Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #512 - Adam Ray

Episode Date: August 30, 2017

Adam Ray, Comedian, actor, and co-host of the "About Last Night Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 100% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000.   LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 08/29/2017.


Greetings ball sniffers welcome to the church of what's happened now this episode is brought to you, and I love to welcome My bookie dot AG listen ever since I started this podcast People always ask for weekly advice on who to bet who's gonna cover the spread you got the Patriots You got the Steelers the doubt the Cowboys Chicago Mayweather McGregor don't fucking stop Well, let me tell you this where you're betting it is just as important to who you're betting on That's why I always tell people to go to my bookie dot AG. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do join now today because Football seasons here college football seasons here, and you got to be ready to go no bullshit

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But 80% of people only get one mortgage offer and if you go to your bank come on chances are you're gonna get ripped off? Screwed period lending treat doesn't want that to happen. So I'm gonna tell you what they're gonna do Are you sure you have the best deal right now? I mean you're sitting there looking at your mortgage. Come on. What do I do? Here we go the best deal find out how much you could save today at lending treat calm slash church again That's lending tree comm slash church Lending tree LLC and ML else number one one three six Terms and conditions apply kick that motherfucking mule Lee So church what's happening now bitches check yourself

We're going into the fourth quarter of the year and you're still dickin around get your shit together Here we go. Oh Shit Fuck our lawn And You say you can't touch this and I wouldn't touch a punk mother fucker Oh boy, I'm a dope, but don't come Motion picture I got your bitch up my nigga get witcher and

As good as it gets motherfucker here you go Here you go You Are you fucking kidding me or what? Wednesday the 30th Get it your shit together motherfuckers. I got Adam Ray. Yeah, baby I got my main motherfucking Christ killer Lee sciat and your uncle Joey's here on point Ready to rock with you motherfuckers before we get up the podcast started. I like to

extend my heart to the victims of what's going on in Houston RV and We donate today in the name of the church to the Red Cross. I know they'll get 30 cents on the dollar and That's not really enough to cover, but I'm thinking of doing a show getting a bunch of comics and Going down the improv and getting like a real fucking shelter that's helped people and maybe do a benefit So before we get this podcast started just a little fucking shout out to Houston to keep your chin up I know it's you won't even probably be able to listen to this shit because You got no electricity. You're stuck in a fucking gym, but hey, I love you cocksuckers. What's happening gentlemen How are you what the fuck is going on?

What a great a great thing to do by the way Yeah, no, you have to do something not not to you know spend too much time on on that topic But fuck I read some stories and watch some images today that were just like I Mean unfathomable, you know, you're just like fucking You know, I remember in Seattle when it like flooded once in in the backyard of our house And I went out there as a kid and like I was like nine years old and I was like fucking free swimming pool You know, and I'm fucking swimming in the back with one of my playmobil like toys and it fucking fell apart And it was like devastating, but like I was like, oh, it's fine a flood

Like then you see some of these people in actual like boats and cars and you're like, oh, that's real They had an image they have a dog With his head outside the sunroof yeah, and the fucking wall and the water climbing, you know, it just Well, you can't even imagine it, you know, and it's happening Katrina. What 10 years? Yeah, yeah years ago or 12 years ago And some of those people people who were displaced by Katrina. Yeah, that's the saddest part That's the saddest part so and the thing that I took away from it Obviously, it's like the most terrible thing that could happen to a family to anyone but it really

It really like made me almost happy in a way just to see the response Because we've been felt for the past few months. Just everything has been negative. I feel like Every news story reads everyone's upset. Everyone's negative and It's just that like even though this was terrible. It's just saying it feels it feels like it's like it's like after almost It's after like anything bad. It just it feels like there's still good people It's like when you're in elementary school and your PE teacher like he's been sick for like, you know He's like the shit at your school and he's been sick for like eight months And then he and then you find out that he's like coming back

But he like only to like teach some of the games that the new teacher is fuck I look this analogy sounded great in my head, but I feel like it's it's pretty close to it You know I'm saying where basically what you're saying is like Seeing just to piggyback on it and I guess say it say it again in a different voice because the same shit That was a great sentiment. I can't do it better, but it was like, you know, the fact that you're seeing some positivity A unification of people because it hasn't happened in fucking Dean. I mean nine months And the craziest thing is it's been even longer than that. Yeah, like I got I got a lot of grief from family members just for not voting the last election and

But my aunt who who's a little bit older said something very and I didn't even think about it since I've been in seventh grade since 2001 There's been like constant war Jesus constant like terrorists like like that. That's what it just there hasn't really been peace for about 16 years. Yeah So it's just like it. We've almost become used to it. I think and we wait You fucking walk the Starbucks three days a week and you work two nights a fucking week What conflict do you have in your fucking life? You went to college for four years You came on here you work as an editor and then I got my paws on you

You work two days a week and your fan your balls the rest of the fucking time I got to give you a hundred bucks to get you out of a fucking house and you're talking about what conflict Have you had in your fucking life? There's no conflict You didn't vote because you didn't fucking feel like voting you shouldn't have said nothing to him in the first place What do they give a fuck just tell him you and tell him it's not that business or you voted for Yeah, it's gonna talk to you about 2001 and terrorists. What the fuck I was raised with Vietnam When people were coming home and fucking stabbing themselves and getting spit on and shit and that affected me But it did not cause me to vote. You know what caused me to vote having felonies. That's what caused me not to vote

So stop with the fucking analogies that is killing this country. Yeah, we think about everything We got two things killing this now. We got two things overthinking overthinking and that fucking internet That internet gives everybody a fucking boy, you know today you're gonna say all the fucking shit walking in there Yeah, and Melania people making fun of her because she had heels on yeah with sneakers Yeah, it never ends. Yeah, it never fucking ends. Yeah, you know the Floyd Mayweather thing now It never ends. It's three or four fucking days that these people realize why their lives are fucked up Yeah, because they focus on everything except themselves Wow, think about your fucking lives a powerful do not even ten minutes in the fucking idea what tough is my friend

We don't look at that little kid with sand in his eyes in Aleppo having to go to a detention center That's fucking tough. You weren't in Boston living in your mom's house getting three meals a day Yeah, what did you give a fuck? You don't give a fuck. You don't care I'm not saying I have but yeah, you've lived through a lot of bad shit I'm just saying it was nice to see nice people in Houston. No, but then you were saying the other thing about yeah Cuz I've been you've waited for 16 years brother by the news. I'm not saying obviously People's into the news. There's good news. I mean, how could the news berate a human being? What do you mean? Because it does that's why people don't watch the news

There's some good stuff peppered in don't you gotta be I mean there's no good stuff the last ten minutes They showed you a guy in fucking Oklahoma that makes tables from fucking sperm And that's build America tough and they in they show you the swimmer with no ears that can go to the bottom of the You know, that's I gotta wait fucking two or forty minutes Yeah, that's a very new newscast God forbid you Hunger Fucking 530 KTLA news. Yeah, and listen to that shit from six it's a 20 after six It will pollute you for the rest of the day. It's all the craziest of the crazy, right?

So what happens is it's not like man discovered a new way to fly hot air balloons what happens is the Pete your coat workers They watch that shit, too And then they go into your office and just when you thought you were safe. They repeat all this bullshit They hear that shit to your ears you know They're using that as their basis for like, you know, just the way they think it's a fucking nightmare. I'm what we've become You know, somebody had a great quote today that The internet was where what you did to escape from life now life is what you do to escape the internet

Whoa, who said that somebody and people reach weakness today I would love to know and I would love to know that it's not like tea. I love like it was like Denzel I love the combat. I love everything about this, but it really is killing us It really is killing us, you know every time I hear about people getting run over by car those terrorist things I gotta think about all the people that were looking down. Oh Yeah, I was raised to walk and pay the fuck attention Pay a lot attention sit straight. Yeah straight ahead that guy looks a little weird You make believe you're not watching them, but you're fucking watching

You know, you pay attention. Yeah, I don't know nothing about nothing. I don't want to know nothing about nothing You know what when I was growing up, I grew up with guys and when you got in the car, they didn't giggle with nothing They pay the tension, you know, we were going all of them to pick up a fucking half a kilo of cocoa Do you feel like the world was just as scary where you needed to pay attention or was just because you had nothing You didn't he had a minimal described reason to be distracted. You've always got to pay attention I go to a coffee shop the last four weeks. I've been going every day. Yeah, what do you get? It's funny to sit in between people And listen to

The new american sentiment How people get together for an hour and a half to discuss who gots who gots who gots You want to stop what you're doing and smack them in the fucking face the six of them down there every morning And then every afternoon, I always got the actor chick with the actor guy that can't book a headshot That they're playing on producing their own film and they have drink and you sit there. You want to hit them with the chair

You know, listen, yeah, you're a fucking confused black chick and this poor fucking chinese guy couldn't get away this job With a chinese restaurant and you wonder why nobody wants to hire you in the fucking movies Look at my face. Even I got hired because I had charisma You two motherfuckers don't have a chance. You don't even got charisma Dude, charisma is the ultimate charisma And that's what you uh, but you know, people don't know about it because they don't have it Lee and the reason why I said that is because I don't want that kind of door to the church no more Yeah, we're tough motherfuckers. We're soldiers. The media only fact there's nothing that affects us. We got to put that out

Nothing bad has happened. You lived in your mother's house. You never had a weapon in your hand Nobody's ever shot a gun at you. You've never heard a bomb go off You've never had ten Puerto Ricans with knives. Unless it was the song bombs over back I've heard that a few times what I've been trying to do for the last five years is tough and yep You want to go eat korean sandwiches and convey about and all that convey you work you work away from me And that's why I'm healthy We're trying to put something together here and get the thought conscience out Because that's what the thought is

That's what the thought is when you get that out of your mind. There's an american That's where your life starts. You've grown on your own When the day that you go none of this really matters What matters is that I should be in school. Yeah, I should be getting an education I'm this age. I should be supporting the household. This is what I should be making These are the steps I have to take Bro, what happened to me? I thought Well, Mick Jagger's recording in the world. How does that affect your life? Yeah, you know, they're in studio. Who gives a fuck?

