Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #501 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

Josh Wolf, comedian snd host of the "Fairly Normal" and co host of the "Prinze and the Wolf" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/24/2017.


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joey thank you for changing my life kick that fucking meal Lee here we go it's Monday morning cocksuckers here you are what oh shit kick it Lee I want to blow off the fucking I want to blow this place up Lee it's over there you go and you thought it was gonna be a good fucking week here we go cocksuckers beat down brother check it out I'm about to go down take it hand this shit that has you took down a little city chillin in the North Bay and listen say my boys don't play fool don't decide and you know how to strong goals in the back sipping purple jungles don't look for trouble but it always seems to play

that's what a brief and panty sipping and it seems to pop behind oh shit Monday the 24th of July cocksuckers the day the devil was buried at sea bitches got a brand new kid on my brother Josh Wolfe and your uncle Joey here cocksuckers it's gonna be a good week spark that fucking number tell mama to watch that monkey you're coming on strong that's how you got a motherfucking podcast started thank you for listening to the church of what's happening now like I told you at least I add to you hello bad as fucking juice as Jesus I went to Dantanas I took your advice I went to a good restaurant parmesan the best and I

have to give a quick shout out to chance and his brother I we were down there for my birthday he I had done a little work with him before he said hello the nice with a waiter with the red jacket came up at the end and said this nice gentleman behind you bought you dinner so I just wanted to say thank you my birthday it made it really special it was an expensive dinner too it was in subway what'd you have no it wasn't subway we had the Caesar salad that they make to order delicious delicious I haven't had that in my show is not motherfucking yeah yeah well maybe the dressing they didn't have I didn't see

any on my plate okay and then I just got the chicken parm and I was I had to take like half the chicken from home and I was a big fucking chicken I was on stars and I had to take it home they beat the fuck out of that thing that's a big piece of chicken what a ball of petrolonga have she had the what is it called the carbonara nice so yeah that was how many pieces of bread did you destroy with the butter you know because that's the shit in there oh that's just some places that you tell carbohydrates I'm with you tonight I ain't gonna fuck around there's some places a waste of time to eat the bread you know

if you got focaccio bread with olive oil don't even give it to me yeah don't even bring that garbage over I like that I don't want focaccio bread I want hard Italian fucking bread you gotta rip it yeah with stick but like original Joe's when you go to original Joe's they give you that hard bread in the beginning you open it up the steam comes out inside they give you that hard but you know that hard butter you either get way too little or way too much no no I tell them from the beginning listen I want my heart to blow up bring an extra back to butter yeah no dog let me tell you something I knew at the age of 16

or 17 I knew that that tough guy shit was not gonna exist in my life there was a period that for a while I thought about it and I'm like this isn't my game at all that punched to the face that liver kick getting stabbed that ain't for me man I get stitched up like Patrick Swayze with no penicillin in that movie Roadhouse and he's just hanging out that shit ain't for me I'm sorry it's so for some people it works fighting and all that shit I go to jujitsu and my heart beats the whole time but that's why I think everybody alive should get hit in the face at least once because that way you know like oh yeah I don't like that

do you know I mean that way there isn't all that I don't think there's as if everyone got punched in the face at least once there wouldn't be all that yammer at each other because the people who didn't like to get punched in the face would be like yeah I'm not gonna take a chance on getting fucking wapped in the face I hate I told you the last fight I was in I get hit twice once in the face and once in the back of the head because when he hit me in the face I started to run a waste and he hit me once in the back of the head that's how little I like getting punched in the other people who you grew up with who

like getting in like legitimate fist fights yeah because like UFC people like they're legit they're like martial artists they fight but like no I had a buddy of mine who used to he loved to fight what's what he would when he went to a party that's what he was looking to do the rest of us were trying looking to get laid right and he was looking he was gonna get in a fight I'm just happy to be there home yeah it's a party and you had to know guys that look for fights right what all the time why yeah because that's what that's what they like that's how they define who they are and they wouldn't mind getting punched in the

face episode in the Sopranos right when that guy gets out of prison and he goes nuts Jackie April remember that the good actor you remember the Sopranos yeah yeah third season the first guy came out of jail the one that hooked up with Janice he was a big yoga that guy's been around for a long fucking time he's a good actor he started busting Tony's balls like he started busting his balls at the mall yeah he told me he wants his garbage round yeah but one day he showed up I mean he's a 50-year-old man and he shows up with a jacket a leather jacket from the 70s and he goes Tony I brought you this jacket and he goes

jacket he goes it was your favorite jacket we were growing up remember the jacket and he opens up the trunk and it's this fucking leather shaft jacket yeah from 1970s he's Tony Sopranos a multimillionaire he's showing up with a shaft jacket and he goes remember I beat up Rocco Lambo show and I took this from him and he never came back to Broomfield everybody said he was the toughest guy in Broomfield those guys are around yeah and they're 50 and 60 and they still drink cocktails and that's their claim to fame and you this is it this is what you know there's some people think outside the box and there's

some people who start to find by that and I'm not mad at them I'm not mad at them at all I just see them listen you see them here do they still start fights listen you see them here more than anywhere there's no more confused people but there's a lot of fake tough guys here there's a lot of fake tough guys here but the thing is like I used to go to Justin Fortune's gym when I first started my when I started my descent at 418 I really like my did a commercial and I met Maca Foley and he was a boxing coach we shouted at the gym you know we're packing out trains at night and he told me goes when we just did that you

were breathing heavy he goes you should come to my gym I used to train here but now I went over started a gym with Justin Fortune and I would fucking pee in my pants then like I pee in your pants at that point when I first started working out yeah I would pee in my pants like a little bit or like a whole like the front of my white underwear yeah would be covered with yellow piss when I first started working out with Maca Foley yeah like the first three days it was like fucking my world is gonna end like it was shocking you were 14 418 couldn't breathe smoking cigarettes yeah wait is it still it was a tail end of

the blow so I was really concerned yeah man but that stopped me because I knew that that one dude had a heart attack from snorting the night before and then training some dude that was playing basketball from the Simpsons or some of those brothers the Bruckheimer brothers one of the dudes yeah I was playing didn't blow the night before and he played basketball when he had a heart attack so at that time this was 2006 this is summer 2006 and at that time I was hooked on heroin I'm getting heroin sent out he sent me three little $7 bags and I figured out that if I snorted a line on Mondays I didn't have to snort coke the

rest of the week so I could train wait the one line of heroin with the one taste the heroin just like that killed fucked me up so much that it would fucking shock my system the whole summer I was like man I only bought one package the whole summer just by doing this heroin thing I'm that's not the point the point is that heroin made me work out not that heroin sounds great it made me work out it made me not be paranoid I was gonna die of a heart attack so I was paying that got 25 bucks for an hour in those days I didn't go to no other gyms and I would just give him 25 bucks and I would he would stretch me

out you know like make me stretch and shit then he would make me a shadow box and then he would make me hit the bag 20 minutes sitting there I couldn't even do it for three minutes late first time I couldn't do it for three minutes I would piss myself because if it was either between the breathing or peeing yeah I'd have to breathe I wouldn't control the pee that's that's the truth for people at home and they would make me on the ring and hit the pads I never made a three minute round no I would make a minute 38 seconds and I have to go in a corner and he would rub me and put ice on my neck and shit body told me just stay off

the sodas if you can make me a promise to stay off the sodas I okay drink half diet sodas and half water you're gonna lose weight if that just don't work don't come here and see me fucking I went to weight wise I was 17 pounds yeah I said okay I stuck with the no soda he goes drink make a time for water make a time to die coke and I would go more and more and I would spar in the ring but might never sparred I mean I would hit the pad I'm not gonna lie nobody but Justin had a contract with Paramount he was Pacquiao strength and conditioning coach so a lot of actors have come in there I see Scott Conn in there I'd see

a lot of actors in there and some people the good-looking Spanish kid that's a good boxer Mario Lopez Mario Lopez was going because he was friends with Justin and I'd see a lot of people there it wasn't my I didn't talk to none of them I didn't call I was there at 8 in the morning my wife would go to work and I should write over that be there by 845 so that's the place down up by like Vine and no no no that's the place by what we used to live across from Pacquiao's gym isn't that down button that's where that's the other gym the one that belongs to Freddie Roach this is Justin Fortune who was Pacquiao strength and

conditioning coach he wanted to open up a bigger place and work more on strength and conditioning and kickboxing you know you knew that the gym business had a growing to the MMA world so I would see and then there was one particular actor that was like on one of the CSIs I didn't watch and I would see him come in he was a fucking super dick white what's that entitlement white privilege white privilege he had the big car what's the Lincoln I feel like I'm playing no no no no no no what's the Lincoln no no the one that the official car if you're a driver that's UV in this Cadillac no the smaller one that's

driven BMW the other one Volvo Lexus Audi that one big one he would show up and he would take three part I got the points listen bro he would take three parking spot no and then one day some black box I went up to him and said dog we can't have this shit he started talk he started I watched the whole thing cuz I would go there and then finish thing I would knacka yeah knacka was from Boston he was a boxer he did blow for 20 years he was a bodyguard he collected book he was in Vietnam he did 29 tours he was getting 10,000 months in the VA knacka we had him on the podcast we just call he was as interesting as

fuck he shot heroin you know it's not everything like knacka you know you could tell the stitches on his face knacka became like an uncle like when I first got off coke and shit and I was trying to get off weight yeah I would just deal with knacka on a daily basis nobody would see me I would go to Justin Fortunes I wasn't going to the store and I would just go to Fortunes in the morning but that kid I'm telling you about you know he just used to go in there like in box with yeah with Justin like blah blah blah blah blah like I remember one day he's like Justin get in the ring and Justin was like what'd you

say to me I mean was I bet I could box and Justin goes this I don't have time this kid kept bothering Justin you know sometimes I can knock out your sparring partners this guy went in the ring when they leave me Lisa I had he laughs knock out your sparring partner oh my you know I think this guy had boxed in a movie so I really went to his fucking yeah yeah yeah he's like I won the championship in that movie yeah this is the fakers place for all that stuff this is where they come and they all come with a story I was an ex house angel dude you know that I oh my god you know that I just so I'm not a

good fighter at all but you know that I just sparred with Jacob my son so you know we went down this dude Wayne McCullough has a gym down in Santa Monica and I brought Jacob down with me we were gonna get in the ring and just you know sparred up a little bit just see just one round because I had three minutes is a long time to a long round right and we're in there and he he started hitting me a little harder than I thought he was gonna and he's got reach on me he's like six three so get reach on me and he's popping me with these jabs that are splitting my hands and so I kind of clenched with them a little bit I go hey

hey you know don't don't hit me so hard I don't want to hit you you know I mean I just want to get in here and have some fun he goes okay he pulls back and he fucking he clubbed me in this side of the head and I was like all right here we go so I just I I tried to pepper him he was just a better boxer than me he was literally hitting me at will and about at about two minutes 20 seconds I think I'm gonna throw up because I've never know I've been adrenaline going I haven't done one of those before right it's real yeah I say oh my god I think I'm gonna throw up and I grab them and I go hey man that's why I think I'm gonna throw up

you know the next thing he did he hit me in the stomach yeah that's why I don't know my son terrible dude terrible and I got a road you get to with people oh my god no the first role for me is nothing but anxiety yeah nothing but fucking anxiety no being a tough guy seems like a lot of work that's a lot of work it just seems like because you got to keep that shit up all the time I never even considered it and he is the funny thing like I grew up with dudes that were really tough because it wasn't even a level of toughness it was the intelligence level in the mindset there that they weren't gonna lose yeah so

you're gonna have to stay there for now with this guy I'll let him beat you you also didn't you don't want to fight somebody with nothing to lose right but he there's people who might get mistaken like that dude those are the best people ever what do you mean mistaken mistaken like that acting oh right what was the bar that we did comedy at book bro where fucking dump well part town where I used to live when it was a dump on that's Ron's no the place and Bertuge's would know the place in Hollywood that you me Pierre and Paul Corey did Corey Miller we did comedy in the yard and all of his bond except

Corey Miller and fucking even DL whatever bond in there the other kids deal here with the dredge no he had dreads at the time he's not around anymore DL no it doesn't matter but I remember Corey and it was me you Corey Miller and Pierre and the other guy don't remember his name but that place yeah I don't remember the name of that place yes you do vouchers you motherfuckers used to always go there at one time the friend of your family yeah but children yeah I don't know he lived in that area used to be really fucking bad when I first moved in with Terry in 2000 that area yeah that was a fucking gas station and they

would sell crack on the corners and one night I asked my dealer like I had just moved in with Terry I was there two months I knew my way around the apartment now when I call this dude like a dog can I meet you and he goes really where are you and I'm on Schrader no I'm on the other place where I used to live by the Schrader was where the YMCA yeah by the YMCA yeah and he goes all right go downstairs I'll meet you on the street first night I ever went downstairs he comes by on the motorcycle I give him his money I sell the stairs for some reason because I don't want to go right inside like I've owned I would give him

his cash and a D and I got a CD and he would give me a DVD box with a coconut and I just sit in front of my apartment building now like I fucking was a godfather two thirty in the morning and I told him one one time when I first moved in with Terry I'm sitting there like the screeching attire all of a sudden you know they have speed bumps in those streets because there's no lights it's just a stop sign bro this car went by me fucking doing like 90 and also I saw a motorcycle shoot at him and shoot on that street Selma Selma if you go on Selma by the fucking wax museum yeah okay by the wax museum if you're at the wax museum

and the Chinese man's theater back when me and Josh moved here from from 90 fucking seven to about 2003 if you went to man's Chinese theater and you walk 30 yards east yeah and you cross the street and walk down the block that's Selma that's behind Hollywood High School that's where they shot the movie made when him and John Favreau walking behind there and the coach comes out and tells them is a loser they shot a bunch of movies they shot a bunch of movies there but on that corner one night I'm coming home like I know package I go to old compadre I go to the black dude I go to the Martel Cartel nothing from chewy no chewy no

Burger King because my had a guy on Burger King Western and Sunset all you have to do is go to that light and he come out running this jewelist with a coke rock it was the best anyway I'm fucking driving back I'm fucking that street on Selma because there's no cops on some now all I'd have to do is I would shoot down to a fountain and then stay on fountain till I got to something and then I'd shoot up and go around and I get right there on some and there was no cops on some of that one and every night see three black dudes on the corner talking shit like gang members or whatever the fuck and one night they made

eye contact I was like oh yeah I mean well I contact they came over to come what up what up we were you looking for rock and the guy goes what do you got I got a 20 he goes I'm gonna give you a rock he gave me this rock nice little white fucking boulder my text I go you guys are here a lot I'll stop by I see you guys here yeah we're solid I'm Tyrone whatever fuck I shoot to the house oh my chop up this thing I snorted and the fucking taste horrible it I got beat and I chop it again some's not right it tastes like coke it's not in my mouth but it's just not working in my fucking nose man and I finally I just

said fuck that I got beat I went to bed pissed off it only cost me 20 hours is not like I bought an ounce did you go back no I didn't even think about something did you I told Mike Kessler yeah and Mike Kessler goes what are you retarded that's crack I go fuck he goes you still gotta go yeah that night I went home I got a coke can and shit I sort of put in need with a pen yeah and I started smoking the crack out of a coke can my wife would come up what is that smell the reef I go back to bed we did have you did you ever do meth uh Boise I had a whole funny bone I did that in just one time I hated it no I

did a few times but that Boise I had a whole funny bone and I did meth and a creative tour in the south and like West Virginia I was on a five-day one night yeah on the fourth night I heard a guy sniffing the bathroom hadn't been doing like four fucking days and I'm saying and those days I used to scratch having that monkey would come on out I would just sit in the bathroom and make believe I was peeing like a fag in the 80s that's how they picked you up they would just sit in the bathroom all day and they would pee and then when you'd walk in they'd wash their hands and they'd go back and pee and look at your

dick that's how it wasn't the old days I got that I got I caught a guy in San Francisco at the bathroom at the airport one time they just hung out at the airport and we go into the bathroom we saw a hot guy and he'd go up next to him piss make believe he was pissed they look at your dick so you're saying you did that for coke you just sat in the bathroom until you heard sniffing I went to the bathroom and sniffing in West Virginia the guy came out I said listen I got like $200 I need something he goes well man follow me I got Vinnie Capola we drove a half hour and no digger the woods we went to like a

