Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #475 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 25, 2017

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt have a certain je ne sais quoi tonight live in studio. Joey ate something new in Oxnard, Joey talks about one of his comedy mentors, and why he thinks about what he was like at 28.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress. MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 04/24/2017.  

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Watches start at $95, all right? Go to MVMT right now today and get 15% off with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMTwatches.com slash church right now. Here we go, baby. You're sick and tired of sleeping, you don't know, your back hurts, Helix sleep, night after night, the same bed. I'm telling you, it kills your back. Go to helixsleep.com right now, answer some questions and I'll tell you what I'm going

to do. If you go to helixsleep.com slash Joey, I'm going to give you $50 off your order. That's helixsleep.com slash Joey, $50 off your order. Do your thing, Lee. Let's start this, motherfucker. Oh, shit. Get your shit together, wash that monkey. It's Tuesday morning, here we go, motherfuckers.

Oh, shit. We ain't fucking around the church with what's happening now. Oh, shit. Move your fingers. Watch your wallets, they're pickpocketing people, so chillin'. Let's start this, motherfucker. Shout out loud, I want to live. The church to what's happening now, comin' at ya.

You look by my side, the world will be mine. I want to live. April 25th, 2017. With this to life, I'm bound. Oh, shit. Feet upon the ground, just right away. Here we go. With this to life, I did.

It's the way my every friend don't go away. When black people were black people. I just don't know. Oh, shit. Go. What's happenin', you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joe here, with my main man of debt, Lee Syad over there, quaffin' up lungs and shit.

See, you give me the same bong heads that you take. I need to take, like, what? I see all these people online taking bong heads, and they take a little puff of a cloud, and I need to start doin' that. Those are the same people who get allergies, and they fuckin', you know, they put knee pads on when they ride bicycles.

They don't take a chance. You gotta take a chance when you smoke reef for Columbus. I'm takin' a chance. If you came to any of the Oxnard shows, thank you very much. Some of the shows were great. I'm still slippin' on stage. I'm stuttering and shit, but it was still a great weekend.

The fuckin' Food Day at Liberty Live. It's the number one fuckin' kitchen and comedy right now. Really, they're really doin' a good job. Liberty Live, Niaq and Oxnard, they're hittin' it out of the fuck. They even got you eatin' something you've never had before. Yeah, they had me eatin' kale and shit. They tricked me, those motherfuckers. They got these steak bites as an appetizer,

with, like, these little onion rings on a bed of fuck, and I thought it was spinach. I'm like, this spinach is delicious. It's got garlic on it. Jesus Christ, the last night I was there, they told me it was kale. I was like, what are you gonna do? You gotta take what they're giving you sometime. Because that's how my mom used to trick me.

I told her, my mom used to give me a cabs, a cow's tongue. And she looked like a steak with potatoes, and I'd eat it, and she'd go, that was cow's tongue. And I wanna puke to death, but... I haven't tried lingua, I haven't tried cabesa. Oh, you can't know when you're eatin' it. And then my mom used to make cabs, brains. And you slice them thin, paper thin,

you put them in egg batter with flour and a little fucking Italian breadcrumbs, and you fry them up. Let me tell you something. You squeeze some lemon on those motherfuckers. You think you're eatin' the chicken cutlet. Then after you eat 15 of them, they tell you it's cabs brains. You wanna shoot yourself in the fucking head.

What are brains taste like? Delicious when they're fried. Delicious. I only had them once after my mom died. That's how much I loved them, and a friend of mine said they made them the same way. It was garbage. They were gooey in the inside. I don't like that shit. But anyway, Oxnard was great.

I had a great weekend with my family. It's great to have a light schedule, guys. Like I said, when you get older, those airports are fucking tough. Every weekend, plus I'm lurking in the middle of the night, takes me a few days to recover. Thank God I got jujitsu. Thank God I moved. Thank God I tried to breathe,

but I drank water on the flight. I don't drink alcohol, you know, because that'll fuck you up on those flights. I'll drink 19 gallons of water. I'll piss every 15 minutes, just on principle, just to keep my legs moving so my ankles don't swell. How much are we doing? I stay in the window seat and I don't move.

Nah, that's why your ankles get all fucked up and shit. You fuck up your circulation. And then the man playing, the ride in that plane ain't that fucking good for you. So it's good to take a couple weeks off. I take a plane, you know, a few weeks to Salt Lake City, which is a hop, skip, and then jump, and then I take a plane to fucking Milwaukee and Detroit.

And after that, I'm done for like five weeks, man. Jesus. I'm taking breathes, yeah, man. This is your longest break, I think, since I started with you. Yeah, no, but it won't be a break. I'll be the fucking right and the fucking thing. You never take a break. You make everyone a field bug.

Every time you call, it's like I have to, even at night sometimes, I'm like, you call, I have to have some work I was doing or something, like you're always doing something. Well, I break up the day into eight pieces, to what I'm saying. Eight pieces? One and a half here, and now one and a half there,

and now one and a half here, and now one and a half there. You go to write for an hour and a half, you're outside in the sun, you come back, I go on the computer and try to fuck around with the book. I sit down later on, I send emails in the morning, I fuck around on Twitter and Facebook. Your day's always organized, so you don't rot to death on that fucking chair.

Right. I don't try to do three hour chunks. I don't try to be here in this heavyweight, because they'll kill my fucking back. So those days are over with me. I was trying to write this special of those months. I had that back pain, it was because I was sitting. Oh, really?

It was because I was sitting in chairs at Denny's, I was going to coffee shops, I was going to bars. I was always sitting down writing, so I had to figure something out, so now I just do it in short spurts, because it drives me crazy anyway. I'd rather write a paragraph and get up and take a walk than sit there for four hours and burn out like a fucking Momo.

And then that last paragraph you write means dick. Because you were so retarded, your brains were fried. Fuck it, go give yourself some air, take a walk, smoke a dube, go talk to the cat or something, just break the monotony for a half hour. You deserve it, you've been sitting there. Yeah, it's hard.

My hardest part is getting started. Once I'm working, I'm fine, but I think that's why people have had it wrong so much. And I never tried it, and maybe I should have, but I'll sit there for eight hours doing, spinning a pen, doing anything, but the work I'm supposed to be doing. No, sure.

What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? I was like that too for a while, I just needed to fucking eat. So when you need to eat, you know it's crazy that I've lived here for 20 years. And I've seen people come and go in this town, but there's a certain, and I can't,

Lee, you've been with me for five and a half years, and we've been fucking around. Yeah. Have you ever seen me in the five and a half years go to the celebrity parties or wanna go to premieres? I've been waiting for my invite, I haven't got no one cool.

I just don't do that stuff. Yeah, no. I could go to parties, I remember when I first got here, getting invited to these parties, and I probably went to two of them, and I knew right off the bat it didn't belong there. Like I had just always felt that it didn't belong there.

Don't get me wrong, people spoke to me, and I made people laugh and I mingled. I just always felt like I didn't belong there because I always felt that the people that saw me at those things thought I was there for a reason. So I always tried to avoid all that type of stuff. But aren't they there for that same reason?

Not really. They're really friends, and they've already made it. They're successful. Okay. You know, they deserve to hang out one another in line with one another. I'd never gotten to that point.

So it was just weird that people think, they don't know how to describe this, sometimes that who you hang with or something will get you to the next level while they're in film. Like sometimes I'm watching a movie and somebody will say, well, hey, the reason why he got there

is because he's such and such and his son. Or the reason why he's dead is because he's such and such his nephew or something like that. And they really don't understand. What people don't understand is that somebody could walk you to the dance. You still got to go in there and dance.

I think you're mostly right, but especially in that industry and film and stuff, it seems like there's always going to be some movie, some TV show to hire people. So I think in a lot of jobs, you're right. In the 20 years I've been here, I've been giving maybe three or four roles that I got a call on.

They said, come on down and do the work. And it was when I first got here, believe it or not, like on pilots for Fox or ABC, there was a casting director that called me twice. There was another casting director. So yes, I can't lie to you, but even if people have you in mind for a project, and this has been the whole time I've been here,

I've always had to go down there and audition and fucking be prepared because I always felt that at least I had made a call for me. I got to be better than everybody else. When I worked in my in-laws, when I got out of prison, I worked along six fucking guys and I could look you in the eye. And if I could find any of those guys today,

except for Mike Robach, we could call him up right now. Don't tell you that when I worked, I worked. Like I didn't talk, I didn't share the chat. I didn't have to rub suntan lotion on myself and take a break. I fucking got dirty. Like, you know, I went there to work. I worked as hard or hard as anybody else

because I was working for my in-laws. And I never wanted anybody to say I was a dumb son-in-law. I took a certain pride in that. Yeah. I mean, did you have an experience with someone who, who like you worked at a place and their son was an asshole or... All the time.

Yeah. All the time. And you look at it and go, Jesus, like my friend Vinnyry, the guy who owns the funeral parlor, when he was a kid, he worked. And when I look you in the eye and I tell you, he worked, he worked.

Like when we were 17, his parents would go to Florida for the holidays and gear would stay home and work in that funeral parlor. And he knew every aspect of it. By the time he was 18 or 19, he knew how the cleaning would be. He knew the autopsy procedures. He knew all the people he had to deal with

to get that certificates. He knew all that shit because he did it from scratch since the time he was probably 12 or 11. He's probably, I mean, not to get you off track, but someone like that, he's probably in the top 5% of all morticians in the country. He's been doing it all his life. All his life.

But on the other hand, you might see a family where they own a construction company. And the kid don't do construction, but he drives the best car in town. He has the nicest shoes. So guess what? The guy who joins the service, he gets fucking thrown out.

He goes to college. He never paid attention in high school. So now he has to turn to the family business. So here's a guy like you that went in there at 18 and busted his hump. And now you're 32. And he walks in there and now he's your boss. This happens across America and across the world

all the fucking time. Because the kid goes off. He never paid attention. They pampered him as a child. And now he has to actually go work for the family business. And they're not going to hire him as a fucking goat. No.

