Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #480 - Becky Dominguez

Episode Date: May 11, 2017

Becky Dominguez, Co Host of the Mat Therapy Podcast and a purple belt under Eddie Bravo and 10th planet, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   This podcast is brought to you by:   DollarShaveClub.com -  get your first month of razors for only $1 with free shipping at dollarshaveclub.com/church   Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/10/2017.


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Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. Break out the fucking fentanyl. Where's Dr. Carl, man? We're going deep today. The proper fall. Tell Dr. Fruckin' Conrad to get down here with the pro-hypnol.

Tumulolz. Tumulolz. Tumulolz. Abumpton. But I do know that I love you. Oh shit. Walk around this town with your head all up in my head. May 10th.

But I do know that I want you. The church who is havin' now. Let's dance, let's shout. Becky on roller skates. Let's dance, let's dance. I said about some math therapy. Shake your body, let's dance, let's dance, let's dance. Let's shout, shout.

Shake your body out to the ground. Let's dance, let's shout, shout. Shake your body out to the ground. Woo. You tease me with your loving, duply heart to head. Michael Jackson. Because I do know that I want you. Say what the fuck you want us to say.

Here we go. Walk around this town with your head all up in my head. Ballastin' kids, whatever the fuck you do. Because I do know that I want you. Shake your body, let's dance, let's shout. Shake your body out to the ground. Let's dance, let's shout. What's happenin' you bad motherfuckers?

Uncle Joey here on a Wednesday night. We're over here in the voodoo lounge in the studio of debt. I'm sorry about Monday night. Listen, I told you I bled to debt. I told you motherfuckers the stories. My brain relived it and I fuckin' passed out. I went down.

Everything came back like 30 minutes later. Lee and I went for a ham and cheese on a bagel. With a fuckin' coke, my body was cramping. You know what, after you pass out like that, you want a soda. I work hard, guys. I've worked for fuckin', it's gotta be 30 years on this passing out situation.

Like I've been actually working on it. Like I dread those times that I won't handle it because that's what happens to me. Like if somebody's bleeding around me, I'm a 50-50 toss up. Are you one of those blood people? You can't, you can't. Yeah, no, no, no, no.

So that's what made me pass out. So you really passed out? Like you legitimately passed out? That night here? Yeah. It was the same feeling I get when I give blood and I, or I get a needle and like, I got a needle once for, I came back positive for syphilis.

When Mercy was, when Terry was pregnant, they gave us these tests and Terry came back negative. I came back positive for syphilis. Oh. So I went back again and they said it wasn't syphilis. Oh, it was like a false positive? It was like a false positive. So the guy goes, listen, just to be safe

that whatever, let's just do four shots. So they give you two shots on each cheek and they gave me the first shot. I didn't see the needle, I didn't hear the needle. I didn't hear it. Just a prick going into my ass. I made him take it out. I fucking was sweating.

My fucking neck starts sweating. Ashley, when I got up from the chair, there was a bead of sweat going down the chair. Oh shit. It's a fear. It's just a fucking fear that I've had and it used to be really bad. Then I started controlling it

and now I know how to control it, but I'm always 50-50. Like my mind knows to shut it off. Look, oh shit. Just don't look at it. I look away and I don't look at it and you never know. This time I cut myself in the shower, shaving or something in a rush. Do you get the same feeling?

Well, sometimes I look at the blood and I'm fine. But sometimes I look at the blood, go out, dry myself. Right? Go, pow, put fucking armpit, fucking soap on, fucking put vizine in my eyes, put my socks on, put my shirt on. And I go in the back and I look at the towel and there's a little bit of blood on it.

I gotta go sit down. I gotta go sit down. So it's a 50-50 fucking torso. And I had a cat, Finney, God bless his soul. I love Finney, but Finney got to know me so much that he knew when I had those feelings. Becky, you cannot call how he knew. So whenever we moved, when we first moved

down this corner here, there was three situations where I fainted within the first year. Really? Yeah, one time I went in the closet and the clothes was hanging, I didn't know that that clothes hides a fucking metal rod. You knocked yourself out. Oh my God.

And I went into that fucking thing, head first, like, you know, like Jack Lambert, and 80, what do you think was holding up the clothes? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, the clothes were here. This metal pole was right here. Okay, got it. Okay, so. An extra pole.

And all of a sudden you had, ding, and I'm holding onto my head and I'm fucking bleeding. And I'm like, I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, I'm not gonna be fine. I run through the living room, I take my shirt off and I put the air conditioner on fucking Alaska. And I sit there in front of this air conditioner until the fucking air conditioner is,

and all of a sudden the cat would jump on top of me. And I love this cat with all my heart. If it was anybody else, I would punch him right in the fucking head and get the fuck away from me. But I would look at him and wanna throw him off me. But just the thought of me going to throw him off him, I sit back and go, mother fuck infinity, and I go, and all of a sudden I go, oh my God,

because I took my mind off fainting, this cat would jump on me and put his claws into my thigh. Oh, so you think about that instead of the fainting? Yes, and it would take me right off. Another time something happened and I was getting sick, I was puking something like oatmeal. Like I must have like a mini stroke or some shit. Something happened, I was puking like this oatmeal,

I'm shitting, I'm puking. And the same thing, I went into the living room, I thought I was gonna faint. I got like food poisoning, and I'm sitting in front of the air conditioner completely naked, sweating, and it's freezing in there, and I'm sweating. Wow, that's a terrible feeling.

That's a terrible feeling, and all of a sudden, he jumped on me with his claws, and he got me right around the dick, like right around, like he put two paws here and two paws in. Oh my God. So you could see like four little holes with his little fucking claws,

and he just, and I wanted to push him again, and again, he healed me. Wow. And then one time I caught myself shaving. Yeah. Fucking crazy. Smart little cat. Yeah, I'll faint in the drop of a fucking dime, guys. Wow.

I fainted at the UFC. Too much blood? Yeah, a towel. From too much blood? A towel. Oh my God. The corner man threw a towel, and it was filled with blood,

and I was with Ralphie May and the, the smaller UFC venues. What's the smaller one, when they used to do the UFC card, like the house, but they'd have like a headliner? It's a younger casino. The palms? The palms.

Oh yeah, they did use, that was a long time ago though, right? And then one time I was watching BJ Penn against big Joe Daddy Stevenson, I went to the commie store, I was out doing commie, I get home, my wife's sleeping, it's gotta be 2008,

2009, everybody's sleeping. I sit on the fucking couch, and I'm replaying the UFC, you know how you replay it, you went out and you missed it at eight o'clock, and it's Joe Daddy against BJ Penn, he kicks him, he hits him,

I don't know what happens. Joe Daddy's bleeding gallons, like me on Thursday night, he's bleeding gallons out of his fucking head, and then the couch, I fainted, and I woke up two hours later, dog, boy fucking drenched in sweat, like I must've lost four pounds of sweat,

because your body goes into this fucking horrible, I've had this disease since I could remember. What about movies and TV shows, like when you know it's fake blood, fuck you? Little bit, the other time I turned on one of my favorite episodes. What about Carrie when they spill all that blood on her?

No, that doesn't bother me. Because you know that's fake blood. Pulp Fiction, when they stick the needle in his heart. Oh yeah. I went out in the movie theater, I was starting the movie theater, the girl I was with put milk chocolate raisinettes in my mouth, that's what made me come back.

She brought me back with raisinettes. Wait, you just went down right in the theater? You went down? A mouth open, drooling from the mouth, shaking like I'm having an epileptic fist. Oh my God. And my friend J. Kyle and me and his girl and the fucking flute I was with.

What about when you all kicked wide in the head? That cut didn't make you crazy? If I was there, and I would've heard the knee hitting the head, and then saw the blood, you understand? Oh really? Yeah, it's different. It's different situations.

Leak and bleed to death, but if I see you bleed, I might feel, you know what I'm saying? Like it's just really weird. The other night. He has to care for the person. I was gonna say yeah, yeah. The other night I'm sitting there, I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking about

an episode of Soprano's. One particular episode, one particular one. After he gets shot, he's at the hospital and he meets the old man that was the foot traffic guy over at Bell Laboratories. And he kept calling him a rocker ship guy. The rapper got shot, and they put him in a hotel room, and then he had satellite TV.

So Tony went in there with the fucking old man, and the rapper and Tratch from Naughty by Nature was in there. He was holding the satellite dish, and it was just a really fucking good episode. But I'm watching TV, I'm like, you know, man, get home. I sit the real cool, you know, this takes me an hour. Cause you know, I'm half retarded. I gotta press this, touch this.

I've got to log back in. TV show, I don't know fucking nothing. I just want to see a soprano. I would pay to watch that, just you'd figure out the TV at like two in the morning. So I get up, I get like some cashews in a cup. I get an apple, you know, I'm ready to watch the fucking soprano.

I'm sitting there, eating this fucking apple. And what do you think happens? The episode opens with him, the stitch. It's after he got shot, so he's at the hospital, and he's talking to a black woman, and she's telling them how much long, and he goes, well, they're going to go to surgery tomorrow. And he's like, surgery again, when they showed that,

I looked the other way, I push away the apples. What about on the Fat Man show? When they're doing the surgery, can you watch that or no? Uh, I have my moments. I don't like that. The laser, the cuts, the fucking, the whole thing. Yeah. Does it ruin the show for you?

Does it upset you? What's that? Like when you get those moments, are you just like, fuck this show? It just really, guys, it's a 50, 50 toss up. You know, listen, I'm sitting on a fucking plane. I'm watching a movie. All of a sudden I go to scratch my face,

and my cuticle's sticking out. And I'll take a fucking bite out of my cuticle. As you can see, I got skin missing, and it'll bleed like a fucking sieve, and nothing will happen. And you're fine. Listen to me, the other night I bled for 24 hours. There was a point where I looked at the tub and I go,

why haven't I fainted yet? And the other night I come in here, high on edibles, which is not always good or any time. That would really push, see, that's another situation. If I could be in here and you cut yourself, I'd be fine, but if I'm on edibles and you cut yourself, that's a different trigger. Like I still don't get high and go to Jiu-Jitsu.

Like it would not even be in my realm. That would be totally disrespectful to me, to Alberto. I don't know why, but seriously, it would be too real for me. You said you feel like you suffocate. Oh no, I die, I die in there. Well, your heart gets going. An edible, no fucking way.

And he says, someone gets on top of you, and it's over. There was a guy today who got on top of me. I could not move this kid, two times at a time. Not only was he big, but he was a wrestler, but he was big, big, big, big, not muscles. Big, you know, I couldn't get him off me. And he was a wrestler?

Yeah, he knew how to wrestle. Yeah, that wrestling pressure. He was doing weird shit to me and stuff. Weird sake-yaki shit, you know what I'm saying? I didn't look like Japanese, and so I was going on meth therapy. It's been a while. It has.

I feel like stained, you know what I'm saying? Like what? It's... I'm over here throwing heat at you, like cats, she got your little pants on with the cats. It's all over the shop. With the cats, yep. Nothing, just doing my meth therapy stuff, podcast.

So for those who don't know, meth therapy covers all realms of Jiu-Jitsu and wrestling. And MMA. And MMA. Yeah. You guys just covered an event in Vegas a few weeks ago. We went out to the US wrestling championships, wrestling open championships, something like that.

It was, I didn't realize what we were going to and how big of an event it was. It was pretty cool. Like we saw two gold medalist wrestlers compete. We saw like the highest level of like competition wrestling out there. It's a different game, isn't it? Oh, totally.

Totally, because you're... Did you wrestle in high school either? No. No singlets for me. I really, really was a wrestler, really was a wrestler. I was on the team, I wasn't good, but... You've chased John Bowman shit, he went there. But you need a singlet.

I might have one in my mom's house, who knows? No, no, no, we had to run, I don't have one. I don't need a singlet yet. A singlet's better than a Speedo. Somebody send Leah a singlet. Wrestling was one of those things that was very big in my high school. My high school was great in New Jersey.

My high school was really good, and they had a couple of state champions, couple guys that went to Lehigh, I think, but basketball and wrestling was in the same season. But afterward, my friend was a great wrestler. One guy, I hung out with three wrestlers like full time. Like I hung out with them, did blow with them, ate pills with them, went to concerts with them,

and they were a fucking weird bunch, but they were crazy. The coach we had was, and they was Tabachino. And you would fucking walk into basketball practice, and these guys would be running stairs. We'd take showers, run back, we'd be walking out, and these motherfuckers would still be running stairs. If you walked into their wrestling room, it was 2,000 fucking degrees before the Hindu came here.

