Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #502 - Esther Ku

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

Esther Ku, Comedian and Host of the "Ku and The Gang" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for three free snacks with your first order.   Recorded live on 07/26/2017.
  

boop boop be doop boop the church of what's happening now is brought to you by nature box we all want to eat better but when it comes to snacks sometimes it feels like the whole world and delicious and it's all a billion calorie versus boring and tasteless it doesn't have to be that way up your snack game with nature box and right now you'll save even more nature boxes often the church of what's happening now family three three three free snacks with your first order when you go to nature box dot com slash Joey again nature box dot com slash Joey listen it's a 26 of the month and this ain't dick it's gonna get

more and more and more humid and from work you're gonna have to go out and meet friends and what happens one night you go out you have a drink by the beat by the boat and next thing you know you're getting fingered and it smells like a Billy Goats fucking asshole you didn't have time to go home and take a shower but you don't need a quick shower no more you can take a Puerto Rican shower you ready for this but days are back bitches portable but days are back right before the happy hour you zip home you take a little poop to lure you wash your muffler you scrub your monkey you give it some air you put some hot

water in that motherfucking bam you show up at the happy hour like fucking spider-man DC LaRue who's better than you you know I'm saying go to hello tushy dot com right now slash church and get 10% off your first order again the bedays are back you don't have to be a millionaire no more portable but days are back bitches hello tushy dot com slash Joey church slash church oh shit July 26 costock is a day the devil was buried at sea and they took him to fucking Russia church what's happening now bitches here we go Wednesday night Thursday morning it's gonna be a good weekend

my son church was out of now always delivering the fucking goods cocksucker my fucking Korean fucking beautiful sweetheart of death ester cool and my main fucking death fucking star eater the king from Israel Lisa yeah what's happening thank you for having thank you for fucking being here what's up ester cool what's going on Joey Coco D yeah I'm doing your shit hustling yeah bosslin and you know what ester cool I gotta give it to you there's a certain reason why I put you on the show and that certain reason is every time I see

you smiling every time I see you're not complaining you never call me complaining about your fucking career and what's going on you take it easy going and I gotta tell you something you got the right attitude so that's why I put you on here cuz you're just I appreciate it I did your show with you and at the ice house and your crowds are fucking crazy fire they fire they fire every single person in your audience they fucking like love you 1000% they come out they are amazing they laugh and they're there's there I've never seen anything like it you're following is fucking they they drink the Kool-Aid you

know man you get what you give you know you get what you get it's similar to your personality you get what you give and in life and it took me a long time to realize that and with the podcast I always totally and all the shit that's going on now you know right now we were discussing ticket prices and I told you that I told these people from the show that they were going to release another hundred and seventy tickets but what did they do they released into ticket merchants and now this the selling for $70 if anybody knows anything about me if you look at the Bogota card I had the cheapest tickets on the board why

because I know your blue collar and I know you need every fucking buck it's bad enough they charge seven on top of that just to get the ticket so it comes out to $32 it's an embarrassment but to me but folks welcome to the fucking corporate world is nothing I could get that fucking seven dollars yeah no nobody knows so every ticket somebody gets seven fucking dollars so I want the people at home to understand that that the the comedian the musician you know a lot of these places man that's how they they stay alive and they look at every fucking ticket is seven dollars they don't give a fuck what you do and then

if the people drink and the people eat that's a profit also listen I'm not putting down a club but I think that we should all make something in the even range for doing our work you know I don't like that there's other clubs that have that search cards that's it's a date that they complained about cigarettes tickets they complain about birds tickets but it's not us it's the venue and we don't know when we cut the deal we find out afterward and that's why a couple times you guys will see that I'll cancel the room because they did something fishy and I'm old school if you do if something sucks in the beginning

it's gonna suck all the way through and if it sucks all the way through and you let it do that you brought that upon yourself so now I'm in business but I'm not in business for me I'm in business for myself my daughter my wife and Lee you know we're in business for us here so when I look at things I go listen how did you get adopted Lee if I got very lucky you fucking want I'll go back to my old ways and start stealing and I'll really rob you motherfuckers because I know exactly how to fucking do it but I don't take the iron from the green room yeah I give you the respect that you deserve and I try to go there and give

you you know I tweet I do all that shit on my own you you only have one radio station to promote me I do the rest listen this is what you're allowed to make this is what I'm making and this is what you're gonna make I don't even know what you're doing the kitchen but I know that those hundred people on the ice house 62 of them were stoned and stoned people or equivalents to mozzarella sticks and not so uncle Joey's basically a nacho fucking salesman okay that's what I am I'm like the Mexican that got his fucking food cart tipped over you're a fancy nacho saying I'm just a fucking nacho what's it all stick salesman I

said at the end of the fucking day if they're good not these clubs they put that cheese sauce on it that's like all dead come just drippling I prefer the cheese sauce I'd rather have that than like shredded cheese melted oh I like this I know why because that's just that's just what you you know grow up on and you're used to that I do crave like that disgusting like movie theater nacho every once in a while but I prefer I prefer a good not yes you guys something what is the rap with theater popcorn why are people so against I read like three things all used to be gross like when I worked there was

terrible why if I bring popcorn from the house right and I get theta popcorn as a double the calories they will they probably well a it's popped with they have this flavoring salt it's like yellow it's not just salt it's like it's probably butter flavoring in it too and then and then they cook it with like straight oil hot oil so it's probably all of that and the microwave maybe it's air pumped I don't know but yeah it's and then it just grows like when I worked at a movie theater when I first started working there they would have it popped and then they put it in these yellow trash bags and they would just get

stored for days and then they have warmers in the back you know when you see it all piled up nice it's supposed to look nice but it also warms up the popcorn so like we couldn't like if we opened up right away the popcorn had to be in there from the beginning for the weekend otherwise really cold yeah well not even the weekend it was just it was too you guys had a reserve of popcorn in the garbage bag well yeah because and not even a reserve because they had a huge popper upstairs they don't they don't do it anymore that like you know that popper that's always behind the concession stand it's kind of a pain in

the ass it doesn't pop that much so like that's why they wouldn't do it but yeah and then when I like before I worked there people told me that butter thing used to be like rock solid just disgusting harden now it's just bags of chemicals it's the same it comes the same way that the soda comes bio butter yeah so it's not like real butter I don't I mean maybe some theaters have real butter but most of the chains don't I don't think that fucking I used to work at a movie theater I loved it which one in Chicago North Avenue Cinemark was the chain yeah we would have games like who could find the most used candy in

the theater when we're cleaning the theaters as ushers you know never you never found how long did you work there like a year oh you never found oh that was the best you find money oh absolutely find of condoms beers people like you people used to party in the movie I mean maybe they still do but when I like I would find everything like this one woman took a shit and it just felt like in like the middle of the lobby one time that was real interesting people threw up when the Blair Witch project was playing I didn't have to deal with that yeah I would have to clean up their puke is it true like why is it and that

like the women's bathrooms are always worse than the guys that's what I've heard that we have more openings so I thought you guys would be clean well our openings are bigger than yours that's true hopefully now are there any independent like besides like look because Lenly is independent but not really there's a chain yeah are there any independently in Miami are there any theater houses left that it's like a fucking you know $10 ticket yeah yeah the last time I went to a movie theater that was cool was in Toronto and this had to be 17 years ago they had weights waiters already and they had like a

little table and didn't really complain if you took two hits off a joint and turned it off you know really yeah they didn't really complain I think it was corporate it was corporate because they had all the chairs were the same but the last time I went to like a theater movie house was in 1985 I went to see the movie would share and they had the mask oh yeah the kid that had the big head and and it was a great movie I think she even got an Academy Award nomination she was fucking good she could fucking throw down dog don't fuck with her she could throw that she hasn't been around for 80,000 fucking years because she's bad

you know so I went to this place in San Francisco and it always fucking stuck out in my mind I forget what it was I was broke I was in love you know like when you're 20 fucking one or two and you just don't love on a Saturday afternoon we walked 8 Ashbury and we saw this movie theater was hot out we go what the fuck let's go in there and just watch a movie they had couches that's the cool and you lay down you could depending on how caught all the couches were four man couches but if it was just me and you and there was 19 people in the joint we could lay with feet to feet and watch the movie they also had things to put

your feet on they had a fresh popcorn with fresh butter wow you see them open up the stick of butter and put it on the sheen and they had homemade cookies chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies and you could smell them a light would turn red it was just tremendous on the tenderloin not the tenderloin hey that's Barry night that's the little you know I saw the master in Toronto I forget what the fuck I saw but I'm really trying to scrape my head to think of are there any movie houses left around here like that I mean there's a north Hollywood there's new Beverly which is good and then LA has a lot they

have a silent movie theater which I've been to once and I saw that have you guys ever seen a Rocky Horror Picture Show yeah terrible I saw that there with people throwing shit oh yeah who'd you go with Paula like two years ago it was terrible like this like I've never seen people so excited like this one guy in front of us had seen it I think 60 times because they went around like how many people have seen it 20 times like I could even believe but anyways there's there's a lot of that in LA it's very cool and I actually like cinema did you work there when they had like reclining seats no they were climbing seats now at

the cinema up here where's the cinema up here the north Hollywood one oh that's a good one so many fucking got hit by a cop tell you that's a star but somebody got hit by a car because it was on TV and my wife goes I know exactly what that is that's around the corner from the movie to that's a hidden star buck long the car found it you know I'm saying it was a hidden star buck I'm downstairs has anyone ever like have there been any more accidents by your coffee shop like we used to sit by that coffee shop and just watch this one intersection and then be an accident every 90 minutes you

didn't call 311 on them it's hysterical that they fucking screech tires there and then but I'm happy there because there's a wall for you to fucking hit me that coffee shop you got to be coming with a fucking Russian tank because you got to go through a wall and two cars like that's why I'm comfortable there you sit inside I sit outside I don't sit inside fucking people go crazy in coffee shops I need to run when I sit on the list for the last two years when I sit down I already got two outs I sit close to my daughter so I could fucking grab it by the waist and start running like a motherfucker my wife she's on her

own every man for himself you know I'm saying my wife is on her own my wife needs to get shot in the foot one time so she learns to pay attention you know I'm saying my wife is one of those she's very sweet and she doesn't know the ways of the world and she takes her eye off the prize too much and it drives me fucking crazy I gotta say something to her every once in a while you know and she takes her eyes off the prize for too long and that's what people always say I took my eyes off her for two seconds listen don't take your fucking eyes off I'm an old-school mother yeah I'll tell you a story but I'm gonna look at you

you want to come over and tell me talk to me when I'm with my daughter you can talk all the fuck you want to you turn green I don't give a fuck if you're fucking got a dildo up your ass on you jump it up and down I'm not gonna look at you I might look over every 10 seconds just to make sure you're all right but I always got my eye in the prize you know there's people in life that never really watched this surroundings there's a story of this woman who left her daughter on top of her car because she was high and drove away with the fucking car seat on top of the car fucking idea you have no fucking

idea and it just happened recently it's terrible the child ended up passing away but like are you here all the like they like in that they're playing in the driveway sometimes and they just they're too small you're just not paying attention as you come into the driveway and you kill your own kid oh my god listen let me tell you something man I used to be the king and I thought I'll tell people around the podcast right now I used to be the king of getting fucking blaze like I do now and getting right in the fucking car 10 minutes later and you know what it's cute man sometimes you see shit sometimes you

giggle but sometimes you have some close calls yeah and I used to have this why I have all the cats I have is because there was a cat fucking foundation behind my house at one time there was 30-something kittens behind my house that's how many cats that that's samurai was fucking wow at one time he had Demi's mother pregnant remember Demi Ali and the girls coming from a complete different fucking woman he was fucking it listen he was woman he was fucking his kid he would fuck mama and then she would have a little by the time there was seven months old he was knocking him up already his own daughters and if he

would knock up three of his daughters one would die and the other two would have fucking nine kittens and then he would knock those up and then it was a time in the backyard where he had four different colony of cats that he was knocking up every cat was Siamese beautiful he has beautiful stock that cat was born to stop his balls when he used to walk was so fucking big and black even though he was gold with a beautiful blue face and his eyes were blue like those sparkly label you see that fucking label you've never seen a cat's eyes like that let me tell you something in the nine years other than

