Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #487 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

Ralphie May, Comedian, with specials on Netflix and a residency at Harras Casino in Las Vegas, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: DollarShaveClub.com -  get your first month of razors for only $1 with free shipping at dollarshaveclub.com/church   Stamps.com - Never go to the post office again with stamps.com and use code: JOEY for a 4 week trial.     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 06/05/2017.
  

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Welcome to the church of what's happening now. I love it. Monday, June 5th, cocks up his uncle Joey's in your living room. Ralphie Mays here, Lisa Yats here. Let me explain something. The wait limit in this room is definitely over. I'm taking the over, I'm taking the over.

Here we go. Oh shit. Here it is. This is Joe Perry with the good fucking Harold. Set your free. No one knows the way, but maybe me. Oh shit. Here we go.

Good morning, Glory. Here we go. Living like a king. In a rock and roll band. Are you fucking kidding me? Or what? Break up the gorilla biscuits. What the fuck?

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Break up the gorilla biscuits. It's the church.

What's happening now? What's happening you bad motherfuckers? Happy Monday. Happy Tuesday, Uncle Joey here. Direct from Havana. I got my main man, Ralphie May. Hi everybody, how are you? And I call him Ralphie May because that's what he said

in the invitations after his wedding. They put the wrong name on Ralphie May. My ex-wife is dyslexic and she proofread it and I didn't care. Yeah, good. I'm Ralphie. Lisa, what's going on? Everything good in your world?

Everything's great in my world. You got your little crib shirt on tonight. You're ready to get shot by a blood. It's your type of night. I don't live anywhere where bloods are hanging out. It doesn't matter. It'll haunt you down with your luck. You'll probably go to fucking Auntie Chang's

dumpling palace. You'll end up in fucking Ribs and Chicken Lizard. Auntie Waffles over there on Sunset. Oh, um... I know Cripp will see you with your nice little fucking... Well, I'll see you with your nice little cribby shirt and shoot you right in the Iranian bead. What are you going to do?

You know what I'm saying? All you could do is keep plugging along. What's going on, Ralphie May? You're looking good. You're feeling good. I'm feeling good, Coco. I'm doing good. I just got back from Denver.

It was tremendous. That place is on fire. It's great. The weed was too good to smoke and it was too good not to, Coco. I can't lie to you. Did Dee and Colorado come by? No.

He's back, wasn't feeling no good. Yeah, Dee is the best. I tried to get him out there and I tried to get him a hotel room and my hotel was sold out. And then I've been trying to get him to Vegas and I want to get Tammy to take care of him. Tammy's coming, but the problem is that

you're not there. I know. So I got to give her a call. I was going to call her last weekend and say if she wants to meet up with us, maybe here or maybe there was another place I was thinking when you'll be there and I could go that weekend and hang out with you.

I've got a big residency now. They've extended me, Coco, for another couple of years. They did? Yeah. It's the first time they've done that in over 20 years. You happy? Yeah. I got a great house.

I got a swimming pool. I mean, hot tub, swimming pool right there. I walk out. It's high walls. Nobody could see anything. I walk out. My shorts. Okay.

Before, while I got breakfast cooking, jumping the pool, it's 100 degrees. I feel like a champion. Go in, eat breakfast, have some coffee. Wake up and get motivated instead of being all bummed out in the press and laying up in the bed all day. You know, it's a lot of me.

Bigger, smaller Nashville. Right now, it's half and half. I've got to sell my house there. But I'm going to buy some land. You know, my house is doubled in price in like eight years. Nashville's booming. And so I'm going to buy like 10 minutes outside of town

and it's a 10-minute drive as opposed to a 3-minute drive. I can do it. I can do it, man. It's a land in T.P., you know what I'm saying? Dude, dude, let me tell you. 40 acres. Tomato comes, you check into the motos. Stop.

Stop. I'll be 20 feet underground. I'm going to build me one of them fucking bunkers. You ought to go deep. Yeah. I'm going deep. Man came with certain oxygen and shit. Shut that fucking fuck up.

I'm fucking sorry. Everybody's hit me up. Go on. They fucking love you. You know, it's, you look good. I feel good, Coco. You know, we were talking about divorce when you walked in. Yeah.

What I had gone through, you know, we were talking about like the separation was easy for me because you don't know you want to be free till you're free. Right. People really don't know they want to be free till they're free. Right. They think something's going on. Things are not clicking, you know. You're feeling kind of sluggish, but maybe it's a situation you're in.

Right. You know, so nobody knows they did a divorce till they're getting divorced. And you go, Jesus Christ, thank God. I'm getting divorced. Yeah. You're not finally yet? No, not yet. Not yet.

You're just finalized. I don't know. I don't know. That's as soon as it gets done. It's done. That's another hundred thousand. Probably. For paperwork.

Yeah. Probably. That's all out of the bills I get, dude. Another 60,000 here, 70,000 there, 85 over here. I mean, there's six lawyers involved in two states. So, I mean, it just keeps on adding up. But, you know, look, I married a great girl. She's a great mom to my wonderful children.

And God bless her. That's all you can do. That's all you can do. That's all you can do. I want her to find love and be happy and just go all about her business, you know. I wish I wanted that for my ex-wife. You know what I'm saying? Sorry.

I wish I could be positive for my ex-wife. First of all, I don't say what I want for it because you never put it out there. It's like throwing a jab and leaving yourself open. I just leave it in God's hands because, you know, at the end of the day, I'm here. Yeah. And the best revenge is success, you know. Yeah. So, I took me years to learn that and to come to terms with that.

So, now, I don't bother nobody, though. No. I don't bother nobody. I really keep it as light as I can. Yeah. I was telling you that when you walked in before that, at times, listen, man, I had a really, it's two ways to say it, in a rough way, and no way is the truth. I can tell you I had a really shitty childhood, but I can tell you I also had a lot of fun

by childhood. Right. I couldn't imagine if my mother would have stayed alive, but then she would have also found that I got left back when I was a dumb fuck. So, God knows what a fuck would that would have taken it. But at the same time, you know, I had these people around me that well. Then at the time, I thought I had superpowers, because whatever pain I was going through, they made me forgot.

Like, either we went to Rudy's or we went to Chan's, or we smoked a joint, or we did a lot of criminal stupid shit, you know. Yeah. And it seems like I've been away from that for 30 fucking years. Like, this month, it's dirty. Lee, sometimes you sit there and go, oh my God, I have to do that. Lee, this month is 35 years since I graduated high school. Holy shit.

Yeah. 35 years. Wow. The other day I got high and I almost got an anxiety attack. When I thought about those dates, I had to do the math on paper. That's how fucking blown away I was. I'm like, I have to do the math on paper, because this cannot be 35 fucking years. What you're trying to tell me is that 35 years ago, I graduated high school.

That's what you're trying to fucking tell me. You know, it's fucking, you know, it's fucked up. You know, you just said you got left back. Look, they kicked me out of school. I didn't even get to graduate. So, like. You didn't graduate on stage either? No.

No. Fucking embarrassment that is. And my classes had reunions and they don't invite me. I'm the only one from Clarksville, Arkansas that's, I don't know, been on TV and got nine specials, Netflix, stand up comic. We're not going to, we're not going to have it. It's so crazy. Maybe they, you know, a couple of years ago in 2010, the class 2010 wanted me to come

and give the graduation speech and the fucking school. So I canceled a week of work. All right. I get a nice suit made for me. All right. I got my car shined up. I'm ready to go back to like a doctor and be nice. And two days before they had one of my old buddies call me up and go, no, an insurance

guy is going to talk. All right. The kids wanted me and they invited me and I accepted. And so it's like, that whole thing cost me like $60,000 to be called a motherfucker. It's just like, why wouldn't y'all let me be there? I don't know. God bless. And maybe somebody in Clarksville, Arkansas is a fan of this.

I got my buddy, Dirty Sanchez. He's a... Nicky is right there running a barbecue, a place with his pack of wood, a white hillbilly or pillbilly. So how long ago did you get run out of school? I got thought out of school in 1990. So you were 27 years. You were 27 fucking years.

I know. I know. So how long have you been out of high school? My girlfriend's 25. How long have you been out of school, Lee? It's going to be 10 years. Fuck this month. So yeah, I'm having the reunion.

I think it's Thanksgiving week, which is weird. I don't keep in touch with anybody. One guy. Where are you from, Lee? Right outside of Boston. Oh, okay. Like North Handover? Sudbury.

It's near... Oh, I don't know where Sudbury is. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a fucking place. Yeah, there used to be a Chinese food place there that had comedy. No, they had comedy in Sudbury? Yeah. I think they had comedy in Worcester.

Worcester? No, Worcester had it. And then there's Cow Loons. Yeah, that's on Route 1. Yeah, that's on Route 1. That's what Dean Barry was performing. And then Sudbury had a Chinese place that I did comedy at one time. It was owned by Nix.

So I did that in the 90s. Was it Lord's Blossom? Because that's like the only good Chinese place there. I think so. I think so. Holy shit. That's crazy. Yeah, so I've been in your hometown.

Yeah. I drove through, because you always talk about that, Joey, about like seeing where you were. And one of the last times I wanted to go see my mom, I wanted to go alone. She ended up driving me through the town. We just drove past my old house. And it was weird. It was kids like babysat or juniors in college and about to go to college now. You can't go home.

It's different. Yeah, it's terrible. It's just 35 fucking years ago. Are you a different man than you were then? Without a doubt. First of all, I'm a man now. You already doing comedy, right? You already doing comedy, right?

Yeah. When you go to high school, you already doing stand-up. Yeah. Wow. See, that's completely, I didn't know Dick. At 18, 19, I had no fucking idea. I told you why, right? Yeah.

Well, you wanted to take Madison thing. Well, no, no. The part that made me want to be a comedian and not go to college or give a shit about high school, because I was going to college and high school at the same time, was I performed at a Shaky's Pizza and I won like 50 bucks and the whole table got a tab, okay? And they were drinking pictures of beers, okay? And slipping me one. All right?

Mostly I was fucked up on Big Red Cokes, okay? And shit, whee. And I got a fucking, I was in my 79 Oldsville Cutlass Supreme, okay? Burgundy on Burgundy, baby, okay? And I was walking out there and this kind of ugly chick came over and we started talking and then made out and she blew me by the fucking dumpster behind Shaky's Pizza on Highway 71 in Fayetteville, Arkansas. And I said, fuck school, fuck it all.

I want to be a comedian. I just did five minutes that I've never done before, all right? And made people laugh. I got free pizza. I got fucking 50 bucks and an ugly girl sucked my dick. I'm in. I'm in. I'm all in.

But the difference between then and now is I was a kid then. I was a kid. I was a kid because, you know, all my friends were much older so they always talked to me as a kid because I was the youngest person doing stand up in Houston, you know? And I was a kid. I had no peers, nobody my age at my level stand up. And I was pushed around and protected and everything until I got so mad. I almost killed some of those old fucks in Houston.

They don't know how close they came. I had a pistol and I was out of my fucking mind, okay? I was fucked up on coding syrup and I was ready to fucking kill somebody. Okay? I'm serious. And I moved out here after the Latino Laugh Fest and Joey Medina and I met you. And being out here was a chance to remake myself in the image I wanted to be. And it was more, it was harder than what it was in Houston to survive.

You know, everything's more expensive and that really from 98 till when my father passed was me becoming a man. And the last straw was my father passing. I don't think you're a man until you don't know you're a man until your father passes away and you're no longer a son. You know, you don't have a dad. That's the point where you go, this shit is way the fuck real. Okay?

And I've got to get my shit together and, you know, have responsibilities. And that's what, that's the whole thing. That's the difference. But yeah, I am. So when you asked me if I was the same man as I was then, I say I wasn't a man. You know? Had I had I fucking come in somebody? Yes.

Had I had my dick sucked? Yes. Was I 18? Yes. Was I a dumb fuck? Way yes. Was I naive and stupid to the ways of the world? Yes.

Yes. And without a doubt. And it took me a long time of getting motherfucked to learn that lesson. At 19, I had the mind of a child, but the essence of a man, I had a, you know, it's so weird like I had to write this thing. I read this book and they want you to write like your negative positive stuff. And I wrote, there was a thing like how insecure I always was, but confident at the same time. Yeah.

You know, as I remember going into the city with friends of mine and going, when you walk across the street after you cop, you have to see your body language. You fit right into New York City. I never understood about that. So a couple of years ago, what he was saying, you know, but at 19, I had the mind of a fucking child, but the essence of a man. I already had the fucking act like by 22, I already had the answer where a lot of people. Now your 22 was a lot different than today's 22.

