Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #473 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: April 18, 2017

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of  the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 04/17/17  

The good thing is, but days are back. You don't have to walk around with a stinking pussy or a rotten asshole no more. Every time you go to your girlfriend's house, she won't do the whole fucking rusty tuba. She stops at a certain point in your nutsack. Why? Because you have to stink at 10 dead animals.

But listen, no worries. You don't need to go to a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist. You need hellotushy.com. That's what you need. You're saying, Joey, what is that? A portable device that washes your asshole spotless clean. Go to hellotushy.com and press in. And get 10% off.

This podcast is also brought to you by The Best Lift Class. You understand me? When they pick you up, they got the light in front. Everybody knows who you are. Everybody knows who they are. Lift is a ride-sharing company that believes in treating its people better, all right?

So do me a favor. If you're considering ride-sharing, go to lift.com slash Joey today and get a $500 new driver bonus. That's lift.com slash Joey. And we're going to give you a $500 new driver bonus because lift is the way to go. I know you're looking for work.

I know you're sitting there like a Mama Luca de Ye gone. What am I going to do with my life? Well, in the meantime, before Guns N' Roses picks you up on tour and all that dream you got, you got to make cash and lift got a job for you. L-Y-F-T dot com. I got a job for you, all right? Plus you get your own tips.

So at the end of the night, bam, there you are. You can go to 7-Eleven and get a pizza for some chicken wings, you know what I'm saying? Lift.com, press in church, and get a $500 bonus restrictions to apply. Hit it, Lisa, yeah. I love lift. Oh, shit.

Just when you fucking thought it was safe, cocksuckers. The money is dead, the Koreans fucked up, but you got the church, bitches. Monday, April 17th. Oh, shit, there you go. Oh, yeah, here we go. Here we go. The church was happening now.

What's up? Lisa Yat, my main girl. Kate Quigley in the fucking house here. What's up? Talking about bringing fucking tutuluts into the office. Next thing you know, if you have a bikini on, I got a cape on, you know what I'm saying? Who needs that activation in their life?

I actually wear capes with my bikini. I'm 54, I'd have to call 9-1-1. I wouldn't let you do it. I would do it, and you would do the weed and the acid and the things that you bring. It's so good. Now, listen, the acid is one of those things you have to do on a say-qua-kay-qua type of night.

Say-qua-kay-qua. Yeah, it's gotta be like one of those nights when you least expect it. You're feeling down. You don't know what your next move is, and you go, Uncle Joey, you know what? Tonight's the night. Break out a fucking sugar cube.

How much is it like the mushrooms? Because I've never done acid. I've only done the mushrooms here. It's in the same neighborhood. You might see a few things. It's like when you get into a city, and the neighborhood is nice at the beginning, but the further you drive down the street,

it gets a little scary. Scariest? Yeah. That's how the mushrooms work. We'll give you a little drop. Not a big drop. We'll give you a little drop to get the party started. And just check it out from there.

A little drop for me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just check it out from there. A little drop for my size. My size drop. Yeah, for your little size.

It's your first time. We can't give you half the bottle. Me and Leah do fucking two drops a piece tonight. I was going to say... The way I'm feeling. I got radio at 8 a.m. tomorrow. Do you really hear? Oh, for the weekend?

I'm going to get an inventory, yeah. It's going to be fun. I love that club. Have you been there yet? No, no. It's my first time. I love it. It's my favorite.

I'm going to say something, man. I fell in love with Liberty Live in Ox... I haven't been there. Yeah. I love the fucking joint. Sometimes you want to be on these coasts, but you don't really want to be on these coasts. That's the room. That's the room.

That's the place. Nobody knows that you're there in NIAC. You could kill somebody 80 times. Perfect. And they can't find you in NIAC. You could slip in and out of NIAC. Murder and leave. Yeah, murder.

It's great. You could live in a shack in NIAC and nobody in no dick. I've never been to NIAC. You got access to the Bronx, white planes. You could zip in and out. You could get fresh bread. You could go up to Avenue. Fresh bread.

Well, where else could you get that? I think it'll be right back in NIAC before nobody knows you're missing, you know what I'm saying? He's already thought out the whole life plan. I just saw the people that were coming and I asked them how far you they've gone from the Bronx. Really? And you thought these look like people that...

I thought it was like three hours. Could kill somebody. No, no, no, no, no. Just good American Irish people. Really? I want to go. Couple Ricans, couple Dominicans. Just nice people.

I love the East Coast. You don't know nothing crazy yet. Yeah. You belong in East Coast with a fucking sugar cube league. What's up with you, you fucking savage of debt? I had a gray week. I saw Cleo from the Netherlands for the second time. You went to Vegas.

You lost 20 bucks. I won 20 bucks. You won 20 bucks. You won 20 bucks. Finally. What's Cleo from the Netherlands? She's a church fucking savage. Oh.

And I met her. And Lady J showed up. Lady J, Stan. Looking good. Very nice. Stan and his wife invited us into their house. It was great. Larry, of course.

It was fun. I love Vegas. I don't know. I've said it 8,000 times. I love everything about Vegas. Good. I love Vegas too. That's great.

Yeah. It's fun. You're queen of Vegas. You're like Marilyn Monroe Vegas. What? Hardly. You walk around people like your cigarettes. They give you free hotel rooms.

No. No. They got cameras on the rooms. They give you those rooms for free. Yeah. I get the rooms with the cameras and then I don't pay. Thank you for your fucking cameras. 10 years from now.

You're going to honeymoon with your husband. There you are with a dildo up your ass with Jen sharing you on. Thank you, Joey. Thank you. You're going. What the fuck is this shit? I thought you were a great girl. I am, honey.

That's a double. How much money did Aaron Andrews get? You are, I'd be hoping for that. And Andrews got like hundreds of millions. I do think about that sometimes. I do think about that. I'm like, maybe I just have a sex tape just on back, like on the, you know, back burner just in case if everything totally tanks out, then I have someone like Leake it.

Listen, man, I was always more on the criminal side. Right. I was always more of a criminal. I wasn't a good looking dude, and I didn't have a game to play game. Do you know what I'm saying? When I was in the seventh grade, I got so heartbroken at every angle of love that I knew that if I ever had a girlfriend, I would never do those things. Like I still remember I was breaking up.

I still remember a year later when she started dating a guy, how it bothered me. Do you know what I'm saying? Not that I jumped out a window or not that you stopped. So you also have to respect people. Like I remember the first time there was a hot girl in my high school and I used to like look at her and fantasize, but go nah. And I heard she was a little loose when we were growing up. Like if you gave her a few fucking bees, shit could crack a lack of that.

And at that time I was like still awkwardly sex wise, so I thought it would be an easy pick. And I got a fucking, a buddy of mine came up to me one night, this girl, and she goes, come talk to me for a second on the side. What do you think of such and such? And I go, I think such and such is great. And she goes, what do you think if you and her and me and your buddy double dated downtown? And I go, you're fucking crazy.

The girl I'm talking about in question here dates a gorilla. I was like a fucking sophomore and this kid was like a senior, but he was a gorilla. He's a good looking big dude. A football player. And I thought about it and I went up to him in the hallways and I said, hey, man, I'll tell you something. I'm thinking of taking her out on a date on a double date. You said that to her gorilla boyfriend?

The ex. They had broken up. Three or four weeks. Wow, that takes balls. And even at that age, I remember you have to go up to people and be respectful. You have to be respectful of people's feelings and see where they're at. You're such a good guy. If the guy looks at you, don't get me wrong.

Nobody, what he said, I was still going to try to get my dick shot. I was just doing it. You know what I'm saying? I have a cover. Yeah. Sometimes you have to have a cover. Sometimes you have to have a cover. Why would I do that?

That came to you two weeks ago. We didn't do nothing. It's not about really respect, it's more about saving yourself. It was an hysterical situation because we're still dear friends today. Shut up, so did you ask her out? What happened was a week before my mom died, we were at a Halloween party. I was dressed up as a ghost and she was a dirty witch or something and she was at a different party.

Like I said to you, this chick was a little on the loose side and that night I went with a girl. This is a fucked up story that I don't tell a lot of people. I'm at this party and this hot blonde shows up, who's my friend on Facebook today, banging them. When she was in high school, she was to the level when she was a sophomore, she was already dating men. Like it was established.

Don't even look at her. She was already dating like this hot college guy at Seton Hall that was a gorilla. So she comes up to me, she goes, you didn't hook up with my friend, we're all excited, you're going to hook up with her. Come on, I'll take you to her. So she dates a gorilla in real life. So as we're coming now to get down from this party, it was a poll. How does this happen?

This never worked. Like a fucking poll. Get down from the party. There's a poll. This is a tremendous Halloween party. You're in a fire station. Everybody's on acid, everybody's tripping their balls off. Me and this girl walk out, she's holding my hand, she's drunk, pulling me.

What do you think pulls up? I'll get real a boyfriend. Oh shit. And he gets out, he's going, what the fuck is going on? I drop her hand and I knew him. I knew him because he delivered beer on the weekends and shit and we used to tip him heavy when we were young to age. So he's like, what's going on here?

And then he went up to her and he's like, I thought you were going in. He goes, I am. I'm here. I'm just going to take him to meet. What's her name? And he started yelling at her and I asked him, I said, listen man, it's the truth. I'm sorry if I disrespected you. She was like, and he goes, I'll deal with you later.

And I go, listen, please, it's not her fault, it's between me and you. She was just going to walk me over there. Are you still in the ghost suit? I'm still in the ghost suit. So all you can see is your eyes. He gets in the car with her. I never teamed up with that girl, but that Monday or Tuesday, he pulled up to me and he goes, what you did the other night had balls.

He were friends now and shit. He goes, she told me the whole story the next day that you were going to hook up with. He goes, I'm happy for you. She had hooked up with another guy. This girl hooked up with a different dude. So this went on for years. Like we never really hooked up. And then after high school, me and this girl ended up in the same clique.

Oh, in college? Well, after high school. She was in travel agent school and that was a fucking floater. I was just, you know, picking up whatever I could. You guys never did hook up? No, I went to Colorado and that's when we started talking on the phone. She was having problems with a boyfriend. The boyfriend was a piece of shit.

Meanwhile I'm hearing reports. She's blowing this one. She's blowing that one. It's a fucking nightmare. What do you get your reports from? From back in my hometown. People telling me what's going on. We're still reporting years later.

They're like, that bitch is still loose. No, because we all hung out in the same circle. So it was a lot of gossip. Was she really loose in high school or did she just have big boobs? Because I think she was fucking loose. You knew for sure. Freshman. Yeah. Isn't that real frustrating when you know she's banging everybody,

but you never get it? Yes. I wasn't I wasn't I wasn't frustrated at that point. I just took it for what it was. Then one night I went down the shore when I was like a senior going into senior year and they were in this hole. They were in this apartment and I didn't know they were there. I just went in there with some buddies of mine.

We're talking and we're snorting coke. And those days we were eating black beauties. What's that? Speed pills. They were like speed diet pills. I used to get a thousand of them for 35 hours and sell them for a dollar a piece. Bang. Black beauty. Bang. Right.

So I went down to this party was snorting black beauties. We're drinking out of that and shit and me and her ended up in this bed. We walked to this bedroom and we both are now at this time. She's dating a fucking super gorilla. The only thing I've got in my corner is that I grew up with this fucking gorilla. Oh, so this guy knows. And this guy shooting bow and arrows at people from his window. Sure. This guy was a hunter.

He was crazy, but really good looking. And by this time he knew shit. Fuck 20 guys. They were because he was fucking chicks. So she was fucking do it. She didn't play games. The first word she got that you fuck somebody, she was in the city, swallowing any dollar steak, but on the way back, she'd suck your dick

like it was never, never land hysterical. So I come back to how you get steak. I come back from Colorado and I know what time it is. She's still with the dude. She's still blowing a friend of mine and she's fucking another guy half and half. I come into the picture and I start talking to her, talking to her, talking to her, she's talking to me and one night we hook up. We hook up and a little, a little thing's happened.

But I'll never forget one of the things that happened. I said to her, let me ask you a question. I go, have you been swapping spit? I'm fingering that she had a little Toyota at the time, right? Wait, so you're a finger in her? This is a finger in the Toyota. OK, this is the first like the first time we really officially got together. Like we had been together before at parties and we had talked about

doing things, but it always, we always went to the diner and there was eight people there. Got it. You know what I'm saying? It was like, you're already a finger someone at the diner. Not impossible. So now we're in a common man. We go to the city. We have a couple of drinks. We do a couple of blasts.

In those days, I used to get like a half a gram of coke. Like I could do a half a gram. Even though I haven't done coke in 10 years, I could do a gram in one line now. Like still, like that's where the half I was doing a half a gram. I never forget I put in this mirror. It was like three in the morning. You know, her ex-boyfriend was gone. He was dating somebody else.

It was me and her till the end. It was like a Mon Jovi song, you know what I'm saying? So romantic. Yeah, we were going to run away together. The moonlight was in the mirror. And I never forget I said to her, so what's the story? You know, let's suck my dick. She goes, I want to do that. I don't do that.

And I'm looking straight in the face and go, what's it going to take me to suck my dick? She looked me straight in the face. She goes, I'll line a coke. I gave her that line of coke. That was it. We were boyfriend and girlfriend after that was official. Like I fell in love.

Like that was it. Like this was it. For real? Oh yeah, I liked it. I had a crush on her for four or five years. I used to play freshman basketball. No, romantic. And then she snorted coke and gave hat to you.

I used to see her running track and jumping to high hurdles. No. And my fucking, she used to run. Like she ran with four girls that were as good looking as they were dangerous. Like I'll tell you how good her crew was in high school. That's a cool compliment. When they were sophomores and juniors,

one of them dated. We used to see him in bars. In fact, she's a girl that was here now. Matt Dillon. No way. When I was in high school, one of that Syrians from Robin, the Robin Fulton crew. Yeah.

They used to, her brother was named Columbia. So we used to call her Columbia's sister. But Columbia's sister used to have, like when we used to walk up from the park and there'd be the Porsche. And we'd go to Mareg's and there'd be Matt Dillon with Columbia's sister. Damn.

Wugging it up at the corner. That's how badass those bitches were. There was twins. There were these two Italian twins that were fucking sensational, their asses. There was the girl I was in love with, the redhead. There was the fucking, there was a blonde that was banging. And these girls already had reputations as sophomores.

The two basketball players had taken them home and they did a threesome. Like these girls were done, done, but they were banging. They all had boyfriends. So here's me and fucking the redhead was trying to sneak around this shit. This is no lie. And I'm living maybe a block and a half.

So basically I'm going to our house at night and going to her back window and not her back window, her back door. And I would go in the living room and her parents would always stay upstairs. They were told no, ever come down. That's the best. That's hysterical.

Sneaking in, that is the best. And I would go in there and we'd have sex and I'd leave and walk out. Anyway, one Sunday I call her up and I go, what do you want to do? Now I'm broke, Lee. I'm making $250 a week. So if I take you to a hotel, I got a fucking basic.

Like as in $2.50. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. $50 a fucking dollars a week. Dude, that's a lot of money in high school. It's 1983. No, we're out of high school now. We're about a year and two out of high school. I'm making about $250 a week, working 40 hours,

fucking stocking pipe and electrical supplies. So when I spent $60 on a piece of pussy, it had to be fucking primavera. Like I was gonna stab you, eat your ass, eat one of these eyeballs. It was on. Like if we did blow, it was gonna be a 12 hour marathon. I was gonna eat your pussy while you're sleeping.

Don't worry, just keep sleeping. I gotta get the $60 out of this cocaine. Just keep sleeping. Fucking horrible. Fuck that. It's gonna be a week for that. One Sunday night, we go into the city and we go fuck it. Let's get high and we get eight Valium's for $10.

How much was it? No. By Washington Square Park. In those days on Sundays, Dave Chappelle would perform with this black comedian. I forget his name now. He was maybe 14. Oh wow.

So the hip thing to do in those days, like if you had a boyfriend, while everybody else was eating pasta at their house, you and me were going to the city and about four cats the tail end of Dave Chappelle in the Southern. Charlie Barnett. Charlie Barnett.

And we go to, there was a McSawley sale, and I know I'm fucking up the name. Right in the village, right there. And you go in there, you get three mugs for like four bucks and a bowl of chili. While you were eating, mama, I'd go over and get 10 Valium's, eight Valium's and a fucking bag of reefer.

And we'd eat pop like a little Valium. We'd smoke some tutsu-tutsu, you'd get loot. That was young love. Damn. Kate Quigley's young love. Sounds fun. We were holding hands. We're creeping around New York.

We're listening to Bon Jovi. No, Bon Jovi wasn't even out yet. None of that shit. It was just in your mind. Never say goodbye. Never say. Like, we were into it. So we both went back to our respected houses.

We, she went home to dinner. I went home to dinner to deal Lorenzo's. And that night we go, let's go to our hotel. Okay, so she goes, I'll pick you up at eight. Or you could walk to the York motel. The York motel was at walking distance. You could go in there with no ID. It smelled like sperm.

They were clean towels. You could smell the Hindu family cooking. Awesome. Hot. But you know what? Who gives a fuck? When you're young and you want to have sex, you don't even look at those things.

Young. I did that like six months ago. Who gives? So we got out. Now she's dating. Now this gorilla, we haven't heard from him. In like three weeks, we're running around town like fucking Sean Penn and Madonna, you know.

But this gorilla has not shown his fucking face. So finally at eight, 15 that night, she picks me up. And she goes, I don't want to worry you. But he's been calling the house all night. And he's pissed off. He says he wants to get back with me that he misses me and he loves me. I go, listen, you do whatever you gotta do.

Let's go to the hotel first. You know what I'm saying? Like I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. Of course not. Here we go to the hotel. We have sex for three hours. I eat a rest.

The whole fucking thing. It's the best the first time. We go to Carvel. We get ice cream like young lovers, you know. And then we're going up the hill. We'll stop that a light. Who do you think jumps on the hood in the fucking car? No, he jumped on the hood.

