Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #506 - Ms. Pat

Episode Date: August 9, 2017

Ms. Pat, Comedian seen on Comedy Central and also has a new book, "Rabbit" coming out on August 22, 2017, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 08/07/2017.
  

if i'm walking down the street and i pop my head up and i see a woman breastfeeding i give her the respect she deserves i pop my head up and i keep walking straight because i don't want to feel creepy and i don't want her to feel creepy it's natural i mean that's what a titty is for to be sucked i mean it's really there for you know the baby so i don't see why people complain about you breastfeeding i see it all the time that people get pissed off but now if i see a grown man sucking a titty in public i kind of got a problem with that but on the other hand there's a lot of motherfuckers unless unless unless he unless he got an issue where he can't eat whole food then i'm okay with him that's the next thing

like service dogs that's the next thing service dog you help people have service dogs one day somebody's gonna say you know what because my mom fed me and i depend on that i need to suck titties and shit it's a day to survive well there's people who do like a baby thing have you seen that like there's people who like pretending they're babies i saw this video a girl who's like 20s in a diaper she has a big crib in her room her boyfriend pretends he like changes her diaper that's that's that's crazy i've seen i've seen kids like there's two old to be sucking titties like you've seen the video with a little boy about seven years old sucking a mom titty with the little brother i sucked a pacifier till i was six i was on my way to being a little dick sucker

my mother stopped that you understand me when you suck a pacifier at six your future is bleak you follow i'm saying to you this show the church of what's happening now is brought to you by lending tree are you looking to buy a house you know i'm saying you put your little application in the bank they work you over did you know it depending on where you get your mortgage you could save 20 000 or more but 80 percent of people only get one mortgage offer and if you just go to your bank chances are you'll get ripped off screwed lending tree doesn't want that to happen are you sure you want the best deal find out what you could save today at lendingtree.com slash church again that's lendingtree.com slash church number one blue apron is the number one

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kick it league it's a church of what's happening now oh shit oh shit we're gonna take mrs pat back to old school when she was walking this shit with hot pants on saying what 82 my girl oh yeah i probably didn't have a lot of time shit a couple years other than i was somebody mama shit that's that disco music someone don't hold your time someone to treat you right oh

friends a friend of mine here we go oh yeah anytime thanks to you call me you need someone to talk to you baby call me satisfaction guarantee call me you need someone to talk to me call me you call me oh shit shake that ass cock suckers it's the church of what's happening now monday august 7th or wednesday august 9th today the devil was married at sea hit it hit it that's my birthday mule kick it up kick it league oh

I've been watching you boy, and I've done what you want, and I've done what you need. For your girlfriends, a friend of mine. Give my number and a dime, call me anytime. I think you need someone to talk to me. I don't need you to try to say something better. That's a fucking jam, dawg. Church of what's happening now, coming at you. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

Miss Pat is in the house. What's up? The fucking flying Jew is in the house. Hello? Miss Pat's youngest, beautiful as daughter is in the house. She's the oldest. That's my Medicaid baby. Okay, she's beautiful. What does that mean?

She was born on Medicaid. Okay. Your Texas is paying for her to get out of me. Thanks to you paying your Texas, they were able to pull out with a nice fee. Now, when you had the baby, they put you in a nice hospital, too? When you go to people, I would go to the community hospital or something. Medicaid. Well, that sounds like the baby's coming out of you.

And you walk into like Beverly Hills Hospital with a bunch of white people. They'll still deliver your baby. Back in them days, they'd be like, oh, you belong down the street. It was 86. They probably would have. But, you know, I couldn't get to Beverly Hills. Actually, when I went in labor with her, you know, I had her at 14. And when they pulled up, when I called her ambulance, I lived in the hood in Bon City.

And my sister went and called 911 and she lied and said the baby was coming out. But the ambulance was up the street picking up another dude who just got stabbed. So they ran down to my house with this nigga in the back of the car. And they come to get me and the baby ain't coming out. So my mom was like, you're going to take your anyway. So I'm in that ambulance with another dude that been stabbed in the shoulder. Oh, my God. It's like an Uber pool.

That's terrible and you're 14. I was like, mom, are you going with me? She said, you can handle that shit. I ain't got time for that. I come pick you up. So it was me. I'm pregnant with her and some random drunk dude in the back of the ambulance there who's been stabbed. Miss Pat, what are you, 40, 39?

I'm 45. And she's 31. What the fuck are you going to do when you're 50? You're going to wake up that day and go, Jesus Christ. That's what I did. The dad woke up and I turned 50. I was like, Jesus Christ. I was in an ambulance giving birth.

No, no, I don't feel low either. That's not the point. The point is that one at one time in your life, you know, I've done it. I've done it a thousand times. I've been in those situations. You know, you started going to meetings. You sat across some pretty high powered people in the middle of motherfucking meeting while you're telling your stories, you know, and they're offering you salsa water or bagel. I play and say, I don't eat that shit.

And you're looking at them thinking, these motherfuckers have no idea what I've really seen. Yeah. You ever get that feeling sometime? You ever walk into a room when everybody's fucking really nice and they all have watches on and purses and shit. And you're like 20 years ago, me and my dogs were shot, these motherfuckers taking everything, including that turkey on the table. Yeah, I do. It's fucking crazy. You know, I'm reading this book that Barbara Lingers gave me, The Three Lives of Jimmy Page.

And it's like I had three fucking lives, four lives. And so did you. Yeah. Rabbit. I'm sorry. Yeah, rabbit. And Patricia then Miss Pat. Yeah, pretty much.

You have a bunch of we have. And then you look back like one day you're doing something and it makes you reflect, it makes you think of that life. And you have like an anxiety attack. You know what really gets me when I look back sometime, like to me, my kids, I have a 19 and a 17 year old at the house. And I just think they're so ungrateful, like how they waste shit and they waste the food and shit. And, you know, they, oh mama, let me, let me get your debit card. I could have never asked my mom for a fucking whole book of food stamps. She just stabbed my motherfucking ass.

And like, we grew up, we grew up eating like the chicken back in chicken ass. I don't know if you ever ate chicken ass, but it's like, it's like the pole niggum nuggets, little ass to hang out the back of the chicken. There's a little inch of it. Yeah, the little inch of it. I mean it by mistake, but. No, where I come from, that was, that was pole people chicken nuggets. So we grew up eating chicken ass where my kids is just, they just so fucking wasteful. And that shit, it pisses me off.

It pisses me off so bad because I was like, you motherfuckers are wasteful. When I grew up eating, I grew up thinking the only part of the chicken was a chicken back in a chicken ass. Cause the wing and leg went to other people, grown people. We got the fucking back. You know, ain't no fucking meat on the back. You suck them bones and by the time you eat that little meat hanging off that ass. And then when you grow up and realize you ate a lot of chicken ass, you get pissed the fuck off. I was like as many food stamps we got, why the fuck were we eating chicken ass?

Chicken ass is good until you know it's chicken ass. Then you're like, I ate chicken ass for years. That's the craziest part for me that's hardest to comprehend when you say you had a kid at 14. Like, alright, yeah. How do you think about providing any food or anything for a kid when you're at 14? I was excited to be making 100 bucks a week at a grocery store or something like that. I think when you have a kid and you're in a situation like, well with me, when I had that kid at that young, my survivor moves you kicked in.

You know, like, it's like... I said, you just adjust. You have to adjust. I guess you have to, yeah. Even if you're a young 14-year-old boy who gets kicked out on the street by your parents, it's your survivor skill kicked in. If not, you're gonna fucking die. So not only did I have meat to feed, I had a fucking child to feed, which was hard.

I mean, a can of milk back in those days was $4. Fucking, that shit is really hot now. I couldn't even afford $4, so I would go to the local convenience store. I mean, the little store on the corner is still fucking milk. Because I was, you know, I was too young to get a job. So they was like, you know, when I had my second child at 15, they was like, well, where's your work permit? So I would take them on interviews.

He was here, motherfucker. Me, Ashley, and Nikea, that's my fucking work permit. Give them to your job. But I wasn't old enough. So, you know, that's how the drug thing came along. You did drugs for a while? Hell no. I sold drugs.

No, I never did drugs. I never smoked, drank or anything. But your survival move kicked in. So that's how I was able to take care of the kids. Plus, I didn't want them to be fucked up like I was. I'm just thinking about like at 14, I think that's eighth grade, ninth grade? Eight. Well, you know, back then it wasn't on middle school, so you went straight from elementary

to high school. So I was in elementary school with a boyfriend with a car. And, you know, I'm not thinking, I'm naive. I'm thinking this is the coolest shit in the world. I'm like, y'all was playing with these boys on bikes. My boyfriend got a car. My boyfriend got a car. You right about to play around.

Hey! Hey! Y'all was like, y'all some lame bitches. Your boyfriend got a huffy. My boyfriend got a Chevy with no floorboard in the motherfucking a boom box on the back seat. You know, I thought that was the life. Well, we got a, because back then black people had just calmed down from toting the boom box. So there was no long and told them they was putting them on the back seat of their car

so they can have, if you couldn't afford the boom, you put the fucking straight to the boom box on your back seat. So my boyfriend had a car. Y'all boyfriend had a fucking huffy. I thought it was cool. When I was in the eighth or seventh grade, there was a kid in my class that knocked up a chick. And he was gonna fucking live with it in the seventh grade.

Juan Soto was his name. He was 13 going on 35. Did she keep it? You know what? He never came back to school. Well, he couldn't. He probably had to go fucking stuff along. Yeah, he had a little job.

No, he got a job. Yeah. I never, ever, ever heard from him or saw him again. But I always thought about him like, what? He was in love with this girl. They were like childhood and they would walk home together. I think she, he was in, he was in the seventh grade. She was in the eighth grade, but he was like 13.

He had gotten left back as it was English when he came from Cuba. So, but to fucking commit to a home at 13, like that's it. Man, it was fucking hard. It's such a fuck. You know, you said something. You go, it's like, listen, when my mother died at 15, I hadn't made choices. I could have lived with family in California, Miami, but I was already two years in this motherfucking high school.

My shit was just starting to get together. So I moved in with a family, man, and they provided electricity for me and a bed and food, but I had to do my own thing. And I thought my mom left low security and there was no potential insurance and none of that shit. And I had to get a job and I learned and I went without. I got into drugs, you know, I made my own bed, you know, but it was very, I think about it now how I still remember being 17 and on a bookie 800 bucks.

It's Tuesday and you got to give it to him on Thursday. I look back a lot too and wonder how the fuck did I survive me too? You know, especially being shot and being through all the bullshit that I was never shot. I was just hunted. They never got me. They were hunting for me. They just never got me.

I mean, you and it is a girl. You really don't expect girls to go through girls to go through all that bullshit. You know, I was in a very beast relationship. I'm here. I am 15 with two kids and this man like 23 years old married with a wife at home with a second baby. And I will just had a second baby and I'm on I'm on. I'm on his fourth baby because I'm having my son by him.

So, you know, it was fucking rough. It was something I look back some time and it scared the shit out of me. Honestly. Your heart beats. Yeah. Like writing this book brought up so much shit that I locked out. It sucks dick. Don't it?

Right. It sucks dick. I think sucking dick is a little bit better. Oh my God. Fucking. I tell you what happened. I had three chapters, two chapters ready to go. I had one more for the fucking thing you got to give them.

