Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #456 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: February 15, 2017

Tom Rhodes, a comedian for more than 30 years, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.  Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 1 month for free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/13/2017.    

That nicotine candy. Yeah Two years off the six man. I thought you brought like a valium or something like that. I Got some extras if you want with nicotine No, I got some gum already. I got the fucking gum. I'm all psyched up. I was two packs a day, you know I want to see you're at Jesus Christ. You gotta get off this fucking thing. You live is gonna turn purple I don't give a fuck to the Exactly. Yeah as long as that's not lung cancer The church or what's happening now is presented by on it

This show is brought to you by lift Drive with lift It's the ride sharing app that lets you be your own boss pick your own hours and earn up to 1500 bucks a week By driving your own car on top of all that our listeners have an extremely special offer You get a $500 new driver bonus after you complete 100 rides in 30 days Go to lift.com slash Joey today go to lift.com slash Joey today to qualify for your $500 driver bonus I took a lift here. They could they could meet me. Yeah, they could yeah And you're making 500 bucks. That's better than that. You can't lose

This show is also brought to you by CISO With CISO you get unlimited access to CISO original series next day late night and In hilarious stand-up specials Go to CISO. That's So.com right now and sign up for one month free with promo code Joey a check out that's CISO.com Promo code Joey a check out to get one month for free. Oh shit You

Wanted it you got it the church of what's happening now Monday February 13th Tremendous Song reminds me of getting drunk in high school Oh This song reminds me of stabbing a motherfucker This song always must make me stab a motherfucker right here Before you go to war as you're driving there. Well, that's right with a grenade in your helmet. This is what you put on Hahaha

Church of what's happening now motherfucker's Lisa at Tom Rhodes here you go kick it Lee Do your homework One of the greatest bands fucking ever Four or five hours, whatever they had bad company shooting star Fucking desolation angels just tremendous music. That's why I'm turning you motherfuckers on to it Is What do you do after you just listen to this song We have the roller skates when you don't fight hang out with your friends

Drink coffee. This song gets you fucking ready to go How old did the song Left Chicago 70s is it think about it well What's the song they put out before this cut it Lee? What's the jam can't get enough for your love that was their first real big commercial jam. I was a fucking kid Put it in Lee Can't get enough of you love you have to play the video just Wikipedia to see what year it came out Okay, that's what I heard the fucking these motherfuckers. I've been listening to these guys since I had Nick is on yeah

I didn't know who they were. I'm not still a classic rock staple. Yeah. No, no, no, this is this This came out Around all the classic rock that you hear today comes from this era that real the two songs that stick out the most in my mind This and BTO Take taking care of business 74 wow can't get enough of your love is 74 that album's got to be 73 that bad cold bad cold The sky is burning burning sky whatever that one arms brilliant Shooting star is fucking brilliant. Love. I think they got one other one in there and then desolation angels in the eighth grade

Me Dominic special I want a bunch of us went to see bad company Wow The desolation angels tour at the Nassau Coliseum and You remember one thing from every concert What I remember was that the lights went pitch dark and he had glow in the dark sticks and He did a solo and I thought my head was gonna well, you know We have done some ass to the something so I saw a prince on the 84 Purple Rain tour and Sheila E open so that and that was her big thing on the last song The lights would go out and she had these glow in the dark drumsticks and 1984 technology. That was like watching, you know

Fucking, you know lasers split the moon or something the weirdest nights of my life. I gotta write that in the book. I Was at my friends. We started lifting and On WPLJ one of those stations. They said listen late breaking news Prince Sheila E and nucleus are doing like the Ritz one of those club I didn't even wash my pussy. I just put jeans on we put grease on out here And we shot into the city and we got in 15 bucks. We're in life for like 10 minutes. Nobody had really heard it I don't know what it happened. They got packed later on as Prince got on but right before The movie had been out already how often will they do on and on shows like that? In New York a lot

Everybody wanted to showcase in New York. That makes sense. Yeah, let's say I Reclapped and was in New York Dave Gilmore would show up. You know saying like you always had that type of shit right in 78 I was a baby, but I heard that to warm up for the miss you tour The stones signing up like the red muskets They would have a manager call the club and say how you know the red muskets are no We don't listen book them $300 and it was the Rolling Stones

So, you know like a nyak, New York at the cuckoo's nest I remember one time the stones showed up at a bar up there somewhere Don't quote me on nyak, but they showed somewhere up there when I was a kid I'm like a Tuesday night. Can you imagine being at the bar watching a hockey game and there's a band setting up a tennis the Rolling Stones You imagine Yeah, that's it That's what they did to warm up for the big arenas. That's a treat a fucking half the first piece of music I ever bought I bought the

The the 45 for miss you the stones 78 I was fucking 12 years old and The first concert I ever saw was the Rolling Stones 1981 At the tangerine Bowl in Orlando. That was tattoo you yeah, yeah I think the tour was called something like what was the tour called I forget I didn't see that it was that Yeah, it was great That's crazy. That's the fucking they're still around and you're talking these a hot in Orlando sure sure Mick Jagger took a

Hose and had one of those like guns at the end of it like Gardner use The audience it was just like, you know the Pope blessing people with holy water people would leave their fog Mick Jagger hit me with That's great. You have another cocktail fuck up It says the Rolling Stones American tour is that was that was it that was 81 81. Yeah Tattoo you you were right tattoo you yeah tattoo you 50 million in ticket sales. Oh, yeah, the dog That was an 81 50 million three roughly three million concert goers Wow 50 million in 1981 Wow Chopping up five ways coke was in Florida in 1981

Yeah, those guys had a good time. No, they really did happen. I remember they were they did two shows I remember my aunt Margie had flown down from DC. My family's originally from DC and She was out late. I think she had maybe I don't know what They left their their mark on the family who I'll show that one time my first single Was hot pants Wow, maybe 1968 69 in New York City me and Jasper Williams Wow told my mom we were going to the bar and we walked from Like 127th Street on Broadway, I'll never forget this like maybe The record store was on 138 and those were murky waters in those days. Yeah, that wasn't a fucking you were like the Warriors

Every block was a different gang chasing you who wanted to bum a nickel from me. It was fucking crazy You know, New York City was dirty. I remember walking home with that single Being so fucking exciting. You know my home, and I forgot the thing in the middle Shit then you got to walk back to the record store and get the clip or the circle of a silencer Remember they had the thing that you put in looks like a silencer. Yeah. Yeah, you put a bunch of singles over it Would just drop so you would have like 1045s with the thing and after ones the 45 Yeah, you never listen to the B-side either in those days very rarely would you fucking flip it over? I'm a huge James Brown freak. I don't know if I ever told you I opened up for James Brown

Where at the Canoktai Harbor resort? It's on Clear Lake. It's about an hour and a half two hours north of San Francisco This is like 96 And and I you know I I grew up in the south I started on after he threw the beaten and the cops chased him Yeah, man, he was older. He's an older man. He was in his 60s. He was still mesmerizing He had like a lime green jumpsuit, you know one piece But he was still doing and he had a little kind of a pop ever see his performance

from Kinshasa Africa and oh my god, yeah one of my Favorite films is the when we were Kings that Muhammad Ali document that they have that on there Yeah, he performs and he's got the mustache the mustache to go tee. He's got the black suit on with the Godfather a soul. Yeah, G. S. O. Whatever on this fucking shirt But that yeah, that was one of the we were Kings, but they also have a documentary called so power I haven't seen that and that's badass. That's on there them on there

James Brown B. B. King singing. Yeah thrill is gone in Africa. Wow Jesus Christ fucking the funny all-stars in Spanish Yeah, they just took clips of that and we were when we were came sell your cruise. It's fucking tremendous So I started out on the southern circuits And I remember I did a one-nighter in Augusta, Georgia When James Brown was in prison and I after my gig I drove my car to the edge of the prison and I sat on the hood of my car smoking cigarettes And I had James Brown's greatest hits on my cassette tape And I remember just like brooding and smoking and looking at the prison like how can they keep this genius?

Locked up like an animal, you know, I'm like whatever fucking 1819 so years later then I get to open up for him and And it was it was a phenomenal gig at this, you know Small place to conact I harbor maybe set 800 people. I'm guessing and after the show they said I could meet him and I declined Because James Brown meant so much to me that I didn't want to destroy You know, I who knows what would happen if I went backstage and like he's an old man in his underwear And then you know, I accidentally see through his p-hole on his boxer shorts

And he's got some weird old guy shriveled up dick or something and then, you know, whenever I would hear his music You know, maybe he's got his wig on a hanger. Who knows what now that he's dead I I it's one of my regrets in life that I didn't go back and meet him But but I opened for him, you know, I think you made the right choice. I don't know. What do you think? I mean the guy was so and he still is I still listen to James Brown all the time How disappointing is that when you're in love with somebody or you look up to somebody and you meet them? And they're completely different Well, I mean that's it. You got to protect like things that you hold sacred in life, you know, like I remember once in New York City

I was on an elevator with Lou Reed And I love Lou Reed so much. I didn't say a fucking word to the guy What am I gonna say to Lou Reed? I'm the same way. Well, I see people I admire. I don't say dick I'm biased. I can't ask them for a fucking picture Yeah, yeah, I never asked for pictures. I look at people that way when I say how you doing that's the extent No, sometimes I just don't say anything because if they don't answer me back, then I'll be disappointed. I know they're a dick They can't even say hello. Yeah I met Tom whites once and I kind of embarrassed myself

Uh, were you drinking? Well, it's it's uh, I've told the story on stage, you know So I had I had met Lars Ulrich the drummer from Metallica a few years before and ended up back at his place Uh in tibiran doing a bunch of cocaine and uh, you know, he had a bar Uh, he had a bar and he had a bar party room and on top of his bar most unbelievable view of san francisco I've ever seen in my life from tibiran his mansion and on top of his bar He had a mound of cocaine underneath a glass cake coverer And this was rock star cocaine. This was not the yellow shit that smells like gasoline that I've read about

So we're doing all this coke and he's got a jukebox and on the jukebox. He's got tons of linard skinnered on it So linard skinners from florida. I grew up in florida. I'm like, dude, you like skinnered. I'm from florida. I love skinner Dude gets all serious. Apparently he's like the biggest linard skinnerd fan in the world Takes me into his movie theater room and he had these bootleg vhs tapes of linard skinnerd in 1973 And bermingham alabama just ripping ass Fucking so here I am coked out of my skull four o'clock in the morning watching linard skinner videos with larzel rick. So Two years later. I'm headlining at the punchline in san francisco I'm doing nine o'clock shows and then dave chapelle's doing midnight shows

Chapelle's an old friend of mine asks me if i'll stay and open for his show So I got like 10 minutes left on my show and tom wates and larzel rick Walk in together and they sit at the center back couch And one of the greatest achievements of my career was seeing tom wates laugh at some of my shit, you know So my my show ends audience leaves chapelle's audience comes in and then it's just like a few minutes before the show's about to start And uh, i'm standing by the door. You've been in the punchline. It's a small little great Great one of my we talked about on the phone last week. Yeah, so, uh, i'm standing by the door waiting to be introduced The show's about to start and larzel rick walks over to me and he goes, hey, man

You came to my house a few years ago and we watched linard skinner videos all night. I'm like, yeah, man That's cool. You remember he goes you gotta meet tom Holy fuck tom wates my all-time hero in life It's eight steps from the door where i'm standing to the table where he's sitting and every step i'm thinking to myself Oh my god, i'm about to meet tom wates. Oh my god I'm about to meet tom wates So we get to the table and larzel rick introduces me and he goes This guy came to my house a few years ago and we watched linard skinner videos all night

And as i'm shaking tom wates his hand i go i love skinner And the fucking lights went out and the show started and i never got to say another word to the guy My one and only sentence to my all-time hero was i love skinnered I can't believe that the drummer from metallica loves Lennon skinner He loves let us see the lineage now. I see why they rock like they do metallica Lowe's artwork is a phenomenal phenomenal. I love that. I've never met him. I think he's a phenomenal drummer

Uh dean dowry played some of his tracks last week the new album. They're still rocking. Yeah, they're still got hearts of fucking lions, you know I get high sometimes Like sometimes at night. I can't sleep and it's free time. It's my free time I go on the computer and I put a notebook out, but I really don't write And I'll go through 10 let it skinner videos and just cry I'll just cry Why thinking about what happened to them No, I think there's one video that in the middle of it. I always cry because I think that