I mean, I mean, not for nothing. It's like you're 22 with the way you had to come up, losing your mom and your stepdad and all the shit you went through. You were forced way before, you know, the biggest parts about being a man is realizing you got balls for a fucking reason. You've got to live. You've got to survive. You've got to fucking work.

Nothing is free. You got to fucking have it to make it happen. And you had to do that. You had to fucking live. And so you lived with the cop. Okay. You lived with, you know, your other friends and you go drink. And the hash ways you'd go down and get you a you who and a roast beef sandwich with mail

on white. Okay. And you go in and she throw in a little rice pudding. You were raised by a lot of people do, but you had your roots. You know, you had you go around where you are and you had to survive and you weren't, you weren't given a choice. Today's kids, they ride bikes with helmets and kids go to school. They got $100,000 in college loans.

They got a liberal arts degree and they're living at their mama's house. That was not you. You had no backup plan. No, there was no backup plan. I wanted a backup plan. I wanted to go to school. I wanted to have a car like everybody else. I wanted to have nice clothes, but there was no backup plan.

And you know what? How some people, I always say this, how some people join a cult or some people join Scientology or some people join big rum yoga. I took the low, I took the low, what do you call it? Low hanging fruit. And I became a criminal because that's what I was raised to be, but groomed. Yeah. And I was groomed.

I had been shown not as a kid. I'd been shown a lot of avenues and I knew how easy it was. I'd been doing it, you know. I can't believe that the summer that I turned 16, I hit the number. I hit the number for $2,500 on my birthday guys. That's strong. Did you ever know that, Ralphie? I don't think I did.

It was a two foot blizzard in Jersey. Holy shit. And what I wanted for my 16th birthday was I started the day at a karate tournament. Yeah. All right. And the deal was I was going to get first place in fighting and first place in form. And then I was quitting martial arts. I couldn't take it no more.

It was too hard for me to go uptown and play basketball and have a girlfriend and talk to friends. And then in the middle of all this, I got to take a bus to Union City and walk a mile and do karate to eight o'clock at night, 10 o'clock at night with men. There was just a schedule was two packed. And besides those guys didn't get high. They didn't listen to rock music. I loved them.

I loved geeking out with them on the weekends. So that Sunday I started at a competition like in fucking Newark. They were going to cancel it, but we, they shoveled the roads and I got to go to the competition. I got disqualified. But before I was leaving, no, I'm lying to you. I came back from the competition about 130 and North Bergen kids are like, what are we going to do?

And I go, let's go to the movies. Let's go to Jersey City for the movies. Let's take the number one bus and go to Jersey City. So as I was leaving, my mother was drinking with the bookie and his wife and his brother and the cousin and the people across the street. And my mom looks at me. She goes, he wants to give you a present. He wants you to put five hours on a number.

What number you want? I got to 19. And I just left. And I didn't even fucking think about it. I went to the movies. I bought sporting goods in Jersey City right across the street. I used to buy sporting goods in those days. They're probably still there on in Journal Square from where the doodle blew up the

World Trade Center the first time. The blind guy. That was his office. Shake. Shake. Whatever his names. But I walk in the fucking door. Me and my friends got to take off our shoes.

And my mother hugs me and goes, congratulations. You hit the number. I go, come on. What do they want? $2,500 bucks. So I gave him a $500 tip. Nice. I gave my mother $500 and I kept $1,500.

And the deal was, I'm supposed to put it in the bank. Fuck you. I took a nickel out of that motherfucker and started buying acid every weekend. Up in Pittsburgh, doubling my money, tripping my mother every week. It was ridiculous. I was living like a fucking prince. As long as I had that acid, I always had $200 cash on. Yeah.

Because it was a $85 investment and I was getting back $300. So I was making $215 on every hundred, Jack. I would sell $102 days, Lee. When you're fucking $16, you're making $215 every two days. So wait, how many hits of acid would you buy? $100 for $85 and selling for $3. But did you ever think about what transporting 100 hits of acid across state lines would... Not one time.

I could look you in the eye and tell you that. Not one time. I knew I was going to sell this in North Bergen, the high school kids. It was a bubble. I was completely safe. Completely safe. I would sell black beauties. I would sell ups.

And I dabbled a little bit of weed. A friend of mine, Joe, would sell me a quarter pound for $200. And I'd sell an ounce for $100. So you'd make $200 right off the fucking top. I'd usually make $150 and smoke pot like a savage for a night with my buddies. Show up with a bag bigger than your fucking head, Lee. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God.

That hustle has been taken away in this country. Yeah. See, that was a hustle. That was a way of life. Guys like Ralphie, they figured out a way how to make a great living and not bust their hump. So what they would do is they would fucking get a job that they worked eight months of the year. But in June, they were guaranteed laid off. They would collect unemployment till October.

And the whole summer, how do you think they lived? They got 450 a week cash from unemployment. Plus, you made a grand a week, either booking or selling something. Remember, Lee, you could buy 100 Kway Ludes and sell them at the bar in one night. Wow. So it was $200 for 100 Kway Ludes. I don't think I could. Lee, all you got to do is take a piece of this Kway Lute, break it in half, and eat it.

Put it in your pocket. You come to my house at 6.30. You come to my house at eight. This is how quick it was, Lee. I swear to my mother's grave. I swear to my daughter, mercy. You come to my house at 8.30. I give you a hundred gorilla biscuits, right?

You don't have to wrap them in aluminum foil. Nothing. Just put them in your pocket. I saw it done. I saw guys way dumber than you. And I don't mean that that way. I know guys that are completely idiots. You're college educated.

You just wouldn't know. I have an arts degree. Your body language would give it up. I know guys like you. Right. Oh, my God. That would live at home with their mothers. On Friday and Saturday.

On Friday, I'd see them at 8.30. So Kway Ludes? You give them 100 Kway Ludes. They go to a bar and they buy the half. A guy like you would just buy the half of gorilla biscuit, put it in your pocket, and pretty soon your eyelids start to close like that, and people would know. They would walk over to you and say, Lee, what are you holding? That's like an open sign.

And you just tell them right off the bat, I got Luda. Who wants to go to Luda? Because Luda was a place in New Jersey. I had an Aunt Maudi Belle in Luda, Texas. Okay, Luda. Okay, that's so funny. So they used to call them Luda. If it was a Friday night and people were doing blow at $4 apiece, everybody who would

come to you would give you a 20 and take five from you. You think about it now? Yeah. Nobody would come to you and buy one Kway Ludes. So five people buy five. You wouldn't even believe it. You'd be back. And once people knew you had gorilla biscuits, good ones on the weekends, Thursday, Friday,

Saturday, Saturday, shit. All you'd have to do is go to three neighborhood bars. You could Uber in between those bars and just drop 60 to 70 off at each bar and go on your way. Make your profit. See a guy like Ralphie and go Ralphie. You want to make an extra money here? I'm going to give you these for $3 apiece.

Sell them for five. Ralphie's a door man at fucking Jazz La Rue. And you leave the last 30 with Ralphie. He just made yourself 400 fucking bucks. Maybe even 600 because you sold 300 of them. That seems a little too easy. That's how easy it was. That's how easy it is.

Did the big actually? I'm looking for it. I know. It's around here. There's a fucking beat in here. It was so crazy when you think about, and am I ashamed of this Ralphie man? You know I can't lie to you. No.

But there was a time I was an under the credit fucking credit card dude. And I still to this day out of all the shit I did, there's two things that I sit back and giggle and go, how the fuck? Not hula hands. The ground round in Sunday. So I look at you as a man. Ground round. And if you don't believe me, you call George Kaladevsky right now.

And that's my witness. All right. I took George to the ground round. The way I would walk into your hungry. Yeah. Come on. Let's take a ride. I walk into the ground.

Get what you want. It's something. You get the soup, the chili. Give him wings. How many wings you want? Six. Give him 12. You're like, look at Joey.

And all of a sudden the tab would come. I go, thank you. And I go, start walking. And you go, why? We ain't paying for this a year. And then you're fucking accomplice. Do you know how many times I did that? I think I did it three or four times in George with George.

You've made him your getaway driver. Oh yeah. Without him knowing it. No, no, no, no, no. In those days, there was always a by the way, I would give you what you're looking for. But it ain't going to come easy to you. You either going to give me a ride, a shirt. I got to take a shower at your house.

I got to do something. You have a boy with the turd down the turd. Oh my God. Yeah. Fuck you. You got to give me something. Nothing ain't cheap in those days. I'll give you 20 quailudes.

But listen, we're going to go to the Bronx. You got to wait outside this black neighborhood. And keep the car on go. Keep the car on go. Lock the windows. Keep it on go. Don't open the window for anybody. Oh, I was.

You don't need no air right now. You don't need no air. Just keep fucking breathing. I have 90 fucking business. You have no fucking idea how easy it was to make a living. But I would go in 90, no, in 85, I was the worst I ever was. The worst I ever was. Was cocaine?

No, no, no, no. In 85, I was clean. I was spotless. I was just smoking weed like a motherfucker. And I went on a six-month tear in the New York City, Northern New Jersey area, that to this day, they're scratching their heads. I would dress up in a suit and go into office building

and take purses and cash registers and shit. It was fucking envelopes and nothing in it. I throw it away. God damn it. I would go to Safeway and steal vitamins and something and tampons and what's the itch when you're vaginal and what's that stuff you get? Vaginal?

Yeah, vaginal. I would steal it in Jersey for Fort Lee and I'd walk it over the bridge to Spanish Harlem where they'd pay you a top dollar for that shit. I was a walking fucking scam. It was like, it didn't stop. Razors. The number one thing I did was I got three credit cards

in my wallet that were expired, expired, and expired. One was hot and expired. I got away with this for six months. That's when they just did the paper. It was a week, Lee. I would eat at a fine restaurant, a tremendous lunch. Jesus. On the arm for free.

I always left the cash tip. I think they were good. There was never a piece of shit there. They invented cameras because of you, I think. I think because of people like... Lee, you gave them the card and it was on the $50 and it was the lunchtime crowd. Your restaurant had to be packed.

Yeah. It had to be packed. If you went in there when you were emptying... They couldn't look at it too long. They couldn't look at it too long. They would have to take... When they had three of them for lunch, you would go to a restaurant and they had three things.

In those days, they didn't call Lee. If it was under $50, $28, $32, they didn't call. They just went like this, chink, chink. You signed and they gave you the card back. Did you look at the names and only get like a male who like not like a black dude? He was in Libya for a week. No, no, no, listen.

I became whatever name you gave me. I live in the U.S. Whether it was Mohammed, Ching-Sau-Ho, I was a Chinese guy for about two months. When I lived in San Francisco dog, I was a Chinese guy for at least two or three months because I used to go to that fucking Japan town up in San Francisco and they were the only people

that would take travelers checks without a credit card, without a license. They weren't on the movement. They were in Yakuza. I didn't even sign for that credit card, dude. You can't... You have no idea. That's how it was.

You got to talk to the people like you own the joint. Let me get that watch. Let me try it on. All right, let me get this one. What else you got? Let me get that one too. Boom. What's your name?

Sam. What's happening? Sam, everything all right? I made you a date today. You're going to make a nice commission. You take a Visa credit card, American Express Diners Club, what do you take? Here, I'm holding a Visa.

You know what I'm saying? I'm holding a Visa, but I'm throwing different options at you. I got Discover. I got Admin. What do you want? I got a Silver Cup. I've seen you do that.

No, dog. You got to walk in there like you own the fucking place, Lee. Oh, my God. And the guy would be smiling and having a great time. You give him the card. He's, thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming, Mr. Kim. Thank you, yes. Yeah. They're not going to argue with you. What are you talking about? Every once in a while, they'll ask you for a license. Yeah.

One out of ten times. You got to ask for a license. Then you had to run out of it and you lost the credit card. The credit card was hotter than hot. Remember, in those days, it wasn't what it is now. If I stole the credit card in LA

and I sent it to you, Overlight Mail in Jersey, you had two days to go bananas because it would only break down in zones. Right. So it would break down in the West Coast zone, the mountain,

the whatever. If you did it on Friday, you had till Tuesday. You had till Tuesday. Oh, Lee, there was a thousand scams. Remember, in those days, I would say to you, Lee, give me a nickel.

I'm going to give you back $5.50. I got to do that. Watch me. I go buy $500 worth of travelers checks and we get your fucking 30 cents on the dollar, whatever. And then we bang your t-shirts. You have no idea, Lee.

You have no fucking idea. I can make your day. I can say to you, Lee, you need a VCR? Yeah. Give me a hundred bucks because I'd use the travelers checks. It would cost me nothing.

The travelers checks would cost me nothing. Okay. Dirty cents on the dollar, maybe. Maybe a favor. Like in those days, the Cubans used to get a ton of travelers checks, but they couldn't use them because they didn't speak English.

