Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #452 - Esther Ku

Episode Date: February 2, 2017

Esther Ku, Comedian and Host of the "Ku and The Gang" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water. Zeel - Get the best massage of your life, in your home. Get $25 off of your first massage when you go to Zeel.com/church or use promo code church on the zeel app.  Recorded live on 02/01/2017.


20 stories now the church of what's happening now is presented by on it the church of what's happening now is thrilled to introduce you to zeal zeal is the app that brings massages right to your door try out zeal that's z-e-e-l right now and get $25 off of your first massage to do that you're gonna enter promo code at checkout you can go to zeal.com or they have an iPhone and Android app go to zeal.com and a promo code church to check out to get $25 off of your first massage shows also brought to you by hello tushy.com the days are back the church what's happening now is thrilled to introduce you to hello

tushy.com hello tushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt completely clean with water it sounds too good to be true I love it go to hello tushy.com right now slash church to get 10% off of your order that's hello tushy.com slash church to get 10% off I'm happy you're here you were just gonna sit there fucking anyway give me some valium there Lee Syat it's the church of what's happened now Wednesday February 1st bitches what happened in January oh shit oh shit just when you thought it was safe motherfuckers Lee Syat

Astakoo Joey Diaz the diversity crew in the house are you fucking kidding me or what we at church at the motherfucking church what's your bench made on it is it first who's your favorite creture for oh shit what's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle Joey here direct from the voodoo lounge what is it favorite nephew Lee Syat and his favorite niece Esther fucking cuckoo in the motherfucking house direct from Miami Beach man uncle Joey Diaz Miami Beach that's right in these Zika streets oh shit oh shit I brought you I brought you a couple vials of some Zika what is that called Zika vaccine in case you

want to impregnate anyone oh you know throw that throw that Joey Diaz super power star spermage out there into the universe shit how bad is the Zika down there they disappeared right that I mean it's weird because at first they were like oh it's really dangerous watch out don't go outside we're bug spray everywhere and then now the World Health Organization is like don't worry it's not as it's not as threatening as we thought originally scary pregnant women but yeah it's fucking scary I was watching this new segment of this pregnant lady she was outside and the news people were at her house she's

endangering her baby and herself by doing this stupid news segment for what just so people can Facebook you I saw you on TV stay in the house with the fucking shades drawn she's coming out of her house with the cameras at her house going yeah I don't leave the house much I'm like bitch you're outside right now I get the fucking house risking this is a Zika mosquito somewhere getting your baby it's fucking crazy at that shit's gonna that is like that's gonna affect our life when is the Zika movie coming out like when they're there is too soon they really have how long do you have to wait fucking sci-fi

already got a fucking movie with that blonde chick what's her name the chick Scarlett Johansson no no no the beat-up one the one that was in Sharknado Tara Reid and she goes on vacation and she's in the fucking bugs crawling her purse and she opens up the purse they all fly out of the party Sharknado no no with Zika NATO this is gonna be her with this fucking sci-fi Zika NATO she goes to fucking Brazil she comes back she opens up her luggage and all these mosquitoes fly out and bind everybody in fucking Brentwood and that's it nobody's killed more people since OJ would you rather get killed by Zika or sharks I

don't fucking know I hate those type of questions I just want to not be bothered you know I'm saying yeah I don't want people asking me creepy questions like this I know I'm really creepy speaking of NATO's you you're from Miami I don't understand like I was talking to a friend of ours who was down in Miami during one of the big hurricanes a couple months ago and she's just like oh yeah the hurricane shutters it's a party that does not make sense like it's almost like hurricanes out here hurricanes I don't get how it's just oh it's a hurricane party we all might die and our houses might fall in but it's like

earthquake parties here I don't have her earthquake parties you don't no well you just don't like parties we don't know what an earthquake is coming it's not like Miami my friend our friend went to Florida and when she landed two days later that big storm was gonna hit she went to see she went to a family's house and then like what are you worried about we got beer we got reefer we shut it the windows we're gonna have a party it's like a snowstorm yeah it's a party it's a snow day ain't nobody gonna work tomorrow right so let's get fucked up and see the devil we had to run from my houses the worst doesn't happen is a

power gonna go off perfect perfect power goes off that means somebody gets kissed it's not supposed to you know I'm saying or molested or molested it depends on your point of view well depends how many beers you had depends on if you're the most them had yeah less star or molesty is fucking crazy what do you want to do you want to sit there in horror play scrabble think about how many things you've gone into and they haven't been as bad as you thought they were gonna be and then you got topical storm how did I fuck my head up so much into thinking this was gonna be so bad the same thing happens because

television the media the media tell you those first off those weathermen are 5050 they're 5050 on a good day on a good day they're 50 fucking 50 this fucking guy here Dallas rain that dude is always wrong I like when he gives you what time to stop stop don't tell me the time fuck oh he always says about one o'clock storms will be coming no they're not no they're not they're coming in the fall I could tell you that when I wake up in the morning look at the fucking sky I went to a hurricane preparedness meeting and I learned a lot what'd you learn I learned the safest place where do you think the safest

place to be during a hurricane in your basement no Florida doesn't have basements it's all swamps underneath so where's the safest place to be you go in the bathtub and put a mattress over you that's right in the bad that can save your life tornado you go in the basement but a hurricane because all these trees are gonna fall and your roof is gonna fall so cover something what's the biggest object in your house right in a natural disaster a mattress what else they tell you gotta pack food yeah they have all this food that like like army food or you could just like and water and water yeah and and these meals

prepared to go meals there's like an acronym for them I forgot what it was MREs right yeah meals ready to eat yeah like that's what the army uses I have an earthquake kit I mean it's I got me I did it when I first moved here they sell them people got me so worked up when I'm here water what's no I I have a water bottle that has a filter on it just so I do have water in my house but I have a water bottle filter I have AM AM radio solar powered radio I don't know if I have that I have clothes I have some batteries I have one of my car I have one of my houses but I haven't changed it since like six years I have like six

year old granola bars in there I don't even really but I don't know I like when I first moved here I was terrified of them I was terrified of earthquakes I was terrified also but then I looked at my uncle my uncle's lived here since nineteen fucking 60 you know something like 1960 you know he's the fucking doesn't have doesn't need scars from her earthquakes no I'm not scared because when I first came to California when I was 12 I had an earthquake there was an earthquake here when I was here for two weeks what year was when you were 12 what year it was like 1994 yeah yeah Northridge 93 I mean no no I mean it

wasn't it wasn't a big earthquake it was a tiny one tiny one so that's why I'm not scared of earthquakes because I've never seen I've never been in like a destructive one yeah yeah they've been saying for years we're gonna have a destructive one here and you wake up here you want you do the best you can all I pray for it's not in the middle of fucking night when you sleep and trees are going through your fucking thing and you the whole ground opens up and swallows you while you fucking sleep as long as you're in one of those blocks where you're living on a flat block how much damage can it do unless you know

it's the one this house is there on the hills that I think are scary during an earthquake don't you think fuckers started falling three nights yeah Demi Lovato's house no during the rain somebody the other day on Laurel Kent had a close it's closed she just she just bought the house for eight mils she even moving yet eight million dollar house hasn't moved in yet and the house Demi Lovato one of those Demi Lovato the other one kind of cute singer yeah sounds like it the side of the fucking mountain went down holy shit front yard did she get insurance before she bought it I don't know it's five five people live

on the block so wow five houses on the block all of them pretty much got they can't go in and out of the house that shit petrified yesterday I was that shit all those houses on Laurel Canyon when you're going downhill and they're real close to the road I don't give a fuck if they want $10 I'll buy a house in Detroit before I buy a house up there yesterday there was a fire on the sidewalk from a gas pipe just like on the street where just I don't know somewhere in LA I don't know where I was but you saw it I saw it okay like the the ambulance came I mean the fire trucks came and we were all like what's

going on it's so loud and the sidewalk was on fire and it would not go out it was a little flame it was like this big like a tiny cute little place I'm fucking dude stab three dudes at a jack-in-the-box right there on Sunset by Amoeba yeah by Amoeba that's my fucking battle ground damn it how many times I walked on that fucking street when I saw him at the corner swipe at the chick they got the video of him swiping at the white chick and her running backwards and then that's a student went into a he went into a jack-in-the-box Lee aren't you happy when a jack-in-the-box yesterday at lunchtime well

that's where I was when I went to whatever it's called Roscoe's and I was walking on that block so that's fucking it's here and like a couple months like you're just getting weird out there like that guy who just killed a girl with a shotgun remember that a couple months ago on like Sunset or Hollywood Boulevard in broad daylight yeah just in broad daylight a girl and just shot it and then they found out something crazy like so she worked with her he had put the job something fucking just listen man that's the type of shit that makes you think to like if I was single I didn't give a fuck I don't give a fuck but with

the baby and my wife yeah they walk to the zoo sometimes some guys just there stabbing but even if you're single you should give a fuck I wouldn't give a fuck about me I wouldn't give a fuck you know I'm saying like that that's what I'm saying like I wouldn't really be concerned a little I go you know when I gotta pack a gun I gotta get a bulletproof vest that type of shit but I guess that's why guys get married so that you could give a fuck no it's it's a it's a weird expression like I wouldn't really worry about it that much you know like I wouldn't really even think twice about it but you you start thinking about all

the people I know in Hollywood that walk around that walk the fuck around Hollywood that live over there Schrader that Schrader Kawanga you know me fucking people work at that CNN building and walk up that hill every day to go to that fucking burger joint and the taco joint and Joe's pizza you know me fucking those people there's 12 floors there I can't imagine do you guys get dark a lot like when you're just because you guys are so you're comedians you everyone would think you're funny and happy going whenever like if I'm driving and I whenever I've talked about this but the the ramps from highway to highway I always think those are

gonna fall on me or I'm gonna when I'm driving over them they're gonna fall I just go I go dark immediately I think the worst thing is gonna happen if someone doesn't call me back they're dead I used to think like that oh yeah and I've been training my mind to like not do that to to sort of like not let my fears control me because I've let my fears control me since I was a kid and now I've made a big shift mentally that's the cool that's starting yet fucking hitting you I can tell are you serious how much does this have those are

the 200 milligram what which ones did you give me these one right here let me see the label because 125 I asked you how much how much how many milligrams they are and I swear you said 25 125 125 yeah is that a lot it's depends I think that's a lot I think 10 is a lot for me depends what you call we took like 2000 we took like 2000 but we're in training you know what I'm saying Jesus Christ we're taking it to a different level when you start talking about fears you should I can tell that star is hitting me you're getting all fucking

foment you on me and shit it's koo manchu you're all fucking fortune cooking out and shit it's koo manchu ah but yeah no because sometimes your fears can come to life in your real life oh fuck they always do they do right don't they show up that was one of my biggest fears I mean little jew fuck how's your eye I remember you were like ah the last time we got caught with jacuzzi fingering your butthole and rubbing your eye at the same time yeah he's disgusting are you okay are you

okay got that disease up at the fucking that was his last day no no ask him about his last day that was my that was my first impression of you no no no that was she was there the last time I was at this all point I don't I don't know if you were there the first time scoot over I don't want to get what you have no I don't have anything anymore then the second time I'm sure you still carry the virus well fucking leave there's something I never had any sort of skin issues until I like when you huff and puff well that's because he gets me all worked up

he tells me I'm not going through training and I have I take edibles now someone emailed me like you essentially have a heroin habit take a break take a break but I was I take it and he just tells he he likes to mess with me and he knows he's messing with me that's why you're here ah fucking people take a break they don't know nothing those are the same people that quit everything and they're fucking we're not quitters here we go deep into the murky waters we're not quitters we're shitters absolutely so how are you doing ester cool

