Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #510 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 23, 2017

Bert Kreischer, Comedian and Host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first pair and free shipping.   LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 08/22/2017.

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happening now Wednesday August 23rd 2017 get your shit together sounds like a guy fighting his way out of a prison raid we ain't fucking around here elbows and assholes take that oh yeah are you fucking kidding me or what again you filled the animal oh here's what black people are black people you understand listen to that music anything can happen church what's happening now you bad motherfuckers

bird krisher my favorite Christ killer Lisa yeah it's gonna be a good one motherfuckers ready here you go baby put your head down here we go give it to me open that little bet so church what's happening now how bad of a jam is that that's fucking amazing you know what's crazy she didn't do it out anymore live after she became a born-again Christian cuz people start fucking in the audience right you hear that song you like what

it's like my dick how about you with the Yankee had a birth crisis here this evening it's a late podcast but that's how we do it we got to put the girls to sleep I didn't take the girl swimming today she got promoted to the higher class she was jumping really you know she sits in there for 30 minutes and it's like a constant smile and every 10 minutes she looks over the watch if you're watching them and you have to give my heads up yeah saying they go fucking bananas she got out where'd I take them to eat tonight took them to they wanted to go to fucking jersey mice yeah she kept saying she wanted to go

to the salami restaurant which made me think what the fuck who's giving out dick was giving out stinky fucking Italian dick around here so we went in there you know it's a real pleasure especially where I came from you came from a tight-knit family to be doing the little things I do we go home we fucking go on the computer I make a type in Smurfs and fucking trolls and spell for me we sit there and then after 15 minutes she looked me straight in the face she goes daddy and you leave now okay thanks for throwing me out of my fucking office yeah and that's it that's that's my nights you just dress 15 minutes she

goes you know what take a fucking hike yeah and I bet you go through the same thing at a different level in your home today I said to me I said I said I was working and she said she pulled me aside in the room and goes hey could you not work so much and I said no she goes no I mean like is there a way for you to like work one less day a week she's you're working every night and I feel like I don't get to do things with you I was like I know but that's kind of my job happens at night and I try to do stuff during the day I worked all day today too and all night and then I said okay I said don't worry I'm doing Joey's

podcast tonight but I'm not gonna get picked up till 9 that's your bedtime so we watch wreck it Ralph and I said to her at 8 30 I said now Joey may come at like 8 45 so just so you know I may have to leave early and I just kind of roll her eyes got real frustrated and then I and then you called and you called right when the movie ended I said Joey's outside and Ali goes you held your promise I was like yeah of course I didn't I would have left at 8 45 but she talked about on my podcast I was doing the intro to my podcast this afternoon when she walked in the man came and started talking about all the

podcast but yeah that's fucking sucks they grow up man I said I wish I had listened to you guys earlier I think it was a mistake doing travel channel as long as I did I needed to do it because I needed the money and I enjoyed the experience I had a great time but I was gone for such long chunks that I really missed out on a lot of shit you know what I mean and then on the weeks I had off I do stand up and it was just burning it at both ends I had a dad who worked at night and yeah he wasn't there as much but I mean college for me was 50 grand a year when it's going when your kids go to school it's gonna be a

hundred grand a year yeah so like you'll need that like it's I don't know you become a comedian and for some of us you know I mean one thing about me is I got a job three months into comedy that paid me 200 hours a month doing comedy yeah which not a lot of people have now I got 25 bucks a night yeah that's when I first started yeah so it's like now if I did one show a week that's what I got paid for you know leave from 1991 and I got no reason to bullshit to 2001 it was basically hand them out yeah like we were talking about taxes I didn't pay taxes from 91 to 2003 when I went to the IRS they said listen it's we only go

back seven years we only go back seven years and I laughed and I said I'm a standard we started getting into the conversation like I'm a standard comedian started 91 yeah I didn't make a dime like I was making I could have collected food stamps yeah it was like eight grand a year when I lived in Seattle I lost money when I did the math it was like 8600 hours that one year 95 I made but you know you you look at the years that you start for and then life starts becoming life but then life throws a curveball at you it gets you a hot-ass girlfriend and you're living it all and you're doing stores comedy spots at the

store next you know Judd Appletoe calls you you do two episodes of crashing now you're selling tickets let me ask you something and let me ask the people at home you know you have this family but at the same time you have this job that Thursday through Saturday you're gonna start small you're not gonna start at 25 hours a night and also the more you go out the more you build an audience and the more money you make it's a no-brainer but it's just like anything else in life Bert not everybody is the same my first love of this comedy game was Richard Pryor my second love was Andrew Dice Clay and then Bill Hicks and then

Kenison but in there was a guy by the name of Joe Rogan and I really learned a lot from him and he was the luckiest man in the world because he creates his own opportunities he got a news radio and news radio ended when the guy got shot basically then he had like a year off he already had that notoriety I still remember he told me once what they were paying them on the road when he was on news radio there was nothing really and then one time they offered him carolines like three days before and he got a first-class ticket that was a hundred dollars more than what they were paying them he told me the

story like they weren't paying them dick on the road really yeah in the road the very after news radio then when fear factor came he got busy but all this should happen and he was like he was burning the candle at both end but I noticed that fear factor was paying him which gave him a big advantage over a lot of other comics that they don't necessarily need to go out yeah when you buy a three million dollar house because you're making 20 grand for two years and all of a sudden your show gets canceled and your crowds go to half guess what you're in a fucking predicament yeah that means you got to go out 50 weeks a

year to keep the fucking lights on and you put your kid in Campbell Hall that's another 34 which is starting to crack me up I couldn't wait to have you on the podcast to talk about like the school that your daughter goes to or both of them and the one mind's gonna go to supposedly I even went and looked it up it's a high rated fucking school in the valley number one school in the valley but you'll talk to people and when you ask them where your kids gonna go they'll tell you how they go to go to a private school and then when you tell them you're gonna go to that school they roll their fucking eyes I I've had this ten times

the last two weeks I even had a kid that was selling lemonade on the corner I went with my daughter I see this poor kid with a mother 90 degree he's selling fucking lemonade I run home I see I go come on girls let's take a walk let's say you know studio studies are nice fucking play a little walk yeah walk we get to the corner the girls five you know right away she starts torturing mercy you know you're falling five you're still a baby and mercy is like a fucking bitch give me some lemonade look dad can I fish on her little fat girl wanted a dollar for the fucking glass of this lemonade so the little girl asked

mercy are you in school yet and mercy goes yeah you know I got a wife and mercy doesn't know what the fuck's going on the girls torturing yeah she goes like out of this school and my wife asked the mom well don't you live close to she was here right down the block she was why wouldn't you go to this grammar school and little girl goes yeah like I kind of this go I don't mean my daughter and my fucking wife looked at the little girl and the mother finally goes don't say that like where'd she hear that from yeah she heard it from you you stanky fuck so as we're walking back that's why she's my blood and my

daughter and that's why I go on the road and do this shit I don't want to do yeah she looked at me she was daddy she was mean and I didn't like her lemonade anyway she just threw it up in the fucking and that's why I fucking stay at home two weeks of fucking that's when you go and get her pony right now fucking what's his name was here three weeks ago who this guy goes on the road every weekend he's 60 I'm embarrassed who run like run white I'm embarrassed by the same time he has no children yeah he's got a son he's got somebody's an older son works for him and I think he just I'm yeah he just got divorced yeah he's

got a worry so if I was him I'd live on the road I live on the road when you have nobody at home listen you know many times on a Friday I'm sitting on my couch and I go yeah you know my wife just informed me that she's going to a fucking women's party with the kid tomorrow around the corner and Sunday they got church I'm gonna fucking see you anyway I got a spot here what what stay home for yeah if my wife's on a period I don't I definitely on the road you pick the one I'm on her cycle yeah you always did I said keep me in town for the girls birthdays Halloween Halloween Mother's Day Thanksgiving

Christmas I gonna work New Year's Eve and then every night every time you have a period your period I went on the road and now my daughter's cycle Georgia I shouldn't say that out loud but I guess Georgia is a woman now I don't want to hear this shit and her cycle is the same as Leanne's cycle cuz I guess that's what happens so they all their cycles team up so now I'm out of my out when they're both of them are just both bitches fuck I used to get hooked up with this girl and she let me eat a little monkey whack off on the teddies and shit like that whenever I was in the mood for him but he was a tremendous he had a

take from that yeah and then she played the car like why should she let you eat a pussy for an hour yet but he kept snorting coke and yeah whatever yeah I'm actually know you leave a little monkey and shit I knew her cycle so on those nights when she called me drunk and go where are you I'll be there and I don't fuck you I can't you know her cycle yeah if I can't eat your monkey I'm not wasting the gram on you to take that earbeat without a dick suck it keep that information in your head I just love that you chose just knew from the 22nd to the 27 she's bleeding 22nd to the 27 she's bleeding there's no reason to go

not even to say hello I had a chick let's see what she was on her period once that's disgusting she didn't tell me we're too young we were like 17 and I guess she had her period but she didn't like you know it's like now my wife would just be like I'm on my period you can't do that but I guess it's 17 that's something you just go I won't say that to anybody I'll just hope I hope it's not that bad I was coked up one night Miami and I hooked up with this girl and that she told me from the beginning so I knew I was a dead man oh well after a fucking few grams of coke I said take that little bat out show it to me she

goes I have since I had my period I didn't really shave it she took off her panties it looked like fucking Julia serving it had so much hair I cut through that fucking thing I took that tampon I pushed it to the side that little fuse yeah and I just licked that clip for about 10 minutes until I came in my pants and I just went to sleep that's the only time I ever messed around with a girl at that time in a month so what did you do close your eyes you pay you pass out when I listen I was on fucking two eight balls of coke you could stab me with 22 needles it wouldn't matter at that time I was like Whitney Houston at

the time of that numb that's a Whitney daughter she was so numb she went in the bathtub and she didn't feel the temperature of the water what that's a true story watch fucking autopsy that's why people she didn't die from she died from cocaine but in a different way was it too hot the water was too hot she boiled herself something weird happened to her oh the foot thing and she slipped her head something weird the there's a there's a thing that happens when you get into a really hot bathtub it rises your blood pressure I read a book about this when I was a kid about it they if they don't fuck I forget how it goes but

they were making baths they were giving these people this medication that raised their blood pressure and then giving them and put them in a as soon as they got to a hot bath they just die because I don't know everybody I don't know it's the same reason they see you see on hot tubs people with heart problems shouldn't get into this hot tub if you've been drinking don't get in this hot tub it's because your blood pressure is up I can't go into hot tubs cuz they always get styes I don't know I have bad luck with hot tubs styes yeah well first off who goes into a hot tub it's 2000 fucking 18 I love to go into a hot tub you better

fall and what do I listen to Jimmy Buffett records and drink tequila I would love to have a hot fucking hot tub like a fucking monkey anything get a steamer as fits you know I want to get one of those outdoor saunas yeah little circle wood things yeah I would love one of those all the fucking diseases and all the fucking that is crazy when you think about all the fucking diseases of that are in a hotel pool and then people just getting the hot tub that's stew of just you know there's coming there you know every kid pisses in there nobody takes a shower you gotta assume for some listen for some Americans a pool jump

is a shower yeah some people think by jumping in the pool they get out and clean they don't swipe their ass yeah they don't scrub the nuts the same way dead skin develops around your face you gotta get off of the loofah yeah what do you think develops around your skin when you get a foot come you watch the 600-pound life when you become all those fat fucks and you stop bathing my daughters and I are obsessed with my 600-pound life is that the best show on television obsessed I watched four episodes the two brothers that hated each other those two morons and the one brother that went the one kid that was

on pills that the finally the kid finally said to him you know if the next time you fake pain go to an emergency room and get a prescription they're gonna charge you with a felony because you've already exceeded the amount of lifetime prescriptions a person could get in Texas really you know when you're a fat fuck I think that that show does something to you have to watch and go I don't want to be that person but those people who that happens to it's a toss up I sit there and watch it and I want listen to their words and I watch their environment and I think what happens like the fat dude was on pills you know

what makes a person go you know what I lost my job and part of it could be the beginnings of depression but now a depression is worn off and there you are 800 fucking pounds later yeah and see it was a weird thing about this show like there's a lot of people who wind on it like who like pretend like they're trying to lose weight there was a couple like women on the first cuz I haven't had cable for a couple years so the for the first few seasons there were some women who just like would just lie and they had cameras in their faces nobody nobody showing what they eat nobody is going to oh yeah everyone lies about what

I mean it's no it's it's a sickness absolutely one kid that was eaten how many pizza pies to get up in New Hampshire the brothers that was the one kid oh yeah yeah yeah he would call his father from Houston to order Domino's for him and Houston and dad was in New Hampshire yeah he was ordered was he not eating eight pizzas a day it's you know I'm I don't I deal with the I think my real addiction in life is food meaning like like tonight when I go home it's gonna be really it's a real battle for me to just go lay in the bed and go to sleep and I want to eat something when I get home like and I've been there where

you just go fuck it and then you just start eating and you just can't stop me like I'm already a you know and I but I've and I've been the biggest I was 265 and when I was a 265 party you just like I can't turn this boat around we're sailing so fast in this direction I don't know how to turn this boat around and then finally when you start getting momentum you're like oh there we go it's like it's like I don't know man I empathize with those people I empathize with those people because I go I feel like I'm I've been there I've been there you know I was on my way I would have been absolutely you were huge yeah and

I'm I've gained like 15 20 pounds back I was I was 315 I got down to 227 and I'm 245 247 I know longest yard for a second the fucking when we all jump in the lakes I forget you were bigger than this watch like I forget you were big like whenever this is on like you scroll down and there's a scene that it says you're the longest your comedy central yeah if it's like the hour mark I'll put it on just to watch that scene and it makes me feel like the 600-pound man I forget I forget you were big and I forget Segura was big you gotta watch this scene like Segura still looks fat to me when I see no Friday he looks tremendous he's a

fucking asshole yeah he looks really good he looks really good he really him and Rogan are like birth came all the way back dude I'm still 222 I was 217 and then I went back up to 222 the other day but but yeah I'm still 222 that's why I float at 220 up and down and so but I'd like to get I don't know if I want to get like I don't know if I want to do my next special at 205 where I look like what are you at right now right now 220 probably 220 222 yeah flooded practice field if you want where you were you at right now today probably three yeah really you don't look like you don't look like you 300

pounds go all the way to the end keep going keep going keep going keep gonna click it there you guys are gonna see something that's really fucking absurd this every time I see this I go oh my god shit I go to the other one hey when you when it was was Chris Rock fun to work with yeah everybody that movie was did you did he hang out or was he go to that one what's saying those guys came and went that's Chris rock like he would come and shoot three scenes and then leave for a week and you can't blame someone like that he's got kids he's keep the marriage together but I do oh if I was that guy I'd be hanging out a

lot oh Chris rock yeah I'd be at I'd be on set fucking around and my favorite things are being on set well he came with his family you know we shot long days and so Colberg yeah some of the guys hung out and some of them did you know look at that that's you look at that just look at that see if the other they have another scene at the end yeah how much were you way in there at that point I was click it to see the third one they have another one to see okay look at that look at my stomach that you're I just saw your face is done your face doesn't even look like you know it was keep going keep going

so we how how big were you have you ever seen the rain scene go up go up go up right there right there how big were you at that point right there I was 380 so you weren't even at your highest no I walked on that set maybe 360 soon as I hit New Mexico I probably gained 15 fucking pounds right off the bat when I got home from New Mexico I went to the doctor because they kept busting my balls about blood pressure what was your blood pressure at the time look at that and I was at I think you know how the scale goes all the way to 350 yeah he kept pushing it and he finally said to

me it ends at 350 but when it's here you're probably at 390 right now wow so that was like what's this now you ready if they keep this fucking saying it who's that guy look at that oh my god but go back and just freeze it on that one pot spot can you yeah that doesn't even look like you Joey now what you don't see is my hands are up yeah that's as high as my hands could probably go then that's number one number two that my stomach was as extended as my chest at the time yeah like I had so much fat over here like that had developed right here really like when I felt his bone I went to the doctor immediately I'm like I got cancer he

goes no you don't touch your fucking like he goes what do you mean you never felt that I haven't felt this in years yeah that's because all that fat I had built out a bunch of fat under my ribs my tits and my fucking stomach were one dude my chest and my stomach were one I do you know my there's pictures of me if you go online you can find them there there's pictures of me just type in fat Bert and man when I was 265 and that's not but it's not it's not far off man that I was I didn't even know I was fat I really did I thought I was like no man I got a big I got a barrel chest I wasn't weighing myself that's the key that's

the key if you weigh yourself if you weigh yourself every day it's held accountable and you find out you really find out shit what did I drink last night oh I ate this I ate that yeah no you fit no yeah yeah I'll show you that's nothing that's nothing that's nothing type in fat Bert pressed in his Steve key scroll down so I'll show you down scroll down scroll down you'll see it me in a speedo in a jean short speedo all right there to the right yeah look at that what were you there 265 drinking fireball and drink and and Jack at six in the morning at pressing a Steve yeah but you know it was a m like Shalom was

there and it was a fun time I had a good time I can't lie to you now when you go to those radio shows yeah you get hammered in the morning you go home sleep at all yeah I don't get so I don't get like you know it's like it's like me eating four or five stars right you get a little buzz but I get buzzed and then and then I go to bed and I wake up and I get on the treadmill and I'll walk or I'll just go right to the club wake up right before the show go to the club but it's not getting like like if my wife did it she wouldn't be able to function but if I can do it very easily I will say that I am I am healthier like

