Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #447 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: January 17, 2017

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of  the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Indochino - Go to Indochino.com and use code "church" at checkout to get any premium suit for only $389 (thats 50% off the regular price for a made-to-measure premium suit) and shipping is free. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water. Recorded live on 01/16/17  

The church of what's happening now is presented by on it This show is brought to you by Indochino Go to Indochino comm or visit a showroom and you're gonna get premium suits for a fraction of the cost right now Our listeners gonna get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 at Indochino comm and a promo code church a check out and don't forget shipping is free Indochino comm promo code church and the show is brought to you by Hello to she comm but days are back guys the church what's happening now is proud to introduce you to hello to she comm Hello to she comm makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water go to hello to she comm slash church right now

To get 10% off of your order. That's hello to she comm slash church Kick that mule Lee Smart loot the motherfucking king day, baby We're gonna show it up with some soul music, but this is the fucking soul. We're talking about here The church of what's happening now bitches Monday The 15th of the month it's halfway there and you're still digging around kick that mule Lee I

Want them to feel the fucking passion of the black fucking crows. I want to thank my main man John Petrovich Here you go, baby, baby, why can't you sit still? I Lee sciat Kate Quigley and your uncle Joey D is not suckers. Here we go. We kick it Are you fucking kidding me break out that syringe, bitch What's happening you bad motherfuckers Kate Quigley in house Lee sciat the flying Jew heavy-duty night here on the church of what's happened now

shroomages Refrigerages Chocolates tequila. We're going deep into the murky waters of your Christian hang up now Well, Joe when you were like going and like partying. What was your drink cuz mine was always tequila. That was mine. I used to switch Fucking southern comfort nourish you so fucking There was a for a while. I went on that whiskey 20s. What's that other? There's like a On a paratheaf. It's like a cold 36. It's got a number to it I used to drink everything Lee when you're a coke fiend you drink whatever is in the fucking house paint syrup

Off syrup Paint that out whatever fuck you got. I'll mix it with water. I've never done coke and drink paint thinner Whatever the fuck you got fucking this one on his level that that fucking red drink the red shit Whatever you drink, whatever you got I'll drink with rum. You just drank you just became creative when you're fucking It's five in the morning. You just become creative. You got tequila and milk go You got you got fucking chocolate syrup put it in there too. I Think that is how the mudslide was invented. So let me ask you something So what you're telling me is that all the Asian girls get the hot guys?

Yeah, I just said every every guy I think has an Asian girl fantasy at some point every girl I know he's Asian has a super hot boyfriend Really? Yeah. Yeah, in fact I'm I mean my ex-boyfriend was Asian and super hot He was like six three and he wasn't super into Asian girls And I think I kind of developed a fetish for Asian men because I don't have to compete with Asian women They're the only guys that seem to not be as super into them. That's crazy. I am so fucked up though I'm literally saying this. I'm like, oh, I'm really fucked up. This makes no sense

abort abort when I was like fucking 28 and I got into comedy I Was thinking to myself who would be nice to date like an Asian girl like yeah, they started getting really hot like you know When I came from Cuba, it was still like fucking to themselves. They wouldn't say none. They bow Nobody would say nothing then but my first girlfriend on paper was really Chinese When I was like six I had this little Chinese girl in the first grade I would go to a house and play with her and I and I go to a house and eat and they'd give me like Candy with the paper on it and shit I'm not kidding you lived on 88th Street and her father was a designer for Schultz

so we would always go see the early screenings of like Charlie Brown and all those motherfuckers. So we were like friends Altered when I was six and seven Like her and I will hold hands and shit like that But then I forgot about the whole thing and I'm done with my life and then they started getting cute I don't know what happened, you know, you started saying Asians and they were mingling in white clubs and shit Not that I had you know was going to clubs Then I started dating this crazy girl and she had a Korean girlfriend

And we all became friends and she had a boyfriend and we all became friends The chick was fucking banging and one day my girlfriend came to me and said I'm moving to New York to go work in publicity And guess what the Asians boyfriend? He had a move to Washington State to pursue his master's degree So it was like fucking bringing a mouse to the cat I just think they're I even I think they're just so cute. They're so girls. Yeah, they're beautiful tea They have little ways and hit their faces. They look young forever. Yeah, Korean girls Chinese Japanese They're fucking I love their body. They're not like tiny there. Yeah, I used to want to be one even like my daughter's godmother's really a knockout She really is she's Filipino. She really is a knockout. Oh, yeah, they're beautiful. Yeah, she's really is a knockout

I didn't know you dated Asian men. I've dated two Asian guys. Good. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in the Asian guys I like them. Good. No, you're a fucking savage I'll date any kind of guy if he's cool and cute. He could be Asian or what he can be whatever I'm into Middle Eastern guys, too. I just found out really. Yeah, no shit One minute you suck a Middle Eastern dick the next minute. You got a bomb on you fucking yelling Oh Fuck knows what they're gonna do to you next year. I got your clothes. You can't sniff You know

But that's good that you're out there you doing comedy you were in fucking Sacramento last week Which is a great club and I tell you it's a fun block They love you all the I was out with all the waitresses after the show my big girl the big Blonde oh wait Corey the bartender. No, she's a big big blonde She won on the pressure pills or something. Oh, it makes it with cocktails. It was all over Really nice, so I love the girls up there. They've been up there for years. Yeah. Yeah, they all love you great club It's the best. It was so much fun and down the corner. I got a red lobster They got the fucking thing across the street. They got the sushi place

I know I know cuz I talked to you and you said they got a great sushi place around the corner I started asking around about it. Did you go? I didn't get there. No, where'd you eat the four fucking days with it? I ate at the club Get the breakfast I got room service one day. Yeah, there's free breakfast I got room service one day to watch football with friends and it was $60 and it took two hours Cuz they ordered the room Yeah, there's no room service day That's that hotel is simple. You keep it simple. They got they got one elliptical

Yeah, they got one kettlebell and they got one fucking thing. It's in a hut. They keep it simple there There's no try it's really in a hut Jim is a hot. I know it's there at that hotel for 15 fucking years, and I love it. I love that hotel I love the whole block. Why don't you switch hotels because Listen, the rooms are amazing. They're like those clubs. You don't switch hotels Across the street was an Asian barbecue place that Ari would live in there Ari would call me from that place. He's really I didn't they closed no they closed out Oh, and then you have the gap. They have that clothing store across the street off the rack like

Nordstrom, yeah, yeah, you got three days of entertainment. Yeah, all you can eat frozen yogurt. Yeah, that's right Starbucks, right? There's in and out one block and chilies. You don't need a car. No, you don't need a fuck. There's a chilies There's a place called Twin Peaks, which is like a local Hooters. You want to track me to your comedy club I don't need a fucking car like Cleveland Cleveland is 50 fucking yards I'm so with you a hotel to the club across the street is that that fucking Mabel's barbecue. Oh Jesus fucking Christ Jesus fucking Christ Then they took me to the famous fucking pastrami place in two days

I went to the best places in Cleveland. I mean it was off the fucking chain Well, you don't you don't really need that many places because whenever I go anywhere with you I did true testament if Joey Diaz like something as if he goes eight times in two and a half I want the slimmons. I did that too. I went to Slamans. Yeah corned beef Oh, they're famous for corned beef the first time I went there like in 98 I went in the afternoon. There was a line around the fucking block, but the dude I knew knew people so we cut the fucking line this time. There was really nobody there just some army guys And we went in there and got two eggs with that was a day of my sleep apnea fucking machine broke

Oh my god, you didn't get any sleep the fucking first night. It was horrid. Oh god. Let me tell you something The day was great. I panicked. I really thought I was gonna get caught in traffic I picked the 10 30 a.m. Flight, which is a horror show, but it all fucking worked out. Okay, it all worked out I got up at six and I left that Seven 15 and I thought I would get there by nine. I need to be that 9 30. Oh, wow the 10 30 flight It was a nine. It was a 10 35 flight So I need to be that 9 35 So the night before Lee and I got fucked up and he set the phone for me for uber

Not the regular car and not the x the black car, but the one in the middle a nicer car It's like premium or something. So this is only my luck. You understand me So I don't even know there's a third level of uber It's between uber and the black started also now lift has it also now. So I set it for seven 15. I'm ready to go protein shake Breakfast I see the baby baby comes out before I leave I give her a kiss my wife I get in the car. He's an Armenian dude lexus beautiful Fucking cuts off half a fucking burbank boulevard gets on the 405. I gotta tell you something. I was there in no time

Guy turned out to be great. I gave him a star of death I was eating edibles in it. He's like, that's your tip. Oh, yeah. No, I gave him a 20 But I also gave him a star of death. I thought he was gonna say like I gave him a five star rating No, no, no, you ready for it. I don't even know how to give somebody a five star ready So you ready for this? Yeah, he goes you want me to pick you up on sunday or yet Only an Armenian can figure this shit out. He said I'll pick you up but fucking I'll do the uber for you in the car. So you don't have to tremendous And on the way he picked me up sunday and he's telling me all about how he ate the star and he got fucked up

He had a drinking gallon of milk. Oh my god, and he's on he's on new driver But let me tell you the whole thing. I get into the airport. I walk right through I mean, it's empty boom first class ticket upgrade boom walk to the gate. I'm gate 85 I walk all the way to gate 89 I'm stoned to the gills I just ate a rocket chocolate. I ate like three or four stars I must like right now 630 in the morning

I'm in my backyard doing bomb hits a fucking that carry fisher weed the original og. What is it? And that's late for him. We've been on planes at 4 a.m. He's high as the nao g. Oh my god. I was gone And I was I usually eat at the airport. I was too high to even I'm just gonna sit right here and mind my business. You were too high to eat gate was empty guys And all of a sudden I hear help help Help you motherfuckers and I'm like, what the fuck

I lost in the door swings open on gate 89. I tell you about this like you told me but I didn't know I didn't know he came from the like the tarmac. He came from the tarmac. Oh, no. I do what crawling on his arms He's like you motherfuckers left me united You motherfuckers. I hate you. You fucking left me down there and all of a sudden there's three employees two black two black dudes And uh, uh, uh black dudes A black chick crazy and a white dude run to him and they pick him up. He's like get the fuck off me You son of a bitches. I'm gonna sue you and he's young. This is on the plane This is no or no outside. It's still in the airport. It's still in the airport

Only a couple people seeing this because they're the gate was empty 88 and 89 85 was with my gate which had a few people. I was early as fuck I was early as fuck I'm stoned as fuck and I found this vaping pen that fucked me up. I was smoking on the way in the uber So I get to the airport. I'm on fire It comes this dude the black dude runs down gets the guy's wheelchair Obviously the ramp agent left him down there and said I'll come right back for you And they closed the door and shit and left him there. He tipped the wheelchair over and crawled up the ramp

No, this and this is fucking crazy So they get him in his wheelchair He's like fuck you and they're like is there anything we can do for you because you made me miss my ride And he's yelling at him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's yelling at him. He's yelling at him Finally I go this fucking guy's gonna go to jail And he wasn't he was white He was a nice white dude. I went and I bought a water for fucking four bucks And I brought it to him and I grabbed his arm and in his ear I whispered I go you're gonna go to jail

Stop cursing. It's a federal fucking building. They're gonna throw you in jail. I don't give a fuck But he was he's white. So he's going I don't give a fuck and he's yelling towards them like white people do like Trying to yell towards them like I can't get away this way. It's all fine. Fuck done after what they did to me They left me. He was like one of the white people. They left me. He was such a sweet white dude That's what I'm trying to say to you and he and he goes I just came to san antonio visited my kids They ruined my fucking vacation I'm in a home here for people that are fucked up

And he's a vet and stuff and he goes now. I don't know how I'm gonna get home And he's yelling you scream at a yardstick in 220s. I just gave him the 220s And I pushed him a little bit and he said thank you ended up being from new jersey the dude From like some part of new jersey in the middle and we ended up talking a little bit And then I saw some dude on the cart and I go can you give him a ride please in the game a fucking ride I get the fucking cleveland I walk into cleveland airport. I'm excited I'm like i'm here. You know what i'm saying? I go to the hotel

The two producers were on the plane with me. I was talking to them the writers of the show I pitched they were on the plane going to meet with the brown So I said let's meet somewhere qualmy when I get to the hotel I walked into the airport when I saw a welcome to cleveland. I was like the fourth lot of they'll shoot I went in my pocket and took the last star and popped it right under the welcome to cleveland side. Oh my god I get to the hotel. I check in I go to my room For some reason every time I fly I feel dirty. So I always get off the plane watch my pussy I

