Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #482 - Brendan Schaub

Episode Date: May 18, 2017

Brendan Schaub, former UFC fighter, cohost of "The Fighter and the Kid," podcast and host of the "Big Brown Breakdown" podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/17/2017.  

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You Want it you got it motherfuckers the church to what's happened now big brown Lisa That old school Maybe you Let's do this motherfuckers what oh shit. Oh shit You thought the week was over. It's just starting cocksuckers Thursday, baby Here we go Brendan sharp in the house. What up, brother. He's siat. Thank you for stopping by. Yeah, man. All right

So here's my thing on it. You ready time. I jump in a yeah first of all When that happened I've been through that system in Boulder and When the Jambon a case happened that community wasn't ready for something like that And both is Boulder has had some wild When I got sentenced when I got arrested in Boulder. There was a skinny wiry guy Michael something He hung out with some other nerdy dude not bad guys, but the one guy talked about the pizza as he had You gotta see my girlfriend. She's the hottest man. She was a 12

Then we got transferred after three or four days in Boulder County. We got transferred to Summit County jail Okay, Summit County jail It's like a paradise. Yeah, handball your own clothes at 10 o'clock the guard goes the safe way I'm not mad at that and brings your chips and so this is shit to watch TV. No, no, no This is a complete different cigarettes reefer the whole fucking thing They said I was gonna stamp there for two months, but they shot me to Canyon City and you get processed and then they sent me to golden. I did my time. I got out of jail

I never thought of anything anything. I'm selling cars at Boulder Toyota And one day I hear these Simons go on And I get home and I just watch TV and they're bolder's on lock down Bolder's on lockdown You're not allowed to leave your house and white people scared of white people scared to death locked up is down What happened was this guy with the hot piece of ass Broke out of Javelin Canyon City It's like the Boulder

Went to by Lee Hill So it's one of those mountaineering. You know I'm talking about the bus stop Yeah, a little northern more I guess and maybe you could twit me and correct me on this and he saw four kids target practicing He went up to the four kids. He goes forest range and put your guns down The four kids put their guns down. He took the guns turned them around and shot all four god damn This is bolder. I do 90 bro Jesus Christ shot all four kids took that gun There was a man hunting bolder seven o'clock Boulder locked down. He wanted to Kmartin board ammunition. So that centralized the

The search to search north Boulder. So they made it. They came to the Toyota dealership Did the whole thing now if you're headed on to Longmont from Boulder? Yeah on that street Isis, I don't know what it's called. Whatever Iris Iris Iris if you go on that street in The old days after about them, maybe three-quarters of a mile. There was there was an old blues club Right off that street. That was very popular in Boulder people. I had never been in there I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you I never went in there, but I heard that through people that that's where like Fucking famous blues people went in there to play. I don't know the name of it or whatever So that night I went to bed and the next day what happened was this

She wrote him a letter Told him she was leaving for another guy. He went bananas and broke out of jail. That's the power of pussy He broke out of jail. He tried to get up to a house. She had moved He got the four kids. He shot him and then he kept calling her and I guess the cops traced the call and She's told her that she would meet him by that bar right off Iris In bold in that nice neighbor, but she would meet him right there cops wait the cops were waiting and when he showed up They shot him they had a thing and they shot him and they shot him in the neck doesn't end here

Oh, no, he goes to the hospital and click the addition where they had died There's only two surgeons who could do that surgery in Boulder and Denver one of them was one of the kids father One of the kids he shot all his father fuck you this fall is like fuck you They saved his life I mean that dude went back to jail damn that happened, you know, is he still in jail? He must yeah, he's probably yeah, he's under the fucking file. He's under the chair never seen that light of day I don't you know like they had shit like that in Boulder in 87 They had this kid that owned the pizza. He there was a bose a boss pizza Ridiculous there was a competitor in the old days and he was on South Boulder and shit

The kid quit the pizza business his father's business and got a job with me selling cars I was going to use see you at the time great kid kid never drank never smoked up one night. He's walking his dog by 30th and Iris There was an Albertsons there and he was walking his dog in that empty lot and his dog was sniffing something And he went over to see what it was and he picked up a bag He took ten steps and fucking SWAT came out FBI right there. They threw him down the floor. They beat him up They pitched a tent Fucking they say they opened up the bag. There was 80 grand cash and two kilos of coke

They opened up the coke. They tested it. They went to his house raided his house raided his father's house You know, they just wanted to make sure this kid wasn't a courier I guess they were chasing somebody in Boulder People do the suitcase out the fucking window Jesus and they sat there Okay, so he came to pick up his dog Yeah, Boulder Boulder doesn't have a lot of You know a lot of crime or anything like that. So that John Bene case shook that whole fucking shit that whole case and Doc Crease, you know, so after that all went down and they couldn't solve the murder doc

Crease who was the strength to see you moved into that house He bought that house was like and everyone's like, you know, it's John Bene. He's like I don't give a fuck They tore it down now. Well, they did now, but right after they didn't he moved he moved there Okay, so this is my thing. I worked at puddle car wash and he's one of the biggest benefactors to the CU Organization Harold Arnold or the other the guys own his name is I Worked there for years and they do all the city cops cars and I became friends. Well those cops all the undercover cops They would come in and you know, whatever Boulder County Sheriff's in the fucking plane Cadillac. Yeah, they're on the cover cops But there was this one that used to come in who was a lesbian very nice

I became friends on I didn't know what happened. Do you know what happened when they went to that house? It was a crime scene crime scene. Yeah, they didn't treat it like it They didn't treat it like it. They had a circle prayer. Yeah, and they contaminate the crime scene So even if they would at that time I think if they would have rested the mother and the father and took them down That Jew was living in New York the same guy that's got OJ off Barry Shaq that guy was in savage Super savage. Yeah, super savage. So they would have went on the appeal Because the DNA was contaminated. They put a blanket on her

Bunch of shit. They did a bunch of shit. They had a prayer group that had a meeting So I was always people going in and out that people going in so that was my one thing That I thought why they never made an arrest and number two when they made a rest. I think that Between you and me. I think that Alex Hunter or the big da's name at the time with a mayor. Yeah It was such an ugly thing to happen in Boulder It happens in LA and the Valley every fucking day it happens in New York every day, yeah But I don't think they wanted to drag Boulder through it And at the end what happened the mother died of cancer mother died of cancer

Yeah, the father lives I think in Arizona ever said yeah, the brothers weird as fuck. Do you see him? I'm like dr. Phil right not so they're trying to Put it on the brother that he choked her that he choked. So they think they're thinking now I think it was one of those things that Boulder could handle bro. They weren't prepared for it I think Boulder was a shit that parents they thought about it and they said the first of every fucking entertainment Angle is gonna be in this city living here for the next year and a half Disrupting our traffic disrupting our lives and in many ways. I don't know did they get away with murder who the fuck really knows

Who the fuck would kill their child? You have a child who the fuck would do that to their child? A lot of it goes back to the brother there if you look at certain angles and there's a there's a case for the mom There's a case for the brother the dad's you know the dad knows but he didn't he's not in on it The dad knows but there's a big case for the brother. He's known to do some weird shit He'd hit the daughter all the time. He'd do some really weird shit. He was jealous over just getting all the tension Then I get this what's interesting is I guess John Bonnet was sleeping and the

Snack that used to have and some weird white people shit. They drink dirty pineapple and milk Pineapple and milk was the snack. So yes, the brother got hungry went downstairs get a snack John Bonnet heard him getting some woke up went down there She went to reach for his snack This is the theory that I heard and the brothers used to hitting her grabbed like one of those mag lights or something Hit her over the head not meaning to kill her. He's young seven at the time Hits her over the head and that's where the problem is the mom and dad didn't want to lose the the son too once they realized She's dead. So they made it look like it was that's what they think and then you look at the ransom note

Yeah, I mean It's a fucking child goddamn miniature novel like no one's gonna go through all that time And they had to recreate that no it takes for can like three it took forever No one's gonna do that and then the the ransom they asked for is the exact Bonnet Christmas bonus the husband got that year who would have the information some weird shit either way When I went to Boulder right before I got arrested but what killed me

What really made me them give me a high bail was two things number one There was some dude party him and fucking bold away another meeting when I went to jail He was in County. He was getting high And somebody tried to break in his house and he jumped off his balcony three floors and he broke both his legs God damn when the cops came they found the quarter pound the coke on his house Fucking arrest. I was gonna say why'd he go to jail then and then there was another guy right before I got in trouble ten days Cuban kid from Miami was CUOP student That means a CU was giving him a small fortune to go to school there. Yeah, the update Latino numbers

He had a Brand-new 1987 Nissan 300 ZX not mad at those not mad at those He's a poverty Cuban kid. Yeah, that's going to see you and Every weekend he would fly back and forth to Miami And like he went missing for a week and they found this 300 ZX splattered with blood and They never found the body damn Which in Boulder you never found the body. Yeah, they never find the fucking yeah

going back and forth to Miami every week wasn't a Tip-off that something bad was happening. Maybe not nobody picked up. He's a regular college student You know, you're not looking for a fucking 20 year old kid with skis I would be smuggling a fucking half a key of blowery fucking week, you know, it's how you go dressed They're looking for a guy with the fucking nose rings. You watch that stupid show at Night Drugs, Inc Yeah, see that the airport. Yeah, they get the dogs at County Airport. They show the guy last week man With a fucking baby He brought his daughter with him God damn scumbag and they got the suitcase and he was halfway there

And then they just put a hole in it and sugar started pouring out of the suitcase. It's true fucking They took the kid from him. Yeah, yeah, dude. I saw I saw someone got in trouble got caught They were illegally smuggling turtles a million dollars worth of turtles like some special kind of turtle Have you seen that shit? I wasn't in like the overhead compartment. I've seen a bunch of animals And I don't know some weird shit. They're trying to get is a million dollars worth of turtles Who was like, ah fuck coke man. Let's get these turtles. Do you know hard? I feel like that's so much more of a hassle than coke granted if you get caught I don't think you're doing that much time, right? No, they hate you with the endangered species

But what the fuck you doing there was a lot of turtles when Miami does that's why they have all those fucking animals Time-to-time That's why in the news you're going that will look come back after the commercial will show you what they found in Miami Yeah, kids got a half alligator have that Alligator isn't even allowed in the States because they smuggle every fucking type of animal into Miami spiders Yeah, what do you think comes on those ships with the coffee beans on them? I think comes fucking flowers Fucking spiders and venomous spiders from Africa

I'm headed to Australia and someone tagged me in the thing this dude got bit by he was a tourist from the US He got bit by an Australian spider and he's he's he's losing his legs and his arms because of it. Yeah There's a dumb fucking question that he got bit down Australia by the spider Yes, I'm in Australia got bit because you know, I always joke around how I really don't like to travel but I'm going Australia for a live tour and I was like I keep your fucking koalas Chlamydia off of me because that koalas have chlamydia. What? Yeah, they have koalas damn it You have a chlamydia all of them do they're just born with it

So and humans can get the you know the virus from them if whatever you kiss them on the nose or some shit I don't know how you get it and then a bunch of Australian fans right be careful Shama send me pictures of guys can attack by great whites and like check this tourist out and homeboy got bit by some Spider and losing his arms and legs now. What is going on with great whites? Same shit that's been going on great whites doing great white shit. They're fine. They found 21 There's a kid in my jiu-jitsu class was Hawaiian And he's always he serves every day. Well, yeah, did you see that video? He serves about the 15 Yeah, they found in Long Beach, and they were just like people in the water calm. We get out of the water

There's 15. Why would they do that because you have to know that but you don't need a everybody I'll let you know you're surrounded by 15 great whites wouldn't be better. Hey, everyone get out of the water Don't be alarmed get out of the water. Don't we got water? Yo, there was 15 great white because because the people are idiots if they just said people please get out of the water There'd be some I don't want to get out of the water. It's my vacation I'm gonna stay in the water. They have to tell like you're gonna you're about to get eaten and But I they were like it's swimming against the shoreline I don't know how there's like can you imagine 15 great whites together?

