Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #505 - Ron White

Episode Date: August 7, 2017

Ron White, Comedian seen on the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" in addition to his multi-platinum comedy specials, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 08/03/2017.
  

Greetings podcast, Bill. Welcome to the church. What's happening now? It's brought to you by Zip recruiter. Are you hiring? Do you know what opposed your job to find the best candidates? No, you don't do me a favor. Go to zip recruiter for free. That's right. Free. Just go to zip recruiter.com slash church. That's zip recruiter.com slash church. Number two, honet.com. The best supplements, period. From shroom tech sport, alpha brain, hem force protein. You can't fucking go wrong. Go to honet.com slash church. Boom. And get 10% off to live it right to your motherfucking door. Let's get this party started. One, two, three. Are you fucking kidding me or what? It's the church and what's happened now, bitches. Monday,

August 7th. Here we go. Like a black cat. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. It's going to be that type of Monday cocksuckers. It's going to be when they get this podcast. Mr. Saturday night. It's the church. Oh, it's happened now. My Jewish goomba, Lisa, and the man of steel, Mr. Ron White. Oh, I'm talking about a Monday motherfucking morning. Good afternoon. Good evening, Mr. White. How are you, sir? I feel like a hundred pesos. Oh my God. That's the fucking weed that

killed Carrie Fisher. I'm telling you. That's how Patron. That's what you got to smoke for the series the Netflix premiere of Narcos. That's the weed you got to smoke right there. What's going on, my man? You know, I just came by here and you just got me so fucked up and in about 30 minutes that I'm just going to be like, oh, this will be great. People just to see just how brain dead I can possibly fucking become. Thank you, Joey. Oh, this tequila is tremendous. I haven't drank in a while, but this is tremendous. Oh, and they're ridiculous. One more. Tequila is probably the most fun, like, I think. You can't hold on one fucking like, you know what I'm saying? It's a it's a whatever the fuck. I'm not going to remember any words for the rest of the fucking night.

What's the weed you were fucking giving me, man? Patron from Perennial. Right down the block here in Studio City. This is the shit Jerry Lewis gives the kids before he shoots him. He gives them one of these. Listen, you're like, you're not selling no more tickets. You got to go get hit by another car or something's got to happen. Oh my God, Ron White, where the fuck do we start? You tell me, man. This is you. You know what? I came down here today to do this because I'm such a big fan and I don't I don't know. I mean, I guess one of the things that's you know, when I start when I move back to move to LA and and I think, as you know, I want to be a part of the comedy community. You know, I want to be a part of it. I don't want to hang out on

the edges and walk in. I want to be a dead fuck in the middle of it. You know, just having a good time doing what I do. It's the only thing I do. So I love being you know, I like being a part of it. I don't care if somebody's an open migra or they make 10 times more money than I do like somebody does. I'm just fucking with you. Now, where'd you live before full time? I had a place up in Montecito, California, where I just sat on the deck and looked at the ocean and drank and did nothing. And now I still drink, but I go in and do sets every, you know, when I'm home, you know, I always go out and do sets. So that's the fucking most fun I can have. It makes me relaxed. If I don't get, if I don't go out and do sets every night, I'm pinned up. I feel like I'm here

for no reason. And, uh, and it just, you know, it makes me fucking smile just to go out and let people love me. You know, you, you, you, I mean, oh my God, let them love me. There's no, there's nothing wrong with that. I fucking love on me. Man, the night I was, I always call up for the holidays. There's some about the store on the holidays that makes my dick hard, whether it's Thanksgiving night, Christmas night. And this year I called in fighting Christmas Eve or Christmas night. I never look at the lineup. I just want to go down there and get surprised. I get out of my car and there you are dressed to the nines. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing down here? Same thing you are doing this set. And I'm like, God damn. I called Rogan the next one. I'm like,

Rogan, what the fuck were you last night? My family, we were down at the store having a fucking blast. Yeah, we had, we had toasted. Oh my God. And that's what, I guess that's what being a comic is. I mean, you never end. It never ends. Well, you know, this is a camaraderie of people that are, it's such a, number one, is stand-up comedy is a tiny, tiny subculture. I mean, they're just not very, they're way more fucking brain surgeons than there are people that make the living doing stand-up comedy. You know, it's a small subculture. And I find for the most part, not always, but for the most part, there are people I can fucking hang with, you know, because we, you know, we know the same people,

we've had the same experiences, you know, most of us that have, you know, rotted our ass off until it was eroded. And, you know, so it's just a, especially the stork, as you can sit back, there's a, there's a, there's a place, I don't, you know, nobody knows this or maybe you do, but at the store, there's a place for comedians to smoke weed and be who they are. And they've always embraced the insanity of stand-up comedians. They've always known the best ones were crazy as fuck. And so they're like, let's make a craziest fuck spot and let the craziest fuck people have a place to be while they're doing stand-up. And that's why, you know, prior, they built a fucking glass piano for him to do blow off of. Like, if you're going to be crazy, please be crazy here

and tell jokes on our fucking stage. And that's why Carlin and Kenison and, you know, all the, all the devils, you know, they all came up over here, you know, the angels came up over at the improv. So I usually gravitate toward, and I love working both clubs and, and luckily not everybody can, but, uh, you know, it's a, it's a, it's a blast. But if you go to the improv and go, hey, we're going to smoke some weed, they're like, well, you have to actually stand on Melrose Avenue in traffic to do it. That's the, that's what, that's what we got worked out for you. Like, really? You know, you know, they hear you, you get to hear the story, you park your car right next to the building and, you know, walk on in. It's great. It's, it's fun, fun.

Now, where was the first time you got up on stage? Where the fuck was it? What do you claim? Who claims you? Uh, well, the, the, it was called the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Arlington, Texas. And, uh, this guy that I, I was a, I was a window salesman and, uh, this guy that I worked with went to the first open magnate that they had there after the club first opened. And, uh, he came to the office the next day and he goes, Ron, you're funnier than these guys. You should go do this. And I was like, really? You think so? And he said, yeah, no, so I watched everybody. You're, you're, you're better than they are. You go, go do this. So, as I went down there and auditioned for one person, which is so humiliating. There's one person there with their arms crossed

and I've got four minutes of shit, you know, pure fucking unadulterated crap. And, uh, one thing got a laugh and they decided to let me on. And, and, uh, then I remember the guy, I forget his name, but, uh, he's a black comic and, uh, Ron, his name was Ron Something. And, uh, he, and I remember he goes, please enjoy the comedy stylings of Ron White. And I'm walking towards the stage and I'm like, stylings? Stylings? I'm just nervous as fuck. And I didn't expect him to say stylings. And then I didn't, but I, but I, but I did okay in, uh, for my four minutes that and, but the next week, I mean, nobody was there. I didn't tell anybody I was doing it, but I, but it went so well. I thought I was a guy a little cocky, you know, first show cockies.

And, uh, so the next night, the next week that they let me on was like three weeks later. That's how good the set was. And, uh, and, uh, so did I tell all my friends and everybody, you know, coming out is amazing. And I just went on stage and drank a cup of my own warm, fucking sperm. This fucking great comic is on right before me. I froze up and it was awful, just the worst thing. I don't think everything, anything ever happened worst after that. That, that set was so absolutely horrible that I was like, and all my friends were there. They're like, and your friends are trying to laugh, but it's really not funny. So they're making that, say, I don't know if somebody's sister loves me, but it's not a laugh cause you can't, if it's not

funny, you can't make yourself fucking laugh at it. You just go, uh, uh, what year was this? 86. Oh my, and what was going on in the comedy community then? They were all over the place, comedy clubs and all. No, you know, no, they were, uh, that was pretty much the 86. The middle of the boom, I guess, you know, there, there was, uh, three, there were four clubs in, uh, in, uh, Dallas. So, uh, I got, I figured out, I'm, I'm, I'm smart on a couple levels, but one of them is, I saw that was an MC job, not an opening act job. So if you were really dedicating yourself to becoming a really good master of ceremonies, even though you suck, if you're a, if you're, if you memorize the announcements and you know who's coming next week and you make

it look like a show, then you'll probably get more work than these guys that are just back there looking at their stupid little horrible jokes. And then they're like pulling out pieces of paper and then, you know, so I, I'm like, well, you know, fuck show business. Why not make it slicker? Maybe that helps to get, you know, stage time, because that's what you need to stage time. You know, how do you get on stage? How do you stay on stage? How do you, where, where do you have to go to get on stage? What, because if you're not willing to do whatever the fuck it takes to stay on stage, then, uh, then, then, you know, it won't work anyway, but it for sure won't work. You know, if you don't have that kind of, you know,

attitude or mentality of, you know, I would invent things to put me on stage when I was an amateur comic. Uh, I would go to these restaurants that, uh, or hotels or the restaurant and I would set up a comedy competition and first place would be dinner for two. And, uh, I would only invite comics than I was funnier than. If you were funnier than me, you weren't going to hear about this competition. So I wanted to fucking food. You know, I did, that meant something. That was like, you know, $16 worth of stuff. And it, you know, at a meal, uh, you know, it was fucking that important. It meant something. And, uh, and, you know, so I just kind of learned how to set up gigs that way. So now we're going to be talking about it. I started talking to me to