And the website went out of business. And I didn't save it. I didn't back it up on cloud. So I waited until I just hired a dude. I went and got a fucking pro Mac and I went to work and every day I do a thousand words. You writing one now? A thousand words. I got to have this done by the end of August.

At least three chapters for the motherfucking proposal, man. This is taking me three fucking years. But it's basically because the chapter he wants me to write is is hell is hell. It's from 79 to 85. Those are my hell years. I got a thousand good stories and I got a thousand bad stories. Yeah. But I thought I never had a thought.

Think about it again. That's those feelings. Yes. Those feelings. You know what? Because I had a lady by the name of Janine Amber wrote it with me. What she did out of writing, I told the story. I, you know, I like being honest.

I have to give a credit. She did a fucking remarkable job. We're helping me write this, you know, helping me write this book. But it just, it brought up so much shit that I didn't talk about. It brought up so much feeling that I had buried it. I mean, it was so many, it was so many times we had to stop the interview and we would cry together. Like when I got into the stories of with the kids father and, you know, the biggest issue that I realized is like, wow, I'm 15 pregnant with two kids.

I mean, got two kids by a married man and society don't give a fuck. They literally allowed this grown ass man to come to the hospital and sign my kids' birth certificate. Who's eight years older than me? Nobody ever questioned it. Nobody. And you know what? What gets me now?

I'm 45 and I say to myself, fuck, if I was a white girl, would that shit have happened? I truly believe that motherfucker was still being jailed. It was a different time. It was a different time. It was a different place. This country has changed in 30 years so much. Well, you can say that it has changed a lot, even for the black community. But I still think that, I mean, I'm one of those lost calls.

You don't hear a lot about what black women go through in, you know, in the ghetto, like with teen pregnancy and stuff like that. They don't give a fuck about people like me. People like me were supposed to, you know, we never rise to the top. I think that's how they kind of see it. So, I think that's why people are so shocked. They're like, you had two fucking kids and 15 and you didn't use drugs and you did this and you did that.

I mean, I'm like, come on, even the hospital in the black community should have done something when I had that first kid by that man. Let me ask you something. What do you think happened after you had the first child? If the child was three months old, you had thought about what's happened. Your frame of mind is a little different. If you would pick up the phone and dial 911. Let me ask you, what do you think would have happened?

What year was this? 1986. What do you think would have happened? Well, I mean, I'm 14, so I supposed to have a parent that was supposed to be taking care of me for once. And it was a casework involved that wanted my mom to do something, but she didn't do shit. Now, times have changed a lot now where the states would step in and say, nah, bitch, this ain't going down.

Something ain't right. Something ain't right. He's fucking 15. You're 20 and you're 18. Yeah. Is that the grandpa? Yeah. Exactly.

So I'm 14 and got a baby by a 21-year-old man. That is fucking ridiculous. Can I ask you, because there's obviously racism in the world. But is it a racism thing or do you think it's a money issue? I think it's a society issue. I don't think it's racism. I just think it's, you know, like, it's like, it's like you can meet a white person that don't know what the fuck go on on the other side of the track with other people other than

people that look like them. And they don't want to know. And they don't want to know. But I'm going to tell you something just to put, and I'm not protecting the white man, but I got to state my case here if I'm going to speak up. Yeah. I'm 1883 and I'm totally the story. I was a 20-year-old kid and I got a job in a warehouse.

That's the best I could do. Ten an hour, you stock pipe, electrical thing, and we had to load three trucks. And there was a dude that was maybe, at the time, 38 to 40. It was my, it was 16. And she was riding the truck when she was a scared little retired white girl. And, you know, I worked with him for a couple months and one day I had to go on a delivery when I'm going to ask them, how is this? And he goes, I don't, the parents gave it to me.

They signed the rover and we have a child together. This motherfucker was 40. She was barely 16 or 15, man. And everybody on this job site knew the situation. But they also knew that this dude just did like 12 years in prison. He just got out like four years early for like murder or something. And the guy had a heart of gold. That was his only flaw.

It's not like he had a heart dick to beat Joey. I don't know about a heart of gold. I mean, when you talk to him, you could see the fucking that he wasn't all there. You could see that he probably got hit in the head with a kid with a rock or he played football. Yeah, he had a more hate to him as somebody gave him to. But nobody investigated to see if somebody really gave him that 16 year old girl. Never. He worked there for years.

Even after I quit, I was still friends with the people there because I did drugs with them, bought drugs with them, and we would always talk about him. And he was solid. He was on time. He did his delivery. Nobody asked questions. Most child molesters are solid in no time until you get you. Listen, in 1970, something led Zeppelin, Jimmy Page, traveled with a 14 year old girl across the country.

It was a runaway and fucked her for years. Till today, they're saying that they should have charged him with statutory rape. There's a thousand situations in this country. You know, thousands. It's fucking crazy. And some people go to jail and some people fuck. Well, it's a lot better now because if you try this shit today. Yeah, I mean, look at our Kelly.

He got he tried. They bought it like his ass off 18 year old. What did he do? What is going? He got a coat somewhere. Speaking of our Kelly, the cops are coming. Look at our Kelly. Our Kelly's sparing somewhere.

Our Kelly done picked up. Okay, let's do the whole biography of our Kelly here. Because I want to be part of the black community tonight. I just sent my 23 and over package. I'm waiting for the results. You want to know if you need to be mad at our Kelly. And they tell you what you're going to die from. They do the DNA thing and they can be cardiovascular or diabetes.

Why do you want to know that? Because what the fuck? I really want to know the origin of who the fuck I am. Because some dude about two years ago fuck with my head. He said he did a trace and I'm related to a Sicilian lieutenant in Sicily in 19 fucking 10. And I looked at the picture and I do look like I could be his nephew. But I look at my father.

I look like him. I look like my mother. I look at, when I was a kid, I saw a picture of my mother's family. But in those days, their family is really what you call to the again, you know, in Cuban. Which means they have part Indian blood in them. When Columbus went to Cuba, he killed a bunch of Indians. But some of them lived in fucking white Cubans. And the white Cubans fuck some black slaves.

Isn't it wonderful when you mix? It really is. So Cuba's just one big mix. Black people too? Everybody's one big mix. You know what I mean, dawg? I'm as honest as I can when the first time I saw a picture of my sister. I didn't remember my sister when I left Cuba.

But when I was like six, my mother came home running. I got school pictures from Cuba. Your sister. Take a look at it. I saw that dark skin. I was like, hmm. I got questions, but I ain't going to ask them. I never said nothing.

You know what? I have a brother who we know this by ratio, but we supposed to have the same daddy. And my brother is fucking blacker than he hit sets. My daddy was blacker than he hit sets, but my brother is fucking by ratio is hell. I mean, you can tell he's fucking everybody. When I show you his baby picture, everybody think he's a white little girl. Really? Yes.

But nobody ever say, you know, good damn well, that's when you're fucking daddy. Is there a stigma and like among black people with skin color? Well, light skin brothers. Remember Pierre? That was his claim to fame. Who's light skin brother? You don't like being a light skin brother and shit. Well, light skin brother was really popular.

I think dark skin is right now. Everybody liked the dark skin. Ikrub, Abbas. What's his name? Abbas. Idris Abba? Yeah, they like him like Idris Abba. Well, that's like a 10 pointer.

Well, you fucked up his name. I thought you tried to say opera singer. I got to tell you this story, Miss Package. You ain't unbelievable. What? So I'm six. I see the picture of my sister. She's a little dark skinned.

My godmother's dark. Who was my santeria godmother. And she pretty much, I lived at the house. You know, she would cut a chicken and cook it up. You know, and Orlando Serpina was a famous baseball player. So I was like, man, some of these Cubans are black, you know? All right, fuck it. I'll live with it.

We get to Miami one time. And again, my mother comes to the hotel. She goes, look at the picture of our family. Look at our cousins. And she opened up that fucking portrait. And that was, it looked like an NBA basketball team with one little white trainer in the corner. And I told her, I said, listen, I don't know what fucking voodoo you're trying to play on me. That ain't my fucking family.

So your, your mom was late? I was, I was, I must have been eight. We were in Miami. We were at my godmother's house. It was like seven in the morning. She was all the time. Was Cubans out? Cubans got dark skinned?

But at that time, I didn't know for sure. I'm looking at, I'm looking at a picture of my sister. She's dark skinned. I'm looking at my mother. I'm looking at my dad. Am I adopted? You know what I'm saying? Like something ain't right here that my sister's fucking black.

And I didn't want to, and I knew how kids, they come out of the pussy. I knew all that shit, but I didn't have the balls to ask. So I lived with that little stigma for two years that, okay, I got a black sister. That just the way life is. Not one time it crossed your mind. Maybe your mama pussy was on borrow that day. I have no fucking idea. So now she shows me this fucking the seventies.

They would send you these pictures and like a portrait style and you'd open them up when I look at your cousins. And I saw all them black people. I looked, I said, listen, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. These are not my cousins. Miss Pat, she threw a beat on me. Like left, right, left, right, left, right. She threw a black, she threw a black big knife. Rip the shirt off me.

Yeah. Like go in the fucking room and don't come out. That's your family. When you accept it, come out of the room. What do you think? You're fucking white, you little piece of shit. She just went off. You got black fucking skin.

Look at your father. Look at your fucking sister. Stupid. And after that beating, fuck it. I'm black. Welcome to the other side. Welcome to the other side. Was you at a soul food restaurant and got kicked shut up today?

No. You know what, man? I don't need soul food out here. I gave up. I haven't gotten any good soul food in California. You're not going to get down in Atlanta. And it's very overpriced. Everything out here is damn overpriced.

I'm overpriced. Let me tell you something. There's a little joint that they've converted four or five times. Lee used to always go to a joint called Skinny Kitchen. When Lee used to go there first, he started going to Skinny Kitchen. There was a black joint next to it. Do you not remember, Lee? You took me there.

I'm pretty sure. You remember? With the hash. We had three pieces of chicken. Listen, Miss Pat, three pieces of chicken and two side orders. $36. $36. Listen to me and Lee look to each other.

Listen, I don't give a fuck. I know you're trying to make a living. But when you leave there, you go, the chicken was fantastic. But you think about it. There was a seat. You go, $36. Wait a minute. Two plates was $36.

Me and Lee, $36, and they were two-piece chicken dinners. Like, with two pieces of chicken and macaroni and cheese or a little piece of fucking corn. So that place closed down. Of course. Then across the street on the same side, 50 yards up, there used to be a hot dog stand. They got lines of black people standing out there in North Hollywood.

Right, motherfucker? You said my pink? No, no, no, no. Right now, if you go to North Hollywood, three blocks from here, that main street, there's a movie theater, Lemley. Right next to the Lemley, there's a little fucking place that has 15 tables. It's a diner. It was closed forever.

It's a diner. It's closed forever. And they got tremendous fucking fried chicken in there. But, Miss Pat. They open? They open right now until 10. But, Miss Pat, I gotta tell you something. My wife brought it home.

My wife's from the South. We ate it. We had a good time. And at the end, my wife goes, How much do you think that cost me? Maybe $28. Boom. $50 bucks.

Because we're both Lee's fried chicken, motherfucker. Does that go to Nashville? I get in that car. I had East. And there's a Lee's fried chicken. It's blacker than black in there. I go in there and get 22 pieces of chicken for $2. You know what I'm saying?

$50 fucking dollars for half a chicken over there. Well, how much do you think they're paying in rent at that place? Oh, they're paying tremendous rent over there. But, look at Roscoe's went down the fucking toilet. They closed? Oh, it was terrible. No, Roscoe's in Hollywood is done. I hear that Roscoe's on whatever still has a little bit of dignity left.