Because the kid's already mentally broken. So they're going to give him a push job. And this guy's going to come in and tell you what your fucking position is. You don't have to give him a wall club in. Leave it three. Sure. Booze, broads, a little blow.

I saw it all the time. And in a way I wanted to be that. That was the guy I wanted. I wanted to be the kid that your parents gave you money and you drove the best car in town and you did drugs. Never thought you were cool. That's a great fucking way to live. But good luck.

One day that balloon's going to burst and you're going to be left out in the cold. You know, I always said that when I was 18, 19, I wasn't doing bad financially working in the city with numbers. I had the drug problem and all that shit But beside all that it was a living and I was good at it and I knew the ins and out of it Because I did it as a child Were you worried at all? I mean I guess in the grand scheme It's one of the lesser of your crimes, but doing numbers you were never worried about

Oh, it's a misdemeanor in New York City. So but misdemeanor is not bad. I'm scared of you No, they disappear after a year See a probation officer a few times you lie to me and you're out of there, you know, I mean if a numbers You're not gonna get pissed tests You know, those are fucking nothing. It's the ones you get caught like I got caught for reefer in 1983-84 in New York City one of those fucking years. It's 83 It was the year Valvano and his team won so it had to be 83. Okay, and I Got arrested maybe a month before that I had to go to court. They gave me like I didn't do deck

Like I didn't do deck like probation in those days was deck Like I went I got arrested. There was a date on the ticket when I had to go to court I had to go at night eight o'clock at night. I went down at eight o'clock at night There was some fucking attorney there. He asked me what my name was I told them I shook his hand. He goes. All right. This was going on The they if you want to take it to trial, they're taking the trial But if you want to plea bargain there where he decided on a six month deferred sentence

Which meant if I didn't get arrested in six months on trouble that sentence would go away. Oh, all right That was it. I went to court for basically empty go. All right, boom deferred sentence. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but You've had you just said you're gonna rest it a month before that was there any part of you like fuck I might get arrested in the next six. No, no, no, no, I got arrested for that ticket the day after the Super Bowl in January we like 29 the 30th of that year of 83. Okay, I didn't go to court So the court logged the so backed up that I didn't go till Monday night the night that they played college basketball Championship so March, which was the last night of March. I was on the street for two months Okay, and by that time I had been arrested in New Jersey already. That's what I'm saying. You might possession of stolen tools

possession of fucking Distribution of fucking draw. No, no, there was no drugs at that time. It was all like fucking stupid shit like burglary To all yeah, like burglary tools and shit like that. So I had already been in the rest of New Jersey And now I got arrested in New York a month later, but I'm getting out of them my own reconnaissance Because I told them I'd been arrested in Jersey. So they're ready to know how to find me. You almost have the whole Tri-State area Yeah, so I almost have the whole Tri-State area. So now I Gotta go to court in New York City and I walk in there to do those boom deferred sentence So help me God. They go right go see the court clerk. I want to see the court clerk

She gave me like three sheets of paper one of them had a number and He goes call this number between 48 hours or they'll be in a restaurant put on you And I went home and I fucking call the guy the next morning Well, I wait the 48 hours. I called the next morning This bitch didn't call me back for 48 hours. I called him like four times left messages Called his receptionist and they said he'll get back to you in time He called me up and he goes what's going on with your life. I told him he goes was this your first arrest?

No, I got arrested the month before this is all done on the phone though I'm in shock. I thought I had to hang up and he was giving me an address to go report that He goes this is what I want you to do. What's today's date? I Was like, I don't fucking know April 3rd or something. He goes call me next month on the 3rd And I left That April 25th, and I remember calling them and go listen. I'm just gonna ask you permission. I'm not gonna go back to court Do you want me to? I'm leaving for Colorado. What do you want me doing? He goes nothing call me next month and tell me how it is out there

That's kind of scary and that was it and we did that We did that maybe three or four times and he goes listen your probation. Yeah, you're putting don't call no more Are you sure you're calling it sounds like you're calling one of your buddies? Oh, no I'm gonna talk to him. I forget what his fucking name was it was 34 fucking years ago 35 years ago What the fuck do I know? It is kind of crazy when you think about you just if you like going into a restaurant and I guess not everyone obviously not everyone who's on probation the terrible person but You don't know who's in like ever. We're just walking around. They just have to call a probation officer once a month Well now it's completely different. Okay now probation is a little bit more monitored

You know probation is what I call a rope when I tell you I'm gonna give that personal rope Right, that's probation. That means you're gonna hang yourself with it or you're gonna pull yourself in like seven out of 10 times they give you probation not even I'm lying I say six out of 10 times only get probation you gotta rest it but then fucking me see if I can go okay, yeah, it's a tremendous rate. It really is a fucking really weird way really weird rate of what it is a percentage isn't I mean no I mean not to say that they should be breaking any laws but isn't aren't like the rules really straight like if they if you the some of them you can't even drink no

no there's different there's different rules I know when I was under the influence of all that shit there was like if you drink like the other day I was watching a commercial I said let's to read with no alcohol right you know why because in the halfway house people fucking failing left and right some people are lying they said they were taking listerine but some people were getting tested on the way out the door she so they were drinking listerine no they were listerine in the morning you fuck we don't know I was asked cuz I in Boston it freaked me out there was this one homeless dude on the common who

would drink listerine all day so I thought I thought that's what you meant they had to have no list no alcohol listerine for for the convicts okay yeah he was drink he drank he drank it if anyone's on is in Boston like halfway up Trumont Street on one of those benches he's only at least when I was there he was he just lived on that bench and then you knew when he was done because the bottle would turn from green to yellow cuz you'd pee in the bottle that's a beautiful story I'm happy you said that with me I never I never knew you were around people like that people like class like that it's around myself with

the best joy but sometimes you hang out with people for the for the weird reasons I knew early on when I got here and I could look you in the face and tell you honestly that nobody was gonna do anything for me but me do you understand me and I can give you a thousand examples and you had friends I had thousands of friends who had huge friends huge friends you know I met Ahmed was roommates with Vince Vaughn and the other guy when they wrote swingers if you watch swingers I met a menace in the scene or two in the movie oh well I have watch it again you understand me I mean that's that's everybody gets certain

opportunities in this town it's what you do with that dance Louis CK was writing for a show a sketch out he brought me and I auditioned Louis asked me if I wanted but it wasn't like do paperwork I had a audition I think I even auditioned for scare tactics yes yes I did even though it was given to me already so like just so people can understand who aren't in the but like I don't even know I'm assuming maybe Brad Pitt doesn't have to audition no but like level like what level of people do you think are still auditioning in movies like or I'm just not even sure when people go in love when do you think the

point is when you just get called in I think this is how it is now I think now that you look at a movie and you attach the money guy to the movie correct right yeah attach who's gonna draw fucking seats to the movie unless you want nobody to go to your fucking movie all right so you got to get one of those people and you got to pay them fucking huge whether it's Will Smith the Tom Hanks the fucking the other guy you got to pay them a couple mill twenty mill whatever the fuck it is and then you got to make offers out to supporting actors Kevin Bacon Lawrence Fishburn so they get offers they don't even have they don't

have to audition they get offers okay they get offers and then if they read the script and like the script and I'm just talking speculation here they meet with the director and maybe a producer they tell them the vision of what they want from him and then maybe he'll give his interpretation and maybe you'll read in the room one scene where they want just not because you didn't get it and then everybody after that has to read I'm sure that there's three or four people on the set who you just give roles to because they're friends to producer maybe the role is one line right I had those you know I'm not gonna

lie to you I had those given to me I told you I bumped into Sam Raimi the guy who put me in Spider-Man 2 right the big-time director you bumped into him recently I went to listen to me okay Monday that Tuesday I did the 420 with Doug Doug Benson and Chloe Dykstra was up right and on that show that Tuesday I told the story of how Chloe and I met Chloe called into the podcast in the very beginning of this podcast I don't remember what I asked her this is way before we had live guests but Chloe and I Chloe was 14 15 and she was the little girl on the train with the glasses on right yeah so here we are 13 14

fucking years later on the Doug Benson show smoking dope and one of the conversations we had while we were waiting the tape weren't you there yeah you were there was about Sam Raimi how cool Sam Raimi was blah blah blah blah how luck we were to work with Sam Raimi at that time well here I am two days later at Amazon and the guy one of the guys Matt comes over to me that we're pitching with and he goes hey man I saw you on everybody loves Doug I don't whatever Doug talking about Spider-Man 2 he goes I never knew you were spider man too when I'm telling him this story like that Tuesday like that Tuesday

afternoon he goes yeah I watch it for a little while on my computer at work he's one of the head writers and stuff so or whatever he is a producer or whatever the fuck he is he's my dog so the next day we go to pitch and who the fuck do you think is sitting on me with three other people but Sam Raimi oh now I haven't seen Sam Raimi in fucking you know 12 13 years since I was spider-man to God shot maybe summer of 2003 it's fucking 2017 I haven't seen Sam Raimi since we shot the movie and then we had like a screening that was the last time you saw the last time you know so here I am in this office I don't say nothing he

didn't recognize you I didn't want him to I signed in and I fucking sat with where I was sitting which is on the other side of the room and I wondered about walking up to him and shaking his hand and thank him but nothing didn't need to and all of a sudden they call us that and I'm talking to Matt and Matt goes look and as I turn around he's walking up and he's walking towards the stairs also and he's a gentleman so he stops and he goes like this and also he looks right at me and I go thank you for putting me in your movie years ago and he goes I was looking at you you look familiar I go

yeah I'm the guy in the train and he goes I go you know I did the I saw Chloe Dyke Street yesterday and I told him and he was like wow that's weird this is a weird deja vu you know it's great to see it's great you're still doing it da da da da da you're still pitching you know shit like that that's awesome yeah it was great it was great just to see him he you know man he took a chance by putting me in Spider-Man 2 but that even like that day I didn't know nobody I didn't know nobody had an answer I'm an agent those days called Nancy apt all right this bitch did not fuck around her office at that time right look like it

had been hit by a bomb in Beirut okay you know 15 years from from 97 to two years ago I didn't really have an agent people I had like somebody who was posing as an agent but in 98 I signed with a manager called Jeff Jeff was a fucking barracuda Jeff did more for me than anybody in the entertainment business ever in a matter of four or five years but I didn't have the talent I didn't have the credits I didn't have my chops yet I would still go to auditions do a great read but my hand would be shaking with the sides you know I wasn't ready for Jeff but Jeff tried to get me with agents and the

whole time he would always go to me listen I know you want to sign with this guy and I know you want to sign with this guy but I know this lady at this agency now I go I don't want to sign with that fucking lady I don't want to be with that agency for you to be known you have to be with a big agency but every agent turned me down so I'll never forget a week before Christmas he talked me into meeting with this check this is what's the street that turns into the 101 Lebray or Highland I think it's Highland okay so you're going up I want you to visualize this okay you just passed them all on the left hand side

you're going up to the 101 okay as you're going up there's a little island on Highland right before you hit that street where the 7-eleven is and the fucking subway sandwiches on the corner that's that's a little island street as a matter of fact across from there when I first got here I used to sell porn on the phone what I haven't taken that who the fuck did you know I'm saying well you don't know that you think you're a private investigator well this is how bad this neighborhood was what kind of porn did you sell on the phone porno's like DVDs or v-tests yeah when I was selling cigars when I first got here

