Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #446 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 11, 2017

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio discussing what Joey would do if he was 28 today, why that age is so critical, and cats! This podcast is brought to you by:  Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Watch Joey's Special, "Sociably Unacceptable" Now!   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/church to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 01/10/2017.  

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Kick that motherfucking muley. It's Wednesday motherfucking morning. What's really Tuesday night, David Bowie's anniversary. Out of respect. The church of what's happening now. The flying Julie Syat. And there's Cuban uncle. Here we go.

Oh shit. Justin, you thought it was safe. Babe. Greetings, cocksuckers. We're back from the podcast world. I hope you guys are doing well today. Myself, Lisa Ayat. I guess canceled at six fucking 30.

Who does something like that? But what are you going to do? That's what you deal with when you live in California with these fucking egg white motherfuckers. It's a flood. It's a drought. It's a downpour. I'm like, it's crazy people.

I'm not even turning my windshield wipers on. A few fucking, you know, since last week we've been hearing about these storms we're going to get in Southern California. The fucking clouds. And they show people around the country. So I have my friends calling me going, oh my God, you got 20 inches of snow.

I'm like, I'm looking at fucking sunshine. What are you talking about? Is that the other day they said they got two feet of snow in New York. They call my buddies like, what are you talking about? We got five inches. The fucking media report, the weather report. There's such fucking, I don't,

ever since I lived in Colorado, I don't believe the weather anyway. Like, I don't believe the weather, especially here in Southern California. I don't believe it till it's here because the sun fights to fucking get out of here. Everywhere else it taps out. Like, if you live in the East Coast,

it just taps out for like three days. Here the sun fights to death. They get moisture from the beach, something. The sun fights to death to get out of here. It's always out. And then even here where it's the same every day that they're always wrong back in back East. They're wrong just because stuff can change in a second.

It doesn't take a fucking genius leader. If it's raining here today, it's going to be snowing on the East Coast by Friday. Don't take a fucking genius. It's raining here today. It's going to snow in fucking Cleveland on Saturday. I knew it was going to snow. Once I saw the rain, I go, this ain't going to be fucking good.

I was going to take a connecting flight. And I said, you know what, I'm going to squash that motherfucking idea because both connections, one was in Denver, which you don't know what the fuck is going to happen there. Good place to get stuck though. You got a massage, your feet cut. They can sniff your toenail.

They'll do everything at the Denver airport. They don't give a fuck. They'll fucking cut your hair. There's a room where you could take a nap. Oh yeah. And pay. They got everything at Denver. But the other airport that had a layover in Chicago,

I said, you know what, fuck that noise. That fucking airport's the kiss of death. That's the fucking kiss of death. That fucking place, every connecting flight is laid. Plus your flight's always two miles away. So you're never going to make it just on fucking principle. You should sit and watch those flights. When you get there, just watch the flights

and see if they were delayed. Where, in Chicago? And Colorado, yeah, whenever you get to... Oh no, no, I'm just listening. I'm going to fly. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Flight free, nonstop, no drama, okay? I'll get upgraded by fucking the time I fly on Thursday.

Everything will be beautiful. Oh yeah, when you get upgrades. Yeah. It's funny. I looked on the plane so there's nobody in that fucking section. So they better give me a fucking ticket. Do you know where you are on the list yet or not yet? They don't tell you till...

No, they don't tell you. But I got clout, you know what I'm saying? I know people. I don't know nobody at United, those cock suckers. I don't know buddy. Oh, you see a plane got turned around. Have you ever had that? A plane got turned around.

They were going from Australia to San Francisco. And this dude was sitting in between two apparently Indian guys and he started getting mad and staying racist stuff. They turned the plane around and made it land in New Zealand and had him get off. And they'll arrest you. Oh yeah, they said that he had to wait in jail until another airline agreed to take him home

because United wasn't going to do it. They don't fucking around no more on planes. They're not fucking around no more. Have you had anyone lose it on a plane? I had a friend of mine lose it at an airport one day. He's not allowed to fly in that terminal or airline no more. Oh god. Because he was late and they closed the fucking plane on him.

And it was his fault and he got mad and kicked the fucking counter. Done. You're not even allowed to... You're not even allowed in one of those terminals, they told him. He can never fly Delta again or be in one of those fucking terminals. And this was... I think it was, yeah, it was after 9-11. It was like 2005 when it happened.

You know, we're talking about futures and being young and we've been talking a lot about that Sunday and we stayed after the podcast about one in the morning and we're just talking about life in generalities. You know, I'm 53 and Lee's 28. It's a big age gap. And it's funny hanging out with Lee over the last few years doing the podcast and coming over or whatever, you know.

It makes me think a lot. And the process of writing a book. And when I write the book sometimes, when I go back and read these things, I compare them like my life to Lee's, you know. And I, Jesus Christ. So I was telling Lee a week ago, I go, you know, if I had a chance to do it all over again.

Once I hit 28, I would make a decision to become a millionaire by the time I was 40. Now you people are going to say, why 40? Because when I say a millionaire, I say somebody who's well off, not comfortable and not a millionaire, but somebody who's taken care of in every base. What's the best way to be taken care of

when you're 38 to 40? Join the service when you're 18, do 20 years. Come out when you're 38, you got full insurance, full benefits, you go back to school, and you have a thing called the pension. And those pensions don't fuck around. Those pensions pay you some fucking money every month. So even if you get a part-time gig doing security work

at high pay, you're not doing that bad. I think you get like, because my cousins are both in the Air Force, I think you get like something like 75%. And then they both bought houses at like the same age. And I am like nice houses, but they have the option to just live on base. And just as far as I can under,

as far as I can take that money for 20 years of no bills. I wish, like when I was 18, I was even nearer and geekier now. So that wasn't even an option. But it's funny about 28. Like you said, it's like the first time I've really started thinking about my age. 28 is the, for 28 and 26 to 28,

is when you've already been brokenhearted. You already went to college, the job you wanted, you didn't get, you already, you know, it took you a while to get a job. Maybe you got a job. Now you're paying back loans. And you find yourself working, ironing a shirt every night,

you know, living with three guys, you know, drinking. And also you're like, at the end of the week, I got no money. So you start thinking about your life. You go, what the fuck happened? One minute I was graduating college. And the next minute I'm living with three fucking guys.

I'm broke. They're fucking nuts. You know. It's a line from a comedy album. But around this time is when you figure out like your dreams aren't going to come true. Like you realize you're like, oh, like they might not come true,

which is just, it's weird. That's why the girl that won't suck your dick when you're 20 or maybe come around when she's 34. Because she's already had crabs. The guy's cheated on her, you know. You got a job and a heartbeat and a license. She, you're fucking solid compared to the guys she's been with.

And remember when she was 21, she was the queen of the fucking prom. And she had plans and futures. So yeah, it happens to all of us like that. And we start lowering our standards. But at the same time, listen, man, I didn't take the life serious till I was 32. One day at 32, I found myself fucking broke.

I mean, living from fucking garbage can to mouth pretty much. You know, I had a refrigerator. I only had Snapple in it and beer. Never was there food in that fucking thing. I lived in a one bedroom, pretty much studio apartment. I had a TV, I had cable. But I was living like Rocky Balboa, which there's nothing wrong like that.

But they didn't put you on this planet just to give up. Right. I love to just get by. If I was by my own, if I was on my own, I'd live in this office. I've told you that a thousand times already. I live in this office. I keep this refrigerator.

You teach me how to get Netflix on the computer and the apps to watch the news and shit like that. I wouldn't go any 400 bucks, whatever, a car payment of three, your insurance. That's it. I'm getting by. That means I could deliver pizza one night a week. That means I could do anything three days a week

and make my nut and not worry about life and not be responsible. Great way to live. I did it for a fucking long time. We've spoken about that guy, the homeless man, who won't take your money. Right. How many homeless people do you think are just like, I'm just going to enjoy my life from now on.

Who cares? That's it. They're comfortable where they're, and listen, that homeless guy made his decision. When I see him over there and I try to offer money and I bring him food, I haven't seen him in a while. I drive in that neighborhood all the fucking time. I think the cops chased him out of over there.

I don't see him over there at all. Maybe the last six months. But all that time, I realized something in my conversations room that that was his choice. He wanted to be there. Okay. And we're all at one point. See, I got married and at one time I said,

this is just too much. This is just too much to handle as a human being because it was a weak fuck. And I was like, I can't handle this. I just want to disappear. I want to live like John Rambo. Work at a car wash three days a week, have a little apartment, eat canned shit.

But one day, man, you go, you know what? I got friends, they got wives, they got houses, they got cars, and they got lives. How do I get a fucking life? It took me to be 32. Now at 32, I had a life. When she walked out of that house, Lee, I had a life. It wasn't the best quality life.

I was taking care of myself. I was eating good. I was exercising. I was making money. I would always take some type of class, but I was just sailing along. I was just waiting to fucking hit something. I knew this was not going to be forever.

I knew it. I fucking knew it. I'm like, this is not going to be forever. There's no way I'm going to be 40. And that's the main rules with a truck. And come home and play with my kid for two hours. And then on Saturdays and Sundays, I got the fucking weekend off.

Saturdays, I watched the kid. And Sundays, I go to the in-laws for dinner. This is it. This is it. This is it. I did time. I was a loser all those years. I was in a rocket ship.

I stole. I turned my life around for this fucking boredom. It was boring to me. I was like, I can't, I can't. I need something else. So for like the, I don't know, let's say 70% of Americans who live that life, roughly, maybe it's 50, 50, who knows?

Are they lying to themselves? Are they really not chatting? Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. Well, we had a discussion earlier about people. We have a friend that paid their dues for something for a few years. And we were talking earlier.

