Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #463 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: March 13, 2017

Brian Redban, Comedian and podcaster heard on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and "Kill Tony" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: DSTLD - Get 10% off of your first pair of DSTLD's premium jeans that start at just $75 instead of hundreds at DSTLD.com/joey Indochino - Go to Indochino.com and use code "church" at checkout to get any premium suit for only $389 (thats 50% off the regular price for a made-to-measure premium suit) and shipping is free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/12/2017.
  

That's evil right there. The same Lazarus protects us. Don't can give you that? No, no. We've got to put it in the room because if not, you've got to have the yin and the yang. If you don't like the yin and the yang, there's nothing. This show is presented by On It. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Indochino. Our listeners can get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 at indochino.com and to promo code church at checkout. That's 50% off the regular price of a made-to-measure premium suit and to make it even better shipping is free. Go to indochino.com and to promo code church. The show is also brought to you by Distilled. Website is dstld.com. That's dstld.com and go there and check out all their

great jeans. I got jeans. I got a nice polo shirt and when you go to dstld.com slash Joey right now, you're gonna get 10% off of your first pair. That's dstld.com slash Joey. Monday, March 13th. Lightning. No big drama Monday. Red Band. My main man, Lisa Yat. And Biggie like fucking 20 years ago.

With Puff Daddy and Lil Kim. Oh shit. Over in Rio. Digenere. What? Women and women with their own condominiums. Five plus fives. Who drive millenniums.

It's all about the vengeance. What? Shake it. Five carrots on my hands with the cuts. I want to be a crook with the clutch. Here we go. Driving a broke vigour. Whatever the fuck you say. You guys remember the vigour?

What is a vigour? It was a car by Acura. It was a middle range car by Acura. It was in between like the little one and the big, big one. That seems like a bad name. Yeah, it was V-I-G-O-R. Okay. Yeah, it didn't fucking sound good at all.

It wasn't a bad name. What's happening little brother? How you doing Joey? Good, good to see you. What's going on with you over there fucking Johnny Flambe? I had a weird weekend. I had a piece of my tongue taken off removed. Okay, I'm a weird kind of lazy.

I've had this piece hanging off my tongue for probably six years. Like a tentacle? No, like I apparently my tongue is too big for my mouth. Like it just never ends for Joey. But like I just, I got so like first I didn't go to the dentist for the first few years I was here. And then I went to have it removed. But then like they were trying to make me come back like three times and it was in Beverly Hills. It was stupid.

And then I've been going to this HMO dentist in Studio City, which is not good either. But he's been trying to get me to do it for the past few times. And I'm paying, I paid him in cash. He just did it. We had no plan. He used a laser. I could see like I could smell my tongue burning. Oh, what it tastes like.

What your tongue tastes like? It doesn't taste, it smelled like meat. It smelled like meat burning. It was, it was weird. I didn't taste anything, but it was, it was not good. I call him up. He's like, I'm good, good, good. What the fuck's going on?

He goes, the guy burned my tongue with a laser. No, I had no vacane. It never ends. It never ends. Like my life, it never ends. How does this affect your life? Because I don't need these type of phone calls. You know what I'm saying?

Who burns that tongue with a laser? Who has a piece of meat hanging on that laser? I can see if you ate a crack hole back in 84, you fucking. Well, I have no idea how it happened. Like I thought like I just bit through it one night and the doctor just, because I apparently have a couple more like in the back, but on the side, my tongue, I have a big ass tongue. But like, it's always been weird for me because like my, I've always been fat. My least favorite part of my body is my tongue because I have, it's like genetic.

I have like all these like little holes and cracks in it. Is it, are you constantly playing with it? Like, like, like. I was. That's from eating shit. No, it's not. When all the shit eats, that lizard meat, those fucking tacos, whatever you ate for dinner last night, you have no idea what this guy goes through.

Yeah. I've never heard of this before. That does not seem like you just have a big tongue. It seems to give us some kind of fun. He's down the block from Joe's pizza, but he goes to the chicken place. What do you mean I'm down the block? He's down the block from Joe's pizza at the fucking music place. I mean, walking distance to stout, but he goes, he gets in his car and goes a mile to get the

worst chicken. I mean, he's just got the, he is the kiss of death. The other day he said to me something about, well, I heard it's a bad movie. I go, what's the difference? All you see are bad movies. He paid to see Faye and the sister. Who? What?

Yeah. Remember when Tina Fey made the movie with the sister? What? I put that on the plane. I almost shot the pilot. Why would you go to that? Because this is what I got to deal with. He went to see Bad Santa too.

Even the double, even the couple, he was going to go double date with canceled on his ass two times. And that wasn't enough. He still went to see fucking Bad Santa. He is a glutton for punishment and for no reason, for no reason. He goes to Long Beach for new years. Okay. Who goes to Long Beach for new years?

And he rents a fucking HMO apartment. What do you call that shit? A gay apartment. AB&B. AB&B. Last time he rented an AB&B, he got ringworm on his head and God knows what else. Okay. I'm convinced that you just go to places and leave stuff that's going to give you a sigh

around the hotel room. The pizza was terrible. They were both sick. This never ends. If he was just do what he's supposed to do, life would be so much easier for him. But he goes around it fucking two miles away. And we all do that when we're in our 20s. That's what we sweep in our 30s.

Cleaning up the bullshit. We laid in our 20s. Not telling the chick what we really like. You tell your girlfriend, I'm a regular guy, but meanwhile, you're out with Chinese chicks getting your balls lit on fire with firecrackers. And then one day, you cheat on them, you get caught because you didn't tell her. You like to put it up her ass and come on eyeballs. You played that fucking, I'm a nice guy game.

Every mistake we make in our 20s killed me in my 30s. But he keeps doing them. It's like a fucking, he brought his father out here. Got his father's stomach sick. He took him for lizard tacos. It's well known around the corner that they have lizard meat in their tacos. Nobody goes there. The rating is even L.

Like when you go to the rating, it's L. I told him this 18 times. You think he listens? No. He takes his dad there. Next thing you know, his dad's in the hospital. Oh my gosh. Eating fucking mints.

Does he have tongue meat? Does he have tongue meat? No, he doesn't have. You have no idea what my life is surrounding. This is one part. This is one aspect of it. Bad Santa too will make your brain try to escape out of your tongue. When he told me the couple canceled, I was so happy for him.

I go, that's it. Then he made plans to go back and they canceled again. And then he said, fuck it. I'm still going to go. They walked out of the 10 minute mark. He goes to see a movie about a dog. He went to see Fences. Nothing.

I mean, this kid is the kiss of death. I'll take the dog away around. I'll take a beating if I deserve it. Fences, first of all, has like 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. And it has Denzel. You don't like it. I hate it. No, that's what I'm saying.

That's how bad Rotten Tomatoes is. It's all paid. You know Rotten Tomatoes is owned by Warner Brothers? Yeah. Is it really? Yeah. It's owned by one of the biggest production companies. I don't know if it's Warner Brothers or Paramount, but they own it.

So do you think the movie they just spent $100 million on, if it's a bad movie, they're going to let it get to a certain lower rating on Rotten Tomatoes? No. Because that's millions and millions of dollars. That'd be the dumbest thing for them ever to do. So what they do is they pick and choose which ones they have as their top fresh critics. So if this critic says, fuck, this is the worst movie ever, they'll just replace him with somebody from the New York Post that liked it.

You know, so it's like, it's all bullshit. You can't trust that. And who even knows what fences is? I'm never even heard of fences. It was a play. I had no idea. I had no idea. I just went for Denzel.

And she won the Oscar for that, by the way. I want you to say something. If Denzel ain't got a gun, don't bother. You know what I'm saying? If Denzel don't got a gun, don't waste your time. The one with the plane was all right. You know. Passenger 50 something.

No flight. That was a good one. I like that one. You know, he's made great movies. But the last 10 years, if you don't have a gun, don't waste your time. I tried to watch La La Land, man. I turned that thing off like 10 minutes. I turned them on.

I turned them on. I turned them on. If I came in here and said I watched La La Land, you'd still be talking about it. I'd expect it from you. This is something that you would do. You would do this. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

I'm not angry at you. I just, I know what you're watching. I tried to watch that whatever, Bayone by the sea. I never heard of that. Bay by the sea. The first 20 minutes. The Affleck movie. The Affleck movie was so good.

I get all the burners from Screen Actors Guild. My wife, I think my wife said the best movie she saw was the two black chicks that were engineers at NASA. That looked good. I haven't seen it, but it looked good. Yeah. Like that. She liked that.

And my wife is fucking playing Jane. So I kind of listened to it, but she chops through the bullshit real quick. Your wife's a pimp, man. I hung out with her the other day. She's a badass. I forgot how badass she is. And now with the baby, she's even more badass. Like now, like the movie, she used to give her a half hour turn.

Now she gives him 10 minutes to get down. Bam. I got one hour to fucking watch a movie. I got no time to waste on shit. Speaking of movies, you sent me this crazy clip that fucked my world up. I think it was Friday night. Oh, me and the baby? No.

Well, that, but no, the, uh, with, uh, what's his name? With the Russian roulette. Oh my God. Now you had never seen that. No. You got time to watch parks on rec two or three times and you got time to watch. Red is the purple orange or whatever the fuck you watch, whatever the fuck you watch. You got time to watch all this stupidity, but I sent you that movie and almost blew

your fucking brains. I didn't. And I was sitting at 1230 stone to the gills. Loving it. I was just going from scene to scene, listening to music, writing jokes. And I saw that scene in my head blew up and I thought you were a professional and you had seen it. Have you ever seen that movie?

Which, which movie? Dear Hunter. Yeah. Long time ago. But when he goes to get his best friend. I saw it in the 80s. In the 80s. Yeah.

He goes back to get a Christopher walking and playing at the table. And when the guy smacks him and he smacks him back, your fucking heart stops to look on De Niro's face, like staring him down my head, motherfucker. And he's telling them, I'm going to fucking kill you. I'm going to fucking kill you. And then when he's playing the gun, he keeps saying something to him to let him know that they're going to shoot everybody in that motherfucker. It's crazy.

Those were movies, were movies. Deliverance. That's a movie. That's another movie. Fucking I just re-watched that the other day. I haven't re-watched that in about 10 years because it scares the shit out of me. It scares the shit out of me. I'm not going to lie to nobody at home.

It scares the shit out of me, Doug. That movie makes me think like I'm really in danger. I know. People are walking by me that early on. Yeah. Like if you watch Deliverance by yourself, you really start to think you're in danger. Like it really, it does something to your mind. It's kind of like Pulp Fiction when they bring out the gimp and they go underneath.

The store owners take them underneath. It's like that. Those people are out there working at this chicken place and that lead likes to go to. They'll just take you and put you in the back room. Now you know why I like going there. Oh Jesus. That was a weird movie. Like Pulp Fiction when you see that and you see.

