Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #470 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: April 6, 2017

Jessimae Peluso, comedian, actress, and the host of the "Sharp Tongue Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order.   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. 
Recorded live on 04/04/2017.
  

All right, let's do this. It's a beautiful night to be alive. Let me ask you something Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? No juggling emails or call to your office quickly screen candidates rate them and hire the right person And right now my listeners can post jobs on zip recruiter for free by going to zip recruiter.com Slash church that's zip recruiter.com slash church number two Elevate your motherfucking underwear game to the next level. You understand me with me undies Stop fucking around me undies are designed in LA and made from micro mold all

A fabric three times softer than cotton and right now today If you don't want a subscription, that's okay You can still save because me undies is offering you 20 percent off your first pair. Just use our special url me undies.com Slash joey and get 20 percent off your first pair and the show is off the also brought to you by listen You're having a hard time sleeping. You know why because you got a dead mattress. Do me a favor Go to helix sleep com answer a few simple questions Based on four preferences and the result will be a custom sleep profile and right now today

Go to helix dot com slash joey, and I'll give you $50 off your first daughter. Who's better than uncle joey? That's helix sleep.com slash joey again helix sleep.com slash joey. That's who puts this podcast together Give them some heat lisa yet There you go Oh, shit It's a new attitude cocksuckers There we go australians coming at you. Oh, shit. You're lucky. I don't smoke deads This is just on regular reefer and fucking energy

And testosterone straight from the nut sack the church of what's happening now cocksuckers Oh, shit Oi Oi, oi golly golly Jesse may polluse so in the house. What police say out in the house living for 20 not talking about it not hanging posters He's in 2000 milligrams deep There you go Everybody knows about these. Oh god, here we go

So we're gonna get these at your store and we'll get you some promo your phone saying to you know how we do it dog What's happening? I'm walking you into the church of what's happening now My girl jesse may polluse those here. I'm here lisa. Yeah, it's here. What we're doing tonight Listen all these fucking amateurs They want to celebrate 420 around here. We live it on a daily basis. You know, I don't fuck with you people We ain't doing met We ain't eating pills. We ain't doing well. We ain't doing that. We're smoking heavy fucking reefer I gave up edibles for length

Because it got out of hand 2000 a day. You can't live like that. That's not that's not a regular human being And it was 2000 plus. Did you really give him up? Yeah for length. I went to church on ash wednesday I got the fucking ashes put on my head then I went home and I did my own ceremony in the backyard out of respect What kind of what was that like? What was your spirit? You go back there you blow some smoke And you fucking put the ashes on your head out of respect for the holy ghost It's always the father the son of the holy ghost. Everything the holy ghost is reefer reefer. It's reefer reefer's the holy ghost All these people never 2000 years not one of you fucking intelligent people

To figure this out. I got left back in the seventh grade I figured that out the holy smoke is the holy ghost has always been What's a ghost? Some dude who bothers you. Oh No It's somebody who fucking gets you going. You don't see what it is. It's invisible. Yeah, it's like smoke the marijuana Yeah, when you blow it out your world changes, and I'm not talking here from a loser perspective. I'm telling you When you blow it out you blow it out and all your troubles go away

Even if it's for an hour and a half They do you giggle like a fucking retard. You ever see a retard gay? He was a once wool over the cuckoo's nest. It looks so happy. They ain't bothering nobody. Nobody's getting slashed Nobody's getting fucking bombed. Nobody's getting cut in the subway. Yeah, it's just laughter. It's just laughter It's that's all it is And in a feeling of elation sometimes you're creative as hell I wish I could go back to getting high like when I was 12 like when I was 12 Me and my little buddies used to go to lunch at shop, right?

Right, right about a lunch at shop, right? Fuck yeah, because we could shop with bubba hubba bubba and we fucking go shop lift a 10 pack of hubba bubba I could listen to you say hubba bubba listen it would repeat We were going there four of us deep and we would still 10 40 40 packs of hubba bubba And we get smug and we get a tube Okay, like a glass thing and you'd put a row a joint in there And then you cover it and it was like a flute and you smoked it Okay, yeah, and then you you'd walk back to school sneaking like reefer and you get so high that you'd sit on the glass tube

The other times I broke that fucking tube not one time But I got a stitch in my ass not one because you got a thick ass And then the cocaine ever came and they had a thing called double barrel shotguns where it was a glass with a Scoop at the end and you scooped it into the bag and went like this And and I would sit on those two how old were you? Oh, that's when I was 17 Holy shit, I'm that's that 17 is fine. It was funny last week. I was a jant jant chans dragging in Right down the corner from bananas when you'll be at bananas

Get an uber and don't take it a chance dragging in that's where it all started That sounds like some real Chinese shit. I'll show you the pictures later, but when I was 16 We used to have a we used to have a driving coach North bergen at the time had a driving coach What does it mean what the hell's a driving coach? You ready for this? Does that involve a horse because I will die Okay, I'm thinking of like a court the gym teacher for four periods You would sign up when you got your permit

Yeah, and he would take you and three other people on a car ride and you would switch And then when you went to get your gym teacher like a gym teacher, and they get why was your gym doing that? I don't know. I don't know. I didn't go to the board of ed meetings That sounds so creepy. You're making it sound like Your gym teachers had like a like a cars were donated by demassie cadillac. So you got the coop No, no, this is crazy. I forgot about this and the cars came coop theville. So there were two of them and on the side They said north bergen education. Yeah Sponsored by demassie cadillac, right?

So demassie agreed to give the high school two cadillacs and they put special pedals in it For the fucking teacher in case you were retarded Gym teacher to do it the gym teacher had to be certified. Yeah, he's like, you know, I do gym and I also do driving school They all did like two or three periods How much it's an occasion to take so there was like three different teachers that did it But two of the three teachers were steps. We had this teacher call mr. McGrath the camel Mr. McGrath doesn't even sound real. We call them camel breath because you smoke the giraffe because he's calling smoke cigarette camel cigarettes with no filter and his cigarette his mustache was orange

From the camel cigarettes Listen to me and his fingers were orange Still to today. He won't fucking be my friend On facebook till today Every year I go back to that page and I click on And he's pissed because I've told these stories over here plus I owed his partner like eight grand and been bookmaking Mr. Pallute mr. Pallute died down forbid got forbid that guy's still alive when we were freshmen

Mr. Pallute was the freshman baseball coach and also the driving teacher. No, we abuse home act We abuse the fuck out of pollute pollute would take the ball Pollute would take the ball and go like this and hit the ball left field And he would go left field and then they would catch the ball He's freshman and they would hold the ball and pollute would go Where the fuck all the balls and all of a sudden nine people would whip balls out of the speed And one day they knocked them out poor pollute got knocked out Sophomore year

We were part of the gourmet club And mr. McGrath like a chef club. Listen to this Listen to this North north growing in high school had a thing called the gourmet club And one sunday every month you got together you rented a bus you paid dues. You had to be a junior and above A senior and you paid dues and mr. McGrath and three other teachers Fuck would take you into the city to a famous restaurant And then you eat the food and go back to one of the teachers house and discuss it

So your teachers would just take you on dates. Listen to me Take you in the car your parents no no This is a bus a bus and you had to pay to be part of a gourmet club. Right like every school has faggy fucking organizations The photography club The gourmet club The first plumbers club every high school Everybody in this room was part of some fucking faggy organization in fucking high school Okay, in my high school they had like the dudes who built the sets and all that stupidity, but they also had

But they also had the gourmet club and you would meet once a month in front of the high school I'm just imagining that on a sweatshirt the dudes who built the sets and all that stupidity. Oh, yeah, all that shit That guy's name was bob pulman. Listen to bob Bob pulman used to get weed sent when we were in high school from hawai On sticks in a little wrap of vacuum seal the 1979 they were ahead of the game then 35 hours for fucking three joints We thought we were getting robbed that we would put oh my god ship from hawai Right, this is how crazy you guys are smoking hibiscus. So we go to fucking we go to fucking We go to china town

They take you to eat china chinese food and then you go back to somebody's house So he got so pathetic. I mean the the gourmet club that that one year they let the sophomores in And I was a sophomore and we all got in the bus and went to some fucking restaurant on the way back went to pollute house Pollute you went to pollute house the pollute house. She had a beautiful house I feel like there's a boundaries being crossed at the school. No, no, there'd be a bunch of teachers there Yeah, and they'd ask questions and it's getting worse So there'd be a bunch of teachers and they'd ask you stupid questions about the restaurant And you had to make believe like it. Oh the egg rolls were great

You know, I've been to a few places and sometimes the egg rolls are salty So listen to you're part of the first help listen to my requirement for an egg roll is saltiness Listen to me dog. So we're there maybe an hour. We're there maybe 20 minutes We take now all these fucking students are really on the up and up They're talking about the oregano and the clams the invention of the clam And me and my goombas look at each other. We're like listen pass the hat around Clams oregano, you can even have clams oregano and clams casino. What the fuck are you? I thought it was oregano. I thought you were saying oregano and like adding a spice to it

No, there's clams oregano, okay, which is like there's there's baked clams. That's what fucking gentiles eat That makes me crap my pants I would love to eat a baked clam right now at the at the copper kettle What's that restaurant where people they give you the chocolate fucking fountain? That sounds good. I always put my finger in the What's the name of the fucking chocolate fountain place? golden corral Golden corral once a month will have baked clams. You go in there. You end up fucking dead. You understand me They don't even know crying out of your ass. Oh my god. It's a fucking horror show. So don't go to bake corral and get baked clams

That's what people people people like in fucking Montana go to like, uh, what's that restaurant? What's the italian place where people go? Carabas olive garden olive god the italian place olive garden They go to olive for the bread stick. You know that when you go to utah when you go to salt You ever go to salt lake city wise? Yeah, that's the best. That's the biggest Olive garden the country for real for that's what that's where that's where the most action In the country is that's where the most at that olive garden What are people doing just fingering each other in the line just fucking red sticks just

I like the salad. I like the endless salad. It's the food that fucking gives you agenda for 10 days You need 15? No, no, no, you're done. Yeah, you're done eggplant parm on your butt. Let me tell you some the pasta for soup when I was in Pittsburgh, that's what we keep me together for three days Pittsburgh's food is On Pittsburgh jack Even at the hotel I got the menu and that's your egg rolls were delicious the pork fried rice They don't fuck around and up the corner was an olive garden. I hit it every day for lunch

Like a savage olive garden for lunch pasta for zool soup and the endless salad And then I would go to the fucking get the egg roll with the pork fried rice for dinner Can you always say pasta for zool the way you say pasta for zool like makes me pee a little What the fuck do you think you're dealing with something though? Yeah pasta for zool And jasmine, I don't know if you know this he said he'll show you the pictures from chan dragon in It's not like it's not like his friends like a oh, let's take a group picture after he has pictures of his food I don't want to take pictures of people you take pictures of your food when I go to chan's dragon You bet you're but do you like you've put filters in it you take pride in the photo

No, just to remember like fucking feeling something. What do you do jerk off to it later? No, he takes pride in it He shows everybody to show these fucking maggots What the fuck, you know, what the fuck you're talking about? I can show him you'll send me a photo what I should eat and I'll show him Like if you come to me and go ahead and I went to this place in Santa Monica But the beach I go Rudy's spicy muscles like a motherfucker Calamari since I was 16. I've been going in with an itic and untapped. That looks like a itic and untapped You understand the place. It looks like a boliche Yankee pot roast with a chorizo in the middle. Are you fucking kidding me?

