Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #494 - Steve Byrne

Episode Date: June 28, 2017

Steve Byrne, comedian, actor, and one of the hosts of  "The Gentleman's Dojo" podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order. Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.  Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey for you first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/26/2017.
  

Got a quality out there from this dude named Steve Chavone just out of the blue Yeah, we talked once a year whenever I go to Buffalo. We go. That's when we talked two days before I land He comes to the hotel we eat lunch. We smoke a joint We hug because he's one of the oldest friends I have in the world from I was crazy Yeah, like he knew me when I was the real deal weapons. We were friends for about From 83 to 87 and then he met Claudine Jean Jay's daughter the chick that killed her husband and Aspen Dog, this is fucked. This is one of the murders one of those celebrity murders. Yeah, that's been she was a hot-looking chick

And he was a hot skier So anyway, me and Steve Chavone became friends at the Indian House in 1983 because they made original East Coast shit Yeah, the only thing they did was add sprouts the first time I've been to one of their sandwiches and I taste the sprouts I almost killed the motherfucker. You understand me. I was a Chavone. What the fuck is this? Yeah, this sprouts I think I'm off you Lisa. Yeah, you know me. I Don't lie about food. It was the only place where I had the curry chicken on rye bread With fucking lettuce tomato. It was sensational. Yeah, these guys were from Buffalo

He had a he had a fucking owner named Amir who was bald headed Kind of a nice guy, but he was a fucking scumbag the face of that restaurant was Steve Chavone And it was the size of this joint. Yeah, and I became friends with Steve in 83 and I disappeared I went back to New York and fucked up and moved into a rocket ship at a park I was homeless that I went I ended up back at Aspen and I'm living in the whole town Across the street from the Indian House. So I'm going over there and I'm eating on the arm You know, yeah, that's great roast beef with Swiss put it on the arm and they liked me that I'm in there I'm the real deal. It's 1984. I got a real New York accent 85. Yeah

And I'm living across those people no time those days, bro. This is the type of motherfucker. I was When I got bored that minute was trying to rub something So I'd be sitting there watching TV and I go tick-tock, you know, I'm sitting here watching the football games There's something out there needs to be rubbed Yeah, that's how fucked up I was and I'm not scared to admit this I would see businesses in the daytime I got I could run this joint this joint don't have an alarm. I kicked this door down take this painting I always had a scam when I was walking big mental notes in those days

It's like Joe Rogan said he goes in the first time I went to Bolton. I looked around I was like I can't picture you in 85 It's like a candy store. Yeah, it's like a candy store. I could pick this shit off like nothing I came from New York City where everything is bolted. They bought you in the bedroom in the back rooms Go to a New York bathroom. They lock in from the outside They bought everything in New York. Yeah place an Aspen So one that I'm bought the pieces and I go, how can I break into the sandwich place? Feeding you the guy has been feeding me that Because I knew they made cash. Yeah, I know we only made deposits once a week

Like Friday's night. They did two three grand a day They're making a deposit a day within your tummy. It might turn out. I was still paying We're on the arm. This is how crazy I was guys. This is how crazy. Oh my god There's only one way in there. Yeah, there was I could go through the front door ticket I like when these would put the cops drive by it's offseason. It was the beginning of the season or I could kick the window on top. You know like the window that flips. Yeah, and in those days I was 185 I was pretty built. I couldn't fit through the thing. I said, how am I gonna bust this riddle? Right and I said, let me do something and I went on top of the roof in the hotel

Which was three stories, but I could see the roof and guess what they had like a little duct to take oh, yeah And I went around the back and voila what's behind the back a fucking ladder that goes right up that stops over here I went up there I picked the fucking thing and I leap down there like spider-man. Yeah, I like my shoulder I still probably have a scarf I cut like my shoulder, but nothing the adrenaline kicks up when you're burglar Sure enough, I went in there and I was correct. There was fucking 1800 hours or something And I made like I'm not gonna pay I made a sandwich. I took like a piece of bread They walked out the front door like I owned the joint. Yeah the next day

When I went in there like I wouldn't they're like nothing of your pieces of meat, maybe like I wouldn't they're like nothing And guess what I went around the top, right? I went back. I emptied my pockets Yeah, I went back out on the roof and screwed everything down again like nothing happens Gentlemen, you know me Yeah, I gotta rob them and leave the latch open. Yeah, the next day when they get a sandwich in there But Steve Chavone and I still became friends. Does he know this or you're gonna hear this and go no like Okay, we were doing blow one night. He got a dog called Cali a half wolf dog Yeah, and I had a German

And they used to play with each other and I was house sitting and on Friday nights I would have a little cocaine party. So one night we got the coat up and he goes dog Did you rob that fucking sandwich place? No, no, come on, you know, I did And I saw that box. Yeah, you're the first person I thought He goes to this day. We really can only really can't blame you because how the fuck did you get it? Yeah, he goes, I'm gonna lose my job. He goes. I almost lost my job because they thought I gave you the key Oh, he goes the next day we went in there and the door was open How did you get right? Yeah, yeah, they didn't even know that I jumped down there like spider-man. That's when I found

That's when I found the fucking way in those days That's how I used to find the fucking way. It was crazy. Yeah That's a crazy fucking story Anyway, this podcast is brought to you By me undies listen to me There's a new there's a reason I've been telling you about me on these for months now There's simply the softest most comfortable underwear you'll ever Have on once you try them you won't want to wear anything else

Trust me when I'm telling you if you go to my house my underwear draw all you see is a color of Different me on these and right now I'm gonna get you 20% off your first pair plus free shipping at me on these dot com Slash Joey right now. That's me on these dot com slash Joey. This show is also brought to you by Quip here's something that you on many recent studies suggest that having good oral health impacts your overall health Yet most of us do not brush our teeth properly You can start brushing better today with quip the new company that's refreshing people the way the Refreshing the way people brush their teeth quip is an electronic toothbrush that packs premium vibration And a timer feature into an ultimate slim design right now

Go to quip.com slash Joey to get your first refill pack free with the quip electric toothbrush That's your first refill pack free at quip.com slash Joey go to quip GETQUIP Com slash Joey and get your first refill pack free number three. Let me explain something for all these days Over with mother's day is over with and you're still walking around with a filthy fucking asshole. Let me tell you something Don't do it. It's June 26th if your asshole is stinking up a storm now Can you imagine during bikini season when that fucking muffler is overheating with humidity that should stop today

Go to hello tushy.com. You know why because the bidet is back bitch No longer do you have to walk around with swamp ass if your monkeys got wanked to it? If your nutsack has a little fucking patois to it or in certain genus a quah You don't need that in your life no more in summertime Keep that muffler refreshed and keep those balls and monkey refreshed go to hello tushy.com right now and get 10% off when you go to hello tushy.com slash church there you go right now That's who presents this church to you coming at you kick that mulee I only play this type of music when one guest is announced his name is Steve Byrne

Direct from Pittsburgh. We ain't fucking around here. You understand me. He grew up on the mean streets of Pittsburgh He ain't one of you fucking opi dope motherfuckers Looking at the floor when you tell me you're gonna do something your fucking nuts You can learn something Steve Byrne It's Tuesday September 27th. It's the luckiest day your fucking life cocksuckers Listen to chef. This is for the guitar. There's one black people with black people listen to this shit These people wouldn't even be invited to beat the awards Anyways the church what's happening now cocksucka

June 26th the day the devil was buried at sea fucked in the ass gang rape and etc etc Steve Byrne in the house who is the man who fuck you up with his little fucking hand It's Sad to believe that Isaac Hayes became a Scientologist after he wrote this he got scared You know that shit now. That's why he got that pistachio commercial three years ago You're sitting there. Go look keep that keep that alive keep this black keep that soul lively because it kicks in Isn't that why he left South Park not because of the but it was because of his beliefs Yeah

Good to see you my brother always good to see just read your fucking love you Twitter and I laugh my ass Your little poses. This is a black people black people. Here we go I Want to go solve a crime Kill this kill this meal was so funny good to see you, but it's a truth This reminds me of being maybe ten When this came out, this is one of those movies that black people went crazy and I was part of the movement Like I was there. I was a kid nice. Yeah all the impact and I finally you know like you weren't cool till you went to see this

Chef yeah, when I was growing up there was no standing on line for Apple You know what Marvel movies now if you went to those you got beat up The plan was to come back and brag to your ten-year-olds that you went to see an R rated movie Yeah, and people would flip out like how'd you do it? What movie theater cuz then you would find out there was always one chick that didn't ask you yeah Like I went to see the exorcist the longest yard Into the drag or at the same movie to like I saw Academy of Woodward is it Tommy? It could be an R rated movie or it could be a PG movie. She never asked me for that's great

But I still remember going to the exorcist and the line To go to the exorcist name and I thought I'd like kids in it's really scary and I went in there She's like go right ahead. I was like oh shit Did you look older though? No, I was ten. Yeah, you're okay. Where was the theater was it in I guess 48th Street and Bergen line Avenue what work every time I drive by and I beep the fucking horn is it nice or kind of like More blue collar respect it was blue collar in those days. Okay. It was the movie theater was 20 blocks from my mother's bar Okay, my mother would let me walk there and I'm telling you Tommy the longest yard

French connection Anything violent like that. I could go back to Catholic school on Monday Barber Ella. I don't remember. We're gonna see Barbara But I still remember going along Iraqi Rocky. I still remember seeing the longest yard there Yeah, and the movie theater was on their feet yelling and then what was it like to actually that's why I mean That's crazy, right different when I got this The whole first two weeks all I thought about was me being a kid and walking out of there with John Bender Yeah, you know Domnex speciale and walking home and we were the mean machine. Yeah, that was it that football season We were gonna be the mean machine. We played flag football and that was it. You know I'm saying yeah

It's fucking weird enter the dragon. I probably went to see it there Every night while it was there I don't remember enter the dragon coming out and like a couple days later. He's dead and people were like yeah What the fuck are you talking about? Because there was no internet then. Yeah, so only Chinese people know the news that hit Chinatown and then it spread outward Yeah, and by the time I got I was three weeks late to the party. I was heartbroken. I Found out yeah, I found out like a week after he died. Yeah, and I couldn't believe it That's how removed you were from the Asian community. Well, no, I'm those days. I went to Chinatown every Saturday

Yeah, we all saved up money to go to Chinatown. Yeah, we go to Chinatown. We'd buy that leather meat We thought it was cool We'd buy the ointment to put on our hands to practice the iron palm technique Yeah, cuz we would watch it in the movies and shit We get a bag you see the canvas bag and fill it up with like chickpeas and pellets And every day like three of us would get together in the afternoon Little fire we burn our hands to the fuck We do all that

No reefer that this is all fucking Yeah, yeah, you know, it's funny when I see Tributes to Bruce Lee and I don't see a 40 year old Like I don't see nobody who even remembered the impact. Yeah, and the disappointment like the impact of Bruce Lee by 1971 by 1972 You fucking knew who Bruce Lee was if you were a kid like he had yeah, he had fucked up Jay He trumped James Bond. He trumped everybody at that time. That's why I enter the dragon is James Bond Yeah, they send them to an island that he meets the chick and it's James Bond

Yeah, they he he trumped James Bond Lee. He had fucked up Denise Wood Charles Bronson was taking it back like this Chinese fucking dude. This can't be yeah, he fucked up the whole market Kung Fu schools Everybody started dressing Chinese. Yeah, everybody bought the fucking shirts with the white shirt underneath that you have to roll up the sleeves Yeah, and then you put the black over that with the thing Everybody bought the shoes including me. My mom even thought of taking me to a psychiatrist. I said, I would eat rice I would burn incense in my room. I would bow. I was fucking losing my mind. You're good at math I was good at math studying the violin the whole fucking day karate breathing

Every night I get together with Mario Diaz who was a Cuban Chinese guy and These other two dudes Glenn Cologne and this other dude after dinner was well known that after you went to your training Yep, and you went home and ate dinner with your family and then did your homework If you could talk your mama how to leave him for a half hour at nine o'clock We would have a guy over there for you and we would train Oh yeah, and bro, it was like a for year every night We would go there and no kicking to the head. Yeah body allow no balls If you want to smack me to let me know that you could get me that's cool

And we would go there and kill each other. We were class first. We do form class One of us, Fujiaopai Kung Fu, he always had beautiful forms, so we'd do some of his forms and then we'd just fucking kill each other. Just destroy each other. Oh my god, that fucking war had holes. I remember his Chinese father came down one day and threw his son, I got the fuck out. I got 2,000 holes in my walls, you fuck. Because you missed the opponent.

