Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #449 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: January 24, 2017

Ralphie May, Comedian, seen on Netflix and NBC, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Ralphie also has a residency at Harrah's Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/23/2017.


go Lee the church or what's happening now is presented by on it this show is brought to you by me undies me undies are the perfect gift for you and your Valentine's this holiday and they come in limited edition prints and even better for a limited time our listeners can get a 20% discount off of their first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada you have to go to me undies comm slash Joey that's me undies comm slash Joey the show is also brought to you by zip recruiter defined candidates in any city industry nationwide post once at zip recruiter right now our listeners can go to a

zip recruiter and post for free when you go to zip recruiter comm slash church that's a zip recruiter comm slash church kick that mule Lee it's Monday bitches oh shit oh shit Monday January 23rd the church or what's happening now you're here Lee Syat Ralphie May and your uncle Joey Diaz oh shit take it Lee blow those fucking speakers oh shit there we go cock suckers steel grandma's valium's we're going what's happening you bad motherfuckers Monday it's Tuesday by the time you

listen hope you're having a great fucking day uncle Joey Ralphie May hey everybody before we get the podcast start I gotta apologize for Wednesday night Mike Kessler was on here I love him to death and everything he's my uncle he was at my wedding I love to death but Jesus fucking Christ before he came on the podcast his retarded fucking daughter told him not to use his last name there's something going on she she's suing somebody for poisoning her so she's seeing fucking DEA agents in front of her house this kid was always fucking retarded okay she worked at a restaurant she was dating a dude for nine

years also one day she comes home and she's fucking a lesbian we're just like that no no fucking training no nothing she just becomes a fucking lesbian right there you know there's a fucking problem right there I don't say nothing I keep it to myself okay she gets a dog with this ugly fucking lesbo they get a house then the lesbo beats up domestic violence who the fuck because she's a fucking nut then she went back to dick then back to she's worse than Ellen's old wife remember the chick and then she went and had two kids and now nothing no more lesbian no more lbgtq community cuck cuck that's how quick these motherfuckers

change and they go lgbt to BLT yeah for the BLT so now he comes on the show and every question I ask him he says he thinks it's like the godfather too he's under questioning by Congress I did not remember that certain fucking thing that's the senator you're my clan of the fucking podcast and I launched into him that his fucking retarded wife calls me what did you give Mike he's 70 years old Mike did heroin for 30 years a fucking animal is not gonna put a dent first of that guys one of those guys I love Mike he's my uncle but he's one of those guys that hasn't stopped since he got back from Vietnam do you know what that means

he's always got something in his pocket yeah he may not be doing bow but he may have fentanyl that shit Michael Jackson drank or he may have vikings or he may just one of those dudes since I've known him or he might have weed or he might but he's always got yeah so like I told her when she called me back again and I go listen he's fine he's fine he's gonna be fine he just ate fucking 200 milligrams just let him sleep it up she goes he doesn't know where he is I go you know God knows what's in this fucking system yeah but you were his wife for 30 years and you're another fucking retard calling me at two in the morning

and I thought they were gonna take him to the house but no he's fine he woke up and two days later he called me apologized and he was staying at the Marriott because the retarded daughter the older one fucking kept hearing Martians and people with it you know man there's a thin line between mental health and like fucking and you could see it like I'm just fucking crazy and I do drugs right but the mental health issues they're coming I feel from time to time last night I went off to the Hindu at 711 because he wanted to charge me ten cents for a fucking bag I'm in there every fucking day I'm in there every day

and they don't they always give me a bag last night this particular fucking dot like the evil eye and then charge me ten cents I fucking fuck yeah I threw a dollar at him I go here's a dollar you fuck I come I'm family in the 711 I've stopped burglaries in here this is one the only 711 in the country I don't shoplift I give you respect wow I don't even shoplift I've never shoplift at you don't shit in your backyard they're right there they're good people yeah family at the 711 yeah because it's not the ISIS 711 on Chandler and Lowell Canyon I wouldn't let today dog that's strict that's straight up ISIS that's ISIS is

I wouldn't eat that motherfucker cuz they're poisoning you they're poisoning you with like that gas they're trying to shit out on you that uh that that hot dog will blow up yeah I don't fuck with that that's how to drive my friend there I was at that dude wait when the taquito is ticking you know I hate that shit so yeah I'm very sorry about the podcast last week guys you know it was never my intention I had to sit here and talk with myself with Lee and he kept sitting there he didn't know where he was he was tapping on the table he was swallowing his nose he was fucking doing everything to irritate the shit out of me but

anyway now that's off my chest how are you cocksuck it's a beautiful fucking Tuesday Ralphie May what up hey baby it's so great to be here in part of the church I love it we got the guy the the new Pope Coco boom boom Diaz where's the package look at Lee these guys look at Cardinal Lee Siams the only Jew I know he's back when you start me off with I don't know how whatever thousands of milligrams you gave me like I just I like the it got to the point where that then the nice lady at the at the store that we go to told me I need to take a tolerance break she told me I see I've seen her so much that she's like the

blonde the skinny one she's very nice and I think her name is like sky or cute oh sky some of the black she is blonde over black hair real cute yeah you know she oh yeah everyone over there is great but she's like because I went in there and I even told you I was like I asked for something new if she's like well you've tried everything I'm like no there has to be something like new that that's more than 50 milligrams and there's literally I walked around the store three times and there's nothing that you haven't given me and there's nothing it's nothing strong enough in weed stores now like I have to poison myself with 2,000

milligrams to get anywhere near stone anymore like it's it's like great yeah no very fortunate now you're bulletproof that's right you're bulletproof I mean fuck with you yeah what what if one of those dirty Russian cocksuckers try to put something in you you'd be like go fuck yourself yeah true Sarah yeah I'm fucking Lee I've been talking to you that when ISIS comes I gotta poison these people and you're gonna be the only one standing yeah I'm gonna be on the floor these other Jews are gonna shit you'll be in training we're strong is that why you go to multiple stores it like is that oh yeah that's just they don't know what

you're doing we're doomsday for preppers well Ralphie you like I've heard I've only heard stories about you I think it's like from Ari and then from Joey about like you had like before mason jars were cool you had like a pint my son like a gallon my son mason jar we had on the table on the table on the table I still got it where was that it was close that chap Pico yeah off Pico the place you moved in which we're showing Ralph's was living with you yeah he had a fucking container in the fucking middle it was a pound of weed it was fucking awesome it was huge it was one of the biggest place on Mondays and turn out the lights

turn out the lights three ounces of this four out they would sit there go what the fuck are you doing with this I know and the truth is is the most of it I gave it away I gave it away the clubs tell me like the waiters when I get there the waiters ago he showed up with these fucking chima choose yeah and I think it's just the coolest thing to do you know I mean the first time my buddy Ari Shafir of course you know Ari right you know Ari yeah okay Ari first time he ever saw an ounce of weed I handed it to him here here Ari you're a hilarious I love you here try this weed you know that we were we were the first I mean in my

generation he couldn't believe it in comics I mean in 2003 or 2004 I was the first one nobody to start making some money and that was a stoner you know so it was like fuck we're all going we're all partying okay we're all partying Coco take this try this all right and you know what Joey is a guy that will that will eat a girl's pussy while melting a coke rock under a clip and then reach into a pocketbook and get hundreds okay all right and mad that he only pulls out ones and fives okay he's mad till he gets that hundred then then oh she came I'm out of here right but when it came to taking weed from me I

had to force it to him you had to force it to him you did not your pride you're like I go by my own way I know you can't but here take this are you give me that nice oh geez oh my god so gee I missed that shit me too man 35% damn that was good really missed that fucking refund I saw him a few months ago man yeah he married that girl yeah he had long hair and he was doing this thing yeah I said he closed it down you know it's amazing how those were he was when Kushmart opened the word on the street from a lot of people Kushmart at one time I'm making 25 grand a day that would yeah 25 fucking grand a day at one time how much

was like a gram at that point do you think 25 yeah Jesus 25 the Russians on fucking sunset by Rouse were charging 30 for a rock and roll Rouse right rock and roll Rouse they had they were charging 30 for a gram of Obama and 90 for a fucking eighth they were straight up gangsters with that we yeah that place on for most what was that place that we used to go to the pharmacy yeah but the no it was the West Hollywood collective no we used to go to a pharmacy for a while where we oh yeah the pharmacy with when you bought when you bought the tickets for us to go see Clemens pitch and it was a thousand degrees in August

yeah against the Dodgers and we bought Ralph he bought a bag of edibles at the other place because the pharmacy had like ice cream and they were going out on a limb Italian ice and yeah but the other place next to the breakfast joint that we used to go to there the by whiskey a go-go yeah there with the black chick yeah yeah she was they used to have cakes in there Lee I would fuck you up like chocolate cake we're like 400 milligrams 100 milligrams and I'm holy shit we took him to a fucking Dodger game and this one before you had the tolerance for it this was way before tolerance right this is when

you ate shit and went home and cried yourself to sleep in shit yeah yeah a thousand degrees you mean John Wesley yeah and we sat right under the Sun dog with those edibles getting a fucking suntan and brewing that Sun was cooking those fucking waters did you buy from the guy the water guy when it came by all up a little fucking drink it was too hot the ticket was so good that they were bad because it was right in the Sun right in the Sun yeah those are tough in LA especially there's something weird about heat on edibles for me yeah no they make you sweat yeah it makes it like I don't know I don't feel good when

