Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #460 - Tait Fletcher

Episode Date: March 2, 2017

Tait Fletcher, an Actor and BJJ black belt seen in: "The Accountant," "Breaking Bad," and 'John Wick,'" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.    This podcast is brought to you by:   Zeel - Get the best massage of your life, in your home. Get $25 off of your first massage when you go to Zeel.com/church or use promo code church on the zeel app.    Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 03/01/2017.

I'm about to go through changes, but I'm doing all right. Is it because you ate something? I don't know. We'll find a look at eating smoking two chocolates and we got some liquid acid on the sugar cubes He might have to eat later. That's awesome. Look at this shit We got the box of sugar cubes Fucking since I was a kid you did something or it was like transdermal. Yeah, and you put it on your skin That's to say all this shit is like fucking cutting-edge now these young kids This shit's fucking crazy. They brought it to a show. This guy comes to my shows every 90 days before. Yeah Yeah, he brings me chocolate covered mushrooms with THC chocolate. He grinds down the mushrooms

I don't know where I like I can't talk about this online Joey this lady get him in control this guy grinds up the mushrooms Gets the chocolate puts a THC in it and it's like a chocolate mushroom No, no, no, no, these young college kids now they're about to change the fucking world Did you have a sugar cube Lee not tonight? Not tonight. I've had about what for sure. Yeah, we got a couple You know what I always thought was the bummer about acid was that you like if I if I'm planning a weekend say and I go well Friday night's coming

I'd like to get high on acid and but then also Saturday is right behind it And I want to get high on acid you got to take a half a hit like a blotter acid And then you got to take a hit or a hit and a half just to get off on it and It's never as good. You feel dopey with it, right? I got blotter too. Joey's never taken Stud this fucking thing we got everything that we can even put a drop on the blotter That's where we double up. That's so now you do any of the micro dosing like Duncan. I can't find it Well, he says he says like if you got that and say it's a hundred CC's a hundred milligrams, right? He says so then you cut it in force

You take a quarter hit every day or something like that And so like that's how you you want to know how much your acid is dosed but like and then you get I don't know Yeah, everybody's talking about all that kind of thing. I think it's a little bit less than a quarter I think it's like supposed to be like almost nothing It depends on your shit, but like 12 and a half milligrams to 20 no more than 25 milligrams Tate We had like what 500 tonight something like that. We don't have five We do we go deep Tate. We went like no, no, no, I mean of acid of acid. Yes. He sees his shit Please tells me when he gives him to me. Please already lost. Oh, yeah, he sees going through chains

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Slash church, I might need one of those you do come by the house. I got an extra one for you. Awesome Here we go cocksuckers crank that reporter we can where's Trump Oh Wednesday March 1st Here we go cocksuckers get those fucking cockroach killers on the Puerto Ricans are coming. Oh shit Oh Church of what's happening now my man Tate Fletcher my little Jewish goomba Lisa And your uncle Joey bitches

Little old-school Puerto Rican music from the Harlem sphere Here we go Oh What's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle Joey here on a ho-hum Wednesday night Thursday morning Welcoming you to podcastville my main man Tate and little Lee over there fucking going through changes already and shit The little hasn't even kicked in yet. There's La Luna's getting me. Yeah, you can tell a little let's get you cuz you don't need them at the You know this motherfucker Train on the weekends

Eat these edibles on the weekends and you would come on the show and we go deep. You don't get fucked up So he goes online. I could see him that he's eating the chocolates, but he's not making faces When he eats chocolate, he don't like chocolate So if he eats chocolate, he'll make a face in the THC it'll start when he's at home He eats a truck I watch my Periscope when he's joking around I'm like something ain't right No, I know I was looking at him the other day and what he does is he gets a Hershey bar and he cuts it down the middle He opens the bag. It's reclose. I'm gonna see you for slander And he puts it in there and then he eats it in front of these young kids and they're like, oh

Well, he's going there. You ain't going deep He eats three stars and gives his girlfriend three star how dare you and then that's the end of the fucking night And he tells everybody's eating twelve fifteen hundred ain't doing that He's eating three hundred and two Hershey bars. First of all, I'm gonna have to start doing it at the dispensary to clear my name I go in there. I haven't not once Pulled the fast one that that's that's that's your level. That's what you were saying earlier with the with the labels That is I'm saying I started it. I'm not mad at you for doing it. I'm just saying that I would never do that That's sick before you I heard you we eat the first piece of chocolate you're gagging

It's kind of like saying you're a Navy seal if you're not a Navy seal What do you mean saying that you're eating that much, but you're not really that's yeah, he's lucky then he comes out Is that the problem? That's yeah, he comes here on Mondays. I give him chocolate. He breaks a party sweat and he's turning red So he's doing something funny at home with the chocolate might not be Hershey's what's going on at the chocolate alone Nothing's going with it. I would adhere if you guys watch the periscopes Joey if I get like 26 seconds to eat the edibles because I don't know if Joey chews them He just is able to swallow them whole I can't do that. I have to chew if you watch on the periscope I don't let it touch my tongue because I hate the taste so I chew it and I keep it and I do it real slow

It takes about two minutes and I do it fine But here that's why I puked that one time because you're just like swallow it And I tried to swallow an entire chocolate bar like all chewed up in my mouth and I puked We got to watch it from now the periscope from now you gotta show the brand I always show the brand I'm sure if you we look at the old ones. I'm gonna see Hershey's kisses It's like when you cheek one of your pills when you're in the psych ward. I I have no experience with that I'm sure I would Jesus Christ

He used to take with labels and switch them on me and then and then not even that if you I'm the chiba-choos Not even just the labels. I'm sure I asked him every time He I'm sure you just made it up. He at a certain point. He just stopped telling me he'd be like what it has Don't don't worry about that. He like he would just start lying event Well, he wouldn't even lie at the end. He would just say they used to give they used to have two types of stuff They used to have these one and I can't remember now because it's been like a year One time I had Ari coming on and right Ari intelligent Israel the whole thing. He's Intelligent Israel. Yeah, the whole thing, you know, I'm gonna be watching you. I don't trust you

So I went over to the store And what I did was they had regular chocolate regular stars for like 125 milligrams But they had rock candy That was the same company, but only 25 milligrams So I took the rock candy out of the rock candy bag and put the stars in there So even after Ari came to me and said, let me look at it and he read it and I'm like he's gonna catch That's hard rock candy. He didn't catch it. He goes, okay, I'll eat when they're only he got so fixated on the milligrams That's all he saw. So then I took him deep him. That's why you're a wizard

You're like a warlock. I used to give him 180 milligram chibichus But I take the label and put 70 on it and just give him half So he thought he was eating 35, but he was really 90. Why fuck with that? You know I know Lee if he says I keep eating he's gonna get nervous on the milligram Because he's got his head tripping up people getting yes so you use your warlock skills to do like You do like situational blindness on people sure so you can help them sure You're welcome. I appreciate now. I can do 1,500. I have never once stolen valor like that like that those terrible people

That's what it's called. Have you ever had that at your jujitsu school? What's that like someone coming in pretending to be a black belt? No, it's a hundred percent solvable in about 30 seconds Right. I've seen videos of it. It's great. You just know. I mean, it's like there's no lies on the mat It's what it is. Why would somebody come in and do something? It's weird people misguided They don't know anything. There's a guy I was training with this morning and he was he was Just drop in wanting to be around certain guys or that whatever and he I was like, oh, this is how the oh, and I weren't a guy like I had a guy on and you know a long time and so I just got a guy on in my my Hawaiian boar shorts and

And no bell. He saw whatever and and I said, oh sure. I'll drill with you and I was like, well this I want you to tuck your knee up in here. No, no Yeah, I got and he's on of those. I got it guys and you can tell when you feel with somebody that you go Oh, they don't have any experience, you know, they're and which isn't a bad thing. It's just what it is But the bad thing is when I'm so fucked up that I got to pretend like I have some experience You know, you can pretend you're a kickboxer Maybe you're great on mitts or whatever, but you don't know what it's like to be in a scrap And that's cool to whatever whatever but like you can't hide from to jitsu, you know

I mean, it's like cuz you're gonna get strangled or people will know and I don't know what I don't know in this day and age What it is that makes people go? Yeah, I'm gonna pretend some shit. There's some guys at ease. There's a dude that pretended He was a yes purple belt or something before he was or something like that, right? And he never even gotten a blue or something like that But you know the kid had an aptitude. He was good. He'd stuck with it But he just wanted to be better than he was which I always thought was a little silly about like why you chasing about what? Why aren't you just here in the art of it? Like who give a fuck what belt that is? Yeah, I don't care at all

Like I don't know. It's it's a trip, you know to have that as the goal as opposed to I want to be healthy I want to be able to defend myself. I want to be able to move around. I want to be able to be with my pals every day And to need a like that kind of reinforcement like I need to have being the rankings is it kind of feels like You're fucking six. Yeah, it feels like you're a little kid. You're trying to train at that Stunt play yeah, yeah down at 87. I remember is this down in Inglewood and he who has they have like a lot Now they shoot movies there and stuff or shoot like pre-vis is and What is it John Wick people? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they do the they done all the really big action movies like they do a lot of a lot of the

Action choreography for that shoot pre-vis is all the gun work and stuff for John Wick Deadpool like all that type shit I heard John Wick was and the second one too was just amazing. I heard it like phenomenal I heard Keanu is great like I because I've seen some of the trailers You know the difference Lee is that you see a guy like who's the guy that's a hundred and six years old That was fighting wolves and then his daughter got kidnapped Liam needs to be taken. Yeah, and so you see a simple Jump over the fence Lee Liam and it's like his feet his head his waist the fence that and it's a hundred different

Little video montages to make it appear as if a 75 year old man is actually getting over a 12-foot fence It's not happening. But with Keanu Keanu moves like that like he's an athlete and And that's a lot of the reason why that looks so good in there I mean, they're the best choreographers too. They're fantastic, man And they got great stuntmen that are in all those like just legends and and and beautiful performers Top-to-bottom like those guys like but that's that's the difference I think is like you got a guy that can actually do the bit You know, you get a cringe Sam's worth or a or a Keanu Reeves or something like that that connect Tom Cruise

He does all his own shit. It looks great. It looks great fucking. What's that movie that with Jamie Foxx? Oh the driving one the taxi one. He was very good. Dude. He was like this times I watched those movies like a dog. You know what say what you want to say about Tom Cruise He's great. He was I just watched Jack preacher on the flight and was an Academy Award winner, but I love it entertaining I love him to death. So I watch him Well, it was a sci-fi one where he like kept having the same day over and over again Vanilla vanilla sky. No, no, no, that was a good movie. It wasn't that one about the one where they looked into his mind about the cops Oh, yeah

Minority report. Yeah, that was great. That's where we're almost living a couple more weeks. We'll be right there. I Wouldn't doubt it. Yeah, I get to have you ever thought about like I do you want to Expand in acting because you've done all these roles with so many amazing actors I can imagine like you you must have learned so much from all the Movies now, I don't know like 30 or 40 or something. I was gonna say no, I just want to stay there I was gonna give a Eddie Bravo answer. No, like he loves to live for all people who live to live for more in Eddie But yeah, of course man, of course Have you like how much I take classes and I do all that and I work out for a lot of things

I'm in a thing me and Danny Trejo got a little piece this weekend coming up and then Ross and Thurber Marshalls a dude that did a Movie we We were the millers Yeah, yeah something like that, right and he'd met me on that before and then he then that was a long time ago and He so I got a little thing on his next piece coming up here And so it's I think it's just a lot of word-of-mouth it takes time for that and also I came in as a stuntman But I look like this and so I'm not like a nondescript guy

So it's hard for guys to place me in places So then I had to get good at acting because then you're gonna be in roles and you're gonna have facial expressions and that and and all the you know all the That takes training and so I kind of took to that training like I took to it with the jujitsu or with fights also, you know and I think that it's Maybe it's the thing that happens Lee, I hope so, you know, I'd love to be like somebody's asking Well, what are your goals with it? I'm like, well, I'd like to be on a billboard I'd like to be on the on the poster and have my name be one of the four names that's there

