Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #469 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: April 4, 2017

Steve Simeone, Comedian and writer, seen on Comedy Central's "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 1 month for free.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Recorded on 04/03/2017.  

I made it he goes there were guys at Crest Hill that would get development deal after development deal He goes when I sold out Madison Square Garden those guys We're back in the Midwest each in June He was like it ain't how fast it's slow and steady that wins the race. I never forgot it It really is crazy That you see him come and fucking go in this town like you just see him Come and go in this town and for dice to tell you that type of story that's little steps and he's absolutely right Yeah, I sat here and got pissed on

Watch people do what the fuck they wanted. Yeah, and I would say and I'd see other people that it were fucking animals And nobody looked at these people and then the card flips but then at times a Few of them slipped through the cracks Yeah, and you look at them and you wish them well But you know somewhere along the line they're gonna crack because this is tough and it's like round the rousy when they all come at you Yeah, there's no shortcuts. They all come at you for the same fucking direction This show is brought to you by on it for all your supplements go to honor calm right now and press in church and get

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Monday April 3rd April fools could suck your dick. It's over Yeah, give it to me. Hmm. What church or what's happening now? Oh need some oh shit is what you need baby boy Here you go cocks up this what Church of what's happening now Little Lisa at aka Festos My man Steve the Simone aka Steve Simone

Uncle Joey Diaz coming at you cocks up this what What What's happening you bad motherfuckers it's another edition of the church what welcome to podcastville I got my main man Steve Simone Lisa yeah, but his blue shirt on I gave him a bong it His eyeballs almost blew out. Was that the same thing you gave Dean Delroy cuz that's what I felt like No, that was whatever the fuck This is the devil's land when I gave you the same shit I gave you last week and your face got all red like that

I want to thank all the people came to the shows at nyak One of the funnest fucking weekends. I've had in a long time a lot of crazy people showed up My man Andrew Nandow showed up my other dog showed up with spaghetti sauce. I traveled all the way back with a jar of fucking spaghetti sauce You know the fucking troops showed out and it all ended with some guy getting hit in the head with a bottle in the fucking bathroom on Saturday night and Telling me it was the best night of his fucking life because it was his birthday and he came to the show So I want to thank everybody who came out. I had a great time to do with the tattoos from the Bronx I mean there was just the two Italian dudes that the Lula brothers

Fucking Fidel and his brother Raul the Jews who came I mean, you know, I loved everyone I had every I had a great time last weekend. The fucking food was great. I had spaghetti and clam sauce I gotta be honest. He even had the sushi twice. Wow delicious. You know me. You can't eat fucking meat on Friday So you gotta slip in some Philly rolls and shit And the shrimp temporal to get the party started and I've been holding on good. It was it's been a good length Me too has been a very good length. I stuck to my Fridays. I didn't eat no fucking edible He's been good for you. I was gonna say for me. It's been like a no, it's like the opposite of for you It's every day at the office. This is it. We don't stop here. Lisa. I went on again

This is what makes our podcast different to anybody else. We don't stop the party. What do you mean podcast? I was gonna tweet something. This is a lifestyle. What's happening now is a mental lifestyle. You ain't running with the Hebrews We got so many different directions and philosophies coming into the church You know, yeah, I know you but I woke up like I keep I always try to think about like what other people going through Offices I got two emails from Joey and about 145 a.m. Last night and they both who started with I've been up since I've been up since 1 a.m. Cocksucker. You're slipping. We're taking over 2000 Like it's just like what kind of email like this email would go to a jar like this would be a big skin a little bit And I go last night. I laid down. I fucking sat there with my wife

My friend Becky came over. We had donuts. We watched Angel Heart with Mickey Rourke phenomenal fucking movie Then they real stole it again as the devil fucking tremendous when he eats that egg He scares the shit out and and my man Dave Foley put it up in his fucking website So it's an HD like that new shit. Oh my god But anyway, it is funny my daughter came in and I'm watching whatever she was daddy. It looks like a scary movie I know I'm scared myself once you sit next to me and we could be scared together She just looked at me and ran out of there. That's a scary ass movie just to look at the The darkness of that movie, you know when that movie came out. It was that golden child. Oh, yeah

Something else came out in 1987 and New York Times wrote a big article that the devil was alive and kicking that year I thought was the year of the devil and cinema Wow because those three movies are really fucking They really hit hard like the golden child. Nobody's ever watched. That was Eddie Murphy That's Eddie Murphy. Nobody sees that movie. Nobody knows it exists. Nobody ever paid attention to it It's like after 48 hours and trading places and I think it's a little before coming back to America, right? So he had done. I don't know if he did that black you know, so nobody's ever really seen golden child Golden child an interesting movie about a kid who's gonna save the world and the chick posed and played boy big Ted She was a little Indian girl nice

That's a weird movie no, but it's that's that whole year they said 1987 was the year of the devil. There was one other movie that came on 87. That was a strong devil flick I don't know what the name of this really doesn't matter, but I My wife went to bed Becky left And it was 1115. I go let me go lay down. I'm tired. Like I was physically and mentally tired the weekend in Naya, you know the little the long flight Jet blue is one meal. Okay, one meal like it beats Virgin it beats American it beats Delta in those six-hour trips They've been ahead of the game for years. I love I've loved jet blue. They were the one of the first to have TVs

The everywhere And you know what I love and I've only done it a couple times those extra leg room are great great everything on there Get up get your own potato chips sodas. That's great because the deed. This was an old date My agent called him and said can we negotiate a price or something a little higher? He's selling more tickets now and they came to an agreement. I got a little just time to get me a mid-plane ticket on Let's just go down the middle forget the percentage. Just get me a mid-plane ticket I'll pay for it and send them the receipt boom and they could pay me that boom That's what I did. That's great

and it's a third of the price of all those other big passenger airlines because Kennedy LAX to Kennedy is three grand. I usually use upgrades. I get upgrades. I have like 97 upgrades So it's four to New York, but you're not gonna guarantee you that's what everybody's cameras, right? What weird thing happened was I went to bed and these are sick when I got into the fucking flight in in New York I get in the flight in New York. I'm first on the flight Some chick with a dog is sitting in the cubicle next to me because you gotta get an even number and you have the cubicle to yourself So it's like your own little apartment Like I thought you should see me I fit in there and I was sleeping like this like a baby in the embryo

I had fucking I had Godfather 2 on they got Rocky So I got what Godfather 2 on the way there and I got what I got on the way back Maybe Rocky Rocky want maybe Rocky was something else I watch I watch a couple law and orders I watch a couple shows about the alligator people swan people best show on television those rednecks Last week the guy's finger got cut off. He's still driving the thing is like I got a brush to an ambulance because bacteria might come in here But I still got to make a living and go get myself an alligator and he went with his little fingerless fucking hand Oh my god at the end of the show the guy goes man. That was a good job today He goes I give you a high five, but it's really a high three

Hysterical swan people show on television so When I woke up my cubicles not like fucking thoughts Like ass but he's the city Jews that behind me and they went with the whole garb him and her had the whole garb when they came On then he started making a commotion. He had a pretty type of jupa-jama's on This guy goes into the bathroom and changes his little yamaka suit on To this other gray plaid pajama suit on his wife got up and she goes in the bathroom And she changes some little Jewish outfit and she comes down and sits down behind me I don't say two words. I was gonna call me, but it was too early in the morning to bother

So I just went back to bed when I got up dog. It's not like 22,000 farts in that fucking cubicle I had a protein shake and then I ate something on the there was no fucking There wasn't a place opening Kennedy. That's how early I flew out of there. I flew out of 545 Playing boards at 515. There's nothing open. Do you understand me? That's the worst So I got on the plane. I had like yogurt granola. I had this shrimp I had two pieces of chicken and fucking waffles I bent over went to bed three hours later. I wake up with 20 minutes left My whole cubicle smells like a dead fart even with the fan going. I'm thinking it's me

But it was so bad. I look around and look behind me the Jews were gone. You understand me? Fuck it so When we landed I go what happened to the Jews I didn't ask the lady cuz I didn't want to be you made the move their first class Seats does that oh and the airplane farts most especially yogurt and protein. Oh Plus the salmon I had the day Oh, yeah, I'm killing the Philly roll the clams from Friday the clams from Friday that nyak water It was all over the shouting dog plus I had an espresso before I went to sleep to have espresso on there I got a double espresso, and then you want to sleep. You know me dog. I'm a second doing a ball and close my eyes

I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm in one time. I was shooting a shitty movie and I'd stayed up snorting the whole night And I went to the fucking thing and I drank two red bulls and we're right to sleep I'll never forget that people like man. We've never seen that before listen. Let me tell you a little secret I've been snorting well for 24 years to Red Bulls I'm down to put sucking orange peels when you get coked up in the old days at a Colombian friend Who would say to take the orange cut it and suck on the orange peel like half time at a soccer game? Yeah, I suck the orange peel and whatever vitamin is in the peel will neutralize the Acid in the cocaine I didn't want to twice who the fuck knows even when you laid on your heart to beat the death

Steve Simone and myself will be at the Borgata July 29th. Are you kidding me or what? We're trying to pick up a gig in Delaware on the 28th just so we can swing by and get cookies in the cheesesteak Listen, we're going to the Delaware. Let's stop. No, we can't Joey. It's only three hours. Listen. I stopped for fucking it's right there We'll go to terminus. We'll get the cookies. We'll swing by John's to get a sandwich What's going on in your world Tarzan? You're making pizzas now making homemade pizzas I had some one of the families from Children's Hospital over yesterday. So it was a great day You're becoming like an old Italian. That's exactly it

I was listening at Dean Martin and making pizza on a Sunday. You're gonna go money and buy a house I'll go over your house. You'll have the fucking boots on You'll be out there with the holes with tomatoes in the back. That's all we want out of life How crazy is that that you would become a little Italian man? Like every neighborhood has that Italian man. Yep Man, that's crazy. They're cleaning the driveway with the hose You're shrinking an inch and a half Every year, Mr. Luna you were bigger last year

No, kid. You're getting tall years up. No, I'm Mr. Luna. No, no, no, no, no, you're shrinking Is Mr. Luna a real guy? No I'm just thinking about all the Italian when I was a kid before the new moon Chinese restaurant moved To 29th Street in Bergen Lane Avenue across from my mom's bar There was a very old Italian Delicatessen the other word There's another word for it. Not but your shot. No, it's an Italian and they call it something and then my earliest memories Was I would torment my mom till she walked me across the street

When you walked on the right-hand side, they had to counter with the cold cuts in the cheese Oh, yeah, it smelled really bad. Yeah, but the vegetables were all there and baskets on both sides and the little candies and stuff But in the back, they had the boxes a little candy. Yeah That you just shove your hand the greatest thing is the one guy looked like Clemenza The one brother was built just like Clemenza round head. I could still see him now. It was three four years old, bro Yeah, I could still see these guys and his brother was an Italian who looked like you and they both worked together Now every time I go in my mother would make sandwiches. I'm a big more the dollar guy I love it because of that place. I

Sturn remember them handing me the more the dollar and they so give you the sample They give you the all the greatest and I used to my mom would get Cuban crackers And you put multi multi multi dollar on Cuban crackers with that cheese that comes in the red container Gouda. Oh, yeah, not to smoke Gouda, but the regular Gouda you put down a Cuban cracker Are you fucking kidding me? It doesn't get better and after my mom died I didn't really eat that Cuban food anymore and then one night I went to Union City in 85 the night before I left New Jersey to go to Colorado. I never forget. I went down there and my friend's uncle ran the bar And he asked me if I was hungry like oh, yeah, and he gave me more to dull on crackers. They were he was Irish