So I was the only motherfucker that I bloated. So they'd tell me what they want up in Japan town and I'd get it for them to charge them a vague for doing it for them. I'd go 50% on them. And what were they going to do? They couldn't use them themselves. They couldn't even speak the fucking language.

Oh, my God. Fucking crazy. This is the shit that keeps me up in the night. How do you come up with this stuff as like just on the fly, make these business, you're running a empire. You're out there.

You're a one-man army on a daily basis. You wake up in the morning. You go to a charties. You order breakfast and you put it on a tab and you tell them you're going to be back by five. And let me tell you something. You want to know about pressure? When you put breakfast on the fucking tab

and you got to come back by five with $10. So I got to make time. I'm already minus 10. It's 9 a.m. I got to put this fucking day together here. I got to do a half gram tonight. It's ladies night at fucking Apollo. I got to come up with a new shirt.

I got to go to fucking Walmart. In those days there was no Walmart. Strawberry daggers. I got to come up with a yardstick for that. Some of these getting robbed today. What a fucking nightmare. You have no idea, Lee. You have no fucking idea.

I'm very happy that whole shit. Today I was talking to Larry and we were talking about something. We were talking about businesses. And he goes, what if you just took the little business and moved it to Vegas? And I go, let me explain something.

That's called borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Eventually they're going to nail you on something. They're going to realize you don't live in Vegas or some bullshit and you're going to go away. That was me 35 years ago. Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, let's do it. Who gives a fuck with no repercussion at all?

It's the repercussion that fucking kills you. Right. Yeah. I had, when I moved in, I didn't transfer my electric. It was just on. I had it for like a year and a half and they just turned it off one day.

I had to go in and pay. I think they ended up being like $1,400. What are you going to do? Jesus. You know, it's funny how... Poor Matt Becker. I quit high school that August. Like that August before my senior year.

Yeah. I was like, there's no sense in making it all back. Oh my God. Oh my God, my life. Like I was at that point, like a woman, I don't want to go to school. Yeah. I go, this is a job, a union.

They promote from within. Right. These guys make money. I knew all about this company because I had worked for a lumberyard that was a mass back-century hardware chain. This was the warehouse. So I would talk to the guys that delivered all this shit and they would tell me how much they enjoyed working there.

And one day I realized it was down the block from where I was living. And I went from being a daytime shift guy to a nighttime loader. So I said, what am I doing in school for? I'm making $15 an hour. This ain't bad at all. I could do this forever.

This takes me fucking four hours a night. And you know what, bro? I went back like in November and I paged it out. I tried to do all the credits and they came back to me and they said, you're not going to graduate on the stage. I said, then what the fuck am I doing this for? Yeah. And I don't get invited to anything.

I know. Nothing. I know. Nothing. Listen guys, I'm over it already. I know, right? It's like I have to be over it. I miss a lot of those people.

No, no, but I talk to a lot of those guys. Yeah, I don't. See, I talk to a lot of those guys, especially now, lately, the last few years. In fact, I want to give a shout out to my buddies having open heart surgery fucking Wednesday. If I didn't have Brea this weekend and my wife didn't pick, if my wife didn't pick Tuesday, tomorrow to fly,

I would have fucking flown back to New York at least Monday. Yeah. This guy went to my mom's wake. Wow. Like I go back that deep with Steve Villo and this family and shit. So I'll be praying for my Wednesday, open fucking heart surgery, plays the band, went home one night, they got rushed to the hospital.

His heart was beating too much. Don't do drugs. Yeah. Hasn't done a drug in 20 fucking years. Then it happened again. He had an episode again. So they said they have to do something to his valve. So.

Wow. But I was all four years with that kid. That's fucking amazing. 35 years. And guys, you listen to this podcast and like, what the fuck is Joey talking about? Let me tell you what he's talking about. It goes fast, motherfuckers.

It goes real fast. Way fast. Real fast. I know next year I'll know Ralphie 20 years, right? Yeah. 98. That's how fast this motherfucker knows. I know Ralphie from an apartment to get in the dog,

get married to having a big house, to having two kids, to having two houses. And a bus. And a bus. Now back to one house. Now back to, or no house. It's fucking Reno Tahoe and back to the ghetto. I'm so lucky, dude.

The guys at Caesars are just treating me super nice now. You know, I mean, it's phenomenal. They're class acts, you know? And I can't, I can't be mad the way I'm being treated and nothing, not getting even great. Well listen, brother, like I tell people all the time that you said it when we were talking earlier about there's no escalator to the top.

You know, you're not getting paid right now. You're getting paid for this shit you did when you went up to Vysalia and your fucking keys fell down the elevator shaft. Oh my God, I remember that. Okay, and you had to get, you know, who does that happen to? Lee, who does that? It doesn't happen to me.

That you go to a fucking gig, you do a great job, you spent the night, you wake up the next morning, you go to the fucking elevator, you go, oops, your keys go down that one little crack. That crack. And I heard they held for like a minute. Yeah. I heard they held by the time you went down.

No, no, I could see them. I could see them going down as they hit the light of every elevator. So I saw them and I could see them down at the bottom and I'm just like, ah, I got hit by a kid who was coming in from the swimming pool. Okay, and I had the keys in my hand and I got hit by that little girl

and on my hand and boom, they just right in the middle. It took two years, but the Hilton there or the Marriott, whatever it is, they gave me my keys back. But luckily I had an extra key in the car. So all I had to do was get it over. And it was Saturday and they couldn't get an elevator. Yeah, no. It was a thousand fucking by the ways.

Yeah. And that's why I tell everybody like young comics, like the other day I bumped a song dude when I was at my family and on the way out he goes, ah, you know, I've seen you at the comedy store. I just got into it. I've been doing it a year. He goes, what is it?

What is it? Can you tell me? And I go, time. Yeah. Time and mileage. If you do eight fucking open mics tonight, I guarantee you 20 fucking years from now you'll fucking get paid

because that effort will not be fucking gone unnoticed. Trust me when I'm telling you. You'll know too. You'll know. Sometimes they give you a check. You look at it and you go, that's for that fucking time. I finger bang that Indian chicken.

24 was either on a triple run. Yeah. Triple run would send you all these fucking things. That sounds like fun though. Why are you getting paid? You know what bro? Triple runs, Lee, if I had the time, I would take you on a two week triple run

and hire you as the chauffeur. Just so you see. You know what? I would tap by the third night. No, I love it. I would love it. You know what's great is I can do them now. I did one basically earlier this,

or last year, but I did it in a bus. You do them a lot. Yeah, but it was a bus. It was great. It was great. I guarantee I wouldn't quit. I mean, Lee, this is. But you're in a car and you're driving 12 hours.

12, Lee. And then you're driving, and then the next day you got to get up and drive another 12 hours. And then the next day you drive another 12 hours. And then the last day you drive an hour. And then the Thursday you, and you've crisscrossed where you're going to be.

And then you have to come back to that area. Yeah, you're in Wenatchee. It's crazy, Lee. And then you're in Missoula. And then you're in Yakima. But Yakima and Wenatchee are only like 80 miles apart. Right, they're in Washington. Yeah, yeah.

In Montana. In fucking Montana. Lee, it's fucking crazy. Then you got to go to Lewiston. And then you got to go over to fucking Oregon. And you're in fucking Coos Bay. And then the next day you're in Spokane. You're like, I drove through Spokane five fucking times.

Coos Bay. I forgot all about Coos Bay, Oregon. Man, how good is the fucking crab meat there? Jesus Christ. No, no, no. Lee, I started one from Houston. That took us into somewhere in Idaho. And then we got up the next morning.

Because there's some days you drive eight hours. There's something because you got to remember, we got to do a show. So I get off stage at 11. 1130. You got to have a drink. They pay you. You got to talk shit.

These people don't see civilization. They don't see anybody. You're the biggest thing that's coming to that town. Since fucking the guy who shot the president came in there. Since Steve Prefonte. Yeah. Coos Bay. No, no, no.

It is crazy, Lee. And God forbid if you do radio. You usually go to some college station and you do radio in those towns. They'll come out. You really live in California? What's that like? So you got to talk to them, Lee. So we're getting back to the room at 1130.

We're up at fucking 7. Driving 10 hours to 5. 5.30. Get to the hotel. Take a shower. Eat. Do the fucking show. Go right back to bed and fucking do it all over again.

Hopefully we catch a six hour drive. But Friday you catch like a 10. And then if you're lucky it's the same place, maybe an hour. But don't bet on it. Some nights you got to fucking drive all night. Yeah. Yeah. Coz you got to beat snow.

You got to beat the snow. You got to beat the fucking snow. And now you got to drive back all Saturday night after you've done all that driving. How did you do it, Joey, without the GPS? Can you read a map? Yeah, motherfucker. This was 1995, Lee. You bought a map.

You had a 50 state map. Yeah. Okay. At that time my vision was a lot better than what it is now. I tapped that once I moved to LA. LA had a different thing. Thompson guy. Thompson guy.

Thompson guy. That confused the shit out of me. I'm no fucking Phi Beta Kappa here. I'm okay with maps because I was a boy scout for three or four days. Okay. I was a We Blow four or five days. Yeah. I was one of those assholes for four or five days.

So something about Miami, I learned how to read maps. So when I got into the triple runs, you had to get the state and drive it out and then go to that page and put like a fucking paperclip on that page and your page and get the connector. And then I would circle that and then I would get the directions from them also. They also sent you directions. Yeah. They would also send you the night of your gig and how are you going to get there? So to the next gig.

So how you got there? Let's say your week started Tuesday through Saturday. That's five nights. How you got to Wenatchee, Washington, that's your department. That's your problem. Once you get to Wenatchee, Tuesday night, you're going to go to the place, the Palm Springs of Washington. You've just said it before, Yakima, Washington.

And then you're probably going to go to Missoula on fucking now people like Donna Richards in those days and the other lady, they had runs, but their runs were like four hours in between. Right. That's not bad. Four or five hours. Yeah. No, that's not bad at all.

No, those other ones, those triple runs, they were a 12 hour run kid. And like what happens with weather construction? Fuck you. Let's pretend, let's pretend that there's a gig and it's seven hours and it's me and Ralph and we're pretty legit with each other and we hear there's going to be snow. Guys like me and Ralph, you go, you know what time it is. No doves and Mountain Dew. Yeah.

Might as well. No doze and Mountain Dew. Pack the car, pack the fucking car and right from the stage, we get right in the car. The hotel knows we're coming with comedians and we'll get there as the snow starts. Yeah. By the time we're getting to that city, the snow start getting hit. We're catching it as we're driving at night. Yeah.

There's different strategies to it. It sounds silly, but how would you find the weather out at that point was I was at the TV radio. They had the radio for all over the country. But we also read the paper, you know, that's, I still do that. I still like reading the newspaper and it's like nobody does it anymore. Nobody does it. I don't read the LA paper.

I'm not going to lie to you. No, it's kind of. Every once in a while, I pay the 250 for the New York Post at the airport. I rip it off because it's a federal charge. Yeah. You know what I mean? I want to be locked up next to fucking what's his name for a week so I get some info out of them.

Maybe we'll call into the podcast. You know what I'm saying? Fucking El Chapo. Somebody. You don't even know what you got to bump into. So funny. I wish my memory was clearer of those times. Well, there's maybe like three or four prisoners, maybe five that I did time with that I remember

that from time to time, they name will pop up and I'll look them up on Facebook. One kid I found his son and we communicated for a while. I don't know what happened there and the rest of the guys, like I remember Archie. He's a black dude. That was like from Indiana. I did time with him. He was cool. It was fuck.

Spencer Antoine. I looked up first of all from 50, Spencer's got to be fucking 80 because when I was 25, he was 55. Wow. Right. So I was doing time when I was 25, but I love to reconnect with him and just talk some shit. All the dudes in the age unit, they got to be dead. That was 87.

That was way before the medication and they weren't looking too good then. There was a black dude in the age unit that they thought he was going to die before, you know, way, but he made it. But at the time I got out, I got out of the halfway house. He was still there. When I worked with Katie Segal on Superior Donuts, I felt like pulling her over and going, you don't understand how many times I watch you in the age unit that fucking show Marry with Children on Sunday nights.

Oh yeah. Dr. Food from the visitations and we fucking watched Marry with Children like eight prisoners and the dudes who had the aids, they wouldn't leave their bedroom. They would stay in their bedroom, but they were cool with shit with them, bro. We would knock on their door and make them come out and eat. We used to have tons of food, man. Is that me? It's not me.

No, it's not me. My phone's off. I'll turn mine off. Maybe it was mine. I don't know. It's kind of weird the characters I met when I was locked up. Yeah, man. It's kind of, even when I was in rehab, I went to this Puerto Rican rehab in Boulder like

it was. It was such a scam. Dude, you should have gone to my rehab. Man, my rehab was nice, doc. No, no. This was nice. Listen, this one, you paid them the money and they just went to you. Oh, no.

