Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #515 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: September 11, 2017

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of  the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.    LendingTree - Find out how much you can save TODAY at LendingTree.com/CHURCH   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Recorded live on 09/10/17

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terms and conditions apply Get ready a rock motherfuckers Church of what's happened now Monday September 11 Can you see that Here you go motherfuckers a beautiful day to be alive 9-11 a terrible date in history, but fuck it. We moved on that's what makes you a fucking American My heart goes out to the people in Florida Irma now Jose's coming 22 fucking Spanish fucking hurricane, but anyway

We're here with queer Lisa yet the original Christ killer and my beauty queen of the church miss fucking Okay, quickly. I love you. We were talking about something interesting with you in the beginning years ago I'll never forget years ago a young Steve Renzi's he came up to me. He's like he was all sourpussed up And I go what the fuck's your problem? He goes man The last fucking three pilot seasons I've been to 12 producer sessions For screen test and I haven't booked shit. I go every time you do one of those you get closer to your goal You know and look a year later. He ended up on that effect show was a hit the whole fucking deal And you were talking about that you had a bunch of stuff going on a year ago and that now

Yeah, your headlining places people is showing up Yeah, I was just saying like it's it's interesting because I mean I'm from a small town and I get messages from people like all the time from back home and they're like Congratulations, you're doing so great. You know like somebody the other day sent me a clip They're watching me on the avian awards like it's just weird because people send me that and I'll literally be like in the 99 cent store Like trying to buy food. You know what I mean? Cuz stuff is what like it's so up and down this business and that's what I was saying to you like Sometimes you feel on cloud nine like I just did like four weeks on the road

I have blind people came which is a lot because of you like a lot of church came. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, they come out and it was great and the podcast is doing well like stuff is doing well But then at the same time you feel like nothing is happening because my show got canceled last year's on showtime I keep going to like producers on stuff and not getting it. I have a great agent, but I'm not getting tons of auditions So it's just it's interesting because I think it's easy to make it look online Like you're crushing and then even other comics will come up and be like, oh my god. Congrats. It's going so well But the truth is it's like it's like the teeniest baby first step It's like nothing really not nothing

But it's just I've been depressed and I'm always like very bubbly online I'm always very like everything is awesome But I think it's important for people to see that like even though you get a little like you get one small thing It's you have to keep like grinding forever, you know I don't know if you know this after you shoot a project in LA. Yeah, like let's say tomorrow your agent calls you and he goes We have no addition for you for fucking two broke girls. Yeah, and you go down there and book it the day after you finish Employment yeah, okay, so the reason why that happens is because they know you might never get anything again I know I know I know I know, you know

I'm looking at you. You're here at the 10-year mark You were a lot. You're doing a lot better than I was at the 10-year mark because you're known Okay, because of the internet at the 10-year mark in LA. It was 2007 2007 and six were probably my worst years ever I was going through what you're going through now because the longer short came out. Yeah, so I'm shooting along the short They're telling me Joey once this comes out. It's all over the shot I mean people gonna light your cigarettes and right right. Yeah Then the movie came out and nothing happened, but I'll never forget this story because of a situation

I got an audition for a pilot and fuck from Fox Fox called this manager I had at the time and said we really want Joey for this project. It was like a You know the same shit two nice roommates and one crazy one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Just the same dumb shit that any network up with time to time And I read the thing and then we're gonna go a little edgier Like a fox was trying to go edgier. This is 2007. Okay, this guy was like a druggy and a drunk Oh, wow, so in my mind it was right. You're like perfect for me Right before I quit doing blow. Yeah, and I'm like fuck it

I'm gonna stay up all night and get coked up and go in there looking like the guy for real hilarious I snorted coke to about four. I drank a couple gin and tonics. I got this week like alcohol Method I probably slept like four fucking hours and I walked in there like a 10 15 and they asked me to leave Shut up because they knew right away. You were fucked up. Oh, I was gacked up my eyes. Oh god. Joe was going. That's crazy They're like, you know, yeah, that's that's not the best way to do it. You're not right for this part at all, but It was a stupid thing. I did but the moral of the story is that I Just did a movie with Adam Sam. It came in second to a fucking right kids movie So really one we only lost a weekend by a million dollars to some animated movie

So we were really the number one fucking movie. I figured the phone wouldn't stop ringing I get it dog. I get it You want to hear the craziest LA story when I the first year and I should always think about this the first year that I lived here I used to do paid audience work I don't know if people even know like a lot of shows, you know, you go like Chelsea Lately when it first came out You would sit in the audience They'd give you like a hundred bucks if you were decent looking to sit down in the front So you're on camera and I would do that for extra cash. So one day I'm doing Craig Ferguson. It was 75 bucks

You're there two hours. I'm waiting in line to go in. There's a guy behind me and he looks so familiar And I was like, hey, man, I feel like we've met. Do I know you and he was like, oh, I get that a lot And I was like, no, I'm pretty sure I know you. I'm like how I'm like, what do you do? And he's like, well, I used to be on a TV show. Do you ever watch soap operas? And I was like, I don't but my my mom watches them and he was like, well I was on General Hospital for like three seasons He was a series regular on General Hospital and then he's like, but then I got killed off and things have been tough I haven't been getting work and he was doing paid audience work and I remember at the time thinking shit

Like because in my mind, I was like once you get a TV show, you're good to go. You know, it's never over. No No, it's crazy. It's weird. You said something that I've been telling Lee for years and I didn't want to believe it I never wanted to believe it because I thought the world was a paradise It's not I thought that people work 40 hours a week On the weekends, everybody got Bacardi rum and you went on somebody's balcony and you cool and shit But they don't tell you that Bacardi rum cost 25 dollars a bottle and there's 18 people that right and you got to pay for 22 fucking bottles. Well, it's different filling all this shit No, so we're raised on this confusion and then you move out here and you realize that first of all

If you go to a beach For the day, let's say tomorrow morning you wake up you turn on KTLA and this is gonna be 98 degrees Yeah, and you call your hot girlfriend. You go. Well, let's go to Malibu Let's go down to Hermosa Beach for the day and you go down and you get in your car That's 12 o'clock you lay in the beach You put your suntan lotion on and you got a call from the manager agent that says You need to be at fucking Paramount at 130 for that happens all that happens all the time So this is part of your fucking life that has driven me crazy for years. And this is what I tell people

You can't do nothing. You're so right. You really can't you can't you can't even when I take like one day I'm gonna go to Disneyland with your kid. You know how many times I've been ready to leave with Mercy and Terry And I'll get a voiceover audition or theatrical audition the day of and you go to yourself This is what I get for leaving because I knew the rules, you know, that's how I got my sag card I never would have got my second card. I was at home and my agent called it was one spike fiercest and show was on the air There's a show in foxes. You remember? Yeah, my agent called and said hey, they're shooting the sketch You're perfect for it if you can be there in 20 minutes You got the job and it was it was my first ever like union job