I'm good how are you I'm doing really good I uh I was talking to someone yesterday the other day and he was saying that luckily he doesn't think that the uh the edible doses are going to go down he thinks you're gonna get to keep you your medical card in California which I'm pretty excited for it's uh I don't know who gets what's going on those fucking things every day they're supposed to shrink them to 10 nobody really knows it got voted in and nobody's talking you just gotta eat more listen it doesn't

even make people fatter doesn't even because you're gonna eat more just to get to that 2000 then you can in a concentrated thing it doesn't even matter to me I wonder I wonder if like the calls to 911 call centers have gone up since these edibles have become so readily available around here probably right probably I know we've had three people that weren't here that went to the hospital and shit like that oh really who one of your guests yeah two of our guests had a boogie

and one of them just got up and walked out during the podcast no way he walked around the park barefoot for like two hours he didn't know where he was brody stevens no this is a legit to quit jack no i'm kidding yeah bro this is a legit to quit aida aida got sex aida rodriguez aida was really cool aida's dynamite i've known aida for years and we were sitting talking and i left the stars out just the way they are there and during the conversation she just reached out

stuck her hand in and took one and 30 40 minutes later though i just saw a fucking change you know oh my god it's really weird sometimes people come on the show and they eat a star and i'm sitting right here next to them and i could see the star grip them like ester cool i could see like they ate the star and they've done edibles before and stuff like that yeah was like i think because of the light and the way we are and the way the light hits you because the way you ever eat an edible and go on stage

yeah it's a different animal every time i open for you once the adrenaline gets cooking and shit and it's a fun thing to do look at poorly he's going through changes right now i'm just thinking about all the time i went through changes yeah oh my god so uh she ate it and i could tell like half an hour 40 minutes i could tell her demeanor she was fine when she left but once you get in that call and you start feeling your heart beat by yourself you're like oh fuck i gotta go to the hospital you know so

i mean that's a thing a lot of people want to prepare for you smoke a ton of weed you live in miami you use the weed exercising i rely on weed to exist yeah so yeah this ain't gotta do nothing to you it's that maybe i should eat some more no no no no no no oh if in an hour you're like joey you're an asshole okay yeah let's test me in an hour you weigh 100 pounds that's a good idea with a rock in your pocket yeah so you know i didn't mean to Fakely dose you you know

Anyway, I thought you're good. I thought you were good for like 125 because I know you're a professional You know you do Doug show you smoke with them. So I thought yeah, yeah, no I am I just I'm not I don't do edibles so often. How is the weed seen in Miami? Is there a little more expensive than here? It's so cheap out here. Really? Oh my god, you guys are so lucky because they bring it from here down there They charge your law they bring Canadian weed down there. They tell you it's from Cali And you got that going on too. I was arrested on a plane You know you ever smoke in a bathroom plane. Yeah, you do once once two three times happen Virgin caught me the buzzer went off, but they couldn't smell it. So they didn't do none. Was it a vape? Yeah

Yeah, same thing. They smelt it. No, they couldn't smell it. So I was like, I don't know what happened and they were like, oh, I'm sorry They apologize to me and then Would they say anything to you at the end of the flight? No, nothing. No cop waiting for you Nothing did you feel like they were watching you after you got caught because not even watching. Oh, I broke my Pen and a half and gave it to my wife to hold And I go give it back to me I put it in my bag in the sleep apnea. I threw mine in the in the garbage can in the playing bathroom And I like left and went to my seat then when I realized they didn't suspect me of anything. I just went back

Yeah, they that that's that vapor makes I thought somebody told me didn't I found out the hard way when I'm banging on the door I had like a your phones on So I had music on I'm fucking stone to the gills I'm peeing I'm peeing everywhere Fucked up. I take my vapor pad out next thing, you know, I hear boom boom boom boom boom. What are you smoking? They open the door open it Like what happened they're like, oh, you know what the plane ship I bumped into this thing over here is That what it is. I know no, no, okay. No problem

But that's how they narrow you when you land. That's what they say something to you. They hate you would have by the way Like I've been stopped When I landed a couple times cops have come up to me and said we got a problem but That's ratio profile. No, I've gotten into beef some planes. Oh, okay Profile nobody racially Fuck I am they look at me. I think I'm Italian look at the IDDS they go We don't even want to know go ahead. Enjoy your day. You got weapons. No, you got drugs. No, no

We don't want to know that you could be in the witness relocation. They think I'm in the witness relocation plan I Don't know how many people that I've looked at witness protection program. Yeah, people think I'm in the witness protection Why because I look Italian with a Spanish fucking name Not just like so you look suspicious No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's no suspicious here They just think like I had a guy tell me one time guy you're in the witness relocation plan at a comedy hotel Next time somebody sits in next to me on the plane and ask me what I do

I'm gonna say I'm in the witness protection, but I go why would you say that because your name is Jose Diaz But you look like the guy from the sopranos You do you do look Italian so like a lot of Italians in movies, right? No, yeah, I don't play Spanish roles at all Never. I don't think you look Italian. I think it's because of your voice When the shut up Lee, he looks Italian. When did that start though? You're at your I guess it's not even Italian It's just like New York and New Jersey. Yeah That's inter you'd be surprised how many people have said to me and especially When I've traveled to smaller towns like Ann Arbor, Michigan, you know why because that's where they put

Those people oh in a college town. They put them any they put them everywhere They put them right listen a college town would be fun How fucking crazy is this because college kids are so self-involved They would never look at a wall of at a post office and be like that guy looks like him How about the feds put a friend of mine that the Cubans were looking for in Fort Lauderdale And they lived peacefully for the rest of their life The Cubans are right in Miami. They were looking for them and the feds put these people in Fort Lauderdale in high school the whole fucking thing Wow

All right, what are those not that far? No, because they put them right there in your backyard You're looking somewhere else and they're fucking you know inside that was a very very way like Henry Hill I don't know where the fuck they took him at first He went to Tennessee But you stick out like a sore thumb in those places. Yeah You stick out so they have to you gotta you gotta shuffle it They have to put you somewhere where you could mix in where you would never suspect them never never when you least expect it That's a weird thing to just because you've gone on the run before but to have someone tell you that you have to go and

That you can't talk to anybody What do you mean the witness location? Yeah, or just I mean being on the run I mean because you can talk about that because you can't you can't call anybody I had to go to karate this morning with my daughter. She got a belt promotion and one of the other kids in the class as a Cuban kid He's Cuban and something else like Iranian or something like that real cute kid the mother's Cuban the father's whatever But he's an FBI agent So we got into a conversation tonight Into a mild conversation

Just about generalities where I was from who I grew up with And we started talking about the FBI when they first got Sammy the bull Gravano When they first got Sammy the bull Gravano the FBI Wanted John Gotti so fucking bad stop fidgeting Lee the FBI wanted John Gotti so fucking bad You ready for this one? Mm-hmm. They made Sammy the bulls Loan shark collection The FBI collected his loan shark payments Before Sammy the bull fully went into the witness relocation plan

He was making 60,000 a month and loan shark payments and he refused to go in until all that debt was collected He had like 1.5 million on the street or something still And he made the FBI go collect the debts for him. He would call the fucking people up Were the FBI doing that on the side or as their job as their job they wanted him so bad a Couple weeks ago. I went down to Tempe, Arizona And I went for a walk one morning and I was like

When fucking Sammy the bull Gravano first left New York and he lived in Brooklyn, you know the five boroughs He lived in Brooklyn. He was a captain in Brooklyn or Queens or something like that. No, no, he lived in Staten Island But he worked out of Brooklyn and then you know when he first flipped on John Gotti They took him directly Somewhere else, but where they settled was Scottsdale, Arizona And while he was in Scottsdale, he opened up an Italian restaurant Called the Olive Garden. No, it was called the best kept secret in Scottsdale That was the book of matches. No way

It took him years to find but remember Sammy didn't give a fuck Sammy went right out there and started telling people who he was He opened up a pool clean business They were gonna go down there and get him and then they hired Chicago police department Cops from Chicago to go down there and shoot him. But right before they got down there. He got arrested by the feds For ecstasy his son was involved in an ecstasy ring Since he had knowledge in the whole thing. He got arrested. Okay They put him in jail in Scottsdale

All right But there's this fucking dude In jail in Newark, New Jersey Who's doing these documentaries? And he's telling all these fucking stories and shit about the people he killed. I Think the first two documentaries were real. I think after that he just started claiming everybody Like he would claim fucking anybody but doesn't matter one of his documentaries the last one He spoke about killing a cop

In Jersey and they said to him who gave you the order and he goes the Gambino's When they interviewed Sammy the bogeyvano when he turned himself in you have to tell him everything Everything I Don't give a fuck if you ran over a cat you better fucking tell him because they can't come back to haunt him So during his interviews they kept asking him will give you leniency, but you better not have killed the cop order for that guy To kill that cop came from Sammy the bogeyvano The feds right away went to

Scottsdale took him out of that charges him in Jersey and put him in Colorado in Tomahawk He's under the fucking jail. He's in the jail in Tomahawk. That's underground They built in Colorado for the worst people. That's where the terrorist are. That's where Carlos laid there is because he lied Because he lied because he embarrassed the feds Because he told he was the see he was the first one that really Went in there so he had his way Not only that but he conned that he told him he was never involved in drugs and

Then people started turning themselves in and all they all had stories my partner was Sammy Your lion Sammy was not involved in drugs gone All these people are thrown out of the program because Sammy had lied. He said he wasn't involved in drugs But these people all when they went in they said I sold fucking ships for the kwayloons With Sammy what the fuck are you talking about? So They got pissed at him for that they still have a month of fucking prison

I mean, but if you're getting caught by the feds, you're gonna lie Not if you turn yourself in and cut a deal who's gonna turn themselves in Sammy did Would you? At that situation Sammy the bull Gravano, they played tapes and the feds doctored the tapes and they made Sammy look like a killer So they were gonna throw John Gotti in jail for 50,000 years But they were gonna throw Sammy in jail in there with him to listen all this audio

Evidence right this garbage you can't trust it anymore. Nowadays any Teenager can just edit audio on a computer to make it look like sound like how crazy is that that? It's crazy. That doesn't hold up in court anymore. You got a great attorney. He actually hires F X FBI people To re-examine tapes that the FBI examined further for evidence and they find all the fucking Inequalities in the tape Once you throw that tape in if there's a big money attorney, he's gonna call for an investigator And he's gonna hire a next FBI sound guy and he's gonna come up with it's a fucking scam

It's a scam in other words. It makes you spend more money on your defense So now I could attack you from a different way. So it's a lot of different ways with You know if Scientology takes you to court, they string you up a litigation Litigation means you're spending money They got all the money to keep you tangled up. That just keeps an attorney 5,000 a fucking day How long can you do 5,000 a day for cheese two weeks and you're tapping on? Damn You know the witness relocation program. I read a book years ago named wit sec