300 bucks for first place and 200 bucks or whatever. And, uh, and then eventually I got good enough. Anybody could come, you know, I could, you know, when did you start featuring? How long? I, uh, I started featuring, uh, I got, I got a phone call one day and, uh, from the funny bone in Arlington, Texas. And, uh, Sam Kinnison was coming to the, uh, Dallas County Convention Theater for a makeup show. He'd already missed it. He'd already canceled it. And, uh, so, and Carl was, uh, Carl Above was in, uh, rehab and, uh, they really hadn't thought about who was going to open the show. So they called the improv day a show and then, uh, and asked them, you know, who, who, who can we get to do this? And they, uh, Ron White's pretty funny and, uh, and I, I wish I could tell

you when it was, but I think maybe two years or a year and a half or something. I only had 15 minutes and that was a 20 minute job. So when they said 20 minutes, I was like, sure. And, uh, so it wasn't very long into it. And, uh, I go down there and, uh, with my, uh, my first wife, uh, Lori and, uh, and Alex Ramundo, um, uh, my dear friend for 30 years to this day where we'll work together tomorrow night or last week or whatever. And, uh, so, so Sam, it's 2000 seats. You know, I hadn't played more than a funny ball. You know, that's all I'd played. And, uh, but they were packed and, you know, back in the eighties and, uh, so I, uh, his brother was there. Uh, I can't remember his name now. Uh, Keneson's brother was his manager, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. And, uh,

you know, he's, uh, Ken Sam's not there. There's nobody else back there. And when they have a sort of six pack of beer and an ice chest and then Sam has a dressing suite with a, you know, bunch of stuff in it and, uh, but nobody's there. And, uh, so he goes, well, we're going to go ahead and start the show. And he goes, uh, Sam's, uh, opening act is oftentimes a sacrificial lamb because Sam was at his peak of, uh, popularity. And then they, and they, he said, sometimes they'll just start yelling at you and trying to get you off stage and, and they'll, they just want to see Sam. So whatever happens, don't take it fucking personal. And I'm like, okay, okay, all right. Okay. And, uh, and I go out there and it was, it was the, it was, the set was so strong that it

lasted 16 minutes. You know, it was only 14 minutes of stuff, but I've murdered and, uh, just absolutely killed. And, uh, and, uh, I was looking over the side and I know he was hoping I would do more time because Sam still wasn't there. And, uh, I'm like, all right. And the thing fucking crap goes nuts. And, uh, then there's the people that some of the, some people that were owners of the funny bone chain were at that show and some people that from the laugh stop were at that show. And, uh, and I think the punchline also. And, um, so anyway, I come off stage and Sam's still not there. So, you know, I'm half having, uh, Lori and Alex. And no, that was great. That was kill. That was murder. That's the best thing ever.

And, uh, we're back there drinking that six pack of Budweiser and, uh, Alex and I smoke a joint and all of a sudden three limos pulled up. Now there's 20 people back there. As soon as he Sam gets there, he sends his bodyguard to get me and he goes, uh, Mr. Kinnison, I'd like to meet you. And, uh, so I go back to the back and, uh, he's, uh, there's two rooms in this little dressing area and we, and people in the front and, and, uh, and then there was a private room in the back and it's just Sam and a hooker, I guess. And, and, uh, and he's got a big old vial of blow and some of those rocks stuck in it and he's banging it on the table. He's working on it. He's frustrated. He can't get what he wants out of the end of his bottle. And then finally it,

it, it clumps up and he got out of there and there's a big old pile and he goes, uh, heard you killed him cowboy. And I go, yeah, Sam, that's a great crowd. You're going to have fun. He goes, how about a cup of coffee? And I was like, yeah, yeah, okay. All right. And, uh, so we did, both did a, he did his monster rail of blow and then, and then faked a heart attack and nobody believed it, but me and, uh, but he did. He fucking, he's on his back, grabbing his fucking heart and just fucking shaking. Cause I know I would have died if I had done that one instead of the one I did. And, uh, and then he hops up, laughing. And, uh, he goes, let me show you how to do this. And he goes out of station, just pounds the fuck out of this crowd. It was so beautiful to see.

And, uh, and so afterwards I had a demon on each side, a demon in the devil. No, no, no, I had a demon in an angel and the angel was, uh, all the representatives from those clubs going, let's go out to dinner and we'll have, uh, uh, nice discussion about your comedy career on one shoulder. And the other shoulder was kinsing going, let's go to a teddy bar and store some cocaine. I'm like, yeah, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Right. So I just went with Sam and, uh, and, and I didn't see him again for years. And, uh, but that's, that was, that's where I got the dates to do 50 weeks, you know, to enough to, you know, pay the bills. What year was that about? How did it go? Yeah, no, 88 or wow, wow. Yeah. So yeah, he was at the top of his fucking game.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Good Lord. He was amazing. It was amazing to see, you know, I hadn't seen, uh, I don't think I'd even seen, well, I know I hadn't seen homeless sexual necrophilia ever. And, uh, uh, and then he did it in that set. And, uh, so it was, it was a new, so it was a newer set. It was mostly stuff I hadn't seen, but, uh, back then it was pretty prolific with, uh, you know, with that amazing stuff. You know, he built a bridge that a bunch of comics walked across and, uh, that bridge, I'm good at naming bridges and comedy. And that was a bridge that people can genuinely find you disgusting and you can still make them laugh. And I don't think anybody knew that before Sam, you know, Sam was gut level fucking, uh, uh, just unpleasant in his, in his

views and his opinions and, uh, and, and, but it was such a gifted orator that he could still fucking hook you into it. Even if you're like afterward, you felt dirty about it. I mean, it's a, you know, something you're really good at too. I watched that. I still remember not doing comedy, just nothing blowing my living room on a Saturday night. And I still remember that Billy did about, uh, why you, you know, shipping food there, the fucking nothing grows. Lee, you know, run whites in studio, drink that fucking drink. I'm drinking it. You know, when they put nice in it, dilute in it, take a shot. Columbus did. It's always a fuck, you know, it's pretty much gone. Oh yeah. This is number one here, that now from there, where the fuck was

your head the next day? You're like, this is it. There's no more working in a fucking job. There's dick. You know, I, I got, uh, I wasn't really good at anything and, uh, at all. And, uh, it was also a little on the lazy side. And, uh, so, uh, I know it was horrible at high school. And, uh, I got kicked out in the 10th grade and, uh, joined the Navy and got kicked out of the Navy after 18 months. Cause I was horrible at that, really bad, really bad at that. And, um, you know, I was just, my brain just, I knew it wasn't stupid, like everybody claimed, because I knew that my brain had a something in it. I was, something was there, but it, we were so un-fucking defined, I just couldn't figure out what it was. And, and, uh, so the,

really the first time I went on stage, I was on stage going, oh, I'm a comedian. Well, that's fucking good to know. At least I know it. But I knew the first time I walked on stage, this is where it fits. This is exactly the puzzle piece that fits the fucking puzzle piece of my brain and what it will do. Uh, so, and, you know, whether I was born to be a stand-up comic or it just happened along or whatever, uh, but, uh, I wouldn't starve to death in any other country on this planet with the skills that I have, but in, in the US, that makes two of us. That makes two. I could only, I told Lee last night, Lee, if it wasn't for, I thought when I came, I came down here only because of the pilot. They saw me in Seattle.