That style and that I Something will never happen again in music like one of my favorite videos on youtube that I watch three or four times a week is uh The omen brothers live from the beacon 73 whipping post Jesus and there's one of the most brilliant pieces of music that I've ever seen in my life You know and they're white trash. Let's get to it. These guys are white and and that's why I love them

That's why I love them. It's it was you know, they talk about in my world They talk about all these great accomplishments that people do I null and void them. I compare it to the omen brothers at the beach. I really do What's your favorite omen brothers song that one? I I mean, I I It's hard to get Melissa. I love I like dreams. I like dreams, but put myself out of bed Just something about that style of music makes my fucking heart pump and when I slice somebody's throat Yeah, then you put let it skin it You know who who I mean that you're an intelligent intelligent guy let it skinny

Let it skin it out. Whatever you fucking name is Tom Rhodes. You're an intelligent guy whiskey bottles brand new car Oak tree in my way Let's just break that down. So I'm sitting there one morning doing a line of code. You know, he wrote that about his brother He wrote that about one of the band members, you know that the guy was out of control whiskey bottles brand new car Oak tree in my way That's what addicts said

What happened last night? Oak tree got in my way and jumped into the road. He jumped into the road Jesus Christ, you told that another car like I guess that he wrote that because the guy had just kept holding cars like You know one of it either his brother or one of the guys but think of that lyric alone I think it's interesting. Uh, the the linuxkin had had three steps. Give me three steps. Oh my god, and then the almond brothers had Forget the song, but I think it's interesting that Both of those southern bands had a song about getting caught with another man's lady Oh, I love that. What's the almond brother song? Where you guys might be your man? I don't know

There's a live version of it That the beginning of it just drives you crazy like they're so good And I sit there and I make believe it's 1973 So I don't have a cell phone. I don't have nothing. I'm worried about it was when america was america, right? When you went out and really enjoyed yourself For what it was you weren't on the phone. You didn't take pictures of the band To sit there and you got you know why because you got mesmerized even me and as an adult at 54 I watched that

Almond brothers thing and I'm still mesmerized even though I've seen it 80 000 times. Yeah And the weird I I think that's a really cool point you just brought up because It's not like you didn't take pictures. You couldn't like unless you were like a film camera There there wasn't even the option. It wasn't like you can't remember too big You'd have to hold on your shoulder right and it's not like you feel like you're missing out Well in those days there was one person that was one perpetrator that me and tom rodes supported because that's the way life was And it was the bootlegger every city in the america had an album store

Then the back of the album store They had nothing but bootlegs and every time you spent money on it was a 50 50 shot There's a money back guaranteed. Oh, yeah, it was a guy with a long jacket and a taper cord Okay, that went into a concert and taped it taped it Yeah, I was always they'd say uh, like if it was like trying to make the the bootleg sound like it was good quality It was taped off the boards. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like dog. This was taped off the boards. My man knew a guy at the garden You're absolutely right. I forgot about that shit. I still remember buying bonzo's birthday party like

What is bonzo's birthday party? Bonum's birthday party in new york one year. God awful It was god awful And you could it was unlistenable. Yeah, it cost me a fight on a lesson Well now when somebody had a bootleg that was good. I'd ask them to put it on cassette for me and I'd give them three or four bucks Why fuck around I never took that chance again. That was the only thing that people did and at the end Even the concerts in the early 80s people weren't putting up lighters that should happen later Not even lighters

I thought lighters was always going to be no no no No, it was like somebody made fun of it and then it became a thing that it became a thing And then now they put their cell phones up like fucking half of fags So Jesus christ, I saw uh, my favorite place in amsterdam is the paradiso It's like a 14th century church. That's now a concert venue. Everybody's played there the stones, uh, you know, uh, Anybody could think of so when I was living there Jane's addiction played and I love jane's addiction and So I got there early and I remember I didn't eat anything. I didn't drink anything

I didn't want I I sat through some poser punk rock band from new york Who opened up for them? A guy was like right my chest is like I'm like against the stage and everything and I didn't eat. I didn't drink anything because I wanted to stay there in the front for the whole show and some guy Who's who's in the front? He he's taken a thousand photos of perry ferrell. I'm right underneath the uh, The mic stand and it's like the guy had taken so many photos on his cell phone. I finally turned him. I go dude. I think you got it I think you got it. He's like he's just so

He just couldn't believe he was so close to him and he just keeps taking pictures And perry ferrell was so whacked out of his skull on drugs that night. He could only um Hum or uh You go like either hum or go la la la la He just didn't he had he had no idea what song he was doing You're gonna stuck your tongue out and caught a drop of his sweat and been high for days until this day I was a fucking addict in the half The I think a year into comedy not even it was st patty's day

Had to be a cool mc. I bought a grandma blow To turn the headliner on and the feature to be a cool mc. I did two bumps before I went up And I learned the hardest lesson in this life that you cannot do powder And go on stick. That's the worst thing in the world Your mouth gets all dry and your nose is uh twitching So I learned the valuable lesson that night and that was to the point where I knew that if I got high the night before I wouldn't have a good set Like if I got high two nights in a row

The weekend was done. Yeah It was just gonna be material with no heart to it. It was just a tape recorder I remember uh, uh, mitch headberg and I had co-headlined in houston at the last stop a few times And that's where I met you was at the last stop and you remember I think we talked about this on your show houston texas has some of the purest cocaine available in america and uh, I I just remember just days hitting it hard With with headberg and that's where I learned Because we would sleep all day and then you know do the show at night

I remember that's where I learned that It's texas state law that after three days of having the do not disturb sign on your door They have to come check on you to make sure you're not dead Unless you what about if you go to the front desk and well, I'm not dead You could knock for fucking 10 years if I know it's you I guess I never you know I play a hotel safe if you call the hotel room, you're not gonna get I don't answer hotel phones Yeah, I don't anymore. I don't open up the door either. There's a disturb sign. I don't open the door I don't answer phone

Do you do like I do you put the do not disturb the moment you get there and never take it off If it's got the button you press I hit the light. I don't even ask for towels. I'm like a A cheap hotel guy because on saturday, I still got two towels left. Use the towels joey. What the fuck Then I use the towels like on friday, but I hoard the towels and then I use the same washcloth even a fucking hotel. They put you on a nice hotel take the amenities But I'm such an old-school fuck. You know I'm saying did you guys ever stay? I'm sure you did but like in like a drug hotel where like every room is doing like What is that like where you can just hear it and like

Well, you can hear the crack pipes chirping like crickets. Can you really I've never no I remember I put in some Stayed in some shady motel sixes along the highway and stuff. What was the shadiest hotel you say that? That you didn't fear for your life, but you fear for your life You know those hotels where you you don't really don't fear for your life But you're fear for your life, especially if you do a couple bumps and sit in your room And you hit like somebody yelling and shit and you're like, yeah, what did I get myself into? I'm gonna finish this package before the cops get in I remember well, I it wasn't it wasn't shady, man

I just remember I I was in Reno a couple years ago and I could hear this You know Reno is a rough city, man You got you know people in you know homemade knuckle tattoos and a big crystal meth town And some guys argue him with his his girlfriend or whatever wife or whoever in the next room, you know And uh, I remember thinking to myself if that guy and it sounded like it was you know You know it was on the verge of you know some very serious shit happening In the next room and I remember thinking to myself if that guy gets that chainsaw started. I'm gonna have to call the diastic The worst hotel ever for me where there were drugs and listen I use it to my advantage

I'm not gonna lie nobody was too particular hotels Where I feared for my life, but I also enjoyed it at the same time We used to do this gig really marino used to book from 97 to about 99 paid 150 bucks You took off for me the LAX of Burbank. He didn't care And they flew you into Tucson They picked you up Wednesday afternoon. No radio. No, nothing. The name of the club was Bugsies All right, and to get in yet if you got if you brought a bug they let you in on the fucking Wednesday What seriously this was a live bugger a large bug now owned by a woman

But her three guerrilla magilla Mexican fucking mobsters controlled that bar So three comics he would fly down three comics everybody did 30 minutes And everybody got 150 dollars the hotel was A fucking nightmare All right, y'all screams cops

Crackers people knocking on your door asking you gotta lie there And rolling papers checking out your room to see if you see that disturbs. Oh, no, no It was a fucking nightmare one night a girl knocked on my door like, you know, hi I'm looking to see if you had any beers And the whole time I'm looking at her eyes and she's trying to look around me to see if the tv was locked in still And all those hotels the tv's were bolted on fucking welded on the Listen the titanic's welder couldn't get the tv off

You wouldn't believe it Lee. They had a bulletproof shell on the tv I was gonna say did they have a bulletproof thing at the check-in? No, uh, yes This was and the doors didn't lock the showers. They only gave you little white towels It was like a hindu hotel, but it was owned by mexica. It was fucking crazy But enjoyable because there was a few nights all I had to do was walk to the thing and make believe I was looking for candy and a soda and somebody'd be creeping around. Psst. You want to buy coke? I don't think so, but hold on. What do you got? Every time I went there creepy hotel number two

Schrader Between sunset and hollywood boulevard before it became the hostel was just a hotel For weeks, I didn't have an apartment in hollywood, so I would book the road and in between the road. I would stay there tremendous People knocking on your door all night drugs booze hotel number three use the taxes came in there Allen park in other place where you walked out at three in the morning just to see who you could bump into and They'll always be like a girl crying by the fountain. Is that the allen park in? Yeah. Yeah, that's where I was with headburn Oh my god, remember they had that 24-hour restaurant. Yes

and you go in there and be like, um You know transvestites on speed and stuff like older older creepy transvestites The doors didn't the doors didn't really lock on all of them. Yeah, I had some crazy times at the allen park hotel If you walked up the corner in the old days, there was a pierogi place So you'd wake up like an 830 with cotton fucking mouth with a headache And you walked 60 yards leading right there at eight in the morning They freshly squeezed on our issues to replenish that vitamin C of the cocaine ate out the night before How come you're largely at pierogies in houston? Not pierogies. Uh, the fucking thing with uh

With the sausage in the middle. Oh, oh the uh the donut things the things that they saw the donut chops in houston those sausages Hey sausage or collages collages Okay, I was gonna say why can't you? headberg and I we did that so that that massive the allen park in was massive and No one stayed in that back wing So we would always stay in the back wing and you know, you could play we could play uh boom boxes as loud as we want Party of brains out and you know leave the doors open in the middle of the night and stuff

And we we had all these local houston comics were over And we had done and the pool was on the back side too with this big green lawn area if you remember So we had done mushrooms one night headberg and I and then the sprinklers were on and it's middle of summer It's really hot. So like we took off our clothes and we're running naked through the sprinklers You know, oh, you know riding high on mushrooms And then we dive into the pool and get out of the pool and all these local houston comedians They're all like, you know, none of them, you know joined in and they're all like watching us and we were like

We're the headliners and we're just you know having the time of our life and running naked and um last July I was in montreal doing the just for laughs festival and rafi may was there and uh, I was telling the story and rafi goes I was there. I was there. I ran naked with you guys and um I would have remembered a naked rafi may No matter how fucked up I was Yeah, you remember a naked

That's not so you know, I gotta tell you it was just me and headberg running naked in 1998 Comedy wasn't taking a nose dive, but comedy was slowing down a little bit You know, it had to be like 98 or 99 right and thinking about it now that you mentioned it. I gotta tell you something You know what started to cool in comedy? When you guys co-headlined together that first time in houston That was That was it Like that was it, you know, I'm saying nobody had booked that lineup

Right. Well me and headberg actually, um, I had never played there before and headberg likes thought that that was like His favorite club and he was really great friends with mark babbit. So um, he got me to come in and and headberg and I actually Took less money so we could work together because we were like, uh, you know, we were Partying together all the time in new york city at that time. He was living at the chelsea hotel I was living in wall street Man, we like party at his place So you all night I'd be like I'm like I got to get back to my

My place in wall street. I lived at 71 Broadway. So like, you know, it's like 6 6 30 in the morning There's all these dudes in suits hustling around wall street. I'm like blasted out of my skull trying to get in Uh before the the sun came up. What about what if I told you I was one of those dudes in the suit Walking just as blasted as you were. Well, I remember there was a so like nobody lived downtown In in that wall street area back then But there was a homeless guy that would be down there and he was always on the sidewalk And I remember this guy was like so fucked up

And he like he'd asked for money, you know When the in the day when people around and stuff by like at night, he would be the only guy and he'd be like so fucked up He's like holding on to the sidewalk You know, so he wouldn't like spin off the earth and go float into the universe and stuff And I remember he was like my new york fucked up. Oh meter. I remember walking home. Just remember thinking, you know As long as i'm not As fucked up as that guy everything is okay I lived in new york in 93. I gotta tell you something boy was I fucked up

