Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #445 - Joey Alvarado

Episode Date: January 9, 2017

Joey Alvarado, creator of kettle-jitsu and the KB Strength and Conditioning 8 week program, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.    Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Watch Joey's Special, "Sociably Unacceptable" Now!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/08/2017.
    

Kick that horse, Lee. Uh. This show, The Church of What's Happening Now, is presented by Onnit. This show is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter allows you to post your job on all of the top

to 200 of the plus job sites including social media. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church right now to post your jobs for free. ZipRec recruiter.com slash church right now to post your jobs for free zip recruiter.com slash church this show is also brought to you by me undies go to me undies.com slash joey right now to get 20 off of your first order plus shipping is always free in the u.s and canada that's me undies.com slash joey. This show is also brought to you by Helix Sleep. Helix Sleep is where you can buy mattresses online,

customized for you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. Go to helixsleep.com slash joey and get $50 off of your order. That's helixsleep.com slash joey. Oh, shit. The first real Monday of the motherfucking year. Lee. The first real Monday

of the motherfucking year. The church of what's happening now, bitches. Little Motley Crue getting the party started. Oh, shit. Moves like a cut. Are you kidding me or what? Lee Syed.

My little Jewish flying friend, and my main man, Professor Joey Alvarado, dropping in to start the year off on the right motherfucking foot. Here we go. That's right. Here we go. Pick that mule, Lee. Blow up the speakers. I want the computer to blow up. Fuck Apple.

Ugh. blow up the speakers. I want the computer to blow up. Fuck Apple. Are you fucking kidding me or what? You're here. You made it. Another beautiful fucking weekend. It arrived. It went. And that's it. The bullshit's done. The Armenian Christmas is over. The Cuban Christmas is over on the 7th and any fucking

other three kings that are going to show up showed up yesterday all right so that's it it's over put the tree away stop talking about the shit you got for christmas 2017's here looking you straight in the eye and what do you want to do you want to dick around again another fucking year fuck that shit they ain't gonna fuck around this year trump going to take over and tighten the seatbelt, bitches. If you ain't stealing, you better start. That's all I'm telling you. If you didn't get that gun yet, you better fucking get it. You better get BBs, a scope, the whole fucking thing.

Because you know what Trump's going to do? He's going to move immigrants into your house. Fuck Airbnb. They got all your Airbnb addresses. They're going to start moving immigrants to your house and give you $60 a day. See how much you like your Airbnb, cunts. What's up, Lee? I'm doing really good, man.

That was fun today. Yeah, my daughter's going to a birthday party. You know, we got some kids from school. We got some kids we know. My wife is a gentile so she believes the weatherman the weatherman can suck your dick listen when you wake up in the morning that's the weather i don't believe nothing if they tell you six inches it's two inches if they tell you a big storm and the levee's gonna break don't believe nothing they said there was gonna be two

storms two storms johnny whatever on ab on mb It's going to be another storm and the other storm. When they picked us up at the Calusa Casino Friday, I goes, listen, I don't even know if you guys are getting out tomorrow because this road is going to fucking be flooded. The next day, we were fucking nothing. Nothing happened. The plane, they didn't serve us cocktails or soda because there was too much turbulence.

You can't predict Mother Nature, man. But listen, don't believe shit until it's shit. They said Sunday it was going to be dead and Saturday. How nice was it today? It was beautiful. I was wearing shorts. Fucking beautiful. Beautiful day to be alive.

It was my daughter's fourth birthday. It was tough in the morning. Once I got her there, it was easy. The pain went away. I couldn't believe she was fucking turning four. Wow. Damn, Joey. My wife was very happy my wife made cupcakes and fucking

dressed up the tables with felicia michaels they went there at 10 in the morning and me and my daughter watched the end of rambo first blood yeah we watched fucking the beginning of rocky together she was watching rocky rocky one the bible the bible there's only one story better than rocky my cousin's in the that rocky movie the first one yeah eddie animal lopez he was like from big hazard and um i think holland park he he fought sphinx for the heavyweight belt his name is eddie the animal lopez um what part he's the part where rocky went back and he was cleaning up the gym yeah and then he was picking up that spit bucket and that guy was talking shit to him in the ring that's my cousin eddie

yeah he was big he was even in a movie with barbara was talking shit to him in the ring. That's my cousin, Eddie D'Amo. He was even in a movie with Barbra Streisand and Ryan O'Neal called The Main Event. Did you ever see that movie? The Main Event. Yeah, boxing movie. That's an old school, old school. He's in that movie too, yeah. You know, Rocky's one of those movies

that you've seen 20 times. More than 20 times. And TNT is on, the game's a blowout and you're scrolling and you get to it. And anytime you get to Rocky. It's just a great part It's just a great point the night before I call Liam. I go Liam watching Rambo now in 1984 professor I went off the deep end right now. So on 85 I had to move and lay low So I had this route I lived in like a Bergen County, Jersey

So I had this route. I lived in like Bergen County, New Jersey. I would take a bus to Fort Lee. And I was so poor. I had money for the essentials. I was so poor that I'd save the $4 and I'd walk over to George Washington Ridge. I'd walk over and I'd get Cuban food by the hospital. And then I'd walk two blocks to get a nickel bag of weed. I'd roll a joint and I'd smoke it on the walk nobody said dick to you without a

license with a license that was Harlem Jack I'd walk smoking the joint like go into a movie theater because I killed time till five o'clock and I saw there was two movie theaters there was one on the hundred this had to be 181 178 if anybody knows tweet me tomorrow when you listen this movie theater was on the corner of Broadway and a hunt right there in Washington Heights but there was one that was down the block that one was a two for $2 type where the floors were sticky every once in a while they did porno once a month and people jerk off and shit but it was next to a Carvel so

I get ice cream and going there and I seen like office and the gentleman yeah and and American gigolo I saw Stephen Bauer double feature there I saw Scarface the other one was like a double Richard Gere yeah it was that's what they do they show like Dirty Harry and that one for two bucks but up up the corner, they showed the movies that came out, the ones that you wanted to see that came out Friday. Now, Professor, I don't know

if you still remember when Rambo 2 came out. Rambo, First Blood. Rambo 2 was when he went to Vietnam, of course. Right. That's the one where they electrocute him and the guy's talking shitty Russian and he's the same guy that's in Beverly Hills Cop. Right? Now he's a Russian guy that's in Beverly Hills Cop. Yeah. Right?

Now he's a Russian and shit. Do you complain? I bought the mission, all that shit. Let me tell you something. So I hadn't seen Rambo, the first one. And it's on. And I got a few hours to kill till 5 o'clock. But when I walk in, I realize, holy shit, this is a black movie theater.

Oh, wow. So I sit down. You know me. I don't black movie theater. Oh So I sit down, you know me I don't give a fuck what's happening brother Some a lot more like them I said I watched the fucking movie. Let me tell you some all black people have a white quirk Like I had a friend that was a crip, but he was an Adam Sandler fan Then I had another friend that was straight up gangster, Afro, black power, but don't you be talking no shit about who did he like. Who the fuck did he like? The Beatles. Oh, wow.

The Beatles. Blacker than black, soul music, soul power, honkies, but man, the motherfucking Beatles are the shit. Do you think I'm a lot of black people's white guilty pleasure? Yeah, that's what I am. You went fucking rainbow. You have a lot of black people's guilty white guilty pleasure like that that's what I am when fucking Rambo I guess so I've seen black people go crazy in movie theaters

because I lived in New York City so I would catch black movies I loved it but I never saw black people go as crazy as on Rambo they like Rambo or First Blood Part 2 when he's in the mud and he opens up his eyes and he comes out with a knife and he stabs the white dude. Black people went bananas.

But what black people lost their mind was when he takes the arrow with the grenade on it. Yeah, yeah. And he loads it up against the Vietnamese dude and the dude is shooting at him. He ain't flinching. He's got a grenade and he fucking launches it. When that grenade hit that Chinese dude in the warm-up, Chinese people nearly had a fucking heart attack in the movie theater. I loved it.

I turned around. It was fucking beautiful. Oh, man. I used to love that movie. Black people love John Rambo. And watching that movie, it made me realize something. Fucking at that time, Sylvester Stallone was a huge star. Oh, my God god Jesus fucking Christ he

was he was huge when the Rambo 2 came out that was June of 85 that motherfucker packed movie theaters across the fucking world Jack and all his movies were themed American like even Rocky I was watching a rock I watch i watch rocky today takes the girl home and they make out and they fall on the floor by the way the best line that the american made movie in the last 40 years when he goes rock i hear she's retarded he goes she ain't retarded just a little shy that movie has if you going to shoot a movie, dog, please watch Rocky before you shoot your stupid fucking movie. Didn't he write...

He wrote that thing. He wrote, directed it. Did that motherfucker sold his dog? He's a genius, dude. Gave away his dog. Yeah, man. They had no extras. Today, Steve Simone said they had no extras in the ice.

People talk about that fucking Goodfellas scene, but when they were ice skating, Professor, whoever shot that, they weren't fucking around he's telling about south paul you know where south paul came from his elbow was pointed south south jersey south camden south paul you know like he's talking but the best scene is when he goes to knock on the door and he knocks before he knocks on the door he looks at paul he goes oh hey and he goes like this like he's gonna box the door then he goes up against the door because i never talked to a door before i feel kind of stupid and he's like paul he's like talk to her he's like i can't it's a fucking door that's all comedy that people don't know about today that you don't need to write i went to a meeting a few weeks ago and I told the dude I go you know what comedy is man when Joe Pesci and

De Niro are sitting at the table with Joe Pesci's mother and you got a body in the trunk and you're eating and you're hanging out like it's nothing but you got a fucking body in the trunk and then to add in some you take a knife from your mother to cut the guy to finish him off

that's real comedy like to me that made me laugh. That's, like, natural. Who the fuck thought of that shit? Yeah, that's chemistry, man. They had good chemistry between one another. Lee, look at the shape of you. Oh, yeah, I'm already going through changes.

You have a look of panic on your face. Changes. What's happening, professor? Starting up the year with a new fucking DVD. Digital download. I see you there every fucking day, putting your little six foot five there in the morning. When I wake up, you already have

posted up the, you do Facebook Live, and you get people watching you, and it's pretty fucking interesting. When I came from Cuba, all I remember as a child, that nine o'clock on ABC or one of those channels, you have to look it up, what's-his-name came on every morning. And and in those days 50% of people ran with that motherfucker who's

the dude no the dude before Richard Simmons he just died the old Jack LaLanne when I was a kid Jack LaLanne was on fire the fucking man do he was the fucking the news and nine o'clock is Jack LaLanne and he fucking did exercises When I was a kid, Jack O'Lane was on fire. He was the fucking man, dude. He was the fucking man. He was way ahead of his time. You get up in the morning, the news, and 9 o'clock, it's Jack O'Lane. And he fucking did exercises with you, and then he made a protein shake with you. He had a gym out here, too. He had gyms all over the country, but he didn't hang out in there. It's not like Jack O'Lane.

I didn't know he had a chain of them. Yeah, they were all over the country. My mom said she used to work out the window over here somewhere. I don't know where. Back in the day. Yeah, they were all over the country. My mom said she used to work out the window over here somewhere. I don't know where. Back in the day.

So right now, with new technology, a person like yourself could get a GoPro, put it in front of fucking Alberto's thing. Totally. And at 530 in the morning, if you're broke. And that's what half the people that are selling digital downloads, that's what they do. You could just use your cell phone nowadays. But actually, I have like inbank you know we have a lot of people that work in the industry and one of my students michael he's a camera operator so that guy brought in like all my shit is like legit like with the same stuff he uses on the set on

disney movies and everything he brought in there he brought the lavalier he had his camera on his shoulder he had the other camera i mean it was legit so it's not something that i just whipped up on my my my galaxy note i was actually considering it until he offered i was like man like how am i going to film this next project you know because it's not it's not cheap hiring a professional cameraman you know or camera operator that's what they call him you know it's crazy that when rogan found out i was at alberto's he came to me and he goes how's this guy's he's a fucking great that guy he knows what he's doing I go I know he does the kettlebells but I've never been to him I know he's a great teacher he teaches the fundamentals class and that's when I got turned on to your

kettlebell thing and I watch it I don't think I can make a class I think I wouldn't be able to walk for four days oh man i do five sets of things i'm gonna kill you joey i do five sets of cleans i do five sets of swings maybe six i do some squats the way you do with your arms like this i do a couple of those i tried doing that that's a misconception people have like a lot like there's a you know we have a shitload of students at legacy man and some of the girls in the tough girl boot camp they're like, oh we want to try your class, but we're like we're afraid I'm like, what do you guys think? I'm gonna do like kill you I adapt the workouts for everybody man because like I have my regulars that come and they're pretty advanced But then I have people that pop in just for the first time and two so I'm watching everybody and watching what you do

I'm not adapting exercises for you I'm telling that you're allowed to take breaks some people, you know, they push you and push you and push you but i mean if you do that you traumatize people and you scare them you know i'm not there to do that like i want to keep you i'm not trying to scare you away so i never push anybody harder than they need to be pushed you know you know your body better uh better than i do so i'm always asking you hey how do you feel you want to take a break take a break it's okay don't try to keep up with everybody yeah but you know what a great combination 5 30 kettlebells and then 6 30. you get out there at 7 30 you wash your you have a protein shake and you go to work and you know in your case you you wash your in your bidet yeah

you're in your portable bidet my little portable bidet but it's fucking crazy you know before i got locked up professor uh the ups guy at hertz uh was this dude that looked like fucking tarzan and i asked him like with long hair and was he buff no no no short hair white dude good fucking solid white dude i would talk to him every day about different shit when they i gotta ask you something because at that time i was in good shape i knew i was gonna get locked up, I was in good shape. I knew I wasn't going to get locked up. So I was in tip-top shape. My running condition, I rode the bicycle to fucking Hertz. You know, I was 25.