Everybody was a kicker. Everybody was Bruce Lee then. Everybody would fight you in a horse stance. Everybody had a straight up side kick. Everybody did the cat noise. America was doing the cat noise. When Bruce Lee died, I know three of us, me, Pino, and Retarded Mike, we walked around devastated for six months.

We didn't believe it. And then the fucking Chinese people, you know they got no respect when it comes to dollars. They started sending over all these Bruce Lies. Oh yeah, all the fake gut, yeah. The first motherfucker that tried to break through was, I got to think of the commercial. Hong Kong, step aside Bruce Lee and make way for Karado, the Hong Kong cat. And this guy had new chucks only with copper on the bottom of them, you know copper tubing for plumbing.

Oh yeah. He ended up in a, he ended up a step and the movie starts where he's fucking two guys up and all of a sudden they're Karado coming for dinner and he's like, I'm gonna see you guys tomorrow. And then he goes into the house on the east, I forget the plot. He's a punctual badass. But once that shit started, I drive, like I never even went to see Game of Death the first time.

Like when they released Game of Death. Yeah, because they patched that together. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't go, none of those, I was done. All those, all those Bruce Lee, I didn't go to the first festival I went to was 93, his 20th anniversary. They did this thing, they released Dragon in New York. I was there.

Oh yeah. I went to the festival. It was pretty cool. That's a good movie, yeah. Dragon was pretty good. Pretty fucking good. It was like a Disney version of, you know, Bruce Lee's real life, you know, that it showed people, spit, not even calling them, you chink, fuck and all that shit, and he's shown

none of that. Yeah. Which is the truth. Yeah. And then really fucking dig them at first, you know. No. Then when they started digging them, the Chinese started hating them, because he's teaching Kung Fu to white people and they're like, dog, you can't be teaching Kung Fu to white

people. That's our secret weapon. Yeah. That's how I'm gonna fuck these motherfuckers up in the year 2017. But he shows a few white people, then it's in every strip mall across the country between a dry cleaners and a hoagie shop, you know. It was. Crazy.

Karate schools were mobbed. Yeah. Karate schools, every teacher started at 330 and he didn't get out of there until 10. And it was all hour classes. Yeah. Kids, advanced kids, men's 13 to 15, 21, and then if you were good 13 to 15, you could stay till 10 and spar and the whole thing. And that was me.

Yeah. I was one of those nerds, man. They'll fucking stop more year in high school. I would hang out with those morons on the weekends who, you know, when I stopped hanging out with them is when I started doing drugs, like I couldn't do drugs around. Yeah. So I had my reefer friends and my drinking friends and I had my karate friends. My karate friends went to the city on Saturdays and we went to karate stores, Honda.

Yeah. We would sit there and dream. Some day I'm going to get that pad and wow, it's $56, that's a lot of money. And then we'd get like a protein drink in the city and we'd go to a Chinatown and go to a Kung Fu movie. My other buddies were like, fuck it. We'd smoke a joint and do THC crystal, the gorilla biscuit, anal dust and we'd go into Chinatown.

Yeah. And then we'd go to leather and buy fireworks and stolen shit. Either way, you're throwing Chinese stars at something, right? Yeah. We would buy Chinese stars, but there was only one thing with Chinese stars that never came sharpened. Yeah. So you'd go home and start throwing them at people and nothing would happen.

They would just go, ouch, and you're expecting the fucking star to stick in their arm or something. Oh my God. You'd better find somebody to fucking sharpen them. And then people were like, nah, I ain't sharpening them. There was one guy we found in a hardware store in the Bronx. He'll sharpen anything. He'll sharpen anything for three bucks.

Was he in the hardware store or just like behind the hardware store? Like, yeah. They can't have little kids with just throwing stars. Especially when you buy those stars, you could buy them at, right around the corner at length. Yeah, you could buy them anywhere. Yeah. At Jean LaBelle's place.

Yeah. There's only one by the way. They're not fucking sharp. No. You got to get those things to somebody who's got the zzzz. Yeah. And do all four sides. And you can cut a finger.

You have to put like your finger in between. Don't those things go into the can't come out or something or tear everything up? Well, those things are a nightmare. Those things are sharp. You could fuck somebody's world up with those things. Jesus, don't give him ideas. I had a friend one time throw a dart at his brother. It was brilliant.

We still talk about it when we get together at a barbecue. She was giving him shit. He was giving her shit and she was playing darts. Taking a dart? And she's like, say that to me one more time. Long darts? Those fucking darts that you throw at the wall. Yeah.

They stick in the pad and people playing bars. Darts. Okay, the small ones. I thought it was like the long ones. There was a pool party and everybody was having a good time and it was brother, sister. They got to an argument and the sister's like, say that again to me. And I fucking throw this dart at your head and he called her like a fucking cunt and he goes, really?

And she just started whipping stars and he's trying to block them and two of them went right into his kneecap. And I don't forget him going down, going, I'm gonna fucking kill you when I pull this fucking thing out. And then pulling it out like nothing, like it was sister. It was just another dead to fucking thing. What's up, Steve Braren? Talk to me, brother.

Dude, good to be here. Thank you so much for having me. How was the special? How was the reports? Showtime special? Yeah, it was good. Yeah, they were all happy with it. People checked it out.

It's on Showtime now. You could stream it. You called, tell the damn joke. And you know, I, you know, I'm not one of those guys that has an hour every year like some people. I try to do it every two, two and a half years, maybe three because I want it to be pretty good. But I think like hours are done now.

Hours are not special anymore because there's so many. I think they're, it's like, it's like the TV show is almost like the new hour special because to get that, it's really difficult. It's hard to get. Whereas nowadays, I mean, you remember 10 years ago to get a Comedy Central half hour was almost unattainable. You had to really work your ass off for it. But then everybody got it.

And now with CISO and Netflix and Showtime HBO and everything. Now it's like every time you turn your head, there's no billboard sunset. Yeah. And it's kind of like weird because now they're going to become very, oh, I don't need to watch this one. I'll just wait till I get 10 of them and watch them all at one time, like binge watching. I watched T.J. Miller's.

Yep. I didn't want, I don't have Showtime. So I don't have Showtime. And my wife was like, what happened? She goes, I took it out of the package because we don't watch anything. Dexter got canceled. I didn't fucking know. I didn't even know what to shoot at.

You were consulted on this. I was what? You were not consulted on this decision. No. I was T.J.'s special. Different. Yeah. For HBO, it was very different.

I applaud him. You know what I'm saying? He's always been different though. He's always eccentric and taking chances and risks. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it was different. I watched it in two times.

I didn't watch it. I didn't watch anybody's special a whole hour or anything. Yeah. I watched the first half hour, digested it. I think about something and I go back, watch half of it and then watch the rest of it and see how he does the whole sequence and the whole thing. Yeah. He's a neat kid, man.

He's a good dude too. He's a neat kid. On top of it. But I think it's weird because like if you're a musician, like hear all those stories about the Beatles and Hendricks and the Beach Boys and they're all listening to each other and influencing each other. And I think some stand-up, stand-up isn't like that though. I don't think most stand-ups sit down and watch other comics.

I think stand-ups are just more isolated and they aren't willing to be influenced because I think your part of you is scared of like something bleeding through and taking away from your own individuality, I guess. But I don't know, it's like I haven't seen an hour special in a long time until Chappelle's two came out and then I was like, I'm watching these. What did you think? I thought the first one was fucking great. And the second one was good.

Really? I thought the opposite. Really? Yeah. So everybody has different opinions? Yeah. It sounds... But they're still great.

I mean, you know what I mean? They're still him. He's at the top of his game. He always is. But I thought the first one was just like fucking lights out. My favorite thing, Steve Byrne, as a comic, number two, like you know, you have your favorite things as a fucking, I love getting high and sneaking into the original. Yeah.

And sitting in the back in the old days when nobody used to be back there. No. Yeah. Ten years ago there was nobody back there. Yeah. So you could sit back down and people thought you were a customer with a glass of water. Yeah. They didn't know you were a comic.

And I loved getting there by the 10 after nine, even though you're spots at 11. Yeah. Getting nice and stoned and just sitting and watching comedy. Yeah. And it used to be the best for me. Like just to see why these guys were at the comedy store. Yeah. Like I used to say, well, let's watch.

Let's see what the fuck. There's got to be something. Yeah. You know, sometimes we're in there. We get off stage. We killed. And somebody goes up there. We watch for three minutes.

But we're energies flying. We can't sit in there no more. That's it. The original. I got to get the fuck out of here. I got to breathe. I need to breathe. Yeah.

I just did 15 fucking minutes and worked my ass off. But there's times for me to watch comedy. I got to tell you something, guys. It doesn't work for me at the house. Sorry. It doesn't work anymore. Doesn't come. Even my special first time, I went to 20 minutes and oof.

Oh, you're on? Yeah. Like I put it on CISO. Well, it's tough to watch in your own stuff. I love live comedy still. It's still the best way. I realized I loved it. I still realize after 26 years that I still loved what I used to go to the comedy works

as a fucking construction estimate. Yeah. And I'd sit in the back and drool and go, fuck, how do I do this? Every now and then, like at the store, I'll be walking through and I'm like, oh, just watch. It's really good. I saw Garland the other night. I was watching Garland and he just was on this rant and it was so fucking funny.

And I was just, I became a customer and it's been a long time since I was an comedian judging or whatever. It's really a fucking great thing. Fuck, I was dying. Yeah. You leave there feeling really good. And inspired. Even if you bomb, yeah.

Yeah. Like there's nights you go down there, you look at your schedule and you go, who's up there? And you know what? What are we going to do? Sit in the house and torture myself to fucking 10-45. That's what you do. At eight o'clock, you're like, why am I here? Yeah.

