Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #450 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: January 26, 2017

Eleanor Kerrigan, Comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first three meals free and free shipping! Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/25/2017.


The church of what's happening now is presented by Onit. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with the pre-proportioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash joey. That's blueapron.com slash joey. The show is also brought to you by Lyft. Drive with Lyft. It's the ride sharing app that lets you be your own boss, pick your own hours, and earn up to 1500 bucks a week driving your own car. Sign up today at lyft.com slash joey. And right now, if you complete 100 rides in 30 days,

you're going to get an extra $500 driving bonus. Go to lyft.com slash joey. Oh, shit. You know what time it is in Bob Marley's in the neighborhood. It's the church of what's happening now. Lee Syat, Eleanor Kerrigan, and your uncle Joey Diaz. Kick it, Lee. I want the speakers to blow up, Lee. I want the computer to blow up. I want you to press fucking death. This is loud as it goes. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. There you go, cock suckers. So we're gonna want, oh, shit, it's Thursday.

Smoothering the motherfucker that Bob Marley. What's happening, you sexy motherfuckers. Welcome to the podcast, Kingdom of Death, Lee Syat, my favorite Jewish person in the world. Hello, Shalom. Eleanor Kerrigan and your uncle Joey Diaz here on a beautiful Wednesday night in Los Angeles. Eleanor Kerrigan, what's happening? Nothing. I'm excited to be here. Sexy Bob Marley, bringing us in. We were talking about fucking affairs, like having like, you know, we're talking about the difference of walking into a closet and bumping into a victim and how licking your nutsack and you're going one way and her going the other. And then you refuse her on Facebook, because you don't even make the, you know, you're professionals. Yeah. And then you have the people

who start a complete different family. And then at the end, you know, we're talking about how the, you're never going to leave your wife. Right. And women will, they'll look you in the face and I'm telling you, because I had a friend like that. He was gonna leave his wife. He was gonna leave his wife. He's gonna leave his wife. You know what happened? They got drunk and they killed them a couple together. Oh, Jesus. She didn't go to jail. He went to jail. And guess what? When she got old, she found that she was pregnant. So she had to move to Florida. He's living around here out of jail, riding a bicycle because they won't give him a license. Oh, they took his license for this life. And the next one, he can't even drive a chariot. If he comes back Chinese,

they won't even let him drive a rickshaw. He's on bicycles for the rest of his life. Unfucking believable. All for killing a family? You lose your license? Uh, for life. I get it. I get it. Two people in a car when you're drunk. Oh, he, I see. Can't get out of that one. Yeah. Drinking and driving. Got you. Got you. I think it got him down. Can't get out of that one. It's six in the morning, you know. Whoa. That's tough. That's tough. And she used to tell me stories that they'd be fucking and the ex-wife would be banging on the door. Let me in. I know she's in there. You motherfucker, I have two girls with you and he would keep fucking a drill in every shit. Oh, she, she loved it. They love it. They love it. Why do people love the

excitement of the, the, the secret, the big secret? I don't get it. I don't know. I know the last five years of Michael Cain use, it was basically, I got high from going to get it. Right. Sneak. I get it. Yeah. That's true. Like I was one of the last people to get him in like a where I want to license. I didn't believe in it. I'm still old school. I like going to the guy's house and driving home with it in the trunk and nobody knows nothing. You know, I always liked that. That's the intrigue of it. It makes you feel dirty. Yeah. That's part of the whole thing going into a room when you're a regular fucking nerd. If you buy weed and you walk into the room and sons of anarchy in there, you're at the right place. You're a nerd. You leave there like, this is okay. See, that's why I like

weed stores is because I never once, I never once bought weed from a dealer. It scares the shit out. I know I'm going to go to the undercover cop. I'm going to get stuff laced with something. So I like it. That's paranoid. Yeah. Yeah. That's welcome to my life. It's more fun that way. Well, that's how, you know, I came up getting out of a car in Harlem. First of all, you had to go to Harlem. We got weed in Jersey. First of all, you had to go to Harlem. And then once you got to fucking Harlem, you had to park in front of, you know, down the block, do it right. Like I go to the weed store here and there's people double parked in front of that. We ask them to roll down the window. Would you park in front of your drug dealers? No, don't bring attention to this place.

Yeah. Go 50 yards down, you fucking amateur. I agree. With hazards on in front of the fucking weed store. Go down the corner, stupid. Let's just wear a sign. You know, it was all part of it. And I have Ellen on the car waiting for me. And I'd walk into a pool hall, you pressed the buzzer and you walked in and the guy had 10 different types of weed on the table and you took two or three bags and you got in your car. Now, we're professionals. Amateurs go right back over the bridge. Now that's, we got on the West Side Highway. We get off on like 57th Street and we stay on 12th Avenue and we stop. We got a hot dog. While we eat the hot dog, you roll the number. You get out of the car. We smoke the number. We eat some fucking tic-tacs. We play some

cologne on you so nobody knows nothing. You have to throw a Lincoln tunnel. Beautiful. And you come back with your weed and you had a night out already. Yeah. That's it. You ever got a hot dog? Yeah, it's dinner and a movie. You eat some fucking air. Yeah. So that was the whole part of it. That's, you're not only getting the weed, but you're also bringing it over the state. You're going through a tunnel. There was that suspense. You know, when I went on, when I went on to 135th to get the Coke, I could have bought Coke in Jersey. Come on. Let me tell you something. When I was 21, I was like, people that are 40 now, you know, I was illusion like this, you know, in LA, if you live in LA, they want you to, people come to you and go,

this painter's phenomenal. He painted, you know, a Mitzi Shor's house or he's, you know, Dennis Quaid's dentist, you know. So we used to go into the city and it was basically $20 cheaper, but you still had to pay for the toll and gas. And there was a little danger of maybe getting shot or robbed or a chase or something. They were cool Colombian dudes and they took us into that little disc attack and they have cock fighting. And then we're going to, it was a disc attack, but in the daytime, they had cock fighting and they sweep the floors. They turn the daytime? During the daytime. So we'd go over in the afternoon to get Coke. Why go over there at night and compete with everybody else? You're right. Now the cops are looking for you. We go over in the afternoon,

sightseeing. What are you doing on 131st Street? We got fucking lost, officer. We went, we wanted to see Harlem. We wanted to see MLK Boulevard and we made a fucking right. This guy don't know how to drive. He's Puerto Rican. I'm sorry. And the cop will let you go. You know what I'm saying? Because the first thing they're going to ask you is, why are you over here on 135th Street? Absolutely. Did you ever have anxiety like I was talking about? Never. Never? Oh my God. Never. Never. It was my world. I love all that shit. If you got laced, I thought that was like a bonus for most people. That's a bonus if you get laced. Isn't it? I don't know. You can't talk to me. You only have a better story if you got laced. At 12, at 12, I was getting ready for my bar mitzvah

and I was having play dates and Joey was doing acid or whatever he was doing. You gave me anxiety just saying at 12 you had play dates. I don't know what the fuck. What's a play date when somebody comes over? I don't know. Maybe 12 is too old for a play date. I don't know. Maybe I was having sleepovers then. Maybe I upgraded to the sleepover. But still, I wasn't fucking, I hadn't even had a sip of alcohol, I don't think. I probably at most had some like Manashevitz Jewish wine that's terrible. That's all I had. There's no way. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong. No, that's beautiful. Listen, there was two different societies. Yeah, oh my gosh. It was two different, you know, I'm looking at this Trump today and I'm looking at a caveman. I'm looking at a guy that's 60,

but he's really a hundred. Yeah, he don't look good. Yeah, he's out. No, no, it's not that he don't look good. It's that parts of him are out of touch and I understand where he's going with some of this. You know, I get it, you know, and, uh, but it's like he's 60 or whatever. I don't know. I think 70, 70, but he's really a hundred. I was 50 when I was 30. Like I already had the old man mentality. Like I was already a fucking old man when I was 30. By 30, I had done it already. I got divorced. I went to prison. I got married. I had a kid. You know, I was done. I was done already. So I already, we're ready. You know, I got crabs. My heart got broken. You know, my heart got broken four times. You know what I'm saying? Like, so by the time you're 30 already,

you're like, all right, now I know how to play this motherfucking field now. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to go for mine now for 10 years. You're nice. He's nice. Everybody's really nice and shit. But you know, sometimes people's thinking is fucking a little older. He's thinking this other thing. I don't fucking know. I just think he looks like he's in over his head. I mean, wouldn't we all be? You think it's going to be this cakewalk? I think it was Leon Vega who said something today that was pretty interesting. Because for the first time, we got a guy that's doing everything he said. Maybe it's not because he's a politician, you know. It's a little food for thought. You know, he's doing everything he said he was going to do. So maybe we're looking

at it differently. Yeah, it's scary. But he's doing everything he said he's going to do. Oh my God, the fucking states with the refugees, they're shit themselves. Oh man, I can't. They're shit themselves. People are panicking right now. Everybody's panicking right now. You know, they signed that fucking immigrant act. I'm not even an immigrant and I think I'm worried they're going to send me back to Ireland. He's going to build the fucking walls so he could build jobs and shit. And that's just that he's going to build that wall and milk it. I'm boiling potatoes. He's going to be union fucking labor. He's going to milk. How long does that wall going to fucking be? This is like 2000 miles. Like that's how long the border is.

But then like I was watching something, there is a wall in some parts and then other parts. It's like a river. It's a gate. It looks like a gate because Freddy is in El Paso. It was Freddy Soto. So when we went there, he showed me there's like holes in the gate. I mean, there is a gate. It's not really, there should be something. How crazy is that when you look up when you go to El Paso, you look left. Yes, fucking beautiful. And what is this right there? And you look right and it looks like it's like Shanice Lee. It's like it's poor right there. Right there in front of you. Right there. Right fucking there. You sit there. You're like, Jesus Christ, that big of a difference. That's people are on top of each other. I mean, I haven't been to El Paso in 10 years.

I don't know what Mexico looks like today. So if I'm out of touch, please let me know. You could see Mexico from San Diego. What's the border there? What's the famous one everybody went to? Tijuana. Tijuana. I mean, because me and my little sister, we were driving to La Jolla. This was years ago. Driving to La Jolla, we went too far and I was like, damn, this neighborhood got bad fast. This is San Diego. There's a bad neighborhood. We were at that fucking border. I did a one night down there. And it was one of those shows that's supposed to start at eight, but it started at 9.30 because of a Lega game. So it was already going to be a two o'clock fucking night to me. You know what I'm saying? Because we didn't finish that show to like one. And when

I pulled out of there, it was like fucking Harlem in 1968. It was fucking scary though. I made that left. I don't know what the name of that town is. There's a name. It's not San Diego. It's a little town with switches. It's fucking scary. It really is scary. The guys, I am petrified in Mexico. Like I went to Mexico one time in El Paso and that was enough for me. I knew I didn't belong there. I knew that a guy like me is getting into a lot of trouble there. There's no reason for me to be down there. Because what am I going to do? It's not like I'm going to go to Mexico to sightsee the cultural spots. Yeah, I'm going to get some fucking food. You know, I'm going to walk the street vendors, but come on. Come on. You know, I'm going to think I'm cute and go get

2,000 volumes for three pennies a piece and try to smuggle them all over. That's how they used to party, but that's how everybody did it. I can't. I can't. So many people did that. I went down to the one by El Paso and I got to tell you something. I've been to a lot of bad places. I just knew it wasn't for me. And forget about night time. This was daytime, nice on a Saturday at 11 in the morning. Really easy. We ate. My friend bought a leather jacket, the comic I was working with. Okay, leather jacket. And that was enough for me. It's so weird. Like it's, I didn't grow up. Like riding, I grew up like upper middle class probably, but the town I grew up in was very similar to the people that like are like Trump. They're like, it's very rich.

Yeah. The most white, but it's weird. Like growing up in that town and then coming out here and dating someone from Inglewood, I knew in my head that places like that existed. But until you go there, you really don't, even though you know it. So like I, with this stuff, it's like, like you were saying with Trump, he's an 100 year old and a 70 year old body. He knows that there's poor people, but he ignores that. I don't even, it's ignoring, but it's, I don't even know if he can really wrap his head around what that means to be that poor. Yeah. Like a lot of people where I grew up voted for him, which is fine. I don't care who you vote for, but they were like, he's one of us. And I'm like, he wouldn't even drive through our neighborhood

to get to the airport. What are you talking about? He's not one of us. He's never been to where we're from. He's never been down in South Philly, just hanging out in the streets. You know, the closest he got was the, the, the debates. Well, they didn't do that. That was Hillary Clinton that went and did the DNC. He didn't do Philly. I really don't know much about the guy and like, except for my contact as a kid when I watched that thing and he had, he was the owner of the USFL. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, like I told somebody one time, you know, he's always doing something. If you do 30 things, you're going to fail at 10 of them. Yeah. You can't hold that against somebody when people

would say, well, your hotel went bankrupt, your college went bankrupt, but look at all the things that did stay open. You know, there's got to be some value in that. I don't know if it qualifies to be an American fucking president, but I think the people just got so sick of, you know, whatever voted for him is sick of what's going on. He got to them with keywords. He got to them with keywords. Something very interesting. You know, I know that there's a lot of Middle Eastern people that listen to this and Muslims and you know, I love you. I fuck around. I crack stupid jokes, but let me tell you something, man. You know what was one of the destructions of Miami in a smaller scale? Mario boat lift. I'm Cuban and very proud to be Cuban,

but as a Cuban American, if you ask the people in Miami who lived there at that time period, to be honest with you, the Mario boat lift was one of the worst things that happened to that state. And even in my hometown, West New York, there was a battle for two or three years, these animals were battling. And what people understand is they were animals. I hate to say this about anybody. He emptied the prisons. He emptied the prisons and mental health places, but he emptied the prisons where they put you in there and there's no feeding schedule. They feed you. There's no showers. There's no TV. You know, sometimes you'll come in with a loaf of bread at four fucking guys. You know, it's a loaf of bread between four years. Figure it out,

bitch. You know, and he brought them into Miami. You know, so today I heard some guys saying that on the news that a Jewish guy was saying that they're Syrians. There's no proof that they're involved in any terrorism whatsoever. You know, but I think even like the Cube Mario boat harbor situation should have been, but they didn't know. So now they should know. Well, but I thought that the boat harbor, they did that intentionally. They emptied the prisons. They were like, okay, you want to go? Goodbye. Here, take these and they sent the prisoners. It was fucking, you know, and it's amazing because there was no internet that nobody knew what was really going on about six years ago. I got invited to do a,

what's fucking your boy's Spanish friend? Dama Revere has a Cuban friend that he's been tight with for 50 years there. He's an actor. He did all the Miami vices and all the bad boys. Good guy. He turned me on to a guy called me and he goes, I cannot send you the script. It's this, but he goes, I'll meet you at this coffee shop. Where do you live? I met him at the hunger at aroma where fucking the line is out the door. And he goes, I'll leave it with you there and I'll sit at the other table and write them. Read it and let me know what you think. This script, like usually I read four pages dog and I'm like, I'll read this later. This motherfucking script. I didn't put it down to like page 68. And by that time I had white