And if I hadn't been home ready and not just home like not just home and available Makeup on I mean you basically have to be ready to run out the door and hop on camera sober But I sober you can't go fucking drink it to any afternoons at a bar No, because you never go no one you so I learned this by 2000. I was like, oh This is a fucking nightmare like I used to go down to her most of beats for pizza by the peer there by Comedy Magic Club. Yeah up the corner. They used to be at the best pizza. You ever had them guys from Jersey We would all meet at the comedy store every afternoon a bunch of comics and drive down there for pizza You know many times I was on down and I sat down and I get a call to go down a fucking

Santa Monica audition for a commercial. Yeah, so you you cut it out of your life You're right a different commitment I've even been like I've been trying to take Sundays and chill like I've been trying to take Sundays off But then like even today my friend got a last-minute Sunday audition like they were having callbacks today for I mean It was it's for commercial was for a national commercial and he got a last-minute like straight to the callback I never hear of that happening on a Sunday, but it can happen any time couple weeks I had a meet with Ben Stiller on a Sunday Oh, yeah, he said that doing the afternoon because that's what they're doing now. This is not listen

30 years ago in this country you could survive By working five days a week and taking off and letting your mind cure and whatever fucking job you have in mind First of all, you know, you know me so well these people take the weekends off and They gallivant on the week and I see it. I see it. I've seen it with comedians. I've been doing that way for years I remember one time a comic came to me who was doing phenomenally here Phenomenally and he was doing it by himself. He wrote a treatment and sold it to Fox by himself Wow, I mean this kid was on a roll Yeah, he's at the store one night a big name song and started taking them on the road

And I'll never forget what this kid did and I'll never forget this. He got married Fucking on a Friday out of town, but it was like a two-week thing the way you said that and when he told me You know, you want to get married you get married the day after Christmas when they ain't gonna call you for a job You're right. You're right. You better get married the day before Thanksgiving. I haven't taken a vacation in five Vacation is when you go on the road for comedy and you go in the day early You go on a day early you do radio Thursday and that Thursday afternoon before the one show, right? You go for your little tupta tupta you go to that restaurant everybody send you because the rest of the night You got two shows a night and you ain't got time to be fucking around the daytime

It's crazy. You have to be focused for those two fucking shows you have to grind 22 hours to come see you you're so right you want to go hang out with your buddies and suntan We're gonna be prepared for two shows You can't even take break though when you're on the road during the day because you know what happens I'll go out of town like no weekend and I'll come back and I'll have no spots that week unless I was making calls and shit While I was on it's just it's never ending never ends And I think that's what happened is I just I hit this point recently where I'm like Fuck I'm like grinding and grinding and grinding but then suddenly you feel like you hit a plateau

And then it's like that's the moment when it's so hard. You're like, where do I push extra? What do I do extra, but I'm so exhausted you guys at home. I'm gonna be as honest. I can't with you I am a fucking spick By by rule we're hard workers. We work. We break our back. I'm one of those people I'm gonna tell you something right now guys honestly honestly honestly From October of 1993. I want you to look at your fucking calendars from October of 93 To May of 2004 or no to July of 2004 I

Was at seven nights a week doing comedy. I'm gonna tell you people that from the heart. I started coming 91 I thought it was like a fucking little week type thing Then I did like twice a week when I went to New York here. I am in the fucking Heart of comedy and I'm doing three spots a week where you could do 20 Do you right? Can I tell you something crazy 11 years? I did not watch a TV show. I did not know what Santa live was I did not know what anything. That's how I am too Real comic you don't know what anything is People give me shit because I don't know what's because then when you go out on auditions or you have meetings like I'll go to networks

And I'll have to research what's on the network on the way I didn't know Joe Rogan was on when people when I first met Joe Rogan and they were like he's on news radio I thought he did radio. I thought he did news radio. Yeah, I thought that he was on AM radio Yeah, and then my girlfriend at the time goes no He's on a show on NBC and that's how you know a real comic. That's when you know when somebody's working I was just dating a guy who's like an actor comedian He was so offended because I didn't know any of his work and I'm like, I don't watch TV I literally never watch TV. I turn on Netflix at night. I fall asleep

That's the only time I even turn it on and then I pass out watching it So I don't retain anything so those years where you're the years like from year two It's like Marco at Jiu-Jitsu. I've been going over there for two and a half or two years Maybe two years. No a year and a half and Marco's been there for a year At first when he joined over there, he had he was coming in three times a week. He quit his job Now he goes to Jiu-Jitsu every day every day. Yeah, every day some days And he's getting amazing and he's getting amazing. Yeah, he already passed me He's got a stripe on his belt. Why because that's what he decided he wanted to do

Yeah, and he did it once comedy is one of those things that you double dabble at first But once you jump into it you jump into it those nights You stayed home with your girlfriend on Thursdays and you have hands and watch cheese. That's gone But it's not even just enough to do spots because I do spots Probably five six nights a week if I can get them and then but the thing is it's not even enough to do spots at night Now with social media and shit you have to be doing something always you have to be doing like the Hollywood pool party are doing Like the periscope every morning or I mean it's just you can't ever take three four hours and just chill because someone else is working Harder and I'll see it like I see it on social media and I'm like fuck these people are doing all these things

Yeah, but here's the thing also. I don't want to live on social media I want to touch them and leave them alone and hit me up and go Doug. What the fuck you bet I don't want to be that guy. Good idea because if you're down there all day Yeah, now you know you don't need to over-saturate and boy. Why are you everybody? Yeah, that's social media is great But it's because it's grown into something else now You know like I said two weeks ago somebody posted that we used to use social media as an escape from life now We're using life as an escape from social media. How funny is this? You're taking pictures of your food. You're taking pictures of your friends. You're taking pictures of fucking birds, right?

To show you yeah, that's no need for that. I don't want the people to know what to eat I don't want people to know who the fucking meeting with I want people to know I'm standing in front of a rocket Well, it's all fake anyway, you make your life look however you want it, but it's not That's not real. I am so yeah, you need to focus in areas, you know, I get hit up by people constantly There was this guy last week that I had to be rude to I had to be rude to I didn't want to and I'm gonna tell you I was rude to Since day one and this is just my opinion as a comedian I don't want anybody to take it the wrong way, especially you or any other comic. This is what works for me

Yeah, the the characters and the and the person the things in this part of the show are for me as Bad as bad as I was on cocaine And as bad as I was after a show I could use a fucking bumper coat Yeah, you know saying Kate Quigley's here I need an eight ball because with a gram I can put that monkey to work. Thank you We got to come up with a quick 150. Thank you. I had no idea that was a compliment. Yeah. Well, I'm flattered What's Kate Quigley sure if I bumped into Kate well, let's say if I bumped into Kate anytime before 2005 I let her have two or three cocktails. Then I take him by the side

But you might have just keyed in on why I'm single Kate I want to blow a fucking coke rock in your pussy and eat it. What do you think and Kate would look at me and go Give me 15 minutes if the guy shows up, I'll leave with him if not I'll let you blow a coke rock in my ass. Oh, what the fuck and you sit there And you come back and you know, and you have that little condo in La Jolla Yeah, and I put it but we'll talk for a while. We'll talk about time Yeah, take any a beating from me and then I'll put them put a coat in your ass. No, I'm just saying During all that stuff. Yeah, I didn't sell a CD. I