I'm going to write down. No, no, no, I'm not. Yeah. I'm going to play with the kid or go on a fucking computer and see what's on Facebook. Let me just go down there. Well, that's a great thing about the store though is that is the camaraderie too is that the other night I got these kids now. I got the wife, you know, I drive out from Pasadena.

I go into the store. I do my set, fun crowd, fun room, Sebastian's up next. I'm like, you know, I haven't seen him in a while. I'm going to watch Sebastian. I watch Sebastian dying. Dying. Ross goes up. Jeff Ross.

Watch him. Fucking dying. Two different styles. Two different styles. Two different styles. And then Ross and I. I go, dude, that was so fucking great. What are you doing?

I'm like, ah, this is going to go. Come have a drink with me. We have a drink. Next thing I know, we're at some buddy's birthday party in the hills. Then we go down to one oak. We go into one oak. Mike Young is at a booth. It's just like, it reminded me, it made me feel like I was 20 again.

I was like, I'm hanging out with comics. It's Saturday. I had no intention of going out and I just had like the greatest night. And it's because of Ross and Mike Young and Sebastian and who stores the best. I love this kid. I love Lisa. I have it all in my heart and I thought that from time to time, he was surprising me. Nothing.

Yeah. I got to surprise this poor fucking kid. Yeah. You know, when I was 28, I was surprised every other week, you know, was it was machine gun. I got something for you. I'm 28. This is how I live. This guy's watching oranges, the new black dine and get married.

You got a rain for the first time. If I wouldn't fucking talk him out of getting married, he'd be shacked up already. Yeah. But yeah, then I went down to the store on a Sunday and I watched Paul Mooney. You know, and when I was at the store in the beginning, he was the guy that I followed. Yeah. He sure just made me follow him and just walking in there and seeing him then. I tell him, don't you want to go back and talk to him?

I'm like, you know what? Not really. Just seeing him brings back all these memories and sometimes you fucking need that, man. Yeah. Really do. Yeah. I think that, you know, it's weird because it goes in ebbs and flows like I did this hour special, I put it out there, you know, you work your ass off for two and a half years,

you put it out and a few years ago, you put it on our special, you get some tweets back or great. Everything's so diluted now because there's so they're flooding the market with gold. And I feel like these corporations and I don't blame them. They got to find content. They've got to provide, you know, content for their for their subscribers. So they're doing what they can and comedy is so cheap. So they're making all these hour specials.

But I feel like all these different networks that are doing that are putting out all this content and eventually it's going to get saturated and the people that are going to suffer the most are the comics because we're going to have to go through this period again where after the eighties in the nineties, there was this lull and then the internet came in. Dane Cook blew it up and then slowly I think the internet helped advance so many comics to get their word out, to get the material out. And I mean, look at like Louie. I mean, the guy's releasing shit on his website and that wasn't possible 10 or 15 years ago

because there was no internet, you know, prior to like, you know, all the capabilities we have now. So I just think it's a weird time for stand up. And me personally, when I put the hour out, I was so proud and everything. But I just, I just needed to be inspired again and go in there and then seeing everybody and seeing all the great work and seeing, you know, just all the, I don't know, just being in the shop again, got me like, you know, you got to get back to work. You got to go to the store.

You got to go to the store. Listen, I'm 54. When I walk in the store, I feel like a pedophile. Number one. Number two, I still remember being 37 and being a regular at the store, and there were these 50 year olds that would sit there at night like begging for a spot. Yeah. It used to feel bad for them.

Listen, I could get five spots a week if I call. Yeah. I just don't. I'll go to the ha ha. I'll go to fucking, you know, flappers. I like to hide. I like to hide. I love going to the ice house, you know, but if I go to the store once a week, that's

going to batting cages for me enough. Yeah. The problem with the store is you go down there, you have a 1030 spot. You do bump into something you haven't seen in a while. You go in the back, you have a drink, you smoke a joint. I still have to drive up a Blower Canyon dog. Yeah. That's a lot of fucking.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's not, you're in Hollywood. I'm too old to leave my car and come back in the fucking morning. Yeah. Yeah. That worked when you're 35. Yeah.

And people understood that when you're 54, they really, you know what I'm saying? I still got it. I still got it. Okay. So it just feels really weird, but going to the store is still a stripe on my shirt. Yeah. Look, when you think about all the great clubs, the store started it, you know, and the fact that you're part of that legacy, you're part of that history, you're part of one of those

bricks that will always be there. I mean, to get your name painted on the wall, it's still to this day. Yeah. You can get those hour specials, but it's a very select few that get past the comedy seller. It's a very, very select few that get past the comedy store. And I think that's really the badge of honor. At the end of the day, when all this is said and done, one day I'm going to take my kids

and go, I was a regular here. I used to come here all the time and I was part of this history. And it'll still be around. I know there'll be some relevant comics back then, but to know that these kids get to go on, my dad did that shit. It was pretty fucking old. Yeah. My dad, your dad's name is right up on that wall.

Pretty sweet. All right. So I got here January 29th. I get to the improv and those days it was, when did you get here? 2004. All right. So I was here seven years ahead of you. So when I got here, it was supposed to be the big Latin explosion.

Toughest ticket on Monday night was the live for I for Latino. I couldn't get in there. I got to line up outside Pablo, Paul, Carlos, fucking crazy. Pablo was unreal when he did Seinfeld in Spanish and shit. Oh my God. I was like, what the fuck? And then the improv had a Latin night. So because a Latin night, I got passed in the improv right away.

And then the last factor he hated me, Jamie, but Gilbert ran Monday night. On Monday night, I got spots. I got 20 minute spots. I told him that mattered. He wouldn't even step foot in there on Monday nights. He didn't even know what was going up on Mondays. So that was good. The comedy store was the one that's his day one.

People always came up to me and said, Mitzi, was he going, no, they go, oh boy, that's your club. And I thought, what are you talking about? And Angel Salazar worked for him and he's like, bro, wait till Mitzi sees you. I'm like, really? Yeah. And sure enough, I was a part of the club. I was a regular within a month.

Wow. I was here for, I got, I got became, I got here January 19th. I became a regular on my birthday. Oh fuck. February 19th. Really? I wasn't even here a month, but I got on the list and they said six month waiting list. Yeah.

Doug Stanhope sponsored me and somebody else. It was like two or three people called Scott, Scott Day. Okay. And Scott Day called me on a Friday at six dog and he goes, listen, I got a fallout for Sunday. You want to go up in front of Mitzi? Yeah. Fuck yeah.

Oh my God. Yeah. I was like, this is it. I went up to three minutes. She goes, can you come back next week and do 10? Fuck yeah. Yeah. Are you really Cuban?

I like Cuban people. You know, maybe you should dress up like Fidel and get a beard and go up there and tell jokes. People would like that. I'm like, okay. And I'm like, I hope she's not serious. Yeah. I went up there and did my 10 and she's like, you're a wrangler.

That's great. And I was like, oh my God, but I couldn't get a manager, could not get an agent, could not get anybody to talk to me. Montreal, fuck you. It was like a fuck you fest, but the only person who gave me spots every week was Mitzi Schrupp. It's all that mattered because you're doing the work. And it didn't really matter.

Yeah. These days it was like, you know what, bitch, fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. I'm following Paul Moody. Yeah. What have you done, ladies and gentlemen, and I've died all four nights, but what have you done?

Eventually you figure out the puzzle and that's what that forced me to do. Like Paul Moody, like I always tell people, Richard Pryor showed me the door, Paul Moody really showed me how to go through it because he was always on before me and I didn't know how long he was going to do. So I'd have to sit there. Sometimes it was 25. Sometimes it was 45. Yeah.

Sometimes it was 55, but I'd be watching him and for the first three months I couldn't figure out the puzzle of following. It was not going up there and doing your 830 show material. Yeah. It's the quarter to one. Take that material and light it on fire and save that for old people at a casino because this ain't going to work at the store at 1245. It makes you fucking just start talking fast.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. In the comedy cellar, my first seven years, Lampinelli or I did the 145 or 130 spots. So we had to close out the show. And so Chappelle would come in, people, comics would leave. I'm going home because he'd do two hours, three hours, but I never left. I always fucking stayed.

I always stayed and I was like, I'm going to follow him, you know, 23, 24 years old. You're not following him. You're like what I was really doing was learning how to follow the puzzle. Yeah. Exactly. Crack the puzzle. Yeah. So those seven years, Chappelle, Chris Rock, Seinfeld, Robin Williams, didn't matter.

I was like fearless. I was like, I will follow anybody because that's why I'm here. I'm here to learn. And I always knew that early on that I'm going to I'm going to use this as like the comedy cellar was college to me. And yeah, I think it's I think ultimately what you realize after following all those people is the audience. I think a young comic goes, oh fuck, how am I going to match Chappelle?

How am I going to be on the same scale? It's like you're not because once Chappelle leaves, the audience has flipped the page. Yeah, they're excited, but showtime go. We're waiting. Let's go. Let's get to your fucking shit. So you got to smash them quick and you got to keep that train going, otherwise you're going to die exactly all the things that you're thinking as you're sitting in the back of

the room. God, you sit back there and you're like, oh, shit. And then they were closed like they were, Paul Mooney wouldn't even bring you up. Yeah. Oh, he just leave. He just put the mic in and say, goodnight, Negroes and you had to run up and go, keep it going for Paul Mooney. And the nut, like if you said something else about Paul Mooney, you just died.

Yeah. Like I figured that out quick. Every time you go, Paul Mooney is a funny guy, keep it going for one more time. The Godfather, you just died. You just died. And now they're going to go, okay. So he's the Godfather. What do you got for us?

Yeah. No, you got to go up there and keep it going for Paul Mooney. What's happening? You bad motherfuckers and you just got to jump on them. You cock suckers. It's 1245. I'm here to sling dick and give our bubble gum. I got a grandma rocking my pocket.

I'm ready to snort some blow and eat somebody's asshole. And then you're going to material. Yeah. All right. You got our attention. Yeah. You fumigated the room. You just fumigated the room.

Yeah. I'm getting that $15. Yeah. At the store, it was the battle for $15. Like they have battle for network stars. They brought it back. Yeah. At the store, it was like, listen, Joey, there's three people.

But if you want to go to $15, we'll let you go up for one. We'll go sit in that. Like that. It was that bad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was that. You need the $15, it's $15 in those days. Yeah.

Five more and I got a 20 from Chewie. You know what I'm saying? But you learned. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something that comedy teaches you. When you bite into comedy, you eliminate one of the biggest fears in your life. There's something about getting into stand-up comedy that that's where the biggest high is.

Because from the beginning, when you come to Me, Lee, we're your three best friends. Me, Lee, and Tom Segura. And we're fucking construction workers and we giggle and you come to all three of us one night and go, so Tuesday night is my first open mic guy. And we all look here like, this is Pittsburgh. What open mic you talking about, Steve Byrd? I'm going to try comedy, man. I've always wanted to be a comedian.

All three of us are going to fucking laugh at you and whatever and goof on you. And I'm going to tell you we love you and we'll be down there to support you. And you're going to bomb and we're going to crack jokes on you for the next three weeks and shit. And you're going to crack some jokes on that or something where you're going to whisper that night you're on stage and they're going to call you fucking Stevie Whispers. Something. You know what I'm saying?

