Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #484 - Luis J. Gomez

Episode Date: May 25, 2017

Luis J. Gomez, comedian, creator of the Gas Digital Network, and cohost of the "Believe You Me" podcast with UFC Champion Michael Bisping, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/24/2017.
  

Shit the church or what's happening now is brought to you by on it calm Go to on it for the finest supplements in the business from shroom tech sport to shroom tech immune The alpha brain to the hem force protein. I love and use everything go to honor calm right now and press in church Bam and get 10% off delivered right to your home. They also have kettle bells and whatnot. I can't help you with those supplements I'm the man to see go to honor calm and press in church. Bam number two, but days are back the summer's coming Swamp ass is your friend in the summer if you live on the East Coast St. Louis, Florida By the time you get home your ass is sweating it sweats right through your fucking underwear To the middle of your ass. You got to go home. You're embarrassed, but listen

There's no reason to walk around with a stinky asshole. You know why cuz like I said, but days are back Hello to shi.com go to hello to shi.com and press in church boom and get 10% off Your first order you understand me one of the best products out there 6090 day guarantee it don't matter. I'll take that fucking ass of yours and scrub it clean hit it Lee Out of respect bitches the church of what's happened now Please say at One of my new favorite people in the world Mr. Lewis Gomez, what's up, baby? Kick this mule Lee

Bong hits hugs whatever the fuck you need. It's the church of what's happening now bitches Are you fucking kidding me or what? Oh Thursday the 25th you bad motherfuckers Memorial Day weekend the church Are you kidding me or what you bad motherfuckers? Thank you very much for listen to the church of what's happening now Lewis Gomez Lee Syat We're here. We're queer. We opened up with all the other slave out of respect Rest in peace tomorrow. They got a very Chris Cornell right down the corner here. So

Who the fuck knows today, I was just fucking around and I had the earphones on and I just put on one of the old I Put on slaves and bulldozers and if you leave YouTube on and working on something else on the computer just keeps playing songs Hmm and this one came up and I went into the video and I just fucking started crying it was over Yeah, you're a big Chris Cornell fan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah big sound garden fan. You know, I lived in Seattle They were like a third of the reason why I moved up there. I was like how the fuck are these people even all these bands in one place? This is it was too much, you know, yeah, I got to see him up there one time and I never I never want to see him again. My friend the villa invited me one that went to the 20th year reunion of super unknown at a Where you guys hang out? What's the place upstairs? They do concerts there?

Somebody shot a special in New York City. Oh Gramercy no factory no downtown somewhere forget the fucking Name oh, we're big J. Did his right? Yeah, what's the name of that webster hall? Yes, I think it was Webster hall So, you know, I always missed out, but I got to see him and before they broke up and it's just weird how You never understand how people could be like come to your shows Like you know how you guys have people that come to your shows, and yeah, and they'll pull you aside and I go Hey, man, I really like what you do on skank You know lesions of skank it really makes my week or whatever and they walk away and in the back of your mind

You go to your something fucking guys crazy What the fuck's he talking about right? But then today when Chris Cornell came on, you know Cassius Morris Had some thing the other night he goes right like a song that Maybe you relate to like there's all like Sabbath bloody Sabbath when I was 15 not they're running gun and my mom was dead and I had a horrible fucking thoughts That song fueled me. I don't know why till this day I want to get fired up. I listen to the sad bloody Sabbath. You're gonna get stabbed

Yeah, like I don't even put it in the car because I lose my mind. I do 90. Yeah, that's the quote That's the the really cool thing about music is that's what it is it? Whatever you're doing There's a song or a type of music that you can kind of add to you can add a soundtrack to it like in your life Like if you're working out, I think that's why I think on Pandora They should add like a what you're doing option, right? So if I'm working out from lifting weights, right? That's a it's a different if I want to listen to nine-inch nails There's a different nine-inch nails for working out

Then there is for you know hanging out my chick in a room fucking, you know about to have sex or whatever it is I don't know who has sex in nine-inch nails. I was gonna say you do everything Yeah, I'm nine-inch nailing her I wish I have not five and a half inch music and 40 I never did that I never understood when I was a kid. I did I did it to like 18. I was like, what the fuck you don't have sex in music I don't fucking I do it. Let's come in a minute I got two minutes to listen to this terrible song I'm listening to you know That's why this way you're coming in a minute because you're focusing too much on the pussy if you're focusing on the music You might be able to fucking go, you know 30 40 minutes boom, you know Louis Gomez. You're a fucking unadulterated genius from time to time

I got a hand that's it. I've heard that You're the last of the real Mohicans How old are you when they blew up Oklahoma both is Oklahoma City? What year was it 94? Yeah, I was six maybe five depending on this 1212 I was 12 years old. Yeah. Wow what this I Got stuck. I was buying coke from this Mexican that called into the podcast Rary in the beginning. Do you remember that Lee was my roommate at the halfway house, right the Hispanic dude. Yeah, real cool. I loved Alex with all my heart. It wasn't Alex's fault At that time if ounces of coke were like 800 bucks Alex was getting me out just before from some Mexican cartel

Yeah, he was in prison with And the coke was always fucking tremendous like fucking people call me back no where the fuck did you get that? Like I was thinking of a coke hangover the other day and I go to one Monday When I did like two grams of that stuff the next morning. I was riding a bicycle To this place called the deli zone in Boulder when it was on a Valmont and I'll never forget that I was like Jesus Christ. I could feel the electricity in my body from below Like I was that hungover on the coke, you know, I was getting some great coke from him and one time I bought this coke that was really fucking strong

So I just kept throwing cut on it, but I ran out of a regular cut I started throwing vitamins in there like some type of vitamin Then the fucking kid came and he got our DUI so I got stuck with the coke And it was the same week that they blew up that fucking tower and I had you know how people put black under their eyes To block the sun when they play football, you know, I had two scabs Under my nose from the vitamins That's how fucking down I was in 94 and I'm sitting in this apartment. I'm watching this fucking Stupid coverage on this fucking idiot these two idiots that bombed this fucking day care center in Oklahoma

I'm basically fucking broke. I want I can't describe to you two guys How badly I wanted to be a comedian at that time and I was going up every night, you know I was living in Denver. You know many options I had compared to you lose go was not many I would always had to go to a poetry reading or I would have to drive to Loveland, Colorado So here I am It's two in the afternoon. I'm fucking frustrated with my life and on top of all this loose Gomez My fucking ex-wife is fucking around with me with this child The kids four years old and I'm having a hard time with it every time I call

The attorney it's costing me $400. I can't tell you the part my life how fucking frustrated I am at this point And I look at this fucking screen on the TV and I see these towers and I see these people crying And I take the fucker remote control. I'm scrolling and MTV comes on and it's these fucking dudes Who are like doing something with their instruments? And all of a sudden the guitar player walks up and he starts strumming the guitar And I'm looking at this like you have to be watching this like this is like a sign from God and The guy starts belting out lyrics and it was fell on black days and he was up to maybe

He was singing maybe a minute and I had tears in my eyes I swole up because it was me and the beginning he talks something about a You know they reminded me of my daughter at the time I had all this joy that was taken away and and fell on black days He talks about prison, but like not prison prison But like when you were which I'm not I don't mind. It's on super unknown. It's what's what song is that? Yeah Just go to YouTube go to YouTube super unknown. No, you're just gonna sound garden fell on black days

And I'll show you the video show me the computer leakers after You want to watch the video? Let me just put it up. I'll show you this is what came on This is what came on the TV and it was just fucking mind-boggling What so ever I feared has come to life whatsoever I Something became my life Just when every day Seems to greet me with a smile the first song up there. It's completely different than the album though

The album was a studio cut listen to this right so right now I switch and this is what I see And I'm looking at this guy I'm like I gotta watch this right here Yeah, this one's great song. I'm like what the fuck I'm looking at that fucking Japanese Godzilla looking motherfucker. I'm like to look like that that dude's gotta be able to play Kim's I out whatever his name is little I Yeah, it's completely different than the album. Yeah, this is like a studio. Let's just jam it one time

So Funny like rock music was like There's a few years where it was really simple and kind of like basic and kind of it just you almost like because I played in the band when I was Probably from like 15 to like 18 and it's like that was right around that time I was probably like, you know eighth grade to like, you know, 12th grade or whatever You know, probably the around that time salty black flowers in my band and we were like really inspired by like, you know Especially my singer like, you know the grunge era nirvana sound garden. I like to see here's the funny part

I didn't really like grunge Because I grew up on 80s metal like my sister was a few years older than me So I was always I would have you have an older sibling. You just like whatever the fuck that's it You know, they're your influence, you know, so you don't have an opinion of music when you're fucking seven You just have whatever's around and my sister was around listening to, you know, poison skid row motley crew So my first like favorite music my first two concerts ever were poison concerts Unskinny bop like that. Like I'm a little fucking seven-year-old kid nine-year-old kid, you know And in this metal concert with everyone's got tease harems. The only brown person there is a little fucking Puerto Rican kid

But the grunge music kind of killed the 80s metal Like era like skid row was like my shit like to this day. I love skid row. Like that's like my one of my thing His name Sebastian Bach Sebastian. Yeah, it's Jersey guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Good looking dude man. Remember Sebastian Bach. He came out. He was 18. Just fucking gorgeous long hair I'd like the best voice his voice was out of control but those these guys came out nirvana sound garden You know all these guys from Seattle that whole grunge movement

It just wiped it away and then it became almost comical to look at like the hair metal guys Because these guys looked fucking cool. If you're a chick you don't want us to go and fuck Brett Michaels with his dumb tees up hair and fucking pink lipstick on if fucking this dude Shows up with his, you know ban. It is badass jeans and he's just fucking what he's got heroin probably These guys fucking stick these guys were on fucking listen. It was them It was mother-love bone and the singer died There was a lot of other bands, I don't know, but you just got to run with them Pearl Jam and Allison chains at that time Pearl Jam that first album say what you want to say whatever the fuck it's called one whatever and like ten hits on it

Yeah, yeah, every every song it was torture. It was torture. Yeah, then this this came out in 94 this last of the year Allison chains fucking dirt. Hmm when that came out people were jumping off windows I held on I didn't like any any band you just named. I did not like no and at first we think I liked them I was still stuck on fucking Sabbath and high and dry. Yeah But when I saw the video to man in the box Yeah, I'm gonna tell you something these dirty motherfuckers want to something Yeah, and then I used to do comedy at giggles in Seattle, New York District

And there was this hot Dirty hippie chick Hot and I used to trade a blow of mushrooms exotic mushrooms. She had body odor But under under on every but she had everything you fucker. No, no, no, I fucked with a girl with under on every single Goomba and I liked that she would tell me if they needed a feature I would tell her go in the green room see if they need a feature next week. What's on the board and she would come on down Me I would tip but but she used to always tell me you know, I can I yeah, and she goes this or anything else I go I'll try it. You know if I do I could fuck I'd try anything, you know in that age and how crazy I was

And she's like if you want I could take you up to Lance daily or the single was Allison chains we get high and I'm like, oh my I go down to watch her You know her suckers dick. Yeah, was he the suck a chubby comics dick or Lance? You know, I'm like it's a no-brainer. So I just didn't want to go anywhere where there were needles and I'd have to get pushed into it I don't mind doing a line of heroin if I know you like I'm to your house. I do a lot Come up to me Lisa and we're in Manhattan and you go we're gonna meet Louis Gomez On fucking we're gonna meet Louis Gomez over by the stand. Yeah, right. Yeah

I was with you at that point right now. We're in the low east side of some skinny white dude comes up to me He's a guy got number two The pencil no number two heroin Mike. I got it for 20 bucks I just give him 20 bucks and take it even though I'm not gonna shoot it You just to have the option just to have the option You don't know you don't know you're gonna run into that night that might say you have some heroin I'll take a little fucking spoon of it. I won't even you won't even know. Yeah You won't even know I'm doing it. I just take a little spoon like if it's like a little bit of paddle like this

I'll do the smallest and you snort it. You don't you never inject. It's not there's not really a snort You just put your finger on and go and that's it. You feel a little dizzy for a while But once you drew it, it's like eating a Viking. It's like you know, you know, if you do it that way It's not safe. I'm not telling you I'm coming over your house. I'm gonna pop a syringe. It's crazy That's not happening. That's a little a little bit of heroin on the tip of the pinky. Oh, I never hurt nobody Oh my god. No, it wouldn't it would change your fucking way wouldn't you put some on the head of your dick And on the head of your pinky and you do it in your nose and you put a little bit on the helmet But you know that gets nice and red. Oh, that's your girlfriend a call her sister and go listen

You gotta come down you gotta catch this dick and you better wake mom up This is the dick people been looking for it's just big and red and you put a tattoo of a spider under some shit Women will flock to your house to suck that heroin cock. It's like a submarine. I've never that's like the one drug Because my mom was a heroin addict. So you see it from a different perspective. I just you know I've an ex-girlfriend who was a heroin addict like it's just kind of crazy. I would never it's kind of a scary thing It almost you know, it reminds me of like Like just the the same danger that I felt the first time I ever held a gun You know, because if you don't if you ever shot a gun before it's like it's it's really it's a very powerful feel

Yeah, and what you get used to I think actually they I think they should give like Younger people lessons to know what they're doing with that But just you know, you never know what's gonna happen if you need to handle a gun and you know For your own safety and I need to kill somebody with it It's not to shoot yourself in the stomach or shoot your body because you don't know how to take it off safety or whatever, right? But that same danger that I felt when I've seen people do heroin or I've seen it around like they'll pull out a bag or whatever That same type of danger that I felt the first time I held a gun is that and I'm like I can't even and if I I'm none of my friends, you know, literally nobody that I know like openly would just do heroin like I don't

But I think it's a different time in comedy now, too Because people don't really openly do coke the way they used to know it is very and I'm very proud of that Yeah, I'm very happy that what's a business now mediums are not thinking. This is the fucking deal when I came up I was paying attention to prior and I was paying attention to canister. I like the stories Yeah, that gave me the green rock like a fucking asshole Yeah, I was with drugs at the store and shit like that. It gave me the green light But if somebody came up to me bro of your comic stick with the fucking reefer, you know reefer you want a couple beers Anything else

You get fucked up the comedy world knows about it That's the other thing is They I think because everyone's on Facebook and Twitter and everyone it feels like everything's very naked like it as soon as somebody Whatever it is, you know fucking somebody beat somebody in a roast battle or somebody gets into an argument in the comedy scene It just travels very fast. So I feel like people aren't as willing to Openly come out and go. Oh, yeah, I do blow because even if people aren't gonna go and tweet that or put it on social media People still kind of feel that there's a not the same sense of secrecy that there was you know years ago I asked a comment almost 13 years ago. So even in that time it just jumped. It's a very open