They were like with this one. No, this one had you chanting. You could stay here for 22 years. Ain't nothing got to change. They told you that going in. Massages and stuff. Yeah, just give us the envelope. We'll run it to the court and we'll let you blast off whenever you want.

Just show up, be early for the meeting. That wasn't mine, man. It was not mine. They worked on your heart over there. How long did you stay in rehab? Two days. No, I wish. You know, I was out of there two days.

I would have been out of there, but my wife was like, you're not coming to my house. Okay. And I'm like, what the fuck? And they gave me an ad event that I'd never taken that shit before and I woke up 24 hours later. Okay. 24 hours the whole day later in my own piss. Okay.

Go on. I just pissed myself. What the fuck did y'all give me? I do. I just smoke weed. I wouldn't. I was taking some pills, but I wasn't taking that motherfucker. All right.

I swear to God. Oh my God. What do you recommend? I've been taking names. Tell me the story. They had you running the airport like OJ Simpson. Oh my God. It sucks so bad.

They got that. And it's like, you know, as mad as my wife was, she's like, she's like, hey, he's got to get out the urn. Okay. So it was rehab, rehab. I'm out. Okay. I'm out and about to come back and maybe take piss test.

There's nothing in it again. I'm like, I told y'all, what the fuck? Just let's just go. But it was good to get my head right. How many? How many? How long did you stay at rehab? 34 days.

That's nice. Yeah. It was great. I ran it out to the insurance said, fuck it. We're out. Insurance build it? Yeah. They paid for the whole thing?

Almost of it. It still cost me like 60 grand. When you went to the rehab, did it help you? You know what? It didn't. I didn't have, I wasn't addicted to drugs. I was going to be because I had PTSD. And I would have been.

I really did. Why are you laughing at PTSD? Because he's a coxsucker. That's why he loves to torture me. I'm just trying to think what he's got PTSD. I was there on many occasions. Was it the fall on Gardner? No, no, no, no.

Coxsucker. I'll be made. Get up. They're thinking they're going to fuck you. Was it the time we found the hooker? I mean, there was a lot of situations when you could have gotten PTSD. That's all I'm saying. No, no, no.

It was when I almost died in Tampa. But you were fucking such a dick. I know. Put the sandwich down. That's what it means for Ralphie Mae. You told me that joke one time. You go, you got PTSD. I mean, put the sandwich down.

Coxsucker. That's the problem you got. But I would have been addicted. I would have been. I ain't no doubt about it. And I got, I got, I'm on Lexapro and Lomicto now. And man, I feel phenomenal. I feel phenomenal.

I'm not fucking bad about nothing. You should, you should be like a wrap on the commercials for them. Man, I got a shave club. I can do it all day. What's Lexapro for? It's anti-depressant. And what do you, does your dick still get hardened? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. There's got to be a, by the way, something like that. No, no, no. With the Lomicto, my cums are like twice what they used to be. Okay. It's, it's, it makes your fucking semen load twice as much. All right.

Which means my nuts get a little sore. So I got to fucking drop a batch. I'm pretty regular. Okay. But man, it's like more volume than it's like a fucking wet sock or a ladle of pancake batter up against the wall. It's like, it's like, it's like stymie when he got hot with all the ink. I'm over here laughing because there was a two other times when Ralph got PTSD when

I was there. Two hundred? Two other times. Not two hundred. The one time he, so he got up yelling and his head went into the light bulb and it burned his top. That's not PTSD. That was hilarious.

And sleeping next to Jodi for when she's passed out and you want a finger on the death. And you got to sit there for an hour. You can't. You can't. Wacking off in your pants. Oh my God. That'll give you PTSD. Me and Ralph, we would play fucking drink a pool with Jodi.

And we'd sit there praying for her to just take her clothes off and blow a ball. Oh my God. It was time. Oh my God. Fucking crazy days, Lisa at 20 years of comedy in LA. Fucking fucked up building. It's so crazy, dude. You know, like I was at the store last night and like the new comics, they don't have a

lot of camaraderie. Like we do. Like the same guys that we used to roll with I saw last night and it was like, I haven't even though I haven't seen them in a year, it was like, I saw him last week. You know what I mean? Cause we were down so much, you know, I like Mike young. Okay. So Mike young.

It was good to see Mike. Yeah. Right. It was good to see Brody Stevens last night. No shit. Chris Delia had me dying. Dude, you had me dying with that fucking heart. He was doing something about Tupac that when Tupac was dying in Vegas, he was taking his

last couple of breaths to cop one up to him. I said, Tupac, quickly, please just give us something. Tell us who shot you. You saw who shot you and Tupac took a minute and gave the cop the finger. So he did this whole bit on how, you know, would he give the cop the finger? I mean, I'm saying if he got shot. So I was back there stone to the gills. I like Sunday nights at the store.

Me too. I like the all fucking nights. Yeah. There's no off nights at the store no more. Dude, it was, it was, I had this, I had this, dude, I had to sit on a stool. Yeah. On the doorman's stool to watch a show. So that was PTSD.

There's a couple of times you with me. No, it was just fucking me dying. It was me almost dying and not being able to breathe for 11 days and no sleep. It fucking broke you. You know, me, I couldn't sleep for nine days straight. I was in ICU. I had this thing breathing for me. I couldn't go to sleep.

And so they were sucking stuff out of my lungs and it was brutal. It was fucking brutal. And that's why like I can't sleep with on white sheets because it reminds me of the hospital. I have a really hard time sleeping because I don't want to. If I go to sleep, I think I'll die. All right. And so that's why I take the pills now and now I can sleep and I'm not crazy no more. Good.

Well, it's totally better. Did I tell you he came to one of my shows one time? Absolutely. He's so cool, man. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as smart as I. Somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. To learn.

That misery loves company. Wait and see. I mean, I want to be around. Real quick, two board tack. Phil P. Marchetti. Dominic Salas, you fucking savage. Lemon GF. Tony.

I can loud. Okay. Spooky. Andrew Wong. And my main motherfucker, Joe Abraham. You know what I'm saying? Hey, I got one. I got a fan, a buddy of mine.

His name is John Roberts. Listen to this guy. He's an Ojibwe Indian. Okay. On the Red River Reservation up in Northern Minnesota. He has, I think nine kids adopted and he's a stand up comic and he's a member of the church of what's happening now. Give him a shout out there.

Fuck yeah. Fuck. John Roberts, you're a fucking funny motherfucker. All right. And I worked with him. The guy's great. He's fucking phenomenal comic. Was that part of the fucking court agreement?

No, no, no, dude. The natives, they like me, man. I've raised a bunch of money for them. And I like, man, you know, I'm glad that thing happened. I didn't know how fucked the Indians were. Did you know how fucked they are? I didn't know that. I didn't know that.

I thought like after like the Trail of Tears, because I went to school in Arkansas, you know, but oh, this is what happened to the Indians. Okay. It's like after the Trail of Tears, I guess I thought everything just worked out. Raffy Mae, let me explain something to you. I grew up with a cast of characters that would say things to you and you would have to look at them and you wanted to question them. You know, you were way beyond the question because they were so real.

Yeah. You had 30 seconds to decide where this motherfucker was coming from. And they would say shit from Darren Rago to Timmy Hollow. Today, Timmy Holloway sent me a tweet. And one night, it's 1984. It's the height of cocaine. Everybody's doing it. Miami vices on.

You can't talk to a motherfucker. It's not snorting or smoking bazookas or whatever the fuck it is. And we're standing in front of cookies. I don't know if I can live. I can live to be 80. Now, Timmy's brother was my age. He was crazy, very funny and very low-key. You don't like no drama.

You don't like people with long hair. You know what I'm saying? He's one of those fucking dudes. I will never forget this. What about Rager? Who? Was it Rager? Rago.

Rago. Rago wasn't there that night. Rago at that time was in love. At that time, this was the cocaine crew. It was me, the Pelican, Stinky, and Ferney. No, Ferney was murking, but not really. He was mad at me. So that was the original three.

And then Timmy and then we had, you know, whatever. Blustery always tried to find a way to get a package. Lube's Venere was in the circle back then. I like Venere. He was the driver. We would always work for him and shit like that. What the fuck am I talking about here? What about Ralph Fufuso?

Ralph Fufuso. I grew up with Ralph Fufuso. He was a nice kid. He was a nice kid. He was a nice kid. He was a nice kid. He was a really nice kid. So we're standing in front of cookies.

It's a Saturday night. It's two in the fucking morning. And there's a commotion outside. We're inside. I'm sorry. And we go outside. And somebody yells at the guy. I'm standing there.

Roger, your brother's outside. Come on out. And Roger goes, what the fuck? So I walk out there with him. And Stinky walks out and somebody else. I don't know if you get what the little brother's going to say. He's like, I want to see what the hell he was doing. But the little brother left the car lights on.

He left the car on a double parked with the hazard lights. Yeah. I don't know. I forgot he bent on us. He said, Timmy, what's the circus in town? Go turn the fucking lights on. What's the circus in town? My point being that, you know, I grew up with people who would say shit to you.

And it's always something. Let me tell you something out for me. I love you to death because the last 20 years, you've made it cool for me to be alive. Like you've made it. You've made it this acceptable. Like when you used to go on the road and come back two weeks later. Yeah, I loved you because you've got me weed and shit like that. But I really love seeing it because I really missed you.

I figure without you, I'm at the store by myself. I'm fighting these motherfuckers. Dude, we were. We were. It was me and you. And that little fucking apartment. And it was just a crazy situation. That's where this began.

And I would tell you shit and we would giggle. And it's just weird that every time, you know, the hospital, the PTSD, the fucking, you know. Yeah, I was going to ask you, Alfie, how do you like survive 20 years? Like this should be like a plaque for you. All right. Yeah. Longest running friend. Okay.

First of all, build up a tolerance to that weed. Okay. All right. You got to be ever mine. Now, have you been a getaway driver yet? No. I'm not aware of anything. You haven't been a getaway driver yet?

I don't believe. I haven't. And Coco's not the same Coco he was. No. Okay. So and, and, and I mean, while you were, well, you get the Bolivian flu every once in a while, you never fucking brought it around me. No, I do little bumps in the bathroom.

Right. But, but nothing disrespectful. You know, like, like, like if, if, like when I first got here from Houston, if you'd put out coke right there, oh, I'd have died. All right. But you're always a gentleman. Always a gentleman about it. I wasn't even talking about that.

I was just talking about like him torturing you like mental. Oh my God. The tortures. Oh. Okay. All right. I hit, I broke my fucking hand. I hit a guy at the fucking air.

I mean, at the, at the post office because he pushed an old lady down and because she couldn't hear the Asian lady. She was an old Russian lady. All right. And he couldn't hear the next go net please. Okay. And so the Russian lady was standing there and this douchebag LA guy pushed her and she fucking snapped her fucking arm.

Oh my God. Yeah. Right in front of me. I hit the guy and it fucking broke my hand. Okay. And so I go home. I'm fucking talking calling Joey and I'm shook up man. I'm like, Coco is like a shark.

If he smells blood in the water, if you're upset about something, that's what he's going for. All right. So, so he called me up and go, get out of there. Get out of there right now. The police are coming right now. You knocked the guy out for, let's go out the back door. I'm outside at El Compadre.

All right. Go out the back door right now. All right. And I ran out the back door thinking like that and I didn't have my keys. So I could lock myself out of the back of gardener. So I had to walk all and I was, you know, you're fat. You're mad. Okay.

You're mad. Like now I got to walk around the goddamn front to get in there while I'm hiding thinking about doing a couple of down to Josh Wolf's house. Okay. You know what I do? What do I do? It's crazy how many getaway drivers I used that I had to cut a piece in and it's crazy how many getaway drivers I did something with until today they have no idea went down.

Yeah. I think I'm in that group maybe. No, no. Not like a getaway, but like a fast leaving. You have no idea. And I'm, and you know, what's crazy. Like I remember like four of them now, I don't remember the good ones when you come back bleeding and the people like, what's going to happen when you come back like, oh, Jay,

your hands are cut, your eyebrows out of fire, your shirts ripped and what the fuck were you? Oh, I had to go take my shirt out of the laundry. You fucking retarded. Are you fucking crazy? You're bleeding from your hand. It's gashing to death. Man, I tell you, oh my God, please.

And when I remember the funniest, one of the funniest mornings, we get up and have coffee at like nine o'clock and, and I was, I thought you were going to be at the house. I thought, you know, he's got a key. Just come in before I can lay down on the futon, go to bed, and maybe take a shower and go to sleep. All right. We didn't give a shit. All right.