I can't watch movies like you, Joey. I have no idea how you skip between scenes. I can't watch a movie out of order. I can't watch part of a movie. I don't watch movies out of order. Who does that? No one does that. You'll fast forward to find good parts.

No, no, no, no, no. When I watched the movie the first two or three times. Oh yeah, of course. Four times. I watched the movie. But if somebody's over the house and I just want to blow their fucking mind for the minute. We ain't got time to dilly-dally. I'm only going to work the 18 scenes before that.

Is that what you mean? No. Why would I show you what would you want? What would you have done that night at one in the morning when you got that clip? You'd watch that whole four hour movie to get to that scene? Yeah. I can't. I don't watch movies on TV.

Well, how do you go to a movie? What makes you want to go to a movie? What made you want to go to Bad Santa? You saw the fucking trailer, right? No, no, no. I'm sending you a real trailer for this movie. I'm not sending you a fake trailer. All I'm sending you is a trailer of the movie and you'll watch that movie.

When I send you a clip of that close range with Sean Penn's gun and Christopher Walken's head and he's yelling at him, that scene, you'll watch that fucking movie the first shot you get. You know, that's just the way those, you know, trailers now are the movie. When you watch a trailer now, you better believe those are the best fucking scenes in that movie. And if they don't throw you out of your chair, you're going to be in for a long fucking two hours at that movie theater.

You know, I don't know when I stopped buying the, the, I'm a movie guy, guys. Come on. How the fuck do you think I'm going to speak English? What the fuck do you think I've done all my life? I'm a stoner. I enjoy watching movies. I don't enjoy watching movies no more, like new stuff at all. I don't know why.

And I don't want to be that guy that's putting the shit down, but I have no desire. Nothing jumps at me. I mean, nothing jumps at me, but I, I, and maybe it's, it's, it's wrong, but I go to, I love the movie theater. There's nothing more than a, but not to see a bad movie. Like I refuse to watch a bad movie. Like if I have a doubt with a movie, I'll just wait till the movie comes on HBO. Absolutely.

If there's a doubt before I park my car, walk, pay, pay again for my wife and walk in. If there's a doubt, I will not go see that fucking movie. And over the years, my movie numbers have gone down and down and down. Like I love going to fucking right here to Lemley. You fucking kidding me? We parked the car, me and my wife, 130. We shoot over there. We get the popcorn.

You put Parmesan cheese on the popcorn. You know, you go in there, you get raisin. That's, I get stoned to the gills. I put my phone in my side pocket. I shut it off and I watched the fucking movie. So many of those times I can honestly say I came out and the movie was sensational. Maybe three times, four times out of 10. I like it when you go out at the movie theater and you just talk about the movie.

Yeah, that's what I enjoy. That rarely happens. Yeah, that rarely happens anymore. No, you walk out and you go, there's another two hours out of my life. I'm not going to get back. That's what you say when you walk out of every fucking movie recently. That new Star Wars movie, was it Rogue One? Was it good?

Everyone told me it was fucking awesome. I love Star Wars. I haven't fallen asleep in a movie in 20 years, 30 years. I fell asleep halfway through that. That movie was so fucking boring. The end was okay, but it was way too long. You didn't care about the characters. I thought it was bad casting.

It was just awful. I'm so mad that I spent two hours, three hours of my time parking, fucking getting all this, spending all this money. I mean, I was out the door at me on a date, 50 bucks, and that movie sucked. When I could have just rented that movie, they were watching on Netflix. When people say, when you get three or four people, and they come to you and they say, a movie's good, what do you feel? I mean, what do you really believe?

I have one or two, right? Like, I totally, you know, Lee comes up to me and recommends a restaurant. I'll fucking report it to the fucking health department. You know, because I know it's that bad. The carnita plays on victory. Oh my God, he's coming by the plant going there. That is nice. Sure he is.

Nobody else goes in there. They got no other fucking customers. Every time I drive by there, the guy's outside giving samples on Victory Boulevard. Who gives out samples on Victory Boulevard? I love it. They have carnita fries. Yeah, great. You know, I don't know what, like, I always think I'm getting bullshitted.

Since I was a kid, I really always thought I was getting lied to. I didn't like signing out live. I didn't like none of that shit as a kid. All the shows that people said were popular, I'd go home and I'd wait to laugh. And I always thought, like, I was an immigrant or something and they were playing games on me. Do you know what happened to me with cocaine? The other first year I did coke, I did not get high. And I'm hearing all these people going, I love it.

Oh my God. And I'm going, what the fuck is going on here? Why am I not getting a buzz? I'm cocaine. It was killing me. $50 a pop to snort it and go, nothing happened. I had a beer. I got fucked up.

The first year I only snorted coke by itself. I didn't get high. But then I started drinking with it and I started getting fucked up. For a year, I thought that people were lying to me. Like, there was a trick on me. Like, it was a joke on me. Like, every dealer I was buying it from, somebody was calling me and going, give them the talcum powder. You know, it's not real coke.

Like, I've been lied to all my fucking life. And when I see a lot of people come up to me and tell me something's good, I don't like it. It's like gambling. Gambling is very easy to figure out. Call ten of your fucking friends and see who they like and bet against them. You'll win every fucker. You'll win eight out of ten times. Eight out of fucking ten times.

You go against the status quo. When I used to work for a sports betting service, it was mandatory. Then on the way out, I'd go, okay, you don't want to buy my services. Who do you like tonight? And they would go, I like New England and the over. And I would go, you know what? One of your teams is opposite mine. One of your choices opposite mine.

And I would call the next day and they would, it was just, it wasn't that I was a swarming. It's that you're going to fucking lose one of these two. You're not very seldom are you going to hit two. A lot of people will hit two, two weeks in a row and then die the rest of the football season, you know? So I don't, when people come to me with like a movie or restaurant, I look at the, like I have one guy, maybe two. You know what else is horrible picking movies? Joe Rogan. Oh, he sees bad fucking movies.

Oh, as much as I love him with all my heart. His movies are him and Eddie Bravo. Their movies are so bad, Eddie stopped going to the movies. Eddie finally told me two weeks ago, he just stopped going to the movies. That he just kept going to bad movies. Joe goes to the movies with his family. But he goes to see like, but he'll go see Werewolf of London and those types of remake that are just pure junk. There's nothing, you'll never see him again.

Like all these Godzilla movies and King Kong movies. I can't, if I don't see Japanese people running, I don't want to see Godzilla at all. That's the way I watched it. You're in it just for this scared Japanese. Who would pay to go see King Kong today? Like did it win this weekend? It actually did. I hate to say it.

This might be Lee, but it actually looks pretty decent. People are running out. It's so bad. Yeah. Somebody else went to see it. The one I heard as good as the Wolverine one. Yeah. Logan's good.

I heard that. I heard Logan's good. And I trust that because it's. I won't go see it either. No, that's a Netflix. No, that's not my type of flick anyway. I had a weird relationship with movies. I know you did too.

I mean, because I worked in the movie theater for like off and on for like six years. So those six years and then my friend at the theater had a card that I could see free movies. So for six years I worked there and then my first two years out here, I saw almost everything. So it was like when I'm when you're talking about like bad Santa, I know it's going to be shitty, but I remember like I'm just going because I loved bad Santa. No, no, no, no. I don't know. I do.

No sentimental movies for me. Once I see what's that called a number two. Poobies. No. What do you call the second movie? Oh, a sequel. Once I see a sequel, I already get fucking. I already get fucking.

I already got ready. Yeah. There's barely any sequels that actually live up to. I really, I'm done. I'm done. Once I see sequel, I know and then I see the timing of the sequel. Okay. Like when those two morons, when Jim Carrey and his partner did that one movie where they

played morons, but then Jim Carrey didn't want to do it. Also, he loses his popularity and now he wants to pull it off. When I heard it was God awful. It was awful. Just God awful. I didn't finish that one. You know, it was forced like forced comedy. You've never, I've worked on movies.

See, once they say, once you see behind the curtain, but I've worked like, I got it. I got it. I got it when I was shooting the longest yard and I thought it was very embarrassing. I got it. That how the staff has to keep your spirits high while you're shooting a movie. So they have to clap after every scene. They have to be second when you go to the improv and there's a comic up in like San Francisco or somewhere artsy, his friends come and they clap and they laugh differently.

So you can hear, you know, don't do that. Don't do that. I rather don't laugh. I rather you don't do shit. Don't do that. It just sounds shitty. You know, that's the same kind of fake laughter on sets. You know, and I would watch it.

I studied that shit. I love movies. But then when I started doing movies, then you start watching the marketing of the movies and what they actually, I'm going to tell you what the saddest day of my life was. The Super Bowl when I watched the screening at the longest yard and I saw Adam Sandler at the screening put his finger in his mouth and put it in the referees here. I nearly went back to my room and had a nervous breakdown because I wasn't there that day when they shot that.

If I would have been there with that shot, I would have lit the cameras on fire. Do you understand? Because that's the longest yard, a movie about convicts. Convicts don't stick their fingers in another convict's ear or another fucking referee's ear. Do you understand? Like all this shit, like when I saw that style of marketing, I thought the longest yard, when we were on the set, they were telling us it was going to be marketed a different way. When we got there, it was marketed completely different and that broke my fucking heart.

Spider-Man was marketed how they said it was going to be marketed. You know, I was a Spider-Man guy when I was a kid, but after you're 13, you discover titties. There's no more Spider-Man. You know what I'm saying? After you discover that little monkey, there's no more Spider-Man in your life. You can't show up with the girls and talk about Spider-Man. So I lost the Spider-Man thing and then when the first movie came out, believe it or not, I went to see the first one.

I wanted to date with my wife and said, let's go see Spider-Man. It was kind of, I liked it. I liked it too. I liked it. Spider-Man 3 ruined me for life. How bad was Spider-Man 3? There's a scene where he's dancing, like he's like balancing on chairs, like Peter Parker, like being all romantic and it just crushed me.

It was over. It was over after that. I can't get into that series, Spider-Man with Toby McGuire and I can never get into... The new one's horrible. The new one's like Twilight Spider-Man. There's two new ones. Like there's a Spider-Man and then they just remade it again and then Lord of the Rings. When those came out, I didn't get a job at Blockbuster because I told them I didn't like Lord of the Rings.

The manager, we got real upset. I like Lord of the Rings. The three hours long of the same thing. I can't watch any of those movies. I can never even turn that shit on to Harry Potter. I call my wife Terry Potter. I like Harry Potter. I call my wife Terry Potter because I come home and she'd be watching that shit.

I don't even... I have this like Star Trek. I've hated Star Trek since I was a kid. Not because I like the characters. I like Spock. I didn't like the music in the beginning as a child. When I was a little kid and I heard that music, it scared the fuck out of me. I don't like sci-fi.

I don't like sci-fi. You like Star Wars growing up? Nothing. I wouldn't go see any of that stuff if you fucking paid me. It's so weird how it was such a huge part of generations. Like I didn't know how big it was till Carrie Fisher and her mother died. How many people went crazy over Carrie Fisher over being Prince Layla? I didn't know who the fuck Prince Layla was.