I was selling cigars on the phone I would love to hear your porno sales pitch I was terrible but it was it was maybe 400 a week working in those days I used to work maybe ten to one I was pulling down four bills a week I never even looked at the movies I never even saw a box I had two options you could either load the boxes the porno into the boxes okay you could call porno places across the country and sell them porno I rather do that on commission I would show up at like 9 30 at what I used to live on for this is well as a matter of fact this is way before the cigars this is when Highland was basically fucking filthy

like that movie theater was chance Chinese theater isn't it Santa Monica and Highland that yummy on donuts were you yeah yeah with a transvestite talk no I don't know if it's Santa Monica I don't know nothing about Santa Monica we're talking about Hollywood Boulevard going up to the 101 Boulevard Highland that was in 98 that was a fucking den of death and in the court when you went like this before you fold it into the 101 like 30 fucking yards before you hit the Hollywood Bowl right there on that corner they stole it was fucking 20 people on the phone and 20 people stocking boxes and trucks would be going

out of there all day and they either gave you like eight bucks an hour or you made commission do you have to like what like I just imagine you selling gay porn transvestite I had no idea what I was selling there was a sheet of paper and they'd tell you what to read on there yeah hot sex with chick coming on their ass it's a hot seller and you compare it to something I don't remember not to leave I don't know photography in this one this is 98 97 I don't know nothing but anyway to make them long story short across from there there was a building that today is gorgeous but in 90s safe when I got here and I was

dreaming of this fucking big agency where they offer you water and shit this plight I remember pulling in the into the underground parking and I'm like oh my god when we walked up the step there was little fucking condoms and shit at least they had parking I'm like cheese us yeah but no they robbed your car good is having parking if you're gonna rob my fucking car and like we walk up the steps to this elevator then you pressed it and you went upstairs and you the whole building you know the building we were in on Lancashire right that's what it was but that's my agency people fucking taking naked pictures in

they had private investigators in there you know it was just a fucking greasy building and here's this fucking agency and I open up the door with my fucking manager at the time he goes listen to me it's not the agency it's the agent he goes excuse me excuse me he goes this lady he goes I've been here and I've got my own management company and this lady is a fucking people she's and I guess it really doesn't matter which lady but it's scary it didn't matter like she got she called in she had been a big agency for like 10 years she knew everybody in town and one day she got sick and tired of wearing

a dress she wanted to wear fucking sweatpants not do her hair and bring her dog to work so she went to work at this place and she took a fucking huge clientele but this lady never stopped when I tell you Lee she was on my phone every fucking day pushing me and she specialized in comedy car comedy character actors so her and I clicked right off the bat we must have booked 15 things together that's how good and precise she was I'm surprised she's not still one of your agents she disappeared she abandoned ship she went back home for a while and then she came back and she thought about it she thought about

joining going to aqua agency which if she would have gone to aqua agency with the knowledge she had today she would have killed it because aqua is one of those small agencies but if you sign with them you're gonna audition like if you signed with aqua town like I was with them in the commercial apartment there wasn't one week for three years I didn't go out on audition either they got you something that you were right for or you went in for a fucking Asian they didn't give a fuck they got you out they kept you sharp they were very smart they kept you sharp sometimes it's in you out for those fucking demos where you got

three hundred five dollars for the day and you didn't get residuals but they kept you sharp and I was very impressed with that the whole point is to keep you working the whole point was when I left them I didn't leave them cuz I wasn't happy with them I left them because I was trying to get into voiceovers so every eight people think that you come out here just like me that you come out here and you have to lock in with a big agency and that's bullshit even when I first came out here I signed with an agency called the coloring book did I ever tell you that yeah that's the two black ladies the two black chicks and the

agency was like a kids agency okay you know how embarrassing that was like everybody else's paper like in those days you had to put your resume behind your headshot and staple it okay so it would have to be perfect 8 by 10 so I would go to fucking by the way it's closed whatever Harry Wong fucking printing and on Sunset Blvd went under right next to Elk and Padre that's fucking that's a heartbreak that place had been this is Jesus Chicago dog but anyway you have to have it most people wanted their paperwork white but in a good way she made you put it pink yeah well yeah it stands up so it stands out

so she was very smart in that department you just didn't like having pink paperwork wrong she fucking closed my deal with Bronx County that time and she did something else she got me a couple things I sat there and went wow how did you get me into this like she was that good too she just disappeared one day also it's crazy the percentage is a little small agencies how they make a run for it and then they crumble something happens and everybody runs at that time I was at with three agents at one time they like I was working three agents at one time is that allowed no fuck there was no computer then the

computer hadn't been involved in okay you really didn't get involved electronic submissions didn't really start so maybe like 2004 so till 2004 I had a rain here like six years that I had three different agents sending me out for three different and if truly like I told you it's really weird what I learned but back to the situation at hand cocksucker before you throw me off again I'm sorry Adam Sandler's nephew great kid I forget what his name is great kid just the fucking him and his sister gray I met him when he was really young when I did the longest yard he called me and years later to do one of his short films I had

a great time I got invited to the premiere and stuff like that you know you think somebody like that by now would be a huge director in this town no he's still out there fighting for his fucking life Adam can make a call Adam could make a call but guess what I don't think Adam would want to make a call and I don't think his nephew would want him to make that call do you know what I'm saying oh yeah yeah the only reason I got my first job in LA was because I went to Emerson so that was one and then be my dad knew the host of the show so he called and I got the internship so it's when I when I left that first job it

was I really made a point to try to get it like I and it hurts me too but I always try to do it without other people's help I feel like at a certain point I should you should ask for help but yeah it does bring a certain amount of pride to just do it just applied or just do anything just from start to finish on your own like I was talking along as a distorted he was telling me listen to a podcast of whatever his name is and he was saying that Joe had done this and this and this for me so we know I sat down you know what Joe took me on the road but when nobody knows in the beginning when I first met Joe he

used to take Chris McGuire on the road all right it was when they first met Joe Joe was just starting to go on the road I was going on the road on my own as a feature act I really didn't have anybody taking me on the road I remember I would work with certain people but I would never ask them to take me on the road there were a few people who did take me on the road with them like Todd Jordan and Rick Kearns and in my early career that they liked me and then later on I had like a Jimmy Schubert when I came out here took me on the road a few times and helped me out and who are support Rodriguez in the beginning you

know but I always knew that I didn't want to be that guy I knew that I wanted to always be able to do my own thing not just to sit at home and wait for that back and call you know I'm saying like that's the type of person I wanted to be like I was still at the commie store every night I was still I did all those Mexican rooms in South LA every single one of them every night of the week that's what paid for my addiction but at the same time not knowing I was also becoming a better comedian because I would go into deep terrain four nights a week and then go to the commie store everything is hunky dory you follow me

you know this there's places where keep people come prepared to laugh and there's places but it's a bar and you got to go up there and blow your fucking toe off to get their attention it's like using the what is it called the doughnut when you're when you swing yeah it's a little different you know it's it's or it's really weird and then you learn a fine line you learn a fine line after like five or six years of doing that you learn a fine line in between those shows and how different they are and how different you have to walk down the aisle of those shows you can't do the bar material on stage and you can't do a

lot of the stage material at a bar would it be would it be hard for you to do a a bar show now no no no bar shows are easier for me remember to tell you why yes ready it's 30 minutes it's high energy and filth mix a little compassion and just laying on them but it's got to be high energy so you stand out from everybody else and you grab their attention because of the bar the television is gonna be on at a bar the pool table is gonna be fucking people are gonna still play pool but that sounds a lot like a comedy store set to me no a company stores a contract a controlled

savagery set it's a controlled set when I go to lose lounge on a Wednesday night because I'm gonna have three drinks and snort a couple lines of blow and also I get there and fucking Joe Diaz is on stage talking nonsense it's a complete different night I didn't come there listen to some guy talking in my fucking ear right now went there to fucking get drunk and do a couple lines and maybe pick up some dirty trick that's there so it's an hour and a half of that so you have to convince me that you're funny I have to have to actually pay attention to you so maybe a guy that's not as experienced goes up first he doesn't

really do any damage because it's a different environment than the open mic per se and even the state set are you with me I'm with you I'm just why do you think that like it just seems like that would be funny anywhere why doesn't that relate to like if you went like a comedy club why doesn't it work okay because when I go to a comedy club you're paying to go in there and you prepared to laugh that's the psychology of the game when you go to an open mic half the people aren't really drinking they're frustrated comics just like you doing material it's when you have a few drinks that you loosen up on stage and

open mics do not get me wrong are a lot of fun I always enjoyed open mics in the smallest cities because it felt like the comics are fighting for something and I could take you back to three or four cities that I went and I personally saw growth every four or five months because of that certain open mic type pride in those small cities cities like Houston Texas cities like Austin cities like Boston there's still small cities that you could do comedy at that it's not as glamorous but you get funny fucking fast me for a lot faster than you would be in LA do you know why because you get thrown into the lines a lot faster and