How does that affect me? What do I give a fuck about Mick Jagger? That's what you realize now when you're young you have your mind in all these fucking places for no reason You know on wednesday when you're young you start thinking about saturday Remember when you were 20 you thought about saturday. Oh, yeah, dude So you got arrested one saturday. They didn't think about saturdays no more In rosarito my junior year of college. It's so weird when you listen to people's conversations in coffee shop And listen to the new american sorrow

Everybody has a sorrow about something especially in studio city where I live Everybody has people love to have problems don't they? People love to say this and they pull up when I'm going through something right now. They pull up in a bnw Yeah, but you don't get it that they don't you think I want to drive this car Yeah, I don't understand what my life stuff man The dilemma is like what is that they add this shit to their lives that doesn't belong there No, dude, doesn't even really matter to you. Yeah, you know, it doesn't really even fucking matter to you You got a shelf that that wants to hold as much

Great stuff as possible. So it's like no fucking don't it took me five years to go out and add this fantasy for five years from 1980 1985 that I was gonna find a million dollars like wow like treasure like no no no city slicker style No, no, no, no that that something was gonna happen. Okay. Yeah, that something was an opportunity It was gonna be so profitable that you were just gonna buy what opportunity what opportunity in my mind somebody's gonna knock on the door Yeah, Ed McMahon publicers. Yeah, I deserved it. No, no with like a brick of kilo coke Or some 16 year old runaway or something for me to make a half a million with But my mind was always concerned about the shit

That I had nothing to I hate fucking chitchat Like I hate small talk really since I was a kid. How do you do this? This is a small talk. This is a small talk I wasn't raised unplanned unprepared. No, I don't like that Bitching about the country talk. Oh, yeah Of any situation for more than like fucking three like I can't deal with it Yeah, like after a while and now at this point like I'm done with it Like I'm done with it. Like I even asked my wife. Listen, I won't do something that bothers you But you can't watch cbs csmbc no more

Because it's killing me. It's killing me. That's what's killing america. They listen to this shit all day And man when my wife is around me, she knows I have no interest in that shit Yeah, but when she's around other people and some fucking gentile gets that shit started About trump or something my wife's face turned red and she starts going off and I tell I can't have that, right? The last time she did I just got up and went to another table. I don't fuck around jack Not even with my wife. I don't fuck around. Do you have like a no trump table? You know what I'm saying? We're just at this table. You can't talk politics table. Yeah, we're having coffee. We're having a good time Trumpless table. We're talking about you eating some chicks ass in indiana last week

I don't want to transition to politics. I don't want to send some jerk off sits next to you and speaking of acts We need to support yemp. Yeah Not trump or just any of that shit Any of that rhetoric that's going on at abc the first 20 minutes of any news. So I heard I heard I heard Yeah, no, did you hear what's going on? We're over here having a conversation about indianapolis How you think she chiseled you at the door? Come on, but the waitress sucked your dick the one night So balanced out even if she stole 300 she let her finger get in her asshole or she sucked your dick We broke even and also somebody comes along and starts talking about

Just something to bring that table down About politics sure at any level even if it's not policy related. It's something like you just said like melani's wearing heels at the flood It's like fucking get you you're you're so you're so uh You've given over to it so much that you're looking at the details like when people to me and this isn't you know Hold on one second leave while he's talking put on the sleepers. There's a scene in there I want Adam to say yes. Have you seen that movie? No the beginning of sleepers This is how I was raised To eliminate

Yeah Any problems, you know, there was a thing when I was raised that Especially at my mother's bar. I saw it and then when they brought it to my attention Even as a stupid fucking kid I go They got a point You know as I told her when I was growing up There was no religion of politics a lot right like you couldn't come into my house Even as a Catholic and start talking about some priests fucking some kid in the ass sleepers

Bar scene look at that line of bacon deniro hoffman patrick patrick and and and pit 96 Wait your mom owned a bar by the way. Yeah Is this is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's incredible. This is a movie about those guys called the westies Who was a true story, but the guy who wrote it after we're finagued on the story

You could speed it up a little bit. Okay How far right there with let's see what is there? Bartender knew their faces as most of the neighborhood knew their names There were two of the founding members of the west side boys They were also trying to find a better version of it You know because I gotta do it right now where you'll hear it. That's Jason Patrick looks like morgan spurlock No, that's not Jason. Who is that? Homicides

He was an alcoholic and a cocaine abuser with a fast temper and a faster trigger He once shot a mechanic dead from moving ahead of him in a movie line The doghead man was equally deadly and had committed his first murder at the age of 17 And returning was paid $50 He drank and he did drugs and he had a wife. He never saw living somewhere in Queens It's Jerry, what are you talking about? Talk about breaking speech What are those two men some drinks and put on my hand

Jerry You tell them that republicans are not welcoming house kitchen and either political conversion or change of conversations in order Sure thing You know That's it That's it. Wow That's it. Dude, that's dope. Everybody should watch that before they leave the house. That's it. You know, I'm saying hold on Let's see if they keep it going here crank it up to the end to see what happens

Yeah, Lee all the way to the end move. Oh, okay Keep going keep going keep going keep going right there Now right now Enjoy the rest of you I read this book Adam right and I lived I was living in Seattle Nice 1995. I read this. I was living in Seattle at a 97 Like around 96. It was gonna cover USA today But this book was gonna get made

Into a movie and we cast it being josh wolf guests like two out of the five What we knew the nearer was going to be the priest And we knew Brad Pitt was going to be in there some way No, shit Pitt was just a man of the time it was just a man of the time and there was a guy in the book that fit Brad Pitt his personality That's great everything about him. Keep it two out of the five. That's pretty fucking good Yeah, no, I cast this movie way before where people pumped it. I had to check in as jennifer lopez

Fuck I see the other one because I want to show him the end of this scene Uh It's funny because the guy that cast this movie cast godfather to donnie brasko He cast a bunch of shit Fuck Let's see the second one We know the third one the third one the third one that looks good right there By the way, there's got to be some classic bar scenes, huh in movie history

God damn it. They're all fucking people taping them with a recorder Can you hear the sound? So this is two kids that got arrested as kids And they went to a home four of them and they got sexually abused and beat up And they were made to blow the fucking guards and shit And one day these guys go to have a drink and guess who's at the bar eating a fucking steak Who one of the guards who molested them and fucked them in the ass and did all this watch what happens only I thought you were didn't like the audio

I apologize I Speeded up a little bit they approach them They start breaking his balls a little bit Who's uh, wait bacon's the one that did it bacon? Yeah He doesn't remember them, huh? No, and they do You gave us so much more to remember I love revenge movies. Let me help you out. You're looking at John Riley and Tommy Bacame

Oh shit. Oh, yeah Yeah I'm one time ago Say amen. We have been kicked now. Yeah, so what do you want? What I've always wanted is to watch you die Oh You ordered the new love The brisket's really good here only you'll never know it

You fucked up How good was billy cudger up jack? Dude, he's killing it killing it billy cudger up, man You got a crud up kid. That's what he dumped the girl friend took the he took he dumped the pregnant He pulled the Tom Brady Did he really he'd pull he dumped the pregnant chick the chick from weeds Mary Louise Parker and he went for the chick from the terrorist show on showtime Claire Danes. Yep. I tried to make it tough. Wow I tried to make you hard. Why had you all wrong then? So this time I thought you just like fucking and beating up little boys

From Parker to Danes. That should be his fucking one-act play. He dumped her like there's a sari louis parker. Yeah, I want to Shoot him right in the fucking dick, though On to the table. Yeah. Yep, and then one right to the arm. Oh That one's to the head, huh? Yeah, bye-bye Oh, I mean that's the way to do everything and that's how the movie starts This is how the fucking movie starts. Holy shit, dude Oops, you should have had the brisket. That's a great fucking line. That's janis soprano in the corner She's one of the witnesses in this look they put their little pieces away

This used to be the fucking lower west side, man You could you could shoot them. Look right there. Look they even tip the guy. Look at the bartender Make those sandwiches to go that look they walk out like doctors That's how to do it. Holy those cases go on south. Look at this fucking meat Cancel this place you insult them Who knows what she's saying? She's probably trying to uber some potato chips to a house Uber potato chips Uh, dude, I just pictured chips in the back of a car like with eyes and like a voice and the draft's like where where through

Oh, man, I don't know some fat guys. That's that's that's the real deal. Like it was No politics and no religion. So I thought there'd be no missing. Damn. Was that bacon's like how early was that in in in the bacon career? That was 1996 or seven. All right, so he's just becoming like no, he's a Bro, don't ever get Kevin. Kevin Bacon's a bad out of the gate, right? When do people here's what I ask when do people start thinking it was cool to be like just six degrees away from kevin bacon You know when do that should start because that's to me That's almost like getting your own cereal your tennis shoe your toy your fucking You know your app whatever it is like that's a stamp of approval

Like that whole thing when people were like you're six degrees away like from a god like when you become that guy Like what what have you done? You know i'm saying so what had he do you know at that time? He had done a bunch of shit. Yeah, but look at him that like eighties, right? Yeah He started like mid-eighty. I don't know. He's still crushing it that dude should be getting a lifetime much cheaper words at every Fucking I just watched that fucking movie he did with Sean Penn Where he played the cop with laurence mystic river. No, yeah mystic river. Was it listen standing next to laurence fish burn eight easy He's the best black in front of Sean Penn across the board There's no better african-american actor than that man. I'll tell you that right now

And you want me to prove it and I love denzel and man on fire He should not have won the academy award for the bad ending day that day They gave him that because he was african because hurricane he could should have won hurricane He should have won beautiful mine one before yeah beautiful mine one So it's always but I don't think uh, whatever was his best movie Now you think fish burns a better actor than reginald val johnson who played carl windslow and family matters Listen laurence fish burn could eat up. I know the whole after a question whole african african american community And he could also eat up three quarters of the white actors

I'll agree with that. He's a let's just get this. Let's just get something out of the way. Let's do it right now Let's just get something out of the way. I'll hold you now 35. How long have you been doing comedy 10 years stand up 10 years 25 What were you doing before? So I went to uh, usc for acting school down from from seattle and um, you know, I came in Loving comedy at the forefront, but uh acting was like the main thing and then I graduated and and I had been doing play Since fifth grade now. I'm graduating trying to build something out of nothing. I start doing youtube videos I start doing open mics. I start working at a casting office I'm playing wolverine universal studios just trying to do as much as I can to get some sort of Sort of live in a life and start just you know doing as much as I can get material to write for when I'm doing these open mics

and uh, and then I graduate and uh, you know, it's like I just need to start keeping busy too and and stand up that started and and then Fucking 10 years of stand up and and all the you know videos and stuff and What was the question? You should have still come. Do you still pay student loans? Did you pay? Just finished paying them off. Let me tell you something. Yeah If you were hung up with two uncle joey for two years, I would have given you a better experience and all that You just want oh shit for years driving. We do triple runs I'll drop you off at a fucking bar in Idaho where there were moments

You know, it's so weird that You go to like usc and something like I've worked with a lot of directors Yeah, you have seen they're well prepared But they were doing the same shit everybody else. Yeah Like they weren't coming out with nothing. Yeah, they all had Similar the same style and they all came from the same school You know, I once heard that if you read the wall street journal every day for four years You got more of an education than going to college for four years

Like if you read the wall street journal daily from cover to cover wow, that's what I heard This is what they said on 60 minutes 30 fucking years and all the fuck. Yeah, maybe at that time Well, I mean college the experience of college. I feel like was more for the just growing up as a person It's like I went through Two serious girlfriends and fucking the amount of drugs and No, but I mean no, but guess what no, I bless you guess what though Fucking that I bet the shit that you've done I would love if there was some sort of program the way that you study abroad

Like I got to study abroad my junior and go to London I would love if it was like study abroad and go hang out with Uncle Joey for a year, you know It started implementing those programs into college and it sounds like I'm joking, but I'm serious What if it's like dude you're 18 or 19 and they're like dude You want to take a you want to go kind of still do school? But also like instead of going to fucking London You're gonna go live with this comedian and fucking hang out and see what life's like. That's not uh, it's not a crazy idea There's not a great comedian working today

that Didn't apprentice kind of sort of like yeah, you know somebody took you under their wings Somewhere along the line. Who is that for you? For me the first guy I was grabbing the name of Todd Jordan not a Denver Who's a deadly fucking comic queen and deadly when you're clean and deadly? I really respect those guys At first I tried to impersonate him, but it was not gonna work. How do you take it under his wing? He was very good-looking. He was very uh Charismatic he gave me work

He took me to dungeons. He took me on a fraternity run, which At the three-year mark as a comic you fold I'm intimidating. Yeah, very intimidating Then I got Scholared by a guy then while he was taking me under his wing. He was a gentleman We'd meet early. We'd smoke pot. We Uh Have dinner and we drive together and then we went to concerts. We were also friends. We went to see Led Zeppelin at red rocks Uh with them when they regrouped and came by in 94 and 95

Him and I were friends and I had another guy recurrent That was completely the opposite Just busted your balls was not encouraging. No, no, no, no, no, no, uh, you know Todd was very encouraging And he was a sort of an education to see a professional work. Yeah, he had been the hbo comic of the year in 1985 He he did a comedy festival. He was named the top 10 comedian I mean, he was a real pro and then I got involved but I went a guy with a name of Rick Burns that