Wow, you know, and I was like god damn a little bit of a sign though. Yeah, I was a sign I still my wife gets more to down I get pissed the fuck off She'll get more to dollar once a month. I'll be in the refrigerator and I'll see it and try to avoid it But I have a few fucking toks of the reefer Listen at this point I'll eat like three pieces more to dollar with three saltine crackers delicious Mm-hmm, just regular fucking rich crap. No, no, no, no rich rich sucks with more to dollar simple simple simple is the best for everything But that's what I remember about those Italian guys. They were short like I still remember I don't remember the name of the deli and that all up the corner was Ponte Corvo's

They've been gosh, I'm Namia. Okay. I don't know how to pronounce. I'm sorry something. That's what it's saying. Yeah Astronomy or something. Yeah, they had a different name for it was like It's something because they sell something it makes them it's not liquor but when I would go to Christy Lorenzo's house in the summers he lived in Close to Marlboro, I would exit 17 off the parkway there and when you come up to a busy street 34 35 There was one of those places a trattoria

One of those places and they hung cheeses in there. It was to me. It's a fucking deli But they got the the pepper stuff with more to delchies. Oh, yeah prosciutto shooters prosciutto shooters. Yeah shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you guys ever live in the Italian like Italian section? I've lived in The Italian I lived there for two years and it's still I still miss I would I would move back there north and oh my god it was It's just it was just so much so much nicer so much and I get the the the benefit of having a house and wanting to not have neighbors Yep, but for me if like if just thinking about you I can see you thriving and like just any Italian neighborhood

I just feel like you'd be like own the neighborhood be like high-fiving people of all the old people that sit down You have a coffee with them. They tell you a story. I love that I love the food like north end. I stopped I remember getting a coffee there and some guy lived in the neighborhood for like 50 years He was 80 years old. He was fantastic. Just he opened the vault started telling stories. Oh, yeah, every restaurant was great I love neighborhoods like that. You know, I was telling my wife the other day. I would love to find Like my brother Joe Koch, I was friends with this dude in Boulder He was a baker on Monday nights and when I first got into comedy I would perform on Tuesdays So Monday nights he was a bit he was a cook chef during the week but Monday nights

He was in charge of all the desserts. He would cover for somebody. Okay, so I'd go there about 11 meet him and all his mistakes I I'd taste everything. Oh, that's great, but I would sit there all night writing jokes And one day he came to me because you know what man, I'm gonna move back to fucking Mississippi and he went down they opened up a bagel shop They never saw a bagel shop a bagel Mississippi. Yeah, they do all right with her. I just they didn't know it's a fucking world End of the bind 17 houses The bagel shop grew he just recently sold it Wow because it was enough He did 20 years far for one in the morning making bagels training people in the college town. That's great

I think it's Mississippi State. I think I'm not sure I don't call me on that But that's the thing to bring a cute culinary to a place Where nobody has it, you know exactly what you want. Listen. I want four tables With four people the most I want my restaurant is 16 people Yeah, and I'm gonna put a table on the back just in case of we comes to town So you can sit next to the cooks and sample the food and that's it. Yeah, and it's very simple You're not looking to be and once you know what you really want it makes life so much simpler I'm walking into these businesses lately, and I'm no mathematician, but I gotta sit there and go how much money there's a cost

To keep this restaurant alive overhead costs the overhead cost and half these places a square footage and half these cities, you know I was in New York last week, you know, and I walked back from Jimmie Norton and whatever show I want to thank them for Put me on this show Sam Roberts show And I always take a little walk And I look at these places and I go how many fucking grilled cheese sandwiches you have to sell Do you have to sell the fucking, you know, I went to a deli that I always go to when I do Jim Norton I love it. 50-yard walk down the corner

Ham tail egg with some roasted peppers on a Kaiser roll with an orange Gina Are you fucking kidding me with the emphasis on orange Gina you follow me if you whip me You know and then on the way out you stop in there again, and you get an egg salad sandwich or a fucking turkey chicken salad sandwich I made chicken salad last week. So good on a Kaiser roll and you get in the cab and it drives you over to the fucking ferry I'm on the way there. You blast the fucking chick. Oh, don't I pay the nine bucks. I go over the fucking ferry, but I'm sitting there going You know, I have a dream for a restaurant, but before I could open up my dream every month I'm 30 G's in the hole because of my location And it's got to be for 30 G's. I gotta have parking. Yep

They got to have a lot of things on top of them. I have to have payroll. So I'm minus 37,000 and that's I don't even know I'm just throwing numbers up there I know I know that it's expensive to rent such as Friends that have jiu-jitsu schools and they tell me what the number is and I fucking shit my pants. It's crazy That's all that's always something that blows my mind I'm like whenever I drive by like a copy store or Like a bit like a bagels a little bit. You can have good and bad bagels, but businesses that don't really have Any like room for being a better business?

I don't like it blows my mind that people actually go and start like it seems like there's too much competition And like it if you had if you have something you're talented at go for but it just just to open up another Liquor stores like jeez. Okay, if you go down to hunger right here And before you hit Magnolia, there's a little coffee shop two doors down from the church If they're lucky They sell 10 coffees a fucking day How many people how many people could actually walk and get coffee? You know what they hustle? I've been watching that because that's my that's my stupidity in life when somebody opens like okay a

Couple months ago a wing and curry place open Fucking burp on whatever I was excited because they had a sign that said wings coming soon Okay, I got this Lee and I don't have a place to go sit and chit-chat, you know It's around the corner from the office. Yeah, but then the sign came up and it was like wings, but curry I call the lead right away. I'll never walk in there. How do you come on horrible foot traffic? It's a horrible combination. This is what I look at as an e-com major I know it sounds stupid to a lot of people I like to see the rise and the rise of a business and then if it falls

I want to know why and you put together that it was a bad location Let's just there's just a stupid personal hobby of mine. Some people think about the world being flat others think about whatever This is what I think about. Yeah You look at that coffee shop And he got information about it's been there for two years. I've been walking with Mercy. She's four I stopped in there many a time and got a coffee with my wife. Mm-hmm coffee was good They're Spanish. They're very decent people. They had a child. He's in there mom and pop mom and pop So that's but if you notice they're building a hotel right next to it. Is that a hotel? That's a hotel

So that was it was looking good. It slowed down a little bit But right now they're putting all this North Hollywood drive around that's it all the rent around there All right, the rent is going through the roof. This is the hottest neighbor in LA But let's pretend Lee had a good thing. He sees a coffee shop. He sees that is small And he sees that there's no growth potential in the business Okay, when you open up any type of food industry, you're already in like a 30% range of failure And I think that's speaking moderately. I'm no restaurant type of guy I think that sometimes

People go somewhere and he says I have a meal in India And I think I'm gonna bring the chef over and open up to say, you know, are they just and with restaurants It's like a Glamour thing like the critics have to like it and it's got to become a hot spot like eat You know, we go for breakfast from time to time my wife. We go to either Denny's or eat. Mm-hmm. We always mix it up so You look at these places and I don't know whatever to grow. Well, maybe I want to be the best product I want to be and give people I know how big I want to be this guy had a vision when he opened up the business

You know, he didn't want to expand. He's probably worked as an engineer for 20 years. Right. All right He saw the corporate side of life. He put away some money and one day he said guess what I'm gonna do. I Live on 222 Smith Avenue I'm a fucking up and up a coffee shop on 52 Smith Avenue Yeah, I don't give a fuck what anybody says get why I tell you why because I'm gonna be in there all day It gives me a chance to do something with my life I still get a pension And I get away from my wife for eight fucking hours and I get to create whatever the fuck I want coffee

And if people come in they come in if not, I don't really lose money I need to sell two coffees a day and I break even yeah, but at least I'm doing something with my life You follow me leave some people know exactly what they want You know, well some people just open up a fucking place, you know, nobody would dream of It's amazing the places that you see open up and you go that's not gonna work and you try to be positive You already know by the name or the gimmick. Yep. It sounded like a good idea But it's tough to sell cupcakes. That's a lot of cupcakes to pay right to cover that Yeah, and there's certain locations that are just the kiss of death no matter what they put in there

Just doesn't work. That the parking the parking you know And you know ass with the red light and you never know to your in it. Yeah, it's true Like you never know to your end the fucking game But didn't you guys have in the town where when I grew up there was a one spot that was a new restaurant every eight months Yep every eight months It was like I'm surprised like the real estate agents must just be lying to people I just don't know like it's weird how that happens. It's like a pregnant woman Like a woman that's gonna get married. She sees what she wants to see. Yeah

It's like when you shoot a movie and why you're shooting a movie you think this is an Oscar winner And after you watch it and the smoke settles and the ether goes away. You're like, ooh What was I thinking you know how many times that people come up to you then we have somebody come in here once and say I got a new show. I've been in their business for 20 years and this is the best new show leave You remember he goes there's the best new show that I've worked on and three weeks later the show was canceled Was he lying to us? No, he believed it at that time. He believed the ether while he was there the shooting Sometimes people believe their own ether. Yeah, they want it so bad that they don't see the reality They don't see the real like I knew two guys that opened up

It was honestly the best pizza I've ever had in Los Angeles, but their location was garbage They were zero parking zero parking it didn't last it couldn't last listen the best pizza in Hollywood is that vetoes? Yeah, I agree LeBrayer, you know what the chances you get parking there zero to zero No, I Love to take you Lee and go to vetoes and get a slice and but you're not gonna get parking You gotta go to 11 o'clock. Mm-hmm. What about up here skinny kitchen? They just they literally just expanded and within six months They close the pin. I'm pretty sure the West Hollywood one is closed. I

It's it's crazy, you know, but skinny kitchen sounds great on paper Yeah, we came in here and said it was healthy option until he told me what they had And that's the poor that's the fucking problem. You know, there's a place called lemonade. Yes Yes, my wife hates it. My wife thinks it's total garbage. I don't know. I've never been I love lemonade I see lemonade all kinds of salads and stuff like right Becky loves it. Everybody has different opinions. You know I'm saying you look at those places and You say to yourself how to How the fuck did I just pay $15 for a salad? That's everything in the city

You don't know till you get home that night and go away. There's like I paid $15 for a bowl of lettuce and two pieces of chicken, you know, how many Salads you could get how big is a bag at home? There you guys the lettuce ten of them how much are those bags probably two bucks four bucks and Two chicken colors, but you're paying these people 15 bucks, but you also have to imagine that Half of that is going to that fucking rent. Yeah, that's what it is after that. I don't even see the profit margin There was a great documentary called deli man about the rise of all the great Jewish delis over the last hundred and fifty years And how they're all going out of business because the the cost of goods are everything's too expensive

Your margins are so so small that you could have a thousand customers in a day and still not make I could go to where my wife is from The town over is Bradford, Tennessee. There's a mall where there's a Chinese buffet. There's a Walmart But guess what in that strip mall? There's four places that are wide open, right? I could go in and tell the guy listen couple of these in half There's one but do I'm gonna have a coffee shop in a latte's Chocolate white mocha the shit that the coffee bean sells the black forest. Yeah, maybe but keep it simple What I'm really pushing is the regular coffee. Yep to a little bit of cream and two scoops of sugar get the fuck out of here I'm not gonna sit here with syrups and all this

But I'm also gonna have danishes for them And I'm also gonna have an egg sandwich from which the profit margin Through the roof a leg is what 25 cents a fucking bun is what 10 and what's a slice of cheese and What's a fucking you know, that's it and a piece of Taylor ham. Yep And you could do it for 95 and throwing a cup of coffee. I could sell 200 of those in the daytime That's my specialty in life. Yeah 495 and the one egg sandwich made by uncle Joey on the grill right here Fresh New Jersey style with the aluminum foil and I cut it with the aluminum foil like a fucking doctor. That'd be great