They were doing that 2,000 years before that Hindu came here. They had those wrestlers, this is 70 fucking six. I'd walk in there, you'd bust out into sweat. It smelled like fucking feet in there and asses, and fucking more hill, but it was a shit, a mildew. It smelled like fucking mildewish in there. But way before the guy showed up with the fucking heat, the Indian guy, big room, way before he showed up

with that fucking thing. They were doing that North Bergen wrestling for fucking 20 hours with 2,000 degrees. And like I hung out with, oh no, I hung out with another dude, Diddy Contaro, so I hung out with Crowley, Diddy Contaro, Kurt DeLorenzo, who's dead, God rest his soul, and somebody just put a picture up on him on Facebook, and Darren Rago, who's dead,

God bless his soul. It was his birthday on something, somebody just put a picture up on him. Were any of them smaller kids, like the lower way classes? Darren Rago was five foot two. Oh my God, he was shorting this. He was small, because he showed me the picture with it, he's really buff, so I've always imagined he was heavy.

But he was your size. Wow, wow, because the light guys are always the craziest, or that was always my team, the light guys were like the craziest wildest guys. The light guys? Yeah, like the 103s. Oh, oh, oh. Not all of them, but like there was one in particular

who was, he would do the thing where like, he would jump up and like hit himself before he would do his match. He'd give him a little self all psyched up. That was kind of a bodybuilder. Oh yeah, yeah. That was after, that was after high school, that was, that started his senior year in high school,

because by that time, this is all he did. Rest was all they did was fucking lift weights, these fucking savages. So he just went with it. I still remember in high school, when he showed up in my house that night with a shirt on, he called me up, I'm coming always from Coke, sit tight.

Like I had gone back to school and he was a senior graduating, I wasn't gonna graduate, I was supposed to go to summer school. And I was already thinking about, I'm not gonna go to summer school, I'm just gonna play the hand down. And he was coming home one night on the dog, it's like playing this day, it was like eight o'clock.

I didn't know what I was gonna do that night, I was kind of in a mental, I was in a, one of those people would say that it's complicated. It's complicated. I was in a complicated relationship at the time, I was hiding from the brood. So, I didn't wanna get a G-bow and be out and she'd come in and give me a fucking ear beating.

So I said, should I stay here and I said, he calls and he goes, sit tight, I'll be there in 10 minutes. That's a little more than complicated, I don't know if we have to hide out from her. This is January, this is January too, this kid walked in. I was living downstairs with the runnies and he walks in and he brought like an eight pack of beer and he fucking, you know, he takes out the coke, he put some fucking coke

down, you should make some more fucking noise, Becky. Everybody shows up with a little bottle of water, you gotta show up with Rin Tin Tin, you gotta show up with an oxygen tank that goes to Cuba once a fucking month. Look at you, you gotta open it up, it's got a fucking, it's got an alarm system on it. It's got an alarm, it's a code.

So he showed up at the house, Becky, and we do a couple lines of call, and we drink a couple beers, and he was dying to tell me something. I go, what's up dog, he goes, I gotta tell you something, promise, I can't tell nobody. I go, what's that?

And he goes, hold on, he rips his shirt off, Becky, and he gets on the floor and right in front of me, he just starts doing push-ups. He does about 40 push-ups, he gets on his back, he does a bunch of crunches and shit, then he gets up, he looks at me, and he goes, and he gives me a crab, and he goes, I'm doing steroids,

how do I look, you look tremendous, and all of a sudden he broke down how he started doing them, who he does them with, you know, this whole thing, and it was very interesting. And for months, dog, it was one of the best times of my life hanging out with him, because he was getting bigger every week, and by Sunday he was yoked,

because he would work five days a week, so your big recoup day is Saturday, by Sunday you're yoked, on Sunday you're yoked, you juice up and do, and work out Monday, with like some squats on Wednesday and shit, and fucking Saturday's your day of soreness, but Sunday you get up, you put a little fucking suntan lotion on, it's over,

bitches are melting at the fucking beach on Sunday, right? So was this at a time when you didn't know that steroids were bad for you, or did you guys know, and they just didn't care? I had no idea about the juice at this time at all, all the education I had was from him, another dear friend of mine, but he was the one that was cracking me up that night,

and I got a job right after that bartending, in high school, I got a job on Wednesdays, I wanted to have seven in the morning to bartend, and on Monday nights I went there at six o'clock at night, and bartended till three. In high school? In high school, and he would come in, I would tell him I'll drink, I'll buy you one, you buy one,

you know what I'm saying, so you buy three, I give you four, come on down, don't worry about the tip, I'm gonna steal anyway, so don't worry about nothing here, I'm stealing with both hands here, and after a few drinks and a bump of coke, I could tell this kid right go anywhere, like I'm here for a second, go do some push-ups, show these motherfuckers what it's all about.

Do you understand me, we could be at a fucking bar mitzvah, and he would take his shirt off, and a pair of underwear, and grab it up and fucking this one, this one on for like a year and a half, this was hilarious. Was he working with you, or you just brought him with you when you worked? Wherever I went, wherever there was free beer, we were gonna mangle a package from somewhere.

Somewhere, somehow, we're mangling a bump. What did your bosses say when you showed up with another dude, like, hey, this is my friend, Darren. No, no, no, no, no, no, there was no bosses, there was no bosses, there was a girl like Becky that was there from- He was in high school looking at a bar. Three to seven, and I would come in at the quarter to seven,

Becky would give me the bank, Becky would cash out, and I would take over Becky's ship, there's no bar. He never met the boss. So I'll tell her, yeah, but I tell him, don't come down until Becky leaves, Becky leaves, she sits down, her boyfriend comes together, they have a drink, then Becky leaves. So they would come down like 8.39, that's about by midnight,

he'd be on fire between the alcohol to blow, that steroid going through your heart and shit, and I'd call them over, they'd be like 20 guys, and I'd call them over and go, Riggs, go do some fucking jumping jacks and push-ups, take your shirt off, show these motherfuckers we're here about, and he would do diamond push-ups. He'd get a vein to come on his head,

he'd walk around, he'd walk around the ball with no shirt on, just like, what, bitch? Nobody would say, dick, don't, listen, man, that dude. It was like seven in the morning, they're like, what's happening? That was 1982, I met him in 1978, all right, we met like playing basketball, he played for St. Bridges, and I played for St. Michael's,

and basically it was Lincoln School, who was the fucking crazy school, if you played, not St. Bridges, not a St. Augustine, right there on Kenny Boulevard, I can't remember the name of that fucking place, but they all played there, him, this kid, Fernie, who I went to meet, McShay, they all played there,

and those leagues, you could be in the sixth, seventh, or eighth grade, do you follow me? And if you were Catholic and you went to the High School to church on Sunday, you could play for the fucking team, it was a scam, and you put up at the church, as long as the priest saw you, you were like, boom, you got the fuck out of there, so I stayed friends with him. When I went to Colorado, I mean,

me and him used to rob car stereos, he had a car. Oh, he was a team member too? Oh no, he was family, he had a car that didn't have heat, in the winter time, in New York City, we used to call it the ice box, every time we go in there, you gotta have gloves on and shit, but it was a tank, it was a tank, and once a week, him and I would cut out of school,

and we'd go down to the tunneling avenue, to the Seas and Roebuck down there, right before Chan's dragging in, and we'd make a right in there, and they put displays up for car stereos, like good car stereos, like blop, honking, shit, dog, and I would walk in, Ray go away from me in the car, I would walk in, buy like windshield wiper,

like two windshield wipers for $2.99, and with that same bag on the way out, we'd make up two car stereos, that was our Friday, we had a fucking grandma blow, and we could buy a case of beer, and we had like 60 cash between us, that was my mentality, me and, and one time we went, and we fucking stole

like four car stereos, maybe six of them, and as we were backing out, we hit this fucking car, and there was a guy in the car, but Ray go hit him so fucking hard, that his car was wiggling for like four fucking minutes, like we fucked it up, we fucked that car up, though, we fucked that car up, and the guy was like, no, no, no problems, and shit,

and then we had that rice box till the summer, and when we were graduating high school one night, we were going down the shore, there was this dude, there was this restaurant called Mando's, in Paramus, New Jersey, and the kid's name was Merlot, behind his back, they called him Mort, right? Mort, he was cool as fuck, I love Rob Merlot, but we used to call him Mortage.

What if he didn't know it, if he finds out right now? No, he used to call him Mortage, right, we used to call him Mortage, and he had a great sister, and he was this kind of dude, on Friday nights his father owned this restaurant, so if he needed dough, he'd come up to you and go listen, come meet in my father's restaurant, work from 11 o'clock tonight to seven in the morning,

clean the place, we do a spotless job, you eat whatever you want, just don't touch this shrimp, that's it, just promise me you won't touch this shrimp while I was at it, I promise you. The first thing you went for? The first thing you went for, yeah. Who the fuck did they get dealing with? They got a live lobster, he boiled it,

and he used to tell me, every week I do great, you and Conti come down here, the shrimp disappears, I don't understand this, is that all you guys eat? Let's take this fish, oh you guys, here's my fucking shrimp, we would go there and eat those shrimp, and dip it in those fucking horseradish, Jesus Christ, that would set your ass all on fire.

Would you actually clean? What's that? Would you clean? Oh yeah, yeah, dope, we'd get a grandma blow between four of us, so in high school, we would be 18, we'd get a grandma blow, put it on the bar at Mando's, start snorting, and each of us would start cleaning, and we'd get out of this zip by seven o'clock,

join like motherfuckers, everybody goes home happy, or listen to the savages we were, because this was happening, right there, you get out of 6-6-30, you're already gacked up, you got a couple beers, we'd steal a case from Mando's, put it in the car, and we'd drive down the Jersey Shore. Why didn't he just hire a cleaning crew? It seems like it'd be a lot cheaper than

if the beer, steaks. You have no fucking, it was his son, so he was trying to give his son a little action, give him responsibility and shit like that. That's what you know, home kids? So we go, so one Friday night, he asks us, are you guys going on the shore? And I go, yeah.

He goes, come help, and I go, I can't, because me and Rago are going into the city, and to get a few eight balls, because we had to kill time that night. We had to wait till two o'clock till our friend got out of UPS to drive down the shore. He worked from 11 to two in high school in UPS, and guess what guys, today he runs Seacawks UPS,

one of the biggest fucking districts in the country. Yeah, he got paid too. He had stock options and shit since high school. Since 1980, he's been at UPS. That's how many years? That's 20, that's 37 fucking years at UPS, and he's held every job. He started right there with us.

And on that Friday night, the deal was, go to work, we'll go into the city, we'll buy the four eight balls, whatever the fuck you need, and then we'll bring him over. And our room number one with the icebox was, you couldn't turn it off. Once you got in the car, I had to stay on the whole night. You couldn't turn the car off until you got to your destination, so guess-

The car can't heat itself. Against my better will, I go, Ray, stop at 178, let's get a bag of reefer. If we're gonna go down the fucking, down the shore, let's get some reefer too. In those days, we used to go to 178th Street, maybe 180, and there was a pool hall. And you walk to the pool hall, you walk to the back,

and there'd be a guy with a pool table with 20 different types of weed, 20 different types of packages. You tell him what you want, you give him the cash, they'd buzz you out. Boom, nobody said nothing. We'd go up there, the guy gives us papers, I go in the car, we roll the number,

on the way down, I get Ray go tuned up. Between 180 and 135, we're fucking tuned up. The good thing about 135 in those days is that the, there were Dominican Colombians at that time that were downstairs, but on the corner, it was a bodega. And Becky, they had, like, Batali. You know what I'm saying? It was the heart of fucking the Upper West Side.

So that's what we did to not make us look like assholes. We'd walk into the bodega first, and buy a piece of chicken, or whatever, so we weren't just walking around that neighborhood at the Cospolo, what are you three white dudes doing here? Right, right, right. I'm getting chicken up the fucking corner. Do you have the chicken from the corner, officer?

