Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #461 - Fahim Anwar

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Fahim Anwar, a standup comedian and actor seen in "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot,"  joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.    Fahim has a new special, "There's No Business Like Show Business," which premiers March 9th, 2017 on Seeso.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron - Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first three meals free and free shipping! Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.  Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 03/05/2017.  

This podcast is brought to you by Blue Apron, the show is presented by on it. This podcast is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. They're amazing. I just got my dad. I got him a whole new kitchen set up so he can try it. He's really excited. I love it. He loves it. You're going to love it. Go to blueapron.com right now slash Joey and you're going to get your first three meals for free with free shipping. That's blueapron.com slash Joey. This show is also brought to you by Lyft. Go to lyft.com slash Joey today and sign up to drive for Lyft. Lyft drivers can make up to $35 an hour and getting started is just a tap away.

Sign up today at lyft.com slash Joey and when you complete 100 rides in 30 days, you're going to get a $500 driver bonus. That's lyft.com slash Joey. Today, coxsuckers. Little East Orange guitar coming at you. Cooling the motherfucking gang. What? Get it up. Django bogey. Faheen Anwar. Uncle Joey Diaz. And my little Jewish Goomba. Here we go, coxsuckers.

I've been bumping this way before pulp fiction, coxsuckers, with black people smoking chocolate Thai weed and shit. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. Two joints and some jungle bogey. Who's better than fucking you on a Monday morning? Uncle Joey here, my main man. Faheen Anwar. A badass fucking comedian from the store that I look at and I go, Jesus Christ, he's a savage. Sometimes he's got long hair, sometimes he's got a hat on. I don't know who the fuck he is. And I got my main man, Lisa. How was your weekend, Doug? I had dabs last night. I actually went out and was like an actual human being last night. I went to someone's house where I went to vikipeds and we grilled.

Dabs are, they have dabs now. You don't have to have the whole rig. They just have the part that you smoke it through and they have the torch. Those are fun. I don't know why, I don't know. I don't know why either. I don't even know why the fuck I ask you. Anyway, they're fun. Wait, the eyebrows go on fire and you spit and fuck them blood. The only one who's going to burn my eyebrows off is you. You always have the lighter on the highest setting. I don't know how you, Jerry, rig your lighters. I've never seen lighters. I only fucking like lighters that provide a lot of fire. You know what I'm saying? Those little fucking lighters. Like the butane ones? Yeah. I know exactly how to juice those things up, like a mini bike. No, he doesn't have a

butane one. He has the regular ones. No, I got the regular ones too. I know exactly. Once they get low, I get those motherfuckers. That's a low one right there, but this is my travel one. In case the plane goes down, boom, I got a little lighter and shit. You always got to have lighters on the plane though. I don't play it by that fucking rules. Were you ever a Zippo guy? What's a Zippo? Oh, one of those metal ones where you can, you know, the top flips up. There's too much drama. I bought one in high school just to do all the tricks. You too? Yeah. I would YouTube, it was like so nerdy, just to like YouTube how to flip them around. You know, I think it's a pain in the ass. I got to take a tube once a week and fill it up. Yeah. God knows who's smoking around me.

Next thing you know, I'm like, Barton's blowing up. Just give me the fucking blue lighter there, 99 cents. Yeah, but it's kind of cool that once you just spark it, it's on. You don't have to hold the thing down. You know, it's classic. It's got advantages. And listen, when I get a blowtorch, I got a blowtorch in my truck and it's, you know, I don't know. I just like these little things. You get rid of them, you throw them away. Those are the gold standard though. They're so easy and cheap. I don't want to, you know, people get mad at me. You need to use a string when you smoke where I want. Leave me alone. Oh, you're not a hand work kind of guy? Yeah, hand work. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm just trying to put the pieces together, smoke dope. I gave up edibles for lent. That's it.

You know, listen, guys, there's no reason why I should be opening up a show with 1500 milligrams of T8C. I mean, that's just fucking animalistic type shit. I came to terms with myself about 10 days ago. What am I doing? I went home one night and ate like a fucking another three stars I had in the desk. By one o'clock, I couldn't even go to sleep. Shit was running through my mind. You went home from a podcast and ate more stars? Like one night I went home from a podcast and I wasn't, I wasn't tired. So I blasted 600 more milligrams, like 2100 milligrams. The next one I woke up, I couldn't do nothing all day. I was like, God, my kidneys hurt and shit. My gallbladder hurts. I'm like, this has to stop. This has to stop. I got to switch the pills. I got to do something.

I got to go like a Puerto Rican fucking pharmacist to hook me up with something just it's a fucking nightmare. Then you go online. You get pills online. Did you know that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm from Canada. It takes like a week. Well, you don't need a prescription or anything. They just send you whatever. No, they send you whatever. I haven't done it, but I heard like whenever I go to like those porn sites, they have ads for like the generic Seattle's you can buy for like 10 cents a pill. I think it's just Canadian pharmacies and they just somehow, I mean, how do you know you're not getting fucked though? Oh yeah, you have no idea. It's a low milligram. They got your address next thing next to send you a fucking bomb. I don't need this shit in my life.

What happened to the fucking dude in the corner shaking with scabs on his face? You're like a brick and mortar, that shady guy. Listen, that's why I didn't, for years, I held on the medical marijuana license. They started making good edibles because I always thought that took the suspense out of it. The whole suspense is going to a dealer's house and being all creepy and going to your car and hiding in the trunk. The ritual of driving home and stopping and getting a six pack and rolling papers and lighters and ice cream. You're walking into a store, but now what the fuck? Now it's at your doorstep. Now it's at your fucking doorstep, so, but that took a little bit of that patois off, that making your heart beat. That's what

you're doing, to be illegal. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck knows? What's in your world talking about? What do I got? I don't know, man. Just stand up, see you out and about, been doing that and then the special coming out, trying to promote that and audition every now and then. You know, same thing. So you grew up in Seattle. Yeah, from Seattle. High school, the whole fucking thing. Yeah, elementary, everything. Were you around for grunge? I was, but I was. The talent? No, I was in like the heyday, like, uh, 94. How old were you three? No, I'm born in 84, so. Really? Yeah, so nine. I was nine. What was that part? They would go to Pearl Jam, that big part. What, what? With the metal tubes and shit. Wait, what do you mean?

There's the poster of. Oh, there's like a famous Pearl Jam poster or something? Yeah, and there's, but I went to that park. I was on Seattle Heavy. Yeah. From the U district. Yeah, I went to University of Washington. No shit. Yeah, I was there. I used to rent the paddle boats. Okay. Oh, yeah. I'm like Washington. I'm like Washington, you know me. That's awesome. That's awesome stuff. The summer's. Seafair. Do you do seafair? Seafair. I went to the fucking place to watch the concerts at that Gorge. The Gorge. Oh, the Gorge, yeah. The Gorge. I did all that shit up there. I was a, I was a starving comic up there. I lived with a stripper and like you, we got this, we got this. Well, I didn't live with this. No. I lived with my parents.

It was a little more straight. We got to meet Ron Reed. Yeah, I remember Ron. Ron's great. And the other guy, what's it? Carl. Carl Womanhoven. I lived down the beach, a sea beach. What is it? Oh, Alkai? Alkai. Oh man. That's, that's a dope place. You're right, man. When there was Taco Tuesdays up the corner at the biker bar. And what about that chicken teriyaki place you talked about? Yeah, with Josh Wolfe. There was right next to Swannies, bro. There was a chicken teriyaki. Still there? No. I don't know. It's been 20 years. Like the Warren, it's a motherfucker. I can't make a comeback in Seattle because that fucking Warren, but you know what, man? I think it's time to call Greg Powers and Lynn and get the Warren fuck. I'm going to go visit Ivan Salivary. Who'd be nice

to go back up there and walk around. Yeah, I like it. That was a great little place. It was just one of those places for me that it was just a bad, it was the tail end of my bad luck days. Like it was the tail end. Like I went up there and it was something to test my comedy. Like to test my loyalty to comedy. Like, what brought you out there? So were you, you were East Coast dude before that? I was a Denver dude. I was a Boulder dude in comedy. Now in Boulder at the time, here I am trying to, there's different types, there's different types of level of frustration in comedy. You move to LA, you don't get spots, your friends are getting spots. That's one frustration. The frustration at the time for me living in Boulder was there was no spots.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like. It was fucking brutal. Monday nights was an Australian bar, eight people always, drunks. Like it wasn't really, they weren't Australians. They were white people, but it was like an outback type bar. Right. You know, Wednesday, Tuesday was the comedy works. Wednesday it was Club 52 and Thursdays was that Mexican place by Burbank, El Torrito. You know, that's 16 spots a month. Yeah, that's not much. That's not much. And every once in a while they would say, ah, he were here last week and that's not guaranteed the comedy works. You know, the clubs didn't really give you guests sets on the weekends. You know, so I was frustrated, you know, and I started going on the road and I went to Michigan,

I met a girl and I went up to Seattle. She went to Seattle. I had had enough of fucking Boulder. I was going through a divorce, a thousand things. I said, let me go up there. I mean, I went up to Seattle and immediately I was doing 25 sets a month and getting paid for half of them. You know, getting a hundred dollars, 75 dollars. When you're fighting for your life, those things help, you know, they really fucking help you. But how was the scene before you left? When, how long have you been in Los Angeles? How long have I been? I came in 2012, I think. Yeah. You've done a lot of things, right? Guy called. Yeah, here and there. Yeah. I've gotten some things like, I mean, stand up. I've been doing

forever. Like I've been doing that 14 years and then, but when you come to LA, you do other stuff too. You'll audition for stuff. Did you want it or did you just want to be a comedian? No, I wanted to. Like I wanted to do it all, but I love stand up and I'm always going to do that. And because the other stuff is so fickle and fleeting. Like sometimes you get something and then sometimes you don't, but you have a spot every night. You can count on that. And that's always going to keep you relevant. Even when you go through a dry spell, people will see you do stand up and then it puts you in the game for auditioning for something or maybe booking a role. So that stuff is fun, but I love stand up. Me too. When I got here, it was funny how