that building he didn't take food from me one time as hungry as he was he was stoic he was tough picky he was tough but he fucked all those fucking cats back there and the point is one day I went out there fucking when all this man was even fucking all the dogs when all this edible marijuana and all this reefish it started one day brought one home in the afternoon got super fucking high super fucking high and I walked downstairs to run an errand I got my little neon I had a neon then that was a piece of shit and I put that money and I looked around I looked around I looked around I looked around fucking nothing I

get in the car I start the car I drive it and I get a weird feeling I come out I ran over one of the fucking kittens and I had to take it and bury it and you know it was horrible and that's one of the reasons why I don't do it but it what you know what man even my wife's I don't think he ran over I think he was dead already from what because all those cats that's how they they would just die back there from anemia from all the the something ticks and shit would attack them and then you get anemic your legs swell so my wife said I don't think you killed him because his legs were already swollen trust me I used to make a lot of

noise by those cars I knew that kittens were all in those garages no yeah there were kittens in all those garages there were 11 garages there was a garage on the corner and they like a real gas station garage and they they'd shut down so the garage part stayed in there and they had thousands of cats when they knocked it down all those cats moved into my yard this was 2000 I dealt with this from 2000 to 2006 and then mama got shipped off to Vegas she gave her last she must have had 19,000 kittens they really shipped off yeah they shipped to Vegas because there was like a possum back there like there was a fucking

possum that was coming back that was like mixed with a pig so mama went to give fucking birth she crossed the street went in the neighbor's yard and the neighbor had like a towel hanging mama took it down put in the corner had her fucking kittens so that neighbor went to Vegas and took mom in the kittens to Vegas with okay that was the end of that samurai they had to remove her from Samurai Samurai the last time I saw Samurai his face was hanging off and my wife tried to give him an antibiotic and he hissed out and my wife tried to sneak antibiotics in his food and he wouldn't eat the fucking food so I

never saw a samurai again how you think Samurai is doing think Samurai is dead I haven't seen him since 2006 and I left the building in 2009 he would have found you Samurai died of an infection knowing Samurai he probably like he was so fucking stoic and so to the T I guarantee he committed harakiri he got a piece of glass stuck on his stomach and killed himself because he knew he was dying from like a bad infection Harry carry Harry carry that's how fucking stoic that damn if he was alive he would have found you he would have followed the skunk smell that cat didn't like people even cats in his yard I

was in the bathroom one afternoon it was a sunny afternoon I have the window open and I was in there doing something popping a pimple brushing my teeth and I heard a noise and I went to the window and on the tree was Fidel's finny super bad's father bigger than a fucking house on a tree going who the fuck is he his when they're up in the fucking tree and I look down and there's the samurai you know two stories away a garage away plus a fucking 20 foot tree away and he's mad dog and this fucking cat in the tree and this cats going all since the samurai goes okay motherfucker he ran to the edge of the fucking

garage jumped on the dumpster jumped on the garage ran to the fucking tree and the cats up they go by this time he's like those fucking cats noises and samurai climbed on that tree like a fucking lion and climbed up that fucking tree and they started fighting the fucking tree then they both went off the tree and that was it I'm like whoa it all went down like four fucking minutes that's how fast the first noise I had were they fucking they were fighting they were fighting to the death that night nine o'clock ten o'clock I forgot all about I'm outside waiting for the coke dealer to make a delivery I'm

outside minding my own business I look over to the left and there's super bad father walking like with a limp and shit and half his fucking neck hanging off him and he looks over at me like I was a tough fucking afternoon and I saw him after a few times it sounds like a reality show like he was tough and in debt one night I look in the backyard and I just saw a cat that didn't belong there just a cat that didn't fucking stray cat like a stray cat that said wow it smells like cat back here this be a great kingdom back here and all of a sudden I hear this fucking samurai runs up on him and this cat

starts running his shit I go okay that's what happens listen I swear to my mother I get in my car ten minutes later I'm going to the comedy store I get in my car make a right I'm on Selma and I'm pointing the car towards La Brea and I'm headed west and do you know what I see by Highland fucking samurai chasing that cat across Highland at 945 at night across Highland by Hollywood High School right there crossing that street that's the type of cat he was he chased that motherfucker ten blocks down how many blocks do you think he owned samurai that whole neighborhood the post office because he would come out of the post

office and three zip codes he lived in the post office he that was his turf the post office and that fucking let me tell you something one of those big P.O. boxes I sat out there with those cats and I got infactuated with them you're getting factuated with something like I was like I never had cats neither and they were I watched them I watched them every night I would go home get like a soda pee you know roller joint I go in the backyard and I just sit there and watch them and at that time they had to be three different families of kittens and some of them would play with each other some of them would just fight and

whenever samurai came around they all ran into a corner because they were brutally scared of them there was one morning I woke up and there was dead kittens all over he had killed all of them because the faster he killed the kittens and the mother stopped feeding them through their breasts the faster he could get back to fucking I didn't know that oh that's what he would do he's like I'm in the mood to fuck he doesn't care that they're his kids he didn't give a french response Jesus it was the weirdest thing so I that's crazy how weird the body is like like if like if a man a man like a human killed their kid

to fuck the wife the wife wouldn't be like okay but it's just biological if there's no kittens around the females gonna like be ready to that's weird that's crazy it was a crazy thing and it was weird the clicks that they had so I wrote something I wrote it I thought he just needed a side girl and they wanted to be like he had side girls he had 20 fucking side girls Jesus and if they didn't want to be there were his side girls they didn't have a fucking choice the weirdest thing I have a cat named Lulu and she's a beautiful fucking cat beautiful till today she's always been loving yesterday I saw and I rubbed her

and she turned and showed me her stomach she doesn't swipe at my hand I've known Lulu since she was a little kitten and I love that particular uh does Lulu play the piano no no Lulu is just really cute and she has a sister named Evie she has a brother named super bad and the brother that died named DJ they used to live outside and shit so it's really weird one night I was out there by 9 30 I was headed to the store and Lulu was in my alleyway everybody else her other brothers and sisters were over here in the backyard there was like a tomato thing back there you know what else lived in that backyard a fucking old

tortoise do you live by zoo like what's no no there was a neighbor who moved in the apartment building and had a turtle like an exotic turtle he brought from fucking Argentina some shit and he put in the backyard he's still there he lived there for 20 something years so he was feeding the turtle lettuce the turtle would bury itself half the year but whenever the turtle came out he was this fucking big the guy died in his apartment and some fucking zoo came and got the turtle Jesus we fucking think you're dealing with joy bananas we think I'm I'm sitting over here fucking TM saying it I'm dropping facts on you

bitches and it took a year for that turtle to get into your yard it took I don't know I never I never really messed with him like I could look to the shell they said he was very old and stuff like that I never really picked him up I'm not good with turtles they make ninjas in a half shell ninjas in a half shell who's your favorite ninja turtle I have no fucking idea Donna tello what the fuck you think you're dealing with Lisa I was going on in your world cocksucker I'm doing good I got I never knew you went to to that uh that fucking rocky heropitian that's a new one you dropped on that was terrible that was a

she must have talked to you no I was that was me that was you another I've never been did you help it no you don't you how can you help a movie I don't know I thought that you know you don't you help the theater I guess you helps everything he helps the fucking do you help everything he helps everything I help restaurants here's a funny thing he helps restaurants he goes for they never goes back to them again never ever I go to the ones I like never again do you go no I can name have you been to meung in dumpling on on olympic you should go what do you I don't know meung in dumpling me listen listen to me this kid's like

oh and 22 no I'm not Bourdain went there with Joe Bourdain goes everywhere yeah he goes there's like Bourdain photos everywhere whoever gives him 5 G's and the free dinner Bourdain shows up not at all flea yeah Bourdain went there I don't know I don't know I don't have Esther Kugo yeah Esther Koong gonna go she's smarter than that shit she knows you can't trust those LA Koreans she goes down to Miami and shit what kind of what kind of dumplings Chinese dumplings I think Korean they have kimchi and stuff when you bring it out they have all those the kimchi and the salad Korean dumplings she does let's go there

let's go there listen don't go there don't go anywhere where he eats he's the kiss of death I'll let you do some research and then if you'd like to go how much research can you possibly do Korean barbecue yes that's I don't I'm on a good cook so it always scares man I want to have to be in charge of the cooking and then just go to one of the ones where they make it in the bag what they make it for you yeah they make the barbecue like don't cook it yourself I don't want to cook it myself I hate that yeah that's the whole reason why I'm going out I didn't know they even had that yeah yeah so that's the one where you go in every table has a barbecue thing oh that's the one where you go in and

you pick your own supplies and then you come up with a fucking thing and you move them along or some shit you have a grill at the table but then you walk out of there smelling like fucking that yeah that okay that's completely different than the one I went to yeah what's going on in your career as to cool um you know you uh my show just came out which my sketch show okay it's called sorry not sorry okay I just came out on go 90 go 90 yeah and when does it start airing uh just started airing Tuesday did you and what kind of the last time I was here I was working on it okay and I went to the next day to work I was super blazed out of my mind because you gave me that star of death you ready for a start tonight yeah let's do it we're gonna get a fresh one now

those are stale before well I think I had a corner a corner of a star last time you're ready for a half a star this time that's how many milligrams is this 120 this is the weak one 120 is a lot some edibles they only have like fucking 10 milligrams that's all you need right there that's 40 milligrams this is 40 all right one time you came in he ate those fucking edibles I didn't know who to fuck you are you were cross-eyed and I was fucked up so we were looking at each other all fucked up and you farted did I did I really yeah it was hilarious I'm sorry no I love it I love art I don't like farting around women farting has the opportunity to get closer well if you fart I don't want to get close to you just know that right now you know I love my farts smell good

what's no disrespect for how what kind of show is the sketch wise it's um it's uh it's like little sketches you know how many minutes um it's like 20 20 minutes each 20 minute sketches no no no no they're like a compilation of sketches and who did get the sketches with you um tracy stump men and matthews and henna pilkas okay so you got a little cruise like a little fucking yeah sign that line yeah a mini one and you did how many episodes eight episodes and then it'll get picked up for the second season well hopefully so go watch it and what network is this go 90 and where is this on it's on go90.com really mm-hmm see I'm learning something worry fucking daily this is your job you know it's for the kids it's for the millennials right now all the millennials

right now supposed to be they're like what uh 20 to 35 or something those are millennials probably they're like the biggest age group that exists now that is the craziest fucking age group in the world that's crazy you know they're doing dumb shit what kind of dumb shit you know dumb shit with their phones everybody's addicted they grow up on their phones these kids well I saw I saw this stat on Facebook so it could be totally fake but it was something like the that age group is the most educated but like the least employed generation ever like which means what I think that they've probably more people have gone to college than before I would guess but then it's also like I was talking with someone yesterday with Paula one of her friends from law school just finished

law school decided oh I don't want to be a lawyer now it's going to take the bar but is now signed up to go to seven years of medical school so I know people like that too I know people who have three or four masters but they're they're addicted to school they're addicted to school you should just if you're you can just get a job they don't want to face the fucking work you just want you should just get a job as a counselor at your school if you don't ever want to leave your college and shit well here's the other side of that coin they're like acting like a kid when I was growing up you had options that's the cool okay you're like Joey what type of options okay the first option is you go to college the second option is you go to service the third option was your father

had a flower shop and maybe you want to go to art school design flowers but your mother is an accountant along shore and she's getting a trainee program well a lot of people don't have those options no more there's not a lot of apprentices left there no more in this country there's not a lot of you know I don't know about politics but I know that they're cutting back on kid programs so I can't imagine what they're doing to people who just want to go to a trade school that's the cool what if you just you just want to go to a print class or a nursing school a nursing school or a web design well see that I mean I don't know guys that's the thing if I had a kid right now the only thing I would have them do unfortunately would

have to be some sort of tech stuff like like when I was going to high school I had the opportunity to go to a trade school if I wanted to okay and do what it was it was uh it's called minivan tech I did some summer school stuff there they they have like all like the plumbing and age vac and they have they have all that but it's a regular high school but you get you have you have that opportunity I'm pretty sure it's still there and it's from like a big area of of towns um and those jobs like those jobs will still be there to a degree but then there's something like if you don't go to college you're gonna have like it's gonna be an issue because a lot of those jobs are being automated but what about like an apprenticeship like construction look up like construction you