I didn't think I was good enough to live in LA. I said, it's not going to work. And I said, I'll give myself a year. If this fails, I'll move to Jersey and just sell drugs. I've done it all. I've been a chef at fucking Wendy's. I was ever, I couldn't do it. Yeah, I was a chef at Wendy's. I was in the chef training program. But, you know, I just fit. When I got on stage, I knew I didn't want to work days. My mom owned the bar and her days were free and I loved her lifestyle. She worked from eight to three and that was a great lifestyle. She went there in the daytime. She looked at the receipts. She talked to a few people and then she was on her way to a Mac game, getting fucking lit, go home, cook dinner. We dinner,

abandon ship, go to the bar, work until three. I always knew I was not going to get a day job. It just wasn't going to work. I tried the bartending. Who the fuck wants to bartend? You want to be on the other side of the bar drinking for free? There's no better job. You know, Alex, I mentioned Alex earlier. His, the reason he decided to go to stand up was he was working as a bartender at the club and he had to go do something at the condo and the guys were at the pool on a Wednesday and just floating there chatting up to chicks and you know, and he's like, that's what I want to do. I want to lay by the pool on a Wednesday, not get up and drive someplace. Fuck no. I was a failure. I knew it wasn't going to work, Ron.

I knew it wasn't going to work. Let me ask you this. I know it's an off-setting question. That guy that talked you into going down there, you still communicate with him? Yeah. Sam is a great guy. I always thought he'd be a horrible salesman and he was like way better than me and I was pretty good. But yeah, I'm a volumetric biologist. He liked cross-country bicycling and he had just been part of a big group of people that did it and so I bought him the most ridiculous bicycle ever and then I bailed him out of jail a couple of times. So yeah, we stay in contact. Usually when I play, he still lives right where he used to, same house. So whenever I play Fort Worth or Dallas or whatever, he always comes out to show us.

The first guy that ever, the first guy that ever mentioned stands up to me. I was working at Hollister Chrysler Planet, snorting coke seven days a week, you know, making seven, eight grand a month selling cars out there with a suit on, thinking you're fucking John Gotti, but I was snorting all night every night till six. Then I went over to Bill Crouch Subaru and like the third day there was a new manager there and we actually bumped fucking heads. Like it was like, fuck you, I do it this way. And he's like, fuck you, I do it this way. And this guy got in my face and I got in his face. And like two days later, we got broken up that night. Two days later, I'm outside waiting for a customer and this crazy fuck comes up to me and goes, hey man, I don't know what

happened between us the other day. No, do I care. I know you may be not like you. I'm not too crazy about you. He goes, but for 10 years of my life, I was an assistant to an entertainment director in Vegas. And he goes, I'll tell you something. You don't need to be selling cars. You could be a stand-up comic. Let go fuck yourself. You just call me a fucking loser two days ago. Now you're telling me I could be a stand-up comic. Well, you could be a stand-up comic and a loser all the time. Yeah, yeah. I've seen it happen. No, please, I've done it. So it's those, I never know. I always sit there for nights thinking about what his name is. And I still, I would love to say him and give him a hug and go, you were fucking right. That was the first, then other people came along and said different

things. You had to do in that direction. Now from, all right. So now you're a feature actor out there. I start comedy in 91. For three years, I just sold volumes. I told my friends, come to my show. They would call me and go, you got a grandma blow. Yeah. Show up at the broker. It's there. And they would come and now they'd have to go to the show. Genius man. Oh my God. That's, that's how you get people to show. Right. It makes you regional. Oh my God. Regional jurisdiction. I would tell them, you want to have a grandma, give it to you for 45. It's one rock, but you gotta come to the broker at 830. Why? What's going on? Just show up there. I'll meet you there. They would walk in, they'd pay the fucking fine hours to get in. They'd sit through the show.

I'd do the comedy and then I'd give them the Coke or the Valium. What a couple of 94. I got into it. 96. I finally start going on the road to different places. 97. Coconut Grove has a club. I keep calling this club going. I'm Cuban. I want to work the club. I worked it a lot. Go fuck you. I know. Go fuck yourself. You can't work down here. Then finally that fucking, the Chinese hot piece of ass, Sarah and I calls me. And she goes, I got a week for you two weeks. You got to do Buffalo first and I'll give you Miami. That was Alex's girl. Yeah. That was Alex's girl. From the first night before Buffalo, I booked a fucking Penzole commercial. A mobster was the heat of mafia shit because of the Sopranos.

I'm going out every day on a different commercial. I book up around the world type of Penzole commercial. I call Sarah and I at eight o'clock at night, L.A. time. I go, Sarah, Buffalo ain't happening on Tuesday morning. She goes, don't ever call me again. I'm like, fuck. Fuck. I just lost Miami. A year later, they called again and go, we want you down in Miami. They got to tell you around the way. The fucking minute I walked in, everybody kept asking me, do you know where I'm going? Are you friends of runway? I saw your picture on the wall. I don't know this fucking guy. That one, they loved you down there. This is a Cuban club. Yeah, yeah. And they loved them. I worked at international crowd pretty well, you know.

And also participated in the fun. I watched people age at an accelerated rate at that fucking club. First open, everybody was fuckable. The guys were fuckable. The girls were fuckable. Everybody was cute, but they're going at it on this blow. They're getting for almost nothing. Every night, every single night, and I would only be there for like five days. So I would take a hit, but I'd come back a year and I didn't do a lot of blow outside of there. I mean, I did some, you know, I did blow, but I didn't, I wouldn't, I didn't hit it as hard as you did. Oh, I was hitting it down. But when I went down there, I would fucking go, we spent, we went to, I don't know why I was just so into the stupidest shit when I'm wired, but no, everybody wants to go see

RuPaul. It's a huge gay bar. It plays like 2000 gay men and RuPaul comes in and does like, he had, he had like a song, a hit song on the radio and he does that song and then does it. It's a great to be gay shit and Arab cheerleader stuff and all these guys. And the reason I really remember it is because like the ugliest dudes there hit on me. And I'm like, what? You're not going to send your little Rob Lowe looking motherfucker over here. What, what, what? I know I'm kind of fat, but goddamn, I'm not going to fuck you. Does that get a crack to fucking safe? Now, what was the whole Mexico thing? Why were you living in Mexico? Fucking, and people will look, every comedy club is looking for you.

Yeah, it was, yeah, it's, you know, I was, I was with a, with a girl living on a lake outside Austin and the Funny Bone Comedy Club realized they could fuck me because they realized that I had so many eggs in their basket that they didn't need to pay me two grand a week in air that they could pay me 1500 and drop the air. So that's a big cut in pay. So it didn't cost you about 280 to, you know, fly around to a gig or something like that. And I was living in South Texas and, or I've lived in Austin on a lake in Kingland, Texas. And my girlfriend made this pottery. It was really pretty. It was mosaic tile application to an existing piece of pottery. She'd sell it in art shows, but it'd take her like six months to make enough to sell in a day. So

I just started thinking, well, you know, if I could go down to Mexico, you know, hire a roomful of people and teach them how to do this. And so I sold the house and loaded all my stuff up in a big, biggest thing, writer's sales. And then my van pulled the biggest trailer that they rent. I mean rent and we traipse off down to Mexico. I don't speak Spanish. I don't know anybody. And first we get a trailer outside in McAllen, Texas. And it was like a, it was like a gated golf course trailer park. So it was kind of like high end trailer living. But it was my, but my love was for Reno, some Mexico. I mean, I loved it over there. I used to play a comedy club down in McAllen and I'd go over there and be in that fuck horse and whatever, you know, Texas

shit. And that's where, that's what you do and where you go. So I always had to, you know, like a warm spot in my heart for it. And so, you know, I go over there and I meet this lady named Aaron Munoz and who speaks a little bit of English. And so we had to do exactly what I envisioned. That was, you know, we hired these ladies that live in this colony and that rented this rundown old tortilla factory and cleaned it up and painted it and shit and built tables myself. I was in there sweating, you know, drinking Corona and smoking weed that I had to smuggle from the U S back into Mexico. I was the only one going that way with weed. And so I got away with it, but I literally didn't have any idea where to buy marijuana in Mexico because they

don't smoke marijuana in the border towns. I mean, yeah, not very many people do. So the dealers on the other side, so you got to bring it back. It's kind of funny. But anyway, it was, you know, it was just an experience. My son, you know, I had joined custody of my son. So from the time I'd been doing standing for three years, I had a kind of a three year old for, you know, my son was with me half the time. So I'm in a van with a car seat. I don't know jack shit about raising a kid, but I got part of one. I got it. And so, you know, and, you know, every whenever I'm supposed to have him, you know, his mother puts him on a plane, send him to Mexico. And she was always hip about it. You know, she was probably a good experience for him. So eventually,

the blue, you know, I started, I'm going out on the weekends with Jeff. And so I'd get on a plane, fly from McAllen to Houston. And then I'd get on a plane from Houston to Atlanta. And then Jeff was releasing jazz by then. And then we'd go do, you know, probably three cities in three days. And it was just you and Jeff then? Just me and Jeff. Okay. And what year is this? Let's pretend. Yeah, fuck. 93, maybe 93, 94. So, and then every once in a while, I'm doing a pub. I mean, I have a club, somebody that didn't try to fuck me over. And then also when I told the people at the funny bone to go eat a steaming bowl of fuck six months later, they were going, well, wait a minute, you know, we'll pay you the money. And then so then, you know, I'm working with Jeff.