20 years ago when the Miami improv was on the third floor Towards the back. There was a borders books as soon as I would go pick up the key to the condo I would go on that thing and buy two or three books. It was my fucking addiction number two to cocaine I hate going to library. I hate buying books. I've been read already. I like buying fresh books I wouldn't be fucking disgusting fingers on my fucking book or the pages are just more brittle at the library, so I Read this book wit sec and it had stories of ten different people. They didn't even give their real names, but how They had really succeeded They had really fucking succeeded like, you know, there's some people going to the witness relocation plan

if you look up the statistics for what the Failure reign is it'll blow your mind. You got to assume the feds are lying about that, too. I Guarantee it's 5050 because you can't take the animal out of the person. That's the cool When those people go to that small village, didn't they take that rat out of that guy's asshole on jackass? I Don't know about that. I don't watch that shit. I'm talking about reality. He's a life here I don't know about the jackass or rats. Do you ever see the movie my blue heaven? No Do you ever see it? No. No, you why would you? Why does that have to be in trouble because that's the is that's the year you're from Boston

So what's it which I look up for witness we look at your statistics for a wit sec program And see what the fucking failure is I guarantee it would blow your mind and they're gonna dope it up But I read like 11 different stories. That's the point is of people who had been come What is that when I say that you murdered somebody For no, no, no, no, no, nobody gets falsely fucking accused here When you murdered somebody right but I murdered six bitches So you know go I was there when he murdered Lee plea agreement plea agreement. No

Whatever so I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about now cuz both these got a fucking throw me off like stereo You know, I'm high, you know, I'm barely holding on here to fucking memory and shit like that And you got to throw something out like my wife to throw the whole fucking battlefield Sometimes I'm sitting there. I'm ready to leave the fucking house. I got something in my hand and she'll say something I get in the car map way around the corner because she said something to me on the way out I forgot the whole fucking kid in Kabuto

I'm getting old. That's the cool So the 11 people that went to these places bro, they started beautiful lives Wow beautiful lives like they looked at each other and said that's it if I do this Uh-huh, we had a guy in here. We had a guy in here that came in here one time and did the church He lived on Laurel Kang and I made I did one of his movies He was the first guy to roll on John Gotti for heroin And do you want me to tell you what his reason was to get out what did he had two kids that were gonna be big time? football players

Like they were like soft moors and they had already been hit up from college and they let him out, right? So no, no, no, he took his kids. He went to Texas They became all state football players and they went to the University of Colorado the different names Wow, I found it. They're saying so what they're saying is they couldn't wear their own names on their jerseys No, yeah, the way different name They're saying that 17% of people have received it Precipited is is that what you're trying to find out is that because that's kind of a failure, right? If you get criminal commit a crime on

Whitek it's 17% compared to 41% of parolees, so it's less than parolees, but they're saying that 95% of the people in the program are criminals, so it's no they're fucking ice cream people. Yeah, they're fucking criminals I don't know. I thought like I thought that more of them were gonna be like the the kind of witnesses where like I witnessed something and They're gonna kill me just because I'm a witness. Oh, I see what you're saying. I figured it was more than 5% of that who know, but it's uh, I Can't believe you know multiple people who have been put in that program God damn and to just be thrown like I can't imagine someone coming to my house one day and be like you have to move your entire life That's so sad. I Tell you all the time people get involved with people and no shit about

And all of a sudden you're putting a little change in your pocket You're living like you've never lived before and you get blinded by this ether happens every day in America happens every day everyone You know next thing you know you go on vacations you buy nice cars your wife is happy She's letting you put it up her ass for the first time in 15 years No, no, no, I'm just fucking saying No, no, I'm just saying that this is what everybody's happy everybody's sucking this ether you buying your wife diamonds You know and all of a sudden The shit gets tight and all of a sudden they come to your house

You got a kid that's five. You got a kid that's seven. You've been hanging out with criminals That professional so you're an amateur you did paperwork you moved a couple numbers Guess what those numbers are gonna get you and your wife 40 fucking years and your kids are gonna have to live with your mother In fucking Chicago and she's an alcoholic and his dad bites his toenails So now what the fuck do you do? You got yourself in a bad jam What do you do ester cool? You know these people you know when they have more money and you know where the drugs are You call the feds and they put you in Portland, Oregon and you live your life on the mr. And mrs. Fucking Joe Smith And your kids have to change their names their school records get a sponge, you know

Everything is gone everything so they walk in with kids Not everything is gone. There's something that they do that's got to be weird the feds We're being a kid being told can you imagine you can't go by Joey anymore? Can you imagine your new name is? It's it's a listen man. Nothing is free. I mean they don't go to jail per se But you go to jail you go to your own personal prison Because you can't live the way you did You can't go to the places that they used to do you can never go home You can never go home. You never contact your family

Contact your friends from those years. You can't do nothing and maybe it may be this just in movies But that is torture but listen to me. They even have percentages for people who make calls Oh, okay, they even had a broken his book They even had a broken down like the percentages like it was a book about ten different eleven different people But they also had a couple chapters in there about what else happens to you in there how you get the program They put you in a hotel for a little while and then the kids get to know the marshals and you know, it's it's fucking weird You live with 15 people For the next six months and then they move you you go to court

They move you and then you have to fly back for the trials to testify And they probably put you in a shithole They probably aren't putting you in like some nice ass house. Here's the deal Here's where the knock came in and if you look even closer into it, okay, and the knock comes in There in this book they had a broken down because it even happens where people go sour after 18 months You know why because you saw the contractor for the first year the feds pay you And they pay you fucking tremendously I'm talking about if that's the coup was working in a real estate office

Making 80 grand she get a hunt you get your attorney to give those she ate 125 and Lee you make 150 so for a year you live in high on the hog and Omaha Nebraska. Yeah And all someone there they go It's over And here you are 36 years old no fucking you can't use your name You wish you college degree You just have to invent your way you have to reinvent yourself how many fucking people

Know how to reinvent themselves Three out of ten. I know somebody who's trying to reinvent themselves. Oh, I know everybody who's reinventing Go to Twitter but not reinvent yourself that way you have to remove your past life Remove what's gonna get you? Fucked up, you know, because all right, so you never drank before guess what you miss your mother You miss your dog. You miss your father. You're gonna start drinking. That's really sad. No, it's a fucking it's a fucking It's what's the best the best of two evils. It's both of them a fucking evil Then I read the Henry Hill book the one his daughter wrote

His daughter wrote a book and you have to read this craziness They lived in ten different fucking places The last one being Seattle when he married another woman under a different he told so he married his wife under Henry Hill But he married the mistress under the fucking new name and he moved her into the house You gotta read this shit She hates her father says that half the movies bullshit that she did the research He was fucking an heroin Joey. You need a book club. What do you mean? You need a book club tell people what to read Yeah, tell people what to read recommend a book to them. Well might take you know, like my wife reads fucked up shit

After shit, she reads and then she reads in the fucking computer and they touch a screen and I hate that I want to read the fire. I want to smell those papers Felipe gave me a great. I want to see how physically like how fast I'm reading it Well, Felipe one last Felipe one last comic standing Felipe gave me a book called as far as a yeah something crew It was about heroin when the Jews were selling heroin in the Bronx with the Italians It was just Jews and Italians and a few Chinese I tried to get the book. It was 250 dollars and The only place that had it was a big library in LA. So I had to go down there and read it and then Felipe found it

And gave it to the Pleasant Avenue Connection that's the name of the motherfucking book Pleasant Avenue connection is that it yeah Damn Felipe Pleasant Avenue connection. Oh Shit boom That's a good book right now Bob LaLingus gave me a book

That I'm salivating I'm salivating But it's got to be it's gonna be a week to read this book the book is Maybe five fucking inches of book It's leds. It's Jimmy Page three different lives to guitarist and Led Zeppelin Just looking at it. Just looking at the book gives you anxiety For so many different ways it gives me anxiety

That it's not like the old days Well, I could just crawl into a fucking couch Roll up five joints get a half gallon of orange juice some Adam cheese Some crackers like a motherfucker put the TV on but turn the valium off and just start reading Smoke a fucking joint read fucking six chapters get up stretch Drink some orange juice eat a piece of cheese smoke another half a dude And you're just sinking into Led Zeppelin's world. Just the six is like you're you're him while reading it I love reading in that level

Now, let me know let me lie to you even more like I used to read and shit like that and I enjoyed it I don't enjoy reading when somebody gave me a fucking assignment. Yeah, it's terrible Like my seventh grade teacher the one who failed me mr. King will that motherfucker used to make you read a book a month and It was an oral book report So he just read chapters and ask you fucking stupid questions. I was never good with comprehension You know I never claimed to be fucking smart. I can read the chapter three times. I don't know what the fuck I read That's the other thing If I really get into a book, I gotta read it twice because I don't know what the fuck I read

So while I'm reading it, I gotta read it again. I gotta smoke a dude You read it again the whole thing like I'll read or or do you just I'll read the chapter twice a page by page page by page Okay But you know so from that I learned I like to read when I look at a book and go like that book right there the hollywood Henderson book That's a day and a half of me. That's a That's I started 11 and I go to four And then I get up at eight take a shower

Wash my monkey breakfast and go again from ten to about 130 Amazing, that's how fast I can read those But I just disappeared Like I don't want the phone to ring Like when you're reading the book and the phone rings and it ain't worth the phone call like somebody's calling you to say hello Oh, don't you hate that? I'm reading the best book in the world. You want to call me and bother me. Hi. How are you?

What are you doing? Have you heard this new album list? Give me a favor. Have you considered shooting yourself and I'm gonna come fucking bother me. I'm And they're just a lonely fuck just hanging out by themselves. They have no Significant other and they just want to bug you but speaking of being lonely. That's where I really got into reading the prison Oh, yeah, that's how I kept myself Jammed up a few hours here a few hours there. I can't tell you how many books That's why I learned to read George Perez said told me in jail is just real quiet Because I was like, is there anything you miss about jail and he's like, yeah

When people leave jail and everybody's talking all the time like in jail You guys all have your own private space and everybody knows it's like Don't bother. I would go to the library I would just sit in the library for four fucking hours reading the paper Put a note pad down make notes Yeah, the library part of a jail looks like the outside world because it's a library It's a library. It doesn't feel like a jail probably It wasn't

We're there fucking the library the americas Was it were there? Were there bars in front of the library door? No, no, no, no. So you feel you just walked in you just walk in sign your name Grab a book grab a newspaper. You could check out a book You know, you could check out a book to yourself bring it back in three days keep revolving You know, you could order books Like if they don't have the book you can order from a different prison Like they have a book of the month club time. I grew up in the library. My mom my mom used it as a daycare

Fucking immigrants, right? She would just brilliant You're gonna start doing that. No, I can't do that. She would just drop us all off at the library And we'd be there for hours. She'd go grocery shopping. She'd go do all her errands Don't get me wrong. I've tried to be a uh genocé qua type of dude And I put on my little hat with a feather and I've gone to the library with a cafe au lait Raise your pinky in here. I can't I can't do it. Yeah I like reading with the sun hate you Well, plus the library is just filled with a bunch of people using the wi-fi

Using the computers. Yeah, I like it. It's turned into a semi ymca. You live in LA You pay all this money. You sacrifice so much to be away from your family Let me tell you something You grab your notebook on a pencil and you go get a fucking iced coffee You smoke a joint you get some nicotine gum And you face the sun with an umbrella over you in LA It's a thing you got four hours of writing you out there getting vitamin D. Why'd you come out if you're not gonna absorb this fucking sun You know much energy the sun fucking gives you

When you need to write you have any fucking idea when you're reading How that warmth gets you even more fired up when you're reading the book When you're drinking a nice cold fucking water or something or when the sun comes that's why I never liked the library Yeah, I don't like the library. It's dark. It's too dark for uncle joey. It's too fucking dark for me I like to read in the sun You know a little sun hitting you in the park with the grass You can pull some grass out. Nice. Nice lay down lay down on your jacket. Very nice. Yeah There's homeless people in the park. I don't know what you're talking about the park

Well, please leave I'm talking about central park. There's almost people in central park. I mean, how many homeless people bother you at the park What park are you talking about? LA has the best looking homeless people. They're so good looking He's all super hot homeless guy today. Look last week for the first time ever I went down to the flower district down there I saw things down there. I haven't seen in 40 fucking years. That's horror down there Where where I went last week with it's a whole street and that looks get raw tents Oh, no Tents fucking people out there yelling naked people running around the street with blankets on like a apocalypse

You know everybody's talking about this a zombie apocalypse I swear to god when I pulled into that place I got out of my car and I looked and the first thing I saw was a guy Naked dirty feet Box of shorts with a blanket walking around with his hair all fucked up with a cup looking for donations I went over I gave him two fucking singles. I said get some sneakers Don't do something. You know what I'm saying? You're walking around here with a blanket for fucking bare feet Your feet are ugly to the mind. What the fuck?

