Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #444 - Nick Turturro

Episode Date: January 5, 2017

Nick Turturro, Actor seen in films and TV such as "The Longest Yard" and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.     Recorded live on 01/04/2017.


Rock that motherfucker. Come on, Joe. Hot skates, limberl, go now. Tell me that you love me every day. Oh, shit. Whoa! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, shit. Oh!

I got spandex pants on right now. I want your love. I need your love. Oh, shit. Whoo! I want it to be real. I want your love. I want your love.

Give me your love. Give me your love. I need your love. And I owe you so much. Italy! Yeah! E-A-E-I-O-U. You.

You. Oh, shit. E-E-A-E-I-O-U. Do that. It's ready. Let's do it. Oh, my god. What an opening. Hold on. Let me close this off. Okay.

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It sounds funny, but it's completely true. Go to HelloTushy.com slash church right now to get 10% off of your order. What's that musically? Kick that fucking mule cock sucker. It's the Church of What's Happening Now. Hit it, Lee! Oh, shit. Oh!

Oh, shit. Wednesday, January 4th, bitches. The day the devil was buried in sea. Uncle Joey, Nick DeTuro. My main man, Lisa Yattenship. Oh, shit. Why fuck around? It's Thursday morning.

Take a chance, Columbus, bitches. Oh, shit. Freeze it. Time to bring out the gorilla biscuits. Here we go. Here we go, cock suckers. Let's go. And you thought it was going to be a blasé type of fucking day.

Yeah. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. My main man, Nick DeTuro. And the fucking flying Jew himself, Lisa Yatt. Hanukkah's over. Yom Kippur is over. Fuck it.

Lent is on the way, Lee. It ain't your type of season. There's nothing to look forward to. All we have is Passover and that sucks. What are you going to do? What's happening, Nicky? All right, buddy. Great to be here.

Great to have you. Let's make it a better year. Just showed up with wine, bread, fucking sauce. We're going deep into the murky waters. You've been eating stars. Lee didn't get sick tonight. They were out of chocolate. He left out.

They were out of these. I told you I tried my first chocolate in Seattle. And what'd you think? So in Seattle, you just walk in on this from the street? Yeah, you just walk in and said, uh, it just said, like, you know, I don't know what it's, it just looked like, you know, said, come in. And you lived in downtown, so you were downtown? No, I was in the suburbs.

10th Washington. 10th Washington. It was like right up the street. I got arrested there. Did you? Yeah, one of those places. It's a possession of stolen car, but the car wasn't stolen. That'll let me go up to three days.

They let you go. But they kept me in there for 72 fucking hours because they pinched me on a Friday. Those cock suckers. Yeah. But that's why you got to make a move so you don't have to spend the whole weekend in, uh, and know how to go in front of a judge. You know, my cousin one time, he made out that he was having a heart attack on a Friday. He got pinched.

So then he spent the whole weekend. He put himself on the ground and faked the heart attack. And then, cause he knew he would have been in jail all weekend. It sucks, Dick. I know. That's the time when you got plans and shit for the weekend and all that. There you are in county jail at six o'clock and shit. Oh my God.

Your fucking page is going off. I wouldn't know. Oh my God. I wouldn't know. I got pinched on Fridays for like fucking years. The worst one was I got paid and I was with my girlfriend. Also in the fucking car wash, she starts to fight and she rips up half the fucking check and I take her from him and some guy goes, Hey, leave her alone.

I didn't do nothing. Oh, you were having a fight and then somebody. Yeah. In Seattle and I had to hide in the dumpster and the cops were looking for me all afternoon and when I got out of the dumpster, I walked 10 feet and there are the cops waiting for him. Wow. What a fucking nightmare.

Seattle is a fucking strange town. Yeah. I'm not allowed back up there. I got used to it, but, but, but it's a strange. Strange man. Very Bohemian. The Maluch. Yeah.

Listen, it's the Bremerton, Washington is the deepest point. That's where my dad was in the Navy. Yeah. Because it's the deepest point. That's where the submarines are. They got pretty girls up there. No. Bremerton is great.

The guys are all comedy and Bremerton all the time. The tip shits, the guys, they all look very like my doggy. My stepbrothers uncle lives all the way up there. And when I went up there, Robert Ronnie, I fucking contacted him one time. There's 94, 95. You know, I used to go to Bremerton. But it's a growing city, man. Oh yeah.

Now it's got a smart, all that, you know, all those. All that Navy. All that Navy money. Computer guys are up there. You know, there's all that. Was it Amazon or who's up there? Everybody's up there. Everybody's up there, right?

Everybody's up there. I wouldn't know. I'm not a lot up there. 1995. You can't go. You're bent. This is 97. 20 years now.

20 fucking years, I still got that warrant out. Wow. It's a non-extraditional warrant. They could only arrest me if they find me in the state of Washington. In that state. They won't come again. So you don't do no comedy there? Fuck no.

No. I don't know where I got the Maloque put on me. Maloque. Let me tell you something. It was like I was going through a rough patch in my life and then I moved to Seattle and I didn't know what Maloque was till I moved like I thought I was going through. I was going, I was like on a two-year skid, on a two-year skid of debt. And I finally moved to Seattle and I get pinched five times in 18 fucking months.

Would you get pinched for? You name it. The fault, possession of stolen car, fucking violating of, it was a fuck. And it all started with a J-Walk in ticket. Why'd you go there anyway? Because I met a girl. Oh. Why the fuck would anybody go to Seattle if you met a girl?

I know. I don't think I ever went to that place. My father used to talk about it because he was in the Navy and he stopped there and I asked my mom and I said, why does he always talk about that watch? Because he probably shacked up with some girls when he was young. He was a good looking guy. I always talked about Washington, Washington. And the first few times I was like, I hate this place.

It's weird. You know, it took me a while to like, you know, kind of embrace it. I went up there at the time for comedy and for this girl. So I moved in with her and I got a place and then I just did comedy. And compared to where I was living in Denver and Boulder at the time, this was, I was going out every night. They had comedy every fucking night. Every night they had comedy somewhere.

Kent, Burlingham, what's all the way up there. Bremerton. Bremerton. No, no, no. Bellingham. Bellingham, Kent. There was a lady who booked every single, you know, like they have these Mexican chains around here.

Like what's the taco place we go to? We go to Cactus. Cactus, okay. Cactus. Cactus would have 11 restaurants and all of them would do comedy. So the one in Kent would do comedy, the one in East, over the bridge and the East side of Seattle would do comedy. The one in Tacoma would do comedy, the one in Portland, like close to Portland would do

comedy. I forget what they would call a low something Mexican restaurant. So there was action every fucking night. Different vibe. Northwest is really different. And when you're doing it in a restaurant, are you doing it at like the bar? Like what are you? At the fucking bar, Lee.

Okay. And how many people would come to like a Mexican restaurant? 14. 15 tops. What was your act like back then? Just God awful. Really? God awful.

What did you talk about? Who the fuck knows? Killing people and kidnapping people and selling drugs. Who the fuck knows? A lot of serial killers up there. You know, the Green Lake guy. Oh yeah, Bundy. Yeah, Bundy.

Bundy was up in Seattle. Yeah, yeah. A lot of intelligent but dark, crazy people. Well, that place, a lot of people ice themselves up there in Buffalo. Yeah, Buffalo too. It's the same type of, I look at that. It's a nicer city in Buffalo. Yeah.

Well, and I like Buffalo. You do? I'm a Buffalo dude. Yeah, I've always been a Buffalo. I'm a rough and rugged. I'm a Rick James type of motherfucker you know what I'm saying? But I take it like I'm a wing dude. I like the beef on the wing.

The wings are good. The beef on the wing. You ever seen that movie Buffalo 66? Good movie. Is it? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy Vincent Gallo.

What happened to him? Lost his mind. Lost his mind. Yeah, he was crazy as it was. That's why he was so surprised. And he made a movie where he had a girl like, you know, actually do something to him on camera. For real.

It's in the movie. He had a big dog's bunny or something. And he's definitely out there. He was a talented guy. Yeah, that's why he was so... I love that movie. I love that movie. That's why Vincent Gallo...

Ben Gazzara's in it. Yeah, he plays his father. He plays his father. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Angelica Euston is the mother wearing the Bill's jacket. That's right. I haven't watched that again.

That's a... I used to stop in Buffalo to go to Toronto and was doing a movie. I didn't have a passport. So I used to go, I could get in from Buffalo to Toronto. Like with a bird certificate. This is before 9-11. Yeah. Before 9-11, you could fucking wave at him.

I never went through the border because, in fact, I got to call this kid. He called me Irish, dated a Puerto Rican girl in my... How fucked up is this? I'm talking to a waiter at the Miami Improv and I go, Doug, I got to work in fucking Buffalo next week and then I got to jump over to Canada and work Toronto. I don't think they're going to let me over. This is way before 9-11. And he goes, bro, I could get your hand like that.

He told him, he was my girl's father. This is how nice these Puerto Ricans were. I flew from Miami to Buffalo. They picked me up, took me to their home, let me take a shower and change. They made a big Puerto Rican meal. He told him my mother died and I left. They made gondolas, the whole fucking deal. Then the father was a gambler.

So he had to pass into this casino. So to go into this casino, you kind of went over the border. But they didn't really say nothing to you as long as you had a sticker and you were going to go gamble. And that's what he would do. He would make believe like he'd go park. We'd make a U-turn. He'd take me all the way to the bus station and the first city, there's a little city

when you first get over Buffalo, I forget what it's called, and I would take the bus to Toronto. And then when I would come back, I would go through immigration and they would lose their mind. Oh yeah. They'd do a background check and said, when would you get in here? And I got in here last Thursday. Here's my documentation.