Are you serious? Did you really jump down and held down like? No, no, no, no, no. Yes, he did. How did he know where you were? He was looking for her walking around the neighborhood. Oh my God. So he's holding on to the windshield.

He's like, you get out of the car. Lisa, I want to talk to you. So I fucking get out of the car. And I go, what's up dog? And he goes, where the fuck are you guys coming from? You answer me first. And I go, we went to the fucking movies. And we already had an excuse.

We dropped off Lee at home. We all went to Chan's Dragon Inn. That's why I got beat up. Meanwhile, he goes, well, Coco, can you walk home? Can I talk to my girlfriend? And I go, you do whatever you want. She's like, no, I don't want to talk to him. And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm not taking that. And she's like, no, I don't want to talk to him. I told you already, you cheated on me. You suck and all this shit. I'm standing there. And meanwhile, he goes, wait a second. Why is your shirt on backwards? I knew you were gonna say that.

Oh my God. How fucking label was that? Oh my God. And he goes, were you in a rush or something? Coco, didn't you say something to her? I'm like, no, I'm high. I didn't see it. It got picked up at the gym.

I don't know what happened. It was fucking crazy. I can't believe you got out of the car. If a dude jumped on the hood of my car, there's no way I'm getting out. I would just, I would back up. He could be in the driver's car. I throw it in reverse.

Yeah. We grew up with it. Still. I mean, we weren't doing nothing. We looked innocent in the car. There was no alcohol. That's what I would do. I would jump on it.

If someone jumped on my hood, I'm boom, boom, boom. It was crazy. But he's a gorilla. He's huge. And you just fucked his girl. Listen to me. So listen to me.

The guy before me was fucking up. And he would actually torment the kid. Okay. On purpose. Yeah. In fact, the guy's brother listens to this podcast religiously. Shut up.

He's gonna laugh. Shut up. The brother never had a girlfriend. This chick used to suck his dick and he'd go crazy. I mean, he fell in love with it. He went crazy. So one night there at a bar, this was going on for like,

like if the gorilla was in the bar and my friend who was now fucking this girl from was, now they were together at the time. And she was fucking my friend. My friend would actually go to a bar, buy him a drink and send it over and drink it. And then he walked out. So the tension was going on.

Wow. So now it's a Wednesday night. It's ladies night at this bar off Townley Boulevard. And we're all in there. We're fucking having a good time. And boom, gorilla man walks in with the broad. Now two hours earlier, she was blowing my friend. I mean, it was an ugly, ugly thing.

Holy shit. We're all sitting there. And gorilla man sends him a drink. With love. Like keep sending them drinks with fucking love. Did he know? Like, oh yeah. Everybody knew in the room.

Everybody knew the guys. Every 80 people in that bar knew what was going on. Oh my God. And here's my buddy sending gorilla, McGillard's gorilla drinks, going like, that's how I'm me. She's beautiful. I love her.

And this was heating up and they fought for like two minutes. And then he clipped me one night too. For what? This went on. But same thing, I thought I was in love with it too. Well, you gotta work. He, I saw his hand come over

and I just fell to the floor and I didn't say a word after that. He punched you just for liking her? He didn't even, you guys weren't even asking. By liking her, by this time we had 69. The liking was over. We were going away for the weekend. How can this chick do that?

I get stressed out if I even date two guys that know each other. We worked together for like six weeks. Then this shit just broke apart. And then after that, we had sex a few more times and, you know, you know what the real true story is that I can't remember if somebody would do that to me.

Thinking back, I would never talk to them. You know what happened here? Her and I were good friends. You know what, man? We wanted to, we were young. If we were to bump into each other and we were 24, we would never have done that. There was cocaine involved.

She was a part time, she was a part time hooker. You know, she was a part time, no, she was a part time whore. She liked it. She was a piece of ass, she was beautiful. She had to like it. If you're fucking a bunch of dudes that all know each other, you're kind of getting off on that attention.

You have to be. She was beautiful. She was, and you know what, man? Till today, she's one of my best, best, best friends in life. I heard even before, listen, I have a, my daughter's godfather told me he was at a party 20 years ago

and somebody brought my name up and people like, fuck that dude, I hope he burns it out. She's like, listen, bitches, I will fuck you all up. I love it. She's like, he's doing comedy. I think he's, at the time I was in Seattle and he'll never do nothing with his life. And she was like, you guys, you guys got something going

and she was been there. She's married, I love her husband today. You know, I mean, the last embarrassment. I thought about this the other day. I was at a Christmas party, coked up to the gills and she was there with the dude. She was dating now, but she had just broken up with a dude. McGilligarilla was there, I was there.

The other guy. Did you still see this gorilla guy every once in a while? No, no, no. So I didn't see him, no, I'm lying to you. I didn't see him at that party, but that night I got really drunk and I had her in the bathroom and I remember telling her how much I loved her

and I remember she's going, you know, I kind of like this guy and all this and we can't do this. I go, I don't, don't worry about none. Just suck my dick while I'm talking. That's all I wanted and she's like, no, absolutely not. Guys are always like, just one more time. Just one more.

I knew you were going to do this. It doesn't count. And she ran out of there and then I did something New Year's Eve. I beat this guy for drugs on New Year's Eve for like $3,000 and I started a new life in Crestgale, New Jersey. Okay. And I'm in Crestgale three weeks.

I got a job at the liquor store. I'm going into Manhattan every day and looking for work and buying nickel bags of weed. I'm off the coke and I'm walking past the church one day. I've done a time. A church. A church.

And you thought I should start a podcast. Just any regular church. And I look in and I'm looking at the elevator and it's McGilligarilla. He was a union elevator guy. Like that's what he did in high school. He apprenticed with his family and a bunch of other kids from my area.

They became elevator mechanics. And I saw him and I go, it was January of 85. And the last time we had, me and him had grown up together. I mean, him and I robbed a van. Him and I played football together as a kid. We played basketball.

We gave people nicknames. We smoked dope together. We lived in- You robbed a van? Oh yeah. Like stole a van? Like no, no, no. They left a van.

They left a van on the side of the street with t-shirts and stickers and glue presses. So what we did is we fucking stole everything and we took it out and then we go, what do they do with the van? We got to do something with the van. I mean, it was fucking crazy, but I walked up to him. He walked up to me.

I put my hand down. They go, I'm sorry, bro. How about that whole thing? And he put out his hand and he goes, can you imagine? Like we all acted this fucked. Like we both could not believe what had happened. Like I wasn't mad at that guy.

I was never mad at that girl. In fact, I went to prison, came out and I was in a halfway house and my friends came out from Jersey and we were talking and one of them pulled me aside and he goes, listen, bro. I bumped into your buddy about a week ago and I told him I was coming out there to see.

She said, before you get married, make sure you give her a call. It was weird and I go, I'm not calling. Like that. How can I trust her? You know what I'm saying? Like she's got fucking 19 sperms different fucking friends of mine.

You think that's why she wanted to talk? Like before she got called? No, you know, who know what she wanted, but by that point I had already made a bad decision with the wife I was picking. I had already had a fucking life. Why would I start a new life? You know, it's just weird how things worked out.

But now at 54, I will tell you, she's one of my biggest. Like when I go home, I meet at a Chinese place. I know her mother, I know her father. Aw, that's so cool. I left my album collection to her sister. Her sister was a heavy metal chick who liked music. I shoplifted all those albums anyway. It was like 400 fucking albums, I give her a milk crate.

No way, that's so awesome. It's amazing to have friends like that that you're friends your whole life. Well, we're done, we're done, so fucking the end. Lucky you have that. I don't think many people still know people that they went to high school with. I mean, I can count on, no, I know two people

I went to high school with. One, I have one, but I was gonna ask Kate, is it hard being like a girl who likes to have sex? Like, no, but it's- No, it's not hard, no. It just seemed, because the whole time Joe was telling that story, all I was thinking about was I've never once, and I didn't have sex with many people,

but I never once even dated anyone that I friend dated. It seemed to weird, I didn't wanna kiss anybody that someone else had kissed I knew. Yeah. So just- I have had that problem because I've dated a few, well, like I've dated, this is a small industry, like Hollywood even though it's a big town,

you know, it's kinda like high school, everybody knows everybody. So if you hook up with one comic or one actor, one person in the business, then I feel like everybody else in the business that you meet might be kind of pals with that person or know that person. And then, yeah, I had a guy say to me

that I was really into, he's like, I can't date you because I know too much. Like, because I had fucked guys that he knew, he couldn't, he wouldn't date me just because of that. So yeah, I kinda- It's hard for people, some people can't get up. I don't care though. I believe that you have to get over things.

You know, if you date a chick that's on YouTube and six midgets are coming out of her face, you have to decide whether you want her to be the mother of your child. It's hard to find on YouTube. Yeah, it's hard to find, you know what I'm saying? Usually that's on Pornhub, not YouTube. You decide, like I did this thing with Sam Tripoli

and bunch of guys, maybe in the year 2000 about a porno thing, some guy had in his mind, he wanted to do what that dude did and have porno, you know, the chicks who come to your party, what was that show? The guy went to fucking jail, he hung out with the Kardashians and shit. I think I had videos of the girls going on.

Oh, a world's gone wild, yeah. This fucking genius, one of them put together in a Beverly Hills mansion, 200 chicks and you know, a bunch of fucking loser guys were culling on and me, Tripoli and who's the other guy? Come on, Tebow. A bunch of us, are we? We all did comedy at this porno thing

and if it made money, we'd get a percentage of it. Well, that's hilarious. It was one of the worst things you've ever seen in your life. But- I wish I was there. The one thing I took out of that party was that I had heard about, but I had never seen and it disgusted me, was a guy who was there,

he was married to a broad. That was really like a seven. But he brought it there to get fucked by 10 guys at this party. No way. Yeah, and he's standing there while these guys are fucking his wife in the back room. Some guys are into that.

It's so weird to me, but some guys are into that. Like I dated a guy and it was like a long distance thing and he one time said to me that he wanted to watch me fuck another guy on FaceTime. Did you do it? No, I was like so offended, it changed everything. I was like, how can you want to see me fuck someone else? It really bothered me.

I would never, I dated a porn actor, so I have had to watch a guy I like fuck other people. I don't like it. It's not fun. Would you want to watch your girl fuck somebody else? Hell no. Not really. Not really.

Not really. But wait, can I tell you my best like redemption story for my dating life? I haven't told this anywhere. This story is amazing. Well, you heard it here first. Okay, so I was dating this guy and I was like hung up. I told you about this guy that I was kind of seeing.

He's a porn actor. It was such a bad move, but I was like really hung up. We dated for a while, like six, seven months. And then we stopped talking because I, this is so fucked up. I wanted more. Like I wanted like it to be a relationship. Well, I don't know why because he's a porn act.

I'm not, I'm not making wise life choices in my love life, but neither is Lee, so it's fine. No, I'm not. Wait, was he the best sex you ever had? The best sex? I mean, that's the problem. He was not a good guy. Like from jump, he was a dick,

but he was the sex once we fucked. I said I wouldn't date him. And then we hung out a few times and then we had sex. And then I was like, I want a relationship. Like the sex was mind blowing. Do you do Viagra ever? No. I mean, like it's just that,

that he couldn't fuck for so long, like for hours. And I never came that, but it doesn't matter. I don't want this to go to his head if he ever hears this. So the sex was just fine. Okay. So anyway, then I wanted more and he didn't. So we stopped talking. No, let me ask you something on the legit side.

While you're falling in love and you're sucking that pipe. Let's not call it love. I don't think it's love, Joey. Okay. It was more like I was dignitized. I was just hypnotized by the dick. The dick was good. I never had such a good dick before.

And he would beat me up and he would like, he would like call me names. Hold on, hold on. Before we start making accusations. And next thing you know, I got fucking a lot of turnies and attorney over here. Like good beating up. Listen, but I understand, but no, no.

Let me ask you a question of the up and up here. Let's pretend you're sucking this pipe, right? Okay. Don't you think that he had done up some Arabian's ass on Tuesday on a porn scene and you're sucking like. Here's what happened. I decided to block it out mentally because when we would hang out,

he would never talk about porn. He would talk about other things he was into. Like what? What else could he possibly be into? Like he was into other like cars and like crossfit fighting like other things, you know? So we just wouldn't talk about porn. And I would just, I am followed him on everything.

So I would never see the porn. So I just, I just put it out of my head, even though I knew, but also he was always like, I'm going to stop doing it soon. So I was like, okay. And I thought, think about it. I thought it would be a great relationship because I was like,

this is a guy who will not be chasing pussy because he gets so much pussy. So he'll be just happy enough with the porn pussy and me. Right? So that was the plan. That was my plan, but it didn't work because it turned out when I said, hey, what do you think if we make this like a relationship?

He was like, oh no, I still want to fuck other people. And I was like, but you get to fuck like 50 girls a week. And he was like, I want to also fuck other people. So we stopped talking. Okay. So three months goes by, no talking. And then it's my fault. One night I got a little drunk and I text him and I said,

I'm not gonna fuck other people. And I text him and I said, hi, just hi. And then he texts back, hey. And then I said, I've been thinking about you. And then he said, I've been thinking about you too. And I said, what have you been thinking about? And then he's like, you know, I've been thinking about the fights, but then I've also been thinking about

like beating your ass and like fucking the shit out of you and all this stuff, right? And then I, like a typical girl, I go, well, do you miss more than just fucking me? Or is it pretty much just the sex? And then he was like, no, I really miss you. So then I'm like, aw. So then I'm like, what are you doing tonight?

Why don't I come over? And he's like, yeah, come over. So I go to his house. It's like one AM, we fuck, okay? Three AM, he's like, we're cuddling. And he goes, hey, so you don't get to stay the night. You probably should take off. And I was like, what?

What are you talking about? Three o'clock in the morning. And he goes, well, you haven't earned your way into sleeping over yet. I haven't seen you in a while. So I was like, all right. Oh, Lord. So I left.

This sounds like the dirtier version to the start of Bridesmaids. Like that just starts- The same Bridesmaid Lee, this is reality, right? But this is where it gets good, okay? I wake up the next day, I'm pissed as fuck. I'm so mad that he threw me out. It's like I woke up in the morning sober

and I'm like, did that really happen? That motherfucker kicked me out at three AM. So then I start texting him. Joey, I was a psychopath. I sent him like 45 text messages. Every time he wouldn't answer, I text him again and again and again and again. And I kept asking him why he kicked me out.

And finally he wrote back and told me that he didn't want me to have feelings for him because he found out he's having a kid with another girl. So he didn't want to date me. So that's why he asked me to leave. So then I was like, but you said that you missed me. And he's like, well, I did, but I really just wanted to fuck. And you know, I was, it was late and that was that.

So I'm pissed as fuck. Then I start going off on him with texts. He blocks my number. So then I'm a psycho. So I found an app where you can text from like 45 different phone numbers. And I started sending him texts from all these different phone numbers.

Like I was so angry, but it became funny. So I started pretending to be other people and like really fucking with them. And I'm a crazy person, but here's the thing. The next day I go on my podcast and I tell the story. And I don't think anything of it. I just tell it some angry and I don't say who he is, but I tell the story.

My phone rings a few hours after the podcast comes out and it's him and he's freaking out and telling me that I've ruined his life because it turns out he has a girlfriend and she listens to my podcast. She's like a fan of mine and she loves my podcast and she put together from the story that I was talking about him

and she didn't know he was having a kid with another girl. So now I ruined his relationship because it turns out he has a girlfriend and he has a baby mom and he had me. He had this whole love triangle. And I didn't know. The point is I feel, I feel, I'm angry. I'm angry right now.

I'm just tired of getting fucked over. Why don't you start dating Lee? Listen, you start dating Lee. He ain't got a cheat on you. He'll bring home gravy every week. How amazing. How amazing. He'll give you a ride to the gig.

He'll manage you, he'll manage your career. I need a guy like Lee. This is Lee. Lee would treat me well. Unbelievable. How crazy is it though? What are the odds that this random girl listens to my podcast and figured it out?

You like Lee's nutsack and will give you a combination to his mother's safe, understand? He don't give a fuck. That's where the Jules Jules are. Joey. And the picture of fucking Lee next to Hitler. No. No.

But here's how psychotic I realized, this is how I realized I need therapy because I called my lawyer to ask my lawyer what the boundaries are of like fucking with someone after they hurt you. So then I had made my lawyer write me a whole letter of all the things I'm allowed to do to fuck with someone. You just explained to me why you're single.

Because you're fucking nuts, I love it. I know I am, but I'm only, I'm only nuts with, I only- He's got nut problems on his own. What if he only tastes it? He's lucky I liked him. It wasn't love, it was just. Lust.

It was sex. We're goofy and yeah, it's sex. Joey. Now what's this with the, he had to beat you up. You like getting smacked around a little bit? Yeah, every girl does. A punch to the head? Not like a punch to the head, like MMA style,

but a little like, a little slapy, a little slapy. You need a stomach? I didn't, no, no. Whip your ass, grab you by the neck and tell you to suck on my dick, you dirty filthy fucking animal. Every girl likes that, I think. And then take the dick out of your mouth.

I hit you with it in the face and then shove it right back in your mouth like a savage. Joey, that's- That's perfect. That's what every girl likes. And your arms are to the side, like you're like Chinese chick, that's what they call them when they put them in a fucking-

When they're bound? No, they put them in the bottom of a trunk. What do they call them? What? Oh, he's talking about the sex slaves. Look. They put their hands in trunks. They just put them in, you like make them,

you don't know what's going on. When they take the dick out of your mouth and hit you in the face for a time, they put it back in there. And you have your hands like, that's tremendous, all that stikes. Okay, I don't know. I love all that shit, trust me.

I do, I like every, I have a theory that every girl likes rough. Bit slaps. Every girl likes it. Not punches, bit slaps. Yeah. And call you a filthy animal. You want to be treated respectfully out,

you know, in public, but in- You guys be on it? I let one guy one time. Absolutely, see you in a real deal. But I really like loved him. We were like together. Sure, sure, I get it. But I'm not into that.