20 a life no parole the fucking Jew bakery look Look at the Jew bakery a fucking a fucking strawberry shortcake who takes a pan. I didn't eat it I just take a picture to show you that photo. Look at this. Look at the chinese food This is gonna be down the corner from where you had bananas Salty egg roll. You see this is a metal. You don't see metal in this country no more These fools don't know nothing about metal. Look at those fucking egg rolls. You're gonna come to me I used to weigh 418 pounds and it was solid muscle Why because I ain't the best I didn't fuck around. Look at this. Look at those spare ribs

Look at that. They've been there since I was fucking 16 and my point is Mr. McGrath camel breath Used to fucking we get in the car and we'd have to go up to the ridgefield circle and make a u-turn and somebody else would drive So we were going to graph while we're here. Let's just get some egg rolls at chance And he would go are you fucking kidding me? I'm gonna die. So we started at first. It was egg rolls Come on, mr. McGrath. Let's get some egg rolls at chance. I'll buy what you call it in ahead. What's that called egg rolls ahead No, no, no those days. There were no cell phone. We didn't know no numbers You just show it up and say let me get fucking

Let me get egg. Let me get eight egg rolls And then the egg roll thing went on for like a month Every day we had the uh 1115 slot 1115 to 12 o'clock You had to sign up on a piece of paper. It was all legit This was all legit So when you got there in school right away the night before I would call pollution or pollution You got first class uh shop tomorrow first class is 7 30 right first period is 7 30 When you're stupid and young you're like, I'll go to fourth period at 9 50. You're a retard go at 7 30

You're out at 1 you fucking retard So you're gonna be there early. Do me a favor when you go sign in for For me for me right because i'm gonna go get a salty egg roll my boy No, we can just sort of go hang out. Yeah, it started with egg rolls Then we get steak on a stick and then we get steak on a stick and then we talk them into a liquor store McGrath we gotta go to a liquor store It started with egg rolls needs to be your your movie title It started with egg rolls and after about three or four weeks we started getting the McGrath

Pull over let's get a six pack. Are you guys crazy? I'm losing my life. Nobody said no We would get an eight pack an eight pack. That's when there was eight packs the nips eight. Oh, yeah Like ovie splits And we would drink the eight pack in 45 minutes before we get and he would he would just sit there and nod his head There was nothing he could do. We had him by the balls But at the end of my year, I had McGrath taking me to fucking west new york Like I would tell him I was gonna go get something but he and I both knew what the he knew what the real deal was He knew I would say give me a round. I gotta go see my stepfather. I gotta pick up a hundred dollars

But he knew I was going to west new york to pick up something and he always played it off It wasn't until the day right after I didn't graduate high school because I quit my senior year then I went back and I had short credits So I said I'm not even gonna bother I'm not blowing my summer. I got a diploma. I got a diploma later So the day after I was supposed to graduate was the first time he said come to my house because We robbed his drug dealer and I gave and I called him up. Which class was that for this was no class This was just a fucking uh, this was just an extracurricular activity. This was just us on a friday night We had a bomb so this and we go listen, bro. Let's go get cucked the guy goes. He's in the city

Perfect. Let's go rob him If he's in the city, he ain't never gonna come back to the jersey. We were crazy, dog. I told you I was going to the savages You're a legit savage. It's crazy. This was just this is great Like most kids go to school and get their dick sucked by the high school teachers and shit This is that sounds amazing. This was completely different most kids Like, you know, today's kids they fucking look at dick sucking they go home to the psychotherapist How many kids are getting their dick sucks by their teachers a lot these days? It's so tough I want to get I go to get hypnotized

For my fear, but the biggest problem happened last week. I went to get hypnotized now She's a good-looking woman. They checked who hypnotizes me is a great like she's a great hypnotist I wonder if that's a factor in it her being good looking. She sells it, but she's really attractive And I know she's married. So last week I went in there And I just said to her there's your husband working the business and she goes no to be honest And my husband is a she So she couldn't really hypnotize of me because I kept thinking about fucking her eat dance And suck you're not you're not into like girl on girl stuff. That doesn't do anything for you

Doesn't matter whether I'm into it or not. I'm just saying that it was tough for her to hypnotize Because she dropped that bomb on me. You know, next thing you know, I'm having fun. Yeah, you're thinking about it I'm coming on her feet not a fucking hypnotic watch That little hypnotic watch. I'm jizzing on it like a fucking savage watch So last week she couldn't really get deep into hypnotizing me. So I had to tell her to I said, listen You can't do drop that bomb on me an hour before you're gonna put me on. Yeah, wait till after yeah, wait till after We have always wet dreams. I mean digest it Let me digest on the plane for six hours or something before you fucking go tell me

Yeah, next time tell me slower and in my ear. It's crazy what that what goes in our mind and how it affects us How long you've been hypnotized for about four weeks? How are you liking it? I'm getting somewhere. Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting somewhere and afterwards Do you feel like is it a sort of thing we feel cleansed after or something like, you know after you have like a good high You feel like you figured out some problems. Let me tell you something man. This works like a double this has worked out for me like I never really got beside when I was in the halfway house And they made me call it on a fucking some therapist. I never went to a therapist. I didn't see the value

Yeah, in fact, I called my prison therapist About a month ago. His name is hobby schwebe I just came up with his name one night at the 30 years ago. That was his name hobby schwebe And I looked him up on youtube on uh on google and I found him and the next I called him He was happy to hear from me He told me with the whole staff of all the halfway houses where where all the my old counselors were at So that was the only therapy I had ever taken And this is sort of like half therapy half hypnotism

Right because she talks to me about what's going on, you know, what's bothering you And then we go over a technique she'll put on like some music Do legit like can Do you legit get hypnotized? Like yeah Are you conscious when you're hypnotized? Uh, are you like out? I fucking hear different shit. You do? Yeah What like mouse farts? No, like let me play it for you this shit Because my dad got hypnotized a while back, but to quit smoking it didn't work. It didn't work Welcome to mind magic tapes. This is a self-hypnosis trainer

You will be talked through training on noticing the symptoms of self-hypnosis I put my earphones on yeah, I feel like it's gonna hypnotize me. I'm gonna shit on your couch I feel like we're in the movie get out right now I know where we even get out It's tremendous You will tend to have your jaw relax and your teeth part slightly during this I'm clenching my teeth right now When your eyes are closed and going through this exercise

You will find that your eyelids become heavy and stuck tight. They should use cosby's voice That's hilarious you will begin to notice And increase in saliva flow as your body relaxes That's just because I'm sucking dick It's the hypnotize that's sucking you putting this jizz in your mouth We're both sick in the head Meanwhile you're like what the fuck Like we don't need therapy it's jazz

Well I'm having an automobile or at any time you are not in a secure and safe place where you will not be disturbed An overview of this process I can't imagine you hypnotized I'm telling you I'm hypnotizing myself I'm hypnotizing a bowl Yeah I'm not hypnotizing myself in the whole time room because I couldn't sleep And I put my moustache and I put the earphones on And I woke up six hours later

Passed out with the earphones on the floor like I couldn't move in the middle of the night so much And you're dicking the drawer No, no, no, no I felt fucking good Is to enable you to recognize the symptoms of self-hypnosis I don't know if I could do it I'm telling you this is the show But if you hypnotize yourself What happens like to notice you go into a fucking

Like are you just chilling in the in the ether suggestions? Yeah, you're just chilling suspended. Yeah, so like let's begin Oh my god, oh you hear stuff In a comfortable position I see close your eyes and roll the eyeballs comfortably upward Jesus Christ. This is freaky. This is what you need to do people. We're going to begin scared of needles That's the one I'm gonna go give blood You're gonna what to my blood? I'm gonna go give blood next to you. You're gonna do this to give blood Yeah, because I get scared of needles. You do

What if a girl in the cute little outfit did it instead would that help you? I don't even think about it. No and letting it out slowly You of all people are scared of needles. Yeah, that's why I go to acupuncture. So I overcome that fear. Is it working? Yeah, yeah, but I still get like the to take blood out. I still get fidgety I get sometimes but not as bad anymore And imagine doubling I just imagine it as a teeny dick going into my skin with each number you count to yourself Imagine each number as though it's drifting out of your mind. I mean this shit is freaky. No, thank you All right, it's get out, right? Yeah. Yeah, I'm in the second place right now

I'm gonna make me be a this sounds like like it's something they play at a cult meeting Yeah, Joe's gonna turn me into a banker. Yeah, cuz you cuz he can't be doing Listen, I'm scared. I'm just gonna work And she is so freaky I Stop looking at me like that Joey You motherfuckers don't know what you're missing this shit that see if I listen to that I'd be I'd be too scared to listen to that alone

And there's some dude in an echoey voice. Who is that guy? I don't even know him. What's he look like? Marvin I don't give a fuck. I don't ask questions. He tells me what I need to do when I do it As long as you don't touch me. You don't want no money. I'm fine You know what I'm saying once he starts borrowing that's why I'm gonna throw him out of the hotel room That shit helps you fall asleep I had a I had a fucked up week last week like last monday night. I couldn't sleep Then tuesday, I had to sleep I should have got six or seven hours

I slept like three hours and I had to get picked up at 4 30 go to new york Then I got to new york and I went to eat with my friends chinese food Chance, you know, I still go loyalty 35 years later I still that's the first restaurant I go to when I get off the plane And then I went back to the room couldn't fall asleep That's the worst. I don't be an anthony. They told me coming at nine to close out the show. That was no big deal I got a bit of I woke up at three in the morning. Oh my lord And couldn't fall back and then I by the time one o'clock came I was dizzy. Well, guess what I get tonight