I did the fucking paperwork. I didn't do the paperwork. I had the paperwork from the comedy club and they'd lose their mind. You couldn't have gotten in here. What are you talking about? They didn't fucking got in here. I did that about three times and then one time before 9-11, they got me going in. They said, no, you can't go in there and I went and got a hotel in Detroit, like in

the worst part of Detroit. I probably had 300 on me. So I said, I got no money for a Hilton. So I said, take me to the darkest part of fucking Detroit. I think I'm kidding you. And he took me downtown. He goes, the hotel's at 35 hours. I said, perfect.

And I got a fucking, oh my God, this is a fucked up story and I fucking take the cab, he puts me to this hotel. But on the way to the hotel, I see Coco's comedy club. And I had a bunch of friends from Detroit that were out here that were all comedy club Coco. And they got three blocks away. So I went up there the first night, boom, I saw Mimi Gonzalez, a little Cuban lesbian chick.

And she goes, I got no place to stay. Fuck it. I got two beds. Give me 1750. I'm surprised you didn't get it for like the whole 30. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. She gave me 1750 like a motherfucker.

She took a shower the next day. She went somewhere. I don't know where the fuck she went. What year was that? 99. 99. Summer of 99 before Montreal. Man, time has flown by.

It really has. I can't believe it's 2017. Can't believe it. This is freaking. What'd you do 2000? 2000? Yeah. What'd you do 2000 for New Year's?

2000. Let's see. Did you think the Martians were coming in? Well, the Yankees won the World Series, I mean, that yeah, Subway Series 2000. It must have been a decent year. Those were good years for me back then. Those were better times. I was going back and forth LA in New York and Yankees Mets.

That was good. I flew all the way from Canada to see the closing game. I flew like five hours and I drove five hours. I was in Canada, some place called Ossoyo was doing some rinky dink movie. I got off and I drove five hours to Seattle and dropped my kids off and then boom and then flew five. So I traveled like 10 hours for one game. I said they better fucking clinch.

I didn't come this far to lose. I fucking kill them if they lose. I'm in Shea Stadium. I'm going to celebrate tonight and the Yankees tough game, but they put them away. We celebrated at Shea. I love sticking it to the Mets at Shea. It was a great feeling because I felt like I willed them. I said I came this far not to lose.

There's no way I'm fucking losing like I'm playing. I wasn't playing, but I'm taking it personal and you know, and the Yankees did one. They pulled that Louis Soho with a little hit man. You know what that sounds like to me? That sounds like when the Red Sox came back three to one against the Yankees. Three oh. Yeah, that's a little different. Look at Lee throwing salt in the woods.

Yeah. It's all right. Look at Lee throwing salt in the woods. It was their time. This guy's a real fucking Yankee fan. It was their time. Not no OP. No fucking fan.

I'm not a bullshit fan. This is the real deal here. You threw salt. You threw salt. You threw salt in the fucking wood, Lee. No, that's okay. See, he can, he can revoke and tell you, remember two words, bucky dent. He can revoke.

I can say a lot of things. Aaron Boone. I can say a lot of things. I can say 86. Bill Bucknack. You're fucking. You're still, you're still got that bullshit. The Red Sox still got that baggage.

Bill Bucknack. They won a couple. Now the Cubbies are off the fucking snide with the fucking goat. They'll all go back into hibernation soon. The curse will come back. It'll re, it'll re fucking invent itself. The Yankees have been cursed too. They've been cursed.

Oh yeah. The Yankees are cursed. They're cursed. They have a different curse. Yeah, they put the Malook on. Oh yeah. They go, I don't want to say it. It's that new stadium was like the kiss of death.

It really is. You don't knock down. You don't tear down a shrine. See the Red Sox, they don't knock down Fenway. Never. The Cubs wouldn't tear it wriggly. You don't do that. They moved across the street.

I never felt the same. I swear to God, I never felt the same. I don't. I'm still fucking angry. I'm really angry. I, that place is like an imposter. What, what do you, what do you think about the ball parks out here, Nick? I hate them.

I don't think that. At least in Southern California. I don't like them. That Dodger stadium isn't bad. That Dodger stadium isn't bad. It's set in the canyons. Well, yeah, that is pretty. That's true.

I mean, it is pretty. That's true. It is pretty. I remember when I first came out here with my agent, funny guy, he was taking me to the Dodger games. He was like, Bird Bank. Hi, baby. I was like, what's Bird Bank?

It's where he went to high school. He was so excited to take me a Dodger dog. But the food sucks. All the food is sour. Oh my God. She wouldn't feed him to a dog. Oh my God. The fucking Dodger dog.

They got to get a new fucking hot dog. And you get excited too. And you always buy one to see if they change. You buy it into. Oh, my son, it's terrible, terrible, terrible. At least Yankees are ready to get a, you know, bullshit ball, but good food. Let me tell you something. I heard they got a fucking cheese steak, a Yankee steak.

Oh, the die for that. It's the fucking die for friends that go to the Yankee game. Yeah. Just to get the fucking cheese steak is slam slamming slamming. Then you got the Nathan's hot dog. Great. Great hot dog. They say you miss a whole inning, but it's worth the fucking weight to get the best hot

dog is the one you have on the street and call it a subred. I got him at the house. Oh, they're great. I got him at the house. You can have the, you can boil those in a sauerkraut and must. That's how you eat a hot dog. Yeah. Yeah.

I boil these people over here on my kids. This one talking about fucking ketchup on a hot dog. I don't know. I said mustard is for the hot dog. Yeah. No. You ruin the whole fucking hot dog. You got to have a mustard and sauerkraut.

Don't put no fucking ketchup on. That gets me mad. It gets me pissed too. I don't hear that bullshit. That's some kind of cat. I don't know where that came from. This guy puts fucking ketchup on a hot dog. No, no, no.

I put mustard, but I can't put mustard. Sometimes they'll do a playing because every time I put mustard, it just means it's going on my shirt. Get the mustard in a sauerkraut, Lee. That's what makes it. I make them. I get the sauerkraut. You don't need to.

I've never seen you with sauerkraut. At the house. Oh, it's good. I put the fucking sap. My wife throws them in there. We get the sabred buns. I go deep. I go deep.

You find them. You can find them. You find that newer guy that just sends them to me. Yeah. Fuck it overnight. That's great. And the buns are a little, little stiff. Yeah, to see the steak I made the other night.

That's why we need to get those things that the guys carry around at the game so you can steam the buns at all at the same time. You just want a simple hot dog. You know, Fenway Park, they got this bread that's great. It's like wonder bread. Remember wonder bread back in the day? It was good bread. How is it now?

Still good. It's still good. Peanut butter and jelly. What is fucking soft wonder bread? It's tremendous. It's bread today. It lasts. They've got all kinds of preservatives.

And that's why the bread lasts for weeks. It's weird. They put it. And don't buy bread at Target because I take six weeks old and shit. You get it. Oh, no. You put the fucking, when you put the peanut butter on it, it sticks to the fucking thing and the bread breaks.

What's better than white bread with peanut butter? If you're hungry, if you're starving, that's the fucking sandwich, right? I had to break that addiction. Like I lost 10 pounds because I stopped eating peanut butter. I love peanut butter. If it was peanut butter in my house, I would stick my finger in it and just lick it. I get so high at night, I couldn't control myself. Skippy.

Now I'm a jiff type of motherfucker. You're a jiffy. I'm a jiff type of motherfucker. Creamy, but no fucking peanut butter. No, I don't want no peanuts. I got dentures. Yeah. I got to fuck the Puto.

You see the peanut in your shit, right? No. If you take shits like that, see peanuts. No, I don't want to look at my shit. I used to take shit. That's why I got a bidet. Oh, you got the bidet. That's why I got a bidet.

I do it with the thing in the shower. When I was a kid, I was a creepy kid. I took it out and broke it in half. I wish I had a bidet. I like cleaning that ass. It feels good. I didn't even know what. I went to Italy.

You know, I said, I looked. I go, what is this shit? I was a young guy. He goes, that's to clean your ass. I didn't. I never saw. I didn't know what. I thought it was another toilet.

I should get one. Tushy.com. Because I'm always wiping, wiping, wiping. No, this is tremendous. Take care of the hemorrhoids. Tushy.com. Hello, Tushy.com. Oh, I need it.

It washes behind the nutsack. You put it on hot. And it steams like a dry cleaner. You're like, ah, that type of shit. But steam comes out. Really? There's no germs. And you dip the helmet in there too.

Oh, yeah. While you're at it, you do a little, I want me that out. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you need to put, sometimes you need a little Puerto Rican shower. Oh, man. That's the original Puerto Rican shower. Yeah, yeah. That's what a Puerto Rican shower is.

These people out here think washing your face. No, no. And wetting your hair is a Puerto Rican shower. No, that's not a Puerto Rican shower. That's the byproduct of a Puerto Rican shower. Right. The original Puerto Rican shower is washing that muffler, wiping the nutsack, cleaning the helmet, putting some polish and shine, taking that dead piece smell off the helmet.

Yeah, but you do it with a face cloth. Not, I read the entire instruction booklet. There's nothing about the nutsack or anything, all of that. And where? In the, in the hello tissue. Because they have no imagination. See, that's what I'm here for. I'm Johnny Imagination.

You know what I'm saying? You got to have imagination. You got water sprinkling up. It hits your asshole and it feels good. So if it's hitting your asshole at a certain power, okay? What do you think is going to hit your, what do you think it's going to feel like when it hits your nutsack like that? And all you got to do is just move back a quarter inch.

