Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #495 - Martin Moreno

Episode Date: July 3, 2017

Martin Moreno, a comedian who has toured the globe and the host of the "Martin and Hooter" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Stamps.com - Never go to the post office again with stamps.com and use code: JOEY for a 4 week trial.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/02/2017.
  

Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. That mic is too hot. That mic is too hot. That mic is too hot. That mic is too hot. There you go Welcome to podcast villain the church of what's happening now. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by audit Go to audit comm for all your supplements your weights any bestial bats maces They got t-shirt. They got everything me. I specialize in the supplement part the acai hemp force the chocolate hemp force protein Which they're out of by the way, I think they might be back in stock tomorrow How do I know because I put an order in myself? Also, they have their main brand They have alpha brain alpha brain a hundred percent money back guarantee We don't even want the goddamn product back. That's how much believe to have an alpha brain

Go to audit comm right now and press in church bam and get 10% off your first order Also, these days you can practically get anything on demand. It's like our podcast the church Listen, whatever you want when it's convenient for you So why the hell are you still going to the post office and dealing with their limited hours and standing online like a mook the law When you can get postage on demand with stamps dot com right now use my name joey J o e y for the special offer. It's a free week trial. It includes postage and a Digital scale go to stamp scop comm before you do anything else and click on the radio Microphone on the top of the home page and type in joey again stamps dot com

Top radio microphone at the top of the home page type in joey stamps dot com You'll never ever ever go to a post office again kick that muley I Ain't the fourth of July. It's the fucking third of July cocksuckers. Take the stick out of your ass It's a beautiful day to be alive and let's do this fucking thing. All right Take that muley don't make me blow up this computer today, I'll blow it up how I'm fucking feeling Oh shit

Here we go This is good as it gets people this is always gonna be as good as it gets right here Look around they went with a win-blow With a little girl in the Hollywood I know another lost angel city Fucking kidding me. Are you fucking kidding me? Wow If you're not ready to jump out your fucking car window you ain't real right here, this is

And this is coming at you like a fucking dick in the ass. You don't even see this song coming at you Morrison a fucking just are you fucking kidding me? Here we go. He just breaks it down Oh I Monday July 3rd you bad motherfuckers Are you kidding me? Oh, it's like I was I gave that song. Let's not hurt that song It says 1965 I listened to that song 8,000 times

Oh my god at my house they play that my mom's bar They play in my neighborhood Every time they play on the radio, it's like I've heard it for the first time again Like that's how good to me that to me in my world. That's one of the top three songs the lyrics Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fine if you say those lyrics to a woman? They just melt What the fuck does he say?

Put it on right from there. All right. Let me see put it on right from there. Hold on He says I turned it off. He says something just beautiful. Oh, you don't even need to I see your hair is burning Yes, those are filled with fire. If they said I never loved you, you know, they are alive. Are you fucking kidding? Yeah, are you fucking who writes that who writes a fucking genius who writes to come on guys? Yeah No, dude, but he's a freaking brilliant. He's a poet. I'm telling you fucking poet people think the CIA killed him That was God. God said, you know, I need somebody rewrite the Bible Is dropping knowledge this motherfucker dropping knowledge. Yeah, if he would have been there when I wrote it Nobody wouldn't been walking around confused my guest tonight is my brother of God knows how long Martin Moreno

And my other little brother mr. Lee sciat You know, I think I think it's you know, what can I just like just start off by saying that holy fuck? This is church. This is church. No, this really is church and I'm gonna testify why this is church Because for the last Few years, I've actually been talking about the spirit of freakin Jim Morrison and people channel that fucking spirit when you Listen to that that resonates with you and it touches you in a certain way that motherfucker was talking to your soul You know, but there's people that connect with that, dude And I've been like like just seriously seriously the fact that it got tied in to the beginning of your show

That's the church. It's almost like oh, it was pre-ordained that it was gonna happen. That was the miracle And I said, uh, I just thought a fucking LA woman. I don't know why I just love it to me all my life That song I didn't like listen from the early age to I like the song I didn't like when he starts with the mojo rising But as I got older, that's the most brilliant part that hall mr. Mojo rising He just goes off the album is brilliant As I got older, I like the doors more. I started reading about him. Yeah My mom loved him. She was Cuban. She thought he was fucking the world's greatest looking man. I'm in Steve McQueen

She said they could take over the world at that cox And I grew up on this music, you know, and it just it just takes me back to a different fucking time Yeah, I was I was hanging out with somebody actually that that had a Jim Morrison tattoo and She ended up getting fucked up and like later in retrospect. I was like, holy fuck like it was almost like The the spirit of Jim Morrison was still doing fucking crazy shit You know and and being and being himself, you know, people being people being them, you know, you and I are both music lovers Yeah, but I don't know if you ever played an instrument or not I tried I tried the bass in high school. No, I could always play the drums

But once I got to pick something I always knew because of my coke habit I would pull on the guitar or the drums shelf life You know what I'm saying like how long how long fly born the guitar So I chose not to do that. You don't take that. You don't bring your own microphone. Thank God Because I would have been on my thousand microphone at this point in my career Wow, but whatever I want inspiration brother, whatever I'm lost with a joke I'm feeling fucking down. I put on music. Yeah, I go to my fucking office I put the earphones on and I blast whatever's on fucking YouTube till I can't hear no more

And it does something to me. You're absolutely right. It does something to me music has always been a Kind of a motivator. I hate working out in my house. Moon because there's no music I got to work up with the iPod you grow a punch to the bag the fucking earphone pop out and shit So it's and then you look at your life later on your life. That's when you really look at music You know, I'm trying to write a book. So when I try to outline a chapter I put the music on That I was listening to at that time and Within an hour if I keep that pen moving Ideas will come back to me shit that I forgot just from listening to that stupid fucking album

Bro, I mean anything related to music. I was I was at the Iron Maiden concert last night and Yeah, it's great to see the band but the magic that happens like outside even before you get there It's an event even before you get there. You're with like-minded people who are like They don't they don't want to fucking Hurt anybody they just want to have a good fucking time and listen to some loud fucking music I remembered a week ago. Uh-huh why enjoyed Watching live comedy again Like I'm sick of specials

I'm gonna watch Man on fire with my dog. What's the name crystal here? Did you watch it yet? I haven't even gone to I'm gonna watch Man on fire with Crystal Lee and I'm done. I'm done Okay, do you watch a lot of specials? You know, you try to you try to watch comics and you try to Take the whole out. I can't watch my whole out. I got to watch 20 minutes and go for a fucking walk And drink a fucking Cold glass of water or something come back. So but you're your worst critic as well But the other thing is that I love I forgot how much I

Love getting out and sitting at the back of the comedy store and watching four or five comics. I really forgot how much You know, I remember in Houston years ago. They would have the open mic from seven to two in the morning And they were go what the fuck and And in the place would be sold out and it was that people want to see a train wreck There's people that love open mice. Oh, you know, people want to go to open mice for different reasons I did an open mic in Spanish a couple of weeks ago in a bar in East LA So, yeah, I mean it's it's in Spanish now 100% Spanish now

I see that they do at the comedy store. Yeah in a couple places. Yeah Spanish stand-up making a comeback is it or is it growing? I'm sorry. Okay. Yeah, I don't think that it's ever You know what? That's funny that you that you asked that Spanish comedy has is just about has hit its evolution right now like there's so much like Political instability to say the least that a lot of these guys Aren't doing the two drunk guys walk into the bar jokes anymore because that's what it used to be it used to be a lot of you know Elementary dick jokes and fucking really like jokie jokes and

Or story. Yeah, this drunk guy showed up and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and it was funny and it worked But that was the formula and in the last I want to say maybe 10 years or less the monologue has Come on the scene and there's these dudes that are like they're killing it They're saying a lot of shit. Just talking in Spanish though Spanish 100% Spanish That's crazy. I like I've watched the Cuban guy. I grew up on the Mexican dude. He's do you know, huh? I Thinking about doing it now like I would go on stage and give it a try just because it's who I am You would fucking kill it that really you would not really listen listen listen listen listen

I would have to play a character. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no No, if I went up there the only way for me to make this funny just trust me to tell you a Cuban But I have to be like one of the dudes I would have to go up there in the morning and be fucking filthy Like I remember walking. I was tight with Felicia. They love it. They love how it's tight with Felicia They love filth and I would walk into a house every Tuesday to do a podcast and every week I would say well, I thought that I want is our house cleaner and watches the kids and takes the kids to school And I would walk in being raised how I was and I would go well Yeah, I want it in Spanish and she saw what all the hell say or whatever the fuck she'd say

Not about five or six weeks. This I walked in one day. They go, let me take a chance You know one old watch tell him window in the kitchen and shit like that and I had like a suntan So she bought right into it. I Walked up to her and I don't want to come south. That means I'm tired And she goes book it And I go because I just came back from Vegas and it was hot And I couldn't sleep because the air conditioner in the room and I go on top of that when you're in Vegas They blow oxygen in the room and she goes really hard. It's a shame

And I go and the only good part was the pool, but the weirdest thing happened at the pool And she goes what happened? And I go, I'm in the water and it's a gay guy walking past There's a gay guy in the water and the gay guy walking says to him. Oh, yeah, come on. Oh, wow And the gay guy goes there pinga and the other guy was one of my people a cool, right? She looked at me for like a second. That's like a really dirty joke Like how's the water the water is like a cock. Well, I'm gonna do cuz it doesn't translate in English I'll tell you but I'll tell you that they die those jokes. She died. They love it. She died and then after that. Yeah, I can hit it with

Not material. I'm not ready to do material I'm ready to do one of the characters that would hang in my mother's bar With that style of Cuban. It's a style of Cuban a lot of Cubans don't dig It'll go over in Miami and Kendall. He's a while when I speak in Spanish Yeah, these are why I speak a wild Cuban dialect a wild When people hear it, they look at me What the fuck is a wild Cuban that like I've heard Cuban speak I grew up surrounded by Cubans Cubans taught my mom how to cook like they legit taught her how to make it's Cuban

It's easy though. I know we were so dude. We had Cubans to the right Cubans to the left Cubans behind us I called Becky the other night. I told her what they call pussy in Spanish. That's a walker. Uh-huh Yeah That's what you should tell the Spanish dudes You just called Becky up and told you this She was on the phone going oh my god, I mean it's a question it's a legit question. What do you call it? She goes, I'm not even gonna tell my mother I gorilla and mono