Your face when you say his name is fucking I don't know where to where you're going for an education. Right. Yeah, he would call you on a friday and I can go Diaz, what are you doing tomorrow night? Nothing. All right, you got a gig in riverton, Wyoming. Let me give you my address You got to come over here because I can't drive So I'd pick him up in his truck As soon as he I beep he come out of his house. He'd get in the truck We weren't in the truck three minutes. I was driving his truck. He would pay for gas

Meals the whole thing Oh And the first stop was the liquor store And we get like a gallon of mixer or whatever Yeah, and a bottle of vodka and he'd throw half the mixer out right on the side of the road Boom and we'd start in the car and I had a drink. That was part of the thing but I you know That that was he was my goomba. I had a drink a little with him And I would ask him every question in the world about comedy that I wanted to know on the whole drive

I liked his style. Yeah, he didn't want to do with the traditional Uh Denver comedians did he went to the san francisco comedy competition came in third He used to play like clubs in new york. He was active. He was at the store and called mitziakont And he was banned from the comedy store for life. Rick Kearns is a real comedy outlaw like there's people You know fake the funk Fuck no rick Kearns Then when they're gonna call he's in tennessee. He goes looking for crack at night

He gets arrested and he gets into a fight with a cop They fucking tase him and spray him with pepper spray And they put him in a hole and every time he got hot in there the pepper spray would come back to life So they put him in jail for 60 days rick Kearns was no fucking joke This guy sounds like the type of guy that would fuck you would fuck your mom just so that when he said a yo mama Like fat joke, he could be like I can show you pictures on stage. He was lethal because he was dangerous in real life So the whole time i'm watching Todd Jordan was a professional canter He would talk to

What's the guy that was big in the 95 that took over monday football? He killed it dennis miller dennis miller. He would talk Yeah, he could be dennis miller would call him to write for him. He was the professional Comic that was very funny rick Kearns on the other hand was the guy that when he went on stage He had six drinks in him He'd go on stage with a cigarette You know an impression. No, no not the best body in the world You know, he had been up for three days in a row, but he was a brilliant comic Because the danger aspect of his act

It's what made him funny and I got to recognize that early on so I had to figure out how to beat a boat to those guys Wow You follow me because that was the only way it was going to work for me But then something take a little from one take a little from the other but then something changed along the road I went to seattle And in seattle seattle was a great comedy scene and I used to go down there on mondays and got to start Number one. I wish I started that the funny you got you moved up on the list And finally I was involved in seattle for about

Eleven months. Yeah, I had done well in the festival. I was getting work And one friday night a little fucking led by the name of doug stannell comes in there Who doug stannell? Yeah, of course man. I want this fucking savage did at the underground Blew your mind While people were walking out other people were howling Like half the room was like, fuck you and they get up with their wives and walk out and he'd go to them Don't leave. I haven't done my tit-fuck joke yet. But the people who were laughing were spitting shit I mean, I had never seen nothing like that adam rake

I canceled my saturday gig and my monday gig because I didn't even know if I wanted to do a comedy anymore After you saw a duck that performance at duck time Dice's performance. I think everybody's got one of those or a few of those where you get you won't have to go home You see something so impressive that it overwhelms you and you go well and you go i'm never gonna do that you just because it looks so You just you feel like you're so far away from it, right brother. I was doing this style of comedy where I was angry and Uh, never politically correct, but you know very tried to be politically correct. I couldn't get my fingers around it Yeah, when I saw doug stannell's performance, why didn't I think of that? Right? You just like seeing him He was like I saw him to two shows in a row. No, no, no. There was nothing to think about

He didn't even think about it. He was just who he was Remember that you were talking about ads before yeah, and you were saying when you were at the end I was saying how great it was when I I heard refreshing when I heard somebody doing them Where I was like, oh, you definitely took every part of who you are He took the reason that they're asking you to do the ad and you did it because you weren't thinking with any sort of like Extra filter of like what would somebody want who it and just go like oh, what do I want to do? I'm gonna do that. That's easier said than done in so many things creatively because you just You um at least when there's you know the the business side involved. It's like and that I think sometimes even with like

Execs on shows was way before the business side with doug stannell Like he had just won san francisco. He had moved to la had gotten a shitty deal from hbo He was just so locked into who he was It was amazing to watch because that's when you realize stand up for you to pass that level You have to really be who you are. Yeah, like, you know what? I really don't like lesbians and you go up on stage and say I love gays You're not gonna be funny You know because you really don't like fucking lesbians so deep down inside. You're not selling that fucking joke

Wow, and there's a thousands of people who do that type of shit to get labs Until you really realize going up there and talking about but whatever you say you just got to justify it Yep, and that's what doug stannell was doing I went to a bar the other day. You should have seen this strip club The chick weighed about 300 fucking pounds I didn't even see a bikini, but I knew it was somewhere in there. You know like oh my god He was I'm just a bits that were coming out of Him then that he was buying flowers at the summit. No, he was at a bar

And the girl came up to him with a bucket of flowers with a bucket of roses and asked him if he wanted to buy A rose the lady and he said listen, why don't you come up to me with a bucket of vaginas? You know what I'm saying? Don't come up with that. I mean just he used to say some you imagine getting a bucket of vaginas Oh my god for like 22 bucks And taking them home instead of fucking the roses. I'm gonna that's what the joke was I'm gonna buy a hundred dollars in roses. Nobody's gonna suck my dick But if you give me a bucket of vaginas at least I get something I mean he would just go off

And then I worked with him and bought like I knew him I moved to LA You know, I would see him at the store. Oh my god mitzi Never really saw him for who she he was no So she would put him on at 8 30 Like and two women would have to follow him and he would destroy so hard at him, right? That he would disrupt the shows they banned them from the improv Because all their little stars are going down there trying to be cute and they would put doug stanhope on because his manager was a partner at the time And I don't stand hope would sizzle that room

I mean comics were even in the back shaking their heads. Have you seen anything? I always love hearing stories of people that that Can recount something that was like the old where you just saw like such a crushing performance. Do you feel like you've seen anything? It sounds like dug to you as some of you've just seen crushed so hard I have you like is there one moment we saw and you go i'll never see something like that again draw rogan at the union Tuesday night comedy union. No no the union Tuesday night July of 98 was one of the greatest stand-up performances. I ever saw joe rogan

I love that. It's not great. Nobody people don't forget 300 people at the bar next to Where j with j davies and dang cook became star doubling Double ones right okay, so if you went instead of going towards the county store you walk up that hill There's an underground bar before you hit that mexican joint on the cavo cantina Before you hit that mexican there used to be a bar down there That's some coke dealer had and on the weekends. He was busy But on tuesday nothing happened. He had fucking he was first with the drapes

And the fucking beds and the fucking stairway and tuesday night was basically grando. I met. I met and Uh Owen no no no The guy that's in every fucking dodge ball dodge ball still are vince von vince von. Yeah, we're roommates So i met i met and vince varn's girlfriend that he dumped We're booking the room on tuesday nights. Oh, and it became this hip. That was the first Hip room or like models and girls were showing up and all of a sudden it went from A bunch of guys like us

To fucking stars calling I met i met wanting to go out because the room became so strong on tuesday nights So on tuesday nights, it was black night at the county store. So nobody wanted to be there So the original room would only have eight people Oh, because the main room would have 500 black people and white people and that let it scare the black people So eight only eight tourists would show up until the original room in those days So you had to call up every 10 minutes how many people because you didn't want to go down there There was one we got to cancel the show

How many times you'd be at the union getting ready to get your dicks out you got a grandma blowing your pocket and shit and you call the stone and like Four people cancelled and you're up in 10 minutes and you'd have to run over to the store people cancelled Yeah, because everybody knew tuesday nights was black night But to get spots from mitzi you had to call coast to coast If you called mitzi in those days and said hi I went monday thursday and saturday late mitzi wouldn't even give you a spot She wanted you to call in monday through sunday. That's something i learned early. Holy, so even if you had a show

You better figure it out You better figure it out because she would give me spots back then I hosted and she gave me four out of five spots and a main room. She fucking loved you didn't she loved me She used to call me fat baby the whole thing So did you love it? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. It was uh, when nobody else wants you Montreal didn't want me. I didn't have an agent You got the goddess got us a comedy going. I had her going

You're here with us. I had her develop me make me follow dom. I went up to her one day and I just made a mistake Like the asshole that I am I went up to when I go, yeah fucking the other had a fault because everybody said she had cameras in there at the time Yeah, and that even if she wasn't there she was there that she was not obsessed with the club So when I would bomb I would just walk up to her when I'd see her until I'd bomb And she'd giggle And when I told her don't put me behind doma rara one time that was a big mistake Because now every time doma rara came to the store. She made sure I fucking Followed him. She think that was the one thing she didn't respond to was being told. Do you think you know did she if

Was she open to even like criticism or was it just like one of the things like look I've developed this Cache everything I say is I trusted her. I trusted her with everything I had because okay adam ray starts dating sarah tiana Their love a year goes by they're in love and one day adam goes on the road and sticks up a waitress to the asshole It's all too common. You're the sarah breakup. Look if it got back to mitzi That was a great denny's if it got back to mitzi. Yeah, she would make you follow sarah Every night from no one you would get spots every night and you'd follow sarah

Even if sarah went up in the main room guests would follow adam ray because she teach you How to cut she was dog when it came to the holy shit. Yeah dog If she got wind that adam ray and joe d has got into an argument Yeah She wouldn't give a spot for a week and then after that for three months. I followed you or you followed me As bobby leonard They were at war and she would make them when she got a wind of it. That is a bonkers, but brilliant way to I mean it look I feel like the best comedy is emotionally charged, right?

Do you agree? Fucking right if you don't have an emotional attachment to what you're talking about. No, that's what I'm saying You're dead So to put you in a position to where you're following or or or proceeding somebody that you've had A lot of a beef with and enough beef to again like channel this emotional charged like timeline in your life She's only she's piggybacking on that. She's being she's taking advantage of it and being like but in a brilliant way Where it's like, oh cool. You're fucking fired up right now

I'm going to put you in a position where you're fired up on stage, right? And then you're talking about your material through this extra level of Sometimes, you know, like you have to fucking really up yourself to be like, all right, man Let me like and at that level I care about my shit as much as I want to care about it But like if she's putting you in that position and you're and you're that you're emotionally in charge Oh, you're getting on and now this chick that you dated for six years and love it. Yeah She's fucking the hottest thing in comedy. He was 21 He just got three deals and now she would make you fucking

Pint the finger paint with that. Yeah. Yeah. Mitz. He did that to you to throw you But no, let me explain some to you. I'm right. You're doing comedy 10 years You've experienced a lot of different situations What you could experience now. Yeah, you could experience that the six year mark is two different situations If she does that to you at the six year mark For the first three weeks, you're gonna be emotionally fucking destroyed. Oh, yeah Because you got to follow a chick that you were in love with now. She's fucking somebody or Or the other direction or the other direction

She's in love with you and you're banging the hottest chick in comedy right now You you you're banging Amy Schumer in the ass and come on the back and stealing her jokes, you know what I'm saying? You're having a good time And now she's got to follow you every night. Oh my fucking hating you, you know, like hating you like you dumped up And also do you Schumer? Yeah, you're you're Man, you're think it's and then thinking about it And then if she really liked Adam Ray, if Adam Ray survived all that shit God like if you had him Ray went up to Mitchie and said Mitchie the main room killed me the other oh boy