That's a rough town especially I I lived there broke and then I lived there with money and that's I was that's a rough town If you got money, I was making money Believe it or not working like three different part-time jobs I was bringing coke back and forth for people from new york city because the coke was 35 uncut 25 it was cut I could tell you they would call me you in the city and pick up two grams, but what'd you go for 50 You know 50 a gram, you know, even though I knew it was 25 I get them the 25 dollar shit I make double the fucking money And then I had 10 bucks and for 10 bucks I get a fucking gram of two tulips

And I do a bump out of his package, you know, I'm saying the first bump came out of his package out of respect Tom joey lived grew up in new york and around new york What were you thinking like a boy from florida a kid from florida the first time you saw new york Well, I don't know if we've ever if I've ever talked to you guys about this on here before but You know, I moved to new york city when I was 20 years old And I and I wasn't ready yet as a comedian and I lived in washington heights. This is Uh 86 87 heavy duty

I lived in washington heights. Where is that? Is that like it's north by right by authority, right by Port authority, okay On 178th street. No, yeah, 178th street. Yeah, that was my subway stop was 178. Sure. I lived at 181 Cabrini Avenue up there. So Um, it's all I could afford different world dog and this was and so this was as Crack was coming to the neighborhood. So There'd be gunshots at night Cabrini Avenue in the morning. There'd be burned out smoldering cars people would steal cars in manhattan

Drive them up there and just like set them on fire or whatever. So it was like probably the roughest Shittiest year of my life. So I always swore if I ever had any money, I'd live in new york city with style So 96 to 97 I had that sitcom on NBC And when that didn't work out I moved back to new york city and I got a rock star apartment in the wall street area and You know, I had broken up with some girl the sitcom didn't work out and I was hell bent. I was Party and I thought I was one of the Rolling Stones Not wrong with that. We all get confused

But I also looked at that money as my NBC artist grant and then that's when I started taking trips to london And and and once I got in with london that led to the gigs around europe and the rest of the world So, I mean, you know, I I was partying, but I I did make some strategic old smart moves, you know I think we've spoken about before not with you, but Just to let the audience know Whether you have a show for four episodes Or 80 episodes you had a show And if anybody was in the business, I always admire people who had a show

Whether it failed or it didn't because The public has to understand how hard it is for a show to come together Especially now with diversity and shit like that And they're trying to rewrite everything today. I was watching the news this morning my own business The weather was about to come on and the guy had a listen melano on there Do you know they're gonna reboot charmed? Like they're gonna redo charm like she's like all right cbs put it off till 2018 but they want to fucking reboot and the guy goes are you happy about it? He goes, you know, how would you feel?

How would you feel if somebody told you We could do your work better than you You know, but it's like they have no fucking original ideas It's a real hard time to put a show together. But my point was It's really hard to get a show tomrods. You did it And on mbc that was like kind of a weird Yeah, that was they were the new york yankees back then that was the must-see tv period friends and seinfeld and

Everything Jesus Christ friends was huge. This country sucked that in They started drinking coffee and hanging out at fucking coffee shops. Nobody was fucking nobody All of a sudden nobody wanted to fuck nobody you gotta hang out with you five nights a week But you're not gonna suck my dick. What are you crazy? I gotta hang out with you and your creepy girlfriends and nobody's sucking my dick. Nobody's doing nothing I gotta pay I gotta act like I give a fuck about you. What the fuck? Why is she here? Why is she here? You know what I'm saying? Why is she here? She ain't gonna cook

No, we were talking about his mother-in-law the other day And if she moves in, you know She don't want to cook. She's cooking now, but once he marries and then I won't come when I want to cook no more That's how the lawyer, you know what I'm saying? That's how the oh my god. Why is she here? She's not gonna cook. I can't have her. So is she gonna move in the mother-in-law? No, no, no No, we're just goofing on him. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like a disaster. No. Yeah, that would never happen But when you marry somebody ethnic, you got to expect it

I like it man. My wife is ethnic and I um, you know, my life is from holland But she's originally from Suriname, which was a dutch colony It's actually the dutch 300 years ago traded. What is now manhattan for Suriname? So there's a lot of indian people there. I thought she was indian. She's indian her Confused Yeah, it's a very complicated I thought she was indian. I'm sitting here gonna laugh. You're fucking guilty I thought she was fucking this. She's beautiful. I thought she was indian. She's indian

But she's from holland. So she grew up in hollywood. So her family, you know, their food is indian food With also like caribbean food So it's really magnificent stuff. So um, I always say, uh, have you ever lived in an apartment building and you're walking down the hall and like You know, some ethnic people live in in in one apartment because you walk by there and you can smell The dinner and you're thinking to yourself, man, that's some like something really exotic is being cooked in there That's my apartment. That's where I live now It's great. I love it. It's just constant exotic odors coming out of the kitchen

Tremendous when you're growing up and you get used to your mom's smell of cookies or meatloaf And as you're walking up the stairs, you could smell it. He's pleasing. I just Coming out of the kitchen. I love when I pull up now. My wife's making something with garlic As I'm turning the key. I could smell it in the air. I'm like, yeah, because my wife was like She's from Tennessee. She didn't want to use garlic. Then I would say put garlic It was like garlic out of hiv. No put garlic in that motherfucker worst-case scenario Takes care of an infection. I put garlic extra garlic and everything if I'm cooking

Blast that motherfucker with garlic. You don't think it tastes better My favorite is the the Thai dish. That's garlic chili and basil leaves That you could put that on a dog turd and I would eat it Garlic chili and basil leaves is the the perfect spice tremendous. Just don't bring it around me. I'm saying I can't deal with curry. I can't deal with curry. No, no, it's not the curry. That's that's indian like that kind of red hot Thai pepper No, I still can't sit there and eat it because somebody'll be eating curry and I'll be losing my mind You follow me. I can't take curry

You don't like it at all The smell really just makes me gag We've been talking about this for a few weeks since I had an incident where a friend had food in the car And I almost got sick. I had to tell him don't you put in the trunk Because I'm puking the fucking car. It was horrible talking about it. It's like when somebody brings McDonald's on a plane Different fucking odor. Yeah, so that big max stinks like a fucking yeah You get somebody's again. There's somebody's car. I remember when I was young and I'd be on the road I'd throw like fast food bags in the

In the back the trash and I wouldn't clean it out for a long time. You know, I was young and stupid Now you're getting somebody's car and they got like old fast food bags. It's like a real greasy nasty smell What's the weirdest thing that your girl has made Lee? Uh, her mom, it's not even that weird Uh, Saviche is just a little bit. I'm not used to it. I'm getting I'm I'm liking it more and more uh, I also The when she makes uh, pasole or any chicken soup. They just there's no taking bones out or yeah

And they just put the whole piece of chicken in so That was that's what I'm getting used to but her mom's food is amazing. It's uh, that's not the issue It's just I don't really if then the real issue is if I moved in the her my mom would get jealous And then that would be the huge issue. So no no mom's moving in at all. But as a kid I had a thing where Like every other pet kid's house Stunk like ass to me Like I don't know if it was the mom's cooking or what it was is it but I was used to my house

But I would get into other kids cars or the kids houses and it just smelled Smelled like bio. I don't even know what it smelled. It just smelled terrible my car Smells like tender ass holes in there It really does. I don't know if I father man I left it on off you for you always. I'll tell you I'll tell you one of the weirdest things I Every my my wife her grandmother When I first met her, uh, we'd been together like nine years in april So this is like five years ago

Or no had to be longer because it was the very first time I met the her grandmother So I go over to her house And she's cooking dinner and you know, you're you know, I'm I'm in love with this woman You know, of course, I want the family to like me So I'm had made the mental decision. I'm gonna eat whatever the grandmother puts in front of me and I'm gonna I'm gonna love it So she puts this this she brings out the food and I'm digging in and I'm throwing it in my mouth and chewing And it actually was delicious and I'm like, oh my god grandma. This is so good. What is this? And um, it was chicken hearts

I've had one chicken heart in my life in israel It was actually like whatever whatever spice she had used like once I knew what it was and I got like, oh my god I can't believe I was eating a chicken heart. If you ever make something, but here's the thing here's the problem So whenever so grandmother acted like so because I acted like I loved the chicken hearts every time I went over to her house She'd have she'd make it for me because she thought I loved it so much So if you're dating someone ethnic and you go to their family, you know, be careful before you act like you love what's in front of you So What are you gonna say Joey?

I have no fucking idea and you make something exotic when you make something exotic. I forgot what the fuck my point was No, no, no if you make something exotic And you offer it to me and I eat it and then when I'm a lady you tell me what it is I'm gonna puke on you I'm like, I'm one of those people like serious like if you trick me and go to cheeseburg And now a lady go no, we lied to you. It's like fucking Bulls balls Deep fried with teriyaki on it. I'll fucking die. Yeah, like I'm one of those guys. I got

I love veal scallopini. There's a friend of mine that made veal scallopini your asshole smoke would come out of it I mean you would just break down Raise your thin Tom Rhodes Raise your fucking thin. It was brilliant. I couldn't eat it I couldn't eat it. Why knowing that it was just a little lamb I couldn't eat it. I can't eat lamb. I can't eat cubans and santeria When you go to those santeria parties the animals they sacrifice to what they cook. They're fresh animals I can never eat none of that shit grown up

I wouldn't touch one of those fucking chickens. You understand me. Yeah, my mom, you know, my mother's from uh, Buenos Aires, Argentina and I've been down there four times I got all these cousins of down there and I have a cousin that has a restaurant in in patagonia In el bosón and I went to see him visit him and uh, and he slipped some like goat liver goat kidney something like that on me and like his you know, their english wasn't very good I don't speak very much spanish I'm like people. They're all laughing. You still like them I thought that was kind of uh, do she do she yeah me too

I don't I don't want to be slipped anything weird. No, that's why I tell people my boundaries and I appreciate it to respect I can eat anything. I I like exotic food. I like spicy. I love curry. I like I like everything but oysters I don't like oysters me either. Yeah, but I love seafood I love almost everything out of the sea, but you like clams Joey, don't you? I love clams Yeah, I can't do that. Those are different though. It's a different texture those things you get in boston those steamers. They're delicious I can't do any of all that stuff. I like clams on a half shell with a couple beers I like uh, you know, I like seafood There's not much I don't like I can't wait till my wife the baby gets over being car sick

There's a spot in Santa Monica dog Santa Monica Santa Barbara that has the spaghetti with the squid in it I've had that before and your teeth get all black. Yeah, your teeth get all black But the Cubans used to make that Step that used to make that squid with rice Oh my god, Tom Rhodes. Would you rezone shit in it and onions? See that's the shit I crave that my family broke up. I I missed my mother's cooking But I was so old fashioned that I never ate Cuban food for five years. Maybe after my mother died

Like I didn't start eating Cuban food till 84. My mother died in 79. I never touched the emotional I knew yeah, it has to be part of it was that and I knew that half the food I was gonna eat wasn't as good as my mother's food, right? So I started out with Cuban sandwiches that I went to Miami and I got boliche. That's my favorite You know, I like black beans and rice, but I don't like black beans and rice I like black beans and rice when it's by themselves If you want to give me a dish of black beans and rice, but when I'm eating something else, I don't know what it is I love the fucking black and white rice mixed already Congolese that shit's on the money. I've never even heard of that. Oh

Next time you go to Versailles get a side of Congolese I I mixed it together already anyways No, I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna just try the little two hours. Yeah, what do you give a fuck? Do you have a rule Tom? Because I mean you've traveled all over the world about what about just Because like the thing that struck me when I went to israel was how many mcdonalds and kfcs and all that stuff there were Do do you try to avoid those kind of places when you're in china and thailand? Yeah, well, you know, um You know every once in a while you'll be in a pinch I'll tell you like in jakarta

Indonesia, uh Was probably the greatest kentucky fried chicken i've ever had in my life There was a 24 hour place next to the hotel was doing this comedy festival there Five six years ago, you know, I was still drinking heavily then, you know, I'm all clean now Uh, and I'm plastered it's like three o'clock in the morning. There's a big two-story 24 hour kentucky fried chicken And they actually served it on real plates And uh, and it wasn't like that small genetically made