That means to have the Harry spider in Spanish they have a thousand names for the vagina because they're not allowed to talk about the fucking vagina so they got to talk it and they got it they literally that's where that shit had to have come from they had to disguise the fact that and now all those fucking names just kind of stuck as like a fucking like a I don't know almost like a crazy reminder of the of the oppression of this the Cuban community was very popular what's his name not the angel solos are not the kid from the commie store a guy that does just

albums in Miami and he fucking does these out of Miami fucking Lee huge and he's dirty okay you know later on once I have to for me to write Spanish stand up I have to sit down for a while and there's no work way really to work at heart just at your spot once a week right now you have to kind of pop into the comments for you you're popping so so you could do whatever you're doing in English you wouldn't have to do a whole different set you could just do the same thing you just translate it and a lot of it sounds like it doesn't translate but you'll find a word that's funny that still gets the same point across because

the situations what's funny and then a word just kind of helps to sell it and you're a master wordsman it's funny because that when I was growing up there was a dude named Monina we used to go to my mother's bar that was a street name Monina Monina means in that Spanish abaqua religion Monina if I see you on the street that's a word of affection this guy was a sweetheart he wore a wig and he sold coke so he'd hide the coke under his wig you can't write this shit but Monina had a way with words and all the Catholic holidays the Cuban Catholic holidays my mother would let Monina a story tell or tell a story if he did a

couple bumps my mom would have to cut them off it was hysterical Monina yeah don't break it yeah I gotta sell drinks you know but it was weird that did it's crazy like every time you say that you say it very non nonchalantly you know like very matter-of-fact but you know you're legit talking about being a kid talking about you know your mother checking the motherfucker on him on his coke intake like that you saw but you saw so much so young and you were prepared for anything that this bitch threw at you because of that but at that age I knew what cocaine was mm-hmm I knew they were all doing it right I didn't

pay I didn't give them attention I wouldn't give them attention from time to time from the age of maybe seven to maybe the time she died I would open my mouth about it if it was obvious and there were people they were outside as normal if we'd be at the bar and my mom and it was nine o'clock and I was walking into the bar from karate and there was a couple of customers at the bar drinking people playing pool I put my gear down in the back and go to the back of the soda if I went to the bar and she had white on her nose and those three dudes in that bar was packed I would say something to them and then my

mom would say something to them and then I would overhear them like they would go around him be careful my mom would at a young age right my mom would tell people to be careful and I was undone he's a fucking walk be careful what you're doing kids see shit you see shit everybody see listen I remember the guys that would go they would leave and there would be a group of guys that would leave the party and they'd go around the block and then they'd come back and they'd be laughing and they'd smell like fucking weed right you knew what they were doing everybody knew that they were smoking bud but it's

like they they left and they hid to do it everybody was drinking tequila drinking alcohol fucking pounding cigarettes like it was no problem but the minute a joint came out the need to go hide it was so like it like what the fuck it's so weird I was exposed to weed as a this is nothing don't worry about right yeah like you find don't worry about nothing bad's gonna happen and for years I didn't like a weed I smelled it but I had a godfather who baptized me and he was a fucking podhead like he who I am today is him he would smoke and giggle by himself and eyes just get red and as a young kid I would look at him go this

motherfuckers having a good time even though I was against marijuana I would go this motherfuckers having a black himself like this times we would go he bro this guy was solid he would take me every I had no phone so from the age of four and a half to like fucking hate every Saturday pick me up and take me to a movie we go eat something there's a good guy in the car you roll a joint they say don't tell your mother about this smoke you know saying he get high and start giggling then we go to a movie sometimes the movie we're gonna go see his men was sold out like I used to tell him take me the fucking men movies you

know saying right and one time went to select the group the lovebug like one of those herby rides again shows like that was it I was the only matinee movie there was here I was I was a six-year-old with the mind of a ten-year-old really a fucking Volkswagen that flies around the air one of my super taught it and he's over there stone to the gills giggling like fucking this is the funniest thing he ever saw in his life genius and I'm like wait a second maybe there's something it's marijuana so is always the back of my mind didn't smoke it that's so well I was like my mom had the bar one night I saw it take a sip of

wine so I went into she went to bed I took the whole bottle of wine I drank it when she woke up she couldn't find me she called the police they found me in a closet with shit and puke all on myself because I drank the bottle of wine alcohols never really been my thing you know I'm saying so the drug exposure in my home was very and then it was like good fellas my mother's friends everybody that my mother's circle did it now here was the fucked up part that if that person had kids I was not allowed to discuss the drug use with those kids because maybe the way they were being raised they didn't know what their

family did even though I knew so for example if I went to your house and I was a cocoa I was seven I would go to your house to play with your eight-year-old son Martin Cecil Jr. right what Martin would never know that you were a drug bar and you shop people I knew because you hung out at my mother's bar and I heard the reputation of me so I would be go to your house play with your kids and I wouldn't even mention it and the parents will look at the my mom and go equal never she would go here so my mom not if I knew I couldn't open up my mouth at all so growing up all those years I grew up in like a secret I

couldn't let them know even when I was like 10 or 11 and cocaine started scratching and you would hear rumblings about it maybe 12 yeah from hearing people at the bar and you know I had already known what people were talking about so when you I mean there was no weed in my house and I knew about weed when I was in fucking like 4th grade and we're talking this was the 70s I was totally against weed and I think the sixth grade I finally cracked I tried it I tried it in 7th grade you know a joint between 22 people and then you giggle and go to blimpy bass and you get thrown out for giggling

and act them like an asshole and you will get patted on I can't go home why not they don't know they don't know they don't know when we viseen you we fucking hit you with cologne you know there was one and it was a once it went from and bonacca and bonacca like a mother fucker it went from being a once every three-month thing once a month and then all of a sudden fucking lease I had a student guy I grew up with guy who never wanted nothing to do with me up to 10 is calling me up because he wants to score a pound of weed you want you know I'm saying like that's how it went you're like okay so Lee smoking weed so it's

okay if I smoke you know what I'm saying like in your mind yeah Lee's a nice student you leave get a shit I'm definitely getting fucking I should leave get a fuck yeah I'm gonna okay yeah people are afraid it's weird it's people are afraid of it they're afraid of it they're afraid of it and it's kind of like you know and there's a lot of like stoner jokes that are probably did a lot of you know the service you know like just don't know anything bro like I forget everything man it's like just the the idea that anybody that smokes is just gonna just be completely clueless you know it's not that's not that's not

a fact you know I mean it's funny you you don't give a fuck about a lot of shit well you have to build to that point Martin I mean I respected it it was a it was a social thing for me I'm meeting Martin and Lee to go see apocalypse now what the fuck you think we're gonna do right we're gonna split a six-pack yeah you know and we're gonna drink smoke five joints we're gonna buy a we're gonna buy bro we're not even getting seven joints we're buying some african weed we're getting five joints for ten to ten bucks we smoke weed we we um yeah then it became Lee we do tomorrow morning not I'm going to school with the fucking

thing I'm doing it's your first class 845 meet me at 835 and you're like what the fuck are you doing no we're not I got a science class at 930 Lee how fucking sidekick in the stomach you're smoking this joint with me and now we smoke holy we were getting yeah let me tell you something we get stoned outside walked back into high school and you you career from Boston so in the winter it's cold yeah when you walk into the heat the reefer intense of I can't even imagine especially at that age and we go back to the classroom in high school and that's how it started I never dreamed I was smoking marijuana the daytime I was

not raised to smoke marijuana the daytime how old were you the first time you smoke marijuana in the daytime ballpark 16 16 but it started like that you know we would get out at 11 lunchtime like lunchtime we would play hooky yeah and by the time we got the beer and we got to the park yeah it was 1030 you know I'm saying that was my life that was my father that was my life yeah but then in high school it got to the point where you got stoned before high school that was like my junior year like towards the middle of my junior year I was actually me or you would go to school for a few classes and then meet I would

meet somebody like a 10 my friend Divo and a couple of us the school wasn't I I mean I'm not gonna say to learn anything but it was more of a social gathering for me I learned I learned because I was missing yeah for me it was like I went to school the day after my mother died because a I hated missing and B it was when I went to commissary it was my social fucking guy I shared a locker with a girl she had friends you talked to those dirty animals you talk to your friends who else I like who was in the homeroom who had you know it was a social gathering you went and you got all the information I was gonna happen

the next day or for the weekend or whatever part I mean the fuck that we start talking about this it's crazy I've been out of high school 10 years I think even now still I'd be afraid to do go to a class stoned that that blows my mind I didn't do it on the reg but I remember in summer school specifically when you were saying that I was thinking how I was there and I had gotten high before class and I went and it was like this I had to draw a cube and like with like a four-dimensional right yeah and dude do you know how freaking hard it was to do that stoned I was like I remember the picture and it was like all

distorted and fucking crazy I was trying to connect lines and shit I was stoned trying to make a fucking cube so the seventh grade we know it was in seventh grade though that was probably like an about it's like seventh grade yeah second time yeah okay we would go to shop right right behind the grandma school we walk like 200 yards there was an embroidery factory we would walk behind there and then we'd smoke pot and we'd go inside to in the shop right those days they made sandwiches believe it or not and we'd get to hell no no I'm lying to you they did something so you didn't smoke in the school no we

smoked softer property we went to shop right bought something to eat but shop lifted hubba-bubba nice a whole ten pack of five kids with a ten pack of hubba-bubba that means you want a war from one to three there's gonna be more bubblegum that's when we would go back to what kind of word you're gonna rage with bubblegum just throw it at Lee Lee would be in the front row and we would all bombard Lee that day and then we would get pissed people love bubblegum I'll never forget a fucking jar that came in with a ladder with a fucking ladder like this like this guys so he's got his left hand covering the ladder the black board

is where his right hand is he's walking in and I'll never forget the kid's name I am friends with his name his name is Orlando south say no in the eighth grade he sat in the back of the class he was one of those dudes that was a little retarded he was 15 we talk on Facebook now and for years I thought about him because he did legendary noise my eighth grade class was so legendary because we knocked the teacher out miss Walsh never came back miss Walsh started the year telling us how she was 64 she hadn't met every savage she had been there when there was no electricity when they taught with candles and we were not gonna

antagonize us she had heard our reputation that I got to tell you some of miss Walsh God rest her soul you killed her no the first two months we tormented her we tormented her till we got to her and she got to us then the other eighth grade teacher went on sabbatical in October they were friends for 40 years and another teacher came in Wally Lindsey he was a wee hawk and mayor he came in to teach in my eighth grade and finally one day he held us as a guys you gotta knock it off when I because she's gonna have a nervous breakdown and quit or like he just broke it down first you can't you can't keep

doing this stuff bro at one o'clock from one to three that class was live bubblegum flying through like I told you the janitor came in he came in and also Orlando picked up Orlando would get ten pieces of hubba-bubba and put it in his mouth at one fucking time take it out mold it into a brick and whip it at you oh and the teacher came in the principal came in the principal there like whatever the guy who fixes the fucking janitor came in this all these janitors were fucked up you had eagle eye his eye went up you have no one accepting these jobs to live to be human shields for teachers that's fucking

crazy you had but Benny was a high school janitor who I used to tell him that when I walked in I used to go Benny I got some blackberry brandy where is it in a locker we'll get it later and every class when I got out Benny would be there where's that blackberry brandy put in the eighth grade yeah we would throw gum at each other but every afternoon at about three o'clock we would do something algebra or something at two o'clock and Orlando would sit in the back no they'd be one guy in the third row reading whatever the chapter was about that person would be out of discussion and all of a sudden out of

nowhere you're like every six minutes five an hour until she just to get the reaction is crazy she knew if she would say something she would have a nightmare so she would sit back there and they would get like deeper you go and then you go back to wow and there's everybody just fucking dying some people you never knew when we were gonna go off like everything like alright so Monday Wednesday and Friday you have like a match from one to two two to three you had like social studies so I say Tuesday and Thursday had different schedule every day we had a different setup for like every day in

the afternoon was a different set of torture but that was the main but then there was a dude that sat next to me his name was my I'll never forget Michael Allegretta this guy was an A-plus student since kindergarten he moved from his dad was like a scientist his mother was like a fucking astronomer this guy's Italian this guy's English wasn't very good but he hung with us he didn't get high he was cool as shit though we gave him some bubblegum I wouldn't let people throw bubblegum at him because he was like a kind of in there we play street hockey we used to hit him in the shins just to hear him go ouch ouch