trailer this is 1998 20 years before fucking breaking bad this guy had a trailer I gave him some 20 bucks he came out with a rock I taste I go this ain't coke he goes man I forgot to tell you it's mess we got speed here and I fucking did it we under when you're jones and no for something to snort but when you think you're getting I thought I was getting coke and I got math and that fucked me up because I did I did as much meth as I would do coke oh that fucks you oh that way oh sure I always did a line just to warm up just to see but even like the line is still a line no I was a little just a little bit

line unless I really knew the guy and I just see him take it out of the kilo and I had gone there the night before and I knew what the stuff was I hate I hated me I fucking hated meth no why you see me jumping down up and down yeah it was fucking terrible when I went to prison there was a lot of meth the white dudes the bikers and the white dudes they all did a lot of meth and I said that I became friends with the head white dude and we used to play basketball and every Monday he called me to his fucking room and we'd snort a line of speed that shit would keep me up to Wednesday and they'd do it all weekend it's fucking

terrible they'd sleep one night Sunday the night before his visitation on Monday his chick would come in with a balloon and her mom they'd make up he'd swallow it god sometimes he didn't swallow it because it was minimum correction was his endeavor this was in golden golden Colorado down the block from the cores refinery Jesus wait when you say you said minimum you said yeah this is minimum so when you say minimum security what's your what's a day like at that time yeah what's a day like in 1987 in Boston some inmate went home for a furlough and killed his mother you guys are too young and his

uncle and they lit the house on fire so the governor of Boston declared no more fucking furloughs I think Boston was having a lot of prom furloughs so the furloughs used to be a thing furloughs was a thing they asked for the movies and though was like you're crazy you're never getting a furlough exactly because people furlough was a thing if you were a minimum model prison man and you live three you know that there was a bunch of requirements right they just don't say yet that's why you have to follow that's to be a list with checkpoints and shit in those days but you weren't you didn't you weren't in a prison with furlough

were you no no no I was with a I was in a prison that had a 20 minute you could leave the prison for every day if you were a certain level of hire and points of hire wait what was within 20 minutes like was there where McDonald's within three minutes there was a you ready for this come on though what you think you're dealing with there was a bodega everything ice cream yeah cheese but the guy got stuff for prisoners to cook his specialty was like cheat everything packets that you can bring back in the prisoners can make sandwiches they could make today like a straight or something do they check when you brought it back

in you brought it to the thing and he took it all out of the good thing they were okay with the food yeah they had a security guard over at the at the bodega and they had walkie-talkies it was that close got it and next to the bodega was a Chinese restaurant but I would always ask them anybody ever get Chinese food and they were going now man it takes too long wait a second and one day I put I took what took that went to the bodega and I said can I go on the chain I was yeah I took a menu and I the next day I just called my solicit my name is Jose Diaz I'm gonna be him in golden I'm a camp John George West when should I

come I gotta be there cuz I gotta be on time she goes you come eight minutes and I would go there and get like sexual what happens if you were late and you get a but you couldn't listen if you will lay the minute there's the thing they actually watched you walk yeah so I want you let's say Camp George West was the comedy store okay the bodega was a block before the standard okay so even I could watch you walk you know I'm saying they would actually watch it there was a guy at the at the stand and there was a guy in the corner but all you had to do was get to a 50 yards 60 yards across the street there was another 30

yards and there was a guard there the bodega run started at 9 a.m. and they went to 5 so in the minimum security what's a day like is it still is it structured like to have it at a maximum do you know I mean no okay so when I got in when I turned myself in they took me I got a rain boom I got arrested no I'm not arrested I get sentenced yeah I go to County you go to County you do a little bit of paperwork they talk to you for a day and they look in the face and they go listen we're either send you to Missouri Texas or Oklahoma are you okay with that and you got no relatives there you know what the fuck am I gonna do in

Oklahoma so I called my attorney and then my attorney started pulling spur strings that's what you really pay for your attorney it's not to get you in the prison you want to know to get you situated when you get in there to be able to make calls to people to listen he's sick and he needs to be close to his aunt put him in gold and whatever so when I got into the system I stayed in County for maybe they told me I'd be there for six to twelve weeks I was out there three days now they wouldn't tell you where you're going because they don't want you calling home to get intercepted right so in the morning they just

wake you up and go pack your shit and you're like but I got a visitor coming in for like we don't give a fuck we're moving it it was crazy bro it was fucking crazy and then they moved you golden so they moved no and they moved me to Summit County jail which was like paradise as David Lee Ross said okay that was a handball court you can wear your own clothes what TV till midnight TV in your room and and the guard went the fucking path mark at nine field shot there was something there was a supermarket and then you the guard you gave the guard money and he went and got stuff we sold his potato chips

microwavable tacos so wait so who gets to stay in that place people in the County jail so they they would move us there and Boulder would pay Summit County for me being there right this is a county that the only DUIs nobody kills people to ski talk town it was a ski resort town even why didn't so it was August so ain't nobody gonna rest in August yeah ain't nobody in town to get arrested right so the jail's wide open they have all these empty beds so they ship me to summit and when I got the summit they said to me looker you might be in for fucking 90 days 120 days which I had no problem with yeah I had a

nice room I had nice prisoners and he went the safe way every night and got your chips sodas cakes white bread cold cuts in a package the dude was solid so they told me what six to eight weeks whatever I lasted there a week they woke me up at six and I go where am I going now they go can you city bitch that's processing I they told me I wouldn't get processed till December you know when I got processed it sounds like it was like two weeks later nine days later maybe I was already in Kenyon City when you get done there you know you're down that's like when you go to upstate New York where they have all those

prisons yeah it's cloudy yeah everything's great it's like Batman lives yeah Colorado is beautiful they have a lot of prisoners in New York they're up there's a part of New York that has a you know sing-sing and and Donaham and oh my god there's so many fucking prisons up there I think there's one when I was in Boulder a girl they hung out with her husband told me that her whole family it was three generations of jails like all her brothers worked at the jail her dad her uncle I mean listen Joe you know when my brother went to jail that was the craziest thing for our family it was fuck you when Jonathan went

to jail that was bananas I mean that is I remember going down he didn't tell him till the end well he didn't tell my parents until had to be maybe maybe I don't know I I want to say it was not immediate I want to say it was like a year how much time was in there for you know he did I think a total of like 90 days wait wait wait and there was one time we went and saw him Danny and I went and saw him after he had been put in solitary because he was up where there was that there's a place up near Magic Mountain there's that correction center up there right and you know he thought everybody was just having a good time

you know and a couple of the guards were making fun of people and he thought they were all friends and one of the guards said something to him and he made fun of the guard and the whole room just shut down and they were like are you fucking if you do that like you can't do that shit and they threw him in the fucking solitary and then we saw him when he came out of solitary and I had never seen him like that dude like we're Jews from you know what I mean from Massachusetts dude when coming out of solitary when I saw him I was like oh fuck he was no Steve McQueen no man it was I couldn't believe it and I was like

oh yeah this is real like this is a family inside it destroys your mother it destroys your father thank god no more live to see it for me I saw what it did to my friends man my brother you know my brother told my parents by the way that the reason they couldn't call him because he was in the desert with no phone reception and my parents believe that it was the stupidest boy he was only doing 90 days he could have said he was on a Bolivia for a student protest with his wife that's your country you know you could say a lot of things for 90 days in my situation oh he went back you know because he fucked up parole

yeah you always go back yeah he went back you think you how long they put him that time I want to say the same amount of today yeah they fuck with your man yeah that's the worst thing you like for me it was I just knew I was such a fucking con man at that time Joshua oh dude when I met you you were a fucking con man I mean maybe not not to the level not to that no at that time I was flocking in 87 hours and this Amanda I spumped into the district attorney that was another sentence me one day on the supermarket I was in the supermarket and I go hey how you doing he goes I shouldn't be talking to you without your

attorney no this is off the record listen man there's the first time I got a rest or for something like that he goes listen I looked at that New York City arrests report you know fucking angel I go but listen look at those things and look at this comparison do you really think I would kidnap somebody and we started talking he just looked at me bro and he goes Joey I know you're a good guy he goes but I gotta send you to jail you know where you going to jail because I grew up with a guy like you and he would you've been chucking and driving yourself out of these messes he goes and you're good at it I mean bro he broke

me down I was like finally somebody caught on oh my god finally somebody caught on how old were you I was 20 at that time it was April of 88 so I was 25 years old and he just broke it down for me very simple he goes let's hold for you a good guy I know you are you I read this I read that I read the but he goes you've been for a long time you know you've been fucking walking for a long time you've been having a good time like that's what he was telling me you've been having a good time and you know where you are you know what the fuck you are you're bullshit on it don't tell me you didn't know they were

gonna kidnap him and yeah don't tell me you just walked in on it and we went to your house and the houses was clean in the present yeah I know you are you smart guy you grew up in this you know I just left left that supermarket like just in shock oh you knew you were going to jail right then you had to know I thought he I was hoping for 90-day work release I had signed myself up in the college local college I couldn't seems like but I was gonna plea bargain to someone else my attorney was just working and working and working and working what's what's a plea bargain from kidnapping borrowing like what what do

you what is it the exact thing that happened what really fucking happened in this room what really happened in this room okay the guy said that he was gonna sell coke which he stole right and this guy who got kidnapped he ain't no fucking Peter the 30 this guy jumped out of a hospital well you know he got arrested for a DUI they took him to the house we need stitches when his handcuffs he broke into the pharmacy stole a liquid cocaine and jumped out the window and ran away with the cop it well he was a professional he just called me we talked again taking care of his mother and two son say what you want about Joey he

talks to everybody on the phone you keep in touch no but that's one of the listen that's one of the skills of Joe D I dog that was and he broke it down yeah you've been chugging him he goes they almost and then he told me goes they almost had you in San Francisco almost had you see I found out a lot of shit when I got arrested for that what do you mean they almost had you in San Francisco they almost had me in San Francisco in 85 okay there was still like a an open very generous a quah type war yeah very open ended people that I were allegedly raw Germans so they were back in Germany now so it's tough to but

something that occur and the cops are looking for you and it's like a just question that type war yeah like they just want to question talk to you for a little bit 87 I had like a DEA file and a regular file from coke up there because the DEA lived in up there in those times and once they found somebody asked them police they have the resources to prosecute yeah they had two detectives the biggest crime they did was somebody slipped and fall wise you know they didn't know how to figure that out like I never really pulled rips up there in San Francisco no in Aspen like that's the place where I should have

pulled rips I could have made millions of dollars you could have been Seattle too not the money that was an Aspen at that time and what people had in the houses oh that's probably true because in 84 people in the U.S. you know you just weren't making $6,000 a week no more now you're making $86,000 a week and guess what now the next week if you're making $86,000 during the summer what are you gonna be making in the winter in December so guess what your safe gets stuck and you don't know nobody that's and you just pray to God nobody finds out and you give some to your brother to start a t-shirt company give some to Lee the

office for podcasting pay me back but that thing's coming in you saw those movies yeah Jack City yeah next to they strive for 30,000 a day what what is 30,000 a day in cash at the end of the week you catch somebody when that safe is full in the beginning of their career which 90% always happens it always happens that's that's how you now you're become a professional yeah but I just got robbed they held a gunpoint somebody robbed me now you know how to do the door now you know not to have your money in one place you know to move around the product you know what you were cheap last time get some college girl that

don't know nothing about nothing get some college girl don't know nothing about nothing tell them I'm gonna put a safe thing I'm gonna give you two bedroom apartment tell them it's your uncle who losing yeah and then there you keep 30 G's and you put six of those together that's what you have to do you have that's what as you grow you have to really diversify as a drug dealer and I you know I knew people didn't do this that did nobody woke up to that a million dollars in their house and now it gets but how without mentioning not even I don't know if you want to mention their names with the two dudes that sold in my

apartment building how did they not make any money they started it all both of those dudes both of those dudes because they sold they they had people coming in and out of that fucking place in and out I was always like how was this dude not have a ton of fucking cash but he was snorting at all okay let's get down to this shit 101 coke don't sell in your house you're not gonna sit in your apartment and there's gonna people gonna knock on your door and you know about coke the first 90 days of drug dealing you got to be out there knocking on doors you got to be out there bars giving people bumps selling 50s or 200s

100 that's a dangerous fucking game yeah but it's a high-money game that's a high-money game if you don't snort and if you know how to take it and dump it and get another batch and keep it clean I have two cars and have six customers seven customers that always call you every night that bartenders a waitress a comedian an actor if you get six of those guys buying three or four grams from your week you're in business you're in business yeah so now those guys gonna start buying a bomb now something I come see those my friend wants to buy two ounces shut your phone start all over again move that money shut the phone

two ounces is the minimum they want to buy that from you two or three times to get multiple buys from me but maybe sometimes they just want to buy one time you don't know that so stop it right there everybody's been buying eight balls also and some guy a friend of Tommy's wants to meet him by two ounces cash done that's when you were hiding there you already know yours that's where you're one step ahead of the game you shut the phone dog you take that money or your mother's house buried that's where you know who got fucked yes yeah no that's exactly how they know yeah or they get you with multiple small

buys so do you have to plea bargain once you know that game and how it works and how nobody is gonna become a millionaire overnight if Joshua we've got a tab with Joey Diaz 90% of the time especially in me I had a tab I had a tab with the Martel Cartel that was hilarious and it got to the point I would go over there and they would say you better have something it was just like a movie and in those days I used to get like big daddy t-shirts black people loved merch especially I remember the double-x I would show it with double-x and that would get me a front it wouldn't get me nothing off the tab but it would get me

a front the Martel Cartel we well how did I become friends with them I'm in the fucking 1440 did you not buy from my brother he didn't buy from my brother for a while I was copying from your brother be your brother thought he was Johnny Gumbay want to be a lover till 10 o'clock my party starts yeah I want to have it at 8 so I know by 11 to go looking for we used to tease him that he was a terrible drug dealer terrible I'm like I go why aren't you picking up the phone he's like no I'm not ready I'm like ready for what that's it ready for what yeah no he was not a 24-hour drug dealer he had a window of like three

hours where he was there and I get that I get 10 to 1 yeah 11 to 2 the Martel Cartel was only till 1 a.m. 1 a.m. every once when I drove there at 2 and if I really funky music black music I knocked on door to fuck you doing it you bet be having cash I see in the last time I bought honestly the last time I bought coke was from chewy out of his fucking fedora remember he used to he used to carry it in the fucking rim of his fedora we take that hat sweaty ass hat off oh and the bags would be all mad at nothing about coke that sounds fun nothing about it what I can't honestly I can't think of one night where I had a

fucking great time I really can't I I was it because coke made me shut up and sit in the corner it didn't make me hyper it didn't make me talk it just made me fucking sit in the corner shut up and I hated it but I'm no quitter and these guys always looked like they were having such a good time so you know we're driving to Lake Havasu for $250 all night long fucked up we were all gone to jail that night do you remember cops came to your cousin's house that's up the cops came because we're too loud Melrose and we're all fucking twisted me you carola Malia everybody was fucked up my job I just come from the comedy store

in those days I'd have like the 1245 115 spot yeah I would walk out of that 10 to 2 Lisa yeah and I would go to these guys parties late night I showed up with Carol and those next you know it's four in the morning we are coked up to the gills and we went we bought another eight ball and we drove straight to Lake Havasu fucking join our brains out drinking beers we got the Lake Havasu they only had two hotel rooms the place show to a Dunkleman I don't know it was packed I think that was the filthiest people said that was the whatever the river you ever listen that was the worst experience of my fucking life that

people were like that's so cool you go from boat to boat those people were fucking filthy filthy filthy it was me you and Dunkleman we drove in my Saturn that had no air conditioning no that was one time but one time we drove on one time just you and I went in the Saturn on the sun rising you put the viziness in your eyes that was that time we're in the desert with no air 108 fucking sweating to death in the fucking car the best fucking thing ever here was once Josh which I want to get to this real quick I just want to remember this so it's because Josh when they just got Josh was on call with two different

catering companies he was on call with Ochoa somebody else I think there was somebody else well one day he had a job and somebody called me so I'm gonna bind the job is on what large mount large mount and Melrose I will never forget this if you go somewhere around there is a soundstage and it's a guy that's recognizable he's been in a few movies it was like a sci-fi movie you send me over there to lunch I get there at 1030 I get there and I realize I'm the only motherfucker that I've never done this before this is your first time catering myself yeah so I like the fucking halos what a little sternos sternos I like

the sternos and I put the food on top but I didn't put water in there oh god and also the steam started coming out of it and you couldn't even touch the things that were so hot yeah two guys had to help me and put water in there all right that's that so that's working out I get the lemonade the limeade the cake the ice cream I put the spoons out I got my little fucking thing on and I'm pouring and I'm helping people I'm very cordial and it was 10 to like 3 o'clock so the job was over you even let me your car that's how desperate you want to cover this you even let me your car so I took your car down I'm in the fucking thing

and I don't know what to do what the what might do with all this fucking food and all this stuff so I just start taking the food it was aluminum yeah trays and I'm throwing them into these big gallon things yeah and I'm just throwing the thing and then also I got stuck with all this oil so I pour it into each thing I'm sitting there I put up the racks the guy just said to leave the racks and fold up the table and fold the tablecloth and put on the wall but the catering company will come by later pick up all this shit next thing you know bro I feel like there's heat yeah I feel this heat on my fucking neck I turn

and all these things one fire like trash cans yeah I poured hot oil and all the trash cans and it melted everything wait wait with like paper in it and stuff like right Joe you had thrown the sterno in there that's what it was the sterno is he I remember I was like dude you were like I thought I was gonna go out I thought it was like water I'm like water doesn't light on fire man yeah yeah I'm a little bit of a pyro yeah from the age of like six to nine I almost burnt my mother's bar down I almost brought the bathroom down the back I loved all that pyro man I feel like you were tipping the thing in and

the sterno just fell in you just like let's see what happens dog it was horrible and I had a turn to find people like what's going on here what is this vibe are you know who got that phone call right yeah this me oh my god it was hysterical they were like did you like those did you like some trash cans on fire and I was like no they were like who did I was like don't you I'll take care of it what does take care of it mean when trash is on fire hey they were like I don't think he can work here anymore I'm like yeah I get it that we had a conversation we were talking about something whatever comedy and by the way