And I asked him, he goes, I swim. And I go, do you teach? He goes, no, no, I go to this group class, professor. It was at 6.30 and 7.30. But he goes, go to 6.30 because you'll have more time to work with you. A swimming class? Oh, my class, professor. It was at 6.30 and 7.30, but he goes, go to 6.30 because she'll have more time to work with you. A swimming class? Oh my God, professor.

It was called Master Swimming Program. Oh wow. Now swimming's no joke, man. No, no, professor. She had, everybody in, she was a Hawaiian chick

that did that fucking thing in Hawaii. What thing in Hawaii? The thing where you gotta swim and you gotta ride the bike and you gotta run. The Ironman? Oh, the and you got to ride the bike and you got to run. The Ironman? Oh, the Ironman competition, yeah.

So that's just Jane something. That's what she did. So the people that were in that pool were triathletes. So you go in there, she'd go up to a blackboard or she'd be yelling with a whistle. And she'd go,

Lee Syatt, give me 440s in 60 seconds pulling. Give me another 440 in 53 seconds kicking. And then put it all together and give me 440s in 60 seconds with a minute interval of breathing. And that was your workout for the day. I don't even know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it would be 40 would be one way. So 440s, four times 440s. That's right. Just murder murder what would you do oh my god the first time i jumped in the pool she jumped in the pool let me see you swim and i did a bunch of things and i was moving like a gorilla and i looked up and i was hitting the wall and she gonna work together from scratch and the first three classes she just made me hold the wall and kick yeah the problem is you're moving like a gorilla in the water. You want to move like a gorilla.

No, no. Who the fuck, who knows how to swim legitimately? It's like when we went away to Vegas and I went to the gym and I'm on the gym getting warmed up and I look at my friend's girlfriend. I didn't even know it was my friend's girlfriend until I look at her. And the reason why I looked at her,

not because she was attractive, I looked at her because her running form was perfect. And for people to see that, she was born and raised in Russia. They teach you how to run in Russia correctly as a child. And I've always, I told Rogan on the podcast, and I told Tom Lee that when you first get to Joe Namath football camp, the first thing they do after you eat, before you eat, is they run you in the 40.

And they write it down. And then on Monday through Friday, before you eat, is they run you in the 40. And they ride it down. And then on Monday through Friday, before you put pads on or a helmet, they teach you how to run correctly. And on Friday, before you get on the bus, they go, run a 40. And all of a sudden, they show it to you, and they go, you beat your speed by this much. And you're like, I didn't come in here faster. No, they show you how to run. Nice. It's like what you do with a guy like me.

You go, Joey, slow down. Once you pass this guard, rest for a minute. Watch his arm. There's little breathers as you move along that you learn. The same thing as running. The same thing we were talking one time on the podcast about pitching. I guarantee you're a big, strong guy, and I come up to you and go pitch in front of the guy from the end,

just like major league. He throws 95, but he got no control. But if I teach him a little control, maybe he could pitch 90, but he could pitch with control. I'll teach you how to pitch effectively. The technique behind pitching. The technique behind pitching. Pivoting.

Effective, yes. Follow through and all that stuff. And that's what always kind of, that's that's why whenever I keep my kettlebell movements real easy, like the one movement you do between the legs, I tried that and now I'm just giving me a nervous breakdown. Figure eight, yeah. It really affects. Because like, you know, like,

one of the things people do is they see the videos that I post and stuff like that and they just try it. Those videos aren't really meant to be instruction. I'm just showing you guys like what I do over there but like the instructionals that's different you need you need to go to the gym and learn how to do it and how i how i they don't see how i work up to those exercises you know what i mean because i do nothing but body weight first and i'm doing a lot of times we're doing the body weight movement before we even do it apply it to a kettlebell you know what i mean that way you you you practice the mechanics first and warm

your body up first before you even touch a kettlebell because like i don't like i don't touch a kettlebell until i'm thoroughly warm there's a lot of ego involved with weightlifting like just even lifting even with myself just because i don't want like i'm like oh i don't want to do a 16 i want to do a 20 kilogram but i also don't want to throw my back out no you don't don't so like it's it's it's hard it's a hard it's a hard balance to like to increase your weight because you don't want to get personally like but yeah i don't care how much weight you live you can live it doesn't mean that you're strong like people that do a real heavy one turkish get up right like like who cares you know like try doing an alternating turkish get up for two minutes straight that's a little bit more

oh my god practical jesus you know you're gonna burn more fat you're gonna work more muscles you doing an alternating Turkish get up for two minutes straight. That's a little bit more practical. You're going to burn more fat. You're going to work more muscles. And you're not going to hurt yourself. Let me ask you something. Let's pretend you're a big guy like me. And you really want to use the kettlebell for cardio for weight loss.

Shouldn't it be like weightlifting where I want to get stronger and put on weight, so I'm going to do 300-pound deadlifts. Now that I want to not, I feel a lot better that I eliminated that 45-pound kettlebell from my life. I eliminated that one. It just wasn't, I was walking around sore for no reason. I started working out with a 35, and I feel a lot better, Professor.

I had it bent over rows. I had it curled at the end to really sweat it up a little bit. I got a bag. I hit the bag. I jump a little rope. I don't do nothing no more. Because the first place I went to for kettlebells, where Lee went to, it's the Russian.

You open up with fucking 140- pound deadlifts that's crazy and then we would do swings and there was really no cardio you were walking around yeah see like the way i do it is you're going to work your whole body in that one hour work are you gonna work all your muscles all your major muscle groups you're you're gonna do your pushing your pulling your squatting your hinge and everything so when you're hitting all your muscles at once your heart rate shoots up and you start burning fat a lot faster as opposed to like lifting like a bodybuilder does a bodybuilder is going to do a they always do like split workouts where they'll do like chest and back one day you know what i mean so there's no cardio involved they do they do their cardio like by

running or whatever like that but in my class man you can burn up to like 600 calories in one in one one hour easy because you're gonna you just work your whole body i i use like different protocols and um i have something i call anaerobic pyramid conditioning anaerobic is just you know it's like doing a sprint as opposed to going for a jog you know what i mean that's how i structure my workouts just like fighting like jujitsu right one minute you you're scrambling around trying to pass somebody's guard, and then next minute you're kind of chilling for a second, and then you're doing it again. You're doing a full body movement at once, and then you're breaking.

So that's how I structure the workouts, just kind of like fighting, hence the word kettle jitsu. But yeah, it sounds like you're doing good, but it always helps to have somebody like me to help show you how to use it properly because that's what I do. You might be missing a few things you know i'm really excited to i'm gonna because i'm gonna get your download because i love kettlebells but i've noticed a huge difference and i told joey even even before my place closed he was like why don't you just because it wasn't inexpensive he's

like why don't you just get some and just do it i'm like there's a there's a difference for me with having someone tell me what to do, like going to a class or even watching something like this versus having me being self-motivated doing the workout. You work out as a person, but you're also a teacher. How do you deal with that? Man, that is my motivation, teaching. I love teaching.

So the fact that somebody will come spend an hour with me during that day i take it very seriously and i i just that's what keeps me motivated to keep continuously growing as a kettlebell trainer and a jiu-jitsu trainer you know i strive to be that's man that's all i really do that's all i obsess about is jiu-jitsu and kettlebells it's pretty sad and hanging out with my my dog you know but um that keeps me motivated and just the fact that i really love kettlebell training man i mean when i once i found that i was like that was it you know i didn't need any other workout tools you know you got people swinging clubs and those

mace bells and stuff like that you know that's all lifting weights for you no i don't bench presses nothing i do body weight and kettlebell i don't't do pull-ups. I only do rowing for my back and stuff like that because the way I look at it is I don't do anything that resembles pulling up from this angle. You know, I don't do any. If I was a rock climber or something, maybe I would do pull-ups. But if you notice in jiu-jitsu, we're always pulling from here. We're not pulling like this. Plus, it's kind of hard to incorporate chin-ups and stuff into like big group classes and you know i'm teaching like 15 20 people at a time you know

so like for me kettlebell is like i don't know you know if you know who steve maxwell is steve maxwell has been on um joe rogan's podcast a few times he has a saying that with kettlebells you get the most bang for your buck like your gym is right there your body is your gym and that kettlebell is just it's plenty and it does me good man you know i've used it at like a world-class level you know and all the tournaments that i compete in i do i do pretty good you know and people doing crossfit you know and you know it works for me i love it i never get tired of it and i'm constantly constantly like evolving and creating more routines and different movements and stuff like that.

I learn from everybody. I learn from my students all the time. The only question I have, because... Only one question? Only one question. You would think, you know it would work arms, and you know it works like your hips and and i know because you i can feel it in your legs but is that would be my only uh argument i guess against only doing kettlebells versus other weights because other ways you can maybe do leg workouts but do kettlebells specifically like how

do they work leg muscles how do they work because i know they do because i feel them in mostly my my like thighs not not so much my i never really got so much my calves are they good in cows you could use a kettlebell to do anything like i mean if you wanted to work your calves you could just grab a kettlebell right here and just do calf raises you know what i mean and anything you do with a kettlebell excuse me anything you do a barbell or dumbbells you can do with a kettlebell in most cases you could even do it better because they just fit with your body a lot easier you can rack them and you can do a one-handed rack kettlebell you could do double grass you could do a goblet position it's just they're just

so versatile man but like any way you you work your legs with uh barbells or dumbbells you can do the same thing with kettlebells you can do lunch you can hold a kettlebell here and do lunges you can do lateral lunges you can do squats you can do jump split squats you can do all kinds of stuff man and we a lot of that stuff is in um in that kb strength program too so i'll just send me your email and i'll send you the download link man i'll dig it thank you i'm very impressed with the kettlebell i know i love the workout like i said if i'm the only how easy is it for you just to have one at home, just work out at home like that? I have a 25, 35, and a 45.

Try doing that with a barbell. I got a punching bag. There you go. I got gloves. I got a jump rope. I draw a home gym right there. And if I can't do what I got to do, I just sit back there. Today, I went back there at 4.30, and I walked out of there at 10 to 6.

I drank a little protein after the drink. I washed my little monkey. I came out. I had a little pasta, a little salad, and I came here. That's it. I drank a little protein after the drink. I washed my little monkey. I came out. I had a little pasta, a little salad. I came here. That's it. I had an edible. And that's it.

I don't like. I was doing this big time. How I lost. When I first walked into McAffoly, I was 418 pounds. Wow. I had to put on two pairs of shorts because I'd always pee myself while I was breathing. And he was just hitting mitts with me. That's it. And he goes, listen mitts with me. That's it.

And he goes, listen, you keep coming in here and I can take all this money from you. 40 bucks an hour he was charging me. That wasn't a lot of money. He was great. He was from Boston. He goes, I just want you to join the gym and come in here every day and hit the bag for a half hour.

I just want you to stand in front of the gym. Don't leave here until there's a puddle under you. I thought it was the simplest thing I ever heard. The first time I went there, I tapped out like 11 minutes. I was like, I can't do this. And he just wanted you to stay stationary and just hit the bag, but do it like in a mild horse dance and not to let your legs become, how would he say it?

Don't let your legs go into the mud. I don't want your feet in one place to pick them up from time to time. Kind of like pivot a little bit. And he'd go do five minutes, ten minutes, five minutes, ten minutes. That's how I lost the weight in the beginning. I didn't want to lose, I didn't want to lift weights.

He goes, I don't want you lifting weights. That's good. Hit the bag and do the bicycle. That was smart, because he was just telling you to do like low impact stuff that's not going to hurt you, because like at 400 pounds,

there's not too many things you can do. No, I was going at night, so nobody would see me and doing deck squats and turkish getups and shit at that weight but like that's smart you know he had you doing some like cardio and stuff that's why a lot of people like they they clown clown like zumba and shit like that but that shit gets people off the couch man because it doesn't look scary to them you know but it gets them moving and it gets them sweating and gets them motivated and then eventually like they might lose a little bit weight but then they graduate to something a little bit harder what happened over here Zumba over here no when I first when you're a to do Zumba I used to go to YMCA they

used to do Zumba for me and my wife before we had the baby and I was traveling I was shooting movies or whatever and doing stand-up and night me and my wife had a deal on Tuesday nights we go to yoga together and then we go eat dinner then we go watch Suns Anarchy that was our deal every week Tuesday nights fuck money fuck stupid comedy shows we just mean it so we used to do the yoga and then go into the gym for a half hour and when we'd walk out professor Alvarado there would be 50 women on the line waiting they go into yoga 8 o'clock at night all of them chubby and and that's and every Tuesday I saw the class is growing and growing and I rose they had to take two

rooms then they had to go outside for a while and then I could see that it fell apart because one of the chicks a boy and i'm not even lying to you my boyfriend had a taco truck so he would park out there in front of zumba after zumba and those 60 big little chubby mexican women would go out there and fuck those tacos up and shit so that was the end i'm not kidding you i wish i was making up a joke. Hey, I don't know. More power to the... I don't know what... Zumba's hard.