Michael was a cool dude but this dude was like a fucking yell dude like he was not gonna yell you can tell and one afternoon he started with the so now it was fucking Michael Allegretta and Domino and Domino especially out in stereo going off I'll never forget this day like yes like if I ever get to do a TV show this scene would be in it like I have ten scenes from that classroom in my head that I can't lie to you as a man this times I think about and tears come to my eyes from emotion like at that time Fleetwood Mac rumors was the big wow so that was the theme of that classroom if I ever write that book

you know get to that I'm gonna have to write in chapters with the names of the songs because that's it was rumors rumors was everything you heard don't stop thinking about tomorrow don't stop everything everything was rumors so it's Michael Dominic Miss Walsh I'm over here you see that death weapon yeah that's Miss Walsh that's how close she was to me I was in the first row Michael Allegretta's right here and Dominic's two from Dominic's where I am only on the right side of the class or land those in the deep right all of a sudden she's reading this book I'll never forget this bro gums flying planes are going off in

the air people are making fart noises and then it was timing and in the middle of all this you give a how and then somebody would do something else and Michael Allegretta would go wow and then somebody else would do something Dominic special will go and this just went on this was like and gum was hitting the blackboard you know Charlie Gizzy's in the back fucking shooting planes as they went by Charlie Gizzy was a kid that sat on my side he was the last guy in the classroom and whenever a plane went by he jumped out of his desk and would go behind the desk and shoot the plane down this is real deal he's in

jail for murder tonight just to let you know we had a crazy grandma school dog I gotta write this on paper this is unbelievable but I'll never forget this certain day Michael Allegretta was hitting it Orlando Salcena was hitting it and Dominic special God rest his soul was hitting it they were all there hitting it wow and she fucking took her book and just put it down and she goes if it's not what the fuck did she say something about I'll never forget this she said the fact that you guys inspired her to what sounds like a fucking retirement like a speech she took those glasses off she had had like a stroke so she had like a

stiff eye he was not us like the eight years before she had a stroke on the summer I love Miss Waltz and she goes if it's not the heavy breathing it's something else what in the world is this and my friend goes meet the noise right to a face because meet the noise great dog we were animals funny like that teacher should have if you were that teacher would you not have laughed no at the line dog I saw a louis I was in the bathroom when they popped a pimp on my face I was the only one in the basement this school didn't have a gym till we got to the eighth grade so in the wintertime you shoveled snow and

that's how you got an A or a B or a C like from November the fact January if you were a good shoveler and you had to see those fucking stairs at McKinley shoveler you had to see the stairs at McKinley sometimes you shoveled child sometimes you did pull-ups and shit like that in the seventh and eighth grade classrooms outside that there was a thin alley and they would make you run in there like it was quite we never gym so these kids are going to focus with shoveling snow shoveling snow and I'll never forget walking out of that math on Monday and I see Louisa on the bar being grabbed by the principal Leo

Gatoni I'll never forget this problem and Leo is yelling at him Lewis was in the seventh grade big kid that he was Cuban but because of the skin color they were they still hitting people when you're going to school listen to me they weren't hitting people yeah they were walking down and I say they call them a ruzzo okay because he was a Cuban dude he hung out with this kid one and Alberto Ali we'll get to them later this is all in this class seventh eighth grade I'm coming out of the bathroom they're about 60 yards from me they don't see me I see them coming towards me because the stairs are to my

right-hand side they obviously going to the principal's office so right as I open the door none of the season I see Mr. Gatoni grab Louisa on the bar by his left arm okay as they're walking like the cops would grab me to take upstairs Louisa on the bar went away Leo Gatoni grabbed them over here on the left side of the collar and fucking Louisa on the bar unleashed a right-hand on them you understand me where I went to grammar school unleashed a right-hand on that this teacher's legs stumbled the one out from under him bro and he goes now you're really done and then Lewis goes to say it again I'll bust your fucking

mouth and Mr. Gatoni just ran away and next day they put Louie in the pilot program when they say this is a high school because you're too stupid he was Cuban but he didn't speak English so they held you back until you learned English in those days you know these people complain about racial shit Doug we can nobody complain as long as you were learning these kids were just you had to work harder in the summers but they were he was out of on was part of a trio the Ali brothers Juan and his brother Carlos and Carlos was a little retarded one said Carlos was on board no Alberto Ali and Juan Alberto Juan was

the mastermind something like that the other guy just stood next to him said see he was just retired he was a little as dark his skin was a little darker we were as young as we used to jump the dumpster at Duratest and take the light bulbs out Duratest used to be a big company in June in Union City and they made you know those long light bulbs yeah six feet office ones they would make those but the duds they would put them in the garbage we would take them out and hit each other in the head with them white powder would come out that's why half of us are dead we inhale that white powder in the 70s and they lived

close to that their house so for us to play with them but the strains thing about that shit was just out there for you to have access to and we also had access to the Banaca factory it wasn't a dumpster it wasn't just like yeah so light bulbs we'd have wars so in those days I would go up to Lee and go Lee fuck you and I hit Lee in the head with a light bulb he wouldn't cut himself and then he would just get white dust in his head sure and then I was dangerous back then I would hit me in the back with fucking glass pipes those glass things it wouldn't hurt him he wouldn't get electrocuted enough he would hit me back I

wouldn't be mad at him that's what you did with those things but I don't know how old that was let's pretend I'm 12 and I'm hanging out with Alberto Juan I was having play dates at 12 I'm hanging out with Morton Perez whose father at the time was a Batista's driver so when they came from Cuba they were basically hunting the Perez family down like people knew he lived there years later I went to school Martin Perez was not in school he had been taken out of school his parents had disappeared they went into witness protection that's how bad it was that a lot of people knew this guy was with Batista in Cuba and they

started hating them and they started hating on his son and shit like this this is at 12 you're aware of this stuff at 12 yeah that's big shit to be aware of at 12 you know you you just said that you know 12 most people play dates do you think that 12 30 40 years ago was different than 12 today Jesus by scary amount I think is it the same I think 12-year-old Joey could beat up like at most 25 12-year-old Joey could not beat up a soul 12 year-old Joey was very shy and scared in those yeah of course I remember 12-year-old Martin but I'll tell you what I was I was slick as fuck I was smart as fuck yeah you must

oh yeah yeah mm-hmm I know how to put two into together yeah my mother's bar I knew what a person was like I knew the fuck to stay away I knew shit from my grandma my grandma told me shit I knew shit that you know like I said I was raised in a certain number but the question that bothers me still is how much I want my daughter to be raised at 12 12 wanted to be exposed the same thing I was exposed to the only person who's an exposure that stuff is me by talking to her about it that's and explained her about what type of people are out there to the top absolutely and hopefully half of it sinks in and half of

it doesn't dude I'm I'm that's that's exactly what's fucking like I think like your your daughter's how old now for she's for my granddaughter will be for in and I can't sleep in November she's gonna be for November sleeping about the future listen I'm like look we gotta stop telling them this is what I'm talking about on stage when I do my little unspoken word with the music and shit that's what I'm talking about how how do we keep treating our daughters different than our sons we expose our sons to a lot of information a lot of crazy shit that we want to shelter our daughters from 100% we're gonna protect

them from it and we're not gonna protect them from it we're just not gonna talk about it it's not gonna take away the fact that that shit's out there my team you know when your daughter know about that time in Tucson gang bang three chicks with alpha robust there's things that your kids need to know and there's kids that you things need to know maybe later as a joke at a dinner table and your daughter says daddy did you really do that honey I was a different whoa whoa whoa listen there's a lot of shit I want my daughter to understand but as she gets older and she's prepared to get that information you know I live in fear

she's gonna live in a YouTube era eventually she's gonna put two and two together I really want to understand the from her and I want to hide the acting from her until she really knows what's going on I never wanted to come home and say well my friends at school all actresses I want to be an actress I'll shoot myself just tell me you're bringing home a fucking ISIS for dinner it's the same damage you're doing to me but you can just do so much with your child there's no perfect parent no absolutely not it's you want to say it's a 50-50 toss up listen man I came from a house of love but it was too much

exposure too soon for the computer listen the computer the computer changed the game no no no for the computer oh I thought you I thought you're talking about like I don't believe you I believe that when you kids seven and you're rolling reefer in front of your child I'm not being judgmental I'm just giving you a butt wipe train of thought here you're all enjoying the funniest son and blower this you don't want men when you're seven your dad is your idol your dad is your hero your mom is your hero once they put two and two together like I did this is why I made these statements because I did mm-hmm once I put two

and two together those kids that I avoid at 13 I avoid them for so long until one day I go wait a second me and Lee are sitting at home watching a stupid fucking will found movie and all our other 13 year olds behind Nicky Swazel's second titties and fingering chicks to smoke on reefer maybe we should smoke pot what do you think Lee I don't know Joey can I pay you a secret I found I found about a year ago I went to my dad's room to get a check for school and I found the back of marijuana what'd you do with it nothing I didn't touch I didn't tell my mother and all of a sudden leaves my best friend on the way remember the smoke

spot I kind of smelt it one day Joey and you didn't say nothing to me Lee so guess what both of our heroes are compromised now now it leaves us a doubt where before we wouldn't have gotten high which I wouldn't ever Martin I saw in front of my eyes what was going on as a child in front of me I took a had marijuana and alcohol and something that also existed in front of me that I never really talked about not on my mother's angle my mother never did but I saw people around as the heroin so I saw all four of those and I agree that those are dangerous as fuck but again I would not put marijuana in the same

category as heroin or and in a lot of cases alcohol and a lot of cases the child's fucking you're still the child I don't know I'm not saying you should sit there and blow smoke and I'm not saying my perspective is you're the child's hero mm-hmm how many all heroes drink in front of their kid with no problem I thought I'm gonna tell you something don't come crying to me when your kid gets his day you are right don't come crying to me when your kid you know I'm saying because they're trying to emulate their parents listen as a child if I'm at Martin's house and Lee's there and Gabriel's there and Alfred Robins is there

and we're all 12 we're having to sleep I thought you know what we're having to sleep with them because all four or five of our parents are getting together to do drugs drink and God knows what else and party then Saturday they come back home and they take us home and they kind of hung over all day and we get to see it it kind of bothers us as kids we really wanted to do something on Saturday but they're kind of fucking hung over you know bro that sits with you for a while I don't want to ever even have a fucking cocktail in my house get in the family Martin also no no no no no no no I'm gonna give it to my daughter as the

time comes but again I really believe that if you see your hero doing some more than likely you're gonna fucking do it okay that's your fucking hero that's your first hero everybody sitting at this fucking table our first hero was either a mother or a fucking father okay and some of us could handle the drug use and some of us could handle their shortcomings but some of us couldn't and I gotta be honest with you I didn't mind that my mom smoked my mom my mind that my mom drank and my mom thank God I didn't take that shit from her yeah thank God she was one of those fucking idiots that would drink at nine in the

morning a Heineken with tomato juice and you know my mom was one of those people because my mom owned the bar my mom knew one thing if you're an owner or you're behind that bar if you use the cell drinks you gotta drink right for me to effectively sell drinks I gotta go to that door for door with Lee Lee wants to come down and drink dog Lee's not having a good day none of his fucking faggy friends from the movie theater want to drink with them but guess what if Lee's got a pocket full of money Uncle Gerald drink with a mortal fall in the morning and you got to have a cut off blouse that at least shows cleavage