Do what I gotta do. Yeah, you just feel dirty. I don't like getting off a plane You feel so gross no matter what it could be a 30 minute flight. You feel disgusting. Let me go home. Wash my pussy shit Yeah, clean my ass, right? I couldn't even shit this morning before the flight. I was nervous I wasn't gonna make the airport. So I just canceled it now. You gotta fly and drop little farts every 20 minutes And you could smell that Oh that's coming out of your muffler. You like where's tushy when I see doesn't decline You're in front of the toilet. You hear everyone shitting Okay, I went against the grain and I go I'm not gonna take a shower

I'm gonna unpack a little bit and I took my sleep app and machine down. I put it on the counter Oh, no, I plugged it in and when I went to plug the back and I went I saw sparks coming out of the wire go. Oh, no And I look at it again, and I try to plug it from a different angle and I go Again, I try to put the wires together and it's going Right that right on me. I'm like, oh no I called the fucking hotel maintenance dude. I go. Do you have an electrician on staff? It was just we do he comes up. He's half retarded, you know, he got hit in the head with a missile in some fucking country

He's like, really can't put tape on it. I go give me the fucking tape I tried to tape it. It wouldn't work. My body went into shock My whole physical mental being I always knew one day that that day would come when that machine was gonna break Oh, god, it's so scary. So can you not sleep without it? Here's the deal. It's dangerous, right? Dicted to the machine now. I fall asleep all the time. I fell asleep on the plane yesterday There's nights I fall asleep in the living room if I'm sitting And there's an angle I can fall asleep If I put pillows up in bed, I could fall asleep. You can fall asleep. The problem was I didn't have the machine

If you came over tonight and said joey try to sleep I see it's mental. It's just mental. Yeah, it became mental and from six to nine I ate I got I said, you know what I called the doctors, but it was six o'clock Cleveland time There was nothing you could do But now I found out there's a service that you joined And it's 24 seven You call them with an hour your machine is there. There's no machine for you. That's amazing So I go to the restaurant the barbecue restaurant that Mabel's place. It was fucking delicious

I got a brisket sandwich And I got the baked beans with the jalapenos and the brisket in it Jesus christ I'm getting hungry. Like I thought like when you told me that I thought you were trying to eat heavy to fall asleep No, I went back to the barbecue. The brisket sandwich wasn't that big. No back. No. It was a designer restaurant It wasn't like a place in Austin. It was delicious. That's a good idea though to eat heavy to fall asleep. I like yeah That's what I was thinking. That's a good plan. I went back to my hotel room and just panicked and panicked and panicked and panicked I called the doctors. Nobody returned the call by nine o'clock

It had become a reality, you know, and it's like when you have that last cigarette You could fall asleep. It's when that cigarette is gone. That's really tough And in my world, it's like being a coke fiend and somebody blew up Colombia Yeah, yeah, of course. You can't get a coke no more like at nine o'clock. That's what it was You can't get coke like you literally can't sleep with your machine and now it started messing with my head Really? Like so it wasn't like I I imagined I had radio at six You know guys, are you afraid of falling asleep because you stopped breathing, right? You stop breathing, but if I put enough pillows and shit and put the tv on and sit a certain position

I could fall asleep. I've lost a hundred pounds. It's a sleep apnea. I'm breathing a lot better So all these things come into effect. It's not the sleep apnea even though I had a really bad case of it It's not the sleep apnea. I had When I walked in there, you know, and a lot of it I blame on the jiu-jitsu the jiu-jitsu has really helped me Overcome the fear of being on my back that back When you have really severe sleep apnea You basically wake up on your ass every night. You feel like you're suffocating. Oh my god. You wake up like you're injured You wake up holding your chest

Breathing like if somebody choked you and you're about to fucking die And it gets and it goes like every fucking 15 minutes I remember taking at one point when it got really bad. I would take Four time all p.m. That could knock out a fucking gorilla Wow and the sleep apnea wouldn't allow the Tylenol to let me go to sleep Oh, you got to be so tense. It's like your anxiety kicks up I would just smoke cigarettes stay up and fall asleep smoking cigarettes There'd be burn marks all over the carpet. I never played the carpet. I had to replace the carpet falling all the carpet in that living room because

All the cigarettes I fell asleep watching tv my wife would get up. Yeah, never caught fire No, no, no the sleep apnea I had was horrible because I was compounding it with drug use I wasn't taking care of myself. My diet was bad. I mean everything was bad about it So That's why when I went to jiu-jitsu That was the closest thing that I'd experienced to sleep apnea and I said I can't let this beat me anymore So now I can breathe on my back. I don't panic That's awesome. That's awesome. That's so good. But still the other night

By three o'clock came I can't tell you what I felt like because I actually took a pillow And put a laundry bag around it put the shower real hot And I just wanted to shower because in the old days I could fall asleep in the shower when I first had sleep apnea Really? Yeah in the shower esteem would open everything up and the slant of the shower That I guess that makes sense. Yeah, so the shower no matter how it is some tubs of designer tubs And there's a big slant. It's yeah, it's like getting a massage as you're falling asleep And some tubs of Puerto Rico actually sounds kind of great. Yeah, I would fall asleep in a tub for three I might start doing that. It looks like my homemade water bag

The reason why I never moved out of hollywood wasn't because it was because it was rent controlled I had parking And it had a boiler the size of godzilla's dick You could go to somebody's house and have a three million dollar home and you take a shower and have to Tend this water go always Why have a three million dollar house if you have no water? If you have no hot water, I never understood that that always happens Same at hotels. You ever noticed a more expensive the hotel is the less time the hot water works

What the fuck is that I've sat in those hotels for three fucking hours waiting That's no, that's why hey, there's no hot water for you because at 7 a.m He takes a three hour hot shower I fucking go there should be enough people at the rich carlton for everyone to take a three hour fucking shower all day every day Listen, man, I will keep going to that south point casino to like the one till they have me They have the best hour. They have the best shower. They do I would drive off the strip I'll stay 15 minutes off the strip for that fucking shower Let me tell you something that walk in shower with the water hitting you from the top and the side walls

And the shower and you just I get super fucking high I'll eat five stars just to take a shower. How great is the shower? I just know I've just Normal the shower is nothing like smoking the dope Eating bread. Listen, here's the lineup You get up in the morning. You drink a little coffee Right after like 15 minutes to get the appetite going for the eggs and the bacon You take two hits off the magic pipe and you just sit tight. You smoke some you drink some more coffee You pop a nicotine gum you get wait. I'm sorry the magic pipe. Sure. That's that's weed. Yeah. Oh, okay. Just checking

Just trying to keep track of the doesn't have to be killer. This is my first drug experience You just want two little hits to open up your mind nice and early at 7 30 I don't want you to pass out 6 30 5 15 whenever your day starts. I would like to take my mind back to there I would hate The roughest times for me were being young When we were too stupid to understand why you didn't get up 15 minutes before you had to be there Up to the eighth grade. We're so we're so stupid Because we have to be at school 8 30 and we want to get up at 8 and just go to school

Of course, you know all fucked up, but you as you get older, you don't realize That hour and a half before just to sit Realize why the fuck you're doing this realize why god put you on this planet and also I need I need time to take a shit Take a shit and get dialed up and the whole thing That's the real reason I get up extra early have the coffee time to get up in the morning And smoke a little bit just a little bit two hits put the joint out Go do some shit

Just get your day started right out your day what you want to do what your aspirations are and then you make breakfast And then after breakfast you fucking take two bigger hits And then you lay your clothes out And then you jump in the shower and why you're in the shower you're plotting your fucking takeover. You see I'm saying That's it If you're legit you're banging out if there's nobody around you're banging out of the respect I've never done on the shower. Maybe I should start oh you come on your feet You don't know what life is like that you come on your feet. Wait, you've never banged one out in the shower

No, I always did in my hand my bed. It's disgusting. What? Yeah, I don't know it better better like a dust chair the shower though Does it kind of gets me in the mood to do it sometimes? I'm not a dude. I mean, maybe it's different Maybe the shower's not you're there. Well, you mind what you shaved your shampoo. Yeah, you feel good You've done everything you had to do you might go back one night and leave the house Tip top shape and no regrets. Oh, I don't I don't think I'm not masturbating in the morning. I'm jacking off. Oh, no one thinks that Yeah, no one knowing everyone knowing you get dressed you go in the fucking car you start your car your car warms up Yeah, take a breath you look around you've already covered all your bases

You got a nourishing breakfast. You got high you wash your pussy. You did everything that was needed already by 9 a.m I love it. I love starting the day with a with an orgasm. I do every day. Don't you what's that start the day with an orgasm No, this is like when I'm in a hotel. Oh, okay I am done wanting sex. That's it. No, I didn't say more. I forget you have another person now So it's not the same I get anxiety now And the last couple times I've been breathing too heavy And it's like, you know, if you want a heart attack fuck around before You have morning sex. It makes your anxiety worse all day. It's terrible. No, no, no, no

The last three or four times it's fucked my world up in the morning. Oh, I love it I love it monkey in the morning on that shit, but It has given me so much like I get so hot and bothered and my My pulse goes up and I can't breathe right Amazing reason I've ever heard for not wanting to have more I'm 50 fucking four my heart beats weird. Yeah, the reason he doesn't want to do it He thinks he's gonna have a heart attack. I know I have a heart attack You want to survive the day most people have heart attacks before lunch time

He's like, I want to fuck but I'd rather survive the last time that is the silliest rule you've had The last time I think the last time I had to get a Walk outside and get air with a towel on my wife's like, what? I had to hold my heart and breathe. I got pale. Yeah. So that's in the middle of the morning sex Yeah, something happened to me like my valve went crazy. I don't know what the fuck happens. I'm like, that's it You know, I don't know. I'm not a huge fan of morning sex. Anyway, because you're kind of like Because this is the thing the only time I want morning sex if it's like fake morning sex where I kind of Half woke up while he was still sleeping and I freshened myself up a little bit and then came back and pretended to be asleep

Then we have it. No, otherwise. I feel grungy and I don't like it All right, so I give you a stabbing at night. You wash your monkey before you go to bed You don't want your monkey to go to bed with that condom juice on and shit Now you go to bed. You wash your monkey overnight at marinades. It's like a turkey in thanksgiving. Thank you. You don't cook the turkey Fuck you let it boil. So when you wake up in the morning, your little monkey has a little wang to it. You understand me? Not okay, okay? Just like a little different type of way like it smells like gunpowder or something Just let you know it's there and the morning is tremendous because you just touch it and you could see it get nice and wet

The juices then you write that little And you rub that motherfucker in three fingers deep You give her a three finger louis and then you eat that then you eat that monkey in the morning And I got to tell you something eat monkey in the morning is What that's one of the best. I thought you were saying you didn't so you love the morning Oh, I love somebody's asshole in the morning for breakfast. That's my world. I thought that was going in a whole other direction I thought you're gonna be like after it's gross on the monkey. No, no, I like it with a little whip to it It's got to have some wang to it in the morning. I really don't like girls say this

No, no when you soap it up like it smells like irish spring. I don't like it. Well, never gonna smell it That's why you got to work it and get the old geese out of there Because if not, you would like to have overnight chromogeny come juice in there. No, no, no I want you to take a shower and I in fact, I'd rather you go to bed without giving you a stop And you're laying there snoring. I come up from behind you take your little panties or spread your legs Lick your asshole a little bit. I'll pop you up and when I'm licking your hand So I can actually watch your little clips swell up. You understand what that does till man Joey you're fucking dick

Hard while you're eating that monkey you bang one out yourself Just to shoot that first load out so you can last a little bit And then while it's dead louie and you're eating a monkey and it's nice and wet You put that soldier in her mouth fresh in the morning with bad breath and everything I don't give a fuck my soldier likes bad breath in the morning. You suck that monkey hard And now that soldier's hard your monkey's wet while you're sucking my monkey. I'm finger Like three finger Louie and I got a pinky in here as well because I got dexterity three finger Louie and then I switch back I flip you around and I bang you from behind and takes a minute

You come fast. I come fast and the party's over now. We take showers. You make oatmeal everybody goes to work This is kind of turning me on a little It has to turn you on Way before the white hair is I wouldn't normally do but I like to block your world you dirty bitch I go and that's you have to have secrets I wasn't good at sex at night, but in the morning somebody eats your pussy and eats your asshole from breakfast Your whole day is dead. Wow. I don't joey's not my type, but there's something about him. Hang on

I got to change my plans for tomorrow morning That's the whole pitouane The morning is real love To do it like that in the morning. You should do it every morning. That's that's the whole thing man The pussy leaks more when you look at the sheet there's a little circle under it Because you change my whole outlook on morning sex you're fingering it and it's getting that juice out of What the fuck do you guys think you're dealing with I've been around the world three fucking times Shit, I'm just I was never fucking, you know, when you're not a handsome dude

You got to work it from different fucking angles The great thomas warren had a joke that he wasn't a good piece of ass Joey's giving a sex workshop today The great thomas ward a comedian friend of ours from the store Used to have one of my all-time favorite jokes that he wasn't good in bed But a lot of shit would happen while he was fucking you know, he'd break windows And like fire I think joey you should start a teaching class at the learning annex on moves for guys