That's it. You'll feel it hitting your nutsack and you move your feet. You make sure your hips are over your knees. You know what I'm saying? And you do that little shake right there and it's all over, but the shout. And then you move back another inch. Use it all every day? Every day.

In the middle of the day, you got to wash your muffler. Yeah. I'm 298. You got to clean that muffler. You know what I'm saying? I like to start my day with it. You got some odors coming out of there. You got to what?

I like to start my day with it. Well, why you got to start your day with it if you can take a shower? Why don't you take a shower right away? I'm going to work. Oh, no, no. When you work out in the morning, you wash your muffler. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I'm not mad at you at all. Yeah. You got to be fresh. It's 2017. You got to keep everything together. Yeah. When she's standing in front of a chick, hot chick with a hair, the back of the head looks like a rats nest.

This dirty bitch went out. A pussy smells like a condom and she's standing online waiting for a fucking latte, acting like she don't know nobody. You got to know how to clean, man. You got to know how to clean up. I can't stand dirty people. People don't know how to clean up. I love washing three times a day.

I gotta shower when I use it. That shoulda bought a drought saved that for these fucking gentiles. I take showers, Jack. I don't give a fuck. You got to... I love the bathroom. I love the bathroom. That's why I fucking focus.

I got to put my robe on. Focus in the shower. I smoke a tutu-tuts. Yeah, I get in that fucking shower. I play scrubby dub dub I let the fun guy toenail get nice and sore. So I'm under it. I'm overdue. I live at that toe and it's stuffed with fun Guy, so tomorrow at the casino. I'm gonna sit in that shower. I'm bringing the heavy-duty nail clippers Nice, and I cut them right in the shower like the old-school soap or you like the liquid I bring my own soap your own soap. I bring my own fucking Yeah, the blue one blue one it smells nice Watch the muffler good. I got a little shampoo every day. Yeah, I shampooed a hand

I got ten hairs left. I gotta wash them every day. I gotta let them know I love them You know before they abandon ship. I gotta let them know I love them. You can't be walking around with dirty What do you wear for the under? Underarm just unscented. Oh, you don't like it. I like old-school No, no, no, what's oh spice? Oh spice makes you smell like a Billy go don't know when you play the whore I don't put that on does it? No, I never smell good. Yeah, just under here. I put a whatever unscented Uncented you use lotion your land. Do you ocean your body? Sometimes I'm a lotion guy, but I don't lotion my stomach. No, I lotion my from the kneecap down the foot. You know

Yeah, that type of shit. What about bats you like bats, too? What are you fucking? I Love the bathroom, you know, you know what I like a bath But when I have a bath, I'm sitting there thinking I don't know I like when it's a bigger shower that I could sit on the floor. Yeah Yeah, what if I want to have a bench in it they could sit down and yeah But that means I got to sit with a thousand other people put their fucking assholes

You build the bathroom, I think I always take a little towel to put my ass Hold on so I don't get fungus and I still on the floor and get the longest distance of the shower It steams up. Mm-hmm. I get the blackheads out steam is the best It's the best if you can put a steam in your shower I'd way better than the sauna, but the steam there's nothing like taking a steam a sitting in a steam shower steam room I love I wish I could move into a place Like a building that has like that. There's a building in Marina Del Rey. It's expensive But there's everything there

Supermarket the movie theater the tail of the Baker Rouse is in there Bank of America's in there. That's what I need It's down I'm getting old now That's what I need man Is it a good deal to move in there? I don't know. I think you got a bite of condo or somebody's got to die You got to go on a list. Really? I knew this guy about fucking 15 years ago I'm at the laugh factory one night and this guy comes up to me It's got to be 60 years old

He says my name is Mike. I'm from the Bronx You killed me tonight. He goes nobody else laughed. I was the only guy howling because I got every word you said I got how long you've been out of these at 30 years. I go 35. What are you been doing? He goes, you know the show running to the steel. I go. Yeah, he goes. I'm the creator Wow, he goes. I'm out here tonight. I was looking for a different girl for a show But it's really nice to meet you. Who's your agent? I told my agent He goes, I'm gonna be in touch with you man. He goes, you know anything about bookmaking when you were talking about go Yeah, can I talk to me six months later? He did he would take me out to lunch in Hollywood and we talk about bookmaking

He'd take notes for me and stuff And then one day he invited me to his home because do you want to come down to Marina Doreen right a little with me? And I went all the way down there and I Unfucking believable you pull up ballet parking. Is it called the bill of Fontaine something like that and they it's huge It looks like a stadium. You found it Lee The one bed start out 24 35 and three beds are 41 30 41 31 a month How much four thousand one hundred and thirty dollars for how many bedrooms three? That's not bad How is it and what do they got they got everything there, right?

It says they have Explored the marina marketplace and all the local favorites such as gelson's market where we have the convenience every doorstep without the bus of the city Everything they got everything down there. It's it's someone down there a couple times, right? Cool, dude. We went and pitched. We couldn't sell it. You know, it was just a little too edgy There was no internet then there was nothing then you know, we went to USA. We went to FX FX 16 whatever that is FX 18 We went to a couple places and please still kept in touch with me But the other thing I didn't know

Was that he was writing all those movies at lifetime all those years Excuse me, those are the weirdest Scripts because in those days somebody signs with lifetime and you just keep writing movies from so he was dick van dyke All right, it's dick van dyke and his son So, you know, I'm moving. I'm on my business and what's not gonna call and it's Mike and he goes dog I got work for you three days on the movie. You're playing a book. He goes. I wrote the role in it's a dick van dyke movie They got a bus to him and the son So he wrote me into this movie. He knew I was a dick van dyke fan. You know, he got me on the set for three days

That's nice. They play this company was very interesting They shot a movie every eight weeks They took a week off and they'd start a new movie. It was like one of those be like the movies, maybe it was all lifetime Okay, yeah, they just shot all lifetime. This has to be 2002-2003 I was talking to the guy and I'll tell you they paid that they told you in the beginning. Listen, if You want to do this you could do this if you know, we pay a scale listen, we've had

Everybody do this So don't give me your song and dance Everybody did these things like the one I did had fucking people in it Like I forget what I didn't give a fuck because it had dick van dyke Right and he was cool as shit his father and his son his son and not his father But you know what these people did that never forgot about them. I worked three days and all three days There was a basket a present And all three days nice and a bottle of champagne nice it cost to make dollars when you get treated you understand me

I never ever forgot these guys and in fact we shot at a bar They go we're just gonna take over the bar and drink and one of the guys was smoking dope The director was smoking dope and I go you guys smoke pop with dick van dyke around He goes he's an a a guy. He don't give a fuck about weed So right that's but they shot a movie Lee Every eight weeks one week off. Were they writing them to? Probably this they were just a machine They probably had it down on the side. They had it down to a science

Well, they were they like the it was like kind of like Dick Wolf did specials They did lifetime right? Oh, they probably made so they would just write for Nick tutorial So it would be yeah, Nick's got a sixth movie deal a six-picture deal So Nick's gonna do three this year and three next year, but we also have the chick from The chick that from CBS they had her at the time so it's her so you would basically work for eight weeks Then you'd have nine weeks off You would work eight weeks, then you have nine weeks off. That was the rotation right pretty fucking cool Yeah, and I talked to the guys as I thought we just come back

And blasted no overtime by the way Seven to five. Yeah, no overtime. They didn't eat overtime. No, they were so good. No over time Quick looks people are small. Yeah, quick looks quick. They were to they framed to a head Yeah, they were like a soap opera type fucking angle I was interested into eight million of them. That sounds like you know, man He got me one and then he offered me one day and another one like a year later Did he give you a good one like a good the bookie one was good. I still got the reel Yeah, I weigh about they pay that they pay like they must have paid the top star is something I

The company it was really weird because he was saying, you know, this company. This is what they do It was like years ago, man, you know when I was first under my PD blue. I Got like a movie at a week. I remember I couldn't believe like an offer came in was like and I I basically turned it down because I was gonna do a play. It was a lot of money and then I was I was saying oh man I fucked up. Why did I do that? And then what didn't went to Matthew Perry and then he didn't want to do it So I was able to get it back I was like, man, I was almost gonna blow You know a hundred and twenty five thousand or something to start like a movie at a week

But you could make some nice coin and you're in your hiatus back then if you want TV at a TV name So by the way, you were you know a commodity, you know, but you can't you can't find that shit today Don't matter who you are and you know, they bring them they don't do the movie of the weeks and all that shit I don't know nobody's doing it away with those things You know, I mean now you got to go and fight for guest spots. Yes, but guess what? Well, he's going through changes. I just caught it's the beginning stages. Is he yeah, what's going on with him? You can just look over and you can see him like he gets very sad. He thinks that he thinks that Jerusalem He thinks of the old country

Ah He gets all sad and shit Someone stole my credit card and tried to buy Jamaican food. So it was a bad night. When was that was this last night? $38 of Jamaican food. Oh, really? I don't know. Well, then they knew it wasn't me. They did it. Yeah, they knew I wasn't eating Jamaican food So I'm surprised my credit card company. I mean listen listen. That's all right Let's pretend that the they caught it and also they go right type of Lisa I have a picture you came up with that shirt I'm looking like you do right now and they said let me ask you a question. Does this guy look like he gets Jamaican food