Fucking stealth, you know, you're throwing them off. You're just not walking out like a fucking idiot, like people do today. I go to the Wheat Store and there's people parked in front of the Wheat Store, go for a fucking ride. You didn't ever buy weed before, go for a fucking hike. You're over here advertising, there's a red right there. Go for a fucking ride around the corner.

Well, he's in there, you're supposed to go buy booze, papers, condoms for your dirty ass, fucking lighters, whatever else you need, razor blades. So yeah, we went, we parked across the street, already we made a U-turn, like we were gonna go right back to the Jersey side, to the bridge. I don't know what, in those days it was 250 and eight ball, I probably had like 1100 pounds on me.

I was just gonna give him 1100 and make me, give me whatever the fuck you got. It was a downstairs disc attack. I walk downstairs, boom, I go downstairs, bunch of people dancing to Spanish music. The guy's a horrible DJ, he's going from like, Spanish music to, that's the way, uh-huh, and it's not working, he's scratching the albums,

worse than I do, he is. But wait, at 18 you were spending 1100? It wasn't my money, it was your money, Becky's money, my money, so we're all getting an eight ball. We could throw a gram on that, get four and a half, and sell it, our gram for fucking $100, I mean, we each keep a half gram, and we could party, you know what I'm saying?

Whoever stays up the longest could hang out with Becky late night and shit and talk to her, and say a couple things to her, you know what I'm saying? Say a couple things? Sure. That's the next rule. They had a whole business going, basically. So, we're stoned in front of them,

I'm getting ready to get the fuck in there without even knowing, at 1130 at night, in the heart of Harlem, in June, on a 90 degree night, Darren Rago turns the fucking ignition off. And as he's doing, I go, did you just turn the fucking call? And he goes, oh shit, I forgot, I go, oh shit. No.

Ain't nobody gonna stop and give you a jumper. You need to jump it every time? Yeah. Oh no. Did you just abandon the car? No, I can't walk in to these fucking savages downstairs, who just plays doubles as a chicken then, you know when they have chickens

and they fight in the daytime? Sure. It doesn't the daytime and at night they put the stage down and people like, you know, go in there and dance and they sell blown in the back. It was classic, so I can't ask them to come out. This is their spot here. This is their spot.

So, there's no way I could go in there and ask them to jump the cables. And by the way, I need to jump. So, I walk the fucking there, I salute everybody, they don't know me, hello, how are you doing, man, how are you? Oh shit, Cubans here, you know, you get to talking, you had to go into a little DJ booth and the guy had a scale right there

where the DJ booth was. That's how wide open it was. And the door had to be open because he would stick his hand. You see the door on top here? He would niche it out and he would put blow up there. And he would take out the bag and go, what do you want, 35, 20, I want an eight ball. As a matter of fact, here's a lemon on the nose.

And he had an assistant who came in and the assistant would get the fucking aluminum foil. In those days, they still gave it to him big aluminum foil. So, he would go, what do you put in there? One with dowel as an eight, buyer. He would cut out aluminum foil, perfect for an eighth. So, that night we filled it up,

he gave me like six aluminum foils. I had more aluminum foils than fucking aluminum foil. I walk out there, I fucking go to the corner. Now, the bodega, they got a dog that's tied up in front of there. You got to walk past the dog that's tied up. Is it like a nice poodle, like a cute little dog? Is it like a guard dog or what?

It's like a German shepherd that was raised in Harlem. He got hit by cars like eight times. Nobody gave him love. They got tied up up there and throws them scraps and calls them fucking racial slurs and shit. You know what I'm saying? It's one of those type of dogs, it's angry at life. If you're gonna walk in for that,

but then you gotta walk past that fucking dog. They had to get business. So, you have to walk up to the corner, walk down, and then creep into the store in the back. And hope the dog ain't fucking watching. If you think I'm fucking crazy, I go in there, I buy some patelito, got a couple of cocoa ricos. Is that what you do when you're on the Upper West Side?

Hang on, I would fucking Spanish people. I walk back across the street, I give Darren a cocoa rico, a couple of pateles. I start eating them. I go, Darren, how are we gonna start this fucking car? He goes, bro, every once in a while, the car takes and I start it and we can get the fuck out of here. He goes, I just want to tell you, no.

He twisted it, didn't fucking take. No, I'm gonna run a 135th Street in Amsterdam with fucking, I don't know how many grams of blow on us in a fucking car, two kids with New Jersey licenses. So, if a cop comes by, are you fucking crazy? What are you doing here? What the fuck are you doing here, you dumb motherfuckers? You guys have drugs?

No, we don't. Let me check the fucking car. Don't make me go get a fucking dog. You know, that type of shit. You're dead, you're dead. You're sitting there like, so I told him, I said, we're dead, so we got two choices. We got two choices here.

We could sit in here until the fucking cops come, which is no air conditioner, no heat, the car's got nothing. We got the windows open, or we could go for a fucking hike and go sit on the corner, stash the blow. And from that pay phone, call UPS and call Stinky and tell him what's going on here, he's gotta pick us up. And that's exactly what we did.

And we had to sit on that fucking corner with the blow hidden in a garbage can till Stinky came over, got us, jumpstarted our car, and then Stinky, who loved fried chicken, kept saying, I gotta go in there. And I'm standing on the corner, every time he'd go into the fucking bodega,

I'd yell at the dog. What the hell, the dog would bite Stinky. And Stinky would, stop, man, stop. I didn't do nothing because Stinky. Would he show up in a UPS truck? No, at this time, no, he was, at this time he was, at this time he was a loader. At that time, you start as a loader from 11 to two,

and you have to touch a certain amount of boxes every hour to get braces. 11 p.m. to 2 a.m. Okay, that's not bad. When you were senior in a junior in high school, that's not a bad job. No, it started off at like 10 an hour. Oh, that's, oh my gosh.

Back then? Yeah, Monday through Friday, yeah, it was 1982. Monday through Friday, no insurance. And then, he worked there for two years, and he got hurt. And by that time, he had insurance, workman's comp, and we used to drive out to fucking the doctor once a week, and he'd get checked down, he'd get pills. We'd eat the fucking pills.

There were muscle relaxers, they didn't do dick, but we still ate them anyway and shit. My God. But this kid, Ringo, I'm telling you about, here's the funny thing, that me and him lost contact. He got in deep, I got in deep, I got locked up, and we rekindled our relationship, like in 1991 on the phone, and we got really tight,

and then I went back to Jersey, and this guy was fucking crazy. Like, he was one of the few people that was as crazy as I was, like, let me give you an example. In 90 and 84, there was a cocaine craze in that whole area. There was a cocaine craze across the country, but there were some Colombians who were going to New York City, and they were taking this nicotine

out of the cigarette, half of it, and they would put cocaine in it, and it wouldn't burn right, so people started using, at that time, they were going through everything, they were going through free-braze cocaine, they were going through, which is just the rocks and the pipe and shit, but you have to cook the rocks yourself with baking soda, and that being said,

it's a bunch of fucking trauma. A lot of work for the bang, and you go through thousands of dollars, but these motherfuckers figured out that you could get a cup of coffee, you know, a cup, you have a can of home of coffee, a mug of coffee, you put four fingers of water in there, you put a gram of fucking coke in there, and you put a little teaspoon or two of baking soda,

you put that in your microwave oven, you put 28 seconds, it comes out. You go in there with a spoon, take out that little chunk of white shit, you crack that motherfucker up into a little powder, you take reefer, you cut that up, you get fucking a rolling paper, you put the weed in, then you take that fucking coke,

and you sprinkle it in that joint, and you fucking tight that joint up real tight, and then you get a lighter, and you cook the cocaine in the joint with that lighter underneath it, you just keep going like this until the paper looks like an old newspaper. That means that the coke melted in, and they used to call them bazookas.

All right, so everybody in New York was smoking bazookas. That was a lot of work. Bro, but people were taking that, listen, these are savages with high like hot chick, like New York City, Becky, what are you doing tonight? Nothing, listen, Becky, I've had a crush on you for a long time, what if I gave you 500 for three hours,

and you packaged little packages of bacon soda topless, would that work for you then? And you're like, what the fuck, I ain't doing nothing better with my life, you go down there, and you just wait, they would just, you know, they'd get girls, they'd get whatever they could, guys would just go, you know, I'm gonna cook bazookas,

I got an ounce of coke, and you would go to somebody's house, and they'd be there, somebody would be there all night, putting coke and bacon soda in the microwave, and every time you heard bing, your whole body would stop, Jesus Christ, when is he gonna stop binging, you know what I'm saying, these are too many fucking bings.

What does his name per se, with like, if you live in an apartment, and there's like, I don't know, all night, every like minute, you're bing. And it smells like that, but here's the professional D was, one night, I'm driving on a catty bullet, like, the sack to the gills with somebody else,

and I look up, and I see a guy carrying a box, and I look at my bag, and I go, that looks like Darren, and he goes, that is Darren, we pull over, and I look at the box, it wasn't a box, it was a microwave oven. With the cord and everything? With the whole cord, and I go, why do you have a microwave oven?

He goes, listen, I don't wanna go to somebody's house, and they don't have a microwave oven, and then we got a problem, you know what I'm saying? So instead, he goes, the last two places I went to party, they didn't have a microwave oven, and that's bullshit, who don't have a microwave oven? He had a microwave oven. He carried one everywhere.

Like, he was yoked at this time, but that same dude, it was funny because the night, last week I was in Utah, and before the late show, I got on stage, and I told him, like, out of the blue, I just told Darren, wow, what the fuck would Darren think? That's what I said to myself, and I got off the stage, one home guy on the plane came home, no bigger deal, the kids were home, my wife, we played,

they went to church, I got on Facebook, and when I opened Facebook, it was a picture of Darren Reagan, and he would have been, it was his birthday. His cousin put the picture up, me and his cousin are tight. His cousin put the picture up, and guys, it was like somebody grabbed my lung, like I just couldn't breathe for a second when I saw that picture, like,

you don't see people for a long time, like just to see his image, he was there, yoked, smoking a cigar, and my lung stopped, you know. And you know what, bro, he had his little situation in his life and stuff, but this is something a lot of people don't know about him. When I first got into comedy seriously, the guy who pushed me the most was that lunatic,

and he did some crazy shit at the comedy clubs. He did some crazy shit at the comedy clubs, man. One time he made a dude put me up on stage, like he walked up to the dude, he's like, you put him on stage, I'm gonna fuck you up right here and shit, and the dude went up on stage and said, somebody just came up to me and said,

put this dude up, it'll fuck me up, like shit like that. Oh my God. Do you think you had a moment like on Celia, where she's like always seeing her mom, and then she sees her mom when she passed away? Do you think that thought of him was like kind of a... No, because I've been trying to see people for 30 years. The last time I saw a spirit, I was about four, five.

That's the last time I thought I saw a fucking spirit, but I was also four. Who did you see? When you're four, you see a lot of creepy fucking shit in your mind. At that time, I was fried bananas. My father had died, my father was died for it. I was fried bananas.

Yeah, my mind was fried bananas. Your father goes out one night and never comes back, when you're a kid, then you're his fucking right hand. So something, I was broken as it was. And one day I told my mom, I go, listen, I saw a spirit in the kitchen, which I really did. I got up in the middle of the night and I saw this fucking image in the kitchen,

and they had like a fucking jacket on, and he turned around and that's it. And I just stood there for a second to the hand, and my body stood, and that was it. I never fucking saw a spirit again. 50 years later, still haven't seen one. I've been waiting. I've been waiting for somebody to show up

and tap me in the shoulder in the middle of the night and talk to me and shit. But even just having thought of him could have been kind of... No, and that's why I counted for it. So as I saw that picture, I go, whoever tells you no, my best friend, Jimmy Burkle, he's the one I came out to Colorado with.

He was, me and him were tight. He was a great dude. I was very lucky to have him in my life. I learned a lot how to be a friend from him. But he was in the hospital with cancer, and I kept calling his cell phone. You know what I'm saying? I couldn't get a hold of him.

And I knew it was just a matter of days before he was gonna die. And I got a call from him Friday. He called and he fucking pretty much told me goodbye. And the next day, he was gone. And I'm like, at least he fucking called. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, something makes people do something like that.

When Carmine Balzano died last year, the morning he died, he called me. When I was calling him back, he didn't answer. And I knew, and a week later, they go, Coco, we looked at his phone, you called him. You called him 10 minutes later. He must have died right after he hung up, which is fucking creepy.