I got one 30. You think I could fall asleep No, you must be reeling. I could feel my blood pressure rising from the no sleep Yep I get to the club and there was a fucking nightmare. I had to go upstairs. I told Matt Fultron to follow me up Because I was getting the anxiety and the dream I couldn't breathe You thought you're gonna pass out. Yes, I went and sent him to cvs. He was so great and I gave him He brought back some baby medicine to just Thin me out a little bit and I went and did the fucking hour and I went home and that and I slept like a fucking baby

What was the baby medicine like crack? What's that? No, it just it was uh the apartment medication I just needed my blood pressure to go. Yeah to relax So I went to the hotel room that night 10 o'clock 10 30 on my pyjamas on again You couldn't fall asleep. See I would have passed the fuck out right then. I'm fucking furious at this point I get so angry when I can't sleep ready just to go to the hospital. I'm gonna get me demerald Let me sleep at the hospital from exhaustion. Yeah And I said wait a second. Let me put those earphones on with that thing

With that creepy guy the creepy guy put you to sleep. She's a wall of mighty No, bro. I went to bed at one. I fell asleep And I think I woke up a fucking seven thirty quarter eight I took two hits of the vapor pen a cup of coffee and ran downstairs got coffee. I got took a shit No, I got those uh soft eggs With two pieces of white bread and some oatmeal and now you got me hungry And I went right back upstairs and fell right back to sleep another four fucking hours That's good. I was tipped at two but that another fucking tape

Help me relax the first night because my heart was beating You know my heart my mind was running away with me. My heart was beating You ever yanked the weasel to make you fall asleep? At this point in the game, it's just a necessary mess, right? Yeah. Oh my god An unnecessary mess his second movie title. I'm 54 years old What what what are you on measure? You still don't yank it? No, I I yank it. I don't give a fuck But I'm saying sometimes you say let me yank and you go What if you I wait till I take a shower or whatever then the shower didn't work good

I just heard if you yank it makes you fall asleep. Yeah You just turn over so you do it out. Especially in the hotel Just the best listen out of the bed. Ah jeez now. We know how you do it. Yeah, he's disgusting. What is that? How's it disgusting there's only savage the best sleeping pill is a good dick sucker Yeah, that's a good or a guy to go jesson. May I don't want to fuck you just let me eat your pussy for Yeah, fall asleep. I'll put you out. That's a passive. It's a pusifier. Yeah, once you shoot a fucking good old load A nice old load. Sometimes you get an old load that makes with a new load Yeah, and it torments you but you don't know what's happening. Yeah, it's like end dust and fresh air. I want a chicken

But now I want roast beef that type of shit. You know what I'm saying like I want a chicken But I bet roast beef that type of shit when you're self-tormented In 1985 I didn't get a piece of pussy for nine months I was walking around like a fucking I didn't know what was going on. I couldn't get arrested. I couldn't do it Nothing. It was the cold spell from like december of 84 Till june of 85. I didn't see a boob. Not a tit and I wasn't doing drugs. See I cleaned up in the coke So I couldn't see when you're an ugly dude. It's only got a big coke rock Oh, good a little piece of monkey

But oh my god right up and I lost my game because that was the closer come back to the room And let's do a couple bumps. That was the closer. That was a deal sealer Yeah, once you do three or four lines, you're gonna do the whole eight ball and at that time It's eight in the morning. You cry about your boyfriend, but you'll suck the horn It don't matter. You at least suck my dick. You know I'm saying don't tell nobody. I'm who am I gonna tell? I'm I'm I'm fucking I'm an FBI agent. I don't say nothing. I'm I'm new. There's whatever a fucking name is I'll suck the horn. Sure third movie title in the morning. It was all it was always percentages Ugly dudes just gotta play a game of percentages. Yeah, but if I could lure you to the nest it was 50

I was gonna get you if you snore the coke. I could bet by like for you. I'll have you licking my nuts like my eighth It was crazy. See Cosby did the same thing, but it was he would drug them and make them fall asleep I wouldn't drug them. They would go by entirely. It was it at that that they weren't voluntarily I'm saying like he did it but forced him and made him. Yeah, he went there with false impressions He said we got him a job, right? Next you know, they were like the nice guy route. Yeah, everybody enjoys cocaine the friendly coke guy The friendly coke guy he was like opposite of Cosby It was a stat and it's even coke and let him cry about their boyfriend

Let me tell you something jasmine. I can't tell you how many time women will come over And look me straight in the face and go before I come over. I just want to tell you nothing's gonna happen I'm happily married And by the end of the night they were choking on your horn and I would play the game I go are you fucking kidding me? I just want to smoke coke with somebody. I'm calling my girl from the god's eye You don't know how many times they call their girlfriends and by the end of the night They both beating each other's pussy It was crazy and I wouldn't be getting invited. I would just sit there and go check off on our tits

Don't touch this fat man. I don't give a fuck I took off on a tits bunny and no no no one of them would lick my nuts as I was crazy I don't give a fuck. I can't tell you how many nights a woman looked me in the face and said I'll do cocaine with you. But don't even think about it. I love my man I've been with him for eight years. That's the woman's way though We'd say it because we think we have it in control. I wouldn't even say nothing They go in the bathroom to pee and then come out and say have I ever showed you my tits? I just got them read and I'd sit there going on that really and that would drive a woman crazy

Oh, yeah, if they don't pay the attention Can I show them to you the kind no no no I don't want to see him. Yeah next year They will show them to you they come in the bathroom and they come out balls ass naked They tell me about how they got a tattoo a Hitler on their pussy and why they went to a fucking german family reunion You know, they don't give a fuck. They will throw themselves Hitler on the pussy, huh? Bro. I work like I'm a lady hysterical how At that point at five in the morning people would just Tell you their whole life like I really like anal

But I don't like when the dick is too and you're looking at them going I just want to get a dick suck and they're like I'll do anal But I don't know I like it really big but not really are you reading for my diary? No, they'll tell you all this shit about I had a girl tell me once I love when guys come fast. I go then you gonna love me Then you got the right you hit the jackpot tonight She goes I've never liked the guy that go over like three minutes. It bothers me. I like it real fast and sweet That's a turn me on really and they just come they would just come clean on their own There was no twisting their arm. It was fucking crazy. That's amazing. I've sat with lee

One night on the corner here. Oh my god. Just like it just came out of me like all those Road stories that now I look back at them and I just Like as a road comic like a filthy male, but male road comics are filthy filthy because you guys clean up House afterwards. What do you mean after you want to get off stage a funny dude? That's so attractive to women But no, no, no, no, it wasn't even that time. No, it was a weird disgusting world back then It was a different era was a feature act. Yeah, all right. So that's the best job in comedy. It is

20 minutes. I get off stage and I hang up creepy by the women's bathroom. Oh, you were funny really? Next thing you know they're swallowing the sword You were funny. You don't know how many ladies in El Paso Swallowing the sword suck my memorable title suck my sword on the tuesday Then come back to the show on friday with their husband introduce me to the husband follow-up title Just crazy shit that It's really crazy out there to digest. It's disgusting. It's despicable What just the

Savage savage act of savagery. It's just yeah, savage. I think I see I disagree. I don't think that's savage I'm always been approved. Like I'll go home the next morning go. What the fuck Happened last night. Like well, I gotta go. I gotta talk to somebody a priest Like that type of craziness. I think approved means that you don't do it I think you do it. Then maybe feel a little remorse. Oh, please. I really feel you got that guilt. Oh Disgusting how we re-raised Catholic like a mother. Yeah, that's right I still think about a girl that was married happily married I saw her at the park with her kids and one night I played her in ping-pong for a blow job and shit

I went to this party and then she's playing ping-pong beating everybody I I waited I waited like a fucking possum And I got there and I ping-ponged her out and she's telling me she likes to suck dick Well, let's play the ping-pong. What are you talking about? I can't I can't even handle you saying ping-pong. It is crazy. I legit can't handle it Like what is this lady thinking today? Does she not remember she lost to somebody in ping-pong and how to suck his dick? Yes, wait who burnt up the bed? Please tell me was he like the the thing it must have been someone must have said

Yeah, who brought the bed up? That's a good question Like it had to be you that was like, all right, if you win No, no, no you get this playing ping-pong mom and then she started talking about something sucking dick. I'm like, oh, listen Let's end the conversation Right. It's five in the morning. We're both coked up. Fuck it. You lose. You suck my dick. Well, she won. What'd she get? Finger your butt. I think I gave her a gram of coke or something like that And I know I wasn't gonna give her a gram of coke if I lost that was meanwhile She doesn't know that's a big name for your dick. Listen, I really hit it with the fucking car

You know me dogs become chasing me and my coke. I'll back into that bitch and boulder They'll blame it on the fucking raccoon. I don't give a fuck jack. How seriously did you take that game of ping-pong? Do we like smacking your face? Listen, I was like, were you like force gum? I was playing to the death. You understand? There was no way I was losing Diving across the table. There was no way I was losing I gotta play that you're gonna send me the best chinese ping-pong player in the fucking world It's gonna be chinese because they fuck people's world out of ping-pong. They fuck everybody's up in everything They fuck people's up and making bottle caps. No, they Chinese people could ping ping pong like a motherfucker

That's because it's their name as well. No, no, no, it's fucking craziness So this day I think about what's that woman thinking? She's got to be 50 like me And she's gotta say I lost a game of ping-pong one time And suck the chubby dudes dick who was like a half-ass comedian at the time Living in his friend's basement. Oh, I think she probably blocks that out. I don't think do people have like thinking about that What if what if what happens is every time she plays ping-pong she ends up sucking dick You imagine can you you gave her like yeah, and she's like, I don't know. I can't I don't know what it is But I can't I I swallow a sword

I used to have a roommate man. He was a creepy guy. He was older than me He's about 70 now and I whenever I go home sometimes he meets me. I give him a bag of stars He's a good dude. He's a really good dude He I was I did when I went first went to do time. I was 28 Man they had to be about 44 42 And man he would get barrels of blow delivered to the house and he would hide them in bank cans And he had a really weird

Friend a circle of friends He had all those girls that are crazy and get naked when they do blow and he was like a cab driver One's name was bubbles. I don't forget that bubbles would suck your dick at four in the morning Have you bumped into bubbles in the house? What else is bubbles gonna do? I know her name was bubbles She's not solving science problems. I lived at this guy But I would I would call him at night. He used to drive a cab So I would call the cab company and go have man. He called me at the house the kitchens on fire And he would call me right away and I go away. Yeah, and he would go I'm getting off work