I if I'm too hot I can't do it edible I get how like it is it's one of the weird always makes fun to me that I pass out in the studio after the after what it was really hot when it was the summer I would take my shirt off just I don't have no idea why I don't take my shirt off at the beach and I was taking my shirt off here with the door open because they turn the AC off and I was just hot at least say I don't take his shirt off in the shower I don't he's like Josh wills hat it's fucking crazy let me tell you something man that that shit makes me sweat like a motherfucker like I refuse to exercise like if I eat an edible and I

get somewhere and there's stairs yeah like I'm fucking pissed even if it's two little stars which will not get me high they will fuck me up when I'm walking up those stairs yeah I run out of breath it makes my mind think I'm passing out yeah like I went to radio one time in Boston the elevator broke and that motherfucker made us walk up to the third floor by the second floor I'm like though you better bring the radio station down no no I'll do a phone or from down here yeah I'll do a phone down here these are long it was an escalator and it's to escalate the ceilings are really high fucking electricity went down so

they want us to walk up Jesus they were running the radio show on a generator I can't do edibles and do anything like once I do edibles I don't blame it I walk unexpectedly my fucking heart stop Mike my heart fucking beats to what about going downstairs at the old office I used to have a freak out whenever I was drunk those are kind of steep stairs man I know those freak me out oh my god yeah and I'll be fine like I like I get a little nervous sometimes if I'm out and it's like rainy or something but if I'm sober I'm fine if I was that was my biggest panic at that office was that people were gonna see me walking down

the stairs and they know it'd be stone cuz it took me like five minutes once good like it would take like a couple tries it was scary you know you like my depth perceptions off area it's a it's a different but it's I kind of like now going out when I'm stoned it's it's it's it's funny because I've always liked watching people and giggling at them but we just makes that a thousand times better just watching crazy like I almost want to go back to a seat I've never been in like a city really stoned like Boston or New York and like get to like sit and watch a whole city move by Austin's aggravating and you have to be

very careful they'll leave because those Boston white people are a different type of white people than you've ever dealt with put case in point Lee I had done a show there for New Year's and like 2000 there's ice everywhere snow everywhere it is it is probably 18 degrees at the most and I saw these two guys walk up to a hot dog place and start beating the living shit out of each other because one of them put ketchup on their hot dog okay and they beat the shit out of each other were blood and okay and then he goes I told you not to put ketchup on it and gets up and they put their shirts back on and

walk off together they're the craziest white people you've ever seen dude I grew up in the suburbs of Boston I never I've always hear stories about this stuff I never really get to see it but it but yeah I think the winter would be a little bit tough especially especially when it's like the same how hot freaks me out I think super cold would freak me out too if I was stoned like when you can't breathe a little bit when the cold takes your breath away man okay I was just in Fargo, North Dakota last month it was negative 22 degrees the wind chill negative 40 it was so cold I went outside to smoke a joint literally I

thought I was gonna pass out it hit me so hard because it was so cold the we did and then well to the warms yeah well it's like being in high school you smoke outside then you walk into the high school yeah and the weed levels off a little bit because you're in warm weather deep it's man it was so cold as you've ever been yeah that was the coldest I ever been in dude I mean it that I I you I can't describe it to people I mean it was it's just I mean Coco in my bus on the inside the windows were all closed the heat the bus heaters on I have a space heater on top of that I am under six inches of blankets

alright and there's a water on top of my blankets that's about 18 inches away from the window and it completely froze and it was inside in a heated place that far away from the window that is how fucking cold it was I've never experienced anything I tell you what those people up there that's not that they're the fucking toughest motherfuckers ever people think they're tough guys alright you ain't tough till you do that when I was in my fifth year comedy fourth year comedy I moved back to Boulder and I started getting work as a feature in different cities you know not in clubs and one-nighters these guys were booking

stuff and the first weekend after New Year's I went to a rivets in Wyoming and it had to be that type of shit it snowed so I'm ever being at the hotel waking up like 11 there was no breakfast in hotels no days there's no free breakfast stop you woke up and you had to look at that front desk dude and go where do we go and he and I asked to do they go where do I go to eat lunch he goes I wouldn't take a chance you driving I said no I'm walking he goes you ain't gonna make it yeah you would make it he goes you ain't gonna make it I said yes I will and I went out that dog and I walked and walked it was fucking brutal brutal day it was

fucking brutal especially with the wind the wind is work at least for me is what going my god it was cold and under your skin the last time I was in Minneapolis was January two three years ago and it was one of those days and I went outside to smoke and cut you and as soon as I went outside I could feel the jeans getting cold like my skin touch oh yeah and already they were cold you can only stay outside smoke maybe a half a joint I turn off and hide it right there at the mall of America and the bricks genius exactly what I would do when I go back an hour later they didn't take it off the brick I do that everywhere I

find the dumpster and put on the ledge and you go over a fucking trailer there was in Jersey there was a trailer they just built behind the hotel and edge wall there was still a construction trail they had a flap I put the joint on there I'd smoke half of it put it on there go to my room that's better than you what happened when you were when you would smoke say I know you don't just smoke cigarettes anymore but I've always wondered that when you when you have to smoke a cigarette and it's that cold you go outside Jesus and trust me with the cigarette you fucking it could be ten below fucking

zero and you go out there yeah my my tour manager Ben he was out there in it he he would take him ten minutes to put on all the extra clothes to go outside and smoke a smoke a cigarette now that you grow up in cold weather yeah I could saw I had four seasons you know we had definitely had four seasons it would get cold I mean you know we had holes in our house so it was if maybe it felt colder than what it really was it's funny because I grew up in cold weather you grew up really in cold weather and but the the weather has gotten colder with climate change is that what they call it like yeah yeah everything even this rain

we're getting in California is they're getting history making yeah like yesterday it rained four fucking inches in Long Beach is it true that we're not in a drought anymore is that true I have no fuck I know you don't know but no listen they were never in a drought they were growing weed they got water to grow weed they know fucking drought you know I'm saying right or wrong right that's why I still took long showers they got they got water to grow weed they got water the fucking longer you know for a year I only take long showers on the road I get the whole tower room and it was like fucking paradise I was like

Mad Max when they found fucking gasoline I just laid in the fucking tub for an hour let my fun guy nail softened but now I said fuck that shit when I'm home now I go in the shower bitch I steam everything I steam the muffler I don't give a fuck Coco you take two showers a day three two do three what I lived with you it was at least two maybe three water was free fuck it let's do this I love fucking showers I love going in there breaking the monotony Jerry Seinfeld used to have a joke that he put on his Rodney danger feels special about the shower no nobody can bother in the shuttle yeah the body in

the show I think about that he's too busy is in the shower you ever tell you're in the shower you see that hair you wouldn't know how it got up there how it would just creep his way up the wall that's early Seinfeld though he was on fire man that guy is so good and and yet so boring to me I find Jerry's jokes so boring but he's so good like from like purely like just joke technique and everything I mean he's brilliant but what he has to talk about does not fucking interrupts me and all at all about your fucking socks I don't give a shit I don't give a shit about putting your keys in your shoes at the beach I don't give a

shit about any of that you know but but he's so good at doing it somebody fucking cares because of course he's the fucking greatest to paint him a ton of fucking I know what do I know they really just brought his Netflix just brought comedians and cars drinking coffee in Netflix but he's also doing two specials for him wow he's doing two specials so it's like 50 million dollar deal it's crazy and I loves I love Seinfeld the show I've seen a couple of stand-up specials so I love but I what's interesting is I have I've only seen it before I started this and before like the storytelling comedy yeah I mean

I'd be interested to look back on it even because I like it it's I think it's funny but now that the the the what I don't even know what the word is but the genre of comedy has changed a little bit I don't know if it stands up I paid to see him I paid yeah I took a girl on a date maybe 1992 I took this girl on a date night I did stand up I was like an open micro and she knew when I took it down and then what he was great he was fucking great he did like a Q&A at the end oh wow really I was ready to ask him a stupid fucking question I'm happy I didn't so it was before the show then it was around the show the show was I don't

know there's a show starting it had a tough first season I think the show was starting really hard tough season a lot of people don't understand how well you know they they always said that if it was today the show would have never made it because no they would have fucking cut them by the fourth episode or something like that but I still watch the show on the roads and times man watch it I still giggle that makes me laugh man makes me gig I still remember the night that show ended how it was like a fucking big deal like yeah improv's didn't even do stand-up that night no they got a big screen it was a Thursday they got a big

screen and just people came in and watched it for free John Panette I saw that episode the other day John Panette was great and they were making fat jokes at him and that's why they went to jail hilarious I fucking I love that episode it was so funny John Panette was great is it on something that you could watch it from the beginning is it like a hulu yeah but yeah I like to start watching that from the beginning you know yeah this fucking CISO they have a couple specials on there but they have something very interesting Ralphie what is it that when you fucking not doing anything yeah pretty interesting to watch

they have the very beginning of Saturday Night Live oh wow the pilot with Carlin the whole fucking thing just watch for four or five episodes wow it's pretty fucking interesting man and you won't the it's not gonna be I don't wait if I'm not telling you it's hilarious no my god you wait to I didn't say that no I said just watch it next time in the hotel we can't sleep just go to CISO TV impressing Joey they give you a month for free and fucking watch it dude I used your month for free and I watched your special I watched Dougie special Dougie stand home and I watched Laurie Kilmartin and how good is Laurie

Kilmartin's phenomenal phenomenal you know what it's it's like I tell you what HBO and Showtime they better get their fucking shit together but because between Netflix and Hulu those motherfuckers are gonna be out of the comedy business what what I like as far as like like those specials I saw and see so okay as opposed to the last three specials I've seen on comedy I mean on HBO HBO is hot garbage in comparison to to Dougie and you and Laurie Kilmartin that's no bullshit I'm gonna tell you something man times are changing you know times are changing that movie fast and I told you that a week after the special

came out I got a call from an agent that almost signed with and he congratulated me he goes I learned something very interesting this week that somebody else had put on an HBO special nobody's talking about it and you put on the CISO special everybody's talking about it and everybody's watching it from 9 to 5 he goes next time one of my clients get an offer from HBO I think I only do it if they let it if they only put on Saturday night and then stream it afterward yeah online if not it's really not worth it no and I you learn you learn you live and learn man you know everything's changing your audience now

it's from 9 to 5 it's the people who go into offices 10 years ago they couldn't find this right we're all over the place they listen to Bill Burr they listen to Jim Jeffries they listen to Joe Rogan 100 million downloads last year they listen to you they listen to here I mean yeah no no no it's uh this game is changing Mark Maron oh my god yeah it's fucking crazy ever since we had a Ray Kanala on I'm always looking he he ran he runs a Roku channel or a YouTube channel no more no okay I used to he'd be bought a soda out of something I went to this restaurant the other day and the dog the owner's daughter was watching a