need is apprenticeships like if my kid was 18 he's a he doesn't want to go to college apprenticeship is just an outdated word are you serious seems like it doesn't it I I'm 50 something so it's not like I'm looking every day for a fucking apprenticeship no more trust me I mind I mind fucked myself from the age of 18 to 28 that I was gonna be a fucking apprentice these kids they're book smart but they're not practical street smart that's why they're all unemployed but they're all educated well um I don't micro that guy who used to have the dirty job show he has a thing like that there should be more people because a lot of these jobs are actually pretty high paying and you just don't think like maybe you don't think about it it seems but the California does have an apprenticeship

program let me tell you what I did in 2000 and 2000 1982 I didn't get my high school diploma I had to quit you know I was a sucker and whatever my mom died I thought I should get a job you know so I quit like an asshole might be the sum before my senior year because it was cool yeah I wasn't cool I had a fucking hustle you know I had to make ends meet I had to pay rent and I didn't get social security so I had a fucking hustle you know I tried to steal a little bit sell a little coke you know but that you know you can't do that every fucking week so I went to Colorado and there was a Colorado Mountain College and I just they asked me if I had a diploma I just said yeah I took courses and one of the courses I took was residential wiring you know I took like a history

corner they didn't check because everybody in Colorado is high as a motherfucker well no this is 1982 which you're correct especially up there but they didn't care I took courses there and you know what I became an electrician the guy that taught the class was uh the city inspector so after one of the classes because he took you to a house and you had a wire that was part of the assignment so after the 12 weeks he goes hey man if you're looking for a job let me get you a job and he got me a job at Aspen Electric at the time I was 19 I'm like holy shit I got a job 10 bucks an hour I have tools that's a lot of money trust me in New Jersey I couldn't do shit now I'm an electrician and I would go there every day and I did it I did it for like seven months and I really liked it

and for a guy who was doing it seven months I was I was up to like a guy who was doing it for two years I was bending pipes I knew you know a lot of different shit the guy at the time I left Aspen Electric but anytime that that guy had the call to inspect they would put me on that job because they knew the guy would pass it because it was his work I did the work how that guy taught me to do his work that's why they really liked when you took that class but the point I'm trying to make here is on my own before computers guys I wanted the yellow pages and I made a bunch of calls before computers trying to find this shitly was hard Jack you had to go to a payphone with a roller quarters and you had to make some calls yeah yeah it's so easy now it's so easy and I had to make

like fucking 20 calls and I finally got that all of Colorado state electricians apprenticeship program there's a lot of bad electricians out there you know those houses where you turn off the light and it turns on yeah what's up with that who the fuck knows somebody put a bad wire you know it's like there's only two ways a light switch can go and there's so many places where it's inverted I haven't been I haven't been an electrician in 30 years now so I forgot all about it or the cold water is the hot water it seems pretty cool like if it's something that you'd be interested in just like the California one you do five years and you work 8,000 hours and then while you're doing that you also go to school three nights a week 800 hours of school and you call on some

lonely housewife probably hasn't fucked her husband in two years and then you fucking walk in with your shiny ass and they give you insurance insurance and the apprenticeship program to help it and it takes five years what's the requirements you have to be 18 you have to be physically able to perform you have to be a high school graduate or have the GED and then you have to have two semesters of algebra with a minimum grade of C and one semester of college algebra with minimum grade of C which means if you could breathe into a fucking glass you get into this program right so yeah and you could probably go I see an algebra yeah you could probably I even got B's I was good at algebra it was the next level that fucking calculus calculus that was the end I just couldn't do geometry

that was the end that was the easiest one you know I couldn't do it I I don't know why I like the algebra I couldn't remember all that 3.14 pi oh yeah all that shit yeah you sit here and you're like what the fuck did I ever do with pi all that homework on pi and quarter pi and you never fucking use it in the real world I would just love to know what jobs actually do use it like is there a job somewhere the guy who uses pi every day he's like thank god we use pi I bet there's at least one guy who uses pi every day an aerospace engineer I can't believe that for years I've been asking people and trust me there's people my aides that don't remember this one of the ways I learned to speak English when I came from Cuba but everybody was doing I'm just saying this that this was one

of the many weapons that I used to learn English was the SRA reading program and what the SRA reading program was was a fucking box in front of your teacher so your teacher had a desk but right here she had a box and at the beginning of the year in September you would get a color like white you would start like a white belt and then you had to do a bunch of assignments in there so not only did you have to do school homework but you have to do the also the SRA reading program that was one of the things for like reading class when they do reading from 9 to 942 that's what she did why are why are periods in school the so exact with the 942 it was never 9 to 945 because it's two minutes it's 42 minutes the class and three minutes for you to get to the

next class yeah so every class is as perfect so it's during that three minutes you find your boyfriend or girlfriend you make up with them by real quick and you gotta run like a motherfucker the teacher's waiting by the door and if the teacher closes the door you gotta go down to the principal and get a note to get back to fucking and if you get three of those you gotta you gotta you don't get suspended but you get study hall which means that from from you gotta sit with a bunch of regics till five o'clock and throw balloons at each other and fucking torture each other with fucking airplanes and shit you get sent to the dean's office and they yell at you shit like that yeah i got sent to the principal's office and the principal couldn't believe that i

was in there he thought i was a good kid because he's racist and i i was like an honors and band and you know spanish honor society and all that and i'm sitting there and he's like well i'm gonna have to revoke the river grove mayor's award for good citizenship now where'd you go to high school in uh in chicago what's the name of the high school east leiden east leiden white black a little bit everything white mexican no shit yeah okay so being the only asian family at the high school i was automatically famous were you the only asian in that area yeah everybody know everybody knows the asians it's funny because the obon came in here last week uh and he said he remembers when the first asian moved to his neighborhood that was like a big deal i wish it was the same

neighborhood he had to save money up and he took like a cab up there and they waited for him to walk into the restaurant to see what a real asian look like and shit it's crazy i didn't know that about you that's yeah well there was one other asian kid he was half korean and half white and he was a valedictorian and you were second no i know i was the only asian kid in the high school but i wasn't i was like number 13 oh how terrible for your parents whatever 13 that's not really good it's fucking crazy i don't remember any asians in my grandma school in high school i did but they never really mingled and you know if you know anything about me bro i've always been mystified by everything asian really like what oh you do acupuncture no but

this all started when i was a kid with my mother every saturday for a couple of years my mother would go there was a place like on now 57th or 56th and bergen line and it was a chinese place that sold like elephants tiger bomb tiger bomb uh red envelopes for the new year borders slippers you know ear wax extraction devices and i found that they could get bruce lee's shit like posters and num chucks num chucks and the whole book because i used to dress the throwing stars like all that stuff you know you got to go in the city to get those at uh at a different type of i forget what the martial arts place but the shitty thing about the stars of them never sharp yeah so you took them home you're they were the fucking tree you've been waiting for three months to get a star to

throw at your neighbor's fucking dog and the next thing you know you throw at the tree and then going into the fucking tree they gotta take it to the hardware store and sharpen it but they want like three dollars for each fucking side there's fucking like it's twenty six dollars to get the star sharpened and shit you just say save ten ten months to pay ten dollars for the star that cost twenty six to sharpen this motherfucker so plan b is going to your mother's house and getting the can opener and the old days that opened up cans this way but if you turn the motherfucker around there was a sharpener like this it would take you like four fucking days to sharpen that star that by the second day he just gave up stars were tough because they never came sharpened thank goodness

imagine how many like terrors you would have new chucks you always know how many eyes you would have taken out new chucks you always modified new chucks came like they always modified them because at first when they showed up they just showed up out of the fucking oak with the string and then these gorillas started making broom handlers with the thing but then Hong Kong karate the Hong Kong cat came out and that motherfucker set it off because he got plumbing copper plumbing and he put the caps in the bottom of the new chuck so motherfucker started wow damn crazy going the bottom of copper into the broom handle like they would get a broom handle that the thing was fit motherfuckers were clocking you and they had never mind that if you practice one of those copper

new chucks you go home all fucked up those motherfuckers got all cte now and shit i'm surprised i ain't got cte i hit myself 82 fucking times in the head with new chucks oh my god you might have cte i do i know i got cte i never played with real num chucks i just played with them on street fighter you never played with new chucks as a king you never had no no you lived your life through a fucking game next time i see you i'm gonna give you a new chuck we have a pair here where are they oh the orange ones those are good yeah we'll start you off with those to practice with when you were young you were raised by korean parents correct yeah didn't they take it to taekwondo the little kicks and i like that you know my parents were so fucking cheap didn't take us to nothing and you have sisters

correct yeah so but there's this one guy from church who lived in our basement and he taught us taekwondo as a way to pay my parents rent so we would learn taekwondo was he white no korean guy straight from korea how old was he he was uh you know probably 30 something did he hit on him no he was decent no i was a kid so i'm the same maybe he's breathing like on your neck that's what got you started didn't you take your ice cream next you know yeah that's the cool you know you were a little aster before that but he took it for a ride you came back as a staku you had fucking eyelashes and shit lips to come well when i was a kid i wasn't cute so they weren't you know these guys who lived in our basement they didn't really try anything with me how that probably that probably

saved me though from getting molested molested you know when did you become a staku um probably when i got like contact lenses you know that was able to wash the glasses yeah but i've been wearing glasses since i was in second grade i was a little nerd with glasses my whole my whole school career you don't remember anything before your second grade you're getting prettier every time i see you this is the best you look since i haven't met your hair looks very nice i went i went back to black thank you well not you got you changed your head and you let it grow it looks good on your look you came in here with the hot pants you ain't fucking around with the uh you made fun of me last time for wearing pantyhose and i was so embarrassed that's right how can you wear pantyhose

how can you tell people tell people i'm sorry at home that i was wearing pantyhose because it's like cheating a mother don't act like you don't wear pantyhose on the weekends no i don't i i fuck let me tell you what's wrong with pantyhose let me tell you something you know i never robbed a bank you know pantyhose let me tell you the truth i never robbed a bank you don't i fucking despised pant i would never put a pantyhose on my fucking head please stop it please tell me that's not the only that's the reason let me tell you something when i was a kid i don't mind i loved i was a creepy fucking kid okay after my dad you could just put on a mask like they do in baby driver listen to me after i was after my dad died i was a little fucked i got a little

fucked up how old were you three i got a little fucked up in that oh my god so for years after i was a little fucked up in that but my mom and her girlfriends would talk sexual shit in front of me like the girls would be i'd be like six and they'd be playing cards i'd be in the other room and i would hear the girl said well my husband finally fucked me the other day he felt i'd never forget what this one lady told my mom that her husband was so fucked up he he fell asleep eating my pussy and all the other women were laughing i was like eating who's pussy like i didn't fucking know and did you think like they were literally with a spoon and a bib by eating pussy when you're three you don't know what eating means i was a little older than that at this time they would

always get together on tuesday nights and this one on even till i moved to jersey like the group got smaller because one got married one moved away one went to prison but that central group vivian lacina they were always together like my mom uh laloka whatever they called i forget what her name was she was that woman was good looking no no this this lady was gloria her name was gloria she was fucking blue eyed cuban woman light scan your hair color knockout when i was a kid i loved that kind of had a crush on him when i was about six she was my babysitter my mom asked me to watch me she kept fucking with me she wouldn't let me watch her wi-fi vote so i hit him in the head with a fucking uh shoehorn i had one of those metal shoehorns and shit so her and i didn't really

talk for like three or four years and then as i got older she came back into my life but she was one of my mom's tighter friends but she wasn't the dirty one it was this one woman that i forget what her name was today her husband's name was Guillermo but her i forget what her name was but she would always talk about sexual escapades with her husband out loud and i would be in the room watching like tv and i would hear it you know i think women talk more about our sex lives than men do men are just like yeah i banged her and that's the end of that it's like yo good going but for women we get descriptive so i don't you know it's kind of weird i don't even know what my point was what were we talking about when you was a kid and you got babysat by the

blue-eyed woman so it was funny but when i was a kid i was creepy because i got interested in women but i didn't know anything about women i didn't know what was between their legs and shit so i would go to my godmother's house in miami and she had like a big bathroom and shit and i would sniff her bras i would sniff her little douche day the women in those days had the red little thing the douche with the hose and at the end there's like a stick that looks kind of like a dick with like four holes now we're just walking around with dirty pussy and they put fucking vinegar in the bag and they shake it up with some metamucil you guys don't use douches anymore yeah they do it homeless disposable whatever you come home they shake them up and it's like