that's how you get people fucking drinking you understand me and that's how you fill up that tip jar and if you're stupid boyfriend sits at the edge of the table and sits there all night you're not gonna have any fucking customers because the customers are the fucking drinks and the tits that's what attracts those fucking drinks to sit there like Humpstall fucking night my mom had a system even have bartenders no husband no boyfriend is allowed on the premises don't even have him come pick you up we'll pay for your cab we don't want nobody know you have a boyfriend you always been single take that wedding

band off take that ugly picture your fucking kid off your fucking neck you know my mom knew how to sell alcohol that was her job to sell alcohol my mom knew if you got four p I don't know one time and the services of performance that's right you go you see the bartenders do the thing they entertain you either now there's no performance I tell you a thousand times 20 years ago to fly in this country I gotta tell you something with the most confidence attitude I've ever fucking told you Lisa you know your Jewish little mind is gonna freak out I'm right if I tell you this 50 years ago 50 years ago 20 years

ago if you got on a plane and you were handsome you were dressed well and you drank and you knew how to mingle you had a 60% chance of picking up a check on the plane were people just walking around walking around walking around people would buy you drinks what are you guys drinking we give them three cocktails over there next you know excuse me for a second can we move our seats over here these are friends of ours you just met him at the airport you just met him online you just met him at the bar they told you they were going to fucking New York to and next year they've got three people six people together buying

drinks and drinking next you know another guy comes over you guys know anything about L.A. yeah man I used to live there where's the Sunset Strip oh shit it's a fucking party Jesus I got this coke in my pocket let's go to the bathroom do a couple blasts that's what flying was that's why with a mile high club thing began I can't tell you how many fun first class and all these levels were completely different a little before I started bringing the coke traveling coast to coast planes are all double deckers guys were there less seats first class was upstairs there was less

seats even coach you didn't sit like an animal half a coach was smoking cigarettes so the people that were smoking in the back they all knew their sabbages hey let me get a cigarette all right oh where you from I'm from Connecticut I'm from fucking make sure oh shit let's have a whiskey that's what I brought one time I was on a plane and I was headed I was moving to Colorado Springs in my mind it was over I moved to Colorado Springs and I got in that fucking people's express was an airline for people who partied and did blow people's express was probably but I'd love to do a documentary on people's express and see

who really owned it had to be cocaine people because their first flights were the fuck they only went from New York to England New York to LA and New York to Miami but the secret about Miami was they flew to LA five times a day no reservations they left at four you had to be at the airport at two what time frame was this what I mean years yeah 83 to about 89 Wow I think I sank them in like 86 because you could pay on the plane are you with me yeah see we could get in line like so they flew out of Newark so you went to Newark oh my god online and sometimes you were lucky sometimes I go fucking take me back I'll

come back tomorrow I'll come back you yell you yell how long you've been on life for a day fucking because it was cheap it was $99 $69 from fucking Newark to Los Angeles but it was $3 for a can of soda $5 for a veggie tray wow $3 for a pillow $2 for a blanket you know they didn't charge for luggage but they did something else that pissed you off so fucking crazy so what you did was you ran up a tab on the plane and 40 minutes before you land the woman would come to you with the old credit card things not even the computer you give it whatever wow then ask you for ID that's the last thing they want it was ID that's the

last thing they want it was ID they would know you were a fake till you landed with 20 miles on the other direction that's when they would run and go this guy's a fake this credit card stolen oh we were fucked them we were fucking them up but he was the beauty that's not even the beauty no here's the beauty of it how to justify the statement I made the fucking martin the justifying statement I made the martin I gotta tell you why it's made the statement because right about the time Miami Vice came out just go to people's Express history of people's Express people's Express got very popular in

1983 because in 1983 they left Newark New Jersey on the hour every hour guess to where Miami here's the beauty of it from 8 in the morning to midnight it was $69 and from midnight to 8 in the morning it was like $29 wow so that meant me you and Lee could be at a fucking bar when people's Express was launched April of 98 right April of 81 what I tell you I was killing them there you go look at that man 1983 people's Express began flights non-stop Newark to London brand blah blah blah Jacksonville Cleveland in the mouth those who went to ones I was killing them on

yeah then they died they fucking went under when did they go under let's see here well they were still up in 86 I think 86 me yeah that's when I think they're she's 87 yeah well what the fuck did they get dealing with oh my god I used to kill these motherfuckers up to 85 I'm not gonna lie to you you're how much older are you than I then I killed in 85 I was 22 years old okay and I was living in North Bergen from from February of 83 to January of 85 where Linda North Bergen and since I was Cuban and I knew people in Miami that relatives down there I became Johnny on the spot for a lot of people that would

never come back with their money I was I was 17 this shit was going on this shit was on fire so now you and I could be snorting coke right like I would bump into you at 8 o'clock on a Friday night after Miami Vice right don't even worry about that I would hook up with you on a Friday about 10 30 after Miami Vice we go have a few drinks we pick up a package at the bar and also we get the chitchat one thing leaves so now you know what I got this fucking Cuban girl I'm dating in Miami I really like to go see you can you get a package in Miami Martin fuck yeah brothers a dealer last time I went down they gave me an ounce of

$55 and 25 cents well what the fuck are we doing here we were just getting the car and drive to Newark airport no luggage that's a type of savage how was that no luggage we'll worry about luggage when we get there we get the people's express wait half hour boom if you didn't get on this flight you're on the next one but it didn't matter because we have a ball of coke we're snorting coke we're at the bar dog we're having a good time no matter what you get to that bar all those people at that bar we're also snorting coke and we're also waiting to go to Miami to do the same shit we were doing Martin it was

surreal never did I see a cop back there people going to the bathroom it was like everybody on that plane was coked up I mean shit was blowing up back so and out of Miami they were one an hour too but out of Miami they were bulldogs and those days that by 83 in Miami by 84 you couldn't fly to Miami already they had a lockdown they would pull you over for no reason I think I dumped coke one time in Miami I dumped 20 ounces one time and then went back like an hour late and took it out of the fucking garbage but she had the fat in Miami didn't it wasn't like shit getting blown off and explosions here and there and people

getting blasted I don't remember at that time everybody was trying to become a millionaire everybody knew that an ounce of cocaine in New York was 18,000 $1800 but if you flew down to Miami you get that same cocaine $300 there's not a fucking human being that's not doing bad than that and guess what 60% of those people got robbed at gunpoint wow 20% of those people got sold shit how are you gonna get it back up to New York though just fly with it go right but you got to figure out a mule you gotta get a mule in those days you gotta put a guy in the train with a guy behind them and another guy behind them you know and that was I

think I'd pay a thousand dollars to hide me and a buddy figured out how to go on a plane with four ounces I could take you know because in those days I was getting them in a fucking jewelry box so the guy would prepackage them in a jewelry box so I'd put them in my luggage and hide them really good that should get scary I like traveling with the coke on me so I could watch that fucking motherfucking you know I'm saying you responsible for that thing you got to travel with it I don't know how many fucking times I travel would blow on me and on the plane I couldn't resist it dog I'd start snorting on that plane and

then I'd land and I'd be fucking hammered but in those days like I'm telling you guys 60% of that plane was drunk I can imagine this being an episode I'm blocked up abroad they don't know seriously like this is let me explain some to you domestically you know everybody wants you to feel bad for these people that get arrested in these other country and try to be cute I have zero fucking sympathy for you my friend oh yeah that's why I tell people all the time bro before you go there both a lot be like both a lot be like because you're on track you don't know where you're going you don't know what they do what

you get smacked in the wrist here for could be over there could be murder you not gonna need tours to North Korea yeah no no no I might my business listen I don't have a passport but in reality I maybe don't want when you ever think of that oh no you gotta behave you gotta behave you gotta fuck you don't pull that I'm in America we were scaring this shit out of me when I already said he was going to all those countries bro I gotta tell you something for the first two weeks I really worried about cuz I know he's crazy we'll take his shirt off for someone there's a white dude you can tell he's Jewish I don't remember if he

had a mohawk or not at the time you know he's in Cambodia that scares the shit that petrifies a dude like me though look at this fucking white kid that went to fucking Korea North Korea which it should have been shot on and his parents should have bit slapped him I believe if your kid comes home with some stupid ideas you grab him by the neck and go listen before you know about the report of that white kid that just died yeah they just died they just started yeah yeah yeah yeah but they shot him with like fucking Benzo or something to keep my life for 24 fucking hours just to get him here when he got off the plane you

could tell there was something wrong with him he was in a coma for a little year he was in a coma yeah yeah he was fucked up boy let's see now what did he do to piss them off he ripped the poster off a wall he ripped off he wanted the poster as a souvenir or something or was he protesting no no no well who knows I don't know what the reason was for taking down the poster or just don't touch the fucking poster yeah listen my new business go to Puerto Rico my new business go to Puerto Rico we got about those people I want to go to Cuba bro no go to Cuba I don't want to go to Cuba

don't fuck around though don't fuck around why fuck around down there smoke weed I did that shit I would not do that's why I couldn't go to Cuba for 10 days because there's no way I'm gonna give a weed for 10 days there's no weed over there there's weed over there there's weed everywhere there's weed everywhere but especially now are you fucking kidding me but I mean do they I mean is it like are the laws like super crazy I don't know I have no fucking idea but I know there's weed there it's not fucking Sunset Herbal it's not fucking Sunset Herbal they have V-Strain yeah it's not Sunset Herbal it's still that

yeah they got some weed that looks like weed that they grow on the island they try their best like they do everything you see what they do with cars there's still reviving 57s out there fuck yeah little Tony better for you motherfuckers here to let you know we're still in the game cocksuckers somebody who will swear to be true 2250 as you used to do okay I do you're such a fucking little kid I'm trying to take you to the river I'm trying to give you a fucking education you just go backwards after two days it's funny because you and I were very fortunate in our careers we had a very

good mentor you know having a good mentor with what you have going on and you see how other people act at that level it's funny somebody was telling me today they don't like how the comedy stories booked anymore because Mitch he would book it older guys and then a lot of younger guys and then you know and Mitch he wanted the younger guys to learn from the older guys well you're not gonna really learn from somebody when you work with them at the condo store you don't learn tricks and whatever those type of tricks but you're really not gonna learn how to be a comedian you and I learned from two

great comics we worked with we opened up for them all those years you know I'm saying and as everything moves forward in life good comics like yourself and myself we just naturally branch out you know I'm saying are you that fucking stone why are you looking at me like I don't know because I'm you're looking at you you you you seriously like you're somebody that I come I respect your opinion right now I've seen a man on fire uh-huh well he's got the Mexican do with the glasses in the car and he's about to cut his fingers no I'm listening to you talking and I'm like and I'm really in you know you you

learned that you worked with Gabriel in the last couple years ten years I worked with Joe for fucking ten years on the road you know how many weekends here and there and you learn you learn the character of a comic you learn the evolution of a comic you learn how the first year of his jumping up and down and everybody's drinking and now it gets a little calmer but it's crazier in another department you know I'm saying and how tours change because it's never really a tour it was an endless tour yeah it was the never ending tour the name would change but it was it was it was like a like a like a 20 year journey like