I came here to be a stand up, but there was no way. Like they just didn't want me, but Mitzi liked me. But that's the biggest person. That was it. That's the only person you needed to like you. Yeah, that was it. That was it. As long as Mitzi liked me. And she gave me spots off the jump. And she didn't like everybody. She's notorious and there's stories for passing on legends. Yeah. She was, she, she fucking was a great lady to me, but that was it. No Montreal. Nobody wanted to represent me for comedy. I was too dirty. It was like a fucking struggle. You know, it's like a struggle sometimes and makes me want to keep them going under. But you're right. You keep progressing down here. You, when I got down here, my manager

goes, you just want to do stand up. You don't want to act. He goes, you're not going to make a living down here. And what do you mean? I go out every night. He goes, nah, you need to. And when he said commercials, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'll do that still. Sometimes I'll go off for commercial and a heartbeat. Yeah, I would go off for a commercial now. And at this point in my life, I'm begging for a commercial. Really? You still want to do commercials? I would do a commercial now with a heartbeat. But they, but you would want to be presented. They'd be like, yo, Joey, we want you to do this. Then you would do that, but you're not going to go to the cattle call at this point. You're too big. You're too big. No, I'm the type of guy

like that. You still do that. I like it. Do you give me the opportunity to be chilling with 20 other actors waiting to go in and go in? You see people you haven't seen in the, you know, the auditioning game here was like my social life for a while. I can't lie to you. You know, I had no social life. I did drugs at night at the comedy store after I got on stage. There's no social life. You know, you hang out with a bunch of comics, but it was really weird when I tapped into the act. Like I actually went to acting class. I went to a Venetian, but I was serious about it. And it was very interesting because I got to see a different taste. I got to learn how to hustle acting work. That's a whole other animal. And that's a whole other animal. So I'm watching all

these guys that come out here, you know, they just think to themselves from there, I want to be an actress and they don't really know what goes into it. They come out here and they, I would go to that class and feel bad for after people. I would want to go up to them, go commit for a second, go back and work for that. This ain't gonna worry you. Yeah. Isn't it the beauty though of being a stand-up comedian in an acting class is that they kind of jaded, but you have yourself aware. They thought I was a God. Yeah. They thought I was a God. It was the weirdest fucking thing. I would do the scenes and they would clap because you have a natural ability and you can, yeah, the state because we go up every night and we have that gear and then they come up to me and go,

well, you were a stand-up and I swear to God, they would come to the Congress with their boyfriends or sisters or mothers and leave there with their jaws dropped. Yeah. Like they would go in a second, Chris Rock just went up. I don't get it. You're here, Chris Rock. Like they would look and it was like, I tapped into that game and I'm like, wait a second, I'm going to attack this because these motherfuckers aren't seeing what I'm saying. Yeah. Like they just go to auditions. There's got to be a different way. And the beauty is because we've got stand-up, taking up a lot of our time and we have that. Like when we go to class or whatever, I did it for like a month or two before I realized it wasn't for me, but just observing some of the actors,

they just drink the Kool-Aid. Like anything the acting teacher says to do, they'll do it. They'll make a vision board. They'll bust out the glue stick and cut out magazine things, thinking that's going to help them get a role. Guys, it's crazy if you're homeless. It's this weird, like Kumbaya, they'll do, they just want to book a role and we'll do anything the teacher tells them to. Or as a stand-up, I'm like, yeah, I just want to run some scenes. I don't want to fucking glue some shit together. How fucking boring was that when you get together on Tuesdays with some kid that doesn't know dick about dick? You even asked him like after an hour, have you even watched the movie? Do you even know about beats and shit? Because this is, you know,

what's always killed me and I don't want nobody at home to take this wrong and don't take this wrong is how, you know, what you got acting class and have coach and her name is Ivanka. She was under what's his name, but then some big black motherfucker like Queen Latifa dubs herself off and says, let me give this a whack. And she starts making you look like a fucking asshole because look at Ice Cube. You think he went to acting class? Or Jennifer Hudson, Oscar? Yeah, you know, it's this, it's, you know, I always felt when I got here, I'm the type of guy I want to get formal training and everything. If you send me Joey, I think you need this. I'll go hunt the best person and I'll figure out. There's value in it. There is value in it.

I will continue. There's value in it, but sometimes there's this other stuff. I didn't believe the cult. I didn't believe the cult. There's some cult-ish shit that you don't need. Havana Chubbock and the Chickons on La Brea are the cults. She still sends me fucking emails to cult. I found the like, you know, which one I'm talking about? I don't know, but they're all the same kind of like, no, no, no. And then there used to be the one on fountain, whether you have to still not stand that side. Oh, wait. Tell me that's still there. I don't go on there. I've driven by one and it's like 80 people out there going over side. Yeah. And you never hear about those people like some drunk guy losing control and hitting them with a car. Like never. They're out there

and cars are doing 100 and nobody's ever hit those 18 fucking idiots. It's a god damn. I mean, you feel so because it's true. They do drink the Kool-Aid. I never figured out. I never figured out what it was. I had Lysnata. Do you know that one of my friends worked at CAA that me and him walked into a Vanna Chubbock together in 1999. We stayed friends until about 2000, 2001, maybe. And then I, James Coburn on a stupid hundred-dollar-day movie goes, you quit acting class. Right. I know I was doing Arliss. Oh, shit. And I had the whole two days with him. And I said, do you think acting class really helps me? Because you have natural instincts quit right now. I mean, talking about the best, the best thing to have told you. But then your agents are like, oh,

maybe you're not getting auditions because you're not in acting class. So I went to the cult on LeBray. She was chick. Pretty cute. She looks like Tina Fey kind of saw the, she would always audition with her socks on and shit. Her husband would live in the mountains. All Jewish chicks kind of sort of look like Tina Fey. This one looks like Tina Fey. What the fuck was her name? And she would run those kids through the mill. I mean, it was like a slave factory. First of all, you had to pay for your classes and intern. It was like Scientology. I've always thought this about LA. Like no one's really religious out here, right? But, but there's parallels. Like acting teachers are the churches of LA and God is booking.

You're right. Yeah. Yeah. All those people drink the lemonade from the acting teachers. Yeah. I never looked. I have, I have a guy that I wanted to come on here. He helped me. He helped me get analyzed that. He told me to use my eyes more and stuff because it's like, it's like Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson was the worst basketball player in the world. But he was a great coach. Yeah. More than 18 championships. There's that effect of it. He did an episode of Cold Case that he was so bad on that episode. Yeah. He was the acting coach. Some people are like that. They're good at breaking things down. Oh yeah. He was brilliant. I think he coached me for analyze that before I booked it for the

audition. I went to New York and I did, I wrote down all his notes and he booked me for something else I got. And I was like, I like this guy. Then he got sick for a while and then he made a comeback and now he runs something in Hollywood like something big. Like he's part of the acting studio and everything. But it was always, he teach with the hat, with the Apple hat. Then he had like six motherfuckers in there that were taking everything, his breathing class for $92, his movement class. Come on. We learned that at the comedy store. You learned that at the comedy store. There's one day that you're breathing, your jokes and your body language all become one. It's a fucking great step. Yeah. I've always found stand-ups. We're always trying.

The more you do stand up, the closer you get to who you really are and acting is the complete opposite of that. They're trying to be everybody but themselves. It's interesting. It makes sense. It makes sense. I just always, I always heard rumors like Eddie Griffin caused a lot of havoc at the store. I loved him. I was there around that time, but I hear these stories and I love hearing about the store. He would cause havoc, but let me tell you somebody Griffin, man. He told you good comedic advice. I remember him telling me one night, he goes, you'll never see a stand-up comic on the Harrison Ford movie. Why's that?

He don't want them on the set. That timing's too good. He goes, there's a lot of actors that wouldn't work opposite of stand-up comic because their timing's too fucking good. Our timing's deadly. And at the store, your timing gets real in the original room. Oh. I call the original room the X-Men training room. There's no other club like it. Can't take it away from you. You could score me a felon. You call me a fat speck. You would call me a thousand. Don't you ever install my comedy bitch because you looked down at that code. You know that carpeting at the store? No, for the same part.

There's a Rogan's dog took a shit one time on stage. The dog was going crazy in the car, so Rogan brought the dog on stage. So Rogan was like Eliza for a little bit, just bringing the dog all the time? No, no, no, no. He would bring everyone so wide. He was single. He was young. He had this pit bull. He said, let me take him for a ride. And he put him in the car, but the dog would see his friends and start barking, get excited. So one night, Rogan was me, Paulie show his friend, and Joe, when it was like a Monday night, it was slow, and Joe goes, hold on, he wouldn't stop barking. He could hear Joe's voice.

So Joe told, what's his name? Bring the dog up. And the dog went on stage, within five minutes, it took a shit in the original room. And next thing you know, Paulie's friend was in there, scrubbing it in between comedians and shit. You couldn't write this down. People have forgotten completely about that. I'm gonna bring it up to him next time I see him. Frank, God rest his soul. That was the name of the dog. That stage, I've died on that stage. Oh, I have too, man. A thousand times. But it's great. It's therapeutic even doing that.

No, that's what exactly what it is. There's nothing like it. And we repeat this constantly. Coming home from a weekend in Charlotte, we just destroyed. You destroyed. People were taking pictures with you, and you walk into that original room with a little bit of ego. And all of a sudden the fucking curtains falling on you. That drive home is miserable. You're like, what the fuck was that about? Yeah, that'll happen. You'll do like a late night set or something. And then the next day, there's like five people in the crowd. I mean, it doesn't happen all the time, but that's the beauty of stand-up. This is very humbling. You'll do a great thing and then...

How long have you been a regular at the store? I got passed 2010, so like seven, seven years. So when you first got passed, was it as busy as it is now? No, man. Like, it's in the golden age right now? Yeah, it's in the golden age. And I got passed when Tommy was there. And it wasn't like it is now. It stays good pretty late because it goes till 2 a.m. at the store. How good at night does it stay good?

What now? How's the midnight spots? They're still pretty good, man. No shit. Yeah, I remember when I would get like midnight or later. 12.45. Yeah, and it would just be... Even 11.30 would be Slim Pickens back in the day. But now it's packed because like Rogan's back, you're back, and like

like Apatow comes by and all these guys are coming back. All these guys are coming back. So it's packed every night now. But yeah, I wasn't like that when I was there. I remember going down there. How about this? Going down there and waiting to get four people to start the show and begging that they stay. So you get the $15. Begging, please don't. Please. I've been here since fucking nine waiting for a fallout.

Just in case I might, something's like go home early because you'd have like a... I'd have like a one o'clock. Mitch even give me one and I would have to follow Paul Mooney. So I would be sitting down there with Coke in my pocket dying to do a line. Dying to do a line, but this motherfucker won't put me on stage. And there'd be four people. An interesting story. One night, you know, comedy used to be Tuesday through Sunday. Back in the day, when I first came out, it was Tuesday through Sunday.

So if you went on the road, you came home Monday. And you left Monday night or Tuesday morning. You did Wednesday radio, Thursday radio. Oh shit. Yeah. So when I got here, it was Tuesday. What the fuck was my point? Jesus Christ, I gotta stop smoking pot. It's a golden age now.

But during the week, the store would have, you know, four people. Tuesdays when it was black night. And that's a big main room. You'd have eight people in the original room. You'd be down the road at... I met a medger a little more. Che Davis. Oh, I always hear about...