I did one Zumba class and I was fucking... I was dying. You know what they used to do Zumba at? Where? Target. On Victory. When you parked the car in that fucking soccer field in there. Yeah.

80, 100 women. You would hear one up to the top and they'd be playing salsa music and they'd all be dancing. You're absolutely right, Professor. I never looked at it that way. Just to get somebody off the couch, just to go to Zumba. And it's music and they mingle and they eat cheese and they're moving.

I tried Zumba a few times. The first time I did it, I was like, my hips and core, because they're making you do all this, shaking your ass and twerking and stuff like that. Let me see you do that. I'm not good at twerking you'll get your little job you dance for the boys and yeah like that dude and uh what was that summer of sam

i haven't seen that one that's what the new one they made about which what's what's the one john leguizamo's in that one yes it's john leguizamo yes yes yes yes well john leguizamo's buddy i just saw a dope a cool ass movie with him it's called hollow point have you seen that it knew he plays like a freaking crazy ass like freaking like killer for the cartel john leguizamo no you gotta see it's called hollow point it's really good i was like whoa let me tell you something man john leguizamo i have a love hate relationship that's like a chameleon man he plays all kinds of crazy stuff first off he's been around for a long time yeah i could document him to 84 on miami vice he played calderon's son on miami vice and they blew him up tremendous episode they blew him up. Tremendous episode. They blew him up, but Tubbs fucked his sister. So he had a baby with his sister.

So he came back, blew up the sister and the baby. And they shat. Lee Iacocca was in that episode. Who do you think you're fucking dealing with, Professor? Some motherfucking novice that don't know his episodes of Miami Vice. Oh, my God. What? Sometimes I kind of get pissed off

with your years thing. His first credit was 84. Okay, and what was it? Mixed Blood. I don't know what that was. Then he did a Madonna video. And then his first real thing was Miami Vice.

Wow. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice? You think I'm going to come in here and drop knowledge? I'm Professor Joey Alvarado, kettlebell fucking expert man.

I didn't even know that. I think the oldest thing I remember him is... See if it's on there. See if it's on YouTube. Just look. Just put in John Leguizamo on Miami Vice. I'm sure it is. I guarantee it's on there. That's how... First of all, Lawrence Fishburne

was on Miami Vice. When I see people all Lawrence Fishburne was on my when I see people like Lawrence Fishburne Phil Collins was on my fuck that's a good everything that one yeah that was a good episode he was really he was really good I remember that guy's like wow that's Phil Collins I remember the other one I see John Leguizamo say what you want to say about him they've been around for 30 fucking years hmm say what the what. You know, Rocky Balboa is 40 years old. If Rocky Balboa came out in 1975, it's damn fucking close to or 43 or something, 42 years old.

That motherfucker is still making movies, and the movies he's involved in always about paper any of the years I go deeper into YouTube that clicked Miami Vice forever see if that's the one no no that's some fucking fuck all that behind the scenes shit yeah that was people that were into you gotta look at but he does talk about it it was pretty interesting they go a goes way too far back for youtube that's what it is i just the i remember him and as benny Blanco from the Bronx. Listen, man, he was... Hey, look, who's that? That's Zappa guy. Yeah, Frank Zappa was on Miami Vice.

Frank Zappa was on Miami Vice too? Fuck yeah. Zappa guy. There it is right there. Calderon's return, Miami Vice. Calderon's return right there. He was Calderon? Yeah.

He played Calderon. Miami Vice was based on a black dude in New York whose brother got shot by a Colombian drug dealer called Calderon. They couldn't figure out who he was, but they figured out he was in Miami. So the black guy went to Miami to hunt him down. The problem was Don Johnson had a partner. The partner's name was

Jimmy Smits. And he got blown up in the fucking trailer. Jimmy Smits was in that shit too? Pilot episode. Damn. Jimmy Smits was in the fucking pilot episode. He gets blown up. Crockett comes into the picture. They're temporary partners. But

then Calderon sends a hit guy from fucking Miami in episode three or four or five and he kills the original he has a hit list he kills the original chief who was the puerto rican and sancho and Sanford and Son. I don't want Hector in my house. I don't want no Puerto Ricans in my house. He was the original captain.

Once they shot him, bam, the Mexican moved in with the bad skin. Jimmy Almost, whatever his name is. That's crazy, man. That was crazy in the beginning. Now think about that. Fucking Jimmy Smits. Again, 1984 pilot for fucking Miami Vice. You see him now, what?

Sons of Anarchy, still rocking shows. Still, two years ago, before that, he was on Dexter. And he comes out in the Star Wars movies, too. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. I know he went back that far. You have to respect these guys. They've been around for 30 fucking years. Do you remember what show does I'm gonna test your trivia now Ready? Yeah, what show made Jimmy Smith's famous to the TV show?

It's a law show exactly He didn't know the name you gotta fucking think about he's getting syndication money from three or four TV shows. NYPD Blue, he was on for God knows how long. You got to fucking write in L.A. Law. He was on some motherfucking law show. You know, two years of fucking anarchy. Two years of Dexter. That guy's banking.

That guy's banking. And he's 60-something now. You got to respect those guys. Let me tell you something. I saw John Leguizamo on Miami Vice. I didn't know what the fuck he was. And all of a sudden, comedy came into my life. And somebody said, you don't know who John Leguizamo is?

And I went to a fucking store and I rented this tape. And I go, that's Calderon. And they're like, what are you talking about? Well, that's Calderon on Miami Vice and they're like no whatever he does this one man show and I watched the one man show and I got pissed off he called it like Spicarama or the other one he called and I kind of got pissed off because it was kind of like my story a little bit he had elements of my story and I related to him a little bit and then i got into comedy and i don't know nothing from nothing i was feeling bad about my life i'm like what am i gonna do i'm gonna end up

just being a drug dealer i can't go back to bold i don't have anything and i couldn't figure out i was going to this open mic and i tell this story fucking to young kids i kept going to this open mic where it was like it it was Hal, a professor. It was like that scene in Rocky when he fights for $17. Like you went in there and no matter how you did, you still left fucking like, what was that? What's going on in my life? And I went in there one night because it went from 11 to 4 in the morning, the open mic. There'd just be drunks in there,

people smoking cigarettes and fucking fat chicks that were hookers giving handjobs in the corner. Fucking disgusting. Disgusting. But they ran this open mic, and there'd be 30 comics there. Yeah, old triple N. And I went in there one night, dog, and they go, no, there's no comedy until that Legos Amo's on stage.

And that's when I got it. I go, it doesn't really matter. You have to be in these places to get good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that's the fucking moral of the story, you know? Yeah, man. And then I kind of liked him. Then he got a show on Fox.

When Fox first started, it was like America's Most Wanted and the show with fucking the chick from Sons of Anarchy and the shoe store and all that stuff, you know, Lust and Marriage, Married with Children. But you do remember there was a little show on for a few years with John Leguizamo,

not for a few years, for six episodes called, hit it, John Leguizamo Comedy Show on Fox. House of Buggin', okay? And House of Buggin' did like four or five... He's like, he's on Google. He's just like, hey Joey, what is...

Okay, so he got a deal because there used to be this Latino tour group in New York. And Fox said there was a Latino tour here in LA. The Mexicans. So Fox was taking gambles. They took a gamble with those guys and they put out a show.

And then Leguizamo, they gave them a six-episode sketch show called House of Buggin'. If they did 30 sketches, five of them were fucking hilarious. But he did one, put in John Leguizamo, House of Buggin'. Was it funny? Sketches. It had its moments. You know who one of the sketch characters was? Huh?

You're going to see right now. What the fuck is his name? The dude that's in the porno movie. He was the dude that... Right there. The third one. See that one? What's his name?

That looks like... What's his name? Guzman. Guzman. Isman is that him yeah keep scrolling keep scrolling keep scrolling chicago militant house of bug and proud of county all right that one learning to vogue learning to vogue right there right in front of you that's john leguizamo. Fucking. If this is the episode, see? You don't know about this shit, professor.

I don't know. I remember this one. Me, me, hi. Are you tired of being the thump thump of the dance music in your life? And I don't know how to respond, right? Is your life void of fun, right? Are you going to be the th you getting ready for no action? Right?

Yeah, mama, we have what you need. Vogue! Learning to vogue. This is John Leguizamo, six episodes on Sunday nights on Fox. Yes, we're going to teach you some more intricate vogue. Touch us. Be high and seek. on Sunday nights on Fox. Dude, Joey does that to me every morning when he comes to the gym. The gerbil the gerbil and you also learn the achy breaky low

nobody remembers this no. I can see why. When the black chicks started dancing. And they're like, why are they hanging out? What is this for? What are you saying today? I ordered a tape and I'm a fucking machine. I got it all. What is that? Hey, mommy, I don't know.

It looks like a boat to everlasting. I mean, I give it a break, this thing. This is fucking crazy. What network was this for? This was what? What channel was this on? Fox. Fox. This was Fox in the beginning. This was Fox in...

Was this before in Living Color or after? 93, 94. That's what I'm thinking. This was crazy. That was kind of funny, man. So that's why when you see John Leguizamo now, you're like, what the fuck? This guy's been around. 95.

He's done a lot. He was in Spawn. That movie, Spawn. He was in Carlito's Way. He's in a lot of shit. He did this thing where he's talking about his roles I don't know if it was on HBO

I don't know where I saw it but he talked about Carlito's Way how his first scene with Al Pacino the first scene he went up to Al and Al said cut and he goes what the fuck is that John and John didn't know you know just you know shit that happens on the set which was really interesting because he was like that though um al pacino

wasn't he i'm not sure he would like get on people and like and kind of bring it out of them or some shit like that i heard i've heard stories about that i uh did this movie the movie i stopped snorting coke for this was a 21 day shoot in a row and it ended on thanksgiving but the movie was 100 a day but it was all the people that were in this movie like the guy that's in the fighter the father jack mcgee was in it we did the table read together like before they even had financing for the movie. And I knew I liked the movie. I knew I could curse. I knew I could be me.

It was about an AA meeting that got robbed in Studio City in the 70s. They robbed the bank and took over the meeting until the cops got there and they beat some of the people and shit. And this meeting got into a butt. To make a long story short, there was an old guy in this movie.

And he was interesting as fuck, guys. His wife had died. He was 72. He still worked. He fucking hated, because he did like two movies with George Clooney, and he hated them, but that's not fucking acting.

He's looking at the floor. What the fuck are you looking at? You know, he was one of these guys that had worked theater with uh his resume was brilliant but he was in dog day afternoon like he goes in those days they just called you at home i knew the casting people he was in dog day afternoon but he's the guy that grabs pacino by the face and says how'd you get this car tough guy eating pussy it was just 30 fucking years ago. That was in... Scarface. Yeah, yeah, he was that guy.

He was that old guy in the room. There was an old guy and a chubby guy. He was the whiter guy. So he says that something happened. That guy that gave him that movie had put him in something else. Maybe it was Dog Day Afternoon. He had put him in something else. So he gets there and he goes, you know, I walk in there.

He goes, Pacino's script looks like it's gone through a fucking shredder. You know, looks like it's gone through a fucking shredder. He goes, he's gone through that script. He's written. This is how you know this motherfucker's bad to the bone. He goes, he walks in. Oh, no. He walks in and there's a dude sitting there.

And then he practices the scene. He goes, do the scene real quick. And that's when he goes up to him, and he holds a knife to the guy's face. And he goes, how'd you get that scar on your face, tough guy eating pussy? And the guy goes, it's cut. And all of a sudden he goes, can I see you for a second, John? He goes, listen, when Al walks in here, do not put that fucking knife in his face, okay, that's the fucking movie, you fuck with that,

we're done, please, don't put the knife in his face, he goes, now, two seconds later, Al Pacino walks, and he goes, let's do this, he goes, Al Pacino sits down, they focus the camera, they say action, he goes, he grabs Pacino pacino like he just grabbed him a little bit and he from the knife was over here and he goes how'd you get that scar on your face tough guy eating pussy and he goes john sell the fucking scene do something with that fucking knife and he said the director fucking was like and he got pacino wanted him to put the knife in his face and work him over a little bit. Do something with that knife. Move.

Show the camera that you want the information. So yeah, Pacino probably does get on you. That's the only story I've ever heard about him. That's it. I never heard nothing. I think I've read other stories like that. He gets on people like that. He kind of directs a little bit.