I let me tell you something comedy that I saw from you last night dude so I love watching you I like watching people that do this like and do it well man I could tell the difference between material you were working on and material you that you knew worked just by the way you were standing behind the fucking mic I mean you you delivered that material that you knew was gonna work like you were about to just kick somebody square in the fucking asshole do you know what I mean you're like no okay here we got some main room yeah that's the hardest room in the world so hard is room in the world for me and it's the

hardest 15 minute like when I go in there it's because I'm one of the rest dude I hate when I walk out of that room I could feel the nut my nuts are sweating the hardest room in the country the hardest room guys to explain I'm sorry I'm not good with those type of words you it's it's big it trains you to become an animal yeah in different type of rooms it's built weird so I can't describe it to you guys the main there's just a lot of empty space there's a lot of empty space 20 feet of stains yeah big but it's perfect kind of sort of but those people right there right there and when you go in the main room you gotta yell

out with these people yeah the back you got a gun out with them you gotta go in there with a lot of energy dude that belly room is like the best room that room is tremendous that whole fucking thing so today I wasn't feeling well this morning but I took one of those fucking there are flues and I said you know what I'm not gonna go give somebody I'm just gonna do jiu-jitsu I'm just gonna lift weights at the house my wife called we took the family a lunch I had soup at lunch that was it I went home I said what the fuck am I I'm not gonna sleep there was an employee party at the company store oh yeah and they're gonna

bring Mitzi show them so I said you know what I'm gonna go over there today I went over there 230 and guess what if she was running late they didn't know she was gonna come down but I had prepared myself you know like this year did you know you were gonna say not really not really I just the logic of me showing up was they asked me because Paul he was out of town and there was gonna be a lot of familiar faces for she didn't know these kids so Danny was there the song guy yeah so Danny said did they talk to you and I don't know he goes come on one of the manager goes we want to stop by I know it's close to your house

so I'm not that watch those guys ball they were having a great time you know Felicia went with me she's like Jesus Christ these are all the employees at the store I know it's fucking tripled over the years and I'm saying this is a big fucking did you work there no yes I became a regular first and then one night she goes why don't you work that down on Sundays so I would work the door on Sundays for 25 bucks and I'd host at the same time you know me I was a galvan back then for the small 50 she put me she put me right at the door she didn't she I remember when she passed me do you remember she was she would sit on

that back wall and if she wanted to see you she gave you the basically the fit that you want to be a normal yeah but you were cracked oh two days after you shook your head I was cracked when she told me I looked like Steve Gutenberg is that's what but but it was but to get the finger over was like it was an honor to go over sit down next there and she would give you a couple just a couple sentences about maybe what you should try or I like this or you know try that and then that was the fucking best but when did she stop when did she stop passing people or like how long after us I'm not sure all I know is that

this is how I looked at it when I first came out here nobody liked me I mean I was on the zero list the only person that liked me was messy sure oh yeah and I remember I say it doesn't really matter Montreal only use me doesn't matter at that time the local improv will book me but they wouldn't book me in the little club mm-hmm the last factory was a no-brainer for me he didn't want me in this club but I would still do Monday nights you know that we sat at that fucking wall forever yeah we sat on that wall but it's really interesting because I want you to tell people like I'm knowing you're 22

years I'm not we met in the open mic stage yeah of this career and we'll just use the people that are still active in this you myself and Brody yep now I did birch podcast the other day and I think he said on the podcast off-camera that you on the podcast on his podcast yes recently you're described the chains that gone through over the years that don't especially what you saw with the drugs and the oil and I was thinking the other day we had the conversation on the phone about the kids and shit yeah my daughter said you know it's 23 years but it's not a friendship this is a documentary because we've both seen

comedy and we've seen comedy change we've seen what it takes to be a star we saw stars rise right in front of us Tiffany adish Chelsea hang on right in front of my fucking eyes but we also saw him rise and then drop Corey remember Birdman Birdman was the the fucking biggest thing he was gonna be the next big thing he had that sketch show on the CW remember that Mark Shulman was his manager he had he got that huge deal right after or right before Mitch at Montreal like we've seen him do just shoot to the sky and fall too but it's been such an incredible journey from smoking cigarettes on your balcony and

you know dr. w.a. and living with Danny Kelly and robbing that poor a healthy guy that then you robbed you as later every time I'd see him you're friend Josh move it no good he owes me 300 for the Subaru whatever fuck yeah dog I robbed that guy on my open mic stage it was not even funny and I'm not even a I'm ashamed there's people that's why I come clean on this show I would leave Danny Kelly's house on point set here yeah and I would go on sunset with a dollar I mean I have a dollar my pocket Josh no I remember man and I wouldn't he would be outside pumping gas I'd be sitting there like a fucking I'd be like

a hawk as soon as somebody pulled up a gas I'd run in there I'd open up the refrigerator first and pop a coke and go raffy way you had to go hold on one second and I reached my hand behind the register and take a pack of camel lights or pack of Marlboro lights I did this every day he never knew had a lighter that was the thing you would hold the lighter in your hand and pay for the life a for the life it was crazy and then I would go to your house and you were just coming back from dropping the kids so you were gonna make breakfast I'd be ready for fucking break yeah I got my little nutrition for the moment and

after that I can go out on my fucking day and try to fucking make a living you know saying it's so hard to describe the growth I mean people have never known that you came to LA you really rock and roll also somebody told you by the way do you know I'm pregnant and you're like oh shit I didn't know that and stuff so he basically came down here to have a kid and all sudden you're like fucking raising three kids what do the the the the trick was finding a way to perform right because a lot of the comedy store wouldn't let the kids in the store so you had to watch them in my car the only place that would let them in laugh

factory didn't let them in either was the improv the improv had that restaurant and then you know the wait staff was watching my shit but there was a lot of times I did stand up with them in the car with the car running you know and just had a comic stand by the car in the park comedy store parking lot but that listen man the the your your trajectory has been ridiculous though because if you are honest with yourself there's no way that you think that you're alive at 53 years old there's no way there's no way 54 54 there's no way you think you're always thought it was 37 the time I was 15 I go you know what I'm gonna die

but dude you lived like that so I would I would look at you and be like all right so you're a smart guy you're doing a ton of blow you eat like shit you you're not it's not that you know your heart is gonna explode it's almost like you want your heart to explode nobody lives like that like you were living at that speed dude okay and doesn't think in the back of their head and I'm just gonna one of these nights it's gonna be here's the funny thing that people always have to read the blueprint I had the blueprint I had was Lenny Bruce's whatever book right when he lived in the Chelsea Hotel that was the blueprint I had of a comedian and

once that blueprint got settled and in 94 when I left New York and I said what am I gonna do with this cocaine problem in 93 I was doing you know blow every night in New York City no October 93 I went back to Denver to try to be a dad maybe I'll slow down with the blow but one that said what am I gonna do with this cocaine problem okay I've been doing this comedy shit for two years a la carte very I'm a comic I ain't no fucking comic I'm just jerking myself off yeah I just wanted to New York and saw real comedy and saw how it's supposed to be fucking done I just went there and saw how it's supposed to be done can you

remember the guy who you thought when you saw me or like John Legers on yeah and I went to the fucking I went to Denver and the intention of being a dad and becoming a comic that was it and getting out of the massive debt I was that I was in I had no idea I was I was gonna get out of this debt but it wasn't gonna stop me from doing comedy it was it wasn't gonna stop me from being a dad well guess what that didn't fucking work you know but that whole fucking journey man that whole thing that's a fucking chapter and a half in a book about those 12 fucking months those gaps yeah but listen you know one of I was thinking

about this also after we talked the other day because I thought I felt like I would you apology that you didn't feel like I owed you but I needed to say it I had needed to say it for a little while right but we've we've been on a ride like there have been times over those 22 years where we didn't talk about no no no things are going the wrong direction yeah there was a long I remember 2005 2004 I started getting really angry the coke I started getting a little mean at people you one of those people like I just didn't have time I was I wanted to stop doing this shit and I couldn't yeah and I was frustrated I was getting

roles now and I'm still they're still not giving me an agency I'm still not with a fucking manager I just busted a role in Adam Sandler movie 63 million and you can't give me a fucking run off the cuff for 90 days and submit me for big movies it was starting to get frustrating you know I'm saying I was going to meetings and every meeting bust but I always found cocaine money you know when I was doing those joy karate videos some guy gave me 30 grand for a fucking little deal those we don't reach videos we shot none those were some of my favorite videos you just have seen them you just didn't shoot a video no yeah

tomorrow we treated them like that kid remember car Nick if you're out there we still we still love your brother it was fucked up it was just a bad time in my life but it's so weird how you put that 22 you know I still remember your apartment with with the fucking great Dane three kids your brother and you close everywhere nobody knows about these things nobody knows about me living on your couch and that chick knocking on the door with no jaw and me going back to the apartment and then she would steal weed from the dude yeah give it to you and sell it to you for 20 bucks yeah a chick with no jaw well she had a yeah

yeah yeah yeah this journey ladies and gentlemen has been phenomenal for both of us we both ended up with children I mean here's a fucking raised I mean when that kid was five you were the only person that could get Jacob to sleep oh yeah yeah yeah I was always you were like you were the only guy you put on sublime you put that fucking album on the bottom line oh my oh but you would and he would cry but you would just hold them just like that yeah it's smothered him right to sleep he liked how I smell like cheeseburg I'll never forget one time the Gavin's will watch him and I'm like I gotta go over there I know they're

not fucking sure I was I pull up I can hear the kid crying I ran upstairs it's a turn off the lights put on some line kid was out that's scream oh my god but that's you know that's one of the things that they don't tell you when you have kids the people coming check on them no that is that they can scream for it fucking ever as loud as they want our dear friend Damon his family wanted to be very nice and got his whole family tickets to Orlando Florida he said he got on the plane and the Lewis one the two-year-old out of nowhere at the one hour mark just started crying loud loud and didn't stop to the plane landed she

goes people giving a dirty looks people yelling that it was just horrible like they felt terrible as parents they can scream for wife the wife cried when they landed you know you do know that I used to make my kids drink Benadryl before we get on plane yeah I don't blame you I was no fuck that I was flying three kids by myself and by the time they were trained we would go to the airport and Jacob would be like they would all understand like I said alright everybody drink your juice and they would ask for the juice before they got on the plane and I would dose them up because I didn't want to be that fucking guy cuz

this was before iPads it was before the screens and the fucking you just had to entertain your kids and I didn't want to be that guy with three fucking screaming kids right now I'm down the aisle now I'd rather dose them up it's so crazy at the journey to become a comedian or anything else you want to endure it's tough enough but then you had a child to that journey early on like mercy came later on for us if mercy would have came in 2005 I wouldn't be together with Terry Terry being Kentucky and I'd be living here and I'd have to visit her and it's dog sniff me and shit dude it was it was hard to get sets dude it was

it was hard but I you started writing yeah you started turning around when I just started writing and then that one-man show came out of what and I wasn't writing it was the first time I had learned well I didn't learn until I started saying it but I had you know up until that point as far as comedy went I was trying to write things that people I thought people would think are funny right and instead when with the kids were and I was just me and the kids I needed it to be funny but it was also a lot of real and so I just it was almost like a diary and I started to read this fucking diary I'm like there's some

funny shit in there but are people gonna want to hear that do you know what I mean it would so I just started trying it up in the belly room and people were laughing differently than they did at the jokes that I was just kind of writing to be cute because it had a lot of truth in it and that situation raising those kids that taught me to write comedy the way it should like from truth you know what I'm saying because I fucking had nothing else what was I gonna do I couldn't couldn't get high anymore I couldn't drink cuz what the fuck who's gonna take care of the kids so I just had to get on stage and talk

weird shit about I was this is very funny it's 2003 maybe 2002 my drug problem is I'm doing whatever I play Fresno on a Friday night but there's a catch that I'm gonna get off the plane on Saturday and go to your house at six because you were going to Vegas you your cousins yeah people so the lineup and Fresno is me Felipe it was a pretty good lineup but for some reason Silent Bob was there and he did like a guest spot mm-hmm it's gotta be 2003 we do the show it was the black promoter who was also a football coach a high school football coach very sweetheart of a guy yeah I heard from him maybe ten years ago he

tried to always put gigs together and pay you correctly he was the first guy that gave us 500 ounce per show when everybody else was giving you 300 200 you give you 500 you drove up there and you got a hotel I don't know how far Fresno is three hours yeah something like that so I agree to it you call me I agree to your deal come over at six watch them we'll be back Sunday night but somebody was coming over like Sunday afternoon mm-hmm this is gonna be this gonna blow your mind so I do the show in Fresno I get off the fucking stage and I'm judging for a package you know how it is yeah I got a nickel cash in my pocket

you know when I got $18 I'm Jones and never mind a nickel I get a couple packages I can't find nothing I can't find dick and all of a sudden there's one guy said to me are you looking to score I'm looking for anything he goes well I could get your speed I know how much he goes I get you like a $20 back do a line if you don't want to give it back in the morning at breakfast I go okay I game the fucking 20 bucks I don't know where Felipe and Silent Bob went they went to eat what was there was another girl that we hung out with in those days that was also doing a show up there so my demented cocaine mind I was in the hook

up with her and do coke and maybe eat a pussy and I was at the time so it's about 11 o'clock I go back to my room with this fucking back and I go you know what let me just do a fucking little line and I go to bed had about three packs of cigarettes in those days I traveled heavy you also went from never smoking a cigarette to smoking a pack of that I fucking went heavy I bought like three packs of cigarettes because in those days I knew I was gonna get into a pickle yeah I'm taking genius and one of Fresno there's gotta be somebody in these 400 seats that get me a package yeah but the package I got late night was the

mess the speed so I think it's the whole time room I do a fucking gaga and oh my god am I on fucking fire I was like Paulie sure the shirt came I am sweating profusely Joshua the Arizona penguin there was those old rooms at the air and the curtains come up in the air from the power you had shirt off shirt off yep and it was so fucking hot from the speed in my body I'm gonna remember guys I'm pre-55 at this time at this time was the ascent I was 350 at the time not a body made for speed the sleep apnea was in oh yeah I was blowing up every time you saw me I gained seven pounds and I did a line of this fucking speed and it

tasted great it didn't really burn my nose and it gave me a tremendous blast but the junkie piece of shit that I was not even considering Joshua I do another line of this and that one put me in orbit and I'll never forget sitting with the door open even though I was paranoid it was raining so nobody's gonna come up there in the rain at least in my junkie mind dog I was smoking cigarettes in three pugs and then Felipe came with Rodrigo I'll never forget how they looked at the ashtray when they got there at like 12 30 had already smoked the back of that after this met was for the speed was killing me they finally left at like

