Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #503 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: August 1, 2017

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio talking about Joey's amazing show at The Borgata and why it was such a special show.  We also discuss the power of a good walk and how depression affects Lee. This podcast is brought to you by:  Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.     Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 07/31/2017.  

greetings welcome to podcastville the church of what's happened now was brought to you by Lyft Lyft knows that their drivers are what keeps them moving so they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip so join the ridesharing company that believes in treating its people better right go to lyft.com slash joey today and get a $500 new driver bonus that's lyft.com slash joey and get a nickel today limited time only terms apply number two this podcast is also brought to you by Tushy why should your ass smell like a billy goat when they're portable for days out there you're

sitting there your ass is stinking you know it you you could smell that rotten fucking muffler at the desk and you still won't get a portable but dad I don't want to tell you go to hellotushy.com I'm gonna listen I'm gonna end all your problems go to hellotushy.com right now and get a portable today hellotushy.com slash church slash church right now and get a portable day delivered to your house 10% off that's how we're working it out here on the church hit it Lee oh shit oh shit black people hitting gongs that's never a good fucking sign right there but if the church or what's happened now cocksuckers what

get down get down get down what were you thinking the church what's happening now uncle joey and his favorite motherfucking flying Lee Siah with all the good here we go Oh Fucking tremendous jam look up when that year this song came out Absolutely, this song everybody thought this came out in Pulp Fiction in 94 95 This song came out when I was in fucking grammar school And we were fucking going down to Kennedy School dancing to this shit

Doing the bump. I don't even know if you're released 1973 Yeah, this is this came out when I was in fucking grammar school It just get got revitalized again by Pulp Fiction But who gives a fuck just a little trivia for you cut suckers on a Monday morning That'll help someone sometimes. Yeah, we got a lot of messages from people who use pie every day I don't know if you saw that just one from the last podcast remember 3.14. Yeah, we got like pipe fitter We got like a lot about a lot of people who like I use it every day. What are you talking about? Yeah, I never fucking use it again welcome. Hope you had a great weekend. I know Lee was in

Viva Las Vegas with his wife walking around Holding hands wet and the debt. Oh, I had shorts. No, it was terrible. They're like I was thinking about it And I asked some lift drivers actually Those there's people selling those bottles of water on the strip for like I thought it was a dollar I didn't look at the sign some guy said he's seen it for $5 a bottle. Could you imagine how much money they're making? It's a hundred fucking 92 out in the street. Oh, yeah, I was in Atlantic City At the Borgata and it was sensational from A to Z if you came to this show I want to thank you to all my heart and it was like a fucking homecoming see because I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey

But the people who don't want to be in the political game they move They moved to Central, New Jersey, but a bulk of them moved to the shore So when I do shows at Gotham, it's a fucking hike for them. They can drink and when I do shows at In Central, New Jersey at New Brunswick Some of them come but now that I went down there 90% of them came because they all go down there on the weekends or they live down there I saw people I hadn't seen in 25 30 years and How how was like because I know you've said in the past that sometimes those shows get a little weird when you have like

You don't like them as much, but it seemed like this one really well This one went really well, you know the mentality in New Jersey is the Borgata is the place to be Right. Yeah, it's like the best casino down there. It's it's been around this 2003. It's an MGM property. I played it with Joe for one of the UFC's with Pat Milichich was there and The guy that Frank Mia broke his arm was there and Matthews who's in our always in our thoughts and our prayers Was there that's the last time I did that one up there first and eight ass And I was like, I'll never be at the Borgata again. It doesn't really matter. Well, is Atlantic City on like down the shores

That is that in the same place or just close? It's one of the short destinations Okay, so it's one of the many short destinations and you went down there. It's how many how many years? I've only been down there three times in my whole life. No way. Yeah. Okay. I Atlantic City opened when I was a child when I was first moved to Jersey And then the first time I went to Atlantic City was with Rogan For the Borgata and then I went again with Jimmy Burkle. God rest his soul One time to eat crab legs and I got a call from a booker to do a show up in Connecticut So we had to stop eating crab legs and get in the car and thank God Jimmy was cold

He drove me all the way to Connecticut for this gig and then this week was the third time I've ever been in that Wow, I would have said we've been down there a lot. No when I was in I only stayed till 83 85 and The crew I hang out with wasn't really they went to Atlantic City guys There was a lot of guys that were Atlantic City guys They liked it down there. I just at that time. I didn't have money again, right? Yeah, my money was for one thing and one thing only so I'm happy but It was funny because my anxiety was really high the day of I was starting to lose it throughout the day at certain points, you know It wasn't the bombing it was that I

Had heard that certain people coming I was kind of in shock because Those people never really spoke to me in high school and Guess what those people never really showed up the people that really showed up and hung out Who all the people I had grown up with and known all those years the runnies the Askelis is the minarees You know Gary Richmond who was a cop for a long time. He retired as a cop Jerry Aponte just a bunch of neat guys Ralph Fusso. Oh really Ralph Fusso was there And this is kind of like a negative way to think but do you think maybe some of the people who came who you were like Kind of surprised or maybe hoping you do bad and maybe they left out as soon as you like because this all good

You were doing because some people think like that. I think I gotta tell you man. Listen I'm you know, I've been writing this book and the one chapter That turned into something else was the first chapter because as I was writing it It's kind of like I let myself go, you know, and that's what I wanted I didn't want to write anything for years. I've been trying to write this thing But I wanted the people at home that were reading it to not read the words But to kind of feel while I was going through because without that feeling This book isn't gonna work, you know, this book isn't is not gonna work at all. How do

It sounds silly, but how do you convey it without words? Like it seems like words would be the one thing to do it Well words would do it Words would do it, but I got to paint the picture for them and the picture was that There was a time when I think I think and I'm not You guys know me at home. I'm not the seven person to put the blame off on something else But there was a time I think that my actions throughout the last two years of being in north bergen Were because when I left I never really wanted to come back

Like it was like Deep down inside. It was so much pain when I walked those streets those same street It's like going to a fucking gym and getting beat up at this gym. Every time you're gonna see that gym emotionally It's gonna put you somewhere. Do you know what I'm saying? Absolutely? Yeah. Yeah. It's like just a automatic reaction It's like a trigger and even now when I go back there. I'm there and I'm going through the motions Okay, but I feel a very low end discomfort At times I think that this comfort is going to grow. I keep myself busy I I only go back there for three days. I cover the spread. I'm always busy

But you know, there's a point on my visit to new jersey. I go to my mom northern new jersey Then I go to my mom's grave and I walk those streets just to Take me back there for a minute to make me feel Like I felt you know like just to get that feeling again that that Feeling of wanting because at that time. Yes, I had desperation and I had a lot of insecurities But I wanted I wanted a family. I wanted success. I wanted to have a job. I wanted to have a car

I wanted to have nice clothes. I wanted to have what my p is at and I didn't have those things. Absolutely. So Uh That last year I was just doing things because I knew Once I left this time I was not going to come back Do you think you knew you were leaving or you were just oh, I always knew I always knew I always knew a month after I got there. I knew I couldn't live this way But I was already caught up. I was caught up with my friends. I was caught up in a relationship So this is after you came back from colorado firm. Okay, got it

And was it different because the first time you left north bergen was a little There was an issue wasn't there with your uncle or with a guy on a motorcycle No, that was the second time that was second. I had no thought the first time there was an issue also Okay, but the issue was also that now that I look at it I was too young inside to understand what was going on inside of me. Right. Absolutely So I was very young The drugs had covered The emotions under the rug like you sweep them under the rug

So at that time I was kind of numb to what was going on But I just knew I didn't want to be there like when I went to sarasota when I robbed that jewelry store When I went to sarasota for those five weeks, I've always told you That once you realize something You're done You know once I realize I could Do 20 push-ups I'm gonna go for 40 push-ups. It's just natural

Unless you got no heartbeat unless you say, okay, I'm done with 20 And I'll do 20 every day Sometimes you go, you know what next week I'm gonna do 25 It's really weird when you surprise yourself You don't know your abilities. Mm-hmm. When you have no idea about your abilities and your abilities shine. Jesus christ It's like a light bulb goes off and yet, you know So when I landed that I thought I wanted it When I wasn't an aspen the first time and I was doing great. I was working for an electrician company

I had my little side thievery I was working out. I was taking classes side for some reason. I thought I missed Home like in the back of my head. I thought I missed home I just it just for like I was missing something I feel that way sometimes but and I didn't have the the friendships that you had But it just you spend those like the first 20 something years of your life somewhere It just see it just feels Safe, I guess. Well, it just was like, uh, it was a comfort zone. Yeah, absolutely. You know, but once I went to sarasota

And I read the st. Pete times and I read The newspapers that were there and I would look at the classifieds I'm like boy, I could do that Like in 1982 I'm looking at this paper going I could do this for 10 15 now In advance and get my life together and it's union. I could stay here with gary You know, I was in sarasota, florida and at that time I got to be honest. It was like a relief It was like a strain had gotten taken off my shoulders. I didn't really have to go to a bar every night anymore

Even though you were on the run from the police, you felt Well, I believe listen How do you how do you know if a man's guilty? I don't know after you sentence him and it goes back to the sentence to the to the cell right he goes to sleep That's how you know if a man is guilty he sleeps But But you weren't in it. You were hiding like weren't you weren't you I would imagine you when I went to call Anticipating when I went to colorado the first time I wasn't hiding

No sarasota sarasota. I was hiding but the cops were looking for me, but not really like they're not gonna go to florida No, they didn't have any info. I hid from everybody. There was maybe three people at nor was in florida Jesus. All right, three maybe four people tops I didn't tell nobody I would call them in those days. There was no caller ID. I could tell you what the fuck you want There was no star 69 where who is he calling from? You know, let's trace the call. Let's trace the call There was no Tony Soprano shit So I could tell you I was whatever the fuck I wanted to tell you You know, so but that those five or six weeks made me realize wow

Maybe I can live without north bergen. Maybe I can live without my friends and family. This is a stretch But I think I could do it. But no, I don't want to do it right now Was the first week hard or like did it take a couple weeks to realize that you survived without it? Or did you notice it immediately? I noticed after the first week probably But it's just like everything else that that lesson was an introduction to my life When you really realize you don't need something, you know, when I went to prison My fear wasn't about getting raped

My fear wasn't about getting beat up. I had none of those fears. You know, my fear was Honestly, I have no idea that I was gonna lose my mind without the marijuana Not the cocaine. No at the time of my arrest In october of 87. I was a bona fide stoner I was a bona fide stoner stoner was what I did all day At night I did the blow But I would love my marijuana. I fell in love with marijuana like 81 The relationship grew in 83 in colorado

When I realized the strength of marijuana out there And then when I went back to new york, they had tie weed and they had scents So I was infatuated with good weed at that age I always went into the city and tried to hunt down the best weed And somebody told me that the weed this week was on 181st and the Bronx up in Jerome Avenue. That's why I was You know, I had certain people that I knew that they were my caliber smokers Okay, and they told me there was another guy that was getting chocolate tie weed in west new york And it was expensive as fuck, but I was buying that then

I was buying that then I liked good weed then So that was my daytime thing in 87 But it also helped me go to sleep at night. Oh, yeah 100% That's all it does. At that time weed was still making me go to sleep even if I did blow If I did blow when I smoked two good joints or something I went down So at that time the weed was still very strong to me Is weed one of the harder ones to do in prison because you could like it smell at smoking like is that is that the issue?