And so Jeff's paying me 1500 a show. So that's way more money. And he did it because he loved me. And he knew I needed it, you know, so he fucking great guy. And so now I can find the company down there. And so I go out with him and then I'll fly back on Sunday. And, you know, go back and live a life I love, which was down in Mexico. Nobody bothers you. Yeah, no, I can't. I always wanted to live in Mexico, like where the bomb went for the tattoo. That morning and fucking teepee. I lost my virginity to a prostitute in Tijuana when I was 18 years older than Navy. She was overweight and her teeth had no general direction or color, but she was well within my budget. Is that why you got kicked out of the Navy? Oh, no. You said I just never heard that

before that you were bad at the Navy. I've never heard like I don't like I think I'd be bad at the Navy really for different reasons. Really bad at the Navy. I, you know, I just had this. I had this thing with drugs, you know, from the, you know, I grew up in, from a little bitty town, but I grew up in Houston. So we had plenty of, you know, just, you know, Haydn Asbury was going on in LA, but Alan's Landing was going on in, or Haydn Asbury in Frisco. Right. And then Alan's Landing in Houston was going on, and which was a huge hippie scene in Houston. And my parents would take you. I mean, it was literally daisies in your hair, big ass people tripping their fucking brains out, just wandering around acting goofy. And my parents used to take us down there to look

at them like they were zoo animals. And I was like, well, it looks like they're having fun. It was like a learning moment, like don't end up like these people or? Yeah. So, you know, I had a just an odd childhood, you know, that for one, you know, I mean, chasing lizards in this little bitty dirt town that's, and then I live in Houston in a, you know, in a time where, you know, America is probably it's one of its most interesting periods politically and socially. And it was pretty goddamn cool. And but I always had a, I always leaned towards drugs, pretty heavy, you know, amounts of drugs. Why we talked to each other. And that doesn't work in the Navy? My handle on the CB was Captain Kenebunal.

Where were you stationed in the Navy? I was stationed at Pearl Harbor. And so we went on a Western Pacific cruise. And then I got, I got busted. They had a drug test on our boat. Now, you know, eight of us out of only 76 people on the boat and they that was got busted for heroin. And they really took it seriously. And you know what the thing is, it was either heroin or huff paint, because I just like getting fucked up. And heroin that we were snorting, and it was like a matchhead of it. We get eight people so fucked up. They couldn't fucking see. And I liked it. I was like, I was like Clapton. I liked it too. I liked it too. And so, but it never was a big junkie. You know, I got busted there and then I got sent to the Naval Drug Rehabilitation

Center in Miramar, California. And there I got discharged from the Navy. And the the, the commander of the base at Miramar, while I was being discharged, called me a hole in our national land of defense. And like me, I'm 19. What were you counting on before? A hole? That's an insult. But And where did you grow up? What city of Houston, you said? So you went from Houston to 19 in Hawaii? It's amazing. You only did a little bit. Like that seems like heaven. Well, we didn't know what we started doing. I started doing acid in in a school and then there's probably 75.

And the first time I did it, I was in a school in San Diego. And this guy was selling this windowpane acid that I had no idea what I had in my hand. And I, they were just buying the barracks down below me. And, but I did have a tendency to like pills and stuff. So I was like, yeah, I'll try it. And I, but I didn't have any friends. I mean, I just got there. And so I took two hits of this four wave. So this is eight hits of this sick ass windowpane acid. And I loved it. I mean, I was fucked up. I did one hit in 78. I was in the eighth grade and I was fucked up run white. Yeah. Yeah. I had this trip. So it was so, part of it was really awkward because I was at this hotel that I rented and I'm laying on this couch, tripping my brains out.

I don't even know what's happening, you know, but I'll know it's pleasant for the most part. And I don't have to do anything except enjoy it because I'm in a hotel room and with a couple other people. And, and so I started getting this, this vision of me inflating and I would take my shoes off and I would deflate a little bit. And then I'd get too thin and I'd put my shoes back on and I'd start to inflate a little bit more. So for hours, I just every 15 minutes, I got to take my shoes off or put them back on to keep me from getting too thin or too fat. It was pretty strong acid is what I'm trying to say. At least it made sense at the time. But yeah, it was manageable. It was manageable. It was a manageable. I even got the sugar cubes and the liquid acid old school

style. We did it one time. We did it more than once. We did it. We did it. We did it two nights in a row. That's right. We just did it light though. It wasn't really deep, deep, deep, seeing fucking leprechauns and stuff like this. Now, so you're in Mexico and you're still traveling from time to time, but nobody's got your fucking phone number. Yeah. So finally I go to Miami and I meet this character named Joe Chadwick and I went in there as a feature and I worked the first week and they really liked me. Then the second week that somebody dropped out and they kept me. The first time I was there, I went for three weeks straight. But the three weeks I was there, they talk about two people, you and a white guy from Cleveland that's still in the game.

Something happened. I think he works locally in Cleveland, whatever. Never knew who this was. I go back there again, new years. I do all these gigs and they're talking to me about this character named Ron White. And finally I go back to LA and one day my phone starts ringing. Do I know how to get ahold of Ron White? And I'm laughing my ass off. I'm like giggling and I never think anything of it. I never see this character Ron White and I go to the fucking Laugh Factory in Houston, which at the time had to be one of the best clubs in the country. The place where I always had the best time in my life was that city. And I go there and I think it's John Westling and me and we go out to smoke a joint and there you are, Kathleen's Headlining. You're featuring and you're outside

holding court, man. Just talking about, I'm watching you. And then I sat there and watched you before Kathleen. I was just fucking blown the fuck away. That fucking landing in where I OD'd. Where I OD'd? Beaumont International Airport and Tire Survey. I fucking, I almost, I almost fucking passed out. Beaumont was where I almost OD'd fucking, who OD's in Beaumont? Nobody's. Isn't that where Janice Joplin? Janice Joplin, that's where she was from. Yeah, that's where she was from. The museum is the worst museum in the world. And I fell in love with you. After that I was like, wait a second, I gotta do something about my stand up. There were two people that when I watched live influenced my stand up. The first guy was Doug Stanhope in 96 in Seattle. I thought I got hit,

like I considered quitting the next day. I still consider quitting when I watch Stanhope. I consider quitting the next day. Like I gotta either do that or do it. Yeah, he's way better than me. And then I saw you in Houston, 99, 2000 and you just had what I needed. You had the essence of, I don't give a fuck if you laugh. I'm here to have a few drinks, smoke a few joints. If I bump into a lion in the blowjob, that's like the cherry on the Sunday. And I'm like, that's where you have to be in comedy. You can't go up there. I was a Philandrian kid, I admit that. You can't go up there thinking about you got a bomb. Who gives a fuck? Just go up there and be you. And that, I wanted to tell you that. That's why I wanted you to come on the show because that in 2000, when I came back

to LA, I was a complete different comic because I knew it wasn't up to the audience. It was up to fucking me. Right. And I got that from you. I thought I'd tell people that if you look at the comedy nominator of all great comics, which you are, I don't know if you know this, but you go watch Joey shake a crowd. He can take them by the foot. I can just shake them. And it doesn't matter if there's 50 of them or 5,000 of them, that there's nobody better at this than you. And you know, your Rogan's favorite comic and I watched it the other day. He had this crowd rocking it. That's the fun shit. You get them rocking. Just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Just slapping them in the face. And you know, it's really fun to watch. But it's also 20 years

run away. And I want young comics to understand that. Right. I'm 27 and 27. Yeah, I'm not 27. This year, July, I'm like 82 and cocaine years. You ever get to like, yeah, I'm like 87 and cocaine years. But the 20 year mark really makes you decide something. And for me, that's what it was. Now I think July 18 was 28 years. It was 91. So whatever, 91, 2001, 2011, 27 years. So when did the whole fucking tour start? I think around 2000 or maybe it was 99. I've been hoping for Jeff for a few years. And then one day we were on the plane and he starts telling me about this concept because the King's Comedy, which was a center for the entertainer and

feel like an entertainer. The game show host and the guy who died. Bernie Mack and Bernie Mack, yes. Steve Harvey. Yes, which makes me a horrible fucking comedian for not being able to pull those names out. But so they're doing huge numbers. And as a group of four or two were in comics. And so, of course, we like see what the Black Man does well. And we steal that. And so we form our group. And he tells me about it. So it's just going to be a kind of a rural version of that, you know, southern version of that kind of that same marketing, you know, except for the only star is one, Jeff. But he's bigger than all those guys. Jeff, man, we're smaller than all those guys. So, you know, who knows how

it's going to work. And so Jeff tells me about it. And I said, that's retarded. So that's that's what a seer I am. And then that's what you need four comics for. That's against the rules. Nobody does that. So so we did it. And, you know, it was the biggest comedy tour in the history of spoken word by a lot. And then DVD sales into the millions and millions and millions of millions. The first one sold four million copies. And that made me a, I've never been a household name. I'm not one now. Because my fame came from, and I'm not either. I'm telling you, I'm not. I have fans. That's great. But I'm not a household name because my fame, my fame didn't come from television. It comes from stand up comedy. I'm a famous comedian. That's it. I don't, you know,