I'm going to bubbles this house. He's having a party She's having a tick suckin party. So let's say it was like 11 o'clock I would go upstairs and do a couple bumps and take a shower or Listen to music and maybe go out to the balcony. Nobody was gonna be home Unless he didn't have coke with him then he'd have to come home and get a batch to take back But besides that it was just me and him and judge mudge And there was a dude his name was greg mudge Judge mudge. It was a three bedroom house greg mudge

Was a dude that was like a carpet salesman But his grandfather like they controlled the whole city near st. Louis Like the carpet industry? No The law industry. So it was a great grandfather was judge mudge. Oh, he's a good judge This guy used to get coked up and bring portraits of his grandfather like in 1980 They said the original original judge mudge. Oh god. This is judge mudge in 1920. It was crazy dog So judge mudge had a girlfriend he would go to his girlfriend's house on the weekend do blowing get freaky and shit

So it would just be me in the house. So I would time it and many told me he was going to be at jesemay's house I would step stairs to like to jerk off Watch usa night flight. That's an old school show. Yeah, and then about 3 30 I take my car over there when all those chicks were wounded fucking seals All of them were wounded I'd walking like king furuk. I was 20 and filled to come you understand me and everybody was getting yum-yum So I would walk into like where are you coming from and I'd make believe I came from like I was at a party with

Actresses that was at home jerking off like a fucking moulage I was out with fucking nobody and I'd walk in there. They'd be wounded there And I'd pick up the remains The caucuses that were just laying there with their mouth open fish on the back of a shark. It was horrible But every time I went I'd made a new check I'd listen to semi-beaten And I ended up giving her a stab. Oh, no, they give you semi-beaten how they were an artist and They were gonna get a boot that the farmers market, you know, I need this shit. That's great

You know, yeah harvest honey. That's great. You're gonna start the debt to the rest of your life Just suck the pipe so I get home and I got shit to do At what point do you call off the ear beating like it is after like 20 minutes Oh, no, listen, there's no woman that's on the suck your pipe without giving you a little bit of an earbeat Well, we we feel you gotta earn it. Yeah, you gotta earn it. So you gotta take that earbeat and make believe you're interested Yeah, no shit. Wow. How did he get that? Yeah, but what? What if you're there for an hour? Are you still talking to her? No, after 40 minutes more, she's got to take a shirt off

She's got to take her shoes off for some socks. Yeah, collateral's gotta start happening. Listen, it's a little it's a little warm in here Right now take that shirt off. Have you seen my new bra? Oh my god. I shouldn't be showing you. I'm engaged You know the whole fucking thing. It cost me 34 hours of victoriously. Let me see Yeah, no shit. There's a common matching. I'm doing yeah, but I can't show you those. It's Come on. Only my free answer is no Do another blessed I'll show you a free answer. Okay, but you won't tell nobody And actually, you know, they take them off and the pants come off and they're snorted in a bikini

And you're like, what the fuck did I do deserve this? And then you start and then you just know how to do it. Oh, no, then it's like a slow finger Yeah, it's like every 15 minutes. You don't know what's going you put on some music You throw them off. You put a little music on they think it's like You know what? It's as much as from your perspective. Oh, yeah, you know, you know what time it was. Yeah Girls that go into it knowing They know the game everyone likes the dance the dance. Everyone loves the dance

Music on they dance Oh, we don't want it I don't mean to disrespect you, but you really really have some nice breasts. Really you think so Oh, I thought you were telling me. I was like, thank you. And I realized it was a story and I just died inside Don't tell you don't say let me uh, let me uh, I can't tell you that you're like my system. We got no coke The real problem And you want my sister forget about it. I love that earring in your nose. Oh my god What?

It's such a strong feminine figure. Thank you. It's such a Yeah, it's such a strong feminine figure of independence. Oh my god. I can't believe you see that as a man It means so much. You recognize that most men from the east coast don't really see that you're so sensitive Do you want one of your balls in my mouth or both? Oh, but I need to tell them how your mother died I found her in the kitchen. I loved my mother Once you start talking about your mother, it's all over. It's done You got to get them before they start talking about the mom Don't come in my mouth. Listen, my mother raised a gentleman that would never come in your mouth

Bam come in your butthole. Yeah, no, you come everywhere You they always tell you don't come in my mouth. That means my throat is open You know what I'm saying? When they tell you don't come in my mouth. That means my throat is open up next on more Yeah, this is definitely the episode that gets a kick off of my No, what they tell you don't come in my mouth That means don't shoot that fucking bell. You're not a little bell. They're having the back of that throat That's the target if you hit the bell, you get a little doll. I can call over you get 10 tickets It's that type of night, mother fuckers uncle joey coming at your live my girl jesseme peluso and shit

Lisa at 2000 milligrams deep of the stars of death. Look at them. How you feeling? You're going through changes two nights on the road, dog. You're a fucking marine. You understand me? Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's but I here we go. No, no, I'm sorry. I even asked you He's gonna start starting. No, it's his eyes always. I don't want to speak badly that just because people passed away But this week there have been two food Like the the challenges we have to eat a lot of food and that people die from Pancake challenge pancake and doughnut

But those are both like doughy things like you can't I can't even I almost died on a pancake at brunch last week I wasn't even trying to do a challenge. Jesus. I thought it was just a sick day in threes and you wanted to go to a buffet in law People die in threes and this one wants to do something. He wasn't lawful last week. I'm going to a chinese buffet What do you think? Did you do an egg roll challenge? I almost strangled him on the phone You would do an egg roll challenge? I almost strangled him on the phone He was gonna eat chinese food at the grand canyon like any chinese people stayed behind There's a fucking people in disguise with halloween's costumes. You're better off eating sticks from the dirt. Thank god. Lee. Thank god Where's my god deal with you?

But anyway, what else is going on with you? Oh, you know, I'm just living life. I invest in dispensary. So that's opening up in like a month. What is your grand opening? Uh, well the grand opening is going to be a little bit later. We're gonna have all our friends I'm gonna invite you to come by smoke some dope. No, are you gonna be working it too a couple days a week? Uh, if they need me to yeah, but I'll be on I'll be on like the other side for for sure We're gonna do a podcast from there. We have like a little lounge area. We're gonna do a podcast from That's very smart. Yeah, we're excited. We have a nice little backyard with chickens in it and shit Probably chicken shit as well

It's called the flora organica going to be opening probably in like a month or so how they guard chickens Yeah, they are guard chickens guard cocks if you will Wait, we put like uh Spike collars around their necks and we train them to peck people right in their dicks What made you want to open up a dispensary? Well, I've been working with bite honey bear farms for a while like I met them Uh, probably like over a year ago and we just were friends hanging out and then one day They asked if I wanted to be a partner and I was like, fuck. Yeah I want to you know, you got to diversify and stretch out and

Take risks diversify diversify Tony Montana Yeah, fuck. Yeah So we just uh, it just worked out. It was just like, you know synergistic How it all came together. Thank you. You're making the movement. Yeah making the move and I saw you on High high court. Wasn't it fun? It was fun. It was fun. It was fun Blasted people were because I only took like on the show it only looked like I took one hit from the from the bong But they don't realize like in the green room. Everyone's fucking around. We're all smoking No, I saved myself for the fucking kill. I saved myself. I was ripped. I fuck around

You know, I was getting anxiety sitting there smoking. Yeah, that's why I was like I was really going through something I just smoked it right through my fucking through it. It was terrible. My throat was hurt. Yeah, I got dry mouth Yeah, yeah, it was fucking weird. I was blasted. I started dancing in the back It's amazing that Doug got that show on the air like that's your show you crazy It's crazy. It's 2017. It's 2000 motherfucking 17 judge show on the air that they smoked dope They smoked up and it's called the high court. It's not even like an innuendo for 15 fucking minute on air on air You have to really think about your futures in america. Yeah, and even though the dea says it's illegal and the whole thing It don't get like the show is on the fucking it's on the air and the fact that even marijuana like that we're in this

Scenario is so crazy like look at what alcohol has done to people for years and will continue to do to people How many people die with alcohol related deaths? It's it is like an epidemic Well, I said on the podcast last night or I said on the periscope that I read somewhere That all the we all the states that have medical marijuana or something like that emergency opioid Things are down and I always said that I always said, you know what man? It's a transfer of addiction, but I'd much rather you smoke dope. Fuck. Yeah over opiates Oxycone. Yeah, people are dying left and right. That's a depth epidemic right now for sure

So look at heroin that oh, I know I owe the heroin problem I mean, you know, I don't know how many people are dying daily And it's so weird the logic behind it you go away for 30 days to a rehab right and they put you on other drugs No, you come on that rehab and you go to shoot What you were shooting before you went to that rehab it's like if I come down Like I'm allowed to eat edibles on Easter Sunday That's when the egg is going to hatch and that's when Jesus comes out of the hole That's when I eat a fucking edible. Do you understand? Yeah. Yeah

So what I'm going to do is If you think I'm going to eat 2 000 edibles right off the bat, I will have a heart attack my heart Of course won't go that it won't and that's what really happened to me last week in that dream room I brought some weed back with me That was so fucking strong to the high court. No, it's a fucking nyac. Oh nyac to levity real and I had dry I put on my weed in front of a dryer. Is this when you were tired too? Yes, see that is those two combined was fucked up. Yeah How am I gonna dry?