It's a nightmare to smoke weed in prison. Ah Because you have to get toilet paper And you have to put deodorant stick on it. Okay, you have to put a bunch of that and then you have to light that on fire And then you have to let's roll up the joint You know and smoke it remember and in prison you get weed It's three joints of mediocre weeds for 50 bucks So for me to give it to you your wife or mom has to put money on my books And once I received that 50 I give you a match book

It's called a match book and that's exactly what it is You know the book of matches that slide, right? Oh, okay long ones. They fill that up They fill a little the tiniest one they could get with weed I thought you were gonna say like one of those little foldable ones and you get three joints pen joints You got to fucking go somewhere and smoke it. They're gonna smell it. They're gonna lock everything down Yeah, that's a disaster. So it's too much drama. It's too much. It's not worth the aggravation When I found out I could get weed by the time I found out it was too late already I was already getting over what I thought would be the issue a really really bad situation

Right, like I smoked weed 20 minutes before court Because I knew you know just in case Jesus and you didn't think they'd look at your eyeballs or anything? No, no, I put vizena in my eyeballs But when I got sentenced that was my biggest fear That's always your biggest fear. There's a movie. I think there's a movie that we discussed before 1981 thief and there's a scene where he talks to tuesday well than a diner when he first meets her And he asks her for a date. He takes her out and he pretty breaks down who he is as a character and

He tells her a story about him going to prison That he went to prison and he was doing his work really hard But there was a guard that had it out for him Okay, and one day the guard tried to do something to him and he went off on the garden beat the fuck out of him And he fucked up the guard so bad that the guards could never move his right arm again or something and he goes The jailers beat the fuck out of me in retaliation for what I did to the guards

And he goes and I knew Once I walked out into that fucking field that I was a dead man And she goes so what happened he goes six months later. I got rehabbed and I went on the yard And she goes what happened he goes nothing And that's the way we think we always think something's gonna happen Yeah, whenever we're gonna quit something like I went you know Uh, I went to prison and they took that weed away from me for the first time. I was 25 years old 26 years old Whatever I was at the time that I went to prison

And I thought it was gonna I thought first of all I was gonna get really bad insomnia So the first thing I did was make up a story About they told me what the inmates told me what to say to get like a pseudo sleeping pill got it. Okay So I took that sleeping pill every day But after a while it stops working. Yeah three or four days it starts for it stops working. So But by that time I was already kind of over it Okay, I was like it ain't that bad Like my throat felt weird my lungs felt weird like good like better like no no they just felt like they were empty

They hadn't smoked you know I would at that time I had been smoking weed steady It's 88th. I had been smoking weed steady for seven years Every day four times a fucking day. Have you heard and I haven't so it probably hasn't come out But now that weed's becoming recreational are they gonna start letting in prisons? Do you think or probably not? Oh fucking lately. I don't even know what they're gonna do with the regular law. What do I give a fuck about prisons? I think I'll give you a weed in prison. I don't know. I think it'd be a good fucking uh Because you have no moral stand on so I couldn't even get an attorney to go in there Because there's really no federal statutes every state is doing on their own right. Yeah, so you know, there's nothing you could do

Okay, unless you sued the state But then the state would bail out as a federal thing. So you'd never win. Yeah, doesn't matter I was thinking the state would jack up the prices. But no, I had uh Seen a lot of those people brought back some great memories I got to talk to a good friend of mine about a closer friend of mine. How he was doing I saw assemblyman veneri. He looked great. I saw askelis. He looked great. He's an assemblyman now Yeah, he's always been an assemblyman. He's been an assemblyman for two years. Oh, I thought I started at lower No, he's in charge of Hudson county park. He's the mayor's right-hand man

And the word on the street is when the mayor resigns, he's gonna be the next mayor and I hope so I wish him luck. He's been at it since he was a child So, uh, is he gonna make you be the driver? I hope so. I hope so but all those little things Really, uh, I learned a lot that night. I learned that was still here I learned that, you know, sometimes you guys think I turn my life around A lot of my buddies turned their lives around too including the assemblyman There was a guy there Mike runny who took me in when I was a kid Mike When I was 30, Mike was going through a fucking gambling thing. Mike went through hundreds of thousands of dollars in gambling

even though he was beating bookies and telling them to suck his dick and Until his wife put her foot down and said I'm buying a house in fucking Delaware When where fun goes to die, you know, because that's the only place they'd be safe And he he showed up to the show when he looks great and His daughter showed up. I gave her some stars of death The uh, his three brothers who are my brothers showed up Steve They all showed up. Timmy Holloway showed up with his two kids. Did any of the uh, Timmy's sister's body guard come up show up?

No, no, no, they were they were gonna have a barbecue But it rained in new jersey Uh, they weren't supposed to have really bad weather So the barbecue got cancelled since all the boys came to the show Joan stayed with the mom. So I didn't get to see a lot of people. I saw you know, and there was a lot of people I didn't see but the show was spectacular I gotta be honest with you guys. I was more nervous before I went on stage when they shot my special I thought I was gonna have a nervous breakdown at one point when I got to the green room

I'm like, this isn't fucking happening. This is just a dream What what what was it about that's more than the special because I is it just being in front of those people again being in front of those people again I don't like talking like this in front of those fucking people But I told stories about north bergen in front of them some guy hit me up right away on twitter I sat next to bobby bender He said all your stories are real all this shit the jesus christ. Thank god for one guy That's at least on you know, can you recognize these people in like 30 years? If you like seeing them 20 30 years later, even though they've aged could used to be like, oh, that's there was one guy

I was looking at and I couldn't figure it out who the fuck he was I could not figure it out. I'm like they're friends But like he kept looking at me smiling and finally I figured out who he was and I went up to him And I was friends with him and his brother and I was dear friends with his cousin I was dear friends with this family, but I was dear friends with his cousin So I tapped him on the shoulder at one point and I asked him to come outside for a second I asked him about his cousin and he told me about him and I always felt guilty about the cousin, but he told me not to feel guilty about him

That uh, he had picked his own roads and life and uh the same way I chose mine. He goes you went to prison He goes everybody has their problems. Everybody has their demons, you know So it was pretty interesting all around Um Was it like did you build it up in your head beforehand? Was it as scary as you thought or you always do? I always do I build up everything in my fucking head like that. Whether I gotta get on the 405 If I gotta get on the 101 at four o'clock I paint this horrible picture

Of this traffic and then I'm doing 90 down the fucking 101. I'm like, what the fuck am I talking about? What am I stupid? Same thing when I go to the 405 fast Thursday had to go to acupuncture On the way back. I even told my wife as I was pulling up. She was she was getting out of her car Now, you know what? It's kind of nice to leave the valley from time to time and go to Down there and come back and get the drive around a little bit and breathe some ocean air Why live up, you know, why live close to the ocean if you can never see it ever Yeah, it's nice Like the traffic gets annoying but left him a million times. I love there's something driving

Long enough distances where you get to zone out a little bit That's where that's where I have my like my best thinking. I like that's why I like driving, you know tonight before I came I watched something again That I uh wanted to watch before I spoke about it because I knew this I knew this because I lived this I knew this because I went through this and I just wanted to see if he had gone through it And that was john jones against daniel cornmere

It was very interesting because lee was banging his head off the wall the whole time And I kept telling me last week if you guys listen to the podcast, that's the cool which we never talk about The ufc on here, you know, that's joe's bag and why would I tell him just a fat fuck but I know different personalities and I know savagery and I know violence And I know a lot of those aspects of life a lot of people don't know a lot of people don't see And I knew one thing going into this fight That jones had his way with this He's going to try to knock his head off and really really hurt cornmere

His mother just died He's just had a horrible two years Cornmere was relentless adam You know, yeah, what the talk me and really talked adam And I had a funny feeling, you know, like I've said before a lot of people are sitting at home right now going on your car going Joey, I could you say something like this? There's people who are fighters and there's people who are killers John jones lays and john is a killer. You're like, joey. What makes you say these things? Listen, and I'm a big fan of his I never stopped being a big fan of his because I'm I've known him. I know him

and I've had great conversations with him And when I found out about the cocaine use and all that shit I was a little blown away, but again, it's none of my fucking business Then, you know, then he said that he snorted all night and beat up daniel cornmere All those things are hilarious to me because I've been there Not that I went and beat up daniel cornmere Like when I was working for the sports betting service, I would get coked up on a friday night And going there on a saturday and break my own records

Because you're unconscious You're not really thinking that cocaine takes your logical way So what I wouldn't say to you on the phone on a tuesday, right? No, I'm just saying on a fucking sunday And there's no confidence. There's not that there's no confidence There's excuse me reluctant. There's more confidence And there's less I give a fuck So I'm gonna go in I remember going into that sports betting service on a saturday with two tissues in my nose from my nose leaking

And I had stopped snorting at four, but I would have to be in there on a seven on a saturday and sunday And I had it in my mind ladies and gentlemen that the nights that I snorted before I went in there I would sell more That's how crazy drugs are like it talked me into that. That's it I'm not gonna get high on wednesday. I would get high on tuesday. Okay, and then friday tuesday because I always had wednesday off Then they have to be anywhere till fucking two o'clock on wednesdays So even if I snorted till five I could sleep till 11 take a shower have lunch and make it to my two o'clock And then sat fridays. I would always snort because

I knew saturdays were a big day in football and I didn't want to be conscious So I would go in there awake, but I hadn't slept the night before Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, I do I don't think I'm not saying john did this right. I'm not saying any of these things I mean, he's did say he did the coke The night before he beat him up or he partied the night before he beat him up, which is fucking crazy Didn't he test positive one time before a fight? I believe so. Yeah, I mean he this is crazy This is fucking crazy to me, but like they said

all that crazy Is what makes him who he is and that's what most people never understand. I go back to the first fucking 10 fucking episodes of the church Know the animal you're dealing with Know the animal you're dealing with You know when you see people like I know there's a lot of people who faked the funk But there's a lot of people who really lived this lifestyle What what lifestyle the lifestyle of 24 seven? I don't give a fuck

I'm gonna train like an animal, but I'm gonna snort and get my dick sucked like an animal too I'm the world champion. Why can't I? But what was that his attitude? It seemed like you listen. He hit a car right? Yeah, right? He he he Tested positive twice for two different substances You know, what is the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? Yeah, okay You know, uh, but all this mixes in well with the art

Which is hard To say you don't think he would like have been even more amazing without it Uh I don't know. I don't know. I don't know Maybe his DNA needed a little salt and pepper to wake it up To bring it back from the old truck. That's a scary thing to say though. Listen When I did comedy, okay, let me tell you something When I did comedy and I was doing cocaine

Let's get this out of the open Hey, I never did it before I went on stage But I'd do it the night before all right And if I had it in my pocket Like if I would get to the show and you'd say we got two shows tonight And as soon as I seen the cookie blink at me that means I knew he had it And somewhere in the night I'd take $50 bill and bring it back there to him 100 and give it to him

And he'd give me the coke and I'd do the last show and I'd get the fuck out of it but Take somebody like Rogan for example. Rogan's a great comedy guy. He's got a great comedy guy I had horrible material in those days My stage presence was really good, but I also had something else coming for me That I was spontaneous and crazy on stage Today I'm crazy and I'm spontaneous But guess what? I have a little bit of control, believe it or not

Right and you've seen me with you for five years. You've seen me that yeah, I know Working out shows when I got to bring new material up there. I got to figure out how to sell it So I got to get crazy and spontaneous when I listened to the tape later on I either went overboard remember I'd rather go overboard then give you less right when I give you less You're gonna go he gave me more He could have given me more when I go to an audition My principal's always to go give you a little more Because you could always tame me

But you never know how to teach me how to give you more A lot of people don't know how to give you more when you ask them for more So I give them more off the top so they always look me in the face and go whoa Push it back just a little bit Joey Was the issue because it seems like you've had that like just your personality Was the issue that maybe was just unreliable when you didn't know how to like tame it Like it like it could work or can fail. It was I always told you that until 2008 or 2009 I was a very

I don't know how to say this word without sounding bad sounding bad I was a very funny comic, but I was very inconsistent Inconsistent it's inconsistent was my middle name and look I'm telling you people the honest I got true Today some kid came up to me. I had to go to sprint and get a computer A iPad okay, and with my wife and some kids sitting next to me goes. I just watched Uh El payaso that was 2007 2006 2006 I was still snorting like a fucking savage. In fact that night. Look at me. Look at my appearance Look what I'm wearing. I didn't really care about myself. I had no concern

They told me what they were gonna pay me. I told them to make sure it was cash It was the night after Thanksgiving We shot in the theater in San Bernardino and let me tell you something that shouldn't even end And I was in my car going fucking north. They kept calling me. Where's your hotel room key? I left it there was in my pocket. I didn't give a fuck I had $2,000 and I was headed to the drug dealer's house by 11 o'clock. I was gonna make the quota. You understand me? Plus I was gonna give them a little bit of what I owed them So I was very excited, but if you look at that

