Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #489 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

Ari Shaffir, Comedian whose double special, "Double Negative" is coming to Netflix on July 18, 2017, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/11/2017.
  

It's like 30 in here. It's a good as bag we got. We might finish this one Wednesday night. That's a stick as a... This is it. This is it. You go to Indonesia with this. This is $34 apiece in Indonesia. You're going to jump in so long.

Yeah, you got like 20 years. Just give them to the people at the police station. Take these there. Vitamins. Those little Chinese people go down in fucking flames in Indonesia. We ready? This podcast is brought to you by hellotushy.com

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The Koreans are lighting the dots. Let's do this shit. Oh, yes, you do. The church of what's happening now. Lee Syat. Ahri Shafir. And your Uncle Joey. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?

Welcome to Podcastville. Uncle Joey here welcoming you on a beautiful Monday morning slinging dick and giving out chopsticks. Lee Syat's here. I think Ahri Shafir is here. I'm here. I'm mostly here. I'm mostly here. That was a tremendous bong, I told you.

This new weed we're getting out here. This new weed from the one I chew. Jesus. This is killing motherfuckers. I tried to send you postcards. It's a warning. It's a warning. Don't come back. Don't come back. It's too strong now. Nobody want to have the intelligence shit.

But you went away for a long time. There was shine shoes no more. This weed you smoke out there, you would have laughed at it. It was that time. It's all brown. It's just like sticks of things. Seeds. Oh, yeah. So many seeds. Depends where. Some places not much.

Like ten bucks for like like a ground up eighth. You know, like a shitty looking eighth. Where did you get the best weed at? Vietnam. Vietnam. Vietnam had good weed. Yeah, one guy had it. Like California weed or Vietnam?

It had been a long time. It had been like two and a half months already. So just way better than anything I remember. How was the food in Vietnam? Pretty good. Those banh mi sandwiches. You would love those. Just quick fucking in a little bun. Like an eight incher.

They stuff it. It's like just fresh. Super fresh bread. They got that from the French. And the French invaded them. And they just stuffed it full of shit. Like what? Chicken. And then like a little long carrot. And some like hot pepper in there if you want.

A little bit of salt. It's just their own like, you know, hoagie I guess. Who invaded Vietnam first? French? French. The French got out. And then immediately America is like, hell yes, we're getting in there. The apocalypse now. The redux. They add those scenes.

Where they having dinner at the French house. And they get into an argument. And the guy tells more. And the French are already gone? Or the French is part of the house? It's the French's house. This is the scene after they go and surf.

Charlie don't surf. And then they go to the thing and they see the playmates come down the helicopter. From there they go on to the lagoon. And they go somewhere. And the movie turns the turn. Apocalypse now. When it came out in 79. It was a great cut.

It was a three and a half hour movie. But then for the 20th anniversary or something I don't know exactly. They added that extra hour. Hour and a half more. Those five hours. Something. Something. If you want to look it up Lee. And there's a scene when they're in some guy that's French soldiers

and they're having dinner. And they get into an argument. The American that you know we can't believe what you're doing now. We already dealt with this. I forget all about it. They had like two successive wars there.

The French and they drove out the French and then immediately the Americans moved in. They were like we're going to take you over. They never attacked anybody. They were just there. They called the American war there. And how does Vietnam look today? It's alright.

Ho Chi Minh was pretty packed. Yeah. Motorcycles everywhere. It takes you like 20 minutes to work out the curse across the street. There's so many of them. Hundreds of them. Yeah. Overdone. They have districts to go out farther and farther.

Maybe you tell your fuck you American. No. Not once. They like us now. They like us now. That was just an old government. They don't care about them. They don't like the Chinese anymore. Are you self Korean or Vietnamese? No. What do you insult?

I'm sorry. What was your question? For a second I was confused in Korea with Vietnam. Did you think I was Korean or Vietnamese? No. I thought you were in Korea and not Vietnam. I get it. 450.

That's what it finished with. 4 hours 50 minutes. Yeah. You can't. Come on. Do you see that? No. I can't do it. I've watched parts of the redux. I can't lie to anybody.

I've watched parts of it. It's just too long. Yeah. And I think it takes you somewhere you don't want to go. They've redone the Godfather. They've added all the scenes back. Really? And it's like fucking nine hours. All three of them together?

All three of them together. You see them in chronological order? If it starts at 12, it goes till 6 or 7 o'clock at night. HBO. And now I think Bobby didn't Bobby put something out today on Facebook.

Bobby Sharon. They're releasing the Godfather for a week. In theaters? Yeah. They're re-releasing the Godfather for a week for the 45th anniversary. I think that's going to be the move. You know why? Because of Godfather 4.

They're trying to present pre-hype for it. Really? Yeah, they're trying to get people talking about Godfather 4. Yeah, are they going to shoot a gun for it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the grandson or something. Or like them and like a war with somebody else. I don't know.

I mean, I think... Maybe it was the son, maybe it was that kid. Maybe the kid grew up, the boy, the dumb boy. Yeah. Yeah, what if a dummy got in like got in head of the mafia? That's your comedy then, right? I guess.

If he became the head of the mafia? It always happens. I've thought for a while that they could... I think the movie theaters could survive on just re-releasing the best of the old movies. I mean, there are movie theaters that show old movies,

but if you just re-release like the best, not every movie, but just have like a week... Dumb and Dumber. Yeah. If you wanted to do all the Godfathers in one row, yeah. But just give the new movies a break until they get a chance to make...

Listen, there's people that are nostalgic about a lot of movies. So what you do is 16 Candles. Yeah. Ferris Bula. Let's get Ferris Bula. Yeah, sure. Okay, Ferris Bula, everybody loves Ferris Bula. You want to re-release Ferris Bula,

you'll get my $7. But I'd rather you add something new. And re-release it on the 32nd anniversary and I'll pay you the fucking 12 or whatever the fuck it is, Ari. I'm just saying that I don't mind those are my favorite movies.

I mean, everybody's nostalgic about 16 Candles or what's the other one? It is 16 Candles with the Chinese guy. Yeah, they adopt the Chinese guy and fucking... She steals her underwear? Yes, he steals the underwear. That's a good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's under the thing. All those movies are phenomenal. You know, the breakfast club was just on. What did I watch today? Today I watched the second half of something that I said this never fucking comes on. You know, those movies, if there's nothing to do,

now let me explain some to you. There's some people who like going to Tarantino's theater, the Beverly. Oh, yeah, the New Beverly, yeah. Would you, let me ask you something, Lee, because you actually go to more movies than myself and Ari. Yeah, for sure, right?

Would you go see one of your favorite old movies with Paula at the Starlight, this is the skylight. Arklight? And pay the $18. See, I wouldn't pay $18, but here's the thing. How much is the Arklight?

I think Arklight's around that. 12, 50, 13, 14, 15, something like that. So let's pretend now that I'm not even talking about the Godfall. Let's be fair. Here's an example just for kids my age. Like we watched Good Burger a few months ago. It had a way better time.

And that's not a classic for like a... Good Burger, really? But it's a classic for like Stoner and like just for like... But I think you could get away going from like the 70s and 80s, even not even the 90s. You could do the 90s if you wanted to,

but just 70s and 80s, and just how you always get at me for like not seeing things. Like give us a chance to see it. And then because the only reason tickets are that high is because of these... whatever it's called, the studios are making... that's where they make their money.

So if they just re-released old movies, they could lower ticket prices because they're not paying anything to get the movies out there. So they probably ended up making more money. Because they're not... All they have to do is pay residuals. I would like to open up a movie theater. I would do it differently.

A movie theater in San Francisco in 1985, Ari, that you would have died. They closed it up. Or maybe it's still open. It's on the tenderloin. It's on the... it's on Haydashbury. I'm sorry. And it used to be close to the end. And I saw a mask there.

The movie with Cher and the little kid, not the mask. Mask 1985 with Cher when she had the kid that was really ugly with the fucked up head. You ever see that? No, what? Yeah, Eric Roberts. So what I had to do was

this movie theater, I don't know how they made money. But this is the deal, guys. He had a big head. And in real life it was even bigger. He died this summer and shit. Did he really? Yeah, he died that summer.

No, that fucking Eric Roberts fucking played. This is what they had. This is why I don't know if you can make money and be successful. First of all, you'd have to put love seats. Because people go in twos. Go where in twos? To the movie theater.

So at this movie theater that I went to in San Francisco in 1985 they just had 23 man couches that looked like the couches in La Jolla. Oh, really? All fucking busted and whatever. They redid them real cool.

They had ashtrays in there for weed and cigarettes. Oh, cool. They had corn with real butter. And they made homemade chocolate chip cookies. Not the fucking like a guy was there packing the cookies and yeah. And they would come out and the bell would ring.

They did look nice. It would still look like 1950 in there. You could still smell the sperm from the Brales days. But it didn't matter. You sat in the couch. You could take your shoes off. Really? You could pop your legs across. The fucking thing.

So you and I went let's say you and your girlfriend went in the afternoon. And there was nobody there. You could sit on the couch and spread your legs so your feet are touching and watch the movie and eat popcorn just like you at your house. So that's the experience I want to provide.

The only problem is if you have those type of couches how many people can you put in there one shot? Right. You had to up the ticket price. The hell of it now. I had to go to the clinic which my dad goes to in Florida all the time.

They have servers which are very nice. They give everyone blankets and reclining chairs. And you have a server that will come to your chair during the movie theater. In Toronto, they had that 20 years ago with the movie theater. It's amazing.

They would come up to you, the seats would recline and there'd be a little table next to you and she would come give you beers, chocolate shakes. That one on Sunset has stuff like that. They have a tomato bisque tomato soup and they have a little buzzard

that goes off. The chicken sausage with the sandwich, it's brilliant. It comes to your seat. No wait, this is at the end of the fight. That sucks, Dick. Did you go to the movies when you were overseas? Yeah, one time.

I went to in Yangon, Myanmar. I went to the Assassin's Creed with a couple Australian girls. So where did the tour start? When did you get your head together to a start at? That's what I call it.

People say, where's Ari's on the get your head together to? Yeah. I started in Myanmar. I went there first. Then I fucked around Myanmar for a while. How long was the flight? I don't know, like 13 to 20 hours. You slept the whole flight? I slept some of it, for sure.

I don't remember having any edibles. No, I do, because I had some in Myanmar. I found one. So I had it on the plane. So yeah, that was it though. On the plane there for the first half.

Then you get the guitar, you get a transparent guitar, and I don't want to fucking have anything there. Which guitar? Doha or Doha is a city? It's somewhere in the Middle East. It's a country that just got no one in the Middle East like acknowledging them anymore. Really? Why?

I don't know. I don't even know where Myanmar, I would never even be able to pick it up. Southeast Asia. It's just a country in Southeast Asia. It's fucking cool, man. Where did you live then? You went to hostels. Went to hostels. One night in a hotel, then straight to hostels. Fucking met people there.

They told me where else to go. What the other cities are, what the other places are. How many people are recognizing you right away? None. Right away, none. That was cool. I think it was like it was like the first time. Yeah, I think like, I don't know,

two weeks in, two and a half weeks in, something like that. And then somebody, it was just fine, it was cool. And then like less and less. You know? Yeah, then none again till like, I don't know. Yeah, it was like three or four or five times total.

So you were over there for 90 days. Yeah, 100 100 105, 6, 7 days. How long till you got a little clarity? I have to like, good question. I have to like, maybe a few weeks.

Pretty quick. You just start like, just thinking all the time. At what point did you get clarity? Were you in a lake soaking your feet? Or were you in a bar and they were playing yin-yang music? I've had it before in Edinburgh in Scotland, being on mushrooms

up in the hills, just walking around when the sun comes up and just having like moments of like, oh, I get it. Okay, I can do it this way. Okay, I can just do it this way. Just figuring it all out. Yeah, real clarity. But I don't know if I had any there.