You know kentucky fried chicken, you know, we have in the states. It was like these were like big massive pieces it was great But normally I I do avoid the the you know, I like I like food. I like, um You know, I that's big part of the traveling for me is eating Yeah, weird wonderful stuff. I'm not really that we I don't really get that weird I tend to stick to basic things like things you like. I mean, I just not uh, I don't avoid The culinary experience right is what i'm saying I'm not looking i'm not looking out for a blowfish or anything right? I don't want to do that

I think it'd be really fun to just have like sushi in japan. Yeah It did like pasta in Italy. I think that'd be kind of fun. Korea's got great food. Jesus christ the korean barbecue That's good over there. Oh my god. It's so good. And then the The shabu shabu which I the originally comes from japan, but the koreans are all over it. That's a big Boiler soup and you just keep throwing shit in it Vegetables and thinly sliced beef and it cooks the beef for you. Yeah, and you take it out You take it out and you like eat it like a you know out of a bowl It's freaking delicious. There's a few shabu shabu places in l.a. I've tried that weren't even close to it

That's right. No, no, that's why I didn't know even in korea town There's there are some korean barbecue places that are phenomenal. You just get loaded up Now when we were talking earlier, you know, I was telling you that this sunday's gonna be my 20th anniversary At the store and I couldn't believe it the last couple days just because I was such a loser That was stuck with nothing in my life. Like I knew when I tried comedy and I said to myself, what is that? I'm about to quit my job. I'm about to go nomad I'm about to go off the spectrum. Let your hand off the edge of the pool. Oh, I owed In credit card debt. I mean, there was nothing left when I got into comedy

There was no more checks from discover You know those checks they send you when you get the discover card. There was no more of those left. It was over Evicted my car got fucking repoed. I mean it was over I was living off of fucking stipend From the sports betting service They would send me like 800 a month to pay rent and utilities and get groceries And I was delivering chinese food making money but snorting coke with two hands I was always chasing it child support was 365 the attorneys

500 a week to vig with the fucking attorneys every week. It was deep And one day I called the attorneys like a man. I said, listen, I got an opportunity to become a comedian I'm leaving tomorrow You could send my thing to collection If you send it to collection, you could write it off. But as a man, I tell you what I will do I will call you when I get to seattle I will call you when I get a job and I will Figure out a payment plan with you

Give me 90 days to send you a payment plan to do all three of them. We're like, okay And you know what I paid them Took me a long fucking time But I paid these guys even though two of them weren't worth their weight in gold If something would have ever gone down I would have machine gunned them both on the way to fucking new york to become a drug dealer That's how much they took me for everything those guys do every credit card After a while they were taking credit card payments

You know, you can't go nowhere to follow motion. I was always following the motion with my ex-wife, but The moral of the story is I couldn't I couldn't believe I stuck with something for 20 years Especially the company store dog. I got any six from every place. I don't have it You know what I'm saying growing up. I got any six from every place. I hung out it Why because I always did something I always did something The company store I walked on a crooked line for a long time, but mitzsche sure had my back

So whenever they complained to her she just came leave fat baby alone and that was it I never spit in her face. I never did nothing Every once in a while I found something on the floor and put it in my pocket Like something I'm saying or somebody else. Well, like what maybe a lot of bill here or there maybe You know from time to time you find stuff up there But you never really had a falling out you didn't go there for seven years But but that was on a personal decision didn't ask me to leave that right? Yeah come back. I just thought that Listen, man, I was I look I watch if Tom Rhodes walked into side splitters

In 1982 when did you start comic 84 84 you walked into side splitters and in 84. What's the guy that owns side splitters? Bobby Joel, but I didn't Okay, yeah, it doesn't matter Tom Rhodes comes in He's a 17 year old comic. He has fucking promise For three years I am seeing I pay him a little money I take care of him the last two years because he's fucking up the feature acts Then he becomes my feature act. Okay, you know what he's pretty fucking good

But I'm in Orlando, Florida or whatever the fuck Tampa, Florida, you know MTV don't come down here, you know NBC A&E in those days nobody going went to Tampa, Florida If you were a comic if they didn't even know there was a scene in Tampa, I'm just making an example But all of a sudden this guy liked you And all of a sudden he would come to you and go come here for a second This guy's manager keeps calling me. He wants me to give him a raise go up there and blow him off the stage I'll give you an extra hundred You know how long that will last now you have that for like a two years and then he starts headlining you on the holidays, right?

He headlines you the fourth of july weekend. He headlines your valentine's day Gives you a new year with a star You have nowhere to go by that time you've been doing comedy for seven years You're pretty damn fucking good. It's time for you to move on I have a seven-year limit with a club You know because I tweeted like if I was doing comedy in michigan, or I started in Denver How long would you stay at the comedy works before you went and pursued your dreams? When you were blowing off all the headliners off the stage

When the headliners were saying wendy you can't put to them, but let me duck I can't take that that motherfuckers killing You know when they start saying that you got to go that way So how long does it take for them to start saying that? Seven years. I was at the store. I was at the store for seven years by that point when I bought out I was doing spots five to six times a weekend hosting on Sundays You know I was drinking for free. You know, you know the fucking deal up there I was fucking having a great time there. You know getting my dick sucked in the bathroom and creating memories creating memories. Absolutely, right

So but I never really Robbed and there was one discrepancy. I was the driver And I went to the bank one day and I went to put the positive and it was off like a yardstick And I gave the banker all the fucking money even though I would have taken that hundred hours in any other situation And the banker added it on but somebody at the comedy store said there wasn't an extra hundred in there There was but then it went away. Then there was another dude that didn't like me and he said I stole two cartons of cigarettes So they confronted me one night and it was tremendous. That's the first time that's the second time mitsy sure Saw me tell him motherfucker to suck my dick

Like right through his face. I didn't steal him suck my dick. You have a problem fucker. He liked my girlfriend at the time the stripper Every time I'd be on stage you'd bring your cocktails and shit So he made up this thing that I stole a carton of cigarettes. Yeah, man It was tough up there for me the early days. I got into the fight with that one dude Then I was hosting one night I told the kid not to touch the microphone because it was broken. He purposely went and took the mic off the thing I asked him why he did it. He wanted to throw a punch at me Then I fucking zapped him up there and I called him down the whole way and I hit him with a pool cue

I put him with a poop I threw a fucking You know those white balls from when you're playing pool. Yeah, I set the place up like coda silence chuck norris 83 Uh, steven segal did it in that one movie about brooklyn, but he stole it from chuck fucking chuck norris and coda silence and shit I threw that his car door and sounding like a bomb went off. He thought ices wasn't down He took off and he showed up with a water pistol to spray me with a gun Here I showed up with a white cue ball boom He just took off and called the comedy storm lawyer. I mean I had a lot of drama at the store like

That type of shit permits. He loves that shit That's meant to his world people leave jobs because they don't like co-workers. It's amazing. All these stories are here about comedians It's amazing that more of you just don't it's amazing that as many of you survived to do Like I don't get to me like it was a lot that didn't make it bro. There's a lot of not didn't make it I get it. Jesus christ. Why do you think I'm over here fucking confused? Because I stuck with it for 20 years just at the store. I've been doing it for 26 27 this year Hopefully but think about it I never did nothing good. I sold drugs

I was the only thing I was good at that's the only longevity I had From 16 to fucking total, you know the 10 years ago I knew how to make a buck flip and coke and stomping it and still giving out the joey ds award the drug dealers back in new york, right? But though You know, I when I first started calm you gotta you gotta consider how many nights I was fiending coke until some sucker came up to me and said, you know what? And you're like, Jesus, there is a god up in the sky And you're like, I'm gonna make both 180, but I'll charge you 240

I'll buy a gram from him. I'll get a fucking bump from him And I'll get a half gram from this bitch. That's a party for a guy like me in those days That's miami vice type money. I didn't have big expectations As long as I had 20 dollars cash and like a gram and a half of coke in those days. I was good I didn't need a penthouse or a boat. I didn't need chicks hanging out in bikinis. I didn't 20 bucks. That's all you wanted That's it. I could go to a bar. I have a couple cocktails and buy breakfast in the morning I'm good and tomorrow's another struggle tomorrow bump into another sucker

Let me give some shout out to day to day plan Real quick. This is interesting tonight Out of john 73. I love you cocksucker rob betts on fights Robert lumas ryan dow kevin stanley space monkey shorn My main man the australian warrior got my back Jordan dixon and steve koback you bad motherfuckers What are you gonna do? I can't be talking about you. Hello to chuck bowman's son big fan of the show

What's happening chuck bowman's son? I love you bad motherfucker Keep it together. He's gonna be very happy. That's where is he? He's in uh, or they live in ovito where i'm from in florida. They came and saw my show and uh at the improv in orlando I play there every christmas time and uh, he was like man He enjoyed the as a show. He's a big fan of the show. I'm like, yeah, joey's a buddy of mine It was funny like nothing else impressed him, but how that was uh It's like when you have a A young nephew or niece and they kind of like you

And then you pop up on one of their favorite tv shows and one day the phone rings and it's like Listen, my son wants to talk to you. Why he doesn't even talk to me. Uh, uncle joey I saw you as the meatball king today. Oh boy I'm so proud of you now. I can tell my friends. You're the meatball king and shit I swear to god I went home one time to check call me. She said you need to do it forever My son told the kids He knows the meatball king. They don't believe him. Can you just go to the school me and go by the fence? I swear to god

I just had to get on the car and wave and he's like, I told you motherfuckers. I told you I know people and shit That's my uncle joey three years later. He never fucking liked me when he was a kid That's amazing. I remember years ago when I when I had that sitcom my uh Margie called me up. They actually lived in maryland and and some kid that lived near them was saying He was like, the kid was like 10 or 12 years old and he was running his mouth at school saying that he knew me And the kids at school were like, no, fuck you. You don't know that guy So she asked me to sign a picture for the kid. He was getting harassed at school And I thought I said look margie. I don't know this fucking kid

Maybe he shouldn't be running his mouth at school, you know So I'm gonna have to sign a picture like we know each other so this kid cannot be harassed Maybe this is where you should learn his lessons You know, I I am always been in all of you. I watch at the store sometimes and You know deep down inside. I know i'm just a fucking character No, you're a wrecking ball. I love watching you too guys like you you think stuff out and you're very likable on the whole thing And it's so weird that you started at 17 at 17 if I would have started comedy I would have quit when I was 18

Do you know what I mean? Like I was a weak fuck at 17 like You did you say you quit high school? No, you didn't know I graduated and then I went right on the road But you were doing comedy in high school started in 11th grade. Yeah, like a pizza place No, it was uh the the club the comedy club in Orlando, which at the time was the funny farm And I had to get a fake id To perform there. I was you had to be 21 to get into the clubs and back then in florida Maybe it was the same in new york back then but when you got your driver's license They gave you a pink slip with it in case you lost it

So you could bring the pink pink slip in to get your license replaced So my older brother john who was 21 I took his pink slip to the dmv I'm sure the statue of limitations has run out And he made me like memorize all his information like his social security and all this and And I went and had my photo taken on his license So it was it was flawless. I did the exact same thing without the photo In jersey growing up. There was no pictures

Well on the license on the license. It was a three Fold license. Wow back front your name date Where you lived in jersey? What kind of license you had? So if you had for years, I was michael abrano For a couple years. I was this kid named screech I had them all Skeetch something like that. They called him because he was tight like he was cheaper money. They called him skeetch So one of my friends robbed his identity and that's what you did in those days

You sold everybody your spare License which was even better. The only thing they would ask you in those days was what sign are you? That's it at the drivers at the dmv. No at all the clubs and you know, uh-huh. That's for a son Are you motherfucker? That was I learned that truck too when I was at the movie theater They told me to just ask people what their birthday was because their birthday was it was kind of fucking crazy They freeze I should say that Plan worked great until I got a speeding ticket on my brother's license and he beat me up and took it away from me

But for a good two years, I had a good run, but I was already in with the clubs by then And when were you starting to go on the road? How old uh 18? I graduated from high school and when I was 18 years old and Some touring comedians had come through And I remember the first because in high school. I had done all these shitty one-nighters I was a senior in high school. I was opening up for brian reagan I was in san francisco last weekend last weekend brian reagan came by he was playing at the masonic theater I'm these i've known brian reagan as long as i've been a comedian

And we're great old friends. I used to open up for him doing these shitty but fuck one-nighter gigs max famous bar and Daytona was a really tough biker bar Where's he from originally in miami? brian reagan is from miami, baby. Yeah, his family's got from like 11 kids And and and brian was clean back then and he would destroy the place So so so when I was a senior I was doing one-nighters all over florida and then Through touring acts it had come through. I had made some connections Uh, I remember