They could eat everyone in like two seconds. They didn't do shit. I think global warming Something is affecting because the last couple of years you keep hearing about it Like shark attacks you keep fucking hearing about them and this kid was telling me the other day goes in You know, you could smell when there's a shark. What the whine said this. Yeah, they shit through their skin That's some horn shit. He goes so they smell like shit. So there's just swimming and you smell shit There's a shark close by He goes whenever I'm surfing out in Pacifica without that and I smell shit I climb on a rock and within minutes. I'll see the fucking thing go by that

Fuck you. What do you ever do one of those shark cages? Oh, that's what I want to do. No, you can't do it Yeah, that's what I want to do in Australia. There's really the only reason why I want to go to Australia do that I don't have time to do it They booked I'm at so many shows. I have no time to jump in the goddamn cages. Thank God Do you and I I saw a video some girls in the cage I don't know who the fuck makes those the same like when you go bungee jumping in Mexico You think that Mexican really fucking made sure the safety of the cord and the harness and all that and we give a fuck What what so homegirls in this cage this great?

Why it's a fucking great white and they're chumming it, you know, bain it it's coming full speed It goes through this fucking cage like it's fucking. I think I saw paper mache just Right through I think that one was a killer. No, no, she got down, but it was fucking Thrashing around. I think I heard that was fake like it was a porn star But I saw one where they got in like they get into them sometimes they typically do. Oh my god. No, okay Yeah, I want to do it. I want to know that's a money business. You got kids man When you had no kids, that's when you have a motorcycle and you eat pussy at a strip club Because it don't matter if the kid wants to lick your fucking fingers

Once you got kids, you can't do that shit. Next thing you know, the kids got a rash. He's scratch He does positive for chlamydia explain that I play around the quality. Fuck that noise That's the shit you do in your 20s. I went that I've always wanted to do it I got you know what I always want to jump off a building to and see if I can live Yeah, what did I go last week Milwaukee? I went outside Early and I went for a walk and went to CVS. I had a by fucking to pay a bunch of shit and I went back And I said, let me get some coffee. It was like 10 o'clock. I don't really have breakfast Maybe it's seven dog. I went downstairs and smoked a tremendous joint tremendous tremendous

Not a regular one of those joints where you get really baked outside. Yeah, the sun's on your face Yeah, and I hear this commotion on top of me And I look up and I counted 12 stories up to a window cleaners Those dudes that get on the fucking Fuck that and I sat there for one of my best friends that they should make it $8 an hour. No No, my buddy left a fucking great lucrative drought to go back to New York to do that. He was a union He worked for the company that did the the fucking towel when I blew up The world's I said, yeah, I mean his brother worked at the world and he got promoted

Washing those windows washing those windows that contracts all around the city. You're steady You're fucking yeah, you're making back you're making union wages and work But have you seen in the wind that sometimes they can like crash against the thing again? No, thank you. Listen, Uncle Joey. Don't do those type of job. Well, you've been to the commies Comedy works in Denver downtown. Yeah, right next. They're off Lermer Square Someone sent me this fucking video some dude climbs up to the top there. No, it's not that tall It's you know, you know, the comments are like base base thing top of the comments door downtown So I'm new climbs up the top there if Lermer Square and it's it's fucking

It's lunch hour on a Tuesday and some dude just sitting up there saying he's gonna commit suicide So of course everyone they're shooting dress from their nine to five gets their phone out film Because they don't think he's gonna do it one boy does it each other face first. How bad stuck Game over had blood blows up. He came over. You died before you hit the phone Just I mean, I can't watch those videos me either. I was like, oh, what's home? What you do? He's gonna he has a squirrel suit on he's gonna bungee jump Lermer Square. This is dope some college kid No, some dude just didn't want to be there anymore. Well, that first with the bolder fresh-eyed bushy tail 22 years old pocket full of cash

Scams out the ass. I moved to 10 12 14th Street I had a four bedroom apartment three other students one Japanese kid didn't fucking speak English And they cut him off cuz he had a white girlfriend I paid him 20 a day to cook Japanese food from every night He go to our file fizz and buy me the nice meetin. We make szechuan beef and shit Then there was a Mexican kid who got smith and smithy with me one night I robbed him and he kept begging me for the money back. I knew it was you He kept saying it was you I worked hard under the sun for that money

The cops came when I blamed it on me because they smell marijuana. Yeah, he ratted me out So I gave him like two weeks. I saw where he hit his money like 300 Fuck came and there was a white dude that played the air guitar. What happened? You have one of the best memories of anyone. I know my god This is you have no brain trauma. No, this is all the drugs every you have zero brain trauma 19 I had a fucking you one of the best memories. I know I had an email from a friend of mine that beat me up Say that I don't remember this whole story. Why are people asking me about I told us find the podcast and I got back to

I'm like, how don't you remember this shit? Have you always had a good memory? Yeah, because it's a lot of like I can remember big moments and like traumatic moments or Negative things, but I don't like to some again like your boy who's like dude I don't remember that shit people tell me like you know this and this I'm like not really man a lot of it I don't when I go home. I hear stories and sometimes I go man. I can I remember it But I don't remember but this shit. I remember like it was yesterday The conversation I went down. You've always had a good memory Since I was a little kid I could go away

Go back to the same place the next year and ask for people My mom would look at me. How the fuck do you remember this shit? You can't see using your brain though doing stand-up like most comments I know are super sharp too. I was good with numbers when I was a child. I was very nice. We had a numbers bank Okay, so There was a rule at the house Renee would call every day at three o'clock if my mom was busy throughout the day Renee would call at three o'clock and whoever answered the phone had to give

Him my mother's numbers for the day So it was like three combination numbers like 325 to 18 sure run numbers to 19 It was just like five or six numbers, but my mom could ask me a week later What did I play to two Tuesdays ago? I could tell me like rain man That's fucking crazy. The we didn't do anything cuz I don't think I was accurate But I had a pretty decent memory and now I feel like most of it's not gone But it's not to where it was. You think the weed made you look cloudy. Yeah. Well, maybe a little bit But then I also like I was trying to think of my fourth grade teacher's name the other day

And I took me like 10 minutes to think of it. Just like weird stuff like that Mr. Bell, I figured I figured it out, but it's a family Laro son. See yeah But I don't know it doesn't make you cloudy at all. Sometimes it does with me Yeah, it probably took some of the years away or certain cloudy things like like there's certain things where my memories really good cuz I click Like football cards when I was a kid and for the most part even today even the pros and then I fell I still don't fall as closely. I can tell you what college they went to Position certain like stats like even old-school things just what college where they're from very strange man We have I also have what do people say when they try to be cute they go

You have Photographic memory a photo Photogenic in it is a photograph We have a weird way of retaining worthless information Like somebody told me that one might be worth this to you, but fuck I make a living off this work It's fucking crazy. Yeah, but the people next door to them on the hill in 1985. This is the hill 1985 He'll still so old weed and I became friends with him. He was like 22 He looked like cousin it and she was like 48 just fucked at that an old hippie chick that smelled

It was a nightmare, but they were the sweetest people in the world and I met this Vietnam vet over there I didn't know he was Vietnam vet We started hooking up in the afternoons. He was a little older than I was 10 years older than me I never knew he was a Vietnam vet, but in the shot And we would hang out in the smoke. He would make me laugh my ass up One day we're across in a fox theater and there's a bodega there roses Is that it roses? I think man. They make chicken. He's in those days

These to make rotisserie chicken. This is way before Boston market everybody else They were known for rotisserie chicken. It's like old Freddy. Hey, do you want to go up there and get a chicken? He goes, yeah, come on. Let's go. We split the chicken. We're sitting right in front of Rose summer of 85 and there's a kid a Top of the fox theater We're both stone to the gills and he's up. They're gonna fuck you's all, you know because a lot of anti Anti-society kids go to both for sure they get rich parents They send them there and then they go there and they start talking those big words about Humanitarian toletarian freedom speech all that shit. They go crazy and boy

They go crazy and both sandals this it's August of 85 This kid's up there yelling and screaming off the top of his lungs and again It's bolder so people are surrounding him and they're going please don't jump Oh, really? Please don't the cops get there and the kids and the cops are yelling at him and Me and Ed are sitting there eating our chicken like nothing happened like nothing happened after about Because the kid was yelling when we walked in we walked into the chicken place that kid was already yelling So by the time we walked out there was a circle and people with color yet coming out going we just called the police Please let them talk to you and right there

I kept eating Fred kept kept getting and once the cops got there We're like 12 minutes in and we're eating the salad. We got a dr. Browns original, so I'm from New York City So when I saw dr. Browns my black cherry soda, are you fucking crazy? I couldn't wait to get back to Colorado get my hand on dr. Browns black cherry and then no there was no diet Then there was nothing you got sugar in that fucking shit. So delicious. Oh my god So they didn't have Doc Browns in New York. They had soda Coca-Cola Yeah, so I couldn't wait to get back to Colorado and I fucking grabbed Well, I'm out there drinking my Doc Browns with Ed

I could see others get madder by the minute What they're fucking up his whole train of thought he's trying to tell me stories about weightlifting and shit and finally goes Hey, you fucking faggot if you're gonna fucking jump jump your fuck And a hundred people I didn't say nothing That was my dog. You know I ain't I got to get you back. I was howling Well, I was howl. Yeah, I knew Ed bro for maybe Five or six years before I knew he's a Vietnam vet. No that he was a trained Assassin goddamn like that's what half a bowl is filled with and people don't know it hippies and assassins

Huh, it's either hippies or assassins. He would be that's what video game. No, that's what happens assassins There was two of them. There was one guy that used to play the bond goes on policy That was his buddy had a agent orange on his face He had like a blue metal on he was telling me it was this guy's guy Like fucking he went to lunch with Nixon Like Nixon lit his cigarettes. Yeah, this PTSD now this get all weird. This is 85 Yeah, they're walking they would go to the vet center like my friend Ed would go to the vet place And they would give him medication they would give money and had a nice little apartment

But I knew that Ed was a Vietnam vet for some reason. I thought he was a medic and one day I went to his house Oh my god He had everything though This guy had everything like purple heart. We never talked about it. No, yeah No, you know, you know, you know, there's a picture him with a bay in that like three Vietnamese guys Like this guy did not fuck around and what did you do? I'm proud. We got an eight ball one night. He just started breaking it down like by three. He was crying He was like I was 19

Shit, yeah, they dropped us off and said kill they took us and and he was tell me how they were picking back up for three Months and then retrain him and he'd go back out there. That's how it goes And he goes with 12 of us would go out and six of us would come back 12 of us would go out and four of us would come back and he just started laying stories on me So I had beefs and both I started having beefs And I would go ahead. What do I do when he would go? Let me think I've had a Solution to everything