There's a server at the one in Hollywood who listens. And he's very nice. But, the food was terrible. The food's terrible. I've heard that from various people. I've never liked Roscoe. The first time I went there, I ain't gonna lie, nobody. I was the first time I tasted a piece of chicken and maple syrup.

My dick got hard. But I know it ain't good for you. You can't eat chicken with maple syrup on every goddamn day. Nothing good is gonna come from eating chicken with maple syrup every fucking day. I didn't bring no chicken with maple syrup. The issue with it now is, like, it's faster than McDonald's. They have it ready. Yeah, it's not good.

Yeah, you know, I've tried it, but I never liked it when I first came out here. Now, next time I go to Atlanta, do I go to Gladys? No, Gladys closed. Her son fucked her over. Really? I think so. Last time I went there said it was a line. That's why I didn't go down there.

Yeah, go to... Get somebody to take you to Riverdale, Georgia. That's right outside Atlanta by the airport. And it's a place over there called Annie Lorre's. And that shit is good. Let me tell you the best-sold food is, if you go to a place and they ain't got no roaches, the food ain't no good. Roaches are only hanging around where the food is good.

So you're supposed to see roaches immediately when you walk in? No, but I haven't seen any Annie Lorre's either, but the food's so good you just know some roaches in there somewhere. This is my take on it. You ready? Yeah. When I see a black-style restaurant with white decor, I tend to stay away from it. The best food I've ever had. Raggedy?

Raggedy? No. This motherfucker was frying pork chops on the street with white bread and hot sauce. He must have weighed four and a quarter. He had a guinea-tea shit on him. He was sweating his armpits on those pork chops. That do be some good-ass food. Oh, my God, I was 390 and I must have ate eight of those pork chops on white bread with hot sauce.

Oh, my God. They were the best pork chops I ever had in my life. I don't eat pork chops anymore, but that's some good shit. I don't eat pork chops either, but those Puerto Rican-style, black-style pork chops. That's the best food on the side of the street. No, no. That's it. Once you see a black-style restaurant trying to act like fucking Wolfgang Puck, I don't go in there.

That's a waste of your time. You're going to get a small serving. I ain't going places where you get fucking small servings of food and you want all my money. I'm like, what are the rest of my fucking food at? Houston got good spots, too. Miss Pat, you got so angry when we went for tacos after the podcast last time. Because you're used to East Coast tacos. And I think we went and they give you the little disc.

Oh, my God. And it's like a fucking appetizer. Well, when you took, what did you take? A cactus. And what's she? I think she got like... Nothing. That little shit, I don't remember tasting it.

We'll go tonight. Yeah, it was like super fucking... Those tacos are good. Those carne asada tacos. I don't eat pork. I don't eat pork, especially if somebody else cooks it. Okay. I want to witness it.

I'm Cuban. Okay. Those carne asada tacos with that rice. I'm gonna end up eating. But you got to get it with the avocado and the cheese. You got to work on that keto diet. You know what I'm saying? That keto diet.

The avocado, that's a good fat. Okay. They said it here. They said a lot of shit is a good fat until you gain weight. Right. No, I understand. You don't listen. You're just gonna...

Anyway, let's get back to Miss Pat and having a fucking kid in the fucking ambulance. That's what people want to hear. Not what the fuck is going on in Ross Coast. Nobody gives a fuck. You go to Yelp. That's Lee's favorite. My new podcast. It's great to see you first of all.

You look beautiful. I've heard, you know, about your success over the year. Thank you. I read your tweets. Fucking with motherfuckers. I'm always going at people. I mean, thank you all so much. I mean, the podcast family.

A lot of this shit wouldn't happen without you guys. You know, back in the day, a lot of comments got the breaks from Johnny Carson. I got to say, these podcasts has truly been my fucking Johnny Carson. What do you think you're dealing with? Joey Bananas? I wouldn't have had dick if it wasn't for the podcast. You know why we came out here and told him the truth? I don't give a fuck what I tell him no more.

You can't give a fuck. I'm gonna die in fucking ten years. They're gonna know the whole fucking story. You sound like my brother a lot. Yeah, because it's true. They're gonna know the whole fucking story. Excuse me. I just lost...

You know, I'm a big football fan, so I went to the Falcons game. I went so great for you first. Oh, fuck you. Most. Jesus Christ. Yeah, he got that Boston fucking shirt. Jesus Christ. I got Super Bowl tickets from Lee Daniels.

You know, who does Empire? Because he's the one behind the TV show they're developing for me. Oh, man. I tell you, it was the worst night of my life. Not only did my Falcons lose, we was winning the first two quarters. Three quarters. Was it three? Most, yeah.

Yeah, most of the night we was winning and it was so fucked up because when we started to lose, I went in the bathroom and hid and my husband text me and he said my sister just had a massive heart attack. Watching the game and I'm like, fuck your sister. Oh, my God. I'm about to have a heart attack. The Falcons is losing the Super Bowl. Then I get a text back that she died and it was so fucked up because she died and she

died the night of the Falcons lose the Super Bowl. So I'm crying, but I don't know who the fuck I'm crying for. And I told my husband, I tell people, I say, you might think it's a bad that I lost my sister-in-law that night, but you got to look at it like this. At least she died in the third quarter. I mean, the fourth quarter, she think the Falcons won the Super Bowl. She didn't stay alive to the whole shit. I'm the bitch that left that with a heart broken.

I almost had a heart attack. What she died? She was cheering for the Falcons. Tom Brady gave her a heart attack. Fuck yeah, Tom Brady gave everybody a heart attack. The fucking Tom Brady killed her. So now I hate Ronald Reagan and I hate fucking Tom Brady. Ronald Reagan killed my dog and Tom Brady killed my sister-in-law.

Damn. So she was cheering and she had a massive heart attack and died. You really like football, though, right? I fucking love football. I thought you were a Raven fan for something. You ain't thought I was no motherfucking Raven fan. I'm all the way in line. I thought you were a Ray Lewis fan.

Ray Lewis, you don't lost your goddamn mind. Come on. I thought you were running with a mislinger and shit with Ray Lewis. You know what? Ray Lewis, the black community is not liking his ass right now. What do they do now? He just, the whole Colin Kaepernick thing. You know, he's saying, I don't know what he's saying, but he's all against Colin Kaepernick

because he decided to protest, you know, for what he thought was right. And this is America. You should be able to protest when you feel a certain way about a situation. It's not illegal to protest. Well, that motherfucking got a job now. Who? Kaepernick. Who?

Kaepernick, whatever his name is. Kaepernick. Kaepernick. No, he ain't got no fucking job. He don't have a job. There's the NFL. We live in a corporate fucking world. Before you go into any profession, I suggest you read that dude I did the longest yard

with, that dude had tears coming out of my eyes. What's that white boy that fucking did the longest yard? That was a lineback at Oklahoma that left early and then fucking the Warner Brothers gave him 21 mil, three movies. He did the first one. The Seattle guy? They kept him over. Yeah.

Then Seattle knew he had bad shoulders, but they got a million-dollar insurance on him from Lloyd's to London, and they signed him, and they put him up in Seattle. And then the NFL hated him. They fucking hated him. So he would tuck his shirt out. They would find him his game check, and he kept doing it. I mean, the stories of the NFL, they don't fuck around. So Kaepernick, I understand.

Kaepernick. Whatever your fucking name is, this is America, and I stand when you believe for, but there's different ways of doing it in different situations. I mean, you know, I look at it like this. I look at it like this. And I ain't mad at Kaepernick. I get it. What the fuck is Kaepernick?

Whatever the fuck his name is, you know that I understand where he's coming from, but you also understand now that with the world you're going to... Well, when do you bring attention to the police killing black people? When is a good time to bring attention to that? Because it seemed like, you know, you don't have to worry about it if it's not in your community. And, you know... I drive 35.

I'm Cuban. I'm white. And I drive an LA worried, especially at night. Yeah, but I mean, you're supposed to be America. You should be able to... You should be able to... This was great about this country. This is what's great about this country.

You should be able to protest and, you know, for what you believe in. There's never a right time. You know what I'm saying? It ain't like he went out there like Ray Lewis and killed somebody. The man ain't never committed a crime. All he did was a silent protest. And he did it two weeks before they even noticed it. I mean, you know, they want to say you disrespected the national anthem.

But being black in America, I have black kids. You know, it's America. This country is great. I love this country. But then again, you have to think about how they treat young black men in this country. It's scary being a black mama today. It is fucking scary. And I say this all the time.

I'd rather fight breast counseling than be a black parent of a young black man in this country. This is something that I worry about. It's like a lot of you don't know if your child is next. So when do we speak? You know what, miss Pat? The last fucking five years, some wild shit's been going on. I mean, it's crazy.

And thank God, you know, sometimes you go, I hate cameras. But now motherfuckers are catching. But they don't even care. They don't even care. The cameras don't even get the camera. I mean, I don't even talk about all the other people that have been shot. One thing that really fucked me up, Joey, is just Google it. They shot a 12-year-old boy in a park in Cleveland, Ohio for playing with a toy gun.

He just out there playing like any other 12-year-old was. If that don't say fuck black people, nothing else will ever will. That's what scares me. I've been living in wild times. And listen, and tell me I'm lying. I got a four and a half year old. And if you don't think at one point in the night when I got up to pee, I worry about our future.

You fucking can't. We all worried about it. I mean, we don't know where we're heading at. I mean, all of us together. Where we just fucked. Did you see, like, twice in the past couple months in Baltimore? They, their own cameras have caught them planning drugs on people. I'm like, come on, police.

When I saw drugs, I wanted to scare the police. They was fucking nice people. And you cannot clump them all together because I have friends that police officer. You cannot clump them all together because there are some good police officers. That's some good cops. It's some bad apples in every fucking job. It's some bad fire fighters, some bad teachers for bad police officer. I mean, but it scares me when I get pulled over.

I'm scared than a motherfucker. It scares me. It is what scares me that they hire these. Don't they fucking do evaluations on these police? Well, some reason they nut bags. You've been to print. You've been locked up. Yeah.

Yeah. You've been county or locked up state. I've been state. Okay. When you go to state, you're in county for two, three weeks. They talk to you. Okay. Then they transfer you to a fucking evaluation joint.

Correct? Yeah. They draw blood. They take you out. They're looking at your fucking monkey. They're looking at your dick. They're looking at your asshole to make sure you don't have a set of dice in that motherfucker. A set of dice.

Right? Dan, Dan. I don't think I could fit no dice in my asshole. Dan, Dan, they do give you an aptitude test. Remember that day? Mm-hmm. Well, they asked you with two plus two is four. Where's Africa?

What? What the fuck? What president got shot in the movie theater? You know? They asked you all. I dropped out of school. I'm gonna ask another fucking question. Right.

And then they get deeper in your shit. Yeah. So, five days, and I forget what it's called now because we're talking about it. Okay. So, they do, they do this one test on you where they talk to you. We don't, you don't remember. I remember not vividly. Yeah, you older than me.

They just locked my ass up. They talk to you. A psych evaluation talks to you. Then you take a test and then you start putting holes in shit and then you go back and talk to that motherfucker. And then you go to where your classification goes. You end up going to where you're going. But that paperwork goes to the feds and that paperwork is typed in into a database, okay?

