Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #464 - Chris Porter

Episode Date: March 14, 2017

Chris Porter, a touring comedian since the age of 23, seen on "Last Comic Standing" and Comedy Central, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/13/2017.
    

The Church of What's Happening Now is presented by Onit. This show is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates. Lucky for you and thankfully to ZipRecruiter.com there's a better way. Our listeners can post their job to over 200 plus job sites including social media and they can try it for free when they go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. This show is also brought to you by Helix Sleep. Helix Sleep is the website where you can buy mattresses online customized for you for hundreds

of dollars instead of thousands. Go to helixsleep.com slash joey right now to get $50 off of your order. That's helixsleep.com slash joey. Get that muley. Kick it. We ain't got time to dilly-dattle. Oh shit. Coming at you.

Oh shit. Here we go. Church of What's Happening Now, Chris Porter, Lee Syat, here you go cop suckers. You're feeling a little depressed, you're down, you're fucking, you stepped on your cat. It's over. It's a new day, cop suckers. Here we go.

If you're not ready to turn this fucking up as a human being, this part right here, don't even fucking talk to me no more right here. Here we go. Here we go. This shit is still amazing. Still amazing. Let's go rob a liquor store. No, this is it.

This is it. This is it. If you're autistic right now, you can just jump out of the window, you headed shit. Kick it, Lee. Here you go, church of what's happened now. It's like listening to, for me, it's like listening to three different bands in one. Like I can hear a little Aerosmith in there. You definitely can hear their distinctive sound, but there's some other piece in there.

There's that Zeppelin that, well, anytime I hear heavy metal, you got to go straight to Zeppelin. Just that guitar and that anger is just, that's all Zeppelin. It sounds like Slash had like a certain bravado like this guitar. His tone is amazing. His tone is amazing. It's weird that that's what they say. Like as soon as you hear the first three chords, you should know who exactly it is if you're

into that type of stuff. Like Gilmore from Pink Floyd. Yeah. Clapton. Clapton has a distinctive tone. Hendrix. Obviously. Hendrix.

That's why these guys are where the fuck they are because they're a lot similar, but they all have their distinctive, the same thing with comics. You know, I said this years ago that comedians are, we're all funny. Yeah. We're all funny. It's the backstory and everything else that around us out once you get to fucking know the hell we are like anything else in life. Being funny is, I mean, not to be egotistical, but it's, it's pretty easy.

Like everyone's funny. Like Uber drivers are funny. You know, my Lyft driver the whole way here told me how funny everyone thinks he is. You know, but it takes, you know, it's a different thing to do what we do. Well, we have to channel it a certain way. And that's where the mistake is like, and we've been to a thousand open mics and over the years as a marketing strategy, a lot of clubs that set, you know, new talent office night or the whole office comes to the fucking club, you know, 60 people to watch the funny

guy by the cooler go on stage and it's a complete different game. It's like trying to be, it's like watching the UFC and going, you know what, I'm going to go down to the 7-Eleven and pick a fight when I was homeless guys. And I'm going to fucking hit him with an elbow and a fucking kick to the leg. And this guy went to Vietnam. Yeah. He'll kill you with popcorn. You know what I'm saying?

And he has nothing to live for. Nothing to live for. It's so people sometimes think it's that easy. That's the only thing that's bothered me about young comics over the years. Never like about 10 years ago, I had a guy who had all the answers. Yeah. He had done comedy twice and he got invited to a Montreal showcase. You thought this fucking guy was Jerry Lewis.

Yeah. Yeah. He was at the store like harassing comics, like how long did it take you to be up here six years? I did it in fucking three nights. Yeah. How long did it take you to find your voice? Oh my God.

I already found it. Then I'll tell you how long it took this guy got. This guy was fucking crazy. He scheduled his benefit and he told everybody all these celebrities are going to be there. It was just a lie to sell tickets. I mean, he had been, this guy told me he called Ben Affleck's mother. He got a hold of her number and called her in Boston to ask her if Ben could be there. He told Christina, I mean, this is, you know, 12 years ago and Ben Affleck was really hot

and he was young and shit and Jennifer Lopez and they've been Matt Damon were still hanging out. Yeah. They were still hanging out. Then he bombed there. Yeah. And then nobody would book him around town. So this fucking Momo bought a restaurant in the valley and put a patio out there on Wednesday

nights. He only wanted clean comedy. He thought everybody else is not really a comedian. He told me to my face, dirty comedians, people who talk about that type of topics are not really comics. Yeah. Okay. So he asked me where the restaurant is today.

Yeah. Done. Fuck him and his clean fucking comedy on a fucking balcony, your fucking moron in his day and age. And he had the same clean comics up there every week, like, and I just watched him die. I never offered nothing. I never said nothing. I just sat in the sidelines and watched him die a slow death.

I'd see him and he'd tell me how packed it was, who was up there, the celebrities that would go to his restaurant. I'd ask people and they go, Doug, there's nobody there. It's always fucking empty on Wednesday. So I don't get that. The people, I don't get that shit either. How do you lie like that when it's when it's easily provable? Like there were other people there, dude.

I don't get it. I'll tell you what. And Stan Hope told me this one time, he goes, doesn't it bring you up when you get through a club and it's empty? And they're like, last week, we had a fucking, you know, we had a light people on fire to get them away from the door. Yeah. You know, but this week that rodeo's killing us and you're like, what the fuck?

He's talking about, I just can't sell no tickets. Just tell me the truth. Why are you blowing smoke up my fucking ass and shit? You know, I can't give away a fucking ticket. Although to be fair, some cities, man, it's like I've been to Des Moines twice when the state fair was there and you can't, Kevin Hart could be there and he's not selling a ticket. Are you serious? Yeah, man.

Like, you know, people have different priorities in different areas and you know, the state fair only comes around once a year and the funny ones open every week, you know. That's crazy. Yeah. You can't pull them from the state fair. They're over there eating poison. You ever go to a state fair, you see the food they give you there? Oh dude.

They, a hamburger where the bun is a Krispy Kreme donut. It's fucking crazy. There's one place, you know, you ever watch those shows and they show you like, you know, like places to eat during like, you know, in those small cities. I bet they have one or two great places that this, the thing, but the rest is corn dogs and fucking that shit. Yeah. But that's what you go to the state fair for.

Yeah. That's what you do. Get a funnel cake. Where else do you get a funnel cake? Jesus. I had one at this place about five years ago. They do a carnival down the corner here. Before the baby, I took my wife on a date down there.

Let's go to the carnival. I walked in, every gang affiliation was there. We ate a funnel cake, took three hook shots at the basket. We got the fuck out of it. It's like magic mountain except south. I would never, ever go on one of those fucking fucked up carnival rides or let my child go on one of those things. I went on one and the carny, I think that's the appropriate term.

Thought he'd be cool because there was no one in line that he'd just let the ride go for a while and it was like one of those crazy octopus ones. There's a reason that shit's only 60 seconds because after about two and a half minutes you're like, get me the fuck off this thing. I'm going to throw up and he let it go for like a good five, like to the point where people were on the ride going, please make this stop. It was, yeah, that shit's not safe. And those guys, again, don't have a whole lot to live for, you know, fucking carnival

be there. They're drunk at noon. They're fucking crazy. Like when you can be at your ticket booth holding a schlitz, that's, I mean, also, you know, it's kind of cool. But also, yeah, it's probably not good for OSHA standards. I'll tell you people, I know you're going to misunderstood when I said that. I'm not talking about Bonham and Bailey Connell.

I'm talking about the ones that come to your fucking neighborhood that everybody looks like they're ex-felons. They're in parking lots. Yeah. Those things. You never, you never, like in your drug days, even thought about going on, like it seems like the perfect place for it. Fuck no.

That's a complete different level of fucking the filth. That's a complete different level. I dated a girl that was a carnival thing. She gave me a rash for fucking four years. That shit never goes away. Those rashes, those fucking carnival chicks give you. Those carnival rashes. Like in Michigan.

And you dated her for four years? I dated her for the weekend. You know, Thursday through Sunday. We fell alone. She stuck around for four years. We broke up on Sunday. Like these relationships on the road. You meet them on Thursday.

You give them a fake Fugazi ring on Saturday night on Sunday. I'll call you when I get back. You gave them a fake. You gave them a ring. I used to buy like 10 of them on sale. Fuckin' at Kmart. Those fucking. You're a much better gentleman than I ever was.

Listen, dog. You got to close them. I'm not a good looking dude, but you bust out the rock when they're all rocked up with a couple of cocktails. That's that always closes. Really? Sure. You give them a Cuban zirconian?

They don't fucking know. See, I was always freaked out. I was always the guy that was like, listen, you know, I leave on Sunday. And, you know, this is going to like, and then I just be like, this is going to be over in two days. So if you're cool, that cool. But otherwise I'm not, I just dated so many crazy chicks. I was just on the road.

You meet fire. The craziest one I haven't met was in Syracuse. This one actually called my manager at the time. No way. Yeah. It was bad. It was bad. And it started as a job.

Like I just went to work for her and I would go up there and she'd go, what do you stay when you were at a hotel? You should stay downstairs. And that's what it started. And I don't have to even go into the story. Yeah. Every time I go to these coasts, I go over there and I'm shadow landscape company. I'd work for her.

How often did you propose to this woman? He's not that one. You don't have to propose to. I just moved a couple of rocks. She was in. Yeah. Yeah. She was cooking and stuff.