He's the pro, man. He knows what's up. I would get intimidated around a guy like him if I heard he had a reputation. I would, too. Like, I did that stupid movie, and when I did it, my scene was with Alec Baldwin. What stupid movie? Some movie that came out recently with Warren Beatty. Bro, I think that you don't even see me in the fucking movie.

If they send me a receipt, I think the movie bombed at the box office. Nobody knows who that dude is 30 fucking years later. That's the worst. They do a biography about somebody that nobody knows. If the guy dies, do the biography a week later. Don't do it 30 fucking years later. Nobody knows who the fucking guy is. You're reselling it to me.

Who the fuck is this? Takes a while to get pictures. You know, what the fuck? So, I don't think the movie did but warren baity plays that hotel dude that was a millionaire lived in a hotel in vegas bugsy no no no i'm a gangster he was a plane guy too he wrote he drove a plane around the world or some shit and he lived on the top floor and the mob won the mount so that's a fucking great cast i only saw alec Baldwin, but when I went on that set the first day,

I was prepared for Alec Baldwin. But that's one of the first times I had to prepare for somebody. And it bugged me. So when he would stare me down, I'd stare him down. And I would always fucking stare him down to the end until he took his eyes off me and said,

you know, something about his wife or something, you know. But I can't imagine like i heard jennifer hanniston's a nightmare really that's what i heard i don't know how true it is she looks very sweet i don't want to do that i'm too old to do that i'm too old for that i was surprised how nice adam sandler was i got really lucky, man. I never worked with nobody. I'm lying to you. I did a TV show, which I hated.

The fucking director, Ego, motherfucker. I did a commercial one time that the guy yelled at me, and I yelled back at him because they had fucked up. It wasn't me. They had fucked up. It wasn't me. I'm a fucking professional. I could stop a car on a fucking dime. This motherfucker's telling me stop the car. I'm stopping the car, but there were brakes.

They disconnected the brakes when they put the lights in. I almost went off the fucking pier in Long Beach. How are you supposed to stop it? Putting the brake on, the emergency brake. They disconnected both of them. It was a fucking nightmare. The interns had to hold the fucking thing and push it back and shit. Then they had to connect it.

The guy thought it was me. You got to stick up for yourself on those sets, too. I heard that there was fucking something when they were shooting Donnie Brasco, the director went off on him and Johnny Depp. He went off on Johnny Depp? No, he went off on a cast dude. On the set? Yeah.

Nobody, no, bro. I tell you, I was thinking about something crazy today. Me and Lee were talking about when people do multiple things and how you get greedy sometimes and you fuck up, you know, because it's the law of diminishing returns. I got a role in Otherwise This, and I was real excited about it. But what did I do? What do you think I did?

I had two days on the set with all these guys. What do you think I did? I had two days on the set with all these guys. What do you think I did? I booked a comedy weekend. Jesus fucking Christ. I get there and they go, no, you're going to shoot Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday, maybe all day. Thursday, just a morning shot at a barbecue.

You're out of there by 12. I said, perfect. Wednesday night's doing that. I'll stress out. Maybe not. They said it's a full day. If I go on at 6, maybe I'll be out of there by 6. I fucking get on this set.

First fucking eight hours, I'm ripping this thing apart. But it's a De Niro movie, bro. He shoots from every angle. They got tons of money. You know what I'm saying? So they'll but it's a De Niro movie, bro. He shoots from every angle. They got tons of money. You know what I'm saying? So they'll shoot. Shoot it from over there. Shoot it from over there.

Shoot it from 9 o'clock. Shoot it from 2 o'clock behind them. You're like, what the fuck? I can't even say this line anymore. I'm so sick of it. And then we had to turn the cameras around. And do you know, all I had to say was one line for two hours. I didn't say the fucking line, guys. because all i could think of was the line don't don't don't put me through this i

couldn't say the line that night and i was studying it can you imagine 12 years later i don't know what the line was i barely got surprised some of these actors can do that like they could recite lines do you know who michael dudukoff is the american ninja no you don't know who american ninja has never seen that movie the american ninja no he was this white guy michael dudukoff he was like hegan's best friend man he used to hang out with hegan all the time and he used to bring him to the mcscotto academy back in the day but i remember him from a movie with tom hanks called bachelor party me too don't tell me you see remember his friend though the white guy with the blonde hair and and when they go pick him up, he's a waiter.

And then the lady's like, oh, what's on the menu? He's like, oh, this one has cheese, but cheese gives me mucus and all that stuff like that. You don't remember that? I got to see it. Anyway, he acted that whole scene out for me one day. It was so funny because it was such an old movie that he remembered those lines from 20 years later. Perfect. It was hilarious.

So I thought you would. If I'm in a hotel room by myself, and the longest yard comes on, or I'm watching Comedy Central when I leave, and about three months ago I came back and the longest yard was on. I was in the bathroom. The lines came back to me.

But I don't remember that shit. After that you're done. Spider-Man I kind of remember. What Spider-Man were you in? Two. You know, I kind of remember that.

I don't remember a lot of that shit. Especially the last three, four years or a lot of that shit has gone away. Just the outstanding shit I remember.

That's crazy. But you remember the outstanding shit I remember. That's crazy. But you remember the important shit, man, because you have like 10,000 stories, man. You have a story about everything. Doug, it's crazy, isn't it? It's fucking crazy, Doug. Is it easier to act now that you lost weight? Because acting

can be taxing if you're up for those 12-hour days. Doug, the toughest thing I did was weighing 350 pounds in New Mexico for the longest shot. First off, the first day I got there, I was like, we got to talk to you. We need to do oxygen therapy. What is that? what is that that's when a little fucking uh assistant at the university follows you around with an oxygen tank and you basically have a hose in your mouth for you you had to you had to walk around like the first three days why everybody else is running sprints and i just walked they

just said come down and walk get acclimatedated, because it's high. At that time, listen, at that time, I hadn't done anything. In 1995, I hadn't exercised in probably five years. And I lived across the street from the YMCA. That's why I ballooned all that weight I went to there was an American Jiu-Jitsu Academy on the corner of Highland and Sunset I went there for about two months I thought I would die every time he was he had me doing rolls he was a Russian dude he was really a Russian gangster he closed that school and went to glendale or something but that was the last time i had exercise after that i said fuck exercising so when i got that movie i remember having to bend over and try to get into football position it was a fucking nightmare like when i got the movie the first day i was happy but i I'm like, it's on now. I got to do something. I wasn't walking upstairs in those days.

I had an elevator. I wasn't doing dick. So the first day I went down, I put the football suit on. I tried to run. And I'm like, oh, shit. And they sat me down. I was pale and shit. They took my blood pressure.

And they said, listen, just do oxygen therapy. Just walk around. So I would just go down there and walk around for an hour, eat a piece of chicken, walk around for an hour. This dude would just follow me around on the oxygen thing. Then after three days, they had me do mild workouts. But there was a time, bro, that they had to bring a truck in with a piece of wood that was elevated for me to bend over and touch my toes.

Tomorrow, I could touch my toes 10 times. That's how big I was. I couldn't and touch my toes. Tomorrow I could touch my toes ten times. That's how big I was. I couldn't even touch my toes. They had to put like a six inch, a four inch by four inch block. The shit you use for gardening. They have to put one on top of the other one. That's eight inches. Wow, man.

That's awesome. I know they want you to get healthy, but they also have a movie to shoot. Was there anything in your contract saying you couldn't lose weight? No, no, no. Nothing like that? I wasn't a principal like that. Okay. It didn't really fucking matter.

Listen, that's the one movie that they fed you. They wanted no misunderstandings with the wrestlers and the football players. You saw football players, but they were all body doubles. For all those shots, they were body doubles. You had to feed those 40 guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you had to feed those 40 guys. Again, Professor Alvarado, you had to feed those 40 guys.

I'm not like Dalip. Dalip would eat a dozen eggs, bro, with a loaf of toast. The guy that weighed, the guy that was seven feet. The gigantic guy? Yeah. What do you think he'd eat for breakfast to stay like that? He would go to bed with 12 hard-boiled eggs. He would take a dozen eggs upstairs, hard-boiled, and he'd eat them all.

Wow. All right. What do you think that guy eats? Just that guy. What do you think he eats? And then you had a football team. And there was a food truck on there. When we were in New Mexico, it was basically a spoilage fest.

They were blowing money. They were printing it because Paramount wasn't around. So they hired strippers from Albuquerque and brought them up. And they would walk around with trays. And all day, smoothies, cold cuts, salami, fucking Italian cold cuts, ham, cheese, provolone, protein bars, protein drinks. You name it. You know, everybody wanted their name on the movie. So every day you get a box or something.

Every day, come on, guys, gather around. We got a box from Nike here. Take a shirt. Take the Gatorade. This sports drink. you get a box or something every day come on guys gather around we got a box from nike here take a shirt take the gatorade this sports drink every day everybody wanted their name in those credits so every day something they were trying something else on you went home with something else it was crazy but there was never like a low on food no like i mean they feed you on those sets that's what a lot lot of people at the gym that work on sets and stuff. They're like, man, it's kind of hard

to resist. They're always giving you food. They feed you everywhere in this town. Joey, they'll feed you when you go to meetings. They'll feed you at lowly office jobs. They have full spreads. Because they don't want you to leave.

Dude, you ever go to Porto's and you just see people in the morning with boxes of Porto's that they're taking to their office. And you see the same people every morning with boxes just taking them out of their office. Because the TV show has to get out that night and they don't care. They'll

order in hundreds of dollars worth of food rather than have you leave. Oh yeah, Port those deliveries, too. It's a shame how much we were. When I got to that set, let's figure something out. When I got to that set, I was probably 390. Shooting that movie, I put the last 20 on because it was just, I was getting, I had a little rep. There was one rep per every three trailers.

And as soon as I get there, I tell them to get me an egg sandwich with ham and all. And not 20 minutes later, I go, listen, get me a pastrami sandwich. I was, by 10 o'clock, I had a pastrami sandwich in me five days a week. You know what that does to you? Oh, my God.

By lunchtime, you already got a pastrami sandwich and i'm not talking about like a thin one and then when my friends would come i get pastrami sandwiches when my friends would come to the set i go you hungry i could eat let's go to pastrami sandwich i get the guy over make me three pastrami what kind of what do you put on your personality is it just pastrami do you do it do you do it like the Jewish way? I'm a Lange's type of motherfucker. Down on Alvarado Street, your name's sake. Get off, make a right, and keep going until you see that. You see that park on the right-hand side?

Park right there, cross the street. The fucking neighborhood is so deadly. They closed the fucking Lange's at four, and they have been closing. What neighborhood is that? Alvarado. The neighborhood is called Alvarado? There's a park down there. There's a park down there. There's a park down there where I walked with an agent once.

When I first signed with Aqua, there was a young kid. I took him to breakfast there, and I go, let's take a walk. I thought there was ducks and shit like that. Next thing you know, Mexicans are coming up to me going, social security cards, birth certificates, passports. We got everything down here. You want a kilo? You want a machine gun?

I mean, that was the way. And you walk up, and it's like a regular Spanish neighborhood. It really is. That's why you can't believe this deli is there. You sit there and go. It's a Jewish deli? Yeah, Langer's. What is it called?

Langer's? That's my favorite. They got the good bread, and they got the good pastrami. If I'm in a bind and I need a fix of pastrami, there's a place on Whitsett around the corner from my friend John Evans. Jewish guy Herman. I go in there. I get the fucking sandwich. I get the soup.

He makes me a nice spicy mustard, and I'm good to go, Jack. What kind of soup? The matzah ball soup? No. I get the split pea with the ham, and she makes it to go jack. What kind of suit the mati ball suit? No, I get the slip P With the ham and she makes it home man. Are you kidding me or what? He's like fucking 80 And she's like 40 and she's got a tremendous ass All three you motherfuckers a giver a stab me

You know how many times I eat that and I double look at it like she's a good-looking woman and I'm lying to you guys She's got to be about 55 60, but you look at it. This one was got ass for days She goes to Vegas. They came to see me in Vegas They were staying at the thing and also I look up one night and then they are and I hugged there and him and they Took off because he's a degenerate gambler. He loves all that shit My pastrami man is a degenerate gambler I got I hear the good places are shitty here like the places that are supposed to be good i don't mind canton's canton's canton's i don't

know about the jewish the jewish places the one place i found ants on my pastrami and then me and lee went to the one place one night and i didn't i wasn't fond of it and lee was definitely not fine have you been to the oinkster that is the question no where's that oinkster have you heard of the oinkster this one in hollywood the first one is an eagle rock it's owned by like a pretty famous filipino chef they make their own pastrami there they they smoke their own pork pork butts there and they have like a pastrami reuben oh my god dude it'll knock you on your ass man you got to go there with me one day. It's one of my favorite places to eat in LA.

The Oinkster. It's awesome. They make their own ketchup. They make their own pickles. They make their own mayonnaise. They make Belgian style fries. Look at Lee. He's going through changes.