When Prince Layla came out, I was smoking dope, hanging out behind St. Michael's Union City. I never fell for none of that shit as a kid. Even as a kid, I got wise. I would look at the trailers and go, that's not happening. That's not happening. That's not happening. And my friends were going. I wouldn't go and they get pissed off at me.

My karate friends used to go to those things. I didn't like none of those geeky movies. Yeah. I was pretty much all the shit you were supposed to watch when you were a kid growing up at Star Wars, Back to the Future, Gremlins, Goonies. I watched all that crap. That's all I had. I lived in Ohio.

I didn't have anywhere cool to go or anyone cool to rob. It was just like farmland and movie theaters. No. Like I said, and that's why I'm really surprised at the movies today, like how I act towards movies today. I'm sad about it. Like it really bothers me that I get great recommendations. Some people listen to the podcast really closely, listen and some guys really send me like great

recommendations. I'm like, what was the last one somebody sent me that I put on Netflix and it was fucking great. I even thanked the guy on like a Facebook. That's how. You've watched all the black mirrors, right? The new black mirror. No.

You smoke a number and watch the new black mirror. It's just the first episode. I think it's like an hour and a half long. You'll be addicted and watch them all in a row probably. They're just, they really are mind fucks and they really do a good job of using stuff that we deal with all the time, like text messaging and security on your phone and like really relatable. That's not going to work.

It's like Twilight Zone. No, I don't want to watch. I don't want to watch. You just lost me with text messages. No, no, no. That's just an example. It's like Twilight Zone. Text message.

I like people getting shot. I like, I love, love movies. I love simple. Like I did that. Watch the first wives club. What the fuck? I'm one of those dudes. But then I watch trains playing in an automobile and then I watch, you know, I don't like combo

movies where I see them coming like a baby when I close my eyes. That movie. What was that? Armageddon. Yeah. You lost me in the middle of that. I like that movie. As a kid.

As a kid. I used to have VCRs when you were growing. I still have my VCRs. I still have VHS tapes. That's where all my. I still got some VHS tapes like early footage of me doing stand-up hidden deep, deep, deep. I used to make movies. Like, you know, growing up, we would have a video camera and we'd use two VCRs.

They edit them together. Like, I made a movie about carrots coming from outer space called carrots. You can like, they're on YouTube and it's like called carrots one, carrots two, doggy dissolvers, another one. But I would just make these short movies. We didn't have YouTube to put it up. So what we did is we just carried these VHS tapes around and go, hey, I brought my movie. You want to watch it?

Stupid. You guys are so lucky nowadays. If we grew up at that, you know, having cell phones and stuff like that, do you think you would be doing a lot more comedy stuff like making films and stuff like if you were 21 right now? I don't know. When I grew up, it's not cool to take pictures or use film. Yeah, but it wasn't around.

They don't have tape recorders. Like, they didn't react well to that type of shit. They're not Hollywood-y. You know, they could give a fuck up. So I don't know how, what a way. They have a school now, like a charter school in my hometown and one of my best friends brother runs the film and they do a podcast called Pizza Time with kids. You know, it's to put the kids through a program of knowing everything.

What's going on now? You know, they do podcasts. They do short films. You know, I called them. When I went to New York last time, I had no addition. I called them up and said, can I put it on tape down there? And he goes, yeah, but at six o'clock, I couldn't do it that late. I had to get it back here earlier.

So I wish I had the education. Would I be making films? Probably Roadster stuff. I don't know. You know, you know, guys, I don't know. No, I never wanted to shoot really a film. I really liked what we did with when we got the money and we did the documentary, but I'm not one of those people.

I'm not, you know, there's a lot of comedians that become directors and producers. You know what? I just want to be a fucking comedian. How's that for you? It's never been easier. Like even back then, I had a video camera that took VHS tapes and I was always the one doing it because none of the other kids wanted to do it. I was always that kid.

But now, now it's on your phone. Everyone can do it. I don't know how I feel about buying movies online, like digital copies of it. I would have gone broke as a guy. I used to love going, I would go to Best Buy or... Hold on one second. You don't know how you're going to feel about buying digital movies. About buying...

No, not like versions of actual films. Like if I was going to have a library. I have hundreds of specials that I download from people, but like that's... People just selling those. I'm talking about like if you wanted to go buy the Outlaw of Josie Wales. Like have your actual movie collection digitally. Oh, no, no. I want my shit solid.

I say that, but I just put 15 boxes of VHS tapes, DVDs and Blu-rays in my storage unit the other day. And I'm like, I'll never see those again. I know in like five years I'll forget and go, I should throw this away or something. You know, like it's to me, it's so much easier. If I could have my whole movie collection on my phone, at my house, on my laptop, anywhere I would go. You know, I could just be like, oh, I want to watch it in the best version of it. You know, the best digital version of it. I don't know.

I think it used to be cool back in the day because that was our only option. But like having a disc that can scratch or... I don't know. I'm not into it anymore. I can't watch movies on my phone. Like I refuse to let myself watch videos and movies on my phone. I don't even want to fucking go there. I got to make a decision because I got to get a computer.

So my wife wants to get me a pad from Sprint where you get the hotspots even in hotels where you don't have a spot and all that shit. So I always have access. Your phone has that? Right. Something weird. I don't know. Listen, we're not going to get into it. But I dread going to the Sprint store.

Like I want to go get rid of this iPhone and just get a regular flip phone. Like a flip phone? Go back to it? Yeah. Listen, I checked Twitter around here and Periscope. That's my only new use. Well, you won't be able to do Periscope on a flip phone. Okay.

I'm going to get a GoPro or something. And I... Yeah. And then you have... And then I have... I use my fitness to put my calories in and the fucking alarm clock and the timer. That's all the use I have out of that phone. I don't have Facebook on there.

I don't want to be on Facebook on this fucking phone and say, no, no, no. I don't want none of that shit. None of that shit. I don't text. What do I need a fucking phone for? I mean, I really don't, bro. I mean, I'm to the point where a phone is becoming a fucking convenience now. I'm having it in my pocket.

I miss just having a phone at the fucking house. Okay. What about this? What if you get in a car accident and you need to film and take photos of everything and good quality? If I didn't kill the other guy, he's got a fucking phone. Let him take pictures. I don't know.

Why would you even put that on me? Get in a fucking car? No, no, no, no. I mean, like... Who would do that? Who would fucking do that? I don't want to get in the car. I was like, hey, I was a goer and you're like, I want to take a photo.

Do you ever see me take a picture with anybody? It's the most embarrassing fucking thing in the world. You want to do a blog? No, I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to do nothing. I want, this is what I want. I want the Russians to hack the whole camera system in the universe right now. That's what my gift is for Christmas, that nobody could use their fucking camera.

That would be the best day of my life. That would be the best day of my life. There'd be so many Americans that would be happy because we could live again without cameras everywhere and people taping you every time you do something. You can't do that no more. You will go to jail for everything now. And don't get me started on the pictures when you're in a restaurant and fucking around. There's no reason for this shit.

There's no reason to take all these pictures of celebrities and shit. I never would go up to somebody and go, can I take a picture where you get the fuck out of my face? Get the fuck out of my face, you know? It embarrasses the shit out of me. And there's a time and a place for a fucking picture. That's the problem with Americans. There's a time and a fucking place for a picture guy.

It's not 7.30 in the morning at a fucking airport when there's 200 people that are standing there and they're watching you and they don't know who the fuck you are. And now you're going to get bugged incessantly until, you know what I'm saying? You board the fucking plane or whatever. That's what the goddamn promise. I saw Charles Barkley at the airport. He walked right in front of me and somebody goes, hey, Charles. He goes, not even in a fucking, like he told the guy I wouldn't take that, don't take that

fucking camera out. He knew. He knew the janitor. Like he's always in Philadelphia at this airport. Wherever the fuck we landed. And the guy's like, Charles, let's do a picture. He goes, put that goddamn camera away. You know what?

I felt really fucking happy. I felt really happy that I thought I just felt like that. There's a time and a place for fucking everything. I just was on the plane for four hours. I don't want to talk to nobody, guy. I don't want to talk to nobody. I want to say hello. How are you doing and getting my fucking call or walk to the cab and get the fuck out of

you? Those cameras have created to me in my world such a fucking nuisance because right now if this fails, I can't become a criminal again. You can't rob shit. You can't hit nobody in the head with a stick. You can't do nothing no more. And it's getting worse. It's not getting any better.

I got those new Snapchat spectacles where there's sunglasses and you just push a button and just records. It says whatever you're seeing is recording video. So it's going to get to the point where everything's going to be recording all the time. Yeah, you can't be a criminal anymore. No, you can't be nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

And it's appreciated for a lot of situations. I don't know what the fuck it is with LA County. There's more hit and runs in LA fucking County. Every morning I wake up to an old lady getting hit. You know, some guy getting hit. Breaking news. Police chases every day. It's a fucking crime.

How high is your car? My car insurance goes up every... I haven't had an accident in years, but it keeps going up because I guess where I live, they have 8,000 cars. Every day there's a police chase. Right. Like every day there's a police chase here. And you're not doing anything different and your car insurance is just going up.

It keeps going up. I would recommend getting a new car insurance for sure. Yeah. Because mine doesn't go up ever. I have had the same car insurance for 10 years. What insurance are you using? Mercury. There you go.

Mercury is one of the worst car insurance companies in the world. Well, here's the thing. I got... When I first moved here, I had a shitty parking space and I had two people slam into me and I got into one accident because someone stopped short on the 405. And if you hit someone from the back, you're in trouble. And so I have like one more year until it's completely off because every time I try to go somewhere else, it's like double what I'm paying now.

It'll take five minutes to get a new rate just online just to see what they say. Oh, no, no. That's what I'm saying. It's like I have to wait until... Yeah, exactly. I would love to see what that fucking insurance is about. Oh, that channel. What about that?

Have you seen that one around here? It's like Jessica's insurance. Like there's just this one lady now who just has her own insurance company. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck with that, Jessica. Now, you got to go with the classics like State Farm, Allstate, shit like that. Yeah, they want to charge me like 400 a month right now.

Now, you just put all your insurance together. Your renter's insurance. They give you a good deal. Well, you know, ma'am, I used to... My first wife was a fucking her family on the insurance company. I don't know how much money we spent on insurance every month. We had insurance for fucking everything. And I never saw the fucking value with it.

You know what I'm saying? We had insurance for everything. We had insurance for the baby born. I mean, every time something, it's raining. Let's get insurance. They had insurance for everything. I didn't know much about it, man. I didn't know how to fucking work, but I tell you one thing.

Every time you look into insurance, there's always a fucking, by the way. So, again, as an American, you always think you're getting fucked. I got SAG insurance. And there's always a by the way with them. You know, every once in a while, I get a call. We're going to stop sending you sleep apnea masks. Why? Because insurance canceled it.