I don't mean not quite 20 but I mean Gabriel he just was celebrated a 20 yeah dude 20 years of his career and a lot of it was spent you know I'm you know I shoot I was fortunate enough to see a big portion of it you know from a very early phase you know I mean he he just I mean he blew up in front of in front of us really you know we saw him go to another level from you know zero to a billion the bicycle club on third on Tuesday nights 35 hours you're gonna pick it up on Friday between four and six that's when I want to go to the fucking 710 between four and six on a Friday those cock suckers so it was

crazy that we got to see the hotels how they changed yeah how it went from plane to buses to your own personal bus to maybe a private jet to maybe you know from it wasn't Delaware no more Philadelphia now you're going to fucking Europe and Germany no seriously one from Southwest Airlines to to fucking private jets private jets yeah and and sometimes not even Southwest Airlines sometimes driving in a car you know four people deep if it's to Arizona or fucking that's right you know or to or to you know Bakersfield San Francisco San Jose you guys always take like a yeah we did we drove we drove we we it

wasn't always private plane and in retrospect I look at it yeah and it was very much kennis-ish without even seeming kennis you guys were all good friends nobody was really going off to deep end with cocaine or you know shooting heroin with hookers or missing radio but he's very professional it was it was it was magic but it was a different type of magic it was a different type of magic absolutely I got to see it a few times yeah and I could feel the love in the room you know yeah after the fucking thing Gabriel go eat and 30 people you know I'm saying everybody's eating like a fucking king and people ask

them for pictures I mean it's a surreal world it really was it really was to be and to be a part of that world and and be and and taste it you know and at whatever level it is you know there's people that have come in and you know done that Gabriel's brought out on the road for some for certain gigs that see the the magnitude because people if unless you see it it's really hard to know it you can't describe it without sounding kind of like almost like you're boasting or bragging or something but it's like I've seen people like look at look at like I've seen dude I've seen families that'll say things like you

know we just buried our such-and-such relative who was a huge fan and we actually had his picture of you it was like a shrine to him that they buried this man with you know and then they all like and then they go to this place to eat out in the middle of Texas and San Antonio I think we were and they run into Gabe right after like legit they're there for dinner after they just buried this kid you know and they see Gabe and and it might have been it's it was almost like if you know like if Jesus would have walked in back in the day the way these people were looking at them. I know I forgot to see how a really good

comic acts yeah how a really good comic just the composure you know I got to learn a lot from Joe Rogan guys a lot on the road opening for him you know I added some things I would say listen why are we doing this why we're leaving at one and rocking the whole day let's put this together and eat and get the fuck out of here early you know like I would add some stuff and it all worked and today that's what the system I use today I use the same fucking system every week I was never a Gabriel's guy I really like traveling alone most of the time to be honest with you I think it's a big responsibility I like what Gabriel was

doing yeah but it was weird because nobody was looking at it I saw you guys somewhere I think it was an Irvine with Felicia and I go you know what nobody has mentioned about this that this has a kinesin vibe with like Gabriel would do you know you it would it would take you 40 minutes to you got to see Gabriel and there was four guys doing 10 minutes a piece for them with different fucking views it was interesting you know and then somebody was talking to me somebody from the church recently about nothing maybe in Utah they asked me if I had seen Gabriel's move or they went to see Gabriel he had a halftime during the show

yeah and her mission was it was fucking amazing it was just it was an event it isn't that it still isn't event I mean I shouldn't say it wasn't even it still isn't about so you get to learn yeah you see it becomes it becomes you know I mean it when you went to one of the concerts it was that it was a concert it was really a fucking it wasn't a stand-up shows a legit concert when you go home and you scratch your head you're like I gotta reevaluate what the fuck I'm doing because that was magical it was magical and I said those are the words that I've used to describe it to Gabriel but we've seen a lot of magic

magic a lot of magical but the beauty of it is bro that one day you say you don't want I don't even want what Gabriel has I don't even want what Joe Rogan has it's a lot of responsibility I just want to go out into my own thing I've been in this town long enough I want a headline I got the chops I've got the credits and that's what you're doing right now you're in the process of you were telling me you're doing like an unspoken fucking oh it's fucking crazy right now let me just add to this because this to me is one of the most if I got a cop if I got it I think one time you were on the podcast and I touched on

it but if I have to go through the top ten nights I've had in my 20 years in Los Angeles you know when we first get into comedy we're very fortunate nobody calls me for those anymore not that I'd want to do them because you're busy you're doing the podcast but there was a time where you would get your phone ring every fucking day that somebody would have a bar and somewhere yeah we're doing comedy that night and you would get 30 bucks and a meal yeah sturdy bucks on a knee on a couple of drink tickets let me ask you something can you get me out of there by 945 because I got to be at the comedy store by 1030 tell me the truth

don't bullshit me dog is there a dodger game fucking tell me the truth I'm saying cuz I got other spots and it was and you went down there you got to see different comics and I don't have that in my life no more like that that's gone but there was a time with Marilyn and Marilyn would call me twice a week Marilyn was the king of the hustle say whatever you want about Marilyn God rest his soul she would call me a good jolly Marty Moreno's booking a room and whatever he wants to know if you'll take 20 minutes day of a drive those are the fun fucking days

can I can I tell you that that I you know you meet a lot of people you meet a lot of fucking people and you know out of a lot out of a lot of people that I know no one reaches out as consistently to say hey how are you I fucking love you like you know we don't hang out all the time we don't hang out we see each other rarely you know but but I dude you we you check in and and you actually genuinely you've always have since I met you you've you've never stopped checking and saying hey I'm just checking to see how you're doing there's not too many genuine you people you know and not and but but Marilyn would do the

same thing yeah you have to check this is my family dude and it was it was all about like this is part of it you know I always felt like fuck you guys you guys what a real deal real mother yeah yeah but it's funny I go to this fucking bar I had met you maybe twice or three times before this and we're doing the show I'm a blast I think Marilyn's up before me you're on stage and all of a sudden there's a commotion I don't know what the fuck it is and I go Marilyn what's going on she goes oh my god Martin is going outside to fight this guy I go what are you talking about he was just on stage and he goes he's going outside

because I guess he said something about the president the guys that sold you or something fucking crazy and they got to pull up politics then like 10 minutes later it was the next comic you were hosting you went up there your shirt was torn a little bit he had a couple smacks in his mouth and you went back on stage and did the comedy and now you were friends like you bought him a shot something weird had happened Martina it was it was it was just a fucking like you just you reason with somebody you know when you just like tell somebody like you know when you get to that point where you can't just fucking like look

you fuck you know it doesn't get more basic than this when you take it to that level with somebody no but you you came back in like a gentleman you're always in my I just know he just got through a first fucking crazy this is right now what was it all hammer that was that was Rick Ramos's room in our home bro you bar yeah it was Rick Ramos's room in our house had to be Maryland's 10 years this November Wow so this had to be what 15 years wow 15 years ago put it at 2002 lock yes yes that's why I fell in love with you when you went you threw a couple punches you came back on like a

gentleman when I left you guys were having a beer everybody was happy somebody was missing the tooth but it didn't matter it all happened for the names like a comedy but now you're out there and I see you little fucking Facebook videos and you're a Mexican restaurant the hood in Chicago and I admire that you know out there you get the opportunity to do this you know until Fluffy starts his next tool and whatever it feels great for you I'm happy you're doing this you have a website and shit yeah as your dates what's that you have a website which has all your yeah yeah actually my dates on event bright right now event

bright yep and Martin Moreno and what's event and what gigs do you have coming shit bro this fucking right now yeah this Friday the 7th Magicopolis is a freaking theater in Santa Monica dog right around the corner from the promenade okay it's a so it's a it's a pretty cool ass theater they do this they do magic and shit but fucking it's a it's fucking sick bro it's perfect for what the fuck I'm doing this dog John must have been there for all those oh dude for listen let me tell you so do I want another star yeah you know what there's no way in fuck like when you call yourself a savage there's a lot of people

that say fucking savage and they just throw that shit out there you motherfuckers are savages you really to know fuck that like let's go I could ever try to keep up with the national anthem it's fucking I'm in here trying to fucking focus like fucking focus listen you fly crackers no you're a firecrackers you're not gonna eat two fucking stars look at this we got a bad fucking finish this out Lee yes we do this will do me and you like fucking gentlemen finish out what's in his bag no no then do what we'll do come here no don't tell me fucking no that's so I'm gonna tie you up and I'll leave you in here for three days how much is

this one I want to know for you okay I'll give you two in my life okay good thank you you're gonna eat a half of 125 what are we doing I'm not no we had 252 how are you working here hi was was your high your high was 3,000 okay so wait I'm only so that would only put me at 3% no yeah so what percent is that Lee hold on let me figure out man okay okay so I'll do I'll do one more red star how about that there's no listen what's it let me ask a question what's the difference between a red star but can I just do one more one more ready yeah one more purple yeah promise there's only a couple yeah listen this

there's four let's do to a piece you see what happens he this is like the guy look the fair but look at this look we're done for the week no we're not we have plenty more stars look bro what I lie to you what are you talking about you're just a one these are 125s this is for a different mission we use it you know we can't we have to eat 22 125 just to get the party stuff did you guys are like Rick and Morty bro we got we got two little stars here then you're gonna see animals at the fucking at the at the whatever of the zoo no you're the place but store the pound yeah so yeah tell me about these little stars oh

shit just looking at you look at their eyeballs they started with like 20 friends and they all got picked you're gonna walk by these little fucking look how they're looking at you they're crying I'll do one dude we're all see you know please please you're not gonna eat two of them those two came together you know how we do it here what's to before in 2250 is what I don't want to 2650 dude that's crazy what would you do what would you do 2450 all right there you go thank you go to go to town I want to watch you cock suck I don't trust you put the national anthem wow let's go what's the problem man listen to

slap there you go there you go oh shit it's time cock suckers it's over it's over we eat that last fucking star like this like a soldier that's it do you understand that my 125 is just kicking in hard as fuck that shit came in like a swamp like a fucking wave let me tell you something that 200 that's in the bottom of the bag it's filled with 10 turn that off that's not the one I'm looking there's no way I could keep up with you fuckers there's no way I could even dream of it I don't want anybody ever come on the show and think for one second yeah that they have to keep up okay we just want you to come on the show

good have a good time get stone to the girls get some water that's it do a bond to the two music and how long have you been an Iron Maiden fan for oh my god bro since I was in freaking high school and I and let me tell you you came off with 666 the power of the beast oh I was already in you already know one before that run to the hills fuck first Bruce Dexon I was with them was run to the hills right the video with the Indians is shit that's when they played with Saxon at the fucking in Long Beach arena what's about a leak is that what I sure was because if that's

when it was and that's it's got no no no no no yeah but yeah I don't know when Paul Viano left I made by that time yeah did he leave or did Dickinson take it away from him I don't know Papa I think what the at that time the other number there was a different time yeah at that time we had cream magazine yeah and something else I saw your circus magazine like there was just fucking badass some hit parader well I was part of the church family yeah found it out of fucking that's what we had yeah you have the internet yeah you go on Reddit and find like a chat room and some you'll tell you what really happened is what I heard