YouTube video of like the guy PewDiePie who plays video games and talks about it while he's playing the games she was watching that on the 60 inch TV at the restaurant like because it was her father's place and I she was like had to be under 10 and I'm like that's that's the future they have cable there they have all but she's watching a YouTube video and it's just it's interesting like maybe it was a YouTube stream or YouTube no it was a video because you could go back and forth it was crazy like it's like HBO is sort of like the Jerry Seinfeld like it like that like they're still on that platform and then

YouTube it just it's everything is changing like no one I would never have wanted to watch a YouTube video instead of TV I had a computer when I was growing up but there was no I remember had a Rambo on video disc there were no real videos or anything now pick that's all was it first blood or Rambo I think it was first blood as a deadly movie is that on YouTube now like all those movies are on YouTube is that we are probably this is YouTube red or something like that right yeah they're all on there right you have to rent them you have to buy them yeah it's it's but but that's the thing people don't want

all people want now is like even I saw something like same Tripoli tweeted something today like someone was like 6,000 people were on Instagram live watching this a workout trainer working out that's what people want now they want quick like I almost whenever I'm at home with Paula I don't we really don't watch movies that often like I think this week and we watched one movie but it's all TV like it's we all want quick and it's and it's the movies have been so bad I think that's why they're going to YouTube and stuff I don't know I mean having you guys found yeah man I mean I I got that fire stick that Amazon fire

stick and we had it hacked and so we get all the movies and stuff like that bro so many of the fucking movies are not worth a goddamn dime I mean our total shit even for free there's no yeah yeah there's no I mean we'll turn off a free movie just cuz this is this is killing my head you know this is this is a headache like on my TV last week I love Chail son and I think he's amazing at trash talk I pulled up like a 20 minute best of Chail son and trash talk video and had a better time watching that that some kid put together by himself on his laptop then then a TV show or a movie it's a it's pretty interesting and it's I don't

know I mean you well I think both of you guys have had a huge career growth from online video man Netflix for me flip the script man I mean you know you do for with Comedy Central and it's good you do one with Netflix and it's all more than the first four with Comedy Central I mean it's but you know what I was lucky because I took less money for the specials and did them on on better cameras you know it cost me more money but because of that Netflix bought all my ones that were on Comedy Central and they were the first to go out on those when they used to do just DVDs do you remember that absolutely yeah and and

they they when they first went to 1080 they mine were already there and that's that's when the last like four I've shot were in 4k and so they're still gonna be good for years and years and years and I took less money but it's better for me in the career but man Netflix dude I'm going to Australia in April because of Netflix I've never told a joke in Australia and I'm going there it's crazy it just opens up so many doors because your special now is worldwide yeah it's fucking just it's too I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about Lee before I'm high you confused the fuck out of me that you went to PewDiePie and

she was watching the restaurant you and Paula why you but you and Paula watch fucking nothing it was awesome you watch fucking terrible shit anyway you stay home it's like it's like Jim Jones fucking it's what Jim Jones gave out the Kool-Aid you just waiting to give out Kool-Aid to shoot yourself out the other day they were watching Adam Wiles I was so fucking happy I was so fucking he's fucking years old he sits in at night and watches Cheers you want to shoot you want to shoot him you want to fucking shoot this is what I gotta deal with you watch his cheers I like cheers that I'm making my way thanks he's a fucking

way through the world today is it taking everything you got it really is sometimes be nice to know I haven't I don't what a shoe it helps a lot I don't even know I don't even know what to watch anymore like I judge a movie brother right from the fucking trailer man and I could tell you from the trailers now if this is the movie yeah do you follow me like you could see it and go that's the movie that's as good as that movie is Garen fuck don't even take a genius no more don't even take a genius I grew up a movie buff I watch trailers you could see it you know all these assholes that did a movie and it was great but they

were on top of their game at the time and when they went to them with sequels they said no no no let's move on like Jim Carrey with that fuck yeah that trap and Santa Claus to which Momo finally went to see after three weeks after the fucking double day canceled he still went three times that was the sign right there not to go see Santa too because they made them years later when they needed the money right they just did it and then they got you just got it just garbage don't even care they don't even they just keep putting out shitty shit yeah breaks even in the box office they sell it international and they make a

little profit or it's a fucking right off I heard the fucking CBS is redoing the honeymoon yeah that's a true story oh my god there's not an original a fucking idea left not an original idea left this new youth is fucking the word garbage dude this is hot garbage garbage and the networks of cave because they don't know what to do they panicked so they said what shows work the honeymoon is they didn't know that was the honeymoon is a Jackie Gleason yeah that was said at the entertainment you know they didn't know that it was fucking Uncle Buck with the fat fuck not fucking the black dude yeah yeah and I got none against nobody I'm

just telling you the truth John can yes John candy was Uncle Buck that's it leave it at that yeah leave it at that yeah leave with a fucking that fuck yes you know the remaking training day as a TV show but they just switched the races I mean you can't say my nigger okay you can't say my yes they doing football and I was using that fucking mutton the Titanic to be wild and seriously though dude you gotta be able to say my have you watched have you weapon you know what I like it oh I like that I think it's brutal you think it's brutal I like it I like Damon Wayans it's tough to play rigs it is it's

real tough to play it took I was such Lee here you go when I got a rest of kidnapping in 1987 Bruce Lee died in 1983 in 1987 if you came to me and said Joe you gotta watch this kung-fu movie I tell you to go fuck yourself I hated kung-fu movies more than ranch dressing just because of your reasons no reason to watch any of the movies without Bruce Lee he was here first I like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris men wear black good guys wear black dude dog coat of silence what was that Bruce Lee where they where they just start like warming up return to the dragon all that shit but Chuck Norris Chuck Norris

about 85 the octagon whatever what was that movie return to the dragon him in Bruce Lee and the fucking Coliseum but until that time I wouldn't see dick like if you came to me with one of your stupid fucking movie ideas back down I tell you go fuck yourself but there was this one dude in Boulder at the car dealership from Detroit Michigan that was my dog his name was Jim Wheeler I lost contact with him 10 years ago he's from fucking where's that comedy club outside of Detroit that's been there Mark Ridley's comedy castle what's the name of that town that's where he was something oh he was from there

Royal Oak he was from Royal Oak Michigan this motherfucker met Bruce Lee and got a book with his autograph the tower G condo he was cool as shit really was a kung-fu dude he fucking came to see me when I was in County the whole thing he got me a job when I came out of County but he kept bugging me before I got arrested the night he kept bugging me for weeks to watch lethal weapon and this movie with this fucking dude Steven Seagal but the one when he's fucking great oh that they really did one good movie and that was when he's on the boat not Tommy Lee and they're doing the first one is tremendous under the first one is

fucking you know which one is the only reason why he made that one on the boat was because it must have been good it was tremendous but what was the name of above the law oh that was a good one I thought he got it twisted okay he made above the law which then he went on led him and made an asshole of himself yeah right asked him if it was the real CIA he wasn't CIA but he was married to Kelly Brock and that's if you're married to Kelly Brock you always welcome at my mother fucker yeah let me smell your hand Kelly Brock and weird science good good movie when you're a kid you had explodes what do you guys want to do

yeah that whole fucking thing but then he released the one when he goes to Brooklyn who shot Bobby Lupo that one wasn't bad with sticks and that's what that's to do from law and order who shot Bobby Lupo and he fights it it's all about the mafia dude I saw you the other day I'm fucking law and order William Forsyte is the gangster in that and you know the girl that Tony Soprano hooks up with that he buys the real estate from that she's hard to kill no no what's the show that that she's on now Viviana Margulies saw something as a name she was Tony Soprano and then she started dating Christopher yeah and then Christopher

was doing heroin with her right it's her first movie she plays a hooker she's the gangsters hooker and Steven Seagal so that's that one yeah the third one was the one the horrible one when he gets shot and he goes into a coma oh yeah that Kelly the Brock and he wakes up and he's fucking no paralysis no fucking what's that thing you go for training after you wake up rehab rehab no nothing no he woke up from a coma and he was throwing sidekicks for Jesus fuck you and then after that it all went down hell and shit yeah who gets out of a coma starts beating people shit his cardio I couldn't work a spoon in my

mouth okay what the fuck I got about he came out of a coma he's been a fucking muscle guys and running for miles almost drowned in applesauce that is fucked up but none other above the law is the real fucking deal my man it's deadly it's a great movie but dude I saw you the other day talking about Alexis all right taking out the trash on that fucking lawn order dude which one the one you were on you're taking out the trash oh I'm telling the cops about the fucking like SVUs or something dude it was great I did two I did two scenes but they fucking cut them they cut the one oh they cut the first one yeah they cut it

was the fucking coldest day of the year my friend you understand me and the fuck I had a $20 bill Lee and I walked into a store and I said hey let me get a pack of cigarettes and something else listen it was $16 fucking dollars and I shot myself I go why why's it $16 for a soda pack of cigarettes go cigarette to 10 that's when I shot that that which had to be 2006 yeah I can't imagine what cigarettes are in New York so next time you go to New York pack heavy in fact there's somebody who could Jean Papa quit cuz he said he went to New York and he went downstairs was $10 a pack he goes I'm done done yeah it was 10 I got a

schnapple and a fucking pack of smokes and it was fucking $17 16 a lottery ticket 17 bucks or something I was like what the fuck Jesus and the wind was coming see this is before I was trying to tell you about global warming and stuff oh yeah but it changed in New York because there were all those tall buildings got built all those buildings along the Jersey coastline facing New York City they all got built so that slows that wind down when I was a kid I still remember I could still go through maybe four nights one night I was coming from Judas Priest at the Palladium I went over there by myself and I

came home my mom had just died she'd been in the grave two weeks I said I'm going to see fucking Judas Priest and I went over there and I got off that Boulevard East bus and I was walking up to Kennedy Boulevard and a wind got me and I was dressed to kill you're like not dressed to kill but like you know Parker hooded sweatshirt boots that wind got a hold of me man my fucking spine almost broke there was one time in Riverton Wyoming yeah I remember the night Freddy Prince died I was a kid and I remember finding out when I was out we were fucking kids and we got you know in those days you drink a bottle of

