Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #497 - Eddie Ifft

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

Eddie Ifft, comedian seen on Comedy Central and heard as the host of "The Bingle Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH   Five Four Club - Go To Fivefourclub.com and use Promo code JOEY for 50% of your first month's package plus a free pair of sunglasses.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/10/2017.
  

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club spelled F I V E F O U R club dot com promo code Joey also on it dot com give me some lovely kick that meal cocksucker it's a beautiful day to be alive Monday July 10th the church of what's happening now any if Lisa yet are you fucking kidding me you could jump out the window at any time right now if you're in your car open up that door and just jump out of the car cuz they ain't gonna get no better than this here we go go Lee here we go kick that meal motherfucker the church of what's

happening now cocksuckers are you fucking kidding me or what bust out that fucking number here we go what's happening you bad motherfuckers Uncle Joey at least I at my main man Eddie ift is on the show this evening how are you my friend thanks for having me thanks for having you on last night for you people want to ask listen last night podcast was fucking hilarious you know listen when people tell you don't touch the addables don't touch the animals all right it's like when you go to the zoo they tell you don't fuck with the lion you come to this desk don't fuck with the addables unless you have good

intentions I'm so only sure I found that out the hard way last night he called this morning so he puked the other pull over 18 times fucking nightmare he puked on his sandals I was so scared when it came in here no this like a vapor in here because I read you know Twitter you don't see anybody's tweets anymore because you got so many people all of a sudden I see a tweet from you that says RIP Polly Shore and I went oh fuck like Polly Shore died like and so I start like I go over to the news to see what they're gonna be saying in the news and I'm like oh Polly's dead and I'm like holy fuck and then I look at other

comedians I'm like they hasn't even gotten to the news yet like like Joey he's got the inside track and Polly died so then I started thinking I'm like I felt really bad because Polly and I weren't close we didn't get along and I'm talking about him like he's dead now and we didn't get along and we got in this like argument like years ago and I remember we got in the argument this is like 15 years ago he goes you're never gonna play my mom's comedy club ever ever ever and I swear I got I headlined for the first time the comedy store in San Diego this week it was my first time working there and I'm thinking

I killed Polly he found out yeah yeah and he was just like fucking I'm going to Joey Diaz and died and I really thought he died and I said to my wife I'm like think Polly Shore died and it was like and then I just looked at everyone else and then I saw all your comments and your fans like oh don't eat the black stars oh my god poor Polly Felicia called this morning Michaels asked me what happened she was laughing how many oh she thought he died too yeah and then she read it and then she saw some of the comments like you and she knew what it meant when the red stars got him you know the fucking star oh the red stars

are black ones last night he had a blue one those red ones those the blood ones were out of them until next week thank god the purple ones yeah the purple I listened to you once and it was like an education I got on on edibles because I'm not good with them at all like I've had a really really bad time it started out good and I wish it had stayed that way because I really enjoyed it the first time I did it second time loved it third time the maybe the worst 24 hours of my life yes it's taking a weird direction eight hours you gotta get back on the you gotta get back on the meal yeah I get as a kid like with alcohol I would be

fucking hugging the ball puking thinking it was never gonna end but I could get back on the meal then the next day but with weed it fuck with my head I thought I went crazy and I thought I wasn't coming back I got a niece that took one of those stars when I had a Fitbit on oh like the exercise thing and she saw her heart rate go up to like where it only goes when you work out oh that would make it get even worse she fucking didn't do it for like a year either she's like that that's terrible I got in our head so you want to get in your head is that happens to me once it gets in your head that's the problem that's what was

happening like that's why yeah yesterday I went to the store and I got a race crispy treat I almost ate it and I gotta go to jujitsu I take one of those edibles and go to jujitsu it's not the same it's a real unpleasant situation somebody gets on top of you it's fucking crazy you know listen oh yeah you get paranoid it's really funny about what I'm gonna tell you guys and I've told you a thousand times you know listen at a college I don't fucking know I don't like I'll live back in the seventh grade I'm not but anything I do know is because I did it and did it over you know like yes what was it yeah yesterday

I'm the wheat store we're talking about microdot acid there was an older black woman there was from Jersey from East Orange and she was talking about microdot acid you know and I laugh because people send me clips of Joe Rogan and Tom Segura in other comics saying how am I tolerances they think you're born with that knife I freaked out the reason my tolerance is highs because I've been a dumpster on my life and drugs I'm ashamed to admit that but it's a drug dumpster I'm ashamed that I laughed at it yeah no no no no no it's the truth this is what you get for fucking being an asshole people laugh at you when you

were an asshole people laugh at you and when you admit you're an asshole you have to take the laughter from admitting you're a fucking asshole I'm a garbage dumpster you know and I feel bad for Lee but I'm trying to when Lee eats these edibles I'm not trying to fuck with Lee a little bit like 10% listen man this podcast is about one thing not believing the hype no Joey I I want the listeners never to believe what they're telling you it's like we tell them we go to airports I don't give a fuck what I got a coach ticket I go on the first line ticket first-class live ticket that's just the way it is and by the way he

does this with me or without you but he does this at 5 a.m. as high as he is right now right now I get stoned to the guilt like he's gonna break up I don't believe I tell people this podcast is about believing and not believing the bullshit okay because I look at people since I was a kid I've listened to people I said this guy is this guy retarded like when I was a kid my mom had a bar so they'd be drugs all around and I'd see people snorting coke so for years I'd have to go out and listen to people talk about cocaine and I never raised my hand I never said like they go what do you know I don't know nothing

meanwhile I'd see people snorting stuff there's like I got older you know I smoked weed and I snorted that fucking THC crystal which was angel dust I did acid for fucking 18 months I was doing it five days a week well you know I was taking two or three hits a night smoking it you know we didn't do how to smoke acid we just put it in the bowl and it does it works yeah like a little fucking microdub put it in the bowl this kid Vinnie Gargiulo talking fucking sex software yesterday I bumped into three in the morning bought three hits and he put one in a pipe and what are you doing oh you I didn't know you

could do that you could do that then they were just chemicals you know your lungs are shot God knows it goes into your lungs how's Vinnie today is he okay he's blinking from time to time you I don't know I haven't seen him he's a big time but it's just funny how like I've done everything so I can't I don't believe people and they go well you can't do this you know unless I'm like Keith Richards junior yeah I think that too I read about some people but there are those people that one time and then they'll go you know like lose it I just think that there are people like when I was younger I could drink anything

everything I never really got into the drug thing other than smoking a little weed but I just couldn't do it and I loved alcohol I loved it I wanted to get drunk every day but I wanted events I liked events you know like what are we gonna do today let's go in for a hike in the woods we'll bring about all Jack Daniels let's go to a baseball game we'll buy beers and then we'll drink more beers and we'll do shots you know it was always like more more more I don't know why I stayed away from the drug how old are you we started drinking 15 are you from Pittsburgh yeah that's you got a drink it's the culture yeah maybe that's

what it was how much has Pittsburgh changed so much in the last like five years a break yard yes and no yes and no me it's weird I like I'm not a real Pittsburgh or I grew up in the suburbs okay and they look at me like you fucking rich faggot you know like they didn't I'm not accepted in pit do I love Pittsburgh yes do I have Pittsburgh in me like my dad grew up in Bloomfield my mom grew up in Squirrel Hill like my whole family was involved in sports in Pittsburgh Pittsburgh sports but my dad was an insurance salesman made some money moved out to the suburbs not a lot of money but like enough that two cars

in a house you know kind of thing like and you know if you're not a steel worker and you're not like from the mill and they just even the girls want nothing to do with you they look at the kids from the suburbs like and Pittsburgh has hot hot like like lower middle-class skanky girls like beautiful beautiful beautiful like the kind you go I'm gonna get some money someday and I'm gonna come you know pull her out of here cuz she's prettier than any girl out in any fucking country club anywhere and you just pop this chicken and they'll all be like where the fuck did you find her and you just dress her but and they're

skanky but they want nothing to do with any guy that doesn't you know work in like blue collar fucking you know guy and so you know I'd go out when I was in my 20s I go to like the nightclub nightclubs and think I couldn't fucking cook I couldn't go up against those dudes you know they're all fucking jacked and and you know they got tickets in the end zone to the stealer games it was it was a it's like two different it's kind of like what other city I see is like that I was just somewhere that's just like that is it I'd be one of these coasts that is it's a certain mentality and it's a blue collar mentality and

sometimes I sit here and I go why would like to quit comedy excuse me at least do five years of that lifestyle like this times I'm out of my mind of the blue collar lifestyle you know I think of my brother in law my brother in law works 70 hours a week double shifts you know to support two kids yeah house you know he works fucking constantly and I can't I always whenever I feel down on comedy or down on what's going on I think I am yeah and I think of the decision I made you know to pursue this and stick with it and now my family is eating you know yeah ten years we ate but we ate weird and now we're eating you