fucking oh it's like a Caesar salad dress it's the same fucking difference you put that Caesar salad dressing up your monkey you keep anybody away for two days did you ever see her get undressed who that woman oh fuck yeah you know i watch those dirty women yeah they would like women were crazy in those days because like let's say you were playing cards and this happened when i was younger like six five i would watch them and they would go like i love your blouse and the other girl would go you want to borrow it yeah oh my god i have a date tomorrow let me borrow it and they would just take their shirt off in front of me because it's a way of flirting it was bras their bras were on their bras they wouldn't like titlis no they would never naked in front of me my

titlis is a whole nother situation my mom wouldn't allow that shit in front of me there's no tits and then as i got you know but that was a way my mom would ask me when they would leave my mama goes let me ask you something which one is the hottest out of those bitches really i won't tell i won't tell them when i go and i'd break it down even when i was like a young kid she trained you to be that way yeah she was like what do you think about vivius she's like trying to get that like testosterone out of you yeah she didn't fuck around is that what cuban's mom do yeah when i was 12 she brought a woman home one night and thinking back today like i could look you straight in the face and i would tell you and they fought each other no no no i don't

i don't remember if she took me upstairs uh-huh and i woke up next to her but i think i had like an anxiety attack until today 50 40 years later i still don't know what really happened i know we made out a little bit i know your mom's friend my mom woke me up and said get dressed there's somebody downstairs who wants to meet you and it was my dad my stepdad uh fucking not my dad my stepdad you lost your virginity that night no no i don't think so a bunch of women no don't scare me like that you just fucked up my emotions don't do that to a cuban that's the way i want to lose my virginity and how i was like 12 i'll never forget this i went downstairs not really knowing what she was talking about how could you you're 12 and i went down with pajamas you know the

pajamas where you're feeding them like i went down like a little half a fruit with a doorway for your butt like a super boy like a fucking superhero or football batman and we had when we pulled into our garage there was stairs going up and stairs going down stairs going up took into the kitchen stairs going down my mom had a separate it was like a room with a tv and a bar and a refrigerator and that's where they cook sometimes down there was like a separate like the orgy room no it was like 15 people i used it as a as a as a karate room like i when i was a kid me and my friends go down there and beat the fuck out of each other but my mom's like you can't make holes in the walls no more so she fixed it up and turned it into like a fucking hangout i used to go down there and watch tv

at night and i went downstairs and it was like 15 people down there i knew a lot of the guys from my mom's bar and also my mom was like what do you think and i'm like you know like i didn't even know what the fuck i said and next you know they were playing music and my mom was like dancing i'm like no and she's like dance don't even scare them and i started dancing and she started rubbing up against me let me tell you something my dick got hard at 12 oh my dick got so hard that my pajama stretch had you gone through puberty yet no i don't think so i was late i was a late bloom i remember like i was one i was one of those guys with it at first your hair grows in the sides when you're a kid or maybe a girl i know for us the hair grew in the side so like that june the hair grew in

thick in the side not the top though so i kept telling people i'm ready i'll be ready to fuck by september by september the rest of that dry patch you'll fucking fill it in a while it took eight months for that motherfucker to fill in so i was excited to fuck but i couldn't fuck with no hair you know that's just against god you have to wait till you have to tell her you shaved it off already no no no nobody trust me when you're 13 nobody shaves that dick they want everybody lives their whole life to get that first fucking head and that's the did you shave your little monkey when you first got here at 13 no okay then no i kept it a bush till i was fucking 20 yeah that's what people do and shit like that so i didn't know but it's so funny how the hair comes in the sides and you're

like shit look how fast the hair grew in the sides but it took eight months for the fucking you were walking around like a bozo dick like he was just bald so no no no there was no no no i took her upstairs we danced you know we danced everybody was like giggling and shit and then she goes come on let me take you upstairs she had like a dress on i think we swapped spit man because i had a room upstairs the attic and i had my bedroom downstairs there was three bedrooms on the second floor and an attic that was turned into a bedroom when i was growing up and there was also a bathroom on that floor we went up to the attic i didn't take it in my bedroom and we swapped a little spit and woke up in the morning i was so petrified that's too cool i didn't see if she was naked or not

i was so fucking embarrassed because everybody always wants to have sex but you have a certain way as fucking crazy as this is i always i always thought it was gonna be a a different fucking way like i did some stupid dirty shit when i was a kid i had sex with some fucking in some creepy situations man what did you do play doctor with the kids no what the fuck is wrong with you that's the cool you're saying like right that's the crazy shit that's the cool that's unproper you understand me relax i didn't use a condom for like the first like three or four time i was i just like and i and i was you don't need to what do you mean is he do oh yeah you do yeah especially after your your guy you know the condom got full blast in 85 up before you're lucky you

didn't become a teen dad well no i didn't have sex before 85 the everybody still ran the fucking gamut i think i started getting diseases like in fucking oh jesus that's my worst nightmare the 80s getting diseases shit man that's the aids era 85 was the 83 was when they started fucking or something like that i watched that movie let the music play whatever it's called on HBO about the pilot who supposedly spread it you know in the beginning richie gears the fucking dude he get aids he plays the fucking dude that's the i forget what his name is there's like one patient zero it's like with a guy who started aids really you know i don't know you can't really say it i think it was attached to a pilot who gave it to a stewardess

who you know it was just they showed the chart of what they thought and they had it if you watch that movie watch it sometime let the music play or the band played on it's got everybody in it i mean it's got like an all star fucking cast HBO did it 30 fucking years ago but all that stuff started in 85 and 84 85 that was still taking chances i took chances to about 93 oh fuck a whole decade because all that drug you know when you're drugged up and you're doing blow when you're having sex at five in the morning you've been up you your ability to make decisions dissipates so you're just like here goes it goes for nothing and you're sticking in there you're like a little like there's like a helmet in there or you know you don't know so yeah you just everybody take

a chance and then something you go to the doctor and get an hiv test you come back clear and you go god i owe you one the next time you see a a dude in front of a 7-11 instead of giving him a dollar give him a five dollar bill get one back to fucking calm it's the truth what can you do there you go you're lucky you went through some crazy shit we're all fucking lucky you know when you're it's funny last night i went to the store and uh ali wang was up and she was talking about men comedian how they all cheat on their wives they're filthy animals that's why they're all the voice you're pretty fucking funny i guess the majority of them and it's and it's well you know you're still married yeah i've been with her for 17 fucking years man yeah a lot goes on in 17

fucking years a long time but you know you get the levels in your life and you'll see you know you guys are young you see and after you get there you go oh now i understand why this happened life pretty much plays itself out and you see a different levels for me to get to the next level i needed a wife i needed that man on rounding no no it's not a grounding man what a man is young and i think there are plenty of female comics who cheat on their husbands too really well you you never listen nobody really knows and who the fuck gives a fuck but it's it's not even about that it's like uh what's the point here i don't even fucking know what we're talking about you threw me off with that fucking shit you were married you went on to the why are you why you got married

uh we're like we're all lucky why you got married you'll see listen you're with paul and now right and you'll see after you were paul for 15 20 years you'll see the part that she played in your life but it's hard to describe to somebody like now when i was a youngster and i got married i didn't really have any respect for it when i was 28 and i got married i don't marriage was i worked i come home i give you a stab in the house is clean i really did and that's a fucking horrible way to think but guess what that's how 60% of guys go into it or they get in some out of the deal the fall owns a construction company and you know there's always a by the way because guys don't really know they want to get married everybody wants to get married everybody's raised to get

fucking married and all of a sudden you get married and you make a mistake and there you fucking up and then you learn about yourself you bounce back a few years you learn about yourself and guess what man you find somebody who you truly understands you and you understand that person and the next thing you know you're with them for five years and then you get married then you're with them for 10 years then you're with them for 15 years and you see the growth that you've done together you needed that growth to take you into your different level of manhood that's a complete different level of manhood you know and it's okay if you made a mistake when you were married as long as you got married the second time you made a good choice you found the right one for you

because every ass has a seat i don't give a fuck what they tell you every ass has a seat and guess what that's the only you're gonna kiss 20 people before you find the right person but when you do you'll know it and after you're with them first marriage is always for fucking up well i'm not saying that but i i i always smell i like those more practical wedding cards to give to my friends when they get married the first time around like what like i give it five years or no no no you gotta be positive with people but the beauty about it is you know when it's a bullshit wedding and you know when it's real if i see you too you know you go to a wedding to me they're the most fucking pretentious thing that you're ever doing in your life whether you're an actress

you're a pornography or a fucking accountant they make you sick to your stomach weddings make you sick to your stomach because it's like a three hour somebody turned ether on you know what i'm saying and then you hear crazy shit and you go they kissed 80 times they had fucking every celebrity there they shot pigeons in the air they had miscellaneous bends but the night before mario lopez and his friends took a stripper and fucked her up the ass and came in the mouth and shit and she went public and the chick that he married fucking and got the marriage and all that monday no wait that's what happened yeah look at that mario lopez marriage for cheating you know so think about that think about how many weddings hilarious how many

times the secretary goes good for her that she annulled it think about think about how many times the secretary goes to a wedding and her boss and his wife are kissing and they're saying to forever and people going oh he's so in love meanwhile you're like i just sucked his dick three nights ago and he ate my pussy and he gave me five thousand how many funerals do like the mistresses or the side dicks come up and they're if you look at them like well why are they extra crying so hard because that their rent is getting cut off that electric light bill is fucking done you know i'm saying that account there's an electrician and you comes out again fuck yeah i see now but it's just really crazy how what the fuck was that at the mario lopez coming the story was hidden

somebody's playing duck on it that's what always bothered me about weddings you go to a wedding and why are you there i really gotta be honest here i could sit there and call the times people gonna get divorced because nobody all the time man no no no i went to my friend's wedding she met him on tinder and they broke up a year later i'm like why did i waste money on your fucking present i said the same thing to me i want my shit back i want my shit back and if you know before i am like it's just so actually when i bought i bought something from for her on william sonoma on the website and then what then then something that she requested that i bought wasn't available until september so they sent me a gift card for the amount that i spent because there was

like a fluke in the system i could have told her right then that the marriage wasn't gonna work i mean actually you still tour a lot yeah you're still doing colleges yeah uh no not not so much colleges what about that girl called you ever dropping on that no more is it still on tv i don't fucking know all right you know uh yeah i was in the first three seasons of girl code is it still on tv probably you don't know you to give me a fucking straight answer you know i don't know i don't know if i watch the tv get residuals don't be bullshitting me no i don't know if it's no i mean you're korean you gotta repent you know what mtv don't pay residuals they don't no no you just pay one time and sale i'll read they can play it till you're fucking 90 so it doesn't

benefit me if they replay it so it might be airing but i don't know um but you make your money on the road that's what that's what your support that's the mtv model i guess did you find it yeah yeah print it up on the thing that read it to ask the cuckoo what this lunatic did all right what meanwhile they had pictures of him i i truly love her with all my heart i never know mario lopez oh it's fucking ugly and then and then he like the there's another article i could pull up i saw and i just read the headline it said he he admits to never loving her and i was like that's like that's almost worse than cheating after just saying after she got it annulled to publicly say i never loved you oh because he got embarrassed and i've heard you know people last time we

spoke about this couple years ago we really got into it we got into this conversation with me i don't know we got into this conversation with somebody years ago that got heavy maybe uh sarah i would feel like a pedophile fucking mario lopez with those stupid dimples you know he looks so young what's her name will you please man alie alie lantern yes this chick was a model she did something she's christ oh why are their heads cut off i don't know lopez mario lopez he fucked around i don't sit around i don't know what to do i want to see if i can finally get like a like a real in-depth now we'll get to see that's why you can't get married around spring break that's what happened here everybody at the party was on spring break

you used to a certain fucking lifestyle you're not going to give up that lifestyle if you look like mario lopez you get pussy five nights a week in this town just being mario lopez all of a sudden he meets a girl he falls down because everybody thinks they're gonna fall in love i think he remarried yeah he's a daughter now but yeah it doesn't matter all those celebrity types are good looking there's always there's always something that's gonna suck their dick in the closet or the car real quick do you think they appreciate it anymore like he he's been getting his dick sucked in saved by the bell days yeah that's amazing you're a man you always appreciate it i don't know it's whether you're gonna call no you get bored and start fucking dudes i think i think i appreciate