four they left me like three bees I jerked off I did backflips I took showers you know bro at fucking 9 I'm still awake fucking tripping balls by this time two lines two lines at 9 a.m. I'm seeing things I'm hearing the Bellman I'm hearing the maids I could smell the pancakes they're delivering to my room it was a horror shot oh my god I'm walking around with I'm walking around with sweatpants crawling on the floor looking under the door the crack I was fucked up so the guy calls the room hello Joey we're gonna pick up in 10 minutes I got sick can you do me a favor can you pay for the whole tunnel when

you're caught in something they covered the room mm-hmm and fucking fine like 11 30 after jerking off probably 17 18 times nothing was coming out just a sensation you do drinking beer yet yeah and finally I passed out I got up I went to Southwest I got in the fucking can you make it to the house fuck no I got home I had 20 pages from you had a pager in those days you were the last man on earth I didn't get the cell phone you were the last man on earth with that fucking pink pager oh my god that fucking leave a pink pager because that's how I rang that's what that's what JJ the King of Beepers had he fucking

refused to get a cell phone and you were like what do I need a cell phone for I'm like to fucking talk to people on the phone listen to me in 2004 I had so many fucking credit is looking for me oh yeah they were lining up where were you living in 2004 2004 I was living that wasn't the YMCA place yeah I was living with Terry and I was I would get coked up and live at 1440 God I was hanging out with Jody and Celine got rest of soul gentry and in those nights where I fell asleep cuz you know me once I got alcohol in me I'm not getting behind a wheel that that motivation is I don't need to get home that bad you never a

drinker no but I will stop drinking at one I'll get that card for even though I'm a little coked up I'll take the secret route and just be real cool real fucking cool I got coke in the trunk hidden just in case the cops pull me over you know I'm saying I really got it hidden yeah you preheat your coke yes if I was driving home and it was four or five in the morning sometimes I took sunset that's a fucking chance cuz they know I don't know they would park on sunset La Brea you never got into though cuz we went through that two or three-year period where we took a lot of ecstasy but you never got into that shit

at all right no because I already had a drug problem with cocaine now I'm gonna open the door for ecstasy that'll really kill me but you wouldn't you open the door for heroin I know heroin I had done in prison I was familiar with heroin did I like it at that time I wasn't sure but in 93 I was living with Georgie was my roommate who was now in San Diego Comic-Con with a booth by the way at that day Georgie in those days when I lived with George was me and him in a bedroom he slept on the couch I slept on a single kids bed my feet hung over the bed that was the cost and we wanted to do comedy in New York City

as an open mic sometimes I drove a limo sometimes I drove a fucking sometimes I delivered sandwiches for hash way or sometimes I just sold cars I had three suits one white shirt it was fucking my whole life was a scam I would get home from selling cars like the first thing I did was after I did the first line of coke was wash my shirt do you do you still have those pictures of you on stage in the 3p suit have you shown people those you know he used to perform in a 3p suit and you used to fuck here's what was crazy about you every night he's performing a 3p suit and in the big shows okay but what was

crazy like when you first started on stage mmm off stage you were the funniest fucking person ever and there was that the switch for you was when you stopped writing jokes at home like just being a joke teller and just being yourself on stage that was the fucking that happened that happened a couple years after you were here the first the first growth was 99 when me and Carol broke up yeah that was it that's that's when you realize and it happened to you also you know I wasn't surprised you got two deals and all this shit because you were living somebody else's problems it's a tough way to advance your life and a lot of

people listen to the show know what I'm talking about when you date a guy or a girl they hooked on drugs or something's going on that ain't right and you're fucking instead of taking care your shit you know you're worried about what the fuck the other person yeah you know with Carol you don't know she's suckling dick or taking the ass $200 so you know it was fucking crazy with her that shit wears on your soul and the when Jesus showed up with the tortilla was when we won Gavin's block and she had the mace and I had the fucking steak the frozen steak to hit her with it because we had just bought steaks that barbecue and

also we get into a fight and that was it like I looked at it I go what the fuck am I doing in my life but that was 99 that was 99 and then I could my car got towed I went to Miami for three or four weeks he paid me 400 a week I bought a bunch of clothes down there because in Miami that the clothes is cheap two dollars for shirts so I went down there and bought a bunch of clothes I got a little my bearings back and then I came back and I went from couch to fucking couch man yeah but you don't forget about a matey's car that's a complete different chapter poor and poor a matey are you how many tickets did you get in

that car over 50 right I mean you got over over easily it was such a frustration I can never pay for the registration wait that was my that was I can have that car and camouflage and those black ticket chicks would come over and fucking find them and give it to you had over 50 oh my god I was flat fucking broke the biggest income I had with those days was finding cell phones at the comedy store and take them to Crenshaw and sell them to the bank robbers for 40 a cell phone you know I had a thousand forty dollar scams going on if there's got really tough you went down to the improv and you asked them to let me

see the checkbox yeah and you went we did that and whoever had the most checks you just took like five we did that we did sign them in the positive I the one you couldn't take who had the most checks drew carry had like a hundred checks in there that was when he was doing whose line live twice a week and they were like $75 checks so he didn't fucking care but there was like oh that was also the time that those $5,000 checks were being sent to my house from that dude who runs happy Madison with Adam Sandler yeah that's the apartment they had before you moved in and you were trying to convince me to cash the checks but it

was crazy because that's how much money he was making at the time residual checks were coming to different edges I mean he didn't even know no there had to be at one point twenty thirty thousand dollars I told I told you yeah yeah cuz yeah he was the producer on fucking all those Jack Gerard repeater or some type of Peter yeah hysterical he ended up fucking hate me at the end of the longest he wasn't the nicest guy in the world or isn't the nicest guy I mean you know he took me off the poster he did a lot of things at the end he put me last with the characters I heard that he was opting to cut a lot of my scenes and

Adam was like are you fucking crazy yeah well within if we had known that we would have cashed those fucking checks what did he what did he say when you called him and said you had 30 grand for him we didn't call him we didn't call him we just kept the checks there just in case things got fucked up I'm gonna make a quick getaway you know what I'm saying I remember saying I remember this is I remember saying to you you go we got a cash on those checks I go Joey King can she's checks there's like $30,000 there and you he said Josh Wolf if you had $30,000 with the checks would you know where they are and I was like yeah

he goes this guy's got so much money he doesn't fucking know where $30,000 but this is the thing I told I just told Lydia that Sunday mornings I don't fuck around when I got off the plane and mom is in church with the baby yeah I said I take my plane tickets how they staple them I take my two uber receipts I put them together I write it all out I write the fucking travel the amount I staple him by the time my wife comes home she's got all the receipts everything for the weekend I check my Facebook I check the bank account make sure there's no Hankie-Pankie in that hotel do you check the bank out always every every day

every day you never know people tell you that people are robbing people every fucking day you gotta go to this bank yeah that bank you gotta get cash eventually somebody's gonna rob you the debt you know I was Vegas you put your car in one of those machines you're done that goes to Hong Kong on a fucking waiting list and when they really next holiday you're gonna wake up and somebody's gonna buy fucking bicycles 20 bicycles Jacob just had like $500 worth of charges in Tokyo it's terrible yeah but Joey told me that one day he or I'm gonna be so rich that I'm gonna just go to the bank and like just count my money

every day like just we'll be like let me in and count the money how do you torture it Joe you hold them down you take go take them to the ATM machine you put his pin number in and you just keep taking 20s and light them on fire no no they're like four girls hold on let's tell me about it Doug what how are we doing on a Monday all the spirits of debt out there we love you cocksuckers I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart have those stars hit you some yeah but I have a pretty high tolerance okay but your your eyes aren't open at all no yeah last week of July people

August 1st is coming well two weeks from preseason football then where you're gonna fuck it who take turn off the music we do that's Tony Bennett drop with him Sam who'll leave you to learn that oxygen fucked me up that miss me really just for like 30 seconds in the 50s and these eyeballs look at the shape of those twilight no parole you want some of that oxygen not really I guess I'm doing fine over here I mean let me tell you something let me tell you something let me tell you what the fucking party is or what's your favorite sandwich in town right now oh am I here in LA or just in general right here ten

minutes we go we can sit on like gentlemen I'll say the chicken Parma Domingos okay let's pretend tomorrow we got a chicken we'll tell judge we'll we'll put that oxygen on you for 10 15 minutes then the sandwich will come and we'll let you eat the sandwich with the air holes in your nose okay you don't know what food is to you know I'm saying he doesn't know nothing about this shit I'll put you a different we gotta tap that oxygen man so I get some fucking chemicals to put in the mix with the oxygen dude you can go get one of those on Van Nights Boulevard don't tell him that much if you can rent it for 75 bucks

a month oh I'm gonna be there too much oxygen I can't breathe I gotta have oxygen yes he was like the police told me 75 $75 a month and how many times they fill it up well it depends how much you go through it so 75 to rent it right now and if I have to go back and rent it again I think it's $20 to fill it up again but if you run it straight you can run it straight for two and a half hours that way you did it for like three a day he's just not like do it all day what if I do a half hour a day we I'm not I have no idea I want to do it every day though yeah why not in the morning when I'm writing with coffee you blast

the half hour this in your fucking lung stream and your bloodstream I'm telling you the oxygen fucking ideally is great it's happening you go to different part like when you go to the Pittsburgh improv there's a lot of trees you know in the back of my there really is when you go to these towns there's a lot of trees right on the river there it's right in the river then I always in the back of my mind I'm no fucking scientist but I thought that trees always made oxygen or carbon monoxide or something yeah yeah trees is where all that stuff comes on even go buy a tree and your mind for some reason you feel a little

cold like if you go to North Hollywood Park tomorrow I'm gonna go to Hollywood Park get out of your car walking to the middle of the park with a sunshine there's those trees but if you go under them the sun hasn't shined there in 20 years yeah and for some reason there's like a little cold vapor in my back of my mind kettlebells I'll always go in that little cold vapor and breathe you go you do kettlebells at the park I used to at that park it's a nice place to go bro I'm surprised I didn't get a heart attack I would go in and do 10 sets of 10 swings in 10 minutes and then I would do those farmer walks back and forth and then I

would do fucking those squats I thought I was Johnny Gonzo somebody came to me and dogs stop doing that shit you're dying apart I just fucking the grease out of you I would get a suntan I'm doing that shit can I just ask a question was just shade do you think it's shade that's what it's called yeah it was something different than just shade no if you go there early in the morning in fact that park has a weird thing it does have a heat one thank you right real close to the 170 inches gravity drop you don't gravity the trail yeah drops it's really bizarre

and drops are about 30 yards correctly 30 40 yards yeah probably maybe I'll take you there tomorrow at 3 30 afternoon we'll start we'll park and we'll start by the side and we will walk the long way and see what happens when you get to that corner why change temperature crazy crazy really changes tap it drops because the Sun don't hit that foot that the I thought you were talking about the hot corner no it's a it's a it's a I thought it was a cooler corner you've been there more so you're probably right I thought it was a hot corner I used to get third base no this was a very you get and it's weird it gets cool and then

again it gets really fucking hot and then you're back in misery like wow remember that town in New Jersey that you put your car you drove over the you put your car in neutral and they pulled you up the hill or something like that there's those type of gravity pockets that I believe they exist and when you're under a tree if it's shooting out oxygen you're right there you're the first recipient of it you know before anybody breathes this shit yeah you got the first in line right I'll get the cleanest oxygen that's right yeah I think I have the next idea for us Joey I don't want to text books audio textbooks and you could

just read the science textbooks oh my god or you could just write a science textbook from the things that he says that's what I think you should do all this you should put it all together this is basic science this isn't like a genius science 101 this is basic fucking science that's the name of the book I think this is what you call basic fucking science will also happen that I don't get rid of a sore throat you could do Jewish lightning I could do all your lessons you could do the peanut from from fucking right I'm with the peanut allergy yeah listen to me from you gotta realize that from let's be

fucking strictly strictly honest here from 83 and aspen when I was pissing blood out of my ass and I went to the doctor and he had a begins of an ulcer and he put me on the pink stuff that you drink and he would talk to me there be a chapter in the pink this guy was a fucking family doctor they make me come in there every weekend talking like a psychiatrist and asked me how I was doing he didn't want to prescribe any heavy drugs which I wasn't looking again and he really helped me he told me I love my blood pressure but after that dude nassman and 83 I didn't go to the doctor dog to 95 and bold on a cold wintery

night I got a toothache that turned into an ear infection I had the toothache for like a month you know me a toothache that toothache that turned into an ear infection yeah like it was that bad I had to go to get penicillin the whole fucking deal that even when I got here I had that mola oh yeah it would swell up and I would squeeze it and possibly shoot out of it so if I hated you I'd sit behind you Lee and I would squeeze and you see go and it was a little shot of felt like an inch of puss disgusting I'm surprised a lot because people died from that shit you didn't call a dentist you gotta go I finally got really fucked

up one day I had sag and I didn't know and I went to see the sign I'd ask no I didn't know they asked like I told him I think so I'm with sag and I never saw a bill never came up in my credit report you'd have to do by the way if you're gonna do this that fuck basic fucking science you'd have to do the chapter about the fat ball fat ball on my you have to do a chapter about what about the time my mother got me please don't spill the beans please don't spill the beans was a very popular game in the 60s 70s and 80s it was you played against somebody else and you had a bunch of beans there was already a bunch of beans

in the so-called kettle and you would put beans in there and they would rock back and forth and whoever knocked over the beans lost that was the object of the game and I got to be about seven and a half and this is what I get for Christmas and it's Christmas week and I'm playing my little fucking games on watching my little Spanish Spanish soap opera those days my mom was in Jersey bartending at the bar and I'm there with a baby so baby says they on the room watching her TV and I'm playing with this fucking peanut game and I finally what the fuck what if I put this peanut in my nose

you all do that shit put the peanut in my nose you pop it out you put it on the other side you pop it out you even put it in and take a chance and also you pop it out and then you know what fuck my ears fuck my nose let's pop it in my ear so I popped it in my fucking ear kept doing it popped it out I don't know what I was watching one time I popped it didn't come on fuck it I'll leave it there see what happened how will be I had to be about seven and a half it was December the week of Christmas I forget all about the bean though I never think about this being again what it would come to mind from time to time would it

interest on thing nothing or you couldn't hear it or want to hear no I don't know I just may believe it wasn't in there I thought it disintegrated so finally one day like in man a real bean one day like in May my face swells up my my my oh no no I was don't guys I was a stubborn my guys you have no idea and I left it in there Josh Wolf huh for a month I would have her up all night in pain she would put hot oil in there and sat to read stuff and nothing work and finally like in July she took me to see the cyanide they took me in there dog they looked they had to scan this they go there's something in there you put something

like oh no no no the next thing you know the doctor lays me down and he takes this fucking suction thing he sticks it in my ear for like fucking three minutes the bean don't come out and then he goes we're going in deep and he went with those fucking things yeah you stretch out your ears that's where that came from and that's where he put the hose in there and all of a sudden it's like and all of a sudden they turn me over and what came out of my ear was just the bean came out the bean was cooked my mother sizzled the hot oil it was all burnt this shit but under there

was a fucking mess I will never ever fucking mind it was like pieces of a candle with blood on them we're just coming out of my ear things I pay for that today today I think I gotta fuck the beer because things getting in my when I'm sleeping things get in my in my ears and those are mouth is one of my biggest fears Beth my wife's cousin when he was a kid woke up and there was a cockroach crawling into his mouth except right he slept with a stalking on his face until he was like 16 years old he was so scared something was gonna crawl into his mouth again he slept with his mom's talking on his head till I'm

assuming he tried to get laid but he hey slept fucking talking I was gonna ask if there was some sort of guard you could put over yeah fucking stalking that's what I would have done no that's one of my biggest fears I'm crawling into my ear when I'm sleeping or my mouth fuck that that's a spy a spider waking up waking up with a spider on my face or something like that that that shit scares a shit out of me that you you've never woken up with a like a bug in your bed I'm sure I have dude it's the worst that feeling that spider on you to wake you up is like no I don't think about when I first moved here I had all

those ants like those little mini ants they crawl on you when you were sleeping no they didn't call but they might have because they were right next to my bed I was in like one of those little old 1920 bungalow things but you've never had eight million ants you've never had pretty shit the stuff you used to pull out of your nose dude was like does he do that to you did you ever eat it in front of you yeah he knows that fucking kills me more that was with my wife Nicholas I got a little problem is I got a thing here like I'll show it to you get the light I don't know that's right we don't even see it Joey it's like a little

pimple but that pimple has a hole and it fills up and I gotta catch it at the right time and I will squeeze that thing and it's just not I don't even know why we're talking about this it's it's gotta be an inch and a half it's beautiful all-american snot that comes on my you name it no I don't name it because by that time I eat it I'm not gonna name I'm gonna eat them it's a disgusting habit but guess what I saw my daughter eating one of his nuts here then I told her you can't do that shit because it's not good I think it's a family thing we loved it no and once I discovered cocaine I really loved cocaine

snot is why I really started loving eating my snot because cocaine snot showed up when you needed it the most dude we did the last boost in life once you gave up nobody's gonna lend you $50 the worst part about this is that he's talking about a history of doing it it's all that means he's eating it's all terrible oh you do blow for three days Lee right and then you sleep for a day what do you think when you wake up happens the first thing you wake up that time I don't know Josh will tell you have a bunch of boogie snot sir sugar sugar it's horrible yeah the first thing you do as you're pissing and looking

at yourself in the mirror and looking at whoever fell asleep in your house we're doing blowers as you're pissing you're already taking the toilet paper out and you snap it and you blow your nose and anybody who's done cocaine has looked at that first blow in the morning I would take that fucking snot I wouldn't even blow it I'd blow it into my head like a savage and it would come on and peel those last roots out like you gotta peel those last pieces I do like when there's roots I'll be honest about that it does feel good and there was chunkers of coke I mean how you won't be the lie I can't you know I did it and