I work at the music store and when he comes in to buy guitars and he left the band he's starting his new fucking band now you know you got all this info available to you when I was a kid I had no info available to you right somebody leaves a band somebody leaves a band why who the fuck knows who the fuck want to interview blacks out you think Barbara Walters wanted to have black Sabbath dude like I got five I got introduced I got introduced to metal and early in the early 80s and in high school and you know before that all I knew was like top 40 and my mom's fucking Spanish music so metal was like a fucking like a

culture so it like I started getting it in small dosages and before I knew it I was just like fucking I look this is the shit that I like I enjoy listening to the shit you know like you're full fucking metal Mexican dude that there's a lot of Mexican metal guy oh my god there's a lot of Mexican metal guy they're fucking into it they get the shirts they really fucking go yeah they love that shit and they don't care as long as it's a band that they remember that reminds them of the time when everything was fucking just like you know what yeah this was cool that I want more of this how many people at the show there had

it been close to 30,000 how much were the tickets fuck I think you'd like fucking I have no idea to be honest though I was invited a friend of mine hit me up freaking Richard Hayes Bros. guy he's the dude I get furniture from this guy who hooks me up with fucking furniture this fucking boy he doesn't hook me up with furniture but like when I want shit like he made me an orange fucking couch bro a giant orange couch like the vibe you have in here I fucking love it this is like semi what my this is what my home looks like this noise is awesome like I like this vibe I like the feeling of this is like orange

I love them what kind of material is it it's fucking like it just like a regular couch like a like a big old big old futon without not futon like a like a big old couch like a sectional with fucking the Ottomans and shit okay but it's like a giant big orange one and that's what I want and we don't feel good that couch is nice yeah I fucking clean those that had sex on it at least the only one that possibly possibly gonna fart on it but besides that no that definitely farted on that couch is a virgin great thank you that's a that's a that's a very that's very generous of you appreciate this would be

a nice spot if you were a single guy and you go flip it and keep your shit low yeah not bring no this is a nice you know I'm gonna be in a kid thinking I can't wait to be older yeah I'm gonna get like a shitty apartment like Charles Bronson yeah wish not even death wish there was a movie yeah or in death wish he had an apartment and that's where he stored his guns and his suits and shit they would kill people and I always wanted that same little apartment that I can't wait to live like Charles Bronson I think about that shit now dying alone fuck you nobody wants to die alone you gotta get a girlfriend Jack

fuck that died alone shit that was great in the 70s yeah no you you said you're a family man it's hard to even believe we went to San Francisco for a few days to hook up with her godfather and my godfather's daughter who they love each other I mean they've known each other for like two years since mercy was a baby mercy calls our big sister mm-hmm she calls our little sister in California you know dog do you think I want to fucking go to San Francisco walk around fishman's wharf every time I think about fisherman's wharf I think by 1984 I had two I had two hot spots for travelers checks in

those days Japanese and fisherman's wharf if you went to any of those stores on fisherman's wharf when they're stoned when they're fucking flabbergasted I really ask you Friday and if you use your credit card it's in the 50 bucks never gonna ask you Friday they're they even gonna call they're they're gonna run it they're gonna put it in that machine and go ch ch ch ch so I would alternate between those that day those yes so let's pretend you came to me on this line so listen come here for a second there's a lady over there this is how it was this is how it was there's a lady over there she'll take your conch

I'll show you whatever you got a coloring on 30% okay and you go and get 10 fucking lamps she wouldn't give a fuck but then you had a cell you know I'm saying like yeah whatever you clipped in those days you had to be able to sell look at look at this poor bastard did you eat another star no way I ate that one but my water got fucked up those were my two spots it was high-volume if they ever asked for your idea what you just say I answered my rental car Jesus Christ hold on let me see if I can see my way let me get that back down I wouldn't go in there dressed like Joe Bum I would go in that dress

like Don Johnson in that thing I used to have a white shirt I would have a gold chain my hair would be comb I would have a jacket I'd have shoes and a pair of pants and sometimes I have a briefcase that's how deep my Jimmy went but I'm those some days I just go I'd have $10,000 in travelers checks and I gotta make a living I got 10 bucks on my pocket so I would go into a place by the 80 give them 100 and they would give me like change back or whatever the fuck it is I would spend like 60 and they were given $250 travelers checks and they give me 40 back you know shit like that you just maneuvered it like you knew how

to I forget all the math in those days how to get the most for your money again dead be people that come to you and say look I show cash 10 of those things but she wants three of them for her and then could you return that stuff later for cash yeah so you had to have so I don't come to you like let's say there was somebody who made pictures and you wanted those pictures for your bar and they were $500 new I would go over there and get you the pictures out to you for two I don't give a fuck I have no fucking cost my cost is zero if I go over to get you three of those pictures what do I make later make six bills that's a

deal to a guy like you because they were gonna cost you 500 I should really be charging you 250 but I like you cock sucker just give me two and I'll get you three of these so yeah so I would go to Fisherman's Wharf in those days and just cash in fucking credit cards cash and travelers checks and now you're walking around it was crazy because I never went back there again oh I left there in 85 the cops are looking for me and that was the end of that nothing was ever heard about San Francisco again I left some jewelry pawned in a pawn shop and my ex-wife flew back one day a one-day trip from Denver nobody knew she

looked at six in the morning she was back at like three in the afternoon and she wouldn't got all our jewelry and shit out of that a pawn on a hawk but that was it I never went back to San Francisco and then like in 2000 I did cops was broken and I and that's what we used to do Thursday night and Friday he did radio and I found the cab and I took a cab to the tenderloin I hadn't been the tenderloin dog and fucking just the cops were looking for me and I fucking had them drop me off and I walked around those streets and I remember seeing the cafe and I went in there and had breakfast and while I was eating all the

memories of me walking those streets I mean wow I was a fucking kid when I was 21 I thought I was the king of the world at that time I thought I had all the answers I was pretty street smart I will tell you that by that time by the time I got to San Francisco I was fucking tremendous I knew credit cards I knew street I don't drug I knew everything and I knew weapons by the time I got to San Francisco I knew a little bit about weapons so I was I was telling somebody I was a bodyguard phone boo I wrote for this dude I ended up robbing in San Francisco I mean you're looking at me right now the comedian your days your

buddy of 15 years and I'm telling you that I was 21 maybe 22 I was a body my mother always told me about boo I don't want to go I don't get a bit of a pink a cooler we say that to different customers and shit like that a boo got wrong was a dude who went to prison in Cuba that wasn't gay but he would fuck gay guys and let them suck his dick he was like the dick so there was a name for that boo got wrong boo got wrong this guy was a boo got wrong drug dealer he had a wife and a kid what would they say if you called them gay he would knock you to fuck out because he wasn't gay not by no means he was macho

he was like the most interesting man in the world and he would walk into the room with these two guys that was dressed up as women with like mustaches like a shadow you know saying like and a wig and made up in person like these guys weren't gendered they didn't do the operation they still had dicks and she just dust apart yeah they just were women they were prison hose they were gay men that went to Cuban prisons or prisons here and they were hot they got them bro you saw them unless you look closely at wait wait wait wait wait and sometimes you don't know fuck it they came out of prison you know and we're

like well so sometimes you go to prison gay yeah okay that's what I guess so Joey Diaz finds out okay you're his cellmate Joey Diaz finds out you're gay and one night after about a month he wakes you up in the middle of the night he goes hey Lee don't leave me here suck my dick I can't I can't same thing as anything else on life you gotta work it the same way you know say you start sucking my dick I start fucking you the ass I mean this is crazy it's crazy it's fucking crazy but it I mean but all of a sudden after three months I go Lee you know what I've been looking at you you once told me you felt like a woman correct

yes I do tomorrow I want you to order a wig I want you to take those prison pants and call it the hot pants and tighten more around your ass I want you to get a bra and fill them up see it looks like you have Teddy's dog oh be sexy it's full blue you have no idea these two are full blast hot as shit but he at night he would go home back to his family but in the daytime they worked this like body not really bodyguards but they stood next to him they passed the drugs along to people if you owe them money you gave them the money you know

big Cuban production you know I'm saying big I'm a gangster production slinging fucking dirty dollar bags that a fuck it doesn't sound like they tried to hide it at all no no no it's slinging dirty dollar bags on the tenderloin from fucking 11 to 8 o'clock at night like any other mom respectful business but I was no no but like I said it's so natural like but no one day I'm friends with this kid Bamboo see who I used to hustle with Cuban kid and one day he goes dog tomorrow I gotta do something are you busy like oh no he goes do you have a gun I go yeah he goes can you bodyguard this guy the

morning goes a piece of cake is three allows and you stand the corner and you make sure nothing fucking happens to him that's it nobody you three hellos at the end of them I'm a young fucking kid dog 300 bucks for your life there was no life I got a gun I got a gun I got extra bullets I got a clip and you're invincible and I'm invincible in my mind I'm 22 I got no family I got no mother my mother's dead when I give a fuck it I'll be his fucking bodyguard the first day do I get a my mother will always say that word to me to the more wrong they kept me got the boss out all these things let that first day it all comes to

me I get there I introduce myself he's a CCO that we talk about he I've seen in the neighborhood but an hour later fucking the Supremes come down they're both Cuban chicks they guys but they're dressed up as what the Supremes they come out and they're hanging out like Farrah for sitting the fucking Charlie's angels minus one right like they're really women dog like they're pushing it and guys are walking by they look at them and everyone someone he would go what the fuck are you looking at to like the women what do you look at that info the fuck they met a guy that I saw Sarah came in and the gay guy with

squint oh they met a guy that means I'll smack you I swear to God and the gay guy with the next night he said to that night he goes listen can you do it again tomorrow even in bamboo she comes out one extra help around here we're getting too many cops I want you to keep your eyes open I go sure I came back the next day the next day was completely different same thing it came out they come out like an hour later after they made out he sleeps somewhere else they hold the coke from upstairs they probably had another stash apartment at that time but they also had a hotel room and I and the Hilton up the corner from the

Tenderloin there which is still there I'm not sure if it's still a Hilton it's across from the hostel that I don't know what's the name of that old that old Farrah maybe it's wherever San Francisco hostel is right across the street from that caddy corner there's a Hilton there so he would get a room there he would have a room with the two gay guys on the Tenderloin and probably one of the gay guys had another apartment so it was two guys but they live in one and then have a stash room in one apartment this guy was bringing the coke in from Miami and when he would come in everybody would hop for him and he would sling his product

on the Tenderloin there was two blocks there where he just slung product some people came for 20s some people came for 60s some people came for half a kilo and it was right upstairs and they would go up and get the batch when he wanted something that was big that he didn't have close by them he would hide shit in a bumper like he would hide his 50s and 20s and bumpers of cars and when you drove up the chick would take our 50 out of the bumper and throw it on the floor and you give him the money then he fucking hold on to the money after he had a certain amount the one gay guy with the wig would run upstairs with the money

and then come back down and that's how it worked so the second day on that and some guy talks to this fucking the one skinny gay guy with the wig right and the guy really thinks it's a woman and he's coming on to this guy is talking to the other thing with the wig and two guys not even about drugs they're just talking about human stupidity and he looks over and he goes oh yeah dad that I take I'm going deep with that means stop talking to this fucking guy in other words I'm on the fucking corner as a lookout mm-hmm next thing you know don't know what happens he just turns around and starts punching it just punch it and I

mean he had a head like four times she went down the floor he kicked her in the stomach a few times that was just life that was accept accepted in that lifestyle like he could beat them make him suck his dick upstairs beat that you know it was such a thing that I had I had kind of heard of but not really like I'd never even seen something like that at 20 years old 22 mm-hmm he would beat it right there on the street and nobody would say on the street in public on the street 50 people walking around the tenderloin he would smack him with open hands I had a lot of fucking walk up I was there for like maybe two or three