Boone's farm you know and ended up drinking a fucking like two bottles of Boone's farm and we split like a $10 bag of reefer and I walked through the cemetery this is a shortcut in Northburg and a lot of people a lot of people know about you going through 64th Street right behind the projects okay you come out on 46th Street and you just sometimes you bump into Santa Maria people sometimes you bumped into real devil worship business shit how much time are you saving on this walk with devil worshipers 20 minutes but you're a kid you're just 20 25 minutes because the night you got to walk all line Kelly

Boulevard and then walk down 43rd now you just come you just crawl through somebody's backyard like we had a spot we had made like a little hole just come out of somebody's backyard right there they live bordering the cemetery but I wanted that cemetery it was fucking freezing yeah it was freezing I don't think a shit so you know me I'm a Catholic I'm respectful there's all these fucking old graves I look for the oldest shower wasn't anywhere near like 1891 like 1891 dog I went over there and pulled my pants halfway up and I started looking around real creepy and I took my little dump but when I pulled my

pants on I peed in my pants and the cold weather had frozen them already I had shingles on the outside there were fucking shingles on the outside of like that when it gets iced over yeah oh that's how fucking cold it was like I still remember that night and one night I went to the fucking Island of Insanity Party at Hudson County Park if you go to Hudson County Park in January get so cold that the river freezes in this little island where ducks live all my friends would go across that fucking pond with kegs and I took a fucking quail, oh this is a great start. Do you rape yourself? No, I took a quail as me, this kid

LeBrono and this fucking dude Joe Focke-Racho nobody knew we took these guerrilla biscuits and we knew they were strong so we inhaled these guerrilla biscuits we went to the Island of Insanity we got so fucked up with the Island of Insanity we had a go dog we had a fucking go get something to eat so we went to the Wing Fung it was on it was on Bergenland Avenue we were kids we were professionals Wing Fung? The Wing Fung Chinese restaurant we were on foot so we couldn't walk the chance no we couldn't walk the chance it was fucking freezing we walked out of Hudson County Park we made a left and there was the

Wing Fung but the problem with the Wing Fung was we would always dine and dash and that motherfucker so soon as we walked in these motherfuckers started lining up they called their cousins their uncles so we had money to pay that night you know what I'm saying like we just sat there you gotta keep him off guard we had to keep him off guard now this is kid Joe Focke he's still on Facebook today and he's got a hooked nose and Joe hooked with the notes. Joe LeFocke they used to call him Joe LeFocke so me and Loubs are sitting on the same side and Joe LeFocke is over here we're talking we order egg ribs and pork fried rice and shrimp and lobster sauce

and papapapam and we're reading everybody's eating and pork fried rice with no freezer carrots and all of a sudden Joe Focke Ratchio is fucking feeding his face right he's feeding his face and all of a sudden I could see it was like he ate four stars right he got fucked up Lee and all of a sudden his face he just felt into the Chinese rest into the Chinese food and he's snoring right he's fucking snoring at the table right and I'm with little LeBranon LeBranon's going fuck you I'm embarrassing me. Why would you go to Chinese food after this? because we were fucked up and freezing and in those days you couldn't go home

smelling like reefer and like duck shit so to tame the fucking to tame the high from whatever pill we took we went to the Wing Fong and we fucking ate and we stayed there for like two weeks stayed there till we we ordered extra noodles we took our time because it was ten below fucking zero out there man yeah fuck that that's that's cold Jack and I walked home that night and I fell asleep in the hallway of golebs fucking hallway there was a building next to Dragon Grocery it's still there and it's still called Dragon Grocery on the way down to my house I'm giving on terrorists it's still on the corner there one of the longest

hills in North Bergen it goes this way and there's a Bodega there and next week there's an apartment building I say three floors and you have each floor I knew the girl on the third floor and I bro I must have been freezing that I blacked out by the time I got off Kennedy Boulevard I blacked out I still had a baby blue hooded sweatshirt with like a duck vest yeah like a duck jacket the whole fucking jacket so I was pretty warm I had gloves on and shit but it gets better I wake up in this hallway with this fuck I like I slept in a fucking hallway was it even a hallway or was it the was the alleyway people's

mailboxes are okay so it's it's an hallway it's in yeah I mean it was still cold in there but it was in 22 below I fucking woke up bro I went to the grocery store I bought an orange juice I drank that motherfucker and I tiddly my way down the hill but I know you love orange juice dog I had this fucking jacket right I don't drink orange juice no more can you believe that I used to have this feather jacket in those days and one day my man veneri had a had a Mustang like a the two-door white one that was the only car that the family had that was white it was his sister's and once he got enough holding up to drive

they gave him the Mustang so he's driving on Kelly Boulevard somebody says can you give us a ride home because come on get in we all get in there but my duck jacket gets caught in the hook and he left the window open so within three fucking minutes the wind was hitting the duck and there was feathers he was pissed at me for like six months he don't have this to vacuum feathers out of your car veneri with Tony Benedict I took him a year ago those feathers out of there fuck you so funny Coco you're hilarious

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart he's going through changes tonight see you don't go through these changes we had home with mama holding hands watching fucking cheers I don't eat 11 red stars and one and a half do you not pick up a bag of fucking stars every two Tuesdays yeah but that's a whole bank so what do you do with it you'll stay away this I'm talking about you go on the training as you used to do with me oh yeah baby what's up yep

I'm fucking blabber man you know I was doing a show in Louisville at the old improv when it was there and I ran into Tony Bennett and he said his assistant which was like a 30 year old hot chick and and he was performing the next day and I go mr. Bennett if y'all I just put it out there mr. Bennett I'm a stand-up comic huge fan of your music Anthony and I'd love for you to come over and see the show not didn't think a thing of it just I was a waste of my breath right he came to my show for and stayed two and a half hours for that show I didn't know he was in there and at the end I was doing those finger banging shirts and he

goes hey Ralphie can I get a shirt you know the fingers the fingers and that was the coolest I've ever felt was with Tony Bennett was asking him for a finger make sure he's bad but he's badass 80 something 80 fucking something that song came out the day I was born I know it didn't look it up I believe you that's fucking crazy he's still killing it I saw him last year with Lady Gaga so he's got to be 80 right he's older than 80 I think look at ugly you got the computer the computer you sound like my daughter 90 he's 90 born in 26 yeah fucking heavy-duty my friend that's as good as it gets check that means if he

stops he dies yeah that means if he stops working he dies he knows that he'll get stiff and shit he doesn't want to do that so he keeps fucking moving he probably paces himself probably does a show every other night like black Sabbath was doing yeah three shows a night when you're 60 you know when we had the doctor around here one time I asked him when you prescribed testosterone who are your biggest clients movie stars he goes for a while or football players he goes musicians he goes I had all my musicians have fucking testosterone and they go out there fucking three nights a week yeah and then you know look at you two

is coming back man they're playing Joshua Tray they're playing Bonnaroo this year I don't even want to know what they're charging for tickets I just $300 yeah it's got to be three because Kat Stevens is charging three at the beacon fucking theater last year yes he did yes he fucking did last September 300 a ticket that's them to welcome to the new for what I don't know my friends at Kat Stevens family paid a 300 and I know I know for a fact I heard her tonight and I was thinking about her tickets when she came to a who 300 was white 300 Barbra Streisand 300 was light I was tell me that's a different

audience the first row that was that that's the that's the top Jews oh my god those did they fly over from Israel they take them out of a cave they come over just to be seen in there just to be seen amongst those Jews like that circle you pay $10,000 come on tell me Lee Arugula cookies no she was yeah that's gonna be the new yeah so you know this for a fact you two is charging three yeah yeah yeah and and that's that's the shit seeds I mean that that that's what they're getting at the door okay and everyone I mean they're doing Joshua Tray they're doing just Joshua Tray an album this is fucking amazing

it's amazing album bullet to blue sky the cheapest ticket I can find for their agor agor hells one is standing remotely and it's 50 bucks who fifty-two dollars you two wow so to stand up you have to I don't know like the the place in in Nashville is 300 because I was trying to buy it yeah but they might not now because they just got Bonnaroo they're gonna be playing Bonnaroo it's gonna be 90,000 people there they'll still sell out two nights later in Tennessee dude oh my god don't sell out in Tennessee yeah I don't mean dick with them no but Bonnaroo gets real shitty about that they don't want nobody performing they

didn't want me performing anywhere in Tennessee for like four months before and three months after what's up dog I think most people spend their entire working life like hoping for retirement do you guys think about retiring at all is it is that even a goal I mean and like I'm that could be like doing nothing or doing a couple shows a week I don't like I don't know what what that would even mean for you that's a U2 tribute band no no it's Hollywood U2 and they that that's his opening for them that's a tribute man no Jesus Christ it says it says you to try when you look I swear to God I gotta deal with it's that's his

opening for them do you say I do I swear to God I'm not that I'm not that much in Hills where they planted a Gora Hills the Canyon Club no YouTube not the hour that's no they're not you big dummy Hollywood YouTube you dummy this is what I gotta deal with you some saying as much as you're slipping that's it take a stripe from them I know I'm saying what are gonna play in a Gora Hills there's only the Canyon Club they're not gonna do the fucking Canyon Club they'll play the the staples you say so why are they having on their YouTube what you to website this is Hollywood you don't know you say I do I try I took fine okay

is this a good one are you two in luminaries at the Rose Bowl yes yeah okay at the Rose Bowl the Rose Bowl not the fucking Canyon Club I thought they're opening up at the tour I don't know what the cheese where's fucking where's that song before I remember the Black Sabbath when Ozzy was starting we should just put sound bites on those fucking stars I tell them be careful I know you can't be in training every night okay it's $55 for standing room only at the Canyon Club for a YouTube tribute band okay so do you pay that I don't know I gotta get their fucking emails shit them fucking morons oh my god I went to see the two

oh my god they were so amazing oh my god I'm like March tricking people like me who didn't know and it's a fucking chubby dude how much I must take it and at the Rose Bowl they won 250 fucking huge man it was it was it was a whole 60,000 70,000 oh my god I'll hold on second yeah look at the price of these tickets this is California and for and that was for general admission below up top they went I'm sorry 430 I guess maybe that's a better angle I don't know it's saying do you want to confirm this just make sure that's that's the right I mean I was like 55 I don't think so where has America gone this is why I'm

watching cheers this is okay leave me alone let me alone well no I'm saying it's the same thing it's the same time period in a way what time period not exactly but like they listen to YouTube on cheers no well maybe 80s 90s I don't know I don't know when you two is around are you playing with me I don't know when you two is around are you really trying to drive me crazy when you two started YouTube the first time I'm about YouTube is maybe 82 no you okay 82 so yeah we're out there so they were what they're so good they're really fucking good man really you like you too oh my god yeah and they fucking blow it up in

concert you'll sit there and fucking drool it seems like Bob Bono wouldn't would annoy you he got annoying he got on my nerves on one of the tours he walked on stage with a cane and shit let it go okay but you know what man he shows he's like he shows up and he delivers the goods and the guitar play as a savage the bass play as a savage the drum is a fucking savage they're fucking savages so I ain't mad at nobody I love music I like I like me I like what they did I like the early shit I like some of the shit they play on the radio sometimes I mean I wouldn't go buy it if that's what you're asking me but