You would have 1245 on saturday every saturday for the rest of your life Because she was training you let me listen. Let me tell you something When I was a kid I went to karate in new york city with these black dudes when I came Came from cuba. It was a black karate school. Okay And this is one karate black karate school. Is that a real thing? There's a real thing and you they wore black geese with a fist on it that said go jew Oh, and you had a fucking have an identification and your gi had to be folded a certain way There was no worry. You know, you see kids going to mcdonald's and you geek. No, no, no, no, no

You didn't go to mcdonald's and no, no, you had to come to that class. We close on like a human being Take your gi had to be rolled like a fucking marine blanket with the belt loop through it You're a kid having to know belt loops five years old. You had to go in there Strap your belt on first half hour was push-ups push-ups push-ups Then it was techniques and form and if he got a wild bug up his ass If this guy got a wild bug up his ass and there was snow outside he'd go Let's go for a run And he would take us for a run with our geese on in the fucking snow

You think any mother complained the one I yelp and said my kick got on the money All those kids were tougher than that dog and guess what happened. What happened by him taking you in your neighborhood The bullies would see you with your karate suit on and the next day when you came to school They would say the a karate man show us what you know It was a living hell It was a living hell But my point is he walked around with a wooden sword The sky in those days and there was no giggling

There was no late. He said 20 push-ups. You better do those 20 push-ups I'll fucking stab you if you spin or sit, you know, like if he went to lee like somebody like me He was out of shape the first 10 classes, bro You didn't do the class so you did those calisthenics So if he said 50 sit-ups and it took you 10 minutes and the other class was jumping around Yeah, you still had to do all that shit. You got some jumping jack even while he was teaching You still had to do with the rest of the it was crazy But then I went to a school in jersey and he was a little bit more lenient and I saw kids

When the teacher looks at you and he's in the front of you, bro and he says Put your arms up and throw punches for example and you throw straight punches in the end. Yeah Kia there was always that one jerko that would do blocks because he thought he was cute Just give me go to a A controlled class like a gym class and everybody's doing stretches. Yeah, there's that one asshole That's doing what he's doing. You know what? I just this is my purpose. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah And what I'm doing right now is what I've discovered for myself

Then why'd you come here for well to learn some new techniques? No, we're disrespecting what I'm fucking doing what I'm doing No, no, don't get the fuck out. See now people get you know what the website said people get yelped on and shit So you can't do that to people Getting yelped on is a new it's a new thing Can you imagine like back in the day thinking that you would get public review like that? Like if you have a bad altercation with somebody your business you go fucking You know what? We both we both chalked that up to to being what it was We got we got our shit out and you leave as a consumer being like

Fucking now I got to decide if I want to do that again and the and the person of business goes I got to decide if I want to fucking get as fired up as I just got And now with yelp, it's like you can't even fucking get to having the The discussion or the altercation because you're like fuck. I gotta just like I gotta push out on one end or the other because I know that like They're gonna blog about this or or yelp about it or something You know I'm saying and it's gonna get tossed around And someone's gonna read one thing about like the guy that came to in said the cheeseburgers

Were only on Sundays and like and then he told me to fuck off and made fun of my shoes and you're like Fuck, I guess I'm not staying le quinte. You know, I don't know. It's a weird thing. I just I don't know I don't have the time To read a bunch of fucking reviews. No, I look at a place you two comments or itunes comments or any that stuff Nothing, I don't even I like people. I love people to leave comments. It would help us out But I don't ask people for him And I don't I don't you know listen

It is weird to ask for comments. Hey, like my stuff. I mean I guess there's a certain level that to all this but like I'm old school. You put the tv on right? You put your tv on. Yeah, but you're a beautiful combination of old Your old school living in a new era and you're crushing it So you put your fucking tv on at nine o'clock at night, right? Loan all the suv is And you don't want to hear about fucking rape your sister got raped in the sixth grade. You don't like fucking rape Jesus too. Now, what do you do?

Do you stop that fucking channel and go on your fucking computer? No, or write a letter to abc And say I don't like This show svu because my sister got raped in the sixth grade. Listen, I sympathize with your sister I hope it never happens, but You know what? There's a thing called up and down on your remote and mute and unmute and unmute and power on and off You know when when dude, what a great point dude. Isn't that such a hilarious? That's how it was raised. I'm supposed to watch this show that I like tackling an issue I'm not comfortable with I'm gonna go to some fucking thing

I got 10 minutes when I'm gonna date with my wife after when I get home to go on the computer and basically rat On a place because let me explain some to you because maybe they were having a bad night. Listen guys A couple weeks ago. I got delayed nine hours by southwest. Are you serious? Yes. You know how many peeps I made? not one Because I'm gonna tell you something wow People are bad days I lived in bur- I lived right here and the plane and thank god it was in lax That's completely different. That's when you abandoned ship after five hours

That's when you call the club and say that ain't happening Because they keep they keep delaying it every hour on the hour. So, you know dean del Rey called me at 10 He already told me your flight's delayed till 345. It was originally 145. Oh, that's gotta get in emails Anyway, you put the flight didn't leave till nine Do you think I went back to the hotel? They gave me a hundred dollar voucher and they volunteered it to me They gave us free drinks on the plane. They apologized a thousand fucking times. You know how many times I've taken southwest on a sunday morning. They've got me back to burbank on time like a motherfucker

Six 22,000 times. Yep. So one day they have a bad day You chose to fly that bad day. You chose to go to a restaurant on that bad day You chose to go into somebody's boutique on that bad day You don't fucking know if we recognize you don't fucking know. So I'm gonna go home and make I'm gonna go home I got time for my busy life. Yeah from my so-called. I'm so creative and I'm so busy You're gonna take time from your fucking bullshit life to go home click on a page and write Something I'm justifying my bad day. You didn't now if you wanted that three times in a row Listen, I'm old school first time shame on you. Yeah, second time. What is it first time shame on you second time shame on me

That's it. Yeah, it's over after that their time. I went there twice the fucking fork had fucking Gorilla shit on it the glass had fucking listen. I used to go to this cuban place by my jujitsu school Lee did we not go a few times over there? We went after your daughter's my daughter's baptism You know what, bro? I went there another time and the glass on the front was filthy That's a restaurant, right? That's the first thing I see is a thousand fingerprints from sunday. I turned around. I got my car and guess what? I never went back there again. What? Did I go home on yelp, but I go home on fucking telemundo.com and we ran out those should have no

That's that needs some help. Yeah, you don't know what people going through you have no idea But that shit there. I don't forgive how much do you think the world could benefit from just the simple recognition of like Giving benefit of the doubt of like people that are a little when you when you sense to it as a as a human being, right? When you sense unwarranted from your eyes attitude How much do you think the world could benefit from you stepping back and being like? Maybe that's because they're going through some shit So i'm gonna meet them halfway and be like I get it But don't fucking overpower me your bullshit

But by me meeting you halfway you also recognize that and then you step back a minute and go all right cool I'm gonna be a little bit more 2d on this exchange And sorry if your frappuccino doesn't come out as fast as you want it or whatever Whatever's happening, right? Bad days. Yeah, listen. It took me 30 35 years to realize when we send someone's having a bad day. We go. Fuck you man immediately, right? Yeah, I didn't think about this If you delayed me when I was first doing comedy, okay, yeah nine hours. What would you have done? I jump off the terminal

But southwest one time delayed me from like Dallas. Well, they'll also reroute you from Burbank to Shanghai This was a tremendous day for uncle Joe I was I had to stop that's a real route Dallas or one of those airports Do not let southwest fly into So you have to fly into another one. I went to that airport and I was going to Lubbock, Texas Jesus me and mike favor, man. I was headlining this club called froggy bottoms I had just gone under and I've been taken over by a mexican family here on the taco stand next to it

In the system a business and the daughter had the biggest tits you ever seen in your life. What was your name? I'm julia. So everybody that there was nine brahulia. I still remember her dog. That's how she was beautiful Of course. She had natural natural. I mean, she was a little chubby It's fine. She had natural natural the biggest tits you ever saw And you know, we were there for two nights and they were in the comedy club and the taco stand They went on the on the months later. Anyway, yeah, I went to I got delayed at Dallas But it was one of those delays where they go. Excuse me. They have your attention Our book has been over our flight has been delayed and overbooked if you come up right now

We will give you a free voucher for 250, you know that hold out 10 minutes And they go the voucher just went up to 350 dollars. I'm the first one there Listen to the fucking it's a silent auction I got two of those. Listen when you're a feature act on the road, and you're making 550 a week Yeah, you know I'm saying 350 dollar voucher for sitting at the airport and in those days. I was so broke. I was shopping to the airport You had to I would take a newspaper and a fucking walk. You can't get away Who what happened to you get caught? I don't know nothing. No, there's nobody catching

There's a poor black lady that barely speaks the language She's getting $10 an hour and they're holding immigration overhead You think she's gonna jump out of there and chase you for $50 for 50 cent fucking I would steal waters if I got delayed if I remember one time at Denver airport. I was going back to I was going back. I was coming back from shooting analyze that And I had taken I was so I gotta say real quick one of my favorite movies and the fact that you're in that and You were great. And it was just like that. Listen. That's a fucking, you know, that's a top 10 comedy man I don't mean no, no that's underrated. That's the first one. The second one was the one I was in which is dog

Shit, trust me. And why is that the second one? Yeah, the first one. Oh the second one was brutal God bless. How ramus. I got to work with a legend. They're both incredible. No, please No, no, the second one is I disagree. I just lucked out But anyway, I disagree. I was broke before I left New York Yeah And I had to borrow my buddy at the time was a bagging channel for frontier ways all of those things and he had a buddy pass They get you a free flight on the way there. They lost my luggage when I went to read For analyze that the first time

Like you must have been so embarrassed. That's his like and and because I was on the buddy pass I had to go pick up the luggage that didn't deliver to your house. That's how they treat you like a fucking Like a fucking mook on the floor like a buddy. Did you check a buddy? And then on the way back, um, this is this is how crazy I was between the coke And this is 2003 2002. I was just going off. She's living the life You know, uh, and I'm there's no wherever you could snort. I got to that Denver airport I swear to god, I got no reason to lie. Nobody's a lady It's one of those circular counters that you walk in and the store surrounds it

Yeah, and for some reason as I was walking in the lady was walking in the back room And I looked and I put my hand over the fucking counter and took a pack of camel lights I fucking when she came back out, I paid for a fucking newspaper I put the camel lights in the newspaper and I walked out of there. I'll never forget this. I made a fucking left I walked into the men's room. I needed a cigarette though. I don't give a fuck about what the government says I sparked up that cigarette in the bathroom. I lit that whole fucking thing I put a piece of dentine in my mouth and I came out of there whistling fucking Dixie. You understand me? I was ready for my flight for LA Doug

Oh, please one time I was in Newark and I was delayed. I had a bag of wiena And I go, no problem. I'm delayed. This ain't no big deal, Doug This is 2002 when the sopranos was huge I'm in Newark and I'm an EWR Newark And I'm sitting there and my flight's been delayed by four hours and I was gonna never fear Uncle Joey's here You said it yourself? Yeah, I said it to myself You know, I said, fuck it. Let me go to the men's bathroom and roll a fucking number And I just go out to the front of the airport

By the way, nobody in the men's bathroom wants anything to do with anybody So it seems like the best place to do anything So listen, you go in the handicap bathroom, you sit down, you pull off your pants You blow a couple of thoughts and while you're doing all that you roll a joint like a doctor Pray to god, there's no cameras in the bathroom. There is But pray to god, yes, you always have to assume there is. It's a bathroom And high sisters could be jerking off in there before they pull the switch Just to get one last bag, you know what I'm saying?

