Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #479 - Matt Fulchiron

Episode Date: May 9, 2017

Matt Fulchiron, Comedian, and Host of the "Full Charge Power Hour" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.    This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron - Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order.   Stamps.com - Never go to the post office again with stamps.com and use code: JOEY for a 4 week trial.   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/08/2017.
  

The Jewish or whatever. Well, the beauty of it is if you read Donnie Brasco The first crime family he busted was the Chicago crime family and Their counterpart was the Milwaukee crime family and the big business was Slot machines cigarette machines all those type of machines Donnie Brasco took them down. They just didn't talk about in the movie, right? So the first time I went to Milwaukee people like nah, bro Don't go over there and he go around the corner to Italianville and there was his place in 1998 they had meatball heroes for two dollars. It was a mafia joint to the hill

It smelled like cheese and three little fat guys back there taking book But man, they just made meatballs all day and put them on bread with little mozzarella. I'm starting to get hungry Oh my god. Yeah, we'll order some fucking meatball heroes in an hour from You always say we're gonna get meatball heroes, but we never get meatball. We never get nothing He's talking about in Milwaukee start the goddamn show. You don't get no meatball heroes You didn't go back to the gym. Should I went to the gym then 28 years old fucking around No, no, I read the ads. Oh, I'm sorry You said I do it. You said get it started. I'm sorry. Let's do this. We ready. Yeah, we're going. Oh, we've been going

When you let me ball thing we've been going what the fuck is wrong with you? You tell me the podcast is started the podcast is started You're trying to tell me well guess what it's Monday, May 8th and church of what's happening now is in the motherfucking house For starters, we want to give a shout out. What is me on these? Oh, just sorry. Seriously soft feel good underwears Delivered right to your door. So go ahead revamp your underwear draw. You deserve it again This podcast is brought to you by me on these calm right now. Go to me on these calm slash Joey me on these calm slash Joey and Get 20% off your first pair number two one of the best

Food companies out there blue apron number one with fresh ingredients and recipe delivery service in the country They deliver fresh seasonal food right to your door and you could cook it in 30 minutes or less Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free And free shipping by going to a blue apron comm slash Joey again Blue apron comm slash Joey and I want to welcome a company to the church That is one of the best companies out there because you don't have to leave the house And I'm talking about stamps calm these days you can get practically everything on demand like our podcast Listen whenever you want and when it's convenient to you

Why go to the post office to stand that line and get breathed on by a bunch of people forget that go to stamps calm Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Joey That stamps calm enter Joey and I'm gonna give you a four-week trial includes postage and a digital scale That's how I'm rolling on the church of what's happening now. Yeah kick that mule Lee. Oh Shit when it couldn't get any better Upstairs at Eric's Fucking Yaz This is quailude music right here

You put the glue they put the music on you eat the quailude You gave the girl the gorilla biscuit by the end of the song you both naked and she's telling you she's got a boyfriend Here we go Monday, May 8th The church of what's happening now Here we get what would you say? What's happening you beautiful motherfuckers welcome to podcastville Uncle Joey here the church of what's happening now my main man in studio Matt full charge full Tron. What's up?

And my little brother who is fucked up tonight on some of the best weed I've gotten all year my main man mr Lisa yeah, I don't even know where you get bottles with no label. I think that's a no Oh, I get the call of what they hang up on me. Give me an address. I show up I give him an envelope they give me an envelope. I don't ask questions. That's the beauty by Joey Diaz Why ask questions? I don't care who raised I don't care what you put in it As long as I see the devil for ten minutes. I'm good. I care if I care What the fuck are you going? We're here. Let's go here for the night, man

You're sitting behind you're sitting behind fucking Led Zeppelin to has Sabbath bloody Sabbath. What a fuck are you going? Nowhere, I guess. Thank you for watching and supporting me on superior donuts. Congratulations man. It was this fucking spoon deal Genius I'm proud of a friend of a friend of a friend. That's what happens when you live here for 20 years every once in a while One day you do something you don't really want to do it doesn't pay you a lot of money But you committed to it and you do it and something good comes to you one day Absolutely while somebody calls you with a job, and you're like really man Thank you and people call you with jobs all the time But some jobs are bigger sometimes people call you want you to work three days on a YouTube project for three days for free

You know I'm saying yeah, so you take those and you take everything that comes at you and eventually Somebody calls you with a fucking job that you go Jesus Christ. There's a fucking job. Yeah It's mine the I still had audition, but it was mine to lose right you know I'm saying Yeah, no, I know you have an agent But are there like are there like acting gigs online like how you apply to jobs online? Can you just submit yourself? 17 years ago when actors access around there, I would pay the $69 a year I'd and I'd have my wife scan my head shots three or four head shots And I'd sit there every night and look through jobs, and I'll tell you what I booked on there. You ready ready

Cold case first step at first year all right welcome cold case. Yeah, and I booked a guest star off show fax I booked law and order SVU damn from show fax. I booked a movie which I got fired from In Jamaica on show fax So I used to hustle on show fax when you get fired in Jamaica. It's a tough to get the plane ticket back Are you know the place around trip ticket? Oh, okay? It was a round-trip ticket. It was one of those fucking they paid for it with miles So you're the last one to get on the plane. Yeah You're the last one to get your luggage and your fucking luggage is wet like it was one of those fucking deals

Right, I don't land in Miami and wait for ten hours For a connecting flight, you know, it was one of those deal right so I got myself out of it real quick But uh, I ended up suing them. Yeah, fuck yeah, and I settled it out of court It's because I did the paperwork and the screen actors Gil who's supposed to represent you Suit him for the money. They owed me which was two weeks of work. It wasn't a lot of money Right the point. I did the movie the movie wasn't going to be a disaster I knew this going in but it was I would get paid before Christmas. Yeah, and my wife would get a It was way before I was married. She'd get a present and we'd get a few lobster tails worth it at the house, you know

So it meant the world to me to get the job when I got fired. I still put it together But I tried to sue him. Let's I think it was two weeks to 1200 a week So I sued him for 2400 bucks. Yeah All right, I'm waiting for my 2400. I'm waiting for small 24 for a year Finally, I bump into somebody and I tell him the story a sag rep And they tell me to call him on monday and I call him he looks into it. He goes, you know what I haven't paid you Because sag billed him for $10,000 Oh sag Ted said I want 400 dollar charge for this

2000 for firing him because it was his fault. So he was getting sued by sag Okay, I had a clear case. I had a strong case across the board So I called the guy Like again two weeks before christmas And I go he goes they won't let me release the movie and they won't give me back my bond unless I settle with you I'm not here to rob you. Just give me what you owe me. I gave my bank account He told me to be there in the morning. He put it in. I dropped the claim Nice

And that was it only took a year the movie never got released Not even on youtube never saw the light of day, which I knew club paradise too. Yeah, it was just a fucking disaster What's happening in your world beautiful Me i'm going on the road with you this week. This is going on with me You were on the road for like nine fucking months Uh, no, it was two months. You switch with arry arry moves back. Then you know this house taking showers I switched. You like two fucking cats. I switched with arisha fear last year, which is coolest. Shit. That was great Coolest shit. He's such a great guy. I'm happy to have him back. He sounds good

And you know, oh, yeah, so when did he get back in touch with everybody like what's going on with that? you know He called me. Yeah, he's my brother and he called me and he goes listen. This was going on. He told me like a man mid december I had heard rumblings about it. Yeah, but I thought it was bullshit I had heard rumblings about it because we shared the same agent. So it was bullshit. I just called bullshit I ain't gonna go you know, and then he called me and he goes i'm going I need to See the world. I need to experience stuff and write jokes and Listen, if I was single I'd disappear out of here right weeks

I'd take a league and go to miami for five fucking days and interview people and Yeah, you told me about that nyak and it made me feel like Like I wanted to do that. Like I just felt great that like even he got to go to and do it Like it was just such an escape. I was like because I was so exhausted from the road I was like, oh, somebody's getting out of it for a little bit. Like it's cool. That's not good to me I have this fantasy ever since we got lift as a Sponsor I have this fantasy of just like lifting and driving across america Well, just from city to city as a driver

I've done that Joe's done that and just seeing the city you seeing like working in a city and like getting to live there for a couple weeks Like I don't I don't know if you could like financially like afford hotels every night Maybe you'd have to find like someone else crash with but Sounds like that's just like it's not like a An aspiration of mine. It's just like a fantasy I have sometimes Well, you guys you guys don't have anything like that like anything. Well, we've done it so much Kind of you want me to tell you something man?

I I love doing comedy And if I had to get the top three things I like about doing comedy one was the journey The other one was the people. Do you want me to tell you what the other one was? What's that? I know every nook and can't cranny in this fucking country. You got homes away from home. Oh, I've been there Me too. I remember a lot of things right, but I've been to every nook and cranny Remember when you start comedy you work at hell holes. Yeah, so I started in Denver. So I would fucking go to these towns that you never even heard of. Yeah, like population 2000

I knew people who booked rooms in all those type of towns. Yeah, and you drive in and see if they had a gas station A laundry man and a supermarket and a post office and the police department was like two doors, you know, like And you go how these people live. It's a different way of life We were talking about triple runs the other day Which is a run that you do when you first start right and they really show you the discipline of the road And how it works and blah blah blah and getting up early and getting drunk and how to survive on 50 the hollows at night teaches you a lot but

The one thing about triple runs is that He used to have this room in craig, Colorado. He had like eight weeks of work potato run one potato run two. Yeah Missoula run one missoula run two That means he had two clubs in the same city. He was the hustler david triple. You gotta give him to that I'm gonna I'm gonna go on a limb here. I wouldn't be here Right now without david triple because david triple was the fundamentals of comedy I learned it from ducs man. Hope when I heard ducs man. Hope lived on a david triple tour Yeah, I immediately went on a david triple tour. You do it winners are doing right and you learn a lot

You learn how to work yourself out of holes in those rooms You know what it's like to go to Idaho on tuesday night To a room when when you get there they go, oh, it doesn't say anything. You can't curse. There's Mormons in the room Yeah, it's a Mormon bar And you have to switch up your game You gotta switch up your fucking audibles and shit and they're not letting you call it I'm able to do 45 tonight. They want you to do an hour. Yeah, it's it's great guys It's a discipline and then you got to get back to your hotel. So here you are

A star in a city that is fucking small And there's always a waitress that's got drugs or a guy and his girlfriend want to bring you over For you to bang the girl from him to watch. I mean, that's a big thing on triple rock They're the weirdest situations triple runs are filth They're filth because when you go to that city, you're you're fucking movie star to them It's fucking crazy league. Do you think those people go every week? Yeah Yeah, that's that they have nothing else to do on a wednesday night And it's friday night to have a live band and saturday to have a live band

And i'm not putting that lifestyle down by any means it sounds great But it's a complete different lifestyle. Yeah, and yeah I'm not johnny international. I can't sit here with you guys and talk about the vatican And I talk about can't talk to you guys about going to brazil into the jungles iosca, but let me tell you something As a fucking immigrant. I really learned what this country was about by going to all these cities Right, I could tell you more about the economy right now today From me going to these cities I learned that much when I go to charlie and I see construction in utah this week

I counted four or five fucking cranes, right, you know in salt lake city. That's what I look for I look for cranes. Yeah, I look for movement on the streets There's a lot of cities you go to that they're quiet and Every city has a personality and I've got to seeing all those personalities. I'm really happy about that me too Snake river, north dakota I didn't get high for five days on this triple run. Yeah, what kind of high like anything I was just smoking dope. Okay on the road. I was getting shitty weed All throughout fucking northern part of the country. I was getting brown weed

Right, and I finally get the snake river or one of those Dakotas On a Friday night, and I'm hungry and they go you get 50% off at the restaurant downstairs in the hotel And I get to the hotel. I'm about to pass out. I look on the back I'm there's one lonely mexican in the kitchen. That was my only hope I made eye contact with him. He came over we started talking in spanish I asked him where the shit was if he had a cousin who sold coke Yeah, he goes. I got a cousin who sells bombs. You know what I'm saying? I got a cousin Who sells this shit that killed Pablo Escobar. He's Pablo Escobar's nephew