You know and like I'd like to do all that like that's where I really wanted to go And there's no word that I have more fun is is a lot like fighting when somebody else action I think and that's the other reason like, you know, I want to spread into it so much that I'm gonna do it to however, I have to Which also is like I wanted to go into stand-up because that's the way you can kind of force the hand and I think you get to dictate the role and you get to perform Whenever you want in a way and I think it's terrifying. I think it's as scary as Going into being a fighter in the octagon or anything else to get on stage

I see guys that do Stand up and I see guys that are open micers and it fascinates me with the kind of amount of courage that it takes To really bury yourself and I think you have to do it With a huge risk you have to be super real because if you're not super real Those are guys being around the comedy store for all this time I look at guys that have done the same stick for forever and they've never really risked and they're in the same place They were 10 15 years ago And then you see guys at risk and you go fuck man there and those guys are all making a million dollars

Just telling jokes, you know and so I don't know. I really like those aspects of it I'm gonna try to do that if you can help me I would like that I wish I could if I could help you probably wouldn't be here But it was like you're great in all the movies that you're in but do you think it would be nice to say Do you think it'd be different? Do you think it'd be harder if like you had just maybe got not a starring role But like a bigger role in a in a in a movie and you had no experience. I think you'd be worse Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. No, yeah, that's I you know

It's like that thing that they say, you know God gives you only what you can handle or something like that like there's all these sayings that are kind of like that And I think it's I think it's like that you think I think you know Eddie taught me a lot about like being on on a vibe with the universe in a way and like and I think about that a lot and I meditate on that kind of stuff And I you know, I try to elevate, you know people somebody said well, what's your mission statement? You do all this different shit that you got out, you know, you get in money six different ways or whatever and And I said well

I want to elevate myself to be the best representation to take Fletcher that I can be so I can be the most useful to the people like My family friends and community around me wherever I am and especially now more than ever was so much darkness in the external world That I want the parts that I can make better. I want to be able to do that and and so anyway That's kind of yeah, I don't know. I think and I think also don't stand up You know, you watch it save people's lives a lot of people and Have you done it yet? No motherfucker. I'm sorry Nervous as shit about it. Really? Yeah Bobby Lee says I'll have you up the improv on for five minutes and get ready in a month or whatever

And I was like fuck I was hanging out with you guys for a long time and you talk about you get soon and used to drive me crazy Those road trips with six people in the van. I want to shoot myself And I liked you with all my heart and I liked when Duncan was there But red band at that time was still under the impression, you know, yeah, the one that I gave him blowing ratted me out I mean, it was just it was just a world that I had never been involved in yeah But you guys kept talking about jujitsu and I would go to Eddie's and watch and I'm like, oh, I'm not doing that you know, I'm not doing that and Then I started watching it and I became a fan of watching just regular jujitsu online Marcello Garcia

Lucas Laches like I would just watch this shit Not when I was coked up when I was smoking weed after that he is later And it took me two years to actually walk into a jujitsu school. It took me two years to Break down how I was gonna do this without nobody finding out if I fail Hmm. Okay, that was the plan how I could do jujitsu Without it getting back to Eddie or any of my friends that I even want in there just in case I don't like it You know weird how that's like a thing What a fucking shame it was for me to go down there

And I probably went down there for three months before I ever said anything to anybody Yeah, and I told daddy and he you know, he was kind of weird. He goes. What do you mean? I go? I've been going over that ski and I talked to Matt Saturday goes the first 90 days. You want to be in a G I was completely lost, you know when I got out of The prison in Colorado I Could lie to you and tell you no I had My mind was on how I was gonna do the next line, you know, I'm sorry, but 3% in that I was curious about stand-up

Hmm, I was curious about going back to school and finishing up my nine credits and getting a degree I had a job already, but something that was lurking inside of me So I got released in February of 89 okay, February of 89 Anybody got a pen There February of 89 and this is why I do this So just to show tape. I got out of jail February of 89 In January of

90 I thought about it And I scratched it off like ah and then in January of 91 It was snowing so I had to stay home and the movie And the movie punchline came on With Tom Hanks and Sally fields. Yeah, you were watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah And that sent me into a tizzy and I actually called the comedy works And they said come on down on a Tuesday and that took another month or two

What do you say like I want to be a comic I like to know if you have an open mic And they said yeah, we have one every Tuesday night. Just call the Tuesday before and we'll put you on the list for the Fine, that's a hard phone call me and you get three minutes. Okay, but from that phone call of January of 91 Do you think I actually went down there? No Why would I but then one day I went to get breakfast and in April of 91 I Saw an ad a whole section Roseanne had just busted out of out of Denver. She had just broken up Denver comedy was booming. Nobody knew where to go. It was only four clubs in the whole state and They did an article like in the Rocky Mountain News in the middle like I was I wouldn't walk into a diner and did this

Just to see the sports section and I ended right in the middle and it was do you want to be a stand-up comic? And it had how to become and had a course for 31 dollars at the University of Colorado And it started like a week later. Did you go fuck? Yeah for $33 fuck. Yeah, I wouldn't fuck Joey What'd they show you just three weeks three weeks of and they say right here's Pick an idea that pops in your head. Yeah, thanks around it. That's funny to you But my point being that after that the guy said because the final class you had to do three minutes on stage Right and as I was walking I think I was coming for a second. He goes you should try this You should really maybe try it. You had something up there and you're like 30 years old 35 31 32

Yeah, I'm an estimator for a roofing company really unhappy marriage. That's really Rick Kearns About a month later that really unhappy marriage really undecisive snorting here and there hidden by this time It's better to want than to have my mother had died I always craved an American family and I finally meet a white chick and they have a family and I'd like going up there and they sat like white people and had dinners and they prayed and it was shocking to me You know this education night. He was a retired colonel

lieutenant colonel from the Air Force and I Don't know. I just it was better to want than to have at that point and I acted like an asshole. We just broke up one day, but finally June It's either 18th or 21st is when I went on stage So it basically me took me to when I'm hammering fucking blows me away So it took me doing either 18th or 21st time on 1991. Oh, yeah, we could mother shit forever So, you know, I want to explain that to you that fear is a motherfucker. Yeah, and then if we go back to Monday's podcast

It's not really fear. It's called resistance, right? It's called resistance for years I was trying to write a book I'd pop up to the book Lit lift, but I also have Twitter Facebook You know and and I'll send you on Twitter and somebody sends you a picture They're pussy and you need to jerk off first before you write then you need to smoke Then you need to get some nicotine by your sandwich, and you know what? Let me call Tate now and see what he's doing next month for lunch. It's resistance. It's the same thing But with your case, this is a realm that you've been around for over 10 years

So I think it should just be comfortable to you. I think that you should go to a Bar open mic, and I think you should open up your calendar tomorrow And maybe go to flappers and not say nothing to nobody or I Definitely not everybody's like well, I want to be there when I go to that's gonna happen I just want you to do it do it for yourself The best feeling I have in my life every day is obvious when I kiss my daughter and the feeling I have when I'm at home When I walk out of jujitsu For me for you it might just be a walk in the park and just something you do

When I walk into jujitsu first of all when I walk into jujitsu I normally go in and tap out 18 fucking times. I'm gonna have to stop to breathe But I'm gonna sweat. I'm gonna mount. I'm gonna pass guards. I'm gonna get my neck choked I think that's the resistance in a good way Resistant death and gravity and everything else like that's what that kind of that is, you know But yeah, I pulled up to our brothers two times and pulled away the way Yeah, you know, I can't lie nobody here the same thing. So I get the fear I get it But I don't at this point because the best I feel is when I walk out of jujitsu because I dare motherfucking come in front of me

I wish I could go from jujitsu to a stand-up stage. It would be not very good for people It would not be last night. You were a fucking monster. I couldn't imagine you bringing more energy to that Yeah, no, I walk out of that jujitsu with that with that last taste of testosterone running through your body And you'll say shit a little worse than what you're saying. It's a little bit more honest massive a fuck Like the filters are off. Yeah, I know you can't take like a seven o'clock class right now But like if you had like a mat in the back in a shower Would that be like the best like roll for like an hour take a shower change go on stage? Oh my god

I would they couldn't stop me on stage I would be so fired up Like and for me my excitement like I never did any of this. So like today I rolled We there's too many people to roll. So all we did was break and pass guards, right? I think I did six of them and I passed one purple belts guard I got in that car like I had won a golden medal. Yeah, those victories are huge

Do you understand me? So for me, yeah If if every time I wrestle with Tate if he gets me the spotty spider guard But for some reason I wrestled this time this eighth time I went with Tate and he didn't get me in the spider guard and he got me the half guard I won in my mind. He didn't get me. I kept my elbows close to my body Every time he tried to trick me whatever I kept him close all that stuff to me is a win Where most people wouldn't look at it as a win. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, this time The first couple years I went the first year. Just so I went I would only roll one time five minutes at the end of class

I didn't have the energy right, but I would go today. I went 128 tomorrow. I'm gonna go 131 and I would let take it on top of me and I would cry And I'd be down there breathing fucking thinking the world was gonna add anxiety It feels like that that's coming in on you. Who the fuck should I want to come back to that the next day? Yeah, I remember walking and then leaving like a will in my car If I die take the car there fucking my wife because I thought I was gonna die in these classes That's how rough it was for me. That's what I think about when I hashtag seek death and like like We talk on my podcast like Keith and I about about that about being in those moments

Where you you're there to give you all you're there to tempt death. You're there to push up against it And and when you do there's a great fucking release that opens like your chest opens in a different way And cracks the light of god and spirit through the whole universe that vibrates and you're involved in the moment Like that is In more in mortalizing really I think and I don't think that if you go and you half step and don't commit to those It's like watching you on stage last night If you would have been like On a fucking tear I'm going these fucking Chinese people like and and go and gone these fucking

Chinese people like and let it drop that you just lost everybody You just lost everything but you need but and that and that's that thing that being fully committed, man That I didn't have that piece in life for a long time, but man is that fucking a huge investment you making yourself And you know for years Joe Diaz would have gone in there last night looked around the room Saw one person with white hair and go I can't do that right. Oh, yeah Little things would throw you off your fucking plan

Like when I hear about fight plans in the MMA Right, hey, we went over this 80 fucking times Stay away from his fucking left. You went into his fucking left. You know The same thing happens on stage sometimes you you fall into ruts where you don't like and I would get discouraged by psychological things There's six old women in the front seat that goes my pussy like some OCD shit. Yeah, like I can't do that material I can't do that material now. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, if you come into a comedy club You got to go I'm going to accept whatever whatever and I'm going to stick to this joke if that joke

has to say something off color and it's up Towards a particular race and there's six of those motherfuckers in the front row You're going to go up there because it's not what you say. It's how you say sure These are the things you learn the thing about stand-up the first three or four times And I've had this conversation a thousand times with people different people wanting to get on stages I want you just to do it and get it over with and it sounds so Huge, but it's so mighty. Do you think you've been writing anything out or preparing anything or just go walk on stage and burn onto the lights

I'd rather you go up there and burn on the lights. I'd rather you go up there and tell your name like you did in school Yeah, what would you bring us today? Uh tape today? I brought you a truck. It's a hot wheels My uncle worked hard to get it for me. I used to have a purple one, but my dog squad ate it now. I have this one Thank you. Thank you and you you got it over with Now, you know what feelings you're going to expect now You know what type of emotions you're going to go through now. You're going to know You know what Joey told me not to look at their faces. Don't look at that fucking faces I've been doing it 25 years. You see me looking at people fucking faces. I heard the first 10 minutes