tears from my eyes and it was about what really happened during the mario harbor that we didn't know about. Like there was international pirates. I'm not international pirates. There was like, you would come to like any other fucking thing. Like what the Chinese people do. You would come to me and I go, I don't know. I don't know. Do me a favor. I don't know how to ask you this. You're my only friend and you have a boat. Can we get on your boat right now and go to Cuba and pick up my grandmother like shit like that. And on the way back, people would stop us, pull the grandmother off, shoot you and say, give us 50,000 for your grandma. I mean, it was fucking horrid. Like this was, and I go, how did you get? I go, listen, first of all, I cannot give you

a whatever on this because I don't know anything about this. He goes, neither do you, nor three quarter of a million people knew that this even existed because it was no internet. Right, right. There was no internet. These stories only, you know, like in the eighties, there was a time, Lee, if you lived in Coral Gables, you could wake up, go outside, just to thank God and look over by the ocean and there'd be a kilo, a bag of cocaine in the ocean that's ready for you to steal. Like that was just part of it. Or you could just fucking see 20 bags of weed in your little fucking canal there. This was, this is just occupational hazard. It was happening in Aspen, Colorado, where they were finding bears dead in a bag,

a duffel bag eaten. They would eat the coke. They would drop the fucking duffel bag from a plane and three Puerto Ricans that are supposed to pick it up. They didn't read the compass, right? But fucking smoking the bears, walking around, minding his own business. He gets in the head with a duffel bag. He goes, what's in the duffel bag? He takes a big chunk out of that motherfucker to rip it open. And what do you think is in there? 98% cocaine. I think I saw that scene in Narcos. Dies of a heart attack and all of a sudden they find a bear next to the blow three days later. They had those all the fucking time. That is crazy. So I don't, I don't, like I said, you know, I just, when I read that script, it fucked with me for a couple of days. Oh, I bet. I was like,

this is, this was fucked up. Nobody. And in Scarface, they show you when they're interviewing him and they already had intel on what was going on, who was coming in. The Cubans weren't saying nothing. They were telling him, remember when he beats up Manolo? He goes, why are they taking you? What'd you tell him? He goes, I told him that you, I wasn't a psychiatrist. What's that line? Jesus Christ. And it ends where you should have told him you were a horse. Yeah, right, right. Oh fuck. I can't remember how it goes. Lee put on Scarface bus. Stephen Bauer. Stephen Bauer. He's a good friend of mine. He's the sweetest guy. He was right down the corner. Oh, you're kidding. I was on the other corner. I'll text him. I know he's around here somewhere. I don't know

exactly. Right down the corner. Nice. With the girlfriend. Yeah. With the bimbat and the fucking dogs. And my really good friend used to be his assistant. And so he used, she would bring him to my shows a couple of years ago. He's fucking great though. He's fucking funny, man. I ran into Sebastian Maniscalco and I was with him and he goes, is that Manolo? You know, and I go, yeah, you know me and the 80 stars. Listen to me. I had him and Angel Salazar in studio up there. And they're fun. And Lee Syat was purple when Angel would just get up and go do a blast. He would just get up and go do a blast angel and come back and he was a different person. Here you go. Right here. Right here. Oh, let's see. Yeah. Sanitarium. That's what he says,

though. That's what he says. Yeah. But it's so accurate how they depicted this. Well, except that they put non-cubans on the bus. Well, none of these people are Cubans. Exactly. Only one Cuban. There's 80 people. Right. I was in San róż. Stephen's not even Cuban. Yeah, they didn't go for it. Oh, he was Colombian. Yeah, I told you to tell him he was in a sanitary, I told you. Not sanitation. Sanitary. I told you to say you had TB. And you were cured. Why didn't you tell me that? Come on. You should have kept your mouth shut. Oh, okay. Later thought you was a horse and now you're out. Dug, this movie, when you put scratch on her, it becomes a comedy now. This is a fucking

Right here. Hit this one. This is another one that he fucking kills you with this. He kills you He's just crazy. Look at that. So good. I always know one day I'm coming here from the United States. Listen, Doug, I saw this February 1st, 1984. Oh, wow. At the Seacwalkers Harman Cove at the matinee. It was so the fuck out. We had to sit in Seacwalkers. Seacwalkers. Right off a plane, my friends in the middle of the weeds. Listen to me. My friends took me right off the Newark fucking place that old guy right there. That's sitting over there. I did a movie

with him in 19, no, in 2007 when I got off the cocaine and we became friends. He's an old Irish guy. He was in bug day afternoon. Oh, yeah, yeah, with John something. I think he's dead now because they put him in that sag home up there. But me and John ran for like six to seven months, maybe a year after that, I'd pick him up on Wednesdays and take him to church. He refused to go down to Santa Monica church because I don't want to fucking be sitting there with gay people. Oh, that was my favorite church. I went there every Sunday. Yeah, and he would go to the one on Sunset, Sacred Heart, Sacred Sacrament. But every time I'd take him there on Wednesdays, it was a lot of Chinese people. We couldn't figure it out. We'd go every Wednesday and we

finally figured it out. Pacquiao went there for lunch. Oh, wow. For the lunchtime. That's the master. There's no priest. They just put an album on. On a Wednesday? Because they used to do Latin. I've been to the Latin Mass there. I've never been to the Latin Mass there. Yeah, they have a, I think they're 10 o'clock on Sundays is Latin. That's by accident once. It's so funny how, you know, you watch all this shit, like this isn't a fucking joke. But I meant that you were right. They didn't cast any Cubans, but I meant the actual situation, how it happened, you know, them coming in, how they got in the country and stuff like that. That was pretty accurate. Yeah. I mean, it was, they interrogated you and they,

some people got like Angel Salazar and Stephen Bauer, the bass player from Ozzy. They came over with the, they go into a church. Rudy Charzo. So they just move you around. So Rudy grew up in North Bergen. Rudy grew up in West New York by me and he graduated high school Memorial, but then they would move you again to wherever they needed Cubans. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know. And Angel Salazar too. He came over on like a bus plan or something where you go to New York and they take you to my, Angel went somewhere before New York. Yeah. They took them somewhere before New York, you know? Yeah. He was in Atlantic City and somehow met my brother Billy who he met. The kid is what they call him. And then I saw Angel years later

he goes, your brother's Billy the kid. I was like, oh, shit. You know what the sad thing is? It's made me so nervous. I have no idea about my history. Your history? Yeah. Like I can't. Oh, a Cuban family. No, no, no, no, no. I'm completely inaccurate with my shit. In your family? Like it was my uncle who told me that I was born in Cuba. Got it. Okay. I just found this out. That you weren't? 20 years ago. No. Oh, that you were? No. I thought I was born in New York City for 20 fucking years. Yes, I did. I thought you always said you were born in Cuba. And then my uncle was like, what are you talking about? You were born in Cuba. He goes, I was there when you came over. Your mom had to pay some people on the plane and him, you and your

dad came over and they got a New York City birth certificate from a Jewish because my dad knew some Jews in the Lower East Side. When he came from Cuba, he was young. My uncle fucking spilled the beans in 84 and told me some fucked up shit. It was like a week from hell. It was like somebody telling you everything that you thought he's the one that told me. He goes, did you even know why your mom had an alias? And I go, no, I didn't fucking know. I never even thought to ask you. She murdered a guy that was raping his sister at a dance because she was 16. He had a wife. She goes, he goes, I sent my being at home and her and I sent my other sister leaving. And I always noticed when I was growing up that those, those two sisters were always tight.

They even look like each other. That's not murder, by the way. That's justice. But they still look like my mom. So my mom had to leave overnight and like a raft. No. And they took her to Chicago and then she went to New York and then she met a Puerto Rican family. So when she went back to Cuba, she took the name of the Puerto Rican chicks mom, Sophia Cecilio. Okay. So my mother's bar was under the name of Sophia Cecilio. But there was a problem. She paid Social Security to Sophia Cecilio. So when I died, when my mother died, I got no Social Security because my mom was the Norval Des. Do you understand me? So I didn't know all this shit till fucking 1984. It was a week of meetings.

Serious? That's awful. That's right after you graduated high school, right? Two years afterward. And I just came out here. I needed to see family. I go home and go out there and see my uncle and hang out with him. It was a week of torture. The week ended with us pulling pieces on each other on fucking Vermont Boulevard. Is it Vermont? It's the last street all the way down in Vermont. Yeah. Take it is Vermont or whatever the fuck. Yeah, close. I had to take a cab. Virgil, Vermont, all that. Yeah. He has a Mexican bar down the wall the way down there. What the fuck? Western. Western wall. It's the last street before. And I came out there. That's where we had the shootout. And one day I got a ticket for having a phone out in Hollywood.

And my wife goes, don't go on the 110. Go on that street. I don't know what it was. Yeah, it was fucking Vermont. But take it all the way to Western and hook a left down there. And there's a left that takes you right into city hall or right into where you go for your tickets and shit. And when I was at the left, I looked up and the bar was still there. And I go, this motherfucker is still alive. Even though I lived here and I wanted to kill him, I never went over there all those years. I had an out. I said, if I ever fail here on the way out, I'll go shoot him, then take the plane to Colorado, go chop up my wife and then take another plane to Jersey and fucking snort till the cops come get me. You know what I'm saying? I was just going to go deep.

I'm his little boy. Oh fuck yeah. So I thought about it. At that point, I didn't talk to him for like 25 fucking years. Wow. And that's the first time. I didn't say nothing. I got an audition for a movie and I had to go up to Pacific Coast Highway. And I was driving the long way and I stopped and I go, I've been here before. And I go, what the fuck? And I walked out there and I stopped the car. I go, when the fuck was I here? Is this, Joey, is this a dream? And I fucking, it was 2009. And I picked up the phone, I called my uncle and I apologize. And he fucking was excited and we hooked up for years. Now we haven't talked for two years again. Now we're mad at each other. My cousin fucked it all up,

but nobody's going to call nobody to apologize. So fuck these all. My wife is the one that told them all to go fuck themselves. My wife finally said, let me ask you guys a question. So you're mad at me or Coco. That's fine. But this little girl loves you motherfuckers. This is the game you're going to play. Now you come off. I don't like when they just played shitty fucking, whatever. So my wife was the one I said, you know what, you're absolutely right. Fuck the motherfuckers and shit. Yeah, I got a sister in law. She, she had a problem like argues with her parents, whatever, but they never stop putting the kids, never stop seeing the kids. Does that make sense? Like she's like, oh, I fucking, I want to flip out on my mom, but she lets the kids go

there, see them talk. She drops them off, go hang out, never take it out on the kids. It's not fair. If the adults fight, the adults fight shit happens, but never the kids. That's fucked up. What's that Lisa? I was so, I was like, no, I'm great. I was thinking about this today. It was a, were you guys excited to leave home when you left home? I know. Like was it to move out? Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't wait to move out. And I was, it's not, I had to have a great family, but even my extended family, but there was a, there was a lot of fighting and we never really super got along like with some parts of it. And I was always, I was happy to not have to go to that anymore. But now that it's been like six years, I kind of miss it a little bit, even with,

even with the fighting, even, even with all that. Sure. Cause it's what you knew. You grew up in. Yeah. I wasn't, I wouldn't say excited. I guess I was excited to try something different, but I moved out of my mom's right to LA. So I didn't leave and stay in Philly, you know, if I would have moved out and only moved to like a nicer place in Philly, I don't know, maybe things would have went different. As a kid, I traveled. I never did. I traveled. My mom, How'd you get to do that? My mom, my mom liked traveling. So every summer for sure, we went to Miami and every Christmas to Puerto Rico. That was always a given.

Sometimes I go to Miami and then once my uncle came to visit me, then my uncle said, you're more than welcome to come out. My mom was like, I'm not getting on that plane. So I would fly by myself to LA. He'd pick me up. I'd stay out here for a week. In those days, they treated you like a soldier. It was a regular flight, but they put you in first class close to the stewardess. They give you wings, a coloring book, a hat, a fucking pair of drums, wings. They gave you everything. And then you got off the plane first. Now you get off the plane last and they give you a bunch of paperwork, like you're a fucking farm prisoner. Oh yeah, because everything's on high alert. And everything has to be in first class. Like this little girl,

I flew with what's his name, Eminem's manager's daughter flew with me. Okay. And I was talking down on the plane and she was telling me how hard it was for her to fly. Like, parents have to be at the terminal before the plane takes off and check in. Something just fucking ridiculous. Like it was just crazy. But I would fly out here every summer and then Miami for two, three weeks and then my mother would come down and get me and we'd all fly back together. I'm so jealous of you. No, man. My mom dug it. I drove to Michigan when I was a kid. Shut up. I used to go take a bus to the Jersey Shore by myself when I was a kid. The Jersey Shore, we did that. I used to take a bus to the city like nothing in those days, you know. I went to Florida

my first trip. I was 18 on a plane. We went for senior week and it was just me and a bunch of girls that got kicked out of school, not the ones that graduated with me that I was supposed to be hanging with. But so we all went to Fort Lauderdale. Oh, that was killing. And then my friend, my best friend, Melissa, she got a little attached to this little Cuban kid. She wanted to bring him home. He was 12. I'm like, where are we going with this kid? She was feeding them lobster. I'm like, this is getting uncomfortable. And I used to go to Virginia Beach. When I was in high school, there was a plane to Virginia Beach for $22. What? And you flew from Newark to Virginia Beach. The whole town was 18. I'm telling you, I did that twice. Different time, man. We live in a shittier time. I like traveling.

And then once I got in high school and became a criminal, I was taking planes. I was leaving town every four weeks. You know what I'm saying? I was always leaving town. But as a criminal, how can you leave? I mean, what do you mean? I would, I would front the kilo. I would rob somebody's house. They'd be looking for me. Defending contractors. That was already in the, that was already included in the price of my thought of the robbery. That better be $200, $100 in there for a plane ticket. Where? I don't know. I decide when I get to the airport because in those days you could pay cash at the airport. No fucking problem. So I could go to the airport, look where the flight's going. Excuse me, only the 1040 flight to Los Angeles. Can I see identification?