Scene and everybody talks. Well, I I grew up very very in the suburbs So to me anyone talking about coke is out as strange to me like it like it is It is imprinted in my brain But like I I know people who do coke. I I don't think I probably know somebody who's done heroin But I don't know anybody Like I don't know anybody who like actively does heroin, you know, like I know you've done it Joey a couple times But like I feel like coke even though people don't it's not like weed How it's all how it's accepted, but I think coke is more accepted than heroin. Yeah, it's more accepted than heroin

It's none of us accepted anymore not in this society. It's not open You don't go to a club and somebody goes off you want to use the bathroom. There's a mirror Those days are over. There's days a long guy. I think it isn't only I think there's no I went when I went to New York in 93 I was in shock. I went on a date and I went to a club and I wanted a thing to take a package out Like I goes don't even think about it Hmm don't even fucking think about it. I go probably used to do that. I was ten years ago and I'm like, yeah Really? Yeah. No, that's not accepted in New York by any means that probably five five or six years ago I kicked out of a bar

Because I was sitting on a toilet facing the opposite direction. Okay, like straight on the toilet And the guy thought I was doing coke. I was rolling a blunt actually I would just happen to be sitting that way, but I guess from his angle, you know It whatever was you know, it was security guard and they kicked me out and very aggressively. Do you have a pants on? Yeah, my pants on okay. Well, imagine if my pants were down Well, how would a weird position to be sitting on the toilet? Nobody straddles it that way That's what I was gonna. I thought I was gonna. I thought that was gonna be your cover. Yeah Yeah, well, that was probably the bad the move when I was doing coke. I

Knew you knew that I was doing coke But because the type of person I was you weren't gonna say nothing to me Hmm. I would talk about on stage. So you had no way to go with it, right? When I when people started telling me I said fuck it Well, that's how you fucking own it and that was it anything and nobody ever really approached me brilliant Everyone's so on roguin, but say something to me on the plane. I'm gonna drop it, bro Yeah, I don't even talk about it. That's my fucking problem. And that was it. Nobody ever really you just assumed

Well, nobody nobody that's doing coke regularly right is good is going like it's not a problem Anybody's doing coke. Oh, no, it's a problem. It's a problem. It's a problem. Yeah Yeah, it's a problem anything that you're doing Regular like that is a fucking problem. It already becomes I mean really any drug even even weed even weed even the way I smoke Weed every day. It's a problem. It's a problem if I if I Here's when it's not a problem if you truly don't need to if you can go a few days I'm looking with you a few days off just to relax, you know, get my head straight and gonna write some shit Whatever and it's not a thing at all for you. I don't think weeds a problem

But for me to take one day off even if I like I was like, I'm not gonna smoke weed. I got an audition. I really want to focus That's a big problem. I am in a state where I go if I have an audition I have to smoke weed So I feel more like myself You know, and I think that's not good. That's like I like all that stuff. I could go Yeah, no, no, no, listen, you know many times I've got an audition as insecure as this As insecure as this sounds you call me you go. I have an audition you send me the audition I download it I print the pages. It's four pages. I look at the two scenes. I look at it again. I Look at it again. No, I take those two pages. I put them aside and I go my notebook

I read in them you roll it up. You smoke them. I write I Write the date of the audition the time the casting director the director I even write I even IMDB the director and see what style of movies he's done before I do all that work and then I take the two scenes and I break them down sober Then I disappear for an hour You know what I am and you think about what's going on and then you burn a fucking good one Like you actually go get a new batch of weed even though you got a batch there go get a new batch

Yeah, and you go get that and bring that home now you smoke it and you start saying the audition I allow in the room and you can see the color and then start acting it out What would you do when you walk in the room? You're just not gonna walk in the room and go joey wake up You don't turn them like that hit the switch live the fucking whole thing Because that's when you go to the audition and you fuck them up when you start flipping switches and bending over And capturing that and they're like, oh this motherfucker think they'll work almost like Is that even just a weed? I think what that is is just changing whatever variable it is, right? Because I did this the other day

I you know I I did that roast battle show and I had to memorize my jokes And I went in the steam room and I just had them all written out and I memorized my jokes in the steam room And because it was getting hot and sweating and it's kind of hard to concentrate I feel like it made me memorize my jokes. Number one differently. I was looking at different I wasn't like, you know, I'm saying like it really and I was also high too. So um, but it was also like I just feel like you're kind of just changing something people do like, you know People do naked shows in comedy, right where they get naked and do their jokes Some people think it's stupid. I think it's kind of an interesting thing because if you're doing your jokes

And there's this extreme thing where you're super self-conscious embarrassed, whatever it is and you and you still go up and you're trying to kill There's something interesting about that exercise. There's something interesting about kind of like challenging yourself and also Performing your jokes in that way. You're never going to go that far. You know what I'm saying? You're never going to get that experience So who knows where you're going to go with that joke or something you might say that you would never say in a million years So I think it can be valuable I thought I thought it was crazy. I never looked at it from that perspective. I always thought it was crazy It is kind of crazy. I wouldn't do it. If I had a big dick, I'd do it. No, if I

Listen, I do with a little dick. That's where you get more action. I know it's like no little dick mother fuckers and they take that Pansel that's when I get action because the chicks feel bad for you So they'll try to suck that thing big and they'll realize that's just a fucking old folks tale No Who would go to see nude comedy unless you was going to support somebody But us three in the room would never go see nude comedy Unless one of the chicks was banging on that and we're just going to sit there and celebrate at the mouth And then go up to after and tell her how great she was

We're doing what we're doing now. We're doing a naked roast battle We combine the two hottest shows the naked show and the roast battle at skankfest the comedy festival We run that I tried so hard to get joey Diaz to come out to So fucking hard the hardest man in the world the book. So what are you? What are you? It's a naked roast battle. Okay Yeah, yeah, but people dude, it was the hottest that we did last year. It was fucking crazy We had some hot chicks on it this year, but the some some people are not good looking at all But it's like, uh, I'm telling you it's not as it's not it's not as weird as you think man It's the reason it's packed out. It's gonna be like crazy packed. Um, but the that side of it goes away very quickly

The sexual side of it. It's like you're really watching them for like the embarrassment Just what you're almost on the edge of your seat waiting to see what happens And it was pretty cool. Everyone's very respectful. Nobody takes pictures like we have a world where you can't take out your phone or anything Um, but yeah, it's pretty cool. I think I think you dig it bad. I think I think we are you should fear he judged it Last year he was doing it again this year naked completely naked Earl Skakel's coming out to judge it completely naked bronson jones These guys all got big fucking dicks though So that's it. I mean, I that's really what it comes down to if you got a big dick

Boom or hilariously tiny dick, but if you have an average side's dick or a slightly below average side's dick like me No, it's not gonna work. Yeah Looks like it looks like a big toe My dick when it's not hard. Yeah at the shower, right? Yeah. Yeah. What are you supposed to do? It just sinks in and that's gonna sink into my body like it's just gonna slowly Procure it and turn into a pussy. I'm telling you when you're embarrassed And you're in front of people. It's not like you don't you don't want to like get it ready Like you're gonna have sex like you don't want to bow. No, you're not bowing it up

There's no way there's nothing sexual about it. So there's no you don't want to get bummed to get boned up and keep it semi erect No, if you're embarrassed Fuck that Is there a rule like don't talk about well, obviously for the for the roast Maybe there is for there isn't but for the comedy like I would think everyone would be talking about being naked It might get a little bit do people like try to do their regular jokes. I guess I don't know I only saw it once and it was to see hot chicks, but I'm sure other people It's so crazy how

The only thing I'm interested in is stand-up comedy. Yeah, like it's so short-sighted It's so like it's So unlike me, but that's all I ever want to do. Yeah, like I remember they'd invite me to latino comedy I needed the 50 bucks. I would do the show, but it really bothered me Like why can't we just do comedy? Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Because we got six picks on the fucking line But whatever All those type of things always I went somewhere one night and they were doing a show and they asked me to go up and then after I rejoke they played a horn

I was ready to take that horn and fucking light on fucking fire. You know I'm one of those guys Let me just do my 10 minutes and you do whatever you want. I don't like There's just a lot of things and they're very interesting ideas and I understand where they're coming from I just want to stand up. I can never roast anybody I could But I don't want to know you don't want but here's the thing. You don't though It's so fucking weird how I don't want. I'm interested. You do you do this podcast

So it's the same shit technically look at all this, right? It's just changing some of the variables changing some of the parameters it's just another form of Whatever your comedy is you put it in whatever vessel or vehicle if you do if you win a row for a roast It's joey ds right if you do a podcast is joey ds if you're fucking sitting in a car smoking a blow with your boy talking Joey Diaz stand up boom same thing They book you on rolls because it's you you know I'm saying you you're the you get cast because it's you you know I'm saying right so all of your comedy always goes into that so in my opinion I'm going like all of these things are just kind of practice for the industry

Somebody's going to tell you to write on a tv show one day and you got to take your form of comedy and put it into this Other vehicle. Maybe you're not comfortable doing that. So you do a roast battle You do some fucking stupid shows some you know specialty show brand new You know read from a newspaper come up with a joke on the on the spot or whatever Um, I think it's also exercising a muscle and how bad I am. Yeah, like uh, but you don't need to you're a fucking headliner You know, you know, no, no You know, I did uh, what's his name? What's the photographer's? Troy Conrad has a show set list the set list. Oh, I ate a bag of dick

Is that where's all brand new jokes? I don't know what it is. It's like they throw a topic I thought it was the one with the screen behind you, right? I don't know. I think I didn't want to You just showed up. I just it just it just doesn't it's a really popular show Yeah, I want to do my 15 minutes and go home if you play in the flute And like that shit. I'm not in if you got a horn or an mc. That's a midget and that's your novelty One of the ones I saw you at once was a burlesque one With like the naked women running around backstage and you live freaked out a little they do not need to and I'm

I don't want to hate because I know there's a lot of shows that do this But it's a problem They do these burlesque slash comedy shows And I think the ones that are successful are all female because I know I know somebody in new york who does one with all females and all female comedians and They kind of have like a code where you don't make fun of the burlesque chicks, right? But I did one where it was like they just mix in regular comics that didn't they were showing up for a fucking gig And then these burlesque chicks were showing up for a gig and you know, we're just fucking assholes

So all the comics are just making jokes about these chicks. These burlesque chicks They're very serious about what they do is like an art like, you know, we're just fucking calling them hookers Basically and just having no respect for what they do and we were wrong technically But I mean they were not happy they like went out. They were like really like they were it was like a whole thing You can't combine those worlds or at the very least if you're going to do that Everybody's got to be aware they do that bar shows a lot where it's like somebody will book a bar show And there'll be an all there'll be people at the bar show just hanging out Like just watching a game or whatever having some beers with their friends

And then eight o'clock hits boom and they turn off the tv's and then they drop some shitty comedy show on them And then you're interrupting their life Like this is where they go every day after work and then all of a sudden this is this new comedy show And then boom you got to fucking be dropped into their world Now Let me tell you one thing Now if you come to me and you go joey Let me talk to you. I got this spot in the Bronx

I got 12 dances all over 10 It's 50 to get in they're all banging It's a strip club all nude. I need for you to do 15 minutes pick up the small 250. Would you do me a favor? Yes You know why? Because Lenny Bruce did strip clubs. So I'm always open the strip club. I don't mind strip club And guess what don't invite me to one that serves steak All lobster

I want to smell the fucking yeast infection As I come through the door because that's where I fit in If you invite me to the one with the steaks and the cabaret It's not the same. It's two different types of people joey. Yeah, I know what the fuck. I know what I'm looking for I know if you came to me and said yo, I got a brilliant idea I got a guy over at fucking whatever. He'll give you this amount of money. I got this strip club. It's called the cave It's in the Bronx and the boogie down They got a german shepherd from security guard, you know, you know, and I know already what you're saying to me joey

Here's joey. You would kill it this room come down. I would tape a fucking HBO special there Yeah, with chicks behind me dancing fucking foot and bottles in that pussy And I just look straight ahead and keep fucking throwing throwing throwing. Yeah, I believe in that You see section scars in their body a little bit overweight. Yeah. No, no, no, I want them to be banging Well, here's a thing. Maybe one could be shot one got shot. She lost the fucking finger I don't mind like a japanese Different types of people, right? So there's the people that will go and this is lee and this is not enough This is your better personally. So don't take this offensively

you're the type people that'll be like, hey, let's go to a strip club, right? and Lee's the type of guy that's going to bring he's going to look up on google What's the best strip club like where's the nicest place to go? It's gonna have a dress code, right? It's gonna have a dress code. It's gonna be it's gonna be nice He'll yelp it. He'll yelp it too. Definitely yelp it make sure it's got actually yeah, of course make sure that the party is fine They're gonna have a reservation Um, you know, and it's gonna be amazing

It's gonna be this a really incredible experience to be a bachelor party Unreal I was gonna have their nice clothes on this could be unreal Me and you It's like I'm gonna say Joe you want to go to strip club? You're like, all right, cool Me and you are gonna we're not gonna tell anybody that we're going there because it's not we're not proud of this We're not bringing our friends. We're not bringing a big group of people and it's going to be An hour out of new york city

It's going to be in a borough like deep in brooklyn and it's going to be all black and porto rican chicks It's going to be fucking hardcore ghetto and those bitches will fuck you for 40 dollars And that's the type of strip club that we got with 200 people Any audience and you do a comedy show They would go fucking crazy and let me tell you something, Lee When you go to that place the silver or whatever And you have the steak and the lobster And when you see one of your fucking idiotic buddies and you'll go hi Lee and you like hi stan

And next time you're with your wife And you're walking in a farmers market. That's the type mother fucker They'll come to you and go we had such a great time that night right in front of your wife When I see you in a strip club the type me and my boy talking about I could see you getting your dick sucked when the next time I see you at christmas I won't even mention it. You know what I'm saying? Like you won't even mention it. There's nothing you don't even have to come up to me and go joey that night You saw me fucking that chick without a condom in the ass. You didn't say nothing. It's understood outside those walls

We don't say nothing Because we got a mutual respect. Those are the different places Yeah, the type of strip club you go to your wife would be okay with you going as long as you promise to not get a lap dance Okay, I just sit there and watch No wife would ever approve of the strip club that we're talking about there was a place called sweet cherries in brooklyn That was like just fucking a problem. Or was it cherry? I think it was sweet cherries. Yeah, this place was like legitimately like everyone had a gun It was crazy, but the girls would give you a hand job for 20 dollars