I had no self-control It's really weird and I felt it I felt it. It's not till I slowed down and started writing It took me about a year to get my cocaine marbles Then it took me another two years and then for a year I went to Irvine improv once a week And I watched the headliner and I watched to Greg Harald those blesses soul and uh And the the black guy that died that's hysterical. Oh, uh patrice patrice. I watched him and I watched bur And I watched all these guys for a year and I got to really learn a lot of how to headline

And it prepared me for what's going on today. I would have never been prepared if I wouldn't have seen Greg Harald doing those guys. So It just goes to show you that I'm It's just I know how cocaine works When they when I watched the fight the other day those last five punches to his head those last five punches Were everything bad that's happened to john jones in the last three or four years. I'm not saying that He deserved or didn't deserve it or he was wrong. All right. I'm never saying that

What I'm telling you is that those frustration five shots that that john mccarty let him lay on him Because he thought daniel camea wasn't as bad a shape as he was in because that was just a nobody really knew Cormier was that fucked up After the kick to the head. I didn't know I thought that he tripped him and his momentum made him fall down His head was spinning And when he landed and he landed those punches on them Cormier ain't gonna be the way he is for a long time after this. You don't think so no no no those punches were hard brother Those punches were fucking hard at the end

Those punches were very hard. Those were killer fucking shots to the head You know, I don't know if you ever saw the fucking john jones machita fight I don't think he choked machita out and just let him drop on the fence And he turned around that showed me who john jones was the problem with john jones was that he came out And he was young and he didn't really know what to say and he came out talking about jesus And all of a sudden he was acting like a diabolo and people don't know how to handle that was the part that frustrated me I think and they listened to his off tapes and what he would say When they thought he wasn't listening right, you know, and they realized that this guy was really this is the real deal guys

And it's so sad when people don't know what it scares me You know I've always I'm not Proud of this But I want you to think if you've ever been around somebody who's murdered somebody If you're around one of those people Like I I know a guy one time that I was friends without a car lot And uh

People would go to me. You know that guy is like, oh, who is it? And they said he stabbed the guy to death up in boulder up in a saloon up there There's a like a german restaurant in boulder They serve sour rotten and all this shit to have a happy hour. This guy stabbed the guy to death right after that. Listen I knew before I before Somebody told me about this guy I knew this guy was the type of guy that could break your elbow your eyes just by looking at him Just by looking at his eyes when you spoke to him

He he was a little older now. He had he had come out of prison. He had gotten married He had a few kids He was minding his business. He was a car lot lot attendant But this place usually had three lot attendants. He told the guy he just wanted to work by himself And give him the salary So he was probably making 700 a week as a car lot attendant He lived modestly and he sold little drugs on the side But I'm not with this guy for about two or three years

And what I learned from observing him like when I would sit there and snore coke with him and shit like that I would think about that This guy took somebody's life I don't know if you understand they call it murder. Okay, they call it murder and that's such a shallow word Because This guy took somebody's life. What does that mean to you? They took somebody's life. No, at least shattered six or seven lives That there's a mother that's hurting. There's a wife that's hurting. There's a kid that's hurting somewhere

There's a grandparent who's hurting. There's a boss that's hurting There's a barber somewhere that was you know what I'm saying like this You have seven or eight people in your life where you have contact with that you affect Do you think they that's probably something they don't think about? They don't think they're just mad or whatever. Don't think about that They're mad something in their mind twitches and it's who they are Lee It's who the fuck they are You can't run away from who the fuck you are or what the fuck you are Once you find out you either solve the fucking problem

Or you end up in fucking jail You know, I told you I had a friend of my three years ago and told me he was a fucking sexual demon Like we were talking and he said he wanted to talk to me about some I think just turned into a conversation that it was something I had heard through the grapevine But now he was confessing to me He was a married guy. He had fallen in love with this other woman He asked her to leave her husband. She wouldn't do it. He was heartbroken You know, but everywhere he goes there's a woman involved

People have told me he's a sex addict You know when we were sitting there that day he started saying some shit that Made my head want to fucking blow up, but this was the trigger to it It was something his mother had done when she was divorced So he was angry and this is what sparked him And I asked him I said, you know, I'm not a professional but you should maybe go speak with somebody who was a professional But I always thought about a situation. We all have some Cross the bed. We all have skeletons. We all have something that makes us

Feel like we're not like everybody else You know If there's a real problem you go talk to somebody If you think you could tame it and play like a box for defense like what you know, I'm saying like, oh, if you're fucking little kids You should go shoot yourself. I can't help you. You know what I'm saying that type of shit. I can't help you But all right You're a sexual demon if you like hookers if you like cocaine, you know, I'm like my thing was fucking drugs And it wasn't even the drugs. It was my heart beating to getting the drugs. It was that action

It was that last thing I had that I held on to the past I loved it. I loved my heart beating that way. I I loved having complications I loved lee calling my house asking me for the three hundred dollars. I held them and I didn't have the money I loved all that stuff Did you know did you consciously knew you loved it or were you sabotaging? It was I was just constantly on a sabotage constantly Constantly there's people who send me emails all the time and And they try to get out of their way and they can't and they feel terrible about it. But let me tell you something

It took me years to get out of my it took me maybe till 15 years ago To get out of my own fucking way because there's always something That you need to add that that there's that immaturity That there's something that you need to do because you're who you are and trust me If anybody had it more than me, I fucking applaud you. I had it When I did the longest shard, I had it. I had a fucking great time Whatever and one day they started fucking me And I started fucking with them

And they didn't like it And they took me off the poster and they did a thousand things to me. They put me last in the credits All producers know how to fuck with you. Right, you know, if you watch that movie, uh The movie Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell A league of their own when they're the softball team the girls baseball team Tio Leone's in them somebody's in that movie. I forget what the girl's name is She hadn't argued with the director or something. Watch that movie. She doesn't even have a fucking line in that movie They cut her up completely. They show it's like she's a fucking extra

Ali same thing Paul Rodriguez was an Ali. He had like 15 speaking lines He did some radio interview and he said that the fucking director was prejudiced or something Boom, he got to the premiere. He was a fucking extra. Jesus. They don't fuck around dog I didn't complain anything like that. I got into him over a gambling beef We got over a gambling argument. I called him a kiss of death. He didn't fucking like it And that's how it escalated. It was it was that and then they heard about the drug use and you know Blah blah blah blah blah, but the drug use is me

I had nothing to do with them. The drug use is all me, right? My heart's beating kind of I I wrote this down. I wasn't gonna bring it up. But we're kind of talking about it the the two musicians who Killed them suffered like they it's it's had me thinking and I've never gone to talk to anybody. I've had people Ask me to but it's I don't know. I just I'm not good. I'm not comfortable opening up to people like that

but I'm pretty like It's not diagnosed or anything, but I'm pretty sure I've like dealt with pretty severe depression what I would call depression for Pretty much my whole life and it's just and it's still on so it's it's It's never over Like that's why that like you talking about finding something to fix like that's I've been thinking about recently looking for someone to talk to but I It freaks me out a little bit being that open with someone. I don't really know no

The depression what do you feel at times even after you've met paula? And after you that's the fucked up part like I feel like I'm like my my mom My parents told stories that I would always look behind me when I was something like when I was on like a amusement park ride I'd always look at someone else's At what everyone else was doing or I'd always look ahead in my own life. I would never be happy in the present And I think a lot of this stuff I've done out here going maybe from job to job editing I'm always look I really want to be happy like I look at all these people and I'm a happy guy

But I'm also I don't tell people a lot of shit like I just paula gets mad at me or something. I'm just never felt comfortable and then I never really felt safe telling people I don't know like my my parents were okay like they were fine, but then You don't want to feel like you're sad all so you just be you're happy But it's uh like I felt I was thinking about it like my brain just feels tired when I'm really depressed Like it's just like it's I'm not sad. It's not like I'm sitting home crying But it's just like they just the thoughts don't stop. It's it's crazy It's it's it's non sometimes it's all day every day

Does the male want to slow it down or does it feel it? It's different sometimes it sometimes it's great Sometimes it's really great. Sometimes I giggle and I have fun The issue sometimes is if like I uh if I'm not doing something sometimes it'll creep in Like if I if I get really stoned and I'm just kind of zoning out Then it'll creep in and sometimes it can go down a bad path But it's not terrible like it's not it's not to the point where I would stick like I like weed more than It affects my depression. I think

Now if you have depression You've fucking completely fooled me. Not that I'm a phd and dick I don't know about nothing, but you've completely fooled me In the beginning When we first started hanging out um I sent something But I sensed more shyness

You weren't comfortable yet in your own skin around me until I started smoking with you and punching you and calling You're fucking jew and let's do this and you felt at home for a while. No, I've in new york You were tremendous. You were fucking phenomenal in new york Even when we got lost. I got admitted to you But I uh once you had paula once you first met paula You fell in love and you gained a lot. You both gained a lot of weight together Yeah, but whenever I saw you were very happy. You weren't alone anymore I mean, it doesn't take a fucking genius. I'm not the old man from match.com

But when I see you guys you two together You guys were meant for one another like I could see it. It doesn't take a genius I'm happier now that I've been a couple months ago. You came to me with some discrepancies And I told you I said you don't have a reason to do that Just set your boundaries as a man and there's nothing wrong with ever sending setting your boundaries as a man Right and in fact, they'll doubt you at some part of your relationship If you don't because they'll go every woman that works says that that man will not go to a movie with me and and But you had me fooled if it makes you feel better

I have my bounce And that's the thing like when you we talk and I've told you some some stuff that's happened in my life, but I also don't I've always feel like I'm a burden on people Like I I I I never want to tell someone like that I I feel like and I'd be interested to know if other people who feel like they go through this I feel like I'm really good at small talk Because everyone whenever he says how are you doing good? Like I feel like I feel like that sort of I'm like I'm a great cashier Like all that like I was a great server like small talk

I feel like you can kind of fake your way through it a little bit. It's the long shit that bothers you Yeah, it makes me on that. It's yeah, it makes me not I don't mind long conversations But it's uh, it's hard for me to be completely open with people You know, not only I But I've had other people approach me and said hey, I thought he was like This fucking guy when he met you we were worried about him Look at me smoking dope. He's mingling. He's talking to people the comics like you people like you whenever I talk to joey Yes, I was lead doing any fucking pass out yet

Which you know any bravo asked me about, you know people asked me about you. So you're very likable I think that you're shy and you think that people May not want to be around you. That's a lie. That's all in your head. I think we all suffer from that I just had a spoke I spoke to dean delray and he asked me if I knew a certain comic and I go I don't think the guy likes me because no no no The guy was telling me that he caught 10 minutes. He was at the store and he almost puked But he goes he's really fucking introverted. He don't like saying nothing to nobody. I go, you know what next time I see him I just give him a hug and throw him the fuck off

Because that's what you have to do with people like that. I thought you were very uh Hey, listen, if the tables were turned At that position when we met each other, I would have acted just like you I would have been very quiet I would have been scared to maybe interject Once people started showing up and you started meeting red band and arie Like I could see in your face. You went home like your head was going to explode. You had listened to all these people Yeah, that's crazy. And then when you realized where that we were all human beings

We all put our pants on one leg at a time You realize that that's the biggest problem that bothers me About america it destroys me and it always has destroyed me You know, listen I'm not gonna lie nobody when I was 20 When I was 20, let's pretend the guys That we had the opportunities that you guys have right now You guys live in the society morisio alvarado was on here. You see the pictures he took a metallica. No, I didn't see

Jesus christ morisio was a bad motherfucker Well, he took some pictures of uh metallica You got a guy like morisio, okay? Um How can I fucking say this, you know You guys in the midwest I used to fucking dream of communicating with aziaz born There was zero communication You could write a letter to his fan club. You know what that was that was bullshit

That was bullshit. You knew it and fucking he knew it. That was an internet That was just an internet the music label, but Today you guys could catch people you could follow my instagram and follow twitter And if you're lucky one day you catch your favorite fucking celebrity Okay, and I love that we all have somebody that we look up to or inspires us whether it's a musician or artist A drummer a basketball player a football player. Hey people inspire people for many fucking different reasons, all right We have the opportunity today to go up to these people and talk to them And let me tell you something if I went up to julia serving or richard prior

Or you know, there was a handful of people that if I would have got to meet I would have broke down in front of them Because I wanted them to understand What they meant to me at a dark time As dumb as this sounds But now that I do comedy Now people come up to me sometimes and pull me over the show and go can I talk to you for a second? You don't want to have a little problem with fucking anxiety and I listen to you. Jesus fucking christ. Thank you

I thought I was the only one who felt that way. No dog. We all put our pants on One leg at a fucking time. There's people I think they put you know, they have uh two little fucking Indian dudes putting their pants on No, no, no, no, I don't want to be around those people That's why you know when when you first came I'll never forget that one day it was like harry and And red band and I could see it in your face. Your cheeks were red. Oh, yeah, you came along slowly But once we started smoking weed and we were in new york, you clicked right in man So you've had me fooled to be strictly honest with you. Do you feel like you want to speak to somebody?