I can't believe you would propose to like that. No, there was a time when I was fucking nuts. Okay. Like 98. I went on the road. It was fucking, you know, I was doing Yoda runs. Those and you're in Michigan the whole week. They don't give you a dime for fucking a hotel.

And then you would work like, uh, he would throw you in the shitty rooms at first. Yeah, yeah, I got attacked by pelicans at one of those fucking Michigan cities with two hot dogs in my hand. You know, the place was a fucking, uh, the guy owned both of them. It was by Bay City, the one club, Saginaw. Okay. And he had another one in another town and I did them both. Yeah.

And he had theaters and basically you paid for your hotel room. And on Saturday, you gave him the receipt and he paid it to the penny. Really? Like if it was 67 and 32, he'd give you 67 and 32 for your time. He wore a wig. There was never more than 20 people in that room. But he said he had a theater and he goes, I got nothing else to do. I'm retired.

I own the property. Yeah. He goes, what do I care? You know, even if I lose money, it's a tax write off or something. He was like, yeah, I refuse to go back up. And then he had another dumpy theater. That was like what people used to whack off when they turned it into a comedy room.

Oh, okay. Like he had one of those places. But he didn't tell the regular. No, he mopped the floor. It still had that sticky little stinky sperm smell in the air. And they never opened the windows and shits. Oh, it was fucking disgusting. Oh, yeah.

It was where the fuck was Mount something? Mount something? Michigan? I did one tribal or no, I don't even think I did it. I think I was booked for it and I had got booked for something respectable and I fucking pass it off to my friends. And they ended up having like the worst time they've ever had. Well, to be, and it wasn't Tribble's fault.

My buddy decided he needed to pee. They pulled over. Their car got stuck in the snow. They got their car unstuck, got back on the highway, realized, dude never peed, so they just pulled over to get stuck, basically. For people at home, though, saying what the fuck's the Tribble run? Or Yoda run? They're the entry level runs you make when you get into comedy.

And let me tell you something, they're very helpful. I feel that if you don't do them, you're missing out on a big part of your career because this is the book. Yeah, remember your book. That is you. Everybody likes a book. This is your book. Your book isn't going to be when you marry the chick from that show

and you're successful. There's no story there. Yeah. You got a fucking nanny and people offer you water and you're funny. That's not the story. The story is when you go on a Tribble run and you start it with ten bucks. Yeah. And you make it fucking work like you got three quarters of a tank of gas.

You already went on that. And guys, you guys got Google and you could type it in and it tells you how many miles we had to have the notebook. We had the Atlas, the Atlas with the fucking pencil. Yeah, to do the whole route. And no, no, no, no, no, no, please. You know how many times I got lost in this great country of ours? Do you have any fucking idea how many times I got lost?

And guys, that's the story. All this other shit out here that you hear is talking about. This is bullshit. When you do those Tribble runs and you go out on two of them, you hate yourself. But when you go back to your local club that Tuesday, people are like, what happened to you? I just went to hell. Yeah, two weeks. You know, and he'd send you the sheets and on the sheets, he would say,

watch your language. These rooms are Mormon. Watch your language. These rooms are Mormon. Watch your language. These rooms are Mormon. One would say this club is active. If something gets thrown at you, run away and go to your room.

Like it was fucking nuts. Like that was their tenor area. And it was like you wake up, you get in your car Monday. The first gig is always what? 24 hours away. It was like the Blues Brothers. Yeah, that's what it is. That's exactly what it is.

Except not the end part where you get the coolest concert with Cab Calloway. But it's so weird how all those weekends in retrospect, no matter how hard they were, they always worked out. Even if you broke even, somebody would say, hey, what are you doing, my man? I got front row for the Dallas Cowboys. Yeah, yeah. It's a giant thing. You're like, I'm going to a game with six bucks in my pocket,

but I'm sitting in the front row. Like that's, and it makes you appreciate that whole journey. But also we remember, now that we're so far away from it, we only remember that those days, but there were, there were plenty of weekends where it didn't shit happen. You're like, what the fuck have I done with my life? At that time, I got to be honest with you in my head. I could have been locked up.

So I was having the best time of my life with no money. Like I survived on Subway sandwiches, veggie and cheese from Tuesday. I'm going to, because you're out there. What are you going to do? Come all the way fucking home. When you go out on those things, if you don't go out for three weeks, it's not worth your waiting goal. Yeah.

So you got to go out and disappear for three weeks. So on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, you're basically camping when you're a feature act. You're camping. You're at a, you know, you save one night. Like you go, you know what? I'll say 40 to 50 for a motel, six to last night, like a shower and watch TV and drive into the club, like a normal human being. But for two nights, you'll sleep at rest stops and take showers at hotels and

jump in the pool like a fucking savage, wash your balls and brush your teeth in the pool. I mean, but at the end of the day, it all worked out. I guess you're right. Yeah. I was at an age, I think at that point, I guess I'm looking at it now at my age, but at that point I was, I started comedy when I was 19. Yeah.

So I was 21, 22. So yeah, I guess I was just happy to be out and about. I really do look at some of those gigs that I did as a youngster and I'm just like, how happy were you when you got three drink tickets? Tell them the truth. I'll do it. You were broke, flat broke. Right now you walk into a bar and they go, you the feature is three drink tickets.

Your heart would stop Lee. You got three free drinks. Plus you're going to get another two for free from the bartender if you do well. Yeah, yeah, or you just take care of them. Yeah. Give me 10 bucks and everything works itself out. The best was when it was like foods on us because then you're like, well, I got at least one or two meals taken care of because that, that's your big

expense, your big expense. Yeah. It's just trying to eat. So every free meal is another 20 bucks for you to buy weed. And there was no free breakfasts in those days at the hotel. Yeah. The Hindu started that. They give you the free egg and shit with the toes.

Remember the first time you went down, Hindus were always cooking breakfast. Like, what the fuck is this? And they were the nicest people in the world. They always had hardballed eggs. I remember eating them because at some hotels, they just have hardballed eggs and white bread. I would take white bread, toast it, put butter all over and just crack hardballed eggs on it and just eat like for those fucking things.

Because I knew those next eight hours on the road were going to be brutal. Like the little things like that. Like you prepared yourself for brutality. Yeah. Would you ever go back to these gigs again? Or were these all, were all these things like one times? I'd like to do it. Like I would do it with Joey, like so we could like have someone to remember it

with, but I would still like, I would stay in a much nicer hotel than I stay in. Oh my God. I wouldn't stay in the hotels, but I'd do the shit gigs again. Oh, I didn't even mean like, would you do them now? I meant like, would you do them like a couple of years in a row? Would you, would you go on tour and be like, Oh, I was here last year at this same hotel? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I did those triple runs from 95 to 99. The last time I, no, I'm lying to you guys. 2000. I moved down here and never did them again. And then he called my manager and he was like, I had a co-head lining. Co-head lining triple. That's not bad. It was like 150 a show because he paid 50 or 125 or 175. I did that with the goofiest fucking comic ever, like one of those anti-LA.

You guys are all fucking homos that live in LA. You have to set the deck to be successful. Yeah. They're going to call me. I'm going to make it on the road. Those fucking losers. Yeah. They gather it's we're going to radio shack. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He was terrible. And then it was basically an adjust to sell the t-shirt after the shirt. Right. The t-shirt and that was his whole living was triple runs. Yeah. That's all he did. He did refee. He would sit at those clubs of commercial lies. They just didn't want to hire him. So in his head, he made up something to rationalize why they didn't hire him.

Yeah. They're all anti-commercial clubs that connected to Comedy Central and he would. And I would look at him back then and go, you fucking just retarded. So it was just four days in the car with him. He didn't smoke reefer. He was a Christian. He had to get in the car Sunday and Saturday night and drive all night. We drove all night and he dropped me off at some Spokane airport or something.

And I fucking got delayed in LAX. I still remember like my plane was supposed to land at two in the afternoon. I didn't come until 11. The only good thing was Dean King was at the airport. I was like, look at fucking Superman. I'm doing the right thing. I was in the same plane with fucking Superman. You started when you were 19.

That's what I. Yeah, this is my first over, Mike. What made you get on stage? I was trying to meet chicks. Flat out. You got flat out. High school, no college. No, I went to college for a year and then I hated it.

And my buddy, who was one of those dudes that. He'd like watch a movie and wanted to be that movie. Like he saw Swinger's dude in like a week later was like wearing suits and swing dancing all of a sudden and writing the script and writing the script. Yeah, it's calling me baby all of a sudden. And so he saw, I don't know, was a punch line or the king of comedy or whatever. But one of those older punch punch line pushed me over the top. So that dude called, you know, this was 98.

So still yellow pages time. So he opened up the phone book to comedy clubs in Kansas City and there was one and he called him and he goes, how do I become a stand up comic? And they were the girl kind of laughed and he was like, she was like, we got an open mic on Mondays, come down and sign up. And he called me and he told me all about it. And I, you know, it was kind of intriguing. And then a month later, you know, like a week later, I went and saw him do it.

And I was like, I'm funny. You're like half these dudes, at least. And then about about a month later, got the balls to do it. And then I don't think I missed an open mic for a year. And then the only reason I missed one was because I had started a new job and I had to train, but yeah, just got straight into it. And then she don't come in 19 years. Yeah. And by the time I was 24, I was, it was my job.