know ups and downs and it's based on belief but it's so weird that this I love thinking I love getting high at night and thinking about my life what could have happened what could have been what the difference is and I'm kind of mad at myself why a little bit but not really I'm mad at myself for leaving at times like I see my buddies now like on Facebook this 12 of them at a fucking golf tournament why play golf I wouldn't fucking play golf yeah fucking paid so boring you know that's the community I came from here a comic but I didn't see comedians in my weekly yeah unless it's a comedy story you know I'm saying it was

a different type of friendship those suburb friendship yeah I know I agree with you that's so 20% of me I'm like Jesus Christ right now I could have been living in North Bergen I could have been maybe making 75 grand a year you know you take one vacation to Miami yeah take one big vacation to AC you know that's how we do it we gotta go to AC eat some crab legs right honey yeah we're living like that I love Miami it's just a little vacation but AC AC is the big one you get the white shoes out you tip a little extra you know that's your whole year like you save up for that I was watching the honeymoon is last night and they

were part of the raccoons and they go to a raccoon convention once a year I'm jealous of those people I'm jealous I'm jealous of them for sure there's a different there's a there's an attraction to that lifestyle that at times I go what the fuck did I do look at these people I talked to people with no souls yeah we would just go from train to train to train until they find the red train and when that train crashes they find the 28-year-old and they wrangle ten of those guys and they start all over again and they do that three times in their lifetime I'm pulling by the agents and managers and the whole

fucking thing you know you could be here for 30 years not sell the ticket and be the funniest guy in the world sell three tickets and all of a sudden they all love you know they're jumping out of the woodwork so comedy clubs anymore they're popular popular club I don't I don't you know I miss all those little things like this time to sit thing but she's Christ you know I never went to none of my high school reunions you know Lee's has been talking lately about going to his 10-year-old it sucks don't go is he in here the ticket 700 fucking dollars what no no you get to go back to Boston for you 600 for the plane ticket

it's no worth it 600 bucks the Boston Thanksgiving weekend he kills it two birds at one stone he sees his mom oh thanks to your mom do it for mom listen my mom tell you what I thought about it Lee I gotta tell you something if you go there and look around you might just be depressed yeah I take the chance Lee let me tell you I went to my high school reunion and I was really excited and it was like my 20th or something and I was so excited I was like this is fucking amazing I'm gonna see and I'm still keep in touch with a lot of my friends so we were all talking about we're all looking forward to it the night before our

high school reunion my one friend had a party at her house and it was just like high school people were drinking beer bongs people were doing keg stands it just got fucking like it was just like high school and we're having the best time we were all fucking making fun of each other like we did and you know giving Pete Reem a wedgie or whatever it was and we had the best time and then we're like all right tomorrow is the big night and we went to this pool and we all swam the next day and had a barbecue we are all together all my friends and then we went to the reunion where the whole school comes and it sucked because I

was around a bunch of people that I didn't want to be around and all my friends that I was with the day before the day of in the night before I was like hey we should get out of here and go back to like so-and-so's house you know party and it was like high school again you're in your little clique you got your group of friends their group everybody went off in their group of friends and you realize I never liked you in high school that's why I moved out this fucking like you here I got my friends and so I said all my friends why we even fucking go to that thing and pay we should have just got had a party

and hung out yeah do you know what that I had like one really good friend through high school they'd call them and go see you yeah that's that and I should go not for Thanksgiving because I like I don't want to be a bummer but and when I say this when I say bully I don't want to it's not like the kids now or killing themselves and then like it wasn't like that but I just never really felt like I fit in I don't know like I always I always wanted to go to those parties and I don't know like I was chubby so like people like I can make people laugh but it wasn't I never really felt like but then I'm an idiot like I would sit at

home some weekends be like no one's calling me to hang out and I wouldn't call anyone to hang out so maybe I should just just call someone stupid but like part of me thinking of going back is like why like I don't keep in touch with any of them yeah and they they weren't like it wasn't like we were best friends ten years ago so maybe I yeah maybe I should just call that one guy and be like yeah let's just go hang out for a weekend that's my philosophy in this business much better many clicks and people won't let you in I just go like this go where you're wanted go away from where you're not on it like right

yeah people that don't like you are just never gonna help you or do anything with you or create anything but so just work with the people who do it's funny how when I go to Pittsburgh I like it yeah I like it I like the people Chinese food good Chinese food delivery what the place to work the fucking funny bone for the creepy yeah yeah oh the the poor brothers yeah yeah brothers they finally closed up when they're done I was I was right there when it was happening I was involved in it it was terrible like I was one of the last locals to pull the plug on them and go over to the improv and he held it against me and I they

they had me come up as the first club I ever worked open Mike first club I ever stepped in 1996 yeah and Jeff and Keith Schneider and I like the guys and but he just he was mad when I went over the improv but they just you know he wouldn't ever up my money and I felt bad I felt bad yeah I like that club look I like the improvs I worked for a lot of them but that funny bone was kind of cool it was around forever and it was really cool the first week and I worked up there was really cool and I went back did you work then which room did you work the balcony one I don't know the one before he closed that was it by the incline 2005

oh no then you were at the in 2006 and like 2008 that's a big room then okay so 2005 I went out to the longest yard and it was cool then a year later he called me again and I went back this time I took a red eye it sucked dick yeah that sucked dick a red eye connection to Pittsburgh oh that's all there was that oh and you were living out here yeah holy shit oh it sucked dick and I took a fucking edible from from fucking the Kushmart they used to have a 250 milligram brownie that was like you can you can you please keep me up because I don't get the milligrams a milligram 250 at that time in 2008 that was fucking dangerous like

and now it's nothing how many how many milligrams would you get smoking one I don't know but I know that a guy like you be 10 milligrams you're gonna feel it really and then you'll work yourself up through time you know yeah you're a thin guy that's why they only sell 10 milligram doses at these places okay because that's where you can handle 10 how many how many milligrams do you have before we started the show tonight yeah who fucking who's counting I gotta know you saw me I put there was one ball that was four of them that tasted like ass tastes like blue like the end of them I didn't know what I could do Lee I

was like caught like this like I just fucking go for the swallow and they had to be four or five in that chunk and then I blew like threes chunks of threes like two of those things it's not that we're close to 2000 we're close wow but now for and I could do 10 you can do 10 now at that time there I eat the whole brownie like a fucking galvone in my leg wouldn't stop there's sometimes Edibles backfire if I've been on 200 flights they've backfired four times oh Miami once Pittsburgh once that's where I had a bad experience Chicago one time on the way back from Midway on a plane on Edible yeah 200 flights three three

experiences I remember that were a little cum see cum saw this last time I put a song on this is the weirdest anxiety attack I ever got this was maybe four weeks ago oh it's just happened this is this is the last one that just happened that wasn't a bad one and I handled it beautifully I handled it beautifully the one freak out was the sweaty one on the odd way when I waited about 380 I ate the whole pack of the fucking stickers and on the way back it's when Southwest had the chairs that faced each other some across my three grandmothers I'm sweating profusely I finally just take off but that was the

first time with Gabriel and Martin Moreno then there was another time another time on the way to Miami on a red eye freaked that time I fucking got off the plane I went to get the ride I went to pull my pants up two inches of my pants were drenched in sweat was that the cinnamon candy one this that's when I ate the edibles and they had a whole pack of cinnamon certs and the cinnamon mice must ignite it something there was this gay guy next to me like leopard goggles with a blanket I'm sitting there for the morning no shit on with the blanket up to here to love that you take your shirt off I would be taking

pictures of you if you upgrade me on a first-class take it I'm taking my shirt off that's my fucking mouth all right you like Burt Chrysler when I'm so two times I took my shirt off three times I freaked out the time with the tits the time that one in the time the Pittsburgh was the red eye the last two hours of that flight my leg wouldn't stop happening about 30 minutes I was ready to ring the bell and tell you gotta get me off this flight my leg won't stop tapping I didn't have the balls to ring the bell finally we landed I walked with a limp like my leg went dead something happened with the fucking

edible but then about four weeks ago I took a plane with somebody who the fuck did I take the plane with I took the plane with somebody we sat apart on Southwest and I told my wife to download some music from me I gave her a list I went through a bunch of albums I hadn't heard and there was this one particular album that I used to listen to every night with a friend of mine we'll be driving around snotting and it was 1983 and we listened to that he was heart broken over a bitch I was heartbroken over a bitch I knew I was leaving New Jersey I was just waiting to rob the right person yes all I was waiting on was

the right drug choice to write drug dealer and I got ahold of a loan shark he fucking served the purpose I got him for a couple grand I got this other guy for a couple grand and we just listened to this song and that day I got on Southwest well as soon as I sat down the edible started hitting me and I'm like let me put my earphones on I put the fucking earphones on and put this album on and I'm just listening to this album from 1983 freeform like I just put it on wherever it so I forgot what songs were on it I forgot everything but like the fifth song there was a song that just took me any it just took my anxiety to

a different level like I must have had something at stake with this song like something it triggered something it fucking triggered me on this plane so much I had to take the earphones and throw them off me and I looked for the fucking store this I was breathing heavy I asked her for a fucking water and I popped the fucking Xanax the Xanax help really not really those things don't do me those 2.5 I got a like six of them I got on a plane once I did a gig one night and it was in Australia it's my first trip ever I've got I go to Australia a lot and I think my first time I ever went was like around like