Yeah, I hope they don't put you on medication. See that's the thing what I'm kind of looking for. I'm thinking maybe I need it You don't think so That's the easy way out in today's society. I think in my I've never tried. I don't listen for 20 years. I talked to people who just went and spoke to somebody They just right. Do you think that would help? like enough Sure the part like it. Listen when I went to get hypnotized Part of it was hypnosis and part of it was what I was feeling for me that for her to treat me

I had to tell her what I felt when I went to jiu-jitsu I had to tell her my insecurities when I went to the county store when I went to flappers When I went to the club in minneapolis when I went to the club in san francisco I had to tell her about all the things that make my heart want to fucking come out of my chest Did it take a few meetings for you to be able to do that or you just went in and sat down paid for three I got three on group on you know me And then I got five more out of my pocket that insurance wouldn't pick up so it cost me a couple yard sticks But I felt it was necessary because it take listen there's a thousand things I could tell you

But I don't want to put you in that position. There's a thousand things you want to tell me But you don't want to put me in that position, right? If you want to tell me i'm here for you. I'm here for anybody But sometimes listen sometimes I rather you pay somebody a small 40 And sometimes it's just about rapping if you don't think if you guys at home right now Don't think that in the last three years

I've looked for maybe a men's group A particular men's group that was talking about something That they weren't whining or something. It was just real men Having coffee and talking about their issues and becoming 50 Or a parent or being 45 or being 40 Or what it is to raise a family And it's this is not five fucking guys trying to be cute. I would be there I would be there because it would be necessary to me. I can't lie to you Lee

I think even I learned that in the halfway house and when I went to prison I think my machismo new jersey shit doesn't allow me to go see a psychiatrist like tony soprano, right? But I think I find my psychiatry with the podcast I find my psychiatry talking to you My wife helps a little bit becky helps Eddie bravo helps joe rogan helps because I use each one of you for different security And I could be strictly honest with you I tell you how I feel about my comedy and you're like no no no no no that joke wasn't bad and then I'm like, okay

You know, it wasn't as bad as I thought that that joke needs work You different friends feel different insecurities, right when you look you when you say I had you fooled people even going back To like my parent teacher conferences. My mom would always come home and say like I was like the class clown everyone liked me And I just never I don't know. I just never saw it I know I had I had some friends But I just didn't see like this likeable. I don't know. I just didn't see it like everyone else. I guess or maybe I don't know. I just it didn't connect with me, but I get what you're saying over the last five years

I'm definitely A completely different person than I was when I first started it was funny in Vegas. There was a hacker conference and it was guys that would have been Like in a different universe. I was right at that conference with them There were nerdy guys and even even Paula joked like they hadn't had a girlfriend. They had acne They were they were dorks, but I like I felt Just just seeing that made me happy and I talked with them about being hackers and they were all there being like They were nerds just but they were happy and just

I don't know. I just looked they had the same shoes. I had they were the same people. So it was uh I definitely had some friendships and some connections But then I I would say it's probably been worse. I guess since I went to college because I think In high school like all kindergarten through high school Like you're around all these people and you kind of are forced to find friendships and go into college for me I went in a semester late. So I didn't have like the traditional orientation And I'm always a slow starter with friends

And I just didn't make friends in college. I just didn't I had friends around the city from going to school locally and thank thank god Uh, but sometimes I wish maybe I'd gone to Drexel and like regular in september and been forced to make friends um And then out here I had friends at work But it was only during work hours. It's like it was like the small talk You make you you giggle and you make jokes and occasionally maybe go out for drinks a couple of fridays or something but uh

I'd I'd spend a lot of my time alone Which I like But I think maybe it's not good for you. Well, there's a point of being alone that you uh Dot yourself For a few hours or an hour. Yeah, and then all of a sudden you get hungry And that hole gets filled by a fucking geno's cheese steak

With french fry, you know It doesn't take a genius to figure out why it was got so fat. It doesn't take a genius, you know I've known since day one because you told me that you've had some social insecurities Our bond is that I have social insecurities For years. I've had social insecurities. I still remember a specific sunday When I was involved in all that drug shit and going out with my friends and going to the mykai There was a specific sunday. I was at a bar I

Corkies Gregory's seven-day weekend And I never forget that I looked at these guys. I'm 21. I'm 22 And I'm looking at these guys and some of them are 30 some of them are 32 some of them are my age Some of them are five years older But for the most part these guys are between 30s and 40s And I remember looking at these guys and thinking to myself, you know what man? I gotta end this

Like I don't even enjoy this The party like this being at the bar like I don't even and I was 21 22 tops tops tops And I already knew that this was not my thing For me to be there. I had to be fucking drunk right. Yeah coked up to the gills Just to be left the fuck alone so I couldn't communicate what I really wanted to Which was to tell them all leave me the fuck alone that I would never want to grow up to be like those guys Like it just bothered the fuck out of me

So right there like I don't even know how I ended up to stay in the upcoming Because from the my mother's bar From that time I spent in bars I fucking couldn't wait to get the fuck out of bars like I couldn't fucking wait Like I just could not fucking wait to get out of bars Like I knew there was a day where I never had to go back on the fucking bar again Unless they had a tremendous like clam chowder Or a cheese steak or a fucking soup or a lunch special

I always uh knew that you know That that I wanted to get the fuck out of there It's it's amazing what your insecurities and even today Even today, you know, I go to a city I'm enthused blah blah blah. I see the people I have a great time I still have this I have to work myself up. But once I'm there, I have a great time Well, I'm taking pictures of people and shit after the show. I'm having a good time

Oh, yeah, it's when they bother me later once it's done and they come back The picture was blurry my mind somewhere else. But once I'm there I'm having a dynamic time on that line. I'm messing around with the guy's wives. I'm talking to the husband They're talking about you It's a sensational time for me. My insecurity comes in the ride to the airport I think about my family. I think about an earthquake I think about the cats getting loose, you know, you think about all this shit that bad now Because I've read that out of war. I know exactly what that is. It's resistance

So you learn how to deal with all those fucking feelings I think it could help because I've just I've just been Program myself. I guess to push things down. I I just I don't think there's not really someone that I really can fight with I guess. I don't think there is No, there is Paula. Well, no, I definitely can find certain things. Oh, yeah, there's you have to uh It's not like I don't tell anyone anything But there's certain there's a I feel like there's always a level. There's always a ceiling Well, we'll go on group on

And get yourself a little psychotherapy. I have good insurance. I maybe maybe they cover it. I don't know I don't think so. They're still gonna bang you out 400 an hour going to find some body and fucking Go three or four times and hopefully they'll heal you. I'll pay for the five-month package And see what they'll charge you but it's always good. You know, I don't know if a group would work for you You know, when I was in a group at the halfway house, it was a joke for me I didn't take none of that shit seriously when I went to that fucking Three hour a day rehab. I took it as a fucking joke. I didn't fucking take that shit seriously I don't know. I don't know me. I like it part of me thinking I'd be too shy in front of a group

But maybe if I saw other people sharing I'd be More willing to I don't know Well being too shy in front of this group Again goes back to your fears. Yeah, fuck it. Go to a group Sign up Make a commitment to go every Thursday morning at 10 o'clock whatever the fuck it is sadly a one whatever the fuck it is Just make commitment to go and see if it takes care of what I've listened man one week every month One week every month

and it happened to me A little bit last week one day Tuesday Wednesday I stuck in these feelings man and it's It goes back to being a child That I'm just not happy That no matter what position I have in my fucking life I'm never fucking happy

I can only and come on man What do I have to be sad about? Not not much Not fucking much, but there was two or three days last week Where I was like just what the fuck And at first I think that you know you watch all these commercials for depression And I would watch these things insomnia There's a little bit depression, you know all that type of stuff

uh I gotta tell you man the last year year and a half I've done it I think the last three or four years more than ever. I've really done a really good job of keeping my mind Sharp, you know like I've been over Doing it like whether it's writing jokes Listen for 15 years. I don't even know how I got through this fucking career Because I didn't really buy I wrote whatever I felt as I was fucking walking around It wasn't nothing from my heart

Nothing was from my heart. It didn't start coming from my heart till nine years ago and maybe seven years ago was when this whole thing started and the podcasting came alone but Now I challenge myself mentally so much You know like I forced myself to write a story I forced myself to write stand-up You know every morning I keep like a dialogue in the morning. I first get up with coffee Just to spill out whatever I'm feeling for the day, but I remind myself

What the fuck do I got to be upset about today? God gave me another day that I learned When you wake up in the morning God giving you and you're healthy and you got both your fucking legs and both your feet Oh, yeah, and that's the fucked up God gave you another day to her. It's not that I'm unhappy No, it's a day. It's a weird difference because I'm not on paper. I should be the happiest and I am I'm 29 yes college educated right you have something to fall back on you have a piece of paper that'll get you there You've been working on a podcast for six years and was self-sufficient Was self sufficient

Okay, whether it's ads bop beep bop boop boop beep this industry is growing Absolutely now If you come to me and you go, you know what I've been talking with paul and maybe I want to give something else a shot I understand you I fucking get right I get life. I've always gotten life If this doesn't make you happy or some part of your life's not making you happy But you got me fooled so but it's a I don't want to make you I don't I feel bad that I don't want to make

Think that I fooled you don't make it. You're not making me feel bad. It just It opens up my eyes to watch you a little more, but I don't know like who knows like maybe like not that Like like if you're saying, okay, go go maybe podcasting isn't making you happy But I love what I'm I love what I'm doing There's an unlimited potential There's I don't know if you saw there's a podcast from st quentin or something now. It's fucking amazing like the inmates inside are making

It But the who knows there's always doubt in your mind. Maybe I should be maybe I should still be editing who knows Maybe I should be a hacker like I saw this weekend. Maybe I should go to one of those tech boot camps and become an app builder But the thing that I think what I forget how you Phrased it, but you always said like go to the root of the problem I think the root might like I think I don't know if it's I don't think it's gonna like be like a bright light like once I get some once I talk to someone I'm gonna see what I'm supposed to do with my life, but maybe it'll be

Maybe it'll be clear Who knows me because I that's what I feel that that's what's really frustrated me for the past Couple years is because this is in the infancy of the podcasting. I feel like I don't really know where I'm going I don't like that feeling and I've been searching for it and So that like it's it's a little weird So maybe if I talk to someone, I'll be able to see which direction

right From your eyes, okay, what type of attitude have I always had towards this podcast? professional uh consistent uh That it's a business Anytime I spoke to you about the future of it was I wrong? I told you if we work this out the right way, blah blah blah You know how much worry I put into this podcast over the years

A lot where this is going zero no way I'm gonna tell you why okay, please We're very honest. Uh-huh. We're very humble We're very professional. We're consistent And we're doing all the right things If we were coming out here and talking about the same thing we were talking about four years ago Or making dumb jokes I could see anybody who's watched this show and been with us for a time

Known that we've both grown as men part of my growth has been This show right now you don't see it but 10 years from now Whenever you go to a radio station And you talk to somebody during the break like what we do when people come in right a lot of times I go into a radio station And they do only 15 minute break Because it's a report about missiles from Korea

And I sit there with them and I talk to them And they'll tell me do you remember this station in Jersey? I don't know that was my first intern job out of college For the guy who went to prison for gaudi for shaking down the strip club sparks in new york I forget what the guy's name was. He does comedy also Every radio guy talked to started where you are right now like this is Like you know what I'm saying like out of college. This is what they got they were interns for this guy I mean you heard great garcia Said he had three episodes ago right and spoke about his thing and how