I'm not into being peed on. At what point in the relationship did he bring up that he wanted to pee on you? Actually, no, it's funny. I've realized with guys, it seems, I've only been in a couple of relationships that around the six month point is when they start to tell you

about like weird shit they're into, like they finally are like, okay, I can tell this. Like that same guy, he asked me if he could pee on me. He wanted to pee on me. And he also asked me to eat his butthole. All right. No one ever asked, he was like, but the way he asked, he was like,

we're in bed one night and he was like, so have you ever like licked a butthole before? And I was like, no, no, no, I can't say it ever. It's not really my hobby and you're in my wheelhouse. And then he was like, I just, I'm really kind of into that. And then I was like, okay, well, I don't mind. I don't mind, but like, we need to plan this out.

Like, I think maybe you have to shower immediately. Before you even ask, you gotta shower. Are you guys into that? I always wonder how many guys are into that. Listen, I don't go out looking for it. You don't look in my asshole, you know me. I'm always available. I'm like, Denny's, you don't shut down.

Really? You know what, man, I gotta be honest with you guys, at least I'm naive. I think when I was like 21 or 22, 21, somebody sucked my balls and gave me a hand job. I thought it was tremendous. Yeah. And then-

It sounds nice. And that's where then, when you snort coke, they would suck down there and suck your balls hard and shit. And sometimes you'd feel a tongue. And you know, like I said, guys, some of this shit I was just scared of or whatever. Fast forward to 1995, Boulder, Colorado. I meet this girl, boom, on the phone,

bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, a month later, she shows up. We go camping, a little bit of sex that night, nothing serious. And two days later, we go back to my apartment. I'll never forget, she looked at me straight in the face and she goes, turn around. She looked you straight in the face and said,

that's amazing. I know what are you talking about. She goes, if you turn around, I'll eat your asshole and suck your ballsack from behind and jerk you off. And then when you come, I'll drop and you can come on. It was craziness. I had never heard that type of language. You were like, yes, yes, man.

No, I looked her straight in the face and go, no, no, no. I knew him, my asshole stunk, but she was a filthy animal anyway. It was like middle of the day. Like it was after like a walk in shit. Oh, hell no. I'm like, I'll let you eat my ass because then you'll never do it again.

The reputation gets out there and that smells bad. What if she likes it? What if she tweets it? No, no, after a couple of years, after a couple of years, I would make her eat my ass after doing a set at the conference. No, you would not.

Oh, yes, I would. She was crazy like you, yeah. Yeah, but I wouldn't even do that. We had a straight relationship and then we had a drug relationship. Our straight relationship was we'd get high, smoke a joint, maybe have a glass of wine and I'd fuck her and we'd go to bed.

Our cocaine relationship, she opened up with a smack to the face. She hit you or you? No, I'd smack her. Smack her on the face. Like three or four times, grab her and put her right on my fucking nut sack. Damn.

And then I'd tip her underneath and make her eat my asshole from down below while she's jerking me off. Then put my pipe in her mouth. So you do like it, having your butt, your asshole. At that time, in that situation, yeah. She was the right time at the right girl, you know what I'm saying? But not any time, not all the time.

Before that, no, before that drug. Interesting. That's interesting, that was what year? This all went down from 95 to about 99. This crazy fuck. I've had this theory that girls eating asshole is like a newer fab. I was 32 when I met her and she was 25.

Wow. And she was crazy. It was just crazy, so. I'm not crazy. You know what I'm saying? If you volunteer it, and that's what I'm saying. Like if you're doing coke with somebody, you know that person's eating asshole.

If we got like an eight ball or a half ounce of blow, you're eating asshole. No. Yeah. It never crosses my mind to eat a guy's ass unless they ask. It never goes. I never think of it.

But once you're doing blow and you're sucking my dick and I got dead dick, I'm like, okay, do me a favor, lift the nut sack and massage that asshole with your tongue. You'll take a shot of that tequila and lick that asshole like a savage that you are. That's why I love you to death. You don't give a fuck.

You'll take that PBP at all for a second. You know what it is? I want to be the best at everything, including fucking. So like if I'm fucking a guy, this is my thing. I want to fuck him so good that after I'm gone for the rest of their life, they're like, fuck, and fuck with that again.

Like that's what I want. I want to be in the back of their mind. I want to be sealed in, burned in, like a fucking prison tattoo. You're fucking crazy. Now what are you going to do when you meet your husband? The next one? No, the real one, the one that you're supposed to meet.

I don't know. He's right around the corner. I'm not really crazy. I mean, I am. He's right around the corner. You think? Yeah. Listen, I'm not.

The truth is, the truth is, I'm really not crazy. I'm just, I'm very hypersexual. I like sex. But I don't fuck a lot of people. I think that's a big misconception. It's like, because I talk about sex. What do you average a week? Two doings.

No, I swear to God, I counted up my number for my own podcast the other day. You know what I'm up to? It's not even that high. 17. For the year? Total ever. 17, that's it.

Get the fuck out of here. I swear to God, I counted them. How many things have you sucked? That I didn't have sex with? Yeah. Not many, no, not many, because like I'm that girl that like once we're making out.

See, that's the thing. I don't make out with a lot of guys. The number of guys I've made out with is probably not much higher. No, there's no reason to make out. Usually if we start making out, in my mind, I'm like, okay, so then date three we fuck.

Like there's no guys I like test to make out. Do you know what I mean? There's no making out. Okay, great, great. It's turn around. No, I do make out for a few dates. I make out. I make out.

Okay, quick, we turn around. I wanna hear your stories. Turn around, drop those pants. I see that. No, I do make out for the first few dates. And then after that, what I'm saying is I don't make out with guys. I know I'm not gonna fuck.

If I know in my mind, like, if we kiss and it's good, it's gonna get there eventually. Do you know what I mean? Oh yeah, yeah. I don't kiss guys unless I'm really. Kiss Lee right now. No.

Kiss Lee. No. He has a girlfriend. He's taken. Lee's taken. I'm not gonna stick my tongue and leave him. When you give Lee a kiss, I will see his head turn red.

No. I'm gonna bomb you. No. You should have seen Lee's face when I said that. He had a semi-hard attack. I had a semi-hard on. I'm like, thank you. No, that too.

It went up and it went right down. I don't think. When he thought about the consequences of shit. I don't think. He's a married manly. He's practically married at this point. He's a married man. He's a decent manly.

Lee is a good guy. So are you, that's a thing. You're a good guy. See, I meet these great guys like you and I think to myself, they're here. They're just, and I know, like, I really do want to meet a good guy, but I don't want to get married.

I have no interest in getting married again. What about I turn you off? Nothing, I'm not against marriage. I just, for me, like, I don't need it. Like, I don't need the ring and the piece of paper. Like, if I'm with someone, if I meet a guy and I'm real, that's why my number's low.

Cause when I meet a guy and I like him, I kind of stop fucking other people not on purpose. I just, when I like someone, I don't really look around for other guys. I know you're supposed to keep a little rotation. That's what I'm trying to get better at. Trying to date a couple at once, but it's hard, cause once I like one,

I start to kind of ignore everyone else. I never really liked promiscuous chicks at a young age. I always avoided them. But now! Unless, no, no, no, unless it was mandatory. You know what I'm saying? No. But I really did, I really did avoid them.

Just because of a fear, and a buddy of mine, I had to go into a clinic one time, and I saw a guy with a rash, and just, it was a combination of things. It was my Catholicism, and all that stuff, you know? And what? I had some of that too. When I hooked up with that chick,

and I left New Jersey, like, I wasn't, I was 22 years old, and I knew what my mission was. And at the time, I really wasn't looking for a woman. Like, it wasn't even in my itinerary. At 22? What was your mission? My itinerary was to find what I loved, try to get back into college, and get my life together.

A woman was not even in the fucking horizon. See, that's kind of the opposite. I was like, that's how I am now. Like, when I was young, I thought, because I'm from Ohio, it was like, find a husband, find a man, find a man. That was kind of it. Now, I feel like how you did then.

Like, I- Well, here's the crazy thing. Not that they weren't in the horizon because of that reason. I'll tell you why the truth was. Because of what this girl had done to me. I was raised that, you know what? Okay, I'm an old school type of dude.

So, you come fuck with me, you're gonna fuck with me. Like, I was watching that. The other night, I was watching the dumbest movie in the world. My wife and I went out to dinner, and we were tired, and she went into bed first with the baby, and I stayed there, and I was watching HBO, and it had the Hector Laval movie on.

What movie? 3430. No, no, no. It's a HBO movie that they did. As a matter of fact, when I was shooting along the yard, the wardrobe chick gave me the script because she worked for Jennifer Lopez, and she goes, read this, and if you like a role in that,

there was really nothing for me. But they shot this movie, and they made it about Jennifer Lopez, but it was about a singer. And the first time he met her, he was on stage, and he found out that it was her birthday, and he went to her house on her birthday. They were having a Puerto Rican party. It's 1970 in New York City in the Bronx,

and it's just a regular Puerto Rican family, on a Saturday night, food, the neighbors, your girls in the hood, and he walks in there, and they're dancing and shit, and he's a regular nerd, Hector Laval. And he's talking to the girl, and finally, the guy comes over, her brother, and he grabs her arm, and he goes,

I got some friendly, brotherly advice for you. If you're gonna fuck with her, you better fuck with her. Do you understand me? And it took me back for a second. I was like, that was always my mentality. I like that. I really like that. If I take Kate, and I bust a cherry,

and once she sucks my dick, and I eat a pussy, Kate belongs to me. Like, it was that type of mentality. Like it was, like you were my woman for life. That's how I was raised. I like that. That's how I was raised, to be honest with you. That was what I was led to believe.

So. For life is long, but. No, so when I got, let me tell you something, that downed my fucking saddles. So when I hooked up with my first wife, and that shit went down, I was done. I was on a, I was on a Kate Quigley. I was on a Sikh, and destroy pussy and asshole tour.

You know, and that's when I started comedy. Yeah. And I took comedy for what it was. You know, you go to a strange town. I have a boyfriend, but he works from four to 12. Well, he works from four to six in the morning. But I could get you a grandma coke. Let's take a look.

That's so crazy. Then next thing you know, you're in the hotel. Next thing you know, we're 69, and next thing I'm coming in, and next thing you know, you're out the door, and I'm sitting there with an eight ball, and you gotta go home and tell your boyfriend, you hang out and watch the movie with me.

It was sad. It was sad, the different situations I was put into, and the different lives I found out about life. Because I can't put it all on women. I know what you mean. Yeah, I can't put it all on women. It's about men too. That's what's happening to me.

That's what's happening to me now. I swear to God, I know this sounds so naive, because I've been out here for 10 years, but I've only been single for like four. And it's really taken me until this year, I still had that innocent Midwestern wholesome mentality, like people don't lie. Like no one's gonna lie to fuck me.

Like everybody's being honest. Like I really, I know it sounds so stupid, but this is the first year I finally realized like what's really going on. Like I dated a few guys in a row that I found out had either a girlfriend and a kid, or a wife, or another, like I keep being the side chick. I am the side chick.

I'm like the consummate side chick, but it never even occurs to me. Like this is the first time I ever, the other day a guy asked me out, said, true story, a football player. He used to, I won't give away who he is, but a football player, he asked me out on a date, we're flirting, we're like DMing,

and then I'm like, okay, we made plans to get a drink. And then my friend goes, you should Google him, just make sure he doesn't have a girlfriend. I never Google people, cause I have like a rule about it, because there's so much shit online that makes it, you can get to know someone without really getting to know them, you know? So I don't Google people.

Finally, I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna Google this guy to make sure he's single. He's married, he's married with kids, and not only married, but he's on like a reality show about like married football players. Like he's publicly like super married. And I was just like, this is so sad that it's at a point in our society

where you have to ask someone, are you single before you go out? Like if someone asks you out, it doesn't mean they're single. Okay, I'm 54 years old. I've been married for nine years, I've been with her for 18 years. Whatever we're gonna do, we're gonna do.

You know what I'm saying? You stay together cause you love somebody, or whatever. It's nice in your mind. Lee and I were having a tremendous conversation once we came on the show, and I don't know how it came up. We were talking about sugar daddies. And we were talking about all that shit. And I was messing around with Lee one day on the phone

and we were both giggling about, Lee, this is how you would do it. You know, like OJ killed his wife, it's the same thing. I go, you could either go out and cheat on your wife and every time you throw spaghetti against a wall, it's gonna stick eventually. Or you could go to Kate and go, Kate, can I talk to you on the side for a second?

I love you, Kate. I've always had a crush on you. I know you wanna smack me in the face on Mary listen. I'm an attorney, I print money. What if, what if, what if, what if I leased you a GSL 360? I'm just making up names and numbers here, guys. What if I put you on Walsha Boulevard, private van lane, but here's the catch.

I come over one night a month and I let you pussy on fire. I know girls would do that. Listen, Kate and I was telling Lee about this and Lee goes, you know, I never really thought of it. I go, Lee, you put them up in Vegas. You know, I stayed away from your family. If you have that type of money,

the only way you're, listen, you have to think about this professional football player. You have to think about how sad this is. How sad our society is that you got three different things here that a girl would show up and suck his dick. Is it professional football? For sure, I'm sure that's what he thought, yeah. Number two, that a guy in that position would risk everything.

Right, that's what I thought. He doesn't even know who you want. You could be some chick that says, come in me. I'm protected. That's what I thought. If she was overloading you. Or how lucky is he? You fucking set him up for $40,000 a month.

Child support ruined his life anyway. You gotta think about these people. Not even just that. And how we make our own fucking graves at the best time of our lives. This is when you're the most vulnerable. So people think that when you were doing what I was doing, like when I was a kid and I was robbing,

that's when you gotta watch your back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the easiest shit. It's when you start becoming successful. Yeah. And all of a sudden your wife is more interested in the kid and her television set and her fucking gamer backgammon. And all of a sudden one night you go,

you know what, my receptionist is looking good. And she was talking to me about dumping a boyfriend and that she's broke and she needs a new car. Ha, ha, ha. The ha, ha. Nobody knows I got a PayPal account that's busting at the seams. Waiting for a young woman to give her an envelope.

You know, and you just lived that life. You go to Vegas. It's crazy though, man. You tell your wife you're gonna play golf, Lee, and twice a month, you're gonna get a little Southwest flight, you even bring the kids away about it. Where you going? Yeah, I'll be in bed early.

You go to Vegas, you go right to your woman's house, you pick up a portable phone with a non-tracer. So even if they're looking for Pablo, they can't find you by mistake, you know what I'm saying? But wait, what I don't get about that is, why have a whole side girl, side relationship that you're paying for instead of just if all that,

if what you really want is just to fuck other people and you have money, why not hire like high-class escorts? Because somewhere along the line is gonna leak and they're 800 a pop. Oh, this is cheaper, I guess in the long run. Yeah, it's 800, 900, a thousand a pop, a tip. And you're still liable that they might say something. That's what's crazy, man.

It's just, I always said when I was married, if I got to a point where I was gonna cheat, I would just leave him. And now there's so many people, there's so many people I know who are in open relationships. Like I couldn't do an open relationship, but I would be open to an occasional threesome. What another girl?

Yeah, so I mean like, but I have friends that are in open relationships where they let their guy occasionally hook up with someone else and it doesn't bother them. So why be in a relationship where you're not getting what you want? Like if you're married to someone and what you really want is to fuck a bunch of other people,

why not just be single? In my world, I don't wanna see nobody else's pussy. I don't wanna see nobody else's penis. Where's Tony Bennett, Texas? Especially no one else's penis. I like that. Aw. Oh, shit.

I feel sober. Fuck it. How was that weed? I liked it. It was good, you can take that. I want you to. That's good weed, it's a cheetah. I don't know how to do it, I don't have one.

You don't wanna do nothing, here we are. Right, you never know how to do nothing. I don't wanna grab it, I don't know how to grab it. Grab the fucking thing like a flute. There's whatever you want. This is kind of, this is kind of a fucked up song, by the way. I was listening to it today. Tony Bennett's like throwing shit down.

Yeah, throw shit down. That's Kate. I'll try. To see how he does it, when he breaks your heart to bits. Oh, shit. No. There's a part of you that sometimes you wanna try that. I never liked the idea.

I never liked the concept. I'm with you, Kate, you're with me, anything else. It can't happen. I like that. It can't happen. Yeah, it can't happen. You know, that's a great idea, but somewhere along the line, something's gonna get fucked up here.

I think you got that. Those people who do threesomes all the time, if you look at the percentages, and they're really honest, somewhere where one night you freak out, or one night I freak out. One night I'm giving a little bit more attention to this brunette, and one night you're sucking this guy's dick like it's the first dick you ever sucked in your life.

True. And your husband sees that. You see me, it's all, listen, all that kinky shit, just listen, if you're doing it, I applaud you, that's making it work for you. I just did never work for me. I'm too uptight, I'm very sorry. I'm just afraid that that's the only way to keep someone

forever. And you know, listen, man, but here's the thing. Here's the thing, a relationship is just like fucking life, okay? I might leave here tonight on the way out. The people in the front thing leave that curtain open. And then there's two kilos of coke and 60,000 cash, and I kick the door, and I take that shit,

and I sell the coke, and I get 120K. But then six months, something's gonna happen in my life, that I'm gonna pay that 120K. Something's gonna happen. I'm gonna get busted with the coke, and I've got a $100,000 bail, or my attorney wants $100,000, and at the end of it all, I'm gonna end up making like $2,000 for what I did.

You pay for everything in life. True. You're in a relationship, you're happy. Every woman's always happy. Every guy's always happy. So that one ex who beat you and stole your car, and stole your mother's fucking value and prescription, and took your brother's gun, he calls you.