There's always something. And there's so much to overcome plus the income factor. Especially early on. Yeah. That's the toughest thing. That's the toughest thing. Yeah. So when you make that commitment and the one day you go, that's it.

I'm going to become financially independent doing comedy. I made 800 bucks last month. If I made 800 last month, I'm going to go for 900 this month. Yeah. And then I'm going to make 925 and then let me go for 1100. And that's what it becomes. It really becomes. But that first 300, it's hard.

Yeah. That furlap. Like when I first started comedy, my lucky thing was I was making 200 a month doing comedy. My first year of comedy, I made $2,400 as a host at a restaurant on Tuesdays from eight to 10. 200 a month, they gave me a menu, I'd go in there during the week and all the sobbing and blank, and they got a blank, put it on my Tuesday tab, whatever the fuck it is. I don't know why.

But that was, I made money from the beginning, 200 a month, that don't do nothing. But I would also sell Valium and Coke, so I had my shows on Tuesday, I would make you buy a ticket. They thought I would sell them tickets, but not really. Steve Bering, you want to say, yeah, where can I meet you? Meet me at the broker at 8.30. What's going on at the broker? I'm doing comedy.

Do I have to pay to get in? Yeah, 10 bucks. Who gives a fuck? I'm going to give you the best Coke in town. I'll see you at 11.30. I just hang up on you. And there's Steve Bering, comes in, he pays for a ticket, I give him a gram and maybe a quarter, he gives me 90 bucks, I gave me a little extra, thanks for coming, you know

what I'm saying? Sit down, get a drink, I'm selling, like I did a contest, and after the first week, I watched it and I realized this guy didn't win because he was funny, this guy won because he brought 11 idiots from his job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the first time I did, I brought like eight people, I won, I was the funniest that night, I don't fuck those motherfuckers. Then the second time I didn't bring nobody, and I still won, the second time I didn't

bring nobody, then the third time it was for the finals and I brought about 20 people for my gambling job and I won. And then for the night I won, I bought in like 118 motherfuckers, 80 of them looking for a package or blow, I made them stay till the end until I got the 5-1-1 check in my hand. Oh, there you go, that's great. Once I got the 5-1-1 check in my hand, I celebrated cocaine for everybody. I figured out that if I sold drugs at the places, I'd get people to come. I didn't do it in New York, I would do it sometimes in New York.

I would go to New York Comedy Club, you got to bring three people. People would say to me, if you're going into the city, can you pick something up for me? And I'd go, absolutely. Are you going to meet me in this city? And they'd go, yeah, I go do me a favor, go to New York Comedy Club at eight o'clock, I'm doing four minutes and I'll give you the coke when I'm there. Or sometimes I make them come and I make them give me a ride to Harlem. You didn't get it yet, man, I got to go to Harlem.

Motherfucker, we thought you were going to have what I was, but I got chased by the cops. I get chased by the fucking cops. Yeah, but the toughest, I think, like, especially at the beginning, yeah, you worry about how am I going to make money? That's the toughest thing. The psychologically the toughest thing? Once you try stand-up the first time, it'll never get scarier than that. You already did it.

The first time you do it is the most, that's the trial by fire, because the whole time you're waiting to do it, you're scared as fuck, house is going to go, you have no idea, you don't have anywhere with all of what you're doing or comprehending anything. You can't read the crowd, you don't know how to do crowd work, you don't know how to do material, because you don't have material. I think once you finish that first time, some people get scared off after doing it the first time. I'm like, oh, I can never do that again.

It's like, it'll never get harder than what you just did. Now you have some semblance of experience, so you can only get better from there, because at least now you kind of got a lay of the land. But so many people cut tail and run after that first time, which, you know, it's fine. But for me, I was always at the mindset of like, once you did it, it's like, it's all downhill from here. Like this fucking guy, look at him, once he ate a pot of cookie, he was all downhill after that.

Okay. Yeah, when we ever had a single at Weddable, you know, I'm okay. How long was your procrastination period, Steve Byrne, from the thought to getting on stage? Well, I worked at Caroline's Comedy Club, you know, just sweeping the floors and answering the phones. Never been to a stand-up show ever in my life. And then I started, I watched like a new talent showcase that I had on Thursday nights at

Caroline's. I was like, that looks like fucking fun. So four months, four months, I worked up the nerve and I wrote some stuff I thought was funny and I went up at Stand Up New York for my first set ever, went really well. And then the next week I went to New York Comedy Club and this guy named Roger Paul was in the audience and he gave me his card. He goes, how long have you been doing? I go twice.

He goes, what? I go, I've been on stage twice. He goes, meet me tomorrow. So I met him and I had a manager after my second time on stage and then he started putting me on the road. I'm seeing, I was making shit money but I didn't give a fuck. The money didn't mean anything to me. I was working.

Working. Just doing stage time. That's all that matters to me. I'll only take you to Fire Roger. I think maybe like two years here. But then I was working, once I got passed at the seller, all the clubs in New York City fell like dominoes and the seller was the first club I got passed at. Then the comic strip, then Gotham, then Stand Up New York, all the clubs fell online.

And then all of a sudden I just stayed in New York for five, six years. I just stayed in New York and I made a living doing eight or nine spots on a Friday, eight or nine spots on a Saturday. And I would make $7,500 a set. I mean, that's good money for 23, 24 years. I was able to live in the city in Manhattan just doing Stand Up for seven years. And then got a half hour out of that and then I started seeing all the comics in New York and I was like, they all kind of plateaued.

I was like, not a lot of these guys are all funny, but they don't have shows. They're not in movies. And I was like, I got to move to LA because these guys have conquered New York. I conquered New York, but I want more. I want everybody. I want everything. And that's when I moved to LA. Did you want movies in the beginning when you first got into Stand Up?

Did you think about it? No, I just thought about Stand Up because I was so infatuated that, like you said, it was like the greatest high. I'm not a drug guy or anything. I drink whiskey, but it's like nothing to me in life compares to having a notebook, writing something, just the thought, and then going that night to the club and slowly figuring out and puzzle how to piece it together and to me, that is the greatest. It's so redemptive.

I don't know. There's just nothing better than that other than, you know, my family. I still can't believe I do it. Like when I'm in a car on a way to an airport, I can't believe what just happened. I just did five shows. People showed up, they laughed. I took a bunch of pictures and right before I'm getting out of the car at the airport, I'm like, how the fuck did this happen?

Yeah. And I think back to 94, 93 driving a limo in LA, New York, and stopping at New York Comedy Club. In those days, I think I did New York Comedy Club and something else uptown and everything else was hamburger Hillies. Oh, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah, holy shit. Yeah.

Oh, I used to do all those. Yeah, that's your old triple in. Look at this poor bastard. The old triple in opened up at 11. You didn't get on. Yeah, that's down to 30. Two bucks for the summer. You know, yeah, it was something that when I went to New York, I realized how hard I

had to work. Yeah. Like I had to really go. Well, if I want to do this, this is what I need to do. What I'm doing right now is completely unacceptable. Yeah. But I can't do this in this large scale. I was, you know, 181st Street was my hell.

I could go there with 25 bucks and get a gram of tremendous cocaine. Yeah. And it was always my pit stop. Whether I was going over or coming back, you always got 25 bucks. Yeah. I would go and they were open till two, you know, and they were always there, you know, so I was like, I'm never going to grow with that shit, that accessible. Yeah.

It's everywhere. I don't mind driving a half hour, but that kind of deters it for a guy like me. But this shit of just walking a mile because I lived in Fort Lee. Yeah. Yeah. I could just walk over the bridge. Hooker left to walk around. Boom.

Yeah, right there. Yeah. And then I take an A train down and I take the bus back over Port Atari. So the cops wouldn't even see. That's right. The right on the West side. I see. Good deal with Joey.

But that is how I can go when I get three ounces of coke and nobody would ever know. Everybody's getting pulled over because they're watching for cars. Yeah. And then we go, how the fuck do you do it? I go watch me. Yeah. I'd walk over the bridge like nothing happened. Make the left walk, pick up three, four ounces of blow, walk over, get a Cuban meal

and a hundred and like 76 street and go away. And then I'd walk down to the train station and I'd take the A train down, walk around 42nd Street for two, three minutes, get a steak on a stick with the white bread, you know, me, dog, I'm the old real deal. If you got hepatitis, I got it. I was the first one buying those steaks on the sticks from Arabs and putting Frank's hot sauce on them with a can of coke. That was my fucking diet for about a year in NYC, though.

My spot was the guy right outside the fucking Port Authority across from Porto World before they cleaned it up. There was a big point in the live factory moved in there for a while. Yeah. Yeah. Right there with him. If you cross the street, that's the movie theaters right there. Yeah.

Right there. He was right there for years. You walk by, he'd be cooking those little goat meat on a stick. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah. You know, I had $62. Yeah. 25 was going to Coke.

You know, I still need a beer and three bucks for goat meat. Sure. No, it was $2. Two bucks for a piece of Wonder Bread. Come on, though. It was better than your can of Coke with Frank's hot sauce. Frank's hot sauce kills the germs. Yeah.

That New York living was hard for me. That was 293. Really? Well, where did you live in New York? I lived in Fort Lee. I took a, I signed up for a boxing gym and Port Authority ran across the street upstairs in the second floor, 60 a month and they gave me a locker. So I hid my suit and an extra pair of jeans, toothbrush, hair gel, t-shirt,

short, just in case you're in the city, you got a rock and roll, you get an audition, you know me in those days. I was Johnny Hustle. I was horrifically bad, horrifically bad. I would go to auditions and they would just look at me and go, oh God. I thought I wanted to be an improv guy. Yeah. And the only character I had was one, a junkie.

Like, do your famous character. And I would nod and then go, yeah, man. And he began a new newspaper. What else do you got? That's it. Thank you for coming in. They just saw 85 junkies. Everybody in New York was a junkie in those days.

So like I just was, it wasn't working for me. So I said to me, they're really making work. I got to move back to Colorado. But if I move back to Colorado, I got to make a deal with myself. My whole focus will be staying there. Yeah. Seven nights a week, six, six fucking every fucking night. And that's exactly what I did.

Yeah. I made it my focus for a year and a half. I always thought, I know this sounds so stupid, but that's not your song. New York, New York, that line. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. That's the truth. I always felt that way and I always thought one day you're going to feel like you when you feel like you did enough in New York, that's when you move.

And when I was doing, again, like nine shows a night on a Friday or Saturday, every club, I was I was like, you did it as a comic. You've done every fucking room you can do. So why not go get the rest of the kitchen? Dangerfields, too. Oh, danger. Yo, yeah, that was my spot because that was the only place in the city you could do 30 minutes, a 30 minute set.

And then you still do it. Do you still do it? I haven't been in danger fields in probably 10, 12 years. I stopped in probably 12 years ago to say hi to the staff and have a drink. And that was kind of it. But I've never performed there. I like to perform there before they close it someday. You should still use rotary phones.

From back in the day. And the thing I loved about performing at danger fields wasn't necessarily the crowds because there was never crowds there. Unless it was Friday, Saturday, it's bridge and tunnel coming in and out. We got to go, you know, take the old lady to danger fields, a hotspot, right? But Monday, Tuesday, man, there's fucking nobody there. But the best was Tony, the owner. He had all these stories about danger field.

