Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #448 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with Uncle Mike

Episode Date: January 19, 2017

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, are joined LIVE in studio by Joey's longtime friend Uncle Mike.  Mike and Joey sold cars together, shot student films and Mike drove Joey around to a lot of his early comedy gigs.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 01/18/2017.  

the church of what's happening now is presented by on it this show is brought to you by hello toshi dot com the days are back the church of what's happening now is honored to introduce you to hello toshi dot com hello toshi dot com makes portable devices that spray your butt completely clean with water that's right uncle mike completely clean with water i don't know what i did with before i had it go to hello toshi dot com slash church right now to get 10 off of your order that's hysterical here you go another fun filled fucking afternoon uncle joey uncle mike

the flying june i'm main man lisa yad a lot of love baby the church of what's happened now what a man i don't know why thursday the 19th of january get your shit together or this is gonna happen to you right there they're gonna take your car and see your fucking girlfriend your fucking credit cards there you go you

fucking tremendous nothing but fucking balls heart and soul listen to that motherfucker what's happening you bad savages lisa yad uncle mike here you don't need to know nothing about mike mike's my uncle he's my best man at my wedding i've been hanging out with mike since 1990 since i got out of a halfway house maybe a year before i got into stand-up comedy so we're going to go over a few fucking crazy stories tonight you said it was like you were on my age when you met mike or roughly i'm not sure so 90 i was uh 27 years old wow yeah you're younger than me you was smaller oh a lot smaller a lot smaller i was just i just got out of the joint when i met you you were fighting oh i was fighting weight i was hitting the bag i was swimming i was lifting

fucking weights i was running in both you know boulder uh at that time in 1990 was a very you know when you looked at like they had a newspaper boulder and there's data section about activities everything was health relatedly in those days like there were bars in boulder they had a thing called friday afternoon club uh at a bar that was one of the hottest disgust those spots in the country like it made playboy magazine you couldn't even fucking drive on a rap all boulevard on friday from all the people that would come from all over the state wyoming justin woke up it was fac friday afternoon club and uh beside that there were the pearl street bars pearls where our friends the jewish guys wife work bartended wasn't they potters potters potters and there were those string of

bars but that's it there was one strip club the bus stop yeah that sounds terrible they were all c u co-ed they were all fucking girls from the university and the funny thing was that the guy died and he left it to a church and the church inherited the fucking strip club and they were taking a cell and see we were doing those bongits to stop banging on the fucking table please for the love of christ hey so uh there was the bus stop so there wasn't much to much to fucking do in bold in those days besides the workout mm well you know everything was health related moonlight walk in the mountains there's fucking snakes and mountain lions up there in ship top where you want to go for a fucking moose walk at night you know everything was like very health oriented

in boulder it was very rough to be fat when you went to the ymc aim boldly there was three fat people out of andrew because the city was so health oriented so why why was it tough to be fat you felt bad or i got a look what was tough about it it's it's the culture it was the culture you know it's like you know like we live we live in this incredibly we live in this incredibly beautiful spot you know how we all ended up there is who the fuck knows i don't know how i ended up there that's another story and and then bumping into him on the street coming down from the halfway house and and that's just you know i got that moment like frozen in my head you know it's there was a mexican place that they their menu was a healthy there was a few blocks in boulder uh in those days

that was the original restaurant was called the harvest lee oh yeah you've spoken about the vegetarian place harvest was yeah if i have to sit here with you and go one of my favorite restaurants of all time it was the harvest what made me go in Italy i don't know the iced tea was the best iced tea i had caffeine in it to the to the gills it was stronger than greasy toni's fucking mountain dew when they tried to put a new iced tea the fucking town signed the petition of boulder this is how fucking crazy boulder was in those days they got a petition to get against a restaurant to bring back the fucking tea the original tea oh the boy got the fucking restaurant how do you think you always end up in these crazy cities like how like north bergen bolt like because you

changed your mind right like you weren't going to boulder i was not going to bow i ended up in boulder i ended up in boulder the truth of the matter was i ended up in boulder because i owe $60,000 you know i fucking uh i was a suspect and you know ten berglaries from two years before i was under investigation some guy had turned and they called him and his wife stealing from the city of aspen so his return was that he'd bring in drug dealers oh no so he went to different people and he whenever he come to my house he'd go let's go talk outside that's how i knew he had cops close by with the parabolic box oh no motherfucker and then one night what i did was i went to my friend carl's house and i left my

car there and i took his car and i took a ride around the mountain and i came down my mountain instead of go up it and i went behind this thing and there were the fucking cars and there was the telescope i saw it right there and i just fucking went down it was right around thanksgiving of 86 maybe the giants were in the super bowl maybe okay yeah yeah and i fucking was supposed to i ordered a turkey this company was gonna kill a turkey and i was supposed to pick it up on wednesday right and that's fucking tuesday night it starts snowing and i'm fiending i'm fucking savage i'm fiending and these days my paranoia had gotten so bad my cast uh mic my paranoia had gotten so bad in these days that i couldn't even get high in my own house

so i'm gonna have to get a package and go to lee's and get away 200 miles and say lee take paula to the movies and don't come back because you thought like they were watching your house oh yeah so i would only get high at people's houses i would go over and pay them to leave their house but didn't you think they were following you to that person's house no no no i would park the car and walk through bushes and fucking camouflage and rifles but at point my paranoia was so out of control it was it was really uh it was it was it was i was ready to check into a hospital but i wasn't i was too proud to admit it the cocaine had taken its fucking toll it was like seven hard monthly of six nights a week eight ball a night no sleep you know uh taking care of myself food

and working out but no sleep just living on fucking two hours a night and here is november and i told the girlfriend i'm going for a ride keep rubbing your hands keep rubbing your hands in front of the microphone yes that one happens you're gonna lie to fly and i told the girlfriend at the time who ended up being my wife i was gonna take a ride i went i copped a fucking three 21 grams and i paid kato 100 bucks and a little coke to get the fuck out of his apartment and i stayed there from tuesday night to thanks giving around five i still remember watching like one of the football games and going when is this coke gonna end and kato's knocking on the door come on i got a fucking coke like my aunt's coming over would he go to your house what did he

do he walked into my house and she was halfway past she was halfway back she goes i don't know what to do people been calling here people looking for your money some guy knocked on the door the guy from the supermarket called the turkeys down there waiting for you order the turkey you were supposed to like i was gonna do the scarface type then like i was out of my mind like dinner for eight we were gonna start partying wednesday and then eat turkey nobody was gonna fucking make turkey and i had borrowed my had gone to those days i used to go to people and go uh mike you got 3000 yeah i'll give you back 4402 days give me 3000 i had gone to this guy that was in police academy his mother owned a pizza place in snowmass village his sister and her husband owned a pizza

place and he was a pizza dude and he was starting to be a cop but he would he would always come to me and say i want to i want to know the other side of the world so finally after like three years or this after like him begging me for a year i got him for three g's and i got somebody else for like four g's and i and one of my drug deals i'd gotten a pound apart that mike if you looked at it you were like this weed looks fucking tremendous it smelled tremendous you could smoke 80 joints of it nothing would happen not even bad breath nothing this weed was fucking horrendous i took that seven grand i took that seven grand i had to pay off two or three people like two or three thousand i kept like four grand and that friday right after thanksgiving everybody kept calling me calling

me i said listen i'm taking a trip on tuesday i'm coming back with 22 ounces by this time i knew everybody was watching me so i told everybody on the phone you follow me so even if the people were watching me they thought i was taking a trip on tuesday if we're gonna bust them let's wait till tuesday he's gonna take a plane and we'll get him on the way back with the cocaine was anyone ever listening or were you just doing yes no the the phones were tapped if we were on in those days they had to put a tag on your phone on your phone on your phone box where your phone box was there was no cell phones there was no cell phone yeah so they had to put the feds had to put a certain tag or the state or local cops had to put a certain tag on your thing so you'd go to whoever had that

box so you would break into it yourself and there would be the fucking thing then they sold these boxes you could buy these boxes in those days and connect them to your phone and have people call you the thing turned red the phone was tapped that fucking thing was always red you understand that don't worry about where you get this shit all right just just just listen and learn so i told everybody on that phone that i was going back to the east coast to pick up a kilo of this shit that noriega had processed himself i had them i had these people salivating why if because i wanted them to but think i was gonna come back on tuesday and that was gonna bust me that was gonna give me four or five days to get the fuck out of town knucklehead they're waiting for me till

tuesday they're gonna stop watching me i'm gonna get in my car and head to fucking boulder whatever the fuck we're gonna go oh my god so you're not coming back who the fuck do you think you're dealing why would you put that on the phone so on a late friday night when everybody was fucking napping new new and thinking we'll just get him on tuesday i packed what i had in the car i got the fucking dog i got that half pound of weed and i went to this drug deal i owe 30 000 and i said listen i know you've heard this before i know you've heard this before but we got to make this deal i got this guy he wants an ounce of coke i got like a thousand bucks and a pound of weed i will be back here in one hour with the balance and if you want to keep the pound you could keep it for 500

oh i caught her a deal her eyes smothered her this bag of weed for 500 it's tremendous she thought she had a deal i said don't smoke until i leave don't smoke until i leave i got in that fucking dirty business this coke was fucking tremendous this girl got in fact she lives here now in los angeles and she's a manager she's somebody's assistant uh randy jackson somebody big's assistant i owe her like 30 large i fucking took that fucking ounce of blow i got in that car i did two bumps and i got on the road to bolder because the girl i was with was from bolder and this is where new york was or this isn't snowmass village right okay it took us two days to get back to snowmass village to four-hour fucking drive yeah snowmass to bolder yeah four

hours it took us two days you know why only we were scenery we were so paranoid we were checking the hotels do a line of coke and then check out and get out we checked into four hotels one night that's how fucking paranoid the sex on coke must just be amazing because every other coke story sounds terrible at that point the sex was good but it didn't matter the cops were looking for me i had no time to fucking lovey-dovey all right it's a fucking business there's a time for lovey-dovey and there's a time for fucking business all right oh my god so we just drove back to bolder and i got the money i had left over and i got a little apartment up in north bolder with another guy that didn't do coke but he did more coke than the both of us and his creepy

girlfriend they were locked themselves in the bedroom i was like oh it's a fucking hour show it was a fucking hour show and i couldn't find the job so i got a job at a car wash as a towel guy and i was drying all fucking cars oh no the puddle car wash then i got promoted to fucking like the second towel guy like the guy who brings the towels out to the other fucking idiots 52 hours a week for seven bucks a fucking hour that's what you that's what you that's what you're doing then i'm doing no no no then from there i went over to bill crouch's body shop first okay bill crouch had a body shop out down 57 to the wrap all i forget the guy's name good dude and the dude that was running the place was from new york i detailed no first i started as a shagga