Refuse to sell a t-shirt. Yeah, I have a bad problem with prices of tickets You know, I canceled Kansas City in problem this year because they try to fuck around I respect the people who come to my shows. I don't like to sell murder. You know, I don't like to sell merch Yeah, I feel fucking weird. I had to yell at this guy because because t-shirts are not my priority T-shirts are something that's like a luxury for me. I hate I wish I could buy him and just give him the fuck away Because that's how much they irritate me fucking sell him that shit But you have to do it today. If not, you're not part of the crew. I didn't sell merch for the money I sold it because if not people think you do something weird with you like do you have any coffee cups? It's weird though

Yeah, I don't like that shit when I was on the road with red band. We did it the first two weeks And then in Phoenix. I was like, I just feel it makes you feel it's weird to do the show and then stand there and shill stuff So I just stopped doing that shit. I don't either, but you know, I want you to shake my hand Let's take a picture and I'm delay. I don't want to hear you beating. I don't want to take you beating I don't want to do none of that shit. I don't want to see what size you are. I don't want to sign I want to do comedy. Yeah, I want to fucking comedy. Yeah, you're paying money to come see my comedy again prices People get arguments of me constantly club owners Agents I get calls all the time because you want to sell tickets for cheaper 22 and 25. That's what I'm fucking worth

Okay, that's what I'm worth anything after that. I'm rip. You know why because the fucking ticket people have a fucking ticket thing on there For $7. I don't make a dime on that. Yeah, that goes for those fucking thieves So, you know, you get killed. I don't want people to go Jesus Christ, Joey You're right. It cost me $150 to come see you. What the fuck do you think you are? You're right. Who the fuck do you think a comedy show should be the alternative to a film? I agree like if I take you on the date and we go to a movie and it's sold out and I turn around and there's a comedy club Let's go over there 15 to get in a drink is $4. No, they charge you $84 I agree with that and then the fucking I got to feel bad for the people because I feel like they got I gouged

But then don't you feel like that's a kind of underselling what you guys do? Because the way the movies make money is they have thousands of screens. You guys only make money for where you are at one point So like it even though like if you would say well, well, then your ticket should only be 15 bucks Like that's you guys like you guys make a living I see what you're saying, but I also like okay a movie is what 15 bucks 12 bucks I don't know like maybe a comedy ticket 22 25 Double I don't think it should be like 50. I think that's fair 25 Tickets have to be more because you have to rent out the theater and they know what you're up to so they I gouge

That's why when you go to a theater Those fucking when you get your bill from a TV like what? Yeah, are you fucking crazy? And they're like that's that's legit though. This is a union theater. You go a minute over your time Well, the problem too though is like my favorite audience is like a working-class audience. They're the most fun Exactly get them. No, I don't appeal to people. We fucking caviar. No, they talk I I appeal to people we fucking stay comes and they fart they scratch their ass holes I think that's why I smell it. I love all that. I don't want a bad mouth anywhere But I think that's why like there's one club in particular. I I play often that charges a lot

It's like 50 bucks for a ticket and the crowds always suck. It's always pretentious Wealthy order not that old crowds are bad, but it's just all white people and it's just like a it sucks Because if the tickets were 25 30 bucks, then yeah, you get like younger people like hard workers Like people that are excited to laugh not people that are like normally seeing Broadway shows that are like, oh, let's see how let's see how this will be isn't it? Like they never even go to comedy like it's it's not as fun. You're right I just don't like the it's so weird when you want to be a painter or something to do with art

And then one day money gets involved You know money fucking fuck shit is weird and you're like, well, what am I gonna do? I did I have done this You know, then I think about all the years. I made $8,000 Were you happy or a couch? I was happier though. Oh my god. I used to be so happy I was so like I made when I was married. I had a job where I made so much money I used to do these gigs where I would be like basically a spokesmodel for different brands like high-end brands like BMW Mercedes I would make like 800 bucks a week plus or I'm sorry 800 bucks a day plus per diem like I would make so much. Yeah, I was fucking crazy

But I was miserable. I hated it. I hated everything about it. I didn't give a fuck about the cars I didn't want to wear the outfit I didn't want to talk to the people and then I quit that and I got a studio in LA in the fucking worst building You've ever seen I literally had a naked crack head sleeping outside my apartment door in the hallway in the interior hallway for like A year and I knew him by name like I would come out and he'd be like laying there naked with like a boner first thing in The morning, I'd be like hey Ted and just walk down the hall. I slept on the floor. I had no furniture At the time I was married, but my ex was on the road doing like gigs doing other shit And I was the happiest I'd ever been I was doing stand-up and I was auditioning and I just felt so alive

But I was making no money But I just hated like that's the thing like I meet people to go well Don't you want more don't you want to like get out of it? Like now I live in a shitty one bedroom apartment people like don't you want to get out of here? And I'm like, I don't really care. I'll make I'm happy now like even though I say like yeah I get depressed when my career is kind of slumping or whatever when you mean depressed. I Get depressed motherfucker like me you get depressed for 48 minutes. No, and then you go What the fuck is my problem lately? I've been depressed for days, but you know what part of it is?

You know what it is? I'll tell you It's relationship shit because the thing is you can't have I mean you do it. You're married and you managed to do it But for me I find Starting a relationship maintaining a relationship and focusing on your building your career is impossible. It's impossible You have 92 guys you're hunting. No, I really don't you're a 90. I don't hump them all I do date I do date around but I don't fuck them all. Here's the thing. I once told a very funny woman a very funny give up Came up to me one day and she goes, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm gonna bring guys this listen listen

You didn't move to LA the fall no Okay, okay, and I understand the sadness and the loneliest part of it people think that when you're on the road It's fucking jumping up and down. Oh night. You're in a hotel for two nights by yourself and Law and order you can't watch it anymore and you don't want to go downstairs and smoke and I'm a girl So I'm not taking audience members back to my room like guys, you know, you might go out and like bring back an audience member I'm not doing that. You know, so it's a little different, but it's just I don't want to fall in love I don't want to get married again, but I want something more than just I show up and fuck you and that's it's almost impossible to have

Anything healthy and pursue my career. So lately I've been feeling like I have to choose Which is like, I think that's what's bumming me out, but I have had some really hot hookups lately. So it's not all bad I'm not what I want though. That's it. See look what I you know There's a thousand and one complaints that women lay on you. I sit here and I Cleaned out my desk a couple months ago and I'm one of the folders. I found all my First couple of years, you know, when you got a spot at the store, you steal the piece of paper from the wall I found all of those I found all my call sheets from

spider-ment who in the longest yard and Law and order anything I'd done. I found the call sheets, you know, and I ripped out all those line-ups And I looked at the thing and I first off the first thing I looked at who's so it was still 16 fucking colleagues on the lineup There's always two girls. So all these women that are crying about today that they don't put enough women at the store And it was the same shit. I got the line-ups for days in a row for years That's not as many of us. Okay, so right away. You've never been one of those that wine you've always gone after it Okay, you've always done after it and that's where you gain my respect because Some people like you said this is tough. This isn't like a year and then it ends

This is every day. Yeah, I'm here 20 fucking years and this morning's league gets up and I've already fucking twitted You know the fucking thing written. I've already done a thousand things. Why because I know That something can happen anytime. I could get a call. It's true and this could all change. I've lived here for a long time I remember auditioning for a movie April 5th And having people call them every fucking day And then one day they called me in July and said What are you doing tomorrow? You're so right and I go I'm not doing anything. Why they like do you want to go to a table read tomorrow about one o'clock?