I put it in the bag in front of a heater Yep, and I said my wife comes and tapes the bottom down She's like no more I could smell the weed all over the house And I granulate that shit and I smoke it in bombs or in pipes on the road. I'll roll it But on the road, I'll cut it with a scissor and put it in there in chunks Yep, and I'll on on I get fucking yeah I got so lit in that green room. My heart was beating and you were exhausted already I was white you just weren't you're you're all your levels were just

Discombobulated you were all mixed up. So after this flight this week next Thursday. I gotta go to hit acupuncture I've never done that. Maybe I had acupuncture Wednesday. I'll be honest on the fucking west side Because that decombobulates me back. Yeah, because I've been going for 10 years So now it's very easy for her to align things. You've been going acupuncture acupuncture I started it's going to be 10 years this november that I haven't snored a coke And I went to her a year before I got off the blow. So it'll be 11 years. I'm dealing with that's impressive Bro, I'm the type of do loyalty when somebody does a good job and they treat me right. That's why I still go to chans That's why I still go to rudies. Yeah, I don't disrespect them. I won't eat

No other chinese food to disrespect in the area, right? You know when I was a kid It was rudies or fucking the other one. I forget And for years people would fucking argue about it. I didn't give a fuck I didn't give a fuck of 18 year old girls. I'm not at the other place I went to rudies. I'm one of those dudes, man. I don't give a fuck when the food's good And you take care of me. I'll keep coming back. Yeah, that's the way it should be. Yeah, I think so but Acupuncture makes you relaxed

That night. I'll sleep like a baby That night. I want to try it. Yeah, it's interesting stuff when I do the cupping To move your blood around I do the whole fucking thing, man Does that hurt? Is that the cut the ones that you have the welts on your back? Yeah, does that hurt? No The one there's some points that when she pulls them off you feel it off your nut No off your back, but you don't uh You don't really now you get used to them, you know, I gotta try that I went somewhere and I had pulled the forum I was fucking around

Doing something with kettle bells and I fucked up And I went to do radio somewhere and they were gonna have a team there that works on the nfl team It was charlotte And the guy came in and he goes, let me show you how we do it with this they cup you And then they move it around to loosen them up. It was fucking brilliant Like what they do with that stuff So they use heat to like To make the pressure the cup is like me squeezing you

It it's it's like it's in spanish called paico. Come here. Give me your arm It's it that's what i'm doing to you basically because you're getting the you're like Tomorrow morning you'll wake up and go joey fucking bruise my arm What they do is they and then I just start sucking digs that suction Gets like little things that gets your blood circulate. That makes sense. Like when I went to dr. Amy. I was probably At that point maybe 370 And my ankles were swollen. She goes, that's the first thing we're gonna work on because that's all basically Acupuncture is about a circulation. Yeah and keeping all the less nobody smokes more cigarettes than the chinese

But they have less cancer than we do when you drive and you see some dude at the park That dude smokes more like a chimp. The tai chi guy. Tai chi gets oxygen to all parts of your body Yeah, that creates cancer when you don't give up a party about the oxygen. Yeah, that's right So it's really interesting like all these little things that Listen, you have insurance use it I mean some americans don't have dick and that breaks my fucking heart I know if a lot of people don't but a lot of people join the unions or grandfathers then, you know And there's so many little things in your insurance that you're eligible for like you get gym memberships

Like if you get a chiropractor once a month, yep, that means they'll approve acupuncture once a month I gotta look into my insurance, man. Don't you have screen actors? No, I go through a blue shield I was gonna do is this is screen actors guild one good. It's good, but you gotta earn every year Yeah, see that's the thing gotta earn every year. What's that? What's good? Now you have a goal now You know, I gotta earn 33 grand a year or mama don't can't get her pussy will look that yeah doctor You know saying there's no fucking stirrups. Yeah, they sent me the form But I already had all their insurance. I just kept it because you'll have that insurance and once you're in

For 10 or 15 years You have insurance for life like I'm all the time I didn't know for one or two I got everything except. Oh, shit. You rolling at level two. Yeah. Oh fuck for win for life You got that gold card the gold card. That means that means I can't go to a rehab and I can't get glasses That's it. I could still go for my dental I love that we're like, oh, you got that gold card. That means I just can't get glasses Level one level one by now. You're probably gonna make 40 grand a year. Yeah, and that gets you a rehab mental health

And something glasses But you're still paying three bills for glasses. I'm a I'm a drunk with bipolar disorder. I'm blind Yeah, they still bring you out for glasses like all that shit. You get like 30 hours off of glasses, you know Like that that's just bullshit every time I go for glasses. You drop 400. It's fuck. I've never it's fucking I don't need glasses man. I went with you at 42. Oh, especially now the age is gonna go down because of computers That's you think that you think computers are making us more blind. I think that if if as a natural adult What what age I started losing my sight at maybe 44 Now I'm gonna tell you something. I could see a red light from eight miles away

I was one of those dudes when I was snorting below You couldn't get anything past me. I could see through a fucking wall But I always had 20 20 miles like a straight eight miles or like a hilly one When I was a kid I'd go to the eye doctor and cry one yeah, it's curvy I'd be real impressed when I was a kid I'd go to the eye doctor and cry for him to give me glasses And he's like you got 20 20 vision be happy. I'm like I need glasses I'm telling you no, you don't And so I always had 20 20 vision when you turn about 44

Shit starts fucking me. You're like way Oh man And then you it really starts going like it really like if you leave the house without glasses you're fucked So what you do is You go to the doctor And you get one pair of glasses, but you sit on them and you fuck them up Like I almost sat in your glasses just earlier $300 and then you go for a second pair and now they're 350

And one day you go on the tj max and they sell a whole package of 10 for 42. Yeah, they do because it doesn't matter You're just gonna break them. Yeah, fuck it. I stepped on mine in the whole time room last week Looking for him. I stepped back What I gave to my wife the crazy girls because I can't save these I fucking leave I got them in the shitter I got a pair in my car and a pair in the trunk just in case you have a pair in the bathroom You have to yeah, because sometimes you go in the bathroom You got your phone in your pocket and all of a sudden you want to check your tweets You gotta be there for 20 minutes. Yeah, and all of a sudden you don't have your glasses. Do you take 20 minute shits?

No, no, no, who the fuck knows how long how long you think you're taking? I'm a fast guy. I'm too. I'm in and out Today I sneezed at the hypo at the psychotherapist and a little fart came out I had to run find for my dog and open up the door and she still took a whiff of it. I felt so bad One time when I weighed 400 pounds. I went to dr. Waxler And I was laying in the bed and they gave me one of those hard things And they said you can get up now and the doctor went to pull me and as I got out A fart slipped out of my ass and everybody looked at each other and I stood in front of the door And nobody could get out and I'm asking them stupid questions. So how long does this headache last?

And I'm like, well, we don't know. Let's get the chart. Wait, wait before you leave Let me ask you another question This podcast is brought to you by helix sleep night after night two people laying in the same bed But when it comes time to buy new mattress only one gets their way until now Introducing helix sleep where you can buy mattresses online Customized for both of you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands Go to helix sleep.com. You answer a few questions right based on four key preferences And the result will be a custom sleep profile

Used to build you the most comfortable mattress you'll ever ever sleep on your mattress will arrive at your door in about a week And shipping 100 free and for couples helix customizes each side of the mattress Personalized to suit each of your bodies and the way you both sleep Helix customers report a 30 improvement in overall sleep quality. You have 100 nights to try it out And if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for a free and give you a hundred percent refund No questions asked. That's why everyone from gq to forms are talking about helix sleep. Do me a favor This is a mother's day present. This is the father's day present Go to helix sleep.com slash joey and get $50 off your order. All right

That's helix sleep.com slash joey And get $50 off your order again helix sleep.com Slash joey. Let me give some shout outs my man louis vela bobby sharron joshua jakeb ricky ravioli. Are you kidding me or what? chris hellbell jakeley bodin matt mavin sam sikoli and savage Cold I don't know what the fuck your name is. This is you or me. Who the fuck?

That's not me Don't make me strangle mine's off. You know what i'm saying? Yeah, i'm a professional These are these people That shit is shot out People hitting you up No, no, no, they're not gonna need me Thursday night. So I'll be on that fucking plane with joe joe rogan. That's right buff to buffalo new york

I'm the first thing i'm gonna do is get a beef on wick. I think Thursday night. If I get it in time I'm gonna go see steve renize easy at helium Do 10 minutes. That's a great club. Fuck. Yeah, and then eat a fucking beef on wick. You gotta go to that bar right there I don't know. I don't need no bars. I go get a beef on drawbridge There's a bunch of things I stay out of at night. You understand me drawbridge bars. Yeah, I don't go nowhere at night I'm an old man. Yeah, I'm still a night creeper. I like to get up in those dark corners Fucking bother me taking pictures of two. Yes. It is kind of annoying. So that's it. Especially after you perform Yeah, you just want to eat and chill. That's it and hang out with a friend. It's not gonna work. So I just go to the hotel room

It's okay. Yeah, I have a joint. I have some hot chocolate in the lobby Hot chocolate in the lobby. Fuck. Yeah, so sugar free from the fucking little german family I do it right though. I do it right. I ain't got time for fun and fucking games, you know what I'm saying From that little german family What else has been going on with you? You've been touring touring. Yeah, so you're going to new york next week I'm gonna be in new york. I'll be in bananas. All right. No, but you just doing sets around the city I'm doing I'm taping comedy knockout This week and then I'm taping a new show next week

Okay, and then I have bananas on april 7th and 8th. So you'll be in new york for how long two weeks? Nice time of the year. It's a great time to be in new york Stand up in harlem for the first couple days and then probably down in chelsea area I like to be central so I can get everywhere everywhere all my old spots me I don't like to move around when I'm in new york. I not yeah, I grew up there I seen all the spots I go to jimmy and norton whatever jimmy show with with the dude right outside They got gyros. They got sabred hot dogs. They got the dude right there. They got the deli down the corner I hopped back in that oob. I take it right back to the ferry and you go across over the river zip magoo

I'm in the fucking uh, we hawking. I take a nuba to the hotel and I have you stay in jersey Yeah, you're stomping grounds. Yeah. I want there's a cuban restaurant down the corner of delivers I don't make no misunderstanding Yeah, I roll around a bit and if I go up that hill like last week I stayed in nyak and it was great I got great food delivered to the hotel It was a great week. I love that. I love that levity club. You like it too. I loved it. I fell in love Staff everything about it is stellar. It is food was good food is good. The food is good. They're good. It was great I love that. That's my new fucking favorite joint. It's a great club. I first looked at the ceilings

I'm like, fuck this ceilings are hot. Yeah, and you worried about the sound and like how I was gonna travel It's a beautiful room. They've got it set up good Saturday night. I told you some kid got hit in the head with a bottle He told me that yesterday fucking tremendous tremendous He said it was the best night of his life. Best night of his life. He got hit in the head. It was his birthday Best night of his fucking life That's a set there's savages. Let me tell you what happened Saturday night. That really doesn't happen a lot But when it happens, it throws you off like it hurts my feelings when it happens. Okay Every show is great Saturday night final show you got to get hyped. You gotta get this is the first one that sells out

These motherfuckers been waiting for you. They drove six hours I go up there. Everything's rocking and rolling, but at about the 18 minute mark There's a guy that's just talking And just talking Like then the first show there was a girl when the check came she giggled That's what I could deal with. Yeah, okay, and I don't usually say anything bad This guy kept going. I mean after I'd say every joke Wesley He was talking to you. Yeah, like like

And he was being annoying people are looking at me and I'm listening to this guy and finally at the 42 minute mark He started the 18 minute mark. Yeah, and he just went and you didn't do nothing I just you're just chilling it if you if you give them attention because then you got to do it You got to get into it. I just I just stopped and I go do me a favor, bro Stop it and I went to say a joke and he talked again And I said dog, please and I said they gotta go listen The next time I gotta ask you to fucking leave And the room got silent and that's it. You just lost the battle. You yeah, you just lost the battle

Yes, but for some reason I go hate none of you guys got my back And now they all went bananas. Yeah, and the guy sat there glaring at me all fucking pissed off all night Embarrassing his wife embarrassing the couple he came with and I understand you listen to the podcast But that gives you no right to act that way right because this isn't the podcast It's like me going to your fucking job and hitting you with a needle one one time on the top of every minute On the most important part where you where you're trying to the game of operation I would say a punchline and he'd be like asking a stupid question You're gonna smoke reefer the night joey. You're gonna are you gonna hang out joey? Are you gonna what the fuck?

