Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #491 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with special guest Sarah Tiana

Episode Date: June 20, 2017

Sarah Tiana, comedian and writer seen on @midnight and Reno 911, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio...twice. This podcast is brought to you by:  Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    DollarShaveClub.com -  get your first month of razors for only $1 with free shipping at dollarshaveclub.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/19/2017.
    

greetings to the church the church of what's happening now is brought to you by Lyft you're looking for a gig Lyft knows that their drivers are what keep them moving so they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip it's a simple formula happy drivers mean happy passengers maybe that's why nine out of ten Lyft rides get a perfect five-star rating so join the ride-sharing company that believes in treating these people better go to lyft.com slash joey today right now and get a $500 new driver bonus who's better than your uncle Joey that's lyft.com slash joey again lyft.com

slash joey limited time only terms apply number two listen to me you're getting older you can't fuck around no more both years I'm talking to you men and ladies when it comes to shaving you don't want no you don't know misunderstandings guys I've like all my life I had those plastic fucking things to save money so would have money to snort coke and what to do for me it fucked up my skin you gotta have a good razor ladies when guys go down and you'll smell that monkey I don't want to see razor burn you got to have a good fucking razor that's why you got to go with Dollar Shave Club all right it's

as good as it could be with the Dr. Carvis shave butter unbelievable for a limited time new members get the first month of the executive razor with a tube of Dr. Carvis shave butter for only $5 with free shipping and after that razors are just a few bucks a month do me a favor go to Dollar Shave Club comm slash church Dollar Shave Club comm slash church and you can get this an exclusive offer kick that meal lead it ain't safe hide the kids hide the dogs is the church or what's happened now what Monday the 20th the 19th whatever it is it's fucking summer

oh shit the church to what's happened now Lisa at Sarah Tiana it's your lucky day cocksuckers here we go oh shit when I fucking around anymore people grab the notebook you might learn something welcome to podcastville uncle Joey Lisa at Sarah Tiana what's happening I'm so excited to be here I could tell you shouldn't eat that fucking I should not have no no no I could tell you has fucked up it's tremendous working wonders Lisa at k-pop so over there I'm doing I'm like a weird reaction to some edibles last night cuz I called you I was doing good it was doing good let me tell you what happened what I went by his house

I dropped I know he was sitting there like a bump on a log rubbing his feet his girlfriend went to the grandmother's house to eat and dance and whatever they do and listen to Pitbull sit around so I figured leaves my friend he's all alone let me drop her back at back and Joe so I showed up at like 500 milligrams of finest edibles you can had about two o'clock on Father's Day who does that he should be showing up at my house right not me I gave him like a fucking Vito Corleone on Father's Day I reversed it showed up at his house he called me an hour later he this is I know why you do this in the daytime I was having the best

time I'm having the best time I'm over here doing the fucking funky chicken by myself I told him take a walk get a slice of pizza and then he calls I call I'm coming back for round two and Paul was there like with the whip okay I don't feel good oh it was a she walked in and said what's the matter with it's like Joey came over did you eat edibles again yeah but I don't feel good he forced him on me and she's like what is wrong with you Lee stop eating edibles and also like call me I'm on my way you did not you were gonna come back later that night the real story was motherfucker ten minutes later come back

ten minutes later hours later you're sick you're too sick but now you're eating fucking gelato this is fake news come no same fake fucking yes it is well you're not eating gelato I did eat gelato at the end of the night because I didn't have dinner you called and told me to have a slice of pizza to hold me over she was gone so I didn't do I should have done that because I didn't I had lunch super early fucked up and I by the time we got to dinner I like it was super hot last night we I just between the like the heat because we went down the stairs to our stupid and between the heat and and all that I

started like I like I thought I was either gonna you know have you ever had to either puke or poop it's gonna come out of either one so I like I luckily cuz the only reason I didn't puke was there were two cops sitting there there were two and I was I can't puke in front of cops I can't get kicked out did you oh but not even that but just a little bit at the restaurant yeah what restaurant did you go oh you're fear for the hummus place though but I've been going there since I've been since I moved here so it's okay that's why you got sick I was before the home is the home is saved me the hummus saved me the

hummus didn't say it did too I I brought it home and I couldn't even eat it I couldn't even eat at the restaurant I told Paula I couldn't eat there it's sure the smell you can smell of that shit in the fucking air how can I be able to eat at that shit you say I live with you have wanted you on the show since fucking Super Bowl I hate to bring this up that's how you start up yeah everything was going great he was celebrating mm-hmm what a fucking game it felt like finding out that your husband has another family you know like you're like oh my god everything's just so great and then all my life's over I hate everything

and you're a fan since day one yeah and now I like don't even trust them like I'm not even looking forward to football season for the first time in my whole life I'm just so devastated on the inside like I'm like I don't even wanted to come back I don't even know what was worse losing Michael Vick or losing the Super Bowl losing the Super Bowl he was the he was a superstar though he was like he was going crazy now no he's not he's gonna be a coach on our team is you really yeah yeah I was I thought about you I called you while you were there Lisa that you were there you were there with Fox Sports you got a little

gig while you were there things were rocking and rolling and all sudden they just flipped the fucking script on you yep and that's the worst walking out of there like that's why I don't get involved in that shit I don't get involved in that shit because I can't imagine walking out did you have a jersey on yeah oh yeah walk out with the jersey and then take the train all the way back to town oh the worst part was I was I've been you know as soon as the like three there were three minutes left in the fourth quarter and I was like this is over I just started crying and then we went to overtime and when we

lost the coin toss I just walked to the bathroom and I was like I know it's over and I cried then I came back to my seat and there's a new usher and she was like ma'am you cannot sit there and I was like oh like I just ignored her she's like I'm like what are you she's like you that is not your seat I'm like yes it is I've been sitting here the whole game oh I let me see your ticket I'm like oh you know I was like you need to calm down and she goes you need to calm down it is just a game and I was like huh did you just call the Super Bowl just a game like it's the suit like people use the word Super Bowl to describe things

like this was this Super Bowl of weddings you know whatever it ain't just a game and I was like this is my team this was it and I was like I know you work with the Houston Texans and this is never gonna happen to you this is a really devastating thing for some of us you know I've never I went through one World Series where it was life or death for me like I just went through it and after that I was done and the rest of them I've gone through because I've bet the games so it's a different feeling right but the only time it's so weird like I was the type of guy if I didn't like some I just let it go like

I don't like the way something felt I let it go I was a fan of the Cincinnati Reds and I was a fan I hated the fucking Yankees growing up I would tolerate the Mets I would tolerate the St. Louis because they had Lou Brock I would tolerate certain teams Pittsburgh I liked because Roberto Clemente and Manny Sanghi and those guys but the Red Sox I liked and the American League so when they had to play each other I was in hell and then not only that my mom was a Red Sox fan so I was really in hell and she knew I was a Cincinnati Red fan so she's Cuban I knew she would torture me till the end till the end

it would be all fucking offseason and you have no idea she was a professional torture Red Sox on the bed you know red eggs she would fucking torment me dog what happened to your fucking team yeah oh yeah she had nicknames for all the Reds she liked Tony Perez because my dad had grown up in Cuba with Tony Perez but that was the only thing she liked about the fucking Reds that was it so I knew and I never forget getting on my hands and knees like on God listen here's the fucking deal if you let the Cincinnati Reds win tonight I will fucking do anything I won't curse I laid it all on the line man because I knew it would be

over once they did I just didn't like that feeling anymore like that was it and then there were games like that I bet that I was cheering for them and I lost money on but like the biggest payday I ever had was when Joe Montana threw that fucking dart to Dwight Clark in 1981 do you know I was a senior in high school really and I won like $880 I had the game and the Ova and a Paul a I was like wow this but that's you know my like I've never really loved the team because I thought that if you even wear the jersey on the walk out it's fucking torture it was torture torture even if you're in your hometown

like that's like that I never even thought about it because in Boston everyone's buying the jersey when you leave you boom me around me for six years I've never had a jersey in no I don't even think I got both longest yarn shirts the longest shot movie I did I took there was two of them like in case something happened the one that got ripped I got both of them and they're both freeze-dried like in a bag with all the air out of it and shit I got the football pants I think I took the belt out of the football pants to wear the belt I don't know what the fuck what the fuck happened why would you wear the

football bell it's like you can't even wear that with a uniform that great belt was like a belt football belts on jeans a fucking great belt a white one what are you nuts you never wear a football belt with jeans it's easy on easy off I have a belt with a like a track system in it so no I know anyway not like the goof minute is over with cocksucker just imagining you know I can't imagine walking out us like yeah I had a friend one time and I went to his house he was dating his girl and I knew this guy for a long time and I went to his house to get drugs over the fuck I was doing and whatever his supposed

team was at the time had lost and he had his head on his fucking hands in the end and I walked in his girlfriend's like I don't really think he wants to be disturbed I go what are you talking about he's like well you know his team lost I'm like listen get the fuck you know like yo I need a fucking a ball of coke he's like man I'm devastated get the fuck up get up before kicking the fucking stomach get devastated get up it's a fucking game you know like that I don't see it like that you know like this there's one type of fan then there's like people like you that a fucking die-hard I respect that like my friend