That's the way you do it. And but to have that I would have to have sufficient coverage in the bank and Time and I would give myself time because the things I've gotten involved in my life. I would give myself time I knew they would take time. I'd have to join the social media thing. Yeah marketing That's been a lot of money advertising well It's just being visible. Yeah being visible and convincing people coming for a cup of coffee and not charging 450, right? I'm not pushing for dollar coffee here. I'm keeping it simple

I believe you would be great in any of those business personality Yeah, that person so people would come in just to hang out with you get a cup of coffee. Yeah, talk shit But I love you would be so good at the last 10 years of my life. I would love to do something like that. I think it would be For a guy like me. I love it. You know, I'd love to open up a Cuban restaurant. There'd be one thing a day Yeah, I would be open for breakfast for ham and eggs or Cuban whatever breakfast and make up a Cuban bowl or whatever I'd have like a Steak white rice

A non-steak and two eggs fried on top of it and you cut it like that let the yoke go all over the steak and the white rice That's Cuban stuff. Well, I eat it delicious not in a million years and I'll throw you three fried bananas You know, I'll throw you a Cuban egg sandwich for breakfast and that's breakfast and then for lunch Make one specialty today. I don't come for you will eat you on Friday make some type of fish You know beef tongue on Thursday and it changes every day when it's done. It's done When it's done, it's done. You're not gonna come in here and go. Well, do you have it without the peppers? I'm listening This is how it owns One of the best pizza places in Philly. They only make so many doughs every day

You got a call in advance to reserve your dough and when they're done, they're done. That's it. Goodbye. We're done We're close. We don't have time to play games with you because you don't have nothing to lose You're not looking to be Johnny bananas. You're at the side of a road in Tennessee somewhere And you got to get read next to coming and go man This is the best thing sandwich. I've ever had in my life Yeah, there's also They tell you they're World War two vietnam. They had they hate Japanese people. You're fucking nod your head You know, you don't agree, but you're not your head. You don't say you don't say ain't Japanese people, but you know, yeah, you're right

And they come in every day for a cup of coffee. Give you any a beaten And then they go home and then they start gathering in next thing They got 20-year-old guys gathering talking shit fast drinking coffee. Oh guys go out for breakfast Bars for old, but they're always looking 15% off the old They catch you with that sunrise breakfast. Yeah There's a place of block away from golds in Venice They would do 50% off omelettes from like 5 30 in the morning to 6 30 all the old guys Would be in there 545. I was gonna say were they there 525 with their with their

Knocked on the window papers under their arms Ready to go and in like suits. It's so good It's tremendous and that that's what I would do and you know how great your podcast would be just interviewing those old timers That would be the best podcast. You just be done done. I do a little stand-up on Wednesdays for lunch Three people I'll work the grill for you. Hi. I'll go employees. I'm a one-man show My tax trip club in fucking Portland. I went to Oregon years ago with Josh. Well the check did everything She was the DJ the hostess. She took your money at the door. She was the doorman. She was the bouncer

She there was a one-man operation. She's playing the drums with her. It was fucking historical. Yeah, that's it That's really it you fry how long does it take? It's the most personal thing in the world You throwing your eggs you talk a little bit. You're fly. Do you want your eggs? I mean, I want them sunny side up. Don't give me a bun today Joey. Yeah, just give me 10% off you get dick You know cream cheese and jelly on a roll and you we Reintroduce coach, you know you reintroduce a menu to people as we say all the time you impose your will Lee This is when you impose your will you say I have the best this this is Lee said it best we were talking about the 800 pound man that I watched the hour and a half

Supersize special on Friday night. It was one of the most interesting things I ever watched I mean that show is so fucking sad. Oh every time I watch my 600 pound life I watch it and I do push-ups. I do fucking as you're watching commercials I mean you just feel bad, but the guy was eating eight pizzas a day and he weighed 740 and his brother weighed six. Oh 600 pounds and the brother had the shit on his legs and the brother was born with a crooked leg This guy had the things on his leg or what now? I don't even know what the point of this fucking story is I'm telling you about the Fucking food he was eating. He was eating eight pizzas a day What the fuck was I gonna tell you you're talking about posing your will this is the best now we're talking about I don't know

You're a median doctor. I have no fucking idea. This is why I'm lucky. I have you tonight cuz I don't you don't get high Thank you never got here. I got well definitely one time Ari and Ren is easy hotboxed me when I was driving to get Chinese food I almost killed us. I know it's just laughing There's a Chinese food place that stays open late in Rosita. It's not bad. It's not good The vibe is tremendous, but they hotboxed me there and then once when we were in Denver Ari gave me a joint and I took one hit and I fell asleep for the two hours I was out to the world I forgot what I was gonna fucking tell you about the fucking thing you know the pound man

But anyway, who gives a fuck you just said something that I wanted to talk about imposing your will I Was there going back to a kid? I never really asked I'm not really good at being and asking for what I want Is that something that you guys have gotten better at and asking and like it like I know you guys are Improving in your career is asking for roles. I don't know is that You want me to help you want me to tell you what? Creates that mental thing of imposing your will once you've known you've done the work

hmm Once you've known You've done the work That's when you get so confident at what you do and you're so assertive on it Listen Lee. I have the same problems that you have. I Deal with the same things you have. I don't like asking for money. I Don't like asking for money. Yeah, and you always think that you know what? I'll give this person a break, but I'll make it up here, you know, right always these little mental blocks in your head and

then You realize that these people taking advantage of you they're taking advantage of you It's not even fair anymore. You know I'm saying I had a situation last week where we asked for more money for a certain thing This is after they asked us to help them with their slogan Or some shit and we said yeah, we'll help you but you have to pay us and then I Asked them for rent and the guys like no and I'm thinking to myself so wait a second when you were paying those peanuts and we were Doing great. You never rate. You never called us and said this is what here's the extra money You're right now that we're asking you you don't want to do it. Guess what now?

I don't want to do business with you improved who you were and it proved impose my will I did my work. I get up early every week. I look for music. I Have to talk to guests, you know, I have to get here There's a lot of work that goes. Absolutely. There's a lot of work that goes into everything, you know I bust these balls. I love I bust these balls because I was Lee at 28 also and I know the mistakes you make and The stupid moves that we do. Yeah, I did such a stupid move. I ended in prison at 25

So I goof on Lee not to goof on Lee because I get off on goofing Lee. I Goof on Lee so Lee sees the shortcut But you know what nobody ever sees the shortcut. You gotta learn the hard way They would break my heart to see Lee get hurt in any way. I can see this kid like a son You know, I love to stab him My colleague Billy bats But on the other hand, I never want anything bad to happen to another situation You know, you

We're fucking horrible with 20, you know, man, you're an idiot. We have the world by the balls and all this stuff And something dawned on me this weekend Saturday night It's so weird that this type of shit really irritates the fuck out of me Because I don't understand if people understand. Okay, I Watched something and he said this is what turns players into kings and it dawned on me for a long time What the expression made? for years, I Told it around Hollywood

For years, I told it around Hollywood like everybody else tiptoes around Hollywood. Mm-hmm. I didn't want to piss nobody off I didn't really want to ask for more money. I didn't want to do this And then one day you snapped something really happens in your brain and You cover all your bases and you work harder, but it's called sacrifice. Hmm You know, I don't think people especially people like Lee know what sacrifices Sacrifice is a big word to get to the next level. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you you have a mom Susan look. Yeah, it's your mom alive. Yes. Thank God. It's your dad alive. Thank God You have your brothers your siblings. Yeah, where do they live?

3,000 miles away that's sacrifice. Absolutely. You don't need this You don't need on the Monday night to be sitting between a Jew and a Cuban Getting tormented and fucking North Hollywood, California to go to the county store to pick up a check for $15. Absolutely Your parents married your grandparents migrated here to this country for you to be a better thing. Yeah, your brother became a dentist I'm not putting you down. No, you're right. I'm saying these but you sacrifice Absolutely, you slept with fat fucking James and his apartment smelling as fat fucking feet in his ass Four and a half years, which were worse than those Jews on the plane. I didn't have a car I took the bus for six years. I don't have a car sacrifice sacrifices

No, you go home for Christmas. Yeah, and I'm working at the Hollywood gym night night shift It bothers me that nobody understands that, you know, I had a dear friend die Three weeks ago not dear It was a friendship that I loved the daily and alcohol and mental health took to somewhere else That's a very sad thing. I had a blocker on my phone. Yeah, so I'm not gonna sit here and tell you You know, she was my best friend in the world. I had a blocker of my phone I got too many things in my life for you to be calling me 18 times alone on stage right to break my fucking balls And I got a little slack for it from not going to the memorial this week

Okay, but I also remember where these people came from these people moved it to add to Colorado to Los Angeles in a group They went 15 deep by the Houston, Texas But nobody wanted to sacrifice They didn't want to sacrifice the most important things for the most important thing the reason why you're here Yeah, you know before I got on stage Saturday night. There was these great funny guys They're like, hey, man, we brought your reefer. We brought you this where we go until I go I can't fucking go nowhere. I got a 545 flight to New York and they're like, can't you Call your wife and put it off the one I guess I told my this is nothing to do with my wife

I'll give a fuck about my wife This has to do with me Because I got it that means I got a flyer at 12 to get home at 6. I'm not gonna have my kid plus I got an audition Monday morning, right? You know, oh, no I'm just gonna steam it and get off the plane and go to CBS Radford and after I stayed out with fucking people smoking dope and talking about nothing, right? Because at the end of the day, that's what you're doing is talking about nothing you and I did this I wasted that time

For fucking 30 years. I'm not gonna sit here and get on a high horse and tell you no no no no I wasted enough fucking time But in this town once I took control of me. Yeah, I always sacrificed. Yeah I made the biggest sacrifice. I looked at a five-year-old little girl one day in a park And I told her I'm really thinking you're going away for a while that I think it would be better She spit in my face my daughter my daughter at 27 years old now when I told her about my dream she's spitting my face on a bicycle and That was the biggest sacrifice I made I made the sacrifice to say I'll give up my daughter

To do something with my life. Okay, and then I came here and while these people were all drinking early Yeah, even though I was a junkie coke fiend I could hold off till 11 30 12 and I remember you doing late-night tuts and being up Call me once because you found something on the breakdowns. You were waking up early Go going over the breakdowns on your own I was an animal and I didn't go to weddings and I didn't go to wakes and I didn't do a lot of things Yeah, and I'm sure I'm sure along the way I disappointed a lot of people Yeah, because I didn't attend their wedding or whatever function they had or because they had a party

You know when this changed, it's because my head changed. Hmm explain that my head changed It snapped You realize but this happened way before mercy. This was happening two years before I met Lee. Okay It happened I always sacrificed. Let's get something wrong. Yeah, you were always paying dues I always sacrificed. I sacrificed holidays Let me tell you something this weekend when I went home and I saw my friends and I saw like Steve Avillo and Alan Pascual and then fucking Carlos and they go see it. I realized something that yes I'm very happy out here, but I'm very lonely out here. Yes. There were different type of breed

This is what home is all about. I agree with you I know exactly what you mean And I can't replace that somebody that knew what you were at Halloween in second grade You remember what your house smelled like on a Sunday. Yeah, you cannot replace that So I see all these guys and when I got on the plan I go, that's what I sacrificed and don't get me wrong I made a lot of mistakes to force myself to leave there in a subtle way I wanted to leave there like I couldn't I was embarrassed. I wouldn't ever became anything there I knew I had the same feeling but the sacrifice I had was to not to lose my friends to not have them in my life

Timmy Holloway those type of people the weddings you missed the weddings the birthdays the parties All that shit. Yeah, so that was the first sacrifice I made then I sacrificed My relationship my daughter. I knew when I got in that car and I left bold I wasn't coming back and deep in my heart. I knew that I would just get in trouble there I would just end up in a bad position there And it was time for me to cleanse myself of all that and if this relationships that I prayed to God I wanted to prove to her that I was worth something the long-term goal bigger than the short-term satisfaction They say the secret to success is delaying gratification, and you know if you stayed there you couldn't be the person you would