No, I did. Sometimes. Yeah, I went to some fucking monastery, some Buddhist monastery like Duncan. And you just have to meditate all day. You're supposed to clear your head, have no thoughts whatsoever. And did you do it? No, I had so many thoughts.

How long did you sit down for? How long did you sit down for? Well, that's what happens. Yeah, it just floods in. You're supposed to like, learn how to like, I guess get them to go away, but man, it makes you think about so much stuff. And like, four or five days of that,

you're just like, oh. Did you stay there for four or five days? Yeah, yeah, on these little fucking yoga mats. Wood floor on a yoga mat. And what'd you eat? Um, protein less food. You can't kill animals or the insects.

Even though there's fucking spiders right near fucking bunk. You're not supposed to kill it for a while. So you have to like, just let a giant spider to be nearby. Yeah, but yeah, they don't eat animal at all. So like you eat like a bunch of cabbage

based foods. Um, rice. Did you bathe? Yeah, they had one hard shower that was cold and they had one trickle, but it was pretty hot. So it really was like, which way are we going to go?

If you got it midday when it was hot out, okay, maybe you'll risk the freezing cold. I don't know how it got that cold though. Man. Or the trickle. And you just got to like, you know, sort of save it up in your palm. You know that were you ready for the United States

at one point? You never really were, were you? No, I'd still be out there. Yeah, I was starting to have fun. I really, if I was a betting man, I didn't think you were going to come back to about June. I was hoping you wouldn't come back.

Even though I missed you, I knew where you were at, you know, in 1989, which I was in, 1982, I was a young, I was a young kid. And those five years were just brutal. I don't know if I get just getting in a car,

driving to Aspen in the first week I just slept. Until this day, I think of that unwinding at that time in my life. And I thought about what you were doing at the age of 40. One day you said, that's it. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't want to do anymore. I don't want to do these fucking emails. I don't want to do these phone pictures. I understood exactly. Did you? From every aspect, the more I thought about it, because what else was going on here was then Gabriel

tapped out. What do you mean, Gabriel tapped out? Gabriel called his agents one day and said, I'm done. What do you mean? I'm not doing this no more. He took a four-month sabbatical. Just left? No, he didn't leave.

He just went alone for a little while. He went back. He did a couple weekends and he's doing a European tour. He's got no other dates. I feel like if you ease your way back in, that's okay. It was funny because you left. Think about some normal stuff. You left in my January...

Oh, you filled up my dates? What's that? You filled up my dates? No, no, no. It's funny because when you left, I went to work on the 6th. Yeah. I did a one night with Steve Simone on the 6th. And I was home.

And then for three weekends in a row, I worked. And I had to shoot a pilot for Animal Planet. And I'm getting calls about the numbers. And I'm getting calls about the podcast. And everybody's sending you fucking emails to give you scripts about the fucking podcast. And I mean, it was like three weeks from hell.

And I sat there for a minute and I go, you know, I understand where Ari's at now. I understand, you know, and it's really weird how in this life it's better to want than to have. Sometimes you think about something.

You don't think of how much work you're going to have to put into this. And it really fucking blows you away. Like, how much shit you take for trying to do something good. Yeah, sometimes like, leave me alone for a minute. Just leave me alone for a minute.

Let me fucking get out something good. You know how those bloggers suck? Because they have to put out some every single week and they actually care about yeah, you're going to be that. It just gets so and I'm not whining here and I'm not saying, but something, this happens

to everybody in life. I'm just fortunate that Ari recognized it and said, you know what? Fuck all you motherfuckers. Sucker dick bitches. It's over. I'm not doing it. It's over. And a lot of people in regular lives listen, you got some money put away.

You know, you're thinking about your retirement but life gets hectic sometimes. What are you going to do? Wait till you have a heart attack? You know what? Yeah, why not? Get out and see the fucking world. And see the world. That's why you work. Yeah. That's why you do all the shit that you do.

You think if I had a passport. Get out. If I had a passport, I would take a trip every 90 days with my wife and my child. Did you see these old people out there? Oh yeah. The old couples that are going out there on a tour going from thing to thing. They're like 75 and it's like they're not going to see it anytime. They're just going to see it

and go home. They're not going to go to some fucking party somewhere. Well, just think about it. Any day, like I say on stage, any day after 50, you know, when you're fucking 50, you might die any day. Oh Jesus. You know what I'm saying? That's the truth.

That's the reality. You hit 50 whippies, everybody goes home. You take your birthday gifts upstairs. It's the way down for sure. And then five days, five years you're getting a discount at 55. Next year I got a discount at Denny's. What? That's it. It's over. And then I got

10 more years to work after that and then whatever. Do you start next year you're getting an old person discount? I got a discount at Denny's, not even, not only that, I can also apply for my pension from SAG. Really? I could get a fucking early pension. Are you going to? Fuck no.

No, why? Because you never know what could happen. What if fucking you get a show and you need to, if you're a uncle to be on there, there I am. So they force you to retire? No. You can't get a pension and then go back in the game? Well maybe, but why take it? Why take it? Leave it in there.

I don't need it right now. What am I going to get? What am I going to get? Two grand? No, no, it's good. It's good. I could steal two grand. You know what I'm saying? I could steal two grand. Yeah, don't do that. You know what I'm saying? Two grand, 2200. What does it go up?

It goes up over the years. If I book a big movie or something, you get a couple extra points, plus you get social security, plus I get Aftra. What's Aftra going to give me? They combine now. 350 a month. I know, but what are they going to give me? 350 a month? Maybe. It all adds up. It all adds up.

It all adds up when you're 65. I'm going to be broke like everybody else, 65. You know what I'm saying? Then SAG has a house right up here. Remember that? They used to have... An old at home? Yeah. Right in the... Have old actors? Yeah. You didn't know that? No.

Woodland Hills. You can go to Dr. Woodland Hills. Old alone actors? Yeah. Right now, go to SAG and they have locations. And there's a location up here somewhere. Up here, right up in the valley, where you go, they have every movie, every made.

And they just put themselves in there? They have a gym? They have a health center? Oh. A gym? Like, heated pool, steam baths, the whole fucking thing. And then they have a village there. And it's for older SAG members who have no family. And they feed you. They have a doctor

on staff up there. Every night you can meet and watch movies. Different old people that are there, the actors, talking about experiences they had. It's pretty fucking cool. Pretty cost of money, Jack. It comes out of their stuff. They wanted to be center of attention.

And you have to... Put yourself on the list. What do you mean? The actors, they were all about look at me. Fees are based solely on the ability to pay. It's expensive for rich people, but I think... Yeah, where is it at?

Will it Hills? They're based on the fucking beautiful. If you don't have much money? When I was signing up... Will it Hills? That's pretty close. I was signing up to be in the Editors Union right before I did this full time. Big shift in your life.

And they said that they had... There's a fund for people in Hollywood who go in hard time. You have to apply to it. Really? Yeah. I guess it's kind of cool. Yeah, they steal that fund. Don't believe the hype. That fund don't do dick for you.

To get that fund, you gotta do 18 hours of paperwork. They want paperwork from the old country, Israel. Forget it. But the time you get to check, you'll fucking be dead. They send me those things every year. Donate to the actors fund. I ain't donating dick because I know you're not going to help

no fucking actors. If you let... Check, listen. If you get a residual check, Lee, you ready for this one? Sit down tightly. You ready? I'm ready. If you get a residual check. Okay. Right? And let's say you have a family of three. And it's a check for like $2,000.

And you don't get it within 30 days. Guess how long? First off, let's say for a fact, SAG sent it June 13th, which is tomorrow morning. It should get to your house by Thursday, correct? If they send it from

Wilshire Boulevard. Sure. Now if you call SAG in 10 days and go, listen, you guys sent me a check. You know what they tell you? You gotta wait 30 days. Why? And then file a report for a claim. Guess how long it takes you to get your residual check? How long? Six months.

Which is your money. It's your fucking money. It takes that long to just have... Six months to get that check. That your family fucking needs... You gotta follow up on over and over and over again. Follow up, call them, see if they've got processed. They found your old check.

One time they had a check for five months. They're a shitty union. One time they had a... They didn't... I was waiting for a check five months. Do you know I got a call one day out of the random and they go, hey man, we found the check for you here at SAG. It was returned. One check is in there. It's like $1100.

I'll be there in three minutes. I cut everybody off on the way to Walsh. They were closing at five. It was like twenty to five. And they found that check that was missing. Really? That I put the fucking... Oh the drop behind something? Like they did something stupid with it.

They said that they got it. You know, you don't know how many times you'll call after has an account that you could go on there. You go to your after account and you could go and claim checks that you'll die. You'll die. You'll die.

You'll go, how come I never got this check? I lived there when you sent it. And all of a sudden you look at the address and they sent it to you at the comedy store. And you're like, why would you do something like that? It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous when you go on that file.

Go on it. Take some time. Get high. Go to after and look for missing checks. Print up your name. They got three of your checks. Guarantee they got three of your checks about a thousand, thirteen hundred bucks that they could have, that they've been sending checks to your address

for twenty years. To your wrong address. No, they've been sending you checks. Like you still got checks from after. But for one reason or another, they got a fucking brain fart on that day. And sent it somewhere when you look at the address go, I never lived

in fucking Ohio. Like they do fuck. So that's what I'm saying. When you go on there on the after page and SAG they have checks to belong to you. Oh. That you don't get. That you don't get. It's like for people who don't know this,

let's pretend that you went to college and fucking. And they don't try to track you down? No, why would they do that? Why would they want to fucking do that? Not only do you pay them union dues. Health or union? Yeah, no. They don't do that. I don't know if you know this, Lee. Let's say you went to, you're from Boston.

Right. But let's say, in the summer you went to college and in the summers you worked at the movie theater and stuff like that. I guarantee, I guarantee that if you go to the state of Boston, they are. Yeah. You have three checks in the state of Boston. I do. I had, I had, what I tell you,

I have a check from a movie theater, a restaurant and like an old bank. It's crazy. How much money are yours is out there right now. And this is for all the listeners. If I'm listening right now, what? You have no idea. I did not know this. Remember, my wife is an accountant. My wife is coming to the room

a thousand times going, by the way, I found the check for you for a thousand bucks. What? From Warner Brothers. When you shot Analyze That, they sent it to the hotel where you were staying. No, no, no. It's ridiculous. Wow.

You sit there and go, I've been with Atheris since 1998 and in 2004 they sent the hotel to the Marriott, to the Marriott Hotel in Manhattan. How quickly do you... And you forget about it. You don't know. How quickly do you get notice if you're late

on your SAG dues though? Bro, they will shut you down. No, no, they just won't let you shoot anything. They won't let you shoot if you don't shoot anything. You call station 12. And you find out because as soon as you shoot something they're like, oh, hey, you got to call from SAG and they're like, oh, fuck.

No, no, no, no, no, no. By the time you're doing the paperwork, it's national, regional, computer, this, that. And all of a sudden, that's it. And all of a sudden, about an hour later, I got a quarter to seven, you get that call. Lehigh, we just got off the phone with SAG,

the production company. Ah, you're station 12. What's that? You can't shoot. You come up with $454. They're like, I don't have $454. And they don't give a fuck. Now they do. They finance you. And they don't give you that ahead of schedule.

What you're about to make, like, $100,000? Yeah, they must have lost their main, the guy they wanted a few times, where they're like, why don't we just, what's the deal? Yo, let's just pay it. Let's just upfront them that money. Yeah, they won't do it. The production companies won't do it. They're crazy. I got my production company to pay for SAG

for basketball. Really? I never paid a dollar for SAG or after. I got fired from Telemundo. What'd you do for Telemundo? I was at lunchtime. When I was at lunchtime, I was sitting in my car and I got the call. I got the beep.