We don't think that he understands what he got himself into. Absolutely. You know, and that's the first time I mentioned it to Lee. Lee hadn't mentioned it to me once before, but I never saw it. But from Lee and I's conversation the other night, I guess how many people that happens to, when you're 18, do you think you could really make a quality decision

about what you want to be? I thought I could. I thought I did in your head. What is the percentage you think of people that are 18 went to college with an idea of what they want it to be? And that's what they're doing today. Today, maybe like 20%. I think is that how low it is.

I think it's low. Because the question is like, what if they went to school for it? There's a lot of people who aren't or are doing, even if it's a good job, maybe they went to school for history. And now they're, I don't know, like a marketing person. Like I think there's a lot of people who change. Isn't it like most people have three to five careers?

Isn't that what the stat like the stat, what it is, I'll look it up or something real quick, but it's something like people. How many of you had, you've had multiple. Yeah, but I'm a loser. I didn't have multiple careers because I was a winner. I had multiple careers because I was a loser. First of all, I didn't know what I wanted to do. Second of all, I was always buying time

because something was coming or at least I thought something was just going to bump into. Like I was going to pick up Sylvester Stallone driving a limo. He's going to put me in a movie or I didn't fucking know. That's the pipe dream I had. Okay. So I had a bunch of jobs because that was what I was lazy. Number two, I thought they were going to hand it to me

and then I got to hand it to you. So I did the easy way out. I became a fucking petty thief. And then in the meantime, petty thief, and when I get sick and tired of petty thief and I turn my life around, I get a job at a place as a cook. Well, I'll be a bartender in a year. After two weeks, I go, are you fucking crazy?

Geez. Are you fucking crazy? Because of the work to put in that you have to put into it? Sure. Because who wants to put work in? How can I come to you and go in 10 years? You're going to be a great comedian, Lee. You're going to go, okay.

So if I get on stage tomorrow, January 11th, what you mean to tell me is in, what is it, 2027? I'm going to be a good comedian. I can't even think that fucking far. And I'm 50 and I've done, gone through it. So I can't imagine a 28 year old wrapping their fucking head about around that. When I was 32, Lee, I was out of options.

Okay. So I had no reason. When I was 32, I was out of options. I had nothing. When I tell you nothing going for me. So I had two ideas. I had one, I could try this comedy shit. And when I first started comedy, remember,

I started comedy in 91. And I was like, listen, this is going to happen. I'm not going to do what Lee does, Lee's an asshole. He gets on stage every night. He's a fucking asshole. I'm just as funny as Lee has. Lee's been doing comedy for four years. I could rip my feet, but this was my thinking.

My thinking was that I was going to be in a comedy club and Jerry Lewis was going to see me and put me in a movie. That's what I really thought. Like that was how delusional the coke and life and fucking, you know, this is way before Kim Kardashian. But there was somebody who was Kim Kardashian at that time who had me confused that I was going to just get on stage one day and Alan King or David Letterman or somebody was going to be in the audience

walking through and they were going to see me and put me on this show. And I'd be a famous standup comic. I had no idea the work that went into it. Would you daydream about it? Oh, absolutely. Like this is all going to be differently. Don't worry about this. Give me 20 bucks.

Come on. Listen, when fucking they see me at that comedy club in two weeks, you're going to be begging. You gave me more money. You know, like that was my fucking honest, you know, I can, and I'd fuel that dream with cocaine and actually fucking buy it. Like the asshole that we are at that age and when your mind is that toward it. So I started in July at 91.

It took me till September of 93 to realize that that pipe dream was never going to happen. Never ever. And that's not even out. I bet there's people who smoke the pipe a little bit longer than you do. That's only two years. And I buckled down and I said, you know what? If I'm going to do this, I have to do this right.

I put together a plan and I went back to Colorado and all the plans worked out except for me being a parent. Okay. No worries. But even throughout that whole down ship and the state of mind I was in, I kept getting on stage. I kept getting on stage. It didn't matter.

I kept getting on stage. Who gives a fuck? You're getting on stage. You're in pain. You're mad. Get on stage. Talk about it on stage. And that's what I did.

And by 94, which was two years later than that, I really had a dream not to be famous or nothing like that. At this point, I just wanted to be a working comic that nobody knew about. I would go and do triple runs and, you know, whatever the company in Iowa and I would work for creative and I would just travel around the country in a car and do comedy. I was pretty much set with that. Never did I think about millions of dollars. Never did I think about it.

You never would like sit in bed and I'd be like, oh, I can't wait. What a steam that I have to actually say to myself, not in 1991 when I was delusional. Once I knew what you had to put into comedy and what went into it and the work and everything, there was no way I thought about millions. I thought about being a break even working comic and I was fine with that. You know why? Because where I came from, the position I came from, that would have just turned my life around.

If I could just be a working comic and stop stealing and doing drugs, I'd be okay. When I say stealing, I mean, generalities people just doing stupid shit. I'm not saying stealing. I'm talking about stealing fucking time and whatever from yourself. Stupid shit. Lee comes to me and says, hey, I got five rims. Give me 10 bucks. We're going to go sell them and make 50.

Stupid shit. Then we get there and the guy don't give us a deposit or the check bounces. Kid shit. Kid shit that we didn't think out. That's what I mean by stealing. Not, you know, once I started, once 95 came, I wasn't doing that shit. I was just fucking doing comedy. If you had an eight ball to sell, I'd sell it for you.

That type of shit, you know? Well, it must be hard. Was it, I mean, was it hard for you to like stop looking for? Okay. Hey, there's the next drug deal. There's the next. Oh, I could steal that. And then I can make it like to turn that off, that mechanism off in your brain.

Just because you learn, you've, you've worked that muscle the same way you worked, you did. So okay. When I got the longest yard, even at that point, if you come to me and say, I need an eight ball, I'd sell it to you. You want me to bullshit you and tell you how I went drunk? No. In 2004, you came to me and said, I need to buy a quarter ounce of coke. And I knew you.

I got to take it to my brother. He's visiting on here from Boston and the guy he worked for once a half ounce of coke. Oh, in a heartbeat. That's 200 in my pocket and a gram of blow. Why wouldn't that's three bills for just taking a ride. But when I stopped doing coke, it was the funniest thing. Three months later, people were coming to me with cash. Like people always thought I was shake, shake.

What's that word? Shady. Shady. So they were always like, I'll give you half an hour and a half when you come back, that type of shit. Or, you know, it was always one of those things. When I stopped doing coke, 90 days later, I'll never forget one day sitting in the park at the comedy store.

I went there to do comedy, obviously. And somebody came up to me, somebody I know well for a long time. And in their hand, they probably had a thousand bucks. And they said to me, can you get me this much coke the next three days? I have relatives in town. Ten years ago, I would have taken that fucking money. Told them to meet them there tomorrow at six. And next, you know, I would have had a sudden gig in Pittsburgh.

And I would give them the money in a week. And I'm no blow. That's the type of guy I was. I'd give you the money back. But there was going to be a couple of days where I disappeared. I don't know what happened. My phone got lost. The pager got swallowed by the parrot.

You know, I was one of those dudes. You got your money. I always gave everybody that money back, you know. Or I give them the coke back and take a big chunk of coke out of it. And they'd call me and go, Joey, what is this? Oh, that's the way the guy gave it to me. Well, I got to give it back to the guy. I can't give it back to the guy.

The guy went back to Vegas. If you want, we'll drive to Vegas. Now the kid stuck with it. I would do something shitty that way, you know. Would it stress you out when people were like, where's my money? Where's my coke? Like, oh, look at me.

Do I look stressed out? No. No. Towards the end, I didn't give a fuck. From I didn't give a fuck for a long time. Like after I got divorced, I told you I bumped into that dude that gave me the two pounds for the $8,000 that time. And I had another guy that gave me membership for the mafia.

He gave me money and I signed him up to that. I gave him an application and I told him what a male. I mean, this is the dumbest thing ever. You know, that kid was calling me till about five years ago. Hey, I live in San Jose. I never heard from those people, but I did give you two grand. I don't know what happened. Listen, meet me.

I call you when I get to San Jose. And I never call them. That's how crazy I was. I used to hang out with this dude, Mike Runny. And I learned when my mother died, I started hanging out with him like in 1980. And from 80 to 80 fucking three, it was an education because he really didn't give a fuck.

He would walk behind the store, take cigarettes and walk out of the store, right in front of him. It was our friend's store. And they'll look back and not? Not even acknowledge him. And my friend pulled me over and his brother and said, bro, what's up with Mike Runny? He just comes in here, takes cigarettes and walks out.

There's some people in life that don't fucking give a fuck. I'm so jealous of that. I'll never forget him betting with a bookie, losing and saying, fuck that guy. And the guy saying, come on, I'm going to beat you up. Come over here and beat me up. Fuck you and your fucking $300 bet. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you. And I learned a ton from him because those fucks, you use work from time to time. You got to tell somebody to go fuck themselves from time to time. So they work towards the, this is a story one time. I was in Seattle. I was living in an office above Josh Wolf's bar.

Josh Wolf had a Lobo Loco and this is 1996. And what I would do is I would find grapes. In those days, I had a sports betting service. I got this fucking phone company to give me credit with no deposit. They gave me an 800 number and a phone line with, I don't know how unlimited, 10 minutes, 10 cents a minute. I don't know what this company or who they came from. I've never heard from them again.

This is 1996, this new cell company. Do you think there's like a $10,000 bill somewhere? Oh, oh. So I had a 1,800 number so you could call me. And then I had two different numbers to call out. And what I would do is I had a guy in San Diego that had a huge sports betting company. But he only signed you for the season.

Okay. A lot of people like, why am I going to pay you $3,000 for the season? What if you suck the first month and I'm stuck with you? That's why I come in. He would give me your name and I'd call you in the least I had. Pete LaBamba here. You know, Pete LaBamba is not really Pete, but I'm not, I don't have time right now.

Pete, listen, shut the fuck up. I got your name and number from my friend. He says you want a role for the year. I don't want to sign people for the year. The type of play I am in one fucking month, you're going to get so much money, you're not even going to want to know me no more. But I can't, I got a lot of customers.