So then you wanted to do something with your life to show her how much you really do love her That's what I'm getting from it. You got to do that sometimes. It was it was fucking real like it was just something that You know I sacrifice Josh Wolf dear friend of mine all those years had parties on Saturdays with his family and Scott Wolf and all these other actors and The singers from the counting crows that didn't mean anything to me I was at the comedy store, you know what I think of $50 So I would go down and do Felipe's room and then get to the comedy store for my 1145 on Saturday, and then you know you sacrificed and

I partied I'm not gonna lie to you that but even though I partied I made my auditions I took care of things I You know I I took care of things the best I could yeah after I got off the coke like in 2009 before I married Terry Is where this came this picture became clearer to me that I even had a sacrifice more Like I had a sacrifice more like I went to Weight Watchers I joined karate with the brothers in 2007 I was going that I was I was Four I was 380 when I walked in there I remember doing horse stances and my knees would fuck it burned

They would make you do these dragon stances where you drag one foot and nail on this one I don't have to go home put two bags of fucking ice on my knees But I knew that these were a little sacrifices. I had a get Make to get to where I wanted to be it was the weirdest fucking thing Well that was that just like an intuition that you had I was kind of I went back to my karate days I Went back to how successful I was when I attended karate From the ages of six to the ages of 15 Wow, you did it your whole childhood

Yeah, when I dropped out of karate was when I got left back in the seventh grade mind body soul that reconfirmed everything So I knew for me to get back to my mental state. I had to pick a martial art I looked for a Kempo school. I couldn't find one. So the best kept secret in Hollywood was this guy this Style of Kung Fu mixed with Kempo the Hawaiian Kempo. They just made me get loose Hmm. I just went to get my day started and I said I and I said to myself for me to do this and be successful Nothing could take the place of this unless I'm picking up an envelope. Yes Build your family so I went back to the War of art and the art of war whatever that book is I went back to

If I'm not doing something good for me, I'm in the house writing and there's no resistance The only way I could get out of Kung Fu is if I'm making money or it's something to make money Not to meet somebody about a script Everything I must have wasted so much everything gets pushed back. Everything gets pushed back for this Nothing is as important as that and I started with that if I could do it just on Mondays Then I would go Mondays and Tuesdays and I wasn't on the road then So I would go three days a week by Friday my knees would be swollen Then I popped a one knee and I got knee surgery and I went away, you know

But you sacrifice so many little things along the way. There was a lot of times. Yes I wanted to go meet fave men and this guy and go get sandwiches and you don't do that anymore because that time is for writing now Yeah, and you know that time is dictated to writing. That's what that time is about, you know tonight after dinner For about 35 minutes. I always go in and I look over the book That's great, and I write two sentences and even though I want to sit there with my wife and watch world news tonight There's nothing on world news tonight. That's gonna change my life anymore the first 15 minutes about Russia or some stupid that's not gonna do anything at all to me, but it's amazing that people think They're really gonna get ahead in this life

without Making sacrifices. It drives me crazy. Yeah, it drives me crazy how you have to you know, what yes Paper wife is Monday through Friday. Well, that's a great thought. That's a great fucking thought That's a great thought, but when you're 44 you're gonna find yourself $30,000 in credit card debt and a fixed fucking income if you go 10 if you get a flat tire You're done for the fucking month Because you leave your credit cards just enough room for emergencies and all that shit And how do you know because it happened to me? Yeah when these nine to five motherfuckers, especially from the ages of 20

To 35 unless you're making a lot of fucking loot. There's no nine to five in my world I don't understand that shit, you know, and again, that's what I had to learn the hard way All right, you know I'm saying those are the things that we think society You know when your first training and your job remember you work Saturdays and it sucks when you're a kid. Yeah, it sucks Working saddly as when you're a kid Especially like going out on Friday night and drinking some block and tonics and waking up hungover. I'm gonna late to your house It sucks waking up when you're in the fucking a junior in high school to go south paint Working fucking construction site or something. Yeah, it sucks

But then you for a while you're young and you're a football fan. You're like, well, I'll never work on Sundays Well, think again, bitch That shit's gonna sail pretty fucking soon, you know, especially in high school like those jobs you can get in high school I worked at a CVS. I worked at a movie theater. You have to be there early. What about I can't imagine Start like you're working at a coffee place. We have to be there by like what three in the morning They open up this one here for 30 to drive through opens Wow So what what time do you think people get there open it 45? Oh my turn all the buttons on Yeah, but you figure you're out of there by 10 if you're a student

That's a sacrifice if you're but if you're a student Like you should be busy all the time Yeah, like if you're a student a real student and you're putting yourself through or you have a couple of loans and your parents are Helping you you got to have a job. I would work at Starbucks before the fucking and what do you sacrifice your stupid nightlife? It's amazing how you get the one puzzle piece and it makes other ones fall in line Right in fucking fall falls in line because now you can't make as many dumb decisions because now you have the responsibility of being Up early all those things start to change your life You get karate down and then your body starts getting stronger and then your mind gets stronger

That every it all works together and it's amazing and it's so weird because you'll say to yourself Well, I really can't do that because this is what I do on those days. And also you're like, you know what? Doing what I was doing didn't bring me anything. Yeah Until you really started sacrificing and listen a couple weeks ago. I missed a wedding of like a sister of mine But you know what man? I Had to think about my time had to think about My age I had to think about what was going on that Monday I had to meet them Sunday and discuss the pitch the pitch was at 9 30 in the morning

I had to leave the fucking the quarter to six. I mean there was so many things involved. I Sacrificed the wedding, you know, I mean It was always things like that with me that I would force myself not to do something. I would really enjoy Yeah, you know, you said something earlier in it like it didn't hurt my feelings We said like people like Lee, I don't think understand what it is to sacrifice and for a second. I was like Right and I understand that you're age group, but like but I started thinking about her like there is a point I think every Six months a year where you're like I am sacrificing but

Not sacrificing enough. So I will like you can take different things out like the Venge watching orges the new black nine episodes in a day that you can't do that anymore Nobody ever said that That's not a sacrifice. That's a leisure and for you to entertain you have to entertain It's when you do that six days a fucking week, right? Okay? Okay, it's when you do that six days a week for me to sit on Sundays and watch 60 minutes and What's the show with Pete Holmes? Crashing okay, I watch crashing. I watch the show. You know why I watch television on Sunday nights

I earned it. I did two podcasts. I traveled halfway across the country. I did five shows I talked to 200 people per show I took my pictures and I sacrificed three days without my family. Yeah when I get off that plane I do the same thing every time I go to the room. I set up my sleep apnea machine I throw my dirty laundry in the fucking hamper for my wife. So she doesn't have to see it I put my suitcase away. I jump in the fucking shower. I go I set the notebook up for the week I know exactly what my schedule is gonna be for the week I answer a few emails and any unnecessary things I got to do

I write out my thing and I'm gonna sit in that fucking office the rest of the goddamn need that I earned that I Earned that on Sunday and even then I won't let myself do stupid things I'll sit in the backyard with mercy and I'll kick the fucking soccer ball and I'll watch fucking When then I'll take an app from two to four and then when I wake up before I'll watch an episode of Sons and you have to do that Well, I'll watch the New England Patriot game a quarter. I'll call you and tell you yeah I thought I can't sit there if I didn't fucking earn it And only you know when you earned it. I did two podcasts. I wrote fucking jokes. I Went to jiu-jitsu twice. Yeah, I did a drill class. I

Drove Mercy to school Monday Tuesday Wednesday. I picked her up Monday Tuesday Wednesday I ate 2,000 milligrams on Monday. I ate 2,000 milligrams on Thursday You know, I worked out in the hotel Friday and Saturday and crowded I left the hotel room and went to the coffee shop and forced myself to write for an hour and a half on both fucking days Sunday I foot when I get off that plane It's the same every fucking Sunday if you call me on Sunday with a story about this or this you're in no danger of me Going I cannot go to your fucking function or I'm not gonna do a set because I did everything on that fucking checklist That's the only way when I watch TV. There's a footstool. It's to the side

For me to get up my feet on that footstool. I gotta work for it. That's great. I gotta work for it And that's it and I don't think I've read it. I've heard about it how the younger generation doesn't understand the sacrifice you know, I Just read this the other day something about the boy. They were picking on Millennials, which everybody fucking picks on It's no fair, you know saying but nobody picks on fucking Millennials, but Millennials are young, right? So you don't call them Millennials. Just say kids. They're fucking 25 year old and I always asked myself Joey What the fuck were you doing at 25? I wasn't doing what we was doing. I Was selling cars and making seven grand a month, but I was also snorting a ball of coke and I could that a monkey on my back

Hmm, I couldn't control how uncontrollable it was I put a machine gun to somebody and thought I was gonna get away with Kidnapping them and taking a kilo of coke. That's how delusional that was so I understand the 20s. Don't call them Millennials Don't do that to these fucking idiots when everybody's 25. They're fucking idiots. Yeah, we're fucking idiots Yeah, we accept that shit. Yeah, I've said a thousand times at 30s and a clean up the mess you made in your 20s Yeah, playing the fucking simple. So no Lee. I wasn't like and well, I was not insulting you at all I was comparing it to your age Oh, no, I mean even if you even if you work to me because I there are things that I have to do and even even when you do aren't it I

Think there's a certain thing like that you choose to do. I was thinking I was thinking last week I don't really have a hobby and I know Jiu-Jitsu isn't a hobby. It's a sport But we had things as kids that we did and even though I'm not athletic Even if I I still have to work out, but I should I was I've been thinking about looking for something outside of What I do just to get my mind off. I think that'll be a good thing for I don't know why adults stop doing that Don't stop doing what having some sort of hobby and I have to write it in but adults do have hobbies We just don't hang out or associate with people with hobbies There's guys on every Saturday got on their motorcycles

Yeah, and they meet for coffee and they take a ride around the park And I can't tell you how very important it is and I learned how important it is the last three years I Learned how important it is the last three years You get delusional It's bad to be around the people you work, you know, think about if you're a coal miner in Pennsylvania I have nothing against coal miners and have nothing against Pennsylvania But you're around the same people for the rest of your fucking life when you're off work How many bars are there in those towns for right? You're either at one of them. You're talking about your boss

Yeah, you don't grow shitty mistakes that the foreman make right you talk about how you should be a foreman You know I'm saying yeah, it's constant But it's also a small town mentality. They call it. I don't call it that that's what they call the small town mentality When you're here From 1997 To 2004 I didn't want to talk to you if you didn't do what I did. I had no use for you Mm-hmm as a human being I was trying to learn everything I could As much as I could about this business and get as far as I could I got so involved in it that I gained

Over a hundred pounds and didn't even see it people get obsessed You get obsessed I got obsessed with the breakdowns. Yeah, I got obsessed on why I wasn't getting the things everybody else is getting I wasn't angry at no one. It's a big difference. I was angry till 2001 and then after that I became Angry that I didn't think I was getting the things I deserved, but who the fuck was I didn't even deserve anything You know I balanced it out But I got so into what I did which was 30 to 40 spots a month 30 to 40 spots a month you figure five a week at the store Whatever Rogan took me for and all the Philippe and the fly and the Jeff Garcia. It's incredible. We'll leave our Senate rooms

What do you think an average comedian does here? Real spots Listen if they're doing two spots a night six nights a week Figure that who's doing that though build the crystallia. Yeah, the girl the blonde Eliza Eliza Just to have that opportunity though You got to be like on the top of the pile. Yeah, but no, really Tommy used to could do 30 spots a week if you wanted to Open mics. Yep. Yeah, you know, you watch that show crashing people talk shit about the show crashing one thing it reminds me it reminds me of