And I said sure I'll be there and they go, all right. We'll see you there one And then about two hours later they called back and said hey What are you doing after the table read tomorrow? And I go nothing they go You want that right? You want to take a flight down to Albuquerque in Mexico with us and shoot for six weeks So right there people people people have no idea when somebody calls you on a Monday It's true and says Tuesday at one o'clock. You got to go somewhere and at four you're taking a fucking plane You're right to do Mexico and you got to put all your business in order Also, I got to lay it on your your girlfriend or whoever to watch your cat or your fucking dog

You got to have somebody deposit the checks because you're not going to get paid on the set in Albuquerque They're gonna send it to your house Yeah, you're right though, man And the thing is it's like you got to be ready for that But also I can't tell you how many times I didn't pick up my phone and I called back an hour and a half later And the job is gone. I mean you got to be so on it No, I don't give a fuck when I made tunnels you you know when I when I first got when I first got out of my marriage I uh, I started dating a guy a comic actually like a successful comic and

I remember at the time I was really into this guy and you know, he said to me and I was pissed at the time But now I'm so good He goes you shouldn't be dating me right now. You want this you should be out seven nights a week doing it You shouldn't be dating anybody And he wouldn't see me anymore and I remember the time being like fuck that guy. I'm gonna fucking Blow up so I can be like fuck you man And I was angry

But then it motivated me and then I really that's what made me start going out and getting up like two three nights a week Listen all that lovey-dovey shit. Yeah, I told me one day. I told leon. I love this kid with all my heart I go lee. I appreciate what you're doing with paul. I love it but right now Right now if I'm I've lived the life and I fucked up my life If I could do it all over again, and I was 29 28 There really would be no love attachment Until I made my first million dollars because in this new world order in this new society

And when I mean love attachment is kate. I love you. You're my fucking woman. I'm not gonna cheat on you Nothing's gonna happen, but duck I don't got time for fun and games But that is that is a relationship. I don't have time for fun and games. That is relationship You know fun and games this sundays I don't have time to meet up with your fucking stupid college friends and watch the wing with patriots and have margaritas I gotta work Because that's a different you know those attorneys. It's so easy. It's easier for guys. I need that

There's there's agents. I know that I talked on sundays and they're going to work. Oh, yeah No, that's true. They're gonna work at their house, you know attorneys. I love attorneys because a good attorney will tell you I don't know what you're talking about. I don't watch football. They never chill you go to your office You're always doing something even if you go do one hour's work. You're mentally there true. You're there. Listen, we need Some people need a day off. I've trained my mind That I take six hour blocks off Like a six hour block for me You learn how to rejuvenate in six hour. That's impressive. I think that what you just said is

What the problem is it's not physically exhausting this work But it it it it it takes a mental strength To just get through and it like oh, it's not as hard But it's it's just to always be on call to always have it to always be on It it does it it does drain the battery a little Just always thinking like my brain is always fucking you have to be when I was a kid My best friend was gearhead and that's what they called him gearhead because he was always a lala That's how I am. I can it's not a lot today is worth 10 fucking million dollars because why you were thinking of

Joseph and why he's not dating you If he's dated his girlfriend Gearhead was thinking about what's important. You said something very interestingly You said it's very mental whatever At the age in 1994 I got mad at the world. I got divorced And some people took her side some people took my side, you know, shit was going on. I was broke I was frustrated as a comic you get frustrated as a comic and the frustration is you want it so fucking bad

You don't understand how bad I want this. So you figure out how you're gonna get this and you know, it's a plan But I remember thinking to myself this You know, I tell lia. I love him. I tell kata. I love uh when I talked to joe at the end We'd say we love you the kids I grew up with I don't give a fuck what you people say, you know in the sense of your family. I have a tight-knit group of people You have to mentally Be strong and say to yourself You know what if this person loved me he wouldn't act this way or she wouldn't act this way. That's true. I'm getting rid of them

You're right I'm getting rid of them because this is so stressful That you can't the the worst part of this This and anything that has your mind involved on a daily Is when you get caught up in somebody else's life. That's it. Well, not just yeah, no one now. I'm living with kate and kate Is the press the sitcom got fucking My sitcom is rocking and rolling my sitcom is rocking and rolling ABC. Yeah, and yours just got canceled So now now I'm depressed and then you're killing it and then there's this weird elephant in the room

Yeah, totally. I see that. Yeah, and this is why I tell people that you know what man If something and you you have to eliminate problems, you're right And pick you have to pick. What is that expression? You have to pick your battles pick your battles You really do you can't worry. That's why when I hear people talking about politics or the jets Or whatever and look at that car that's got three deaths in it. I go. Why are you worried about the jets or trump or hillary Or fucking pence or any of this shit Worry about your problems right to the front. Yes, true. Nothing really started to work for me in my life To especially with comic, you know what I used to do every afternoon

I used to fucking get up smoke dope Right a little bit go get chinese Go see if I got checking the man over on gardener and then from there I'd hook up with a bunch of comics And we talk about our futures and I realized the guys I was looking up with Had no future. Had no future. What was I doing four hours in afternoon hanging out with these guys getting depressed and I Eliminate them from my life And next thing, you know, we're here

You know, I heard the best quote somebody said to me one time They said if someone cuts into your self-esteem cut them out of your life Like if anything about them is making you feel shitty cut them out and it's it's true I'm pretty good about it for the most part, but occasionally I fall into one Well, and it's not that it's just there's people who come into your life And they consume energy that's in their friendship. That's it. And one day you're like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa I'm sitting over here worried about this person And I got two shows that are sold out

Exactly. Why the fuck am I uh, yeah, you're right. There's just so many aspects of the mind You know, it's like It's like when people first come out here, you ever see a movie star blow up right in front of your eyes Yes, tippany haddish I'm talking about like I saw that fucking dude the dude that did uh That they used to be our men our meds roommates Vince Vaughn Vince Vaughn. Oh Vince. Yeah, I saw Vince Vaughn blow up. Yeah, I saw Vince Vaughn blow up so hard

That he got over Saturated and they blew him up even so hard that for a while he was just doing bomb movies And that happens because it's the it's the law Of diminishing returns returns, you know, yeah, you cannot Take on 18 you and I both know That's true. That's true If you came to me right now and said joey, you're on a tv show You're gonna do stand-up and I'm gonna maintain the podcast

I'd sit down honestly and go, okay So please the podcast is on sunday nights every sunday because can't do it during the week That's a tv show. There's no way I could fit in during the week. That just happens to me You're right. No way I'm gonna work all day and come home wash my pussy and come in here And talk to some fucking guests and then be prepared for tomorrow So sundays i'm doing that then I look at my comedy schedule and I go, you know what? I don't want to do this But I have to do this this gets scrapped this gets scrapped