Are you going to pay for this diners club? Fuck no. Diners club. Cash. That's a real card. Yeah, but it used to be more popular back then. Dinos club, American Express visa, maybe not. Then Discover came, they were like Johnny come lately. I don't like Discover. I mean, they're in a show with cash. No one ever takes Discover. That's what my mom said. She said, Oh, I took them. I took them to the cleaners. Those cops said, I'm on the fucking Discover's top 10 list. They'll never fuck Discover. They made a mistake and sent me checks before the credit card. Shut up. Those blank checks. Really? They would send you like three blank checks to really torment you. That's the last thing you send to Coke Fiend is three checks from one of those visa companies because

the bank don't give a fuck. And now you can't. Of course now. Now you can't do anything. 20 years ago, the check cash in place would cash it. We had identification and they called the bank of Saturday who's close. You know, I can't call Discover. Okay. We'll give you this discover. Yeah. Now they got 24 hour goddamn people fucking when I'm sitting there broke my little girlfriend with that hot little monkey sitting at the boss around it by dudes and shit. She's sitting next to a little Korean chick. I am flat broke. There's nobody to rob. I'm out of jewelry. I got nothing, I got fucking nothing. I'm sitting there and I said, man, in that move, I took a box of those discovered checks. Let me see if I still got them. I went over there. They were there. I ripped it

less than I took one for 200. You're like, oh, wait a second. 200. She's going to walk on that. She might as well dance. Jesus Christ. I took and filled that up for a G bowleroo and I took it to my local bank. I fucking went in there when she started when she asked me, how do I want it? And I told one, nothing, but Benny's nothing, but Benjamin Franklin's. I couldn't believe I drove out of there. Lee for 20 minutes. I kept looking behind me. I took the cops or somewhere. It was unfucking believable. I shut up at the bar like Johnny Goomba binary. We didn't give my teeny, give her my teeny, give him a drink, give him a drink. I'm all a drink. Throwing hundreds down the little chicks like, Oh, look who it is. Forget about it. You know what? And then Monday morning,

901 ring. This is Bank of fucking Boulder. Can we speak to Jose? I'm right here. Listen, you got about 15 minutes to show with that G bowleroo. You're over fucking your account. You couldn't even, she goes, we don't even know how they cast that. Well, that's your problem. Goodbye. Click. What? I hung up the fucking phone. He's right though. But I already had my car payment. I was three down. I had a fucking, every night I had to come home and hide my car in the trees and weeds and put explosives around the car and fucking glass. I heard a repo man. You have no idea. You have no fucking idea. And then I was going to another game and I got hit on black ice. And I twisted the rim. I go down there. The rim is fucking

2000 per rim. This dummy that was on the show last week might cast the works on an accurate place. And I might leave the keys in the car. I'm going to go. You know how many times I robbed that accurate fucking place? That's a new place. And they were blaming an employee. One day I went and took the whole glass off, walked in there and took the cash box and went home. Mike was like, it was only three hundred dollars. I go in those days for me, the rent was four. So I showed up with two. I took a hundred, bought a half gram, some Adam cheese and some freshly squeezed oranges for money. You know what I'm saying? You know how we do it. You got a cover spread constantly in my world. They might have invented security cameras for

joe d's. I definitely believe that fucking believable. And I used to sit at night after comedy in those days. I would go to the supermarket, which was King's Supers and I would buy a piece of Adam cheese. I would buy those nice crackers, the cheese with the red package around it. And you get your knife and you cut that fucking thing off. I didn't even have a knife. I would just stick my fucking Eleanor T and buy the course and go in your Weaver. Right. I would fucking eat those fucking cheese. I would get a piece of cheese and a container of freshly squeezed oranges and I go to the Acura dealership and sit there and just watch the cars go by and look at the new Acuras. In fact, one night a cop, a cop pulled it

and said, what are you doing? I said, I'm sitting here fucking eating a piece of cheese, looking at the cars. He goes, you know what? What do you think of that car? Me and the cops started talking. We became friends. 20, 20, 20, 30 minutes with chitchat. He didn't know I was casing the joint. He had no idea. And that's not a weird response. What are you doing here? I'm eating cheese and looking at cars. That seems like... And the cop was cool. He just sat and talked. Yeah. It's one in the morning. They sit there. They call for backup just in case I was a look at. I ain't no look at. I look like a look out to you. I'm just sitting in a piece of cheese looking at the fucking labels. Do you think it's harder to be a criminal now than it was back then?

Yeah, I wouldn't even try. There's nothing you could do. I mean, you got to be so tech-savvy to be a goddamn criminal today. It's not the tech-savvy I'm worried about. What do you mean? It's the cameras everywhere. There's a camera everywhere. There's a camera everywhere. And if I tell you, we're going to get to a point that they know already right now. They already know. If you have a smartphone, they know. They're not even telling you. Forget the smartphone. If I'm a fucking going to do something bad, there ain't no phone. I already know that. Good. This is a tracking device. So right now, if I smack you in the fucking mouth over by Lancashire and 54th Street here, it'll show up on the floor, right? They can't find me. They're going to find

me within 20 minutes because they're going to press a button and there's a satellite that's been watching that particular location. They're going to get a picture of me. They're going to show the general public a different picture from a bodega, but they're going to cover their asses, but they're going to have the, I know they have the technology already. I agree. That's how they did in New York. New York, you go to Times Square within two minutes. They know you're there. They know name, date, a birth, what you did, what do you owe, what cards you didn't fucking use last year, everything. I heard the airlines too. As soon as you call the fucking airlines, you're fucking everything comes up. Do you use Waze the app thing? No, I don't know. Okay. So it's just like a

quicker ways they'll give you to get around driving here. They were like, there's an accident 2.2 miles ahead. There's somebody pulled over to the side that somebody ran out of gas. There's a traffic light with a camera. They fucking tell you everything the whole time. I'm like, holy shit. This is a complete tracking device because it's hooked up to whatever you're saying that's watching all of us every second. It's impossible to be a criminal. Well, I did have to be invisible to be a criminal. The stupid, the stupid criminal things I did would all be on camera. Yeah, I wouldn't even know what to do. I couldn't go in an office. You can't rob a business because every business has visible cameras. It's like those cops getting caught at that weed store.

These dummies went in there and tried to rob didn't know that they got invisible cameras everywhere, everywhere. The cameras you see, they're working, but they're decoys. They're working. You're going to go up something and spray paint them. You could spray paint those motherfuckers all you want because there's 50 more of those fucking things and they got you from every fucking angle. And if not, you have to assume. Yeah. If you're not assuming, so you have to go into those places with a fucking mask. So it's like, I have to do all this work. They could do what? Rob is 7-Eleven? A bank? There's no way now. They could follow you with the traffic cameras from 7-Eleven to your house. Like they could, it's like the night of. Did you watch that show?

Yes, yes. Oh man, that was great. It's a nothing one from that show. When they followed that, you believe that? Nothing one, which is a real fucking shame. Oh, tutorial, that's my heart. You know what? Oh man, he's great. Let's say you tried to rob big time drug dealers. Hmm. That's the only occupation I could do is set up drug dealers. Or just con people out of money because that's, that's the second thing. There's always a sucker every day. Yeah, there's always, that's scary. My mom was sending money to, she read this thing about this Indian reservation and she felt bad. Her white guilt kicked in and they still, she sent like $10, you know, and they send her every month. New ones. We have, oh, this happened on the

reservation today. Can you send, I'm like, are you really serious praying on these old women? I mean, I'm sure they do it to all people. They do it to all people. Old people. Oh, they go after them quick. Sick. Yeah. I gotta come up with a good scam because I need money. Got any ideas, Lee? I have tons of ideas. I mean, selling Coke is obsolete. Oh yeah. It has money in it, but you gotta be on your belly to sell it. So you gotta be underground. Yeah. No, but you still gotta be out. You gotta be out on your belly means you gotta be out there. No, I hear what you're saying, but you gotta be. You can't, you know, yeah, I could send Lee, you know, but I just made Lee a partner. When I lived in Aspen, I had a dude named Karl Hall,

my brother, to this day, even those little butts. He's my brother. I miss him. I still laugh at his fucking jokes. Listen, man, that kid would come to me and say, give me a half ounce in 50s. I don't know what I charge him. We did this from July to November. I could give him 10 grams of Coke in packages, bendled up, and he cut a deal with me right off the bat. I'm taking a gram off the top and 50 bucks. Take it, because I'm still going to make this amount and this is going to go. He would come back three times on one night. Nobody sold Coke like this kid. That's amazing. Because if he was in the south and he knew how to party, man, come on, let's do a fucking blast. Yeah, I got more of this. I know the motherfucker who processed this shit. And he

gave me 50 bucks. He just fucking banged people out. He was the best salesman I ever saw. Redneck kid. It's amazing. He was hilarious. He'd pick up chicks every night. Every night, he had a different woman. He lived in employee housing. What kind of housing? Employee housing. That's where you work at a hotel. Let's say you move from here to Snowmass Village. I do, I mean. And you got a job at a security hotel. They're all for you. You want employee housing? Sure. You live in a four bedroom apartment. You have to share it with other people. You share the kitchen, the bathroom, and the living space with other people. Yeah, I've heard of that. But it's just, you know, 75 a week compared to paying 1200. And it's a pretty good start. You take it

right out of your check. You don't even know what's going on. I live in the fucking employee housing. When I was security at the Crestwood, like a motherfucker. Where is that? The Crestwood is Snowmass Village. That's how I know about it. I can't believe you work security. Yeah, right. I would invite security from five to one. I'm the guy. I'm the midnight commando. Yeah, that was me. I'm the guy. I'm the midnight commando. I would work. I would work five to one. Okay. Five nights a week. I had to wear a green shirt with beige pants. They gave me the jacket. Do you have like a stick? No stick. Flashlights. I had a walkie-talkie. Security was basically how to check the jacuzzi's, turn them all off,

make sure the gym was closed, make sure the laundry room was open, make sure there was wood out for people to light their fires. I had to walk around the buildings twice. But the primary job was picking people up at the airport. I'd have three or four runs and they're supposed to take you 10 minutes. It took me two hours. That's how I did. I did 10 miles an hour like I fucking did a couple stops. I would stop at the Holiday Inn and get a fucking cocktail. I knew what to buy. I knew when I first got that security job, I still knew where to get quailudes. So I would take the van up to Aspen. The people would be calling, where are you? I'm making a loop right now and I'd still be in Aspen. Come on, bro. I'd be

up at those fucking quailudes. That's what I was going to say. Like, what about the people you were picking up? They'd have to wait. It's snow. They were the best people in the world and I could tell them the story. I could tell them the car spun out. I used to tell them I had a walking time. I remember there was no GPS, Lee. Okay, complete different worldly. So let's say they would say to me, a guy is landing at 750. Okay. That means he's landing at 750 and he's got to get his luggage and walk down and his skis. That's a 35 fucking minute, 40 minute hike because you got to wait for luggage and then you got to wait for the big things and everybody brings skis. Yeah. Okay. So I knew that I was good to 830, 840. So I would leave there at seven and I would do

10, 150 miles an hour at Aspen. I'm sorry about the water bottles. I would go to the internet restaurant way before internet burger and all this other punk shit. Yeah. Internet was a sandwich shop owned by a... Oh, wow. Really? That was the name of it? It was the original. It was owned by a dude that's now still a restaurateur up there and a friend of mine from Buffalo who still comes to my shows today. This is 1985 and this kid still comes to my shows today. That's amazing. My dog... Oh, what the fuck was that? Hercules and his dog Kali were goombas. She was a female. She was a wolf and he would come to the house and the two dogs would fucking play. But I fucking bumped into Steve Chavone. You don't know how many years I thought about that kid,

Steve Chavone. He was one of the best kids I ever met. I mean, I had just been fresh out of New York City. I'm in this new city with my buddy Jimmy Burkle who's got rest his soul. He was my goomba, my guardian angel and he had a girlfriend. So on the weekends I'd be lonely and I'd go to the in-and-out place. It was open until like fucking 9 and that's the first place I ever tasted a sandwich with sprouts. I almost vomited right there and they're both laughing because they're both in Buffalo. I would have thrown up. Oh my god. The first time the dog... They had some fucking... What the fuck was that? That was the first time I ever... I grew up in New York and that was the first time I ever ate a sandwich with Russian dressing on it. They changed my world. I don't

even know what to write. They had like turkey and they even put bacon and avocado in those days and Russian dressing. It was off the fucking chain. It was a small place smaller than this. You had to stick on the stairs. There'd be a line around the corner because it was just going by a sandwich. Only you could fit three people in there. Wow. So I became friends with Steve Chavone. Around that place was Captain Video. I took him for like 10 G's. I had a fucking pyramid cocaine scam, right? One of those cocaine... A pyramid cocaine scam. You know just one of those 1980s pyramid cocaine scabies we all got into. Give me 10,000 at five o'clock. Sure. And tomorrow night at six I'll bring back fucking 15,000. That's right. And you didn't bring back 15,000.

And the last time. I did it for a year and a half with him. But the last time I... I got a letter from his wife. What happened? I was counting them on it. We're still waiting. We're still waiting. The Chrysler and Fullstock is down. Wait, he told his wife he got involved in a cocaine pyramid scam. It was a horrible thing. Oh my god. I had about nine different people involved in that cocaine scam. Come on. That's how it works. You got it. That's how it works. Listen, everybody wants to make money. I'm going to make you scarf face without selling coke. How are you going to do that? How much you got in the bed? 8,000. What's it doing for you? Nothing. I'm going to put your money to fucking work, okay? You're putting your money to sleep. I'm going to

put your money to work here. I don't want the eight. Give me five to start off with. What do I get? 6,500 back. When? The next day. So let me get this straight. At six o'clock, I'm going to give you 5,000. And the next night, you're going to give me 6,500. How does this work? Don't worry how it works. You're going to give it to me, you know? And after that, the first man who talks loses. Are you going to give it to me or not? Don't say a fucking word. You should do it. 10 talks. Right there. You just lost. I'm sorry. Well, when do I have to give you the money? Hello, tick-tock. You know what I'm saying? You want to make Geetus, we got to fucking come up with the Geetus. Let's go over to Bunker Popular and get this party started. Popular. You should, you should

do it. 10 talks on how to make a cure, a pyramid, a cocaine pyramid scheme. I would go up there, I would go to the internet house, I would park, I would eat a sandwich, hug those guys, talk to them. They would give me a butterweed and then I would fucking run across the street in the snow. It was a little shit at the hotel. The hotels were the cutest thing you ever saw in your life. How do I know? Because I lived with my ex-wife in there for about a month or a half before we got to employ housing. And that's where I got the album, done with mirrors by Errol Smith. I almost threw it out the window. I was waiting for fucking the biggest album ever and nothing. That's where I listened to that cassette. It's right close to

the jail where Ted Bundy jumped out of the window, I mean, right across 30 yards. It's probably not there now. And right across from this big lumber type deal. I lived in that Chateau for probably six weeks, man. Wow. But in there, the Chateau Keeper, not the owner, he sold Quailoots that were made in like Woody Creek by fucking young cocaine chemists that would give them to Don Johnson. Who's the writer with the cigarette? With a buffalo room, fear and loathing in Las Vegas. That's where he was selling them down in Woody Creek. And he would give me four for 20 bucks. They were 10 bucks a piece in those days. Hunter S. Thompson. Hunter S. Thompson. They were 10 bucks a piece, but I told him, I was like, how can I give you 10? I was just