And you were based out of Kansas City at the time, based out of Kansas City. And what clubs are you working at the time out of Kansas City as a feature? Um, you know, this is very early onset of the improv's and, you know, Tampa had just opened, um, doing a lot of those runs, doing, you know, the old, the old Omaha funny bone, all those places. Just anywhere I could drink Fort Wayne Snickers, you know, driving around with some hack headliner that told me he was funnier than me and then wasn't, and then asked me to drive around Fort Wayne looking for crack.

I remember the Green Bay funny bone. I did the Green Bay funny bone one time. That place I was, I was starting to do the row when that place was still open. Yeah, it was still open. Like I got booked there and I got canceled as a feature. They never reopened it. They couldn't compete with football. I guess something was not right the week I was there.

Well, yeah, that's all those people. I mean, something was not right when I was there. Like that was one of those clubs that was like South Beach. Yeah, it's not going to work. Something's, it's like New Orleans. You ever go to a comedy club in New Orleans? This is never going to work. Miami, South Beach, all that shit.

People walking around naked. They put three fucking clubs down there. I got booked ones to a place that was for people there. You're not going to compete with that shit. Yeah. And I think that that was the problem in Green Bay. I loved the city. I fucking went up there.

I went to the game and that's what I did. You know, you go from that $500 a week feature act to 650. 650 at Lucenship a little week. Yeah, you take a couple of nights off a blow. Now Sunday, you go to a baseball game. So I got into that for a while. That was fun. I would go to these cities and go to baseball games on Sunday

and then show up to the club. That's my favorite. Seven o'clock. I love doing that. That's a blast on a way weekend. And you know, you're going to go, you know, to and you wouldn't know. It wasn't like when I was doing it, it wasn't like, hold on. Before I take that week, let me see if the Packers are in time. That we know you just get in town.

And ask the host and you go, hey, hey, are they in town this week? Oh, yeah, I think they are in town this week. You can still get tickets. You go down there with the cheesehead and you're like, what are you talking about? Yeah, like that. That was what I still like. Lee asked a really interesting question in retrospect. Leave between me and you.

Right now, I would give my arm to go on two weeks of triple runs to places that nobody goes to. We'll sell out the rooms. We'll have a great. I don't care if it's a Monday night in those towns. There's nothing to do on some of those triple towns. You'll drive for two hours and they actually put fake deer up. That's where you drive sometimes, where there's no civilization.

Your phone is not going to work. You better have a tank of gas and then you get to this little hotel and you go to the back and there's 350 people on a Saturday night. And they don't know who you are. Yeah, you could tell them whatever you want. I did a movie with Brad Pitt. I mean, they don't know nothing. And they could care less.

They could care less. They're just going to have to drink, laugh, and then the band comes on after us. Yeah. And you're the and you're in. If you have a good set, you're a fucking God. Oh, my God. You're a fucking God. Like, dads are like, here's my daughter, please fuck her. I don't care if it's in front of me.

Really is crazy in those small towns. How much they appreciate comedy when you go there. Dude, I walked in and, you know, I I'm starting to do this now where like if I have a gig, like in a big city, I'll try to book like a small town gig nearby. Like Salida, Colorado is like one of my most favorite places to go ever. It's just a small town. But after the show, do me and the feature act walked into the restaurant

across the street and people applauded when we walked in the fucking door. Like, where does that happen? Nowhere, except for those small towns. It's just like and that's you're right. That's what's great about going into these places. It's just like you just get you're literally like Caesar. I could write a book just from 1995 to 2000, that would end in 2000.

Joey Diaz, the garage days. The road like broke, eluding creditors. Like, I just I got divorced. Things weren't working out. I wanted to major debt. And one day I said, you know what? I was shown up to I was shown up to one nighters and the manager would go. Somebody just called here for you and left the number.

I thought it was HBO. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd call him back. I was like, Mr. Diaz, discover card. I go, oh, my God. So I disconnected everything I owned and I just got in the car. I put a fucking pole in the back. I put clothes, a football, a frisbee. All the doors open.

I put everything anti-bored. Yeah. And as the week's packed, your car blows up and you figure out how to fix it. Oh. The radiator would blow and you buy that thing for a dollar. You put it into your radiator, ping-pang-pong. Yeah, yeah. It gets you to the next trip.

Oh, for the best. I got arrested shoplifting a tent in Twin Falls, Idaho. I got arrested for assault in Twin Falls, Idaho. Oh, yeah. On those triple runs, I was a fucking menace on those. Separate incident or same incident or separate incident? They didn't really catch me shoplifting. They caught me bringing the tent back and collecting the $178.

But they didn't catch me till after the fact. They let me keep the money, the dumb fucks that they want. The assault charge was after a weekend. Trimble had two weeks in a row that he would have a Wednesday at one club and a Thursday at the other club right across the street. Yeah, yeah. So the one week I'm in Twin Falls on Wednesday and I got to go back to the next weekend on Thursday, the two guys that got thrown out show up to the fucking mall

and I hit them with a fucking tray of Chinese food and I got arrested and they let me out at five to nine right before the show started. And I ended up fingering an Indian chick with a yeast infection. That's better than Uncle Joey, you know what I'm saying? That's not something you find out till after. That's, you know, getting in a car, you know, getting paid to 50 and having 50 bucks because you bought an eight ball. That's on you, bitch.

Yeah, yeah. That's on you, bitch. You should have bought that because you buy the eight ball. You're like, well, it'll last me for four weekends. They ain't going to last you for four weekends. No, no, no, it'll last you one day. You're going to be killing that triple whole town and be paranoid and talk to fucking weird people. That's what I do.

Now I'd have to live on 50 bucks. Twenty of it was gas. Yeah. So that's 30 bucks. That's 15 a day for food, shelter. I'd have a box of quarters in the back. You always had weed. Oh, absolutely.

We'll see. Yeah. And that was always my thing. That was the thing. You always had weed. I always had weed. And that's the only thing that gets you through that shit. I would do it in a heartbeat, but I couldn't be away from my family for two weeks.

Yeah, that'd be tough. That's the point I am in my life now. You know, she's getting to an age now that when I'm not around, bro, she starts asking. Yeah. And, you know, naturally it breaks your fucking heart. You're in Pittsburgh, you know, but I am keeping the lights on. You know, I have to rationalize it that way

and say I'm keeping the lights on, but I'm getting to a point where it's got to be tough pretty soon. She's one day she's going to raise her hand and go, I'm going with you. You know, she's a free spirit. I can see it already. Yeah. And next, you know, I got her and the mother on a fucking plane with me or her by herself.

She always talks about getting on a plane with me and, mommy, you stay. Oh, yeah. I'm just going to go with daddy. You know what I'm saying? And see what he does, you know, but I don't want to take it to a fucking gig. No, no, no, no, no. I can't have a watch me do stand up at this point, because then she's I don't want it to be a class clown.

I don't ever want to know. I do stand up to. Oh, she doesn't even know you do stand up fucking for. Oh, she's for. Yeah, she doesn't know that she doesn't know that I tell her work and that covers all the bases. Tell her you're superman. She can't see.

I tell him Spider-Man's cousin. She just looks at me. Daddy, the suit won't fit. There's something she makes. I'm a cousin. I'm the stats guy. I do a lot of tech off stuff. You know, you sit here and you go, how much work do I put?

Like I put a segment of my life into comedy. I was talking to Josh Wolf, and I said, I got into comedy. Like I was the type of guy that always ran and walked a lot. When I moved to LA, I got into comedy. I forgot about health, eating, you know, all I thought about was getting on stage still and doing drugs and having a good time at the fucking club. But I was always writing and I always hung in there. You know, I would go home, coked up and write 10 pages of material.

Next day you wake up and it's all garbage, but at least you move the pen around a little bit. So. But we also came up at a time. Me at the end of a time when you could do like when we were still. It was OK to be a bit of a rock star a little bit. Now all these, especially all the people younger than us. No, there's nobody causing havoc on the road.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's over. It's over. You asked for weed at a club now. They're like, what? What? What? No, no, they still wait for Uncle Joey. I got him trained. These motherfuckers know I got them trained. Yeah, but it used to be like they would walk in the green room and just be like Who needs weed who needs blow?