they're different type of lines so it's okay if you fuck up in the back of your mind the psychology of it it's okay if you fuck up in the back of your mind well it's interesting because you have a different judge every time you go on stage it's not like the audience is the same so that that's actually something that I haven't even thought about before you can't even really it's hard to judge your material because some material works on some audiences and doesn't work on others always but but it changes every time you do a show so it's hot that must be how hard to judge how your material is doing because you don't have a

constant you don't have like a boss being like oh yeah your work is getting better you have to have someone come back and be like oh yeah I saw you two weeks ago well I know how I do once I get off stage when I'm on stage I feel what they feel uncomfortable sometimes they're having a really good time energy is energy and what you give out is what you get back and you really learn that when you're on a stage and people are in front of you whether you're in a play whether you're in a music I can't imagine playing the band like I did that thing you know what's his name show with you when I sang down there the goddamn

comedy dream right that was a completely different animal you don't meet dog I overhand a lot allies everything when I get stoned just like anybody else and I thought about that night and where that anxiety came from that anxiety fuck anybody would have got that I thought I was fucking like breaking down because I got anxiety anybody would have got that that's ever been on stage before it's the same anxiety you get when you get on stage as a comedian now I was singing which I had that meant I had you know like people behind me playing an instrument which is another form of fucking you know like there's another

constant I had never really had that yeah you never had experience that person for the 200 fucking people whatever was in that and I know you're an actor on a stand-up and you have probably better memorization than most people but you didn't stand up that night too so you have to do we have to remember your stand-up and you have to memorize a song I didn't fucking know you had to do a story about the fucking song oh but I had no story about the song I just want to stand dick around in front of a bunch of rock people right I'm just saying memorizing a song is tough okay a complete different fucking genre that's

what Jim Florentine is tremendous at Jim Florentine goes to these rock bars and rocks their fucking world you understand me something that I can't I could do but I don't do it often I do more of comedy clubs sometimes a theater where you actually pay to fucking come see that specific fucking comedian at a rock club it's the same difference but they're a little rowdy and plus there's a constant that's standing that makes the comedy a little tougher right especially if you want to take it into murky waters and go past the hour do you think but I mean like bands have different kinds of set like said like where they play the

songs because that's weird like to have different kinds of ways you do stand-up visit is unique well you know a band wants to change or maybe they want to add a a cover to their you know repertoire I don't know I don't do music right I know how comedy changes I know that for me I can't take let's say I had a set 45 minutes I was gonna put on a fucking special right I know that there would be certain places where I couldn't run that set just because of what their thought pattern is or just by me thinking I know what their thought pattern is so it's a two-way street but it generally works you know when it

works when the energy is behind it when you believe in your material that's when your material works anywhere it could work in hell it could work on a Christian church it works anywhere when your belief is a hundred percent that's what I've learned when I'm really loose and I'm rocking and rolling that's it that's it I believe in this material I believe in what I'm fucking saying the story I'm telling you this is how it went fucking down I was fucking there my goal is to take you there that is my goal as a comedian when I bomb I know I failed at all those fucking aspects or one of those aspects because there's possibly

like a second yourself something if you go tomorrow and go Joe Diaz I don't fucking do podcasts no more and my uncle Louis said he'd get me a job selling what's hot now pharmaceuticals sure or printers printers printers still hot yeah sure everyone needs a printer alright let's say you went and so fucking printers right you're gonna have your way of selling but the companies that have you do steps they're gonna send you Oklahoma for a week where you train and the sales professionals there I'm gonna show you you have steps on stage believe it or not you have steps and if you don't fucking believe me watch two

or three of the greatest my people who I learned the steps one number one Bill Hicks he walked you through steps he planned those steps even if it looked like improv it was all planned it wasn't improv he was not improvising he was setting you up that's brilliant right there number two Sam Tennyson was setting you up setting you up to eat your fucking guts out that's a different type you know I'm saying it's it's weird and then you had velvet hammers like Richard Jenny what does velvet hammer mean a velvet hammer exactly what I'm saying you don't see him coming he just sucks you in what a unique way of storytelling

like Richard Jenny those are the people who taught me that they had a planned out there's sometimes I have a plan and it still goes over it still goes fucked up and there's sometimes I don't have a plan and the plan actually hatches right in front of your fucking eyes how's that one for you cocksucker I don't know if it doesn't did does anyone have a plan I mean I'm no I know some people do but it like a even when you look oh yeah every sometimes I think whenever I hear about lately is really influential people in history I just think maybe like they were just they probably had shitty days and they didn't know where they were

going and maybe they just came like maybe just happened I don't know no and some part in some way they had some part of plan or a belief or both because before the plank of hats you have to have some sort of belief in what in yourself yourself or whatever fucking you want to do if you want to sell fucking cameras door-to-door you have to have some type of belief when you knock on that door why am I providing you a fucking service why do you need to buy this from me this is why I'm gonna tell you why you need to buy this camera from me because of all these reasons bye bye bye bye bye so you have a plan and after

a while but you keep doing it that plan you'll see the catches of your plan where you'll hook people you know I'm saying with certain words and stuff like you start seeing where what people respond to yeah and also you start taking pauses because when you're selling something like that pauses a number one because it shows that you have control of the conversation okay you know when I sold I learned a lot I've talked about this on this show a thousand times I give that a lot of credit to why we doing what we're doing now because they came apart why became a business instead of just a regular comedian

there's two different mindsets but to get that mindset you have to have a belief and to have that belief you got to cover that spread you got to do the fucking work but there are some we've talked to like you how you did you didn't you weren't ready for Jeff Gatlin at that point did you think you were like did you think you'd put in the work I've been doing comedy seven years at that time I didn't know dick about dick I got here when I was doing comedy let's face it honestly I got here when I was doing comedy six years as a as a individual

comic I was a mediocre feature act when I moved here no acting experience except the college film at the University of Colorado that's it no acting classes didn't even know about that world I like movies but did you did you think in your head at that time are you saying oh I'm gonna I'm a star I'm the best comic coming to LA you were reasonable with yourself not at all not at all not at all when I saw Pablo Francisco do sign felt in Spanish I knew I sucked when I saw Doug Stanhope destroy the comedy story 830 one night I know I sucked when I saw Joe Rogan destroy I met a mediterranean one night it was an

hour set that till this night I'll never forget the reaction of people in the room that's when Rogan was Rogan 1998 99 he was uninhibited he had worked this set like a year and a half two years he hadn't gone on the road with this and it was pinpoint and one night he unleashed it you know I still remember those early performances how I saw I was like wow I'm far away from this shit I remember seeing Greg Gerardo and seeing fucking earthquake one night at the laugh factory basically take the wall paint off the fucking wall and it wasn't a black night it was a white night all right you know I you see these comics and you go

Jesus what the fuck did they just do well how many comics do you think are realistic with themselves or how many do you think are like I could do that my mom dad funny at that point I did not think that well right now I know I get strictly be honest at that point I was doing comedy maybe eight years when you rounded all up 2000 2001 that was 10 years by that point I had been in LA four years and I had seen some great fucking sets you know I saw some great sets I saw a comic one night Lou Torres on a Thursday night take the original room apart he did some comics and he did some jokes he did some impersonations

and then he sang I'll never forget this there was a black dude that I met in Seattle I can't remember what his name was he wore a little hat he was very good to me he was very nice to me and Josh Wolf one night in Seattle he was on a TV show he was the musical director okay on the show on ABC the Stephanie something show and he wore a hat he was a black dude and he was on the show at ABC and me and Lee me and Josh Wolf or feature an emcee that that weekend we got on that weekend on purpose because we knew the place would be packed I never believed that working with the guy would make me a star do you know what I

am right yeah what cheap my way through or anything like that it just so happened the guy was crazy he went to the Jaguar shit and he asked us Friday night what are you guys gonna do like nothing we'll fucking feature acts he goes come with me let's go to the strip club he took us to town's oval we went to a strip club I got like one lap dance and had a bag of blow I take a cab home it was fucking horrible the next night he took us out again well guess what three months later I'm in LA I didn't know I was on the move to LA and he was at the store every night it's crazy how you meet people on the road before you fucking move it

it always have to be nice what the fuck is his name now it's gonna haunt me kind of this show got canceled he still did spots but I remember seeing him one night at the improv on a Saturday night he sang he'd crack jokes and he played the piano he fucked that room up so my point is when I saw those people do those things I thought I was years away realistically I could be honest with you I thought one night I was in the main room and I saw Paul Rodriguez destroy that room and Mitchy Shaw told me something that night that stuck with me so I knew and she goes you see that that's 20 years at that time I was

doing comedy maybe eight years I was like fuck 20 fucking years but you know what I never thought about it I never said I'm gonna stick it out to 20 years I just didn't think about it that way I just was happy I was doing it that day that's the crazy I was happy I was doing it that fucking day if you do anything for 20 years you have to be it's like at least pretty good at it like that I can't even imagine doing something for 20 years neither can I at least I had neither can I that's why I didn't give a thought when I was at the eight year mark I was like this is gonna end any day now because yeah I got on stage the first time in 91 of July so or June one of those two

so by fucking 2000 I'm like oh this is gonna fucking this uh something's gonna happen I'm gonna get hit in the head with a building or some shit sounds like you're listening to my brain now oh my god I got the 10 year anniversary and I was like this is crazy I had the 10 year anniversary I had a girlfriend we were poor but we had an apartment we had one car and it worked I was doing blow it worked and you know what by like the 11th year I was doing tv and trust me I would walk out of those auditions in shock like I signed with Jeff in 98 I started clicking in 2001 yeah over those three years there was individual things and bing bang boom an hour on this game show or something like that but