Not two minutes. I saw another dude walking with a blanket It was nine the fucking morning how cold can it be These people walking around with blankets their hands all fucked up looking for food looking I got two egg sandwiches And then you give them food and they are like what is it and and then you tell them it's no no no listen I bought two egg sandwiches the korean dude cut them in half And there was two right at your point at me. I just said the korean dude cut them in half like this I didn't point at nobody. I don't point at nobody

I don't know what the nomination you are. I don't want no problem for nobody You know what's next you know the yakuza is kicking down my door. I'm just saying you're correct, but go ahead Are you korean? Yep. Oh, that's why you know, I can tell you korean. How you have a certain beauty to you Koreans are the really hottest of all the asian girls. I think I know but if I said I was japanese, you would be like japanese women No, no, no, no. I used to date a korean girl. You said that to all the asian women Depending on what asian because guys do that japanese checks are in the medium But they're fucked up in the head somewhere. They're still they oh my god They're getting bombed. Who the fuck knows what's going on with them then chinese checks are too smart

You know what I'm saying like chinese checks are just too smart. They don't even talk to Zuckerberg's wife is chinese and she's a doctor and the girls at the daycare is so chinese She talks to that When you talk to old school chinese she makes sound effects. Yes. She talks to Years we went to china ten this week I know She's very sweet this lady. I was trying to explain uh, but ethnic people and there's sound valley wangta. She wasn't buying it She wasn't buying the alley wangta. She was too fucking chinese. She's still fucking pissed about something

Dude, I can you know, you have to be able to make sound effects of like to communicate with koreans Like if I go to a korean restaurant, they don't like it if I don't make those sound effects What kind of sound effects do you make just like mmm? I know okay ajuma I have a question You know like to to do like the accent a little bit because they I feel like they give me bad service if I don't do that Because then they'll think i'm chinese or japanese So I have to show them that i'm korean even if I order in english

You know what I mean? Are there really uh, well, have you tried the menus for like only korean people in korean restaurants only Like if you tried that I can't because I can't read korean. Oh, that's fucked up I know Now how long have you been in miami for for a couple years just a couple years I'll tell you it was a witness relocation guy and you know, I put this together the guy that owned liquid Did you ever hear that club liquid in miami? No a nightclub. Yeah late 90s early 2000s

It was a club liquid. Uh-huh and monday nights was big black pussycat All right, they would give you condom rings at the door and shit like that cock rings and shit. It was crazy I mean, I used to work miami coconut grove And they would say that monday's you couldn't get flights from new york to miami It was impossible everybody was going to miami the fat black pussycat Really? Yeah lines whatever, you know Wow And I guess the owner from there. He was dating madonna for a while. He did jennifer lopez

He was slinging some dick this damn But he was down there because he had killed somebody in brooklyn when he was younger Would not have fucked a murderer. Oh, yeah, so he went to my that was the allure that he owned the club Oh, did they know did they know he was a murderer? Well when somebody has a gun, you know, when you hug somebody you could feel a gun You know these girls they don't know what he is So he built up his reputation. He started smacking people He turned it into new york city down there. He brought his buddies down there and then his he got rich He got fucking filthy rich filthy rich

He was opening up another club then the people in the new york found out And he got rich and those barracudas shot down to miami to get their fucking paper And somewhere along the line he turned a witness relocated guy against the columbos But let me flash to you You ready for this Four years ago five years ago. You gotta rest around on melrose just like that I Think we're supposed to like keep a low profile. Some people go in and go fuck it. I'm not gonna do that. Let them kill me

Wow So he's opened up two restaurants Read it. His name is christian Let's see what comes up. What's the name of his restaurant? We're gonna find that right now There's nothing suspicious going on here restaurant. I don't know christian patchello p-a-c Ie l-l-l try that. That's all I know I don't even know what his witness relocation name is

I don't really know what it says on that. Yeah, uh, let's see here Uh former was he born in like 70s? Do you think patchy yellow? Okay He's a member of the untouchable car theft ring and a government informant convicted of murder And he became a prominent night club owner in south miami. God damn it. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with some novice? Jesus, he was born in brook. He was born in brooklyn under a different last name And yeah, he was on the he was in the mob Yeah, $300,000 bank robbery Fuck

Now did he have a restaurant that they say the name of the restaurant and they said it went under It was always very interesting to me. Okay. He opened one in Miami called Bianca in the Delano hotel the Delano Delano. Sorry. Oh damn. He opened the Delano He opens called Bianca in the Delano. There are restaurants in the Delano. He didn't open up the fucking Delano Delano was there when Tony Montana got to fuck with Miami I You're gonna eat the other half of that start, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, where did I put it? I don't know but we got tons of them

If you open it if you fucking lose it, we got more I lost I lost the half of my star the other half Okay, which one should I have three 75? No, no, take the little one the three 75. This is little, right? Yeah, the red they gotta be red not purple. Oh my god Yeah, he also dated Sofia Vergara, Naomi Campbell, Daisy Fuentes, Jesus Christ. He's long big dick. That means they all have the same std Probably, you know, yeah, he was dating Sofia Vergara. That's what he was dating. Don't you think all these celebrities they must be Rabbit with std. They must be like Fucking crazy shit, man. Do you think like is there like a level? That we just don't get to see I don't know if it's a celebrity. I don't know if it's political

But maybe it's just like for people with that much money Like how is Madonna fucking a night club owner in Miami who's on? Witness relocate just That's the whole world. I don't think we know anything about it before he wanted to witness relocation plan. He opens up this club, bro Okay, he owns the hottest club on south beach Everybody's going there puffy combs. Everybody's going every night of the week somebody else is in fucking Miami Shooting the video and they're told to go to liquid And they go to liquid it becomes the hottest club girls come in everybody's kissing on them and shit

Who was he dating? Yeah, so if you ever go on Madonna Jennifer Lopez, yeah, he had little flints with all of them. Nikki Taylor and Naomi Campbell, Daisy Fuentes You know what once you get away with murder you could just conquer the nightclub world. He created this aura around him He's a gangster You know I'm saying yeah And again, some people don't know what they're getting involved with until you get a knock on the door at six in the morning Your parents are over there And that's the FBI wanted to talk to you about your former boyfriend

If he had a gun we're characteristics that he had And you're like, I knew he was a gangster. That's why I sucked his dick. You know what I'm saying? What do you think I knew and I loved it? That's the ultimate bad boy. Yeah until yeah, he has like nine girlfriends I didn't want to be one of his bitches So I found out my gangster boyfriend is going out with 20 other girls and they all look like me Do you think I should break up with him? Yeah, that's one of the weirdest scenes in uh, is it good fellas?

Or like it's amazing how quickly the the wife goes from like getting money to shop and giving a blowjob in like the kitchen to Mad about the mad about the mistress and all but like it's quick how quickly stuff can turn from Everyone's on board and to yeah, and that must be fucked up about being our witness relocation What if your wife gets pissed off? And suddenly wants to go back and tell everybody But that's what happened to sammy the government wants my husband to be in the witness protection program when sammy the bull first went into a rat program His wife said fuck you

Oh, no, his wife said fuck you. I don't want no party. The neighborhood don't want no party. You're a fucking piece of shit Once he got convicted he went to arizona. She flew down and I'm your fucking husband Regardless of what happened you got to take me in the good times and the bad times It's part of the speech you give correct or no. Yeah, right something like that. All right, so in good and bad I fucked up But in the meantime when I was fucking up you were living like a doctor. You were smoking cigarettes and drinking fucking malay peñon Going to france, you know

Sammy the bull Made a ton of fucking money When i'm telling you tons of money i'm talking about millions of fucking dollars as a gangster That's tough to do that can never be done Like he was selling drugs. He had construction companies He had he had a piece of the union, you know, I mean he was a loan shark He was in charge again that guy made a lot of fucking money, man He bought a lottery ticket

Like, you know, like when you win the lottery for 1.4 million And you could do the buyout for 800,000. He bought the lottery ticket So you could cash it in and claim another's taxes. Oh That is brilliant Shit like that. That's that street. It's crazy. Oh my god Somebody hit the lottery three times to do from boston That dude hit the lottery like eight times Why the bull bull just so wait what you're saying is someone would win the lottery

All right, you wouldn't buy it from oh my god But besides having to just buy the lottery tickets, he has to win a couple times Yeah, so he would buy out the live lottery. Yeah, he's like no and throw away the other tickets That's who's buying the lot of tickets fucking crazy. The mob is fueling the lottery industry It's fucking crazy And they're all in on it When I got arrested I went to

When I got arrested you have to give a statement And I kind of conflicted myself and then I shut my mouth And they kind of used it against me, but they really couldn't Because it didn't say that I was guilty But I played them like I got arrested Uh I turned myself in November something right? Uh-huh And I I put a bunch of stuff kidnapped and aggravated but they got plea bargain, but

I played that am I being kidnapped right now. No, no Uh, well, why would I kidnap you? I got you on a podcast unless it's a fake podcast. I got to kill Lee I gotta blow up the fucking computer And they're like, you know what I'm saying? It'd be too much work. It's too many moving parts too much effort There's too much dna. You walked around barefoot. I bleed a lot. You don't want to do that So when you got arrested I walked on your back earlier. Did you really? There's footprints on your t-shirt. Oh, yeah, remember Lee dude. These stars are really getting to you. Joey I know they're getting to you. That's the cool. You've ever already forgotten half of what we've done today