Like two weeks after I graduated high school. I was booked in tulsa, oklahoma And I remember I I drove halfway across the united states for $150 And I remember crossing this tulsa City limits thinking to myself. I'm in show business I mean, I could have been doing the tonight show or s and l. That's how I felt. It was like man I'm in Tulsa, man. I'm getting paid, you know, and then like Uh, the next week I was booked in in, you know, walkishaw wisconsin and then driving back to florida You know, I stopped in like indianapolis and

Louisville, atlanta and did guest sets at the at the clubs, you know, i'm trying to expand it He just went through changes like the changes are starting now. Oh my god. Oh, did it kick in? Oh, yeah, yeah, we had we had a couple of stars. So it's starting to kick in. What is it? Huh, what did oh just stars just stars at that t.h.c. Oh, nothing crazy No, he just he looks pretty He looks like he's coming no, yeah, he's coming around he's he had 1600 milligrams of t.h.c He's about to go to a fucking store. He looks like he's in mid-orgasm. Oh, no. I gotta give him another star We're gonna come give us tonight. We're going deep tonight. Oh my god. He's gonna sleep like a baby

I'll say anything on this show. I'm screwed later on life. It's I've done I've done everything on this show So it doesn't I don't I don't mind saying the first time I did this show and it was in you It was at your apartment. Yeah, and joey you got you had some weed. It was I was so high halfway In the conversation. I just like I I felt like I might have been out for like 10 minutes and I talked to you about it later and you're like no No, you were fine. But like there was just like I mean I was like seeing stars and we had cards floating around my head I'm gonna make a confession right here I my anxiety started in that apartment with Lee

Our bodies could not handle poorly People think I break these balls. Let me tell you something. I know Lee's a tank Because Lee would go join for the joint with me. That's five 30 in the morning. Nobody does that animals do that And this week this is when the Animals do that prisoners of war do that type of shit people have been tortured in prison camps Nobody smokes pot at five thirty in the morning

Nobody that that's animalistic shit. Maybe they take a one hit off of a joint. Maybe you'll get breakfast first Just be civilized read the paper, you know Drink a cup of coffee. We were drinking coffee going to his house And getting blasted and I gotta tell you that was when I was getting the first dose of anxiety That was when I was there was times I had to take the earphones off Being in that fucking room remember we used to have Diet Coke at 6 a.m. Are you doing Diet Coke? That's terrible for you terrible That early morning shit. We did what you guys did though

Like I mean you really kind of started the show like kind of a mom and pop organization I mean it took off and you guys were doing great then but like just the way it grew From that to to this now is is really cool. Tom. It's not as soon as I looked at your corporation now It's it's it's as soon as I looked and I saw I remembered that you came a second time But in my head I I only remembered the first visit and I was thinking about that today because I knew you were coming on. I was like we had the Lysol wipes as our tripods

Yeah, we had the yeah everything was set up on the like your kitchen table or something Not even a kitchen table a fucking a card table and a desk and it's uh That was like four years ago. That's good. Just it was it it's it's it's crazy how far it's come I was talking to the lady who does publicity for new wave today And she was telling me that She's learning new shit every day that the traditional publicist is a thing of the past like even she's behind Because of what's going on now The internet's a new animal now, right the internet has become a new fucking animal

You know, they don't even want to release the pictures of how many numbers how many people on the internet a daily fucking basis watching something Videos comedy shows stand-up specials Old movies the little rascals this shit runs shit now This run stuff, you know, we're we're like pirate radio But it's tremendous I love that we pick our hours. I love that This is our little fucking war here. I love everything about this. This has been a great You know, who would have known you got into stand-up that this

You could do anything yourself now. It's great. Yeah, you do anything yourself. I see these young kids wearing specials. I put them aside and listen Comedy saints. I don't give it to you only going to play your special one time and move on forget that Put 10 minutes on every 90 days Watch your career grow like a savage people that don't they work every day Get on twitter put the fucking 10 minutes set on every 90 days. What do that fucking for 18 months? Call me back and give me a commission, all right Call me back and give me a fucking commission. That's the recipe there I've been putting out these weekly videos called knowledge nuggets. Absolutely. Have you seen those? No, no

Send them to me, you know, I'm not gonna knock on my door and say joey. What the fuck You send it to me on to it. I'll retweet it for you get it out there for you. Okay. Okay. Well, but yeah There's just like little factoids people things that I think people should know, you know But I'm still impressed with the 17th shit on the road. I would have never had the discipline the balls I mean, I left jersey at 18 19 don't know why no, I knew I just I knew college wasn't for me. My family didn't have Money to send me to college, you know, and they weren't teaching stand-up comedy

You know, I knew I wanted to be a comedian from the time I was 12 So I was like I was writing jokes and notebooks from 12 to 17 And in high school I I hosted the pep rallies and the talent shows So I was already kind of warming up And then, you know, I was a student of comedy. My dad had Richard Pryor records I remember kinnison coming out when I was like in 10th grade that blew my mind You know and uh, you never wavered from 12 on you were never like, hey, maybe I'll be a Veterinary and for and that was for a year. No, I I think uh, I I think up till about 15

Uh, it was either a stand-up comedian or major league baseball player And then um kid started throwing the curve ball and then I couldn't hit it. So I knew it was not going to be baseball Well, you know, I that's crazy that until 15 because baseball seems like one that would be Like it's a younger kid one more attainable. Yeah, that's great. No, I uh, it was it was my dream and and comedy was exciting like in the 80s. It was You know, David Letterman and all this alternative shit was happening Really on, uh, you know, Steven Wright Emo Phillips was a lot of cool shit happening and as a 17 year old you saw that on on tv or yeah, I used to get the

TV guide at the beginning of the week and I would look through all the talk shows And I would circle when they would have comedians on and so like Johnny Carson was my University professor I've worshipped Carson And I I loved when he would have comedians on and I you know So I would watch these people and then HBO had the HBO specials. I would watch those Uh, you know watch snl anything that had anything to do with stand-up comedy. I it was my um, that was my my schooling What did your friends say went went when you were going home on a Friday night to watch these things or well after 17 I was going to the comedy club

Right. So like I would skipped a lot of football games and dances and stuff to go do stand-up on the weekends Okay, so they were I mean, you know, they had to endure a lot of Um Cheesy jokes like I remember when I started doing comedy at 17 all my thoughts were the thoughts of a 17 year old So it was all like trying to get laid on dates and things like that I found a I found it when I you know, I had everything in storage for 10 years And when I got everything out of storage, I found uh, I I've been keeping Comedy notebooks like hardback notebooks from the time I was 20

But I actually found one of my comedy notebooks from when I was 17 And uh, do you want me to lay a joke on you from the 17 year old tom rhodes? Okay, so 1984 if you remember Africa was starving remember you live aid live aid And then if you remember men's fashion had a lot of paisley Okay, so here's a joke that was in my 17 year old notebook that I When I was looking through it when I moved in and got everything out of storage hit me I gave a bunch of clothes to charity

And the man at the charity shop Said that these clothes were going to be sent to Africa Oh, I could see some guy in Africa wearing my clothes going gee I hope this paisley vest doesn't clash with my genitals Move on It was the 17 year old me listen, man. Yeah You don't even want to hear what's coming on about me 28 so Can I plug some dates your way ahead of me? No, no, we're not done yet. We're still yakking

I'm still what when did you start featuring if you stole my god. I was so I think about when I was uh 22 23. Yeah, I am see I am seed for like five six years. Yeah, maybe five I am seed for four years. The first time I featured was for lorry kill martin at the seattle comedy underground Memorial day labor day weekend 1995 I loved that room that original underground was fantastic The kingdom was across the street with the fucking roaches on the nachos

And the smell of humidity Oh, if you ever went to see me there, li and I knew who you were like you you like nachos No, I don't anymore. What are you talking about? No, I wouldn't have told you I would have just bought your nachos and put you in a certain chair behind the thing And while you're looking at the comedian laughing Eating the nachos there'd be a water bug On the other side of your nachos and you'd see his antennas moving while he's sucking the Milk out the cheese to his little antennae in the stomach. I mean, you don't like when people give you

I would suck it I would be at the beam waiting to go up because you walked from where the office was from ron reed's office So you always walk to the right of the stage at the old underground and while I was bringing you up you stopped at that beam on my right Okay, that beam You stood there for a minute because if the guy was long winded this guy would always reach out and go good luck But while he was talking to him, they'd be like it was very dark He's been watching the show his girlfriend's watching the show. The roaches were smart

They go to the opposite end where they were sitting. They couldn't see the fucking roach I'd see the roach in plain sight another roach on the table Going to join his brother. I wouldn't say two words. You have to say something I couldn't I wouldn't say two fucking words If you let a roach go on your nachos, you deserve to what you get and you understand the nachos You can't see them. Fuck them. They're attacking from all angles. Fuck him. He put him. He should put them close to him He shouldn't get nachos at the comedy underground. You should know better. You're dumb fuck You remember the the the condo that they would put you in it was in pioneer squares like it's like two blocks

You know what I never went up there. I never wanted I would never was one of the Pioneer square was always like junkies and junkies and fucking But it was this fight you're staying right downtown Seattle. It was a great block and a half from the club that area I love that area. Yeah, I can't lie there was a teriyaki place next to it was great there next to the underground The underground was great that experience for what it was for me at that time was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life I was stuck. I was living in bolder and had a decision to make when I want to be a comedian Well, I wanted to fight hand in hand combat for the for the fucking In child custody

I was losing my mind. I was losing the battle, but I wasn't gonna lose the war and I was gonna do some muggles. I said, you know I got this little freak that lives in Seattle She says if I move up, then get a job. She'll let me put in her muffler I might as well. I did a triple run that took me right to portland dog He financed the whole move for me, you know 120 a night whatever the fuck you're working your way across working my way up the fucking peninsula That night after the gig I couldn't wait to get through a house. I moved in with him the rest, you know It was a fucking nightmare for a year and a half, but I pulled it off and I became a comedian I knew what it was. You know, I lived in an office

I knew what it was to take a shower at the gym, you know, you you learn how to hustle voice over work and And uh, how do you get that? I'd love to do voice. This is in seattle where it was a small market But from time to time you'd get a call. Can you do a regular white guy actually? Yeah come down 35 miles a day. They were robbing you But you know when you're living hand the fucking mouth and you you have to wait till 10 o'clock to eat dinner because that's when the happy hour At that one place mcquamick and schmitz They had the two-dollar menu so you couldn't it was from four to seven to 10 to 11 So if you were broke you had to wait for four to eat dog

four $10 at mcquamick and schmitz got you two fucking crab cakes A hamburger an order of fries a bottle frozen coke And maybe a shrimp cocktail for 10 bucks if you had another fin you tipped And then you wait to go to the comedy club see what the guy was paying how many people would show up And you go right back to mcquamick and schmitz at 10 o'clock and they were the happy hours for 10 to close in those days same menu crab cakes Fucking cheeseburger french fries they charge you two bucks for french fries, but you would kill for these fucking things

I'm calling mcquamick and schmitz It's an interesting fucking life. You know like our friend stanthole lived in a car He was the one in the game of the idea to put the fucking curtain in the back of my lease on You know, I saw a dugs travel car like in 1995 in seattle 96 The one he was using to travel across the country with the fucking hanger in the back and his whole life was in the back See he had a lot of proportion of footballs. I copied the whole fucking blueprint He's like just move on the road

I was like, that's not a bad idea I put a fucking hanger in the back and the back was a pillow a blanket, you know Toilet paper more toilet paper emergency toilet paper if you cut somebody with a knife toilet paper I had a knife in there. I had fucking Uh, those little candles, you know, what do you call those flamingo things with the thing the pinks uh the motive What do you call those things they have pink in there and they're flammable? You could fucking light up build the oh flares. No, no When you go camping you pop the can and you put a marshmallow stick in there and shit and the marshmallow gets black

Tell me you never did that Lee I went camping. I'm a I'm a mook. I had a shitty fucking childhood Like we're doing that type of shit and I know that you get a can of rubio. Whatever the fuck it is You pop it up and you put a lighter to it and then you get a little fucking stick And you get a marshmallow like a half a fag and you sit there for 10 minutes and it cooks the marshmallow Even I fucking know that Lee and I'm I'm a fucking, you know, you never did that with a marshmallow I would just build a flameo flameo flameo. That's it some fucking shit like that. I think flameo is probably illegal now flameo doesn't sound that safe Flammo sounds like something before regulations