blow jobs more than mario lopez because i didn't get them as much i don't want to do none of that ridiculousness you know what i'm saying yeah that's fucking that's how often do you get blow jobs now i'm not complaining i'm just saying overall compared to mario lopez as like a poor poor leis leis you don't think so poorly alone leis leis has enough situations going on when you leave for vegas my brother friday morning you ready to go tip top magoo yeah i'm ready to go playing cards what are you doing playing cards we're gonna go see the uh the beetle show there that'll be good and how'd you pick that huh it's it's what what do you have against cirque de soleil i have nothing

in a second what is it now i'm just curious what made you pick the beetle show eight million puke i played 22 albums he never asked me wants to put on the beetles because she wants to see beetles and there's eight million of them oh i've seen the beetle show yeah people love it yeah it's really good everyone says it's an athlete i'm not even a big beetles person i'm a beach boys person okay and beach boys are good and then we're gonna we're gonna watch the uh fights with larry and uh i'm pretty excited what's so entertaining about watching a fight well it's it's in a cool little lounge i prefer to watch real fights on the street that's good we can't bet on those though one time in new york i saw it was like two in the morning this couple was having a fight they were screaming

at each other in the east village all of a sudden she takes her shirt off and she has no bra on she says big boobs she jumps in a taxi in the backseat jumps out the other side of the door he runs after her and they're screaming at the top of their lungs those are the kinds of fights i like to watch me too as the cool but then you grow the fuck up and you go why the fuck would i want to sit here in case this guy starts taking a knife and coming at me i see a knife i see a fight in new york city take a look and you keep walking if somebody drops a wallet and you run back and pick it up you know what i mean and you take the cash and you mail it in the mail but no you fucking i don't fucking know as to cool why would i want to watch he's going to watch the u of c fight john jones is

fighting cormiere so he's going to fucking vegas for this fucking girlfriend he don't want to watch the live fights you know what i'm saying i don't think they have like street fights every like it's not a reliable where are you going to dinner i know you got a list already yeah we're probably going to strip steak all right what else and then we're going to go to bum to fey i think all right what else and uh that's all i think that's all we have planned so far but it's no hummus place in fucking vegas or something why why when i go to vegas and get hummus i could bring him because that's what you do that's the type of person to go to vegas and get hummers sure he won't do my hummer he's going to go to the beatle show and sit down like a mook to look

yeah the mook to look they have a 10 14 or 20 whatever the circular slay shows because no one goes vegas he's fucking going nowhere i'm gonna play blackjack he's gonna drive for six hours four hours do you split eight a hundred and fourteen degree weather you have to split it you know his ass hose is gonna smell like with all that hummus and everything you have any idea you have any fucking idea as to cool what's up he's gonna drive five hours to vegas yeah everyone drives to vegas it's fun to vegas oh boy that's a long trip that's a long trip it's the same exact day on a friday morning how much is a flight like 60 bucks no if you if you know if you know when you're going four four years in advance now it's like why are you talking about i like driving though i like

road trip yeah it's four hours guy like you guys are talking about it like it's like a 20 hour it's actually three hours but with traffic always it's four and a half for him trust me well no it's not if you like measure the time from you leaving your house get even if you're just going to burbank and then that whole process it's this maybe you save an hour maybe i don't think i'll be leaving on friday probably six a.m i don't i don't fuck around in vegas i don't fuck around in vegas well probably but wake up at six a.m and get on the road uh to beat the traffic and get at what point do you pull out at a blackjack game when you're up hop by how much see that's my problem i don't dog listen he loses every fucking time oh you gotta know when to pull out you idiot that's it

when i want to use that i pull out what plus okay do you play have you ever had a friend there with you listen why are we talking about black no no no let's please both he is both he is you know what a terrible blackjack this guy we got so bad at it trust me a year ago he's gonna be a blackjack player he was going out every night he bought books he was in the car you just gotta video game i play the video game all the time he was gonna walk the casino if there's an asian if there's an asian dealer do you not sit there yeah sometimes they're so fast they're too good yeah well the men are men i'll sit down women are just they're real fast and they're kind of like i was at the stratosphere and i did really well there but they were just so cranky sometimes

they're like i like having a good time at the oh the chinese dealers yeah sometimes the women sometimes a little not too not too happy to be there that's when you gotta dose them with a edible i would love to do that that would be so much fun what's your favorite place in vegas to play cards we were the happiest the most comfortable ah i like anywhere i mean it really doesn't matter i don't have a home for cards over it used to be like the venetian which casino have you written a yelp review for i haven't written any yelp reviews i used to like playing the venetian but they have really like i think like when i first started going to vegas parking was free and every casino even valet you just tip the guy and now it's like you have to play everybody

charges yeah everyone charges everyone charge and it's a pain in the butt and it seems like they've really raised the table limits in vegas parking this week 40 a day i'm only two day i'm only there for two days so it's okay and you make sure that you ain't paying that two and a half day you get neither on the ticket if i know you i won't know i'm sure i'll have to get out tip top magoo jack well check out it's probably 11 um but yeah it's gonna i i mean the venetians really great um i had a really good time at the like the log uh it's either the lock sewer i think or maybe the castle it's like it's all connected to mandalay bay and the last time i was there that's where i had like a really good time like that was my best feeling put poor the bed after the beetles right

and you're shooting like this you know by yourself you're probably and but i am gonna get her she's a good yeah but if you know that you don't pull out early enough i'm gonna bring her with her with that's what i'm gonna do keep her behind you i'm gonna go he's never had the opportunity to pull out all right i have to listen to him last time i was there i go good to you this is a waste of it how high how much do you put down nothing 450 the most ever though i i buy in for 100 bucks uh and that's you you went up to 450 ones no i went up i went up to with a thousand ones i because so this is the it was it was the i was doing terrible all weekend it was like that's how i did get fucked on the drive there was an accident right out the border and took two hours across

the border that's how i did get fucked and let it's always happens i'm always our friend lary said that it was a bad uh voodoo but i went to strip steak you were very nice to be paid for you got me a dinner dinner strip steak and you give me 100 bucks for gambling so like this is joey's i go in i walk into the casino i don't normally like playing by myself because it's a little fast and like you can lose a lot real quick you like playing with yourself i do that also but um there's a black dude dealer and i just went down no one was there on him i just started getting black checks but and it's funny you brought up the age black checks black checks black checks he leaves an asian woman is starts pulling in i i just went probably from one to 300 let's say no more face cards and i was

real excited i was like okay there's an eight i'm gonna leave but something was she i she even i think she even said something i think she was even like give me a chance or where are you going i said okay let's try it again i got like maybe like seven blackjack over the span of like 15 minutes it was amazing and like it was the only i i used to bet 15 dollars at certain points the dealer was making my bets 25 because i wanted to switch the table but it was like the best one of cards i've ever gotten and i think when i left there i had one from year one to like six or four something somewhere in that area and i want to another casino and i just ended up sitting down on a 25 dollar table by accident and when you're on those tables it's actually kind of cool because you sit

with people who are like real gamblers they come in with stacks and and they'll bet like 400 a hand three hands over like the table and it's like it's way more than i could ever bet but it's like exciting for me to even just see it happen but i took it up to a thousand and i told myself i was gonna leave and i didn't and i even i missed the shuttle if i had if i if i had left in time for the shuttle i would have went to a thousand i left with 500 so it's still i still did okay but i fucking i lost half of it damn it was terrible you gotta time your pullouts with the shuttles i'm not good at it yeah i mean i've started setting timers on my phone even what's crazy the the psychology gambling you know i never there was in all those years that i sport but i could count

on my hands how many times i really picked up an envelope because even if you're up you're always greedy right greed always comes up unless you're fucking super strong and super willed and over the years as you know you get a little bit more control and you see what they're doing and you see the scam and you know you start to see more things and you become less of a percentage yeah percentages are less than losing money and you just learn by going you know i always when i first started doing that i would always do a parlay and you always tell me parlay's always lose just pick one fight i think that's what i'm gonna do with this fight i think i like one fight and i think i'm just gonna go with that it's very crazy are you betting on the fight i think so

people always tell me why do you always get a super why are you fucking buy a super because you only there's only two cars i could possibly buy on the road right now do you know why because i sold cars in college and i sold cars and i was good at it and i saw the scam i saw the beginning the the middle and the end and because of that i remember everything about cars like i only buy cars unless i get a great great deal or it's a two-year-old car so somebody else eats the appreciation depreciation whatever the fuck you call it that's the only way i would buy a fucking car but besides that i would never buy a car this without those two p-wickers it's you know i'm saying why would not buy a bmw nothing like that because

i don't know as a young guy i saw what those cars represent and they always made me feel shitty you know i'm saying like why would i have a car that i don't know i don't need a fucking BMW i remember the first time i got into a bmw you know you're like whoa like you always think like this so far away you know you always only been in toyotas and fords and chevys and the first time i was like you know probably i don't know but the first time i got in when i was like wow this is and they're a beautiful car they just how people the other people the other people live yeah it just made me feel weird so it made you feel like you have to like talk quieter have you ever been in one of like the even fancier cars

like the Rolls Royces or like i've never even been in like that's crazy like a hundred thousand dollar cars and we meet oh my gosh and we drive to the restaurant the Lamborghini i gotta tell you something guys i feel like a fucking asshole when i got out of that car i really do i can't lie to you because it's a weird color every time we meet now i just go let me just meet you at the restaurant because i don't want to pull up in a Lamborghini i don't want to pull up in a car with the cars where the doors go up on the side like a rocket ship first off like a McLaren yeah like first first off you know what i'm not comfortable in those fucking cars i'm a big dude number two i just can't pull up in front of a place and come out of that fucking car smoke's coming out yeah

like i can't feel it's has never been for me i don't like sports cars because i don't like being so close to the ground it feels weird it feels like a truck could run you over they do i don't know do they sometimes well they're very close to the ground that's why they have that's why the car they are i mean i don't need to be high up on a suv but i'd rather just be regular height with regular well the super i used to have i bought it twice in a row and i got to be too low for me i'm like this is too fucking low and i was about to give up two months ago i was about to give up guys because there was only one car beside that Subaru i really liked i wanted to try and that's the Cadillac me too that was it besides that i'm a Subaru guy and i was driving down my block and

i saw a car not like my wife but the other one it's a little smaller and cuter and i said let me get in that i loved it it's perfect with a little higher you know what i'm saying i'm not looking to fucking uh i'm not looking at johnny lamborghini and nothing like that i'm just trying to put the motherfucking pieces together but yeah you're always doing something i'm really proud of you for putting together a little show you're still working with the same manager oh yeah um oh my show i just had a live podcast taping with ico Tanaka and um and uh kevin shea now i go to not that she's the girl that was a comic 20 years ago at the store that woman oh no no no no no that's somebody else yeah yeah yeah there was a big time japanese woman that hung out well she in fact she dated

sam kennison ico something from the comedy store in the 80s and 90s real pretty japanese girl i think she's back in japan don't stand up now last time i saw her she was at the store i heard about her i never met her yeah yeah old school and stuff ran with the fucking outlaws real crazy fucking agent no ico was a model and she was on howard stern before she became a comedian little ico yeah little ico's a cute girl yeah she's really kevin shea's a bad motherfucking comic yeah so i know kevin shea a long time i just posted that episode today koo and the gang is my podcast koo and the motherfucking koo and the gang she got a little tv show you got the podcast where are you soon where you going on the road soon i'm gonna be at um the bay shore club in miami

on august 7th and they book comics there all the time yeah do they really the bay shore club is yeah what's going on with the door on my improv have you seen it yet have you heard rumors i don't know what's going on with the durell yes but i heard it's opening yes yeah so they're gonna have a club in miami pretty soon we can both work that motherfucker yeah man have a good time as the koo koo the korean that cuban that cuban bread fuck yeah that's the cool so both your parents are korean yeah well my mom just died i'm sorry to hear that how old was she so she was 64 okay yeah she didn't do that bad like i would you know what i said muscle talk yeah you miss her you know um you know you reminisce yeah how was your relationship brother it wasn't good better with

no worse with your dad no i mean like you know i've been through therapy so my therapists once i told them about my parents they like advised me not to you know really hang out with my parents anymore but i used to do you know what i mean like you're code you become codependent and shit and i i used to do things for her all the time i cleaned her room one time she was so messy she was like a kid i cleaned my mom's bedroom one time and i found like worms and like papers from like 1994 you know some people just don't know how to but she was a big gambler korean yeah yeah and she would like she would gamble so much in illinois that she had to like get herself on like a list of like in gambles anonymous they have you do like uh you know but like if you win