I don't have the exposure of some of these guys that have, it doesn't matter. I don't care. It doesn't matter. You're a stand up. You're a stand up. You're a fucking stand up. That's it. That's all I wanted to be. I found out I was one and that kept being it. And anyway, I fucking, I forgot what I was talking about. What was that? Just the red, the blue collar. The blue collar. Red collar. Fucking blue. So it was so huge. And then, and then, you know, we put out that Warner Brothers agreed to turn it into a movie. And it was really Kathleen that was telling me, do you have any idea how big a deal that is that Warner Brothers is going to take your image and put it in theaters and DVDs and whatever

the hell. I was like, no, it sounds great. And I don't know. Probably won't happen. But they say the deal's already done. So sure enough, you know, I'm, I'm doing, I'm opening for this, you know, group of comics. So I'm doing 10 minutes sat and, and so I'm a, and that's all I'm doing to open. This one's 10 minutes. And I'm a, at that time, I would consider myself one of the best 10 minute big venue comics in the country because nobody did it more than I did. And I was comfortable doing it. So it, and that opened in the show. And it was, you know, it was all set up so perfectly. And, and then I came back at the end and did a story that I've been telling for years and that always kills. And I'm like, I'm set to, I'm set to pop that fucking

tater. Just set them up. It was like the eight ball. You ready for a star? Absolutely. I know you had that star look on your face. You're like, what is Joey going to offer me a star? But because I'm sitting here going, you know what? This tequila might set the fucking star at that time. Perfect. I have no idea what's going on. You never had a star. No, nothing. You know what I'm saying? No, I got, I got a set to do, dude. Oh, no, this ain't for you. Oh, okay. Thank God. This is for me and Lee. This is just, but I'll let you, you're not doing a set tonight. No, I'll give you one to go. All right. That's for you, my brother. Okay. That's a star of death. In other words, that's a, let's play out that I'm one state. It's 125 milligrams.

That's it. That's all you need. 125 milligrams. That's it. That's all you need. What am I supposed to do with it? You eat it. Put it in my pocket. I can't eat it. I can't. I just say, but I give a piece of paper on the way out. So how pissed do you think it'd be if I fucking didn't go do a set tonight? I just told him you got fucking caught up. You bumped into a bottle of tequila by mistake. Yeah, I'll be there. I'm going to be fucking toasted though. You know, Ron White, it's just, uh, now how old are you when all this was going on? I started when I was 29. And no, the blue collar to a 45 about, uh, when it started. So that, uh, so I'd been doing Santa for about 15 years and, and, uh, and then it's been 15 years since then.

So it would have been 2002, I guess, or 2001. And how many years did you guys, did you guys continue that tour? That was like a four year tour, correct? It was, we did it for, you know, we, we toured for like three years. And then, uh, then we got into the last two movies that we put out where, uh, we weren't touring together. We just acted like we were, we were all out doing our stuff. I started making so much money. It was, it was, uh, it was ridiculous. And, uh, I mean, I really couldn't believe it. I mean, if you can sell out of theater, uh, and you're a comedian and it doesn't cost anything to produce it, you ride it, there's no backup band, there's no 18 wheeler full of shit out there. It's just you up on stage telling

jokes. I really never even considered how much money you can make doing it at that level. And, you know, I, it, it, it changed the whole way that, uh, you know, that I've, you know, perceived life and lived my life. And, and, uh, and I didn't see it coming. And I never sat around thinking it might. I never thought, you know, someday I'm going to be a huge, you know, comedy star and I'll be rich as shit. And I'll have a jet at the airport and, and, uh, you know, I never, ever thought about that kind of stuff. And, uh, and, um, you know, and then it, uh, and then it, and then it happened. So that's, that's called fame and fortune. So now people know who I am. I was way more famous than no two, I think that I am now because all those DVDs were out. And, you know,

people, every day you're not on television, you're less famous than you were the day before. And, uh, which found me. I try. You're still one of the funniest guys working today, man. That's all that matters. That's why you got into this in the first place was to just be funny. Yeah. Yeah, that's all I wanted to do. And I was always true to it and true to my nature. You know, anyway, I think that's what I was trying to say before I turn to this fucking, does that sound braggadocious? I don't mean, I don't mean for it to, I mean to be vulnerable by saying it, you know, that just how much we've made. I would, I'll tell you that I, I would made the one week I made 3,000 bucks and, uh, or 3,500 at a comedy club for, I think I was just

there for the weekend. So that was more money than I was making before. And, uh, but not as much as I was making while we were touring as I was there opening act at the blue collar. I was making more, but that ended. So, uh, then, uh, the DVD went kind of straight to, to movie. I mean, straight or the move DVD went straight to DVD. It didn't stay in the theaters very long. What a successful theater release. And, uh, so I'm back at the Omaha funny bone, you know, making a little more money, but, you know, but it looks like it missed, you know, it looked like it missed. And, uh, but you're still doing T this today though. Me? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. There's no more Omaha funny bone. Oh God. There hadn't been a normal how funny bone in 15 years. I'm

going there in November. I'm excited. I'm not, there's nothing wrong with it. I'm gonna say, you know, I've been, I've been a big, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a good lady. The cat in the hat. Yeah. That's what I call her. She never tell you the story when I went, she woke me up to go to radio like, you think we got time to fuck? This is the woman that owns the club. I'm like, so kind of colleague, right? Colleen. Good lady. Yeah. She's a sweetheart. I love her. So anyway, I don't know what I was talking about. We were just talking about where you were and how fast you moved up in a short period of time, which you fucking can't believe you're waiting for a building to fall on top of your head. Well, I'll tell you the weekend

that, that, that made me realize it and, uh, and, and dollars and cents. Uh, I made $3,500 and that I had a, uh, uh, this little theater, 800 C theater in Atlanta that I wanted to do instead of the comedy club because that guy fucked me out of money. And, uh, and by then I'm selling out these clubs, but my, my, my manager says, no, you need to do club one more time. Really solidify yourself and then go to theaters. I'm like, I think this will work. So I sell out nine of them in, uh, in, in five days and make $90,000. And, uh, and I was like the, the whole night at that time I was like, so what am I, what am I trying to make? When we said, because they're just selling out, boom, boom, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. I have no idea. It literally

brings me to tears, uh, of just realizing that this is going on. Then we put a show on sale in Minneapolis that sells out in two minutes, two minutes after we put it on sale, you couldn't get a ticket for it. And, uh, and at that time for an ever so short amount of time, I was probably the hottest comic in the world. And, uh, and I had just gone, now I'm selling out, I mean, in fact, I mean, like a month later, once we figure out how big it is, now I'm putting, they're putting me in these huge rooms and, uh, making, I mean, bringing, I'm not making, but bringing in, you know, three and four and $500,000 a week. And, uh, and it's, and then now all of a sudden, you know, it's fame and fortune. It's not, there are pitfalls and booby traps and nothing's

real. And, you know, that, uh, and, you know, I found for all of it, you know, I was, you know, I wrote it out. So, I mean, look where you were, look where you were. You had to write it out, run white. What were the options? Go back to Mexico and just make little, I just kept, uh, you know, I kept doing stand up and, and, uh, realized that this, this was, it was such a validation. It made stand up fun. And it is to this day, you know, I think if it wouldn't have, you know, had that successful element to it, I don't know that I would still be, uh, well, probably would probably even more, but, uh, you know, this so in love with stand up to this day that I, you know, when I'm in town, instead of staying in my house, like, you know, I go down