What you're doing right now whether you stick with it or not believe in that You're gonna learn from this experience When you're 48 and you're running a corporation You're still gonna use the principles you learned that we've discussed on this show Because you saw them work. Yeah, you saw them work We're not doing nothing to listen. I never told nobody that you and I are the most intelligent things in the world We can't talk to nobody about real. I mean who the fuck's gonna take us serious when we talk about fitness Right shop pulling and shit

Nobody'll talk to us about a diet. The only thing we know is where good food is one thing people know at home is where our heart is And when you know where your heart is like I've always told you if I was doing blow This podcast wouldn't have lasted more than a year. I would have fucked you over I wouldn't have showed up three or four times You would have just gone. This ain't gonna fucking work Because I had no respect for myself. Why would I have respect for these fucking people? Why would I have respect for you? Right when you're doing drugs you're disrespecting yourself. Who gives a fuck that was part of it That's part of the who give a fuck that I was trying to tell you about

all it It is where you become When I got the longest yard on tape I didn't get the longest yard because I was better than anybody who listens to this show I got the longest yard because when I put I put that audition on tape on my own Which meant I really don't give a fuck what you think about who you need for this movie I'm telling you who you need for that movie So even the cocaine at that time

Was making me a little reckless. It got me that role When I think back to Italy the cocaine fuck. Yeah Because I went home one night and I got all coked up And I had the breakdown the breakdown. I had it printed and in my house Okay, okay the breakdown for this movie came out April 5th Of two fucking thousand and four And I had it on my desk printed April fucking fifth like that night

And I looked at that casting director and I figured out every way to get in there And the first thing I did the first fucking morning I did the same thing for spider-man. I did the same thing for american gangster I did the same thing for inside man. I did this about seven or eight times Well, I didn't really give a fuck what you fucking thought Lee I'm telling you I'm the role for this fucking analyze that the second one Oh, I beat them to a pulp I was beat them to a pulp just being crazy. Just not we're giving a fuck

I would call them once a week. What do you hear anything? What's going on with the tape? That's crazy When I think about that now, I wouldn't have the fucking balls to do that now Would they be like stop calling? Yes, would you please? We'll contact your agent when we find out I got in with Susie Faris Who was an assistant then and now she's a big shot now. He would she cast Whitney coming show She's casting a couple shows right now. So Everyone's so I got to call from uh agents. Hey, you have an audition for this

I look at it Susie Faris because of the relationship From 2003 would analyze that Because she was the assistant to the casting agent And she still brings you in she still calls me in sometimes from time to time She caught me in for Whitney and she called me in for something else that she was casting So these are all they were because I didn't give a fuck When I got listen guys when I got that piece of paper and I read the long first of all the longest you are When that movie came out I was a fucking kid and I was at the movie theater that sunday

And I got to tell you something the whole movie theater was losing their mind at the end You left the movie theater fucking going. What the fuck was that? That was just tremendous prison guards getting beat up by far everybody was going fucking Everybody was going crazy. So when we fucking left there I still remember the feeling I had so now they're gonna redo it When my agent called me and I go listen call them up. They wouldn't even take his call. He's such a smuck The guy I love him dearly. I still talked to him. Right, right. I still talked to him

I love him dearly. I said call down as he was going on. It took him about a week. I had to break down in my house It took him about a week Finally he calls me back. I was okay. Listen. Here's the deal. They won't even look at your tape They don't want to see you because they want a star Let me tell you some guys. I started fucking crying that night on the coke The cocaine made me cry for three days I walked around disappointed. I didn't know what I was gonna do How I was gonna fucking do it. How I was gonna gonna get in that door

I don't even know Adam Sam. I don't know nobody who knows Adam Sam I don't know nobody knew Chris rock and Chris rock dug me Chris rock dug me, but I don't know his number I don't know who to fuck to call. I'm not that crazy to call Chris rock. You wouldn't call him. No, I'm not that fucking crazy Would you ever show up at anyone's office or door? Well, the first thing I did the next morning was I took a head even though they didn't want to see me right I took a headshot a fucking resume a bio and I hand read a letter gotcha and

I against all my beliefs I put a a tape Of me from the mezzos when I played the gay mobster in a short film for fox 38 whatever the fuck that is fox 22 So I put that in there right and I dropped it off And I didn't hear nothing and that broke my heart I was broken fucking hard

And then I called another agent friend of mine and he told me that they had two people in mind And I was like those two guys are fucking great. They're celebrities But they're not funny. Adam's looking for funny so one night when I was all coked up I fucking made a plan with myself I was about four in the morning that when I woke up I was gonna call my friend an ICM to ship me the original script in the longest yard

And then I was gonna call chuck savage from houston And have chuck come over and take me to the university of texas And shoot scenes of me throwing a ball And fucking huddling and then we were gonna go to lap stop And shoot the scenes in the locker room when they agree In the real movie. Okay. They agree to go in there against the guards. Did you get the script or I got the script? I got the old script And I just fucking the italian guy. That's not really italian. He's got blue eyes. Okay

I just took his shit And I went in there and read it and put it on tape And we sent it to fucking casting And we sent it to one of the producers To his house to his office to his office. I said take a chance columbus did Jesus And by the time I got back from houston, I had a fucking call They actually watched it and let me tell you something and because i'm crazy and the cocaine I did in houston that mexican cartel cocaine

That's what made me call fucking the casting director. Where's tom? There's totally better cocksucker It's monday cocksuckers july 30 Another month flies by crazy But it breaks your heart august 1st to rent this dude bitches some somebody Twice as smart. I guess you're not going to disney land this week For somebody who

Will swear to be true As you used to do with me Who Leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it fucking tremendous tremendous

It still tugs my fucking heart that song Is there a specific part or just the whole thing just Little parts of it when I'm really really listened To the specifics of it. It's really weird how Sometimes it triggers me sometimes it doesn't tonight. It fucking got me a little bit I still am being a fucking kid Agreeing to go in the boat my mom to open it. Sometimes I would convince her just to go up there open it I'll take a cab later on and come up

How old were you eight nine ten If you take a cab by yourself, fuck it all the time. Oh my god Have you seen this there's videos of these like this kid from I think he's in New Jersey, New York He's like a little I imagine it's kind of like you he's like he goes in and goes to the back of the sandwich places But he's just really like confident. I just imagine you just like I can't imagine getting in a cab at eight or nine. It was a short cab ride. It was like uh Going from hollywood to studio city, you know, like a short cab was going up there from sea is to my mother's bar

But sometimes I have to go up there with her. She go fuck that shit Come up with me right now. You got to help me with garbage. Fuck And I go up there and take the garbage out while she was taking a fucking garbage out She'd play this song four or five times and she was mopping She would take buckets of hot water With fucking bleach in it and scrub those bar floors Then she would wipe down all the chairs and she would wipe down the bar

And she would hose the fucking floor. She was a clean freak, man She would unplug the fucking record player and we played in the back There was another record player that you put so she had this. I mean, it was just tremendous And she did this every monday. She lit candles For all the fucking spirits. She cooked Lunch every monday monday was like a big family day at the fucking bar But she always played this song but she played this song every fucking day, though At one point in the night somebody would play this fucking song

Somebody would go, you know, we played this fucking song for you And I'd sit down here this song three times in the fucking day. I want to shoot myself And now I like listen to it every monday. It's become part of the show 500 fucking episodes every monday We've had they know that's called 250 at least. Yeah, that's called consistency cocksucker. We don't fuck around Lee, I'm very happy that You spoke openly about what you go through dog. I listen I think there's times if it wasn't for this podcast I tell people stories. I tell you people what the fuck is bothering me

There's times I'm sleeping And I'll wake up and think of something I gotta let these people know about this is the craziest thing I ever heard Right right now the reason why I went to jujitsu 15 times this month Wow 15 has a lot of times this month and like 13 last month, you know Why do I do this? I do this because the people who listen to the podcast are watching me They're waiting for me to sit down and go. Hey man, I quit I can't do that. I joined with them and I'm gonna stick what out with them

To the end just so they know that if I could do it at 50 fucking four in my fat ass They could do anything the fuck they want That's why I do it. I do it because I can't stop now I got too many eyes on me. Plus I love it Plus I can feel myself getting better. I'm getting sharper. I'm getting better on stage because an art is an art Whenever you work an art from any direction, there was a great comic out here once. He's still great He does colleges now and I think local clubs in atlanta because he's raising his daughter um, Cory Miller

Cory Miller had a distinctive style of writing on monday. He wrote comedy on tuesday. He wrote poetry On wednesday. He wrote a tv show On thursday. He wrote a movie and on friday. He wrote comedy So every day the genres would always open. He had every channel open when he wrote I couldn't believe he would do it. I go. Why would you write a movie? You're not gonna fucking sell it Either in matter you're writing You're attacking you're making your mind move and sometimes I think

and lea Again, you had me fooled But one of my things lea has always been that Idol hands is the devil's workshop lea. Yeah I have said this shit. I say it to myself I said it to myself from the tip dog when I was 19 Every time I thought about robbing somebody it was because I was sitting down not working

Really? Yeah I never thought of robbing somebody when I was loading trucks making 18 bucks an hour So then why do you quit the jobs then? Because I thought of robbing somebody Trying to break or something. Yeah, like when you're sitting there all fucking day watching mtv smoking pot Right, and you're thinking of the things that you don't have What happens to you? Yeah, because you go to a spiral. It's a nervous breakdown you have by yourself

God for god forbid you smoke marijuana Yeah, and it's god forbid you smoke marijuana. It's weird. Like you were talking earlier like how like All this stuff is going great for you and that's part of like I say that like like that's part of it It's like you like why aren't you happier? Like why like why aren't you happy me? No, no, no, like that's what I say to myself I'm the same thing. So like that's why am I not happy. I don't lea I sit here and I go I'm going to last week. They had to be like Tuesday There was a part of the day where I was in that office And what sometimes when I start feeling that way

I shoot out in front of the sun in my backyard And I forced myself to sit in the chair outside in front of the sun I take a joint out there with me. I take a pipe out there with me. Sometimes I just take a thing of water and I sit out there And I absorb some of that vitamin D and whatever thoughts I'm having goes away But I've always been a firm believer idle hands Is the devil's workshop you're saying joy. What does that mean? I'm gonna stab my grandmother. No No

idle hands the devil's workshop means The devil creeps into your mind That's when you start thinking about what you don't have what you need to do Again, we go back to the periscope. Why the fuck are you thinking? You know, you have this thing right now, and you're a great kid. You know, I love you to death and I got you covered here And we're a family and we have a great time and the the guests love you and people know who the fuck you are Casinos and whatnot. It's not this wasn't about fame No, this for me wasn't about fame and fame makes me very uncomfortable. Yes. So this is and really think you see me the fucking convertible

You see me the bmw you see me You see me posting pictures of me at premieres and shit like that I get invited to once a month. I get invited to something And you know what the night of I feel terrible for not going because I should be there But uh, I don't belong there. I'm not a movie fucking star. Why am I gonna go to the fake? Who am I gonna go talk to? What the fuck do you want to talk to me about? What do you want? I think people want to talk to you about a lot about what about smoking palm What about hanging out with you about what it's like to be? I don't know. What the fuck?