Was it mitch headberg that turned around and faced the curtain? Yeah, man like that's fucking phenomenal just because he wasn't feeling and he was experienced He just wasn't feeling it that day. He's like, I can't do this. I'm just going to tell my cloaks to the to the blank wall That's crazy, but it's a craziness man It's an interesting thing to be around too because it's all these such unique beautiful representations of humanity all parts in between and It's amazing what what comes down to the story. You know when you see all the that is like a little universe I gotta tell you something, you know

Joe Rogan goes out some some warm tan some fucked up tangents and One thing he's always said he says I always felt there was a certain light that Shown on that to attract all those people to that place. Huh? It's something weird about that place that has So many different people all the people who walked in that stage, you know from prior to Tom pop or the kinnison kinnison to just but it's not that like it's just hanging out there Yeah, it's like going to it's like being a musician and going to the rock not the rock See the one down the corner from the store whiskey or not the whiskey the one there's a key. Let me use to hang out uh, oh

Well, let me use to hang out and people go in then you go in there. There's heavy metal guys in there You know, if you're gonna play music, that's where your ultimate place is to go is to go there and See what it's also like a rainbow the rainbow. It's like a university Like because you go in there and you get you see Duncan answering the phones and then you see him graduate onto You know doing what he's doing that or whatever and like you I've seen that with a bunch of different doc Fucking doc that was parking like and he's blowing up now. He's doing great And that's all he's doing telling jokes because he quit. Yeah because he quickly took away the safety net Yep, stand up is a very weird animal

But it's no different than any other art you're ever going to do. It's just doing it Getting it over with analyzing it which you'll do perfectly after the first time And then you'll be more prepared the second time Then you'll be more prepared the third time and the good thing about you is stand up is going to be for you How jiu-jitsu is for me You don't right now. You're not really playing. I'm going on the road. You have a lot of shit happens Like you're on tour for two months and right now So right now you're going to focus on two ten minute sets as as as you know and again

Time nobody knows time to your on stage Right. Yeah, three minutes is a fucking eternity. That's what I say to dudes about work about training like we do We do training sessions. I'm like, listen If you don't understand how long five seconds can be of suffering like there's five seconds left on clock And you got to keep moving the coach is yelling at you and there's a dummy underneath your elbow and a knee and or whatever Like then you haven't worked hard Like when you know that like what seems like a short amount of time is fucking eternity in there And you're burning through it and it hurts every moment like all the seconds are broken into a hundred parts

Fuck that's different, man What about when you got a ten minute set that you got to do because you go blank and you're under the light You're getting money for rent. Oh, that was too much and at the two minute mark you're dying You're dying you can't get them back Your experience can never get them back at this point because that's all experience is is losing them And getting them back losing and getting them back. You know what? I've seen people go up there and say horrible things And then switch it up And you know this shows I do but i'm a magician

Because I'll go to a sit like last weekend. I went to uh, Minnesota, Minnesota house of county great club, but you know what man? Right now at this point. I just shot a special And the last two months has been deadly on the writing not good. I'm trying to write a book So the writing i'm doing for comedy is right Like it's just not getting together, but I got a couple bright spots You know what i'm saying like there's a couple little things that once I put four it took a constellation I'm building a constellation now. I need to get eight stars right now. I got one if I could get two more

That's 20 minutes now the last 20 will come like nothing But the first 20 to tighten them up And to go from my daughter to the immigration bill to this to that That's the groove that i'm working on right now. I love that immigration piece. I know it's a little pussy hair away But i'm going through a slump. So what are you doing? There's a slump. You stop playing tape Because you got submitted 10 days in the row. You don't gonna either you're gonna come back now No, this is when you come back because by the 18th day, that's what it's all gonna come to you So we'll ask and I think that's what commitment is that's a commitment because because you don't give a fuck

Like at the thing like when you when I feel like I plateaued And I'm like why does I just keep coming? Because there's nothing else This is the thing that I do Like and when that becomes the thing that you do like it doesn't matter how how you know I was tripping out about baseball players the other day a friend of mine He's like, you know, if you want to be in the hall of fame You need to hit 30 of the balls. That's failure everywhere in life

If you make a 30 on a test you fucking you're you wrote your name. You're returning the baseball hall of fame But like if you hit three out of ten balls or four out of ten balls No one hits four out of ten. No one has ever hit four like ten. Williams was the last guy to hit 400 So imagine that bro, you get no, that's amazingly you you get up on the plate And imagine you need one joke to go momentum into the next joke Imagine if you're gonna suck dicks every fucking time or Seven or eight out of ten times But you get up with the same kind of power and panache that can hit a home run every time

That's a mental discipline I mean, I'm sure there's some of those baseball players that just throw it away But the guys that are good that pay attention that try on every shot to me. That's phenomenal, man It hasn't been done since uh, Ted Williams did it I I don't even know what year it was. Let's see crazy. Yeah, that's and so that's a trip to me like that to To mark my reinforcement by going like when you're saying about the stars and you're like The and then the last 20 will come easy to not dread it because I think there's something about the way I feel about the thing that I do

Going into it. It's like I can't dread it I've got like or I can and it gets done But it's way more arduous than it needs to be if I'm just excited and You know, let me break it down to jujitsu terms. What if what if Your father was a black belt in jujitsu And every day from the age of five To the age of 12

He fucked around when you were to come on You could bang a camorro with two fingers What we need to do is grab the guy's wrist and exactly your arm knows how to do it. Yeah, but guess what? You got to pass my guard to get my camorro, right? You have no experience in passing my guard. That's what I got to do now Right now I have the bits in the beginning Now I have to figure out the pass And how they all mix together. So you're going to teach me the The one step behind to break the pass and then I'm going to try to get the two under hooks and put pressure on them

And grab this thing and pull myself in you're going to teach me all the paths Right now I got the The things I just don't have to pass right that's going to take another month or so It's cool It's cool that you've done it enough that you know how much time it takes. That's for a month. Let me tell you something January and december in my mind were brutal. Is that right? I didn't want to get on stage now. Were you going up just as regularly as always? Yeah, always if I'm out of town if I go out of town

I do five sets out of town and one on tuesday There's a comedy joint right up the road here, right? Yeah flappers No, there's the ha ha right down the corner and there's another one with a big marquee outside. Yeah flappers Is that what it is? Yeah, there's two. The one is closed down. You drove past two of them Maybe yeah, but one of them is closed down on length. There's a shaky shaky town The ha ha. Yeah, shaky is on the other side. Yeah, so if we get out of here, we can go and we'll put you up tonight 10 30 Because that's the only way to do it bust. You're not I can't have no, no, I'm not busting enough

No, but to go out there and just break. I rather I rather drop it on you at seven Yeah, I drop it on you on eight in the morning. I don't want you in that all day I'm gonna get out of this. I can't call joey Oh, I know joey 15 years. I'm gonna get out. I might get a flat tire on the way Yeah, I might even stage an accident. I mean, that's how bad if bucked again But that's why I would drop it on you like seven like what are you doing today? Yeah, no pick me up Let's go to dinner on the way after dinner take let's stop at the sportsman's lounge

There's an open mic and I just throw you know, it's like when you fall it takes you swimming out of my six Don't you know how to swim? Let me hold on. Boom. They throw you in you flap around it takes you out That's it. Now you leave they're going Joey, I can't believe I got out of these You're a fucking scumbag. You'll probably even punch me and be mad. I still shake everyone. He did it. He did it He did it. He did it. Really? Yeah, I did like three or four times. I think yeah for my special They brought they brought them up. They made them go up. Yeah, I didn't I didn't plan that's honest I didn't think you're gonna pull the cd, but you can't think about it. Right

You know, I was telling Lee when I was a sports salesman that I would always kick on saturdays in the sports Selling business. I was always number one on the board. What do you think? I did an eight ball on friday night. I went to work unconscious. Yeah, so I went back to basics You know, that's the best coaches like you look at how greg jackson coaches guys you see a lot of guys They're like, I want to see that Four-punch combination or whatever and they it's too much greg's just there. Okay. I need you to breathe I need to breathe. Okay. Let's try to count 12 jabs out in the next round and that it'll be just that it'll be just simple nothing

But it's like because the truth is if i'm trying to work this four punch cut whatever the thing is I'm too late. Anyway, I gotta rely just on my fucking charisma Of all of the years of training that I built into my movement that i'm just gonna move in a scrap the way it is Because it's a scrap. It's not Technique driven and so much as it is The momentum driven of what you've written into your body into your musculature on how to move, right? And that's I think the magic place to get for fighters is like Who are you at your bestie in the gym? Is that guy ever seen the lights of competition? Most guys would say no

You know, and I think I think it's the same thing with like with comedy with I mean with so many art forms. It's like we need that pressure to be able to polish that fucking diamond man. Absolutely Absolutely art is art is art is art I'm gonna tell you something. You don't think I'm crazy since I started jujitsu my stand-up has gotten better I know for a fact. I know for a fact. I feel the difference I feel the breathing I feel how everything has affected how I've thought and combined them together Me writing is me being on my back. Nobody likes to do that Nobody wants to be on their back. Nobody wants to write. You know, uh, just so many different things

Like, you know, we were talking about one day when you are a very intelligent guy. You might come to me when they go Joey, did you watch myself that night? I go, yeah That fucking joke keeps bombing. I go that joke's a funny joke The problem is You that experience enough to say There's something about the way you're saying that joke. It's just ain't right selling. It's there. It's a joke Put that joke away and try it again in three years when you have confidence from a different angle

You know and things like that always happen You ever asked for help with like when you like or maybe not now anymore But like when you were young And like starting out in it. Did you ever go to like fucking another comic and go? Hey, look at this. What do you think of this? How do we form this better and get help with that? Or would that be like, uh, I don't want to I don't want to have anybody else's fingerprints on my thing. No, I think that I don't

I won't I don't never want to call. Let's say tape becomes a great joke writer I don't ever want to call tape and go tape right me 30 minutes. I'll pay you $3,000. I would never do that I'm the type of guy don't want you writing for me at all What if I wrote my I'm writing my own and I'm going how do I make this better Joey? That's you have an opinion on that or do you go? I don't want to put my fingerprints on your shit tape Okay, so no no no no we're gonna discuss this right now. So let's pretend Me and you meet three times a week monday wednesday and friday. Yeah, and You're like my trainer for jokes. Yeah, so

Me and you are gonna write together. Okay listen, man Two heads are better than one three heads are better Four heads are better All those years when chris rock had three of those specials that were tremendous specials. Okay What people don't know is Let's say hpl would give him a 250 thousand dollar advance He would take 50 and give it to nick napalm a tremendous joke writer

He would take another 50 and give it to richard jenny as good as the business gets And he would take another 50 and give that to louis ck Okay, because he's got no ego. He knows okay He knows okay, so did these guys write a material for him not at all If you'd watch him on monday nights if you were at the store He'd meet up with nick at the improv about 850 do with 10 minutes set Then on the drive to the laugh factory him and nick would talk about more shit and he'd do another spot And then they closed it out at the store

And if they were lucky enough they'd go back to the fucking laugh factory and write that bit again And he would do the same on tuesday night with Whatever his name is on wednesday night. He would team up with louis ck So by the end of that special yeah, it's a 60 minute special, but I guarantee Each of those wrote 15 minutes. That's why those specials are so good bigger and blacker The one before that where what are they saying, you know There's just talking about being black About being rich, you know, there's a big thing between being black and this is the big thing between being a nigger all those brilliant

Specials where when he was running with rich jenny And that's what a smart comic does these guys started together They know each other like frick me you and lee were white belts 15 years ago. I know lee likes the north south I know you like a motherfucking comorbid so now we don't train no more right But i'm training what could bring you now lee's gone on to train with john jock Guess what when you're gonna fight next time and that guy's a jiu-jitsu specialist Me and lee are gonna come down. You're just gonna put us up and feed us Right, and we're gonna work you you follow. It's the same fucking thing

You're gonna come we're gonna go to you remember that come on you guys that are dope writers. Don't really write You know knock knock who's there? They don't write the joke They're just helping him see the thing from a different angle and bring out more funny in it. Yeah, and if you would watch Chris rock specials That's sarcasm. He has great sarcasm, but take combining with nick the polos You're fucking specials brilliant So if I if each of these guys never feel sorrow, sorry because they're like dude, I gave him my best joke No, because it's not really there. It's like a thing that's wrong. Yeah, I got it. Yeah

I never knew that I always had it backwards I always figured like when these guys they get joke writers that I didn't know that that's that's a cool style There's a lot. I like this style better. Yes. Well if HBO comes to me tomorrow and goes We're gonna give you half a million dollars an advance pay You know, we'll give you a quarter of a million up front and I'm going to get three of the best fifth guys I know what that's like the thing I'm not necessarily going to get Joe Rogan or chris rock Sure, how do I get a feature act that nobody's seen before you see that faheem kid?