He gave me a handful of blow for like 40 bucks and snake river. You know, you just learned all these crazy things like people I I went to towns where people would go. So what hotel you're staying at and you're like, no, I'm not I'm gonna sleep in my car. Don't be foolish Stay in our living room and you're like what? You don't know who I am. I could rob you in the middle of the night But from that love it makes you a view like wow people are so cool when you wake up and they made your breakfast And they want to drive you to show you where the k-mart is you can buy new t-shirts. Yeah, it's really fucking crazy

It's really fucking crazy. You see the beauty of people. You see the shittiness of people I was a muffler one time i'm standing there and this black guy's running at me I'm eating a fucking mcdonald's egg mc muffin. Yeah, I got the potato pet cake And I got the coca-cola in those days. It's summer of 98. It's winter of 98 This was like my third time in buffalo. I did everything on a bus that okay all my business was done on a bus greyhound I would fly to manhattan Base myself out of jersey and take buses right myrtle beach

dc Philly fucking Buffalo Syracuse. I might have done that before the bus right to florida That's the long one. That's like I never took that one. I think it's close to 20 hours I took a train from miami To myrtle beach, south carolina one of the worst experiences of my life Never took a train again What they bang you on each fucking level

They're like fucking filthy animals. They're more expensive than planes like it's dirty. I'm tracking that. Oh my god They bang you at the station then you get on and you got a chair. What happened to the room every movie you watch Everybody's got a room They're sleeping now that cost the beetles are there the beetles are there and then you go in that costs more money how much more 200 okay, so now i'm up to yeah the ticket was 69 50 you jump it up and down You're like I say because sometimes you you would work as a feature you get 400 bucks. I snorted 200 Yeah, I got 200 for the journey I could take the flight for 189 and fly with a nickel and got a shoplift water at the airport

Yeah, or and I got to get somebody to drive me like a feature act or the mc I got to give him a small nickel or a joint And then I said fucking the train is 69 bucks. I save 100 I get there with a yardstick in my pocket Yeah, I go out I buy a g bubble blow. Oh my god They mugged me I took for the train ride. Fuck yeah, I took no no no I didn't have coke for the train ride I had like two joints and I would get off and smoke the joints and get back on the train fucked up And put my little Walkman on and then these motherfuckers, you know, I'm like I want to eat

And I want to cost 24 dollars. Why don't you cost 24 dollars because you got to buy the whole menu What if I just want a couple fucking noodle soup, right? Because I had like chicken noodle soup with a bunch of crackers that'll feel you good for three dollars For the small three dollars. No, they wanted 24 for the whole fucking meal Because you probably went to like because I've written it they have a first class and then they have like a general boarding Like it's crazy that I've never even sat like that in a restaurant I had like I went to like the food cart that has microwave pizzas and Terrible food

No, no after that fucking train ride that I was getting off getting stoned But the buses of the shit grayhound is really this shit grave Grayhound is like traveling aboard a brood When you get to the bus station, you don't know who you're gonna run into You don't know who you're gonna sit next to You got an idea and if that yeah, it's gotta be somebody who mugs somebody it's gotta be somebody who's on the loose Somebody that needed to pay cash somebody who You know owe somebody money for booking it is leaving town

Women who are leaving their husbands because they got hit in the head with a bat the night before and they got a fucking They got a swami hat on don't put like prisoners out of like who are like getting released from jail on buses Yeah, you have no fucking idea the adventures I've had on buses. I had so many adventures I forgot not and I had listened. You know me. I don't like traffic. Yeah, I would get on the bus from 97 To 2002 Yeah Fuck yeah, I would take a bus jack. I heard a guy on a bus like uh, like he was he was fighting that like capitalism was the best Like former government when clearly it just had not worked out for him

Communism will work better for you dude. Come on No people neglect the buses and it's funny. They have a bus station around the corner here in magnolia And from time to time pass by there And you'll see creepy people. Oh, yeah by the bus station. That means they have no money Some people don't even want to take the bus. They just want to sleep there No, no that bus station. You can't sleep there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no that motherfucker closes at six Oh, okay, there ain't no future in there. There's nothing but darkness and rats over there When I but when the bus drops you off at 11

But if you got money you could walk half a block and go to no whole diner Right, that's why no whole diner is dangerous at night because those bus people over there lurking looking for a dime a quarter There's about me a cup of coffee Remember the one night we were there. We drew cigarettes away and the guy picked them up and smoked them He was a bus creature From over full of fucking crayhounds over there Were you there the night like the homeless kid sat down next to me or I think I might have been on the phone with you Like whenever I'm in that situation, they come over and like want to borrow my phone

He want me to like drop him off at a motel six in van nye somewhere I always get approached for that stuff It's fucking crazy the people that come up. I sat next to two homeless guys on a plane one time This is a true story Like they were mules or something They smelled bad. They were dirty as fuck one guy tried to smoke on the plane like they were insane They're fucking homeless and then a week later. I actually saw the guy walking down sunset boulevard I was like, what's their fucking story, man?

How do they have money to fly from chicago to la when they're clearly fucking homeless? They had no teeth or anything Like what the fuck they were like they were running drugs or something. Well, no, no, no There's a thing here Where they put you on a plane and they put you on a bus ticket. They give you a bus ticket There's something here. There's a program because I heard about on the news Where something if you're homeless, they'll send you back to your Just you have to do some paperwork and I'll give you a bus ticket out maybe in chicago They fly you out for his class. These dudes are clearly homeless, man

I like the one guy was sitting in my seat I'm like you're in my seat and they like I separated the two of them and then one of them's like I wouldn't sit there He's like I just wiped feces all over the fucking chair You got this crazy and tasha Daniel tasha's on the other side of me going Just laughing at me For like the fucking bad luck I had and he you sit by the exit waiting window He goes if I open this up. Do you think we'll all die? I'm like, yes Like I should have told the fucking air marshal. Yeah, why do you there's feces on your chair?

What are you talking about? Did you just look at it off? How long ago was this? This was I don't know like six seven years ago. Maybe fucking eight You know those those there's professional homeless people Yeah, I don't have a scam. So what is the scam? Okay, the old scam 20 the scam I fucking heard about my jaw dropped but I had an idea And then I got locked up and I got locked up in november and boulder Now there was an article in boulder in 19 before I got locked up I read this thing

That four out of five jails Like four out of five inmates surveyed in colorado said that boulder county jail Was the best jail in colorado, okay So when you're homeless and boulder the reason why it was so good when I got arrested in boulder, I couldn't believe it It was like they're seen in good fellows where you're cooking steaks and shit close to Close to it with no gangsters Close to it like it was one of the most enjoyable months of my life looking back at everyone had like red hair Everybody was laid back. There were a couple killers in there that you were in general population, but there were levels

Okay, so like level one you want the better 10 and you had regular channels 247 and fucking fuck uh fox they gave you tv. Yeah, not in your room But you had you could wear your own clothes if your family brought your clothes really You could wear your own clothes. You don't have to wear fucking greens and They gave you cigarettes What they gave you the rolled ones. Uh, what's that called those pouches with the Yeah, roll. Yeah, there's a name for them. They give you those. Yeah They'd feed you they give you dental like the third day in boulder county jail you go to the dentist

He's like you got nine cavities. You're ready to go. I'm like fuck you Fuck you, you know, you're getting fucking a 50 an hour. You just graduated from the academy yourself I'm gonna let you drill in my fucking right. Fuck you. Yeah, and that was bullshit because the day I got arrested The day I kidnapped vela. I went to the dentist that morning I went to the dentist and they gave me laughing gas and so my defense was like Tell them that you took the laughing gas and I didn't do it. I'm stupid because somebody sent me an article after I told the story before But yeah, boulder county jail was voted amongst fucking invicts The best jail in the state. So the scam was that

people would fly to boulder in the In the winter they would bust a boulder or hitchhike to boulder And they would get arrested there. So they would be In jail for the winter Right, I just it was a scam. They knew exactly what to do Yeah, that would keep them because then they go and the guy would can you make bail? No, okay? 180 days

See you So it was fucking crazy It's just for like shoplifting or something. Yeah, so it was they got showers. They got free cigarettes They got cable tv Sounds great and it was if you were nonviolent like me see my crime was on the fence So I could only get up to a certain level but the dude liked me So they put me up to level red or something which in those days was midnight cable tv

Monday night football they got pizza. Wow That's big in the joint I could give you some of that prison right now dog. Let me tell you. No, it was it was a county jail Yeah, it was like a fucking party in that county On monday nights, they had like those frozen tostino pizzas. Yeah, but even you're in county jail That's a fucking party with kool-aid With no sugar in it with light with the sugar watered down like a motherfucker. Yeah for monday night football I was locked up when bo jackson went through fucking

What sport monday night football. Yeah, you're fucked bo jack. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry Bo jackson went through the dude. I did the longest yard with like we were all in there for the raiders Oh, there was the raiders against the cbacker. Yeah, brian bosworth and he fucking ran over him You know, you never seen somebody black dudes jumping up and down in boulder and shit And I was in boulder for a month. Oh, wow, okay So by the first week I was in level red talking shit And you're in there with other guys and they tell you to shut your fucking mouth Okay, because those are the same guys that you go to court and they're like well, you said that you mugged them

And you're like, no, you didn't hold on And that dude you were sitting next to the cell. He's a cop And all these people in they yak and I wouldn't say nothing they people would ask me questions You know, they want to see your paperwork. You see my paperwork, bro. You don't need to see my fucking paperwork It was crazy I was watching about the homeless people. I was watching a lock up on netflix and they had this guy I figured I think it was new jersey had 1,088 arrests And he was just an alcoholic and meth abuser and they said one time the shortest he was out once was four hours

He was detoxing and didn't want to leave so he sat in front of the intake door until they arrested him And he like a thousand arrests. Listen man, some people once they're institutionalized The life becomes too real Life becomes too real I was locked up for a short amount of time And I gotta tell you something that first month outside Yeah, was fucking surreal that it's a weird transition the first transition because I spent a month in county Uh, and everybody around me knew the town boulder is a big town, but it's a small town

The address came out in the papers. My name came out of the papers where I worked So people looked at me different. I tried to go back to the same job and they were like, we don't think so We're not firing you but we think you should take a breather Right, so one of the managers that took a job in long month And he hired me and I was so cracked at that time I could sell 12 to 15 cars just being Me right I went there for a month. I blanked guys. Really I was cracked Huh, I was cracked. I was I was looking at fucking nine years

What do you what do you think if you've done head down like nine years and technology had changed? Like what do you what do you think happens when you do 20 years and you go in and That's in 1990 and come out 2010 and have I didn't want to think of cell phones and that's great I didn't want to think of that like that. That's gotta be You go insane. Yeah You know if somebody showed me google or Some point sign or something and I did 20 fucking years my brain would blow up. Yeah, guess what? You don't have to fucking

Go to the mall no more for pants. What are you talking about? What size are you 32 34? Come on. Let's go on amazon What's amazon? Let me show you right and I belong to amazon. I signed up for the special program I get 24 hour delivery right and next day there's a box at your door when you're closing your toothpaste people couldn't handle I can't I can barely and I've lived through it, you know, that's what the beauty is that that Some technology is a little too too much You know, yeah, and it has destroyed certain things, you know, if you read Keith Richards book He talks a lot about how that nobody makes live albums no more, right They forgot

They technologically so they put so much technology into it that they missed the whole fucking game, right, you know Did you see that article? I think we might have even talked about it before About that restaurant owner who looked at their security camera footage And we're like they were getting a lot of complaints about the food and it used to be great Nothing changed and they found that people were spending like an hour longer because they were Looking on the taking pictures on their phone and the food was getting cold. Yeah, I read that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah It's an it's an old article two or three. They had to get the pictures taken They ought to get the pictures taken in their fancy meal, right? Yeah, it was just slowed the whole shit down

Yeah, and then I don't know if you if you saw but in the new york post this weekend. There was an article about how like The millenials that are like the laziest generation like they don't go out anymore. They don't really drink The whole Netflix thing that you hate is what they do And it was a great it was like they spend less money on alcohol than any and then ever before They don't really binge on it. It's great. It was you know, I was telling somebody Pussy's then is what you're saying. Yeah pretty much, but you know what the millenials like what's that comedy? They sure do and they go out to comedy and they don't drink and they don't stay out and then I drug addicts like we were You understand me and there's nothing wrong with that, right?