What if he would have said, hello? Coco, I was thinking about any hang-ups or phone, he'd fucking died. I believe no, because I've seen and felt creepy fucking shit, you know? It's not on that level. What about deja vu? And it's not, for me, it's not usually with big things.

It's like little conversations or things I've seen before. But it just, like, it happens a lot. And I don't think it's stuff that happened before. It's just really, I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy, but it happens to me every few months. Really? Yeah, at least every six months or something, yeah. It used to happen to me a lot more when I was younger.

And then as I got older, I got out of the deja vu business. But sometimes on an airport, sometimes just at weird places. I think about it. It's like walking down the aisle of the grocery store. Yeah. And you'll have one, something random. The creepiest thing, before my mom died, right across the street, the house that I robbed,

like four times, running the Puerto Rican dude Rudy and the speakers and shit. I know. Well, I don't know where some other lady moved in there. And she was a crazy human lady. How crazy is that? And she was a black human chick. And not a tractor or anything.

She was like in her 50s and stuff. And this is a fucking hilarious story. She would, how big thing that was that she passed and went between, she passed the spirit. Like every couple fucking nights a week, you know. You would hear yelling and screaming. She'd be out there, bobo, yelling and stuff. Like saying fucking African stuff.

How did your white Catholic neighbors like that? Well, it's like embarrassing my mom. My mom's like, I don't know this fucking lady. You know what I'm saying? That's okay. Why do you, you know, because she was Cuban. So my mom would open talk to her and stuff. And one night dog, this fucking, I'm coming up the corner

and she's out and her daughter's like a spirit come back in the house. Oh my God, she talks to it like a dog? No, like she would talk to her like the spirit. Like she knew it was a spirit in her mother's body. Her mother would be up there barefoot, walking on glass and shit, yelling in African terms. Like out in the street, the spirit that entered her

wanted to go outside and yell at people and talk to people. Oh my God. And I'll never forget this knowing. I saw her, I was 15, 16. I didn't make eye contact with her. I kept walking up the hill and this bitch started yelling. I mean, like, oh, oh, oh, like in this weird language.

She crossed the street half way. And as I was putting my, in those days, I could either walk up those three stairs or I had the garage keys. I could put my key in the garage. We had the old school, you just pick up the garage. You just pick up the garage. She says, but she goes, hey,

your father has a message for you. Dog, I shut that fucking garage door, ran upstairs. I mean, you know, shit like that. You didn't stay for the message? You didn't get the message? No. What was the message? I didn't stay for the message, but my dead dad of fucking 10 years,

he's really gonna send me a message, guys. Well, how would you know your dad wasn't alive? This is the question. So I'm saying you should. This is the question that has always haunted me. I never told my mom. I never told nobody, you know, shit like that happens.

Sometimes do you ever believe in lucky coincidences? Always, yeah, let's have a life. Yeah, you know, so lucky coincidences. Oh. I don't wanna see a spirit. I don't wanna go to a fucking seance. When I was a kid, I grew up around that. I grew up on that side of Cuban stuff

because they always felt that since my dad had died, he was kind of to like at night, there's nights Mercy crawls in the bed with us. And it's a long fucking night of sleep. She likes to sleep. She sleeps sideways, but it's not that. It's how many fucking times she moves in her sleep. So like if my mom was still alive and saw that,

by now she would have to see this old lady who was through cards for her or fucking seaweed seeds and told her what botherin' this little girl. And it could be a relative of 10 years. It could be somebody who's not lettin' this child sleep. Nine out of 10, they just make you put a glass of water under the bed. And that works?

Number one, they make you put a glass of water under your bed and if you talk in your sleep, you have to put your right slipper over your left slipper. I've never heard that one. That's as deep as Cuban as it gets. So for these motherfuckers, let's say you're banging the fucking boss and your husband don't know, you don't wanna talk in your sleep, do you?

So you put the right shoe over the left shoe. Oh my God. If your husband tells you talking in your sleep and you're sucking the boss's dick, you gotta put the right shoe over the left shoe and you'll be fine. Oh my God. That's how fucking Cuban superstitious my family was.

What about? We had a few of them, but not that. What about like the whole animal sacrifice part? Like did that mess you up as a kid? I mean... It was a secret that I had amongst myself. I never told none of my friends. But then as I grew up, I learned about all these other,

in Israel, they killed you. Yeah, they swung them around by their necks. It's great, it's creepy as well. Everybody somewhere around there has to kill something. A goat or an animal. In Cuba, they sacrifice goats, pigeons. Every God requires a different animal. Yeah, they used to, in the Bible,

there's sheep and all that stuff. Right, there's no cats, there's no fucking dogs, there's no fucking gorillas. Monkey, yes. Monkey, yes. Some saints require a monkey. That's a cute monkey. Yeah, some saints require a monkey,

but not like every fucking day. And who's got money for a fucking monkey? You know what I'm saying? These people trying to get their life together, now you gotta throw a curveball out of them. They ain't gonna... They ain't gonna even get to keep it and do fun monkey things with it.

And anyway, you gotta get like a little monkey and kill him and shit. My friend had a monkey in his bathroom one time for santeria purposes. When I was about eight, he was a gay dude. I don't know what his name is now, but fucking years ago, I'd never forget that dude. You couldn't go to the bathroom.

I was like, hey, I'm there with my mom in my fucking santeria and godmother. And she's like, Coco's gotta pee, he needs to go to the bathroom, he can't go to the bathroom. Can't go to that one. There's a monkey in there. I'm like, there's a monkey in there.

He's like, you wanna see him? He opened up, he had like blue hair and shit. I ran the fuck out of there. Like, what do you want to do with the monkey? He goes, the saint wants a monkey. Fuck you. You got him from like the shampoo testing places when they were done with them?

I don't know. I don't know where the fuck they got him. What do you think I'm gonna ask questions about that? I don't know how else a monkey would have died in blue hair. I was fucking seven. All I wanted is a fucking gold piece and get the fuck out of here. And they're fancy monkeys that have blue hair?

I'm sure there are. Yeah, there must be something. They're like, you know, birds. They're coming different colors. The animal stopped it and bothered me. Oh, I see how you're asking me. At first, I didn't have to really look or be involved. And then the more I went as a child,

you have to, you know, like I rose in rank. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like I rose in rank. Well, they're not gonna show like a three year old like the thing, but they must. Now, all these things I went there for, I understood what was going on.

Do you understand me guys? I understood. I knew at the age of six, Becky, that I wasn't like regular kids that were six. I knew something wasn't right. I'm not gonna tell you, I knew it was my dad. I knew something was missing. So when I hooked up with my godmother at the age of four,

I liked her. Like I liked her. She never said nothing to me about Santa Maria. She would tell me stories about Catholicism. Okay, and how they've wrapped up with Santa Maria. And the stories were great. Then she showed me her saints and I said to her, and she goes, because when you were a kid,

you liked the fucking beads. You follow me? So you like the beads. So I would get like a bead and then she'd tell me the story of that saint. And that's how I got involved with it. And then on Sundays, if I was there, she'd be cooking like, you know,

but her job was to fucking people would come there all the time to do services. So when I wasn't with her, I'd be outside playing and I would walk in there from time to time and they'd be killing the goat or fucking a lamb or a couple of chickens or a pigeon or a turkey. They'd kill a bunch of different birds.

And in those days, they used to drive to Marlboro, New Jersey to pick up the animals, which was like a three hour drive, four hour, it was like a half a night drive. And they would come back and then then when I got into the religion, that was where it was fucking wild. It was wild.

The animals, like the, you know, the night that you got initiated, there's a lot of animals, dog, you know? Yeah, yeah, sheep. They got a couple of them, the ones with the horns, the ones without the horn, maybe the saint wants the horns, you know, it's fucking crazy.

Did they sacrifice them all for you? Not for fucking me. Oh, I thought it was for like the ceremony. The ceremony, yeah. And after me, it was for the ceremony. But you have to be up all night. It was tremendous. So this day, I sit there and I'm like, wow,

I can't believe I sat there and I enjoy it. I still remember getting out of there, going to school on Monday, they wouldn't let me go to school with a white hat on. Why? Because the school teacher said, you have to take your hat off. And I was completely bald.

And my mom went in there and went into the room and the principal gave him like 500 bucks. You were wearing a hat. And I was wearing a fucking hat in school, but that's simple, fucking crazy. No, it seems like a sanctuary is like a personal, like are there churches or is it all like your family and your friends form little groups?

I was raised in the old school santeria. When you keep it to yourself, we're not on bicycles selling. Not knocking on doors. Yeah, we're not knocking on doors. In my world, in my world, it's not like I loved it. I knew it was me. I love going to Catholic church.

I love all that shit. But at the same time, I never thought I wanted to make a living doing it. Like not at one point in my life. Well, not even a living. I just meant for like the santeria aspect of it. Was there, are there churches where you can go and do these ceremonies?

I don't know. I don't know. They're probably more like at people's houses. Yeah, that's us. Yeah, it's people's houses. Right. Okay. There's no, I don't, I've never heard of a church,

like a place to- The only church I've heard of is a church of what's happening now, cocksucker. You know what I'm saying? Nice segue. Fucking, that's the way to do it. That's my girl Becky from Matt Therapy and shit. What else has been going on?

You're at yourself, you're preparing for EBI? I'm for the qualifier. Yeah. What is it? June, like 11th or 12th? You got a month. I can't, I just- Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot,

toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot. I was, I was perfect, you're not at her door at 6am Joey. Just with like the golf cart to like, make her run. Eggs to swallow. Look at, look at Becky's pants. I know. If you're at Becky's house at 6 in the morning,

ain't gonna watch her run. You know what I'm saying? It's to watch her fucking do jumping jacks or something like that. It's all creepy in the corner, Becky, just do jumping jacks, that's what it's all about. You're just sitting in the corner. And just watching sweat, you know what I'm saying? We've been doing jumping jacks for six weeks, Joey, what's going on?

It's a shame, you're working really hard. I could feel in your voice when we spoke the first time. It's a lot, it's a lot in your body. I mean, I was training four days a week, jujitsu four days a week, and then strength and conditioning three days a week. That's a lot, man, that's a lot. Finally, I had a muscle just say, fuck you, and I'm not doing this anymore. You know, jujitsu, like sometimes I go jujitsu two weeks in a row.

I go three times, plus that Sunday, which is light. And guess what, like it catches on there. You feel it, you know? You feel it. And then I have to stay at home and work out a day and stretch a little more and stuff. But four times a week, that's a big time commitment, man, that's big. And eventually, the more times you go, the higher the percentages of you hurting an arm, getting a hand.

They jacked up my wrist today. He caught me on this roll, this kid, and tucked my wrist in. It was, I could feel the wrist about to just fall off. He was going to take it with him and shit. That bolt will break right away from that skin. The funny thing, I didn't even get hurt doing jujitsu. No, no. I was doing like a simple workout and just.

So how much longer do you rehab it? Don't get better. It feels better. Where'd you guys do the podcast last week? LA Jujitsu Club. And who did you interview? The guys from LA Jujitsu Club. Joey Haas.

Joey Haas, yeah. Eric Medina. Eric, Eric showed up later, so he wasn't actually on. Well, I'd like to congratulate. You got engaged in Hawaii to Bonnie Staley. He did. I'd like to congratulate Eric Medina and Bonnie Staley. They got engaged in Hawaii over the week.

Oh, just yesterday and the day before. Today, I think even. I think today. If you're in fucking LA to watch comedy and you like the role, check out the LA Jujitsu Hotel. It's cool to fuck Joey Haas is up there. Medina. They got another guy from Ten Plans up there.

You go up there two in the morning and there's people fucking rolling. Pretty much. Yeah, it's 24 because one of them works in the morning and one of them works nights. Yeah. So there's always someone there to be able to run the show. They have like 7 a.m. classes. They, isn't like the dining room just mats now? Yeah.

That's crazy. That's how it's always been. They have like a living room area with some couches and then the dining room is all mats. They have a lot of rooms. They have a pool. They have like a lot of sponsor people like me. Yeah. They've had teams stay there.

So it's at the LA Jujitsu Club. It's pretty cool. Yeah. It's pretty awesome. It's like a little hostel and you don't have to go anywhere. And they'll leave. Now they even like take people to training at certain places. Like they'll take people to HQ.