anything you have to give it back like you sign yourself up to do that so what was she gambling on she was playing she wouldn't even play blackjack lee what'd she play yes pie gal flop machine yes yes no because women are addicted to those she would do and she would be doing especially a new one she would win 11 000 dollars 13 000 dollars buy a car and then not be able to pay the taxes and then you know and then and then lose it all back we're hearing your dad still marry yeah your dad knew about the gambler the piss him off because he's not he's not like that he's not like that yeah and she would go crazy she'd just sneak into the night down there you know my mom married my dad and my dad was a poor guy but my mom came from a nice family you know she would like she

she like i when i went to korea and i met my relatives i was like oh my mom's side they're all like doctors and my dad's side they're all like taxi drivers she like married down that's why she was addicted to gambling probably because she didn't have any money what they do for a limit my dad was a worked at the post office overnight and my mom was a nurse a little bit of money began like nine kids two kids five kids wow no but they made them give 20 percent of their money away to the church oh what church it's a church that i grew up in the korean church yeah the korean church they picked you up with the van it's evangelical church no they had cars cars yeah because i seemed like the little korean community they couldn't afford a van they were the the church was in a

house they like took took a house and knocked the walls down all the neighbors hated us what were they doing with all that money um it would there's a lot of poor people at the church so they would just like pay for people's apartments or help people help people pay for their wedding rings and shit like that wedding rings that's a luxury yeah i'll help nobody pay i'll help you pay for an apartment i know right fucking to get a meal yeah to get a warm blanket a lot of a lot of broke ex-drug addicts were members of the church and i don't want to say ex-drug addicts but it was just like a lot of do you imagine paying 20 percent on top of taxes dude i know man that's why they like we didn't have anything because all the money went to the church and then i worked

for the church also you know i'm crazy dog well i didn't give them the church dick yeah all right i didn't give them the church dick i go to the apple to fit in the basket and i feel comfortable with the skinny finish you know what i'm saying after that you gotta fucking talk to me to give you a little bit more and i got friends that need help i got friends that need help so that's a catholic for me that's a catholic way instead of me going to a church and giving 10 percent listen every fucking month i either send money to my sister or my godmother i got no choice anymore my godmother i gotta pay for a fucking electric bill in miami it's 170 a month in the fucking winter in the summer with the air conditioner with the air conditioner because the air conditioner jacks

up or something like that so i get it you know i'm saying i get it that's a catholic way i take care of my family besides that what do you want me to do give you 10 points of my action 20 points of my action for what to go there and play the tambourine so i can let people know how good of a dude i am so at the end of the year people fucking saying let's let's give it up for the ds family for also being part of the fucking suckers on the list and everybody around you man people just go to church because they're lonely this is always people go to church for various reasons i go to church from time to time i'm not making fun of anybody who goes to church i just went to church early on and seen what it was to a lot of people you get it i see what it is

to you lee said he went to that fucking uh the rocky horror picture show to some people people go like okay but for some dude i saw it 69 times you know i was here one night when susan torrand didn't walk then that type of shit you know you with me you know with me i remember one time it was the summer maybe the winter of 81 and at the fairview cinema which was a double cinema at midnight they would always play rocky horror picture show and something else some nights it was uh pink floyd live in pompe or they had they had a new young movie they had a bunch of movies in the late 70s and one time it was the same so me lubes halloween and glen county inferny drive up to fairview cinema which is a mile from where our headquarters was you

could i walked it sometimes from where i used to hang out and we were all pretty cool at that time you know i grew up in that era with punk music in the city i had my friend that was gay so he would always tell me about cbgb's and all that stuff like that and i knew about rocky horror picture showing between you and me it wasn't for me it just i ain't into that shit so i paid my four bucks wherever the midnight movie was but out of the four of us there was one dude who i knew it wasn't gonna work out for him if he wanted that his name was roger halloween roger didn't play nothing like that he didn't talk to people with long hair he didn't like tattoos he didn't like greasy hair he didn't like marijuana he fucking hated people smoke marijuana every time i sparked

up in front of me he would lose his fucking mind so we walk into this movie theater and i i look at him and he goes i gotta go pee and all of a sudden i sit down i get my popcorn i get my soda i walk through the middle of movie theater i sit down and next thing you're fucking know like i forget about him and next day i'm gonna hear fuck you no fuck you you bunch of fucking pussies come on yeah knock you out he's young he's young others like uh i'll drop you like cancer you fuck and he's saying all that shit i go that's roger i turn around and he's got like three of those rocky horror picture shows guys outside he's in the box i'm like oh what's the problem what's the problem he's these fucking guys i walked into the wrong theater he went back into that theater and he wasn't

prepared for that he wasn't into that by no means the rest of us like i said if we walked in there we'd be high i'd just walk in there sitting giggle but this guy was too much for him he got to a boxing match i turned around and there's fucking roger telling the guy fuck you get the fuck back in there before i'll drop you like cancer i thought the movie goes he stoned oh my god people are jumping up and down i don't like it no no it's too much ronko jar he was too i'm talking man when i was 21 20 i had an older girlfriend and in snowman's village she lived in basalt i lived in snowman's she was 27 or 29 she worked on a wine show i don't fucking know this girl next thing always started having sex she introduced me to breed cheese and wine cheese crackers and wine

like what the fuck is this shit this mold that's why we broke up do you like breed cheese no i love breed cheese i'm very thankful that she turned me on to breed cheese she was from Milwaukee she was an Italian girl but she wanted me to meet her at the rocky hour picture show and i was like i got time for fucking fun in games i'm gonna go see trading places with my gorilla buddies so i want to see trading places with motherfucking the legend eddie murphy at that time we never talked again so much better choice never spoke again after that how weird is that how do you guys break up then we just never spoke again that shit happens that shit happens nowadays these kids they like see each other on like on social media after they break up and they dump each other on a taxon and then you

like look up who the new girlfriend or new boyfriend fuck that none on right it's better to just like leave each other and never look up each other ever again i was in love with a girl one time dog i was in love with her guys i mean it was fucking real i was in love with her and shit and shit crack i lacked 35 years ago we could we crack a lack that just graduate i just didn't graduate that's why i quit high school but it was that summer when i was supposed to graduate we were in love and then for a month we kind of argued that i robbed a fucking jewelry store and had to leave town the love was over you know what i'm saying she's told me for what i was it's so fucking weird man and uh what's the point here what we talking about being in love shit happens to you when you

like have like these blinders on isn't love so blinding it really is like we just dog i left and we never spoke again about anything when i got back seven months later she was dating a dear friend of mine i never said boo and one night i went to a dear friend of mine's house to hang out it just happened he had he was a coke dealer and she was there and that's the first time and that's the first time i saw her since our little rendezvous a couple arguments i'm like what's up nothing good to see you good to see you and we basically spoke one time after that and she asked me never to call her again 1985 we'll never spoke again and that's what your life is made of sometimes what would have happened if you called her what would her reaction have been

if i called her again you know she's like don't ever call me again but then what if a year later you called her what do you think she was saying she was in love there was no reason to call her she was already in love with a different dude not even a friend of mine she had met a different dude and he had her on the street narrow she wasn't out drinking no more a party and that was it nobody ever saw her again and uh she's she's not even on facebook uh our friends are on facebook and when they hang out i see the pictures of nothing it's like nothing ever happened but that's part of your life you know i'm saying like you you're gonna meet a thousand people some you're gonna keep in touch with some you didn't jizz with in the first place

and some you're not gonna bro there's people i still look for on a constant level a dude named keith corn that i used to call kato from 83 to 87 i was tight with kato he was my weak connection to fucking aspen snowmass but the salt he lived down valley when i fucking split he took my safe i was tight with kato dug that was my dog there's thousands of people at some nights in the middle of the night just remember the name and i'll get up and google their name nothing i'll google where they last lived they think about it nothing there's ways to google to find people i'm just not a pro i'm not a private investigator there's ways that you get right to it you know what i'm saying i google people from my grade school too they can't be found the worst one for me just talking

about x's and stuff like that i hate when they block you on social media that drives me bananas they block you yeah well when you break up with them after you break up oh i don't block nobody like that if you broke up with you is there any reason to talk to you no but don't the blocking is it's just i don't even i'm not gonna talk to you i just why waste the number get the fuck out we're not in love no more what do you want to talk about no we're not gonna talk movie we'll talk about facebook review we'll talk about no take a hike cucks look i wouldn't love that's the one i understand heartbreak but let me tell you something i took such a heartbreak in the seventh grade that i got lit back for it the heartbreak was pain

from the painful as to cool in the seventh grade i was in love with a chick i'd run in front of a fucking bus bar in the seventh grade what did you guys go out we did a lot of things as to cool everything but sex we would dry hump shit like that listen to music never did drugs fell in love she told me we're gonna have sex and she said she wanted to wait and that put me into a tailspin i couldn't even focus just dry humping her would make my heart beat you know what i'm saying like just a whole mystery of what happened at that age really till this day it was just weird at that age i hope i hope no i hope i hold no ill will it's weird um well how old are you the first time you got your heart broken um probably 20 20 21 why did you break your heart i was old i was old

already you were you were only in seventh grade what's the fucking difference because like i just i never i had never gone out with anybody in grade school or high school you know me yeah yeah like i never i never lost my virginity i went to my freshman year of college a full virgin the whole fucking year and then my sophomore year i got a boyfriend and um and we went out and i we would like write each other fucking letters did you write letters yes yeah i would we would write letters and we would like i would like read his letter and he would read my letter and i would just like cry with him you know like my first few boyfriends i just cried like the whole relationship you know like it was it was like there i hadn't been to therapy yet so the whole relationship i'm

just crying you know you ever have a girlfriend that just doesn't stop crying why are you crying what the fuck are you crying about just crying just i had to like i couldn't cry when i was a kid like you know you said you're mystified by asian cultures and like asians i mean koreans like they don't really let you cry it's a very machismo culture so if you cry like you're a little bitch and you can't even like cry in front of your family so you would have all this built up anger or you know sadness that you couldn't express in front of your brother or sister or your mom or dad and so i would be in my room crying by myself you know like with the door closed like you can't you can't cry in public it's crazy my daughter's going through that phase

right now where she has a nervous breakdown and it drives me fucking crazy like i can't fucking deal with it and i keep my cool you know me i'm a fucking gentleman i talked to her but deep down inside it drives me crazy so something happened at the pool last week water got in her nose and she got scared i don't fucking know so my wife signs were up with swimming classes we go on tuesday we get there and she breaks into a fit she don't want to go fucking swim that she's scared of the water you know she was crying and shit and i just listened and i held her and i just said listen why don't we just sit down here put your feet in the water you don't want to go in you don't have to go in but if you want to go in you jump in with the rest of the kids and

the instructor and i went and sat with my wife and some friends and it was crazy because i gotta be honest with you well if she was sitting there it was breaking my fucking heart i mean i got a fucking kid who's scared of the goddamn water what the fuck did i do and five minutes later she jumped in the head first so all that shit was for nothing you know what i'm saying but it's still late tonight i mean how many more times is that gonna happen i mean i don't like tonight i was sitting there on the computer she came in she goes daddy can i watch your computer go sure i go to youtube i ask her i tell her to spell it out she writes it in after 20 minutes i could sit down i go let me take a hike i'll leave you here by yourself but i know the condition i know exactly how i leave the notebooks

i gotta hide everything i gotta hide the weeds everything when she's around but i know she's gonna snoop it's in her nature it's in her gene it's who i am so two minutes later i sit i don't sit down for two minutes i hear bop bop bop and i don't say a fucking word and my wife's sitting there rubbing her toes what the fuck she's doing not me i know that i know i know the noise of death i know a noise of fucking snooping and i look at it and she's busted out crying daddy i moved and your picture fell down the picture she drew for me it's fucking three ghosts and some shit that i got on my wall i go what happened she goes i'm so sorry she got up and hugged me i go why the hell are you crying i don't know yeah why are you crying the fuck you're crying about you

didn't do nothing it's an accident right yeah okay give me a hug give me a kiss go sit down and stop crying okay it drives me crazy when she cries and she doesn't know why she's crying she's my little for you and it drives me crazy i work at that with her but it's every fucking day three times a day i gotta talk to about this shit like if lisa if joey diets was your dad would you cry uh joey diets is like i'm second daddy like i don't look at her and go stop fucking crying i would never do that oh that's all i was told i asked her why are you crying tell me what the problem you reason with her like she's an adult slow down and what you talk to her like that yeah that's how you're supposed to talk to kids i even thought yeah what's going on let me give me a hug what are you feeling

