disrespect. I know a lot of great people who made a lot of great edibles

Chocolate doesn't really ever sit well my stomach. It's weird. Wow. I'm a chubby dude who just chocolate is not Not in it for me. You ain't no chocolate guy. I'm gonna remember that. No, sir How many weeks a month are you traveling now? Probably 20 weeks I do like 20 weeks on the road and I spend time with my family taught you three weeks at home during the year And then I I'm doing enough work in town where it's good to be home, you know, it's like I can make You know, I can make decent money just even staying in the city You go out every night during the week Five nights a week. I'll say I get up damn

Actually, I'll probably get up six dude, honestly. I try to take one off though just to make sure that I'm able to Know what I'm doing when I get to the club, you know, if I'm in training. I want to be out six nights a week and get six sets If I'm fucking around I like to do four. Yeah, I'll go out one night and bang two Just around my three nights and I could stay Friday night with my family and leave it open. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you mean on the road Yeah, I have to go out twice a month, man. Yeah twice a month. That's what I like to do twice a month is the most I could do Six nights. Let's do this shit do this shit Do this shit. Oh, shit. Lee sciatica. Oh, look at you with a new shirt on. What'd you do with the old shirt? It's not bad. It's not in the trunk of my car. I just couldn't I just didn't want to wear a stinky shirt

But oh my god, that was fucking I mean and you just eat them like they're nothing which is the weirdest part to me There's no there's no fucking state of mind like there's no state of mind, but things I've taken it's chocolate It's chocolate. I don't taste nothing. I was talking about it the other day Mushrooms have shit on them and he's just told me and not all of them. Oh, yeah, they do The ones I give you I clean off. You don't clean nothing off. Yes I personally Clean the fucking mushrooms all for you. Why would I lie before you came in I was telling Lee that you know what man?

I really like the holidays But those five days after were just really rough on me, man. Yeah, I just want new years to fucking come and go I had a nice time new years. I'm happy Joe had me open from done at the Orphan Tony Hinchcliffe nice fucking people Wow, we did the show and got the fuck out of there. Nobody hung out nothing But uh, you know, I was home by a quarter to 12. That's beautiful. Bam. Nobody got their feelings or my wife was out, you know But that's it. I'm not doing it no more. I've done enough. You know, I'm saying 25 years I've done probably fucking 20 years of

New years. That's it, man. I've bombed hard on fucking new years news. It's hard new years is hard. I've bombed Fucking hard one of the hardest bombs in my life Was miami improv where I was fucking kicking ass as a feature act. Yeah new years Like 99. Oh did I eat a bag of shit in front of Angel Salazar? Oh, really? Oh boy, I saw him at a diner in new york not long ago. How bad does he look? Dude, I swear to god, Joey. I'm walking with Sarah Tiana, you know her And there's a guy sitting in the diner by himself. It's 2 30 in the morning

We've been at the at the comedy clubs and stuff. We're gonna eat And I'd never met angel in my life. I'd only heard stories about him, right? I'd seen a couple pictures And I was like, I think that's angel salazar. He's drinking a glass of wine in a shitty diner We go in dude, and it was him And we sat there and talked to him for a while. He tried to fuck sarah a little bit, which I respected Yeah, and then uh, how are you? What's your name? Yeah, you want to go in the low with me? It was cool to see him man because I only heard stories he works in percentages. He's uh He's an interesting fucking fellow. You know what man?

He gave me a lot of encouragement early on, you know, I can't lie. He's a good dude in that way When I got to meet him It was I I appreciated what he had done I just that was a little too fast for me. He was rocking and rolling jack Yeah, he parties to party hard. That's what he goes hard and I was going hard at the time. I was going wow This guy goes fucking hard Like El Paso we get the El Paso was Tuesday through saturday night