I'm telling you, man. No, no, no. I'm not going through changes. And now you're throwing up a pastrami sandwich out. You know what I'm saying? I don't like homemade ketchup. You'll like this stuff, man. This stuff is legit. You'll eat this stuff, man. This stuff is legit.

You'll eat this shit, all right? You'll eat what they tell you to eat. Well, you don't have to put any ketchup on your pastrami. You can just eat the pastrami sandwich like it is. I mean, on the pastrami sandwich, they put a little bit of slaw and caramelized onions on it as well, too. It's bomb, man. Well, they have a couple different ones, but we got to go there one day. Trust me.

You'll thank me. It's like my favorite place in the world to eat. The Boinkster. You've lost a lot of weight lately you had to train for a uh a tournament and you just kept the weight down tournaments yep i had uh the master worlds in vegas and then i had the no gear worlds in san francisco so that's that's the whole that's the whole thing with my um that kb strength and conditioning program uh i've been working on it for a while and i wanted to just put something a little bit more straightforward because everybody knows me as like the kettle jitsu guy doing like a lot of jiu-jitsu and fighting moves but i mean i i'm a lot more than that i do like some straightforward stuff more traditional style

stuff so this program is is a little less specific for jiu-jitsu but you know like a little less like complicated movements more basic movements with the emphasis on different kinds of snatches and stuff but that's how i lost my weight and i and it includes the 15 guidelines so um that's how i lost the weight how long is the video my friend it's an eight-week program man so each workout is like an hour long so you'll give me monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday all that comes out with workout charts it comes with all that stuff man no shit you're that detailed man it's for reals you don't fuck around so does it go from beginner level to more intense so the first week is basically

beginner level for sure you go through the body movements to get you warmed up for sure it starts at all like on any of my videos i start you up with basics and then it starts gradually getting more difficult as you progress all of them till today my favorite warm-up still is the turkish get up with no weight oh really that's still you do five on each side you're fucking wrecked you're good man because you're fucking wrecked you're not too many people do that body weight turkish get up you're fucking wrecked i can barely stop the second part of it the first part i enjoy doing it's the second part that's the real deal with nothing your arms twisting my knees going out from under me it's a trip you know not even a 12 kilogram or no no no no no i don't have that nothing sometimes i'll like when i do uh

the jiu jitsu warm-up we'll just do like a bodyweight turkish get up we'll just hold our hand up and just go through each movement all the way up and just alternate like that and i mean apparently two snorts likes it over here joey two snorts joey two snorts no we were talking before the show how you get tolerance going and the sad thing about me is everything i did like i sit here with lee sometimes and i was telling you there was a time i used to sell micro dot acid i would sell a hit I had friends that built the tolerance up and they'd do a hit and a half for like yes or a concert.

I was eating three of those motherfuckers and smoking one at about 11. Once I was tripping on the ass, I put one in a fucking pipe with some reefer and I'd fucking smoke it. Like I always had high tolerance. Wow. Except for fucking smoke it like i always had high tolerance wow except for alcohol the only time i had a high tolerance for alcohol is when you're snorting

fucking coke yeah if i'm snorting i could drink i could drink with fucking houdini you line them up jack what about when you're all shroomed up no no no no no no no i can't mix those. I was never a reefer, alcohol guy. No, no, no. Either we drink or we smoke. And in my world, 98% of the time, we're going to smoke. I would drink just... Me buckling up to a bar and getting a drink is... I mean, it's just something that I never wanted to do. I never wanted to be that person that that was my life type of sort. Yeah, yeah.

Just because my mother had a bar and I saw those guys. Mm-hmm. But I was always ashamed that I couldn't drink the way most people could. Yeah. I don't like that I can't walk in and you can go, let's go for a beer. I don't have no desire to ever drink a beer. Me neither. I don't drink that I can't walk in and you can go, let's go for a beer. I don't have no desire to ever drink a beer. Every now and then I like a nice little cocktail.

No, but that's the way I've always been. It's the weirdest thing. I like drinks for the flavor of it. Three quarters of the shit I put in my mouth, I was like, who could drink this paint fucking thinner? That's what I wanted to talk to you about Joey

you seem do you eat for pleasure or do you eat just to like fuel your body well both man that when you're doing it just to fuel your body is something that's it's very hard to work to live with

it is extremely man and I have gained weight since the last tournament i'm actually going to compete at light well like i i use that kb strength program to lose like 20 pounds and i competed at featherweight you have a menu in there also has a menu what i mean like what they could eat what they can't eat um you know what man i make it like since i teach people on a regular basis, people like simplicity. Nobody wants to count calories or anything like that. So what I have in this one is called the 15 Guidelines of Rapid Fat Loss. And it's just 15.

Read them, and they're simple. And if you just follow them, you don't have to count calories. You don't have to do anything, man, because I don't like counting calories. Who wants to go at the store, go to the store, and then read how many calories they have, and then add it up and calculate? Nobody wants to do that shit, right? I do it every day. Do you do it?

I can't stand doing it. I have a thing called MyFitnessPal.com. Yeah, people use that stuff. I don't like it. Most people are lazy, man. People don't want to do that. I know they're off sometimes. Sometimes I put my breakfast, lunch, and I forget to put my dinner,

and I forget to put that snack at night. But pretty much, Professor much professor makes me stay responsible yeah you know like if it works for you i'm not saying it's wrong but like i try to make it as simple as possible on this program the 15 if you follow the 15 guidelines like for instance i switched to only chicken and fish and turkey you know for two months that's all i ate like you're eating if you eat leaner meats man you're gonna feel so much different than when you eat like a carne asada taco as opposed to a chicken

taco or something like that. The meat's easier to digest. You feel lighter. Trust me, you'll lose weight. Keep the portion. Your meal's about the size of your hand. Simple. Drink a lot of water. Eliminate sugar. Stuff like that. That's a part of the 15

guidelines. If you just follow those, you don't have to count calories or anything and you just follow the workouts and you stay disciplined then you can do it you know i had this one girl in um hawaii that's been following the program actually like gave her the 15 guidelines before i even did the downloads and everything and i was just kind of like coaching her like through facebook and text messages and stuff like that and dude this girl got jacked, man. And she's just like, man,

I feel better on the mat. You know, she's, you can even see her stomach muscles. It's hard for, hard for women to get those stomach muscles, you know, but she's totally stoked about it.

You know, my shit's making a comeback. Do it, man. I'll help you, man. My little fucking 12 pack is making a comeback. You know what I'm saying?

I can start to see ribs and shit again. I haven't seen ribs in years i saw a rib there i was at a fucking party and that so you know and that's that's part of the 15 guidelines too is is take pictures of yourself i don't like that you know but what it does like you take a picture when you can see your ribs again and then you're gonna be like dude i can see my ribs and then keep keep it's gonna motivate you to do more than a couple weeks later then you're going to be like, dude, I can see my ribs. And then it's going to motivate you to do more. Then a couple weeks later, then you're going to see like a two-pack and then a four-pack. I didn't catch my rib at a motherfucker at the house mirror. Oh, what did you catch at?

I catch the rib at a fucking hotel, which is real. You know, I walk past the mirror and I go, wow, I have lost weight. And also I had no shirt on. I go, wow, look at that rib. It's trying hard. It's melting that fat. He's got the blowtorch out making it. It's trying hard. It's melting that fat. He's got the blowtorch out. You know what I'm saying?

He's melting that fat under the heart. But, you know, every little bit counts, professor. That's what people, years ago, I said, if I don't have time to go in there one day a week, I'm not going to go in there. That was the lazy way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then a good fucking dude said to me, listen, Joey, look at the fucking size of you. If you could go to karate one day a week, you'd be helping yourself. And that's what I did.

I started working out one day a week. The YMCA threw me out. The guy said, Joey, you can't even walk on the treadmill for three minutes. How am I going to have you in there? He was a little gay dude. He was going to walk around for a month. He was half a fag. No, he was a little, you know what, man?

Solid fag. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something, man. Chrissy Miller is a comedian from the comedy store that when I first got out here, she was always at the comedy store. She always tried really hard to get on, you know, she got a job at the comedy store.

She would showcase for mitzi mitzi just didn't like it comedy but i thought christy miller was funny all the guys thought we tried to back her one day christy miller this is i was probably about 360 370 christy miller came to me and she goes joey i'm moving to new York City, but I want to give you a present before you leave. I'm quitting this job, so I'm going to get you a six-month membership on this lot. I'll try to get you a year. She's like, you need to start going to the gym. I met you when you got here, and you put on a lot of weight.

It was the Gold's Gym on Gower, which if you know anything about anything about gyms, that's the number two gay gym. The number one is the one in Santa Monica. Don't walk in there, that's the number two gay gym. The number one is the one in Santa Monica. Don't walk in there. That's the number one gay gym? That's the number one gay gym, supposedly. This is what you hear. Are you considered a bear? Do you know?

I have no idea. I don't ask questions. You understand me? But let me tell you guys something. I would go in there at night because I was ashamed. You know what I'm saying? I would go in there with a sweatshirt. In those days, I wouldn't even do cardio. I would bench press. I didn't know what I was ashamed. You know what I'm saying? Like I was going there with a sweatshirt. In those days, I wouldn't even do cardio.

I would bench press. I didn't know what I was doing. I was still thinking I was in high school. I was bench pressing. I wasn't doing any of that shit. But you know what, man? I could say a lot of shit and be an asshole, but those gay guys were really good to me, man.

And I got to be honest with you. Like, man, nobody ever said nothing to me. I don't lie. They would all say, are you okay? I'm good to me, man. And I got to be honest with you, like a man, nobody ever said nothing to me. I don't lie. They would all say, are you okay? I'm going to be over there. I see your face is a little red. Maybe you should walk around. The one guy brought me water one night.

There was no Cosby pill in it. That experience at that gym always changed my mind. It always stuck with me how I didn't know what to expect. You know, I had heard about the other gym on Santa Monica that they gave my friend of mine. He wasn't really a friend. Some dude said he went in there to party, and he went in there while he was pissing. Some guy pissed right next to him, and they don't have the thing in between. So the guy rubbed up against him, and he fucking creeped out.

What are you doing here? He was a homophobe. Yeah, he was a homophobe. But the place is kind of weird. And I've heard it from gay dudes. Even gay dudes, it's a little too much in there. There's people who just hang out in the bathroom. Honestly, it doesn't bother me.

I mean, I have a lot of gay friends. No, me too. It's never a problem. There's a dog park I go to in Hunter Park, Herman Dog Park. i have a lot of gay friends no me too it's never there's a dog park i go to in a hundred park herman dog park i have a bunch of gay friends over there man and they they they talk like guys we talk about women they talk about guys like that it just cracks me up man like they're talking about the the postman oh the postman came in and i was all and she i started fantasizing i was i was like damn eric i just started cracking up you are funny dude you know where's tony better than lisa yeah you know where they're sitting there I started fantasizing. I was like, damn, Eric, I just started cracking up. You motherfuckers are fucking funny, dude.

Where's Tony Bennett, Lisa? You're over there sitting there fucked up tonight. It's Monday morning, people. It's a new week. It's a new year. Get off your fuck. It's going to be all right. Tony Bennett, bitches.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as smart as I. As I A somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do Let me give some shout-outs real quick to my main man, Michael Fernandez, Vito, Borderline Human, my girl Cleo, I love you, keep doing what you're doing, you fucking savage, Barry O'Sullivan, Kush Overlord, Damian Sorrow, my main man, my other main man, Kern Michael, and the man of the hour, the one by one podcast, always in the house, and since I got your ear and it's

a new year, let me tell you something, all right? You're walking around with those fucking underwear since God knows what. It's a new year. Listen, it's time for you to get those skid mark underwears with the yellow stain by your nutsack. Then you wonder why nobody wants to date you and why

your girl won't sleep over because you're a filthy fucking animal. Well, listen, Uncle Joey's going to hook you up, all right? It's that time of the year. You want to be walking around with new underwears, new shoes to step nice. You want a new bathroom rug so you can fucking step out of the shower into pleasantries, make sure it's white so it's a new head for you. You know what I'm saying?

I'm just trying to help you out, cocksuckers, but you always want to have clean underwear. From the ages of 20 to about 38, I was a disgusto. I never wore underwear. I walked around in big balls and banks side to side. Used to go commando. Fucking commando because I'd rather save on underwear and snort an extra gram of Coke than have underwear.

It's disgusting. Anyway, picture a world where putting on a new pair of underwear isn't just fresh. You're stepping into a better day. This is what I'm talking about. Think about it. Underwear is the first thing you put on and the last thing you take off. Why would you settle for anything less than the best-feeling underwear on the planet?

I'm going to tell you why. MeUnders focuses on producing the most comfortable underwear you've ever experienced. My friends at MeUnders send me a few pairs, and they're fucking tremendous. I wear them for jiu-jitsu. I told you a thousand times. It keeps my nutsack dry. No fucking moisture in there. You know why?

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Go to meundies.com right now slash joey and get 20% off your first order. That's meundies.com slash joey. How do you like me now? I'm in the mix. It's 19. And I got the fix with the chicken and the quota. Got the bacon soda. Make the water boil. Workers are loyal. Oh, shit. Little old school fucking ice cube for you.