I know if I was gonna kill myself, I'd go jerk off and stick a finger up my ass and have a milkshake or something If I'm gonna blow myself up, are you kidding me? I'm going out deep, G I'm going out with a ton of shit in my stomach Milkshakes and subway sandwiches. I'm splatting all the tomato people gonna get with tomatoes And I get a six inch six inch chicken teriyaki in a vanilla shake. Are you fucking kidding me? You'll probably pass out and take a nap in the middle of the flight First time I go, when I first get through an airport, the first thing I do is I go in the bathroom I smell for gunpowder

If you could smell gunpowder over that fucking tornado of shit odor and piss in a men's bathroom There's a terrorist in the fucking neighborhood getting the bomb ready So you're, dude, that's unbelievable. Yeah, they're you have to think that way. You have to assume Yeah, I think any giant public look at malls like as much as you want to assume, dude There's probably just hours and hours of footage of people changing and changing rooms and people shitting and pissing in toilets And no ideas. The bathroom changing room footage like you have to assume You know, they say when you're in Las Vegas as soon as you land Oh, assume your life's documented human show style. It's Truman store sound and when you get to your hotel room in your room

There's something something behind the mirror. There's a fucking picture of Kennedy and his eyes move Every time you walk by him There's fucking something there's a tropic in a fucking video You know Photograph of you on the tv seem like upcoming attractions, but it's your eyes looking at you like Everything you're being documented. You have to always assume Vegas for being one. We're being watched We have this on us. Yeah. No, we carry these with us. It's everyone you face time There's somebody in the government just watching you face time. Well, yeah, there's people who I don't face time with nobody

You don't face time. No, fuck. That's the one thing you're like, fuck. I don't face time. I don't want to text I don't want to do nothing. Just call me. I'll call you back. There's no one to send me a hotmail. I got hotmail on my phone I don't got facebook and I'm about to take twitter off the phone Let me tell you something my wife got me. She my computer's always shit. I had a surface Yeah, and it was shit And we went she told me that I'll get your computer that wherever your phone could ring this computer works So we went we got an apple ipad pro one of those things It's fun, right? She put a writing app on there for me and my life has changed. I'm trying to write a book

I'm I got I got a thing a thousand fucking words a day I've been doing it straight since august 1st with this kid. He outlines. I write Dude, that's unbelievable And I'm not gonna stop. I don't have facebook on there. I don't have twitter on there I got one thing on there netflix So when I go on a plane, I can watch netflix in between fucking writing But I don't have no computer shit. Oh, you figured it out I don't want nothing but that ipad pro with that writing thing on there a thousand I could write a thousand things in there

Lee I've learned how to write he exported them today. He's got the keyboard. Oh, yeah, we have the I got the keyboard It's the computer and you know what when I'm on the road on the weekends 9 out of 10 that surface is dick And it's all the fucking people who face you facebook you that are your friends and you feel bad Because they wish you like a happy weekend and they don't understand that you're going through hell Trying to answer them back with that stupid fucking surface computer And like I said on the rogan podcast people got pissed a couple weeks ago And now they held it to me when I'm on the weekends

There's no reason to tweet in my business on the weekend. No reason to tweet. What do you want to tweet about? You gotta give it a breather You gotta we give it let that be your life break and your twitter break. Yeah, it's a little weekend It's just like why was the weekend designed, you know, I check it out for messages Maybe adam rake can't get ahold of me. I'll check it out for messages Sure, but there's no reason to send it for three fucking hours to start tweeting at that Take a break. You know how many jokes you could write in three hours Hopefully a ton. So, you know in my world think about how many fucking joy and I love twitter at six in the morning

When i'm fresh, I just got high as a motherfucker I just did fucking three pipe pools of weed in my yard. Well getting high at six am is the best Isn't it? Oh my god, what a couple of feet. I haven't done it in a long time, but guess what? That's that's the most that's a high and high and high coffee I'm like a patio and the sun's like getting ready to come up And i'm gonna tell you something. Guess what again isis if you're listening There's jerk off in the bathroom, please but also So that maybe you can fucking second guys yourself

But also get high at six am with a warm Mug of coffee on a patio with a nice view and the sun in a position To where you're gonna view it and watch it come up from the fucking get go and guess what dude You might not want to fucking come at us. You think about this. Let's say you get home Three nights a week at 10 30 For some reason those three nights am spots not you can home at PM And you go to bed early and you wake up like at seven and you have a cup of coffee You do a half a bong hit and you open up your notebook

And you get it and you first write it out like you're playing for the day get that shit out of your brain Whatever you woke up angry about Whatever you were pissed off about and then you just start writing jokes Listen, if you the weed you're smoking is good by 8 30. You're gonna be a little but You got about an hour ago time So you're ready to an hour and a half of writing you did your twitter work You did your social media work and you can take a nap till 10 30. You got nowhere to go Yeah

By the time you wake up at 10 30 you tip top magoo. You wash your pussy You got the lunch with the confidence of fucking three guys that just get off the fucking get avocado. It's actually you got it Yeah, go fucking do something and you know walk around with the confidence of three guys that just got off the fucking life sentence It's the truth It's it's lately. I just been watching little things and going it's routine I understand why this isn't working. I see all these And like I said on the weekends when I'm on the road that computer is such a nightmare that surface

That I wouldn't even all I had access to was hotmail which I have on the phone. Thank god And I have twitter on the phone. So people get pissed at me like, you know How can we don't pair it, you know, because you can't pair the scope in a hotel romance. I go to jail for 20 years I got a pound of weed up here. What do you think? The fucking thing I got I got fucking vapor pens. That's that's fucking that that'll put you in jail for a year if they want Two years at least that's fucking control substance those little vapor pen. Yeah So you never know what the fuck you're dealing with there You are thinking you got a ticket and they're like, oh, by the way, this is a control substance

This is a class four felony your shit You got bail you ain't got court till wednesday vapor pen people feel like they got it Fucking they feel like they're living the life. They're like, dude, it's a fact I mean, I don't know how many instances security steps in and goes is that a vape pen? They don't ask at all. They don't even know Unless you fucking walk by them blowing smoke in their face if you took that motherfucker And put it under something. Yeah through x-way. It looks like a fucking pen And they're making them now who show who who has there's a friend of mine who's got a little piece that you don't even know

It's a vapor pen. That's it. It's over soon Louis tell them what I had the other day in Ontario There's a new thing you could buy It's a one-hitter that's stacked with weed and hash already already They sell it in cvs. You know they sell that perennial over here You buy ten of those things and put them in your shave kit And hope that the fucking luggage don't bounce. They don't hear a bunch of christmas Lights in your bag. Why are you traveling with christmas lights? That's gotta be shave butter. Why are you traveling with christmas lights?

Why are you traveling with christmas lights? But dawg you take one of those out before you go on stage You don't need rolling paper not leave. Did we get high or did we get high? We always get high. We got high dawg We blasted Do the thing away. Yo, do you think you do you think you just as much take from like when you watch and you get an influence By comedy and acting and do you feel like you get influenced just as much by routine? You know i'm saying where you like just hearing you talk about like the way your routine has transformed over the years And the way that you start to like

You know set up your day That probably changed from how you do things now to from two years ago, right? So you watch and observe you You have enough conversations with people where you go. Oh, that's the way you do it. Well, maybe i'll do it that way Or at least take a piece of that You know, it's what It's what worked for me at the time Yeah I said open the door. Yeah

It's cool It gets cool out this time. Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen. I love that. I love that. I get influenced by fucking Because we all are right anything. Yeah, well the smallest thing I might get high on a tuesday night go down to the commie store. I got a spot of 1045 I'll go back to that 845. Yeah I'll be excited about watching fucking alley one. Yeah, but guess what adam ray If i can one up there start doing some crazy shit. He made me laugh a little cocksucker

So And you learn something. Yeah, I always when I work with people I always fuck with them, especially if they're young comics I go, what'd you learn tonight? And they always look at me like what the fuck are you asking me that for and I go listen You're not going to know the answer right now You know, but you want to check in with them and be like where you've been thinking about trying to learn something, right? Absolutely Because you you should be walking off stage

Uh, you know, uh, I feel like I picked this up, uh, at least I don't know five years in or something from watching You know pros like yourself where you're like You can where if you find yourself in a conversation with people after as I said and you heard them dissecting Pros and cons or just like what I didn't do right, but also like oh man, this moment was cool. Yeah, it was what was happening with this joke Oh, I was I was trying this I was doing this just hearing that they were immediately thinking about it Maybe go you should be you should get off stage and immediately kind of be like I don't know reviewing uh thing so for you to ask like what did you learn like you should be thinking about that right after Right, that's how you get better

I didn't know about it while I was doing it. I think about five years in yeah I used to ask myself and my when I would get coked up In my cocaine stage. I've never done cocaine, but I would love to bless you Yeah, but I but I guess what I'll do it if you wanted to do it. No You should not even have that It's so funny how you you My mom told me to say that I'm sorry. Well, I first got into comedy There was a lot of people like rick a lot of our friends that did it

For some people that worked before they went on stage for me It just fucking didn't And I remember one night I got to an argument with some fucking jerk off at the store comic And he said to me goes I guarantee you wouldn't be funny if you didn't do coke before I went on stage Jesus and I said to myself this guy fucking retarded No, I didn't know that if yeah, I thought he knew you know and then after a while It had just become a respect thing. Yeah like listen, joey. I understand you're a junkie But this is what you want to do

The fuck you doing Yeah, the fuck you doing so listen. Yeah, the coke is there We'll be up all fucking night, but let me do this set and take care of this So that was the pep talk I would give myself so sure I would do a $15 set, but I'd spend the next $45 on cocaine Even though I was losing I was really with it. You know what I'm saying? I did what I was really winning because at least I did my spot And I gave yourself a full I gave myself to respect the respect the art of what we're doing

I let me tell you something I'm not ever gonna lie to you and tell you I would go to miami And I'd get there on a monday and I'd start snorting on monday by fucking thursday You're basically dog shit on stage because again, you said it earlier There's no emotion in your comedy your comments gotta be just uh It's uh, what do you call those fucking mad madagans? What what do you what do you mad mad martigan? What do you call those people that just stand there?