And I'd make up some cock-a-mamey story and I'm going to sign them for a month, $2,250 for the fucking month. Unlimited. If whatever I get, you get. If I get Chinese ping-pong, if I get two fucking goldfish for the wrestling in a park in fucking Chicago, you're going to get the winner of that fucking ad. And I'd sign them for the month.

For unlimited picks. Unlimited picks. And I give them three picks a week tops. They'd be calling me for seven, fuck you, three. We're going to make money. I'm going to give you one on Saturday, one early, and then the winner of the Sunday night game of the total. Did you have any sources or were you just picking them for yourself?

I had some sources, but I was picking them myself. I knew some of the football players in the Seahawks and I'd ask them preprequested for shit. Well, what are you asking? Like who's looking good at practice? I had to ask them, you know, when you played against these guys, how was the defense at the hit hard? What do you think?

You know, stupid thing. Not enough to make you bet money on it to be honest. That's what you're asking me. That's just like, yeah, I just, I never, I wouldn't even know. Every time you talk about the sports betting, I can't imagine, I can't believe you got people to pay just for like your, what you think is going to happen. Well, at this time, yeah, but when I worked for a service,

they had real information. They would have people and reps and shit like that. Oh really? So they would actually? Yeah, they, the reason why you paid them is because when I worked for the big company I worked for, he had people. Wow. He had coaches and different players and, you know, he just had people.

It was, they had a, I forget what college it was for, but like two or three weeks ago, they had an assistant coach who wasn't even at the school anymore. I think it was a, what's it one in Texas? It's a D, whatever it is. I think, I think like they, he was giving offensive game plans to other coaches. It was, I can't, it's crazy. And that's it.

That's all you need. So I wouldn't, I didn't know those type of people. I knew the type of people that would tell you that the quarterback's knees fucked up. There's no injury report on it. Oh, so if he gets hit once or twice, it's going to be bad. You know, he's not going to be able to throw that far. Like different things that you knew that nobody else knew. And then during the game, you look like a hero.

Oh yeah. His knee hurt. What I'd tell you, his knee got, you follow me. That's the information that impresses people. He was out all night. His, his, his God forbid his, somebody he knows got hit by a fucking train. His mind's not been there for the last week. That type of shit.

I know it's not available anymore, but was numbers just the easiest thing in the world? Cause you didn't have to have any, it was just taking numbers. You were literally just writing numbers down. Yeah, that's it. Numbers are still available, but it's a one man operation. And it's got to be an ethnic neighborhoods. Oh, you think they still do it? Yeah, yeah, they still do it.

I know for a fact they still do it. If there's numbers and people have dreams, it's a great racket. Yeah. And that replaced the only thing that fucked it up was, you know, one of the lottoes and stuff came in. But back to the story I was telling us, I'm living in this office. I'm probably pulling down 800 a week on this little scam I got upstairs, which ain't bad. People sending me money to a Western union and then I would get you to go up there

where I would pick the money up. You could only go to Western union a few times under your name. So I would go one time. I'd pay you a hundred to go with me. I'd give Josh Wolf a hundred to go with me. Gavin a hundred to go with me. Brody a hundred to go with me. And I'd send the money to their name.

Oh, shit. I didn't know that. Pick it up for me and just give me the money at the comedy club later. There's one right here. I knew all the Western unions. I knew where they all were. So is that what they... I never knew what Western unions were for.

I never knew anyone had a lot of money. Now you could send it to me on PayPal. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. I don't even have to go to Western union. Now you want the information, give me a PayPal account. Send me 300 right now on PayPal. That's it.

That's it. So I got this guy. Here's where it gets ugly. I was making money off guys, calling them up. Like I would be on the road and on Sunday morning I'd have to get up early and call people on a dime, on a payphone with fucking quarters because I was on the road. I didn't have my 800 lumber.

I'd have to call people and go, hey, Pete, what's going on? Listen, Joey, I'm on the fucking road. I'm on my way to Chicago. I'm sitting in the fucking box with the owner. Like I just bullshitting. And really you're doing comedy? Yeah, I'm in Portland, Oregon in the fucking whole town.

I guess a woman getting beat next to me and shit. And I could smell a hair on fire. And I'm telling this guy on the phone, I'm in the fucking rich. I got a butler. His name is Charles. He's massaging my anus, you know, shit like that. Meanwhile, I'm in this fucking dump. And I'd say, you know, I sent you the information.

I'd have in Western union me more money. I'd have people pick it up for me. I'd call Brody. Whatever way you had picked up that money, I'll see you Monday night at the fucking comedy club. And then I would dispatch my games. But anyway, I'm going to bar one night and I start talking to this guy and we're talking back and forth.

Next time we have Josh on, he'll tell you. I think we discussed it one time. And we're talking about sports. Papa, I think I goes, I don't have a bookmaker. I go, well, it's your lucky day. I got a bookmaker. And I did this for years. I did this with my ex-drug dealer.

Oh, no. Yeah, I used to do this all the time. I just call you out and put a bug in here. But with this guy, I told him I could call him Betsy and after a few weeks, I went to do she to the bookmaker. This guy was the kiss of death. He was giving me a thousand to 1500 every week. And sometimes I wouldn't take his action.

So sometimes he'd call me if I didn't like the game. I go, listen, he's had a fucking game. Fuck. I want to get in the next day. Call me back. God damn it. I knew I could. Then when he'd call me and if I liked the game, in fact,

he'd call me first. And if I like, let's say Dallas and they were playing the, who's Dallas playing next week? The Kansas, are they playing Kansas City? No. Kansas is AFC team. Dallas is in there. Let me look it up.

Dallas is playing Green Bay. Oh, you're right. I got him in this fucking room and you're the sports guy. Let's say Dallas is playing Green Bay next week. Dallas, I don't know if Dallas, I don't, I don't know what this, I'm just making this up. Let's say Dallas is playing Green Bay in Dallas, and Dallas is giving four points.

I love Dallas. I would, when he called me and asked me who I liked, I'd pitch him Green Bay. Oh yeah, Green Bay is tough. In fact, I'm going to bet a thousand on Green Bay myself. Were you ever going to win or just so he would like, keep doing it with you? No.

He lost for three weeks. He would pick a winner, but by that time he'd be down 900. And he'd win 400. He still owed me the juice and the original $50. So I would get, I was getting them every week. Finally, me and Josh are going to Moscow, Idaho. We're leaving and I got to meet this guy. This guy was my gas money.

This guy was my gas money. We had no money. The plan was to meet him. We're going to go have a big hearty lunch on Uncle Joey and fill that tank up and get a bag of wheat to drive to go. Like doctors. We get down there. I go to collect from the guy.

The guy's like, no, I'm not giving you the money. This is like the fifth time in a row I've paid you and I still haven't met the mob guy. And I'm like, listen, he don't want to meet nobody right now. I need this fucking loot. And we argued for 20 minutes on the street. He was yelling at me.

I'm not giving it to him. I said, I'm not going to argue with you no more. Either you give me the money or you can't put no more bets in. And by two weeks you're going to get a knock on your door. And I'm not threatening you. I'm just telling you what it is with these people. I did you a favor and now you're going to do this to me. Now I got to go pay the fucking 1200 for you.

And I walked in the bar and three minutes later he came in. Okay, I'll give you the money. But next week I want to meet the guy. And that was the last bet I took from him. Absolutely. Oh, that's when you know to take your losses. That was it. And by the way, the line on Dallas is Dallas minus four.

Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? God damn it. At home. Yeah. In Dallas. Yeah. And I didn't even know that. I just took a fucking lucky bet.

God damn it. And we're almost quarterbacking. Is he really? I don't know. I don't think so. I'm just fucking saying here. But that was the mentality even then. Like once I, when I got to Seattle, I was already on a roll.

Like I was already making moves. I was making moves. I wasn't making and boulder because I was focusing so much on what was going on with my child and the divorce that I couldn't do anything. Criterity or sometimes you have all your energy in that. And that's what we were talking about the other day. Today I go, even sometimes when you have a girlfriend, the first year I get it. I get it, man.

I understand love. You know, I fell in love various times in my life. But the last time I fell in love was the only way I played the card. Right. And that's why I'm still with us 16 years. I played it to the T. I didn't give it in the beginning. I stuck to my guns.

I'm a comedian. This is what I do. There's no Christmas Eve. I'm working, you know, new years. I do a comedy show. This is what I do on your birthday. Guess what? This is what I do on my birthday.

There's no vacay. You know, I made this from the beginning. So there was no line. I always got burnt because I'm like everybody else. When a girl tells you, you know, I love cancer and muffins. Me too. As long as you give me that pussy, I love what you love. We fucking just talk shit to get into her pants.

And then once after we get into her pants, we have to tell the truth. Yeah. When you have to go home or listen, I got to do shit. You know, and that's where it bites you in the ass later on. But it also bites you in the ass with relationships. It bites you in the ass with friendships. And we're really bunching the ass is what we learned today. Business.

A hundred percent. Business, business. You know, today some guy hit me up from a Subaru dealer. A really good guy talks to me on Facebook from time to time, you know. And I've always told people that I worked with a lot of car dealers and I worked with a lot of great salesmen. Okay. But there was one guy I sold with that was a psychological salesman.

And he had a deal and he goes, every time you do this, you will sell a car. I get 90 percent of the time, if you do it this way, you will sell a car until this day. I believe it. And the reason why I do not believe in giving away free tickets to comedy shows at all, at all is the same reason. Ten years ago, I can not sell this reason, but today I can't. Why couldn't you sell it?

Because all I had was my stand up to offer. Now, when you come watch me, you pay for the podcast, you pay for the stand up, the videos, with JRE, you know, all that stuff. This is the payoff from all that stuff. Are you with me kind of sort of here? Yeah, all those years of work where maybe you didn't get paid for because I didn't know any work around stand up. OK, now we give you free content.