What? And then we got to call insurance and go, what's the problem? Oh, well, we... No, dog, no. This is forever. This is forever. Everyone... And then they make me go to the doctor every year.

Like every doctor, like I go to my primary physician eight times a year for anything. I get anything. I go to the doctor. But for me to get filters and fucking new masks and new everything, they make me drive to third street. Like down and fucking... They get hard on you. But he's fired. He got fired after I lost my machine last time.

It broke. He never called me back. Do you know why? Because what these breeding doctors did after were like, I was going to him and it was great. It was like going to a friend. He even called into the podcast one time and spoke about sleep apnea. He got like four patients. Four people went down there.

He was great. But then guess what happened? He got greedy and he started selling sleep apnea supplies. So every time I go in there, I get an ear beating. How I had to buy the supplies for him. And I'm like, no dog. I've been with Epcot since day one. Wow.

You know, I'm an old school type of guy. They work fine. I know Jimmy. I can call Jimmy from anywhere in the fucking world and then Jimmy will overnight me, whatever the fuck I need. Then guess what they did? Then they opened up a sleep apnea place. So now every time I go see him, he goes, hey, it's been your year.

You got to do one of those sleep apnea tests. I don't want anybody to take this the wrong way because if you have sleep apnea, I really hope that you're getting diagnosed because it only gets worse and the result is death. So what I'm about to say, I hope it doesn't affect anybody the wrong way. The sleep apnea test, the primary first test you take to determine sleep apnea is one of the biggest pain he asks you to ever deal with in your life. I'm telling you this. I don't know how I did it the first time.

They wire you up from head to toe, like Doc Ock. There's a little suction cups all over your body and it's all plugged into machines too or one machine. I don't know the exact thing. And then they play with your emotions because let's say your number, what you're breathing at is two. Let's just say it's at eight. They'll leave it at eight till you fall asleep and they'll turn it down to two to see how

long it takes you to react and choke and wake up. Wow. They do that to you like six or seven times and then he, you are at four in the morning and they come in and go, all right, your test is over and have a good night. And you're like, what do I do at four in the fucking morning on Wilshire Boulevard? How do I get home? Like, you know, I haven't slept. I want to stay in the fucking, you woke me up every 20 minutes to lower the breath.

Yeah. And now you got to drive home. I mean, it's horrible. Wow. It's horrible. And the time I went to his place, I could smell the cologne in there from the people before and you could smell feet and shit. I've been to take that test three times in the last five years and I leave in the middle

of it. I last one hour. Wow. Once they turned the power down, I go, why you turned the power down? Why are you Frankensteining me here to fucking two? You know, I'm at fucking 14. Why would you fucking try to kill me? Well, we want to see your reaction.

There's no reaction. Bye. I take the fucking wires off and I go to fuck home. One guy was really cool. One guy looked at me and he goes, dog, you need to get high. You need to chill. I go, you got weed. He goes, fuck you.

I own a weed store. He owned a weed store and he was a sleep tech part time. Yeah. Do you have sleep apnea? I feel like I have that because I wake up tired or I wake up like, okay, I feel like I didn't get any sleep and I want to go back to bed. That's how I wake up every day. Does the girlfriend say you smell?

I've always snored, but it's like, I think that's just comes with smoking cigarettes because you get goobers when you smoke cigarettes. So when you're sleeping, you get that, you know, that extra flim in your mouth. I think if I quit smoking, I probably wouldn't have it, but well, when I quit smoking very soon, but what happens when you, because every time I lose a weight, I stop snoring. Yeah. Well, you have a big fat tongue with like worms coming out of it. I do.

It's terrible. You know, I just learned something about parliaments, parliaments, cigarettes. I don't know if I told you this or not. So people that do cocaine usually smoke parliaments because they can put cocaine in the, in the filter, you know, instead of using a key, you just do this, put it in, whatever. And so I'm looking at this box the other day and there's a line of coke right on the front of the box. You see it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's even an arrow, there's even an arrow pointing down at it like, Hey, idiot. So they market it, they market it to cocaine people. Yep. I never bought parliaments, but if you had them before in the morning, I'd show a fucking smoke them if you had them. Yeah. No, Jesus Christ, it's going to be 10 years since I'd lasted.

That's what I remember. I remember when you used to do it. Yeah. Long time ago. You know, I was telling these, I was telling somebody about the time we were taping the Joe show when you tape that conversation, tell these people at my lope, what, what date was that? It was about 10 years ago, 11 years ago.

It was right before I got off. Yeah, right before it was like the winter before I quit cocaine and used to be, you were going through something where you kept on getting really like serious where you said, you know, you feel that your spirit has left you, you left your body, that you're over, like you really made everyone in our group believe that you were dying and you were like not telling us something or because you seem like you seem like you lost a thousand dogs, you know, like, I mean, it was so we recorded you. I documented that time.

The video is somewhere on the internet. It's called Joe Ideas Ready to Die. It was really interesting because that's when I first started meeting you or first started with you by that point. Yeah, but it's been like a couple of years, you know, but then I saw you overnight just become this person. It was terrible. And the shit you were talking about.

It wasn't the Joey today. It was like the sad version of you. No, no, no, it was, you know, we had Chris Herod on the night and he went through a bunch of drug shit, you know, and that's why I wanted to have a light podcast tonight. I said, I want to have some jokes and fucking around. But somebody had asked me about those videos recently and I told him, go online and look at the shape I was in. Like, I remember exactly what I did that weekend, like it was, I spent maybe 600 bucks that

I did not have. Like at the time, I did not have this money. And in those days, I had a guy that would deliver right to your room. I met him at the UFC. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. I remember that weekend. This is crazy.

You know what? I don't know if you remember this. You gave me a little and you put it in my front pocket and my coat. I forgot that I had it in there because I was wasted when you did that. I found it about a year ago. I put on the jacket and I pulled it out and I was like, holy shit. I know what this is from. I did it too.

It was great. That was still, it still worked. My friends were in town from Jersey. I was there with you, Rogan and somebody else, Ari, maybe. Yeah. And I basically went to the room when we got there, got the delivery. I didn't do any coke before the show and I think right from the fucking show, I split. But why?

We were there like two nights. In Jersey. No, in Vegas. We shot that in Vegas. Yeah, Vegas. Yeah. But we shot that the second night. Right.

I think we were there the first night was, or the second night was the UFC or the first night was the UFC. Something was crazy. So we filmed a special and then there was a UFC or something. Like I left the UFC, like Joe said something to me, like he goes, my friend, the lone war guy said you went and left and I go, oh, people were bothering me and asking me questions about Adam Sandlin. They pissed me off.

Right. But Joe knew I had lied to him. Like I couldn't even watch the UFC. Like I was like, I got to go to the room and get hot. And the guy was bringing me Vicodins and Darvissettes and Valium and you know me. I was eating all three of them together. Like fucking. And then we go to do this show and it's being you in a room and you're like, what's your

problem or something. And I go, you know, man, it's fucking over. Like it's over for me. Like I don't see me. First of all, I've been here for seven years or six, six and a half years or no, at that point in eight years, I have no success at no level. Like the only success I had was the comedy store and I booked like mad TV and like cold case, but there was no success.

And then I got a shot to do the longest yard and the movie comes up number two and all these people on the set of going dog, when this movie comes out, your phone's not going to stop ringing. Well, the movie came out and then the phone didn't fucking ring. You know, not at all. Like I got called into two pilots or something and I got a meeting with Tom Hanks. That was it. Like nobody else called.

So it just kept mounting like it kept mounting, mounting, mounting. So the movie came out in May of 2005 by fucking December, 2005, I was a mess. And all the two now 2006, I got the fat ball removed. That's right. And that was when we thought you knew what that fat ball was because you would say make it cute. Like you like you would have jokes about it, like giving it a cigarette or something and like how you just had this big like cyst type thing on your neck and neck.

He just told us it was just fat juice or something like that. And me and Joe, I think it's something worse. That's why he's so depressed and he's going through this thing. We thought you knew what it was and it was like, you didn't want to tell us like, hey, no, no, they knew from the beginning it was so weird cancer. And I just, I couldn't do this girl. I was dating any justice, you know, I was fucking failing as a comic, you know, the only shot I got, nothing had turned from it and I was deep in the bag.

And by that point, I was deep in anything you had by 2006, I was deep into whatever you had. Like when I went to El Compadre, if you had, you know, I went through the crack episode, you know, I still remember getting the surgery on Tuesday, not doing coke, like one day before, like they said, stop 30 days before the surgery, I stopped the night before, like I stopped before in the morning. Yeah. And then I fucking, I'll never forget going home and snorting coke and blood was coming

out of the stitches. Like what point of your life do you have? I had nothing, man. And this poor girl who loves me, I can't do nothing. I pay half the rent one month and one month I wouldn't pay rent. Like we had to get a fucking loan for $600 a month for six years. We paid $6.36 a month for six years from the disaster I did at that house and I just wouldn't work.

And then Joe was just, I was just doing road gigs with Joe and basically snorting my fucking ass off that poor kid and he knew it and he was starting to get depressed on me. Yeah. He gets upset about that. He really was getting upset and then 2007 hit and I was on a real tear and then I started doing heroin. That summer I was like, you know what, I'm not going to last, I'm going to just do heroin and that'll slow it down and then by the grace, I still remember going to San Francisco with

you and we were at that fucking hotel with the nautical that had the red seafood soup. Yeah. Yeah. The red chowder from the mermaid place. We stayed at, we were cops and we would stay in there and I still remember going to San Francisco and being clean for two months. Like it was the exact day, like January, we were up there and remember the room was sold out around the corner and it was me, you, bunch of us.

Remember they found a suitcase across the street from the hotel in the water in the ocean and it was a woman chopped up in pieces. Do you remember that? And there's that famous picture of me and you both sitting in the windowsill and we're like, we're both squeezed into this window sill. We're looking at the police across the street, like taking the body out of the suitcase out of the water. It was just like, wow, we're just watching this crazy CSI shit.

It was such a bad, like part of me wants that tape to get taken off, but the other part of me, no, because I want people to see where I was. It's not, whenever I look at it, I don't even know who that person is. And it's good for people to see that because a lot of people go through shit like that. And I tell people, dog, just hang in there, stick it out and you'll be fucking like, we talk about it all the time, the beauty on the other edge, the other side of this, like what's happened. I got married, you know, the baby, I mean, the beauty has fucking evolved.

And anyone in our group was going through shit. Remember, like Ari was going through depression, he thought he was going to die soon, Duncan was going through a horrible breakup, Eddie Bravo was so poor that like he could like he was so broke. And then overnight, everybody has, you know, really changed their life around. Like it was, there was some, it's just to show you, man, like so many people come up to me and go, you know, if it wasn't for the podcast, I had no life and I was just working this horrible job and I was depressed all the time.