You go get a lap dance for 10 dollars in the back. There's gonna jerk you off for 20 dollars. Let me ask you guys a question If tonight I got my car And I went for a ride like I'm kind of thirsty. Let me go to 7-Eleven And I went to 7-Eleven while I was there. I said, you know what I'm a little energetic tonight Let me go over here to deja vu 52 good-looking ones three fat ones Let me go over there and see what's going on. I stopped at the ATM. I take out a deuce If I walk in there and I get one lap dance because that's what I usually would do

I go to a strip club and I'll get one lap dance I'll put a couple dollars in her string. You know the best looking one. I don't even play with it I know that she's up there naked and she's got a kid somewhere. Let me go give her a fin Just to make a night That's it. Once I get in my car, it's never repeated again. I don't even tell lea I don't know why any people go home and tell their wife they do anything. No, I don't volunteer No information to nobody. No paper trail. You don't talk about it. You don't say shit. I don't know nothing I I grew up being a cheater on women and as long as you don't talk, there's no cheating. Shut the fuck up

You didn't say nothing. That's it. There's no cheating. I didn't get my stick suck. I went I saw a chick dance I put a fin in the other ones Dang and I got a lap dance from one and I kept my fingers to my side and I came in my pants Nobody fucking cheat. I get in my car take a tissue and wipe my helmet I throw it out the car door. I litter fucked the indian with the tear in his eye I make a u-turn and I go home Why would you go home and go? I went to a strip club with joy. Shut the fuck up. You don't know nothing Where'd you go? We went for a ride

Yeah, where'd you go for a ride? What? What? What? What? What? What the fucking school paper arrived. I don't know. He was talking We're talking you're giving her ammunition for the future where she will hold it. She just puts it on a little bank So and you assholes that tell your girlfriends you're going to vegas with your buddies is boys night out I should shoot you If I had the balls I would line you up against the wall and shoot you If you're gonna have a boys night out, don't tell her And then you're gonna break up walls and go to vegas and she's gonna come back at you when you're home one time and go Guess what we're doing

We'll have an atlantic city girls night out and you'll see it's not gonna fucking feel too good. So shut the fuck up Yeah, we can't say the problem. Yeah, what is it social media, man Somebody's gonna take a picture. No nobody takes pictures and my crew nobody takes pictures. No pictures But there's leaves in your crew man leaves out there taking pictures. I'm telling you man Well, he knows better to take a camera and take a picture. No, there's it And there's some people like dean delray. I gotta tell him right off the bat Dean delray hasn't even said hello to you and he's turning around and taking pictures. I don't know fucking pictures I don't know pictures. I know you stop with the fucking pictures. I just saw you right here. We need to break your foot

You know, I'm off. I'm off the clock. Get the fuck out of here with a fucking camera. I want to take fucking pictures No, there's no pictures. Why are we really it's a culture obsessed with taking pictures Because that's how they were When I went back to shoot the documentary Lee, I told Lee 15 times not to put the camera away But I also told Lee that people are gonna tell him to put the fucking camera away. I know where I grew up We weren't there 15 minutes and somebody don't put the fucking camera down. Why is that camera? You know I come from a society. We didn't take pictures. Yeah That you can't find the picture me when I was 15 or 16 or 17 or 18

They didn't take pictures. Yeah, there's I have there's tons of blow and there's no pictures. Yeah I know a thousand parties. I went there's no cameras. Nobody came out with a Kodak I went to the uh, the bunny ranch In uh, Reno. Was that worth it? I think right outside of Reno And because we did a podcast thing there. They're like we were at we were for the you know, the guy who owns it His birthday party. We're doing like podcasts and interviewing people and shit. So, uh, yeah, dude, I was like there was I took I uh

I took out my camera for a second or not my camera my phone to like send a text message And this girl comes and sits in my lap and she goes take it. Oh, yeah, fuck. Yeah, a couple more stars of death guys Ready Lee to set the record. I already I thought I said the record already. Well, we're at 24 I'm at 24 right now. You might as well go for broke and let these motherfuckers know Nobody comes into Lee's territory and breaks his record. Do you understand me? Oh, what's Lee's record 26? What is this right now? That's uh, two Nobody had Two and five the seven does that's not much. He's killing me right now. Joey. Yeah. No, I don't want I don't want you to go down

You have a shoulder that I want you to know. I'm fine. I told you right now last time you didn't believe me I'm very limited. I'll take a bomb that Whatever you want. I'm not fucking I'm telling I'm gonna give me the savage here. Do the savage of death. I love it But now the girl sits down on my lap and she goes, uh, She goes take a picture. She tells she literally told me to take a picture. She's a prostitute I was like, what? I was like, I take a picture. She's like, yeah, what are you talking about? Those girls out there because it's legal This they're a whole game is social media. They're pictures. They have profiles on the website. It's crazy

It's such a weird thing when you go to that that situation where it's legal It remind me when I was in Amsterdam or or I guess not even so funny because I I fucking in Cali It's like legal now. It's kind of that way in Cali now if you come back from Cali to new york city You go from smoking weed You know very freely and very like whatever everyone just does it to going back to new york city and feeling like a fucking criminal And that's how it was with like prostitution out there. Like everybody's very they kind of like laugh about it They're kind of open about it, you know Uncle

Have you ever been into uh, uh, Thailand or anything like that to do it because they're like there There's people who travel now just for that just to go to prostitutes. Yeah, well Or is your fear if you go to if you go to thailand's because you're looking for little six-year-old boys No, they have girls there too. Oh, yeah, six-year-old fucking girls. No. Oh god You know, uh Like I said, I've never been a big picture guy. All right, you know after the show you really really want to go out After every show in every fucking city I'd really really like to go out and get a beer, but you know why I can't

Because they wouldn't stop with the fucking pictures all night And that just gets annoying what we do on stage is shit. That's one thing you came to the show you waited around We took pictures once I go to the bar you're done and I did two shows Yeah, that's it and people will keep coming back the same people. I I just met him He loves don't know when were you advertising for fucking pictures for I don't need you advertising for fucking pictures come take a Like I'm a fucking carnival ride. Yeah, you know, that's why I can't go out. I can't go eat You go to a diner you read I don't want to bother you while you're eating No, but then why the fuck you bothering me? I wish Joey Diaz

I wish the the 17 18-year-old Joey Diaz could hear this the problems. Oh, no Listen, this is no problem. I just want to explain the people. I would love to go to a bar afterward But there's always that one fucking family. I won't leave me alone with the fucking camera Yeah, you know, they won't leave you alone. I'm not good with drunk people. Yeah I'll be there mine. I'm not good with drunk people. So I don't know how to act anymore That's why I avoid it because it's not you know, you're drunk You take it wrong when I go listen enough with the fucking picture. Yeah, because there comes a point I'll look at you. I mean even even if you're sober, that's yeah enough with the pictures

Don't take a fucking hike. All right, and they just look at you like but they have to feel it like come on You get 10 fucking pictures. I'm really bad as well because I'm so appreciative of people that want to take pictures Oh, no, I'm a preacher bro. I'll hang out for fucking out. No, no, no But that's a problem though. Like when you get it on a higher level, you know, you you have a very very large fan base So I'm sure it's like, you know, frustrating after you know, hang out It's not frustrating. Listen. I learned early on That you got to take pictures with people they paid they came to your show That's not the fucking point. Right. There's a time and place for everything in life

Yeah, there's a time and a place For I just feel very awkward like if somebody asked me for a picture even if they're being annoying about it Even do I have people to do this? No, I take the picture with them. No, no, but I wish like I could go You know what I'm eating right now in my family Yeah Like oh, that's a little bit. I would say if I was if I was with my son I would definitely say that sometimes I don't even say it. I feel bad for them for not knowing Oh, yeah, that's crazy. You don't fucking know. Yeah, if I'm with my kid don't come up to me

my son's mother I had to stop putting pictures of my son on instagram because Somebody came up to my son's mother She was on the subway platform and she came up to him and was like, uh, oh my god. I love your son She was like what she was yeah, yeah, james And she knew his name and then it was it was a chick and she wasn't like meaning any harm by it But she was just like, you know, and my son's mother called me up. She's like, I have people fucking recognizing my kid Don't put pictures of I put them up on facebook because it's a limited group. It's you know, it's a closed group of people Um, but yeah, it's a weird thing, you know, that's where people should understand like that should be and it

Didn't it shouldn't have to be even to be spoken. We should be on spoken rule Somebody's with their family or the the child Well, it there's a lot of You go into you you drop the comment. I am fucking thankful That i'm at this age. I'm still doing comedy. I'm more thankful than most people because I know where I came from I was in a fucking hole. So I appreciate anything everything

The the only problem I have And today I bumped into three I bump into people All the fucking time from the podcast And they're really fucking great. I love it really is no matter where the fuck you go You bump into two people that'll come up to your cake quick. I mean, it's crazy. You'll see it. You see it. You see it It's crazy But it's during the shows It's when it gets hectic like I don't sell t-shirts

You don't want to sell t-shirts So you come talk to me. I don't want you to go. I don't want the 20 for the t-shirt I don't sell t-shirts. I want you to come talk. It's awkward. Yeah, especially if you listen to the church I really want you to come over and I'll take the picture. We hear the whole thing But then there's people that while the line is standing They'll come back Can I take another picture of my girl from that one didn't come out? Okay. Okay, chink chink Okay, then they leave

Then the line is standing and they come back And this time they come back with another couple and they want individual pictures and a full picture with the other couple You know You just go yeah, and they're not quick about the side No, and then they want to tell you a joke or he's drunk and he grabs you by the neck Tell Joe Rogan to come to me. Yeah, I'm gonna go home and tell Joe Rogan You like together. Yeah by the time like tomorrow morning comes. I forgot Whatever the fuck you said to me about Joe Rogan or Dennis de Mela. So, you know, it's it's just

Really super this people can want to me to tell Joe Rogan that this is a cool place I always tell anybody if I go to a cool place, I'll tell you man that magic bus Magic bag in michigan is cool and that place in Milwaukee do the podcast there. It's cool too the papster The paps in the little one to turn the hall ballroom Those are cool little places around the country man. There's yeah, there's great clubs. I have no problems With none of them. It's just certain Things that sometimes like if I go to a 7-eleven and there's 20 people on the line Death people will take that camera and just grab me

And put the camera Yeah What the fuck if I just grabbed you Lewis Gomez, what would you do to me as a human being Lee? If I just grabbed your shoulder and pulled you towards me kiss you Lee would probably fucking punch me in the face and you would need me in the balls Yeah, you can't do that to people. I accept that. Yeah, and I'm sure there's a difference for people who like If people recognize you from movies So now I go up to the line and now he just embarrassed the shit out of me in front of that whole line of people

And now he's telling people No, he's the guy that with Joe Rogan and he also was in the Sopranos. I was never in the fucking Sopranos And now they start fucking that now I got eight people in the line to want to take fucking pictures It's fucking crazy It's fucking crazy I love Oh when they come up to me and they go we love you on the Sopranos. There's times I play them Yeah, depending on who they are and how many they are sometimes I run for fucking an hour. Yeah

Yeah, I did the Sopranos for 18 years, you know, whatever. I just fuck with them What about I was with him one time where he's told the people no, I wasn't and they they refused to believe He they're like, come on. You can just tell we're not gonna bother you. We were nice guys He's like guys I I wasn't in this and eventually you just took the picture Because they refused to believe They they were like they were trying to get over on them. That's fine. I remember one time at sony I was shooting spider-man 2 and I'm outside this fucking if they run out of trailers and sony They have this in the middle. They have hotels. You don't know the hotels on the other side

They're like dressing rooms, but they're tremendous to the size of this. They got a couch. They got a screen They got a phone, you know air conditioning and you just go in there They got a thing to hang your fucking clothes. No bathroom. You got to go in the hallway But I remember one time standing in front of there smoking dope and they were doing a tour At sony down on culver city. They were doing a tour culver city And dog these people on the little little trains, you know, like when they take it you see the little trains and people like Wow, this is beautiful. Awesome. I saw this couple go like this, bro. They just looked at me

And they locked on and also no wall stopped them. You know that that was it You give them six seconds These motherfuckers jumped off the train And came running at me going big pussy Big pussy the people the fucking guy in the train is gonna get back on the train Get back on the train. Get part of a tour. There's a violation. Get back on the train They're like, hold on. Hold on. This is big pussy. I go, no, no, no. I'm joey dears. I'm a comedian bro

They would they would not fucking stop They were relentless But and I've told this on the show before The best one ever was I was coming home from wrestles Yeah, jersey West Orange, no to shore And that night

I found where my buddy stash was I was I would stay with him for the weekend. Me and him had a deal I would stay with him for the weekend. He'd give me a little bit of blow and shit like that But he was a tight watt. I knew he had like an ounce of this room for this room one day And he had this big rock and coke and I took this fucking chunk of it A fucking chunk And I hid it in the garage and I fucking and his mother made chicken colors Which are my all-time favorite. Yeah with cream, corn and mashed potatoes. Stop

Of were dipped in flour and breadcrumbs Now these that wasn't enough for you joey. So take his rock. Oh, I had to take his rock. He was a Bro, this guy has died. I'm still getting bills I just got a $17,000 bill for he put my name under that thing when you go through the city The gas pass. Oh, yeah, and I owe him 17 grand like I got a fucking letter my wife went fucking bananas like a month ago Oh, he did it again. He did it again. He took my he took that rock No, this was please he took the identity way back to the rock. The rock was the least of his problems No, that was

My mom's chicken. I ran with him. No, I would stay at his house because I cut a deal with him I grew up with them. I was kids when I met them And on Friday night, I was take his truck I would fly back and I'd do rascals and we'd hang out. I'd work with him I'd help him fucking deliver fish and shit. He'd give me a couple hundred I loved him even if he didn't give me money, you know, and I would still do it I like that you go to the Fulton Fish Market and shit We get bacon ham and egg on a fucking roll in New York at 430 in the morning

Do they do that in California bacon egg and cheese on a roll like ketchup, please go shoot yourself You got a better chance. They do it. They make it. No, no, they don't they don't you know the way I'm talking about On the Kaiser fucking bottom, whatever it is. No, no, no, yeah, yeah Three three over easy eggs. They they always overcook them too much. Yeah, no, they won't don't some fucking American cheese They don't even understand what some bacon. They'll give it to you and the fucking yolk the white will still be soft Come on and you're biting it. Yeah. Yeah. They used to be one place because we trained the fucking guy The sunset grill The sunset grill