And when millennials know when you go to the department store and mannequins mannequins You're just a mannequin on stage. By the way, that was like an episode from 25,000 hour pyramid Things that stand there lifeless My first time fucking uh Where's tony bet it though tony bet Little something to break up the show in the middle here. I like that. We don't fuck around here at him, right? Oh, I don't respect this shit

Man find me a voice like this now you can't you won't you didn't somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I Or somebody who Will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn But then I went on the road with like poor mooney a couple times Rogan dice

And you learn from everybody you go out with yeah, and you put You know what I learned from recurrence what I learned from Todd Jordan They all had the same quality of giving a young comic a chance and giving them advice and You know, even though we're not the funniest people in the world They see something that they're giving us the work to open up for them. So it gives us a little boost of confidence Rogan really smoothed it all out I mean him and Todd Jordan were the two

Guys that were like John Gotti. They really had a class to the business in my view You know I'm saying when you travel with Joe It's class a to fucking z. There's no misunderstandings. You know I'm saying like it was just even in the very beginning You were like Jesus Christ This is like a dream come true. That's amazing. Everybody else I work for you. You gotta do this. You gotta do that not rogan Takes care of you. You just got an email Bam get out of here go up here do this Jesus Christ

And it spoils you but it also shows you The boundaries of what you could be doing, you know, I mean I remember being in all the clubs with him Before he went into theaters. There was either me Ari or me Ari and him or sometimes it was me him Duncan and Ari Joe didn't give a fuck When he was on fear factor, he was bringing nine motherfuckers with him and he bravo to train with tape Oh, yeah, we always roll seven fucking deep man Those people are staying until he goes on stage. So he's like let's pack it in right give us each 12 minutes Wow, he would pay us each the same all great money

He paid it for us to fly You know sometimes he'd upgrade to the first class if there was room He would you know when you went to eat you don't go to fucking white castle with Joe You know the first thing you see him do is typing up some fucking steakhouse And in those days, we were just going to the brazilian steakhouse. Yeah, so we would roll in there eight deep Get an eight-man table and eat that fucking restaurant. I was four fucking hundred pounds People I'd see these white people eat that. What's the name of the place? Forgotten

That's what that place is More people have had heart attacks. You go to focus every meat there, right? Yeah, but it's it's depends on what you eat and how big your stomach is and how much hunger you have Listen, man, when I was leased age And I went out at night I don't have to lie to you guys I could kill a 24 ounce piece of meat With a baked potato salad

clams oregano upfront Maybe a bowl of fucking the pasta vasul or something With a fucking with three or four coca-colas You know, I can't do that now I go to fucking Morton's with my wife I get the 12 months I cut it in half and I eat six ounces there I take the other six for breakfast and I even cut that out of my diet. That was it That's too much fucking meat, especially when you put that steak in in the morning

It got shot by a bone arrow was crying you eat the fucking thing that you get depressed Fuck that shit. No more meat shot by a bone arrow. Yeah, who's killing? Who the fuck knows? I don't know how they kill these poor animals anymore But every time you eat certain animals, like why are you baking from Marie tea? It makes me very happy I know the bacon was killed. I know the pig. They killed them all right. They rubbed his back They stuck the pencil in the zeal Vito Genovi style. They stuck a pencil in the zeal and that was it. You know what I'm saying? You want to know if I know you're kicking them in shit? Oh, you know, he gets it tastes different

No, it does you can feel the pain you do you can taste the pain in the animal like chicken I don't trust chicken no more But sometimes why not because And what was your ultimate trust in chicken era about six years ago? Yeah, I had some chicken That's when I found that when they were beating chickens up now when I eat a chicken I could tell if it's been beat up or smacked around. Oh my god, that's funny We all know a victim if we all know a victim with domestic violence. All right, we all know Red chicken saw some shit. So that chicken you can taste it as you eat like those Boston market chickens

Those chickens have been abused. They have not lived a good life. No, no, no, no They dropped them in they dropped them off in front of the church. You know what I'm saying? It's those type of chickens. They're all depressed and shit. They never seen a big bean in their life I don't know if I'm gonna go home and ruin someone's day on yelp But on the podcast I'll say a national chain But I'm talking the truth. Hey Boston market stop beating your chickens God, I used to go to Boston market open those chickens were healthy. They had life. They were happy

When you ate the chicken, you know, they sent you letters Because the chest you can tell by the breast if they're happy they when you get the breast wake up It's got a big chest. It's got a lot of fucking big up in there There's a lot of meat in that motherfucker. They the chickens you take you go find right now a chicken from Boston market How big it was and how big a chicken from Boston market is now now they're getting these chickens don't even let them grow They're like Do you think you're apartment them with test? I was going back in the day But I don't know nothing about that. See, I don't know. I think I know if they were getting beat up though

How do you know because when I was a kid you went to my mother went to a place and got the chicken's direction And they they skin they take the feathers they chop it head off They cut them into body parts and they sold them like that. Oh, I would look at the chicken before you fucking brought it home You had to pick the chicken and look them in the eye and go, I'm gonna take you home Holy shit. Yeah, fuck my mom didn't believe in frozen chicken That's why when I go to somebody's house, I see somebody with a bag of frozen chicken colors My heart stops That's the worst thing you could eat. I know people wait that for years

Why is that the worst because that poor chicken has been through debt You know what they did to those chickens? They just froze them alive Shut the fuck up. Yeah, they put them in the freezer Like like a narcos. They make them walk into a freezer with a blindfold on Oh my god, they're freezing the debt then they take them out They're dead then they chop them up when they melt. Isn't that what you do with lobsters? Isn't that nice? What's that? You just put them in the fridge and you ever taste the sat lobsters. I'm gonna become a vegetarian tonight

You ever taste those sad lobsters the same thing with lobster? Sad lobster? Yeah, sometimes you're gonna laugh. I think they're opening for hooting the blowfish next week Sad lobster tastes kind of weird When it's juicy and it's got that sweetness to it and the meat is very soft And when you dip it in the butter some of the meatin breaks, that's a happy lobster. He gotta happy life Well lobsters love butter, right? I don't know. What the fuck they're gonna get butter on the fucking water, uh, adam, right? Wait, they got a supermarket on the water and they swimming there and go, let me get a pound of butter and this shit

Let me get some shot. I'd say oh my god. Fuck yeah Leave how you feeling over there? We had some stars. We had a good time. You're off till next week Now what are you gonna do for labor Danny thoughts? Uh, no, I'm not sure yet. Maybe we'll no Airbnb Maybe who knows there's so many and be where what are you getting into a month? Well, you gotta Airbnb. I haven't seen your scratch in a while Paul Trinea Lucas Bradley Megan 715. I love you Rob Marley

Debbie five goddess beth Jeremy slay got my main man Don Wrangler and the fucking king of swing Steve Grizzly. Are you fucking kidding me or what? 20 a life no parole. You know what I'm saying? You go on the road still a lot Yeah, I've been on the road. Uh, as we just talked about I did Zany's uh, Rosemont This past week for the first time. So I mean, I've been on the road for the last three four months and that's why I hate my special That is solidly. I just man. I just watched it again two weeks ago And and then I was uh, just I wanted to see the room and I wanted to rewatch your your shit

And it was just like it got me really pumped to be there. That's like great. It's an unbelievable room unbelievable city and uh, I don't know. I dig the road right now. I've only been headlining for um And since 2013 it's about four years So I still really enjoy it and uh, a lot of new cities getting to go to and now I'm getting to go back to places like a second and third time and and um It's fun. No, you don't a lot of television the last couple years Uh, handful. I I'm under new uh, curvy. Enthusiasm is coming back in october. I'm in that Okay, were you on the older? No, the new one. It's coming back. There's a new season. Yeah, did you get a few episodes?

Uh, yeah, and uh, a couple netflix movies coming out and then, you know, brad williams and I who uh, he's getting married this weekend Um, and my podcast partner uh about last night and how many podcasts you got don't you got like 22? I had two would you I had another one with josh wolf a sports comedy one and we stopped doing that So now it's just uh mind and brad williams. Uh, it's called about last night What are you and thiel doing a celebrity one? No, that's a different dude Theo does one with the kid math you call us math you call us Were you you guys are getting like fucking gangsters or shit? Well, I mean brad and I are getting some gangsters Yeah, we got Reese Willis one's coming up sander bullock

um Fuck man googled all's uh tj miller zack affron some cool people coming up, you know, just hit them up Yeah, I mean well, look, I mean it's like again like we've talked about you you you get to a certain place and you just try to like hope that you can um You know be genuine with your intentions on You know when you meet somebody and then you like my buddy might as in this movie with Reese witherspoon coming up and uh He's brought my podcast a bunch and he I hit him up and was like hey, we should get you and rees on and he was like

Fuck yeah, and then I went through his publicist and like now it's gonna So it's just you know trying to think outside the box and do that shit, but you know There's also times where I'll Reach outside my boundaries. I feel like I can hit up somebody to do it and they'll say uh What are you fucking crazy like John stamos? Because he's afraid of little people and brad and brad him and brad and him got into a thing and and we've been Wait, he's Afraid little people man

So we at one point we were tweeting a nonstop like come on the podcast and face your fears and what is he thinking? It's gonna happen. I don't know to that's it. It's an opening question. I just make you nervous, bro Some people make you know, I'm telling me brad. I don't know how to find that medicine made him nervous When I was growing up, had you met a little person say me brad for sure, right? How many how many though? How many what? Little people had you met until brad 15 That's a fucking dude. That's a big number and I met him in the 70s When little people were gangsters this shit wait, what to me that was listen. Tell me. I don't even know if brad knows the lp history

Okay, I remember there was this bar that my mother used to go to 70s midgets. What are they doing? It was in west new york new jersey And every time they get packed About four thirty right before we got in the ready to leave to go eat dinner This midget will come in And he'd give you a card Right, he'd hand you a card and you say freedom No, and on the card was sign language But connected to the card was a pen with the american flag on it

Okay, so you look at the card He'd go throughout the whole bar, right? And at the end he walked back in the other direction. He said And either you gave him a dollar or he took back the fucking thing from you, right? And he took it back from you When I was a kid, I was so fucking creeped out the first time this guy walked into that bar I didn't know what to think. Yeah, you never see never really seen come on And then I saw my mother did something with numbers

So we had to go to this bar. So whenever I was with my mom on this particular day We would have to go and I'll never forget one time the place was fucking packed And also Walks in By the way, it's a great nickname for anybody How many how many pins do you have to sell at a dollar a piece to get a tuxedo? Like if you listen if you didn't give him a dollar If you didn't give and there was like the 70s a dollar was a lot of money

But if you didn't give him a dollar, was it? Well, who's the dollar then? I'll find out the bill. You know shit. Yeah, so he's looking for a dollar. Okay. So you You did that so you gave him a dollar. It was fucking hilarious. He would sit there And then you like fucking you take fucking yeah, take it man. So a dollar because he would you would go what? And you go a dollar you just come up That's like me coming up to you With a bucket like the Honda commercial. Yeah an act of good faith You know when they show up and give away ice cream and

Not once have they had a chick show up and suck your dick. That's the act of kindness right there That's when everything's on you know saying when I see them show up with three hot chicks Coming to your corporation like a place that works for midgets or something like that They got a bunch of people disabled and they come in and start sucking that little midget dick Honda and they wear the blue shirts. Yeah, they got the blue shirts on and this little midget comes splatterin anywhere Oh my god, hilarious, but they don't do that. Huh, then they got the balls They want to go give up milkshakes and shits There's a lot of commercials and sponsors that could take a lot more risks

You know, hold on. Carl's Jr. Did it when they had titties and fucking barbecues. Oh, yeah You got to push the envelope. So I went there about four months later He walks it and by this time I wasn't scared. Oh, I know what he was about How often is he trying to sell you the same pants? So he would try to sell them every every day That was his job. Yeah He's committed to a life of pins. You know in those days guttenberg, new jersey In 1980 he's ever called Gutenberg from 1980 to 1990 something had more bars per capita Than anywhere else in the country. No shit. If you walk through guttenberg, you hit 20 bars

And it's only two or three blocks long got what? Guttenberg's the original vegas. No fucking new jersey. You're fucked vegas And it's in a hot spot 20 bars a lot of times you look at Uh pictures in new york city, that's guttenberg because guttenberg is like from 79th street to 71st. Oh, okay. 69th street to 71st street. All right. So it goes from boulevard east to I think maybe no it goes into like like the ferret avenue before kennedy boulevard They just made up a town one day somebody came in with a big envelope and said, oh, so we want to take over a town We'll make a flip school

Take over a town make a flip school Sorry great proposal in those days Place nose or subway the big money in those neighborhoods in those days was what bars Yeah, you know people were drinking people the vietnam war was ending You know, there was a lot of sports going on. What do you think prompts the most boxing boxing was on television for free? There was no pay-per-view. It was on WOR Some of these bars could almost benefit more so by not charging for the fight. Don't you agree?