theatrically I didn't start clicking till 2001 2002 2003 and I think Jeff left he became a producer in 2002 I stay with Nancy Apt you follow me so I lost a manager but I called her up right away because I knew that was as good as like when I went and met with them when we walked out of there I'm like I'm not signing with her you're crazy that's a haunted house there were pictures on the wall and fucking coffee cups it looked like Bruce Willis's office and that fucking movie did with Damon Wayans well there was paperwork everywhere that was her office but she's like dog all my people work all my fucking people work Joey and I'm like okay whatever I walked out of there like fuck you I'm never he's like you gotta sign what I'm telling you so when he left I went

right to her because I knew one thing I would get out there for auditions at least for auditions at least holy shit pretty fucking crazy shit but what I was telling you is that what I was trying to tell you with that even when I met Joe I met Joe on a very innocent level when I met Joe I didn't know what news radio was I could tell you honestly I did have at that time I didn't watch TV I was so focused on stand-up I didn't I couldn't tell you what was on TV if it wasn't on after one or two in the morning on HBO or one of those channels I had no idea what TV was in the daytime I was usually working or sleeping or coming down off coke or there was no TV in my life when I got into comedy so when I met Joe when I met you know at that time there was a bunch of people hanging out at the

store Andrew was there every night you know I didn't talk to Andrew for maybe two two and a half years three years when I was at the store I just didn't think I had a right to go up to him and talk to him if he wanted to talk to me let him fucking talk to me and I'll talk back to him that's how I was raised I wouldn't go yeah absolutely Gary Shanling was still going to the store who's the guy that blows up the balloon was still going up to the store Lenny Clark was going up to the fucking store there was a bunch of fucking people going up to the store in those days so both of those brothers were going up to the store the Wayans were at the store every fucking night in those day in those days there was Damon and the brother who was the director of fucking and living color they would

come out together every fucking night and one would do a set and then the other guy would do a set you know there was a ton of people that I used to say hello to I would have mild conversations with them hello goodbye how are you up next yeah how do you like going up late you know shit like that they would just talk to me about that type of shit but for some reason I never thought honestly that me asking them like the only thing they could do that anybody could do is give me advice and I had God rest his soul I had Rick duke them in those days who I really believed in and I kind of wanted a career like his what was his career like he would do a few movies a year he would do a few weekends on the road he had a wife and he had children and he kept it simple

you know he was in a few movies he was in a few time bank movies and whenever I would have a problem in those days I would call him and he would have sorted out for me I think that's I was going to ask you about that I think that's hugely important because we were talking about it earlier how like you can convince yourself of something convince yourself that you're not good or convince yourself someone's gonna end and I think how how long did you have him as like a sounding board I met him in Seattle in 97 96 and we stayed in touch mutually to a friend this was way before social media you know I was involved but I didn't get involved with a hotmail till 98 99 and I forgot all about my fucking hotmail and the code and shit

I just remember that I had a hotmail like 2001 when I needed a fucking email that seriously I didn't know nothing about a computer nothing but and then when I got to LA I never wanted to ask our mutual friend for Dukeman's number so what I did was I had spots at the store and he would have spots at the store he would go up down the weekends he would do the laugh back through the improv then his wife and him would close it up at the store he'd smoke a number out there with the guys and stuff like that and I'd see him and one day he offered me his number and he goes if you need any help when he had called me so I didn't want to ask him to be a regular at the store because I had Stan Hope I had Carlos

Mincia voucher me I had that kid the black kid from Seattle voucher me that when I just told you with that stuff I had a few people vouch me in those days and I got a call and I became a regular I kept breaking Dukeman to the side Rick went on the road in those days but very subtly especially to Canada so in those days I could get into Canada I never asked him you know I never even brought it up with him but what would happen is for some reason we would get spots on the same night so I would have his ear for 10 or 15 fucking minutes but every time he saw me I made sure I approached him with something like I had advanced you know and it was weird we had a few conversations and I had a few conversations with his wife and those those conversations still fucking I still

remember those conversations about how to act how to go over the top but not go over the top just in movies in general because he had done all those movies and at first I would go to acting lessons but if I had a producer session I would call him and he'd tell me exactly what to do and I'd do it exactly to the tape so a lot of the shit I'd do for auditions today is because rest in peace because of Rick Dukeman and then they work dude like you find do you find what he was straight from what he told you like you fuck up and then if you try what he said it works well he would navigate me on every move like when I got the pilot he told me what to do next you know he was an old school hustler so he would tell me to go to that fucking bookstore and buy the casting director book

and get the address to the top 10 casting directors and hand deliver them an envelope with a resume and a handwritten fucking letter and I did that to the tee and guess what my auditions went up 30 fucking percent now did they go up 30 percent because they read the envelopes ah maybe it went up 30 percent because I put 30 more percent effort in and that's what he used to always tell me you have to work it from every fucking angle then I figured out from him telling me that we're casting directors I figured out if you buy that fucking uh back stage west on wednesdays you get auditions from that in the beginning I didn't have a fucking agent at least all those auditions I was getting were auditions that I was generating

and even though I was blowing them like I was completely wrong at all like they went years that didn't book anything that's the honest fucking I don't even think I used to get callbacks back but that's how bad I was but by going into all those rooms and getting it out of the way they weren't big projects they were all going to be fucking sexist shit anyway in the long run I never saw one of those things getting played out or they probably went to a small festival or something they weren't going to change my life right but all those auditions I went through got me ready for fucking it was like three years of auditioning to get it finally down to wow this is how I have to do it I took acting lessons and I mixed it together but I would call Rick for

different things like that he was like a mentor to me till about 2004 and then I didn't hear from him for a while he went back to Canada and guess what what happened I booked the longest yard oh shit and I and I didn't call and I booked the longest yard like I think I left him a message on his phone and that was the end of that I never heard from him again all right and guess what what the longest yard gets released unlike a Wednesday night here like and I don't know nothing about this shit they don't tell me that I don't want people at home to think there's a premiere there's usually a cast and crew let's pretend there's a cast and crew on Monday night and it would be over by a century city where we did Doug okay right there okay that's

where the cast and crew there's a movie theater there we did it right there so it's not as big and glamorous okay no that's for casting crew you could bring your wife let's say you're the camera dude you could bring Paula okay gotcha all right so then Tuesday they take it over to Hollywood Boulevard and they do the glam band the right carpet the stars Tuesday Wednesday right and then Wednesday they watch that Oprah's house did you know that that's how every movie gets released now no this is okay this is when I was gonna say I have no idea Spider-Man 2 came out there's no longest yard came out you know Chris Rock was friends with Oprah Sam Raimi was friends with Oprah makes more sense so I heard and I didn't the dog did I get no dog please I don't want nobody

no nobody invites Uncle Joey those things at all Uncle Joey hears about this shit years later and that's how I figured this out then Thursday they have a screening at the studio for regular if Steven Spielberg wants to come okay they serve whatever some food you go you mingle you got to be Jewish to get in there like nothing else gets in there 98.3% of Jews one guy slips in there because you know he wants to let money on the vague to the one dude something this one black guy one Asian guy and that night something must have happened the movie got released Friday and that Friday night I'm in Houston Texas I was in Houston for the weekend for a purpose because I did well in Houston and the Houston football team was doing

like a mini camp I knew this because the comedy club owned his wife work for Pepsi so she knew everything that was going on with sports in the area and they would do some type of thing so she had them go to the movies with me oh shit she set that up too were they the Oilers or were they the Texans the Texans they're so they were the Texans by the way the Texans so she set that up I didn't know nothing about these viewings and I'm like that I didn't know how it worked I would be lying to you if I knew I knew nothing I'm in Houston Texas so I'm basically in Houston getting fucked up I barely made it to this movie with the Texans then that Friday I had the radios that night the shows were packed for a person who wasn't a well-known comic I did really well in Houston then

this is 2005 okay so had they seen the movie by that at that point do you think a lot of people went to the seventh like this late movie was packed and then Saturday it was dripping from the fucking seams oh my god but I'll never forget that that Friday night I'm doing a couple lines of coke it's about one in the morning Houston time which would make it 11 o'clock in that light right right yeah and these days they used to close the comedy club and you just sat at the bar with the owner then a bunch of guys that would be in a couple you know they have like 30 people they don't get me wrong some people were drinking some people in there drinking and smoking there were some people like myself that were fucking filthy animals and we'd be going to the bathroom doing bombs and drinking

Jagermeister and Bea's and shit and getting fucked up old school Texas and all of a sudden one night guess what my phone rang it was about 11 15 11 30 at night it was Rick Duke on me oh and he goes what's up and it was like an unknown number say he blocked it or something yeah it was blocked but it was blocked because it was calling from out of the country ah and he goes how you doing congratulations don't want to move right can you listen I just want you to know something one day when you get in call me because I want to set something up with you Tom Hanks wants to meet you that's one of the last times I talked to him Doug he said a meeting of a million Tom Hanks that was it and then I talked to him once after that and then recently I already passed away

maybe a few years ago but he was sort of like the guy in the beginning that talked me through things he helped me make little moves would you be like should I do this club should I detect this deal yes he became and once he knew I was serious he got more into it it wasn't because I was slipping like I was making calculated moves even then like I was here for maybe a year and I popped that Taco Bell commercial that Taco Bell commercial was huge it was everywhere did they see me for a split second if you had a fucking eagle eye and contact lenses binoculars and a nasa telescope that's the only way you could see me in this commercial but guess what a way before the computer I told everybody at that store and the people come up to me and go I saw you and I saw

you that so it was really crazily I you'd have to be fucking that fast to see me in this fucking thing but that was the first thing I booked I shot the pilot for CBS and then I popped baseball so this was I remember still auditioning for baseball calling him afterward and going you're not gonna believe what happened I just auditioned for basketball and he goes listen if you get that movie that's gonna be good for you where's Tony Bennett it's Monday bitches that we were strong I want to be around yes it was to pick up the pieces this door seem to be done okay somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart as I I

us somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me me anyway let me give a fucking couple of shots out here my man joey zaza tweets thank you for the candles one shaking the devil's hand and selling his soul I had a fucking light that went on fire with the chicken blood and shit you fuck anyway thank you for the candles my man david garner my man matt both is all my little black Sabbath fucking goomba well i'm gonna see you fucking wise guys in newton a few weeks sam femeno michael j brannon jayme mcglucklin zant my man zack gids with the fucking picture of his fucking harin anand is there happy j