You know, there's the YouTube videos, all this shit is just us fucking around. I don't think of money or nothing. When I started doing this, I didn't think of money or nothing. It was just to get ourselves out there so people would come to the fucking shows. You're I think that's you're paying for experience. You're paying for the years of open mics. And that's why some people like, well, I could do this for half the money. Like, yeah, you could.

You could get a comedian for a show for 100 bucks, but it's not going to be as good as the comedian for 500. It's crazy. People always want to nickel and dime you, but you're really paying for experience. Well, a lot of but that's what, you know, we were talking about today, you were talking about a certain situation that there was no deposit taken. And I tell people all the time to deposit. And I didn't write this.

I didn't invent this. I just learned this through a car business that that guy already pressler, God bless his soul, wherever he is, one of my all time favorite juice. He turned me into not a car salesman, but a salesman. He really did. It's like tomorrow. It's going to be a year that I walked into Alberto crane school. And it's one of the best things I ever did for myself in my life.

I'm not a world champion. Jiu-Jitsu guy. I'm not going to the pan Americans. I don't, I get beat up by blue belts and I am a blue belt, but the commitment just that I kept going and all that shit, I liked that. I can't wait for it for two years to tell you guys, I've been there for two years because even at this age, you have to stick to something. You know, I wanted to talk to you about this,

about control factors that you think I'm crazy. I know that you go home at night and talk to Paul and go, Joey, this is crazy. And I know that people have mentioned it to me, but I want to tell you where it came from. I had, I couldn't, I didn't have control of drugs over me. And I didn't have control of me stealing, but I was a fucking thief and all that. And I had no control over my drug habit and I had no control over myself. So I found different ways to control myself. You know, I didn't get fat till I got older.

When I was younger, all those years, that was my control to the T. When I told you, I would eat a can of tuna fish with salt and pepper. I ate a can of tuna fish with salt and fucking pepper. One summer, I, somebody said to me, Joey, you got heavy. I didn't get heavy. I just gained weight. I took that so personally for a summer, I ate tuna out of a fucking can and American cheese and a protein shake every fucking day. Why do you think that is in part of your life?

Like you can be so disciplined, but in other parts you can't control. You know, I didn't believe in letting everything go out of control. Okay. So the drug is out of control and there's nothing. I have $100 in my pocket and I have $200 in that table for rent. I could snort the $100. I would snort all $300. There was no control. There was a club when I was growing up called Quintessence. This is when I started my little stupidity.

I started my little stupidity like in high school. On Friday nights, I wouldn't go out some nights and it would drive my friends crazy. As a discipline, I would not go out to punish myself. Everything, everything in the world, I would not go out. Just to prove to myself that I had control in some areas. Then this club opened up called Quintessence and all my friends would go up there and they would all come back with the same stories every fucking night. By this time it was 1983, 82, I never walked into Quintessence.

I didn't give a fuck. If eight of my best friends were going, I would refuse to go up there. I never went up there and that was the discipline. That was the only part of my life I had discipline over. Did you not go out and not do the drugs? No, because I could do drugs on Saturday nights. Sometimes I just stayed in the drugs. I can't lie to you and tell you I wasn't doing drugs. I would just stay in with a gram of coke and do it by myself.

So what was the point of proving this to yourself if it's the least bad that you wouldn't? Go in there that I wouldn't go in there. That's why when I say to you, I won't eat Chinese until I go to New York and you look at me like, I stick to it. When I tell you I won't eat no other pizza, but that Joe's either slice it to his maintenance until I get to New York next year. You think I'm kidding. You know I'm right. No, I know you're right, but here's the thing.

It seems like you pick it randomly. It's like, okay, I'm going to be really strict, but fuck ranch, fuck. Like it just seems like you have like really weird sticks in the sand. And I understand them. Like when you explain it to me, I get it, but it's just like, why does he care about Cuban steak? Like why? Like I don't know.

I'm trying to be blanking. Why does he care about donuts? Why does he care about where I get my donuts? Or why does he care about where I get my pizza? Like who gives a shit? Because I always want you to get the best. Yeah, but then you say you want to live in the office. Then you say you-

At that point in my life. Okay. Listen, when I'm living in this office, if I'm going for 900 a month, guess what? I think I'll be eating some Subway sandwiches. Right. Okay, which I did. When I first started coming, I ate more veggie cheese sandwiches than you ever dreamed of. I would never eat those fucking nasty cold cuts,

but I would inhale those veggie cheese sandwiches on the road, one half, one six inch for lunch and the other six inch for dinner. That's what you gotta do. That's what you gotta do. Those chips, I'd steal a bag of chips on the way out. I'd fucking drink so much Mountain Dew in those Subway sandwiches, Mountain Dew would be fucking coming out of my eyeballs. Because that's what you have to do.

If I'm living here, you don't think I'm going to be getting a pizza from 7-Eleven? At one o'clock at night, when I walk down there, hungry as a motherfucker and that bad pizza is staring me in the face. Because if I'm living here, if you're walking on ice, your mother's will dance. I might as well- I still wouldn't eat ranch dressing. I still wouldn't do a lot of things. But I think I would eat one of those pizzas.

Because that's the situation I put myself in. That's the situation I accepted to be in. Oh, okay. So it upsets you because I have the means to not eat Subway? Or like why are you doing this to yourself if you can afford the extra three bucks for a nice sandwich? It's not your lifestyle. It's like you live in a one bedroom apartment. You live so very nice, you're neat.

And all of a sudden you got this disgusting fucking pizza and disgusting wings at your house that you look at the wing and they're fucking like gray. Like it's an old chicken that got stabbed, this is shit. Yeah, I don't know. And I think a lot of people do it. Like they sabotage themselves in a weird way. Like they'll work hard for other people, but when it comes to themselves, they won't work out or they won't work on their business.

It's, I don't understand why that happens. It's called procrastination. Every year I read that The War of Art every year by Steven Pressfield. Every year I read that in January just to give me a little boost. And again, you know, it's procrastination. You know, and I can't use it more than the word of writing. When you first move here and you want to be a writer, you go to Samuel French and you buy every book in there and you read half of it.

And then you go, fuck, I'm not a writer because the only way you can learn how to write is to write. It's to get down every day and write the fucking six hours. And it comes together eventually. You know, for a year I wrote shitty blogs with wrong spelling and bad pronunciation, but I learned how to write again. I mean, you know, I was a comic. I didn't know how to write a fucking blog. I don't know how to fucking write a blog.

I forgot about couldn't and wouldn't and I forgot about you and your. I forgot about all that shit. I've been writing jokes in the car on a piece of fucking paper with a pen. What do I know about you and yours and fucking this and that? But then why did you keep doing it? Like that's where that's where I think the difference is, is that you kept doing it. And I'm seeing that I never stuck to nothing. I was the kid that stuck to one thing in his life from the age of six to the age of 14.

I went to karate religiously until to the age of 15. Maybe even no 16 to my mother died that long. Wow. That year I went to karate religiously except when those three years I went to catch the school. I would only go on Saturdays, but I'd stay the whole day. Like I'd go at 10 and stay for the kid class, the other kid class, the adult class and the sparring class. Like I wouldn't get home till four.

And then from there we go into New York City to Honda and we'd buy fucking swords and new chunks and stars and I get a new gi. That's what I did on Saturdays when I went to Catholic school. Friday night I went to the movies. Saturday night I spent with my family, eating dinner, talking at the bar. And Sunday I had breakfast with my family, lunch with my family and then I'd go to school. And that's the only thing you stuck with is martial arts. Martial arts.

Once I quit martial arts, the only thing I stuck with was drugs. But 27 fucking years I stuck it out with drugs. I didn't join Scientology for 27 years. I did drugs for 27 fucking years. Then realized that was a fucking wrong turn. Okay. 27 years. And then in all my fucking stupidity, I got into comedy and I knew I had to stick with it

because I had nothing else, nothing else. And who wants to be fucking 40 with nothing else in their fucking life? At the age of 40, okay. Was I successful or anything? Not at all. I'm still not fucking successful. Let me tell you what I was at the age of fucking 40. I've been on mad TV maybe.

I'd shot a pilot for CBS. I did baseball. I was featuring in Co-Headline, but I still had no fucking self-esteem. I mean, I still was doing fucking drugs, so none of that shit mattered. As a kid? So at 40, I did have a direction. You had a direction? That's what I'm trying to say.

I had a direction. Now it was up to me to take it levely, levels. But that's, in my head, at 40, let me just put you at 18, by 40, I'm a CEO, I have a mansion. I think 40 is like, you're basically done. At 18, that's what I thought. Now 40 is only 12 years away. I'm like, oh shit, because what we were talking about at the beginning, just going back, it says people change every five to seven years.

Careers. Right. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to go back to 40, I'm going to go back to 40, careers. Right. Right now. But is it an upswing in careers or is it a downswing in careers? Not necessarily.

Robert De Niro had that movie a couple years ago. I didn't see it like the intern. It says that you should have money saved up. Like this is an article about changing careers. You should have money saved up for the training period, which is, it could be actually training or it could just be the first three years of anything. Three years, three to four years, not making dick. And that's fucked up because, all right, let's say, I've thought about this before,

let's say it's three to four years to build up, then you have three to four years of doing good, and then what you get sick of it, and then you start again. So you have three to four years to make your. Okay. So let's eliminate that. Okay. Okay. So I did all that shit early, correct?

Right. Yeah. I did all that shit early. And by the time 1995 came at the age of 32, I knew exactly what I wanted to go for. Let's get something straight. Wanted to go for big difference than anything else. At that time, I was not thinking of movies or TV.

I knew that that was just a fucking pipe dream. I thought that even if I came to LA, if I even came to LA, I'd just end up a fucking extra. Okay, maybe if I was fucking lucky, but by the age of 40, now at least I had a direction. Was I going to be Louis CK? Was I going to be Kevin Hart? Not at all. But I knew one thing at 40. I could make a living.