Let me tell you something As soon as I got down there there was somebody waiting for me with a chunk that just got over a border in somebody's shoe That first night we I smell like a size 10. I get fucking lit up This shit was fucking tremendous, you know, and from there on every night there was somebody at the club We had something that's El Paso, bro When he would come to town the phone at the condo would start ringing the night before wow People there's angel there yet

people wanted to take him out and That scarface thing people will be when he's 80 in a funeral in a In an old man's home every day somebody will be taking them out taking pictures of them. Check it out Yeah, buying them lunch bringing them clothes. It's amazing People fell in love with that character hard. It just goes to show you. He still sells tickets He's not selling out, right, but he still sells tickets. He's not Fucking Michael Jackson, right, but he still sells 100 tickets to show doesn't matter. He takes pictures People go there look at them. It's 30 fucking years later. That was 30 goddamn years ago, right? That's amazing

83 well, yeah 83 90 boom boom. Yeah, that's amazing. He was born 94, right? 88 88 94 Who gives a Frenchman's fuck? You know what I'm saying, Lee? Yeah, fucking leave, bro Unbelievable. I'm just happy to see you alive every time I come back in here, man And I always boost my spirits to know you're still going, you know, we ain't gonna know where I know Indestructible we're gonna take leave her right now. We'll talk with them this shit Kick him out the car make him walk home and stuff Me the hook girl his name is uh Luigi and a car we need to scale a little bit at least never really had fun

Yeah, we need to get you out in one of the neighborhoods one night dude get you in a little clan outfit Sure Oh my god, I'm joking, bro I don't know if you I don't think you'd make a good Klansman, Lee. No, I wouldn't Yeah, I don't think you would He's Jewish Yeah, you could claim you could cross over though Because you have to be christian first to be a klansman. You probably do

I think it's like kind of you just can't be you can't be Jewish It'll be like, hey, what are you talking about? What do you want to do this year, man as a comic this year, man I want to get it this I want to get this other special. I got my new album that's going to come out soon. We just just uh Just locked it actually about three days ago called 30 pound bag of hamster bones And so i'm excited about that And what else man, we got a couple of great shows that we're pitching so i'm excited about that I wouldn't mind meeting a girl maybe falling in love, you know

Or at least being an honorable boyfriend, you know, I don't know if I've ever been that in my life, dude you know, I was out there You know licking pussy after dark, you know out there in the streets and just You know just tasting the flavors of the universe, you know now that you quit drinking. It's a different game out there, huh? It's not that easy to lure them back. Oh, no girls want you more now Do they oh, I think in a heartbeat. Yeah, I've had more offers these days for like I've just had more offers. I think just because i'm Because you look like you do wait like

Because i'm clear ahead if I go so but it's not like people gonna be like, oh lee. I want to suck your dick Well, no They might late. I don't think so, you know, but it might look. I didn't think I you know I've never thought I was uh Very handsomely if that makes you feel any better. You're stunning, sir. Well, it's nice you to say But yeah, I think so those are some of my work dreams, you know outside of that. I want to be a better brother Um, I want to be uh, I want to have a little bit more relationship with with a god, you know a higher power um

Yeah, those are things that I want to do man, and I want to help other people somehow I just want to do something even if it's little, you know answer the phone when somebody calls if I know they need help Not that I would even if it's some muppet, you know that I normally wouldn't fucking answer, you know You're 36. This is about the time that you gotta sit there and go jesus christ What's next now? I did this I did this I did this I did this Yeah, what the fuck does it go where does it end up? Do I join the Beatles? Yeah, you know, this is this is uh I moved here, you know like a 30-something and it was rough I don't know for sure and I'm like if I fail at this

I don't have a lot of options I could sell over the phone. I could sell cars and shit I don't think I could sell things over the phone for 20 fucking years though So I got to make this kind of these shit work one way or another like that's how I didn't know This was it man Wow, that's brave, bro That's brave. I had done everything else. Yeah Come on. Who the fuck are you kid? Not every opportunity in the world to learn how to be a brick mason

A roof uh, oh, yeah, I could have been a thousand things an electrician I could have I could have been a fucking those people would pipe for the fucking pipes Yeah, the irritation irrigation irrigation pipes Some guy fucking when I was 19 said listen, man Work the summer if you like it invest a little bit If you like it you fucking stay around we raise your salary If you like it you buy in he goes I'm partners with these two guys We make a little fucking we cut it up every month