We'll get a baby, you know, like I finally answered one time. I go now I got a 545 flight. I gotta get the fuck out. He's like, we'll get a baby. So I go listen That's the problem with americas. I really got a baby. So Then when the kid shows up with my lo you're not police at your door You wonder what happened where did my parenting skills go wrong? Well, you know, you got a baby said the baby said it sucked His dick and he liked it. Yep. So now what the fuck you're gonna do and the guy's name was chuck So chuck the fuck chuck the fuck. Well, so I don't know if the guy liked that He kept making little fucking remarks like he was like Ed McMahon, but it was I don't mind getting heckled

This guy wasn't heckled see that's the thing like it was a big it's interrupting It was a little it's like when you try to fall asleep and somebody leaves the radio on yes That's the best way to describe it. Yep. And it's not loud at all. But you hear all the commercials. Yes. Do you slip in your tub? You know call 1 800 don't slip no more social security packages are discovered 2 300 empire You can hear that as a soft Like I don't mind that night. I like the sound of a fan I like when I go to a hotel. I put it on high and I hear the fans. Yeah, but that's different than like actual conversation

Then that it was just a little chatter and there was just stupid questions But the fact that it was to you is brazen You know what? I mean like some people are just talking and being Interruptive to each other, but when he's talking to you, that's crazy. It was crazy. But that's crazy every once in a while you have those type of shows I When I was a feature act I used to go off for no reason and there's still a tape of me going off Opening up for rogan in Ontario. Maybe 12 years ago. Yeah that people hated me for because the guy There's times that there's a performer on stage at that time. Joe Rogan was on fear factor

And let me tell you what used to happen. Oh god, I can't even imagine we're going back 2000 Joe Rogan was on fear factor. He was a very good looking guy Mm-hmm So What happens you've been in relationships before that's very presumptuous when you go to your boyfriend and go. Hey, honey I want to go see Ryan Reynolds naked. No, I want to go see John Stamos fucking a goat. No, I want to go see some

You know like when remember for a while these fucking good-looking guys got into bands and shit like like yeah, like good-looking Uh Let's say like gala. I'm just throwing this out. Yeah. Yeah, like Gavin Rosdale. So you come to me, right? I'm 26. I know fweights. I do steroids. You know, I love you You know, I love you. My mother's gonna love you. Okay, and one day at dinner you go. Guess what? I got his tickets to go see John Bon Jovi So I like Bon Jovi. I love Bon Jovi since day one, but now in my demented Self-esteem low self-esteem mind. I popped the question. Do you like Bon Jovi? No, I don't like Bon Jovi

So all of a sudden in my demented head, you ever even deal with somebody that jealous I was that jealous. So I know exactly how this works When you're that type of jealous and all of a sudden now even though I like Bon Jovi. I fucking love Bon Jovi I fucking hate Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi's a puke. Okay. Fuck Bon Jovi last week We were listening to say goodbye when I was sucking a dick in the car now. You don't like Bon Jovi all of a sudden Yeah, this guy came to a Joe Rogan show hating Joe Rogan Sitting with a mug because his wife was like, yes Joe Rogan. Yep in love. So I go up. I'm just a shitty fat fuck You know, and I'm trying to be cute. It's Joe Rogan show. Yep. It's the fear factor. I'm not gonna go up there and be witty

I'm not gonna win them over. I'm just killing fucking time and practicing new material Right This guy just started heckling He started heckling Fuck you and Joe Rogan, man. Fuck you and Joe Rogan. The poor girl was turning pink This poor girl from the AIDS he gave her. No, I'm the fucking embarrassment. Yeah From the fucking embarrassment because this guy's just so he's such an insecure twat and I've been there Everyone I know what it's like when your girlfriend says I'm going to see the partridge family. You like fucking the partridge family

You like fucking Donnie Osmond. You want to in the sixth grade? I was in love with a girl She liked Donnie Osmond Every time she put the osmonds on I'd cry in the corner like a pussy and throw a fit What are your chances of meeting Donnie Osmond? You're a fat fucking chicken to jersey. You know what I am? What was I thinking? You know, she wasn't a fat fucking chick. She was hot but at that age In my fucking world every time I heard the fuck I love the osmonds I love the osmonds when I was one bad apple don't spoil a whole bunch of girls

I can't with you. I don't care what they say. I don't care what you heard that one bad apple It was dumb against the jacksons jack It was it was the osmonds against the jacksons for a while for was it really? Yes for what like well Like it was the jacksons put on abc bro Donnie, do me a favor put the video on put on abc And I'm back put on one bad apple From Donnie and Marie Osmond. Yeah, watch what the fuck do you think they became famous because she's a fat fucking gotta talk

She on the daytime They were famous when you were an itch in your daddy's pants Put on abc by the jackson five This is why it was the fucking jacksons. Oh, yeah, I gotta teach a whole fucking generation abc is no joke But listen, no, listen, I don't know about the Donnie Osmond. I'm gonna fucking. I'm gonna give it to you right now They had beef on the streets. Just listen to this. All right, why talk when you can listen You ever think of that why talk just put the fucking thing on watch Watch abc listen to abc for three minutes

Do you not find the fucking song speed that up a little bit mtv jams There you go. Kick it up This is what oh shit Listen to this Never never do it Listen to the voice Put on one bad apple By Donnie Osmond

All the osmonds or whatever the fuck comes up Okay I gotta give these youngsters an you're in 2000 milligrams of fucking edible trying to do this shit Not live one bad apple The osmonds but all right that yeah, that one's right there click that one right there whatever the fuck that was unbelievable what I gotta do One bad apple the osmonds Oh my god, even the outfit put on the second all right put on the first one. Yes, I could see

Listen to the song listen to the fucking song. All right I'm gonna I'm gonna schooling you motherfuckers. What's what was going on? Watch Yeah I can tell you've been hurt. Uh, uh, listen to it dog But this is not that's the ugly osmonds. Yeah, you need love, but you're afraid that if you look at these mormons They were mormons someone else will come along The little one is Donnie, right? You see him Oh

You This is what you missed. This is what nobody saw Look at that cute motherfucker. What when that bitch came to town you suck that mormon dick Remember on that show on that music show on HBO when they signed them Remember that music show listen My head is loud This guy's terrifying You won't give me a chance

He looks like a human worm I think I'm still a jackson. Okay. I need go back to I want you back by the jackson five get the video of them singing I never knew this mother fuckers don't know nothing about nothing. That's what the church and what's happened now is giving you Is giving you a fucking do you ain't gonna learn this shit in school? I had no idea. There's beef put on I want you back. It was not a beef. It's a beef. No, it was it was not a beef. It was called Guy right there right there I have to pee my pants Look at them black people in capes. That's when you know it's gonna look at this shit

Now watch this Are you fucking kidding me? This was american 1970 this is 1969 They had never seen nothing like this Speed it up a little bit So you can see the brother jermaine see that see the one with not not yet not yet I Don't think it compares watch but watch the style you're gonna see right now

Speed it up a little bit Don't worry about my comparison. See the brother in the back with the blue shirt. Yeah, right there go go Watch here we go Okay See they patterned the same thing. Yeah watch I'm watching The other brother would sing That's the one that left the jackson five

married berrigordy And that's why there was no more jackson five that guy he left He stayed with motown and the jacksons left motown As a family and fucking jermaine stayed and married berrigordy's daughter Oh, shit, and he put out a solo which was a disaster and the jacksons became the jacksons and what they did was They had another younger brother who played the bongos. Yeah, and they put him in the band and that's there That's how the jackson became but I have a question Now the osmonds what time do they come around they came around right there

They were neck and neck so a little while but then michael jackson over I mean obviously but donnie's I didn't know I did a voice like that dog But when he turned it changed 13 the game changed his voice changed so america gave them a tv variety show Did you know yeah, I remember that show the donnie and re show for every friday nights? Yeah, I mean i don't remember it, but I know it was let this girl's house and just sit there While she watched donnie osmond with her grandmother and mother and faggy brother They would watch the fucking osmonds. He wasn't gay. I mean he was just a fucking nerd too Because you know, I wasn't into the osmonds. I'm not gonna sit here and watch these fucking mopes

But these people cuban they embarrass me, you know what i'm saying? But at that time I wasn't fucking I was just dry humping it You're only dry humping. That's it pant cum. That's it pant cum and we just sit there and look at each other and make believe We just said we put on earth wind and fire And you did in your pants would catch on fire and I dry hump out of that to the whole album of uh, that's the way Fuck yeah, I used to bust her zipper every day. You know what I'm saying? Never did I see one time I saw her titties in all those years and I never even went for a monkey. I was so counter I was very satisfied just dry humping. I get a little dizzy. Oh my god

And that was it that my stepfather caught her in the closet one time and that was the end of that In your like legit closet or like yeah my closet almost a homosexual closet Yeah, my closet my stepdad came home my stepdad knew he opened up the things he was sitting there topless He's like tell him put his shirt on then both of you can get the fuck out How old are you? Maybe 12. Oh, that's so cute That's so cute pant coming at 12. She broke My fucking soul. Of course she did. She didn't break my heart. She broke my soul

Yeah, I broke me for three or four years Until you were 15 it would know like she broke me at 12 Broke me like I got my back like it was fucked up. I couldn't go to summer school I couldn't think all I I stopped going to karate. I stopped playing basketball It was my first love. It was just I was just brutal and we got caught playing hooky We would play hooky every day after for the second session We would go to school from nine to 12 and then go to shop, right? We would steal hubba bubba

And then go hubba bubba's back and confess our love to one another. Oh my god We were gonna run away Like we're gonna bust out like bon Jovi. That's why that album always reminds me because everybody from new jersey We'll bust out together. What was her name? New yorker New yorker. New yorker. She was cuban n u i r k a nuke nuke and she was gorgeous. Oh my god banging Indian cuban like yeah, uh, american beautiful skin tone cuban. Yeah And it's fucking crazy. We dated flowers