He Did he fucking up last night? He's so good dog. His special is coming out. I don't see so I'm gonna have one I'm gonna try to get him one next week. He's fucking good. I was like I'm just like inspiring To what like he's a bad motherfucker. He's dangerous He's like he was like a former engineer like he's really smart It comes across man It comes across and that dude I like it like I saw him go in and out of characters And the problem with fucking dudes that are like comic character guys

Is that they live that character then they become if it's a douchey guy, they're douchey guys If it's like a spartan like hey whizbang sports fan Then they're that guy and but I saw you see a guy like that go in and out of characters And he's still so solid on his feet of who he uh, he's fucking phenomenal. He was he was I'm excited to see a special This special that I just shot to see so yeah, I had a cat willy bar center helped me All right, willy bar center is done 19 tonight shows So he knows the short set. I didn't want the special to be filthy

You know what I'm saying? I wanted it to be more me. So I would write the material Perform and send them the performances And he would write three or four different things And that was it. He told me put this here Don't use that word because We're here to win a fucking fight not to lose the right saying right So there was a lot of things that we went back and forth no arguments. No nothing I trusted him 150%

He didn't write my special at all He helped me I would we would tape the sets with me I would tape him on my iphone and the next morning I emailed him to willy and willy would send me notes So by the time I got back from austin on sunday willy would have all his sets and tuesday when we'd meet He'd have two pages of notes That's dope And I would go home the rest of the week and practice that shit at flappers or at the haha

And that's an interesting thing too. There's no help. There's no doing it. There's no practicing that shit at home Oh, you have to put your ass on the line And you might go and look silly you got to risk everything you got to go and risk it Me shooting a special I looked at it as me training for a fight. I can say this and so That was it. It's the same thing. You have the same shit every day. You gotta sleep eat I gotta think about this. I gotta get up and my back hurt I've never sat that much in my life now. I do exercises while i'm sitting down If i'm sitting that long

But I was trying to write in like two hour chunks smoke dope run errands come back Go to a coffee shop now change locations two hours Go home and that night after everybody went to bed. I go to starbucks till midnight Over here. Excuse me. I'm magnolia. So I always had different things to To you know, I don't like right. Yeah, you know, I have a conversation with lee. I love jujitsu But there's only one thing I don't like about jujitsu a daylight today Who the fuck wants to roll? Inside on the daylight today

You know what i'm saying, you know the daylight today, I would usually blow up jujitsu get kettlebells go to noho park Swing five sets couple cleans couple squats and just walk around the track Stretch out get some sun that sweat is a natural. Yeah, whatever. I love right now outside in the sun Like I love it. I love it. There's something about you know, if you read uh Steven spillsburg's book on writing it's called on writing very interesting book He talks about a way that he used to have his room and now He breaks it down for motherfucker. Really? Oh Stephen king on on writing breaks it down king not steven spilberg. No, steven king. I'm sorry king. Yeah

So order it right now on amazon. You're gonna love it He has great shit because he's like us. He's a real fucking dude that dude did coke and heroin Really? Yeah, bro. I just heard this shit Like he was on sons of anarchy, you know, that's a trip because I was yeah, he was a son. I was a kid I was I was figured if you're successful, you're on the street. That's what they sell you that's if you're on the straight and narrow If you're success and like he's a successful writer So, you know in the meantime how the fuck do you think you all hear those killed themselves and shit, you know

That kills people. Yeah, you know, I think he had carry the dog the fucking a carry was a piece of paper It was a couple pages that he had wrote But he was a janitor at the time and knew Hampshire aware where the fuck he was living And he was working as a janitor in a high school or grammar school I don't know you'll correct me after you read this and he saw the period box In the girl's bathroom So he wrote a couple lines about that and then he wrote a couple lines about people who have sumo Superhuman natural brain abilities right people that could move stuff

So he took whatever he had he wrote like 30 pages on it He threw in the garbage And that night when he got home from work his wife took it out of garbage. He said I read this. This is really good That's carry crazy. How fucking crazy is that's the wild thing too is like how we never good enough for our own shit Yeah, he's gonna break down so much shit for you when it's just an interesting book It's cool. Do you want to be a writer or not? Right? I mean, this is just a book in this guy's perspective And I think he talks about his addictions and like he was snorting blow it to write

You know, you know last night I was watching something before I went to the store About Ernest Hemingway said at the same fucking place every day and wrote and got a hammered hammered He hung out there for 10 fucking years. You know, uh, the guy that fear and loathing in Las Vegas Yeah, he was no fucking guy Bukowski Bukowski with this. You know, they were all had him into the dope The Spanish guy the one that uh, the guy that created Miami Vice, but everybody. Yeah They each got to have something this is what takes that imagination. I remember one time Tate and I were at Tate's gonna go Joe Diaz get the fuck out of here

Tate and I were in Austin, Texas At the uh, what's the name of the restaurant? We go to the across from the hotel Papados and me and Eddie and all those guys but me and Tate were getting into a conversation About how Alice and chains wrote their music On heroin look at him. He's going. Oh my god And i'm gonna take looking at me going that's interesting like Tate was heavy into the you know, you were very sober then you were very proud And you were like that's interesting. I can't imagine joey and you went like

Uh, what's that song they do wood? Yeah, isn't it? Yeah, man in the box Or Here comes the uh rooster. Yeah, you know with the one we were talking about If you listen to that whole fucking album It's laced with heroin. Oh down in the hole If you've ever been in a hole, yeah, you know, you know who they wrote like under a different beat is fucking Lou Reed Lou Reed used to write fucking poetry man street poetry About fucking dope and hookers and fucking trannies everything man. He was the fucking man

that's these on on on Down in the hole I have it on my iPod and it's like the second song I listened to when I have 2000 milligrams of tac And me and I put my seatbelt on That's the second tone. I have like an order on the plane And I listened to down the hole like two or three times in the first section of lyrics You know holding red flowers in the tomb and all that shit down in the hole And I don't know if I could be straight or I could feel his pain

Yeah, I could feel what the fuck they were writing. I mean when he sang that he had no teeth on MTV And no fucking teeth The heroin how bad does it get when your teeth are fucking gone on? How good is it? How good is it? Oh, yeah, that's the other side. I mean it's so good talking to him started Tate. He's gonna start bringing heroin in again. He's gonna Man, it's not again, but so good. It's like that and people don't they don't get it. It's like that's how good it is Like I can be pulling scabs. I was last time I saw a dude shoot up I was in Vancouver and I was uh looking out the window this alley

And this dude's trying to hit his neck and the only time anybody tries to hit their neck is because all their other veins are gone Nothing's available right and and you know And so he and he can't get and I'm like And I'm watching for fucking 10 minutes 15 and I'm uncomfortable as fuck. I'm like, I hope come on get this time get it Like I'm as I'm like him I'm like I've become him and and fucking he finally hits it and that relief comes and and it is it's a it's like a wind tunnel Of dirt and scabies just blowing through this fucking alley There's 30 junkies all in there strewn about the place and fucking he's there and he fucking gets it

It's just like And you just know he's home And fuck man. You were shooting in there. Yeah. Yeah, would you shoot coke? Yeah coke and heroin and morphine What do you think of the coke shooting? I don't like it so much I I did it a few times with a buddy of mine because Like that he he liked it because as soon as it hit his veins He'd throw up and he's like then I couldn't know how good the coke was if I was gonna buy weight And like it was just like it it was like he would get a taste like that and that was his that was his thing, you know

um I can't imagine shooting up on a daily basis on a multiple times a day basis It's one of the things like when I when I first got clean and I go, uh You know a couple months in I didn't have nothing out like there's nothing to look forward to not for years for me there's nothing for years, but One of the things was that I didn't have to get high Any anymore and that and like and there's a different thing like when you say I can't imagine doing it on a daily basis Like like the thing is is like you can't imagine not because like your hope that's all that's all the life is

That's the word. That's the only place you get freedom. I got one friend. He shoots speed and yeah, yeah, and he um And uh, he was clean for a while and he whatever whatever but he hits it man Sometimes he says he'll he'll fucking put powder in the barrel and he'll draw blood to mix the blood So there's no dilution right and he hammers it And he says and when I I said I said are you getting any relief anymore at all? Are you getting is there any freedom in there because that's what we're hunting man and uh And he goes he says, you know, I blast it and fucking

My knees will fucking shake and give out and right before I drop to the ground. I feel fucking free I'm set free and and that's all he's getting is that millisecond right there anymore, right? But he's still you know, you can't get away from it It's fucking crazy to do a man. It's like it's a wild thing, you know That's why I think we're built to have fun. We're built to feel good Man, I gotta push all the ways to feel good and to have fun that I can Because like there's I mean however you do it you do it like whatever it is But like some are more sustainable than others, you know, okay, I mean I'm not I can't sit here

From the age of 16 To when I got locked up at 27 If there was no coke I wouldn't leave the house Like if you called me and said joey, I got three chicks here. We're gonna rock and roll. Did you get anything? No, I couldn't get anything. What about your friend? No I'm not gonna go out there. Yeah to stand in the barn drink three beers. That's not gonna happen I mean, how sad is that? It's fucking pathetic, but but like dudes would ask me they go. Well, what do you do coke? What would you do like?

Or like what what are you gonna do like let's let's go go to go to the club. I'm not a club guy I'm fucking not that like it's like that's not something I'm like Oh, it really makes me miss drinking or something like to see a bunch of dickheads in a club like is not my thing but like I'm like I'm doing coke. What do you mean like They're like, well, what are you gonna do tonight? I'm like, it's called doing cocaine I'm gonna look out the window some I'm gonna have the fucking tv on with the volume turned way down And I'm gonna do cocaine until there's no cocaine left and I'm gonna stay up for as long as that takes like And I'm gonna fucking it's gonna be like that

And like and and then I remember I got locked up once on a friday And so I'm there until monday pride to see the judge right and a dude hits me up. He comes in he goes Hey, he says hey, you want to do some bloke? I go I know how much bloke he goes. I got a quarter gram. I go no And I didn't have a problem saying no because I could not imagine the feeling of what that craving is like when I get that in me That I'm gonna fucking sit there for 72 hours wanting more. Fuck you. I'll chew through your neck You cock sucker when I got sentenced Damn morning. I got sentenced, you know, I say my goodbyes

I got a suit on I walk into the fucking cell. There's a camera. I'm by myself There's a fucking toilet another thing. I had been snorting for three days straight And three because they called on friday and said Community corrections didn't take them. You gotta go convince this fucking judge or he's going to jail They told me it's friday or five. So that changed all the whole I thought I was going to court and I was going to walk out there That's how fucking delusional I was. That's what planet I fucking was at. Yeah, kidnapped by the machine gun. Yeah, sure You're going to beat it for a right, right? But the cocaine was like I'm going to go on there monday I'll talk to the judge. I swear to god, dude

Like I have no reason like you take like I was like I was going there monday and I put some fucking I'll tell the judge here. I'm doing my story I couldn't even talk and that judge said do you have anything to say? I couldn't even talk. You know me though. I could talk for hours. I was like I couldn't talk from being nervous and he sentenced me. I went in the back and after all that tape I go in the back. There was one of those suits where you put the coke in and you hide it and you forget And for some reason i'm sitting in the prison. So i'm in there 20 minutes now. I'm going through my clothes Like just wow, look at this shirt. I take the jacket off