What do you think the question? No, he gets good food. I can tell he knows what he likes And he's never been to a Jamaican restaurant before in New York bullshit. Oh, this is shit that wine With the edible fucking makes this feel like mushrooms. Yeah. Yeah I like it. It's a little peanut. I like it. It's very nice. Yeah. Did you finish your one? Absolutely. I like you know, he knows my favorite. Did you eat another star? Yeah, of course. Well, I'm warm. Sure. When do you drink one? I never one drink. I hate I don't but when I do I like peanut. Let me ask you something How many tutorials are there in the acting business? there's my brother

there's Iida my cousin me and My my son and my daughter, you know Interested but she's more interested. She's interested in more music, but uh There's three of us that I know of she had another sister who was talented. Iida, but she didn't She didn't really make a living at it. She was a musical theater girl, but uh As far as I know Three of us. Yeah, you weren't one of those acting class dudes. No, no To the South Village and I didn't like me with Monica

Oh, no, I was a freaking theater major for one year running around in tights and I didn't like it and all the kids I thought they were all kind of you know Fanook, you know, so I was like the same for me I I got to put tights on and stretch and I was making noises in the class and One of my friends who liked was one guy like me none of those people made it. It's so funny You know, and I did it one year there and vocal me me me me me me me me Like my brother does All that shit, I'm like I just didn't I

Not that I didn't want to act. I just didn't like all that Theatrical theater kids. So I you know after one year, I said, I'm not coming back This is not this is not what I thought, you know acting was but I think I wasn't that's I wasn't totally committed then when I got Committed later on I learned on the job, you know, I didn't have all the classical I took a class with this guy Bob Motica, but him I liked because he wasn't like your typical acting teachers Like if my father became an acting teacher, he was a bit insane Yet he's the stars coffee with a switchblade and You would have to do this exercise called the repetition

And he would speak like this and you basically had to put your attention on somebody They put their attention on you and you have to be honest. So you might say like well They might say like you're angry, you know, you have to be truthful. I'm angry. Yes, you're angry. Yes, I'm angry You're angry, right? I'm angry Yes, you're angry. Yes, I'm angry That bothers you yes, it bothers me it bothers you yes, it bothers me it bothers you yes, it bothers you If you had to stay in the moment, but if you were fake Motica would be like That's not it. He would stop the exercise but sometimes like if you didn't know what to say

He would write on a piece of paper that way was this at this was in Carnegie Hall. He was great this guy How much a month Robert X Motica back then? It might have been like it was kind of big. No, it was expensive back then maybe 150 a month or 200 I don't remember but he took a liking to me You know because he knew I was kind of like raw and I was like a caveman Because he didn't remember he talked to my because my brother studied with him a little bit and he played football Against him and his brother against my uncle Tony. It's a weird that we found this guy Motica He actually was almost in the Godfather. He was almost sonny Corleone

Because of Coppola. I spoke to Coppola. He said he loved Bob Motica this guy He had a little acting career, but he really teaching was his thing But I loved him because it was like my father who he was forceful, but educated Like, you know, he tell you sometimes to go outside. He was like an idea to say go outside and take a walk and Figure out why you're coming to the door Don't come until you know Right so one time I fucking like disappeared for 15 minutes. He came looking for me He goes you gotta come back

And I said I know Bob because you don't know you gotta come back And he liked me because you know, he was like I told my brother. I don't know what that kid wants to do But he's interesting. Nice to come in with my dormant in uniform. He's like hey general It was a dormant around the corner. He goes you just in the neighborhood You forget just stop by I said because you have to try to get in when people were working You had a listen the door was a black that said Robert X Motica It was kind of a scary door and he's over there with the switch blade and fucking moving the desk around He was a great guy. He was actually in a movie with me federal hell. He played like my dad

I gave him a bath. It was weird working with him because then I became an actor and I was like giving him But he but in the classroom, he was great. I mean, you know, I guess say I but I am more or less learned on the job I wasn't Classically trained like, you know, my brother and all that. Well, it wasn't my thing. I don't knock it I think it's great, but I had to do it over. Maybe I would do all that All that shit, you know and work on my body and learn how to stretch That's why my brother my brother, you know, he slays on the ground. He stretches and when you hear him do his fucking vocal warm-up Oh

Me It sounds crazy. I go, what are you doing John? I'm warming up warming up my voice Nick You know, I'm like, okay. I did a play with him on time. He was in the theater doing all those noises and he goes Come come stretch with me Come stretch with me. Oh, he's very funny You know, I did this whole epidural thing because I have two bulging this so I couldn't walk a couple weeks

Go so he goes I said I'm having side effects and he goes. That's why you shouldn't do The needles and I said John John. I can't walk and stand. That's a different story But uh, you know, but it's funny when I'll say something that he repeats it back and I'll say something he repeats it back I'll try to tell him about my cataract who had a cataract surgery. So what kind of surgery was it? Was it a cataract? Wasn't it? You know, it sounds like insane. We say goodbye to each other like this. All right, Nick I'll see you. All right. I love you. All right. Take it easy. Bye. Bye, John. Bye. Bye. Good. Bye All right, good hearing your voice. Love you. We say goodbye for like five minutes saying goodbye All right. Bye. Bye. Did you grow up close to Iita?

No, you know, Iita was in Manhattan. Her father was an artist so she grew up very different than us She grew up more like Bohemian Because my uncle my father's brother was a crazy artist talented guy very smart But all that other brothers were in construction So we grew up in the suburbs. She actually grew up like a Manhattan and a synagogue She had a way different upbringing than me. So is that why she was so good and there's a problem. That's because it was her Yeah, she's wild. You know, I wrote a little something that we're gonna do this month And she is she is freaking wild. I mean, she's talented, but she makes me look like I'm normal her add is

Oh, she's off the wall when she gets going You know, um, so I gotta I've never really worked with her. I gotta my brother said just make sure your hands are up Keep your hands up He loves uh, I love her too, but uh, she's she's definitely she's uh, she's out there. You have to meet her She's like she's like you toward the force Big presence comes in the room tears you apart. She'll tear you apart You know, she tears him and she sounds delightful. I don't know when I was auditioning for She is I mean it in affectionate way when I was auditioning for the sopranos

That was the big Search at that time It wasn't that they were looking for characters as much for a woman to play toni's sister. Oh, yeah He was had a big to do with her. He loved her They did a play on Broadway together and I think he fell in love with her And I heard he was a a mensch of a guy. He helped a lot of people He helped a lot of people gave people money. He helped the cast get more

You don't find guys like that on television shows So she loved james and uh, and james loved her. I think he fought for her. He fought for her to get the part But uh, you know, they were great together. They were great together. I mean that was iconic That is like that that stuff that sopranos I never seen anything like that I mean I go through phases where I will not put it on And then I'll put it on every night for a month like this was the first holiday That I didn't put it on like I usually put I'll go crazy. I'll do two seasons in three nights. Wow

You know the carmela parts. I'll speed through all she's good. She's good But if it's not necessary, but he's the guy that drives the show. I miss him. You fucking love him. He's one guy I really miss he was at my mother's funeral I tell you john directed him in a movie and You could tell he was a special guy. He had a he had a big soul like I you could tell He saw this one movie and I broke down crying. He goes It was about my family and he actually played like my dad and Yeah, I didn't know him that well, but he goes out of that movie affected you, huh?

I said, yeah, he had no fucking idea how it affected me But you could tell he was he was a deep guy Dark guy a deep guy, but people loved him. I mean It's a shame that he passed so young Man was a shame because so talented too But uh, yeah, she I mean, you know, she's great. I mean she's uh, it's gonna be fun to work with her I will see how it's gonna I've never really like done anything with her. So this is kind of funny. She was texting me today like

I need to talk to you. I need to know I'm like, I'm playing the cool. I'm like, yeah, all right. We'll talk. We'll talk So I wrote something for her You know, but I I mean, I think she should be doing much more. She's very funny too But they don't know how to use her, you know this industry like they don't know how to use people What has she been doing since the surprise she's been doing little guest spots this that but she's so much I saw her on this brooklyn nine nine. She's like she's great. And then they chop it up You know, sometimes you do a tv show. They just chop you they chop it up. It's so choppy

I was helping her memorize her lines at home because she's like a little slow She likes to write her lines out and I just I work I work faster because I'm just I'm That's how I worked in television You know, I always learned how to work fast with tv But um, but she's got her own, you know for additions now nick. It's a complete different game And it's so we and I don't even know how to audition anymore. I don't even know how to audition anymore like now This last one I went in for I prepared so much for it on my own. I went over over over wrote it out Wrote it out went to sleep got up at four

Went over it again after we dropped Mercy off me and my wife went over over over over over And it's like, uh, I'm not disenchanted I just know that even though you go in there already got somebody in mind I'm very nice that you brought me in. Thank you very much But I'm not even in the fucking game anymore. That's fine. I mean, I'm not I'm not disappointed as much as I thought I would be, you know But no, no, I forgot how to do it. That was my favorite part of it My thing was doing the work. That's why I got pissed off. It's not gonna go to wardrobe and of course an audition is not a

It's not it's not a performance. It's an audition. Some guys are good at it. Some may be better than others That's that's my thing. I really yeah, I mean, I there are times that I love it And then there are other times I just feel like I'm all you know, sometimes I'm not there I just sometimes go and then sometimes when I'm there I really come out of there feeling like wow, I did something You know, you you know when you did something good and then you know when you're off Sometimes you just often sometimes you're on but I never

Think that that's like, you know, the final You know, that's why I like look at it as If you really want someone That's not to tell all, you know, I've not been that lucky with auditions in my life. I've gotten some I've gotten some, you know, I mean, I actually NY was a young young guy NYPD blower I only read for them I never went to the and then have to go through that network. That's horrible if you ever have to test

And you have to go, you know to the studio. That's a nightmare. That's a nightmare. That's nervous breakdown. That's what I was doing No, I've seen guys that do and and I was with guys when I had my own pilot at CBS guys I brought in like somebody like Billy Gardell. I was trying to get him hired as my brother Everybody goes he don't look like your brother I said, yeah, but maybe he's adopted. I was like fighting for him I was you know, and I remember, you know in front of them coming to the network and then you hear what people say It's terrible, you know, and I'm like because I've been on, you know, and you've been on the other side I knew what that was like, but that's why I always like it gave my all