paying four in New York and that's New York. Yeah. And he goes, all right, I give him two for four. That's how much money that's like motherfucker was made. Jesus Christ. Wow. I've only been that husband once. The comedy festival, 95, I think I did. Jesus Christ. I wasn't in it. I was just there with my first ex-fiance. Jesus Christ. How are the Quailoots? He was doing Coke, but I, now I'm kidding. I didn't get any Quailoots. They wouldn't give me any. It was fun though. It's fucking crazy that place. Beautiful. Too nervous for me. I don't ski. Is that the same thing? Like the, the adrenaline? Like how do you pitch someone a loan? They're loan sharking you money for cocaine? Kind of. I don't know. I would go to guys like you. You're my brother. You're my

brother. I know you for 10 years. You know, I've always been kind of kinky, but he's always been cool with me, man. I would go to guys like you. The guy's kid plays with his kid. Yeah. These are the guys I want to make a quick 1500 to get a girlfriend on the side and get that dick suck without momma knowing. You always got to remember. You got to look for the same. You got to fucking racially profile. Jews are always looking for 1500. Wait a second. 1500. Yeah. Okay. And then they'll come to me and go, I want to do it every week because that's 6,000 a week. That's 6,000 a month. How would you not want to do that? Yeah. But then you leave at the last one. That's 60. After you made fucking 70 grand, will you give a fuck? Yeah. So he took me for 6,500. You're not

gonna complain. Who gets a fuck? What do you give a fuck? Are you crazy? I guess. I don't know. I've never been involved in a pyramid scheme before. So get the quail and eat a half of it and zoop to the airport and pick the motherfuckers up and take half a high as a kite. That time I built tolerance for gorilla biscuits by that time. And you're all 85. You're being paid right now. You're on duty. Yeah. You're on the clock. 12, 15, 13 an hour plus tips. All right. I love that you're two hours late and you're gonna get a tip. No. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I get you at every angle. I was getting ski boots and skis. But he had a story. He had a story to tell. No, no, no. People from Texas, they didn't fuck around in those days. Those were

my main customers. When I knew I had Texans coming in, that's when I showed up tip top my goon. With sodas in the car and donuts and welcome to Aspen. How are you? How was your trip? Where are you from? You were Yankee. Yeah, I'm a Yankee. What's going on? Nothing. You were Dallas Cowboys. Yeah, I'm a dad. Next thing you know, you're talking. You're driving. You ski. You want to come ski with me and my family tomorrow. Let's do it. I got family passes and I got these guys are just spitting shit out of you because they're on vacation. They just made $200 million last year. Right. That's what it costs to go up there. You know. Easily. The house that I house that in 1985. Okay. The guy was on the board of TGI Fridays.

When his daughters came, I got to talk to him and his daughters like, I don't know if you know this. He's got 20 of these. I said to him, I go, when I signed on here, you guys are supposed to come here all summer. I've never met you guys for a year and a half. And they're like, listen, we got one of these all over the world. It was a $3 million house in 1987. We got one of these all over the world in every city, name a city. Go ahead, Bangkok, Tel Aviv. We got a building. That's how much money they had. The girls who were like in college to my mother's grave. I was a cocaine. I never talked to them. I never was not anything perverted. That was my job. I had a girlfriend. But here's the beauty of it. To my mother's fucking grave.

They would drop in those days at the liquor store, like six girls would come from California. And would drop in those days, maybe a thousand in booze. The liquor service would come. The delivery store would come and just bring them five cases of hard booze, beer, and I would see it. And then a week later, I would go, well, how much was that? 1200. That's what they always spend every year. They would drink three beers and they would leave the rest. And I would drink the fucking rest. They'd leave all of that. And they put it in cabinets and lock it, but I had to keep the cabinets. Oh, wow. We would have been selling it. We weren't coming back for a year and a half. I just, my buddy had the job before me and he had it for two or three years.

And I said to him one day, you don't live in the house. And he goes, no. And I go, why? And I goes, well, I live in the quarters. That's what it says on my contract. As soon as he left, I was in that garage for maybe a month before I was like, you know what? I'm moving on up. I went upstairs to the master bedroom. You should have seen this balcony, fucking hawks. What are you going to do when they come back? They would come back once a year. You vacuum, you wash the sheets. You don't want to make a bad deal. You hire fucking somebody. That's what I did. I hired fucking three chicks. I gave them a grandma blow, start cleaning, no stop to this house is fucking banging.

I was one of those chicks, Lee. Come on, Lee. Oh my God. I make a kick out of that. That's what people do up there. They have cleaning services. Of course. That's it. People come in, leave. Somebody comes in, cleans the house, Spickspark, Magoo. Super wealthy. Oh my God. These people were fucking 435 far way road. Wow. That was the name of it. Okay. And this is in Aspen. This is in Snowmass Village. I can see how much the house is worth now. Uh-oh. See how much is worth. See if it's even still fucking there. I don't even know where that far away road. Yeah. It's Aspen, Colorado, down the hill. Okay. Aspen is the top. And then you have that fucking independence pass. Yeah. Where it saves you an hour if you go into Denver, but it's only open from fucking July to

September. Oh, okay. Because it's a lane and a half. A lot of people don't like that ride. Like, I had two tough friends that sat under the fucking, like they were petrified yelling, screaming, I'm driving. How much? It's for sale right now. How much? $4.995. Wow. And it's for sale. The estimated mortgage is 20 grand a month. Is it beat up? Look at the paint. No, it's beautiful. Seven beds, seven baths. Put it on there. Let's see. Oh, yeah. No, this place was rocking, dog. Jesus. Oh my God. You're going to bring back memories. I'm like, there was 12 of us in a three bedroom row home with one bathroom. You should have seen this. Oh, no, they redid that. Oh my God. Yeah, they redid that. That's beautiful.

I'll wait a second. Oh, they redid. That's the part Joey would clean up. Let's see. Let's see. They left the windows. All the windows were like that, the fireplace. Let's see the rest of the pictures, Lee. Cricked out around. Yeah, look at that fucking place. Yeah, that was the back there. That was the ski and ski out. We could ski and ski out of it. Yeah. All you had to do was walk over that mountain right there. Boom. And you went and you put your skin and went downhill. It was like stealing. All you had to do was walk 10 yards, went to the show in the bedrooms. Oh my God. But yeah. Yeah, they redid this. I like that furniture too. It's like rough. Yeah, they redid this. I wish it was a real girl and knew the decor. Oh my fucking God. Look at that sled. I would play

on that. Oh my God, Joey. I don't think, I don't think those people still own it. Obviously. I mean, they're selling it. What do you mean it's a different? Oh, listen, I haven't been in there in 30 fucking years. I haven't been in there. Yeah, that house got redone. I have not been in there in 30 fucking years officially this last November, 86, 96, 206. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wow. That is fucking beautiful. Yeah, if I were placing your bedroom, I would be scared to live there, but I would visit. I don't, I don't like that. You could take it down. No, that was never there. That was never there. They redid this like a motherfucker. Are you into that? Do you ski or you? At that time, I did. At that time. I've never skied. When you move up there, you're like,

I'm never fucking gonna ski. It's too cold and shit. And you sit there for two months. And this is all people talk about. I guess if I was around that, I would. From November 25th, from November 15th, the season starts like the Thanksgiving day, but a week before that, to fucking April 15th, that's what makes the town tick. Yeah. Stomads really is God who gots. In the summer, people come and they come for the balloon festival and they do the tour to France where people ride their bicycles around a fucking hill, tiddly do, and they have that type of shit. And that's back in the day. I don't know what they have now. The party spot, you want to get your dick sucked in that day, you went to Aspen.

In those days, like now I can't, now it's like everywhere else in the country. I've sucked a dick in Aspen. But did you really? But in those days, but in those days, Aspen was like, like, I don't remember, like I remember being in a restaurant. Like the first week I was there and there was somebody through tables from me. Like somebody fucking, you know, that I growing up in New York City at North Bergen, I never fucking saw someone. You know, when I grew up in North Bergen, I saw Richard Gere. Before I left New York, I saw Richard Gere. I saw the fucking good looking white kid, the Irish kid that lived in the village and he was

dating a friend of mine. In fact, the husband showed up at the comedy store and his friends were Richie. And he goes, you know my wife? And I go, yeah, Arianna. I go, what's the name? Because Arianna Alvarez. I go, she used to date in high, bro, in high school, she used to date. The Irish actor. The Outsiders. The outside Rob Lowe. No, Patrick Swayze. Who else is in the outside? I can't think of one person right now. Matt Dillon. Oh, Matt Dillon. So I saw Matt Dillon. The Irish kid. Matt Dillon would come over and take her to a bar right in my neighborhood and I would go up there and cop

blown. I'd see him up there at this fucking dive and I wouldn't say two words. I was too embarrassing. I went to ask him the first week I was there. I saw people. I don't remember who and I got picked up hitchhiking by Don Henley. I got picked up hitchhiking by John Dengler. I got picked, you know, I bumped into these fucking people. You would hitchhike. Yeah, because they have a hitching, they have a hitching post. It's allowed. So right outside the hotel where I got the quailudes, there was a hitching post. You'd sit there and a car would come up and go, and you'd go, snowmen, really get in. How you doing, Joey? Eleanor, what's happening? What do you do? Eleanor, I'm a copper peeing snowman. Oh, no shit. What do you do? I'm trying to go to CMC.

At that time, my cover was I was going to Colorado Mountain College. I really was. I would take fucking six credits. What did I know? I didn't even have a high school diploma on paper. Did you know that? On paper. On paper? I did not have a high school diploma. I lied in those days. Colorado Mountain College, when did you graduate? You have transcripts? Not really. You could apply to North Bergen. Okay, we'll get them on the phone. Okay, when do I start class? Tuesday. Thank you. Jesus. And I took, the whole time I was there, I took courses at Colorado Mountain. In fact, that's how it became an electrician. Oh, okay. You could take a trade. I took a course for residential wiring. I would take

like a stupid course and I would take like a history course. I would take like, you know, like a business course or something, like a health and exercise and I would take like a fucking history class or something. There you go. It didn't matter. You know, man, we're fucking retail. No, I love it. But that always kept me legit and with an excuse to get out and breathe. I would get out and I would come back hitchhike. Trouble with the air there? Because I remember. I got there April 30th of 83 and to be honest with you, like at that time, it took me maybe four weeks to acclimate and three or four days a week. Guys, I would sleep all fucking day. Yeah. Cause it was hard. I didn't realize how bad, especially at that altitude.

I went right to snow mass. It's not like I went to Colorado Springs and went to Boulder. We weren't right up there in the first night of the Sunday. I told somebody recently, I think I told on the podcast, I fainted the second day and asked me to smoke in a bomb. I fucking went down. I remember people doing the oxygen during the, like cause I was there during the festival and they had of them on the side of the stages for comics. So they would always do that. I'm thinking of taking my wife and my daughter with the daughter's godfather and his wife. Oh, that's nice. Cause he called me the other day and he goes, hey man, I got Friday off. Well, there's this place for sale. No, no, no, no. He called me

last week and he goes, hey man, I got Friday off. Do you want to go to Denver to watch George Mazdi vile against whatever? And I go, you know what, man, I'm going to shoot this thing next week. If I don't have to shoot on Friday, I would think of taking a late flight Friday night right out of Burbank and going over there. There's only two flights direct. You take that late one, you got to go to fucking Utah and San Diego and you don't get to fucking Denver till two in the morning or some shit with the fucking Miami sound machine. Is that the compute? Do you still have to take that little commuter into, well, I guess if you're going to Denver, no, but Aspen. No, they go direct now. Now. Oh yeah, we're living in the little fucking plane. Oh, that plane was

asked for their ways and you fly from there to Denver and you got to land and then I remember taking trips to New Jersey and I come back and by the time you land in Denver, there's a foot of snow and that little plane ain't taking off. We got to set up the airport all night with a package and the bars are closed at two. The one night in Illinois, I had my coke and a locker and about eight ounces and a yellow manila envelope and a locker and every 10 minutes I would go, all right, there's the last chunk I'm going to take out of that and I would go into the men's bathroom, snort up and go to the bar and drink and like, you know, what's money I spent on quarters, putting that fucking coke in the locker that night. How they didn't have me on camera. That's

the shit I think about. I thought you were doing your laundry. That's no, no, no. It was a yellow It was a yellow manila envelope and the bar was 30 yards away and I got to talking to this guy from LA. I'll never forget that night. There's still nights that I sit like, oh my God, how they didn't catch me. I pulled an all nighter in an airport and snorted the whole time. Jesus. Like a fucking animal. Every time I tried to jerk off in the men's bathroom, all that type of sickness that I was going through and 80 fucking at seven. All that sickness I was going through jerking off in bathrooms and fucking. Oh my God. I feel like this is like, this is my life kind of. Just to let you know what I'm feeling today. I love it. This is why I hate writing sometimes. I'm trying to write

because you can't write real. You have to write real. You have to write what's true to you. I never really did cocaine, but I will tell you this. I was when I was with my first ex fiance, he was doing cocaine and I found out I was doing his laundry naturally and I found the little vial and I was like, what is this? And I like smelled it. Like what a fucking idiot. Like that's how naive I was. I was like, and then I went like that and tasted it. Like all of a sudden I'm fucking CSI Eleanor and I tasted it. My tongue went numb. And when I went into confront him, I had a completely numb tongue and I'm screaming like, what the fuck is this? You know, and I'm like, I think my tongue passed away. That's how fucking strong it was. Why are you tasting it?