George's a Yankee fan I'm in the Yankees lose he's in hell and when the Yankees when he's popping champagne over there and having a fucking party it's a hard life you know it's hard but you got to believe in something I just I grew up fans of shit but then his life became life I was like I ain't got time to jump up and down for the fucking twins no more you know what I what do you think is worth Sarah like a quit like a walk-off loss or like one that takes a long because I still remember I think it was 03 when the Yankees were playing the Red Sox and Aaron Boone hit that home run off to Wakefield so we wouldn't so like and

that was like so I'll always remember stuff like that I'll always remember David Tyree catching the ball against Tom Brady like it is it is one harder than the other do you think I think they're both I don't know that's they're pretty equally hard especially when you think you're gonna win right now a loss is a loss man listen when you're a fan of something I lived in but I lived in Boulder when the Denver Broncos were going to the Super Bowls and losing you know I still remember being like my in-laws the first time and they had the chips out they were Bronco fans I always liked that way so I was kind of

cheering for our way and they lost okay your team loses the second year in a row now you have parties they can't lose and they lose again you know many houses I walked out of Denver after their fucking team lost then they lose like four four Super Bowls they lost the Broncos yeah with John Owen then they ended up winning too late around he redeemed themselves the fuck how do you think like like Felipe with the Raiders like now they're doing one of the last couple years but before that they had like 10 years of just being awful and like they still had a great fan base the Raiders never like they never slow

down you know I think and that's what the true meaning of a fan is and it because you you know you can always tell in the World Series or the playoffs is on you see girls are brand new hats on you know like baseball hats like my boyfriend invited me to the standard to watch the game like those fucking dubby chicks and they're cheering and they have no idea why they're cheering and then you have people that are fucking die hard Nick the tour they die hard this is what they grew up on you know Eddie Bravo loves to Cleveland Brown he's from fucking Los Angeles you know the meaning of a fan is not being there

when they win is being there all those fucking games when you know five six years when you get your ass kicked Cleveland's a great example yeah Cleveland's a great example with the Braves we used to like we have extra tickets and we leave them on our windshield like you have two extra tickets you leave them on the windshield you come back in there before like nobody went to the game where's this when I was a Braves fan and when I was a kid like in the 80s with Dale Murphy really mm-hmm what was it like when Bobby Cox retired because like I'm not I'm not looking forward to let you go Bella take your time right now she

can't talk I don't know what to do lay down don't worry about nothing just don't go for a walk in North Hollywood Park you okay a little bit are you okay I'm okay all right if you want to lay down you're more than welcome to lay down they got plenty of water what else do I got in here I got fucking seven up well he drank all the ginger ale I got water and more water and more water sorry okay yeah that whole star fucking killed you yeah yeah no let's let's hook her up here let's open the door so she can get some man come on over here Sam yeah I really can't I'm way too fucked up it happens

it happens the best thing I think you need a whole lot I want to be around to pick up the pieces another Monday night here on the church my girl she's resting she's resting like the cops and C-clock is when they had a fucking job what's his name what's that fucking guy's name I'm not good fellas I don't know the cops and see he's telling him I'm the sequel guess I'm resting in the books is Joe Pesci okay I'm resting she's just resting that's it she put her head down for five minutes she just took a little breather and shit like that I'm happy that she brought up father's day father's

day was pretty goddamn tremendous this year it keeps getting better and better do you look forward to it I didn't believe it was happening really yeah like I don't believe what's happening like I don't believe what's happening happy time you know I had the pleasure of spending two father's days with my daughter and then I got divorced and then after that like the one year I got a card from her and then after that I would pick her up on father's day there'd be nothing she wouldn't make a card for me she'd make it for her husband so for a while there I can't even say I was dischanted with father's day I just

never really thought about it like just did you force yourself not to just because it upset you it just it didn't upset me it was just that my ex-wife didn't make a point to have my daughter come to me and say happy father's day or anything like even if I wasn't with her I would never get a call from her or nothing that would never ever happen like she wouldn't encourage it at all so now I have a wife that I have a great relationship with and I have a great relationship with the child and I day care they made pictures every day for a week she brought home shit so that the day care you have to get on the slide

with a picture of I love daddy take a picture and they make a frame and they give it to you for father's day and they do the same for mother's day you know so I got it on my fucking desk at the house it's very nice it's meaningful of course my mom has you know what a menorah is right for Harneka yeah she has one I made my brother and I made them and I think like second grade and we still have them she still has the main system that must mean a lot you know that's what life is all about when you get older and you look at those little things and you know Jesus Christ that's who I am like when I was a kid I still remember getting

the cigar box and bringing in spaghetti shells and glue on them on to the box really and then you sand down the glue when it hardens okay like the Elmer's glue and then you paint you spray paint the box gold and then you bring it home to your mom I made your fucking box jewelry that smells like cigars and spray paint and shit but my mom used it yeah and even when she died I think the thing was upstairs in the attic like I still remember looking at it going that's who the fuck I am I made that for you know when I was the second grade in New York City I'm gonna forget it I'll never forget all the little things you

made but no there was no encouragement in my first marriage right and even the father's day that she was around for was she was the first one she was three four months old and the second one she was maybe 15 months old 14 months old right yeah it's nice but you don't like it to experience it I didn't really experience it with her so and like I said after that was shut shut out so years later when I remember now now they celebrate it you know they surprised me in the morning they make a bunch of noise and they jump on the bed and the whole fucking deal so it is very nice you know it's taken four years for me to

sink in that I'm a dad you do know that what happened the other three years but what was going on I just walked around like somebody at a fucking house with two women living in the house with her like it's sunken and like this time as I walk around and I'm like maybe I have another family and this is like my side family like I got to leave here cuz I'm like when I go do comedy I'm like I'm like maybe they think I got like a side family and the same really my family would that make it easier for you to deal with you like okay that's what I that's why I should be doing not not in reality but like cuz it's so nice but

what's going on in my life right now has never happened before I mean I've had happy situations and happy times but nothing like this it's surreal every time I lock the door behind me in the house between the cats my wife and my daughter it's fucking surreal like this isn't really happening like this is not happening that's how far you know how fucked up humans are to see my wife who she is today right it's completely different and to see who she is with this little girl that just fell out of pussy one day it's completely different okay to have this little child in my house and I got to hide my weed and I

gotta watch what's in my desk and I got to watch my language and I always got somebody watching me now I always got somebody saying something to me or coming to get me like I can't really sink my teeth into anything when she's around like my life has changed completely like I was writing comedy a day I fucked up she came in the room took the pen and started writing right over the jokes what are you gonna do grab the pen from I'm telling now what am I right I'm not writing nothing that's gonna life change anybody that's what it is to be yeah that's what part of it is so it this has all been a new

fucking experience for me man is it like did it sound like I know you love it but it's how you it's how you scared or like why when you when you say it's like and it's what do what is I'm not scared not at all I'm all in I love it I love it because I never had this growing up what's going on right now like I say prayers before we eat now I don't say I'm she says a little girl says prayers now and God forbid you taste the fucking food before she says prayers I did what did she do she just goes bananas on you she's like hey man but you fucked up haven't said prayers yet you know something like that whatever the fuck

she says who knows but that's my life is completely changed like I never thought I would acquire a family like that even when I did have that family it vanished within my hands so I only thought I had one chance at it now not only did I get a second chance but it's way better and way stronger than the family had before well like I was just living with a woman with a child before okay this is a complete different thing this is a support system this is a partnership you've been with with your wife for a long time 18 years in two months but there was like a between the time when you left Colorado and had mercy like

what were your like when Father's Day would come around would you be net would you be angry would you be sad what would what was this time of your life really think about it not at all no I wouldn't really think about it when I did think about it I would feel bad I would feel bad not that she didn't reach out but that nobody encouraged her to reach out I felt bad for how small her mind must have been to not have your child reach out to her dad no matter how you feel about that person you know I'm like so till this day I'm still in shock about human nature I don't know much about the moon I don't know much about the stars I

don't know much about a lot of things but I do know human nature because I've gone through a lot of different things a lot of different people I've seen their reactions you know I never in my life could imagine that my divorce would be that messy that my divorce would end up with me not lose them I never thought that at all I was under the impression when I separated that I would always be in a life then about three weeks later started to shift did did did she tell you the did you guys have an agreement and it started shifting or yeah we had an agreement and she understood you do this and you pay for this and that

was the agreement and it lasted maybe 90 days then it all went down if it may be two years I believed that I could change it and then but deep down inside I knew I had lost scripts on this that I was just and then I said even though I know this let me go back and look at this again maybe I'm looking at it from a different perspective and that's when I moved back to Boulder in 93 October in 93 and I stayed there till June of 95 I'm coming up Joe I first I think it'll be 22 years maybe yeah 22 years since I left Bowling for Ogden Utah to start my triple run but a car packed up so where did you put all your stuff well I was

gonna go back to this apartment in September that was the plan I was leaving July I was gonna be gone one month in July and the whole month of August that was the plan but when I got to Seattle there was a comedy scene up there that I had never seen before you know not that I had the experience as a comedian that I knew what the vast scenes were like but it was different from never it was a lot better than Dennis at that time Seattle had more going on comedically for different levels of comedy a lot of one-nighters that paid you you know which was that that helps 75 dollars in the Tuesday night that helps

you know a couple 75s a couple hundreds you have a day job you're not doing so bad you're not fucking hanging out with you know the Rockefellers yeah but you're not doing too bad as a comedian you keep your overhead low you get a $5,000 car and change the oil and keep the tires good and you know you don't really that that's that's what you do at that level as a comic once you start co-headlining and stuff and you have your insurance with your job and everything then you whatever some people do it a different way you know everybody has their own this is an art so everybody has their own fucking journey of

doing things so what so what happened like so you went to Seattle and just decided to stay is that what's happened no when I got to Seattle was overwhelmed with comedy I got to see how long a Saturday and by the following Friday I had a weekend to work like it was that fast like I was featuring for John Fox who was one of the biggest bookers in the area at that time so within a week I got in with John Fox and he what what area did he have he had Moscow Idaho Moscow who was the quarterback in Boston in New England before Brady blood so that's what blood so was going to school oh shit I would see blood so at the airport

there let's see him so blood so was going to school there that boys he stayed on one of those he went to Idaho State whatever is in Moscow Idaho there's a college there so I was the first weekend I did that to me meant the world as a headliner no feature act okay that to me meant the fucking world just to go out there and feature for I think it was a hundred bucks a show and he mailed you check I was okay with that as long as I had worked then late the following week I had worked from this Cuban guy Alberto then the following I got work from this other woman Pat and then I got work from Donna Richards and then there was this

other lady who passed away I forget what her name was Ron Reed's wife you know they all had all this work all together they probably had three months of work so every three months you just rotated again you know though those clubs those kind of clubs they expect that they don't get Joe Rogan a Bill Burr or Mark Marin alright so local guys and there's a like a a market for that for people who who just want to see it's like going to a bar and there just happens to be comedy so it doesn't matter that other places like Studio City right alright so let's pretend you have Everett Washington okay Everett Washington is a regular city

you know whatever medium size they have a bar up there on a Wednesday night at nine they do comedy do they advertise in the paper they advertise the local people now in all those places there's local comedy box and they go watch live comedy okay like the people you were performed for you go back six months later and they'd be there and this is what they did every Wednesday night that town was small enough there was one movie theater you know I'm just saying I just threw out the name Everett right yeah I'm talking about places in Wyoming places and you know Washington state that's you know if it's not