I'm gonna tell you who's who trained them. Let me tell you who trained them Buffy's boyfriend and buffy the vampire slayer that he's still on tv. He looks like steve runners easy He's on that show now with the chick cop on tnt. They've been on for 10 years The kid's got to be a gazillion and he's from philly Yeah, and he used to go in there one day I went in there and he's telling the guy na na na na na You got a whipped egg good american cheese all we put a slice of tomato on that motherfucker some ham Put some butter put some ketchup. Yeah fry up the fucking buns. He had the guy train Sometimes you open the fucking little bag croissant. Yeah, so what if you want to be yeah, you want to be high class one day

Spend an extra dollar you're gonna go you're gonna get upset just get ham and eggs and call it a fucking day It's good. I like they have no I like because you have healthy options here And I went to I went to this fucking spot griddle The griddle um the griddle on sunset on sunset. Yeah, they fucking kill you. Wow That's a big breakfast that place was banging. Did you get the french toast or something like that? And fuck I tried it, but I got I got the healthier shit. I got a fucking bowl of meat and eggs

Some back on the diet. That's why they give you like potatoes there Yeah, but I tell I tell the whole potato. Yeah. No, no, obviously you've been there though No, I haven't really done anything. I haven't been the apple pan or anything You don't need to go to the apple pan take your wife to this fucking place for breakfast one. It's red. It's here I'll eat in the morning and stop being a drink will there be a line Yes, not if you go out eight in the morning or not during the week probably No, you're not during the week. No, no, no, not even on a Saturday. You gotta go these people go out in front Those type of people go to art shows once Friday

That place used to be dead the Lindsay Lohan went in there one day before her trial Yeah, that place started getting That place gets fucking packed And I like it I like it. I just don't have the patience to wait But if you set the counter there's always a spot I would I I would let if like if you're grading it on like a 10 point system for food. I would lose Two or three points in quality of food for a quieter restaurant

That I don't have to deal with people being around me bumping into shit waiting for food I like I love great food, but I also I hate crowds. Right. No, no, no, no. I don't like conversation Yeah, I was at lunch today. It was no it was not busy. It was three tables, you know quiet very classy place There was a hotel really nice. I was at Beverly Hilton Well, my buddy was staying there And we're sitting there and for no reason at all. There's a speaker right there. They just start blaring like jazz music To me. Yeah, you want to fucking break the speaker? We're just having a conversation everyone's having a good time Nobody's complaining about it

But that that type of chaos when I'm eating and I'm having I This is what I hate because this is I don't know if they do this here, but in new york city jazz brunch is huge So it's like they have like a blive jazz band in the restaurant. It's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. They're playing It's a drum set Joey, he's playing drums while you're trying to eat breakfast imagine that Imagine that there's a drummer this far from you fucking doing drum rolls about a gospel fucking brunch When people jump it up and down

At the as a blues or something. Yeah, I did it one time. I wanted to shoot myself Because once I eat I I don't want to daily dial If you think I'm gonna talk to you all the people I I was just telling I was just telling you guys I don't I don't like going out, but I do like going out. You know, I can't go on today Because everywhere I go I gotta yell and I'm deaf I don't I can't talk over music on like those days are over. I don't want to hear pool balls I don't want to walk around people playing darts I don't want to know

Darts flying by your head. We're trying to eat. No, no, no, no Yeah, let's get in a bar. Let's go to a nice place. You don't need to eat nothing Maybe a bowl of chili with onions and sour cream with crackers But besides that just to go to a bar And sit that's all I want to do when I go to a bar. Yeah, same thing with food Like these people like I read somebody's post on facebook a couple weeks ago They went to a dinner party. I wouldn't go to a fucking dinner party If you're fucking pain. Is that like where eight couples get together and oh, hi. So what do you do?

I'm a fucking host of a fucking podcast. What's it called skank fest, you know, like that, you know what I'm saying Really, what is the purpose? I love to listen to it. No, you won't. No, you won't. Why are you wasting my time? Eat your food and shut your fucking mouth the fucking bottom. I didn't think that really happened. I thought it was a thing in movies People actually do dinner parties out here. They do dinner parties crazy And you got to talk with people who were strangers and eat dinner. No, I don't do that. I don't do that I don't speak with strangers ever. I don't do that at all. This is why I like it Sure, why not go to the hospital anyways? I got my room all set up Joey Joey, that's why I love you because when I first met you

You were one of the first people that I had never met before That I was able to speak to and have a conversation with and be like comfortable. It's very rare for me I have a difficult time doing that with people. So I never People think I'm an asshole because like if I casually know you I don't really go up to you and have conversations I just kind of keep to myself. I'm in my head. Whatever it is So I'm not like a social guy like that It's a very social uh social comedy scene. No, you have to be Social in the scene and you have your favorites. Yeah, you'll be friends with everybody people that you know

They don't like you but you like them You know if I find out somebody doesn't like me. They are fucking dead. Yeah, I can love them I can think of the coolest person in the world and then I find out they don't like me and then that's that They are fucking out of the lukewarmers business. Do you torment them or no? No, they're fucking out. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You're very professional. You just they're done You just put them under a fucking chinese torch. You tie them up and you drop water on there for it For three fucking days. That's it slowly, but you ever see that leave and they tie you up and water just hits your forehead Pop I think you've done that to me a couple of times

Mentally through the fucking weeds and they say after after a long after however long it'll Burrow a hole through your head, right? No, no like the drops. It's chinese water torture. Isn't that what it is? That's what I thought it drove people crazy. I don't think it would burrow. Maybe it would who knows I don't know. Maybe i'm just making some shit up No, I don't they say that it would like burrow a hole through your head. I believe in family. I believe maybe eventually I believe that if I was married to your sister I was allowed to go to your house and then after a year you'd like me and we did podcasts You wouldn't want to marry my sister. It doesn't really matter. It's just it's just a she crazy bitch. Joe

You don't want all Puerto Rican women. Oh, what's what's that? You don't want any of that? It doesn't matter. I'm just saying hypothetically and I'm part of your family Maybe you have a brother and he has a wife and they have a kid. I understand that concept I understand the concept of you And I and your sister and your parents I don't know about my parents and

Your media family getting together Christmas your mom's Birthday and your dad's birthday. That's pretty fair and same. I get that But for you to call me up. Hi My wife is having a party. She's sponsoring it for the you know an office and there's gonna be chef Antoine Rouga, which right away i'm turned off And she starts with some spiel or they only have duck or something I don't want to go there. You know duck. No, I don't do like they don't even cook themselves. They hire like a caterer for

I rather you cook. Yeah, there's little pink barbecue. Yeah, I like I'm a barbecue guy I like a good barbecue that you know what you hold on time out a barbecue It's just a house party in the backyard Are you doing a barbecue for the festival in New York? Uh, no, it's gonna be too crazy. There's gonna be fucking 500 people in the space If it's like 300 it's it's crazy. It's gonna be nuts No room for a barbecue, but the place serves tacos and good food and you know We got uh, it starts off in one venue, which is the creek in the cave

Which is you know, two there's an upstairs downstairs plus a big back patio And then uh later in the evening once it starts to really fill up We're moving over into a huge like industrial law space, which is like fits 500 people, but it's gonna be fucking crazy Yeah, but I love a good barbecue. I love uh getting together And just so that's the other thing when you're doing no carbs Barbecue, it's very easy to do no carbs. You just show up. Boom. Give me two burgers Throw some cheese on it a little coleslaw on top of it Done no bun

Ribs ribs easy But the sugar in the barbecue gives you carbs. So well, I mean I like you, you know, I know what you're saying I don't know. No, I'm sorry. See I see what I'm saying. Don't feel good. Does it I will marry your sister hypothetically Hypothetically, we don't talk about the sugar in the fucking barbecue sauce But if you want to tell me I wouldn't marry your sister, then I gotta go wait a second I was thinking about it. You see you I'm keep my barbecue sauce. You can marry my sister. Is it bad the barbecue sauce Yeah, you make you make it. No, I don't make my own shit. Come on, man. What are you doing for Labor Day more daily? I don't think anything. I don't even

Don't we have a well, uh, I don't I've never had it off. I don't know. We'll probably just Have a day off Partially, I don't know. Do you guys do anything special for it for labor? You gotta eat some fucking food, man We go out we hunt down barbecues you go Birds gonna be out of town. I don't know what George is gonna do Then there's the fourth of july my friend Damon's having a fucking barbecue lawn sale You know, everybody's doing something like that. I'll take the I have no socket with the baby on saturday which sucks

That's a two hour hour activity that now I have to replace With hand-on-hand combat Fucking how old is you now for uh, yeah, my son's four. It's very same exact age I'll push her on the swing for 32 minutes on the boiling heat You're shriveling up like a fucking raisin and she's out there higher daddy. I hate outside. That's the fuck I'm already I'm already planning for the week and I have a great time I smoke a half a number Early and by the time you know, I get tuned up and she gets a little bicycle when we go

That's it. We go and I walk around with a blah blah blah blah And then she at one point she'll look at me and go daddy. What do you want to do? I want to go to much Wally kazan. I want to go to Old mcdonald. We got a fucking chicken nugget Well, let's go to old mcdonald. She hits me with fucking uh The mac and cheese restaurant me and my wife fucking cringe. That's boston market boston market Yeah, we just cringe you like it. I got food poisoning from boston market when I was 19 years old

Yeah, no, how old what year was that? I'm 35 now. So this is 2001 Really? Well, that wasn't that peak that peak was like chelsea in the early 20 20 20 30 everywhere 20 30 eighth and 95 you had to stand on the line to eat boston market my summer of 94 or kenny kenny rogers Yeah, they had one in hollywood. I I shipped blood for me that fucking Kenny rogers chicken that was a bolster chicken. Yeah, that was a fucking bolster Kenny rogers He still owes me a song at my house

That was the worst piece of shit food I had tons of money. I was making I had a top of bell commercial that was running up the stall I'm taking this fucking money. I'm snorting blow and hotel in hollywood and I'm eating every bad food there is I'm going from 340 to 380 with a fucking job. I'm not kidding. Yeah, I was on an eating tear And I remember was one particular day I got up All still fucked up snot in my nose coke. I took a shower And I went up to get breakfast like that in those days on saturday night this diner They had a karaoke trans

Vestite night And it was big in hollywood on saturday night. Is it look better than a regular carrier tonight? I went and had the breakfast there. You know when you coked up the night before you had 22 fucking bees You ate some pussy you spent some money now. You're fucking hungry. Yeah, I couldn't even eat the breakfast It looked like the breakfast of my cousin Vinnie When they gave him the grits and the eggs were sliding. Yeah, the eggs were raw and the potatoes were raw I just looked at the guy I gave him 10 bucks and I walked out and I went to another breakfast spot That's not there no more and they were tremendous

And I'll never forget by the time I walked till a prayer Which is a 20 minute walk. I was already hungry cuz And I shot into Kenny Rogers Vulture fucking stand And I walked in there and let me tell you something if Trump would have been the president he would have locked him down He already had africans working for him. He had like this weird race of people There was two restaurants that always gave me the creeps in hollywood. Yeah that Kenny Rogers when I went in there, I didn't think they were legit

I thought this was like a joke because you got like africans working in there like the ones that kidnapped Mr. Phillips the ones that kidnapped What's his name? Captain Phillips. There were those type of fucking africans. They weren't big and fucking 97 out of here. Yeah, they just worked there They didn't even have a boy. Can I speak to the manager? I am the manager now. I am the money like there was no mr. Phillips There was never a mr. Phillips There was lots of pirates and there's another place. I will never forget Joey Medina

Lee you ready? So just so you know, I don't think I'm ever right but it's 1998. Okay. Joey Medina is taking care of me like a brother He's letting me stand his house rent free. Okay. I caused fucking problems. He comes back from whatever And he takes me for lunch And we go to a place on vine I think it's still there. I didn't know we were going he goes go ahead pull in here And there was dollar chinese restaurant. Oh, oh, it's still good. What was the dollar? What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? I looked at him like what are we doing? He goes, let's go I go, let me just go look just to see

What the fuck this is you know what I'm saying? Oh, it's gotta be you walking there. You hear people yelling in the back Somebody's getting stabbed They're yelling in the back shut up in chinese or whatever fucking His cat's running around. No, there was no cash. There's gone. There's gone Bunch of signs all over the place missing cat reward 225 Yeah, he's not a cat Fella, he's like this fucking momo. I went to korean town and had to dumpling I go you're eating somebody who's missing fucking cat eyeball

That's mystery meeting the dumpling. I wouldn't eat that shit out of here If you baby every part of the animal part of the animal dog the dumplings cost more than a dollar though. Yeah I never went to a door. What do they have? What is it? Is everything I didn't eat that? No, no, no Are you fucking crazy? At least I had I told you I got principles. I'm a carvel type of motherfucker. All right. I didn't break I go joey. We can't eat it. He's like when I go we're gonna die He's like no, I do it all the time And they're gonna happen to that we went somewhere else I'll never forget going in and seeing like the egg

They had some meal that it does not take it like that. They had a lookout When the chinese restaurant has a lookout, it's not security. It's a guy told him his inspections covered Because that brown meat was either kangaroo. Do they have that here the um the in new york city? They just started doing a couple years ago. They have to have an a b or c right rating in the window I know what I get you one for $22 I'll get you an a rating for a year for the small nickel Guess what? They still got roaches in there. No, but you'll see places places that have c ratings restaurant up here on ventura

I think lee's gone there three or four times. I've been there two or three times Every time I fucking went in there. You can't even see the menu dog You gotta fucking put a blowtorch It's so dark in there. They give you one candle like this In the darkness. Let me shut off the lights. Let me give you a fucking menu Lee am I dying and am I lying to you? Is it the place house of vega? Oh, how dark is it in there? They just got roaches. Yeah. No, that's why it's dark because they have roaches Yeah, you're walking around stepping on crunchy things fucking thinking man. The carpeting is fresh

You're hearing It's darker than fuck. I just put two and two together But wait a way if you turn I grow up with roaches if you turn the lights on they scatter They need to have fucking bright light and they need lighting like this in studio lights But why would you they need at least I had to go in there and fucking do the lighting if the customer can't tell If the customer you just told them joey I didn't tell them. I'm just telling you that that's why they're telling the fans That's why they have the lights down so you don't see the roaches. Yeah