And enjoy. He wasn't there. It was about 10 o'clock and I made breakfast and no cocoa. What happened? So I go over to Gavin Boyd's and there's, there's the, there's the king of the zombies having Bolivian flu like a motherfucker. And then, and then you're sitting up just to talk to me, trying and you smell like pussy and coke and booze.

Oh my God. Well, I mean, a lot of pussy, a lot of pussy, all right. And, and Gavin Boyd was like this and his little shit dogs ran up to you and pissed on your head. That little shit dog. Yeah. What a fucking asshole. They're both dead.

They're both dead now. Fuck them those ugly little fucks. Fuck them. He thought it was cute and shit. I know. It's such a dick move. Fucking crazy shit, man. Listen, this year's going to be 10 years since I haven't done that battle.

Dude, I know. This, this year's been dead. Yeah. 10 years since I haven't done fucking about it. It's so crazy. A couple of days after Marilyn died, a couple of fucking days after she died. I was like, you know what? I'm going to give her the breather.

She was so sweet. Yeah. Nobody even says anything anymore. Well, that's a killing. Nobody mentions Freddie Soto. Nobody mentions Mitch Mulaney. Nobody mentions Mitch Haber, except for the fucking Take His Jokes. Nobody remembers nobody.

You know, it's like, it's like they pay no respect and they'd never develop that type of friendship. Well, you know, people, listen, I was a kid. Who were the big people that died? Like Elvis died when I was fucking 13. That was crazy. That was a week of craziness in this country when Elvis died. But I still remember Freddie Prince shooting himself.

Wow. That was fucked up, man. Yeah. That was fucked up. A couple of months ago, I discussed Freddie Prince Jr. coming on the show and I just wanted to refresh my memory and I went on Wikipedia and Wikipedia that night. What I remember from that night was, bro, I was fucking young, Ralphie. I was young, but I was starting to not drink, but I was starting to smoke reefer and shit

like that, like, and I would smoke reefer and go uptown high and then I would eat pizza, at Blue Flame Pizza, which was the spot in those days. And after you ate the pizza in those days, you had about an hour and a half of giggles in you, then you'd go home. Right. You know, you had about an hour after you ate the pizza, you're vizined again after the pizza, then you're vizined again. The smell of pizza, if you put garlic on your pizza, that kills everything.

That kills the weed and stuff like that. So that was the fucking call when you got high in those days, you know. But I still remember going uptown and the way down, because on Fridays was Chico and the Man. Yeah. That was such a great show. And Samford and the Son. Which was the same show.

It was the same show. But Freddie was so goddamn more funnier than Lamont. Lamont sucked. All right. Like, I wanted Freddie to be Red Fox's son. All right. I would have been a hell of a show. I would have been a hell of a show.

And then have Shady Grady come in. Okay. I don't want this fucking crazy place. I know, man. Shady Grady. But I was out that night. I was out that night. In those days, I don't know what my curfew was.

Maybe 11. Like, it was a curfew, but not really a curfew. I'll never say. How old were you? Let's pretend 13. Jesus Christ. Maybe. Eighth grade.

Maybe 11, 10, 30, if I was lurking in the neighborhood, you know. Yeah. That type of shit. Because in those days, your call time was 10. But if you hung in front of the house, they let you hang till 11. Do you follow what I'm saying? Yeah. So don't get off that fucking stoop.

Don't make me look out this door and you're playing up the fucking corner through all the years out. If you're going to stay out till 11, I want you out on these fucking stairs. And that's what you did. So some people had, like, a loose schedule. You know what I'm saying? You got a little bit of a loose schedule. That time of the night, I found that Freddie Prince fucking iced himself.

I still remember the walk. I had to walk through a cemetery. That was the first time I cut through that cemetery because it takes, like, four miles off your walk from uptown to downtown. There's a back fucking road back there. And people would say, be careful because there was devil worshipers. But I walked back there, like, three kids. And I saw some people doing some santeria.

And they may believe they were going to chase us, but they didn't chase us. The other guys ran. I ran, like, for five minutes. I was tired. I'm like, fuck this. You jump in, like, by 64th Street. And you jump out by 51st Street. It was a tremendous little fucking...

But those gravesites were old dog. Like, there was a lot of gravesites there from 1860s. The concrete was broken. The headstone was already broken and shit. You would die. Man, what are you going to do? Time flies. You know, it's like comedy has so many people that it just are gone.

You know what I mean? And, like, over the 20 years, the cast of characters, like, that we knew that were, like, really good. And, like, where are they now? You know, that, like, are no longer even in comedy. It's crazy. Last night, I was standing where you were standing. Last night, I got to the thing. I saw Crystal Lee.

I gave him a hug. Chris Spencer was up on stage. And I walked into the... That guy's so funny. Yeah, I walked in. I gave the Chinese kid a hug and hold it. Fung. Fung.

Whatever his name is. Yeah, he's my man. That cool motherfucker. Dude, I got an offer to go to do a bunch of gigs in China. And I'm going to bring Fung. Fung's a funny dude, man. He's a funny dude. And it's like, that guy's got heart.

I mean, he's got mouth to feet, too. Yeah. Yeah, he's got mouth to feet. But I went out. I gave him a hug. I said hello to the window girl. And I went out in the hallway where you walk in. And I lay it against the wall.

And there was nowhere to sit. I listened to Crystal Lee. Yeah. And I started looking at the pictures. Lee. I saw three people there that I was super tight with. That have vanished from my life. I couldn't tell you where they are.

What happened to them. It was crazy how many people were on that wall. I was like, wow. They used to be here every night. Yeah. They were doing this. They were doing that. They just disappeared.

I just did a show at Connecticut, Mohican Sun. And Beaumont Bacon showed up. Get the fuck out of here. Gave me a big hug. I gave her a big hug. Told her I loved her. Told her I was dead at night. She rocked the main room.

Man, I saw that. That pissed a lot of people off. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no. She fucking rocked that spot. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. I was there that night. So it's just crazy that you look at these people and you go fuck. I got a spot at 10.30 at the store.

How lucky am I? 20 years later, I'm still doing a Sunday night spot at the fucking store. And now the difference between 20 years and now is that 20 years ago, this room would have been 60 people. Less. And a great room. Don't get me wrong. Yeah.

It would have been a great educational room. But the time we'd get on, because we'd get bumped down, you know, first of all, you hear Andrews coming. Okay. And Eddie's coming. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. Nobody said, let me explain to you how the mind of Joey Diaz was.

Okay. Number one, at that time, I was an addict Lee. Let me explain some to you, Lee. You want to learn from the Jew? God put you in the bite, right? Jews hand. There was a way to make money at the store. There's a couple of angles to make money at the store.

You could get the main room, which I never got. Not because I didn't, uh, want it. Every morning to the wash, you gave me a Saturday night in there and that put an extra hundred buck, 15 in your pocket, but you didn't get rich in there. You didn't get rich in the OR. You get $15 a spot, but she cut me a deal one night. She goes, do you want to host? And she goes, how about you work the door from seven to 10?

I give you 25 bucks and then you host from 10 to close. I give you another 25 bucks. I go, that's great, but that's a lot of walking for 25 bucks. So I got an idea. I took Andrews phone number down. I took any griffin's number down and I took Joe Rogan's number down. Okay. And I took anybody who had bumping privileges numbered down, whether it was Paul Moody,

all of them Sunday afternoon, because listen, I can go to the store on Sunday. The guy who sold Coke worked the door. So guess how I worked it. I would get on stage, do my 10, put up Andrew, Eddie or Paul and that's an hour. Easy. I could go do a few bumps, have a few cocktails, get the party started and right before they get off I go to Don Barris and go, guess who the host is the rest of the night? Me.

And I give him the microphone and I'd be out of there by 11.15 with a package. I picked up this half a yard. I hosted. I did comedy. I did my job for the night. Yeah. Who's better than me? Sean.

That was my most favorite night at the store was Sunday nights because I'd host till 11.30. Dude, I used to love Sundays because we would, I'd always have cookouts behind the apartment. You know, even though I had a studio and it was, I mean, it was a murderous row of comedians at those fucking barbecues. All right. And you cook the turkey a four in the morning or something. So good though. Can you do something crazy like that?

Yeah. Yeah. One night we went over there and your buddy, I pulled, we pulled over and he was talking to a hooker. And then when he got back, he said he, it was a friend of his and shit. That's what there was a lot of hookers on. Yeah. Jesus Christ from Fairfax to La Brea a little bit down in those days.

Foxy white chicks. Lee, it was crazy. Foxy. You were pulled out. You didn't like some black girls and stab somebody? Till this day. Till this day after 10 o'clock, what a lot of people don't know, and if you do it, there's a cop there.

They'll nail you. Oh yeah. Fuck you. They will. My gardener. Yeah. My curse sign. It's where it starts.

It's where it starts. If you make a left. All right. If you head to the comedy store and you make a left before Fairfax and there's a cop there, you will get pulled over though. You got a ticket dude. It's like 200 something dollar ticket. If you make a left on those streets.

I did that because me too. Me too. Because I was fucking going to see Doug and he turned around. So I fucking turned down curse song like you would to go to Doug's apartment and motherfucker. It's like boom. We pull over and then he's laughing at me. He walks the two blocks down to his fucking apartment and we're just at the coaching horses and he was just shitty and just wanted to ride.

Mother fucker. You want me to tell you how they got me? How they get you? This is a classic Joey Diaz 2005 Coke story. I forgot all about that you're going to love. Okay. I hate me. So I go out.

You know me. You got some of them stars over there. You know me. In those days I used to go out early. Uh huh. I did. I didn't get my party started. 7.30.

There'd be two parties. That's how you had to do it in those days. There'd be two. I had to pick up an envelope for the morning envelope for the night. There was always something, a cell phone, a pocket book. There was always something at the company store. So it's like a Monday nightly. I get a package.

My wife is home. She's my girlfriend at the time. I'm living with her on Schrader. And I got a package. I go home. The package is okay. But for some reason that Monday night the Coke wasn't sticking. It wasn't getting me in the light of.

So I called a few people to pick up a package. Jesus Christ. There's no package. There's nowhere. This guy's sleeping. This guy's doing this. This guy's doing that. Finally I go, oh, I know he's got a fucking package.

And for some reason I did the same thing. I passed the guy's house and I went to make a U-turn and I figured I'd pull him to 7-Eleven and they fucking nailed me down the corner. And no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They didn't even nail me down the corner. They pulled me over right in the 7-Eleven dog. How about that one for you? They pulled me over right when I saw them.

I pulled them to the 7-Eleven to make believe like I had just fucked up. They walked right in there and said, can we talk to you for a second? I go, listen, you just broke the table. Why? I was coming in here to get water and something else and I'm coming down on the blow. I'm on the tail end, but I'm manageable, but I'm still a little on the fucking coca heads. I'm talking to these two cops and they go, all right, do us a favor and show us ID.

I got no ID. This is Terry Clark's car. I'm on sunset. It's one of the morning. I got 60 bucks for the coke man up the corner and that's all I need. Just let me go right now and I'll never make a left turn ever again, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, right?

Right forever. Right forever. You'll never see me in this neighborhood late night again. And I fucking start talking to the guy and he goes, I'm sorry, bro, I told you to call and I got to throw you in jail and somebody has to come and get you and all of a sudden a drunk dude walks over and he goes, Joey Diaz. Oh shit. And he gives me a hug.

I don't have the handcuffs on yet. And the cop looks at me and goes, you know him, he goes, fuck yeah, that's Joey Diaz, the longest shirt. Both cops looking at me and they go, how you doing, buddy? Let's start talking to me now. I go, what's going on? And I go, listen, I just left the house. I just went to 7-Eleven just to get what I was dying.

Something was going on and I'm like, all right. Let's go straight home. Don't let us catch you driving without your license. I went right to Martel, I fucking shot the left, I pick up a gram and I went home and I never made a fucking left turn again on fucking sunset. No, never. Fuck it. They were going to tow my fucking car and everything.

They do that on Melrose too, Jack. Melrose, you can't turn after 11 on some parts. Really? Yeah. I think Santa Monica too. Like not Stanley, but on the other side of Fairfax. Those houses back there, those gates, they're like, nah, you don't bring your party back here.

All right, you want to turn a trick and suck cock in the fucking bathroom? Go for it. Abbey's down the block. You know what I mean? That's how they get in there, you know? They go get the taste of dick out of their mouth with that Brazilian food next door, that Bossa Nova. Okay?