I did it mostly when I snore and blow but anyway I don't want to talk about this shit well just after the conversation we had I thought for an hour like the rises of us that we had the falls that the shows to what could of us we're still here 23 years later and Brody's been here 20 of those years with us I mean this is pretty fucking cool that was still here you sent me that picture of our first lineup together yeah we're still at the store last night you had a 10 to 9 I had a 10 to 9 just to think that this started 23 years ago and nobody knew what the fuck we're doing nobody really knew but you

know here's what happened is like the quitters lose that's basically what happened at when we first started everybody's about as funny do you know what I mean everybody's the same I always say that all right listen there's no the funniest person on the planet his name is ace freely that's the funniest human being on the planet today he's a top top top up there with Dave Chappelle but it's then it's hard work and then it's who's gonna keep going that's what it is when when you sent me that picture of that first lineup we were on there was only three names that are still doing comedy me you and Chappelle that was

the other name on the list of people still doing comedy that was it but here's what happens people come out here they come out with a dream they get a time set and they give themselves a time set or something and they stick out the comedy store for 10 years and things don't happen you know what Josh will they go back to St. Louis they hook up with family again and if they're real comics they find a way to make a living they came they saw they conquered as long as they could the Steve Cooper wrote a beautiful Steve Cooper set up to 20 something years my dream didn't come true I didn't make a lot of money yeah

but I got to meet a nice people going back to Philadelphia and live like a normal human being you know he gave it a try yeah the podcast of successful you know I see as we still alive on on Facebook he's still but here's that's thing is we kept what's that word we kept persevering we kept going dude no but the stuff we know what we kept doing is we kept evolving see we a lot of people come in this day this is what we do and this is what I do and they don't evolve as artists you're so much different dude as an as a comic and just like as an artist and as a creative thinker then you can sit down and write

now yeah I love it but you never could you could never ever ever do that sit down and write fuck no reading this book that's making me a writing Nazi so to look today I went down there and even if it was old jokes I wrote them out just to see where the gaps were my timing I gotta go to work Joshua you know we want to get to the next fucking Sentinel here but that's the difference I like giving people a good show when that half hour is not there I feel fucking guilty if I give you the first half hour it's new fuck it let's rock and roll I don't even want you to see my full hour because I want you to fucking special

anyway right so I'm not showing up with no fucking new hour for you because half of it's gonna be on the special let me show up with 30 minutes or a new shit that's gonna blow your mind and you know 20 minutes oh shit an old clothes or whatever I can't accept that but that's what you were saying earlier on the phone when you were talking about the difference between being able to tour with an album we don't tour what once you put out that special you can't do it again we told to develop that yeah and then we put the tour route we put the special out and you've already seen three quarters of material right because

you were there in Buffalo the week before we fucking shot it so those that 2,000 people that came to that weekend also the people throughout the year or year and a half however long it took you there you've been working that material on the road when you put out a special they're like always we fucking saw that we saw that special whereas with musicians they tour on they put out the album first and they tour on their album it's completely it's completely opposite right well I mean don't you think I mean what I would think it has to do with is that comedy has to do with surprise mostly do you think once it

goes down like there are some specials that hold up but I think most of them the first time you watch it's gonna be the best time but do you think people want to come and hear jokes from the special do you think some people want to hear some of the jokes I do I go back to music I go back to music and I say to myself you know what in fact I was listening to somebody other than they went to see Metallica one of those guys on Ozzy's Boneyard and he said you know what I was very disappointed because they played all new stuff I wanted to hear puppets of whatever and this and destruction and you know people go to

Led Zeppelin they don't want to hear new shit they want to hear stay with heaven rock and roll Joe want to hear we saw we saw Bob Dylan he didn't play one hit one fucking hit he played out at that that concert out in the desert last year with Dylan and the Stones and the who and all those guys right so we went and saw and I was not too excited to see Dylan but I wanted as long as he's alive let's go say and we've seen him he didn't play one hit he didn't play one song that anybody knew it and it know he played tangled up in blue but he rearranged it to the point and I was like what the fuck is he doing here we

don't want to hear your new if the if they who had come out and played a new album we'd have been like no no no who's next who are you that's what we want to hear though I want you to open up with three songs that blow my fucking heart apart and then take a warm up talk to us the five minutes and say listen we're telling you people first we're taking the who on the road next year this is one of the new songs in the album that's nobody heard we love you Indiana don't that by the way that's what the Stones did that's how you sell yeah a new song you don't sell a new song like that I used to get fucking pissed

when a band I wanted to go see and I had a thing in my mind what they were gonna open up with and they opened up with something different because I heard the night before in Philly they opened up with this like in those days you found out all when Philly opened up with fucking whatever hell bent for leather you're like all right they're gonna open up with hell bent for leather in the city and all your buddies and you were going there but I say no they're gonna open up with screamer the vengeance but you knew you heard it the night before they're opening up with how bad for that and you don't be waiting to see what the

answer was all sudden fucking hell bent for letting your buddies go fuck you I don't think you're dealing with a bitch I call for a don't feel as much the one thing I don't like though with comedians I don't mind if you do stuff from the special on the road but I don't like if you do like one special and then the next special has the same jokes as the first special I've never seen that before oh I have who I don't want to speak bad of him because he was very nice to me but John Panette he had a couple specials that were just huh rest his soul very he was very nice funny fucking guy you know he was hysterical that and

the reason why it hurt me so much was because that was my family sat down and watched that special I say nanny nanny that was one of the funny I still watch it now it's it's hysterical but it's also different like because if you go see journey and they don't play you know don't stop believing whatever your song is you're gonna be fucking mad but if you go see such a pal do you want to hear a joke you've already heard or do you want to hear what what he's got now okay I'm a fan of chappell since before the fucking show the show okay I remember one of his albums before that or something and that was it I saw two

of the three specials that are on Netflix but let's pretend I was a fan of chappell from the show and I was paying $65 something for these tickets I know chappell is brilliant enough that he's gonna do the first 30 it's no stop because chappell could do that he does it every night mm-hmm his first 30 is always new you got nothing to lose no he takes you one direction for 25 minutes an old joke he read does it what do you give a fuck the audience is laughing the show's over that's what you want to see you know if you go on the Bogota webpage I'm the cheapest tickets for a comic their comic stand they charge a lot of

money and I gotta tell you something I got some bad-ass credits and they got a lot of money I could have raised those tickets but I don't see it they're talking themselves out of a market dude let you know I used to tour there the cable guy right so he his theory was always his ticket was never more than 4750 didn't matter where the seat was didn't matter anything like 4750 was the price of the ticket because his deal was I would rather have more fans I don't want to price my I don't want to give a hundred dollar ticket I'd rather sell 10,000 tickets at the 50 then 5,000 tickets at the 100 because one more

fans but two that's twice as many people buying merch do you know what I mean and like you're not pricing people out you're not making them feel bad about buying the ticket no that's you that's the smart thing to do because you keep your fans your fans never think that you're raising the prices above them it's definitely the way to go but he did he used to do I mean we sold we he sold 53,000 tickets he sold out that in a brand that Cornhusker Stadium because he couldn't do the whole stadium because the stage was up against one of the walls he saw 53,000 fucking take your power Larry the cable guy 53,000 in

that stadium and then he donated the tickets whatever he made off the tickets to a charity didn't keep it didn't keep his cut he donated it all 53,000 on the 4th of July what do you do after they they postponed the fireworks until the next night because he did it on the 4th and everybody at the 10 the town was in I think I'm remembering that right somebody might correct me but I'm pretty sure that's what happened they moved it one night because he wanted to do his show on the 4th of July that's how many fucking people were there they moved the fireworks oh and dude somebody somebody this old dude was parachuting into the

stadium right they are pretending to be him right and dressed like him and it was his last jump out of a plane ever right and this was his big retirement jump so he jumps out of the plane he's dressed as Larry and you hear the voiceover I'm coming down everybody you know whatever it is and then the wind kicks up and we're like oh no you could see him start to do the pulleys you know what I mean and we're like no he's gonna overshoot this because he's supposed to land on the grass hit the grass running run behind the stage and then take his the parachute off and then Dan Larry runs out on stage dressed the same way so it

looks like he well he overshot the grass by about 15 yards and landed straight into the empty cement bleachers broke his cock it coxic you know that thing that basically I think is your pelvic bone right the coxic but did the show couldn't start until he got up and ran behind the stage so we're like we're watching the wind go and I'm like oh he's not gonna make it he's starting to do the pulley things do the pulley things and he hits that cement and we were everyone in the stands thought it was like part of the thing so everyone is stating was like and we were all like oh no and he kind of you could see him

kind of struggle to get up and he kind of waves his hand over cuz he's got a broken coccyx but everyone on the production team is like no you got to come over here right dude rolls over and listen rolls over this was his retirement jump he was like 68 years old right this is where he was gonna wave goodbye to everybody crashes into the bleachers and he finally makes it behind and collapses and they fix up his whatever pull it out and fucking ambulance but that poor old fella that was his last jump I bet there was someone in the ambulance like I know you hurt yourself but next time you you

really should have just ran a little fast oh no you should when the wind kicked up everybody in production was like this is not gonna end well for this guy this is not good for him but doing comedy in front of that many people was terrible I think that the comedy is not made for that that size crowd because the the laughter would come and then I'd start my joke again and then the laughter would come from people that far away I don't care how big you get that's just a little too big for me you don't have control no what's your oh what's your what's the size you like the most 400 seats in a small

comedy club with bricks yeah old-school like the underground you know I know there's a lot of comics that listen to the show that comedy underground was my favorite there's a lot of young comics that listen to this show and I applaud you for trying comedy and sticking with it and you know I know what the fuck we both know what the fuck you are I still remember it being 1996 and the black dude who played the piano for Stephanie thing came up to the underground on Fridays and Saturdays whenever Fridays and Saturdays with big comic came me and Joshua always wiggle our way into that fucking into that thing this is 1997 one

of us had that mc spot this is 21 years ago people just to let you know how hard you got to stay in this we're talking about living in a shitty apartment we're talking about like living a car you remember Mark's dog Mark remember Mark Gardner I live with Mark Gardner and his his dog used to just shit in the living room you remember that Dalmatian that fucking Dalmatian I walked into the house and it's so dirty I ran back to Cal and told I loved it he used to let his dog shit in the living room when we were watching TV he was cooking that black stuff the bones with all the grass oh my god no idea and I was doing sports

booking out of that sports buddy yeah in the back room and that's what the guys call me and threaten me and shit if you keep doing it we're gonna fly out there and fuck you up you know it's just to let you people know what the real struggle and we're still here this is fucking real he moved to LA maybe six or seven months before I did and we used to go down to the movies to pick up stand-hold and we did not the improv together in the car right I mean this is 1997 what street did stand-hold live on her son right you were on vitt and vista vista Ralphie was on Schrainer and Nick the Apollo and Mitch Hedberg were on with

Chibo is yeah this is this is a comedy fucking neighborhood and when I told people we'd go down to Gorky Park when we moved there Gorky Park had nickel bags you go by we done yeah and we could go down and play tennis fuck yeah 20 fucking you dug in this was a big fucking grow when you were when we were first starting when you first got here what was your goal for sets per week I know you had no I listen when I first got here I was very scared but I knew I had it out with Carol you know I had it out I was putting away a little money I would clip every night for an extra 50 from the stocking when she

stripped I had a taxa so I had a little put away but wait but you didn't know but when you first when you first started because you kept that notebook man we all had I kept a notebook about every set and what I did and all that shit and I had a for me I wanted to do seven sets a week that was the goal I just listen we would come from I came from Colorado where I was doing four sets a week and I drove eight hours to do those sets but you were doing more in four sets in Seattle Seattle Seattle I went up to 30 sets a month yeah and we were fucking working Monday the underground then we went to that bar up top whether

there was cages and we used to come up there that was that was Monday night was that Dave Henderson's batting cage place was that no no there was no batting cage there were the cages where women go into oh it was a very bush war type of place that on Monday night so we leave the underground open mic which was a fucking you know when I think of the underground if I close my eyes and I think hard about the underground open mic on Monday how can you describe that that was the first thing I think of his Carl honestly the first thing I think about his Carl and his in his little was a hat called not a fedora but you know

the thing the French guys he was brave they would help you I don't wear he would help you write jokes he would comment on your sets whether they were good or bad sometimes he'd comment negatively he would buy he bust your balls yeah he was yeah he was the nicest guy in the world nicest guy in the world got your work you know what else but you know the thing about that open mic that is different than any open mic that I've ever been to since is that comics we sat there to help each other it was very helpful yeah it was a great deal when I first got they put me up first when I left that was going up

number 16 your that was tremendous in there your you cracked a comedian this was more than I've ever seen anybody get cracked on stage you remember that dude who used to when he did impressions he do impersonations yeah yeah so this is an impersonation he would say this is an impersonation of blah blah this is an impersonation of whatever this is an impersonation of whatever and Joey went time-scream do your impersonation of a comic and he just fucking never came back it was a very eclectic set about that yeah it was a very you know for guys who was struggling guys I don't want you that we just did a podcast and

this just happened this is what I'm a 19 everything from Rita oh six Reno who was the first transsexual she kept a dick on a jaw and she fell off stage I lived with her for a month and she was dealing blow biggest head in the world it was like a fucking party little you lived with the road Rita oh for a month I had to call the president of the United States to complain about that room up in that ballard that we went to that time yeah I wouldn't let us curse it was an open Mike way and bow on Thursday nights what was the name of the dude who ran giggles Terry the worst Terry the worst guy ever I loved them not Terry

the Mormon but that I like the guy before Terry the woman the guy before Terry the Mormon was a Vietnam vet that got shot down and he forgot shit and I tormented them what a fucking comedy thing this is and then we met like bookers and we would do local gigs I still remember Pat Wilson Pat Wilson you know guys this was one night is she had a fucking army base on Friday night you think you're performing in front of shitty places at this point I'm doing comedy six years I don't know nothing about nothing and the contest came I did a feature I opened up the Lori Kilmorton it was my first feature spot

and they said Joey stay I was doing nothing in Boulder but I was just like go to jail it was no matter where I was it was going to be bad anyway so at least let me do my comedy in Boulder it was tough to do comedy and be an open Mike that was a tough mark in front with Joey I had to drive to Wyoming every other Thursday for free for one night or one night open Mike you know but great audience the guy would give me like 40 bucks you know it's an hour and a half drive you gotta catch it they had a Chinese restaurant up there that was pretty fucking yummy it was New York style they were left over they were

left over there from the old heroin days when did you feel like there's that time when you're doing stand-up where you start to feel like all the wheels are on the track like you just fucking kind of get it how long ago was after you the first time I knew the wheels were on the track was January of 95 I knew I was on to something not something big but I knew I was on to something that I might be able to make a small living doing and if I could stay off the drugs if I can manage away maybe I could do something with this but for right now I just want to make money and get out of the environment that I'm in that's how I

looked at it when people offered me those road gigs yes it was about the states time but it was also about getting out of the environment I was in so comedy like kind of saved me at that time I kept doing it and doing it and Seattle 95 the first time I got to Seattle in June July like first of 1995 I got there on a Saturday and Carol I got down a Friday night like a four in the morning we got up early I must have had like 300 dollars in my pocket we got up early wore some restaurant for breakfast with eggs and shit and water outside and then we started walking and I saw that coming on the ground sick

the sign yeah the Joker on the yeah yeah I saw that my heart stopped I had seen it for years in that comedy newspaper that was one of my goals was to perform there holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck I'm walking past a place that's the last year at night I opened this newspaper up in front and I slug coke and the back of my mind I go something I'm gonna be good I'd be all coked up and here I am in front of it I got the fucking number down and I started calling that motherfucker why aren't you answering it's 11 in the morning on a Saturday you know like I'm like where the fuck I want to perform there like I'm ready like that was I got

fucking wired up and I call me I know you can't come up but come and sign up for the Monday night and I walked in there and there you were with a fucking hat on with a jersey on oh yeah Johnny attitude and you said come around and do the open mic I don't know what's going on and you had to leave because you had to go bartend yeah and I did the open mic and I was blown away and he was come back tomorrow night that was it Carl ran that the way open mic should be ran run though he really did like he he let he let the lunatics run the asylum as long as it stayed in the pyramid as he wanted but he allowed us to be as creative as he wanted he didn't

if you went on stage and did three or five minutes every week of new shit that was ridiculous he let Brody bring that homeless clown on stage he really didn't care he just wanted you to get on stage and do something that was true to you he was the best this is why you stick with comedy people I know it's kind of rough in the beginning or anything that you're doing any art that you're doing but from time to time I'm talking if you're doing it right and if you're really working put your soul to it every 60 and 90 days you should see like this something happens something happens that gives you hope to keep you alive for another 60 and 90 days and the first time it happened for me was maybe January 2 of 95 so I moved to Seattle in