Do you know what it tastes like? No, no, no. I don't know. I think so. I don't know. I thought like it would like tingle or something like, oh, yeah. You know, I look looking back without the jokes. How disappointing was it to see somebody go from zero to 60 to zero? Listen, it's a horrible fucking situation. It's not just somebody. When you like for you, it's somebody. But for me, it was literally the somebody. He was he was the first guy truly fell in love with, truly thought I could look at him and see our kids. I could see what they look like. I could see how many there were, all of it. And to watch it go like that and down. Never in my life would I the day I found him in his room. And he was with his buddy, I thought was like helping him. You know what I mean? And

they both both just graduated or came out of Betty Ford. And he they were shooting up together. I did not expect that. And they had just come out of Betty Ford. Yeah. And the and I had no idea what happened. And at this point, I was like, arguing with him. I'm like, what is wrong with you? And I'm like trying to wake him up. And I'm like grabbing him. I'm like, what is fuck is going on? You know, I thought he was getting healthy. And I was coming to visit and, you know, like because I still wanted to be with him, I still wanted to make it work. And I was like shaking him and he wasn't coming out of it. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I went into the guy and I was like, what did you do? What did you guys do? And then when I went, he wouldn't answer me. He's like,

I don't know. I don't know what happened. And then I went back in and I saw his arm. And I was like, fuck. So I realized what they were doing. And then I got a baseball bat and I chased the guy out. I was fucking hitting things on the way out. I was like, get the fuck out of here. He went flying. And then I, the only thing I could think to do was to call Argus Hamilton. And I told him everything that was in the room, every single thing I saw. And he was like, you got, you got to get out of there. He's gone. And he was right. I never really technically saw him again. Thank God he's doing great right now. He's doing really well. He has a baby. He got him, he got his shit together. But I mean, he went really down, down and it sucks. And that's why I was like, I think

he's the only guy I really want to marry. Sorry, Andrew. It's really weird when you see somebody fucking just go down. Yeah. Cause he had it all. I mean, he had it all, right? It takes the world. I saw it myself, but I saw it in a lot in other people. You see, you see a million people go through it, but it's, it's, it's brutal. It's, yeah, it took a long time to bounce back from that. You start going a little crazy. I didn't go crazy. I just thought, all right, I guess I'm not having kids. Fuck it. I am fucking grateful every day. I don't snort that shit no more. No. How fucking lucky am I? It doesn't live here anymore. Apparently though, he would do it recreationally prior to this. And he never really got addicted. And then one of his clients

brought him pure cut cocaine. And once he tried that, that's when the shit hit the fan. Cause he couldn't get that high. He became chasing the dragon, if you will. Like after he was like trying to do anything that would get him that high, but you can't always get pure cut cocaine. No. Lisa, aren't you lucky you just eat chocolate and puke from time to time? Oh god, I'm really lucky. I'm lucky that I am. Do you still have the, do you still have the star under your tongue? One of the stalling? Why not? I didn't remember this night anyways. Why? No, I'm fine. Is that why you record this so that you know what happened on the night of? On the night of? Yeah, eventually. Like 20 years from now, I'll watch this, but

do you, you never have like, cause sometimes I have like my big thing is, is fast food and fat being bad with that. And sometimes when I feel bad or I'm having a bad day, I, I go back to that. I cheat on the diet. You never have that with co, I know you haven't relapsed, but I'm saying, I'm saying you never have any sort of itch at all. That's great. What do you do? Like, what is your thing? The first 30 days, it was rough. The first 30 to 60 days, it was rough. Once I got past New Year's Eve, I don't forget being in San Francisco with Rogan, Red Band, because I was never in New Year's Eve snow. Oh, that's amateur night. Oh, good. Good for you. I had to, I, I, I saw something once on New Year's

and I said, fuck it. I'll never get high again on New Year's plus. I didn't want to be high. I had this superstition that maybe this is the year I stopped doing coke and I won't be high at midnight. Okay. I'm saying towards the last couple of years, I would get high at 12.03 just, but as long as I was in high at midnight, that's all that mattered to me. That's how fucking retarded and addiction plays with you, you know? But you're absolutely right. And, uh, no. Right there, like, it, it took about three months and all of a sudden I saw something I hadn't seen in years. I saw a bank deposit flip and it had money in it. It's a big deal. Like it wasn't 2120 or 1850 or 341, $3,041 anymore. It was now $318. I was like, that's fucked up. Yeah.

And then you, I did the math and you don't want to know what the numbers were. The numbers were astronomical. Absolutely. The numbers are so deep that Terry had to take a loan after me for $636 a month for six years. That's how buried when I got out. I believe it. And we paid it off in four years. Thank God. Thank God. But that's how deep it went. But the crazy thing was, that wasn't the first time. Yeah. Like the story I'm telling you about asked me the first time I left, I left with some cash because I had jewelry, had Rob and different joints and a block of hash and fuck it. I was, I've always been an animal, you know? No, I get it. I love it. Then the second time I left, I left with, you know, a half ounce of Coke,

3,000 cash and I owed 70. Like I owed 70. Like I owed somebody like 25. Like there was somebody I owed 25,000. Oh my God. They would call me every two days and go, come on, man, you gotta help me out here. You're killing me here type shit. There were no threats. One lady said some shit. How do you not get threats? Who are these people? Are they commoners? Like there were people who had stumbled in the 80s. People like, let me give an example. What I mean commoners, not gangsters. Not gangsters. No, this is, let me describe. Yeah, because who would this be? Somebody like Redman. Okay. In 1987, a guy like Redman can make five G's a night selling grams of blow. This was a village. Okay. This was a little village. It was three miles to go down the hill. And it was, I don't know,

maybe seven, something I may be wrong to go into Aspen to hit old snowmass. I don't know how long it is either, but there's nothing in old snowmass but a gas station at that time. Once you got to the village, you went in the village. There was the tower. There was another bar up there. And there was maybe three bars up there that were open and two hotels that had bars. You had five places to go. Six. There was a Mexican place that was very kinky. And that's where all the drugs were. That was reputation. So that's kid. This kid that was like, like I just said to you, somebody very commoner got into helping somebody out with coke. Next thing you know, they were from Mankano, Minnesota. And about 30 of them had been there. And a guy in a check that was not fucking gotten involved in

the drug trade. And let me tell you something, within a year, they had become a filthy rich. They went from being zero to 100. There was so much coke up there at the time. And we've discussed this already on the Rogan podcast where people have contacted me where in 1985, December something, 1985, they blew up a guy with a pipe bomb at the Aspen club. This club, it's like, you know, a thousand a week to be a member in that. And he used to always pay people 20 bucks to start his car. The one night he started his car, there was a pipe bomb in there. It was right before fucking Christmas, man. They weren't fucking around up there. This was like a major point. When they're blowing people up with pipe bombs, there was some major league

shit. The people who turned me on to Aspen, not the people I went to Aspen with, but the people who turned me on to Aspen, turned me on to Aspen because they were moving blows to Aspen. They had a fake carpet place called Far East Treasures. They had one carpet in there and it was never open. Far East Treasures. Yeah, I would call it every day. I would call it every fucking day. Where you at? Answer the fucking phone. You're never open. They're in the Far East. Fucking hysterical. It's hilarious. Long time ago. But yeah, that's what I'm saying. Or whatever you borrow money from these people. I mean, I can borrow $10 in my neighborhood without them knocking. This was the weird thing, Eleanor. In May of 1987, I was cleaning soap. Okay. And I

got a visit from Danny Biancullo who was, he calls into the church from time to time. I grew up with the Biancullis. And he goes, I'm coming up to see you. He comes up to see me, he goes, what's going on, Cokes? And he whipped out this bag of Coke that was just beautiful. It's the, it's the heyday of cocaine. This is the heyday of cocaine. It's crystals. It's pink. This is, this shit's coming at you. Your throat would get numb. You wouldn't get speedy. You would get like fucking after a day or two. You'd start to loosen it. I mean, this shit was real. Yeah. And what the fuck was that? What was the guy's name? Biancullo. Biancullo came out and he shows me this.

And he's telling me that now I'm buying grams of Coke and eight balls for 350. You know, I'm giving, I'm getting a railed up there. It's good shit, but, but they wanted 1800 for an ounce. Danny showed up and he goes, I give me this for 800 pounds. I said, you know, I'll leave you a number on the table. Within two weeks, I showed up with that and picked up a fucking a quarter kilo, 12 ounces. Oh my God. At $9,800. You know how much money that $9,800 was mine? Zero, zero. How do you do? God damn it. I borrowed the whole $9,800 in chunks. Like just, but I knew the Coke was so good that once I come back, I charge 1600 and I only take a gram and put a gram for 1600. This cocaine, you'd buy two ounces right off the bat. All I had to do

was come over and give you a blast at this. Give me 1600 cash. When do you need it right now? So that 3,200 there. By the time I get off the plane, I already have half of it sold, which was you guys money. So you got your money, might even that night. Wow. I might drop half of your payments off tonight and then wait until I get more dough the next day and drop off the other two payments. But that whole $9,800 plus the plane ticket, plus the money, how to buy for the suits. You know how goomba, you know what I'm saying? How to do the head. You know, I was going home. You know what I'm saying? People say like the hardest thing out here, like you always hear that people hate self-promotion and you're shilling shares of cocaine. I don't understand

the like, how crazy is it? Like, like, like you have no, you have no nervousness or qualms of selling or people that some people I told them, some people I told and some people I didn't tell. Oh my God. What are you talking about? I just need the envelope. You don't have this much tomorrow. You wouldn't do that to someone. Yes, I would. Oh my God. Isn't that like an accessory to look at them? And I had a guy from a video store. I had a dude from a video store and his brother. I had these two dudes from a video store from his brother. I had a kid that works with a pizza place that wanted to be a gangster. So what is that? I'm Italian. If I do this, does that mean I'm a gangster? Absolutely. This kid was like raised in fucking, you know. Did you tell people

you were stupid? In Wyoming. Oh no. Historical, the poor kid. They had a pizza place. The pizza place was horrid. And I had this other kid, Kato, that was my dog in those days. Kato? Everybody has a Kato. He was in Chinese. His name was Kee Korn out of fucking Ohio. He was my dog. He knew where all of everything was. Yeah. This was like when I moved to Aspen, God, when you're a fucking junkie, when you went to drugs, you're not going to meet intelligent people. You're not going to meet bank investors. You meet people of the similar type that you are. Sure. We're all attracted to each other. Everybody I met was not a cocaine head in those days. The first three or four people I met were serious marijuana dudes. Got it. And I looked at the one dude when they

go, come here for a second. I go, Kato, do me a favor. From now on, because Kato would buy weed every day, three times a day. Kato was a maintenance clerk who made a bunch of money, like in charge of buildings. Like a lot of people start as a fucking snow shoveler, but then the next season, nobody comes back. Right. So they become the manager. You could be a moron and be a manager there in two fucking years. He was there for 15 years. He was making $8,000 a fucking year, only in ski season. It was a scam. It's got a beautiful car because the business owner could trust him. He wasn't going no way. He had, you know, he had investments in the area, but Kato was a professional weed dude. Like I was, I loved marijuana. That was my number one

passion, especially Friday nights. Cause I had to watch a USA night flight. There was a show on USA called USA night flight. And from nine to 12, it was just about music from 12 to three. They show like a short film and scientists shit. And by that time I do a couple of lines just to keep me awake. Cause the TV was so bad. You're a dork about drugs. You love, you love it. You're like nerdy about it. I know at that time I watched USA night flight. Let me watch USA night flight. I don't even know what it is. USA night flight was a show that USA I get it. Your network put on in the very beginning called night flight. And what it was was a pop culture show from nine o'clock at night to six in the morning.

What? It would cover all night, Eleanor. What would they talk about? A seven hour show? From nine to 12, from nine to 10, they would do an interview with Pat Benatar. A nine hour show, Jesus. From nine to 10, they would do an interview with Pat Benatar. And then from 10 to 11, they would show a concert of Pat Benatar. Oh, I like that. And then from 11 to 12, they would show her videos and other assorted videos. Then at midnight, some pop culture movie would come on. Sometimes it would be the story remains the same. Sometimes it would be the Neil Young movie. Sometimes it would be Pink Floyd live in Pompeii. There was all these little movies. And then at three, it would be like music news and movie news.

This is way before anybody was doing this shit. No, it's not before MTV. No, no, this is I'm talking when I was doing this, this is 83. MTV came on the scene September 81. So USA was 83. At that time in Aspen, if you just had a regular TV channel, it was channel two. And that was everything. They would show the news and Charles Bronson movies. I swear to my mother's grave. They would show the same two movies, Death Wish and the one about his watermelons when he fucking they stole his watermelons and he shoots the motherfuckers up there in Colorado. And I was in heaven. Me, I'm like, where the fuck did I move to? I'm living like a doctor here. Nobody bothers me. Nobody knows I'm a fucking thief. Nobody knows nothing. That's it. I got a kid who brings over

refill sometimes twice a night. He would show up on the back of the best weed, Eleanor, you would ever see. And on the way home every night, I would go into the supermarket and I'd buy like a steak, but I'd steal a salami, ask him my salami, the big pack, and I had a lettuce and I'd go home, cook the steak and make a salad. But yeah, I'd make a salad with the fucking salami. I put something pepping and I'd dope it up with a little blue cheese. Oh, Joey and his recipes. You should have a book. Tremendous. Joey's recipe. I could dope up a fucking dead cat if you give me a minute. Just a double check. The salad was lettuce and salami. That's it. And maybe a tomato if I had an extra 52 cents, you know what I'm saying? And I cut the tomato nice, I put it in

there, dope up the, you know how good that fucking blue cheese tastes around that fucking tomato when you taste it with a little pepperoni with a little chunk of blue cheese on the tomato and you bite into both of them at the same time to hit you up, Mola. Are you fucking kidding me or what? I'm trying to drop the fucking menu of the year on you bitches. How would you go to an entire book? What's that? How do you throw an entire bag of weed in like two hours? In those days, that weed would last me two, two, three nights, but I would have four or five bags of weed and I had Jimmy. So as soon as I got home at six 30, I was an electrician and then two nights a week that weeks I went to college. So the other five nights I was either home

or in smoking dope with Jimmy, but Jimmy had a girlfriend who had herpes. Everybody knew she had the herpes, she had given them the herpes, so I once a month I would sit there and swell up and shit. Oh my god. Did you have your own cups in the apartment? Oh fuck yeah. I could never lose one with herpes. Why? Don't be mean. It's controllable. It is controllable. It's funny. Oh my god. She had a stinky dog. She had a dog that was a great yellow lad, but he wasn't allowed in the building that we'd get evicted, so he actually had to live in the jeep. The dog got evicted from the building? They wouldn't let it and she didn't have no place to live. She was trying to save money, get a job, and then it was

Vicky, something I call a Vicky Lane, Lowy's Lane and shit. I think she hated me. It didn't matter. I used to torment her life. Oh my god. That's terrible. My great herpes. Vicky Lane. You know, I think about when people have doubts about leaving somewhere. That was a great question you asked before. You know, there's people- Oh, about getting excited to move out? Yeah. There's people who listen to the podcast and there's people right now who are like sitting there going, you know, I'm putting away money to move to Montana or California or back to Jersey and New York and you're always a little scared. And these stories I'm telling you right now about Colorado in 83, that was the first time I was ever out of New York City. Yeah. That was the first time I was

ever in Miami. I was in another state by myself. I had a roommate, but he was struggling just like me. It's not like I couldn't- Right. I couldn't be late with the rent there. Do you understand me? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like- You're saying take the chance. Move out. No, no, no. But it was amazing like walking home in those days in November and in Colorado, if you lived in those places at night, all you smell is wood burning. Oh, yes. And you can hear it crackling. Right. And you can hear it and it's cold, but not really. And it's real quiet and serene and I would be walking in that parking lot, like walking and doing what a 21-year-old doing, skating down half of it. And I remember going, wow, what these motherfuckers are really missing. And even though

I'm by myself, look at what I'm doing by myself. I agree. I agree. That's the most important thing that people are always scared of. They don't know if they're gonna- That satisfaction of having that closet with that fan, you're eating what you want, you're driving Lyft, you know, and you're trying to put it together just to prove to yourself that you can- And there's one night where you'll be there with crackers. You have the computer on watching Game of Thrones and you'll have crackers and you'll have a can of sausages and a Coke one and you'll sit there and you'll go, how fucking lucky am I? I'm in Sacramento. I'm in Los Angeles living my dream. I might be broke. But for tonight, I'm good. I'm good. I'm not home. I'm out of that bar. I'm out of that environment.