85 hours for fucking guys i forget what it was it was a i started working for them it was 60 hours a week and i got 800 a month flat as a and what's a shagga do you want to tell me what's shagga does i clean bathrooms i give people rides when they drop their cars off i give them a ride so i had to be there at six to start giving people where i had steel to change out of the car the roaches the guitar clips anything i could steal was gone i don't know what happened to it the vacuum cleaner took it you know me the fucking vacuum i don't know nothing lee the hardest two or three months in my life because i couldn't quit i wouldn't let myself quit the money was garbage but i had to prove it to myself that i still had it that doesn't even sound like it was minimum wage it was horrific

and so it was horrific it sucks i made the best of it because i hustled there the people like me people would say you know what wash my car take a 20 off the top i got weed there i bought coke there i had friends there had you already been at car salesman at that point no i didn't i didn't do nothing at that point see that's why and granted your sounds like a little harder than being a pa but it or maybe kind of the same maybe but i think those kind of jobs are important i think even for a couple months that's the job with i had a manager that was a fucking dick his name was dirk jordan or dirk johnson or something like that i forget this fucking jerk off right which he was all these dudes that was a fucking geek but they made him a manager and he would

pull rank on you and shit like that because he was real fucking cute so he would pull rank on you so one day i'm sweeping like i had i did everything shitty i emptied the oil i had to take the cars after a collision and vacuum them and then drive them around i get glass stuck in my fucking neck and shit jesus and then they'd fucking fix the car and then after they painted i'd have to wash it and put a special thing on it and then dry it really good and give it back to them and then i had to help to do to install stereos lee i did everything there for 800 a fucking month yeah then they finally promoted me to a detail i was a junior detail which meant i was on commission but i was guaranteed 100 bucks a day and i was making 150 200 a day because you know me dog

they had these cars that came off the boat with cosmoline on them all right when you bought when you bought a honda in those days uh toyota not a toyota what did they what did they have that crouch honda nissan kraut subaru krauts mitzubishi all those cars came with cosmoline on them is it like coating it's a coating for the ship so the salt and that type of stuff doesn't get into the car oh gotcha so you got to wash that cosmoline off with a special chemical some nasty shit you got to wash it off first and then i have to take the wrapping off and have to put the floor mats down i'd have to push a button to connect the stereo i'd have to do like four or five things on the checklist those that car took two hours they gave me like 30 bucks if it was a

used car you got like 35 bucks which is four hours but if you were involved in a lottery you know i'm saying so you took them as they had them but i became friends with the people at the honda place who was a girl named lori roller lori ended up marrying our drug dealer vince all right that's where they met at the honda dealer she was the hot blonde behind the thing me vince we all worked together did you know that that's why i met vince 1988 at boulder auto body that's why i met these motherfuckers in 87 he was the head detailer he knew everything he was the baddest motherfucker he's the hardest he was the baddest motherfucker there so dirk used to pull rank on us and one day i'm cleaning out the gutter the circle thing where all the drain water goes in

from washing the cars and there's a fucking rat that's dead so i look over to the side and there's dirk geordian's jacket was hanging on the hook so i took the fucking rat i dried it with paper and first of all i'll tell you say he pulled rank he's your manager he said he's my manager but he was one of those dudes that was a manager but he's lucky to be breathing he's a fucking retard he's lucky to be breathing one of those managers that you look at and go really i will fucking out matthew the debt you understand me i will out matthew the debt choose the algebra bitch like they just got manager because they'd been there he was a fucking moron you know and then he had this little certain rank to him so i took that rat and put it in his pocket right i fucking i went

i forgot about it and the next day he comes in his car is all banked up and shit he reached his pocket for cigarettes and it was the fucking rat and he almost hit a pole hit like a fucking farmer's thing so boom one dag over the fucking pito pinto that's his name stop coughing in the fucking microphone you're worse than i am god damn it and oh no now sniff a little too right in the fucking microphone when you got to do any to move away so these people don't don't live the experience does that hurt yeah you gotta move away there you go there you go don't drink water because then they get mad at me and they get mad at me for everything everything i got a fucking new note stop drinking water i'm gonna sit for three hours

and talk and dehydrate so there was a dude pito pinto who you knew was a fucking thief married to mary mustang from day one and this is young kid that worked for me no no no i'm lying to you guys i'm lying to you guys okay so that in those days it was the hunt the store the Subaru store in the Mitsubishi store the Honda store was very white everybody wore a nice suit Subaru you could tell these guys might have a felony or they might rob somebody or they want to run for killing their wife or something okay i could live with that but the Mitsubishi store was the fucking raiders they were all it was the two Indians and little means they had three salesmen that were over six for four yeah two big fucking Indians that were over 296 foot six and there was a fit into Mitsubishi's

those little jeeps when they were tipping over they had them they were selling them at car they were selling them at label over there what do you call that sticker sticker those guys were making fucking 15 000 a month in 1987 selling Mitsubishi's dog in those days that place became a tire store that place like years later became a tire store that little store generated millions and those years in Mitsubishi those little fucking jeeps no no no no no the ones that were tipping over no that's Suzuki Suzuki they were selling Suzuki's and we were doing Suzuki's that's the fucking Jeep they were selling oh wow and they had like four salesmen what's his name Lee Ayakoka he did that they were selling they had four sales bleep at the Subaru store there was seven salesmen

and in those days in 1987 they were selling 135 cars out of there Wheeler was the gentleman the sales manager Peter Pinto was the fucking uh the the new car manager and there was no floor manager and I would go in every day and break their balls hey what's up the Suzuki guys you couldn't say a word because you get stabbed at that dealership what does Suzuki sell besides those things that's it that's it they were selling 80 cars a month over there and the fucking Subaru had seven salesmen they were doing like 135 and the Honda store that store was rocking in those days there was a new car store that's before John L. Wade took over the other fucking store in Westminster and fucked them all up in the ass because we didn't want to buy a car from John L.

Wayne everybody okay so okay so I'm dropping off cars to all three dealerships and I become friends with Peter Pinto and one day he goes why are you what are you wasting your time over here for he invites me over he goes you should be selling cars I said okay I'll come over one day I'll take the day off he goes no no you're gonna come over for good I took the day off from the body shop just to see if I would like on the first day I sold three cars I made a thousand bucks dog I had to work four weeks to make 800 my first day of selling cars I made a thousand bucks and he gave me a hundred dollar a spiff you know cash in the hand that means I get a half gram of coke I could fill up my car I like still have 10 bucks for a fucking egg sandwich and a

soda for breakfast you understand me that's how you did the math in those days it all started with a hundred dollar bill okay a hundred dollar bill got you where you got to go if you didn't need gas you threw the 20 and used it for beer how did you sell three cars in the first day I have no fucking idea just just out of uh just talking to people blah blah blah blah so I start selling cars I start snorting coke over there I fucking I leave I go to the Chrysler store I go back to the Subaru store I get arrested at the Subaru store all right I do time Mike Uncle Mike moves to Boulder while I'm doing fucking time I get out they put me in the halfway house but I met Mike on the second tour of the halfway house because I was out already for a while

then they put me back in because I had a drug test so they put me back in and now I had to be on I couldn't I was they threatened me they said listen any violation you're gonna go right back to prison so in those days I didn't even drive see before that I would drive I would hide my car by the Nissan dealer and I would walk two blocks to the halfway house that's how you scan them you park the car like three blocks away deep in the bushes off and off street but nobody expected it and then you fucking go over there and get in your car Mike Kessler's going deep on the Red Star is a debt why do you hate following rules like it because I didn't want to walk around I'm gonna fucking pedestrian I gotta take a bus and shit like that I got a car why am I gonna fucking walk

around I got a car they didn't let you but the second time they put me in I walked everywhere I was like fucking Jesus I walked up and down that fucking 28th Street there was the Nissan dealership then across the street if you walked up a little bit there was a uh liquor store yeah and there was a place where I paid for a mailbox oh and then if you kept walking up more then you hit the car wash and if you kept walking up more you hit the DZ on the buildings where I lived that back there so the second time around I was going to college and that's when I met Robert who was an English British Jew and he used to tutor me in something he used to either tutor me in economics or something and he sold cars with Mike me and Uncle Mike hit it off and then he took me to his house that night

by Chautauqua and your daughter was young and that's when we first became friends that was way before comedy Mike was even on the horizon oh I had just had a child yeah we were like just a couple of model parents yeah no nobody was a model parent nowadays not you right no I was lucky the reason why I was lucky but we became friends because of a guy named Rob Dando right who I had worked with was a straight guy right who was a straight guy whatever but Lee at that time he was the guy I told you I used to steal his lucky pen I'm sorry his lucky pen every day you'd hide it I'd hide it and one day I gave him back the whole roll of fucking pens so he left Chrysler and went to they opened up a new Toyota store all the way on the other side of Denver some football player in

fact it was John Elway and you didn't have to wear shirt and ties so Mike and this guy Rob Dando decided to go all the way down there to sell cars oh Jesus you forget about all this shit I'm dropping out that's why you're sitting there all half retarded because I'm hearing I'm giving you all this and you're sitting there going Jesus it's got a memory like a fucking art I don't forget none of that shit unbelievable wow strange times man that's how you knew Rob Dando and that's how you connected with me now we were all okay we all knew we did a package from time to time if you got a package that was a little oversized you call me if I got a package that was a little oversized I called you oh then I got divorced I went back to New York I came back and that's when

we connected heavy again but we I wanted to tell people the struggle you know when I sit here at night and I talk about comedy and what it this was the beginning of my comedy career guys I moved back to Colorado and I'm dead serious about comedy like this is it I'm not fucking around anymore and there's a contest and at that time the Denver comedy works wasn't giving me any love nobody was giving me love there was one club that was giving me love on the Sunday night it was called club mix and it was a black club and when I'm talking about a black club they were so black there wasn't even white chicks allowed in there like this place was black jack and the chicks were black and black but on Sunday night they did comedy and Cedric would come in uh any black comic you see

that's big today came in not like like I never met Steve Harvey but I'm that's why I met Cedric do you mean Bernie Mac? Bernie Mac would go there uh DL Hughes. DL Hughes would go there it was one of those it was one of those nights that it was a black promoter would bring in but before they brought up the stars and they weren't stars in those days to be honest they brought me and some other local black comics from fucking Denver. How are you a black comic? Listen to me dog there was only two white dudes who were allowed to perform there and it was me and this cat named Kevin Fitzgerald that was the veterinarian on animal planet for many years he was a Vietnam vet that was also a fucking killer that was also the stone security for all those years and two tours this guy was a