I know so remember we went to get ice cream. No, I didn't So I played like I didn't say a word They didn't say nothing to me. Then nobody ever came to me and said can we talk to you? Well, we want to know who you know. Do you ever said nothing to me? Do you ever do you ever have a cop arrest you who's like a tiny guy? Oh, they were all tiny. So what did how many people doesn't take to arrest you? Like I just turned around Why would I want to fight them? They have guns. They got guns. I'm in no mood to go ahead there. I've never Disrespected a police officer

in my life Like I've never gotten really into a verbal altercation one time the Two days after 9 11, I got a $450 ticket Because my car was over the line at 7 11 into the handicapped spot And I looked and I broke 450 I felt 450 450 you feel 450. Oh god. I looked at that mother fuck I said they just blew up the towers and you give me a ticket for five bills for being

Like that was the first time I ever Said something out of color I've never had a problem with a cop on to the station. You come you talk to me I try to talk to you like a man if we can't figure it out there. We take it to the station So when I turned myself in nothing nothing was said to me that about mid january Beginning of february. I don't argue with my attorney And I had to go to court and fire him and get a new attorney

Which also bought me time, which is what I wanted. I would have fired 10 attorneys You know what I'm saying? I didn't give a fuck the state was gonna pay for them And then at the last minute I was gonna throw I was gonna throw my own money and get my own attorney anyway, do you understand? I already had a master fucking plan. That's the cool Yes, I love it. So in the meantime, I had already talked to the attorney. I was just trying to save the money I didn't want to give this guy this much money at this point. I was gonna try to hold them off for another fucking month But when I went to court, he couldn't show up that much. It was a monday morning at 10 And I didn't go up in front of the same judge that prosecuted me. I went in front of the sense man

I went in front of this other judge And he goes do me a favor Uh, I want to talk to you about not this case but about your counsel Meet me in chambers go over behind here. I have to share bring you around there And when I walked behind there I was in this room and Austin this door opened up and the dude I turned myself in went came in the room with two other dudes And the one dude had like a beard and the one dude had was dressed nicely It was just a regular nerdy dude they introduced themselves

And they said listen man, you're looking at a lot of time here Uh, the guy you got in trouble with before he got bailed out. He gave us a bunch of information about you We want to show you something. Did you believe him? No, no, no, I played it. I was young, but I had already been through the grill Yeah, you knew what to do. Yeah, I at this time already I come in At this time already I knew I was gonna do time and I wasn't accepting it too good But what was I gonna do? I did the crime This is for all the other crimes I've done. Did the correctional officers treat you? Okay By this time it wasn't correctional officers. These guys were

This is before I even got sentenced as to cool. I'm still walking around the street I had to go to court to fill a motion out to file a motion to fire my old attorney So when I was there in court the judge says to me listen Since you fired this other attorney come around the back And let me give you a list of something of the other court appointed attorneys My clerk will give you my clerk like a little old dude or a chick or something So when I walk around the back before the clerk could come in The cop that I turned myself into came in with two other dudes

And they said we want to talk to you about something and I'm like what's up and they're like listen, you're looking at time But we were looking through our files and look what we found they and they had pictures of the house I lived in 435 far away road Far away road that was the name of the place in snowmass village. Oh my god. That's such a great name They had all these pictures of me at the airport They were saying that this is going to be federal time For what I was doing and all they got to do is get one of the plane tickets They were just blowing smoke up my ass

And they said that I knew people in bolder that I could help them with and I go listen. I don't know nobody What the fuck do I know? You're trying to convince me from stealing coke, right? If I know somebody wouldn't I be stealing fucking coke? And that was it. They said we'll be in touch here. They never said nothing to me again The clerk came out gave me the piece of paper and I left and that was it. I never beat me up It wasn't like the movies where they're like, uh, yeah, you know, uh, you have the answer. You know who it was They almost respect you. Yeah. No, no, no, they didn't respect nobody. They just knew I wasn't saying no They didn't know nobody you're not a troublemaker. Listen if they were gonna arrest me in snowmass village, they would arrest me

That's where they fucked up if they wanted me for something at that time for drugs At that time they should have pinched me right there while I was in the fucking courtroom. They didn't that's the cool So when they didn't pinch me that means they had nothing If they had something they would arrest me since they didn't have anything They just had a rat that didn't wear a wire that they were taking pictures of buying coke from me supposedly They didn't really have nothing. They were just assuming they said I knew people in jersey They thought you'd be dumb enough to fall for that. No, it wasn't that was That was a tremendous fart it blew backwards though. I gotta shake my sweatshirt off. I don't know the medium

Medium to small size fart. Oh my god, this is a crazy fucking show tonight Lisa We wanted a star sure why not? What the fuck it's wednesday night february 1st Does the hog come out of the hole tomorrow? What's he gonna do groundhog day tomorrow? Is it really? Yeah, february 2nd It's grad hot little fucking people thinking dealing with joy bananas. You know, we're it's february already You gotta order something for your wife for what for valentine's days coming up valentine's day My house is every fucking day. All right Every day of my house for valentine's day every day of my house is valentine's day. Yeah valentine's day coming up every fucking day

God damn. I'm very happy about that. I used to not be valentine's day every day, but Things happen people get comfortable with each other and that's it everything everything falls into fucking place Well, we're comfortable now now that now that you farted. I'm just not I'm just not gonna hold my farts in from the rest of the podcast Yeah, listen let one of those korean zinger leave us all that stuff They'll smell that little fucking dumpling ass until it's all over that little dumpling fart I used to tell my parents you can't move your bodies when you fart like in america People like to keep it a secret who farted in korea. They all announced their farts like Like

Yeah, as a sign of like I enjoyed your meal Oh, please I'm like stop doing that man. That's the cool. You keep telling me that you're working on a project Tell me I gotta go to the bathroom, but tell me and I'll come in mid conversation. What are you working for? What up? Well, I actually I actually farted yesterday. That's nice. No, was that okay? Well, here's the thing You know the microphone does And I had a microphone here one of those lava leers right right and it's attached to the battery pack But you have it on all day. So you forget that you have it on

So in the middle when we took a break from shooting I went to the bathroom and the sound guy probably heard me peeing which is fine I'm okay with somebody hearing me pee right. You've heard girls pee right all the time. Did you get a boner? No, no, no, not recently. It's fine. So I was peeing but while I was peeing I also farted a little bit That happens to me every day Yeah, but like not like even a big one like not even an audible one. It was one of those like Well, I used to work in reality tv. So I don't know if it's reality or not, but um They like we

Part of my job was to sync up all the days like all the footage So like we'd see them especially when they lived on set We'd see them all day in the bathroom all all that all that stuff But I've never heard I never saw anyone fart like I never heard big farts I think you never heard big farts No, no, I think probably you uh, they probably turn the mics off if they know you're peeing Because they probably don't want to listen to it. Oh, you think so? Yeah, probably or or maybe there are some sound guys Who want to keep it on? Well, yeah, and they and they like it. Yeah, well, I'm sure there's some sound guys, but

Probably most people turn it out. Oh, I'll just tell myself they turned it off. Yeah. Yeah, they turned it off Yeah, so how so how what is the new project about or whatever you can say about it? Um, well, it's not a reality show. It's actually an all-female sketch show. Oh cool. Yeah, it's so cool I'm having so much fun and like when they send us the scripts. I'm like dying laughing reading the scripts the day before for a sketch show are the scripts mostly Like just uh premises for the sketches and then you improv it or is it all Uh written out for you. Um, a lot of it is written out, but they let us improv Also, very cool. Okay. Yeah, which is so good. So it's for it's for

Did you go to the bathroom? Yeah, you took a shit. No, I don't do that stuff in public I got respect for people these people are going public bathrooms and destroy that shit Um, but yeah, it's it's for seriously dot tv. Oh very nice. Yeah So it's a web series. It's a it's a it's a digital show It's amazing a digital sketch show. It's amazing where Lee and I were just talking about this that Maybe we should do a youtube show or something, you know, because I loved the net Yeah, I love the freedom of the internet

I'm too fucking old to go on network tv And for them to say the word, you know, you can't say that word, you know, like I am too old dog Yeah, you should produce your own stuff Excuse me, I would definitely consider it like I just shot this thing for Animal Planet Why I become like an Anthony Bordena cats I will go to different cities and talk to different cat things and learn and teach people about different things like People really don't know about fucking cats, you know, how many cats you got? Bunch of what's with the questions

So It's just uh, you know, I like I like this show to work out You know, but in reality, you know I say some crazy shit onto it. It's not that I plan it. I go by feeling you know what I'm saying Hey, we can't we can't control what comes out of our mouths if you leave me an opening I got to take that opening You know, I was just listening to an old tape in two weeks ago. I was saying some crazy shit Even Legos. Do you ever go dark every day Lee? I live in the dark

That's the only way to Get creative for guys like us. That's what people understand. Yeah We have to live in the dark. We pull ourselves all the time so that you can Enjoy a little light. You know, they they they do all these specials about the dark side of comedy And the dark side of comedy comedy gets dark when you add the lethal weapon to it drugs Okay Jerry Lewis didn't go kill themselves. All these people didn't go hang themselves or kill themselves. I'm not Putting any disrespect on anybody, you know, uh, robin warms was mentally ill. He got misdiagnosed

And was prescribed the wrong medication, you know We think with our heads we go crazy I go fucking crazy by myself sometimes and I'll I remember that vapor pen like a savage, you know all jokes aside, but I'm reading this book right now that I only have a couple pages left in it. It's I read it 10 fucking times I read it to motivate me twice a year. It's called the war of art Dr. Sing-Zoo one This is a Steven Presslow one

um A friend of mine turned me on to when I first came out then a couple years ago Bert Kreischer popped his head up and said Whatever so I went on board together and remembered it And it talks a lot about fear. It talks like what you were talking about tonight conquering your fear resistance all this fucking Stuff that what are we talking about other world the war no no before the war

What are they the art of war the war of art? There's the art of war in the war of art. What's the war of art? Steven Pressfield And he's a guy That's a writer and he's a failed writer and he writes but he writes about this shit that Keeps us from going where we're going You know, he talks about your day on the computer You know, he talks about how your rituals, you know that I just gave you 50 thousand dollars That's the cool. You got to write this fucking book

So you cancel the road work and for a month you're gonna write this book So for the first fucking three days You're basically gonna sit there and look at that page And then switch to facebook switch the phone switch the twitter Watson porn you're gonna run you're gonna rent a cabin in the woods in massachusetts all that kind of shit. Yeah, but He's trying to tell you that if you sit down every day for two hours And force yourself to sit down. That's what the

The most important thing I get in the book, but The book is sold to people like when he talks about it. He says this is for anybody who wants That's every been on a diet or quit This is for anybody who's ever been in an organization and just quit This is for you know, I'm saying like this is for people who just Stop doing what they love doing because they didn't want to do the work side of it They picked the easy road. It's called resistance and we're all triggered by it. We all have it You know what I'm saying? We all fucking have it until we get ourselves into a habit into a swing of things

Is when everything works out, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, read the book. It's a great book. Okay. I don't know why I fucking referenced it I gotta drop because you're dark Yeah, because The darkness man, listen, I'm two different people than who I was from 2007 to 2017 you want me to tell you why? drugs drugs Drugs, you're gonna see red man tonight