I was in the union now. I was going to get a pension and I had insurance. And for a guy like me that pulled his own teeth out with a wrench, I never thought I'd had any of these fucking things. Wow. So you're content with your life at 40? No. No.

No. But I knew I was on the right direction. Satisfaction is a complete different thing. How long did it take you to get to say, are you at satisfaction? Yes and no. Fuck. The satisfaction was that I made the right choice. But at least I stuck with it.

See what I'm saying? That's the satisfaction of it that I did something. You didn't quit. You have a full career in comedy now. So the other career I picked up at this age was jujitsu. And it's not a career. I just go to it. The first two years at VMAC and at Hagen Machado was my first two years of comedy.

Flip flab. I do it a week here. I'll take this week off. My body needs to rebuild. Who the fuck are you with? You're Steve Austin. Suddenly you know what your body needs. Yeah.

No. When I made the constant decision of what I wanted to do, when you threw me on my back that day and your ghee ripped and I was wrestling in there with fucking the old guy Nick and John Budd and I was still breathing heavy. And I was still getting stuck in stupid positions. I said, this is it. I got to get into a program like because I'm an animal type of dude. I want to do this right.

And I just so happened to look on the web page and they had a fundamental class. And that's exactly what I needed. I needed fundamentals like in stand-up. I fucked around for two years. Now I understood what they were saying. Okay. You got to write jokes. You got to write jokes.

You could improvise here, but you got to write jokes here. You could do this here, but you know, and that's what happened this year that I improved that much in this year. My breathing got a little better. I'm a little bit more comfortable on my back. Am I a world champion? No. But I know even if it takes me eight years to put all the pieces together,

I know that the pieces come together. And that's one of the many reasons I do this podcast. When I first started doing this podcast, I did not think we would get to these heights or we would be at this getting downloads or whatever. I did this podcast to let everybody know that you could get there. It's all bullshit that they feed you. You could get there if you really want it.

If you really fucking want it. So Lee and I started talking shit Sunday night. We're both high as fuck and we're babbling here. And we're talking about being 28 again and what things you would do. What would I do differently? I would have never gotten married. I would have used this now. You gotta remember if I'm 28 now, okay?

I'd use that Tinder app and I wouldn't stop till I got VD and gonorrhea and pimples on my face or whatever. I don't know. That's why they invented that app guys. So you don't need to get married. Everybody's in. Everybody knows what time it is. I'm going to meet you.

You're going to meet me. We're going to do some jumping jacks and then I'm going back to my life and you're going back to your fucking life and we won't tell nobody. Okay. And I would take four years like Lee said, which would be a transition period. What would the transition period be? A transition period is you take a look at your bills. You really take a look at your bills and you go walk them and live without underwear.

Never again. Bro, I haven't had cable in a year and a half and I'm the biggest TV nerd in the world. You look at your schedule and you go, what do? Yeah. I, what do I not need? No, no, even you, even a guy like you right now. If you came to me to my garden, let's take the Volkswagen back. That's going to get a seven year car with no payment.

You know, insurance is paid for. It's a solid car. It's checked out. It's got low mileage. You're going to drive an import. It's not going to blow up. Okay. It's not going to have a nice leather sheet.

The bedroom you got, we're going to move that same bedroom up to fucking Tarzana and make it a studio and make it a studio. You know what I'm saying? You're going to get your computer, blah, blah, blah. I mean, that's, and you look at that and right there, boom, you're ready. But Joey, the gas, well, we're going to figure something out for the gas too. We're going to get open mics around there for your gas. You know, you cut all that shit needs to cut.

That's the four year transition. And I'm seeing a similar thing with opening an office or starting a business. There's all these things out there that you can spend money on. Hiring CPA, getting a nice bigger office, getting the nicer furniture. I learned from you this year, I got a computer chair from my house. I went to that second hand office furniture place. I was like, why am I going to pay for a brand new chair when I can get one for 40 bucks for that's just as good.

And then, but that's your first thing. My, at least my first impulse is always to get, spend more money, pay my way out of the issue. I mean, I'm no fucking business mogul here. A couple of years ago, Lee calls me up. There's an office in Facebook. It's a $1200 up in fucking Van Nuys. They had a view of Gelsons.

They had a balcony, had a smoking room, had a visitors room. And I looked at Lee and I go, Lee, this is nice. But it's a G note, LaRue. We still got to pay for commercial fucking internet tables, this, that, this. And we could, and we ended up in one office that was a dump. We got a victim from there. But look, they called us two years and we got a nice fucking office. We pay a nice rent in here.

You know, we got to pay the commercial internet. There's nothing you can do. You can't beat those cocksuckers. And it's a business. It's become a little business for us, you know. But I can have exuberant cameras and a fucking publicist and a team of producers. And, and what'd you get? What'd you get?

What'd you get? You got nothing. These people love to, you know, when you see a movie and of course 75 million to make, do they tell you about the lobster tails they bought on that set? And the, and the people who are making $22 an hour holding a fucking wire, they tell you about those guys. Those of you don't, that same movie, you can make that movie for a fucking a million dollars. You can make that movie for three quarters of a million dollars.

And then what the studio paid $30 million for. But there's so much waste. You would sit there and die. You would sit there and fucking die. How many times have we had discussions and I start cutting stuff off and you go, but I don't understand because you don't need it. It's not necessary. I learned when I became a comic.

When I became a comic, I showed everything down and got a page of it, whatever it was a month, $7.95 a month. That was my nut. When I first started listening to you on podcast, you didn't have a cell phone. Really? Yeah. On one of the very first Rogans, I think they talk about you getting your first cell phone. You know, I got my first cell phone in 2004.

Oh fuck, go ahead. In 2003, when I first got Spider-Man 2, yeah. Oh, the message has been the source. I went right to the set of Spider-Man 2, the sprint, and they gave me a phone for $200 a month. That was my credit limit. And if I was $0.30 over, they would shut my fucking phone off. Oh, God.

I started with sprint a long fucking time ago. What do you mean? I just got my page. But to get back to what we're talking about, it's so, I think there's a lot. Like I see kids tonight, I talk to, you know, I see I was $0.36. I mean, he's got a lot going on. But even a kid like him, he's scared. He told us on the show.

You know, he told us afterwards. This is, this is fucking weird. We're playing for fucking keeps here. You know, and I really don't think that when kids go to college, they know what they're getting themselves into. You said something at the beginning of the podcast. You know, this is the year of the podcast, folks. I don't know what to tell you.

And I understand that you'd like to do a podcast. You have something to say. We all have something to say. So you have something to say. You're like, fuck it, if Joey could do it, Lee could do it, if fucking this move could do it, if this move could do it, I want to start a podcast. Right now, Lee's getting calls every other fucking day

from eight people a day that want to start a podcast. And they show up with these exuberant demands that need Lee knows. It's not like what Joe Rogan's been doing a podcast for eight years, one of the pioneers of podcasts. He comes to Lee and says, I want to do this podcast. These are limitations. Lee knows that he could cover the fucking spread. But some guy that's been an accountant

and all of a sudden wants to show up here and do a podcast and do all these outlandish things, talk about football and flowers and fucking veterinarians and all this shit. It just doesn't. So Lee has to deal with this shit. I think it goes back to what you were talking about earlier, expectations. If you want to do a podcast for you, for the people who like what you do, but it's not going to, people are contacting me and they're,

they don't come out and say it. But in reality, what they're saying is I want to be like Rogan. I want to, and that's great. And that's great. But the reality is you have to, you have to, it's not good. It's not going to be as easy as just starting a podcast. You know what they sound like? The people who were like me in 91 who thought that they were going to get

on stage one time and get discovered. Right. Yeah. That's the fucked up dream of what's going on with podcasting right now. And listen, I appreciate your dream. We all got to start with a dream, but I want your expectations to also be, what is it? I'm doing a podcast with a wrestler, a professional wrestler. Let's talk about opera.

No, nobody wants to hear about opera from a fucking wrestler. If you're a wrestler, they want to talk about your experience as a wrestler. I'm a comic and criminal. I did time. I'm a parent. I'm a fucking thousand things. I love music. I love to eat food.

You know, and that's the thing. If people could just look, look at themselves and be like, okay, I wanted to talk about UFC, but then there's Rogan. There's fighter and the kid, whatever. But I really like horses. I really like taking care of horses. I'd much rather you do that and do something and talk about something that you love. Then then, okay, well, all these, I like UFC.

My buddy's like UFC. We're going to get drinks and talk about UFC. That's great. You know, I'm sure you'll have a good time. What they, what they really mean is I want to have a conversation with my friends and then just do that. But, but it's, and there's some of them that are fine and they're great and there's different levels.

So expectations, but to come in with expectations of being a show that's going to get ads and you're talking about the same stuff. Seven thousand other podcasts are talking about now. It's just not realistic and not that I have the perfect formula. But I've seen what you've done. That's really what I've done this past five years is watch you. You asked me quite, you keep, you're very nice. You always ask me, I give you some ideas, but I've really, I've watched you.

How you, the moves you make. And that's why I get annoyed sometimes. Sometimes I tell Paul, you're crazy more often than not. I get pissed because what you're saying is not what I was taught and you're going against it and you're like, well, fuck them. We're going to do this. We're going to do that. And it might not happen six months, but then it happens like three and a half years later.

And I'm like, mother fuck, like it just, I don't know. And that's what I want. But I don't think you can do it without the experience. You said about the college thing earlier. I don't, I think it's a very big difference that first time you're looking for a job at a college because now the job actually matters. Listen, Lee, you have to lose before you could win. Why?

Because that's just the way it is. It makes that win a lot better. The moves you see me do are not because I'm better than you or I'm pulling whatever on you or because I've seen these moves already. And I've seen people who fall for tricks and I've seen people who smoke for smoke and mirrors. And what they really want is two fat fucks talking. Right. Yeah.