I didn't want, you know, I thought my life was over. And then they, you know, they started listening to podcasts now they feel like they have friends and shit like that. You hear that shit all the time, you know, so it's, it's really interesting that we documented that time of your life because that, that, uh, that really was a, uh, one of the first times I ever had a friend really, like I felt like when my friend was going to die, that's never happened before in my, I've had people just kill themselves, but I've never had somebody like, I didn't think I was going to kill myself.

No, I thought you, I thought you were going to die. I just thought that my, I just thought that my heart was going to stop and then something came over me. Like when I went to, when Marilyn got the cancer, that was, that was, that was it. Freddie Soto. Yeah. But once Marilyn got the fucking cancer was when I went to a house and I'm like, you know what, dying doesn't look like fun.

Yeah. It really doesn't. As much as I don't like what I'm doing and all the problems I got going on right now, you know what dying really doesn't look like a lot of fucking fun, especially having cancer. I mean, she was fine at the store and then I find out she didn't go to bathroom for two weeks. And the next thing you know, she's in a hospital, Jack. Yeah.

That was overnight. That was overnight. Yeah. Over fucking night. So once I saw what was going on with her, I was like, you know what, I think I'm going to give this life a chance. Let me just see what the fuck we could do here. That is cool.

Where do you get to? I need one of these poker bowl things. These are the people that sponsor Doug Benson's podcast years ago. Yeah. And we went on there and the guy said, you never got your poker and I go, no, I bumped into a real nice guy at Perennial and he mailed me this for Christmas. So it was very nice. Oh, that's great.

Yeah. That's a perfect convention because instead of using like a pen, a big pen and ruin your pen. We had the Trump. We had the fucking Trump pick and the Trump pick with the Trump pink and the pens for each candidate here. Do you guys remember like what you guys thought the internet was like when you first heard of the internet?

What did you imagine it was going to be for? Like what were your first impressions of the internet? The first internet I used was weird. It was like modem based and my friend was the he was a huge nerd at that already and he would like hack our library and he could like take books off, you know, like we had past two books and stuff. He had he found a way to dial into the library and then access their main frame or something. Like Ferris Bueller sort of.

It was like early cloak and dagger days. Like like I didn't then the real first internet when it was like AOL one, two. It was so slow. It was neat, but it was like photos and stuff and you know, it took like five minutes to download a photo of a naked girl and usually just started masturbating and you got to like the top of the nipple and you're like, all right, I'm not I'm done. I don't know. I didn't think it was going to be like this.

Broadband is what really changed the internet, you know, fast internet. I don't know nothing about what you guys see. He's now he's getting upset because we're. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is interesting just to tell you how I was moving along life with no knowledge about this. Yeah, well, you used to like, even in the videos that we were just talking about, you used to not you'd scream fire if if you somebody texted you or or left even a voicemail, you know, back then.

Well, the voicemail thing just seemed like I fucking hate him because there's no need for the voicemail because I tell him that you call when I look and it's a fucking 22 minute voicemail, I don't call you back just out of principle. I don't do you even like my what I guess you do is you're like the only person that calls me, but I keep my phone in private mode or like night mode so that any phone calls just goes right to voicemail. Like, I don't know how that gives me some anxiety. I don't talk on the phone.

I hate the phone. I hate regular mail. I check my regular mail every three months. I empty it out into a trash bag and it's like 10% shit. I wish I got this earlier, but the rest is 90% of trash. You know, it's like ripping off the Band-Aid instead of going to the fucking mailbox every day and getting crap in there and you just have to throw away. I just do it every couple months and just put it in a trash bag.

It's mail day. It's horrible. Sometimes I like jury summons. It's bad because you're like shit. I like the fucking mail. I like when I get letters and shit. I had a friend that was in prison. I kept writing them letters.

We kept writing ourselves back. I got to be honest with you. He got into the prison and I fucking miss it. I really do. I miss writing them handwritten letters and explain what the fuck's going on and shit. We call each other now. He's in the halfway house in San Fran, but fuck. I miss writing those letters to him.

So go ahead. Another one. Let's do this. What the fuck? Lee, you've been dicking around lately. Last time I was here, Lee, your eyes were rolled back in your head. I've been going through training. We might have to know you've been even going through changes.

I had 1600 tonight. You mean that and you got to do two more still. You're right. The bank. Yeah, you're a little busy. You gotta do that. Bang it. What are you waiting for flowers?

What are you typing in? Well, what are you going to call me and people get mad at me? It's just the cameras. And when they see my finger, they're like, so you're twitching. You have you're having seizures because of the marijuana. Well, there's a lot of people that worry about you because it's pretty interesting that you keep up with Joey if you know, that's this. I mean, yeah, I've never even tried to attempt that.

And I've been hanging since 14. I've been doing mushrooms. You know, so it's not the strength. It's the no, he's done greatly. He's done really good. I expected a couple of ambulances to come by. How do you have no evidence? You have to keep the milk in the refrigerator.

Like, oh, this fixes everything, you know, you know, we've done the acid. We did the whole thing. I did not have any clue of the computer when I met you guys. And the most impressed, listen, I'm like, fucking Eddie Murphy and that's delirious. You want to impress me, take the wheel. I'm going to tell you what made me open up the computer. Fourth of July, we did 2008.

When I saw a Rogan sell out the Irvine improv with no radio. Like he didn't have a touch of radio. And I'm like, this kid's onto something. Is it my space? It was my space and I went and I got on my space and I always had a hotmail account. I've had a hotmail account since 97. You still have a hotmail account?

Oh, fuck yeah. God, has that given you that's dangerous, isn't it? It seems very dangerous. No, when they see hotmail, they think old people and fucking retarded people. They don't think of nothing. The only people are getting hacked are you motherfuckers. So I had a hotmail account for years. I still had it.

And then I went on my space and then my space had a blog thing. So I started writing the blog. I remember that was awful, but I didn't give a fuck. It wasn't what I was right. It was just that I started remembering my life again. You know, I saw how important it was when I first moved here. I had nothing to do in Doug stand up and say, write your life, bro. That shit's fucking interesting shit.

And I go, what are you talking about? Get the fuck away from me. It took me like 15 years to start writing and remembering different events. And, you know, like just really, but that was the first time I ever used. And then I was going to Vegas to do what's that stupid thing I used to do where they used to we used to spy on you with a camera and we catch you. Tracy Morgan was the host. Yeah, what the fuck?

I forgot all about that. Yes, I would fly to Vegas on Wednesday. Oh my God. Can you find that anywhere? Oh, please. They're all on YouTube. Oh, sweet. They're all on YouTube. I forgot all about that. What's the name of that show? I did leave. I don't even know the camera.

Oh, is it the scared facts? Scared tactics. Scared tactics. That's right. You come in like, what the fuck? Like a mafia guy and stuff. So I was shooting scare tactics. But at the time I go, well, you know, like I was really trying to beat Coke.

So I would join Taekwondo and I would go if I if I if like, it would kill me to go to Taekwondo because it was at seven and I couldn't touch a line of Coke till I went to Taekwondo. Even if I didn't have a set, I would go fuck. I want to do a line of Coke, but I would make me go to Taekwondo. And I would see how we go to Taekwondo the mornings. Then I found out he had not 1030 class. I'm like, I'm going to go to Taekwondo in the morning.

Here I am. Four hundred pounds with a karate suit on. All right. Doing Taekwondo on a set bullvard. And I would see like Chinese people like tourists. Like a 930 quarter 10 walking up Sunset Boulevard. And they'd just be looking from window to window. You know, like, oh, look, that's an interesting store. And that's an interesting. And also never look at the karate school.

And they would actually look in the glass and I would see their look. The size of me with a Gion throwing sidekicks and shit. And they would call their friends over and they would all just put their hands on the glass and watch me. And I felt like a fucking zoo animal, but it felt good. No way. Yeah, I'm in here throwing fucking sidekicks, you know, with the Gion and one day I'm coming back from the sky.

Wake up on morning and I'm flying back from fucking Vegas. And I'm like, what if I put a fucking karate suit on and did a form on YouTube? That's exactly how Joey Karate was born. I would see people's reactions when I was throwing kick kicks over there. And I started doing Joey Karate's and people went nuts with the Joey Karate's. I was getting fucking hit up by everybody. Like, I was getting hit up by karate instructors.

People wanted me to do seminars. There was a fight league that wanted to hire me for me to go during their fight league and walk around and talk to people in the audience. Like karate suit on. You have no idea how hard if you wanted to, could you have had like a career going around the country and like a karate suit doing like weird karate comedy? Like, if I would have committed to it

right now, I would have been going to parties. I wouldn't have been selling out of rain. This is Joey Karate. But I would have been doing my mistress with a small nickel. You know what I'm saying? Like some fucking fact. Chop a ham and ham. Yeah, we want Joey Karate.

You know what I'm saying? Like. No, if I would have stuck with it, I think by now, like really committed to it and got different keys and up the production value like fire, getting shot at being shit. Stop. Shit. I would have been huge right now. I would have been going to kids' parties. I would have been like a fat superhero around the same time.

Joey got a deal with Verizon. They used to have this thing called Vcast when videos first started coming on phones. And he had this idea to have this this thing called Fat Man on a Toilet. And what it is is Joey Diaz sitting on a toilet naked, but then telling you the morning news or traffic or weather. And it was such a ridiculous idea. But Joey's like, you got to come up, record me over at my friend's house. It's a hundred and twenty degrees in this in this bathroom on the side of this house.

And I have a camera. I'm right in front of a naked Joey Diaz on the toilet. And we were just doing cut after cut after cut of like today, the stock market like that. And then the woman who owned the house is why or the person who owned the house is why he's like a movie producer. So I forget. But she came in with lemonade. Remember, she's like, would you guys like any lemonade?

She just looks over at Joey naked on the toilet. And I remember thinking like, what the fuck am I doing with my life right now? Like the smell in that room. And then I started throwing the toilet paper and I hit you in the balls. Oh, my God. But here's the funny thing. Let me tell you something about that concept. Let me tell you what the funny thing about that concept was. That concept would have worked four years ago.

We were actually seven years ahead of the game. Yeah. Because right now, if I put that periscope, if I put a camera. Fine. If I fucking take periscope and every morning I wake up and I take a shit and I do it on Periscope with weed, soda, the fucking newspaper, the fucking TV and I announce the news like while I'm watching the news, I'm just taking a shit the cameras on me and I got a newspaper. I got something to eat in there. You should do it right now.

No, but I got to know what is shit. I don't have to shit. You have a fancy toilet now. So you could also get in with the toilet manufacturers like Toto or something and they can start sending you them. And then that'd be a good idea right now. I think it would have been perfect for Snapchat. What I really want to do right now is the other night that night, I said, lead a video of D Hunter.

I was going through some facts. We're going to play these two real quick. I want you to play What I Lie to You by the Eurythmics. You know, I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing about. Women, women and their rights and how they should act. It's no, no, no, no, I'm not going off on a bad tangent here. You know, it's life.