happy birthday my man j bitch aka johnny pittsburgh aka many god's many sanguine you know i love you j i'll see you in september and my other main man d ferretti what are you kidding me or what 22 the life no parole you understand me let's say what's going on cut that's on face tomorrow's a weird day for me and it always is this year it didn't bother me i'm not gonna sit here and tell you i need to go see a psychiatrist or nothing i got those type of little problems like that i'm 10 i think you should be 15 i'm sorry i guess no i'm to go here to me what are you gonna do don't we apologize to me you're still loving either way it's i bust your balls me i bust your balls or not because

there's a lot of nights i actually go there and wait before i went to see the hypnotist that i gotta be honest with you you know i i wait before i want to see the hypnotist i was hypnotized of myself in a way because i wanted to go home at night if you listen man there's no fucking family use your body's your body your heart your heart things happen along the way you know you don't know what's gonna happen with your heart or if you smoke the wrong fucking cigarette that one time that they put the extra contamination in you don't fucking know every day is a fucking windy road with my look i did no you didn't but anyway the point being what the fuck is the point me see you you make me find no family use

tomorrow's a hard day you bust my balls yeah and some nights i would go home at night and you know i hate the stars like you i i did what you did and sometimes not in my office but i go in my living room i turn off the tv and i put the chair thing under my legs and i would just close my eyes and i would take myself back to what i felt like when i was your age like as dumb as this sounds people you know i would just sit there at night close my eyes and go what the fuck did i feel like when i was 28 fucking years old and it's

right now my feet from how high my blood pressure went up i could feel my body throbbing under my leg that's how i felt at 28 like my fingers like i was hypnotizing myself without fucking knowing it were you angry or you won't want to why was your blood pressure going out because i think about the person that i was at that age and i was just a cased animal looking for trouble without knowing like and i had just come out of jail you know but i was still not doing what i was doing before there was no weapons there was nothing like that i was just basically

91 is when i got on stage the first time 91 is when i the year started me really wanting to be a good estimator so i went to seminars and did all that shit on my own and by the same time i wanted to stand up so 91 i was 28 i was getting married no 90 i started comedy but while i was starting comedy i got to be honest with you i didn't know what direction i was going with my wife and the kid and four months later we got separated that was over so at your age already i had been out of prison that's crazy because i started stand up and i had gotten divorced and i sit there and just

thinking about that makes my fucking heart beat and my fingers throb for a few reasons there's a few reasons there it reminds me of what i felt like when i realized i was gonna be able to do comedy for real that was a fucked up feeling to have you had it early on and doing comedy no no no no no when i was when i fucking got looking at you sneezed just me telling you that right now my eyeball i just lost 10 fucking pounds on my soul really listen man you have no idea what it is to do something fall in love with it have a certain feeling about it

and no this is what you want to do and you got to figure out a way to do it and one day you walk in the door and somebody fucking tells you here you go you want to do comedy here it is like for a month i was in shock yeah i was in shock i was getting separated yeah i was in shock i was seeing my daughter but i was in shock that the answer i was looking for was laying out in front of me like i was in fucking shock lay like i kept thinking how am i gonna do stand up and make this work well now i lost my job with them you know i was off probation i could leave the state i had a nice call i had a little savings if this if i was gonna do stand up this is the time to do it you know what we're gonna sell the

condo anyway i got myself a little apartment in south bolder no part of you thought let me get an apartment and i'll get a job and maybe this comedy thing isn't for me i wanted to give it an old fucking Yankee try if that's the expression it should be i wanted to just try it for a while just to see i didn't want to go overboard i wasn't thinking about nothing big nothing nothing like that i didn't start thinking about craziness till about nine months in about nine months to 10 months cinnamon started started thinking craziness what does that mean what is craziness craziness means that you know what i don't know what these fucking old badded comics are talking about kind of what i look like right now when i'm telling you like i would i would i was fucking uh at this point i'm

maybe 29 maybe turning 30 i'm about 29 by this point and i had been i had been the house emcee at the broker for a year so once a month i would get a different comic and there were great comics duck stanhope was one i mentioned this before i mean there were too many to remember some of them still do comedy some people comedy writers now some people have moved on you know it's pretty interesting the people i opened up for and it was always a two show you know two comics it was a feature and a headline and the features were usually from anywhere from origan to seattle to northern california they could be from chicago it was fucking crazy so you meant two new comics every week every every once uh yeah every tuesday what am i saying once a month every tuesday no no no no

hold on yeah every tuesday every tuesday i'm in a different comic for a year and a half that that's your college course but by about the seventh or eighth month i had already made decisions i was like you know what these guys they don't know what they're doing oh yeah i had already made a decision like i started in july of 91 and by december of 92 i had a solution to all my problems hit me with it you want me to drop it on you i would love it all right my solution was to move to new york city what's a good start and do comedy in mad henton and that j leno would walk into the club one day and i would be on stage doing stand-up and he would talk me off the stage and tell me to be on the tonight's show a week later how many times a day did you fantasize

about this happening 200 times a day and it could have been him or latter men or uh what's the guy who just died a little jewish guy mickey rickles what's in there all right for you mickey rickles oh my god i call the mickey that earthquake weed is good no i thought oh yeah that's great weak that's a loose new york city that's the real deal all you guys are going out of the jungle to see jesus you're wasting playing for it come over here smoke this death when uncle joey don't get beat up on united oh my god no no no i did not know i had no fucking ideally look at the shape of you look at the shape of me oh man another thing that i was thinking about tomorrow i called my friend today i have

like three friends tomorrow that's their birthday you know anybody tomorrow i'm 25th their birthday i check face but but i don't think it's no please i don't know if you just pray if you don't know the most atop your fucking head that you don't know anyone i know my mom's birthday my dad's birthday your birthday i know three people that have birthdays so i'm sorry just uh just the why is tomorrow a hard day for you about thinking about why what it was like when you're 28 i don't know you i was telling you that this sometimes i just go home and think of what i'm like when you're raising right i don't think i was any hungrier than you are or i think i wasn't as confused as you are i wasn't starting new business every week and

get business cards you should clean business cards if you give it away just no no no i had them on the sheet and it was just me and him so i gave away away one card yeah i feel very i feel i feel it's interesting uh my tenure high school were unions right after thanksgiving and i feel more unsure and confused now than i did when i was 18 going to college what are you afraid of you gonna go back and your friends are doctors no i can't i'm not going back and i just can i'm gonna go back i'm not going back for thanksgiving listen that's the worst i'm gonna fly i'll tell you what i'll do let's get you a nice suit let's get you like a fucking gold chain with a yarmulke star like one of those jewish stars can i get the the yarmulke that you've always talked about with the

blood diamond no no yarmulke's you're gonna go up there looking good nice and bald and cute you're gonna give yourself a little fucking gold you're gonna lose 40 pounds you're gonna go see the mexican doctor i'm gonna shoot you with a couple fucking mexican illegal drugs you walking there looking like fucking main street charlie fucking yoke to the gills and you go to your high school reunion 10 years and you lie to people what do you give a fuck they're gonna be lying to you they all just got out of jail they all just fucking lie about i mean most of them i mean most of them stayed in massachusetts it's fine they're doing great mother richard how many of those people have you kept in touch with

one since how many people when you graduate in class did three or four hundred anything yeah you were regular fucking jump bug don't enjoy watching it yeah no i don't know i don't people don't i don't know people don't like me who knows no people don't like me you're a nice guy in bus anymore no but uh if i went i'm sure i have fun but it's just it's just a weird feeling i felt so so sure at 18 and at 28 now i'm it's not that i'm unsure it's just what are you unsure about at least i am it's it's not even unsure isn't isn't the right word for it i have so there's so many opportunities right now it's that's what i'm like i'm not good at the cheesecake factory because there's 8 000 pages and everything looks good and i can't make a decision so what do you

want to do i i love podcasts it's definitely gonna be in podcast it's just uh and it's not even it's not even like what i want to do it's like it's like it's as you as you talked about hopefully at some point someone's starting something so if it's for uh tv shows that could be it just has so many different ways podcast could be used it's uh it's a little overwhelming sometimes well let me tell you something i'm 54 year old i'm still fucking confused yeah so that doesn't make me feel any better it never goes away because if you have any kind of heartbeat as fast as fast as technology is moving and all the things that are happening is as fast you have to if you're a ceo of any company of any company you have to always look at these things how fast

this is moving if there's a right of strike where are you running right it's on 96 today 96 percent wherever you would be putting your ads you know these are all things that uh right now with all the technology you don't know what's gonna happen and that's and that's the scariest part because even with youtube people are getting really mad at youtube right now because they've changed their whole ad structure and there's like there's been so many podcast networks that have come and gone in LA since we've started and you have to think that when they're in their first meetings and they're setting up and they have the talent they all were just as or more motivated and excited than as i am so but it's it's when you see so many people failing it's it's

daunting i'll tell you what man it was very appealing starting a network right there was a while there when we spoke about it and it was very appealing but i knew one thing i knew that i'm not the most affluent person in the world i know that i'm not the most charming person in the world i know there's a certain taste and you know what if i'm gonna focus on something let me focus on what's in front of me which is the podcast i always wanted to be consistent and i always didn't have to worry about anything the last thing i need to do is show up here on monday and wednesday and the camera's broken and there's spaghetti on the fucking table and there's a rat in the fucking garbage and i see a condom in there i don't want to share a studio with anybody

right now they don't want to do anything that was part of the freedom that i wanted you know what these times i sit here that maybe i should belong to a podcast network and why don't i and whatever you know what man i got thrown out of the Boy Scouts and i learned my fucking lesson i could lie to you and tell you i was in the street gang i was never in a fucking street gang you know when i i knew kids who i got on 148th street that said i i did never nothing organized like that except play basketball and some football i didn't know anything ever before like that and i don't want to know it right i didn't want to be a part of something like that i'd rather enjoy what we're doing right now oh yeah that's the thing i'm not itching to get out it's just you and i talk