With your DNA, with your fingerprints, with your tendencies, with what they think you'll do, what, what options you have. I mean, you know, but it's a computer doing the percentages of your, what's the word? Residivism? Resivit it. Whatever the fucking word is, okay? They break it down. Mm-hmm.

And that report goes to your prison counselor. How accurate do you think they are? It changed my life when I heard what it said on that piece of paper, which you're not supposed to find out. Your attorney's supposed to file a motion and if the state doesn't want to give it to you, I found out because I kept busting the counselors out and he kept telling me, you don't want to know what's on that paper. What did they say?

You was crazy? They said that at that time I'm 25, I'm 26 and from the age of 16, I hadn't stopped robbing. Some people I knew, drug dealers, and you know, when you're not on drugs, all that shit, you start thinking about it, right? When you're clean? Yeah. That's when you start going, oh shit, I owe Ms. Pat a thousand dollars.

Fuck! I'm not gonna shoot this bitch. No, let me go. I got a call and I'm gonna go, Ms. Pat, you know what happened. I know, I know when I gave you the money, you were cracked up, baby, but you know how it is, Ms. Pat. So you remember all this shit you did and what the fuck are we talking about here? So I kept breaking his balls.

You tell me some, uh, the valuation of this and why I pulled it out. So I kept breaking his balls, so I'm feeling bad that I was robbing people and breaking into people's houses and drug dealers and shit. So I asked him, talk, tell me what it says on there and he kept telling me, you don't want to know. You don't want to know what it says on there. What the fuck did he say? And one day he broke down and he goes, all right, motherfucker, I'll tell you what it

says. He goes on there that if I had something you wanted, I can't trust you. If you really wanted it, you'd take it from me. And I was cracked, Ms. Pat, I was cracked. I went back to that room crying and I'm like, I'm just a fucking thief. And I avoided him and one day he came to me, he goes, why you been avoiding me? You didn't want to hear what you heard, did you? He goes, but you didn't hear what I was saying.

He goes, I didn't tell you you were a thief. I was telling you that if you want to do something, you can do it. Go do your thing. You got, you know what I'm saying? Like he encouraged me. I took it as I was a thief. So he fucking cracked him, Ms. Pat. But all that paperwork goes to the feds and they tapped that in at that time, maybe my

shit slipped. It was 88, the computer system wasn't on tap. But now you go into a database and as soon as a crime similar to that happens, your name pops up. Yeah. You know, they have systems now that's amazing. Once they got that fingerprint on you, they got you in there for narcotics or felony. They got your hair.

They got everything. I don't know. I don't know. That's a good question. How do these bad police officers get police officer jobs? Well, okay. In 1979, 78, the Cuban population was growing so much in Miami that the fucking city council had a meeting real quick, real quick dog and said, look, we ain't going to get federal

funding unless we start hiring some more motherfucking Cubans. So they went after these kids and they never did background checks on their Jewry records and they hired 20 cops and this became fucking huge. This was the 80s when cocaine was blossoming. They knew information on your dog. They would pull you over, open up your trunk, take your coke, shoot your head and put you in the trunk and leave you on the side of the road. At the end of the week, these guys had a warehouse full of coke and money and they would play

cards with a kilo on the table, with a knife and a kilo and they would just snort the hours. These guys were lieutenants on an anti-drug unit. So they had all the info and all four of them. If you put River Cops up on the thing, not like a video, there's got to be an article about the Miami River Cops when they came out. They went to prison like in the 80s and they came out in late 90s and I was doing coconut growth then and people were putting posters up of these cops trying to get a petition not to let them move back into their communities.

God damn. That's how fucking crazy these cops were. They even did a movie about these motherfuckers. So this shit starts like this. This is how it starts. It starts like this and every corrupt cop is somebody who has three kids, a girlfriend. Three kids and a girlfriend. And guess what?

And guess what, Ms. Bat, tell me the truth, Ms. Bat, you were street motherfuck, okay? You were street motherfuck, okay? You ever watch the show Miami Vice? No, the first and the real one, yeah. Not all the three makeshift, yeah. I knew Lee and Miami Vice, this is how it went down. I knew Lee and you knew Ms. Bat, okay? Gotcha.

Okay? I walk into this office right now with you. You're in for 10%. Ms. Bat sells me two kilos of coke. In front of Ms. Bat, I take a violet with a chemical, I take a little bit of coke and I shake it. To make sure it's real. To make sure it's real and if it comes up purple, I give Ms. Bat the money and we shake

hands. Let me tell you something. It only happens in the movie. If Ms. Bat is Ms. Bat, Ms. Bat's gonna want that motherfucker to open up that kilo and do three lines of coke or maybe do a fourth and drink half that bottle of tequila. She wants to know what this motherfucker's about before she moves in on giving them two fucking kilos, okay? That only happens in fairytale land.

So these cops become addicted to drugs. Yeah. A lot of people don't know that shit, Lee. So let's say I'm going after Lisa Yat. And Lisa Yat's a fucking big time coke dealer. I get in with Lisa Yat. If Lisa Yat goes to a club and what do I tell Lisa Yat? I don't do blow.

You're not gonna trust me, Lisa Yat. Yeah. So I gotta snore coke. So after you get arrested, they put me in a rehab. I clean up, they withdraw the trial, the witnesses for 45 days, they get all the drugs out of my system. They shaved me, they changed my hair color, they put a suit on me and they make me go in there with a police uniform on.

How's that one for you? Holy shit. And there you have it, my friend. Now, Ms. Pat, know all your days on this street, you ever saw crack through a motherfucker that you didn't see with a pipe in his mouth? No. No, okay. You can always tell the police.

I mean, when you saw enough drugs, when you saw enough drugs, you can pretend. Because the police, no matter how much they try to blend in somewhere, they don't. They don't blend in. I remember seeing one, one time in a, he had a, he was undercover and he had a baby seated in the back seat and he had another guy in the car with him and his partner jumped out and come down and by the drugs, but he pulled down too quick. So I said, either the motherfuckers gay with his baby seated in the back, they're the police and they was the fucking police.

And you know how it's a drug dealer, you could ask them, you the police, they're supposed to say yes or no. And he's like, you the police and then I remember one of the little young guys like, we'll shoot your ass. And he left real quick. And I was like, this motherfucker come back with a whole unit of bitches. I grabbed my kids and went home. Everybody got busted.

It's helped me. Yeah. There was a time there where I had a dude that was working me that ratted and he was working me, man. And I caught on after the second time. What is working me? You know, okay, so I know Ms. Pat five years from the street, Ms. Pat, what up? I gotta go.

You know, I give Ms. Pat. He was undercover. No. He gets busted. I'm a coke dude. Also when I get busted and they say to me, listen, what we want is Ms. Pat, Ms. Pat selling major coke. I try to put them off.

I like Ms. Pat. Man. I love Ms. Pat. Come on. Go to Ms. Pat and tell Ms. Pat that you want to buy two ounces, two ounces. Is what they could get you on and give you time and conviction. Yeah. Okay.

So now, you know, I'm Joey Diaz, Ms. Pat, he's been coming over the house for years buying a gram and he's always five dollars short. Now this motherfucker wants two ounces of cash with fresh $50 bills. Nigga please. Thank you for saying that's how they get you sometimes. When the cracker is sure with a lot of money, like, what the fuck you get his money from? You ain't never bought over the $50 worth of dough. You know what I'm saying?

That's how they used to come at me. So for months you've been buying an eight ball and asking me for $20 off because we're friends. And all of a sudden you show up here wanting two ounces, then the second time, no, the first time you showed up on like a half ounce and he was shaking and then the second time he goes, I want my two ounces, but do me a favor and I'll give you the cash. Let's go outside. So they were up 50 yards with the fucking things.

But not as a shit, yeah. And I just went outside and I said, no, I don't want to talk about his too cold. And right there, right in the middle, let me call you later. As soon as he the fucking left, I took all those fucking scales, all those aluminum foils, I got them all the way out of there, I had a job as a security guard at a hotel and they gave me. You a security guard? At two hotels, dog in 1984 and you a drug dealer?

I was, I was a fucking, I was, well, at least you paid taxes. Listen to me. What fucking drug dealer? I was doing everything, robbing, slinging. It was crazy. I was a security. Joe, you make me sound like a fucking nun. Oh my God.

I was 21 fucking years old, man. And I was just watching people check into the hotel room waiting to rob them. I'd wait till they go to the hotel room and I'd be right there when they registered. Do you want to use the same? Nah, we got travelers checked. Bam. When they go skiing, you got 10 hours to go in that room. You go in that room and cook a meal and come back and then we'll never fucking know it,

man. It's fucking crazy. They were probably really excited when they saw you. They're like, oh, this place is good security. He's, I can tell he's like really looking over us. And the security guys were one robber. There was like eight guys on security, so they never fucking knew. You know, that's why I don't leave my shit in the hotel.

Me neither. I don't leave personal shit. I take my computer with me and I always put, I don't want no maid in the fucking room either. No, I don't want to. I mean, I made a lot. They always throw away my fucking eyelashes. That's the biggest problem I have with housekeeping.

I think the Mexican housekeeping, they don't wear eyelashes, so I don't know what the fuck they think they are, but they're reusable. And when I take them off, they throw the bitches away. That is the most fucked up shit you ever saw. Let me tell you my problem. I made more hotels give me $5 for eyelashes than any. I was like, look, the bitch threw away my eyelashes. I want my motherfucking eyelashes back.

Oh my God. Listen to me, dog. I got a fucking ear problem. When I was a kid, I put a bean in my right ear. Now they tell my mother, so they had to go in my ear and they found the bean. So my ear's all fucked up. It is proud. Kinda.

Kinda. Well, that's better than having roaches in your ear. There was a bean made of wood from a game called, please don't spill the beans. Oh, it wasn't even a real fucking bean? No, but my mother kept putting hot oil in that motherfucker and it's proud. And they took it out of my ear. But anyway, today, when I fly, when I take shot, I gotta be careful of water goes in my ear and stays, because if I fly the next day, then I go deaf.

So I gotta go to a doctor, they blow it out and put powder in there, and it gets like a fungi in there if I leave the water in there. I gotta put earplugs in my, every time I take a shower, do you know I put the two earplugs in the shower and the fucking maid would throw the earplugs out every fucking time? I went through two boxes of earplugs in like eight weeks in the hotel, dog. I know, they do this stupid shit, they don't imp the trash can, but they'll throw your fucking eyelashes away. No, I stopped letting them in, I couldn't do it.

I don't let them in no more, either. I was like, you bitches throw my shit away. I don't want nobody in the fucking room. No, and I don't type a person like I get, I throw my shit in the floor. So I don't want you looking at my dirty underwear. I don't, I mean, I fuck up a hotel room. Now I straightened it up at the end, but I will fuck up a hotel room. I throw everything on the floor, everything at the suitcase for however many days I'm

there when I'm finally leaving, then I straighten it up. I throw the suitcase on the couch. I take the three outfits for the three nights, I lay them out nice. See a woman on the bed. Socks right underneath, right? And I take the little security bag, I put the suitcase on the side, I put away my sleep apnea machine. You gotta sleep, I just gave us, well, sleep apnea machine.

Fuck yeah, I gotta sleep apnea machine. That motherfucker flies right next to me. Man, I couldn't do that shit. I tried that bullshit. I mean, it's, it's hard. How bad is it? Man, you know what? I felt it's not sexy at all.

I mean, you still look healthy. You still look healthy. What numbers are you? What do you mean? What kind of numbers did you have? Did you do the sleep study? Yeah, I did the sleep study. And what they tell you?