Well, if they charge if they don't charge it cost them $10,000 They go by capacity. All right, I guess so it walks in. All right. He goes all the way to the end. He's walking back And finally he goes up to some guy. I'll never forget this Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. And the guy goes what? And he goes And this guy goes in this pocket and he's got a wallet like this and he's got a hundred dollar bill He pulls the hundred and he goes you got change of a hundred and the guy goes, I got it in my pocket Give me that fucking thing by get and they smack them a few times. They throw out. Mm-hmm. I never saw him again That's it. He was a fake

He was a fugazi a deaf dude That was his living, you know how much money you can make going to if you go into fucking 30 balls of $2 a piece that's 60 bucks, but he was really he's really a little person Yeah, sometimes he'd take the fiat so he could tell you anything got shot his legs He could tell you anything. Yeah, you know, it was crazy. He probably he's probably still around Mm-hmm his way to a living and look him up. He's on facebook never paying taxes. I don't know how to spell that You know, I get creative There was so many things like that that people did fake shit like that with that

It's kind of I would always look at his bullseye. Yeah, I would look at and go Jesus Christ Your shit is no end I saw I saw a video the other week of this guy doing just that is pretending to be like special I'm pretty sure I could try to find the video you want and so and so the news called him on it Oh, you gotta do what sure. Let me let me see what you try to do. What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Be special I can't remember be special. I can't exact. I don't want to miss quote the video. So let me try to find it Oh, please, you know, don't let me with this shit. No, it's uh That's um, I don't know how we how do you know how we are the midgets about small people

I was telling about my podcast first when I was younger bragging me at first they would they would they would scare me But after I knew a couple in jersey When I moved to jersey, where did I know one like in union city? Do you remember what you felt or what you? You know to me Look, I didn't I didn't ask I think people I think people over You know when I hear people like stamos or anybody that has like a phobia or says anything Off-color to joke it which is basically kind of deflecting their own insecurities about being around when I'm like

They're people there. It's a person It's a little bit smaller and you know, so make that adjustment and like I can you know, I don't know people that like stamos What are you doing? What are you afraid of you're afraid of a person like what are you doing? Small person's like dude, you can't be fucking the size of a kid in the uh, you know I have the baseball skills of a fucking relief pitcher You know how many how many people will fire you if you shake their hand because they have germ phobias Yeah, you know that dude went to the store a couple weeks ago and he went on stage and he wouldn't shake the guy That brought him up. He wouldn't shake my hand. I get it. I fucking get it sometimes. I think it's a fake phobia

It's a phobia to be cool, but I can't see having phobia against little people You know, maybe it's insane to me and it is it's not a phobia. It's an insecurity Yeah, it's when you look at somebody and go, you know what I feel kind of guilty I'm not gonna deal with it because I had that growing up sometimes about certain things that I'd see and I go What are you gonna fucking do? Yeah, we're all products of our environment. Are you finding this this special needs video? I'm trying it. Well, let's see where we're at. No, it's what'd you google by the way? uh

Let's see. Oh shit. Hold on This is it Gary Thompson Kentucky beggar who fakes having a disability earns a hundred thousand a year Holy shit You're annoyed. He's the greatest actor of all time. They they work it and they work the system and you How often have you heard about there's a certain street corner when I pull off a freeway exit when I'm home in Seattle and uh, there's always somebody always someone Perched up there, right? There's just always someone with a sign at this

Freeway exit. It's like just a classic Spot like you're literally like it's almost like you're always gonna be always gonna be that light for at least three to five minutes So there's always a decent amount of time for you to go through the emotions of Recognizing the sign seeing the person you have enough time to size them up and decide if you want to if you think money's gonna help Do you have the money like what's going on with you right now? All right, I've watched the report Where especially the guy up here. There's a guy up here somewhere But I've heard these guys fake some of them fake him. They find the good spots They check them out and one day the cameras followed them

I witnessed four and they'd show them fucking Like staying out there from 6 a.m To 10 a.m rush hour four hours They'd pick up the bucket they'd walk two blocks They'd make a left walk another block and they get into their brand new Yeah, suv And drive off and drive uber. You have no idea. Listen only here. We're black

There's a gas. You're the homeless guy tend to 6 to 10 30 uber black driver 11 30 He just he just sit there and get what the fuck and one and the one day they pulled out as he got One day the investigative report pulled up as he was getting to get out of the parking spot And he rolled his window down there when we were watching you have footage of you How can you do such a thing and the guy's like, hey, we got the whole week Like he had no fucking shame and he had a sign that he had three missing kids and the whole fucking deal There was a guy on on my old street

I think they made a move But he had like he would always wear denim everything had a sign that his house was gonna be foreclosed on He did it right by the mall He was there every day. I bumped into a guy. It's commit. You know, I bumped into him about Six seven. I moved up here 2009. Name me 2010. I moved on this block at the end And we were living there one day. I'm walking and somebody goes joey Hey, what's up? How you doing man? You know, remember me? I was the camera guy on this movie. We shot

You shot three days on you went. Well, I didn't remember the guy But I couldn't tell him that. Yeah, it's a good to see you. You've been working much And it was something my wife was either pregnant or something His wife he his wife's he's my wife's a realtor when we started talking like, you know, it's funny. We were looking for a house place to move to And I connected her with my wife and When then my wife comes back and she's like, let me tell you this lady's acting a lot like creepy fucking question And I go what type of questions she wants this this this this this

No fucking way do I give certain shit out? I don't give a fuck if it ends the relationship You know, I'm saying there's no reason why you should have that information And sure enough you got to admit some stuff, right? These people were living in people's guest houses Yikes, like they were one of those people like they were faking the guy always looked like a fucking bum and then One day when mike dow came and did our podcast. Yeah, like two years later Yeah I tell him my doubts stay over here. There's an airbnb at my buddy owns

He's a down the corner over here. We can pick you up. No, I want my own airbnb He picks on the fucking hub in north hollywood I mean where you could see that they kill people before you could smell the gunpowder in here And when I picked him up the one day he keeps telling me to pick him up the guy who was renting the house Was that dude and his wife? No, that's how they were making a living. They were renting the house and airbnb in the whole house Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Listen, you know nothing I don't know about three years ago before I signed with ca I knew this chick and she started a commercial agency. I called the one. Yeah spoken

And I've been with listen. I've been with a lot of fucking ladies How many she's so many commercial agents At that time that was maybe my fourth in 15 years, maybe 17 years. Yeah, I'm gonna rip me to 20 years yet What was your main commercial at during that time? What was like the one that you were like? Fuck yeah, I got that My first commercial out of the top the first one with the dog from taco bell Oh, I just moved here g money. Oh, yeah, you don't know what it's like. That's what the old days for commercials Dude, fucking when I first got here

Welcome to LA. Do you want to stay at the forum and it had nothing to do with me? I lived on hollywood boulevard before you hit lebray and those buildings that all look the same Yeah on the left hand side Don't let you move in there with bad credit. No credit. Yes. East of lebray, right? Yeah, like if I don't know nothing. I don't know. Listen. No fucking boy scout You're on hollywood boulevard And you're about to hit fucking lebray. I don't got it compass. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about east west And there we lived in there

What the fuck was I even talking about about living? About the commercial agency. Yes, like that. Yeah I was with Sutton Bartham and Ari for like fucking seven years, man and then I went with nobody for a while And I tried these guys in belly hills, but they were painy as I didn't even fire them and I was they got taco bell commercial Yeah, okay. So I moved out here And I got a taco bell commercial and that's when you made cash

But when I lived in those apartments, yes, there was a kid that was a fucking piece of shit His girlfriend was a 12 She was 22. He had that bitch stripping over at uh Jumbo scorn room. No the fuck out of here. This chick was the real deal. Holy field. This chick was I'm Naked making a nickel a night Off a fucking shrimp pan and the fat fuck who killed himself with the cocaine and oh, yeah That place over there is a pussy magnet

in 98 The place I'm with scenic if you go on with scenic and you go towards the airport There's a place on the right hand side that's been there since jesus left chicago and here's the weird thing There's no real fucking boot You got to watch him naked from three feet away. Hollywood has a law I personally went in there to pick up my girl from one night. Yeah And she goes you got to go in there and see this and it was the fucking fat dude before who died What's the name farley? Farley sweating profusiously

With his hair comb back Taking 50s or 20s and just drawing him at the girl and laughing by himself. That's how I knew he was out of his fucking mind When was this about maybe three weeks before he died shut the fuck up That's drip club is every dude those girls and they make money but back to the original story This loser went to do a national commercial. Yeah, and it was doritos Doritos was killing the game for a little bit. Jay Leno did the day high doritos Forget about Jay Leno. This guy was a guy like you that needed a job. We got about Jay Leno Who the fuck about Jay Leno? I don't know

This fucking kid shoots a commercial and he goes hello cleveland And he plays the guitar and he picks up a bag of doritos Well, they shot the commercial. Yeah, but then for an hour or two or three hours They shot him with different doritos bags from all over the world In different languages. They're playing the guitar. No, no, no, no guitar just with a bag of doritos before it blew up They just had him pick up a bag. He would play the guitar go. Hello, cleveland And he'd pick up a bag of doritos eat it and he'd blow up in the arena and all the kids would go Doritos he read he read it in like 10 different languages. He didn't even fucking know what he had done

No, he came home thinking, you know, I'm getting scammed. I booked the commercial. I'm so excited about a fucking Six weeks later He comes in he's like you gotta see this fucking check I got and the first like It was 1998 97 and this check had to be like his first check after nine weeks and was like no was like

22,000 because they had to pay him for each market of the world or something And then like four days after that he got like 40 g's Because in those days they didn't pay you like I booked the international I walked into a commercial one day This guy had already put me into commercials. In fact, I talk about one A construction worker with a hammer. Come on. I got this like a motherfucker. You got construction work. I walk in there It's international national Fucking prime to whatever they call the prime time time. Yeah, they have a name for it. It's full nationals big National but something else it had 20 different categories. I'm thinking big

money Big money I do that was my neighbor moved out Got moved into a boot two bedroom house in hollywood boulevard somewhere and bought a bmw He said he got checks for a long time. There's a scene in titanic Yeah, where a kid opens up the gate and she gets in it He was an extra bro And they picked him on location to do that. You know what his first decision will check was you don't want to know

50 g's yeah those movies You make fucking money those first checks. What do you do with that money? What do you think you do? You snort coke you get hookers you pay your rent You pay the insurance on your car. It's your first big check for davin buster. What do you do with your first big check? I don't know I don't know my I mean my first big check did I got a 20k one from the heat and I Put a bunch towards my car and some loans and then I took a couple grand of it and was like I'm gonna go on a trip

That's why I did Right my first big movie check was 3600 I thought I was johnny gambino Wow I remember going to the check cash in place and wit set like what's going on in this motherfucker I hope we got enough money to cover this cash Uncle joey's here to shut off your fucking lights And they take out fucking five percent of this shit. No Yeah, it was crazy like I always when I got here people were talking about all this big money

And every movie I booked was fucking scale Everybody would go oh wait you get a fucking pilot dog 30 000 Every pilot I shot five pilots in five pilot season not one of them paid 10 000 fucking dollars Really one pilot paid me good because of a cbs in 95 or seven That we didn't even fucking I shot like two days on it. Maybe maybe And they paid me a shitload of dough for those times. You know what I'm saying like that was like Oh, I've been starving for fucking at that point. I was starving Five years

Plus I was getting chased by creditors. I had just gotten divorced. Oh, I was a fucking mess I would go to comedy clubs and there would be a creditor on the phone They want to talk to you about something what's going on discover card. You never sent us a payment. What can you imagine that adam? Right Getting ready go on stage and they call you over and says a phone call for you and you pick it up and it's like hi adam Uh american express we have a great set by the way and you're like, huh? We never got your payment. So we're not gonna unless we get it by 9 a.m. Tomorrow We're gonna cut your shit off and they can't because you're an addict