You know it was rockstar And now we're in now most of funny problems and impromptu are at a mall, you know, you're three doors down from a GNC It's just it's a different thing. There is nobody on the road today causing problems. There's nobody canceling shows No, there's nobody you hear people fall on our stools people canceling radio No, they can't find in the next day those days or they won't tolerate that one thing. No, there's too much talent There's too much time. I don't think they could handle it now I don't think they can handle Mitch Hedberg now towards the end Mitch was canceling gigs Oh, yeah, and fucking you know, it was just a nightmare towards the end and it was accepted

He was Mitch Hedberg, you know, he would just mention his name and he would sell out full fucking shows on the Sunday night Yeah, you know, and then they couldn't wake him up. I mean, you know, it was like It was very sad. I mean, it was just and you heard it on Monday You know, it was all over the wire on Monday. There was no internet in those days. It was the phone burning You know you hear about Mitch. Did you hear about fucking this guy? I remember one What's his name was on the tear for a while George Lopez? Oh, yeah, I first got into commie. I'm never moved out here George Lopez was on a tear Yeah

Like I met him at a show once and he was very nice to me and one day I'm going to DC dollars I'm delayed and I walk into the airplane. Joey did George love. Hey, how you doing? You delay and I'm delay Tequila time. I'm like, oh no, and I went over in those days. I can handle it tequila I was probably coming down from some Washington dust night before This motherfucker told the fucking guy at the bar to leave the bottle there Yeah, he put like a card down and we were sat there. I got on that plane I was I slept the whole way Stevie Wonder was on the plane and give a fuck. Yeah, I

Slept the whole fucking way the dollars. I was hammered and then I went down to Miami and they said no, it's not what's his name. It's George Lopez. You're featuring for So Tuesday he fucking did great in those days. He was killing Kellen right before Sandra Bullock discovered him. He was killing he killed Tuesday. He killed Wednesday Thursday I come out and he snapped off like he would destroyed the room But by the time he went up on stage He had already a few tequila's and and then he came on fucking stage and he sat at that improv With us. I don't know if I don't think he was doing he wasn't a drug addict at all. I know I was doing powder

So that's what was getting me alive next to him And the next morning that I thought was ringing off the hook in that fucking up Miami condo Do you know what you want? I'm talking about all the one that was right across the street the condo Yeah, oh my god, that was the condo of that dude. I remember I scored weed from a guy like just standing out on the balcony Yeah, yeah that balcony there and I was I'd be sitting there and the guys like this guy came out and he's like, what's up, man? I was like, man, I could use some weed. He's like I got you. It was that easy like I fucking loved that condo You have No idea what I did in that fucking condo and see now. I'm glad I I know

That was the condo with a bed. You had to pull it from there's a trolley bed It was a trolley bed. I used to tie chicks up and leave the ropes just cut them loose in the morning and shit I used to look up dog. I Wanted that one time after Pablo. There was those poppers everywhere. There's it was fucking crazy. Yeah There was a couple condos that were known that one El Paso. I never did El Paso Soon as you went to a pass or there'd be a note go up on top of the cabinet in the condo And they'd be like a fucking grandma blow it. It was everywhere You could buy coke for five cents in El Paso in those days. Yeah

They would just put that condo in Coconut Grove. Yeah was they used to have a condo around the corner When I first went to coconut Grove, I went there. I was very respectful. I was very honored to be there I was gonna go up in front of Cuban so in those days the condo was two or three blocks away And you didn't hear a fucking people II You were like this sucks So in those days comedy was Tuesday through Sunday, so Tuesday nights sucked You know the show ended at 930 and there were people there, but I didn't really have money to party

You know and even if I did this town sucks. I've walked back to the condo. I didn't hear nothing. Yeah by Thursday I'm fucking starving. I smoke some weed. I'm starving. I Walked down to that thing and I gotta be honest. They must have been 10,000 people on those streets cars can get you that's in coconut Grove Was coconut was the place. Yeah, it was fucking hard. It was like I've been in my house for two fucking days and thinking that this was dead This just comes alive at 11. Yeah, when I'd be walking back at 930 the streets would be dead Dead You walk out an hour and a half way that hotel was well the basketball player state

And if they were to play the Miami Heat Yeah, up the corner from the improv Oh, that's the nesta that whatever that fucking place is walking distance from the improv across the news cafe when the news cafe was there Yeah, that hotel was where the Knicks and anybody who stayed there that played the heat So it was always happening They had an Italian restaurant under the coconut Grove improv that it was a fucking fine eatery like ha ha ha Oh, yeah, champagne glasses. That was back when it was on the third floor on the third floor But I'm not at 11 o'clock chicks would be naked dancing on the table

You come down and you look and they'd be a naked woman topless Because it would be Italian that would go crazy. They'd start giving out powder in there There was be a guy playing the piano. Did you work there or she just like at the restaurant? She was downstairs at the restaurant at night. There was various nights when I was walking past the improv And I looked in there with twenty two thousand my pocket in those slurpy drinks That's right. That's the place right outside. It was a hundred and forty Different I see I see shit. Yeah, if you work the improv, they give you two free drinks I get the strongest one the hundred and forty you fucking

No, it's just basically Bacardi 151. Yeah party 151 frozen with red They set it on fire. Oh, you wake up in the morning. You puke it be red. You don't your kidney blew up Horrible this little mall. I've never prayed for death more than in Florida. Then that that by Sunday night You would be green Yeah by Sunday night from all the sugar and the blow and the not sleeping Your skin would be green you got sick eating because they had a sorry They used to have the stuff flounder with lobster meat and shrimp Do you remember that that was especially the Miami improv? Oh, yeah stuff flounder with the lobster meat in the shrimp

Yeah, well eat two of those And in my mind I go the cocaine is gone. I'm ready fucking The iodine in the blow the fish killed the fucking coke. I'm ready to go My favorite was the Hollywood, Florida improv Because they had bars down there that wouldn't even open till two in the morning So you do shows you do three shows on a Saturday and get out there like 130 get into a club that just opened I drink till five and then I'd walk into the hard rock and take tourist money in poker For fucking three hours and then I go upstairs at 9 a.m. And order breakfast with other people's money

Because the first night I was there in four-lotter day I was like I'm paying poker with this guy and we went to the we went to the end and he had nothing Yeah, why did you stay in this language son? I'm in here to gamble not play poker from then on I knew that these motherfuckers were just drunk. So I would just come in like fucking doc holiday and just take these motherfuckers I ended up doubling my merch money at the poker table Just coming home getting wasted It was awesome One of the things I always loved about he was

You're a professional. I mean you're when you were out there. There was no faking it This is not the guy that goes on stage with a beer bottle to let people know. No, you were fucking going. Yeah, you go You know, that's what I always loved about my first male with this fucking dude is the real deal He's not one of these candy motherfuckers that walks around and sips a drink on stage. Let who's drinking tequila? Fuck you. I drank tequila for breakfast, bitch. Yeah smell my breath. I literally just woke up Yeah, like you just woke up like this. It's a different life You know, and then we grow up and we go what the fuck am I doing these people paying to come see me? You know exactly anymore. Yeah

I mean you were talking early about how much a feature act is the second comic that goes on stage There's zero responsibility your responsibility is to do two things make them laugh for 25 minutes and try to kill the head Which you never do unless you're local and you hit him with local references Then the guy swims and that's for two nights until he figures out what the fuck you're doing Then he starts coming up with local references. Yeah, you know, you start talking about the local news Yeah, the judge you got arrested for fucking the black fucking midget and they They just blow up and this guy's in the back going. I forgot to read the paper What the fuck that I do I read the USA today. I should have read the chat new good times

Oh, dude, I don't know how it yeah There's so many times on Thursday. You're just looking at the kid go wait till Saturday motherfucker. Yeah, like you like yeah Go ahead. I just landed. You know what I'm saying like I'm still tired. You fucking you do you It's a different life to be a feature act and it's I think I did it from 95 To 2005 I mean that was a really good feature act Yeah, and from time to time people that you have line on Wednesday, but I tell people at time I didn't become a real headline until about six years ago. Yeah, like I was just up there I had an hour big fucking deal. No, no, no, no, it's

The guys like you that are wordsmiths. You really put the time and that's completely different I was never a headline like that till the podcast and things started and I'm like fuck I can't just go up there and play Johnny acapella. Yeah, it doesn't cut it when people paying 20 bucks You got to go out there with your heart and laying on the fucking line So they could go home and go what the fuck that we just see. Yeah, this is crazy. You lay it down, too I love that when I go on the road to some clubs I'm like who comes in here and fucks people up and they're like, oh fucking Chris Porter And I'm like you guys didn't know like Minneapolis was the real shot

There was one other club I went to that you were either coming or you had just left three weeks early Well, if it was Cleveland, I Don't know where the fuck it was. Well, Bronson's house of comedy. I was I had never played. Oh, yeah, that's what they said Yeah, they're like they had no idea and also my my onstage I mean, it's still me the the the person I play on stage is much angrier and Abrupt than I am. So when I come in I'm like, hey, how's it going? It's super nice to meet you They're like, well, who's this fucking idiot and then I get on stage and I fucking bring the heat. I'm like, oh, okay That's that guy

It's a little weird. When did you get on last comic stand up a first season? That was for season four. That was 10 years ago 11 years ago. That was a Ralphie. No, that was two seasons after Ralphie. Wow Yeah, so Ralphie is on the second season. He was on season two and they had season three that had like Alonzo one it okay, it was season one versus season two, I think and then they canceled it like before they announced it and Then I was in the season with fucking Gabriel and Josh blue and Ty Barnett And Ross G and all those who won that yeah, Josh blue Josh blue, but Gabe got ejected for using his cell phone so

Right we kind of dodged a huge bull That's right. He was in the house for two weeks or something. I thought he lasted yeah We're on the boat and you know, we all knew he was talking to his girl None of us gave a fuck, you know, they had they have a bunch of bullshit rules because I always could be talking to writers I'm like, it's fucking fluffy dude. He's not talking to anybody But we knew his girlfriend had just had surgery or whatever so we're all cool with it But he got caught on camera Texting her and so they're like you got to go

How crazy is that? Yeah Fuck and the funny thing is they did interviews with all of us and literally nine of the 11 of us We're like, yeah, we're fine with it Like we know what he's doing and we're happy that he's kind of got the balls to do it And they they played the two chicks that were like well rules are rules So yeah, now you have to go on a house then no, yeah, we did we had to well, we didn't have a house We were on the Queen Mary for ten days Yeah