I was in love with and then my mother fucking called her mother a whore and Called her a whore and spanish and that was the end of me dry hopin her and shit I couldn't no more pant come after you call him a punta but then two years later We were friends We were fucking, you know friends you guys would go for coffees. No, no, there was no coffee in those days We rode up bicycles and played you and fucking got the ice. Oh look who woke up and just

I hated her fucking brother. I fucking hated him and he hated me But we all hung out with the same clan so he would can never really do nothing to me And one day I had this bicycle my friend valentine used to steal bicycles and redo them And he used to go take this bicycle take it for a ride. Let me know what you think And I would come back and go. It's not a bad bicycle. We got to fix the fucking tire pressure You got to put a little oil on the chain And he'd go okay, whatever So one day I'd take a bicycle from him. I go, uh, he goes take this bicycle

Let me know how it feels when you shift And as I was going down and I go valentine the The steering wheel is not right and he goes, don't worry Just just you're only going to go to char's court and back. I go right. I'm just gonna go to char's court So I go to char's court, which is the street over Charles court is a circular street. Yeah, they call this a cul-de-sac. Yeah, cul-de-sac It didn't close off. You could just make a circle in the middle. It was a an island Sword and there was two houses that were back to back to each other

So we were I dropped a bicycle on the bottom of the island like on the middle of the island And we were playing stickball like over here by by dean lapreet's house. It was sabatino And this kid named john progay. Well, I just did an interview of the ice man That was the guy the ice man's helper. Yeah, mr. Softy truck his kids were all playing And york was there with a bunch of other girls and we just do you know what what 12 year olds do Yeah, you know in new jersey we play stickball and other girls are playing nobody was into pussy then We were just starting to like pussy and whatever and she picked up the 10 speed Right now i'm over here playing stickball and I see her pick up the 10 speed

And i'm doing new yorker be careful with the fucking steering wheel So she grabs onto the steering wheel and she comes up the hill and she's pedaling up towards me I never forget that she's pedaling up top Well, she took the bike from like a corner and she went by me Yeah So we went the other way of the island to catch her. I kept saying new york had watched the fucking steering wheel Me and they three of my buddies like new yorker watched the steering wheel You know when somebody steals your bicycle? Yeah the goof on you. She did that as one of that

She didn't know it was fucked. She didn't know it was fucked So she gets on and she's also she takes the turn and she's going downhill We're coming from this way like this and i'm yelling that new york has stopped the bicycle New york has stopped the bicycle new york has stopped the bicycle the fucking steering wheel And she's giggling the whole way she and we're like new york has stopped the bicycle And she went to turn away from us. Oh god, and she went over the fucking steering wheel All right, bam banged up. She got up, you know We carried her up. She was fine

We talked to her for a while. I was just really stressed out. Oh my god her grandmother story really stressed me out Oh, you have no fucking idea I thought she I pictured her careening over a cliff. We all said our goodbyes and went home at seven o'clock to eat dinner at our own homes The next day I go to school eight and i'm one of the teachers are waiting to be outside. Do you hear the news? New yorker had a blood clot in the brain They're in intensive care. She might not make the day From her falling on the bicycle. I lived with that till this day I did not push her off the bike. I did not go for she didn't hear us and when she went to turn away from us

She went over the front handler bars I mean, it was bad. It was like she was telling the mother open up the windows. My grandfather wants me Open up the windows. She was saying that. Yeah, they were crying in the room and she like to see my grandpa He wants me to come with him. She said she could see her grandfather. It was fucking horrible Oh my god. So at the end of the school day, we all went over to the house and then you know, they got out of intensive care She's gonna be in a coma for a while, but she's gonna make it induced coma. Like, I don't know I don't remember. It was like this fucking. I was in the eighth grade I was in the

eighth grade and she was a freshman Okay, because I got left back. Yeah So I went over there every day and bought a goldfish. She liked goldfish after they shaved the head Oh my god. Let me tell you how good looking this bitch was With a shaved head in 1970 fucking seven just rocking it. She still wanted the homecoming. Yeah queen freshman I'm sure she was she was just Gorgeous. I had gone crazy. Like I was out of my league

She didn't even tell me I can't kiss you in front of the other people We used to just walk home together and go behind a wall and make out and I dry hump her up against the wall and shit So we never dated again, you know that we don't bad feeling. Did she recover? She recovered and then that was when I was in the eighth grade And she was a freshman and I'd see her at the high school and I'd say hello and we were still kind of friendly and And one day my mom dies. I think she comes to the wake And then like a year or two later. I'm living at the bender's house. And I'm a junior in high school And one sunday night. Mr. Bend. I hear the doorbell ring. Mr. Bender goes there's a girl out there. She wants to talk to you

I go outside. It's nicky arisa Fucking she's a 12 now Yeah, you know, like I never at that point. I was into other girls the heartbreak was done Of course, I would see her and not really look at it and I go. What's going on? And I looked at the tits and they were ginormous. She hit the side of the head That controls the growth of your tits So her tits in high school seen a year were mountains And it all she hit the side of her head that control

This is the craziest can someone punch me in that on my way out But she also fucked her up because she was as Catholic as I was obviously that's how we were dry on me Right. I mean the day she I sucked the titty. She cried for four days And those days that was the last thing on your mind That you were gonna suck your tits when you were so into Catholic But let me tell you something bro. She's looked me straight in the face And it was like three weeks away from the senior prom And she goes cocoa. I need a big favor from you

And she like we never had sex And she looked me straight in the face because I need a big favor from me. She goes, I don't have a date for the senior prom She goes me and my boyfriend broke up. I'm not in the mood of getting a boyfriend She goes if you take me to the senior prom I will make it worth your while. I will fuck your fucking bra. I mean She went from a girl that didn't even talk that way To like knowing how to talk that way like I will fuck your fucking brains out. You will fucking come to that And it was so intimidating. I was like, I'll call you in a week and I just had the door

I went in that jerk door like the field went away and I never called her again. You never did. Fuck. No That's how prudish I was at that time. Like she's scared. It could also Fuck out of me But you know when people say they don't want to meet their idols or their heroes because they're gonna be disappointed It could have been bad. Maybe it was better. You didn't know if anybody was gonna be bad If anybody's gonna be bad lacking in the sex department, it's gonna be me at that I would just get excited and come all over myself and run home. You never called her again I was she petrified. Joe. You gave her a fucking brain injuries at the least you could have done was fisted the girl

Seven years ago I was talking to a friend of mine. She goes, that's who I saw and I go who she was nicky Like how's she doing? She goes she definitely doesn't want to talk to you I go really listen. She goes co-co. I was there that day. You didn't do anything wrong. You went You were yelling at her. She was giggling. She didn't hear you guys And she went over the steering wheel. She goes, I was there. I knew how you felt. I knew how you reacted I always felt bad about it. But I tried to friend her on facebook She pretty much told me go fuck myself. I actually sent her a message and I heard you bumped into my friend lisa

You know, I constantly think of you, you know, I know her mom had died and I sent the note, you know But what have the people uh look at things? I mean they hang on to things and do them from a certain way I heard over the years. She just went off the deep. Yeah A lot of beautiful girls tend to she went off the deep end. So I always live with that that Jesus fucking christ like it wasn't your fault You know, you couldn't it's one of those life moments where people make a choice and it puts them on a path And you could have you know, a leaf could have fallen a different way and something else would have happened differently It's just that those little

You know life's trajectories is very they're very complicated and where they end up is out of our hands It's amazing the shit that happens as we grow up in the relationship we have when you yeah, it's crazy And you think back to them there's a girl on facebook that i'm dying to say something You should do it if you feel it in your gut, you should why can't what's the worst that's going to happen if you My thing is if you have something like that where there's an emotion behind the desire You should do it. She told me her mother died I went over the house to give her a stab and we were like in the eighth grade We played see why old basketball and she played she was a cheerleader

You sound like a goat You sound like you're haunting the podcast She was a cheerleader at the holy rosary She went to holy rosary academy and I went to st. Michael's I played for st. Michael's automatically That made them cheerleaders and she was a cute little redhead with freckles irish shake the ones I like Oh, they're they're rabid. I love those motherfuckers. They're wild. But again, you know, you're just dry humping knees We were 13 you're looking earlobes and no we were like holding hands and going to movies. That's cute. I was doing that too I was cute. We meet on wednesdays and get a slice of pizza. Yeah

And we sit and do our homework together go to the playground swing on the swing set She didn't have that devious mind and I didn't have it And then one night at that early age, we started talking on the phone about it And you just said, okay, maybe tomorrow I'll come by your mother's by your house and she goes, okay And I it snowed and we had a snow day and I had to wait like an hour for the bus to go down And I was all excited and I walk in there and we're bullshit And all of a sudden I go can I ask you a question what times your father go home? She goes my father gets home late about five more times your mother comes. She goes, I don't have a mother my mother died

My dick went into my nut sack. Not only do I not want to dry her up. I had never Oh, that just got me hard. I actually had never heard death gets me hard like at that age I had never heard nobody's mother died right being that young when you need your mom. Yeah, you're like what did you do? Yeah For your mother. Yeah, you must have done something terrible like a week later. We actually had sex You did and then I dumped her for this girl mcneal Oh, I couldn't take it. You know, you know how you feel about the handlebars This girl probably no idea. She's probably thinking about this is a girl. You want a message you? Yeah, you got a message This is this is horrible. You need you should put her on the podcast. No, you don't know what he wants to say to her

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You ready? Yeah Oh god when I wake up at three in the morning that night and go downstairs and find my mother dead on the floor Yeah, what do you think the first thing that popped in my mind was her calling I didn't forget like a high tree that I looked her up on facebook. She's on facebook It's taking me about a year to even message her You still haven't No, I don't have the heart to I don't know what made me do that at that age

I still feel guilty about something You know, but everyone like that I had a kid call me kevin kevin harp was somebody I was in love with Black kevin white kevin harp. I acted black like all the white guys I grew up with now. Where'd you grow up? Syracuse new york. Okay. Yeah. How old are you now? I'm 34. You're a young girl Yeah, so well, how old were you the first time you had sex 16 and was it for some of you were in love with? No, it was it was against my will Really? Yeah, okay. That's not bad either. Yeah, you know now as an adult, you know, it's kind of fun But as a teenager it's not the most fun

What was the first time you had sex with some of you loved in high school? You were a cheerleader. He was a fucking organ player You know, I didn't probably not until I was like 19 It took a while to kind of figure all that shit out. Did you get off? Did you was a tough heartbreak? Yeah, the first one. Oh, yeah, is it tough for women also like I think well the problem with women is like after we Have sex usually we just if we like you then we want to be with you all the time You know, it's like that bonding chemical that is released into us because nature wants us to be with you So we can rear a child and have a baby and do what we're