That's crazy. I was at a place once with a chick and once again, I don't know what it is I don't know why I'm aggressive in so many situations But for some reason like if somebody does me wrong, right? Like if somebody is a dick like if a waiter's a dick to me, I'll make a scene, you know, I'm saying I'm not saying it's right I'm just saying that I will I will very quickly say something, right? But I was at a restaurant once with a chick We were younger me and a few friends in the chick and a huge, you know, new york city You guys do you guys have water bugs here? Oh

Not in a lot of places. I don't have my live now, but fuck they talk about any way cockroaches Yeah, the big water New york style not with the wings Now with the wings those fucking things They will fly in your fucking face brother A huge cockroach that can fly. Oh, oh, that's terribly and they're all over miami. It's crazy. You go on to the southwest I had israeli cockroaches. I just sprayed my shaving cream at it. How big I don't It seemed like that, but I don't know it was like seven years ago. Israeli cockroaches. Yeah, there was it was the only one I've ever seen

And now I've seen more They got snakes in the bungalows this shit. You're fucking sleeping. No, no, no, no, no, leave me alone Please they torture they torture palestinian cockroaches You know, I got a little bit of a temperature I don't know if it's where I ate yesterday You know, I got a four-year-old who who the fuck knows you know what I like you you never know But it's uh, what'd you eat? I ate at that bake wings Now yes, that any shit I ate everything at the house

So my stomach cannot be sick from what I ate at the house. I had scrambled eggs What we toast and I think she made uh, what the fuck did she make for lunch? Uh shrimp garlic shrimp with rice I blew a couple farts in the garlic and that was it My stomach was tip-top fucking magoo Yeah, right as soon as I finished those wings I went to the economy store. I started having a little problem They're good wings. I had them. I just my my air bnb was across the street from it

No, no, they weren't good wings. That was the fucking problem They destroyed my intestines something they put on those fucking things. What flavor did you get? We got a combo of things and every one of them was bad Every one of them was fucking horror show the one they had was really good. It was like a dry rub barbecue or uh Yeah I was too fucking salty as shit Listen nobody makes a better chicken wing than the Puerto Rican. Yeah, Chinese come in a tight second. Oh, yeah Like shitty Chinese. What about this thing? I always worry about this

Because you you're one of the only people who like really fucking know, right? So Because you gotta like go to both I guess I guess there are a lot of people that live on both coasts But with like chinese do they have the same type of shitty chinese food restaurants here that they have in new york? Like you walk up. It's a hole in the wall. You get like, uh, you know six chicken wings for like fucking You know through 250 They got everything here like if you're gonna like to shim that little hut over there Don't sell your chicks. They're koreans. They'll cook whatever the fuck you want. They don't have it. They'll get it

That's not on the menu though. I don't think I have a fucking he's talking about the places with like the color Like the menu pictures they took like We got to go see a home ventura really I wouldn't walk in any of those things In new york, that's like a staple new york is a staple, but pork fried rice like $1.50 like a tub of it It's great I'm a big uh But let me let me here. Here you go. Let me explain some to you The definition of a slice

I know I enjoy your fat fuck The definition of a slice, you know what slice means to me Coke on the move on the move Okay, when I walk into when I'm in new york city And I'm fucking doing my thing and also I gotta go I gotta go in the murky waters And but I'm gonna eat I'm gonna eat meat louis louis gomez to eat at seven But it's full of fucking terrier. I'm starving. I'm not gonna be able to eat louis gomez

But I gotta catch this fucking train over here You walk into a place in new york, you look at the fucking whatever was behind the counter You look at the cheese slice you go one. He takes the slice throws it in the fucking oven He asks you if you want a soda. No when he charges you he turns around and gives you the slice you're on your way That's what a slice is. Do I have that here? You ready Hi, I want a slice. What kind of slice do you want chips with that? Do you want cheddar cheese on you? You know, it's always a dilemma

And then once they give you the slice they give you a receipt And they take the bottom and they give it to the mexican And they make the poor mexican stop what he's doing. He's got to wipe his hands He was just washing a pot in the back and he takes the slice new new pair of gloves and he puts it on Now you got to wait through that whole ballet Now he gets a call on the phone and he runs over there He's on the phone talking to his mother from mexico. He hasn't heard from her for three years He just got released and there goes your fucking slice of pizza

There's a place right down the corner over there house a pie Whatever every day you walk by there if you're a fat fuck like me You're like, let me go in there and get a piece of pie now. You walk up to the counter. Okay, hopeful You walk up to the counter and it's old school fucking You dunking donuts. What's old school dunking donuts the shit's behind you Lee you've been in there cabish I know I haven't surprised magnolia 50 feet up from eat And then next to it. They got like a coffee place. I won't step foot in those motherfuckers

I've seen I've never been there when my wife was pregnant one day. She goes I can go for a piece of pie Go, you don't want what a coincidence a pie place opened up in magnolia. We went over there. You ever go to a fucking greek diner Yeah, of course ask them for a slice of fucking Pie see how long it takes them to fucking with dirty hands. They go get that fucking strawberry shortcake And put it on your dish not this place. Yeah ready for this you got to walk and now the chick is right there The pies are right behind her sliced Pre-sliced pre-sliced

She takes your order. Let me get an apple pie traditional and my wife wants pumpkin pie. Okay 482 you put $2 in the tip jar. She gives you receipt. She takes that receipt And she brings it all the way to the kitchen to poncho And god knows what the fuck pablo is doing back there Then he comes all the way back. He picks up the two pies Picks them up walks them all the way to the kitchen Takes a slice out takes the other slice up takes the pies back puts them on the thing because god forbid he bring Your slice back first. That's customer fucking service. Nobody told him nobody told him

He'll do the he'll do you two slices left and in the middle Stop and talk to a waiter have a conversation and breathe. Yeah on both your fucking pies Why would I want to eat your fucking pie? You just added 10 minutes to a dilemma that didn't need to exist Turn your skinny fucking ass around scoop those two pieces of pie put them on that charge me I don't care if your hands are dirty. Isn't that something weird that I noticed they they do this in places, right? Too much smartness. They added too much brains to the operation when all I want is fucking simplicity Yeah, they have to like uh They have to take the gloves off and change gloves every time every time

I mean this has to be a scam by the glove industry To fucking make this a law. There's no way. I want it. I like One pair of gloves for every like I'd say every 30 sandwiches, but I haven't There's a difference I think if you think that that's the dirtiest shit that's touching your sandwich is this person's fucking gloved hands I understand not fingers because they're touching shit all day But if they put a glove on and they're sitting at a station making sandwiches, they don't need to change their gloves every time I think if they leave their gloves on for you know an hour or whatever it is every hour or two if they change them

That's okay. Well, the only thing I the only reason I'll disagree is Allergies if that's the reason but the reason why I like it If you're if you're like at a fancy restaurant Fine do whatever you want to do. I trust that you watch you already beat me with allergies, right? You don't have to speak anymore You know what I'm saying like I want the people or like I want people like at that level To be wearing gloves. You already killed me with allergies. Obviously. That's a perfect answer at subway I wanted to put three pair fucking gloves on And you go to subway. Look at the bag who worked there. I want you to double bag those garbages hands, okay

When you go to subway like you went all those years lee Even with the glove on the fucking hand You got to assume you got to assume. Okay. I love you to death When you go into a restaurant from now on you don't need to look at the kitchen You need to look at the waiter and pray to god that you got a good one. He washed his hands Yeah, he didn't finger bang the fucking hooker last night and didn't wash his left hand Now he puts on his kid's fucking your kid's macaroni and cheese his fingers Now your kid gets a little rash the side of his fucking mouth

And nobody knows what's bothered them. They won't let him at the Boy Scouts You have no fucking idea Listen, I remember one time I got arrested I got arrested and And for a warrant In 85 and 10 10 fly a t-neck 10 fly maybe and they said we'll let you go. I bailed out, but they said we have to bring you over to Bergen county courthouse, where the fuck that was at the time Dog I had been in jail. Well fucking day and I missed both meals. I was in county. So they didn't give me nothing

I was fucking starving My blood pressure is dropping. I'm getting dizzy and shit this cops transport make a listen dog Officer, you gotta do me a favor. I got no reason to lie. You look at my warrant. It's for fucking Nothing I go look at my police record. I go listen. I haven't eaten I go you gotta do me a favor. You gotta pull over somewhere. I'm gonna fucking drop But the time we get to Bergen county, it's gonna be 10 30. I don't have food in the jail Please officer. I'll do anything a sandwich and we're driving right by chance And I tell you what

If you pull over here going there and order he goes, what do you want? He left me in the back of the car With the handcuffs on he took money out of my wallet and he wouldn't then got me pork fried rice and the soda And I fucking ate it in the back of the car while I'm eating He says to me Hey, let me tell you a story about that fucking food you're eating He goes a few years back. There was a high-line thief robin robin safes Around the area and the target said that this was the next place Because his family is fucking kinky

So what we did was we set surveillance up inside chans And waited for him to kick down the door. Oh, he goes. Let me tell you something when they turn the lights on At one or one time we all pulled our guns down. We started yelling It wasn't the guy coming in It was the amount of rats chans had in that fucking kitchen. Okay He goes in the size of the rats Now that was 1985. It's 2007. I 2017 I still eat a fucking chance and I know about the rats. You understand me?

But I know what i'm dealing with. So what I got a little rat shit We think that's the first time I ate rat shit in my life before. Yeah, i'm a new york city type of motherfucker Oh, yeah, this gives a shit about his fucking rats. You just gotta control what the fuck you eat. Yeah, let me get some shot out here brent rogers garroth pervis neon no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, mr. Armstrong. You know, I love you Megan 715 young deep soap young dish soap Don wrangler

Alley cupid jacob rogers And my main man andrew lorenz Not to mention the austin fucking mafia down there bobby Holding it down in austin for me my girl over in michigan Fucking clio My main motherfucking austin who I got a contact his routes not going to be there July the 8th uki spooky and the rest of you motherfucking savages. Don't forget tomorrow night sold out next thursday though Is wide open over flappers?

730 show bing bang boom 10 bucks what it is is me just working on materials Leo be there taping. He's the executive to the executive to the executive to the executive assistant of the assistants And uh, we'll have a good time. I just got the title executive at it. That's very nice. Thank you, dude. I appreciate that Then I got brayer june 8th Through the 10th you brayer motherfuckers thursday night That's the night Anyway, that's it and that's that so you have no plans all the shit you talk and the extravagance

I always talk so much shit. I know it's where you're going this weekend. You got nowhere to go and nobody hang out with I hadn't thought about it. No, no, I honestly never even crossed my mind You're such a good egg. You know that that's what I love about you I'll do stuff. I'll uh Is your wife working on saturday? I don't know if she has to work. She has to work two or months. I don't know if this is one of them or not But I don't think no, and I think she has a three-day weekend. So I think she's good Joe pick up some water. Absolutely my brother. I'm cotton mouth, but I will say

1400 milligrams. I'm still standing here pretty easily guys. It's crazy. I'm very impressed. Where's that? Would you say you're cutting out? Well, no, I thought you said you want two more. No. Yeah, fuck. Fuck. Yeah, there's a league. I need another one Oh, stop being a pussy late. Come on That's good. That's good. You know his record is 28 My record's 28. He's gotta break my record. Break his record right now, lady You're gonna look me in the fucking eyeball after all we've been through After all the edibles we ate and you're gonna tell me you're not gonna have any 2800 fucking milligrams. You're crazy

Are we saying you haven't done it? Oh, please Let me tell you, Joey Diaz did not lie in the beginning. I was eating I don't eat them. You know, you have to remember I was going to see the russians Okay, I would go to russians and eat two pieces of banana bread At those days banana bread had to be 500 milligrams because you couldn't eat the whole piece I would eat the entire fucking piece Then I was eating two of them after I fucking puke green one day in the car

I mean, this is crazy. Shit. Hold on. So that's 1600 1800 Yeah, that's 1800 you're doing right now. Is that good? It just doesn't affect you. Are you high at all? I'm feeling great. Well, you gotta go for 3000. No, you gotta set the record straight tonight That's it. That's why I didn't bring you any chocolate or anything Because I said to myself, you know what? Lee don't need them. I want Lee to break To read I want you see the plaque we got we got a plaque from YouTube you're gonna get a plaque from star one The first guy I ever to eat 3000 milligrams. What are you? What are you at right now?

I'm at 2600. I can't do 3000. What's 400 more than do you? Nothing. Who cares? Nothing. We'll get you some pizza I don't need pizza. I don't need pizza. I'll need a fucking kidney transplant Come a more bong. It's night tomorrow. You just gotta make sure you drink a lot of water And you make sure you go to no whole park and walk around so you sweat it out of your system And you'll be what what happens if you don't do that You don't want to lurk it in your fucking system. I mean it it's in your I go to the steam room, joey Yeah, that takes my shot that takes that top layer off and you got to do the steam spits combination What do you mean like you have to go to steam and then the fuck another one then with the rocks

The hot the hot. Yeah, I don't like hot. I don't like my son. I like steam. I joined the gym just for the steam room See what happens to me is what happens to me at jujitsu Once I think about what I'm doing I get nervous. I'm I'm thinking about super hot What's what's four more hundreds at least do two more hundreds? So nobody could even No, he's gonna do four more hundreds. You're gonna break the record. Why would he why would he tap out? Let him do two and let him see where he's at two more hundred And if he's good at 2800, he hasn't what is the worst that could happen lay? Or his heart

I'm sorry And then you and I'll go to fucking murder for attempted murder for blowing Attempted First of all, it's gonna be like third degree manslaughter or some shit like that. It's on video. They saw what happened. He wanted it Is that gonna be murder? Oh my god, it's just us calling him a pussy That's not murder. You go home at night like when I leave here, right? What happens to your heart?