So I could come in here with a 360 degree camera and you're going to get the pimple on my neck and the fucking dog shit on my sneaker. And it's very avant-garde, but we forget what the purpose is. When I went from being, what's the word you said? Shanie. No, about expectations. Oh yeah. I went from having wild expectations to accepting what I had.

I went from wanting to be. From a dream. From Letterman coming in to me saying to myself, I'm going to keep working at this. And eventually I turned my life around. I didn't go for the big fucking picture. All I wanted to hear was what did I really want? I didn't want to fucking live my life with the cloud of fucking going to prison all my life. What does that mean?

That on the 30th of a month you come to me and you go, Joey, we don't have to rent on the first. And also you're going, you're safe an hour later and both of your guns are missing. You're following me. I didn't want that to ever happen. Not that I was going to go shoot somebody, but maybe I know what is a pound of cocaine that I can go rob and 10,000 in cash. I was the type of guy that was that much of a loose cannon. That when things were going really well, I would have a bad week and fucking falter,

like just fall apart. And I'd start thinking about robbing this guy, the contacts I had made the last three or four months while I was doing great. This is the one bad thing happened. And I'd end up right back in planet fucking zero. Now I'd have to leave because the people looking for a coke and they think they know who they, you know what I'm saying? So I got sick and tired of living with that.

I wanted to eliminate that. Did I want to be rich? Not at all. I was content with a single fucking bed, a studio apartment, a television with cable and a shower and a shitter. And I could go to a house. What's that place for you bike? Food for clothes for less food for less food.

No, no, the other place. Oh, Ross Ross. I go to Ross and I get three shirts for $18 with a weird stitch on the neck. Dog. I was very content with that. I was very content with that. But then something happened on the way to the fucking dance because I always wanted to be Charles Bronson.

I always wanted to be Sylvester Stallone and live by myself in a fucking cave. I met a woman and you know what, man? It's funny. Whenever you pitch a script, no matter what script you pitch, they always say to you, where's the love interest? And you sit there and you go, this guy, I don't know fucking love interest. And all of a sudden you realize that, you know what, man? Every great story has a love interest.

And that's what really happened. I ended up meeting my wife. I got those fucking stupid cats. I got a little fucking responsibility in my life. I couldn't put it all on her shoulders, even though I was addicted to blow. And every month I'd raise my income by 50 to 100 bucks. And when you're doing comedy, I'm commissioned only basis people. That's a lot.

That's a lot to look at. And I had simple goals, 1500, 2000, 2200, 2300. For me, it was a big deal when I stopped losing money every month. Just when I broke even. That was exciting for me. Just breaking even. You know, and I think that people put their expectations high and then they get cracked. You know, you go to school, Lee, you asked me an interesting question before,

and I didn't make that statement to make anybody feel bad. You go to school, Lee, you go to college. You marry a high school sweetheart. You have two kids. She gains 80 pounds. She don't want to suck your dick no more. You're 35. You worked at the same company for eight years for you to get fucking promoted.

The guy's got to die twice and he ain't going to die in the next 20 years. You're never getting fucking promoted. You know, and you look at all those things and that's when life becomes hard. That's when you see those people drink after work. That's when you see substance abuse problems. You're basically stuck. You're stuck. You know, you've become a slave to your fucking stupid shit.

You're stuck, man. You're fucking stuck, man, and I've been stuck. We're all fucking stuck. And that's why I think the career change happens. I think that my wife, take my wife, for example, my wife woke up to the morning and she goes, I'm fucking sick and tired of making money for somebody else, of taking care of other people's money.

I'm going to take care of our fucking money. I'll do the paperwork. I'll fill out the taxes. I'll do all that stuff and I'll take care of the baby. And I'll take a chunk out of here and that's what we do. We make it fucking work, you know. But I think a lot of people, one day they get up, man, and they go, I'm not doing this no more.

I'm going to go on my own. And that's where it takes a lot of balls. Even if you fail one time, I ain't mad at you because you still took a fucking shot, man. I really like you. If you don't take that shot, Lee, that's when I get mad at you. If you came to me in December and said, you know what, dog? I don't want to do the church no more.

I love it. I still want to be a guest on here once a month, but I don't want to do it no more. I'm going to start this business. If you don't start that business and after six months, you don't like it and you want to come back, am I going to go find you a little bit? I got to go find you for 10 minutes

because you made me feel bad on the way out. But at the same time, I got a different king of respect for you because now you know what happened? You become a dangerous man. Okay? You become a dangerous man. You know, Lee, it's going to take a lot for you to punch me in the face. But if I kick you in the stomach,

oh, you'll punch me in the face. The same thing happens with life, Lee. Sometimes you need fucking life to kick you in the fucking stomach. And you know, Lee, I feel bad for you. You ready for this one? Sometimes it kicks you once or twice or three times. Did we did with your dad? Absolutely.

Your mom got kicked once or twice. Everybody takes a strike once or twice. It's how you fucking come back from it, brother. If you're going to get depressed and go lay down, but if you come to me and go, Joe, I got no money in my refrigerator, dog. But I got an idea. I will start a podcast.

I already talked to this advertiser. He's going to give us 300 a month. I can work with you. You know what? Go by the house, take the groceries. I'll give you 200 later for groceries. There's people who bounce back from that shit, man. You know what?

Listen, let me tell you something. I'm going to look you in the fucking face and tell you something. Do you think prison was a kick in the stomach to me? It wasn't. Oh, my God. It wasn't because I expected it. That's how much of a low life I was from day one. Oh, my God, Joe.

Prison was not a kick in the stomach to me. You know, it was a kick in the stomach to me, my divorce. The words, the lies, what was done afterward. I could not believe I was involved in this situation. And I would never wish on anybody, especially to get lied to. And for your ex to move your child in with another man. And we could go on here for hours. That destroyed me because I've always said,

the hardest thing in life is holding your little girl and smelling another man's cologne on her. Or your little boy and holding another man's cologne on her. That there's nothing worse than that fucking scent. When you have a child and you get a divorce and all of a sudden your fucking kid's calling that fuck daddy. And he's coming to you with that cologne on. And you know, and you got to smell that shit.

Nothing rips your insides apart more than that. That was the real kick in the fucking stomach for me. But it was a kick in the stomach and many levels late. Not just, I wasn't heartbroken about the divorce as much as went on after the divorce. And then the levels of pain. Her lying to the court that I did drugs. And she never did a drug.

Her moving the kid. Her not letting me see the child. Then I lost faith in society all over again. I was just getting faith when my mother died. I just started getting faith. You know, I wasn't meant at the system for putting me in jail. Not at all. Not at all.

It was not a kick in the stomach, guys. In fact, it was an illumination in my fucking life. What do you mean illumination? It let me know what I could do and what I could withstand. In a thousand different ways. Before prison, I can't live without marijuana. I need to smoke marijuana, bitch. Wait till you go to prison and ain't no marijuana.

For you motherfuckers that got sleep apnea and can't sleep, you'll figure it out in prison. And for you non-penal-eating motherfuckers, you'll figure it out in fucking prison. Penals are good in that motherfucker. I don't like sardines. Wait till you go to prison. Wait till you and your three black buddies are eating sardines,

watching a basketball game, eating saltines and shit. Those sardines dipped in fucking mustard. Is it good? Oh, like a motherfucker when you're in prison. Ask me how many sardines I've eaten lately. How many? The Zelcho. Let me give you some shout outs to get this party fucking started.

You know what I'm saying? It's a weird animal, Lee. It's a weird kicks in the stomach. You're going to get them. And I'm fine. It's now, this is the beauty of it. There's some kicks you can't avoid. There's a thing called life, but there's kicks you can't avoid.

Those are the kicks I want you to avoid. I kept those kicks to a minimum. But people are going to die. Things are going to happen to people that are loved and close to you. And they take a little bit out of your wind little by little. You don't even know it. That dude that died that you knew that you didn't really know, they all take a little bit of the wind out of your cells.

That's why eventually you end up dying. Because the wind, you know what I'm saying? Like you lose your spirit in a way, you know? But what about when you have a wife and everything's going great and all of a sudden you cheat on your wife or your receptionist? That's 18 and her pussy's tighter than that. And next thing you know, she calls your wife and now your wife throws you out, throws you out of your house.

You just got kicked in the fucking stomach. And now the 18 year old is going back with her high school sweetheart because he divergenized her and taught her how to suck dick. And he promises he won't fuck the teacher no more. So now she goes back with him. So how the fuck are you going to, now you, that's kick number one. You got to start from scratch. Everybody at your job knows you're a degenerate fuck over an 18 year old

piece of pussy. You're probably going to lose your job. You know, so now what are you going to do? Now you have to zero in. Now you got to really zero in. How do you focus on your life? Because like we had, I had a situation last week where I didn't realize the situation, something I was doing was, was stupid.

And then when you look at it, like, oh, I was being an idiot. Like, is it just from doing it too many times and then realizing it again? Or can you be more focused as a human being on what you're doing and see yourself making a mistake? You know, I love how people fucking drink Red Bull and take all these pills for focus. There ain't nothing that alerts focus more than fucking hunger. When you're hungry, you'll focus, bitch. Think about that.

When you're hungry, you'll fucking focus. And you'll zero it all in and you'll figure out how to do it. I got very hungry after my divorce. I thought about how much things, how many things I fucked up because of this marriage. Like how many things I wanted to do, but you had to change your plans. I'm always very happy that I got into comedy. I was so brained at that time that I didn't know if I could even step on stage. So I'm very happy that I got on the stage, that somewhere a fucking win from an Indian

god fucking blew me up to that fucking stage. I'm really happy about that, you know. So like I said, if I was 28, I'd stay single. I'd keep my job, but at the same time, I'd be starting a business on the side. Whether it's online, some light. You buy t-shirts from this guy for a dollar and you sound to leave for $3. Something like just to teach you the business. Expectations, expectations.

Not that you're going to make it. I don't want you telling your mom, you're going to be a millionaire and you're going to sell little by little and then you get to meet people. And next thing you know, you're printing shirts. And next thing you know, you're working for a dude. But guess what? He's a coke freak and he went to rehabs. Now you took over the business and you made a profit of it.