And also, they fucks with your head for a week. And it fucks with your head, and here you are with a guy or a girl that you're fucking genuinely happy with. They maybe have one handicap. He doesn't drink, and he snores, or his feet smell, but genuinely, you really wanna marry this guy or this girl. But that dumb whore, or that dumb ass always calls you up after eight months,

and fucks up your head. You're right. And you go over there, and you suck his dick, or you eat a pussy, and at the end of it all, bro, two things happen. Either the thing that happened in Boomerang, which is why I love Boomerang, and what happens in real life,

or you get to jump, and you switch governments. When you don't want, when you cheat on somebody to get somebody, that's never gonna work out down the road. You can't do it, because then it's in their mind all the time. It's in both of your minds. So at that point, you have to decide, you know what this made me realize how much I love that person.

You don't go home, you don't write yourself out. You just don't do it again. Did I tell you what happened with the one threesome that I had? I had a threesome. I've only had one threesome, and it wasn't my relationship. I was like the guest star in this other couple, right? And they were friends of mine.

So I'm friends with both of them, but closer to the girl. And basically the girl is like, hey, we always wanted to have a threesome, and he's super into you, so we did it. And then wouldn't you know afterwards, the guy starts hitting me up on the side all the time, and telling me how he just wants to hook up with me by himself and stuff.

And then I didn't know what to do, because I'm like, do I tell my girlfriend? Because we're friends, but I don't want to ruin their relationship, because they have a good thing going, at least I thought. So I kind of learned a lesson, which is to never, ever have a threesome with your friends. Like, never.

All that time with the guy at the hotel, and they came out here, he left her. Oh, I told you about that. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I didn't do it, I didn't do it then, because they came out here, and they got a hotel room near the Long Beach Laugh Factory, like hoping I would do it.

But I said, I couldn't do it like an order in pizza. Like, it had to be organic. Like, we get drinks, and if it happens, it happens. But then the next time I was in Vegas, we ended up doing it. It was so fun. It was so fun. So you did it again.

Oh, no, I told you about it? Oh, I told you about it in Phoenix. But I didn't tell you on here. You didn't go back. One time. So you did it only once. Oh, wait, well, two nights, but in one trip. Right, right.

So twice, actually. So you got together two nights in the same trip. It was so fun. And then he wanted to leave her for that fucking little dirty bat down there. That's basically, well, basically, yeah, yeah. And she was calling, you're crying. You shouldn't have sucked his dick that good.

He hasn't stopped talking about you. The fuck you think happens. I don't know, but I mean, why would you, this chick is hot as fuck. She's cool. She's funny. Why would you leave a girl that has all these things and is letting you have three sums?

And I even said to this dude, I go, just so you know, I go, she's way cooler than me. Because if you were with me, you wouldn't be fucking other girls. Like, that wouldn't be happening. Oh, no, you'd be gone in a month and a half because he'd fuck more than Jen than one of your girlfriends.

These people are savages. See, they're savages. Probably. And I grew up with savages, man. I think about this girl I grew up with that played the field. And until this day, I always think about it, you know? We were tight. We haven't spoken in 30 years

because her world changed completely. But I remember talking to her when she was 23 and 24. And I remember having the world. She really thought she had the world by the balls. Like, you know what I'm saying? Maybe she did. No, she didn't. She was dating a dude that was married.

Ooh, awful. And their relationship was, well, he was gonna leave her for her. And she was a loved guy. The guy had money and he would pick her up. And he'd take her for two day cruises and Atlantic City and the guy, bro, I tell you what, I grew up with the guy. He was dynamite.

He was dynamite. I loved him. And every time I hung out with him, there was always an adventure. He'd knock somebody out or he'd do 90 and a 20 and get three tickets and, you know what, they used to disappear. They used to get, that was the beginning of blow.

And they would get big bags and disappear for four days and the mother'd be calling and his father'd be looking for him. And I left. By that time I left, I hadn't seen her since 85. But in 87, him and her, then all nighter, they were driving home, drunk driving. They crashed into an old couple and killed a couple.

Oh, no. They let her go and he had to do the timing. But guess what? She pregnant. So they moved her down to Florida. And nobody's ever seen anybody again. No way. Nobody was allowed to see anybody again.

That was part of the deal. That's scary, man. You know, but I still remember she was a knockout. She knew what she was doing. And what she was doing was, she was also fucking two best friends. Yup, see? Carva.

It's Carva. It's Carva. Off your dude and the other. Shit always comes back. Listen, man. Always comes back. As soon as you do something, you open yourself for that person to do it to you.

And then you're involved in a relationship where you get busted, you apologize, you promise you never do it. But in the meantime, Right. Where were you that night? Why didn't you come home? Oh, I was mad at you.

So I fucked Cynthia. The girl you, you know, on all of a sudden now you got one up on him. He got one up on you. So now who's going to fuck who first? Yeah. So now you start sneaking around and he starts sneaking around.

And you know what? Also, it's exhausting. It's exhausting. Living a lie is so, I can't stand lying. Like I would rather, I said this so many times, like there was a guy that I was into, right?

And I told, he was a friend of a comic we know. I was like, hey, hook me up with your boy. And he gave him my number. We start texting. And we're supposed to hang out a couple of times and he kept blowing me off. So finally I go, what's your deal? You got a girlfriend?

Why do you keep canceling? Guys don't cancel when they have plans with a chick. And he was like, I'll be really honest. I don't want to date you. I don't want to date anyone. I'm focused on my career. I just am looking for girls that are hot, that are cool,

that just want to hook up. No guy was ever that blunt to me before, ever. You know, usually guys lie to you and tell you whatever you want to hear to fuck you. When he said that, it was the first time in my life, I sat back and went, huh, all right. So I can like use this super hot guy for sex.

I mean, maybe we'll have good sex, maybe not. So I said to him, let's have one drink. See if we have chemistry. If we do, you can come home with me. If we don't call it a day. And then after that, we don't have to date. We can just see what this is. I swear to God, Joey is the most amazing booty call.

I had him as a booty call for like three or four months. I still will hit him up every once in a while. So this day, if I'm not hooking up with anybody, and it's amazing because he was honest. Like he was just honest up front. When people are honest, you can get so much further. If he were to lie to me and stuff, I'd probably be sitting here like thinking

he's one of those fucking douchebag guys. Honesty gets you laid. That's a moral of the story. Honesty has gotten, and I didn't know about honesty in a relationship. I thought you had to act like a fucking asshole and try to be cool. And I had a friend that was really good looking.

He was very a mama's boy. He was very polite. But when he got a couple drinks of him, he would get down to basics with women. And it was beautiful. Like he'd be super honest, you mean? A little too honest. Oh, is he mean?

In 1982, 81, I saw him work wonders with women. Oh. And he got away with it because he was super good looking. But it was his delivery. Yeah, it's not the looks. Because there's lots of hot guys that are not. He would buy you a drink, talk to you for a little while. That's the attitude.

And then very fucking stupid, stinky. That's what we used to call him, stinky. He's my brother. We don't talk. We haven't talked in 20 years. He would ask you on the side of the white, like, what's the story? Am I next with you or what?

No. Like he would say. That's so ballsy, it kind of works. I had a guy say to me one time, like it was the third night we hung out. We hadn't had sex and we were with a bunch of friends and he paid for everyone. And he wasn't a rich guy,

but he paid for like everybody's tab, which is a turn on. As a girl, when you pull that card, the girl goes, oh shit, this guy doesn't mind spending money on me. He's cool to my friends. Like it's like panty dropper, right? So then he's walking me back to my car

and I really couldn't fuck him that night because I had a super early morning and I had to work and I couldn't take him home with me. But I said to him, I go, I can't believe you paid for all my friends. You didn't have to do that. And he goes, it's all going to be worth it when I get that pussy and I will.

And I was like, you should come home with me. And then I took him home. Just because he said that, like I was fully not planning to, I was like, I got to get sleep. I got to be responsible. And then he said that. And then I took him home.

It's confidence. At least you're right. No, no, it's, I told Leo at the time, go up to him, look him in the eye and hit him right between the eyes, even hit him a little bit harder. So they freeze in their fucking panties. But don't be a fuck boy.

That's my whole thing. No, no, no, no. Don't lie to, like my things just don't lie to women because there are enough girls out there now, like me. I'm a little damaged. I kind of do want a relationship, but I think on the inside I really don't. So I date.

I'm a little damaged. I'm a little damaged, yeah. But I think on the inside, I want a good guy, I want a relationship, but I'm scared. So I date guys that I know won't commit or that'll hurt me just because I'm afraid of something real. So like I have a best friend who we'd probably have great sex

and I think he's hot and we're best friends, but I won't date him because I'm scared. It might be like a real thing and that freaks me out. So I keep dating fuck boys, but here's the thing. I'm just saying, look for a girl like me that's messed up, that doesn't need you to commit. Don't look for a girl. There's a lot of girls that want a guy.

They like want a relationship. But every guy wants a girl to commit. No, they don't. Oh, maybe just not me. Yeah, that's the fucking crazy. Every guy would, you know, always look at you and go, okay, this might be the one she's hot. She's this, but guys will always dismiss you over one thing.

Maybe it's something that reminds me of their mother. One thing, like Jerry, it's like the Jerry Seinfeld thing. Like there's just one little thing. One thing, you tell a guy the truth. Like let me tell you what happened in college. I had this threesome with this big black guy and this guy named Abdullah. He ain't calling you back.

You know what I'm saying? Like if he's someone up, like if he's Lee. I think I've given away too much. Like Lee's from Boston. And Lee's from Boston and you told Lee that in college and Lee was thinking about marrying you. He would go home short circuited right there. This is why I'm going to be single forever

because guys, no, because guys meet me and then they find out what I do. And then the first thing they do is hop on the internet and Google and then up pops the church of what's happening now and me talking about eating guys' buttholes and getting peed on in the shower. They know all that stuff. No, they don't.

They'd pee on your face and just your tits. No, ew. I would not let a guy pee on my face. Well, where'd he pee? Like chest down. Perfect. That's a nice thing. It wasn't that bad.

It smells like vinegar cleans everything. It was only one time though. Like I wouldn't make it a habit because it was like splashing on my neck. What were you thinking? Well, this is going on like. Honestly, I was thinking this has to be rock bottom. That's what I was saying.

Like it can't get worse, you know? But it did get worse. That was actually the first guy dated after my ex-husband. The first relationship. P on you guys. Lee, how are you feeling over there, Lee? I'm okay.

I'm wondering how long it lasted after the pee. Did it go? The relationship? Yeah. A while, like six more months. I don't know, once you pee on somebody, they're in for sure. That's like an engagement way.

That's an engagement way. Let me tell you something. I don't even have one chick that liked P on that. It was crazy. It's crazy. She liked it? Yeah, she liked it. Oh, why?

I never really asked. I was fucked up on drugs. She would do it with me. What is it about urine that turns you on? She used to want to have sex with you and then wait around for you to pee, that first load of pee. She said that, it turned around.

Wait around, wait. It was disgusting. It was in Boulder, Colorado. She was disgusting. She was disgusting. Would you pee on her at the end? Or would you pee on her in the shower? No, I'd just drag her into the shower

and just pee on her chest and her face and her mouth. Now, I think women are probably a little bit more forward. Did she ask you to do this like the first date or like the second day of it? The first date. It was a creepy relationship. It was a creepy fucking relationship. I don't know what kind of women Lee is going down with.

Ask him first date. We used to buy coke at the same place. You and her? I thought you meant me and you. No, this girl used to go over there and used to buy coke in Boulder. This started in 19, maybe 86. He was like always my last hookup.

Like because he lived on the other side of Boulder where I ran. So I knew her from them and I bumped into her at bars. Is that how you met her? Did you pass her by in drugs? No, I'd pass her in this house. The guy had a really nice house. Got it.

She was a nurse. She had like a cute boyfriend at the time. But when I'd see her, she'd stop and talk to me. And she'd tell me, just tell the boyfriend, you know me from Pearls or something. We talked and the boyfriend came over and he shanked my hand. This went on for a few years.

I got married. I still saw her every two months. Well, guess what? Her and the boyfriend broke up. Right? So she was really cute. She was a nurse, but she always had the nurse outfit on. But she covered those titties.

And she used to run like 18 miles a day. Her ass was tight. And I'm looking at her. She's a dirty white chick, just how I like them. She was a granola chick, like her armpits probably stunk and shit. So, I used to walk in front of my condos in Boulder. I used to drive out of there and I'd see her walking.

And after about a few months when that pulled up, I'm like, what are you doing? I forgot what the fucking name was. She's like, great to see you. Oh, I go down to the hospital. I go across the street to take the bus. I go, oh shit, we start talking. She goes, I live up there in those apartments

right across the street, 3F, whatever the fuck it was. So she just lived over there. I'm married. I got a kid. I ain't bothering nobody. In those days, I was in and out of the halfway house. I never even thought of it like that. One day my wife leaves.

And I'm in that apartment by myself one night. You know what I mean? Package and I fucking do a few lines. And I'm like, who the fuck can I call for a piece of ass? Wow. And I go, oh my God, the girl across the street. And I went across the street, went up to her door. I fucking couldn't do it.

I went over, she had like a sliding glass over there. And she was just sitting on the couch with her street clothes watching TV by herself. I couldn't do it. Really? I couldn't do it. It took me like two weeks. I tried to get a number from the drug dealer.

He wouldn't go for it. He wouldn't fucking go for it. Oh, I thought you meant you couldn't do it because like you felt bad to do it. You mean you actually- I couldn't just knock on her fucking door. I was raised, you got to call a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying?

Really? Yeah, at that time it was 1991, we were just separated. Oh, you were separated. We were separated. Oh my God. I was a little heartbroken, but still I wanted a piece of ass. And you wouldn't just knock on her door and ask.

No. Wow. That's really more personal than a phone call. That one night I got hammered and I stayed by my balcony and I saw her get out of her door and she had like a dog. And she went to walk him and I ran downstairs

and I made believe like I was going to the liquor store. And she's like, Joey, what are you doing? Like I'm going to the liquor store. She goes, so am I. We walked over to the liquor store and we both got like booze and she goes, what are you going to do?

Like I'm going to go home. Come over to my place. Gotcha. It was over. Cause she was like a drunk that would give it up. You know what I'm saying? The drunks. I mean, you know what's funny is like back then

neighbors would knock on your door sometimes for things. But imagine now if someone showed up, like if someone just showed up in my apartment and knocked on my door, like a guy that I knew was interested in me but didn't live in my building or something, I would freak the fuck out. Yeah.

That happened to me. Did I tell you that? No, it sure it happens to you. That's not normal. I don't think that happened. It's not supposed to happen but people don't know the fucking rules sometimes. Yeah.

This was actually super creepy. I had a rat party for my playboy channel show. A guy showed up there and he was like, hey Kate, I live in your building. And I was like, oh, that's weird. I've never seen you before. He's like, yeah, I happened to be at the pool and I saw the party I thought I'd stop by.

It was at like the W hotel pool. So I was like, oh, nice to meet you. You know, say hi in the building sometime. Then the next couple of days, I kept running into him in my building like in a laundry room, in the garage. And I was like, oh, hey man, it's so weird. I never saw you.

Now all of a sudden I'm seeing him all the time. And then the next night I get knocked on my door. It's three o'clock in the morning. It's this guy. And he's like, hey, I just need to talk to you. And he looks strung out, right? And I didn't open the door. I was like, hey man, I'm in bed.

You should take off. And he was like, I gotta talk to you. It's really important. And I was like, listen, I'm gonna call the cops if you don't leave. Like you're freaking me out. So he leaves and never see him again. It turns out he hasn't lived in my building.

He was just like some creeper. Yeah, no. How scary is that? Dog, I don't suggest nobody to open up a fucking door. Unless I got your number and I call you like a gentleman and go, okay, they're gonna come over. I'll talk to you about something. I got an itch in my heart.

And itch in my heart. And then I would be like, hang on while I puke. One sec, one sec. You know what I'm saying? Like it's just, I can't imagine people coming over here. So I didn't. But that night with the dog, I went up there and I talked to her.

I think we made out and she was like, okay, you can knock whenever you want. Damn. Cause I told this, I came up to one night but I was kind of embarrassed. And I went up there one night, looked in the curtain there, she was like an lingerie,

like half drunk. She had been waiting for me like since eight. It's like 12 o'clock at night. And I knocked on the door and I remember going in there and we swapped bed and we went at it for a little while. And after the whole thing is over, she goes, wait, wait, did you come on my stomach? I'm like, yes.

She goes, when you pee, I want you to pee on me. And I'm like, what? I was sucked up. When you pee. And I go, where would you like me to do this? She goes in the shower, hurry up. Did she want it on her face? Everywhere.

And then she would shower right after that. I wish we could call her. I wish she still had her number. I want to know what. I don't want to have her number. If somebody lets you pee on them, I want those people gone for me. Hey, I let my boyfriend pee on me.

Yeah, but if you still talk to him, you're fucking moved the law. Do you know who said something to me on this podcast I took with me to my soul? You said, if you let a guy fuck you in the butt, he'll never take you to dinner again. And I let a guy do that. Only one.

And I told you about it on here. He never took me to dinner again. And then it ended. Once a guy fucks in the ass, you know. So don't let guys do it ever, basically. No, no, no. I didn't say that. Let them invest a little bit.

Let them give you love. Let them buy you some stuff. Maybe like an anniversary present. Some guys, that's all that. Listen, when 1979, the year my mother died, all I wanted to be was a purple belt. You know what I'm saying? That's all I wanted to be was a purple belt.

The point of this story is some guys just want to fucking in the ass and to loop. That's the point of that story. I like that you somehow managed to loop in the year your mom died with getting fucking in the ass. All I wanted to be was a purple belt. And the purple belt. That's all I wanted to be was a purple belt.

Do you ever cry at jujitsu? Today I almost cry. Really? No, not cry like that. Like cry, no. I cried at yoga today. Because you got emotions that are deep into your soul. I know.

And when you start stretching, instead of the blood flowing, you get all this shit that comes out of you. It's like quitting coke and going to sweating. It was embarrassing as fuck. And then I started thinking about maybe there's a better work hour. I won't cry ever.

Well, sometimes doing certain things brings a certain emotion on you. I don't know how to describe it like this time. Yeah, I know. My wife was watching something. It was the tribute to the Bee Gees. Oh. All right, she was just scrolling.