about it a lot that's what we talk about we after the thing and just the uh because maybe what you're saying is i should be looking at the people like the the all things comedy and the and the podcast ones and the people who have succeeded and instead of focusing on the ones who failed well the ones that succeeded did it i'll tell you why primarily because somewhere under that experience there's somebody who a lot of those guys try to switch from radio to podcasting right i tell you it's two different forms it's two different formats and people are ready for a change you understand when trying to go with this right and and so a lot of people will left like dinosaurs there's limited amount of radio and these markets where i go to it's not like where i could go into a town and do

radio for three days how many how many like out of 10 do you do radio now out of 10 city yeah usually i usually do a radio in every city okay but it's one morning it's uh 8 30 a.m and 9 45 and we're done for the day it used to be 8 30 9 45 11 50 230 and maybe a 340 call it wow that's a lot those days are done anymore unless you're rosy or donald or somebody like that you know they put out a press release and they call back for them you know but to answer your question let me tell you something i don't think there comes an age when you're not confused and unsure even a little bit even as you're depositing the check in the fucking bank that's that's all i'm working towards out all yeah i don't know in my head all i want do you want a structured life i mean what is it that

you know no because i don't necessarily need a structured life i would like i would like to be able to have well my goals used to be all money related so that's right that's where my mind first went right now but in reality the past few years i've had a very i've lived three miles from the the studio i do i do a few podcasts a week but i have a lot more freedom with my day than i had when i was at an office listen to me forget all that nonsense okay the beauty about this podcast was the beauty about this podcast and how i knew this podcast was gonna work was how anything works in this life you have to love it for free right yeah if you can't get up and do something for free do not fucking do it i'm talking about if i call you up you know why remember

you know those movies i did with the dog all those movies those companies that did those movies were a little bucklush if you know what i mean and the second movie i did with them there were certain people who were not getting married as a matter of fact the guys who were you know picking up cameras and moving them and polishing and setting them up and setting the cameras and putting the color in the room and all that there was a lot of those dudes that were not getting paid they were doing this for five weeks for free just to get experience yeah yeah somebody put them together to do this in many ways i agree with the concept but in many ways i didn't you want to not pay him i could see that paying for three weeks but pay him anything after fucking six

hours you know what i'm saying they were working these motherfucking 12 hours they you're willing to do that when you first come out when you come out here it's but it's i'm sure i'm sure you now you're a little bit jaded and now it's oh no i'm not jaded i just understand the concept now i've worked on big film remember okay let's get something straight besides grudge match the last big film i worked on was somewhere after the longest yard i'm talking about where people open up the door for you i'm talking about where you go to wardrobe three weeks before i'm talking about where they take you shopping if i analyze that i met them at wardrobe and they took me to like fucking

in midtown Manhattan the men's big and small the shirt was two g's the shirt alone was two fucking g's did i try to collect two thousand dollar shirt just for the shirt the leather jacket had to be jesus god knows how much it was that soft leather that looked like paper thin and weighed nothing that jacket was i forget what the fuck that was they took me shopping next thing you know know whatever happens happens and i'm doing these hundred dollar a day movies where you bring your own fucking clothes so i've done all the movies at every level now if you look at my mdb there's some big movies but there's also a lot of small movies you know for a while there i wanted to get good that i was doing so i'd work with you you know i'm saying work with you a little bit

who gives a fuck if you fuck up on scared tactics you can't fuck up it's improvised now and it's fun it's funny you're talking about this i actually wrote this down what's a when do you when did he stop taking those roles like the roles that with a hundred dollar a day movies the those the tv shows maybe you after i did 25 of them and i came to a conclusion you know the girl that did the movie with clays with us a boxer girl yes okay you know that movie i don't think if it's that movie i think it's the movie that clays would see her saw her in to put her in that movie was a hundred dollar a day movie when you when they book you in those movies the hell we saw you the concept that they haven't out and you're gonna be seen

and there was a lot of those films i did that on paper looked great till i got to the set and i was like oh shit there's a few movies i did i think are great but nobody ever seen why the company dropped the ball you'll see it 10 years from now late night at three in the morning on some fucked up channel as part of their fucking thing there's something i did in 2000 that still runs on there used to be a gay channel logo logo it ran on there once or twice a fucking month i'm like i'll tell you the name but i want people to know and shit because the the director of it and the producer the writer were gay so they wrote this script so they sold it to different so you never know what you're doing but a lot of things the reason to answer your question

the reason why i stopped doing a hundred dollar day movies because they were getting me nowhere that's the honest to god bottom line but i don't want somebody else to get that mindset i also did 20 of them can i go on my mdb with you right now and count them out for you i guarantee it's a lot closer to 20 than not to six basket the six dog movies i did were all hundred dollar day movies where dean came those are all hundred dollar day movies wow okay i could name if i look at my mdb there was a time of redemption all those movies one hundred dollars a day you bring your own wardrobe you better bring water just in case you know there's no there's no guy with wardrobe bringing your wardrobe to your room when you do a movie for cbs when you get there the

wardrobes in your room and shit you know you're gonna make up they tune you up no no no no no in this these fucking movies it's a chick standing there and she'll come next to you and touch you up a little bit and that's it motherfucker what's two different worlds what's the comedy equivalent to a hundred dollar day movie like a b club or featuring or like when did you stop doing that when i elevated myself remember i elevated myself to headline in 2005 officially before that i co-headlined i featured if i had to the make ends meet but i was starting to headline now when i navigated my way into headliner was i a headliner no i navigated my way into a headliner how i planned i would by doing movies and tv the longest yard was my launchpad after

that i booked myself as a headliner period all those clubs i featured for i called them with a different fucking attitude now even though the hand scene you're doing now or you were just like i did this movie i've been at your club four times already i've blown your headliner out let's lift the rock join what are you talking about yeah come on they would hit me with a number that was so lowly with no plane ticket and i would bump them a little bit and get a plane ticket out of me and then you know what let's pretend 300 people paid just because of the longest yard that's more than a lot of people believe it or not yeah you have 52 weeks and then are those sort of clubs like are there be i'm sure there are a couple clubs i did really well one time

dallas impromptu houston laugh stop it was somewhere else that even in 2005 i was starting to build a little bit of an audience new jersey new york no but then you drift away you you get away from that i started doing movies i got a girlfriend the one club closed down the other club lost its management the management i was used to you know things happen things evolve so now you evolve from one club to another it's usually not because of my loyalty if you take care of me back then i'm still with you i was with people towards the end so i'm one of those guys but today clubs open up a new one opens some of the old time has moved on you know so you can't really be as loyal to the clubs anymore no i'm still loyal you know i love

certain clubs there's certain clubs even today i wouldn't dream of going anywhere else even what the agents tell me i can name like six of them off the back that i wouldn't leave i love i don't want to do a theater i'd rather just stay there you know but just how i hypnotize myself to think about being 28 just to see what your head is at no disrespect to you just to see jesus christ what was i thinking at 28 like i was already married i wasn't really thinking about banging her anymore we already had the kid it was brutal and i'm working 40 hours a week and once i got on stage i really wanted to do it but before i was thinking about that today's one of my i tell you i thought i have three friends on the birthdays tomorrow so one of them i sent the card

to the other one me and her and i couldn't see cum sa that much anymore so i'll wait till i feel tomorrow and see if i just send her a message on facebook and then the one is a close close friend of mine that i love dearly so i made a point to call her today you know just to get it out of the way before tomorrow and she called back around dinner time i went outside and i what's up and and we just spoke for a few minutes i was like happy birthdays when i get you today because i know you're probably she was you were right i'm gonna do this thing and the reception's bad not that me and my husband so at one point she's like jesus christ we're getting old joey you know she calls me coco still no i was like i know i know i know you know she goes i went to my cousin's

wedding blah blah blah my dad 10 years ago was doing something and now he can't do it no more because it was me you know just we're just talking generalities and she goes i gotta tell you something you know you always call me on my birthday and i was like i i remember the day that's easy and she goes why because you love me i go that but it's the day i left new jersey the first time and she just was like oh my god i still remember that night like yeah we were friends we were tight friends even back then she hung out at that bar that i used to hang out it and i used to borrow money from the fucking loan shark there so you're gonna go on the white party that night no i had never told anybody i was going away

so why did she remember that night because i told her wait two nights before so you guys were really close okay we were close but as that time came we were starting to get closer we hung on the same click and we liked chinese food and we were going to white cast on night and we giggled and she had a boyfriend and i had whatever i had going on but i kind of took an interest in it and we became friends we kept it at that so then two nights before i left it was like a like a tuesday i saw her out and i pulled her out so i was like listen do me a favor don't say nothing to nobody

and she was cool like i'm going to colorado with jimmy burkle you won't worry about her writing you out or people find you no i trust her that much man i trust her that much at that time i knew that even if she said something nobody was gonna take a helicopter to colorado don't get me nobody was taking my plane to colorado when you said the word colorado those people in those days you might as well tell them fucking jupiter it's the same distance in their mind she kept quiet for a long time and she was concerned at first i knew i was leaving for about three months colorado i knew for about a month and today i was just when i hung up with her i was thinking about how i felt you know like jesus what did i feel like two

nights before that i was holding on by dear and we they were coming at me from all directions i had about six fucking people looking for me and they were coming at me from all direction and i was chucking and jiving at the same time that i was chucking and jiving i'm robbing with three hands and i'm just trying to put money away to go on this mission to colorado and we're already set to go and i can't boogie but i wasn't worried about that way i was really worried about what i was gonna do like can you imagine being 19 i know those people have done this before but i really thought about what the fuck i had done at that age it's weird i don't want whenever i listen to these stories i don't picture you as a 19 year old kid because when you when you were

saying earlier that by my age you were married and i was like jesus christ he he went to colorado that early you're you're such a good storyteller just imagine it as you now to think of it as a 19 year old kid doing that stuff is 19 compared to me at 19 in college is very different i was sitting there going what the fuck am i gonna do with my goddamn life you know my buddy had just lost money in the super bowl i was working for fucking peanuts you know who the fuck was i kidding i was at that bar three nights a week acting like tony fucking bananas snort a half gram of coke that's 40 a pop that's 120 when you're 19 a week that's 480 that's not even including the fucking alcohol that's not including the meals out with your fucking retarded friends which i enjoyed