bad motherfucker they only liked me and him all the other white acts that would go there on a Sunday they'd boom it was like it was like 25 bucks in a drink ticket they paid like I used to be like in heaven because they'd pay me $20 bill to do fucking comedy so I had to make a tape I had to make a tape I didn't know nothing about nothing I didn't know nothing about no tape so I went to Mike and I go Mike I gotta fucking make a tape because my daughter works with cameras and shit why don't you uh let her tape you so on a Sunday night we drove to East Colfax which in those days was hookers and busted hotels and crack hoes and shit like this I mean really I can't I can't he's right there next to me and we parked in there and his fucking young

daughter went in there set up a camera amongst all these black people and she had to watch the camera with a gun and a bazooka tied to her like a terrorist if you touched her the camera would go off I mean she take the fucking set Lee it was the worst set you could ever imagine I was dancing in the beginning I mean it was God garbage but who gave a fuck that's what this whole thing is about like this isn't he was with me he drove me she had solid she had solid gold balls yeah this is 93 but then I'm working for a sports betting joint and Mike comes to me when then he goes my daughter's doing a movie and she wants you to play the bad guy and she goes in fact she wrote a kind of about you kidnapping a dude and putting him in a trunk of a car and this whole thing right

and this is this guy's this is fucking at this time I'm going to Mike's house a lot he's got a dog he's got two young daughters we're having a great time all the time me and Mike were doing bumps we're smoking dope we're going on missions in Boulder listen you know me and Mike are like me and lose when we were kids they could be a fucking a foot of snow and if we got an itch it's gonna get scratched that's just the way life is at that time you know he was my fucking yin and I was his yang nobody understood him like I did I still remember one day he called me up crying telling me like it was the devil I'm never gonna do cocaine again I'm giggling on the other side going Mike you're talking to me and you don't have to say this to me I was completely serious at

the time yeah right yeah that's fucking nuts so now we were fucking nuts that's it now I'm I'm divorced that was close to the end I'm bringing my daughter over to Mike's house my baby daughter at the time Jacqueline the older one she would play with the dog remember the dog loved her and your mother and your wife and the whole fucking thing yeah this is how deep we go back guys but then we do this movie I agree to do this movie up in this fucking town this is a good thing this is a good thing and I agree to do this movie we do this movie I get that 12 o'clock and for fucking lunch I didn't know nothing about movies those days you tell me 12 o'clock I'm ready to go at 12 o'clock I gotta get out of here I didn't know nothing that you waited around all day do you know what time

I shot guys at four in the fucking morning they woke me up to shoot my scene so I got there at 12 o'clock Sunday for lunch and it was an all-day thing but something happened on the way to the fucking park that Mike's I remember so Mike's wife has this friend oh geez here it is I'm done man I'm fucking done I ain't done go ahead it's all good it's it's fucking oh man they'll be held to pay but but no funny thing is but here's the thing is that this movie comes out and it's like good it's a good movie you know somebody still has it somebody said they found the tape in their house with my stand up on it it wins the prize it was like somebody named Goldberg or something

it was we won down a fucking blue ribbon academy award shit but but on top of all this uh you know I'm tired Lee we've been there all fucking day and I think I say something my goodness yeah it was 24 hours I go my god I gotta fucking lay down oh geez here it comes you gotta get down oh geez does he torture you with this no he don't know he forgot all about it no I was thinking about what you know it's the women that I love that that torture they hate they hate me every day you know I'd be I'd be I'd become like the devil you know so I go ahead it's like they go what you know what why do you why could you hang out with him I go in this Toyota long back trip with a fucking with a shell on it right I don't know nothing

there's a pillow in there I lay down right I'm minding my own business and all of a sudden the truck opens up and this chick's like hi what are you doing in there I'm like I'm taking a nap she goes this truck belongs to me or whatever and she goes I'm kind of tired they're all this kind of warm and cozy in there I had like a blanket something I'm in there laying down one minute we're laying down the next minute we're swapping what are you talking about it looks warm and cozy in there that never happens to anybody she starts laying next to me oh oh it's we start swapping spit I start fingering whatever the fuck happens and I don't know what happens I start eating a monkey then we just went for it fuck it we took a chance Columbus did well his daughter was shooting like

a student film no this is this is 20 this is there's this really small town outside of Boulder right it's like the lions oh my god it's like lions color right this is terrible and is this like diner in town you know it's like and I mean the diner is real right well we get to people in the diner to let the kids shoot a film there right okay this is CU film school shit so uh my daughter gets this idea from this story that uncle Joey told her a long time ago because that's what it was we don't look at him as a criminal he just had to be a very creative guy this is how we got through life so anyway that's it but anyway so this whole town for 24 hours we should just fuck him well anyway listen he's I don't know what the fuck he's talking about

she sits next to me we start swapping spit I start fangin out we getting hot and nasty she's really cute she's just way older than me but she was dynamite man she had a great fucking body but her little monkey was pissed oh my god and I gave her a stab and I gave her a stab and Christopher Columbus no condom no nothing that was tremendous no condom is Christopher Columbus style yeah and I gave her like three days later they hate me at my time they said I gave her a chlamydia you should like the who is it and I banged her in the muffler and all this shit I banged her in the muffler it's uh it's never been the same it's never been the same they hate me though is it hate me can you tell us who it was I don't know her name this is the 20 fucking

did you like disappear into the mist after no this was this is well if you gave somebody chlamydia wouldn't you disappear into the mist I went fucking what's her name no man this had to be this had to be January or February of 95 okay and by this time I was doing comedy I was trying to do comedy I think Mike would drive me from time to time but at this time Mike also knew Mike knew when I had the rocky apartment the one across the street from the YMCA downstairs you remember that apartment at all fuck no look at you I don't know that star of death is killing me I'm you know it's it's almost there I think it's the base but I was doing comedy I had a bench with uh yes in the

basement with the bench and I had the fucking tub whatever the stand-up metal thing I don't know why I remember but I was always at your house you used to make veal scallopini and fucking spaghetti and all that shit into cooking and then you got a car and at the same time I got thrown out of the comedy works and you gave me the fucking car for 600 bucks but uh like you were in bolder that whole time when I was really angry about yeah that's my issue sir I was it was really bad for Wally yeah that's some tough stuff like he saw it all he saw the whole thing he saw me pack up my car he saw me fucking head to the hills and do comedy and then we both reconnected so we both left I left Boulder in 95 okay and I went to Seattle I stayed up there for a while and then I went on

the road and hooked up with your daughter in Boston she had a boyfriend and they lived in Boston the young young daughter oh the stock broke again there's no Laguna beach or something now yeah so then we fucking went you called me one day and you said guess what I'm coming to Los Angeles for something and we went to a Christmas party on sunset me you my ex manager Jeff Gatlin his wife and we went dancing at a bar and you said you were coming back and you actually came back like a year later maybe I don't know but you came back and again now at this time I'm a regular at the comedy store you know I wasn't doing movies yet but it was starting to click for me you know you drove me to the apartment you were there met my wife I mean you were my best man you know nine years

later but yeah it was about that time you know also you were like uh you were allowed to park your car at the store yes I was real impressed yeah yeah we had to park the car at the store but also uh I mean there's like 50 guys that can't park their car at the store right now we're parking everything we're parking away in the back and drinking for free but it's funny that that time I was also in hell with the addiction thing you know but I was still moving along that's what I tell these people all the time that the coke problem I had was at night at night late night when it was time to fucking work you know I was telling Lee when you got here that you drove me to the spider man tour audition on the Sony lot on the hottest fucking day of the year I had to wear a black

velour sweatshirt and walk from the parking lot to the spider man's room and he sat in the car and waited for me he knew all these guys he knew Gabriel Felipe uh fly Jeff Garcia George Perez they used to call him the wolf silent bob silent bob from fiction like that though yeah they called we were out every fucking night doing something I never knew that that's where it came from until about two years ago all those guys he's just go take a wolf I go the wolf they used to call him the wolf and I swear he was out with me three four nights a week till fucking 11 30 at night I was just hanging out I was being like a teenager you know I was like an idiot you know no yeah it was great it was great talking to you it was you were here with me now now I had backup now I had

family out here you were and then what did we do we did something were you around for the longest yard yes or no yeah 2004 when I was shooting down there no yeah yeah it goes here spider man too all that stuff yeah by the way I saw that movie the night it was on and I was petting one of the cats and I said you know I really don't want to move let me watch this for a second Jesus Christ it was the slowest 30 seconds of my life I thought I was in a diet of salt pain until Doc Ock takes that girl at a restaurant by the throat that movie slowing and fucking molasses then it picks up that's not bad that's one of the movies that like and and you're funny and but like those that that era of spider-man movies everyone loved and I didn't get it the only one

I liked was the last one where they would be turned black and it was kind of dark but then everyone else hated that one but it was kind of weird like I don't know I don't know I thought he was a great Peter Parker there's one scene where he's looking he's sitting there and he's going through changes like Lisa at two nights a week and he fucking uh he uh he uh what do you call that I was looking I'm thinking transform and I looked at him yeah yeah yeah and he really in my mind I go yeah if I had to think about what Peter Parker looked like it would be yeah he was like he really does he really does so I don't know you know Mike uh stars of death yeah I think I told you the stars of death it's really weird because Mike saw me at my worst but then he walked me down the fucking

out to marry my wife so it's just uh when you called me you said you were coming to town I said what the fuck he got me a job in an accurate place one time I sold three cars and the one day the guy got loud with me or something and I don't know what happened I told him I was gonna throw him through a plate glass window or something I was fucking crazy just out of prison fucking nuts and I don't know what the guy said to Mike you pulled Mike aside the fucking crazy shit he said hurry Joey's got the manager up by the throat I don't know why I thought it was funny but I was laughing myself he is not actually you'd have heard him already but by now but uh uh I remember coming over here and then kind of asking you like Joey Joey this is like not a good idea

put him down would you you know it was hysterical it was like I go visit Micah I came in I came in and I got that and I got the monster off him all I had to do was ask I'm serious you didn't hurt the guys I go visit Mike when they had his job and I started thoroughly entertained and Mike's talking about something Lee and at that time it's uh the guy had been disrespectful by the way nice guy it was about Ben he then he was a psychotic you know this is I live in Mike oh my god I was crazy I was out of my fucking mind I go to visit Mike he's he's working in the car story he grabs the manager he goes to trim here he is crazy yeah that's that's psychotic that's not like that's not like a little crazy and I'm and I'm sitting I'm going like I'm hanging

out with this guy what the fuck am I doing but it was entertaining you know can the rest of my life you know you know I was at that point that a lot of people listen and get to it's at that point where you figured out what you want to do with your life I'm still working on but you but you have to have a job to pay your bills and you're only doing this fucking job to pay your fucking bills that was the point in my life I was at like all I want to do is be a fucking comedian when is this going to fucking happen for me like that was what I was going through at that time and I'm trying to work and these people are breaking my balls and all I want to do that's all I want to fucking do Lee and I couldn't figure out how to fucking do it that's one of the most inner worst that you

could feel when you know what you want to do but you can't quite figure out exactly what needs to be done you know and now I gotta fucking get up in the morning and sell fucking cars for a living am I fucking retarded you know what I'm not doing and that's that was that those jobs like that I would last a month Adam until one day I said I'm just gonna do comedy and steal along the way whatever's not nailed down whatever however I can make money I'm gonna fucking do it you know one of the times I rob one of the dealerships might I don't think I have no idea what you're talking about I played the fifth and they blamed on somebody else I don't know