And I would just sit and just tell me another story. And he had all these great fucking stories about danger field. Like, like when they did the premiere for Caddyshack in Hollywood, all the stars are pulling up in front of Man's Chinese Theater. Lemos Chevy Chase comes up in a limo, Ted Knight comes up in a limo. In danger field, you know, no respect. He pulls up in a tow truck and his car is getting towed by the tow truck. And he gets out and he tips the tow truck driver going, make a loop around.

I'll be back in a minute. Say hi or I take a picture. It's just like that is so fucking funny to me that he even, even at the premiere, he was like, it's still no respect. I got it. I got to get a joke out of this fucking so funny. I love them. Oh, God. It's still still this day kills, by the way. I mean, you could go back and watch a danger field.

You're like, God, damn it. It's so fucking funny. I fucking. It's I don't know what happened. I think I saw him when it's a night show. And then there was a word on the street that he was in a movie. And that's it. Like everybody I know, like six of us, I'll never forget that it was a hot summer day.

We bought beers like these guys showed up with beers. Like we're going to the new Rodney Moore. I'm like, and it was easy money. Oh, yeah. That's how old I am, dog. I want to see easy money in the movie theater. Billy Joel did the theme song. Oh, my God.

Easy, easy money. I remember that. Oh, my God. And he's going through the paperwork and you find the money and his tickets and rolling papers and that you write that movie sounds like your life. Oh, you know, man, they were thinking of redoing it and won't redo it. The wife said, yeah, not in a million years. And I got to respect it.

If they redid it, I like Joe Pesci's part. Yeah, Joe Pesci's part of the fucking chain. He was a good one. And the scene opens and he's trimming his armpit hair. He lives at his mother's house. That's all hysterical. Yeah, unless you're part of that. The wedding with the Puerto Rican.

Yeah, call me dad. Why don't you call me dad? All that shit is classic shit that chick that played the daughter. She went on to become. Yeah, somebody fucking huge. I still use that line from when the mother walks in and says, look at you. Your eyes are bloodshot and you smell of reefer and alcohol and God knows what else or something.

Yeah, he slays it and then all that scene about, you know, where it's shaking back. Really? Where's your father? He's taking baby pictures. What type of baby is up at nine o'clock at night? They go right to a strip club. Yeah, he's like, show it to me. Is there any more? That's a classic scene.

Yeah. And then Joe Pesci gets into it. The guy grabs the chick. He grabs the tits and the guy comes up and goes, oh, what's going on? And Joe's like, oh, what's going on here? And he goes, who are you? Who am I? Who am I? I'm the guy that put the bathrooms in this joint. And if you know anything about East Coast people, that's that's so.

Every once in a while, somebody who am I? Who am I? I put the bathrooms in this joint. You know my cousin is. Yeah. Well, who's your cousin? Let me tell you, come here, Nicky Tuna. Who's Nicky Tuna?

Yeah, like, you know, what the fucking yeah. And you're like, OK, I get it. Your cousin is in the mob or something. But they say, you know, my, my, yeah, oh, my, I'm the guy that put the bathrooms in this joint. I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do for that guy. What do you do for the guy who put the bathrooms in the place?

Are you supposed to respect him? In his mind. And then the guy says to him, no one in the place smells like shit. And Joe, he jumps over. Yeah. And then they're at the restaurant. And they're trying to eat all his food. That scene is brilliant.

Yeah. The most brilliant scene in that movie that not too many people catch is him and whatever at the park, eating hot dogs. But he gets something different and they're sitting there. And all of a sudden he's like, I don't know if this diet is going to work. He says, it's got to work. You got to do it for your family. You have to do it for love.

I'm also in Joe Pescius. Look at that guy over there. You see that? That's real love. They show a guy with a rain jacket on. Bouncing a kid off his thing with a hat on, like very incognito. Rubbing the kids back and Joe Pescius. You see that you see that over there?

That's love. Look at the way that Rodney's selling it to Nicky. Nicky, you see that that's love. Look at the way he's bouncing that kid off his lap. That's a father's love. And all of a sudden the mother comes into the scene with the cop. And she goes, hey, he is my little precious Jimmy. And he goes, who's this?

And he goes, I don't know. I was just sitting in front of my own business and the kid jumped on my lap. And he goes, can I see an ID? And very suddenly you hear the guy goes ID into my other rain jacket. You don't really hear it, but you hear it like that is a brilliant. Like that movie had so many little subtle, funny, yeah. All those movies from the eighties still make me. I just watched what I watched on the road two days ago.

And I got to tell you something that took me for a mental ride. Yeah. Breakfast Club. Oh, great. Yeah. Breakfast Club will fuck with your head. You'll think about a bunch of shit you were doing back in the eighties, eating pussy and shit. Yeah. You want everybody's eating somebody's pussy like Molly Ringwall.

I had a girl from like Molly Ringwall to freckle on a pussy. I love that those redheads always got a freckle somewhere. The tenies, that pussy. I had a girlfriend just like Molly Ringwall for all of my love. Those redheads. Yeah. Ginger. Pale. Yeah. I love redheads. Yeah. Pale, but they got to have a little color.

I don't I don't see you as a discerning. I think anything. What do you mean? Would you back in the day? Anything, right? As a dude. I don't like short girls. That's not too bad.

I mean, I don't like short stock like a gymnast. Yeah, I don't like I don't like that. I mean, pussy's pussy, but I don't like it. I want to be I want a little sleeker, a little taller. Yeah. I like them around five, six, five, seven. I like a woman that'll take an elbow and I call 9-1-1, you know what I'm saying? The elbow or the throat, it's all right. It just happens from time to time.

That's a joke, people. You know, I like them sometimes built. Yeah, you know, I like them dirty like that chick at the comedy store. The one waitress, that's a big girl. She's from Michigan, big girl. She always wears yoga pants. Her ass is huge. I would tear that ass up if I wasn't a married dude.

She's even she even has a dirty look to it. Like she goes to work without washing her bush. Like she's one of those girls that leave. She washes everything else. But she washes in the morning. The sticky. She goes at eight and washes her monkey. But yeah, six.

She goes to work without washing the monkey. And you go up and down those fucking belly room stairs ten times. And bring that wang out of that monkey, you know what I'm saying? Every time I see, I'm like, her pussy's so fucking good right now. Yeah. I can taste it and shit. I'm like, Hannibal Lecter from long distance. I don't know what got into me.

I got to stop. Willie, Willie, you ready for three more stars? We got to take it to the next limit. I don't think I think we have enough stars. No, no, no, no, we're going to eat three more stars. Steve Berners here. It's a beautiful night to be alive. What the fuck?

Yeah, you know what I'm saying? I'm on a mission this week. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going to take the family on a little two day fucking vacation. Nice. Turn the time, Steve Berners. If not, they get cagey, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Smell that, Steve Berners. Tell the people at home what that smells like. Jesus Christ. My don't know me. Lee, Willie, let's go. Yeah, right. God, look, boom, one more out of respect.

I'll have one more. Sure, there's one more. There's two more. I need two more. I just ate two. Come on, let's go. What the fuck? Let's go.

One more out of respect. It's fucking Monday night. I'm going to see you the rest of the week. Who loves you more? Oh, there he is. Oh, no, kill it. It's still here, Lee. Let's leave it alone.

Yeah, I want to see what direction it goes. Don't come at me because you're here. Yeah, I just saved you. Oh, there it goes. God damn it. Are you going to eat this? No, yes, he's going to eat that. He has no choice.

It's Monday night. He has a whole week. No, no, no, no. This is you because you eat pizza in here. You eat chips and you get Uber eats at night. You fuck. I don't eat Uber eats at night. That's right.

You get Uber eats at night. Eat that stuff, please. You got to catch up to me. I eat two stars. Come on, let's go. Come on. What's the difference, Lee? What the fuck?

I'm still alive. Jesus Christ is talking. This is like he just got divorced and she took a half every everything. He don't, he don't, he don't even know that she took everything. He don't even know that she's an attorney. He married an attorney. Yeah, he's done. Even if she moves on now, she's taken three quarters of the frontage by

California law, this fucking momo gave a half to fortune, this fucking momo. He just met her on the street on men's dot com. He gave a half to fortune to one more year. She's eligible to all your Guinness. Did you know that? There's nothing. Two more years, that's it. Two years, you're coming low marriage in California.

You kick her out. She takes half your salary. Fuck that. You'll be doing 22 podcasts a day. Just to survive. You're lucky I'm your uncle Joey, you know what I'm saying? You'll be podcasting and you'll sleep. Lee, are you OK?

He's always OK. Eat the stock and get it over with, please. Why are you insulting me? Look at poor Dr. Lisa, she ate a piece of chocolate. She's in this set. Oh, this is a party here, Steve Brandt. Look at this one star.

I eat two of them back to back to back. Come on, Lee, please. You're insulting me. Look at him, he's sweating profusely. No, I'm dry as fuck. You want to do a bong hit? Not really, oh my god. See, and this doesn't end when the recording stops.

It's not like Joey Anthony is like property. Oh, that's a good show. This goes for hours. You want a bong hit? You want another star? What do you think I'm sitting here? I've got to be a good host. I'm going to have you sit here if you don't want to do bong hits.

We do bong hits. Maybe he loves you, dude. Steve Brandt, don't do bong hits. I don't bother him. This is how friends treat each other. You don't know that? If I had whiskey, I'd be offering it to Steve Brandt. He likes whiskey, but he's driving also.

So I got to watch his back. I'm driving. But yeah, but it's a different kind of friendship. You have a different kind of friendship. Yeah, you live four blocks away. You ain't bothering nobody. Yeah, you don't even see a cop on the right home. No, I don't.

No, you don't see a cop. Load it up. Yeah, give him another star. You don't leave him till four in the morning. I'm going to treat you like an orchid. See what we're just going to get. Hey, you can't put that in your mouth. Put that back.

No, let's go one at a time. Put that in your mouth. This is the sissy out. Let's go in your mouth. No, I don't believe it. Fucking guess, got to catch it. Can you believe what he tried to do? I'm all I need right there.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's right there. This is what I've been suspecting. You got to digest it in your asshole now. You got to put it in your butthole. This is what I've been suspecting. No, it was it's fucking day one. Camera stealing stars. You will internally take it through your fucking.

He got those chocolates and he put them in the fake bag. No, they're not. I got those when he called those kick cats and he put them in the bag and he made a tape and I could tell he wasn't eating real marijuana because he was eating the chocolate and smiling. Eat that fucking starly. Don't make me go and stab you in the heart. Come on, man, let's go.

Everybody. No, I ate 10. You got to eat nine tonight. You know, you can. Yes, I did. Every time it's two more. I ate eight plus two. What's that in your my fucking country?

OK, I didn't see the eight. Please stop complying. I'm right in front of you. Go back to the videotape. Go back to the videotape tonight and you'll count eight of them. What happened? Eat the star first and I'll give you the paper towel. Did you do that in your pinky?

What's on your pinky? What's on your pinky? This is T.S.G.S. OK, well, just like that. You're a sandwich. You're you're a man. Eat that with the star. Jesus Christ Jesus.