This is something that no because even when you describe it's like reading a it's like reading 50 shades of gray What dirty dirty dirty dude from all that remember we had this but like the way you describe sex guys need to learn About it. Wait. This could be a mission. I almost said quake. Yes Why is it because if any other guy said what he just said it'd be creepy. It'd be so creepy Why is it okay for him because he's a casanova? What's a casanova? I don't know. You've got that like you've got that like suave like Italian sexy like the voice Those years are doing blow

Is really like parts of it with disgusting sex But parts of it were really sexy like I got to learn a lot about what women were made of Like it's not just giving head and whatever. Yeah, there's so many women It's like when a woman's vagina opens up to you and it gets warm Like there's a woman's love like when you pull the hair from a ponytail and the head goes down straight the way you're wearing it now There's only different looks of a woman There really is when you're making love to it's fucking tremendous, man We're gonna be the first podcast gets kicked off of my dudes

Fuck that. We're just talking about the truth. We're talking about the truth team Listen, if you're talking about the truth, they can't kick you off. You pull the hair? No, no, I'm just saying if Everyone pulls hair. You don't pull hair. You gotta pull hair. No, that's your thing Lee, why don't you pull hair? You gotta grab their hair and rip it around your hand We don't want you to disrespect them in bed. Oh my god I mean listen for real women in bed all the respect flies out the window Women want you to be an animal for real

Finger pick them up. Oh suck that pipe. That's the best when they're looking and they go pipe Fucking suck that pipe and shut the fuck up. Do another line of coke By the way Sucking the the butt pipe You know last time I was on here, right? You spoke about the anal sex about the anal sex. Yeah Did I tell you I was in Las Vegas and the anal sex story, by the way, never had more phone calls from family Do you know how widespread your show is? People heard your show that I'm like, how is my great grandmother in Idaho? Listen, it was amazing. Yeah

But uh, I ran into these two guys in Vegas. They come up to me and they were like, hey Are you Kate? It was like three in the morning in a casino and I was like, yeah And they were like, oh my god We watched you on uh on joey ds podcast Can we buy you a drink and I wasn't trying to like hook up or anything? So I was like, oh, thanks. I'm cool But I'm good, but thanks a lot and they were like, no, no, no We're not trying to bang you. He goes the one guy goes I just wanted to thank you personally because you're the reason my girlfriend. Let me try anal

And I was like, wait, that's that's my leg That's what you took away these fucking animals will bring these podcasts and make their girlfriends listen to him go see I told you. Yeah, I told you it's fun to do it in the ass and you're like, oh my god guys They come to show us and tell me We did the pageant. We did the whole I'm okay with I felt like uh, I felt like okay with that like I felt like that was my big Contribution to his life is he got his girlfriend on board And you know, and they seem happy

You know, there's a scene and uh There's a scene and uh, the departed you ever see departed with jack Nicholson. Yeah, actually, I don't think there's a scene The departed where they're doing opera. There's an opera scene And jack Nicholson has a hot girlfriend But that night he brings his girlfriend in the black check And they're banging each other. They show a scene of them banging each other table He's got a bowl filled with coke remember that scene lee And he's like you girls want to do coke. Let's do some fucking coke

He just starts throwing the coke at him And just that looks so fucking sexy Just to throw the coke at you and just lick you with that fucking coke and Snort lines off your fucking stomach and off your legs And put some on your clip numb it and then go back to it and work Jack Nicholson throwing coke at the black chick and the white chicken dead naked in bed Yeah, and he's got a robot and he just walks and he goes your girl's on and you can see they did makeup on him They did his eyebrows to make them look eviler for the scene like coked up

And he goes you girls want to get to coke. Let's do some coke. I hear some cutting just starts whipping it with the coke And I was like I could see myself in fucking 87 doing something freaky like I mean Sure, who wouldn't oh my god How funny how something about me brings out the uh the the old sex stories in you Well, no, no because we're talking about all that disgust those shit disgust. Yeah, yeah, it's all disgust. Oh, that's the cocaine disgust. Oh talk What about shit you said that you had ran into a friend who should her pants in bed or what?

No, no, no, no, I didn't have a friend. She was an acquaintance And the rule goes she lived in she lived in and she lived in la and I knew her and one day I said what happened She don't work here no more and they said somebody fucked her in the ass. She shit the bed He was a comedian. He told everybody and she got so embarrassed She moved. I don't know the exact. I would move out of the country. I don't know if that's even the real reason I just had to be I would move to another state if I shit the bed. I would be so embarrassed I don't think I could ever face anyone because you know how the comedy community. It's so small Oh, yeah, you can't that's why I said that you can't do nothing with a fucking comic like get off

No, if you shit the bed that is getting around. Oh, that's getting around everybody's We're all gonna know You have to leave you can't stay after that not that story I shit my pants at venture a harbor club. Did I tell you that? No. Yeah on stage Uh, not well very close. I was headlining venture a harbor club The guy going up before me had like three minutes to go And uh, I've been taking this herbal supplement for my anxiety And so it's more just take Xanax like everybody else in fucking hollywood

Because I don't herbal anxiety. I don't want to I want to I don't want to get addicted to it Freaks me out. I I probably should do that But look, I get crazy like I'm a little I get a little like too giddy when I'm when I'm fine. I rather you get even Having anxiety. Yeah, I know. Well, I got this stuff though. So it's just it's like, um Citric acid but like in a powder form and it's supposed to calm you down So that Last couple days I was starting to feel really anxious And on my way to venture a harbor club. I called my friend and was like I got bad anxiety today

And she was like, have you been taking the calming powder? And I was like, I forgot the last couple days. That must be it. I'll take extra. Oh, no So I made a bottle of water like this big and I put like half of the does it change color the water? Yeah, it turns orange and you shake it up. You're only supposed to have a teaspoon I put in like half a water bottle worth. I drank it on the way to venture a harbor club And then when I got there, I was like, man, I feel great. I'm so calm And then I'm like, I'm so calm. I need to pick me up or so I got a cup of coffee Yeah, that sizzled that motherfucker the dude on stage has three minutes left

I take a sip of the coffee and my stomach starts to turn But I don't want to go to the bathroom because he only has three minutes I'm like, what if he comes off a minute early? So I tried to stand there and wait and then I started to get a really bad stomach ache like not be able to go on stage stomach ache And then I didn't know what to do. So I was like, well, maybe it's it's gas I'll try and like pass gas and then I tried to fart And a little little turn So then I ran to the bathroom that gets worse, Joe. This is so embarrassing. What's the audience saying?

There's still the guy on stage is like a minute. No one knows this is happening yet. I haven't gone on stage yet I'm waiting in the back. He's still got like a minute to go So I run to the bathroom I I get in there and it's like it's like, you know, when you let a little bit out a lot wants to come out It's like the floodgates are open. So I pull my pants down. I sit down I'm shitting my pants and then I realized that I had worn this shirt that's like trendy It's like short in the front long in the back So when I sat down to the bottom of the shirt

Dipped in the toilet is a white shirt. Now it's covered in shit So that I have like under a minute. So I'm splashing the shirt in the sink. I'm trying to clean it up I'm trying to clean up my pants because there's a little poop in my pants I'm trying to clean up and then I hear the guy on stage. She's like, you ready for your ad liner You've seen her on whatever. I wasn't even in the room. So I pull my pants up They're still wet. Tuck the back of my shitty shirt into my jeans and run out on stage and had to do 40 minutes With shitty pants and I was wondering the whole time. I'm like, can I wonder if they can smell it? I surely could smell it

I didn't know what to do and then afterwards I had to stay and judge a costume contest. It was Halloween How long have you had anxiety for? um Really not bad until the last few years. I think it's this business. Did you ever take medication for it? No I started getting it Just before I quit blow and then once I switched to reefer I was good Like once I started smoking reefer reefer reefer and I didn't do any drugs The anxiety went away and it started coming back about two years ago at the comedy store

I get anxiety when I go to the comp right before I go on stage My world spins around. I wonder why but then I started getting in other places. I got after Wilbur theater I got in Connecticut a little bit. Yeah When I shot the special the first show I got it The second show I didn't get it. So it's kind of weird how you really it comes and goes like I try not to do edibles now So that's why I'm asking because I suffer from the same thing Usually before I get on stage if it's my stomach

You cut one of those farts one of those fucking before you shit your pants farts egg farts Oh, it's hard. You're standing in the back of the store and people saying oh my god. What's that smelling? You like I know Yeah, and then looking around. I'm that's from anxiety. That's that last anxiety. That's your anxiety. Sometimes I blow a fart Just to get me out of the out of the mess. It's a good thing. You're not taking the the powder that I'm taking or you're shitting your pants Every time when I got together with my acupuncturist 10 years ago Right the first year she goes you have to clean out your intestines, you know I want you to do this. She would treat me for different things every other tuesday So some tuesdays it would be my adrenals

Yeah, with my lungs another tuesday. She would clean my liver and my intestines and stuff like that She gave me this powder one time, you know, like when you get ramen That package they give you flavor powder. Yeah, it was the same size package And she told me she goes I want you to empty the package out like you're doing coke and cut it in half and put Half snored it into a gallon of water Measure the gallon and she goes no more no less. Don't play with this stuff. These are chinese herbs I put half of it in there and nothing happened to the water So I go she's got to be wrong. I put the whole thing and oh

My god, what happened what you just said to me on stage on the way there On the way home two hours after stage. Yeah, it just broke down my intestines I mean, it was like a liquid on stage. I sneezed And it was like a little liquid and that was it. She probably gave me what I'm taking I got back in that car on the way home at a light. I sneezed again And it could hear like, you know, you you know when you put your cup on the mcdonalds And you go into the thing of 7 11 and it hits like shh like that's what it was coming out of my muffler like I still remember also on highland

I was on highland and fountain And I was almost home and I had a run in my wife's like, what's that smell? Oh my god You don't want to know the cops that I told you some fucking story My pants were brown. I had to go back downstairs that night open the car after I closed it which smelled Horrid and I had to spray like interior armor. I had to wash it Leave the windows open the car smelled terrible. I didn't shit in the car seat But just me sitting on this shit in my pants on top of the car seat

Made that car smell like that That was the only bad experience I've had on stage. This is making my experience seem not as bad Because I don't think my car didn't smell like shit. I didn't have to get it deep So did you clean it? You cleaned the muffler before you left? I cleaned it out before I left the car this best I could I always carry a summer zeeve wipes just in case anyway, that's tremendous I really do I keep them in my purse because I'm always like you just never know Like I always try to make sure if anyone's going to be in that area that I've showered right before

Like I'm a right before shower, but if I have to come from somewhere else, I keep the summer zeeve wipes That's when I used to date this girl one day I ran on a soap and I used a summer zeeve vaginal scrub And I used to buy it on the road because it made everything shiny down Everything clean it down in my helmet. Does it really shine? Oh my god smoking even the skin even the turtleneck skin Looks like I got hit by a car I met women not mad Wait, what is it? Is it like a vaginal? Yeah, it's a vaginal scrub. Oh my god. It's it's licking. Yeah, it's a it's approved by gynecologist

And it's vagina soap, but I'm telling you something like if it cleans if it cleans out a dirty vagina Because you imagine what it could do to your nuts. Is that like glitter in it or like why? What are you talking about? Nuts are dirtier No, no, no You got an inside it's like a cat's hole. Okay But everybody comes in there a little bit of cum stays in there Yes, it does that develops a fungi and mushrooms like lee ate tonight and that's what happens over time That's growing inside. It's trust me even gravity holds stuff forever

For a long time. You think there's back there's back semen from for like two or three weeks Listen, if I came in you in 82 your monk is still gonna have a solid taste to it Well that I believe one of those coax sperm shots. You're done for a fucking year Oh My god What are we even talking about who the fuck knows this is why it's a podcast If I do if I wanted to talk about something significant I'd be on tv if somebody wanted to hear this shit

They put me on fucking world news tonight and we could tell mori shea for how old It's uh Yeah, I don't know fucking no. I mean, I think the gravity holds some stuff And fucking Yeah, because it's true Oh, how did we get here? There's certain women that you date that after you date them your helmet smells a certain way No, yeah, I used to date this girl for like two years

Wait a second for how long and every time I bang or I'd smell my helmet. How do you smell your helmet? How can you even reach that? You scrub you a little bit Yes, you do No one does this And then in the mornings, I would wake up and smell my helmet and it would smell like a monkey even when I was in weather the night before No

Yeah Had you just not taken a shower since you you know me dog I just want to know what guy gets up in the morning and smells it I love this because I I think that all girls should do a little taste But I've never heard of a guy doing What woman having you taken home that before you're gonna dig into the monkey. She goes hold on. Let me go pee She doesn't have to pee. She's gotta go double check and make sure everything's clean down there. There's no skid marks There's no old fucking head down there. There's no fucking toilet paper. I mean, I guess