Seattle or Tacoma you really don't know about them well you've talked about like the comedy clips that are in hotels I went to one of those in like upstate New York a couple times but it's just it's I just went along because I was with adults but to me as a comedy fan maybe because comedy so huge now I always just look for the bigger names I don't think about oh let's go see just these people who randomly happen to be here well there's two trains of thought if you're a comedy fan you're a comedy fan absolutely if names come in you go see names but if you're how many times if I come to you instead of going to Montana

next week yeah and I'm any you know unless you're a big theater act you don't go to Montana you know there's no real comedy clubs in Montana don't think I'm just you know so but there's little cities there's billing like billings billings used to have like a holiday in or something that was beautiful and you did comedy downstairs on Friday nights and it would pack up it was Friday and Saturday one show night it would pack up I still remember the place in my head if I closed my eyes there's comedy buffs and they go and they ask questions they look at your resume been seen on SVU they'll come down there and ask me what

episode were you on I've watched all of them and you tell them I'll be on the one when the mechanic and then the guy picked up the car and there I was as a mechanic oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you had a winter jacket yeah that's me that to them that contact yeah even though I was just I had three lines that's it that's Hollywood that's Hollywood so do you understand I'm trying to say to you like I remember being in Boulder and being the emcee at the bolt of the broker and comics would come in they give me their list of credits and I'd read the credits and fucking my head would blow up and then afterward I'd pull them

aside and said you were really on this yeah some guys were really fucking on these shows some guys were really not on these some guys were an extra on this show okay at least some guys shot something and they got cut out and they still use their credit hey that counts but the people would just lie people would really hey well you can really check I guess well listen it's like when I go on stage the emcee comes over to me and he goes what do you want me to say I remember being an emcee and comics broke my balls all the time I don't like it so now I don't break comics balls you know I say don't say what the fuck you want to say

I know as an emcee you looked at my resume don't say something I didn't do don't go up there and say this guy's been seeing on this this and this and I've never been on that that burns me up tell him whatever I don't tell him dick I rather you just tell him this guy works every weekend Joey Diaz boom and I'm pretty fucking good with that your name is kind of hard to mispronounce but has anyone ever done it has anyone be like Joey Diaz oh I get I'm gonna give a fuck about that some none of that stuff bothers you some people lose their minds when you work with them and you either fuck up their credits or you

fuck up their name right I don't take it that personal because no matter what that person says I still got to do talking on the stage right I still got to go up on that fucking stage so they could say I'm fucking Johnny Carson's best friend right if I go up then I suck ass what good is Johnny Carson who gives a fuck it then now they're gonna go the other I went to this bar and Johnny Carson's best friend down there the worst community I've ever seen in my fucking life but how was it hard for you to remember like headliners I was just laughing

thinking about you because you have a great memory for dates and numbers but just something about names and after trying to like remember a 20 minute set I think it'd be hard for anybody to remember someone else's name and their credits well this is what I do you ready okay okay you burn your bridge as you get to it okay I don't need to talk to the headliner before I go on stage not at all I shake his hand now look at me and I'll come back and get your credits later so right away I know his name but I don't even

give a fuck about his credits maybe I saw him on something so I at least know one of the three credits okay okay gotcha and I go and I worry about the feature act and I go and he tells me and we talk a little bit and blah blah blah blah and I go up there and I do my 15 minutes and I drop the fucking feature acts name and his credits and I try I focus on that now what do I gotta focus on the headline his name so I don't talk to the headliner until after I bring the feature up again why put step b you know I need to make that

mistake before you absolutely absolutely absolutely absolutely and they come at you with a laundry list oh you know the worst comics will come at you with a laundry list of credits like when you're in small places yeah make sure make sure you tell them I was the cook in sesame street and the video on YouTube like they'll take the fucking credit personally so you better say it right if you say it wrong bro they go into you after they get on stage I would never go off

but people have done it I think it's hard enough what we do without a headliner going off I think in the beginning a couple headliner says shit to me like on triple runs a couple of them would say shit to me but I never saw again so it didn't really fucking matter we never cross paths again but besides that now is it frustrating I mean what do you like what how what is it like when you don't have any credits I mean we talked about a little bit but for the first

seven eight years especially if you're not doing it in LA you must have nothing well you do colleges you open up for certain people okay so I'm an emcee at the comedy work and I'm a good emcee right you know I'm one of the best emcees the comedy works have they have four of them I was there the week Kevin Hart walked in guess what I just opened for Kevin Hart okay so when they got to he just opened for Kevin Hart yeah you see how it works it's how you look at it you talk how it's perceived

you're not lying I would never lie about a credit you know why because I got a ton of them I got a ton of them I don't give a fuck about them they don't do nothing for me but there's people that use certain things and they use it you follow me like a publicist so take that and spin that like it's a genius move but it's a bad payoff is it like going from like that one scene in svu to being a serious regular on svu or something no no no no no no his mind boggling performance and then you turn it on he gets shot in the

fucking neck after he says stop bam and you thought you were gonna see him it's like a cop he had the whole episode you're following me and he's like an extra barely I know people who have been extras on shows like I've gone up to him and said what episode were you on because I watched that show and they would go now let me tell you what happened my friend was a director on there and if you watch that episode there's a cop I'm that cop I didn't have any lines but fuck I still use it as a credit

do I judge him no do I say something no would I do it no I would never do it I wanted my credits to be fucking legit yeah especially so my first credit was a pilot really okay but you it was real really use it because nobody would see it until the show got picked up yeah I would say this guy down to I was featuring still this guy just shot a pilot for CBS right he gives a fuck you know when you're in fucking mobile Alabama who gives a fuck yeah when you get all people come up to you

and say you you shot a pilot for CBS yeah I did but you'll never fucking see it never got picked up so who gives a fuck and then you have credits that are just real so I had the pilot for CBS then I got a Taco Bell commercial with the dog that I could use or not use like if I use that as a credit I'd be lying to you because if you blink you miss me in that video that was the biggest payday I ever made in my life for a tenth the many of a millennia of a second of my face on this video

but would you use it until you had better credit yeah yeah when I went on the road to smaller venues I used it this you can see this guy the Taco Bell commercial with the dog and people come up to me and say which one I go the one with Miami I'm shining the guy's shoes Jesus that's it and I was thinking about this today it's weird how that stuff sort of just comes as you've talked about how sticking it out matters and just being there and doing your work like it's weird how I was thinking about I've been in a life for almost seven years

and I like I'm like the vicky pesa just like there's people that I know here now that I could go to if I needed help with something or I don't know where to get this I could like it just sort of happens even though I hate the the word networking it just sort of happens I would imagine even even though all you want is credits and you can't get them they just sort of if you're here for long enough they just sort of happen well if you get long enough anything happens you know you know I was talking to one of the waitresses at the

store and I'll fill you in people on something that you may not know and I'll tell you and I'm not ashamed to tell you when I booked the movie baseball I had no idea what they were talking about to set people and if you think I'm lying to you I don't give a f*** what you think I bumped my way into that audition went in there I said the line I listened to what the lady said to me and what she wanted and I read it just how she wanted and I went home

and a couple days later they called and I was still not for people I hadn't taken acting class at that time I knew nothing I knew what you know when you're watching TV and you see certain things and also sometimes you'll watch HBO and they're shown behind the scenes or something and you'll see the cameras that's what I knew I never shot dick dick I shot a f***ing college film at the University of Colorado the Taco Bell commercial really wasn't no lines I was just shining shoes I was getting my shoes I was getting my shoes shined

and the pilot I was just behind the bar and I had two lines this was the first time I had to be funny in a movie with baseball like not funny funny but this was the first time like that people said to me go on your marks guys I had no idea what the f*** that meant and I'll tell you what that means what you do is when you get to the set they go go out there rehearse and block and you rehearse a little bit and then say that's where you're gonna stand yeah and they put the camera then they put an X on the floor with tape

so let's say me you and Sarah Tiana this movie you'll be red tape I'll be yellow tape and Sarah will be green tape so when you walk into the scene you have to step on that tape yeah so they you're always in the same place yeah that's where you use a mark that's what the mark is people at home I didn't know what a mark was I kept standing they kept going stand on your mark and I would go and laugh like and they finally had a common bodily move me into the f***ing mark like those two brothers that directed that

movie were like famous and I was eating dog s*** in front of them Matt and Trey no no the other guys oh wait Matt and Trey wrote the movie oh I'm sorry but somebody else did the movie they was directed by somebody else I knew nothing and then after that movie I ate so much ass on that movie that I went and took an acting class that's when I finally decided to take an acting class like I listened to Dice and a bunch of other people and I went to this guy Frank Magna and he was on Monday nights

he was on Gardner on Gardner and Sunset if you you go on the other side of Gardner where the tie place is okay behind there is Gardner Studios across the street there's like a red house acting house he had an acting class on Monday nights I was so embarrassed from baseball that I paid $125 to sit with him on Monday nights and I would go at six and leave at nine and go do spots so he would let put my scene up first and then I had an idea now I had an idea so for not making that mistake again

after if you really notice my career after basketball I'd disappear from film if you look at IMDB I think it's like a two or three year absence I did so bad in basketball that I was so fucking embarrassed that every Wednesday I would go to 7-eleven on Curson and Sunset Strip and I would buy the backstage all right and I would go home leave it at home and I would pull a bunch of headshots out resumes and I would go on Wednesday do comedy and whatever time I got home no matter how coked up I was I would sit there and

hand write letters and I would mail them out early Thursday so they would get them Friday and I would have no addition Saturday I had a time it was perfect because they don't have a big budget so I would audition on Saturdays and for like a yearly I ate shit on other people's movies but it didn't matter because nobody was going to see them so how do you think you got the first few things that you did just just off a block no I studied this book called auditioning I forget who the author is

I bought this book and I also went to uh uh another acting class I left frank megan and I went to uh Evana Chubbock and then this guy came in called Christian Kaplan he was VP of casting for Fox a great little gay guy great guy just tremendous guy and he did a cold reading workshop which is really your focus if you could cold read you could act your fucking asshole so cold reading is when you've never seen it before I think cold reading is when I give it to you and tell you you got

three hours to have it prepared well you get three hours let's pretend sometimes you get 10 hours sometimes I'll call you right now what time is eight o'clock and go out they want to see at whatever studios and at 11 o'clock guess what that means you have to do your spot and fucking go home and study your sides so that's what right now you will get an audition so that's how it works out and then you have that time

that's called cold reading and what the cold reading workshop does is it makes you break down the character get your choices together and how to walk into the room how to approach this audition there's a plan a man without a plan is not a man that attaches to everything even auditioning so you you see a lot when you look at a script then it's just not so you do a lot of work you get three pages okay so you get three four pages maybe ten pages is the most I ever got all right you get three scenes the sucky thing is that you'll study all three

scenes backwards and forwards and you'll get there and they go you're only doing scene one and three do they do that to fuck with you let's say you're shooting a fucking like one you got nothing if you look at my resume there was this movie I shot called you got nothing it had a couple c stars in it that was the biggest role I had ever gotten at the time so the audition they wanted to see me in three different scenes okay so they wanted to see me as like a tough guy and like a nice guy and like something else so your audition was three scenes

all right so you have to learn how to audition so that's what I did I took all my chances with those fucking stupid movies that didn't even I I know that half of them never even ended up on my mdb I did a movie about thieves had a fucking valet that we were valet guys and we would take your keys and look at your registration and while you were eating dinner we'd rob your house that's a good idea or send money people to your house and shit that's how they rob houses