She was waiting for the walking dead, whatever the fuck she was watching on Sunday nights. To make my point, she was watching this thing with the Bee Gees and shit. And I'm hearing that, staying alive music and all that from that album. When I sit down and I'm watching this, and Travolta goes up there

with this fucking plastic surgery and shit. And he goes, you know what? You know, like this, and I'm looking at him when he ready to laugh at him and I'm about to put the music down. Like these people trying to say, and I was like, oh, what a second? They're honoring the Bee Gees.

And number two, this guy Travolta was as creepy as fuck. Said something that he said to somebody, this isn't your generation. I still remember getting five of my boys chipping in and getting a nickel bag, getting a bottle of Blackberry brandy and maybe six wine coolers. I had drinking this, smoking this,

and going to see Saturday Night Fever in the movie theater. And I gotta tell you something quickly. I'm sitting there with my wife and all of a sudden just sitting there, tears, started to flow out of my eyes. My nose, I couldn't breathe because my nose got congested because that music all of a sudden had struck a chord.

It's music. I saw myself in the seventh grade walking up the hill, the cats to bus. I saw myself walking out of there dancing like we would dance after with John Travolta. My brother knew John Travolta, he loads trucks over. Yeah, everybody always knows somebody in Jersey. It was just, it took me back there.

And I got emotional, I didn't even stretch. I was just sitting there. It was the music today too though, I think. It's the music. Yeah, this music came on. It's just like, it's so easy, man. Like certain songs, they do, they take you right back. It reminded me, you know what it was?

It was some song that took me back to being a kid. My mom, the year my parents got divorced, my mom taking me to a dance class. And then this is so dumb, but my mom used to take us to dance class. She was single. And then like one day a week, we would go to Pizza Hut and we would get to put money in the jukebox.

And that was like the highlight of my week, every week. And so my mom took me there and we would put money in the jukebox and play this song. It was this Whitney Houston song. And then it came on today and I started crying because I started thinking about my brother and sister and being little, my parents divorced and like, it's crazy, I still can cry over my parents' divorce.

I still think it's my fault in my 30s. You know what would be fucking amazing? If that happened, if you walked into a Pizza Hut and you smelled that pizza. Every time I smell pizza, I just start crying. I get how your memory works. I get soft at different times and I go, Jesus, why'd that happen?

Like I'll think of it, like the other day we were talking about Stay With The Heaven with Rogan and all these people. And I was telling them why I thought Stay With The Heaven, they couldn't overturn it and say that they couldn't rub. You know why? You know what was the main, like I said at the other day, it was an anthem for so many people.

But most importantly, do you know how many people I know personally that died and that album was put in their casket? No way, for real? Well, that was played at their funeral. Wow. Oh my God, if you died after that song came out and you were like young,

that's the song that came out at your funeral. Like that's how cheesy it got. It became the number one requested song. At funerals. No, in the fucking world. Like that was the number one most requested song or something for 10 or 15 years. Wow.

Unbelievable. How many people requested that song on radio stations? That's why they could never overturn that. How many people buried a loved one with Zeppelin IV in the fucking casket? That's pretty amazing. Are you kidding me? I get a T for, like I said, for a fact, I know two people.

I'm gonna get buried with your comedy album in my casket. No, don't do that shit, don't do that shit, the massacre's a death. Literally. Oh, cool. I know. I know. You gotta come home and cut open a chicken and shit.

You're putting the fucking kiss of death on me. Lisa, how you feel on the back? See, Lisa, you said you trained this weekend. The bomb got you with the one, two. Right. And then the fucking transmission fluid with the two stars, which is really nuts. The three stars.

How you feel? So you wait two, how many, what's in the transmission fluid? 200. 200, so you wait two, two, that's four. And how many stars? Three. Three.

You can do that in your sleep. That's true. But you see from switching it up, how the tolerance changes, it's a different THC. The other one, this one's made with transmission fluid. The other one's made with hash. See, because if not, he wouldn't get high. He's higher than fuck.

I can tell. I thought he was a sleeper. You know how he is. He's half a fucking. What did I do? What is this? I want some. You're gonna take whatever you want.

Well, I just met in life, like I gotta buy this. This was great. What, this little bomb? It woke me up, like, at all. This is the mule of death. Oh, this is the weed of death. This is called. The weed of death?

Oh yeah, you said it's blue cookies. Blue cookies. It's a sativa, whatever the fuck they call it. I gotta get into weed. I really do. You know, I think it would help my anxiety. I think it would be good for, I have a lot of issues. I get two in my head.

I overthink shit. Well, your mind runs away with you, which is gonna be bad. And good. It's gonna be good with the weed. But it's funny because my wife came in excited to it. And she's like, listen, there's some lady who had a baby. And then she had menopause, depression and this and that.

So they gave a Zoloft and this, that, this and that. And all of a sudden she started smoking weed. Now she writes a blog, the potty mommy or something like that. Potty mommy? Something, she's from Studio City or something. She goes, you gotta read her stuff. She, so I'm gonna check it out. My wife has the name at the house.

I kind of wanna go and like have, I've heard that you can go and they'll tell them what's wrong with you. And they'll tell you what kind of weed to buy for your issues. Listen, let's play something. You don't have to do that. I can already see what kind of weed you need. You need this in the morning.

As soon as you wake up, after you drink your coffee, you drink coffee? Yeah. A little cup of coffee, you get balanced out. You wash yourself, you wash your hair, you get all dolled up. Then you do two, one little bonus. Just one.

Just one out the window. Exhale, all the bad energy that you were thinking about in the shower. Whoever you hate that day, whoever you don't wanna see. No hate. Take them out of your life with that exhale. And the first 30 minutes, 40 minutes of your day,

they'll be the most creative time you ever have in your life. You'll love it so much that you'll make time for that creative domain. I believe it. As in you have a call at nine, you'll cancel your spot the night before because you're gonna be five. Because you fell in love with a part of the day

that you didn't know existed. And guess what? There's only one person who lives there. You. Oh my God, it's the spookiest fucking thing. Listen, when you wake up at 4.30, but you set the timer for your coffee for 4.15, then you get up.

You get up at 4.15? When I, for me to, when I first started this process, which is writing a blog, no matter what, on Monday mornings, on Myspace, when this started, I knew I was dead. I knew I had to do something. So worst case scenario, I know plenty of comedy writers that had just got awful.

Yeah. I knew I could write. So on Mondays, I started writing a blog and I would force myself. On Mondays, I would write it, but I would start preparing it the day afterward. I don't know book. Oh wow.

So how I did it was, I'd get up at 4.30 and drink a little bit of coffee. I'd smoke a bong hit. I'd make notes and then I'd walk across the street at 5 a.m. and walk into the YMCA with my mind on fire. This is the shit. And then would you work out?

I don't drop this. Would you work out? Listen to me. Yeah. Why you getting out of the game? Oh, oh shit. Where's the lighter? I'm not ahead.

I'm so into this. At five in the morning, when your mind is on a sativa, maybe two or three bong hits, too many of you were supposed to do. Yeah. And that sativa actually makes you at 400 pounds,

get up, put flip flops on, put a bathing suit on, put a hood that sweats you down with a t-shirt. And I would go across the street. I would fucking hang up my jacket. I would have a towel. And the first thing I would do is I would go in the steam room

and throw some eucalyptus in that motherfucker. And they'd say, don't put the hose on the thermometer. Listen to me. I would bury the hose under the cold water. I would make that room go down to 3000 fucking degrees. You could cook a turkey in there and I'd put the eucalyptus in there. And it would open me to fuck up all that phlegm

and all that fucking malukya you have in your lungs. You just start spitting it out by the chunks. And it would pull the top core of your skin out, all those little minerals that, when you go to In-N-Out Burger and when you eat somebody's ass and they have sodium in their pussy or something, you get burnt.

And then I would jump. Listen to what I would do. I would take that same hose, put it all over me and go into the sauna. And I would go back and forth with that sativa mind on fire, just trying to remember the jokes and the thoughts. And then after I'd do that for about 20 minutes, I'd run out into the pool, the heated pool.

And I'd do laps for like 40 minutes. I'd come in, I'd do a steam, another sauna, I'd wash my pussy and I'd walk back. My wife wouldn't get up till I ate those days. So I'd get back around six. I gave me two hours by myself after exercise to write. You're a young girl, you could pull this off. I'm an old man, I can't get up.

Heart attacks happen between six and four. 4 a.m. Did you take naps? Sometimes. But you could get up at four and go to your spot at night and stay up. And so you're honestly- I would take a nap, you're right.

I would take a nap. I'd be so tired of going to bed. I wouldn't have nap. Yeah. But I would do that five days a week just to prepare myself to write. To give my, I read one of those books by like Spielberg or somebody

and they said to give yourself a window. And I go, what a better window to force myself to do two things I hate to do. Exercise and write. You know, honestly, working out makes me so creative. I always write the most jokes right after my work or during like if I go for a hike, I hike alone a lot.

Like I like to write on my hikes. While I'm hiking, I just- Yeah, you like that. You see shit that inspires you. Yeah, I really do. It's really a weird world when you have to, like for years I went on the road and didn't do anything healthy.

Now I go on the road. And I'm healthier on the road than when I am at home. Because there's no raisins with covered with yogurt in my fucking closet. You know, now I got pretzels at the fucking house covered with yogurt. I told my wife, stop buying those fucking things. I come in here at midnight and I'm fucking starving.

It sounds weird, but like I read an article a few years ago, an interview with Kevin Hart. And he was talking about how fitness is so important for stand-up. Unbelievable. Yeah, unbelievable. And he was like, I train for it like as if I was an athlete. Because your mind's gotta be sharp.

Yeah, because your mind's gotta be sharp. And for your mind to be sharp, your body's gotta be sharp. And I mean, it's not about like how you look, but just like being physically healthy is so huge. You know, for years I just stand up and I was a mess. And part of my mess was that I wasn't working out. I was telling my wife today that my wife and I were talking about a shirt we found.

Before we left, before we got married, we lived on Schrader Street. I said, Schrader, Schrader. And there was a closet we had with old t-shirts. And one night she goes, what are we gonna do with these clothes? And this was back in my fucking cigarette, cocaine, reefer, whatever you had, I did.

And she pulled out, Lee, come out of your coma. She pulled out this white shirt, like a white t-shirt, long sleeve. You should have seen what the armpits look like. Oh God. They look like coffee filters. Oh no. From what I was sweating through my body.

But you know why? Because I wasn't sweating. When you don't sweat and you release that shit, it builds up. I didn't know, listen guys, that I know this is fucking dirty, no. But I know now I'm addicted to sweat. Instead of cocaine, I transferred that,

like now when I go on the road, when I get my whatever sheet, and they sent me the sheet the night before, first thing I do, first thing I fucking do is I look at the hotel. And I look to see what type of weights they have. I can't swim anymore. But now these hotels have great gyms.

How come you can't swim? Because the water in my ear, I gotta go back to the doctor Wednesday at three. Because I love swimming. I love it too, especially at those hotels, especially Friday. It's empty. You swim Friday, and then Saturday you lift weights

and do the elliptical. Yeah, I love it. So you put together a great little fucking workout. You know, when I go away now, that's the first thing I plan. Is that, cause I know by three o'clock, I'll get up, I'll take a nap, I'll watch gangland, I'll eat breakfast, I'll do radio.

But at three o'clock, you get a certain edge. And it's the weirdest edge, nothing can. You almost can't wake up, right? You can't, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Until you do it. Your brain's like cloud. You get your fucking iPod, you go down to the gym, you stretch, you do the bicycle for 10, 15 minutes,

you do push-ups, sit-ups. And then I would just lift weights. I'd do a cycle and then fucking do the elliptical for 40, and I would walk out of there shaking. But I already knew what I was gonna eat. I already knew that when I got upstairs, I already had a protein shake in my room from CVS, plus, I was gonna call the front bar

and tell them to throw a salmon steak for me, salad with blue cheese dressing. I go in the shower, I wash my pussy, so I don't have to waste time at the front bar. I go downstairs, my salmon's ready. I go up, no, no, no, I still got an hour to right now. So when I'm digesting in the room, smoking the vapor pen,

eating nicotine gum like a motherfucker, getting ready for the 745 pickup, you understand me? You're digesting, you're thinking, you're resting, you're living like fucking Theodore, you know what I'm saying? It's the best, it's literally the best. My day is planned to the ultimate on the road. Your days are always planned to the ultimate. People come to me on the road, they wanna do this,

they wanna do that, listen, you're in no danger of doing nothing. I'm gonna give you the window I got, two or three hours to do press. After that, I don't give a fuck of people coming up. You know, also though, and clearly, I'm no kind of psychologist or anything like that, but I get really super fucking depressed for a while.

I thought maybe I should get on something for depression. And for me, when I work out, it's insane. I go outside, that's why I hate it, cause the sun, a little vitamin D. Vitamin D is, listen, I tell you all the time, people got tested here in California through the survey, and everybody was low on vitamin D. Which is crazy, cause we have so much sun, go outside.

Five, 10 minutes, I go, there's days I get up going, oh my God, I can't wait to go to Jiu-Jitsu. And I go outside and I go, I'm gonna put my boxing gloves on, I'm gonna hit the bag behind the house. Oh, that's so fun. I'm gonna chop some rope, I'm gonna do some kettle bells, I'll do some fucking back things

that they taught you in tactical fitness. I'll do a push-up sit-ups, I'll do hip escapes on the grass. That's why I got, if you look at my legs, I got scratches and shit. It's so fun. When I basically do it to get the sweat, to make the sun suntan you with your own personal sweat, it gives you a different type of color.

It gives you a different type of color. It's not like put, I'm telling you. You think you get a different shade of tan? You go outside at 11.30 and you do a body weight exercise with a dumbbell, okay, for 40 minutes and let your body really get drenched. I wanna come over and hit the bag, I would do that. Smell the first layer of sweat that comes out of your body

and the thickness of it, it's a little on the thicker side, but it's just very, I mean, you really can't prove it, but you can't because after that, you feel the next stuff that's coming out. When you feel that and you, instead of drying off in between swings or curls or whatever the fuck you doing, you sit out in the sun and you let that sun bake that a day or two later,

look at your face. You're gonna go, wow, what did I do? It's the water treatment. No, it's the way that the sweat, because it was natural. It wasn't like, you can't put suntan powder under here and shit. Suntan powder, what are you talking about? It was on your eyelids, fucking natural sweat.

The way it absorbs the sun is the best feeling in the world. It's a better tan. It's a better tan. It is the best feeling. You know how I know, Cuban people. I totally agree. Cuban people ain't got no suntan lotion, look at them. Look at them.

Gorgeous. No, not about gorgeous, the skin color. Yeah. They live off their sweat. I can't go outside in the sun. You're a fucking sack of shit. You can do whatever you want. You're Jewish, you get the world by the balls.

They got Arab people, they got mountain, they got desert Jews, they got black Jews. Did we tell you I hit him up to go hiking? I invited him to come hiking with me. I'm going to make you go out. And he was like, what did you write me back? You said, just so you know, I do want to get in shape, but I hate working out and I hate walking.

That's what he said to you? Oh, yeah, he hates walking. And I was like, well, that's not really a way for you to get in shape. If you can't walk, we're going to have a problem. I saw a thing on Instagram of they're still doing the shaker things. And I think it's for like Jiu-Jitsu people,

but I was hoping it was real. What shaker, that shake weights? No, like when they put the band around you and you stand on like a machine that shakes you up and down. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you still have to stand for that. I can stand for that. How long does it take?

You stand on it and it vibrates. But you're supposed to do other exercises with that. You don't just stand on a vibrating machine. I don't think that's the way. What even a vibrating machine? You stand and they put a belt around you? There's a thing at the gym that you use. The 1950s.

It vibrates and it's supposed to make you engage all your muscles to balance so you tone up and burn extra calories just standing on it. I forget what it's called. It's something plate or something. I don't know. Are you okay? Ooh, that edible got to me.

Oh, shit. I feel great. I have my first ever sativa. I do a lot of firsts on here. I wonder what else I could do for the first time on here. Wait till the show's over. Hey, Tarzan, 500 milligrams and I feel good. You did 500.

You look good. When did you do 500? Time before. Bro, what do you think you're dealing with? I don't know what I'm being. You're an amateur douche. This is not good, Joey. Well, I'm proud of you.

How did it feel doing it for 40 days? I feel high. Not like the world's gonna end. That's good. That's always a good feeling when you don't think the world is ending. Listen, man, there was a couple of nights I had scares in the seat.

I'm not gonna lie to nobody. 2000. In this seat? Listen, sometimes you get fucked up at the house. You forget they're in your system. Last time I was here, I was freaking the fuck out. Where? What did you eat last time?

Mushrooms, but I never did them. Well, here's what happened. What do you want to do today? I brought nothing. I brought tequila. Forget about the tequila. No, last time. And then I did an edible.

It says free hugs. Free hugs. Free hugs, Shay. And then I did it. You gotta drink tequila. We got a half a Cosby pill. What do you want to do? No, I don't know.

But last time I did weed. I did edible, a Death Star thing. And tequila and mushrooms. No, this is good. I like this stuff. That's yours. That's your own personal tea. We'll get a pipe for you.

But I'm saying last time I was here, every time I would start a sentence, by the time, it was so weird. By the time I would get to the end of the sentence, I wouldn't remember the beginning. So I kept feeling like maybe I was starting stories and ending different stories. I was so fucked up.

So fucked up. That was the only time ever. And I went home that night alone. And I swear to God, I got on my phone. I started like texting every guy I've slept with ever like, come over, I'm on mushrooms. And no one would come over. I just wanted to, I heard sex on mushrooms is amazing.

So I wanted to try it. Did you try it? What? Sex on mushrooms? I had a heart. Those drugs never really, for me, they didn't work to have sex. I didn't do mushrooms until I moved to Colorado.

And then two or three times I did mushrooms. I didn't really want to be with anybody because I had diarrhea. On some people, the chemical imbalance immediately gives you the squirts. Oh, wow. I don't want to have rotten ass when you're trying to fuck and suck and eat mushroom ass.