Doublants. Doublants, wait and walk over. But Pete, when he bought the last stop in Houston, said, you know what, Joey? I don't want to close Monday and Tuesday. People want to come in and drink. What do you think I should do Tuesday? I go, just bring down the headliner, you know?

So for a while, he started bringing down headliners. I went down there one Tuesday. There's maybe 12 people. You know, man, I whizzed them into a fucking... You know, when there's 12 people, you're not going to sit there and do your material. You're going to go in there and mix, talk, ask questions. But I mixed... It was one of those lucky nights where I mixed everything up together,

and it was turning to be the one of the best hours I ever did for 14 and a half people. That happens, and it's great. And Pete came up to me down on the drive home, and he goes, I've been running this club for three years. I had never saw that. He goes, most comics go on stage and give up. About six months later, Johnny Sanchez went down there. It was another comic from the store.

Yeah, I know Johnny. That we were working hard. Then it was me, Johnny, Luke Torres, you know, Pierre. And the same thing happened on Tuesday. I think there was like nine people. Johnny went up there and whipped them up into a frenzy. And I remember Pete calling me and going, I know the difference between a comic store comic and a comic now.

Because I just saw it when you guys said... Because nobody else comes in here on Tuesdays. Everybody just bails. Everybody else sees nine people. They complain, they bail. They get defeated, they're like, they don't want to do it. But we had to deal with that every night going up. You were just happy to get a spot.

And those people are still in those chairs. So they want to be there. So you think that if you go up there with a bad attitude, that of course they're going to be disengaged. So we've learned just like love your audience, no matter who it is. I grew up there for four people, man. And I'd go up there and fucking put my life into it.

Like I would leave there going, Jesus Christ, how hard? Like in my mind, I started looking forward to empty rooms at the store during the week. I like that too, man. Like I just finished my special. And I like... Oh, you're in hell right now, aren't you? But I like getting late, late night spots at the store

because there's really no stakes. It can be loose. I can run some ideas where if it's packed and like I'm following Rogan or something, like I can't do that shit. It's a horror show. It's a horror show. Because it's a...

You just trying to keep up. Yeah, you try to keep up. So you got to bring out the A shit. But when you're building, there's nothing like like a half filled or one third filled OR and just having fun, trotting out ideas. And I love that. It's not a bad idea, man.

Yeah. So I kind of... Right now I want the late night spots. What's worse? Is there a difference between like a comedy store for people or if like they're on the road and there's four people at like... Well, if you're on the road,

we're at a point now where if we do the road, there's not going to be four people. No one's hiring us to come out to do four people, you know? It's almost impossible for us to do bad on the road at this point. You know what I mean? Right? Like do you ever...

I mean, you can have shows that aren't as good as... You know, if it snows one night and you're in Buffalo and it snows 2,000 fucking inches, only die-hards are going to come out, but we'll make the... In my mind, I'll go crazy for those 40 people. Yeah.

Like I'll pull shit out of my ass. I'll go into such a... Like I'll start drinking. I don't drink, but I'll start drinking because they made the effort. So who the fuck am I? Fuck it. I don't drink, but tonight,

because you motherfuckers are here, I'm buying you a drink and I'm drinking with you, you know? Yeah. Those are the things that... They fire you up, but they all go back to the comedy store. To that Commando-style comedy, I learned at the comedy store.

That's all I could call it, Commando-style comedy. Because it's the hardest room in the world, and when we go out and do somewhere else, just a fraction of what we learn in the OR goes so much further on the road. Yeah. I'm really lucky around the original. Even now, when I go in there,

like I said, I'm getting anxiety in there. Especially now, you look those line-ups and you're like, Jesus Christ, I can't even breathe here. You know, you gotta go down there, fall out to Leah. Are you fucking kidding me? That's like going to the lecture chair, that was steak. Let me go follow Leah in the main room. I have to follow you sometimes,

and that's... I get anxiety over that, like... But you do well. I sit there in the back flight five minutes, and then listen, I go, you... But it's the same thing though, where you gotta... Because when the comedy store posts their line-ups on Instagram, I'll see who I'm after, and I'll know, just energy-wise, kind of like,

okay, I can kind of like rest easy. Not that they're good comics, but their energy matches yours, hitting the stage. But if some, like, you're like a bulldozer, you're like a juggernaut, you're such a character, you know? So, and they're so amped up, like, after you get off, and I come up there, I'm like, hey, guys, you know, like, what's up, mother, when you come out?

Like, everybody knows you. Like, there's a shorthand when people see you, like, I know this guy. Even if they don't know you, they know you, you know what I mean? But when I come up, I'm like, hey, what's up? They're feeling you out, like, what's this guy about? The reason why I go up there with so much energy is because of my fear.

Because, let me tell you something, I'll do a 40-minute set in 18 minutes at the store. I'll fuck your world up, Jack. I'll just do all punchlines. I'll go up there and just say one thing, and just lay into all the punchlines and that thing. That's what I love about the store. And you don't have to stop.

You could just lay, like, I went up at the store, but I haven't taken a breath. Like, I'll just lay into them and look around, and they're scattered. It's like the Outlaw Josie Wales came in here. I remember the first time I took my dick out at the store on a Friday night. I heard, wasn't Arsh if you were doing that for a little bit?

Like, I would hear stories. We would do the craziest shit up there, but one night on a Friday night, I went up there and something happened with Bobby Lee. And then something happened. The girl started yelling at Rogan. And I went up there and she started yelling, and they go, enough. Unless you're gonna fucking come up here

and fucking do something, whatever, shut your mouth. And she goes, what do you mean? I go, come up here and show your pussy. And she goes, I'll show my pussy if you show your dick. Get on up here, you little fucking bat. She went up to this little ugly girl, went up on stage and pulled her pants down and showed her a little ugly pussy.

It looked like somebody hit her with a slingshot, right? The fucking place was packed, and the outside went up to the glass. Like an aquarium? Like an aquarium. Everybody was looking. So I'm like, Diaz, Diaz. It's Friday.

It's a corridor one. The place is packed. They put the house lights on. I took the fucking cube and that girl out. People started throwing money at me. I made like 82 dollars. That's more than you get doing stand-up. Fuck yeah.

You're like, I got to close with this more often. Sometimes I take my dick out and just go up on stage and see how long it would take. Before somebody noticed. The best when I do the Judy Conciati, she'd go on stage and I'd go behind the bar. Oh, that back entrance to the... And I'd open up the curtain naked while she was on stage.

Did she know? No. So she'd be getting laughs. And she'd get on stage going, my God, I did so well tonight. It wasn't her. It was that I was behind the completely naked, opening up the fucking curtain, closing it. It was, you know, but that was...

Vinny Favreira would go to the store and put a fart machine under the chairs. And we wait for Holtzman to go on. And he'd start fucking with the fart machine. And Holtzman would lose his mind. Who keeps farting in here? You know, that's what it's all about though. That's why you become a fucking comic.

You don't get a nine to five, you know? So you go to the University of Washington, you go on to school, you're being a good boy. Yeah, all that. You're working at the salmon place selling salmon? Iver? No, Pike Place? Pike Place. Yeah, I wasn't there.

I was just doing school and comedy. That's it. Then I graduated at the engineering degree, got out and then I got a job in the... I was just applying to jobs in Southern California because I knew I wanted to be out here and then do stand-up at night. But I had to get out here.

So then I got a job at Boeing in Long Beach. So they hired me and I was doing like a stress analysis on the planes, you know? And then I would drive up at night and do stand-up. And then I would drive back, do work, do it all over again for three and a half years. But I mean, there's worse jobs. There's people...

Yeah, no, no, no. ...porn cement. Like, I'm going to cubicle. I've got two monitors. You could take a nap and you should close your eyes and put sunglasses on. That is fucking crazy. And one day...

And what's your mom and dad think at this time? You're just working. I'm working. Like, they're not... Like, they were cool with me doing drama and like skits and stuff in high school. But then once they could tell that I wanted to make a career out of it,

then they got a little nervous. Like, even when I was in engineering school and I was doing stand-up, they're still like worried that I was doing this other thing, you know, and that I wanted to do it. And then when I was working at Boeing, I was still doing stand-up. And then when I left, especially,

I mean, I'm leaving an engineering job and they're like, what are you doing? Insurance for one day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that stuff. All that stuff, right? They lost their minds. Yeah, because that's a known entity. That's a known quantity.

Being an engineer for X number of years, get a house, get a car, blah, blah, blah. XYZ with a regular life. Stand-up. There's no path for that. They don't know anybody's kids who are doing that. There's no, if you're a lawyer, there's a path. If you're a doctor, there's a path.

Stand-up just seems like a pipe dream. But I'm close to it. I know that there is a way to do it. It's just too foreign to them. Do you have brothers and sisters? I got a brother. He's a dentist. That doesn't make it fucking easy. But at least I feel like they're one for two, you know?

I mean, like, he did the good thing. They're successful in that regard. He took the heat off by being a dentist, I think. Listen, man, I say this fucking constantly. I say this constantly. And in the next five years, or the next two years, there's going to be a report to back my claim up. You're not ready at 18 to make a decision

about your fucking life, man. Yeah, it's kind of crazy, man. You're not fucking ready at 18 to make a decision about your fucking life, man. You're not ready at 18 to make a decision about your life. Why do we become parents and push our children to fucking make a decision at 18 or even 20? Nobody in this room.

I know you're an engineer. I'm not mean to disrespect anybody. Nobody knows at 20 what the fuck they really want to do. And then one day you raise your fucking hand and you're in there two years and you go on TV and you see some guy putting fucking cigarettes up his ass home. You're like, you know what? I dreamt that as a child. I'm going to do that.

And now, but now you're stuck. Now you got a loan. You got your mom proud of you. She cut the clips out. You made it to five bag of cappa. And now you graduate. And now what, bro? Yeah.

Now you go into a job that you really don't want to do. You just want to put cigarettes out in your ass home and make $10 a cigarette, right? That's all you want to do with your fucking life, man. But no, you get this job. Now it starts to drink it. Now you meet a chick and you knock her up and you have a kid.

But guess what? She's one of those chicks that you knock up and they say two tanks are in her ass now. Now you got to walk around with this fucking monster and that when a job you hate, with a kid who's uglier than you are, because now you got your what? It's a fucking night, man.

You wake up one day and you're 38. You're like, what the fuck did I do? And there's the path. That starts everything. That's the drinking, the drugs, the divorce. You're unhappy. You have a, not even a midlife crisis. You don't even want to do your fucking job no more, man.

This isn't what you want to do in the first place, but you got yourself in such a big fucking hole with that fat fucking the kid in the fucking house with the lawn because America's soldier is America's soldier is. And bro, I bought it. I bought it when I came out of prison. I'm like, that's it.