I did one of those it was these Chinese camera dudes that flew in they flew in from the film school in Hong Kong I went to the premiere it was five feet I never saw a movie where they shot more feet they showed our feet getting into the car getting out of the car walking up the fucking stairs I never saw nothing like that in our fucking life I did that one I did another movie about a fucking English bank robber they shoot our feet yeah they showed my feet throughout the

whole movie they showed my face one time three nights of shooting in the fucking in the valley somewhere in one of these places in one of these valet styles right so we had to do all our things so that was like 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. or 2 a.m. to 7 and fucking three nights and my own clothes so I would go right to the comedy store there that's how I would eat you had a valet uniform laying around they would have they I think they had a red shirt I had to wear black pants with a white shirt

I did that movie I did fucking you got nothing which was a SAG movie it was low budget and they flew us to Sacramento and back and all that stuff by that time I had it down okay because after I did that thing with Christian Kaplan I took another workshop from another casting director I got a cast at Godfather 2 and Donnie Brasco and a bunch of movies that's the one I speak about with uh I did that one with Brian Count okay this was 2,000 that's how long I know Brian Count

2,000 at UCLA it was a cold reading workshop with this fucking guy and guess what I still have the paperwork from that fucking audition from that night so they were good workshops oh my god all those workshops I have I break down every audition the same way with the paperwork from that workshop there must be some actors who listen to this uh and we talked about it a year or two ago there's there have been some workshops run by like casting agents who have been like forcing people to basically pay for auditions did you ever run into any of

them yes yes yes oh no I told them to go fuck themselves well what did they ask you for because there's a different side of Hollywood there's a there's a different side of Hollywood that appeals to a certain person and they don't talk to anybody and they don't understand the basics let me close the door hold on I just want my girl to get some air yeah I think that he sees on oh she's she's nodding her head no she's alive thank you

she's fine I had just started spinning I started going back I saw the whole thing go down there you go beautiful takes a little time see there's two sides of Hollywood and he has done the beauty of it we're comedians sarin myself a comedian so we land in town we go to open mics one day you end up at the comedy store the improv in the laugh factory you sign with a manager and your manager says you have to get into acting classes they blow smoke up your ass and tell you there's that one you go to the comedy

store and you walk up the same tripling you go where'd you go you walk up to Ari you walk up to this guy that guy and they'll tell you about different acting teachers to teach the classes on Tuesday so there's no problem if you're flying on you know there's a lot of acting teachers that teach on Thursday that doesn't mean no good because two Thursdays a month I gotta miss that shit but I was very fortunate like I didn't I didn't buy into the hype there's a certain hype that's in this town when you first get here

and I gotta be honest with you people at home a lot of people fall for it hook line and sinker people spend thousands of dollars here and the result is horrible because they'll keep you in these acting classes they're like cults and they follow the teacher or something or what do they know no the teacher will sign you for uh you know uh month to month okay come on in Lee ba ba ba ba ba ba you have an agent yes I do okay so you're going on auditions yeah okay perfect

so now what happens is when you go to an acting class it's like anything else it's like me taking a private jiu-jitsu class it's like um you go to a basketball camp okay your focus becomes tighter you're at that thing you know when you go to an acting class you work a muscle you work a certain muscle every week okay so do you know how an acting class works no I'm not gonna win you sit down and all of a sudden they go Lee they look at you and they go Lee what do you do I'm a drummer but I'm an actor also

what kind of roles have you done Lee I've been a plumber I was a latin love I was this and that all right the teacher gets up and hands you a scene from a movie it could be one of the movies that you've seen or one that you haven't seen and then they'll hand me a scene and go Joey you pair it up with uh Lee introduce yourself you guys gonna read the scene from uh lethal weapon when they go to get the hooker and they blow up the house gotcha okay that's what you do in acting class you

do know that right so they just will see you and I have to get together during the week on our own and rehearse like three or four days we have to rehearse this scene how many times whatever it takes for it to be verbatim an off book and then we got to go in the top of the class to follow a week and go on stage and do it and you have to critique and you write it down then he gives you another scene and you move on and you go on and on and on that that's a continuing circle of it

and then when you get a prize when you have an audition you get a private with the guy if he's not too expensive and what he does with you is he breaks the script down for you the audition down for you he breaks your character down for you he tells you where to make the pose uh the the stops and where to take the what's that poses where to take the pauses I'm sorry where to take the pauses where to look somewhere where to take a beat once he puts that together you rehearse that

for hours just like that so when you go in the room nothing can throw you off and how often does that work like because all the time really even if I fucking take you tomorrow listen to me and if you say to me you doubt me I could prove to you because I have done it I was a comic I was doing comedy maybe nine years 10 years and within the acting classes my acting muscle twitched and dog I was getting auditions

that were fucking huge auditions and the surprise was I was going into these rooms and reading with the people and hanging I was in these rooms and hanging with people you know I forget what role I was in up for get shorty not not get shorty or the sequel to get shorty I was up for that role I was up for fucking I could tell you the guy died while he was shooting the movie that did the movie he was a great actor I met him on the chaspom and terry movie I did I did a bunch of movies at the

chaspom and terry movie I had two lines in that movie I got to jump in the ocean you know I gotta throw somebody in the ocean or something like that I learned all those like I got those movies early on but it was after my audition game was tight I started comparing my auditioning game to stand-up comedy what was I doing every night Lee in those days from 97 Lee to 2005 what did I do every night stand up well how long were the sets 15 minutes

what are they in contrast to a scene okay so once I correlated the scene from the movie I put myself going up on stage and doing that scene with an audience so it would take away the fear so in my mind I was walking into auditions like I was walking onto a stage that loose you know when you come see me within the first three minutes Lee already knows well I'm gonna have a mediocre set a good set where I'm gonna eat a bag of dicks Lee already knows Lee already knows

Lee could already call it at the four-minute mark Lee could already already go he's gonna have a bad set I'm gonna go get a drink you already should know you already know when I'm having a bad set I throw out some old material and I bail myself out why because I'm loose okay if I walk into that stage loose you and I both know we got a problem I'm gonna go off for 10 minutes and then we're gonna regain and then I'm gonna go out here for another 10 minutes

and I'm gonna get on stage and have a good set that's just the natural when I start thinking about shit doubting myself when the pace isn't right you ever see me when my pace isn't right yeah it's a slow bag of fucking debt so I trained myself to kind of do what what's his name does which is really weird what's the guy that makes you walk on colds oh tony robbins so when tony robbins sells or he wants to achieve something he wants you to think of something he wants you to have a trigger okay so you could

unleash that power okay it was the same thing I learned how to have a trigger on stage and if like sadly in the main room the trigger was right on I knew when I fucking said the first line that they were in trouble and I knew they weren't gonna like me I was gonna just smack them around like let it skin in an oakland in 78 77 so I started translating stand up into auditions well for like for you for we talk about the the store those 15 minutes are the best or when you're attacking them and like

no not not being mean but going at them do can't because if I can't audition there's probably two or three people in a room same thing I had to do same thing same thing I took that energy for 180 people and I pointed at fucking three people from the minute I go in there I'm uncle Joey did it like freak those three people out freak him out I walk in fucking what's happening everything all right here was going on ba ba ba ba right there I could feel it

if they go you ready to go yeah as soon as they go slate you know what slay this so yeah I look at the I look at the camera and they look at me guess what I always do I always turn like a convict so right then and then I bust them so if they laugh you know you got them I got them even if they don't laugh I'm controlling the audition you understand what I'm saying here they didn't tell me not to do it I did it even when they tell me sometimes you don't need to do that I look them straight in the face like I want to give them the full effect

and they just look at me and freeze that means I control the situation that's the biggest thing in an audition control the situation and listening to them to the T because you know when they start to like you now they're cheering for you to get the job they're telling you what to do and you have to switch it up because that tape is watching you and what it's watching is to see if you could take orders on the double that director doesn't want to waste his time

with people that can't switch it up quick so she once she likes you she's gonna go you do me a favor read it but read it a little slower come in from a different angle and then you'll read it and she'll make you read it again but this way what she's doing to you is see if you could take direction you could listen to direction and to find details of her words that's why listening is the most important thing in that audition room which I mastered in that because I knew I only had one shot and if the director wasn't in the room

he saw that I could take on tape another thing I was telling that girl I was so bad at auditioning that my hand would shake with the papers in it have you ever seen a man's hand shake it makes so I would try it happens to me all the time I would try to read and I'd be reading and this is what you would hear in the background if that happened I failed like when I read for the sopranos like the first four times my hand was like that I think the last time my hand wasn't like so is that why you try to memorize it so you don't have to you always have to memorize it

but you use that for centering you you never want to go away from that that is your script so you want to be centered you know if you know it to that now this is the chance you're taking okay now hear me out a lot of people actors that listen to this and they go Joe you don't have to fucking talking about what if you walk into that audition with those sides are you doing these that could produce a what up what up what up and they go do you want to read this or do you want to read this per diem or do

you want to read this off the sides and you go no I know my lines and you put them down okay there's a camera in front of you and I'm gonna tell you something as a man I'm gonna tell you something I've been in front of a thousand audiences and every time I've walked into audition and I put those sides down god damn it do I fuck up the first line so guess what happens now the camera sees you go off camera to get the lines I never want to be off camera because even if I'm not reading I'm doing fucking things

oh I'm doing things I'm scratching my nose I'm scratching under my chin I'm giving the camera my eyebrows I'm fucking with that camera so that that guy behind that camera that watches that tape is getting a full effect on me this is there so I always want to be in front of that camera when did you think about that what why do I always hold my lines and the camera's right there where the bong is right my sides are right here I can't see these now now I gotta wear glasses which means I gotta go into

auditions no my shit right because once I put the glasses on I lose the audition I don't know yes you think so I have the dog every time I go into the audition I don't know lines and I gotta use my glasses I don't get the call you don't want to get LASIK it's gonna work for two hours once I eat 1200 milligrams of these stars the LASIK undoes itself that night we did the acid with R he sees wearing glasses again right remember he walked on here like Jesus with no glasses on you popped his LASIK