It's been through something and he wasn't gonna shoot you. Yeah, he didn't believe in shooting people You want to blow you up? Or like John fire or fucking take you to shatakwa. God. I'll tie you to a tree and put maple syrup on you And let the bears get you Brother have a gun. I got a driver get let that do that repeat because I did about four times For a better each god damn don't they don't need this for your elbow and to some I'm like, oh my god I know they were good. That's why Boulder always had a very weird now. I don't know what Boulder is me. I've been back in

I'm talking about from when I was there from 80 and I've told spoken to Joe about this that I live in Aspen I knew three people up there. I knew one guy dog He was so high up in the government. They were picking up a helicopter They didn't have time for him to go to Aspen Airport. Yeah, damn. They were picking up in the last time We went back to Boulder Denver Then the last August don't show them. Yeah, Boulder. I have not stepped foot in Boulder since there's no comedy club up there right since July This is June 25th of 1995 when you were in Milwaukee you go by yourself. Yes, I took Mike Fultron this time

You know, there's a lot of comments that are working up and up you want to take them out get them exposure Yeah, he's a good kid. We get along. Do you usually go by yourself? He usually brings it depends what comedy club I'm going to because Yeah, because sometimes I'm taking food out of somebody else's mouth and I've been there local Yeah, they already got the week. Yeah, and I'm gonna bring a guy with me So I know what clubs have local guys that are dynamite. Yeah, you've been doing it so long Yeah, so I'm sure you go to New York or something like that. You know, there's me some killers. Yeah That's killers. I got a I got a gay kid that opens for me in New York. There's a bad motherfucker. I love him with all my heart

Funny dude and last year was the big time first time he went in front of a big crowd like that And he did okay the first show but the second show you got lose fire. Yeah, where are we at in New York got them Got them is my spot. No, you're I'm back there in November the week after Rogan goes back on there and June, yeah, it's a great little place. It's done. You really like in this Live performance. Love it man. Love it. How is it the adrenaline compared to fighting? I Watched you before you go up. You're very calm. Yeah drink your social. No. Yeah, you're not pacing. You're not you're very confident

Which is good. Yeah Yeah, I want that I wouldn't say the adrenaline's the same because I don't get the adrenaline I think it's more of I enjoyed a lot like I never I didn't enjoy fighting Is where does that sounds? I didn't enjoy that I enjoyed winning and going to the back just being relieved and getting the Accolades and celebrating that I won the fight but when I'm in the fight I didn't I never enjoyed that like I enjoy stand-up. I love I love being up there I just you know, it's just a it's kind of a different. It's a different feel. They don't really compare They don't the first two minutes on stage for me. I could stab you in the neck

Like that's how much adrenaline and how much anxiety I have going through my body When you're doing I'm assuming when you're doing like a because you've been doing so long doing like a big show No, you know any show any show like you know the comedy store. Yes. Damn you look comments. Fuck you See and obviously I'm news. I'm not trying to compare our experiences at all in the least bit I've been doing this for four minutes now But at the comedy store like I've done fine the kids that sold out Vic theater in Chicago 1100 people New York, you know these big-ass theaters and I'll do us theater in Australia that sold out two shows Nothing makes me more nervous than the comedy store

Why is that you think? The comedy store obviously it's not my it's not my people. It's not my flared people They're there to see Joey Diaz and Joe Rogan and Brian Callan and Chris to Leah and I'm just that you know, I'm this side show So I to get laughs there's gonna be way harder for me and I know that that's why I do it's because it's the best train I can get but also You know, you go there on a fucking Tuesday night. It's Dave Chappelle Chris Rock Joey Diaz like you better fucking bring something or you know, they're not gonna they're not there

They're just to laugh like it better be some shit, man Like I'm nothing makes me more nervous than the comedy store. Nothing. I Used to be nervous about all of them running this show. So you got me beat. No, no, no, no, no, don't get twisted I'm nervous about all I used to look at the audience and judge the audience and get beat up What do you mean? So I picked up a bad habit early on that is great for any and it's The guys in the other room kicking the pads. Yeah, and you're hearing those pads. Yeah, and you're going off same thing happens in comedy You when you go and look at the theater, it's beautiful. Okay, and you look through the curtains That's a bunch of people with white hair

And you're opening up on a pussy, but Then I don't like you. I don't like you. I don't like it. Now you got they have cocked. Yeah So now that that right hand isn't really releasing fucking around has a tent Has a tent not using your bed. It goes your shit and you get they can smell that they smell So when I first started if I'd see people with white hair, I'd lose it I'm not gonna laugh nine out of ten time. They're old people like dirty shit more than young kids Especially an old couple will lose. They're fucked. They'll come up to you later. That's why they're there They're watching what they're not getting anywhere else. Oh tonight. I'm gonna take my wife home and do what you did

Like they want that uncle Joey fucking brawl shit. No see you lose the you know You you could lose the war before you walk in the cage. Yeah, it's the same thing would stand up. Yeah, you know New York minute. Yeah, I mean, I like let me listen as a comic I'm not cheering for the guy in front of me to die as a professional I want the comic in front of me to do the best he can So I have to top that if top your game. That's how you get better as a comic. Yeah, you know you go fucking I got a foundation bow. Yep. I don't want to nobody wants a foundation bow But you do it. Yep. Well to me like going different like the main difference that I see is that you like the trash talking

You're going to fight someone but then I was like I was thinking like sometimes Isn't the saying like you're you could be your own yourself own worst critic So I know it's scary to go fight. Well, so like if you're with your brain all the time saying oh, I'm scared Like that's like more of a torture sometimes maybe I could write all day. I could write for a week And at this level I can still tell you that it all happens the first 30 seconds before I go on stage Everybody psyched myself out Like whenever I used to open for Joe in the old days in red band and we're all friends. He used to all have matching phones So I would look at that matching phones and I would get angry. I

Want to be a bit angry before I go on stage. Hmm, but not really angry. Yeah, that'll fuck up my act Yeah, but I want to have a little wang to me like you did something you spilled the fucking water Brendan I told you not to bring the fucking water really in Brendan. Yeah, Joey. Jesus. Yeah, fuck man. Don't even trip on it Yeah, I'm doing that to fire myself up. Yeah So if I catch you five months before you bump into me, yeah, and it's set and you're like I'm going up next I'll bust your balls for 20 minutes about that. He was like I never did Jesus Christ and then no go He's fucking with your dog. That's a psycho. That's a shit They love it see I like when like

Last time at the comedy store as it was you didn't cook Rogan I like being the back I'll get all shut down cuz I'll get it just in my head I'll go in my set over and over in my head and I'll get very introverted, which I'm not that way I like to fucking talk, you know, I like to talk man But if I don't have friends back there, I really don't talk to anyone So when I see other people on there that I don't talk to you fuck. Yeah Yeah, so I'm back there and you're like, what's up if I like to get that out

That helps me get the nerves out when I can talk to you and just tell stories and I go on stage and I don't overthink it If that makes sense same with fighting a lot of times I'd overthink everything. Oh, he's gonna do this We did was you knew that no just go do your thing man. Do you know it? He knows this and I tell people when people drive I go don't worry about them Do your thing if not you're gonna get hit by the fucking guy. Yeah, just keep fucking driving. Yep with comedy I like to warm up with somebody so it's really weird They I had a comedy friend once I told me he used to like to open up with what happened with his day So for years just get started. I would reflect on my day and what happened

It was hysterical sometimes because you'd have bad days People love when you have a bad day. Yeah, but you're bad. They can relate to it So those first two minutes were just me on a rant from the heart Which people know when a rant is fake hundred percent people know when a rant is from the heart Yeah, it was really interesting how what did it be about what you're a man about? Can be about missing the bus whatever missing the train and this fucking dude got next to me I believe I got arrested this month But you're just using that to get to get going before you fuck it up. You were thinking a whole different

That's why I always say so much Comedy is football because you're half of your life. You're living in audibles. Yeah Half of your life. You're living in more than half. I think Jesus Christ. You know how many times I've gone to the Comedy store 15 minutes that I'm gonna talk about this this and this and that all I can get the fuck out of it Yeah, it's something on the way to the store music the comic before me It's something and you have to adjust to it. Yeah, and it's really interesting the audible part of it Yeah, I don't I don't have a lot of experience like you've been doing 25 years The only audible I've had so far is gonna so I asked me to do a sit

I never turn down a set. I need all the reps I can get right on whatever I do it So it was at the improv in Hollywood They go hey, can you come on? Oh, yeah, no problem. I go down there. Yeah, you should give me 10 15 minutes You know 10 8 to 15 minutes. I so I just assume I was getting 10 to 15 minutes. I get there. He goes you have three minutes What the fuck, you know, that's not I've never done up for you. Yeah, you have three minutes, man You have three minutes do your thing I was like shit and literally when I got there between then there had maybe five minutes I think you know just kind of figure things out

But you know I didn't go great, but when you talk about your auto is just shit like that But I think that stuff helps I feel like dealing with that and trying to adjust whether you hit it out the park or not helps you down the road I like to think so the next time you do three minutes. It'd be better at it a set as a set as a set Yeah, I always believed in You know six minutes ten minutes fifteen minutes I'm really good with ten minutes five like if you go join your showcase for CBS Ten minutes you might as well go home

That's my world because I'll talk fast and I'll do 20 minutes in ten. Yeah, I won't let you think yeah I'll just keep punching him a little bit He just punches to live with hot hot hot hot hot. I love a short set And it's so weird now when you have a 45 minutes that you have to adjust your tone and the speed and let them laugh and Let them say a story. Yeah, it's so weird and but this is all the things you learn through experience It kills me When like I'm we talked about this when I did your podcast Yeah, when people think there's a shortcut no shortcut and there ain't no fucking shortcuts

Whether you want to be a dentist a lawyer a fighter a plumber a comic an actor You could take all the fucking shortcuts you want But I'm telling you the way to get better than anything is just by doing it Yep, just by doing it even if you think you're getting beat up who gives a fuck But what did you get to today? And there's a kid there. That's 265 When he lays on your feels like 9,000 pounds broke and the last time I went there he on top me I couldn't do anything. It's miserable. I couldn't even retain my fucking guard. So I saw him today. That's the first guy So let's go. Yeah, let's go which is rare. Yeah, I'm passing this motherfucker's guard. Yeah, and I passed his guard

He was so strong Like I'm fucking 297 I'm put my shoulder into your chest. I'm sure you got better from doing that though Yeah, he was so strong brah. Yeah, I tapped. Yeah a minute left I had I had one arm for a camo I was trying to come warm and shit But it's so weird how even for me with jujitsu I don't go to jujitsu to be a tournament fighter or nothing I gotta basically breathe to get in shape and to eliminate the fear being on the bottom. Yeah, so for me That's I put it into perspective the same way I did with comedy

When I first started doing comedy, I said, listen, there's nothing I could do There was a commercial when I was younger and a guy comes in Penza and the motto of Penza on those days Are you gonna pay me now or you're gonna pay me late? Which in my mind that we said you get to do the work now Or you're gonna have to go back and do the work later. Mm-hmm, you know, it's like a lot of the guys that won't last comic standing They got success from last comic standing, but they didn't really have 45 minutes to headline Because you get done with last comic standing, then you're out headlining all these clubs So they would go out with 30 minutes 20 minutes and they wouldn't have that time

So they're there. Hey, they came and went, you know guys like Ralphie May they had an hour when they won last Kind of standing on the boat and was a well-known comic. Yeah, Eliza. He's brilliant. Oh, she's brilliant Experiences everything. Yeah, the thing that you have ahead about a lot of people that you you're you're like In the a-leaks Meaning you're you're doing the comedy store three nights a week. You're at the left side. You're at the ice house. Yeah, Joe You know, who else do you go? really Laugh factory