Finger herself and smell. I don't think women will scratch us a little bit I just won't hook up if I know that's happening like like if I'm out somewhere and I meet someone and I just had a shower Nothing has happened between the shower and then then I don't mind But if there's any chance of anything going on down there like when you go to ballet Yeah, post those pictures. Are you sweaty? That's when people want to eat yasso They don't want to eat yasso after you steep They want to listen if if I dated you If I dated you I'd make you come home after ballet and let me eat your monkey fresh from ballet

With that fucking little floor that little shut ballet shoe smell to it that little that little yoga pant wang to it I would make you directly come home. Don't go. No. Don't stop and settle in for cigarette. Don't do nothing Come home. Where are these men? And when you Those little panties that squeeze the little bit of hair to your little Joey Joey Joey Joey that's done. It's like Pearl Harbor. It's going down. You know what I'm saying? I feel so dirty. You're fucking you're japan. I'm Godzilla. You know what I'm talking about? Joey

I love how we said that's when that's when guys want to eat your asshole That's when the guy wants to eat your pussy. They don't want you pussy when you clean Listen every man wants you to the ballet. They want you to run an hour No, no man's actually asked me to go to ballet Kettlebells for an hour and come back and see me with that dirty monkey from the night before A little bright like if you got up in the morning and just went right to kettlebell class right from kettlebell class No, let me eat that little swamp of death. I think Definitely not something women are looking for. I just want to put that out

But that's what guys like. They want to get that fresh wang. I don't think that guys want swamp of death That's a lot. Oh, that's a lot of wang. Well, no, it's not a lot of wang It's not a lot of wang to say that no woman wants a swamp of anything No, they don't it's not a lot of wang and you mind you think there's a lot of wang too But there's really not a lot of wang to it. It's got a little sweat to it and that's it You pull the sweat beads Wait, we just changed sexes. I'm so fucking You dive in like a hawk of debt

Yes, that's the truth Thank god for Tony Bennett in times like this I'm so No, probably It's 10 milligrams come on at this point. Who cares eat the fucking Where to be true right now when you go pee when you go pee before you go pee you scratch What the plate and bring it back and bring it back to us Bring it back to us that

Miss Listen dawg it's monday night cocksuckers. What do you want from me? Let me give some shout out to our k-tally. Yeah, first of all honor. I love you to daddy Thank you for the steel bells. My shoulders are loose. Everything's beautiful I can't give you a deal on the steel bells, but I give you a deal on the protein powder and the alpha brain and the shroom type That's what I believe him brother. That's one of the two of those shroom texts before jiu-jitsu I know a kid weeks four of them drinks a cup of coffee And goes to jiu-jitsu and he flies through the fucking air like a ringling brother

and then you R.i.p And then that too ringling brothers. That's all over the elephant. They shouldn't have whipped the elephants They were beating those fucking gorillas and the elephants and the tigers and now they're out of business but fucking uh What was I talking about? Yeah on it. Yeah on it. I love you shroom tech sports shroom tech immune. I fucking love it, man Alpha brain when I fly the hemp force protein In the morning. Are you fucking kidding me or what 20 a life? No parole go to honor dot com right now and press in church

Bam and get 10 off your order delivered to your house. How about mr. 508 and gc Covley and casual de and j rama And bobby sharon happy birthday you bad motherfucker. Your wife made you some fucking steak with raspberry sauce Who's better than you richie mcmanus? nick smith The lalingus family in chicago north shore scott and pamela I don't know Pamela grayness. Let me sniff your finger. Where are you filthy out? Yeah, sit around me You're gonna stand there like fucking superwoman

with dirty fingers Did you wash your hands? Yes. Good good But that's what guys want. They don't want a clean monkey. That's in the movies They want it to have like an odor to it like not an odor like I like gunpowder I used to date a certain woman that her monkey smelled like gunpowder like with somebody little gunpowder Can you bring some gunpowder in so I can ask them like I don't know what gunpowder smells like. I guess not When you were a kid, did you ever play with those rocks you quack together and they smelled like gun smoke?

Yeah, but I've never had a vagina that smelled like that. Listen. Have you dated one of her monkey smells like gunpowder keeper? That blitz is on fire. They come around one more generation George washington fire that killing motherfuckers So what's going on in your life? Okay, besides what's going on with comedy in the team your playboy show Uh, uh, the playboy show has been great this season. Uh, it's called undercover if you guys haven't seen it. It's uh This season was really fun. We got into some dope shit. We got how many episodes you shoot we shot 12 uh 12 both seasons

It was dope. Andrew Lowe was in here. They canceled that radio show. I know I love that girl She's so cool. I like it too man. They it was the playboy morning show I guess they're doing away with like live studio shows It sounds like they're trying to make the the whole network more funny and a little more mainstream Uh, so I don't know. I don't know if that's why they're doing it It's weird and you have an agent and you go out on the road every week, which is good. I see you hustling I try I try I try I uh I don't know. You know, it's weird about this business. I mean you've been in it way longer than me

But it's like it's crazy how I'll be hustling and hustling and hustling and then a whole bunch of stuff happens And then all of a sudden you hit like a wall where it's just slow as fuck or nothing's happening And for me like we're talking about anxiety. It drives you crazy. Yeah, because even if it's just a week Even it's just one week. I look at my schedule that week from christmas to new years. I was suicidal. Yeah Suicidal we did a podcast on to the 26th And the rest of the week the baby didn't go to school and the phone didn't ring and I thought I was gonna fucking shoot myself

Yeah, I get anxiety also. I'm like you I get this out, but I get You know, it's it's weird because you've been here for 10 years And you have to this is why I was telling li and I were having this conversation that It's like when you tell a market Okay, we're telemarketers. We just tell a market company. Yeah, okay. That's pretty much this is this is basically it So right now you're a feature act and you're calling Hilaries and the tempi improv thank god

You're funny and people see without what I see in you. So I had a week that was close, you know, I didn't want to compromise you I know that you do tv work or something happened This is great back to tempi. So I asked you But you know, you're never a woman to complain, you know, uh, you're never a woman to say that I give me spots here Where there's only, you know, go to the store. They only can they don't give women spots then go somewhere else They go somewhere else. Have you if you're worried about not spots at the store. You're not worried you lost the mission You lost the mission. It's just a do fucking spot and you also you can find them and you can make your own shit now I see you in Ontario. I see you driving to fucking Mars on a daily every night. I see you

I mean, I just like at the end of the day. It's fun. There's nowhere. I'd rather be, you know how it is I mean, it's like the time they spend on stage. It's exhilarating and I mean, so I feel so lucky to get to do this for a job and that's why it works so hard Because I recognize like when I go home and I see people doing the same jobs they were doing when I left Ohio and I was like 19. I'm like, god, I'm so lucky Like even on the times that are slow or I'm not that much. I'm like This is still like an awesome job at the end of the day

And you're here you're here in the in the game that people dream of like that's it Dream of being here and you're here people talk to you. You have an agent I feel so lucky all the time. Like I tell Lee you tell the market comedy. So I tell Lee Lee we don't have a day off in this life Days off for people that are worried and regularly or animals of death There's no days off because that day off you're gonna have a day off later because you didn't make calls that day That's why you're dead those three days because those that day you didn't make any calls If you always have calls in the pipe always if you if you have six things in the pipe

You got to assume five and I'm gonna go go under come on man. We're not fucking geniuses here You just gotta be on the household right now. I'm sorry Lee and Here's here's something I've been struggling with. Okay. So you get busy, right? How it's hard What I what I've been struggling with is maintaining Going out there and getting more for the following. It's like this week. I'm kind of slow because lastly we got super busy And then you gotta have time well in time you're gonna learn how to mix both Yeah, that is hard. You're gonna learn how to do work in the morning and in the afternoons do that little hustle

Or you find enough success to where you can hire some help with that like I When I was shooting my tv show the first season and I was by no means making a lot of money But I was super busy and I couldn't get back to everybody to set stuff up for when it was over And so I hired somebody to help me and like I'm saying this this sounds almost like so hollywood and braggy to me Like I hired someone to help me because I was busy, but It helped I spent almost nothing on it Like I found this lady that was willing to do it for super cheap. It helped my anxiety. It helped me get organized

It helped me like plan ahead and now I'm I'm a huge fan of like spending money on someone to help you absolutely it's I I was always do it myself like even in school. I wanted to do projects by myself, but recently it's like You have to treat this as a one-person business and businesses sometimes get Assistants or or people to help out and like it feels weird. You don't want to be like, oh, hey, I'm gonna sit Yeah, it's it sounds douchey in la and people assume that if you have one that you're making a lot of money But for me it was like I would actually rather not go out as much not have as much cool clothes

Not have cool purses and stuff But spend the money on that just make my whole life better. There's this guy that I've been working with a music guy and he He's really opened my eyes to that because he goes like he just went to cuba His name is john fulver He he went and he he hired like these cuban musicians on the street and just recorded an album with him And then he goes and then he goes and he flies to albania to do like a record a deal because he like distributes music or something And he like flies it just to do a meeting and it's like You you're hoarding money almost when you start start out because you're so broke

But you have it's almost like spend money to make money. You have to have to just bring yourself out there. Yeah If you can find a way or Even like a lot of like uh interns, you know, they just want to learn about the business or i'm very selfish I don't My wife helps me to a degree lee helps me to a degree but there's a degree that I can't explain to lee what i'm doing. It would take me too long

You know, I call lee after I do the work and I try to I see what you're saying. Yeah, you can't explain it. We call this chick. We set this lady up. Yeah playing games with this lady It's amazing. Yeah, I don't have time to sit lead down at eight in the morning because it would take me If I got an assistant, I have to come over at seven and sit. I see what you're saying My day is just remember which I don't have the time. I wish I did But what if she was just you were paying her for like a certain number of hours? And then as shit just popped in your head you hit her up and we're like, oh write this down, right? Like i'm so disorganized. I almost just needed like it's almost like paying a mom

You need an assistant for other stuff. You can you can handle you on business. I think that people realize how like lee says lee said something last week that my wife has said And I can't let that get out Lee said to me the other day I tell my wife all the time. How crazy you are I'm crazy dog I'm crazy, but I know we're going in I'm not crazy in the back that crazy You know what i'm crazy when you're fucking around

That's what i'm thinking as shit Years ago when I was out at 10 o'clock doing blah, I would think of shit and never do anything with it now When I think of something like This time's all right. I had a friend growing up. His name was anthony Anthony was a great kid But anthony had the family business So when you were 16 and you were thinking about concerts and you would call anthony and look at him

anthony's mind would be somewhere else because he had to pick up a body at six So we started calling him gearhead Because the gears were always going And you know and if you smelled smoke that means he was really like he was really thinking Yeah, you know and there's people like when I'm when I get up and I could what if I go to benedate tonight? I get so high And and lee knows I think it has to be already. He knows that I would go home on a Tuesday night and stay in And at 3 30 I'll call lee and go lee

Look at what we're going to do tomorrow like like it's nine in the morning at 3 30 in the morning. Oh, yeah Yeah, this is what we're doing. Sure. This is the plan of attack and lee's like hold on one second. He's away That's a great. He'll get up at 3 30 morning. He's a sabbath. He for the win the first year of this podcast We were working on We were working on i remember still calling them one night at midnight and saying i'm sorry to call you this late Sorry to call and lee once lee said it's okay. Lee or champion any time you have an idea call me. We're family No way. This is what people do lee. I need you in my life Lee's the type of guy that'll call me a four and go. I thought that's something

I think you should do this here and it's a brilliant idea But it took to get up and for one the fucking morning. Yeah, if I have to bury that idea And save it to get to you on monday for the presentation. All right. I don't have time for that shit I When it's got to be done, guess what it's got to be done. This is what needs to be done Maybe you can get an alexa. So then you could needs to be done. You get like a amazon alexa I don't have a manager Because if I got to call you to do your fucking job, we're gonna have a problem and guess what i've been doing your job

Just five 20 years and even better than you would do it You know Oh Lee knows lee knows that I'll probably attend And I think anybody who's representing me by the time they get in at nine They got three emails from me instructing them on the move because sometimes it's not telling people what to do It's the move that people don't understand

I don't have time to tell you about the move till after you come to me and say How did you do this? Nobody could get to him. Well, he goes to a a And he's friends with a friend of mine that goes to a and my friend put the bug in his ear. You follow me No, I'm not following you. I don't have time to explain this shit to you or nobody else I'm gonna make the move. Are you following my mind? No, it happens all the time in a creepy criminal elementy type of way that when I say it to you Because it's like when I wanted to move you the longest yard. Yeah, it pissed me off that they wouldn't read me What did I do? I went I was in houston, texas