yeah we did the acid and the 1200 milligrams the LASIKs disappeared he's got he's been wearing glasses again all right never mind so yeah that's that's the deal with that let me give some shout outs real quick here oh my god well you oh my god I'm a little high too Ray Cunningham, Kenneth Sunk, Snotgrass, Carolyn Seibel, Lorenzo Toledo, Andrew Nondyle, Rusty Shackleford, Porter B, Stu, and Robert Plunkett plus a special thank you to my man up in Seattle Greg Powers

and his beautiful little Asian princess they donated some money to a family and they'll sell it during the church of what's happening now's name I want to thank this guy these guys have been loyal church members for years you know if I go to Seattle if I ever get the warrant I could go to the house they have to come down to Portland and see me there's always drama it's raining but I want to give them a special shout out because they didn't show up I want to also apologize we had the two bags of stars here we're talking about Boston Sarah opened up the blue bag with

they're not the purple ones and I thought she understood when I said just eat a little piece she ate the whole thing and things gotta start again I can see her eyes fucking up by the minute so she's okay half and half and it's weird it's scary to you when you see somebody's eyes going it happened with the Spanish girl Ada but you laugh when you see it happening to me I just see you giggle I can't giggle no no no when it happens to her and you're very nice when it happens to me you like you give me another star

fuck you you deserve it you don't do dick you wouldn't do dick you'd be at home right now eating Cheetos if not I'm trying to get you out of the house you could do something with your life and experience this fucking thing if not you wouldn't smoke dope you'd be sitting home with that poor girl yelping restaurants in Pismo Beach for fucking the vacation you're gonna take God knows when it sounds like a blast I love Cheetos yeah you'd be at home fucking dying right now you're lucky you're here of course a good time you make a little fucking scratchy you get to

hang out with Sarah Tiana right now who I wasn't complaining I was just saying I was just saying it's Sarah it's very nice it shows a different side of you and other people deal with it Sarah's on the couch I'm sitting here four feet from I feel like Cosby you know I'm saying like you know there's a woman on your couch what do you do you just watch TV poor Cosby got he got off that cock suck I knew he was gonna get off you think so yeah they're gonna go back I think then I go back it's over

that's it those poor women get nothing Cosby got away with it because of celebrities six people there were six people just wanted more evidence I guess I don't know six people it was deadlocked it was deadlocked oh I thought it was just like one person maybe it was a mistrout was it not yeah well yeah I think I think it was but I didn't I didn't look into it me neither I just looked I just knew I knew there was going to be a by the way about I knew that he had hired you know he's got more money than God dog he don't give a fuck he could hire

what's his name whoever he can bring you can bring a Jew back yeah he could bring a Jew back he could kind of deal with the church to bring a Jew back the best attorney of all time three of them and they were going to find the loophole and they found it and God bless him I ain't mad at him this is what it's all about this is what it means to have money in this country and get in trouble at least you create a doubt you know and it's scary to think though like for those of us who don't have Bill Cosby money

no I know what are you gonna do that's that's what happens money talks and bullshit walks my friend you know he had a high-powered fucking team he had a PR firm he did a bunch of things that cost him a little bit he went blind all of a sudden well he went come on are you kidding me tomorrow watch him tomorrow he's on a boat on his way to fucking no more hold nobody's holding his arm that shit's all over he had to pay those people to hold him that poor girl from the Cosby's was holding his arm walking around

they had to give her like 50 fucking G's for how to do that shit you don't think it's really long he's blind no he ain't fucking blind that was his that was his defense that was his plan B if they had to get you know when I keep him out keep him out pay a fucking whatever to pay the bail to keep him out and then you know whatever it goes away they give her another envelope and it goes away that was plan B he was never gonna do time

that's Bill Cosby guys unless you found the murder weapon in his fucking head he allegedly did it to how many women wasn't like 30 or something one came through that could get him even into a fucking courtroom a lot of those people he paid off he listen god bless him what are you gonna do what the fuck are you gonna do so uh how was uh Mooney I watched for about 10 minutes and uh he's still great he's still one of my idols he's still one of the guys

that kicked the door in for me I mean I had to follow him for maybe two years so I would have to sit and watch him because in those days he didn't have a time limit so you didn't know when he was gonna be done you know so I would sit there for 40 minutes and watch him and when you watch a comic that's that's that free at the level I was at it opens up your mind it's like when I was at the six year level and I saw Doug Stanhope in Seattle it was it was mind boggling there sometimes you see a comic that's not

the funniest person in the world but what he's saying and the chances he's doing opens up your mind that's why when you first do comedy it's important that you go see as much live comedy as you can because that's the real way to learn in the beginning why you're learning so even though you probably ignore you do you think that's why Mitzi did that to you so you would have to sit there and watch him no Mitzi made me follow him so I could fucking learn that's how you learn yeah you know I would go up there with fucking hokey-doke material and slip some

dire slow dick and then I would look to schedule and I would follow him every fucking night so I figured out finally that by that time people had heard everything so I got this concept that I was just gonna go open follow Paul Mooney number one not gets like I would go up there and go keep it going for Paul Mooney and put the microphone in and go how am I gonna follow that I lost it was a psychological game I'll go how am I gonna follow that right away and then I would sit there and go

so what do you guys want to talk about boom dead sorry good night get the fucking birds chirping pretty soon because they gotta they're gonna about to start chirping then I figured out I had to come in there and erase his memory that's hard to do how because you do he would do longer than 15 minutes right so I would go up there and go out my first three minutes with blood pressure over 200 eyeballs popping out of my face red face and I would just go yelling and screaming

I like and it was funny and my material I was saying was funny I learned how to just go up there quick suck them in and then from there on that I can pillow it is that when you started doing the thing where you would have people get you kind of frustrated before the show like so you can have a red face that was all in the same process of people frustrating me that was all in the same process you just learn little triggers and stuff like that but that's um it's weird how I took the stand up and the acting at that point

people come to this town they come with a credit card some people stumble upon a great acting coach like I did early on that showed me good basics and then I had a freelance coach a black guy that was sensational he was sensational like every time I used them I went to producers did I book the role no but I they put my headshot up on the wall and in those days I was going in for big-time movies Lee I was going in for big-time movies and I would watch those movies and go I lost

the role to that guy I don't feel too fucking bad like I went in for that movie three times I don't feel too bad I was in the running so even though he didn't get you the job you would keep going back for the privates yeah why not the percentages raised every time I paid them 25 bucks okay you know if if if for 20 fuck listen all that stuff is percentages all I wanted in those days was for them to put my headshot up on the wall that was my mindset I never went for booking the movie there was

15 20 movies 10-sheet TV shows I went in for that all I wanted was for them to put my headshot on the wall what does that mean for me to disrupt casting a little bit like what about this guy he gave us a great audition right and for years I lost out we had Steve run as easy in here okay the advice I gave Steve runs easy because was what I had gone through for two years anything I read for I was 80% gonna go in for a callback

in those days even when I'd allow Spanish auditions you know I tell you that wouldn't go I would go in for the part of Pablo and I would play a Mexican farmer on a drug dealers you know even when I went in for those roles you know see as a Pablo I would go on the producers and then producers the producers would go why are you here and I go I don't know because I did a good job with the read so in those days I had a notebook and I had the name of the project the casting director how I did

and then I put one two three because you always went to two or three auditions those days and then at the end there was little box that put the result and I was just going off percentages just like that movie hardball I took that a concept to auditioning because in those days I would go in for 15 auditions a month there was three or four years I went for 15 10 auditions a month all those movies you see from the early 2000s 2004 five and six I went out for those yeah I got lucky with taxi I got lucky with Arles

you know I got lucky with a lot of things I went in there and read Arles I said Arles yeah Arles was one of two lines and by that time I was getting frustrated with those auditions why missus syat yes sir I have delivery for you thank you I appreciate it you got a sign for it okay okay that was my audition my audition basically in those days was missus syat yes you have no audition for it uh you have no you have a package can you sign for it please oh yes sir thank you okay

all right what what do you do with that no if only a few different ways you can say something what do you do with that audition when you look at that on paper when your agent calls you says I'm gonna audition for you tomorrow morning at 11 it's for Arles and all of a sudden you wait by the fucking fax machine and once she comes and there's two little lines those are the lines what do you do with that I don't know all right so you have to look at those two lines and go what am I gonna do with those two lines how many people gonna go in there and

just go missus syat hello you have a delivery sign here thank you very much so what can you do different than these people so I would fucking start from scratch I would walk in the door what could happen when you walk through somebody's door with a box under your drop it you know by the time I walk up to him am I bending over and dropping over the box and having all those things so I would add all those things so a lot of people would look at that and say oh I only have I already wrote the scene for it but then you have

but even even though you don't have that many lines you're showing them six out of ten people walked in and said missus syat yeah I got a box for your sign here right yeah they walked out no I'm gonna get as much camera time as I can I'm gonna go and I'm gonna stretch this fucking two scene out did someone tell you this who did anyone tell you this stuff or nobody tells you you just know that more camera time you're winning a you're winning a mind battle you're trying to go in there and let them know you're the fucking

they gotta stop after this so you gotta hit them with every fucking part of you they're gonna pay you scale plus 10 or they might pay a thousand a day or whatever the fuck it is you gotta go in there with everything I used to go to auditions with so many people that would get there sign their name and then pick up the lines and go over the shit and out there and I'd sit there and I go how do they do this I've been working on this for a day and a half non-stop like I know these four sheets backwards and

frontwards I don't even need these sheets okay but let's say you get one of those one line auditions two line auditions how do you book those I went on so many of those and got my fucking ass handed to me till I finally figured out it was just like stand up I have to go give them everything I got so I would walk in there and trip and then come up with the box and drop it Mr. Lee yeah even then there you go you just bought yourself another second and I'm glad because you you did it within the audition because I was

thinking earlier that the editor might just go from the beginning to the end and I was like he might cut out some of the stuff you do between takes no even if you know no no no you're not getting none of this you're already thinking about the editor there's no thinking about the editor you have to beat up those three people in the room the editor doesn't even exist you haven't even shot nothing yet god the editor don't know nothing you know what they're gonna use of you they're gonna go and they're gonna show you in a room giving fucking the guy a box and you

signing and leaving but in reality you want to walk in then give them what's gonna happen all right so you're walking in there with the box under your arm and you push through the fucking door and you put the box down and all of a sudden you go Mr. Syat yeah and you look around maybe you see something on the wall I got delivery for you and then you look back at the wall all that stuff is buying time when I booked that Arliss I'll never forget I got this now I know how to book the long ones and