And for some reason I took the napkin out Holy fuck And there it is front and center a rocker coke That I had been saving since god knows when and I just crunched it up in front of the camera with my fingers in the suit pocket I went in my wall. I took a dollar bill out I put the whole dollar bill in that fucking thing and I went back to the faucet and turned it on Snorted the whole fucking gram and they had one shot because by that time that's what I was doing

When I was 27 I could do a whole fucking bag of one shot. Yeah, I flushed it down the toilet with the dollar bill I waited for them to come But they didn't see me in the camera bill clean first and brother. Let me tell you something I think 10 minutes and the coke was tremendous but between the uh the relief Of knowing I was going to jail and everything else right I fucking passed out Crazy like passed out like passed out like woke up. I got seven o'clock. Well, I did that coke. It was One in the afternoon and it was a gram

Which for an hour you're sitting there fucking join It didn't even hit me that way like because The release the relief of knowing that I was gonna it was for a year. I was living in Hey, living with the other hammers, you know, everybody I'm talking to is like good luck. We'll see what happens Yeah, we'll leave in God's hands as much as you think you're gonna beat something, you know I I I was convinced because of my cocaine addiction That I was going to talk him into a work release job and I was going to snort coke and Kidnap it machine gun and kidnap this how we taught it drugs go to you know cocaine is so good

At fucking people up that your whole life can be spiraling down the shitter with turds right behind it And you think you're killing it killing it. I thought I was I thought I was gonna fucking a crazy No, no, no, I thought I was gonna go on there smooth the judge over. Yeah, like this is the beauty of this at 30 At no, I started coming. I went to prison in 87, which made me 24 years old At 24 years old, I thought I was gonna actually go in there and smooth the judge like judge Let me talk to you, but now I got sentenced august 15th of 88. So that means I was 25 years old and I went to prison Well, I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna go talk to him. That's how retarded I was at 25 Let me go talk to this guy. Do you remember what your lawyer was saying?

My lawyer was telling me to keep my fucking mouth shut You know, my lawyer was phenomenal. I mean he Did an amazing fucking job. I recently called him and said really? Found him and I said, listen, I didn't want your work to be in vain I go, I finally got my life together. I'm a comedian. I'm married. I have a child. I'm 50 And he was like, you can't be telling me this shit He goes my son. No, so that was the conversation we had the first day Then the second day he called me

And he goes, I went home and told my son my son knows everything about you. Yeah, you were in the longest yard He goes, Jesus Christ, he goes, he's studying to be in film So I said when he becomes a big director, tell him to call his uncle Joey, you know what I'm saying? Don't call me now. Call me But yeah, what took you to Seattle then? Abroad yeah abroad and Yeah, I did stop with that goddamn camp. Did they have a did they have a better? Did they have a better comedy scene there or anything like that? Absolutely big city. It's like a real it's like LA

Like that city is a huge fucking west coast city Denver at the time was mckelvey's witsend Now it's the place that I've been to in denver is that was that open back then the comedy works the place that All brick and shit. It's fucking real nice. Yes. That's been there since 81 I love that building. I just got a sweatshirt from them like their anniversary I just found it. They gave it to me when I was there in august, but I just found it I must have put it in the closet and it was like their 50th anniversary You know denver only had the comedy works and those other two clubs But before those two clubs opened

They would have to go to a boulder and boulder. It was a jazz club called the blue note And that's where like rosanne did comedy. I mean everybody was doing tom oral. Yeah Is that because the college was more like they had better venues for like no, no, no That's all they had available for comedy was a jazz club You know, if you look into the history of comedy over the years, it was done with brlesque And then it was done very I want god like in the 60s and then like in the 70s is when I think the first comedy club popped up

Like I've heard different stories Pittsburgh The funny bone in Pittsburgh, which is not there no more. I would guess that it's like kind of like The the first guy is the guy that's In between bringing up acts and he's telling little jokes He's like, how am I going to fill the space in between the baton twirler and the fucking lion tamer He's like, I'll tell some and like it started is like that kind of job. I bet and then somebody goes I wonder if somebody would just like to see that all the time and then there's a headline comic made

Like, oh, you know what I mean? That's like because they're guys that have stage presence that have charisma that can sway a crowd pump a crowd up ultimate hype man Keep them laughing. You know I wonder where they were born from those first comics They're doing a show right now on see and I'm called the history of comedy I watched 15 minutes of what I had I was busy that night. I don't know what night it comes on but I think Like vaudeville, but I know they have like fucking cavemen drawings Huh?

There's some guy up there hit the drum with his dick or something. There's gotta be, you know They had to be human. I mean they talked about with jokers and well one of those people court gestures Somewhere along the line I guarantee we're going to see bricks of fucking stand-up clubs in africa Some guy and if you were really bad, they just threw a spear at you. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? They just chucked the fucking spear right through your fucking heart if you're gonna be entertainment of one kind or another Let me give some shout outs here real quick. Yeah to my motherfuckers and the game Smarri army swarmy army, whatever the fuck it is

our gun machado Gabor james harrison Xz podcast The whole monty caritas harman Real joe williams and my man matthew stone. I love you cocksuckers Anyway, where were we sorry? I love that Yeah, you gotta know, you know, you see him on twitter or facebook man. I love interacting dude I like I try to answer all the goddamn snapchats and I tell you though

I fucked up. I don't know if I fucked up or not li can be the judge, but I I was down in mexico You know scotty that runs on the mat. Yes. Yes. He's friends with john salami and stuff. Yeah Yeah, and so he's got a hospital down there like a cancer remediation and drug therapy kind of fuzzy Yeah, they do curse and juicing and I did hyperbaric chambers I did they do coffee enemas all day long to kind of to release This antioxidant that lives in your liver basically and and uh and cleans you out and They do they do everything they did ozonate. They take my blood out They put it through an ozone machine and then they put it through UV light and put it back in kills all the viruses in your body

like they do all types of shit and So i'm down there and i'm doing enemas and these guys, you're not on snapchat. You can't aim tech I gotta remind you about tech. Yeah, you know your gino at speed weed. He's like, uh, I got a picture The joey it's on joey's phone, but he's not good at texting. I go you're fucking right. He's not and He says see if you get so I gotta remember remind us. You're not gonna remember look at you It's uh, I'm okay. Well, what happened with the uh Anyway, so I go down there and I get all these guys they can add you on your story So you're just fucking it's an onslaught of

Pictures of dogs and their lunch and they're this and they're that on snapchat I'm like, hey, how about don't do that because I like to Interact with people and I don't need to be out of your timeline Anyway, long and short of it. I fucking got an animal Thing and I got coffee in it and then I take a picture of that Send it to like 30 guys that all of fucking savaged me with their boring fucking shit And then a picture of the hose and then a picture of my asshole was the finisher forum And I I fucking send that out to all these guys

And they're like, holy and then the finisher finisher was what was in the toilet after the animal comes up Oh, no, I just I and I'm like, you're welcome. How about keep me off your fucking timelines? Since then it's been real nice in my neighborhood. No, wait a second. So I don't do snapchat I know I get confused as it is I'm good with twitter. I'm good with paris. You good on my face I used to be good on my space, but I'm not good on this other shit Snapchat you gotta I'm impressed with how much you do on periscope That you're a savage on there. Well, I do two

Before the podcast And I try to do one on monday and friday's especially from a different city. That's cool. You want to smoke a joint? You give them a look. Do you do do live stream? this Yes, you do live stream it. Yeah. Yeah, it's going on right now on youtube god damn that'll be eating my snot All right. Oh, please don't talk about that again. I'm just teasing. Oh, he doesn't he's that's it Don't talk about it. You know, I'm gonna talk about you want me to tell the story from today? Sure. No, I can't tell you the story about the snot today. Anyway, too savage

No, it's it's true. So give yourself a look at the calendar tonight when you go home. Yeah, look at the rooms and look at the You know, they got all the oh I'll tell you where you're gonna go with time. He used to go Marty's Marty's nobody's gonna see you there. All right. Nobody's gonna know who you are cool You don't know your son. Where's it pay three bucks? It's right in hollywood sunset on sunset and uh I gotta write it in it's right across right down the block from the fucking israeli restaurant On sunset my favorite aroma I like aroma. Yeah, it's right down the block from how's aroma israeli

It's it's it's actually a coffee shop in israel. Like it's really. Yeah, they got one on studio city, right? No, that's they're not related. Oh, no. No the aroma in hollywood. That's where they have the salmon Fucking delicious. They got a they got a couple good fucking dishes in there jack marty's on sunset. Yeah Is that what it's called? Did you get the picture? I sent you every night. Yeah seven nights a week Okay I think it's like five bucks to get five bucks and you go and you get on stage 10 times and one night if you want Because they just I did I got it. They just keep rotating you So it's fucking tremendous

I'm really proud of you take this will this will change your life I'm excited to do it as a hobby for a while just to get your feet wet It's another thing. Listen knowledge is power. I a koka. Yeah, baby. I a koka said that knowledge is power I just I like I like to spread it out. I like like it's the next like Scary thing like is it because it's like wrestling, right? It's like you're wrestling this new thing and like We'll get good at that too, you know, and that's what I want to do. I don't want to just do it a few times I'd like to make it part of my living lifestyle How do you get into like just speaking about doing things that are scary?

You're into a lot of different businesses. How did you get how do you get into? Jiu-jitsu and coffee and I don't mean like a bar and well jiu-jitsu is different I got into jiu-jitsu to stop my head and I just wanted to Like I I just want to there was always a thing in my in my body. I think where I was like I want to Be able to use this I want to be able to be useful at it or whatever And like when I had the chance to jiu-jitsu fascinated me because I got arm bar by a dude There was a hundred pounds lighter than me three times and under a minute Same arm and I was baffled. I had no idea how that happened like because I thought I was tough, right?

And so then I just dove into it and I was I got in there through stick fights through a group Um, you know, you did collie. Uh, it's like collie screema crabby cabrón. It's a dog brother. Yeah Yeah, your friends are good dog brothers, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah, I could somebody said you were friends with one of them I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, though. One of the fun. Oh, it's a couple of founders. I'm good friends That's a great. I mean he was saying that Alberto was telling me that there was he goes astray. He knows one of the guys had a belly He goes one of the guys had a belly and whenever he did jiu-jitsu He had a move that he would just fucking put it on you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

I think I think I don't know if that's your story. That's a guy in brazil. He was telling me He goes joey the guy tapped everybody with his belly. He goes. I was the only guy he never tapped out Do you know why he looks because I used to make like a straw at my mouth It's like I would just sit there joey He'll find an opening man. He's not tapping me out. Yeah He's not tapping me out. He goes but the guy would probably was saying something about the dog brothers that you know What there was a guy there that was heavy Yeah, Arlen and he wouldn't move a lot, but he had a move I forgot what he had a couple

He had a couple moves that he would do and if and if you could withstand it He didn't have air to last for the next few minutes And so you just you just had to withstand the storm It's like it was like fighting a really good wrestler like real good wrestler ain't gonna finish you But he's gonna beat your ass all the way up till you get to choke him But you get to choke him You know like and that it was like that like that's it's like real you know real strong guys without the wind is That's trouble for them if you can withstand that and you got you're that big. That's a lot of air. Yeah

That's a lot of air I see these guys that go into the u of c with tons of muscle And by the second round they're huffing and puffing You got to shave away at that muscle a little bit something something to get to the air in there those muscles We got to train require a lot of oxygen to fucking work, man. My friend, uh, my friend He owns a Gracie Baja now in albuquerque, but um Down ortega and he'd say just because you're buff don't mean you're tough Like when all these steroid guys are walking to the gym or something and they'd all get strangled