there and be a stand up comedian. And if you want to be a stand up comic, that's all you got to do is go be a stand up comic, but you have to do that. You got to go be one. It's funny. I, when I, I sit there and watch you on stage, I get that vibe from you that you're very fucking happy to be a stand up. You have a great job. Yeah. Who wouldn't, you know, and I do these shows for nothing. I don't even get my $35 or whatever it is. 15 bucks. Yeah. Whatever. I don't collect it. I'm like, I don't have that time. But I, so I, you know, those are the shows that I do way more shows for nothing than I do for money. And, uh, so the, it's, you know, the touring schedule now is still 110 cities a year. And, uh, you know, that's, that's, I still play the, you know,

same rooms that, uh, now Burr sells these rooms out four times a night and, and, uh, Sebastian, they're lying up down at the fucking comedy store. So God damn it, bro. If you, if you're a comic, look at that list. The best thing you can hope for is to follow me because everybody else is so strong. It's just, you know, it's, it's, it's amazing. I followed Allie Wong the other night. I was like, Allie Wong, everybody, if she was only a little more confident. It's, uh, a couple of weeks ago, I said, fuck, two or three months or I can't go down anymore because I can't work out. I can't just go up there with a note and a piece of paper and work out. So I would go high at the ha ha and fucking, uh, flappers, which is great.

But then I started thinking, I'm like, fuck it. I'm just taking my roadshow to the store. That's what got me here. That was, that's what I do. Yeah. I can't follow these motherfuckers. No. That thought of yesterday. I'm there to murder. Is that what we're doing? That's fucking Chris Delia. You ever try to follow that lunatic talking about possums in his backyard and whatnot? Oh yeah. There's a couple of people up there that you got to follow and then you go, I'm just going to do the best I can. Right. Right. That's all you can do. They're so good, man. It's kind of, I don't know that. It's harder than the weekends. I don't even know that comedy's been, uh, in better shapes than it is right this minute, you know, with, you know, even with, uh,

with Rogan, you know, I watch Rogan on stage and, uh, and he does, you know, do old tons of new stuff and, and, you know, I think, I think maybe pound for pound. He's, you know, maybe my favorite comic right now. He is my favorite. Yeah. So, uh, and, and again, a great guy, great guy. He writes, uh, you know, you went out with, uh, in the beginning, man. No, the guy you were talking about, Alex Ramunda. No, Foxworthy. Oh, Foxworthy. Oh, okay. And I'm sure that 30% of the stuff you do on the road today is things you learned on the road with Foxworthy. Oh, you know what? Foxworthy. The first time I ever did stand up, he was at the show. This is how influential Jeff is for me and important he is to me. He comes up to me after the set

and he was the headliner of the club that week just by fucking chance that, I mean, that all these things came together over the years and all the stuff and all. And, and, uh, but, uh, he came up to me after the set and my first set ever and he goes, you're really funny, but you need to put the punchline at the end as a joke. And I was like, what? And, uh, so this is how generous this motherfucker is. He sits down with a comic that's done four fucking minutes of stand-up comedy and teaches me something about structure. You know, just that you can say this part of this sentence here, but if you don't and you move that part of the sentence to here, then the punchline at the end of the joke and you don't step on the laugh. And I was like, oh,

oh, so now I, you know, I've done it for 30 years. So I can't imagine. But so you can't teach somebody funny at all, but you can teach them structure, structure. Absolutely. You know, and, uh, so, you know, he's, he was my mentor, even though I'm older than him, I think. So that's, uh, kind of disheartening when you're, you have a younger mentor, but, uh, Fox word. I had the same situation with Rogan 30, 40% of what I do on the road right now is the roadblocks and the up and downs I learned on the road with Rogan. Yeah. Same thing. I fly out the first flight out. I fly out the first flight in. I don't really do. I mean, there's just so many things and it works. You learn a lot from

the guys that take you on the road. It's like you learn your in and outs. You make it better. You make it better. How to work for you. Yeah. It's, it's, it's such a, you know, there's, there's a million ways to skin a cat and, uh, but, and stand up comedy. Well, people ask for advice. You know, I just tell them that the journey is so personal that you can't tell someone how to do it. You don't even know how you did it. Much less tell somebody else how to do it. It's like when somebody sends you a tape and go and you judge this. You're fucking crazy. Who the fuck am I to tell you what you stand up is?

Right. And for sure you don't want me doing it. Is it kind of weird because I was just thinking about you saying how you went from right, like the clubs to the theaters, your act didn't necessarily change, but the paycheck changes. Like in every other job, like your position or your title changes a little bit and your rate goes up, but this, you could do the same thing on Monday and Tuesday and it could be for 90,000 and for 15 bucks. Yeah. The, uh, I mean, I, you know, just, uh, I genuinely don't mean to sound braggadocious because obviously I don't even say those numbers very often, but that's what happened. You know, that's what happened. And, uh, and, uh,

you know, I, uh, I, uh, but I genuinely didn't, I genuinely didn't see it coming. I never saw it sat around and thought, you know, that this was my ship is going to come. Right. I never thought that. I was like, maybe something needle happened and I'll not go to jail some more. And, you know, maybe I can quit doing drugs every day and, you know, do stand up and, and, uh, you know, for some reason at all fucking shy and, and, and, and the success of it, you know, left me in fucking rehab and, you know, I was spending out of control when you gave me all the money I wanted. I'm fucking living at the peninsula in a suite, you know, fucking $2,500 hookers doing blow like crazy. That's the most blow I ever did was that point in my life. You don't do blow anymore.

Uh, no, no, no. Done, done, done, done. That's just a different, different dark man to bump into. That's a different savage when you're doing stand. But luckily I had a therapist and he was able to talk me out of a, you know, tend to, maybe it wouldn't hurt if you just went to this five star rehab thing for 30 days and they've got really nice sheets and a great chef and I was like, that doesn't sound too bad. So I went down there and they'll, they'll last it for six months, which wasn't bad. It was good six months. And you went to a rehab for six months? No, I went there for one month, but I stayed sober for six months. I call it a, I had a brief bout with sobriety that, that I was able to overcome with the help of my friends and my family.

What was the main, uh, drug of choice when you went to the rehab? Scotch and, uh, you know, just massive amounts of scotch and weed and, you know, but not a lot of, and that's pretty much it. You know, I did other drugs, but I've kind of left all that stuff out, but, but I'm such a raging alcoholic that, you know, it just, every once in a while, you got reeling in a little bit, you know? I love that white label on the rocks when I was snorting, blowing the 80s. That was my first. You said it like a DJ, dude. Listen, there was my first love affair. There was no pussy for me. That fucking do is on the rocks with a couple ice cubes, with a couple of lines of coconut coilude. Your dick showed up. Oh my God, your dick showed

up like a fucking marine. Just a little bit of each other. Oh, that was my love. That was, when I was the craziest, there was a drink in the early 80s that used to make me go crazy. You don't remember it. It was called Harvey's Bristol cream. It had no alcohol in it, but they put Cosby pills in it. Cause every time I drank it with a girl, with the weirdest things happened, they want me to sniff their asshole. It was always something. Do they still make Harvey's Bristol cream? I remember that name, but I don't think I ever. Oh my God, it was terrible. I think it was like, if I accidentally eat this fucking star, I'm gonna be pissed, dude. No, don't be pissed. It's gonna be a good time. No, I gotta do a set. Oh yeah, they still make it.