I'm going to be a good boy and I'm going to get a job and be a roofing estimate on Saturday. I'm all alone. And then on Sunday, I guess I got to have the laundry and shovel and do that's my life. So I'm 65. Then you give me a fucking watch. And this was the way I thought.

Like I was like, what am I supposed to tell people? I went to college and wasted my time. This is a waste of time. Then it took me $200,000 to really figure out what I want to do in life, which was put cigarettes out of my asshole. So, you know, we are not, we're not ready. And everybody had, you know, who else is sat in this chair?

What's the skinny girl? I was a doctor. Who was that? Ashley. Oh, do I know Ashley? Yes, skinny chick. She's the CA also opens up for her. She was a lawyer, Ashley Barnhill.

Ashley Barnhill. Oh shit, okay. Yeah, that one. Who else was a fucking doctor that came in here, something like that and quit? Well, somebody else had come in here in the last couple of years that was a doctor and said, that's it, I didn't want to do it in the middle.

You know, you're forced, society forces, and then we drink into a different type of cool. What about King John? Wasn't he here? He was a doctor. King John, there you go. Oh, so I'm going to leave my doctor patient to be, and thank God it hit for him.

You know, when you take the chance. That's even more impressive. That's more impressive. Yeah, residency and all that and you have patients and then take that leap and I think that's even harder. Your patient's dying. He's not cheering for you.

I'm dying over here. You cock suck. But it's, it's always that decision. It killed me. Yeah. I didn't know. You think I would have fucking played that dumb shit if I would have known this was it?

If I would have known this was it when I was, and I started late dog. I started 28 or something. That's fucking late. Jack, I was long in the tooth. Did everyone say to you for him, what are you doing with like the thing that my least favorite thing that people say is work

isn't supposed to be fun. You're not supposed to have fun at work. And I like, it just seems like maybe an engineering place is like, that's what they would say. Like, comedy is great, but like work's not supposed to be fun. Well, I didn't tell anybody at work that I did stand up just because I like keeping my world separate.

That's so smart. I'm terrible at that. And I don't want them to think that I'm the funny. Like I'm conversationally funny. You know, I'm not off the wall. I'm not going to be doing, there's different types of comics. You know, I just want to have a conversation with somebody.

So I hate, I would hate if somebody at my job knew I did stand up and they're just expecting jokes from me at the copy machine or like, hey, when can I come see? I don't, I don't like that. That was a good move. Yeah, I just know me. I know how people are.

So I just kept my world. And I didn't want them to think that my work was being affected by what I do outside of my job. Like I didn't want my bosses to think comedy is affecting my work because it's not. And you were off on Saturdays and Sundays. Yeah, off on Saturdays and Sundays and then stand up as a night game.

So, you know, I get off. No weekends at that point. Nah, cause that came later. Me getting past the store came. Yeah, it came a little later. You can call your mom as soon as you got past this one. So I told you. Uh, no, because it doesn't mean that these benchmarks for us

don't mean anything to my parents, you know? Oh, like on the four and five and shit. They don't know the comedy store names on the wall. They don't know how important that is. Have they watched on TV? Yeah, they've seen like some late nights sets and they've seen me like, I was in that Tina Fey movie.

So like they went to the theaters and saw that. What'd they think? I think my mom is love. I took my mom to the premiere. Just you got to take your mom. So I take she got to meet Tina Fey, you know, everybody like Margot Robbie. She was star struck and she loved it.

But my dad is old school. Like he still, I was talking to my mom two days ago. She was like, your dad's worried about you. Like what are you going to, your life? What are you going to do? Like I'm still dicking around out here. You know, like my dad only understands money and things. What's your dad do for a living?

He's an engineer bowing as well. That's our coal mine, man. Yeah, so he's tough. Brainy dude, brainy dude. Yeah, he's a smart guy. He's, he's in Seattle. He works at the, the one in Bellevue. No, that's what I figured.

He just knows what I can be. So that's what frustrates him. As a child, did he watch any stand up at all? You know, what's so funny is my dad loves Steve Martin. This is his favorite comic, but he just wants his kids to have nothing to do with. Like Afghans and my parents are from Afghanistan. They don't want, they love art,

but they don't want their kids to make a career out of it. They want them to be doctors, lawyers and all that stuff. So yeah, they consume art, but they're like, we don't want you to do that for a living. Did, did your parents move from Afghanistan? Yeah, yeah. Like I like that ever, ever since I was like a kid, I wasn't first generation or anything,

but I would always get taught in like Hebrew school and stuff like that. Like Jewish kids, like the Jewish families, but that it was, it was huge when we first moved here, education, all that, like for those, like probably similar reasons why your parents, it's just like they, they're working so hard and they see like that's the only real way

to guarantee you're getting ahead. I understand it. Oh yeah. Like, you know, I've got my own path and I'm trying to go down, but I understand where they're coming from. Just that immigrant mentality, because I'm doing what they weren't,

they couldn't afford to do. When you come from another place, you got to plant your roots. You got to, you're not going to be a mime. When you, when you come from Afghanistan and you're in America, you've got to be an engineer. You've got to be these things

to just plant your roots here. And then their kids, me, I can do, I mean, I'm fortunate enough to be able to do comedy, but they didn't have that luxury. So that's why it's so foreign for them, I think. I don't know what my mom would think if she was alive. I don't know.

I really don't know. And I know it's just grounded in them wanting the best for me. Because if it pans out and it is, it's on the road to like, I'm getting things and things are going the right way. They'll be, they'll be fine. They'll stop nagging.

My mom is cool now. You're sad, right? Yeah. Yeah. So just say that I got 401. Yeah, I've got all that stuff. But I think my dad just wants me to pull up in, in like a Lamborghini

and then he'll be like, I was wrong. Yeah. Well, hopefully someday you'll buy my fucking Lamborghini. Yeah. Does your dad send you like the Boeing, like the open jobs at Boeing in your area? No, but sometimes he would still,

he would send me articles and this is funny. I talked about on stage one time, my dad would send me, he would clip out news articles. For some reason, he doesn't believe in emailing me a hyperlink to the article. So he physically cuts out the news article,

sends me this piece about this guy who's 32. He went to engineering school at UW. And then he opened up this brewery. And then he writes on a post-it note on the back. He goes, maybe you're a classmate? Question mark. Could be you if you woke up before noon. Love dad.

And I, yeah, it's just so funny. Like they just don't understand it. It's a different type of work. We work at night and sometimes we have super early auditions. Sometimes we work for two weeks. Sometimes we work. It's just so sporadic.

And almost just being available is part of our job. You have to be available. Yeah. You have to be available. Because in their mind, if I'm not working all the time, like why don't you just sell houses on the side? Man, it doesn't work that way. I got to do stand-up.

It's you being nimble is part of the job description. That's why all these actors are waiters and waitresses and bartenders. So they could just cut out in the drop of a hat. Yeah. What's the safety? I never believed in it either. When I got here, I saw cigars on the phone.

Cigars were huge when I got here with them. Really? What's the name? Demi Moore smoked a cigar on a cover of magazines. Oh, yeah, you're right, man. I remember there was this huge cigar. Yeah, huge. Women were smoking cigars at bars.

People were out in the comedy store smoking cigars. So they're right on the brand sunset, right on the street afterward, towards the comedy store. There was a little office, $1,250 an hour plus commission. You sold those $300 packages and they gave you $80 bucks. I'd sell one of those a day, maybe a couple cigars, go home. Yeah. I was there at seven in the morning, though.

So I would snort Coke till five at the comedy store and they'd go over that seven in the morning like a soldier. Yeah. With orange juice on my breath and gin and God knows what else. You got to have a little job here. But once I booked my first commercial, I think, I was like, that's it. I'm taking the safety net all.

That's it. Yeah. I made a living. This is good. I used engineering to get to a place where I wanted to be. So, you know, I had a day job. It was fine. Most comics have a day job.

They'll do Lyft, they'll do Uber, they'll do all these other things. I just happened to have a dope day job. And then by night, I would do standup. And then I got to a point where I could leave. And that was always the dream. Just get to have the safety net until I don't need it. When you quit your job, did you tell them to leave the door open

for you in case you weren't? I did. I did. Like, so what happened was I booked this MTV show called Disaster Date, which is like this prank show for dating. And they needed me for three and a half months. And I was half stepping before then. Like, I would, I booked Chuck on NBC, this guest star.

That was the first thing I ever got. And I said I had a family emergency. So I left for eight days to film it. And then I came back and I just continued to work. But three and a half months was too long. I, there was no excuse for three and a half months. There's no excuse yet. I forgot what I said.

But I said, yeah, I need to take it off for some reason. And they wouldn't let me. And I tried everything. And they just wouldn't let me take that much time off. And then I read up on unemployment that like, if they fire you, you collect unemployment. So I didn't want to quit because then I wouldn't be able to collect unemployment.

So I wrote an email. I go, I will be out of the office this day. And I plan on returning. And then I just wrote three and a half months later. I plan on returning this day. I send that off to everybody. And then I just didn't answer any of my calls or emails. And then just waiting for them to fire me.

If they were. So I wanted to come back. And if that isn't the case, they would have to fire me. And then they did send me a termination letter. And I was, I was a juice. And I was like, nice. Oh, your dad must have been Stephen. Oh, I didn't tell him the nuances of the termination.

You're telling the whole thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No severance, paying nothing. No, nothing to go. A stapler.

I probably took a mechanical pencil. Did you ever do that, Joey? Well, he must have just not, like, not shown up back at a job. I did that. The only place I ever did that was Radio Shack. I was terrible there. I had no, like, I just thought Radio Shack, you just sold, like, batteries and random things.

They have, like, people coming in who are building, like, circuit boards and they want to, they expect you to know actual thing. Resistors and ohms and all this stuff. I had no idea what was happening. It was the only job I ever worked, commission. And I think I made, like, 200 bucks in a week. And I just didn't go. Like, they wanted me to drive 45 minutes to do, like,

training. And I just didn't go back. Did you pick up your check? Yeah, I went back and that. Well, let's see. One time I tried to work at Domino's. And so I had to go through some training and stuff. I did, like, three hours of training on a computer,

how to make a pizza and shit. It was dumb. Some program, some software. I did it for three hours and then I got off work. And then I ended up getting some other job. So I quit. I literally just did the training and I left. And then the check was, like, for five bucks.

Or I was something stupid. I didn't even pick up the check. So I basically just went to Domino's to kick it for three hours. Doug, I quit so many jobs the day of. On what day in day one? Like, I don't know if I quit this job. There was a manager training program in Seacawk

as 45,000 a start. Like, just, you know, they wanted me to work clerical for three months. Something else for three months. Warehouse for three months. Something else for three months. And then you become a manager at the Lumberyard. Yeah.