It's just whatever you're trained at, you know, whatever you're good at There's not just technique you got to be in the fire and be Underneath the suffering of somebody else on top of you trying to strangle the life out of you And that's where you grow and you can't grow like that anywhere else than in those conditions I don't know when people get involved in different things whether it be stand-up or fighting or Or whatever painting or yeah, it's one of the artists that that Like the internal suffering that you have it's this weird, you know, you said it best before the universe

We never think about the universe When you wake up in the morning, you look out the window the stars We never think about the universe not the fucking universe that they talk about in Armageddon The universe the spiritual universe You know Goal writing Let's talk about goal writing kid came to the show last friday because before I listened to your podcast

I never wrote a goal in my life. Wow because I started writing goals and pretty soon they started coming up That's because you put some into the universe. Yeah, you project, you know When I call you the first year of your stand-up career, I would never call you and say this to you But there's a lot of people will call you and go take what are you doing tonight? Nothing come on down do 15 minutes in front of 400 people You know You think you're not gonna get paid you know something like I would pay you but then right sure but But it's not about the money

It's about you going down there, right because you just put something into the universe Whether you bomb or not, you don't know what you're doing, right? You have no idea what you just did Yep, you did something from the kindness of your soul that Two people gonna laugh that means you made two people out of the 400 left They're gonna think your goofy ass is funny after two weeks of doing comedy. There always is and You know people Don't want to put things into the universe anymore

And before the universe gives you something back the universe you and I live in because we believe in karma We've done time we've done drugs and we've seen all the you know when you hit somebody in the head to take 30 hours And all of a sudden two weeks later You got 32 dollars and you lose it when you jump into the water and you go And you remember the 30 you stole two weeks later the universe gives you signals That's why I was always scared that the other shoe was going to drop It's because I was always forcing the other shoe to drop I would make it I would make an action that there was for sure going to be a reaction to a couple weeks later

And maybe I'd be dumb enough to not be able to see the scope of the whole reaction like that. They were related issues They're the same issue Yeah, man for sure the universe is a very you know with stand-up comedy with acting It's a very weird Indica. It's a this is from Gino. Do you prefer Indica or do you prefer sativa? If you have a certain type of sativa that'll sizzle my eyeballs, I'll smoke it But that jack carer and all that shit that shit don't do nothing uncle joy We brought a sativa and you don't get high on it not at all. What about you? Uh, I can I it it's not the same though. I prefer the indica. It's uh, we're indica money

It's probably just because that's all of smoke with joey for years right because I actually I do and I did enjoy the one because he got me a seat as sativa once from perennial And he told me to smoke it before I did some work and I actually saw the benefits of it I was like, oh, yeah, I could see that happening. But I I still prefer indica's Interesting. I get the benefit from whether I smoke and eat it anything that calms me down And lets me settle on one thing. Yeah, they say the sativa is like more of a Encourage or Or whatever more of an it gets you high but it gets you motivated not motivated gives you energy. That's what people

Say they like sativas. I get energy from indica. Yeah, me too. I get energy from the thought pattern The thought pattern the first, you know I I don't sit down after I smoke weed like that shit about sitting and watching movies right that was when I was 22 Now I get high to work Not really stand up But everything that goes would stand up, you know dealing with this the podcast writing jokes When I write my book when I'm writing a couple paragraphs in the book writing that with somebody

I have an agent. Yeah, but I'm pretty much writing it alone at this point And I've been really really on it and I'm really proud of myself How do you do it? Do you say I'm going to write three hours in the morning? No matter what or only one inspired or how do you keep the ambition to do it going first off? I start with writing a sentence a week A friend of mine that used to listen to the podcast said I just want you to start with a sentence a week And two or three times I failed a certain a sentence a day A sentence a day. I'm sorry

And I failed like two or fucking three times a sentence a day. I would do four days But I would still do it, you know But four days is that going to get you to once a week for two years? Nothing ain't really gonna happen Right because by the time you go there next Monday, you forgot about what you learned the week before You only got four rows the week before So after while I was writing the special this year, I got that thing Where you know, again, if you want something to happen, you got to sit there for two hours and really write and really think and

I don't sit there and waste that energy no more All right, so I've said this a thousand times When you first start writing you're going to go okay Immigration I heard Chinese people got immigrated. Okay So what are you gonna do? So for three fucking hours, you're gonna sit like this at the coffee shop I'm sitting with the pen between my think my teeth making believe I'm thinking right. This is what happens You just wasted three hours. Fuck that Write this but I want you to exercise

I want you to write a story but the first time you went to rehab That's it Joey, but what? Because you're working that muscle. Yeah You're working that muscle. This is a muscle. This is a muscle Believe it or not. This is a muscle But the real muscle is sitting your ass in the chair That's the muscle we all lack is actually sitting down for that hour going Mitch Hedberg did it every day. Have you called Mitch Hedberg at 11 o'clock? You wouldn't get an answer

From nine to 12. He shut everything off. His house was empty His window was open. He was pointed north And he fucking wrote you know getting divine intervention. Yeah, sometimes people You know, they have the certain pattern to write. I read about a lot of authors and some of them have The certain yeah, how many we had away. Yeah, I was right away. Everybody has a certain way But the you have a way it's sitting down and doing that fucking way and doing it right I think everybody's looking for magic, right? They're looking for light switch to go off But nobody wants to sit there long enough. There's no fucking light switch

There's just you in this fucking office Because this is a small office. Good. So you're you're gonna go outside. No, you gotta leave the window open if you want to fart You gotta let go so you farted in here and you farted in here. That's a tape fart. I wish I did All fucking Lee fart. I didn't fart on somebody fucking farted in here Remember, I would fart though and blame you and air but everybody knew it wasn't me because you had that protein shit I always start laughing. I had cocaine farts You had you had way protein for it. That fart is a way protein fart. What's it coffee for that fucking coffee and shit Not me way protein farts. It's a disgust it

It was the worst the worst was there I went into a 7-eleven with eddie bravo And he would hunt for stuff that had warnings on it and he'd say eat this tape And it'd be it'd be like certain sweeteners that had some shit in it that was I Can't think of the fucking worst thing ever but they were the worst They were the worst in fucking texas and we're at the barns and motherfucking nobles on the second floor And we're all sitting in chairs

And I cut a fart and that motherfucker that the whole place heard it And we all got up and walked out of barns and nobles like gentlemen I blasted a fart in there. That was a loud one. See I was good for loud ones The stinky ones you were the fucking most horrible And he would open the door the window come back two hours later And you could still smell the The the intestine of the fart like the middle of the fart like if you take a piece of shit and cut it in half It smells completely different like once you cut that's it when you're walking down the street sure it does

Sure it does How many times you go to the bathroom and you take a poop and your ship breaks in half and also like a real skunk comes out Like one piece is so heavy on the it's like a metal It's like a steel bat like one that this is real heavy. It just breaks when it's in your muffling You still got three And it releases that Batman fucking smoke out there horrible horrible. We got to get more fiber in that life No, I always eat more fiber. That's why I don't fart like do you still do the green stuff? Which one the protein drink no like just as just greens

I eat salads there's some green thing that you're like. Yeah, I was drinking or something like that. Yeah Terrible terrible god. They all taste bad. They all taste fucking bad I dope up every protein powder I get. Yeah all of them taste like that. I don't eat any of them I put all that shit Like I do like amino acids sometimes, but I don't suck like I eat food Like and that's like I don't really fuck with protein powders. Sometimes I'll do like a recovery one A friend of mine makes this nice, but most of them give you gut problems like most of them are filled with some kind of Crazy isolate that is fucked up and makes your guts all bloated or

And I just I'm like, I don't like it man. It doesn't make me feel good and I don't think it has a benefit I think we've been sold a big bill of goods about like how much protein like I think the supplement companies are really like All supplement companies make oh, dude a ton of money. You know, that's my next business Supplements sure. Why not? I got a great endurance one. I got fucking some good amino All natural all natural flavors because all of them got cancer in them And so we've got natural sweeteners natural flavors all that kind of stuff in them Oh, we'll be out in a couple months But yeah, man, I like I don't know. Thank you guys about like I wouldn't do any of them businesses

I wouldn't do any other stuff. I don't look at it and go here's the plan I'm going to take I throw my hat over the fence and then I got to crawl over the fence to get my hat And I think that's how you get stuff done sometimes Is because if I knew all the work that went into making like caveman coffee or pirate life podcast or Like I wouldn't fucking do it. I wouldn't take that on. I want to take all the headaches and the emotional stuff and the Fucking try to get everybody's character and and personalities together. It's a lot But it's also then the thing that you built that you love and that you take care of like a baby And you're like, this is a fucking cool thing that I have thought

I've thought the idea into the universe like and made a thing like it's so it's kind of dope too It's in because I have the exact right now. I'm going through a period where I'm trying to get As much out as possible so I can focus on only a couple things Well, you're gonna need to get an assistant Well, no, I don't need an assistant now that you've gone into these six digits. I know where you're at. Lee. I know where you're at I One day, but if I get an assistant before Joey doesn't kill me We don't need no fucking assistant. That's the problem in this town is everybody needs a fucking assistant

At the end of the week, you know, you can get you can get yourself an intern I went over on that uh that that calms deal and and brennan and um They got interns and I'm like, what's an intern? They're like, they do all the work and we don't like it's like I was like, that's amazing. Like they're like, yeah, it's fucking great People are just learning the business or learning this and that and I was like, wow But my thing that would break my heart with that. I like people I like working with people And I would hate for that person to go. You know what this don't serve me anymore So fuck this. I'm not doing this either

Like I would only want those positions to segue into something where pretty soon you can be driving a bmw You know what I mean? Like I I want uh That's that that's the whole point of the internship. That's a whole I mean, it's tough when you're in school because if you're in school you can't get a job But when when you're a senior when you're a senior Like that's the hope is you'll intern there and then get a get a job offer I don't want anybody in here working for free number one Not even in I don't want anybody working for free and number two. I don't want nobody in here

That's the beauty by me. That could be number one. I don't want nobody in here. I don't want nobody in here What's this guy that's san lazaro He's a saint of the dogs and shit. Those are the people when I killed michael vick That's why I didn't let him in a lot of federal prisons Cubans are real big in san lazaro. So That's like so that's like san francis also like the the patron saint animals, right? Yeah, so But these guys go a little deeper. They'll stab you and shoot you over fucking dogs Yeah, because the dogs licked lazarus's legs and they licked his whatever disease he had

I can't think about it right now. Anyway, but uh, yeah, just same fucking He's kind of built. I'm sure he was built. He was 90 pounds He was a fucking bone and muscle. You know what I am that was fucking it Not, you know li wants to start businesses. What kind of businesses? I'm not that's the thing is we we've been talking about it And I have a few different ideas on going back and forth between but then also

Part of me if I'm being honest is I would love to do this for as long as as I possibly can Take whatever I make go live in vegas and not deal with anybody anymore I just play play cards. He wants to play a professional gambler So I tell him the he got the books and he goes to gamble three four days a week crazy If that's what he wants to do and I could always I could always do something It's I never thought like what you saying with all the businesses you've done I never thought I'd be here. So I could I in in six years I could be in alabama doing something who knows but

Right now what makes me happy like that's that's when I I see you a lot on instagram and like I'm I hate I really I really don't like when people tell me That oh, it's work. It's not going to be fun. I really I don't I don't want to live my life like that. That's not fun. Yeah, I don't want to pick the things you love li Right, and I love this and you know what it's it's a huge. It's a huge gamble. It's a huge risk But that's The most fun I had when I was I was thinking about it the other night. I was like, when do I actually have fun?