I don't know. He's at the store. He's got to show at the store. Oh, yeah Stop down here on the way to the store. Say hello to red man. Tell him to put you up and go red man. Do me a favor Here's my email Send me to joey deas tapes from vegas when he was talking about he was done Look at those tapes and call me tomorrow and go joey. I don't know where that person is I don't know who that person is I have no idea who you were that person talking that shit. That's a complete different person that was 27 years of a beating and drugs

But the only reason why I had gotten that beating was because of drugs Are you with me? Yeah That was the tail end. What was the strongest drug you were on? At that time I would go to vegas All right with joe and we were flying thursday night and the first time I had to add this number to this dude The dude had so much juice That after a certain time in vegas you can't just walk on another way and go to the 18th floor

Do you understand you You ever stand the ninth floor and you try to come up and see me and all of a sudden they call me in my room Lee and I got to call downstairs Let Lee up and they'll leave Lee up because we're in two different sides of the hotel Oh, it's the worst that's what happened. Well, this guy would just ask you what room you're 18 or 9 call me when you get here won't need to next thing you know I'd let him in this guy would come in

For a hundred dollars or something. He gave me an eight ball for 120. Give me a come down package Two vikings of valium and a xanax. Are you fucking kidding me? I Was begging on an eight ball a night. Jesus Christ. Plus all the pills plus I would buy extra fucking xanax. I would come home on sunday toxic Green green three days of no sleep. Maybe an hour here an hour there I've jerked off maybe 64 fucking times I even came a nut sped out, you know saying like my body was building another nut

Like I would just be a fucking mess I would stay in my room with a notebook There was a time my friends that that the weekend I made that tape. Let me tell you what's even sadder about that thing We're red man. It's called the joe show This was Joe Rogan's reality show that he was gonna make everybody a star with he was gonna take us all into network television What this thing nobody bought it But him and red man shot this and it was pretty fucking creative for its time, you know Like it was pretty insane. It was five fucking seven guys on the road

Me joe red band harry Duncan tate fletcher Eddie Bravo It was it was insane. We pull up and there'd be a van waiting for us at the airport It was like a traveling boys band So we would tape all these weekends Duncan tapped out after all this is crazy This is too much you guys eat too much red meat. No wonder you act like animals, you know It was crazy

We taped all those until it just got down to me joe and red band one weekend And I'd been high two nights in a fucking row. I mean no sleep high Hiding from people but that weekend that I tell you about we did the house of blues on saturday I flew in on Thursday night Like I was like joe we gotta find Thursday He's like why I'll tell you in the morning. Fuck you. I didn't say no, but he didn't see me till saturday night Like nobody fucking saw me dog I had friends in vegas that weekend that were visiting from new jersey

That was staying at the Bellagio. So they called me 80 times And every like 10 calls I'd pick up and I go dog. I'm rehearsing. I'm doing something for the UFC Can I call you when I'm finished? They kept calling me. Oh, we're over here eating dinner. Why don't you join us? Give me 10 minutes I'm doing something for robber gulay. I was just lying to them This is 10 fucking years ago dog. I would not leave that hotel room In paranoia By that point it wasn't even paranoia. It was disgust

It was disdain. It was fucking The worst it was the fucking worst I was powerless I was lucky. I was showing up to ganks I was lucky. I was shown and at that time I used to cancel on young friday esterco You wouldn't even know I canceled on you till you got to the airport and went to pick me up And then you and then you'd call me. Have these have these clubs had you back since then those clubs are out of business don't matter fuck them

They get all sucked like yeah, the two or three clubs I did two out of business So I took a chance and I paid off Slade's room and Pete They used to both of them both of them were waiting for me at the airport Wow, I would get so fucking high I'd get in my car. I'd drive to the airport and then turn around and drive home That's how crazy I was at the end Nobody would hide me

Yeah, it was a 50-50 chance. I didn't tell you how I felt because I get so fucking high Sometimes it worked on the way back. Sometimes I get so high one come out till tuesday We were always wondering where you were uncle. No, no, no, you didn't know me when I was crazy esterco Me and Lee we always like we're like what happened to uncle joey this Thanksgiving No, that's why remember that's why it's so weird for me. Yeah, because now he's like a boring Like it's gone to the point I've known joey for I think almost six years I could almost pretty much tell you where he is based on the time of the day the day of the week Like if I know his touring schedule, I know where he is

For this machine to work I have to live my life A certain way you guys have a well oiled machine. No, no, not this machine I'm talking about for this machine. Yeah For this machine to work But listen, I didn't always know that, you know I didn't always know that it's not like I was born 21. I was like, I know how this machine works. Nobody knows how that machine works Do you hit about 40 you've had a couple failed things things haven't worked out and you figure it out

And every year you get a little stronger, believe it or not, you know, I mean That's the advantages of getting older that you see the game a little tighter You start cutting the fat off of your shit. It doesn't take as much time to make a decision Right, you know, no, no, not anymore. Yeah, no Not anymore, but I still weigh the facts. Hey, man, I've made a horrible decision Without checking or googling or I'm one of those assholes. Yeah, whatever. Let's do it And you eventually pay for so many of those mistakes, you know That's what being young is guys is making fucking mistakes

I sit there every day and drop my daughter my wife drives. I sit in the passenger seat like fucking an idiot And my little four-year-old in the back and once we hit the 101 before you can make that right we go straight And for three minutes Lee, I scared myself What do you mean? Like what's she gonna do with her life? What happens if I die next year and how's she gonna grow up and she gonna end up a fucking stripper or a google dancer How did we get there from just driving straight? You talked about going dark. Okay. So you're just driving along. Yeah, I'm driving the sun's out. It's a beautiful day to be alive

I just smoked fucking eight bowls in the backyard. I've been listening to music. I had a protein shake You know, I'm driving my daughter to fucking school. Who's better than me Nobody who's got I got the window. My wife's got classic rock on Fleetwood Mack is on Chains whatever the fucking is And all of a sudden my mind just goes, what's she gonna do with her life? How much is college gonna be? Will I even be alive to pay for fucking college? College is bullshit. You don't you don't need to go to college

Don't work. Don't worry about college. This is the first I go to your mind And then you go, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I thinking about that stuff? You know what? She's four She's gonna go through a thousand things in her life. You're just like I did All right, and guess what you deal with it And you do the best that you can and you give them all the love I love her with all my heart I kissed my wife in front of her She knows there's a lot of fucking love around her and shit the cats lover

Lee comes over we It's our friend. It's our friend. We We come in let me show you the bedroom, you know shit like that, you know, so they uh Get it But if I still have my dark thoughts about her Yeah, there's a thousand what ifs, you know, right? I gotta be crazy not to go there What would I experience in my life? You know what I'm saying? I found my mom when I was 16 I know how fast

Your life could change from one day to another. Do you think that thinking about those jinxing yourself? Sometimes I do No, so to be honest you I was raised not to think about that stuff. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, but You always have to go dark in time to time. Why just five minutes just go what if bam But then but then also snap out of it. Let's snap out of it. You know, don't let it consume you No, no, no, no, no, no, no as soon as you're there. You're like, okay. Hello darkness. Hello darkness. Goodbye. No, no, that's the Hello darkness that you were talking earlier. I'm quoting you controlling your fear Is turning off the darkness that's all controlling the fear is the same You gotta you gotta recognize when you go dark so that when you go dark, you don't stay there too long

Or else you'll be in trouble And that that works in life too What's up, Lisa? Look at fucking that's the cool anybody need to fart. No, no, I'm straight. What's going on? Oh, oh, shit. I shit my pants in front of paul for the first time. I didn't shit my pants But I apparently had like a shitty day and I had like some us What did they call her she stands or whatever? And she saw them and she's like, oh, shit. What are those on your underwear?

Yeah, I've never done that in front of a girlfriend before. Oh, she found them in your underwear. Yeah, it's okay Don't worry about it. No, she wasn't mad. She was cool about it. Why would she be mad? I guess if she's your mom because wait till he finds what's in her fucking underwear That yellow fucking stain of debt with that, you know, they have that cat piss women That little pad is fucking yellow is that sometimes this shit Especially they eat fucking cheese You know, you know what feels good getting smoke literally blown up your ass. Oh, listen, I don't need to know that Have you ever gotten that done? Ask her to do that for you. No, I haven't please tell her we forget

We asked her that If let me explain something we asked her that she would throw Lee out of his own house We would be sleeping in the back house tonight, honey Can you just spread my butt cheeks open and then blow a stream of air? No, but that's not how you say it. You got to sit it down and go listen. We've been doing edibles for a year And I gotta tell you something Joey's driving me crazy training training training training But you can't laugh when you gotta look a straight in the face and go listen. I need a big favor from me

I'm gonna ask you for nothing. Nothing. I got the bidet Gotta break down what you do with the scrub. I got this scrub. I got this little luffa I'm gonna go in there. I'm gonna take a shower. I'm gonna wash my ass real good. I just want to test it because uh I read in the medical journal. That's really good for your insides and I get high I want you to blow smoke up my ass What's your wife's name? It prevents paula. Tell her it prevents prostate cancer. What would you think she'd say to you? I believe you asked her just like that But you're closed to like closed to the whole time you're closing

Just do it. You know, I love you paula, right? I've always been together I would take your dog, but I can't have pets You know I'm saying if it was up to me your mother would live here with me paula I'm asking you for one thing Do it If you don't do it you're fired, right uncle I'm gonna wash my muffler real good. I want you to know what the fucked up thing is I think like she'd be more open to that than she would be

To like anal sex like that's that's a no no anal. I know anal sex Let her have anal sex with your anus No, yeah, no, that's what she says too. No, that's every girl's thing is well, what if I yeah, because the more guy The more guys guys ask us to do anal ourselves. It makes me want to do anal to him Listen, that's the cool anal sex talk makes me very nervous I gotta be on the city of nason's area We don't we don't have to stay there. No anal sex. Let's go back to something. No rapes. No, no You guys speaking of prisons. There's a prison in Delaware. There's a hostage situation

I know I'm worried about my nephew works at one of those prisons He's a guard. I think they they left a guard loose And they got a counselor and somebody else. You know what they're protesting What Trump? Even prisoners are protesting No Yeah, they're protesting the living conditions Of the jail and they fear it's gonna get worse because Trump did a bunch of cuts

God damn it. So something's going on. So I don't fucking know. So yeah, my heart goes out to those people Yeah, I know that my dear friend's oldest son is a prison guard somewhere. I hope it's not fucking some more in fact I thought somebody would call by now if it was but nobody has called I'm sure they're fine Yeah, yeah, no, I mean the chances that yeah Nobody's nobody's fucked. They just want they just want um thicker mattresses Listen man I don't know what the fuck they want, but that's always scary

You know when we shot the longest yard We shot the longest yard at jail that had a fucking one of the worst riots in fucking Prison history they even wrote a book about it the devil's butcher the butcher's something If you watch the longest yard if I ever see it with you I can it's under the barn. We're doing comedy. I go that there's a set That there's the prison they couldn't the prison was left so bad after the riot

They kept painting the floor But there was so much blood on the floor that the color red would still creep up every year That's how much blood there was on the floor The blood was flowing Like from all the people they've heard it. They cut off the guards heads and put them on sticks and shit Yeah, these motherfuckers got down I didn't know about this either. I shot the longest yard It's not like I sit there and all in lots of discovery and ghosts and shit