I did it for about 10 days, though. And it wasn't until 4th of July a weekend when all my friends were down the shore. And I'm sitting there and I gotta sit till 6th. And there's not one customer on that line. They're making me count screws and. This busy work. File.

I just fucking put everything away. Got my calling. I was like, where are you going? I wouldn't even say anything in those days. I wouldn't even say anything. Halloween 84, I stayed out. I'm like a four fucking day bender. Like, I went on Thursday to come back

and I fucking stayed out. Like, just got fucked up Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday, Sunday. Sunday night, a friend of mine calls me. She goes, hey, my dad got you a job at this paint store. And I was like a fucking full time criminal. By this point, I had just given up. I'm like, I'm a fucking paint store.

Yeah. That's kind of nice how a job just falls in your lap. Oh my God. I just went through like 4,000 cocaine that wasn't mine. They were going to come look at me at any moment. I told them I'd be back in an hour. I never came back with that fucking bag of blow. I ended up with this girl bleeding from my nose.

She was bleeding from her nose. We tried to have sex. And then I went back to wherever I was living in those days. And that's when my friend woke me up and he goes, hey, Tiz called. You dad got you a job on 68th and Bergenland, this pink place. I walked in there.

I was like, this is going to change my whole life. Like, I'm a new man. I have to stop this fucking half of gangsters looking for me now for his fucking four grand. And it was a lot more than four grand. And I went in there and they were like, oh, hey, you got to mix paints this morning. And I remember looking at that clock.

It was eight to nine. It was a long hour. And nine to 10 was even a long hour. But there was nothing like 10 to 11. It seemed like hell. And all some resistance from the war of art started to come up and shit. And I just started getting negative thoughts.

So wait a second, I'm getting 10 bucks an hour. I'm going to make $80 today times five. Are you fucking kidding me? I get an ounce of blown, make that an hour. I'll never forget telling them, listen, I'll be back in five minutes. And they're like, what are you going to? I got to give a soda across the street.

I remember I had a gold watch and maybe four hours. I had stolen this gold watch somewhere. It was like a nice boulevard, like a $3,000 fucking watch. And I ended up with it. And this was my last ray of hope after this. And I'll never forget. I went into a drug dealer's house. I knew like by just like, like it was Lee's drug dealer.

I knocked on his door. He's like, who are you? I go, I'm a good friend of Lee's. I'm Joey Diaz. He goes, come on in. I go, listen, man, you don't know me from Adam. I'm in a bind. I need a half ounce of your best coke.

I'll leave my watch as a collateral. I'll be in an hour to give me the 800. He was like, all right. I took that coke. I never came back either. That was like the week from fucking hell. I was, everybody was waiting for me. He's telling everybody I'll be back.

I'll be back. That was your MO. Give me five minutes. I just got to go up the corner there. Where? Up the corner. I'll be right back. Fuck, I used to quit jobs.

I would go to a job. They give me like a shovel. Ten minutes. I'm out of here. Fuck you. I didn't come out of this shovel. Ten minutes. I would last 10 minutes.

I built scaffolds for a while. I got there and they're like, are you scared of heights? I'm like, nah. They're like 15 bucks and I'm like, all right. After the third floor. Yeah, I'm out. I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

Then I went to the other side of the building. This was a huge building they were building. I took every job in the fucking building. The people who spray that shit on your building. So it's like an insulation. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I took that job too. That lasted like a day.

I picked up my check. Then the people who put the railroad tries into the floor to build the walls. I did that for a while. That I liked, except for the fucking splinters and the Red Ants biting. Yeah. It's not that bad.

You got to work out in the half. You got a big drill. Lee, what's the matter? You didn't even need a fucking edible. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. And you're over there making fucking faces.

I'm going through changes because I'm just imagining you going in just, I can't quitting a job every other day. How do you get these many jobs? Bro, I could sell a fucking ice cube to a fucking Satanist. You understand me? I don't give a fuck, Jack. You just give me a fucking resume, and I'll fucking type it up for you in no time.

I'll get you that job. Did they not call references back then? Even if they did. I didn't know what they were talking about. I used to have fake references in those days. All your references sound exactly like you? Oh my god. I had such a fake, like if I got fired from a job,

but it was a good job, I'd already done as a reference. Then they would call me, the people go, listen, we just tried to call the Sheridan. And they said you were fired. I'm like, blocks. I didn't get fired. I just fucking quit after a year and a half. Well, they said I would argue.

They would say they couldn't get hold of references. I would make up names and call. I was fucking the Tories for that shit. Because in my mind, I really didn't believe that, that they'd check references. We had an undercover copy today on the phone today. And he was talking about a guy, he had to meet this killer at a gas station all the time.

Well, in 85, I ran out of, you know, I was fucking out there. I was crazy. So Jersey and Portland, Oregon are the only states where you can't pump your own gas. Oh, I knew, I knew that about Oregon. Right. I didn't know that about Jersey. In Jersey too, you can't pump your own gas.

So I would get gas station jobs close to the bridge of the tunnel. But there's a lot of action. And I would go in there, what's your name? Farina Ma. And they go, really? What do you want to work? Which shift? 12 to 8 in the morning.

Because they're not going to check a reference. You know what I'm saying? Like I totally, I go, Lee, if you're working at a gas station, if you're the owner and you're going to fill 12 to 8, and I come in and go 12 to 8, you're going to hire me without even a fucking reference check. And I would get the job. And I would fill up gas tanks, people come in,

give me 40, give me 50, and wait until I get $3,000. And they take off. I leave the gas station open, the register for the take-in. It was fucking crazy. And I must have done it 10 times. They never caught on. I'd see a help want this side of the gas station. I'd do the application.

And they'd tell me, when do you want to start? And I'd go, next Tuesday night. Okay. And I'd tell you, like, let me borrow 200 till next Tuesday night. Like, I already had it down in my head. I was just going in there, pumping gas for four or five hours,

keeping all the profits. They would ask me, did you dump yet? Oh, yeah, I'd dump because they'd make you, make a deposit every thousand dollars. Fuck you. I'd dump like a $10 bill in there. I'd keep the rest. I'd put up my socks.

Fucking crazy. I had no respectful work. That's why I knew this didn't work. I'd be dead. Yeah. I didn't want to work. There was no fucking way. I think about it now sometimes.

You ever get up like a six in the morning, look around and go, Because I did it. So it's nice. It's nice to be doing what you want to do. And every day, it's not work. It's a cliche. You always hear like, oh, you know,

do what you love. You don't work a day in your life. But it's true. You wake up and it's nice that everything that I do is working towards something that we're building, not somebody else's thing. But sometimes you got to do that. And when I was following, I did that

because I knew I was trying to get to this thing. It's all right to do that for a while, but to have a goal. Where's Tony Bennett? You fucked up till I'd see you and have it set. Somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as smart as I. Or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do.

Let me give some shout outs and shit real quick here to some fucking savages of debt. Jeremy Sweeney, who loves you cocksucker, Judo Connection, BB Tyler J Holden, Casper Rottball, Gregory Lay, M.T. Chasen Snarks, and CRF Slugline. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for always tweaking and fucking sending me

one of the naked pictures of the fuckers that you're sending. This special is your first special. Yeah, for special. How am I going to take it and put it together? I mean, I've been wanting to unload this hour for a long time. Okay, so you had this hour for a long time. Yeah, but then nowhere would take it, you know? I think you know, you're a guy who's funny

and sometimes hasn't been given a chance. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Yeah, so same thing with me. You know, I've had this hour. I was submitting to the half hour of the Comedy Central for a long time, year after year, no. And then, I mean, in my mind, I was like, I don't have credits.

Maybe that's why I'm not getting it. I might be funny, but I don't have these other credits that people have had. You didn't want to take the CD or anything? I guess not. I should have. In hindsight, I'm really kicking myself for not putting out CDs. I should have done that.

That's hindsight, but you know, that I wasn't getting the half from Comedy Central. And then the last year that I submitted, it was like two years ago, I was in New Mexico filming the Tina Fey movie, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I had done Seth Meyers and then I was on Guy Code. I had some credits. I had some dope credits and I submitted.

I thought I'd get it this year finally. And then they said, no. And I'm like, this is a fool errand. I'm done with this. I can't keep on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If with these credits in this half hour, they're not giving it to me, I'm never going to get it.

I'm done playing this game. And I was so deep in the comedy game. I had an hour I wanted to unload, not 20 minutes, you know, with commercials and everything. It's 20 minutes. Let me try to do an hour. So I'm trying to get an hour and everywhere saying no. But they don't even know what the hour is.

They're just saying no to the idea of me doing, they don't know what it is. So in my mind, I'm like, let me tape this thing. I was doing a headlining weekend in La Jolla. So I had some buddies bring some cameras, got some good audio. I cut together an hour of what it would be. We sent that around. Because if someone says no to that, cool,

then you just don't fuck with it. But people liked it. You know, I think Showtime wanted to do it, but they were backlogged with their specials. And then CISO was into it. So CISO was a good home. Like they liked the special. And so they did it.

But it's just one of those things where you got to cut their steak for them. You've got to do it. You really do. Yeah. You really do. People don't have time or they don't have imagination. I think you were the great agent.

Oh, yeah. I was the great agent. And they see top, top, top notch. And people still, and it's always going to be that way. Just because you have a certain name on the door doesn't mean it's a slam dunk. Like you're always going to be looked over by somebody. So you either just accept that and coward,

or you find a window to get in. So I was like, let me, let me, let me do this shit. Show them what it is. And then that's when the ball got rolling. Like there's, there's a lot of people who talk in this town. And there's very few who, who actually generate and create content. And when you put it in front of their face, click on this link.

Here's an hour of stand up. Do you like this? Then do it. Because most people would just be like, hey, ask them if they'll let me do an hour. And they go, oh, they don't want to. Oh, man. I taped it.

Show them what it is. Do a proof of concept. Do a sizzle. So that's what I did. And that's how I got it. Very smart, man. Yeah, you got to. Or, or you do nothing.

You know, I was telling you when you came in here that when I got in, there was no stand up for Uncle Joey. And I shot a pilot. Then the pilot didn't get picked up, you know. And then I, uh, to the commercial, which was lucrative, you know, it was money, but nobody, nobody saw the fucking thing. I mean, it played constantly.

Yeah. I was in there a fart. Like it was like a second shot, but I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, good money. I was going to check. It was like robbing somebody. It was embarrassing, but, and then I started, I booked like four episodes on NBC of a popular sitcom.