other days not to be insensitive but what do you think they would have said something if it was a girl or was it that kind of place that they wouldn't say anything anyways like it was a natural born girl exactly I don't think he would hit a woman we'll do but I'm just saying because of this situation so so it was more like a gay bashing type of a thing no this is like a prison thing like a prison thing this is how their lifestyle is uh-huh in prison these Cuban fucking dude gotcha gotcha gotcha gotcha that's the way it was back in the old country yeah well in prison there's no fucking rules yeah yeah dude yeah you fucking

yeah prisons are no I was in shock the first time then the second time he beat the other one up he punched her that time oh my god kicked her a couple times on the floor she was bleeding he told her to go upstairs and clean up what she's saying the fucking don't fucking have a fucking look at me and talk to me like that again that I told her either that means I'll break your fucking life in half she went upstairs came back tip top my goo with makeup on like nothing happened wow coming up to black eye and that's the fucking lifestyle that they could beat him hey listen there's a website called Christian domestic

discipline you know what this is not listen this is where these dudes are fucking dude I swear to God these motherfuckers are just fine it with the Bible they're saying hey you fucked up I won't beat the shit out of you fucking I decide when you fuck up but it's like an agreement between them and this freaking like dude I was in googling spanking fucking like old school 70 spanking and shit wait but doing kids or adults no no no these are adults but the dudes are like like say that say you have a wife right right like if you're under this freaking like think the Bible says that you're the man you're in

charge or in control if she if she fucks up at your discretion you just say hey fucking you fucked up she goes she prays she reflects and then you come in punish her with the spanking and shit sure oh no there's people that and there's like testimonies on there from these people you know I don't think there's a lot of Mexican women doing this what's that at least not the kind of I'm telling you this is a Christian website I don't know about who else is in there and you're not unless you're faking it that you're a Christian to join them but I'm pretty sure that they'd be pretty selective there's also

fucking Christians that come up with a snake what's that they come up with a fucking snake and the snake blesses you yeah once a fucking year snake bites one of those fucking yeah they hold all this crazy poison of snakes religion is what you want to fucking believe hold on to that though let me give some shout out say you got it religion is what the fuck you want to believe if you want to believe that somebody beating you to death is what religion is all about be my fucking guest what are you talking about listen what are you talking about what are you saying jean Castro jeano Castro Joe Dominguez is Isaiah Saunders

Cosmere boomer what are you kidding me or what Mickey Miller Jeep Jim Nanya Donnie Voltron from 144th and fucking Lebanon Street Suptin carpenter no Suptin Stupin Carpenter Juan Elvia and my main man Bill Dolan that's how we're fucking doing it tonight cocksuckers I know we're taking it to the we hours here it's always a pleasure to see my little brother like I said I judge people not really in a lot of crazy things but when you leave the States getting to an argument in a fistfight with somebody and you come back like that happens I'm in with you that means you're a real

comic and you're real gentlemen there's something about you I like and I was always friends with all those guys you know I love Alfred yeah Alfred was there when animals killed a certain individual and since that day he's become my friend the tour manager little Ivan I've always loved him I mean these guys you know you go back with them for so long you watch them grow yeah we watched these other grow I mean the time you came to me you said yeah you know we did me and Gabriel when we watched your movie and shit Brian most cried that day I got my car was like Jesus Christ why would somebody go see a fucking movie I was

saying and the one with the there oh yeah yeah fuck yeah anything that you do anything that you've done we're big fans we've grown together no dude like the respect that then as a matter of fact listen I just had dinner with Gabriel a couple of days ago and you know I he said make sure you I told him I was coming on and just to make sure you give joy tell him till joy said what's up yeah I'm thinking about it I love him I always hit him up from time to time on Twitter yeah I'm not looking for that I just let him know I'm thinking about you yeah and sometimes you need to say yeah that's it I want to investigate what

the fuck is going on I'm too old right I got enough on my plan I got time to worry about your fucking problems right what's going on with you my little brother Lisa yeah you're a soldier of death you know me dog right I don't put you nowhere where you don't fucking belong and you've been lurking with Uncle Joey for five years now you're gonna be promoted pretty soon the cop over Jim you know you gotta make new moves you know you're right there you been a fucking soldier you never late you're on time you know I can't get you too high because then you come up with stupid ideas but I gotta love you you

got a lot of heart for every eight ideas it gives me he's got one in a one in Academy Award hey you know it's too lazy to presume that's good man that's a that's a thinking guy right there that's that's awesome well see you go on on this little tour man I'm happy that you doing so so check this on joy I did I just did a show it's brand new I've got a musicians with me like I'm doing a whole different fucking I got a drummer and a guitar player you know how we're listening to Morrison earlier how sometimes Morrison is just talking and there's music that's the kind of shit I'm doing right now like I'm you know

because once we took this break and I started just meditating and reflecting and just thinking about so much shit that that's important that I've evolved into you know because we shit you think about the man you are today versus the man you were just ten years ago I mean that's a that's night and day our revolutions you know and so when once you start looking at shit in a in a fucking way where you know I think I just got to a point joy where everything all of a sudden just just like hit a place where fuck it you know like like I think it's it's time that like you just gotta like take the the blinders off and

say fuck it stop pretending about shit you know there's way too much shit that that that I feel I've been lied to as a human being you know and and that it's you know that there's expectations of what should happen you know there's there's these like if you're not married and have kids and buy a fucking house and get in debt you know you failed as a human you know and a lot of people's fucking eyes and that's bullshit there's a lot of people that find themselves as up in that position and are like what the fuck I followed the rules I did everything I was supposed to fucking do and and why am I not happy why do I

need fucking Xanax why I need this people aren't honest about what they want and who they like or what or what they want or what they want to do in life I think we've been brainwashed to follow a formula Joey the problem is Martin listen how long does it take to really realize what the fuck do you want to do as a human being move how a lifetime okay it takes it's a time this is the gift of life yes that every day you learn something a little more you get a little more patience yes and you fucking find a way to deal with stuff you know when you're 22 somebody gives you a finger you jump out of a car you throw a

bottle at them when you're 54 you go to Starbucks you got a flat white you need a pot cookie and you fucking go home and mind your business it's all comes through wisdom and shit like this you know it just you know I had to call on conversations about the tours with people mm-hmm like Joey we feel you should know no I can't this is what I could do the third week of me being on the road I'm gonna be faking the funk and people gonna know your phones and here I feel comfortable doing the road two weekends a month that's what I'm good for anything after that I'm just gonna be faking the funk I'm gonna be

thinking about my family why I did it two weeks a month is fine for Uncle Joey you know you could do it you could do brother I'd love to be able to be like Gabriel go out every week I can't no more I just can't do it it's it's and part of me doesn't want to do it it's a lot of work it's a grinds a lot of sacrifice and after a certain point it's the law of diminishing returns which I'm a very firm believer in the law of diminishing returns always comes back to collect so everything is you can't eat 22 fucking egg salad sandwiches a week but you can eat four because in those four days you're gonna work out do you

understand I mean it's the same thing for me on the road yeah I'd love to go on the road Thursday through Saturday small fucking theaters it's a lot of Twitter and a lot of Facebook and I'd have to get a publicist that's a ton of emails you know much I want emails I don't unless you got a bona fide fucking job for me once you start asking me creepy questions on email that's a new relationship goes to sour that's what it goes but see that's it's beautiful that you know exactly I know but what's even more important joy is that you you're at a at an age where you're mature enough to say that because you know when

you're young and and you know let's face it when Gabe blew up he was a 20 year old kid and then he went fucking full force for the last 20 fucking years so yeah that's you're gonna achieve a huge level of success and and he worked he worked his ass off for those 20 fucking years I got on stage the first time June of 1991 until this day the question that comes to my mind at least once a week is what made me go down there what made me pick that fate and then you gotta remember I fucked around for two years and after two years I said you know what this is what I'm gonna do this is how I'm gonna do it I'm going for

it and I went for it I sat tight in Colorado for 18 months it was going downhill and I said you know what I gotta go from my dream man you know what at that time I gotta lie to you my dream was just to survive just to survive get over this pain from this fucking divorce and do jokes on the stage and somebody will give me 75 hours a night are you fucking kidding me and nobody knows nothing I don't have to pay taxes on this I'm gonna do dick I'm just go and I got myself this little Nissan fucking this wasn't a Nissan a Datsun a Datsun my team right now and I fit everything I had that could be in the

car so I was never bored and if something ever happened that was always covered from a thing of water to a blanket to a frisbee to a football to a basketball to a pillow to an extra blanket to radiated repair to a spare tie to a spare spare spare tie to an air pump if something was gonna happen I was gonna be prepared I put a fucking pipe across the room so I could use it as a weapon also it's a hang on hang my clothes also as a cover if I wanted to sleep in my car in some hotel lot you know you're prepared to survive yeah no that's it I got that car and I had this weird dream that I was gonna do

movies because of my past and who I was and because of my character at the time that I would never be too good to do movies nothing like that that the only thing I could possibly do was stand up LA LA between you and I was never in my future plans when I got into comedy not by a long shot I thought I was gonna be a ham and egg through life and I was gonna be a ham and egg in comic when he uses that line in Rocky it kills my soul because that's what I thought I was as a comedian a ham and egg we know plenty of hammers and that's a great that's a horrible label to get put up but it's a true that's what you're a ham and egg

or dog you had a show you relied on it the show went under you went under you never let on a fan base you never relied on your people you know it just came to you because you were special it happens it happened this career and from that it teaches you how to do it again most people fail in this career as the you know for example I use them constantly Tom Rhodes and Margaret show and what's his name the kid who killed himself in the hotel room died God bless his soul charade with his name the Spanish kid from New York the freaking Freddie Prince no fuck Freddie Prince

draw the Spanish right yes they all had TV shows that were all plotted to see if the comic genre would work and when the numbers went out they pulled the fucking plug them off three of our shows because they were looking for the next Roxanne Roseanne they were looking for the next Tim Allen when the motto didn't fit they pulled the plug that those guys took that 60% of companies with tucked their tails between their legs moved back home done local comedy or done radio comedy and been terrified and furious in Hollywood I always give extra props to fucking Gerardo God rest his soul Margaret show and Tom Rhodes I've had