2005 or something maybe 2000 yeah 2005 I went ever do a show and I went to the small town called Adelaide and they said the first night I went it was awesome the crowd was great and everybody was laughing it was really fun and I partied with everyone and then they said you're here for three nights we went to another gig the next night and I look around and the audience is all the same people that was at the first show and I go this is kind of weird you know there it's the whole all the same people I partied with them all last night and they go yeah so I was like I got another hour in me you know I can do to it so I just

did an hour I was like okay and they were big in the weed in Adelaide they love their weed and they're proud of their weed I go the third night same fucking people and I don't have more than two hours material at that time I had like a mix and I go fuck what am I gonna do and I'm watching all the comics the openers go up and I'm like I'm out of shit these are all the same people I can't do my same act it's weird so this girl had had had she makes pot brownies her name's Fred she wouldn't care if I told her name she she's famous from and she gets everybody's sick on them they eat too much they get

sick if you ever go to Adelaide I'll hook you up with Fred or London she lives in both but she makes these pot cookies these pot brownies forget if it was a cookie so we're sitting in the audience and I look at her and I go give me the cookie and she goes no fucking way the book girl kill me I'll be fine just give me the cookie because I'm hoping it'll get me so high just go I'll go up and I have a whole new bunch of material so I eat the cookie and I start fucking laughing like I've never laughed and these comics are on stage and they're shushing me because I'm laughing so I don't like this is hilarious this is the

and I've got a friend down there it's got any big Al when he laughs you laugh he's got that laugh you know that laugh that just no one has it he's real big dude like fat dude and he has a high-pitched laugh and when he goes it's contagious so so I'm losing it and then I went on stage and I did like three hours and I got off stage and I was a show and they're like it's good and I'm like how long did I do and they're like three hours I go it was good I did I do it was all kind of original shit wasn't they go this to them they go yeah you talked about them like some razor like a mock three turbo or something they go

talked about it for like an hour yeah they go they go we don't even have that raise you know it's funny whenever I take out a bulls and go on stage on the road where it matters it's like me going on stage years ago it's a 50-50 shot but one thing always stays clear your relaxation levels really good until the panic until the panic attack starts no no no there's this weird thing that you just get it when that you feel the edible creep and on it's when you do acid when you only drug like that not like coke coke hits you right away H hits you right away it's like when you do ecstasy or do some type of ass and you're

waiting for it to hit you when it hits you for those first two minutes you know you're there and that's what happens to me sometimes on stage when the stage when you hit the stage it does something completely different to the other because the lights at you and you have eyeballs looking at you so that fear mixes at the adrenaline and either can either go one way or you're gonna go a different direction I've gone on stage on mushrooms one time oh god and that was pretty good cocaine that don't work for nobody even the really even the after effect of cocaine because it throws your timing off throws your timing off it

takes your soul away so you can't put your material into your heart you you're a mannequin with a tape recorder okay and you feel it on stage but I think and I don't know I don't have any experience with it but I would think what I've heard is it gives you this fake confidence and sometimes I feel like my my issue on stage is like sometimes I'm fully confident and then other times I I analyze the audience too much I'll go like okay and I'll go that you know she's an older woman and this is no you're back to do that for you yeah yeah and so I feel like with cocaine I would get up there and just be like I don't

give a fuck what anyone thinks this is what I find funny and I'm gonna do it right now no really it was a really bad experience I was net listen I'm not good at two things I'm not good at talking when I'm on cocaine and I'm not good with alcohol if I have a drink like I'm not a fighter or an arguer or one of those guys I'm just not good like if I'm driving the car and I have one beer and it's been two hours ago when the cop pulls me over I'll lose it really yeah I don't know why because I'm guilty yeah I know myself I should not drink and drive so my guilt that's why I don't do it yeah I drank two beers a night in

Vegas this weekend that's like I told my wife that's like a world record yeah I'm not lying I'm lying to you the one night I drank a beer and a half that's still a world record for me anything after a beer is a world record for me the one night I left this much at the at the card when we were playing cards I put the beard down I forgot that was warm that's the only reason why I left three inches I'm not I'm not proud of it but probably from the age of 16 till maybe 32 33 I was a hardcore drunk driver and I'm not proud of it at all but I did it like I don't know why I didn't think there was any chance of failure blackouts

anything no I never black and no I always felt fully under control to the point of like and it's not true but I felt better like like I was switched on like I was like and no accidents no anything thank God you know and I think it's terrible because I could have killed somebody but I do feel like it had a different effect on me now now I don't do it and I can't do it because I have two drinks and I want to take a nap and when I'm driving home sober I'm falling asleep so on alcohol I'm like don't get me near a car I've slept in my I went out with the tell one night I ended up sleeping in the back of my car in front

of the improv they found me in the morning like I all I wouldn't drive this is like years ago before tell quit and now I would I I just won't do it now I don't drunk drive I just never ever it scared the fuck out of me yeah I'd see I saw the effect of it you can kill somebody easy and then I saw how fucked up they got towards it like at one time not that they were lenient towards drunk driving but it wasn't an issue yeah it's a fucking issue it's an issue you got to ride a bus for six months yeah you got to get special insurance yeah yeah you got to take classes they'll put a fucking you got a jail they'll put the

kitchen jail you got to put a funnel in your car and breathe through it just in case fucking something happens I mean it really really is like I wouldn't wish on anybody do you ever hear the Jim Florentine joke about it no I was a joke about how the old days you used to get pulled over for drinking and driving and cops would be like get in the back we'll drive you home and then you'd be like can you pick up another six pack on the way home the cops feel like alright it was let me tell you something in the fucking late 70s and 80s where where there was a it started to become aware like in the late 70s 79 80 there weren't

ads yet but people were talking you know three kids got drunk on the prom yeah got killed yeah so people started talking I just I saw an accident one night and then I just I just knew there was something about it that didn't work for me yeah it just didn't work for me drunk driving and then I saw the what they laid on people and it's not worth it I just saw the fines and it just somebody told me somebody told me California I think at DUI is like gonna end up costing you know 20 grand or something that's hadn't done and I was like I don't want to fucking pick 20 grand for anything no no I don't have

weed in my car I'm a pothead yeah I'll weed my car I don't smoke weed in my car and I don't fucking like when I go to store during the week at night I don't fucking do edible slug I just drive down there yeah I won't drink when I'm there when I'm down there sometimes I'll smoke enjoy yeah but besides that by six o'clock I'm done for the night I do this for the podcast cuz Lee and I get high but no when I'm driving at night no no no cuz I can't lose my driving right yeah and it fucks you up yeah there's so many things that people don't realize like you can't leave the country some some countries won't let you in if

you have that on your record or there's there's weird kind of shit and I just like especially when I'm in other countries never ever we gotten I went to the Middle East to do shows we were doing Dubai and we left the venue with beers in our hands out to the van we got a call the next day like don't ever fucking do that again you were just drinking in public in the Middle East like that will get you thrown in prison we live with brazilian they're like yeah and you swore around women we had a woman like guide that was taking us around apparently she like informed on us for cursing these guys put a put a

jab on your head and throw rocks at you we say a couple couple swear words and we're we're going to prison I gotta tell you something guys I'm not into that traveling shit across borders yeah I'm petrified it is terrifying it is less and less do I want to do it this fucking kid from North Korea came back retarded yeah they did to that white kid and the Koreans are 20 years ahead of time they sent the guy over they knew he was gonna die in three days they put like a time on him the kid was dead when he walked off the plane yeah he was walking half dead he didn't even walk he was in a coma yeah he had like a

battery what did he do wrong was he still in science or something yeah that's what they said you know listen bro you and I both know that as kids we all did yeah yeah the hotel to get 15 years well you don't even they don't even talk English you can't you're away from your whole fucking family yeah but why did why did he go there who the fuck cares you know these fucking people because everybody has to be international everybody has to be cool everybody has to see something everybody has to fucking everybody has to fucking do you know that's why and he went over and he fucked around at the wrong place and they