No idea how high I am. It doesn't matter. You know, what's too high? What's two more hundred milligrams and licking your finger. It's repeating everything. It's hard to believe you said how would you be asking me if I'm OK. Jesus Christ, Lee. Last week, the kid called me when he left.

Danny Brown, he goes, I was embarrassed how to talk to Lee like that. Yeah, because this is every week. Eat the goddamn star. Knock it off, Lee. Honestly, you look very alert. Yeah, thank you. I thought so. Yeah, like, if you were in the exit row of a plane, they'd be like, this guy's

definitely here. This guy's the pilot. If anything happens, yeah, this is every week. This is every week. Yeah, you mean fucking. Hand to mouth. Let's go. We know the drill.

Let's go, Lee. What the fuck? It takes so long. There you go. There you go. Do it. Big boy. Big boy.

There you go. There you go. We like Joey Chestnut with the last Nathan's hot dog. Two minute mark. Where are you? Swallow the fucking thing, Lee. Please. Just swallow it, Lee.

What are you meant by? There you go. There you go. You're a grown man. You did it. There's no more napkins. I see it right there. It's just the big boy stuff.

We got to have a good time on the show from time to time. Thank you. Lee, I'm so proud of you. Thank you. That motherfucker. Everyone's all out on team two. Fuck you. You're the good one.

I'm just testing you for a second. He's going to wipe the THC off his finger. We got to eat another one before the stars night. It's the 4th of July weekend celebration. If you're going to make a comeback, you're going to make a comeback. What else is going on? You said you did a document. Did a documentary film.

I just wrapped it. You know, we have a little bit more work to do, obviously, but the bones of it are done. Yeah, amazing, Jonathan. Yeah, amazing, Jonathan. You know, he's a staple in Vegas Comedy Central back in the 90s. Yeah, I remember the kid. Yeah. So he was recently diagnosed with cardiomyopathy and basically like half his heart is dead.

And he was told three, three and a half, four years ago that he had a year to live. So he retired and then he made a return to the stage. And I was like, somebody should document that. And I just thought, well, fucking, I'll just go document it. So I documented it. And then as most documentaries spiral and take a life of their own, it started off as one thing and became something totally kind of different and heart warming and sweet. So it, you know, we're hoping fingers crossed it'll come out within the next year, year and a half.

Yeah, so he's he's he's an amazing story. He's a great guy. He's fucking hilarious. Like truly, truly fucking hilarious. And I'm glad that we're you we're creating a vehicle for another generation to get get used to him again and see his talent and appreciate him. You OK, Lee? No, I love that.

I thought it was hysterical when I was a kid with that group. I grew up in the 90s. I used to love all those Rick Mills Comedy Central. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All those. So funny, the windmill at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And and I I know Joey, I mean, I like magic.

It's it's cool. I was I was a fan of his. I mean, not like a die hard, but it was cool. I went, yeah, the documentary is pretty. I'm I didn't know he was sick. Are you? Something in there made sense. It's funny.

I saw him once in Seattle. He's looking at me like like he's like I'm a prosecutor and he's like, did I say the right thing? He's all fucking done this poor bastard. He don't know it yet. He knows I love him. Yeah, he's over here fucking rocking it every night. This week he's got to buy. He's got the rest of the week.

Oh, he doesn't even have to train. But Lee, when we make a comeback on Sunday, we're hitting this motherfucker with 10 bungs. We're going on a 10 bunk there. So if I was you, I'd take that medium bong home. We start training and practice over the weekend. You know, I just thought about a hot dog burp. A good New York City sabrette dog.

When you burp that motherfucker with onions and mustard after you have a can of coke, you know that you burped. But when you have that burp, you're like, I could have another one now. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it's almost like a it's almost like a miss living in New York. Oh, I miss like I miss the fun of like going from set to set and like that high of going from club to club and reading the room and seeing all your friends. I miss that part.

But now with the wife and kids, it's like I can never see myself living in New York City again. It's just I don't I like having a yard. How old are you now? Stay brand 42. You're still going on the road for a week some month. Yeah. You don't take no weeks off. I take probably four or five weeks off a year.

That's kind of yeah. I just grind or no, no, no, you know, sporadically. But I'm grinding, you know, it's you know, what other choice do I have? That's that's the it's the career I've pursued the last 20 years of my life. And yeah, I mean, definitely it's gotten harder as I've gotten older, especially the last year or two. It's it's become a lot more difficult because I have a five year old and almost a two year old.

So it's tough to leave the kids, but you got to keep the lights on, you know. But I think the trap a lot of comics fall into is not staying relevant, not writing, not creating, not creating different opportunities even for yourself. I've never in a million years thought I'd be directing a documentary film that we're submitting to all the festivals. I never had a million years when I ever. But doing it and it's just another experience and it's another creative outlet. So I really appreciate it and maybe it'll lead to other things.

But at the end of the day, if that's if this doc is the only doc I ever did or only film I ever did, I'd be so proud of it because I really am. I'm really proud of the relationship we conveyed in it. And I showed it to Jonathan. He got up, he said, it's great. I love it. And he left the room. I think maybe to think about what he'd just seen. But but hearing his praise of the film meant more to me than I could never make

a dime off of the film and I'd be happy knowing that he appreciated and loved what he what he saw. How long is the film? Ninety minutes over the whole tour or just his comeback. It's hard to explain, but yeah, a little bit. The chamber attached to open for. I don't know. She was opening for him years ago. I don't think so.

It was like she was open for him and she was his assistant. Yeah. Who the fuck knows what happened? Yeah. But it's it's damn good. I think it's something that even most jaded comedians could take a look at and go. That's fucking good. Because it's you know, I think when you do those things, it's like, what would I want to see? And this is that's the reason I did it. It's like, I'd want to see that film.

And I was like, well, I'll fucking go do it. I'll see if I can do it. And I think we I think we pulled it off. It's good for you, man. It's always good to do different things to keep you fresh and comedy. Yeah, I look at comics sometimes. I have a new documentary called Hot Dog Burp. That's a good one too.

It's funny how over the years you pay attention to your career. Yeah. But you also keep your eyes on other people. And since I've been here 20 years, I've watched the rise get full and how they done it, how Montreal, they went and got a deal. Once the deal fell through, they were lost and it's so weird how the thing about being a comic is that you go through the ups and downs. Like I always use I use it the other night.

Margaret Shaw, Tom Rhodes and Greg Harald. They were scapegoats of the 90s after Tim Allen's success in Roseanne. The networks went looking for the next comic superstar. Yeah, they tried with a Korean American. They tried with a Spanish kid and they tried with whatever he was. Greg Harald and all three of them got yanked off the fucking there. You know, Tom Rhodes, you know, and I always think about those guys out. They were all like two seasons, three seasons.

How I would have felt, you know, and me at the time at that time when I moved here, I would have quit comics. That's the type of pussy I am. Now I know that you don't quit comedy. It's your bread and butter. Like people have come and gone since I've been here steeper. You sit there and go, Jesus Christ. I had, you know, deep conversations about comedy with them.

Yeah, how the fuck did they just quit? Yeah, how the fuck? We just had a great conversation about future and those guys weren't really real. You know, they didn't like it when the waters got murky. Yeah, waters get murky for years here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Nothing stays adrift for long in this career. No, you have three good months, then you have a month of murky waters.

Then you have two good months, then you have another month of murky waters. Lee, do you see why that bug keeps attacking you and it keeps coming back? Because you reek and you keep eating that hummus. The track stores fucking bugs. Maybe it's the stars. Now, I see if you eat more stars, the THC stinks in the waist. That's what, oh, there it is on the floor. He's going your way, Lee.

Come, come, come on, come on. Kill him, dad. He's going your way, Lee, say that. Every night we get attacked by a bug and it's always him. Last week it was a bee with Ralph and Matt. Maybe you bring a man in. Are you, I don't know. Listen, let's pretend I bring a man.

Why do they go to you? Because you've trained them to my sense, you know, my things. You're Hollywood friends, I don't know if you have bug friends. Leave me the fuck alone. People hang out with somebody from A&E. You can't suck it. And when does this film premiere? What do you think?

I don't know. We're going to submit it right now. Yeah, tail end of that. It's a festival. Yeah. And then we'll submit it over the I think by October is when you have to submit it. So it'll be, you know, the edit, sound, color, all that will be done by then. And then we'll submit it and we'll see what happens.

But I like the chances. I think it's, I think it's, you know, of course, you know, when you do it, you think, oh, yeah, it's fucking great. But I really truly believe it's it's something I'll be I'm proud of it now. I'll be proud of it when people get get the opportunity to see it. That's for sure. Listen, man, the thing is taking chances.

Yeah. That's the most important thing in life. If you don't take chances and you just protect the little that you have, what are you going to grow from it? You're not going to fucking grow from it at all. Yeah. This is a growth process. This is if you came to me 20 years ago and told me this,

I would have fucking told you to go fuck yourself. Now I'm the first in that telecom. Yeah, the fuck them. This is not a fucking race, man. It's a marathon. Totally. And you're going to see how many people drop out of this race. Yeah.

And next thing you know, there you are. Yeah. Why? Because you're funny and everybody know because you about last to everybody. Yeah. You're not funny. Everybody you just out last to everybody. You took the number at the deli.

Yeah. You know, you take that number at 63. Yeah. It's a long wait. Yeah. But it's a long way to the top of rock and roll. That deli sign could either go quick or you could go fucking slow. It's up to you.

You know how to cut and maneuver. Listen, I'm just going to get a quarter pound of potato salad. Do you matter if I go in front of you? That's the game here. The game. We're still here 20 years. Yeah. I sit here.

It's great. What do you think? I wake up in the morning, jump up and down. I wake up every morning, get on my hands and these and I go, God, who's better than you? You bad motherfucker. I've been here 20 years and nobody found out yet that I'm just a sack of shit. Yeah, nobody knows that I'm not funny.

I just fucking jump up and down and yell. Yeah. You know, and there should be so many comics that you'll wake up every morning and get hand on their heels and go, Lord, please, thank you for giving me another day for not letting them know I'm a fucking sack. You know what I'm saying? So I get up every morning. I think, you know, and even yeah, I know I was driving to the comedy

store on a Sunday night and I got to be honest. I was parking the car. I go, what the fuck possessed me to call the store on a Sunday night? Who the fuck am I? I got a two year old, four year old. Yeah. And as I'm back on my driveway, Joey, 54, you're still doing spots at the comedy store on a Sunday night at 1045.

How lucky are you? Yeah. I think back to Holstman going, you know what your spot? Don't do it. Yeah. Put the sign outside and tell people I have the 1045 spot who wants to do it. See how many people signed up for it? Yeah.

You really think about it that way. How fortunate I am. So yeah. When I saw the club, yeah, when I saw the end, I was going to Saturday night, I was on Long Island and you were at the store and they took a picture and they put it on Twitter and I'm like, he's home. You know, it's good. Yeah.

You got it, bro. You got to go down there. You got to even the week off. I still went to the store. I was like, I got it. You got to go down there. Nobody says you got to go down four nights and go run over to J. Davies and join and do eight spots and do the main room in the original

rule and do the belly room. Listen, the kids go to bed at nine, eight. I got to read a book though. Yeah. Yeah. I can't make your fucking belly room show at eight o'clock. All right. So knock that shit off.