94 1993 it was a cold reality for me what Pete's going through right now You know, you got a barking on the side for me was you had to sell tickets at half price on the street Doesn't change the household didn't change just became something else. Yeah, so I would go to the comic strip I would go to New York comedy club and they give you a bunch of tickets and you have to sell them You know what I did I kept all the money and never went back, you know, you know, mate dog I'm a fucking piece of shit and I would I would I would keep a hundred dollars and I didn't give a fuck about the comic I don't need you people. I'll do my work around you people. I'll come back and after I get an HBO special I never happen

But you know, it's it's never really changed So it's been reminding me and they kind of got it. They really do have it Pete's doing a great job I'll have to check it out. I think that they they have it, you know, the feeling the frustration Pete got divorced his wife cheated on him because he's broke and he's kind of who bots Yeah, same thing like me and then you have no money and you're crashing on people's couches Yeah, you know, he's just crashing on people's couches and on the way you meet different people I met Doug Stanhope. I met that guy Lee camp from New York that teaches stand-up comedy you meet different people along the path and and

If they're real stand-ups, they show you love. Yeah, you can stay on my couch, you know Yeah, you can you borrow my car. Yeah. Well, that first came to LA Doug Stanhope had a car You could just go over there and get in it. That's great But then either was broken so you always never knew how much gas was in there. No, sometimes it didn't even make the gas station Sometimes didn't even make the gas station with Tony Bennett cocksucker Yes, yes, you see I'm talking I Want to be around

To pick up the pieces when Somebody breaks your heart. What's up dog? Some good man Twice as smart Wait for another bong hit. No. Yeah, we have to do one ball. I almost died. That's the good thing Thank you. That's the good thing Or somebody this is great we first

That's for you It's green it's tiny I know My issue isn't that it's too big. No, it's it's the weed you like I feel I made it small fee Okay Nobody gets their feelings right this is for the fucking space right who's that you didn't do a bong hit I did I did to do bong hit not an April Fools day. It was Saturday. You're up late. Canahoon. Where the fuck you went? He stayed an hour away from the hotel down there okay, okay to save for team before take the bong hit Here we go. Here we go

First of all the hotels up there look nice, but a little bit older It was a little bit expensive. So we stayed an hour away So we wouldn't have to be stuck with just maybe the hotel food options So but anyways, listen, it was amazing. Listen, you need to scare the Syrian the refugees had you understand me You called me to ask but I was actually Chinese buffet So all of a sudden I you care about food up to up the fucking It was next to a gas station so I couldn't do it, but why can you stay next to a gas station? I just not for Chinese buffet and it didn't and I yelped it didn't have good reviews

Oh, really you yelped it finally lied to you. I tried rattlesnake though. Did you try rattlesnake? It was delicious It was it was good, but it was it was it was uh, I tried like one bite We would they like the restaurant even only puts it out in two ounces because they're like, they know you're not gonna Actually, you're like one bite and did your wife like it. What does it taste like? It was spicy, but I couldn't tell if there were scales still on it Granted granted. I had a couple stars in me because we were up with the Grand Canyon I do the bonkers. Are you killing me? You're killing me. What am I doing fucking the rattlesnake and never ends and never ends

and never ends When you do this lawfully other place the Grand Canyon, okay? Oh, yeah, I do the bonkers. Okay. What are you gonna retake me for? This look at this come here. Come here. Come here cuz I'm gonna strangle you come in come in. He's not gonna do it Come in Bend over come in Cook this cook that motherfucker cook that motherfuckers cook that motherfucker. There you go like a soldier There you go for this that day there you go, that's beautiful that reefer That's the shit that kills Steve so bolder, you know Steve so boat is

My buddy Steve Simone Steve Simone give me the fucking way. I'm gonna get some good reefer right there and shit No, but that's what really kills me that I Don't understand if people really know before what they get themselves into I Can't really don't get it. How many people show up and then don't want to do the work like you come all the way here You say you want to do comedy, you know how many people I've invited down to the comedy store open a mic on a Monday explained everything to them And they never come back They come back six months later. Yeah, I'm thinking about getting back into it Do you know how many people that went see I got here in 97 with you

from 96 to Oh by 2002 people the networks would give you a thing that's called developmental deal Okay, a developmental deal meant you were hot and that was called you and said we'd like to speak to see Steve Simone Steve Simone would show up. He would pitch him an idea They'd say they love it. They come that Thursday and want you to stand up and next you know You'd ink a deal for a TV series based on your stand up. It was a year deal for example First you got to find the show run at Jesus with you Then you got to find the writer at Jesus with you in between whatever project he has and

Then you got to write the pilot and you get your money in levels So let's say it's like a $250,000 deal. You get a hundred down Another fifty thousand when the pilots done then you pick up another fifty thousand when the pilot is shot And you pick up another fifty thousand when the pilot is aired Wow So it all goes in levels people all get different developmental deals people just get a flat fee Then you have a year or two develop your own show. I think that's a tough part about We're living and working here, but not being on the talent side

because like the money that's thrown around and Let you hear even not even for development deals, but just like someone said I paid 20 million dollars I remember in high school. Will Smith was getting $20 million a movie and just to hear that and like what were you talking like that's not even You can't even really fathom that number million dollars Do you know what you have to produce? To be valued at 20 million dollars. I have no idea That's like tom cruise money. That's like

You know, that's when you sell records world-wide. That's where you put asses and seats Like a tom cruise like a Will Smith will Smith world-wide You know that you make that company 500 million dollars On your 20 million dollar investment, right, you know, but that's just you they also have to Do marketing and shoot the film and all the production goes, you know Something like Robert De Niro was a phenomenal actor. Nobody goes to the movies to watch anymore

Unless you like the art of acting So Robert's not getting 20 million dollars. He could probably wipe the fucking floors with Will Smith, but it really doesn't matter You know, David Teller is a phenomenal fucking comedian But if young kids don't like him Right, it's the same thing to see him. He could eat every comic working lunch today You follow me even on this bad night. Yeah, he's amazing, but That's just the way life is. I really don't like that stat like the uh, how much money the movie makes I'd really rather it be how many tickets it's sold because they I honestly think they raise ticket prices

Just to set records Just to be like they can say they've said hit a billion dollars. It's right It's like revenge. I could either hit you in the head and blow up your car The result is the same, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I'm in the revenge business. Shut the fuck up. We It's they don't care how many tickets it's the money. Yeah, what's the general cost now that also includes What a comedian remember Ralphie came on here Ralphie said that he signed with his manager manager pulled him out of all the improvs For a year just kept him out of the improvs

And then he found out through the IRS what the people were making For real and the real books Not what they tell you that they made at the door But what you made selling food and what you made the real gp Yeah So his manager attacked that number You know, there's there's there's some people that don't have the talent you have Steve Simone, but they have a better manager Yeah, he negotiates a better deal

And one day sound like Mickey and Rocky right now. No, I don't manage. Yeah. No, it's the same. It's the truth It's the same fucking difference. You know, it's the same difference He can have a manager for you to jump out in that window in that movie They'll give you $200 for him to jump out the same window and do the same stunt They negotiate $8,000. You're absolutely right. Yeah, they don't fucking know you never fucking know So it's it's it's for you to pay will smith 20 million dollars Is because you got to get 10 times your investment back on will smith after all costs And everything there's no wrong. How many were right off says will smith had the last 10 years

The one movie not with the black kid not when he was a A computer whiz with his kids. Yeah, the happiness one. Yeah, there was just maybe one movie That's great. Do well with you know, but all his movies do well. Yeah, that's it. Remember, they don't do well here They do well internationally. That's where your money is That's where your main paper is just because the you know, how many times have you heard Mickey rork is huge in france Yeah, you know, he's huge in france like who the fuck What was the guy from the guy from Jerry Lewis? No hassle off Germany he was fucking huge. He was worth, you know, it's great. It's not for the american

Audience sometimes it's basically for the fucking international audience Yeah, will smith went dark for a little bit kind of not really but like he what he was really busy And then between like he did like one movie a year or six or seven or eight And then he didn't do anything for four years until 2012 But he's uh, he's always been good. Okay, let me explain something to you. That's called strategy That's called i'm gonna get 20 million dollars a movie I could I could do three movies in one year and two with a mother three could bomb and then I lowered it down to seven million Right, or I could do once a year

Come up with a good script have my agent show up with something good That'll do well here and great internationally. I have to jump off a few buildings I'm gonna have to eat some steroids get a dog Whatever the fucking is That's called the smarts of it, you know Let's talk about will farrell and the other guy He was hotter than how 10 years ago john favreau's friend steve burns Oh, yeah, that's fun. Yeah, there's a time when they put him in every fucking movie. Yeah, and you sat there kept saying

When is this gonna end? What is this gonna end? You know Nobody could tell you what movies to take and what movies you can't take But you and your head should know that the more you throw against the wall Something's gonna stick yeah percent twice People talk bad about adam sandler now it bothers the fuck out of me because they don't know how great of a guy he is but You can't be a hundred percent all the time and you can't release two movies a fucking year And expect for all of them to bring

Win the oscar So sometimes you have to be a little smarter than that same applies to comedy The same applies to advertising on television the same applies to how long people want to see you over and over and over again You get overexposed. I don't do periscope every day. It's not necessary I'm not fucking Brad Pitt. Nobody needs to see my fucking face every fucking day But I know this going in right there's people who get on periscope every day and overstay their welcome It's the same thing with movies If you do three movies a year in today's market where I have so much entertainment so many options

So many options So many options every time I release a movie They can't make a hundred and thirty eight million dollars truth. I'm going up against film tv netflix shroom text Babug text hulu twitter twitter i'm going up against everything I think that's what I think it's mark where the he did what he did with signing with netflix because is it not it's more it's about uh international and like you said and about streams Just to talk about adam sandler for a second. I watched I rewatched happy gilmore last night. So good Fucking hilarious hilarious hand kills me every time and the fucking thing about adam sandler was that I couldn't watch this guy

Until I met him and after I met him was when I watched like mr. Deeds I loved all that. All right. I watched such a big car more Once I watched all that shit I I got to understand who he was and I really appreciated who he was and now Like see the other day somebody wrote people writing shit to him on on twitter. They surprised me nuts Like the other day somebody wrote he got a deal. That's what he did me He he re upped with netflix if I if I if I'm and people insult them and I'm like you have no idea who this guy is What happened was

They went to the well a little bit too much That genre of funny, you know when adam sandler doesn't do his movies He's fucking tremendous adam sandler. Oh, it was a punch drunk love. Yeah punch drunk. He was so good in that Adam sandler could rock with the best of I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. I was there with him I saw what he could do I saw his sense of humor And I also saw the attraction and how he made you laugh And he's so like on the on the movie the first couple years

I couldn't look at adam sandler for 10 seconds. I want to throw that when people go. I like adam sandler I would stop talking to them I would stop talking to him when I met that man and I saw him on the set and I saw him work I was like god damn like that's how free he was so free and I admired him so much for that And listen so what I don't get invited to his christmas party. So no more Snow what he hasn't put me in his last 10 movies I can't hold any of that to him because what he did for me on the longest yard He went above and beyond for me. I'll never ever forget that to the grave

I'll never forget just getting to hang out with you one day on set. It was the greatest best field trip I've ever been on. Oh my god. I I'll never forget that so I respect them But it's the same thing man. You can't Fight three times a year Donald sarone learned that this year you cannot fight three times a year and There's you have to ask yourself the why and the how I got him off with today from san diego I'm gonna tell you guys the truth These people wanted me to try 55 bucks for tickets VIP seating