Comedy store and I says was my three and I'll do the improv is young comedian somewhere right now. Oh, man I can't wait to play the improv one day. I'm like kill it and you got it and you have it You have a great opportunity you put it's like those fighters in the U.C. Like how do you get in there and trust me? Trust me brother. I realize it too. So I run with that shit and super fortunate and that puts a different feather in your cap Because throughout the years, you know, what the fuck am I scared of I had a follow normal McDonald's I got The other night commissary was you then went Dane Cook and it's supposed to go Rogan, but he wasn't there he was coming from the belly room and

Sam Tripoli say shop you got to go after Dane Cook and then you introduce Rogan So I was sandwiched between Dane Cook and Rogan like that my experience and it's so strange man the way life works my my Football career my UFC career has always been thrown just thrown to the sharks. It's just that for whatever reason. That's that's how it's been I bless you. Yeah, a lot of people don't have that experience. You have to learn from being there Yeah, you get run over on the end. There you go Well, I've been fortunate because the thing that prepared me somewhat of it And I have a long ways to go but doing the live find the kid podcast with Brian Callan because I'm in from that You know my first show is at Irvine sold out show. So I'm used to these crowds

I'm used to that doing that for a year and then the commissary was hey, man We'd love for you to do a set here. Okay, you shit. Well, what do you like find the kid you want me and Brian? No, no, no, we want you to do a city. Can you do 10 minutes? Oh, yeah, I mean I could I can figure something out and that's how it started So just that that kind of that experience going through the live find the kids traveling around doing these sold out shows is what Yeah, I'm a good time. Love it man. Now is Callan going to Australia with you? No, no It's why I'm showing how long on stage you're gonna do. I mean, I'm there for you know, I do I do my comedy So it's half comedy half, you know, current events which is improv on the current events And then I do a breakdown of the big fight and then I do fan question

So it's usually two hours to our show for you. Yeah, just to have those legs Yeah, like when I first started doing comedy I had a time run Like at six minutes. I'm running off that fucking stage. Yeah, like I wouldn't have the balls to even say I'm gonna step there for an hour Yeah, no, my show is at least 90 minutes. Yeah 90 minutes enough the current event I can find some fucking humor in a roast in some one of the Situations, you know, it's fun man. You're having a good time. Why don't you time? It's a different type of experience time of my life man And you you kind of you control your destiny me

It's different than you know that none in fine or sport you don't control your destiny But there's variables, you know, you there's there's certain you might not get this matchup or this fighter this sponsor You might not get the main event here that you know, cuz there's factors. You can't control This and this journey of my now I control this shit You know, I'm saying like I had cyborg on my podcast the other day Man, if I was still in the UFC and you heard that there's gonna be some repercussions, man They might shut me down a lot if I was working for Fox probably wouldn't enter that podcast Now you can't do shit. It's just it's just a different lane, man

Just a differently is there a reason why you didn't go like the acting route or or maybe you are I don't know But it's it like it is a reason why you chose cut to stick with comedy I mean, I've had some offers act and I've you know, I've had some some cool things come up But you know comedy is hard enough man. I'm behind eight balls. It is you know, I gotta get going I got a lot of work to do like I love doing this like this this is what I want to do You know, if there's some special thing in acting where it didn't take time away from my family or comedy I'd be down if it's the right thing. No, I I even meant like just in the sense when you were finished fighting Or when you stopped fighting in the UFC and you could you could have been in like an action movie

It seems like there's a little less of a barrier to entry Like it's a little easier maybe to act in the action movie for you or a football movie No for me. No, okay, cuz the the the podcast at the time, you know, we have a comic Brian I'm a podcast so that thing started gaining legs Okay, and then you know Acton's just you know, I got offered play Oh play the bad bad guy bodyguard in the movie like I don't want to fucking do that. That sounds terrible I'm on set just sitting around, you know, the Comedy is something I've always been fascinated by. I want to be a fan of comedy. Oh shit

I mean might be this is what strange when people hear this, you know, my heroes were Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler growing up How old are you brother 33? Wow And what was 34? Just one was the first time you were exposed to a guy with a microphone How old were you think back? I mean your dad your mom you ran my mom my mom every Saturday night Religiously, we'd watch Saturday night live. So you thought, you know, so you're seeing I'm seeing all those people in there Those were my heroes. That's what I wanted to do like a fucking anything Saturday night live, man It's and that's that's my high school. You did not take a drama class Nothing in Denver wasn't there was no outlet not performing arts in high school. No, my my issue was is

You know curse and you know, I probably wouldn't be here if I didn't take the route of sports But you know, I was blessed to some degree with an athletic body. I was good at catching footballs I was I was the fast-getting class but you know So that you usually don't you know do that in drama and also in Denver really, you know, my family It wasn't no one really thought about it. No nobody ever fucking thinks about it. Yeah, nobody ever says, you know what? I think I'm gonna get to stand them calmly because the first thing they're all gonna go. You're not funny. Tell me a joke Yeah, I know you're not funny. That's not funny. My mom was the first one when she she saw me do a show at the the commie works in

Denver in Denver and she was like She's like when you were eight I was telling people you'd be getting into some some form of show business My mom's really the only one who called it And Brian Callum probably like six years ago. I was wrapping my hands in the gym getting ready to spar some monster I'm telling everyone's story and they're laughing. He goes, you know, you're gonna do stand-up Eventually you're fucking crazy. I'm literally wrapping my hands about to spar this fucking behemoth And he goes, you're gonna be doing stand-up. I mean, you're you're out of your mind. You're fucking crazy, you know, Brian I'm with you're fucking crazy

So my mom and Brian are the ones You know, it's there's a guy still talk to Jim Andy. In fact, I've had I've had him call into the store Out into the podcast twice the beginning of the year Because he's the guy that turned me on into he turned me on into goals When they used to sell cars used to go come in though, you got to write goals down every day blah blah blah blah And I would tell him man. I want to start doing comedy and shit. I would do like little shows the showroom And I'd be ripping those people outside and stuff And one day I went to the back to have his son wash one of the cars

And the son comes up to me goes, you know, man, my mom and dad have been having a lot of problems lately He goes, it's weird on the drive here. He said he felt like Quitting his job and just getting the car. We're even taking you on the road. This is Four years before I got into comedy. Yeah, and people were telling me like listen, bro Give it a shot. You know, are you fucking retarded? Do you know the type of person you have to be? Yeah, they do one background check And then they're like, no, I finally don't do background checks. There's no background check. I didn't fucking know I thought they were gonna give me a background check or blood test or some shit

But it's it's uh, like I still talked a lot of my friends from grammar school And they won't say we knew it. They'll say you were just funny. Yeah Like you were funny. So we had an idea somewhere, but then you became a criminal. So you became a criminal So kind of took a fucking weird road. He came back around you found yourself Are you one of those guys joy where you say we think it's your calling? Like you think you're put on this earth to be a comedian Not at all You don't think so. You don't think you have a gift

Not at all I laugh at night I go these fucking idiots. I got the truth I swear to god, you're crazy, man You also have a special skill set and when the top comedians in the world Joe Rogan labels you the funniest man in the world It's funny because I still remember being in front of the deli when we hung out in the front jersey

Do you know what I'm saying? Like I could still close my eyes and see me and Volano and Askelis and fucking Ronnie a bunch of us And you to talk in that circle You better be you better bring your shit. You're a good bring your shit And I remember that I was always closed out the circle. Yeah Like I let them do that shit and I just go on a fucking rant And I take my dick out and I chase somebody And they would go fucking bananas, you know, I never ever ever I watched it on tv

I used to listen to Richard Pryor albums and it What blew me away about Richard Pryor the first time I heard him was I come from Cuba I had never heard that type of language like I heard my mother say cocksucker Or motherfucker or something not like Richard Pryor, but nothing like Richard Pryor like I took Richard Pryor home more It wasn't the stand-up aspect It was the what the fuck was he doing

And then I took the stand-up. I watched some carlin specials. Yeah, David Brenner was big. I still remember freddie prince Yeah, when freddie prince was rocking and rolling But Pryor was the one that really bit into it for you and I bought by centennial niggas. Is it something I said? I mean, I bought all those albums as a fan game changer for you. I watched a movie I was there when he lived himself on fire. I lived through all that trauma. I was a fan of his and then I don't know I feel like there's some commentary and you can look at and like I can see how he does it I don't know if I have those skills but I can I can see what he's doing

You know, like he wrote a bit. He's doing his thing and then there's other comics like my hero is jim carrey I felt like I looked at him was like god I mean that I can't do any of that There's no fuck like if that's stand-up and that's what I thought stand-up was like I I didn't have the george carlin's all that stuff I thought that was I'm good with ace ventura the first what oh my god ace ventura and part two I ask the first one is my shoe the second one. I love to set the first one. I didn't want to go. I took my nephew I took my nephew and my daughter like I'm bolder and I was howling game game changer Bro howling for my my mom allowed me to miss two weeks of school. I saw it goddamn eight times

My mom worked across from the share creek mall. There's a theater there I would I would pretend I was sick. My mom knew I was doing she's bringing her to her work And then she would give me four dollars and I'd look at it was 11 o'clock Movie 11 a.m. I'd fucking go over there. I'd go to miss fields cookies I'd get a cookie sandwich with ice and double chocolate chip vanilla ice in the middle Get my ticket and sit there day after day after day. I was fucking obsessed with it So I used to sell cars at cherry creek dodge jeep. Yeah, there you go dug dandy dug dandy dog That was his name dealing dog dealing dog

I used to shop lift those malls. They used to go to movies there. Yeah, man. That was for cherry creek Cherry, you know now that you said it. I gotta be honest with you. I cannot lie to you The path was very simple like it was laid out for me Like it was laid out for me very scary. I went to prison Before I got locked up there was a guy But I did not like too much when I worked with him We didn't like each other and one day this guy came up to me And he goes, you know, you don't think I like you that long. I don't know if you like me or whatever

I'm a little on the straight side. He goes, do you know what I did? Before I retired and took this job as a sales manager And I go no, this is two weeks before I got locked up Two weeks before I got locked up he goes When I got arrested in bold, I was working at bill crowd Subaru on 28th street. This was on 28th street Grant that was the guy's name. God bless his soul I had worked there and he didn't like my style of selling He didn't like that. I was like a fucking savage

And he came up to my name because I don't like him. So I just stayed away from yeah And about a week later, he came up to me. You know, you know what I did before anything because I was the booker for one of the casinos in vegas And he goes, I gotta tell you you might have a career to stand up coming And I looked at them. I go, are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking crazy? Then I got arrested Thought went right out the window It wasn't until my my little girl at the house wasn't even a thought

If I come to you and say, you know what you should play the harmonica And you're like, Joey, I'll think about that. Yeah, okay. Let me go get a fucking That's how quick like by the time I got in the car and I went and got that wreck Don't even think about it that bag of coke. It was gone. Like I never thought about it It was that crazy to you it like it was like the harmonica like you you wouldn't even consider it's like me coming to you and going You know what leave that little orange. You should play the fucking bow Like, you know, I don't orchestra the hollywood bowl. I hook you up I got a connection down there. That's so crazy. I mean think about it