You know what I'm saying? It's bad. Yeah. It sounds pretty awful. You're eating mushroom ass and all of a sudden it smells like shit in the room. So no. Hey, when that happens.

Yeah. I was a coke. I've never had that bottle. I was a coke pill, booze, sex type of motherfucker. Talk for a little while, talk some shit. You know what I'm saying? Sure. What do your parents do?

Okay. Really? No shit. Okay. Let me ask you something. You're gonna take the shirt off and you're gonna just sit there looking good. Yeah.

And after a couple more lines, you take the shirt off, the pants come off, and you just fuck around for a little while. You dance. We put on... You dance, naked. No, I'm naked. What do you think I'm gonna say?

I'm just picturing you like standing there just like swinging your neck around. No, I'm a professional. I let you dance for a little while with the heels on and a little underwear. The girl dances for you. Man, just sit there. I don't do that.

We're doing a couple more. A guy would run away screaming. No, you're very sensual. No, no, no, no. I'm sensual, but when I try to dance in heels, I follow it. You don't have to dance, Kate. Take the heels off, then.

Kate, you don't have to dance. You don't have to do that. Do you know that I had a fan hit up some, there's some website where you can order private videos of people that you're really into and this guy hit them up and was like, I want a private video of Kate just doing something sexy. I know she isn't too nudity, whatever.

So I don't do nudity. So they called me and were like, what are you down to do? This guy's gonna pay a lot of money. And I was like, well, my friend is a stripper. Why doesn't she give me a lesson in lap dancing? So she can teach me how to give a lap dance. When I tell you it was the most fucking awful,

terrible lap dancer. You know how I'm dancing. I couldn't even walk from the, I couldn't walk from the wall to the chair without stumbling. Like I'm so. I'm coming by you with an elegant dress. With some slits on the side, no panties on.

No top on, just the smell of seduction. With heels on, suntan legs, ACDC. ACDC. Put it on, night prowler. See, a lot of women wanna shake their tits and they wanna shake their ass and show you they're fucking pussy. If you can't dance to this song,

this song is the toughest dance a woman could dance to, but she really doesn't have to dance. It's all in her hips and how she attacks you with this fucking jam. I wanna hear it. I'm gonna listen to it real fast. I don't wanna come to people. This is how it all, you never heard this in a strip club?

When this come on, all the clumsy girls leave. But the bitches who know how to make money. Ha ha ha ha ha. They gotta freeze right there. You gotta freeze and just move your little hips. You know I'm taking that note. There you go, kid. You just drop them on the fucking right there.

That's easy. Yeah, you pull your skirt up a little bit, the bush covers out a little bit, and that's what it is. Just a bush through the skirt. Is it the 70s? Whatever, you have to have a bush to fucking seduce him. Listen, I'm starting the company.

What? Where you could glue a bush on like a toupee. Shut the fuck up. No you're not. And give him a choice. No you're not. I've patented already. No you're not.

Me and this Jew named Greenstein. He's a genius. You're selling toupee. For the pussy, just in case. No you're not. You wanna switch governments in between. You could freak out who you're with. Please tell me this is real.

I swear to God, me and this guy was planning it. Oh my God. We fucking got a plan. What does it stick on with? It sticks on with it like a, you only have three hours for it to stick on. So let's say you bring the guy home, you go, let me go check myself out.

You go see what your pussy smells like. It's like a weave for your vagina. No, there's little strips, like a picture of Hitler, a picture of Charles Manson, a thing that says love, and they don't know. How's it gonna stay on when you're fucking? Because it's dry. When you come out there, go, ugh.

And then we have the original bush, the OG bush, that sticks on with no gel. You come out and you have that on your pussy. I have a question. What though? Do you have an extension that goes into the butthole? Like, like, not yet. No, nobody wants that.

Well, some people like one. Listen, guys, like. Butthole hair. No, no, no. Not butthole hair to be wild and tropical. What we want it to be is trimmed, and like the asshole has like flowers coming out of it. No.

Like, it's just very much. Flowers? Like baby's breath. Just a little hint. When I was young, I saw a girl who trimmed her asshole and it was perfect. Oh my God. I used to like it.

Yeah, it was tremendous. It was tremendous. Wait a second. But here's what I'm picturing. So you get with somebody and you start fucking, and whatever it is that's holding this on is not gonna hold when you're, you know. Well, no, no, no.

It's an illusion. So then when it comes off, isn't it? You come out and go, baby. The hairy monkey is shaved monkey. And he'll go, I like it shaved and you go too bad and you pull that skirt up and it's a fucking swamp ahead. And he'll tell you, well, what are you not doing? And you rip it off in front of him.

And throw it in his fucking face. Like a fucking, you're unleashing a superhero. That's a concept. That's what the wig company's called, superhero. Oh my God. Superhero person. Perfect. I think that's great.

And you take care. Yeah. You shave. You take care too? Yeah. I like the dick hair idea. What the fuck are you thinking about? You think I'm paying attention here?

You think I'm hanging out here? What about chest hair also? Can we get some? You don't need to know that shit. For the men? No, you don't need chest hair. I'm still developing the asshole hair cause I'm trying to find like dead Chinese people.

Donate their hair. Cause that's the only thing that works for anal hair. It's so- Very fine. Let me get some shout outs here real quick. Dead people donate things. Because before they died, they say donate my fucking asshole hair.

You can only have Asian hair. I want to give a shout out and my sorrow is to Mr. 252 HBI to Zizzle 252. He's going through a thing with his family. Our prayers go to his family, Jordan Campbell, Lewis, Jaime, Rodriguez, Cody, 1980. My tweets will, my tweets kill fascist, David Sharp, Sonny Erickson,

with the fucking Swedes, I love you. And the stand up fan fellow Chris L and my main man Berger, I hope your daughter's doing better. You know, I love you motherfuckers to death. So what's next for my girl? So you got the agency now. Yeah. You told me you want to do action movies.

Well, they just asked me like, what would be your ultimate? Like if you were going to shoot a movie, what would you want to do? And I said like an action comedy, like ride along with chicks, like something where I get to like beat people up and do stunts. Fuck that.

You want to pull your head back. You want to wear that little vest, tame it down a little bit, but show them the titties, make believe there's something even bigger than what there is under those guns. Get on TNT, get on TNT and do one of those Rosalia Niles type show for six years.

Nobody gets their feelings hurt. Everybody loves you. It's comedy drama, but it's funny also. That'd be fun. That's what you want to get involved with. That'd be fun. It's action. You still chase drug dealers, you beat up guys,

you know the damn. You know, I mean, I have fun doing everything. That's a thing is that people always ask like, if I want to host, if I want to act, I have fun doing all of this. So like anything I get is fun, but what else I'm working on this fuck boy patrol show. So if you're dealing with a fuck boy, hit me up.

I want to do this. We're doing this. Now what is the definition of a fuck boy? Basically. Uncle Joey knows the terminology here. There's a few definitions in the urban dictionary, but basically it's just a guy that is only interested in fucking,

but he'll lie to you to fuck you. And he's like, he pretends to care, but he's shallow like. That's every guy. No, it's not. Listen, every guy wants to fuck you and finger bang you. I'll take your nervous breakdown. It's not every guy.

And tell him your dreams. No. And you break down, you tell him, I want to have children with you. My father's name is Edgar. No. No, no, no. And next thing you know, you're together

cause you had a nervous breakdown. Now we love each other. It's like what we were talking about earlier, where we were talking about how like guys that are fucking around on a bunch of girls, but none of the girls know. It's just genuinely like guys that are shit, like not real men,

like guys that are just fucking around being fuck boys. That's it. So the show is like cops meets cheaters kind of. You did a lot of fuck boys. I've dated some. Not on purpose. And it's kind of sexy for a while. It's so fun.

In your mind. That's the problem. You know somebody who's doing something and you don't mind, you're in the back of your mind, you're like, I'm going to win them over. You know, my pussy's the best, my dick is the best. There's a guy I hooked up with. We kind of dated, but really it was just,

well, this happens to me a lot where I think I'm dating someone, but we're really just having sex. So we were kind of dating and long story short, the sex was so fucking good. I was so blind to everything else. And we finally quit seeing each other. And then he hit me back up, not too long ago to hook up. And I'm not dating anyone or fucking anyone.

So I was like, sure, let's do it. Get together. And we have the best sex, right? And then I'm hitting him up a few days later because I want to hook up again. And he was like, I'm busy. And I was like, it's been, I was like, it's been a week. It was just like, fuck me already.

Like, when are you free? And he wrote back, hey, just cause I gave you some amazing dick, don't get an attitude with me. That's what he wrote me back. And all I thought is that's the whole thing with fuck boys is that it's just like these guys that realize that the tables are kind of turned out here. Like a great dick is hard to find and they know and he knows

and he knows I'm not hooking up with a lot of guys. He knows me. So he knows like in this scenario, like, you know, guys always say pussy has the power. In this scenario, the dick has the power. That's like basically a fuck boy is a guy who realizes that the dick has the power. I realize that he has the power.

Sometimes the man, if a guy is really good and bad, I hate to admit it, but he does have a lot of power because that's very hard to find. Like I can tell you're good and bad. No, I'm not. Cause I can tell. Cause I come in a minute. No, you don't.

But I can tell that you threw it down. Cause you talk about choking girl. Oh yeah. You got a fucking, you know, it wasn't my growing up doing. But when I met the stripper, she used to make me give her a beating before sex a good beating. But that's what I'm saying.

So like that's what makes a guy good in bed. It's not about how fast he comes. It's about the attitude. It's about that. Like being a man, you know what I mean? With that re kicking and dragging you across the floor before you eat your pussy is okay once if we're fucked up on drugs.

If you consent to it, it's okay. I remember one time she went to Vegas or something and she came back on a Monday and she goes, I didn't cheat on you. I went to Vegas and I went with my girls. At that point, I didn't give a fuck. I'll never forget. I just pulled her by her hair and threw her into these tables.

Like there were these bar stools. And I just took it. That's what she wanted. You just made me reevaluate my whole dating life because you said it's okay once if we're fucked up on drugs. And I'm like, what? That's what I expect in all my relationship.

Like I expect that all the time. When a guy doesn't fuck me like that, I think- Can I come over your house on a Wednesday and hit you with a shot to the mouth and tell me to suck my dick you filthy ass? I don't mean like show up in the middle of the day out of the blue and do it.

Although for dating, that's cool. No, if it's a Friday night, we get a couple of fucking sleeping pills. Yeah. We get some low, we get some heroin and shit. You're right. Then we tie you up a little bit and we fuck you good.

You know the deal. I don't mean in the middle of the day like you pop by for lunch and just start slapping me. Dip your fucking nutsack in your mouth. Who's we by the way? Why is there two people? No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying me and the camera

or Lee and the camera. The camera? Yeah. You dip your nutsack in your mouth and make it dry. Do you ever tape your sex capades? Never. Never? That's disgusting.

Do you ever dare yourself to watch? No. Huh. I wouldn't have the heart to do something like that. To yourself? To nobody. What myself? Well, I mean you can do with your wife.

To nobody. No, no. Do guys still jerk off to their wives ever? I'm asking Lee, like he knows. I always wondered that. Like once you're with the girl if you ever think about her. Cause when I,

I always turn the conversation to sex on this show. I need to change that. No, no. This is what you are. You like doing this shit. You love the lifestyle. I only wish that, you know, you got a steady boyfriend.

He cleans up your little pussy act and trick or recover. Joey. And get used to one dick for four or five years and you marry him. I love one dick. And then pray to God that a sex tape don't come out of you or this guy. There's no sex tape.

You never know what these creepy people. But there's. The bueno guy must have cameras in his house. You know what I'm saying? You gotta assume as soon as he goes and he sneezes and that's the code for the cameras to turn on. And there you are. I love you.

I want this to be a relationship. No, no. And all of a sudden you get a hit show on ABC and all of a sudden this pops up. You know what I'm saying? So be careful. You know, I love you to death. And that shit does happen in this town.

I don't trust nothing in this town. You have a point. I don't trust the fucking thing in this town. There's these things that people do in this town. They go to these fucking massage places. If you go to these massage places, they all got fucking cameras. You think?

I know for a fact. In the room? I asked a friend of mine that goes to them often if there's a mirror in this room. And he goes, there's a mirror in all the rooms. Oh, of course. Oh, you don't fuck what you say, Lee. You know what?

I may be fucking a fucking asshole. But maybe I'm not a fucking asshole. So you think they're recording everyone just in case they catch somebody famous or something? Somebody famous. Somebody rubs up a girl. Maybe the tape's not playing. Maybe it's not the best quality

but maybe the race is 24 hours. It's not a bad idea for a business to open a massage parlor and put a camera in there. But the thing is, it's illegal to tape someone without their consent. And when I actually, so- What are they doing in fucking Vegas? You can't in Vegas.

But in Vegas, there's even some rule. You have to have one party's consent if you're filming two or something. Listen, in Vegas, make sure. Just, I've told Lee this a thousand times. In Vegas, you gotta assume they're taping you while you're in the shower. No way.

I don't have to assume they're taping you in the bedroom. You have to assume. You have to assume. Then I would never shower the whole time. You have to assume these things can't happen. No, you don't. Yes, you don't. That they're taping you in the shower.

You have to look at every situation anymore. It's 2017. Then I could never shower. I didn't say that. No, but then they would have naked taping you. I didn't say that. I said always assume that they could be watching young ones Vegas.

They're not fucking, they don't have 18 million in the basement and not be watching what's in their fucking building at all times. I remember getting coked up in those rooms and thinking to myself like, are they watching me? Is there any time somebody gonna knock on the door? And nobody ever did.

I was wrong. But just in case now with what's going on in this country and shit, I would assume they're taping you everywhere. I guess you hook, I guess they- Listen, I don't see no poles out here with cameras. So unless Lee planted a mouse in here for the Israeli army or something.

We should be good. But you always have to assume in today's world. It's creepy. That somebody's listening when you're on the phone. Well, who did I read? Bill Gates always keeps a piece of tape over his webcam on his laptop because he thinks people are watching.

Always, you have to assume that you are wacking off, giggling like an asshole. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And somebody in Russia's phone darts and you had to go and look at this fucking babushka. Yeah, all right. I'm gonna think about that next time I'm sure. I did live with a guy when I first moved to LA.

That was positive, was had cameras everywhere in that. Everywhere. It's something that's big now. It's big, it's easy to do. It's fucking super simple. It's so easy to hide them. It's super fucking simple. True.

You get these guys in a douche bag, they tweet you. Would it really call that game where you go on there? Catfish yard. No, you scroll. When the fuck that, what's that at, Lee? That you scroll. If you want pussy, you go, yes. Tender? Tender, yeah.

Tender. You know, you meet somebody else. What's that game where if you actually want pussy and if you hit Y, everyone's gonna meet somebody and I meet me at the railroad station. Tinder is a dating app. Whatever the fuck it is, you know what I'm saying? You trust everybody on there?

Fuck no, I would never invite someone over. Do you know what I do on there? Did I ever tell you what I do on Tinder? What are you doing? I go on Tinder and I'm bored. I just do this when I'm bored. Surprised me, you know what I'm saying? I go on Tinder and I message guys

and I pretend I just want like an easy hookup. But then I act as crazy as I can on purpose and I try to get the guys to block me. Like I try to see how much crazy guys will put up with if they're super horny and they want to fuck. And I write them all kinds of like, dumb shit. Like I wrote to a guy and I was like, this is a true story, I wrote to a guy and I said

that I really wanted to have sex. I was mad at my boyfriend because he cheated on me and I really wanted to have sex in his car. And this guy is a cop and he wrote back, oh, you know what? I'm a cop and I actually know how to break into cars. And I was like, okay, well, he works at a high school. So I want to do it during the day.

And I want to get in the car, have sex, and then I want to take Polaroids and leave the photos in the car. And the guy was like, great, what high school? What time should I meet? This guy did not care. He was willing to lose his job to fuck. And then I was like, and also I want you to poop in the car.

I want you to take a crap on the passenger seat and leave it there for him. And he was like, okay, that might be a problem. Sometimes I have trouble pooping in public. And I was like, I'll bring your diuretics. I just kept adding more and more shit onto the equation. And you just kept saying, and I have this guy's photo off of this app, off of Tinder,

and he has his police outfit on. So I guess police badge, everything is there. That's how bad guys on Tinder just want to fuck. They will say, I literally have told guys I'm an axe murderer. I told a guy that I needed to have sex that I just got out of prison and they're like, cool, what time? Where do you live?

I told a guy that I only fuck with rattlesnakes in my bed. Now, where you are on Tinder, as soon as you open the app, these are people that are local to you. Yes. Within how many minutes? You can set the mileage for whatever you want. What did you say to that?

Like 20 miles. That's 25 minutes with or without traffic. Right. You ain't fucking around, are you? I don't really fuck them. I've never met a guy of Tinder. I just do it to fuck with them for fun. One of these days,

one of these guys on the Chokey the day, he's gonna see the other YouTube videos, he's gonna see them in the last hole. Well, now I get it. He's gonna see that face and that smile. Now it kinda happens. You gotta get it together, you know what I'm saying? They're gonna fuck you to the death.

You're playing with the devil on that side. They'll come, they don't fuck around. When they realize it's a joke, then I give them tickets to a show. What joke? They ain't no fucking joke. When they go crazy, you was that movie, what's the strip club of black people

that came out with Ice Cube and? Strip club. Remember, oh my God, it came out like in 99. The club, player's club. I've never seen it. You've never seen the player's club. I'm gonna write it down. This is what I'm talking about, Lisa, at least I had.

Have you seen it? You've never seen the, no, why would he? I'm writing this down. He wants his parks and racquets. So you did it come out? What year did it come out? 99, 2000. I'm sorry, I wasn't watching the player's club.

It was like a Chris Tucker type movie about strippers and the girl they moved in with. Who else? Academy Award winner, what's the comedian? The black kid that did the movie with Tom Cruise and the cab driver. Jamie Foxx is in it. It's a good lineup, Jamie Foxx, Ice Cube.