Do you have to share a room? I'm sorry. It was long ago. I don't remember if you had to well I shared a room with Bill Dwyer, but he got eliminated pretty quickly So I had a I had my own room for most of what weed on the boat No, no, that was the first thing I did as soon as I was As soon as I was off the boat was I went straight to my friend's house We got ten days on a ship with no reefer dude. It was about did they search you on the way in? Well, they just said don't bring marijuana. It's maritime rules fuck you No, I had weed in the I had weed during the semi-finals and whatnot

Trying to think I think I just yeah, I think I just run out But we were on camera at all times there were cameras everywhere So there wasn't we didn't there wasn't anywhere I would have lost those motherfuckers. I would have flattened their tires You know me. I'm a I would have put sugar in that gas tank. They were got hit right before they go on the 101 the car stalls I'm a fucking master of flattery. Well, we got sue like we were we turned into big drunks on that boat for sure Because as soon as we got done filming all the shit. It was just like it was poker and Drinks but they shot you 24 hours a day. Yeah, we were on camera like there were cameras in your room

Yeah, they cameras are on my god You could whack off and as soon as the first person woke up they had fluorescent lights that came on And so as soon as the first person was up everyone was up And I mean I'm sure they somewhere in an NBC vault. There's video of me screaming at a security camera going Are you fucking? I'm just losing my mind like just turn off the lights So I can sleep And they wouldn't do it. I Think that's like the worst part about reality TV like that's I worked on the post out of reality TV when I first moved here and

They like they aren't they're just constantly then they have people Directing the cameras they've produced as they're all night. So those zoom it's the zoom in on you when you're sleeping to get shots of that They want it's uh, I don't think I could be like whenever I saw the real world And there were like four people in a room sleeping together Now I would I would be out I would be on immediately, you know, I shot a presentation for Animal Planet like a month ago And I really Realized how much like what I could do what I can do Like me and the guy are great friends now, but he goes at the first couple days

It was really hard to crack your nut because You know what man if this is a job, this is a job everything I want to leave my house. Yeah Okay, you want to tape me you want to tape me tape me from jumping in the lift and going to the airport That's fine. The guy will go to me and then one day I He would always say to me well what cats will come out because we shot a thing about cats I must have told this fucking guy 80 times that these cats ain't gonna come out And one fucking day I'm walking and he asked my wife like after he asked me any time You thought it was cute, you know, I'm like

Fuckers and I had to pull him aside and I go listen when I tell you something I only tell you one fucking time I don't give a fuck what executive you are right? He just turned pale. Yeah, he apologized later and I realized that I'm at a point right now. I don't want to camera my fucking face anymore. I enjoyed doing this but for me To have people in my home and look at my bathroom and me and my bed list. I don't need it that much I don't want her. It's rough. I don't have no idea. It's fucking rough I woke up one morning during last comic standing with a three camp person camera crew staring at me Like sound guy audio guy Mike guy just staring at me as I wake up like oh

Hey guys Good morning. I Have a boner. Sorry like it's not bad enough. We got a right material and everything But then you got to push the envelope. Listen, I don't mind doing it, but five hours a little day Let me get my head together. Let me write that the Starbucks. Let me go to the library. Let me jerk off Let me smoke a bowl of weed. You can't be how about from eight to fucking 12 you're on me or whatever, you know Like I don't mind that but I can't have you Follow me that day is sunk that ship some years. What about no TV? No internet. No phones

That's not gonna happen. That's not worth it to me either There's no reason why you should do that to me. That's just a personal thing you come up with to bust my boss You know, you have a family Really? Yeah, really? No, I don't think so, bro You know, you can't make the exclusion for the family. Do you have a family yet? How about you come in the fucking house with me and not call your fucking family for a week? Go fuck yourself Yeah, no, no, no, that's why I couldn't that's why even with Animal Planet and the presentation I was very excited about it. But then I thought about the process and I'll do it with contingencies. My house is all fucking limits

I don't want nobody around my fucking house. I don't want no camera creepy people Waking me up. I'm upsetting my animals. It's not worth the aggravation, bro. You know, yeah I was 26 when I mean to be fair like you didn't know for what last This for you was brilliant. Yeah, and but and it wasn't my house I was staying on a ship that was had been docked for 12 years or like so Like I knew I was in for but yeah, I mean, it's just but in those moments. You're just like what the fuck am I getting myself into? Yeah, you don't know somebody comes up to you and says we're gonna pay you fucking this you're gonna be on a national show You're a young comic. You're like, okay, except when you're taking a shit and there's a camera in that fucking bathroom

You know, is that really necessary? And you know what 10 days is 10 days? Yeah, I think by 14 days people start to snap and they'll be arguments and oh, dude We had talks at lunch off camera just like like people sneaking like did you had you like it was like a bet Who could jerk off and it was just like how'd you do it? And you know one of them just be like I just did it like in front of the cameras if they want to show it They if they want to watch I don't give a fuck like I just did it and it was like I remember I snuck to a bathroom to do it because I was like there's no cameras in here and I fucking it's been a week Like I need I gotta drain this bitch. It was a great experience on though. Dude. It changed my life

Dude, there was I went from I literally make 10 times as much money that year than I did like the 10 years previous Yeah, I made more in one week that year than I did the year previous Like yeah, that's crazy How fast it rose and I knew it when it was how I was like I made more this week than I made all last year and You know that ended a long time ago, but in that 911 months that was fucking that was good times I remember Ralphie lost to that fan and I was supposed to open from the week after last comic ended Yeah, that's by the man too. Okay, and John Westling went and I remember people calling me going when he got to the last

There was three hundred people waiting for him outside in those days like it was that huge the country had really Embraced it. It was fucking huge. Yeah, I Had never even showcased I never even thought about standing online. I'm like, I'm not going down there. Yeah I'm not gonna go down. I was like embarrassed. I'm like, I don't know what I'm gonna do if I go down there And I would watch the audition tapes and I would watch top comics go out of there losing their fucking mind Yeah Who was the one guy? And now you can close that form by love. There was one fucking guy one year that went nuts

I forget what his name is He told the cameras to go fuck themselves in the audition that he sells out rooms everywhere I don't know who that is, but I know I fucking flipped out at one point. Did you shoot? Fuck. Yeah, dude. We they We're going to bed at like 11 at night. We're wasted We've been playing poker all night and they're like, oh call times 2 a.m. Right fucking like in three hours. Yeah, and we shot the Adam Corolla thing But for whatever reason we didn't go on till five we got there like three in the morning It was just a fucking

Psychological ploy to keep us up. So when we got in we were exhausted or whatever But when we got back where they kept us up because they said that we're like we're all going to bed And they're like, no, we're having breakfast And so then we're like, we don't want breakfast We just want to go to bed and they're like, well, you have to stay up for breakfast And then we got up there and there was no breakfast. They were they're like, oh, it's not ready yet And me and another comic fucking lost our minds like fucking pushing over furniture Like what the fuck like we want we didn't even want this shit and you made us stay up for it

Like and we thought and you know, they they didn't show any of that. They could have like there I was definitely they didn't I'm surprised. Yeah. No, they would never do something to discredit themselves I thought they would make themselves look like savages and no I thought they were gonna use it for like next week on last comic stand. You some of it But not if my two comics argue with us something they'd use it to create a little bit of drama, but yeah But it's something where they're keeping us up and we're like we don't want this and you're making to stay up for it I you know, that's hard to fucking Spin, you know, and I got it. I was having no success as a comic

So I figured for me to slip out the back door. I would become an actor book rolls, you know And you know now in hindsight I because I had this desire, you know I at the time I ignored a lot of things that happened the first two years like, you know Again, I'm not crying because it was one of the biggest fucking movie stupid things. I ever did in one day What's the movie with fucking David Spade? I think when he fights the fucking midget in the beginning and the Joe dirt I don't fucking know. I did one of those movies Oh, yeah, I was one of the boxing trainers to the midget and Bobby Slayton was the ring-and-answer. Oh, yeah Our call time was 5 a.m. You know time we shot

1215 at night Like most human beings that are normal will go Fuck you. Yeah. Yeah, like fuck you. That's not even close like you're not even close again It was twilight time you have no idea So when you work on a film the first eight hours is whatever then the second two hours is time and a half Then the two hours after that is like double fucking time Yeah, and after that they have to pay you for the whole fucking day all over again Even if you stay there for 15 minutes. Yeah, those big budgeted movies back in 98 when they didn't give a fuck

Yeah, I mean I got home at 3 30 in the morning But it was like in those days, it was like a five grand check I had never seen yeah a check for five fucking grand for some stupid movie, but I was there the All day when I shot basically, I didn't know what I got myself into. Yeah. Yeah, I was a dirty comment I don't know what the fuck's going on. I don't know what them go to your mark. What are you talking about? Yeah, I didn't do nothing. I don't know mark. There's nothing. I'm Steve I'm a comic you tell me to be there 715 is because I'm going on stage at 815 Yeah, you tell me to be there 745 is because I'm going on stage at 815 830

I would get that five in the morning and then they would come to me at 10 and let go you're wrapped You made me come all the way down here not knowing that I was getting scale. I'm not crying But there's a lot of situations like that the longest sure you don't know many times they Cut us. Oh, yeah, okay as you go into the hotel room they call you and go we're coming back guys All the tattoos gotta get and by the time they put the tattoos in the shoulder pads on it We lost the light see it six tomorrow. No, son of a bitch. Oh my fucking god But yeah, you know when I did that movie there was a certain contract. Yeah, this is how he got you they paid you okay, but Whether you worked or not you still had to be there five days a week

Okay, it was like a C contract until you shut out you had to be there every day They didn't give a fuck because they might want to shoot a different scene. So you would wait there all day. That's what got me the toughness of Learning how to adjust on films. It took me five years to work around sets. Yeah, not get pissed off by the time I fucking left To not get into an argument, you know, I got if you shot a cover if you went for a commercial It said August 8th to August 13th That means they were gonna shoot Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Guess what if your commercial shot Thursday in those days? They'd say See him Monday. Yeah, and you went there. You brought a magazine. You got son

You got high and you went home after eight hours, but they paid you for the whole week book a commercial today, Jack When you get there it says August 8th to the 13th and you're going home going like oh shit And also they call you like you're working one day and you get there at eight and they're like we shouldn't for commercials You're gonna be rep by 10. You're like you motherless fuck You just ruined my fucking day for two fucking hours because by that point you want overtime when I go to a set I want to be there all day like now. Yeah, I want to be there all day, but now that don't exist no more Yeah, now you get there and they're like you gonna be home by lunch and you're like are you fucking serious? I'm really just gonna get 695 a day plus 10. What the fuck?