gave him 15 years and you know and it's hard cuz you don't when you go to a country they don't tell you shit no one ever tells you anything they tell you about North Korea that's like that's why even there was one of those dudes I got invited there I got invited my friend was running a marathon there and they don't know North Korea yeah North Korea they open it up yeah and they let Americans come in and I went you're out of your fucking mind there's no way I was in India doing stand-up and after I did my first show the comics all came out you know you're so crazy you're so daring I'm not like nobody thinks I'm

that in America they go oh you said some stuff and I was like what they're like we have an offense law here if you offended anyone in the audience they can go tell the police and they arrest you and I was like I gotta get the fuck out of this country as soon as possible like I don't want to do it you don't know these things and yeah you never like I I was in one country and I was thinking about my computer they open up people's computers look I'm like oh my god I think pornography is illegal here I probably have porn all over my fucking laptop if they check my cash and I'm gonna go to prison like if they like you

just don't know what you can and can't do it Dubai I saw I was at a party people are doing cocaine and I heard you get 17 years in prison for just having it in your system not even having it on you and I just said to three other comedians like oh we got to get the fuck out of here right now there's like fucking around no way well I don't know the fucking rules yeah it's scary all right I just don't I don't get the whole you know it's like I don't have a passport and part of me is depressed but the other part of me is like I'm good with it you know what I feel like I feel like you used to go see things because

you want to experience them but now the world's so global you can go on Google images see anything you want to see and then see 10,000 pictures that people have taken of their videos and it's like okay like we're in India they're like you want to go to Taj Mahal I'm like oh yeah we should go see it they're like it's like four hours away I'm like I'll just check it out on Google images you know listen there's certain things you can't pass up like there's certain things I would love to fucking see like that the wall the underground thing in Israel where you write the notes and put them in the war underground whatever the

fuck it is I like to go to Cuba I like to go to Ireland can't go to Cuba now they're fucking that up now they're fucking that up I like to go to Ireland I think a few fucking places Australia got dear friends Australia's a great place to fucking go down there got dear friends you do great that they love you the problem is it's a that that flight oh see those flights you gotta take time you gotta take a start you gotta eat ten of these fucking things so you wake up and they're like you're here you're here you didn't eat a meal in three days good I ate that girl that gave me the pot cookie in Australia when I was going I

was going from Adelaide back to Sydney it's only like a two-hour flight and she goes I go hey I don't eat in half the night before which was smart I said give me the other half only at the other half and she's like well I go I think the plane flight will be fun I just okay she is it's probably gonna hit you when you land though it's only like a two-hour flight it's not going to digest I went I ate it and Australia you only have to be at the airport like a half hour before you get on a flight they they're civil and normal and human they got two doors on the plane so you enter the front and back half the time they

don't keep you like a cage rat so I I'm sitting on the plane that's I've got the aisles wait I think I got the aisle seat yeah I got the aisle and oh no no no I've got the window mother and son the aisle in the middle the son is retarded like really retarded a real deal and it oh but I'm walking down the jetway from the from the you know the airport down to my plane and she told me it hit me when I land my legs just started to feel like rubber bands like I was just like oh my god it's coming here it comes so I got my seat I thought I'm gonna sit down just I'll just I'll get through this no problem then I started feeling like like I

had to pee so bad and this kid sits down with his mom and I look over at him and I just don't handle it well I'm like he's retarded and I'm sorry I don't mean to say anything disparaging about people with mental illness but it just too much it was too much for me when I was high and I look and then you painting yourself in a fucking corner in more ways than one so I couldn't get out can't get the fuck I couldn't get out of the seat and his mother about halfway through I was like I gotta go pee I gotta go listen that seat gives me anxiety yeah his mother started feeding him she gave me a sandwich and I you know how they

say that like some retarded people have like a sixth sense I swear to God this kid knew I was high and he knew that I needed to get out of that seat and she gave him a sandwich to eat and he didn't eat it bite by bite he was picking crumbs off of it and like putting them on his tongue and just like looking at me just like he was because I couldn't conjure up I couldn't ask him to move but I needed to get out so badly and I'm in my head I'm like as soon as he finishes as soon as he finishes his sandwich because I don't want to disrupt his meal I'll get out I'll go to the bathroom and he was just looking at me like no and time stood still

and when the flight attendant said this to me I remember I took um I took you know the safety card I wrapped it around my head so I couldn't see him and I just sat there like this and the flight attendant came up in town and said are you okay and I was like I wonder if she knows so I was so hungry and I got off the plane I ran to mcdonald's swear to God the girl the counter goes are you okay like I must have looked like I was through the wall yeah because he was just it was like he had special powers and he was just he looked me right in the eyes and was like I'm gonna destroy you it's different on a plane it gets you it gets you super high and like I he the one time well not the one time the first time he did it to me

or he gave it to me I was convinced that the stewardess forgot to like come to my aisle for food and I had was crazy hungry because of course we take edibles at four in the morning but we don't stop now we stop for breakfast if it's open we stop for breakfast now the the the burger the egg burger but that morning I think it was open I think it was like the first flight out that morning nothing was open do edibles go good with food because when the third time my really bad time I was eating these these cookies you got to get them their biscuits their Australian biscuits called a Tim Tams and it was my first night ever having it's a chocolate biscuit with a it's like a biscuit with a chocolate coating you bite off the ends and if you're drinking coffee

you use it like a straw and the hot coffee comes up it melts in your hand and you got to like smash it in your mouth and it's the I'm telling you it's one of the it's like the ninth wonder of the world if you have it it's called a Tim Tams slam when you do it with coffee and they just started selling them in America it's a it's heavenly so I'm doing this I'd eaten half a pot cookie and I start doing Tim Tams and I'm like I mean you're supposed to have like two like they're like coffee biscuits I've eaten an entire package and the girls told me that the sugar probably like made the pot go quicker they're like you activated your system that's what happens with desserts so I walked I stood up I felt good sitting and I looked at the girls and I I turned

around and I just went make it stop make it stop whatever has happened like whatever is in this you got to make it stop right now and they're like we can't and I was like how long is this gonna last and they go forever could yeah and I went tomorrow tomorrow yeah that's kind of what happened it was till tomorrow well they're weird man well I'll tell you what I I enjoy that people eating them in contrast to heavy stuff like I saw those the dad that came out like three weeks ago when CNN CNN fucking put these numbers up CNN like drugs and they were talking about fucking how the states that have medical marijuana there's less opiate with emergency oh really good like that emergency room visit so who the fuck knows you're gonna have you with some Tony Bennett

gonna sit there like move the law you forgot it's Monday cocksucker so you had it all lined up I'll never forget about Tony Bennett how dare you I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart put the thing away we already had enough of those as I last two oh okay fair enough don't put them next to your nose do they taste good like fucking heaven like those tam-tams will sweat like heaven they're really good did you see how it's stuck to the computer it sticks like spider-man's foot that's when you know you're in for a long fucking night you know I'm sorry oh my god let me get some shout out to you real quick oh what

do they taste like these are actually a really good flavor these are the sour blue ones these are good yeah these are real delicious like a gummy bear kind of yeah yeah cracker cj 2501 raisin leslie cap oh no for three jeep thanks for coming to vegas cocksucker brad ebert brian romero jrv and christa finnegan you sexy bitch anyway sorry about that no it's nice nicely you do that to your fans too let these motherfuckers none of our fans they're family at this point but we're doing this fucking shit for so long I feel like the same thing like yeah I've had fans I shouldn't call fan I used to call them shitheads when it was talking shit and now it's the bingo show it's bingo berries they have done so much for me and so many guys have like really helped

out that they're now my buddies like they come over to my house and I know some people think that's weird but it's like we all by talking on this format you find people that are totally into what you're into think like you talk it's like it's dating I never got to date in the fucking computer world I would have liked to because I think it's great you cut through all the bullshit well these guys we know we got shit I had a guy over at my house today working on the bus with me I've guys like I go I've got guys in towns now you know you go to town yeah we got bobblingus yeah we got all those savages I'm going to a town that I used to never know anyone and all of a sudden I got like a couple buddies you call they picked Lee up they take him out to Mexican food you know it's

we had a friend come in from Australia this past weekend that's awesome I want to give him a shot I came with his sisters he came to both shows he hooked up with anarchy he had some edibles where were you this weekend I was at the south point casino and I had a great fucking time if you guys came to the show first off there were good shows man and the people were great the club was great the food was great I do it once a year yeah and I don't leave the fucking casino yeah and that's kind of out there that's on the way yeah it was so crazy like I had this weird thing happening to me this weekend it was just weird how people act and women act and like this girl tried to keep luring me out of the casino she Lee Lee she had no idea who she was

up against and you were like I'm just not leaving like they don't people really don't fucking get me like they think like I'm fucking around do you think that's maybe why she like was so insistent because like probably no one ever says no and like nothing even heard she couldn't convince Joey Diaz to leave the challenge the challenge this girl came to the show dressed up the minute she came in she's like I can't wait you take me out around the town and I'm looking at her thinking she don't know she's getting fucking crabbing avocado salad she's getting tossed out of here I love it at that but I don't love it that much as she tried like she started calling me early she's a dear friend I love this stuff but I even told her like a month ago this one ain't gonna happen