You've never complained to me about like my niece said something about her heart Red band said it's hard to go in this house. I've had it. Do you feel it? Yeah, my heart my heart's being fast. Yeah That's just love. That's good for you. It's like fake exercise. Sure Your body thinks you're doing jumping jack. I mean why you're sitting there just am I crazy? Is that a stupid thing because when I'm in the steam room, but after like 30 minutes I'm really going pretty hard, right? And my heart's just going and I'm sweating. Do you get high before you're going? Oh, yeah Yeah, it's my favorite thing in the world too hot to get out before you don't know you have no idea

You have no idea what it's like to go on a fucking sauna in the morning Nice, it's incredible baked and then you shout right afterwards. You never feel cleaner Oh, the wyme seeing hollywood was my old time the wyme saying hollywood opened up before dirty He guess it was dead 429 boom boom with a bottle of fucking Higher center whatever that spray is to open you up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Eucalyptus Eucalyptus the first thing I would do is take a nice shower. Even if I had to take a shower at the house I'd take another hot shower just to get everybody ready

I'd go into that sauna nice and stone to the gills. Yeah And I'd fucking do 10 15 minutes in there that's that I'd start stretching in there. Yeah, just light stretching Open up your muscles. Boom Take another cold shower and bam go into the steam room for a little eucalyptus Stop at least I have. Yeah, it's the best thing to do. Well, look, this is what I do with my head I've never I usually see me in a hat because I get shape my head with clippers Now I've been bicking my head because I'm just at the gym all the time I go in between spots

Because they're all over the city the gyms. So I literally go in I'll have an hour between spots I'll pop in steam for 20 minutes shower shape my head shape my face. Boom never felt better never felt better in my life, joey It's the best thing I've ever done now and then here's the beauty I would get out of the steam take another shower Then I would jump into the pool Boom into the heated pool and do like a little 40 minute workout like 20 for pulling And 40 for kicking I would stretch in the pool. I throw some karate kicks in this nice warm pool And I get out and I do it all

What's wrong with that lay? What's your problem with that? Why do you have to say I actually had your door to goggles But no, no Not for the steam room obviously That doesn't sound like heaven Not stoned stoned in hot being overheated freak me out. You've never done it. Give it a shot columbus Did ever have a stage your room a few times? Let's do I'll I will go tomorrow or friday We should all go to the steam room. There's a place on wool shirt. It's like a russian bath house Let's go where they give you the massage no hand job lay all on the up and up here

These are russian men that I finally I'll give you a hand job. They put it. No, he doesn't want I appreciate it It just feels nervous I believe they put a towel around your waist They rub you down and they put some stuff in here. They peel it off They'll shave your head completely. They'll shave your mustache You'll look like fucking forget about it. Anyway Seriously, you didn't know that down. I I think it's an it's an hollywood sundae It's russian bath house. They've been in the east village. They have one. I understand how like this steaming sounds great

I've been in steam rooms. I just don't really want to get stoned out of my mind for it. No, you do You do you really do you have no idea how easy of being in that room You don't know what you're saying you're too high to even know what you're saying right now That could also be true and he has he has Talked his way out of eating two more stars of death to break the records. He knows he knows he's going down I thought that's not over yet. There's still time. He's gonna have time. He's a good man this shit When is the festival? It's called skankfest january or june 23rd through 25th. That's thursday through saturday

And uh, no no no friday through sunday. It's a friday night kickoff red bands doing a death squad show Uh that friday night. Um, we got dav smith. He's premiering a special he's got an hour special that we self produce It's fucking incredible. Um, and then on uh all day saturday all day sunday from noon until 2 a.m It's content parties. It's just basically an all-day comedy party. It's out of control really great I mean uh headliners this year jim gaffigan uh arty lang berg kreischer Uh, what else uh, dunk and trussell arish afeer big j. ochre sin fucking

Where's arish show it? Arish show they're all in one it's all in one venue except what then we move It's all set up in one venue and then we move over to that loft space So it's gonna if you're coming you're gonna see everything you're hanging out with everybody That's the difference between skankfest and other comedy festivals is this is literally a party where you're hanging out with all your favorite comedians as well So it's it's it's pretty incredible man. It's it's very different if you I mean you can't go this year But we're doing a tour next year eight cities Actually, you can go this year if you follow skankfest nyc on twitter

We're giving away a pair of tickets every friday So we have sold out completely already sold out completely kill. Tony's gonna be there. Uh, we got guide them comedy jam It's gonna be incredible. That's crazy. You got a lot of guys No, yeah, so we have 110 comics overall throughout the entire weekend that are on different showcases different levels and all the same building Yeah, well, it's two venues technically, but it's all you know the one in the earlier part It's in the creek in the cave and then we move over move over to the gantry loft Very interesting. You should be proud of all the moves you guys are doing. I'm really excited about it, man You guys work hard. You're out. Yeah, it's sweet. No fucking day. I see you out there

Yeah insulting people You do the podcast, you know, hey listen, man, you're young. This is what it's for. Yeah Comedy is such a It's such a spread out thing that you you could do so much If you want to shoot videos, you could do videos you want to do a podcast You could do a podcast you want to do a podcast and shoot videos You can do it out of the fuck you want Well, that's the other thing as well because you know, it's so easy to do high quality stuff now and

There's certain guys that just fucking, you know, you know that the guys like you I mean like you like guys like Ari, you know Big Jay, you know, those guys that I look up to that just kind of just you guys didn't fucking change the way you talked You didn't change the way you walk. You did what you did, you know, I'm saying I was like, fuck it You're like come to me or don't I'm gonna get fans. I'm gonna do my thing So that that was very inspirational and I in turn take that and put it into things like Legion of skanks skank fest gas digital which is the podcast network I run and that's kind of the spirit of you know, what I do You know and all the things with all the projects that I have it's like, you know, we celebrate

You know kind of just you know, I don't free speech is a hacky word But it's like, you know, we celebrate You know, just kind of saying comedy man trying to be funny funny first Just fucking funny. Exactly. You know, I don't like drama even comedy. But no, it's uh That's a troubling time for you as a comedian And as a human being You know, I said that look that's the time in your life as a Performer that you could become an alcoholic or a coke fiend or

You know a fucking junkie and speed or heroin because You come out here. You come out here with a dream. I saw it a thousand times I saw the thousand times and if you look at A lot of comics who did get on television There was a lot of issues with rehabs and stuff like that while they were hot on tv because A party was just saying shit and doing shit. There's a comic you would never do a say Do you know what I'm saying? If they put you tomorrow on abc

They would Some show. Yeah calls you up and you're in this show and you're playing this Sweet a lot of a fucking guy How long could you last on there all day? People yelling at you for using the wrong word Say this word say it Next take it's Fuck and all of a sudden, you know, they come at you again. How long till you snap?

You know, how long as a comedian, you know, what the road is like you have all this freedom on the road The great eddie griffin was told me goes and you got into comedy You get into comedy not to have a job And all of a sudden one day you have a job. Yeah That's very true. That's I've never I've never felt that more than right now I've never been busier in my life when I had a fucking day job I mean, I would take off when I'm done with my day job. Boom. I check out. I'll fucking go out do whatever I wanted to do Now there's freedom of being a comedian too. Look, we you know, I you I can't complain

It's fucking it's a brilliant thing and it's amazing and you know, I can never complain about what I do Um, but at the same time the mental disconnection from a day job where you can just like literally you live for the weekend Friday hits and you're like go out with your friends and With something like this, you know, where it's like you do you're doing your passion Whatever it is for your comedy What if you if you're living your passion and that's your entire career You never turn it off and that's really mentally exhausting that never like that never stops and anybody who excels at anything Like at a really high level, you know, you know, it's

That obsession I think is like more exhausting than anything else Well, look that first time you go into a market, you know, I'm thinking back to 98 When I was already irregular, but that was it I couldn't bust that I got put on at the improv I got put on at the laugh factory only on monday nights for latino night It was 20 minutes ago, but that's about Bless us. So he's still around. I still thank him because he used to give me every monday night

A 20 fucking minute spot even though jim masada did not want me on the stage So that was cool of him, you know, but that was it I would showcase for things. Fuck you Nobody would ever pick me montreal CBS showcase Fucking are you name it you fucking name it? So for years, I went all right. No, I gotta figure this out Then I gotta give it to me. So I gotta go rock that fucking world one way or another

And I started doing movies. I didn't do movies because I wanted to I did movies because I knew it would be it would get me a little closer to my goal only maybe to the back door That's hilarious and look at the end. There was a fucking podcast It was our our ability to fucking tell stories on here and bring them to people That's it really made the push It wasn't the fucking movies. It wasn't the tv shows. I mean it helps It helps people notice you But this is what really this medium really helped a lot of comedians

And it really opened up the door for a lot of comedians me being very fortunate. Well turned it made It it just it changed the relationship between comedy fans and comedians because before it was you go to a comedy club Once twice a year three times a year, you know, and that's it and you see some comedians You love me. You think they're great. You buy their album. You watch their special. It's a very disconnected relationship Um, but now it's like with a podcast, you know, it doesn't even matter. You know, if I'm if I'm not even a funny mood one week They're with me right there, you know, I'm saying that's a that's a different thing If you know you if I had a fucking kid you listen to me find out Like on my podcast. I mean that not literally on the podcast. I don't find out but like I find out

I find out that day Or I go to have a conversation with my chick We were gonna have a conversation after the podcast that i'm really on edge because you listen to the episode I wish I could give you the episode number so if you're actually interested in this I'll tell you if you tweet me or arrest me on facebook But um, oh no, it was the day that me and Dave is Dave's Lewis versus Dave is the name of the episode Because i'm really fucking on edge because my chick was pregnant and we were gonna talk about it

We were gonna talk about what we were gonna do with the baby right after the podcast So i'm like freaking the fuck out. I just come back from the road a road gig I was in montreal my buddy napar gatsy And his chick was pregnant and I was like fucking losing my mind, dude And I really wanted to keep the baby, you know what i'm saying? She was like she's very measured very smart chick and um Me and Dave smith we get into a fight on the podcast and it's not even about that. We I'm I'm fucking freaking out And we ended up just blowing up and getting into a huge thing over nothing

Um, but it's kind of funny like listen back to that and it's like these are like these big moments like that night I'm fine. I'm having a conversation on whether or not we're gonna keep my son That's a different type of connection with a fucking comedian that you got in 1996 And dane when you're doing to bring it back to what you said about dane dane kind of understood that You needed that type of connection with people. He was the first guy to go. Oh, shit It's more than just telling jokes and he was great at telling jokes. He was, you know, huge and murdering It wasn't like he was ignoring telling jokes. He was going out writing material and fucking, you know performing at a very high level but

He was the first guy to go like oh shit I can connect with these fans in a different way And that was kind of the beginning of social media and podcasting I think it's kind of an extension of that of that You know podcasting is radio meets all of that social media shit And then we have this shit and people fucking they're sitting here with us I love you see that on that meme pull that meme up brother listen, you'll love it It's the best meme I've ever seen about podcasting. It's uh, it's called just look look up. Uh, what it's like to listen to podcasts

Oh, I think I've seen it. Yeah, I love it. It's great. And it's a for the audio listeners. It's a picture Um on a wall and it's girls eating ice cream on a wall And then there's a kid sitting next to the picture eating an ice cream cone Not in the sd. I'm probably not explaining it well for the audio people but look it up. Yeah, that's it right there It's so funny. I always thought I would be good at radio Like I would go on the road And they make me do radio and I do really well on the radio And the people would talk to me and they go would you consider?

uh A radio job that I leave there all fired up like maybe I could just move to North Dakota work the comedy club, you know, I'm seeing just work the radio and just I didn't even know what they were paying like I would settle down for that job. It was so funny how In a way, I always knew the radio was somewhere in my future Right, but the radio showed up as a podcast, which is very interesting I didn't want it to be radio. I've never wanted this to be radio. I always wanted this to be

A pirate type thing. I want you to listen to this I'd rather just do the audio than the visual I do the visual because I'm gonna hand some motherfucker and I want to see what's cracking like I don't want to rip you You don't want to rip your fans off and not give them that. Yeah. No, no, no, so Um, you know what you would deprive them of that mug. Yeah, I wanted people to get you know, I was always intrigued When I watched it The 50s how people would gather around the radio families Will come down at seven o'clock in the 50s listen to the green horn it

You know, and we would sit there for for an hour or 30 minutes fucking silent They would say maybe say an ad that's what really intrigued me to podcast That I wanted to get people listening again Do you know what I'm saying? Like I'm just listening deep to you. Like I really believe that Like I want it. I don't think people were listening anymore. Yeah, we listen to music and But to listen to people talk real talk. Yeah, like what we do here, you know, we talk about you, correct Shit's affecting you right now in your life. That's absolutely correct. Hmm That's why they never even like talking topical stuff

You know, I get emails every day. Fuck you. You didn't talk about the u.s. I'm not Joe Rogan I'm not Joe Rogan. Why should I talk about the fucking UFC Joe you listen to Joe too Let Joe talk about that I love not talking It's funny because everyone thinks because I do a show at Michael Bisping a podcast and a radio show and everyone When I come onto the show like this or whoever show I do they think I'm always going to talk about UFC. I love

Not talking about UFC because I talk about it all day. I mean I talk about a few hours a week So it's like, you know, I could talk about this shit all fucking day. Who cares, you know I like I like just having a conversation and see where it goes Even with you But you make that easy as well because when I do other shows a lot of times they need a little bit more structure You know what I'm saying? That's just a testament to how good you are at kind of having An ability to tell a story and keep the conversation going A lot of shitty podcasts out there

well, listen Before I became before I started podcasting, okay, what do you Let when do we start podcasting me 2012 September 2012? So I was doing it. I was doing it 2010 with felicia Okay, so 10 year 2010 was seven years ago at that point in my life I was doing stand-up comedy 19 fucking years 19 years That's a fucking veteran. Okay. Yeah, and a lot of those 19 years were veteran wars. You know what I'm saying one night is

Triple wars Going on stage hung over but learning control Being on stage and going wow Look at these motherfuckers. They're paying attention to me. You know 10 years ago people would fucking look away People would eat people would talk to each other now I got everybody's fucking eyeball. I'm doing something right. You're moving, right? You know that comes from being on the road that don't come from fucking sitting at your house and telling your friends I had to understand last night or whatever these people do

That comes from banging it the fuck out. You know and uh I felt when I got on there. Yeah, we have a lot of gaps I've listened to earlier fucking churches and I want to jump out of fucking window But in time you just learned you learned the timing You remember stories from your life. It's almost like with stand-up like how they say you have to like listen to your stand-up set Over and over again um, I listened to the podcast back all the time It used to be because I would edit them because I used to edit my own shit

I was producing my own shit before we had you know studio and all this other stuff, but That's how I think I got really good at podcasting because I was editing right you listened I was I had to I had to listen to and not only that we were like we had bad audio So I would really have to listen through and listen to things over and over again You find your little ticks the things that are fucking annoying and the things that don't sound good You know your mic diction how far you stay away people don't get like people at our pros, you know, I'm saying like We literally think about right at least I do we think about all that shit All that you know all that when I leave here as high as I am stupid

I'll sit on the couch and think about the podcast and the points that we made the points that we didn't make And how I should call Lee and we'll do the podcast over again and include that point I'm like fuck that noise Lee's home in bed. It's 5 15 the fucking morning. I'm gonna call Lee and go over there and re-tape it You know But you can't see let me tell you something guys I was with her today. I had called for your Felicia today. I gave her babe. It was great to see it I talked to on the phone twice a week when I was doing the podcast for Felicia