They'll take people to Jean Jocs or wherever they want to go. And here's what else I love about Jujitsu. It's pretty cool. I watch a lot of the guys. Mm-hmm. I watch it though. Sometimes I roll twice and I know my limitations and I'm not going to roll four times. Yeah.

I'll take a roll off and I'll roll the third time until the class ends. Yeah. And then you go right into a warm up. You follow me. But here's the beauty. Well, I'm sitting against the wall and I'm breathing. I'm watching. And I'm watching the guys.

So you start getting really strong in Jujitsu. Your body starts to get adjusted to it. Mm-hmm. And all of a sudden you start getting stronger, which means that you start going a little harder. Yeah. I see the progression. You get comfortable.

And then one day you see them come in with a bandage on their fucking head or a fucking cast on their arm or a knee with whatever. And you're like, what happened? I was here rolling one night and they popped my knee on a leg lock and you sit there and go, you know what? And it's funny. I've been watching these guys. How the system goes and it's like you come in, you love it, you know, there's limitations

and then one day you break away from your limitation and you're in that Jujitsu Paula every time, every day, every class. You don't miss a fucking class. You love it. You eat, breathe, whatever you get to. And you get strong. And at that time you're getting stronger and stronger and stronger. And once you get that first belt, Jesus fucking Christ, if you thought you loved it before,

you're loving it now. As a matter of fact, you're not going to go back to work. You're going to get your pension, your 401k, you're just going to fucking train. You know, it's the fun. And all of a sudden you start getting more and more involved, which you're supposed to. Which you're fucking supposed to. Well, Becky, I mean, you obviously still work. You've had a few different jobs since I've known you and haven't you decided to focus

more on Jujitsu than on that aspect of your life? Yeah. I went through the exact same path that he basically just talked about. I had the job that paid well, just didn't leave me time to train much. So I had to get something that would allow me the time to spend. And then little by little, I just got more and more consumed. I wanted to do more, not just Jujitsu. How else can I involve it?

You know, I think of being 21 to 28 and wanting a job that paid a lot of money because the primary focus was money. But at the time I got on stage the first time I was 32 or 31, I knew that money wasn't necessary. It took me all those years to realize that I was chasing the wrong fucking dream. You know, I had a high school education, couple of semesters in college, who the fuck was I kidding? You know, I could sell my ass off, whatever you got. I'll take a job against your little college students, I guarantee, I'll smoke these bitches.

I'll smoke them and smoke them over. They won't know. They're coming in here with a fucking degree in business. I'll eat them up. The last four years I've been selling belly to belly sales, bitch, cars, pipes, bazookas, grams of blow. I'm hitting you from every fucking aspect. You're getting postcards on your birthday, you know what I'm saying?

I'm that dude. So what the fuck are we talking about? Anyway. No, no, no, I'm sorry. When you realize that comedy you do it for? Yeah, that you fucking, one day you go fuck it. I want to do what makes me happy, you know? And the rent, the $2,000 car payment, I'll fucking sell the car and get myself a car.

Off a fucking bicycle, okay? Because all I need to do is go to Jiu Jitsu, my job is three blocks away. You start downsizing. Yeah. You know what? That two bedroom, I don't need it. That bedroom, I don't need no fucking office, telling the landlord to put me in a fucking studio.

You know? And then all of a sudden, on and on, you just learn limitations. When I left Boulder in 95, the car was what I could afford. The car cost me $600 fucking dollars. That was going to be my apartment, my office for life. That was my investment. That was the last of every fucking dime I borrowed for fucking that car. I didn't care.

My rent was $35 a month for the pager and gasoline. I had a pager. That's how you got to hold on me. That's it. There was nothing. I got a calling card for $10. When you're trying to make it work, that's all you need. That's it.

What are you going to do for comedy? What are you going to do? How much are you going to make in the beginning? You're scrapping on fifties. If you could pop together three fifties, if you could pop together six fifties, what's that? That's 300. That's it.

That's the first month of comedy. Welcome to comedy, cocksucker. What are you going to do with $300? That's gasoline. You have a couple cocktails. Maybe one night you get a hotel. Your sister puts you up for three days, you know, because you get breaks in between. Yeah.

The same thing happens there. And they tell you after like a week and a half, so what are you going to do? Are you going to get a job? You're like, not really. I want to do this. I want to do that. Thanks for the time. Yeah.

I want to be a comedian. And they look at you like, are you fucking crazy? It's not going to work out. That's a long road. Any road you're going to take is going to be fucking long. You know? Look at your wife now. She's got to drive the fucking bull-height starting on fucking Monday every day.

It's going to suck, yeah. What are you going to do? You know, that's where you start. You're going to rush out of traffic. That's where you happen. In 20 years, she'll take the helicopter to the bar. Yeah. I mean, I can't tell you how great it was not having to drive the 405s twice a day.

Yeah. I did that for two, three years. That was terrible. That was awful. That's the other option. So, yeah. So you got options here. Yeah.

And both of them are fucking bad. Yeah, yeah. So you got to pick what's your worst poison. What's the one that's going to kill me and least amount of fucking time? At least I'll enjoy the death. Yeah. I already had a very interesting podcast, and it was with someone who was with in Thailand, like an Australian guy who has been running like a cave hotel, almost like a cave exploring

hotel in Thailand for 30 years from Australia, just never left Thailand. And it's weird. They were talking about why do you spend all that time at work to pay for all that stuff if you can't do or see anything. You can't enjoy it. So, I mean, how did your parents react to you lowering your job or changing your focus? My mom still gives me a hard time. Yeah.

All right. My dad, you know, he's do what makes you happy kind of person, but my mom to this day, every she's, when are you going to get a job? When are you going to get the, you know, she thinks I need to get a, you know, Monday through Friday nine to five job that has insurance. Does she send you like job postings? She did once. Thank God she doesn't do it that often, but she did send me one.

She's like, did you see it? And I ignored it in like two weeks later, I talked to her and she goes, by the way, did you see that job listing that I sent you? Like, yeah, but I ignored it. I'm just thinking about when I made that decision. Like I was like, wow, I'm separated now, you know, they're not going to hire me as a Rufa no more. They told me they were moving the company back to Jersey.

That meant a lot of money. I went to the other roofing companies in the area and they offered me half of what I was making as a Rufa. And I'm like, wow, I'm fucking dead. Like I'm dead. I'm like, I go back and sell cars, but I go, you know what, I really want to do count. I just started selling shit, dog. I just went all out.

I knew what I didn't want anymore. Fuck this. And that was it. You just downsize the start all over again. I was living on a recall from June of 95 to fucking. I had that car to probably 96. Then they told that motherfucker up in, up in Seattle, Washington. They told your home.

Yeah. No, no, by that time I had an apartment. Oh, okay. But the fucking bumper has fallen off it. It was a Datsun dog, a four door Datsun that was a tank of debt. That car had taken me from Colorado to Baltimore, probably eight times Colorado to Michigan, probably 10 times. And then over and over and over and over from Colorado to a Washington state down

through Oregon, zip over California back to Colorado. You know, and all this car ever needed was for me to fix the radiator every one someone put the metal in there so it wouldn't leak. The only thing that this car needed was little oil once a week. Gasoline and love. This car, 600 bucks, bro. This car was at I couldn't even believe it.

One time the frame broke. The fucking frame broke in Ogallala, Nebraska. All right, I was coming back from Michigan. I had picked up $450 for three days at Joey's Comedy Club in Dearborn, Michigan. That was one of the most embarrassing situations in my fucking life because I met a woman when I was in Michigan and stuff. And I lingered up and I lingered there till Monday. And at that time I was whatever old I was.

And by that time my shoulders are starting to hurt. I wasn't at that point. Once I left Boulder, I had a weight set in my living room, so I lifted weights every night after comedy or before I went out to do comedy. I did basic stretches, bent over rows. I didn't have dumbbells or a lat machine, but I did bent over rows and all that stuff. Well, after I moved out of Boulder, my shoulders started hurting because of lack of activity. And I'll never forget that in Michigan, I saw a place to sit in a massage and I pulled up.

And I guess I ring the doorbell and this is how dumb I was back in there. One of the girls, the girl comes out and she's fucking gorgeous. Hi, how are you? What do you like? I go massage. What's the matter? I go, my shoulder's in really bad shape. I just need somebody to rub my shoulder.

And next thing you know, she goes, all right, hold on and walk back here. She takes me back to this room and this lady comes back there. She leaves, tells me to get naked. And there's no way I'm getting naked. Like I'm one of those dudes. That's not fucking happening. For me to get naked, you got to get naked. Or not, I ain't getting fucking naked.

Let me know what you need and I'll help you out. But I just ain't taking off my pants because you're telling me to get naked. The fucking little lady comes back. This is not the most best-looking woman I like. If the Lucy Lou would have came back, the chick from the counter, we could have had a little party. But this fucking nasty fuck, there's no way. It's Lucy Lou's grandma.

And she looks at me, she's like, lay down, lay down. I'm like, I don't want to lay down. I just want my shoulder up. I can sit right here, rub my shoulder, put Ben gay on my shoulder. And she's like, fucking, no, no, no, no, no, you got to lay down, you got to lay down. And she couldn't close me and finally she looked at me and she goes, lay down, and I give you a handjob, 30 dollars. And I looked at her and I go, what the fuck are you thinking?

Get the fuck out. I ran out of there and I was pissed for two hours that somebody would charge you 30 dollars to give me a fucking handjob. That's disgusting. That's like that fucking, people do it for each other for free, you know what I'm saying? 30 fucking dollars to give me a handjob with a crusty fucking hand. Oh, my God knows where the fuck it's been. So now I'm cutting through whatever I pulled down fucking Nebraska.

I'm in Ogallala, Ogallala. Something happens to the fucking car. I pull over, I got a flat tire right behind me. The rear tire on the driver's side, I jacked the car up, I got a spare. I got another spare in there too. You know me, though, I got a spare and I got the bicycle tied. So I put the spare on that bottle, but put the jack in the trunk, drink some water, whatever, soda.

I get back in the car, boom, I started up again. The car is feeling weird. And also after about 10 minutes, again, I go, what the fuck? I got another flat tire, same one, same fucking one. The rear side, what the fuck again? I jacked the car up. I put the bicycle tire on this motherfucker and the bicycle tire lit on fire. Like it melted.

It was like that rubber, that fucking creepy rubber, it just flattened from melting. And I finally, a guy pulled over, oh no, here we go. I sat there and all of a sudden I start walking. There's no cell phones, nothing like that. I start walking and within 10 minutes, a girl pulls up, but how the fuck, with a little white dress on and shit. When I got in the car, she started driving, she went to make a turn and a bush of hair came out from under the fucking armpit.

Do you understand me? Like I was looking at it like maybe this could be the fucking night of my life. My car blows up, but I got the best piece of dirty white ass that I've ever gotten in my life in Oklahoma, Nebraska. By the time I had like three hundred and fifty dollars in my pocket, then she tells me, no, no, no, no, no, we'll get the car towed and you'll go back to the commune. And I'm like, what commune?

She goes, we run a commune for Christians. Come on up there, you can spend a few days and relax. You can meet my husband. This chick's had no bra on with a sea crew like fucking tremendous. This is what only happened to Uncle Joe. I saw that bush of hair and Christians. I got the fuck out of the car. I got the tow truck out of the tow.

The frame broke in the fucking car. That's the only thing that ever happened to that Datsun. Your car? My dad had Datsun. I melted a crayon in the back seat once. I left it on the seat. It was a purple crayon. That's all I got.

What are you going to do? We each got a story about a Datsun. Do you? I have no stories about Datsuns. Like that's all part of the commune. I'm pretty sure those were gone by the time you were born. Like when you first start, you're not making a lot of money, but your car breaks down.

Yeah. From all the fucking driving. And you got to include that in the budget. There's never a budget for a breakdown. That's the part of I don't understand. Like, I'm not sure how homeless people keep it together, to be honest. Oh, they're homeless because they can't keep it together.

Oh, no, but I'm like, I'm like. Can you believe this fucking guy? No, no, no. Let me finish. OK. Like when you are starting comedy, right? And you have to go buy a car. And they're gouging you on every corner.

And then your rent goes up the next year, every year. And they're gouging you on that. And it's just like, I'm lucky enough that I can afford it right now. Are you talking about my life right now? I'm talking about my rent. Just when I'm 75 bucks. Hey, mine too.