I like it I really like the Joshua tree but I ain't paying 250 at the Rose Bowl for shit seats and it's 50 to fucking park and it's not gonna be a you know what I'll buy the fucking CD and put it on my iPod the next time I take a five-hour flight I'll drop three of these stars yeah I'll do it for fucking free man those dudes with those stars need to hook up me up those are great well we'll put up with a fucking email you could take the stars witchy I fucking love it like a another one fuck yeah fuck yeah Lee here's one for you to I'm sure why not this three of them we might as well fuck yeah fuck yeah right come on Lee oh shit

like this Lee oh can I have another water please there's no more water have some of that thank you why can't you just swallow it it tastes pretty good mm-hmm and what he's got about puke watch this he gets fucking I like him I love these drinks oh my god these are I love I personal what do you think Ralphie I think gummies are number one edibles for me yeah that or the old breast strips did you ever try those I came out after the breast drops I didn't oh my god those are great now they extinct for sure yeah nobody's got them nobody one place still got them the place over in San Monica by

last year really right there in Santa Monica mm-hmm if not they should I'd go in and buy them out man I'd go in there and drop $2,000 on those I mean that's a whole that's the whole point within edibles is just to get it over with to do it quickly to not have I mean I don't I like smoking I don't mind smoking but it just doesn't last long enough for me so edibles I think that's that's why I don't like like the big cakes and and the cereal bars some people do they're obsolete those things yeah they're obsolete those big things my god I don't think anybody's are making cakes anymore no no there's a company that hasn't

remember the guy showed up here one day yeah and he had like really delicious stuff but 60 milligrams I'm wasting 3,000 fucking calories yeah no way it's not worth the aggravation it's a fucking huge piece of chocolate cake they got it so but then I don't see baking goods anywhere no and I generally go to four place I got that place buds and roses I got perennial I got the Russians number one and I got the people over by victory there and I don't see those I don't think there's no more banana bread I don't think there's no more banana bread was daily it was delicious I don't think there's any more banana bread people won't

go for that banana bread was you know the stars of seven calories yeah seven fucking calories you don't even know this in your system and that you wake up to pee at two and it's real yellow but that's it it's glowing in the dark you wake up a while in the morning go oh shit that star has some kick to it yeah that fucking mule look at that toilet it's shining it looks like that shit what's the old man movie the shit they stole from the moon and put in the pool what's that movie with cocoon oh cocoon yeah it's close like cocoon in shit yeah right you wake up at two you pee with those stars at death you're like that kid needs

working overtime Jack I know we're putting the strain on those motherfuckers steroids and kill that fucking liver speaking up Ralph Jojo he has tried to or doesn't try to he does torture me he's the best me with his boogers and I think you must have been around at that time has he ever seen him eat a booger who cocoa eat a booger yeah no no no my favorite Joey booger story is we were at the comedy store in like 2000 okay and me and Joe Diaz were the only one smoking weed okay up there there were a bunch of lame-os it just wasn't in me and Coco were it and we kept on getting the

ear beating from this black guy who said he was a producer from Fox he was just doing this to come into the shows he probably wasn't even a PA a production assistant you know this guy was there and he was so fucking annoyed and telling us about what TV show we should do is stuff like this and Coco I guess he had a head called and the boogers the boogers he was pulling out Lee they were they were like hard at the at the at the beginning and then like really thick and wet at the end I've seen okay you know what I'm talking about those those they're amazing it's like half trisket half snail okay and he'd take those and and he

go to this guy and like and rub him in okay that guy must have had 20,000 snots on the back of his jacket by the end of the night Coco I saw this one too Lee he got one going on one finger all right and then went with the other nostril with the thumb with the thumb all right and so he had two and that one looked like a fucking seagull shit on that guy's shoulder it was so thick and it was amazing and this guy was such a fucking asshole it was the most tremendous I used to put snacks on my high school teacher mr. zinc I used to hang out with a daughter he's to wear the same black jacket every day and once or

twice a week I go up to him and tap on the show and say what up mr. zinc his back had fucking thousands a little dry but that guy the producer was the fucking best man that was the best man there's so many charlatans that came to the store so many so much shit so many people called me and sent me emails it's just so much bullshit it's I don't think people understand it's not the auditions and the other shit that was shit it's the fucking bullshit I think that's the the fucking key this just to avoid those people there is so much bullshit you have to cut through when you first move in at first you look at

these people and you're like really you're doing this and then you find out the fucking extras they're so full of shit oh my god oh my god if somebody's doing a day extra work all of a sudden they starred in this movie or you may have seen them in that movie it's like no no one saw him in that movie you know it's just annoying as shit but speaking of movies to you gotta tell does the church know about the Eminem story does the church know about the Eminem when we throw it on someone in the movie and it bounced off his fucking head oh okay okay all right all right the guy had the Eminem he was showing it to the manager but he had a big ass bald head and he had a red spot where you hit him with that fucking Eminem

you're triggering me right now Ralphie Lee it was that it was a fucking peanut Eminem so that fucking red spot that's how I've heard it you were whipping him at this point no I don't think we're whipping him no you whipped the cuddle you whipped the cuddle motherfucker it wasn't just the lob it was a BAM

no no no what I was doing was I was pulling him up in the air let me tell you there was a couple of overhanded man there was a couple of overhanded you went to a whole big fucking box of fucking Eminems because I bought them and I'm fat and I wanted them yeah me too that's what I was thinking why are you throwing these over but not the bag the box those big boxes when they used to do it right oh my god and that guy getting hit yeah it wouldn't be better to lob it because it's gonna pick up steam you probably feelin at the top of the movie you hear the Eminem in his head

he had it he had it wet in his head and then the movie started I thought the movie he was looking for the Eminem he looked back he had the flashlight on he had the club manager in there he had everything in there I'm sitting there like I don't know what the fuck's going on right he knows it's us or the black dude in the corner he's looking at the black dude

oh my god oh jeez it was fucking terrible he knows it's me and Ralphie there's nine people in the movie did yeah it's either me and Ralphie or this black dude sitting there by himself with his hand on his cheek like Napoleon and he's looking it up like it's either curtain number one or curtain number two he takes the pin and he goes out there the movie ends I thought he went home because his head hurt I thought he went home I told you you binged him I told you you binged him

well that's hell you I told you I knew his head hurt we need to hear Ralphie I thought he went home to put ice on his head right the movie finishes I forget all about this fucking dude we're walking out and he's got the fucking peanut like a baggie with fake

like evidence oh my god and we're dying lining it up to the bruise on his head I need this fingerprint oh god cucker it's so funny there has to be like a facebook group for all the people that you tortured throughout the years look we don't know who the he is

he's a mass man let's set your ass on fire I'm gonna be honest with you guys I've been the king of the lob I'm the type of guy that'll get a rock and go five feet away from the corner of a roof like the 11th floor and I won't even look down

I just go whoops and take my chances and then take the elevator down and see if there's somebody down on the floor or if I went through a windshield when I was a kid I was fucking crazy man rocks, panties

I thought I could get up to that roof and get away with I would throw it off the roof I didn't give a fuck I was crazy I did not know when you're five or six and you're running around you don't know and you don't give a fuck and then my family took me to Puerto Rico

we went to fucking San Juan and we got in a hotel and the hotel was we had like the fifth floor and my mom and the ladies went out it was just ladies and me it was me, the kid's name was Johnny Crespo and there was another kid there

I forget my mom's were all friends I had to be like seven and when they left I went out in the balcony and started throwing ice cubes off the fucking balcony and I could see the island I would throw like ten of them

and get the timing right you know something like a couple would be walking all of a sudden it landed on me and they were like fuck you and they walked sideways and keep walking so I would sit there for like 10 minutes and that one night

right there, right through it and I saw the thing hit this dude and he goes to town his wife goes to town and I run into my room I put the bucket in and within like 20 minutes

they knocked on the door I had to be taking the stretcher the whole fucking deal they measured where the ice cube could have came from they wanted to check the balcony they checked the balcony some of the ice cubes fell out there was water now

so they asked us to leave and they were going to press charges I told you I was a devil when I was a kid though I was into all that shit that was my world throwing shit at people and tormenting people that was my fucking world