What other actors when I was the few times that I ever was like on that side of the fence It was interesting to see a lot of guys that come in, you know, there were famous guys too that were like, hey, I read for you I said, yeah, I know They said, you know, you didn't hire me. I was like one time one of the Baldwin brothers said that to me I was like, oh, well, I didn't you know the guy was being a bit of a jerk I let it go You know, I what this is is it's a weird thing. It's a weird thing. It's amazing. How good I got at them that

How I would take rooms and fucking demolish them Four or five people in the room I would fucking them the the peter seagull edition for the longest yard Was a very blasé audition. Yeah, it was till this day. I don't know how I got it because the reed was horrid Oh, it was horrid. I had sent the tape in and read with him No, I think my audition was was okay. It was I mean, I didn't know what it was going to be I don't I had no idea what that part was going to become The the beauty of that part in brucey is it became on paper? It was nothing

And sandler added so many things for me Then 95% of it made the movie. But really on paper brucey was Was really not not a big deal and it became a beautiful part But I gotta give adam because adam was like he fed me the ball I have to toro say that haven't he didn't know me that well But I went in there with an idea My brother told me that he goes if he sees you're funny You know, he'll pick up on that just go in there with something

And that's why I went in blazing with the haircut that this that I I didn't really know what I was going to do But it became a great part and and there was nothing on paper. What was your first big audition? first big audition um Like in front of like beside the spiky movies Yeah, like in new york early. I went like uh for my cousin vinnie Really? I was up for that. I didn't get it. Obviously, but who was the casting director. Do you remember? I forget it might have been it might have been a big one like yeah

Lynn something I forget his name. He was actually a big now Who else was up for that role when you went down to the wreath? Who else did you see? I don't remember You know Who I saw or anything like that. I just know that I was I was pretty I was almost in this movie alive Frank Marshall movie That was a big audition. They liked me a lot

This that movie where they all eat each other on the plane the team So I was almost I had a big scar on my head. I remember I got banged my head five o'clock in the morning had this big scar when I went in for that movie alive And I came close And I was close on an olive a stone movie. I was a young guy. He said olive a light show He never even picked up his head Born on the 4th of july it was like big movies that I was like I was being like, you know, I don't know who I was but that was a good sign

That was a good sign that people like they like you. They like you. You're like your roar is a button But they fucking like you and then I nailed the pilot the year before nypd blue I had with wit thomas. They called me on the door As I'm and the guy goes you got to get on the plane, baby I didn't like that. I go why tomorrow morning you get a test. I came out to la man I was walking around and fucking sunset boulevard with a powder blue leisure suit This is what I wore. I went to the cbs Jeff Sugansky was the president and I went in front of cbs

With a powder blue leisure suit peter dobson was the star. He had a lot of pilots back there. Yeah And I had a hat on my head and went back to my agents after the fucking Um, I remember I was going up against this other guy from chicago and the guy was a nice guy He goes, uh, you're gonna get the part not me. I said, I don't know I don't know shit and then my agent goes what I said the guy said you look like the lead guy I went crazy. I said what I don't look anything like that fucking guy You're not gonna give it to me because I look like the guy the guy called the agency peter dobson He liked me. He said don't worry. Don't worry. You're gonna get it

Just go back home Let them bring in guys with blonde hair and blue eyes. You watch you're gonna get this pilot I was so fucking angry again. I don't look nothing like you peter. He goes. I know I know I was so pissed, man I fucking went home. I sweated it out. The way it's like a way to say so peter dobson was the lead He was the lead. He read with me in front of the network. Some guy named jeff sagansky The president president goes he looks like him And so I went back to the president. I know I said I don't look nothing like the motherfucker Pete I don't look like you. He goes. I know

Just a yes to him and shake his hand So fucking funny and then they casted me with michael woodfield who was in who was the other guy who was in my cousin vinny And and the funniest thing happened to me in la. We were at the formosa cafe with peter dobson and I'm fucking really naive and he goes. Hey jody forster's there And my brother knew jody forster. I don't know. I was gonna I was gonna go up to her And they go, you know jody's a dyke or something like that No, this is a true story

So i'm on the telephone talking to him. I don't know if it was my brother or somebody I go. Yeah, I met jody jody forster jody the dyke I yell it loud the tables. She's right there She fucked like a piece of bread or a napkin like threw it at me these guys were peeing in their pants She didn't I had to tell my brother said yeah called jody forster I didn't know she was right there to go did she throw it at me mean And then she was and they were like no she threw it at you like giggling like what's wrong with you So, you know the next day in the studio, they were like, oh jody the dyke's looking for you Do I like I wouldn't stop wouldn't let me live it down

But my god, they put me at the mandrian hotel I was living the dream. I had a pilot better days. I wore a turban in one scene And the show didn't get picked up. I remember in the spring when I get picked up I was like, oh fuck there goes my career. And then a year later. I uh I uh, I was up for fucking nypd blue But then they were like, you know, is he mexican? Is he this easy? I said, uh, yeah, I could be There's a Puerto Rican tell them a little Puerto Rican because they liked me But they said does he have any hispanic blood?

You know, and I was like, yeah, I got it somewhere in my ass. I don't know Don't fucking take it away from me because I'm not Puerto Rican. I'm new york. I'm new york. This is a new york show So they kept me on a fucking string for like a few months And my agent was like, don't worry, baby You're gonna get it, honey. You're gonna get it and I didn't know I was like, are you sure I'm gonna get it? I had a nervous breakdown. I had to take a leave of absence when I was a doorman because I got Sick this morrigan who

This agent Morty lisak, he's a big agent. Okay, but he used to talk like that. Hey, honey What the fuck are you doing? We had a great relationship You mother fucker. What happens to the dude who stole the check? The check. Oh that guy. No, he's a criminal the sixth grand Oh, oh that guy with the bulging eyes. No, Marty's big shot. Marty went to cAA That guy was a criminal. Well, why I ever let that guy in my in my life

Tells you how stupid and dumb and crazy I am because people said I had a guy Came over my house when the bulging eye guy was hanging around And he said nick is that guy with you and I said, yeah They said you can't have a guy Crazier than you represent you can be crazy because you're an artist This guy's out of his fucking mind and I didn't know he was a criminal He stole the money and then gave me a check that bounced after he fucking stole the money Then I told I said you're fucking dead

Not only did you steal the money? I caught you And now you give me a check that bounced on top of it What a fucking crypto big bulging eyes. I'm doing world trade center. He's behind nick cage and everybody and nick cage goes Does he represent you and your brother? I was like, no, nick. He's a little wacky. I said, I got to get rid of this guy. I got to get him out of my life I had a great agent. I had a great agency. You ta So you didn't get him out of your life. You got it. I did but he got fucking he was embezzling money or Yeah, he went to jail. He used to call me from jail. I said don't call me no more. I don't want to

I don't want to hear this shit. What's time that he do I take him to a fucking meeting I tell him shut the fuck up in the room. Don't open your mouth Because I one time I was at an HBO meeting I'm pitching something my brother's on the phone his mouth almost opened my brother said who was in that room I said some fucking wacky bandage. You go. Don't don't bring that guy Don't bring that guy in the room. I said, yeah, I know I know because I tell him shut the fuck up I said no shut the fuck up. Keep your mouth shut Dear here to meet me. This isn't this is a meeting about you know, I'm about talent

You don't know you're gonna fucking say stupid shit. You look like Johnny Gumbach with bulging eyes Dressed apart. You're supposed to be a manager Oh, what I could write a movie about this fucking guy And his name is one of the names on Seinfeld. That's the hilarious thing. It's one of the characters on Simon That's his fucking name say something when he used to come to the center the longest yard You remember him? Yeah, he's out of his mind. I saw him afterward. I went somewhere He didn't get me that job. I gave I he didn't get me. No, he's the funny thing. I went somewhere and somebody I knew

Got up from a table and came over and said alone. I gave him a hug right and where he went back to sit that dude was there so immediately He came over and says hello and he's the stick out like a sore thumb. Yeah. Yeah. I met him in church years ago I didn't know Yeah, this is where I fucking met him in church And and and you know, I had my suspicion about him But I was always like, you know, always like street guys. I had this stupid way about me Like I was established with UTA with with legitimate fucking people not Johnny Gumbach with bulging eyes

Who are their other clients who him? Yeah, who is I was his biggest client and and he would drop my name But you look bad if you go nick is with him that doesn't look good for nick Nick's got to be with somebody that when I had Marty had good people, you know, I walk in the room with wb I got a deal cbs. I got a deal Can't bring this a lunatic into a fucking meeting with cbs. They're gonna go. Why are you with this man? I got to put a cork in his mouth Because he just would sound like a buffoon. He dressed like I didn't yell at him. He'd go. Yo, should I try to hurt my feelings?