It's not a lot but at least you make some money, you know, we get it wasn't a bad deal though. I got great I had great opportunities when I was a young man, though Fucking great opportunities that I would they would come to me and listen man. Just stick around. You're a sharp guy stick around Stick around. I want to run this place tomorrow. Yeah, you can't be like that You can't and because of stupid shit. I lost great jobs, you know, but I'm happy I did Because I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't found What I really wanted to do. Do you know what I'm saying? Oh 100% man. It's kind of awkward why you're going through it I don't a lot of people right now that listen to this are going through that they're going through stuff

Transition from one situation to another. Yeah, it seems like you just have to keep fucking pushing Yeah, because your life or your higher power has a plan for you, bro Even if you and I'm not trying to sound like some christian weirdo or anything like that. I'm just saying that Life has a plan for you and you just gotta fucking, you know, if you out there Getting you getting your ass eaten through a car window or whatever you're doing Just know that that's not that doesn't define you and that's just a little speed bump. You know, that's just a little That's a little just a little ingredient in your recipe, man Because dude, I used to bury a guy's shit in my neighborhood for free when I was growing up, you know, he died

You know, I I blew such a fucking The other part of this holiday I didn't like that it was I had a great christmas eve Christmassy was fucking phenomenal the family and we had a great christmas too That was all cool it was like Tuesday and wednesday got real like what the fuck do you do all day? Damn, you had to do you had a tough you had a tough time after that after that christmas My back's what my wife's back was hurt

I was at the park with the baby to be honest. You're riding a little bike with him and stuff like that, you know She got a bike request. I was a fucking blast But You know after that I was like, what do you do you wait till 1045 to go to the store? Yeah, you're like fucking dying. I want shit to happen. You're like, come on, baby. Let's shoot something. Yeah life slows down life slows down, man For me Fuck

I ain't getting no younger dog. Yeah You don't need it. Like you don't feel like you need like a three four days to do nothing He'd probably do See that's what i'm wondering too. How do you not feel like that, man? That's how I would feel a lot that's how I feel sometimes. I'm happy to have that downtime I had downtime In my world that was downtime. Yeah those couple days over christmas. That's downtime. We get too much of it

You're recharging In the back of my mind. I want to be writing. I couldn't really write everybody was around me You know, it's kind of distracting over the hall. It was just yeah It's a bit much sometimes bro. I did write the fucking book though I did write the book every day whether it was a sentence a paragraph A new chapter I cut something in I did do that Which was interesting. That's good But the problem is when you go on the road, I lose that

Because the computer I have on the road just sucks fucking dick. Wow It's a surface and my wife is gonna get me another one. I don't know what the fuck happened I gotta ask her what the fuck happened. Yeah, I really you know What I only focus on that stuff when I'm home And I only focus in it when it's early in the morning. Yeah I really like to lock myself in that take two hits of the pipe And I watch who watched that shit. You know daddy work. Yeah, it's good man. It's when your brain is nice Did you get to watch the ronda rosy fight and loose?

No, honestly, bro, I don't like watching women fight, bro I like I like I watch a lot of women's street fight when I was growing up. What a lot of uh, yeah These chicks were always fucking fighting around us. So some of it. I don't like I do respect it I think these women are tough and talented. You know unbelievable. Did you watch it? Yes, sir. What did you think? I thought well personally and I've said this before that I thought I Just unsure that like they want the why was like, why are they making ronda the favorite? She's been gone for a year and this other girl has been crazy good

for a while and My dad was saying today that usually she usually attacks and just gets people down and in 12 seconds They're done and she didn't seem like she had the same urgency this time. That's what he said and he he's a very amateur fan And to me I I don't even know about that. It just seemed like I don't know if she has to be there for a contract or like it didn't even it didn't even look like uh A fight was put up to me. I thought it was very sad

Yeah, I watched it. I watched the replay like I said yesterday. I said, you know right before it started I went to the bathroom As I was pissing I said, you know what? ronda's gonna win this fight let her win let her retire prevent her frustrations on the media And how she felt and how she was treated