That's what they're into, right? Yeah, you know, it's it's last week I went back after the fucking show and I've talked about this a thousand times And it bothers the fuck out of a guy like me I like comedy. I respect comedy comedy gave me my life comedy took me out of a fucking hole, you know and I'm a harrow ramus type of guy like when I saw harrow ramus's work I laughed my fucking ass off last night guys. I was in my room at 10 30 on my couch with ice on my knees My wife was in bed

And I was watching an episode of the honeymooners that I've watched 500 times right And by it started at 10 30 and by 10 45 I had to turn it off because I was Laughing and crying at the same time, right crying about that At one time I would watch this in my mother's house Like I was a kid and I would watch this and I'd pick up the phone and call you right Who had also seen this episode 10 times before and we'd sit there like two fags for a half hour Either saying the lines like I would go okay. I'm notin. Fuck you. You were not in the other night

Fuck because I would know what night Norton shine and you would know what night shine, you know I mean, that's how much of a fucking comedy fag I was at that Like I was hooked on gleason Norton the odd couple and then we had a lineup of debt We had the benny hill show at 10 30. Yeah, we had The honeymooners the odd couple sanford and son and the twilight zone When you're in high school, that's murder. That's murder. It was sunday right there. That's that's off the hook That was murderers row, but as a comedy guy like I didn't know I was gonna be a comedian

You think I fucking knew I wanted to do comedy. I was just a fan of it Like I was enamored with it like if I saw you I would go to just watch sanford and sunday And you go no and I'd break the whole episode down to you the timing the words like I fucking live for that shit Yeah, so last night there's a scene where It opens up with alice and talking to some young girl and the girls is this 14 And the girl's going roller skating and then the guy's gonna pick her up and She doesn't want her father to meet the guy so can the guy pick her up there So the girl leaves raf comes home from a hard day's work and she starts telling raf that

Why don't they go out and dance and go roller skating right raf's like, what are you crazy or something? He starts yelling and screaming. Yeah, and then Norton comes in by the way out. She goes, you know raf you're so icky and he looks and he goes icky And also he's sitting in norton comes in and he looks at norton. He goes norton Alice just call him icky. What does icky mean and norton looks at me goes it must mean fat I busted out right there. Yeah, then there's a fucking scene that Ralph agree he alice makes me feel terrible and ralf agrees to go out dancing with her So he hires norton to teach him how to dance

He puts the whole fucking suit on ralf with the jacket the hat He's a beat, you know, he's saying all those sayings, uh, I'll kiss you late. I'm eating the potato 24 skidoo and all this shit and norton puts this song on the huckle buck He is a dance you should know And fucking norton starts dancing dog and there's a scene where he just hits his hands and starts shaking It's just see if you can find it. Please lisa. Yeah, what should I put in honeymooners? Okay huckle buck There's also a jerky boys praying phone call about the huckle buck where he called one of the writers And like really fucked with him. How good were the jerky boys?

I love the jerky boys. I loved it. I sing along to them like you do the honeymooners I say along with them like the first album. I used to I played it for six months straight really in my car I would I've been too gooey for you. Oh the first time my dog the first one when he tells him about the furniture up his ass He's gonna melt wax on his balls and all this get print where I said That shit killed me that was like 94 95 Somebody sold us a cd in college and the guy goes he goes uh He goes, I feel bad selling this to you. He's like you're gonna be sick of it in two days

And I've been listening for 20 years. All right. Check this out. Check out the motherfucking huckle buck. Look at norton I've never seen the huckle buck Look at his ass This is calmly one-on-one This is a fucking small theater across on Broadway or something across man Irish bar and he would go and drink Look at the fucking record player So you knew who was gonna have the best lines yeah, and you would work it out Watch norton watch them watch them. This is pure class guys

Lee Oh Here we go wait wait wait till you see this move ready to watch him Heat jack that is heat right there Spanish people couldn't do that in 51 This is fucking He's just remember that shit I Listen to the record listen to the music just do what the lurker says on that a record then

Don't you gotta do get in that groove and be gay? There we go, oh shit this is kind of you know, it's gonna pay off as well This is commie 101 dog and look at 300 pounds. Look at him getting a stand to know it's cbs studios in new york city Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck saturday night live. Look, this is saturday night live, right? There was three writers on the show look at morn. Look at them. Here we go. Here we go Look at the timing on this fat fuck. Look at him pure brilliance guy What are you doing?

Brushing up on a little dance, and that's all you wanted me to be a dancer. So I'm just brushing up Well, what is this crazy costume? This isn't a costume. This is what all of us cats wear I got it. I got it. I'm hip ready to go. I'm gone You're gone. All right Is all of this because of what we talked about last night? This is it and I'm taking you off you kill this It's like one of the first shows with like a tough broad, huh? Bro, you know like was there really a tough broad character like her?

She uh, they had a character in mind and she auditioned for it And the agent called and they said she was too good looking for the role So this chick got up at six in the morning and had a photographer come over And he took pictures of her She first got up in the morning smoking a cigarette with no makeup on They gave the pictures to Jackie Gleason

Jackie Gleason those is the girl I want. I think this is the girl that was in the office yesterday. He said she was too pretty So she's she's a bad bitch in her own fucking way, you know I'm saying so here she is standing up against one of the funniest TV actors in fucking history Right. They only shot like 21 of these episodes. I mean they shot like 40 something But these these rare ones from 15 they've re-ran forever too, right? In new york city. Yeah around every night the generations All listen people sit around like this is what you do the cousins come over christmas And you watch that chris. That's what you that you know that them watch the wooden soldiers

That's what you've been doing since she was six right like that's what your holidays are about When you live on the east coast like you last night I was watching this and I'm like How many times have I seen this it's in so many rap songs like the references and it's like uh Didn't eddie murphy have a spoof of it or something like it's so fucking uh, it's it's prevalent when you're seven This was on tv from the time I was like eight And I kept it a secret because I didn't like black and white tv I didn't hate it Just don't yeah, I was against black and white tv the only black and white tv I like was my uh

Dick van dyke. Okay, my favorite martian. I fucking love but I hate the star track. Okay. Do you see what I'm saying? Star Trek was in color star trek was uh the beginning of star trek I dug the twilight zones, but you didn't have the balls to tell people When I would spend my summers with my godmother raul her husband and me would stay up all night Watching the twilight zones and shit. I was like eight the shit we'd stay up and he'd break them down to me and We'd talk about how it affected our lives. It was fucking brilliant. Awesome And then I started opening up my mind to black and white television I ended and by the time I was 10 I was addicted to the honeymooners

I was in catholic school. So I couldn't watch it during the week. It came on 11 o'clock That's what I hate about catholic school that took the honeymooners out of me until and then saturday and sundays They didn't play the fucking right, right? So I would lose my fucking morning. I would come home on saturday and they would talk about it outside valentine ferro and And john zanati and all these kids would be talking about the fucking honeymooners how funny Ralph was and I'd be fucking So when I got out of the catholic school, that's the number one thing I did I got cable tv in my room and watched the honeymooners every night guys Not even thinking of being a comedian. Yeah studying everything he did just loving and going to the basketball court the next day and fucking living the scenes

I remember still freshman year in basketball We would get on the number one bus from north bergen high school to downtown and we do the whole Odd couple beginning ton ton and we do the whole thing and they would drive on the bus The bus driver would pull over and say guys knock it off, please did it go over your head at that age I'm just trying to think of myself at 10 and I think that'd go over my head No, the shows that went over my head in those days were like English shows, I don't know what like mary hartman. I still don't know what they're saying on those shows like those type of shows When I went ahead I liked in those days my favorite shows were like room 222

Which you guys would never remember the courtship of Eddie's father Which was a brilliant show the waltons was a brilliant show and then when I went to catholic school You had a schedule what you watched every every night. There was kind of a pseudo vote But the vote was already in by lunchtime. You took your buddies and said tonight. We're not going to watch fucking happy days We're going to watch wwe And lee would be the fucking factor so we'd give lee like candy. He's a swing vote You know I'm saying oh we go lee we protect you and lee would go fuck that I don't need you guys and then we pay somebody a dollar to kick lee in the stomach

And then we go lee you want to be protected. Yeah, okay, I'll take the yeah Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't last that day in prison or catholic school, I guess It's funny because tonight we were watching the news before we ate dinner And I'm a world news tonight motherfucking do it since since for 20 years. What's that? What is what station is that? ABC, okay, that's my favorite. That's the one that tells you about the world news not fucking locally And the first 10 minutes used to be interesting now It's politics every fucking night the gop and the p.o.s Yeah, I have no idea what the fuck they're talking about so it's killed me right

But they get into tornadoes tonight. They had two female cops got beat up by a dude and then a samaritan came over They got goofy fucking stories. Yeah, I forgot what I was going to tell you. I'm so lying Yeah, I took more than I should have but That feels good. Just the same, you know, what's that? I'm really high on this marijuana right now. Good. Yeah It's been a while. You're with family. No way to go. We'll get delivery later We were uh, we listened to hotel california before this and I really got in the mood For the fucking the laid-back stylings This is california lifestyle. That's such a crazy fucking album

If I thought if I if I told you guys that when I was listening to this album in my mother's living room That I'd be listening to this album 40 years fucking later. I'd tell you you were crazy. Yeah I'd tell you you're crazy like somebody came up to me and they said listen 40 years from now, you're gonna let me listen to this album. I go you're fucking crazy I wouldn't hate this. I'd evolve out of this. This you can't listen to it every day But when you hear the album and it's entirely you know takes me back It's good takes me back to the living room and drinking fucking sodas and jumping up and down like an asshole and being stoned and then About 445 I put cologne on

And I put vizine in my eyes and shit. Yeah, and then my mother would come home and ask me stupid questions What I'd do till I was school. Yeah Yeah And by that point I'd be coming down. I just locked myself in my bedroom too. Yeah She'd say come down for dinner than that be sober Do you guys have any relationship? I'm not like the actual relationship but with Former players because I'm just starting to see players that I grow up with as a kid retire and start being like broadcasters and

And it's it's weird and it's also I like watching them on tv because when I see Like a lot of the ESPN coverage, they're just analysts to me I never saw like mark sliver's play or something like that But if you do see people that you that played when you were a kid and you were like, oh, yeah I like I just like seeing them talk about it because it makes me remember in 1984. I was three quarters retarded I was 21 years old. I was living in the aspirin snowmass village, colorado in the fucking I was housing Okay, maybe a little late. I'm lying to you guys. Maybe 86. All right It was 86. I'm living in boulder, colorado in 24 fucking years old

And one day just came to me. I said well someday charles bronson's gonna die And someday julia server's gonna retire and I'm gonna be fucking cracked Yeah, I'm gonna be fucking cracked because they were over the glue all those years when I was a kid then black sabbath Right, like, you know, I didn't think of musically because you could always listen to the music But these guys are gonna stop making movies. I know there's So I understand what you're saying. No, I understand what you're saying. Lebron James has been in the NBA for 14 years already Yeah, he got drafted in 03 Can you believe that they're already talking about him like I thought I don't have any cable for a while

So I was watching espn and they said like when he rests and then When he needs to he'll turn it on like I'm he's already they're already talking about him like he's winding down I didn't realize this. I mean, how old is lebron james now? Let me chat. It's 30. Yeah, he was 18 when he started so he's probably 32 33 I'm not gonna do that kind of math you look it up You know, I think a lot about you man full truck. I'm doing a lot about you man 2004 2004 yes, I'm around there And I think I met you at the store. Yeah that time you were pushing the white shirt

With the black jacket and I don't even remember what I was wearing But there's definitely blazers involved. Yeah. I was always a fan of comedy And I watched you and one night you went up there. There's maybe 18 people but in your mind It was the garden, right? You know, you just went up there with a smile on your face And I found love of you. There was there was a night. There was like a priest up there fake priest for a while Yeah, you keep talking about that. I remember who that was. That was a character. Somebody did. Yeah, I don't fuck me Right, but it's so weird that I see you now and you're the transition in your life that I was at