Just to spruce it up. Lee's sitting there all scared. Lee's looking at you right now like the Grim Reaper. Lee's like, listen, I want to go hang out with Joey Alvarado, but he'll kill me. He's going to make me do push-ups and sit-ups. I can't handle that stuff. I'll be sweating. I'm Jewish.

Look at him. Look at his face. He's got panic just looking at you. He's thinking. His mind doesn't know what to do right now. I've seen his Facebook videos. I like him. It's fun, man.

I make the workout fun. You'll never be bored. The reason why I like kettlebells, it sounds silly, but I've always been chubby. And when I used to see people who had their shirts that were all soaked in sweat and you can see it, I always wanted to do that and I could never make it happen.

And fucking kettlebells. My shirt's all... I'll tell you what, you run to Glendale, your shirt'll be wet. If anyone wants to get those roller skates and roller skate to Glendale, I'll see you tomorrow fucking drenched. Six pounds lighter, cheeseburgers and elastic on your mind, you know what I'm saying? After my class, you'll be drenched for sure. Today was a weird day, Professor Joey. What happened? You know, 20 years ago, man, you never understand people that have children when you don't have children.

You go, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I got a dog. I got a cat. Yeah. It's so weird that today was the weirdest day I've had in a long fucking time. Like, it was just, I woke up last night in the middle of the night. fucking time like it was just i woke up last night in the middle of the night but i can't believe this little fucking savage has been walking around for four years and how everything just changed

like everything just changed it's a it's a miracle that you can even have babies i don't even know if i'm 45 i've never knocked up a girl i've never had an accident like everybody has these accidents and stuff like that never so i don't even know if i knocked up a girl. I've never had an accident. Like, everybody has these accidents and stuff like that. Never. So I don't even know if I've had any. I knocked up one girl, but I never had any fucking accidents. You know? So, no, I knew for a long time my sperm was poisoned. I was telling you I was doing a fucking grandma blow and two snorts.

Mm-hmm. Just that savagery. That's crazy. And I was, you know, you know me, dog. I'm a fucking animal I want the best of the best I hunted down the best and told the guy listen I know where you get it from this is his name If you want me to go down there and get it I'll go down there and get it

I don't do that to me you live around the corner I'll be every fucking day give it to me the way he gives it to you. The guy said fine He couldn't believe it. He was I can't believe you called me an hour later what do you do with this i said i snore he goes you know how high your tolerances jesus he didn't do it but he saw the people that were doing it and he goes i cut it they don't call me for two days what the do you do with it damn it's like those stars man you eat those stars like it's going out of style too and you have a you have like high tolerance i have a high tolerance for the stars i'm getting a high tolerance to these tk what do we eat tonight two tk look at where they like is it gum look at lou look at lee's

poor face look at you sitting there going jesus christ is paula home tonight she's home tonight she's at your house yes oh you're done yeah you got a kid red is 60 minute activation 250 milligrams we split one of those no we're gonna split one we each had one yeah we each had one and then we split one of the fucking taffy toms yeah like six stars 500 milligrams i don't know how you guys are still functioning right yeah bro we're in training you're in training. You train kettlebells. We train THC trainers. We train combat fucking stars here. If we get captured and they give us stars, we outlive it.

Yeah, but do you train kettle cock? No, I haven't done that anymore. I changed all that shit. But it's really funny to see her, this little fucking girl who I never thought I'd get a second chance at. Since the minute I walked in yesterday. From the casino. She was talking to me about a party. And we talked about it.

And she was real cool. I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. She was dynamite. And then today the mother had to leave. With Felicia to go set up at the park. And I stayed with her from 10. Until I walked her over. And it was just fucking tremendous man

i'm talking to this little fucking girl about a party i tried to show rocky she don't give a fuck about it she's like get the fuck out of here i'm not watching this fucking dude punch this dude in the gym and this ugly chick and and i walked her over and just the conversation we had on the way over, it's like, I saw this little fucking girl. I couldn't even talk. And now she's talking to you about the craziest shit. I tried to sing tonight. She told me, no, no, no, no, no, Daddy. No, no, no singing.

Her grandfather called and tried to sing a happy birthday. She told him to, no, no, no, no, please don't sing. Some of the kids wanted to play with her. And she said, no no no no no please don't some of the kids wanted to play with her and she said no no no no leave me alone some kids are trying to torment the yeah yeah no no she's by the book jack she's like by the fucking book joe alvarado and then there's her party but just like you she ran over to the other party and just started talking to some other people Started playing with the tree Listen those people made a mistake they set up Like 20 minutes before we did and I got there a little bit too early at first we lost my daughter

She was over there mingling at the party saying happy birthday. I'm like what the fuck are you doing? saying happy birthday. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? But you know who's... She's got your blood in her, man. You know who was the happiest today? My wife. My wife knocked it out of the fucking park. She fucking made those cupcakes.

She fucking... It was a fun party. You know what? It was a fun party. It was just fun to see the different combination of people that showed up and when just speaking of kettlebells and parks like that park I think is a great part to work out for a kettlebell class oh well they watch that part oh yeah they watch that part like a motherfucker cuz I know a guy who

teaches the guy that teaches karate at that park teaches at my daughter's school on Saturdays. And he was telling somebody one day that he's got to be off that thing by a certain time. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so they watch it. If you go in there, if you go in there at night, that place is hard to even hang out. There's cops back there. There's a security school.

There's a school, and they have security. Did you see that you can't put bumper houses do you see the signs you're not allowed to put those floaty houses oh yeah yeah like they're not responsible they don't want those type of parties but it's first comes first serve or something yeah together table we got three tables pretty much like any part you have to go like early in the morning and camp out there to get the table. It was very nice. It was very low-key.

It was just family. George came. That's cool, man. John Eben came. That's beautiful. You have a nice little family. That's cool. They got kids, man.

There's two parks there. The best thing about the thing was my daughter was excited, but I don't think she was excited or knew how excited my wife was my wife made it work my wife knocked it out of the park man my wife became a different person the last four years and that's been pretty interesting to see you know again it's very hard to explain this to a single guy. I'd be looking at me right now going, shut the fuck up. Oh, man, I love kids, man. And, man, I see what people go through with kids and stuff.

I'm like, wow, man, that's a lot of responsibility. But I see how it changes people's life all the time. Being married is fucking very hard. I can imagine. Being married is one of the hardest things you'll ever fucking do. It's tough, man. That's why I've never gotten married, man. It's something I take serious.

When I was young, I got married, and I didn't know what the game was. I didn't know what the rules were. I didn't know. I thought marriage was you fuck somebody that did a laundry and cook, and you work. That's it. And you came home when you wanted to.

That's not marriage, and that's why it didn't work. Now I got to work on my marriage. Like, I really work on my marriage because I know what keeps it together. I got to work. I don't want to hear no shit marriage is work man you know you gotta work I gotta do my thing I gotta do the podcast I gotta do this I gotta do that but I have to do my thing if I'm not doing my thing I'm picking up an envelope I'm home with my wife that's

the only rule that I got I saw even my wife's rule it's just me on a general you got to be home I was talking to one of the kids parents today and he was saying he was a teamster and I go do you work a lot he goes I work four days a week I go your choice and he goes my choice because if I work more now I'll lose my family because it's 16 hour days yeah wow you know you work five 16 hour days but if your family needs to eat you know I'm saying you gotta do what you gotta do I guess his wife makes money he makes little money and you meet in the middle you don't go over your over your monthly fucking stipend and And that's how you make it work, man. You really got to watch everything.

Today's economy, you got to watch everything. You always got to put a little something away. You know, even if it's $10 a fucking week, which I never believed in until fucking years ago. I never had money to put away. Are you fucking crazy? I put money in the bank for a week, bitch. I'm the same way? I put money in the bank for a week, bitch. I'm the same way.

There was money in the bank for a week and shit. I would look at it and go, you're still there. Oh, shit. I'll make this happen and shit. This motherfucker's been laying around for a week. I got to spend this fucking rent. But now you have a child that pulls you back. You have responsibilities now.

Bro, the amount of money that I used to have in my bank account, it's like my wife said, you would hit me up every day for a 20, and I'd look at your account, you'd have like 22 bucks. When I stopped doing drugs, that money was amazing, what I would have in there after three weeks. I would go, oh, my God, where did this money come from? Yeah, because you're not doing fucking drugs no more mm-hmm you know fucking drugs like yeah same thing with alcohol man you know I know a lot of people that go out on the weekend every weekend just pounding and pounding

and pounding around you could blow a few hundred bucks on drinking every week and easy it's an expensive proposition to fucking drink. It is. It really is. If you look at it, again, in today's economy, the last time I paid for a drink was fucking 20 years ago when I became a comedian. I haven't paid for a drink on the plane. I get the tickets, whatever.

I don't know nothing about a fucking. But I know people who who those drinks are 12 bucks yeah easy those fancy fucking drinks they ain't fucking around dog your wife drinks more it's more at a club too man are you serious yeah hell yeah man oh yeah look at a club isn't like a bottle of hundreds of dollars yeah but even just like a mixed drink itself is like 16 15 16 bucks come on then you're thinking about the tip too you. You get the tip. Fuck that. What'd you do? You did some blowing before you came in here?

No, man. Stop sniffing at that microphone. It's like you're sniffing a fucking asshole. I'm not sniffing at it. I think that, like, I'm allergic to some, to certain, not allergic, but like certain types of weed. Like, it gives me, like, makes my nose dry and it makes me want to sneeze a lot. I'm going to do another bond. I'm going to put you in a different fucking plan.

I got some anti-allergy medical marijuana. You'll stop itching. If you got VD, it'll leak out of you. It's tremendous. No, but I really, all jokes aside, I really, it meant the world to me to do this today. And it was nice that Lee showed up. Steve Simone showed up. Felipe Esparza showed up, which was nice.

He showed up with his kid. I got to talk to him. I never see Felipe Esparza. But he's such a Mexican. He does all the family things. You can invite Felipe. There was no vegan food. His son was eating wings, too. Felipe Esparza won last comic standing about six years ago.

Great friend of mine since I first moved here, which is going to be 20 years, January 29th he was one of the first spanish dudes that we got along he introduced me to willie he introduced me to jeff garcia he introduced me to jeff garcia is funny yeah he introduced me to fluffy he introduced me to martin moreno and martin moreno had a room down in some hell hole you know he introduced me a lot of those guys. He'd say, call him up.

I go back with Gabriel when he ran the casino over here, the bicycle club. Off the 710, Gabriel used to book Thursday nights for $42 or $36, and you couldn't get paid until Friday. So in Hollywood traffic, you had to drive back down there on Friday to get your fucking $40 paycheck. It used to drive me fucking bananas. Bananas. They wouldn't mail it out to you?

Listen, I'm a coke fucking dude. I ain't got time for the mail. You know what I'm saying? Cash, grass, ass. Give me that fucking cash. I didn't believe in the mail in those days. You got a check in your hand? Yes, I do.

Sit tight. You still on Sepulveda? Yeah. Give me 10 fucking minutes. I'm going to roller skate there uphill. You know what I'm saying? I'll be there. I was one of those dudes, dog.

I'm one of those motherfuckers. First off, I would wait for that. When I was Snorting Coke professor, I would wait for the mailman. I would be outside. He'd get there at 10 after 12. I'd be at attention. Filipino dude, I'd talk to him, ask him about his sports betting, say, what do you got for me?

He'd go, I have nothing for you. Right there, I went to work. I did this job three weeks ago. I should be getting a check. I get to the bottom of this. Who's got my check? Well, it's here, but we haven't run into it. Da-da-da-da-da.

Tell me again. Is it right there in front of you? Yeah. What if I go down there with a check and pay the vig off? Just give me the fucking check. Yeah, come down. What's the commission? I get the check from my wife and I go down there and get the check.

Why are we waiting with my money? 10 days, 15 days. I shot the union is 10 days. If you shoot something for the union, think it's 10 days 30 days something weird but if you shoot something if you shoot a movie and if you shoot a tv show it's different that's what it is it's like a 10-day difference look at look at my boy lee syatt going through deep changes he's thinking of his life moving to mexico joining the witness regular location program looking everything all right, little brother?

Yeah, I'm good. You're what? You can't talk, man. No, no, no. I'm always just listening to you guys' conversation. No, it's just... I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. So what's the story?

Crazy shit, man. Crazy shit. I'm about to head to the Europeans in Portugal, man, man a couple weeks so i'll be gone for seven days that's what's going down and when what do you got to weigh in at this this time i'm gonna stick out lightweight man and what's that way lightweight is um with the gi you have to weigh in at 168. so before i like for featherweight the last two tournaments i did uh featherweight which i had to weigh in like at 154 but like with no gi it's even lighter than that i had to be 149 pounds so i got down really

light but like since you know professor was gone for two weeks and i was working on that kb strength and conditioning program for like a month i didn't even i couldn't even work out man and then i put a lot of weight back on but i managed to kind of taper it off so i'm not walking i used to walk around like 170 before i did the kb strength and conditioning program and this is 40 and over and i'm 45 bro so is it 40 you know you know what's funny is i just realized how old i am i was fighting master three for like the last few years and then when i registered for this tournament it kind of it automatically tells you what class you're in. And now I'm Master 4.