I definitely feel better in the weekend when that doesn't happen like when you go in and do radio and there's no booze and they're like no no like like I'm talking about where I was just that but there was no booze and I was like okay that's fine I don't mind I don't mind not drinking but if they're gonna have a cocktail I'll have a fucking cocktail you know so it's the same way like someone you're not gonna say no you're gonna take a hit you know but those there those radio shows some of them get out of control some of like those calling sick to work tours I do those are insane man I've been on stage where I've

been blacked out not been able to function and then you go home how long you need to sleep to be back that you want to know what happened so I was in Tampa and I do a call six works where I go to Cal head show my Calta I do his show and we start drinking on air and and I and I start drinking Manhattan's and I and I'm not even my car at what time it's like seven in the morning oh shows at 10 or shows at noon but we had done at 10 and we drink all morning and I and I don't feel it I'm really not feeling it and then I get to the club I'm a little buzzed but it's sold out if they've already drank the

club at a beer the fans drank everyone out of beer there's no beer left all they're making is mixed drinks so that means just everyone's already fucking hammered now they get more hammered because they can't get any but mixed drinks so I get on stage and they start sending fireballs like crazy like like but maybe I maybe I did I don't even know how many did I did all I know is I blacked out I did a meet-and-greet don't remember any of the meet-and-greet there are pictures of me with my eyes just like this like my dad picks me up and my parents had built a new house that I'd never been to so I remember my old house

my dad picks me up takes me to my new house his new house that he's living in with my mom I pass out in the guest room I wake up my dad's not there and I have no fucking idea where I am I get up I'm like okay I don't know what state I'm in I don't know like I'm trying you know how you wake up some mornings you're like wait where the fuck am I I'm like am I in Tampa I'm like fuck I'm literally panicking looking around this house I don't recognize anything I've never been to this house and then my dad walks in I go what are you doing here and he's like oh boy buddy you're you're in a rough mode when I picked you up I was like I

didn't know who the fuck's house I was at but yeah those those consticts work shows get out of control now how many hours do you have to sleep to wake up and be tipped out magoo for oh god oh my god for like see like when you come in here and you watch us eat nettles that blows me away and you get blown away I guess but I'm blown away that does nothing like we what you professional do and I gotta tell you something I grew up in a bar yeah I grew up around people who drink you know I know who's faking the funk yeah to be cool and I know who's really rockin yeah yeah a lot of comedians that fake the funk to be

cool yeah that's great I'll tell you a little fucking buddies of the improv that impressed them but I know motherfuckers who really and you're one of those guys and I've always admired that number one I'm a child of the 70s what did you see on TV in the 70s when I was on Rogan's the other day we tried show them the beginning of the original longest yard everybody in the cell that was great everything else in the 70s everybody every TV show at one point of knock on the door open it up come in and Bert would get up and it wasn't like would you like a drink or what yeah drinking you turned around and

there was a glass thing that was brown it could be anything while turkey yeah burb it could be anything and they poured to when they gave you one of the gentlemen drink it what is this is general I'm an anti-biotics right now nobody was an anti-biotics and if you did you would tell somebody just give me the fucking whiskey and drink it you know I tried that Bert I desperately tried to fit in as a drinker early on and it was like I would puke I would pass out but I'm the same way that you are with booze with weed because I don't mind smoking a little weed like I can I have a sit only because I'm running a lot I hit on

this Pax vaporizer and it just it in my opinion I don't feel it in my lungs the next day like I like the Pax but I like the one that you put weed in this is that's this one no because you said it's kind of I got to I got to I don't want to travel with right and I got this one we packed that's the best thing going oven and for me jogging wise it doesn't fuck with my lungs that's the best one because when I when I hit like a giant that this sounds so silly but like if I hit a joint with paper I can feel it the next day when I run listen that's a very LA statement no no it's no I need this weed for my jogging why the fuck

do you think I smoke out of a bomb that could smoke out you had action bronzing on yeah he could smoke for fucking days his first album was fucking for that I just listened to it's great there's there's the song you guys don't play music on here yeah we do what the fuck you and this is the song that I fucking I've just I I man I'm really impressed with that kid yeah me I say kid only cuz I'm so much older than him but uh action Bronson the Dr. Lecter album is it a suede have you heard that I don't know I don't think so is it this one

exhale the fucking essence I love this I just like this beat dude every fucking rhyme he's got I like this one this is one that first turn me on to him rap shit man I stand up I just love that I love the cadence of it you got a hint of retardation I love dude I love action Bronson you know what man I didn't know who he was oh he's great man that's so great from the Rogan podcast oh you guys got a bus gone fucking hammer telling me to bring him on he came on dog he didn't stop

brolin joints he smokes constantly if you can get cancer from marijuana he'll be the test it's hysterical I could go bong the bong I mean I could smoke bongs all fucking night yeah he smokes dad he's a big dad yeah I can't do that sit I'm done with all that shit but why don't you do dabs because I don't want to blow torch a fucking house I listen yeah cuz I guess if you got that blow torch going and you're doing a dab and you pass out listen you like a fucking house on fire it's a joke it's a fucking joke I grew up in the fucking safety on people having a great time people going out and going bird you

want to blast down it's got a grandma blow people having a great time and then one day I just graduated high school and this dude Steve Vatalanus comes up to me calls me and he goes hey man you got some good coke I want to hook up with this dude like all right we got my boy Timmy's listening to this he's dying he gets in the car with me and Timmy's brother Roger and we go down to this hotel in Tonley Avenue Tonley Avenue's like we're fucking crack people hang out there was no crack at that time really it was 19 it was summer of 82 we pull until his nasty hotel he introduced his black dude with a pimp cool as shit you

know I give him the coke I sell it to him he gives me the cash he see taste that he goes it's tremendous he didn't say it was tremendous he says good stuff and he goes you guys ever smoke it and I'm like no and he right there in front of us it was Tony afternoon yeah he cooked it up we you know in those days you had like the vial that you said to right there yeah you'd had one of those was a little thicker you feel it you feel half of it with water and you put a half a gram of coke in there and two points of baking soda and you chicken up shake it up shake it up shake it up shake it up shake it up

shake it up put some heat to it and also the cut would burn out and you get a little rock you had to get a fucking silk handkerchief or pay your father's fucking silk socks and lean it and then put the rock on top of there and then you had to wait five minutes at the hardened and then I had to take the rock cut it up and we'd sit there and put it into a pipe and we had to start the process all over again shake and it was cool for the afternoon yeah but we smoked the whole a bone ten fucking minutes and then I went home but it was interesting to me but already there was a headshot in my own you didn't see New

Jersey I forget what it's called somebody hit me up in two minutes on twitter and tell me east west and they had a fucking starter crack it what starter really free base they called it remember when it came to the scene it was free was not crack it was free base and you went down there and for 50 bucks which was a lot of money I remember paying 50 and going I could just get a half a gram coke why am I doing this at that time I got coke from a guy named camel breath because he smoked camel cigarettes all the time when I felt this and the cigarette is must that orange and his fingers are and do you know that

till today he's still on friend me on Facebook he's still alive oh he's still alive camel breath he's about smoking no I don't he had to quit yeah he's about 70 if I'm 54 he's got to be 70 something oh my god yeah well breath I thought I thought he was middle we used to get coke no we used to get coke from him and he used to sell us coke in a vial already whenever you got coke from the camel yeah if you bought an able to give you instead of giving you three and a half he just give you four tubes and call it even so I went over them boy 12 a balls one night I collected I did they were 60 a piece he was giving

to me for I would sell them 400 he was doing me a favor yeah 82 I would if I was selling for 80 I was still making 20 bucks so I went over that but like fucking 10 of those things and I went to my buddy's house we opened up that fucking kid and me him and another one of us just started fucking doing that kicking it up and I never forget waking up on his couch the next morning it was three of us everybody was sleeping on the table and every single coke bottle that I had was turned upside down like an order yeah like bullets and I'm like oh my god we smoked all that shit last night at the end of the day just wasn't

worth it how do you pass out when you do that much we were doing quailudes then oh is that what you did yeah we were fucking whatever you hung out with my man see that's my thing that I don't I won't do is if I I feel like if I have a if I have a heart like I had a real rough week partying in New York I thought I might have done drugs I'm not certain I was pretty blacked out one night and I don't I don't ever black out but I was definitely blacked out and I saw someone else do drugs and I he doesn't do drugs at all at all I saw two people do drugs that don't do drugs and I went I just I remember giggling at it and then I woke

up and I was like I think I fucking did drugs last night and I was shaky like shaky and then I went in I did Jim and Sam and had a big cup of coffee and then me and Sam went to go see Planet of the Apes the new one and I went home and I was like fuck man I can't operate but I won't take a Xanax to chill out and just go to bed because I feel like hey man if you're gonna dig these graves you got to live in them like you you know what I mean does that make sense you don't know I had my you got to pay the piper you can't fucking I'm punitive about that like this morning I woke up I did a podcast with you know Adam Rand

and Brad Williams and we got pretty fucking lit Adam Ray smoked Adam Ray smoked two joints just by himself just by himself I told him you and Adam you and Adam would get down I think both home like he's a big wee guy but we stayed up until like midnight I go to sleep at like two I wake up at seven I have a callback for a voiceover and I go I'm punitive I go nah man you're not allowed to be that party guy and not work out so I get on the treadmill and I run two really hard miles I walked one intermittently and then ran two really hard miles no I was like fuck it here we go and then I got skate sweating I get

in the shower I keep I get in real hot shower so I keep sweating I get out of shower let me keep so self keep sweating to get all the impurities out and then I roll into the voiceover and I felt really good I felt fantastic girl said how do you how you doing today I said probably the best I've been in a while I love that feeling got in the new car drove the new car oh it was a fucking great morning and then I went down to all things comedy shots and promos came home had dinner I'm here but I didn't feel so good this morning you just got to punish yourself don't be don't go American with it punish yourself don't

say I'm gonna tap out take his annex say I'm getting on the treadmill I'm gonna do kettlebells or I'm gonna go to jujitsu I'm gonna do you said it today I'm do I smoked all that all that joint I'm doing two sessions of jujitsu tomorrow that's well if you're not you put punitive I don't think you succeed when I was about 14 I started getting popular you know my freshman year I started fucking around and seeing other people first I just stood my neighbor my hometown is really big there's seven grammar schools I kept in my own grammar school but after a while you stretch out into other territories and kids and

those are the fun times those are the fun times and I'm not with these kids that had older brothers and their older brothers work the shit yeah so whenever they had parties it bought me a pass to go into those parties so it's probably my freshman year like April it's not hot yet but it's not cold yet they lived maybe three quarters of a mile from my house and the beauty about this family when my mother died they asked me if I'm gonna live with them and I really didn't know them that well and I thanked them but they had a shed and the one that was my age you we would get together five nights a week in the shed no heat yeah

no heat New Jersey November you come all we smoke 25 joints but they know he yeah the nights we spent out there but it was one of those nights and he called me up he goes my brother's having one of his fucking crazy parties it's only gonna be me you and Conti that are invited from our age group don't say nothing they just don't want no younger kids there yeah you know and I went expecting to get abused a little bit that's what you do when you're a sophomore and you're in a room with seniors yeah especially after they won the state championship and football and they're all fucking yoked and you know so I go down there and a

matter of fact that wasn't what it was it was very nice to me but these guys weren't druggies they were fucking crazy white boosters so what they did was they would do things that nobody else did at parties again that's what I loved about them like this particular party they just went shopping and bought every fucking flavor of booze they can and they took a garbage can and they put a baggie in it and they just filled it up with fucking booze ice cubes and fruit they made a hunch punch it tasted like garbage but they also went and killed the 100 bees and threw them in the punch what to flavor the food yeah yeah everything

with these guys was pure savagery one time they had a Christmas party and I walked in and there was a table and they were breaking glass on the table they were eating glass at a party they were fucking nuts they were nuts and that's why I liked them they went hunting for bees and sprinkled and cut their heads off or cut the stings off and threw them all this fucking so you didn't know what the fuck you were drinking in there they threw a mask in there you know but you didn't know till you get there I'm fucking 14 you know like I said I'm a pot smoker at that time I did a little masculine I had done angel dust maybe

once or twice I'm not a professional they went bee hunting I don't know where you find bees they went they killed them and then they cut their fucking stingers off and they threw them into this punch and me stinky a villa go to this party and I don't know nothing about nothing they're pouring it with a ladle into your class and there's one guy that would come up to you there's one guy that would come up to you and just punching the chest every time by boom let me see that fucking glasses and empty I mean he would just cave your chest do you know that in this story I see a punched up version of your album

cover you ever see Joe you know Joey's album cover of like I do all I see is like a little bit bigger version of that kid so he that kid that is my favorite picture you Joey oh that kid that but can you pull that up real quick so I can see it savage dad no no no documentary I splat those hams what did your mom say splat those what are you I'm Daly Hamon Daly Hamon when there's a part of you that I don't think everyone knows about me but before I even met you I was on the road doing travel channel and I become a fan of Rogan's podcast and I knew Tommy I knew Ari a little bit and I kind of knew red band and I didn't know

you at all but you guys were my favorite ones to listen to and so I would put you guys on in the bed next to me in the bed all my iPad and I just let it play because I had anxiety on the ropes I was doing crazy shit and I was like oh it's like my friends are in the other room and I'm home although even this sounds so crazy but not to anyone listening because you know what you're saying you know what I'm saying but like even though I wasn't even didn't even know you I still felt like my friends are in the other room I didn't even know Joe at the time but I still felt like my friends are in the other room I love that fucking

picture that is where I where I get my balls from that is my favorite that is such a great fucking picture if I tell you something guys let me tell you the fucking story behind this picture that is my mom came from my mom came from dead guys it was nine kids and two parents in a bedroom and my uncle told me that they used to fucking look at the bracelet the bracelet in those days was two of these was two of these really cut so you see it's a double bracelet but let me tell you the story behind this guys just to show you I think I'm rogan one time I said immigrant mentality and people always make fun of me and shit my

mom grew up in this thing and what my mom told me one time is that since they were so poor they didn't celebrate birthdays and it always bothered my mother but the mother likes other than like my grandmother yeah believed in it but my grandfather didn't because they were so poor they didn't want them he couldn't give them a gift so you wouldn't celebrate that birthday so my mother always swore that if she ever had a family on that kids or daughter's birthday she would lose her fucking mind my mom would work hard all fucking year to wait for this my mom's big season was from December 17th to January