Tell a few people to go fuck themselves You never see ronda rousey again unless she's a spokesman for fox sports or something. Yeah Don't get you know what nunez will fight somebody for the interim belt and she'll get the championship back Nobody's feelings got hurt here This could be this couldn't end the better way I come back. I sit on I put my feet up And they're off And I see what happened a part of me was so fucking sad

A part of me was so fucking sad because A part of me thought that she'd never recover from that if it took her that long Say what you want about connor mcgregor. He got choked out And a week later he was out there talking shit That was the difference between ronda and connor do you think the difference is because that was the big difference, okay You can't sit in your house. We all lose. I understand you work hard. I work hard. You work hard Lee works hard. We all fucking work hard, bro

To to to do anything in this business. Yeah to make a dent in this business You have to work hard to excel in your field whatever field that you do You have to put that extra fucking hour in that nobody knows about You know what i'm saying when you get to work like, huh? But you want that fucking it job or whatever job you want You got to put an extra two three hours into the sunday. You know what i'm saying? Yeah, that's what life is all about even if you do it at home. You wake up two hours earlier. We don't fucking do that shit What we talking about

Rousey rousey But you know now she's saying you know they made a statement and dog. Nobody was sadder than I was It's not like I bet her or nothing. I just There was no reason to you know It was I was very entertained with dominant crews and the other guy if I was gonna bet anything that fight I was just gonna sit back and watch And while it was going down man, I thought about everything and I'm like, you know again I saw hitting pads with the guy

I saw her doing Nothing different. Yeah I didn't see nobody different sparring with her. I didn't see no kickboxer in there sparring with her I just saw hitting pads And it all came to me and I felt sad And I feel sad that she lost I can't imagine how bad she feels, you know, yeah to lose two in a row and like that a national this one here I think a lot of people feel the way I did. She wasn't even in the game. Yeah, it seemed like at first when she got hit

It came to her that she was in the fucking octagon That's what it seemed like to me And she was all gone from there like rogan said she threw a couple kicks Which is something out of her repertoire And the move she does so greatly it was greatly it was gracefully The chick escaped from it and returned the punch in there. So Yeah, I think maybe you could be rightly that it was just a contractual thing, you know I have no idea and

I have no interaction with this guy. But why do you guys think? She sticks with a certain coach who? From whenever you hear Is maybe a lover's no one likes no well, she's dating someone else who she brought to that coach May I mean who knows I don't know I don't know enough about it Well, you know man Sometimes loyalty is loyalty even if sometimes if it's blind

If that's what it is with him and her god bless her at least she's loyal to someone, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I mean a lot of the tapes are being released from the fight and stuff and People have said something listen. I'm not an expert In boxing or mma that talked about who's a good coach who's not a good fucking coach. I don't know anything about that shit Or you know as the results In the octagon or in the ring, you know, I know freddy roach is good Because the filipino guy pakya has been champion for 2000 years Yeah, I know whether tain trains floyd may whether

Must be good because whether trains him I know the guys down wink with john down there down in new mexico They're good. They got john jones. They got bj penn They got collars conduit. The list goes on and on and on I know a lot of camps sort of fucking great. That don't mean that people Are gonna be great there. Why ronda after she got knocked out By holly home. Why didn't she go start a new? I don't know

I mean, she's been busy. She's been she's you know, she's done a bunch of advertising I mean, who knows? It's a good question. I don't know enough about it. I gotta fucking piss so bad, man So gotta go fucking pee. I gotta do some shout out real quick Again, this show has been sent it for my favorite motherfuckers in the world on it Let me tell you something about on it. I've been back on the uh shroom tech sport again. I gotta tell you people something Unbelievable again. I tried to order the hemp force protein today. They didn't have it So instead I got some alpha brain

And I got one of the club bats That's how i'm rolling for 2017. I suggest you do the same alpha brain Start with alpha brain because the money back guarantee, right? And they don't even want the product back You think you're not sharp enough for 2017? It starts at alpha brain, bitch Go to other.com right now and press in church chu or ch And get 10% off your first order On it.com again. The code is church chhu or ch I want to thank my main man