July of 95 with not big expectations I'm expecting to be a shitty comic in a really good market but then something dawns on me yeah that good they're great comics but there ain't nobody appealing me and there's a bunch of the urikas up here we might be on to a little something you know I'm saying that's how you have to think at that and that's the hook I had and after a few open mics there I just felt at home I didn't have a home in Denver I've been banned for sexual harassment I couldn't go back to that market and do those fucking sea rooms that was not me I knew that the beginning that wasn't me I was not going to do those sea rooms in Denver I was either a comedy works guy I'm not doing it that's what I'm saying Lee that type of attitude like I'm not that's the

first time I've told this to anybody when I got thrown out of the comedy works I had zero going on in my life I was about to fucking kill somebody I'm a nacre that's like taking the fucking that's like I'm calling you tomorrow and go you're banned from all three clubs you have to sit here and go what the fuck am I gonna do here you could still make a living but in Colorado when I got those two rooms that was the first decision but I'm living with Carol she's a fucking whore but she sticks her tongue in my ass and I rob her and she cooks dinner for me and you know she lets me pull her hair and spit them out and I was in fucking pain from the daughter and the divorce now one minute you work I was working on rubes I put away 28 grand the next minute you're broke and you're on your

credit cards you already wrote all the discover checks you're right I mean that was a hard place in my life you really think I was in love with Carol I was addicted to her lick in my asshole I was a freak I was a nasty asshole whenever you gave her three lines of coke it was a fucking party you can light her on fire you know she even told me like a year ago you know I don't even know why I don't just I'm so good at sucking dick and licking the asshole I mean she told me she's still doing shit how wait how old is she 50 if I'm 54 she's 49 but you know that's how deep those cuts were like we learned something we both did oh yeah you know she grew up in a fucking farm yeah a cult god knows what happened to a look she's 49 years old and she's still going

through where she them she's in Florida Florida a capital of fucking chlamydia the capital chlamydia and dirty feet she's right in the middle of that dirty because if she's not around dirty people as much as she's worth as a woman she can't be happy but she never was happy she was always trying to be a socialite that was the thing when she was with that old guy when she was 20 she wanted to be that chick from uh what's the boat titanic were you coming in there like you cigarettes and there's no work you just go on a yacht the next day and you go to a vineyard and you rent the Corvette and drive up the coast that was her life but she couldn't accept it dog it was a weird experiment for me to watch and to look at 20 years later like how deep those cuts were

from the things her parents did you know wasn't that somebody it wasn't that an uncle molester as much as her parents giving her to the cult leader and the father would sleep in one room and the cult leader would bang his wife and then bang the daughters you got to cut his toenails they told me the whole story bro but dude that's why you two lasted for as long as you did you were both broken as fuck broken yeah broken broken as I was broken as a fucking and I and all I wanted in this whole thing was just to do calmly did I want the tonight show no did I want no nothing all I wanted to do was work a little bit as a feature act make a little living get an apartment maybe maybe get being extra and we did some of that shit you know man no I never did it you we did

yeah I did some of that shit I never did it like 50 or 75 dollars a day was huge no no no no no I you know I remember booking that first commercial going on fuck no because before I booked that first commercial I'm like I'm gonna be an extra the guy the guy would hang at the comedy store in 97 and go look are you gonna work on the Titanic tomorrow and at that time we had a friend that was working on the Titanic Tina mm-hmm is she still here I don't think so I don't think so you know who is he still here remember Lauren pelts that waitress at the comedy store I asked Eleanor about her last week yes she's married to it I guess a huge you remember when I'm talking about Lauren she kind of did some comedy she did comedy and waited tables and she was working on a big agency

she lost a child but just every you know it's like right now if you like I was talking I was speaking with Lee and we're talking about a young comedian friend of ours and I said Lee this is what he needs to do if he doesn't stick to this plan it ain't gonna work how do I know we lived it you know what I had to do for me so for me when I was first starting especially living in that apartment with the kids so every day I got up and I and my goal was not my goal what I had to do was I had to do five things for myself well even if some days it could just be five phone calls but I had to make sure I did five things for myself to push my career I wouldn't go to sleep until I had done whether it was right five five minutes of jokes get on a phone to call in spots whatever it was

I made sure I did five things a day for myself and I found man the more I did that the more shit started coming to me that was for me what I had to do I had to make sure that every day I hit that goal of five things for me in my career no matter fucking what time I did them or who I had to do them with five things and when you put that amount of shit keep put that's what you do dude that's what you do you're on look how a phone call with you lasts I don't know this range is yeah could be could be 15 seconds yeah yeah I think max is like 245 but one of the man one of the one of the magic what part of the magic are you do is that you what are your thing is that you're constantly pushing your energy forward but you always do you never stop never stops but that's

why that's why you are where you are because you never stop pushing your energy for it's really funny that day I was writing about something I thought about Lee not Lee in general I did not blaming Lee for this I thought about the Milwaukee that they sell us as a young person that I'm gonna work one day through Friday and I'm gonna be successful and I'll be able to take vacations and you know buy a car on a house work all this shit and the conclusion comes one day there's a bad day where you're like wait a second I gotta work Saturdays and the next thing you know you gotta work Sundays and you do it for a while and your friends blast you and your parents blast you you're putting away a little extra money but you learn a valuable lesson that it's every day mm-hmm you

know from a certain from selling cars I learned one thing that every day at nine o'clock is a new day whatever happening yesterday happening yesterday on a new day to make a living don't give up you know and that's the mentality every day at 9 a.m. you gotta have a plan and what you say last night when we're at the store you were like as long as I find one thing one thing that's what I found one thing on stage last night that makes it a great night one thing and sometimes like I learned as much from a joke that doesn't work than from a joke that does work because I'm like oh that's obviously not something that I should ever fucking try again but last night I learned I picked up one thing for this joke that it's been a hole in the joke you know like when you keep working one part

of a joke over and over and you can't fucking find that one spot last night I found it and we've made the whole night perfect this is what was good about Seattle so I got to Seattle on a Saturday and that Friday I had Idaho I had the Moscow Idaho Friday and Saturday with Vince Valenzuela I used to go with Daryl Ennis he would drove me and we got drunk on tequila and after I got those little jobs and the Cuban guy booked me there he was booking me and after I got those jobs I'm like I'm not going back to Boulder I started the sports betting stuff I did the once I did the contest I was in yeah so I started getting a little bit of confidence being Carol where every day was a different adventure but then some that that June Doug's

Daniel came to town and I'll never forget that for that second show Friday night I had plans to do stuff with the underground I canceled it took me two days to get over with standover done that late show and I'm like this is what I'm talking about he's been wrecking rooms for 20 years I don't I don't do this it's not gonna work out for me so about I get my shit together I'm back at the underground we're doing all the whatever rooms all the Pat Wilson rooms we're doing Ron Reed's wife rooms who had great rooms I'm doing the volcano Laura Laura whatever who had room Laura Crocker and then there was the girl out of Portland Oregon that gave us rooms all through Portland yeah she gave us some she used to have the Mexican chain La Margarita yeah that Laura Crocker had

up at Bellingham and then we had Bellingham on Sundays it was a very good comedy fucking market at the time I was working every fucking weekend and I was having deep deep problems with this girl and finally I went somewhere that paid me more than usual we're living on Alchi Beach okay and uh I get like in those days if I made 350 it was a lot somebody fucked up and gave me like 600 so do I want to do I want to roam your Jones I go down and she hits me with the tax that I ordered from something she apps a yardstick from me a yardstick at least if she blows me will be even I take a full lunch we go back let's go shopping so we can cook turkey burgers and I'm thinking I'm gonna give her a stab in the shit I go back there she makes turkey burgers the best

turkey burgers you ever had in your life with a fucking marinade glaze with mushrooms and onion buns she was brilliant we're mustard it was brilliant you give credit we're credit she really watched there was some things she could cook and at the end of this she goes well what are you gonna do tonight I go what do you mean I gotta do she goes it's Monday I gotta strip and you can't stay in my house no more we have restraining going around each other I go so wait a second I just you took me for a yardstick then you got me for a yardstick and groceries an alchime market which is for fucking things then you took me for another yardstick for lunch and now you're telling me I can't sleep here tonight and give you a little stab she's like no because one night I'll turn into two

and three nights I'll turn into three and what the fuck that was I don't even know the purpose of the story hit me what was I saying about I don't believe I remember either no I mean you were you were just saying that you went and got 600 right so she throws me out she cannot stay here fuck you I go so how am I gonna get up to the open mic and she goes I'll give you a ride to the open mic and I get in the fucking car guys and I'm steaming the whole way I'm steaming the whole way usually she'd just be saying shit to me till I backhandle in the fucking head and then we go hand to hand combat dog me did she throw hands oh she threw hands she pulled hair she went for

eyes she was fucking crazy we're driving up while you're like thank you for this day it was calm I go thank you for fucking throwing me on the rules after you took my money and she's like fuck you next time whatever and I fucking closed the door and I go down to the open mic and I gotta I still got like two yards left I go upstairs I got a package I don't know who to follow I don't remember where we used to get packets from those days and I went downstairs got a tequila my name was number 14 on the list I knew nothing about comedy but I was furious guys I was furious it humiliated me in reality it cost me three yards for the blow job I could you know what the fuck is wrong with me and the turkey burger yeah he did get a turkey burger out

of the damn but that morning I had wrote some fucking jokes that I thought you know this is it this is my saturday night live on this and I go up to that monday night there's 50 people and you get six minutes and my first minute josh wolf was all those stupid handwritten jokes I used to write yeah thinking I was fucking johnny leone and they were bombing and I go you know what fucked you people I go fuck you people guess what just happened to me I was with a stripper and that's I just went off on the situation she took my money but I don't even know what I said but it was just huge it just kept going and then I went into now I know why oj killed his wife which was fresh at that time yeah you know this is why he fucking killed her because he

pays it and I just went off on this thing and I blew up that room I had never ever ever in the five years of comedy had I ever done that I was free like this was what I was supposed to be doing was bitching about what just fucking happened okay I just made six dollars for the first time in two fucking years and somebody took 300 and they went nuts that's when I realized how much emotion played into comedy oh yeah I really learned like that was like a breakthrough film that's what I was saying last night with what I could tell the new the new material you were not delivering like you knew it was funny the old material you had the play you had nine applause breaks do you know what I mean because you delivered it with that passion that you're talking about that's the whole

part of telling a story man the whole thing about telling the story is that can you convince these people to come along on the ride for you and you definitely fucking do you know it's not what you say it's how you say yeah so weird how many times I've seen people the faster I talk and just keep talking to them and hanging in there I see them getting on the train it's a really interesting thing to see from the stage it doesn't happen a lot it happens now because I've been doing it for 25 years but sometimes at the companies so even if they don't see it you go up then your first two minutes is slow yeah and as soon as that happens I think about Bill Hicks on the Rodney danger feel special he had to follow dice dice just destroyed the fucking room and Bill Hicks went

up there like nothing even happened and he started with a stupid fucking story he got a couple laughs and bam he had them and they just started sucking your hand telling you about some hotel and some malabama Lee Bill Hicks Rodney danger feel special let's watch the six minutes so everybody can learn an education you can listen to this you're gonna want I mean Andrew Dice Clay just that was at the highlander Dice Clay you know that was the that was the very beginning right out remember it was who taped those ten it was the 10 less comments I'm right I think we Herman did no no no it was over wait no I rara Peewee did a danger fields not one of these not one of these this was not this series watch this listen to this he just follows dice click this Lee

you ever see this Lee say it I think you probably showed it to me no no listen to applause dice that's watch Rodney all right folks all right here's a guy from Houston Texas okay and he's really far out in fact he's so far ahead of his time his parents haven't met yet here he is Bill Hicks guys if you're listening at home I want you to know that he just walked watch him web this week all right thank you very much I'm from Houston Texas thank you simply means as a performer I perform in places you people only see on rawhide I actually go to these hillbilly podunk hellholes such as Oklahoma thank you very much a veritable entertainment mecca the only state arkansas I can make fun of when you got arkansas ragging your ass you're

pretty low down in the food chain I think here's a quick impression of Oklahoma those you'll never been that was inside the club I was working when Oklahoma think the Marlboro man is a pussy he's got him down there he's following dice wow that is so small you know in hotel rooms you got to push nine to get an outside line I pushed nine and got the Elmer Dinkley residence hello who's this Elmer Dinkley you just called my house your phone number is nine yeah my cousin's is 23 I had to write that one down

wrote it on my forehead I keep calling 32 they're nice people they're just from Oklahoma had a guy come up to me after the show could have been that same guy Elmer I think came up very excited he goes hey man you cracked me up I was laughing something fit I'd like you to meet my wife and sister and there was one girl standing there remember he was doing crazy shit that nobody was doing now everybody does a job Hollywood Boulevard at a movie theater place that played nothing but horror movies frightening people that went to those things man it's scarier than the goddamn movies you could hear stuff in that

audience like I remember when I cut off a head thank you very much now he's got him now he's done done he's about to fuck them up how many smokers we got here smokers how many non-smokers non-smokers that's a wine and maggots you people non-smokers don't know the meaning of life do you start coughing up brown chunks of lung on your pillow and you start coughing up smurfs life takes on a whole new fucking meaning there is good news for smokers I'm sure y'all have noticed certain Gentiles warnings are different on the sides of each pack that's pretty cool might say certain Gentiles warning cigarette

smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth hey fuck it just don't get the ones that say lung cancer it is your body you should shop around okay I can live with low birth weight you know that's nice to cigarette companies come out with different types of diseases you find the one you can live with continue to smoke like what are you smoking Tom uh throat polyps I'm gonna stick with my yellow fingernails but thank you I can live with yellow fingernails I know guys do take breakups hard I was reading about Vincent van Gogh you know what he did cut off his ear sent it to the girl that left him yeah that makes a dozen roses look like a bugger doesn't it damn Vance you sure she's the one Vance think about Vance is going what

is that Susie did she call back what he got him though New York City and he kicked me he sighed why do from Texas fucking him up but I decided over this breakup man why get bitter about all women because of one so I looked on the bright side I think it helped my career she left me fine I'm definitely a driven man now I'm driven by a fantasy the one day this girl who I love more than anyone in the world and I gave my heart to and she said she loved me than left one day this girl is going to be living in a trailer park somewhere in Oklahoma she's gonna have nine naked little kids with rickets that bring home dead animals from the side of the road for them to eat she's gonna live with an

ex welder 600 pounds fur all over his back drinks warm beers and farts and belches and beats the kids watches a duke's of hazards every day has to have it explained to him one night he's gonna be making love to her and his heart's gonna explode and she's gonna be trapped under 600 pounds of flaccid fish belly cellulite shifting like the tides of the ocean his blood and phlegm and bile and a chopped tobacco pours out of his mouth and nose into her face yeah that's it just before she drowns in that chunky puddle of afterburn she turns to the television i'm gonna be on this show so don't get better thank you very much thank you that's comedy 101