express your words fuck that shit she's a year away from being like a medium kid she's got to understand these things so what's the problem slow down a toddler no she's four and a half fucking toddler she hasn't crawled in three fucking years she's running all fucking day long when she gets home she's got is she your cardio what do you mean my cardio she's my everything you run after her she's my everything it's all fucking day we she goes to school but in the mornings i got her for an hour and a half in the morning you know i dress her i sit her down i give her a vitamin i get her a chocolate milk my wife you know does the brushing the teeth we brush her hair at five o'clock let me taste my avianos you guys i didn't talk to the other thing i listen

from now when you come home from school you gotta jump in the fucking shower door you're on fire you're kicking because it's sweat on top of fucking sweat on top of sweat so when you bring them to school at nine they stay outside and sweat for an hour then they go inside they sit in the fucking air conditioner she's got curly fucking thick hair so that sweat sits in the scalp you're kicking then after lunch they run around again and they go back in and she's sweating her cheeks are red and the fucking hair the sweat pukes in the air then she lays down for two hours and they talk about god they talk about animals where the fuck they talk about then about three thirty they kick them out there like savages again and they're sweating until my wife and me pick her up at five

fucking thirty understand me and by that time when we pick her up there's been four different coats of sweat on her that have dried and sweat when she gets in the car and gives me a kiss i smell it and she smells like fucking dead salt do you understand me then i take her home and she sits with me and when i hugged one day i came here and i smelled this shirt and i go why do i smell so bad and it was because when i was sitting next to the computer i'd just taken a shower and the head was over here her head i got shut she stinks like she fucking it's terrible every day but she's a kid she runs around they're filthy they're fucking filthy i love it a death she got a little kick though when she comes home from school that's all i'm trying to say yeah do you have one of those

things where it's like a mop onesie and so she cleans the floor while she's running around not really i'm not into communist activity you know what i'm saying let me give some shout outs here listen man the worst thing ever is when i'm on the road and people give me stuff and it gets juggled sometimes people give me stuff and it gets fucking juggled and when i was in st louis this dude dan came up to me like the first or second night gave me a little container and it had a number in there i took the number out and i took the note out and i put the note in my fucking wallet and i forgot all about that i had that motherfucker hidden in there and the other day i thought i misplaced an ATM card and i went looking in the wallet and i read this note from

this guy and i kind of got sad because he said he was in bad shape and he wanted to sit with me for an hour and i found you know i left st louis the second week of july i just found the fucking thing last week so dan if you listen you know i love you and i'll be in touch with you minutes with mark marco i love you joe cunningham kick and wing mic silico eric rendon jimmy james morgillpin and ryan mark gilpin and ryan mcqually you know i love you motherfuckers i'm very sorry about the bogota it's sold out but i'll be back bitches fucking got them november second week go to gotham.com new york city whatever the fuck it is for details you guys got a lot of time sorry about that i really didn't think that tickets would go that fast so thank you for the love

and the support you people fucking aces are you gonna play anything in atlantic city i have no fucking idea lee i don't even know what they have available my little brother he's i'm saying i'm gonna be in and out of there did you ever go as a kid you always talk about people going i went to atlantic city to be strictly honest or you may be three times and i think one time i played slots and i ate crab legs one time i went down there for to see a concert maybe i don't fucking know i've been to atlantic city three times i know nothing about i could lie to you until i know this a famous sandwich place in philly or a famous hamburger place if i got time i go over and see what the fuck they're talking about but besides that i don't know about i got kicked out of a pool

party for having a hat atlantic city in atlantic city why do they want you to like there's like a dress code like no hats no flip no flip flops at harris okay and did you have like a baseball yeah like you thought you were like fucking rap a g you don't think girls are good in baseball heads i think those are really good i think it's a style that i don't know have you seen that fucking chick that's driving with her sister in the back of the car and the sister dies i don't like watching that stuff i can't have you seen the video it's it's been going around the prosecutor did you see it yeah i saw it she's in the car acting like johnny i never understood that behavior i never understood that behavior unless you're an actual rapper that's making millions of

fucking dollars then you could do all this fucking shit with hats on backwards besides that i don't want to fucking see it you gotta see when you fly from anywhere to la when you fly from anywhere like when you fly somewhere let's say you spend the weekend in orlando florida you fly from lax to orlando florida you land you get off the plane you go do your thing for three days when you get back to orlando on sunday to fly back look at the people as you approach the terminal of the people whether you're flying this going to la look around at the people how they change from the rest of the people in the airport also you see more women with yoga pants on more women with hot pants and heels walking all at six in the morning when they saw this drama some do with a fucking

guitar don't do that come on a plane with a guitar you drive me fucking crazy they come on with the fucking guitar and skateboard you drive me you drive me fucking crazy you drive me fucking crazy with those fucking guitars like really pack that shit and fucking luggage what is that guitar going to do like all that shit drives me crazy but those are the people you once you start seeing service dogs you know you know you're taking a flight back to los angeles like it's it's really sad i don't even know what my fucking point is and it is i was fucked it's funny when though i always make a joke because you used to live in florida yeah i always make a joke when i want to visit my dad because when all the fights to for a lot of deal like you know like they have like most

lights have like one or two people with a wheelchair that fight has like 30 people with wheelchairs up in front and i i made a joke to the stewardess is that it's all all jewish people will have it have tuna sandwiches in every single row like it's it's but it's funny like for those areas so i'm sure it happens everywhere is it like for la like i'm sure it's weird going but on the way back it's people who are just completely fake right completely different you see good looking dudes that didn't take a shower the hair is extra fucked up to let you know they don't care you know you get women dressed in the nines you get black dudes that look like they're on the cover of jet magazine and you know what at the end of the day they're all sitting

in row 32a so all that fucking costume to sit in the back of the fucking plane i could see if you were flying first class and you think you're fucking johnny do up and you got the fucking johnny mullin young hat you sit down with your fucking chinese girlfriend with the lake hat on and shit i understand if you're gonna sit in fucking first class not that i fly first class i'm just saying but for that fucking get up if you're not flying in first class why do you have that costume why the fuck do you have that outfit on to do what just put jeans on and sneakers and a fucking t-shirt and be yourself that's what drives me fucking crazy so i'm not saying i don't like you with a handle i think fucking uh you still got i just like to accessorize i'm not trying

to be one of those people with the hats on hanging out with the people with the guitars on the airplanes yeah a fucking guitar on an airplane like yeah you're the rush you need to play sometimes you never know what's that well they actually have had like stories of like united or whatever breaking really expensive guitars it's on purpose if i was down i'd break those guitars too why do you think one by one i'd be breaking those guitars we've had so many things that you hate i either cut the strings with the fucking thing but you know what i'm lying to you because if you check it i'm cool with you it's the people that bring the fucking thing on the plane like they're gonna bust out and so like somebody on the plane is

gonna go we didn't know you have a guitar can you sing us a song like somebody's gonna have a panic attack on the plane like hey is there anybody who could sing a song to soothe this woman what the fuck are we talking about about the vomit what is this conversation about and lose consciousness to start this shit so are you moving out of miami full-time that's it you're gonna be out here a new fucking starling you're gonna give lucy louis run for i was uh lucy louis stand in when um when she started her show elementary in miami in new york in new york was she sweet to you she was cool she's she was like really nice like she talked to everybody on set you know like one guy got like a black eye for something and she he came to work on monday and she was like she was like

what happened to you you know she was concerned about him she was nice you tell her you're gonna be a bad bitch and knock her off her number one spot where you got through it they were like take her posted yeah we had we had that staring contest did you really know she know you're the baddest bitch out there right now sounds like you're promoting a UFC fight you know these motherfuckers don't know you know i'm saying lucy louis a bad you couldn't you couldn't pay me to go to a UFC fight i don't want you to go to a UFC fight i don't give a fuck if you want to know you know uncle joey who wants to take it to a UFC fight do you not like that stuff at all i just don't like fighting then don't go yeah don't watch it even if it's like set up and they're getting paid

for it it's still violent and you know it's startling and the same way to see people get punched in the head yeah you just said earlier that you like seen street fights and a guy beat up his chick and choked her out with a fucking shirt off no he wasn't being violent she they were just drunk and high and fucked up and they were just screaming just running through the street i was like yo man you're lucky you didn't just get hit by a car so the ufc it's not that you don't like the ufc rephrases it's that the violence and they punch each other it just hits your stomach a different way yeah exactly yeah i know a lot of people that feel that way they don't like those yeah you know when you grow up with violence in your home it's like it's traumatizing for you so

it's not you it's not entertaining for me to watch that did they beat you at the church yeah you know but not at the church just like in my house who hit you both of them um my brother your brother you should lock in that yeah are you tight with him today what do you think no no did you forgive him no no i found a therapist who told me that i don't have to forgive him oh that's a good one so you pay a dude to say what do you think yeah i forgive him no yeah what do you think and then you just keep paying people till you find that person who's out who tells you you're gonna charge me a week 240 i'll give you a 10 package you don't have to forgive them is how much they charge because i've been thinking about doing it but i just i you're still going to therapist now um i see

her when i need a tune up do you are you happier yeah are you on medication no you're straight up g you start this star this star medication okay yeah are you happy with how long have you been in therapy as a total um probably like two years okay and it's work for you it makes you feel better yeah yeah i think it's helped is it is it effective for you stand up yeah to clean your mind a little bit do you meditate you also go to yoga i go to yoga i meditate okay yeah so you clean your mind a little bit why don't you take the medication to stop hearing the voices what medication the one that you told me would take him there because you're hearing voices will be at mom and no no i just i just take these stars with you okay we're happy then that's good that this

you know man like marijuana marijuana is the best medication because it just calms you down and who the fuck am i you know when i got locked up that therapist in there i use them as uh an hour of entertainment for myself i i really did it's really embarrassing like i didn't use them do you do the kind where like you talk like actually like tell stories like no it was like a man's group that you went on wednesday night a group and you're talking a group group and some people spoke about their beefs on the prison some people spoke about their expectations when they got out of prison and shit like that you know and i went to a couple of those i don't know i felt like i was giving them 50 percent of what i'm supposed to give them

and then when i got out of prison at the halfway house they had to do you had in-house therapy and you also had to pay for one session a month and the guy's name was hawish weber and he was cool as fuck and to make things even better i was tight with his brother so his brother worked with me on the sly and i would go see this brother you always find the juice and yeah i loved them and at first it was weird because at first i used them as a hand job because the state wanted me to do it so i just fed them shit you know what i'm saying but then i came a positive one time for cocaine and they were gonna put me in jail or i got a scratch on that this nickel i don't want to embarrass you i have a little nut that's itchy over here you know what i'm saying every once in a

while did you just shave them no it's been years since i shaved them why would i fucking shave them that sounds that's scary i can't why are they itchy because every once in a while you put a pair of jeans on you leave in a rush you know what i'm saying i washed them like four times today i went to jujitsu i washed them nice you have to always take a lot of showers four showers i think about four showers you're the you're the reason we're in a drought i took a shower this morning then when i got back from jujitsu i took a shower and then i went to pick up mercy and we ran around and the shirt just stunk the shirt i had on just stunk i don't know if it was body old i had a shirt that something happened to it you were pick up a shirt you put it on and while you're in the car

you're like something ain't right you're a good fart or something like something happened to that it's like i went into a restaurant you ever get like farts trapped in your blanket all the time when you lift it up you smell the fart even if you didn't fart for the past day that's terrible that's the thing you don't even go that wouldn't fart you're like a nice sweet girl you don't think i love farting girls fart dude you gotta get over it i love farting yeah it's 2017 you don't believe that girls fart i believe what's the budget time for change how much is the gambling budget i'm not sure i have i haven't we'll see how i'm gonna how i do the first night i think i just want to make one bet on the u of c and then i'm deciding i know your

thoughts already but i'm deciding if i want to make a small mayweather migrager bet just to see but we'll see why don't you just deal with the bet in front of you don't worry about migrager way weather something might happen then you can bet that online worry about the move in front of you look at the undercards look at the middle card look at what the money is on the f***ing card but most importantly look at the weight okay make sure at 3 30 i'm gonna give a f*** with paul to send it to a f***ing library what day it's probably gonna be friday oh i didn't even know that yeah oh no it's an anaheim oh yeah you're right dammit it's f***ing sold out it's sold out so just make sure friday at 3 30 you tell paul to take a f***ing hike and you go to the sports book and