I don't know the fuck they gave you. You know what they told you. Tell me the truth. I don't know. They just said I had sleep apnea. They gave me this nice ass machine. Okay. Nice mask?

Nice mask. And I just recently put it on Facebook and gave it to a neighbor. Okay. So what did they tell you, Ms. Mac? They told me I'll stop a lot of time at night when I'm breathing. Well, what are you going to do about it, Ms. Pat? Cause now you got me all worried about it. I'm going to be setting up sleeping like a vampire.

You know what I had to do? I had a fucking apartment that I paid $720 a month for. It was rent control. A one bedroom. Me and my girlfriend now, who's my wife now. Let me tell you something. They built the building in 1922 before the war where they had water for years. I would go in there, I would take a pillow, Ms. Pat, wrap it up in garbage bag, I put

it behind me and I put the shower on real hot. I would sleep for six hours in that fucking shower. The paint would peel off the walls and shit. So what are you? What? So you sleep with a mask now? Now I sleep with a mask. Cause you snore a lot.

At that time I was 400 pounds. You have lost some weight. I was doing cocaine. I was smoking cigarettes. My diet was a lot. You stopped out at? Yeah. Except smoking reefer.

Nothing wrong with weed. I think it's the best shit ever. Salute. Thanks for that. I think it's the best shit ever. So my numbers have gone down. I fell asleep today. Well I saw my knees.

I was icing my knees. The baby was watching something on the computer and I had something on. I think I fell asleep for 15 minutes. How much weight you lost? I have no sense of beginning since I was 418. Now I'm walking around between 298 and 303. Oh that's great. Yeah.

So that helped a lot. But I'm still no fucking Olympian. I still got to stop. Let me ask you this. Did it make your sex life better? Damn. You took a long deep breath when I said that one. My sex life got fucked up because of the cocaine use.

Because for a long time I was having sex with cocaine freaks. Okay. From, let's be honest here, from 85 to 91 I was involved with a woman. And we got married and had a daughter and then we got divorced. And after that I became a comedian in 91. So from 93 to 2000 when I met my wife, it was, you know, and even before that, before I met Kathy, it was 1983, 84, where I would just meet you. I knew Ms. Pat, me and you were having some cocktails, you know, and all of a sudden I

give you a little bump of coke. We're talking, let's go back to your house and listen to Shaft, you know what I'm saying? We go back to your house. And next, you know, it's two days later and we're still eating each other out, you know what I'm saying? What the fuck? Yeah. That type of shit.

Like, you know, two days later, you have to change that character's name. I ain't eating nothing for two days. I'm just saying to you that. You didn't see that coming with Ms. Pat? No, I didn't see that coming. That drunk shit makes people go crazy. I know. I got to need some, I tell you, I'm going through that with, I have four kids now, four

babies at my house and just ran off and left them. So I don't know what she had to eat, but she been going almost a year and a half, almost two years. She called? No. She, you know what's fucked up? She started a new Facebook page and I asked her to be my friend and she blocked me. That's fucked up.

I always, when I was a kid, there were cartoons and every cartoon had like a kid running away from home and he had a broomstick and around the broomstick was a bag tied like a sleeping like a punching bag. Lee, right? You know, your handkerchief. A hobo. A hobo bag. A hobo bag.

Yeah. You'd see kids walking down the street. And when I was like 12 or 13, I thought about it. I want to run away and move to French like Indiana where Larry Bird was from. Oh yeah. And I'm like, I know those days you had to map it out and shit. And I looked at the maps and I'm like, I'll hitchhike. At that time, I had a couple hundred in the bank.

You know, but in your mind, it's like a fantasy when you're a kid that one day you're going to run away and people are going to look for you and shit like that. And you're like, I ain't got the balls to run away. I got laundry. I got meatloaf twice a month. That's fucked up when a child just runs away. Yeah. And they end up on the other side of the coast on Hollywood Boulevard, not even prostitute,

not even doing nothing bad. They meet another bunch of six kids that are homeless and they live in like an old house that's ready to get knocked down behind, you know, we used to live down the corner here. There was a house on the corner that people sold it because they wanted to build buildings there like a apartment complex. After a month they had people, what do you call those people? Squatters. Squatters and they had 12 months.

What is squatters? I think it's when you just go in and live there when you don't have like a claim to it. I have a friend who lived in a different state and when he went there, he didn't have enough money for rent. He met someone and they said, if you have a thousand dollars, I can get your place to live. They met and when he got there, she told him when the people come back, like it was just a house that no one had been to in a while, she had like a fake deed and she had keys

and they said if they ever sell it or something, it was like previously foreclosed, if they ever sell it or something, you'll need to get out and he was there for months. He paid her a thousand dollars. It's fucked up Ms. Pat. So let's pretend life gets beautiful and you tell your husband and your children, listen, people like the Jackson's will leave in Gary, Indiana. You know what I'm saying? Playing for Indiana.

Isn't it? Aren't the Jackson's from Gary? They're from Gary. They're from Gary. You say, listen, we're in love with this Gary shit. We're moving out there and seeing them. They bought a house, they bought a mansion and you come out here. That house is open.

The one that you just left is open. You tell your mom to drop by there once a week and make sure it's all right or your dad or your uncle or whatever and all of a sudden three weeks later, they'll call you and they'll tell you there's people living in your house and these motherfuckers got rights. Yeah, I was just gonna say that. Ms. Pat, they got more fucking rights and shit. If they're there for a certain amount of time, I don't know if it's, I think it might be in England.

I think in England they have like a lot of rights like they actually get to stay in the house. It's fucked up Ms. Pat. They get to stay in the fucking house? In your house. How do you get them out? You gotta like fucking take them to court and shit. I would drag the shit out of them some bitches.

You put on a Monday podcast with employee Tony Bennett out of respect. Hey, that's the music you listen to when you got a sugar daddy. No, this is the music I listen to. My mom used to play this shit. But she had no sugar daddy. That's the music I listen to when I had a rich sugar daddy. So well loafers in his pants in the water, you can see his ankles. What's that fantasy shit where somebody told you with the hand in the palm of your back

spinning you around like you don't dance another stop and your weave just flowing in the air and you got on clean panties. Sounds nice. Don't that sound sexy? You fucked it up. He said clean panties. I like a little stain in there. I like a little dirt in there or something.

You know what I'm saying? Some gunpowder or something. Gunpowder? What the fuck? You trying to catch a STD? Ain't you? You like your girl panties dirty? Is it a big thing that you think?

You know what? Not super dirty. Just a little dirty. Look, let me ask you. Is it a big thing that women underwears your match? Match what? Who cares? Like the bra in the panties.

For years, I've been wearing holy underwear and I would wear my bra to the fucking strings pop out of it. I've been wearing it. I've been wearing it. I've been wearing it. I've been wearing it. I've been wearing it. I've been wearing it.

I've been wearing it. The whole country is wearing holy underwear and I would wear my bra to the fucking strings pop out of it. I'm not a fan of... Excuse me. I'm not a fan of Victoria's Secret. Oh, I can't fucking fit Victoria's Secret, I don't know about your wife. I'm a fan of...

Fuck, that shit. I'm a fan of a woman who just makes a pair of Underweller good. You understand me? So how do you make a pair of Underweller? Well, so I don't have a flat stomach, so I got to come over my stomach. don't matter you know okay you know not like it almost better than thongs is boy shorts like because I can't fucking do the boy shorts they go in my asshole no no no no no and I'll tell you what in some instances and I believe in the God

in some instances in some instances I believe in the thumb but I also believe there's some motherfuckers that should know where we thought I totally agree okay if you I can't whammed I'm gonna walk in my room with a panties on that I don't give a fuck if they got a hole in them she makes those things look banging if the bra is different that's good because now you can rip it I got an excuse that it match anyway even if it's a $40 bra you can rip the bra you know I'm saying which my bra is cost for now when you take now when you take those underwear off let's pretend you what do you see like if now I don't look

in the old days and the cocaine days I wouldn't look till later what do you know I wanted to play fucking let me sniff the monkey and guess the odor you know what I'm saying yeah I would that's how I throw them off wait a minute like the monkey and guess the order like what would give me a order that you smell piss I was a freak listen to me I'd be a freak Jack listen to me so let's pretend I met you let's pretend did you stop let me tell you what a nasty Cuban freak I was let's pretend we hooked up in time and had a couple cocktails at 11 30 12 you

said to me Joe you want to come back to my place we're all fucked up we know what time this we go back to your place you put on the eyes leave brothers we dance a little bit we make believe you're thinking I'm gonna let this brother out here chill for a little while I'm gonna go inside fresh enough a shower I don't know what time it is I'm gonna wash it good but a freak like me I don't want to I'll never give you that opportunity as soon as you start telling me baby I want that monkey fucking real I wanted to be real what's that song to be real got to be real I want that muffler I want it all then after

whatever that we throw it nasty joy no you're gonna take a chance that's part of love so you ever had something that you had to get off her one time one time one time two weeks after my mother died a girl that I was kind of in love with kind of had a crush on she was a year younger than me very very cute very blue eyes you know we were young sucking teddy finger and I kind of ate her but this all shit happened on the street so my mother dies and she called him one night and she just puts the hat down listen I know you're probably feeling bad what if I came over and threw you a little song like this is 1979 and the

thing was on that night the one with Steve McQueen the one the blob the blob the blog how I do remember I walked all the way over to a house gotta walk all the way back to my house it was fucking freezing we go upstairs we swap spit the lady who took care of me after my mother died she was sleeping in my mother's room I took her into my bedroom we swapped some spit I take a shirt off she had a great breast I took her pants off I'm taking panties off it was 1979 so Kotex like this fucking thick and that motherfucker this pattern just opened up and I almost had a heart attack she put that thing back on I made a walk home

by itself I ain't got time for this shit come over here offer me a piece of ass and also that shit's bloody my mother just died I just found my mother on the floor and you're gonna show up over here with a bloody snatch what the fuck is wrong with Americans you know what I'm saying oh that is one that you had to get up or thank god for that work you believe that's the only time every chance I've taken it's the order I expected the order I wanted because that's the terms of mom when they say to you you know baby I want to freshen up a little but I ran like three miles

that's my lookie in the eye like oh listen that's how I want to eat it oh god Joey I want to eat that much you don't want to eat no track pussy yes she was so shocked they made her pronounce your name like this oh my god especially if it's got hair hair oh my god if it's got a little hair on it and you go to yoga oh good Joe I got you right before you go in that shot oh my god I spread it out oh Joey you fucking take that little garlic smell out of that motherfucker garlic what is it doing with a garlic smell it smells like garlic but once you get deep it smells like ammunition it probably is ammunition the fuck is you

talking about that's why you coffee like that that's that 79 vagina in your throat I was like gun it smells like gunpowder like that it gets in deep deep in there and then you sure you want to eat no robot no that's how I like I like yoga because you sniff it gunpowder and while you're looking at a clip you're sniffing the hair patch it's like like it just smells fucking tremendous right above that little monkey like oh Joey no right above that clip about an inch and a half with that little sweat I hope your wife don't listen to this no my wife don't do I don't do this to my wife this one I'm just saying I don't want to know