You know genetically meant to do it's very difficult for women to break away from that So I think you know if you if you sleep with the guy if you fuck him You're just like, okay. Well, I guess I'm this is it. We need to build a hut and have children and I should You know grow wheat and he can go out and hunt. That's like what's in our mind That's when you were 19. Do you ever think of where is he? I talked to him still. Okay. Yeah friends Really good friends. Yeah He was the first guy probably one of the only guys I dated that treated me the way I deserve to be treated Why'd you guys break up? I moved to new york to pursue comedy

Yeah, it was he upset. Yeah, we try to stay in touch, you know We try to make that work, but I I just fell in love with comedy It was the first that was my second love, I guess, you know, and I just devoted myself to that And he tried to you know come visit me, but you know how you're on the grind you're just What do I tell this girl on facebook? I think this is 1977 That song pegged by by uh, steeley dan was still makes you think of her and her sister's name was pegged Yeah, and her and her and her sister were fucking knockouts. Why don't you send her the link of the video? I can't do that. Yes, you can because that meant I loved the sister

That the only reason why I think of a big when I hear peg is because that was she might make her laugh No, she's married now. Like I went on facebook and checked around. She's married. She has an autistic kid. Oh I think you need to send her something you think I do because you oh who cares? You know, it probably would it would like it was a complete do she fucking move Watch me say this and then she just sends a burning bag of shit to one of your comedy shows Like like 10 days after that whole thing went down. I went down there with the And I think I we we messed around in like an alleyway like I busted her up in an alleyway Like and then I fucking walked her home. She cried a little bit. I called her the next day

And then I went to a party and I hooked up with this girl And I called her and I was like, I can't uh I told I was going to basketball camp and I wouldn't see her all summer and So you at least you said something to her you had to it. So it's not that bad I think you're riddled with guilt about shit. I think you're riddled with guilt and it's much worse than you think She had a hot Cuban girlfriend hot banging that was also 13 and she was dating silvio This basketball that mother fucker silvio not silvio is later. I saw a generos and hoboken new jersey At this like b-bop joint where i'm at, you know, like how you doing with the gold chain?

And she was standing in front of us this chili the Cuban girl And I was with a buddy of mine fernie bassesudo and these other dudes palican and stinky And we're watching a band. I hate to know why he got that name with watching a band and there's a girl here And there's a girl the Cuban girl is here now. This is the girl that was on the chili squad when that's in the eighth grade Now we're 18 19. Yeah, I hadn't seen her in years But my buddy fernie stands right here and I used to always play with her like we used to always double date So she was cuban. So I talked her in cuban a bit giggle And I saw and I looked over at that and I looked at my friend fernie was half retarded was but he had glasses

Big good-looking guy and I just pinched her ass But she didn't she didn't turn this way she turned that way and he was drinking an alabama slamma I'll never forget this and she just punched him right in the face And he had a white shirt on his glasses the lens fell out and he couldn't see he was like going for his glasses And she's teeing off on him kicking him his shirt. Oh It's terrible. He too will not talk to me on facebook really Oh, you need to bring up these memories. I think I fucking hit him up about a year ago And I said there's not a week that goes by that. I don't think of you

He said you me as you and I hit him back like a month later and I go, hey, uh I'm coming to new york if you ever want to do lunch. Let me know I'm coming to the city nothing but saturday night Some friends of mine came and one of the guys go you ever talk to fernie anymore? I go dog He won't return my message. He goes He was brought I knew for any since we were fucking six and I saw him in the city and say hello And he shook my hand gave me a hug and he said he couldn't talk to me anymore. He walked away I go yeah for anyone off the deep end. So you went off the deep end too. Yeah Why are all your friends going off the deep end?

Because we grew up at the late 70s and the explosion of cocaine Yeah, and it took their minds as adolescents like it took mine. Yeah, it took mine, but it took them a little deeper Shit, man. It took them a little bit. You know how you see weed stores popping up. Yeah That's how I saw cocaine popping up Everywhere it was it was everywhere you get everywhere like one minute one person had it the next minute I would go to your uncle's house and he'd go psk me You know anybody who couldn't get rid of cocaine. I got an ounce and a half in the house I've never I've never done cocaine. God bless you ever and you're at you're doing the right thing

You smoke reef and smoke weed you eat some weed pretzels from time to time Yeah, I love that shit a little bit of tequila here and there sometimes, you know little Bailey's in the coffee if I feel like it so just uh Oh You're going off the deep end. Do you really call it the weed store? Dispensary dispensary. You're open. Will it be open seven days a week? Yeah, I think we're doing seven days a week. What's the ordinance now? How long can you stay open late to eight o'clock? It's eight o'clock. Yeah Bad places up here that were staying open till two no more. Yeah, I know we see they were selling weed on the streets

They nobody gave a fuck especially the legalization. They're gonna have a lot more regulations Are you under all those rules with the regulations? We're going legit Yeah, you have to have a candle there at all times and you have to be responsible. Yeah, I recede It's tough. Yeah, Travis and I were crossing the teas and dotting the eyes Because we see what's going on. He's out there going to town hall meetings taking notes Just making sure we're good. What are you gonna do for 420? Do you have a show anyway? Yeah, I'm gonna be in Columbus, Ohio At the funny bone. No shit. Yeah

There I'm gonna do a Friday sound just the 420 show. Oh, that's it. That's it. Just one special show. Yeah That's a good show at 420. That's a great place to do a 420. Can I can we smoke weed in Ohio? I've fucking done everything in Ohio I know it's like, but the last couple years There was a debt squad crew that was going to watch the shows and the one guy one day showed up with a fucking brown bag of You know, uh, they were trying to do the edibles. We were talking about Yeah, like the gelatin would melt, you know, but on the way over and stuff

They had a lot of heart, but I got good weed in Columbus. That's listen, but is it legal there? I have no fun. I don't think it's legal in Ohio, which makes it more fun. Yeah, so come out to the show I was supposed to originally be at the stress factory. Yeah, but a bunch of shows got switched over and I had to do a movie So it would have been easier for me if I would have just switched over so I did 420 and Oxnard I'll shoot you doing 420 and Oxnard. That's great. Just shoot right down there Yeah, so I'll shoot at the levity levity. Yeah, one day Tuesday Wednesday shooting and Friday Thursday If not, I would have had a cancel Thursday in New York. I would have had a canceling 20 and so I said you can't do that Yeah, I'll cancel the whole weekend reschedule shoot the movie do the fucking weekend and Oxnard and I'm in California

Yeah, you're good. You know the stars of that they're gonna come the company's gonna come Yeah, they're gonna give me a bag to fucking pro out. Oh my god. That's gonna be crazy. We're gonna give everybody the holy Eucharist You know I'm saying that's the holy Eucharist is a star of death How we how you feeling over there? You hear these eyes are still closed. Look at his face It's still red from the bong he did two hours ago. There's a moment there He just was making noises out of his mouth. Let me wrap this up here. I'm happy you came on to it Just thank you for having me on boo. I miss you. What's the name of the dispensary? It's gonna be called the flora organica and I'm 37th and Broadway

47th and Broadway and then I have in just my show podcast listen between us when you first told me Where the fuck it was? Central yeah, I have to wear a bulletproof vest, but I forget they're gentrifying. No, it's it's we're in a main street Yeah, we're in the thoroughfares dope Literally and figuratively so you'll be over there. I'll be at Levy live on the 20th in Oxnard, but I'll also be in the 27th I'll be at the template Brewing House and Bakersfield bitches great show. That's a great room. Yeah, I love it You got that's a wonderful show wonderful show. Don't forget to come on to that Let me talk to you, but real fucking quick. All right

Listen, everybody talks about sex and love and you got to elevate your underwear game to the next level with me on these You've perfected your wardrobe, but what about the stuff not everybody gets to see what is me on these? It's the most seriously so I feel good on these delivered right to your door Me on these are designed in LA and made from substantially source Micro Moldaw a fabric three times softer than cotton me on these softer than cotton Luxury underwear is coming in every change in selection of classic colors bold shades and adventurous patterns So you can tailor your undies to your own personal smile style and guess what you can save time and money each month With a monthly subscription, that's right. And if you're not ready for a subscription, that's okay, too

You can still save as a member of the church. I'm gonna get I'm gonna offer you 20% off your first pair Just use our special URL me on these calm Slash Joey and get 20% off your first pair. So go ahead buddy revamp your underwear game You can't have skid marks and fucking burn marks. What were your penis is that scares women? You got to revamp it. Yeah, look sharp and they got to be sharp once again me on these calm slash Joey Me on these calm slash Joey. I'm gonna give you 20% off today. All right, also Real quick here. I want to talk about a service that's blowing up here. I like them I don't use them because I can I don't need to hire somebody

But a friend of mine emailed me and said it worked out for him. Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? No, you don't post me a job in one place Isn't enough to find quality good candidates If you want to find the perfect hire you need to post your job on all the top job sites And now you can with zip recruiter comm you can post your job to 200 plus job sites Including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter with a single click first candidates in any city or industry Nationwide find candidates in any city or industry nationwide Just post once and watch your qualified candidates roll into zip recruiters easy to use interface

No juggling emails. No calls to your office. No crazy people showing up quickly Screen candidates rate them and hire the right person quickly find out today Why zip recruiter has been used by Fortune 100 companies and thousands of small and medium-sized businesses And right now my listeners can post jobs on zip recruiter for free by going to zip recruiter.com Slash church again zip recruiter.com slash church Give it for free go at zip recruiter.com Slash church take a chance Columbus did you want the best at top that you got to run with zip recruiter.com? I want to thank me on these and I want to thank Helix and I want to thank most of all Jesse made Paluso

So making me I'm gonna go home and apologize that girl on Facebook. You should thank you. You're right I always felt guilty about it and I can't clear your conscious life is too short to wonder what would have happened Yeah, thank you for having me on Coco. I love you, man. I love you, too. I appreciate you guys success Thank you, you know, you have security down there and everything. Yeah, it's security every day So don't try and fuck with us. No, that's the most important thing. You can't have nobody fucking get we got dobermans We got a moat with alligators. I could shoot a fucking dope, but so you have big ass black motherfuckers Beast motherfucker hit it Lee. I love you. Thanks. I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Thank you for listening I owe it to you guys stay black Lee

Don't go to the Grand Canyon. What about a tag chicken though? What about yeah, just go Yeah, you forgot about your tax. Put the music on Lee. What the fuck? God damn it You had one job All right I Don't You You

You Oh Oh Oh