You're looking for that over time. Yeah, but no, that's how I learned and that That was an education to me sitting around all day and you know You got all this energy and you want to use the phone and yeah, and I didn't bring a computer in those days I would just show up and be in a fucking room smaller than this staring at a toilet. Yeah for 12 hours Then once I started getting representation Then they give you a room with a TV, but the VCR don't work You know the bathroom don't flush Then they give you then they give you

Then they start giving you more stuff, you know like because your agent says a no fucking like I would do these Disney $100 a day movies. It was like prison. Yeah This is fucking Disney and they're playing these trailers that they had like Nazi villains in there and shit like that They had like fucking did they like the same you fart the whole trailer would stink Yeah, you know those things you get pissed off and you work those things like why they even take this fucking stupid job Oh, man, this is what we chose and we forget the abuse we took Yeah, but also I go home and I like tell my friend you try bitchin about that to your friends the back home Oh, I'm not bitching. I'm just saying that. Yeah. Yeah, but you're like they're like house life with you

You're like, oh fuck. I only made 695 yesterday and they're like fuck you fucking you I made that last week You fucking preach I Made that last month. Yeah 695 plus scale it is that what the union is now you work recently anything. No, it's more than that because I remember You know even during last comic ten years ago. We're making seven something. Yes seven some that was after though Yeah, that was after. Yeah after a little after and they merged so now they really don't want to pay Yeah, like now how you get a movie you're like what I'll stay home Stay home by the time I get to Marina Del Rey every day and the innovation and the fucking dry cleaning

I'm breaking even together like you can't believe you live here anymore Yeah, like you really can't like you move out here. You take acting lessons in one day You're like, well, you know people tell you come on wait wait till you book a pilot. Yeah, I'm gonna make $50,000 I never made more than $2,000 for a pile. I was always a shit Yeah, I'm buried on the $50,000 is for the guy that wrote it and it starred in it and Fucking did all like the lottery winner please No, that's that's the thing with and people at home going Joey, what the fuck are you talking about?

I had to work two weeks and I'm not complaining about that When you first get there and you don't know what you're in going for and you're sitting there for eight hours It does get aggravating the first couple times regardless of what you're making because you you've been working all your life Yeah, you came here to work. You didn't come here to fucking sit down, you know It's weird because you know, you don't have the check right there. So it's still it's still annoying. You just go it just It doesn't matter how much you're making people can still get annoyed about anything Well, I don't know about that because I know when I was in last comic standing I was like, oh, well, I'll make it 70

$800 today, and I've never yeah, I used to make that a week You can hit me in the head with a hammer for eight hundred hours a day two times Yeah, at that point when you first move here as long as they get a lunch in between you get a little lunch in between the heads You know when you first move here, it's 15 dollars a spot 1250 at the improv and you're trying to make fucking rent, which is minimal. Yeah, it's 200 dollars your rent You live with three savages. You're living out smells like shit. He's sleeping a hallway. He's sleeping a hall where hall way My friend was a coke dealer and he had one of his friends living in the closet And it was the funniest thing in the world

I go into my coke at four in the morning He opened up the closet door like the closet under the steps. Yeah, and I looked in there one day. It was beautiful Yeah, yeah, he had it all set up and they had a little fan for ventilation. Yeah, he was beautiful Well, you're gonna live in a closet. Yeah, I mean, it was beautiful. He had posters up He had a little Nintendo with a computer. Yeah, and he goes I come in here I like put the fan on and I cracked the door and I get ventilation no windows, but he was happy with what he had I Got a letter from Ari today. Yeah Wait, what how long has it been?

January 1st he left I think Ari Shofia. Oh, yeah, he sent you a letter like Titanic style. Yeah from fucking wherever he is some other country Really didn't even tell me where he was at just wrote a New York return address It had via ML on it bunch of Chinese writing Russian writing. It went through fucking like 19 customs a dog And it was really funny because it was very interesting he said that He told me the places where he had been Yeah, and he said that he couldn't get drugs at those places. So he's been drug-free For the whole time on this trip and it really cleared his mind, you know, yeah, and

that He's staying at hostels With 12 to 16 people sleeping in the room and at first he was very scared But it was very humbling for him like he's you know, he was here for a long time I think that well my wife asked me and I said, you know if I didn't have you and I didn't have the kid and You go on the road for six weeks in a row you come back That thing you shot didn't get picked up one day. You know what? I just want to go to fucking somewhere for six weeks and think about my fate. Yeah, yeah

Gabriel Lisa just did it Gabriel cancelled this tour. Yeah, he got hit in a health problem. No, no He had you know one day you wake up and you go I've been doing this for a long time. I've been everywhere. I've done arenas. I've done big fucking productions and movies But at the same time I've neglected a lot of things. Yeah, it's like I neglected my health when I first moved to LA When you go on, you know, and again, this is not somebody crying or You know, we were talking about plane rides how you put earplugs in you before you travel because the fucking the noises at the airport, you know Now like we've been flying for 20 years. We prepare ourselves to fly. I'm ready for a delay. I got weed sticks I got Xanax. I got an iPod. I got a notebook. I got a pen. I got a vapor pen

I mean, I'm ready to fly. You want to delay me? That's fine. I'm gonna get fucked up I got edibles hidden somewhere. Oh, absolutely always always But you do that every fucking week and there's a guy that listen it was in Forbes. He made ten million dollars But if you pull up his schedule for the last ten years, he only takes like July off if that every year Yeah, if that, you know, he shoots two TV shows. He's got he bought a warehouse, you know, he's in demand He travels abroad. I mean this guy does two shows on Christmas fucking day Yeah sells out the Irvine improv on Christmas day. There's an 18 and over show You know, you got to come home one day and go wait a second. I got a

Let me slow down for six weeks and see where I want to go Ari One day called me Ari canceled the schedule last year. Okay, Ari canceled called his agent one day and said Cancel the rest of my work Yeah, and the agent was like, I don't know what's going on and then Ari just wanted to take a fucking vacation. I mean, he's been here working hard, you know, when you I think it's better to want than to have I got a friend. I got a call from a friend of mine today. Mr. Fuckin. I'm shooting a pilot. Yeah You know, everybody wants to shoot a fucking pilot and sell it to somebody I don't ever raise my hand because it's none of my business. I always know it's bad business to shoot a pilot and try to sell it

Yeah, no, it's very hard to shoot a pilot and try to sell until his economy. I'm walking there with somebody That's backwards. Yeah, somebody wants he wants to walk in and I appreciate his thing and his feracity You never can get in somebody's way But he got a call and he was supposed to shoot the pilot at three o'clock with a name Okay guys a name. Yeah, and it ain't the morning. He got a call the guy canceled The guy goes here's the story. I got to do a photo shoot in New York and because of the snowstorm I can't go on Thursday. They want me to fly in tonight Yeah, so this guy

Really fucked by God, you know, fuck my god at the last goddamn minute. That's my foot. I'm sorry. It did sound like that It's not enough Fuck man. God's fucking on top of it, but it's uh, what we talking about. I got too high there for a second Oh, you're huh? Mr. Shoot a pilot Mr. Shoot a pilot calls and that's you know, he fucking tells me that the guy canceled them. Yeah last minute, you know Yeah, I don't even know what the purpose of the story wasn't anymore. That's all right Thank God I stopped eating edibles you

What do you got going on brother? Well, we were a release a new album. Okay. No special. No, no Netflix didn't Netflix didn't want it. So you said fuck you. I'm taping something anyway and releasing it Yeah, I mean, you know, I released my first record with stand-up records So I figured they'd be pretty responsive if I wanted to give them something they were So I was just tired of the hour, but I Knew it was a decent hour one worth putting out. Absolutely. And so I just I Sat on it for a little bit. I just kept doing it and doing it so that it was ready And then it got to a point where I'm like, I'm just slowing myself down

So called stand-up records and said, let's do this and they're like, let's do it So It's matter of fact, I have to listen to the final cut tomorrow and then it'll be out within weeks I think so you're still hustling man And that's the most important like don't you ever I said to myself every day no matter what the fuck's going on I'm still here. I'm so dude every day. I get paid to tell jokes is good. Like I I'm definitely I definitely know what Ari's talking about and and that shit you go through I'm just not at a place where I could walk away. No, no, no, no, no, no