what you did in 79 I don't give a fuck she knows she got me tested twice I don't blame you in gym pussy you should be tested twice I got tested twice and then one time before we got married it came up I had syphilis and my wife was like what the fuck my wife was pregnant and it came up that she didn't have syphilis so like what you got the usher dick and then we went back and they retested me and it was something that I was eating a pill gave me a reaction there was no fucking syphilis let me ask you something I never ever ever when I heard this the first time I was working at Fox Sports I had just moved here it

was 1997 and at Fox Sports there were three sisters like yourself Melana the south and they all worked in different divisions of Fox but when they got together the black came out and they would talk the black gossip of the community and they started talking about Murphy being gay you know Will Smith is gay you know I don't believe any of it was freaking although the bro these people had paperwork you know those type of sisters they were in the business they were going to these parties they were in the know when they first when they first told me about Eddie Murphy then there was somebody else they told me

about that I almost shit my fucking pants and then one night I was at the store and Eddie Murphy was there with Paul Mooney a scenario hall and the singer the black singer from the Whitney Houston's husband's band Bobby Brown what's the other singer in that new edition bill bill oh Johnny Gil he was a Johnny Gil and and Richard Price manager was up there drinking with a fucking he used to get fucked up up dad forget what his name is he was I was standing there with a couple other comics he looked at me goes Cuba you want to see me rattle these motherfuckers watch this he walked up to him and he goes

hey so when he motherfuckers gonna do the Queens Academy tour and they just fucking split dog at this time when I had heard all this shit it was it was mind-boggling and then I asked and he riffing and he riffing with Tommy different stories the shit I didn't know about but what the fuck is going on with us I don't want the white version oh my god what the black let's hold on let's first talk about the guy that peas about that that's our killing break down the black side of this report I don't I mean all I know is our Kelly supposed to be keeping some girls in his house and suppose they have a coat but

you know and suppose I'm not let them go I don't know that they all went on YouTube and say they was fine yeah but that's the first thing they have you doing a coat yeah to admit there's no wrong let's hold on let's trace it all the way back I thought he had like a mother fucking married Aliyah yes okay then tapes resurfaced I've never seen the tape have you seen the tape I don't even want to see you married Aliyah I'm pissing on him pissing on the girl the underage girl so he's been in trouble several times born himself yeah he's tons of money he just bought rented I do I mean I kind of think something is

wrong or killer you know it's like and nobody's gonna keep crying crying the same thing about a particular person you know it's like it's almost like when Bill Cosby got in trouble with all those women you know at first as a comic and you know Bill Cosby's a legend he you know five two three we don't go fuck yourself from the 70s kid why would you know his wife yeah yeah like wait a minute what not even at 50 at 10 you's like come on y'all it's just too many people with the same story I think I lost it as five and I was like it's just too many people saying the same shit about this person so you know I'm gonna

retry them are they I mean I want to believe I want to believe it's not true but I mean when so many people come out and say the same thing same thing with R. Kelly everybody's saying the same thing you know you for some reason he like his monkey young and what about us sure oh she's just supposed to be going around giving bitches hot dicks he's supposed to have a syphilis he's supposed to go you know I guess that's why he made that song let it burn and the new girl today came out she was a plus size girl in the internet did her no justice no Jess it's somebody I heard somebody say she sure she slept with the right

usher the usher the usher the singer of the usher from the current stand that what did she think was gonna happen when she went like why don't you just have a suit I'm sure why don't you put on a cup well the first girl got a million dollars so now everybody wants a million but you don't need to do a press conference but my thing is is that evidently he was flared up when he fucked that girl you can't say usher gay you you don't even have a herpes so you wasn't in dangerous if you wasn't flared up and you know I said it earlier you want you know it's like when you lay down with somebody you you you don't

protect yourself then you said well this person didn't tell me they had it well you didn't tell him what the fuck you had I mean if you're gonna do one night stands I truly believe both sides should say what you got yeah so you got to ask the question hey is your dick on regular or is it irregular look at me I'm not a good looking guy when I saw a piece of pussy it came as it came if it had fucking some type of what you ain't Jim pussy that's different no Jim pussy I would meet girls in bar you know you do comedy you're an Indian happen you're in Indianapolis I'm in Bozeman Montana mm-hmm I got the weekend there Friday

and Saturday it's part of a one night a week you start on Tuesday and end up in Bozeman the first show the door girls cute we talk a little bit the second show we talk a little more she sees me I go outside and smoke pop when I come back she goes you should have asked you know now you have an idea what's going on you didn't protect yourself now Saturday night you don't fucking know Saturday night you come back and now she's talking to you about weed and she says yes she loves doing blow and you go so do I can you get some and she goes yeah I have a friend that get your name ball for 200 bucks you tell him be here at 12 after

the second show boom you get it you give her two bumps she comes out she tells you about her boyfriend was in the Navy and she misses him and she loves him so much and when he comes back he's gonna propose to her and shit and you start talking to a little more and actually no she asked you for two more bumps and you talk to her about fucking this or that and she just told you that she had a boyfriend and shit so in the back of your mind you're doing coke but hopefully another she's good looking so maybe another freak will come over and start talking to me but this one here wants to talk to me so eventually it's quarter

to two and now this this girl's like what are you gonna do are you gonna go home and finish that package and I'm like no I'm gonna go home and fucking yeah I'm gonna go home and finish that package and don't ask you do you want company yeah one company next thing you know you stop at a liquor store and get a fucking case of beer a carton of cigarettes and you go to the hotel room you start snorting it to by seven o'clock somebody's gonna be naked you eat each other out you're sixty-nine you eat everybody got a little bit that monkey I'm a savage you're sixty-nine you suck that that's sixty-nine in anything you've got a mighty

this one I was this one I was young this one I was young I was I was very old I was big women up his shit he got stop eating everybody you meet Joey that's dangerous listen I come in a minute so I gotta make a good impression at that time I was coming real quick especially if I just met you I was excited just to take my dick out I blow up as soon as my dick touched your clip he's so nice it was terrible when I was a kid so I was my plan I'm surprised you don't have a lot of so this is my plan was when I was once I got divorced was when I realized I had a problem with ejaculation problems like something was fucking with my

head when I first when I first moved out from Colorado I could put some dick out to you in 85 I'm gonna do this one night and I would get some dick on her and then I met a man a neighbor and all she wanted she was 22 in college and I don't want to have sex but I'll give you blowjobs what the fuck is that so I'm gonna house at night and after like an hour of bad TV she sucked my pipe that was it then I met my future wife and we were both into coke and once we moved to Aspen those were fucking six hour sessions and you know once I come you gotta start sucking again oh god then I would start eating your ass until my

dinner so in those days I knew I would come quick so my plan would be to seduce you lay you down eat your monkey while I was eating your monkey the excitement make me dizzy and shit and I would what yeah because I get anxiety attacks so I'm not a handsome dude so I know if I got a chick laid down looking up and her legs around she's not screaming and she's not screaming there's no mace in the hand I'm excited you know what I'm saying so I'm beating her a little monkey next to you know miss Pat I whacked myself out I come real quick and then I get it like semi hard she's hot and fuck I switch over I put my

stomache in her mouth and I just fingerbanger she blows her little monkey she brings my dick back to life now I go back in there like a superhero because I'm refueled I cracked the nut the anxiety's got you King Kong and then I'm King Kong and it's all over the shout they just tapping on stop stop Jesus Christ let's do some more coke fucking put a coke rock in your pussy let me look that motherfucker oh yeah miss Pat come on dog we were the real deal in the fucking 80s I wasn't doing all that bullshit Joey you got damn I was with one guy he was married but damn you made my story sound okay and then I was

married I was very good I went to prison I was very good I got married and then once I started comedy I always had a certain respect for women thank you for that until I started comedy I saw the other side of women damn I saw what women are capable of doing and how quick thing to do it it's it's women just as vulnerable as men are and men are just as vulnerable as women are you know when you go on those triple runs have you ever heard of triple runs mm-hmm triple runs and when you first start in comedy and let's say you live in Denver after about six months you kind of got ten minutes you do a little

improv what's that called improvised where you from crowd work yeah crowd tribal you send them a sir you send them a check you send them a tape and he puts you with a headline he takes you to Montana Wyoming Idaho Washington State Oregon and you would go for six or seven weeks and you will learn how to become a comedian miss bad you know some places you get and they give you a note don't curse they're moments you got to clean up your act of not they throw rocks it is some shit what do you think happens when you go from these towns to towns you know triple runs are not in Portland Oregon they're 180 miles up in

the mountains that people come down into the city once a month to get groceries so let's pretend you were an extra on friends that night on the radio they said this guy was seen on friends every woman and husband go down to these towns those triple runs were tremendous scam would be like going to like Big Bear or something like that yes it's going to places where there's no entertainment at night so he would pick five of those in a row Monday he would do Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday and then either Saturday Sunday when a hotel and it would sell out they didn't care who you were yeah I've been in

places like they don't care who you are they just go down in the lab at those places I learned more about women that's when I learned the dark side of women that they get you to the hotel and get you into the car wait till you fall asleep what are you talking about what hotel are you talking about well wherever holds Rob the MC goes up the MC goes up he does 15 minutes I go up there I do 35 minutes and 22 I look like Johnny here I get off the stage where's the first place I go I go to the bar get a drink I pick up my fucking eight ball and I lurk by the bathroom how do you manage to find drugs in

every place you go because you talk about on stage oh wow so you'll go you Jesus Christ when I was doing an eight ball with these people people clap those people that clap afterward they'll come up to you and go dog you want to do a blast yeah let me do it can you get more yeah my buddy's got some sonogram a couple it's that fast oh wow hold on wait fucking Wesley Snipes is flying over he's saving the plane and shit like that so August 22nd what happens but look I was 22nd my book drop called rabbit it's a memoir it's own it's online my website miss Pat comedy.com August 25th through

the 26th I'm doing a book signing in Denapol is at Morty's comedy joint so we're gonna do four shows and four book signings so people can come out and do a meeting greet and get their book sign and watch the show how long was the process of the book two years yes a lot of thought and like you said you get the certain chapters that you write it out and then you read it and you go you know what I gotta do something else and you you have to go for a ride yeah I mean the lady who wrote it with me which is her name is Janine Amber oh so much back and forth it was so many tears it was just it was we just you know like

she would write something I was like that's not my voice then she'll go fix it so it was it was interviewing a lot of people you know like from my past and she's from she's a but she's black but she from Canada and she was scared to some people were scared to talk to her because she spoke correct correct English they like who is this white bitch and I'm like she's not why she's black so it was just you know digging up old stuff it was it was a lot it was a lot of work it's a lot of work to write in the book well you know being a being on being an author and you know honestly she sat there and she put this story

together which I thought she did a wonderful job and you know it's getting good reviews it made memoir of the month for Amazon but it was some hard fucking work it was let me tell you I've done I thought I've done hard shit in my life but this book this book isn't it put me to it miss Pat I'm working on four years on this fucking book because the chapters I got a right I gotta go to such a fucking dark place yes that I thought like because there's times I find myself there I'll eat a couple of these fucking stars driving home and that song will come on call me when you and I think of summer 82 when I was 18

years old no parents lived in my friend's basement no car no bank account I lived hand to mouth his mother charged me $15 a week to live there all my responsibilities I took that garbage and I fucking did laundry had to do my own laundry and fold it that was it man everything else that came into my pocket miss Pat I had to do whatever I fucking had to do and you know what you try to work you try to work for a while and you go what the fuck is this I can sell an eight bone make this in fucking ten minutes I gotta be here mopping the floor for eight hours and shit yeah I mean with me it was just that I was so