Because joey joey gets mad at me. He's like I stay home. I don't I don't like a lot of stuff I don't like a lot, but what I like to move this girl for them and now they really stay home to every night or week Yeah, you know, she don't want to do nothing. She has to work at eight in the morning So that puts him and it's like they can get away from each other. They got like one room So I'm like, you gotta get out of the fucking house. If not, you're gonna end up stabbing the mother fuck I love casinos when people say they don't like Vegas. I don't get it There's I love everything about it. I even I've never smoked I've smoked one cigarette in my life in jordan from a cab driver

But that's yeah, that's it. I love when people smoke at the tables. I love the smell of cigarettes I love I love drink. I don't drink. I drink every time I go to the casino I take two stars two red stars, which does nothing to me, but it just calms me down a little bit And I have the best time ever if I if I The the the thing I've actually started doing now though is I set a timer Because I'll sit at the table all day because I love it and that's when you lose your money So I started then like 30 minutes and 45 minute timers to see where I am and like take a break but uh

Yeah, that's if I if I really sit down and think about it I love everything about casinos and I know most people hate it and it's it's a lot degenerates, but I some of the best people that I meet and get to talk to and we're high-fiving and telling stories Is people at blackjack tables? I think that everybody should have a job And then a journey, you know everybody So you don't want to be keep getting falling down now in five years. You'll be producing films. Yeah The studio is the progression that studios in Santa Fe in three years. You're gonna go. You know what? I don't want to piano reason bar me again. I'm done with this shit

I'll fucking kick them in the stomach and end it for You know I'm saying how many times from piano Reeves fucking joke me. I'll fuck him. Yeah, so one day you go fuck this shit and Everybody evolves man, but at the end of the day It's a journey I was telling you when you came in you asked me and I told you the fucking truth And I always had natural aptitude right and I can always make a buck like growing up I always knew how to make a buck from fucking day one. I knew so You know when I was 27 I was fucking frustrated

I was frustrated. Yeah, you know, I was making Before I got locked up the year and a half before I got luck I was making anywhere from three To seven thousand dollars a month in those days my rent was 450 I had four roommates in Boulder You know I'm saying I'm making four five thousand dollars a month and I'm spending Seven hundred a month at the house. The rest was on blow. Yeah dry cleaning and boost

I would get high and at two in the morning. I'd knock on the roommate's door and give her a stab and eat a pussy And then go back to my room like nothing happened. You know what I'm saying? The specter, you know, but It was so fucking weird how I started making that money like I I was making Eight hundred dollars a fucking month Washing cars and they asked me to start selling cars And one day I went from the first day I sold cars. I made a thousand dollars And I was I called a detail shop and I'm never coming back. Well, you guys were paying me in a month. I made in one fucking day

Every month after it was brand new Subaru's in Boulder. Come on guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, unless you're retarded You're not gonna make fucking no money and fucking both. You know I ran into one of the best salesmen ever today Like we were just sitting I was taking those stupid pictures But we're just sitting out there and the guy from the sprint store came out and was like, you know, really make your Your pictures look really good an iphone 7s was from sprint And then he started going he's like, you know what I can see your life is on your phone Like he just started going at me and Joe Perez for like five but he fucked up

Why he ain't the best salesman in the world Because me I would have gone out there with the camera taking pictures Ah Don't bro. See what I'm saying. God damn it. See what I am That's where the amateurs fucking fail and right there. I would have had you outside with numbers. What are you paying for that right now? Let me do this. Have you seen the commercial right there? You selling your feet and your clothes on your ass. You understand me? I wouldn't have fucking told you that would have them work better

I would have came out with the phone Taking the fucking pic and then showed it to you and compared it to you and now I got you I got my hooks on you. Let's go in. Maybe you have a spread phone I get you two phones for the price of one. It's Wednesday Now I got you and Joe Perez all fucked up My job as a salesman is to keep you fucked up. Yeah, keep you interested keep you fucked up I just think as long as I could get like I used to sell roofs and uh and like siding and shit And uh, and we sell in Denver would do storms after the storm chase. Yeah, I did

And I go man If I'm sitting on their couch having a glass of water I got a contract and so that would be my only goal. I wouldn't try to sell the I wouldn't I would just go I'm just trying to get on that couch If I can get welcomed in their home make them feel comfortable. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, listen Leave your card. We got your estimate and we'll call you back in a week and within three days They call you back or sometimes that day you leave with a fucking deposit. I love Selling roofs. That was fun, man. Selling roofs was the something I did for about 18 months

That was keeping me from shooting motherfuckers Okay, it was my tail end couple of last months In the halfway house. I got out of there, but I was still on community corrections And I had two brother-in-laws that were you know, they were like a I hate to say this But they were like acclaimed roofers Like all day long people would fucking come on the roof and go listen We got this roof over on federal And this and this and they knew it. They had been doing it for the same companies since they were 16 years old

And now they were both in their fucking mid 30s and they knew everything I mean our crew in those days we did a A ballasted roof when you do rocks on it But you have to we would do 40 square a day two roof tear up Laydown insulation Five of us it was an hurdle, but they were geniuses. They knew Like seven to three thirty. They didn't believe in overtime and people go How the fuck did you do this every day the rock came at three?

Well, we were doing stone that those two animals would be flashing. They didn't believe in overtime They wouldn't pay it and they wouldn't work it crazy. So everything they did was by the fucking eyeball It was the most brilliant too, but they were socially the one guy. They called him the prowler Because he wouldn't go home Huh my old brother-in-law tom was a great guy But I think he still has the record in colorado for duis. Wow like 18 or something like somebody told me three years ago I talked I still talked to one of the roofers I was partners with and he goes yeah, and the other guy

Was genius material, but had no social skills, right? But he would go on a roof. He would buy a quarter pound of weed and smoke in the week Because he would real he would bring a bong in his jacket in the winter It was the craziest thing I ever saw my my ex-brother-in-law's my ex-brother-in-law's a dynamite motherfuckers. Have you ever talked to any of them again? No Order x or nothing like that I called the x two years ago. I had the baby the baby was two years You know and I called the x and I said listen here's what's going on

But we're about you know we're squared up What I'm gonna need to do for me to talk to my daughter. She goes, uh She's still upset about get grandfather and her and a boy from broke up. She'll call you in a few days That was two years ago. Yeah, I called the back asked her again Didn't have an answer So i'm still on the fence on that decision um You know, I mean I don't talk to my ex anything

I mean nothing that relationship ended 20 years ago Right when I almost got him thrown off a roof in jersey because The wife was busting my ex wife was busting my balls So for me to flex my muscles They were they were they had a roofing company in jersey But they were using like non-union roofing So I called a friend of mine to rough him up a little bit go up on a roof and tell him Yeah, take the fucking that really they capitulated me with the family. There's one brother-in-law

That he's from jersey and he's tight that motherfucker still hasn't fronted me back on Facebook there's still a friend request sent From like every year he says no Just hanging around there. No not today motherfucking joey But I got out of that when I got out of that marriage it sent ripples true And I feel bad because her parents are really nice people and they're very good to me So I I think about them all the time in fact in In that fucking movie the accountant that the the guy's name was ray king

Oh, yeah, that was his name ray king. They were very good to me man. So I always feel guilty about that. I still have my anger issues about the x y right because There's some issues that people have but then there's some issues that people have I was raised not to let Somebody have the better half of you, you know, she pretty much yanked that kid from me What have I done You know, I'm sure 20 years ago. They would have been in the fucking hole But my goal to be honest. He was to come out of here

And if shit didn't work out on the way back east I was gonna stop over and stab them both I mean that was the plan at that point if you're gonna go go deep We won't I hope we've all learned something from paolo escapado. He blew up a plane Okay, you want to fuck with me? I'll blow up a fucking plane. Look what happened to him and you're still here. Yeah, but The situation was that's how angry I was. I'm not that angry no more You know what man, who knows what would happen between me and my daughter now? Who the fuck knows, you know, who the fuck knows It's been god knows since I talked to her There's some stuff, man

It's like that's the thing is like that's either a stopping point or a starting point and I was talking to a friend last night and like Talking about like oh Do you ever still be like ashamed of the ways that you've been or ways of being or et cetera, et cetera? And I go I go I go no I go but You know, there's there's some stuff that you just got to live with there's some stuff You can't make better You can just be more available be better suited to be helpful if you could be helpful But there's some shit that fucking you're pennant like that that whole thing I go

You know, you're not you're not punished for the sin At some certain fucking date. There ain't no judgment day, man You're punished by the sin right now by doing it when you're wearing as pops and your consciousness rises you're at a point where The thing tortures you and that's why you don't act those ways and like and and some stuff You just got to swallow and you got to live with it And and then and then I think you know, I think the same thing you just be available I tell myself six days a week that I'm gonna swallow it and live with this

my DNA Never allowed Do you know what I am Like Nietzsche said a man without a plan is not a man I'm in no danger of dying in a prison. No, do I want to I have finally normalized my life this november I did the biggest goal of my life because I thought I got off that white fucking devil Something I did for 37 of my 54 fucking years

And did it well and did it constantly and did it with no I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, that's what I want. You know, when I got you're one of those I only know a couple guys like you like maybe two that They go so deep with the powder that There ain't no skinny fat like that. They're the heaviest dudes that I'd known

Like weight wise like poundage like 400 pounders And they would do coke. They would eat a plate of spaghetti and I was like, I don't like I'm I'm watching something I think is physically impossible and you're one of those guys man Like it's I can never do coke and eat but the metabolism changes to where you can keep the weight come on And be doing powder at the same time by the boat level. I didn't do powder in that my my my The the thing that saved me for years was I was never a daytime guy I was not a daytime guy. I wasn't a bumper all day Somebody had that right those are like salesmen or something right? Those are new year. Those are car salesmanship

Yeah, if if in 37 years, okay in 37 years If I did coke 25 times in the daytime It was it meant that I couldn't wait Like I was the type of person that it and it meant I was going all night Oh, yeah, then if it went from the night before that's something complete that don't count right right I'm talking about I I worked with guys like rob dando. I worked with this guy That would get into work with a lunchbox With bags under his eyes. He would sleep all night

But from seven to four when he was doing construction It was straight on It was something that I had never seen before right, you know It was like in the 70s when you'd watch tv and I came to your office First thing you did without even asking was turn around. No, you didn't offer You put two ice cubes in the glass you poured and you gave it to me. There was no offer And I wouldn't say no not today. I drank the fucking thing You know, I knew people that were doing coke

All day long number two Again, this is what I never understood I started comedy july 18th of 1991 same patty's day 1992 I did a show with choy baxley and to be the cool mc. I brought a grandma blow Didn't work out for me Never did blow and went on stage I did blow the night before and went on stage now if you do blow three nights in a row and you go on stage You're not gonna be you

Big difference, but I never sat in the comedy store And got on stage right that never happened because there's no You'd wait to get a package after or something the package will be in my pocket burning a hole that motherfucker If you don't remember that in between the room gotta go the green room with joe rogan that in between I couldn't wait till the second show started Because I would bring joe up and I wouldn't even say goodbye to you motherfucker. Bye. It's not even no There was no goodbye when joe go and then you guys would text me page me and there was no calling nobody back Not once got a text back

Nothing nothing you're in no danger whenever when I was snorting and I was on my well, maybe we'll see him on the plane I guess on the way back. Yeah, he was knocking the door on the way down joe you coming. Yeah, and I'd be clean I wouldn't be you know, sometimes I'd stop snorting at two and we would get on the plane at like nine Or something like that. I'd start snorting at six in the morning. We were getting on the plane at 11 There were those situations but it was so weird how the I was always a nighttime guy at eight o'clock on the way to the store I would pick it up put it in my pocket in my right top pocket

I would dangle. I would dangle. I would talk to you the whole time I'd just be looking at you just thinking what is this motherfucker gonna get out of my face Right so I could get on stage and do this fucking spot Because once I do that spot, I'm coming right out here and I'm doing the line And I'm gonna go into that bar and get a drink and that's the rest of my fucking night And guess what fucking lee gave me the floor. He owed me. So I'm gonna buy another two packages I mean, that was my lifetime. That was my life. Who am I kidding? Yeah, so it was For me to think about november 8th of this year

And think to myself it was 10 years since I last did a line of coke Something that I would snore when I was When I first got into comedy I made myself a deal. I said if I'm gonna do this The other thing I'm not gonna wrestle with is this cocaine decision I'm not gonna do that tape I did a year of that All right guys tonight's my last night of cocaine guys. This is it No, and I wouldn't even snore with people at the end. I would say to myself. This is the last night

I never did that. There was a day. I looked at myself in the mirror and said I'm a junkie This is who I am And this is what I'm gonna do. I know I can't snore seven days away But I'm gonna go. Let me give the old Yankee try. I'm going for three nights And that's what I did. I was very content Doing coke three four nights a week and sleeping three nights. I was very content because I knew that's what I was gonna do Yeah, I wasn't gonna wrestle with it no more

The only time I wrestled with it was my last two years That was the worst ever that was the worst when I knew it had to stop For many reasons it had to stop for the comedy It had to stop for my relationship It had to stop for my heart. It had to stop for the sleep apnea It just had to stop there was no towards the end the last maybe nine months I was getting electro shocks in my spine in the middle of the night That's when you know

It's not good crazy I'm talking like just out of the blue No, shit. Yeah. No, no, no, no, and then it started getting upper And higher and higher and at one point I started feeling just in my fucking neck And I think it was two months after that I had a sharp pain Right over here. Nobody would argue or you were healthy. Oh, no Remember when that other head was going over your shoulder?