I hired this guy to tape me with a fucking football jersey on a helmet And I sent the tape to adam sand when he got it and they called me and they took me to lunch They ran the star for that movie. I didn't give a fuck that movie belonged to me Why because they were looking at tony serigusa or big pussy from the sopranos. They're not comedians Sorry, I spent on your tit. They're not comedians No, you did it went right in the cleavage. It was tremendous. No, it didn't even if I was a freak I couldn't spin you to you saw it goes you're threading your little titty there You couldn't pay for somebody to spit in your cleavage. That's how good I am. Anyway, I don't even think that happened

I did not accept that I did not accept that that is the best story I did not accept that because at that time I was following paul mooney at the comedy store every night And let me tell you something those guys might have been a celebrity funny guy But at that time I was following paul mooney every fucking night. I would drive to die I don't know too many people that drive to die I was driving to die and and I would get so pissed about doing that. Do you want to get better? I resented even not thinking that you wouldn't put me in your movie I'm a real comic at the comedy at buffalo at the halftime of the sabers game and got booed. That's a comedian. Okay

And I stuck it out. So when I made that tape and sent it Like I was fucking that I believe that watching me, you know, I'm saying like it was that much belief I couldn't teach somebody to do that by the time I told my agents When I got back was when I called my age and I go, you're not gonna believe what I did I think that happens all the time a lot. I mean because that well, that's the thing in this business by the time you tell Your agent wait. No, no, you can't sit around and wait for that That's I think the biggest mistake people make when they come out here

They get representation and then they just sit and they wait for them to call And now it's like with everything you can do with social media A podcast, let me tell you what I did to that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I just feel like it's laziness And then I meet people that are like, well, they don't get until 10th. We'll call them at night. Yeah I guarantee they're in the office. They're Jewish. They're in the office I'm not forgot. I used to my first manager. I was trying to get into I was a cuban Miami improv had just opened. I would call them every day at night. Did you get me into the Miami improv? I called them left a message. She wants you to send a tape

Did you get me into Miami improv? Yeah, because I'm one of those dudes that don't tell me about the tape shit Yeah, I hide you to do a fucking job I don't know about no convince them. Yeah, they're gonna take this is what you are. You need this. Yeah And finally one day I called sarah and she picked up the phone on the first ring I go, sarah night is joey deez. I'm trying on the club. She goes, hold on Let me get my dates for you and she gave me the dates and I called that idiot And I go, hey, man. How are you? I go, did you get a hold of sarah? He goes, no She never answers the phone. I go grab the book

I'm in Buffalo, January 8th or whatever and in Miami the following week And he shit his pants. I fired him three months. I was just gonna say, I hope you didn't keep him for long That's how I work. Yeah, I mean if they're not helping you Fuckin around when I need something I gotta dive in there and I dive in a little different a couple months ago I was on that tour and they canceled the first four dates where it was they weren't gonna pay nobody I heard a lot of people didn't get paid. Oh the uh, I went to my agent. I go listen, bro This is like me giving Kate money for a pound of weed from lea A bad idea guess who's guess who's responsible

On the street if this happened guess who's responsible. Okay You are Yeah, you better give me the 800 for that fucking bound. Yeah, guess what I did. I called the guy directly like a man I say I got a wife and a kid I go either pay me that money or we gotta figure something out. Sure. No, he put me on the tour and he gave me three nights No way we even did up And my agent kept saying I don't know if he's gonna go for it I called him and said I looked at the Irvine schedule looked a little on the fucking white side. Don't you think?

That's what you have to do and he put me on there. You gotta put some salt Just gotta do it yourself always just gotta do yourself. I don't have I don't have the confidence I have the confidence and leave for a lot of things Lee knows But in some rock and roll situations I got a rock and roll dog I got a rock and roll. This is gonna and this always has to get done Yeah, we got a rock and roll. We ain't got time for church or no that shit every this comes first And that's what most people don't understand

Me I don't give a fuck the worst thing you can say is no get her on the stick So if I gotta tell you to get you know Situation happened a month ago with the special would see so yeah And I shut my mouth I didn't say that and when I got the call from CISO the next day That the special had been the number one of you special in the history of CISO I called the manager and told her I knew they were going at this point. They were on the fence 70% they were going I fired them before Oh, wow, but they kept the imdb up and they kept getting calls from me and we kept the relationship

I see and I decided to listen you guys gotta show up or something. This cannot be imdb central I'm paying you 10 points. I don't need a reception. That's what I'm saying. I don't Anything you couldn't do yourself. I emailed her the CISO thing. I wanted her I wanted her to think of the next move And I gave it three days to think about it. She never did it and I knew right there They were 80% off the gate then they had one thing holding them to the thing was that was December 19th They were supposed to call me and they never called on December 20th. I said they're gone It was that easy in my mind on the third I picked up the phone and said I love you to death

Off and they didn't they were like ha ha ha and I called her on monday and said do me a favor Get me off the fucking imdb. So there's no misunderstanding. I mean, that's the thing I don't I don't have time. I got a wife and a kid. They have to be I got a wife and a kid dog Initiating I got a wife and a kid. Yeah, I needed an assistant to do what to go to the laundry for me Am I that am I that vain? I needed an assistant to do what to vacuum But I come over and do what and listen to me say what but what if you needed help with just that stuff even like What if you were like so what if you were single and you're or no

What if you were just so crazy busy and you I don't know you just the thoughts that come into my head I'm a pot smoker for 30 years The thoughts that come into my head for business are like people that are molested not not people that are molested People that are demented and hear voices and shit. That's how This life comes into my head on a daily basis So I'll be sitting here going. Oh, I gotta go to Nashville in two weeks And all of a sudden I'll make a move that and that two in the afternoon. They'll just come to me By the time I call Kate and tell her what the move is and why

I'm not I don't think you need somebody for that mundane of it. Yeah, that's time. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah There's jobs in hollywood that lee and I and somebody else wanted to show talking about this three weeks ago that One day your show is over And you go to your account. No as they call them an LA business manager another two and a half percent out of your paycheck For somebody to pay your bills. Yeah with a 50 50 percent that one that are going to disappear. Dane cooks, brother I don't think I make enough money for that Right, I don't know these people are business managers. I don't know what my wife's an accountant My wife does not work anymore. She takes care of the baby baby goes to school

My wife could do all that stuff and I trust my wife and then if she does take the money What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do as she raised a child? She she sat there and a kid came out of her pussy that trumps everything She wins. Yeah, she wins. I'm gonna argue with her. I'm 54 years old next morning That was her to 10 off the top. Yeah, I'm gonna sit there and argue and I'll get a little apartment I'm moving with lee And we'll fucking get the party. I would love to see you guys as roomies in the studio apartment like this A real fucking odd couple. Yeah, that'd be great

But uh Oh my god, you know to have to have franco Run your business affairs and pay your checks and like, you know, they always people call me all the time and the services sound great I just can't give you my access. I had a great. I don't great commercial agent I've known her since she was an assistant. She was like a fucking animal in this thing fake tits She was calling people at midnight with auditions. She was a fake tits She would call me at midnight with auditions this chick and one day she said fuck this chick I could this chick was a hairdresser

That needed money and started being an assistant an agency Yes, but she did she bought an agency and she's an agent today and I gotta tell you something. She's pretty fucking good Yeah, yeah, it sounds like she's doing a great job. That's a savage But she made one mistake. What how paperwork the contract paperwork for you to sign with it. They want you bank information What for what to pay you is that what they say right there? That's a deal ended Yeah, that's when I ripped that up and I said take me off the IMDB. I'm giving you my bank information I mean, what if what if nothing? What if nothing put a stamp on that motherfucker and send it fucking via mail people do it all the time

You don't need my bank information. You're giving no one access You don't need nothing. You don't need nothing Have an assistant who doesn't get all your bank information necessarily. No, no, no, that's I'm not saying an assistant in that level The reason why I could never have an assistant Is because I don't know what the next move is Right. Yeah, I get up in the morning When I get up in the morning, I outline eight things seven things six things You know, my notebook is to the t you come to my house right now

It's just write it all by hand or is it in your phone all by hand all by hand. Wow So if you go to my house right now, it says 115 to 122 to sunday and I have monday tuesday I have a big calendar. It goes seven minutes at a time. No seven fucking days. That's all So I have a I have a notebook. Okay. I have a schedule. I have like a calendar. That's a leather binder And when you call me and say thursday at two I write it in there, but I don't worry about that till the week of All my world is the week of yeah, so on my notebook It says 115 to whatever the fuck and then I put monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday The top thing is right two hours

The number two is jujitsu at 12 o'clock or drilling at 11 o'clock or wednesday I have a fucking stupid radio interview at 11 My day is on that piece of paper to the t Wow, I'll tell you when I'm gonna write. I'm gonna tell you who I'm gonna meet I'm gonna tell you everything. No, because that's what you need to do. Yeah I want to be responsible for all my time if you join weight watches You know why you lose weight because at the end of the week you watch what you're fucking eight And when you see when you see it right now, I don't need nothing all week. Yeah, I swear to god

You fucking eight cocksucker So it makes you claim a sponsor. Yeah, that's actually brilliant. So if you see the whole week written out When you're like, wow, that's really what you want your life to change This is how the life changes when you go responsible for the minute I'm responsible for the fucking minute. I want to be I want to tell you where I'm like I tell my wife I'm walking through that door at two o'clock on monday and wednesday. I go to jujitsu at 11 15 I warm up at 12. I do the class two one then I do the fucking mobility class to 145 I'm impressed that you work out two I get in my car at five two

10 to and I'm home at fucking 10 after two You know I'm either home 10 minutes five minutes to the tea and I do the same process. I sit down sweaty and hungry Sweaty and hungry. I sit down like I'll write the bjj journal doctor And I click the date and I write the move I learned and I write down that I got on the mat And then I check my emails bjj journals at jujitsu thing I thought it was a porn site. No no no no no. No, I'm sorry

Listen bro, I'm not a child. I'm a fucking sat which you go on their journal. Yeah, no no No, the bjj journal. Not kind. I learned what moves. I learned how bad I did I write down the number and then from there I check my emails when I make my calls Because if I took an hour of non-business business is first even if I'm hungry So after I do all that, then I go in the kitchen and I make a protein drink I drink that and then my lunch is ready and I'll run in the shower. I wash my pussy with the bacteria So so I get summer's off me. I get my head done everything and I come out and I eat lunch It's all a pattern and then after lunch I go right back in the office and I make my calls

That's my call time. So if I fucking took time out of my money, which is jujitsu Yeah, I don't make money by going to jujitsu Yeah, but I have to work the hour and a half before jujitsu, which I do I start working at 930 and even 11 and From two that's my schedule. Were you always that self-discipline? No So, how did you get that way cuz that's where that's so hard for cuz I do a million different business for ourselves Yeah, you are Kate Quigley corporation all these idiots. I'm the CEO of you're a CEO sucking my dick Kate Kigley is the CEO of Kate Quigley International. Yeah, Lee Syat is the CEO of Lee Syat International and Joey Diaz is the CEO Joey Diaz International

Whether I had a day job. I'm still Joey Diaz International and you still Kate Whatever you do whether you're Bobby Sharon, whether you're Richie McManus, whether you're Nick Smith You're Bobby Sharon International that means you're a bit once you look at yourself as a fucking business You're not fucking around. Yeah, you know, we walk around to a 28. Nothing's happened I went to law school because you're a fucking moron. You're a fucking mumbling fucking They didn't teach you and then listen and at 30. I didn't know this at 35. I didn't know this and I gotta be honest I don't think I knew this at 40. Huh? And one day and one of my cocaine things because I was anal when I did cocaine

I would do math Get coked up. I would do math and I would do what a party animal What if I sold 40 kilos at 12,000? I paid 8,000 What did you do the calculator? I did no calculator off my hands, you know me old school But one night I was just thinking about your time How we don't Take time to think about our time You know, when I was 25 and married, I didn't think about my time at home

Now I think about my time at home, you know, yeah When I come to you Kate in three years, you're gonna hit big Kate and what's gonna happen is this Your comedy's gonna hit your tv career is gonna hit But then some fucking stupid agent Is gonna come up to you and say Kate Usually they don't really show and you're like, well, I don't have a cbs show or a netflix show or HBO shows i'm doing great with and the other part of my day is spent on my stand-up Plus I have a boyfriend. I love I have a dog

I you know, this takes right you just don't wake up in the fucking morning you take quickly You go to ballet you got it. I see what you do. You do everything. You swim you play tennis I've seen you with the tennis racket showing your ass bent over With the bikini so much, but yeah, yeah, of course one thing about you is you're very athletic You just don't become you know, and when you become you're 32 now. Okay 34. Okay in six years You have to work a little longer. Trust me A half hour or more, you know what I'm saying? So now we're from an hour and a half to two hours at ten hours

But some stupid agents are gonna come to you and say I've seen a thousand times in this town And say hey, he just called and they have a brilliant idea and they're gonna pay you this amount You're gonna be an ass on go. I'm gonna do it now. I've become the law of diminishing returns. I totally agree now your time can't So you're gonna slip somewhere. You're really gonna bomb in cleveland Yeah, and then the words gonna get out that she's starting to bomb. She's not focused And they don't they don't give a fuck they're getting the commission Once you disappear, they'll get some other hot blonde to come in when she's 18 and you're gone

You control all this So whether you're a painter and electrician Because let's say you're a construction kid and you didn't go to college. I'm sure you have a dream. You want to be in a band Of course, that's what keeps that day job alive. Is that a fucking dream if you want that dream to happen You got to document it All that has to be documented And how you're gonna get to that dream. Yeah Well, I'm gonna start a band and I'm gonna write three songs

That's not gonna fucking work. It's a short plan. That's not gonna work That's a short term plan with the end with a rope with a noose on it at the end Oh my god, it's just a great path. It's it's you have to know you have to have a plan You have to take care of your time for everything to hit It's and I started getting it bolder, you know when Before I got locked up Before I got went to prison. I started swimming in the mornings at 6 30 and that changed everything

Because I was like fuck This is the first time ever that I have a day job And before my day job, I put an hour and a half in a fucking pool. Yeah, and now you start going wow This is important. You know, you start seeing the things that are important And you start scheduling. Do you think also that it's you I don't know about you, but it took me a long time to find what the thing was that was so important to me That I want that's the beauty of the journey. Yeah, and I'm not just gonna pop in your head You're gonna have five fucking mistakes 100 how many career mistakes? How many career changes do we have?