I went to a pay phone and my agent said, by the way, they said, not to go back. They'll pay you for the day. Really? Yeah, it was that quick. You want me to tell you something? It was 1998 and they paid for my after. It was about three years ago. I'm walking a circle around that park,

North Hollywood Park. Where the dinosaurs are? Where the what? SAG? No, no, no. Right over here. This is North Hollywood Park. This is about three years ago. I'm walking with my wife right before. My wife had mercy.

Me and her would walk when she was pregnant. And when they were walking, the Spanish guy from George Lopez's show, the one on ABC eight years ago ran up to me. He goes, do you remember me? And I go, yeah, yeah, you're from the Lopez show. He goes, no, no, no, no. He goes, I did a show with you on Telemundo

that you got fired from. He goes, I never saw you after that, but I wanted to tell you, I had nothing to do with that. I go, can I ask you something? What happened? He goes, they didn't like the style of Spanish that you spoke.

It was nothing personal. You're a Cuban from New Jersey and there was a Cuban from Miami and the producers were Cubans from Miami and he goes, I don't know exactly what you said, but I know that when you left

for lunch, they were petrified. Like, they were they were by the book Cubans and the words I had used were a kind of a savage Cuban words that like a a street slang

Cuban would use. Oh, really? Yeah. There's a couple different types of Cubans that are very decent people. I have to say it like that. Did that animal like I am? No, they're very decent, man. They weren't

raised like I was and years ago, 99, 2,000 at the store I was doing the belly room stories from a Cuban street and that day I went for an audition and some kid came up to me, we were talking

and also one thing led to another. Are you from Miami? Yeah. What's your name? Something out for us. Oh, shit, you're Cuban. Yeah, we shook hands. Very nice. I don't know, he goes, what are you doing? I'm gonna stand up. He goes, do you have a show in town? I go tonight. I got nine o'clock in the belly room

and we went outside and talked about Cuban food and shit. The hook. They came to the belly room that night, him and his wife on the way out, they wouldn't even look at me. I never saw that kid again. He had my number and everything.

Because he was like a decent fucking man. You know, I was up there telling some fucking Cuban fucking gangster stories. These people don't need that aggravation. Now, did you just go to Asian countries? Oh, fuck, what? Yeah, no, Southeast Asia.

I stayed around there, just in that region. No Australia, no New Zealand, no England. I was thinking I started in Sri Lanka but I didn't. Started in Myanmar and then I just went sort of like east. Now, have you ever been there before? No, I had been to Thailand before. And so then I went to Northern

Thailand. I was going to go to Laos because I heard from some guy in Myanmar that just like cool like boat you can take in Laos. Down like the river, all the way. It's like a two day slow boat. We'll trade fucking booze. Have a good time. I don't know, make friends. And then you get

to like some city, Pintien. Something like that. Bang Vang. Something like that. And then yeah, so I was headed there. Went to Northern Thailand and I got distracted there. I worked Northern Thailand for a while. And then said fuck it, I'm not going to go to Laos. What was the best food?

Man, Vietnam was real good. I like Cambodian food too. Thailand has really good food though. But you've had it before. That's the thing. But some of that Cambodian food, that loak lock, man. You got to get some of that. That's all this chopped up beef, like real fucking

sauteed and shit over rice. Did you have to get any shots to go into any countries? Yeah, like most of them. Really? Yeah, a bunch. Rabie shot, which is a rip because all it gets you, you got to take three of them, which by the way I hear the 300 bucks each.

If you go to another country, 50 bucks. I got the first two here, you had to space them out and then I was going to be there for the third one. 50 bucks. Everything's cheaper there for drugs. Everything's cheaper. Oh my god. And how many more shots

did you have to take? Just the three rabies? The three rabies, but the three rabies only gets you. So after you get bit by some fucking wild dog, you still got to go get a bunch of rabies shots. It just buys you extra days. So that means like if you get the rabies shots, you have four days to go to the hospital. And if you don't, then you have one day to go to the hospital.

But you just fucking go to the hospital. They're no villages. Or if you are, you just fucking go and you get to the hospital in a day. You can get anywhere in a day to a hospital and be like, I've been by a fucking bunch of, and they'll just start shooting you up. I'm fine. I'm just saying it's a ripoff fucking thing.

So when you go to... But I got some other shit too. Now when you go to immigration and Tommy you're going to a mirror mart. When do they start giving you shots right there in immigration? No, no, no. I get it. I went to a travel doctor beforehand

and they give me the shots. They, and then they look ahead of like where are you going to be? And they go like, yeah, there's a malaria risk here. Boom, boom, boom, boom. They found me like that clinic in Myanmar. So where I was going to be. And then I emailed her. I took her email address.

That was one of the only ones. Took it with me, emailed her. Said, hey, I'm in a new place. So can you find me another place that I can get that shot? And then she did. So how many shots altogether to be fucking James Bond and go around the world? Fuck you.

Probably like five, six, five or six. Oh, which one hurt the most? That one, they get you in the side of the arm. You know what's that one? Is that tetanus? I don't know. Is that, is that malaria? No, they don't have malaria. I don't think I've had it. Maybe speed it.

Oh, you should see how small those condoms are out there. They got small condoms. They're so small. They're unusable. They're unusable. So why don't you just cut them in half and glue them together? Why don't like crazy glue them together and tape your dick and double join it

with fucking you got to be creative when you're a freak dog. I've been in those positions late night where you got like those little midget dick condoms. You just get a scissor you hope she's got crazy glue for nails in her purse. You start gluing those condoms together

they're a little rough but you just give her a little stabbing you put the rough in on the inside because you're a gentleman you know what I'm saying? So what you do is you get the scratching. What you do? I'm not fucking with you. Oh no, I don't think you are. You take the glue and you fold this together

so nobody gets their feelings hurt. You put the glue right down and then around your dick you put a little duct tape. Yeah, see that freak like when I was when I was 21 22

23 and you use condoms I was even scared then. I didn't really believe in condoms. 25 everybody had the condom scare I didn't really believe in condoms. What do you mean you didn't believe in condoms? Duct tape your dick shot. Duct tape your dick shot.

Four in the morning when you're coked up and you're getting dead dick, the only way to keep that condom on is to duct tape it onto your dick and even if it shrinks up you're still giving her a stab and it's in there flapping but what are you going to do? I used to be a fucking freak a freak, disgusting.

So you got to cover yourself but I never believe in duct tape. At the tip, at the end over here by the shaft because I don't like the feeling of her liquid on my little circle for some reason and it always creeps me out. What's your circle?

Like let's say you have a woman on top here right? So you have a condom on that's great but what about that area around your nut sack that juice from her monkey goes down to your nut sack and around and after you have sex it just feels like you're sweat but you didn't

and sometimes it's sweat but it's like pussy juice mixed. Always gives me the creeps like you got to have that foot fungus stuff around and go in a hot shower I don't know why so that's why the only time the only time I had sex

with a prostitute was when I was in high school when I went to the 1040 Club and what the most disgusting thing that I can remember about was her bouncing up and down and I kept going I could hear

like but I could also feel like whatever was coming out of her vagina rubbing around my helmet like developing and I kept thinking about her dirty ass You weren't wearing a condom? No you have to wear a condom she puts it on for you

and everything. I was just disgusted and that's what I was disgusted about like I don't want just a condom. You may not get that you duct tape from where to where down to like your mid-thigh around your nut sack I want to invent something

that's like a condom but something also to protect your nuts all the way to your thigh something leather on the end of it those glasses that have the connectors to the side the leather things something completely different where you can Scotch tape it Scotch tapes the inside by yourself so you don't want to lose around your balls

I don't want no fluid on none of my body but if you know her if you know her yeah if you grew up with her and she banged some of your friends I get it but if you're just meeting a girl at a bar on Tinder you have no fluids

you don't know where she's been and she don't know where you've been but isn't it like balls are the most important part balls are not the most important part not the first date okay I wash before I go on the shower I'll wash I would never show up and somebody says hello

with 10 hour disgusting body parts and I'm a fat dude I see you hook up in New York in the summertime no no no you have to take it anybody who I hook up with even early on I would always coax them into the shower you gotta take a shower in my house before I eat that ass

for me to feel comfortable and relaxed unless you just went from your house and you were showy when I picked you up like if I picked you up and I smelled the shampoo in your hand and then we went to eat and we went back to my house and the monkey were alright but if I'm picking you up from the full day of work no you gotta get in the shower

I would coax you into the shower let's do a line of blown and put some in your pussy and eat it in the shower tell them some story to get you in the shower right or wrong I don't fucking know especially when you go across the world you gotta go up steps

I couldn't imagine going to I love Asian women but I can't imagine going all the way around the world and sleeping with a woman without full protection no but that means just condom I want full protection there's no full protection

there's no such thing as that a rash guard I need something I can't sleep at night so you want something like a wetsuit with a dick hole in it and then you can cover that up the bottom to be like a bikini

with a condom and you put your dick in the whisk away the whole thing I have really fucking you want me to be the only way to describe my skin faggy

since I'm a fucking kid I have faggy skin my skin is weak how I haven't died is beyond me because when I was a kid I went to Florida one time and I was forced to wear in the time of my baby

I had a thought when you went to my house you looked at my spirit altar now you can't tell you have to go to a living room there's a picture of me in the living room if you walk up to it you go Joey what happened to your head oh because when it was like the fucking

that was impersonator here I was three when I was three my head was red really? red completely different guys you would die you guys would both go what the fuck happened to an Irish kid

like it was crazy I remember my mom had a lock of hair they used to go who's hair is this and she goes not your hair like when I was about six do you get a fright? a what? a fright turns her hair black

I got hit in the head with that flashlight when I was six and got stitches really? maybe the blow no no who knows what could happen but I had like I went to Florida one time and had to get rushed to the hospital in Florida because the skin on my arms

the sun burnt like first what's the worst skin burn you could have third degree first degree no no the lightest one like guys it was blistered and I had patches like I got burnt with acid on my arms really?

until I was about ten have you saw me? I had scars on both arms over here from the hole that the sun had burnt in my arms in Miami when I was about eight I went to karate and one day my mother

goes you have to take a shower at karate and I'll pick you up from there I got a fungus on my feet when I was eight they had to get taken to the hospital because it was pussing so by the time I was like ten I was allowed to take showers and nobody's house

really? couldn't go to swimming pools because my feet would get I was the type of guy that would get a rash yeah no no it's not my no no it wasn't my skin was just fucking weak rashes

fucking itches ringworm when I was twelve yeah man I was one of those fucking kids even though I bathed I put a special cream on every day and then once I started doing drugs my skin tightened up and here we are

something happened why do you think I got the fungi toe why do you think my feet look like they've been run over by a fucking truck because my skin I can't really take showers at places I gotta have the flip-flops on them even then harry even then

even then I get something on my feet like when I go to jujitsu I have to bring those things you know the soap I get the towelettes if you went down a girl would you do it like a shower curtain kind of thing no you know I love you

and I can't lie to you when I eat pussy I gotta eat it like a pillow I don't even want you to have a shield I want all the minerals if it's got something I want a blister if you don't get a blister on your lip

you ain't shit anyway that pussy ain't worth eating if you don't get like a blister under your tongue you get a little blister under your tongue from eating that monkey for like an hour no I guess I haven't been doing it that's the problem that's why I eat another star

it's time for a star put the siren on it's time for the siren what's the siren what's the siren it's that time look it's that time which Tony Bennett talks about that's hilarious

I'm gonna be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart what's the story you're gonna eat that star you're gonna stare at what is the story look you tried to pull a dummy on me

and you had to fuck him you threw a lot of sitting in your hand not a lot of getting in your throat you may as well let it be letting it dissolve but there you go it's just a regular Sunday night here on The Church ladies and gentlemen look at him look at him he's about to spit up

is it too much sugar I don't know it's seven calories a piece seven calories we ate a hundred calories we ate a bag of little chips always let me give him some shout out so a hundred calorie bags