Like 10 years the feature act right Headline a limbo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah like headline sometimes. Yeah, like you had lines feature mostly Sometimes they call you like on a Tuesday. Are you available tomorrow in Tampa? I'll be there. Yeah, I'm saying they know I can handle the job Yeah, it's funny how you're in that limbo and you're just waiting for that last push It could be a movie. It could be a special It could be a fucking commercial. It could be anything. You don't know what it could be Yeah, if I was like, where's the beef? It could be. I don't know where it could be. It could be the podcast It's in that limbo. I I still remember having this conversation with Steve run is easy

With you now. It's such a fucking mind fuck Because it's like turning 50. You don't know when it's gonna happen, but it's gonna happen. You're gonna die You know, when you get to a realm here Where everybody knows who you are casting people know who you are, right? You just need To find out when the project getting done. So you get your foot in the door and go listen What if I played this character and I played this motherfucker this way? Yeah, and they got three guys They got to pay 15 million dollars to already and they were thinking of another guy So that would make their budget 60 million dollars. But you know what that guy or maybe that guy was worth three million dollars

That guy wouldn't change the fucking dimension. You go in there with a different perspective on the character Jane Moore has done it. There's a lot of comedians who got in there and change the whole perspective of a movie That's where you're at right now. Here's the right there. You know, you can be put on that chris rock tour You know what I'm saying? I didn't know it's all a possibility. Yeah, these are like I was in that position for fucking years I still am where you're waiting for the fucking doorbell to ring right like you're waiting for your ship to come in And roles movies are getting made and you're like, I could have played that. Yeah, I could have done this this way Have we showed a note about it? I wish I would have known about narcos. I would have gone on narcos and talked to me in spanish game

Right. Fuck you. I would have definitely had a passport for narcos On the move to columbia. I come back 90 pounds lighter and shit Talking columbian shit. Yeah, I would have gone out. You know that that the host Who later went to play the host nacella cruise uh The one family cousin the one that left with the sister-in-law the chubby dude That was an informer at first and he he worked for pablo I could I could I could work that fucking role. Yeah, sure. Right, you know me. I'm an animal, of course So I know like I I I was in that position

From you gotta remember dog the longest yard made me headline for about 10 weeks By then to sell no tickets. It was got you. It was longest yard people right It was no, no, no, no. It was adam salla people and after they saw my act. They were very disgruntled They stopped trying to book you. Oh my god Let's hear it. The movie comes out. That's the best way to say it ever. The movie comes out in may of 2005 And it's a great premiere. Everybody's happy comes out to Number two of the week and I lost a chris rocks movie which chris rock was in two movies at the same time Yeah, one was number one and one was number two and he beat us by like maybe three or four million

Okay, we were cracked. I got was cracked right like I wanted to talk some shit at the store Yeah, what the fuck have you done in shit? Yeah, I'm in the movie. That's number one and shit. You know what I'm saying? so What the fuck was it like that? Okay, so I'm lee nothing happens The movie comes out more of their weekend nothing happens. No fucking not a tinkle Not even a fucking a birthday card nothing Not even a fucking nothing

By august i'm scratchable arrangement by august i'm scratching my head on my side. I just put on my jersey and walk around right Like should I just be an asshole my buddy would call me and go comic con come down put your shirt on right And get ten dollars a picture. I go dry out a little bit more class than that shit, right? and I'm one of those guys right. I right didn't work out for me And one day I got a call. I ain't doing joey d is whatever ESPN radio new york will put together a longest yard show

And we're gonna fly out and put you up And give you a couple yard sticks and just do this show at the comic strip in new york We're gonna advertise on the radio The whole fucking schizan Okay So with me Jesus You guys know I got a great memory. I forget this whole thing like okay

The only thing I remember you know who showed up who who was in the movie with me And he showed up to watch me and we became friends during the movie solid guy But here I am in new york city. My friends are in the audience And who comes to see me, but The guy from the warriors Warrior movie. Yeah, come out and play He's in the longest yard. Okay, and our trailers are right next to each other. He's one of the most Like I learned from him. Mm-hmm. There's something like when you meet somebody and you go, oh shit

Yeah, they're knocking out of the park. That's how it's done. That's why that dude was opposite of the murphy That's why that dude was phenomenal in the crow. Right. That's why that dude every performance. He's in from the warriors He's who he is. Yeah, and I watched what he did. He always trained karate with the same guy Little chinese guy in the village. He lives in new york city He bought the fucking redstone that he grew up in he trained karate in front of you No, no, no, he would he would do forms at the fucking thing. Okay. Everybody thought he was crazy But I got where he was coming from. He was a sweetheart of a guy Bro, he would tell you things while you were acting

Really change your world That's funny because I love him in the warriors. I love the warriors. Yeah Don't that you know, I tell the story he had the warriors because A friend of his told him can you cover for me in a play? Oh, really? He went in there. Walter hill was in the audience often in the fucking role made him audition bad When he first moved to new york from michigan He moved to the Bronx in 68. Yeah There was no long-haired people those people those attorneys them like long-haired people. Yeah, you end upstairs

And he said that he'd be in his apartment sleeping and guys would be banging bottles outside going dirty hair Come out and play Really? And that's where he got that. So you understand like sometimes in life you borrow shit. It just comes up right when you need it Yeah, well, I just come out of the shot because serrano in uh major league wore a jock Do you like major league? You never want to say? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've watched it. I love that greatest stories of all time But there's a cuban dude. There's the voodoo. Yeah, the voodoo like a superstitious guy. Yeah, one scene He's got a jockey when the owner comes in so we had our locker room scene

I said i'm cuban. Let me do what serrano did. That's why I wore a jockey right right right. Fuck. Yeah, you learned from other people Yeah, absolutely. So I learned that from him He was always on time and now he always knew his lines He always came prepared with two takes on every scene really so he demanded. Yeah, he would tell you that one I ain't doing but listen listen how we're gonna do this shit He go we're gonna do it your way your way and i'm gonna do one for me and then we're gonna do one for throwaway That's awesome. And he would bang it and you look at him and go holy fuck How did he come at that role from that direction? Right? And I knew I could never be that good. That was 20 years of theater and

Films opposite people and yeah new people and this is what he did. Oh, he was a fucking. He loved it. Yeah, he told me one time I don't do tv For you for me to tell you that's like I don't do the road Yeah, I don't do tv right. That's where your major gear is this you do you do a couple shows You get residuals to your fucking 38. Yeah, you get residuals to fucking tomorrow then when you're 80 you get a residual because somebody in china Yeah, more than a fucking paid tv or something So, you know, he didn't do tv. I didn't like it, but I recently saw him on some so things are bad all over tv's different now I recently saw him on cw playing like a fucking devil on one of those shows

So things are bad all over you need that pension comes People need that pension and shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah tv is like more sophisticated than movies right now anyways and actors are like more interested in doing tv I think well because The movie bit listen first off This is easiest shit. So let's cut it out. Let's get the fucking games out like The beauty about that you do the math, okay? That becomes a time you don't become that much of a draw anymore

And a producer from cbs comes to you and says listen, man. You could be a great cop on this show Starting salary 17-5 you shoot 12 episodes your first year The show becomes a hitly you come back You're at 22 Starting salary is 70 500 you're at 37 five You come back. You're a 50 gbo's an episode dog and now it goes into episode six If 62,000 You know those guys remember every time the episode plays you get genus and when the episode when the series ends

You get genus So a lot of these guys are like, yeah, let me do tv. It's a security You see these people who go from show how much money do you think the chick from Seinfeld has? I have no idea. I just watch tons and tons and tons. She made me laugh my ass off. I'm she's great She really is great. Yeah. At first. I'm like, ah, she's washed up. I gotta be honest. I reversed my decision She fucking cracks me up and veep now. I watch it. She cracks me up. Yeah She still got it man, and I watched that movie the other day. Let me tell you something None of her movies are home runs, but I can't stop watching it. I love that fucking girl

The little girl from signing out live with the blue glasses that plays the fucking congresswoman or the president to be What's her name? Lee you went to the movie when she plays sisters Tina Fey I was watching the movie of her when she sold her. She bought eggs. She bought eggs And great kiddies in the movie. I love Tina Fey. Right. I couldn't take my eyes off her When people talk shit on people like this serious. There's people I love don't fuck with them Right, like I would make a movie with tom cruise and Tina perfect Of course I love tom cruise no doubt about it the Scientology with me. I look at the other way with tom cruise

I'm a hypocrite. I look the other way when I see tom cruise and collato. Listen. If you walk into the Scientology temple I love you. You know, it's a beautiful building. It's a beautiful beautiful building Bro Scientology's in trouble. Why is that real? Was that real? I put more money into I don't know if that was fake facebook stuff So I didn't the one in Tennessee. Oh, no, what happened? Listen, dog. That's red neck country That's bible belt. They put the motherfuckers in jail They put Scientologists in jail For being Scientologists. No What do you what happened sign some guy went in there

And he was one of the cleansers so and he wanted to pay and they kept them in there for nine months against his will And he got a cell phone and he called the cops and the cops came and they were living on trailers with blankets and shit So they arrested everybody and this is Tennessee This is in california where people liberal minded and they're like, oh, yeah Scientology So now I read this thing the other night that they want the man trump to Go after Scientology for back taxes Like that's the new fucking thing I read the other day like they want trump to go after

Scientology for back taxes too much money that they would just cripple you think so. Yeah, it would just there's no way There's too much money behind it. Don't they have billions and what is that isn't that a Scientology building on burbank? They're all Scientology building. That's you mongous. Why do you think they put four million dollars on that corner cells? No, they're about to fucking both cells. Yes, but they're about to rebuild this whole neighborhood They're about to retake this whole fucking neighborhood. You have to be a Scientologist now Lee I hope you're comfortable with that. You won't be able to live in this neighborhood neither will I nope They're about to blow I told john bud over at vmak. I said john If I was you I start thinking about the future. He goes why I go

You see how much money Scientology spent on your corner? He goes I saw that I go for them to spend the small five million Something's gonna happen up here. Yeah, and all that part of north hollywood that looks like it's 1951 still right It looks like it's 1950 fucking absolutely Yeah, and it's and it's not even attractive anymore Like the only thing that I go up there for is to go to the martial arts supply store Because brucelly used to go in there So at least give him the first shot like I got nothing to do sometimes at daytime

I'll go up there on a tuesday and walk around look at swords like that's all and Kicking gear do I buy something I buy a mouthpiece for 10 for just walking around like a mobile with your store You know I'll buy a shoelace for a fucking punching bag or something Who's stopping you? Yeah, no, but the place is fucking legit. You know when there's sometimes gene lubella's in there You know, I don't say two words, you know, I just mingle look at the brucelly shit I look at the pads. I look at the fucking And this I don't know what it's mingling. I mean in the store. I've never mingled in the store. Listen, you know what it means

You hang out for a little bit. Listen, I grew up on black belt magazine And then there'd be a section and it would be behind the martial arts supplies in the city So during the week I go to fucking karate And on saturdays me and eight little karate gangsters that did not smoke pot Some of them were christian. Some of them didn't curse We take a bus into the city and we go to honda martial arts supply in the middle of new york city in 1975 10 11

And we go to we lie to our mothers and tell them we're going to karate tournament in the brunks Then we go to the city And we'd fucking go to the seventh floor and it was like Heaven when you were a kid, right? Like it was a warehouse floor With glass and everything was in in glass casings to really oh How much is that 10 99? I'm gonna have to come back and let the save for three weeks and get the paper out and shit Like we'd buy the iron palm technique Like we'd get the bag and get the juju juice

And we'd do the iron palm technique like assholes because in those days There was a movie that the guy would go like this and his palms would get red And then he'd fuck you up with the palm of death and shit We go over there and buy like geese. We buy like headbands and The things that you hold and punch that I wouldn't and it's a pad and we'd beat them till our knuckles would bleed Because they were leather. We were lunatics though lunatics What did your mom think that you were like terrible karate? You never won a medal? I went to karate every night from the time I got from the time I moved