I did the opposite Joey I can't do it I never party anymore because I got a wife I got a two and a half year old this weekend I was a monster I don't know I think I've had a lot of stress lately in my life my mom was sick I got bells palsy like half my face paralyzed and it was a tough month I went down to San Diego love the city I love to surf my opener was a buddy of mine Joe Prano we um and it was just like I got to the club and it was like I felt like I was in college again like I got to get a drink it's a college five yeah and I was like let's take up the sushi place across yeah yeah and I went and got I went and got I went and got to oh wait no sushi we went Chinese and sushi across right across the street I think so or they have at least something a little

something across do you go to the burrito place no I got taken to a fish place it was the best fucking fish I've had in so long and a pizza I was doing shots of tequila like so now like I'll do have two drinks a night and when I was young I could drink a shitload it was like I was young no hangovers I was going I wasn't taking ubersome I was taking golf carts home like guys driving golf guy be like I'll pay you 20 bucks drive me up there jumping their golf cart and just you know eating pizza out of the back but it was like I was in college and there were there were a lot of girls around but you know like there were girl friends of mine and like everybody else is having a good time but I'm like you know I'm not going there but it was like

I missed this for I didn't like when I got married I was like I'm over all that shit but I think for the past like three to four years five years I've kind of pushed that out of my life completely so it was like hey this is fun again this is fun like I slept in my clothes both nights kept my contacts in I just don't like leaving I just don't like driving all around Vegas that's what I don't like oh I hate so that's why when I go to the south point I plan it even before I get that I know exactly I'm leaving one time to do MMA Junk Angle and Mandalay Bay I call them at a quarter to twelve the cars that ten after you know and I go back to the hotel I go to the gym or I fucking do you gamble at all me I won this week I played poker on the computer and I hit them

I don't gamble yeah I mean yeah I'm not being there but I was telling me how two weeks ago I was in Long Island and like some kid kept bugging me like can I buy you a drink I said listen I'm not drinking I gotta be in a four on a clock car it's when it's 1 a.m. I don't drink anyway I said thank you I went to the bar and I got a fucking water if this kid didn't ask me 20 times if he could buy me a drink and I felt bad for the kid because he finally walked away upset but it's like once you ask me I tell you know get the fuck out of my face it's not gonna get no better for you you know you know what I do everyone so I tell you no it's fucking no I go like this I go can I buy you a drink and then that's my way of getting out of having to drink the alcohol be like

they're like come on let me buy you drink when they're insistent no but these guys get here then a couple drinks them this girl was funny because she came she goes well I'm just gonna come to the show I'm like oh I kept telling you you should just wait till I get out of here because see if she would have told me she's at the mirage I'd be like I'll see you in 10 minutes fuck you you ain't gonna get me out of this whole time turn your phone on silent and it was funny because she came to the show and I told I said she goes well what are we gonna do after she goes I have friends at the Bellagio yeah she's hitting me with all these names of places and I'm like listen this ain't looking good for you right there that's that's tough though to do that but she

why it wasn't sexual I know what she knows I'm married I know yeah but I'm saying just like no run around in Vegas is no yeah fuck you I'm not getting no fucking Uber doble good doble so I did it single no no no no even single I don't want to fucking leave yeah I did that shit one time with Rogan I think it back to four in the morning there's fucking lines everywhere for a cab I mean there's traffic fuck you no no no no no no let me get back to four in the morning this is Saturday Friday she waited for me till one in the morning she finally cracked that one she looked at me she goes you're only getting on leave tonight are you you're in no danger and she goes what are you gonna do I go I'm walking to that door over there

I'm a smoky joint I'm coming back in I'm giving you a hug I'm going that way and you're going that way and that's the end of Saturday she almost she called like when I got up there was a call from her let's go and find an adventure go to a weed store what would I do that I brought fucking a quarter round to this and a quarter round to that like I'm a bag of stars I could choke the fucking government I'm gonna go to a weed store with you in Vegas how many shows did you have to do two one on Friday you're on stage at nine come on Ty you're so lucky you just want to be left the fuck alone you know what your fate is you take some pictures you give people hugs you go you get a little clam chowder and you go upstairs and that that I that sounds good I don't want to have

a drink I don't want to you know I'm the type of guy I'm there to take pictures I'll sign your shit I'll take the pictures we'll talk but once it's time to go we gotta wrap it up and go you ain't gonna get me at no fucking club yeah never give a fuck we're not gonna jump in that listen man it's now I'm it's not what I'm into I find peace going up to that room I take a shower I put my shorts on I go to the refrigerator I take a fucking apple juice out of that apple juice waiting for Uncle Joe I took a little can of that fucking apple juice the tree top yeah that's it that's just I've I've probably been to Vegas now you know 30 times I've only think I've had one really fun night in Vegas and I've fun a lot it's not like I'm a boring like I'm not like this guy

that complains it was just I did it it was I think it was my it was my kind of fake bachelor party where I invited fans of the show the shitheads came out and we all went to the hustler club because they kind of sponsored my show a bit and we acted like fucking idiots and drank and smoked and ended up in strip other strip clubs till till the sun came up and that was the only time I've ever gone hey that was a fucking fun night every other time it's just like I've had good nights in Vegas and I had a good night I had a good time I had a good time Friday night and Saturday night believe it or not I had a really good fucking time I drank a few beers I want a couple yard sticks and I didn't have to leave the building yeah I have to do that nothing nothing I got straight to my room

no I just it's the way that I'm going to camp I'm going to St. Louis I'm getting all these people hit me I'm listening you believe what you want to believe though there's a guy that sent me like this fucking friend request you know listen if you don't let me fuck with you I'm gonna fuck with you if you're gonna let me and if you're gonna be that stupid I'm gonna fuck with you there's a guy who actually believes I was gonna send him a box of stars for the last five months some guy in ireland has been hitting me you know that messenger account that hidden account you have on facebook right and you click on it says you got 2 000 messages yeah and you click on to it and you feel horrible these people think you hate them yeah and you find all these hidden messages and shit it's

so funny you talk about that I fucking creepiest thing it only shows up every once in a while every once in a while yeah and you know I had a message I'm like amen well why don't you ship me over a box of stars I would be your fan for life sure why not and then he would he would hit back really you would do that and I'm like sure why not and he would go okay can you also send me a shirt and a cup and then he asked for like 20 things I'm like absolutely send me the fucking address where he sent me the address he sent me the all the explanations I'll send it I kept telling him yeah yeah yeah it's on its way finally the other day he's like I never got the package you're fucking did you really send it I'm like are you fucking crazy did you really

believe I was gonna send you a package I don't even know you you dumb fuck I might like I just fall off a fucking banana boat like who would send somebody a fucking package with stars in it can you imagine two days later the FBI's not on your fucking door yeah I can't even respond to those no no I goof on them goof on them tell them yeah whatever you want to be waiting for you I think if you're that dumb if you're that dumb to say that to me on Twitter then I gotta play with you I'm gonna treat you like the fucking moron that you're you don't think that the FBI could be on there like try it was a fuck sure yeah just keep telling me and then set up a time and a meet tell him you're gonna meet him in fucking Vegas by the fountain at midnight good