You have connecting flight this gets scrapped this gets scrapped this gets scrapped put friday and saturday rooms instead There the whole time so I could stay home till thursday. Yeah, you don't want to spread yourself too thin. It's so easy I've seen 20 000 comics over the last 20 years Start running with the ball and next thing, you know, that same ball kills them You know what? I think it is because I think it's when you're starting out. You want to say yes to everything Because you just want anything you're like, I want exposure. I'll do your podcast No, no, no, but I'm talking about when you first start out you say yes to anything And then yeah all the every year there's a shabbat festival. Yeah the thing about shabbat. Yeah

Right every sat september the shabbat telethon And they do it in Beverly Hills And I never forget one day I'm an acting class and as I'm walking out the acting teacher conduct me goes, come here for a second Some guys called here looking for you Like really and I read it and if some kids I call them up and they have like an israeli accent What is doing Videos for shabbat and we saw you and we want to use you

It does not pay, but you know all this shit. It's going to be seen by 3,100 million jews he goes Spielberg the whole thing we cannot pay you I go, let's fucking do it They fucking call me on labor day me and my wife had plans like we had just started this year. No This has to be because we were talking about the other day shabbat telethon came on hilarious I go remember that and she goes, please. I'll never forget that We had just started we had been dating like maybe two years

I was always on the road. I'm finally home one weekend and this labor day we get invited to a party and Something we have like a dinner like we used to our big thing in those days was sizzling We used to like if we were still my big thing if we went to sizzler in those days That was to celebrate like movie roles We go to sizzler amazing like if I got a tv show When I got the chance commentary movie I went to sizzler. We spent 35 hours like oh shit. You're like steak night. Oh my god And those are the stories that you do. Yes, you're right. I was a little happier back then you were happier

less stress, but you were I think the happiest I ever was if I wasn't dating the stripper I would have had a much better time I mean I had a lot of no guy has ever said that by the way of oh my god. I hadn't had this damn stripper Oh, if I wouldn't have had that stripper. She was the poison of death. That's what you said today I checked up on her because the hurricane was you guys became friends. We're friends, man That's hilarious. Listen. Let me tell you something. You had the taste in women that I have in men now I think you had it and then you like no I

Dated this chick because I was married I dated a chick that I was married to a chick that one night by mistake. I popped it in a muffler By mistake. Oh, yeah, that's what every guy says three in the morning Three in the morning. I went for a piece of ass and I put in the wrong by mistake the next day. She was furious She woke up and she's like I bled from my ass. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute Wait a minute things. I was like I was married to that wait. Can we discuss that for just one second? Hold on So you accidentally put it all the way in there like she didn't say anything like halfway in like hey wrong You're in my ass. I don't fuck. She didn't want to and then she woke up in the morning

In pain and didn't realize that like she didn't say anything the night before I don't even remember I'll never forget that the next morning. She said something to me and she wasn't happy for a few days You know, I went from being like a lunatic to being settled down for six years I bumped into a few pieces of ass along the way but nothing too crazy They used to be this girl she used to make fucking cheesecake. She was from Hawaii. She grew up in Hawaii And she used to make cheesecakes at this fucking cheese place It was just it was called like a cheese restaurant, but they made sandwiches But she worked behind the register and she made cheesecakes and she was from Hawaii and she was tremendous

I met her when I was about 19 and she probably was about 20 She had a boyfriend named kip And I was friends with kip and his kumban. We used to go up there. She would give me a slice of cheesecake Oh, I bet She was tremendous. She was beautiful. She was blonde real big Fucking tits real. Yeah Like fucking playmate type tits that were real Banging body. I liked her very much. You know, I respect her. She had a boyfriend

I talked to her from time to time at the pool and shit. He doesn't believe me. And I went to fucking I respected her. I went to jersey for nine ten months. You don't know how much I respect when I came back She was still there, but now she was dating a Spanish dude. Like from spain. That was a chef at paula france She was in love with him his shit nice and fucking You know, we used to double date me the girl I was married to at the time I wasn't married to the girl. I was You were gonna marry. Yeah, and the Spanish dude I used to be I used to be a house sitter

And I used to instead of bringing them to my side of the house I would invite them to the big side and we had a jacuzzi and we had a from the jacuzzi You walked inside and there was a steam thing Like a steam room and then there was a sauna. Yeah, and there was a shower So, you know for a few weekends on friday night stay would come up and we'd get a few eight balls And we'd all go to the jacuzzi and she'd have a little fucking bikini on and from time to time and she would ask me Creepy things. I always I was friends with her. She'd ask you creepy things like what? Like I love the only towels, you know, like the like the

Why is that creepy? Are those the only towels? Like she was saying those the only times because I would need like a bigger towel like to make me get out of the jacuzzi or something Oh, she's wanting to watch you walk away. No, I didn't like that. I don't know. I don't know what the deal was I want to see photos of you back then but I just sent you one. Oh, that oh, that's right. Yeah, we can see your body So I was yoked so So fucking So this this went on for weeks

And one friday night I went and copped from this chick named neely berment She had some fucking great a cocaine. I mean it was fucking tremendous fucking She gave it to you on wax paper. I mean she was Yeah, everybody was giving to you Everybody was giving to you aluminum foil and or bendels She was giving it to you on wax paper, but she wouldn't sell you nothing less than a quarter ounce Like oh, yeah, and it was 700 for a quarter ounce The coke was that fucking good. It was right off the clip

They ended up blowing that dude up and his jeep the guy she was getting the coke from Yeah, they blew that dude up in a fucking jeep and shit blew him up blew him up with a fucking That coke was coming direct from the fucking collie cartel. Yeah And let me tell you something We went back and we were at my house and this shit she at the time the chick who turned me on to this other There were lesbians. I I was getting I was friends with a lesbian chick and one night she gave me a blast I was like what the fuck was that? And she goes there's this shit on pimping. She was friends with the hot blonde with the big tits

No, no, no, no, she was friends with the drug dealer. So she'll show me on Throw him back to my place with this nitro coke And I gave a seat a couple lines and we're having a good time and we're talking to me and the guy talking spanish And she gets up and she walks out of the tub kind of like creepy and looks at me And I see that she walks in and she goes into the steam I go, you know what? I gotta play this fucking hand No, I was uh, it's right there with my your girls in the hot tub my girls in the hot tub Oh, shit

I'm like get up and I walk right in there And when I walk into the fucking steam bed, she's sitting there with the steam Naked no no no She just had a talon. No, she had nothing on just a bikini And she goes, what are you doing here? I need to cool off too. I need to warm up too. It's kind of getting cold She goes, I know And I when she said cold for some reason I looked down and her nipples were hard

For some reason I just looked her straight in the face and I go Take that top off like I just couldn't take it no more. Did she do it? Fuck. Yeah, they all do it. I can't they all I wouldn't do it. Yes. No, I wouldn't you got banging titties like you when you have three or four lines in you Okay, somebody says those tits are tremendous. Maybe take a little peek at those things She dropped them put it back on And that was it. Oh, that was it. Oh, that's not the whole no The story gets deeper and deeper like the madonna stone He's pissed by the way. He's I'm just pissed. I mean, that's it deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper

You're giving me a suck by the way This story is making my trust issues with men so much worse because I can't believe you're girls in the hot tub and you're doing this I come back to the hot tub We hang out until about four but the chef had to go back to work at 6 30 in the morning And he kept saying that I gotta I can't slow that to four because I have to be at the restaurant at 6 30 So she was leaving and said I'll see you at 6 30 Just like that dog and she looked at me. She went like this They left

I fucking went back and my wife was stabbed and ate a monkey. She passed out I gave her one of those cosby pills I took a cosby pill. I went inside watched porn jerked off and at about 6 15 I marched down to a house. I was too fucked up to drive. I walked down there like a soldier I knocked on the door. She answered the door with a robe I showed her the rest of the bingle and I walked out of there at lunchtime with fucking Red cheeks and a fucking worn out helmet Shut up

You fucked your girl your wife. No not your wife yet. Then you jerked off. Then you went and fucked her No, no, no, then he took a walk because I took a walk to get the testosterone coming back about a mile walk I walked a mile leader I don't understand that. How are you gonna justify that to your wife? I was 21 years old. Well, he wasn't married yet No, it wasn't well. No, I was like the his car was there when he took a walk. That was a savage dog Jesus I walked back in that lunch. She was still sleeping. I went went to bed at 6 cooked up Oh, so she was asleep at lunch time. She wasn't my wife. She was my girlfriend. Let's get this shit. Then you married I was 21. Yeah, you weren't married. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you were kids. It's fine

Holy shit, I just do the walk but I walked down there. Listen. I know when you're 21 you get 19 hard Ones not the message to blow and she was beautiful. I mean just looking at her I love that that makes me answer the door with a fucking robot Yeah, I just walked in we started making. Did she know you were coming? Did you call her? No? I told her on the way out. I looked at him and he kept saying you winked I have to be at home. I have to be at paula fans at 6 30 in the morning So I looked and I go I see a 6 30 and she looked at me like this and I was like, oh shit This is easy. Well, I thought

This is at first and I really paranoid. I thought the boyfriend was gonna call me and say Did you tell her you were going to come over at 6 30? I just said see a 6 30 And that was the end. Damn But she made the best cheesecake you ever had in your fucking life. Oh well, then all right. That's what did it for you The cheesecake We went from fucking suffering and comedy Back to a filth story. Do you want me to do you want me to tell you my my bad vegas? No, not yet I'll save it. I don't want you to be depressed no more. Do you know? I'm actually okay. You've been here for 11 years

And you have to it goes up and down That it goes Jesus Christ. Listen. I got here from 98 to 2005. I was all steam ahead and then 2006 it kind of weirded out And then 2007 I got my name is Earl I did four episodes. They were gonna he liked me. Greg Garcia. He goes, you know what? I'm gonna we were only gonna do like 10 episodes in the jail We're gonna do all the second half of the year in the jail. So just show up every week I was gonna get like fucking 10 episodes on my name is Earl and especially during pilot season

You know what that's like people watch my name is always hot. Yeah, so people are watching you on tv during pilot season There's a fucking tv strike. Oh, I know I know and the economy went up. So here was the deal When the economy went belly up at that time I was living off residual checks It was 2007 the longest yard was still sending me big checks. Yeah, spider-man 2 was sending me fucking I was making a living on spider-man 2 and then all these little tv shows I was doing was sending me checks So they Kept the house alive Yeah, my $50 gigs with George Perez and Philippe's bars and Rudy Moreno

And Greg and Jeff Garcia those gigs were paying You know, if you hustled back then come on paid more. Yeah, you made 650 a week as a nobody Yeah, it's amazing every night those mexicans paid money. Everybody had a rule Monday night you picked up 40 bucks and you went to the ice a laugh factory and picked up 25 Then you went to the store for the 15, you know, and that all adds up You don't get you you get 40 that the check in 10 fucking days But at least you're working towards something and then Tuesday night We were going to Castle Latina and that paid 50

And then from there there was a guy who had a room in Whittier and that paid 75 So you picked up one in the fucking quarter on a Tuesday Wednesday. You could make It's like it's like living in New York now. It was a comic, you know, if you get in at those clubs You make 150 hours a night. Yeah, you're good. All those guys do. Are we all those guys go out every night? That's not in New York. That's like enough to live in someone's closet. Yeah, but still you're still making 150 200 You have to be out there every night Right and you and I both know that the day you take a vacation the day you fall in love and go is when you get All these singers. Yeah, all these female singers from fucking Gwen Stefani

To the fucking chick from the valley. Love fucks you up. Love. Look at them. They're all They can't sing no more. That's done. That's her and the other girl. My hub. My hub My hub my hub. What happened to her? Fergie Fergie done. Love. I'm telling you that that's it Done the dude was in Vegas tripping. I'm stupid. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? I have been like hung up on this fucking dude who's a piece of shit Meanwhile, I have a super duper hot guys that will fuck me whenever I want and are great in bed And I could totally just when I'm horny hit them up and fuck them and concentrate on my career That's where girls fuck up because we catch feelings and then we we pay attention to that dumb fuck instead of our career

That's it. You're so right. That's it. You know what? I wish there was there needs to be some kind of like pill that women can take that makes us like Act more like dudes like I want to be more like a guy. That's what I want. I'm already very guy-like, but I want more like I want guy feelings I Do want guy feelings. You guys are so lucky. You're so lucky. You if I was a guy. I would leave here tonight I'd hit up some super hot dude. I'd go fuck him mean girl. No Well, I'm saying if I was a guy personality, but like with my body and a vagina I would go fuck somebody and it'd be amazing and then I would just go home and not even think about until next time I was horny. That's what I want. That's what I want, but it's not that easy

I know, but that's what I want guys pay for their fucking sins too. Let me tell you what happens to guys, bro You know what's the movie boomerang? No, why would you I don't leave you? Oh wait the eddy murphy movie. Yeah, you watch boomerang Lee I don't believe so. Why would you why would you you're too busy? No, I think I watch it. I kind of congratulate you for watching narcos finally. Mama gave you the green light Um boomerang is a very interesting story If you're a guy like me, we've all grown up with guys that are very hot

And that are ladies men. They're fucking ladies men. Yeah, okay boomerang is that story boomerang is a story about a guy who's successful Good-looking has all the toys Invites women over for dinner cooks for them puts on black music. Then they you know, they think they're cool and I never got it I never got Guys how women didn't see certain things that I saw in guys that were flaws

So this guy that's all he does. He fucks four different women a night a week But then you meet your fucking one and that one Fucks these guys up dog when you get a guy at 30 and he's good-looking, but there's something not right Like he doesn't let you come to his house or yeah, something's not right Like the day you do get to his house. He's cool. He doesn't cheat on you But something's not right But he's really handsome and you know like trying to figure him out like what's going on. Yeah It's that somebody fucking electrified him

Because those guys I know so I said that's exactly that's exactly I had a friend I grew up with that got different pussy on demand Every night Spanish dude. Yeah pussy on demand He fell in love with his white chick that chick fucking fucked his world up. He walks around now. He's like on the walking I think that's it. I'm telling you. I know for a fact. That's it They bump into an electrocution in in boomerang any Murphy's character gets fucked up, but they threaten to fire him Like they threaten to fire him like it's a stupid movie or whatever. I'm gonna watch it But my point is it's a great fucking chris rock is great

uh, my point is that fucking It those guys play that They don't get burnt for a long time They live on top for a long time But then they bump into a girl that flips it on them And these guys They don't know what to do boys. Yeah, there was a quarterback That's it. They always been the quarterback and when they get flipped on they get flipped on