When he got out of jail, he figured he didn't want to sell t-shirts no more. So he just gives you the business. He sells it to you for a dollar because you've been such a good fucking dog. And now you have a t-shirt business without even fucking knowing. That's how fast things could happen. You just look back after seven years and you have it. And I can't tell you how many people were trying to convince me to expand and do more right when I first started.

And that's, and I had to fight them. They were like, oh, you should get an office. You should start pitching to these groups and those groups. And I was like, I don't want to do that. I'm not ready for that yet. It's people, people push you way too fast. I don't know. I don't know if it's Shark Tank or what it is.

You and Shark Tank. Oh, fuck yeah. Shark Tank fucking. Shut the fuck up. Shark Tank. Let me give some shout outs here so we can get you out of here. Shark Tank. I'm being serious.

Brandy Lynn. I love you, my girl. Jeffrey Collins always on point. Jared Reynolds, my man Chris Bruins. Douglas is dumb. I love you. Ernie Zotz. Oh man, Lou.

Michael McCann and borderline human. You sexy bitch. Keep doing what you're doing. I love it. You know what I'm saying? I wouldn't do fucking drugs. No. I would smoke a lot.

Okay. At 28, you're done. You done your coke. You did your ecstasy. You tried heroin. You did an orgy. You had a threesome. And now you know what you want and what you don't want.

And that's basically it. Now you're setting, you got your wheels and you're ready to go. You work for somebody. You keep the lights on. You keep your refrigerator. You got your little money you're putting away, your little 401K. But at the same time, instead of fucking around

and being part of a fantasy fucking club and jumping up and down, why don't you do something for two hours a night? After you take a shower and eat dinner and talk to your girlfriend, two hours a night. Four nights a week, you get online and you fucking sell t-shirts or figure out a way how to make dough. There's a thousand ways online.

I didn't have these options. I had to go get 200 kway luts on the arm for 400. You know what I'm saying? Like you got to get like 100 kway luts for 200 bucks and sell them for four. If you start with $200 commitments, $200 commitments, become bigger commitments. People, what about it?

Isn't, and I met them. Small commitments become big commitments. You know how I know? I'm here because of that. In both directions. Little commitments become small commitments. The main thing here is commitment. We started off at a hundred bucks a week

to do YouTube videos. Little commitments become big commitments if you want them to. But some people have too much pride and they forget that the little commitments are how this whole party starts. Yeah, I'd love to fucking for Exxon to call me and offer me 800,000 a year as a fucking this.

But maybe that won't happen. What if they open a little window for me? And like I said, we're a little bit of luck and a little bit of hard work and a little bit of patience. You know, like I tell people, you go to like a place like Aspen, Colorado, you know which, any ski resort, I'm sorry to say this, you know how much traffic

there is in those places? What do you, like hard traffic? Like no, how much, how many people come and go? Okay. Tons, tons. Which means a guy like you that's smart, that really wants to put pieces together, he'd go to a place like that.

And after two years, he could excel in something, whether it's something with skis, with fitting or selling skis or working on the mountain. You know, there's always a fucking way to learn. You know, there's always, and there's different things. There's always, you know, all right, you start at routes. You start as a fucking clerk part time. And all of a sudden you're in the union

and a full-time job opens up and you move into that. And also they're looking for a night manager, a stock night manager, a different store. And you've been there for four years, so you got more experience than anybody. Also, you become the night stock manager. That really works. That really happens.

But it's not going to happen if the little commitment, if you can start there as a checker for six bucks an hour. And if you're not willing to do that. I don't get it. I never got that. What do you think would call me? Do you think they were showing up with $200 for me to emcee the first week? No.

Not even $200? No, I was getting $50 a show at the broker. That was like making $1,000 for an emcee. You get $15, you get 10 bucks. Jesus Christ. Anyway, talking about small commitments, becoming big commitments. 16 years ago, I hooked up with my wife and she had a little cat named Finny.

And between you and me guys, I didn't really fucking care from them much. I think my wife babied them too much. So I used to break his balls just to, you know, make them fucking be a man. I used to chase them with the vacuum and do crazy shit like that. You put him through training? Yeah, I ended up loving this cat.

I ended up falling in love with him and everything cats stood for. And then I got Fidel, then I got Sissy. And we just had a nice little cat family. And then like a year later, kitten started popping up and this cat started killing him. So my wife saw them, they were living on a roof. And she saw the kitten fall off the roof and bleed from his nose.

And the mother walked away from him because if she brought him with him, he'd attract other cats and kill him. So they let Demi there. So my wife brought Demi upstairs. And then one day I was going somewhere like a day later and there was a little ball of gray cat. And I'm like, and I quit calling my wife,

there's a gray cat that won't stop me howling. And my wife called me back and then she goes, leave him out there. We can't bring him upstairs. And I'm like, but he's fucking beautiful. And then she came home and we brought him up, fed him. And then that's Harry today. And then we have five fucking cats.

And then also a year later, three, you know, there was still fucking mating out there. And now there's four cats out there and we're trying to give them away. And anyway, to make a long story short, this Super Bowl Sunday, Anthony Anderson's going to be having a new show on Animal Planet that I shot like two, three months ago.

And I actually told the story about my super bad cat, how I made a promise and stopped snowing cold. And that was nine years ago when super bad's still alive and they enjoyed the story. So they asked me to put together a presentation and give it to them. And they're going to make a decision whether the network wants to work with me on a weekly show,

you know, and it would be like a Joey D. I'd be like an Anthony board day in a cat. So I would go to Miami and visit this place and go to Detroit and talk to these people who make saddles for cats and go to New York, where these guys are taking pictures of cats with gold and drugs and guns and shit like that. And people love their cat and there's a lot of cool.

People love their cats and it's so weird. Like I'm not a cat, I fucking know it all. But I know the main thing about a cat is they want to be loved. That's it. You know, they just want to be fucking loved. So, so that's what I know about cats. And over the years I've talked to different people and vets and I talked to the cat women in my neighborhood.

In fact, when I have one of these crazy chicks on the fucking podcast in a few weeks. So I'm going to put together a presentation for Animal Planet. You know, I'm going to go to a couple of places. I mean, the public will never see it. It's not like I could put it out there. It's an interesting world. It's a page.

It's like they call it a scissor wheel or like a presentation. And they just it's like a little mini version of the show. Of the show. It's going to be 10 to 12 minutes. I got to go visit a fucking a place where you take your cats when they're obese. Okay. So I'm going to take Harry and Demi. They got pretty big over the last year in a cage

and drive them down there. You'll be a part of that. And then I'm going to go talk to you. I read this book called Cat Wars and it talks about the American public killing all feral cats because they're killing our birds and our rodents. But then, you know, I read where Disneyland releases cats at night. They have stray cats and shit. They feed them so they don't kill the fucking rats and the rodents.

They feed them. So the scent throws the rats off because cats are very territorial. And they do the same thing down in the flower district that here in LA. The lady does the same thing. She got a lot of rodents from mice and rats and she got cats. So I'm working a lot off that book to prove some of the stuff that like I said, you know, if my fucking cat kills your bird, my cat's the underdog, you know.

And I don't mean that as a joke. You got wings, bitch. You could fly. My cat can't fucking fly, you know. You got that beak. You got the claw. Yeah. You got a bunch of shit.

You know what I'm saying? So my cat catches you and jumps off a tree. What do you want me to tell you? He's not even your fucking bird. And these people give a fuck about some dirty pigeon and shit like that. Yeah. And this is the society we live in. It's an ecosystem, Joey.

Yeah. It's an ecosystem that they went to New Zealand and that the fucking cats destroyed this fucking island. So in Hawaii, they put fences over the fucking thing. I mean, you know, and I understand. I get it, guys, but not to be that gentile than fucking we got to call all Americans to kill their feral cats for the love of fucking Christ, you know. So I'm going to shoot this the week of the 23rd, the 24th. I'm going to shoot like four days.

Just little footage. We got to go to the flower district. The vet will interview the vet tech. I'm going to have this dude on the fucking podcast. And it's going to be a lot of fun, man. I hope it gets picked up so I could be the new guy and travel around the country and talk to you fucking savages about your cats. How's that one for you, motherfucker?

Maybe do a segment on cat videos or something every week. Who the fuck knows, you know? No, but that's what I'm thinking about doing right now. I don't think I could. They keep talking to me about these TV. I don't fucking want to work on a TV show. No, I'm having a good time doing the podcast, doing stand up on the road. That doing stand up on the road.

I'm freely. I can't. I'm too old to be in a fucking trailer all week and I am too old. That was great. When I got here and I was 30, I kind of liked it. I don't like it no more. And I'm scared because I might lose my insurance. I got an act every year.

If not, they take away my insurance. But I just don't know what the fuck to do. I'm not in the mood. It's got to be something I want to do or somebody I want to work with. Like Mark Maron's show. I had a great time, you know? I just don't want to do it no more. Yeah, but you like cats.

That's really cool that you get to focus. How has the process been? Because you always say that you like to try new things. And this is something that I've never seen you do at all. Well, they approached me and they asked me about what ideas I had and what they were looking to do and... Is that nicer than having to approach them and pitch them to have them be like, hey, how do you feel about this?

Yeah, it was great. It was great to have them. Now I at least you're 50% of the fucking door. Yeah. They want to see what you got. So I had to really sit fucking tight for like two weeks because I don't know about this world. It's like I could call somebody and I just thought about what was going on

and then I learned a lot from the two guys in development at the company. They contacted me and we went to lunch and we just kept talking and talking and emailing. So I learned a lot from what they wanted to do. And then I just took it back to simplicity. This is just, I have to tell Animal Planet my story and why I want to do this and what I'm going to bring to the fucking table. So I started my own little thing. I got to interview my wife.