When I first moved here, I don't know where it is now. I don't really know where it is, but it was on Santa Monica, it was all Santa Monica. When I first lived here, I lived at the strip or the trailer, and for a while I would stay with Doug, and then for a while I would stay with her, and you'd have to move the trailer around. And we lived next to a park that, if you went there in the daytime, like if I can remember where it was, it was Hollywood. It was right around Beverly and maybe Curson or something like that, and it's probably

a fucking building now. Yeah. The time was this little park, and in the daytime they had benches and you could walk up the stairs, and they had like a little swing area, dog at fucking three in the morning. That place would turn into sex center on those days. So I would be sleeping with Carol in the fucking trailer, and you could hear the men. This is 1997, guys, and they were fucking right outside, like male workers, I guess they were.

You could hear them having sex right outside. Doug, that shit lasted like three nights for me, and like I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep at night. Yeah, let's see how can you sleep with that noise. I couldn't sleep with that fucking noise. And there was no women out there, there was no guys and women, it was all, every time we looked out there, there was two men having sex, the one guy choking and the other one, it was, I just remembered this shit.

See, this is the shit that's fucking. Maybe you have PTSD. Huh? You fucking Lee. Oh my God, I got acid from that last fucking church. What's happening now? I know for a fact. That you can do right now.

God damn it, I'll go get the snake. Okay. Don't look at the yellow. All right. Let me tell you something. This party started, Lee. If you don't think I know, I got PTSD just for you. You do.

Without a doubt, you do. Without a doubt, you do. I can tell you, and I can tell you the. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I can tell you the. The multiple things. No, the one in particular, the one, the one that once me to this day was my godfather. These times I think about fucking paying a price to investigate and looking for my godfather,

it's like eliminating handsome for all. He was a fucking, at the end dog, it was ugly, and he was relentless. He was relentless, Ralphie. You know, I would, I would, when I left North Bergen, it was December of 84. And I would keep in touch with three or four buddies. And dog, I would hear shit from them. That I could have called bullshit.

Or I could have believed. And then Lee is late, I smartened up and I go, why would they fucking be talking this shit? And then I had another friend, my first daughter, Jackie, her godparents, the father, the godfather, Pete. He was a fucking serious white dude that I grew up with. Pete was Italian, no Irish, no none of that mafia shit. Pete was a serious fucking white dude that knew his shit.

Before I made any moves in those days, I go to Pete. If Pete goes to the cops today, Pete could throw me in jail for 30 fucking years. From 1980 to 1985, I told Pete everything I did. Whether he agreed with it or not, whether he was a close friend of ours or not, I told, because I always had to have somebody, I was 100% honest with it.

Yeah, I've been that guy for a long time. Yeah, no matter what you came to me in those days and said to me, like if you came to me in those days and said, Joey, tell me that you didn't rob the company still. Yes, I fucking did. I was that guy. Like if anybody else asked me, I'd go, no. Man, that was weird.

You had a hooded sweatshirt like yours. No, no, no, no, no, no. That seems like a liability to me, doesn't it? What's that, buddy? Telling somebody? You gotta burn your heart. Listen, bro, if you want. You had no judgments.

That's what real friends are. You did? In those days, you have people that they come up to you. Listen, man, if you don't want the answer, don't ask the fucking question. Right, that's true. But, okay, when I was 14, I got one of the greatest lessons in my life

and it stuck with me. His name was Jimmy Bendis senior. He once told me something that fucking just stuck with me. Like I started hanging out with him and swimming in this pool. I was friends with his son. And when I went to the track and he goes, listen, if you tell me the truth, I got your back. But if you lie to me, I can't help you.

And that always stuck with me. I always remembered what that was intended for. And then years later, I saw him kick a junkie in the stomach and drag him out and say the guy was gonna die in his house. So I know he meant business to understand me. But at the same time, the way I was growing up in those days,

my friends were gonna take heed for me. Okay, like let's pretend, let's just throw some names out here, cause we know. Let's pretend Ari was a, Ari Shafir, who's Ari today. People like Ari. Ari's a great guy. Yeah. Let's pretend I robbed a kilo from Ari.

All right. Like Joe Diaz today, robbed a kilo from Ari. And Ari had two guys working for him. Steve Runizese and somebody else. Whose balls they gonna bust every day? They're gonna bust Ralphie's balls. They're gonna bust Lee's balls. Like where's Joey?

Have you ever heard from Doug Joey? When we see him, we're gonna break his fucking head. You know, guess what? You're gonna hear from those. Every time you go out, Lee, and you see those guys gonna come up to you and go, you ever hear from your pal? What you mean to tell me is you never heard from your pal?

No, you're full of shit, Lee. You're a piece of shit, you fuck. Get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit. How long can you tolerate that for? Before you say, you know, I know where he is. Well, to be honest with you, Lee, if I lied to you, you're not gonna take that from me no more, in my mind. If you're a good friend, why fuck it up with a lie?

If he's not a friend, who the fuck is he to fucking fuck him? But if they're a good, good, good, solid friend, and you come to me and you go, Joey, I wanna ask you, but I don't. And I already know what you wanna know. I'll tell you. Yeah. I had to.

Whatever. And you'll look at me and go, Jesus Christ. All right, we'll fix it, you know. That's the difference. Like, then I saw Ralphie walking across the street from the Japanese place and they called the cops on me at the fucking Dublin. I saw Ralphie and I looked him straight.

He's like, I gotta showcase for CBS. Yeah, later. Push it back. Tell him that you're not doing this season. The biggest break of his career. Yeah, it would have been. Go get the fucking, go get the fucking, go get the fucking Voyager, the forerunner.

Yeah, I got the forerunner. That's me and the forerunner, don't I? My nephew has it now. Are you serious? Fuck yeah. It's fucking great. Still running. 300,000.

400 and something thousand thousand thousand. I totally. 400, Toyota, are you listening to me? I had a forerunner that I was a comedian in 1996, okay? Toyota forerunner. It's 21 years old. It's got over about a half a million miles on it. And it's still going, Jack.

Still going. You don't even see those anymore. No, no, my nephew had it repainted because I had shined it up so much that I created swirls in it from shining it so much with the fucking not the right stuff. And so he had it painted and it fucking looks great. Takes it to the Razorback Games.

He's happy as shit. He's got a little boy, he's one. He's fucking, it's like that car, you know, the fucking whistling, it would bang his wife in and fucking leave condom wrappers all over the place. Oh, God, Jesus. All right, you know, that same car, my nephew's got it. But when I, and I had a good parking spot too, man.

Good parking spot. And I was gonna rock right in and I had a showcase with CBS. They were all up my ass. And you're like, Ralphie, go get the fucking car. And I'm like, this is serious. Okay, and I was halfway in the middle of the street and I'm so fat that I can only wear warm-ups.

So I'm always trying to fuck. Everybody thought I was trying to be black but this is the only thing that fit. All right, then I afforded, I got them for free. You got it, it was a big daddy. Big daddy. We all wore big daddy. I told me, leave for a year and a half, that's all I wore.

Without a doubt. I just wore their outfits. I just watched. Everywhere. I wore it everywhere. Why were they giving you for your outfits? Because they gave it to Ralphie first. And then I got everybody out.

Everybody was fat. I got everybody and I could. Sweats, shirts, t-shirts, sweats, shorts. They were super high quality. Super high quality. I had that shit for years. They gave me a big daddy jersey that I wore once a week for fucking three years.

They gave me a big daddy Dallas Cowboy shirt. Wow. Like I said, big daddy, but blue. Yeah, right. Cowboy and silver stripes. Oh yeah. I hooked up somewhere and left them and I hooked up in Beaumont or something like that.

I had some great big daddy stuff. Man, I still got it. I'm still got it, yeah. And you know what? It's still some of my favorite shit to wear. I fucking love that shit. It's great. What has happened to them?

They sold it. I don't know what happened to them. They were so good to them. I was so many of them. They got into the movies because they gave it to the black comic and how he got it into the movies was Barbershop. The first Barbershop, he wore big daddy on that.

So he was their first big client. They had other people. I wore it on TV, all over the place. I tried to wear it on the big best damn sports show. I really did too. They were good people. Yeah, they were great. They were good with some Philly.

Yeah, and I did that. I wore them and I got big daddy to sponsor a bunch of, I was doing those low rider magazine car shows around the country and I got them to sponsor that. So I was getting my airfare paid, okay? Wearing big daddy all these places and they were selling out. I put them in my video when I went to Iraq.

I wore big daddy, all right? And it was phenomenal. They make shirts that can breathe so much. It was 135 degrees and my titties didn't smell like vinegar. You know what I mean? That's pretty fucking impressive. That's pretty fucking, it was great shit.

I probably had big daddy clothing lurking till about 2008. When I moved out of Hollywood, that was the end of the big daddy. I had a couple of t-shirts. I had a few sweat jackets or whatever. I didn't even know if they were around anymore. Nobody had them. I couldn't wear sweats anymore.

The mafia thing was over with. There was no reason to wear sweats anymore so that was the end of the hell. I didn't even know what happened to the rest of that shit. They were great people. Yeah, so nice. They helped us till around doing something. See, in those days,

a lot of people would start those companies. They would blow up and then they'd sell them. Yeah. And then somebody else would pick them up. They'd absorb it up, yeah. And they'd pick them up and buy three or four t-shirt companies and now combine them and do something.

Have you gotten in contact with this Winston company? No. He's a designer. He's an actor. He's a fat actor. And he sent me a link to it. Dude, I just got this shit. It's fucking amazing.

Every bit of it is fucking phenomenal. I'll get you hooked into it. Man, flavor, it's so great. It's like really super high quality stuff that I can't find anywhere else. I shop all over this. Yeah. Texas is the game.

If you're a fat dude, you gotta go to Texas. Lord Jesus, son. The only place you can go. Man. And you know what, man, it's such a shame because like I explained on stage last week. And Texas, if I'm a two X here in Texas, I'm an extra large.

Right. So if I buy clothes in Texas and I got extra large, I go, Jesus Christ, I lost weight. You feel good about yourself. Time to eat. Time to eat. They don't fuck around. They switch the labels on you.

So you go to Texas, you buy a three X, you're swimming like a fucking thing. You're like, what happened to this? I could use this in three X. No, because they make the clothes bigger and that way they make them smaller. Get a two X in LA. I guarantee you walk into any Walmart in LA,

you don't fit in two X. Walk into a fucking Houston. Yeah. You'll be swimming in a one X. You go, Jesus Christ, I lost weight. No, they make the clothes bigger. So every of those marshals, all that shit if you're a two X like me becomes fair fucking game now.

If I usually walk into marshals, there's no clothing for me. But in Texas, marshals has clothing for Uncle Joey and shit. Don't move. Don't move, don't move. It's despite, is the bed be right there? No, no. I'm not.

It's like, God damn it. Leave it alone, don't mess with it. Come on, man, that's the joke. Don't mess with it, leave it alone. That's what we did. You see his face? I did. It was great.

You're not gonna mess with me. It was great. It's gonna be a great one. People are gonna go, they're gonna make gifts of this. Yeah, you're a star. Oh, you have a star. No, thank you. No, no, you want to-

Here, you eat this one. Yeah, yeah. Eat this one. Yeah, eat a double. That's a double. Come on, eat a double. No, you got a single. You're not eating a double, just eat a single.

I ate one, too. Don't worry about nothing. Fuck, give me the malloc. It's fucked already. Will you perform in the next few weeks, my brother? Uh, Harrah's Las Vegas. How long? Um, this Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 10 o'clock.

And then next Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 10 o'clock. And then I'm in San Antonio at LOL. And I can't remember. That's like the next three weeks. But like I'm gonna be also coming back here. Uh, next Sunday and Monday and Tuesday. Hang out with my kids and do some meetings. And then the next week is Father's Day,

so I'm gonna be around. Maybe, I don't know, maybe you and your family, maybe Sunday dinner someplace. You know, we maybe go back to that Italian place I told you about. Like it's old school Italian. That Tony's Bella Italiano on Mongolia. Mongo Blvd. That's where he goes to eat and shit like that.

That's where I'm going to stay for now. What? Oh my God. Mongo. I'm happy you're doing well, Ralphie. I'm happy, you know, before the podcast, and I know a lot of people listen to this podcast, you've been divorced or separated.

And you know, while it's happening, you think it's the end of the world. Right. And it's a pain that doesn't go away for three years. And either the attorneys could keep it going, or like with me, I just squashed it. I said one day, you know what, man, I want to do comedy.

That's it. I just want to do fucking comedy. You know what, I came to the conclusion, I was fighting for a never ending war, because at the end, I couldn't cover the spread, whatever your fucking name is. Ralphie. Ralphie.