I did that when the internet first came out when it first came out like we're talking like 19 this would have been like 1990 around 1990 my uh my friend and I would go on the lesbian chat line and troll dudes and because we it was girl and you knew it was just dudes wait it was trying so we'd go on as guys as women we pretend we were women to meet other women and then you'd have dudes come into the room and talk to the girl because it was like the only place you could get like get weird on the internet was it so we would troll these dudes and this was like on aol like you know you chat on I think it might have been like pre that or whatever but we would just say like all right I'll meet you at this bar I'm I'm gonna be by the jukebox and I'd say things like I need

you to wear a blue hat I want you to put it on backwards so I know who you know this is pre cell phones it's like I want you to put your hat on backwards it was no it was 1994 this is 94 because it was yeah and I'd go put your hat on backwards and play this song you know so I know who you are and just send these dudes I used to send them to truck stops and all kinds of shit and then my friend and I like as we got older we're like we are trolls when we were like you know like little kids like we were fucking with guys and like guys trying to like pick up these like dirty lesbians they thought we're gonna fuck them and I had them waiting on the garden state parkway at a road stop thinking they were getting a blow job I feel bad about it now but it's listen if somebody's gonna

be that stupid they deserve what they got coming to them I mean you cannot go on one of those things and really feel safe like I wouldn't feel we were catfishing safe I wouldn't I wouldn't fucking feel safe in none of those situations what what situation any of those situations like going on a chit chat line and talking to abroad that I don't fucking see or nothing like that you know whenever somebody attacks me on like Twitter like a message like you get those once in a while somebody just tries to fuck with your head yeah I got it today out of the blue I haven't had it in a while and I was like every three fucking weeks but they come together and like a wave and I'm like did I go what the fuck is going on here with these people like something's going on they don't

know about I think you look more into that Twitter you can tell that something right yeah oh always always yeah so that's it's uh just I don't know I don't like fucking with people when when it comes in a wave like that because I never like you know I'm not big on Twitter or anything when I get and I get I used to when I used to work with Jim Jeffries I used to get so much hate mail all day long like hundreds like hundreds I was like and people were like oh you're you know your show's growing it's getting popular I'm like I can't handle this I was like I can't handle the hate it's like killing me and then uh so I don't get it much anymore and then it'll come in a little wave and all I figure is I must have been on TV last night like I some a rerun of something I did and there

were just a bunch of dudes sitting around going oh fuck this guy like like they hated me so much that they were like sometimes one person has multiple accounts and it's funny because you can go and I go to their page and they all retweet each other like of the same thing at the same time oh yeah this guy just has like 18 accounts he's having fun by himself I don't care about it anymore because I I'm starting to totally realize that the people that do that yet are just fucking weird something's wrong with them I can't imagine trolling anyone other than Trump Facebook is where I get believing that Facebook I get the weirdest fucking thing I the last one I got was about eight days ago uh a little chubby little blonde chick about my age from my hometown hit me with a message

if I knew somebody if I grew up with a certain person I did grow up with that person but I don't know who the fuck she is yeah sorry I said no yeah then we went back and forth all very vague questions because I'll give you a vague answer and I'll throw you completely off I love that you said no I would never think to say no I wouldn't either I wouldn't either no you don't know nobody you don't know nobody you don't want to know nobody yeah nobody you don't know that person yeah I wish I would follow you just because there's a fucking picture there that's a guy that could be a guy yeah looking for something that you grew up with him that could be a public uh what do you call those people like uh a public attack what do you know those people that spy on people for other people

private investigator that could be a private investigator that's looking at Lee for his divorce his wife hired him and he's fucking hitting you up as Lee asking you if we're gonna go get pussy this weekend you know just that you never know yeah why give why take those assholes that answer the phone hi this is Tim McMillan I got catfished once like no you never open up with your name I I gave too much information never and I don't know if it was a girl or a guy I forget the whole situation but they played me pretty long fucking time it was a weird thing I was trying to get a hold of a girl and I sent her a message on a text message and apparently she'd gotten rid of her phone and someone had the new phone and like someone had her number and so this this person just started

playing me and they start playing me really hard and uh it it got like really weird they told me they had cancer and all this stuff they knew I surfed you I bought you a gift I'm going to send you a surfboard and all this stuff and and I thought it was her the girl that I knew the whole time and I'm like why is this going on and and then I took it to her friend I'm like why is she doing this to me she's fucking weird why is this going on and she's like that's not her number I'm like what she's like she changed numbers no it's fucking weird they had something on 2020 about the basketball player the white guy from the Denver Nuggets bird man the white dude that has all the tattoos yeah bird man about he was having a long distance relationship with a girl that was

set up by a girl in Alaska a little retarded girl in Alaska and that's all she does that's all she does that football player for the chargers had that happened in college yeah another damn yeah and then I had I had a kind of a funny one I help people start podcasts sometimes and I got it went back like two or three times and he they told me they were like the third base coach of the white of the white socks like a former player and they said his name oh yeah cool I'd love to help and like two or three they're like fuck you I hate you you suck and that was that was their in that they were like the third base coach of the white socks oh I forgot about this one we had a girl that was a big fan of talking shit when Jim and I were doing it and she told us she had cancer

that's pretty much just mail time we used to call her cancer girl that was our joke name for we called her cancer girl and we used to we used it for a donation you could come to the house and we told her you know what you can come for free you come out here we'll have you blah blah blah we said we'll even pay for your flight you know because she said she was telling us it was like terminal and she loved the show and everything and she was like hardcore like she did crazy shit and you know she's like I might just she was like writing to she said I might not take my treatment because I just want to die because I don't want to go through I've already been through chemo once like a really really in-depth story so she we said we'll fly you out here she said I

can't fly the doctor say I'm too sick to fly so I kind of leave it at that sorry we'd love to have you Jim used to you know Jim Jefferies he was like don't die you know see a cancer girl you know like he just gave her a hard time so I'm doing a show in Florida in Marco Island you've probably done that so I'm doing the Marco Island gig and this comedian I'm not going to say his name on here you guys probably know him he said hey I'm flying down to Atlanta he just told he said can I come down I'll drive down can I do a guest spot on your show I said yeah no problem he said why are you going to be down there he was on flying into Atlanta and I'm picking up the cancer girl and I'm taking her to I'm taking her to a concert and then I'm going to drive her down to see your

show because then she can't fly out here so I'm going to drive her and he flew like he flew into Atlanta drove somewhere really far picked her up and then drove her down to like Naples the south of fucking Tampa so he shows up he does the guest spot and everything she hangs out she was kind of fucking like off the rails she wrote graffiti on the wall in the bathroom so it was really a girl though yeah it was a girl okay was a girl he hooks up with her whatever happens then we find out he's hooking up with her we find out that our intern has been webcam jerking off with her then we find out she doesn't have cancer she lied to us that she had cancer and did all that then she tells the open mic or not the open mic the comedian that brought her the trover

that she got that he got her pregnant I'm like this woman he's a fucking sociopath like that's why you avoid people like that you have to be very careful in today's a slutty cancer this thing with me was fucking crazy because I watched it I like no I don't know what you're talking about okay and she sent me something else I noted that and then she asked me if I did comedy and if I was from north bergen and I said uh yeah I'm from north bergen obviously you know that you asked me about that guy and then that was it I left I come back and there's three messages and one of who I thought was her in a bikini in it I'm looking at this little chubby girl going why'd she send this picture her with a fucking bar what's the tip what's what's that when they

weathered the whole thing down to here's like a bikini like the one piece I want people it's really not a bikini the borat yeah whatever the fuck it is oh gotcha and she sends me one of those and then it's something else doing splits so yeah I'm like I'm what I don't need this shit in my life you know if you're thinking let's make a picture of your pussy don't bother don't bother like that you want to get my attention just send the picture I don't get that ever anymore no no I don't get either but if you want to get my attention send me a picture of your monkey but I really nothing else everything else gets a thumbs up I don't even look at it I don't I don't give a fuck I don't I don't I used to get some of that before I was married yeah because you tell people

you're married like me well old dogs don't we want to send an old dog would you send a picture of your dick to a 70 year old lady maybe no you wouldn't no you fucking wouldn't all right it's the same thing who I don't even want pictures of pussy my point was that you're not going to get my attention unless you send me a picture your pussy like lightning on fire or blowing a roman candle or something I don't want to see you in a fucking bikini so I leave it at that like I didn't even answer it back which probably drove her crazy like I don't know what you know so about a week later and then I go over there and I plug the computer on the Vegas Saturday morning and I'm up early I'm up like seven I'm waiting for fucking room service I don't let me look at this fucking thing and I

start looking through it and I saw she sent me another message like click she sent me pictures of a chubby daughter I'm looking like oh she was clean like yeah like bro people are fucking retarded man so you never know like that's a lot of pictures we you know we're very lucky we have Bobby Sharon and Crystal and Bob Lingus and fucking uh the Armenian you know fucking uh what's his name he brings me bread oh we got a burge burge we're very lucky that week oh you I never thought of that too everyone probably brings you drugs no no no we have people on the road in certain cities that show up and that would bring me something to kill me like the liquid acid the paper acid it's always something to kill me like he said no no and they don't bring me drugs they bring me stuff to kill

have you guys had Shane Moss on here? Shane Moss. Shane Moss is a really good dude really funny comedian too oh my god from Minneapolis and he does the like the black dude no no no not that Shane that's Randy Moss no no no no Randy Moss is a wide receiver Shane Moss is a white dude and he he does a whole show now a comedy show in psychedelics and he just loves him he's done DMT like 60 times yeah I don't want that fucking movie to come on I want people to come in and talk and be fucking all you know he's great he's really smart and he's really into it great do I look smart really into it you look into it I don't want nobody across from me thinking he's fucking never thought about these whatever it's fucking you've never done DMT