But the place was haunted. There was a deal if you took $1,000 for the producer You could stay in there overnight. They gave you $1,000 two people did it They couldn't spend the night. Well, they filmed you. No, no, no. Just go in there. We'll lock the door from the outside I don't think they could make it Jesus christ Yeah, that's fuck all that shit. I had a way you're taking me to these dark places fucking I had a window across from me when I was growing up Like in my bedroom out like if I opened my eyes, there was a window

And I was always convinced that there was gonna be like a ghost or a monster or something just pop I put I put like a lego piece in front of my closet door Why because the closet went to the attic and if somebody opened the door and came in from the attic I would see that the lego piece moved How old were you when you came up with this fucking device like Seven did your dad teach us? No, I just thought of it This doesn't make any sense because my closet door led up to the attic Right, but the lego piece isn't gonna scare anybody

No, it's not it's not meant to scare. I just don't want to see if it moved see if it moved Lee So some people put a piece is like open the door like when you go to a hotel And you carry drugs in the hotel and you put a do not disturb thing you get a little piece of tape You put on the bottom of the door Why do you see if you're doing drugs? No, so if somebody opens the door you can see that they fuck with the tape So you take a little inch of clear tape When you check I mean when you close the door you close the door boom boom you're outside of the hotel There's maids. It's a nice hotel. You got 20 kilos of blow in there

Let's say you gotta go downstairs for two minutes Usually if you travel like that you have somebody in the room like a grandma watching a coke You don't even stay in that room. You're staying in another room on the other side of the hotel But let's say you're in that predicament that you buy yourself you have weapons in there You put the do not disturb so that you take clear tape you take a little piece and you put on the bottom of the door on the edge So when they walk in they break the tape you could tell if somebody went in your door What the fuck are you people? Yeah, but they already have their stuff then you have to set up weapons Because you know sometimes you just want to know if somebody goes in there

Nobody's gonna take them. You just want to see if a maid goes in there. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I guess so you put the tape there. No the guy next to me does. Yeah You take that It's a service at the hotel offers No, I call the maintenance guy like I'll come in for a second. Do you travel with tape? I travel with everything I'm always ready for that counter surveillance. Oh now I got to add Tape to my list. I got two bags of counter surveillance stuff one in my bag and one in my travel bag I'm like a fucking green commando dog. Oh my god. I got so much shit in my sleep apnea bag. You would I got speakers

wires extra glasses pens an iPod I got fucking there's always Unaddable somewhere in that motherfucking disguise as a fucking pencil or something. You know what I'm saying I always got something in there. I got my sleep apnea machine now. I got a smaller machine So now oh my god. Guess what? Oh shit I got fucking jet blue on sale today in new york is shit mint like a motherfucker. Guess what?

Guess what rolly one a two Boom two. I got the room up to myself. You know how we do Dude that made those lay down mincees. Oh, fuck. Yeah, the I don't even sleep side of that But it don't matter because I'm gonna get on the plane stone to the gills I will eat a little breakfast a little three-piece combination I'm in that bunk by myself. So I put the sleep apnea machine right on the floor I put the fucking thing on I press go And next thing you know, mr. Diaz mr. Diaz

We're landing in lax in 20 seconds. But uh, put away your machine I get up by joe tip top magoo I get in my little fucking car and I drive home on the 405 at 905. I get back in the morning Nothing's even happening on the lord's day at 905 What the fuck you think you're dealing with that's the cool you got to prepare you got to be organized you understand me Yeah, I love getting organized So what have you done differently? Have you gotten more grown up if I last seen you you look more elegant? Um, I started taking showers. All right. No, no on the straight side. Are you modeling again? What are you doing? You look like very, uh,

Very bush walk walk walk. You know what I'm saying as they say. Oh, well, don't criticize my friends. It's very It's very contemporary Parle vous I'm eating a star stop fucking eating that star because you're gonna black out And you know, next thing you know, you're gonna be a cosby's house jumping up and down with his nephews this shit He's got nephews your age, you know, so he don't need that aggravation, you know Fuck imagine that's like a nightmare bill Cosby's nephew starts doing comedy No bill Cosby's nephew brings you over

Gives you a star debt and comes on your feet when you're sleeping. That's fucked up. All right Well, better my feet then and killed my bill Cosby tapes the whole thing What is it with you on coming on people's feet in there? It's something I learned in the early 80s. You know, my feet have never been come done Well, that's what you get for being a fucking stiff LaRue. You gotta have somebody shoot a load on your toe I mean, I've definitely definitely given foot jobs before I don't understand. So just have them blast off on your little heel, right? I Look that you've definitely given foot jobs

You don't know what life is. There's somebody blast a load on your ankle and you shouldn't drips it to the shower You gotta get creative, you know, you're in the shower. You can't just do it regular missionary style every day While you're in the shower the cat's licking will come off your foot There's a little puddle of cum that's been out there for like 12 minutes the cat starts licking it After eight minutes it goes bad So it becomes fucking the three-year-old look whatever the fuck it becomes yellow and hard and crust is stained How you mother fuckers are crazy. It becomes like the side of a candle You know when it's dripping and it solidifies. Let me give some shout outs here

real quick here 11 I saw that the on I saw that the on As a durian joey as a fucking durian. He's Armenian. What the fuck is wrong with that's right? I'm very sorry dog Levin As a durian shall be Alexis Cori Layton Steve

Baca No ho mma. Congratulations on opening up your school west woods Dante gazini. Thank you for the album cocksucker Matt south Tony zero Fuckaroo magoo, Esquire Dante. I got the album. You know, I love you I went and got every clapping today, but I left them both in my room on the floor like a fucking moron So my apologies. I appreciate the album. He sent it to the store with a cd of debt

I almost crashed a fucking car. Listen to that stuff. You got people jumping up and down in trumpets I'm an old man. Dante gazini. I think Levin as a durian might be a jewish Armenian guy So what what gave you Yes, the inkling look at my face. What gave you the inkling? Yes, sir For any reason I gave a fuck whether he was a jew or a manian. You're always on the lookout for jews He's mixed with Armenian. He could be a judge. Exactly. So no, no, no, what I'm saying. No, he could be a super He listens to the podcast or he could be a tight motherfucker. You know, it wasn't trying to tell you I'm long on the lookout

What are you thinking? That's the cool. You're in no danger. You understand me get it together Yeah, I'm good. That's the cool. Do you have stockings on? I do. Why do you what do you work at Hooters? No What the fuck I saw that before I saw your feet like this. Yeah, stockings are because it's chilly out So gives a fuck that's what being in california can't put the stockings on. That's the cool What's wrong with stockings? It just gives it that uh bouquois effect I thought I thought I thought all proper women wore stockings. Fuck that. Yeah, if you're fucking 48 I know I don't want somebody to see the ladies this shoot. I got cursed with an old lady's name

What what's that? Esther. So yeah, so rip off the stockings. We're united. I know. I mean, what's the fucking problem here? No, I have no problem. I wear shorts all the time No, I didn't saw I'm not soaked in here, but why you gotta show up here with stockings? I don't normally I haven't stopped by Hooters the bad wings and I don't normally wear stockings now. You're making me like be embarrassed about wearing stockings You want to bust out black black stockings? I'm all in but you're gonna show up with grandma stockings. You can't do You like the brown crowd To be roasted here. I'm not roasting. Yeah, my me and my stockings. You know, I'm so embarrassed

No, no, no, I love you. I can't believe a lot of people don't do that. That's why you're so real I like that you were in stockings women come out with those fucking legs they got A bruise on their fucking ankle. I gotta see it. You know what I'm saying put stockings. No, I have no problem I get bruises all the time I'm on my knees all the time Listen to me If you wait a little star and you're fucking out there and planted zero

Think of where I'm at right now. I don't even know nothing. I don't know nothing. Don't don't take me for granted All right, I don't know nothing. You don't know nothing nothing Lee, what's going on with you? What are you doing this weekend? Shock me? Oh, what what terrible things am I doing this weekend? What can I tell you that? What is it you're gonna go see bad Santa 3 the making of What are you gonna go see now? God I know I know there's a plan this weekend No, I uh, well you talked the girlfriend to drop it off lax. That's a star right there. Yeah, she's gonna go down

Just oob her down get no no no no Lift her down there, you know on the arm Call lift tell him listen Let me lift mama down every shit drop bro. I said don't come back till nine o'clock and he won two cases nine o'clock And you gotta win two cases, you know what i'm saying Don't come back till you win two cases. I don't give a fuck 18 years of law school you went to france

I had to sit at home for a whole summer jerking off into a fucking donut hanging out with joey Talking disgusting things eating edibles and you want to show up here Don't come back till you won two cases and you set a federal fucking appeal That's a lot. That's a lot and someday. What are you doing? You know what you're doing? Back to lax one more time They got another two fucking cases That's how you become an attorney. I told him your girlfriend wants to become an attorney. She can't find the job You want a good job going on lax talk to those poor fucking arabian people that are stuck in

Malaysia whatever the fuck they're from I don't fucking know he's bad at night team. God. I don't know no more listen People i'm not political. I never claimed to be political. I don't want to be political But this is the first time in my 54 years Like i'm 53 but two weeks. Who gives the fuck I'm sitting on what the fuck Every time I watch tv this guy This is how long is this gonna last For four years. What no no

You could impeach, right? Uh Well, the people they can people can't make them impeach. Listen to me. I have been in this city for 20 years around this In 1995 I signed with an agent That was very literal like a very literal guy like he would always said he hated auditions He hated comedians going on the road Wow, he wanted comedians. No way. That's horrible. He wanted comedians to if you signed with him to at least

Have a project that you were always writing Because he had producers that he could hook you up with and he did he pitched a lot in this town Wow, but his one caveat was that you couldn't leave. Huh his one thing is that he didn't want you to leave You couldn't leave town no What was that talking? I don't know. I have to pee so bad. We'll get up and fucking pee. What are you sitting there like a Mormon for? You're sitting there like, you know, you know what man take some paper in there

There's no toilet paper in there, which is disgusting. I don't know why I got I got uh tissue paper But if things are bad, you know, the sanitizer here. No, take the tissue paper with you. I just take the tissue paper Okay, where is it? I'll just make it right there. Don't pay attention to the camera. It's got no batteries Oh Holy what the fuck where's this podcast gone tonight? We've got 18 different fucking directions. Nobody knows nothing. I apologize. What what can I do? What can I say? Nothing, you can't say no, I'm not mad at you. You're the captain Kirk in the enterprise. You know what I'm saying? I'm over here just going for a ride. It's february 1st

We figured we're in for a fucking crazy night tonight We're always in for a crazy night at the church It's funny because you you called me with that advice for paula yesterday and paul was in the other room and she was like Who was that? I was like, it was joey. She's like, what did he say? I was like, huh? Because you always have to like translate joey's advice Because I think your director was gay your fucking wife down lax and but like yeah, she it's uh, she's excited about it and it's

It's it's fun and it's weird when you have a job Let me ask you this when you have a job that you like It's almost it's kind of hard to think about The work that you did she doesn't have a job that she no, I know I know I know she does with the school for four years But here's the beauty of Italy She's gonna see something she's never seen before And it's gonna bring something out of her And she'll make her decisions right there what she wants to do this and that

This is what the best thing about throwing it to the wolves was Let it go down there. You added a tremendous point You said she's gonna go down there and meet people She's gonna meet other attorneys at that fucking place, you know So Listen, it gets her out of the house Lee and it gets her listen Me going on open mic and paul are going down there