Like it's like fucking back. You you're married to Brad Pitt But you cheat on them with a guy like me like he can't sleep at night. What the fuck That's it. That's when that's what happens to those guys. You're right That's what happens to those guys. They get electrocuted early and they're fucking central nervous system Now you can't get them back. Listen. Let me be honest with you and it breaks my heart to say this very fortunate As a man, I see people who go sign up for groups

Like uh, what kind of singles groups and they go on vacations Like you know, you I just saw the ad about a month ago like a singles cruise or something Like a singles cruises or maybe like a singles resort. That sounds awful. Well, you go listen to me, but you have to think And and i'm not being an asshole here, but You have to think when you go to those things If somebody's fucking not married by the age of 40 Never been married never been married You have to look at those things and go wow

What happened? Like either no either they're retarded Or they really just have bad luck with women a couple weeks I was in the hotel and I was having dinner at the bar and it was sad as I was walking in A hundred people walked out. It was like I was the kiss of death But when I sat down I asked about to the what's going on because there was a wedding they were all going to a wedding Oh, thank god, so I'm eating by myself and this guy comes over cake quickly Good looking dude

35 athletic Um well off you could see that, you know, he was staying at the hotel. Yeah, this was a nice hotel I was there for a comedy club The suit was tailored, you know, the shoes were shined. He had his shit together. He was color coordinated to the max And he ordered a double There's a bartender said you hear i'm business. He goes no i'm here for the wedding And he goes you buy yourself And i'm eating and i'm watching whatever sporting event is on this poor bastard goes

I know i'm here by myself, but i'm Really hoping to meet somebody And my fucking heart that was me at brad's wedding as we got my heart broke because This guy has it all You know this guy from looking at him from looking at him. I'm looking at his shoes. I'm looking at his belt I'm looking at his fingernails I'm looking at his presentation just because Just after he said that I wanted to see what this guy was selling

Or if he was a yokel, I love that you analyze his fingernails as part of that. This is part of the patois Does he have Does he have cologne under the pick of shower? Right? No, yeah Is this guy is this guy fucking single because he smells like a goat's asshole. Yeah No, this guy was done up. He didn't have a tie-out. So he wasn't lying to anybody, which I also like He had the button opened instead of having a tie-out That means you're not looking at bullshit people. Okay, you know And then he had a done the double and he walked out

And I went upstairs to my room in the comic shows but that night I thought about that situation like I was a guy like that 35 38 is still single. He looked successful. He said he flew himself in like he flew in for the wedding And then the guy goes, is there anybody here? You know when he goes I think he grew up with the groom But he lives somewhere else now. So he didn't know any of these people. He was coming here blindsided But I could tell in the toner's voice That this was a big thing for him like he was hoping

To meet someone at the wedding somebody at the wedding. Oh god, and it broke my heart. I was like I was always very lucky, you know, I always found some fucking poor Woman that would fall for my shit. I never do I never have a date to this shit. You know, I went to bra Williams wedding last weekend I had no date and what's crazy is you fuck 10 different dudes. How the fuck you call one of them and go I don't fuck a bunch of guys. You know the problem. You know what? I realized the problem is the guys Like this dude I've been hanging out with I thought we're dating we go out we go on dates We're out in public. We make out in public. I mean

Like to me that's dating, right? But then He was like he actually said to me he goes. Well, if I go to something like that with you, you know Then like everyone's gonna think we're a couple and I was like, who fucking cares Guys don't want to be seen with me. You know what it is guys are embarrassed of me. I think that's the problem because of Because of my social media Because it's not facebook official. I don't know. Is it social media? Is it because you're fucking crazy? I am crazy joey. I am crazy. But wait, I'm crazy, but I'm only crazy. Here's the problem. Okay This is really the problem

I fall for the same type of guy all the time and this is it It's guys that are really sweet and perfect and put on like the best show for like Three months just long enough to make me think they're awesome And I'm like I finally found a good one and then the minute I cave and I'm like, okay, you know what? I really like you too. Then they fucking Like pull back and ghost out or barely text me or stop taking me out or just let them go all the way You let them take pictures of your pussy and fucking the asshole. No, I stopped letting you back No, I stopped letting guys fuck me in the butt because of you. You're welcome

Yeah, once they fucking the ass, I'm not gonna call you back the flowers that I don't do it anymore because you told me They won't take me to dinner and then you were right. So now I don't let guys do that and let's work together That's so fucked up. That's like my promise ring. My butthole is my promise ring So you think of joey every time some guy asks you You gotta block that muffler once you give it away. You're done unless you move in that he's paying rent for a few months And yes, you got the car payment going. I even said it to a guy said joey ds told me if I let you You'll never take me to dinner again. I said that to him He cursed you but he he didn't do it. No, he knows they giggle too because they know

Listen once they fucking the ass and they turn you around and they jizz in your mouth Why are they gonna take you to dinner? Maybe that's the problem Maybe I'm too flirty because when I like a guy, I do I send him like hot photos and I'm very sexual. I can't help it I'm in my 30s. I'm so horny. You're crazy. I don't fuck a lot though But I'm horny women were horny so I I can't help it like if I'm dating guy wanted to fuck me a lot I think it's too much for guys I just I'm I'm freaked out that you had no problem with the doing anal and having you flipped around and coming your mouth You just blew it way past that you look at that happens. Who gives a fuck? That's another day

That's another day at the office. It depends how it depends how clean I knew I was I take good care. I'm very clean Listen the hot ones always take care of the engine. You know what I'm saying? That's how you know if I think I'm gonna have sex. I don't even eat that if somebody tells you that that's a good piece of When somebody's a good piece of ass they really take care of that monkey Get away to go away with no nothing. You know what I'm saying? I'm obsessive because my one thing I know I have to offer this probably shows how low my self-esteem is Is that I know I'm really good in bed

So and I keep my shit clean and like everything is you know, I know a guy is gonna want to come back So that's the one thing I that's like my trap Do you have like a pep talk before you go out or something? Yeah, I I stand on a mirror and I give my vagina a pep talk. I think it's time for Tony Bennett I'm crazy I Want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart

Some somebody twice as smart, what are you gonna do? It's monday cocksuckets Why be depressed Or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company See Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits

Let's see if the puzzle fits So fine And That's when I'll discover What's up, Lisa? Yeah, you're looking good. You bad motherfucker. Let me give some shout outs I want to give a shout out to my brother, uh, bobblingus We got a box from him. Yeah, I got something for you at the house. Thank you very much, sir Sweetheart of a guy bob bob, you know, I think about you a lot. I think about your dad

I think about what your head is at and I hope you're doing well and you know, I love you Thank you always Joey Rookland Andy Forbes My man over there in Tampa holding it down to be of the wisdom Brian O'Shea Ross dude who gave us some tremendous weed Fucking family to the church