In our lives, I think I think it's one every seven years every seven years. Oh, wow, really? That's what we evolve as comedians every seven years See when you first come out of you you write jokes and you got on stage Then one day you write your agent says to you Kate you have to write your own script and you become a writer next thing You know Lee's calling you up and going can I say the comedy story on that can you be a A fucking flight attendant in my movie and next thing you know You're working and now you've become four or five different things

Then you become more popular and somebody comes to you and says they want you to write a book Yeah, I know fucking book or you could sit with a writer and give them information He could write this bullshit about you and you read it 10 years later and go. I'm embarrassed to take this 100,000 dollars I rather fucking write this thing myself 100 take fucking eight years and write what the fuck I wanted to be in there I wanted to see so to do all that you need time. Yeah You know, it's time so time management It's time management people who go into business for themselves The reason when they fail is time management. Lee will tell you Lee knows

So I'm not doing my time But the first thing when time management, we're here to sell business to take care of yourself Because I think that shoots chemicals off and it does 100 that's why I tell Lee drop her off in the morning at eight 30 or 70 whatever time she gets on the fucking train get in the fucking car and take her because that gets you out I don't care if you brush your teeth. It doesn't matter. You're not going nowhere Take it take it to the bus take it to the bus Because once you're out of the house Then it wakes you up and that's when your creativity starts coming up

And right from there you take two hits off that joint and you go to the park and no You bring two kettlebells out and you're out of your fucking apartment. You're outside breathing And that's when your creativity really starts to kick in you read once you get out of that fucking house That the what what happens to you the earlier you get out of the fucking house What happens to you is a fucking miracle and not once you do it once Like once you do it on a monday and then you do it on thursday one week Then you do it on monday and you do it on wednesday and thursday it changes. Yeah And once you do it four times in one week you're like, oh, I may be now

I'm not telling you to get up and do anything. Yeah, just get out of the house Just wake up and then in time you start doing things and that time those four hours You be amazed. That's why the world. What was the army slug and we do more By nine o'clock then you do then a whole fucking day. It's that's Actually amazed that's such good insight because anytime I get up and do anything even just you know what? I walk every day to seven eleven and get a cup of coffee in the morning And I know i'm wasting money and people are like you shouldn't buy because I just want to get outside If you start your day with that fresh air. Yeah, right?

It's such a gift and when you're outside you look at the sun And you look at people and you go. Yeah. Wow. Look at all these people in traffic Kill themselves to get to work. Look at how lucky the opportunity I have So I don't have to do this. Guess what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go upstairs and tear up that fucking phone today Well, I'm gonna tear up some fucking jokes today. I'm gonna go to a coffee shop and you know what? I'm gonna do an hour kettlebell work. I do push-ups and setups and really get wet I jumped some rope. I didn't know this All those years I was spinning my fucking wheels

So I stopped doing blow I was spinning but even before before I stopped doing blow those two years I was already it was like I was preparing to get off the blow. I was organizing my time I started not hanging out with people as comedians. Yeah, we think it's cool to wake up in the morning right for now and then Let's call our sixth comedian, but a little dodgy game Let's get together and talk about how bad life is out there. That's all you basically don't You're getting together with six comics to eat chinese food to hear a group grow So by the time you get home at 3 30, you want to shoot yourself Because if you're doing movies or you're doing well, they make you feel fucking bad about it

And if you're not you feel bad just being around them One day I came home and I said i'm cutting off the comedy fucking uh group group in the afternoon And that changed my fucking life completely. I just try to be around I caught up the comedy group group. Yeah the comedy group group six guys and a girl and it's like fucking friends And you got five losers and i'm one of them talking about i'm not getting spots here Uh, I didn't go here with rogan. I didn't do this for what it's all just a waste of time that you could be spending on Projecting where you are going. That's why you got to be responsible for every fucking minute, man And just write the time down

Even if you do it an hour later, you keep writing that time down when you want to do it eventually You'll do it at that time. You're so right if you keep writing it down I'm gonna fucking jump off a roof nine a.m. Jump off a roof You're gonna do it and every day you jump in nine twenty nine thirty five nine eighteen nine eleven And before you know it you keep writing nine o'clock. I'm jumping off the roof You will jump off the roof every fucking day at nine a.m. It's so the power of the pen Has changed my fucking life, man It's changed my life. I still have to write

I still have to write something to memorize it if I'm trying to learn a script if I or even new material Even if it's because I really write on stage a lot. So I'll try things But if it works, I always, you know, have my set recorded I I have to write it for it to really be sunk in I think there's something between your hand and your mind or Something to me even like text messages. I don't like text message. I know, you know, it's so funny I'll tell you why I don't like it because I'm so old school with that fucking pen Yeah, people know how strong the pen was they wouldn't text you're the only person I know

Who I always call first and don't text you're literally the only person because you One or two times I texted you first and you never answered and then you just call me. I was like, all right This dude doesn't text. It's so funny. How many people text me? I used to raise that Especially business related text. You're never gonna get a hold of me But it's so great because every time I call you even if it's just to ask you a quick question I feel like we have a moment Oh, yeah, no, no, no, this is I want to hear people's voices, man. Yeah, I'm old school. I'm gonna hear your fucking voice I want to make sure everything's straight. I don't want to text with nobody. I don't want to text fight either

Nothing makes me crazy or then a text fight and like I feel like a lot of guys because guys don't like To argue of course, but I feel like a lot of guys are a little passive They try to avoid the argument so they do the text the text fighting. I can't stand it I'm like, can we just get on the phone for one minute and have a like Face or person to person contact even over the phone It can clarify things that don't even need to be a problem. It's so funny how you don't want to be that person when things started changing I was like, okay, this is cool, but something ain't right and then one day a commercial came on for like

Some airline company when the guy comes in everybody's sitting there all like Waiting to hear what the boss says and he goes things are changing again Our sales are down, but at least I was giving out plane tickets to people And he goes we've gotten too comfortable With the fucking emails and this we're going back out in the field old school And I knew that there were still people left like me, you know, Tommy Easter was driving back from Georgia And I called the other go Tommy. What are you gonna do? He goes, well, I'm gonna drive through here in the drop. I go Tommy before you get in the car

Go online and make a list of all the comedy clothes in there, right? Why are you dead heading back? I go number one. You got no reason to come back in time There's no nothing going on in the open mic I go if I was you I just fucking stop at every club. All right, my name is Tommy Easter I like to do a showcase and I go why not it's an education That'd be so fun doing showcases You know the big Mitch Hedberg story was he got in a van with charred hogan And a Volkswagen van and they went across the country when he was feature acts

And they did 50 guest sets and 20 clubs hired them. You want to get hired? You want to get hired as a feature? Yeah, get in the car and drive across the country and do five minute guest sets and say I'll do anything To feature you for sure and no feature. You don't have to live in LA. You don't have to see nobody to see rogue You have to see local feature all the time. No. Yeah, I did it all the fucking time. Yeah I remember fucking still this is one of the It's and you don't get mad at it now like now. It's like stripe. These are comedy stripes. This is why people pay you These are the reasons why people pay you

Well, I would think it'd be rude wouldn't like if like let's say you give Someone a guest set right and then they go up to the manager like hey, I want a feature here at some point Doesn't that put you off? No. Oh, no, let's talk about this. Okay. So I was living in Boulder. I had maybe 20 minutes and my good friend called me he goes club in minneapolis Arizona and somewhere else Is looking for emcees. I said, okay. I got a car And I drove 16 hours and I got on stage on friday and the guy liked me and he put me back on states sat and they gave me three weeks

Three weeks later. They got to call the clubs about a business Oh Okay, first of all, you're not going to go into improv's notice Okay, right now type in comedy clubs in indiana I love you guys. Why? I just do. All right. We got crackers. Okay. We got mortis. Okay. We got comedy sports. Okay Uh, let's go let's go to trippin. Indianapolis, indiana. I said indiana indiana. Here's the top five according to trip advisor

mortis crackers comedy sports the comedy attic in bloomington And snickers comedy club in four ways. Okay, so Comedy sports is an improv troupe. So erase that shit. Okay. Sorry. So you got mortis You got crackers. You got the other two. Okay, none of them is an improv Okay, so mortis brings in top headliners and so does crackers But everyone somehow they got filler those guys got no fucking say

Yeah, if you you know the the regular local headliners, they got no say If you walk in there when one of those guys is on stage and ask and give them a good reference Say, I work at the comedy store. I work at the improv. They'll put you up for five fucking minutes. The last two. What are they? The comedy attic. I've heard of that one in bloomington. Both of those motherfuckers will put you up And then the snickers comedy club is apparently the number one nightlife in fort Wayne Right, they'll put you up too if you go in there because it's like a michigan headliner They have those clubs everywhere. They have them in michigan. They have them in whatever you have to know Which wants to go to them

See if you walk into one where the manager's running the thing and the book is not there They're gonna give you a number. So you avoid those That's a waste of time. My friend and I did this in singapore We were in singapore On a military tour and we were bored one night. We had a night off and we were like Let's just try to find the comedy clubs and see if they'll throw you up So apparently it's international because we went in and they were like so excited to have american comics And they just threw us both up really?

Yes, you could try it overseas. So don't say you could be anywhere. Let me ask you this when you went there Was it just people from singapore or were there at the english guys there and it was mostly people that lived in singapore But they were super american i didn't realize english is their first language in singapore. Yeah, it's not interesting So they were really americanized. They got all the same jokes, but yeah, it was mostly locals It was really cool. It was a really It was so surreal because we weren't supposed to be in singapore We were supposed to be there for like one night and then leave and like a light bulb broke on the helicopter We were supposed to take to wherever we were going next and so we couldn't take the chopper out. So we got stuck there

So we ended up getting to perform there, which was like so fucking cool. Yeah Yeah, it was so shout out to the uh the bad chopper mechanic who couldn't let us That's where my fucking craziness ends international stuff What do you mean? You won't do it. Petra finds me to death. Why you mean to just have like this everything Or to get there specifically like the travel. I tried i tried jamaica twice and i tried Puerto Rico, I can go there. What's wrong with with what would happen in jamaica? It just creeped me to fuck out the island creeped you out

Everything the food were you there for vacation or for work one time on vacation one day to shoot a movie like i find The rest of the world isn't jamaica though. There's like other parts. Yeah, but i know how can jamaica be bad Isn't it like it's like i don't know. I saw the chickens and shit. I'm picking the chicken tastes weird The food tasted like jamaican jerk chicken I don't like no that shit. I've never heard that before i wanted jamaican and turned me to like all international travel I feel like i'm never going anywhere Because of my felonies and everything i'm so scared to go international they lock me abroad and shit So i just leave it alone. I'm pretty like i don't have a passport, but in many ways i don't want one

Like when they told me you couldn't have a passport. I'm like fine. I ain't gonna fucking drive It's not like i'm going to island You still what if you have a felony on your record is that there forever? Oh, it's like herpes. I guess i get rid of it I don't know. I thought maybe like it goes away for good service like you know after so many years I've got two felonies in colorado and like two in seattle What are they the ones in colorado second degree burglary and accessory to a felony The one in seattle is like

A something to domestic violence, which i didn't smack no no woman I believe that when you let's say you and lead live together. Okay, so I was a great dream obviously I was your ex-boyfriend. Yeah, and I saw you out in a bar and we got into a fight. It'd be domestic violence That's why wait if i'm out with lee Oh, and i run into you at a bar and we get in a fight. I think if he lives with you Oh, because you're my ex-boyfriend. Yeah, that's what happened So another was a horror show but still a domestic violence thing

Oh, man me out for a long time and then there was like a simple assault charge at a bar I got busted The comedy underground in seattle like if you walk into the comedy if you call ron reed At the comedy underground and i'm coming through can I do a guess that you gotta guess that? Roms and ron took up a manager a comics comic type deal. Lee you're looking backwards I'm going through changes right now. This is changes. I'm enjoying hearing all the felonies. This is fascinating to me Yeah, this is deep wait the second one the second one you said you were uh You were what is it called when you help someone else with a their accessory to yeah, you're an accessory

What were you an accessory to what kidnapping what kidnapped? How are you an accessory to kidnapping because this is all the same Crime the whole kidnapping thing we can't vella I my attorney plea bargained down the second degree burglary an accessory to a felony It's all one now the accessory to a felony I think you're the one of the first people to find this out on mushrooms. Listen to me the accessory to a felony is very interesting Because that's what fucked. That's how he fucked them Because the court everybody said accessory to what felony? The second degree burglary or the kidnapping?