I'm serious Scott is my witness there's no one on the side Mike absolutely no knowledge he really didn't have any knowledge you know we were talking like two days later and they said somebody robbed your dealership I think it was like 80 dollars or something no it wasn't no it wasn't like three bills it's like 300 yeah yeah talking those days my rent was 400 yeah why do they have cash in a cart dealership in particular who's coming and buying a car with cash they make salesmen they make salesmen jump and they go hey if you can like tell me to like the next hour I'll give you 200 bucks oh yeah but then that is okay

you know it's it's a job that you do when you can't do anything else you know you can't punch a clock you can't and it's really about you know can I communicate with people without screwing them over and stuff you know it's just yeah it's a nice car put you in it you buy it now you make a little money if I do a lot of them we make some money I started making good money but you know we play straight like fucking hilariously you know this is why I get happy when I tap into my this part of my life from somebody in the room it sucks but it makes me laugh because in those nights if I would do comedy how I would reward myself I would go to Rouse the supermarket on 30th on a rapper hole I pull in there by myself at about 11 30 quarter to 12 and I'd buy a package of saltines a little

piece of Adam cheese a little container freshly squeezed orange juice and I'd go to the accurate dealership and I'd get out of my car and I'd look at the cars and I eat the cheese and eat the crackers at night and think to myself one day I'll be able to buy one of these fucking cars from making comedy you know this is real shit then I had an Acura I was planning to fucking rob Mike's dealership and take one of the cars and take it to my house and take the rims off it and put it on my Acura and put the old rims on the other Acura and take it back to the dealership you leave this is this is this was a complete different person when I sit here in front of you I sit here and we giggle about this stupidity but this is where my head was at I had a brand new Acura me and Mike went

to the fucking Denver Nugget game and I hit black ice and the rim hit the fucking thing and I had to get in the whole new rim I had alloy wheels on this fucking Acura each rim was $2,000 with I had $2 in my fucking account I don't anything about it yes you do don't fucking lie but then you also the driver before you became the head driver here in LA we used to go out every night you also the driver in Boulder for a few comedy shows I forget what way you drove me one time when you drove me to black club club mix but then you drove with someone that was named for club mix yes but then you drove me somewhere else I was talking to my kid about it yeah I said well how old are you 12 she says no no I was she was in film school

right I think right who was she was when I met you guys no and this thing we were this isn't that the thing that she uh shot what shot you know she films well all right yes she was the film school at that time okay yeah but I had met her before that because I had met you and I was friends with you and I was friends with your youngest daughter but I would go to a restaurant named Ledizia every day he was another guy I met in a halfway house I owned the restaurant great his wife fucking great food now they own the Mediterranean they're a peace owner of the Mediterranean and in Boulder but he's the head fucking menu dude Lee forget about that his a Robbie Adderley he puts pancetta in it that little fucking like real bacon Italian bacon

with the fat more fat and little fat all put on one piece you know that does the sauce and he fucking puts chuncus pepper you have no fucking idea my friend he is one of the best his pizza I eat all the time if I'm in Boulder I haven't had his pizza in 20 fucking years when am I talking he's still there he's still there he sold the restaurant but he still does the fucking pizzas on salaries and Sundays at the farm his market or whatever he'd be worth it man if he shows up himself with the oven and that's where he still does his hands on he's got some great stories I'm you know fucking bad bad bad state of mind of mind it's it's maybe April of 1995 I'm broke I'm at war with my ex-wife I really want to do fucking comedy and I got a call from Mike

that he's coming over to pick me up because he's working for a guy named Jack smooth and he needs to pick up a car the guy was a wholesaler when you wholesale cars at this time Mike was not in a lot anymore he had become a wholesaler when you go to a a fucking row what do you call those things on Tuesday and buy cars off the line an auction then you take them to dealerships so I'm in the car with Mike what a freak show I was I had gotten fired from my Tuesday night hosting job at the broker why because things happened exactly what you're fucking the technology you know so I threatened someone so no I got into an argument with the manager there the manager it just out it was my time to leave and you know what I'm saying it was an argument

that didn't nothing really bad happened we just argued and then they said you know what we're gonna get another host and by that time I had already done my time then my uh Lee I had gotten what I could get in that room I had already had 15 minutes of comedy I hadn't met 300 comics I had done it was a year and a half I had done every fucking Tuesday night you know but I'm with Mike it's about 11 o'clock at night I got a pager at the time good and I got a fucking page from 206 which is Washington and I fucking we run back to Mike's house with a calling card and we fucking call this number and it's a guy by the name of David Tribble he goes Joe Diaz David Tribble he goes uh I hear good things about you are you ready to go on the

road I was with Mike the first time I got a road job off it oh shit that's awesome and the guy offered me five weeks of work right off the bat like right off the fucking bat like and I'm like absolutely I mean I go when do they start he's like tomorrow night and Mike had to do something we had to get a car we had to either rent it we stole it from a lot we borrowed it from a lot an owner or something wasn't we loaded that motherfucker up with sandwiches and anything else we could find when I went on the road for five fucking weeks I came back on the weekends and we switched cars or something happened I can't believe I did that that wasn't me no somebody had gone with me um definitely you know I remember what it was I mean somebody's

girlfriend had gone on vacation it was her car there we go good story something crazy like that but all those times lead that when I was struggling in the beginning of college like that was that was real man and then he moved that way and like I said we were always out on Mondays Mondays he would drive me up to Universal Center Baptist Mondays Mondays he would drive me up to Universal City to Ernie G's room do you remember Ernie G's room the room we used to get Cuban food up there there used to be a Versailles up there Lee oh shit Versailles a big cube yeah the big guy we used to go up there on there on Mondays and we go to the commie storm lurk yeah I should whose day is we go to Casa Latina with Fly and uh Jeff Garcia I picked up my first 40 there and then we go

to somebody else had a room on Tuesdays and I picked up 60 there Felipe and now we had 120 had to go into the gas tank because Mike had to go somewhere the next morning so we had 80 to work with now we got to go to work now we got to go to the storm we got to work somebody for a small 40 or 50 we got to show up with a story you know I can't go home with a half a gram this too much work we got to go home with something old school Lee old school we go out with zero and come whatever we come home with we split right down in middle uncle Mike I have a question was was Joey always making up songs because he always does that I'm never I don't know anyone else who does it he just it's not like it's not like he sings he makes up songs he makes up everything he's

fucking song Lee what kind of question is that I don't even know he's talking about what kind of songs do I make eat like I don't know the songs you when you call me to taunt me I can't sing them now but does he have it when you when you when you pick up my notes like this thing no you wake up he'll wake you up and he'll go uh hey you think you think about looking my balls right and you know uh and and then like you'll take looking a song on the radio but sing your own lyrics to it because he tells you go wash your pussy and and you know come on down you know he would say that back then oh yeah it's hysterical uh I don't know what can I tell you just a long time in it entertaining it's been a long fucking journey man and that's what I was thinking about all day

today I wrote a little bit in the book I wrote two different chapters and just thinking about all these little things I made notes because it exercised my mind it made room it made her remember how hard 1994 and 1995 was in more ways than when my house was great but my fucking I was getting beat up by my ex-wife you know if you've ever started anything I was starting comedy one of the hardest things to start and I was getting beat up there but guess what at that time I was out I was out every night at least I had that see for the first three years of comedy 91 92 and 93 I just jerked around I was just telling people I was doing comedy I was getting on stage twice a month if I was lucky all right I was like

one night I'd get fired up and go and I would commit to it I'd drive 30 miles and eat dinner out there and I'd go on stage and bomb and then I wouldn't go on stage for a month but then I went to New York and I realized and then when I went back to Colorado I was out every fucking night I used to do comedy after a line dancing thing what you do open mics open mics $20 paid gigs it didn't fucking matter it just didn't matter man I was paying 400 a month rent the car I had could break down at any fucking minute that's what happened when I went on the road and he hooked me up with that car that was the fucking car I took to Seattle and I went and did my thing so if it wasn't for Mike

maybe I wouldn't be doing comedy right now you know I'm saying Mike was a good fucking dude that that's really cool that's a I have no idea what he's talking about at least Mike understood at that time what I was trying to do Mike had tried Mike had tried to be a musician when he was younger you know he had a family he had to do different things that came first so I think that he do you remember when I showed up at your house and spent the night with that girl because fucking we were on the road together and I'll spend the money yeah and I spent the night in one room and the other and that night your wife was cool for some reason she had forgiven me for a week or so yeah she was there's a girl called and said let me live with one of my wife was always

cool she never she never embarrassed anybody no she was cool no but she let you but she let you know she don't like it yeah yeah it was a bad thing no no she's a lady she's like uh she's still cool she's my best friend I never got I went to Michael and I go Michael what are those people doing in the corner over there where are they some blow over there and he goes no those those those black dudes so cracked and I'm like that I'm so fucking cracked about three months later I'm driving home from the county store I got no cocaine and who's on the corner by man's Chinese Stephen down on the block on those corners right there those four corners where these three black dudes are

right I look over at the dude he looks over at me he knows what time it is he comes over to the car he asked me what I'm looking for not crack I make believe I'm retarded yes I do these saying I said what can I get for a 20 he throws me a chunk of fucking something I take it homely now in my heart I know it's crack but in my demented fucking cocaine head I wanted to be regular coke so I didn't used to buy coke I go because I couldn't get that everybody was locked up around town or somebody had been shot I don't fucking know Lee I just couldn't get none nobody had it that night there's some nights you fucking blank nobody's got there's nothing you could do that's why you should not do the whole package so I bought the