I'm stoned too. Oh no, baby. I couldn't cover the spread, Ralphie. And that was the worst feeling in the world, you know? But also the best feeling in the world. When I moved back to, when I left living with George, when he was junked up, and his grandma, and I was having a great time,

and I was really learning comedy, I saw like was on all that night at two in the morning, and I had figured it out. I got to move somewhere where I could do a lot of open mics, take my time, just get time, and I could do something with this fucking comedy shit. I've been doing it in New York, it's been working men's and men's anywhere I go,

it's always been receptive, come back, so I'm on to something. I don't know what it is, and the one time I play the flute, I don't know what it is, but I'm going to stick this out. I got no money, I got a little job, I eat from week to week. Why not have a good time my way? Every night, through comedy, I bump into somebody, they give me a pill, we do a bump,

I drink two cocktails because they give me two drink tickets. I'm having the time of my fucking life. I wanted a family, I wanted to be married, I thought that's what I wanted. Once I got on that stage and I got hooked, it was all over but the shouting. I walk in one day, she says she doesn't want to be married no more. It was like God said, here you go, cock sucker,

this is what you want, you fucking lunatic. And I went for it Ralph, who gave us a fuck? And that's what we're enjoying right now. We're enjoying those triple runs that we did. You did those other runs, that doodle. CW Kindle. CW Kindle, I told him to suck my dick. Because he used to give you a long week.

Then the week before the gig, he cut it down to two days. But it was like Wednesday and Saturday. And then fucking 12 hours apart, you had to put yourself up for two days. It was fucking crazy people. You know what you would do is, you would stay in your car Lee and sleep in your car until like 2.30, 3 o'clock. And then take the hotel room and you would stay there at that one for a full 24 hours.

Which basically meant you got two days for the one day. Because you went there early, you just stayed in your car. You stayed up or you slept in your car, that's what I would do. And then you get free breakfast. I'd fuck them up on the free breakfast. Oh my God. I'd make BLT's left and right because I stole a fucking pound of bacon. You think I'm lying to you?

I ain't lying. Not one bit. BLT's fruit. But fuck you on the cantaloupe. I don't like that. All right. And stay in there. And then they had an afternoon thing and then get them in the morning.

Fucking eat up a bunch and then go do it. So you only had to do one night actually pay for it. But you'd go pick a town to do a spot in. Like Dallas or Oklahoma City, Denver, Austin. You'd fuck around and find something to do. And then pick up like 50 bucks or something. Might cover a hotel room. Might not.

You might not. I worked for Shirley Bynum too. Out of there. She was great. But man, those triple runs. Fucking bananas. Fucking bananas. Oh man.

And I remember one time he booked me a headline. And he also booked Chris Alpine to headline. And Chris Alpine was so mad. Okay. He was like, I want to go up last. And I'm like, well, Chris Alpine, I'm a filthy, dirty motherfucker. And if it means for a second, this guy's not going to pay me a headline pay. Fuck you.

You won't be able to follow me. And he went up and I didn't give a shit. I didn't stand there to listen. And I got all mad about that. And I just, he was all clean. And I just went up and just trashed him for the first 15, 20 minutes. Oh God, Trivel got lit up on that one. And then like Chris Alpine's manager was another woman that booked gigs up there.

Pat Wilson. Pat Wilson. And she blackballed me because I was dirty. Okay. Pat Wilson. Yeah, she blackballed me because she managed to Chris Alpine and he got blowed out. And then one time people, the people that were talking about Pat Wilson and They were big figures in our life, man.

At one time, we would call these people every Monday and beg them for work. And if they sent us to Mars, we would take the mission. It's a crazy thing to sit here and laugh and think about those times. Man, you were the king of the grand. You know, you call Paul Reed on Monday afternoon. I don't know how to mix and match. Look, I figured it out. I figured it out when I started selling screws on my bar.

I would have to be there at five in the morning. I would basically leave the store and park my car in those days and jerk off and go into this place at five and I would start fucking emailing the facts and people. Roger Paul. Yeah. The buffalo funny bone. Fuck yeah. Miami improv.

Yeah. Do you have no fucking idea, my friend? Yeah. The Birmingham, Alabama club. Oh, yeah. Start up. Used to laptop in the spot. Yeah.

I didn't give a fuck. Comedy showcase. How many people would call me back? Lee's zero. Zero. But every Monday he's. They got a year beating. They got a fax.

Uncle Joey every Monday. Yeah. Here's my vales. Coming around. And if you left them wide open, you wouldn't get booked. So you'd have to put in where you kind of wanted to be. Okay. Like this is booked like this and you knew these dates were kind of close.

So you'd call them and back and go, Hey, I got this. Let me have it. All right. You know, you'd, you'd manage it. You know, you, you ready to work the angles. If you, if you went into comedy like, Oh, I'm a nice guy and I'm going to send a headshot and a tape of VHS. They wouldn't give a fuck.

Okay. You had to be something different. You know, you had to be funny. Cause, and there was no fucking YouTube. No shit. It was VHS. They couldn't, they couldn't check your fucking. Yeah.

Yeah. Your webpage. Yeah. So you could tell them this. I'm going to be in Austin this week. Why don't you give me the week before that's right. Exactly. It was brilliant.

Yeah. Hey, it's an amazing thing to learn on your own. Then you hear that there's a Thursday in Beaumont and you're like fucking somebody. Hey, I'm going to be in town. All right. And you just set up and you start calling other comedians. It's like we, the internet was like just your fucking Rolodex. You know, you go, Hey, Dougie, where the fuck are you at?

Okay. Hey, give me a feature week cause I'm fucking co-headlining with, oh my God. What was that guy's name? God damn it. Fucking. He's Arkansas comic. It's crazy. It's crazy.

I forget. God damn it. And he was fucking bananas. That guy was so much fun or Captain Rowdy or something like that. You know, you see these guys and you're just like, wow, these are fucking boom. And now they're even gone. It's, it's, but it was all of like, Hey, I need help getting this date. And you'd, so you go, you know, if you wanted to be in the, uh, uh, as Zany's, you had to

tell people that you were doing, uh, creative gigs in the Southeast. You know, Hey, I'm going to be there. Give me a spot. All right. Boom. You know, Hey, kind of stay at your condo for extra. What an education it was as a feature act. Go from having a day job to booking gigs now for yourself and you're adding up all these

gigs. You're still not making anything close to what you're making. Yeah. But you'll accept it. You figure out a way to make it work. You know what that bedroom in the back of the office, that's only become a bedroom. I'm right. Yeah.

This is way before a B and B dog. Yeah. You went to the library and put a piece of paper up bedroom for rent, split the utilities and shit. And these guys, you learn how like from 93 and a half to 95, I learned how to become a comic jack on bare nothing. That car was going to fall apart at any time and for me to go on the road where I was going in those days, but every road gig I got something always happened.

Yeah. I met this fucking dude man in my life. That's why I sit there and I go someday I'm going to pass away and if there's a real fucking God or whatever they talk about, the people that I saw that helped me were angels that God sent when I was like, my head was a good direction, I just need a little bit of help. I met this white dude in Boulder, bro. Can't remember what his name is. You know me.

Ralphie May. He keeps me awake some nights because I wish I'd give him a big hug right now. I was going through a personal fucking hell. I was living in a one bedroom basement. I was starting to do comedy HBO. I'd use me to open up for Carlos Mincia and Jimmy Abedah in four different cities and it was the summer of maybe 94. I'm barely paying rent, snorting cocaine.

There was no car payment. The car looked like the car that they killed, Michael Corleone's wife and Godfather one. That doesn't look like the fucking back window was missing. It was about to fall. Man, they took their things, they carried them. Let me tell you something Ralphie. I was taking six hour drives on that fucking car. Pour out below.

The other day I sat there laying there, holy fuck the balls. What I was doing for $250 on those days. I was driving to Cheyenne, Wyoming or somewhere in Wyoming and when you get there, it's beautiful. When you get off stage, there's three feet of snow. Yeah. And you have to be from Cheyenne. You had to be in Bozeman or Jackson Hall. And you had to go through three feet of snow and so you knew it would take twice as much

time and if you're lucky, you'd find a guy shoveling and get behind him. So now you're going 25 miles an hour and so you just double the time so you don't sleep. You just take no-dos and drink Mountain Dew and get a Gatorade and piss in the Gatorade bottle. So about the night you get to 250 and you need every fucking dime of it. You got to take it home. Yeah. But on the way in, you walk in and it's beautiful.

You walk out and there's a foot of snow that's really coming down. You don't have the money to fucking get a hotel room and you don't want to take the chance to drive. I almost froze. Just shovel yourself out and go behind the supermarket and get a blanket. I used to have a blanket in that truck. Lee Syat. Man.

I didn't hear the line nobody. Lee Syat. I remember one time going, oh, I know you did. You had that Toyota. Yeah, man. That Toyota was a fucking bad dog. Yeah. Guys, I could tell you.

I slept in my car so much. A hundred times I slept in the car in fucking two years. Yeah. Easy. Easy. Easy being a comedian. No. And not giving a fuck.

No. You can wake up anywhere and get stabbed in the fucking neck, dog. Without a doubt. Oh my God. I would go behind hotels. Bro. I would go behind warehouses. I was falling asleep.

You have no idea when you're tired how your mind works. I was falling asleep at the wheel. Okay. And I'm at coast of Mount Shasta. Okay. There's scenic overlook. And I pull in there. Okay.

I go to sleep in the back of my truck. All right. It's like, it's like 50 degrees. All right. And I got my pistol and I'm in my sleeping bag. I wake up and there's eight inches of goddamn snow. And it's now like 16 degrees and I'm, I'm blue. My face is fucking blue.

All right. I don't know where the fuck, I don't know how to get out of there. The road is completely fucked. All right. And I've still, I've got to be in Wenatchee Washington. Okay. And, and 14 hours. Okay.

You know, and I've gotten, I don't know where the fucking road is. The roads are closed and not closed. Okay. Or, you know, and you have to cut through fucking white's pass. Okay. God damn fuck that white's pass. All right. You drive up and you're like 9,000 to 10,000 feet, something like that.

And, and it's, there's no weather at the bottom up there. It's a fucking blizzard. Okay. So you have to, you have to fight going to sleep because if like I, I had to shut my car off cause I'd get carbon monoxide poisoning. Okay. I had to say, I had a car dog that every time I got in it, I'd have to write a suicide note because the smoke would go into the fucking cockpit and I would get a headache after 20

minutes. I'd have to pull over, get out of the car, walk. I wish this was a joke. No. It would take me from Portland to Seattle, it's supposed to take you two hours. It would take me five hours because I had to stop every 20 minutes and get out of the fucking car. That's what I did for a hundred dollars in those days.

Yeah. And we'd drive to Seattle to a Mexican restaurant in Portland for Donna Richards and I would do the 125 dollar gig and drive back to fucking Seattle. You're crazy. Man. Doug, how about this? How many, how many Roger Paul gigs did you do with, with the, uh, uh, I don't know. With the, uh, the, uh, the, the, the female comedian that, that wore a wedding dress,

his wife or his ex-wife, I think one in all those years. Oh, really? Oh my God. I got on a string and man, wow, that was an extreme show. I'll tell you what you do learn about comedy that Ralphie knows is that sometimes things happen and you scratch your head for five fucking years. Like I was just talking to you and I did, there used to be another company that used to do comedy when I fucking started and they were Dana and Doug McGraw and I sent them

a tape and they made me a co-headliner when I couldn't even MC. They said, we love your stage presence and they got me a gig as a feature which paid me like $145 and I went up there and again, this is when I needed every time, wait, after the gig, I got out of there, it was, and I didn't drink. I said, I'm not going to drink cause I got to sleep on the street today. They paid me in cash. It's when it cost me 22 to get home, maybe five for a subway, veggie and cheese with a soda, I'll get home with $110.

I need every fucking dime of this. There's no hotel in my fucking future and those days I had a trunk in that Corolla and there was everything in there, a basketball, two blankets, a pillow, fucking snow boots, regular shoes, hiking boots, explosives, a flare, a canteen filled with water, you fucking name it. And it was in there that if you moved one of them, it was made, I had everything in there, scotch fucking tight. I had to stick across the back, I would hang clothes back there so I could hide back there

if I had to sleep in the car. I figured out a way to kick the front seat and push it forward. I had it, I had it jacked up dog. I fitted a thing, my buddy was a half a fag engineer in Boulder, he was a genius. He made me a thing so I could put on the bottom so where you put your feet now wasn't there. It became part of your mattress. I had that little car going man, got unbelievable the places I slept. How I would walk into hotels and eat the free breakfast, brush my teeth, wash my face, walk

past the front yard, walk into the hotel, take a tremendous shit, piss, wipe my ass really good because it got dirty overnight in that fucking car. I would brush my teeth, wash my hair, push my eyebrows back, gargle and then have everything in my jacket and then I'd walk like I owned a joint. What's for breakfast here this morning? For $9.95, did you stay at the hotel last night here at what room? $62.80. Lisa, yeah.