Tomaslin Spagey James Kennedy Brad Ebert Meg my little Asian princess Locomotive, Jay Mack Arthur Cases 1971 Capital

and my main man Derek Nielsen do not forget I'll be at the Ice House Thursday night working out with Uncle Joey ten bucks you're in at eight thirty out of there by ten and we all have a couple fucking yuck yucks and you start the week off on a good tip top toe magoo

and the following week Friday and Saturdays four shows Levy Town oh shit governors there you have it cock suckers let me give you the other side of the coin now yeah I'll tell you what man first of all I

wait wait wait of what coin oh you okay I know what you're talking about the other side of the coin first of all yeah I missed you yeah I'm sorry about that I wrote you a letter no no no it's funny because I told you write me a letter right away but while you were gone I said that's very selfish of me

because I know what he's going through you know taking time away from your life is the same it's like me putting you in prison in Canada, New Jersey yeah you didn't do anything you were just free but you got away from this circle

yeah you disconnected yourself which is fucking tougher than death you know I know later on they found a hidden secret email I mean and all that shit which I could care less I didn't want to bother you by no means by no means I was concerned

about your parents if something would happen you'd be gone how bad you felt but they had a way to get a hold of you I sent them flowers one night one day you were checking them with them I know you have your own little way to check but I know you wanted to clear your head so I could care less I said a prayer for you I let candles for you you're out there

I thought you were getting your dick sucked did you want to go out there did you want to do something like that me? yeah when you heard that I was gone you're like yeah I would like to go somewhere no I was worried about you and I was I felt like De Niro and De Hanta eventually if something bad happened

I'd have to go over there and get you you know I didn't want you to end up it was weird about a week after you left yeah I'm watching TV one night and it's De Hanta it's about his what's his name he goes to Vietnam and he kind of loses it and while he's there he starts playing Russian roulette

oh yeah and he fucking gets good at it he's like one of the best in Vietnam or whatever the fuck he is and De Niro comes together one day you never saw it? no I never saw De Hanta I gotta say that huh De Niro De Hanta scene from my man Arisha Fiat

listen to me I was so high on stars like it was right before you know I gave up stars for Lent did you know that no I gave up stars how long is Lent 40 days yeah 40 days yeah it was a broadcast maybe a couple days before

that but what I did was I also like I went home one night I thought about you because I was watching this movie and in my head I'm like I'm gonna have to get a passport and go over there and get him he's gonna end up like fucking this Christopher Walken it was so

safe man no I know you were safe but the funny thing I know that's what everybody said like what if something happens to you but I'm like what do you mean you know like Joe asked about you I spoke to Duncan about you you know Tripoli asked yeah Tebow asked

you know it was weird I felt that the other people asking I mean I know what's his name loves you and all that good show this motherfucker let me see that I can't believe you've never seen this shit

this is what I was worried about Ari is this one with the nurses behind them no no watch this shit this is you and this is Uncle Joey go on and get you oh he's another big actor come on come on come on come on come on come on

come on that looks tremendous they've done some great work look at this dude ha ha ha oh How are you how are you this is brutal

who's the other guy is he just some new guy no that's what's gets Christopher walking does and is he new that's Ari is he new to the thing no he's going to get him and Vietnam Delero watch this shit you imagine this shit are you gonna be all right Nikki go ahead shoot fuck you motherfucker they run you're gonna die Ari this is it this is

these two guys grew up together oh my god they both went to Vietnam together and he stayed the hero goes home and goes back together this is brilliant though is one of the greatest movies to come out of the 70s there's one of the greatest movies oh my god this one they had an original idea look at this shit then I fucking around here come on come on how do you get so many bullets in there oh yeah this is my movies with movies go this is the movies movies kid this is real this is another one you need four fucking hours of your time this is another get so many

bullets in there what do you mean the one he was gonna shoot himself with he had like four shots of there no he knew I think he knew that he had one bullet he knew it was a shot one guy and one shot and created havoc and went for it fucking tremendous move was on that night and I was thinking about you what night oh I'm like it's fucking hurry over there Russian roulette with a bunch of Chinese people I didn't know what the fuck you were remember yeah I know China I know Hong Kong I know fucking Laos I was in those places where they did that stuff where no split yeah like it you know they

showed you no no but like those areas you know they just don't do it anymore did you see the girl sucky sucky any of those girls still at last time I just I steer clear of Bangkok it's gross it's the worst city it's just filthy there's little kids working like 2 a.m. Bangkok is disgusting it's good for like one or two days to see it and then just never go back all the fucking sex tourism is like so in your face that's what I have the chicks last night that's what I have kids and only thing yeah they buy kids yeah absolutely I can't it's just too much and they're all dirty the children and there's loose dogs about if

you were to stayed where else would you have gone oh okay well for sure the Philippines for sure yeah I mean it was right there I ran out of time I would have got with for sure gone by probably next have you been there before no didn't you go to kickboxing or something what talent I went to watch kickboxing in Thailand Thai Thai kickboxing did you yeah it was pretty cool they play this weird instrument yeah not this time no the time before I did though they'd walk through I guess this was too nice a place no you know I did gamble on cock fighting where Timor Leste was that East Timor it's fucking in Indonesia if

you keep going right in Indonesia it's like one of these islands is split in half like New Guinea and look like you know right in the middle and so this West Timor is part of Indonesia and then Timor Leste which means East Timor I guess cocaine heroin no come up to you now it's no people had no ice nobody came up to you with nothing exotic the whole time America come here we have sucky sucky pill nothing no no not once really that's that is crazy that is crazy not once I mean I got some stuff but nothing like crazy yeah everybody's on a fucking budget in hostels they don't have much like which is good time

for like drugs you said in your letter that the hostels did something to you like staying at the hostels yeah it was just so nice you make friends with people you just like lose your line of what you're like except and not accept because go down so fast you realize like who gives a fuck it's a bed it's fine it's fine just let me fucking sleep it's fine I have earplugs it's okay just let me put my head down people snoring fart that happens sometimes doesn't get this German guy fucked up on it I wasn't I hadn't fucked for like a month over a month and some German guy just fucking giving it to a chick the bunk bed above

me and one over so I could like look at the fucking bed moving the mattress and an occasional knee oh I'm so fucking horny God it was the worst but generally it's not that generally it's everyone's just polite and I had some fucking Chinese they're the worst at any point when you're in the fucking house you're like I don't need this shit I guess they had the four seasons I know I could I know I could but then I know I just be short changing myself but I would do it when I was like so if I'm in a city for a few days it's like I gotta meet people this is when you fucking meet people yeah but if I go through for one day let's say

I take a long bus to get to like an airport city and I get in like 7 p.m. 8 p.m. whatever you know then my my flight leaves the next day like 10 or 11 then it's like I'm not gonna meet anybody or do anything I'm just gonna go to sleep so it's like fuck it can be a hotel in a hot shower you know and then I fucking go to the airport and make friends the next place what's your next trip gonna be where you want to go I have an idea I don't want to get into it yet but I have an idea I gotta learn a couple languages too I want to learn some languages I learned a little tattoo and that last country I went to before I went it made

it easier now can you do me a favor and drop a package off in Cuba people are going to Cuba now can you go no you could go and do a show I could book a show for you at my cousin's bar wait you but you you would want to go at this point I do and see my sister and give her a yeah man this passport thing is getting out of control this attorney you can't get it you got it's open now he said that the thing is fucking so buried that the clerk said that she doesn't think the judge will look at it what just that cuz you have no passport no no no this is a come yeah cuz I have no passport but this is a I'm trying to

get more and squashed and it's just bureaucracy it just takes time and every time I gotta send a thousand bucks PayPal so it's it's you can't get it I hope I'll go right to Wilshire Boulevard I'll pay the 279 for a rush job and if you don't believe me I will take jet blue like a motherfucker straight to Cuba I walk in my factory to my cousin's fucking bar I'll drink on the arm and I will call Justin from the factory and go get such and such on the phone yeah I'm shooting a special human night yeah they could happen yeah for sure you should in Spanish in Cuba no no I would shoot in English on a Saturday

night when the Americans are down there for the weekend yeah and guess what I'll give a date where all church people could go down the fuck on the valley yeah yeah you might as well go down now this is special let's do it now oh that's by the way before I say anything else listen man like I told you guys for years that I don't know I'm not like regular people I hate the word fans this is a family we talk shit we learn from one another's you guys email me the connection is made at the shows we lost somebody really fucking cool really cool Mr. LaLingus out of Chicago you know my thoughts and the prayers of all the

church people please send them to Bob LaLingus his dad passed today and I loved the debt he's more than just a friend he's like family he came to the special and everything great family I just want to extend my love to your family Mr. LaLingus rest in peace sorry about that but he's a good dude so I just wanted to tell you how to go huh how do you go just some long issues he was older yeah so you're lucky you still got your family yeah parents your brothers yeah where's your crazy brother did you bump into him like in fucking Saigon or something no I was thinking of it I took his email address and every email

them I took his email address instead of for that got done early maybe I'll go through there go skiing with him and Swiss Alps you look right out there but no I didn't get done early so so I didn't see him you know I know you see him in the next month I know you a long time and I remember when you were the king of commercials and yeah I remember you and I talked to Lawrence the other day no you told me I remember you and I having intense conversations at four in the morning about people booking us and who helped us theatrically and you had a stiff for a while Ralphie's ex-guide moron and I had a moron it's just so

weird how you know you wanted all these things and you started this is not happening in a fucking room that didn't even serve booze I told the Pink Floyd story of Mark Marin and Steve Agee you know and all these things one in your direction you went to Montreal you taped a special and listen one day you wake up and you're like you know what man this is a lot more than what I bargained for I just wanted to crack jokes and be left alone like I wanted so many things for years yeah and we were the type of I don't want that fame I see some of those no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no listen I don't ever want I always I

told that story about the box on your special on your this is not so you know and it's so weird how I mean that's nice that's a nice little you know side effect of it that no I really do believe that that I drive a Subaru man yeah I'm a certain type of dude and that's a type of person I am and you know what man the thing that scares me is that you and I have seen people who came here for the beginning it was zeros yeah and all of a sudden they got a little money all of a sudden everything changed or how about them you know yeah I don't know if they lost their drive what they lost yeah lots of drive or something me I like

my ear in the fucking dungeon I like my spirit from time to time you gotta go to the comedy store from time to time you gotta go to different comedy clubs and you know you gotta if you're a real comedian if you were just a flash of the pan or somebody who did comedy as a means to an end yeah so you got a TV show bam we get it no worries but don't fucking go out on the weekends and take people's money and waste their time at least right you know at least we're out there banging it out and I'm doing three and I took a few nights out here yeah but people have no idea how much effort goes into this and listen you know I

remember 90 in 2000 fucking 98 Joe Rogan took me to the Riviera to do the show Friday and Saturday I got 200 for the weekend for two shows horrible and they gave me the cafeteria the fucking menu and the dungeon the dungeon the dungeon down the Riviera dungeon oh my god hurry up and wait and if you wait after 10 to eat you can eat with the regular people oh it was terrible the shows were great they were packed Rogan sold them out yeah but the highlight of the weekend was the guitar player from Guns and Roses slash how I saw him on the on the Southwest flight with us and I didn't say nothing I saw him at the

airport I didn't say nothing and then bam there he is at the hotel doing the signing I didn't say nothing and I went up to my room and I had no reefer Rogan didn't smoke then yeah they called Joe and they had a reefer I was like on my own I couldn't sleep and they have oxygen in the rooms they said that's why couldn't sleep so I went for a walk and was at the bar by himself with slash I started talking to a man and I go hey man you know I don't bother you but I'm a fan of yours it's great and we started talking about comedy cuz I had met him and I met our meds room years earlier he was there one night watching comedy and