With three weeks notice. Mine goes up, oh. Yeah, so I'm thinking about causing a stink for a month. But we'll see. At least push it back another month. That's why that's what I think. Mine starts in June. I go up 75 bucks.

And I just bought a new car. That huge tax bill that I have? Yeah. I've never heard of this happening to anyone in the history of the IRS. I got $200 back because they calculated something wrong. I didn't ask for it. They just sent it.

So I'm going to go there now. I feel like I paid way more than I should have. Whoa. So yeah. I don't think I've heard. But my point was is when you can't afford it, how do you keep going? How do you still do in comedy rather than selling drugs

in your case or something? Everybody's level of being able to keep going is different. Listen, Matt. He had a higher tolerance. I know what it's like to be in a basement with no money. You owe $800 to one guy. You owe $600 to another guy. You probably got $32,000 in your pocket.

You've been up for three fucking days. Oh, my God. Your pager is fucking on fire. People are looking for you for coke. People want to buy coke. People want you to sell them coke. And the people your own money took fucking calling you to unstop them.

You have no idea. You're in a basement. And you've got eight hours. And you're sleeping with a fucking old blanket that smells like dog piss on a mattress with no cover on it. You have no fucking idea when you're in that. And you go to bed, and you wake up, and there's no water. You've got to go outside and pee in by the garage.

It's horrible. There's no end. You get yourself into a cycle that is endless. I got into a cycle that was fucking endless. And no matter what I robbed, and no matter what lie I told myself, and no matter how much money I made, I'd always blow it. My goal was to have $2,000.

I could rob that in one hour from a hotel room, some people stashing, blah, and nine out of 10 I did. But did I get the apartment? No. By what I had, it was too easy. If I did this one, I'd get the apartment next week. For now, I sleep on these couchs, or I rent a hotel room in a Roche hotel.

And you know what? I'll rent the hotel for $100 for the week. I don't need the money. I paid today. Right? What's today? The Wednesday? Yeah.

I don't need to even think about rent on next Wednesday. I'm not thinking about rent on a Tuesday fucking night at 11 o'clock at night. When I leave in the morning, what story I'm going to tell this guy, and what time I'm coming back with his yardstick? Do you, when you're that deep into addiction, are you upset at yourself for being in that position, or it doesn't even seem weird to you?

When I was 20 or two years old, I was living in a hotel in Fortland, New Jersey. It was a hotel where people took people to have sex. By the hour? Like a five-hour hotel? No, not by the hour. It's a little bit classy. It's about a George Washington version.

That's respect, baby. I think there was Route 4, and the good thing was if you walked down the hill a little bit, there was a grand union that made the best laughs the best you ever had back here in the desert. I'm so hungry right now. And you'd buy a loaf of bread. Forget about it.

I could just imagine. I was imagining it right here, right now. Like, I can't eat in the fucking office. So, Jiu-Jitsu like this? Drugs only. So, Jiu-Jitsu is kind of blowing up right now. Who's this guy? Marvin Cerberus?

I don't even know how to pronounce his name, but I just see him rolling around on the floor doing crazy shit. Cerberus is his nickname. Castellus is his nickname. Oh, Castellus, sorry. I apologize. He's one of my teammates.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he looks like he has sponsors on his rash guard. That's all right. Well, he hit. It just seems like it's really blowing up right now. Yeah, well, his video did. That M&R he hit at Fight to Wind was pretty impressive. Although, he hit another one at the ADCC trials

that I enjoyed more. And there's like a really big, and I don't know if it's an industry, but there's a lot of Jiu-Jitsu videos I see online. Like, why did that one really explode? Because it looked cool to me, but I don't know what you did too. Exactly. I think that's the reason, is because even to someone that doesn't know, they saw that, and they were like,

whoa, that was cool. Yeah, I know. He was flipping around, and he's really. And that's not a move that people do. You don't see that very often. I don't see it very often. So I think to see something that you rarely see and to have someone hit it so smoothly and so quickly,

I think that's. And then there's a lot of people, like I just saw him on Instagram, and he's in Europe doing seminars. There's people traveling the world just teaching seminars. That's really cool that they have that access now. Isn't Eddie in career or something right now? Or he's going to career? He's going there.

I know they're doing a training camp out there. That's crazy. Oh, yeah, South Korea, right? Yeah, he posted something yesterday. Yeah, yeah, I keep seeing it. Yeah, there's like this big training camp thing or something going on. He's in the audience, the missiles are real.

They really lit duds. That is what he's going to do. He's going over there to make sure that the Koreans are telling the truth. Not a conspiracy and shit. You don't think he's going to go try and creep up into North Korea? Oh, fuck yeah.

He's going to try to schedule a meeting with Dennis Rahm. He wants to look over there with Dennis Rahm and fucking his assistant. He wants to go and look over the fence and see what's going on over there. See if it really was that. Did you see that picture he posted the other day of, I don't know what it was, but it looked like the Batcave,

like this picture that was supposedly from North Korea and like all the work that they're doing or whatever. I don't know. And the picture, it looks like a scene from the Batman TV show, you know, like really cheesy like equipment and stuff. It totally looked like. It was funny. Let's hope it's not.

Let's hope it's as cheesy as it looks. Right? No kidding. No kidding. Since mother's day, what are you guys doing? What are your moms doing? Are you going down there? I am.

Yep. What about you, Lee? You're sending flowers or anything? I have to call tomorrow to send flowers. I already have a card out. Oh, your job is quick and easy. Just send flowers. Yeah, well, I went, I think maybe two mothers days ago

for her birthday because it's their week, their week apart. But I'll see her at some point this summer. My mom's like a couple weeks apart from her birthday and mother's day. Yeah, it's like a mom's like a mom's birthday. It's a gift gone that I could get to. Oh, my God. No, I'm going down to have dinner with my uncle's house

on Saturday. Are you just sending flowers online, Lee? No, I don't do it. There's probably an app that does it. No, honestly, I don't. You still, you call in? I have to. I haven't found, there's a couple that have done OK jobs

that sometimes they'll use in a hurry. But if I have time, I call a place because I feel like they do a better job. Like a mom-pop shop out there or something? I found one near her house because she used to work from home. How often are you sending flowers, by the way? Sounds like you're sending them a lot. Mother's Day and Valentine's Day.

Oh, you do, do, do, do, okay. Now, here's how superstitious Uncle Joey is. All right, this week I'm going to Milwaukee, all right? And then Saturday morning when I get up and I fly to Detroit. Do you want to go to Detroit, Maggie? I'm going to go to Detroit. Bring those little pants and shit.

Let's go to Detroit. Have you seen the Red Dog? Have you seen the Red Dog? I'm going to go to Detroit. So I'm going to go first round. Well, Sunday morning is Mother's Day. The last time I got stuck was in Grand Rapids, Michigan, flying out of fucking late Detroit.

So I already prepared it. I might be a little late, I might get stuck, I might be a fucking tornado. You never know, it's a direct flight. Right. So I got options. So I'm sitting down for breakfast this morning. The whole family's eating breakfast

and Mercy starts talking to Terry about some shit. And she goes, mommy, for Mother's Day, I'm going to get you a bunch of flowers. Would you like that? And I could see it through Terry for a minute. It was like Terry getting punched in the fucking stomach. So I said, you know what? Just in case I'm going to go get a flower,

I still live it to the house. In case something fucked up happens on Sunday. But here's the beauty of it. I went to pick up the fucking kid yesterday and the baby said, baby sits on date night for us, came up to the car yesterday, she goes, Joey, what are you guys doing Sunday? I go, nothing.

And she goes, I want to babysit for free. I want to get you guys out of the house. That's how cool this chick is. She's 19, Mercy loves her, she loves Mercy. What the fuck are you going to do? They love each other, they fucking watch TV. That's nice of her. Yeah, she's really cool too.

So do you have plans? Yeah, yeah, she's a good lady. So do you have plans? Have you made plans? No, my dad's in the principal of the school. No, I mean for Sunday. Not yet. Not yet, what's with the questions?

I got no fucking plans. You know me, Mother's Day, you're not going to get a reservation now, unless you know somebody, I don't have money, I don't have money, I don't have the wine. Especially us, I know. So maybe I'm just going to Starbucks, take it off a pizza, something.

It sounds delicious to me. You can use some of your points at Morton's, like be some Morton points to get a reservation. I don't know nobody, most people don't talk to me though. You got to be fucking a guitar player from the full fighters, or you got to be something like that at Morton's. They don't want to, they don't fucking give a fuck about comedians or podcasts or anything like that.

No, no, no, not like that. I'm just saying like, you have like the points card. What points card? I got no point, I don't know nobody, even though, what's the point? If you're sold out, what's my point? Excuse me. They threw the Chinese guy off the plane.

How many points you thought he had? I threw that poor Chinese guy off the plane. I guarantee that guy would get that ticket some points. Do you see that fight on Southwest? I had bourbon? Right here, yeah. No. Oh yeah, it was bad.

There's people fighting on the plane. I've never seen that in my life. I didn't see the whole thing. I just saw people. They were going on to White guys really long. But it wasn't like airport employees or anything. It was just passengers, right? Right, yeah.

What were they fighting about? I don't know, I didn't, I just don't understand how quick these people could fucking get a camera and tape these fights together. Something's going on here. It takes two seconds. They were probably screaming at each other already

before the fight started. That's right, you're a genius, see? See, sometimes. I can't believe these people just pop a fucking camera. Why is there so many things going on on planes lately? People want money? That's like the thing right now. Everybody's gonna go start starting fights

on an airplane now just to record them and... Again, I have to hit you with the fucking stupid age card and how long I've been flying. I used to fly to California when I was seven by myself. Did you know that, Becky? 1960, 70. Okay, in those days, the airline system, you paid for a plane ticket, you were a kid,

they just put you in first class. Okay, first class used to be half full. There was always a big fucking space. I remember getting on planes. There'd be a piano player. Did you know that? No. With a pig, with an apple in his fucking mouth.

And they'd be surrounded with cheeses and crackers and they'd be playing fucking pianos. If you watch the movie Midnight Run, when they get on a plane, it's a two-decker plane. That was 1980, fucking, six, 87. There were two-decker planes. It was in the 80s? I thought it was like the 60s, 70s.

70s, still. If you wanted a party, you'd come upstairs. Let me tell you something. I remember taking red eyes because I was a coke fiend. You know why? Because wearing them on the street was. If you're doing drugs, you took the red eye. You know how many parties I went on the fucking red eye

and had the best times of my life? You have any fucking idea how many red eyes I went on that it was just 30 people fucked up, drinking, talking shit, and you get there and you're at a bar with them. Next thing you know, you're at their house. You know, you know how fucking crazy that is? Now you got on a red eye and from the minute

you get on the plane, they turn the lights on. You're going to sleep whether you fucking want to or not, Jack. And you can't put on your little light because nobody else could sleep. So you're the only asshole in your room with your light on. So you gotta sit there with your computer with earphones on and not bother.

It's a fucking nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare. So changing has become, flying has become this. And now for the last seven years, I've been flying, I've been flying pretty steady. And what I've seen across the board is fucking horrific. I mean, I know what I'm paying for my plane ticket and it's fucking horrific.

I ignore it because it's a part of me doing business. You have to pick your wars. I picked the flights. I always pick the first flights, which I have the best percentages. I do different fucking things. I know what airports to get an extra better ticket. I know what airport I'm going to get an upgrade from.

I know how to scam the fucking system and I'm pretty good at it. But it's all because I've been doing it. You know, before that I was flying, but flying on the cuff. So a club would give me a plane ticket and I was racking up miles. I couldn't because they bought it on price.line.

You know, when you get a ticket on price.line and you take it to the airlines, they're not fucking happy with you. The airline will put you on last. Just on purpose next to that big black dude. Boarding like zone six or something? Yeah, zone 22. And you're right next to the bathroom

and people are farting and shitting and that. And there you are in a seat by yourself and you're inhaling fucking death. By the time you get off, you feel like Ted Bundy fucking happily electrocuted them or whatever. So, you know, that was this level of commitment in flying.

I haven't been in first class and you went into the bathroom and there was creams. There was cologne, there was perfume for women. You could take some and wipe it down or you could take it for later. There was a time when there was more commitment to the people and they weren't charging them much. Then all of a sudden the plane heights get up.