I'm going to go down to Hollywood to show them where I got the cats from. I'm going to show them just like two of the cats. I'm going to show them me driving the cats with my wife down to the vet, me and then me talking to the lady at the flowers thing about the book and what she feels and what she does to control it. And then I'm going to set GoPros around my house. So at night you could see when I get home, stone to the gills, how my cats jump on me and we play and shit like that.

And that's how the show ends with a little family type thing, you know what I'm saying? What kind of thing, Joey? Like, you know, the Waltons, remember the Waltons at night? They'd say, good night, Jimmy boy. I believe in that. I like that the fucking dudes, the duck family at the end, they always prayed. With me, I want to show you the end of the night. Me sitting there with my pajamas on, drinking a fucking glass of water.

And I got super bad, Demi and Harry on my lap and I got gray on my fucking neck. I want to show you people that soon. Well, you always see in TV shows, you always see the dog at the end of the band, but you don't really ever see cats always like that. No, they don't come in my bed. I have no animals in my bedroom. Well, no, I'm not saying you. Yeah, they don't come in my bedroom.

I don't want no fucking cats in my room. They're painy ass. No, but you interact with them? Yeah, absolutely. Why have fucking animals if you're not going to fucking interact with them? Yeah. I live and die for those fucking cats. Anybody who knows anything about me, I live and die for those cats.

You know, when I'm home, let's say I'm home for four hours every day. I gotta tell you something, people, for 30 minutes, I'm picking one guy up and giving them love. I'm rushing the other girl. I'm playing with the other one. You have to do it. You have to mingle with them every day and have. I do something.

You know, I touch them all before I leave. Every day. Every day. Before I leave, I touch all their heads. That's how superstitious I am. Something. Demi's close by. I'll kiss him.

If I could kiss Gray, I'll kiss it. But who's ever sitting there on the way to get their head touched. Do you have a specific order? Lulu's always the last one because she's by the door. Really? She hides by the door? No, no. She just sits on that chair.

In fact, when I walk in, Lulu's eyes look at me like, touch me so I'll touch it. I'll grab her head and sometimes I sit next to her, put my bag on the floor and just rub her. And then I'll talk to my wife from the living room and she'll stab me. She's got sharp nails and she'll just fucking stab me. So I gotta pay attention to her. Lulu's a real sweetheart. Lulu's one of my all time favorite cats. A lot of love there for a female little girl.

She's a good lady and she's tougher than fuck. She just doesn't, she doesn't, her and her sister are tough. They just don't floss, you know what I'm saying? No. They don't fucking floss. So I hope it's going to be an adventure. It should be fun and that's what I got for you. That's awesome.

Listen, this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I'm in Hilarides, Pickwick and frolic downtown. Do me a favor. Come by and say hello Friday night late. My man, Stio, is coming. Stio Pitch, my cookie, whatever his fucking name is, the UFC champion. He's coming. Then next week I'll be at the Tempe mother fucking improv.

And that's always, I've been going as in 1997. They don't fuck around there. So that's what I got going on, man. I'm happy you people listen to that. I'm sorry about the guest canceled. We tried to give you the best we can. We had some nice fucking conversations tonight. I really wanted to talk to you about that 28 thing because I know there's a lot of,

I know that there's a lot of people who listen to this podcast, man. They're thinking of starting a business. I get a lot of emails during the week. People asking me questions and that's it, man. Listen, start your business. Start your business. Start your business. I'm not telling you to quit on a percent.

There's a time to quit. And then go to Shark Tank with Lee and get mind fucked. You don't know Shark Tank. They fucking robbed you for everything you have. I'm coming for you Mark Cuban. Anyway, I want to talk to you people about something. I was never really a big fan of Saturday Night Live, but somebody told me they went on CISO and they saw the pilot with George Carlin and they watched it and they enjoyed it.

So that night I went home, I clicked on the CISO and I watched Saturday Night Live. And I got to be honest with you. I've been watching some of the Eddie Murphy ones laughing my fucking ass off. All right. What's the best thing you bought for fucking 399 Lee? You know, CISO has an endless supply of top shelf comedy, literally months worth of exclusive originals, face melting standup and next day, late night and a great catalog of classics. We all have our own little unique taste.

You know what I'm saying? Like I said, I like Saturday Night Live, the early ones. You might like to show with that kid with the suit that Paula Tompkins show, which is the LA real estate of some kind of funny with CISO. It's your comedy. Get your comedy the way you want it. CISO is the place for comedy. They won't tell you how amazing they are, but we will.

CISO is amazing. They put my special on and I owe them to the end of time. It's comedy for comedy nerds by comedy nerds. Again, that standup special from Nick Doon is on there. My girl is on there. Janine Garofalo is on there. Listen, those specials are hilarious. If you want the best new original comedy, you want CISO.

CISO is spelled S-E-E-S-O is the new ad free streaming service, bringing you hilarious original series, handpicked classics, weeks of standup specials and more. Bingeable comedy anytime, anywhere, every episode of SNL ever, including new episodes a day after the air, The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon and Late Night with Seth Meyers the day after they're there. So if you miss my girl, what's the blonde that came on here

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That's CISO.com promo code Joey. One of my favorites of all time, Lee. Lee loves doing this shit. I don't know, he's got to get back on it. He's got a little mortovan over here, Lee. You got to get your shit together there, fucking. You get the girl moving in with you. You're eating bonbons and shit at night

and making fucking crepes. You were looking all slim agoo when you were on Blue Apron. They had you on fucking point. You understand me? Not all ingredients are created equal. Fresh, high quality ingredients make a real difference. So it's important to know where the hell your food comes from. All right, Lee's had a tremendous time making Blue Apron.

He's never gotten a bad dinner. He's always told me the next day, this is fucking pretty good. And I know Lee, Lee eats a lot of fucking whatever, but he tells me how it is. Plus him and his girlfriend were making the meals together. It's something fun to do. For less than $10 per person per meal,

Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with proportioning ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. Truce from a variety of new recipes each week or let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise you, all right? Recipes are not repeated within a year, so you'll never get bored. You customize your recipes each week,

based on your preference. And there's no weekly commitment, so you only get the deliveries when you want them. And delivery options, you could choose them to see what fits your needs. Each meal comes with a step-by-step, step-by-step. Easy to follow recipe card. Proportioning ingredients, ready for you.

All you gotta do is put them in there and they're prepared in 40 minutes or less. 40 minutes or less. Blue Apron's freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook or guess what? They'll make it right. They took care of Lee that one time.

Check out this week's menu, all right? Let's say you want to do the two-person plan. You got to see a chicken with the mashed potatoes, knives, or the pabil-style pork with citrus rice. Let's say you want to do the family plan. You got the crispy cod sandwiches with apple motherfucking coleslaw. And you got the honey mustard chicken

with the wild vegetables. Can you beat that at the house? Do you know what the hell they even... Do you even know how to cook crispy cod sandwiches? No, you don't. That's why. This is what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give you three meals for free. Free! And free shipping once you go to blueapron.com slash joey. Again, free. You'll love how good it feels and you'll love how it tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So do me a favor.

Don't wait. Don't play games. Go to blueapron.com slash joey. Start the year off healthy. Free portion meals. You know exactly what you're putting in your body. Take a chance. Columbus did. Go to blueapron.com slash joey.

I want to thank you guys for listening. You know, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Like I said, Cleveland, I'll see you motherfuckers Thursday night ready to throw heat. Stars of death, firecrackers, Chinese people, whatever the hell you're doing. I'll see you Friday and Saturday night. Lisa, who loves you more than me?

You little fucking Jewish ball of fucking fire you. Nobody. I love you. All right. Don't forget about us. We'll be back Monday night with my beautiful Kate fucking whatever her name is. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. Have a great weekend. It was the third of September.

That day I'll always remember your sign. Well, I never got a chance to see. Never heard nothing but bad things about him. Mama, I'm dependent on you. Tell me the truth. Mama just hung her head and said, son. Papa was a roll of snow. Wherever he led his hat was his home.

And when he died, only left us was alone. Papa was a rolling stone. Wherever he led his hat was his home. And when he died, only left us was alone. Mama Hey mama, is it true what you say, that you love me? Hey mama, is it true what you say, that papa never watched your day in his life?

And mama, they're talkin' around town city, Papa had three outside children and another wife, and that ain't right. Hey, some talkin' about papa doin' some stoffin' preachin', talkin' about saving souls and all the time meetin' you, dealin' in that and stealin' in the name of the Lord. Mama, just hold your head and say, Papa was a road of stone,

wherever he laid his hat was his home, and when he got home, he never got home. Papa was a road of stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home, and when he got home, he never got home. Mama, just hold your head and say,

Papa was a road of stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home, and when he got home, he never got home. Mama, just hold your head and say, Papa was a road of stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home, and when he got home,

he never got home. Mama, just hold your head and say, Papa was a road of stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home, and when he got home, he never got home. Mama, just hold your head and say, Papa was a road of stone,

wherever he laid his hat was his home, and when he got home, he never got home. Mama, just hold your head and say, Papa was a road of stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home, and when he got home, he never got home.

Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Hey Mama, I heard Papa call himself a jack-of-all-trades Tell me is that what's it Papa to an early grave? Folks say Papa would be borrowed steel to pay his bills

Hey Mama, folks say Papa never works much on bacon Spent most of his time chasing women and drinking Mama, I'll be dipping on you, don't tell me the truth Mama looked up with a tune and I said son Papa was a golden stone Well, well, well, well Wherever he lay his head was his home And when he died

All he left was a long, long, long, long Papa was a golden stone Wherever he lay his head was his home And when he died All he left was a long, long, long, long Papa was a golden stone Wherever he lay his head was his home And when he died

All he left was a long, long, long, long, long Papa was a golden stone Wherever he lay his head was his home And when he died All he left was a long, long, long, long Papa was a golden stone Wherever he lay his head was his home And when he died

All he left was a long, long, long, long All he left was a long, long, long