young so it was so hard to get a job because I was so fucking young but you know I overcame a lot of shit and you know writing this book writing this book tells stories that I never really told like it it tells stories about situation like when I got when I read the book you I literally cried some like chapter 5 I had I never told anybody about chapter 5 when my husband ready he would fucking shit shot so it's you know it just me telling stories that I was never able to tell openly so I just I just open up and say I'm gonna tell you as much as I can remember how do you feel about now I like it I really do I do

it's you know when we first finish it last year and the editor was like no you got to start over I was a little upset but I tell you it was the right decision and it made the book a better book so it actually reads like a movie it's it's a really good book it's amazing when you tell like I want to be a part of the writing in my world I want to write it I want to write it send it to the editor let him fix it put it together my agent Gordon and then we'll put the presentation packets together let him put all the peas and queues I'm just trying the best I can but it's taking me I started writing a blog on

my space every Monday that's how I got myself back into writing a blog about my life in order every Monday about something that happened in high school I went to a party and a fight broke out and I stepped on a piece of fucking glass something's going on something's on fucking fire dog yeah so you know I'm I'm just glad it's finished that's the big finally I feel like I accomplished something you know because you have so many fires going at one time but nothing really cooking so one thing I can say about the book is finally done that's what I'm happy about you know we were I sold it I sold a pilot to Fox last year

along with Lee Daniel and run how a company imagine and you know they're just kind of up in the air we're still working on it and it's finishing this book just puts I was able to complete something so I'm just glad it's completed it's crazy how how many people and I'm not I don't even know the word while I lived here people moved to this town got hooked up with Conan O'Brien yeah you know and they got great director and they got somebody great to write the pilot and take the pilot no that you know it's such a hard collaboration you went into it going I'm going into this motherfucking with Lee Daniels the

motherfucking black dude of the month never got empire I watched Empire for three seasons then it went somewhere else I was done they tried to go to Dynasty the first two seasons I love everybody I love the gay son I love you know you know when we tell you why I found I watched the pilot that motherfucker and there was a dude who used to write on that staff and even less and he goes make sure you watch the pilot the pilot fucked my shit up Jack that's a good fucking job you know when when he rules Wednesday night when he put the little gay kid was about five and hoping it's a living room and a gangster capola and

the two other kids were babies that little kid came in the gay one he walked in the room with a dress on and women's heels like his sister's shoes and what's his name Howard what's it what's tears how I was reading like a paper with gold teeth and shit and he looked up he saw this kid and he fucking slammed down the paper he picked this fucking kid up took him down the stairs opened up a metal garbage can put him in the garbage can head first I remember that scene I was like goddamn right there cuz I remember when I came from Cuba my buddy was black and their family was not fucking gay friendly well black the

black community is just at the black community has came around in the last five to ten years with I think they you know I think the world is beginning to say you know do what makes you happy absolutely and that's what it's all about you know stop living for other people if you you know do what makes you fucking happy that's what I had to learn I mean for years I've tried to make other people love me and other people you know if put other people before me and I learned in the end I gotta fucking love myself when I love myself and respect myself everybody else will begin to care and respect me you know what

I'm an old school like the man said if you want respect you gotta give respect yeah treat me with respect that you want I stay away from people what no no I'm the same way I'm old man yeah I'm getting old miss Pat that little four and a half year old wears me out now I feel you I got four of them at the house and you know that's that's what's lucky I just I just hope people realize you know after reading the book you know be you do what makes you happy cuz that's what I ended up doing no miss Pat what years is this book cover it's just from childhood from grown-up in the bootleg house to prop to my marriage it doesn't

talk about the comedian much miss Pat you know it tells you how I kind of got started but to 93 well yeah when did you start coming I started comedy I'm 15 years in so by night 2000 were you a story time from the beginning no I did not I was slipping for a long time like I did yeah I didn't I didn't know I told stories like I I really didn't think my past was that funny until you know I would constantly tell people and people say you got unique stories won't you put them on stage and then you know it's all about then you got to figure out how to put them on stage so you know when I moved to

in the napple is in 2006 is when I really realized I was a storyteller it took me eight years to tell a story on stage and once the first time you do it it blows yeah fucking mind and it means that like I was in the belly room at that time the belly room meant shit to me do you understand me miss Pat I didn't move to Atlanta do spots in the belly room Lee I was getting room sets in the original room and one night I went to the belly room somebody goes bring I do the show it's sold out please go upstairs just that we have nobody else and I kind of went up there with attitude and shit miss Pat I ate a bag of

things the first joke died second joke died third joke died and I said fuck you motherfuckers until this day I can't remember what story I told it was this I mean you you probably been doing comedy so long now does it bothers you when a joke don't hit no me neither I don't give fuck because I tell you on comments I said you know when you're working I mean it's like baking a cake it's like baking a cake in a bitch fall in the middle okay you didn't add the right ingredients go back and try again and people ask me how time like does it bother you I here come and say what oh when I have a good set I have a good

we would have a bad set I have a bad we I don't give a fuck is it when I'm not when you didn't pay to see me and I'm literally up there at an open mic I am creating I'm working so I don't give a fuck about how you feel about a joke okay it didn't work then I go home and I took it and rework it and come back but I see a lot of comics they get really depressed at open Mike and I'm like bitch you had open Mike what you gonna do when you fucking in front of a thousand people one day you bomb when I was on the road Mr. Joe Rogan Mr. Joe Rogan used to pay me good money the show look like you pay good money okay Joe paid

me great money and he knew my money was going half of it was going to drugs he still loved me he still knew I was funny but he also knew I was a ham and anger I was a 50% comic I would go up there thought I thought if it ran miss Pat you got problem bitch you gotta follow Joey after that set that's one of those cocaine from the night before fuel set and he knows he's picking up another rock in an hour type set he just wants to get this set over with so he's to I would fucking kill rooms and Joe would love it but there were also sad skies that I would go up there and eat a bag of dicks why did I that I got a notebook

no I went to dinner with you miss Pat and I got high with miss Pat's husband and then I went to Indianapolis and did two for not drugs but smoke pot you know I'm saying now people pay to come see us miss Pat yes so now guess what I do on Friday before the show what nothing I don't want to see nobody I don't want to talk to you I don't know what you want to talk about I got two shows they're paying 25 hours to come to see me yeah okay I don't want you in your room go me me me me me that's bullshit I want you in your room with your feet up at about five o'clock you go down to the gym you got on the

bicycle you do 20 minutes you do a couple jumping jacks you got everything nice and sweaty you go upstairs you order a little room service because if you go to the bar you gotta sit there for an hour you ain't got an hour before the room service comes up you pray he says 70 for 45 minutes you're sweaty you take your notebook out and you go over your notes and you and I'm not telling you to write I didn't say that about right I just said to go through that notebook because going through that notebook raise will raise your percentages right there hmm you took a shower your mind was calm and you were set on the thing I

loved the comic that walks in miss Patton says man I want biggie is my warm-up song that dude already lost he's thinking about a song yeah that's why I'm gonna fuck what you play you play with saying that's why I'm that's why I don't bring t-shirts on the road I don't want to be worried about 62 t-shirts and size double-axe you know what I'm worried about my mother fucking stand up I want these people to come see me next time so when you're a feature act you act a certain way and when you're a headliner you gotta act a certain way and next thing you know good things happen for you man and I didn't make

this up I watch Bernie Mac I watch you know the great ones I love Richard pride you go out there and focus on what the fuck you're doing years ago I used to go fuck Joe Rogan at his myspace bullshit Joe was on my space I'm snorting blow going do you think Richard private go home again on my space do you think Richard prior would go home with his prime and get on my space fuck you my space one motherfuckers one day we did Irvine and that motherfuckers room was sold out on 4th of July weekend with no radio and I said this motherfuckers on to something this was 10 years before the podcast oh wow he was already on to

that shit he was already getting the people through the internet yeah so it's been an education where listen you and I have both prime examples that if you open your heart on these podcasts yeah great things could happen this all started with us telling people about our lives how great is this it sure was I mean I can't think the podcast family enough every one of y'all you Joey Mark Ari Bert Tom Segur and his wife and so many more I can't fucking name look the first time you came in here you gotta fuck the bybrows you sure had a hole your nails weren't done you had a fucking you had a fugazi diamond on this

shit you had one of those Cubans the Coney is you went to a steam room they rubbed you down they plucked your eyebrows they gave me those shampoo and shit they gave me that career that's how good you look they took that whole fucking shirt with the hole in it you know you threw the way it's over I'm not gonna bring it up you brought it up from North Carolina 1982 I like how he said that's the easy way to say bitch it was ugly but you know I did not say about ugly I just said that you know there was no dollars coming in you know now you're looking good God bless you she just has my hand and her hands are so soft it's like my god no no no she goes to like a dog oh my god she goes to like the

nail salon every day you shake butter like other black people do oh fuck you talking about that's good shape butter so you used to get but you used to get shaved butter two for one with afro she's premium shame other now you get the real shape butter but the shit you rub on your feet and your feet don't crack I have been blessed I can't lie about that I gotta be honest I've been blessed I mean some good things have really came my way you know the book the whole Lee Daniel thing with our imagine I mean sometime I wake up and I was like what fuck did I do to deserve this you know I get to talk to a powerhouse you know

almost anytime I want like Lee Daniel and I always giving me advice great great dude great dude to know I mean been nothing but nice you know and how do you get in contact with well well I did so what we at first I had a deal with New Regency and my contract ended so we left and literally imagine called a couple days later and wanted me to meet Lee so I went out to Chicago and I was like oh they shoot they shoot empire in Chicago so I was like I don't really know by the day and you know I'm scared you gonna be really famous acting and you know I'm saying well what do I say to this big-time guy you don't want Oscar

and did monster ball precious you know you don't really know how people gonna act ended up being the fucking realest person I ever made in my life I mean just just like me and you I mean you know how you meet somebody's like I want to choose my words right you know immediately made me feel like you know I was just as equal as him you know you can meet some people that make you feel like yeah talking down to you not one time I ever felt like that you know not one time a great dude and you know he took me in with his team to Fox and we sold the put pilot which was you know now we we got it we just we had to switch

writers so we got a new writer and we go on and pitch it again and hopefully to get up and going but I can't say anything about bad about imagine a Lee Daniel number one Ryan Grazer you have been blessed dearly because yes Lee Daniels has a successful fucking tremendous numbers show on two stars so that means he's got three more four more shows left yes okay and yours is one on that list I pray stars may not fall now but he regroups and take that motherfucker and Netflix the CBS you know everybody's buying shows right now yes so you know you're in good fucking hands so you

really got to get up in the morning and say Jesus fuck I do I think you know I just everything I mean then not only that what people don't know is the behind-the-scenes stuff that he studied due to help my career you know he read my book he gave me a blurb he you know he didn't have to do that I got an article coming out in the Washington Post and the 20th on the 20th you know it just he does so much other stuff like if I asked you know and it's just for my career is Lee can you do this for me sure what do I need to do you know that's a scary thing the biggest thing is I'm scared to ask but whenever I do ask you

know is always yes and I mean I'm a person where you know I've been through so much in my life I like to earn what I get in this world I don't want to be handed any fucking thing and you know I don't I haven't get we haven't produced a show where everybody's getting paid yet so I really don't like asking I feel I don't want nobody to ever think I'm just there for them to give me anything I want to work for whatever I get so that's the scary part about this business to you know they'll fly you out they'll put you up and invest in you and then she don't work out I feel like I've taken advantage of somebody so my old thing