Felicia was editing it And I couldn't listen to the whole thing Because it wasn't my dream I wanted to give it to you how it was done I did not want to fuck around If you call me tomorrow and go Joey Louis gonna mess listen The thing I said about the chinese chick eating my hand. So I gotta take it out. You're dead. Louis. That's it

I ain't taking it brother. I had to do that recently for somebody. I take it out. I take it out recently somebody I can't do it because this I want you to behave yourself I want you to come on here and I want the word to get out. I want you to go fucking joey dears I told the story fucking my ex-wife in the eyeball. He fucked up. That's his fault I cannot Well, we've had three people calling me and I have not cut this shit and two of them I don't think I don't even know if they're around anymore. They won't I refuse. Can I tell you why I did it? because

Here's I do. Here's what I do, right? Number one, I almost feel like it's like it's a rule like if I can I would right Your live show is a lot of people watching it. There's how I mean how many thousands of people watching this live, right? My live show is behind a paywall. That's the only way you can watch my show live. The podcast is free But in order to watch the video in order to watch it live, you got to go to the website Um, and it's a much smaller fraction of people You can't get rid of something that goes out on your feed really you can't once it's out there on youtube for free. Boom. That's it For me, you know, legionous hanks is there's probably, you know, a couple thousand that watch it live

So that's a little bit harder, but for like real-ass podcasts or some of the other shows Which that that's what it was. It was my smaller show. There was, you know, a couple hundred people watching live Wasn't a big deal. I was like fine. I'll do it. But it's annoying. I almost feel like you should It, I mean if I guess if I would have said no, he would have been fine But I'll tell you right now. I'm I'm probably not gonna have him back on the show. No, no, no, no, no He made me do more work. Yeah, you can't you can't trust me. No, it's a problem Lee We've said some fucked up stories

I've said some fucked up stories on here. Of course. So if I've said 300 stories on here Don't you think I have 100 So I can't fucking repeat How many times have I sat here with you at night like well these microphones ain't I gotta tell you about something or person or something that happened years ago And you'll sit there and say why didn't you tell me about this? Because you know, you can't say every I got a thousand stories. I can't tell on here

Are you fucking crazy? Bo you're glowing I'm really high Like there's like a uh, uh, oh, uh, oh, yeah, you're halo wearing. It's great. This is tremendous. Yeah, it's really good No, no, I love it. No, this is I'm I'm going to Murder tonight. It's gonna be the best show I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going up to the lat factory I'm brian brad band show. I'm gonna change the world. You want to take some stars to go from there Yeah, maybe the midnight hour. I'm gonna take one more right now. So I hit 2000 on the show. Oh, fuck. Yeah I hope you're watching this ladies and gentlemen. Lisa. I how many

Hope you learned your fucking lesson. I surprised fine 3000 Oh I have to do a week. How are we sure that we agree that you want to do 3000 give me a small one. Don't be a No, it's a big one. I don't have no food here in case you start trembling and shit I'm trembling right now. So let's see what happens. Oh, there's brownies. There's chocolate brownies. Yeah, sure That's T8 C. That's good. That's 2000 is good. I did 850 or 825 last time There we go. It's a record right there

This christ, Joey Lee sciat has broken the fucking Here's what I'm talking about ladies and gentlemen pretty incredible He got his stripes back the ones he lost the other day. You're playing the death song though. No Well, they opened me up. They'll be like, why is he why isn't that's purple? The other night he I kept telling him Louis Gomez is coming Wednesday night going to training Like Friday night. He had like 600. Yeah, he lied to me. He played. He was cheating on the phone Saturday night. He had like eight stars

Sunday he went sabbatical and then Monday he tried to come in here and cut me I told him listen if I was you I'd eat every fucking star in that bag Because Louis Gomez is coming to town. It's like Santa Claus And he ain't fucking around Wednesday night. He kept him in last night. He did light training. He did 1600 Look at the whole yeah, this is it tonight. Lisa. Yeah, are they done? Are you are they in already? No one is A 2800 ladies and gentlemen Oh my god, do the does the average person is it this hard for the average person or is it just this hard for me? It has well, my body's trying to tell me like stop doing this

But is it uh, I hope you're a little hard. Don't fill a paddle jesus christ I can't believe you want to do 3000 milligrams. What the Should I just stop at 28? No, what are you doing? Oh my god, we already applauded for you You can't take the applause back. That's really true by taking the applause back. That'd be like I have to end my friendship with you minister murder me right? I don't know how to make that right in the world if you don't feel like that'd be like fucking editing Yeah, that's crazy It's gonna be only two seconds. Oh my god that anxiety

Shit like that Um flat that fucking food fucked me up today something else is going on. I don't know last week. I took that I took a five-day body bomb To clean out all the fungi in my body. I had these weird rashes and From the years sleeping on fucking mattresses and shit But I had this rash that you would flare up from time to time Oh, my like sometime one day. Well into my arm. It was like a fucking red thing like somebody whipped me I was like, I gotta stop this. I went to the doctor

He goes, that's like 18 years of being out there. Yeah, that's all I've been doing comedy. That's a lot of fungus The one fungi toenail disappeared the new toenail was growing up But the other one's still in the valley of death Here you go ladies and gentlemen, please the fucking monster. Please the fucking monster to face. I'm sepa. I'm such a hypochondriac like I hate I hate going to the doctor. I hate like oh I mean I go like uh, I had to get surgery. I had a stye That was recurring and we came back and it became like a cyst that had to be removed So they had to do like a physical on all that shit, but that was like, oh, I hate it

You know, you're so afraid of like death 35. Yeah 35 You know what man? If you have insurance, you have to go to the doctor You know what they charge me at st. Joe's hospital and they didn't shut cut my tongue. This is why I My whole no do what you want brother my discomfort With everything is I think of The american family. I think of lisa. Yeah, and his brother growing up. I really do. I think of that's the american family Two two kids

You your wife and two kids the girl and the little boy Okay, I don't know what you make for a living. I don't know what your wife makes for a living Could you afford to go to the Yankee game once a week? Were you two kids? How much is Yankee game? I fucking lied for a family of four when you're making five one hours a week driving the truck in the Bronx 200 with overtime your rent walking your rent B You live in the fucking Bronx somewhere or Brooklyn, right? You know here put it in here Clean it with this. Oh, yeah, perfect

Um You know, what can your rent be? I'm talking about the the medium range american family How much can they possibly remember? What can they take your child? Can you take your child for the next game? Can you take your wife and get popcorn and hot dogs and shit like that? Well, they do but they get no you can't but they rock up cracker dad. What if you want to come out here and visit disneyland? Right bring four people at 450 and most people can't afford that. No, that's what i'm saying to you and this is what pisses me The fuck off please stop breathing heavy, please

You're making me nervous. You're you look like me before I give blood There's nothing to breathe heavy about now. I know how stupid I look are you afraid to get blood Oh, all that shit. I'm the same doing people. Listen. Let me a favor. Don't get me started My point because I almost I fainted on the show two weeks ago Why because I bit my tongue and I told the story on the show and I fainted from just telling the story All right, but let me tell you what I'm sorry going so the other night I caught my I bite my tongue At two in the afternoon. He's got the last one. Let's go league. Come on. Lee. Well, we're already in the water Did you bro you can't leave leave leave leave leave leave leave leave leave

I went to an hospital. I got there at 11 o'clock at night I got there at quarter to 11 And they fucking uh Look at look at look at look at look at what I gotta do. He's holding his own mount This is what I gotta do. Anyway I go to the hospital 11 o'clock. I tell him listen This is bleeding. They don't offer me a gauze. They don't offer me nothing This is bleeding uncontrollably. I'm going to the bathroom pulling out paper towels

Putting them under my fucking thing Next thing, you know, they call me back there They ask me a bunch of creepy questions. I give them the insurance card Then they send me back out there And at 12 30 they come get me and they go listen. We made a thing We can't staple it But there's a doctor who's coming at three and he'll take care of it go over there sit tight till three o'clock Wait, what time is it? It's fucking 11 o'clock at night 11 30 quarter to 12

I'm sitting and I gotta be on the plane the next day for Utah I'm like, what the fuck am I gonna do sir? You know what I'm not fucking sitting here I'll go home. Jesus Christ. I bled the whole fucking night I got up the next morning. My mask is filled with blood to sleep. I was terrible. I flew to Utah You didn't go to the doctor, huh? You didn't go back to the doctor. I went to the doctor in Utah Now in Utah by the story. Okay. I went to the urgent care. I went in there. They took my blood prayer They talked very nicely to me. They took me to the back a young doctor came I can't stitch you because then you can't tell jokes

I go, what do you want to do? Because let's try something. You took a piece of uh This glue this cocaine thing that shortens the nerves and the pores So you stopped the bleeding a little bit that he put a piece of like metal In my tongue and he goes I'll fall out of his own. They would just stop the bleeding boom healed They took my insurance card The other hospital sent me home three hours. You ready for this ladies and gentlemen You know how much St. Joe's and Burbank charge me that hospital? $396 to send me home

You know how much the other players and when Utah charge me how much? Zulture why? Because they they took it out of my fucking copay or some shit That's how that's how human beings are bro. Yeah, this place didn't even do nothing. They were like you have to wait here I could see if they've gained the ice I could see if they fucking sat me down or put me in the back on the observation They never said listen, you're losing a lot of fucking blood Once you're going to back and let's lay you down. Let's watch you for a little while

They never said that you can bro if you saw me you could see the blood all over my face all over my hands This wasn't no fucking joke But anyway, who gives a fuck i'm just thinking about people who You know what you gotta do somebody told me this my friend my friend katie did this If you need anything just go to the go to the emergency room go to the hospital and they have to treat you I know i know that give a fake name. Yeah, you can't give a fake tell me your big pussy No, not today because they have cameras there

And they it's not like the old days in new york city. What's your name? I think you can get away with it. I really do Are we taking over lee? All right, whatever we'll go Lee it's a lucid late show. Well, yes, sir. Let's do some more fucking stars. Lee. Don't be a pussy Set a new record that joey can't beat so my question for you. Lewis. Yes is how are you gonna combat? Uh gaining weight back because that like I just because I just ate 40 000 grams of sugar

No, no, no with the stars of death not just tonight because you lost weight Because I've I've I've gone up and down my entire life and I went down and I've recently gained 15 pounds So I have to go back down. I did I fucking fluctuate man. It's it's a nightmare. It's really a nightmare I was on birds podcast talking to him about this, but it's like it becomes an obsession and that's the problem I almost wish I just was fat and never even thought about it and just fucking live my life as a fat guy and die eight years Sooner than a die if I was in shape And because now I just think about it all the time So do I have advice for you? No, I I don't I mean I have no advice because I will probably be fat again one day

So you say you just the minute you just admit that there's gonna be cycles That's for me. It's very difficult. I personally have a thing where It's about because it because I'm a comedian Like it's about gratification. So when my friends are telling me I'll bro. You look good. You lost weight That that that's great chicks are coming up to me like oh, you look really good Lewis you lost all this weight But as soon as the gratification disappears and as soon as people stop talking about it Is that comedian thing in me that I I look for something else. I'll start doing something else

You know what I'm saying? You see he was asking me about like losing weight and gaining weight That's what happens. I'll lose weight and then people stop congratulating me for it and then it stops being as important This is not as much of a priority because I'm a fucking narcissist So then I gain weight again, and then I go back and then I lose weight again, and then they come back Oh, you look great, but it disappears after a few months So it's fucked up Is when you think about all night when you're on these fucking stars

Are you gonna think about losing weight not eating you're gonna sit there like a munk all night I didn't have any fucking grams of sugar in these stars There's seven calories per per star. What about the grams of sugar? Two. No, I'm telling you Shut up, obviously. You know what? This is diet-free impossible. This is diet-free, diabetic-free No way. Fucking sugar-free. If this is two grams of sugar per star. What the hell free? Actually, it might be. They're pretty small Yeah, no, no, no, no. Why would I fucking blow smoke up? I mean I am eating, hold on If I just had 10 of them, that's 20 grams of sugar. It's not great Joey

Oh, but what are you gonna do? You gotta live from time to time You're Puerto Rican, right? That's in your blood. What you think you drink all day fucking sugarcane juice You're fucking cousins are drinking sugarcane juice. You know what I'm saying? You worry Do they not have the uh the They don't need it. I'm telling you it's two grams. Don't worry about nothing. I got you I got you. He's just making that number up though. The what? You don't fucking know nothing, he knows They're not gonna fucking tell you. There's nothing Google. These are my people. I don't tell you nothing

Yeah, that's too, that's the 80. Yeah, that's too Seven divided by two To Whatever they need I make it up you tell them whatever I'm dying better. Can I eat these eat ten of them? Take a chance When you're in the ambulance like Carlitos way Bleeding from the neck If you die from candy candy weed that is the most hilarious way to die listen dog if you thought this dog I could see myself Really having a bad that's why whenever I fucking take these I'd be careful lately

Because these things will put you into big-time anxiety attack like this will this could catch up with you Louis Gomez. This ain't no joke Listen, I should get you later on like late at night. Also. That's last time look at look at Zombo over there He's ready to go. He's done. What does it mean when you taste seaweed? That means that you're going down dogs. You're drowning Last time do a bonnet we'll take that Last time after I had 825 milligrams which was way less than I've had today. Okay, and I'm still standing here Joey No, you're the man. I'm gonna do the best shit. I've ever done. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm just I'm doing all I'm doing I'm gonna fucking improv every joke tonight. It's over

I'm happy for you. I'm ditching the old jokes. You'll be calling me later going. What the fuck did you give me? I fucking ate a bag of dicks. I forgot everything. I'm doing lucy k's act. Fuck it. I'm just going up and doing fucking Um, no, no last time when I went to sleep that night I heard like little whispers like if you chipped on mushrooms like you know at the end of the night After you've come down you go to sleep. It was almost like that type of thing And that's what i'm getting now. It's like when i'm out looking directly if I look directly at you I'm good, right? I love the whispers Yeah, it's good to tell you things you don't know. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Joey, you're the fucking man

No, no, no, you're so fucking cool. Come on, bro. Go to bed, Joey Things are about to go down in your head Go to bed Go to bed. Now Joey, stay up. Don't listen to him. He's a pussy. No, fuck you. I could stay up if I want to I don't have to be a class till 9 20 Oh my god I uh Get like I my anxiety with edibles is that lift