Then they said, we're raising the price of fuel. Because of the price of fuel, we have to collect on the luggage. 25 hours for a piece of luggage. So for the common American who's fighting for his fucking life, no one had to pay for their plane ticket. But if they take two pieces of luggage,

50 there and 50 back. So any plane ticket, you better tack on a yardstick to any fucking plane ticket. And for some people, it's a by the way, they don't even know it's happening. They get to the fucking airport. They're like, 24 hours.

What are you fucking nuts? Why are you fucking crazy? I'll carry this shit on and we'll throw away your shampoos. It's not gonna fit. You know, so this is, and then after 9-11, you want to complain about TSA, but listen, they try to do the best

to keep us fucking from blowing up in the fucking skies. So you gotta wait those 10 minutes. Some cities don't have enough TSA and a lot of traffic. You don't wait a fucking hour. I know in those places, to get a business select ticket, something that'll get me through that gate.

I can wear sweatpants or I don't have no drum. I got sneakers with orthotics in it, just in case I gotta be on my feet. You know, this is what people gotta fucking think about, man. Flying isn't easy no more. And going back to what I was talking about earlier, you feel like you're getting jipped. I feel like airlines are probably

one of the biggest places and the most accessible because people are right there. And there used to be choice. Now there's no choice and they know it and they jack up the prices at the holidays and at terrible times. And it's just, it's not a fun experience anymore at all. You know, if you're a regular American

that's fighting for their lives and you're not experienced in flying, you know, you're not experienced in flying. You don't know the loopholes through airports. A fucking flying is overwhelming. It's fucking overwhelming. You think you're going into a battle zone and then you get there, you stop for a bottle of water

and they tell you $4 and they look you straight in the face. And you look at them like, Jesus Christ. $6 bag of gummy bears. Jesus Christ, $4. So now you're banging me on the fucking flight. Now let me tell you something. Unless you're at Kennedy and you're eating at the Palms or you're in Newark, New Jersey

and you're eating at that fucking, that crab cake house. And there's a couple other airports that if I don't mention you, I'm sorry. Boston has Legals. You're Boston has Legals. You're basically eating fucking dick. When you get home about two hours later, a shit's going to come out of your ass

and you're going to look at it and smell and go, what happened? I got to go lay down. I'm sick yet. Those eggs on that biscuit, those are fucking eggs made with whatever was left over and powder, you know, powder and fucking eggs. Those eggs, those powder eggs,

that's why I always look for the place. I want to see the yolk. I want to see the yolk. I don't want no misunderstandings there. I don't want no flip over patty that you think, you know, these places you go to subway and they just put it in there. Oh, that's the way eggs are the worst. You don't want scrambled, right?

Cause then it's all blended. I want to see the yolk. Let me see the yolk so there's no misunderstanding. Why you hiding the yolk? Let me see the yolk. If I want to see scrambled eggs, I'll ask for scrambled eggs. The manager says you got yolk.

Yeah. Let me see the fucking yolk. I want to see the fucking yolk. So I'm happy, all right? Don't break that fucking yolk. Because if you break that fucking yolk, you're going to have a problem too. Last week I went to a hotel that,

I like the hotel, but their kitchen sucks dick. The breakfast ain't bad because they have eggs and they show you the yolk. They broke the fucking yolk. They broke the fucking yolk last week. And there were two Samoan kids and there were second cousins. The one guy was a big Samoan. Like he was in the starter package.

He was like three 10. But next time I see him before 18 and after that he'll put 900 fucking pounds. His feet won't fit in the shoes. It'll be huge. But his cousin looked like Colberg. What's the, you know, underage.

What's his name? Nobody knows what I'm talking about. Mikey Wolberg, what's his name? Turtle? No. Wolberg. Yeah, Donnie Wolberg. Donnie, no, which one's Donnie?

Donnie's the, Mark, the older brother. Mark's the younger brother. So the guy's really good looking. I'm looking at the other guy and they're very nice. Now any hotel that you go to has these type of kitchens. The best thing they have on the menu is like a soup that came out of a can and they got a roast beef with horseradish on it for dinner.

I got stuck in because one time I stayed this hotel and that was it in that area. They came and picked you up and a half hour early. That's how far it was from civilization. So all you can eat is that food. It's fucking, you can eat it one day. On the second day, you're not gonna feel good about yourself. But the eggs are in bed.

When I checked into the hotel, I go, fuck it's one of these. So next when I got up, you know me, I got up at the hotel in the morning, I jumped in the shower and I go downstairs. I already got a joint in which I hide in the wallet. I got a lighter. I got my fucking phone. I got my glasses.

I got my son. I got my cold toe key in the back pocket. So I'll rub it up against my cell phone and then the magneto stops. Then you go back downstairs and activate the magnet. But by that time, the shit's rolling down your asshole because you were running to the bathroom. None of the time when the magnet runs out

is when you have shit running out of your asshole and you were counting on this magnet of life that will open the fucking door. All right? Now you have to go back. And now you got to go back downstairs. They give you a new key. And they got to look at you.

Plus you got to wait online now because now a boatload of Orientals checked in. There's 16 of them. And they got to go through their passport. Nobody speaks English. I was going to ask how late was the boat load. They got to wait for the fucking translator. You have no idea.

Please, I've lived this life for years. The bus had just arrived. Yeah, you don't know what it's like to fucking go back downstairs. You got a shit and piss like a savage. You look in the bathroom, there's feet in there. Oh, damn. There's one toilet.

You look in there, there's feet in there. You don't know how many times I've knocked on the woman's bathroom. And if there ain't a fucking yelling there, hello, is Tommy in there? Nothing, I was zipping that woman's bathroom. Now fuck that bathroom up. And if it's got a lock to it, you ain't coming in.

I'll make believe like, did you not see this was a woman's bathroom? No, I had no idea. Let me explain something. I had some cheese, it was terrible. I didn't give a fuck if it was the woman's bathroom. I don't give a fuck. There was nobody in there, it was one stall.

I had to pee with a girl in the bathroom at the ice house the other week. The other bathrooms were, and she went in the stall and I was like, I can wait. She said, no, you can go. And but she wouldn't stop talking. So I had to tell her like, guys don't usually do that. Did it make you feel uncomfortable?

Yeah, I don't usually talk. Let me get some shot out here. West Woods, Bob LaLingus, Lauren Rosenker, Bobby Adkins, Cody Barnett, Dylan Ortiz, R.G. Madden, DJ Swan, and the motherfucking Helm 512. Who's better than you motherfucking savages? To all the moms out there, happy Mother's Day.

If you listen and watch that monkey, flowers are coming, you know what I'm saying? Flowers are coming, at least I am. Yes, sir. Are you taking Paula's mother out for Mother's Day? Well, I think it wasn't today, Mexican Mother's Day, if I'm not mistaken. Doesn't fucking matter.

Well, listen, just go by the calendar, right? All that traditional shit, you can't play that. You Jewish. Well, that's what they do. Jews don't play that shit. I don't care what they do. Do you tell them, listen, Jews play Sunday like everybody else, all right?

Like everybody else? Everybody else and the hallmarks. Celebrate Mother's Day this fucking Sunday, okay? You wanna tell me, you wanna show up with the Mexican Thanksgiving that they don't make me call Trump? I can't tell you that to them. That's like a, that'll start a big fight.

That'll start a big fight. Yeah, I'm a white guy surrounded by like a whole sea of Mexicans. Oh my God. But, did you eat the strawberry? I took a piece of one. So you did. She did, she took a tiny piece.

She took a tiny piece. It's behind that beggar, though. Let me see. On the table right behind you. She cut up a purple one into 10 pieces, Joey. I don't know how she got a 10 pieces of a purple. That's how much I had. And that's the light white ones.

That's not even the... Nah, but it'll still rock your world. You almost said you get a little loose and shit. Oh, I feel it. I can see it. I can see it. You got that smile that says, what the fuck did I get myself into?

I wanna go tomorrow and do jumping jacks. You said 10 times without stopping. You kept saying, I'm hungry. You don't think I heard you. I just got overpowered with you. No, every time you... I was gonna take that, that's your mind throwing that reefer talk.

That's every time you brought up food, I said, I'm hungry. There's no food now in LA. You know that. We gotta know where to go. I know. It's a Wednesday night. I know where to go.

At this time. I know one place to go. You didn't tell me that cheesy place up in North Hollywood, huh? That salsa and beer or something? No, you go up for salsa and beer right now, they'll stab you. That's Sherman Wayne Lancashire.

You go up there on your own, they'll rip that little fucking cat's right off your pants, you understand me? You'll make it to salsa and beer with no foot. They will rip those pants off you, Becky. You'll be in Guadalajara by six a.m. dancing for like a bar full of fucking Americans. You go up to salsa and beer.

You only go to salsa and beer in the daylight. Let me tell you what time you go to salsa and beer for the best service. Three. 11 20 in the morning. 11 20, that's early though. Because if you're there at 10 to 12. That's like right after breakfast.

You gotta get up and smoke reefer. Eat breakfast, do some jumping jacks, do some, and then go there at 11 20, exactly after we walk into the door. That's when the food is fresh. It's empty still because by 12 10. Oh yeah, lunch. It's bumping a bumper up there and it's bad.

You can't park. You can't park. We tried to go there a couple times. We just had to leave. Yeah, no, no, no, no. It's two, you gotta go there at 11 20. Who tried to go for dinner? Oh no, that's a nightmare.

You're not gonna get in there for time. You'll be driving around that parking lot and that's when they sit behind the fence and they watch it. And they're like, let's see how many times if this fucking moron's gonna, if he goes in there, attack the lane, pull him out of the driver's side, stab the wife, kill the dog.

You don't need to do that shit. That's a bad fucking name up there, but the food is dynamic. I was gonna tell my man that's visiting in town, Rob Madden to go over there one night this week to check out that shit. Salson beer, but you gotta get there at 11 20 in the morning. Oh, that's not a one night then.

Huh? He said he has to go check it out one night. That means you gotta get up at six, smoke some dope, have scrambled eggs, maybe no potatoes, a little fucking slice of toast and three pieces of bacon. And you gotta just go down there with some hunger at about 11 20.

Is it in here on vacation? Who? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's here. So when he sleeps online, smoke a joint workout, they can go eat some Mexican food for an early lunch. Yeah, you gotta go up there, share them away. Don't they go at six in the morning on your vacation?

That's the fucking spot, people, if you like Mexican food. When people visit from out of town, they take them right there and their fucking head blows up. What are we talking about? How are we going to sell them? You said you know a spot for food. What spot? I don't know, you said you knew a spot.

And then what did he say? What spot are you talking about? Wait, wait. We don't know yet, we're waiting in Peterborough. We didn't, you didn't get to that. How many milligrams of G to that late? I don't know, I couldn't eat the last two. You couldn't eat the last two stars?

No, I thought I was gonna get sick. I'm high as fuck right now, but do we eat a lot? I thought you were gonna pee. Dude, we eat a lot. What are you talking about? What are you training? I had six stars. You hit that bottle of water,

you gotta finish those two stars. No, I'm fine. How many did you give me? Six stars, and then I had the taffy and half the chocolate bar. That's a lot of stuff. I gotta watch it like a fucking hook, you know. I'm not lying about it. Where did this thing come from?

That came from Cleveland, that's called the Savage. It's pretty cool. No, it's the real deal. It's the real deal. When you take a hit off that thing, it takes you to a different fucking planet. You know what I'm saying? You want a little hit?

No, I'm good right now. Okay, you want a little hit off the bottom. I'm good right now. What days do you tape the podcast? Now it's kind of all over the place. So you just tape it when you gotta know. Whenever, yeah, we're gonna do it. Like tomorrow night, we're gonna do one.

Where at? At my place. Last week we did one at LA Jiu-Jitsu Club. The week before, I don't remember. Then, well, we didn't do it for a couple weeks because my neck was so bad. So, we've done some at a black house. We've done a few out there with their fighters.

It's amazing, the power of the fucking podcast and the reach that people have on them. We're trying. We're trying. I just looked at health the other day and I was blown away at the health podcast. Oh yeah. Blown away on how many fucking things

you could listen to and different. Blown away. Blown the fucking way. I hadn't looked at that in like two years. It's- That's so many by now. Doubled in in the past few years. Like probably more than that.