is I just I want I was I just like to work for what I get and that's what I constantly tell all of them I just I want this show to be successful so you know we all can make some money from it so it don't feel like I'm some fucking freeloader the first two three four five six months in the business did you ever think you'd be in this position fuck no no no I totally only had five years of doing comedy did you think you'd be in this position no with the hottest three producers in Hollywood and fucking opi you're in business with fucking imagine can you fucking imagine like it when you're at doing that one

night and people are talking about going to Montreal and you're sitting there like an animal you don't even have a manager and it's all changed because you went on a few podcasts and opened your heart and fucking people were blown the fuck away yeah dad never hurt and then the same thing happened with me I told shit that I would never tell anybody I thought this happened in everybody's life yes yes most definitely I mean again no I didn't think at ten years ten years ago I mean in 2006 when I moved from Atlanta to in Annapolis no I did not think that this is where I would be at in 2017 no I

mean my whole thing is always just say I just want to get in the clubs I just want to be a feature then you get to feature one now so if I could just make a thousand dollars a week that's five thousand dollars a month I can help my husband pay the bill oh I have enough money to get my little ways out on time you know it's always been my biggest focus don't fucking let your little way go back so I just wanted to make enough money so I can be independent you know all of this other stuff with a book and you know a book shocked the shit out of me cuz I was like you bullshit right y'all gonna buy this shit it was shocking

you know cuz I always wanted to tell my story but I can't write a fucking book I knew I couldn't write it so when it came along I'm first of all let me say I'm the type of person where I grew up don't believe the half of the shit you hear don't believe half of the shit you see and none of the shit you hear so I needed to be 100% before I fucking believe in it and when the lady came along and said she could write the book I thought what else we'll see and when it really happened it I was like well damn would you do it again would you write another book would I write another book it was hard am I husband say I got

another book in me I don't know you have two more you're number one you have you have one story now like but you have to also write it and look at yourself and go you know what I'm gonna write this about me but I'm writing this for the Vicka Fox hmm because I rather sell this and it become an Academy Award winner guess who wrote it and now guess how much they give me for my next one 8 million and on that one I can write a story about my pussy they already wrote the check that's what happens to people in Hollywood your second one is about your

kids just flip it that's an Oprah movie that goes right to Oprah you tell Lee hold on one second we already got this thing cooking I gotta go talk to Oprah about this one this is about a 15 year old girl has a relationship with a married man and his two children and it's you but it really isn't you when it ends maybe with what you how you wanted to end and then there's the other side of a single mom that's 17 slinging fucking on the corner you have three or four books in you that's my husband I would say he's like you got another one but who knows yes you just have to get a notebook get a book to the art of

writing get all that book read them but the most consistent thing is to say to yourself you know what I'm gonna write ten words a day that's it ten fucking words a day a fucking child to write ten words a day and next you know you start getting into it and get into a more and getting into a more than a year and a half from now you yourself a little book baby girl and now your advance is a little higher you have a bigger following from stand up how many fucking go I don't we don't have time believe we sit here how many comedians have made millions from book that first Chelsea handle the book made a late 12 million

you know and then she was taken on the road and stadiums and banging you out for dirty to sign the motherfucker you know you have to learn that's commerce this is what this business is about and this is what you're good at you have ten stories in your fucking soul we'll see you know I don't know right now I just finished one so hopefully yeah it's gonna do well August 22nd August 22nd is on his own pre-sale now please go out in order if that's a great you know what's crazy joy my husband ready and I was you know my husband is a big credit you know a lot of time I say he's not a miss Pat family he's really on the cover miss

Pat fan and he was like this is a fucking movie this is a good book and he didn't say that because I was his wife because he read shit and I don't get rid of that shit but honestly he said you know and I take I listen to my husband a lot it's so I read it too it's a fucking good book are Kelly gonna roll it no that's some right before he gets locked up you can be my first baby dad and she could be on the audio book I did I got an audio book is awful is you can buy that too now what's here your next few dates that you're doing Morty's I'm at Morty's August 25th through the 26th promote the book yeah

doing signs and taking pictures yeah showing how beautiful you look in September mate I'm in Boston at the Boston Comedy Festival okay I know I'm coming to Cincinnati in November I'm trying to pull it up you can pull it up fast okay Pat company.com if you in the Indianapolis area please come out I would love to meet you if you never heard of me before she's fucking solid let me do some shout outs real quick Alan Soraka Colin Parker Jr. and Jeremy Slagoth I'm coming to Tampa cocksucker get get rid of Daniel Lolo or something Dennis Dumont tug Dakota Gilbert Jeff Collins and I don't know what else it says I was

fucking stoned when I wrote this list don't forget we had a second show on Thursday night in the punchline in San Francisco damn the weekend tickets are sold down not on work on the Lord's Day so it's a 1015 show myself and Dean Del Rizzy real quick let me talk to you people about something I don't know what's going on with your life you know miss miss Pat comes on here she tells me what's crack I lacking and listen if you hear the sirens this is all real we don't fuck around with 3d right and all those sound effects they've been going on fucking like Joey something's been going on like either Isis attacked the airport don't

say that shit I got a fly out of here Wednesday it's a lot of shit on fire I don't think Isis is attacking Burbank Airport yeah what the fuck do you know what are you swarming from Salami you don't know what's cracking I mean two of the days over a quick can I read two of the days over a quick yeah yeah we read the next four because after that you got to assume that I don't have a pencil in shit okay cocksuckers read the lead the next four absolutely so it's the Boston Comedy Festival September 21st of the 23rd and then you're in Richmond Virginia October 5th to the 8th then you're at the joke joint in Houston

October 12th to the 14th and then you're back in your home state of oh no never mind yeah Bloomington Minnesota House of Comedy Mall of America the 25th to the 29th oh shit and it's a more dates coming back in September they're not on yet but just keep clicking back Ms. Pat comedy.com Twitter Facebook Instagram all of that shit young people do you know man I'm looking at you and I'm thinking about how how when you put your time in for years nothing really happens but when you really put your soul into something doors open up and you're the fucking beautiful example and I wish you all luck in the world you're

beautiful you have great soul and you got a great story well thank you thank you for having me please it was my fucking pleasure you had some fucking publicist I thought get the fuck out of here I'm gonna talk to him it's bad mind your business cocksucker Schlein and Cahine he showed up with a picture him with Yannick trying to Skype a motherfucker I can't have you talking bad about Jewish people Joe I just said that he was trying to get to me we had sauce we wrapped this up and we'll get out of here did you know that depending on where you get a mortgage you can save $20,000 or more but 80% of

people only get one mortgage offer like I did when I tried to get a house and if you just go to your bank chances are you'll get ripped off I mean screw lending treat doesn't want this to happen here's the thing the average lending to customer can save $20,000 of the life of their loan that's the average half of these customers could even save more all right whether you're looking for a new mortgage where you want to refinance or home equity loan lending tree is the only place where you get five real offers from America's top lenders and you can compare side-by-side to free and guess what it only takes

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that's lendingtree lendingtree.com slash church lendingtree LLC NMLS pound 1136 terms and conditions apply go to lendingtree.com slash church number two listen you work hard all day you're trying to watch your weight you don't have time you're trying to save money yeah you want to go home at night you really want to stop at a fast food joint or someplace that serves terrible food and how long is that gonna last for how long you gonna last for all right this is not good this is where Blue Apron comes in as far as affordable you don't even know what Blue Apron is let me tell you it's the number one fresh

ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everybody even to momos like myself and Lisa I at Lisa I at for example lives off Blue Apron me I get it every like couple weeks as filler when mom is not home or something like that Blue Apron is tremendous tell them Lee Blue Apron's great it's delicious it's taught me how to cook I got my dad on it my dad literally every single day of the week every month has Blue Apron he loves it it's delicious and listen it's ten dollars per person per meal Blue Apron will deliver seasonal recipes along with

pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals variety forget about it you choose from a variety of new recipes each week or you let Blue Apron skill in every team just surprise you I know you love surprises recipes are not repeated within a year so you'll never get bored flexible forget about it customize your recipes each week based on your preferences Blue Apron has several delivery options so you could choose what will fit your needs and there's no weekly commitment so you only get the deliveries when you want them each meal comes with a step-by-step ready for this one easy to follow recipe

card proportioned ingredients and they can be prepared in 40 minutes or less you can't lose you're single whatever you're trying to lose weight you're trying to eat healthy this is the way to go plus Blue Apron's freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook or they'll make it right now here's what I'm gonna do for you check out this week's menu all right what do you like this week what did you get Lee oh I got some great stuff I got steak and potatoes like steak and like french fries potatoes I got the chicken tenders that was really great and I'm forgetting the third one but it was they

have so many that they have recently increased the options you have you get to choose from it's better than ever all right so check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free again you get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash joey that's right three free meals with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash joey you'll love how it feels and tastes and to create home cooked meals with Blue Apron so don't wait do yourself a favor that's blueapron.com slash joey Blue Apron a better way to cook again I want to thank Blue Apron again I want to thank

Lending Tree again I want to thank Onnet but most importantly I want to thank one of my favorite guests because when she comes on I get what it's like the rolling it's like well I've slime the family stone you understand I get what the fuck I get I don't get somebody outside and you turn it to somebody else no not with this I'm happy about your success God bless you thank you your daughter's beautiful you have a beautiful family I read your little fucking Twitters and good luck to you. Never mind of me spell words and I will retreat all your stuff around book time thank you and I make sure I'm gonna try Blue Apron

because I can't cook with for shit and I'm gonna play like I cook. Listen I'll get Blue Apron eat and just look at you you know I'm saying that's how good you're looking. God bless you. Knock him dead on this tour. Stop making me smile Joey. Please go to McGoobies for the book signing. Is it McGoobies? Morty. Morty's I'm sorry Morty McGoobies. Go to Morty's it's a great club. It is. Indianapolis she's gonna do it the 20th. Fifth through the 26th. Bam there you have it. I love your cocksuckers have a great weekend. Love you too cocksuckers. We'll talk to you all right stay black. Lee who loves you more than me? Nobody cocksucker. Bam let's do this.

What was I gonna do? I let myself go. And I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and I was lost and lost and I was lost and I was lost and lost in my life always. I've been thinking for you, It's been so long. And because of what I could do. When I heard your song. I cut my ha've been playing. I got pretty dumb. You knew I could not reach. I needed someone. And now we're flying through this far I hope this night lasts forever Ain't nobody, somebody Love me better

Make me happy Make me feel this way Ain't nobody, somebody Love me better Every one night that I bring to me Can't believe I'm the one I was so lonely I feel like no one for you

I must be dreaming I want this dream to be real I'm in this feeling I make my wish upon us all And hope this night will last forever Ain't nobody, somebody Love me better Make me happy

Make me feel this way Ain't nobody, somebody Love me better Ain't nobody, somebody Love me better Then you First you put your arms around me Then you put your arms around me

Then you resist the swizer and dirt Oh, my night's a warm and tender It's staring to each other's eyes And what we see is no surprise Got a feeling most with treasure And I know so deep we cannot live Ain't nobody, somebody Love me better

Can't make me happy Make me feel this way Ain't nobody, somebody Love me better Ain't nobody Love me better Can't believe I'm just missing you So much input

Ain't nobody, nobody Love me better Make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel even more, make me feel, make me feel, make me feel like I'm nothing Żlllll i'll I'll find a baby guitar центр Done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done yard you