I mean, go sit down, so of course you fucking at $8.90 a fucking table for everything you could eat. Are you crazy? After you slept in a car all night, you eat one of everything, cantaloupe, rice krispies, you eat a bagel, you eat a cinnamon bun, those buffets you go to Lee, you eat one of everything. Yeah, you go even go back for purple pie. You just slept in a car to do your fucking dream. Your diet really doesn't matter.

That's what killed me. You died at that point, really doesn't matter. I remember going back one time and somebody going, Joey, you put down weights, so I put a basketball with me on the road and I forced myself to go in the back of every hotel on the parking lot and run around with a basketball. I did that for about three months, you know. That's how retarded I was. So where are you going to be the next couple of weeks?

I'm going to be at Hera's at the beautiful casino, Hera's, and you know what I like about it? I got to be honest. The thing I really like about it is there's no shiny shirt, half a fax over there, okay? It's like a bunch of real people, okay? It's $15.00, if I can blackjack, you can have a good time, drink pretty good booze, okay? They've got great restaurants. As a Ruth Chris, if you want steak meat, I mean, come on, who's better than that?

You got to take a leave, you got to take a leave, we use your room. Man, Lee, I want you to come out, you fool. Okay, listen, Hercules, I got a five bedroom house, they done luring me with a good ass pool and everything. No, no, listen, listen, Lee is allergic to listen to me, Lee, let me tell you something. Well, it's going to leave. Well, Lee has a skin problem. He's got a skin problem.

He can't be sleeping on nothing. You got to get Lee a room that's been sanitized, though. Okay, all right, done. We don't have time to sleep. Done. I'll put him at the beautiful Caesars Palace. We don't want to stand there, B&B is what I'm telling you. Oh, good God, no.

You saw, yeah, don't stand there, B&B. And I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. You're going to munch yard in Las Vegas, you know what I'm saying? Me familiar, no man, she ain't nobody. What are you drinking?

Champagne? Champagne cocktail? Champagne cocktail. Champagne cocktail. No, stayin' on it, B&B and blankets. He's going to sneak in the middle of the night. Lee's one of those kids, bro. You know, Lee's one of those guys in Vegas that you get them high.

Yeah. It's really, you know, Lee thinks like when Lee was allowed at the South Point, Lee was very interesting to me because at Lee's age, I didn't like Las Vegas at all. I took a hatin' for Las Vegas when I was 22 and I said, I don't need this place. I'm from New York City where I could do this, I got to walk around with cameras. I got to walk around with cameras and they watch in the bathrooms. They watch everything, Jack. For me to get down, for me to come to your 784, I had to know I could snortin' beats.

I could go to a bar and jack out like I used to do in Houston where you can't even talk anymore. I'd go to that store. Allen Park Inn. No, no, no, no. Yeah, fuck yeah. Allen Park Inn. I got jacked out.

Or our house. No, the fuck another bar where you get jumped is they had no windows. That bar there, I used to walk in there and I couldn't even fuckin' talk. But anyway, to make a fuckin' long story short, I don't know what the long fuckin' story short was. It's, what's up, Lee? When I was a lot of the South Point. Yeah, Lee was a lot of the South Point.

He was interesting because we would finish up a show, we would eat something, we'd get high and Lee would look like, you know, okay, I get it, Lee's tired, I'm tired. And the next day, I'd hear a tremendous story, how he got up at two, brushed his hair and came down and he went to five and at five thirty he bumped into a friend who put bad luck on him. And he went back to the table and he ended up losing, we ended up losing what he won plus a hundred out of his pocket. Now he's salivating from the mount because he's Jewish.

He goes back up to the room. He washes himself, he bangs with that, he calls his girlfriend and he refuels from the last temptation of Christ. He's got this weird way of gambling. Then he's telling me how good he is, he's Johnny Bananas. I stalk him, I stake him a yard or two. He blows it in two minutes, he got beat up, like a fuckin', like somethin'. So this day he blames me.

He lived, I won my first double hand that he lived. And I walked away, so it's my fault. I'd never been nobody's lucky fuckin'. I'd never been nobody's lucky rabbit foot. This guy wins four hundred, oh he's mush. Put him in the bathroom. About eight weeks ago he started a new career, he got books. He took a fuckin' course on hypnotics, I'd hypnotize the blackjack demon.

Sweet. Sweet. Sweet. I'd read your bracelet, Ralphie, if you have it. Oh man, I know, it's actually in my luggage. I go everywhere with that. He took a course. By the way, I've had, okay, thank you church for takin' me in and lovin' on me.

You guys come to my shows and after the showroom, I'm downstairs maybe havin' a delicious, but why is the product, okay? You know, maybe enjoyin' myself a little bit before I go home and you guys come up to me and you're like, look at the yellow, Ralphie, where's that goddamn bracelet? We fuckin' love that and it's because of this, I've gotten tons of fans and they've come in and they've loved me and I just say thank you. I am very humbled by y'all. The fuckin' church is for real, dude.

They'll fuck around. They do not fuck around. In Denver, I had like five guys go, dude, I'm from the church and they brought me reefer, okay? I had to leave. No, we're a good family. We're a good family. Dude, I left a fuckin' man.

They'll give you a dollar. Buffalo. Oh my God, Buffalo. They come runnin'. Houston. Houston's all the time. Nashville. Oh my God.

Every time, I'm in Zanes. It's my home club, okay? Every time I'm there, every time, 20 or 30 guys are like, man, we love you on the church and it's just like, it's so cool. It's cool. Man, it's like, the thing that we had is like just going out, you know what I mean? Man, I'm just trying to distract now because Coco's really getting into his fuckin' left nut, all right?

I think he might be ready to pop his head. It's stuck. It's fuckin' stuck. I've seen it. I've seen that look. He can pop his head on his nut. There's nothin' like movin'. Oh, with the little blood.

There's nothin' like movin' and fuckin' gettin' like stuck. Your nut gets stuck on your underwear, you know. Me on these is bangin'. I have shorts on, so it fucked it up. All right, let me read this out and we'll get the fuck out of here. I can't believe you're just leavin' out of there. Don't forget. Don't forget this weekend, you fuckin' savage, it's startin' Thursday night.

I'm at the Brea Improv and Brea, my fuckin' home club, Thursday, one show of death, Leo be there. He's shipin' on New Stars, tomorrow Leo be there, breakin' his record of 3,000, and we're puttin' him on a skateboard and sendin' him back. Nah, Leo be there, Leo ain't breakin' his record unless he gets paid from now. And Lee's doin' personal preferences. If you'd like to bring Lee, fly him out to your party, Leo eat fuckin' 5,000 milligrams if the money's right, okay?

We don't give a fuck at this point in the game. $10 a milligram. No, we gotta lower that. Don't be stupid. Don't be stupid. You want them to want it. Yeah, don't be greedy. Well, how about it?

Don't be greedy. What do you think is reasonable? Hey, man, no, you might get lucky, somebody might know how to barbeque you. Let them make the offer, you know what I'm sayin'? Okay, that's reasonable. I'm open to negotiations. Now, Lee, don't forget, on this one, I need a little taste. You've had like 19 ventures, there's a five dollar bill four my way out of the sky.

Never, never. Not at all. Nothing even when it's big. He makes, and he makes it. That's the tip. He makes thousands of dollars, this fucking guy, selling fucking and everything. He sells hats. He's a savage.

He's a savage. Look at him. He's smiling over there. God, suck him. He still owes me for the game, but three times I stayed for it, and all three times I lost my investment. Yeah, right? He comes back, not even with a five dollar bill, at least bring a garlic fry from the

casino. Nothing. He comes back. They are fucking good. They try to invest with him. God, man. Say what you will. That fucking Southwark casino's got great fucking food.

Yes, they do. That fucking seafood. They're fucking sick houses. Fucking amazing. That seafood bar is good. I like the one Harris better on that one, but I gotta be honest with you, you got sushi right there. You got, I think it's one of the best food in any casino.

I mean, they're fucking bomb over there. They're doing it, Jack. That Italian's first rate. I like that fucking breakfast, dawg. I'm happy with the three eggs in the fucking bacon. Can you imagine? Fuck yeah. That's how simple I've become.

Here we go, motherfuckers. The church is brought to you by one of my favorite products. Let me explain something. I did business with these guys about three years ago when we first started. Am I bullshittingly? No, they were one of our first. They're one of our first sponsors. They sent us a bunch of stuff.

Till today, I still use their products, okay? So this is how much I always kept their raises. I always kept the main stem. I think they sent this, like they sent me like three main stems over the years and I still have a fucking backup, okay? I don't know what, I don't know how they do it, but as far as razors and fucking the whole package, they're the best in the business and what makes them even better is they deliver it right to your house.

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$5 dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Number two, let me talk to you about something. These days, you've got everything on demand. It's like this podcast. So what the hell are you still going to the post office dealing with limited hours standing on a line like a MOOC when you can get postage on demand with stamps.com. Anything you could do at the post office, you could do right now from your desk with stamps.com and buy and print official postage for any letter or package using your own computer

and printer. And unlike the post office, stamps.com never closes. Listen, you got a little couple of cocktails in you. You're in the mood to work. You got a couple of things to ship out. You need sleep. Get the postage whenever you need it 24-7, all right? Whenever my wife uses stamp.com, she loves it.

You know why? She puts it out there and the mailman comes and picks it up. That's how good and convenient this works. You still got stamps.com? I do. I still have the scale. It works great. Tremendous.

So what we're going to do is this. Right now, you're going to use my name, Joey, for the special offer. We're going to give you a four-week trial. This includes postage and we're going to send you a digital scale. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Joey. Listen, you got a small business.

You're trying to get a small business started. This is the economical way to go. You're a one-man army. You don't have time to hire somebody to go to the post office. It takes too much time out of your day. If you're going to do business, this is a smart way to do it right now. It's the only way. Stamps.com right now and to Joey.

Stamps.com right now and to Joey, never go to the post office again. Your time is more valuable than that. I'll see you motherfuckers Thursday night. The brand problem, but we'll see you motherfuckers Friday. I got two shows and Saturday. I got two shows either be there or be square Thursday night. If you come, tell your boss you're not going to work Friday morning. Tell him Cosby's making the last fucking comeback.

He's going to fly in between court cases and put gorilla biscuits in your fucking drinks. I want to thank stamps.com again. Don't forget stamps.com and to Joey and I want to thank dollarshaveclub.com and to church. I always want to thank honor.com. They're our lifetime sponsor. They've been there since day one. Listen, I want to thank Ralphie May as usual. Always entertaining.

Thank you, church. I want to thank my man, Lisa, and he didn't say much today, but he was stoned today. Is that B? Is that B? No, there's no B. There's no B. There's a B. There's a B.

There's a B. There's a B. No, there's no B. You're not going to tell me that the B waited three hours to come out at the end of the fucking podcast. Did it sting you? No. I mean, there's no fucking B.

I've been trying to get him to forget about that B for the last, like, 20 minutes. And what y'all didn't see is my hand was over here. Just creeping and trying to find a stupid fight and I swooned by a banger now. That was the B. Look at the noise he's making. No, he won't. He won't stop with that fucking B. That B is...

He was about to die. Again, I want to thank God and I want to thank Stamps.com. And I want to thank Dollar Shave Club. Harris. Harris. All of June, no July. Yeah, no July, no August, but then I'm back in the fall. Okay, they give me the summer off, because God bless him.

I'm fucking way too fast. With 2,000 degrees. There's 2,000 degrees to the fuck down. Like, my blow-up. Okay, I couldn't take it. But I'm at Harris Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Come on, you guys are great. I love you.

If you're coming out to Vegas, I'll make you laugh hard. I promise. Okay, I'm bonafide. I love you. Have a good night. Stay black. See you Wednesday, cocksuckers. Hit it, babe.

Hit that music, babe. Here you go, Lee. Oh, shit. It's mama and papa. Louie knew just where he stood. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie.

Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie. There he stood in the night. Knowing what's wrong for what's right. He took her home to meet his mama and papa. Man, they had a terrible fight. Louie nearly caused the scene. Wishing it was a dream, but you know.

Ain't no difference if you've black or white. Brothers who know what I mean. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie. Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry. Lo-wee, lo-wee, lo-wee, lo-wee Lo-wee, lo-wee, lo-wee, lo-wee

Lo-wee, lo-wee, I've got a cry Lo-wee, lo-wee, lo-wee Lo-wee, lo-wee, lo-wee, lo-wee Lo-wee, lo-wee, lo-wee Lo-wee, lo-wee, I have got a cry Lo-wee, lo-wee, lo-wee No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no