Like I just got my car and went home and then I got arrested Went through the process ended up at camp George Weston golden Let me see this joy. How what how old were you when you did your first set? Was it open mic? Yeah, it was open mic of the Denver comedy works on a Tuesday night three minutes and how old were you? 32 So I got locked up at 25. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was a little early. We'll count it down. I got locked up at 25 When I was in there

Shit would happen and they would always in the kitchen. No in the kitchen I would I was a stock clerk and I would fuck around with the black inmates. Yeah, if the food wasn't good, I'd go Don't do it. Yeah, I yell across this the thing the brothers are going to go like this to them Don't do and they go goddamn it. We got to eat reserves again because they all had food in their rooms Yeah So one day the projector broke and I would go on stage they would go to you but go and something happened That they said tell them what happened today Like it was one of those things

So I'll tell you what happened. Fuck the mr. Yardboro by that one because you're a good storyteller Something like that and then like a week later. They say the projector broke me go Cuba Go up there and crack some jokes and this went on for about four or five weeks So it's kind of your first open mic Mike is kind of The black guys there was three junkies working the no material working the crowd No material just working. It's straight black Mexican white. Look at this fucking dude The rough crowd but they're looking for entertainment and they all dug me and they all got along me and never had any beef

And then there was this white dude from Buffalo killed his wife and her boyfriend And he was at the end of a 22 year beat And then he had to go to Buffalo and survey years. Fuck and he rolled his own cigarette. He was very nerd You knew about every book He would get the deep arguments about Nietzsche with everybody and shit And I would go in there every day after because my job was very limited My job was like two hours an hour and a half and then I had the rest of the day after about 4 30 So I go to the library and read the paper the sports page and I return a book

And one day bro, he came up to me to give me a notebook Which is big in jail Like together a notebook, you know those old hardcover ones That look like he did a hit of acid and they're black on white and then it's his name and subject Like it was one of those and he goes take this And I go why and he goes see you can write your jokes like he was like like like this guy killed his wife And the guy that was cheating on him with But smart comes up to me with a note because take this

Because you're gonna need this you should write your jokes on it like he was happy. He gave me something I'll never forget and I go, what's this for? He goes so you can write your jokes, man. He goes you did really good last week I'm like i'm not a comedian I just go up there and fuck around and he looked at me like He goes so wait a second when you go up there on thursdays, you're not prepared I don't know when the fuck you see me right now. Yeah, why the fuck am I gonna write? Yeah, and he goes lesson, man

When you go out of jail, you should try this is a guy killed his wife. Yeah, I'm gonna listen to you So done Done did I think about it after that? Yeah Maybe once or twice. Maybe they were on to something But then i'm like, what the fuck's the guy know if he knew anything about entertainment, he'd be leds up and manage it And what the fuck was the other hippie joey? Yeah, if he'd done everything he wouldn't kill his wife. Yeah, and I got a job roofing I went to work with my in-laws and so you're in prison for how long?

Four or five about 14 months all that's it. I go to bold if I start selling cars Okay, and then after I get out of boat after I get out of the halfway house I go to work from my in-laws And I work on a roof and then for like six or seven months Then they make me an estimate they send me to training school and I go to different rubber Carlisle and Goodyear and they all train me on how to measure their roofs and shit So there's one winter like uh, you know like and I tell people all the time, especially bolder Bolder's only then the bold is only called the last two weeks of December the first two weeks of January. That's not bad

That's it. Yeah, but I think it's all snowy and oh my god That's second week of january. It was coming down and we couldn't work There was a high load dropping off materials So all we had to do was go to the roof shovel the roof And then put the materials on the roof and we were going to go out to eat lunch But something happened with all the snow that they couldn't get the thing So my brother-in-law goes dog. Do you want to go to the diner and get everybody green chili? Boulder makes them get green chili now bolder has some this is this is like south Denver

Okay, this is before they developed off to 70 like one of those warehouses that's real long But two blocks away the green chili was money and you could either sit in the boot to go up to the counter And I just walked up to the counter. There was a Rocky Mountain post And you know like when you open up a paper just open it Rocky Mountain news There's Denver post right now. I got confused. You know when you open up a paper like that just to see this Yeah, just like what that's going on here Right there in big bold letters It said do you want to be a stand-up comedian? What the fuck?

And there was a picture Andy Payton I still remember the comedian like up there and it said Because rosanne had just hit a Denver. She ought to start there. So so but she had just hit out of Denver She took some of the riders with her You know with some of those riders and Denver wrote her first hour Denver now is fucking hopping people people don't realize that rosanne got her start. Yeah, no right there That was it. And then the blue note in Boulder. Nobody even knows about the blue note. That was a jazz bother They just started cooking they burnt the down. Oh, yeah, the blue note was where rosanne jeff harms

Todd Jordan returns those guys. There was a crew of them that had an improv troupe jeff harms The guy who read me the ride actor. I almost killed one night matt woods matt berry is a gazillion there now He writes after shows and something's on right now. That's his yeah, he keeps writing. So that little crew in Denver helped rosanne so I'm in this diner and I open this up brand and there it is Do you want to be a stand-up comic another sign joey and it was just like

Comics flock and if you opened it up It had like the open mics in town One night you had a call but in the bottom it said see you boulder Three week stand-up comedy course 35 hours Sunday is one to four I signed up I took the three-week class. What was that class like?

You went up there. He broke it down for you. He brought a notebook in and you broke it down He told you what books to get and it helped you you'd review the books and then he made you do three one minute at the end of three weeks And after class he goes can I talk to you for a second? He goes listen, man I don't know what you're playing somebody goes. You got a future in this. Fuck. He goes if you like I hope you had that goes a long ways. Fuck. Yeah. He goes at least you're on to something so he took my number and then They opened up a comedy club in Westminster

called I forget what the wits end And I went up there and I applied and I used him as a reference and they gave me the job as a doorman Are you a religious man joey? I am now because i'm 50. Are you? No, I was a path. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. Yeah a bunch of signs there Then I took the dj booth and I took the bar back And then it took me. I'm not gonna lie to you bro. It took me six months to gotten stays the first time

Maybe eight months. I you know, I would cancel the night. Yeah, I would call they give me the spot Then I call them and sound like all blew up or some shit like that making shit up. No, but this is the beauty of it I got on stage july 18th. No june 18th and 1991 I got on stage the second time july something In the meantime, I was a doorman Then I was a dj. I was the everything. I was a doorman that I became the dj Then I bar back and then

I got on stage twice in august And in september I got on stage one time in boulder And one time in new york city. I went to new york city to clean my head. Their house wasn't doing well My house at the time me and my wife and the baby It wasn't clicking. I was I was roofing From six to six and I basically come home take a shower and go to the comedy club took that It wasn't jealous

I went to new york. I made a decision. I'm gonna still do comedy, but I'm gonna work on the relationship And I really did and one day coming in october and she looks me clean I gotta tell you what really happened like I really wanted to do stand up But Nobody was gonna go for it You understand me. There was no way I could do it meaning Was it tough to tell people are you gonna do it financially?

The situation I was in The people I was surrounded with at the time. It just wasn't gonna work for me to do stand up. Sure. There was no way Like I could still keep my day job and do sets at night That was the plan keep the roofing job get rid of wits and stuff on your family And do the sets at night. You're also not that young either. Oh, please 21 So no, I got on stage 91 the first time I got on stage. I was 28 years old. I lied to you guys I just didn't know it was 20 to 32 so

It was tough Like brendan, it was tough like it was burning in me. Yeah Like I knew that this is what I wanted to try at least But you know going down that road this family life's probably fucked this family life. We had bought a condo already We had done a lot of things together. We had a baby, but the relationship was slipping I just thought this was a hump in the road with the relationship But I kept thinking about jesus christ So this is what i'm gonna do the rest of my fucking life. I'm gonna work on a roof monday through friday

Saturdays I got the baby And sunday is me and her take the baby up to the in-laws house. We did it And we listen to the same stories about fucking germany over and over again every fucking weekend Is this it and then one day when i'm 65 i gotta go fucking watch. This is it This is what you're fucking telling me and I mow my lawn and I shovel snow. Fuck you. That's my activities I swear to god. I was i was fucking dying. I'm like, I can't believe I can't believe that as american Or anything else that they make you go to college at 18 to pick your fucking card for the rest of your life When you have no idea how to wipe your fucking asshole

They want you to pick your fucking major and label yourself So now you're 21 you're 60 000 in debt I was just gonna say any uh debt and now you have to pick your choice and you realize You know what to say what I fucking want to do 60 000 is nothing that's what Yeah, that's the that's and that's what happened. I'm like, what the fuck and I got a kid and I got a fucking wife What the fuck am I gonna do? You know what i'm gonna do? I'm gonna quit the comedy job And i'm gonna fucking roof and i'm gonna maybe monday's tuesdays and wednesdays

After babies and sleep. I go out and do jokes. I bought judy carter's comedy workbook I bought jean perre's how to write comedy. I mean I did everything I could I was trying to write right right right right I went down to boulder broker. You know what that is. Yeah the meat market on wednesdays They did comedy there on tuesdays Wow And I went and begged my way out there on tuesday nights right off baseline there right on basically the guy said joey I don't know. I got a magician as the host Let me go up there and do time and I got up there one tuesday and he goes joey, you're not bad

This is good. They like she goes. Yeah, the magician's kind of rusty. Like give me time And all of a sudden a month later. He calls me goes. Hey man Oh Bex beer Is bex. Oh, yeah, bex beer is doing a national comedy competition and this the the regionals They're gonna do them here every tuesday So he goes. I want you to come down and do the contest And I was fired up. I went down there and guess what brendon? I fucking want damn

I wanted tuesday maybe my seventh time on stage. I had a stupid joke about Godzilla Making a comeback and coming out of the Hudson and shit and Chinese people dying. I mean, I didn't even know what I was saying I was nervous. I would do real fast And I took a loan out my friend came to me because I had a car bro. It's perfect for you Give me four who sold for 67 Because I didn't know what to get to 4,000 So I go what if I'm gonna get to 4,000 bro So I said, you know what I went up to the university of Colorado and I signed up

For fucking nine classes. I just let me see if I can get away with this And right there I applied for a 26 25 loan And like two days later they're like, yeah, I'm picking up private. So I picked up the 26 25 I took a thousand on my account. I bought this car. I think I made 2,400 or something on the car I don't fucking remember but I made a good piece of money and I thought And I went right back to the school next day. That's how I got to resign my credits I'm just gonna pay you back the loan I paid back the loan. Yeah, nice little hustle. It was about three weeks later

I walk in my house and my ex-wife is sitting there with the letter in her hand She goes, you never told me about this I said, what do you think paid for the fucking car last month and everything I go I made 20 I sold the car And she goes, I gotta tell you I'm not I'm not uh I'm pregnant. I gotta tell you something at the time my mom died. Like I didn't have a good I didn't have a bad childhood. I just didn't have a family Type childhood when I was 19, everybody was talking about pussy. Yeah, I already knew I wanted to get married Yeah, like when I was 19, everybody was telling me I was three or 54 and getting that dick suck

I'm like, this shit ain't for me. Not the player life. I want a wife. I want a kid No, I want what I never had. Yeah So for the first time I had this bitch just didn't feel right And this bitch looked me straight in the face. Brandon and she goes, listen I'm gonna move out So I'm done and I'm gonna take my kid for divorce. I'm gonna take the child while I'm split custody white girl White girl, let me tell you something. You know me go for the first 30 seconds It's done. Fuck. Yeah a little bit