watch the way in okay and watch the way in the top five are you dating a polish girl and no her name is paula and see what how they looked at the thing and you'll see one hole i think i saw something already worry about the two fights don't ever worry about the two main card that's how i'm bad it doesn't matter what you want to bet you're a jew you're in it to make money betting is the same move be a better julie but i think i don't you don't know nothing only you're you're born to death you know that's true you've been giving those casinos money that's so anything you don't go back to yeah now it's the time now it's the time to get your money back all that money you lost there johnny durante listen to me look at me listen to me make a smart bet

make one move and get the f*** out of that you never look at the it's like when it's like a monday night football game if you bet a monday night football game you're a sucker that's six o'clock america game you're a sucker those are people who are desperate because they lost all weekend at football if you bet that mbc game that game the fix is already f***ing in before you play and guess what it's gonna be against you as usual you're not gonna bail on the parlay you're just gonna sink in the eternal flames of hell and you've got one savior monday night and guess what monday night's about putting the blow torch in your balls and killing you for six f***ing months how do i know this again the reason why i don't buy a bmw is because i sold cars the reason why i don't gamble

is because i worked for a sports betting service and i learned one thing you make the same amount of money that may weather against my grega as orburn state against new mexico state really doesn't matter you just want to better to tell your friends how f***ing cool you are if you're looking to make money you're looking to make money that's true but there's no but lady you're btl just get the tattoo on your f***ing shoulder what does that mean born to lose you're not gonna beat the books god damn it if you hit the books four times a year and you go three and one you have a 50% chance of being right you get two net winners so if you put a three thousand dollar come on you put a two thousand dollar bet four times a year and you go three and one that means

you won four thousand dollars for the f***ing year right because people have to work all year for that you know why because you're betting smart you're not betting to be nobody's f***ing chill but i'm also not betting that high of an amount doesn't really matter then why then why then why even make the move to waste your time well no what are you talking about to bet 25 bucks and then why make the move if you're gonna make a move and gamble make the f***ing move guy well i used to gamble i don't have a way to get robbed gas stations why i think i robbed f***ing jewelry stores why i think i did all those horrible things over the years because i bet when you're gonna go go well that if you're gonna go go i had the same problem you had i couldn't pick a winner but guess what over the years i've

learned how to gamble right now that's what i always leave with three or four hundred dollars and for the as i made money a couple fights last year i made money and nobody knew and you make a good point i'll definitely look at the undercard but you see i can't at all bet on the upper doesn't really matter what or who you want to do you're in business to do one thing when you gamble and that businesses make money that's true all your little faggotries of my favorite he's from boston it all goes out the window and gambling especially for sports that's why they tell you never been against your home team never been against them that's rule number one because you're always gonna lose especially no the city where you live in you could bet knowing

just don't bet the rams but it's hard for me i like i don't know if i could ever bet against red sox that's the issue so let's stay away from that game exactly it's probably another game like just because you're a fucking red sox fan doesn't mean you have to bet them late yeah exactly i would do that it's 26 baseball games you never bet what would we just fucking say your home team because you bet emotionally you're in this business to make money that's why i wasn't getting gambling but as i got old i knew how to make moves right you learn how to go it doesn't there's 17 weeks in a football season right yes if you could win three times for 2000 a fucking time which you could do instead of let me play a three-team parlay for two teams for three dollars a week you ain't gonna

win dick right and if you win they get they're gonna get you later on you want to bet smart and enough there are upsets when you get an urge you always look at next week like when you bet it like right now tomorrow i want to bet football okay i look at that's the cool this week i look at the games but i also look at next week where they're gonna be and you always gotta ask yourself can they lose two in a row or will they overlook these people who won the Super Bowl last year New England okay so everybody's gonna be watching New England from week one that's the heavy NFL game right you either hate Brady you don't want to hate Brady or bet against the Brady right

so what do you do you stay away from Brady in New England and those are the games that you'll make money on you'll make money and let's look at the fucking card for the UFC okay let's see if there's anything that just ends up with the story done i'm high it's okay i like those shorts tonight those are the best shorts you've worn on this shirt why'd you cover up the back when you check them out and shit these are the only shorts that i've worn on your show i know those are the best ones yeah why'd you cut the back what why do you have a little skirt coming in the back you're holding your mufflers no that's how these shorts come they come with uh little shorts in the back yeah with like a little sweatshirt with like strings like very nice you know

here i was thinking that you were trying to be fucking stylish like you just came from a sound garden concert or something rest in peace all right so everybody's gonna try to be a genius and bet what they're all gonna try to bet fucking john kormie jones okay now who else you got lola sarone and you got uh woodley maya woodley maya and you got cyborg ebbinger cyborg ebbinger which that just i don't know what could happen that one scares me and i don't really know but you're not gonna make money if you bet cyborg right what's uh what's uh fx card see the one i'm like on the fx card is the uh feely one only because and this is i've become a big fan of uh your rya faber on instagram and his team has gone on like

an incredible run his team and he's part of that uh team alpha male who's he fighting see it's someone katar he has it he has and i actually looked at this earlier he's had a decent amount fights but i don't think he's been in the u of c before oh that's not good when i have a picture so i think i think that my wife was calvin katar photoshy because i don't think he's been in the u of c before i don't have a picture with him oh this is his first time right probably oh that's exciting everybody is like googling him to see what he looks like yeah see like right there let's google him like right there nothing really comes out that i want to bet on this card really like nothing i can't i don't i can't see the lola seroni fight that could go yeah that's scary

isn't lola coming off a knockout they're okay they're both coming off of losses right they're both coming off of losses yeah this is a weird fight then you have uh i don't the man in what guy is supposed to be pretty good i've seen one of his fights and it was he fighting ozdemir click the picture there bulkin i think i've seen him fight before switzerland 230 i don't know these people what number is he what number is he he is number five and jimmy monowah three manua you know i forget this may be the guy with the arm i don't fucking know yeah nothing jumps out on me damian maya willie that could go either way really that could go

either way man even though how on the tear that no disrespect to willie with the tear that mines better on you think why willie can knock him the fuck that's also very true and i've heard woody's a really great wrestler he's a great wrestler you know click on there is he a collar you know i don't really guys i don't know stats and stuff like that don't be angry with me i don't know what his pedigree is i'm very very sorry he's a pretty good he has a better take down defended than mine does i think he was a wrestling college or something so he's always the champ he's not there's not yeah i guys nothing screams out of me maybe i'll feel different than sadly just don't bet the bet lee always remember that don't bet because you feel like you got a gun to

yet right you don't feel strong about anything here john jones come here and go either way i don't know i don't know i have a really strong feeling that kormie is going to win i don't know and but and and and jones is a monster and amazing but everything that i keep watching this week all the interviews i just like what kormie sang i just like the the work he's putting in i like that he's honest about about the his i listened to the podcast with him um matt sarah and jim norton the UFC one and he was very honest about what he thought his uh shortcomings were and the that's the one thing i don't really hear from john jones i he's just a little bit like just to be very honest like it just seems like if you if you look at other stories happening

you can i could just see this playing out with him losing just all the trash he's talking and it just it just i could just see it as a movie playing out like that's i don't think i don't have to bet the fucking thing i'll be involved with it i wish you a lot of luck i'm back and i'm betting that hopefully you'll win money and bring me back my vague from three years ago besides that that's the cool i'm happy you're on the road i want people to watch your fucking show because you're a talented woman you're a fucking savage you got nice shorts on tonight thank you where you had it from here tonight you got a spot on anywhere um i'm going to i might stop at hooters what's going on at hooters they do comedy they do they had Wednesdays their show have you

been there before yeah is it cool it's cool they get people yeah who hosts um steven steven hollamin beautiful send him my love yeah thank you for coming back on the show thank you for having me i'm going to be in sacramento august 10th at laughs unlimited okay make sure you motherfuckers from the church go down and see esta cuckoo and shit and tell them the church sent you i'm happy you came on esta cuckoo number one let me read off my sponsors and i'll get you motherfuckers out of here i'm happy you're here the month is over i guess i'll see you motherfuckers monday morning we'll put this together one way or another but before anything listen like i'm telling you tushy's are back not tushy's bidets are back and let's correct that portable bidets

they're not back they never be around they've never been around that's why tushy's here to help you live better live longer and walk around with a clean little muffler you understand me because trust me nobody but nobody walks or walk around with a dirty muffler hello tushy.com has devised a portable bidet that attaches right to your toilet it takes 15 minutes right lee 15 minutes 15 minutes to connect ping bang boom and next thing you know you live in utopia you have no idea what it is on a hot day when you've been walking your feet are sore your knees hurt your hips feel out of place but you got a poop you sit down your poop you had a bad tuna fish sandwich it comes out the wrong hole but guess who comes for the rescue oh that little sprinkling water from that little

portable bidet into your muffler and let me tell you something your whole day will be brightened it's like meditation yoga sex cocaine ecstasy all in one if you haven't had cold water sprinkled into your asshole and don't sit on those things if you get high because next thing you know you think you got a midget sitting in your bowl just spitting up into your asshole it's that type ecstasy that's what hello tushy does number two they avoid different diseases for you say hello say goodbye to swamp ass say goodbye to hemorrhoids and say to your body just all everyday junk that just hangs out down there sometimes you miss a spot you go swimming you you walk around that spot ferments and it sits in it's gonna collects other particles as it goes out and that creates fucking stink

ass and you can't figure it out because you wipe your muffler and it's clean but that little stink button is still in the corner who's gonna eat your asshole who's gonna lick your balls like nobody understand me that's why you gotta get a portable bidet that's where hello tushy comes in plus they got a 90 day guarantee who looks you up like that go to hello tushy dot com right now and press hello tushy dot com slash church boom and get 10% off you understand me you know why tell him uncle joey sent you and just very quickly i don't think we've talked a much about the portability i think we should you it's very doable if you wanted to have one set up at the office if you have your own bathroom at the office or even maybe talk to your the office manager

it's always saying that i could take him on the road and install him and have no problem for the weekend very with a portable bidet so i think i'm gonna give the shot i'm gonna give the shot from the house take it anyway go to hello tushy dot com slash church right now and get 10% off delivery to the house let me tell you something do yourself a favor get two of them you're gonna love them that much one for your office bathroom and one for the house and don't forget it not only cleans your muffler you can put your nutsack in there you know i'm saying i have your nutsack all clean you can put your monkey in there and soak that before the fucking guest comes over hello tushy dot com slash church 10 percent number two your monkey or your monkey's nest that's right

with all we all want to eat better right everyone wants to eat better everybody wants to eat healthier but when it comes to snacks sometimes it feels like the whole world is delicious and they have billion calories they're versus boring and tasteless it feels like the whole world is delicious and the billion calories versus boring and just tasteless it doesn't have to be that way up your snack game with nature box nature box has over a hundred snacks that taste good and are actually better for you all snacks are made from high quality simple ingredients which means no artificial colors flavors of sweetness nothing so you can feel good about what you're eating my favorites tell them leave the chocolate nom nom oh my god the the uh cocoa the lentils

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happen got a little disposable reusable bag you don't want to eat the whole bag you can save for later go to naturebox.com slash joey and get your three free snacks i want to thank tushy i want to thank nature box i want to thank honnet i want to thank my beautiful little sweet hearty who came on tonight that's the cool i want to thank my main man lisa yet i want you guys to know about the bogot and sold out i'm sorry but i'll see you guys the following week august fifth at the ice house for working out with uncle joey on the side of a 15 bucks all right you know i love you motherfuckers have a great weekend stay black be safe so

so I've been watching all you've been covering I've been breaking up all you've been nurses It's hard to wait to help Won't you kill yourself? And I've got just one thing that I can offer Go and save yourself Take it on me

Go and save yourself Take it on me You know I'm not enough I'm not a burden And I won't preach to you But here's a question You better understand That I won't hold your hand

But if it helps you man Then I won't stop it Go and save yourself Take it on me Go and save yourself Take it on me Go and save yourself Take it on me

Go and save yourself Take it on me If you want And I'll see you in the palm when you climb on my skin And put the blame on me so you don't feel sorry Gonna save yourself, take it on me