And it was like I think it's better. That's what my story was it better than wanting to have some time Yeah, sometimes you move to this town art when are we first got this is not happening on comedy central Yeah, the first call he got was from Duncan Trump. So going dog before you say yes Analyze this and get ready to get mind fuck get ready to get calls from networks and executives and yeah Yeah, people that don't know nothing about anything. They're almost you and giving you rules He goes, it's gonna wear on you. Yeah, he goes I did the math after I got the deal and shot the pilot Joey He goes, I made new money but the time I put it in the end not Ari Duncan was saying this at lunch one day

He called Ari and Ari said I understand And I was getting to a point that he was going on the road You know, like I said, it's tough enough doing comedy now I got comedy central calling me all day on Thursday and Friday giving me notes and willing you're trying to write your material You're trying to get your shit together now. So it's very hard to focus You know, he had had some issues like focusing whatever and like I said, he called one day and he goes I'm not gonna shoot my special I'm gonna put it on cold. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking go to around the world

And get to live life and then try to write about it. He goes. He hadn't lived his life for a while Absolutely, and I gotta be honest with you for about the last three weeks I was kind of upset deep down inside Like Jesus Christ, not even a fucking postcard. Yeah, but that's what he said to me Cuz I couldn't find the fucking post office for the last three weeks. Yeah, I know that it was overdue And it made me feel good. I understand what position he's in no dog in 1995 Part of the reason I went on that triple run was because I was gonna be Ari. That's it. Yeah I just almost fucking beat up a guy. I lost my daughter. I got no money. I'm not doing nothing here and Denver

Commonly I was living in Boulder. There's no reason me to live here. Yeah, how many words banned me at the time I was gonna do comedy at the two other clubs and grow. That's not gonna happen and I got in my car I went on a journey man I lived on the road and I moved to Seattle along the way and then That's I did the same thing he did and it took me Three years to settle now. Hey, dude at the end of the day when we're on the road We're in a one-man submarine like yeah, you you have the other comics when you're at the shows, but Most of the time you guys don't hang out

Most of the time you just go back to your rooms and you chill the fuck out and you see each other So sometimes it's nice to get out of the submarine for a little bit and walk among the nerds around people to get material You have to live your life and I think it happens It happens to musicians where you know, I was watching the thing about black Sabbath the other day toward incessantly The two and a half years and then they took fucking eight months off You don't want to see that person after two and a half years. Oh, absolutely You don't want to see that person. You don't want to hear about music You don't want to be here by new chords or you want to go home

It's just sitting in front of your fucking TV Sundays when I get home All I want to do I don't sit in front of fucking TV, but Sundays I sit in front of fucking TV I watch my 60 minutes. Yeah, you know, I watch my little Sunday night football for a quarter or not I watch whatever shows on HBO or pop there with my wife. Yeah, you know, I have to decompress completely I don't go on the Facebook. I don't go on Twitter. I don't want to know what's on Twitter. Yeah You can't comment on this life if you don't live it if you don't live it. Yeah, no, I don't know how There are people and I complain about this constantly. I love them daily. They're on Twitter But if I go on Twitter at 6 in the morning, they're tweeting

If I go on Twitter at 2 in the afternoon, they just tweeted and if I go on Twitter at 11 o'clock, they tweeted They're on there all day. Yeah Not looking up Yeah, yeah, well, they're looking up. They're thinking of one thing and they're going right back down. It's constant It's all fucking day and you sit a whale breathing. You have to You have to give I think Ari just needed a break from that's when I get pissed off Well, I start hearing from people that don't know what they're talking about Yeah, like when I was promoting the CD the DVD for CISO and I was getting calls from people that were trying to tell me

My job that pisses me to fuck off. I got me here this far Yeah, you're not gonna make me do a radio tour of a M radio from 6 a.m. To 9 Talking to college students about my career like it's not gonna stop me sell DVDs Did you really go to prison? Oh, yeah, you dropped the soap, you know, yeah Those are the worst interviews ever interviews ever. Yeah. Yeah, they wear you out. So let me be on here Let me be on here. Let me be funny for five minutes Just ask me about something. I don't even have to do jokes. Just let's be funny Don't any time I go to an interview especially like, you know

When we do radio or a million fucking TV interviews and the first thing that it's like So what do we expect from your shows? I'm fucking done It's like it's fucking comedy, dude. It's like I'm gonna go up there. I'm gonna talk you obviously did no research whatsoever They're just fucking They don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. That's most people. Yeah, that's people now because now Like even podcasting it's become like the age of the director anybody could be a director today. Yeah, anybody. There's no formal training They watch three movies. Yeah, that's three movies. I'm a director No, you're not know you're fucking not guys. No, you're not. That's why your movies suck

That's why you gotta learn you gotta go back to the 70s to learn how to direct if you don't study the guys in the 70s You're not gonna be a good director. Those were the those are the ones that sold you the story visually. Absolutely They sold the 70s. They had to sell you the story visually today That directing isn't accepted because it's considered a little boring Yeah, even the 80s like in the 80s the opening two minutes of any 80s movie as a car driving through the woods Like just to a song like that's all it is. Sorry about that. We're getting hit with the planes over Burbank But I'll tell you what like I totally the other day, you know what I don't want to polish podcast I want you motherfuckers to think you listen to something rated X like it

You're living under a cave and the Russians are looking for you like pirate radio. Yeah, this is what I want I'd ever want it to be perfected or edited or people putting music on the fucking podcast I want you to hear the burps the farts the scratching of the nuts The whole fucking kidding caboodle. That's what we do here on a church cock suckers. Let me do some shout outs here Ask you a few more questions and we'll get the fuck out of you guys want to go for Korean food You might as well take the little Korean over there. I can tell he's starving. He's looking at that sandwich right now He's about to eat the rapper. Oh, no, I don't as soon as you guys leave the sandwich will be gone No, they're eating it. You ain't eating that sandwich. You're sniffing that fucking baggie. We already ate two sandwiches

I want to give smoking out to a shout-out Michael Bird song Eddie broncaccio Bobby and crystal dicks. I at lawn Rosenko always there Leon the man of steel over there in Germany Fucking German chicks by the dozen Purple bus. Oh gee. I love you cocksucker and Sean Welsh and my man Bob LaLingus. I want to wish your dad good luck His upcoming procedure thinking about you always and That's basically the fuck it. You know I'm saying so I don't know what's gonna happen with these 22 feet of snow I'm going to fucking Baltimore this weekend a bazooka would have to stop me in the stand me, but

They already like I got home this afternoon two o'clock and I saw a friend of mine post My kids got no school tomorrow. Like in Jersey. They already declared war. Oh, yeah The storm hasn't even formed yet. Do you understand that? Like that's what I on the news. The storm is not like there are no clouds They're just predicting that clouds will form and make a storm. I talked to my friend today and he said that it feels like snow's coming Yeah, you could feel that coldness So I definitely you know that feeling Yeah, I grew up in it. You get that smell in that air. Yeah, you know when you're getting your bones start to creak a little bit

But two feet of snow. So I don't know what's gonna happen if hasn't formed yet And they're talking about Tuesday. That means Wednesday. Yeah, that means I'm not taking no fucking red eye I'm not going on the little bomba flight That's the little bomba red eye with fucking snow coming down. You got a land with snow. No, no, no, that's the bomb Yeah, yeah, you get big bopper to the next level. Yeah, no, fuck you. So I don't know what's gonna happen So I hope you know, I'm gonna be at mcgooby's comedy at joker house You know thursday friday saturday with the emphasis on motherfucking thursday That's when the devil's showing up cocksuckers. So make sure you're there eight o'clock show

Snow sleet hell. I don't care if your grandmother got hit by a truck. You better be that cocksucker Ha Lee what do you got playing for the weekend? Oh, he's going to las vegas this weekend. I am I have uh I'm working for a little bit and then I get to spend the night with larry playing blackjack It's gonna be great. How much are you taking? How many years you're taking with just 500? I think a couple g's la rue I wish I could bring a couple g's that'd be the that's my dream You gotta dress up on a suit and go play with them and throw them off this time Throw them off

Oh, what what level table you play? uh 25 hand five dollar hand. No, well, I I've been playing 25 around here because that's all I really have. Yeah I really should be playing the 15. So I'll win vegas. I'll play the 15 and and Unless I make a little bit of money and then I'll switch to the 25, but that's still a little bit much I don't like playing 25 by hand. All right Are you very good at so you're very good at cards. You're very proof. I play poker. I don't okay, and I'm not very good

It's just really easy to take drunk idiots money You know, and that's who you find at six in the morning at a fucking hard rock casino So where do you play? Do you play in like where you have to sign up and they call you over? Or do you just play against the dealer? I don't play as much. I mean, I don't play as much as I used to I'll play like if I play a casino like I used to play the board god in Atlantic city and a few other places Like I'll take a hundred bucks down at the tables and I'll play the one two tables. You worked a big room at the board god Well, yeah, but I don't do it as like my own show I do, you know, they they book it sunday through thursday with like a three headliner show

Do they really? And so then it used to be monday through sunday and then like If they had it booked friday saturday, you would just have friday saturday off, but they'd still give you a room and shit So sometimes they'd hook you up like I saw hauling oats one night because I was off and they had extra tickets, so You know, but speaking of haul notes. I mean interrupt you. I heard some fucked up shit today on sirius radio Okay All I just just john oats is coming out with a book Awesome, and the guy was reading a segment. You know at the end of 1980 or 1995