I'm out of that. That's what that part of my life always was. I was ashamed how it ended. They caught me robbing. I planned a jewelry heist. They already knew I was burglarizing these places. I was in deep. They knew what they didn't know. I acted like I didn't do Coke. That was my cover. Isn't that every Coke head's cover? No, no, no. At this time, I was doing that cover. Pretend like they don't do it. At this time, I was doing it to steal. Got it. So the finger can never be drawn to me. Why would he steal? He don't even do Coke. Look at the size of him. He's like, he lifts weights and hits a bag every fucking day. He does push-ups in between outside like an idiot. I played the pothead. Got it.

You're following me? The pothead never. And they would snore Coke around me and then they talk and we go back into their house and they play darts. All of a sudden the guy would come out of the back room with a kilo of Coke and I go, here we go. We got a pigeon. There we go. Pilot the Bombardier. And I give him like right away. With those guys, you just put them on a hook. You just got one guy. Eventually you're going to throw them in there. You just got to work them and see what's going on. The woman in the house, who his roommate is. I knew the roommate. The guy worked in the fucking golf court that went away for a new day time. And this guy skied. The apartment's wide open and the Coke is in the bedroom somewhere in that closet in the hallway.

And I got five minutes. But there's a fucking sliding window in the living room. So like when I come into place, I'm going to open up the sliding window. I'm going to leave it open just so I have the option to walk out the sliding window if they come to the front door. Okay. So I would always open up my path out before I'd even go for the loot. I'd go for the loot. I'd find the loot. I'd lock the door how it was and I'd go out the back door. I'd look by the boot and I'd walk out the back door and I may believe it was looking at birds. Oh my god, it's a silver belly blue chip from Canada. Did you learn that door tricked the hard way? Like that seems like something that you might have to learn when you go like get trapped somewhere.

I was really good at it because all the condos were made the same. From building A to building they were all the same cut. If I could break into one door, I could break into all. My buddy was an engineer and he made the clips to bust into all the doors. But my cookie, listen, I'm not the smartest dude in the world. So one night, there's new people live upstairs and they're talking about drugs all the time and I don't really befriend them. I just hear them chatter at parties, how much blow they do. So I watch them one night. Again, I go into the front door, lock the door, the lights are out. I go in the back, but again, it's snowing out. So I get to the back door and I slide open the sliding door and I fucking go to the back and boom, there's the blow. I see the

lights pull up. I close the door, boom, boom. I lock the front door. I go to the fucking back as I'm running out. Boom. I left the screen door up, the one with the flies so the flies won't come in and I landed right in the fucking grass and I just closed the sliding door and they were right there and I fucking ran. It wasn't fresh snow. Thank God. That's what saved me. Yeah. It was old snow. So I didn't leave. I just ran. I ran into like the water. I ran across and I went to the Crestwood where I used to work and I saw my friend Con. I gave him the coke and I changed shirts and then he gave me a ride to my house. Like nothing happened. And the next day there was Chittichada. Somebody run my house for eight ounces of blow. That's terrible. Did you help him look

for it? Oh yeah. You should have seen me out there putting out posters and stuff. You gave your dog William. Give me fucking crazy, Lee. I was 19 years only doing this kind of shit. Jesus Christ. Fucking retarded. Retarded. It's making a lot of things. It's not like you were in Jersey where you had friends and you could come up with schemes. You were out there by yourself just like oh my God. Getting stoned and thinking of weird criminal shit you could do. Okay. So now I go back to fucking New Jersey. Oh my God. I end up living in a playground. I don't do blow. From Denver back to Jersey. I go back to Jersey. I fuck up completely. I live in Jersey till 85 and I moved to bold. I got a little loop put away. But bro, I was a fucking dirty thief. I got 10 G's in the

bank. I got six grand in my pocket. It's a Sunday night. I'm walking on the pro street more than one of those cookie houses where they make this is Paul's cookies. They had to let the window open. It's Sunday. That's their fault. It's Sunday. You know what I'm saying? There's money in that hut. They're stealing Mrs. Paul's cookie money. One of those cookies. I didn't say no names. No names no names. You understand me? I fucking jumped in there. There it was in the register. I just plugged the register and pressed open. $9,000. $9,000 in cookie money. It opened. It just says what year it was. I was such a bad thief. I used to unplug the register and take it with me because sometimes I was so retarded I couldn't even open the fucking register. So I would have to go to

the car, open up the back door, leave the trunk open and go out there with the whole register and take it to go. I did not know about to take it to go skiing. Where would you hide the register on your way out? I would fucking put in the trunk of a car and go step on it. When you're running through the mall with the register in your hand. No, no, I wouldn't be running through the mall. We register. The business will be locked. It'd be like an independent business. I go in there, you know? Okay, I thought you were on the middle of the mall. They turn the electricity off. You can't hold a register like that. They turn the electricity off so you can't open up the registers. You got to unplug the fucking thing and pick it up and you got to bring pliers. Sometimes you

got to bring cutters with you with gloves. I always had gloves on because you might have to cut it because they hide the plug underneath like they build around. I must have taken 15 registers in my day. And then, and I knew nothing about it, but this dude named Tom Pinesse, God bless his soul. He told me he had a missing eye. It was a Westie. One eyed Westie. The guy used to get me jobs and I was like 18 to Case Joints. And he used to tell me how to steal and shit. He used to tell me how to take care of them, grown toenail and prison and shit. I mean, this dude was the best. I loved Tom. He had all the answers. I had a job. Case and joints. Can we talk about that for a second? How do you get what? A job. Case and joints. That's a big job. That's a

big job. Yeah. That's a big job. I had a dude once, a guy that paid me to just stand by the wall. What do you do? I just stand by the wall. Ten bucks an hour. Just stand there from six to 12. But you got a document. Don't go nowhere. It's not easy work. Fucking hilarious. The guy's name was Mr. Boji. And he used to hire me like three nights a week to stand by the brick wall. Don't move. I'll bring you a sandwich in two hours. I'm surprised you ever left. That seems like you live perfectly. And he used to tell me, one of these days, I'm going to get you a job, 12, 15 an hour, sweeping a roof. You know what I'm saying? That used to be the job you wanted. Come on, Mr. T, get me a job sweeping a roof, 12, 15 an hour. What do you do? You just sweep all day. Just sweep

the roof. Every day. It's eight hours a day. Just sweep the same roof. It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right. And then what? And then just watch everything to be like. Nobody sweeps a roof. It's a no show job, Lee. No. That's what it's called, the sweeping the roof. I need a job sweeping the roof. Yeah, I don't know. You knew that, right? Yeah. That's fucking crazy. Sweeping the roof. Yeah, I'm sorry. Come on, Lee. You've never swept a roof. I thought it was a job where you showed up and just actually swept the roof. So you were getting paid and you weren't doing anything. Let me ask you, Lee, who in their right mind would sweep a roof? Who in their right mind would know what a sweep in the roof job means? It's a no pay.

I didn't see this in your, in your mafia handbook that you give out when you saw them every time. I didn't have the mafia handbook. That's what it was called. It's a different kind of mafia. Wait, quick question. When you write your book, are you going to put a chapter in there of recipes, please? No, no, that's a second book. Oh, you want to just do a whole, okay. I got to support that kid. Yeah, I love that. I'm going to give a shout out to my main man, water boxer, making a comeback, Kentucky fried sports, Casey McKenzie, Candy Parker, Maverick, the monster, Jim Nunya always representin' you bad motherfucker, and his little goomba death, big thornberry, big frog, and Ryan Posh Sturzel, you bad motherfucker.

Uncle Joey Loge, you don't forget next weekend, I'm at Zany's Nashville Atlanta, come down, because I'm not going to see you this year, and I probably won't be making it to Charlotte at this point either. So if you're in the local fucking show up, Zany's is a good club, Dorf is waiting for me, it's all over, but the shout and shit is planned. What, bitches? What, bitches? Sweep in the roof, Lee. One of these days, I'm going to hook you up with a guy. Sweep the roof. You Sweep the roof. That's the best job ever, no-show job. Do you ever have a no-show job? One time, Carmine Balzano got me a no-show job at Horace Mann, and I'll never forget, like I used to just walk in there and get a check and go home, like he used to say,

did you even move a desk this week? Not really. Free time, what a great country, you don't even move a desk. Nothing, you don't even help the gent, he's 150 years old, there's no air condition, he's 90, and you go home and play fucking basketball, and you got the audacity to go pick up a check with a smile. This is a good country, America. Yeah, great country. He used to say that to me all the time. Are there people who do that for like a career? I did it for a summer. Carmine got me a job for a summer at Horace Mann, Sweeping. I think I showed up like three days, and I was like, come on guys, you got to be serious. Let me go there. How come everybody has a job and they don't have to fucking show up? I got to show up now? No, it's not fucking fair. I'll fucking

call the Daily News, I'll call the Cubans. It's not fair that I have to show up to mind your own. Everybody had, in North Bergen at that time, everybody had a job for the town, and then they had someone on the side that you showed up for an hour a week, you know what I'm saying, and you still pulled that 20 grand. So nobody really said nothing, you know what I'm saying? I only had one no show. Nobody really said nothing, and you got 20 hours, and you got dental and vision, and everybody had one of those. Dental and vision. And I used to get $8 an hour at the movie theater, I don't know what. I didn't get dental and vision at mine. I was just on a book, and then they, at tax time, I got the checks, like they would pay the taxes, like he needed me on his

books, kind of a thing. Yeah, no, no, I always... If I never went in there, I don't even know where the office was. I worked for Hearts Mountain Roof in high school, I worked for Rendo, I worked for Rendo Lumber Marine, but it was Mass Back Sentry, and I got a job at Mass Back Sentry Hardware, one of the best jobs I haven't had that I blew over a piece of ass. I couldn't take it. I had to go get my staff, and she wasn't gonna fuck me. She didn't fuck me. She didn't fuck me for four years after. You know what I'm saying? I told her the other time, Lee, I was so retarded at that age. Wait, so you had a job, and you... I took a job. He left and made the shift. He's telling me he left, man, she had to go have sex. You know what I'm saying? That right there. There was no sex. I

swear to God, there was not even... Sex wasn't even in the picture then. But you were trying. I was just trying to make up my girlfriend. Oh, okay, how old were you? I was 18 going on fucking 92. And before my senior year in high school, somebody said, go to Tony Avenue, go to West Side Avenue, look for jobs. There's always jobs on West Side Avenue. And I had worked at a hardware store before, so I walked into this place and I applied. They called me three days late and asked me if I wanted like the 4 to 12 shift. And I was like, absolutely. And I did that. All you had to do was pick up chains and pull orders. Like, no, no, pull orders. What you did is after you did inventory. Your first 90 days, you did inventory, so you learned where everything is. So when the trucks

came in the morning, you had to unload them, and you would take them, push them in a push cart, and then go to aisle 5250. So they wanted you to learn where everything was first. That was your first 90 days. And then after that, they put you to pick orders. So now you got a car and you were cool. You got a car. You know how envious I was of those fucking guys? I'm like, one day I'm going to be one of those guys. I was going to be one of those guys. And then there was day loaders that loaded the trucks. And then there was a night loading job that everybody said was the best job at the place, but nobody won. Seven to four every day, one day through Friday. But on Friday, you went home on a quarterly.

Why so late? Because there was a half a truck to load with four guys. But the union would make you go down there. So you would go down there at seven and put a pipe on the truck. And then you'd have to sweep to the quarterly and then go home. Never in the three months that I worked. So that's what I got a job there. And I lasted 90 days and almost the job came up to load trucks at night. And I became union. Soon as I became union, that made me go on that list. And I was like number three on the list. And number one didn't want the job. He had a girlfriend down when she didn't want to. And the other guy got married, he didn't want the job. So they came and asked me, I was like, Oh, shit. I got like a $6 raise and Fridays, I'm off.

So I quit school and I could still go on Friday nights at eight o'clock. Oh, so you're saying, I thought you meant you had to say late eight o'clock in the morning. You got off early. That's how cake this job was Lee. This is how retarded uncle Joey is. I did this job for like five weeks. And I loved it. I loved the thought of walking in my house at five in the morning, smoking a fucking joint. I'd make a cheese omelette. I'd flip over the two egg cheese omelette in those days. I flip it over and put two fucking pieces of American cheese on top. I got like four pieces of wonder bread toasted with butter. Nice. All right. And then I make a protein shake in those days. And I'd fucking eat the cheese omelette and drink the protein

shake and I'd smoke another joint. And then I go downstairs, put on HBO and go to sleep till like fucking three in the afternoon. I get up, do some drugs, make some calls, make some hustling, lift some weights. And I go back there at seven o'clock, but I got a call one night. This is big, big ass party at Thursday night. You got to be there. What the fuck am I going to do? I can't quit this fucking gig. I just got it. You're in the union. I'm in the union. I made it. I can go home and tell my mother like Tony and Scarfish, your son is a success. And Pearl, the party ate me alive. I fucking stuck my finger down,

my throat impugned. And I puked on my shirt and said, I gotta go. I called for the manager, he wasn't there. So I jumped off the truck and I ran home like a little pussy that I was and put on a t-shirt and went to the party and she wasn't there. She had gone home already. She got high and she couldn't take it. So she went home. She was a young little white chick. How bad do you think I felt? So I kept calling. They went and said, phone. So the next day they fired me. It's a month out of Christmas. I get fucking fired. They got responsibilities. I got a cocaine habit. I got a bar bill. You know what I'm saying? On those days, I used to hang out at Joe Marry's. Waila was the bartender line.

Give me a little fucking vodka now. Just give Lee whatever he's drinking. Give Pete whatever he's drinking. Put it on my tab. Coco, your tab is $62. Waila. Is it Friday yet? No. Don't want the fuck. Keep pouring. You have a weekly tab? A weekly tab, Lee. And how high would it get? A hundred. And you had to make a move. How much would you make a week? A hundred. Nothing. I was dealing with three hands. I was working at the warehouse. At that time, I was probably making 600, 650 a week. But when I was working, I wasn't drinking a hundred a week in there. At that day, I was paying cash. But once you started hustling, you always had a tab at the ball. You had no problem. No credit card, no nothing. That was a big thing. That was a big thing back

there. A tab. You had a tab at the grocery store. Your mother had a tab at the pizza place. Your mother had a tab at the florist. Your mother had a tab at the bodega. Everybody had a tab. Like when I was growing up, we had a tab at hashways. Ms. Hash, let me get a roast beef on rye, potato salad, and a coke. Put it on my tab. You got it. And you're like, oh, what a country. What were the rules of the tab? Like, how, how, when do you have a day? Friday. Friday. What do you get? Friday. Well, yeah, it was weekly, definitely. Sometimes you could eat something and ask for a 20 and sign for it. No. Well, I never did that. Old school, dog, old school. I would come in. What's your name? Eleanor? Nice to know, isn't it? Hi. My name is Joey Diaz. How you doing? I'm not a big favor.