no really just do acid and join the real world stop fucking around with baby shit I'm gonna get high for 60 seconds and cry and go in a corner and tell people my insecurities I'll give you a listen we'll do a drop of that shit there in a sugar cube you'll hang out with Uncle Joey you'll be fine no more no more DMT that'll take you to what side you need to sit little container right there oh there it is that's what that is that's what that is oh god that's a nice cube right there it's all over you take the DMT and never do that get stuff so I was like a dickhead but I'm not I'm amazed that more people don't dose people like people don't get illegal I don't I know but it it'd be so easy to get away with

no one no one and that's something that you don't want to dose people with no no I'm saying I I've been drugged once in my life yeah that's great because you weren't watching your fucking glass that's exactly what happened I want your fucking glass so this is uh but it was a good good it turned into the good situation but the thing Joey doesn't dose it like Joey convinces the people to dose themselves almost like Polly no well here's the thing man me fucking around with him you know his level I know that he had it was time for him to push it like in the beginning I was giving him big packages and telling them there were small packages so I was playing with his mind he thought he was doing 35 milligrams mean when he was doing 100

and going why is this killing me because it's a strong cookie but whatever he thought he was eating he was really double because it's Wednesday dawn I was lifting his I was lifting his resistance without him knowing have you always had a friend like this yeah that was like your guy that you pressured and oh my god all my friends knew when you were around me if I blow we had to do it yeah if I got but I didn't you know when did you start how old I started getting high on weed when I was about 12 13 playing basketball I was really a jock but the jocks in those days got high yeah it wasn't like jocks that walked no we got fucking high and we brought beer trucks and we did all that type of shit but the it was 78 when I really started fucking around 79 and the other drug was acid

which was blotter windowpane they had all acid was everywhere there was five bucks four bucks three bucks two bucks you know you had nickel bags of marijuana nickel bags you got seven joints for five dollars I couldn't do acid I don't know okay and then you had angel dust you could smoke what's the feeling from angel dust like the world is crashing and you just fucking float like that was weird like every drug I did okay like I did the fucking weed just because I liked it and I liked how music sounded with weed that's what I really liked yeah from weed in the beginning because I liked music and then I don't know why I can't tell you what made me do acid as much as I hated all that shit I didn't read you know there was no internet in those days you know you couldn't

web md yeah you just talked to different people yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and you got you know you're fucking there was no yelp right you know there was no yelp you didn't believe nobody they told you you have three friends right yes you do that shit yeah I was a tremendous we went to a concert we had a good time beautiful should I do it fucking it's gonna change your life okay done that's it there's no thinking there's no what you get well I don't really I don't give a fuck what you want to do that's what acid tonight that's why people talk about parenting it's like yeah it's all about who your kids hanging out yeah it's it's it's it and and you know it was I always had somebody growing up like two or three dudes that we got down with that we all had

the same tolerance but so did you peer pressure them like you do him no him I peer pressure him because he wouldn't do anything if he doesn't do this these two nights this is it oh really he'll sit at home and watch color is the purple orange is purple and fucking anything bad he'll watch and they'll cook blue apron and they'll fucking stay in and do you really cook blue apron yeah yeah it's so good and he fucking watches you know Saturday night when they giggle I don't get them Zion if this is it this is it does he have a girl do you have a girl he has a living girlfriend she's a lady at least slinging day leaves a savage issue I have I've always been kind of uh well not kind of I've always been really like a nerdy and like just boring you're not

nerdy you're Sabua fair sure sure whatever you want whatever the call it I used to not understand people are nerdy and boring it I couldn't understand how it happened and now that I'm kind of married I'm kind of nerdy and boring myself and I'm happy with it I'm like oh they were happy with it their whole life I always just assumed they were like misery I'm like why would you want to be like that and now that I am like that I'm like oh I get it I want to go home and just sit with my wife part of me part of me does want it part of me is like oh maybe I should have partied but then literally 97 percent of the people I talked to about it like oh you didn't miss anything like in reality you know I had some I had some great fucking times okay let me tell you something man I uh

wait a minute I don't know I don't know why I started doing you know what the fuck that was I wouldn't want to do it now but I mean I did this weekend but it was like I just can't handle it like I did and I and I regret I have lots of regrets of like throwing away years of my life for just partying like you probably educated yourself and I went to art school so not really okay you know Lee is uh you see you know I'm 54 now I see the generations and I see the differences in the generations I really do I really do I don't name them yeah I don't know what the X generation is yeah fucking Pepsi generation or the millennial is I don't know that shit Pepsi I know what a half a fucking fag is that's what I fucking know and half of them

half a fags you know POTUS to these new people get body highs from weed I never heard this shit but that's what we're dealing with today people who say POTUS 92,000 presents all of a sudden now they want to call them fucking POTUS all right you know everybody with this you go to a weed store and then destroy the weed industry with the fagotry it's fagotry with the body highs and uh now there's a new thing micro dosing like we don't really get high we micro dose let me let me put my dick in your mouth now while we have the chance before somebody fucking shoot you we're going into some scary times at these fucking type of people you know micro dose Joey oh yeah all the time we just micro dose we just micro dose 2000 you macro you macro dose we macro

dose we broke the fucking bank okay macro micro who gives a fuck but it's just amazing where we're going and how soft we've become and uh it fucking tears me up that people micro dose when they tell you now I just upset you at night by yourself oh well I'm sitting there driving I'm smoking a big fucking bong and I hear people telling me they micro dose this morning after that morning yoga session and I want to sit there and go what the fuck is this Eddie what's this tour you're doing what is the name of this tour I'm going uh it's called the bingo all the way and we're taking that bingo bus I bought a bus for about 10 grand did a kick starter and we put about 65 grand into the bus now that was what the kick started now it's up to like 95 grand

and it's I could probably sell the bus for about two grand maybe three if anyone wants to buy it because it's just fucking digging every day it's something else every day I gotta like fix the I had rats in it that chewed all the wiring $10,000 of wire and just everything but I finally said well you know I told the fans I was going to bring it around the country so we're leaving on the 19th of 19th of July and we're going this is a tour we're going to San Jose that night Eugene Oregon nine hours later the next night Seattle the next night then we go over to uh Spokane down to Boise Salt Lake City we're going to Denver Lincoln Nebraska St. Paul Chicago Illinois Madison Wisconsin Iowa City Dubuque and then we're talking about

stopping in Vegas on the way back for this weed thing but it's it's fucking and it's me it's not like you know when guys got on a tour bus it's nice and they got bed and still that's tough this is a shitty old school bus how many guys on the bus so we're gonna have four total and it's it's uh it's all nice inside like I you know I'm we saw the big screen TV yeah yeah it's beautiful inside and um but one of my cameraman my cameraman guy so I got like an audio guy and one of them does merch and and then I got a comedian that comes with me an opener my drives the fucking we all take turns I'll even be doing it I'm a soldier on this thing like I'm not the leader like that we're all in this together one of my fucking my cameraman today sends me a contract

I want this I want this I want this I want this and I want I want a new cameraman he's like making all these demands I go I'm with a big agency when I go to a club there's like three lines in my contract your your contract to come on tour with me like five pages so uh we're gonna have a good time though we have tailgate parties at the bus so we just open we got a keg on the bus we tequila we drink for the party smoke on the bus everything and uh do the show stand-up show and then everybody comes out to the bus afterwards tailgate and we do a live podcast pretty fucking how long is the tour 20 days 20 days I'm leaving my wife and kid for 20 days to ride around this like it's smaller than this room Joey no I know I know I like the tour I

hate the predicament you know I'm saying with a night every 40 bus I tend to blow up in the big fucking kid I know everybody's making bets everybody's making a bet but fucking you better have plan B just in case you got some short dates there in between fuck yeah you got some short times there you're Jean Oregon if you're telling me you had rats god knows what by the way is in that fucking engine the other side does have AC no oh no no but listen listen listen I've been working on ac all week and every single fan has like an opinion on ac and we were like do we do batteries do we do generators do we get an alternator do we to people are going you're gonna put dry ice in a bucket and blow a fan you know they were giving us every kind of way and I'm just like so I I think

we've narrowed it down we're gonna have ac by the time we go but how we have it is a fucking nightmare I would do it through a generator like a dry swamp whatever swamp cooler that's what I think we're doing that's it that's the only way I can see it and then every stop recharge the generator yeah generate last 10 hours yeah so that's it you stop but every time you stop you charge it yeah while you're eating you charge yourself these people that my cell phones did what the fuck did you do when you were home it's gonna be plug it in take a shower when you come back the thing is ready the same thing with that fucking thing you plug in the bus you go eat that subway whatever the fuck you're gonna do because there ain't no Morton's on this tour no no there ain't no Morton's