I know how to book the short ones I gotta bring the long ones to fucking life the little ones I gotta bring to life that's why people don't book those little rolls because they don't know how to take two lines and bring them to life it took me fucking three years of 10 to 15 auditions a month and just getting like so for you had three years of not really booking much nothing nothing from 98 to 2001 I went on the coldest fucking spell you could go on and I went to the end on everything

tears would come down my face it was so cold blooded like cold blooded like I go from movie that I didn't even belong on the set and I'd be auditioning auditioning callback callback but in those days there was such high volume that I would have something going on every week you know what I'm saying like I would audition on a Tuesday get a call back for Thursday so Friday you had something to live for so were you canceling gigs or then oh fuck yeah people getting pissed off at me I was featuring though I wasn't really in line I was

featuring for Rogan featuring on my own so I would get a call on Friday telling me Monday you're going to see everybody so in those days there used to be a pre-read a read and a callback and a second callback so you would have four chances to impress whoever so you're ready for this right okay I would do the pre-read and then by the time I got to this read I'd have this read already ready so I'd have two different reads for this so the second read I'd fucking rock them get a callback

and that read I would have something else on the third read yeah and so now I'm going up against somebody who they're gonna pay a lot of money against you know what they want to see me again and I would go in there and do that read combine the two of them and give them more personality because everybody's gonna be in the room and dog I would lose the row and I didn't give a fuck because I was getting places where I knew I couldn't get to have you ever had one of those casting agents who you saw on one of those roles

book you now or book you like later on any month now what am I guess all the time yeah I did but you developed relationships yeah you'd like the guy from the longest yard like the guy this is crazy the guy from the longest yard when he booked me his assistant was Wendy O'Brien Wendy O'Brien went on to book Sons of Anakin so when you deal with those people those assistants so the ones that really get you in and out of that room like there's a comedy check around 10 Julie something she booked me in five four or five pilots

I love it at that I can't believe I can't remember her name but her assistants they go out at that 20 that 22 23 26 they go out to the comedy store they watch you don't know how many times I get auditioned from young casting people they come out they go back and go I don't know what you're looking at let me tell you what's happening you know what I'm saying like you're looking at this Asian chick for this role you better fucking check out fucking Ali Wong or you're looking for this white chick check

out fucking Sarah Tiana whoever you know what I'm saying fucking Felicia but that's what gets you into those rooms like the people who analyze that okay her assistant went on to book she became a casting director I don't know what she's casting now but she was casting the show Christalia was on not unbreakable but Whitney she called me in for Whitney oh yeah yeah when she was doing because are you developed relationships and they'll call you in for their shows that's how everyone starts that's how you do it that's how you do it like

right now Billy horrendo was on the show last week he moved here for his to support his daughter's acting career she graduated from stellar addler now you got a resume they got to build that resume and it's and it sucks and it's bullshit as long as you know it's bullshit it makes your life easier so are there actors who just get discovered and I know where I come straight to starring or are all the new stars really 12 15 20 years into their acting career you know me this is all a fucking

if you don't try you don't know dick I mean who knows the walkway to the start who knows who knows I tell you about that girl that's mad at me because I didn't do nothing with a script I looked in the face like let me ask you something if I could do something with a script we think I'd be packing my fucking luggage every two weeks and going on the road who knows what the passage is for me it was always hard work if you want something you gotta go after it you know the others have like I used to get the breakdowns the breakdowns are what the

general casting people look at and then they call you in for auditions it's the notices they send out for different movies and the first thing I would do when I wake up is get a couple coffee smoke pot and go through the fucking breakdowns so by the time my agent got to work at 10 he'd have an email from me with the roles I want to go in for is it hard to get stuff off the breakdowns though because that's what seems like applying to an internet job everyone sees it no not the breakdowns okay they don't

agency and managers see it yes it's the bottom rung of casting if that's what you mean yes it is a little higher like you there's cattle calls in there but there's also every tv show that shot all right every tv show that shot now let's say I'm a writer at William Morris the people on the UFC and I write a script but before I write that script I see who fucking William Morris has right right okay and when I write this script I'm writing that script with that actor that William Morris has

I don't know throw somebody's name at me that's a big star I'm Channing Talum Channing sure all right Talum Channing let's say he's an actor William Morris and I'm a writer I want to write some with him in mind because I know that the agents could package it so though let's say who else they have I don't know they have Kevin Hart boom boom right of row for Kevin Hart we'll put them in there together it's a buddy comedy they have directors they have writers they make money on every level so they make money they package the movie so they cast it

with them as much as they can and then they drop the other casting out and that's what you get oh so it's not even it's not even what they're great actors well even if they are I'm sure they are but at that high at that level at that high level of the movie it's it matters mostly what agency they are yes CAA, ICM they have literary departments so they're basically commercials for the agencies so okay you have an agency you know I'm with CAA they have writers right yeah

so the first thing when somebody writes something the CAA is gonna package it that means you're gonna give them the top director that CAA has which is Todd Phillips okay so if I'm a writer at CAA I know that I could get I could go on IMDB and get the list of their actors and who directors they have and I go to work Jack if it's a great script I go I go in and I get this guy this guy I attach this director now let's CAA package that motherfucker right so the breakdowns are the fucking dumplings

of what's left with television not so much the problem today with television people don't know is that there's so much shitty you know all these other Netflix's know that they're great but a lot of them don't pay the big-time actors so the big-time actors have figured out that television pays them more so let's pretend they're looking for a guest star or a mobster they'll call me in Lee and I'll go to producers but guess what the day before producers they already made an offer to see the guy from the

sopranos and he and that he they're gonna give it to him they made an offer and did they like do you get mad because they know that you they knew or that's part of the game okay you know you remember that commercial where the guy kept kept getting hit by a fucking car and shit couple remember for a year the guy from uh good-looking guy oh yeah the guy from 30 Rock or the guy with the deep voice I think no he was a white guy yeah and he would go uh you know you ever been to a party

and this happens and also he would throw like a cannonball off the tree right yeah but what's that white dude's name and then he would come in his suit would be smoking yeah yeah I'm talking uh not good year it was one of those insurance companies all state all state okay so when they got him they were I went to an audition one day and I saw one of my buddies there and we started talking and I go what are you here for when he goes I'm in room four

I'm in here for whatever that commercial was but I go really what is he goes oh this commercial's crazy it's about a guy who gets hit by a car dragged down the street and he causes accidents and he does this and this and this and dog I never thought about it I went downstairs to Petco I got some cat food well on that I think we'll learn to one of them it was someone somebody that's what it looks like him though right I went downstairs and I got the cat food and I got my car and I left okay anyway I bump into the guy nine months later

and I go how you doing let me start talking and he goes yeah he's been terrible alien he goes you see a commercial with that dude and I go yeah he goes that's the commercial you saw me reading for that day at La Brea 200 La Brea and I and we started talking he goes that's how bad luck I'm having like they offered that guy that when we were there that day I go dog there was 80 people there like some and how you know is there's benches and it says room three room four room five

if you're not if your auditions in room three you're sitting close by because you want to hear what they're saying so all the other ones were empty there was 80 people there why wouldn't you know why because they have the budget the budget for what to waste people's time oh just that to have an important it's a casting it costs money for me to get you Nikolai and your assistant Elroy to show up with a camera and read people for fucking ten hours that cost money you charge me like five thousand

dollars a day for that Jesus that quit they'll do that for three fucking days just knowing that they have an offer out just to burn through on the on the budget burn through on the budget motherfuckers so you live a fucking learn every day see yeah it's getting easier and easier here when you just realize that everything's about money Saratiana how are you feeling my love any better you got a little bit better control now good good get some rest don't

worry about nothing we got brownies coming don't eat the brownies don't eat the brownies but eat the brownies it's good for you they got sugar in them they'll bring you back to life and she will suddenly on a fucking run me and Leo go get your hot dogs or something now we're still going there it's all right you have a spot tonight all right making sure it wasn't like the next day no no no we still wouldn't be get the pillow hug the pillow we ain't gonna leave you alone you're gonna be fine sometimes people you know

that's the how many stars did you eat that late i think i think you mean didn't eat me seven seven seven i've been counting i ate like nine of them you didn't see you can't mind but you had two years please like i ate three for every one you have no you didn't know get me got me eating 21 please stop it i was eating i ate at least nine stars of your eight seven i eat them like nothing you owe me two stars i don't know how you two stars get the fucking snack in a second okay bank with you i'm going

along on this weekend governors oh shit then the following week thursday night working i would uncle joy ten bucks at the ice house we'll have a good little time week show with the agustino shut up james what are you giggling about this is what you said ten bucks ten bucks come on you have a couple fucking cocktails at the ice house you eat some sushi and pasadena and you fucking go home by 10 30 who's better than you i'm trying to get people home early i don't wait people lurking at it and

that it makes me nervous i can't sleep at night without the podcast people that's the main goal of your shows just to get people home early early i need you home by 11 by the time the news you know what's going on in the world you know i don't want you to watch kim on the fuck all that nonsense i need for you to watch the first 15 minutes of the news so you never once told me to watch the news because it don't matter you're not going to watch it anyway i've been telling you for years to stop eating humming she's supporting isis every time you buy a home machine

a dollar goes to fucking isis and you keep giving them money giving them money so next time they'll lepo somebody that's you that put the money in their fucking pocket next time you see a kid with dust in his eyeballs think of the fucking time you were dipping having a good time with paula then you go back to the house and you both smell each other's fucking hummus farts that's a really fucking destroys my inside to sit there with somebody and smell their hummus farts your ass is pointed at them and their

ass is pointed at you it's like korea and america jesus christ two years six years i know you please stop eating that shit never you go in there you eat that great i didn't like it right that they get from syria after they bomb the joint where do they get that chicken after they bomb a joint they send those chickens over for ten cents on a dollar there was an agent i forget what his fucking name was he owned the agency what i meant rich super and the guy from uh it was called high ag you know how that guy made all his

money important third world chickens to fucking uh like companies like mcdonald's chickens that were missing an eye and a leg that's what you get in those fucking restaurants and you're gonna keep going in there eating that third world nuclear fucking war chicken shit with that fucking hummus that just clogs you up every time you eat hummus look it's it's amazing it's it's all carbohydrates it's 9 000 fucking cars we think eating

uh yeah yeah fucking beans that garbanzo shit they put at the chop salad my favorite italian restaurant don't put garbanzo beans in my salad i'll fucking stab you i'm even mad at the fucking garbanzo bean i grew up on garbanzos i'm fucking cuban we used to make a thing called garbanzo frito it's fried garbanzos with chorizo with onions and peppers jesus christ and they got to cook them in one of those uh brown things like you live in new mexico like a like a hot one of those those ceramic brown