I don't know if you remember but I do, do you have a did you feel like it was exciting to do did you know it was wrong I remember the kid doing stupid stuff I used to buy it my mom had a bar

and in the jukebox there were 45s okay and I lived on the third floor on 205 West 88th street and there used to be like a parking garage where people would park their cars in that huge corner so I would take the 45s and whiz them out my window

and they would whiz out and go down and from time to time he'd hit somebody and go what the fuck like that would hit him with a 45 to the head and then I turned to you know once my dad and I thought about this

when I'm writing this book I thought about that time period it was a scary time period for my mom and I went behind 88th street and I started to lighten little papers I loved doing that shit you light one paper, you light two papers and you push the envelope

until the side of the building is on fire and I gotta tell you something guys to this day I remember taking my dick out and pissing like this is gonna put out that fire that was your first thought to pee on it and I peed on it and I ran away and I went to my room and 10 minutes later I saw the fire department back there and shit

and I was giggling toys I was one of those crazy fucks some of the house is burned down and you're giggling man Coco have you ever told them about what you used to do to Bobby Slayton no no leave Bobby

please leave him alone please don't leave him alone please don't go drama over there there's no drama I talked about it with him this summer we were dying laughing no you didn't I did are you not gonna tell these people

no no no oh my god I feel bad I can't hey listen Bobby alright I need you to go outside alright there's a rock right by your mailbox underneath that rock is a package

alright I tell you what cuz I gotta go pick it up you go out there leave your money there alright alright the best was and I talked to him he told me where he was at on Friday night he told me

where he was at on Thursday so he's in Tempe let's say he's in Tempe alright I know if he's in Tempe I know the hotel he's staying in okay so he can't figure this out I would call the hotel

I'd have this lined up from Thursday once he told me on Tuesday where he was going I would start my torture chamber on Thursday he would ask me if I knew anybody in that town and I said I'm not sure but let me call the blind Mexican

my torture chamber and I'd make up a name of somebody who was down there and he had a particular type of cocaine I wouldn't know at this time I would tell him I was El Chapo's cousin he's got the coke from 1984 you know

but I would start setting him up on Wednesday I would ask him were you taking some down there with you I'm taking a little bit but I'm probably going to run out by Saturday perfect I'd cave him I'm going to talk him into doing it on Friday night I'm going to talk him into doing it on Thursday

so Friday night he's got to struggle and by Saturday I got him on a hook I got him walking miles to the corner making a left down this alley you know what I'm saying all for no pay off for you I'm at home

hollering my ass off 10 minutes later alright so I'm on the listen it's 2 in the morning it's 1.30 in the morning I get home I'm stoned it's 3 in Houston it's probably 5 in New York

so let's say I know Ralphie's in New York I'll call Ralphie 3 in the morning he knows and if he's up he'll pick it up and I'll break his balls by spellbinding that we did the floor or something when I get off the phone with him

I leave him with like a question I go Ralphie let me know if I can do that weekend whatever and when I get off the phone with him I'm like who can I torture and I call this is where I had Slate in the box by this time he's looking all over Tempe he can't find no blow

and this is when I set him up you know what I tell him I get him perfectly I call the hotel ask him what the name of the bar is on the corner I call the club no yelp I call the club asking who the waiter is well I'm a professional

no and I would call him up and I call him up Thursday I call him up Thursday at 5 I know he's in this hotel room he just had a vodka he just did one little blast he's listening to the stones he thinks he's Keith Richards

about 5.45 is when I put the first call into him what's going on I'm sitting here hey did you find out if you get me any I said listen I'm waiting for you right now on the amount but I did speak to the chapeau's cousin and he's

on the meal right now I'm going to give it to my friend who's going to bring it to you on Friday night you know that junk you brought down with you do it get that away because you don't even want this around you when this shit comes up to you the shit they're bringing is what the

three wise men showed up with and I get him salivating at the mouth and then I call him again at 10 I tell him I got in touch with him I got in touch with him and what does he want I don't know 2 or 3 grand you know what I like you they're going to bring you

one big fucking rock wait for me tomorrow okay and then he'd call me all day and I wouldn't answer the call he could come call me at my house going nope nope he'd be calling me all day

and I'd be setting him up and then I call him and I go Bobby where you at listen good news he's on his way click hang up on him you know what I'm saying where you at listen Bobby hold him you're there

Bobby you're there I'm here I'm here pick up and then hang up the next day is when the torture really began okay so I call him and I go to the corner to the stage coach bar sit at the table and ask for fucking

Manny the waiter I get him going and he wouldn't know whether to ask him or Manny the waiter was in the town and then once that foiled he'd call me back but see it's like jiu-jitsu I did the first attack but I'm already anticipating the second

by the time he calls me he's going to say I went into that place I sat there for three fucking hours and the fucking waiter didn't say nothing to me his name was Manny I go what the guy look like I don't know what the fuck they all look the same you know he's Mexican he's 5 foot 8 brown this guy's fucking white

you stupid but he's gone now now the mule's coming and then I would call him that night and tell him to meet him at the fountain down by the university of fucking Arizona state down there walk to the fountain

but I can't it's raining go to the fountain he's gonna meet you at the fountain would you ever go like real deep like but don't take your car they could see you take a bus oh I would no no I took him to those murky ones okay listen I was there when Coco said that he had the

yellow Peruvian gold okay and Bobby you can hear Bobby oh my god I haven't had that in forever it's a Peruvian gold alright and Bobby I'll put it outside I'll put it in your mailbox

in a little envelope for you alright I'll be right there alright have that goddamn money don't fuck around this time Bobby don't fuck him don't fucking and then you hang up and we'd sit there for three hours laughing I would have

I would have three co-dealers on the hook at one time and I would torture two of them like if they said to me I'm gonna leave it in my mailbox oh you just doomed yourself because that comes with a thousand stories and by the way

this is exactly how he does whenever we're doing like a lot of edibles or something like that he'll call me starting two nights before I'll tell Paula to say to mothers do you have your engine I don't want to find you on the floor you know what I'm saying

laughing what two nights oh my god I'm saving that acid to crack him when he sees this acid I'm waiting for the fucking perfect night you almost give me a panic attack on Wednesday by the way that's why

I took a lift here by the way I never do that anymore I took a lift here I tortured me for about 36 hours and I was convinced that it was the strongest most potent in the world and I was gonna freak out did you take a lift home then

I had to my car wasn't here laughing so funny so talk to me about this fucking Vegas thing man it's great we're at Harris how many weekends a month first it's gonna be four

I'm starting next week and I go for four weeks so four weeks straight here in Vegas yeah it's just Thursday Friday Saturday one show at 10 o'clock it's the best show in Vegas Thursday Friday Saturday

10 o'clock that means you can go out have dinner at a reasonable time get some drinks in you come see me you're done at 11 30 and that's perfect that's when Vegas starts rockin you know it's so much fun

so they go right from you to fucking play in blackjack fuck yeah I'll be up there with them these guys at Harris I mean Harris is a Caesar's property they give me chips to go out and gamble with I'm gonna be on the $5 chip

that's fucking cool you know these guys are really really spending a lot of dough they're giving away trips we ought to do one on here bro you know you love your fucking fans the church people I love them why don't we send

a couple of them out there to Vegas whatever you want brother let me get it together church members listen up we're gonna fucking get a thing together where you listen to Coco alright and my brother Lee man I will fly you to Vegas

wherever you are Canada too wherever the fuck you are I'll fly you to Vegas on me we'll put you up you come to the show alright maybe we can get some of those stars or something I don't know we'll work something out okay alright so I'm talking to you guys

like Dee in Colorado Noble Darren Noble hello him and my man Uki Uki Spooky I love that guy Uki Spooky Tammy Winkler she's bad she's everywhere let's give some shout out that's why you mentioned this shit

Paulo O'Forglowe Louis Hector Jesse Lindquist Dom De Niro my brother MMA Insider the fucking Spanish German Leon Vega there she is Tammy Winkler Uki Spooky Julian

Thomas and Horning I love you motherfuckers thank you for always doing your thing our friend Bobby Sharon had the cold today or the flu so everybody's got the fucking cold something man yeah I told him to get well he put something up there

no this is good you're in Vegas for four weeks straight yeah man everything slows down for a while and then where do you go for two weeks after that I'm going of those two weeks I've got a weekend in Canada at two casinos Calgary and Winnipeg

and then I think I got a week off and then I'm back at Harris for a couple weeks and then I go to yeah and then I go to Australia I'm in Australia for two weeks and you come back to Harris yep go right back to Harris

this is pretty this is how many weeks all together 28 28 weeks and you know the deal that throwing at me is phenomenal you know I mean I can't ask for anything better a suite that's bigger

than any apartment that we've ever had and you're going to stay there all weekend no well I'll stay there Thursday Friday Saturday and I'll get the fuck out dude I'm like I'm taking a page out of Dr. Coco's book Sunday is for my house

my family I either got to go see my dog or I got to come see my kids or something you know but I can't be in Vegas more than three days in a row it's crazy though especially when you like buffets

I love buffets I hate buffets yes I'm going to do you a favor Lee any food you're eating at a buffet somebody did not want that food they picked something else besides that that's disgusting think about that they're all breathing on it

they got AIDS they got those little plastic they don't stop AIDS look how he knows that don't stop AIDS I know if I love buffets I miss a Chinese

buffets from back east good you're lucky you're too fat to do that you can't do that I love that but I love it if I lived in Vegas I'd go every day that's disgusting I wouldn't let you I hate love disgusting food

what do you mean everything bad everything bad I love it seriously I love burgers not buffets buffets are like Asian food

like dumplings Chinese food I hate breakfast buffets I like brunch why you can make eggs or 8 dollars and they always charge like 30 bucks for breakfast let me tell you something because you're young you don't know

blow jobs and egg benedicts exactly the same you can only get them in hotels okay? that's it you can't get them nowhere else I'm telling you that's what you want man that eggs benedict is the fucking what's up

I'm excited that you're taking a breather yeah and you'll come back here on Wednesdays or on Sundays yeah I'll be doing a lot of Los Angeles press so I'll be coming in on those off days and stuff maybe I can come in here and hang out with you guys