I think it's a dessert one. I think there might have been alcohol in it. How much alcohol? Let's find out. It's an original cream sherry. Oh my God, I used to get fucked. I would get an eight ball and take this little freak down to Seaside Heights, New Jersey, and we get a two or three bottles of Harvey's Bristol cream. My dick would get hard like Hitler, and I'd eat that ass like it was going out of style. You didn't even know what to do. Harvey's Bristol cream. One night I tied her up. I got violent. I tied her up with the sheets, and the next morning she's like, what got into you? It was Harvey. Oh my God, it has a big one. What is it? 17.5. Is that a big one? You get fucked up on that stuff. Oh, and most sherrys, never mind. Hold on. That's most sherrys

have it. I thought you said it was a genius. No, nobody said that. You just keep me at the store. It doesn't say how many. It says most wines are about 17.5. You know, it's funny Run White when you came in. You said you're happy this whole happened because you had dick saved up for retirement. You know when I said Run, I was working at a subway. Telling the stories about the concert we went to open up at Gannison. That is my biggest fear. No, I mean, you know, I heard Chris Rock say some really pretty poignant shit about stand up comedy. If you can get the Chris Rock talking about this art form and the business of it and stuff, you know, he's a smart, smart guy, but he was talking about his biggest fear is to lose it. You know, all the money that he'd made because

and people have lost bigger fortunes than that. You know, this is not this in dick, what I've done compared to what other people have lost, you know, just in bad business and, you know, people fucking them over or whatever. And you've got. Come with Dan cook, Rob. Get Rob four buys, bro. $10 million after tax money. That's that's 100 million dollars in ticket sales to put 10 in the bank. That's the way it works at that level. And he got and I never, you know, I never really knew him. And but I never thought he was funny. And I mean, I literally, I bought his album, listened to it one time on the way home from the place I bought it from. And I got home when I threw it away. Cause I just don't, I'm not a collector of anything, you know, but so I just

whatever, you know, but it was selling like crazy. And it did. I always had an album that was selling and this one just blew by me like a rocket ship. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? And so I went, I didn't thought maybe I just don't get it. I mean, sometimes I don't get it, you know, but it's a real thing, but I don't get it. It's like me was signing out live as a kid. I didn't get it. I still don't get it at times. People love it, but I don't get it. You want some ice? Uh, no, I got a good drink of it. All right, no, no, no, I'm not going to call that text, text that dude because it's, uh, it's nine o'clock already. I want you to be that tip top McGill with tape 55. So can we get a volunteer to take me out of my car to the, uh, no, you guys

are fucked up. You can't do it. Oh my God, you know, fucked up. You want to get your special Uber driver now? Cause I don't want to leave my car over here. Okay, I'll drive it. No, don't drive it. I have to ill it. We look how much tequila we've got. There's two fingers left in there. There's two fingers of tequila. Lee still hasn't done his second glass. No, he hasn't. He put water in there. He milked it. I've been watching you milk it the way like the stars who put fucking water in tequila, cocksucker. 12 years in a fucking case. I put like half a cup in my knee. I had a lot of fucking alcohol. It's good. It's good. Look at the bottle we filled. I had like nine glasses here. Delicious though. Not delicious. It really, really, really, really,

really great. You know, when I went to pee, I don't know if I didn't have that drunk feeling. I had more of that, uh, whatever type feeling. It's, it's, it's fun to drink. It's like, it's, uh, it gets you a little warm, but it's not like you're going to, I don't know. Like when I was young, I only used to drink a certain kind of tequila because it, I could feel the burn. I was like, oh yeah, it burns. Like that has to be good now. I'm like, oh yeah, you could just drink it over ice. Yeah. If it burns, it's made wrong. Tequila does not have to burn at all. This is the smoothest stuff in the world. What made you invest in all this? Uh, well, I would invest, uh, you know, number one, I'm in petuous and I'm an idiot and, uh, and that's worked out. You know, so I don't

really put a lot of thought into the things I do, you know, uh, I guess and, uh, but, but I knew this tequila was amazing. And, uh, you know, my, and Alex Ramundo, who I started doing stand-up with, uh, he from Mexico and he found it in this little dusty distillery and he brought me down there. And, uh, it's genuinely made in the, in the, in the shittiest fucking distillery ever anywhere in the world. It's a genuine shit hole. It's like nearly. But that's what makes it this good. What makes it good is the Revescus family been doing this for 140 years and they make this craft tequila that's a small batch thing. And, and, uh, we talked, it took Alex four years once we decided that we wanted to try to let brand to the U S it's never been here and

took him four years to convince him to let us do it. And, uh, so, you know, it's a, you know, this is just a, it's a, it'll, it'll kill me. I guarantee you because I can't leave it alone. I just got it. It needs it like a goalie or something in front of it after you've been drinking it for a while. Cause if you don't drink it on the rocks, how else can you drink? You like margaritas with it? I mean, fuck, not this extra in Yale. Now the, the other two, I mean, there's a reposado and there's a Blanco and the Blanco, the reposado is so good. I wouldn't put, you know, I rarely put even ice on this. Just, uh, I usually just drink it out of the bottle. I don't use a glass. It tastes delicious.

Yeah. So it's called number one tequila. You can go to taters tequila.com and we'll send it to you straight to your house and, and, and give it a try. So the other guy the other day sent me a text and said, I don't think you should use the stage to sell your tequila. That's like, why don't you go find a nice quiet place to fuck yourself? So like it was a shade tree online. Yeah. Yeah. That's where they all come out from. They all come out from online and social and then run white. What's it feel like to 50 years from now, people going to talk about it is one of the fucking top comics of all time with the top storytellers. I don't think they will. I know they will cause they say it now.

I don't think that you have a really loyal following. I bumped into this couple in Baltimore. That was, was it Baltimore? Yeah, it was John Rallo. It was the sweetest couple in the world and they came to one night and they go, we come to all the shows and they said recently they had gone to senior and that was like the fourth fucking time they said that senior. I said, people come back and I love them for it. I try to move on with the stand up to make it interesting and they're the reason I keep doing it. The feeling you get from just walking on stage and people that just want to bestow fucking love on you with applause and I keep my chop so I'm still good at what I do so I'm still going to beat the fuck out of you. I'm coming,

I'm coming there to take a swing at your face and so and that I will do but it's just amazing because I don't know when to retire. They'll let me know and maybe they keep listening and as long as they keep listening I'll keep doing it. If you thought when I got in for this, when I was 28 years old that I'd be doing comedy at 54, you're fucking nuts. I thought I was going to do it for 10 years then go to prison. If you're trying to tell me right now, you know I'm ideally and run what I feel like when I'm driving down Laurel Canyon to go to the store at nine o'clock at night on a Thursday night, come and fucking go. I don't even put the radio on run.

I just sit there and absorb it and I think about how fucking lucky I am that at 54 I go down to the store and do a spot at 1045. It baffles me. I thought by now I'd be dead. I'd be just a full-time drug dealer in and out of fucking jail in New York City. I could have never thought of this. Do you think I would ever think I have a four and a half year old and fucking 54? Yeah, that's pretty rich, my friend. Jesus Christ. And guess what? When I walk in the door tonight, show me waiting for my wife to be fucking out snoring. I'll be in my office ready to go in the garage. So the four and a half year old running loose. Oh my gosh. I hear the door slam and I go, is that my wife? Did you? And she'll come up to me like, daddy, what are you doing?

What the fuck do you think I'm doing? I'm about to roll a fucking number. What are you doing? It's 10 after 11. Like, Ron, all this shit to me I couldn't even imagine. So I can't imagine what you're going through the last couple years because I know you were a recluse type of guy like me. We just woke up for the day. If we don't, we gave a fuck about that. I like these people. What are you going to be thinking in 10 years? I'm not thinking nothing. I'm thinking about this fucking burrito. I couldn't come up with what they asked me where I was at next week. I couldn't come up with any idea because it doesn't matter. I'm going to take, you know, I've got a great staff and they take care of all that stuff. You really are taking a walk. You do the right. You

do it right, man. Yeah, you know, the plane is an extravagance, but it just, I'm going to be dead anyway. So why not spend it? You know, the plane makes my life easier and I don't think any other comic. I mean, I know some of them, Lisa, but I don't know. Nobody's ever bought one before, but it made sense to me and it looked like two different jobs. One of them paid a little more than the other when you get a jet. And I was like, I'm going to take the job with the jet. Was that the coolest thing you've purchased? That has to be the coolest thing to have your own jet. Oh yeah, it is. And even then, you know, anybody can argue it's not the smartest thing you can possibly do. But I'm like, Oh, you, you sit on this fucking plane, you do 145 cities a year

within and without America's number one, you can't do it because logistically, you can't get it out in the city. So you literally, that plane made me money because I was willing to do the sets and I was, could sell the tickets and then, uh, so I went down and looked at it one day and I'm like, I'll take it. How many weekends do you got a month? Honestly, three or four? I still do 100. I did 111 cities last year. Counting Vegas is one city and I did that 11 weekends. So I work hard, you know, I still go out three. Usually, I mean, I'm really kind of settling off to two nights a week now because it's just, it's so much easier to do Friday, Saturday, get the fuck out. That's why I'm going back home. Yeah. I think that's where I'm going to. So it's, uh, it's, uh, but, you know,

but I'm still doing 12, you know, 10 to 12 sets a week in LA for free. So if you don't want to pay me or Joey, you don't have to come out to LA and, uh, and go to the comic store. And, uh, I mean, that's the show last night. There were, I don't even, like six or seven comics make over $50,000 a night in one show for $15 or whatever the fuck it is. You, Delia, Rogan, there was, that, that, that, that's ridiculous to store. Yeah. Well, now he makes that kind of money too. And, uh, and, uh, Jesal Nick, I think, and, uh, that's right. Uh, was in the other room. Uh, who else, you know, Tony, uh, that's close. Uh, it's a big time, you know, I don't know if he's, but anyway, there were,