fucking crack I took it home I tried to snort it and it didn't melt right and I just went to bed I jerked off and went to bed and the next day Mike picked me up and I told Mike I bought a baroque on the corner he goes you fucking moron that's not coke that's crack you gotta get a crack pipe and smoke it and I just went and got a coke can and from about six weeks eight weeks I smoked crack and shit and I used to tell Mike Mike I smoked crack I have no idea what he's talking you know what I'm fucking talking about what make believe talk oh my god no idea what he's talking you forgot all about that corn over there on orange and I have no idea what you're talking about this is why when you do 1200 milligrams you're like who you what do you mean you

smoking crack just randomly just for the I did it for about eight weeks you smoke a crack the way like people like sign up for social media accounts just to see how it is you're like oh this had to be 2000 you just try and I used to go to El Paso a lot in those days I used to go to El Paso every eight weeks trial period go headline headline be trial it was like a trial for me the crack it really was oh my god it's like I hooked on crack for like three months right how could you possibly do how could you possibly do comedy I'm no because this is what I do nobody knew just you nobody don't say you don't have knowledge cocksuck I'll stab you in the heart with this pencil I have no nobody fucking knew I was smoking crack at that time my first choice was cocaine so I would buy like a

little bit of coke and then go fuck it I might as well buy a little piece of crack I would have I would have sold at the house which meant I had a crack pipe because I would drink the soda and empty it and then make little holes and let smoke the crack I blow towards the fucking can and I get high on the crack so oh my god oh yeah I was bleep what I'm telling you Lee we're lucky to be here sitting here so I go to El Paso to do comedy for a week and when I get to El Paso I don't want to get cracked so I had to go back to snorting coke so for six nights oh my god that saved your life so for a good it did cook saved my life so for six nights I snorted coke so for six nights I snorted coke and guess what baboon I got off the crack ooh okay it's a wonderful thing

this is fucking crazy this guys this is really crazy it's madness and I can't I was making notes of this shit today I can't imagine living my life like that it would it seems like it would be hell yeah exactly I was already in hell I was a fucking 30 something year old trying to do comedy in LA who had nothing very funny I shared a fucking apartment I paid 350 a month and I could barely come up with that you know I wasn't I wasn't healthy I didn't know what direction to go I was getting on stage every night I was fucking hustling he's my witness right there he knows I was out every fucking night when I was here in the beginning there wasn't a night I didn't know what it was to fucking stay home yeah on the way home I'd make a stop and see it's so crazily he spent

till we spent 20 bucks worth it 20 bucks in gas to go and get paid 20 bucks yeah it was fucking crazy I'm like I'm going this guy's nuts man I would do this every night but at the end of the night it would add up you know I think I don't know right or wrong it was like uh I'm just having this bike Harry is kind of rushed right we just we're just playing this guy I'm in this fucking movie and and I'm watching this guy evolve you know uh I mean it it it was way different you know like anything else in the beginning it was oh there was something else you know it was a different act you know you remember I mean you know you started you was trapped but it didn't matter you just kept going you just you just kept going and every time hey this works this doesn't work you know it was

like the comedy fueled the coke but the coke kind of fueled the comedy like I went out to do comedy because I knew at the end of the night I was gonna do coke let's be honest I'm not gonna lie to nobody but for me to reward myself with the coke I would have to do two or three spots that was my way of reward that was the world I was living in way you know but I was still growing as a comic it's crazy how weird our brains are that you could convince yourself that was what I was doing to myself that's the fucking god honest truth so if I had don't remember all it took was a 20 for me to get electrocuted if if it was good I would get high with the $20 jerk off and go to bed if it was shitty it would make me go for another 20 and somebody else you know what I'm saying I don't

know nothing about jerking off this is where the addiction was and I was never a witness to that no nobody said I whacked off for fun oh no I thought they were nice they were nice oh no I'm I'm gonna say hey no no did things happen in your garage I remember you you called me with some strange shit what garage underneath where was it uh you know next to the lesbian uh place you lived if he is with the 20 cats uh right there in Hollywood uh oh yeah no I had no drama there no I was there for nine fucking no no no no no no that I was getting evil there yeah I was getting high there but I wasn't uh what do you call that shit fucking there was no drama you never took you never didn't I don't know okay it could be an out-of-body experience say it say

take a uh uh he had to take a crap and no you just oh you just did it right there you know beside the car you know oh no one time in the backyard I was yeah but the car didn't come I was hysterical oh my god wouldn't that have taken crap I stopped the car Lee I got in front of it in my garage I shit I wiped my butt I threw it over the poop and I drove over it not with the tire right over it you couldn't even see it I thought that was hysterical in his driveway or something in my driveway yeah okay so you just he just you just told Mike about it yeah okay yeah after that that's oh god he's crazy that was a crazy time Lee you wouldn't have been talking to me at this point you don't think so no no hold on to 2000 to 2006 I went fucking somewhere and it was getting

worse and worse and worse do you think it would be talking to me though like do you think you'd be looking for that kind of help or no no you let me go I'd be like your other clients I wouldn't call you back with a credit card I wouldn't call you back with the money I would be an hour late there was always a story you know oh I'll give you that money next week Lee give me a hundred till next Tuesday so it was just one of those fucking things guys you know but I'm happy to see you're still healthy I'm happy to see your kids are healthy I'm happy to see that everything's still working I'm happy to like these people know that we proved them wrong whether you're gonna say you don't agree with none of this shit or whatever that's fine guys like you

and me what was you know we pull out to do a lot to do things to be done and uh it's been uh it's been a wild ride Joey dance what are you doing now for work I uh I saw a real estate it's like cars without wheels and do you like it I'm having a ball how long have you been doing it for about three years you don't give up either no you could have been up there and got over time and from your little vietnam check right yeah and you said fuck it you still work how old do you got bless you 70 70 years old yeah look at you you inspire me you fuck let's stop tapping on the goddamn table Mike that shit comes up on the microphone don't you hear it you fuck no Lee he was the worst driver than you were because he told me fat Tony stories and look at me and drive on

sunset I almost died 82 fucking times Lee it was a fucking nightmare I told him one story about fat Frankie and forever because I don't Jesus not another Frankie story it was a fat Frankie story constantly not another he would drive me fucking nuts or a fat Frankie story Lee it would drive me fucking bananas you have no idea but I wouldn't make them cut people off he used to go with what do you make you make you make you be big people uncle Mike what do you make you go vote for me or like be people or zoom around people I have no memory you know we used to wait for the mailman to come to the thing before we can make a move yeah yeah yeah we had the Filipino mailman we would wait for him at attention I would make him pick me up every day at 10 to 12 miles every

painful that was a painful period of my life no I'm serious oh god because I yeah I should at that point in my life I should have been struck by like I mean they're right if there really was a god that would have happened that's how evil I was here's how wet Lee he'd get a call from me at 10 30 I'm coming I'm coming obviously it's the past long past Lee come get me I don't know anything about it he come get me by 10 to 12 he come get me and then from there we shoot right the gardener and we wait for the Filipino mailman and whatever we decided would be upon the Filipino mailman Mike what do you got I got 20 Mike what do you got I got 27 okay I got fucking 22 I mean we got options wow we got a starting point here we got something to work with you

you know I'm saying if the checks don't come today then we got something to work you got anything coming in today no okay so all our whole day would be based on the Filipino mailman you put the lottery every day every day once we saw that truck we knew something was coming no I'm not gonna lie to you I knew most days nothing was coming but in my demented cocaine world something was always coming and guess what Lee I got surprised once a week with like what level of check it was a divine intervention in those days the level of check that I needed was 63 dollars because I could take that right to Whitley they'd give me 58 dollars after taking money out and I'd go on my way with the check and you see now it's coming

back to you cuckucker because that's how though they work Lee so we pull over right under a tree on Gardner right in front of fucking that building and as soon as the mailman would come along he'd say I have check for you today and I get out of that fucking car like wait till he put the check in the box he couldn't hand me the check as it's a you can't do that you have to put it in the fucking box and he closed the box before he closed the box I already had the key in that motherfucker and I go stand don't don't close it yet and I would just open the thing and the checks would fall out I put the rest of the mail in and I take the checks out let's go we gotta go and Mike let's go to the check cash in place and we go from Gardner to Whitley

on Hollywood Boulevard in 3.2 minutes flat on the way to the fucking check cash in place I don't really have Johnny Yeyo on the fucking phone asking him where he was at and how we could put the nids move together early because the quicker we could put the move together that's it you don't have to think about the rest of the day the rest of the day was fucking a piece of cake once you had what it took to put the date thing now if I woke up and I had 200 in my pocket I would call Mike to go get Chinese lunch those are good days that's a good day because I know I got a 60 for a G bowl of ruin if Mike needs a 60 I got it that's how it worked in those days we believe in that if there was a check we'd cut half of Hollywood off and go to the

check cash in place of Whitley cash that check and from there we'd make a move he'd disappear he dropped me off and he picked me back up at 815 and we'd make the move and seal it or we'd figure something out he'd say I have no idea why I thought that would be fun but that's what that's what it was yes it was some reason it was right you know I'm saying that was a different fucking time man yeah some reason I don't remember it being anything other fun but oh but I'm sure I could have spent my time better than that you know but you tried you were you were making money you were supporting the family you were feeding the fucking mouths you know you were still having a good time with me because it was in your fucking blood you're a new york city guy what are you gonna do dawg um

we can't be ashamed of what your past is at any point in time I mean no no we're not even going into fucking specifics here god's a bit we go into fucking specific yeah god forbid but no no it's just that there's a time where you feel you're in control and there's times you feel you're not in control that's all I'm still not in control 53 years old who gives a fuck the more you're less in control the better you know what I'm saying when I've had it when I've been in control is when I haven't been in control right do you know what I'm saying does that sound right no no no what I mean by being in control you're not in anyone's bidding at any point you know you got to do what you got to do but you know nobody's you know nobody's got a leash around you and

you know you're not punching a clock you know you're an entrepreneur you know I always thought that I had this money coming to me after my mother died I thought that my dad would call me up one day and I thought he would give me like a half a million dollars but I'd take fucking five thousand do you know what I'm saying that's what I'm saying like do you could you have gotten a bank account but you just wanted to check immediately like you like you just do that all the time take that take that take my time in my world either because what was the necessity for checking a life that was that was not what I wanted that wasn't so wait a second what you're telling me is I gotta take my check go to your fucking bank deposit I gotta wait a day even if the check