And then they canceled it right before I did the first episode. Like I did episode like five, seven, nine and 10. They canceled episode four. Like I was done. Like I didn't even get a fucking shot for Christ's sake, you know. And it was, it was kind of costarious. I kept booking costars, costars, costars. One line, one line, one line.

It was like a fucking curse, the curse of the one line. Then I got the, then I finally got four days on a movie. Seven days. Yeah. I was like, okay, now we're cooking with gas. And then it died again. It died again. Then I got the, I went through the phase.

My line was at the beginning of the episode phase with credits to rolling through. So if you watch taxi, I got like fucking eight movies or something that the line, the credits analyze that. I got shot first in the movie taxi. I fucking the first scene of the movie. I got like three or four of those motherfuckers. I'm like, God damn, when does this end, you know?

And all of a sudden I got a breakdown. My friend of mine, he's like, they were making the longest yard and I called my agent. I go, you got to call them. And at that time I had three, three ethical agents because it was still, it wasn't computer generated yet. So they still mail packages in delivered. So I had three agents, whoever got the job,

that too got the commission. I don't play games. Yeah. I remember one night I had a showcase at the improv. All of them came out, all three. And Joshua was like, how many agents do you have here? I go, listen, they don't know about each other. It's like the same thing as girls.

Some comment will have three girls. Three girls go, they didn't know about each other. And oh, I called all three of them. One guy finally goes to me. The weakest out of all the three said to me, they don't want to see you. They're looking for a name or a celebrity. And it burned at me for like two weeks.

And I said, exactly what you did. Yeah. I went to play it again sports and I bought a football jersey and some shoulder pads and a helmet for a kid. And I put it on and it looked even bigger than what I was. And I had them throw the ball at me. And I recited the lines from the old longest shot. And I got the meeting and I got it, dog.

Yeah. You know, I did it for an American gangster. I did it for something else. The one with the bank. And I booked that. But then they cut the scene out. I mean, dog, I was booking shit from it. Booked American gangs for the first time.

Then they hired, they got rid of Leonardo DiCaprio. Not Leonardo DiCaprio, the Spanish do it at the time. That was supposed to play the lead. The guy that won the Academy Award for Traffic. Venetian? The Venetian d'Otoro was the original cop in American gangster. Then the budgeting thing didn't come through. So they hired Cameron Crowe.

Ross and Crowe. But I booked that one from fucking tape where they were like, nah, they don't want to see you. Watch my smoke, bitch. Sometimes you got to show it to them. Sometimes you really have to show it to them. Yeah, sometimes. They lack the imagination.

You're like, no, let me show you what it is before you say no. What was the switch in your head? Or was it just, is that just how you guys were born? That you can say to someone like, you can know like, all right, I haven't been getting it this way. Let's try something like, was it four years here? Was it three years here? Or is that just how you guys are?

That's just how I am. Like, I know where I want to be or I know what I want. I'll try to go the traditional route. What you're supposed to do. If I hit a wall, what's another way to get there? And just keep on doing that until you break through. I thought about it this way. I thought about it that the worst thing they could say to you is no.

Yeah. Okay. We're here already. What the fuck? And you know, you sit here sometimes and you could sit there and beat yourself up and go, why is it so easy for him? And I got to break my balls. God has a plan for everybody.

So I took it that way. And I don't mind. I don't mind for certain things. Like if I'm calling you for a weekend and you ask me for a date, I tell you to suck my dick, you know, suck my dick, guy. I'm a comedy store regular. Right. Who the fuck you got there this weekend?

Who do I'm like Al Pacino and Carl Lito's way? Who the fuck do you know? I hung out with connected dude, main dudes. Who have you hung out with? Per Snatchin, Monaco, motherfuckers. And it's the truth. You know, we're comedy store guys. So I got to, for a while that people say I want to tape.

I'm not sending you a tape. I'm a comedy store guy. Come see me at the store at 11.45 ball morning. You decide, bitch. So that got me insulted. But with the acting, I knew there was a big pool to draw from. You know, at the time it was big pussy. There was a lot of guys in my category that threw heat,

but I knew they were in comedy. See, that's where my confidence came in. Right. I know they couldn't do what I do at 12.45 at the comedy store. I could do what they could do, but they can't do what I can do at the comedy store at 12.45. They can't take shit their pants. You were speaking earlier about acting classes.

Are there acting classes just made for comedians? Like it seems weird that you guys are going to acting classes for actors. There was a guy in town when I got here. He was supposed to be the guy that turned comics into actors. So the improv, you know, this is 1998. The improv had him there on Mondays from 11 to 3 teaching a class. It was like 60 fucking bucks. So it was 240 a month, you know.

And I think I went to two classes and it just wasn't for me. I saw a lot more ego than anything else. Like he just wasn't, I gotta tell you something. The best dude I ever had as an acting coach was a black dude that charged 20 bucks an hour on Gower. He had AIDS. He had AIDS. That's not why I was so cheap.

No, he had a little school. If you go on Gower between Hollywood Boulevard and Sunset on the same size as Roscoe's Chicken, there used to be all those little huts, thousands of little huts. He had a little acting class in there. The acting class was mainly at that time, $100 a month, but he charged you 20 bucks. That guy got me all the way to the end.

On a Travolta movie, it was between me and Billy Gardell, but they liked it so much that they thought about just putting me and Billy Gardell. They said, you know what, man? In reality, there was two stand-up comics with this singer. We cut it down to one, but we'll bring it back. And then Travolta decided to do the Scientology movie. Battlefield Earth? Yes.

Oh, shit. Yeah, he was gonna play Jimmy Roselli about an Italian singer. I kind of want to see this movie instead of Battlefield Earth. Oh, Battlefield Earth was a fucking disaster. This would have been pretty good. I think Travolta would have pulled it off. This was a long time ago. This is 1999, and Billy Gardell had already done a lot of TV work, maybe,

and they came to see it at the store. They came to the lab factory to see me and the fucking store to see me. And then I went to Miami, in problem, was out in Miami. I asked Mike, called my manager, he goes, I got bad news for you. They pulled the plug on the movie. What do you mean? They had us. Jesus Christ.

You know, Red Aziz, he was here last week, a couple weeks ago. And I remember him coming out here first, and there was a string he was going on that you would have killed yourself. Most actors would have killed themselves. I think he went for like 11 fucking screen tests in a row. He was ready to kill himself. And then the leak, I said to him, every time you go, you get a little closer. You're gonna get it.

You're right there. It's just a pussy hair away from you. Nailed it. And look, you end up nailing the fucking leak. Yeah. You know, once you start getting all those co-visors in, that means there's something around the corner. That's what I would do.

Totally. And even if you don't get it, the people in positions of power have a familiarity about you. You're not this dark horse anymore. And they're like, I know this guy. I know what he's about. And they have you in mind for something. So it's less of a reach the third or fourth time. My goal, when I used to have acting books,

like I would have a chart in the beginning. And I could say, you opened up my notebook, I'd have like this. And then let's say tomorrow, it would be three, six. I would have like three, six. And then it would be a chart that would go down. And it would have like the name of the project. I'd have the casting director. And then I'd have the role I was going out for.

And then I had like boxes. Like if I went to the first, like if it was TV. In those days, it was always two callbacks. And then you booked it for film. It was always one, some big movies. When I first got here, there were pre-reads. Yeah, there's still those sometimes. There's still those where you read with the assistant.

Then you come back and read for the casting director. Then you come back again. And I had planned that, bro, I would look at the sides and I would go, okay, I'm going to read this three times. So I'm going to put it together where each time is going to be strong than the other before I even go into the audition. Like I would fuck, bro, I got into it. I got into it.

Like I was like, I'm going to have this audition for this, this one for the callback and this one for producers. They're all in the same neighborhood, but I'm going to do something different for each one, just to show them I'm ahead of the game. Why would I fuck them up? Bro, it would take, one time I ripped down the underwear as an audition. It called for a fight.

Bro, pilots, I'll shoot them, motherfucker. Because pilots in the old days used to be a pretty decent fucking paid day. I went in for American family, not this one. There was a different one about 10 years ago that came out. And it called for a fat guy to be out in his lawn. Like it was like a story about you. You leave your family's house and you move into your first house. But as you're walking in, you hear some guy going,

hey, it's beautiful out here. It's a dude like me with short time, in a kiddie pool, frying like a hamburger on a little barbecue. But to him, this is heaven. His wife is a beast of burden. His kids were all fucking diabetic. And he's out there. And I never feel like, oh, what if I went in there with a pair of red,

white and blue underwear, like a v-cut. And I knew who was going. Like in those days, I had a crew of Italian guys that would call me the night before and they'd say, are you going in for that role? Yeah. So I knew how I was going up against him. It was this dude that God had him in his soul.

God rest his soul. His name was something, Tony, something. He was in the movie Splash with Tom Hanks and John Candy. He'd been around here a while. He was killing me, dog. I go to auditions. He'd kill me. He'd kill me.

So I had to figure out how to get this guy on fucking check. So I thought about that audition. He called me the night before. As I'm going in for it, I know the casting director, she put me in something else. I said, oh, this motherfucker's trying to piss on my leg and crack me. I went to the store the next morning.

I went to K-Mod or wherever. I bought myself some red, white and blue fucking bikini shorts. I put sweats over it. I took a wife beater. That showed my stomach a little bit. And I pulled it up. I scotch tape and I put them to the wife beater. And I got a warm-up jacket, like with a zipper.

So you couldn't tell what I had underneath. And I'm like, Joey, if you do this, you will book this fucking job. Because I used to book on psychological purposes. Like, I'll go in there and listen to what you're saying. And I'll do opposite. Like, I'll go and listen to what Lee said, you said to the other guy, and I'll do opposite. You guys are all on the wrong thing.

You're all doing the same thing. Yeah. We got to go in there, something different. Yeah, totally. I never forget I walked in there. And they're like, hi, Mr. D. Asgib is second. Perfect.

That they turned that back to me. And as they turned that back to me, I took that fucking hood and sweatshirt off with my little wife beater. This one was $3.75, though. This is a different game. I'm $2.97 now. This is $3.75 with tight red wine shorts, with white fucking cocaine legs.

I took those sweatpants off. And when they turned around, they went, so, they just froze. And I didn't even say action. I just said, hey, you want a burger? Living like a doctor. And they just looked at me and they said, can you do that on tape real quick?

I knew I had them. I had them on the ropes. I did it on tape, bro. Before I got home, that made an offer. Right? Even when that room went down there for nothing. That's what I'm the other time I went to an audition dog and I had a hole in my pants.

For if you watch it, people still hit me up and go, are you an extra? And what's that stupid fucking show? How I met your mother. Yeah. I went into the audition. I had no underwear on it. When I went to sit down, the hole in the pants

got caught in the chair, in the leg of the chair, like the arm thing. Yeah. And it ripped open and my balls came out. And I sat down. There was three lady producers. I go, did you see the cute with that girl? And they just looked at me, dog, and started howling.