every single one of those times but i was saying that's where my head was at at 19 was i gonna get a job listen i was one of those dudes that wanted a job but i didn't want a job i wanted a job that i didn't have to show up to and i was gonna hold out though somebody gave it to me and my perverted fucking disgusting mind that's only the perfect job and eventually i had to go to work and i did go to work for a while i really did work for a while but i needed cash to go to colorado like i needed a cushion because i could shovel snow i'll get a job as a garbage man in those days because all my friends had ends at those places but it was the end of april how much snow was there gonna be probably not much not much i was trying to get a job so never ever once i

thought about the fucking no snow i was like i'm gonna need some money for a few fucking weeks so i wanted to rob as much as i could now i wasn't robbing i was trying to get that one drug deal that's all i fucking wanted and he's left and i was bummed and then he broke down and he came back nope no part of you thought of getting just a regular job or i thought about it a thousand times but deep down inside i was too far behind on the money i owed i was too far behind on where i stood with people who cared for me and people who loved me i was just too far fucking behind man and guess what i wasn't going nowhere i wasn't i was trying to go into vocational school first i was gonna be a plumber then i switched it to masonry then i quit after five weeks because

the guy fired me from the masonry job so for you to be in the masonry program you had to be at every job in the masonry job then i got a job in a brick place so i got put back into the masonry job then i got fired from the brick place they wanted me to hold bricks and 20 below fucking weather you know a hooded sweatshirt no heater in the warehouse so i was just i was looking for a job but not really i wanted a job that i could go there and have pork chops and somebody give me a line of blow that's what i fucking that's jesus christ that's how we thought that was in 19 if you really want to know so that's what i thought i thought i was gonna get a job bartending or i could be the life of the party and pour drinks and make two

300 a night and do that three four nights a day and snore coke and wear like a vest and try to be fucking cool with the ladies but that doesn't end up paying back for your uncle joey that plane really does no every job i got they made me work like i don't have days like i had a good job as a bartender but i didn't it wasn't the bartending i necessarily wanted to do i wanted to do small pub type bartending where you know everybody and shit like that but it didn't really matterly you know i think about when i talk to people who have given up things in their hometown to come out here or just to leave and i remembered how how hard it was how hard it was for me because i the hardest thing i was gonna like

i knew i wasn't gonna miss my friends and i knew i wasn't gonna miss this environment it had been all i ever known new jersey and new york city that whole area is all i ever knew you know and that's all i ever knew but i i was ready to get out i was so excited to leave part of me wanted to get out and part of me fucking didn't but i remember the fear i went through in that car driving from yeah new jersey to colorado the fucking fear of wanting to get there because i wanted to see what this was all about it was fucking brutal like that's how you know and i even wrote about today when i went over to the court that's what i wrote about today that's what was that happening all fucked up today was that fear of the unknown

just a chance i took but once i took that one chance it was all over after that because i can knew i knew i could do it now i lived on my own for fucking 10 months in colorado i paid rent every month i bought my own groceries i used to buy a head of lettuce and oscar myas alami and chop it up with italian dress and what that's just good to go papa you still look oh we were talking about sloppy joes in the green room i haven't had a sloppy joe in probably 10 years that's because you're fucking but tell them what you did have tell me uncle joey hooked you up with the santa barbara oh my goodness okay so we went to toma it's a italian place right on the beach right near the pier and and not the pier but like the uh

wherever the boats go the marina and uh it was great we called up because we we thought you had to get a reservation and the guy saved two spots at the bar for us he had two he had two places already set for my dad and i when we got there and uh i i didn't even look at the menu i just got the lasagna and my dad got the cappellini i think it was i have a picture of it it's the biggest term i think i've ever seen and the lasagna i ate every single bite of it and it went back to your room when you fell asleep like the savage that you are but you probably ate some chips when you went home you had a good time with the chips this weekend yeah i can't do you're something you want you're fucking well you're eating 2000 milligram so yeah if you're

fucking thinking about leaving where you live man it's fucking hard just do it sometimes you got to do it but you know what you can always come back and look like the other 10 dudes who failed who gives up but at least you're fucking went at least you went for it that's what they do they put you up against the wall like this guy left through and he thought he this guy had the answer too but he came back and look at this guy he had all the answers he was making millions sure he was why the fuck is he back here on the bar right working off the tab you know that's what i dreaded and when i went back in 84 i didn't go back like that i went back because i missed that fucking lifestyle i didn't go back because i failed i always knew i was going back to colorado

i just wanted to know when i wanted to see what i could get out of my stepdad but at the end it was all a waste of time right i should have stayed in colorado could have probably been a different person today you think so you never know what was going on i'm lying to you because one of the reasons why i went back to nut burgan was because they had put something together i had done an aspen a burglary and i knew it in a day they were gonna nail me and if they nailed me for that burglary they were gonna nail me for ten other fucking burglars maybe i don't know give or take because they were drug dealers so i don't know if they reported it but i was such a klepto in those days god knows what i took god knows what i fucking took

fuck the crazy it's all crazy then it's crazy how your life changed well i don't listen i could take these things and sweep them under a fucking carpet or i can tell you them and you can feel better and they ain't all fucking roses and they ain't all fucking uh you gotta work for everything i did triple runs i i moved to seattle i i i sweated out two years up there you know this was real this was fucking real i don't mind putting in the work it's just i in my head by the time i'm 54 i i i i want to have some time where it's a little bit more relaxed well a little bit about that when you get to right yeah i'm not that worried about right now worry about when you're 28 that's the other thing whatever you think ahead of time

all that thinking i did was a waste of time because i never thought about the podcast i never even saw it coming here we are five years later so don't think about nothing because you never know what life's got down the corner as long as you stay positive and you want to try new fucking things you never know the you never fucking know you understand me now i'm talking about working hard you need to fucking rest night after night two people laying the same bed like two mooks but when it comes time to buy a new mattress only one gets their way until now introducing helix sleep where you can buy mattress online customized for both here for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands go to helix sleep dot com answer a few simple

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why everyone from gq magazine the forums are all talking about helix sleep do me a favor just to help you out just to make you more relaxed just to make you because if you sleep better you'll be more proficient out there in the field go to helix like go to helix sleep dot com slash joey helix sleep dot com slash joey and get $50 off your order that's helix sleep dot com slash joey again helix sleep dot com slash joey and get $50 off your order what are you giggling about me i'm not trying to i'm just giggling i'm enjoying it okay you're enjoying it all right that's what i need for you to have enjoyment over here while i'm trying to read and struggle here i'm looking at lee and lee's looking sharp today he's got a blue sweater on his beard is tight

he's got a few spots on his head but when doesn't he have some fucking helmet it's either spot this head or the fuck the eyebrow or the fucking ingrown toenail on the eyeball it's always something with this poor guy anyway but what lee is sporting with all new fairness is a beautiful mv mt watch pronounced movement it's a beautiful watch i had one too mine slipped i'm waiting for a code to get a new one but between you and i if they don't send me a code i'm gonna buy one anyway because it was that much of a night it was that nice of a watch i usually wore it under my sweater when i'm on stage it's stylish it fits it looks really good and you know what the most important thing it doesn't cost normally that's the most important thing this company was started by

two broke college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches but couldn't afford them so they started their own watch company they started this with social media videos they launched into podcasts youtube radio you name it these savages did it movement watches they started 95 hours at an apartment store you're looking at 400 to 500 for the same watch movement figured out that by selling online they were able to cut out the middleman and the retail market providing the best possible price for you listen to this they got classic design quality construction and style minimalism they've sold over a million watches worldwide in 160 countries listen to what we're gonna do for you you know i love you to death i want you to look good for the fourth of july

you don't have a jacket on you want to look sharp you don't want to look like a mook people ask you what time is you can talk to them you know how it is you want to mingle you have to have a nice watch what i'm gonna do for you is get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns something man you don't like the black watch you want it in gray there you go but do me a favor go to empty mvmtwatches.com slash church again going to mvmtwatches.com slash church you're gonna love this watch and you're gonna save four to five hundred dollars look at Lee's watch this watch has a really clean design and i'll tell you what every time i see Lee out people always say how nice the watch is again go to mvmtwatches.com slash church join the movement you savages i want to

thank helix i want to thank mvmt i want to thank my brother lee syat and i want to thank hon and i want to thank you savages for always being there for us tonight we decided just to go old school chit chat see what's on each other's mind be very uh jennon sequo if i like to say don't forget thursday night the tumblr brewing and then sadly i think the last the the fucking nice house already sold out so that's how fast we're doing that beside that i'll see you savages wednesday night get ready to rock that's all i'm telling you get ready to rock wednesday night eight o'clock have a great night thank you for listening to the church of what's happened now thank you for the love you know we love you too

so do I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, I'm not sure if you can hear me, my totally IB I'm not sure if you can hear me, my totally IB Oh, 24 hours Baby, sometimes I seem to be sleeping today One minute seems like a long day

Oh, baby, I feel this way Sitting, looking at the clock Time moves so slow I've been watching for the hands to move Until I'm just getting no more I've been looking for hours Baby, sometimes I seem to be sleeping today One minute seems like a long day

Oh, baby, I feel this way Baby, sometimes I seem to be sleeping today One minute seems like a long day Oh, baby, I feel this way Baby, sometimes I seem to be sleeping today One minute seems like a long day Oh, baby, I feel this way Baby, sometimes I seem to be sleeping today

One minute seems like a long day To sing a song for you I recall you used to say Oh, baby, this one's for we do Which in that it is for you anyway I've been 24 hours Baby, sometimes I seem to be sleeping today One minute seems like a long day

Oh, baby, I feel this way There was a time that I slipped on In the eyes of others But my own choice I left you for me And now I can't get back again I've got 24 hours Oh, baby, sometimes I seem to be sleeping today One minute seems like a long day

One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day