From the time I was six The time I got head in the head with the lunchbox. Oh as soon as the stitches came out maybe two weeks after that I was putting karate And I started going like three days a week and my behavior So they started putting me in there five days a week and I got kicked in the stomach one time so hard by a fat kid He knocked the air out of me dog. I didn't go to karate for like two fucking days. I was petrified And then I said fucking I went back and I learned how to kick and you know like something woke me up Yeah, and I went in there and I liked it guys and there was a bunch of geeks

And we'd go there saturdays and mopped a fucking thing, but you know, I wasn't getting in trouble then Yeah, you'd wear black gi with a fist on the fucking thing. That's a goju And I'd be training with black dudes and shit And then we moved to jersey and I joined this other place fujapai kung fu But I couldn't do all that stuff flying through the air. So I didn't really like it. My friend went to karate Yeah, my friend went to karate the traditional karate So it was like gushinru karate And I started going down there and it went in those days guys

It started at four and you stayed there till seven eight o'clock at night Because your goal was to even to be 10 or 11 but to be let into the 13-year-old class And that's where you got the shit knocked out of you, but you got better quick Once you got in that class and you were doing good you do good in tournaments that were 11 year olds So that's what we did. We'd stay there sweep the floors. We thought the master was real. We'd bow and shit Uh, I know but that's what I'm saying like you said you went to these tournaments, but then you went and did all that other stuff Yeah, we didn't hear my mother think like he's going all this time. Why isn't he winning any medals and any no no no I used to bring home trophies in those days

Okay You know, I was just thinking about my little karate my favorite one ever. I have a favorite one too was from the last karate tournament one form It was like a two-foot trophy. I won kata And I that was uh february 19th 1979 I still remember that trophy being in the middle of the mantle I was proud of it and shit. I had a few medals. I had a few smaller trophies

I got a skateboarding trophy that I still got first place vert packs river maryland What's up? It was the summer I learned the invert man. I was unstoppable You saw only two other people into the content You still write the skateboard from time to time from time to time It's been a year like I got it on my resume as an actor So if they like hit me up I got to make a demo tape real quick And I'm fucking dying falling on the ground laying on this skateboard just to get like 30 seconds of footage

I'll show you after though I landed a shove it and a kickflip in this footage No way and then I went into the room the audition room and I did 360s Which I didn't even think I could do but I just fucking went for it Uh didn't get the job, but at least it got me back on the skateboard. That's cool. I can't moral to that story I can't even do a kickflip with like those hand Skateboards. Well, that's a lot harder than actually doing a kickflip. Really? Well, I can't do it with my fingers either. Okay, nor do I know anyone that really can

Joe the audience misses you big time. Who the audience they drop a fucking audition on you at 10 o'clock at night. You know Yeah At least you don't have to do any escape footy You know, I never skateboarded. I hated that shit from day one But Thank you, son. Look at you. It's beautiful. Yeah, I got a fucking audition This could be a home another life for you job This could be the one somebody it brings your heart

Some somebody twice as smart As I There's definitely thc in that uh candy you gave me I don't think so. No, I'm telling you you guys need to re-examine the product Um, I feel slightly out of it That's what I gave it to you for do you hear this song? Do you guys hear this song? No, what song? Who'll leave you Look at me say I crack him funny as I'm pulled that that full tron and show

The fuck is going on here? I did that prank one time and that kid he lost his mind And that's funny daddy beyond cool or just posted a picture of the kid His name is kredi Lorenzo one night. We were fucking the highest fuck my acid I mean we were burning right that's when acid would burn like I would look at Lee and Lee would be purple Would you be scared of Lee? No, we would like to look at each other for a few minutes and then we giggled because we were both looking at the same thing We were both looking at the same thing, you know

So it was three of us. It was me kredi Lorenzo. Let's get Louis Castellito And we're fucking go to this movie. I forget we went to select the pink floor. We were on fire, right? At that time I was eating double barrels That was like I got I got like I I used to get acid in a east rousberg And from time to time the one guy would take me in the back room and go listen what i'm about to give you Don't fuck with if you don't if you don't think people can handle it. Don't give them this

Okay, and I go how good is it the guy would go? I told you Lee these guys were 24 If I was 16 These guys were maybe if I'm exaggerating 23 I didn't ask questions They gave me a great deal on acid I would walk in there with 400 dollars and walk out of there with a box of goodies

And they had the campus police on the payroll these kids were geniuses They said fuck school. We're gonna make fucking Shit in our basement, right and they were making black beauties. No, no The black beauties that were blunt. They were buying pharmaceutical black beauties On the fucking off market and selling it to me They would probably buy them for a quarter of a piece and sell them to me for 50 cents a piece I could get a dollar for those things like these kids were geniuses They knew listen, we'll keep our prices low, but you buy only for much, right?

You show up every fucking saturday and I guess they did something They were geniuses because every day of the week they had a different people coming To different places. They would never go to the same place the same time, but it was always on campus Because they had campus police Sealed off. They were fucking geniuses. I forget what their names were don't matter They're probably happier that way, but from time to time Lee. I would go then he go he called me uh Coco something He was a white kid from fucking brooklyn

But like he loved the whole spanish culture and that's how we attracted the other dude was just a white jewish dude And they were both like What that what's the biggest thing you could be like a chemistry major? But they figured out how to make ludes And they figured out how to make different types of acid And they were cooking guys these guys had nailed it and every week every week you met them They always had something different a blotter acid four-way acid Liquid acid

They always had something but every once in a while they pour you in the other room and go listen I can only give you a hundred hits of this for a certain reason. I'm gonna give you this for four dollars a piece You're gonna get 10 And they're gonna end up in the hospital if they're not right, but they would tell you if they're not psychologically right They're gonna be don't give them this shit Don't give them this shit. You're gonna go sit bare it on and I would rip half the piece I would take 50 and give them for the calendula brothers And they would eat that sheet

In two days of camp in the calendula brothers Finally steve and those stab themselves in 82 on the camp Not on my acid god forbid. Please thank god that didn't come to me that weekend. But he was unstable I was I was gonna ask you what you don't know what you're betting process I was out of the acid game by that point It used to be listen. I swear to my mother's grave And I'll get timmy rush to call indian when I was in high school on friday nights. I had to be 16

Calangelo had to be 18. He was a sophomore by that point. What? Oh my god He's an 18 year old sophomore. Oh hysterical. He was writing his own notes When the teachers would go Why were you absent yesterday? Give me a note. I'll whip it up in a minute How angel who was the real deal? Yeah, so it was him his brother and tether And calangelo was a big kid, but his brother was a fucking pro bodybuilder And he was yoked and that meant he was yoked on the goods all the time And then they had that what this other dude that was dangerous to his name was tether

He was just dangerous And these guys I swear to my mother's grave would buy 100 sheets of acid 100 hits of acid on a sheet And they'd go camp on a friday and come back on sunday They buy 100 of 100 they buy 100 hits Okay, so three of them would disappear into the woods on friday and they'd come back sunday the acid was gone They eat you They'd eat they'd eat eat 33 33 hits of acid

Christ, man and they would burn like they would they would tell me the stories that they would black out and lose each other's shit and they had to call the ambulance on time. What the fuck are they doing? Helicopters. But years later, they were getting high somewhere, and the brother stabbed himself in the stomach and he lived. Yeah, on an 11 hits of acid a night, you're gonna do that to yourself. You fucking believe that shit.

Oh. At that time, I could do like three hits of acid. Oh, look, a huge thing. Oh, my God. I don't know acid. I've never done this acid. It's fun, but I can't even imagine driving to go get it. Like, I only want...

That's what you don't like? I don't like it that much to like go get it. I believe the shit I've given you. Yes. First of all, I've always taken care of you. And I've bullshitted you when I'm giving you. I don't think so. But I've bullshitted you.

No, because if I gave you what I'm supposed to give you, you wouldn't be sitting there no more. You'd just be getting out of the psych ward. And you'd be like the fucking lieutenant in the pink panther. Remember, the pink panther's room was so crazy. He went to the psych ward for like a fucking year. And then he came out and the pink panther would sneak up on him from time to time to apologize.

He would freak out and shit. Lee, that's what you would have done. I would give... Lee, when I was doing acid, I would take it at eight. And by 11 o'clock, I'd just go into this fucking haze. Is this p.m. or a.m.? This is p.m. Okay.

And I wouldn't come back into focus until about 1-1-30. And then I'd know who the fuck I am, but I'd still be trippin'. Right. Like, you'd lose yourself for three hours, Lee. Like, you'd call me the next day and say, where did we go? You don't remember when we were in front of 7-11?

Laughin' at the lady with the one word. At that night, the lady parked. The lady pulled up with you. Did that happen? I mean... Motherfucker lady. We pulled up. Was that a hallucination?

No, but that's the type of shit that happens. Yeah. Like, Lee, you want to walk over there and drive. Let's walk over there. Walk to 7-11. It's real. The lights out. Yeah.

It's like that scene in Go. What do you do with the eyes? I'm always worried about my eyes. Nothing. You just fucking don't make direct eye contact. Make eye contact, but very briefly. Be shifty. Be shifty.

And untrustable. Yeah. We're paying cash. We're going to pay. And now we got to walk out of there. You know, there's people that live in those parks waiting for guys like you and me to be walking by. The people in the cops are going to have to go on that parking night

because they got a lot of homeless, crazy people. They got a bottle of beer. So just to go to that 7-11 and walk back to the office, Lee, and then we go to fucking diner and order food, and we can't eat it, and we just stare at each other. And we laugh at the waitress, and somebody would come over and ask us for two dollars. Can't eat it.

Oh, no, no, no, no. The last time I took out, Ari would ask it one of the last times. We went down to a concert. We were too cheap to buy the tickets. Yeah. So we ended up going to a diner, eating food, and we just stared at it. What's that food where everybody goes for the dip sandwich?

Philippes. Yeah. And we didn't eat. We just sat there, like, laughing at people. Yeah, you think it's safe to go home yet? And we got on the train back there, like, and then we got home and some movie was on. It was about a bounty hunter.

The chick with Mickey Rourke. We watched that on the way down. That was the wrestler. No, that's not the fucking wrestler. He's not a bounty hunter. He's a wrestler, the fucking wrestler. That's a matter with you. You know what's a matter with me?

I'm on your pills, man. I'm on your fucking candy. Fuck you. I'm out of my mind. It's Monday night. He's sobering up around. I'm no walking. You gotta eat the other half.

Oh, I'll eat that a little bit later, Joe. Oh, shit. Let me get through this first. Oh, we used to got the pink eye. That's okay. No, you gotta eat this for you for later. This is a nightcap. You know what I'm saying?

Awesome. What is that? What does that do? I have no idea. That's probably the stuff he got in whatever way. This is the victim of wheat. Look, this is 25 fucking milligrams. I've had enough in the list.

You should have that right now. This is a gumball. You should have it right now. Oh, I'm not gonna have it. That's for you to do. I don't want to go right now. All right. Thank you.

You're the option. Your breath. Your breath, dude. Something's gonna be on the island. Your plane's gonna go down. You're gonna be on island. I'm walking around like this. You're the only survivor.

You're gonna wish you had a fucking 35 milligram animal. You're gonna go right now. I can go for that 35 milligram animal. I feel like I want a little bit more. You regret this, man. Oh, my goodness. I'm happy you came on tonight. Me too, man.

We're working together. We're walking. Detroit. Where are we playing in Michigan? We're at the Magic Pat or something like that theater. All right. In Ferndale, motherfucking Michigan. And Wednesday night, we're at the turn of ballroom, the turn of hall, ballroom in Milwaukee.

One show, ba-boom, ba-beam. We're out of that. No more drama. We're gonna go eat Italian food. That's gonna be great. In the Italian neighborhood. Maybe get a meatball sandwich or something. That's what I'm gonna do, yeah.

Something. You know what I'm saying? Lisa, you bad motherfucker. Lisa, that's gonna be buying a car on Saturday. I'm not buying a car. He's cosigning his shit. No, I'm not. You're buying your girl a car?

No, I'm not. You might as well buy it under your name. What are you doing? What are you doing? My girl is... What's he doing? My girl's buying her first car and I'm going with her car. You're cosigning.