35 for general admission and 20 dollars for 200 people to stand I told them to take that deal and show it up their ass good for you. They were like, are you serious? I'm like, I would never charge. I don't give a fuck what is wrong with people Yeah, but then people can't realize what happens because we get talked into stupid shit. We get let down wrong streets I I see it coming from every direction. That's how they get you is with the money And you start looking at the money going 55. I don't care about these people It's like I've been getting hit the last couple weeks. I'm at that fucking turner hall But when you click on turn a hole

on fucking Yahoo to get tickets all these fake Websites come on and they're charging two hundred and sixteen dollars for tickets to go see me Had a fucking theater so people sending me these tweets So I had to finally go to the fucking thing and it's no it's 20 dollars a seat 25 dollars a seat I would never charged but these fake ticket agencies. Yeah They're buying tickets and selling them for two hundred and sixteen fucking dollars like scalpers or some shit on their fake sites I would never do that

I would never do that at all. That's right. You got a good heart. No, not because it's good business It's good fucking business. Yeah, but they go hand in hand sometimes online They're comedians that charge a hundred fucking dollars for you to go see them I don't care how funny somebody is I refuse to pay a lot to go see somebody I think what happens is people get caught up people that maybe did make those sacrifices You were talking about and then somewhere along the line they go well, I deserve it right now It's my turn, but they don't think of that long term success. Like you said take care of your fans It takes forever to get fans appreciate them take care of them. That's it and then you can stay in business forever

That's the way I look at it keep on writing new stuff be nice to people and that's it Who knows if it's true, but what I uh, there was a story over the weekend that Mike Tyson charges a couple hundred dollars to have a picture with him that's like and you can do whatever you want and and and but that just seems That goes both ways that goes both ways because

How many people stop Mike Tyson? Yeah Right does he charge the two hundred and private functions when he does a speaking engagement Or if I bump into him right now on the street at rouse and I go Mike Let me hook up with a picture of you. Dude. He was at the comedy store one. He seems so cool. That was ridiculous. Yeah He seems so cool. That's whatever stories, but that's what every story I've heard is that maybe it is for those events, but It was like have you ever have you been approached to go to those picture signing events Joey years ago? When the longest year I came out and I refused I refused refused. I don't see that. I don't want to do that

There's nothing in my heart. I want I don't want to do any of that stuff. Is that a normal feast? Steve do you think maybe for that thing? I'm not I'm not gonna start a beef with Mike Tyson years ago. Yeah, that's not smart years ago I heard a comedian's charging ten dollars for a picture now There's two ways to attack this I came up with a comic that didn't want the audience to see him till he won on stage You know and he explained to me why because you want to be bigger than them and I get it I get it

But in my world, I'm not bigger than them, right So, you know, there's a lot of things that big time comics do To make their appearance seem a little bigger than what they are Right and it worked for them. It doesn't work for me I appreciate getting ten dollars a headshot I could you know when I got to catch a 3 30 a.m flight And there's three people on 30 people online. I'm there for an hour Talking to them. It would be great

To get ten dollars a person to get an extra three hundred dollars. Yeah, what would the three hundred dollars do for me besides insult these poor people? Yeah What would the three hundred dollars do insult you know what if I asked them on the way out to give me ten bucks a piece They give it to me Yeah, people that listen to the church when they come to a show on the way out if I got any ten bucks or any To buy a weed they give it to me. Yeah Up you're gonna charge these people there's little things that people do That would turn me off completely. I stopped going to a restaurant because they don't clean the windows I look at the weirdest things

You know, I know if this person's a businessman. I love this person's a fucking joker By the treatment when people get their cars fucked up. I always tell people go to marco Yeah, but go to marco Go to marco I don't go to marco You're never gonna be treated like that in your life. Yeah Now he's russian, armenian they get the bill they get a sent through, you know, sometimes we have to call your insurance and get it approved Go ahead get the car. I'll get it approved. Yeah, I'll make them an offer. They can't I mean like I said

He got me a battery in my car a year later A year later I told my battery was that he came all the way up here that comes to the street when I used to live over there And he fucking put the battery in my car. Wow from glendale takes care of people. That's customer service. That's the greatest thing It's gone in our society. It's gone in our society. I just sent him my buddy donny And donny goes I can't believe joey what this guy does. He saved me by deductible It's amazing. It's like my tax guy. I send everybody to he takes care of you. That's rick's guy that went to jail He keeps sending all these guys to a prison

No, but they guilty to association birds of a feather flock together if your friend went to jail, you're fucking close by You know what I'm saying? Oh my god. Yeah, keep it up. Keep it up. I saved three thousand dollars. Okay Wait till you're writing me from day foley cell over there Yo, the day foley sweet and shit, man, they don't have no no no no hummus in here Because there's no hummus in prison. The only hummus you guys if you're blowing arab That's the only hummus you get and you get no nachos. There's no nachos It's just straight up fucking hummus juice. I don't want to know how you get nachos There's nachos, but you're not gonna get those chips. There's not gonna be any

in there Fucking hilarious. Great to see you. Steve. I love you. Joey. What else is going on in your life? Getting ready to do a uso tour. What are you leaving? Uh, may How long I think two weeks Steve burn, I don't know where we're going yet, but it's like, you know, gary cannon is he's a great guy gary cannon Let's open up for raffy man. Yes. Yeah, great. Steve burn and bill crawford out of pittsburgh. Who's fantastic Steve cannon opens up to Steve burn a lot. Yeah, gary cannon. Yep. I think Steve Steve burn has a special coming out next week. He does on what you know what it is. Let's give him a shout out

He's a great one to look it up. Lee. I was gonna contact him, but I don't think I had time for him I have somebody tomorrow already And I think his special comes on the sixth or something like that. So he's a great guy. He's family He's church family. So if you love Steve burn, give him a shout out. He's a fucking great guy. He is What's the name of the special? He's a fourth special tell the damn joke Is on showtime april 7th at 9 p.m. So that's friday night Showtime tape and he's a good fucking dude

So hopefully you'll be shooting your special soon with a little grace from god. Let's hope so prayers get answered Hopefully you'll do it the right way. That'd be great. That'd be great. That would be amazing now, man I just noticed that lately that These people really bothered me last week. These people really fucking bothered me last week with this gathering because They kind of the way made me feel bad for doing what I do And ever since this girl lived in LA She always had these drunk parties and I never went to one of their parties. I loved them daily. I appreciate

I always put my work before as much as I wanted to do coke As much as I knew one of them would do coke with you and suck your dick. I knew all these things about these type of parties I always put stand up before I always avoided them you're on a mission and little by little But this was 10 years ago. I avoided these people. It's the 15 years ago even then when I was deep in the blow Yeah, I know that there was no future, you know hanging out with these people. Yeah as much as I loved them It was the same stories over and over again There are two types of people in the city the people that do that that just party that want to hang out and go to the beach And have fun all the time and then there's people that are like I got something to prove

There's something I want to do. There's something I want to accomplish. Is there something wrong with that attitude though? Is there something wrong with it Lee? I know you have a little bit of an issue with it Lee I don't have an issue with it. It's yeah, you don't I look okay it's You you growing up you just your soul is this image of nine nine to five So sleeping getting bagels on saturday like I don't I don't even know where I get maybe from movies who knows where that stupid image can't come from and

sometimes I like That what I'm thinking about the hobby thing. I'm like I thought you were gonna be a little bit more negative about it because You're so I've never met anyone who can go for so long And so hard and not feel burnt out. Maybe you do feel burnt out. You just work through it. I don't know but it's Like I was thinking I don't I don't know if I've had a day off this year in reality

Which is good I do have a much more free schedule. I'm not I'm not trying to complain but It it's it's it's a taxing schedule to get used to after five days of week at school not really having to work super hard getting A's and B's usually The fuck are you talking about A's and B's that went out the window when you fucking got your diploma? I'm talking about life. I know so yeah

You went to college and you work through college And now you pay half your loans and you know you help your parents and stuff like that You've sacrificed in a lot of ways I think that and I'm this podcast is not about Lee or anybody else. I'm just talking about sacrifice I think that when I first when I first met Lee the first six months I had a problem with Lee's But it wasn't that I had a problem with Lee. Lee didn't really know If I look back at it today, Lee didn't really know how the game was flipped We thought that there's running a charity out there that you do this and this is what happens and

And there's two ways you could do this There's the wrong way and there's the fucking wrong way. Yeah, you know, I found that Listen, you don't think I want a small coke and be the life of the party When I was 28, I wanted to give him to me or it wasn't given to me. I took it. Yeah, I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you If I wanted a party on a Thursday night and there was gonna be bitches there and I wanted to try to impress these losers All right, I would fuck Steve Simone over give me an eight ball I'll have the money back tomorrow Joey. I need the money tomorrow because I got a cop I bought it from my brother the dentist. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't give a fuck about you

I'll go out there if I sell 200 I'll sell 200 if I snort at all I'll snort at all and if not, he ain't getting the shit tomorrow, you know, I'll deal with steve He'll call me a thousand times. I'll duck until Tuesday tell him I got arrested. Mm-hmm It's just so weird, but when I first met Lee he didn't know He had no idea He didn't know when we went to New York. I'm like, Lee I have the microphone ready. He thought, you know, there was a lot of things that lee Lee had never been around these things

I tell you all the time that this is a value of education. He's getting he told me himself that he's worked with a lot of other people on podcasting And they don't understand it. Yeah, they don't understand that People don't really understand what they need to do today It's true. People don't know the intensity that you have to go at something If you want it, you might catch a break and it may be given to you a little bit too prematurely Yeah, but you're still gonna have to go back and do the work. Yeah, there's no shortcuts I saw with margaret show tom rhodes And george harald though. God bless the soul

They all got tv shows giving to them right after the explosion of rosa and bar and seinfeld And what did these guys quit? No, they didn't They still do stand them except for geraldo. God rest his soul I learned a lot from tom rhodes and from margaret show They didn't let that tv show cancellation stop them. They were just a bump in the road Yep, a lot of people that affects That affects them never the same again when you see them their attitudes a little different

They blame it on the network. They were racially biased Margaret made some chatter about racially biased or whatever, but she dropped that shit. It wasn't even worth the chatter Wasn't even worth the chatter. Yeah, because it's a long-term career It's like if you have a if you have a hot show or nothing happens with this show You still want to do this for the rest of your life You know like ray romano had one of the most successful shows ever But he's still doing stand-up seinfeld still doing stand-up. Does ray romano still do stand-up? Yeah, he did a charity show for us last year

And yeah, it was his first time ever at the comedy store. It was great He was such a nice guy and he talked about shooting the show in new york I forget what show it was, but he started popping into the cellar And he was saying how much he enjoyed working stuff out with comedy club audiences Because the only thing he does is working on that music show. Yes Exactly. He was working on a music show or something like that Yeah, and he was talking about how he loved popping into the clubs again because he was in the york comic He was like, I never really cut my teeth

He was like I moved to la to do tv and he was like by that point I was just doing casinos and corporate gigs, but he's still doing all that stuff Once you're a stand-up, I think you're always a stand-up. That's it. Well, I love it more now Than I did when I started. I just don't have the ability to do what I was doing when I started Like when I come back next week, I'm not doing the big clubs anymore I'm gonna go on a fucking bar tear again. I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Go to little bars and start from scratch I need to come up with a new hour. I'm not gonna come up with at the comedy store

I'm not gonna come up with a theme problem. I'm not gonna come over. So you want to be off the map a little bit off the map Okay, I'm going back to the ha ha I'm gonna do these other physical room close to the house on Tuesday nights. There's another one on Thursday I'd love to hit any of those rooms and maybe just hit the store once a week like I hit it on saturdays During brian monarch show to see where I'm going with the material But I'm not gonna grow if I keep going to comedy store because I gotta keep doing a material to keep up with the masses Yeah, so I can't do this. I have to go back to when I first I'd like to shoot a cd a year from now tape a new special