he came by I said you guys were all funny you know who gives a fuck it was we were like doing comedy a couple years so I just reminded him there was nobody around him it wasn't like he had a chick with him it was a perfect time and we got through a conversation about Axel yeah and he goes when one of you the happiest he goes right now where he goes you're broke I go fuck yeah as we said to you yeah he goes he broke right now we're part of your comedy career and I'm go broke we both said laugh and he goes but I guarantee someday when you do start making money you'll think back to this time and figure how good of a time

you have it yeah because once you start involving attorneys it becomes a business a lot of people can't handle that business yeah he told me a fucking pretty good little speech he talked about actually goes that's why when you do work for free later on when you get paid you think about all that work you did for free that makes your life a lot easier yeah it doesn't feel like you can live on nothing you've already lived on nothing so it doesn't feel like you're getting something for free and also you want to become religious or whatever the fuck you want to become that's part of the training of becoming like an

independent artist it's not to live broke for like a lesson man we're not talking about some people read an article and they really believe it some people read their social media and they believe you know yeah yeah yeah people want to believe what they want to believe so you're never gonna change that you know it's just uh what the fuck it is I'm just happy that you went you came back and here we are you got your Netflix special yeah July 20 18th 18th sorry yeah July 18th 18th 18th yeah we remind them July 18th yeah we're in New York now this is a double special it's a twin special yeah what's the first one first

was called childhood okay children excuse me for some skull children you hate you for kids mostly for kids okay mercy aside yeah that day with mercy I could see you hate you for kids when you put it through the basketball net which is hysterical you just turned there over and put it to the hoop she didn't know what to expect but she loved it she loved you to death I could tell this motherfucker I don't like kids I've seen a bunch of people do things to kids never have I seen a guy slam dunk a child I like what she's jumping on the sofa I just rip her legs off of under oh yeah jump it just slams a head that's up the

sea cushions she doesn't give a fuck and she keeps waiting like it's a surfboard and then he just waits for the moment if you know if you know she loves you that she loved it she was picking your leg and grabbing yeah she's a savage no no that's in her blood that's over I noticed that a long time ago she likes being tackled yeah I'm happy there yeah and what's the second other half it's adulthood and that's like fucking stuff you get into when you're not like a fucking a dad and a husband you know the other way hold you know plans on children that's it you're a free bird I don't think so I don't want it I don't

want at all I don't blame you no listen nobody wants you plenty but God has a different plan yeah exactly you follow me that's trouble that's why it's trouble nobody wants it nobody about you I love these they're thinking about it as soon as they get pregnant me and we're gonna both get jobs and we're gonna make a little fortune after three years we're gonna start trying to have a child bitch you might have three cocktails at that pizza place around the corner at least sticks it in your cool-o and there you go you don't know when you're gonna have a fucking kid you really don't you really don't really don't if you don't

want a fucking kid you got to wear a condom and a condom after that and you got to dump them after three weeks because they're gonna start asking creepy questions you know I'm saying like yeah we're gonna start dating full-time because dating full-time means one Saturday we hold hands and we both go down to the sanitarium and get blood test to see if we have the hiv and if we both are clean we look at each other and go great we go condomless you know and start all over again yeah now you start fucking with that kid problem and you have that kid problem that she's on the pill but you know what the pill when

it's always you for some reason it's it works 99% of the time guess who's the 1% me everybody yeah everybody in America and get some but knock somebody up one time I did get somebody pregnant she told me later yeah later that was asked for anything she goes like like three years ago I got pregnant because of the pill didn't work I had to get an abortion it was way after the fact I don't know what to say you didn't give a flowers no I was like do you want money for the and she's like no that's so and I was like what do you I give that's so fucking embarrassing I gave her a high-five no you didn't yeah I was like

I don't know good job I mean and great way to take care of her what if she I didn't trust I didn't even know about it for three years I mean yeah she was way harder for her but I mean like good choice one for sure the right choice you want to bug it hell yes man all right it's that time you want the big meal no the big meal not this little one the little one kicks too hard it's like a little chili peppers and let's do a fucking meal shot here wait are you ready for the meal not really but sure why not together now we gotta get fucking give it nine o'clock nine o'clock we're good we're good yeah no I

don't want to get anybody pregnant Lee you want kids I used to think like definitely for sure I did yeah that's what we're talking about ladies and gentlemen now I'm not so sure really why not Jesus honestly just how expensive they are you think your kid would come out high like you would have it in his bloodstream so much it's definitely it's definitely a worry it's possible but no I mean Lee I'm so sorry we're gonna have to cut your your boys eyelids open they seem to be closed but that oh no no no it's just even before I moved out here people always thought I was high really

small eyelids I guess yeah I'm sure it's before or not now they know you know you're fucking hot we'll do a little one of these how about that Irish little yeah okay here you go killer I'll light it for you it's the moment on the church what's happening now he's on deck you should be over there like stretching issue you're as you're set tonight I should be I should be over here jumping over the table oh that's sick mule with that right there oh my god oh my god that is fucking killer you took it to the next level

oh my god are you gonna have to beat that one I don't think I don't want to know you guys are Jews and arms your heart stops you fucking look I'm telling you this weed makes you lose consciousness for like a minute what which is worse sorry this weed or the drinking your own pee this weed is worse than throat no Lisa you ready to go you going between us to what you go before me and after me and before him doesn't turn the podcast you know I'm gonna give you a little earthquake week thank you earthquake earthquake yes good why is it called earthquake because the was saving it no we're not

saving it we've never saved it joy what was the best weeds you've ever had the third eye for sure third I was tremendous what was the other one that was real good back then there was so many I mean we're all right we're living right here yeah this shit that I get that I don't even know what it is and it sits in the back room yeah and then one morning I wake up and I look at it and I go let me try it and I open it up and it's nice and dry and I smoke it I don't know who gave it to me I don't know why they gave it to me I don't know how to get a hold of this person now but that's what happens to me all the fucking time I

guess it's great fucking reefer and I let it sit for so long that it ferments you know I'm saying yeah they go get this to your buddy and here's a little leave I'm so happy for you Lee's going to town tonight Lee's not fucking around with a frown never down Lee's saying you ready to split a sugar cube no I'm not spilling it why can't I even get a full sugar cube what if you want a full sugar cube yeah we got one as well let's do it so no no no no we're not stillish I'm thinking if I'm gonna do no let's do it fuck it it's Sunday night my my fucking day is wide open let's do it it's Sunday night live my life go

what do you undo you're gonna stay at home and play video games I don't play video games give them the light we are we should feel let's do this shit Lee and keep it over them because if not he'll cheat he's breathing in just take it as a big shot you get a chance at it still no no keep stay with him stay with him stay with him stay with him stay with him stay with him okay okay pull it pull it get there now get there you're almost there get there son get there you go there you go he's a son you've earned it no that wasn't a good one look that's a half a faggot that was not very much that's not he always does that you

breathe too slowly that's why he does it he does half a half yeah he does it on purpose you're burning it too slow I've been telling me he's got a super seldom he don't believe me give me that let's give me a long power look how much green there is I know okay you're not interested in your salad leave that's a problem come in give me that so much green left yeah he's he wants to fuck around because it's you over this I'm not fuck what are you doing fucking around fucking around this you've done this to yourself yeah you fucked up you just got a fucking huh yeah okay so you want like a really huge

breathe it all that hard fine clear that thing oh my Jesus there comes the torch of death here oh my gosh stay right there don't go nowhere stay right there don't go nowhere stay right there don't go nowhere breathe out of your nose breathe out of your nose breathe out of your nose keep sucking keep sucking let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go now go go go for broke go fuck suckin get there get there almost almost almost you're not close you're not close let it go let it go you're not close so much left the other one I thought you could make this one at some point there's no way we're

gonna make it you think you're playing you play with people you don't think I know see the guy finished that you gotta be an animal you gotta finish that right there I can't open my left eye right now you gotta get that smoke before it does hurry up Lee and just pick up the valve that's it hurry up no don't do that to it's stagnates yeah you can both you can look at all that way go ahead go ahead just hit it just hit it there you go yeah don't throw up oh my god don't throw up oh you still have some left I'll just be honest though he's still swirling a bit he super says swirling a bit he's alright let's go but he's super

sit there he goes he's fine oh my gosh are you gonna throw up oh you look like you're about to have you thought up on this podcast before yes oh my gosh one time but no we did oh my gosh that makes it right after chocolate mushroom position away I'm doing Dorian rain was you yeah we've got wow he didn't know what he was he kept thinking he kept saying he didn't want to go to hospital his eye was stuck but you know what he's tougher than most motherfuckers what's his name right out of here in the whole park and walked around and hit on Benjamin he hit trees he saw the light of day listen we've had some fucking casualties here

but listen it's all in good fun who left you had to go to hospital Ada Ada left here went home she had to go to the hospital by Driggs yeah and in the morning she told the doctor goes man I've never done that before that we go so sure you have you walk out of the room you know it was funny with her she was the best because she had done like a half a bomb hit and we were having a great conversation yeah me and him are eating stars fucking around like I you know I taught them the whole night we're back and forth and finally she looked me straight in the face I said can I have one and I go yeah she reached out took

it ate it and then fucking then we kept talking here for a couple minutes and and next thing you know hurry I could see her switching gears no way like I saw it like dog listen I like fucking around like I haven't given a get out I like having a good time there's some people who can handle certain things because they've done them before like I don't I don't get mad kamikaze you've been there before and I don't get mad kamikaze only but you can't kamikaze like some of you doesn't get what does kamikaze mean like give somebody 1200 milligrams when they don't get hot yeah if somebody gets high and you do acid you do mushrooms

and yet that you know what who gets a fuck give them 300 rockers world nothing's gonna happen to you know what's her name said cat what's her name cake condit clearly cat quickly no condit was it was saying that she goes you gave a star to somebody one night and somebody gave it to me and she goes I had two beers and I ate the star and she goes I was walking down the hallway at the comedy store and she goes I never felt nothing like that in my life before Joe I had heard through the grapevine people I called me up and said hey man did you give Kim condom a star that's not I go no I saw her at the store and they go man

she was fucked up on one of your stars so I bumped into her the other night and she told me the fucking story what happened to it I felt terrible what you did that night you know that there's you sit in the front bar just like put her head down I wasn't there I left I went home on the next day I heard stories then red man said yes she ate one of your stars she was squinting when she talked to people she could only see out of one I don't mind kamikaze in motherfuckers but not somebody who doesn't get high that's not yeah yeah that's not right yeah well you didn't try to but yeah so if you disappear again you're gonna disconnect

all fucking avenues again yeah this can that's the way to do it does connect everything that's the way to do it sometimes people you know man sometimes life moves a little faster than what you want it and nobody nobody ever has the balls most people go how can I take a break I've worked my whole life to get here they're like what if you miss something I'm gonna miss what are you gonna miss just say I'll do it later or then I'm not here to get someone else crazy the strength you had cuz I know I can never do it like especially now when a child yeah you know eight years ago when it was just me and Terry right now

at this point in my life January how I felt yeah I could see myself going to Cuba and renting a house for six months that'd be fun to learning how to speak Spanish over and going to where they buried my father and going to where they buried my grandmother and my grandfather and taking lead out for a few weeks and putting it on tape and going to my cousin's bar on the weekend and just do comedy there Friday and Saturday and host the open mic if they have one whatever you know just fucking like I said on the weekends there's so many tourists from all over that go down there that you could do kind of I

know that on Fridays and Saturdays for sure my cousin has a DJ down there every Friday somebody popular like Bismarck key or something they go down there on Fridays and Saturdays what's his name was in there you know the man with the check what's it Beyonce JZ JZ yeah they all go down there and the what really I like fucking with people I like fucking with people so nobody started really asking questions about you till the end of January oh really oh yeah by the end of January for like three days I was like you know damn he didn't write me a letter and I just said to myself you know what man he had so