Which means? I was born in 1971. So now I've moved up to an older weight class. So I'm going to be fighting. You know Alan the Savage? That old man, blue belt? Yeah. I'm going to be fighting fools like that now.

From what age to what age? What's this age? I don't know. Like 45. So I'm 45. So it's like every four years or something like that now from what age to what age what's this age i don't know like 45 so i'm 45 so it's like every like four years or something like that or something like that because like it goes like from 29 years old and down that's adult and then after 29 so when you're 30 that's master one and then every few years it's like master Master 2, Master 3, stuff like that. What's the last age group? Man, I don't know, dude.

Because Alan, sometimes he competes in those tournaments, and they don't even have his category. He's 67? He's like, dude, I think he's like 70 years old. And he gets there at 6 in the morning? No, no, no. He gets there at 9. Okay. At 9, he pulls those dummies out, and he starts making love to him on the mat you see what he does you get that his dummies on the fucking i see that guy he's over

there sitting there eating a bowl of food yeah he's like his oats and berries it's fucking crazy he gets these dummies and he's just like this this old guy alan i mean we call him savage man he gets these mat these dummies these grappling dummies and he's just like this old guy, Alan. I mean, we call him Savage, man. He gets these dummies, these grappling dummies. And he's going all in between their legs and just doing all kinds of crazy shit. And he'll do that for like at least two hours before the actual class. And then what he does is he goes to his phone on YouTube, you know, because he looks up all these techniques and then he goes and does them on the dummy. It's crazy, man. It's crazy.

I mean, that's what keeps him sane, he says, because, I mean, he's been married and he's retired. So he leaves the house and he's gone. He's got to jump for like six hours. Doesn't he do a no-gi class? Yeah, man. I love Alan to death, man, but I tell you what, man. That is like one of the hardest classes to teach with that guy in there, man. but i'll tell you what man that is like one of the hardest classes to teach with that guy in there because like you know when you're that age you're kind of like already stuck in your ways you know

what i mean you kind of just want to just do your own thing he doesn't like when we do warm-ups he was he don't he doesn't do the warm-ups with us he just kind of does his own thing but i'm like alan listen in my class you're gonna fucking do the warm-ups the way we do them together you know and he'll start he'll do it for about a few seconds then he's back off on his own little board again you know what i mean and then you know you know we're talking about little benny right yeah poor benny sometimes in that 10 a.m nogi class it's just him and benny in that class and and i got to give it to benny man for you know having so much patience because alan like his style of jujitsu is like he slaps you in the face

and does an armbar and you know what i mean he slaps you in the head and he does all kinds of because he does all kinds of dirty shit man you know like he's like 70 years old man like he loves like smacking people and doing he does like crazy shit man like and then and then and they're like professor like i don't know what to do with alan i'm like i've heard this a million times i don't know what to do with Alan I don't know what to do with Alan He says, hey, let's go light And then he goes hard on you So I don't know what to do Because they don't know how to react to it

Because he's older and they don't want to go hard on him I'm like, man, I don't know, man I don't know what to tell that guy He's a great guy, I love Alan to death But, you know, he kind of beats to his own drum but he paid his dudes man so you know he's 70 years old yeah he's a great no he's a purple belt now no no i know i was there when he got it it's just did you see when he's going through the gauntlet like that guy one hit him and he was like no man did you hit him yeah he's like nah

hit me man he's a good dude oh he's a great guy, man. That was the class before New Year's. He got his purple I'm getting to him now, man. He's actually doing more techniques now. So he gets there at nine and works at the fucking He gets there early, man. He rolls up in his car where it says

J.J. Savage on the license plate. He goes in there. He puts his It's almost like he... What is it called whenever you go to football games? Tailgate. He almost tailgates there, man. He brings his cooler of food and shit. He's got a whole bench. A fucking tent.

I've never seen anybody train and eat. It's tremendous. He's got a balance. He knows what his body needs. You've got to respect that. I've got to keep fueling my body his body needs. You got to respect that. I got to keep fueling my body. Yeah, you got to respect that.

70 years old. The muscle takes a lot to fucking repair at 70. Dude, you should have him on the show. He has some crazy ass stories. I know he does. He has some crazy ass stories, dude. He has some funny stories. He has a lot of funny stories like you man now that i think about it he

has he has a story he was a fighter he used to fight a lot and stuff like that he was a boxer and stuff yeah he's a good guy i used i just read something a couple weeks ago about that blew my mind but it made sense about men today why their testosterone levels were so low And they threw in computers in there and just the way the pollution. They threw all these factors in. Let's say that our grandparents, our grandfathers had more testosterone than we do today.

So, it just really... I think it's like all the nasty shit they put in our food. Yeah, the GMOs and all that shit. Well, I mean mean even beyond that is doesn't everyone say they want better for their kids most of the time and maybe they're a little bit nicer than their parents were and it makes their kids a little bit weaker i mean you know i don't know i don't know how it works i can't sit here and talk and say that i know i

just read this and it was just it's something that I thought about. I thought because the nutrition was off. I really thought because the nutrition's different. The nutrition levels are different and what they wanted. I was around in the fucking 70s. I remember when we were eating in the fucking 70s.

It's completely different now. Oh, it's crazy. First of all, they added coffee to our world. Oh, man. And they added a thing called coffee drinks. Don't it's crazy. First of all, they added coffee to our world. And they added a thing called coffee drinks. Don't get me wrong. There was always coffee. But there was never high-powered sugar drinks. I see what these people drink in the morning.

You mean like frappuccinos and shit? Oh, these people are drinking fucking cakes for breakfast. Oh, man, dude. I was hooked on those things for a while. You don't know what that does to you. You don't know what that does. That sugar spike in the morning, how do I know? I was addicted to Coca-Colas at 6 in the morning.

Yeah. I'd get up at 6 in the morning without your balance, without your body even getting oxygen. And before I'd put water in there, I'd drink 12 ounces of Coca-Cola right out of bed. Do you know what that does to your blood sugar? Hell yeah. Do you know what that does to you?

Yeah, it's so easy to get to. Starbucks is so huge, man. And I was hooked on those frappuccinos and I was hooked on that other one over at the Coffee Bean Tea and Leaf. And then five years, about five years ago, I went to Italy and they gave me a little shot

of espresso and I was like, fuck, man, this little shot of espresso right here equals to two frappuccinos, man. And I was like, man, I'm not espresso right here equals to like two frappuccinos man and i was like man i'm not going back what's the one from the coffee bean the one with the coffee beans on the bottom of it that they blend yeah cherries yes oh my god that thing is so i was addicted but the black forest it's the black forest i was hooked on the big one oh man it tastes like a black forest cake, man. You fucking died.

Because I was on frappuccinos and my friend was like, no, you got to go to the coffee bean league. Oh, the coffee bean league. You turn me on to that. I was there like every fucking morning. I lived two blocks from it and I would drive, park. So good, huh? Go in there, sit outside. I wouldn't tell nobody.

I'd drink that black forest. That's good. That shit was packing on calories. You drink one of those at eight in the morning you're doomed you don't recover from that your whole day is good calorically sugar wise you'll be hungry 100 day you add marijuana to that you're eating two meals it's a horror show all you need is espresso man you're good to go yeah we talked about that yeah you looked into it i'm and you're good to go. Yeah, we talked about that the other day. You looked into it.

I'm happy. You're an intelligent dude, Professor. Yeah, because people always say, oh, no, Cuban coffee is stronger. It's stronger. It'll keep you up for days, blah, blah, blah. And that guy, Kellen, he brought me. He was like, hey, Professor, look, I brought you some. My dad made a pot of this Cuban coffee, and it was delicious.

It was thicker and a little sweeter. I loved it, man. And he brought me about this much of it. He was like, don't drink it all. I was like, listen, man, i loved it man he's like and he brought me like about this much of it he's like don't drink it all i was like listen man don't fucking tell me how to drink coffee i know coffee because i drink i make my coffee super strong but then i looked it up and i was like is cuban coffee stronger than regular coffee and they're like no it's the same coffee it's just what makes a difference is how they whip that sugar because they make a paste with the sugar first to give it that that sweetness and i even googled it on youtube to see how they do it and i was going to

try to make it myself because it's really tasty but they uh they get the sugar first and then as the um the coffee is like percolating on the stove they hit it with the first three they hit they hit a few drops and they start whipping that whip it all up into all up into a like, and then it turns into like a little paste. And then they add the rest of the coffee in there. But it's actually a lot of work, man, to fucking whip that shit up like that, man. George Mazurba was on the show a few weeks ago. The next day he came on with Becky Lee and he made Cuban coffee for my wife. And guess what?

My wife's been making it the most. Was it legit? Legit to quit, dog. Nice, man. I got to have somebody show me that i really liked it what about that guy over there that she said the guy oh that guy el cafecito over in burbank boulevard go try it is it good i mean does he make a good uh cuban coffee you know what the time i was there i give it a seven maybe i'll give it another shot oh becky went

there a few times so give it a shot becks and violence yeah it's right there on maybe i'll give it another shot becky went there a few times so give it a shot becks and violence yeah it's right there on uh i'll check it out man but like i mean the one that my boy kellen brought was very it was very good that was like the first time i've ever had a cuban coffee that kills you too that's got a ton of sugar too it does have a ton of sugar it tastes good though man it tastes good i do like it's a different sugar it's not like whipped cream and look at lee you're looking like jack nicholson. Look at Lee. Jesus Christ, Lee. You're a wreck. You didn't know the start of it.

You lit up. Are you listening? No, those coffees. That's killed. They just had valid stuff that I didn't really know about. I didn't know there were factors. The computers, the phone, the way we sleep, because we don't sleep right because of the computer it's in the back of your mind there's something like that the article said the gmos there was something else

i couldn't believe it i was in shock but dude my testosterone must be through the roof man you don't shoot nothing extra i I don't do anything, man. And at 45 years old, I'm twice as horny as I was when I was 25. Do you think it's the kettlebells that raise your testosterone? Maybe it's just because I've always exercised. There's probably one point in my life where I was a little heavy, but I was never fat, fat. Because I've always played sports

and training martial arts but maybe i don't know maybe it could just be your genes too like my dad was like 70 years old and he trains fighters in mexico he still wakes up in the morning at five and runs and shadow boxes and stuff like that and he's a little perv too so you know i don't know could just be the genes too you know Who knows, man? Everybody's different. But there's people that are young that have low testosterone. They have to do testosterone therapy. Everybody's body is different. It didn't work for me, man.

I almost fucking died. Oh, you did testosterone therapy? These fucking savages told me to go on it. Yeah, after my surgery, they said, go on it. It's good for you you'll lose weight dog I blew up what happened and then I started

getting headaches from the TRT really bad fucking headaches yeah what do you mean you blew up you gained weight yeah and then they took but I was doing

the wrong shit professor I was lifting weights and doing deadlifts what the fuck I'm walking around at 340 that's not gonna

why shoot testosterone I'm walking around at 340. That's not gonna, why shoot testosterone when I'm walking around at 340? The goal was to go the other way. Couldn't stop eating. Couldn't stop eating. It made you hungrier? Oh, and horny and fucked. My wife was pregnant.

I couldn't even ask her. I was getting horny all fucking day. Then I went to DC and I started getting headaches and they took me to a hospital and they did the blood test. And they're like, bro, you got a lot of red blood cells you gotta drain your blood

and i was like you gotta drain your you have to take the blood out like a pint to make new blood to get your blood balanced that's what i had to do that's crazy it was a fucking nightmare dog so it didn't work for me it didn't work for me so your body rejected it yeah no no i'm cuban i got too much testosterone as it is i knocked my wife up for 50 i need a shot of testosterone so like if you didn't have a problem with like your horniness or anything then why i don't understand why they were giving you trt because the people i was hanging out with at the time who i still hang out with those crazy people all the mma people were like oh you gotta go on testosterone you'll recover a lot when i

first started jujitsu i was on testosterone it was the worst thing for me because when i get on my back my blood pressure was just sky my first six months on jujitsu i was on trt and it wasn't doing a fucking thing for me it was worse for. I was having panic attacks and shit. Is that what Sylvester Stallone does too? Because he, or does he just do steroids? Because he was like, somebody was telling me he was pretty open about what he does to stay all ripped because he's jacked, man.