That's how I feel in my mind. Right. That's the devil's workshop You know when that happens when I'm sitting here high by myself for 20 minutes And I'm going what do I got on the books tomorrow or tomorrow? I gotta go Meet this guy at 10. I'm gonna try to catch Jiu-Jitsu over here At two. I'm gonna try to connect with Shane and then I'm gonna go do this thing at seven. Well, guess what? When I wake up and Lee leads the judge Lee knows When I wake up the next morning Lee and I call you like so what time are you doing this? I go I cut that out today I got rid of it. I'm not going all the way down there. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing that

What do you think it makes me do that because I'm lazy You think I'm fucking lazy? You know because I'm fearful I cut that out. I pushed that meeting back. Right. It's everything for me to get ahead But his office made me a marina del Rey and poor joey doesn't want to drive the 20 fucking miles I have my problems man. I have my issues That's what makes this fucking great. That's what lets me go up on stage and connect with people But they know they know what the fuck we're talking about here, man Last weekend by anxiety before comedy anxiety in general. I have it worse than anybody

I just don't let it beat me Lee I I often I cannot lie to you I often think I suffer from some form of depression And as a matter of fact, I think I do I just don't let it get a grasp on me I think you're right about the idle idleness. I think absolutely Lee. I have been beating you up For five years about Lee get up and get out That is the best thing an individual could do for themselves

Why do you think I tell you that? Because I get you out of the house and get your legs moving but more importantly and get your mind moving And those listen, I could sit here guys and quote a book And try to be intelligent. I don't know what it's called But I know that they show the brain after 20 minutes of working out You see those pictures over at opposed to lesbians. What happens to your brain when you walk crawl? Do jumping jacks certain things happen to your brain? And I know for me When I was a fucking criminal listen to this

I would wake up in the morning with three or four bucks I'd figure out a breakfast And I had a target or maybe two targets And they both had to be in the same neighborhood because I was walking down there because I didn't have money for a bus I didn't have a fucking constant getaway drive but That walk To go down there

Sometimes either clarify the situation for me and make me rob one guy instead of another Or sometimes it would stop me from robbing somebody You know why way good time because the walk Cleared my head and cleared who the fuck I was. I wasn't on the couch And I wasn't getting beat ups Now instead guess what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go eat my pride and borrow 30 bucks from george And fuck it. He's owed me 100 for two years. I'll figure out how I'm gonna give back to him

And that's what I do instead of fucking going to rob what I was gonna do. You know why? Because I got up and I went for a fucking walk not a drive A driving a douchey. No, I can't a driving a douchey for your body or your brain It'll stimulate you a little bit because you have to get out and we'll go to the car for your starbucks But there's nothing like when you feeling shitty Listen, I'm not talking about lifting weights or going to jiu-jitsu or going to karate or breaking bricks with your head I'm not talking nothing about that. I'm talking. You're sitting in that living room And you feel those walls closing in

Which we've all fucking felt that I feel it for years. I went to prison But till today when I don't sit when I don't see a window in the room I freak the fuck out. Why? Because there's no out for me The door Listen, I gotta go to the heart doctor on thursday. I've been canceling on this guy for two years You know why the one it's on the 18th floor and the windows the size of a prison vent It's smaller than our fucking vent and every time you go in there

He makes me do this test Where they shoot ink in me and then they put me through a scanner and see where the leaks are in my heart Let me tell you something that fucking ink Makes me go fucking bananas It makes my heart beat to death. They gotta come in there and give me xanax and shoot fucking It's two hours of hell for me. Jesus Christ. I get there at seven And I walk out at 11 fucking thinking what just happened to me. I feel like daniel called me after they kick I'm like, what the fuck happened. I don't know. I was doing well. I don't know what happened

They tell me I kicked the lead bro every time the first time I went in there. I was about 400 pounds And lee you have no idea what anxiety is I didn't know what I was getting involved in right me either. Yeah, okay. I went down there and he said tomorrow You're doing this this and this And then you're gonna do a stretch not a stress test, but this thing with your heart And he goes bring a sandwich And bring us whatever you want to drink and bring an apple Bring food because you're gonna need it

So, uh What the fuck was I saying this fucking robot's over here uh, the heart heart like walking there And the chick comes in and she does the ekg and she checks my heart And i'm straight lee and the next thing, you know They fucking put a what's that shit in your hand the needle The fucking intravenous IV IV Jesus christ, you know, I got nothing in my stomach I feel like shit already. They put the intravenous in

I breathe through it. I work it out. Jesus christ almighty They take me into a fucking room. They shoot something in that balloon And they make me get on the fucking treadmill And then they turn it up to like 92 I'm 400 pounds. I'm trying to run uphill at 715 the morning dog And i'm telling you what they have a tremendous view in that room You see people's balconies and bevelly hills. It's on century bull. It's on It's in bevelly hills like the I don't even think it's really bevelly hills guys. I'm just

It's a down the block from ca Whatever that fucking is. It's all the way closer to some is it's appalled with no, yeah Like uh, what's the street that everybody says to go on not bevelly? But they say if you're in that time of town Beverly Glen. No, no, no if you're shooting up hollywood laterally Instead of going up. What's olympic olympic? So it's avenue of the stars and olympic That's what the doctor's office is So the one view was just gorgeous And that's where they put the fucking ink in you

But that that standmaster I did Oh my god, Lee I had to tell him to stop and they're like no 45 more seconds And I'm like you either fucking stop this one. I'm gonna go through that goddamn window Passing out and they had to stop it and sit me down And ask me if I want to get an electric shock to my heart. I was in bad shape, Lee Then they took me inside they they put an ink in you And they then they put you on like an x-ray machine

Hey, they see where your heart has fucking different problems That must be very scary. Sure. It's fucking scary. It's not scary for a guy like you because you like being fucking stuck with needles Oh, yeah, no like me. I shit my fucking pants every time we go for this fucking goddamn thing But you know what I do it. You know why because I do it for me I do it for the listeners And I do it for my family because I know I can't say fuck it And then get a heart attack or something. It's it's amazing how you have to step up at some point in your life for years I didn't step up with dick, Lee

I got some of it. No, no, no my my nose was actually what do you mean step up step up I would always cave on everything. I caved for my fucking For my army exam I caved to be fucking this I came you know how many jobs I had But you know how many jobs I got and didn't show up the night before when I got fucked up And didn't fucking show up. How many Jesus christly and then you wouldn't go the second day No, fuck it. You didn't go the first day. Who wants to see the second day?

What are you gonna go and then tell them a story how your your cat got run over? You just tell that story a couple times To you like who's gonna believe that fucking story? What do I keep using that fucking story for? Jesus So you were like just sabotaging yourself at every corner Go sabotage It's fucking huge And you see it in so many ways and come on. I lived it

I lived it so I see it coming and going If you want me to sit here and tell you oh my god Oh my god There was a fucking a seven-year stretch Like two or three times Why completely lived that lifestyle of what of just Self-sabotage getting in your own way Did it happen because something good was about to happen or always

God for fucking bids something good happened. I'm a piece of shit. Why would something fucking good happen? Why would somebody why would somebody give me a job? Why would something good happen? What the fuck, you know, what the fuck why that's self-sabotage? Why am I gonna do this job? He's just gonna fire me anyway, right? Yeah, eventually my car. It's like fucking I don't want this thing You know, I got a thousand jobs, but there was a thousand I woke up the next one. I'm like fuck that buck. I could hear the phone ringing and everything People knock on the door and I'm not answering that shit

That's crazy. I've never done that one. See that's the thing. I always felt When I had a job I felt like I'd feel Uh, what's the word? I felt like I had to Do at least I tried to try. It was a I don't know a responsibility like I like I liked It's been harder for me to try to do my own thing than to have someone tell me what to do Listen, some people are built to work for somebody else, right? Some people could take it so long Go, you know what I could do this

Do it 100% better and maybe do a little cheap or make a living on my own, right? Maybe involve my wife maybe involve my my dumb kid whatever the fuck it's it's it's it's natural Listen, it's very natural To want things late There's nothing wrong. Nobody wants to sit Nobody wants to grow All right, everybody want I mean, I'm sorry

Everybody wants to grow isn't the issue if it if you never feel like There's like there has to be some point where you're feeling okay. Don't I mean I don't I don't want not to mean like it's over growing as a person but That's when you think that there'd be some point Or do you think it's an old it's a process being okay and being content Of what your life ended up or what are you saying? I don't know. It's a being content with your life Listen, man, if you know where you come from

And you've done something you'll always be content Even if you didn't amount to whatever the fuck you wanted to amount to What do you think I amounted to what the fuck I wanted to amount to In the back of my head I always want to live my life to make my I want to live my life like my mother was alive I wanted to complete what she wanted to do. I mean, who the fuck are we kidding right society? us old geezers We did whatever the fuck your family told you they were right

Whether we liked it or not, whether we understood it And then we ended up with substance abuse and ended up just like they did Because you do something for the fucking money Or for somebody else, you know, but I would my path would have been completely different. I hope But for a while I thought listen before I kidnap Bella Lisa how crazy is that? That I was two or three semesters From applying at law school at the University of Colorado

And the crazy thing is I was probably gonna get in the Latino Spanish program That is a fucking reality people three semesters And at that at that time I did not have I'm trying to figure out when I took my gd. You know, it's funny. I mean not funny, but kind of sad Three semesters is probably 18 months. Probably what you did in prison I I was three semesters away because I lost credits when I transferred from ccm To the University of Boulder continuing education

All right, and then once I had too many credits and continuing ed They go you got to get into the school. I said you guys won't let me They said you get on the Latino plan then they let me get And all I had to do was get a guaranteed c-plus or something A fucking moron could get a c-plus. Right. It was such a soft program at the time They gave you money. So now I'm in this I enrolled in the first semester. I got c-u-o-p I got all this shit and one day after the fucking

Thing they were having a latino seminar You know one in the afternoon. They were giving out free food Some mexican place was catering. You thought I liked okay. I went there And I took the year beating from the law school And I took the year beating from the engineering school Where the astronauts go they had a few latino programs Fuck you. You don't see the little tino astronauts and you shoot up in the moon I could see you being a lawyer

So the law thing was something I always was interested in right my mother used to always break my balls and go When you get old you're gonna be a fucking lawyer One hour out or whatever So I thought about it and then uh I met with Somebody from the law school like two weeks later They had like a seminar day

And I signed up and I had like a 330 And I met with somebody from the law school for a half hour for free consultation and questions I did all this guys does like what what it takes to get in and I was snorting coke I was robbing the fucking uh, what's the store where everybody goes to buy books and shit like No, no, no the college books on campus the bookstore. Yeah, like the big one There's always one big one where everybody goes where you going in and your parents are in there with a credit card Right and you could buy used books or new books But they've got supplies and bags and sneakers and

Everything they had at this place for some reason they had a thing of watches Just watches for $30 a piece like 39 50 A couple timex watches didn't your eyes like widen when you saw that as soon as I saw that I kept it in my mind And I knew that that was going to be lunch someday I wasn't going to be a big heist, but it was very simple. It wasn't connected to an alarm And nobody would catch it. Right. Yeah, at least I asked sure I walk in there one day when I went to jacket Pick the thing up like she's my girlfriend

And I walked the fuck out of there with the whole all of them the whole thing I think I see I put three in my pocket and then I went and I got 20 dollars. I got a chinese lunch I went to my friend's house. I broke the case with a hammer I took all of them out. He put them in his truck and took them To some fucking dumpster and he came back. I had a more pretty And I took him to some fucking point shop in long month Some fucking mexican that bought anything And I took it to him and be he bought all of them. I think I made one

400 500 bucks for me. That was a fucking score. That was like me and the mafia You could you do one of those a day? Oh, I went back the next day because when I stole the watches I saw they had parker pens Those really good fucking pens. They had two cases one a parker And one of the other big good ones. Why don't you just grab them that day because I already had one Covered I had to have the other one to block in case the security guard got cute. I got to fucking Block them like fucking, uh, you know, you're doing no you're always multitasking. You're you're stealing and casing at the same time This is crazy. Oh my god. I'm going to campus. I'm fucking married

And I'm the way and I'm like, let me go. I would go and then clip books Like if you came to me and said don't they want 52 dollars for that book I'm gonna feed it now for 25 that 25 cash. Are you gonna get it? Don't worry about none I was going there with a book bank. I robbed a book a day I was always good for a 20 a day out of that place You just probably people who like were like talk of you like the book terror like it was fucking terrible You would just do everything. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed till this day like when it was Disrespectful completely on my end

just there was it was like Even rogan said to me goes the first time I went to bolder I understood I understood that he goes. I couldn't remember. He was like a candy store for you and this is 20 25 years before that They weren't prepared for this time right like that. I broke into a cookie thing one day through the window a cookie store Like those cookies you stole money from the cookie man. There was maybe 80 bucks And here's the crazy thing. I had 10 000 in the bank. What why would I break into a cookie store? Because I was a fucking degenerately

So you like breaking into stores. I like the whole thing. I liked whatever made my heart beat Yeah, I liked whatever made my heart beat And a week later called and I got credit cards and I was doing that and then I was not doing for a week So I knew the cops would be alerted But now I show up with a different card and work it again And then I just start going to restaurants away from where I was living I go to every restaurant away from where I was living to throw them off through off They were the cops the investigators