much on his mind God knows what the fuck he's doing I just hope God's watching them or whatever and my wife said you got some crazy letter there and I looked at it was you and I didn't read it right away really no I put in my office and I read it that night how nice when I was more relaxed and I smiled and the next day I called Justin and I told him and then I told my called Eric and I told me instructions you had on there oh yeah and there was funny for days after that I kept getting calls and you know like they were really they wanted to know but I don't know if it was concerned it was just really weird you

know they're not in here nothing for a while and then one day I went to the store and they pulled me aside and they go Harry was spotted on Facebook it was like you had become the guy from Boston what's his name whitey bulge is like he became whitey bulge you know my phone lit up the next day everybody was hit me he came up on Facebook he looks well what the fuck do you know are he looks well you don't say you mean like not in a torture yeah yeah like he looks well there's a change around my wrist I could find it I didn't even bother looking for it got tagged by somebody hiking or something and then about another two

weeks later there was a sighting again you were like Hannibal like that there was a sighting in Vienna or some shit you know oh they were fucked and then you sent somebody else a letter and now that really drove him crazy and the letter you mentioned you didn't know if you were gonna come home for the some festival oh my god all of a sudden three of my phones rang at the same time managers agents produces do you know if Ari's coming back for the festival in Nashville hilarious you had him on the ropes for a couple of weeks so they were fucking petrified so I would get smoke signals on a daily have you heard from Ari is he

gonna go to Nashville and I'd say listen if he doesn't go are you guys in shock I was begging for you not to come back if you would have called me and said what do you think I would have said don't come take the under stay another month don't come back because I was fucking with them over here you had them in shock so what happened was you pick up you abandon ship and all of a sudden gave realaceous like the number four guy at CA comes in and goes I'm quitting they're all concerned everybody's quitting right I'm surprised he didn't start like negotiating on Ari's behalf for like the gig for like oh my god 10 more

fucking I could gave real was like fuck that yeah let me get out of here if this was 10 years ago if this was 12 years ago I could have put together a plan where they would have given me money like in a wire to me listen I need 10,000 to come back you could swindle off I gave it to him oh you know how he's been he didn't show no no no would already see any of it oh sure I could start tormenting them I would start tormenting them at the beginning of February about the festival in Nashville and I would start like hitting them up everything I got

an email from Ari what did it say it said that he's doing the festival okay good we'll start booking it and I will call on the next day and go listen I got an email from Ari doesn't look good he's gonna go to Bangkok and he wants to join wrestling school so he's not gonna make it to Nashville I would just do that for a month to like March cam listen Ari can't happen to his bank account he doesn't want nobody know where he's at but send me 2,500 I could have got them every two weeks for 2,500 that's how desperate are you coming back good got it for a little piece oh yeah oh yeah a little

piece of the track down the first money okay they can get through it they had to go through another hoop yeah 20 just a little bit more yeah no you can say whatever the fuck you want it was crazy that's how crazy you are they were waking up every morning never came back no if you would have hit me up on an email and said what do you think I would have said stay there another month but send them an email every day and tell them you're coming right like fuck with them and the day of before the festival hit him up and go my playing guy shot down in Bang Loy see you guys next month yeah just make up a name they would

have never known for Shelby Beck Montreal just because they were so cracked about the Gabriel thing everybody in general was cracked about the Gabriel thing and now you're over there being kung fu providing fucking house and help for people dude I could live 15 years oh I know you without ever working I was gonna ask there it was so cheap I could live 15 years easily I even really thought about it exactly how much do you think it would come easily to like for like rent and in get a place it's got to be cheaper than staying in hostels right to actually get a place if you can go long-term yeah that's what I mean

that's what I've heard I've just heard it like well I don't know a little expensive flights are expensive but you don't say flights you take buses how much everybody goes anywhere did you have you ever stayed in a hotel on these places cuz yeah so how much is like a decent hotel a night an okay place is like between like 25 and like 55 but most of the time it's like it's like 20 25 we split hotel rooms for like 12 each yeah well yeah well I mean even each even in San Diego they're 200 a night so yeah yeah to just be able to cut it by four yeah but it's like it's like it's fine whatever you get it's like this is fine

it's not it's nothing good and for something like good where it's like oh this is comfortable have your own nice shower okay yeah maybe that's like 40 or 50 bucks it's not terrible it's not terrible no you can get it whenever you want and then sometimes you can go like more but 40 50 bucks I'll get it done I said a decent nice one actually in in Chiang Mai northern Thailand I hope that finally once yeah because you got a nice hotel you got a spring for it up no it's gonna happen you're like we're not gonna do this in a dorm and like I have the money for a hotel room let's go to a fucking hotel room so you get it and

you just wasted the eight you spent at the hostel but then you go get a $35 one it was about that $35 nice place nice shower okay sleep for a few hours I'm surprised you went to hostels that's like I've been to free hostels in Israel and were you really yeah then the one in Jerusalem like where they kick you out and they want you to go to what you think of them I mean they were they were nice it's definitely okay but it's just I I I snore so I'm self-conscious yeah so I don't want to fucking anybody's day up yeah I can hear that you know when you told me you were first doing this thing at first I thought of the pocket and

missed opportunities I mean you've worked hard you've gotten a couple good films your movies running on the airplane now I saw it once in a plane to get ahead of me yeah yeah yeah so that's good I saw it like one up and I saw that scene I did I was about to just watch that that's the only way I watched it I just sit on there like cool look at it's crazy it's crazy it's playing on airplanes and that's all I looked at it like that at first and then I looked at it as a person who's lived here for 20 years been lied to yeah things you know people this this this and for one day they'd say you know what I have the the

power to tell you's all to suck my dick I'm going to Israel for six months to learn how to write letters on the fucking wall and yeah it's so peace of mind in this business is so fucking important and if you lost your mind at one time and you've gotten it back and all sudden things start to rattle and roll for you again you realize how happy you are that you've gotten over that hump that you didn't buy into it like people like Justin remember when what's the name got here she was crazy who the crazy girl then she went to Vegas and now you don't even hear about her anymore shama no not shama the other girl the other crazy

girl the girl that dances the young girl Britney Spears Britney Spears Britney Spears got here with girls from Louisiana she had alligators in the back she didn't go crazy she fucking wise up man no no she wise up but in the beginning yeah remember she shaved the head yeah that's what I'm talking about what's his name she figured out she's like fuck you people but what yeah yeah once you figure it out get out of here she shaved her head in front of people you figure you this is what you like you figure it out that it's all of they're all blown smoke up your ass and everybody has a handout and trying to make a

dollar for me nobody really has your health or your mental health and you could lie tell me I'm lying to you I could look you in the face yeah and say listen man I only want to go out once a month they don't give a fuck don't call you three days late it's fucking crazy nobody gives a fuck it's fucking crazy you know they keep trying to talk you into doing one stuff and then they start on Friday when you're on the road it's the fucking thing I said when I'm ready I'll tell you I've got nine we I got one two I got one two two weeks and two weeks off and I got a call the other day to do radio for July 16th the other day

like are you fucking retarded like they sent me a list of shit what I wanted to do what I wouldn't want to do I go first of all I have no idea what I want to do that we what if fucking Lisa act gets a show on fucking whatever and I got to be a co-star in it I don't fucking know I gotta tell you what I want to do for radio now and you sit down I haven't even gotten on a plane to this city and all of a sudden somebody else is like I thought I hate when I get I could be here Monday through fucking Thursday morning and every day I got three emails to them from Fleming Steakhouse the rest is one person I give a fuck about yeah dog I

got on a plane Thursday morning yeah I get off the fucking plane I look at my emails I got four fucking emails from sponsors yeah who want to change that copy I got 10 emails from fucking the agency what hotels do you want to stay at in July or August it's fucking June you know questions that really don't matter and why didn't you ask me when I was in front of my fucking computer on Monday to Wednesday you couldn't fucking ask me so I understand man why you did it once you were gone I missed you like I said but I was cheering for you I'm like fuck it he should just stay there to whatever now let's say this Netflix

special comes out this comes out worldwide yeah when you go to the world wide you could walk into a bungalow let him know I wish your fears in town Wednesday I'm splitting the door with your 5050 I'm doing the show yeah exactly even if you get 50 people you don't give a fuck no I'd go play places yeah hey for the hotel rooms yeah this is ever you'll sustain myself go see things that would be a fucking great adventure take leave what you're having tape yeah take it yeah take those little things into look bro who knows yeah who knows what CMT or by anymore can you imagine you take leave with you 10 different Asian countries

and do stand up in five of them and bring it back and they go to a pitch meeting we don't get this show hold on one second hit it Lee Lee hits the button also that you and Lee in the jungles of Bangkok and that night you're at a bar shaking your fucking a butt and they're like what the fuck is this we'll buy this right now take leave with you and but don't take them zip lining cuz Lee broke this I did not break a fucking place before I'm happy you're back brother I'm happy you're healthy yeah you look healthy you're not good man not much processed food I think really maybe was your diet mostly rice way ricey

everything's over rice especially the last like 45 days at least did you feel anything different like you feel the carb change or something maybe I just started to shred down a little bit and then I had too many beers and early on and then that got like Chang wait let's put on that Chang wait how long did you stay sober from marijuana all through Myanmar all through Myanmar all through Myanmar and you felt great then yeah and I honestly I had the last piece of one thing and I when I last it was like I'm leaving Myanmar tomorrow and I had this and I gave it to somebody fucking buddy I was like hey you're gonna be here

longer I'm not gonna take it across the border but like you know do it when it's time I didn't want to do it fucking clear-headed a little bit it's good to clear-headed yeah it's good to drop everything yeah full month I didn't do it in Chiang Mai I must have smoked in pie over a month over a month did you do any work what do you what do you talk what work oh you mean stand-up work anything oh no you mean labor no no no like like did you do like what the feels any writing any any anything you would have to do here or did you take everything off I ain't no house servant I can't imagine

you picking rice in the field you didn't write it was kept did you keep a journal yeah I kept a journal daily yeah after like the first like 10 12 days first it was just like a note or two and then it was like every 10 12 days just full entry every day just like kind of like remembering stuff I don't know taking stock in what you went through you know just like oh yeah that happened yesterday that was cool it's weird fucking soccer matches with people both kids it's fun man so fun out there were you scared the like the first couple days at all or no yeah hell is scared my plane stopped through San