And he would say the second degree burglary and it's nonviolent Because his job was to get it non. It's a long wait. So were you convicted though? Oh, yeah I got locked up and everything. Oh, but he had a great case. He did a great. He did a great job I was looking at kidnapping one and two I'm looking at kidnapping one and two if I take it to trial and I lose it's 48 years times two I never see daylight the first offer was 12 or 14 Then they went to nine for kidnapping and I was like nine for kidnapping means I do nine Are you terrified?

I would be not terrified because I thought I thought at that time I was gonna split Like I thought at that time I'd split or do something as it got closer. I was out on bail So I at least say if you got out on bail, you could fucking think and how in the world would you split? You're just gonna like hike into Mexico. I didn't know what I was gonna do. I had a friend that had I had a friend that had a Hertz dealership in Honduras And there's no ex addition treaties with Honduras. This is I had friends that were just trying to help me out Oh my god The more I thought about I'm like you have to run with this the rest of your life

You know one day you come back to the States. You have a wife a kid a family You get into a car accident take it to the hospital. You'll want it for fucking 2000 years Yeah, you can never your whole life. So forget about that shit But then this attorney just worked miracles and I talked to that and I said, you know what I did it I always knew I was gonna go do time I knew I knew I knew it was in my cards. I knew I was gonna get it. I mean as we'll do this and get it over And that was it Wow

What was it like? I'm so I don't know what I'm fascinated by like what really goes on in prison because you see movie and You know movies and tv, but I don't that's probably not real. Like what is it really scary on the outside? Nothing On the outside nothing. I I knew I was gonna get in this All I could wish for was every day that I you know, there was crazy people in there Well, even when I got to the camp There were people that had been there from murder man, you know, they they still have those tendencies and now There's a thin line for what respect is in the outside and what respect is inside with people. Yeah, there's a weird

thing in your mind You know, there's a lot so I just kept to myself, you know, I had a friend That had gotten into trouble and I took him out to lunch a bunch of times And he hooked me up. He called the prison and talked to the one guard. He goes, this is my buddy He was well He was rich this guy. His name is ed kebash. He was a bad motherfucker He was a geek that became a A drug millionaire

He started hanging out with this chick who knew about drugs and maybe he made money and then wow He crashed two cars in one week. He had a liquor store Oh, yeah, he had two chicks. He was they were driving Porsches. I mean this guy was banging now That sounds nice, but when he got locked up, he paid a lot of money to get taken care of He paid a lot You can really pay people he paid a lot of money How interesting did you pay money to get taken care of a little bit? Really?

Like a couple people just like when I got in they told me what to do and I thought I took care of him You seem like a guy that would very quickly move up though and be running your own little ring No, I tried to keep because you don't want to step on nobody's toes. Right when I got to my final destination Yeah, I was having a great fucking time. Really? Yeah, you having fun. Yeah You're the first you're the first person I've ever heard today. They're having fun in jail I mean you could look at it two fucking ways. You could look at it from two fucking ways I had no, you know, I was working in a kitchen. I had access to food. Yeah. Yeah, which meant People wanted to talk to me because I had access to food

Oh, yeah, of course cheese to make nachos. They wanted this They like skim milk, you know, are you winking at me on purpose or you know, I'm just like going like, you know I'm like, is this code? It's all this food code. So you get famous. You're fine. Okay. You get famous You know, like the guys that work in the garbage crew Listen, my girlfriend's gonna drop off a pair of panties on the exit over there. That's the kind of favors. Yeah Oh, I don't like cigarettes. No, no, like maybe uh, listen, you like to do coke. How about I give you an eight ball? Okay Got it. Got this spot. There's a bag. There's gonna be coke and they put it down dirty panties They don't they don't search you, you know on the way back or something

Just think once you have those type of jobs people So like I had friends that would come to me and go my wife brought me to molly's bro Can you put them in the freezer for me? I give me two right off the top Bam. Oh, like that. I had access to a freezer. The hooker had access to a property Of 60 yards from the main facility So the guys that were selling steroids and shit would say to me you have a stash over there We'll pay you some money, you know We got some heroin

So I would put it somewhere where I couldn't get in trouble for it. What I would put it somewhere where it's not in my car But i'm watching it, but not really So if there was crates outside and the garbage man had to pick them up I would stash the heroin under a crate of something so nobody got in trouble. Oh my god It could always be the garbage man. There's always a there's always a doubt You were involved in dangerous activity. You could have been taken out. No, I wasn't on the inside Shanked shanked. No, I wasn't I was fine It wasn't like that at all. They were like low-level dudes, but

But heroin is a high-level drug. There was there was a guy that was a biker that I became friends with But I still think about him. He's a solid fucking white dude Solid white dude. Just a fucking banger. I still think about I still think about him late at night And uh, he used to get meth every monday From his girlfriend his girlfriend would come in and swap spit with him a condom And fill it up with fucking meth Like two-way balls and like a little condom every monday every monday And he would put it over here in his mouth and walk in when he would even swallow and shit

They would search him and fucking he'd come in and he'd call me over to his room And we'd do a little line at meth And then we'd go play basketball in the gym and I thought I was fucking julia serving my heart was gonna blow up There was a lot, you know, I still think of those guys torey piles the black dude. That was a high-level Crip He had seven fucking girlfriends each of them had a different fucking borsh Mercedes it was amazing how much on the outside on the outside seven girlfriends But how long was he three kids? He was in there for 12 or 13 years. He was but he got him for seven girls He got oh, this motherfucker was making cash in there. That's crazy. This is when the Crips were going from california

To colorado and distributing cocaine. What do you need seven girlfriends for in jail? Because he was big dick pimping. Do they have conjugal visits at this jail? Oh So he worked with me in the kitchen So me and him what you do is if you have a visit on saturday and sunday, you got to sit next to animals But if you were if I have a visit next to animals, so if I take a job monday through friday Yeah, my visits to saturday and sunday stopped me to fingy when there's 200 animals in the room But if I take a visit with you on wednesday

There's nobody in the back. There's four people there. I'll just tell you come in bring a basket. You're not serious Yes, wait, you're all in the same room. No, no, no, no, no So when you visit somebody i'm fucking saturday and sunday That it's a big room and you just get on the table and you talk so it's pretty rough for me to fingy Because there's 200 people so what he's saying is there's no Monday through friday if you work in the kitchen you get visits So you would say come in monday and tuesday and bring a basket of food. We'll have lunch Wear a dress with no panties

And we would sit by the I would make you sit by the Door there was a door here and there was a window So I would make you pop up so you could see around and I would eat your pussy While you were looking at the guards and see if any of the guards were coming in. Oh, yeah There was a scam though. There weren't really conjugal visits, but there were conjugal. Yeah, I would give you a stab in every monday If you came to visit me the girlfriend at the time I was giving a monday stabbings their secret conjugal business happening in jail show up on mondays into they're not conjugal kate I got it

In monday and tuesday's they would come in and you sit down like nothing's happening. Yeah, bring a dress Yeah, and we look around the guards leave pop up that dress I give you a little stab and a little sucky sucky and then we talked for two hours like nothing happened You were hooked up. Yeah, we eat chinese food you could bring food in and then bring me groceries for the week They check the groceries and take a wig off the top But that means they take care of you. You know I'm saying kate Have you ever loved anyone enough to stay with them through prison? And then not only will them have to stay with them to go in every week. Fuck. Yeah

Have sex in jail. That'd be great. Fuck. Yeah, imagine this imagine if you were with a really great guy You know and then he did go to jail for you for something he did that was like heroic You know like he saved another girl But he accidentally kind of killed a guy because he lost his temper or whatever And then he goes to jail and he's amazing and there's a way that you can sneak in and have this like Fake in the kitchen like he pays off the guards sex every once in a while But not have to deal with all the relationship drama at home. That'd be like a perfect Scenario, you have this man down. I think why do you think these chicks become I am on I am on meet a prisoner

Why do you think these chicks get together with these fucking killers and shit? Just to think I got a dick in me the guy killed 18 people No, it's gotta go with it off. I mean I'm saying I'm dating a guy that killed 18 people My guy went to jail for heroic reasons. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, you gotta hook up with a guy that's a hero. Good luck Well, you know I hear over the violent temper. Huh? I'm kidding. There's no sex thing as a hero of the body Fucking hero. Have you ever lost your fucking mind? He killed 18 people We don't want to I don't want to we just we can't help it. There's something about a guy

That will kill people that's like, you know, it's it's primal. It's like the man, you know, it's like the beast inside We don't really want him to we don't really want murderers, you know It was funny because the guy that gave us the guy that gave me the tv called me the other day from the halfway house He didn't call me from the halfway house He had an hour to look for a job and we were talking And he was telling me that, you know, he hasn't had a he's seen his wife And the whole thing but he's still nothing's gone down but he goes There's some fucking hot chicks at the halfway house and I'm like, I know

Hot chicks at the halfway house tells me a great reality show and I got off the phone and I got off the phone And I was I don't know where I think it was in my office And I was trying to write jokes or something and I had to organize something and I started thinking about the conversation we had And when I was in the halfway house, the top two floors were for men But the bottom floor were for girls. That was only uh, maybe 10 girls. There was two rooms for girls The bottom floor was a kitchen Like a kitchen where you went and they gave you your groceries for the week Yeah, and then there was like a microwave and then there was like a bathroom

Then there was a conference room and then there was the hallway So when I was in doing time there was a guy in there that used to tell me about his girlfriend And he would tell me you're on your way to bctc. She's gonna be in bctc I still remember her name and everything. I don't want to even mention it. Oh my god, and I didn't think nothing of a guy. I was uh, you know And finally go to bctc. I walk in and after two days. Who do I meet? I meet the girl and I said, hey, I met your boy Yeah, he said you're coming here. We became friends and I never thought nothing of it And after a couple weeks, I started selling coke in the halfway house and when

One thing led to another One thing led to another. He had to find employment in the halfway house. One thing led to another and one friday I come in from selling cars and I pull up and the invicts knew I would come in I was loaning out money and I come and I signed up But in those days if somebody calls for you or somebody wants to talk to you they leave a message in your book So when you walk in they give you your book and you sign in with time you come in there's like let's say they want to give you a ua I say they want you to pee there'll be a note in there for a ua

Well, there's there'll be a note you have to sign and you got two hours to piss from the time you sign that piece of paper If your attorney called it was in there But this one night I get in and I open the thing and there's a note from This girl and she goes when you come in can you please stop and see okay? And I make that I didn't expect nothing of it. I thought that she wanted to buy a blow Okay, I walk in there's nobody in the hallway. I get to her door. I'm not gonna door She opens the door and fucking Victoria's secret. I don't know what to do But I'm an invict I grab her tits. We start making out

I take my dick out the whole thing She says we can't do it in here I fucking took her out of there and took her into that little kitchen area Bent her over no condom. No nothing. I eat her ass. I eat her pussy and just dip that monster in there It sounds like a porno And then after that it was like every time I saw I gave her a stab So we used to go to therapy we used to go to therapy together like the whole you know, you have to go to group gropes So there was some group groups

This really is a porno There were some group groups that were at the halfway house But some group gross or the place called serenity right down the corner. Is this what you call it group groups? That's what they fucking that's their technical term. It's a horrible name So we you have to go to like two days a week. You have to go to these meetings Right It got to the point where her and I would go to the same meetings and there were three hour meetings But they haven't at the hour and a half mark. You'd have a break