I love it even if you got other guests I just want to hang out with you still drive by Ghana when you come to town every time I'm gonna do it tonight it does it keeps me humble I remember

where I fell in front of my house where you thought Ralphie get up they're gonna think I mugged it they're gonna take me to jail Ralphie about a month ago something happened there was a lot of traffic on Laurel Canyon so I went the long way

it was like 1.30 in the morning and I shot up that street I parked under that tree and it was pretty for like 10 minutes man it was like I was waiting for you it was like for fucking 5 minutes I just thought about Ricky

and I thought about Gavin yeah Celine and the fucking sisters from Houston I thought about Doug Stan help and this fucking crazy buddy who had the apartment originally Matt Becker

and just how many years we were down there walking around what about that neighborhood man I mean Dougie was there Mitch Heberg was there you were there I mean everybody was in that neighborhood yeah it was a great little neighborhood man

and you gotta see it now it's like you know there used to be that hotel on the corner right on Vista was that Hooker hotel right it was like a dead Hooker hotel I remember making a turn one day and seeing

the pool and it was fucking algae with cigarettes and there was a condom floating I don't forget looking up and there was a mom with three kids and a husband and they were tourists

you know like when they sent them the picture the hotel, the pool and they were fucking I remember going what a waste to come to fucking California there but there used to be a print shop there on the corner Charlie Chan printing

I gave that motherfucking millions of dollars in the beginning from printing the resumes headshots Charlie Chan Charlie Chan there used to be this kid I don't know how the fuck I met him it was right around the time

in the longest yard when weed was starting to percolate and he just popped out of somewhere and he had this weed that killed Lincoln fucking Louis Pasteur this weed was fucking everybody up

he was a Dallas Cowboy thing he would avoid that too on his head and he would always give me weed like sell me weed but it was fucking a high power and he was a guy that got so fucked up in LA one night he went out with his friends

took a pill didn't even know got on a plane and woke up in fucking Florida and they called his parents and they put him to rehab for six months in Florida did they even let him leave Florida? like something weird man

like it was just the story was amazing I forget what the fuck his name was I can't believe he just came into my mind right fucking now weird situation we met some fucking characters down there man that was

that was a long fucking time listen next week I'll be here 20 fucking years wow 20 fucking years on February 19th on my 54th birthday I'll be a regular at the store 20 fucking years

wow wow I never did nothing just to be at the and dog the whole time I'm at 18? oh my god yeah you were here right after me you came right after me

oh my god damn cocoa it don't seem like it's been that long Marcy you had the manager and had the cancer one foot in the grave and another on a banana pill Robby you gotta sign with jimmy misson

yeah let's go you cracked me with that one I was a nice kid my manager when I first got here she signed me in San Antonio

during the latino lab festival they fucked up and let me go first and I got a standing o alright so she signed me on the spot come out here and within a week and a half two weeks I found out she's got terminal cancer alright

alright someone tell me what happened to me alright she had terminal cancer my homies are being out here I've already said fuck everybody in Houston fuck you I'm going to LA suck my dick and now my manager is fucking dying

but she had you she had monique marquez or somebody yeah she had medina she was a little kind of fucking dirty right one day I called from there and she goes listen to me I just got off the phone with these casting people at CBS

I had done dick at that time I had done the pilot for CBS and maybe baseball maybe not she called me at that time I was getting tormented by people I was at Ken Phillips

yeah okay and I was getting tormented by weird things weird offers in those days there was a guy that went to the comedy store every night to torment a bunch of comedians and that was one of them

and he had a company that booked extras and he would come to the comedy store and go what are you doing tomorrow I'm going to put you in the lead like he would come around while they were shooting titanic I moved here when they were shooting titanic everybody had a job for you in the titanic they had four different casting people

sending 50 people a day down to Rosarito, Mexico to work on the titanic you would go to a place, they'd take a picture you went to an hour, you were in a fucking van taking you to Rosarito they had the ship there

parked, they put you on there and you didn't know you were going to be union, you might not be non-union you were in titanic? no, no, no, that was the big ticket sell when I got here so if you wanted to get to be in a movie you'd go to Rosarito, Mexico

and they cast you for the day at the end they had all those violin plays and all those things there was thousands of people on that fucking boat or at least it looked like it that was the hot job every fucking backstage everybody could get you

an extra job in the titanic but this specific company would be at the store every night tormenting me listen, you could be in the movie tomorrow what if the director likes you and he upgrades you and he gives you a line you know, come on down tomorrow morning take ahead a Polaroid

what do you need a Polaroid for? and then I would question what do you need a Polaroid for? somebody told me I got the part, yeah tomorrow I get it for you, they just need a Polaroid to see what size shirt you wore what the fuck so they cost you $40

so in those days you were getting $35 a day something fucking crazy like you were getting like $75 a day or something and you had to pay him $30 or something crazy that's no fucking deal you know, there were a lot of guys but you used to spend all day in a bus to Mexico

yeah, but I wasn't going to Mexico people fell for that fucking trick weren't right, you want to go to Mexico? I'll get you an extra Titanic too cock second so I get a call from her I'm salivating the mouth for a role to fucking

because they didn't like me as a stand-up comic and there was a hot show at the time I forget what the fuck the show was and she called me one day and she was telling me her father owned a Latin chord he knew Cuban people and the whole thing and she goes, I really like it

I like to work with you she goes usually when a manager signs you don't have a job you're going to make $10,000 on her some shit she goes, they want to meet with you this afternoon sign with me, come to my office sign with me, I'll send you right to the audition

I was like, you know what, send me on the audition and then we'll talk what the fuck, there's no trustee and she was like, no, you got to come down and sign the paperwork and I thought that was something kinky and then a week later Ralphie came up to me and he's like, she's dying what are you thinking? I'm like, you know what

say lobby bitch go sign with the laugh factory she's dead and buried this guy's over there what are you doing, Ralphie? she put any money in your pocket? the laugh factory was the hottest club the hot club

the improv was hot on Mondays and trendy on Thursdays when I mean hot I mean that if you had a set at the laugh factory three nights in a row something was going to happen you either got an agent you got an audition

you got a commercial that's how the first three roles were just industry all the time all the time I can't tell you how many auditions I got just when doing Monday nights you'll be asking about a show

how many auditions, how many fall on Monday nights when that genre was very hot that was the hottest show in LA Pablo, Carlos and Willie going in there every Monday and then Paul George Lopez are going in there

it was really a fucking deadly Monday it was the hottest Monday night then they had Freaky Monday and that got really hot that was the genre at the improv that was a great night because they put white dudes up until about 8.35 then about 8.35 they put like a mixed guy up

like somebody confused a white dude with an afro or somebody they would put David Tell up he would kill that motherfucker and they would start Black Knight, he would David Tell would go up there on those Monday nights and sizzle that fucking room blow that fucking room up

I believe that I was laughing at the white guy with the afro that spot that 8.35 spot they always reserved for somebody who was on the rough side because then the black show started so why did they call it Freak what did they call it Freaky Night? Freaky Monday

it was Freaks hot chicks were there that's where all that bottle service it started all that shit of Freaky Monday Freaky Monday then fucking they incorporated Miami everywhere else but Freaky I'm not saying there's a city

I'm saying there's an improv I'm saying there's an improv that was the first club to really have Monday nights and then Monday night at the Laugh Factory was Latino night banging sold out Monday at the Comedy Store was an open mic

52 people that's how different it was then the improv was packed the comedy store had nobody there comedy store was nobody on Monday night 50 fucking people watch that microphone okay there's another slip out and shit

you'll be cool no you're cool brother there was a complete different Tuesday nights the main room at the comedy store was 500 people the original room had 8 people tops I remember leaving the bars

to walk over there to do the spot cause you needed to have 15 bucks but there was guaranteed 8 people Wednesday night 64 Thursday night 110 or it was sold out on Thursday night and then Friday and Saturday was sold out

but it was always dead the comedy store now it's completely different now there's only the place to go it's the only place to go the improv at the Laugh Factory is dead that's how it changes it's not that the club is better now

the club was where Pride was there they'd gone through some years it was rough at the comedy store man you remember those nights we went up there trying to get our 15 fucking dollars and then like Eddie Griffin come in

do an hour and a half and Andrew do an hour and a half and then somebody else Paul Mooney would do an hour and then there would be a comic up there and you wanted to try material not only you wanted to try material let's be honest

you needed the 15 fucking dollars we needed it you count on that 15 fucking dollars they paid Jerry 2 weeks it was like if you got the main room in 3 spots you were okay I mean you weren't going to pay the rent with that

no but it was nice they kept in Chinese food and reefer it wasn't bad man it's pretty interesting green tea house the green tea house and Hoy's Walk before the podcast started Ralph and I

were talking about how many people we had been out here with and we were talking about what they were doing now and it's pretty funny how we weren't saying nothing bad about them we were just talking about

the situation that the only reason we're in this position here is because we stayed here this isn't no genius fucking move just outlast everybody else that's it is it tough skin

is it what is it we just stuck it out we just believed in the dream and stayed and things happened Ralph he's been kicking ass for 12 fucking years but this is what the podcast would lead the whole thing

this is 20 years in the making we were doing this without the cameras and the internet 25 fucking years 20 years ago at night after the comedy store till 4 in the morning every night oh my god drinking Bloody Marys Lee and I was you

getting fucked up on new drugs all the time it was awesome it was awesome 4 in the morning Lee how long you know me how many nights have you seen me know those years of 4 in the morning the only time is when we woke up to get an early fight that's it we got never 2 for the morning

we'd be up till 4 talking laughing listening to music giggling talking about fucking comedy and the politics and kind of me set my hair on fire and who he had worked with and

it seemed like such a long time ago but it really wasn't really isn't it crazy it's weird Coco I mean 20 years giggling god damn it man when you got here

and when you were skinny and you were showing your dick on Doug Stan Hope's fucking door with the picture okay did you fucking know that you would be here for 20 fucking years no at that time

when I was doing that and acting that way and having a great time and doing blow hanging out with the stripper chick I thought I would last 3-4 years up here yeah how close did he get to move back like did he

seriously think about it or not when I got into that that last fucking tussle with the stripper that fucked my head up for a month or two I got on a plane and went right to Miami for like 5 weeks

and he paid me like 500 bucks a week and I bought clothes again and I bought a black bag and I bought t-shirts and underwear I mean I had to start from fucking scratch guy I had to start from fucking scratch where was all your stuff