Yeah, I read I robbed it shut the fuck up Shut up when you go in the room act apart Play your part Don't open your mouth. Don't get in my way. It's not about you I'm here. I was a good pitcher back then. I knew how to fucking pitch And then a maniac like this could fuck me up. Just look Please go through changes. I don't think I want to be a manager anymore. Why not? I know let me tell you that guy

I have my hair rises, you know, you see it. I see it You said when I See it, you know it. You know it right off the bat. I should have known better I'm really that was a really everybody in my life told me. Why are you with him? And but he was a hustler and he would you know, and I was at the time I got like, you know, I'm not getting the attention this that but you don't op that way You don't go from the major leagues to like some fucking it. You know international Bullshit league playing with this guy because it looked he looked bad

You know, so I thought I figured let me give him a chance and then I started going to other agents But he was always He was just a disaster this guy to have him You know represent you just look bad for you sounds like bill marion. What about bob? He just like kept falling you even after You had to see his eyeballs You had to see the eyeballs to see his eyes the fucking eyes. You could tell he was he's bugged out He is fucking I don't know if he was doing drugs. I don't know. I couldn't figure out if he was doing drugs He still calls me, you know anybody and I'm like, oh my god, cuz

So he had to pay restitution. Yeah, he paid restitution. He's in vegas now some What's he doing? I don't know what the fuck he does. God bless him. I don't wish him any harm. He's not a bad guy Those guys just keep going those guys. I was one of those guys. So I know exactly how you know, but I always you know I always liked an attraction a street guys this that I was like lunatics, but this is business You can't have a lunatic on your team When you try if you're a little wild in a room, that's different. You're autistic. You're creative. They understand that But you have your business guy who's a wackadoo That don't look good. You're like, well, why is he that doesn't fit?

Why are they together and I used to get some weird You know, I used to try to cover it up and play it off like He's okay. He's hustles. He's a bad guy. He means well, you know, let's say about take him on the side Just just don't say don't say don't open the eyeballs that that really got people Yeah, no, he freaked people the body language He's I mean, you know, he's a character that if I ever write that character, you know into something fantastic Nick, let me tell you something about fantastic way before we had to be It's 2017

This had to be 2002 I was stuckly I didn't know what the fuck to do And I met this dude this dude hit me up on the hotmail He's a record producer. He's worked with all these people But he wants to switch into comedy comedy is making a comeback brother Let's do this comedy thing, man. I'm gonna tape your first cd type special. I got contacts and hbo I was like, okay, I met him a few times never asked me for money or nothing. This one on for about six months

I'm looking at this guy one day, bro. He had no fucking teeth Holy shit, he had like cracked teeth. How many days did it take you to realize that? I don't want to look at people, man. I would look at his eyes. You know what I'm saying? I wouldn't really look at his fucking mouth He had all rotten fucking teeth and he's telling me that he was a record producer, but now I'm thinking I'm like, oh boy I made a mistake. All right. He gets me a spot. They used to be a club downtown. I don't know what happened to it They moved like 10 times. They were just fucking thieves these people I did a show down there one that I did Tom like us

Yeah, man at the time Nobody knew Joe Diaz was nobody knew what it was But there was 40 50 people that this guy comes over at the end of the night gives me like 35 dollars Like, are you fucking kidding me? That's the night and get into the fight with early g It was just a horrible fucking night. But in the meantime, this guy was supposed to tape both shows He had people there. He had brothers there. Look at dog. I'm going out of pocket for you, man This one you're gonna be the first artist on my label

And he he had wires and microphones a week went by two weeks went by he finally called me back He goes, can I buy you lunch tomorrow? So the next day he tells me man, I don't know how to tell you this Something happened in that bar The temperature just zapped to record it What happened to record? I don't know what the fuck happened. They didn't tape it They didn't even tape it. There was nothing. They weren't taping it visually. They were taping it Audially, you know, like for a cd typed it

No, yeah, but there was Listen, you know, and I should have known I mean You know, I don't know what happened to me. I was at the time I think I was a little frustrated a couple of pilots that almost got on the air And my my agent had he had big big clients to a big tv guys drew carry all But he was great. We were you know, we had a great and I don't know. I just was like All right, I'll give this guy a shot, but you know, you let someone like that in your life You know, it's you don't let people like that

You don't let people in like that. This is business They could screw you up Because you know who you're with is a reflection on you So, you know, you walk in the room with this guy Johnny Gumbach from you know, he thinks he's Johnny Gumbach, but he's really like a character of himself It was just bad, you know, I was telling Lee Before you came we're talking about managers and agents And I was telling Lee about when I first moved he had a manager and he was the only guy

That he sat me down when then he was listening your your comedy career is not gonna blow up He goes, I can't sell you except the three people in this town like you and one of his mid t sure Because I think you should start going in for this character Nick this guy would send me an auditions those days I couldn't handle I'd fall apart in the seams Men in black I went in for a bunch of big movies broke the crests hard in the early days Going there and see actors. I'd shit my pants. Yeah, but you know what he got me chops and he had a plan and his plan

Worked and you know what years ago When I was trying to really work hard at comedy a couple years ago, this is the malook I am I would look at comedy clubs And if certain comics worked at that comedy club, I wouldn't work there There's times that mid-level managers have approached me That are pretty decent, but I don't want to be with the people in their lineup They might have a comedian. I don't want to be next to that lineup I don't want him name his name and my name mentioned in the same circle

You have to look at all those things. You know what I'm saying? Yeah So Why is a uh an audition for like a big like men in black movie different? I know like the location's different. Maybe I mean, is that it like the location of the people you're doing it for like? Why is it okay? Okay, so let's say I go to uh, uh, not hollywood gawa Let's say I go In for a mid-level movie. I'll go on somewhere on sunset when I booked the 18 wheels of justice

It was a place across the street from the strip club. What's the strip club on sunset there? That that almost burnt down the jews burnt it down on christmas three years ago during hollywood So they could have it out. It was hollywood. We wouldn't burn nothing down. We let the candles on What's that on sunset strip close to the comedy store? Is it the seven found the body shop? It's the body shop The body yeah, this place was a little building lee and you went in there You you took an elevator up to the third floor and you sat in the hallway you signed your name and you went there now Forget that shit lee forget it forget that bitch. You got to drive on to sony studios

Down there wherever the fuck it is You got a drive on you get out of your car. You got the sides. You got your headshot It's a beautiful day to be alive. You're breathing fucking oxygen on the walk there You see shows that are taping. You're just in a different environment. You have no fucking idea Okay, sometimes you go to sony and you walk past adam sandler's office and you keep walking Whatever You know what for the minute you walk in there you're fucking adrenaline's pumping now you go up you sign your name You studied this audition for 12 fucking hours. You know what inside out

You don't have to put your fucking glasses on that's killing me. You got to put your glasses on mid-breed, you know You have to know those lines and you have to prepare that audition already for the second call back So when I go in those days if I went in there for the first time That would be the first fucking read So think about that lee here you are walking on a fucking studio where films are shot I could because there's good students in bad studios. Well, no, no, no, no You're on a fucking studio where films are shot For a guy like me that was never gonna happen

That don't happen for a lot of people just to walk in the studio freely to go all the way down there I remember going in for NYPD blue at fox and walking all the way to the Bosco fucking building But here's the beauty of it. I go all the way down there It's a nine page audition for a columbian drug deal. I meet Danny trejo at the audition. Okay on the walk out I'm walking slow kind of depressed and I blew the audition And this lady comes on and she goes are you here to offer the audition and I go, yeah And she can read these lines and the movie was basketball and I got

Six weeks on the fucking movie really on the fox line on the walk out of That building was a cool building that building was tremendous. Oh, that was great evens building But you had to walk there. You had to walk down and it was eight fucking miles It was when it's when it's 80 degrees and you got black leather on because you're playing johnny bananas You got a black velour warm-up suit on and you weigh 350 And you're sweating the coke and the weed and the chinese food out of your system for the producers Uh, okay, so I went in for NYPD blue And they liked me the first time

And right away a week a week later. They called in For something else for if I would read for a janitor or something And I went in for a janitor and I didn't get it. I was in spanish enough All right They wanted to got to be Puerto Rican or Dominican. I'm cuban dog. It's a different spanish. I didn't get it and then I didn't hear from them for like a month And I got a call one day Jeff Gatlin calls me goes listen

I got a big fucking audition for you tomorrow. Do you have a coach and I go fuck? Yeah, and he goes we'll get this Jeff Gatlin loved those latin auditions And at the time I was already starting to hate him. I could see that I couldn't sell They would say thank you for coming in and when I did go to producers The producers would always go are you even spanish, right? I'm saying I go god damn it God damn it. Yeah, because I think you might be Italian. You might be yeah. Yeah So I get this thing and it's a Fucking columbian drug dealer god damn it

And it's a good one. It's like I don't know what the fuck it was. It was like nine pages or something I go in there. Danny trail's there a bunch of other spanish dudes are there. I shit my pants And I see Danny trail. He's in heat. Yeah, one of my chances He's in heat. Yeah, I've done a fucking nothing. I do spots at the comedy store I wouldn't then just fell apart. Well, I'm not trying to be rude But would you and Danny trail go off of the same role? They would look at everybody for every spanish Spanish people. Okay, and then he got it really a warm-up suit He wore the warm-up suit. I think I might have gone back. I think I might have been here. Yeah, I was there

Yeah, 1997 98. Yeah, finally went on. I wasn't there. No. No, I went on years later But I did so bad at that nine-page audition He didn't call me in again I went to acting class at a van a chubbock and I told the coach And I go to bathroom. Yeah, and he told me Write him a letter and I wrote him a letter and They brought me into something I booked it. Let me do the shout outs. Go ahead my all right, buddy Now guy go to the bathroom over here. I gotta do shout outs

Run run I won't be at you. Where's it downstairs Lee? No right next door. I'm sorry I gotta do the original shout out right here for my boys down in Midland motherfucking Texas To Isaac at the boys Mike Duffy loves you guys Take care of that cocksucker also the Smiles Panero

Marshall arts chat Dom De Niro my main man Matt Balthasar space monkey Sean Jacob Cabello Lawn Rosenka my brother there he is Chris Miller And the dead squad motherfucking family happy 2017. What's going on there Tarzan? How you feeling over there?