But after that a cloud came over me. No, it only thought about is Now I can do comedy. Yes I was almost a relief. Oh my god And I was in love with her the way and I loved the baby But I couldn't deal with her anymore. We had gone through everything we could together. She did you a favor? She did me a favor. It was fucking crazy Like when she said that to me I didn't know how to feel. Yeah, like I the regular guy if a regular guy didn't have anything to look forward to

He would have collapsed. Yeah, I didn't because I'm like the I mean, finally It was 35 seconds later when that talk came in my mind. I go. Oh my god. I can do comedy I could do fucking comedy now later, bitch I lost her daughter over it. Yeah, you know, I dedicated myself to this, you know But I always knew even if I stayed in bold I wasn't gonna be her father the way I was supposed to I just saw the card you talked to her now No, we still haven't talked 10 12 years now. Really? I hit her up on twitter two weeks ago And she's still

Gonna talk for a while. Yeah That has to bother you a little bit It bothers me because I see The relationship I have my four-year-old tonight, which by the way almost didn't let me come in tonight My 50 month old almost didn't let me almost didn't let me come in one second the crib any way you go She only asked me twice a week Tonight she goes I gotta work. She goes, maybe you shouldn't go to work tonight. Maybe you should stay home and watch call

Wally because I am with me And she goes when she started reading off the episodes really more It's tough, man Victor the villain and fucking the mom whatever It's tough if I don't have a set I have people asking new podcasts all the time. Yeah, no, no, I'm home too. I'm fucking home I'm home this weekend. It's not dire important. I do not fuck around at night. It's gotta have an envelope Friday, I'm going to the family dance the school dance. Oh nice. I'm gonna eat some stars of death I'm gonna get fucked up put some vizena in my eyes

And I'm taking a whole fucking family to this, you know, you need to do that. I'm not you lose your family You don't have a family and them without What would you know only say a man without a family is not a man. Yeah A man who doesn't spend time with his friend. I didn't know that when I was 26 I thought your wife or somebody who stabbed in the ass once a week. She did your laundry and she cooked No, man, boy was I'm mistaken at that age. I was a fucking animal You're young and this is why I got what I got but it was weird when she told me She was done. It was like I hadn't

I went right for county like she was gone maybe A week and I already had a list of my biggest favorite. She could have done That's how I justified. I mean, I'm still angered that I look at this four-year-old and I see how tired I am with a Jackie and me were even tighter So for her to turn on me like this for her not to talk to me something was said to her Well, she's only get one side of the story something was done. The mom's going. This is your dad. This is what fucking happened She would just sit that how old is she now 27 come on. Yes, something would happen She's on enough now where she can make a decision where you at least want to hear your dad out

And because of this this time i'm gonna contact an attorney I don't like press charges. Like I really do. I got a case of you But I go, you know, what do you know when out of that joey? It you have to be up to I want to hit her like a Jew. I want to hit her in the pocket I want to make her pay. I could probably get some type of settlement. I don't need to do that You're absolutely right. I don't like one of my it's up to that 27 year old to figure out that one of my dad's not a bad Fucking guy one of my only do so i'm not I could sit here bang my head I could take a plane to haspen

Where she lives and maybe get charged with something She'll come around again. Yeah, man. I'm straight that that's what bothers me beside that. No, i'm not bothered at all I got a second chance And i'm not missing a fucking beat people look at me and go, what the fuck are you? Listen All this shit. This is nothing you could die. This is you can't take nothing with you I can't take the microphones this mule I would take this to the deepest debt like if there was an earthquake right now They would find me on the here whole

This is the best bong ever of all time. This is known to fucking put people in the trances and shit You know, but it's like Uh, I know i'm not angry at all. Yeah, I got a second chance I try to do the best I can and i'm like you you don't have a fucking envelope I love you to death. I can't do it. I ain't happening, man And even with the envelope sometimes even them. Yep. I gotta stay home and pay attention over there The wife everybody needs to get paid attention. No, I turned out a tv show in uh, new york As you began for six eight eight happening

We got six weeks. Take me away from my kids six weeks ain't happening And you know what what i'm gonna do take a plane here on friday and get back on the plane sunday Ah, fuck you then monday walking around room wounded and sadly you're walking around wounded like a zombie man You kid recognize that? It's the law of diminishing returns if I learned anything i'll see you Anything was intro to micro economics It's the law of diminishing returns. Yeah, well the best is saying learn how to say no to shit, right? Well, there's a lot of shit. Listen, I moved here. I'm not gonna lie to you at all Brandon. I did everything

I did everything. I did everything except extra work. Yeah If you had five shows in one night and your show didn't pay I'd still be there. Yeah, because I knew The result the result would be i'm only getting better you're working on your crap You would go and tell your friends. I got joke days to do 20 minutes. Mom. He's a fucking sucker. You're a sucker, bitch Yeah Because I got your audience and I did what the fuck I wanted. I tried new jokes You know, you you do three four sets a night. I would go to Uh boil heights. I would go to fucking all we used to go in the hood jack. Yeah, that's the training grounds

I don't even know who still has rooms but those rooms are tremendous Those little mexican rooms is like hallmark. They sell tacos outside the bar and shit Mondays Tuesdays some of them give you 35 some of them give you 50. It doesn't matter. Yeah You're just going after they do sets and get better in front of different defenses. Yeah, these people have a tv ever. Yeah These people have a tv on It's like when I was the house emcee in the broke bowl the broken Comedy night was 15 bucks. Plus you got a steak and a big potato Had a bowl of shrimp remember they were known for shrimp whenever you went in there. Yeah, here's the problem

I gotta be funny enough For you to put that steak there. Yep You're competing with the food different animal. Yeah, so when you go to these bars and then the spanish bars as I call them They're people. They're human beings Half of them are sitting half of them standing Half of them are shooting pool and now they got to stop shooting pool And the other half were watching that fucking leg again. Yep, and we had to shut it off You better be funny, bitch. Yeah

This you know what I'm saying? So the level of commitment so you get To face more defenses You're sharpening the sword. You just and you're dying. You're you're you're just going out. They're all just going through your head And you're like, oh shit. I should have used that joke. It don't matter Because I got a cent 30 in marina. Don't worry. I'll try it there. If not, I got 11 15 at the comedy store Yeah, and in those days, I didn't care what time I got to the comedy store. I'll get there. They'll put me up I'm on the list. Yeah, so I didn't even look at the clock at the comedy store. It didn't even matter I was just gonna get there at midnight and go up in front of eight people. Anyway, maybe 12, you know what I'm saying?

So it's a system the endurance of it. Like it's just Yep, it was crazy, man It was crazy and I did the same and believe it or not. I had the same system in colorado. Yeah Mondays, I did the mondays. I did the outback in boulder Across from the pot of car wash. It's like an australian bar They had a back vault that seated 20 Mondays, I do that Tuesday to do the county works Wednesdays. I do club 52

Off of commerce Commerce city. Yeah, commerce city. Yeah fucking guy was nervous impersonators And you got to follow him put that in your pipe and smoke it Thursdays. I did el turritos And cherry creek down there off the exit. You know what you're talking about? Yeah They gave you 25 hours coupon and a free dinner to do stand-up. So you always had the free coupon Things got bad. Let me get four bucks. Where you going out to read on cherry creek jack? I got a free dinner with abs The fuck you think you're dealing with

So what do you work on now? You got to work on a special. What's the Since I last shot I shot my special in october I just started throwing things up in the air kind of recent. Yeah, and I haven't really Put nothing on paper yet The last month I've been putting shit on, you know, I could come up with 10 minutes in your city I could come up with 10 minutes about the flight and your city for sure. You know, I'm saying so right there I had 10 minutes at a new I may have 10 15 new but the basic of the act is the same and I got sick of it

Don't so last saturday when I got up stage in michigan, I go, that's it. I'll never say this material again Feels good. I'm home right now to july 18th working. I have bray in the kitchen. No, I have brayer. That's it And what I've been doing lately is getting up early and going to Marie T Writing for an hour or two I come home. I hang out with the baby. I take him to school Then I do another hour or two of writing and then I do whatever I do like monday. I had a meeting Tuesday I just couldn't sleep until I went to jiu-jitsu. You see you see netflix is their the folks in Obviously, they still have their hours, but they're their folks on 30 minutes, right? They offer me a half hour

That's probably what I'm gonna work you with fucking slump. Yeah, I would slow down the first person I thought of yes. We're the same agent. Yes. So no, I told him as soon as he brought it up You were unhappy. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Good luck competing with that I would think I'm like to like buffalo where I could take those motherfuckers on a juggernaut of a ride Yeah, this damn it a city like that. Uh, nyak. Yeah, I'll take him to nyak, new york. That's a fun motherfucker. Yeah take him to There's a couple clubs that you walk in there And as you leave and you're like this club is perfect a tape. Yeah, some type of special. I thought of you right away when I heard that

No, there's a lot of little opportunities. You know, I'm just sitting back You know, man, I'm the type of guy I take my set seriously. Like this is the first time in my life. This is happening Yeah, and I learned a lot of this from joe. Yeah, Joe once told me because you know The interview joe d'amagine. He goes every night. You got to play your heart out Because somebody might be watching you might die that night. Yeah, and you had a shitty game You know, I mean, you know what? I'm sure he came really It really hit me and I was like, he's right and that's why I have a problem with the comedy store also What do you mean? I have a problem with the comedy store now not personally or anything. I still love it

it's Listen, bro I was deep and I was fucking doing crazy shit You know, I didn't know where the fuck my life was going and all of a sudden I fell into this comedy store Before I got to the comedy store. I read like 10 books on comedy and they all imagine the fucking comedy store Come on. This is the most legendary place on earth. This is the place to be. Yes. Guess what? Still is guess what? What's up? Even though I got the families Even though my kid don't talk to me even though I never really got the fucking college degree at the end

Even though I had all these shortcomings, you guess what, bro? I was a regular at the store made by mix mitzy. Yeah, that's like being a gambino. That's a big deal. Callo gambino making a gambino Yeah, that that's don't matter Callo gambino made me a gambino. Yeah. Fuck that bitch. Okay. It's not you know when nobody in this town. I mean dog Brendan they all hate me Ask Joe Rogan Joe Rogan. I'll sit here and tell you people used to tell me other comics Comics managers agents wanted to hit you comedy club owners would tell Joe He you can't bring him here no more and Joe would love it. Why because I was up, you know loud and dirty

and but then something happened I booked a movie And once you book a film people look at you differently and whether it's a film or a commercial Or a tv show because now they can't say no to you. They can't fuck with you Because eventually you could become somebody's kind of made most likely you ain't gonna be dick Yeah, but you did this movie that and that's when some people paid attention But for the most part dog, I've always had a shitty agent Always I've had like the coloring book. Yeah and fucking uh smith and less than you know

I've had so what's your problem with the company store now the company store for me right now today I used to go to the workout There's nothing like working out There's nothing like going on stage for the 28 people And going, you know what I'm gonna talk about cyber police. I'm a death leprechaun dry And going up there and going on a tirade about it and having a tape recorder in your pocket. Okay And you go home and listen to the tape recorder you I could use this I could use that got laughs What happens at the company store now is it's so high level

You ain't got time to dicken to go in there and throw out duds. That's the pro ball. It's the pro ball. You better shine So, you know I'm trying to fuck it's sold out every night every night every night. So for me to do what I want to do Right now what I need to be doing. I can't do it down there. I feel you I see what I'm up with You know I'm saying and they're bits. I got they want classic jolt I got bits that are starting and I don't want to be fucking listen, bro I got to shoot something Tomorrow in the afternoon. So that's why they dyed my hair and doing the fair for a friend of mine