He's cosigning. You're buying a car. She won't need to. She has good credit. You just bought a car. He's cosigning. It's fine. Everything will be fine.

But you're cosigning for a car. I'm not cosigning for a car. What are you doing then? I'm going with her. I'm just going with her to be there. Oh. You're gonna negotiate? This...

I think this place is another one of those non-negotiating places, but... Listen. You're a Jew. You're still negotiating. You're a Jew. And you're not gonna bring him? Tell him to show up with five yard sticks. And tell him not to say a fucking word.

He's gonna handle the whole fucking thing. And you walk in there and you go, I want to buy this goddamn car. I'd love to see that. But I'm giving you a nickel under the fucking price. I'd love to see you do that. Well, you buy this car today and you start going here for $700. You just said five. Would you do five?

Yeah, I'd do five. Okay, but hold on one second. Let me talk to my wife in Spanish. And then make believe. Then you come back and you go, no, my wife's someone at $650. She saw a car over at CarMax and they'll do it over there for this price. All right, we're gonna sell you the car. It is.

What about the little dent in the head? Fuck it. We'll take the car. It is. She could drive to Van Nuys with dent in the fucking car. Who gives a fuck? And two weeks are gonna steal the fucking thing anyway. We'll be back here through Enterprise.

This is you tomorrow there. I want you to say exactly that. You're Jewish. Listen to the tape and get it memorized. You don't buy nothing as easily. All right, you always got to go in there. You always got to ask for something. It's 2017.

They ain't making cars like they used to. Want me to ask for extra cup holders or something? No, no, no, no. Listen, let me talk to you. Brighter light, sir. Before we do this, this is my wife. I love her. I'm gonna marry her.

We're gonna move back to Mexico before Trump builds the world. I want to take this car. You're gonna be in Mexico. Listen to me. I'm not giving you 11-5 for the fucking car. Mom's cooking. I call my bank. We have a bank, so don't sell cars.

We sell cars. I understand, sir. But this is serious here, okay? You're not gonna 11-5 for that car. I'm gonna offer you 10-5 for the fucking car. And you start from there, Lee. Oh, I can't do it for 10-5. Listen, let me talk to my wife.

You go over to Yellow and Spanish. Maybe give her a backhand and then come back and talk to the fucking dude again. It's the American way. She used to be crying for extra... Would you buy the car today? And you go, yeah, but you gotta give me a 7-50 off. You just said a nickel. Now you start confusing.

No, I said 7-50. American dollars. You're talking pesos. You looked at my wife when you're fucking... Are you racially profiling? Let me call the fucking Ju-Ju-Ju Association of America. And I'll get you on fucking ABC News and see how funny it is then. All right, all right, all right.

I'll give you the 7-50. Don't call nobody. Ain't gonna call nobody. Tomorrow, man, you got all that, right? You can do that, right? Because it's gonna be 11-5 plus warranty, plus this, plus that. It's looking like it's gonna be probably a lease. They have some really good lease deals.

And does she get the student one? We're not sure. The student one might only be if you buy it, so that just depends on what you decide to do. It's either the good lease dealer or... But it's not that. It's like $500 or $700, usually. Which is nice. It's like a good down payment.

Buying a car is very stressful. And it's terrible. And the thing about buying a car today is why a lot of people say selling cars is very hard is because people don't go in there and they already know the prices. Right. So before you go in there, research-ly. Oh, yeah, she's... You love all this shit.

No, no, but you love all this shit. I don't know who to contact. I wish I could help you. I only have one guy that I know that if you like a car that, if you call me, we'll go up there together. And he'll cut the deal that'll make your hair stand up. If she wants... Okay.

I'm sure she would like something from there. If she likes a similar... Yeah, set that up. Like a small... She likes anything. She wants the cheapest deal she can get. As long as it's automatic. Let's go put in an American car because she needs a car.

No, she likes Toyota. She likes Honda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I got nothing against American cars. Honda, every Honda has a backup camera now. Every Honda. Even the lowest model. That's a good thing.

That's crazy. Yeah, to me, oh my God. Okay, so I forget I have it and I go look at it and it's fantastic. Yeah, it changed the world. It really is a different world. That yellow line means stop the fucking car. Right. You...

And you're in the fucking parking spot like a doctor. Yeah. And when you're stoned, that thing comes in handy. Absolutely. Motherfucker. I wish it was on all the time though. Like in the front, all sides. Yeah.

So you have an agent here at Theatrical and we started getting at him on this one. Yeah, man. I got a Theatrical agent. So get him on the phone. Say, look, this is fucking Matt Fulcher. I just bark a little bit. Right. And say, I want to start going on the co-stars.

I'm a comic. I'm out here. I need fucking... I need fire coming at me from four different directions. Right. I got the podcast. I need a couple of this. I need that.

Do you ever do that? Do you ever call people up and tell them? Fuck it. Get off their ass. You have to get... What agency are you in? There's something called Elevate, which actually is a lot of comics there that you would know. But it's nothing... forgive me, but it's nothing special.

Hmm. I don't know what they're really capable of. Well, listen. You want to have a personal relationship with them, but you don't. Well, I just fucked that up, didn't I? Yeah. You gotta go to lunch with them from time to time. Yeah.

You gotta always be in their eye. If you're doing a show, make a flyer, send it to them. So there's always... there's ways to fuck with them. Right. You don't have to go down there and smack motherfuckers and send them down to the chair. There's different ways to get people involved. If they don't respond to that, then you gotta cut them loose and look for somebody else because you can't live in Los Angeles pretty soon.

I'm gonna make a call for Lee. I gotta call a friend of mine. In fact, I'm playing phone tag with them. Commercials. Yeah. I'm talking to people and they're like, dog, the money today in LA, the little money there is. Is non-union commercials. Really?

Non-union? Non-union like a motherfucker. Oh, my God. That's the word. That's the word on the street right now. They just pay a lot of money up front then, right? Yeah. They let you know exactly what they're gonna pay you.

There's no fucking monthly fees. You're not gonna get a check in the mail in nine months. Yeah. What they do is they go, Lee Syat, you're gonna play a fucking barber. It's gonna run national and internationally. We're gonna give you 17.5 and go fuck yourself. And one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna get postcards from fucking Canada going. This thing's been playing 10 times a day.

So there's a downside to it. Right. And there's, for a while you feel violated. You know, like these dudes are fucking making back on my shit. But how long does it take to shoot that kind of commercial? Three days. And since it's non-union, you shoot like an animal. They shoot like animals.

But, you know, because a lot of work is non-union now, I guarantee the non-union work, they treat people a little better, you know? I don't know. I'm not in that game. But from speaking to different people and bumping into friends of mine from 10 years ago, I was seeing auditions, people like I'm thinking of going non-union. Like there's a part in the union sag that there comes a time where you could go world. It's called something.

Uh-huh. It's called like worldwide or some shit, which means that you work, but it doesn't go towards your pension. Okay. So it's a win-lose situation. So if I come to you and I go, listen, I have a non-union project, you're gonna make $300,000 in 11 months, but you're gonna have to shoot in Bulgaria. Okay.

All right. I'm listening. Boom. You get $350 after 10 episodes and $150,000. I guess you pay a little tax in Bulgaria, but the rest goes to you. You know what I'm saying? But if that show becomes Seinfeld in Bulgaria. That's it.

That's it. But a guy like you would do comedy shows in Bulgaria. Right. And charge $50,250 at the door and get Lee to play the violin. I'm ready. I'm ready for all this to happen. Lee, are you ready? You ready to do your part?

I'm ready to be a star in Bulgaria. The only commercial audition I've gotten in the last year, they told me exactly what they were gonna pay me and what they wanted me to do. I remember looking at it and going, that's fucking crazy. That this is what they're doing with the commercial auditions. Well, the commercial auditions used to be like shooting craps. Yeah. You didn't know.

You went to them because you had nothing to do. Right. You had nothing to do that day. They just called everybody in. Yeah. And you were one of those guys. You know what? I got them to do a 330 on a Thursday afternoon.

Gotta go. And you go down there and you bump into Ari. Sure. Oh, you bump into eight dudes from the store and two comedians. 15 guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some girl used to bang. And I got this and I got that.

And you start that. This guy goes that they call you in for this. So sometimes by going to an audition, you bump into somebody who gives you information about another job. Yeah. So, you know, in those days, I would always go to the fuck down. They were never strenuous for me. I would just wrap my day around.

If it was 11 o'clock, where was the audition? Boom. Marina Del Rey. There's a pizza joint down there. It opens up at 11.15. I did something. Yeah, man. So you make a little fucking day.

And now I can't do that. I don't get those type of auditions. Right. I get auditions to go to fucking Goward for in the afternoon. That's what I want to do. That's what I want to fucking do. Go to Gower Gulch. Yeah.

Go to Gower Gulch to fucking at four in the afternoon. You come out of there and the fucking death traffic right there in Cohinga. That's what you want to fucking do. But I'm still fortunate. I'm getting auditioned. Yes, you are. You're on TV tonight, though. Can you believe that shit?

I can't. You're a talented motherfucker. You're a funny motherfucker. You know, man, this was the first time ever. And so they called me in like two months ago for something else. And I went in there and I actually bent over and showed them my ass. And I knew I had the room. Like I knew when I walked out of the room that this wild card is perfect for the show.

Yeah. You know, that's what they look at sometimes. Is that crazy? You are on what you wanted to do in that fucking room. And they called as I was getting in the Uber to leave town. And I go, you guys got to the time I get to LAX to let me know what you want to do. And they call back and they go, no, we're going to rewrite your role. Go on your trip.

Enjoy yourself. When I came back, I go, that's going to be in the year 2019. They call the week later. So, but Maz is on there. Cool. The one kid we know from the store, the young kid comes in there. Yeah. So they all put words in for me.

So, you know, it's nice to be in town for 20 years. I know Maz how fucking long. Yeah. Just that long, man. I remember him late nineties at the, at the comedy store. And we would say, well, he was on stage and shit. Maz Jublani. Maz Jublani.

Maz Jublani. He'd be fucking, he'd be doing, he'd be on like the seventh minute and I walked by and see he was on stage. I creep up the stairs and sit down and I wait till he took a breath on stage and I go, Maz Jublani. Maz Jublani. And then he started dancing. Hey, hey.

And then he would do like three more minutes and I'd bust it out again. Maz Jublani. Maz Jublani. And he would dance along and he never got mad at me. He was always, always been funny, man. It's the first time I saw him. He's funny and warm. Like I remember late nights, Sunday nights there with him getting tanked.

Yeah. Like I was a mess on Sunday nights. Sunday nights have always forever will be my favorite fucking night apart. Still? No, no. What do I do? Good thing we're coming home on Sunday. I eat a lollipop on a Sunday night.

My kid, that's as crazy as I, you know. But Sunday nights used to be your thing. But I grew up in a culture with Sundays and especially September once football came. You start early. You start early. You start early. So I came from that culture in North Bergen with those motherfuckers on Sundays. They should start at 10.

If they were going to a game, they should start at 9. I'm not talking about a few beers. I'm talking about a few bumps, a half a lude. Wait, and are you talking about like high school games? No, no. What games are they going to see? I'm talking about going to see the Giants. Okay, thank God.

You mentioned taking Coke to see a high school game. I thought they were going to have to go see like Berge sometimes. Listen, if I know anything about my hometown, there are people who get high and go to those fucking games. Get that ecstasy. We're going to the volleyball match. It's crazy. There's people who still live in high school. You know that in every town.

Sure. You go to a game and they're there with the hat on. Talking about 1984, how they made the tackle against Kelly. You're like, oh my God. Stays to confuse the movie come to life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no, that culture, that early morning Sunday culture where you get together at 12 and by one o'clock somebody's tapping on the shoulder. And before you leave the house, you're like, I'm just going to go out and have a few beers.

Yeah. That's how fucking stupid, but intelligent, but stupid you are at the same time. Right. I got to believe it on a Sunday. I'm going to go see what's going on. I got to work tomorrow at eight. I'll come home like at five. You got there.

You drank a fucking beer. Yeah. Then you did like two or three vodka fucking orange juices. Two or three. And by the third vodka. It's like work, Lee. And by the third, somebody comes up to you, taps you on the hand and goes, you want to go half on a half a gram. Absolutely.