on this tour you're lucky if you get a napkin and shit there's like one of those tours they take the 600 pound man on you ever see when they put him in the back of the U-Haul and they take him across the country to fat fuck and every three hours he's got to stop he's back to stop stop that's what I feel like that's what I've done I've created this tour that's like fucking everyone's like you have to do it you have to do it and I was like why don't they're like you built the bus and it's funny we're going to Dubuque Iowa where we're fucking feel the dreams in my friend Casino now what's the club in Dubuque Iowa I'm doing the Q casino now was there a club in there I think you're thinking the um the Quad Cities right what club

was in there I was called um penguins penguin penguins now they have a club on a ship they do now I don't know they had the club downtown I forget I used to open for a tell I opened for a tell there and uh we had a fucking good week there because they used to have like a Thursday Friday at the club and then Saturday you went to a ship and then that ship had a comedy club in it and it was like a funny bone something the chick that ran that club knew more about comedy man yes man where is she I don't know I'll tell you this though I hope my god yeah I hooked up with a waitress there me too and uh we had sex and uh never thought anything of it again you know see a good senior and uh someone

knew like one of my friends knew and told Jim Florentine is a good friend of mine told him and uh I called Jim or something and he's or he'd just come back from there and he said uh I said hey how was the gig and he goes oh I go did you see so-and-so and he goes oh you mean the pregnant girl and I go what he goes the pregnant waitress you know she's like uh and he knew how long ago I was there he's like she's like six months pregnant you you talking about that girl and I'm like I forget her name Carly or something Carly he's like yeah Carly the pregnant girl I just fucking went he had to be fucking kidding me and he's like oh yeah she's uh she was talking about her you know she I said did she have a boyfriend her uh husband or any

no no no I think some comic knocked her up and I'm like oh fucking I just lost my shit I'm I was panicking so hard and he goes yeah you're you're a real fucking gullible one you fell for this shit and he just got me so fucking good so good I fell for I was convinced for like you know I was like oh fuck I gotta I gotta kid in Quad Cities Illinois I had a weird experience there I went there you know $12 a week headliner I did mad TV maybe and maybe something else I do not know but whatever I did this waitress saw this is the weirdest fucking thing that could happen to you on the road it's a Saturday night Sunday they drive you you go on a fucking plane you come home a Saturday night she comes up to me introduces

out and says can I take you somewhere after here I want to introduce you to the biggest fan in the fucking world on those days I was doing powder yeah so you'd go out if this happened I didn't say that at first I go let me see how what happens after the show and she goes trust me you're gonna want to go to this thing so every every 10 minutes when I'd see you and she goes get ready to have a good time I'm like what the fuck is this girl talking about second show that's the fucking night where I'm sitting there I don't know how many people in the audience and the manager comes to me she goes by the way the second show Ron White and Jeff Fox were you know the other guy I do when the guest said wow I go are you fucking crazy are you fucking I'm not following right this is

that they eat of their popularity I'm like I'm not fucking following those savages and they came in and it was great I started drinking fucking doers and I started hanging out I smoked a joint so afterward the girl came over she goes what are you gonna do I'm gonna go with them and she grabbed my arm and she goes listen to me if I was you I'd come with me and I look at it like it's like oh you know anything about me was that one she goes trust me you're gonna want to come I go was that done for do a powder and she goes well I'm gonna take you there might be some powder we'll ask when we get there but trust me you want to go to this place and I thought there was a catch because those type of girls always have a boyfriend yeah

they always date in the dirtiest fucking dumbest waiter in the fucking place you know sure enough to show it and she's like you ready I'm like who else is going and she's like just me and you and I think I had a little coke in my pocket I copped a little something from one of the fucking casino dudes I saw a Spanish casino dude and I worked and ran away we're gonna hear the poundings like give me five minutes we got a cousin already somewhere so we got in a fucking car we drive about 20 minutes real cute girl you know I mean I'm sitting on what the fuck is going on yeah I gotta be 40 at the time 39 you know this chick's maybe 26 and she stops and it's a strip club yeah and I go what are we doing here she goes your biggest fan works here

and I'm taking hang on my fucking fans yeah I know three people I put on the seat I should put on this shitty cd yeah what the fuck is she talking about she takes me in but when we go and she takes my hand and she goes come on follow me she takes me to one of those back rooms yeah where strippers take and she goes sit right here I'm thinking I'm getting shot I'm like this is a hit this is a fucking hit I don't have a weapon on me I got nothing so I went real quick got a bottle of fucking beer and I'm like I'm gonna sit here and wait till whatever happens happens I'm gonna hit him but there was a fucking hit I don't know who I don't know who the fuck lives in the fucking decoy and I don't know what the point is why is a fucking beautiful girl with red hair and a great

body asking me to come to a strip club with her and now she leaves me in this fucking private room by myself in the middle of all this anxiety bam the fucking door opens up that waitress wasn't a fucking bikini with no top on oh she was this and she came over and gave me a lap dance it was fuck I couldn't believe it it was just me and her in this room I go how do you do this she goes I work here part time oh I wanted to bring you here as a surprise I was like uh what the fuck but not in there I'm not really fucking went down except really she got hit I you know I grabbed her a little bit you know I trumped her I trumped her I got her I got a little monkey in the trump hole I met the girl the girl who catfished me well who I thought catfished me uh and it was

someone else she used to be a girl that hung out she was like a hanger outer at the improv and uh I thought she was pretty hot one night she hung around a lot so they love comics one night I was at the bar I was drinking with them and she came home with me and I'd text her there and a lot of comics saw me leave with her and I get a text from uh I think we've Ryan Stout did it to me you know Ryan Stout Ryan sends me a text and it's just a link you guys check this out it's the girl I'm with you know in just a hardcore porno like just I had no idea and she was just getting like it was like called like co-eds need cash and she's just getting like fucked by like some dude this is just right after I've had sex with her and I'm like oh but you let me walk out of there

without like they all knew all the comics were like and no one said anything and they just let me go home with this chick and I know people are listening right now I'm going what's the big deal I probably still would have gone home if she said you know I do porn but it's just like you meet this chick and you think she's one thing and then you see her sucking this giant black cock and you're like holy shit and I was making out with her so what's the name of your tour wake up these people get the date it's called the bingo all the way tour it's at edyift.com IFFT and uh it's starting July 19th and it ends like August 4th or 5th and it's every night and my new podcast comes out tomorrow okay it's I like tunes right yeah iTunes it's called the bingo show B-I-N-G-L-E you're ready

to fucking go bingo you know what I'm saying bingo you're all bingoed out what's up with you over there Lisa and see you made it another podcast you were scared I'm not I was scared I'm not I'm not I'm not doing nothing you're doing it nothing's happening to you it's all mental you understand I'm telling you you're not like these fucking mental mentions you're a savage look at you you're a Jewish tank of debt anyway speaking of Jewish tanks of fucking debt don't forget for all your supplements go to honet.com right now alpha brain listen you try you don't like it you got 100 money back guarantee how's that for you go to honet.com right now and press in church bam get 10% off that motherfucker you understand me number two do me a favor listen and I'm responsible for this

for dressing like a fucking mortadelle because you know for years I dress nice but then I said what the fuck I'm too old to lie to people and now I'm too old to dress like I'm fucking dressing so I'm thinking of making the move over here too because look looking good doesn't need to cost your fortune all right five four club is revolutionizing the way men shout come on take that off brother this is a fucking podcast let's not put the fucking phone each month they send you a curated box of two to three items that are handpicked to match the current season in your style they've been helping men in fashion for over 15 years and shipped over 100,000 men every month they know what they're doing so if you don't that's okay five four club

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dot com promo code joey go out there dress like a fucking savage you understand what the fuck you think you're dealing with number two let me explain something to you do you know that depending on where you got your mortgage you can save 20 000 dollars or more did you know that but 80 percent of people only get one mortgage offer like i did and if you just go to your bank chances are they rip you off that's why i didn't take the loan from them lending tree doesn't want that to happen here's the thing the average lending tree customer can save 20 000 over the life of their loan that's the average half of their customers can save even more whether you're looking for a new mortgage refinance home equity loan lending tree is the only place where you get up to five real

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apply but go to lending tree dot com slash church i want to thank my man eddie if thank you for stopping in tonight you bad motherfucker i want to thank my man lisa yet don't forget bitches st louis get your shit together i'm slinging dick thursday night helium i'll be there friday and saturday too but the party starts thursday night and then july 29th i'm telling you every time they send me those fucking numbers there's less and less tickets don't fuck around the bogota july 29th there you have it i love you motherfuckers we'll be back uh i'll let you know tomorrow all right stay black eddie if eddie if dot com my man lisa yet have a great fucking day stay black uncle july loves you bogota still does it

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