You gotta watch it. Yeah, you know what I'm gonna give you a bump. Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac was right there. Taran Tower, Muggle Clark Duncan. Wow. Faze on Love, Lisa Ray McCoy. The player's club.

The player's motherfucking club, you know what I'm saying? John Amos. Oh, I'm not. Charlie Murphy, gotta rest his, put the guy from the household in the floor to the little black dude. It's fucking off the chain, Jack. I'm not gonna end up in the players club.

Be fine. All right, I need you, I need you. I'm gonna be fine. You're my girl. I love you. I need you to be healthy. Lee, what's going on with you today? How you feeling?

You relating to the fucking stars or what? I'm feeling, I'm feeling fucked up, but I'm okay. I'm feeling fucked up, but I'm okay, good. That's my dog over there. He's getting ready. He's coming up to Levely Live. When does the old man come in? Don't, when does he come in?

Wednesday? Uh-huh. Beautiful. Perfect. We picked the old man up. We got a bag of fucking stars from- You're there Wednesday to Sunday? No, I'm doing Tuesday.

Wednesday, we gotta prep the old man and get him ready for Thursday. Oh, wow. I just came through them to the wolves on Thursday. Only an animal would do something like that to his father. And don't take him to lizard meat places. Take him to the cactus. Got him out to some good tacos.

Stop fucking around with him. I'm bringing my lizard meat place. Somebody got him sick last time. This fucking guy. You got him sick. I didn't get him sick. I only gave him stars of death and love. That's all I ever get out of that.

That's all he wants. It is all you give out. That's all he wants. He wants love. He wants love and stars of death to father. He don't care about anything else. You excited? How long is he staying for?

He's leaving Monday morning. You driving him for your Uber? I'll probably have to Uber Monday morning. Why? What are you doing with your life? Because I have work I do. What kind of work do you do on Monday morning? I have work I do.

I usually put up a podcast. Day. Day, right. This one or another one? A different one. Oh. Lees a man of many podcasts. Damn.

Look at you. Lees a man of many podcasts. I should have Lee help me. I want to do another podcast about pooping. Did I tell you about it? Sounds like a hit. I swear to God, Nicole Amy Schreiber and I, we want to do a podcast called the poop cat.

Look at Lee cracking funnies and shit. I know. Look at that shit. We're going to do a show. It's going to be called the poop cast. And it's just going to be. Lee has an idea of what's going to work and what's not going to work.

Lee is going to be the first, dude. I dare you to call me. You'll never got to call back. Don't you think that it'd be so funny to have a different guest every week tell a story about pooping their pants and that's the whole show? Just 10 minutes?

Not really. Who's going to be your sponsor toilet paper? Yeah. I mean, who the fuck is it? Squatty potty. No, I have respectable people. You know what I'm saying? Who wouldn't tell that story?

You probably have a great shit in your pants story. I'll bet you shit your pants at least twice. About 10 times. See? Yeah, but I don't want to tell the stories to people. You don't? Nobody wants to hear that shit that's civilized.

It's funny. No. Who could sit there and talk about this shit that you put this shit in? We just talked about girls getting peed on. Well, that's completely different. That's sexual. I was going to say that's a good thing.

Me taking a shit in somebody's backyard and falling in love with a kid's swing is not a... That's the story I want to hear why. Me taking a shit in the shower is not a good thing. Ew. Yeah, we want to have it. That's not shitting your pants in the shower. That's the same thing.

Why'd you shit in the shower? Because it's the quickest hole. It's the same pipe. No one shits in the shower. If you're lazy, you just open up that. You do too? I haven't in a while. I was shitting it, especially around the hotel.

And they got like a big hole. But what if it's not? Well, sometimes I'll take the thing off. And I'll pop it and let that shit go right down that tube. What? I'll push it in there with my finger. No, you don't. Yes, I do.

Oh my God. Is that what you want to hear? No. So you hear white people's stories. That's different. I was running down the street in my sweatpants and I went to Starbucks and... No, you want to hear my shit?

I got shit stories. Putting it down in your fucking toilet with your toe. Yeah, your toe. That's what I want to be. I remember shitting the tub and picking it up and throwing it in the toilet six feet away. You might be changing my mind.

All right then. Then what's wrong with you? I'm a professional. Is that what you want to fucking hear? No, I mean, I guess it's kind of funny though. But that was funny. I wanted to start a podcast for people who are very sincere

about their first heartbreak. If they start fucking around, you got to tell them I'm throwing you off the show. I want people to come in and talk about their first heartbreak and how that heartbreak has affected you even now today. That's interesting. It really is interesting.

Last week, a couple of weeks ago, there was a woman on the podcast and I talked about a story that I wanted to apologize to a girl. I took a virginity and then told I couldn't date her anymore because she told me a story that her fucking mother was dead.

I left there at that age. I never heard that. At the age of 15, nobody ever told me that. I never met nobody who didn't have a mother. So you told me you didn't have a mother the first time. I didn't want to fucking know more. Really?

I was done. I was in a basketball camp. I started dating a different girl. Wow. Three months later, when I found my mother dead, I thought about that girl. Aw.

So till this day, you know what I'm saying? I have a really weird connection with the girl. That's interesting. Yeah, it's always bothered me. Things like that. Thing is, how do you know your first heartbreak? I mean, because...

Everybody knows their first heartbreak, unless they're fucking retarded. No, but I mean like, because there were guys that I thought broke my heart, but then there's one that definitely super broke it. There's a thing, there's times you date people, and at the time you break up, you think he broke your heart.

Right. It's maybe two or three down the line that really break your heart. Yeah. From heartbreak, you learn about heartbreak, but you also learn how to get yourself out of heartbreak. This is so true. And those are the fun stories, you know?

So true. Like texting him from 45 phone numbers. I mean, I didn't get... I told you that for an 85, I said, I'm done with all this. First of all, I had gone through 29 fucking pounds of coke in four months, and I had gone through 30 women. And every story I remember,

Kate Quigley is one filthier than the other. But I enjoy Kate Quigley when it was going on yet. But till today, there's times I'm sitting there going, I wonder what the fuck happened that girl, and what she thinks happened today. Yeah. Like we're both 50, we're both 21 at the time. Yeah.

But it was just filth. It was just plain filth. Like I was just, you know, I always believed in, like, let's say, we swapped bed, I sucked your titties, I fingered you, I fucked you, I ate your pussy, and that was it. I came in your stomach.

This was like, you know, this is the first time you met this person. They're in your hotel room, they're naked an hour later, you're doing blow, your finger in them, and next thing you know, it gets hot and nasty for four hours. Shit that, like Dice says,

you wouldn't do to a farm animal. And all of a sudden you pass out from the Quailudes and you wake up next to that person, and you're like, there's a piece of ass, but I can't have her around. If she sucked my balls for two hours straight, I can't have, you know, like it's one of those disgusting things.

That shit never happens to me on the road. I guess it's different for God. This was not on the road. Oh, it's not on the road? This was when you were young. This was in 1984 when I was kinda homeless, and I was just going out to bars, I would show up at a bar.

Kinda homeless? Kinda homeless. And you think you're not good in bed, you're fuckin' homeless, getting girls to fuck you? No, no, no, it wasn't. Do you know how hard it is to get laid homeless? Listen, you go to a bar,

listen, it wasn't hard in those days to go to a bar, I would get an eight ball and I would save a gram for after three a.m. And I would sell a gram to make money for the bar, and you'd walk in there at one o'clock, and you just broke up with your boyfriend, but I know you like to do coke.

And we start talking, and all of a sudden at three, you're like, what are you gonna do? I would play innocent. That's true. What are you gonna do? I don't know. Where do you live?

Do you live close by? No, no. I was only gonna hotel room tonight. Why? What happened to where you live? They're painting. I would make up a story. They're painting,

so they gave me money to get a hotel room. I was gonna tick them up. No way. When you come to my place, you know, I have vodka over there, and gin, oh my God, you're going down, you know? It was just a night of filled,

very, very seldom that I leave those nights without something. Wow. Like you're always left with a blow job, or they fingered themselves in front of you. There was always some point of disgust. Yeah, there was always, in that timeframe,

there was always one point of disgust. I went on like a four weekend tear in a row with four attractive women that would never look at me in any other situation of their life. And I made them do things that were totally, utterly fucking disgusting. So this day, I say a prayer for all of them every day.

You like candles from them at Jersey? Yeah, it was terrible. And then after I got cleaned up, I met a girl in Cresco, New Jersey, who was a sweet, fly-wobber girl. And she didn't do drugs, and we would just cook up and drink a beer, and then I started messing,

no sex, no sex, figuring, I didn't get laid for a long time. Really? For like eight months. Oh yeah, we talked about that. And then I got on a plane, and that was it. I don't know how girls can just like,

make out and hook up a little bit and not have sex. Like once I get turned on, it's really hard for me to stay down. Oh my God, I... I don't have much of a second, third base area. I'm the first base to home run chick. She was a dirty white chick. That was the story of this People's Express.

And we were talking on the plane, we kept talking, and I knew this chick was dirty, and I threw a bait at her. I said, I mean, that's just something. What if we went to, when we get in Denver, we get a piece? And she goes, what are you talking about?

And they go, maybe we got an ape for him. And she goes, what are you talking about? And I go, if I get an ape for him, let's go back to the hotel and we eat your pussy. And she looked at me and she was lying. Okay. And she goes, meet me by luggage. And we went by luggage.

We walked out there like we knew each other and we took a cab to like a hotel. There was no cocaine. She kept asking me with the whole cocaine. You never got it? Fuck no. I took a sip of the bar. I didn't even drink.

That's how strong my game was. I didn't even drink. Shut up. I was eight months without a piece of pussy. I had been striking out three fucking times on Fridays and Saturday. I thought I was going mental. I thought there was something wrong with me.

I was lifting weights. I remember you saying that's crazy. I had a gold chain. I had bracelets. A gold chain. That's what happened. Yeah. That's why you were getting nice.

I wasn't getting dick. And all of a sudden I got this fucking stewardess from Ohio or somewhere back in the room with a hairy pussy. Just giving me everything she's got. I thought, I go, who the fuck? And she ripped it off. No, that's what I was hoping.

Who the fuck would have thought that after all that time, I would meet a girl on a fucking plane and have sex. And then I got, she left and I left. I took a bus to Boulder. And as I'm walking the street in Boulder, I met another girl.

And that night we didn't have sex. But two days later, we had sex. It's like you opened the floodgates. It's like I could not get arrested for eight months. And all of a sudden I had two women I was talking to on the phone and shit. That's kind of how it goes, I think. That's how it is for me.

Like I really, the last like three months have not dated or talked to anyone. And then all of a sudden there's like a bunch. I could see you come. I could see you're gonna meet a nice guy. But you're gonna be a pain in the ass. You wanna fuck the male stripper. No, I don't.

No, I don't. I really don't. I'm done with that. I'm done with that. It's so weird. I was listening to Rat the other day. Yeah, I was listening to Ozzy's Boneyard with Jim Norton and he was playing one of those rat songs.

I kept remembering how he referenced the sex. How important it was. And for a while, I always knew I was shitty at sex. So I wouldn't hit on women for that. I would always go, I'm not gonna hit on them just cause I don't wanna go through that fucking nightmare again. I would feel uncomfortable and fucking,

I didn't have much to offer unless I get really dirty with you and some women didn't like when you got really dirty with them. It was fucking crazy. It was tough to, it's not good, Kate Coigling. It's not good. I can't believe that.

Yeah, it's crazy. It's fucking, I'm in my head about it. Like, I go there to get hypnotized. When was that? Because of my heart beats a lot. What happened? When was that? That you felt that way?

I think it started in 1985. Oh, wow. It was about 22 when that first, when that really went. Before that, I was having sex, but kid sex. Yeah. Six minutes, seven minutes. That type of shit.

That's kid sex? Yeah, eight minutes. I was eating a little bit of pussy. Yeah. If you sucked it, you sucked it. If you didn't, I was fine with it in those days. I didn't want you to go against your basic rules. Oh my God.

I was one of those. Yeah. But it's like anything else. Once you come in a woman's mouth, that's all you wanna do. I'm coming to everybody's fucking mouth. I don't like it yet. Well, guess what?

Papa's in town. This is different. Would you even date a girl, honestly? Like, now you're married, but like, I met a girl when I was just in Texas, who was like, you know what? I don't blow guys. She said, I just don't.

It doesn't matter who he is. It doesn't matter how much I like him. I don't do that. And when they asked me, I just say, I don't do that. And I go, who dates you? Like, I can't imagine any guy being cool with that. No, eventually they're gonna suck dick.

Right? Eventually, yeah. Every man likes that dick sucked on payday. You know, something. Payday. On payday. Every Friday, 5.30. And they bring home the rooster.

It's, and you know what's sad? That a lot of guys in the beginning of a relationship, will say, that's fine. I don't do anything. If I love you, I love you. But guess what? Those guys gonna bother you when you're going through pregnancy.

They're gonna ask you for a blow job. And now you gotta call that bluff. Well, you told me you were fine with it. Well, that was before you got knocked out. No, well, go help yourself with your hand. No, no, no, no, no. Tell them from the beginning, I like my dick sucked eight different ways.

The least way I like it is with an ice cube in your mouth. Everything else, I don't give a fuck. Put an ice cube in your mouth. Suck my nut sack and put whipped cream on my dick and take it for dessert. That's the kind of dick suckin' I'm lookin' for. I'm an American. And again, I just blow a fuckin' hole in your throat.

With two or three ounces of fuckin' sperm juice. I don't cripple your fuckin' jugular for three hours. Jesus Christ. You don't know what you have in your mouth, whether it's a martini. You don't know what's in your throat. Oh my God. Oh, ice in your mouth?

That sounds awful. You never sucked a dick with ice in your mouth? No. Oh my gosh. Ice? A little piece of ice cube? Uh-uh. And you suck the guy's balls?

No. Come on, Kate. Don't tell me next time you bring those guys over. Absolutely. Oh. Pop that little ice cube. I used to pop the ice in your pussy, take it out and pop it in my mouth.

Yeah, I've had guys do it to me. I've never done it to a guy. Did you go crazy when they took the ice cube out of your snacks and threw it in their mouth? Like a fuckin' Loslanger? I like some ice. Yeah, I like shit. I did it to this little white Christian girl from Kansas.

I was fingering her in the ice machine room. She was like a little waitress. I just started kind of. It's an ice machine room. I'm all coked up. I'm all coked up and valiumed up. Just pulled girls on the up and up. She had like a Bahama mama in them.

We started, I love this girl. We started to swap and it's like maybe our second date. She's hammered, I'm hammered on the pills and the blonde finger and it was right next to the ice machine. I pulled away from the ice machine. I took her hand the ice cubes and I stuck them up her pussy. She just looked at me like she was a Christian.

She played the organ at the church. I whipped that ice out and I put it in my mouth and I made a swaps bit with me. I could feel her knees shivering, you understand me? She didn't know what it is. Damn. This ain't college. Damn.

And her dad owned the hotel. So he gave her the hotel. She had any room she wanted to in there but she had a roommate, a Chinese girl, a Korean girl. And? Oh. Uh-oh. Oh.

So I fell in love with this girl. We were going there while she was roommates and gave me little hand jobs and little side bluffs. You were looking up at both? She was just a college girl. No. Me and this girl fell in love. I really loved it.

But the Korean girl was bangin'. And I knew, I knew she was the devil incarnate. In my heart, I never thought about it. I can be honest with you. I had just gotten divorced. You're such a good guy. No, because do you know what, man?

I could lie to you and tell you, yeah, I looked at her a couple of times and said I'd love to fuck this shit out of her, but at the same time, I had just gotten divorced. I was trying to be, you know, so now, but hold on, this story changes. Of course. Later, we're at a party at a wedding

and this girl pulls me aside and says, listen, I wanted to tell you something. In about three months, I'm moving to New York. I got a job working for an ad agency. You know, that's what I went to school for. I'm making a great salary. They got to pay for an apartment for the first year. I said, there's finally a, what do you want to do?

And she goes, we'll talk about it right before I leave. And it was fine, but something had happened. The little Asian girl got a job at the dealership. I worked at the Toyota dealership. So we became little friends. Sure. You know, and I would see her whenever she drank at lunch. She was a little crazy.

She would say goofy things to me. If you show me yours, I'll show you mine. And I'd be serious and she goes, no, I'm just testing you. You crazy motherfucker. I wish she was a little friend. I liked her. So this girl left. And I told her, I'll be in New York in about six weeks

to see you, I'll go out there and do comedy. I thought I was going to get paid. This is 19. Oh my God, guys. This is 1993. Yeah. I was just getting 10 minutes if I was lucky. Yeah.

And I, you know, stayed home. So guess what else happened? This girl. You guys hooked up. Her boyfriend, up two years. Also, wanted to move to Seattle to find himself. And I'm looking at this girl. She's telling me the story at the dealership.

And I'm looking at this girl. She's 24. Smoking hot. You know when you were 24. Super hot. You're ready. She's ready to go. She just needed a band leader.

That's all she needed was a band leader to get into that destination. Right, right. In comes Uncle Joey, some lead the band. And in my heart, I could say it like a man. I didn't, it wasn't my intention. In my heart, I tried to not keep the relationship open with this girl, but I knew this wouldn't be good.

And I didn't, to be honest with you, I didn't think this was going to happen. She was that high level, good-looking girl. Dang it. You thought she was out of your league? I mean, perfect titties, perfect hips. Yeah. It's cute, witty, Americanized.

Yeah. Born in Korea, but raised here. Perfect. Tall. She liked to come on her face because the warmth from the come would make her come. This is tremendous. When I heard this shit.

She said that. So listen to me. So this goes on for about a month, a month and a half me and her goombas. She's hanging out at the comedy shows. I'm giving her a ride home. One night I take her home. She goes, I really don't want to go home.