Yeah, I think I think that was even like a fake product in like a 30 rock product I think somebody would complain if you had a product called flameo today That's not conducive with the fucking LBGT community Somebody would complain. Let me tell you something ladies and gentlemen Sometimes I got to make a rude fucking dice for the bathroom If you want to fucking judge me wait till you get 50 years old and everything you drink comes right out of you 10 minutes later, you can't even sleep at night

You got to go with the drop boat before you go to sleep when you're 50 you got to sit there and not drink anything for two hours Some nights I go to bed so fucking thirsty. I put that sleep app in your mask on I wake up like one of those fucking black kids In Africa. I can't breathe. I can't do nothing I got cotton mouth all the way down to my fucking esophagus Because I'm scared to fucking drink something so I don't get up in the middle of night And do you know what even if I stop drinking fluid at six o'clock at 3 30 There'll be two fucking minutes worth of piss in my leg somewhere That drains in the middle of fucking night

So I'm sorry if you're judging me, but wait till you turn fucking 50 cocksuckers at least you don't pee your bed No, it's been years I've had accidents over the years, but it's been years that last one three four years ago. Was it that's it That's it there. I haven't had and it was from the surgery I haven't had one for a while. Thank god. I went into shock I'm looking forward to I've never done. I'm never done with a girl in the bed. That's gonna be weird That's gonna be bad. Just look at them And go what happened

You get up you throw you underwears in the fucking floor and you wake her up and go what happened to you last night She'll say to you my my panties are dry. It couldn't have been me. What are you crazy? You were sleepwalking. I knew you were doing something crazy in the middle of the night 33 years time roads 33 years my brother. All right, so now it took you five years to feature When did you start headlining after that? Where was your first destination move? Was it SF? Well, yeah after after that first year when I moved to new york when I was 20 I lived there for a year Then I moved back to florida and licked my wounds for a year

And then I moved to san francisco when I was 22 and then that's where I really got good as a comedian It was a great scene and in you would say 22. What year was it? 91 I think no You're fucking 50. I'm 54. Couldn't have been 91. I was 21 And 85 90 90 so what I was 23 then 23 this 23 Comedy scene in this country Was on a fucking bull. Yeah that by that time I got locked up

All right, I got locked up By the time I got to my final destination They put me in the kitchen I almost blew up the fucking kitchen. They put maybe a baker fest in this all black kitchen They always ask you when you check in you ever have that disease and I'm like, I got no fucking diseases Nobody told me you're supposed to say you had it at one time because then they won't put you in the kitchen I didn't want to be labeled with a guy with disease. I got no disease

They asked you if you had like when you ever have whooping cough. No go see the guy in the kitchen He's looking for workers and you know, what the fuck? I don't want to work in the kitchen I got a driver's license. I want to work for when I went to the kitchen They made me a baker for like three or four days But they made me make cinnamon muffins and I almost blew up the fucking kitchen in the oven Because left the oven. I swear to god the things got huge. Everybody laughed at me and shit So he fired me from the bakery and he made me a dishwasher stock clerk And I had my own region in the fucking tank, but that's not important

Every night you had a different activity that you could either attend or not attend The most popular activity was movie night. They wouldn't play anything good. Nothing camera. It's like, you know They would have to stand up and it was something that you didn't want to watch that the prisons picked And then they cut it. There was no sex and then the shit whatever But the projector would keep fucking breaking And I used to fuck around the kitchen since I was a dishwasher I would be there when the guys were eating and if the food wasn't good, I had different Guys that I would let them know not what not to eat

Like they had canned shit dog. This is the lowest grade food you could buy That's what you eat as a prisoner when you see it. You can't fucking believe it Thank god, you had a 20 minute furlough every day to buy food And I knew dudes who cooked food And I could clip the good stuff like eggs for guys to help the mountain shit like that But I would always make jokes at this black guy named ecchi that was in there For bank robbery and arm robbery cool. Do you call this catchy? No, his name was ecchi He was about six for four

185 pounds. He looked like uh The Detroit hitman. What was his name the fighter? Thomas hitman. He looked just like ecchi looked just like him And I would tell ecchi that I give him extra mashed potatoes if he'd come into the jail facility and say freeze And the the head of the kitchen would always go Mr. Whatever his name was mr. Edwards Stopped out already, but he would always walk in real calm and collected and just go freeze loud And the whole place would fucking stuff

They were all street guys So they all knew like freeze and they'd stop then they turn around and go ecchi you black motherfucker knock it off But ecchi had a sense of humor these other guys. So I got into goofing with that And they would call me cuba now we call them whatever You fucking black fuck get it together and shit. I was having them ship you back to cuba you fucked They'll confuse you for one of those cubans. They'll make you cut, you know, just White stuff, you know, man I spent one weekend in jail in little rock, arkansas. Oh, Jesus christ

The ui no man. It was a fucked up story my um really good friend of mine from high school Our senior year he had moved to little rock and like I said, I started out on the southern circuits So I would go see this guy Whenever I was anywhere near uh, arkansas, you know, I drive out of my way go see him so We had um I stopped off to see him in in little rock. He had set up You know some some girls for us to take out and back then

Uh, there's a river that runs right beside little rock arkansas. There's the downtown And there was this big field big empty field. I'm sure that now that's where the clinton library is But teenagers used to go park there and drink and make out with girls And you know, you're looking at the city on the other side of the river So we're sitting there drinking beer with these girls to uh, Swinging chicks from camp robinson some area in little rock And then all these cop cars come from both directions and all these kids are running And they're you know, they're they're busting people for drinking

and um You know, my dad was in the military. My brother's in the military my there was two cops One took me and my girl to one side of the car and the other cop took him and his girl to the other side of the car So, um because I've been around military people and I know you don't run your mouth to cops. I'm yes, sir No, sir. Yes, sir. No, sir And the words had just left my cop's mouth He said you can pour out the beer and I will let you go And right as those words left his mouth, I could hear my friend on the other side of the car go

Well, fucking take us to jail then So they took us all to jail and this was like on a friday night And because they were all they all had arkansas addresses they all Got out within like an hour or two and because I had an out-of-state license I had to stay until monday morning for the um To go in front of a judge And the first day was okay. I was in the drunk tank

And I you know, I'm just like whatever year it was 86 and uh The these uh, these black dudes in the jail were calling me. Um, they thought I looked like tom cruise What'd you in for a top gun or calling me top gun? What'd you do top gun? You know, it's a drunk tank. It was kind of fun And they're bringing some old guy and he's like, oh just the town drunk and he lies down He's drunk. He's sleeping it off

But on day two they put me in like serious jail And it was like nowhere to sit. There's like a picnic bench in the middle of the room The jail's overcrowded. There's like five guys sitting on like the top bunk and uh, the the and you know, I I I didn't go to the bathroom. I was terrified. You know, there's like a toilet in the corner And um, and then actually the the In front of the judge on the monday the cop came And said told the judge that I was courteous and said yes, sir. No, sir. And it was my friend Tim

Hope he listens to this. It's funny because This is gonna be a weird statement and Lee's eyes balls are gonna open up But some of the funniest times I've had I've been in county jail Some of the most laughter that's ever come out of my mouth has been in county jail and I'll tell you what's spectacular about that You're sober in there and you have nothing to laugh about But the situational comedy Is hysterical and if you're have it three quarters together like I always did. Yeah

I was a flunky at a thief and I was throwing coke But I had it together in other ways like I had a job at the time of my arrest I had a driver's license. I had a g.d You know all these things these guys didn't have that I thought I was a loser. I had a g.d A driver's license. I sold cars Like they were like you had a job for a year before you got in trouble. I like just they were like fascinated Like I was like a fucking experiment that that was what was weird about it

Was it like nervous laughter? Like you just were so Angry and like upset about being in there or was it genuine laughter? You're fucking asshole. It's funny. I just read this quote by Samuel Beckett yesterday and he said Nothing is funnier than unhappiness You know there's nothing no like I'm thinking of a situation one time in In uh, Seattle. I got arrested on a Friday night

I get to the holding tank at 11 o'clock at night on a Friday. You're gonna see some action I don't want to see it I'm trying to sleep over here. I got a seat. Nobody's gonna sleep. Yes. You either could sit down. There's no way to sleep But that night there was one asian guy He was gonna be cute and he's laying on the meadow with his feet up and shit Also, the door's open and the guy walks in and he's looking for a seat and there's no seat And he taps the asian guy and the guy won't open his eyes and he taps him again. He won't open his eyes So this guy just sits on his fucking head

He just sits on his fucking head. I see the whole thing go down This guy this asian guy pops up and goes into a karate stance and the spanish guy just sits and he goes What's he mad at you? What's he mad at you? I tap you two times. You don't move it. Okay. I sit down fucking you The chinese guy said, okay, you made sense and they sat down Like that was brilliant. I thought that was like a quick thing that another time I saw a guy walk in When I was a young man one of the scariest things I ever felt in my life Was I was at the tombs

On New York City, I was the tombs. Wow, and I was gonna spend the weekend in there from a sat I was gonna spend two nights in there. Holy fuck really I'm 30 30 years old I just got into comedy and a friend of a friend and Next thing, you know, three of us get put in the tombs I walk in there. I'm in there. I'm chilling. There's fucking 90 people and there's six chairs And one of the guys I walk in with

Punches a guy that's sitting down Takes the chair and sits on the chair. Wow. I don't have to tell you. That's not my world dog I would have stood all night just to be left the fuck alone. Do you remember? I don't want to cut you off No, I was the story that that was do you remember? It was it was like one of the first things I ever did for comedy central. I did these This series of little commercials. They played them in the commercial breaks. They're called interstitials but um

Remember what Dennis leary did those things on mtv where like he was they filmed this joke like a rock star Oh I guess this would be like 92 93 Somewhere like that So like Dennis leary had done these things on mtv where they filmed him telling his jokes And it looked like a rock video So comedy central did that with me and that was the first thing that kind of got me attention on comedy central that led to

other stuff so They filmed like six of my jokes like rock videos And it was in a jail cell and it was the comedy central thing was comedy central where hot new comedians do time We filmed those at the tombs in new york city. There was one section that they had rented out And uh, we spent like three or four hours in there. They had the you know, they like pumped smoke in and I was like I'm swinging on the on the jail door and I'm behind the bars at one point They did all these different angles of me telling these jokes So we must have filmed in there for like three or four hours

And they were the the spots were really cool looking but Even just filming television. I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. That was like one of the creepiest places That was a creepy place I just want to know what they did with the people who were in those cells before you run to them out I don't know like maybe they were All the cells for three and one and yeah for a day It's a it's a you know, I could sit down against a pinch I could go like I could go home and write maybe

two hours of stories from just Comic or shit. I saw a county jail across the country from a fucking County job across the country like I was probably I'm like maybe never neck You never get to know a place until you've seen their county jail, right? One of the best county jail stories I ever had was When I got sentenced the state of Colorado was overcrowded

So the first thing they tell you when you get sentenced and sign the paperwork is You're signing your consent to travel You can't stay here. So you have to wait for an opening. You either go to Fucking or somewhere in Nebraska Or they would take you somewhere in south texas And I signed fuck no You know, I'm not going nowhere. I want to stay in Colorado If you did they cut an extra third off of your time

I knew that there was a bill coming out to cut my time. So all I had to do was do my time I didn't sign it and they said to me listen, you're gonna sit in fucking county for 90 days But it didn't matter because they're two days for one in county to give you two days for one. That's the beauty of it So I spent three weeks in there. It was like a month or something like that So by the time I got set to county I kept thinking I was going to one of those prisons. You know what they sent me? Summit Colorado a ski resort. They were renting out cages. This was a fucking plan. This is like a This is like you were one step from freedom. They went the safe way for you

At night every night they took an order. You pay them. They went the safe way for you Booze potato chips sandwiches. You could stay up till two watching tv. Could you give me some capers? Fucking you fuck. No, nobody got capers done But I was in there with a dude named Michael bell He hung out with this other little skinny creepy fucking white dude. They weren't racist and nothing He was just always talking about his girlfriend I got that fucking hottest bitch in the world. She lets me come on her and shit I'm gonna beat it with an appeal and I'm gonna go back

You know what? I didn't see that motherfucker for years. I went somewhere. He had committed like a attempted murder. He was getting He settled for 10 years His bitch was fucking hotter than death Do you know that four years later my fucking dealership in Boulder, Colorado And the cops come into the dealership and they're like, listen, you guys gotta Evacuate here at spice six o'clock. We're closing the streets Some guy shot four kids up in the mountains of colorado was Michael bell He broke out of jail and went to chase that hot piece of pussy. She was cheating on him. Wow