7th if I brought you to the bar from the 7th to 17th to January 7th if you were 13 or 12 yeah and you came in and acted cute from my mom my mom would give you 50 bucks and say and so now you like my mom but that's at the point yeah the point is every year she would hire the photographer from the New York City newspaper the Spanish newspaper and this guy would come to my mother's bar from the age of three that I came from Cuba and every February 19th that whole week my mom would take those suits a tailor-made really she would tailor-make those two of them I'd have a morning party and a night party you

ready this is what Bert Kreischer would have felt right into my family the morning party was children children under 12 children under 18 they came there was ham there was bocalitos little nice sandwiches ham deviled ham Cuban style oh white bread have you ever had that fuck that's what else I gotta show you Lee when I show you this you might be saying I I was gonna go to Boston to visit my mother but me and Paul are gonna go to Miami now I can't take it I'm gonna fuck listen I'll eat those are like fucking 10 cents a piece it's on wonderbread Lee it's a devil's ham Cuban style I'm wonderbred they cut the edges

off Lee once you bite into it you're done so I'm not getting anything until I get a pepper on that thing so you see that that's ham there's bocalitos so here's what gets interesting I see the happy birthday in the back this is this is on the board oh shit this is this is this is the daytime party my mother's big highlight was the daytime party there was a pinata and when you pulled the string it was for kids yeah and there would be like candies and stuff but there would also be like $20 bills for the kids what and there was an adult pinata that's when all the kids went home and the parents came I'd come out

with a different suit the parents know my mother was a speck I would listen I remember was a stick you have no idea my mother was a speck speck you know the speck of speck is she took it to that that I had that bracelet on by the time I was two like I had a man bracelet on when I was two for the adult party she would put little aluminum falls or cocaine for the adults and put them in the pinata and I'm 9 30 they pulled the string and all these adults would be on the floor looking for cocaine and shit oh and she would take me go go in there get in there and mix it up with those and pick up all the aluminum falls that

you see for mommy and I remember I knew it was in those foils I knew it was in those walls I may believe I didn't know it was in those floors I haven't heard the term speck in so long yes in these like that was that was it growing up in high school that was and I and I say this like I'm sure there's there's no one PC listen to this podcast like well growing up that's what we call like that was it was just like a term of endearment well when the specs came out you were you're from where Tampa yeah so Spicks all we're all Cubans Jesus Christ we got to deal with these Spicks on the other side of town now what's the name of

the town I remember I remember they're going what it like I remember going up to a lunch table and go oh hey can you speak over Spicks was like it was a great nickname I'm sure it was offensive to guys that you know like a very offensive of a Spanish generation very offensive you know a stance for yes I thought so what isn't just for Spanish people no you did there's spic is a acronym okay I know I think I heard Spanish people in our country oh my god Spanish people in command bitch Jesus Christ take to the part of a documentary where Carmine Balzano says

it when I was I love that picture there's a morning party or a night party that was the morning party see the kids in the back do you remember that picture at all yeah so listen my mom would take them and put them in albums she'd take them so when I was the last party she after me was when I was 14 so she had basically 11 albums from this country yeah from those parties they were wrapped they were thick and then went from the beginning me walking into the bar on the ice February 19th to all the way I could look at I could I could literally can I can I man you know Segur and I were talking about you the other day behind

your back in the best possible way you were so funny on Rogan and you weren't you weren't trying at all that there's a thing about your personality that that is it's almost like the the top of the mountain when it comes to like guys like me and Segura who found our voices on podcasting but like you are so in the moment you could tell a story better for the first time than I could tell a story better working on it for four years does that make sense and I'd even say that about you like you telling a story for the first time it has such a genuine energy and we were like God man like thank God a medium like this came up I'll

say this for me thank God a medium like this came along for me me too because but me and you me and you and then like miss Pat like so we would have been dead without this medium right now fuck I said I said I said my agent or I said my agent maybe or someone over there we were talking to about about social me and they're like well you've really blown up on podcasting and I said yeah but I think podcasting from and I use me and you interchangeably only because because I think it's done really good things for our careers but I go I know 10 people it's done great things yeah I can get 10 people who are doing tremendously

different who started podcasting took them a while to get it going yeah and once you pick up the momentum and it's just being honest being consistent phonies get faded out of podcasting very very quickly and okay you know you'll see them they were in the first they were in the first run of Rogan when Rogan was like let's have this guy on and then he's just like I'll never have that guy on again it's tough talking to a guy doesn't know who he is like I'm not so I look now I'm starting to get buzzed but like I'm not I'm not talking shit but I'm just saying like you'll see the guys that don't do podcasts their acts are a

little bit like inflated it's not really who they are they are they're not all true you know but the guys the podcast is just people who would have had a hard time being phony in Hollywood but can be very genuine in those moments and I was saying to someone I was saying you know Twitter blew up there was a guy I forget his name I'm Rob Delaney right it was a guy that blew up on Twitter it was because Rob Delaney is a great writer he's a really smart guy he's a really he's got a ship together and in 160 characters he can write the best joke you're gonna see in a while Jenny high five Johnson Kelly Oxford all these

people were really smart really great at like conciseness of words and then podcasting showed up and guys like me and you were like I mean us to this day the hardest I've ever laughed on a podcast ever was when you will me use deep right as easy Rogan we're all sitting at that table and in the ice house Chronicles and you're like dog you ever break into a house is a chicks house on a quail and eat a pussy and you know that doesn't work on Twitter but the way you did it then all the sudden you go oh this is my new best friend this is the person I want to be around a lot when you said blue cheese with or over ranch or

go fuck your mother like those those things they don't fit on that doesn't make sense on Twitter where you can take things out of context but in a world where you like to be in context like I like being in context and that's where it's like when I said spic earlier if you take that out of context I sound like a really horrible person but but I'm not a bad person I'm telling you a story about my life about interacting with all Cuban kids growing up and the word spic being interchangeable for buddy or that guy or you know so I'm sure you threw those picks off the table they were your buddies you know Spick taught

me how to fucking tell a story fuck you sit with a group you sit with a kid a table of Cuban kids and you and you know I'm not saying like I'm the white kid like I was under a privilege it was a private school but like you sit down with a table of Cuban kids all their dads have big personalities all them have big personalities there wasn't like I don't remember one quiet Cuban kid growing up Tyra Rodriguez I mean that motherfucker made me laugh harder than I was ever made me laugh when we were in Mr. Mercandante's religion class Tyra Rodriguez sat behind me and Mr. Mercandante said when Jesus was at the

top of the cross he called Peter to his feet he said something to Peter do you know what he said to Peter Mr. Christ your what did he say to Peter like trying to stump me I don't know what he fucking said to Peter and Tyra Rodriguez leaned up behind me in my ear he goes he said I can see your house from here and I fucking died laughing but my personality was developed around guys like that like that's that's you know I'm gonna tell you something and I'm gonna be as honest as I can with you they listen there's a lot of mediums where people excel and they excel for different reasons and I believe in one thing I

believe in hard work yeah I believe in dedication and I believe in commitment but I also believe in fall the time you know they've been pushing McGregor all week all week if you watch 218 FX1 FX4 618 whatever spy whatever they've been shown me the number for to have all these different UFC shows but it's all wrapped up around McGregor which I can understand like I tell you what movie they've been playing all week since this thing happened in Charlottesville a time to kill with Sandra Bullock and some network has had it on 24 hours since that day yeah but they showed the first McGregor a Diaz fight okay and I'll

never forget I'm no fucking genius I was backstage with Joe I heard Joe talking with fucking Cameron Haynes and a mother bunch of people and I'm sitting there going man the hardest thing I've ever done in my life hardest thing I've ever ever done in my life it's fucking jiu-jitsu training yeah and I've done a lot of things I worked on roof so I was a fucking week all people carry bricks whatever the fucking Mason I'd carry his brick areas I shits hard and okay I started when I was 50 and I thought about doing it for 15 years and being a black belt and I thought about what he had said one of the things that he

you know he didn't even like jiu-jitsu Nate the only reason why he would go is because you know the guys would buy him a burrito yeah yeah the end of the thing so I'm starting to think I'm gonna wait a second six seven hours a day rolling but 12 15 years you know what I'd be doing to people yeah you have any fucking idea once I grabbed your wrist it'd be night night they would tell you Joe ideas grabs your wrist just tap yeah cuz I pulled you down and choked you to fuck out and that's what we found experience that's the only reason I bet the amount of money I did on Diaz in the first fight yeah because I believe

an experience when this podcasting game came in I was up the corner peeing in a bottle at Ford dealership yeah I went in there to pee in a bottle for looking for a job really I was done I was done oh you were the fuck I had done you were the first guy that was good at it I was done and no we talked about this the other night Monday night we spoke about me Felicia and I started a podcast and we that we were lost we were like in that Felicia and you Felicia and you were lost when you started this but no but you on Rogan what was what was what was it no no no no but listen when I started with Felicia we were lost we were two

people talking every Tuesday we got a couple downwards but like I told Lydia they there were these things that covered our faces these circles how filters yeah can't spit so I couldn't really see her and she couldn't really see me and one night she said something one afternoon she said something and I told I go you know one night I was in the city I mean my buddies were not to get blown over the bar and right by 42nd Street in the mid 80s there was a pretzel thing if you wanted to take me took the Lincoln tunnel back to Jersey you could stop and get a pretzel there but if you didn't make that left and you went

straight and made a right that whole street was hookers and the little pimp was a dude a black dude I may believe he was retarded in wheelchair but he had like two machine gun there was two other retarded black dudes in wheelchairs what a cop and you would drive down that block and it'd be fucking 20 black chicks the cops wearing on it and you'd get in the car and they'd suck your dick around the world or sex this is 82 no condoms I remember I remember what around the world yeah around the world I thought around the world was sex no around the world's around the world everything your assholes they suck your

balls you fuck them they blow you it's the whole thing for like 35 hours it's 1982 no condom no condom in the backseat of a car on your back eating that ass and she and the last time guy she fucked she just remember there was no handy wipes then there was no chlorine snaps they took they took like water from a hose and washed their pussy and went back water from a hose like a fucking crazy league like a workman trying to get a drink it really doesn't matter Bert we're telling this shit we're talking the story and I'll never forget talking about how I got in the car and I'm I'm committed you're

absolutely right Bert you were absolutely right because you're a comic and you understand I'm looking at this Mike and I'm telling this story like I'm there we all get in the car and the hook is saying where we going and my buddy's going take her back to Jersey take her back to Jersey and she's gone I can't go to Jersey and we're like shut the fuck up and the next thing you know she goes in the purse and she takes a straight razor out and she goes to cut the driver and my friend punches her in the face I don't know what to do Bert I just grab it by the head when I pull it's a wig so we take the knife from my

hand all some punches start coming from everywhere my three buddies are just throwing laps and lights just pull okay we take it to the Lincoln fucking tunnel we take her into North Bergen into Fairview, New Jersey into a cemetery allegedly allegedly it's too fucking it happened in 82 you can't prove this shit you're saying it though right we take her into this fucking cemetery we take her out of the car and we go fucking give us some fucking money oh my god we were gonna rob her to point it right then and there I look over at Felicia and Felicia it's like this Bert, right?

and I busted out and laughed and that's what I knew right there right there now I did that on a Tuesday yeah okay the podcast got released on a Thursday I had a show at who's on Melrose now fighting for his life doing comedy Sal? Sal's comedy hole was on La Brea Sal's comedy hole had just left New York City he wanted to expand his operations he had one in New York State in the village that was very hot and he was expanding his operations to LA and he had one on La Brea I had booked a room percentage deal he calls me up and he goes hey where are you I go one to 101 he goes hurry up got a hundred people here really I go here we go

another guy telling me to hurry up I get there there's ten people he goes no you got a hundred and fucking 18 people paid yeah ten dollars to see you that was the beginning dude I remember when we did my very first podcast and Lee is gonna help me get all those back up but you have to I should I need to tell everyone that just to turn off download all that's all just downloading only knew the new ones not the old ones but when I did my first podcast with you you told a story about I took it out my dad my dad called me he goes buddy well on a couple cocktails Joey said some stuff he may not want out there and I go dad Joey's

never say like anything Joey says he's cool with saying everybody goes nobody you got to take these things out I just think they incriminate Joey I should re-release that original podcast in its entirety but my dad made me take it around he goes no you don't want to be associated with this it's a it's really bad crimes oh my god and I was like dad I go dad Joey's in prison and he was like ah he doesn't want that mentioned that could really hurt his resume I was like dad Joey is who he is that's why we love him and he's like listen it's why we love him but I just don't know you don't know who's gonna listen to this you

know what if what if what if NBC listens to someone I refer Joey for something you don't want to be the reason Joey didn't get the job I was like dad you need to listen to more Joey and then cut to the next time you meet him you gave him marijuana my dad's like release the entire thing release the Kraken this thing that Joey would say that's it he says to me on the phone that are worse than the Donald Sterling tapes like all I go all the one that when that was happening we would just laugh because if I never recorded anything like but like they wouldn't even be bad for you you just said everything I think that if we

tape recorded me and he could release this album I really think so because there's times I got the phone with Lee and we're both fucking out I'm funny in Spanish I'm funny in English I'm funny when I tell a story but when I'm on a roll it's when I'm on a phone call with somebody and we start talking about shit we go Lee and I go well I started I started like for my when I was doing the long not a long time ago but a couple years ago I was doing a vlog and if you called I would throw the camera on and your ramp that first that five minute rant you give someone when you talk to him oh yeah what's up Tarzan like and I

would always put him in there and go I know you're cool with it like I like you and Segura if you guys call me and I and I'm on a radio show or whatever I go it's they're so fun you guys are so funny in the moment regardless of whether or not you're being recorded or not I'm gonna I'm gonna announce this right now I'm quitting comedy at the end of 2018 I'm quitting podcasting and I'm gonna open up a service I still have to figure out a price why call you five days a week between 5 a.m. and 8 a.m. now you're gonna get a three no no no no no I'm not even giving you three days you're gonna get nothing you have to pay

for everything in my world you guys have proved to you what I could do in the morning listen to me if you have problems if you have physical problems or emotional problems or drug problems or you're a little lazy I'm your last fucking minor defense I like this Joey okay it's gonna be a 90-day program and I'm gonna call you up five days a week and guess what if you don't answer I'm gonna get the paperwork signed and I send a cop to your fucking house until you do answer no I like this no no I really went to an attorney if it doesn't if they don't answer and they get charged double these people who think that a

motivational can't a calendar is gonna help you because you guys don't understand what it is to be down you guys don't understand what it is to wake up in a rocket ship with a jacket on like under a rocket ship like at a park oh and you wake up with a rocket ship was Joey an astronaut and you have no money you have a coke addiction you know you have to dress I would go to my buddy's dress break into his back window take a shower take a sweatshirt do laundry eat some breakfast and then my day would begin but we kept me going was the things I used to say to myself when I was laying there yeah which is the

things I said to myself when I was here in our land in the beginning it's nine in the morning you can sit in this apartment and do whatever the comic does make believe he's writing and bitch about how nothing's working for him that's a percentage oh yeah or you could get yourself up you fat sack of shit I mean what are you gonna do you a lot of what are you gonna do with your felonious fucking life what do you know yeah you gonna impress me with your felonious life listen you got parents you got people that love you and people care for you and you don't want to get up you because your pussy hurts or your

fucking little shake you start this shit with the depression this shit ends now this is Uncle Joey telling you to get the fuck up and you got to do something when you get to the fucking destination you have to go to when you get to that gym I want you to call me from there leave a fucking message it better come up on my fucking phone that it's coming through I'm not even gonna answer a phone I just want to make sure you get the way you're going you know I love you I'm sorry I had to talk to you this way have a phenomenal day you bad motherfucker if I don't love you Jesus doesn't just hang up on you why can't you

you should you should that's it that's a start a version of that right now the business no no I gotta think I gotta get the attorneys I already wrote it out leaving love that I leave I get high and talk about business plans I said you know what I'm gonna narrow this down leaves come to me with calendars somebody else came to me with t-shirts the thing is the call in the morning telling you that you're a fucking sack of shit that the world owes you nothing you're not special your mother and father lied to you just like they lied to me and one day we all come to the conclusion that nobody's gonna give you dick you miserable

fuck get up go shampoo make some coffee I want you to wash your hair I want you to comb it I want you to put on a white fucking shirt I want you to feel well there was a black shirt that's ready we'll go in the fucking wash it yeah take the white shirt out iron it put cologne on it I'm not gonna narrow down nationalities but people do it all the time and where I share the second third day you know there'd be a lot of people that no it's true cuz people need you listen it's the same shit your dad tells you only a broken record only was something is there like a nice version for people who like there's no the world

shit part listen to me the world ain't nicely the world ain't nice there's a guy that's coming in to apply for the same job as you you have no high school education and you want to take off the weekend and go see the state fair to go ZZ top well there's a Mexican who just came in he said he'll do your job for 750 an hour and you're getting 10 guess what's gonna happen when you get back from your ZZ top concert you're gonna get fired this is the shit I prevent you from doing absolutely there's no concert there's no not that I want your bank statements I want what y'all so the torture that you've given me over the

years you're gonna just yeah there's no reason to go on vacation look at your friend your life turned around Lee good look no it's great I'm just don't look at your fucking visa bill and tell me if you got time to take your fucking wife on vacation then just ask me one more time that you who the fucking you to go on vacation four times in one year you barely made 42,000 last year who the fucking you don't deal with this my dad my dad you sound like my dad right now remember all my birthday my 26th birthday I wasn't doing stand-up and I was I was I was just fucking partying in New York and he called me in the morning and

I said I answered the phone cuz I thought he's gonna wish me happy birthday and I go back to bed so I was hungover and I was like hello and he's like you're a piece of shit and I was like dad he was like I perjured myself in court today the judge asked how you were doing I was under oath and I said you're doing great he was I lied about you because you're such a piece of shit I was like you know it's my birthday right he goes you don't deserve a birthday and I was like I go I remember he gave me a great speech that I'm very grateful I got because it changed the direction of my life but at the same time at the very

end of the speech I said he goes you go to that comedy club and you tell him you'll work for 25 you'll work for free I ended up getting 25 bucks a night he goes you'll work for free and do whatever they want you to do I said dad but I have a party tonight because you don't deserve a party he goes you go to that club if you let this be your party let work be your party let earning your party and it was it's such an it's in truth yeah I was a hipster way before hipsters and millennials I believed I was in privilege I was like I deserve things I didn't deserve shit there was a guy that was willing to do

it before me and then that guy would get it and I just and that night that conversation on my 26th birthday changed my life there's a dude Matt Woods I think about every week not the biggest kind of world not the toughest kind of world just a guy from Long Island who wrote for Roseanne he was a very decent guy I told the story of fucking I think about him all the time I look him up on Facebook because without him Papa wouldn't be here after like two years in comedy one night he came up to me after an open Mike Burkresher not to this Jodias he went up to crazy Jodias in 94 when I was going

toward divorce yeah I had no money there she wouldn't let me see the kid the anger was spewing out of me and he bought me on the way out after I had just killed open Mike three minutes on the Tuesday for me in those days I go up there with no material yeah yeah by the way you could still go there with no material I got on stage yeah before I was leaving he pulled me aside I don't mean for a second cuz he had a writing class that was free on Tuesday before the open Mike so if you went to his house he'd feed you a bunch of comics girls guys and he would sit with you ask you were you working on and he would do

this the comedy works paid yeah it was called the comedy works development plan and Wendy till this day I give a props because a lot of good comics came from that scam you cool with Wendy now cool and I'm going there for the first time Sunday night she's tremendous Sunday I'm doing Sunday Monday and Tuesday she's true that's who invented that was Wendy Curtis really when I first started comedy her lineup for the week would be at that time Jackie Flynn was on fucking fire Jackie Flynn from Boston Boston was the hottest comic in the country really he had just won the San Francisco comedy competition I'll

never forget the other comic that was very hot at that time 1994 is Felicia Michaels I will say this I have to say this in all it like just to put it out there I still think Felicia Michaels is gorgeous oh she's still looking good but no no no she's gorgeous she's hilarious but I'm just saying like I have to say that because like every time we all hung out because me and Felicia did a podcast like that I think three times every time I was like dude she's still a diamond my she still looks fucking good yeah yeah yeah and she's a savage yeah she's great yeah yeah but it was like in those days she would have Wendy would

book Bobby Collins who was on fire he had the search commercial I don't know Bobby Collins thought I was worked with Louis CK and Fort Lauderdale and when George was born in 2004 and Bobby Collins rolled in and I'm the man I've never seen I'm Louisa was a big guy to me but man he paid Bobby Collins massive respect I was so grateful that he came in yeah Bobby's a good dude man and Bobby Collins are coming Monday Tuesday then Felicia Michaels are coming Wednesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday you know she'd have Jackie Flynn I'll never forget who the hottest comic was in the country when I got into comedy you're

ready yeah who's the guy great Garcia had on that show from Boston what's the show before my name is early yet was it raising Arizona Anthony Clark Anthony Clark when I got into comedy Anthony Clark was the fucking comic to watch dude he he was tremendous at that time what happened to him he moved that LA and he became a television star no but like he what happened to him like I haven't seen him in a while he was a fun guy to party with pissed off some people like we usually do when we have three dollars now we think we know everything about the world yeah some people turn against you and that works I heard a story about him

by the way this is allegedly raise how we protect ourselves yeah but this isn't bad but legal when he got on Boston Commons I think was the first show he did it's like a big show yes he did Boston Commons he was in Boston at the time or or Seattle or LA but it's his brother connected with a bunch of guys who were starting a company and they're like you should really invest in our company have a little extra cash throw some in so he did and that company was Microsoft and I heard he is paid in full for the rest of his life you never look at they say dice was one of the original best as a Starbucks really

well think of when dice got hot right when Starbucks is starting that's the rumor oh who knows I never met I met I met dice I've actually worked with dice by all no dice but I find him fascinating very fascinating and when you hear his story about how he started how his he wasn't even 18 and he started as a Travolta impersonator yeah and he would go to these mafia parties and they would pay him 200 to do Travolta and you know it goes on and on I mean you sit there and go Jesus fucking Christ and that was my point the podcasting it's not like we're good at podcasting it's that I paid my dues as a comic yeah and

then I became a storyteller later on and I figured my niche out my niche wasn't going up there and telling you that her pussy stunk like a fish or my dick or that I ate her ass that was nothing to do with it my comedy was about what was in front of me which was what was my life well I mean personally I think comedians can be the best podcasters but there's a lot of comedians we've had them as guests and they have their own podcasts that are they can be the worst podcasters too like you can I jump in and say that like so like someone I thought and by the way I hope it doesn't sound like I'm talking shit I hope

this everyone sees that this is come more love but like like I the someone I thought that would be bad at podcasting would be Pauly because because Pauly was a movie star like in the 80s so like and there's such a like an ingrained indoctrined like don't share too much you know type of thing and then I saw him on Rogan I got really excited because I've always been a fan of Pauly's you know from when I was I mean he was a movie star when I was in high school so like I watched every one of his fucking movies and I know there's a part of Pauly that's deeper than what maybe the public thinks so I saw him on Rogan and

it was maybe one of my favorite Rogan appearances I've ever seen and they start by talking about your appearance with him here and it's we don't talk about Pauly on the show did you guys post the video yet no are you serious because I would love to see that fucking I would love to see that it was such a great Rogan appearance that I was like that's what I love about podcasting I think him being vulnerable I think it's better that the Rogan appearances the one that's out there really yeah did you air the audio what's the movie that somebody says that we don't talk about him here Voldemort with Harry Potter he

who must not be named no we don't talk about him you watch Harry Potter fuck I'm pulling Pauly short direct you know I wonder if he knows who I am doesn't matter he don't need to know nobody let's leave him a message and shit man man I don't need my bed maybe not give it over here put our speaker Joey Pauly short Joe Diaz all of a sudden you're on the Rogan podcast you forget about me and shit cock sucker all of a sudden you're a star you got to see no man three you know you don't want to talk to me no more call me back I miss you I love you we're just on the podcast live and we

talking about here your parents on Rogan how great you were and shit you showed up here with flip-flops on look at all fucked up but I love you I'm taking about you call me back stay black I can't wait do you have that audio can we can't it can it be something given to friends that we can personalize anyone there please no no no no no it's not it's in the deep deep deep we can we can we can we can we can we give like the the angels share upon gassers and what the truth about podcasting is there's 50 comics out there yeah and we've had comics on here we thought we're gonna come on here and blow the roof off and

they've been duds and then we brought regular people on here who've done sensational there's a line in your life and if you're not willing to go through that line you're dead and podcasting that's the one guys then there's the guys that come on and look down on you and they look you and they go I've been on radio for 23 years well let me explain some to you mr. fucking dinosaur man all right mr. kleptosaurus whatever the fuck they are with little hands what's the guy with little hands T-Rex whatever kleptosaurus that's the dinosaur that's told from other dinosaurs that's why radio is dead because you're still

using the phony voice and you're still that's that's not what people looking for you're looking for a real honest conversation it's even stronger than heart it's even that's exactly what this is it's two people three people talking shit smoking dope having a few cocktails and anything goes I you know when I listen to a podcast and it's edited that's the last time I listen to the two podcast I want to hear everything if the guy slept if the guy slipped and said nigga or spit or fucking lesbian or homophobic or something so let it be maybe he was in the fucking moment did you ever think of that that people are

in the moment and then when people are talking and they're talking about people and they get excited they say things they normally wouldn't say but it's not in the fucking abrasive way yeah it's not meant for hey that's what I want to hear I want to hear that shit I want to hear when Lee farts I want to hear when Bert burps this is what a podcast is and unless you're doing that it's not gonna work not in my world and there's people disagree with me that's fine there's people that wanted their podcast groomed like hey you're back that's not what I like I want to listen to a podcast that any minutes that the cops

could kick down the door this any minutes any day now want to be doing a podcast and we're gonna get swatted yeah so cuz it's true my favorite part of Rogan's podcast this is old-school Rogan you remember this do you remember when that landline he had in his room would ring oh yeah and I used to love that because I go oh yeah the phone's ringing and he go fuck I forgot to turn it off he'd be like ah fuck those those things in podcast for me I'm excited for like a podcast history class can you do me a favor for my class I could teach it okay or I want you to click in Lenny Bruce album I got a piss I want to

piss real quick yeah go ahead get money finds this guy yeah yeah go piss I'm gonna go I'm gonna ship where's the bathroom okay I'm gonna piss to the right this if you don't make a move yeah right left it don't matter it does wow this is clear no no no pull it let me get some shoutouts to my girl Krista Oaks my main man in Jersey looking out for me always Mikey Klein with the one-by-one podcast my main man Paul Gaultiery Randy Funderberg Mike Dunn tenon Smith KCC grave and my brother from a different mother always Jeffrey Collins who's a fucking soldier of debt and I want to congratulate my

main man fucking talking land he finally got a job he's putting things together he's gonna be coming to visit us in California soon he's coming on a mission from debt he doesn't even know it yet I told him last week that he's on call he might have to fucking get in that fucking Hyundai and put the uber side on and bring a fucking victim with him you know I'm saying and beside that it's a beautiful night we got fucking my main man look for what was I saying if you look for oh tell me which one yeah just let me bruise out okay let me bruise out okay let's just start with that let me see what you come up with on

YouTube what's that you know listen when I got into comedy I'm a lot older than you guys and maybe a lot younger there's a lot of people in my age that listen to this stuff what I had to call me I learned to listen to comedy from listening to albums okay no not stand-up album you know that was the first thing that popped up so I didn't know yeah you know I learned from listening to albums like right there right to click the first one just click on today all right let's see I wasn't even born yet no before I want you to tell me stop me if you've seen it I'm going to piss on you

no way there's so much acceptance see that I can't take the bit out every time I say I just start as a gag once you know and they just say hooray hooray let me just do it to talk but for now piss on this person and you'll do the rest of it there do you hear the crackling in your earphones guys yeah yeah that's the album guys listen to that I want you to put on Richard prize is something I said right there the fourth one down and now ladies and gentlemen the world famous Latin Casino proudly presents the star of our show mr. Richard Pryor

it was a good pause for one second so the thing I'm obsessed with right now Joey is the first word to come out of a comics mouth well let's listen let's listen right I'm obsessed with it let's listen what the fuck you gotta tell me let's hear it we are gathered here today on this soft occasion to say goodbye to the dearly departed he was dearly and he has departed thus that's why we call him the dearly departed in other words a nigga dead dude hit pause for one second I'm sorry Lee but like that the thing I look about with specials now is I go as you can see him laying I go what are the

first words coming out of your mouth because I you know cuz I'm working on my special I don't want to like build it up too much but I go you don't want too much of the like you know what's up Philadelphia is everyone good here is everyone having a good time you want like and I did that on my last lot I was like I was a rift on you go to a restaurant how do you like to get treated go to scroll that down till the end I want to see what they got then why no me no no no on the video scroll it down because maybe that like they said number one usually you legit when you go to go on there it'll just give the

titles when a woman leaves you know when you go back go to the next one good night kiss you go beautiful woman are beautiful our texts for today no click up there could be before that I know meets Dracula click up there you know how you want to be treated brother yeah just click up there why no meets Dracula Richard prior a race to any Bruce there you go you're fucking good how do you like to be treated when you go to a restaurant with your wife I'd like to be served no personally yeah the first one this is the winos this is what got me into coming right right here why no never get afraid of nothing but

running out of wine that's the only thing that panic and why no why no could deal with Dracula hmm right anyway hey man say nigga you with the cake what you doing picking in that people's window what's your name boy Dracula what kind of name is that for a nigga you know this is 1970 guys this before right where you from fool oh yeah man I know it is you know the smartest motherfucker in the world you know even though you're the ugly oh yeah you are the mother why don't you get your teeth fixed no let's just hang it all out your mouth

why don't you go get your awful dollars off a dollar dinner's you know huh in 1975 why don't you shit the girl hmm what's wrong with your natura got that dirt all on the back of your neck use a filthy little mother fucker he was fucking killing guys he's fucking killing you got to be home for the sun come up you ain't lying mother fucker hey click on to that one up there you want to suck what you suck some black niggas you suck at a freak bar or ugly freak you ain't sucking nothing here you know what you better do holy shit I love CDs this is it this is I know you

guys need to do specials now I love this shit but I love CDs I love this shit this is a lot of CDs too I love this fucking sounds nice click on to the exorcist to see what that is I think you know John see the exorcist this is a story about the devil gets into this 12-year-old girl devil's a low mother fucker check see that wouldn't have been no movie it'd have been niggas in it the movie would have been about seven minutes long soon as the devil spoke I love good bye see a nigga with a handle that movie different nigga would have walked in the

house I'm a what no fuck is that funky smell and all that racket upstairs is the girl crazy smell like shit in here some devil is shit at that you walk in the room bitch what's wrong with you get up out of bed wash your ass girl you can tell it's gonna be good because there's that one lady who laughs out your pussy but the cross out your pussy this is like cutting-edge back get down stay out and help your mother straighten up the front room we haven't come in we didn't have black people talking like this yet oh my like on media I left that fucking house that afternoon I had a walk like a mile home and I couldn't stop thinking

about this I didn't know it's gonna be a stand-up comic but this made me buy other albums and you know it opened up the fucking door but this sound this is why I started podcasting I missed this I missed that pure laughter no HBO presents showtime but just a guy in a bar that's why I love whenever I go somewhere I see a Richard Brown I buy it because it's as pure as when Lee and I did it's either you or the priest it wasn't planned we didn't talk about it we didn't have a cover taken you told me you didn't know what you were gonna say Legos let's go down the brand I got this thing let's try it out it caused me 35 hours to rent

remember the things that you guys all bought to do live podcast yeah that was it you know the zoom we still use today I read that I did a spot and it became a number one CD on fucking I tune and the Lord no do no stories no drama no big programming it costs $40 if you listen to it today you go Joey you know what man it sounded I wanted to sound like that I want you to think I want you to listen this is why I fell in love with the concept of the podcast because I want there's somebody hit me up on Twitter today oh yesterday leave you not see that I'm listening to the podcast right now where two ladies are knocking on your

door saying that you're smoking pot no I was one of the best podcasts in my life with Philippe if you listen to it it's fucking God or what happened me and Philippe and the Christkiller where this other location we had on Burbank Boulevard I remember that place I think no no no we barely had anybody there we had three months there the table was too big for the room there was a small table oh it's not that is not the place by in and out no no this was one that we had that's a palace compared to this we had this place had no AC no AC we were there for three months it was an earthquake there was a woman who was

pretending to be a what is it called when you stand things notary notary next door yeah I kept complaining about the reef they would bang no we weren't even smoking we weren't even smoking it was a fucking nightmare but one of the best things that was when she knocked on the door because it felt like I was on stage and the waitresses drink trade fell over in the glasses oh really you're in the moment I love that yeah you see I love this damn I'm trying to say to you so this is why this is the style of this podcast we do this is the only way I could do a podcast because I don't want

the SPN hey how are you I love that shirt yeah well my opinion on it listen fuck you and your fucking opinion if I wanted your opinion I turn on channel 18 and be at home watching you right yeah you know I just hate I hate all that shit I always so for me this was perfect this is what I like I admire this I want you to listen and think the cops are gonna kick the doors in and arrest you for listening to this that's what a podcast means to me do you ever think about recording that the periscope part as part of the podcast because watching you get high and rant is one of my favorite things yeah listen they're on youtube

everything was that they're on youtube everything is on uh we do everything sporadically man how the fuck knows when you want a periscope yeah I can't do it I can't you know you you you can't stay on social media all day and nothing don't take you fucking seriously it kills me you gotta keep give them a fucking breather they're getting bombarded with so much shit you can only give them so much shit and then they go ahead listen we've taken enough shit with uncle joey yeah you know I try to get off two three day you know something a day here a day there you gotta give people a fucking breather it's amazing that what I use it

for and what other people use it for it really amazes me too I use it specifically to shoot those promo videos and that's all I do I love the videos with the kids and yeah it's fucking phenomenal I mean glee when Isla fucking you get it involved that shit's all fucking great you know why why because it's better than a fat fuck coming on smoking pot that's 50 years old don't need a ghost aiming on terry okay I don't know about that at least it's green I'm saying like that that's the stuff that pisses me off and now it makes everybody a director that's what's happened to our business what happened to our businesses and made everybody a director you've got that right so they would do two little fucking films show up

to paramount and they get together and go in a second this fucking hum head I gotta give them three quarters of a mill to shoot a movie I got this fucking idiot from down the corner in Hollywood Boulevard you got a degree from the Hollywood film Institute or whatever the got a big YouTube channel yeah let's give him a and this is what happens and the the last couple of lights we've killed two hours in here high watching movie clips and it was real weird that I showed Lee movie clips where you see what a director is there's thought involved while you're watching the movie there's tons of thought involved like I showed in the scene last night from a movie called Goddy with Armando Sante works like half the movie

and the greatest Mexican of all time what's what's the mexican's name oh uh no no he's Puerto Rican the old school one old school one the guy that was across 110 street he's in the movie revenge which is fucking phenomenal but who's the good-looking guy from the bodyguard okay i'm gospel Anthony Quinn that's what i'm talking about fucking that what are you giggling about bird price i'm like did i pick the white guy i'm dropping knowledge on you and you're fucking hit me with i got kevin gospel you Anthony Quinn is my name on that pillow what pillow it is why that pillow is my key uh it says burt oh do you see it listen there's a frog with that fucking name you got no right to fucking question a fucking pillow there's a frog

with your name did you know that no there's not a frog but isn't there's a frog the bird no i think you're thinking of Burton Ernie right yeah yeah no he's not a frog what is he what does it make a difference so you got a name that share with him up but you're worried about your name on a pillow you got some pair of fucking balls kid you know hold on i'm gonna pee i just saw i just saw my name on the pillow i've been looking at it and i was like i thought it was serendipity i haven't been fucked up you brought your own i was gonna i was i got some teetos and you did do you have any snacks no there's no we can't have snacks here snacks here we can't but we can't eat stuff here we go crazy we began we go nuts oh all i do is eat snacks right now i'm thinking

about eating a death storm that hungry when i got up to my highest like i would go to the grocery store my entire car would just be diet soda and snacks so are these death stars uh yummy yeah if you eat one or two they're pretty good but when you start eating five you they start to build back in the morning it's just hard to eat five to ten gummies at once really yeah you guys go do a bag at night probably for the bigger ones we don't what was it like when you first started eating these are you a big weed guy before you met joey no not at all zero so so you you how did you find joey facebook well i found him for the rogan but then i went i contacted him on facebook and then he was like yeah let's do something let's see if we connect i think he kind of idea he asked about

what my ideas were and then uh we just hung out at the ha ha for like a month at night and that was crazy i was like someone someone and someone asked me today on twitter right before the podcast if i've ever been star struck on the podcast and i was thinking about it and i was star struck meeting joey like i was petrified really well yeah i i don't know i've never i've never been i've always i get star struck by people who are on the news before i moved to LA and then like it was weird and then since i've been with joey it's kind of there's nothing that can really faze him but had you ever heard of me before you met me yeah for real yeah of course you were on the rogan before you aren't here probably yeah you want some for breeze what happened

in there yeah we did go pretty hard in here so yeah so yeah i met him then and we then we uh did mad flavors world what's bad flavors world we did he did he had a uh camera from gabriel glacis and he did little blogs and stuff and he gave them to me once a week and i hit them together really yeah we did like 15 of them something like that and then he called me one at work and like midnight said would you like to shoot a documentary in new york was that how you guys started with the is what the the the doc was the one of the first thing yeah i don't know what we were doing there though i thought he was like a film major and that was that i didn't know i thought he was a know-it-all he shows up i never

kind of waited before i was in the fucking stab me along but we made it happen i was an editing major and you kept calling me the director from israel i've never directed anything the director from israel that doesn't sound like joey you can tell me like that was the first thing like when i was like brand new he'd tell me to lie to people and like tell them you're from israel and i can't speak heber we're like even pretend to speak but you never got a bar mitzvah yeah well yeah but do that rant that little barruka if they're here they know how to speak heber they're gonna know you're just doing the dora i guess you could you know i shot how many fucking movies that i shoot i'd sit there and i'd watch these fucking morons make a big deal about shit yeah

and i would sit there and go this is how i would block this right like all those things like all right let me practice in my head how i would block this how i would make this guy move across and you know what the last resort i'd be like two steps off or something yeah you know it don't take a fucking genius it don't take no fucking genius i've been on fucking cbs shows that the directors are comedy legend you meet the guy and he's a fucking sleeping pill and then you try to improvise and they fucking tell you you can't dude that's all you know that's what we're talking about the drive here about acting jobs and how at one point you get here and that's what you strive for is these little acting jobs and you get on there you do a couple of them and then you're

like i ain't doing this no more or if i do this is how i'm gonna do like i would enjoy like i would enjoy acting i think more if i knew everything there was to know like i want to know if i can take like other takes and uh and like if i can improv like i remember mike epps was saying that he just would go in and do it the way he did it fuck him and i was like i wish i'd known that because i was talking about the way they wanted me to do it here you go you go to the audition or you don't go to the audition they give you the fucking role the first fucking day you're supposed to be there your calls at two in the afternoon yeah you look at the call sheet and see what time they're actually going to be there and if it's at seven they're paying you number one number two you're a professional

yeah you go on there three four hours early and while they're blocking catch the director and this is exactly what's going to happen hey how you doing tony berg crush hey i loved your audition tape obviously i'm fucking hit dickhead you know what i'm saying like they hate that shit and then they're like uh yeah is there anything special you want me to play in this do you say that to him or you keep that to yourself whatever you make a fucking joke whatever you know they loved how what you did okay let me ask you number two what do you want from me and they'll go well i want you to do the scene you did exactly the way like i was blown away sometimes how people were going like i got that scene right off the cuff and then they would go we'll work on this you

know i would only ask them today what do you want from me fucking today what do you expect from the from the fucking character yeah you know i tried to give them that that fucking lingo so that dick gets hard like i know what i'm doing you know i'm saying if you tell them what you want from the character they get the fucking apple and they eat it they think like they know what the fuck they're doing and then number four ask them number three ask them if you want any special requests now you're in his world now you gotta ask him gotta ask you a question and i'm not trying to be rude i'm here for you i did not i have no comedy scheduled my wife's got the kids how many takes do we do for each and the guy really tell you he goes well i just you know adam sandler he does one

from the script one for him and one for you clenicewood does two yeah there's some fucking people who are just dickheads bro there's some guys you work with that medium range level it's their first big film with fox or something and they just dickheads there's nothing they could do 22 scenes you know there was a couple years ago i shot a commercial for a big daddy i fucking snapped on that set go daddy go daddy i fucking snapped on that fucking set the director was just a dick yeah just a dick you got all the shots you got all the shots how many fucking shots you want was that the one we're getting like a flower thrown in your face yeah and they thought it was cute and i know it's somebody's trying to be cute i ain't that much of a fucking moral i know when some directors

trying to beat you the best was the fucking uh what's the people that when you like what's the fast we want you like all yeah crossing oh yeah cause jr i did one of the director my least favorite that director called me a director called me an idiot what because the fucking car had no breaks when they connected the interior lights and cameras for the car yeah they disconnected the brakes so the first time the car rolled they said they fixed it the second time the car rolled and he said something else i told him fuck you bitch this i went off and the other it was two of us playing like italian mob hits the other guy is still my friend really till this day because how i went off and that director not the end of the director had apologized to me like fucking fire

me what do i give a fuck yeah who the fuck are you a fuck do you think you are you know you can't but everybody was scared of him he had an assistant that would come up to him talk to you instead of him i think there's it's less about talent more about yeah no no no no no in the right uniform to wear on yeah yeah oh no listen if there's some movies you go on the set you know the director is right away yeah the hat with the feather uh 22 tattoos all the way to the fucking wrist the mount the wife be the t-shirt what's the pants they wear leather shorts so they can show the tattoo on the camera look at pre-pants yeah it's the same look you could see or if you have a woman director you really have a problem you have the dyed hair you know oh no it's not with all

women directors listen we're talking about the conti directors across the board no no no no no no no no no no no no no i worked with a woman on set if you have to take this pilot that was brilliant she taught me a lot i worked on you know was a good director dog you know who directed me on the soprano sketches from mad tv the wife from married with children not tag bundy no the other one oh the lesbian yes yeah she directed me on mad tv sweeter than pie but there was something i did that i worked with a woman that i got there and the whole set was cliche oh in fact there was somebody who i was working with recently that contacted me i went in there as a man looked at their web page and i go oh my god i know who i'm dealing with and i just knew it yeah and she hit me with an offer

and i and i knew i knew the kind of offer she was gonna go at me with and then i told her no i couldn't do it but you know the look there's a look a certain look that a woman gets when she wants you to know she's a director or a producer or and it's so fucking cliche guys it sucks i've worked at like women that are just natural that are fucking tremendous the ones that want to be artsy farce i worked at two gay directors one time that were fucking solid as fuck too we made a movie called the mezzos what was that about the mezzos let me tell you something i want how how weird the hollywood works the first season of sopranos it's a fucking hit yeah it's a fucking hit

every network orders a mafia show one way or the other they're getting thousands of mob shows thousands of mob related shows i know these two gay dudes in hollywood and they write a script about you know like gay theater i'm standing like a boulevard where they play gay porn sometimes oh yeah yeah that's what are you guys talking about that's their head it's where uh it's where what's the name from uh got busted uh yeah it's a it's a super popular yeah super popular that's there the pink something the pink lace or something yeah that's the headquarters and they did something else everything was very uh gayish in a way and there was these two brothers who were gay but they're gangsters and nobody knows that they're gangsters they're tremendous hit men yeah so it's

like pay only no later type deal so nobody knows these two guys are gay they're not the flaming type gay guys they're just the ones that are big they go to clubs and intimidate you yeah and uh he wrote this up and took it to abc and abc orders the fucking script really right okay they they jack around a little bit and he gets wind and that the sopranos were not happy with big pussy in real life that they already knew that big pussy had asked for a bunch of money the second season really and that he was getting killed off like once he's you know the rumors on son's anarchy when you ask for money you get killed off on some of those shows uh what the cricket you asked for

that raise is the cricket they kill you off so these two gay guys who were sweethearts i still talked to the one guy joe contact went to new york and met with vince and pastore and they got vince and pastore money to shoot a pilot about two gay guys that are getting in the mafia and la and they own the theater yeah and that's their headquarters and they loan out money they did something else that was pretty funny the guy did do a good job yeah without just being like we were in flaming fag you know yeah nothing like that he did something i can't remember what the fuck it was and i had to go to fox and audition and no you ready for this one yeah they shoot a pilot abc says kaboosh we don't want the thing or they didn't shoot the pilots

or everybody was slain there with the dick in their hand they took it to everybody else everybody else passed on it these two guys didn't want to fucking just lose the project so they sold it to fox searchlight whatever the fuck that is and big pussy didn't want to do it for that price really so we all auditioned from scratch every from frank Stallone to nick tutorial really to any guy you saw good fellas johnny roast beef wow and i got it like the two guys who got like if you would have told me that me and this other guy were gonna get it i went all against it me and i mean there were stars in that room yeah the guy that got shot in the eyeball from the god father was in that room i mean oh yeah yeah no no there was a thousand italian stars in that room

when i got the call back i was a fucking shocked yeah and this is the funny thing you don't know what see people have no idea what the route is here i had at that time one of the smartest guys i ever had working with in the entertainment business at that time he was a genius in fact he just text me about a week ago and he said that he listened to a podcast where myself and jimmy shuber were on discussing him and he was he goes and brought tears to his eyes how proud he was of us he was mine jimmy shuber's manager he had six killers that nobody knew about and he would live and die for you like if i i bumped into billy gardell at arts maybe three months ago really and billy asked me he goes you ever talk to jeff again jeff was the one that got billy going so wait how did you know

how did you meet how did you meet billy oh i know billy since 1998 for real yeah we used to go to i still remember when billy goddell billy goddell for those you don't know is from mike and mike from mike and molly i know billy from i still remember 98 being a coach and horses with him at four in the afternoon him and a girl that's a comedian girl that's still in town broke up and we were in there me him and stan oh maybe a few other people really yeah so wait so wait so wait so take me back to them like what was it like back then like you hold on let me just tell you this story oh yeah yeah i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i really give props to this guy the problem with this guy was that i wasn't strong enough for him he was getting me into fucking rooms

oh that my knees were crickle yeah like into auditions like you're going down there you're reading with revolta today like that type of shit 1998 i just got here i'm a criminal i'm doing blow six nights a week and i'm going to these auditions that i could not handle but bro this guy always had a plan yeah he's like this is what's going on so i go should i do this project it was like 250 a day flat it was 500 for the weekend if they went over a certain amount of hours they would give me an extra hundred bucks but the dude said they would take care of me i asked him i go bro should i do this he goes joey the surprise is the hottest show on tv right now and they're working on a thousand projects you need this tape he goes i know these guys

they're shooting on something shoot i shot it came out great got into a bunch of all gay film festivals i got a couple meetings from it but he gave me a call and then he goes you're gonna go he read for that movie about chuck barris remember that movie they were like the host of the dong show yeah he was in the cia and you know like that she made me go he made me go in for this role that i didn't want to fucking read for like i'm not going in there because they're looking for two mexicans he goes listen you're gonna take this role he goes you're not gonna get this he goes i think they already have an offer i don't want because that doesn't matter i want you to go in there and rock her world wow don't give her an accent rock her world listen to me bro i went in there

and rocked her world she called me back i went to producers i didn't get the role but on the way out the second time i went to she made me go to producers once then twice which meant she liked me on the way out she goes it was great to see you thank you to come she goes regardless of what happens here today she goes i want you to keep in touch with me she goes anytime you do a new project i want you to hit me up this lady was like fucking huge yeah this lady but she wasn't here she wasn't even based on l.a i forget what her name is she was based on in new york if you go to my imdb you'll see what her name was within four weeks i get the tape from the mezzos jeff galvin was the manager he called me he goes where's that mezzos tape i go well they said they

won't give it to me he goes let me call you back next thing he goes he called me but he goes listen they want you to go by the house and pick up two scenes i went by the house i picked up two scenes i sent a game to jeff jeff sent them to some guy some guy fucking bup bup bup bup bup this is 2003 jeff sends me this and he goes joey i'm sending this to the lady you read for yeah what did she would analyze that what did she who put me in now who is the casting director in that click on to analyze that and i'll tell you okay give me a second and in fact her assistant is now a big casting director here really she put me in something about two years ago and she was casting whitney oh really yeah no no no that being how life that works that's crazy i never thought that you'd read

for something and you wouldn't be right for it and they go he's not right for this but he's right for other things well i always thought i was like it's a bullshit cover-up story yeah but you know when somebody is telling you the truth you'll get the handle for it not your agent you when you're walking out of the room there's times that the producers already have somebody yeah but she's trying to save them two hundred thousand dollars do you understand me you go in there and do a good job but it ain't enough to save them two hundred thousand dollars ellen channel with ellen channel click on to ellen channel you know that is see who ellen channel was casting ellen channel his daughter is uh the girl that was in wicked look at ellen channel with what she's casted

read them out loudly okay doing stuff on the top of the bottom whatever you want just read ton of them all right she's a savage ellen channel and mostly the narrow movies oh yeah a lot of oh brother where are thou analyze that uh mortaly's a smile uh analyze this the horse whisper wag the dog lolita affliction no no no she's heavy duty bro yeah i kept in touch with her daughter who's her dog a bronx tail who's her dog a bronx tail is great who's her daughter um i'm still going down terms of endearment come on endearment dog can't be with her dog yeah no no no no no no i don't know don't worry about who the fuck i'm mother no no no no no no no this is uh go to is it's got no she has 84 credits that's crazy keep going up keep going up and then christin full

bio christin channel with find out it's like christin channel with she's one that started uh wicked i think wicked was the biggest play on broadway christin and channel with is in wicked am i right i don't know click it i i didn't click it i just knew it click it there's no way to click oh maybe i'm wrong let me see but that those mezzo stupid tapes that i did for five hours he sent them to ellen channel with i can't analyze that really that's how he always knew what was and i would bang and i would listen man i remember being in fucking new york doing stent students comedy and fucking rascals and him calling me going you have any tapes of you and i'm like jay goes bring a tape over the what's his name they're casting a show called

the sopranos and i'm like what the fuck are you talking about i don't know how to sing instead of dropping the tape off the sopranos i dropped the tape off at like roger paul and two other bummy fucking comedy pages i can't sing the tenor is that's how strong jeff getland was bro yeah jeff getland got me out for oh my god oh my god i remember one time jeff getland had these guys put together a game show around me where i was the host and you had a burglarized somebody's house and fucking it they was just crazy and they got sold to mbc because they got ready for this strike this was crazy and joe came with me this is 97 98 2000 2001 we were doing something one night i go joe i got a fucking call back you got to drive me and he was best we

went he walked in there with me he showed me how to do that's how cool that motherfucker yeah he was already hosting fear factor and he's like let me show you how to do this and i did it and then they went with a fucking black dude and then they shot the pilot and nope nothing i ever called him racist had a black guy breaking into houses something black dude a fucking mixed dude yeah some shit like this so what else has been going on in your life and nothing man just the road i think i work too much but my pot my podcast has been doing really well you really should podcast how many times a week once a week on wednesday just one one podcast a week i did it i did there was a period where i was doing two a week and i just noticed that i was losing my ratings were cutting in half

like it wasn't like if i release it on wednesday i release it every night at tuesday at like six p.m so that it's out there wednesday morning for everybody because that's where libson kind of like cuts did the cut off but uh and i also kind of fine-tuned it you know so funny my biggest podcast is we're always when we you'd come over when we party me you ralphie me you tommy me you tommy my dad me and tommy and burr me and arie and and rent is easy like those are my biggest podcasts so i kind of just looked at the numbers and i was like well shit if those are the biggest ones i'll just keep doing that so i was like all right so now if i do my podcast i do it monday night to day 30 is when i i tape it and we just and we just have a few cocktails

when do i find this moments in podcasting believe it or not had nothing to do with me i get a call one night that we're gonna go over to burr crisis out burr calls me to his house he invites me always very gracious and he goes come over at a certain time i'd like for you to do a podcast at the time i thought burr was johnny professional i go over there 20 minutes too early he invites me into his man cave he offers me something we sit there he gave me that weed from that you like the sativa from uh betsy crocker whatever the fuck you feel stiller you even bought a joint you were very crazy and we sat there and waited for ralphie man we got a call about 8 15 saying that ralphie was coming up over the hill

i remember you going broke right here he's not coming over anyway listen to me it's nine o'clock and i go listen call him again and ask him where he is so now he calls again you call him you call him you call him i go burr i think that's the reality that we might as well stop this and listen to phone rings and ralphie man's like i'm stuck on lower okay and i'm just pulling up i'm by a gas station there's a a dog in the whole address a pie place across the street and i'm talking about lower okay yeah and what he's close to and burr directs him to where he goes but anyway i got there to coordinate the podcast was supposed to start at 8 it's 10 the fucking 10 so ralphie comes in smoking a vapor pen i'm sitting there with bird we're having a blast it's a great podcast

we go back and forth finally it's midnight it's 12 30 at night the girl's asleep and it's time to go we hug we we walk out i walk i follow bird out right i follow bird out i don't know nothing i can't see at night so i'm gonna follow the fucking leader it's his house but all of a sudden i assume ralphie's behind me and i just hear and we both turn around and shock and there's ralphie laying in your daughter's dollhouse it was it was it was how's the dollhouse oh it was it was that it was destroyed so it was like a meteor hitting one of those chinese villages it was and i remember me and

burr looking at each other and we could not laugh listen you could not laugh at your friend okay what are you talking about no no no there's listen there's certain situations when you laugh at a friend you did something stupid they gave you a chinese instead of italian you know but there's just certain times where something happens to a friend of yours and you cannot fucking laugh wasn't that time that time period has passed i guess no listen to me he falls what was it please burr it was uh it was um it was uh beach chairs so the kind that you can fold up and put into a sleeve and then open up they turn into a chair and he fell on top of them and literally like he didn't he wasn't hurt at all

he fucked them up all you heard was like you thought there was 40 kung fu masters in the room karate chopper wood you heard each karate choppy picture would go down uh it looked like someone just destroyed a tent oh they were all flat oh my god and he's like oh player what was that i was like and by the way they were cheap as shit they weren't like a super expensive that's why he went right through him yeah he went right through him they were the fucking cheapest ones you could get and he's like play and let me give you a hundred bucks for them i was like roughly they cost five bucks but he was uh yeah he was fucking high as shit walking out of that house we had to pick him up yeah that's no picnic

there's a god player i'm gonna get the car drive home we're like oh you sure so the whole time i'm walking out with him and i got that ball of laughter stuck like if it's right behind my heart that that that yell i was supposed to let out like there was a yell when that happened at that point that i was supposed to let out that i did not let out and i just wanted to go in my car i just wanted to get to my car and he kept asking what are you doing tomorrow meet me at the country club we'll get the kid swimming and all this shit on my property i gotta go i gotta go to the bathroom really bad listen guys i got in the car that door wasn't shut four minutes and i just let out laughter that it was just incomprehensible i'm starting the car sideways like i was like ah as i got around

the corner i called Bert he wouldn't answer to tell ass Bert was that the funniest fucking thing it was you had ever seen you know i i'm still laughing from because Bert and i and him were walking out very like uh janicek wah like it was it was no big deal which is walking out of here like we we walked out of here a thousand times and all of a sudden here blah blah blah blah oh we were on the like like i remember i remember getting done that and sitting in the man cave he just and looking at that chair just going how do i explain that to the girls i've had so many i've had so many run-ins with Ralphie that i that are making me laugh so hard i'm in my favorite one is we went uh he's gonna hate that i'm saying this we went to uh i've

i really love the first story oh my god he i know what Ralphie's saying in his head right now in this story we go to uh we do uh lannis with paul and young ron and Ralphie and i are are the comedians Ralphie's headline and i'm kind of open i'm not kind of open i'm definitely open in for him i'm doing 20 minutes Ralphie's doing an hour so every fucking night we go out to dinner every night we go out to dinner Ralphie orders a fucking grab bag of beautiful stuff to eat and he pays for it every fucking night so the last night lian's like hey we got to put our credit card down we can't let Ralphie pay he's paid for like fucking five meals so like lunches too you know so uh so we go to snow hoe we go to know hoe i think some whatever the not know hoe

so boo so boo whatever the sushi restaurant in that places we go there and i stopped the lady before we even get the meal i go hey give her my credit card go the big guy doesn't pay she's like okay so she comes up with the bill at the end of the night and she hands it directly me and raffie goes play i got that i was like no raffie already paid and he starts giggling hearty shit and he goes oh you don't want that player you don't want that i was like raffie no i got it i got it i open it and i see the bill and it's $1,200 and i go and and he sees my eyes realize i can't afford it like he's like i can't afford it i can't afford i'm featuring i can't afford it no one can afford it he sees my eyes and he starts laughing this raffie laugh and then lian

says how much is it and i go shut the fuck up that's how much it is and raffie goes i'll play you just done fucked up you should have just let me pay for it i was i wasn't willing to spend what we paid for in a tip like the tip was fucking uh 240 bucks i wasn't willing to spend that and then i went and the first thing i did i went out right out to the bank machine and i put out $1,000 and put it on black and lost i fucking went down like $4,000 that night and then i got into a huge fucking fight oh and then raffie's i thought i said it on radio one time raffie's like playa we didn't eat 1200 pounds of sushi 200 thousand sushi you drank $1,000 for the booze and we had $200 for the sushi i was like i don't know raffie it's probably someone like

four and eight they were bringing out dolphins like this is all we got left let me tell you something i told li the other night when raffie first hit it was very fun to see he's the sweetest guy in the world man listen when he was broke he was doing some amazing things i've always loved that kid yeah we were talking last night you know about houston food and i said listen you guys they were talking about queso and i'm like i'll tell you one don't even bother and they go why not you're being negative i go you know why because i hung out with raffie when he first moved here and there was 10 of them from houston and they would get together every night this was when doug gave raffie the apartment on gardener doug stanhope had an apartment on

cumston on gardener no on the apartment on the street where uh 7-11 is on sunset boulevard do you know what i'm talking about yeah there's 7-11 so the block after that was nick depolo and mitch headberg lived on that block the block after that was raffie the block after that was josh wolf in 1998 that's how it was all right that's how it was he was on cursed on or something like that then there's del whatever and then there's gardener that's where raffie lived and vista is where josh wolf lived this was a great comedy neighborhood and let me tell you something as broke as he was raffie he would leave the comedy store and invite you to his house and he would deep fry a turkey in the backyard you'd be eating deep fried turkey at 5 30 in the morning

with mashed potatoes and stuff and playa yeah he would go back to his house and cook for us they were i was telling lee they used to drive to houston 24 hours straight to bring back bloody marry mix and what's the beer they drink shiner block shiner block yeah that's how crazy they were because jody selene rest her soul stacy she died recently about six months ago rest her soul they were all friends of raffie yeah raffie knew stacy from the comedy club selene let raffie stay with her while they were getting ready and moved to la and jody's a comic from houston they all drove up really after that john westling came up with him after john westling after that fucking a bunch of other houston comics came up and they had their own little community really and they would get

together and it was always the same argument oh i went to this fucking place it says texas barbecue the place sucks i said give it up when you go to texas that's when you eat barbecue when you're here you're just gonna get ripped the fuck off for you not gonna my wife she's from the south like your wife nobody complains more than that remember so when she tries to hit me with something you're from the south correct yeah do we go to that barbecue place no because it's terrible the same fucking difference yeah that's why i don't want you cooking Cuban food we had the we were in tampa airport we went to la columbia in tampa airport and i said to liana i said you know uh i know it's an airport but this is legit Cuban food like we're in tampa

they're not having like this is Cuban people making this food and we had Cuban food she had picadillo a roast con pollo and uh no no paella um ropa vieja and then we had uh croquetas and uh and uh Cuban sandwiches i bought i just bought it all but Spanish rice and white rice and black beans and liana got so fucking into it for her birthday the other day she was like i want Cuban food so we went to la taverna cubana have you been there no where is it oh look okay yeah yeah oh yeah it's not the best oh it's not the best you gotta call next time yeah yeah yeah as soon as you walk in there you smell the food how bad this i took lee in there one time we walked out wasn't it you and i i don't think that was me me and you me and jerry wrote you walked in there

they took a little too long to get to the table and before they got to the table i go i think we should get out of there so one day i had a little bit like a regular driver he picked me and lee up for uh getting the highway dug and he gave me his number and i called him for an airport run when they left my phone is gone i called him he goes i'm right around the corner he was he said he was a cuban dude well now a lady comes back with my phone but he also brought me a cuban sandwich from that place they use us god it was yeah it's not cuban bread the only the only thing i've ever gone there was uh chicken and rice right i was complaining it was it's not bad to me i taste it okay because it's only chicken and rice but they probably didn't do it right but no they

didn't know because the roast compoyo isn't the way they say that the way they do it is a little different than when the way i had it in Tampa growing up in Tampa growing up there was a presentation to it you know um the red peppers on the sides oh over the sides and they really want to dope it up some plantains around the side the two the gooey ones not the hard ones yeah the gooey ones that's what it usually calls for you know if you're gonna go to eat cuban food in this area i'll tell you what to where to go and what to get where where do we go around here you go over the hill to Silver Lake to a place called El Cochinito El Cochinito go to the manually El Cochinito and you get yourself to pick it is my favorite it's good there because it was good there but my

favorite this is the place i used to gain in my wedding really you understand me what's the name of this place again El Cochinito but what i did was i only got the pork chunks with the white rice and the black beans smoking smoking really but i took my wife this last time on date night and we ordered the cuban fried rice listen if you like east coast fried rice get the fried rice in this place really jesus christ 500 views four stars i'm in i'm going there tomorrow you helping to your worst of mental fucking christ killer over here he goes on yelp pray he can't even go to the bathroom without yelping they have some bathrooms on yelp look at it check it out what's the one special tomorrow we i wrote them for you because i leave your ground beef

with potatoes and olives and for the whole i call it out red beans oh shit we we might be doing road trip i kind of want to go with you guys you have a late late night flight i can't go in the morning that's the best time to go but i want 30 be we could leave here at 130 be down there i'm supposed to be in anaheim tomorrow for what that's not happening we're going to get cuban food call anaheim down the conference has been canceled they want a conference they gotta pay you they gotta come over here to see you in fact as a matter of fact you're selling conferences as we speak right now the next one is uh september eighth over here at the holiday and express you'll be doing your own conference

on podcasting what's that is that five hundred hours for these fucking jerks to come and learn nothing from people haven't done that are you doing a podcasting event no i'm not i'm not i'm i'm just gonna oh shit Thursday's candy con papa it's a very nice with a boy i sound on friday invite me his paella valencia paella is a fucking chuleta sports shops every every day every day at our high school we had uh uh the palomia tremendous every day every day you have that in fucking high school every because we have cuban uh all cuban women i man i'm i must have eaten that i must have had because you could get you could get uh every day you get black beans and rice no matter what was they are serving they always made black beans

and rice and they always made uh like once a week there was every meal we had was cuban food for all because it was all cuban uh women cooking in our kitchen so every day you could get black beans rice no matter what it was spaghetti you still could get black beans and rice and the palomia you could always get that man i must have had that every and then you had uh crispy cream donuts in the morning just and brand new crispy cream donuts they're warm no not warm but they were fresh like they were still they weren't still yet dude i used to light those motherfuckers up and number two not to change this concept of the pot of what we're talking about food or whatever yeah just to get this wrapped up you also have listen i did the rogan podcast man between you

and i as friends and yeah lee and the church people who listened to it whatever you liked it i was kind of ashamed by it i was kind of ashamed that rogan let it go by the whole lot that rogan let it go there but uh i i could have done that i could have done that on cindy's podcast i laughed i was on the track hold on i'm gonna stop you i was on the treadmill so i said when the rogan's podcast started i said this is gonna be three plus hours of of something i want to see three of my favorite human beings just bullshitting getting high and drinking and i was like i'm in so i said i got on the treadmill and i'm gonna start watching and it there was a slow build the first hour was like a slow build not not even the hour 30 minutes was like you know getting warm

everyone's getting a little bit of a buzz man there was a part where i'm holding on to the sides of my treadmill doubled over laughing and i start tweeting joey Diaz is killing me right now killing me i was on the treadmill for the entire fucking podcast walking and running not running the whole time but walking and running so i'm listening it was one of my favorite it was one of my favorite podcasts i've ever listened to you were so funny that i called tom rise with the conversation we were having about later i called tom immediately when i was after i was like that i was like what tell me about it like just tell me about it he was like joey's the fucking next level man he's the funniest guy that we know we are we've been doing this for six years now yeah you know this

this is what i do two nights a fucking week and i'm trying to write a book so those these memories are fresh in my mind these crazy fucking things i bring up from the dead and i go oh my god you know i was telling me i was telling my wife today that at my mom's funeral at the wake of her best friend with white powder in her nose there's 200 people on the thing it's the second night and she goes i gotta tell you something i don't like half the people in this fucking room and i go sorry and she goes i'm telling you and your mother didn't like him either she went up by the casket and in broken english she's like can i have your attention please and she goes listen enough or nothing i see a lot of you people having a good time drinking

there's a lot of people in this room that you didn't like denora denora didn't like you do me a favor finish your drink of the fuck out of here i got shit for days that i sit here and go what the fuck just happened that's the thing about you that makes you different than that i think but then again you met with what's his name you're the fucking whatever for a thesis for a book you were the number one party kid in fucking tampa florida and shit people were driving up eight hours just to have a drink with you and some shit yeah but i'm not i'm but yeah but thickness of your life matters you know on stage i talk about how i had a childhood i even though my mom died and stuff i still remember going to dunking donuts by white castle and putting my dick on the glass

going to the child going to the counter putting my dick on the glass and ordering donuts and then ordering a donut from underneath and the lady would see your dick that's childhood no matter what was going on in my fucking life you know i'm glad i'm glad i wasn't one of those kids that came out to la and at 27 had a lot of heat and everyone was like i mean i did i did have a lot of heat at 27 but i'm glad i wasn't the guy that like i can i like not to but like i'm glad that i had to struggle and then i got had to that i didn't that i'm glad about that that when we all got into podcasting we were all looking for something and we were hungry for something and we all did something at the at the right time for us and if look if this podcasting goes away tomorrow i'm cool with

that i'm cool with this yeah i'm cool with this i learned a big lesson i learned a very big lesson and i had assumptions and this is something that you cannot doubt me on because i have my friend over there and i'll tell you every assumption i had at least i have when you look on this cup wall i hear a guy in the desert you never seen water for every assumption i've had with you has come true especially when it's come to podcasting i saw the growth i was on the road you're on the road you see the interest yeah you see the interest the number one thing people say to me is hey thank you for the free content all the time i had i was driving a forklift and i listened to you and joey ds for three hours and you guys got me to lunch and you're like dude

fuck dude i you know tremendous yeah tremendous that's the best compliment i can get i've been in new york city about to take the ferry this is great i went and did a opium whoever sam and i fucking take a cab to whatever and i'm staying in we hawking so i take the ferry over i'm out there it's freezing something goes hey i'm listening to you right now we start talking it's the greatest feeling in the world we start talking and he goes you wouldn't happen i have one of those stars of death on your window and i go you know what it's your lucky day motherfucker listen just kiddle it up i still had i just found this card about three months ago in my draw i have a card clip yeah he's like listen you and joe rogan ever want to fucking box at a jet game

and he gave me his card and it was like new york jets and i was like wow i showed rogan yeah rogan if you ever you know rogan don't want to go to a fucking jet game so it was just crazy that this guy went by the fucking jets he was about to go to work he had two cell phones in his fucking head i mean you could tell the dude was somebody nice suit and he stopped what he was doing and he was like hey what about this one that i told rogan the other day i've done some great listen some weird shit has happened yeah in the last five years that even i have been blown away the family who came up to me in front of thompson girl in portland a family a mom with the three daughters going we listen to your podcast and the little girl's like yeah suck and like oh my god

was three weeks ago and i went to get this haircut i went to jiu jitsu i took like a Puerto rican shower i wiped down with that thing i went to the clean jiu jitsu where it's always really clean i go to different places some weeks yeah and uh i went over and i got a heck of a 245 245 i'm fucking you know my hair cuts at three yeah i can't come all the way home it's right by portals i'm right by portals the line's too long i don't even have time to wait for a fucking sandwich and get to the bar but i'm watching and there's fucking hundreds of people walking and magnolia between magnolia is dead all the way up to portals and then from portals for about a half a mile let's rock it yeah in the daytime they got a cuban coffee shop and cotarito they got a pie

place they got a there's a red wing shoe place yeah there's uh uh what's that blood he's in the makeup store they have that they find outside don't they have like a famous don't donut place or something ollie gets her haircut around there something i guess so i went over there and i parked right on magnolia you know i'm a fucking savage you know i'm a savage what do you think i know i got 15 minutes to kill i gotta get a haircut this is the first time in there i'm a little nervous i know the chick let a number you know i did i put the air on and i opened up the window i'm watching these white people in burbank looking around for who's smoking and i'm blowing clouds out of the sunroof yeah with the fucking head blasting you understand with the music on like

nobody's even in the car i'm sitting on the cover cop you know me i got tactics i'm an ex burglar there's just smoke coming out but there's no no no when i got the air on and then from time to time i opened up the back window and it was right on the corner it was right on the corner so people were crossing the street yeah could smell it you're opening up the windows so now i leave the windows down after the joint was done i put it back in the tube the perennial gives you a tube i put it back in the tube and i put it in the door handle so when i walk out i take it with me and dump it on the fucking in the garbage so i sit in the corner 10 minutes boom it's three o'clock i pull up the windows the cars all aired out i spray it from breeze and i walk across the street i walk to the

corner i don't even walk out of my car and jay walk because burbank they kind of weird yeah yeah burbank they see you you're looking at your phone you're getting two tickets don't fuck around on magnolia jack oh yeah by the seven eleven though that's where they kill you they wane at that light and if you don't hear you when you're at a light like this what's the first thing you're doing you're in a light well you're fidgety right yeah you got 12 fucking clicks to the fucking guy puts his hand on it becomes a yellow that means actually you got from the time of fucking light turns yellow to red it's three seconds so if it says 12 yeah if you go reach to your left and you go like this in burbank yeah and just to see what time it is and that cop is over there you're getting pulled on yeah

so here i am reeking a fucking reefer reeking i closed my car door and i walked the proper way on to the sidewalk and i walked on the crosswalk well guess who's at the fucking cross now i know that this don't smell like reefer because i smell something from breeze on me but you always got that essence of patois when you smoke the joint in your car it just sinks into your clothing yeah with my luck guess who stands next to me who the fuck do you think comes and stands next to me worse than a cop especially for guys like me and you because we understand where they're coming from kid that's a mom with a kid with a stroller with a kid and i am embarrassed and i feel like the biggest piece of shit junkie there is i really need to

smoke a joint i'm magnolia really joey yeah really joey 54 years old and i'm standing i look up and there's like 92 clicks left like that i'm not going anywhere she's standing next to me she's gonna smell the weed with her kids she's gonna comment i would i would it's fucking two o'clock really joey you're really gonna be high fucking two o'clock do you know that we take 10 steps together she looks over at me and i see her take a double look and by the time we get to the sidewalk i walk over first to let her in you know you have to if you have a child get to go to that side where yeah yeah yeah and the whole time she was looking at me and she goes hey man i love you on the jeroen podcast and i literally shit my fucking pants she smelled the reefer that's why

she was smiling oh do you know how good i felt that's the first time that's a woman that's a redeeming really a guy like me what anybody who comes up and says hey i see you on the podcast like this like a dick that would be the ideal situation and this woman was a burbank mom yeah to understand me this just i understand you if you understand i understand you when she looked at me and smiled like wow this is burbank is the expensive part of the valley yes that's where when you live it's it's burbank i had no idea i didn't know and and like those little small houses are astronomical prices first of all tomorrow we'll get high and we'll take a click with us see how many houses are for sale in burbank take and we'll take a look it's a lot people inside the house in

burbank because it's a great school district amazing school it's like the people on sale it's insane where joey and i live people are buying houses for two million dollars that's how good the school district is and like and like and we're we're in the cheap of that like we're not living in those mansions i'm renting and i love it and we look around and we're going to find the right fucking thing one day and we're going to catch somebody asleep yeah that's it either that or we're praying for an earthquake once the earthquake hits these motherfuckers run out of here they're 94 we're building a pool we're not going anywhere are you are going under the ground lian lian lian is fucking happy she's happy she's got the car she wants she's got the house she wants the girls

are happy they love their high school their middle school i think they're gonna go to private school george i think they're both going to go to private school next year why uh because george is going to go to high school and north hollywood high school isn't the best high school and i think there's there's like a zoom magnet that's really good i don't know i'm only listening but there's i think lian wants her and them to go to this this private school that our friends kids right now you work very hard you go on the road you earn every dollar you get the podcast you got your little tv shows when you were 25 did you ever think that you were going to be coming home to support a family and not blink and i when that was 25 you couldn't get a dollar out of me

i think you were fucking with my wife and that was my kid you understand me i'm the one that was digging trenches joey 28 i loosened up we're in uh we're in london i'm doing a show in london i'm i'm doing a podcast in london i fly the girls over right in like a sofa bed on new zealand air i'm gonna fly them over not not not first class but in a nice thing i fly over first class right i get us a driver we go out to go see this castle with our friends and we go up to this little this little uh in on the temms river on the way to go to this castle we're going to and the driver hops out and i'm getting ready to hop out and leanne stops me she goes take two seconds and feel really proud of yourself i said why she goes your silly little jokes

afforded all of this like just you coming up with silly jokes you just and you know it's one of the things i love about stanhope it's like i had that moment where i went like oh yeah man i just i just have like a i just i think i'm a good person i think that's number one that's why i work you know i'm good person but i do i like being silly and i like giggling i like having a good time but i i had a great moment that i thought not only can i afford to pay for their lunch but i can pay i can afford this trip off of stand-up off of stand-up comedy and then i called stanhope one night this is one of my favorite stanhope stories and it's not a great story but it's just it's it's nuanced i think if you're a comic you get it i called stanhope i'm uh sitting in the man cave

i'm having a cocktail every now and then we'll just call and just talk for a little while i just called him up i go hey what are you doing he's like uh sitting out outside the fun house having a cigarette having a vodka in my pajamas just trying to think of some goofs i said what he goes just thinking of some goofs you know so like goofs is that goofy things i go you're 50 and you're your life consists of sitting around in your pajamas having a cocktail thinking of goofs i go that is the fucking dream job right there is being 50 years old and just sitting around and day dreaming about something that's silly you know it's the best the if you said dream job is you on rogan the other day and you go is changing flavors when i heard that i was doubled

fucking over and i went that's no just i mean that's for anyone else that's no job but that's your job oh it's the fucking i might be too fucked up to have these thoughts i'll never forget that teacher like i farted it's changing flavors like listen to what happened i farted and it took over the bus for about 20 minutes right and it was those windows that you had to open up this one with the two with the two things you had to pinch them and drop them that never worked and they had the windows open and they're like this is changing flavors they're smelling out the window right oh my god oh that's terrible half of the people going like this right so then yeah it's settled down for like 20 minutes and about 20 minutes later my stomach is fucking hurting

it's on fire i'm like oh my god i can't fart again and all of a sudden i felt that warm and just slip out of my head and i was on the outside seat it was two men per seat and the guy next to me never even said it's coming from here i paralyzed them or something i'm nervous the beauty of this was that so that the first fart took over about 20 minutes and they were like actually like it's changing like it is the beauty of it that like one by one that we're going what flavor was the first one it was death the first time so now they're taking their hands off and this is what i remember i don't forget that they were like is it safe oh my god the chili is the front of the bus they're like oh that was so bad and we're in the back and some

of the guys again and you know there was a dude like moots he was like 300 pounds and all he ate was mozzarella cheese moots he was the first one they were looking at god rest his soul you know there was a couple dudes that were a little chubbier you know at that time i was 140 148 really it didn't really look like it come out of me i just ate like a bad stake them yeah a bad star i miss stake them oh my god i had next thing you know i feel that warm air coming out of my what do you mean he feels coming out it's in this game here's the funny thing but it was quiet for about two minutes and listen to hear somebody go oh no and people like no no open and all of a sudden the teacher's mouth and he goes he's changing flavors oh it was terrible and next you know it was bad

this one was like the thickness of it i dropped three of them that night that was the second one the second one had them going fucking bananas like oh no bus driver please pull over i'm gonna get sick like that shit like that type of shit and the people were saying put puke in your bags if you need to puke and i'm sitting there howling and it all at howling i drop another one like i gave him 20 minute breather in between the first and the second one this one was a trembler i hit him with one and like six minutes later they got the core of the asshole and they could not deal with it the chili is recrying it's not going to stop it's not going to stop maybe it's not the they started blaming on the engine they were blaming it they were blaming it on everything they could

till this day those people don't know that it was my juicy asshole they don't know the only reason why i didn't say that was me it was because the chili is you're a you're a fucking freshman yeah i'm gonna be known for the kid who's stunk up the bus by all those girls no those girls are gonna date me so i couldn't come out and say i'm the guy if that was just a bus filled with football guys oh my god i would have pulled my own finger i would have got up and lit my asshole on fire that's what happened the second time he goes oh no he's changing the flame and he held on to his face i was on the treadmill and i grabbed on to both the handlebars on the side and was double over laughing it was it's funny because it's like you're watching joe lose his

shit tommy lose his shit and you're oblivious to the fact that it's that funny i took the comic to brea when i was booking brea on wednesday nights viny light bulbs ak viny capola moved to north hollywood and i bumped into him and i asked him if he had a gig and i gave him a and in front of viny i told the story about that place in tennessee but i went on stage and the chick was the husband was oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and she blew me and then she went back you told me that story one night but not on a podcast just talking like who does that happen to man not me who goes to noxville comedians and i like that club i'd never been to that club but i've seen it because it's a new club no the old the old one the one that was like that white box or

that box this was when i was there was in a hotel it belonged to heff okay it was a two night i was a friend in heff from charlotte yeah yeah i don't know that guy all those guys yeah creative entertainment brothers or something i don't know i don't know what the deal was the deal when i moved away there was a manager here that i signed with and he had just left creative yeah they were huge because they had carrot top they were huge he's a man he was huge at that time they had just shot the movie and the three guys were like we can't fight over carrot top so let's just split them three ways and went apart you know they got greedy because there was three guys and they one of them said we should manage them and i don't of course because there's three guys they want the big deal the big deal

it's not about like getting this career off the ground you know burt you said something interesting Joe Rogan has been saying that for 20 years Ralphie said it to me today when i spoke with him and i realized it six years ago was standing up comics i was a mediocre stand-up comic that i started this podcast mediocre at best i was a funny guy that didn't know how to organize anything and i started listening to rogan i started going back to the county store six years i've been back five years whatever it is i started watching the league and sebastian and run white and chappelle and you know i remember going to columbus the first time for justin and just eating a bag of dicks the whole weekend and he didn't book

me for a year strew and i'm like i know why because i ate a bag of dicks i wasn't really headlining now we got it down now it all came together at the same time the stand-up the form the the fucking technique now you have you add this aspect to it you add the aspect of coming on to a podcast telling your point of view about something but at the same time explaining why you're saying that point of view you lived it you have to give it a chance and let it breathe for a few days yeah you can make assumptions you know it's like what happened today shocked the fucking world i mean shocked me i had just gotten some weed and i put it in front of the heater to dry i left it in front of the heater to dry and i went to take mercy swimming and while i'm

sitting there watching mercy swimming i'm like i've got to take the heater off so while they were showing getting dressed i ran home the heater was off i was so high i forgot that i fucking turned it off yeah but as i was walking out we called me and said that john jones had been yeah whatever with the steroids it was a kick to my fucking stomach like it was a kick to my fucking stomach you know uh i went back my wife was putting mercy in the car i gotta tell you something when you get in here i'm gonna believe this you know we're both here for him yeah we both uh uh believe something you know and i was disappointed and my wife couldn't fucking believe it you know she was like how could this happen then we went to eat and a friend called and she was just going

on she's like i finally believed him blah blah blah blah and you know he's in his fucking 20s bird I think if you drew a million dollars at me when I was in my 20s I was gonna show up at six o'clock in the morning somewhere. I hope you don't really believe that Yeah, I really hope you don't believe that that when I was 27 If you gave me 20,000 dollars and said I had to be somewhere to eat in the morning. I was gonna be there. I Wouldn't be there. Oh my 20s were a fucking disaster. I don't know about you Lee was a little bit more controlled. He took his he didn't take as many chances There's some people I went crazy like looking at me from what I did like the stuff I have done

I would never thought I would do that stuff at all what like the acid. Yeah, that stuff and then like stand up and Life is an experience man, and so we had nothing happens to you do it You know, yeah, like you could sit there and read all the books you want about scumbags with a diss and you're buying into that bullshit Meanwhile, you're sitting there reading about somebody else's fucking life. You fucking moron, you know, I Were talking about the other day how we grew up in the areas we grew up and I like to figure out how many people actually left our area Why came not many no I came from they either went to Miami and When they do vacation they go to Miami or Atlantic City. That's a big weekend the AC Some of them left for I wouldn't have left if I had family

Oh, I would have never left if I had family. I had no family I had a chance to fucking get up and go watch what was going on. They stand up got me to leave. I Was like I can't do stand up in Florida. I'll just end up standing in Florida I'll be I'll be funny. I'll get a radio gig and I'll just stand Florida Like I'll never leave and I won't be ever run my own radio show because I don't have that kind of interest in that I'll just be the third bike of God. I would have ended up so fucking hacky. I Thank God I left you're lucky because the warrants got me to leave Really the warrants a couple loan sharks. I had no show had no fucking clue

Then I left made it out of there that nobody said nothing I went back and got more and got greed and I started fucking around with drug dealers. Yeah in front of me fucking drug dealers and then I had a fucking leave and I'm happy I did I love every time I go to San Francisco The second day it destroys me really yeah, because that's the first one. I went to I went to first I went to basalt And then I lived in basalt for a month and a half and We were gonna give up the house and me and my buddy from Jersey moved to a apartment Snowmass and we were there for a while

And then I started burglarizing the businesses and drove drug dealers in the area in snowmouse And they got hot to me and I came back to Jersey and I used by the way friend no one who's ever been to Aspen or Aspen is such a small community. Oh please It was terrible terrible terrible burglarizing almost shamed 1200 people. I still remember Christmas Eve 1984 It was not a glad said For business size Merrick more for businesses burglarized on Christmas Eve. You know that was but me being at home feeling sorry for myself I had a little package of coke in my pocket. I don't let me go for a fucking walk and see who's that I I

Fucking go for a walk. I don't know. It's the only bar that's open on Christmas Eve filled with losers I'll never forget those one guy playing the bongo enough. I get this is clear as day And a friend of mine took a bottle shook it up and shouted at the guy like what the fuck is wrong with your life That's at the tone for the night and those days. They used to drink southern comfort nourish juice It's called a tequila sunrise. No, no, no, it's called a southern sunrise. What are you an American bartender? You know, I have had that drink. I had that drink one time. Oh, I had it at Malleos at this time. That was my drink I was 19 maybe 20 and I do listen I'm gonna be honest with you one of the things I didn't like about drinking was

You come to me on a Tuesday night and go Joey. I got enough money for an A-ball. Let's take a ride I'm like, you know, I go fuck you soon Give me a southern comfort Give me a second-come-son comfort. Give me a third-son comfort I'll do anything for you So I would go I would be a regular guy And in those days, I would have three or four southern comforts and I became fucking cocoa You know, I would leave dad like a fucking savage

And I would have to rob something Like I would have to rob kick in the door Something yeah, it was crazy. There's one night. I left this fucking place. It was like two in the morning It's fucking Christmas. I Got no girlfriend. I Live with a guy. He's got a girlfriend. They're gone. I'm gonna go back and finish this package in my pocket I don't miss what the fuck's going on and I kicked in like four doors and Finally one door I found the safe, you know, I did the safe to go and those they're safe to go

Oh and those days safe for the go You just grab the same and walk out. I'm a fucking one of those carts. Oh That's crazy Then you take it home and bang on it for three hours like you know what you're doing And finally got a call around for a week until you're gonna give me a guy who knows how to have a blowtorch with a shut And up with those slippery fingers Lee leave your sleep. No, I'm just I can't believe what I'm hearing. Yeah, like how do you Like are you worried about the cops coming when I was a kid? I watched the movie called thief. Yeah

I was and it fucking molded me. So I wanted to be a full-time thief. So for a while I remember I brought when I robbed Martin the fag, you know, I did it. Oh, I fucking got those suction cups I thought I was fucking the pink panther. I got suction cups Like an idiot bird Christ, you ready for this? Yeah, cuz you know me. I was Johnny mafia You've learned to be a burglar on move from movies. Well, you just like to call their tricks Huh, you'd like to take all the tricks from movie movie burglars. Oh my god. That's what you did Put on fucking I'm not Lee you are I the thief you are the highest I've ever seen you. No

We haven't real we gotta we're still doing the second half of the podcast. We're gonna eat some more stars How long how long have we been going three hours? Oh, we should probably wrap it up. I have to work out in the morning Let me tell you something. I watched this movie. I'm movie the thief with James Kahn 1981 you never saw this did you just one scene. I'll show you and you go home and tell me and you got to watch it Just put it up. What scene click it up on the fucking thing You know, hey, what was the deal with Ellen Chenoweth? Is she Christian Chenoweth's? No, no No, no, no, no, you're horrible Really what you only six them Lee stuck in play I with more than six how many jeep you gave me like eight

I ain't like 12. Yes, of course. No. I had 10 that was it today two thousand just like what are you doing? We you type you sending a letter to the Navy Chai So I watched this movie and And then I went back to Jersey and my friend Turned me on to his friend and he used to get me jobs to go to warehouses in case the joints up And let him know where the safe was and shit like that thief English subtitles. Hold on. Hold on. Was there no Pressing the thief James Cahn With capital letters, please

What is it? What are we the first grade? There you go. There you go. No, just James Cahn. Yeah All right, click on the badass Nobody ever saw this movie that one like Cahn's watch this and I'm gonna show you something else two guys You're gonna learn something from watching the scene You know, I don't show you no fucking bullshit Lee. I've been rocking your world all week You This is what's his names you even get a delivery or something sit down see what My name is Frank and that was bullshit

What is this is Joe gags 185,000 of my money we have this problem. What problem? What are you talking about? He was moving my merchandise Sort of money in his pocket when he went out the window is my money This is a plating company. What are you telling me this shit shit? I want my money Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Frank. Lala. Whatever Some guy died. Yes Your state goes to probate take it to probate call. What do you bug me with this?

I come here to discuss a piece of business with you and what are you gonna do you're gonna tell me fairy tales Hey, who the fuck are you slick? Somebody knows you. What are you crazy or what? I don't know you I don't know some clown named gags. Go ahead. Go see what you gotta do. Get out of here. Carl Go ahead. Get the fuck out of here Hold it. All right. All right Hey, do what he says Do what he says. Lay down Go ahead. Put your hands on your head. Spread your legs. Now

Hey, you you goof look at the wall I am the last guy in the world that you want to fuck with You found my money on gags Let us pretend that you don't know whose money it is. That's right for christ's sake. I don't know who you are Three hours I will call the set of meat You will pay me my money $185,000

You This is how the movie starts. Oh wow that time This one this movie was fucking The problem with this movie is it didn't hit the country They came out on HBO. Wow and it was on the same month as the raging bull And uh Hollywood nice click on to that one scene under is you go all the way to the thing All right, the other one the other direct there click on to that

This movie will blow your fucking mind and you're also gonna Who directed this Lee? You know directed this the guy that did miami wise. He's big time. He directed heat All he did when he wrote heat was rewrite this Nobody saw it Wait, uh, I know he's Michael man Michael man This is it He released this in 81. Nobody saw it Get out of here

This is jack off Oh Heck of a Hey car sales you ritzy you remember my name now I've come enough Since the police department Isn't that high too Many Puerto Ricans

Asshole, I'm Italian I'm pleased to meet you ugly waps out of a bitch You're a stand-up guy You're a real stand-up guy You got a mouth you can take a trimming You could make things easy for everybody, but no you got to be a goof You're real good No balance strictly professional

I'd probably like you Like to go to the track ball games Stuff like that, you know Frank There's ways of doing things that round off the corners make life easy for everybody What's wrong with that There's plenty to go around We know what you take down

We know you got something major coming down soon But no you got to come on like a stiff prick Who the fuck do you think you are? What's the matter with you? You got something to say you're uh, you Waiting for me to ask you to dance. It never occurred to you To try to work for a living take down your own scores Okay, fuck this guy. I'll tell you sir. I'm gonna be on your ass so much

You're gonna get careless and on that day I'm gonna be in that place And that is the last place That you want to be because no matter what happens I will never ever take a pinch from a greasy motherfucker like you There goes two-way breath get this asshole out of here Out of loose Tell you guys if you get the chance to watch this movie From beginning to I want to watch it now. Who's it? Who are who's it the cast?

I think I feel like I know the cast the cast is death the cast is Belushi's brother And you ready for this one? Yeah Uh the country west is singer Go back to see for a second there cuz And the guys that laid down on the floor when he told them go back to scenes Like scenes from the youtube that you had before You know who's one of those guys that lays down?

Dennis farina Is that who that was that's who it was. I was thinking it was his first movies No, no, not the guy that shakes him down and he calls a Puerto Rican to know that shit. Who's that? He was an actor that was around for that I think he did a couple episodes of miami vice But he was basically in a tv show that michael man did called crime story What year was this? Which one am I looking at 1981 the thief james con? Okay, keep going all right. Yeah, james con keep going scroll willy nelson. Yeah willy knows james belushi. Yeah, keep going

Dennis farina Scroll down willy for a love of christ Hold on keep going It ending ending Or confrontation You see it up there right in front of you the up more up more right there the next one there you go You're fucking this one's a competition too. I need my confrontation. There you go. I'm giving you some good fucking scenes here

This movie guys drove me fucking crazy. I was done. I wasn't gonna go to college. I was gonna do nothing with my life I was gonna get a gun and figure out how to open up safes for 11 Yeah Yeah, this is one of the movies from the 80s the problem with movies from the 80s is It takes a long time to get the way you're going. Yeah. Yeah Now at this time this guy sitting on the couch was baked from hill street blues You This is you know, you ever see those movies that you look and you go

That's an easy script. I could have wrote that. Yeah, this is one of those scripts that you're like, this was a pretty good fucking script The fucking the way they yeah, no you can just tell that guy. Who's that guy right there? He was anything shot in chicago. They used this. Yeah, I know that guy. These are all chicago actors All those movies they just that film of crew the blue What is that? The breakfast club all those movies they were doing brothers the blues brothers Oh, wow, that seems a little bit much. I would definitely thought I would do that What are you gonna do sometimes you gotta hit people in the head

Look at the mother. She's like, you know what? I don't know nothing I don't know nothing. I'm not gonna call nobody. I don't want to know nothing. I'm just in the city in west my novella He's gone Yeah, this movie had some scenes that you're like, Jesus and And Bert it was on every night Either in the same order. HBO didn't have a lot of money in 1982. This is an HBO movie This was a movie that I first saw on HBO

And I first started seeing this in HBO like january of february of 82. It was on every night followed by raging bull Or hollywood knights or they would flip flop So every night I'd get home the nights I wouldn't do blow I'd get home And me and Mike runny would walk down the path mark With like 10 bucks shoplift 10 bucks worth of stuff Go home make milkshanks eat a sandwich and watch this

He's walking down a hallway Was a gun. Thank you, Lee I forgot to narrate it. I didn't know I thought they could see it, but unless you're home watching you can't see it Danny all you need to know is This weekend you sit there with your thumb up your fucking ass watching preseason football Watch a film. That's a classic 1981 the thief James con

Tuesday Weld willy nelson And baloo shit And baloo. She's brother and I gotta tell you some baloo. She's brother's fucking goodness I saw him on a plane one time And I was gonna say something to him, but I said, you know what? I opened my mouth By oh Shit grandpa had a gun too Grandpa's always got a gun. That's right

All right now fast forward into him walking outside Right there kicking right there All right, this guy just wakes up and comes out of his fucking coconut. He shoots him first Oh, I like the music. Oh, yeah, this is tangerine dream. They were fucking hot in the 80s 70s Look at my boy. Look at james con shooting like a month. Look at Dennis farina's first movie There you go That little history for you motherfuckers And I think coda silence was his second movie with fucking chuck norris

Who the fucking think you're dealing with berg christian some fucking novice. Look at Dennis farina Beautiful head of hair. Oh god, yeah Oh, no, he's got a bulletproof vest on he ain't fucking around he's james con jack Yeah Michael man was thinking of doing a part two of this but he just rewrote it and turned it into heat Into the hedges for you in his first death in a movie If I ever have to do a top 10 movie podcast, this will be in the top 10 and I'll blow your fucking mind throughout this movie Oh bulletproof vest told you he had a vest on this guy came prepared back. He was ready for war this motherfucker zombie farina

Listen dog. He paid his wife to leave the baby to leave. He blew up all his businesses He became a zombie. He has a suitcase in the back of that car with cash And he's going somewhere to fucking hide. He's done He was robbing for himself making a great living He got in bed with some fucking jerks off They tried to rob him. He said i'm getting my money from him They got pissed off And that's the end of the movie. He walks away solo

Like michael jackson And 77 you know what i'm saying? I like that jib shot Listen for you fucking savages. I will be at the ontario improv Thursday friday and saturday my brother here Mr. Burke christian will be at stand-up live got it in phoenix Thursday friday saturday first show thursday eight o'clock. Listen. That's the best show of the night You're gonna show up. You're gonna smoke a couple two solutes And we do a little extra time because we're trying to find the fucking right combination for the night

friday early obese sensational friday late obese sensational then again If you want to be a momo and watch the fight go ahead and not Come on down to either fucking stand-up live in phoenix Or ontario improv in the ontario mills mall and hang out with your fucking uncle joey Take a chance columbus did all right. That's how we're doing it before I leave I just want to mention one thing to you fucking savages That's very important. You want to look good in your underwear and be comfortable, right? But the perfect balance is hard to find

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lending tree llc and mls number 1136 Terms and conditions apply. I want to thank lending tree I want to thank me undies. I want to thank honnit. I want to thank my main man Bert christier for coming in. I love you, jimmy with a bottle a couple stars a knife Lee got a little prep because he's a fucking professional and that's how we do it I'll see you motherfuckers in ontario and burt christier

I'll see you at stand-up live in phoenix. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart Stay black. Have a great weekend. Thank you very much for listening. You fucking savages I've got to run to keep from that And I'm bound to keep on that I've got one more silver dollar But I'm not gonna let them catch me no I'm not gonna let them catch them in that matter I don't own the clothes I'm wearing

And the road goes on forever And I've got one more silver dollar But I'm not gonna let them catch me no I'm not gonna let them catch them in that matter I don't own the clothes I'm wearing And the road goes on forever And I'm not gonna let them catch me no I'm not gonna let them catch me no

I'm not gonna let them catch me no I'm not gonna let them catch me no I'm not gonna let them catch me no I'm not gonna let them catch me no And I've got one more silver dollar And I've got one more silver dollar but I'm not gonna let them catch me no No, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I

'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no, I'm not gonna let him catch me, no.