It seems like, especially in Studio City, I talk to this girl on my block and every time I talk to, I get depressed. Because I know her for 30 years and she used to be a strong fucking woman. And now she's brought into this hype. OK, I want you to watch this. You're going to die. Who's in the beginning of this video? All right, What I Lie to You, the Eurythmics.

Let me see what they have for. I'm going to show you two videos. That one, but go all the way to the beginning. What I lie to you all the way to the beginning. I think I think we're at the meeting. No, no, no, no, you're not. The beginning is keep going right there. That's the beginning.

Watch this and put the volume on to this. See, this is how long this is. Watch this woman on stage. So I want to do a show where I just get two, three videos a night on Periscope. And show people these music videos. Click it, Lie. Hit it. Watch who's in this video.

All right, go back because I don't know. We were right there. Yeah, Lie, right there. I'm sorry. Put this on loud. I can't understand it. Look who's in the video, Lie. You ready?

Hey, give us a go now. Come on, don't. All right. It's really strange. Look at the little boy for this in the video, Lie. You got me home late tonight. Huh? You know something.

What? I might not even be there. Fine. OK, stop. Have fun. Who is it? Stephen Bauer from Scarface. Oh, shit, it is.

That's how old this video is. You remember this red bag? Yeah. Lie, she rips this fucking place apart. This was the fucking 90s and the 80s. She didn't give two Frenchmen's fuck about what you thought in this video. This video, she is so good. Annie Lennox.

I watched this video 10 times the other night. I kept smoking pot and watching over and over again. And I'm like, you think Annie fucking Lennox is worried about what's this, Lie? I don't want you to take your eyes off Annie Lennox at all. All right. Watch when she walks up. She has a nervous look on her face. Watch, Lie.

Watch, there you go. Now, watch Annie Lennox, motherfuckers. You tell me she's a weak motherfucker and I'll tell you something different. Look at Annie Lennox. Ready? Look at this crazy bitch. Here we go. Oh, shit.

Look at her. No tits. Skinny fuck the pack of leather. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Look at Lie's milkshake right there, little sister. Happy to tell. That little one on the left side drove me crazy. She ain't fucking around, guys.

She ain't fucking around. She ain't fucking around. She ain't fucking around, guys. Everybody else is complaining. Everybody's mad about Hillary Clinton. Look at her. Here we go. Beautiful eyes.

Now, put on Heart Crazy About You Live. 1970, fucking seven. Heart Crazy About You Live. Yeah. Do you like lipstick, Joey? I love lipstick. Red lipstick. You're a fan.

I love lipstick. I love it. It looks tremendous. It looks like the fucking shoes. You know what I'm saying? Like, they really throw you off. What's going on, Lie? All right, so we're going to go to...

I have a case for her. It was just from the YouTube I didn't do it. Crazy On You Live, 1976. You see it? Click the hunt for that. Wait till you see this poor woman right there, the top one. Now, this was when fucking... This is the 70s, when women were fighting for fucking equality.

Look at this chick right here. In those days, people would yell, Get off the stage, you bitch. You know? No. She went out there and demanded fucking respect. She had pieces of toilet paper in her bush, though, I bet. Watch this chick, watch this chick.

And they don't know what's going on. I really don't know what's going on. I saw this once, my head almost blew up. She was really pretty then, too. I watched the chubby one. She even looks good, too. The chubby one was really good. Here we go.

Watch this. She's going to kick this fucking thing off. Oh. Oh, okay. This is crazy shit, man. Look at the chubby one, though. Yeah. She looks great, too.

That's such a great voice. Yeah? No, no, both of these. So I got to show people these videos. People don't know dick about these videos. Where's fucking Tony Bennett? That's like if Wonder Woman just starts singing. No, I got to show people these videos.

So I'm thinking of doing a periscope show at night of me showcasing like three or four fucking videos every night, breaking down the history. Who was this? Maybe like 20, 15 minutes. Yeah. I always was a big fan growing up with J. Giles' band. And I was really young.

Jesus. Should I put this finger now on Lee? No. Thank you. I love this song more and more every time I hear it. I've been listening to this song on Mondays for basically 45 years. I took like a 10-year hiatus off of this song,

maybe 15-year hiatus. I listen to it every Monday while my mom was alive. And that was when I was 15. So that's 15 fucking years. This song came out the day I was born. How fucked up is crazy? Same year? Same day.

This came out February 19, 1963. And my dad was singing to my mom. Then my dad died. So my mom would always play this song for him on Monday morning. So I got in the habit of playing it. After she died, I had the album I lived in Colorado and I would play it on Monday mornings

and smoke a joint for the spirit. But then how? That's Joey's song. That's my song. Brian's song is something different. He released that song on my birthday and one of my favorite Cuban singers, Benny Murray, died on my birthday.

You know what? I'm ready for a fucking cocktail. Oh shit. You're going deep tonight. Can I grab one of those? It took two hours for it to wear off. One fucking beat. That's the amateur I am, Lisa Ann.

Where's that lighter at? Right here. Open it like a man. No, you're gonna break the fucking thing. And then, oh shit. There you go. Look at him. Oh shit.

Salute. Fuck it. We need a cocktail from time to time to loosen you up. That's a true story, brother. The doctor told my mom to stop drinking 10 days later that she died. Once you got booze in your system, keep going.

Oh yeah. Definitely. I'm never gonna stop smoking pot. I'll do it at night or maybe in the morning. But I always keep THC in the veins at one point or another, whether it's from CBD juice, something. I grew up so different.

Everyone in Ohio has a cocktail every night. My dad has a beer every night on his back patio or a margarita. But he does it every day and he doesn't drink till he blacks out. What is the between having to drink every day or two and being an alcoholic? I've always been astonished by that question

because I just don't understand it. Here's how I look at it. If you're eating a meal and you have a drink with it, I don't see a deal or something wrong, but I can never just wake up and crack open a beer. I would puke just from the idea of that.

I have to have a reason, kind of. I've done it. I don't know. I like the taste of beer more now than when I was younger. But I grew up in the 70s. And in America in the 70s and every show, no matter what show you watched,

even if you went to somebody's home or a place of office, they always, even Dynasty, okay? Dynasty was not in the 70s. But whenever you went into what's his name's office, he gave you a whiskey. Yeah. He used to have a little liquor bar.

Right. On wheels. Right. At work. You always had a little wheel at work and like a table and people would get like a bottle of whiskey and put it in a different bottle

so you didn't know what it was. Big, pretty glass crystal. Yeah, like crystal. And then you'd have like a bucket with ice cubes. And as soon as you walked into the office tonight, without asking you, there was no asking in the 70s. I just turned around, put ice cubes in,

put two fingers of a thing and gave it to you. You wouldn't have the heart to say to me, is this gin or is this whiskey or rye? I don't really drink it. You drank it. Yeah. In the 70s, when somebody offered you something, you drank it.

So I grew up watching that. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to be able to go to somebody's house and for them to give me a drink. You know, but I got drunk as early when I was a kid so I hated alcohol. So I had to work myself slowly back into the farm system. I started drinking from boons from them.

Delicious. Strawberry fields. Oh, strawberry fields. A little mixy. The apple. Do they still have the apple? Apple. Yeah, that apple was a green apple cider and shit.

But when I was a kid, there was a thing called malt duck. Mid-dory. Ugh, no, no. That sucks ass. Mid-dory melon or whatever. No, I never drank those fucking things. Mid-dory sour. Like malt ducks.

That's a bunch of a half a girl I was. Malt duck was half beer, half apple cider. Oh, that sounds good. And they sell, like, in the Bronx and shit. So when I go over to Copco, Gawid, I think I was bad. I had brown bag of malt duck. People didn't know what the fuck I was drinking. And I tried.

I really, really tried to drink. Like, till this day, I have everything at the house. I have champagne. I got red wine. I think I'm going to try a little bit of red wine twice a week. Red wine is great. I love it with a nice steak. Like, something meaty and red wine, perfect.

I don't drink much at home. But yeah, I grew up the same way. I like white Russians were my thing. Like, I loved Kalua and creams and... Kalua gives me too much of a headache. I like white Russians, but it's got to be light on the fucking Kalua. But you splash a little Coca-Cola on it. Real Coke.

Real Coke. Not Coke from the gun. Real Coke on a white Russian makes a Colorado bulldog, a bullfrog, whatever the fuck it is. And I think they are delicious. I could drink 22 of those Colorado bulldogs, and I was snorting bull. Yeah. Now, I'm not you insulting me. You were saying what?

No. The other night, I went to a comedy store. I go to the comedy store the other night, and I don't know what it is, guys. I'm starting to get car sick. The year, the whole thing. So I leave the restaurant. I had to meet my agent. I leave the restaurant.

I make a U-turn. I call Lee. And I get off the phone with Lee, and right away, I can feel myself getting sick. I don't know what the fuck is this. I make the turn on sweet, sir. I go up to the store. I pull in. I get out of the car, and I think I'm on a fucking bar right there.

I walk into the store, and before I could go to the back, that one manager got me and gave me a tremendous ear beating. I was going through changes like Lee is right now, right? He was giving me an ear beating that wouldn't stop. He didn't know I was about to puke on his fucking shoes. I went outside, sat down, drank the whole water in one shot. I started looking up in the ceiling, and I had to close my eyes. That's right.

I walked in on this, and I was just thinking like, you're being romantic or something. Yeah, you're like, what's going on? You're not drinking tonight? I'm not fucking drinking. Because we used to go somewhere. Me and Red Band used to go to Houston. Well, one bar we went to, they made something really yummy. Like vodka with orange juice and ice cream, and they put in a blender.

Yeah, it was like an orange cream sickle. Yeah, that was so good. Yeah, you drink 10 of those, you're 15 pounds overweight the next day. You wake up, the fucking scale blows up. I love those kind of drinks. You know what's really good? Vanilla, vodka, and root beer, and it makes like a cream soda. Do you like cream sodas?

No. I love cream sodas. I can't stand cream sodas. Really? I hate cream sodas like you hate ranch. I love root beer. Why not just have root beer? Root beer is so much better than cream sodas.

Let me give some shout outs. Johnathan Powell, I love you. John Oldfield, Graham Kay, 80 Mullets, Jim Nunya, the Australian warrior, Tasha Howell, looking good, and my main man, Lorenzo Toledo Jr. You know what I'm saying? Over there in fucking Miami, holding it down with some freaks and shit. So no, I've always wanted to drink. Really, I've been like, well, I think it's time for me to start fighting.

Cut this shit out. You know, I cut the edibles out. That'll help the fucking liver a little bit. I tell you one thing, though. I stopped drinking beer. I grew up drinking only beer. Well, beer will kill you. Listen, beer, you can't drink beer.

I get too bloated. Yeah, you can't drink beer. I feel like I'm burpy all day. Yeah, you can't drink beer every day. I was never one of those guys that would just pull a beer out of a freezer, and that's always bothered me. Today, when I woke up, I go, you know what? Red Man's coming on the show tonight.