You want me down there at 10, 15, I'll be down there at 10, 15. What's bothering you? Like, what are you going to yow bone now? What is it, buddy? More dude. No, but don't forget about Tony Bennett. Well, put it on. Don't you forget about it.

It's a beautiful Monday, 26th of June. Can't get no better than this. I got to deal with your producer. My producer wiping T.H.C. Google offers album. That's why you can't wait to get home. Fuck, no, no, that's like that's 12,000 years in person. This is you who leave you to like that fucking bed bug.

That's fine. When you bite your left cock sucker company, you sent me on that. Wait and see. I mean, I don't want to be around a lot of work coming up. Are you sitting tight for a few weeks? No, I'm hitting the road and I just started writing a new hour. So I got like 15 minutes. What a fucking nightmare.

Yeah, I got a 45 to go first 15 to go. What a fucking nightmare. Yeah, and then little by little, you start connecting the dots and you pick up a quick 20. You're like, all right, I'm halfway fucking them. I'm cooking with gas, but then you put the whole hour together and you're like, what is that? I'm doing my hour every fucking night for the last eight weeks,

polishing up all these people seeing it. Once they see it again, I'm fucked up. Let me write another half hour to throw them off in here. So I don't have the same thing. Then the week that you tape it, you book Thursday and you do a show, a warm up show just to get your shit tight. Maybe two on Friday. Yeah, Saturday.

That's a ticket. I would do it next time to be fucking loose. And yeah, but I'd work on an hour and a half. So they wouldn't see the whole thing when they watch the special. They go, I saw this. I just saw this in Minneapolis. I just saw this. Right.

That's why I never could figure out. That's why I can't just I can't. I got to break it up. I can only go out twice a month. Yeah. The rest of it kills me between the podcast and my wife. I'm a little on the older side, dog. That little six hour flight kills me for two days.

Yeah. Yeah, look, you know, there's times where I'm exhausted and I. I'm like, it's not not wanting to perform because I love performing. It's the flight. It's getting on a plane. It's going to the airport. It's the pickup. It's doing morning press.

All that shit. I fucking can't stand the gig itself is fucking brilliant. I love the gig. I love going up and the minute I go on stage and I'm introduced and you see those people in the clapping, it's like, this is why I got on a plane. So, I mean, it it works. But it's gotten tougher as I've gotten older, for sure. When I was younger, it was like the fucking greatest.

No, when I was younger, I would leave in September and come back in January. I was one of those savages and send clothes home. Yeah. Every week I'd stop at a fucking Walmart by new one. These sites, if it didn't have holes in that, put in a box and send it home. Yeah. Right to Josh Wolf's house. I get back and have four boxes after four months.

Yeah. Anywhere you went, you picked up cheap tour clothes. Yeah. It's going to fuck up anyway. Losing the airport is going to get wet. In those days, I was flying Frontier and the B airlines. You know, now you fly the A airlines. Yeah.

But for a while, you fly the B airlines. I mean, you get there and your luggage is wet, Jack. I think nobody giving you no cash. If it's there. If it's there. Yeah. Frontier. Always, it's always the other one.

There was like four of them. Frontier, Spirit. Spirit, so. Oh, you'll you'll lose your luggage for sure. Yeah. Your luggage is an egg wise and fucking. You can plan on Spirit to like be like you got a seat. Yeah.

That's the one where you got to pay as you get on, right? You pay for the seat and you pay for all the all everything. Oh, you want a fruit basket? That's an extra 18 dollars. Oh, you want to blank it? Yeah. Oh, no, they go. They go as far as like a carry on.

They don't. There's nothing for free. You if you want to be on going for free, have to walk on by yourself. No backpack or nothing. I'm surprised they don't make you break a dollar. So you got to put a quarter in those things to use a toilet. You know, like in New York, sometimes you got to get get changed to go take a piss.

The worst. Yeah. Spirit, I wouldn't be surprised if they're six months away from that shit. How crazy is that? We used to pay a quarter to take a piss. Yeah. Or nickel or nickel or dime. Then we figured out you could put slugs in there.

Once me and my friends could get slugs in the New York City game over, bitch, 10 cents on a dollar or something. They didn't give a fucking resort profit. Some guy had some fucking metal shop. We just cut circles, shape of nickels and they buff them out. Maybe those things were sharper than you reaching your pocket for those things. You got four stitches. You had to fucking do it slowly.

Jack, you know, after a while, you just get slugs for everything. You figure out the ones for the phone. You get to it was such a corrupt New York when I was growing up. When I left New York in 85, it was still so fucking. Everything was so attainable. And I got to be honest with you. I didn't like it. How easy it was.

Didn't like it, man. It was very scary, easy. You go into the city at four in the morning, go to an apartment, announce a blow up. Give them 10 minutes to have a kilo here. Show them the cash, take it back to the car. That kilo will be here within 15 minutes. You want a weapon.

Guy introduces you to a nine millimeter. It's shot four people. How did the fuck 75 dollars off the press? Yeah, I'll take it. What else you got? Well, my friend across the neighborhood got a fucking tank with a missile up in the Bronx. He's looking for 20 G's cash right now.

You know what? I got 15 seven in the car. Can I take it? Maybe we can call 15 K right now. I'll take the fucking thing. You know, New York was that attainable at one time. When I really saw the guts in New York, I was like, wow. Yeah, this is not good for a guy like me.

Yeah. You know, because I know how to hustle. You come up to me and go, I need a dirty gun. I know I can get it for 75, give me 200 right now. 200, boom. I just made a buck on the court. I didn't do none. I just drove you into the city and gave you a gun.

You know, I wasn't thinking about who you're going to shoot. I know you're going to shoot your mother in the fucking head. Now I feel terrible. You know what I'm saying? It's not, no, but it's that's what I didn't like how easy accessible life was in the 80s. And it's very scary to think that, but it was very true. Quailudes, you know, you could prescriptions were easy.

You know, you felt we get your notary. I mean, everything was so such a robbery. You know, right? I'll never forget 1988, 89. If you rented a dumpster, yeah, the regular construction dumpsters 16 feet by eight feet, those regular ones in Colorado. A dumpster a day was $200 would pick up. That same dumpster in New Jersey was $2,200.

Jesus, what? Everything in New York at that time was just a fucking crime. Yeah, we're doing and I know stories that I feel bad about now. But then I was like, Jesus, I just jobs that people got no show jobs. Like New York was just one big fucking scam. But yeah, you know, APA trucking was a great place for a young man. You got in high school and you didn't have a job and you were retarded. Go jets, jets, jets, those guys.

Yeah, we think those guys are cheer for the jets that go to the games and you seem to go and go jets, jets, jets. We think the opportunities are for that poor bastard. Yeah, he goes to APA truck and a guy like that. He gets 24 an hour out of high school. Yeah, 16 hours a night, five nights a week. Do the fucking math. That dude's buying the house in a year.

Yeah, because he lives with his mother. He drinks on Fridays. He watches the jets and he's a mule. And he'll be a mule for 10 years. I'll never miss a night of work. But to get into the union, you have to work eight days. The shop's doers job is not is to make sure they don't hire any. They don't let nobody work eight days in two months.

Right. Your job is to get the eight days. So you got to pay somebody. Yeah. So you go there at eight o'clock, you stand online. I'm just making an imaginary situation up and it's like on the waterfront. They pick you, they pick Lee, they pick me. It's because I gave the guy a fifty dollar bill. Yeah, you know, I figured let me pay a hundred. I get two nights to work.

You know, in those days, it was 18 bucks, 16 hours and 18 bucks for two nights for a guy like me. Yeah, that's a score, Jack. Yeah. And I had to pick up Volkswagen fucking hoods. Like I'll never forget carrying the hood. Yeah. Of a Volkswagen, like, you know, picking it up and going, Jesus Christ, picking up engines, like your back goes after a while. But if you're a mule anyway, it's not a bad job.

Yeah. You could buy a long showman's book when I was growing up for fifteen hundred. Fifteen hundred, you could start shaping, though. Yeah, that's a fucking you get on with a company. You don't work on my dad, my friend's dad, my good friend, tell me his dad. I mean, the old days, like, if you worked, you made like a grand. But if you didn't work, you got like one hundred and forty four

thousand dollars a day, which ain't, you know, back then it's pretty fucking. 82. That's not a fucking bad little score. You know what I'm saying? You got a spot tonight or something? No, my wife is my wife's on my hide. So, yeah, I should get going soon. Now, let me give a shout out here. Yeah, good to see you, Steve Byrne.

Always good to see you. I'm happy about this movie. Thank you so much. I was very excited about your special. Thank you. I was also very excited about, you know, just that you're out, you're still fucking doing your thing. Grinding. That's that's all you can do. So we're doing right. D in Colorado, my girl, Meg, Kanye, six, Kane,

Jay Brutarius, not Rob G. Andre Neves, Ph.D. Cynthia Chen says and Burton Macklin. I'm going to be at the motherfucking ice house Thursday night, the 29th, 830, working out with Uncle Joey. Ten bucks. I got six topics will go over my family. Then the following week, I'm at the South Point Casino,

hidden in the Western and the Hudson. What is it called? The federal witness relocation plan at the end of the strip. Don't make sure you come to the South Point 730 show. I have you out of there by nine. You go see Rogan at 10 with Tony Hinchcliffe. Who's better than your Uncle Joey? Where you at next week, Tarzan?

I'm at the Hollywood Improv Friday and then next week I go to D.C. Draft House and then I go off to Montreal for two and a half weeks for the. Just a minute. You're going to Montreal like a soldier of a soldier. All our Canadian people get Cassius Morris on it. Yeah. To make a call and go fucking take the troops to go see you.

We'll get my girl Charlie to go see you in Montreal. Good for you, man. Thanks, bud. I see you're supposed to be going. I go ahead. We're going to do like 15 minutes. Yeah. If you got to go, I'm happy. I love you, boys. Thank you so much.

Go to the hockey game tonight. Lee. Oh, my God. OK, take care, buddy. Love you, Joey. Yeah, go through here. Thank you so much, bud. OK, yeah. OK. Thank you, brother.

You got it, guys. What's up, Lisa? Yeah, it's fucking Monday. What do you got planned for the rest of the week? I'm going to go away with the family. I'm very excited. I'm going to hook up with my daughter's godfather. You know, I want her to have a relationship with the godfather.

He's bringing his daughter, so I'm taking a flight tomorrow. I'm wanting and we're going to hook up for two days. So I'll be back in town Thursday night for the show. She is a princess of Burbank Airport. Who? Mercy. Well, this is the first time flying out of there. She's never flown out of. Do you think you'll like it?

I think that'll be fun. I think it'd be really cool to come out on the tarmac as a little kid. No, I don't fucking know. But I'm excited that I'm taking her away. For two days with my wife, just to, you know, I got to do something different. I trust me. I was against it because, you know, me, I have to go to jujitsu and stick to it. But I'm going to do some drill class tomorrow at 10 30.