Doubled way more than that. There's thousands of podcasts there. Thousands of podcasts, thousands of listeners. Because you can do it from wherever. That's why there was no fucking TV strike. They knew those motherfuckers knew they strike. It was over between reality and the internet. They would be done for a long fucking time.

They'd never recoup because somebody would figure out how to do a thousand things on the internet without all the fucking hoopla. There's somebody out there who knows how to do it. And they're just waiting to pull those goddamn fucking trigger, you know what I'm saying? I don't know if you saw, I posted an article that can isn't gonna allow Netflix into its festival

starting next year or any anyone if they're not gonna put the movies into the theaters. So like- And so it's like as a punishment. So like, I bet the movie theater chains- Like a street to Netflix type of thing? Yeah, they don't want Netflix to win that because they'll probably have better content.

And then it won't go to the movie theater. So my question was like, have you ever been a part of something that was going to like try to get an award or anything that like mattered to you? Or has that stuff never, have you never been a part of something like that? Lee, from my world, I was lucky to get in the fucking movie. Yeah, to me.

The Academy Award is something completely different. To be in a movie that wins an Academy Award, you gotta know motherfuckers that know motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? I can be, I remember a commercial movie, an Academy Award movie is two different fucking things. Yeah. Somebody really slick has to have a vision about a movie

and go, we can make this an Academy Award, but this is how it has to be shot. Or somebody, look at each other and go, Becky, call that dumb kid, tell them to put another script together for Guardians of the Galaxy 8. This time, tell them they gotta fight Martians and they blow up fucking little kids.

I don't give a fuck what they write on toilet paper. We're gonna make it for $82 million and we're gonna make $250,000 billion worldwide. That's the difference. There's a difference creativity to that, you know what I'm saying? That's why you look at some films and you go, oh, I know why they did that film

and oh, now you know why I did that film. Right. You know, you learn a lot from looking at who made these films. Who's making this from Warner Brothers? And then it's a, Chinean production makes this movie and they make this. You know, it's pretty interesting when you look at it,

when you're an asshole like me and you have time to look at that stuff. I mean, it's not like I get on the computer and look at the history of Chinean, whatever. But it's pretty interesting what type of movies they pick up or they don't pick up, you know? So that's the difference in creativity. When they shot Spider-Man 2,

they knew Spider-Man 2 wasn't gonna be an Academy Award when they even though it did win something like music or, Really? Yeah, or side effects. Special effects, yeah. Special effects. But beside that,

the script wasn't gonna fucking make you cry at the movie deal unless you have proper retarded. You sat for the tickets for 22 hours outside in the wintertime and froze your lat. I lost a finger, but I saw Spider-Man 2, you know what I'm saying? It came out. Oh my God.

So no, those are the differences, you know, like when you look at the Godfather, they knew, they fucking knew, you know? They knew when they wrote that script, but. No, I think they knew when they picked it up. If they marketed the movie with strong actors, they could win something. You know, I know when you look at something,

go, hmm, we could take this, shoot it this way. We need to direct it, understand this is how we, this is our vision and the writer's vision. And we're gonna shoot it this way. We're gonna get a powerful actor here. This was gonna cost us, we might break even, but we go to the fucking, we go to ABC, February 15th, and we walk up there 15 fucking times.

You know what I'm saying? So always keep that in mind when they're shooting a film, they know exactly why, how, and when. When they release these movies, they know exactly what they're gonna make on this movie. If they bomb, guess what? It's a writer. They're gonna make $352 billion on some cartoon

with Alec Baldwin who's playing a boss or something like that. Maybe not here, but in fucking Hong Kong. And that makes up for that loss. So don't cry ever about movies when they flop. Because on the other side, they're making a movie about grapes jumping up and down, singing and kids are going crazy over it. Plus they're buying grape hats from 1995

when they're making them in Bulgaria for 52 cents. You know what I'm saying? Every time they make a hat, a kid dies. He gets shot for them to make 1950 profit on a hat that's gonna fucking dissolve in the water. Is it the slogan of the company? Yeah, exactly. It's amazing.

But once you see it and once you understand it, I've never read a script that they sent me and said, hmm, this is gonna be an Academy Award winner. Never have once have I said to myself, no. First of all, you need high power to be an Academy Award winner. So I've never been in a movie with fucking the black dude, Will Smith.

And these days they go for all these other shit, you know what I'm saying? Who the fuck knows? I don't know anything about that. But that's it and that's that. What's up with you, Lisa? I had looking good. Becky with the cat pants on and shit, cha-cha.

Nobody can see him. No, you don't need to see him, you understand? Okay. You can keep that to yourself, that little savage, whatever it is. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. There used to be a girl who was living on my couch and he would mess with her and he was gonna have her

dance and it was in a bikini. It was in the days when they were doing it out of my spare bedroom with a webcam. Oh my God. You're gonna dance on the bikini? No, I didn't say it like that. I said something different to this fucking jamoke. I don't know.

She was living on his couch and free. She still jokes about it. She wants to do it at your shows. What? Dan does what Dan does with the bikini. No, she does not. She would have, she was just laid to the Connecticut. Oh my God.

She would have done it. I don't know if she'd be fit to pop on it right now. We're looking for the butts, right? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and that shows. At that time, it was three, four years ago, things must have changed in fucking Boston, right? She's eating better.

She gained some pounds. Who knows if her brother's bigger than mine right now. Oh, she would never do that. How'd she kill you for sure, but. I don't know. I gotta go to fucking Milwaukee. I'm gonna have a great time. I haven't been there in like six goddamn years.

You're gonna see Danny Brown? I'm gonna see Danny Brown Saturday night in Detroit, but I'm excited about Milwaukee as much as I am about fucking Detroit. I'm excited to go to the Italian neighborhood and fucking eat. I got Matt Fultron. It's gonna be goddamn beautiful.

Very nice. How cool was it that you got to switch rooms? I must have helped you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because by Tuesday, you know, this is Milwaukee. I haven't been up there in a long, last one was up, that was with Rogan. It was before UFC.

Whatever last big UFC was up in Milwaukee. That's the last time I was up there. Maybe six years ago, seven years ago. Yeah, I think it might have been before we got together. I don't remember that one. Yeah, yeah, no, it was way. And it was great. And I used to go up there.

I went up there twice before the year 2000 to do comedy twice at the Comedy Cafe when the biker ran the room. So I got to know the area. I got to know that condominium, it was filthy, but it wasn't bad for five days to get you off the road. You had to worry about a hotel not until Monday.

And if you had your, he let you stay till Tuesday. You know what I'm saying? Milwaukee, huh? Huh? Milwaukee. Milwaukee, fuck yeah. Very nice. You got some cheese and shit, some crackers.

Oh, it sounds very good. And that's it, then I fly to Detroit. Wait, wait, isn't that, isn't that the land of my favorite cheese? And so you have to bring with some cheddar. You know your favorite cheese is poison. That's your favorite fucking cheese. Some cheese that holds in it

and some shit fucking going on. He likes to waste cheese? I love all types of cheeses. I can't eat this shit. That's so sad. What's that? You can't eat cheese? I tried to, you know, look at the size of it.

I didn't eat cheese. I had cheese last night at the police. Did you? Yeah. That's why those pants are smoking tonight. Those pants on fire. You had some cheese last night. Like I was telling you, motherfuckers,

let me talk to you about something, all right? When I'm out there, banging it out, like this weekend, and I know there's none, I don't know what's going on in my walking, but when I'm out there, I get left, brother. Lee, break it down. Last time you broke down on left. How long did you enjoy it?

Lift is my favorite ride service app. It's the best. It's, they're more courteous. The rides are cleaner. They have this great new display that says hi to whoever it is. So you know what, because sometimes if you're going out at night,

if you're going to places that a lot of lifts are there, it's nice to know which one is yours. It's the best experience out there. Well, let me explain some to you. When you drive for lift, the ride-sharing app, every trip can feel like a walk in the park. With lift, you can pick your own hours and work when you want.

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get a perfect five-star rating. So do me a favor, join the ride-sharing company that believes in treating people better, all right? Go to lift.com slash Joey. You're sitting there, you don't know what to do. You got that new car, you got a license. Go out there, lift.com slash Joey today and get a $500 new driver bonus.

That's lift.com slash Joey. $500 new car bonus, new driver bonus, limited time only, terms apply, all right? Who's better than you? You have something to do, you have a little job and you'll make some money. Let me explain something to you. I'm happy that I have these guys as my sponsor on the show

and I'll tell you why, because it's a great product, especially if you're young and you're out there fighting for your life. You ready? Dollar Shave Club, tremendous razors, quality razors, they last for whatever existence. The handle is tremendous, but here's the beauty. You gotta get that Dr. Kov is shaved butter.

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And about two minutes later, builds a bond in your face. You take that razor, Becky, you shave that motherfucker, you understand me? And as you see it, you see that the Dr. Kov's shaved butter stick to the razor with your hairs. You don't have to shave an extra day, it's tremendous. Ba-ba-ba, you walk out of the shower, you dry your face,

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with a tube of Dr. Kov's shaved butter for only $5. I wanna thank Dollar Shave Club. I also wanna thank lip.com slash Joey. What's up, Lee? I love Dollar Shave Club. I have the same handle that I've had since I started. Yeah, I've had it. I still have some of the same razors.

I still got razors, it's unbelievable. And the doctor shit, the doctor makes it even better. Becky over at Math Therapy, I love you to death. I love you too. Tell them when the new podcast is dropping. What do you think will drop? I will have one out either tonight or by tomorrow morning.

But you have how many episodes? They have a big catalog, let me go through. 50s, that was 56. They've had Anatoly Ronjohn. Yep. They've had a Bravo one. Yep. You've had fucking movie stars on there.

A bunch of UFC fighters. People showed up with fucking camera crews and shit. Yeah. Yep. It's been fun. And we're having a beach party on Saturday. I hope it doesn't rain, is it gonna rain? No, I think it might be a little cooler than I expected,

but we're gonna have a beach party. So, come here. All right, so I'll see you motherfuckers if I'm not in the beach party. You'll be in Detroit. It's nothing I wanna be more at the beach party. And see you and your little jujitsu shoot. You know what I'm saying?

Sweatin', lookin' all beautiful and hot like you always do. Becky Rodriguez always throwin' fuckin' heat, you know what I'm sayin'? Look at little fuckin' Michael Jackson boots. I don't like it, I don't like it when you go by it. He was my favorite as a kid. Who's that?

Michael. I know he was. I know you're a professional scaler. He used to do all the moves and shit. Maybe if you're a lucky Sally, I'll show up and put the skates on. There you go. You can do Michael Jackson,

you're Bikini done at the fuckin' Venice Beach. Sounds good. We'll put a hat out there for you and they'll clap. Oh yeah, that is real fun. I don't know, pay my rent. It pays my rent, man. Wow, look at that. All right, I'll see you motherfuckers at the Papstita

Friday night with Matt Fultron, don't forget. We're gonna fuckin' light that place on fire, all right? The spirit of Jeffrey Dahmer is makin' a comeback. I love you motherfuckers, one more time. Dollar Shave Club, one more time. Lift.com, one more time. Honor.com, stay black. I'll see you motherfuckers Monday.

Oh, you're right, give that ass a pump. That's a pump on the seat, don't tell me about it, don't tell me. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D D-D-D-D-D-D-D D-D D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D At Night I Walk this stinking street past the crazies on my block and I see the same old faces and I hear that same old talk And I'm searching for the latest thing I bring in this routine I'm talking some new kicks once like you ain't never seen

This is home This is Dean Street This is home The only one I know And we don't believe that tomorrow Cause we're sick of these farm walls Now what you think is nothing might be something after all Now you know this ain't no through street

The end is dead ahead The pork box flavor keeps down here They're the living dead Come on down Down is a nice street They're dancing now Out on Dean Street Dance, baby

Oh It's always me and my friend It ain't once upon a time It's all over but the shouting I come to take what's mine We're searching for the latest thing I bring I'm breaking this routine Talking some new kicks once like you ain't never seen

This is home This is Dean Street This is home The only one I know This is home See if God is real easy This is Dean Street In this desperate part of town

This is home Turns you from hunted into hunter This is Dean Street You're going to hunt somebody down Wait a minute Somebody said bear wanting love It's not struck yet Come on down

Come on down Thanks for watching!