Rory oliva for the badass bruce lee book. He brought me a fucking diva An olji kundo book. You know, I love you jack will wilkin cap unfore three talking land nick ferrara Ray majewski darin carter with his fucking push-ups ookey spooky over the holidays looking good cj blake And rachel lay little over there getting more married Down there motherfucking houston

Close that door for uncle joey don't what's the matter? Y'all gotta slip jay What's that? I don't know what the fuck I want to do in 2017 I just want to fucking live lease. I gotta want to do a podcast a couple days a week with my main man I want to be a better dad. I'm gonna try to be a better husband And uh, that's all you could fucking be you know what I'm saying? I know I don't want to travel anymore as much as I'm doing

I got some cities that I gotta go to out of respect You know, so I gotta Pick my fucking cities next year and make up my decisions. You know what I'm saying? Yeah now. I think it's Look, man I mean, I just love watching you work, man. So I'm happy you are doing your work, man. I'm happy that When we spoke on the phone today, you told me about your decision. I'm kind of listen. I'm happy when anybody gets sober I gotta tell you something even if you you're my enemy you came to me. You know, I got sober I've been sober eight years

I got the utmost respect for you because I know where you've been Yeah, listen, man, you want me to look you in the eye and tell you being sober is fun Sorry I will never fucking tell you Yeah, man I've had moments of clarity because after I quit the coke I went on like a dirty day, you know, like a 40-something day no reefer thing Or I just ate pot cookies from the pharmacy

And I didn't smoke and I remember how different everything felt And I wasn't doing coke for a while It It's uh, it's different when you have control of your life Totally, yeah See you could always turn down the the bread off the fucking Cheeseburger. Yeah, you could always go to the fucking gym You could always, you know, not drink and drive and shit like that

But something I always gave in there was those fucking drugs, man. Yeah You know, my life had total control Except those drugs but those drugs ruin everything you're doing Yeah, just like lee and I spoke about all the alcohol or the heroin or the pills you think you're making it happen I thought I was making it happen and believe it or not, bro. I was booking big-time movies Up but my comedy was eating shit. Yeah, you think my comedy is shit now. You should have seen it 10 years ago Because there was no emotional connection with cocaine and drinking. Yeah, there's no emotional connection

You just up there like a parrot just fucking talking stupidly. Yeah. So once that whole booze Whenever I see a young comic on stage or booze It does something to me Yeah, because in all my 25 years, you know, many times I brought booze up to the stage Maybe three times. Yeah, I never thought it looked good I always thought you'd give me like the wrong impression. I don't know why and I have friends that do it I've never said nothing. This is my fucking business. What people do in my mind. I just never liked it. I don't know why Yeah, I mean, I think I could see that a lot of comics like it because the bar owners

You saw more booze of the comics drinking. Oh, I didn't realize that Oh, show up the comics drinking. Yeah, it makes sense. He's up there doing shots people gonna start sending them shots Who's not gonna do a shot? Let me do a shot. Well, you have to let's do another fucking shot Let's see, you know, you're fucking puking on stage. You're burnt naked. I'm Joe Rogan's podcast weighing in tonight He lost by two pounds. He lost by two pounds, but they're both under Uh, obi, so I think the aria has to pay now. Who already has to pay. Oh, who won? Uh, well, the cigar was 219 today and burr was 221 So but they're both they were had they both have to be under 227

so then Then if they're both under 227 then aria has to pay. Wow. What was the price? Uh, no price just uh They had to they were both trying to get under Obese and then there's no price. What does aria have to pay? Uh, they're going on a trip or an event Nice. It's a good deal I gotta take a trip man. I gotta I gotta slip out of here, Joe. Where you going?