I'll be home and the call picked me up and I'll get the fuck out of there later in the afternoon. So it's good for me because, guys, let me tell you something. I'm the laziest sack of shit when it comes to doing stuff with my family of that level. Like I hate fucking vacations. Anybody who knows me knows I'm not fond of vacations, but I'm not doing it for me. It's not about me. It's about this little girl and her relationship with her Godfather. You know, I was talking to somebody today and nobody really knows.

Like if you're a Catholic, that's one thing. But I think in today's Catholicism world, the Godfather, Godmother situation has taken very lightly. We're in my world that was taken very seriously. I was very, very, very, very, very fortunate after my father died that my Godfather would pick me up every fucking Saturday and take me to a movie, take me to get a cheeseburger. It was just a really, really good environment for it was he was the man I needed, you know, in the Cuban world. When you're a Godparent to somebody and the parent or parents die, you're the first one on the scene. That's just an unwritten rule. And let me tell you some guys, he's stuck by it.

And like I said, I told the story before we were tight till all through my grammar school, but I didn't really know at the time what he did. And he was in Miami half the time. Sometimes he was doing time. Who the fuck knew what he was doing? And when my mother died, he showed up and we kept in touch. And then one day I called his number and it was disconnected and I was very upset, you know, with everything else I had going on in my life at 16 and 17. I forgot about it. And I saw him in 84 and he befriended me and we were friends again.

And I could lie to you and tell you that from the time it might be friends to him. It was to see what I could get out of him as a Godfather. My job was to make him feel guilty so he would get cash out of him or whatever. And he opted to give me Coke to sell. You know, that was his way of helping me. And I appreciate it now, but I think about it now and I think about the movement and how un fucking Godfather-ish it was. I ended up not paying him. He ended up threatening me and looking for me.

And this went on for years. He moved to South Florida or whatever. People say when they see him, he's old and he still says shit about me. Like, that's how pissed. And he's not mad at me. I broke his fucking heart, you know. So I've never been a Godfather to anybody, you know. I don't think I'm fucking worried to be some child's Godfather.

But when I asked my friend to be Mercy's Godfather, I asked him because he's older. I've known him for 40 fucking years and he's got a daughter too. I know the type of duty is he steps up to the plate. So I'm really fortunate that out. He called me last week and said, I'm going to San Francisco next week and I'm going to drive down. And so I said, you know, call me when you get in them and you get a little closer. I'll fucking meet you somewhere, you know, so he's driving right now. I'm going to hook up and we're going to hit the coast and do a few things and take my daughter

and his daughter to a few little things. And I'll be back Thursday. She gets a spend time with a Godfather, a God sister. And I get to take my wife away and everybody's happy. Sounds wonderful. And I get to spend time with the cats. Yeah. But we want to stay in over two nights.

So you can come over in the morning and say hello and talk to Juan in Spanish and see what's going on. I'm going to leave one over there. That gives me peace of mind because that's my biggest fear is them being alone at night. Oh, OK. They don't like being alone. I've been around those cats for so long. I'll probably go over at least and say hello to Harry. Haven't seen Harry.

It's crazy how I've gotten. I never thought this would possibly happen, but I've gotten even tighter with your cats. Like Demi and Harry are just two saints of fucking cats. They really, really are. I'm very fortunate. I'm very fortunate to have all my fucking cats. But those two motherfuckers, we have a bond down like today. I was watching something, the news and Demi sat next to me and I rubbed his belly

and he grabbed my hand and I rubbed his chest and I rubbed under his chin. And I remember four years ago. No, five years ago, if I would do something like that, he'd get up and run away. Now I just manhandle him. You know, I'm saying like there's a complete trust. There's a complete trust with me and Harry. Harry doesn't like to get picked up and kissed. No, but I'll still pick him up from time to time.

Give him a big kiss on the face. That's surprising to me. I mean, he seems like a love brother. He won't. He won't hiss or nothing like that. He just doesn't like getting pissed up, picked up the girls. Lulu loves love. Today, I went up to Lulu and pet her and she me out at me and Evie always sits by the door. So I touch Evie for good luck and when I come home,

Evie's in the same spot and I touch her because she's always there when I leave. And when I come back, she's the reason why I come back. So I always touch a little hand and give her a kiss and tell her I love. It's just amazing how close you get with your fucking animals, man. So I'm really happy that I kept them and they've been by interesting weekend. You know, Long Island was fucking phenomenal. Four shows. They weren't packed shows, but they were great audiences.

I want to congratulate governors because they've had a movie shoot there called The Comedian and they've had crashing shoot there in the next in the last year. They've really done a great job as a comedy club. You know, fucking 15 years ago, governors was a hell of a hole. Oh, really? Oh, I remember going there in 98. I ran the fuck out of there. That was a fucking hell of a hole, Jack. So to see what this owner has done with it, to see how nice the place is,

my applause. It was a great weekend. Like I said, I'm home this weekend. I have the Ice House Thursday night and then next week and we're at the South Point and the weekend after that, we're in St. Louis and the weekend after that, July 29th. We got the motherfucking Bogota in New Jersey. And that's how it is, Lee. That's the way it's fucking cracking for the next couple of weeks. I got my jujitsu. I got my health.

And that's it, my brother. Let me read these ads and we'll get you the fuck out of here. I appreciate you people listening to the podcast and supporting us in the high level that you have been. There's a good show. You know why? Because I really love you, motherfuckers. And I know Lee loves you, motherfuckers. Of course. Because without you, motherfuckers, we would both be doing something

we wouldn't want to be doing. Well, he would be sitting up all night eating Cheetos and shit. Fucking editing or whatever the fuck it is. But you know what? This podcast is brought to you by Quip. My wife and I got a quip and we love it. It is just tremendous. It's easy. The best thing about it's got the little time of brother.

And you can put it on there and I'll brush your teeth nice. It doesn't rip apart your gums. But here's something to chew on. Many recent studies suggest that having good oral health impacts your overall health, which it does. It affects your heart. Yet most of us don't brush our teeth properly. You know what? I'm a nasty motherfucker, but I've always brushed my teeth. You can start with brushing better today.

I'll tell you why, including Quip, introducing Quip, the new company that's refreshing the way people brush their teeth. Quip is an electric toothbrush that packs premium vibration and a time of feature into an ultra slim design that's half the cost of bokeh brushes. It's basically like Apple designed the toothbrush, but without the big price tag, you have to see it and brush with it yourself. You can even subscribe to receive new brush heads

on the dentist recommended three month plan for just five dollars, including free shipping Quip is backed by the leading dentist and was named as one of the Time magazine's best inventions of 2016. They won the 2016 GQ Grooming Award and made it on Oprah's new 2017 O-List. Quip starts at twenty five dollars. Right now, go to Quip dot com slash Joey to get your first refill pack free with the Quip electronic toothbrush.

Let me tell you something. This is the way to go. It's refreshing the way people brush their teeth. But that's your first refill pack free at Quip dot com slash Joey. Again, G E T Q U I P dot com slash Joey. How's that for you? Number two, you know me, people. Well, I don't like having something if I don't like it.

My favorite items in the world is what I'm about to tell you right now. And it's me on these. I love them. I love how comfortable they are. And you can ask my friends. Sometimes I wear white gear and I wear colorful me on these. And I'll go, Joey, what type of underwear has you got on? Even my little daughter says daddy's got panties on. But I don't care. I love me on these.

There's a reason I've been telling you about me on these for months now. There's simply the softest, most comfortable underwear you'll ever wear. Once you try them, you won't want to wear anything else. Trust me, unless you're naked or you're in a swimsuit. Every other second of your life, there's me on these. Every pair of me on these is sustainably sourced and made from micro mode. All a fabric that's three times softer than cotton. Not that when you sweat, you don't sweat.

It retains the coolness all day with this material. If you're used to buying packs of uncomfortable, boring underwear, that only in white, they only come in white, gray, black or tan. Me on these will change everything because me on these comes in all kinds of colors and patterns and they release a new limited edition pattern each month that's always a sellout. This month, it's rainbow confetti print called celebrate. Try me on these today.

Go get the celebrate pattern before they're all gone at me on these.com slash Joey and you'll save 20% off your first story. You know why? Because I love you and I take care of my family. You have to feel for yourself to see why me on these has sold over five million pairs to date. And if you don't love your first pair of me on these, they're free. Get 20% off your first pair plus free shipping at me on these.com slash Joey

right now. Listen, you know me. These are the underwears to wear right now. They're comfortable. They cool. Their reason to put on, they come right to your door. You can't beat it. So go to me on these.com slash Joey again, me on these.com slash Joey. So now you got a great pair of underwear, but you take them off and your

asshole smells like the 10 dead Billy goats. What are you going to do? Guess what? The days are back bitches. Happy with hello. Tushy.com is going to rock your world. What's hello. Tushy Joey.

It's a portable bidet that you attach right to your toilet and every time you poop or you don't poop or your balls are stinky, you sit on it, you put the water on, bang, bang, boom, and your ass is tip top. My goalie am I bullshit? No, he's not bullshitting you and even someone like me who can't build anything installed it in under 30 minutes. So it's pretty great. So there you have it.

It's the most comfortable bidet out there. It's tremendous. Comes with a 90 day guarantee. Listen, why should you get asked right? It's the summer, the humidity gets in there and they'll eat you out from the inside out. You don't need that. Get a portable bidet.

Go to hello.tushy.com right now. What is it, Lee? Go to hello.tushy.com slash church. And there you go. You get 10% off. Okay. And that's the way the party starts. Why should you walk around with the stinkiest asshole in town?

Don't do it. You ever sit on the train and you smell your own asshole? That's when you know you got problems right there. That's where hello.tushy.com comes in. The best portable bidet out there in the market. 90 day money back guarantee. It's the one I use and Lisa, I use and you're going to be so fucking happy with it. You're not going to know what the fuck to do.

You're going to get all Facebook. You're going to quit all this shit and you're going to sit in the toilet, roll fucking joints and wait for the pizza delivery man. How you should. That's how good hello.tushy is. So again, Lee, where do they go? Hello.tushy.com slash church. There you have it.

One more time. Hello.tushy.com slash church. One more time for quip and one more time for me on these, my most favorite underwear in the world. I'll see you guys Wednesday night. Stay black. I love you Thursday night. Thursday night.

When at the ice house at the ice house, but we'll see you there Wednesday morning and I'll see you Thursday night. The motherfucking ice house. 8 30 p.m. Working out with Uncle Joey and the following week at the South Point Casino and the following week at the motherfucking St. Louis Helium bitches. So get your shit together and then July 29th, the boy got to end this bitch. Philadelphia.

Get your shit together. Not a lot of tickets left. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. So you can't see the views. Forgiven for dead. All the while. Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child.

Because hell. Hell is for children. And you know that the little lies get me caught in such a mess. Hell. Hell is for children. And you should not be paid for your love with your bones and your flesh. Hell. It's also confusing.

It's brutal abusing. They blacken your eyes and then want to judge. You're a damn stupid girl. Don't tell my little thing. You're a damn little boy and you get a new toy. So grandma you fell off the swing. Because hell. Hell is for children.

And you know that the little lies get me caught in such a mess. Hell. Hell is for children. And you should not be paid for your love with your bones and your flesh. Hell is for children. Hell is for hell. Hell is for hell. Hell is for children.

Hell. Hell is for hell. Hell is for hell. Hell is for children. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,