The fuck was that that was a fucking fat ball So you said that we got the same science today. It was a fat ball. That's all it was. It was a fat a ball of fat That wasn't tumor or cancer. This is a did you get it checked out ever? Yeah, I got it taken out Okay, I didn't know I'm taking out. Yeah. I didn't know if it just went away on a What happens when you have sleep apnea your body goes into shock at night when you can't breathe So all this cortisol is released into your body at night And that's why when you see people over 300 pounds 350 There's a point where you could go up to them. You don't even need to be a neurosurgeon or a doctor that point

You go up to them tap on the back and go You got about six months before this stroke happens and it's all downhill after that. It's a life of misery You get that fat developing around This region You see it a lot on people in the midwest You go to texas you see big guys, but they have a little ball. That's where the That thing is all gets Compacted when you see people they got a bunch on their back

Once that hunch starts coming and they're about 360 they definitely got sleep apnea. That's why they got the hunch The hump because the the cortisol develops right there. And that's why when you see people over 400 pounds That that that's fucking slunching. That's just a ball of cortisol And to really separate that you got to stop putting your body into this danger It's got to be a you know every time You choke at night your body's in fucking danger. So you think they're Curing your sleep apnea that settled out a lot of stuff Well, when you don't sleep

You know people think you don't ever recover. There's no I always slept while I was last night for that You don't recover you don't recover. So not only does it throw off your glands and all but it throws off your metabolism Right, so you don't burn off as much fat in april Or march of two thousand of night of two thousand a friend of mine got a deal And I got an audition for a mobster and I had no money and I contacted him and I said listen, I'm gonna bind I got a great opportunity for a commercial, but I don't have a suit to wear

And he took me and bought me three suits In march of two thousand beautiful suits Tailored because he used to be a suit guy used to that was your thing. No. No. I'm a mobster I'm a mobster. I don't want you know, you got to wear different looks when you go for a commercial and you go for a mob commercial You got to wear a white shirt But when you go for a movie or a tv show and you're a mobster you go wearing you have a color shirt There was different things, but that's not the point of the story The point of the story tape wasn't like again, you're my brother

In march he bought me three suits in may Tailored suit Tailored suit all three pants. Nobody takes this to the laundry Right. I gained such an amount of weight that in may They were three inches away Wow, like I then I was so embarrassed to take him back to the tailor because he was gonna go What happened?

There was a point where I went from zero to 60 like I went from lurking at 285 to 360 crazy like just A month six weeks 360 at that point in my life. I was doing coke four or five nights a week I was smoking cigarettes. Yeah, I was drinking sodas And there was no sleep the sleep apnea wouldn't let me sleep

The fear had intimidated me so much that I would take five or six I'd started with four town all p.m. And let's say I would lay down at 12 15 By 115 the sleep apnea would wake me up and I would just stay up the rest of the night Fuck on those town all p.m. I'd go call for a grandma blow eat some anxiety medication. Oh Yeah My wife you come over to my wife You tell my

The one of the first things I had to do was pay for a carpet In that first apartment because I kept falling asleep at night with cigarettes in my hand My wife would wake up every night Kicking a cigarette turning it off in the carpet The whole carpet was filled with cigarette burns. You thought a junkie lived there. He did But not a heroin junkie I was a coke junkie that could not sleep at night from the town all p.m. So I would nod out and then wake up. Well, and in those days tain

I was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day And then I'd buy three packs of camo lights at night And I wouldn't go to bed till those three packs of camo lights were gone. Holy fuck Oh, we could when you saw that picture at the I remember during the longest year when I met you You brought me oxygen To put my sleep at any machine that the doctor would commit everything we'd have to force the documentation Because the producers told them if my blood pressure was ever high in a certain amount I wasn't allowed to fucking be in that movie. So that guy would sit with me for an hour every day that poor

Do you remember that guy? That's how bad his shape. I was enduring the longest yard. I met you. I was like he might die this evening I mean you're over there. You're at I remember the first time we were talking You're on a picnic table. You're rapping fucking ready to die or something and you're rapping a whole album and uh And then that who played that tranny was over there. Tracy Morgan was with me in the beginning The whole time where he followed me like a Sabbath. I had him tip top That was awesome, man

And then like you and Heather brought me the Chlorogen and stuff the oxygen and I started putting that because it was a high altitude I was a mess 90 degrees Fuck a hundred degrees 7 000 feet altitude We an easy 350 At that time 390. Yeah by the time the movie wrapped I was about 415 those pastrami sandwiches were a motherfucker Once we got appeared up and there were a motherfucker

That was uh, not very good. No, man They never been going to the ymca Getting on the scale. They gave you a free evaluation when you joined And the guy put the scale on point five And I couldn't do two minutes treadmill on the treadmill I couldn't walk two minutes on the treadmill the guy told me I had to go get in shape outside. He goes I He goes, how do you live? You can't even breathe It's a brighter day, man. It's a brighter day. We're very lucky. So it's going to be 10 years. That's as far as I'm concerned

I've been sober for 10 years. I've done more in 10 years Than I did in 37. Isn't that amazing? like that like that's what always trips me out when I look at like Doing what seems like the hard thing or the frustrating thing and I'm like, well my life rocketed after that You know and you always knew it. Fuck you always knew it Why you had that syringe in your arm or that line of coke or you were taking that pill you always knew that Or like you said just sit down and write, you know, what do you just finally do it and sit down and you're like, oh beauty comes out of this pen It was something that it was like a living in a fucking living hell like I made a decision when I was 16 or 17

I wanted to do coke and somebody said, okay, you want to do coke? I'm gonna give you fucking go because I couldn't get away from it. Take Like there was five years there where everywhere. Like if Tate said to me, are you coming to new Mexico? Stay at my friend Eddie's house. Okay. Eddie's cool as shit. But guess what his roommate did for a good job So blow that was my life I could bump into cocaine on mars. Yeah, I was one of those guys not harrowing not speed. I could find cocaine Fucking anywhere within two minutes Anywhere I moved there was a cocaine dealer somewhere around there

That was I I always knew it one time. I actually moved with a guy before I got sentenced The guy when I left that apartment where I got picked up I moved with a roommate And I'm noticing I'm sitting there one day and people coming over is now But yeah, Joey, this is Tate. How you doing Tate's profile? How you doing awesome 15 minutes later? Another guy would come over And then that night I go up to my room and I come back at ten and Two people had just left And then I would wake up at three to drink water and he'd be up downstairs Yeah, and after about a week I figured out. Oh my god. This guy sells fucking blow

So I'm about to get sentenced for doing blow right and I move him with a drug dealer It's from my neighborhood just 20 years old. I went to the vietnam war And they got to the point where every night I would watch them watching tv And I would open up his closet and I'd go in his jacket pocket And I'd take out the ounce he would bring up only and I'd take a rock out put it back in this pocket That's how easy it got like this could only happen to me Like this could only happen to me not only do I move with a drug dealer, but I know where his stash is right That was the little stash. Yeah, his big stash was in the garage in paint cans

That's where he would put the kilos and break them up into four different paint cans But he would do that coat. He was a free baser So this is where it gets even worse. I would monitor him Completely like I knew when the guy came with the package. I knew when the cash was going out Because the cash it was all run through a bodybuilding gym in Acapulco, Mexico Oh my god, you have no idea Crazy. So this guy's father was a doctor physical trainer And supposedly he would come up here with prescriptions and things right but hitting in those prescriptions

Was 20 kilos a blow And he would do that every fucking month except for the summer months Because that's when that part of mexico would be busy or the winter months So for six months he would ship him like What do you get rid of a month a kilo? Okay, so every month I'm gonna give you two kilos. You don't have to pay me for one But then once comes uh, November, you're not gonna send me till June, right? So when I come back you better have my money for the six kilos

So there was a time when I'd be living upstairs and downstairs. There'd be six kilos Fucking wild so that I would watch him And like I'd hear him free basing by this time the cat was out of the bag I knew what he did. I kept playing it off like I didn't do coke Like I did coke once in a while. He thought I was like an athlete, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah So I would wait for him to start free basing He would go through that whole bag. So I would listen for him I would get up at like six in the morning and if I would go on his jacket the jacket pocket was empty

That means he had gone through that bag and he broke into the kilo So I would My car was out in front of the garage So I would come down open him the garage He'd be in there free basing and I'd find the can because the can would be sloppy And I'd open up that can and at this point I just take my hand and I just pull out a fucking boulder And I take it with me and I break it up at the Hertz place and I'd sell it and that's how I was making a living

By taking this fucking blow disgusting I had stealing and snorting it But I would go home that night And he'd be there all depressed And I go what happened he go I went on a two binda. I went on a two-day bender I'm not gonna get this money and I go what are you talking about? He go I did a bit of an ounce and a half of coke. He didn't do an ounce and a half of coke He did a half ounce. I took an ounce with me. Yeah, he was so fucked up. He didn't know

I mean it was But this could only happen to me this shit Like these are the shit that was happening everywhere to me like anywhere. I turned to Blow was right. He gets that vibration. Yes, it is. He put out a cocaine vibrator, you know You put out a vibration you put out a sex vibration You put out like whatever the thing is that resonates in you the most man that shit draws to you and let me tell you something That's true. It's like nobody ever came to me and asked me if I want to do heroin Right when you do heroin the universe makes you bump into heroin people when you do meth

Yeah, I've had people ask me if I want to do meth. In fact, I bought meth a couple times so I couldn't find coke Yeah, but that was what till today Gets me weird. Here's the thing that killed me about cocaine sissy the cat that died last year. We had it for 10 years The first Seven years she was around I did coke. She wouldn't even have contact with me A week after I stopped doing coke. She became my favorite cat of all time. I couldn't get her off me That cocaine energy she felt that as a cat and she stopped fucking me. So the moral of the story is Cats know if you're doing fucking tuturuts

Stop doing tuturuts. That's the fucking moral of the story right there I'm happy you motherfuckers got together. Yeah, that's it. They listen and people know Whatever you're doing when you're drunk on alcohol and you're fucking in the hole You know what the answer is. We all know it, bro. Sure, you know today everybody and what's that too because there's so much help around There's so many fucking I mean Take me find your answers when you want them mean you've been down a mean you were down a great fucking road If somebody pulled up to us With the fucking hand of life, we still turned them down

It wasn't till we made our decision that our lives changed We got how I don't want to do told me once I go man. I love that All the gifts you got guy I fucking like and he goes he goes fuck that kid He goes your gifts are gonna be better because they're gonna be yours And that is the thing man. Don't don't ever don't ever want for anybody else's life, man Yours is the one that fits Lee, what'd you think of a massage from zeal? You got it a couple days? What for valentine's day? Yeah, uh, the weekend the weekend of valentine's day ahead. It was my first massage ever

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