And you're like, fuck yeah, 25 dollars. All right. You give them 25 bucks. Right. Next thing you know, you're doing little bumps. Right. And then your own business, you're having the best buzz of your life. You could go home.

Right. Absolutely. You got the energy for it too. You can go home, jerk off twice and go to bed. Call once. And nobody knows nothing. And wake up like a four in the morning, drink coffee and tip top. Magoo, you're out there with a bowl of fucking honey loops, whatever the fuck.

Like an upstanding citizen. But I took about three, four drinks. Got a couple bumps and here comes Johnny Deela with a big bag. He didn't do, he stayed in Friday night. Uh-huh. So he's way behind in his payment schedule. Uh-huh. So he bumps me.

It's been savings for you. So he bumps into you and all of a sudden he starts giving you fucking taste of that fucking voodoo. And it's four or five there in the afternoon. You're sitting there. You can't talk. Yeah. What's that like?

What the fuck do you think it's like? It's like this right now. Yeah, it's good. No, no, no, no, no guys. We're having fun. Right. This is when you're locked, you're at the bar. Uh-huh.

You just got your eyes on the screen and you don't want to even take your eyes off the screen because life is real and you're fucking coked up to the gills. The coke is dripping down your fucking throat. You're inhaling. You're trying not to let people know, but it's 1984, the whole bar is on it. Right. People trying to be cool, but at this point in society, the coke wasn't that speedy. So it was still people, so there were some people chilling, there were some people join,

but not join. Join is when your jaw moves. But your body does other characteristics like your fingers will go, or you'll scratch your neck or something like that, or you'll scratch your nose, or you'll fucking twitch every four minutes like you went over to fucking Iraq. So fucking, you go to these bars and you were in there and after about an hour, you felt everybody's energy. Like your body started, like it became like a tuning fork, because everybody around you

was on that shit. And I still remember like it was clear as I stopped doing that type of shit where you would get together on a Sunday and not get home till Tuesday night. You quit that? Like you'd be locked in a hotel room with eight people sporting. When you were going to make beer runs, talking shit, telling stories, talking to chicks, locking yourself in the bathroom with a chick, letting them see if she'll finger you. I mean, it was just disgust.

Wait, wait, wait, do you say if she'll finger you? Whatever. Either way. It's four in the morning. You're in a hotel room, you're strangers. It's 1984, 85. That's when I did that. What was work on Tuesday like?

Were you out of your mind? And you walk in and they're like, where were you? You're not going to believe it. I kidnap my fucking Martians and they transferred me to the black people who kidnapped Tom Hanks. Now this job was union, I take it. No, no, no. At that time, listen, at that time I would burn through jobs like you burned through fucking

dollar bills. It was fucking, I would have a job every week and in those days you just, Lee knew somebody, you knew somebody. You come to me and go, you want a bartender? Sure. It would be that easy. I'd fuck you over in two weeks and Lee would come to me and go, hey, they need help over on my shipyard, 16 bucks an hour, but you got to work midnight.

I'll take it. Right. You know, there was, there was always, you could always load trucks. Okay. There was APA, there was a Florida in Texas and they all paid 17 an hour and you went in there at 10 o'clock at night and you worked all eight in the morning and you kick back the form and a hundred bucks on one pain day and every time you kicked them a hundred bucks he'd give you another shift.

That's the way it works. Right. That's for the night, but you got to kick back one. It's like an agent. So now when you call to shape, cause you got to call at like nine o'clock, I start calling on the call tonight. Angel there. Yeah.

This is Angel. Angel Joe Diaz. I'm available tonight. You work here before. Yeah. When? I don't know. Two weeks ago.

All right. Come on down. If I like you, you work tonight. Uh huh. You got to get in your fucking car. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a fucking whole league, 10 to nine. I'll call you and be close by.

I'll give you 10 bucks for gas. And I would just get dropped off. I would work 10 hours and go, I don't know how I'm getting home and God loved me because nine out of 10, somebody was going close to where I was going and they'd go, so you're going to take a bus all the way up there, fuck it, I'll give you a ride. Jesus Joseph and Mary, they were such a different fucking game. Yeah. And I would always take the midnight shift because they would hire you immediately.

Right. If you told them four to 12, everybody wanted four to 12. Yeah. Midnight. If you told them eight to four, everybody wanted eight to four, but you walking in and go, I don't want the midnight shift. Are you serious? Right.

You know, one of the jobs I had was a hardware company who I'd worked for before. I can't remember the name. They were big at that time. And their catch was you worked 10 hours a night, Monday through Thursday and then Friday. You came in, you punched in at seven at eight o'clock, you punched out and you went home. It was the craziest job I ever had and nobody would take that job. I got that job. Like that was a tight, it was a hardware company and you first started as a warehouse guy.

And then after time, you get promoted to different departments. Do you follow me? So you get the prototype, you get promoted to shipping. Right. So was your boss just the control freak while you came coming in for one hour on Fridays? Because Friday, like during the week, you each had a lot. So there would be four bays, okay? And there'd be four trucks when you got there.

And me, you, Lee and Jerry Rocha, you all worked there. And we each had a bay and we get there and we go, right, this is what we're going to do. I got three trucks tonight in this bay. You got three trucks, Lee's got two trucks and Jerry's got two trucks. What we're going to do is this, we can either work alone or we can work together and get out of here two hours earlier and still get two hours overtime. These guys were slick and they would jump on those fucking trucks and they would load

three quarters of them. And we'd have lunch, sweaty, dirty, dust in your eyes, walking in the fucking, then you come back and we'd get there at seven and we had it down to walking out of there at four in the morning every night. That's how we did that job. And then on Friday nights, you just, that's, on Friday, you'd go in and they'd have four trucks. That's it.

And each truck had four things on it. Like a curtain rod, a bar of soap, a box of nails, and a fucking shower curtain. And that was it. And so you punch out at quarter to eight and nobody wanted that job. I took that fucking job because I thought it was easy, me easy. You're out. You're still out on Friday night. You could still watch Miami Vice at nine and be out at 1030 ready or right.

Well, you're going through changes, aren't you? I'm going through changes. It's fucking Monday night, Lisa. Look, look at you. So you didn't train all weekend. Monday night is the new Sunday afternoon. Yeah. At least done.

He's done now on Monday because he doesn't want to train. He doesn't want to fight. Yeah. Why don't you train today? What happened? Lee, go buy the 40 and buy the mule. Take a mule home. We'll give you a little bit of this weed with no name on the canister.

What's a mule? This fucking bong right here. That's the mule. Oh, okay. Go buy a mule. You know where? Over there on the blank. You're already like halfway to like transplant.

I'm like, I'm not even a person. You're only 28. That means you're going to transplant when you're 56. Give me five. Don't think that happens. You can't run. We should not run no more anyway. So who gives a fuck?

I know, but I want to have the option to. It's not possible. Nah, there's no listen. If you're not going to run now, you're not going to run later. That's probably true. Today's the last day to run. Yeah. Today's the last day to run.

You had your chances. You had your chances. You didn't run. You were supposed to run. You didn't run. So dog, last week I had a horrible fucking experience. Oh, yeah. That couldn't happen.

And this is fucked up because I got to tell you something. The hit that says it worked. Okay. That shit that I've been doing like tomorrow I got to go to 10, 15. I think tomorrow's my last session. If that would have happened 10 years ago, oh my God. I sit there the last two days, last night I sat in the couch and I go, I can't believe I survived that.

Wednesday I wake up the fucking six in the morning, no coffee, water, listerine and toothbrush. I take a shower and I shoot down the Hollywood, whatever UCLA. I see my doctor. He puts a finger up my ass. He does the EKG and then we're talking and I give him a doctor's note like the asshole that I am. I went to see the other doctor two weeks ago. I told him that I know I'm getting something wrong with my right and left leg.

I knew what it was. It was like minor arthritis and he did x-rays and he goes, you're right. It's just minor arthritis. There's nothing really I can do. Just take a leave and stuff and lay off it. Change your habits. Start swimming. Do the elliptical.

Get new orthotics. He's like, do all this shit and his pain will go away. So I go, listen, man, you gave me a test about a year ago to see if I had rheumatoid arthritis and I never went down there. He goes, well, I'll give me another blood test thing. So he gives it to me like a doctor's note. I put it in my wallet and 10 years ago I wouldn't get that note to the doctor. I would have ripped that up like I did the first one.

But give it to the doctor. He was going to do a blood test anyway. I figured they would just take the same blood amount. No, my God. No, thanks, man. And I had to take an HIV test. I just took one. Yeah.

I don't have it. No, no, no, no. The insurance company wanted me to take an HIV. Oh, okay. So I take the HIV test. Let me tell you something. I take the blood test and I have OECOMOva. That's my shit.

I take an iPod and I just blast OECOMOva. I had to play it like twice this time. So I knew they took out blood. I didn't faint. Yeah. He was going to start to squirm my body. I was just thinking with my eyeballs up, doing the halaloo, whatever she taught me and shit.

And I thought I counted backwards and saw myself walking down steps and every step I get more relaxed. And that's all I thought about in Bumo. So I felt the needle going and she put my arm up. But when I went to get up to get my keys and shit, it was like nine tubes of blood. Usually I would have dropped to the fucking floor right there. You puked and fainted. I didn't even turn colors.

Yeah. I just walked out of there. Okay. Wednesday night I come here and we do a podcast. I go home. I sleep like a king. I get up Thursday morning. I got to do a bunch of shit.

I got to go to Jiu Jitsu. I got to spot at the commie store. I'm talking to my wife. There's a piece of toast. She had a piece of egg with one piece of toast. Okay. It was like a little piece of toast and I picked it up. I'm talking about the weather or whatever the fuck we're talking about.

And I stepped down where I have the water cooler and at the same time I bit my tongue. I got my robe on. My robe is blue. Uh huh. I go, I sit down, I look at it, there's no blood. Then something happens. I look at my finger and there's blood on my finger. Okay.

I go, Jesus Christ. Now I'm still typing. I'm writing. But every five or six minutes I got a white blood out of my mouth on my robe. My robe has got chunks of red on it. And by this time 10 years ago I would have fainted. Right. Right.

So finally I put hot water on it. I put fucking salt on it. Yeah. I put an ice cube to it and it slows it down. My wife's yelling on the screen when I go to St. Joe's, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They can't fix it. They put some stuff on it. It stops the bleeding temporary.

Okay. But every three minutes I can taste the blood. Yeah. I'm checking it. Right. Okay. I go home, boom. We go to the fucking farmer's market.

What's that thing? The food trucks. Yeah. We're running the baby. The pedophile's there. I hadn't seen him since last season. He's there with the bubbles. Which one's that?

Oh, Michael Jackson? No. This bubble pedophile. Oh. It was at North Hollywood Park. He has a bicycle. And dog. He has a bicycle now.

I don't know. And again, he only had like five kids, so he got pissed off and he went to the other side of the park. There was more. He's such a pedophile, but he's such a loser. Local pedophile? Yeah. So while I'm sitting there talking to my wife and playing with Mercy, I ate, I ate at,

me and my wife split a cheesesteak. Yeah. And while I was eating the cheesesteak, bro, I look at the bread and it's fucking blood. Bread. And I'm like, oh my god. It's like the French dip place. I run to, yeah, this is like French dip. I run over, I get a bunch of napkins.

This thing's on fire. God damn. That's terrible. I go home, this thing's leaking bad. And it's going, it's gushing guys. It's coming down my fucking chin. I can feel it on the, colloquially on the inside of my lip. I have a gap over here.

The blood was becoming a tooth in there. All right. Like I had to take a toothbrush. Yeah. I had to brush it and chunks of blood were falling out from the top of the ceiling of my mouth. There was collagulation to blood. I figured, let me eat some edibles and I'll put them fucking sleep apnea mask on.

Chew them slow. And the air from the sleep apnea will blow on the tongue and it'll slow the blood down and eventually you'll harden up into a skin. Right, right. Guys, I lay on my back. I'm on my back for maybe 30 minutes. I go to turn on my fucking left side and I can feel the warmth on my face. Oh my God.