I'm going to drink a beer or two tonight. But I had to prepare myself mentally to drink a fucking beer. I don't think I've ever had a beer with you. I've only had those drinks, those little food full drinks. Yeah, no, no, no. And I like beer. Like I said, I don't mind something to eat, but I'm so petrified of DUIs. Yeah.

See, guys, I don't believe in DUIs. I do not believe in them. I do not believe in drinking and driving. I fucking hated it since I was a kid. And I can't, I could keep a listen. I could put a fucking dead body in my suitcase and go through TSA and not even blink a fucking eye. But when I have one beer and I see a cop in the area, I lose it completely.

I'll be in here till 11 o'clock tonight. We'll be talking to him because I will not get in the car when I got alcohol in my breath. I'm going to go Uber tonight. I'm going to even call the army. I tell you, if you Uber a lot, I have a deal for you. If you open up Uber and you click on the settings, there's a thing called flat fares. My friend PDC turned me on to this. You spend $20 and you get 40 rides in one month and each ride is $3.99 a ride.

So now I just Uber everywhere. Like I'll just be like, hey, I want to go to Target. I'll just Uber there because it's only $3 instead of having to drive or deal with parking. How far is it? So if you want to go to LAX, it's $3.99. I've promised you. But you have to pay $20 up front. $20 for 40 rides in a month.

You don't think that you're going to use that. But look, Comedy Store every night used to cost me $15 there and $15 back. But I'm like, you know what? It's better doing that than paying $20. So from Burbank to the Comedy Store cost you $3.99. $3.99. Yep. It's great.

And now the problem is that once they release these specials, they have only a certain amount of them and then they sell out for some reason. So what you have to do is you have to like, we all just have to text each other whenever we get the email. Don't be texting me. Or calling. Go right now to Uber. You have to like jump in.

So you didn't jump on this deal? Fuck all over there? What do you mean? Have you heard of it? Did you see it? You see it or no? I haven't heard of this. No, I yell that every time I do any of that stuff.

Bro, I encourage Lyft. Yeah, Lyft. Uber. I encourage whatever. As long as you're not drinking or fucking around. We have Lyft as a sponsor. I know why. I know Lyft.

So this is what it's saying right now is so far, I just bought this two days ago. I have 32, three days ago. I have 32 rides left. I've already saved $60 of what it normally would have been. Pete, my friend, he lives like, I don't know, 30 minutes away when he goes one way to the comedy store. It's usually like $70. He's getting here for $3.99 also.

And he's saving. Like he said last month, he saved over $1,000. And so that's $1,200 a year. Because if I get a ride to the airport for $3.99 on fucking Monday morning or five in the morning, I would sign up for that goddamn deal. But let me tell you, what's the problem? There's got to be a by the way. Here's what I think.

There's got to be a by the way. I am more of a Lyft user than an Uber user. Because I think Lyft is more normal people like us. That's what we talk about. Yeah. And I love Lyft. I am 100% a Lyft user. Uber drivers are usually just taxi drivers, like for the most part.

And at least in Los Angeles, like you can tell, like, oh, you used to be a driver somewhere else. He goes, yeah, you're a taxi driver or yeah, a limo company. Like those are drivers that are also doing Uber for the most part. Where Lyft is just more like normal people. I kind of feel safer in Lyft. I do too. A lot of people do.

A lot of people do. That's why when they call and I go, you know what? Lee likes Lyft. Lee said one night he took acid and he called Uber and some dude showed up and looked like he had killed 50 people. I would have loved an Armenian taxi driver. Oh my God. That was the worst one I've ever.

I haven't done Uber since because it's the worst one. Yeah. It's creepy. Now, do you guys use food delivery services? Because I use it once a day at least. I use Grubhub more than I use. Grubhub. I don't like Postmates and all that stuff.

Uber Eats is the best one. I don't like paying for delivery. Exactly. Uber Eats is the best one. And you know the best thing about Uber Eats? You get a tracking. So like you're like, where's my fucking taco at? You see on the map where the driver is.

So you can see him driving to you to the point of him coming to your house. Then you know when exactly to walk outside. Listen, I don't want nobody driving my fucking food. And I don't want nobody breathing on my fucking food. Is that okay? Oh yeah. They put in there and grab some fries when they're hungry. Yeah.

I don't want nobody touching my food though. That's kind of sad. I don't like Grubhub and all that shit. You're all young men. If I wake up in the middle of the night and go get two tacos on more park, soaking you. There's no reason to get Grubhub and all that shit. You're young men, dog. I like it.

This fucking guy wouldn't leave the goddamn house. If his life depended on him and he gets all that shit. I would love to live. I would love to be living at the house. He gets all that HMO food sent to his house. Get food. This guy gets that HMO food. That fucking sushi you got sick on and all that shit.

He eats it. I would never get delivery sushi. How dare you. I know. What do you get delivered? I get like pizza. What do you get pizza delivered from? Well, I like that place on the corner.

If I had to pick one of the fast food ones, it'd probably be Pizza Hut or Domino. Papa John's. Really? I just got, last night, delivered Taste Chicago. I don't know if you've heard of it. It's owned by the... Joe Montaigne. Yeah, something like that.

It's fucking God awful. It's horrible. God awful. God, that should be Lee's favorite restaurant. So let me do my review of what I did last night. They have a Chicago deep dish pizza. Now, I grew up with Chicago. You grew up.

You love that stuff. I decided to pay, it was $29 for a large. Yes, yes. So I'm like, it's worth it. I'm just going to act like this is like dinner, like lasagna or something. I get it delivered. It was so fucking horrible. It was like, I remember as a kid, my mom would take like flour and water and make like bread

that was really like, it tastes like biscuit or something. You ever been in there? No. I don't want to go. I would never go there. Listen, I moved to this part of the fucking, I lived in Hollywood for God knows how long. And I moved up here. When I moved up here, my wife and I were doing a little better when we were in Hollywood.

She had gotten a raise. I was starting to make a little money. We had no mercy. So we would go out to dinner three nights a week. You know, what do I say dinner, $200? No. We would go to those medium range joints, you know, just to see. We went to Noho.

We went to that firehouse pizza on the corner of Magnolia. That blows. All this stuff blows. Yeah, you didn't like my little Tony's. Oh, that's God awful. Dammit. So we went to taste the Chicago dog. I don't know how many conversations I've had with, with Leah about Chicago hot beef

and how good I like it and how they put the peppers and the onions. And, you know, when I, when I, when I even hear, when I get an offer from Chicago, like I already have my menu planned out. Like I know I'm going to go here. I took Lee last time and one of any Bravo's fucking best guy in the world picked us up and took us to the best hot beef place, man. I love, listen, there's something about a hot beef sandwich. So I see Chicago.

It's Joe Montaigne. I can't go fucking wrong. Right. I can't go wrong. I go in there. I think we dropped $60 dog. Yeah. Two hot beef sandwiches and something else.

And it was like, okay, you know, again, this is what it is. This ain't fucking Chicago. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So they fly the beef. They fly the bread. Dog. Me and my wife took like two bites of everything and got up and walked out.

Yeah. We got up and walked out. I heard there's a great place in Hollywood called Baked Wings. Baked Wings. The chicken wings of Baked. Yeah. Yeah. I heard about that.

Yeah. I went to that. I did the show. You did Hot Ones. Hot Ones. I couldn't find your fucking thing. Yeah. I did a special edition of that where we went to this place downtown and it has hot Nashville

chicken. Yeah. Is the normal spiciness good? That looked good. I tell you what, man, it was some of the best tasting chicken ever. And even though we ate, it's called Howlin' Rays. And there's like a three hour wait all day. Before they open, there's people lined up down the door and it's delicious.

But we got the hot, extra hot, and then a item where they don't have on the menu. And it was so fucking hot that Sean says, hey, everything we just had there is hotter than what we eat on the show. Hot Ones. But if you want to look at it, it's just, if you type in Sean Evans red band, it's on there. But did you shit for fire and did you have, I was taking my, for like 24 hours, I was on the toilet just shit in fire.

I had to take off my shirt. You know how sometimes for some reason, your body goes, take off all your clothes now when you're on the toilet. Why is that? That's so weird that happens. Do you have that? I have that sometimes when I would get too high when he gets a grub hub and then the fucking delivery guy spits in his hummus.

But yeah, I was, I thought it was dying. That was awful. Sean said that he went back and he was same thing. I did not really like the Nashville chicken when I just went to Nashville, I love the city of Nashville. I got a place that's a great pizza joint and I think I went to the wrong place. I did not like it. I don't like the, I don't like black and shit.

I don't like peppery like that. I like spice for flavor. I don't care if you make your food hot. That's phenomenal. But it better be flavorful. If you're just making it hot to be cool. Yeah. I don't see the beauty of it.

Yeah. That's like Spencer's gifts. You're almost buying it for that. Like, let's try to eat a bite. Haha. You know, I wish we got to eat like a mild one because that's what I wanted. I just wanted to taste the chicken. I like the taste of chicken with spicy like Popeyes chicken.

I'll eat a fucking pop. But I told you Doug, when I went, when I go to Tennessee, I go to Lee's motherfucking chicken. Oh my God. Oh my God, that old school fried chicken. That's all I want. Yeah. I want old school fried chicken.

You know, it makes good fried chicken Puerto Ricans, Puerto Ricans could fucking make a fried chicken and make your head fucking blow up in the Bronx. You could smell it as you're driving down the street. Like somebody's making a good fucking chicken, man. I tell you what I do. My broke ass meal of the day is you go to the grocery store and get drumsticks. And you usually can get like 12 drumsticks, 24 drumsticks for like $3. Where?

The pavilions by my house. Oh, you cook them yourself. Yeah. And my wife does that. Yeah. And we just soak them in like hot sauce and put them on the grill. You're good. That's and it's like three bucks.

Yeah. I mean, you know, if they've been beat up and kicked. Oh yeah. I look for, I look for caged ones. Yeah. You look for fucking animals that have been tortured. You know, you got to bite the fucking breast and it's missing a piece because somebody burned it like fucking Lee's tongue has got a little blazer on it like Lee's tongue and

shit. No. But man, when you get good chicken and marinated, you know, anything that you could marinate like when I was, I don't like, I can't eat all those gamey stuff. Yeah. I can't eat gamey stuff like lamb and I don't like, I don't like that. I don't like fish either for that reason. I'll bring it to a place.

Well, it's not a place. It's my friend's parents. This motherfucker would give you a piece of meat and you go, that's the best meat I've eaten. That's lamb. And you're like, lamb, how come I didn't taste it because they would marinate it for three or four days and cut it into chunks and put it on barbecue on kebabs. Oh shit.

Marination is important. I tell my wife, my wife's one of those that when I married it, it's a piece of chicken with pepper and salt on it. That's not cooking. That's not cooking. You got to figure this out. And then we would sit together and look up recipes. I did vinegar and lemon a lot.