I want I get emotional because I remember how many times this was my world I watched the people at that video store stopped charging me for it I would go get this every fucking day and watch it what year 10 times 93 94 95 this and the b to all stars with uh joe tory is the host who was on that joe tory was fucking hilarious martin billy bill bellamy uh-huh that's what I remember those are my three favorites and that that was this tape here I grew more from watching this tape dice clay was my favorite at that time and kennison who did sensational sets on this on this show but this kid really I learned from this set he had to follow hell joe I told you about opening for saints for kennison right I've

told you that story yeah yeah yeah you weren't around for you so I was living in san antonio at the time and they were he was traveling to san antonio and carl lebo was his opener and carl's dad had passed him I think of aids or one of the something like that so on the trip so carl couldn't come so I had won a um I had won a comedy contest at a bar like the night before so the promoter had heard about the comedy contest this was like my fourth time on stage and said hey who won the contest and the guy called me and he said do you want to open for kennison who's coming to town this was like I guess feels like 92 maybe something like that and uh it's like the fourth or fifth time I'm ever on stage I'm in college I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I go yeah I'll hell yeah

I'll do it and so the guy goes okay so um you gotta have 20 minutes and I was like oh shit at that time I maybe have 30 30 seconds 30 seconds right so I'm like okay but my listen you know as a young comic you you put too much time into what you're going to wear do you know that kind of like so the first thing I was like what am I gonna wear on stage do I bring a drink up yeah yeah the whole thing yeah at this at that time I had a ponytail that came down to the basically the middle of my back I was wearing a uh this was the worst I walked on stage with that ponytail a black motorcycle jacket a blue button down shirt tucked in to my acid wash jeans I walk on stage with and his his manager who is his brother Bill said hey can you do 30 I

think Sam's only gonna do like 50 and I'm like yeah no problem can I tell you how bad that first show was we were doing two shows they stopped heckling me and just started talking to each other that's how bad and I looked down I was like I had 23 more minutes and at this point none of them were listening to a fucking word I was saying and I did a couple of jokes twice I did a couple I was like hey where how you doing where you're from and I looked down I'm at 18 minutes I'm like it's a nightmare so I finally get through it Sam goes up and he's fucked up this was when he was supposedly sober but he wasn't so in between shows Bill his brother goes hey I don't know how much time Sam's gonna do second show just playing on you doing 30 but you might have to do more and I

said uh did you watch the first show and he's like no I missed it how'd it go I'm like not great and he goes well if you see me on the side of stage doing this motion you got to stretch so the same thing happened second show Joe I I got eight when you say eight minutes that's not what I got five your fifth time on stage I got like two jokes that's it and we're going through the same thing they're heckling and they stopped today just start talking I look over the side of stage at about 20 and Bill's doing the stretch and I'm like oh my god and he mouths he was like like 40 like 20 more minutes I got 20 more minutes of this just beating it was a fucking complete beating and I got off stage and he got on stage and he was it didn't matter what he said at that point

time he was crushing no just when he opened his mouth regardless but when he broke out that guitar dude and this was the first guy I had ever seen perform in a rock club it wasn't not a comedy club he was performing at rock clubs you know because his fans were like a that was a rock and roll fan and they he got out that guitar in that place went fucking bananas but it was to this day the the worst night of comedy in my life because I there were they didn't give it's not that they didn't give a fuck about me they wanted me to like die they wanted me off the stage violently did you feel bad afterward yes did you go home and write did you buy the julie carter comedy book at that point I I felt bad because I was like I ruined like I these guys

pay tickets pay money and then of course they were coming to see kinnison but I said that I could do the job and I just tanked that made me feel bad man when I don't do well I feel bad about that it's funny how as comedians there's anything in life sometimes we move ahead of who the fuck you are maybe maybe you go to a mechanic class and you're three months in and you think you know how to do something and you tell someone I'll do it for half the price and there was a something you didn't foresee and now you're in the blues in 300 and that's how you learn lessons in life you know for me I was a hustler when I moved back to boulder in 94 and I saw what they were doing in comedy in new york making you bring five people

they didn't do that at the underground sell tickets at the on the street you know they made you do a lot of stuff I was there to snort coke and recover a divorce I was there to go home and get my balls back you know I'm saying I've lost my balls my compass was off I went home I did some comedy this city I learned what it was when I went back I started using my hustling listen that I talked to you on a Saturday you told me the names of the producers that monday that Tuesday I went back and I asked around and by Wednesday I called every producer in Seattle and told them I was moving up there I was looking for work everybody got a fax in those days you had a fracture of and that's what I made up so when I went to boulder in 93 I decided I looked at the entertainment

section and I looked to see who had comics and the fox theater had a comic once a month you know I don't I forget who was coming in those days but there are pretty big names so one day I just went to the box on the manager yeah listen man my name is joey dears I'm from boulder I wasn't going to college damn I thought I'm going to college now I was on like probation I was going to bracelet and I'm like listen man you know if you ever need a comic to open up for a band call me even if it's from you know a couple dollars I'll do it all right good to know I would go into every 30 days josh will you know me though I see that josh was coming to town can I help him from now he's bringing somebody but thanks for coming by kid one fucking day my pager goes off

it's a fucking boulder number I call it back he's like hey jimmy the fox theater can you be here at 7 30 today I'm like what's going on he goes you gotta open up for ice tea he had just like it's 94 it's 94 95 he had just left oh nwa okay I am in the mirror I am I am divorced I have no money I had maybe five pair of pants you know I was living off a bed and this is a hundred dollar gig you know a hundred dollars was to me in those days he killed me first I give the drug dealer 40 and it would buy me another week and I get a grandma having a ball from number one or I just have to pay somebody a 50 so at least I had coverage for snorts tonight plus I had $50 just to have pocket money I was flat broke so my ego got in front

of my comedy at that time I had come on guys I had seven minutes if I was fucking lucky yeah I didn't know how to improvise I didn't know how to well I'm lying to you guys I did know how to improvise and I was starting to depend too much about it yeah but it's hard to improvise in front of a music music crowd New York City taught me bad habits hey what's going you know two minutes of material it's not going your way what's going on here where you from Brooklyn what are you doing bro I'm a welder who's this bro over here you're fucking over here and that's what they do I didn't like that I had to break that habit when I played basketball I was a great ball player you know my knock was I always put the ball on the floor after a rebound my coaches would make me drill just

if you put that ball down just drop and do 200 push-ups I always did something there was always that burp you know mm-hmm so now I was carrying over into comedy dog I got there the whole room smelled like reefer they put me in the green room I didn't know the green room was there and there's the green room what oh okay you sit here until we come get you okay then ice cube came with 20 black dudes everybody was smoking blunts they came back and gave me a little brunt little brother ice cube shook my hand go out there and rocked their world oh Jesus Christ at the minute mark I knew it was over how much time do you have to do 20 hold on it was by a suga by now somebody challenges me oh that's a real juke far right there that's direct from the asshole the vorschwitz

I took that fucking $100 I ate a slow bag of dicks right I mean I ate a terrible bag of dicks I saw people weeks later who would recognize me and go you opened up for ice cube that night man that was a rough night yeah oh my god it was embarrassing I brought my girlfriend to that Sam Kinnison show that's when I see her still this was however many years ago she still do you remember how bad you did I'm like yeah I fucking remember how bad I did you think I'm gonna forget that one of the you never the look on people's faces is what I cannot I'll never forget just the look of just like it wasn't even discussed dude they were just like it was that look like this you shouldn't be doing this this is not for you that that was

rough but those those shows the when you do would do the 130 show at the comedy store when you did the open mic at the comedy underground in front of seven people that's how you get good Wednesday nights at the comedy underground taught you how to be a promoter in the comic yeah that's our flies we took the money and we went to McCormick and Schmidt yeah happy hour we get the seafood it was an education I never one of the things when I bumped into slash one time I said what happened with Axel Rose and he goes the truth is you're broke right now yeah you're struggling but you're working because you're working towards your goal he goes you're gonna suffer from one for a while one day you're gonna hit and I want you to always remember these times

because when you start getting the big checks I don't want you to go crazy and doubt your abilities that's what happens to most people we put the working oh yeah just 20 just he had 22 I know he says 1995 and we've been here 20 fucking years so you know the work has been but I was still thinking of the night when we went we did the thing the black dude rented a jaguar and took us to a strip club and we got coked and we got all fucked up at that strip club I was thinking about that night you know this is probably open my career I was thinking about that look I was thinking about eating that chocolate uh mole that guy used to be the best Mexican food from my restaurant from that restaurant that chicken mole it was the best thing the best Mexican food I

read it was just such a and his brother who had one eye and had that one eye poked out and in uh in that fight remember he had that one eye that was all fucked up yeah you know it's crazy that I paid 125 hours a month to sleep in an office and I would sleep up there be up that four in the morning I'd hear the cleaning lady I wouldn't let her in because I was in there wacking off the end of the bag of the coke I'd be pissing in the coke bottle and then empty it in the morning and I would sit there and go what the fuck is this comedy shit really worth like I'm in now like when I was in Seattle was when I realized I was in like when I ended up sleeping at Lionel's house it's a couple nights a week yeah I you know here I am at you know heroin central that he was smoking crack

you know I knew I was in as a comic that I had chose this fucking life and the next thing you know bro some dude is coming up to me talking about a pilot for CBS and I got to come back to fucking LA with him to the rehearse and I'm like what are you talking about and he goes I got this I'm up here for the holidays and I came to the comedy club my mother and you made me laugh you speak Spanish I go yeah because you'd be perfect you're already in fucking uh I was in LA you're already in LA but by that time I when you left I picked up a tremendous job these white dudes got together because at that time in Seattle there was a brilliant white invasion of new computer ideas so these white dudes got together and had this idea to during a football game release I had

with a foul for this during a football game while you're watching halftime in the festivities on the left side of your screen a blink of a golf and say pizza hut right now call this number and get two dollars off your order and you call the pizza place and they would deliver it with the code these guys had this investor this was the job so our job we got high for eight weeks josh woke there paying me fifteen dollars in hell I was calling three people a day I was in their facts and comedy clubs all over the country telling them I'm a feature actor I'm crushing the pain I just took six in the Seattle comedy competition sending out a VHS tape I never sent out a tape you never did no I had the first time I sent out a tape was in LA and I sent a blank tape

to Mark Babin and they called me back and he said it was great one day with Bobby Slate I never sent the tape out I would call him I had to get a user reference can you send the tape and then we'll talk there was there were some clubs that were relentless about the tape there were some clubs like drops only there were so many clubs like just called and dropped so many names and references yeah that they say I might have something opens up we'll call you I got a call from Florida one time hey can you be down here next week it pays 300 dollars to mc your mc for this person it was the club and not for a lot of the other time uncle funnies oh yeah did you ever do the place in Sarasota mccurdy's no they don't want me in there they don't want to do it uncle joey

you know although that's a small club yeah it's family owned yeah you have to be semi-clean yeah I haven't been there a long time yeah you have to be semi-clean there they already know what they want and they have a fixed budget at that place yeah they have a fixed budget so it's either that's what you take you got to be clean there was a couple of reprimands and I just moved on I want to be free have when did you get unbanned from the comedy works the comedy works thing was a rear a weird thing bro because even if it was as it was happening I could look you in the eye and tell you it was a sign I knew something was gonna happen I don't know if it was gonna be good or it was gonna be bad you wake up every day and go I got a hole in the pit of my stomach

that something's gonna happen it was going terrible my ex-wife and the kid it was going just terrible the visitations that listen I would pick her up broke I'd have to get Chinese food on the arm for me to get money to do something with it I was shoplifting and bringing shit back I was just an animal you know and I was scraping by paying 400 a month rent 15 a month for a beep or in 10 a month for a mailbox I was off the radar jack I owed too much money I was done you weren't gonna find me and they didn't they stopped calling they stopped I was getting calls at comedy clubs bro yeah I remember you but you still use those mailbox places in LA didn't you was that you were Gavin to use the mailbox places I have one now for people from

the podcast you know to send stuff to you have to yeah I uh I never did when I was doing uh early on the one thing I never did that you did that I wish I had is early on you know how you you let go on stage that took me so much longer dude it took me so much longer to figure out how to do I was angry but but but it's like unless I did the material angry that I was talking about I couldn't get it over and I finally discovered and you left and I had a situation with Carol so Laura Crocker did not book me Laura Crocker did not book me and at the time she had a monopoly room oh yeah she had three weeks of Tuesday through Sunday room she didn't book you no she said I can't book you because of your situation with Carol I said okay I took her like a man I didn't

hate on her but what I did do was I used her to my advantage I would call her every Wednesday and go hey do you mind if I drive up to Bremerton and do your room up there as a guest spot and she would go no not really and I would get up there and clean out the room and the guy would go how come you don't get booked and I go it's a long story and I did that uh three nights a week to annoy you but at the same time she was making me a better comic oh yeah because that would always be and I would do it for free Jack I did that for free when you left Seattle it turned wild for me dog it turned wild I was selling police subscriptions I remember that yeah I remember that and those guys were fucking swindlers but they were they were giving me cash advances when somebody gives me

a catfish advance I learned I show up on time you know what I'm saying yeah because they always come through for you come through for them so if I would make 250 I'd always get them up for one in the corner we can't do it come on give me the yardstick let me stay alive let me eat something today really yeah you know what time it is no we're all broke it and at the end they even invested in me they were like so can we give you like a thousand bucks and you pay us a percentage sure fuck you I never saw a dime from a dog it was hilarious and the one brother got a hold of me at the comedy store and came to the club he's like man what happened to the thousand it's an investment I'll see you guys in 20 years it's a 20 year Seattle was crazy at the end

and then how me and Carol like went on a sabbatical was because she picked me up at that job at five o'clock she said you owe me 200 I had to check like 600 bucks they're paying me 15 plus bonuses off the books cash I wasn't paying taxes in those days that all went in my pocket some checks were 800 you know that check for 800 was for me in those days yeah I do so one Friday I go over there and I fucking uh Carol picks me up I go let's go cast the check and now she's breaking my ball she's like the bank is closed I'm taking the check for the weekend so I make sure you don't spend a little car or you can't do it like this you know I need this cash there's a check cash in place up by this place because I'm not taking it so I went to get the check she ripped it I

fucking grabbed it by the hair she punched me in the face she ripped the check oh my god now is it I'm broke for now I gotta wait to process another fucking check for two weeks unless I could figure out how to crazy glue this fucking thing and now you know she started she dials 911 I'm running through the streets of Seattle and I jump in the dumpster behind that restaurant that big fabulous restaurant that somebody was just here on Brody was seeing he says he remembers sitting where you're late there at night hurricane cafe hurricane cafe I jumped in that dumpster and up the block from there I know exactly what you're talking about the block from there was a beautiful movie theater it's where I saw pope fiction the second time I didn't pass out the first

time I passed out when I moved to Seattle pope fiction was the big yeah it was blasting in the movies would you pass out for the needle scene the first scene the needle scene I got a kid next me put a a raisin at my mouth and I was back like the raisin that kills a lot of things you know what I'm saying fucking hysterical when I think of those Seattle days you know I want people to know a minute this was not no podcast this was 20 years of putting things together and then show we did shows at the comedy store we did we put together a new talent night at the improv yeah and Damon Wayans were coming from 11 to one and we get bumped we do eight minutes and listen guys this was work all those rooms of Rudy Moreno and east LA oh my god all the rooms all those

mexican rooms they they sharpen me up so I'm in the dumpster I have to wait for dark I see cops everywhere they got the helicopters they got the dogs they're looking for me at about eight o'clock I dust myself off I smell like onions no big deal I take my little check that's ripped up I figured out I could fucking scotch tape the check out let me get to the check cash in place and we'll be fine the cops are done I jump out of there I call Rico oh fucking I go Rico come get me so Rico's a 600-pound black dude who used to the only the first guy I ever saw who manicured his face his face he would turn it like sometimes he would shave it into a spider web it's a spider web and I go Rico pick me up the cops are looking for me this fucking guy

stops to call 50 yards before the hurricane gets out and starts waving his hands like an amateur I thought he was a half a criminal he was no fucking criminal he's a moron I love him I still love him like a brother do you talk to him I have talked to him by the year ago he's still around he's still doing in Seattle yeah yeah yeah I talked to Ron I gotta call him well either Rod he was just here two weeks ago we're gonna hook up but he was on the west side that's a fucking long day for me so uh I take the check I rough him up the hill and right there by the movie theater there was fucking ten cops waiting for me they knew I was in the dumpster they took me to prison they took me to county jail the whole

weekend till Monday that wasn't the time you were gone yeah you were gone Malia was around maybe maybe maybe and I think I was staying with what's his name on the up in the third floor in the warehouse Lionel at the time Lionel and then I figured out I have stayed in the office and I was I joined the gym to take showers and lift that and I was swimming in there so I was really in shape because I was living in that apartment and going to that gym every day when you were gone that was weird and I sabotaged some dude as a gambler and then I got him to give me cell phones he worked for an AT&T company or something how long after I moved down did you move down you left September I was down there June January 29th the following year right so by December I had

this guy swindled out of the cell phone he met me at the underground he wanted people to sit at the mall and talk to people about cell phone service but he also gave you a cell phone they gave you a thousand minutes a month for personal calls with personal calls the first month I met my co-lector mall I was also selling newspaper newspapers subscriptions yeah and I was making 60 dollars a day in two hours that was the best job ever right there by the bus station or train station they had ads for it make money yeah I went up there one day just to check it out just to see if the kids were weak nobody stayed it was a money maker you can make up to a hundred bucks a day I did it for three weeks in December I think I made