I got towed in the apartment the apartment got towed I couldn't get into the trunk the fucking headshots the boxing gloves the frisbee I got a lot of your clothes out no no

nobody got nothing that motherfucker they had that car on the high patrolling shit dude they did there was no way they would even let me go in the fucking trunk I begged them at that police station guys you can keep the car

I'm done I understand let me take my shit out nope they caught me while I was taking a shower and all my shit was in the car I was taking a fucking shower the girls house in Van Nuys the tickets were from Hollywood

and I went out and the car was fucking gone I knew they were gonna clip it any day and in those days I'd always take my big bag of clothes in with me but that particular day I just wanted to take the little set of clothes and they got me in fucking Van Nuys

and that was the end that I caught with all that shit and her and I got into a fucking a blow up and I'll never forget I threw a fucking ribeye at her on the street she maced me and I threw something at her

the tooth and then she threw a roll of pennies at me and I'll never forget that once she got in a car and I said to myself I just threw a pot roast at her or something like an uncooked that was marinating that we were driving in the car

I said you know what this relationship has to fucking and I called Joe Chadwick in Miami and I got them to give me the American Express number and I got a plane ticket and I went to Miami for like five weeks and there was

what's that fucking store that the clothes are real cheap TJ Maxx even cheaper Marshalls Old Navy they had an Old Navy and coconut grove that had winter clothes

for dollars because who buys winter clothes I would go to Miami in January and they would buy winter jackets for January for two weeks there would be three, five fucking six bucks out of a brand new bag and fucking jacket for the winter on the road

you know shit like that I just bought clothes in there it was uh I came back I stayed on Ralphie's floor on the couch come on the couch, the floor, John Westling

we made Westling sleep on the floor the big guys got comfortable spots but when Lee this is the truth when we couldn't sleep we you know we're all talking it's a studio apartment

and just get quiet and then Joe Diaz and Fart and then like Gangle and then we'd start laughing and fucking whatever it was else from Fart we couldn't get no sleep so go go go put on that Joy Medina album

and we put on his comedy album oh my god it had it was a bootleg a show of his and we never made it past five minutes we were all out no you did not, I swear to god every time

it was like hey how far did you get how far did you get how far did you get oh my god we never got past six minutes how many comics friends go to like insane asylums like I can't imagine being a friend

of the guys from brutal like listen to someone like they're a year or more of their hard work and you're like I'm going to sleep in six minutes this is better than a long time we didn't sleep but it's the truth that's what we did

I mean was it better to lie or is it better to tell the truth oh tell the truth alright then I love it I'm just saying man Ralphie I wish you all the luck in Vegas I'm happy you're doing this

thank you sir you've been on the road a long fucking time a long time man a lot of miles bro you've got none to prove, theaters small arenas, comedy clubs crushing it it's nice you went to Vegas

you take a little breather you get some sun you breathe some desert air yeah man and you know it's like yeah you know I get to work out I get a steady thing going you know

I'll be in just two time zones a week not six like we were in December okay you know I'll just be in my house or in Vegas and it's like that's the greatest I mean it don't get much better than that

you always you can't wait to travel in this one day you know what this fucking one hour and a half before the flight should get the fucking old yeah man today we were thinking that man let me read these

things and we'll get you the fuck out of here alright Coco I love you no I love you too I'm happy you came on tonight man you're fucking fans dude they're great people

they're fucking family they're gentlemen they're so gentleman they're so nice they order tons of food they get cut this is why I do this on the other day

at least you would have died I almost sent you there I told you you're looking for sponsorship you know this and media and this and it's all bullshit because I don't want nobody fucking with these people you know what I'm saying if anybody's gonna fuck with them it's gonna be me

let me fuck with my own people I love these guys and I play music I have a good time man I would have done it anyway you gotta say put something out there for them to get motivated you put a periscope tape out I get fucked up

I love your periscopes you know man listen it's an outlet now that we don't have to fucking wait to pitch something that's it those days are done you feel like doing something do it who gives a fuck what you're saying do it

that's it if you start with 3 people eventually you're gonna get 4 eventually you're gonna get 8 and then you're gonna get 12 now what bitch now what I got 12 people watching me now for a week you're gonna get 13 but you keep doing it

and one day you'll get right up to 38 I don't even know how the fuck that happened nobody's special here bro we just believed in that dream and kept doing it we hung in there fuck yeah Coco showing up bitch that's more than half the fucking battle in life

show the fuck up you know I mean when people wouldn't show up who got their spots me and Coco cause we were there early we had no spots we were getting them and smoking weed out back on the steps like doctors

you get to that spot early fuck yeah you do you get to that spot early it's like that fucking first line in the oh how come nobody keeps me waiting when they're looking to borrow that's my favorite fucking line in that movie damn that's a good movie

anyway me on these has been on the podcast for a long fucking time now and for one reason one reason only they're comfortable I like how they feel and I wear them when I go to the gym tight plus they have a fabric and they keep me a nut sack

nice and fucking clean if I said it once I said a thousand times when I had the surgery last time from my nose I couldn't bathe for a day and a half the next day I went in there I took a whiff and they smelled like hip hop mogul you understand me

and you know why because of me on these special material called Moldaw but listen this Valentine's Day that they can unwrap again and again matching underwear from me on these who's better than you Valentine's Day it's near and it's go to

time for the thoughtful gift hunting me on these has covered you with limited edition matching pairs of on these for you and yours as Valentine's Day got you stumped forget the cliches and give a gift that looks great

feels great and will make everybody happy me on these you ever give a girl a pair underwear you knock them right off their fucking horse you understand me the only thing is make sure the size is right because if you give them a big pair they're going to smack you right in the face

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go to me on these dot com right now slash joey and get 20% off your first order and free shipping who's better than you cocksuckers alright here we go let me ask you people something are you hiring do you know where to post your

job to find the best candidates posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates if you want to find the perfect hire to post your job on all the top job sites and now you can you ready with ziprecruiter.com

you can post your job to 200 plus job sites including social media networks like facebook and twitter you ready for this one with a single click find candidates in any city or industry nationwide

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find out today why ziprecruiter has been used by fortune 100 companies and thousands of small and medium sized businesses and right now my listeners can post jobs on ziprecruiter for free by going to ziprecruiter.com slash church

again ziprecruiter.com slash church that ziprecruiter.com slash church one more time that ziprecruiter.com slash church all right do me a favor

go post jobs on ziprecruiter right now for free I want to thank Anit I want to thank me on these and I want to thank ziprecruiter but most of all I want to thank my brother Ralphie May for stopping in thank you so much Coco you know I hope you guys

it's a pleasure man listen man if you haven't gone to Vegas I'll tell you what you look at his calendar you pick a date you go on the hotel thing Leo fucking help you you pick a cheap fucking hotel whatever you need to do to get there

you know from time to time you deserve a break they got great deals in Vegas they got fucking great deals if you look for those things it's a really it's a nice hotel that's reasonable and the thing I like about Harris is it's right on that

rail line I think almost positive even in Harris so that means the MGM it's connected to the entire strip you go for a couple days you see Ralphie you get a massage you take your wife you come on the titties you get a nice fucking dinner

there's a fuck you only live once like I said Ralphie would be there how many weeks Coco it's gonna be 28 weeks this year and this is what I'm talking about people you got 28 fucking weeks to fly in and make a weekend of it all right you church people y'all come up to me you tell me

you're part of the church what's happening now and guess what you we're taking pictures and hanging out I'm probably hitting you up for a number all right so don't come empty handed Jack let's go I love you mother fuckers don't forget I'm in Nashville next week fuck yes and

I don't know what's gonna happen with the flap this thing for the taping for the cat special because they put me on the gong show by mistake so I don't even know if we're doing that tonight but I'll tweet and you come on Thursday night all right and that's basically it Ralphie starts where this weekend I'll be

in Harris at in Las Vegas right there on the strip Coco Thursday what the 26th Thursday 26th Friday 27th and Saturday 28th at 10 o'clock Saturday 29th was my first pinch

1982 January 1983 I got pinched was that the jewelry job? Nah possession of some tools and shit Mr. Holloway bail me out you know how we do what's up Lisa you going through changes again?

I am I'm just I don't know why why because you don't try you're fucking lying the reason why I'm bugging out is because Ralphie said that they give you chips when you go that's like my dream and Harris you come Leigh

you're gonna be a part of church weekend Ralphie I'll be there every day we'll see if we can get Coco to go out there and maybe we'll make a big thing of it me you bring the girls if they want to come I get I get spas so I'll send Terry to the spa like a doctor alright we'll go down there and get massages

and get steams and shit like that that's the best it's better than you alright and we do that we go to Vegas having fun we bring some church people in you know my man Darren Noble wants to come out those fools

dude all my friends are watching us right now my twitter is blowing up oh shit they love us I love them they can't do nothing about it I know it's like Coco you know it's like if we can't fucking have fun with our fans that are friends of ours

what the fuck are we doing this for you know it's like you see those comics who try to big time everybody it's like what the fuck are you doing man these are the people that love you that pay your fucking bills it's a fucking nightmare it's like a jungle sometimes and makes you

know how I keep them going under hit it Lee I love you motherfucker stay black and don't forget Uncle Joey Ralphie May and Lisa I love you we'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday night same bad time same bad channel

mama told me when I was young was that beside me my only son and listen closely to what I say and if you do this

it'll help you some sunny day I will take your time don't live too fast troubles will come they will pass we'll find a woman

and you'll find love and don't forget son there is someone up above up above and be a simple kind of man or be something

you love and understand baby be a simple kind of man or want to do this for the son if you can get your lust for the rich man's gold

all that you need is in your soul and you can do this if you try all that I want for you my son is to be satisfied and be a simple

kind of man or be something you love and understand baby be a simple kind of man or want to do this for the son if you can

baby baby baby baby baby baby oh don't you worry you'll find yourself

follow your heart that has you can do this baby if you try all that I want for you my son is to be satisfied

and be a simple kind of man or be something you love and understand baby be a simple kind of man or want to do this for the son

if you can baby be a simple kind of man or be something you love and understand