I gotta go home. I gotta we actually I gotta put one episode of moon podcast up. So I gotta go work on my editor All right, listen, man I'm happy you dropped by and opened up the fucking year with us my friend dude I wouldn't had any other way man. No man. I'm fucking happy that you came come by and she was a fire out there and shit Fucking burn it down, bro. What a fucking night tonight my friend That's what's up, dude. Rocking and rolling listen I couldn't wait to get out of the house and do a fucking podcast. Amen

I did one last night with those guys It went well. I knew from that we'd go well with you. Whatever's burning down Fucking fucking close. Let it burn, baby. Trump, baby. Let it burn, dude Don't say that. Sorry. Just let it burn, dude. Don't say that. We're trapped in here with no bicycles I got no bicycle in here. Look at them. We got a chair to barricade ourselves with no oxygen We'll be dead within two fucking minutes. They bazooka this place Hilarious All right, my brother. Where you had it this weekend?

Um, this weekend. I'm in town. I'm in virginia beach in a couple of weeks at the funny bone the last weekend, uh, january 20 6th through the January 24th through the 28th Are you writing your sobriety down? Are you writing about your sobriety at all? I mean right now. I'm just no talking about on stage. I'm not talking. Oh, yeah I'm talking about Putting on a notebook about you. What are you feeling? What the fuck is different?

Why would I go back to drinking or I get out with characters like joe d is at 2 a.m No, right now I'm working man. I had like, I mean, I didn't have a dad growing up So I still have like a lot of like emotional issues and stuff from drawing up. So some of that stuff I got to deal with so I mean, I'm always doing my comedy. I mean my comedies I love my comedy. I'm happy to have it. I feel blessed to have this skill and ability, but at the same time like I'm dealing with other personal stuff first, you know, because that's what I got to get right But at the same time my comedies

Is is uh, I feel like better than ever. So You know, it's all simultaneous as long as I care about myself to keep working at stuff then everything else will work itself out I respect that man You know, I love you either whatever you want to do If you want to do bongas if you want to do heroin, I love you either way if you want to stay clean I love you. What can I tell you? I just want you to be happy and get the You know, like we talked about before the shell listen If you know anything about me bro, I can't drive a BMW. Yeah, I know what the fuck I am, you know, yeah

For me living here now and having a great time. Like I said 20 years later I've seen so many people that had more opportunity than me Vanish, yeah vanish Sometimes I look them up on facebook. I see him They're in real estate now or something like that, but they vanish from this. Yeah, you know what? This wasn't really a dream for me. This is more like a Let's see what could happen. Yeah

Even two years if I book an extra role, I'll be happy with that Can you imagine all I wanted to do was be an extra? I never thought mitzi was gonna make me a regular and shit like that Yeah, just to be In this situation to wake up and to be with lee. I'm telling you man I'm fucking ecstatic. Yeah, the other type of comedy is too much fucking pressure If you look at it now from the Outside, there's a level of comedy. You could live your life and do great Margaret chose been doing it for years. Yeah, she's just been sliding through

Everybody else is doing this and doing that. Margaret chose still selling out improvs on the weekend, bro Yeah Who the fuck are you kidding? She's been doing this for 30 years. If I've been doing this for 25, she's been doing this for 30 years You just fucking take a three months off and reinvent yourself rather special Do this do that, you know, and you're good. You're young man. You got the world by the ball So I've already lived out. I mean, I've already all my dreams. I feel like I've already had almost in a lot of ways So I feel like I'm fucking just playing around and over, you know Like I've far exceeded my expectations. How many years you've been here so far. I've been doing comedy 13 years

How many years you've been in Los Angeles? 13 12 Then fuck it deal one, you know one Ride it out. Yeah, you might as well go to hollywood loan and buy a plot and say listen I'll see you guys in 80 fucking years, huh? Bury me. It's done right here. Bury me phased down. I want that least sciat treatment, baby You don't want to be over in Louisiana. You want to be buried here? I want to get buried over there in mississippi. I already found a graveyard. I like dude Did you really? Yeah, they got a brother that cuts it, dude

A brother cuts the grass and wears a full suit when he cuts it every sunday no matter how hot he is I feel like he probably won't be there when you when you get there. Nah, this man will be cutting grass forever, bro And he wears a suit Where's this full type of this out and he's got little hills out there and that man cuts it in a suit, dude How do you get home? You take two flights? Sometimes I take one in New Orleans and then drive north Sometimes I take two in a baton rouge. That's where my family's at now in baton rouge but uh

Yeah, man, I had a great holidays man, and I've started off great dude Did a show at Amy Schumer new year's eve? We fucking murdered it in New Orleans Now i'm here with fucking joey deas. Who's now who's tomorrow fucking johnny depth son, huh? Let me ask you luther van dross. Who's next bro. How big was the How big was the uh theater? I think 2100 it's at 2100, but she had downsides from another place because uh Um, just because new Orleans you're not going to sell a lot of comedy tickets on new year's eve It's a party city people go out to drink, you know People go to drink if I have people only have television sets, bro. Are they chilling, dude?