is caught I gotta wait till three o'clock to get my money on the next day I got no money I'm living fucking hand to mouth I'd rather pay the 219 and get my cash right there than have to fuck around when you're in that world Lee I've never been in that world that's the world that you decide to choose on you know and I would have 19 different paychecks coming in that's crazy in those days I would have the comedy store check the improv check the laugh factory check they could amount to a total of 95 dollars but to me that was 22 million fucking dollars okay then you had your checks from selling cigars on the phone and then you had your checks and maybe doing a short film or maybe doing you know something for whatever the fuck it

was do you follow I'm saying to you the more months I lived here the more all those checks increased you also had money coming in every night from the cash gigs in those in those in those in those days in my world and and in those days in my world it was uh every night that I went out Lee was cash not in Colorado but here getting paying cash I got to a point in Los Angeles where for years you heard comics coming there's no reason living away you don't make no money in the night let me tell you something I don't have those notebooks no more but years later I looked at those notebooks and you have no idea what I was making in those rooms Lee well that's a point it's not that you you can't make money if you're only doing the comedy store laugh at when I got right when I got

here in 98 it took me about two years to get settled but from 2000 to 2004 I had gigs every week from $40 to $250 those $250 damn damn it feels good to be a gangster 250 was like driving to San Diego on a Saturday night or something now are there other comedians who make a living just still doing that circuit listen man you could I guess yes you can are you yes you can are you whose phone is this can you turn this shit off please yes you can can make a living it just uh I'm the uh okay whole power off there you go there you go you can make a living Lee but

you can't drive a Maserati at that level at that level at that level in LA is it yeah at that level okay Lee your buddy there Tommy Easter his level in LA right now an apartment not fucking Beverly Hills in the valley okay a day job and at night his goal is 200 weekend gigs guess what Lee it's out there I know people do it you know how you get out there you have to go to other gigs in Silver Lake and all those other gigs and then those people will tell you by the Tuesday night where a guy pays 85 bucks for 20 minutes up here and fucking off off the 170 up there whatever that is up there La Clarita La Clarita up there I don't know these but that's how you get those rooms they'll start asking you about rooms

in Santa Barbara those rooms are 150 on a fucking Thursday night if you put together a 250 on saturday and a 150 that's 400 god forbid you go out on fucking Wednesday and Tuesday and pick up 100 and 100 you understand what I'm trying to say to you there's a living but the more you go out and talk to people and meet people people will approach and go hey man what are you doing next saturday the 23rd I got this gig at this fire department that we do once a month it pays 75 dollars do you want to do it and next thing you know you're like can I do the gig by nine because I got another gig right next to the city next to it that pays $200 so everything always works itself out while you're hustling if you believe yourself like that's the level I was at in LA

I can't lie and at that point Lee I look you're straight and then I tell you I was struggling I was probably making 1600 a month cash on the road uh in LA I was probably picking up another 700 on the road in those days as a feature act all right and I was probably picking up anywhere from a thousand to two thousand in tv and film every month and I could look you straight in the fucking eye right now and tell you I was walking around fucking broken those days I can barely make rent for 350 and help my wife with the fucking year and groceries yeah walking around broke bummy clothes the whole fucking deal how much of it do you think went to cocaine what are you fucking doing 45 40 80 percent wow because my wife only saw the checks she didn't see the cash

if I did bring home cash I split with what I got with it it's tough when you get painted in cash to know how much you're making you follow me yes so nobody really knew what I was making in those days so it was fucking wild when I think back of that hustle you know yeah and I was making and I was going Lee I was making it work I'm trying to remember I sit here amazed thinking how I was making it work as a comedian in two weeks I'll be here 20 fucking years for the last three months I have been thinking about this once a day that I could fucking tell everybody here I thought I would last three years in the city I thought I would last three years go back to Boulder murder my wife go to jail for the rest of my life and that was how this fucking story was gonna end

this is the tragic story I would know the fucking sack of shit that got taken by drugs if I would have made it five years in this town I thought I'd be lucky when I first got off that fucking RV and the back of my head I was like listen if I make it here three years and get apart as an extra I'll be fucking thankful to God at least I could tell people I was an ally that's how I looked at it oh wow it's a weird town LA as soon as you get here it just feels competitive I don't know at least it does for me so it's weird 20 20 years is amazing it's I just hit six and it's uh I'm already I'm already like looking like in the future I don't know how long I could stay here it's a uh it's a different it's a different kind of lifestyle really your life

wasn't planned for you I do you fucking think I thought I'd be here for 20 years no have you lost your goddamn mind yeah I thought I would last three years tops once I got into the store I was like I hear they only give you spots for a year at the store so I got like a year to really put the pieces together I was sure I wanted to go to New York I I hated it out here when I am turned out here well you know what I didn't have a choice to hate it or not to hate it when I came here do you know I gotta be honest let me give you some shout outs keep me posted I want to thank Bob LaLingus and his family for sending me and myself and the baby and Elmo and a beautiful baseball and uh and they uh a bad book a gorgeous book jimmy page the three lives of jimmy page

Bob LaLingus and his family a fucking church family thank you very much mad homer family Don Wrangler Emmanuel Cologne Mary Jane Scott ookey spooky Ali bars over there and fucking Australia having her from Grimace Mike Model B and my man Santa Romano I want to give you a little love there I don't know what's cracking up in your life and shit what you're doing but that's uh the real deal wasn't whether I had an option to stay here or fucking not like this was it for the next couple of years until something fucking happened I didn't know nothing was gonna fucking happen you consider going back to Denver to do it or New York listen the only thing that was gonna happen in Denver if I went back to Denver was

tempers were gonna escalate and something was gonna happen between me that poor woman and her husband that's all that I would have given it six months that's all I can't fucking think right now oh man can't answer questions right now yeah I could remember for five minutes the anger I had in my heart in those days that's why it's it's even to never mind that I'm still doing comedy just to think of getting that anger out of my heart that I had because there's no way you could progress in your life with any type of anger like that in your fucking life and I did it three or four times I thought I was so angry at somebody I was gonna fucking kill them but you know what man did you get out of it how did I get out of it and you can't have because

I remember there's a time when you know what heals all wounds yeah you know she was talking about I'm like oh no no it was terrible it obsessed me just the thought that she had done was worried about she told us till this day there's nights that I sit there and my body goes into like a fucking you know and I think to myself what the fuck am I doing here I should be over there trying to kill them ball you know what what's wrong with me what the fuck is wrong that's a what's wrong with me yeah I'm god what's wrong with me no no no it was a different uh it was a really looking at this story and I'm going wow no I would have been a guy if I would have gone back to bolder to play daddy I would have still been doing time right now this would have

not ended well at all and New York you know what I've been in New York New York I love New York it's where I grew up but New York spelled one thing for me and it's called easy access what does that mean that I can have a conversation with you at four in the morning at five in the morning we could be picking up a kilo on 181st and Amsterdam and on the way out the door I'm gonna go to his name and buy a machine gun that's what that meant I didn't need that in my life that sounds very appealing so thank you Jesus so how how did you have such a frank conversation with yourself did you have like do acid and think about it no at that time there was no fucking acid there was only there was only one drug in my life in those days late from 98 to 2007

there was basically two three drugs I did cocaine maybe a sleeping pill somebody had a viking and then for that one summer I did those couple of packages a heroin that's it there was no fucking confusion about nothing else Lee so I'm surprised I'm honestly surprised you wouldn't go to the easy access from New York that's my point I don't I don't understand if you understand what I mean by you know I I do understand there has to be a blockage in your life okay there has to be you know even AA they make you go they make you call somebody does that work nine out of ten times who the fuck knows I've never been there where you know what I want to get my dick sucked and do some cocaine hold on let me

call my sponsor Mel first at two in the morning listen Mel I gotta talk to you about some enough is enough I can't get a job my mother hates me listen I gotta check from the VA for 90 Roy from with the one arm over at fucking the bar he's got grams for 80 and they're taking my wife's got some old whiskey I'm going deep you understand me no don't do it read page 48 of some for you know the big the big book listen when I see you I'm gonna hit you with the big book 80 fucking times in the head I've never had nobody call me and say Joey listen I'm thinking to shoot myself stop me I don't have those type of friends you know nobody's ever called me and said listen I got a kilo I can't stop snorting you gotta help me nobody's ever called me with

those fucking calls that's all in the movies and shit call your sponsor go fuck yourself I got a blonde at the bar she says if I could get a fucking eight ball she'll suck my dick to the to the skin color looks like Michael Jackson dick she'll take the paint right off it and and I gotta call my sponsor to ask him you call your sponsor four in the morning listen I haven't been cleaning so before nine years let me tell you the situation Mel there's a girl at the bar says with an eight ball she'll do things to my nutsack tongues in my ass what do you think so we go for it one time I'll be at a meeting tomorrow tip top with goo and the guy'll say guy go for it it's been a long time you've been cleaning so but things happened Lee who the fuck knows you would if you had an AA

sponsor you would torment them I had an AA let me tell you something I had when I was in the halfway house I found an AA sponsor for a while that I found an AA sponsor and he talked me into I was trying to go to NA and he talked me into AA and we would meet once a week in Boulder and talk about what was going on I had to meet with my sponsor it was part of the Boulder halfway house then that was part of you had a he had assigned the pace of paper why would you go if you weren't alcoholic because the principles were the same okay addiction is addiction you know that's how he explained it to me he was a realist he was like uh he was you know what I talked to him for about a year even though I was doing below he was a real dynamite white dude dynamite white people from the

heart of this country like Omaha Nebraska sound this dude was tight he wasn't judgmental I learned a lot a lot of fucking little things from having like a little fucking sponsor and guess what happens I disconnect with him I bumped into him 18 months later he goes you look great you look great too I said listen I'll be honest with you I've been smoking dope and smoking coke he goes ah don't worry about it he goes I've been smoking dope like a motherfucker myself fuck all this nonsense that shit don't work I think he went off about something that was the end of that that's hysteric I'm sorry yeah you know no but I believe you know I believe I believe I believe I just don't think I could call else and I shit like that happens you know the time I listened for three or four years

it wasn't that I was doing I wanted to do coke it was the situation as I was getting myself into yeah yeah well what do you mean we're a suicide mission you know you're at the comedy store bro and there's a hot chick and she's visiting from fucking New Jersey and she's talking about she wants to party and you know she's a freak or whatever the fuck is going on I don't know league just different situations you people come to the store and they look every day kind of thing somebody comes to look to buy blow and you get them a gram and often they give you half of it you know they're having to everyone yeah sure it does happens to me all the time yeah jeez listen man when you're when you're hooked on drugs whatever drug it is it's like a metal

it's just like carrying a gun I've said it a thousand times when you put a gun on your waist it's like a metal for trouble when you do drugs you know yeah I gotta tell you something yeah yeah that's what 30 years of doing drugs let's pretend that did cocaine for 25 years you know in those 25 years how many times I got approached by people asking me if I want to do heroin maybe three times you know many times people came up to me and asked me if I want to do meth maybe three times you know many times people came up to me and asked me if I want to do blow oh about a million point fucking eight times why because you're a magnet for that shit in Hollywood I knew I knew two people who did heroin I knew these two lesbians well you can

ask josh wolf me and josh wolf were friends of them these two ladies were solid women both of them good-looking tattooed up they would lock themselves in that apartment eat monkey and fucking shoot heroin then they wouldn't take showers well they would take showers without soap because they wouldn't unclog their skin pores we discussed this shit before did you guys know each other when you were living in your car in LA who you two me and Mike yes sir I don't know if Mike was here when I was living in my car where were you living in LA when I was living in my car by Ralphie's house when I had the no I think I got it right after that yeah he got here shortly after that no yeah I had a place I think yeah that's the same place you had didn't it was the street