Before I left the house today, I didn't take any cash. Oh. Do me a favor. Give me a bar time for 200. Okay. Ring me up and give me 200 cash and keep one for yourself. Oh, okay. Thank you. It's a stolen credit card. We're partners. She don't seem to have seen that. What driver's license do you put on it? D45678. Oh, that's a similar number. I've heard that one before. You follow me? Oh, yeah. You went out with a yardstick. I mean, there was a thousand fucking things you did as a young kid then. You know, there was a thousand ways to make. If you wanted to go out, you always had a lead lead. I need a big favorite dog, white coke. I can't lend you money. No. You got 300 quailers. You're sitting on them like an asshole.

Sound to me. What do you want for 100? 200, but I need to get... Bro, give me the fucking 100 quailers and I'll give you two and a quarter tomorrow. One. You want two? I'll give you two and a quarter tomorrow. You know how quick you can sell 100 quailers, Lee? How quick? And my mother's grave. On mercy. You know how long you could fucking... Two days. Four hours. No. At the right bar, four fucking hours. How many people? 40. I'd have the whole... I'd have the whole place eating gorilla biscuits and I'd have them calling their friends to come down to the bar. This guy's got the fucking original deal. Do they have like... Do they have like 30 people passing out at bars? No. What I would do is

she liked gorilla biscuits. She knew the fucking rules. She knows what time it is. Eleanor's been down the block before. Eleanor knows... I'm gonna give Eleanor a half a quailer and if I behave myself, she might give me a little nookie cookie. She might have a little good time. If I play the cards wrong, she might just go back with that bartender that she usually likes, but she knows I got a quarter round to blow. I got a couple of gorilla biscuits. I got a pocket full of hundreds and you know what she doesn't care. Joey's a little fat. He might have a little dick, but you know what? Fuck it. I got fucked by a big dick last weekend. Sometimes you gotta give the pussy a breather. You really do. You can't swallow a big sword every week.

That's so true. It's not easy. It's not easy. We're doing the Lord's work out there. Oh no, Lee. There was tabs at dry cleaners. Sure. They used to have a tab of dry cleaners. I didn't tab everywhere, Lee. My mom wouldn't like that. My mom didn't like the tabs, but my best friend, her mom, no problem. Anywhere we went, we could say her mom. Listen, man, tabs put you together. As long as you didn't abuse them, tabs put you together. Bar tabs killed me. Like I think I'm still not allowed at Gregory's seven day weekend. I left a tab in there for like 200 and shit. That's where I would go and go, give me 20, give me $40 register. Then they would take a piece of paper, put cocoa, $40, we'll pay Friday, and then they put it involved with the envelope for the

night. Then they put it on the wall with your thumbtack with all the other white papers. And you come in and pay for the fucking papers. There was that comic that he was a bad scam artist, bad. And he would come to me at the comedy store when I was waiting tables, and he'd say, run this car for me. He have his nails painted. I don't know if I can say his name. I remember it, but I'm afraid to say it. How long ago? Like in the early 90s, I'm in 90s maybe. Before I got there? Oh, he was there. You might have been around. Like a little, yeah. Maybe late 90s. But he always had his nails painted. You know, he was like, crazy, I'd talk like this. And you know who it is? No. No. Anyway, so his name was Bob. I'll give you that.

And so he would always, he would be like, I want to buy drinks, but I need to get some cash back. I'm like, okay. And then you give me like four credit cards. All of them have female names on them. I'm like, dude. Come on, dog. Get with me. And then he married one of our managers. And I was like, dude, he's going to rob you. And she's like, I love him now. She had the big titty. Anyway. But yeah, he used to call it. Oh my God. There you go. I don't know how many more hints, but that was a really fucked up time. He was fucked. Crazy. I mean, he had cards. I was like, dude, what are you doing out there? That was the beginning of my end at that time. But he knew how to get around it. I don't like to say the name. Yeah, he had to change his name. He left. He's in seclusion,

but he's working as a comic somewhere. He was funny. I remember correctly. Listen, he was about to sign with three yards, but he lost his fucking mind like people do. And then what happened was this is one of the best stories you'll ever hear. I just get to the fucking comic store. I know Jimmy Schubert. I know Jimmy Schubert. I know Joe Rogan. I know Dave Tyree. I know Eddie Griffin. I know the guy with the things Sanchez, Luke Torres, the chick, the Puerto Rican chick that had whatever son. Little Vika? No, the black kid, the kid that's two comedians, the fucking Joe Torres. Come on. Kim Tavares. I'm sorry. You have these nice fucking people. What are we talking about? The scammed, the Bob. And all of a sudden, it really became this drug place. Do you remember

when the kid OD'd in the back on heroin? OD'd? Uh-uh. There was a crew that hung out there. There was a lot. I mean, I got, I got, I got made, I got made with Larry Vazios. Larry Vazios. Vazios. And this chick that was a lesbian, and this other dude, and I never saw the chick that was a lesbian again. I never saw it, never do it again. Okay. The only one that came up from that crop was me and Larry Vazios. So you guys got promoted the same night. I mean, you got passed. Passed the same night. They made us go upstairs and I worked for Hens Mitchell with Shane Matash in the telemarketing department upstairs. No, I remember it well. That's fucking crazy. And I had my own office and I was faxed people. So this was like

98? This is 97, 98. Okay. And then this guy Bob showed up and he was very nice and he was very funny. He was a good writer. He was friends with Carrota. And it was, you know, he was a cordial guy and he invited you to do a blast. And he reminded me of somebody I did time with. That was a very loyal, trusting guy and I loved him very dearly. This guy had no reason to be my friend. He was a big ass white dude from Philly. I never, ever forgot him. I'm writing this thing about guardian angels now. These people are guardian angels. I'll never see them again, you know, by doing the show and by doing comedy. I would have wished a guy like that would hit me up on Facebook and go, did I do time with you at Camp George West in 1997? Do you remember me?

And tell me something we did. I would, I would, my heart would break just to know that that particular, there was like two or three dudes in there, the dude who gave me the notebook to become a comedian, the librarian, the little nerd who killed his wife and her fucking male man boyfriend. Okay. Okay. I would love to see him today. He's probably still doing either. You got like 2001. Yeah. Oh, what a fucking shame. What do you say? How you doing, buddy? I'm doing pretty good. For some reason, I just love when you say la luna. So the little lunas are kicking in for sure. I gotta wake up tomorrow and go do that rest of the pilot tomorrow. We're going downtown. Can you talk about how it went or not yet? Well, I don't know how it went. I mean,

he likes it so far. You know me, Doug, I hate everything. The last thing I want to do is see myself. So it's in their hands. They sell the show. Yeah. Okay. They liked the footage from yesterday. I got my wife in it as my consultant. I have an idea for them today and they liked it. So tomorrow I got to go to the flower center and talk to them about, uh, she lets mice out. She lets cats out at night. At night, they kill the mice. What does she think? You know, they kill birds also. Excuse me. From there, we're going to my house and we're going to shoot me doing the intro. We're going to shoot. My wife talking about the story. Want to shoot about me adopting the cats and fucking, you know, I would go home instead

of stay out and do blow and how they gave me character and a little bit of meaning. And then I started realizing, wait a second, I can take care of these fucking cats. I always thought I couldn't take care of a cat next. You know, I'm feeding cats and I got the little balls and shit with the string and, and, uh, you know, sometimes you rescue a cat, but sometimes the cat or the animal that you rescue rescues you brother. You don't even know it. You bring the animal home and you're like, Jesus Christ, I feel a lot better. Nothing feels this fucking good. So that's what the pilot is. So we end shooting tomorrow. We're going to do a podcast scene in here with my man, me fucking boom, boom, sciatica ready for my, my sad car. And this ain't sad

cock sucker. This, this is your undercuff car. Where's my trailer? Get your hair and makeup done. Get your hair and makeup done and shit. Where's the paperwork? I'm going to straighten your beard. What the fuck? Oh, I got a hand. So what are you hearing? I don't know. Talk to me. I know you're on the road with Andrew. I'm on the road with Andrew. We're in Vegas next weekend, the second Super Bowl weekend, uh, the second, third, fourth, and then the 17th, 18th, 19th on my birthday. Uh, are you the 19th? Yeah. Nice. I'm 54 and the 19th fucking the second through the fourth. I'm in Nashville. I'm wondering how the airport is going to be some day morning. Going to Los Angeles. We're also Houston, so it has nothing to do with Uncle Joey. I'm going to the other side

of the city. Uh, then I'm doing that kid rock cruise in April. So I'm excited about that. Going back for a second time. There are partiers on there, boy. Now what are the performances? It's mostly, uh, I don't know who else is on, um, this one. I have to look it up. But, uh, the last one, the last one was tone low. He was great. We had a fucking blast. But I think this time it's EMPD. Is that how you say it? I'm terrible with that. Um, I'll look it up. It's just phone works. But, uh, tone low kid rock performs. Uh, they had steel panther. You know that? Yeah. Yeah. The guys from Vegas, they had Uncle Cracker. They had, uh, some really fun, uh, it was like a rap band. I don't know where they were from Europe. They were great though.

They were, they were all dressed in Adidas suits and they would do like classics from the 80s and just like sing over them. They were fucking great. Like really like a fun, not like a killer band, but like a fun band. And then, uh, yeah, it was all bands and me. So I had a blast. How many days of yacht that? We're five days. All right. And I have to do three shows, 45 minutes each. And, uh, I'm just looking for the lineup if I can find it. And the last time you bought the boyfriend, that was a fucking nightmare. He said, huh? Yeah, it was tough. Fucked up and shit. This time we have the Struts, EPMD, John Stone Band. He was on last time, Big Rock Show, Sweet Tea Trio, DJ Solman, uh, DJ P and Eleanor Kerry. And how many people on the boat? It's fucking packed. 5,000,

5,000, I think? Seven? I don't know. And it's big. It's scary. It was the first time I'd ever been on a ship. Elevators and everything? Elevators, everything. I didn't do that. I took the stairs. I don't fuck around. I'm playing in the elevator. You ain't playing that tight. No, no, no, no, no. People party on that on this ship. When I got, when we got on, we, we had stayed in Miami because I love Miami. So last year we left out of Miami. So I went early because I wanted to stay at night in Miami. And, uh, I, so I walked around by myself. I left my boyfriend at the hotel. It was whatever. So hanging out in Miami the next day we went and like in the afternoon, well, I didn't know they went the night before and most people already boarded. So I thought they

were getting on the ship and they were already that fucked up. I was like, holy shit, we're just getting here. These people were wasted. But that's because they were already partying while the ship was docked. I mean, they just, they spent that kind of money and then they get on that ship and they just fucking let loose. Every woman had their top off with fucking kid rock stickers on their nipples. It was fucking great. Now, are your rooms big? It's not huge, but it's not terrible. It's, you know, you get a nice room. We had a balcony. So, you know, you're on the, you've got a nice little balcony. You can walk out there. Yeah. You walk out there, sit out there and hang out. And we hung out there a lot. And then we're the artists are a little bit off from where the other

people, the regular. Nobody can bother. Nobody bothers you really. It's pretty cool. You get all these passes too. So you don't have to really hang out. You can go behind backstage and watch the bands versus like, you know, fighting through the crowd to sit up front kind of a thing. And they come, we all support each other shows. It was fucking great. Are they dogs on the ship when you get on? They know people bringing drugs on. That's not my business. Did you see dogs? I mean, it's a fucking question. I did see dogs. I did see, I thought you said drugs, but yeah, I did see. Really? They got dogs out there. I think you have to go through customs, Joey. I don't know if you can, I don't know if you could go on a cruise. You know my passport? I don't know about

that. I don't remember if I saw dogs for real dogs or is this a code? You have to have a passport, right? For real? Yeah. I had a passport because we went to Jamaica. This time we're going out of Tampa and we're going to the Bahamas and Key West. I saw Irish. Look at that. Irish Cuban. And I hope my sister's going to have kids, Irish Cubans. That's crazy. She took a picture last week. My wife sent it to me. I almost had a fucking heart attack, you know? Why? You look at these pictures and you're like, where the fuck did time go? I know. I keep telling my friend that, like, you know, it's so hard in the beginning, but then it goes so fast. Oh my goodness. Look at her. I went a little docked the suit on and shit. And her and the fucking wife. Listen,

everything's fine in the living room. She's with me. Terry's on the couch. Terry's on the chair. I'm on the couch. She's laying between my legs with a fucking cell phone and the cat's next to me. The baby has a cell phone? No. She gets Terry's cell phone. Oh, I see what you mean. They watch YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now she's punished again from the cell phone because every time she gets involved with the cell phone, the computer, she pees at parents because she gets so focused on the cell phone. She doesn't get it. She doesn't get it. So my wife is furious tonight. So tonight, before I left the fucking house, I'm in there trying to write and put shit together. And they have one argument. Terry, what's the problem? She won't eat. I said, Terry, not for nothing. How

many times have I got to tell you? She just ate at school and she told you when you said dinner, I'm not hungry. She went up there and it was salami with some fucking vegetables and something. Who eats this shit, Terry? What's wrong with you? I don't say nothing. I don't say nothing because at this point, why is that an argument? Nobody eats that shit, Terry. Yeah, my wife will eat raisin. My wife will raise, she'll raise my wife to death 10 minutes later. Let me get raisins with yoga. Let me get raisins with yoga. Let me get raisins with yoga. My wife is such a stingy fuck. She actually goes to the cabinet and gives her one box. I tell her, dad, she'll come out, daddy, can I get a box of ring, come on. If I stop her and check her, she got three boxes. I know that

going in, you know what I'm saying? But I'm not going to use her or nothing to bust the ball. I don't even ask her. I just hear her run behind me. That's all he hears. She slams the door. She's four. Then about 18 minutes later, daddy can have some, you know, it's always something because she don't want to eat dinner at six, right? Six, 15. She ain't hungry. She just got home. She got the energy of a fucking savage. Her thing is going up, not down. Absolutely. She just got back from school. She's just getting back from school. She gets home. Now it's a different type of stimulation. Yeah. She puts the fucking suit on. So today she was, uh, who the fuck was she today? Today she was a country Western thing. She had that pink hat on. I asked her before I leave because

I bought you had no daddy. Right. She had to fucking come. She lived in the middle of something. Yeah, with some fucking YouTube videos and the fucking thing. No. So that was the beginning. And then I went into the office. We ate dinner. Everybody was excused. My wife let it go. And then there was an argument. I don't know what the argument was about. I came on. She goes, she won't finish it. I stuck up for mercy because she don't want to eat. Don't eat. I go, but you can't eat later. Okay. All right. Fine. Go to bed. Then I went back to the computer room. Not 15 minutes later, I hear yelling and screaming and yelling and screaming. I just shut the computer. I go, what happened now? She goes, she peed her pants. I said, no, I gotta, I gotta stick with

my wife. You know what I'm saying? Sure. I go, she can't have the fucking phone. She threw another fit. I took a shot when left. I got no time to argue with women. You know what I'm saying? I got a wife. I got a podcast with, I don't know, I'm in the city and I'll give it to crazy. She's arguing with Eleanor and Lee. Fuck it. You said them against each other and then you leave. No, he didn't. He took the side of a... I took the side. I took some, my wife's side. I can't fucking let my, my daughter piss in the fucking pants. And even the first one, you, you went on both sides. She don't, she don't pay at school or nothing. She's one of the best kids over there. In fact, they put her in the top class, but this is when she gets on that phone. It stimulates her

a different way and she pees. Well, sure. People like get, they get in... She forgets. And I ask her three times, you got a pee? No daddy. We did the same thing to my nephew. You got a pee? No daddy. You got a pee? No daddy. All right. She fucking pees. I mean, so my wife bans her for two days. My wife's fucking Hitler. Good for her. My wife throws her in that back room and she's done. You know what I'm saying? You got it. She sees a little daylight. I go back there because I got a back door to her room. I'm like a fucking, you know, so I sneak in and I give her a hug. I tell her, I love it. I bolt out of there before she starts making noises and shit. I tell her, she has a teepee in her room. That's pitting him against each other. I threaten her every night. Like,

I'm gonna sleep with a teepee tonight. No, you're not daddy. It's for my fucking whatever. She's got the ugliest teddy bear in there. Some fucking thing from Frozen. Oh, the Olaf. Yeah, it's got Olaf in there. Olaf is in there. I move him over. Let me sleep with him. No, daddy. Go out, daddy, please. Leave daddy. You can go now, daddy, as I told you. I'm gonna sleep with a fucking teepee. She loves that fucking teepee with all her heart. I love that. She's a little Indian. Fucking hysterical when you have children and what you learned from them. What we forget. I'm sure we did the same. Maybe we didn't have as much, but we did the same kind of shit. A teepee would be like building a fort for us. We had that triple bunk bed.