And bro, they were like, what happened? I go, I forgot to wear underwear. I just told them the whole story. They go, all right, you're good. I booked it. And then my agent called and I go, go back. You didn't even read. Oh, shit.

I wasn't there for 30 minutes. Just laughing about the hole in my shorts. Didn't even read. I went back, read, they booked me. Next thing I get to how I met your mother. Like, we didn't want you. They had no choice. Yeah.

I fucked them up so fucking bad when my pants opened up. Because I just played along with it. What the fuck? It's amazing how the world is very different. Like, if you went into a meeting at Boeing and tried to liven up the room a little bit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I would have to do the exact opposite. So you would never really even try to have a sense of humor. I mean, I would amongst my co-workers and stuff. But I mean, you can't do that in like a meeting with people and stuff. It's very corporate and dry. How fucking crazy is that to work and live that way? Yeah.

That's why you got out of it. I'd rather shoot myself than be alone. I always wanted to do comedy. It was always just sort of biting my time until I could make the leap. So it's not like I was just cogging the wheel and then I had an epiphany. Like, I got to get out.

That's a romanticized version. It was just all very calculated and premeditated. Like, all right, just keep doing this shit until you put yourself in a position to make the leap. And so, I mean, it was fine. Yeah, there's worse jobs. But obviously, this is way doper then. But one of my favorite sayings is,

take a chance, Columbus did. Yeah. That's it. That's it. And I felt like you can chase money whenever. That's always there. You can always chase money. What we're doing, there's a window.

There's a window to do it. How old are you when you made this decision? Maybe I was like 26? God bless you. God bless you. A lot of people don't know that money ain't thick, man. Yeah. Money ain't thick.

If you're young or you want as money, then press those girls. And I never subscribed to that, though, which is... No, I did. I did for a while. I didn't realize that they're going to suck your dick no matter what. You know what I'm saying?

Well, you show up with a Corvette or a Cosby pill. And also, there's something... There's somebody sniffing your ballsack. There's something very alluring about somebody who doesn't subscribe to the white picket fence and cars. And there are plenty of girls who like rockers who don't make any money or like comics who are... There's something sexy about somebody

who's just going after that and isn't getting the house and the cars and all that stuff. Because that's... There's not a lot of people doing that. And they feel like, oh, you're tapped into something that... I need those things, but this person doesn't. It kills me where I came to an age one day when I...

I think, yeah, about 30 when I said, you know what? This money shouldn't even worth it. It's not even worth it. For years, I kept trying to chase it because I thought it would change my life, but it didn't change a thing. I was still the same person I was. And it wasn't until I changed my game up and looked at it,

you know, when you get into comedy, when you first get into comedy, unless you... You know, you were very smart. You had a day job. You know, and I had a day job for a while until one day you go, I'm not doing this no more. I'm taking a fucking chance. That's it.

You know, it's hard to... We were talking about putting things into the universe. How many times I had a job the last month, the last weekend of the month to pay rent. I can't tell you how many times that happened, but it didn't happen, you know? How many times I went to the store on, like, a Tuesday night, I didn't want to go down there.

And somebody would come up to me and go, dog, I'm canceling Kansas City this week. You want it. The guy said, you could do it if you want. And you're like, I wasn't even going to come down here tonight. There was six people. Because in those days, you would call and go, how's the room? And there we go.

It was like 30 people. We don't want to come down here. We don't have enough people. And you'd get lazy. I was down there three nights in a row, you know? You realize that just leaving the house is a big part of... Opportunities come just by leaving your apartment. Sometimes you can get discouraged early on and stand up,

and you're like, I'm not getting spots, and I have no spot tonight. Why am I going to hang out? But like that happened. And someone would be like, hey, can you do this? Out of sight, out of mind. So it even just pays just being around. Being around.

You know, it's the hustle that it takes to do this at this level is amazing. And I love when people miscalculate it. I like when somebody thinks they have the fucking answer. You know, they don't know that I get up at six and I tweet and I fucking do this and I write and they have no fucking idea what you're doing. Yeah, how much work? Then at 10 o'clock you call your agent,

then you call your manager, then you have to check with your fucking emails. Then I'm starting to get scripts from fucking these podcasts and advertisers and, you know, your day is gone. And you're like, you know, and then now, I still got two motherfucking spots. And that entails driving and valet parking and going in there and taking your money.

It never fucking ends. But why are you here? Why are you young? You know, being young means you're a fucking slave, bitch. That's what it meant in my world. When I was, you know, till 40 it meant, forget about your 20s. Like if I had a normal life like yours in my 20s,

I'd be working and getting my dick sucked on Fridays and Saturdays. Point blank, that's it. I'm living to get my, when I was 20, I was living to get high. But there were kids that had great jobs that were living to get their dick sucked. That's it. That's all that was on my mind. Luckily I had tunnel vision.

This is all I wanted. So I didn't, I wasn't partying. I wasn't drinking and it was just work comedy. Because I knew any, I used to play video games a lot and I just stopped doing video games. Good for you. Yeah, it's amazing when you get to the next level of what you want, the things that you have to sacrifice.

And most people will never, ever, ever fucking grasp that. They'll never grasp that and they'll sit and make excuses and tell you how you're gay. Somebody sucked your dick in Hollywood. You know, when I, you know, when you first started doing comedy you start going to these D rooms. Yeah, totally. You don't have to.

I'll pass. So that there's just a lot of towns that have like B rooms, C rooms. And you start working with these frustrated headliners. It's a real education. Like I always tell people you gotta do a couple of triple runs to work with guys that are in Seattle that are doing a triple run that have a thousand stories and they'll tell you why they'll never move to LA, you know.

And there's people who don't ride long. You don't want to ride, yeah. Right, ride long, then move to LA because the Seattle Supersonics are gonna work. And the Seattle Mariners are giving them work. And the fucking football team was giving them work. And he had four kids or two kids and a wife. But there was other people from up there

that just didn't want to do that. And I don't have time for that shit. Like this is something that you keep moving. I never thought. Like did you really, you came out here to stand up. Did you think there was any opportunity of movies or TV? Yeah, because I know that a lot of actors and stuff, they came from stand up.

I wasn't the type to just abandon stand up if that would happen. But I knew that because I love, I like acting and things. I like writing. I like doing that. I never thought I would book anything. Really? I always thought that was a possibility,

but I just knew that stand up was my way into that. Or that would happen as a result of it. I thought I would be an extra if I was lucky. Really? I don't know. I just look at you and you're just like, there's not a lot of people like you. So I would think that you would book all the time and you have.

I used to, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In your mind, you just think, oh, I'm not going to. But sometimes you'll see people in Hollywood and you're like, oh, this guy is such a type. He's going to work all the time. I don't think they're sending me out as much. I think that they like that. Well, maybe because you've got some other plate spinning now.

You got this. You got stand up. You have your special out. So maybe hold it down and stuff like that. But it's, uh, I think the biggest part for me of going back to the comedy store is seeing guys like you and meeting guys like you. I never thought about this part of my life.

You know, I went back to the store up to seven years and there was all new faces. I mean, it was all new faces. It was very cool to see guys like you and Rogan come back who were such a part of the store. But not when I was there. I would only hear stories. So it's very cool to see you guys come back into the fold

and some other guys as well. Yeah, it's just nice. Oh, I love it. Ron whites down there in Chappelle. I mean, it's just, but, uh, it's really helped me to see you young guys. Like I didn't know this is what it became. I didn't.

When I first got to the store, the older guys were scumbags. They were the leftovers in the Kenneson days that nobody talked to. And they were like, always had a story. They were scumbags. I mean, I don't know how many times I had arguments on older comic and that's why when I went back, I made myself promises.

The one I wouldn't linger down there. I feel like a pedophile down there. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm a fucking old pedophile down there. Talking to the waitresses and shit. I wasn't going to drink down there and I wasn't going to. Once I did my set, I had to get out of there because of the impression that those other old

time is left on me. They were the biggest fucking pukes. And I love to say their fucking names, but they live in their own misery now because they're not even up there no more. At least we're still in the game. There were some old guys up there that were just miserable. And they would watch you get off stage and like wish bad.

Like you could see him. There was a handful of guys that would go up there every fucking night for fallouts. And rude against you? Rude against you. Rude against you. When you got off stage, they'd say, hey, tough audience. Like they'd be like five of them sitting by the pay,

where the payphone used to be. Like they weren't really watching. But like if you had a good set, they wouldn't, they may believe like they didn't watch. How'd it go in there? But if you bombed, they let you know it. They let you know it. Rough night tonight, huh?

And you would look at them and go, like I could fuck you's up right now, but I feel bad for you. I feel bad that you're at this part of your life and you are chewing against comedians. Yeah, it's hard. And do you know how hard our job is? So that makes no sense to me when like they're your peers,

you should have a love for your peers and just want everyone to do well. Like if your friend does well, it helps you out. I really go down there with a different mindset. When I go down to the store, I really try to not let my, I need to be a certain person when I go to the store now. You know, I need to act like an adult.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like it's real important to me to act like an adult and help you guys out. Like any questioning, man, I don't never come up to you and go, I have a tag for you. That's never my business. Get the fuck away from me with your fucking tag. You creepy fucking.

Hey, have you ever tagged? Give a tag. No, I don't, no, no, no. I don't even have a tag for myself. Don't give me no tags worried by yourself. I'm not that type of dude, but I'm there just to say, Hey man, that was tremendous.

So because some nights I knew when I was going through a rough night, but there was one cool person who came up to me and said, Hey man, that was a great joke. And you're like, God damn it. Thank you, bro. And that night you go home and you go, you know, I shouldn't treat all the people at the store

down there. There's still a couple of great souls. And sometimes I think I'm dying. And I get off in the photographer who is the nicest guy in the world or come up to me and go, that joke about your boss. I was puking. I'm going, you're the nicest guy in the world.

Then, you know, Troy, Troy, he's just a great guy. And this, this time, you leave there, you're like, I'm not even going to the bar. I did so bad. And he'll come up to you and go, that was a good job, man. That was a good, good job.

At least you hung in there. And you're like, you know, man, 20 years ago, those old, it was a fucking ugly scene. Like from, from like 97 to about 2000. Like I was there the weekend, somebody OD'd in the back. Like that's how crazy the store was.

These guys were getting there at seven. And they were drinking and they were shooting heroin in the back. The guy OD'd these back in Nashville somewhere. He's still that guy. What was it with somebody like, can I have a spot? What was that? What was another comic like, can I have a spot?