But the only way I'm gonna tape this special and fit fit to be effective is to take it back to roots That's gotta take it back to little rooms and shit, you know You go to the comedy store main room. You gotta ham it up I gotta ham it up in the original room. All right, and I'm too old to be hamming it up during the week I expected, you know And I'm not complaining Right saying that I I wanted to I want to go somewhere monday tuesday wednesday where I don't need no pressure I don't have that the comedy store if I had a place right now tonight that we could go to 11 o'clock

I would love to do it right now. I'd be there even if there was eight people I would be the same thing goes for tuesday the same thing goes for wednesday, you know, I would be there in the heartbeat but It's not the way things turn out, you know, this week. I gotta shoot this thing this tv show, so i'm pretty excited Yeah, hey, listen, man. This is 20 years of I don't get work like I used to let me give some shout outs angel adorno jeff collins david tamo ben augusto anthony sabito Matt homie. I'll see you milwaukee cocksucker chris tent and my man garnet

Ono's chuck this guy was here last week. I love garnet. He's great. He's from canada. He's a bad dude garnet is over there hanging himself right now. He's thinking of disconnecting this internet He just wants to move to l.a. and hang with the boys. That's all he wants. He's so cool. I can't get mad before How many years have you been here for now steve? september will be 17 And what do you think did you sacrifice a lot for your country? I don't know if I could do it over again is the truth. I really don't know if If I had to I don't know if I was Yeah, I sacrificed enough. I don't know if I could do it again, but I'm very grateful

for all of the The opportunities I've had because of the sacrifices when I think about Going like I've been to afghanistan on the front lines making people laugh. I've been Bedside a children's hospital with kids through the worst things life can just comedy brought me all those great experiences So for that i'm grateful It's funny when you watch crashing like like I was in new york for nine months And when I watch pete holmes there's a part where the girl says to him, you know, so how do you how you're making a living? He goes i'm not

i'm just Having the best time of my life And I can look at both you guys And think about that time of my life and how much fun I was having being broke Stealing change from cars in the service department. I'm selling cars and It was a fucking journey every day I would have to get up at six to take the seven o'clock bus because my friend's dad drove that bus and didn't let me on for free

You know two thousand fifty cents. I would get two thousand fifties with that two thousand I get like a juice and a butter roll All right, but it's hard to believe that I would say I would get up two hours earlier Just to be able to eat to eat a buttered roll and fucking juice a freshly squeezed orange juice it's insane It's fucking crazy And I'd do it again steve sumo

I would do it again. I just don't know if I could I think back to there's like fat james. You're stevy z remember him stevy z kicking me out of the apartment if you and paul got into a big fight tonight And You felt bad and you gave a half the money in your account Which you're looking at me and you'd rather I don't have to feel with I don't know what I would do You would probably hara kiwi yourself before you give somebody money That's when you stick a knife in your stomach and cut yourself sideways. God forbid

I don't even know what life I'd use I'm just saying to you, you know, what if you married paula? and right You had a child and you got to an argument with her because you were on the road with us and stayed out too long And she took the kid to your mother's and she took half of your account And now she's gonna take your credit cards max amount

I didn't snow nothing now she maxes them out And now you're a depressed guy Would you go For what you dreamed of a long time ago? Or would you continue doing what you were doing Lee? I mean when you have nothing to lose That's when you go for it in your life. Yeah, you know I mean

Where would Mean I would what I keep doing this or I go back to editing no no no no like I'm talking about like in Pete Holmes situation that show crashing right him and his wife break up He gets into comedy full steam ahead, you know He's sleeping. I mean when I tell you the story sometimes you look at me like with three eyes like getting to michigan early and having to sleep in your car In a car and to me it was so liberating. Yeah To get out of the car in the morning and stretch out in the sunlight and

Walk into a place with six bucks and hope you get breakfast Just hope you get breakfast and hope a came on opens a 10 so you could bring back a pair of Car mats and get $26 so you can eat the subway veggie and cheese and get $10 worth of weed That's what I'm talking about Lee The rent um, it's the it's the fourth earth. It's the third of the month You're gonna pay the rent on the fifth as far as maze rent Lee It's the farthest thing from your mind. You're not even thinking about it Right your car is parked over at steve's and moans garage because you're two months late with the payment

And you can't leave it on the street because you know they're hunting for it Do you know what that lifestyle is like in a way? No, oh and then to top it off You're gonna close an open mic. That's only gonna have eight people And you're gonna close the show at 12 45 But at 11 o'clock the room empties out. So you have no idea The frustration and the fucking horror I lived I would drive a limo and sign up in the ultra bulletin 10 And they would go come back at 230

Like definitely tuna and then you come back at 230 and they're like Maybe another hour and you're like, oh my god And I got a coke rock in my pocket. It's burning a hole in that motherfucker And all I want to do is crack this too stupid jokes. I wrote from the junior car to work So I could go home and blast off to columbiaville You know, you have no fucking idea Lee I was paying grandma. I was sending child support Trying to snort coke

Trying to fucking buy clothes And I'll tell you what guys here's the sad thing. I can't lie to you guys. I was making money When I think about those busted times in 93 I was paying 365 a month for child support I was probably paying 300 a month rent Everything else was me eating up and my cocaine happened. Those were the two nuts I had I buy groceries for the house once a week maybe 60 bucks So my note was 1800. I was making 800 a week delivering sandwiches my friend From 10 to fucking 230 at hashways

And then I'd go into this city and do whatever the fuck else I had to do I was making 32 million dollar base And I was still struggling How fucking crazy is that? Because I was buying 20 bucks a week a day And 35 dollars of cocaine every day Add that up 55 times 30. That's a lot of fucking money, dawg Wow

Once in a while I would buy a pair of sneakers once in a while I'd buy two pair of paint. I worked in the city So I would walk past those outlets and just buy two pair of pants with 15 bucks Fuck it. I'd buy a six pack of white socks Good to go. Why buy underwear? Who needs them? It's a necessity. You don't need that five dollars. I could use it for something else 1650 1600 dollars or 16,000 1600 a month

It was my drug habit five times your rent and that's without my fucking tolls And food I ate when I went to cop drugs. That's that's crazy. That was my struggle Doing drugs and struggling open mics, but you know what? I'd do it all over again That roommate I had till this day. I haven't written Anything about those days and those are some of the best I was living in such pain then because I had lost my daughter. I knew I wasn't a loser I thought at this time I was going to go back to Boulder and be a father and everything would be forgiven

Yeah, but that was just an illusion of mind fuck But at the time I lived in georgia. I just went to chance dragging in with him on thursday And every time I look at him I think about those nine months and how Me and george have been friends for 40 years, but with two different animals now I love him daily because of three or four different time periods of my life He plugged the hole like a brother. That's great. I mean he plugged the fucking hole With that heroin those nine months of heroin Or some of the funniest times I ever saw in my life

And it was watching somebody else deteriorate, but he didn't care about himself So I would just torment him. I would torment him and he would torment me too. Don't get me wrong But every night I knew he wanted to shoot out If I knew he had a certain look on his face He'd be dying to shoot out, but it was me him and his grandmother And his grandmother knew he was a filthy a filthy junkie So she would watch him like a fucking hawk at night And he would play it out like everything was cool and this I mean dog

Grandma's door wouldn't go And he was already dodging to the bathroom to shoot heroin and I'd give him like five minutes And then I tipped out and they had a gong in the hallway and I'd hit the gong and go back to bed And she'd come out. What the fuck was that? And then she'd look in the room and go where's george? I don't know And she'd run to the bathroom and bang on the door george. I know what you're doing in there And he'd be shooting up and shit and then he'd come back and go you couldn't talk to fire and I'd say like I don't know what happened She went right to the door. I would torment them dog. I would torment them every fucking night

How did he get over it? He went to jail He went to jail. He chose he told the judge just drove me in jail because I'm never gonna get clean He had already gone to 20 rehabs and But it was those nine months with him I'd just gone through a divorce. I was going to war with these people And I went back home and I actually went back home Like it was the first time I lived at home in eight years, but I needed to go home I needed to walk those streets again

I needed to remember who the fuck I was and if I was going to get into comedy I really needed to remember who I was, you know, that's a good point so it was uh But I look at george now that laugh because I think I still remember him accusing me of robbing his bus pass And me going george, I ride the bus for free every fucking day. Why would I rob your bus? Because I know you did it You ride, you know, he used to do in those days. He he moved rocks at the park Two days a week three hours. He would move rocks with a thing and they give him 140 hours a week in the bus pass

Because he was a junkie. He was on a junkie program in cliffside park And that's what you do like get a junkie out of the house program So you go down to the park you sweep a little bit for three hours and they give you a buck 40 and the method don't card The bus card in the syringe. I'm not kidding Wow, he had this program down Two days a week. I think it was six hours a day And the government gives you a little money. It's called the momo program or something I'm sure that's the official program. Oh, yeah. Yeah now today. He's doing well. He has his own

He's partners on a frame company and he raises his daughter and he lives his grandma grandma's still alive I was over the other night george lee mack grandma She's racist racist as fuck She's telling me for del diamonds california. She's 91 now dog and she she tells me 105 She's like i'm 105 grandma. You're fucking 91 pretty interesting shit. Like what this journey. You're right The sacrifice was really worth the journey. It was the journey. Absolutely. And what I do it again Fuck yeah, yeah Fuck yeah, I would do this all over again the suffering

Was definitely worth it. The only thing I wouldn't do again is do an addiction, right? I wouldn't do an addiction That's the only thing I suggest But I suggest the struggle and the fucking the struggle is what I think It's gave me just more compassion for people You know what I mean? Like the more I suffered the less I wanted to see anybody else suffer when they were going through it I could see it You know like even the young comics up at the store like tonight I'm gonna go up there and I'm just gonna listen as you know, sometimes you just show up and listen

You know, that's the best. That's the absolute Sitting the back and watch the comedians. Yeah, and then they come up to you learn a ton. You learn a ton watching people I just I loved it. I loved when I lived in hollywood and I get a spot like at 11 30 and you go at 9 30 Smoke a little dope and just sit in the back when it used to be empty I'd sit all the way in the back with a baseball head on so nobody would know me I wasn't stealing joe's. I was I was just watching and learning Yeah, that's it. You you could learn from anybody in comedy. You can have an open miker You could learn from a feature act. You can learn from a headline. That's a great thing about comedy

Every time I watch comedy close enough three or four days It could be fucking Tommy easter. It could be steve simone. It could be joe rogan. It could be bergreich. I learned something I think that was part of mitzi's genius Oh, it's always funny. It's always funny. Come on. There's the philadelphia report What the fuck? But I would say I like to go up there and just be there for the other comics Listen to what they're going through, you know, the kids in the struggle

See what I could do to help out my new things. I feed them Oh, they make pizzas or ziti or something Because bringing food up to the comedy store. It's like bringing fruit to a home. I gotta tell you something I have the same compassion at the comedy store. I look at those guys and I give them the utmost respect They're the new marines. Yes. I'm that fat old fuck with the crew cut That comes around and says you guys don't know nothing I was here when Eddie griffin was doing four hours and then dice would follow through two hours You know, I feel like that guy I feel like the old guy in full metal jacket

And I just annoy lee and all the other 28 year old everybody loves you. That's him. That's I'm full metal jacket And that's lee this ends with lee Pulling the gun on me shooting me they're shooting themselves in the bathroom. What was his name? What was that little private pile? Yeah, private pile What is in your lunchbox a jelly donut? That is one of the funniest scenes in movie history when I When he goes when he goes

Call my pile. What's this? What are you calling? Go see if they got donut scene in full metal jacket. That's lee side. Is that vincentonafrio? That's vincentonafrio. That turn he makes in that. No, no, no. He's he listened that guy Every time people like what do you think? Do you want a high fence tonafrio? Remember full metal jacket? You got a point So good. Yeah higher. You remember that scene lee? Uh, that's you. I believe so. That's you when he finds a donut there. Somehow I don't think yeah Tomorrow I don't think this is very complimentary, but what the fuck is this that is there are two scenes in there that till this day dog