Francisco yeah real scared I didn't know what to think I didn't know to make those people they seem so different I thought they're all gonna fucking roll me any places where you went where they talked about ISIS or anything no no not at all Indonesia they had Muslims but it wasn't like that at all but they did have Bali bombs not too long ago two bombs went off but I think that was even before or maybe since 9 11 but it wasn't the like latest one in the world it was like 10 years ago maybe 2007 but like you know not not any more than any other place what about the meet you ain't cuz Joey always yeah tortures me

intense I'm eating cat I really don't want to eat cat there's full dog on one menu let me explain how the war rooms work it's like you know the pizza shelf where it just you point to a slice and they warm it up so instead they have like slices of meat either be for chicken or fish or one-time dog and they have a chopped up and cooked and it's in the window and they don't heat it up at all though that's whatever temperatures it just stays there for for who knows how long and then they just put that over hot rice oh did you eat the dog I did not eat the dog why that because it was cold yeah I'm not gonna try fucking

cold dog the first time you didn't tell you what type of dog it was and would that made a difference like there's so many out there before they told what dog yeah if it's they said I don't name that make it feel bad but there's like 20 light strays everywhere there there's like fish they're just stray dogs they they had they need to eat meat so they eat the fucking stray dogs and you see the dogs hanging upside down like no she fully told me it was chopped up like what's that and I thought she said duck and she kept correcting me saying dog see at least they tell you they tell you that I'm

just having a yeah yeah yeah well they can't tell you here refer they can't tell you here because it's against the law yeah they're totally fine but they're since they've been doing it for 2,000 years they're not gonna stop killing dogs yeah so in the morning that's why they leave for work early they circle the neighborhood and there you go sleeping dogs sure and whatever they gotta round up it all goes to the same recipe you put a pigeon together would you eat dog if if it was hot out of the oven I'm talking like fresh juicy looking meat over hot rice delicious like home cooked like a meal but at a

restaurant I mean steams coming out of it you can smell the fucking delicious meat I don't know Jesus Christ it's hard well that frickin went to San Francisco and what if that was the only meat on the menu so not that there's nothing else to eat but if you want to eat anything with protein that's your only choice what about there what are the other options like broccoli oh fool broccoli toad no no tofu no tofu no so I'll definitely broccoli just broccoli yeah fuck yeah I'll definitely broccoli over dog sorry just broccoli just plain old broccoli and I know it doesn't make any sense so

just the same animal okay okay okay one step further now one step further easy easy one step further what if now no broccoli okay just just dog and rice oh yeah easy just rice just rice okay okay okay okay okay okay okay well I think the next step is gonna take away the rice so then it's just dog that's your only choice really for the meal today for a for a one day just one meal just one meal late yesterday you ate I'll just one meal yeah but wait but you ate like early as yesterday and didn't have breakfast and it's already like three or four p.m. and it's hot out of the oven and it's so tender what are you

right there if you want to use with the hog I don't even know they've all sour it's a fresh spices oh or just flat fresh cuz it's just delicious meat it's almost like a steak where you don't need anything on it it's so it'll melt in your mouth that's how that is the only thing that deters me from taking a trip to visit that want to eat dog no any of the hunger any of that those venues discuss this constantly I would die my sister's in Vietnam on the side of the road just oysters and I'm like fuck yeah put that on the girl give me one of those give me one of those orders and I was fine I was so risking it dude

when I went to San Francisco 85 I met Mario Harbor Cubans yeah people got in Mariel and 79 they were the Cubans that Fidel emptied the jail and dumped on the United States sent them to Miami and also the in Miami murders went up because these people were savages but not to deter this and I met a kid and he was telling me how the whole thing had gone down at that time in San Francisco 85 San Francisco and in the tenderloin headed like a two block Cuban community yeah of all Cubans that came over in 79 now they had developed and they still weren't getting jobs and they were on the streets they ran like two streets they

sold nickel bags they sold fake IDs they bought hot travelers checks shit like that they didn't really they weren't big time criminals and nothing but since I could speak English I can help them so I became tight with them and there was one kid in particular I started talking to and I go so how did it go down he told me that there was something and he was a civil engineer this kid I met him selling nickel bags and block and I asked him what did you do because that's when I started getting this history from these people yeah and I asked him what did you do in Cuba and he told me what he was and in my mind I'm like how can you be a

civil engineer and you're out here selling fucking coke and asking this but he's telling me all these stories and then he started telling me a story about how the biggest I go home was it easy to get on a boat he goes to boat and everything was easy it was the paperwork that was hard you had to go to the embassy and he goes listen bro for six days you couldn't get off the line people were shitting and pissing in bags and water bottles so he goes and he told me a graphic fucking story about a guy that had a fucking dog and the people kept telling listen man that dog is looking mighty tasty the kids like please he's

my dog and they're like listen we haven't eaten in days and they started messing with the kid mess with the kid kids started crying some guy came took the dog from to the dog broke the dog's neck oh Jesus where is this where the fuck in a van during the embassy yeah he goes the guy slit the dog open three or four Cubans came over right in front of the kid they put bricks down and they started barbecuing the fucking dog what right on the fucking grill they were like there was no food you were on a line for four days and you couldn't get off the line and there's this kid with a fucking dog was that happening right now

like pan no no no no this is what happened in Cuba was 1979 was that Fidel no it's taken up 19 so just Yahoo Google a van in 1970 Mario Harbor situation and let's just read on what happened right no no these Cubans were and they were all prisoners of Castro people who opposed a certain government like if you didn't go to work one day if you played little position right you weren't the opposition really Castro was throwing you in jail for being Jewish because he didn't trust you because on that day he didn't trust fucking Jews right so now you're in jail for 20 fucking years he let those people out and

those people were fucking best and they were full fledged criminals like here you go to a jail and you get a bed and a car and life is okay three squares there yeah it's every man from himself you and Liga be brothers and I'm in the cell and every morning instead of three breakfast is coming in one comes in guess what are we're fighting for that fucking egg oh yeah you know that's that's so we can either fight and kill each other or we can split the breakfast in three either way we're gonna starve yeah they make you an animal in those jails but he was telling me that story how they kept telling the kid kid

that dog is looking mighty good and the kids like come on you guys are silly you know something I play in two days later like kid that dog's gotta go yeah it obviously seems fucked up but if I was put in that situation like you've had to not even for days then you what then you were yeah then you what would you enjoy it after your eighth ninth 10th 11th time trying it I was thinking deliciously seasoned that if it was gonna be anyone to cook dog like having it being Cuban it probably was better hmm pressed sandwiches I'm just gonna say like actual spices as opposed to just like so I don't want to just salt on

pepper needs to be spicy can you blow that up a little bit the front line the top one quickly says that it says 10,000 Cubans tried to get a sound by taking refuge on the Peruvian embassy the Cuban government announced anyone who wanted to go could do so the ensuing match immigration organized by Cuban Americans with the agreement of President Fidel Castro arriving on refugee Cuban jealousy and there it was it was discovered response to the immigrants and then it was discovered that a number of refugees had been released from Cuban jails mental health facilities the Mario Boliv was ended by

mutual agreement between the two governments and late October 1980 after as many 125 Cubans 225 thousand Cubans had reached Florida that was a complete bullshit it was more like 200,000 oh really it was fucking crazy was people just coming over and rafts from Cuba it was a hundred twenty five thousand let's let me tell you what it became then it became what anything becomes it immigrants 125,000 to attack the shores on rafts yeah no no no speedboats oh really because you were forming go pops you were calming go Joey I'm done I'm not sitting here Fidel opened up the jails get me out of here where are you

I mean come away on the eastern coast there's a boat thing called whatever I'll be here at this number and you would sit by that fucking payphone and play phone tag with me and I would have to go to Miami rent the boat and make sure we get the cube on the boat to where you are and then bring the boat back that worked for a few days and then people started saying Ari come on give me five thousand I'll take you to go get Lee and once I got Lee he I get you and I said I'll shoot you in the fucking head of what if you don't give me an extra ten thousand dollars oh no what's that Lee this is the breakdown of what they're

saying came per month from April 21st they had almost 8,000 and then it was 90,000 20,000 and this is 79 I believe so yeah this is 79 20,000 what who had people from Cuba to Miami wow it was it was crazy hitting the shores hit the shores illegal or legal legal legal because we were like hey anybody wants in right Fidel was letting them in all the prisoners were like sorry we'll take off take them he opened up his prisons his mental institutions and he let off the fucking worst criminals everybody tangled up with good people you want people over there go ahead here's a doctor and stuff and wow yeah we learned

the big lie everybody learned the big lie I don't even know what we're talking about it but that's what had happened and it's crazy because you see when you see Scarface and they're on the bus he chastises him for not town the story right that he was in a mental institution in Cuba do you remember that scene he's like tell him you were I told you to tell him you went an institution yeah another sanitarium and he was no no you told me to tell those in the sanitarium you know I told him to tell him you're a TB and you were in or whatever and he goes you should have shut your mouth they would have thought you were a horse

sorry so July 18th double fucking cd special event double special double special yeah on Netflix called double negative first off I'm happy you're back thank you I'm happy you're at the store it's good to see you thank you very much and nice time at dinner was very good wasn't it um oh yeah man that that belonged me is yeah bolognese yeah it was good you sat there with a little coke spoon pulling Parmesan cheese I felt like David Bowie of the bolognese I couldn't fucking know you just sprinkle sprinkle sprinkle just sprinkle sprinkle you just don't tell him chill until the 23rd chill until the 23rd no dates no way not in the rest of

you are you don't you're back in New York back in New York what are you doing at Skankfest I don't know I'm judging naked roasts okay um and who's doing the naked roast a bunch of people women too yeah women too yeah everybody's up there you're doing it I'm judging and naked yeah of course obviously tremendous sorry yeah it never ends with you my balls are too saggy that's why it's the way you got the shots and everything just in case you step on a nail with fucking fungi nailing and and what else you got that's it you know taking the I was doing the Joker's cruise hanging out with those guys in November yeah I'm taking everything what's the Joker's cruise you know with Sal and those guys and when do you leave

where do you leave from New Orleans and where do you go I don't know some place for how long I don't know it's a cruise five to five days okay I've never done one before living the life of Riley yeah I just like to hang out by a lounge chair well you know me though you're my brother yeah I wish you nothing but luck no matter where you go you're always family to the podcast and we're just happy to have you yeah I'm just happy to stay home for a little while do fuck all you know what man what right now in comedy you're in the right to do whatever the fuck you want and that's why I tell people all the time you know they be comparing a bunch of things I say you know what man I've got to be honest with you wow I don't even think about that stuff what I don't

even think about any of that stuff about what I could be doing maybe I should be doing this I'm very happy doing what I'm doing if I was supposed to be somebody else I would have been not being somebody else do you know what I'm saying yeah I'm like enough enough with the fucking pattern they had for comics all through the years that was a very much take a comic burn them out and then fucking toss them to the side now the guy wakes up one day when he's 50 he's got no resume and he's walking around town he can't even get spots at the comedy store yeah you've seen that right yeah a bunch of times a bunch of times so now we're because of the things like the podcast and we have our own vehicles we don't fall into that trap man I'm doing what I

want to be doing I'm doing a podcast and stand up that's all I want to be doing at this point if you write a role for me and it's cool just to cover my insurance I'm there if you put me through a bunch of hoops if I got to drive to fucking Riverside and put suntan lotion on you're in no fucking danger if you're not shooting a mile away you're in no fucking danger anymore I don't want to shoot nothing what if it's gonna make your shit worse where they're like that's half finished they're like all right it's good enough come on you're like no no no you know there it's like I'm interested in doing something different I would love to recur on a tv show right now would you really what kind of tv show compared to something what kind of half hour comedy a

hospital that one that one show would you do that that children's hospital oh yeah he would do that yeah well it's 15 minutes that's 15 minutes yeah so there's not much to do on those two days a week I would like to recur on something that I shot at CBS Redford yeah that the people knew me oh the lot it was Joey no no no no that the people knew me like like I knew him from the store from 15 years oh yeah yeah that'd be funny they come up to me when they go listen can we talk to you in the kitchen at the store and you're like yeah what's up we got a show on CBS Thursday nights at 8 30 we my partner and I have discussed it we talked to the brass at CBS we got your little gig six weeks or six weeks six seven episodes we'll pay you a little extra Joey we can't have the

reef or in the periscope fucking the little Jewish kid with you those fucking stars at that you know what I take it but if they dug me like that and I looked at them and said what if what if on the way to the studio I bumped into somebody I took a hit of that joint would that be cool we'd accept that you know and can you shoot me out quick because after three hours I got a smoke though we're gonna shoot you out first you know I would consider doing it yeah if it's a friend of mine and he understands and he knows like listen bro when do you have to be out of here by your family you hired me you're paying me between you and I I don't have to be out of here till Wednesday or midnight because all I need is three hours of sleep I get on a fucking plane

yeah and I'll sleep when I get to the hotel room there for two hours it's an 8 30 show on a Thursday night it's only one show you eat a few stars you come back to your hotel room you wake up you do radio Friday morning you tip top my goop you eat breakfast you come back you take another nap till two you write a little bit you go to the gym and you do your two shows and that's your Friday night seriously I if you came to me with an interesting show yeah that we could do for Netflix or something that people would really watch something cool something cool and you really want to meet Joey we're gonna have some nice shoots but you know what brother it's good to have you around I'm gonna give you a big trailer you can do whatever the fuck you want