Yeah. No, no. Today I made a fucking halibut with a, we took a little teriyaki. I was a jujitsu on the way back. She goes, what do you want to do with that halibut? I go, you don't want something different today. I go get a little bit of them for her, put some lemon juice in there, some fucking teriyaki and close it up with a piece of butter.

You should have tasted that fucking halibut when I got home. There's a lot, you know, I like cooking. I don't like messy cooking. Like I'm not good at, I don't, I don't like cutting things because if I cut myself, I'll faint. I know. That's, do you guys, do you guys talk about that a lot about how Joe Ideas, if he sees the sight of blood he faints?

Did I ever faint in front of you? Huh? You got close, I think. I think when I pulled that girl's tampon out and tried to eat it in front of you. I don't know what that is. No, no, no, no, no. No, I can't, I can't. Let me see if I have any blood on me.

No, I'm all right with that shit. Like before when you were fucking around with that lighter and you opened up the bottle, I go, if that thing broke, I'd have to run out of here. I couldn't even finish the fucking podcast because even the, you know, I'm getting hypnotized now. You are? Yeah. I'm on my fourth session Tuesday.

Oh God. I was hypnotized to control my fear of breathing in Jiu Jitsu, but I'm also trying to control my fear of needles. Do you think it works? You think it's working? I breathed heavy today and I didn't have any fear, so little by little I listened to the tapes at home. She made me come home and listen to a couple hypnotic tapes of saying, breathe, breathe,

breathe, breathe. So I do that, I breathe, you know, it's important for me to go to Jiu Jitsu. It really is at this age, man. You know, I was talking to a friend of mine, they said that he works with a guy that has one of those wheels, Lee, he's 80 years old. You know those wheels that you hold? The scooters, the mongoose. No, no, no.

The shit to do exercise with. You never see those wheels that you go like this and you do like ab rollers. Oh yeah, yeah. He says he does 10 sets of 30 ab rolls a day. He's fucking 78 years old or something like that. And we were discussing about in today's America, how you could decide how you're going to get old. Like it wasn't like our grandparents.

Like our grandparents got old, they got fucked up and died. In today's America, the most important thing is that 60-year-olds are active and they're doing crazy shit. You know, I'm 54, in six years I'm going to be 60 fucking years old. Next year I can get 15% off at Denny's like a motherfucker, okay? It's cool, but it's not cool. It means I got to take care of myself, dawg. The fuck it's cool.

The fuck is wrong with you? It's cool, but it's not cool, you know? So it means I choose in America today, you choose, you decide how you're going to age. You decide whether or not you're going to do movement or you're going to do sit-ups or push-ups every fucking day or eat better or you're just going to fucking fade away. I double sleep. You double sleep at the end of the day when I called you the other day. I mean, even your dad has started living a little better, hasn't he, Natalie?

Oh, yeah, he's been living a lot. I see him with pictures with young people lately, taking pictures, he's changed, he's hit a corner. He's still probably getting a little ear-hitting the pill here from there. Me, I hope not, but he's always really loved, I don't even know how to describe them, they're not like self-improvement seminars and he's done them for as long as I've been alive. He did a whole bunch, he's made a bunch of new friends and that's all he's ever wanted down there.

I see that, he's taking pictures, you know, you could decide how you want to go out these days, bro. And I'm thinking about it and I'm like, you know what, I'm going to keep going to Jiu-Jitsu. I don't give a fuck if I get beat up or I can't breathe because even like a day like today, I didn't do much today. I rolled maybe one fucking time. Everything else was drilling and there's this kid, Marco, that's 255 and he's going into a competition and he's going to be wrestling kids with 30 pounds heavy of them.

So I've just been getting on top of him and resting and fucking around just so he gets used to it. I told him, I go, if you could push me around at 297, a guy that's 260 gets on top of you, you're going to throw him around, you know exactly how to position yourself and shit. So that basically went to Jiu-Jitsu just to help him out. We went over some fucking throws he's going to do. I made him get a B plan. Like if you go for this type of...

How much does he weigh? Marco probably weighs 245. Oh, so he's a pretty big guy. He's a big guy. Okay, I was thinking like he was like this small guy and you're just laying like flat on him. No, no, no, no. He's not going to fight that.

He's going to fight guys that are up to like 275, he said a 285 and he goes, they're going to be fucking big, Joey. So as soon as I got there, he called me, went to the back of the octagon and I just did simple things to him, but that fucking made me sweat like a motherfucker. Then the class thought and we did calisthenics and then me and him drilled together today. Like we drilled the whole time, but the class went over so we only got to break guards and stuff like that. And when the class is that small on Sundays, I was one of the higher belts.

I was like the second highest belt in the fucking place today. So that means I had to get on my back. So I just let people pass my guard and I broke a sweat and then I wrestled with him for 10 minutes and I fucking went home. So there's a light day. Tomorrow's my heavy day. Tuesday will be a heavy day. And then if I can make it Tuesday, I'm going to try to go to Jiu-Jitsu Monday and Wednesday

this week. That's great that you're doing that. I have to do something. You make me feel lazy about myself. Listen, man, I always thought that when you were young, you had to work out. I realized recently that as you get older, you got to take care of yourself even a little better, you know, even a little better, you know, you have to, I'm really heavy on sleep. You know, I'm really heavy on sleep now.

Like it used to be that I get home tonight and I'd fuck around and watch 22 of these videos. And I used to pull Rogan's, you ever go on the road with Rogan and he'd be half asleep watching fight videos and you're like, Joe, go to bed and he'd be fucking like refused to go to bed. Yeah. Yeah, I'm one of those guys that don't kill you. Oh, yeah.

But I also make up for it. You know, do you sleep? Do you sleep? Oh, I sleep like a crazy motherfucker. Oh, no, no. I wake up and work and then go back to sleep and then wake up and work and like be, it's ridiculous. Like my, it's pretty much.

I wake up, get really stoned and pass the fuck out. Yeah. Like tonight I'll go home early and I'll fucking get up at five tomorrow on a Monday. I love getting up at fucking five in the morning. Do a little work. She doesn't have to go to school. So just sleep till eight 30. That's great.

We'll get up. We'll have breakfast together. Tomorrow they go to the zoo. It's going to be a hundred fucking degrees. So tomorrow they go to the zoo. I go to two or three classes at Jiu Jitsu. I come back. I got to go to the doctor tomorrow at three 15.

I love going to the zoo. It's so great. Really? I love the LA Zoo. Let me do this shit. I can look at some animals all day. You traveling soon? No, you're doing a lot of fucking shows, brother.

Yeah. So we got this guy will show Laugh Factory now twice a month. And like this week we got Tom Green and Crystalia. But cool thing is Kill Tony, we're going to Moontower Festival in Austin next month, April 21st. We're doing Kill Tony live at Moontower and then two days later we're going to Houston. There's this new comedy club. I don't know if you've been to it yet.

It's my favorite place. It's a bunch of comics that bought it together and they've really filled in the void that you know, the comedy since Houston Laugh Stop closed. This place is beautiful. It's huge. I did the festival. Yeah, it's called the secret group. So we're going to be there on the 23rd.

We're doing Kill Tony and then I'm going to do a secret show after with Louis J. Gomez from He's Gonna Be With Me and Jeremiah Watkins and we're going to have a secret guest. You know, it's going to be great. So. It's really working, brother. Yeah. And I'm fucking proud of you. Me?

I got to go to Baltimore, to Magoobies, Joke House. Yikes! Today, Friday, Saturday, two shows, tickets are selling, don't fuck around, don't tell me Joe yet. I didn't get him. And then the last week of March, oh shit, I'm going to NIAC to see my main man, Andrew Nordow over at NIAC at Levely Live. That's how we're doing it, bitches.

Number one, a couple of weeks ago, I got some jeans, Lee got some jeans. What the fuck do you think about it, Lee? I mean, what do you think of this? The best pair of jeans. The best pair of jeans I've ever owned, I've never owned a nicer, like this is the nicest pair of jeans. I'm scared to wear them on stays, like on the road, like I wore them last Friday at dinner with my wife and I ironed them, like this is the first time, like I'm really taking

care of jeans. I don't know how to do any of that. The material feels different. You know, I have my wranglers that I wear fucking out. And see, this is a great, because I'm scared that like this is a partially raw denim. I have the numbers right here. I just pulled it up. It's something like 87% cotton, something like that.

No, no, these jeans are tremendous. So they're comfortable and they look great. If I had, I should have worn them tonight, but they're the best pair of jeans I own. Listen, it's hard to find the perfect pair of jeans. You don't want to break the bank, but you need something that lasts, all right? The problem with jeans is that they start really good pairs cost two to $300 easily and the bargain brands just fall apart or look terrible. If you're sifting through sales racks, just to find a decent pair of jeans under a hundred

bucks, call off the search parties. Don't get cheap when going below the belt. Bargain bin denim starts to fall apart after a handful of watches. If your new year's resolution is to look good, well, pretty much everyone's is, but they may not know about the design of quality jeans from DSTLD. Great jeans don't have to be complicated. If you're not into crazy stitching diamonds or embedded studs, you're not alone. Looking good at the office shouldn't cost you your next paycheck, all right?

And if you're shopping for jeans, why not buy past the boutiques waiting online for a disaffected teenager to hand you a number tag? There's a better way to shop. As you know, listen, when you shop online, you save a ton of money, but with this, it's completely different. You're not saving a ton of money. What you're doing is DSTLD distilled office luxury grade denim at affordable price jeans that would normally cost you hundreds.

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Go look at those pants. Tell me it's not the best pair of jeans you've seen in a long time. Since I got you on clothes, East is coming. Mother's Day is coming. Father's Day is coming. Let me talk to you about something. We want to look like an off-the-rack type of dude. I don't wear fucking suits, okay?

When I go to wear suits, I go down to Hollywood, I do what I got to do. But this is a different way of shopping. Indochino is pronounced Indochino. Let me tell you something. You walk into their showroom, they measure you like you've never been measured before. They call you within two weeks, you pick up your suit and I'm going to tell you something. You're never going to get a suit that fits the way an Indochino suit wears. Indochino is making it easy to get a perfectly tailored suit at an incredible price.

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I want to thank the STLD Jeans and I want to thank Indochino and I also want to thank Onit, always from the veggie to the hemp force protein to the swinging bats, ever since I've been at Legacy, I've been doing this technical fitness and I've been swinging those steel bats. Listen, start with a five pounder from Onit. I can't get your 10% off but I can get your 10% off on supplements, all right? Go to Onit.com, either look at the hemp force, either look at the shroom tech, sport or the fucking immune and get the one that calms you down.

Tremendous. And don't forget Alpha Brain. That's that trademark, 100% if Alpha Brain don't make you clearer, sharper and make your mind work. Anyway, I want to thank Onit. I want to thank the STLD suit, Jeans and I want to thank Indochino suits. I want to thank my man, Ryan Redman and I'll see you motherfuckers Baltimore Thursday night my Goobies will be back Wednesday, stay black.

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