New Orleans, Miami There's a couple cities that comedy has always been a hard sell. We've discussed this before Yeah, that's why it was really interesting that you go. She's doing new olines I kept thinking maybe she's doing a riverboat casino I don't know if they have those there Well, she does it because she loves it. She all of her friends. It's her favorite city So she goes there every new year's eve anyway So all of her friends go down there and it's always a big party

So it's an eight o'clock show a midnight show. It was eight o'clock show That's how pimps do it. Yeah, you walk out of that 10 30. There's no magic ball Pictures to 11 the cars leaving. I love you guys See you in a year from now. Boom. Yeah Yeah, it was perfect, man. She I mean It was fine, man. She's funny to be around. She's doing your way up, brother, man She's funny to be around. That's good. You're working. Oh, I feel great I feel absolutely great. I got a slip. Jay. All right, dude. Do your thing

I'm gonna be over at the kalusa casino friday January 6th and next weekend. Hilarie is in cleveland. But let me talk to you about something here That you may uh, I want to talk to you about a smart way Turn extra money and get an extra five on all about is driving with lift You know, are you in between jobs? Are you looking there and extra money for your kids college fund? Are you going back to school yourself? Are you taking a right in the next american novel? I mean, there's got to be something you're seeking alternative funding for a new startup Listen, this is what we're doing. There's other ride sharing apps out there. But live streets. That drive is right

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And start making money and get your $500 bonus Right now. How's that one for you joey's getting your fucking jobs? How bad is your life when uncle joey's getting your job? So here's another thing guys Yo, the business you're looking for the right people. It's tough to get right people If I didn't like lee, I'd be looking for the right people But I love lee, you know what I'm saying. Amen, but he doesn't train He's getting better. He's growing checking with olie boss. He already has my back. I'll he buys. No, no I'll he buys in australia. I'll he buys see all the boss knows all no, he doesn't but listen

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To jump what is it zip recruiter dot com slash church? Want to get one more time? Try it for free go to zip recruiter dot com slash church that zip recruiter dot com slash church Amen, bro. At least I had spraying out his face, dude. What are you laughing about? What's leave fucking monster? Can I drop my date my dates in jail? You're what my dates drop whatever you want my brother drop this hot the next three weeks I'm gonna drop this hot batch of universe on you guys. I'm gonna be in uh All these are american all american dates, bro. Trump won't let me out the country, son. You know how we doing it

Uh, february 26 through 29th. I'll be in virginia beach at the funny bone who goes to the beach in the winter this mf Uh, february 2nd through 4th. I'll be at chicago out in shomburg, illinois at the improv february 22nd through 25th I'll be at comedy work south so get in there get your nuts hard, huh? Bring your hard-ass nutsack in there and let's do that. Let's do it right, huh? Bring some pussy on lee I guess I'll bring the hard nutsack But joey, I want to thank you so much man. I love you, bro You know that I love you too. Thank you for coming on. I got fucked up tonight that those stars and that chocolate I was unlike other people

Oh, you know, I'm afraid. Oh, he's hitting that squeal that beautiful lee squeal, man And yeah, you too lee. Great to be here with you, man. I really appreciate it. Yeah, everything is gonna be great Thank you for listening to the church. You know, I love you all my heart if you're around this friday Calusa casino. It's a fun time myself and my man steve D Simone you know what i'm saying. I love him stay black people have a great night Or a great day. Happy new year once again. Do your thing write your goals. Do your push-ups

It's all gonna be beautiful. All right, stay black Love you, bro Yeah Oh Oh Oh Is We're taking over this town

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