Sherman with a lesbian the center next to it yeah yeah with Terry yeah my wife who was my wife no yes that's when I was there but I wouldn't use that as my address I would use Gavin and Ralphie's apartment as my address I would use Gardner as my address right lived on straight yeah yeah but I would use Gardner that's why I chased a mailman on fucking Gardner all the time you remember chasing that fucking mailman huh please you saw a lot of things man even though you ain't the stars of death and you can't remember you saw a lot of fucking good stuff I deny everything remember we went to see that Spanish dude at the house of blues that was playing the conga drums yes actually yeah Patato Tico and he asked me if I get on my package

talking about seeing him like I didn't see them in fucking 20 years and the first thing he said to me can you get a fucking package oh god would it upset you it upset me no no it didn't upset me at all no you don't get one I like it you know I didn't get it from I went home fucking I told him I'd be back I just wanted to say hello to him to see what it was like I knew him as a child you know right and then he asked you for a coke I must have been disappointing yeah it wasn't disappointing it was uh it was what it was those were the times those were the people I knew at that time at that age it's a shame what's the matter Mike who was that Patato oh where's Tico Tico was dead at that point but Mike was a manager of the car

store or something and one of the salesman was a conga player so Mike talked to the kid about the congas and the kid told Mike to go see that guy that night that's how I found out about him I don't even think I was going to the store that at that time I wasn't going to the store I had already stopped going to the store we just parked and went to the house of blues and left the house of blues and I went home I think the show started at eight we stayed we stayed for maybe three songs uh you see something like that yeah I can't I can't be cooped up for much longer than that but there was like uh yeah there was some there's some really beautiful Cuban women I remember that's tremendous and then we you don't remember nothing first you're fucking first you're being

that dude and godfather too you don't know nothing and I remember Cuban women first for two hours you don't know nothing I was just dancing yeah I'm saying it was culture it was culture it was Cuban culture it was raw it was the real thing I'm happy you're still alive and kicking Jesus I'm happy you're still doing your thing I don't know how long evolution first you had that you used to have a trampoline in your backyard in Boulder it's the truth it's amazing nobody dies it's absolutely these motherfuckers these people think you know it's taken me a while to write the first three chapters of these intros but I gotta tell you something I sit there and I exercise my mind and I outline them like today I wrote like three paragraphs in like two minutes because I outlined

I know exactly what I had to write it's a lot easier I'm not writing a lot but I'm writing and in the words of fucking Shakespeare little commitments become big commitments you know what I'm saying and Shakespeare spoke like that me neither I'm just fucking saying if he didn't a man of Shakespeare's fucking stature would speak that way you following me cocksucker what you got planned this weekend I'm going to Tempe what the fuck are you doing this weekend what plans are you involved in this weekend is there a a dog hugging convention in our most of beach is there a coupon class for crepes surprise me you haven't blown my doors off in 2017 you mean to tell me you've been staying in eating fucking chicken and vegetables every night for the

last four weeks is that what you've been trying to tell me I haven't been staying in at all I haven't had I wouldn't let the first two weeks of the year without having a day off so I don't I don't have any plans for this weekend yet I kind of have adopted your style of just doing that day so I honestly have no idea no pug hugging festivals no pug hugging festivals come at you with a rash and shit this is the first trip you went on you didn't come back with a rash or red eye or skunk fucking here I don't know what it is am I goddamn family tree that my skin so terrible I'm excited about going to temp you haven't been in about 18 months you know I've been going to Tempe since I first fucking got here I love you in Tempe you could just go to Tempe for so long before you go

you know what he's gonna come again I said you know I don't want to go to Tempe for a long fucking time I used to go down there for a long time and I stopped going down there and then fucking Danny Murr fucking died and then nobody went then they tried to ship me off to Phoenix then they reopened Tempe it's another Tempe I was there when the when fuck I was telling Lee about the dude greasy Tony that he had a restaurant there across the street from the improv next to a gas station bar I've been going there since fucking 98 down there first time I went to Tempe Arizona it was an 84 to hook up with a friend of mine and we ended up smoking mushrooms it was fucking tremendously and with some Indians it was like something out of a fucking movie Lee I left there like going

this life is gonna be a wild fucking ride I went back to Tempe 14 years later it was a complete different fucking city Lee it had grown that whole area had grown leaps in fucking bounds in the first time I went down there I think that's one of the weirdest parts about getting older is just coming back like 10 years later in the and having memories somewhere but that was the first city where I first noticed it that I flew into to do comedy like and I don't know it was like I knew I'd been there before I'd been there twice before the Tempe I landed twice in Phoenix and then went on to Tempe both times but I remember like the the whole thing how much had blown up you know so yeah I've been going on the greasy Tony was down there he was a dude from Jersey who had

this little hot he was short he was stumpy he was dirty he had a fucked up haircut greasy Tony had all the fucked up makings of just a little little barn again he just looked like somebody and he was he was somebody from middle New Jersey you know he had no class he was worse than I was I mean he was just nuts but he had this restaurant and he served great fucking sandwiches I mean Gabriel used to go there Martin Moreno Rogan myself Chris McGuire I mean Ari Duncan we would go to we would go to the Tempe improv and drive just to go to greasy Tony's first before it stuck keep tapping on the fucking table we would go to greasy Tony we would drive down there and go to greasy Tony's just to get like a fucking sandwich he had pizzas but I was telling

Lee he made his own Mountain Dew one day one of our friends drank a Mountain Dew and said I don't know what happened last night but I didn't sleep for like a day and he goes I fucking narrowed it down to greasy Tony and I asked him about his Mountain Dew and he told me that that's why he didn't put it in the in the gun because he would mix his own like it was in a bucket like if you asked him for like a ladle or you just dipped the cup in he's fine kid if you knew greasy Tony he fucking he dipped his hand in that picked it up put ice cubes in it let the juice peel over and go over his disgusting fingers and then he'd give it to you if you knew greasy Tony he had fucking Mountain Dew in a tub that he made himself because that's what kept him awake he

was addicted to Mountain Dew so he would take the juice from the Mountain Dew gun and just mix it like it's like I don't know the exact measurements I'm just saying he would take that thick syrup and let's say you were supposed to mix an ounce of syrup with six ounces of water let's just say he would mix it with like three ounces of water and it would be like a stew the ice cubes it was like egg drop soup like good egg drop soup but you had to put like ice cubes in it to tame it down and that's going to take the fins up a little bit when you put ice cubes into egg drop soup that's the way it was with his Mountain Dew just it was colder than fuck you put ice a ton of ice in it you didn't even know what the fuck you were drinking it burned your throat and cold it

burned your throat it's like if you know anything about Coca-Cola those little bottles they burn your throat because they have more oxygen in those for years Coca-Cola used to make an eight ounce bottle or a 10 ounce bottle and the reason why people drank them people would say oh my god whenever you drink the eight the 10 ounce coke they would burn your throat it's a different Coca-Cola no it's the same coke they would just either take the oxygen out or put more oxygen in I forget what's the thing if somebody don't know and they'll tweet at me what the formula was a lot of people don't know about that see so you could do the same shit with Mountain Dew he would make his own fucking Mountain Dew Mountain Crank you up for fucking days I did a triple run one time

and I had to drive from Idaho to Boulder Colorado I'll never forget this I got off stage at fucking 1030 and I know for a fact it was like 12 hours from Boise Idaho to Boulder it was not on the final floor or something like that and somebody was in the finals UCLA the twins something and I was trying to not stay and watch the game I said let me watch it for 10 minutes I ended up leaving at 1040 and I had to be in Boulder by two fucking o'clock no sleep no nothing it was gonna be a 12 hour fucking ride so if I'm leaving at 1030 I'm gonna get that 1030 in the morning I'm gonna have three hours of sleep a shower and get myself together it was to pick up my daughter on Sundays

I got in that I got in that fucking car and I started guzzling Mountain Dew and my uh not might all might all those when you have your period no does no does dog I started eating those fucking as a caffeine man Jesus Christ that's so bad for you that was it that was I never messed with no does again that's the most dangerous thing you've ever done for 12 hours to wait I would only stop for gasoline I got all the way to Boulder I got a message saying that she wasn't dropping the kid off that day she was sick I drove all fucking night I'll never forget I pulled over in one of those Idaho towns and I parked on the side of the road and I tried to sleep and I took like a six minute nap and I woke up to the to me stepping on the gas with the lights on so when