it's, it's, it's just an amazing place to go stand up. So you stand up every once in a while. Hey, I, this is something I also learned from Chris Rock. Don't take anybody with you when you go down to the club to do a set. Don't take your wife. Don't take your, uh, your wife's friends, your friends that aren't comics. Don't take anybody. Don't take your manager. Don't take my little brother here, but most of them hang out with his wife. Yeah. For the most part. I have friends that are exceptions if they're in town, you know, whatever. But, uh, yeah, I, but if you don't go down there without them, if you don't go down, then you're not a part of that community because that part of that community is,

is, is much under themselves and, and, uh, and you really aren't yourself, uh, you know, when you take somebody with you, especially a spouse or somebody, and that's something I heard Rock say on the radio. I'm like, you're right. And I was lucky enough that my girl, the time I heard him say it on the radio and I'm like, you can't argue with that. Right. You ain't coming to no more of these fucking shows. I don't take my spouse with, I don't, I love my wife. I love that baby. I'm in San Francisco next week and we spoke about it and how to throw hot water on it. I throw cold water on it. I was like, I can't do it. My Saturdays, I need that Saturday to write and be in peace. I can't go to the San Francisco

fucking zoo. It just doesn't work for me. I like to focus. I don't even like selling t-shirts or nothing. I focus on stand up and the people who listen to the podcast, I want them to come up to me and shake my hand. I don't need the 20 bucks that much in the fucking t-shirt. You want a t-shirt going online. I just can't do it. I want to focus on the fuck. You were so lazy that you won't bring a box of t-shirt for those adoring fans. Fuck them. Fuck them. Let them go online. My wife will send it to you with a note. I'll send you a cup, but I don't want to, you know why? I don't have to put my fucking glasses on and start looking through shirts and making change after the show. We're fucking old, dude.

I just want to focus on going up there and if they, whatever they pay for the ticket, I want to give them their money's worth. You know, for years I heard these comics when I was doing nothing as a feature act. I heard comics coming back and going, Hey, have you been to Tulsa yet? Oh my God, I sold 1200 in CDs and the comic was god awful. Right? And even though I was snorting coke like a savage, I never sold nothing after the show. Even though I was a coke fiend, I'd rather borrow 20 from the bartender than sell a t-shirt. Then sell a t-shirt after the show. I'll fucking crazy. I didn't do it that much, but I had, when I got fucked into this deal and part of it was I got a

bunch of cassettes of my show and so I sold them for five bucks a piece. The first night I sold 200 of them and I had this big pile of money, but now they want money for those to replace them with and I couldn't, I got to sell them for 10 bucks and I'm like, so they kind of died off. So I don't regularly, I don't like to do extracurricular shit, but you know, I do, I do meet and greets that people pay to cup C and that's a fun thing and they enjoy it. I love doing meet and greets. I love talking to people after the show that listen to the podcast especially, you know, as people come up, there's some people who are just fucking crazy, but there's some people who come up and tell you how much they appreciate what you do for free and you

haven't scammed them, you know, with patriarch and all this shit, you're just yourself, you know, and it's a great feeling for me. I'm very fortunate. I did time, my mother died when I was young, you know, I went out there and put guns to people's head, but here I am in the fucking studio city La La Land, baby. Yeah, baby boy. Run white. I'm more than happy that you came on tonight. I use you as an inspiration. Sometimes I'm like, fuck, I'm 54, I should quit. Then I go down to the store and there you are with a two Gs fucking suit on with your hair looking sexy as a motherfucker with a drink in your hand and a fucking cigar letting people know what time it is following how he won. And I go, what the fuck? What kind of fagotry is going into my mind? You understand

me? I'm following Ron White. I'm doing no effort at all. What nobody beats that room up like he does. Don't let him fucking get humble on you now right before he dies. I'm going to do some shout outs and read this and we'll get you the fuck out of here. We'll get right home. You got somebody and see if they can pick you up and let's get your home right. First off, this podcast is fucking on the seventh. So let's pray and believe the punchline Thursday through Saturday, five shows, half the shows are sold out. The rest is up to you. And then on the 19th, working out with Uncle Joey at the ice house, 15 bucks on a Saturday night. What the fuck you at Ron White? You were in New Jersey at Montclair. No, no, no, no. Morris town. Yeah,

he's in, uh, and then he's also at, uh, what's the name of the theater in Morris town? Give me one second. Let me pull it up. Oh, they take it's available. He's my fucking family in Jersey. I want you to do me a favor and the way you supported me at the Bogota go see my fucking savage Uncle Ron White. What's the name of the theater in Morris town now? Okay. One second. Sorry. Your wife, we killed your website, your websites. Well, it's all give me two seconds, Joey. What's the website anywhere? Ronwhite.com Tater salad.com Tater salad.com. Go there for all fucking dates. All right. So Friday, Friday, Friday, there's two shows at the Mayo Performing Art Center in Morris town, New Jersey. Oh, shit. Next to the fucking the next day you wake up

and you go to the Morris town funny cars, whatever the fuck it is. And this is I grew, I used to go there as a kid. He's at the on Saturday at the Hampton Beach casino ballroom. There you go. Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. Can I tell you a little story about the Hampton Beach casino ballroom? It's a I'm doing a set there and it's like a it's like a 1700 feet saloon. And but it's cool. It's fun too. I like doing it. And right off the stage is this lady. She's having a blast. She's laughing so hard. She came breathing and I want my tour bus afterwards and and I see some people are waiting out there for autographs. So I come out there and she comes at me with her mouth open her tongue out and she goes, do you like blowjobs? And I was like,

not anymore. I did. I did. It's on the beach in New Hampshire. And then we opened up on the Sunday on the summers, right? Summers, I think I probably I was I was too young. I never got to go see a show there. I would we park right there and you'd be on the beach. That was that was the first place I took edible some there every year and a half. It's a blast. It's a it's a you know, it's it's it's something different that's been around. So you look at it, you can't imagine it didn't burn down fucking 30 years ago. Is there a real casino inside? I don't know. There's not. I don't know where they they tack that on there pretty loosely because I don't see a casino. There's no Indians in that mother for a really, really aggressive woman that wants to know.

Did I do the shout out yet? No, yeah. No. All right. Crystal Jordan, my girl, Jeremy Slay got Jonathan Bowers, Daniel Kyle, Daniel Lowe, Gareth Keenan, Ian Quindry, Alan G, you bad motherfucker, Scott Carson, Austin 930, Tassidy and my girl, my guy, my main brother from Lawrence County, Elliot Smith. For starters, I want to talk about who puts fucking the church of what's happening now together. And it's a company called Deep Recruiter as our sponsor for tonight. Are you hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? No, you don't. Let me tell you something. You know how hard it is to find good people to work for you? No, you don't. Every day you get calls from crazy people.

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has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results. Immediate means time. Time means money. So right now my listeners can post jobs on Zip Recruiter for ready for this, free, gratis. That's right. Who gots nothing? Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash church. One more time. It's going to cost you nothing. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. I want to thank Ron. Man, Ron White again. Oh my God, this is an honor for us. I thank you again. And any time you want to come on, you have an open fucking door. You're vodka. Number one is tequila. I'm sorry. This is how fucked up I am. How the fuck am I going to get to the comedy store, dude? We'll

figure it out. Don't worry about nothing. We'll make a call. Okay. Listen, don't forget next week, this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, the San Francisco punchline. Then the following Saturday, I'm at the ice house working out with Uncle Joey trying to come up with new material. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. I'll call it. I'll see you guys next whatever the fuck it is. I'm drunk to the girls guy. I don't even know what the fuck you're going to get. What time it is. You knew you were doing this to me. No, I didn't. It's not. You did. You did. I got you out of here. I told you, I got to go. I got to show it to you. You do. You get me trashed. 915. I got you out of here. You got me trashed, dude. That's part of the deal coming on the church. What's happening now?

I love you guys. Have a great week. See you Wednesday. I love you with all my heart, Ron White. You made my fucking month. Lisa, I at my favorite junior world. I love you and tell these motherfuckers to three wise men with Jewish and they showed up on an envelope. Don't show up without an envelope. That's my fucking message to you, cock suckers. Have a great day. Stay black. Hit it, Lee. You