oh delicious there's a little clay clay like bowls or something sure sure what's the last thing you remember sarin a room spinning last thing i remember disneyland no that's what you were thinking of before you went down yeah really you were thinking about disneyland yeah say those stars work in weird ways sometimes you get to see either stars save the hundred and nineteen dollars there you go who wants to pay 119 they go down to fucking disneyland 90 degree heat and walk around with those fucking suckers do you see him like that i really don't the edc is like a

electronic festival like the band i like went there okay but there were like 400 medical events at night because it was 116 degrees out where in vegas yeah you would never see me in the middle of vegas doesn't if it was 116 you should go out there i would probably jump up and down take paula eat hummus it'll be like fucking jones town and spread the hummus by the time they get there'll be 300 little bodies laying out there like fucking jones town like jim jones and shit people damn 116 fucking degrees

and that taking ecstasy and that shit you take ecstasy and the fucking heat like that you know what happens to you and you jump up and down and drink water i mean it's if you keep drinking water your temperature shoots up look at fucking carry fisher heroin methadone cocaine ecstasy are you fucking kidding me or what are you fucking kidding me or what and she was 60 years old guys i'm 54 years old i don't know about the future i know who's gonna win i don't know who's getting impeached i don't know nothing i do know one thing

i will never snort cocaine again i will never do fucking heroin again i like to joke with you people and fuck around listen i would never want to do that to my daughter even take the chance i made a promise on a cat 10 years ago i'm coming up on that promise in november i can't imagine doing drugs and fucking 60 i can't even imagine why i lie and if you say i'm a hypocrite i don't give a fuck i love my pot i love my fucking uh my little egg gummy bears there's seven calories a piece

okay you know i drink water the whole time there's alcohol in there you know not the weed but you you got clean what eight years ago nine years ten years november ten November wow if you hadn't and you had some and had been lucky enough to survive done don't you think you would have been doing it done yeah with the plane right now wouldn't even have made it to 60 i think you're just gonna sleep at me she was choking up in the fucking sky

god knows what else she had in the system you know they said she had prescriptions for this this this and this and that she had no prescription for oxy cotton jesus so later she's got it when you have what i have you could fuck around with his addicts from time to time i could fuck around with the thc but once right now for me for me to take like uh like my buddy gives me those things on the east coast

i love them to death and they're fucking tremendous for flying am i right sarah those little fucking valium's those sticks my friend my childhood friend gives me two or three of them they last me a year because i break them down little pieces and i eat them in a whole like let's say i get to a hotel room and i gotta be up at six for radio i'll pop one of those at the airport as i'm landing when i'm picking up my luggage so by the time i get to my hotel there's no drama i go nappy noona time and i don't lose no fucking sleep because if not

i'm on california timely right so midnight here it's three a.m on the east coast i gotta get up in three hours i can't take the chance you'll be dead absolutely so you pop one of those i do know one thing i can't eat a whole stick of those i won't make it back because what happens is it slows down your heart your breathing stops at the sleep apnea sleep apnea is a complete different animal when you're doing drugs if they go back 50 years ago they're gonna

find that sleep apnea is a motherfucker and once you have it you gotta be very careful especially on those planes before i go on a plane dog i do so many things to prepare like what and i learned over the years from experimentation i know this light to be on a plane hello from the night before i know this light to be on a plane and do a couple blasts on the plane because you think you're cute i know this to be on a plane so i figured out in all the years of flying as a comedian what works before a flight enduring to

make it easier a good night's sleep you need a good night's sleep before you fly six seven good hours so you're ready to go so there's no fuck that i'm gonna sleep two hours to sleep on the fucking plane you land feeling like dick it's not worth the aggravate you're trying to run on the way to the gig on the way home and even on the way home you know i try to get three or four in remember four is a lot better than nothing dog yeah three hours and a shower and a

cup of coffee is a lot better than nothing a shower and a cup of coffee that's true i mean so no alcohol you you you're fucking watering the whole time and you're prepared for every situation on the plane i got blood pressure medication on me i got fucking gazelle the fish with me that you know it wasn't like i was teetering on death 10 15 years ago teetering teetering because my sleep apnea was really really bad i was completely out of shape

completely i mean i'm no fucking jacqueline but at least i could go upstairs and run around the corner and go to jujitsu and throw kettlebells around and hit the bag you know 10 15 years ago i wasn't doing that way you were just doing comedy and that's it so every time i was doing those sleeping pills i wasn't doing sleeping pills you know i was doing those down all pms those things will fly i was eating four at a time those fucked me up for a fucking semester oh my god they fucked me up

so much they threw my equilibrium off i couldn't walk that's why i don't mess with those things because you can't sleep without the last time i ate them was in where i typed the cd what was the name of zany's uh not nashville not rosemont rosemont that's not this time when i taped the cd either the time before that or the time before that there was no radio on saturday morning so i fucking took them on friday night friday night and i woke up saturday morning and my equilibrium was done i got vertigo with

shit i had a fucking watch tv at 3 p.m the next day or something oh it's terrible i was taking four a night and falling asleep with cigarettes in my hands watching tv in the living room with the sleep apnea i'm a lucky dude man trust me i'm fucking telling you but right now i have a great time a lot of people might criticize us you know what i'll eat those stars so they put me in the fucking grave and when they invent little stars that have more punch to them like when they invent the 500 milligrams with three calories guess what

lee we're switching up like the jeff is why do i have to be promised like to the grave plan because you're my partner in crime absolutely we've been starting the church's day one the church has maintains it's fucking different you gotta maintain a sense of decency i want people to know when they refer to the church and lisa i had that we're like the wool tank line ain't nothing to fuck with never you know if not people got no respect and they go those guys are just hollywood guys

that make believe that what come on what do you got no i'll do one i'll do one no no eat two eat two so we're even no no no now we're even we're even if i do one no now you're even and i'm gonna let me slide on one because you ate seven so eat two and that's nine and we're even i'll do one no you got that one right there remember you messed up the don't don't make me tell you i didn't mess up how you doing sabertan are you hungry at all what do you want to eat what are you in the mood for like in and out burgers um

that would fucking kill you wouldn't it what do you mean no people like in and out burger are you back in your sea straight yeah yeah i just want to be at sea straight so i can drive home she's a tiny girl she ate a star without knowing he's another star to respect her right we'll rip up the ads and we'll get the fuck out of you when you're making like difficult for eat the other one it's right down the table cut this shit you got nothing going

on tomorrow you got nothing you got nothing no more you're gonna go there and rub your feet when you call me at eight a.m go to the gym now no i'm still high as fuck that's when you go to the gym i'm at four a.m you're 28 years old it doesn't mean anything six hours of sleeping your tip top fucking my group doesn't mean that you get up you're fucking eat a bowl you smoke a little bowl you go on the computer you do your thing you smoke a little bowl you eat a nice bowl of cereal

and you go to you go in your mingle with people you said you want to be a fucking network or and shit like that i'm sorry about that those fucking things are strong even the 125s you just threw me in the back and you said here and i was like oh i can't you're like they're really like you just eat like yeah that 125 these things three or four no i said leave a little bit i would never tell you to eat three or four you said you need to take half take half to start just to see what happens to you

it hits your heart good good but you recovered you didn't have no hospital visits yeah your boyfriend's looking for you he's been calling you where are you yeah am i yeah just tell him listen fucking i came over here and i ate an apple and next thing you know i'm sorry about that sarah listen you got a lot better than old benjamin he got up and started walking and he walked for about two hours he walked for two hours just like down the road taking about his life around the park and stuff my brother pulled on benjamin

like a week later he moved to vermont that's where the light you know what i'm saying so maybe you'll see the light maybe whatever's going on you want to finish up the podcast with us are you still yeah get in here let's do this shit do this shit you're as tough as nails yeah tough as nails he's fucking a lana woman don't fuck around let's give sarah tiana a round of applause here she had a little mishap i tell people all the time that this

matter doesn't there's thc uh not mishaps with accidents i don't know how many times i'm going to do something serious and i take a bong for granted right you look at it you fill it up you hit it and you walk out the house you get in your car and you're like holy shit i mean what's the story there's one more star there with your name no that's 1600 you gotta do two more league don't start with me because now i'll raise you i'll raise the big back up to fucking 1800 because you had that 16 but i took

fucking a thousand off for the weekend stop crying one more star and we both did equal amounts this poor girl took a nap on the couch stop your crying all right stop your crying it is time for you to stop your sobbing so what else is going on in your world this weekend now you're going to roast alpapi big poppy big poppy now is he retired now let me ask you he retires on friday he retired it's his last game friday no he's he's already has last game they're retiring his

number at fenway oh my god he's got his number already that's good good for him yeah it's a different world now you gotta wait like 20 years and get them all a fame nothing 10 months they retire number he was he was the king of boss i mean he had a restaurant on one point not in front of him next to mine is that your definition of the king yeah that's all i need it wasn't even his he's his restaurant he's the king you know he's the king

what kind of food was it uh nothing it was just it was just american steak house but he is more now he is every he is but he uh i just remember he when he came to boss and he just he was young and he he didn't come with much like fanfare from Minnesota but he was he just started hitting home runs and he was that he was amazing he was his dh that's all he did was come up hit monster home runs and and walk on he's just mean this mean bug look it was great i love i love it that's the cool thing about you sarah that

you really are very very active in all sports basketball football you're very well uh what's the word fluid whatever the form influence story in form that's the word right there uh sometimes i mean i don't know what's going on right now uh somebody talked about basketball greg billy horrendous talked about basketball i watched like eight minutes of the finals they're the worst and that was it and i'm excited for baseball you know i i'm not a fucking july baseball

type of guy or an august i start watching like september's that when you start paying attention once september comes you're gonna see good old-fashioned american fucking baseball with spanish people playing it spanish people yeah because i'm not you know i'm saying i'm not following nobody from the all-star break but it's pretty interesting when somebody goes okay these guys have won 13 out of the last uh 16 since the all-star break they're on to something something clicked in july

that you maybe if you see it's interesting if you like i would go to more dodger games there's no reason to live here if a you don't go to the beach and b you're not involved in the local athletics let's face it i'd love to go to yeah i'd love to go more to laker games but that 200 dollar ticket could suck my dick i got my pride the dodger games that's not bad you got a good little ticket from time to time leaker hooked you up i still think we got some score big money