I'm sick of going up there alone. Can I sleep over there by you? I had like a fucking eight ball of coke on me. I go, come on. We went back to my house. The next thing you know, she's taking a panties. Well, we had to do it. And we stayed in that room for four days.

I had never been with an Asian woman before. She was beautiful. That's sake, sake juice that came out of her monkey had me all fucked up, Jack. She was very sexual, very beautiful. And we just pretty much had a relationship. I mean, this girl was calling me and she'd be laying next to me like, what are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no, no, the chicken New York, what are? Oh. Would be calling me and I'd be with the fucking chick mugging up. Oh, shit. I forgot all about the other girl. But then the Korean chick pulled a double cross on me. She had a job and she told me she was going to dinner

with some dudes and some girls and shit. And I had a weird fucking feeling. So that night about midnight, I went over and there was one dude up there and he was naked. So I stopped talking to this freak. So you were mad that she was hooking up with him, even though you had a girlfriend. You know how we do it.

You know how we do it. It's such a double standard. It really fucking is. It really is. I was 30 some years old. Guys get so territorial. This was when I first got divorced and I had just gone into this game.

I didn't know this dating game. I'd been out of the game for seven fucking years. I get it. I can relate. And she's back and I didn't talk to her for a while, but the pussy was so good. Sure. The bikiness was so hot, but she was crazy.

She's one of those girls that we got a period and have to go to the hospital. Why? What? Because she would start yelling and have nervous breakdown. It made her that crazy? Holy shit. Yeah, nervous breakdown.

So every other one, she would have to call the hospital like the day before and go, get ready. No way. Yeah. Fuck your mother. I've never heard of that. She would tell me ex-assist, yeah. I think they can put you on something for that.

Something. Yeah, it was crazy. At that time, she didn't know. Wow. And she moved to Korea. No wonder she was getting bad. She moved to Korea. Broke my heart.

Now I had not one of them. One was in New York and the other one was in fucking Korea. I'm in Colorado doing comedy by myself. Look at that poor bastard. Honestly, please. Yeah, he's snoring over there. I can hear him from the night. What's the knowing?

Like I hit you through the mic. You see that? And it was heartbreak. I was heartbroken. But here's the snoozer. I'm back in New York. I'm selling cars. I'm doing two spots a night.

And you know what? On the weekends, that little white girl, Julie, has let me come over and eat a pussy and fool around with it. And we go to the village and get a slice of pizza, but she wanted nothing to do with me. Wow. She wanted an open relationship. Damn.

But every week, I would connive her into getting a hotel and let me give you a stab. We were doing okay. She invited me over on a Wednesday. I went over there with my buddy. She brought her girlfriend. They hit it off. I hit it off with her that night.

Everything was going great. I went back over to that Friday, spent the night, went around Saturday. Left Sunday. That was the first time I spent two days with her. Oh, wow. I'm doing comedy. She came to my show.

I ate dicks. But who cares? You're very good dating. I really wanted this to work with this girl. Yeah. Do you know, I leave a Sunday, I give her a kiss. I was driving a limo. I get in the fucking limo, drive home Monday.

I was delivering food from 10 to two. And then I would go home, take a shower and deliver and drive the limo. Wow. I go to NBC studios and I pick up the daily shots. And as I'm driving, my pager goes, oh, this is girl in New York. And I call her up and I go, what's going on?

She goes, so I just got a call from Kansas. The girl, she came back and she went crazy one night. Oh shit. And she ratted you out. The Asian girl. The Asian girl called me at three in the morning, the guilt had gotten so bad to her that she, she fucking flipped out.

They put her in like, oh my God. What? Holy shit. This is after the three weekends of love with me and this girl. Oh my God. Oh no. This Korean girl dropped a bomb on me.

That worked. Holy shit, who does that? That one was in the gut. She called the girl and came clean with how long our affair was. Why would you do that? She was really crazy. She had to be.

The guilt. Me and the girl, but here's where it gets better. That's 1993, 92. I met another girl on 95. We hook up in Michigan. She comes to Boulder. She wants to lick my asshole. That's the one that said turn over.

I want to give you a rusty trombone. It all comes back around. You fucking crazy. She moves to Seattle. The pussy's so good three weeks later. Uncle Joey has to move to Seattle. Shut up. I've had pussy before in my life,

but I've never had stripper dirty Michigan pussy that makes me do dirty things. And I know she can't. Pussy's so good you moved to Seattle. I knew she had a disease. Like I knew this girl had a disease. Oh my God. Like today, whenever I itch, I think about it.

Like I know she gave me something. You know what I'm saying? Wow. So I moved to Seattle. We lived in, I forget, by the beach. I go, whatever that beach is. And we lived in the U district. And one day I'm pulling in my car.

I'm gonna go to a movie theater. I pull in with my car into the gas station as I'm filling it up with gas. I turn around and it's Paul, our ex-boyfriend. The Korean girls. The guy that left her that moved to Seattle. No way. Here I am pulling gas.

Oh my God. And this guy was a doorman. Like he was a big dude. Holy shit. And he came up to me and he had tears in his eyes. And he was like, I can't believe you did that. The guilt made her end up in a fucking mental home. She barely got out of there like a month ago.

What? Yeah, this chick was out of it. I can't believe they were still talking. Her and him. So were they still like together when he was in Seattle? They were still talking kind of sorta. Wow. They were trying to work things out.

You drove her to a vent. The dick was so good. I didn't drive her to the. You put her in the hospital. The fucking guilt drove her crazy, which I understood. It was a lot of guilt. They moved there together. They were fraternity sisters together.

Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. I think back now. But the funny thing is that was 1993. We never talked again. The longest yard came out. And there was this website that they had put up. It was owned by Gabriel, this kind of El Paso, Latino,

comedy.com. And one day he only goes, he goes, do you know your message boards there? I knew nothing what a message board was. Look at this poor bastard, Lisa. I knew nothing what a message board was or how to. And I went to the message board. He showed me how to go back there.

And there was a message from the Korean girl. And she said, congratulations. I always knew. She goes, you were really serious about it. You knew what you wanted to do. And she goes, guess where I live? She lived in my hometown with a Cuban dude. I thought you were going to say like an insane aside.

She lived in North Bergen with a Cuban dude. She was very proud of me and she had two kids. And it was really happy that she forgave me. She didn't want to talk to me, which is cool. As long as she forgave me. You know what? Her and I went to see sign felt together. Like as friends.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like we were really friends. She didn't really have a reason to be mad at you. She knew you had the girlfriend. Oh, she knew everything. I remember me and her taking my daughter to the zoo. My daughter falling asleep and me and her pulling over and fucking her from behind at a phone booth

in the dead of the winter. Like that's how hot she was. With your daughter in the sleep in the car. Oh my God. This chick took me to a new dimension of shock. Like I just come all over myself. Like she'd be in the car and I would just have come in my jeans.

Damn. She would always want me to rip her clothes off. We would do the first time. Me and her were really tight. Really fucking tight, man. And she was coming to my comedy shows with my friends and she would have a few drinks. Wow.

And like a day before that comedy show, she started talking crazy shit. Like yeah, well these nights I'm gonna sleep over when we go watch movies. And I'm like, I don't know how this is gonna work out, man. This is how it started. And when I talking and that Tuesday night was steak night to broke her in for 15 bucks.

Plus you got a comedy ticket, a baked potato, a salad and a water or something. Nice. And we were there and she got a few drinks on her. And her and I had been talking about her sleeping over or something. She came up to me at this bar and she was walking me after the car at an Acura Integra at the time.

A brand new 93 that I could not afford. I bought it just because I was getting divorced and I wanted to pick up young girls. An Acura. I put her in the front seat and I never forget she had like a business skirt on with simple heels on and stockings. She just opened up her legs and she told me

rip my stockings off. Damn. I ripped the stockings off, I ripped the skirt off. Her blouse was beautiful, it was white with those buttons. I just ripped that open. I ripped her brow, plain her pussy. I basically left her nude in the car so I finished doing comedy

and then we went back to my house. Jesus. I finished her off and I had to give her like my clothes to go home. Her brother was staying with her. She came in with that jacket ripped to shreds like but that's what turned her on. Sure, of course.

How would that not turn to her? She was amazing. Like you would actually see a thing drop out of her monkey like a little, and that would turn you on. You're like, oh my God, this is just amazing. Yeah. It was crazy cake. Damn.

Was I in love? No, I wasn't. No, I was in lust love. I had never had a woman who did that. Yes. I've been there. It's a big difference. Like once it, in fact, once it went away.

It's hard not to confuse it when it's that intense. You're like. You don't know. You don't know at the time. Your brain is like feeling this intense feeling and it's like, oh, but that kind of sex is, I've only had that with two people and it was like, both those guys so hard to quit.

Harder than anything I've ever quit. To be honest with you, the people I fell in love with were the ones that weren't that good at sex. Yeah, that's what people say. Cause I always felt inferior. So a woman that comes in on the third day, she's like, hold on, hold on. I want to jump off your bureau

and land on your dick head first. This girl's been around the block a little bit. You know what I'm saying? Jump off your bureau. Yeah. You gotta disinfect the fork. Your mom can't eat off that fork. Spider-man or pussy.

Yeah, you never know. So we all want a whore, but we don't want a whore. I know. We all want a whore and we don't want, you know. You ever suck dick before, okay? One time in the eighth grade, I sucked. That's it. That's what we want to hear.

I didn't like it. I puked and really all this time now, guys always understood. No, they didn't. You've been sucking dick. Right. That's what they want to think. Jesus came out.

That's what they want to think. Yeah, we don't want to know nothing. We don't want to know about your old boyfriend. Yeah. We don't know that he had a big nut sack and he would come and he would come on my face and it was just amazing. What's hell's guys that?

There's a lot of fucking creepy women, man. And guys will sit through that shit. Like I won't, I've had friends in Colorado. I had this chubby couple. She was beautiful, but they would talk shit in front of me. That would drive me crazy. And I would tell them one day, wouldn't I just listen, you come over and I can't listen

to that shit. No. What are you talking about? We trust each other. We don't care that shit. Who does though? Girls don't want to hear it either. I don't want to hear about, I mean,

we all know everyone has a past. Nobody wants to hear about it. I don't want to hear about all the girls you fuck before me. And she would giggle and he would giggle like an asshole. And I remember one Superbowl, her telling a story about anal, how she didn't like the guy, but she wanted it to be cool or some shit.

So he would only fuck rain only in. So this went on for like a year. Even her boyfriend, her brothers didn't know nothing. And he's giggling. I still do this one time at the time in the anal and she would hit him. I'm like, these disgusting fucking people. These disgusting fucking people.

Oh my God. I'm lucky you cleaned up your act. You know, the hit was still out there. You don't want to show up with scars and coughing. I'm super clean. I haven't had sex this year, only once this whole year. Whatever. I'm on a quans.

Really? Yeah, for real. Can I worry about you? I can't have you. I really haven't. You can take that little sativa. You don't take the lighter. I'm going to take the sativa with you.

Thank you. You can take it. Where are your dates coming up? You got any road dates? Oh, actually, I'm here for the next like six weeks. I'm at the comedy store this week if you happen to be in town Thursday and Saturday. But I'm going to Alaska in July.

I'm taking a red band. We're going to go do shows up there. And then... What's the name of the club? Chocochallies? I think that's it. That's it. Yeah, yeah.

I went there last year. It was so fun. What do you think? I had the best time. When they put you up in the condo. It was a hotel. Oh, they didn't have a hotel in the hotel. Kind of like a cool downtown hotel.

Yeah, they used to put you up in the condo. Oh, my God. No condo. No condo. No, no, no. It was fun. Actually, I met the Harlem Globetrotters because they were in town.

They loved you. It was so fun. I got to shoot hoops as part of their thing. Yeah, they wanted to shoot hoops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they were the fucking pasture around that bus. Thank you, Joey. And fucking...

They're a family-friendly organization. Yeah, sure. You're sucking that dick. And eight of them are hitting you in the head with their basketball dicks. But I will say, I just put up a new website with a bunch of cool merch on it. And my podcast is doing really well.

Partly thanks to you. Thanks to you. I love you to death. You just... I always, you know, you inspire me when I see you out there banging it out every night. Thank you. You're not looking for a handout.

You know, you're not blowing guys at the comedy store. So I'm very proud of you. That's why you got my respects. I love you. Thank you. What's going on with you, Lee? What are you feeling, Talana? I hear noises.

I hear different... Go pee, hurry up. What are you feeling, Lee? I'm feeling pretty high. I'm feeling okay. Good. See, I take care of you. You're telling me you're training. You ain't fucking training.

You don't train me until you're with Uncle Joey. But anyway, let me talk to you people real quick. You know, I try them all. But between you and I, Lyft has always been the best service. I gave Lee my Lyft code. He loves it. He had a bad experience with one of the other guys. It doesn't really matter.

You know, it's just a good company to work for. And they do a lot of great things for their drivers that I could see that they really... They can. You know, when you drive for a right... The right ride-sharing app, every trip can feel like a walk in the park with Lyft. You can pick your own hours and work when you want.

Lyft can make driving the best job in the world. Lyft is the right-sharing company that believes in treating its people better. Lyft believes that being a right-sharing driver should be fun. If you're having a good time, so are the passengers. You're smiling. You're giggling.

You got bottles of water for them. You got little mints for them. People like all this stuff. And if you're choosing a right-sharing company to drive for, go for the company that treats you better. And that's Lyft. Only Lyft offers app tipping. When you drive for Lyft, you keep 100% of the tips.

Drivers have been paid over $150 million and tips since the feature was introduced. Express Pay Let's Drivers get paid almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks. Lyft has been taken... Lyft has taken the guesswork out of pickups. The new AMP device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers.

You can earn $100 a week plus tips. So want to make more money? Drive more. It's never been easier to give yourself a raise. It's plain and simple. It's a simple formula. Happy drivers mean happy passengers. Maybe that's why nine out of 10 Lyft drivers

get a perfect five-star rating. So do me a favor. You're sitting there broke. You're in between careers. You don't really know what you want to do. You still got to pay for the bills, guy. You still got to put money away for the future. And you still got to make things happen on your own.

You want to start that band. You want to do this. You want to do that. Number thing you got to do is make paper. Do me a favor. Get a job. Go to lyft.com slash joey today and you can get a $500 driver bonus.

I mean limited time only. Terms apply. But you just sitting there. Go do something with your life. Go justify your existence. Go to lyft.com slash joey. Again, that's lyft.com slash joey. Why sit there like a bump on a log

when you could be making extra money, meeting people, expressing yourself and getting fresh air. You go to the airport, you go here, you go there. Plus you're with the best company out there. Go to lyft.com slash joey. Right now, right? Lyft.com slash joey. Again, lyft.com slash joey.

Number two. In fact, we're going to make sure Cape gets one of these. But days are back. All right. You walk around with that stinky asshole. You scratch your balls at work. You're like, why is this happening to me? Why do my fingernails stink?

Why are they turning yellow? Why are the other ones clear? But these ones are turning yellow. Sounds like a lot of the four questions for passers- Listen, it doesn't really matter what it sounds like. The only thing you should be excited about is that the days are back, OK? You don't got to walk around with rusty ass

for non-confident about how your nut sack stinks or whatever. And you're asking me, what's a bidet, Joey? It's a portable bidet that you put onto your toilet. And after you do your little business, you put the water on, and it sprinkles your asshole clean. Plain and simple. If you get the distance of your nut sack, you could also dip your little clam in there.

You could also dip your helmet in there. Listen, let's just say you can make it work. Things get bad. You can take the water and throw it in your face. And wake up in the morning. Drink out of it. Go to hello-touching.com right now. Slash, hit them, Lee.

Church. Boom! And get 10% off. You get a 60-day money back guarantee. But listen, you're going to fucking love it. Everybody's happy. I'm happiest. I sit in it.

Sometimes I don't even take a shit. I walk by, I look at it, I turn the water on, and I just sit there for eight, nine minutes and let my life flash before me. That could be my last day. Let me get the party started right. Go to hello-touching.com right now. And press the code word.

Church. Boom! 10% off your order. This is money, people. Why have a stinky ass? Oh, ladies, you know your pussy stinks like fucking death. You got a little bar of soap. You let that little water twinkle in your monkey.

Your tip top magoo. You understand me? Mother's Day coming. People look at your mother and you go, what's my mother's ass smell like? Boom, nope. Take the guesswork out. Go to hello-touching.com right now.

Pressing. Church. Boom, 10% off Mother's Day. And I know you looked at your grandfather and said, that asshole looks like death. All he eats is fucking applesauce. He got no teeth. His asshole has the fucking allure of something

that's about to get hit by a train. But it don't matter. His days are settled. Hello-touching.com right now. Slash. Church. Boom! 10% off.

I want to give love to Lyft. I also will Lyft, what is it, Lyft.com? Slash Joey. Slash Joey. Lyft.com slash Joe. I want to give them some love. All sort of my main people on it. Pushing out the supplements, you understand me?

Alpha Brain Money Back Guaranteed. Shroom Tech Sport will change your fucking life. Go to honor.com and press in. Church. Boom! Bam! 10% off, cock suckers. See you guys Wednesday night.

I want to thank my girl, Kate Quigley. Don't forget to follow on Twitter. Facebook from time to time. She's fucking tremendous. Thank you. I love you guys. Love you. Oh my God.

So she's happy. That was, dude, that shit was horrible. I'll put you there. I'm a searchlight, soul and faith. But I can't see it in the night. I'm only freaking. Will I get it right? Will I get it right?

Will I get it right? Will I get it right? Will I get it right? Will I get it right? Will I get it right? Will I get it right? Know that this could be my faith. To what you wanted to see, good is never blind.

To what you wanted to be, good is made in mind. So don't you lock up from them, that you wanted to see fly. Your hands are shaking. No, not dying. No, not dying. I said I'm out of taste. I said I'm out of taste. Yeah, I said I'm out of taste.

I said I'm out of taste. I said I'm out of taste. I said I'm out of taste. How would I know that this could be my faith? How would I know that this could be my faith? How would I know that this could be my faith? How would I know that this could be my faith? Humanity