I mean don't shoot heroin yeah you know I am but if you want a small dome take a walk like a professional I'm like I'm gonna be mad at you I know you work good with those type of things yeah yeah but if I'm gonna go to CBS and they're just gonna watch me and I can't have weed on my breath like biggie in 85 95 and now I'm not interested anymore I'm too old it's gotta be loose I gotta do one of your takes I gotta do one of the producers takes and I do one of my takes what do you mean like if we're gonna shoot this thing for you the right way if it's gonna be comedy yeah give me the respect to give me one take what do you mean let me tell you all the lines my way all right right right I'm gonna do one for Lee I'm gonna do one for you because it's your

fucking show this how you want it but I have an idea can we want it one time like that Ari and you're gonna go you know what Joey I like that just say the first two words and cut that out boom and also we all collaborated everybody's happy like I'm one of those guys I mean yeah yeah but don't sit there and go oh she just came over Joey and said you have to say was Ari was uh what's the difference I know but this is CBS and you know what I'm saying I don't want I don't want to do that I'm too old yeah with someone I like I have see yeah you know and I hate when people go well nobody watches I have say who gives a fuck nobody watches anything yeah nobody really watches anything yeah so they let you go and do whatever you

want yeah there's so much vast entertainment out there at your fingertips that people put everything in the checklist and they might get to you yeah because every week there's their their budget watching yeah and what are they doing they binge watching yeah from Friday to fucking Sunday budget watching yeah then it's over at no time yeah so by the time they get to you there is so much content available to you now yeah with all without money with or without cable you have so much content available to you now that now you're overstimulated you can't watch everything that's coming out you know I was reading that they're having a dismal summer in fucking uh in uh show business this summer like if it wasn't for Wonder Woman the numbers were staggering sure what did

most Americans do last Friday Lee what do you think fucking 60% of Americans did last Friday stay in and watch and watch watch watch what oh this is the house of cards what do you say I know orange is the new purple also got released yeah so most people last week if house of cards came out Friday and fucking orange is the new purple came out Saturday black yeah black is the new purple yeah what movie what movie are you gonna go fucking see for 35 hours with your girlfriend black is the new purple no you're not you're gonna stay home and watch Netflix oh there ain't no movie this week unless you watch Wonder Woman season that I don't know I don't watch that show but to Americans yeah I'm telling you right now that most Americans go lose do I really want to go see

this movie at the movie theater for 1750 a piece 15 for parking popcorn dinner at the Japanese restaurant we could just order a fucking pizza get a bottle of wine fucking suck how much eight episodes orange is the new purple dude the last two weeks was episode family and then house of cards yeah family I gotta get on that yeah how are you gonna fucking give me a bottle of water eight dollars a month please I'm begging you listen to this there's nothing on it I'm gonna give you how much how much TV did you watch or did you try to avoid staying in fucking zero man the first night there turn on the TV never again three and a half months oh you know man the good thing was you went there to take a break from everything and you took a break from yeah I got so fucking

rested you know nothing to do no responsibility no responsibility whatsoever I know where I go wherever the fuck you want to go I know where I put your leather so one day you want to see it but it's funny I could tell in the letter that you were excited about starting over again like your character yeah like you were done and like that was interesting line that you're staying at hostels and in the back of my mind I know you could stay at a motel six in any fucking city in the nation yeah but for some reason you wanted to pay your dues you wanted to be a human being again you know I'm saying yeah you just wanted to do things to start over and I got it I got it after that I was like ah there's a fucking normal thing yeah or Jesus Christ yeah no no no no some fucking yeah

line we're all going here take a picture move on please to here oh brother I'm happy you're back I'm happy you put the special together in Netflix yeah it's pretty cool man that's the way I wanted it like a double thing together you know where it's like the one in start watching the next one or take a break for a day but it's like you'll see they're both connected sort of to each other it's fucking good and you shot them both in cap city in Austin yeah yeah yeah I'm happy yeah that's a great pull up we rebuilt the stage I'm happy that bong got to you brother oh my god yeah that first bong fucking killed you tonight third Tony I'm happy you're back I'm happy you're smoking some California buds do not forget people this Thursday night Uncle Joey

working out with Uncle Joey Pasadena at the ice house 8 30 and then the 23rd and 24th I will be at levy town governance two shows Friday two shows Saturday in and out no drama you know just working at baby boy that's it I want to thank Ari for coming back on but before I get Ari off here I gotta tell you people something tell us people follow those days around the corner tushy.com tushy hello tushy.com you know why because the days are back you don't have to walk around the sun is coming humidity is lurking around the corner you know what that means swamp ass swamp ass you go out at night without a shower your asshole stinks of real reflection hemorrhoids bacteria nobody wants that you're sitting there all day it's a fucking nightmare

tell them Ari the sweat and the juices tell them about the hemorrhoids tell them about the hemorrhoids and you can't sit down it's amazing you know why hello tushy.com that's why you don't have a bidet you try to rub that filthy fucking ass with old fucking tree that they got from communist china somewhere they got from barter with chemicals and then you wonder why your asshole looks like it fucking like it got shot in which a lego a lepo your asshole looks like a lepo you understand me you know why your asshole looks and smells like a lepo hello tushy.com is here to help you out it's a it's a it's a it's a a bidet tell them Lee a portable bidet what does that mean portable we're portable that you would take it on the road you could you absolutely could if you want to

take it on the road or take it from your mother's bedroom but that's what you really mean you go to different rooms different bathrooms yeah but you usually get a bidet okay it's attached to the floor you need certain plumbing with this you attach it to your toilet in the bathroom you can attach it within seven minutes you can be sitting on a thing getting water i did butt spray a bunch up there yes you did fucking cold hose butt spray man and does it change your life but it does it was fine it was fine i think that's what it did because i bleed i stopped fucking bleeding out of my ass this is what i'm saying to you i know for a fact as soon as i got back it started up again cleanliness is next to godliness you gotta keep that muffler clean

muffler clean it up it's dirty but that's all over because hello tushy is back get yourself a portable bidet attached to your toilet no more swamp ass your dad's ass don't smell your mom's ass don't smell everybody's walking around tip top magoo fresh and the best thing is you got a 90 day warranty if something happens by then the summer's over you won't even need it anyway nothing's gonna happen yes you do nothing's gonna happen let me tell you something even in the winter once you get addicted to hello tushy you'll understand why i can warm you up patch gonna warm up the water it can warm up you can do whatever the fuck can you warm it up lead talk they have a hot they have a hot one but i only i have the one that's only cold i love it how does it feel what do you think it starts

my day it's it's amazing like let's say you took a shower all right let's say you took a shower you walked around new york you're it gets a little swampy back there but you don't have time to take another shower bam all that's all you need that's all you can do your balls while you're there i haven't done that back a little bit that's a little soap a little bivouac with your clean your nuts you throw some soap above because you know where there's hair it gets all sweaty hello tushy dot com right now always go on a date we're confident your helmet won't smell your asshole won't smell you know why hello tushy engineering go to hello tushy dot com right now i'm pressing hello tushy dot com slash church boom and get 10 percent off number two i love them i use their

products every day whether it's the ham protein the chocolate the cacao or the cacao the shroom tech sport i'm on it every day with on it you understand me they also have kettlebells and steel bars and mazes and all that fun stuff but i can only help you and tell you for sure about the something sure i have their kettlebells and i have their steel bars but i can't get you any of this kind on them as far as alpha brain it's got a money back guarantee you try if it doesn't make you sharp and improve your memory listen to me and improve your focus we'll give you your money back we don't even want the product that's how much we believe in alpha brain from there you're looking for protein you're looking for pure protein easy digestible protein boom

m-force cacao fucking it tastes it's the best tasting protein out there a couple ice cubes and water mix it up throw a banana in there it's heaven okay they also have the acai vanilla flavor also the new mood also the shroom tech sport and the shroom tech immune listen i can sit here for hours or you can just go to on it dot com right now and take a look at all the great supplements from mct oil i mean they got it all do me a favor on the way out as you're checking out go to the box and press in church boom and get 10 percent off deliver right to your house okay these are my two favorite people in the world again on it dot com and hello tushy dot com harry yes sir your family thank you very much for going man getting your head together coming back

now you know you definitely don't want to be in you're really getting the fuck out of here so i also applaud you for that i love you to death thank you for coming on this show yeah stay black and stay beautiful lee how you feeling see you ate 10 stars plus the other thing and look you're fine here you're fine it's all on your head this is what i say to you all the time you defeat yourself on your own you like the girl who does anal and you break down can do but i just don't want to do it every night joey listen well you're in you know do this every night to you he wants me to have five nights over here no no no he wants six maybe six and a half i want you to take two nights off because you need to refresh but the other two nights what happens is he goes over

there on the wednesday and he gets all pussied up thursday friday saturday she smacks him around tells him what food they're gonna eat and shit yeah tells him he can't eat stars he's like 400 what are you talking about oh really you're gonna fucking do that no i don't i don't know no be honest come on let me know he gets mad when i eat 1400 then he comes when he's on the monday he eats 2000 you gotta see him he's dead he passes out he orders pizza why did you go joey from from going from what we used to eat 50 milligrams it was 50 milligrams we each have and we fucking put us on the moon listen there's humans we have to evolve i think slav stovsky said that you know oh my gosh there's humans we need to evolve only an 850 milligrams full i keep your tolerance down what tolerance you

got build it up you gotta be prepared if you go over i'm so sorry if you live in power oh Jesus christ that was i made that chalet man that was that i made that chalet that was that ring of yeah i was jesus christ i made my dad's chalet how was it it was so good it was exactly like i remembered it really from the recipe so you made it right to precise for it dude it came out like at first i was like oh it's a little and then i left the top off for like four or five minutes you could yield up and i was like perfect consistency now now traditionally what are you supposed to eat that what how no it was winter time okay it's just warm it's just warm it's just about yeah you can overflow under your brisket and then eat that with it sort of dip sort of a savory dip oh man it's

so good man i'm gonna make it in new york so what is it i've already decided it's chalet i don't know what do you mean you can't say it like that chalet what is it what is it beans a lot of beans some barley potatoes but it's like slow slow cooked 18 hours are you sephardic no man no john's fucking uh-oh where it gets cold sephardic's like yeah i know what sephardic is okay so put them dirt juice what do you call them half a molly jew you call them a half a molly jew i have no idea what was wrong with you it's jungle juice thank you again buddy have a great week yeah bless you you know i love you don't mind are you i love you too you're the last it's nice seeing you i'm glad oh brother to see your friends coming back we got a little dinner and stuff

don't forget thursday night the ice house don't next work yet the 23rd and 24th li long island governors bitches i'll see you motherfuckers wednesday night stay black uncle joey lisa yat and my main man i wish you fear do No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, non, no, no, Sayonara Tomoya de Cualquier Maya De Cualquier Maya si sale pero sale sale un ratón

De Cualquier Maya Sayonara Tomoya de Cualquier Maya Oye que to' no sale que to' no dice que to' no cuesta nada De Cualquier Maya Sayonara Tomoya de Cualquier Maya Ayúdame mamamia ahora Que ya to' no es la sazón Santa, pon a mi, pesa mi

Jorge, Santana Tomoya de Cualquier Maya Cualquier Maya Sayonara Tomoya de Cualquier Maya Ayúdame mamamia Sayonara Tomoya de Cualquier Maya Ayúdame mamamia Sayonara Tomoya de Cualquier Maya

Ayúdame mamamia Sayonara Tomoya de Cualquier Maya Ayúdame mamamia Ayúdame Ayúdame Voringa Ayúdame Hey, Santana

Hey, Santana Hey, Santana Hey, Santana Hey, Santana Hey, Santana Hey, Santana Hey, Santana Hey, Santana

Hey, Santana Hey Santa Hey Santa Hey Santa Hey Santa Hey Santa Hey Santa Hey Santa

Hey Santa Hey Santa Hey Santa I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm talking about