And I just give her a look and we'd go behind a car in the parking lot I either ass suck a pussy and give her a stab and and I'd walk back in like nothing happened I was a fucking nut sound like great therapy a year later even after she had a boyfriend One day I was riding my bike and I saw her walking the dog. He was going on. She's like nothing She was like moving under the guy having a ride. Oh, come on. She goes. Yeah What does he do for a living? She goes, he's like a salesman. He travels like let's go over. They smoke a joint I was over there three minutes eating her monkey. Oh my god. It was terrible. Yeah. Yeah Wow, I bet sometimes you have people like that that you know, I met a fucking girl at the halfway house

I still remember how beautiful she was her girl her daughter. No, no, no, no, I met a girl Oh a girl at the halfway house That was so fucking hot a brunette And she was in that because she she was a manager at macy's like a purse check And she stole like 9 000 purses and they fucking put her in a federal for macy's whatever the fuck It's like a dollar store. Why one of those fucking purse places. She was a big-time chick the purses like 400 bucks in 1987 she was very decent

Like she was very you know, most chicks are like I would never eat on that, you know, like one of those chicks Oh, okay. And I became friends with her, you know, I would make jokes out of I would always make jokes I don't like stupid jokes like I was you know, like she didn't know I was goofing on her Right, but I would say how was your day thing? The place is just disgusting I never lived in such a place and I would just laugh, you know, like yeah, did you find the fleas yet? Are there fleas here? I have to call my attorney So I became I became friends with her. She was really pretty really pretty banging body. She was thick She had short brown hair

And when and I'd see her walking and when that was dry because I had privileges to drive So when that paul you want to ride she can get me right to the mall She was working at the ball. I took it to the mall boom dropped her off nothing happened. It's good to see you See you tonight See you at therapy that type of shit. How did you earn privileges to drive at the halfway house? What did you have you have to get a job and stay on the job and pay rent on time and how much did cost to live there? 75 miles a week. Can you move in? If you're not

So this guy was really sweet. That's really good for me. I this guy was really sweet, kate And I'm saying you know, I asked her once I go don't you have a boyfriend. She goes god forbid I dated a guy for two years and when I got locked up he stopped writing me, you know this shit She was kind of like a pretty girl always wore fucking bad ass clothes like her job was pretty badass. Yeah And when that's all walking and I picked her up and I had this gym I had this little gym with a punching bag a radio a joint a jump rope some gloves and weights I rented the gym for 35 dollars a month. I had that gym since gcless chicago. It was a garage It was a garage, right? It sounds cool. Like three blocks away from the halfway house

I didn't know I was and I end up in the halfway house when I rented the garage. It just worked out that way So I pick her up and we're talking like are you gonna go to work? She goes, no, I'm just bored in the halfway house And I said something to her like something off-call like I gotta tell you something Why don't the fuck you have a boyfriend? What the fuck is going on with you? Nice and she said something like Something like well, why won't you date me dog? I didn't even say a word I made a fucking u-turn And I'll never forget she had on heels like she was dressed like an attorney with like a The little dress over her knees and shit bad ass with stockings with black stockings. I was really fucking tear this bitch up

And she's like, where are we going? I gotta make a stop. I pulled into that garage like fucking I'm sure like the dude in the garage like the dude who's out till the last I took her to a garage Back to the garage. It was so funny because she's like, baby. I got the best garage in town. She's like, what are we gonna do in here? I go, come on. We went in there. We started going to punch bags. I'm gonna punch your bags Clothes on I like I was headed to the gym and I saw we started making out. She was tremendous. She was beautiful My hair was short. We started making and I took a little vest off a little penguin suit

I took that skirt off. I threw her on the fucking bench She thought that head was gonna blow like nobody had ever treated that way Just like what you said a weight bench. It was a weight bench weight bench Like nobody had ever put this girl on the bench. She looked at the bench. She was like, really? I go get on that fucking bench I picked her fucking legs up. I ate that muffler. I ate that monkey. I fucking conned them I went in there like a soldier Jesus and that was the end of that dog and it was tremendous. She was beautiful When I was driving home, I don't know if she was crying. I don't know what the fuck the problem she was

You made her see god Oh my god friends after that for a while, I mean we never had sex that time but we were friends for a while We talked each night even after I got out of the halfway house. She would call me with dilemmas, you know She's one dilemma I wonder if maybe the mushrooms are making me a little more bashful because when you're telling these super dirty sex stories I'm getting a little like no you've all lived these stories. You've been fucked on a bench a thousand times But I'm never bashful. How many times you get fucked on a weight lifting bench on a weight lifting bench not one time What kind of animal are you?

How many times have you gotten banged at the gym in the men's bathroom? Tell me the truth Come on. I swear to god the woman's bathroom. Nobody said to you. Give me that sweaty I never fucked a stranger at the gym and never fucked a guy was dating at the gym. Don't you have any fucking adventures? Yeah, I mean fitting rooms like at the mall like Movie theater bathrooms. I just haven't got a boyfriend. I just the random Oh, no, I don't really fuck randoms. I really don't so this needs a boyfriend That took you to the movie theater and said take it off you dirty animal Oh, well, not necessarily a boyfriend. Just like someone i'm dating

So I would take you to the movie theater put a hole in the popcorn put my dick in the box And put the popcorn over it so you grab the popcorn you massage the helmet and shit. That's great. That's great Invisible assault you hide your dick in a box of popcorn. That's if I was in the sixth grade. He's a joke. Yeah, sure He's a joke. Why you're the only one with jokes cocksucker That's so funny. I don't know man. I've been having I've been trying to have more adventures I'm trying to learn to be um I'm trying to learn to be able to be more casual about it and like but I don't fuck strangers No, like I'm never me a guy and within like an hour. We're fucking I never do that

who I was Three three, but only once only once I just don't do it. I don't know why I let's say, you know, listen man When you go to a bar, it's such a cheesy fucking environment but like One time I met a girl at midnight. I was a bolder walking around and she was walking around and she asked me if I had a light We started talking we started walking by three o'clock. We were naked and at the university Behind the bush walking. Oh my god. Yeah, we just kept walking and talking You know, sometimes you get attracted to something and shit happens, man

I mean I've there have been nights that I would have done it that I can think of in my head where the actually this is interesting The guys that there were two guys that I wanted to hook up with so bad within like two three hours of meeting them And we were one in particular. Oh god. He's so uh, you just play NFL football Body of like a greek fucking like god. So we're in an uber. I just met him We start hooking up. It's I can tell it's gonna be amazing and I would have gone home with him And then all of a sudden he was like, you know, we should do this next time And I was like, are you sure and he's like, yeah We should do this next time. So now I wonder if maybe like he had a girlfriend there or something

Like every once in a while a guy will will will push me off and they're usually the ones I want the most It happened with him. He said we should do this next time and then there was one other time I tried Oh, I was so into this guy. We started making out this bar. We just met he was super funny He kind of had the edge like he might punch somebody or beat somebody up in the bar, which I like, you know I like that. So we started hooking up at the bar and then He's like he calls an uber and then I think we're gonna get in it and go back to his place together And then he was like, hey, it was so good to meet you. I'll definitely hit you up We'll do this next time and never heard from him again

And I thought the sex with that one was gonna be like Off the chart top. So what do you think that is because those guys were the ones I wanted the most ever It means I want guys That are unavailable on some deep level That's why the ones I instantly want to bang because my Tell me this shift we'll call the psychiatrist and tell them the therapy's working My vagina's psychic. No, uh, it's fucking crazy, man It takes a lot to catch yourself

You know I'm saying like it takes a lot to go. You know what? This ain't gonna work tonight. It's not something that I've always and ever said Because look at me. I gotta take what they give it. You know what I'm saying? I can't say well, this ain't gonna work tonight. I'll see you next time kate Yeah, what is that? Who the hell knows kate? Maybe they are married. Maybe it's gotta be me I gotta be attracted to people that like Can't because they have a reason like a person or or I'm an emotional block Like wait or their dick just doesn't work

I'm attracted to guys who are impotent. Are you really I don't know but it's that's what I'm saying Why else would they be turning me down? Do you take guys home and they got dead dick a lot? No, it's only happened once Well, they don't they were doing drugs. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, that's fucking I don't really take guys home though. I if I'm gonna go I go to their place I don't take my place Why not because I don't want to have to kick them out because I don't like to be rude And I like to be in charge of when I leave So if I want to stay I'll stay but if I want to leave I want to be able to leave but

If we're at my place then, you know, I can't just walk out at any time So I have to really trust someone to bring them home. You're like the party's over. Yeah, it was good last night when it lasted I took a look at you this morning. I smelled your feet. There's no more I don't know because sometimes what if you get them back there and you start hooking up and they're surprised you don't know about like they're really smelly or Maybe once they get behind closed doors. They aren't crazy and you don't want them, you know in your apartment But now they're in your apartment Stop being a young girl, man. So I'd rather go to their place and get murdered there

I'm just kidding. It's tough being a young woman, man. It really is No It's fucking heavy to be pretty not young enough to be pretty To be fat not to be fat So, you don't know why a guy likes you, you know There was a girl in high school. I had a glass eye. I always think about her Because I think about her You know, because no because when we were in high school, nobody would talk to her

Because she had a glass eye when you're young like that. You don't think about You know people's feelings and I always think about what what happened to her that she ever hooked up with somebody That somebody overlooked the eye Maybe she's missing an eye, but she saw some good dicks. You just say fuck it. I'll take the one with the Michael Bisbee guy That's what she had so many things I want to say She had a little Michael Bisbee. It was nice and sweet until I know

Like I always wanted that they got together. I always did. I always she was a nice girl Maybe she you know, I mean she didn't she would never date me even with the one fucking eyes It's not like, you know, you know, not only she would never fucking date me. I'm just saying that She was very sweet. I always thought about if anybody overlooked that She told me once that she had a crush on a guy and I knew the guy And I knew she couldn't get the fucking guy But I never really said nothing till it was out in place for me to say something But from time I always think she was a nice girl. So many ever dated her. She had the glass eye. That's it

That's sweet. Yeah, it's nothing funny about it. I wonder what what made you think of her I'm like the girl with the glass eye. Who are you? Yeah No, you're not no glass eye My personality is the glass It's not on the outside. It's on the inside. So what else do you have beside tempi after tempi you have a lot of work Yeah, I'm actually uh, oh god. I gotta think I'm doing Phoenix actually I'm doing phoenix again Uh

At another club. I don't really want to promote Since we're coming I'm doing uh, vegas. Uh, I think I'm doing vegas end of the month again with steve burn and then um I don't know follow me on twitter. I post everything there. I can't think of it off the top of my head Joey, you gave me too many mushrooms. You have a web page. Yeah, katequigley.com or instagram and twitter at kateq funny I'm way better updating also my facebook fan page. That's way more up to date all the time. But um Oh, yeah, I'm doing a week in vegas with the ovan actually at the laugh factory. That's going to be really fun So i'm always getting around. I'm trying. I'm trying. What about the playboy show? What does that go back of the season three? Oh, we should start shooting in the next eight weeks and then uh,

What else there's oh and check out my podcast your guys listeners have been listening to my podcast Which is awesome, which is called date fails and I have tony baker doing it with me now Do you know? I don't know if you know tony. He's super duper funny black dude. Yeah, I don't I know me He's so funny and he's the perfect edge like the opposite edge of me because he's got his pulse on like Not just dudes, but like these hip like what's going on with like the hip kids And I feel like I just know what's going on with like girls that are crazy. So it's it's cool And we talk about um all our bad dates and

I'll have you on it sometime Bad dates. Yeah And i'm bad dates. I just got crabs I only got bad dates. I just got crabs or stominka juice and I got a new grill. Did you see my grill? I saw your fucking grill. I also want to thank uh John Petrowski, he gave me a fucking tremendous album. He gave me the black crows The second album the one with remedy on it fucking tremendous I had that on cassette

In my fucking uh, whatever like I said this weekend myself and kato be a tempi and then february third Through the uh the second through the fourth. Oh, shit It's motherfucking nashville Coming at you bitches So take that and put it in your pipe. Listen, I want to talk to you people about something valentine's day's come Everybody's always complaining about being single. We don't know what to do or nothing like that You know, it's funny how my mom used to dress me in suits And she always liked when I was clean. I won't put a suit on for dick now

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Do yourself a favor and just get two of them right away Because because you're gonna be fighting over it. It's wow if something happens get a third one Don't live like I did without the sleep apnea machine. I love you mother fuckers again Me kate and ali moose at the tempi improp thursday friday two shows saturday two shows Come on by and say hello. I appreciate you with all my heart. We'll be back wednesday night again Indochino tushy and honor.com. Thank you for sponsoring the show kate. I love you to all my heart I love you for having enough bigger balls and have these fags in hollywood Lee you're my dog to the end. You fucking badass. You love me buddy. Stay black hit it

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