So we would put the sheets. Let me tell you what I was doing the fort. The best. My mom had this bar and behind when you walked in, there was a panel wall that you could tip over if you laid on it, but nobody ever laid on it. It was like this wall right here without the wall in the back. I tell you when you're coming, don't touch that wall because the whole thing came backwards. It was shaped like one of these things, like a rectangle. So the bar, and right here, there was a door to where the pool hall was and where the pool club was in my mom's place. But right in this area here, there was a curtain, but behind that curtain, there were beer bottles, a back stock of beer bottles, and there was maybe 50 cases that were empty of fucking alcohol, like

beer bottles that were empty. I would take all those boxes and line them up at the age of four, right, like two walls, and I would put them up like five feet, even though it was like four foot one, I'd put them up to like five feet, and then I'd run at them and knock them down. My mother would lose her fucking shit. Like what the fuck are you doing? Like this is what I was doing to my mother at the bar. People would be drinking with the balls in here, and it was me running into a fucking case of fucking empty beer bottles. Jesus. That must have been so loud. Jesus Christ, I feel bad for my mother. Give me those fucking things. I'm not, you came out, you got any dates? I don't know. Hey, just the, yeah, the Vegas or Dice. I'm trying to think what. If I get a

Philly date or a Bogota date, you're coming with me. Oh, I would love to. It's over and shit like that. It's a new year, cocksuckers. It's a new year. All right. All I got to say to you is one thing. Everybody needs work right now. Things are going on. Things are tough, but opportunities are opening up for people in weird fucking ways, you know. I knew nothing about this. Lee's the young guy. Lee would tell me, yeah, I took this, the other dad, took that, the other day. Then he came in here one day, and he told me that the acid that night, and then he fucking took a lift and he told me what lift was and what'd you think, Lee? I loved it. It's a great service. I feel like they're a little bit nicer. They, I actually went through their driver training

at one point. They have a real emphasis on getting to know the people you're riding with. It was just a nice, and this person, this specific driver was just really cool. He had a nice car, he had lights in it. Now they have all the cars you like, all the packages. They do have a, they do, Lyft does have a premium packages. So if you have a nicer car and you sign up to drive, they give you a higher rate. Okay. So yes. So yeah. So they have all that. It's a, and then they have a thing called Lyft line, which is really cool, where if you're going, they'll stop and pick someone else up along the way and you guys, it's a cheaper fare. Okay. So it's, they have a bunch of different options. I took them that time. You turned me on to them and they were great. I really had a great time.

The guy was great. He had waters in the car. That's the best. It was a nice car. No, no, no, it was a great experience. So if you're in between jobs and you're looking to earn some extra money, right? You're going back to school yourself to get another degree or maybe your first one. Maybe you're writing the great American novel and you're looking for some inspiration. Or you're seeking alternate funding for a new startup. It's not a bad idea to go to Lyft. There are other ways to read, you know, ride sharing apps out there, but Lyft treats their drivers right. It's a flexible way to make some extra money anytime from nearly anywhere. All you need is a car. Lyft drivers can make up to $35 an hour and getting started is just a tap away.

You could drive mornings, nights, weekends, just flipping the driving mode and start making money. Plus Lyft drivers can earn tips right through the app. Those add up fast. You understand me? And you don't have to wait for days or weeks to get paid. You can cash out instantly once you've made $50. All right? $50. Thanks to Express Pay. Now, driving with Lyft is super flexible. Okay? Listen, guys, this is the way to go. It allows you to keep 100% of your tips and there's always and they're always there when you need extra cash. This is one of the best jobs going. What are you doing? You're paying a high nut for your car and you're sitting home watching TV at night. Take two rides. What do you care? Do me a favor. Sign up today. Go to lyft.com slash Joey. And right

now Lyft has a special offer for our listeners. You'll get $500 new driver bonus after you complete 100 rides within 30 days. Go to lyft.com slash Joey today so you can start making extra money and get your $500 new driver bonus. Limited time only. Restrictions apply. All right? What do you think you're dealing with? Joey bananas or what? Number two, one of my best ever. You know what? A friend of mine called me the other day and he said he was very happy that I recommended this to him because he asked me one time that he heard about all these type of things. Lee was on it. Lee Blue Apron. I love it. It's a great service. It teaches people to cook. It's healthy and it's easy. There's no complaints. And it's perfectly measured so there's never any waste. Did you

what were some of your favorite recipes you told me about? Oh my god. There's this spicy pomodoro pasta that I it's just amazingly. It taught me how to make a tomato sauce which was great. I loved the there was a chicken but the thing that I loved is that it taught me how to make mashed potatoes. I've never made that before in my life. You've never made mashed potatoes before? Not once before in my life. Listen to me. Look at me. What's up? I'm one of the dumbest people you know. Even I was making mashed potatoes at like 12 you fuck. Same. Potatoes, milk, a little dash of sour cream and some fucking butter with some salt and pepper and whip that mother fuck up with a fork then turn it into a spoon. See? Spanish style. What are you nuts or what, Lee Sayed? You should

be shot and hung but I'm happy Blue Apron taught you how to make mashed potatoes. Now not all ingredients are created equal. Fresh, high quality ingredients make a real difference that's important. You know where your food comes from. Right. Less than ten dollars per person. Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with proportion ingredients to make delicious home cooked meals. Choose from a variety of new recipes each week or let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise you. Can you imagine coming home and they're sending you like a lobster tartar? What are you nuts or what? Recipes are not repeated within a year so you'll never get bored. Customize your recipes each week based on your preferences. Blue Apron has several delivery options so you can choose what fits your needs and there's no

weekly commitment so you only get deliveries when you want them. Each meal comes with a step by step. Easy to follow recipe card. We're ready for this one. Pre-proportioned ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. Wow. You cook everything, you go in the shower, you wash your monkey, you come back out, you stare it and within 30 minutes you're eating like a savage. You understand me? Check out this week's menu. All right. Cheesy chicken and black bean enchiladas. What are you nuts or what? Cream, shrimp, spaghetti. That's the two person menu. The family menu ready for this. Mixed mushrooms and potato pizza with fontina cheese and spinach. Can you imagine learning how to make that at home? Blackened Cajun catfish with sweet potato. All this stuff you can learn from

Blue Apron. So do me a favor. All right. Right now you get free three meals. I'm going to give you three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash joey. Listen, it's a new year. You got new options. Give it a try. You'll love how good it feels and tastes and you'll create incredible home cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash joey. All right. Listen, give Blue Apron a shot. Columbus did. That's blueapron.com slash joey. Columbus did. What's a good weekly, Sian? I love you to death. Look at you. Look, what are you doing this week? And surprise me. What is the torture of death? What are you doing this week? You taking a balloon to fucking spreads? Oh, no, it's Paul's birthday on Sunday. I'm not sure what we're doing yet.

You better get on it. Well, I don't know if I have the part. Why don't you go see the Harlem Globetrotters? Oh, they're here. I'm going to see the Harlem Globetrotters in a second. You should go see the Harlem Globetrotters. I've seen the Harlem Globetrotters. I want to see if they've held up. I'm thinking about it. It's on my birthday. Oh, really? On Sundays at the Staples. Yeah, why not? I don't know if she's gonna like it. I would hate for her to get sick on the way down there. So sometimes you and she got sick again the other day. She's not good in the car. What about the time? Would you get sick on the train? I'm not taking my child on a fucking train. Lemons. No. This is close. I agree with Joey. Lemons helps good helps a lot with the car or

mints. Any kind of mints helps with the nausea. I'll clean it up. Each fucking mint with your fingers and shit. You got to come do the Comedy Store podcast for us. You've been telling me for two fucking years. I don't know. No, it's not two years. Only two months. You know what, man? From time to time I've been here. I love doing it. And I can't tell you how very proud I am. A lot of people, you know, even that story about the fiance, that could have broken most people. A lot of people from there, you just go to drink and a year later your mother sends you 200 to take a great home. You're going home, sperm's dripping, dripping out of your spores, your assholes all busted. You know what I'm saying? You were in love. You know what I'm

saying? He ran up your credit card, he crashed your car. Yeah, you could. You sold your car to Bob Baker. Holy, you dropping the name. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fucking name? I don't know. Well, if he changed it. You know what, bro? He created his own fucking grave. He was talented. He was very talented. He had some people looking at him. No, that's what made me think of bringing up the store podcast because we could talk about the comic store stories. So there was a comic. So many funny stories. So that's something. It's bad enough Bob Baker's up there. Yeah. And every night you go up to Bob and go Bob, let me get a taste. He'll give you a taste and go Bob. What's the story? Some of your grand brother, listen, give me 10 minutes. The Mexican's going to show up

and I'll take care of you. And he always showed up. I remember him too. But then we would go to rent the hotel room. Some nights. Me, him, Shubes, a bunch of us. Yeah. We'll go to that sunset in chipping $20 and go to those rooms and snort, get a bottle from the store and then stop and get other bottles. And then what the fuck happened? Then all of a sudden one day this guy used to be a fucking degenerate fiend. But he sold his comedy club like somebody came and bought his lip out. Do you remember him? 1998. Lee, this guy came out here with a suitcase with like 300,000 cash and checked into a hotel on Sunset and it was in his room. And I would go to his room and snort coke with him. I never got to the money. I always stole an eight ball. I stole more eight

balls from him than anybody. He put them all on the counter. I always took one in between my fingers and closed my hand. Were you keeping it with the hotel safe? No. The money was somewhere in that fucking hotel room. And if I tell you something, Lisa, he left here when that suitcase was empty. I believe it. And it took him four months. He spent 300 large in four months on the sunset strip. I believe it. He lived in fucking in a hotel. He ate steaks. He even bought a kilo to try to sell coke and make money to recoup his profit. He went under. He lost fucking money. He lost fucking money because he was out every night. Bob Baker, him, we were out every fucking night. It was a horrible, horrible time, horrible time. And I used to live right there with the

kid, Bobby Kelly. So I would just walk from that hotel to Kelly's house and I remember taking a girl home from the hotel with no blow. I was playing like, come on, let's go back. I took her to the building to the stairway. She's like, where's the coke? I don't know. Who the fuck do you think you are? You fat bastard? You tricked me. She just ran away. I go back to my house and go to sleep. What do I care? She walked me halfway to the door. You know what I'm saying? What do I care? It's a different time when they're walking you to the door, Joe. Different fucking time. Amazing. I'm happy that you guys tuned in. I love that you came on the show tonight. Thank you

for having me. My fucking night. You're a bad motherfucker. I'm really proud of you as a woman, as a female comic. Did you march on Sunday? I did not march on Saturday. Good, but you stuck to your craft. Yeah. And you believed in you and believed that most women fucking tap out by now. Find the fucking guy, have a kid and say, fuck, I did comedy for a while. I knew everybody. Yeah, good, but it's tough to stick with and that's where you get my respect. That's why you're on the show and I know I love you all around. You're one of my favorite people. I like Lisa. Yeah, everything solid over there. You're all fucked up, which is good. There's a point in the podcast where you're seeing colors. Good. What color are you seeing? It's spots. Let me tell you

some next week. We have a great guest on Monday. I think next Wednesday, February 1st is when Lee and I test that acid. It's been fermenting now. Oh, they said to look for 14 days. It's fucking granulating. The sugar looks tremendous. The sugar cubes. Are you excited? I've given it the enough oxygen. It's dry. Here's the thing. I like it. It's fun, but he tortures me for about three weeks now and he gets my because he doesn't know what I'm giving him. I'm taking him to the next level. So just give it to me. He's just going to black out and see fucking stars for a little while. And he's going to go on an acid trip. He's going to see himself in the desert with a cat chasing him and shit. Sounds terrifying to me. He's going to wake up sweating like a pig here.

It doesn't sound like super fun to me either. Listen to the fucking... Why do you do it? What is this? Peer pressure? Absolutely. He knows I tore a mentham. What am I going to do? I call him. Absolutely. Listen, I call him with the acid calls three weeks before I drop it off. Good. So he's mentally prepared. He knows what's coming. I'm not mentally prepared. Say Rocky, he's got a train for a fight. And what we're going to do that night is we're going to hire a cameraman. We're going to do it here and then we're going to go out. You always said you wanted to go out. Let's go out. Let's take a couple lifts and we're all around town and tape it. We'll hire a lift for the night. Perfect. I'll make some blue aprons. Yeah, we'll get some blue aprons.

You know, we don't play games here. I love you, motherfuckers. See you Monday night, 8 p.m. Same bat time. Same bat channel. Follow Eleanor on Twitter, Facebook, all that social media. I have a website. A website. Yeah. J.Kerrigan. Follow her. Go see it. She's the last real fucking deal out there. These women I bring on the show are fucking savages. They all could have been Vietnam vets. That's the type of heart they have. Give them the respect they deserve. Lee kick that fucking meal cocksuck. I love you. See you guys Monday or if not, I'll see you Nashville next Thursday night. Stay black, bitches. You're hilarious. You know what? You're hilarious. Hey man, I'm just trying to fucking get this party started.

I don't believe there's any future in the past.