It's either TRT or something like that. You know, I think that there's a price to pay somewhere down the line. Not for sure, man. I can't prove it side this guy i don't know what it is i don't know what it is you know first off if you look at someone like stallone the rumors are he's done plastic surgery everywhere in fact he had an infection on his thigh or something from doing something some sort of i can't prove this this is something I just heard so this is a guy that

Like I said man, I watched Rambo 2 and I watched the beginning of Rambo first blood part 2 That's an interesting one. They go to Thailand and he stick fighting a yeah, yeah bull and shit That's what I had to do shit. i had to do things to do so i turned it off but you know who wouldn't want to keep that image what wouldn't you yeah man you know like he that's something you associate with sylvester stallone because like back in the day i mean the first rocky he wasn't even like jacked or anything he was jacked he was big in a different way he was thick he was thick he wasn't cut up or anything and then little by each rocky started

getting more and more. And then it was like Rocky III when he was with Apollo Creed and Clubber Lang and all that. That's when he started getting more defined. And then Rocky IV. Rambo was when he started with the juice. Yeah, but remember Rocky IV. First Blood. Him and Dolph Lundgren, man.

That's when they were jacked. And then I was like, holy shit. And the second Rambo. In the first Rambo, was pretty pretty cut up in it but in the second one i remember because i just i like i idolized sylvester sloan he was training in mexico in like the late 80s and he would go down there and shoot that's where they would all shoot there was a kid i knew in uh boulder and his dad owned a gym at yucatan or something and that's where they would go and they would meet Colombo the bodybuilder Franco Colombo Franco Colombo

He was a our source fingers burn right and Franco would shoot them up with or even the Indian and they come back and shoot He shoot those fucking movies, you know, but I could listen if you watch if you watch Sean Penn in that close range He shot something good. He shot Deck of the Robins. The close range? Yeah, 1985. Sean Penn?

Yeah, Sean Penn, Christopher Walken, Madonna. No, Madonna had the soundtrack. The movie, they pulled the fucking movie advertising, so the movie bombed. They thought Madonna's soundtrack would carry the movie. But the movie's a masterpiece. Yeah? It's called At Close Range? At Close Range.

I never even heard of that. It's crazy. Christopher Walken and Sean Penn. He plays his father. And it's a fucking great movie. We've talked about it on the movie. The first scene, second scene of the movie, as soon as you see Sean Penn, you're like, what the fuck? What's going on with the jackass? as you see sean pen you're like what the fuck what's

going on with these jack you can see the veins in his arms you could see that it was a six weeks regiment it was just a short little regiment and he lifted and maybe did push-ups and he had a trainer and they taught him how to put on you know cut perfectly i had a friend who knew how to do that also he could work with you for eight weeks give give you Anivar or Winstrel, and you look like a fucking... You didn't look like Johnny Adonis, but you look like you did something. He knew how to work you out.

He didn't shoot you with nothing. He just dropped a little Winnie V on you in those days, whatever that is now. That's changed by now. Look at Lee Sayer. What's going on, Lee Sayer? You keep looking at that fucking professor and, like he knows about the kettlebell. I'm going to have to go down there and put it between my legs and throw it up in the air like a fucking chef at Benihana. You're an interesting dude, professor.

You really know what the fuck you're doing. I hope people. I hope so. I know that the last time you won, a lot of people asked you questions. Oh, yeah, man. And you had major league success. For anybody to deserve, you know what you're doing, questions. Oh, yeah, man. And you had major league success. For anybody, you know what you're doing, man. I appreciate it, man.

I put love in all that. But, yeah, man, shout out to all the people who embraced me from the first time I was on here, man. I still get emailed. And I always send you screenshots. I send him screenshots when people go, hey, I saw you on Joey's show. And they're super cool, man. A lot of very positive people, man. I appreciate it.

People on this show want to get in shape. People on this show, everybody wants to know what to do, man. Everybody wants to know what the fuck to do. Yeah, man. Everybody needs to work out regardless. I'd love everybody to do my kettlebell programs, but it's not for everybody. Some people dig other things.

It's okay. Just find what you enjoy doing and then stick with it, you know, stick with it three times a week at least, you know, but everybody needs to exercise in some form or another, whether it's kettlebells, whether some people like CrossFit, that's fine. I know people who, whose lives have been changed by CrossFit, you know, they got into it. They knew one guy who was like a raging alcoholic, man. And he met some chicks

she did crossfit and his body changed his lifestyle changed and man more power to him because every time i was i would see him he was just loaded he was jacked up on blow he was jacked up on alcohol all the time he was as long as i've known him he's always been pudgy you know but like at crossfit it changed his life you know so um yeah just find something you enjoy doing and stick with it, man. And I've been working with the Kettlebell Kings, too. My sponsors go on their website, get some kettlebells. I'm writing articles for them, and we're trying to share the kettle jitsu love together. But, yeah, man, exercise is very important.

You know, it's funny because I wanted to put you on for the last month, but said you know what let me save him for the first week of the year if he inspires one person to get a 10 pound kettlebell and do turkish get-ups the show worked for one fucking person yeah for sure man there's there's plenty of people that bought the program that uh that saw me on this show and and are digging the workouts and stuff like that. So it's pretty cool. Caution, and I'm telling you this with caution. I'd love for you to go to Onnit right now and get a kettlebell. And I'd love for you to download Professor's tape, the Kettle Jitsu. I'd love for you to do all these things.

But I also want you to watch and listen to exactly what he's doing please do not get a gorilla kettlebell that weighs 75 pounds and attempt the shit that professor's trying to fucking say to you please don't be that stupid go buy yourself a secondhand kettlebell that weighs you know 12 pounds whatever the fuck the light one and start with that we don't want you to get hurt in any shape i always tell people that how much they always you know they always have that's one of the most common questions please go to on it or cattle jitsu kings or whatever you want to do whatever works for you guys but do me that favor pay attention to what you're doing pay attention to the professor's

forms exactly what he's doing study it because we don't want you to get hurt it's not that exactly simple that's why we always warm up don't want you to get hurt it's not that simple that's why we always warm up with the body weight first before we even touch the kettlebell man how long is the warm-up before you touch um a good like 15 minute warm-up but see like we'll do like a mobility type of warm-up and basic low impact workout and then we'll get into body weight training because i really feel that you should master your own body before you master any kind of like training tool as well and kettlebell and bodyweight training they go together so it's not just kettlebell it's actually kettlebell and bodyweight so like on this program i do like a bunch of different burpee variations you know like i'm very creative man you know so like i've

developed like a lot of different burpee variations because the regular burpee variations, it's great. That's why CrossFit people do it. Everybody does regular burpee, but even just doing that one over and over, it gets fucking boring. You teach me to do a burpee. You know I used to be the teacher. I can show you a burpee variation to do

which will suit you better because you might not be able to jump up on both feet at the same time. So I have one called the K-Town Burpee that's on the KB Strength and Conditioning where you come up one leg at a time i actually learned that from a student of mine angely korea angely korea her uh she's in a band called koreatown and she's like a musician and her her her friends used to drag me drag her into kettlebell class you know and she's awesome i

love her to death but like she used to do these burpees like all right burpees and then she'd go down like one leg at a time all lazy and come up one leg at a time i was like that's kind of cool i kind of like that you know so i developed like a burpee variation called k-town burpees because like a lot of people who are heavier can't do a regular burpee so that's one of the things as a trainer is you always have to know how to adapt exercises for people because like like i said like i have my regulars in kettle jiu-jitsu class and they can do all the the movements that we do but then i have people trying it out all the time and everybody's at a different fitness level so like if i didn't have ways to adapt for them then they wouldn't

even want to stay in the class anymore you know so to be a good trainer you have to be able to think on your toes really quick you have to have like a really deep bag of tricks so um man i can train anybody you know so yeah for sure for you too lee where can they go find all your stuff again kettlejitsu.com easy you can find me on on youtube kettlejitsu instagram kettlejitsu go to my business page on facebook kettlejitsu everything but uh if you go to kettlejitsu.com i have all my downloads up there and um i'll be releasing two more downloads this week. Excuse me, not this week, this year. Bodyweight for BJJ and KB Flow.

That's about kettlebell flows and warm-ups for Jiu-Jitsu and stuff like that too. You're a beautiful professor. I appreciate it, man. I'm a little disappointed that neither one of you realized that I'm not wearing glasses right now. Did you notice that? One of my students was like, Professor, you got to do something with those damn glasses of yours. Because I had these cheap CVS specials on the last show that I did with you.

And they're all crooked. And I didn't even realize until you pointed out to me. I got laser eye surgery, man. How's it work? It's fucking awesome, dude. I can drive at night without freaking. I can see your face. I can see that beautiful face of yours.

That little white. Look at Lee. Look at Lee. Look at the shape little way look at lee oh my god he's fucking dumb i love it it's that fucking uh hey i'm glad i didn't do that star that a full star with you guys because he was like no don't worry about it i'll take you off i'm gonna give it no i'm good man i told you good dude there's some people i i brought the professor on if it inspires you in any way but it's your year whatever you Whatever you're doing, whether you're smoking, you're going to quit blow, you're going to quit heroin, you're going to quit sleeping pills, you're going to quit pain pills. You know what?

Let's do it together, but it's got to start somewhere. This is what it's all about tonight. It wasn't about for you to get a fucking kettlebell and hit yourself in the head and kill yourself. It's more for a new start. That's why I brought the professor on. It's a cool motherfucker. You know what I'm saying?

And don't forget you fucking savages over there in the Cleveland area. Uncle Joey's showing up with a big dick and a warm jacket. It starts Thursday night. Hilarities, pick, wick, and whatever the fuck. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then the next week I'm in Tempe at the fucking improv. So that's how we're doing it. So this Thursday, I think it's the 11th or 12th or something like that,

the party starts in Cleveland. I'll see you cocksuckers down there. Let me talk to you guys about one thing before you get out of here real quick. Okay? Because you know me, I'm no fucking Captain Evil here. Remember one thing, everybody likes to say, if you ask the professor, sleeping

is one of the most important parts of everything. I even sleep and I still can't recover. That's how old I am. Sometimes I go to jiu-jitsu. I think I'm going to go the next day. Even if I go to bed early, I get eight hours sleep, but I can't sleep. But sleeping is very important. You're unique.

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That's how we're rolling. And for couples, Helix customizes each side of the mattress. They're always fucking thinking. Customers report 30% improvement in overall sleep. You got 100 nights to try it out and if you don't love it,

they pick it up for free and give you 100% fucking refund. No questions asked. All right, Who's better than Uncle Joey? That's why everyone from GQ magazine to Forbes is talking about Helix Sleep. Go to HelixSleep.com right now slash Joey and get $50

off your order. Again, that's HelixSleep.com slash Joey. HelixSleep.com slash Joey. You're going to fucking love it. For you business owners That's helixsleep.com slash joey. Helixsleep.com slash joey. You're going to fucking love it. And for you business owners out there, again, we're talking about the beginning of the year you want to start anew. It's a new year, which means you want a fresh start to your business.

And a great year starts with making new great hires, all right? But posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates. If you want to find the perfect hire, you need to post your job on all the top job sites, and now you can. With ZipRecruiter, you can jumpstart your hiring in 2017. Post your job to 200-plus job sites, including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter,

with one click. Who's better than you? Find candidates in any city or industry nationwide. Look at the shape of Lee. Oh, my God. Find candidates in any city or industry nationwide. Just post once and watch your qualified candidates roll in to ZipRecruiter. Easy to use interface.

No juggling emails or calls to your office people bothering you quality screen candidates rate them and hire the right person zip zip zip fast find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by 1 million businesses and right now my listeners

you got a business you can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. C-H-U-R-C-H. That's ZipRecruiter slash church. C-H-U-R-C-H. One more time, for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. All right?

Do your thing. Happy New Year. I want to thank ZipRecruiter. I want to thank Helix Sleep. I want to thank MeUndies. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for starting the year off with us, getting your shit together, slinging dick and giving out bubble gum. And that's how we fucking do it.

If you're going to be an American, this is the year to do it. Don't worry who the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise is. You don't got to worry about Trump. Just worry about yourself. I want to thank my main motherfucking professor, the king of swing, the master of disaster. The king of swing. Go to Joey Alvarado. What's the email again?

What's the webpage? Kettlejitsu.com. Kettlejitsu.com. Also go to Kettlebell Kings for the kettlebells. Do yourself a favor. If it wasn't for swings and shit with professor, I couldn't do a hip escape right now. All right. I'll see you this week in Hilarities and next week in Tampa, Arizona.

Stay black, motherfuckers. I love all you cocksuckers. Lee, kick this meal, cocksucker. Thank you. I'm a man of my word guitar solo I'm getting late Oh no Cynhyrchu'r ffordd y byddwn i'n ei wneud. I don't want it to end up In a place I need it to go I'm making my song Yeah Keep it up to this and that So the law Oh

They'll know what you're missing Yeah Sing along, oh They know what you're making of I'm gonna give you a song that you know And if you don't smile, let it out I don't know what you're making of Yeah! 🎵🎵🎵 Terima kasih telah menonton! Yeah guitar soloI love you nowI love you nowI love you now I love you nowI love you nowI love you now Cynhyrchu'r cân a'r llawr. Cynhyrchu'r cân a'r llawr. Cynhyrchu'r cân a'r llawr. Cynhyrchu'r cân a'r llawr.

Cynhyrchu'r cân a'r llawr. Cynhyrchu'r cân a'r llawr. Cynhyrchu'r cân a'r llawr. It's all so fine As we go flying, flying Flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying