Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #509 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio talking about Joey's appearance on the 1,000th "Joe Rogan Experience" podcast, getting and keeping a job in prison, and what it's like to do LSD in prison. This podcast is brought to you by:  Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.       Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 08/20/2017  

This show is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com for all your supplemental needs. Also, the church of what's happening now is brought to you by Lyft. Lyft knows that their drivers are what keeps them moving. So they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are unhappy on every trip. Do me a favor. So join the ride-sharing company that believes in treating its people better than any other. Go to Lyft.com slash Joey.

Today, right now, and you get a $500 bonus, that's Lyft.com slash Joey. Listen, you're sitting there, you don't know what to do, and mom bought you a new car, but you want to sit there and play video games. It's over. Go to Lyft.com slash Joey right now and get a $500 new driver bonus. That's Lyft.com, limited time only, terms apply. Kick that mule, Lee. Oh, shit.

Little Tom Tom Club. It's Monday, cocksuckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive. What you gonna do when you get a chance? I'm gonna have some fun. Oh, shit. What do you consider fun? I'm gonna have some fun.

Just when you thought it was safe, the church of what's happening now. Come on. Oh, shit. Here we go. Here we go. Little girl, power there for you on a Monday morning, cocksuckers. Uncle Joey here with his favorite fucking Jewish person, Mr. Lee Syat. That's a big honor.

Thank you. I hope you guys had a fantastic weekend. My weekend was tremendous. I want to applaud Joe Rogan for letting me on this 1,000 podcast. I want to applaud Joe Rogan for letting me on the show at the comedy store. My set was fucked up, but I made it through. If you came to the ice house last night, I love you cocksuckers too. It's always fun at the ice house, that little room.

If somebody farts, everybody smells, you know what I'm saying? So it's a great little fucking party room. Yeah, we've been in that room since we started. It's from podcasts to one man shows. Testicle Testaments. Testicle Testaments. Stage two is like, it really is one of those places that it relaxes you as a comedian so you can let yourself go.

And you guys are sitting there going, what the fuck are you talking about, Joey? Just go on a fucking float tub. No, no, no, no, no. There's something like the first time I went to the comedy store, I was so, I wanted to just to be in the original room. I didn't like the main room because I bombed in there. And the belly room just wasn't me. Why did I want to go backwards?

Okay, you liked the original? The belly room, when I first got to the store, it used to be empty every night. Fourteen, eighteen, thirty-four people. They never really pushed it. You had to give those deposits on the room to get it, like two fifty. So that means you had to charge the door. It was a pain in the ass. So I just never regressed.

And then one night, Mitzi came up to me and she goes, when are you going down there? So I did this show called Stories from a Cuban Street. I think our friend in Austin, Bobby Sharon, just got a copy from George, the original posters. Oh, sure. And I did one-man shows up in the belly room at the comedy store. But the beauty of it was that one night, that first one that I did, it was like twenty-two of my friends. And then that- And then we snuck a bottle of tequila upstairs.

Okay. And myself, Ricky Cruz, this girl named Celine, got rested, sold, Doug Stanhope's mother. Doug Stanhope's mother was there that night with us. Like, I can't forget who else was upstairs. But after the thing started, dice came up, a bunch of people came up, and that was the birth of the original Testicle Testaments. But that night, I was just upstairs telling stories. And I was always in a rush on stage. That was my problem from the first time I ever got on stage.

In 1991, I always was trying to get to the punch line. You're always trying to get to the punch line. You're always trying to get to the punch line. It took me eight years, nine years, eight years to really get the essence of comedy. And it was because of that show in the belly room, because I told stories. And that was the first time for years. People begged me for years. I would talk to people late night.

We'd be snorting blow or smoking dope. And they'd ask me a question, and I'd tell them a story, and they'd go, Why don't you say that on stage? And I'd go, because it would never work. Did you work on these stories? No, no. At that time, no. At that time, you would ask me a question.

I'd tell you a fucking answer. But even at that time, people would go to me, Joe, you got to say that on stage. Wow. And I would go, I'm not saying that on stage. So one night, I just put like ten stories together, and I went up to the belly room. And I did three hours, because there was no show at ten o'clock or nothing. So they said, you have it as long as you want. But I still remember where it broke.

Like a bunch of us got together before the thing. There was no cocaine until after the show. I did it in December of... So the first time you told stories, you was told it for three hours? Top three hours. What does that feel like when you're up there for like long, when you're on doing those marathon sets? It was fucking surreal. Like it was, I went to the store.

I didn't have a spot in the original room. Okay. We met over on Gardner across from Elkin, behind Elkin Padre. We didn't even have enough money to go to Elkin Padre then. Like we had beer, and I got like a pint of tequila. Like the little ones that you put in your pocket, like a fucking jaguar on the street. Just like that. And me and my buddies drank the tequila.

We smoked some dope. Like in those days, we had like three joints. I think Ralphie May came later on. Yeah, it was just us. It was like December, like two weeks before Christmas, like the 16th around there. People in town. So you didn't even, so you didn't have money for a bar? We sold like four tickets.

Like I got 40 dollars. It was at that time. It was a struggling time. Oh my God. Between the drug addiction and I'd have gigs. But it wasn't what it is now. They were $200 gigs and $75, $100 gigs and $100 gigs. And I did them every night.

So I did them every night. They always said before I came to LA that you couldn't make money here. That's what people didn't hustle. I can't, I'm not going to tell you I made $200 grand doing $50 a night sets. I can't tell you that. But I made enough to drive a car, pay for a car, pay rent, snorkeling. You know what I'm saying? Keep myself in fucking viddles and I was 400 pounds.

So you do make good money. You make, you know, in those days, on a Monday night, I would go to the Universal Studios and they had a room there and the guy gave you 40 bucks. And then you went to the Laugh Factor, you made 25. And then you went to the Comedy Store and made 15. But that's all in the check. So you got 40 coming to you and you got 40 in your pocket. That's Monday night.

Tuesday night it picked up. Flying Jeff Garcia at Casa Latina, Felipe Esparza had a room in Whittier, another kid that passed away, God bless his soul, Rudy Medina. He had a room and had a country club. He paid 100, Felipe paid 15 a burrito and Jeff Garcia and Fly paid 40 bucks and a free meal. Is it harder as a quote unquote dirty comedian because you're going to all these places that might... No, these were restaurants. These were bars.

Didn't I give a shit? No, at these places they want you to be obnoxious and loud. Okay, cool. Those are the comics that do well in those places. Oh. Whitty comics have to have a hard time in those rooms. So they avoid them because they're just telling funny jokes. These are drunk people that have been working hard all day.

They're blue collar people they should pull. They bet the fucking Lakers and now they turn the Lakers off for you to go on stage. Fuck you. You better be fucking funny. And then Wednesday somebody else had two rooms. Thursday you'd be off but I'd still have a spot at the store. And then Friday I would go like to Ventura and pick up 175 and then come home and do the comedy store for 15 bucks. And then Saturday I would pick up another gig somewhere for 100 bucks and Rudy Moreno had rooms for 40.

The brave bull paid 40 bucks but he would give you three spots so you'd make 120 bucks. And then you shot back to the comedy store and picked up $15 and a check. So if it was like the first of the month and you got some of these spots would you put some of it towards the rent for next month or it's all towards Coke until like the 20th? Well here's the deal people. Nothing happens until you make it happen. Motion creates motion. Right. Once you stop moving the debris stops.

Somebody famous once told me that. Once you stop moving the debris stops. Are you moving? You generate action. You know I was telling these guys that I used to work at a place that sold screws and nails on the phone. Guys I had to be there. I had to be at Top Magoo at 4 a.m. because 4 a.m. was 7 a.m. on the east coast. And other people who need screws.

When the contractors were coming into their office. So they wanted you to call them. In those days I used to get every leak. When I tell you every delete. When I tell you something. I tell you something every day. Right. I went in there Monday through Friday.

I faxed 10 different bookers. Whether they knew me or didn't know me. And at that time nobody knew who the fuck I was. I had done. Maybe the pilot and I had done maybe basketball. I stand up with mediocre but I knew to get better at how to go on the road. That must be a weird part of stand up. Because you can't really fax.

You can fax and tell them what credits you have. No. I would say how you doing. My name is Joey Diaz. I've been in baseball. I shot a pilot for CBS named Bronx County. And I've been a regular at the county store for the last four years. I'm looking for feature work.

And I would put the calendar of April. May and June. I would say I was pitching those three months. Right. And I would put imaginary dates on there. But not really. I was never into bullshit and I'm resumes. It's too easy to.

At first I would put like let's say I was doing Lee's pork chop house. Right. In Pomona, California. I would put Lee's comedy joint. Like that. Right. You follow me. Yeah.

You follow me. So I was doing that type of shit. And you know what guys it took. I did that every day for fucking months. Would you describe yourself like I'm a. No. Nothing at all. The least.

The better. And they'd call you. Listen to me, bro. Nobody ever fucking call me for about four fucking months. What are you kidding? You want me to tell you? No, they didn't call me. I would put on there.

How you doing? My name is Joey Diaz. I'm a comedian from Los Angeles. I'm a comedian from New Jersey. Living in California. I started in Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works in Boulder. I won the Bex Boulder Broker competition and came in sixth in the Seattle Comedy Competition. I don't know if you watch television, but I was in the movie Baseball with the whatever

the Zucker Brothers and the guys from South Park. And I was also in a Bronx pilot named Bronx County. CBS pilot named Bronx County. I'm looking for feature in your area. I have family in your area. You always have family in the area. Because that means people are going to come to the shows. Oh, I thought you were going to try to get them out of buying you a hotel room.

No, you always have. You just want to get the gig. They'll ask you on the phone, do you have family? Yeah, but it's in Kentucky. It's an hour away. Oh, okay. Now you got them. They're going to give you the data ready.

You make it very vague, but not really. I never sent the tape in those days. That's what I would send. That's what I would send. And nobody ever called me back. And I was dating this girl. I lived in Michigan. And one of the biggest talent agencies in the Midwest.

They're still there. Great company is, uh, fuck. I forget what the guy's name. But the guy who booked me there was Mark Colo. These people I'm talking about, they own the club in Grand Rapids. They've been around for a long time. The fucking father was phenomenal. Great guy.

The father, the father was a great guy. The father, the father was solid. The father, when I got into comedy, he's still alive. He just gave the business to his sons. But the father had 60 rooms and 60 nights. Jesus. He booked Detroit. He booked this.

They own all those clubs. He just booked them. He just booked them. Got ya. It was like Midwest town agency, but the book were at the time. His name was Mark Colo. I can't think of this fucking on his name. And next thing you know, I just, I was going to Michigan guys just like,

and I go, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna call Mark Colo. And take a chance, Columbus did. And I picked up the phone. After four months of faxing, I'm not hearing a fucking peep. I picked up the phone. I go, Mark, how you doing? Joey Diaz.

He goes, how are you? I go, Mark, I need a favor. He goes, what's going on? I go, I'm coming up to Michigan. My girlfriend lives in Niles. And I just don't want to sit there with her family for five days. I'm looking for feature work, man. I know you got feature work.

Is there anything? He goes, you know what? I do have a week. And he gave me four nights. Four nights. But one of them ended in Grand Rapids where I go now for that, Mr. Dr. Grins. Right.

And have you worked for him before you said? Never. Never. So you've been sending him the faxes. Seven of the faxes. Never sent him a fucking tape. Nothing. He booked me.

He gave me the benefit of the doubt. Do you remember the faxes or no? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He knew the name and he, I finally called him and he knew the name obviously. And he fucking picked up the phone and I told him like a man what my situation was. I'm not looking at a headline.

See, if I were to call them looking at a headline, now you got a problem. Right. Now you got to show them tapes and that, that, that. I'm just looking for feature. I'm not looking for much. He didn't pay me much. He didn't pay me like 75 bucks a night. But I didn't give a fuck.

I just want to get it. It's a work. Yeah. I wanted to get him. So the first night it was like Grand Den, Michigan, something like that where they had like sailboats outside. What time of year was it? It's fucking December.

Oh no. It's penguins and shit. It's freezing. Maybe there's 30 people. The second night was like a bar restaurant type of place. Then I had a night off. Then Friday and Saturday used to have two clubs in Grand Rapids. Dr. Grins.

That's huge now. And they had a smaller club that they booked. Okay. Well, they're close to each other. I don't know how big Grand Rapids is. Half, you know, it was on the other side of town. Okay. Got you.

And I went in there as a feature act on a Friday night. And I'm on stage just doing what I do at the company store. At that time I was starting to click. It was 98, 99, and I was starting to get it. Were you telling the stories on stage yet? No, no, no, no, no, no. I was very blue, but very machine gunny. No substance, just machine gunning.

And I had this room fucking howling. And that night, that owner of that company walked into that club. And the headliner went up to him. And he was like, hey, man, he says, tell him this guy all about his career. And this guy knows the company. He looks at me and goes, I wouldn't worry about what you're doing. I'd worry about, do you see what this guy, you're going to follow? I was doing.

And I'm like, I was the feature. And I got off and he came up to me and he introduced himself. And he was a fucking gentleman. He goes, dog, you're stronger than a feature. Next time I got a headline. I was like, perfect. Like he got, I got to see the guy. Like people died for this guy to see your tape.

He just happened to walk in when I was on stage. I had no idea. If I knew he was on stage, I would have ate a bag of dicks. And this was the guy who got you the feature work. This was from the same book. No, after that, I booked, I worked Saturday night. And then this guy started headlining me. He started headlining me in small rooms and co-headlining me and featuring in big rooms.

Fuck. Yeah. I mean, it seems like. The money was total dog shit. Like for a feature act from Tuesday to Saturday, I got 450 for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven shows. So what's 450 divided by seven? Uh, 50. Yeah.

It was nothing. And then they put you up in a condo that you wouldn't fucking, you know, no, no, Buffalo was good. Buffalo was good. Lansing was good. They had a couple of rooms that were really fucking good. They really did. 64. What's that?

450 divided by seven. Yeah. $64 a fucking set. But I would go everywhere. I would go everywhere and all over Michigan. He would send me to Milwaukee. I did Marquette University, like a student lounge. You know, that's what you have to do sometimes.

Take short money and look, I was on stage and the guy came in. It's funny. I don't watch that much TV this weekend. I go into the fucking, I'm in my office, whatever, and I walk out and I see that my wife is watching that movie with Michael Keaton about Ray Kroc and it's called The Founder. Right. So I don't know how long she's been watching it. I'm interested in all those type of movies.

You know, right there when I was watching that movie, I understood what I like about them. I don't like sci-fi, I don't like none of that shit. I like semi real stories, but I want to see the struggle. Absolutely. And that movie really shows you the struggle and it shows you that, you know, nothing good happens, you know, unless you get off the couch, number one, but nothing good happens unless you think outside the box.

Now, if you watch that movie and you watch the whole story and this is a spoiler alert. I don't give a fuck. And if you watch the whole movie. It's history. Yeah, it is history. You know, if you watch the whole movie, you really learn something about two different visions, about two different views on life. You could think about it as that the guy kind of robbed them or you could think about them

as the two guys were so stubborn. They let this guy rob for a thousand times. I'm a 54 year old man. Lee, you're dirty. In reality, you're estimated, you're dirty. Look, a lead turned pale on me when I said he was dirty. He's 29, he's fearing 30. In one month.

He's fearing 30. So, but right now let's say we got a kid in here to come in here and he's 19. He's out of college. No, I'm sorry. He's 21. He's out of college. And his background or his major is computer engineering. This guy could decipher everything.

And he falls in love with you. He's Jewish. He went to Emerson. He contacts you and he sits in with us one day and you become friends with him. And next thing you know, the kid's telling us ideas and you and me are like, fuck this guy. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, he, yeah, we want to do what you like.

We're in, but every six months he would call us and try to switch it up. But we're too stubborn. We're in this fucking town that we don't, we don't see past. Absolutely. Yeah. It's so weird to watch it. You get stubborn when you're in the game for too long. Yeah.

It's so weird to watch it from the outside. I get a clear point of view on it. We're never really objective with ourselves until years later. Yeah. We find out why we did what we did and what was fucking going on, you know. But this movie, my God, I had to watch it like I watched it from the middle to the end. And then today or yesterday I watched it all over again from the beginning. And it was, it's not an Academy Award winner guys, but it's the kind of shit I like.

It's kind of like not revenge, but revenge on yourself that he would, when he was facing adversity, he met somebody and the guy, this guy listened to him. He had vision. He listened to him. And what he was chasing was something completely different than what should have been chased. For some reason this week, and I was thinking about something a lot, I was taking them out and I was, I was probably 19 years old. I had already robbed a jewelry store.

I had already hidden in Sarasota, Florida for two, maybe two months and two weeks. I had gotten a job. I had gotten back and I got a job in a warehouse in Edgewater, New Jersey, where they built like frames for Entomans, deli and shit like that for donuts. Like the displays at the stores. I got fired from that. And then I got a job working at a hardware store, but I got arrested while I worked because I used their van and I had possession of stolen stealing tools or whatever.

When you have tools to do a robbery. Oh yeah. I had possession of tools or whatever. So the guy fired me. So I really had my back against the wall. So I created my own job. I went into the city one day where my mom used to know these dudes who did numbers. My mom had done numbers with them for years and blah, blah, blah.

And I went over there and told the guy the truth. And so listen man, I'm looking for work. I can run errands. I can pick up money for you. I'll do whatever the fuck. And he goes, you know what man, this guy got sick on me. I'm looking for a guy just to walk and pick up little fucking envelopes of numbers. That's it.

The neighbors protect it. They know you got numbers. They're not going to beat you up because you got no cash. And after a while they'll know who you are. Come over here every day at 10 o'clock. And every day I would fucking go over the, where did I fucking live then? I lived with Ferney on 70th Street in Kennedy Boulevard right next to the gas station there. And I would fucking take the bus to George Washington.

I would go the other way. Which way would I go? I would walk up to Bergenlein Avenue. I was a fucking kid, man. 19, I dropped out of high school. I felt like shit. I just felt like shit, you know? But the drugs and the alcohol and going out my buddies that really evened it out, you

know? And I would take the bus from Bergenlein to fucking Port Authority. And then I would take the train. Like, I'd have to take two trains. And I'd have to take one. I forget to what street. And then shoot over and then walk like five blocks. And it was like 118th and like maybe 3rd or 4th Avenue, 5th Avenue.

And I'd get there by 10. And I'd open up the stall with them. I'd sweep the front and I'd go get us breakfasts like ham and egg sandwiches around the corner. Sometimes they'd pick me up in my house and we would go to a diner in Seacork. It's where they used to have saltwater taffy. Howard Johnson's. We would go to Howard Johnson's eat breakfast, talk about the strategy of the day. And then we would shoot into fucking Spanish Harlem and do numbers from 10 o'clock to 3.

From 10 to 3, I walked. I went to the store and got coffee. I went to the supermarket and got rice. I got ham. They would cook. I was just a gopher. And in between that, I had to go pick up different fucking envelopes with numbers. And at 3 o'clock, the number would come out for New York and that was it.

I was done for the day. They would ask me if I needed cash. I'd say, yeah. They'd ask me how much. I'd tell them a hundred and then they'd always, they gave me a hundred and forty a day. So I'd work seven fucking days a week. You give the rest of them a check or something? Yeah, they gave me the rest of the check.

No, they gave me the rest in cash on Fridays. Oh, so every day they would ask if you wanted anything? Yeah. Fuck. That's like a perfect job for you. So I would take like a hundred every other day. And it was like being guys. I can't tell you what it was like.

Like I was fucking always broke. Then I had a guarantee yardstick in my pocket. I paid for rent for Ferney. I would buy a little groceries. But the rest, I fucking, I had no other bills. My bills in those days were maybe three hundred bucks. And now I was making a hundred and forty a fucking day. Are you crazy?

And what did you do? You saved the rest of the savings again? Oh, please. I was at the savings account. I even had a Christmas club again. Get the fuck out of here. I would leave there. I'd go buy a daily news.

I'd get like a soda. And I don't care how cold it was, I'd walk. I'd find the spot that sold weed. I'd buy a twenty dollar bag of weed, you know. I had a spot that gave me 20s of coke. And it was like a little over an eighth. So I get like four tenths of a gram instead of two tenths of a gram. And the coke was fantastic.

And then I'd jump on the train, man, and I'd jump on the other train. And then I'd take the bus over the fucking tunnel and it dropped me off. The bus home would drop me off on County Boulevard right across the street from what bar would hang at and across like 50 feet from the door where I lived. Sometimes I would go home, put some shit away, maybe take a shower, comb my hair and I'd go right across the street to that bar or I'd wait. I'd kill time so I wouldn't spend so much money at the bar. Instead of going at eight, you go at ten and you spend less money.

So for two hours I would watch TV and make phone calls. You know, what the fuck I did in those days. Just killing time. It was a fucking superb job. Superb. I think I got fired like January 18th. I was there January 20th. And it snowed and I'd go there.

You know, I was there no matter what, every day, ten o'clock. Then they would just pick me up. And got to the point they were just picking me up. I'd grown up with these guys. Like, I knew these guys. I had grown up in their homes. Like, I'd been at their homes when we were kids. What's the next step up?

Is it someone just answering a phone, taking numbers? So there was a few days I would go upstairs and work the phones. Then after a while, like somebody couldn't come in till 12 on Thursdays or something. Coco, get on the fucking phones. A piece of cake, I grew up around that. So I would call you, you would tell me what your number was or what your name was.

Lee, Lee was going on till they nothing. You ready? Yeah, you got a pen, yeah. Five, seventeen, five dollar box, ten dollar straight. So you'd write five and then you'd write five and the ten dollar box, you'd put a circle around it. So you understand what I'm trying to say to you? But there are symbols for every bed.

Right. So Lee and I would, Lee wants five dollars on five, seventeen. So I would write five, seventeen. He wants five dollars straight and I would put five dollar box and I put a circle around that five. That meant a five. So what's a box mean? Box means one seventy five comes up.

Gotcha. You're following me? So that's what I would do. That was my job. And then I would, I would write on a pink slip, rip it, give them a pink slip, give the other guy a pink slip. When I would keep that pink. It's a little gamble about anything.

And if that number comes out, right, let's say he better for five dollars, he gets, he gets twenty five hundred in reality. He gets three thousand, but I get five hundred off the top. And then he gives me a tip, which is usually five hundred. So that pink sleep, like so sometimes I would go upstairs and the phone would be ringing. They go, go, go, get in there. But I had been doing it since I was in Catholic school with this dude.

Like when I was in Catholic school in the fifth grade and the fourth grade on Saturdays, me and I'm cousins with this guy, Julio Rodriguez. We're not really blood cousins. What we grew up together. He's a big jujitsu guy in New Jersey. Gotcha. OK. He's my dog.

He owns Anaconda, his brother, rest in peace. When we were in the fourth grade, you can ask, I can have Julio call up and tell you when we were in the fourth grade on Saturdays, I'd be home instead of dicking around like most kids. Me and Gio would go to the Bronx and we would do what I was doing when I was 19 in the fourth grade. And every week they changed apartments. So every week we were in different neighborhoods

and then eventually you went back to the apartment. They would just move around the apartments. Jesus, they would just move around every few days, every week, every week. Every Sunday you have a new apartment, but you keep the other ones on the cops, never fucking know where you're at. How long do you keep all the apartments for a whole year? Years for years. You just keep rotating.

And then after six months, maybe the lease breaks, boom, you get another apartment. That's how you did it back then. But you got to remember New York City gambling is a ticket. It's a misdemeanor. It's a ticket. I don't know what it is today, but 30 years ago was a ticket. So you took the ticket. You I mean, eventually if you got 10 tickets, you're going to go to fucking prison.

But they would you could pay the cops off in those days. The cops were paid off on numbers. Numbers don't hurt nobody. Nobody loses their house with fucking numbers. Nobody sucks a dick over numbers. It's five dollars. You could bet a dollar. You could call me and bet Lee.

805, a dollar straight, a dollar box. I think that pays your 500 bucks. You pay 750, but I give 250 off the top as a bonus. And when do you collect this money every week? The guys for them to keep going, they collect. We they collect every paid day is like Friday. For some people, it's Thursdays. Thursdays is a big booking day, to be honest with you.

To be honest with you, I don't think I don't remember what day was that collection day, but nationally, usually if you're working with a good book, it's Thursday because they want to catch you. You lost Monday Night Football. Dad, the week ends on Monday. OK, so the week goes Monday through Monday. Or Tuesday through Monday. And they won't let you bet again until you pay up.

So the week starts Thursday. You got to pay on Thursday. You want to play Thursdays in their football, you got to pay on Thursday. So I think it's still the same. I may be wrong. I don't know. The last couple of bets I put in, I put in Las Vegas. But the point of the story was I had this job. And I loved it late.

I loved it with all my heart. I loved coming out of there three o'clock and just breathing New York City air. That's the story I tell people. That's the reason why. One Monday, I want it was fucking freezing. It was fucking freezing. It was like I was going over there for like five weeks at this time. And it was fucking freezing.

It was like my sixth week there. It was like towards the end of February. And I get there and when I get there, they go, dog, we're closing up today. When I get there is when I find out they closed up to that. I didn't give a fuck. I was in the city. I'm in the city. It's 10 o'clock in the morning. I'm fine. That's a beautiful day to be alive. Just a little cold.

I got money in my pocket to get me back. I had like 30 bucks and I had a plan to buy weed anyway. So I went to the spot and I usually go to buy weed. And they also had in those days, they had angel dust and they would sell you angel dust for three bucks. How much angel dust? If I took a joint and made the skinniest joint you ever seen, that's what it was. Is that enough to get high?

Oh, that will put you in Zomboville. But you wouldn't put it in a joint. You wouldn't roll it and enjoy it by itself. You'd sprinkle it in a joint of the weed they just sold you. So you put a tray, as they called it, into one of the joints that you bought. And that's the story I tell about the time I smoked. And after I smoked the joint with the chick, she told me she was pregnant. Yeah, that's where that happens.

That fateful day. I was having a good old time over there. I really was. I got into gambling over there because around the corner, there was a gambling book. And it was just like Las Vegas. You go and go, let me get 30 dollars on the next tonight. Give them the money and they give you a bet and slip. No way.

Yeah, it was just like that. So I was getting into a little gambling over there. I was winning. I was getting them for 100 a week. Yeah, no. Were you actually studying or were you just getting lucky? No, I was getting lucky with basketball. In those days, there's parts of the year where you're good with basketball.

The lines are tricky. I knew the Knicks. I knew the, you know, I had taken some beatings already in basketball. Timmy, you know, he knew his family knew a lot about gambling. Do you remember the Knicks? I did a lot of stupid shit. It doesn't matter. I did a lot of stupid shit.

But the painful thing about that job was that it was like July. I had been doing it for six months. No, Lee, I hadn't put away any money. But I had clothes. I was eating. I wasn't really getting in trouble. You know, I knew I had some problems, I think at the time. Some people were looking for me, but it was nothing serious.

At that time, yes, people were looking for me and I was going to New York every day. I was fucking swimming in the fucking shaky ground and I left and I made a decision to leave because one day when I was in there, I was I was like on a train back and I thought to myself, Jesus fucking Christ, what am I doing with my life? Like I was a fucking loser. Like we were talking about bartending in school yesterday. This is a year or two before bartending school. Like I was just out of my wits.

All I live for was to fucking go out at night and hang out with my buddies and talk shit. I was a lost soul. And by this time, my friends are going to college, which made me feel inferior. Like you just feel even shittier about yourself. And I still remember that year going like Thanksgiving to the bar the night before Thanksgiving. OK. And everybody's home with the little fucking college sweaters and you're in the corner with your fucking hoolen buddies and you feel like shooting yourself.

Really? Oh my God. You know, there's a movie called St. Elmo's Fire and there's a scene like that at the bar where they come home for Thanksgiving and they're all fucking fancy and you're the same fucking move in the corner that didn't go to college. But your father owns a construction company. So everybody comes back from school and they're like, oh my God, we love Southern California. Oh my God, we love Michigan.

And you know, they're like fucking, yeah, I'm a roofer. And they have no idea how much better they have it in reality. Well, nobody knows the dick at that age. You just know what you got and what you don't got. Right. And what you don't have is that much farther away than what you really think. At that age, I could have had a job and worked every day. I just fucked you. It's going to take me longer than a week.

Fuck you. You know what I'm saying? I'm never going to get that money. I'm never get that money. Even if I make a budget, it'll be years before I get the money that I'm looking to get. I used to get stripped up at the cover letter part of the job application. Like if I ever had to get a cover letter, I would just not apply. I was way before the cover letter. You never had to write that?

You like writing letters, though? No, I wrote cover letters when I got divorced in 91. I had to start writing like a little cover letter. So I wrote like things that I had done and never knew what to say. Accomplishments, everything that you did only magnify it. So instead of saying I was a maintenance man at a podcast studio, you say you were a maintenance technician at a major

media studio. Conglomerate. Yes. That leaves a big word. So what did you do there? Did you sweep? Did you clean the toilets? Did you work on the computer?

Organized materials. Those cover letters are just bullshit. It's just bullshit. It's not lying. You can't lie on those things because they'll bust you. It's basically your accomplishments only with big words and make it seem like, you know, you have a maintenance technician third class of the highest of the highest order.

Who gives a French? It'd be my dream to be a man in a technician that you're you're picking up papers with a stick with a nail at the end. Well, you kid, you know what I'm saying? But that doesn't matter as long as you sell it. Right. But the point of the Ray Comte thing, the guy Ray was at the beginning, he was listening to an album, like a hypnosis album.

And it was 1940 guys, 1950. And the guy was laying back. And this is way before Anthony Robbins. And this guy was just saying that the key to all this shit is persistence. Excuse me. And I remember sitting there after hearing that the first time I thought about it last night. Like when I was driving home from the ice house, went to you and I went home last night.

I don't know what I did when I got home last night. I just sat around for like an hour and cooled off. And I thought about that word and how it's really fucking real. Like the first time he went to the McDonald brothers, they were like, no, we don't want to franchise. And then he went back with a different offer. And then he went back and they're like, this guy is a fucking persistent fuck. So were the McDonald's brothers like, I don't want to say artists,

but they they they they were purists. They like burgers. They had created something. They had worked hard for what they had created. They had experimented. They had lost. They had experimented. Then they chopped it down to what was the what they sold.

And they made it into a production line so you could have a burger in 30 seconds. Then they sold it as an American institution. When you go into a town, what do you see a church? It's got a cross on it. You see a city government building that's got a flag on it. And when you see McDonald's, I got the two watches on it. It was just a brilliant idea, guys. It's amazing when you see American ingenuity.

That's American ingenuity. But the main thing I got from that was his persistence. Like people have no idea what they need to do. Like now I remember we talk about selling and I talk to you about selling all the time. I was a good salesman, but I wasn't a great salesman. You know why? Because when I was young, I didn't really want to focus on it. That was not what I wanted to do.

I frowned upon that career, which if I would have stuck it out, I would have been a great salesman on the phone. I mean, when I was 27, when I came out of prison, I got a great job off it to me. And if I would have got that job, I could have got any other fucking job because I would have just kept moving up. I just never gave it enough time. Selling on the phone? Yeah, like being an indoor salesman for like a big corporation.

They don't know what you look like. They don't know you're a fucking fellow. They don't give a fuck. They just want you to sell and sell appointments. You know what I'm saying? So I'm just selling, sending you a package, staying on you and then going. Listen, I got a rep in your area right now. They come over there and talk to you.

Let me set it up for you. That type of shit. Those guys, those guys make dough and then they make back end dough. If you have the appointment, you make dough. If you sell it, I make dough. If they get something else, I make dough. So there's three or four levels of dough there. So you end up making a lot of money and you're sitting at a desk and making.

Oh, yeah. You really can't. You'd be surprised how well telemarketers do, especially jobs that don't have a ceiling on them. Like if they do not have a ceiling, like I have the potential to go really. You can make as much money as you want. I could actually make eight grand today. That is a fucking tremendous job to have. It's tremendous pressure on an individual, but it really isn't.

It really isn't. When I was younger, I did that also and I was good at it, but I wasn't great at it. But by what I've learned the last 10 years in comedy and how the funniest guys are not usually the popular ones and the one, you know, all that type of shit taught me. That what we don't. The sales, the sales. I could have been a lot better at different parts of it. Well, do you think it's like it's the oldest question in the book?

But for people out there who are looking for jobs, can you learn to be a good salesman? Because I don't think I would be. Yes. Really? I was, to me, it just seems like people like you were born to be something. No, it's all in the script. Really? It's all in the script.

They designed the people who own that company spent thousands of dollars on that marketing script. Oh, the telemarker. The telemarker. So that company, let's say I'm Mattel. OK, let's say I'm Mattel. Mattel is not just going to sit there at night and write a script and give it to you. They're going to write a script to push you a little bit, throw you off your chair and set the appointment with Mattel. Once I start going off that script, like anything else in life.

I start improvising and it all falls apart. So they have an option for whatever the person on the phone says to have some response for you. I have a list of things. You know, if you watch all those movies, Boiler Room, they all have a list of if you say something, I say something back. And I go keep going back. I learned a really good lesson in, like, 1989. I went to the Boulder Toyota dealership in Boulder. Great dealership, like fucking Class A dealership.

You were not going to go in there and set the world on fire. But a single guy, that's a great fucking job. You know, Monday through Saturday, Sundays off, you have a day off during the week if you want to. If you're a young guy, you go, you know what, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go on every day from nine to nine, five days a week. I'm going to take the day off the week and blow some steam and then take Sunday off and blow some steam. I did that kind of sort of. And I made dough, but not the dough I should have made because I was focused on other things.

Like drugs and how to do drugs and be on probation at the same time, peeing a bottle and not get caught. But that was a phenomenal job. But the point I'm trying to make is when I was there, I learned a valuable fucking lesson. And this was when I got in the prison, I read a book, telemarketing. I've spoken about it in the podcast, but this was a lesson that was brutal. So in those days, you know, the sales call is when you go to the sale, when you call Toyota, when you call Toyota, Van Nuys, OK, and you go, how you doing? Can I speak to a salesman? OK, so what an operator do is go, OK, no, there's either two things that happen.

A slick salesman like me gives her a 20 in the beginning of the week and says, Hey, beautiful, any sales calls come in? That's what Joey Diaz, I'm here all day today, give her 50 bucks. Forget about it. She'll give you a sales call from fucking India. She'll give you the least apartment sales call. It's amazing. But let's pretend you don't want to give her a 50. You want to take a chance, Columbus did. And any dealership or an operator goes sales call on line five and 20 dudes run to the phone.

And then they, hello, this is Lee. How can I help you? Hi, I want to buy an 82. It says in the paper, OK, that's the way you do a sales call. And the guy improvises. But at this dealership I worked at, it was owned by the guy that owned the New Orleans Jazz at the time. And he invested a lot of money in training. And what he did was he hired this company from California. And what they did was they provided you would, if you had like 10 salesmen, they provided you with two boxes, two boxes.

It was like two boxes in the corner. And then those boxes were a phone. And you had to sit there. And on the phone, on the wall in front of you, was all the things the guy was going to say. And on to your right were all the things you were going to say. And before you could start working there, the guy would come in personally and talk with you for three days. The owner?

The guy that ran this phone sales system. Got it. He would come in personally and tell you, listen to me and listen to me correct. If you stick to the seven points I'm talking about here, you will sell the car. But most importantly, you'll get them in here. So it's a percentage game. If you get 10 sales calls, if you call in, OK. If you call in and go, hi, this is Lisa.

I'm looking for, it says in the paper, you have a 2017 Toyota Corolla demo edition. What color is that car? I can't even tell you the color. OK. I don't know right now. What I could do is take your number and call you back on a lot and call you back. I do know one thing.

Hold on one second. Hey Larry, what's that called like? What color? Purple. And it's beautiful. Just can't, they just fit. OK. And the guy hears that lightly.

I cover the phone, but not really. He knows exactly what to say because we do this every day. Then he gets on the phone. He goes, all right, listen, it's ready to go. It's beautiful. And the guy goes, what type of mileage does it have? Average miles. That's not number.

Yeah. It's 2017. Average miles. What's the average mileage an American puts on a car a year? 15,000 miles. It's a 2017. Anyway, listen, the miles doesn't really matter. The car is beautiful and it's ready to go.

Lee, what's your last name and what time can you get down here? Syed and Hall 2. No, you're a fucking moron. You're going to go, no, I want the exact mileage. I want to know the color. I want to know if it has the sports package. I can't tell you that. Lee, listen, it's got everything.

Do me a favor. Grab my number. Let me give you the address. What time can you come down here? Where are you calling from? I mean, it just hit you with points, Lee. And when you, so you would be lazy. Now, number one, they taped every conversation.

Were they listening right then? Yes. No, no, no, they were coming. You would send the tapes daily. Okay. So I'll never forget this. Mary was her name. Mary would go sales call line two.

And you would have to pick up the phone and go, Mary, Joe Diaz, phone number two. Phone number two was the phone by the window. Guess what I did? Let me tell you how much of a sack of shit I was. I went over and disconnected the tape recorder so I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. So they knew something was up.

They were like, somebody disconnected both tape recorders. How hilarious. I did that like two weeks in a row. The guy got pissed at the meetings because he would come in every Wednesday from California and have sales meetings and shit at nine o'clock and talk about the progress on the phone. The guy was far nominal, thinking about it now in hindsight. And he would say, at least I had last week,

you took 11 sales calls and you sold no cars. Why do you think that was? And you go, I don't know. The guy and he also need to play your fucking sales pitches. And he looked, you're going to go, where in the sales pitch does it say 15,400? Like he would just, he wouldn't grill you, but he'd go, you lost the sale right there.

And dog, so he, they started figuring out, they put a lock on the door. Who was he? Was he like the master Carl Sillsman? He was a phone guy. That was big time phone communication guy. And this company started up and they consulted a bunch of fucking black. Listen to the story.

So I didn't like the guy. Okay. He just seemed too fucking whitey tidy for me. I just got out of prison. He was always on time. And then he started listening to me and one day he got so pissed at me. He goes, by the way, Mr. D, as you're off the phone for two weeks. And I was like, what are you talking about, man?

He goes, your percentage is a zero. I was pissed. He hurt my feelings. He said to me in front of anybody, there was only two people ever in the history that he was there. They had to take off the phones because they were so bad. Were you not following the script? Not.

I would follow two or three steps. Follow two or three steps and then give up in cave. He didn't care if you did that because a human does that by natural. He would tell you why you would do that. But he wanted you to go against yourself and stick to the pitch and go back to those six. It was really, so what happened was when everybody left the room, I kind of got in his face, not in a violent way. I just approached him and asked him what's going on.

He goes, what we're going to do is you and I are going to come back next Wednesday. We're going to meet. I'm taking you off the floor and we're going to go through the whole thing. And that was kind of pissed. I really, I was young. I was stubborn. I was like, this is bullshit. I'm going to lose money.

I wasn't going to lose no money. This guy sat me down and went through the whole thing. Just hit me down. For three fucking hours, laying a room with suits on. And he broke it down to me like a fucking science. And he started taking charts out and fucking books and graphs. Tenthly moneyballed car sales. This guy was brilliant.

No, he knew about phones. He knew that you're not supposed to sell the car on the phone. You're selling the appointment. I don't want you to ever sell a car on the phone. It doesn't matter what color it is. It really doesn't. We could get you any color you want. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter what color it is. It doesn't matter what type of mileage it's got. It doesn't matter if they set it on fire and they reconstruct it. That's not your job. Your job is to sell the appointment. And I started thinking about it. Took me like three or four days to think about what the fuck is this guy talking about? This guy's smarter than fuck.

I'm a dumb fuck. I can't figure this out. And you know what? I made a conscious decision. I was like, I'm going to stick to the fucking script. That's it. And I went home and I studied that motherfucker. Those three weeks I was suspended every night before I get coked up.

You know, I would study the script for an hour. I wrote it down. And this was... This was post-prison. This was when I had a kid and I was really trying to put the pieces together. So I wanted to make a little bit more money. I wanted to make five grand instead of thirty-two hundred. I was stuck at like thirty-two hundred a month, twenty-eight hundred a month.

That's shit after taxes. That was shit after taxes in those days. There were guys that were walking out of a five fucking grand the fucking month, you know? So I listened to this guy. I really did listen to him. I did everything by the book, at least I had. People were coming in with their wallets. I was in shock.

He had six pointers on that sheet of paper. Come on, guys. It's been thirty years. I don't remember. But they all went back to the appointment. Don't take your focus off the appointment. What's the mileage? The mileage is average.

I remember that one. The mileage is average. What time can you come in and look at the car? I live in whatever, that's thirty minutes, you know? Like he just had all six of them. And if you kept going back to them, your job was to wear the fucking customer out. So yeah, so when one can come in, I can't, I have work today. Okay, so if you can't come in today, what time can you come into that?

We're here till nine o'clock. What am I going to do? Where do you work? I work at the Home Depot. That's six miles away. I'll tell you what, I'll drive the car over to you. I mean, these motherfuckers were relentless. So anyway, you put it, I did it.

I went back on the phones and one day at a meeting, like four weeks later, he goes, by the way, I got to tell you something. You know, at the best month in here ever, and people were like, oh, I was sat. There was an Indian guy that worked there, and that was very good. And there was another white dude that worked there. It was very good at the time. And he goes, no, Joey Diaz. That people were like, what the fuck are you talking about?

And he goes, I'm talking about percentages of people that came through the door. I learned a lot about that. Like I was, if I were to talk to 10 people, eight people come through the door. Well, it sounds similar to what you were talking about, about the founder to me last night, that I don't think you mentioned yet, is what be of, know what you're selling. Know what you're selling. Absolutely. You know, I don't want to spoil it for them.

So I don't want to mention that. Gotcha. But it's really weird that that let, I'll tell you how good it got, that that guy and I started going to lunch every Wednesday. When he would come, he would do the meeting. We would go on the floor, try to sell a car. And me and him and I became, his name was like Jim. That was his first name.

He was from Southern California. And he'd fly into Denver every fucking Wednesday. And he cut the bull to Toyota with a fucking tremendous suit on. Tremendous hair, always very neat, nails done, shoes polished, color coordinated. And I got so good at getting appointments from that man that every Wednesday for like three months until I left the dealership every Wednesday. Him and I went out to fucking lunch. Were you making appointments for yourself?

No, I was making appointments for the dealership. I was getting people to come into the dealership. So in turn, listen, when you're, when you're selling cars, savages stand outside. You ever go to a car dealership with people that they're out there working on their tan? No, they're savages. They're trying to get you. You're parking the back of a lot because you see a car you like and you read a stick

and all of a sudden somebody goes, boom, that's a car salesman. They're lurking back there. That's where the professionals lurk, where people are going to sneak in. The, if you, uh, if you know Chandler right on the end of it on the Van Nuys. Right. If you, if you're coming back, uh, east, there's people, there's always like a group of them by the Mercedes Benz one smoking right in the back. There's like eight of them.

That must be a four. So you have to like car. See, but see, if I owned the Mercedes Benz dealership, I would not allow that. Yeah. I would not allow it to have sales and smoking anywhere in the property. Because as soon as I'm, if I'm a decent person, I don't want people smoking in my Mercedes. Right. No.

It's really weird. Mercedes people are very weird. So that's really rude. That, that's how much like I was really raised and that salesman type. I just wasn't ready for it. Where's Tony Bennett cocksucker? It's Monday. Cock smokers.

Take the stick out of your ass. It's life. Let me get some shot out here to my people. Lorne Rosenka always on point. I have not seen or heard from Ali Bos. The Aus Warrior. So if anybody's seen from him, tell them I'm looking for that cocksucker. Nothing but love.

Brian Teller how we're trying to get him on the podcast in September. Jam, CGG, Ray Quigley, Ricky G, Fremont Street Picks, and Chris Norcross. I got your cocksuckers. Don't forget Thursday, Friday, Saturday this week. Ontario motherfucking improv. Nobody's going to be there Saturday because of the McGregor fight. What am I going to do? I can't compete with that.

But if you don't want to pay the yardstick, Uncle Joe will be there for you. Ontario improv, Ontario mall, Ontario, California. That's all I fucking know. Don't ask me any fucking questions. What the fuck are you looking at, cocksucker? Again, I wanted to thank Rogan for putting me on the other day. That was amazing. I had a blast.

I did not know that the podcast was going to turn into shit stories. That was not my intention. That was not pre-rehearsed. That was not pre-recorded. That was not pre-discussed. Rogan usually takes the higher road. I don't know if I took the lower road or whatever. But like I said on that podcast, we were having a good time.

I have feelings. I have feelings, bro. I really do, guys. Will people be mean to you by your words? No, I'm a fucking savage. But I got feelings just like anybody else. And you know what? I'm a big dude, bro, but I get really fucking sensitive.

Me too. And every once in a while, I read posts. For some reason, I get caught on reading something. You ever go through Facebook and you're just looking for your fucking dear, dear, dear friends to see what the fuck they're saying? But also when you stumble on some stupidity and you look into it and you're like, what the fuck? There's this lady who posts on my shit, not on my page. She just posts.

I could see it. Once a month, she books a comedy show in LA. And she just destroys comics like myself and like she just goes nuts. Like, you know, our ads are like, are you tired of seeing dirty comedy? Are you tired of seeing comedy that bashes political awareness? Are you tired of comedy that bashes the LGBT community? Are you looking for thought provoking comedy? Are you looking for insightful and intelligent comedy?

Come to our shows on Wednesday and eight. And it's got seven fucking stiffs. One worse than the other. If you're going to get through all that list, that sounds terrible. Listen, guys, you will put a gun in your mouth. Do you hate fun? So she, every once in a while, she'll put a tape up of her shows. And it's 25 people.

They all have, you know, different, you know, they're all special people. Okay, they're very fucking special. She shows like the little after party in front of the fucking, this closet that she books. And it's, listen, when I read that type of stuff, I get it. I understand that there's people that want to go watch a comedian that's witty. And I enjoy it. I enjoy a lot of comedians that are witty. Some guys are too witty and that's what pisses me off.

They can't sell it. But there's a lot of comics that I like that type of wit. There's one guy at the store that fucking kills me. You know, I like Ian Edwards, his, his wit is tremendous. I love fucking Neil Brennan. You know, I have my guys like that. I wish I could write like that, but that's not who I am. But like Neil Brennan doesn't bash dirty comics.

And there's Ian Edwards, you know, and there's a handful of those comics. So I read those Facebook ads and it just, it doesn't piss me off. It just makes me go, wow, that shit fucking exists that somebody uses that type of fucking language to sell a show because maybe they're frustrated or I've read fucking, oh my God, she once put an ad in there by the year ago that why go to comedy clubs and see commercial comedy when you could see real comedy here on Tuesday night. It's like, it's like they're starting fights that don't exist. It's like, why not just say come and see witty comedy?

Like, why are you bashing what I do now for no reason? Like that, that doesn't seem like a fun. She's not bashing it in a backhanded way. That's what fucking gets to me then. Instead of just coming out and said, then she said something else. Then when Ari taped the fucking show at the cheetah, like after he taped the Comedy Central thing, she did one. And she goes, why go watch a show that's going to be cut and edited stories?

So they could sell commercial space when you could tell your real story here. Oh, no, no, it's a fucking nightmare. And I know it's frustration. I know it's not that she hates that style of comedy. I know that maybe she's a comic and she's frustrated. So she lashes for years. I had a friend that would tell me to my face for you to do sets at the comedy store. You got to be a fucking Guido like you and I would go, I'm the only fucking Guido down there.

You know, at that time it was wheels and Vinnie Fabrino. Vinnie Fabrino went to Vegas, wheels is in Vegas. What are you talking about? You know, there's just people who get angry because they're not getting spot. So my point was that day we were laughing. We were laughing. Joe's an intelligent guy and he was fucking laughing. Tom Segura, we've been on planes because Tom Segura and his wife, don't their podcast,

aren't they surrounded about shit stories and fucking farting on planes and shitting your pants at the airport? Yeah, I mean, surrounded. That's pretty much a par for the course. A par for the course. So, you know, I mean, if I get together. They call Brown talk. If I get together with Tom, he'll talk to me about certain situations.

And he'll ask me if I, if I saw a certain something and I'll fucking laugh with him. You know, Tom's a great guy to be around because he kind of laughs at my fucking humor. You know, he gets it. He doesn't mind that I'm dirty. It's really funny, like Gabriel Laces. Gabriel Laces is a funny fucking dude that really perfects his act and being clean and whatnot. If I'm with Gabriel on a fucking club, and I hope I'm not sounding like I'm dropping them. If I'm with Gabriel at a club and we're just talking, we're fucking howling.

And I could be, I know I could be filthy as fuck. And before I go on stage, he'll come over me and go, dog, do that joke about pulling the tampon out of something. Felipe, it's really weird. The comics that don't do it, like I admire witty comics. Yeah. Because it is not the way you do. I feel that they do a lot more work than I do.

But do you think maybe witty comics might be jealous of the way that you can command a crowd or? Or no. If I was a witty comic, I wouldn't give a fuck what anybody was doing. I know I was, I was leaving. I was, I know you were leaving and you were really thinking about what I spoke about. Like that's how I think about it, to be honest with you. So that's why I like SineTone. I always like SineTone.

I went, I paid to see Jerry SineTone in 90 fucking three or two. I'm gonna see him, I'm gonna see him eventually. The ticket to a buck on the corner now, I think I paid like $28. I got a good deal back then. So that's why that conversation arose on the Rogan podcast. Not because I went up there planning on telling the shit stories. They took me by surprise too. It took me by surprise when, let me tell the second one.

The blow job? I am all the one in Kentucky. Whatever that time was. Yeah, you know, I told Tom. I had, we were in Brea one night. And I told the, I told the story on stage. And this was way before storytelling was around. This is when we were doing Brea.

It was like a hundred people there. And I told that stupid story of me going to a club and the girl. I can't believe I said that I only want to say it on this fucking podcast. So disgusting. It's all those disgusting stories. We were just on the fucking roll on the Rogan podcast talking to shit. So it went kind of fucking right, you know. It's just, as a podcast fan, it's pretty cool.

Just a thousand. Like, I don't know any other podcast that's gotten that, to that number yet. Especially with him and you on the show and, and the girl. I mean, how many, you must have been on that one 30, 40 times, 20 times. I don't know. I don't know. I try to really space them out. Like I said, I can call him and go on there every two weeks.

And he'll make up some show and why he's put me on there. Number one, I don't want to affect our friendship. And number two, I don't want to do his podcast every week. Right. No, I know. I want people to go, what the fuck? You're on, you live on there. So I do do one thing, people.

This I do do. I do know that when I go on this podcast, I'm fucking prepared. I'm like, I go to bed early a night before I do exercises. The one night before I go up there, I want to be mentally prepared to deal with him in that podcast that I will not lie to you that I do. Well, I think even just going back to the catalog with it, with the ones that you've been on, the early, early, early ones, like people are favorites. Like, I don't know that I don't remember the numbers, but some of the early ones,

when you guys were on the couch or like someone's going to eventually do a podcast history course. Like, the other podcast that I remember going on there and really fucking laugh at was the prison one. That was the first time I remember. Like, there was two points in my podcast career that I really remember laughing from my heart, like that I was almost going to die when you were talking about them screaming. When I was talking about, no, not the Burt Prysher podcast. Okay.

One time, one of the first times I really discovered laughter on podcasting was Felicia and I were doing a podcast. Now, Felicia loved the spit thing. What do you call the black little circle you put in front of the microphone? Oh yeah, pop filter. Pop filter. And we would sit a certain way that I really, I could see Felicia but not really.

And we were talking about something and I told the story about when I mugged the hooker and lit her wig on fire. Like, that was like out for some reason. Again, the best stories come out not when you plan guys. It's when you don't plan them and you lay something and the timing is right and nobody pauses you. Are you realistic? Boom. Are you surprised that people have that reaction to mugging a hooker and letting her wig on fire?

The reaction was fucking mind boggling. But the podcast was at such a small level at that time that nobody really heard it. We were getting like maybe 2,000 downloads a week. But the problem with that story is that was the beginning of my podcast career. Because I'm telling the story and I'm not looking at Felicia Michaels. I'm looking straight ahead while I'm telling the story. And all of a sudden when we told the story about dragging the chicken to the cemetery and fucking making a strip.

I look over Felicia the corner of my eye and her jaw is completely fucking dropped. And if you listen to the podcast and she was editing them at that time, but if she didn't edit you could tell I didn't finish the story because looking at her and I knew we were onto something. I knew that day when I saw her jaw drop and then the Rogan podcast when I told the story about going to prison. And this you know guys as fucked up this is sounds these couple of days were miserable. But then again they were fun.

I had gotten sentenced August 15th. Okay on August 18th I got shipped to Summer County. I stayed in Summer County for maybe a week. So maybe like on the 25th I went to the Department of Corrections. And that's when you go to Canyon City you go to Processing. I sat in there for four days and then five more days of processing. And then they said they were going to send me to Missouri here there. But blah blah blah.

Well guess what bitches. I don't want to go to Rifle. I want to go to Rifle Prison because see if they still got a prison in Rifle, Colorado. See if they still got a prison in Rifle, Colorado. This was crazy. Rifle, Colorado was five hours from Boulder at the time. It probably still is maybe four and a half if you're fucking lucky. Yeah.

But they still have it. Rifle Correction Center. Let me see pop it up on the screen there. This is crazy that 30 years later they still got this fucking place. So everybody told me I was eligible for two places at that time. I was eligible for Rifle or I was eligible for Golden which was Camp George West. You want to click on to it? Which one do you want?

There's got to be a web page or something. This was crazy guys. This was the place where you wanted to be in the system because they had a swimming pool. You got a job at the swimming pool or you got the job at a movie theater. Or you got a job at the ski slope. This was the fucking prison I wanted to be at. And I got a fucking tap on the fucking shoulder one morning. Waked the fuck up, cocksucker.

We're taking you to your destination. And I look at the guy and I go if I go in a rifle he goes no. You're going to Golden to Camp George West. And I freakly. Yeah that's not scary. There's nothing on that. I freak not because I'm scared. I don't even tell you about the movie theater and the pool.

No they won't tell you about that. Maybe it's changed now. But I freak because the whole time they were telling me I was going to go to Camp George West. They were going to tell me I was going to rifle. I had all the qualifications in the world to go to fucking rifle. They were like ah we don't know about Camp George West. Camp George West is very selective.

They're not going to probably take you because you had a violent crime. I would tell them it's not a violent crime. They would say it depends how they look at it. And ba boom ended up in Camp George West. I got there. I met with a counselor and right away they tell you go to they'll tell you go see the kitchen. But the inmates will go you don't want a job in the kitchen.

For me Lee I had gone through 20 days of what I thought was going to be hell. What I thought I thought I was going to get raped. I thought I was going to get beat up. I thought somebody's going to want to come up to me and fuck me or something. Nothing happened. I read a book. I got off the marijuana habit.

I realized I could live without marijuana. I realized the crime I had done and there was nothing I could do. There was no escape. I wasn't thinking of escaping. There was the appeal process and there was the what the judge had told me that in 120 days to file a motion for reconsideration sentencing. And that's all I could do. And here I was.

The place I didn't want to be at. I didn't want to be at Camp George West. I didn't even know why. That's how dumb I was at that. That's how fucking dumb I thought you wanted to be there. No. And guess what Camp George West was 45 minutes from Boulder. Like I could have people visit me there.

But I want to do my time in rifle because everybody said I'm right for you. You can fucking do this and do that and go to the movie theater and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so when I went to Camp George West. Once I got there I was like holy shit. I hit the jackpot. We just didn't know it. No, I didn't know it.

I didn't know I was fucking 40 minutes from the house and I didn't know like getting a job. Like they said to me don't get a job in the kitchen. No, you don't want to work in the kitchen. What do you want to work? You want to work outside. You want to work on, you know, fucking there's a janitor maybe in the laundry room. You want to work maybe get permission to go outside.

Those people who you see on the side of the roads picking up shit. That's what he wanted you. Yeah, I wanted to be outside in the sun. Because people could drop off packages for you. So I could tell you where I'm going to be. And you could tell me where a package is. And then on the way back they really don't search it. You throw it in the back of the truck, one of the bags and they don't search it.

They trust you. It was crazy. All those guys were making money in prison. And I thought I was going to do the same thing. So no, no, no, no, no, no. The guy says to me blue, Mr. Blue. Because before when I got there, you have to wait online to talk to your counselor. So the inmates were coming up to me asking me questions.

And then they would tell me, listen, if they asked you if you have hepatitis, tell them yet. Like if you had something bronchitis or something, tell them that you've had it so you don't have to work in the kitchen. I go, they're going to look at my medical records. It's the dumbest thing in the world. Why was it good to have that? I don't know because then you couldn't get a job in the kitchen if you at one time had an pneumonia.

I forget what the disease was that you had to have to not work in the kitchen. I was just about to say how brilliant all these people are. But then they have weird stuff like that that just doesn't make sense. So I would want to be in the kitchen. I went to the counselor and he goes, what are you going to do when you're here? What do you want to do? And I don't know what type of program you got. And he told me that I was good aptitude-wise.

I should really consider being a judge, like an attorney in the jail. And I told him that wasn't going to happen. That was it. He goes, go see the dude in the kitchen. He's looking for people. And he goes, have you ever had hepatitis or whatever? And I go, no. He goes, go see the dude.

I didn't have to go in that kitchen. I did not have to. People only don't go in the kitchen. And I was like, you know what, man, I'm just happy to be here. I'm going to go to the kitchen. And I went to the fucking kitchen. Mr. Something went, big motherfucking black dude, big fucking black dude. Old Army guy, Navy guy, 20 years serviceman, ran a kitchen in there, you know, high-level kitchen dude.

Oh, I wish I could remember his name. Was he a car or was he a man? No, he was, he was the head chef. He was in charge of the kitchen. He went home every day. He was an outside that came in, big black dude with glasses. He looked like BB King, only six foot fucking six, big dude. You know, he had a couple of black dudes working in the kitchen, a couple of white dudes.

And he goes, you're getting a job in the fucking kitchen. And he goes, you're getting a job in the fucking kitchen. I go, okay. And he goes, can you bake? Bake, I haven't baked nothing in my fucking life, bake. So he goes, you're going to be a baker. So I'm going to have to get up at five and go down there. And the first day I had to make like muffins or something like that, I forget me.

And that was cool. And I got to eat extra muffins and I got to eat extra eggs, which were disgusting. You know, there was nothing, you didn't eat like eggs with a yolk. They were the good eggs. No, these were powdered nasty motherfuckers. So the second day I got there and I had to make cinnamon things, what do you call that? Cinnamon rolls. Cinnamon rolls.

That was my favorite. And you had, you had like, they had like a gun or something. You had to make them a certain size. I didn't want them that size. I wanted them bigger. So I put them all in the oven, dog, the oven caught fire. They get bigger when they put them in the oven. Something fucked up would be bad.

Oh my God. You know, the first batch went bad and the second batch went on fire. Then the third batch, he came out young. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? Nobody's ever been this stupid. Look at the size of these muffins. They look like little flying saucers. You know those things you throw in the Olympics?

They were that big. They were gigantic. And it was like a discus. That's what they looked like. They didn't even taste like cinnamon. They tasted like fucking cardboard. It was horrible. I didn't know what I was fucking doing.

I don't know how to bake. What the fuck do I know about baking? You look like you could learn how to bake. Yeah, nah, nah. That's not my forte. Do you have to have a job in the jail? Fuck yeah. Because that's what gets you a good time.

Like that's what gets you good behavior and stuff like that. So on the way out, he goes, I got another job here. You got your driver's license. I go, yep. He goes, man, it's tough getting somebody with a driver's license in here. Why? Because if you're going to fucking jail, you obviously lost your license. Like they chased you.

Oh my god. Something. There's always something with those guys. There was one guy in there that wasn't gonna, he was young too. He wasn't gonna get his license though. He was fucking 92. They took the license from him for like 30 years. Something crazy.

Something crazy because he led cops on a high speed chase. You lose your, oh yeah. You get all those points. That makes sense. He did something. He did something. I do not quote me on this for sure. But he did something that like high speed and something else.

He drew, because they, you pick up different charges for different things. Like he ran 89 stop signs. So each stop sign is like three points. Like they fucked them somewhere. But yeah, he was like, so nobody has a license. So my job basically was, I got there early. I ate breakfast. I ate what the fuck I wanted to.

I could tell that the chef, the head chef was a black dude. And his name was Spencer Anton. And he was from New Orleans. About 30 minutes out of New Orleans. And he was tougher than that. And he was in there from a voluntary manslaughter. And his sous chef was a black dude named Etchy. I don't know where the fuck Etchy was from.

Then there was another guy that worked in the kitchen. He was on the fry. His name was Big T. He was from Buffalo. Big T was fucking huge, dark. And all you could see. And then one of the fucking dudes that worked in the kitchen was the Crip. To Ray Pile from Denver.

It was like a race thing? Like you didn't want to go in there? No, it was, there was one out of 10 guys that worked in the kitchen. Three of them were white because Mr. Yarl Burl. That was his name. Mr. Yarl Burl was black. So he liked the black invicts. So in the mornings I had to get there and carry out four boxes of sandwiches.

The trucks. To a truck. A little Toyota truck. And I had to start the truck up. Drive 50 yards to the guards gate. They would open up the guards gate. And then I would drive 100 yards down the road. Where four different vehicles would back up.

And one guy would come out of every truck. I wasn't allowed to get out of the car. One guy would come out of every truck and take out a fucking thing and go in their truck. Before they left, I made a U-turn and went back to the gate. They looked in the truck. They would be watching me. Did he ever guard with you in the car? Did he ever guard with you?

No, no, no, no, it was me by myself. So they let me drive 150 yards one way. And 150 yards the other. So once I did that and I pulled back in. They'd go, Joey, just pull it over there. I'd pull it over there. That was it. All right, so it would probably be 7 a.m.

I think the Invict said either 8 or 8. I would already be fed by 7 o'clock. My breakfast. What I wanted. That's why you like that job. Now the first week I didn't get what I wanted. Because I didn't know the ends and outs. So from there, I went back to my room and took a nap.

I would go back to my room and take a nap. And then about 11.30, I would go back to the kitchen. And that's when the orders and deliveries were coming. For what? The people on the out in the field? No, for the people in the kitchen. What they got. Like canned meat, canned potatoes, chocolate pudding.

All that shit is canned. So what I would have to do is leave, pull the orders out that I would leave for the kitchen. And then take the other orders. I didn't even take them. I had a dude who loaded them and fucking took them on a little car. To the back house. There was a back house about 150 yards from the kitchen.

In the back of the prison, right close to the fence. And there was a camera in the back of the fucking fence. Not the front of the fence. It was crazy. You could do drugs over there and stuff. So once I started, I would go back there, open up the gate. After about a week, they just gave me the keys. So in the daytime, when I wasn't doing dick, I could walk back there.

And I would just go back there and sit and be by myself. And then somebody told me that they don't check the guard check. They don't check that. When the dogs come, they never take the dogs out. They never take the dogs out that far. So your hide stuff there? Well, I consider hiding heroin back there. Bought balloons and heroin.

These Mexican dudes, I was like, sure. And these black dudes came up to me and like, can you hide rigs back there and steroids? How did he suddenly own this thing? I had this, I was stashing this shit in the weirdest places, man. And I couldn't miss a day's work because if I miss a day's work and somebody else had to go back there and pull some, they would find one of the steroids.

I would hide the food. I would hide the food, the heroin and the syringes, either on the pallets, but I hid them in food. And I'd pull the food out and I'd put them like in the middle. So you had to pull off 10 boxes to find that shit, you know. Yeah, so God, how much money would you make off all that and other stuff? $10 a week and a ton of privileges. Like the dudes that brought the heroin in, the Mexican dudes,

if they brought burritos in, I was the first one to get a bag on the home, you know what I'm saying? Bam, right off the bat out of respect. They knew I liked their green chili burritos. I remember the one guy's name was Luis Anaya. And he was about 20-something and his uncle was in there also. His real blood uncle was in there. And he was cooler than shit.

And Luis Anaya was from the east side of Denver. And his uncle was from the east side of Denver. Luis Anaya is his uncle. I don't remember what his name was. He was a little older, but he was really his blood uncle. And they weren't too fond of each other. But that dude used to bring me fucking burritos out of respect because I'd hook him up with the kitchen.

When you work in the kitchen, you can hook people up. Were you getting in trouble for it? No, nobody knew. So you would come to me and go, Joey, man, you know I'm a fat fucking dog, Joey. This motherfucker don't give me enough meat. Give me five bucks. I would take that five bucks and give it to the guy that pours the meat

and tell him when Lee comes by, make sure he gets double the fucking meat. Wow. So then you come to me the second week and go, Doug, can I give you $3 a fucking week? Instead of five and I go, fuck you, you give me $12 a month. I wouldn't even touch it. So that black dude I was giving money to, he's got three kids. He loved me and he loved you.

What is he gonna do with $12 a week? $12 a weekly is $48 a month. When you're in jail and you want to buy cigarettes or you want to go to a Chinese restaurant and not, you know, instead of, can you imagine if you're fighting for your life? If I said to you, Lee, you don't have to send me no money. Oh. And you're like, you know why?

Yeah, but he's not helping his kids at home to sell. Lee, if I'm not taking food out of my wife's mouth, I'm helping my kids in one way or the other. That's also true. And I'm not doing the crime. I'm just giving a little chubby Jew who likes more meat, extra fucking food every week. You know what I'm saying? Plus a hookup.

So now you know that I take care of you. So now one day if I'm in the library and somebody says to you, hey, motherfucker, he'll go, hey, man, no, no, no, no, no, don't mess with Lee. Lee's solid. You follow me. It's business. That black dude that I give the three dollars to, he loves me. How do you get money in prison?

You put it in your pocket. You hide it unless they stop you, which they're never going to stop you. But you can have money because you have to go to the store. Right. Yeah. So you can't just have $3,000 in your pocket. But it's in your account, right? Like that's what I was confused about.

You have money in your account that you could get or you could have money from in there, from selling. Let's say you want to sell cookies. You can bake cookies and sell cookies at night for a dollar. Or trade them with people for cigarettes. Or if they bring burritos on Sundays or shit like that, it's really amazing. You really learn this complete different way of doing commerce. Everything's on the arm and you know the rules.

You can't shake me down because you know that I don't get my potato chips till Thursday. So if I come to you and I go, Lee, you got any chips yet? They're going to cost you two bags, Joey. Good. You don't want Thursday, you get two bags of chips because you gave me one on Tuesday. So now you become a store. You go, you know what? I'm a fucking Jew.

Well, why am I fucking with these black motherfuckers and these white motherfuckers? I'm going to get my own store. So instead of buying two bags, you buy the excess every week. They know what you're doing. From the commerce area? Yeah. You buy, you even go to black dudes and go, dog, what do you want? Choking chip cookies?

Yeah, man. How much you going to charge? I charge you $25 cents on the back. Man, you're stubborn, Lee. I got you. Who got you like Lee Sian does? So that's how the stunt, that guy survives. That's how he gets his cookies.

You know why? Because at night he likes watching a white show and he likes dipping his fucking cookies in milk. That's the only satisfaction that makes him feel like he's at home when he's in a prison cell. Do you understand? You saw an emotion. So they get it. You got to make a living. They got to make a living.

You could also say, hey dog, you work in the laundry room, right? Yeah, hook me up with an extra blanket in the winter time. Bam. You could also say, hey man, you work in the kitchen, right? Yeah. Let me get some extra fucking eggs in the morning. Whatever, Lee, that's the barter system in there. And you look at it and for drugs and shit, it's weird.

But I was never involved in the drug end of it. But is it true like in the movies and TV where they're like, don't do a favor for anybody? Because then you'll owe them something? No, but you know who you're dealing with when you get in there. You feel them out. You smell the people that will come up to you and they're trying. The second day I was there, I still remember what this guy looks like. And I still remember what his two partners looked like.

They came up to me as New Yorkers. What's up, dog? Upper West Side. What's up, Brooklyn? What's up, the Bronx? Three white dudes. They were all filthy fucking junkies. So they came up to me.

What's up? Oh, yeah, you're with us. We're going to hook you up. We're going to teach you what it's all about in here. They carried my shit to my room. They offered me a fucking soul. I told them I already knew what time it was. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

Sit with us in the fucking thing. I sat with them. I could watch every fucking guard watching me. Next thing I went back to my room, I had guards checking me out every 15 minutes. You know why? Because these three guys were heroin mangers. So finally, it took like two days for the fucking clouds to part. And the true colors of them, man, what's up?

Dog, listen, man. I don't know if you know what the game is in here. We could get you the stuff or we could get you the cotton ball afterward. Like to shoot the sheet that doesn't go into the needle. Don't give you the cotton ball. Like you're doing me a big fucking favor. And they'll start with their bullshit story. How about if you let my sister put money on your book?

Listen, man, there's a federal case I got and they got my fucking money tied up. I can't do nothing on my banks. I got my fucking girlfriend giving me 25 bucks a week. Come on, man. No, I can't do it. That's the first nail. Watch, this is my finances. So the first thing they come to you is try to money you somewhere.

There's always a story. I'm not going to do this too. No, you've been long. You've been out there long enough. You know who's looking to take advantage. So once I got that, I met somebody else. I forget who it was. And they told me to stay clear of those people.

But they were just and within two days I was getting piss tested. Because they just saw you with them another year. Yeah, within two days. So I knew right there I avoided all the drug people, all the people that were known drug people. I avoided them. And you know what? I never got a drug test again. The rest of the seven months I was in there.

You never look for coke? Not even once. I knew that I was in there for that and that was the last thing I was going to do. I did not smoke pot either. I did a couple hits of blood or acid. That was it because they couldn't test for that. They couldn't test for it. How is that acid in person?

That sounds terrible. I think what I've talked about once but it sounds terrible. Well, first off, here's the deal. They watch you every night and they watch your patterns. In those days the cameras weren't how they were today. But the guards were very active. Even though it was minimum security, you had to walk through every half hour. And you had two or three different people who did the walkthroughs.

When these people walk through, they look in your room and they're like, Lee Syat is an insomniac. He's got a TV in there. He has earplugs because after 10 you have to put earplugs, like the little white one with one ear. Yeah, the earbuds. Like the earbuds, but there would only be one. So after 10 you were, so let's pretend you did that every night.

To one o'clock you watch TV and some nights the guard would come in and hit you in the foot and go, what are you watching? And you're like this stupid movie with John Candy and it's fucking hilarious. You know, he would talk to you and look at your words, make sure you weren't sweat. Your mouth wasn't moving like you were doing meth. He smelled your breath. Not, he didn't smell it. Like go breathe in my nose.

But when you walk in the room, you can see alcohol. After two months of this, he knows Lee Syat's an insomniac. Okay. So when he walks around at one in the morning and he sees the TV on in Lee's room, he knows Lee's not doing meth. So you, so you don't do the first night you're in jail. You do it once you let them know that you stay up late anyway. No.

So you set them up. Like with my case, I was always an insomniac. Once they took away weed, my sweet sleep problems really started. Not the sleep out yet. That was when my sleep patterns went off. So when I got to this camp, you know, I would lay there for as long as I could. It wasn't cable TV.

You had three channels then four channels. It wasn't cable in prison. Those four channels and you gotta have a hanger in your TV to get all four of them. So at night I wouldn't walk. So I would get out and go in front of my bunker in front of my building. There was a, there was two benches and you could sit on the benches and just sit there. So I would go out there every night around 10 30 and just sit on the bench and look around till midnight and one o'clock.

They would come by and ask, what are you doing out there? Nothing. And then when people found out I do that a couple of people come out of there fucking barracks. And one of the guys that came out was a guy from the library. And he was an intellectual type of guy. And he would just come out and fucking talk to me about whatever. He rolled his own cigarettes. I'll never forget that guy.

Either that, his glasses, the little blue jacket he used to wear. He was the original one of those people I just mentioned with the tight pants. The hipsters? He was the original hipster and he had tight pants already. He wore the janitor's jacket. He had a hat. He had a beard. So he would come over and stand while I was sitting and we would talk.

And then there was a black guy that started coming out and talking to us. And he was like a born again. So we would sit out there till 12 12 30. And they don't mind? No, as long as you get to work in the morning them. We give a fuck if you stay out there all night. And on the weekends, me and that dude would stay out there till three talking shit. About Buffalo history, current affairs.

I would ask him stupid questions about the law. He was very knowledgeable. So the night we did acid, we popped the acid around seven. So it was okay acid hits around eight 30 by 11. We were fucking giggling our asses off. So we split up and we decided to do what we did every night. Go back out there on 12. God just so we weren't back out.

So we were to stay out there from day one. I know some was a something was off course. When something's off course. Two days later, they had dogs in your building or they pitch you or both. Nothing could be out of order any of the nights. That's how they pick back the junkies. Because they'll go by a junkies room and he's sleeping or he's nodding out. They catch those guys.

They're the easiest ones to catch. And they'll go in their rooms that night and not say dick to them. But the next morning, right now they're waking up to fucking 10 dogs and a p-test in two hours. So you go right back to prison. If you come back positive, you go back to the big prison too. They're taking people back every other day. People really think they can get behind and get away with it. They watch everything, but not really.

I have a fun time doing all this stuff. It definitely helps me. It definitely helps me sleep. I can't imagine breaking the law if I can't forbid I ever went into prison. And now it's, I can't even imagine though. I can't even imagine. I was telling people that Boulder, Colorado in 1990, one was voted in the number one jail in the country to go to.

Number two was Craig, Colorado. I'm not even kidding you. I'm Yelp. No, this is way before Yelp. This was just a bunch of inmates. I had just started comedy. And I'll never forget reading that. I wrote a joke about try that gum four out of five dentists surveyed recommended.

And I wrote a joke that you hear that Boulder was voted the number one jail in the country. Four out of five convicts surveyed recommended. Boulder County jail, the other county jail. That was the fucking truth. Boulder jail was the number one jail in the country where people wanted to be locked up. Because they gave you juice. They gave you milk. They had cable TV.

They had carpeting. They had couches and carpeting in the fucking jail. Who did the survey? They asked a bunch of convicts from across the country what was the number one. And like Anchorage, they had the top five fucking jails, the top five county jails. That's so funny. And Boulder County was number one. People would go to Boulder and come out of misdemeanor.

Wouldn't be able to pay the fine. Just to try it out? They would go to jail for the winter. Just to the paying rent. They would go to Boulder County jail for the winter. They gave you cigarettes. Three squares. You got to do exercise.

You go to church. Other people who do that look like they jail off. They do that brother. Oh no. They fucking do that. Idiots. Now listen man, that's the mentality in there. The one that, the thing that kills you the most.

Talk to a prison. The thing that kills you the most when you get locked up is when you hear people talking about the places where they've been. And we've discussed this before. Oh yeah, I've been to fucking this place. I party with Lisa, I had Uncle. No shit. Yeah man, we party.

I perform in the morning. How the fuck do you party in prison? Hit me. God damn it. I think I lost my glasses. Like, tell me everybody. I think I lost my mediocre. I said I think I lost my mediocre glass.

I got up early and went to write at the coffee shop this morning. Oh that sucks. I think I lost my mediocre glasses. I really like these fucking glasses. But that's what happens when you're an old fuck. I looked in the car. I looked in the house. I looked everywhere and I can't find them.

What's this here? Just don't say that. All right, beautiful. Listen, listen to me. I go to the airports. Sometimes I go to the other night. I went to the county store and my wife took the car because she had to go home. And I took a lift and I gotta tell you something.

I did it online. Some kid helped me at the store because Lee wasn't around. The guy showed up in front of the store within fucking four minutes. We got in the car, hit Laurel King and we were home by 18 minutes later, 16 minutes later. We spoke about sports. The car was clean. He offered me a water. He had a purple light in front that said lift.

I knew he was him immediately. It was just a fucking tremendous experience. Now, lift knows that their drivers will keep them moving. So they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip. It's a simple formula. Happy drivers means happy passengers. And they made me happy that night. Maybe that's why nine out of 10 lift rides get a perfect five star rating.

I gave the guy five plus 22 more. You can earn thousands of dollars. You can earn $100 a week plus tips. You want to earn more money? Drive more. It's never been easier to give yourself a raise. Nice and easy. You're not doing nothing.

You're sitting around getting your car and doing three or four runs. You finish up your little other job. Boom. You do two more runs. You're earning. That's the most important thing. You're earning. Lift was the first rideshare platform with tipping built right into the app.

Because getting tip shouldn't depend on your passenger having a crumpled building in their pocket. You dig. You keep 100% of the tips and they add up fast. Drivers have been paid over $200 million since the feature was first introduced. And Express Pay lets you get paid almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks. Lift has even taken the guesswork out of pickups. The new app device uses color coding to help passengers find their drivers.

I'm telling you, it's a beautiful thing. So do yourself a favor. Go join the ridesharing company that believes in treating its people better. Go to lift.com slash joey today right now. Go and get a $500 new driver bonus. That's lift.com slash joey. Again, that's lift.com slash joey. Limited time only.

Terms apply. You're just sitting there. Take a chance. Columbus did number two. I've been telling you this for weeks, people. On it. On it. On it.

I've been hitting jiu-jitsu when I'm at home sometimes four times a week. You think that's because I'm better than you know. I'm a fat fuck. I still suck at jiu-jitsu. But every time I go, my wind is better. My recovery is better. Why? Shroom tax board.

That's why. The hand force protein helps your recovery also. Every scoop is 16 grams of protein. Oh my god. I can't tell you all the good stuff they have. New mood, shroom tax immune, not to mention alpha brain. You don't like it? They give you 100% money back guarantee and then I want the product back.

When somebody does something like that, I know you're not fucking around. Anyway, you put it. I love you guys. Don't forget Thursday, Friday, Saturday, the Ontario Improv. If you don't want to pay 100 for fucking Mayweather, McGregor, come on down, bitches. Lisa Yad, I want to thank you for being the co-host of the year. Cugsuckers, stay black. I'll see you motherfuckers on Wednesday.

I got a surprise guest tomorrow night. You'll get it on Wednesday. Stay black. I am anger, on the pressure. Last in cages, I'm pregnant. The first to escape. I am wicked, I am a legion. Strength in numbers and I, the number is one.

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I No one in the war I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I I, I, I, I, I Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa mmmp i'm surging at a halt giving i think the tanker

the maker of war i practiced your basic but with a smile all together you will never be stronger though than me I, I, I, I am right here on my own But I still round to I, I, I

Don't follow behind, just leave me on the outside I, I, I, I am standing alone But I can't stop you, I, I, I I'm the edge of the plane, I know what makes the hero, please No, no, no, no, no, no I am a murderer No, no, no, no, no Feed my head

No, no, no, no All together, you'll never, never Make the hero, please No, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no