Tom Rhodes on his podcast various times and the respect I have for him is because of that because he took a defeat that between you and I has met Liam Tonya I don't think I can handle Wow if I had a TV show for three years after the first year your ego grows a little bit but it's not stirring because you just got a second year that don't mean dick once you get the third year you start talking shit dog you start looking at houses Wow you start looking at your wife and shit the same as this broke-ass bitch I had two kids with us and started to get a new one I'll keep her around to raise

the kids and I'll get myself a fresh freak put her up in a pad and get her a car nobody knows nothing you know I don't even know what my point is but there's Tom about Tom Rhodes to the money that has gone yeah but Tom kept doing comedy Margaret is better than ever Tom is better than ever when I really thought about quitting comedy six months I made a promise to myself that I was gonna go see every headliner in Irvine and just dress up and pay for the ticket not saying anything I would always go in once the show started by the time the feature act was getting off and I would sit there and I think I watched six

headliners in a week all different styles but one of the best guys I watched in those six weeks was Greg Haraldo I learned a lot from him it was a freaking genius it was very it was very great to watch so my point is that all that defeat shit is what you do with it you know I'm talking the first 10 years I was here Jesus Christ I heard more nose than fucking anything though I heard no for everything little festivals big festivals roles but then you just need learn to deal with the punches and you play the odds they can't say no forever can't say no forever I was going to these auditions and killed them years ago

one but they would say to me you know what we don't think he's experienced enough for that role that's a billion I'm going to these roles they're bad motherfucker I just you know what don't for you for listen Jeff Gellin signed me in the summer of 98 after I shot the pilot for CBS when the pilot didn't get picked up I was very fortunate Martin Moreno this is when if you were a stand up and you had one credit if they were looking for a role in a movie or a TV show you could talk a cast director in those days into looking at your three minute tape and reading a headshot deciding

and that dude water anyone I think of water please I can see Lisa over there fucking sweat but that dude Jeff Gellin with that little resume the pilot the Taco Bell commercial and baseball he got me out for so many things I wish I have never recovered those notebooks I recovered his notebooks from 2000 but the first year that I went out with Jeff Gellin and I got no reason to lie about this I'm not embarrassed because you guys don't know what it's like to go to this shit I felt in my heart I was a minor league dude at that time I've been doing comedy seven years I can headline a fucking sea room but I didn't really

have all the tools to be a headline I was just up there telling dirty jokes and shitty fucking comics giggle and told me I was funny but I didn't have it but I could act to be a good criminal you gotta act Queen Latif as a good fucking you know and that first from from 98 that I signed with Gellin to 99 and a half Martin yeah I got nothing guys I got nothing that he would send me out to read a four times a week I'm talking about fucking movies I'm talking about TV shows roles that you would I would look at today and go how the fuck did he get me out for that movies with Travolta movies with the first one

with Will Smith and the fucking guy the demarsion man black men and black the fries still remember going all the way to producers for one of the roles of men and black it was only two days on men and black he I was gonna get beat up or kick the hit with slime or some shit Rona Cress if you look at fucking just saying man and black man and black who casted her name is Rona Cress I'll never forget you know this you know how many times I went to that audition four fucking times so in those days I was going to first I would go to auditions for a year and a half and nothing happened guys nothing happened even said

to me Joey what the fuck is going on and I go I don't know Jeff Gellin I don't know what the fuck is going on and I said fuck it I bombed at the improv behind Nick the Apollo and Doug Statham and I said you know what I can't have this no more I gotta learn how to do comedy so I signed myself up for a triple one who is it Rona Cress the casting for men and black yeah it says David Rubin and Deborah Zane no it was Rona Cress or either look at men and black too maybe I'm wrong who the fuck knows I'll never forget Rona Cress was that Sony mm-hmm the back lot like you gotta go down now the front lot where

you go into like that like the back lot to be in the back lot of a motherfucker you gotta know people and shit you've been around for a long fucking time bro fuck yeah remember you gotta go back there they offered you water yeah and I read for men and black either the first one or the second one and I'll never forget that I was like holy shit this guy's got me going out yeah it was the second one the second one Rona Cress bro I went out for everything those days I would get a distance from him go Jeff this ain't me he would go go in there and read the fucking role knock him on their feet and then one day I started

heading one day I started heading I booked the show on NBC four episodes recurring the whole time my fucking hand was shaking when I booked it but she got mad at me because I told her they want to come in and read for this role and she goes why not go I'm not this guy she goes who do you know just read the role and she goes well I'm canceling your trip to New York coming back on Monday for producers and I went back Monday I got four episodes I swear to my mother's gray bro they said to me and this is a thing you don't want to go up for when they said to me hate your mark I didn't know what they were talking

about they kept saying sir hate your mark I'm like what are you saying like just hit your mark I'm like what are you talking about like sir step up to that line like I didn't know anything I didn't know about action or cut I knew nothing the wrenched those people were the nicest whoever those people were it was Sydney Portier's daughter and somebody else's kid and they were the nicest people in the fucking world to me I'll never ever ever ever forget them though because they love what you were doing I didn't even know what I was doing but that's a thing but that's a thing I didn't know what I was doing I was

shitting my fucking pants I was a fucking plumber who I was I was a plumber to the campus they were all lawyers and one day I go in the bathroom episode seven I go in the bathroom and I find 200 pounds of weed in the wall and I tell these law students and they take it this is my big break in acting this was it me and Jeff Getland want a role at that time I booked American gun with James Colburn I booked the show with all this I booked the fight they kept saying to me Joey Big Mafia things gonna happen I want you to take he was very smart he was I want you to take this movie so you have Mafia real I did

this movie called the mezzo's about two gay gangsters once I did that he took that real and we kept sending it to New York and we did analyze too it was all Jeff Gatlin dog he was a genius at that shit he knew exactly when people are before this shit started casting he'd have your tape out but for a year and a half I eat ass bro that's a lot of people don't know that I would have the notebooks and I'd be depressed like they would say the name of the project the casting director role what the character was the description how I was gonna read the scenes I and I have everything I wrote everything Martin everything but

you can't have it why are you doing buddy you look like I shot you at your look at you I'm doing good I'm out there but I'm good yeah like I said you guys are truly savages that's that's fucking awesome though this is what we do on a fucking show man what are your next couple dates you know any dates up front yep the 7th the 7th that the magic couple is homie in Santa Monica like I said it's a it's it's stand-up comedy but not really stand-up comedy Joey I don't want people to be misled because I've been doing comedy for years it's a lot of things it's a fucking fusion yeah you ain't doing nothing when they go

what's that when they go to that dude none what's the name of the website it's a vampire Martin Moreno my vampire Martin Moreno yeah and that's it go down there and go just go see it if I know anything about Martin Martin has grown a lot the last couple years and then I used to see him go up there and do jokes and you know with with Gabriel Fluffy's a very professional he wants clean from time to time if you give him a tequila he'll tell you to kick up the heat a little bit just so he can laugh a little bit to see expression on people's faces but you got to keep the show the certain thing now that Martin is doing his own

thing you know I know Martin a long time he's a very dirty dude he was the original organizer of what was the name of your company sushi production eating escape or something no no no no okay when you know where Cochino where you got married one time yeah we you paid me one time to do a show at the improv with your wife and you were studying that's right yeah yeah yeah Cochino that's right you had models Mexican models dude it was fucking crazy it wasn't he made me do comedy this this you forget you don't forget about this shit

like 12 fucking fucking 15 years this had to be and I remember going to you see no no no no this wasn't that was shit at least 10 years ago we would have deep conversations on stage yeah I'm getting married this poor fucking guy did a bug land on you don't wonder if it's leaking now good don't worry about yeah I got married for a while but I remember us having conversations like you like I think there's no one for me listen don't do it I'm in love you got married you had you start the t-shirt line sushi productions it's been a long road bro you were married you were squeezing the

models titties at the same time you know I was a line fuck I was cheating I was I did I've cheated my whole life and dude after a lot of fucking reflection and traveling and seeing the world that I live my life different I try not to bullshit about anything anymore Joey you know I'm my my goal is to fucking just fucking do comedy bro yeah it is it's funny life is funny I love doing what I do man yeah I love going to a town and doing five shows I feel so fortunate that people showing up to the shows I try to go up there with the best attitude the best I could get arrested you know I don't go up there with fucking notes and

well you know sometimes I do get high and I'm sorry but that's part of the fucking show that's part of the patois as they say Lee anyway Martin man I'm happy you came on thank you thank you so much for having me man I know it's a holiday fucking thing we wanted to put a podcast on on Monday morning just so you guys would have something maybe to have you drive to the fucking your little barbecue your little fucking maybe you're gonna see the will fire a movie text Lee later and have a safe for July listen don't think you're actually do me a favor people don't fucking forget this weekend

I'm in Vegas at the South Point Friday and Saturday 7 30 show you out of that by 9 you could go over to the MGM and still see Joe Rogan's 10 o'clock show Tony Inchcliffe will do a half hour Joe go up so if you get a second that's a combination you want doing you're gonna be in Vegas that's the way to go next weekend I'm at the fucking St. Louis helium next weekend back with the brothers and some white dudes and then two weeks after that I'm at the Bogota in Atlanta in a Saturday night one show Bing Bang Bloom Philadelphia don't sleep don't tell me I didn't tell you cock suckers anyway I want to thank

Martin Moreno no website no nothing Marty moreno.com didn't okay now we're talking thank God it took you two hours oh sorry tell me Evan Bright I don't know event Bright is where the ticket link is yeah Christ I know just go to your website yeah fuck Martin Moreno's about nice where he's been and what he's doing you'll recognize him from Gabriel's show on fucking Comedy Central and for many other things he's done beside that you know I love you motherfuckers with all my heart right well I'm gonna try to tell you about the best things going on that's why I talk to you about it that's the real reason I talk to you about it

you think I blow smoke up your ass you go to my house you know I got my house and a fucking cabinet right next to a refrigerator two things the fucking cocoa hemp force when I got nothing going on and if I'm hungry I'll drink a protein shake if I got something going on I'm going to get to something I would drink a protein shake when I get back with two scoops I'll I'll carve it up with a half a banana water ice cubes and I'll tell you something on it the fucking hemp force protein shake is tremendous after a worker I think like 32 33 grams of protein which your body could only assimilate 30 if you're

fucking lucky go to honor.com right now go to the box check out the great little something this they got from alpha brain to shroom tech to new mood they got a great selection go check it out you like something I'm gonna give you 10% off all you have to do is go to the box and press in church BAM CH UR CH and now you're fucking running things you understand me excuse me let me talk to you people about something these days you can basically practically get everything on demand like the podcast like the church you can listen to whatever you want when it's convenient to you correct so why the hell are you

still going to the post office and dealing with their limited hours the long line the key you got to bring it back now now I gotta take a walk around the block to get you think that you get postage on demand right now with stamps dot com anything you can do at the post office you could do right from your desk again right from your desk with stamps dot com buy and print official US postage for any letter of package using your own computer and printer and unlike the post office stamp dot com never closes so you can get postage whenever you need it 24-7 listen I view stamp dot com before Lee has had it my wife I still use the

cell out there I mean listen my wife loves it okay you gotta send them packages out t-shirts for the show whatever stamps dot com is the way to go listen I don't care who's out there what you can do stamps dot com is the way to go now right now use my name Joey J O E Y for the special off the four week trial I'm gonna give you and it includes postage and ready for this a digital scale that's how I roll go to stamps dot com before you do anything else before you go to the bathroom before you get chocolate milk go to stamps dot com click on the radio microphone at the top of the home page and type in Joey J O E Y

it's that simple that's that stamps dot com and the Joey again stamps dot com never go to the post office again no bueno no good you don't know nothing you don't know nothing you don't want to know nothing and that's the way this show ends I love you motherfuckers from the bottom my heart don't forget about me Friday Saturday South Point 7 30 I'll have you out of there by fucking nine next weekend helium South Point who's better than you and me nobody to all my brothers in the fucking struggle I'll see you there and if not two weeks from now Philadelphia Camden Pensawkin Gautita Barrow I'll see you at the

Bogota cocksuckers have a great 4th of July you know me though you can play with fucking firecrackers just keep them away from the fucking kids alright and keep away from the animals don't be a fucking scumbag have a great 4th of July with your family stay black I love you thanks again to Martin Moreno to be found should I find you? remember I'm gonna start searching I'm gonna find my man

I'm gonna drive around I'll show you all about time you all about time I'll show you all about time I come here to get you oh yeah oh nothing

oh I'll show you all about time you all about time you all about time I come here to get you oh yeah