I'm playing the young basketball courts. Then in september he's gonna shoot me again with white hair But I got white hair. I can't go on stage talking about eating pussy and eating ass So you got to talk them about what's going on in my life. What really I'm saying like I'm trying to really break it down I could have done this special they even asked justin to do a special dirty If I would go all out and I'm like You feel like you've outgrown that I outgrew it Yeah, I'm on to storytelling comparing what's going on then to now and have them different bang. That's it Every comment goes through that though, right? Yeah, you talk about what's relevant in your life

Listen, you want to do a midnight show and people know we're gonna be dirty and we're gonna have a good time I'll go up there and talk about fucking sucking your liver out. Yeah, but I'm not doing that shit at eight o'clock anymore You know, I don't want people to go home and go. He was funny, but he was just dirty. He was vulgar I see what you're saying. That makes sense That's what always killed me That's what always made me defan fighters in the ufc

And we've had this discussion already And that's why I've taken comedy so seriously Maybe the last eight nine years because of what I saw at the ufc. What do you mean guys that have a strong weapon But they refused to work on the rest of their arsenal Oh, and then you found out because of the dependency of that strong weapon and eventually and eventually everyone sees it It's it's horrible. And I'm not talking about a guy like Houston, alexander Who couldn't wrestle one day somebody put him on his back and it was horrible He was back there for an internal, you know, but would have used him the first minute

You were in danger seeing fucking animals flying and shit like that. Well the game evolves fat It evolves fast. Look at ronda. Look at there's a bunch of got anthony pedis There's a lot of guys with the game evolves super super fast and it's so weird how You know, you see them on the card. You see the Ufc countdown. Yeah, and they'd be out there. Let me tell you something when he feels my power Oh, yeah, and I go this guy's gonna lose Yeah And they show the other guy this time this guy did half his training at

Jackson's and he did the other half with hensel graces And this guy's still at home on the farm with his friends and his father-in-law. Yeah, you're like, what the fuck are you thinking? Yeah, you're better. You know what I'm saying? You gotta get better. He's almost I read my father was a system wrestling coach at The high school. That's great guy. That's 1960 fucking two. He's still thinking about what's that louis. What's that? What's that move and they get you know, half louis. What's that? Nelson This is the ufc, bitch Let me miss it friend. No, none the least bit never

Man, how did you stumble upon the ufc? Uh Like it but first i'm ever seen it No, no, like how do I start you played see you both played see you see you both now Well, you're gonna see you both you're taking hensel gracing jujitsu. What are you doing? I'm taking uh, some classes in the summer at easton's BJJ and boulder. I'm going over there after my training camp Going over just because I was interested and I thought I could do it Maybe and then I had a quick cup of coffee with the buffalo bills training camp

And then realize, you know, I that wasn't gonna be a life for me, you know, it's heartbreaking and then uh It was a cardio kickboxing coach at la boxing I was just training training training and then it kind of just fucking took off I met the right people meaning that the at the time You know, nate marquardt's gym nate was in the ufc There was just guys coming in there guys coming. I mean shane carwin shane had had one fight at the time He needed a big guy to train with I was the new big guy mean him linked up from there We went to tease ko where it was rachat avans keith jardine just the who's who george st

Pierre and she got into this cycle and then Started taking fights and then fucking four fights in I get a call from the ultimate fighter. It's heavyweight season Boom off to the races got my ticket the chocolate factory. How crazy is that crazy crazy? That's more grip me pursuing fighting is way more crazy than me pursuing comedy My family went what the fuck today. Oh my god. My dad was like, you're this you're an idiot You're you're an idiot. Literally do anything else. My mom went. Where are you doing? Okay, I mean you guys I mean you guys, you know me pretty well. I'm not an aggressive dude I'm not an angry guy

Of a good work ethic, you know, that's about it. But I don't I don't enjoy hurting people I don't want to hurt people. What was the first time we got into a fight? How old I mean growing up with my older brother left and right but on the street Fuck man. I mean bullies at school. Maybe How old 12 13? I mean like legit fight maybe uh 14 15. Do you remember what you felt like? Did you? I was terrified terrified man. I was terrified fighting the OC. Terrified man I'm not you know some you know like the Diaz brothers or you know that you hear these guys like cane blast kids or these guys like

It's in my blood. I have to do this for free. What the fuck? It's what you animals. I would never do this for free I'm only doing this because there's a camera and people pay tickets to watch this It's crazy because I enjoyed it. Todd was about 13 And I took a beating when I was 13. That was ferocious broken nose Busted lips, you know fucking lumps to the head I busted his nose, but in my world that didn't do dick. Yeah, that's the way that I mean I was healed I'm not angry anymore. It was just a fit for you know

I started fighting when I was maybe five when I moved from cuban in new york city Yeah, I got through a couple scraps. I had to yeah, I got hit in the head with a lunchboxer. Yeah a fucking The little containers in that. Yeah And then there was this one kid I used to scrap with a lot and by that time I knew karate His name was Rudy the Haitian. He was Haitian him and his dad And I fought that kid Brennan sharp 10 times Finally his dad grabbed me

And held me arms and had Rudy beat the fuck god damn This was animalistic. Yeah, they took me upstairs and my mom pulled the knife out of Jesus and chased him and the cops came and they even said my mom didn't have a knife so they didn't press charges Good for you, man. So you grew up doing it. No, no, no, then I went to catholic school those years I'm assuming I had a scrap or two When I was 13 now by this time I'm doing karate. Yeah Like I'm pretty going to the gym and I'm you know, I'm sparring after class and I would go to Mario Diaz's house at nine and he would put we go to his basement and beat

the fuck Out of each other. Yeah, the sheet rock was busted everywhere. No wrestling. No MMA Just karate flying sidekicks Roundhouse kicks to the head. We bought the gear. We had the iron palm technique. I mean we were crazy and then right before I quit karate I got lit up in the gym one day

And I remember walking home, you know, we're just boxing gloves and then karate. Yeah, just fucking around This kid was like a purple belt And I couldn't believe his quickness. I couldn't believe his footwork I couldn't believe dick at that point. I had been doing karate, you know, fucking eight years I wasn't no Bruce Lee, but I knew what I was doing and I was like, you know, uh Fighting is definitely something I'm just gonna watch Like I was a Roberto Duran fan. I'm not leaving. I think for a lot of fighters I think, you know, Anthony Rumble Johnson just retired. He actually reached out to me today

You know, you're tired top of the game ranked number two in the world And he goes, I I'm worried about my brain man Like I see how a lot of this ends for the guys and you know, I'm worried about brain trauma stuff like that I'm I got a lot of living to do man only 30 or 29 where the fuck is he's like, you know Once you start thinking about the repercussions of what you're doing, whether it's football Fighting it's probably time to get out because the guy you're fighting is really not thinking like that, you know You know, you look at the guys You know like Muhammad Ali probably didn't know

And before Muhammad Ali, they just kept it hidden. But they just didn't know they just assumed, you know, you know You watch concussion. Yeah, very interesting. I watched it twice on planes. Me too. I saw it on plane But tremendous you can only watch that If you watch it the house, it's gonna happen. Yeah, and they're gonna fuck you up And you don't have time to fuck around when I'm watching this fucking movie. It's too serious of a movie. That movie shocked me Did it shocked me? Not me. It shocked me because I thought the NFL was better to their players I thought that well, I remember I did I did

I did that with Bosworth and I spent the whole weekend one time with Bosworth Me and him just chatting. I thought I loved him. First of all, I loved him But he filled me in on one weekend of How they find him they wouldn't even give him they wouldn't even give him a game check because he would wear his shirt outside It was great. Well, no, he wore like the midriff. It's fucking something crazy. It's where they would find him the amount of his check Yeah, they took his house. He had to go to hawaii. It's a business, man But it's a business Jack Sharks and then we've discussed it before with Lee how I never knew till maybe two years ago

The longevity of running back in the NFL is three years three years You know because I grew up on the old the arrow cam. Well, look at him. These are the freaks. Those are the freaks Yeah, you don't remember the guys you know, but that that's all you remember Like but and also it might be a little better now, but at the this is probably three years ago You know what the average girl a UFC fighter is do you guys know? Yeah year and a half Year and a half the average career in the UFC That was I think it was a stat three years ago, but and maybe it's a little long Maybe it's not because they're making cuts, but you got to remember in the UFC for all those main card guys, you know

There's a shitload of undercard dudes Year and a half is the average career. I always leveled it this way But if I got the call from uh, whoever jimmy smits Dana white whoever the odds maker is today, honestly, this is in my head I don't think a 22 year old Or a 24 year old would know this. I think I'd have a year and a half to accomplish my mission That's what I really personally think that you have to go into the ufc knowing That you're gonna fight seven times in one of those for a championship and that's decide what your next move is

That's fair So you go in there you fight on two or three prelim cards You knock the motherfucker out they put you on the main card low end. Yep And you keep Six fights you're in a championship fight. Yeah, you six and oh you could talk a little shit See where you go from there. Yes. See where you go from there the first year in the ufc You do fight three or four times the first year that that's how I was I fought four at yeah I had three knockouts all in under a minute, you know, and then you they toss you a vet

It's fine. You pass that test another vet crow cop fine You pass that test now. I'm what five and on the uc four and on the uc Then you start fucking with the big dogs. You're talking about the top ten guys top five guys You know, and then you find out, you know, are you gonna Are you gonna be one of these legends? Are you gonna be the guy like is this your path? You know or you want to be a journeyman where it's probably not for you, you know, you're not gonna be making those buku dollars You're not gonna be the guy who you know is is selling jerseys and stuff like that Well, you know, I mean you go into it because first of all

And I don't know if you're listening to this people now, but always remember you do this shit because you absolutely love it Or you have no or you have no options joey Or lack of options. That's usually where fighting comes from. I'm gonna tell you something. I had lack of options in 1991 I was a roof and making maybe 40 a year I was probably picking up another 20 on the side doing odd jobs roofing and selling cars 60 after taxes 60 60 and bolder in 87 You're gonna eat dick. Okay, terrible. My wife probably made at the time 40 cutting hair downtown

That was it. Okay to you once we broke up I could learn how to do anything in a week, you know, I could take Dana White's job and we come one of those motherfuckers there But I knew that the ceiling for money was gonna be low and bold And that's why I said if I'm gonna be broke, I might as well be broke Do what I want to do. Yeah when I first got on stage again when those people mentioned these things to me that I should do comedy I didn't like it Then one day it snowed and I watched the movie punchline with tom hanks. Yeah, and I watched that movie and I'm like, wait a second I might like this. You know what I'm saying? I like that. I need a family. I need to hang out with people

I need to do stand up Once I did it in Denver and I had a conversation with matt woods. I did it up in Greeley at the Denver training camp The of the first night they go to the rookies. My friend had the contract Okay, so I did comedy in front of the Denver Broncos and the tree. I was I bombed it was just a bomb Yeah, the second time like but it was the second time I got on stage. Yeah The third time I got on stage again was at the comedy works and I did something else for bill bill I forget what this fucking they don't matter. He had a motorcycle shop in four towns