And there's a scam you got you go to a restaurant and you got a hundred dollars worth of food But the way that pockets 50 and sells you a half gram of coke like a mesa luna the place the fucking Well, what's the name was before she got slashed up and have oj's wife Mesa luna was a place that every tab was three thousand dollars. What but two people go to the dinner That's a fucked up fucking restaurant in brentwood. Yeah before all that shit. That was a cocaine restaurant. I'm looking up They got indicted three years after fucking nicole got killed. Who was this that who the fucking thing you're dealing with some novice here No, no, no, you think they were dropping off sunglasses to nicole's somebody just told me that they they were a was it wane federman I think you know wane federman. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I think wane was telling me

I feel like it was him that was he was a bartender or At a restaurant in brentwood that nicole would come into and oj And she would leave and then he would Just be aligned to these women at the bar and like get their numbers Oh, yeah, like right after it was a disgusting filthy relationship somebody had to die Remember that season of sopranos that it opened up with somebody's gotta go. Yeah Like those two were just doing nasty shit. It never all came out like nobody knows the truth, bro Somebody ended up fucking dead

That was some crazy shit Think about that for somebody that you dated to end up dead out of brandy. I would know man. I've never That's a crazy level. You got to get Crazy would you have to be the stab ball in the neck of the capitator? I'm right through a pillow at an extra over once and I felt bad about that and it was like a soft It didn't I missed her that people hold on That's the feds coming out to like sure finally he admitted about the pillow incident, you know, but no It's kind of crazy that I can't imagine to try to like actually

Hurts but that's crazy. Well, we'll drive somebody to fucking kill their wife their ex-wife Especially the mother of their fucking child They were doing some dirty shit. Yeah, it never came out to embarrass the families and the kids and all Listen at the end. They threw them in jail. They got a lot of them out. Would he ever come to shows? Will he what would he ever come to shows? I think he'd be stupid if he left this house at this point He's an old fucking man. Yeah, he's moving to Florida now To do what to retire. Yeah retire. He's got a huge pension from the NFL, brother. You think so?

I know so that's how he makes a living That's how he makes a living from his fucking pension. He ain't missing meals That's why the goldman's can't touch the goldman's can't touch his pension By law. So he laughs all the way to the bank. Wow He probably gets 20 grand. Look up. OJ's Monthly pension you'll find it. You're fucking hell. 20 grand. Do what? I go dude if I dude Hopefully you're giving most that to kids and then maybe you're going to davin busters like two days out of the week

Get some tickets get some fucking prizes get a bouncy ball He probably owes some money for this defense. God damn it. I need to go to the NFL. He'll go there He'll go there. He'll by the way that sentence in that voice Will never be said again. No, I need to go to the I need to go to the NFL Dude, you know what though the NFL seems like the fucking ticket, right? It's so crazy 25 grand a month he gets. Oh my god Told you

That's 300 000 a year that he lives off. He'll go to florida plus now he has to get social security And ssi and all that other shit that comes with it He'll get himself a nice little small place in florida if he's smart The first time they take a picture him with a white woman. He's back in the fucking news. Yeah, you can't go outside man So, you know, that's the problem. But you really listen. He's 64. Whatever. How much longer does he have on this planet? He's 70. He's 70 guys This happened 24 years ago 25 23. I don't fucking know the math

You know, so who knows how they're gonna treat him now Let him go into a community and die dog in a way. He paid for his sins He didn't get to raise his kids. He didn't go to a lot of graduations. He didn't He was in fucking jail. God knows what he was problem This last time he was in there for a while the first time he was in there Yeah, I think it was like nine years. Oh, yeah, you know, listen, listen, he killed the God knows why he killed the you know, who the fuck knows Who the fuck knows if there was an accomplice

It was one of those relationships, bro. That was toxic We date for a while We break up. I fuck somebody. That's your friend. Do you fuck somebody who's my friend? Then we try to make it work. Listen. They're gonna work dude. Let's let's let's let's let's let's quickly recognize the The willingness to cut ties by a lot of people out there, right that goes through bullshit like that Cheated on you're the cheater or whatever it is and you you can separate when you cheat on before she goes out and sucks a dick Or vice versa Yeah, you know how many times can I catch you cheating on me

Before I go out and fuck somebody or get rid of you and then to stay in it Like what are you at? What are you bringing to the table? Well, let me tell you what he was bringing to the table He gave the parents or how parents are franchise and whenever And I hate to say it this way I really do ladies and gentlemen, but this is how you have to look at it Whenever they went to meso luna or any other bellybells a restaurant the nigga played for dinner You know, so that's the truth. That's saying that the right way. Yeah, he's paying

He's he's fucking my wife, you know, they knew he was beating her if you knew that a man was beating your daughter But now i'm gonna predict him and I own the fucking hurts rash car Thing that you gave me. Oh my god. I hear rid of my door. What am I gonna pick my door? So there's a lot of ugly little things that would never really people didn't look at the People only looked at the fucking big picture They never really looked at all the little things that were being affected. You know saying but at the end Calm is always dead and knocking your door. They always said calm is always gonna send your receipt. You imagine bill Cosby, bro The last 30 years of bill Cosby's life what he did to people and one day

When you're retired All you should be doing is being at home counting 20s and watching tv And getting your foot rubbed by chinese people. Hopefully some fucking black comedians says that you were a rapist and lights on fire 60 women come out of the grave And now you're on trial again He's on trial again when you're 70. What causes that shit to happen? What causes a mafia captain? To be a fucking mobster all his life kill people

Maybe do four years here But as he left money his kids are well educated He goes into his 50. He become a captain. Maybe he becomes an underboss Now he's making 200 grand a month Everybody's eating fucking lobster the kids are living in a mansion two of your kids are in private school and one day at 6 a.m Mr. Cosby it's the federal fucking government And they come in they take everything you got they put you in jail for the rest of your life And your kids have to live like fucking mooks. Oh like like what's that fucking dude? They did an HBO

about the fucking swindler Oh, um Made off could you imagine one is killed himself? At that point of your life You lived your whole life like a savage and all of a sudden you're gonna die in the can As an old man, you know, it's like To be an old man in prison. Do you have any fucking idea? I had Nyquil dreams about it. It's not a fucking pretty sight, man It's not a pretty sight

so Those guys that live all their lives like captains And all of a sudden dying a fucking prison karma always sends you a fucking receipt Karma always says the way you speak in t-shirts joey. I speak in fucking the church. What's happened now? When's the next club you're gonna be at? West Palm Beach improv september 7th Through the 9th and if this comes out before then will it? Yeah, no this comes out tomorrow Oh, great. Yeah, September 7th through the 9th

I was having a flashback to the uh, you know, some of you, you know, there's certain uh things to do in there I remember when I first when podcast first hit and there was still like A handful out there, but then like there was I would be on the road and there was some kid be like Hey, well, you might do mine at a mcdonald's and I was like, you know, I'm gonna do a podcast And then uh, he was like, I'll put this up in like three weeks because I gotta get my audio shit together and I was like Fuck, what was that? What was I doing? Um, also, I know you you got a lot of heavy hitters coming through. So I don't know when this is gonna drop But tomorrow is great. No, no, no, we don't fuck around here. We don't cover our fucking podcast

Also, all this oj shit is super topical. So we gotta get it out. No, no, no We were just talking about a situation where we were it's not that it's super topical It's that We're talking about common how it affects different totally and I also say this about that oj shit Like how many instances in the entire history of our country have happened to where I mean, yo, I heard some oj shit like a week ago and I was fucking riveted You know I'm saying like there's certain things that you're just like he lived like a king Dude, I was in a conversation with with some people and some like yourself that were like someone attached to like

What was happening and I couldn't fucking believe what I was listening to. You know, I was I was so You know Again, just Overwhelmed with the amount of information I was I was getting towards me west palm beach in brav september 7 through the 9th 10 be a brav Tropicana laugh factory vegas all adamry comedy calm Look at you. You got any movies coming out. You got a couple on netflix and Kirby enthusiasm about last night podcast of brad williams

A few of the things in the works Nobody got offended including brad. I'm not offended nobody. I'm old school. I grew up on midget Dude, I love it too. You know, it's like in my jokes all in in my jokes when I have I tell store. I saw that grown a midget by the way is the name of your sitcom midgets Well, you know used to torture midgets in his act a nice clay And I would fucking die when he talked about medics with their little arms and their big heads and all this shit Can I see would say some fucked up shit? Yeah, can I say this about brad too?

Like no no brad's a super great kid a super great kid and also like it's just like it's really like on top of him being a great comedian Uh, like he makes you feel comfortable around him He goes out of his way to recognize in certain situations where people are like, oh, shit Like I haven't been around a little person before I don't know how to respond He's always he'll take the edge off people. I've seen him do it. He puts it on himself immediately It's like it's a very underrated element of his personality and his uh Just who he is the person where he goes I don't want anybody feeling comfortable around me and I want to be able to I want to be comfortable around them in turn

but um that being said when uh Look, it's a bummer that he's about to get married and now he's not going to be making cookies anymore But you know, it's all good. He's a good dude, man. What's going on? Lisa? Yeah, look at you good. Those stars got to you. You've been slipping lately Anyway, did you know that depending on where you get your mortgage? You can save 20 g's or more But any percent of people only get one mortgage offer And if you just go to your bank chances are you getting ripped off you're gonna get screwed

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Terms and conditions apply. Listen to me people. I'm gonna talk to you motherfucker smart It's august what 29 30th half you motherfuckers are scratching thinking to yourself. I got the the right system this year to bet I'm gonna go out and beat the fucking bookmaker. Well, here you go You ready for this uncle joey's ready to set you up my bookie dot ag Ever since I started this podcast every once in a while people tweet us or ask us for advice Lee and I always talk about the patriots. He knows our money when I come to the patriots But people ask Dallas whatever let me tell you this When you're betting it's just as important as who you're betting on

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Fuck at 9 11 on tv You watch 9 11 on tv So do you No, I didn't I was sleeping my wife was crying a little. I didn't know what was going on Fuck the giants had lost that's that sun that monday night before So that's also a big deal that week. Yeah, the bad thing. Thank you for coming on I love you man. Thank you. We'll see you this weekend. Have a great labor day weekend. Be safe But your family stay black. I love you

Oh my god Oh Hey Have them so naturally didn't I know it would love the next thing I Pulled me close What was I gonna do? I let myself go Now we fly through the stars. Well, this life will last forever Yeah

I've been waiting for you. It's been so long I know just what I could do. Well, not hurt your song I feel my heart with you Getting the freak done You knew I could not finish. I needed someone And now we're flying through the stars. I hope this night lasts forever Oh Ain't nobody

Love me better Make me happy Make me feel this way Ain't nobody Love me better I wish one night that I'll bring to me Can't believe I'm the one I was so lonely

I didn't let no one figure it out I must be dreaming I want this dream to be real I'm in this feeling I make my wish upon this heart And hope this night will last forever Ain't nobody Love me better

Make me happy Make me feel this way Ain't nobody Love me better Make me feel this way Ain't nobody Love me better Then you'll

First you brush your arms around me Then you put your arms around me I can't resist the sweet surrender Oh, my nights are warm and tender It's staring to each other's eyes And what we see is no surprise Got a feeling most with treasure Ain't no love so deep

We cannot live Ain't nobody Love me better Make me happy Make me feel this way Ain't nobody Love me better Love me better

Ain't nobody Love me better Then you'll First you brush your arms around me Ain't nobody Love me better Make me feel this way Ain't nobody

Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody

Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody baby Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody

Ain't nobody Ain't nobody Ain't nobody