in the account we got to use it up uh and who else you got you got hockey in time oh the kings you got the dodgers i i don't like the other team the clippers i want to go down there and see them no no they're gonna move fuck them well sarah do you like uh minor league baseball i like minor league baseball not them i don't really follow he don't like when you don't follow it but you don't go into the games oh yeah i like don't listen to jolly smooch let me tell you what happened jolly smooch he was freaking out that he could save 40 dollars no it's more

expensive to go to those games with the dollar tickets to daughter's stadium he thought he goes to rauncho cocomanda yeah it's harder for you to get fucking stabbed by gang members no you can't with his girlfriend to watch minor league baseball they don't even know what's going on nobody watches minor league baseball this is what i deal with on a fucking daily base and don't encourage them to piss no beats she just got the job this guy works two fucking days a week he's gonna work 10 years before he sees another fucking vacation they understand me

there's no vacations as a matter of fact i got special jobs for young saturdays for the rest of the year and shit no fucking vacations if you eat that star maybe i'll alleviate some of the saturday work and shit load and maybe i'll let you slip out the back of the pismo beach and now we got shit to do on saturdays from that one so whatever i'm in town tonight you gotta report to the commission and drop an envelope off what else is going on in your world you're in love

yeah how long now you've been with johnny henson um like a year and a half now oh shit it's serri are you living with him no you still kept it fucking i want a ring and then maybe yeah no but how's it feel awesome it feels like i have a teammate what does he do if he don't mind me he's a sportscaster beautiful yeah this fits perfectly this fits perfectly since you've been with him have you lost your zeal for comedy a little bit are you looking to get married you're thinking about i mean what do you think

you love comedy this much oh no it just helps my comedy i mean i write about him okay so i think it's great for my comedy you're happy you look beautiful yeah i feel every time i see you look beautiful this is the real pretty you have a special glow to you so i can tell you're in love with him it's been fun it's just i was having this conversation with some money how women come here they start fucking kicking ass then one day they show up at the store pregnant

and you're like what the fuck and they have the kid they come they come they come like 10 or 11 more look we gotta think about there's no beats see he knows that we do it on the church we ain't fucking around no more kudos to lisa and shit like that but no i'm happy that you're still hitting comedy hard last time i'm sitting there waiting to go up and i look over and i see a girl that kind of looked like stephanie eskender oh and i go jesus christ what was the last time i saw stephanie eskender in a commercial

that's last time it was funny one time i saw her in la joya and i was headlining or co-headlining it was like one of those three headlining shows and she was the opener and she came up to me and she goes like you spent the night in the condo like oh no i'm not i'm driving back and she goes i think you should stay i don't trust the headline i think he's gonna rape me as some shit oh so i set up my always terrible i fucking hate that condo but i always think about that story i always like stephanie she was dating

duncan at the time or whatever but then i bumped into her on san amonica boulevard she pulled up behind me with a fucking car seat you know she's got a kid and her husband's a writer she's like i don't do stand-up no more once in a fucking great while she'll go to some club and fucking help those releases so i just don't want this to happen to you and shit i'm what you're lingering for a few more years before you get knocked up you're still young oh yeah no i have plenty of time what else been going on

just been on the road i have to go to bed i feel like i can't keep my head up oh my god it's still got you i think i have to uber home you got what i'll move my car and you can put your car into my spot it's a uber home don't worry about nothing you can leave my home how far krisher had a uber home tom ciggura tom ciggura had a uber home tom told me that yeah poor tom had to pull over and uber home the poor guy

it's all right it happened you're as tough as nails no fucking shame over here at the fucking the church what's happening now is it fun at least are you having fun sure it's monday night we're gonna do a spot nothing yeah nothing going on you shot a video with josh wofrel poppy yeah you ate an edible el poppy what's his name big pop whatever big el poppy you think those little white girls up in north boston give a fuck he's leaving that's a paycheck jack

those little skinny white hoes they've been sucking that dominican dick for 10 years that day well how big is he six eight two ninety he's got a fucking dick as big as a fucking little league bat you know what i'm saying he that thing is darker than dark it's three shades of dark dark like three shades dark he's been sparing white women in half like bill cosby and shit for fucking 10 15 years it's over cock suckers he's getting retired they'll all be there for the last little paycheck

then last little 75 piece and that's that he goes back to the dominican republic with his 82 fucking million dollars it's amazing what lee what sounds like a beautiful line oh my god poor sarah tl i feel so bad see lee you can't be leaving the stars on the table i'll open like that what are you talking about jean from the bank so well we're cheating from we think it falls out of the fucking sky so what happened above the table anyway long island this weekend

friday saturday the podcast tonight we're gonna redo it some other fucking time with and next time we'll keep sarah away from the edibles completely we didn't know about this she didn't know about this it happens to the best of us we kept it alive let me read the little sponsors and we'll get you the fuck out of here you savages you how you doing lisa at least i went deep i went deep in the murky waters this is all part of it people we ain't but this ain't no fucking uh general hospital some reality show

we set it up here we're doing that to you we're trying our best we're trying the best to stay on top have interesting characters and that what's the matter you're looking at me like you don't trust me what's going on i've never been i've never been never been told that before what's that i'm looking at you like i don't trust you you're looking at me like i know you're 2250 or something like that for a better shoes do you do why you're fucking only 2250 you tell me maybe a second anyway let me let me tell you

something about four years ago back when we were in the apartment we had dollar shave club and they would send us razors every weeks and the shaving cream and i had a fucking overload of razors after about a year and a half of working together we parted ways you know you can't do well with a product that's just the way marketing is but i kept all those razors and that handle from three years ago four years ago i still have that handle so all of a sudden when they contacted me and they

said do you still are you interested in doing dollar shave are you crazy you people have a great product i got no complaints i still got your product i still use your product the one i missed the most was the dr sharp car with shave butter but anyway listen you want to get a great shave at a great price you know like any other american whatever conveniently delivered right to your door it's an often it's an awesome life hack and a no-brainer choice you no longer have to shut up to the store

to buy a cheap disposable razor that gives you a cheap shave and you end up with a skin like mine or spend the fortune on razors with gimmicky shaving tech you don't really need and when i when i use my dsc executive razor with the dr carvis shave butter the blade just goes down like it's unbelievable i do it in the shower so by the time i get the shaving i put conditioner in my hair and i put the dr carvers on and it all glues on together

and it just comes off like like nothing like you're just peeling a mango do you understand me the dr carvis shave butter is transparent for a more precise shave and it helps prevent ingrown hairs and it fights razor bumps you can you can make the smarter choice by joining dollar shave club i'm telling you as your uncle joey this is the way to go this is how it works for a limited time new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of dr carvis shave butter for only five dollars

with free shipping where you're gonna get that deal from after that razors are just a few bucks a month that's a fifteen dollar valley for five dollars in your first box i'll tell you what you're gonna get you're gonna get an awesome weighty handle you're gonna get a full cassette of four cartridges and a tube of dr carvis shave butter who's better than you after the first month replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price there's no hidden fees and guess what there's no commitments you're done cancel at any time

but i'm telling you once you get the razor once you get the dr carvers you will not cancel you can only get there exclusively i'll tell you where you get this only at dollarshaveclub.com slash church ch u r c h that's dollarshaveclub.com slash church i'm giving you a fifteen dollar value for five dollars i'm giving you the first month of the executive razor with a tube of dr carvis shave butter five dollars dollarshaveclub.com slash church number two you know how we do it dog

i'm always trying to help you guys out whether it's uh something i've gone through if i was out there busting my ass right now i don't know what i'd be doing but i'll tell you one thing i'd be doing if i had a nice car i'd be driving for lift you know why because every time i take lift i got no problems lee takes lift all the time it's my feeling when i go i choose to go with so lift knows that their drivers are what keep them moving so they do everything they can to make sure their driver's on

are happy on every tip it's a simple formula happy drivers means happy passengers right maybe that's why nine out of ten lift rides get a perfect five star rating now you can earn a hundred dollars a week plus tips you want to earn more money you drive more it's never been easy to give yourself a raise lift was the first ride share platform with tipping built right into the app because getting tipped shouldn't depend on your passenger having a crumpled building in their pocket

you keep 100 of the tips and they add up fast drivers have been paid over 200 million dollars since the feature was first introduced and express pay lets you get paid almost instantly instead of waiting weeks for your money lift has even taken the guesswork out of pickups the new amp devices they use color coding to help passengers find their drivers i've seen them on the streets they look great they look great it's great for big events so you can tell

which one you're supposed to go which i'm telling you listen guys if you're thinking about a gig this is the one for you so join the ride sharing company that believes in treating its people better go to lift.com right now slash joey lift.com slash joey right now and i'll tell you what we're gonna do we're gonna get you a 500 dollar new driver bonus that's lift.com slash joey it's a simple formula happy drivers mean happy passengers go to lift.com slash joey i'm gonna get you a 500

dollar new bonus new driver bonus limited time only terms apply i also want to thank honor.com go to honor.com and press in church and get 10% off whether it's the shroom tech the alpha brain or the or the new new shroom tech and the milk shake and a hemp force hemp force the cacao tremendous you understand me i want to thank sarah tiana for coming on i'm very i'm sorry for her eating a bigger amount than what was there

i want to thank my brother lee and i want to thank you people for listening i'll see you guys Wednesday night do not forget governor's this weekend friday and saturday eight and ten and the following week thursday night working out with uncle joey thursday night you come down with your little girl from from work blah blah blah we have a good time lee's day giving out fucking autographs stay black have a great week i'll see you motherfuckers wednesday you

tell us what you're going to do tonight There must be some place you can go In the middle of the tall cracks and the drama There must be someone you know God knows you're looking good enough But you're so smooth and the world's so rough You might have something to lose Oh no, pretty mama

What you call a girl in those shoes Got those pretty little straps around your ankles Got those shiny little chains around your heart You've got to have your independence But you don't know just where to start Desperation and singles bars Crawl with your guns in the fancy cars You can't believe your reviews

Oh no, you can't do that But once you start a girl in those shoes Oh no, pretty mama What you call a girl in those shoes You can't believe your reviews Oh no, pretty mama What you call a girl in those shoes Oh no, pretty mama

What you call a girl in those shoes Looking at you leaning on you Tell you anything you don't know here They give you tablets of love They're waiting for you, got to score you Crawl with the shovel of self-sincere Ooh, they got the kid gloves You just want someone to talk to

They just want to get their hands on you You get whatever you choose Oh no, you can't do that But once you start a girl in those shoes Oh no, you can't do that But once you start a girl in those shoes Oh no, pretty mama What you call a girl in those shoes

Oh no, pretty mama What you call a girl in those shoes What you call a girl in those shoes