I did something else for him and I gotta tell you something after four times I loved it more than cocaine Boom, it was the first thing that I I knew I wanted to do you're drawn to I knew I wanted to try it And you also didn't give a fuck about the money At that time I was disenchanted with money. Yeah, because money have gotten me all my problems Yeah, and even when I had money in the spring I had the 50,000 in cash had horrible problems. I wasn't happy Yeah, it didn't make me any happier

What was the happy part of it that I bought a new car? Yeah Oh, then I went to eat lobster tail just showed off to people. No, that's how I tell them I was 28 I was disenchanted with money. Yeah, I was like, this is bullshit. Good for you all my life I wanted money to do what to have a testarosa To show you I had a picture of a testarosa on my wall I'm gonna get a testarosa white one in north bolder. I'm paying 450 rent I'm gonna get a testarosa. That's how retarded I am. Yeah, and I'm looking at this thing. Oh, really? Is that what I really wanted? That's not what I ever was

Growing up, bro. My mom had money. Yeah, I didn't like it I didn't like it. I would take my chains off in front of kids My mom would go, why are you embarrassed? These kids lived 10 in a fucking bedroom. I had a cable tv in my own air condition in my home And with a carpeting and I slept by myself not with three or your brothers in the room with a fan in the summer I was embarrassed. They would go, let's go to your house. You don't want to go to my house. Yeah I live in a bad place I was on 205 west radiation in my big room. Yeah fucking giga color tv in my bedroom a stereo, you know

So I never liked that whole thing. Yeah, and it all dawned on me. But if I'm gonna be You know what? I rather travel every night You know at that time I listened to bob c. Good music and bon jovi wanted dead or alive. Yeah, and I read the lenny bruce bruce book which marco from the chop restaurant gave me lenny bruce live From the Carnegie hall. I gotta bring it in so we can listen to it once I read that book I was done came over About him living at the chelsea hotel

And he would only do comedy after strip clubs at strip clubs So you fuck a stripper every night. You get a ten dollar back at harrowing He'd go back to the chelsea hotel sleep till two get his pipe sucked and then crack jokes at night. Yeah, perfect killin it perfect Who doesn't want that fucking light brother shot? Let me read some shout outs and we'll get you out of here Perfect, man. We'll close it up with some comedy shit here Cleo, you know, I love you. Thank you for always listening to support us and give us your love Mackenzie tittle

Tony Gallego Lawn rosinca always thinking about you my little fucking genius caches morris My favorite Puerto Rican Rene and caution Juan Montoya and Sean p smith. I'm watching you The lilingus family, you know, I got your back mother fuckers always hope dad is doing well And my man larry get a job cut suckers You look good, man. I'm happy that you're doing this stand-up that you're not faking the funk

I'm happy that you're turning the tv shows down that you don't want to be brian bosworth What was the name of the movie? He did I forget man. It's terrible cold something like that Now, man, you know, we got time for thinking that mother fuck away three movie deal. I know that's how it goes, man Yeah, what do you do? What do you do? I'm doing a podcast right now. What I'm smacking the fucking head go get that motorcycle and go in and be stoned Yeah, it's so cold. Oh, Julie. It was brutal You have to watch it. I appreciate you man and just being uh just supporting and fucking Oh, no, no, I know when somebody's faking the funk. Yeah, I'm living this time for 20 years

And I know the people are trying to get rich quick. Those are the people that I give them rope. I just gave them. Yeah, no Bro, keep doing anything. I was you call CBS tomorrow You should tell him Get a special now. Oh But with you I like how you even mingle at the store Yeah, you're just a regular guy that wants to go on stage that night. I was watching you I wanted to see if you got nervous. Yeah When I see you walking

You didn't you didn't have nobody with you. You didn't have no coach with you You didn't have coach. There was no drama. No, you were there by yourself. Yeah, I was really impressed How you were walking around the back room. This was the main room again with joe and how madrigal Bert kreischer, I mean, it was a fucking murder of his rope And you were walking around like fucking you didn't give a fuck We had a little conversation our agent was there some other guy And then you got on stage that way they'll listen to you And by the time I got to the door

You were talking about uh, you know college and Now the guy was kicking the pad whatever the fucking like just walked out because I had no place to stand. It was fucking back But again your composure on stage You're out doing sets. You're not waiting for somebody to come to your house and rub your balls So I respect all that type of shit bro. I appreciate brother. I do I really fucking do what you think of the fights this weekend They were good the best fighter in the planet Joanna chin chin chin chin

Joanna young gen check champion. That's a better way. That's it. I just have nothing else to say there you go dog She impresses me more too, man than anything. I've ever seen in my life It's like if you don't want to learn how to be a fighter Just watch her. I agree. That's it. And you know what like a body of the most She paints the toenails and the fingernails right time keeps it. That's a sexy motherfucker right there I agree brother when she's smacking people my dick. It's hard Who wants a chick that wants to talk about stupid shit? I hear you man kick boxing and she when she's supporting the seals I don't give a fuck. I got a Polish chick that bit smacked his motherfucker

Every six months. She shows up and just bit smacks motherfuckers. I read a stat the last three fights She's had 700 Something strikes compared to 200 something from her opponent. Yeah, I mean she's something crazy You know those three fights about 75 minutes and just doing work and she's uh like a point fighter Yeah, a fighter mixed into one which is rare. She always scores one with that last kick the thing monster See you later. Good thing monster, buddy. You know what people? I don't know if you know this those good things add up jack Hell, yeah, 10 good things. See your fucking leg The next day you're at that chinese dude and fucking lanker shim and hasby

Getting the fuck bro that if you ever if you're ever in the valley guys Go to lanker shim and hasby from 12 to three. They got a happy hour shoulders feet and calves You give the fucking the guy a fin You give him a 10 if you're having a good day if not give him a small fin and give him the 20 spot 30 minutes is the best sometimes after you just so I can't take it. I'm a fat fuck I go in there. I give him the small 20. Yeah, he rubs my feet. He takes all the blood under my calves I'm about to go there fucking right dog. He puts your feet in the dog. I'm about to piss my pants

So I gotta fucking get out of here. What are you doing? Are you a piece of it? You just got here You just got here. We're talking about joanna ching ching ching ching. She's the best man What's your next move you're going on tour? What's the where's the tour open up? Uh starts in australian uh brisbane Then i'm in uh melbourne Auckland Then sydney sydney sold out. So they're trying to add another show there

And then uh june 22nd. I'm in new york gotham comedy club And then july 28th. I'm at the laugh actor in long beach the night before the big ufc anaheim Breaking that bitch down. So things are good, man. Good for you. Yeah tfat k.com for all that I'm proud of you. You're a fucking animal. I get out of here. I'll close up the show the best brother I love you get back to your family. It's a pleasure to see you Let's get that story down so we get you on this is not happening like a motherfucker. Thank you You look beautiful, man

And that's it. That's that li I don't know if you people know this I don't know if he forgot to tell you motherfuckers Tuesday night me and li had a fucking accent monday night monday night. I'm sorry and you're thinking like joy what type of accent Listen, man, we eat Two old chocolate bars two cantaloupe things And maybe four or five stars apiece Guys i've been doing this for fucking years with you guys you guys witness it every night I was seen double

Lee how many times did I just not out and fall asleep? Yeah for more time than usual pretty and like Yeah, you you were like, hey, I just don't just sit down on the couch for a little bit I must have drank eight gallons of water I was and i'm taking like this angai fungal medication I'm finally breaking down because i've been putting I don't talk about the fun guy told him no more You know why because i've been putting uh A baking soda on it Since january 1st. I wanted a baking soda treatment and guess what?

The toe is still lurking in there the fun guy like I got rid of three quarters of it But there's still a little fun guy lurking the doctor told me listen. You can put anything you want on the gasoline It lives in your body do this thing. They did a blood test. I did the fucking five So i'm on the third day of pills. Let me tell you something those pills knock you to fuck out They sack your body. You don't know where the fuck you are So I think because I did those and what we did monday night but guys Lee and I and you how many times have you heard us out here talk about food? We ordered two fucking pizzas at a quarter one in the morning

First off. I could not drive. I tell you guys honestly from the bottom of my heart I I gotta give more props whether it's the cantaloupe candy the taffy the stars of death And uh moon chocolate you guys weren't fired on that But you guys will never know how fucked up we were the other night Yeah, it was and I was I was mildly fucked up But then like I passed out like after I was worried about you because I and then but then after you left I passed out. I woke up at four in the morning here Four in the morning you passed out too. Yeah, I was just just right in my seat

I always I was worried if like someone would just walked up and saw like all these lights. Just look at me passed out Guys, I'm sorry. Yeah, I was fucking gone. But thank you for that was nice I like that big brown came up tonight. We spoke the other night the comic club. I wish him well guys There's a lot of dudes out there in LA that fake the funk and I gotta tell you something This kid's not faking the funk. He works hard. He does get sandwiched in between. He uh You know, I don't know how the fuck he does it I would write My first couple times if I got sandwiched in between dane cook and joe rogan

I'd run the fuck out of there So if uh, he's coming to one of your town support go watch him And the kid's really trying and you can't take that away from anybody That's the type of shit that you know impresses the shit out of me that he's not doing. He's not talking to talk. He's walking the walk So I tip my heart out to you As far as tipping my heart out to you, what do you do when you want to snack? But oh you can find this junk food you rely on your self-control to resist the temptation That's never gonna work. So what do you do? You eat the junk food you eat the garbage

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I want to thank helix sleep and I also want to thank honnit For the supplements the bats the steel bats the kettlebells The apparel me I live off the supplements Whether it's the new post-energy drink with the coconut flavor To the the shroom tech To the alpha brain. This is what i'm doing. Hemforce protein. I'm all on it. I'm 54 I need all the help I can get on it. I trust go to honnit.com right now and press in church Get 10 off your order deliver to your door. That's it. And that's that. I love you motherfuckers

I want to thank brandon shop. I want to thank my little brother lisa. Yeah, I want to thank you guys for being family May 25th 8 30 stage number two the ice house the workout I'm starting from scratch new material new ideas 10 bucks. Get it out of there by 9 30 quarter 10 You can still give the wife a stabbing. Have a great weekend. I love you. Stay black uncle joey always loves you Hey Before it hit Focus on your life so baby For the love of a girl named Francis

And her noble heart's chances She ain't up in the dead of a winter No one bring white people to learn For the love of a girl named Francis Took her to life and did it in Finally used up all of her chances Time's up for the girl named Francis Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis

You can hear her in the other room Making love for her money every afternoon They gave her diamonds, they gave her pearls Self respect, never knew a girl As fate would have it, she lost her love She lost everything, never been a little black girl And days and nights, going over the back Took her part of the life, she couldn't get back

For the love of a girl named Francis And her noble heart's chances She ain't up in the dead of a winter No one bring white people to learn For the love of a girl named Francis Took her to life and did it in Finally used up all of her chances Time's up for the girl named Francis

Time will stop for ourselves We're turning the time into some more now I'm trying to bring you time Just for the girl named Francis For the love of a girl named Francis Back from noble heart's chances For the love of a girl named Francis For the love, for the love, for the love

For the love of a girl named Francis Took her to life and did it in She beat it in, for the love, for the love For the love of a girl named Francis She was in the streets, time to make love For the love of a girl named Francis For the love, for the love In the day of winter when she left

Oh, no one knew When she left her home For the love, for the love of the girl named Francis Ah, but look down When Francis left her home named Francis She was a little girl Only sixteen years old

She left her home No one can remember Sometime in late December Ah, but look down When Francis left her home Oh, yeah Ah, but look down When Francis left her home

Come on home