John hall or john oats had sold 80 million alms and he had 55 dollars in the bank. No, why? Does he didn't get any of the writing credits like just they were just saying the story that just flew over my head legal battles Yeah, you know, I was watching sunday. I was watching black sabbath. It was on real tv or real whatever it is And they told the whole story about sabbath how they had made four alms They all had gone platinum and they were fucking broke So they had to sue their manager and then they counter sued and they won So they had to go on a five week japanese run Three nights four nights a week just to fucking break even the pay the attorneys back. Yeah

Like that shit is a fucking nightmare stones did that they owed so much in texas. That's why it's called eggs out all means Right, right, right. No, I knew about that stuff, but it's just I do not understand how Those contracts work with music. I had danny brown in here and I asked him a little bit and I got it Yeah, and I want like I tried to get don felder in here, but he said he's not taking interviews I really want to get to the nuts and bolts of somehow this happens In 90. I mean were you just doing that many fucking drugs? No, it's just back in the day like especially in the 60s and 70s is the the

The precipice or the you know the beginning of like, oh this guy gave me a deal and now i'm a millionaire But some guys, you know For as many of those guys as there were there were probably eight guys that got deals That weren't great Like and that and that went on till the 90s like the black crows first deal was shit And they actually the only reason they got out of it was because deaf american was so poorly staffed That they didn't watch their options and they fucking let it lapse and so The crows got to renegotiate

But chuck berry all those cats like it got a white dude in a suit in 1968 comes up to you with a piece of paper going I'll give you seven thousand dollars right now if you sign this You go fuck. Yeah, and you don't read it and then you realize that he just took 99 of your publishing And that's where all the money is whatever the the jewish guy from the sopranos Hash hash. Yeah. Yeah, you know Most musicians aren't lawyers So even if they read the contract, they don't even know what the fuck it says And they don't know the difference between the the one party and the other party

So the guy can totally tell them. Yeah, you're that guy with the 99 And then when it comes to lawsuit time, he's like I never said that I just don't understand how you go on the road You have hit fucking music A million copies if you get a dollar an album, you're a fucking millionaire. Have you telling me that you don't get a dollar They don't they get like seven cents Oh My god now, what if they own the music?

That's where the money is that's where the money is but that's you know, that's something you get at the end Like maybe now like, you know, jz saw the saw the business in enough Forefront to be like I own my music and he's he had his own, you know, he started Rockefeller from the start And it was his But you know, you saw ray Like he didn't own his masters until he kind of Made his he made them give him his masters. He just

Kind of negotiated his way into that but fucking chuck berry The band I mean look at the band like robbie robertson took all their money and fucking Two of them ended up or at least one of them killed themselves richard manual killed himself at the end of the day And you know, because he had no money whatsoever. Meanwhile, robbie robertson's got nine houses You know, sometimes it's not the manager. It's another dude in the band. I know that uh, what's his name did that also? Now I forget his fucking name. Well, that happened with easy Yeah, yeah, if you watch fresh helicopter than him and then the manager was robbing him

Yeah, he was robbing the band and the manager was robbing him. I just It's such a fucking day. It would drive me crazy That should drives me fucking crazy at the end of the day Like you you show a guy that's never seen eight grand in his life. You just give him eight grand He's probably gonna sign whatever the fuck you put in front of him. Well, fucking you kid And I got a call from the ice house once when I was struggling. I was eating fucking beans with my wife And they called and said these guys want to do a tape. They're gonna sell it to naval bases and army bases in the war You get 1500 flat and 50 percent of the profits. Let me tell you something

That 15 a lot of check cash and I never saw those people again Yeah, I was fucking you know, I wasn't I didn't play at the ice hospital two or three years because I went off on the Own I got you responsible for it. You connected us with us. That's like a drug deal Yeah, you connect me with a bad drug deal you cover for it, bro And he was like, I'm not doing this. I call him the attorney I got an attorney to look into the company. They had so many shell companies And I would see soldiers at shows and they'd bring me the dvds and I'd sign and go How many of these fucking dvds were over there? He goes guys

It was like suing the predator because they the the company would just put stand up Calmly at the bases or something like this and he goes this was the most popular one for like three or four months I knew for a fact they sold a ton of them. Yeah. Yeah, we never got a dime and after that Before I do anything higher level. Let me run this by my lawyer. Absolutely even the fucking and this is the problem You have an ally Okay, a lot of people don't know it's like you have to go. What time is your reservation? Oh it well, I mean I don't we didn't really have one. Okay, but we've been having so much fun at times pass by the koreans stay open all night They drink a beer they're playing dominoes

I should probably go to the next 15. Yeah, let's get out of here. But no, it's it's really interesting how lucky we are that we don't But in LA you don't watch it because here's the problem When I did my fucking deal I took it to The attorney where everybody takes it to comedians. Yeah. Yeah, and my wife read it my wife's like, you know what? This is a forgase. These guys know each other. Yeah. Yeah So my wife sent it to a fucking evil jew downtown that runs the disney hall

You know, disney don't fuck with you unless you're jewish and get like roots the fucking hit lary sent him to eiser himself Yeah, these motherfuckers are mean. Yeah. Yeah, this bitch came back And just grabbed half that contract. I mean she goes tell joey. Yeah You see this little clause right there. That's how they get you used to yeah I mean we got it to the point where we could contact new wave and look at what they invested like we have and we signed it before I don't do it because you know, you're gonna get robbed anyway You ever go into these deals with these people like, you know, but how much can they rob me? Absolutely at the end of the day. Yeah, if the if the content gets out

You're gonna see it at the end. You're gonna see that the miles davis always said albums are just advertisements for the gigs That's it. That's what they really fucking know. I'm yeah Chris poet. I'm really happy you came on you one of the guys that uh Are the real guys you one of the good guys Well, I appreciate it. I feel the same you gotta get out there more you gotta come on here more Dude, I'll be out here. I'll come by anytime. I love you to death always. So when I saw this minneapolis thing. Oh, that's it When I go back, I gotta hunt down chris fucking porter anything. All right. You have any questions You're cool. Everything was all right when he contacted me because you mind my girlfriend comes

I thought it was gonna be one of these things where I ask a question He looks at you and you're like And then he looks back at me and goes I can't answer that question. I can't actually that happened one time No, the truth has been a lot around a lot longer than she has so we gotta So we gotta fucking get out. Where are you at the next few weeks? Let me promote something against brother. Well, uh, Tomorrow and wednesday. I'm at her most a comedy magic this weekend I'm at standup scott's dale and next weekend punchline in alana. You got a website Chris porter is funny.com, but I'm getting ready to relaunch it. Okay. Listen. This is one of my personal favorites

If he comes to your town, give him the respect go down and give him a hug Tell him I heard you're on the church and that's basically it was going on with you Lee Huh I'm I'm doing I'm doing good. I'm like excited to go to vegas and that's all that's it. That's it. Yes excited to go to vegas Fucking amazing. Wait till I get the report from vegas It never ends. You know what I'm saying? It never fucking ends always on it For supplements, I love them to death that hemp protein. I live by it every morning That's what I drink for breakfast. I mix it around but honor is my favorite

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Getting a lot of work done. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. See you next week. Have a great weekend See you in Baltimore, Maryland. Stay black babies Oh, yeah, we're gonna turn the air. I'll get an air conditioner nearly that's it. I've had it Who rocked rules and make moves with all the mommies the back of the club The back of the club mac and holds my cruise behind me mad question asking blood passing music lasting But I just can't quit because one of these emmy's biggie got to creep with Sleep with keep the epa secret. Why not? Why blow up my spot? Cause we both got hot now. Check it I got more mac than cragging in the bed. Believe me, sweetie. I got enough to feed the need

No need to be greedy. I got mad friends with benzie. See notes by the layers. True fucking players Jump in the rover and come over tell your friends jump in the gf3. I got the chronic by the truth Throw your hands in the air and use a true player To the honey's getting money playing niggas like honey's Oh You gotta come up in your ways, please don't shoot up the place Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby Baby

I'm asking most of these niggas think they be macgin, but they be active. They attract them with that line What's your name? What's your sign soon as he buy that wine? I just creep up from behind and ask you what your interests are Who you be with things to make you smile what numbers to dial you're gonna be here for a while I'm gonna call my crew. You go call your crew. We can rendezvous at the bar around two Plans to leave though the keys the little seeds pull the truck up front and roll up the next block So we can steam on the way to the telly go fill my belly a t-bone steak cheese eggs and welch is great Cover safe for a few because in a few we gonna do what we came to do ain't that right boo Forget the telly we just go to the crib and watch a movie in the jacuzzi smoke elves while you're doing

I love it when you call me big Throw your hands in the air if yous a true player To the honeys getting money play your niggas like dummies You gotta come up in your ways, please don't shoot up to place Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby baby How you living biggie smalls imagining business giving ends to my friends and it feels stupid Tremendous cream fuck a dollar and a dream still took out strap with infrared beans

Chopping old smoking light ophthalmos money holds and clothes all the niggas know A foolish pleasure whatever I had to find the very treasure so grams I had to measure However, living better now Gucci sweater now drop top bm's i'm the mad girl friend Honey check it check Tell your friends to get with my friend your friend We can be friends Shit we can do this every weekend that's right Is that how it should be?

Yeah Keep banging Throw your hands in the air if yous a true player To the honeys getting money play your niggas like dummies I love you when you call me pick a pop You gotta come up in your ways, please don't shoot up to place Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby baby

You