I still fall off the couch when he asks when he says jesus You know marry jesus and joseph and he starts smacking them and beating them up That is one of the funniest scenes. I'm gonna go back and watch that and no, no, no above the law tonight The good thing about these two movies is you don't have to watch the whole movie With this shit you just have to watch I remember this movie freaking me out a little bit shoots himself. Yeah, and after that the movie blows once the hooker says me So horny you're like, okay, I've had enough Really look at that face

It is like two different movies, but it is like two different. What's the jelly donut? Is this it? Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's Lee clip one Now I'm that I'm the old guy. That's a Lee guy. Put that on watch this Oh yeah Pop that blister Oh Jesus age christ Private pile, why is your footlocker unlocked sir? I don't know sir private pile

If there is one thing in this world that I hate It is an unlocked footlocker. You know that don't you sir. Yes, sir If it wasn't for dickheads like you there wouldn't be any deeper in this world. What there sir. No, sir. Get out This is this right here right here. This is the best I got but let's just see if there's anything missing Holy Jesus, what is that? What the fuck is that? What is that private pile sir jelly donut sir a jelly donut sir? Yes, sir How did it get here sir? I took it from the mess hall, sir

It's chow allowed in the barracks private pile sir. No, sir. Are you allowed to eat jelly donuts private pile sir? No, sir. And why not private pile sir because I'm too heavy sir because you are a disgusting Yes, sir Because you were hungry Oh Private pile has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon I have tried to help him But I have failed

I have failed because you Have not helped me. That's how I feel. Yeah, people Have not given private piles the proper motivation She's so from now on Whenever private pile fucks up I will not punish him I will punish all of you And the way I see it ladies you owe me for one jelly donut. Now get on your faces

Open your mouth They're paying for it. You eat it Ready At his cold blooded shit I put the first pile saying when he He could stop this Any time now Dude that guy was the real deal, right? That was a real drill instructor back to and see if we see it on that scroll

Jelly donut scene fucking hilarious Right there right there that one that was do you believe in the Virgin Mary? That's a good one too That's just this is fucking hysterical this part right here You imagine that's me waking you up before in the morning torturing you I could live for this shit You'd be the best Private cowboy private joker sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. As soon as you finish your bunks I want you two turds to clean the head

I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump Private joker. Do you believe in the virgin Mary? sir, no sir I don't believe I heard you This is the barbecue when conversation we have you do love the virgin Mary, don't you sir negative sir Private joker. Are you trying to offend me? Sir negative sir, sir the private believes that any answer he gives will be wrong And the senior drill instructor will beat him harder if he reverses himself, sir

Who's your squad leader scumbag sir the private squad leader's private snowball sir Private snowball Private snowball you're fired private joker promoted to squad leader Private pile now i'm private joker as your new squad leader and you will bunk with him He'll teach you everything. He'll teach you how to pee sir. Yes, sir private joker is silly and he's ignorant But he's got guts and guts is enough now you ladies carry on sir. I sir Silly and ignorant, but he got guts fucking hilarious this shit so good. This is this is this is another movie came on 87 Unfucking believe I can't wait for they make this over

All right rambo you can take this off now now you're scaring me to death. You got these soldiers and shit I don't know if the platoon's coming What else buddy, that's it. That's all you got for me today. He cucks up. You made pizzas. Where you going? You so you're going to boy got on me july 29th Where you going before that any other things you got going on? I got the uso thing Hopefully starting back on aria's tv show and then I did if I could give a shout out to the nonprofit I'm doing there's a family with a very sick little boy that we're trying to help and all the money we raise is just for right now It's just going to go to this family to create as many good memories with their kid as they can while they can

So if you want to make a donation and help my little buddy steven out You can just go to regularhero.org even if you got a couple bucks. It'll be appreciated and Uh, we're just trying to put some joy into this family's life. That's it. Wow the time still Yeah, it's very sad diagnosis. Yeah But there could be a miracle, you know, there's uh, there's some hope out there. So it's great. You just pray and that's it There's always a fucking miracle, man. You know, that's We're still here Yep, we're still here in this fucking game. So yeah

The main key of this podcast and that was just if you really think you're getting places See how much you really sacrifice You know, I found that out. Like I said Saturday night when I was I would love to stay with those guys and done a thousand things and see niac But it's so important to who I was then and now when I started making progress Was when I beat myself up. Yeah, and you know what to make progress Sometimes you have to piss off the people around you Because people understand when you do things for yourself

They really don't people do not want to comprehend when you look at somebody and go, I'm not doing that I got to do this for myself. Yeah, I don't care what you're thinking. I don't care what you want to do Whatever you want to do is fine. But this is what I'm doing from now on At this time period, you know, and I learned that from mitch headberg, you know, all the greats Sacrifice something, you know, and that's what I don't think people don't understand How much sacrifice goes into this? I don't understand how much Even lee lee's closer to his mother Lee's sacrificing himself right now

Lee has to wake up Every 16 days because I know him And he evaluated, you know, he's a nerdy fuck he gets high And he goes into his head and he's I know him. I know that he asks himself. What the fuck he's doing on him Because that's his cut. That's the cut he comes from But I want to lead and know that every morning when he wakes up part of that sacrifices two things You start out with a goal every day and you have to attain that goal for the sacrifice not to be a waste If not, the sacrifice is a waste back up your bags and go home to your mother and your family in Florida

You get a part-time job tell people you're a comedian. Maybe you pick up a house mc job Nobody really needs this. Yeah, but to not feel that your love your is in vain. You have to get up every morning. Okay Two things have to happen number one If I do this somebody's got to pay me to do this Like I'm not far you have to put a value upon yourself And that's very hard for people to imagine for the listen. I'm an electrician. You're paying me a 50 an hour blah blah blah You know, you also have to justify that don't come to me and go well

I worked 42 hours last week. Yeah, but you were the first one to go both nights So he wants to be an electrician Is the first one here in the last one to go and doesn't complain about he has to go to movies or Doesn't complain about the superhero movies coming out tonight. He's been waiting. They don't care about that You want to own this company one day? This is what needs to be done. Yeah, everything else gets torn apart You know, I bust leaves balls about paul and him staying home at night I can't tell him until one day he comes to me and goes dog Why don't you punch me in the fucking mouth two years ago?

I threw away two years in my life 10 hours a week watching stupid tv shows I will say what the older I get the more valuable my time your time. Yeah. Oh When you're 28, you don't think about it. You don't think about it. Wait a second And that's when I try to tell anybody who's on the fucking 30 here put a value on your time. Yes If you don't do it now It it's gonna take too long. It took me till I was 44 I'm a loser compared to you guys. You guys got this on in front of you You make sure that every day counts. Yes

You know in my world the day was complete if I got a half gram of coke, but guess what I always got that half gram I always got it. My goal was to go out in the daytime Once I hit the comedy store I get 10 from you 10 from lee 10 from this guy got my 40 I gotta check from the store on friday and I'll pay a more back and we'll move on with this In my world it was that and to do a set That justified my existence who the fuck I was trying to be And that's what I've been telling lee and anybody else I like everybody I have a relationship and everything

But there comes a day you sit the woman down and listen You want to go here? You want to go there? We need to buy a house. Yeah, you want to get a dog? We need to do this. This just don't come. Exactly. This just don't come. I wish I could walk into 7-11 and give the hindu three dollars and he gives me the 150 million dollar ticket I wish it was like that. Yeah, and I get the one payment and buy two properties and China go to taiwan get my dick suck eat some fucking lobster tails and come back and tell my wife. I love her But that's not the case. That's not america. That's not that's a few people who get lucky You have to really evaluate this, you know when I was married. I thought it was the 40 hour plan too until I hated my wife

Then I got more hours to compliment and then when she left I was like Life is seven days a week as much as you don't want it to be. Yep, you know, I'm going to the ufc this week I'm doing buffalo. You think I'm gonna sit the fucking ufc and watch the fight Not really. I'm on that plane at 6 a.m. Saturday morning. I don't give a fuck about no fight If it's between this or me writing or look at look at if I would have stayed in Nyak, I would have never booked this role, right? I wouldn't have prepared myself. I wouldn't have been prepared These are those little sacrifices you have to make I would want I didn't put flowers on my mother's grave this time I thought about postponing my trip till monday. Then I got that audition. Yep

My mother's been dead for 30 years. She could wait till november for flowers So you never know I might go back and I gotta go back in july to the book god. I might go up that sunday That sunday and put flowers. I have a thousand options, right and I honestly believe you using your talent To its fullest capabilities preparing for that audition That's the best kind of flowers you can give your mother. You know what? I mean a life well lived a life filled with joy That's the best thing you can do for all the people that made sacrifices for you for you. Yeah, no is to find the joy in living That's what I think about when I miss my parents I go, why did my dad work two three jobs?

Why were they always there because they wanted me to be the best version of me and this sucks that i'm not with them right now But this is the best you're making it work. You're out of here. Absolutely. It's like you're waiting for an envelope Exactly. You're at the fucking open mic waiting for an envelope, right? You've worked all the time. I remember when you were struggling with this guy and this guy now you got the apartment You got the car things happen. Yep. Listen. It took me 12 years or whatever 15 years even start making a listen you're gonna you're gonna be doing something you didn't want to do That's that's another great piece of piece of advice the time's gonna go by Jesus christ it's gonna go by sitting in a cubicle doing what you don't want to do or it's going to go by

Where you're going towards your dream and you know what thank god. Thank god Thank god I put the time in towards my dream because doing what you don't want to do you might as well throw yourself in jail Yep, that's jail and you know what that's like to you about in your 30s and you've gotten to yourself in a position You're like, how did I get myself in this position? Yeah, this is when I wanted to do all the things I really wanted to do now. I can't do I remember when I was 22 There were kids I was doing a corporate job and kids were talking 22. They were 22 And they were talking about what they were going to do when they retired

I go what you're talking about 45 years from now. You don't know. Oh forget crystal ball Goodbye, that guy runs the red light with that. Absolutely. What are you thinking about 45 years from exactly? So grateful for all the experiences I've had. I knew what I could do and I knew what I didn't want to do Yeah, you know, and that was a good point. That was the good thing. I'm happy you came on to this I love you. I love you. Thanks for having me Lisa yats in that place where he needs to be La laville Don't forget you bad mother fuckers. I'm at levity live in oxnard for 420

Leo be there eating 15 stars that night with his father And then on the 27th. I'm in the tumbler bruin house up there in fucking bakersfield Having a good time. So yeah, I'm in the valley the next month after this weekend in buffalo Number one always Hello tushy.com the bidets are back. Listen. I've since I was a kid I'm one of those people that sits there and when somebody walks by with a big ass. I say to myself imagine What that asthma smell like and that's where bidet comes in. Where's the siren lee? Where's the siren? You know what I'm saying? That's the siren

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Get it together. All right. You can save a kid's life. You can make their fucking dream come true They go to disney land. He takes some roller skating. He buys them helmets. He makes pizza. You know the fucking deal Go to the heroes. What is it regular hero regular hero dot com. All right. I love you cock suckers Stay black uncle joey loves you. I'll see you motherfuckers for 20 oxnard levity Headed lee That bidet commercial was the funniest You Oh

So So you think you can tell Heaven from hell Blue skies from pain Can you tell a green field? When I call steel rail A smile from a veil Do you think you can tell

Did they get you to trade You're heroes for girls Heart eyes for trees Heart apple of cool breeze Cold comes with the change Did you exchange The walk on part in the walk For a lead role with a cage

I How I wish how I wish you were here We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl Year after year We're running over the same old ground And have we found the same old fish Wish you were here You

You You