Oh no, these guys will go up there and sign up for the fallout list. And wait, that's what you had to do in those days. Early you got there, you'd be number one on the fallout list, unless Mitzi came in. And then Mitzi would go, huh? Lisa, I had them down.

You're number 10. And you would fucking die. Like that would, that you just basically got down to the duty of first fallout. You know, Joey Diaz loves to cancel. And also Mitzi comes in and bumps you. You're like, ah, but they were always losers. And they would cheer against you.

And then there was these other guys that were leftovers from the Kenneson days. And they would go down there at night, you know, with their woes and their shoe. I ain't not gonna count it this week. You know, like they were still talking about Kenneson and all that shit. Then there was just a bunch of other guys down there

that were just hating like that. All those guys hated dice. Like when dice were coming those nights to bump. And I never hated like dice was bumping me. And I didn't have hatred for him. Eddie Griffin was bumping me. And I can't tell you, you know, this to get past and to get a spot on Monday night at 1030.

And for Eddie Griffin to come up to you right before you're gonna go on stage and go, pssst, I'm like, I'll do 10 minutes. He did that to me. I had the house full. I brought 20 of my best friends from Seattle. It's opening like the Comedy Store. And Eddie Griffin bumps me.

I could have hated them. I have no hatred towards them. It was all in education. And sometimes you got to pay respect to the guys that are up there. You know, I'm happy they don't bump at the store now. Right. I mean, it happens sometimes, but I get it.

I get it too. I don't give a fuck if they ship out walks in. He's tremendous. Yeah, let him go. Put them up. Put up Brown White. Put up fucking Adam Sandler. Put up Sarah Silverman.

They pay their fucking dues, you know. I would never ask to bump anybody. It would be outside of my realm, bro. If you notice when I get the light, I get off. Yeah. I don't disrespect. So don't ever fucking disrespect me and women that have a motherfucking problem.

That's why I do that. I respect comics with the utmost fucking. I was thinking about a weird story the other day. I used to open, like he was talking about hosting. I used to host all the time on Sundays. I used to host and work the door for 25 bucks. That's how much Mitchy would like that. Work the back door and then go host at the same time.

What? I never forget I told this kid just the microphone was broken. On a Sunday night, there was like 60 people in there. And I said before he went on stage, I took all the open micers, you know, you have that list. I go, do me a favor. Don't touch the microphone. And there was this one kid that I told him like 10 times,

don't call, wait until this motherfucker went up and did. Touch the microphone? He broke it. He broke it. There was no microphone the rest of it. They had to go get a microphone from the fucking belly room. It didn't work and it kept sizzling. And when that motherfucker came out, I said something to him.

I got in his fucking face because he disrespected all of us, man. No, we just told you not to touch the fucking microphone. You know, we had to go to La Jolla one weekend. He kept calling the store. They was going to beat me up with his buddies. They still got the pool hall in La Jolla and the little pool table. No, not anymore. They used to have a pool table.

I took all the balls out of it and I strategically put them in the flower pots outside. I had them in my pockets. I took all the cue balls, Chuck Norris style. And Steven Seagal and the one about Brooklyn. What's the one about Bajusha Bobby Lupo? I hit sticks. I hit pipes.

I went behind the barn. I got a knife. I think I know why they took the pool table out. When they took the pool table out, I hit everything, bro. And these dumb fucks got together and I saw the car at the top of La Jolla. And I'm in front of the counter store. And they're right there. They're going to make a left.

And they, man, I'm behind the door. I'm waiting for them to come down. I'm making believe like I'm smoking a cigarette. I don't see them. They come around the turn. They come shooting down. And as they kind of pull a fucking water gun out, like those big spray guns,

I take the fucking cue ball and I just whip it at them. And it hits the side door and it goes, boom. They thought a missile hit them. They didn't even get a shot to shoot me with a water pistol. They took off and called Hollywood Comedy Store and said, Joey Diaz throw cue ball at us and shit. This war went on for like two years with me and these two little kids. They don't even do comedy no more.

It was like 15 years ago and shit. So the special comes out when? Thursday. This Thursday. Thursday. You excited, brother? I am, man. I'm very happy with it.

Like the way it looks and the material. Where'd you shoot it? Alex Theater in Glendale. Good for you. Yeah. Just kept it in town. It's nice being able to wake up and just drive to the gig, not hop on a plane.

You know, it's your own special. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And to do it in LA. I know how the jokes do here. I did the road too, but it's like home court. I wanted to do it here. Go ahead and do it here. Nothing wrong with that, man.

Yeah. And you're excited. Very excited. You got a little tour to back it up a little. It's PR stuff. I'm going to go to New York at the end of March to promote that. And then doing the Crap Shoot Festival in May.

That's May 19th or 21st. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In Vegas. Yeah, Vegas. What hotel? I don't know what hotel. I got to look at the thing, but it's a nice little festival they got.

They got some cool people coming out. Who else is in the way? Who else did they got? I forgot. Man, I forget. I think Morgan Murphy. Okay. You know Morgan.

The Crap Shoot? Yeah, Crap Shoot. Adam Ray. Brad Williams. I'm trying to think who else. I think Beth Stelling is doing it too. I think Ian might be doing it. I don't know.

Good for you, man. Yeah. You're making it. Like I said, you guys. Oh, first there. Oh, Christ is there. Cool. David Tell.

They have a little, uh, Bronger. They have a lot of people there. Josh Adam Myers is there. Good, that's a good one. It's his Trejo and other, another combo. Oh, shit.

Yeah, he's doing well. He won the, uh, he's hosting tonight. Yeah, so that'll be fun. But you did yours on CISO, right? Yeah. This is out there. It's still out there. I really enjoyed it.

Where did you shoot yours? Chicago at the Zanies out in Rosemont. Okay. I didn't like the downtown one. I want to shoot in the Zanies in Rosemont. So I think it was a great idea going to CISO. I think you made a good choice. Yeah, they let me do whatever.

There was never any editing. No, no, no. They let me do whatever I wanted to. It came out how I wanted. They've been really supportive and everything. I wanted to be a big fish on a small island, you know, like I wanted to really like stick out a little bit. Yeah, you can get lost in like,

yeah, like Netflix is cool and everything. But I'll get lost. It was signed. They got the Chappelle with two. Yeah. So, and I thought that CISO was supportive. Like you said, I thought that, uh, and they were really into it.

They're into it. Yeah, they were into it. Maybe I could have done Netflix if I just really hounded and like fought and scrapped. But CISO is just so into it. I was like, let me just do this. Yeah, I think it's a good choice. And I wish you, I mean, bro,

you wanted a bright light at the store. I want you. Thanks, man. Thank you so much. I mean, what's the name of the character? Lance. Lance againstopolis. Lance againstopolis.

What's he about? He's just, uh, he's a loose cannon. He's everything that I wish I could be, man. You know, he just, he goes up there in a wife beater in a mullet and just, he's kind of like you, man, just takes the audience by the horns and just whatever happens happens.

Because I'm kind of heady. I have bits. I have shit that I'm trying to work out. Lance just shows up and whatever happens happens and sometimes it's great. I knew you were doing something crazy one. I'm like, what the fuck's he doing? He's got long hair tonight.

And it's something that the comedy store comics really like. And like, it seems like it's almost sort of similar to you, Joey, where you're not like a hidden secret, but like something like a favorite of everyone who's there every night. Because every time I'm there. Because every time you go up, something different happens.

Like you're not going to get the same Joey DS every time you go up. And I think doing Lance is kind of like my version of that. It's never the same. And there's something fresh each time. So I think that's why people like it and it resonates. Well, good for you. I mean, listen, like I said, you wouldn't be here if I didn't mind.

I want people, if you supported me, man, do me a favor, download a special on Thursday. Yeah. And I think he's funny. He's a fucking sweetheart. Give him the code. Yeah. So it's a free month.

If you type my last name for the promo code. Give him the fucking last name. And who are A and W A R. There you go. Free month. I say it again. The last name. And who are A and W A R.

So write that down. Do me a favor. Write that down. A N W A R. Go to see so right now. Type it in. You get another fucking month for free. So the month that you had with me must be ending right now.

Because it's December 8th, January 8th. That's it. You out there. You can't watch that live. I'm giving you another month. An opportunity to help out my brother here. Watch this special. He's funny as fuck.

I think he's one of the bright lights at the store. And I think you'll love him. I wouldn't have money just to have money. He's a solid motherfucker. And he's with me. He's with me. And he's one of us.

That's it. Thank you. He doesn't smoke. He's a decent kid. Unlike Lee Syat. That's a fucking human dispenser of reefer and edibles and sugar cubes and all that other shit. And Chinese heroin.

Chinese heroin. That's how we're going to end the year this year. I got a batch coming fresh from Toronto. So number two, we won't shoot it unless you want to. I think we should shoot it. I don't want to shoot it at all. What are you talking about?

I think we should get a nurse to come in here with IVs and fucking shoot us down. Number one, blue apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. I hope you know that. Like we always talk about Lee, his dad. I've had it. I love it.

I just like my wife cooks. My wife likes to cook. So I let her cook. I cook for the baby. You know, there's no blue apron for the baby. So that's the only reason why I don't get it. But if not, I'd be living off that family thing. And I need the whole thing by myself.

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I want to thank lift. I want to thank Blue Apron. I also want to thank honet.com always sending me the best with shroom tech or the hemp protein powder. Go to honet.com and press in church. Bam, C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your first order. Deliver it straight to your house. Listen, Thursday, first thing you're gonna do for me

and I'm gonna remind you Wednesday night is to go to CISO.com and press in. And war. Bam and get a month for free on the fucking arm. Like I don't ask you people for nothing. Do me a favor. Watch this kid special. You're gonna love it.

We'll be back Wednesday night, cocksuckers. Tremendous podcast. I love you guys. Have a great week. Stay black. And remember, if they don't like what you dream, it's time to suck your dick. It's over.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Yeah, yeah I know what I don't know what I can be saying See, I forgot I've decorated Cyber Zhou You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be Look at me now, a man who won't let himself be Down in the hole, feelings are small Down in the hole, losing my soul I'd like to fly, but by the way defense on it has

Down in the hole, and they'd put all the spells in their place I've eaten the sun, so my tongue has been burned of the taste I have been guilty of taking myself in the teeth I will speak no more of my feelings within Down in the hole, feelings are small Down in the hole, losing my soul I'd like to fly, but by the way defense on it has There in this all feelings, oh I wanna be inside of you

I give this part of me for you, oh I wanna be inside of you I said I'm praying down in here I said, oh I wanna be inside of you Oh I wanna be inside Down in the hole, feelings are small Down in the hole, losing my soul Down in the hole, feelings are small Down in the hole, I control my mind to fly But by the way defense on it has

Down in the hole, feelings are small Down in the hole, feelings are small