Because eventually you're gonna go to one of those places And they're gonna go excuse me. So I need to see id I'm not gonna have idea. They're gonna go want to call the police, but they can't hold Okay, you walk out of there you get in your car. They might get your license, but you might keep walking And see somebody, you know when you get out of there When the cops come the two or three days from now, they're gonna get for 10 restaurants And they're gonna get for a little alerts That they come so they came in here spent 60 dollars and it was a stolen credit card. It's weird how it works

So they start thinking wait a second whoever fucking did this lives in the neighborhood But if you don't live in the neighborhood it makes it It throws them off a little bit. So you do it everywhere. What was your radius? 40 miles 30 miles. How much would you scan them for? Let me explain something The more I did it the dumber I got Then I went down to a 10 mile radius The nice subtle four or five mile radius, which is really bullshit that they got you zero on it right

What did you get lazy or what was it? Listen, you always get Caught because you get cute and you cut out one of the steps You eliminate a step because you think you're that good at doing what you're doing And maybe that step is the most important step in the whole move that you're making That's why you always cover the steps the same way every time Something like that when you're in there, you know that you covered those steps So is that is that the you're the job of someone like my age like just figuring out the steps

I mean, you've obviously put a groundwork down here But there's always that's everything's evolving life is life right You know what the beauty is about life. It's a fucking surprise every fucking day I don't like surprises at 20. How old are you at 28? 9 29 29 for me was 1992 I just started comedy. I was six months into comedy. I had just gotten separated. I lost my job I

Was three semesters short of a college education and at this time I also had a family I forgot what I kept the apartment the condo. So I forgot what the mortgage payment was there I didn't have a fucking car payment But my father-in-law took back the truck from the construction company So I had to buy a car So what did dumb joey d is do he went and bought an accurate integra At 400 a month with no job back then. Yeah. Oh my god. How is that stupid? You know the guys listen were family now. Let's be honest

I went I bought an integra My money was 400 a month for that 100 for insurance my condo payment was 1250 a month the 950 who the fuck knows All right, whatever it was. I couldn't afford a lick of it Not to mention cocaine not to mention a girlfriend dinners trying to be johnny goomba Take out video rentals That's what my nut was with no fucking job. There's burning through your savings Burning through credit cards. Oh my god. Like I owned the fucking bank

Like something was gonna happen. Eventually that dude That killed the fucking guy at that bar, right sold valium And valiums with the v's the good ones Well, high dollar ones All over the country people wanted those things and here in my backyard This fucking guy was selling them for fucking 50 cents People were paying a dollar and a quarter or a dollar seventy fucking five for these things. Wow Next thing, you know

I can start getting the hand of those and I start sending them back and that caught me up a little bit Because I was sending at least a thousand xanax valiums at a time with the veal So I got into business with this guy. That's why I knew he was fucking crazy He was getting tons of those things tons tons tons bags garbage bags And you're selling them for a dollar seventy five. I was selling them for 125 I was making close to a dollar on each one If they would pay cash

I would send the amount and they would get it three days later and I would get the money zipped to me How quickly would you sell a thousand valiums? You're you were one day? You were the wholesaler one call. Yeah I would get him from the killer You tell me what you want and I'd soliti And then I mean I gave people a minimum And then I finally to really make money. I just got a fucking shipload from And flew him back to newark And went to a bar and the whole fucking ball was eating valium at

$2 a piece And I was selling a hundred valium for I forget what the fuck I was selling them. I was making two times my money And I ended up borrowing that guy like six hundred dollars And when I went back in 93, I went to his job And I told him what happened and he goes listen. I need that money Make a list. I'll give you like a hundred bucks a week. He goes no problem I gave him a hundred bucks for six weeks And I gave him something like an ounce of weed and stuff as I thank you

And I'll never forget that he put the weed in his pocket and he goes hey man I'm not mad at you But he goes it wasn't cool what you did I know you called We used to send the money right away. I go this time. I didn't know how long I was gonna stay, you know I'm sorry if I put you in a bad position He goes if it ever happens again, I just want to let you know We're gonna do some boxing

I'll never forget when he told me that I shit a little bit out of my asshole. Absolutely And I don't think I ever did business with him ever again. He's probably very happy about that. Oh, oh my god That's scary as hell. He's all gone now. He's all forgotten about That's a Just a scary way to live your life Do you do you think about going to law school? Like I mean I'm not now I'm like do you ever think about What would have happened or do you put that out of your mind? I put it out of my mind. I don't want to get sad

I don't want to be sad about right things. I should have done I think often sometimes I go fuck it. I quit when I'm doing I'll do stand up on the weekends and I go to law school Monday Tuesday Wednesday night Right, you could try it all over again. I'm 54 years old There was someone in Paul's class who was 40. That's a complete different than 50 fucking four Yeah, but you don't need them. You don't need it like that. It's a career change. You maybe just where am I gonna find The 62 hours to study league You have you make your own schedule once you're with a book center

I don't even have fucking time to watch a movie now. When would you like for me to study 62 hours a week? Let's go to class. Pretty soon. Mercy's gonna be in school. Yeah That's gonna be so great to see and we could do homework together at night And then she has to take a bath. I'm still doing homework And then she goes to bed. I'm still doing home. I'm gonna take a full course. Love every take one glass And then she fucking wakes up. I'm sitting there drinking coffee smoking cigarettes still doing goddamn homework She's persistent. I got I want to listen what keeps the lights on is me doing stand up I wish I could take a law course

Right now with two, you know how much I I try to really write even though I get shit results Right, I try to do a lot of things like I just don't have it. I would be honest with you if there was a vote tech school Three mile. I like a valley college. They don't have a real introduction to law or it doesn't really worth anything I've always thought about we spoke about years ago. Me getting the two of you almost went to history class, right? No, I got a tutor and two to flaked out of me. They want to do then He can only do it on mondays at 6 15 the fucking morning Who wants to get up on a monday morning and hear about george washington's fucking 15 the fucking morning when i'm half goddamn away All right, let me give some shout out to you as I got some beautiful fucking people

I want to thank everybody number one Who came out to the borgata from the bottom of my heart? You made me feel Fucking tremendous man mickey bart or you motherfucking divo Timmy h little timmy ryan Taking over motherfucking seacarkers. Let me give some shout outs to beard of wisdom He's a new listener brian tovar don wrangler My man lauren rozenker is going through some tough times. I want to let him know i'm thinking about him

steve scott cheesecake socks alex castino always in the house Mark vieira always in the house and i'd like to thank the borgata for having me last week And also uh, i'm at the ice house this saturday working at one uncle joey 7 30 15 dollars And then the following thursday

san francisco punchline bitches I had to drop out of the burbank comedy festival Because i got an unexpected job shooting two days on the tv show So if you bought tickets, i'm very fucking sorry. What are you clapping about? No, it's a little shitty job i'm doing. I don't even know people see it It really doesn't fucking matter. You know what i'm saying? I'm doing everything now for insurance. I enjoy my time here with you insurance is important

No, this podcast took a turn to that when you explained to me, but like I said lee I'm not saying this to Don't play your situation. Okay. I'm strictly honest with you Last week I was going through that I don't know if it was the gig at the borgata I have big times confidence issues, you know at times um There's times I don't want to go to the store because I think my comedy is dog shit

You know, uh, we all have issues other other times when you feel confident, you know Years ago, not that I had it. I had a friend I had a family. I mean I wasn't bolder And there were a couple brothers And the one guy told me that his brother suffered from it And I really liked that brother Like that was one of my favorite brothers. He really fucking made me laugh Like one day he told the guy that's this this bloody marry sucks

Get behind the ball. Let me teach you how to make a bloody marry And here's a guy in a restaurant a bar in a classy hotel And my friend's cutting up shit Making a bloody marry and the guy's looking at him like this has never happened in my 20 year career as a bartender And we had a great time. He drank like three of them and the guy even agreed It's a great bloody marry. But you know, he suffered from it And I know his brother and I Gave me paperwork

This was way before the end of it. This is 1990 made me I was just because that's when I became friends with them 8990 and I didn't see it. Look, I didn't really know the symptoms I know what bipolar is when people go a little crazy from time to time right at times I thought I have a little touch of that I have that I have that on I think both both sides of my family in different generations. I think that for me

Until I hear voices for real Or Chinese people talking in my ear in the middle of the night. I won't go on the medication that's needed I always have a pretty good grip on myself When I was doing coke three four nights a week, you know two nights in a row three nights in a row heavy Right. Let me tell you something. You feel alive You feel awake What you don't feel is in touch with life. Right. Absolutely you something doesn't feel right It's a I'm telling you guys. It's a fucking terrible feeling

Why did it fee is again? What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over. Yeah, we're insane. Yeah, absolutely. So no, no, no, no, no, no I I sympathize with your brother I was wondering if you uh, if you thought if your Memory your good memory was an issue because I think it is for me. Sometimes I'll think about something someone said to me in Seventh grade. I'm like motherfucker

And it'll like it'll torment me all day. It's crazy. It's it's I don't I don't it doesn't make sense. It has no Impact on my life, but like that sometimes that's the stuff that'll get me I have issues where I feel at times I should have done different things to different people in part of my life There's like two or three people in particular It's my nature. It's who I am It's what I have expected out of myself But for some reason sometimes I feel bad

I didn't go after these people do the hurt that they did to me But sometimes I feel good because I had a different confidence from it The one guy who fucked with me. It was about money and respect My mom helped him out. My my friends helped him out And he never turned money over to me But what happened was when he died he gave the money to his wife Dude, she got cancer and died. They gave it to her brother. He got cancer and died Then they gave it to this friend of theirs to hold until hey, they decided we're never gonna get it

You don't know how good of friends that do was with my mom And many times you went to my mom's mom's bar. I think he called me no He waited for my stepfather's sister To come from cuba and he gave her this money which was like a million and a half in cash Here's the fucking crazy thing That money was supposed to come to me And I knew this in 1980 father But it was eating me alive in those days. It was eating me alive. But you didn't have it

Yeah, it was like a mind fuck which i'm happy. I didn't get it Right because it motivated to be the person who I am today I see your point sometimes things don't go in your favor when you're 28 29 You use them in your direction. I think you need to wake up earlier I wake up and hang out with paul for 20 minutes before she leaves I'm always up at that point. And then I'm just not doing the right stuff. I guess Soon as she leaves Don't even take a shot. You have to use your just brush your teeth

drink some water Take a bottle of water and don't come home till the water's finished And that's it. I think that might be a good idea Walk to Laurel Get your mind going Get some sun on you you come back and whatever fucking thoughts Or whatever ill issues you have I guarantee they'll be gone I'm not telling you to walk the fucking the mountain the Alps. I didn't say that did I?

If you walk the riverside Maybe cross the street Walk down the cold water and walk back That's a nice street. Nobody sees you The cars are very sunny street too. It's a sunny street cars are going the other direction So if they go off the cliff And you at least you could see him before you get ticked off there's hospitals on that street in case I pass out Yeah, no, no, no, no, that's a nice little walk there. So all those things I think really help

Towards the beginning of whatever feelings you get So they don't get bigger. I've always been a big Hermit, I guess I like you know, you've always been on it. That's I mean, that's why I do it. I guess it's It's like it's a vicious circle. I I think I find and I've always the bed has always been a weird place for me I spend too much time there Listen, if I Get up right six thirty, right?