60 bucks a day it was tremendous I was put on the hustle me and her were living in Renton in a trailer park she had bought a trailer and we lived in Renton and the place was a trailer park and I would swim there and then I would never come to Seattle and then Stanhope came up for new years and Carol went home so I unhooked the trailer and took the fucking trailer to to Seattle in the snow and we went down the hill and listen we're lucky to be alive it was bouncing hey I'll never forget we got there I had Stanhope in the back with the dog I drove the fucking trailer to the comedy underground left the black dog in there and me and Doug Stanhope went downstairs and we did the first Thursday night baby was that black dog's name baby I'm telling you whenever I forget Stanhope was

still crushing crowds even back then he's been crushing crowds for 20 fucking years this is December of 96 that's crazy Stanhope's got new years eve plus the three nights before that at the underground and guess who's opening for him I wiggled my way onto that show wiggled my way onto that show that means after Stanhope I gotta go yeah there ain't no coming back I gotta go and I gotta rip these motherfuckers apart usually I notice that the guys that talk about local shit so I started talking about the judge I got arrested for shoplifting I had a bunch of shit OJ was hot and popping and it was five great sold-out shows man and I got to watch that kid destroy the room and at the end of the weekend

he goes listen man I got a couch for you you don't belong here no more and I was like fuck I'm going and I told Karen I listen man I got a little money put away I'm going down there she goes I'll go with you I'm not gonna stay here by myself we'll take the trailer perfect she had about 10 large in 20s I had my own and anyway one way or another I was taking that 10 large with without it you know what I'm saying she didn't know I was in Iraq she was gonna go to dance one night and I was about two grand and leave a note I love you thank you for the investment that was my plan to be honest with you and she decided to go and we drove down and we stopped in San Francisco no a week before we decided to go

I get to wherever I'm staying and there's a police car waiting for me no cops get out they got a warrant for my arrest stay arrest me I go in front of the judge the next day he lets me out with a contingency of re-hearing and re-sentencing thing this was serious for the time the kid got into the fight all that came back to me in the hands plus the restraining order with Karen all this shit added up and they finally got fed up with it and the attorney knew Karen was fucking crazy so they didn't know what to do so I called that dude from CBS and I got me a big favor I go listen I didn't get the role you didn't offer it to me but for me to leave I got this problem and he wrote

me a letter in fact that took me at the underground he did so I gave it to the attorney and the deal was that when I put me in county for 30 days and then put me on a work release program and I gave it to this attorney and the letter and the next thing you know I was in court the next day and the judge goes here's the deal I see you have an opportunity in Los Angeles right now I could put you in jail the probation officer was there the probation officer was doing well with the probation officer that guy liked me I still know his number in my head I called it about a year ago he's the different probation officer he's not even there he goes he hasn't been in 10 years so I fucking was looking so the probation officer everybody recommended I leave

Seattle they I was gonna leave Carol they thought I was leaving Carol and I was gonna go and I was allowed back in the state for two years that was the deal is that the warrant that's still up there no the warrant came because part of them me leaving was anger management class got it so the paperwork they sent me which took them six months to send me legitimately by the time they sent it to me they wanted me to join this class and the class had ended in Hollywood so the only class was Saturday mornings at nine o'clock downtown I couldn't commit to that guys I didn't have a car I'm not taking no fucking bus to be somewhere at nine and one hand you had to pay 400 again to the program and every Saturday you had to kick another 30 into the kick that's my cocaine money dog

that's my cocaine money that's cocaine my cocaine money you fuck over my cocaine Saturday paper that's a that's that's that's fucking tremendous it's too big of a hole to come back yeah it is so I stopped going and one day I got a letter somewhere you got issued a warrant no uh extradition yeah I remember you were just like I'm just never going back to Seattle no no Cal I'm there's no JJ so what's his name what's his name going back to Cali oh yeah and I'll go Jay it's amazing I don't go back no you haven't been back since right 20 fucking years then breaks my heart let me give some shout outs real quick first of all Scott rip Scott Pratt rest in peace my brother your friends love you I want to thank the Australian warrior

Ali Baz and his family for coming across the pond and spending time with us and leaving us some beautiful films and gifts that were unnecessary we love you at all our heart Ali we've been with you for years I also want to shout out my man Bob LaLingus hanging in there in Chicago you know I love you I'll see you soon I want to shout out Kristen and Bobby and Sharon my dogs over there in Austin wait for me one by one podcast I want to Jay Frey Andres Martinez Christina Sprague Rob Nielsen and my man Philip Olivas what are you fucking nuts or what let me tell you some people never fear uncle Joey's here I know you people going Joey you fuck this the Bogota sold out tomorrow morning we made a call they're going to release another buck 70 for you so get to it

don't fuck around Philly we ain't fucking around no more Jersey stop fucking around I told you after kids I grew up but they're gonna go down there and jump up and down get your fucking tickets so don't fuck around this week that's all I gotta tell you where you at next week Tarzan Dallas Improv oh shit Dallas and improv July 28th and 30th one of the best clubs in the fucking country they were across the street from a pop belly sandwich and they're up the corner from one of the great fucking Cajun places the Chuck and Jive up the corner from there he was there 10 years ago you know who said to say hello to you by the way Nicky servos a Greek kid he used to call him the Greek he had that restaurant where'd you see him he this is Charlotte now I saw him in the comedy

at the comedy zone I forgot to tell you remember he used to have that really that Greek restaurant in Houston yeah he was gonna buy the Houston last stop yeah he kept threatening his father had dynamic restaurants yeah that's right old Greeks yeah the one strip club and like three Greek restaurants and three Greek restaurants yeah he's so he's him and his wife his wife moved his wife for very sick for a long time but they're all better yeah they're all better yeah doing well yeah good thing you see him good to see you dog good conversation 22 years of comedy knowledge you know I know a lot of young comics you listen to this shit this just doesn't happen this is uh I told you a bunch of shitty stories I never talked about just to let you know that

you're struggling who gives a fuck this is part of it this is what you wanted to do if this is what you want to do this is what you want to do you got to get down and dirty and just get creative and there by the way there's no quick fix to be in a good comic you just got to get on stage and you know what you're gonna make mistakes I'm telling you about how I just dropped the fucking resume off at the fox theater and told him I was John Lamontico and I got on stage and froze up like a fucking you remember that that that comedy show that for Univision where I told him I was half Cuban half Jewish so I could get the 250 bucks and they said you you got to make sure your material is about that so I had to write you helped me write like

eight minutes about being half Cuban half Jewish but you do what you gotta fucking do you do what you gotta do 250 dollars in those days I would stab a bitch in those days how many pieces of frozen chicken did that buy me Jesus Christ you used to love those beans I used to go over there you know I had two people in my life that I think about how much of the food they ate because I always got there at a particular time I knew they're timing down to a sample you were always there always there when the food was getting full I have a knack for that shit you showed up turkey burger black beans broccoli and it would be one for you and you give me after your lunch and I'd sit there and it'd be the best taste in Turkey burger in the world with no bun no bun no bun I love fucking fresco

you understand yeah that's when you're real broke Lee no bun with some fucking barbecue beans and that was it so you get to the comedy store and you can fucking swindle somebody out of and then you go to pink pigs pink dot and get a fucking sandwich a turkey swiss on french roll like a motherfucker you should go tuna tuna melt at pink oh pink that was the shit oh god pink that had a meatball hero Lee that would make your head blow up we used to order that tuna melt and that chocolate cake oh it was tremendously tremendously down the corner from yeah so where you at after Addison after Addison I'm in Tacoma and it's all like comedianjoshwolf.com and then when do you do the podcast every Tuesday I do the podcast with Freddie Prince Jr. called Prince and the Wolf

and then what's the other one yeah it's one I just to me where I interview people one-on-one it's called fairly normal okay good good good I gotta still do fairly yeah man come over and sit Lisa yeah how you feeling dog update for Josh I'm feeling the stars now are you really tip top magoo you're looking good you're feeling good you're smelling good you know I'm saying don't be lying to free I'm feeling a little weird right now I got more stars I'll make you feel weirder how many stars a G tonight you can't do that shit I ate about 12 no you did yes I did people he always adds two stars to what I eat every time listen to it joshwolf is my witness but I put two handfuls you did I'm not you you're very impressive I was crazy those two things

you but you didn't chew them I can't taste them no more like I'm done tasting like it's to taste that it's been too long it's been too long we are resistant to this is so high when we get another THC and throw in the mix yeah we get we got we cook it like tonight I Sunday I don't want to leave off on the bad foot thank I got shit crack I like in the mall and what's crazy is that you you ate 2000 milligrams to take it light yeah that's it just to relax a little bit he's gonna call me tomorrow and be like you got a lucky dog I'm gonna fuck you up on Wednesday wait the Wednesday it's a slow morning you know what I'm saying I told you last time I was here right now this room is crooked I tell you that and I'm on the bottom end I swear that's what I feel

right now that's how I am right now I complain what that's why I asked you I say how how do you anybody have a complaint no I took the commitment I took the ride you went all in we don't fuck around here I'm telling you 25 26 years ago that time in Beaumont was very bad the second night but I didn't black out well you but you fell that was the remember you we like the you got those Xanax 30 of them yeah 10 milligrams in those days and so I was I was about to go on stage and he popped a couple Xanax and drank well like whatever that's what I was I was popping them in the daytime and so by the time like you were about 20 minutes in you were on your knees you remember that with the microphone propped on your stomach leaning back and kind of talking into it because you were

about to go to sleep on fucking stage we have no idea only I was 370 oh yeah so those volumes were going right into my fucking fat just sitting in those days you know how much I sweat zero if I had to walk three stairs at the airport I would take the elevator everywhere in those days I wouldn't fucking wait and if I saw the black guy in the cart I was there waiting for a small time you were a Joshua Joshua come come help me get on the stool and I was like I can't pick you up I'm screaming for me for the back of the club I can't pick you up come come help me get on the stool that was amazing slayed ham slayed ham I just saw him I did the festival always a pleasure those guys are still in the game I listen man it's not that whether you live in LA Chicago

whatever you live you could still do something for yourself in comedy don't never listen to this and get ahead of yourself and go out we could just move to LA and do what those guys are doing no develop a base in your hometown here you gotta develop a fucking website and a headshot and a demo reel take it easy and if you're not if you're not doing at least five sets a week when you're starting then you're not doing it right because you know I you judge like so you do at least five sets a week right so if Joey who's 24 years 25 years in is making sure he does five sets a week if you're just starting and only doing five sets a week you're behind you're already behind the apple because people ahead of you are already working harder last week at the tuesday wednesday

two shows on thursday and one on saturday yeah feels good they were all hard shows this week at tuesday maybe wednesday definitely thursday at the improv and then i got the book got a saturday night which is an hour you know that's good enough yeah an hour is an extra you know one show one show nine o'clock get out of there watch john jones and fucking danny call me who you got for that i have nobody i'm still open i want to see what the money is on friday i'll be down there so i can put a bedding right i don't know they don't take sports betting online yeah they take their sports better in elanic city i don't fucking think so i don't think so i don't think so but it doesn't really matter i could still call a bedding with some friends you know what i'm saying don't forget

about that anyway uh what was i gonna talk to you people about listen august is here you know what august means mugginess a lot of sweat you leave the house you start sweating you come home at lunch you're sweating and when you're sweating there's no bueno you're a young man you're a young woman odors develop around the muffler and the monkey or the helmet whatever you may have you can eliminate all that you come home every fucking two hours on the hour and you know what you know why it's portable but days are back you don't have to stink no more wash away hemorrhoids wash away fucking asshole junk and gunk you know why but days are back hello tushy dot com they're portable but days you understand we got a 90 day guarantee you know what are you gonna do keep wiping your

ass with paper keep killing fucking trees meanwhile you're telling people how your eco friendly but you're taking two fucking trees to wipe your asshole switch it it's over hello tushy dot com is the answer you understand me what to take to install lee 15 minutes bam you can do it by yourself and don't take no fucking genius all right and this is gonna change your fucking life no more getting home have you ever fucking taken a shower and the ball sweat hits the water and it's like vinegar oil you ever have that type of ball sweat that means you need hello tushy dot com if you don't have hello tushy dot com you don't know what you're missing you understand me you got a 90 day money back guarantee it's fucking durable it's portable but most importantly it works

you're sick and tired so you know what your asshole smells like after an eight hour day on the desk do you have any fucking idea what it cultivates in there you miss a spot you ever have any your asshole ever burning and you're like what the fuck is burning and you wipe it there's a big chill like a green pepper you left in there no more hello tushy dot com right now get you up listen if you don't have a bidet it's 2018 almost and you're living without a bidet you're still wiping your ass with fucking trees what is wrong with you people go to hello tushy dot com slash church bam get 10% off deliver it to your house if you got two bathrooms get three of them that's the type of motherfucker i is if you get two bathrooms get three of them

that's how much you're gonna love it you're gonna take it on the fucking road with you that's my next move here go to hello tushy dot com right now slash church bam 10% off your asshole will be beautiful and if you start now in august by christmas forget about it have you ever lived there and sent to yourself why has nobody eaten my asshole because it stinks like a billy goat hello tushy dot com slash church bam don't forget the supplements you want to be healthy hemp force protein but shroom tech sport shroom tech immune mct oil honor is a one stop shop in place for the best most natural supplements you can get on the market don't forget alpha brain all right money 100 money back guarantee and arbrey don't even want the motherfucking product back

that's how we're doing it these days so go to honor dot com slash church bam and get 10% off your first order you'll be doing yourself the biggest goddamn favor of your life okay they're doing miracles for me i'm stronger i'm breathing a little bit better i'm a fat fuck but hey i'm going all toe to toe with this i had the hemp force protein this morning two scoops a little water a half a banana who's better than fucking uncle joey a couple ice cubes knock it off bam go to honor dot com right now slash slash what church bam ch you are ch and get the 10% off i want to thank josh wolf for coming on most importantly i want to thank you motherfucking savages for selling out the bargada and for listening to the podcast i love you motherfuckers with all my heart see you

wednesday night i woke up and got this morning i don't know your voice was warning that you don't care for me anymore i made up the bed we're sleeping i looked at the clock when you're creeping and it succeeded and i'm alone did you know when you go it's the perfect ending to the bad day i was just picking me when you go all i know is you're my favorite mistake you

are you friends are sorry for me they watch you pretend to adore me i'm no fool to this game me now here comes your secret lover should be unlike any other until your guilt goes up in place you did you know when you go it's the perfect ending to the bad day i got used to spending when you go all i know is you're my favorite mistake you're my favorite mistake

for me nothing lasts forever even when you stay together i need forever after this your laughter won't let me go so i'm holding on this way you did you know could you tell you were the only one that i ever loved not everything's so wrong did you see me walking back did it ever make you cry you're my favorite mistake you're my favorite mistake

you're my favorite mistake you