I opened up I thought I was going off a cliff oh no oh my god you know how much your fucking heart beats until you wake up high I wasn't high I was high on those fucking no doses in Mountain Dew what a fucking life man what do you think Mike when you look at Joey now uh uh it it it it uh you know it the miracle continues you know I mean look it's it's uh you know uh you know these uh what did I eat the black death instead of shit yeah so it's it's this long journey right and it's like and it's you know it's got so much edge you know towards the dark side and there's all this other stuff but we just had this love man I was like fucking man you know uh but uh what a strange trip and what a really strange trip strange

fucking trip 1990 it's 2007 fucking team but but but but right now you know it but here's that you here's what I think uh we're both doing the right thing when it comes to like uh uh living living no no we were living like I had almost for a long time there's no way you could live like that family even move ahead serious family thing yeah so we stuck together you know uh we had we're partners in crime it was a fucking tons of fun what I do it again fuck yeah we never ended up in prison you know we always had you know you had that you were reminding me of a story you had the Spanish drug dealer I yeah the Spanish drug dealer and he would make me call him up and talk to him in Spanish like would call me and come down here

and also like come down here talk to this guy ask me what he's saying and the guy would say I'll meet him on the corner of Wilshire so we have to take a ride to Wilshire and he'd make the delivery and then me and Mike were behind El Compagio one night and I met my most famous fucking drug dealer of all time nobody impressed me more than this guy we looked at each other and we both knew we were the same souls of the same bird he was a Mexican dude we made eye contact and he came right up to me Lee and he was this guy was a weird guy he would say come on start and he would hug you only spoke Spanish and he put a coke rocking your nose and then he looked you straight in the eye and he goes how much do you want and you would say give me 20 give me 40 give me 50 give me 100

and he just put a rock in your head like he knew exactly from the size of the rock so I met him behind El Compagio I got like a 40 from him he gave me like a 60 since I was a new customer you know I'm saying he hooked me up and this is just how much it's worth right this what I like it's a $40 bag a 60 dollar bag it's a $40 bag and he gave me like a for 40 he should have gave me like eight tenths of a gram he gave me I gave him 40 and he gave me a gram and a tenth you know I'm saying something like that it was right it was clean coke the whole fucking deal so at that time there was him there was the Armenian there was a couple drug dealers at the fucking El Compagio right so every night was different competition there was the dude who played the guitar

he's dead now god rest his soul right there was he creepy well no he wasn't creepy at all he was fucking tremendous and so every night when you went in there you knew you were gonna get something you just didn't know from who it was always an adventure if you caught the Armenian it was good you know a good night and you could talk to him he'd give you the good shit if you caught the the guitar player he'd give you the good shit and if you caught the uh who else was I talking about the there was somebody else that's uh you know I have uh the guy who this is in LA right D I don't know if I can say his name or not no no no he didn't hang out there but the black dude yeah no no no he didn't hang out there we had him always on the sidelines okay he was always

in the sidelines he was the Montel Cartel look at Mike he remembers now it's coming back to him and shit look I don't know nothing about knowledge he knows what I'm talking about he sat out there outside the synagogue many fucking nights with Uncle Joey thinking about his life and shit what were we saying Lee before oh so I meet this dude he puts the fucking coke rock in my hand I go home I don't see the guy for a few months right but a few months later I get off the 101 I get off the 101 on sunset but no I get off the sun out you know when you're coming north on uh 101 you hit Santa Monica Melrose exit right and in those days I would always anticipate traffic because I had a spot at the store so I would exit on there and make a left and head

towards the beach and I would stay on Melrose for maybe until I hit Vine then I cut up type shit you know what I'm saying I cut up to like one of those main streets fountain and I go straight to the economy store I cut up on one of those streets it's gotta be 12 30 at night now when you get to western and sunset there's a mcdonald not a mcdonalds there's like a subway sandwich there used to be a sprint store there's a big lumber yard there right there on sunset and across the street is that store I told you it's a lumber yard type place and there's mexicans on the way out there but in there they sell the best tacos in LA all those all his clients are mexicans so they gotta sell the best best food you understand me so getting back that story I'm on that street

on sunset and fucking western I'm minding my own business it's 12 45 I got some money in my pocket I'm not lying to you I'm headed to Elk and Padre I'm gonna go to the store and pick up a package you know me I got money in my pocket it's burning a hole in my pocket do you know I'm sitting there minding my own business looking out the window to see when the light's gonna turn green and red and who do I see running at me but that fucking drug dealer from behind Elk and Padre at night like a wild man going hey hey remember me he was like hiding behind a car saw me and remembered me and he ran up to the car breathing heavy hey pull over pull over to don't get to see that go I gotta talk to you and all this I go what's up dog and also they put a coke rock in my nose

and I remembered who he was I'm like look who the fuck it is and he was getting a good blow I go get it yeah and I gave him like 60 bucks and they gave me like a fucking gram and I grant and I got a half and that was it that was a custom like when are you here and he would tell me listen whenever you want coke you don't even need to call me just come down here drive around for two or three minutes I'll come run until you call we've got do you know yeah I didn't like fucking ten times Lee all you had to do was drive to sunset make a ride on western go down make a ride again by the time you hit sunset the second time you'd hear hey hey sounds like the man on fire instructions like to fight he was always like in a tree always under a car this was

fucking crap you can't believe you cannot write this shit you understand me this is what keeps me up at night and I go I don't understand you don't I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I'm looking up here no no no you just think about how many things could have gone wrong they could have been a cop three blocks away at a light and sees a guy dropping something off in my car right now we wouldn't be having this conversation I'd be just getting out of jail I'd be getting out of a fucking halfway house if you understand me how many things could have gone wrong in those days that's why I'm so fucking lucky I didn't do nothing no you didn't fucking do nothing Jesus Christ almighty if it ain't one thing it's another yeah but what are you gonna do I'm going to fucking tempi

Lee Syat's gonna sit at home he's gonna fucking develop his business taking over the world Trump's gonna become president but Lee Syat is gonna fucking take over Trump's position of the podcast world trust me won't tell you this shit people thank you very much I'm trying are you going to the inauguration march or any of the events for Trump no I am busy that weekend no I'll watch I'll watch some of it probably are you going to any of the demonstration marches or anything like that no I don't you're not going to downtown LA on Saturday I would rather I would rather jump off a bridge and go to any demonstration rally yeah that sounds terrible I mean it sounds sense I mean it's it's it's a very interesting time I don't know what to think there's a lot of people in my life

who are very scared yeah we have really huh yeah there's a lot of people my life oh Jesus Christ there's a lot of people my life were very scared right now scared like about like like Trump uh yeah and it's not the people you think because I'm yeah really yes it's my it's like it's my favorite my friend let me ask you a question you're an intelligent kid you watched a lot of fucking tv and whatever what are the fears you know what I uh what are the fucking fears of the america I don't even want to say them because because you're afraid no no no no because it's even to me it was ridiculous like it seemed a little bit really ridiculous because just yeah like there are people out there it's okay to be who are worried that he will like not allow other

people not not allow an election like he'll he'll like he'll start not allowing people into the country like he'll do so I and I'm and I don't want to speak out of turn so and I don't I don't necessarily think I'm hoping that just one person doesn't have that much power so that's what I'm kind of banking on uh but it a lot of people are scared that he's gonna take the all all medical insurance away from millions of people he's gonna a lot of people are worried about the marijuana industry they're just gonna do have a lot more uh conservative values on a lot of the parts of our life all right so I don't mean I but I I don't know I guess it's probably what the people in the south what what didn't like when this was happening when Obama happened I'm sure

it's the same feeling to be honest with you it's gotta be very interesting to see what happens yeah I think it's Friday and Saturday and Sunday across the country there's gonna be rallies I'm hoping he's good I'm a lot of women I'm rooting for him uh it's gonna be spook this is spooky time yeah get ready kids fast and receive belts it's gonna be a rough ride you know it's it depends where it happens oh now you got a fucking crystal ball cocksucker before you don't know nothing you want to plead the fifth I'm telling you want to tell these cocksuckers they're in for a spooky time no no no hey listen remember the 60s people used to do this right and it was like hey it was fun when I was like 18 yeah fuck let's go demonstrate but now this is like serious and people do need

to do it it's great but it's real it's real if you're gonna go do that and the thing I was thinking about today to be honest with you is there are people who like the same people who are scared about Trump don't necessarily like Bernie they were very much Hillary Clinton so but it seems like to me that if if Bernie is around and up for it that he would probably have a whole landslide like it would be it would be probably a huge battle between him and Trump I'm not gonna say landslide victory but I'll say a huge battle because he people feel like he got robbed of a chance I was robbed so I think even four years he's still up for it either him or Biden would would have a it would be a more it would be a better battle than the last one yeah he's he's he's he's there and uh it don't

matter listen when we go to the supermarket we're there by ourselves that's the thing nobody there's no president there there's no state America's uh you'll fucking check America's a very strong thing you know people have their fears believing yourself yeah fuck everything else that's why the days are back bitches you understand me that's the best thing about this whole situation that the days are back they've made a strong comeback if it wasn't hello tushy dot com you'd still be wiping your ass getting blisters and scratching your hemorrhoids with that cheap fucking dollar store paper but thank god for hello tushy dot com we'll put a new revolutionary what's it called really help me here what's it's called when you can snap it on it's portable it's

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of a day it keeps away the hemorrhoids it takes away the swamp ass you'll be tipped to my goop ready to go you understand me like chat woman you're just going your little secret bathroom this isn't funny no it's not funny so stop fucking laughing at these people are fucking tremendous people with tremendous product and I want America and the world to understand that hello tushy does fucking work and it's tremendous thank you I wouldn't be here talking about them if they wouldn't go to hello tushy dot com right now and press in church chur ch and get 10% off your order also it's a new year you're still eating those fucked up vitamins you're still lying to yourself go to honor dot com right now and press in church boom and get 10% off your order delivered right

to your motherfucking door from alpha brain to shroom tech to shroom tech sport to what else cocksucker help me here to alpha brain to shroom tech to shroom uh uh listen to this shroom tech immune to immune to the milkshake with the fucking hemp protein and force listen go to honor dot com and take a great look at all the new they even have like a alpha brain travel thing that you take I forget what they called I'm sorry we ate too many stars tonight pardon me and my fucking mum and bumbling little goombab that's over there I'm killing me to that strong bone go to honor dot com right now start your new year resolution to stick it out I can't help you with the steel bars and the kettlebells but I'll get you 10% off on the supplements go to honor right

canal and press in church chur ch and get 10% off your first order see you motherfuckers next week stay black I love you don't forget about me you mother do you think they'll like this song you mother do you think they'll try to break my balls oh mother should have built the wall

you mother should I run for president mother should I trust the government you ah it isn't just a waste of time oh mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true mama's gonna put all of her fears into you mama's gonna keep you right here under her wing she won't let you fly

but she might let you sing mama's gonna keep baby cozy at home ooh baby ooh baby ooh baby oh mother do you think she's good enough for me

oh mother do you think she's dangerous tell me oh mother would she care your little boy or your part I hope you wish you'd break my heart oh my baby baby don't you cry

mama's gonna check out what your girlfriend's for you mama won't let anyone dirty get through mama's gonna wait up until you get it mama will always find out who you're good mama's gonna keep baby healthy and keep ooh baby ooh baby ooh baby

ooh baby you'll always be pretty to me mother didn't need to be so high you