That lift off especially when you eat a lot of them That's why I always tell like Lee's used to a thousand of them real quick and another thousand And then we just pick it apart a little by little at the at the core like I like I you know But you you don't eat these so I wouldn't want you to go from a to z and then There you are breathing in your heart. I fucking red band call them ambulance. I know I hear over a thousand stories that happen That's crazy though The last thing I would want is for anybody who left here for them to have to call an ambulance because their heart would beat

Listen, man. If I call an ambulance, I'm giving them a fake name That's all I know I'm not getting my real fucking name. I'm not paying for shit First of all, they'll fingerprint you while you're sleeping Then they'll do an NCIC and they get the picture you from Mexico via Puerto Rico playing bongos and shit They'll fucking no no you got to give them everything now. It's not the joke anymore I think you can get away with it. I really don't like it. You told me that I couldn't jerk off an airplane bathroom

It was the first time I was on this show and then you did it. I still do it every every time Disgusting no not of course country flight. Joey. I'm I'm building up six hours of jazz You know what you do, bro? You sit then you put the blanket on you And you do it under your hand And you look around the people No, you you wipe off this way with your finger No That used to be young lacer transfer blow and I'd be up all night

No, it's not in public. It's under the blank and they don't know I'm scratching a fucking itch It's fucking skyline. Oh, you know, you know, but sometimes they they sit there and watch you They love it. You're like banging that you got that dude that security guard just went to jail for that Which guy from the from the football game. Remember he was obviously He was like, obviously jacking his dick and looking at the As a cheerleader you put a blanket on that's old school Is that you know what I notice here? The homeless people are extremely animated like way more animated than New York New York. They're more dangerous seeming

No, they're both pretty dangerous But they're very they're like they like, you know, they do the bugs bunny movement here like the you know That thing and in New York, it's way way more public masturbation I haven't seen any homeless people masturbating in public here And in New York City, they're jerking off. I mean a lot a lot. They are you know this show Thank you. Because next time I bring a rain jacket. I'm a fucking people jerking. Listen the homeless seen here Last night The weirdest thing happened. I gotta meet my agents. They're young kids

They dress nice. They got nice hair I parked my car I walked towards them and it's them them two kids to the 24 and this black kid I'm thinking now the kid had like the red rapper jacket and I I thought it was jewelry. I don't fucking know, you know, I'm like, maybe this they represent him as I get there ba ba ba ba ba ba they're fucking talking And so I didn't know nothing I turned around and introduced how you doing nice to meet you

I give my agents a hug and we all walk in and next, you know, the dude's behind me And he's like, man, what are you gonna eat? I tell you what I want You're telling me what you want What are you talking about? And he's like, come on, man. Let me eat with you. Well, fuck is you a director of shit And I'm like, I'm no fucking director He's like, come on, man. He goes, come on. Let me which I even pay for half of it But I could smell the alcohol You could smell the fuck, you know, it was just sad, you know, I would have gave him the fucking chicken

Then the waitress threw him out The waitress says he's been bothering people. I don't know who's homeless or whatever anymore. I can't tell You know those fucking 7-Eleven's they're out there today. I gave a chicken doll I got the I took the doll out of the car and I gave it to this woman today, you know, you don't know what the fuck they're doing I have difficulties. I have difficulty too But from time to time you got to be soft In LA in LA, yes, fine. LA. I'll give it a year. You should be more generous. You're right. I agree But in new york city

You're walking to the subway if you are going to be generous. I mean, you're gonna do fucking you will have no money No, it's expensive. You heard what I said. I said I racially Profile. No blacks. I do. No. No, I didn't say that. No, she was a black woman who I gave them. Okay. No the black man You have a better chance if you're a woman getting money out of me 100% I got a young guy. Oh my god, never. I don't I just look at her. You better have these no limbs I'm ashamed of them. If you have no, no, no, they got limbs. I'll throw them this small nickel If they have no limbs, they're big approved. You never have zero limbs. If you have one limb, you better get the fuck out of my face

You got a cup next to me and there's no limb. I throw a nickel in the fucking cup You're a good guy. You're missing the fucking body part. I'm all in the cuban side But you get these fucking people, you know, I I know who's faking my mom had a bar that the guy used to play deaf Yeah, of course, you know the new york. That's big where they come. Do you see the gypsies that have they fucking have the babies They drug up the babies. Oh my god. That's crazy No, no, I've seen all that shit and 10 out of 10. I don't stop I don't stop. Yeah, listen, sir. Come here. Look look at that. I gotta go We gotta actually go out in front of a 7-Eleven with Lee right now and just pretend that he's our baby

I was all drugged up and make some money. Guys, please help us. Our baby's dying Lee's fine. Don't get him filed up. He's all right because when you leave He'll put his head back and he'll start looking around like Zamba And he'll keep thinking how his heart's beating fast Then he'll play games himself and tomorrow morning when I call him he'll tell me a story How he drove himself and got a heart test because his heart was beating on his chest No, no, leave him alone. Please. Don't take him. No way. He's gonna be fine. When we leave you. He's gonna call dominoes He's probably he's gonna get two pizzas

Two orders of wings dominoes pizza is better than the average like pizza here, right? I don't fucking know because you this is what I do when I go on the road I'll order dominoes pizza before I'll just take my chance at pizza in whatever city it is or it's in I Don't take my chances of dominoes You're from fucking new york. Yeah, no, no, I don't fuck when dominoes in new york. No, you can't eat dominoes You don't understand my point of view. You gotta have a stamp. Yeah, everybody represents the hood represent your hood I don't eat dominoes. That's it. I'd rather die than eat fucking dominoes. I don't eat dominoes

I eat dominoes at a pinch in a pinch. No, not acceptable. You're on the road. No, not acceptable Two o'clock more starving. Listen, I live here and I hold that six seven months if I could do it You can do it. I don't eat pizza till I get to Gotham down the corner Yeah, I hold that dog. I'm a soldier. Where do you eat pizza in new york to place down the corner from Gotham? I just told you right down the fuck. What was that? I don't know. You know me. I don't know names I just know I get out. I don't fucking know. I get out and make a left I walk 40 yards and I zip in there. They got tremendous cheese pizza Strombolis, I eat pizza on the jersey side and that's it when I come back now because of the baby

We go to lower canyon, which ain't bad. I mean don't go in there going Jesus Christ. No, no, no Take your chances. Yeah, they made a nice sausage. I know you made a nice sausage garlic slice Very nice. He gave it to me on the house. I'm gonna do I had to bite into it Show him I had a gratitude. I'm gonna fuck your asshole Yeah, I went to the pickup pizza for my daughter and he goes here take the slice try it. It's pretty fucking good Yeah, is your daughter doing jiu-jitsu? No She doesn't understand that concept. It would just be like throwing away Money for how to jump up and down. That's how I'm thinking Jesus Christ. I'm about to put my son in jiu-jitsu, jolly

They they don't comprehend Yeah, but we know what they do. I my understanding Yeah, it takes time. It takes time. I know you had Mickey goll on the show. This is fucking hilarious. We have Hello, this is Burbank. This is Burbank. That's TMZ. They're looking for somebody They know Lee hit the 3000 mark and they're looking for Lee. Thank you. Hey, you're a star, baby Lee you're a star dog. Congratulations, Lee Fuck everybody. You busted my twin I don't know who to thank

You thank fucking star one for making it possible for you to work yourself into a a lean meat and marijuana eat machine You think star one then you thank the jiu god for giving you life If you're protecting you every day, then you thank your beautiful fiance paula For giving you the power in the world Then you thank your partner in crime uncle joey dears who got me started on my path To being the fucking jube monster that I am

They call me anti holocaust. They you're a fucking animal. You understand me? That's what i'm talking about. Lee say it. Anyway, where you gonna be next? Soon you hear this weekend. Where you before? Yeah, yeah, i'm here, uh If you're watching live, I mean nothing you can't come tonight, but tomorrow night. I'll be at the laugh factory I'm gonna be also at uh, ha ha comedy club If you'll be up here tomorrow night. Yeah, yeah, and then also friday night. I got two shows at the ha You can walk to the fucking ha ha. Oh really? All right, sweet. Is it saturday night? You up here? No, no, I leave saturday morning, which I wish I could say more. I fucking love every time

Every time I fucking come to LA now i'm gonna bring my son next time I come I think i'm gonna bring my son And just because i'm doing air bmb, which is the shit. You can't put your kid in there bmb No, we're gonna babysit her that'll go to the uh, you get rashes and shit I don't know. Jesus Christ. Or get a hold either way. I'll get a hotel. It's just I don't know how Listen, I was talking about what you do when I commended and it's really weird how You uh, and then you and a lot of other people I I got three days I got three days. I I don't know how you do a week

I would die. I used to No, I'll do that on the road. LA I do a week. LA because I come, you know, two three times a year I want to come out and I you know, I oh my god I'm not every here. The other thing is like I make friends. LA is the fucking shit first of all people that shit on LA They're crazy. They're crazy. They're crazy. LA comics are the fucking coolest people You guys are all fucking super welcoming and just like, you know I mean, there's some of my favorite people in the world live out here and now I make more friends every time I come out So it's like I can't come out for a few days. I want to come out and like do spots

No, you're right. No, no, no, no, I just said I can't you know I would stay here for 10 days if you could but you miss your kid. Yeah, that's that's the hard part bad You know, you're just fucking around. So it's kind of weird I just got a new bed. I gave up my king size for a fucking queen size You gotta do what you gotta do with space, bro. I need the space Look at lee gave up the bedroom for the couch. What do you have the leaves of fucking that Especially tonight, he's on the couch. He goes home falls asleep on the couch. She comes out at six in the morning goes What a fuck you been lee

Like I said next Thursday We're at the motherfucking ice house workout night. That's it. I'm just trying to put together a decent hour guys I can't do these fucking old jokes no more Come on out 10 bucks have some wings whatever the fuck you want to eat then the week after that i'm a brave improv A dynamic place. You understand me one of your original originators. That's why I used to do my uh once a month the second Wednesday of the month I started there like in 2009. So It always feels like fucking going home. I want to thank number one. I told you in the beginning of the podcast

Hello, tushy is back. You're sitting there going joy. What the fuck is hello tushy? Hello tushy is a portable bidet That you latch on to your toilet seat And you sit on it Your pee and then you turn the sun water sprinkles into your anus and your little Private parts And it washes nice and clean. Yeah, you wipe it down with a little portable fucking thing. They also supply towels You're saying joy. Why do I need a bidet? Why?

Because none of the 10 year of filthy fuck Number two, let's not talk about you. Let's not get personal here Hold on one second the fucking marines are flying by again. It's 9 30 at night. I need this shit Someone got me the blue angels joey. Thank you very much. I need fucking makasuki flying over me. What i'm trying to tell you is this He only at dad's house this weekend. He's gonna be talking to you about insurance his time in the military He's only talking about his week. What happened while he's walking around Just glance over his asshole. Ask yourself What is my father's asshole smell like when I if he was

Listen, I'm not saying your father's asshole stinks I'm just asking yourself to look at everyone's asshole and ask yourself what my father's ass must smell like He saw says, you know, he does so many things that are wrong. Anyway Why take the chance? Why live in doubt where the asshole your dad's asshole stink? Get him a portable fucking Bidday for father's day. How's that for you? Boom boom boom You set it up for you. Let me tell you something but days are the way to go No toilet paper. You save on trees. You got a 90 day guarantee

I mean, but days are the way to go. I know people bought four of them You put them in every fucking bathroom in your house. You understand me You know why cuz nine out of ten is gonna become your new thinking tank when you got nothing to do you can't take the pressures of life You're gonna go in the bathroom You're gonna turn the water on and you're gonna sit there. You're gonna sit there like a doctor You're gonna spread your legs Your ass is gonna drop into the fucking toilet and you're gonna have sprinkling water hitting your ass. Listen Listen, there's nothing more meditative than that. You could take 19 foot like that dude

They got the united settlement. They beat up dunking. What's the chinese guy's name got beat up on united flight He got a uncle and soul settlement. He's in hong kong right now. Dr. Wang is in hong kong right now As we speak he's getting a foot rub He's got a thong on he's got little chinese chicks just going like this to his shoulders They just give him little karate chops. He's smoking fucking opium. He's living like a doctor Joey, what's your point? I have no idea my point is down hello tushy.com cocksuckers. That's my point Whether it's your father your mother your grandmother's asshole stinks Somebody in your family needs a portable bidet in their house

And this is your take this is your chance to get this fucking bidet go to hello tushy dot com Take a look at the beautiful bidet dave design go on there and press in church bam on the way out and get 10% Delivered to your house. Who's better than you you're gonna feel confident You're not gonna have fucking skank ass no more You're gonna be able to go out and let people sniff your ass or when you're in a bar You've been in the bar and somebody offers to sniff your asshole and it's like a game of jeopardy You're sitting there confused for eight minutes. You don't know if you're wiped. You don't know if you're scratched no more no more Before you leave you're still on your hello tushy while it sprinkles your anus out of fucking all the fungus and everything that can grow in there

Bam you meditate and you're getting your thoughts together and you're out for the night. You understand me and listen if you're gay We're gay friendly. We don't fuck around here. Hello tushy dot com Go to the box on the check out and press in church boom ch u r ch and get 10 dollars Deliver to your house. I love you motherfucker. See you monday or sunday. We have made up our mind Once again, hello tushy dot com and I also want to thank honor the best supplements out there in the market They're really gonna help you out alpha brand if you don't like it You get you get your money back and we don't even want the fucking product. Who's better than us?

Again, I want to thank honor dot com slash church and I want to thank hello tushy dot com slash church Have a great weekend. Thank you. Lewis Gomez. Thank you. Lisa. Yeah. Thank you. Congratulations for breaking the record All right. Thank you. I thank thank you to everyone. All right. All right turn the fucking thing off. Were you Why you gotta bother me for that? You're gonna be a man all of a sudden you won the academy awards Where's the music? I should at least get trophy. Where's the music? No trophy. You want a trophy? I'll give you a trophy Where's the music? Oh, shit. Thank you for listening. That's a Congratulations. We love you buddy

The only god I need is the ace of spades Playing football, I won't get shit with the devil going with the flow. It's all against me Seven on eleven snake eyes watching you Double level crates double strikers play the ace of spades the ace of spades You know, I'm going to lose the guidelines for fools. That's the way I like it, baby. I haven't wanted it forever And don't forget the joke Oh And again

I see it in your eyes take one look and die The only thing you see you know, it's gonna be the ace of spades the ace of spades You