And trying to play attorney is the same fucking difference Lee Absolutely, it's the same difference. I'm trying to find my voice and paul is trying to find hers This is her shot You go to college. Let me tell you something Lee If I went to college for four years and then three more and then took the bar What do you think I'd be talking about at 5 30 in the morning to you about? This is something I worked for right you. Yeah, this isn't me on a bus cracking stupid jokes I would act like a fucking wild savage

As soon as I passed the bar First thing I do is get a fucking walkie-talkie And a fucking whatever and every time there's an accident. I'm down there pro bono and motherfuckers to death on an accident learning along the way Lee Learning along the way this is my style You can't find the job But you're living with your fucking parents and you got somebody helping you out believe my life to you

No, and that's what you have it might be in disrespect for you Not at all the least you could do is get 25 fucking cards get a walkie-talkie remember last year You and salami were fucking Whatever somebody would Make a left turning on an assembly's pole You would get a call to go take a picture of it and whoever got the picture of it got 55 dollars in the mail a year later Right same fucking difference Every time my car goes into a pole you get on your bicycle you go down and you interview the motherfucker

If the light ain't working listen, let me take you to the hospital on my bicycle Let's get the paperwork started And listen when you sue this motherfucker, I'm gonna do the that's how you learn guess what paul it does tuesday She walks into machinowitz machinowitz and machinowitz and says listen I'm gonna turn you I got a number. I went to usc, but You might not want to hire me, but let me tell you something before I even drop this bomb on you I'm spanish. I I blow his bunyo. I could do the commercials for you, but and I'm showing up with an envelope

What are you talking about miss Paula Paula. Well, I'll tell you what I'm fucking talking about I got a guy that was walking down the street minding his own business whistling You know what I am whistling listen to an ipod minding his own business on the streets of LA And he fell into a sinkhole That was fucking five feet

Nothing happened to him, but it wasn't the sinkhole that killed him. He heard his ankle He twisted the toe. Wow. It was the tree that fell on top of this five to sinkhole. Yeah, it was only four feet It's a it's a tree that fell on top of his fucking head And now I don't even know what day it is. What you know what I'm saying? Oh my god I look I don't even know what my point was that well, no But you have to put your stomach like you have to put yourself in the situation to go intern

You have to go do like I've talked against At a certain point you're down with free work But when you're first starting out you're always down with free work Yeah, you have to you're always down with free work because there's days you might learn something for free Well, most people pay the learn you might see somebody do something magical right in front of your eyes That will open your Mind well And I'm not sure what the time for of it is for lawyers

But from when you're for like for me when I got out of college after four years of college the first Year and a half of being an assistant editor Was just learning everything new everything was new And I would have to imagine a lot of Being a lawyer that they can't teach you at law school. I've even heard her talk about that

So I'm not sure I'm not sure how long the the learning curve is but 18 months it has to be a listen you're a girl Your dad was an attorney. He gets hit by a fucking He gets hit by a celery truck when you're 11 He was one of the best attorneys of all time You want to fucking live his memory? You become a fucking attorney. Okay. Okay. You know what you get a fucking job And the guy that runs the firm has four daughters. He's happily married He sees you he sees something in you you see something in him

And pretty soon you guys build like a fatherly fucking bond. Okay Guess what you're gonna work for that motherfucker. He's an old Jew Just from being around that guy Even if that guy says to you go And alphabetize these files There's always a payoff Meanwhile while you're doing what he told you to do what you think is feeble What you think is so feeble

You're above Like I remember being out in the field and being a fucking know-it-all, you know what I am I'm like I'm not me doing this This is fucking I didn't you know, I didn't come here to do this But he's saying you don't understand for you to do that you got to do this first So you understand that You know and you have to do how long do I have to do this for a fucking year Until you really see what we're talking about and I could come back to you and go

It's 38 degrees. I need the mud to fucking dry and 3.5 minutes And you're making concrete or something like that You know, I'm taking it out of content, but with an attorney What paul is going to learn in 18 months? Is going to be invaluable whether she goes to the prosecutor's office Or a fucking badass and turn like if you're around Cochran Let's say you get a job with like god forbid whatever his fucking name is god rest his soul

Johnny Cochran he died That guy when he when he tried the ogic trial he was at his best Can you imagine being around that guy? You're his intern for a year and a half during the og trial You're gonna see all the paperwork all the motions all the motions to suppress You're gonna see all this stuff. How much are you gonna fucking learn and that but what kind of education is that huge? Huge huge huge and but you said the word the perfect word you said would see Because that's what you're gonna do. You're not gonna you don't really get to ask questions

I wouldn't you don't get to really talk. Yes, you do lee. I don't know. You know what lee at nine fucking 30 at 9 30 at night You know, you know me lee, you know, I'm gonna be in that office if I'm a fucking jew and I'm making it fucking work for me You know me dog. I work all hours. I get up an insomniac go work an hour. Who gives a fuck? At 9 30 when paul says good night phil And she goes good night paul be safe is lee waiting for you outside. Yes. He is thank you for asking That's when paul says can I ask you a question? Today

Why did you file that motion? To move whatever and this guy will go First off the motion is not gonna fly. I sent it out with judge paxton judge paxton fucking hates me But I did that for a reason. I did that to throw them off here To make them think I'm changing courts or whatever of venues everything is a move With those high priced attorneys When an attorney lucy and he goes give me five grand And you're like man, that's expensive and Austin. There's another guy that goes ask to come in for a second

That problem you had You're looking at some prison time Listen to me. You're gonna do four years in jail. That's they're gonna lose your career Okay, you might come out a hero or you might come out of conflict. We're not gonna know Why we're gonna throw the dice? You're too young right now to go to prison What if Give me on your grand cash. I got you six years probation Do two years straight stay out of the clubs. Don't go fucking drinking. Don't get caught doing nothing

And after two years, I'll get it all dropped and it goes away Donate a show to breast cancer And go talk to some chicks who've been kicked in the head 15 times And we'll get you off your thing. What would you do? That's the cool You follow but you'll see the difference You'll see the difference. You'll see how this guy go. Okay. Let's go to work tomorrow next You know, you get this paperwork and he's requesting this shit and doing this shit and you're like wow

And eat this plot this part. So you get mad You're like this motherfucker game on a thousand fucking dollars And now I'm gonna end up fucking going to jail And all of a sudden you're like you're preliminary hearing and he rips a fucking rabbit out of his asshole And you're like, oh shit Oh, shit, I didn't even see this comment I've been watching law and order for 20 fucking years. I didn't see this comment

And all of a sudden again, he takes you on a fucking six month tour, but your life is on the line You know I'm saying your life is on the line. You want to know what's going on? He's not gonna tell you He's not gonna tell you till it's trial time Or time to fucking negotiate your fucking uh plea agreement That's when you get blown the fuck away That's when you're going there and he breaks it down for you. This is why I did this If you want in there is this you're gonna end up as this this is and you sit there and you're gonna thank you Thank you for not robbing me. You know I'm saying

This is the payoff I wanted everything you told me what happened to happen You with me as the cool you some fucking where else seeing stars and little body Somebody dropped me off at the little dipper. Good. That's why I tell you this shit The little dipper. Let me give it to me read some stuff here and we'll get you out of here I'm really excited about this one. Let me tell you what happened guys about September with all that fucking those tours in the weeks before the cd I I threw out my back. I don't know how the fuck I did it and I didn't know what to do I didn't call I didn't uh

Call around or nothing like that so uh I went to this place called back Uh, whatever. I don't even know what the fuck it was and I went in there and there was uh It was pretty fucking damn good. I went there twice and they hooked me up You know, they gave me a massage and then they broke they put you through a chiropractor Which I'd never experienced before and your insurance pays for it They put you to like wow your insurance pays for it sad

Yeah, yeah, like a 45 minute massage I mean, I think the thing is $49 and sag picks up 28 of it or something. I'm good I'm good. I gave her a 20 tip. What do I give a fuck? I'm good. You know what I'm saying sag picked up half of it I'm still gonna give it to her off the top So the girl gives you a massage Then the chiropractor comes in right next to she puts you on the chiropractic table She fucking hits some place on my back everything She put tape on my back to hold the treatment. She adjusted my neck. It was tremendous

I went there twice and that's the cool before that I had never ever ever really got the massage You know, my wife rubs my shoulders and stuff like that, but uh I got this call a few weeks ago Chiropractors are awesome, aren't they? All that stuff, you know, but yeah, but I got this call a few weeks ago to uh You know, if I was interested In talking about a massage company that would come on and uh, and I read what they did and I'll tell you something

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Zeal.com and then make sure to click add promo code add check out to use my code church C-h-u-r-c-h Right now go to zeal.com Or on zeal's iphone or android app and get a special offer when you try zeal today right now Enter promo code church and check out to get a 25 dollar off in your home on demand massage Who's better than you okay? Listen, it's Valentine's Day. What are you gonna go to the restaurant? You're gonna give her some fucking dead rose. You're gonna give her some dead rose What do you want to do do the same thing you do every year? You know what do something different

Go to the supermarket get some fried chicken go home Schedule the masseuse when was the last time you ate fried chicken and had a massage a masseuse come to your door treat yourself Oh, please. You know i'm a savage. You know i'm a savage and he i love getting i love getting massages. No, they're tremendous Massages getting massage is like just making sure your body continues to like work, right? You know you go out there. You're running all your errands and all this shit. You got to like make sure your body like flows Like you got to knead it out. It's like your body's like a piece of bread With pretzels in it. I hear right now go to zeal.com Or on zeal's iphone or android app and get a special offer when you try zeal

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And I want to thank my girl ester coup for coming on and on it always a fucking pleasure I want to thank on it for being the captain kirk of the enterprise always go to on it And get 10% off by pressing in church. Bam and get direct to your house. Whether it's a shroom tech The uh, the hemp force protein. I love all that fucking stuff. Have a great week And when you're done listening to the church, you could listen to coup and the gang Go listen to coup and the gang on itunes. All right. Lee. I love you cocksucker. Love you too much You didn't tell me what you're gonna do so that means I don't want to I'm all right. Stay black. Have a great weekend guys. I love you Oh, nashville. Yeah tomorrow, bitches. No forget valentine's day

I'm at mother fucking flap is up here in burbank nine o'clock show. All right But this weekend nashville tomorrow night eight o'clock show. Stay black Not easy She's always a shot If she don't get her way She's just a last resort Now she's a cocksucker She's always like a cat

If you don't get her way Well, you might not make it fast She's got a lot to kill And he She's got a lot to kill And he She's got a lot She's got a lot to kill

She's got a lot to kill Now she's moving through She keeps her motor clean Who can believe me She's a normal protein If I try to play midnight She's looking out of my door She's gonna turn on a juice boy

She'll turn on a flower She's got a lot to kill And he She's got a lot to kill And he She's got a lot She's got a lot to kill She's got a lot to kill

She's got a lot to kill She's got a lot Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah She don't. She's a относin on. It's it on the boy. She'sasure fall out. While she's a cool, cool boy. I can't. If you don't get me. She's got a little cocky Thank you, I hope She's got a little cocky Thank you, I hope

She's got some luck She's got a little cocky She's got a little cocky