That's what pussy does to a man and he shot four kids with their own guns, dog then he he tried to uh He cut a deal with the cops and they shot him in the neck And when he went to the hospital to have surgery there was only two doctors that could operate him One guy was out of the country and the guy that could operate him. He shot one of his sons Oh, that afternoon. That's a fucked up story. But I was locked up with that dude But that place was fun That place a lot of sounds like a laugh riot. Oh, I had a great time in there

Seattle jail sucked county jail Seattle that sucked That by that time jails were already That's it. They were on their way out. It was just a bad time. You can't smoke in there The best county jail ever to party and fucking have a good time boulder county jail I had those motherfuckers in the palm of my hand, dog Thanksgiving day, I had the guy left the cell open and I was making long distance calls all day long to new jersey calling my friend Listen, haven't heard from me in a few weeks. I'm locked up Oh my god, you said earlier, you could have gone to like Texas or somewhere

Why would people do that? Well, why wouldn't people do the county jail? Because let's say I go to your lease. I at you got 15 fucking years. You're a fucking animal. You know, you're an animal You killed that fucking kid after school on a drive by you're a fucking animal. Okay 15 fucking years You're gonna do all 15. You're gonna do all 15 fucking years But if you do the time in south Texas, right, we're gonna give you three for one day Oh, shit. Okay. So you got a chance to get out of here, you know, whatever the the fucking math is I'm not good with fucking math five years. Well, I did 15 fucking. Yes, you do five years 10 years

Instead of 15 But you go down there. It's a jungle sometimes it makes you wonder how I keep them going under Broken glass everywhere Anyway, that's the thing. Well, they took you somewhere to Nebraska I was told Because of my rating that I was going to go to rifle, Colorado Which was a party house up there. People were shooting heroin They were eating pizzas. They were fucking in the summer. They get you a job at the pool

In the winter you got a job at the ski resort On the lifts and shit. So it wasn't a bad little camp You could get furloughs and there was a hotel where you went to what did you do at the pool? A little ski outfits with stripes on them Very cute. Broken glass everywhere White lines Do you ever do work release? No, that's what I wanted at first, but the halfway house was sort of like work release. I guess. Yeah

That was a party for me to that's a say that's a shame When I write that chapter the book it's going to be called the real life. How far are you on your book? Um three quarters through the proposal, brother I dedicated myself to one sentence a day And i'm up to a paragraph a day and cleaning up the paragraph in the day before Yes, I've been working on a book. I'm making strides for the last five years I finished the first draft And i'm trying to get it together to make it presentable to um to get it published

It's very hard to write a book about your life when you're talking about weird shit Yeah, well, it's it's you know, it's all my best stories from all over the world, you know Traveling as a comedian almost drowning in thailand getting maced in paris All this wacky when I had the late night talk show in amsterdam. I wrote all about my sitcom experience You know Of lived nine lives. I remember walking into the improv one night Your show had just gotten cancelled. I really never had spoken to you before and I wasn't gonna go up to you and say hello

You were sitting there. You had to look on your face like I don't know what the fuck So I didn't say nothing to you I just always heard you were a good guy. So when I met in seattle the first time Then we got acquainted to size to get in houston But the beautiful mr. Mark babbitt. That's right one of the best times of comedy in my life was houston texas and the fucking but uh Wow 33 fucking years if you think I would Honest to god when I got on stage that first time

If I was ever going to tell you guys I'd be doing comedy for 25 years or for the rest of my life I wouldn't have believed it I would have I mean, I didn't believe it. I did not believe it Um, I I would be happy if I had a heart attack and died on stage. No, no I mean, there's it's a couple comedians have have done it But I mean, I don't ever want to quit. I don't I don't never see myself doing anything else. It's my oxygen You know, I was born to do it. I love it It's my oxygen also

You know what it changed my life. It was like a religion for me. I really bought into it Yeah, you know, I really watched the specials and I took notes. That's how that's how I was Suddenly when you went to the bathroom, that's I studied it like I studied and took notes And I realized what I wanted to do and I spoke to local comics And I saw where their careers had gotten and I could see that I spoke to somebody one day and he broke it down for me because either you want to remove the Safety that you want to keep having the safety that the rest of your life And I'll never forget going home. I gotta tell my fucking wife

I want to do comedy. They almost hate me already. They already hate me. The family's already going on that path You know, and all of a sudden one day I walk in and she goes, I don't want to be married. I only get separated Ding ding and it was amazing. It was like, oh my god, I'm unshackled I'm gonna be able to do fucking comedy. Oh my god. I cannot believe this is happening Oh my fucking god, this is real like I'm like, this is fucking real like that door just opened up, you know Yeah, even even at it's the toughest times is when you're going through some hard shit in your life, you know, like My dad was killed by a drunk driver in 2009. My little sister died of breast cancer in 2011 It was a couple years after that. It was really difficult

Uh, but still looking back on it I don't know what I would have done without comedy the fact that I could go on stage You know, I had so much material to fall back on Um from being doing it for so long, but just to be able to take my my brain and put it on a shelf and do comedy and be cleansed in the laughter of strangers Uh, you know that and forget about my grief for a minute Uh, it was invaluable. I don't know what normal people do when they have problems people who don't have comedy

You know and And now it's great. I I stopped partying Uh, kick the sigs and it's uh, it's like when I started when I was 17 the comedy is the drug again You know, I was uh in an ugly divorce And I went back to colorado and I thought that I could not get together with my wife But figure out a settlement where I could see the child more and You know try to be more responsible and stuff, but at the same time I wanted to do comedy, you know

And one day that didn't seem like it was gonna work And I remember for like a month during the holidays Every time I dropped her off for two minutes my hands would shake I'd cry and then I'd just smoke a joint And then I'd go uh home, you know defeat it like how can I do comedy? And I'll never forget it was like the last week of december Like two nights before new years and it was a wednesday and I said, you know what? Why do I feel this way? Let me go do stand-up and I went and I went to some cheesy bar

And got on stage and I'm like wow I'm on to something not only did I feel better, but I had a great set Because the anger that I had in me. Yeah the fucking pain you can feel when you're going through serious emotional And I was having some great sets with garbage material just ranting and spitting from the mouth and foaming the whole fucking deal And today, you know 20 years after I went to that situation. I don't know how I did it I really used comedy And I did that from january till june of that year every wednesday It was the same routine. I'd pull over cry

Watch them pull away I'd smoke a joint and I'd head up to 36 to the 70 to go do comedy in Denver And the whole way I'd be crying and then smoking and listening to good music and By the time I got on the i-70 I'd be okay and once on the way home. I would go, you know what? I'm gonna fucking make it in comedy and show that you know, that was the attitude back then like at least I got my comedy. I was delivering chinese food And selling coke at the same time You know, oh my god, that was tremendous

I'd make like 60 bucks and like deliver chinese food And I clean up and make like a grandma fucking coke to go home and snort in my little rocky apartment It was maybe a little bigger than this with a refrigerator Stove and I had a bedroom and the whole bedroom was a bed I have like a king-sized bed. That's all that fit in that bedroom. There was no No, no fucking pictures. No murals. Nothing was just a bed. There was no door. You just walked into And you fell right over into the king-sized bed. I never changed the sheet the whole year. I lived there It was just a sheet will come on it and god knows what else toenail juice

crumbs and Cocaine from your nose. It was disgusting. It was a clean apartment. No, I It was a very fucking clean apartment I went to the weed store tonight and they had the cutest little fucking kitten over there. Did you see it? I didn't go over there. Oh my god. It was like a little fucking demmy His little side means and he fucking attacked my hand at him. I'm like you cock suck You know, I went home. He jumped over. He wanted to go home. Let's do a big guy I'll come home where you kept looking at me. Oh, he's like, oh, he's like, I don't know. He's wanting around new

Yeah, he's at the weed. He belongs to the weed store. His name is like brewers. He's fucking gorgeous What's what goes on with that dog? Do you know do they bring that dog home at night? They don't feed that dog. That's like one of those dogs. You see him one of those humane society commercials That dog hasn't eaten in two years. He stays there as the guard. Yeah, he's a guarded now. You break into that weed store You're gonna be missing a fucking arm Jesus Christ, they let him in there. You might break the alarm system the electrical You got to shoot that motherfucker grow a steak and put him to sleep. Well, are you they put him in there at night? No, they leave him outside. No, yeah, they put him in there now. You can't leave him outside. It's a fucking law

Okay, I didn't I don't know Talk to this. I have never I've never investigated the weed store. I remember we had a German shepherd when I was a kid butch And the dog had made the tactical error of thinking our family owned the neighborhood And it would attack people Uh riding their bike in front of our house and one time my brother was wrestling with this kid and

The dog thought the kid was attacking my brother. So the dog like kind of ripped his ear off and They took the dog away and then the dog was Guarded a roller skating rink Like outside like the outer fence perimeter My dad took us to see the dog a couple times. So always think about that They're like a lot of dogs that are out of their minds end up guarding places Well, I see a dog guarding the place. I don't communicate. I don't do nothing That dog's a professional

He's been around the world. He's been beaten. He's known that I'm fired His whole fucking demographic has changed, you know, I'm saying take a human beat him rape him fuck him in the ass Make him drink cum mixed with blood and shit. You try to break those people. You'll never break them By the time they're 19, they're shooting people like fucking taxi drivers. That's what happens to those people That dog doesn't even have hair. They let him on fire in russia They brought him from russia. That's one of trump's buddy's dogs. They have look at have you he's taking to go that weed store On the way out here go straight down the corner and just make the first right hit burbank boulevard See if he's out there. He's a fucking monster

How big is he? He's like probably at least a hundred pound dog 70 to 100 pound dog. I think he's a little bigger I think it's about a buck 40. He's a big fucking creature. He might be You park and he barks at you But you don't want you going in there. He is to me and then a junkyard dog. Oh my god. I hate those fucking dogs I got bit by those motherfuckers. I got bit the face Tom Rhodes, man Keep doing your podcast. That was a good time. I had on your part. Thanks, man. We should we should do it again

Don't take a break. I took a break. I need to get it rolling again Yeah, don't give up with that stuff because people always want to hear from me whether it's good or bad Yeah This is starting that's uh, well, you know what it was, you know Excuse me my thing when I was traveling around the world. I wasn't living anywhere for 10 years So my podcast was You know interviewing, you know people I met around the world and comedian You know friends of mine around the world and stuff and so living in la after a year

It's like I kind of you know, I'd hang out with people. I met some really cool people and uh, you know, it's like I don't know didn't want to um Instead of saying hey, would you do my podcast? I'd rather just like hang out with people and be cool, you know But I need to get over that and just do it. I just do so Yeah, looking great. You scared three years off the booze. I'm two years off the cigarettes and then I um Stop smoking weed at the beginning of the year. No, no, no, no nothing nothing absolutely biscuits. No ups. No downs No, at all. No, you're fucking all vegan totally clean now good for you. God bless you. Yeah, man. I'm uh, you know I'm trying to get some shit done. I'm gonna film my new hour special sometime this year trying to finish this book

Uh, I got a producer interested in this television show idea Um, I'm gonna start pitching that picture couple weeks. The worst I could tell you is no, you bet. You still got your stand up Think about it. Yeah, we always gotta stand. I think I've never been better as a comedian You don't want to see me light my balls on fire on prime time on abc I still got my career doing stand up on the road. I'm having a great time. Yeah, I keep it fresh I don't go out every fucking week that but you know, I'm 50 something. I got eight hats You got eight hats. I thought about you. You told me, uh, you always take the the first flight out. No terrorism I love that

Sure early morning 6 a.m. Bingo bang Orbeez home early before disneyland people. I've been I've been doing that It's a it's a great different experience. It's great. Boom. You if I get you're landing back in LA at like, uh, You know eight in the morning nine in the morning when you were drinking You thought that oh my god, I'll take the four o'clock flight out because you're drinking Oh, that's that's what I thought purposely. I did that for years also. I'm not gonna lie to you I took the latest flight out Get a late check out sleep till two have somebody pick you up. Take it to eat somewhere Talk some shit some other joint and they drop you off at the airport. That's how I was in the old school

But things changed You know what I'm saying things have fucking changed. It's uh Flying has changed. It's a fucking nightmare. What we talking about? Flying's great now for me because I just hit uh diamond level on delta So I'm so I get bumped up the first class all the time And I can use the the first class lounge But it's funny for years

I would like You know you're boarding the plane and you're walking through first class and I remember thinking to myself Who are these fucking rich cocksuckers and why are they there? You realize you don't have to be rich Stick with the same airline learn the flights to the empty like I do that's what I always get upgraded I always get great on america. Delta's not bad to me. They've taken care of me Delta works at you on miles You call them up and say I'm a little light They'll say throw me the small 400 or whatever. Yeah, and we'll put you on that flight. A.m.