Finally, I'm trying to fucking just, you know me, I'm trying to command though. I got to go to Utah in the morning. Right. This will stop bleeding by the time I take the flight. Right. My wife wakes me up and says, Joe, you're gurgling. Get up, get up. I'm down.

Oh my God. You got to go Jimmy Hendry. I got an ambulance. You have to go to the hospital. Oh my God guys, I'm freaking out. Yeah. I get up, I put on the light. I sleep at my mask off and three ounces of blood just falls on my leg all over the bed.

Are you serious? Oh my God. My wife is freaking out, Joe. Of course. You're going to bleed out. You're going to bleed out. I drive myself to the hospital the whole time. I'm taking shits because I'm drinking the blood.

I have diarrhea. Oh my God. I'm bleeding. I got tissue. They take me back there and my blood pressure is 225 over the fucking 400. They give me a blood pressure pill and the guy comes back and he goes, listen, we can't stop the bleeding until like 3330. I go, so I'm just going to bleed to death here for fucking four hours.

That's what you're trying to fucking tell me. He goes, yeah. I said, fuck you guys. I thanked them and I went home and I put a nice coupon and I put the mask on. I slept for three hours when I woke up, guys. They had collagulated all over my neck. Oh my God. The pillow.

It was, if you touched the pillow, it would go, like the blood would come out of it. It was a, guys. Oh dude. It was not good. It's like the shining over there. I put, I wanted to shower and I spit and brush my teeth for maybe 15 minutes getting lulled. It was a, for guys, it was terrible.

My wife's begging me to go back to the hospital. Listen guys, I'm not, you know, I'm not the person I used to be. I got four shells. I got an option. I can milk this shit. It's Utah. I can't push the shells to Sunday. Right.

Right. Miami, you could push the shells to Sunday. Yeah. They're going to show up on Sunday anyway. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But you can't push the Friday shows in Utah to Sunday. My only option was to call Joe Rogan and switch weekends with him.

Yeah. That was my only fucking option. Right. And which didn't make sense at that point either. So I said, fuck it. Let me get on the plane. This guy's a great guy. These people are driving from all over.

I got on the plane with Diego Steno. My, I, bro, they didn't look at my, I hid from TSA the whole time through TSA. I didn't say two fucking words and I could feel it collogulating and my upper lip. I was starting to become frayed out. Yeah. My upper lip was swelling and shit. You're smart. And I walked through security and we're going to that waste basket and spitting and it was

just a, an ounce of blood and I'm going, oh my God, when am I going to get dizzy here? Right. I had paper towels all over me, bundles of tissue, gauze. It was all over my face. My lips at that point were beat red like the Joker. Yeah. Like they had been bloody all night. They were soaking in blood.

Just telling you guys, this is giving me fucking haja. I got on the plane. I'm sitting there guys and, and what's, it's, it's unbelievable that our flight, I get off the fucking plane. I go to urgent care and the guy puts cocaine liquid on my tongue. Really? Yeah. There's shrink something.

I'm starting to faint now. I got to open the door. Dude, that's a good cliffhanger. Cocaine was just introduced. Oh my God. I, I didn't know they had liquid cocaine to stop that. It was interesting because I had a, a piece of my tongue like, I don't even know what it was.

And I've had it for a few years and when I first got it, I wanted to just bite it off or like cut off with a knife because it wasn't that thick. So I thought I could do it. And I told my dentist who did it for me and he's like, have you did that? You would have ended up in the emergency room because the tongue is like one of the bloodiest things. It doesn't clot easy, huh? There's a lot of blood in it.

A lot of capillaries. It's just, yeah, I don't, I don't know the reason behind it, but he used a laser and I was trying to get Joe to go, but he wasn't open until 11. Right. Oh my God. I was thinking about it. I don't, I don't know how you got all that blood. That's crazy.

And so, dude, let's stop it as soon as you put that medicine on it. He put the liquid on it and it held a little bit and then he put a piece of silver on top of it. Silver? You want to come back to the story later? Yeah. Oh my God. To be continued, folks.

When I'm high on TAC, it puts me at, hey, this is the face mechanism right there. It means I'm either going to get C-sec or I'm going to pass the fuck out and tell them the story. That's how fucked up I was. Jesus. Anyway, I'm excited that you're going to Milwaukee. This is going to be fun, man. I haven't been there in a long fucking time.

I was there about two years ago. Always loved going to Milwaukee. Every gig I played, I fucking loved Milwaukee. The first time I went to Milwaukee, I went there. The weirdest thing to do, Mark, at university. Like, who the fuck in those days? Yeah. And it was a horror show.

But I wasn't the only one that bummed. Well, that always feels a little bit better. So, when did I get back from New York? When did I get back from New York? Me? Yeah, because you went a couple times. I was back, the middle of April. I was back.

The middle of April, okay. How do you like that? Because when I was growing up, I was always a dream to live in New York. Like, how do you like... It's really cool, man. It's easy to get around. And there's always something good to eat. Dew or...

Always. No way. No way. Subway. Come on. Yeah, it's not even a thing you even think about. You just do. It's just part of it.

Do you take the bus? I've taken the bus before. Again, I think the audience is suffering without Joey. I think they come here for Joey. And I think we're really fucking milking this shit. To conclude, New York City is easy to get around with and a great place to live. I highly recommend it. It's amazing.

I feel sick all of a sudden. See, I told that story so well, it actually smells like New York in here. Holy fucking shit. I don't know if you listened to the end of the show there. I fucking passed out, man. I came close to passing out. It was like my blood pressure dropped. We had a lot of edibles tonight.

We had the stars, two different flavors. We had the fucking transmission fluid. We had the balls of death over here, the eyeballs of death. We smoked some tremendous reefer. So you know what, guys? I lost a lot of blood last week. My body's still recovering. I went to Jiu Jitsu today.

I ate a good dinner. I took my vitamins. I took my blood. Everything's solid. Before the fucking bite, I went through physical. When I came back, everything was straight. So we're good. But that was fucked up.

That feeling I got, it was because I didn't bite. By telling it to you guys, I relived it. And you relived tasting the blood in your mouth. Oh my god, it was fucking terrible. I don't want to do anything to you, okay? No, no, I'm okay now. Can we talk about it? Now I'm okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm fine. I went through the worst. The worst is done. I've experienced that. I've had experiences with my one where I've gotten lightheaded and I've puked a couple times. For 10 years, Lee, for even longer than that, whenever I went to a doctor, right away my

fucking skin color changed. My blood pressure dropped. Once he talked about needles, I got this fear in my heart. This doctor I have now, since I have a relationship with him, and I've gotten older and more and mature. When he tells me to do something, I kind of do it. Like I started taking my shingle shot. That'll make me pass out like I just did.

Okay. Because I feel a little bit of pain and my panic. So your triggers are pain and blood? Yeah, so when I go for the blood in the arm, I'm so used to it down there. They know me. They know they got to use the kid's needle. They know they can't put alcohol on my arm. I asked for it too, the butterfly needle.

Yeah. So, wow. All right. We won't talk about it no more. So that's what happened, guys. I just passed out from fucking talking about it. It was terrible. That's how I live.

That's why I try to go to acupuncture to get those feelings down. But from time to time, you got to check on with the man. If you got skeletons in the closet, from time to time, you got to check on him. You know what I'm saying? That's exactly what just happened in front of you guys. If you watch the YouTube video, we ended the podcast with me fucking passed out. But this is why I only do the YouTube video. Just end with me passing out.

You guys will listen, get the extra fucking flavor, and you know what would really happen. Before anything, let me give some shout outs here. I didn't forget about you savages, Sean O'Donnell, Gades the Man, Dayton, Peyton, Colin Madden, Tony Jack Mans, Dan Rudolph, Checkin' Up on Me, C.I. Foster, Rich P., and my girl Cleo. I didn't forget about you. You're always icky spooky, the princess Adilu of fucking the church. But no, no, no, bro, I've been going through this shit. There was one particular time, there was a couple of them.

But there was one time when I was going to get my tonsils out, and I went to this doctor on 60th Street between Bergenlein Avenue and like Boulevard East, I don't know, it's a big range. I'll never forget parking with my stepfather, and walking in there, and they sat me down on one of those kids' desks to give blood. Oh my God, at least I had. I must have had an epileptic seizure in front of those people. They took that needle out.

This went on for years, and I would go with the fits and foam from the mount, and turn different colors over the years I've controlled the fucking fears. But it was a mixture of everything, and I think the reefer hit me quick. I think the loss of blood last week, I'm still recovering from that, and I didn't know it. There's a lot of factors here. There's factors, Leigh, you understand me? It's amazing how you interact with your whole life, and do you think it would have been much worse a few years ago?

Probably. Yeah. It always triggers, you always pay for your sentence, so you could either pay me now or pay me later. The other day, I told somebody I was very shocked that I didn't pass out in the shower on one of those days, but I didn't. I didn't, so that was a combination panic attack, and getting high on the reefer, and thinking about what I did with the reefer in me.

That's why I don't go to Jiu-Jitsu when I'm high, or I ain't edible, because I can't handle it, like my body can't handle it. Okay. Choked when you're stoned. We're trying to pass a guard, and huffing and puffing, and you start thinking about your heartbeat. If you eat that, your heart's going to beat double, so I can't control that shit, so at least I know this.

I try to keep it in check, and I... Just do what you can. You do what you can, brother. You know what I'm saying? You try to control this fear that you have. Everyone has fears, man. It sucks. Hey, what are you going to do?

I'm happy. I'm good people. I just wanted to check in with you motherfuckers, and let you know we're fine here. I'm still a little queasy, but this is what you got to do. You got to fucking perform when you're fucking sick, or we got to deliver like the mailman. It's kind of like Richard Simmons, I'm not going to keep him hostage. Anyway, let me give some shout-outs real quick here. For starters, you know me, dawg, I'm lazy as fuck.

Like most Americans, if I could stay in the house and do something, I will. I mean, these days, you can practically, everything on demand, like our podcast at church. You can listen from wherever you want when it's convenient for you. So why are you still going to the post office and dealing with their limited hours, lines, when you can get postage on demand with Snabs.com? I want to introduce you to these guys. Anything you can do at the post office? You can do right from your desk with Snabs.com.

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They work with multiple kinds of packages. I've sent shirts, I've sent stickers. It's been great. And it's easy. They come right to your house. You can schedule that, I think. Yeah, you can schedule that stuff. And I honestly just used to print the labels and I just walk past the line, drop it right

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It shows that Blue Apron families cook nearly three times more often. Okay? Now, there's the beauty about Blue Apron, that you, Lee, how long were you at Blue Apron? You still got it. You still serve it, sorry. I got the best Blue Apron I ever got a while, a couple weeks ago. It had pasta, it had spicy pasta, it had these pitas with Mediterranean beef, and then it had this chicken.

I forget what the chicken was. I forgot now. They got chicken, sweet pepper tostadas, shrimp and squid and spaghetti, which I'd love to learn how to make, and for the family, listen to this. They got roasted pork and aljoba noodles. Are you kidding me or what? They got Balumandi, they got, I mean, they got a tremendous menu this month. They got beef teriyaki stir-fry with sugar snap peas and lime rice.

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I'm sorry I passed out tonight. I'm really sorry. But it fucking happens when you come into the debt of debt, shit's going to go down from time to time. It's been about five, never passed out on the show before, but shit have to happen. That's how we evolve. You understand me? Now we know our limitations.

The next time Lee passes out, what do you think about that? And you've come close a couple of times, Lee. Haven't I passed out once? Never. Never. Don't worry about nothing. You're going to be fine. Anyway, I want to thank stamps.com.

Again go to stamps.com and to Joey, I want to thank me undies, again go to meundies slash Joey and I want to thank blueapron.com, the best delivery service in the country, blueapron.com slash Joey. There you go. I'll see you guys Wednesday night. Be cool. Get ready to rock. Uncle Joey's back bitches, Friday night in Milwaukee, the Turner Hall ballroom with

my man Matt Fultron. That's how long I passed out for. I had to breathe out of my nose for 30 minutes. He had to leave. He couldn't take it no more. I love you guys. See you Wednesday night. Stay black.

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