I'm feeling really good to have you around caluca casino is sold out It's a small room, but Cleveland uncle joey's coming. I'm coming for steep at mayo check. It's over I said it correctly. I know you can't do that ever again. I cancel it over again. No, no, it's weird. I don't like it I'll be there next thursday Friday and fucking saturday ready to rock cocksuckers What's going on with you brother? I'm doing really good, but I could tell you're going through changes right now. I'm going through changes, but I really feel like you missed your

You're calling as a member of a cuban Traveling band. I feel like that was must have been the life We were watching those videos before it blew my mind and I just Like I could do the cowbell and like travel the world Like that just seemed like you were born to do it. Well, you keep talking that nonsense. I'm not going to give you animals no more Fucking people they eat this weed and all some they get all fucking psychological on me. Let me talk to you about something I'm 53 years old I went to new york city

It wasn't until I went to new jersey Where I met italian people I must have gone to italian restaurants as a kid But once I got the real fucking taste When I went to jersey I think I first discovered italian food at catholic church Sister angela and stuff like that would make the fucking lasagna, but that wasn't none And still I moved to north bergen bro

And I felt in love with it It took me away from cuban food. It took me away from cheeseburgers To me, I had always eaten spaghetti with meat sauce. I had never seen spaghetti with sauces Meatballs and fucking regard cheese and crushed pepper and the cheese and I had never seen that shit before it blew my fucking circuitry So for fucking 40 years Everybody tells me about their fucking you got to taste my grave. You got to come over on something You got to chase my grave. You got to do this. You got to do that now after 20 years. You're telling me

You got to taste my grave So what's the story tell me the whole fucking story about nicky hot sauce Nicky red sauce All right, tell me the fucking story. I started making the sauce and uh You know fucking around with it and uh, I first came out the la and I You know, I started making it on my own and with sausage and pork and You know, it got better and better over the years Let's open it up. Let's put the malook on it. Fuck friends and family and then when I did chuck and larry

I made some sauce for adam and kevin james had some of it and he went wild So who made that I said I did So then his brother told me why don't we find a guy to uh mass produce it So years ago, we actually did make the sauce Is this a new batch or an old batch? No, this is brand new. This is a sample laughing because last week my week My friend made a slice of pizza sent it to me for christmas While the show was going we kept looking at a little fool on it. We kept looking at it looking at it looking at And he killed it like when the show was over. He just destroyed that slice of but we had this sauce

Well, let me tell you years ago right now, but we use a different tomato now This company's interested so the guy that made it originally Did a new batch of it, but it came out fresher and I think better than it was even and even you know Like my son had it and he was like wow, you know, it's not your typical sauce jar I'm not too my own horn. It's pretty damn good for a jar in the sauce Tremendous don't you it's a high-end sauce not cheap to make it either Yeah It's really good very good. Yeah. Yeah, there's the cheese in it

What cheese isn't the cheese? No, no, no Tastes like there's pomegranate cheese. No is why you eat that lizard meat and then you don't know what it is So this is the this is the nicky red sauce in the jar right now. What do you think it's up there? I mean I've tasted a bunch of high High-end sauces. I think this this they don't even come near this Tremendous for a jar sauce right vegan is it gluten-free? Well This one's probably not gluten-free So that's what this guy now it might be a little concerned about it

But the tomato he used this pristine tomato Gave it a fresher feel like a lighter feel It has a it cooked it with a pork rib bone, but it doesn't stay in there That's why it's got that that nice flavor because they use this pork But we could probably make something without the rib bone Maybe just one with the rib bone and then the others maybe for the gluten-free people And we can make a few at all. So rib bone is what has gluten No, it makes it not vegan. It makes it not vegan

They don't want that, you know, they think it's not, you know, not healthy that way But taste the sauce does this uh feel like pretty healthy to you? I think it does There's a bother. No, I don't feel no acid. It tastes it again. What the fuck taste it again? You don't know that they're why you sitting there with short arms Taste it. Y'all want to look at this thing? Wishing you could drink this fucking thing. Sure. What are you kidding me? Need more breath What do you mean smart and all your heart to make sure you don't double dip? Yeah, what the fucking double? Everybody gets on me about that. What do you mean who? I don't mind the double dip Everybody yells about yells at me. You got a double now. I'm gonna have to refrigerate it, but it's all right. We opened it

Who cares? It's so you like it, right? It's fucking pretty good But we get some money behind it. We'll see hilly right again Now if you just have it you don't know that maybe it was cooked with a rib bone To me, it tastes very Very fresh That's what I like about it. It's not heavy either. No, it's like I tried it on pastas The guy from he's from Connecticut This guy john asked a reader and called ultimate foods. He goes nick

It's one of the best I make sauces for a lot of people goes your sauce this one your recipe One of the best jaw sauces. Now. Let me ask you this. How much money does it take to launch a company like this? It takes a decent amount of corn a mill No, less than that, but but half a mill probably Yeah, and you're getting at the whole foods. Yeah those kind of stores I mean this company that might be interested in packing it Maybe they would just give me a royalty, but if they'll do everything and put it out there. I could be like, you know Be like the Paul Newman, whatever

I mean, I'm not gonna be as big as Paul Newman, but I don't mind if they'll you know, give me a decent royalty Not just completely. I don't want to just give it away because it's a good product and from this sauce we can make Three or four flavors You need a couple of flavors to be seen because in the supermarket if you have just one flavor It'll never find you so you're gonna have three four or five flavors ragu has ragu ragu mushroom Yeah, basil and tomato or mushroom. Get some sauce. Don't look up at the sauce this shit. Nikki red sauce is holding on I feel like i'm in prison right now Like we're eating out of a jar bread. I know, but it's great right party. It's tremendous

Yeah, you dip the fucking saw you dip the bread in the What's better than that? You gotta have more wine Joey Huh, you guys should have at least a sip of wine with the sauce. Yeah, well, you know My fucking Johnny what do you want some more? No, I gotta try I'm impressed. I'm tired. I mean, I always knew it was good, but it came out even better Look at the color of the color is fucking good, right?

It's red for all the audio listeners It's a really deep rich red. It's nice. It's beautiful. Yeah, tell your fans out that they would love this Nikki red sauce. So what are the main can you tell some of the main ingredients? I can't give away my recipe. No, let me ask you this. You have a website and everything not yet We're working on it. Yeah, and we'll let you know people. Yeah, we'll let you know. This is good fucking sauce. Thank you I don't fuck around. I mean, I I'm not gonna put out something. I got water for you You don't have to go down deep either say you're not really in Cuba. We're just stimulating you know, I'm saying look at you Lee, how you feeling when you got planned for the weekend?

What I got planned for I have a little bit of work and then uh, good shit, huh? You're not ziplining. How many bike right now? I saw this newly zipline. I wanted to It's so cool They they they like Set you up so you can go like flat and you zip like flat like an arrow That's what you need. That's what Obama can't drop. Don't you? Oh, there's a there's a there's one in Dallas But it's only thrills. I like I I'm have to go there I'm under the weight thing. It's part. It's cool

You're never under the weight. I am too stop bullshitting the last time you almost took the whole tree down They threw him out the name real yahoo report on him. He helped him. I don't want to even you cook Joey No, I'm not you don't do anything You know man, I know how to dope up shit. Yeah Like when I lived in colorado, I take prego and I put some meat in there some sausage some onions some garlic some wine I just doped up shit. I don't know how to make so let me show you this cowboy steak. I made the other night I want to see a fucking pretty steak. Now. What's a cowboy steak? It's like a giant It's a giant rib eye. They call it like um

They call it a tomahawk steak But it's fucking big on a big bone two and a half three pounds And they come out with it this time of year like Costco Costco had it It's delicious. It's some fucking steak. You slice it nice and it's big, but you can't overcook it I'll show you this thing. This is this thing is freaking nice I miss so you're a chef too. Yeah, I'm all right make the sauce and you're right You're producing. Yeah, I'm creative. You know, I am a father my father A man of many fucking look at that bad ass rib eye. That thing is beautiful. That's beautiful, right show Lee

He'll fucking pass out. I love it. But I can't you know, this is a tomahawk. Let Lee that's beautiful. That's a great steak That's a big steak. Oh, yeah, it comes on a big stick two and a half three pounds And then I made a little a little I made a little fuzz all this came out great with the eschegro Eschegro and beans that's what you call pasta fuzz all I love it. I love pasta fuzz y'all That's what we call the fuzz all fuzz all pasta fuzz all this this thing That's the best. Listen, you rub that on your herpes sauce. That's right. You're fucking done. You got hiv You eat that shit. You're done. You're done. You want to eat a crack cooker

You eat a pasta fuzz all you're done. Now look at the sauce I made on the whole fucking deal. That's what I need That's why I felt a lot of garlic in the pasta. Oh, yeah And then I made my my lobster sauce the other night. Did you check this shot? I killed the lobsters then I put them right in the fuck I buy them live I kill them and then I put them in the sauce and the sauce is unbelievable. It's lobster sauce. Look at that Is that a fucking sauce or what you put the lobsters in this sauce? Yeah Like that sauce I get the lobsters. I have to kill them first. I feel bad And then I crack them open. They get all the lobster juice

Basically, just put them in the nicky red sauce and it comes out like an incredible Lobster Prodiablo Tremendous with over linguine To die for with some clams a little clams a little shrimp on the side who's better than you right? Nobody. Nobody lead. Nobody Fuck Viagra. You get a heart on for 10 days. You got to call the physician the surgeon. Yeah, the priest Viagra. Oh my god What a thing, huh? What do you got going on for 2017? Talk to me my brother. You got the sauce at the sauce