They're cool. Delta. Yeah, you can buy miles at the end of the year to reach your next level Yeah, yeah, but also they're the employees are usually in a good mood a lot of these other airlines a Years ago, I would just you know get the cheapest flights and some of these airlines They treat you like an animal just like the Atlanta Falcons. They fall apart from time to They fall apart you get locked down for two fucking days because their computer system goes down And you don't have a fucking backup system. So as a professional I get to the airport You have to have a backup system. So that shied me off of delta for a few weeks But they just got me here 35 minutes early

I was flying that very day last year when their computer system went down the system went down and you're done They gave me 50,000 miles. Yes. They do. Yes. They do. They do take care of you. Apologize for the inconvenience That I will claim for delta if you don't have your luggage in 20 minutes They give you 10,000 miles If there's a problem with the flight the next morning you wake up and there's a fucking email from delta go and listen Thank you for accepting it and not pulling your heads out of your head and telling my staff to go fuck themselves Yeah, look at your account. We threw 10,000 miles and that's a flight to fucking the neighborhood That's the flight that they just fly you around the neighborhood

Then they just drop you off with no fucking parachute for 10,000 miles But those things add up I got enough freaking fire miles on delta to have a helicopter a helicopter on the roof within the hour You in town sunday, man? I am. Yeah. Did you call him for spots at the store? I actually, uh, i'm gonna go see brian reagan on sunday. Damn. Where is he? Sherman oaks, but i'm gonna be a friday and saturday. I'll be at the comedy store You can be there friday saturday. I'm gonna be there sunday for my 20th anniversary. Oh, it's washington's birthday monday Nobody got to work. I'll come by afterwards. Yeah, let's yeah, his show will be early be like eight o'clock

I'll come by after we're gonna give me a spot of 10 30 because we got a babysitter. Oh great. I'll yeah I'll probably be back by then beautiful man and what You're traveling a lot man and I say this shit constantly that He's been doing stand up for 33 years. This guy's made his living Going around the world. There's a problem going on in america That if a comic doesn't have a podcast or doesn't

As on a comedy central constantly people won't go and see him david tell There's another gentleman that has this problem. This guy's a fucking animal. This guy taught half the comics that are out there I still remember watching you on That fucking kamikaze shit on on mtv with a long hair. Yeah, I still remember going to see you in seattle with uh The chick from boston. You did not the improv but the other one when they made a big one night on a friday night Me and josh wolf went up there. This is 1995 cause You don't know fucking just johnny come lately. You had a show on tv So if he's in your area

Go down on a fucking thursday night going out with tom come hang out with me. Can I bring some dates? Yeah What the fuck you think I bring you out here for I love you man, uh, february 23rd to the 25th I'm gonna be at stand-up live in phoenix nice club very nice 600 seats good fucking food at the uh, what's the name of the bar next to it? I don't know. That's my first time playing the copper cat. It's a big copper fucking cattle. I'm plugging you there Yeah, that's a big room. I've never played there before great room great room. We had a good time march 23rd to 26th I'm at side splitters in tampa. There we go. We're talking about size. I'm like a fucking psychic and uh

April 6th through the 9th. I'm gonna be at laughing skull in atlanta. Look at you. Come on in atlanta. That's a nice room You belong in there. It's a great room. Like I said sunday. I'm at the store Tomorrow night the valentine's day is done But next week I'm at the house of comedy in minneapolis. I'm very happy to be going up there in the winter I don't give a fuck people been sending me evil fucking messages and tweets you're an asshole Do the miniapolis in february. That's when the real pimps go with that. That's right Any pussy go to minneapolis in august go sling dick up there mid february and let these motherfuckers know who's running things That's like prince said the bad weather keeps the mean people away. It's fucking right. At least I have what you got going on

My little brother. Oh, hey, and I could use a few extra twitter followers Whatever you need people. This is this is a friend the fucking brother out This is a comic of 20 years that I learned a lot of I opened for him in houston, texas great weekend You learn from what you You don't steal from comedy or comics But you pick up a certain something from each comic you work with on the road You go wow, that's pretty neat that he pauses like that. Maybe I should try for my joke You know, you see these guys that are still around

Support them when they come to you who gives a fuck if they haven't been on america's got talent Or they don't play the fucking harmonic on youtube. This is real fucking comic This is real fucking comic. It's one of these oaky doke motherfuckers. I've been doing comedy for four years He has a cute smile You're paying 48 dollars and the guy makes you giggle two times and you take a picture of them when he comes back You're like i'm not paying the 40 if you pay fucking 12 dollars 15 dollars for tom rhodes. You're robbing fucking comedy You're robbing comedy. So check out tom rhodes. He's a dear friend. He's fucking family with the church, you know He's trying to put fucking things together. He's still ticking. I love you, man

I wish i'm still doing I'll tweet you some of my knowledge nuggets some of the best ones Well, they can't wait they're at home right now jumping up and down tom rhodes gonna send those nuggets and shit Because listen, man, tom rhodes is big over there on the fucking And that's you gotta do you gotta go back over to europe make a big fucking splash and come back here like the stones after fucking Being in france to make That's you you go to france for a couple of years In at the young stage, maybe a terrorist to shoot you jump off the stage and get him in the headlock

It's weird with joey every Sometimes he gives you advice and it sounds like he's trying to get you to move out of the country or like move away Oh, he's an international star. Where the fuck have you been? No, it's funny. Like, uh, you know the fuck have you been? No, man, unless he had a show and fuck we're talking about we're working on our books, you know and I kept a diary when I lived in amsterdam and unlike an frank's diary, there's a lot more drugs and dancing and Shit going on. He's like, uh, matt dillon in that movie from seattle with the rock man. No, I know but Oh my god. What was it called singles singles? He used to always say we're huge in belgium

I'm huge in belgium. Have you ever recorded in belgium? I knew i'm just teaching it though. I played into her a bunch of what he got this week in lisa Drop it on me break my heart. Were you taking mama? No, I had my first zeal massage So we're gonna do that. All right. What else you got crack? I like I love your eyes, man Look at them. Look at that picture. It's a perfect representation Um, and then I don't know yet. We're gonna have to figure that out. We're gonna do valentine's day on saturday Just because it's gonna do the mama. You're gonna give her a little kiss and maybe yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna get flowers. I'm gonna

Maybe we'll make food dinner at home or something But it's it's crazy going out tomorrow night. Also, you gotta get good stuff for your mom's call. Let's call your mom tomorrow That's a really good reminder. Look at lisa. I had a fucking dropping knowledge on the trip. That's a knowledge nugget Lee bad mother fucker. See you didn't think of that one. How good how am I gonna trust you? If he doesn't give me a little nugget for my inner valley hitler and shakespeare and No, no, no, you can't tell these thoughts. You can't set up a revolution. Trump's already doing that shit imagine the the punk rock and the Radical art that's going to be coming out in the next four years. I'm really excited about what's happening

Me too. It's a lot of pissed off people. It's gotta turn into art and comedy, right? It's gotta turn into something something's gonna go deep. But listen Well shit's going deep. You got fucking options and your options are CISO. Okay, that's that's a beauty of it. CISO has really changed my fucking life and made me look different yet At streaming and and live comedy and whatnot and the tv shows I mean, uh, I love that they have my special on there lorry kill martin doug stanhope I mean, there's so many others gene garofalo special on there They're really going for the comedy angle of it

So stop setting for open mic comedy when the legends are all on your fingertips CISO puts you on the guest list for the exclusive comedy shows from legendary comics And today's top talent with new exclusive specials from nick depolo and Myself myself doug stanhope and the new special from nick depolo who was on rogan yesterday You don't have to stand in line and shut out 30 bucks at your local comedy club to see these comics CISO has exclusive specials from them and many more you can enjoy from your couch On your favorite tv with nachos and basically a salad So your new year's resolution is basically kept attention comedy nerds

Come to the magical place called CISO where new stand-up comedy specials debut Every month you like to laugh you like to chuckle Shortle cackle guffle snickle. Well, CISO's countless hours Of streaming stand-up television original content is sure to offer something for you. What are your favorite shows on their league? I like bajillion dollar properties. That one's very good. I like watching snl I turned down to that one. I told you I like I watched parks in rach So I like all those shows they have CISO's great. Did I see on the paper it said they show the late night shows the next day?

Yes, yeah, the late night shows the next day. This is great. They're really going for it. I'm proud to be a part of them So here goes just go to ciso.com right now And sign up for one month free with promo code Joey a checkout ready for this CISO is just three nine nine a month No joke three nine nine a month for all the comedy you want anytime anywhere And it's gratis free But go to ciso.com right now

Sign up for one free month with promo code Joey at checkout This is the best oil for ciso has going on right now One month or three of laughing your ass off comedy at ciso just by using promo code Joey j o e y For you motherfuckers that never got out of fucking kindergarten. That's ciso.com spelled s e e s o D o t com bam promo code Joey bitches Go to ciso.com right now promo code Joey no ads no joke

Just straight up grant gangster comedy and One of my fucking favorites. You know what you made me very proud of you tonight Because you actually use the service we fucking love we love it. Lee loves it. I love it I've been used them to the airport, but let me explain playing come to you. They picked me up in my house They were very courteous They didn't give me no drama He charged me something. I didn't even look at what he charged me. I gave him a fucking 20 or 30 Taking out my luggage. He was a gentleman

And I had a great time about it. Lee always takes lift. I take lift everywhere I'm taking it home tonight. Can I say something great about lift in the middle of this lift? I take lift to the airport from where I live in LA It averages about like 25 bucks 10 years ago I lived in korea town and I used to have to take a taxi and it would cost like 70 60 or 70 bucks 10 years later It's cheaper and the people are courteous. They're nice people to Fucking lift is the greatest thing ever to happen to humanity ever

So if you're in between jobs and looking to earn extra dough If you're looking to put money in your kids college fund You're looking to go back to school and getting getting another degree or just your first one Whether you want to write your next great novel whatever you want to do Finance your dream drive with lift. It's the writing share app that lets you be your own boss Pick your own hours and earn up to 1,500 bucks a week driving your own car. Who's better than you? There's other ride sharing apps out there, but lift creeds that drive is right It's a flexible way

To make easy money lift drivers can make up to 35 hours an hour Getting started is just a tap away. You can drive mornings nights weekends Just flip it to driver mode ping-pang boom start making geaters plus lift drivers can earn tips right through the app Those tips they add up fast and you don't have to wait days to get paid and fill out Listen, you can cash out instantly once you're made $50. Thanks to express pay. All right Driving with lift is super flexible Allows you to keep 100% of your tips and it's always there when you need some extra change Let me do your favor sign up today right now at lift.com. Why are you sitting there broke?

You got a new car. You need to make payments. Come on. Go out there and justify your existence Go today to lift.com slash joey joey y and right now lift is a special offer For you beautiful people who are trying to put it together You'll get a $500 new driver bonus after you complete 100 rides within 30 days Go to lift.com slash joey today and you can start making extra geaters and get your $500 new driver bonus. All right Limited time only restrictions apply. Go to lift.com slash joey. I want to thank lift I want to thank siso and I want to thank my main man Fucking always great to see you. You're one of the legends of comedy and I wish you nothing but the best lee likes you

He even said i'm happy. It's tom road. So Thank you very much. I love you joey. It's always great to talk to you man lee. Thanks for the love buddy Oh, I love you tom. I use this thing on it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah never forget my main motherfuckers Shroom tech sport. You're a fat fuck like me. I use a cap so I go to jujitsu not like i'm killing motherfuckers But I always last an extra minute every fucking time I go to jujitsu go to honor.com right now I can't hook you up with the weights, but the supplements I'll get you 10 percent off go to honor.com and press in Church boom chur ch get the 10 percent off Delivered right to the cause of fucking folly. All right

Anything else you want to add my brother? No, that's it man. I love you my brother. I love you too. Lisa. Yeah, stay black Fucking great week. I'll be with you motherfuckers in a couple days Love you this is from my man. Danny brown and shit dropping some knowledge play that fucking goat league Oh My theory is slow So Now get away to escape I smoke this Get away. Get away. I think I need the break

Please One stop with that I don't know what Swap, swap, swap, swap, swap