And this is no lying. This is today. Okay, if I get up at six thirty six And I'm gonna howl by myself and I tweet and I do what I need to do Then I get my notebook out and I start writing and I write about my day and what needs to be done Okay, by nine o'clock. I'm already changing my schedule in my head By 10 o'clock 10 30 guess what I start dodging What jujitsu? Really? Even though you love it? Oh at nine, there are 10 o'clock. I start dodging jujitsu 10 10 30 I'm dodging it like a motherfucker. Everything hurts. I get up. My knees hurt. My back hurts

I have breathing issues All of a sudden that bong had I took an eight now. I'm really fucking high Oh my god, maybe I should just stay home and lift weights. All right All the excuses Excuse me I can come into my head Shoot into my head. It's the weirdest thing right? Yeah, that was amazing every fucking excuse possible I mean, I could wake up fine. I could wake up and go for a mile run All of a sudden two hours after I wake up. I can't walk

That's how fucked up my mind is And now I just get water. I get my protein drink I go to the back. I put on my shorts. I put on my geek pants and I go and I go fucking if I'm sore I'll give it a shot like today. I was sore as fuck from that plane ride Remember it was five in with a fucking hour drive And then on the way back it was one in with a six hour plane ride back in Philly They ain't fucking around jack. That's a lot of pain this morning. I was walking around a little fucked up But I finally said fuck it. I got a little lunch time worst case scenario. I'll put some blood in my back

Right, that's the worst case fucking scenario. Absolutely. So I'm I'm finally starting I didn't I had a weird issue where I I drank too many coca-coles by mistake. I don't drink like alcohol that often I kind of drink coke and whiskeys and they were lighter than I thought But I'm starting to Like if I if I self medicate with food I'm getting to an age now where people die now There's 29 year olds that die from being from eating too much and being too fat. So I it's not it's not as a

Carefree anymore. You can't so that's why it's why I think I think that might be why it's on my mind You know the buffet. Yeah, they tell me about your menu at the buffet. You were mean at the buffet I was I was out of the buffet was delicious No, no, I had a beef rib with delicious just one beef. Yeah, because they're they're big I did have a crepe which is delicious flavor cinnamon and nutella delicious I had uh some dumplings You know, I have to get dumplings. How many do you love like four? Maybe six. No, I had four to ask paula I had uh

What else did I have? I didn't have I had um What else was there? It was a good buffet. I didn't get the sushi. I missed I miss it I was I this is you Yeah, I don't I don't eat crab legs um What do you for dessert? I mean the crepe the crepe the crepe was I'm forget. I'm forgetting what what else I got It's on the coconut cream pie. I don't like that

You missed on the regular vanilla fucking cake with the white frosting on the chocolate frosting Right, you passed all up for a crepe. Yeah, well the crepe was great. Oh, and then we saw love, which is really good What's love the Beatles? Uh show how long is that 90 minutes? Did you enjoy yourself? It was great And then Saturday morning. What'd you do? Uh Saturday morning We went around the casino. We've been I started playing pie gal. Oh, and there's a friend at a casino that would talk to me And gave me a a note. It fell out. Please email me. Um But uh, it was we played pie gal a little bit. I saw our friend Danny my nephew Danny. Um, what casino you working?

cosmopolitan You've been there for a while. He started somewhere else and they transferred them there. It's a very fancy It's where all the cool kids stay. It's the coolest hippest casino. It's uh And I went there. I made all the wrong bets like all like except for the tiny avenger one Which is and and that's what and that's what i'm seeing now is that you find the one mistake That you think you can can bet on and then just put it all on that if I'd put it all on that I would have made the same amount of money that I would have made if I had won all my other bets So I should have just done that

You should don't lie things cocksucker. So Pie gal is fun. Pie gal is great. You had a good time with your wife. That's all that matter. Great time Larry's guy, what are you staying a hotel at a casino? I don't know. He uh, because I went with his wife Casino was weird. I want to I want to put them on blast, but uh, put them on fucking blast They cancelled the u of c for a uh, like a beach boys reunion band or tribute band So that was a weird choice, but well, uh I'm happy

That you spoke about your little Thank you for what let me do it things on the podcast I hope that uh, you group on A psychotherapist in the area just to talk to her maybe two or three times Yeah, no, I think I will you decide maybe cut a rate with her. Maybe she has a sliding scale According to your salary I mean all of these things help man, you know, uh It's worth a shot. Like I said, I've always been a fucking macho sack of shit

You know and I'll talk to people like I listen that lady that I went to for this uh Hypnotism I spoke to her a few times about a couple sense of issues and dr. Amy when I go there for Uh acupuncture She first thing she asked me it's what's going on

So we talk for 10 minutes Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Are you stressed out? Are you and your wife getting along? How's your sex life? Ba ba ba ba ba You know, they Dr. Amy asked me all that shit. I trust her now Yeah, you put the relation that's mine. That's my biggest fear with uh With doing this uh therapy and not not only because of the price but that I it would

I wish I knew I wish I knew a therapist Almost well, you're gonna get hit By 20,000 therapists now People saying they could and I'm sure they can do ask actually do you think maybe if I went to a group Like the person who ran the group would be a therapist Yeah, that's what they do So maybe then I could go to the groups that might be cheaper fine Which one I like and then go to them individually

Whatever, you know, listen, you have a fear They're not really you don't have a fear speaking in public. I had I had one before this In fact, you're very good at it You gotta copy your fears in this life, man All this shit you're scared of if there's 10 skit things you're scared of and you conquer six of those things You know what man? We did okay We did okay. Go talk to somebody You know, uh

You go to this gym a year and a half You haven't spoken to a trainer over there You haven't been open with nobody over there. No, I'm sure they all have nutrition tips And maybe they'll work you out. I know they charge like a motherfucker But you know what there's somebody over there that you can say listen No, I want a group on and there's so many of them when you group on Yeah, one has tons of shit out there for burbank No hoes Sherman oaks

Tons of shit Especially crossfit which you don't need in your life. They're just gonna fuck up your knees about boot camps I don't know. I don't know how they work Are you really gonna go to the boot camp? I gave you that thing Yeah, that thing is very interesting about the ymca on Tuesdays from 4 to 6 start norgas 15 They do cardio vascular health if you can't commit to that way You can't commit to shit. I could do that. That's eight weeks From 4 to 6 nothing can interfere unless somebody in your family getting stabbed

You get there at 3 30 you stretch out. I think it's an hour workout an hour of education If I I have to take the baby to swim at 455 If not, I'd fucking do it with you. Do you have to be a member? You have to sign up Okay, go talk to them. I'll talk to them because they because I'll see as soon as they see you Lee and you tell Tell them whatever the fuck you want. Listen, right? I suck dick to make a living But I swallow the sperm with cupcakes You know I'm saying I'm gaining weight. I can't stop gaining weight. I want to know about guidance. I saw this brochure And they did it before and I guess I was successful with it and look who's sponsoring the event

So that the and they take your blood pressure, right? They take blood from you in the beginning And then at the end They do it again and they show you the progress you've made. I'll definitely look into it because I'm worried about my heart. So that's it I'll definitely look into it. Listen little steps become back steps brother Once a week from 4 to 6 That is shit. Right. You should show up once a week

Eventually one day you know what I show up treat and what you are you go into the gym, right? I go to the gym Yeah, but I'm sorry about the bottle Do you think maybe I was wondering because I had a I don't know six seven months of the most working I've ever done in my life and that ended and I and I and the kind of It kind of went through a period there after that So maybe I gained weight and so maybe uh I should just draw in a class and get over with like it get over my fear

You bring yourself out with the elliptical that time and you didn't want to try anything else. It's not the same It's not the same Anyway, listen man. July was a fucking interesting month And I'm happy a lot of people want a vacation and whatnot, but listen. We had a great month as always. Thank you as From the bottom of my fat little heart man me and lee. Thank you for listening And for being loyal fans, but before I didn't let me talk to you about something Maybe you look and maybe you're not I don't know what the situation is in your life

All I'm telling you right now is you want like I said little steps become big steps Lift knows that their drivers will keep them moving So they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip It's a simple formula happy drivers mean happy passengers. Maybe that's why nine out of ten lift rides get a perfect Five star rating every time I take one I give them five stars It's tremendous from the airport right to the house and it's quick It's right on the phone not to mention as a driver you can earn hundreds of dollars a week Plus tips you want to earn more money you drive more

It's never been easier to get yourself erased right now There's no salary at all. There's no uh cap. There's no roof You can make what the hell you want on whatever days you want Lift was lift was the first rideshare platform with a tipping built right into the app Because getting tipped shouldn't depend on your passenger having a crumpled build in their pocket You keep 100% of the tips and let me tell you something. They add up fast Drivers have been paid over 200 million Since the feature was introduced and express pay lets you get paid

Almost instantly instead of waiting for 19 weeks like one of these other You know, I hate when people owe me geetus Lift is even taking the guesswork out of pickups The new app device uses color coding to help passengers find your drivers I see it all the time at night and that impresses the hell out of me It makes it a lot easier. I was making it a lot easier. I used it all the time in vegas And I it was easy to find them because it's hard because everyone's using them and Just speak about the the interesting drivers you meet

We met a Mormon guy who had lived in in Utah and and and so and sells education software And does this during the summer to during the slow times during when they're selling educational software That's what I'm saying. Listen, you can earn So join the ridesharing company that believes in treating its people better Go to lift.com slash joey today right now and you can get a 500 dollar new driver bonus That's lift.com slash joey again. That's lift.com slash joey limited time only Terms apply number two. It's august 1st. Let's face it Humidity is fucking everywhere. You know what humidity means

The next time you go on a date Your asshole's gonna smell like a dead frog by 11 o'clock Who the fuck are you kidding? I've been there. You know, my asshole smells like what humidity? Why do you think I left jersey because that warrants? Yeah, because my asshole stunk That's why I had warrants to be honest with you. You don't need that aggravation in your life You always want to be refreshed. You want your helmet to be clean? Females, you know, I love you. You always need that monkey to get a little water Isn't that wrong with that monkey getting a little water spit at and that's exactly what I'm gonna promote to you and tell you right now

With hello tushy.com. You're sitting there going joey. You're speaking about cleaning monkeys and my asshole What are you talking about? I'm talking about a portable bidet That fits right in your toilet and it's easy to install. How easy is it link? Less than 15 minutes. Boom tip top. You could bring it on the road if you really want to that that's how that listen By the time you get one it's portable You are gonna bring it on the road Because you don't know what life is about

To you sitting that little thing and that little thing spits water in your little muffler And you're sitting there in a fucking trance Like a fool, but you're you're a finger banger 14 year old girl when you were in high school That their eyes rolled back in their head and shit That's what happens to you when cold water hits your little fucking muffler And you're sitting and then you move back and you swivel a nut sack of death And ladies, can you imagine a little cold water at lunchtime? A little cold water at six a little cold water at eight. I ain't gonna hurt nobody. You know what I'm saying?

A quick wipe to get that little yellow stuff out and that's it. Bing bang boom You're back in the race. You know what I'm saying? Go to hello tushy.com slash joy right now church slash church. I'm sorry Hello tushy slash church right now. You're going joy. What are you talking about? I'm talking about a portable bidet that's going to change your life. I'm talking about a device that's going to help you Not get hemorrhoids. It's going to help you have not get infections It's going to help you not get the most important thing that you can get which is called swamp ass Do you want to walk around with swamp ass or you want your asshole to be refreshed at all times refreshed refreshed?

Not only that if something happens to hello tushy I got a 90 day guarantee and I'll tell you what if lee's been using his for how long now It feels like six seven months if lee hasn't busted that thing and I haven't busted mine You you're sitting there with a nice skinny asshole But you know what a stinky ass holes in your jeans. You're a skinny guy. You eat healthy But you know what? I don't know. Maybe you're from a different country and your jeans are different and every time you open up Your asshole, it's like fucking tear gas. It's your lucky day Go to hello tushy slash church right now and get 10 off on your portable bidet

I guarantee you I guarantee you you're gonna hit me on twitter and go joey You're a fucking genius. You changed my life. You're a swami from salami I can't believe that you have that type of fucking knowledge. I'm telling you But they will change your life. Hello tushy slash church is here to stay bitch and you want to get in on this I miss it. I missed it all the time when I was in vegas 107 I missed it. I miss it when I went to a linear city. You have to go in the shower and bend over I think the same fucking thing. It's like going back to a vcr after that flicks You got to bend down like you're praying at a synagogue or whatever the fuck with people with no shoes on and shit. Anyway

Go to hello tushy slash church right now and get 10 off and don't forget You're short on money. You want to make a little extra bacala? Go to lipp.com slash joey That's lipp.com slash joey and get $500 signing bone new driver bonus. All right a limited time only Terms apply. Thank you for a great month in july. We'll see you motherfuckers wednesday Ready to rock around the clock. All right, like I said the ice house Saturday august 5th 7 30 You still get out in the pasadena or whatever the hell you're going and then uh august 10th

The punch line in san francisco. Have a great day. Stay black bitches Oh Oh Hey Look at me now Oh Hey I have been guilty of killing myself in the

I will speak no more of my feelings Down in a home Feelings are small Oh I Oh Sad too Oh

Down in a home Feelings are small Down in a home I will drop My night to fly Oh You