I got this pilot. I'm shooting this month. This thing called over the hill Um, I wrote Bentley Evans. I eat is gonna be in it. Mikey raps bunch of people mike star You might come in and do something at teacurrera in it. I got a whole bunch of people that are gonna be in it So doing that then I got this movie coming out this month Warner Brothers the justice league. I'm a I'm a voice. It's a big deal like uh for all these people they These comic book fans that dc movie that I did So that's coming out this month and then next month is a little thing called the eyes that I'm in that got a theatrical release And then I'm trying to get a a southern movie off the ground as faith-based movie nice script

I want to get into that whole freaking faith-based crowd So there's a lot of opportunities there, but I actually got a nice script called call me luke You could be good for something in it. Yeah, it's a good script trying to do that for like, you know Small budget, but I gotta start, you know, I gotta make something. I mean that this other thing I gotta try to sell it I gotta get my ass You know my own thing because I mean I can do it. I just need The right network the right people to pick it up and give me a shot. You need to make a mill here a mill there A mill there a mill there, you know, we was going on over there. You're going through changes. You're in my cross

Give him some more sauce. He's over there. He's dry. You want some you want some more lee? Sure, sure. All right. Yeah. Hey, you got a boyfriend. No, you ain't got a boyfriend. Why because you're hanging out with those lemons They're lemons. They're coconuts. You hang out with small people. You got small friends You hang out with yo, yo people you get yo your friends. It's simple mathematics. I love those lines I'm always thinking about that. You ain't got a boyfriend. I'll tell you why because you're hanging out with coconuts They're coconuts. They're lemons Is that the one of the best movies rocky the original rocky? It's beautiful like Stallone was so beautiful in that movie Even the way he looked everything. He was so innocent

All right. Good night, Marie There you go, Lee Thank you, sir. All right, buddy. Enjoy yourself Hey, pizza's tough Stanley. Don't hurry it up guys. What's up? You want this house? See you guys are special. I brought you guys. I want to sit here like a fucking sample jar Delicious. No, that's tremendous. I can't imagine. I'm I tell you it's great. I can't imagine how this would be on pizza Oh, a nice little. I don't know if you want to put that on pizza because it's so good There's an art to making pizza too

You know it How you like the new haircut? I look younger. Don't I I've been going with the Look younger with the new haircut Unbelievable I can't believe it's been all those years as we did the movie. Oh, this guy's sending me. All right. Here we go These guys are I sent you a 20 page presentation on one of these days. You'll learn to trust me. I don't trust anybody You know, I don't know the food business has like Paul. He goes. What do I know about the restaurant? I don't know how to make a restaurant. He's on a water and eat You know anything about this fucking joint?

And he's I would say you could be there so much that I could be a stoolie We're watching that last night with the kids. Uh watching good fellas laugh my fucking ass off that joe peshy Oh my god, I'm in the weeds of sea cork. Yeah, there's big pricks coming around here. I'm resting. I was saying resting Yeah, I'm resting. I love that that movie every time He's so good. It's so funny. The movie is so funny. It's become a comedy like scarface. Yes It's like scarface. I giggle my ass off. You pee at lines that where you going, man Yeah, you're you're shaking I got a lot of things to do

The lines that are not even jokes Yeah, hey Montana hey Montana I want to talk to you. I got you. You got a you you want a green card? What do you got to do? Oh, what do you got to do head go to go to kuba hit the men Yeah, somebody else or somebody else. Yeah Do tell me be a pleasure to kill a communist if there's a those movies now Like for me when I see a time I could watch it for 10 minutes 15 minutes and I get sad I know I get really sad. I know, you know what that was something that I was great

I still remember when that came out Going to people's houses and staying there till eight nine in the morning doing coke While that movie was on over and over, you know, it's great and it's sad to the ending. You know, you feel bad He go when he went the other night. It was on the other night and he's when he's telling his sister I'd be with you. I'd be with like a little boy But you know, if you didn't kill Manolo, they might have killed all those chibados That's what my father said. My father was funny. He used to get into movies and say Nicholas He should have never killed Manolo. They would have killed all those motherfuckers

And it's true. He's like he never should have killed his best friend. You know, all right. They got married He was all is all a coke, you know all that cocaine And fucking so You know, they were nicky red sauce. Yeah, nicky red sauce nicky red sauce The acidic nicky red sauce from the tutorials from the tutorial brothers I gotta bring Johnny into this. Let me tell you something if you had nicky red sauce The acid from the tomatoes kills the cocaine and makes you go to sleep, right? All right, that's why you wait you have a slice of pizza to sew her up

You know why the oil from the pizza if you eat a slice of pizza you won't get blasted Is that there's something about pizza and the oil? It'll help you not to get a hangover or get really blasted. Have a slice of pizza before you're gonna drink No, really or back in new york the best fucking thing we go to white castles get 30 belly bombs late at night I love a white castle two of them is the limit. I go to I get two doubles steam in seattle Do you remember that old place dicks? We went up to the dicks, but it's right. It's not bad It ain't it ain't white cast white castles. You gotta get him steamed. That's how you do it. I always get two doubles steamed Yeah, how many can you eat Pepsi to just two belly bombs my son could probably eat like what 10

He's he's fucking young. I had friends like 45 of them 15. Yeah, he could eat. Yeah When you're fucking 18 you could eat 20 of those mother fuckers appetite I don't even want to ask how many we could eat. I don't like them. I don't think that I don't like onions You don't like onions How you feeling brother? You all right Starting to go through changes. He's going through changes. I see him now boy. You ready for another star. Sure. Why not? Fucking you eat the sauce the sauce is fucking delicious. I can't stop Put them in the sauce. It's delicious. Thank you. Tell you listen is nicky red sauce

Follow me Follow me on twitter You know what I mean? You guys gotta This thing is gonna be good. We need to support sit here And I really don't like sauce. That's not warm ever. Yeah, I was gonna and I was like, you know what? I'm gonna try a cold Sometimes you have a sauce And you could it's too olivey. It's two of this guys want to taste it. It's two of that

Get a piece of bread. Hurry up before I kill that motherfucker when I was there. I've never liked Just tomato sauce on bread. Oh, this is delicious This is how you eat man Lee Eat like a champ over here. That's good. This is old school fucking pesad type shit. Yeah That's what we do, you know, let the prosciutto put the mozzarella bottle of wine Yeah, the bottle of wine some water a couple two two roots two two roots some stars of death Here you go. Let me move on with our lives We'll be back next week people. I love you at all my my fucking heart

Like I said caloosa sold out, but I'm in cleveland at halavity starting next thursday Nick tutorial once you get the sauce going and we'll bring you back on it's delicious You know, I wouldn't even bring I don't bring food people never your family. You said it's the best. It's the best jack Thank you, bro. Lee. What are you got going on this weekend? What are you gonna do? You're gonna zipline No, long, you know, we're going back to Long Beach to the zoo. You left your hat No, I'm I'm uh, you know the traveling man this weekend. I'm not traveling. All right. I love you cocksucker Oh, hold on Let's do uh real quick listen people. You know, I don't play games at you guys

I've had this thing for three months now and I love it Hello to a she.com. Oh, why do I love it? Because it's a bidet. What does a bidet do? I'll tell let uncle joey tell you it shoots hot water in your muffler That's it think about that right now take a minute right now rest for five minutes close your eyes And think of hot water sprinkling up into your muffler every morning to start your day after coffee because usual. All right, you sit down You get a little coffee. You smoke a cigar cigarette All right, you take your heart blood pressure medication You smoke a joint maybe two and right away you got to go to the bathroom

Right there you go, maybe maybe I'm missing something on the news But when you sit down now at the end of that 20 minutes, you just turn around boom And who's there for you? Hello to she.com sprinkling water into your little muffler Like a sprinkler you know I'm saying It's like a sprinkler without the mexican Just sprinkling water into your muffler. You get up you wipe it with their new towel Go to hello to she.com. They got a little towel. It's got

Different aromas and I forget what the name was I used it two times my wife watched it She didn't give it back to me, but it's fucking tremendous. You understand me It avoids bacteria. It avoids crotch rot and just your ass won't smell no more We all have that problem. Don't be ashamed. You know, you want to go out and let six in the morning You go into a bar at eight o'clock at night. What the fuck do you think? Yes? I was gonna smell like It's polluting. It smells like Tony Montana's wife. You know what I'm saying? That's where hello to she comes in hello to she's portable And you have the 60 day guarantee do me a favor go to hello to she that come right now and press in

Hello to see.com slash church. I believe hello to she.com slash church and get whatly 10% off 10% off, all right Again, you got a 60 day warranty. I love the fucking thing. They've sold thousands of them I get emails every week people are happy. They take pictures with the box You'll be happy also also on it calm bitches Go there right now. You're making your little resolutions. You want to eat better? You want to sling dick? It starts at honor.com. Whether it's the alpha brain or the hem force protein Or the mike dolce protein

Or the the new mood or the shroom tech sport They got you covered go to honor.com and look at all the great supplements. They have right now Go to the box and press in church. Boom. Get 10% off Your first order delivered right to your motherfucking door. All right And then basically that's it. That's our show tonight again Go to honor.com and go to hello to she.com and press in Church and by both church church and get 10% off your order with a 60 day warranty. It's a beautiful thing For your asshole to be clean. All right. Have a great weekend. I love you guys

I'll see you monday stay black and have a phenomenal weekend. All right. Don't forget about me. Beautiful I Now You We shared it's Love together We found a way But soon the world

Had it's evil way My heart was blinded Love went to spread You I'm going You You It took so long

To realize And I can still hear Her last goodbye Now all my days Are filled with tears Wish I could go back And change these years I'm going through changes

I'm going through changes And I can still hear You