David macca a bad motherfucker and indy Goona, I love you cocksucker Don't forget this saturday me and fucking kate at the cherry key casino And then in two weeks 9 27 or something like that the pittsburgh motherfucking improv I'm coming in heavy because I'm not doing filly this year. So I gotta do pittsburgh and the other side All right, so what the fuck happened to you in vegas Oh my god, all right I really really want to name the name of who this is with but I'll tell the story and people will probably figure it out

By the way, this has never happened to me before so it's not like I do this all the time. No, okay, never So i'm in vegas. I'm doing the lab factory and I was there for a whole week so I have a friend in town Who is more like an acquaintance a guy who hung out with a few times who's performing in one of the shows in town this guy is The hottest. I mean, he's a very famous very hot guy actor

Model type like he would be like hallie berry if you were a chick, okay? So we've always had a flirtation But I never hooked up with him because I had a crush on one of his friends So I didn't want to ruin my chances with the friend So whenever we would hang out I would kind of blow him off So after my show at the lab factory my girlfriend really wanted to meet him So I go, okay, I'll take you down to his show But you have to promise no matter how drunk I get

Don't let me leave with him because I can't fuck him no matter what happens and she's like, okay, I got you So we go to the show girls are terrible No, not really. I'm trying to be safe. I like his friend, right? so we go to the show and um I have two drinks at the show. That's it But it was like 112 degrees in vegas and I've been at the pool all day I must have been dehydrated because I had two drinks and I was Fucked up like I was so buzzed

And then this guy comes out on stage As part of the show and he takes a shower on stage. He takes off his clothes And his butt is facing the audience and he like lathers up with soap and the women are going crazy and I'm watching and I'm like I might I leaned over to her. I go. I might I might have to fuck him. I might change my mind You might have to let me go. She's like, no, I'm not letting you go no matter what So then after the show we go to meet up with him I have a third drink Now I'm like wasted

And I said to her if you don't let me go home with him. We're not friends anymore She she was like, okay, but I think you're gonna regret this tomorrow. You're really drunk And I was like, it's fine. You know, I'm single. Fuck it. Who cares? Like if you had a chance to fuck Halle Berry, you would fuck Halle Berry, right? Okay So I go with him. He's not staying in a hotel. They put him up in a condo there This is important because there's no maid service at his place. So we go back to his place We get inside

We fuck on the balcony. It's so hot. We're like overlooking the strip We can like see there's people in a pool like a few floors down It's super hot. I'm so buzzed that I'm like getting off like three or four times right away like that fast Then he fucked me again. This guy's in his 40s So he came once then he got another condom. Then he fucked me again Then after the second time he's like, I'm gonna hop in the shower and we're gonna go for round three So I'm like, great. So he hops in the shower all of a sudden

I start to realize how drunk I am You know when you're like in a club and you're drunk and then you go to the bathroom And and you don't realize how drunk you are till you're in the quiet and like the room starts spinning So the room starts spinning So like I haven't gotten so drunk that I threw up since college. All of a sudden I feel like I'm in a puke And I didn't know what to do because I don't want to puke in this guy's apartment Like he's the hottest guy ever

So I start running for his kitchen like I'm like, maybe I can puke before he comes back out and he won't know I start running for his kitchen before I can get there like right by the bathroom I start puking all over the floor of his condo everywhere And then I didn't know what to do. So I turn left and run in the bathroom He's in the shower And I just start throwing up all over his bathroom floor like imagine you're in the shower and the girl you just Fuck just runs into your bathroom naked puking You don't know it's coming and he starts yelling at me. He's like, what the fuck are you doing?

What you're puking everywhere. I'm like, I'm so sorry and I'm saying it and I'm like projectile vomiting and I ate salad So I puked salad greens like lettuce all over his bathroom floor his shoes his clothes By the way, I think they're like $5,000 shoes. I puked in his shoes. He's like Fucking puke in my toilet. What the fuck? I'm like, I couldn't get there I'm trying to talk and I'm throwing up at the same time. It's so bad and then I puked in his sink I filled up the sink it clogged the sink then I start running for the toilet and then he goes This is why I don't fuck white women because he's a black guy So then I'm in the toilet and I'm puking and I start crying because I'm embarrassed

And then I was like, I know you don't know me that well, but I swear I haven't done this in like 10 years Like I haven't been this drunk in so long. I only had three drinks like I'm trying to explain And he was like, oh Fuck they ain't coming to queen for a week. He's like fuck. He starts grabbing towels. He's called there's joey This is embarrassing, but there's like lettuce from my salad How much salad did you eat? I ate a big kale salad, right a huge salad There's salad greens the whole bathroom is white on the walls on Just everywhere and he doesn't even know yet that it's in the apartment too. He hasn't gone out yet

So he's like getting my shower. So he shoves me in the shower. I'm naked I puked In his shower. He turns on the water. So now there's cold water on me And I'm like, I'm so cold just I go make the water warm and just give me a blanket So he goes, I don't have any towels left. I used all the towels to clean up. So he gave me a hand towel So I passed out on his shower floor Naked with just a little hand towel with puke in my hair puke everywhere on the floor This is can you imagine like this guy was watching me passed out gross and then it gets worse

Did you put this on instagram? Fuck no, I was so nervous when I woke up. I was like, what if he photographed me because here's the thing Then I guess in my sleep. I was making noise because I was in pain I think I had alcohol poisoning for real So I was moaning in my sleep and I was like dry heaving and then I started hearing banging It's like 3 30 in the morning and it woke me up and I was like, is there a construction? He goes security is at my door shut up. Don't make any sound I was like just open the door and tell him I'm I'm sick. He's like

I have a naked white woman passed out on my bathroom floor. I am not fucking opening This was like right after the r kelly shit happened. He was like, I'm not opening the door So he wouldn't open the door security's there for like an hour banging on the door Because they could hear me moaning. I was moaning. I was like, oh, I was like dry heaving joey for like two hours I was so humiliated and I kept apologizing. I kept telling him Yeah, you don't know me, but I haven't done this since college. I've only met this guy like four or five times so then I finally fall asleep. I sleep quietly till 4 35 a.m. I wake up

I stumble out this poor guy is cleaning my puke still I stumble out and by the way, all my friends are like, he's such a dick. I'm like, no, he's not I would be pissed too I'm not even mad at him, but I stumble out I'm like, hey, can I get like a t-shirt? I'll just sleep on the couch He was like, fuck that you leave it. He's like you're not staying over and I was like I don't want to put my clothes back on. I was wearing like a skirt and like I don't want to get redressed. He goes Where's your phone? I'm like, why? He's like, I'm calling you an uber. I'm like, why don't you call it on your phone?

He's like, I am paying for your uber. He wouldn't even pay for my uber So he took my phone He called me an uber And then I went to put my heels on he's like, don't put your heels on I don't want the neighbors to hear you like he didn't want anyone to see me He was like so embarrassed to have me in his place. So I had to walk out puke in my hair Walk down the hallway carrying my shoes. You want to talk walk of shame?

Walk downstairs call a fucking uber And then go back to my to my room and walk through the lobby of the tropicana like this like and go up to my room And then the next day I texted him. We were supposed to go shooting. We were gonna go shoot gun shooting the next day I texted him. I go, I'm so sorry about last night. I swear it's never happened to me before But um, I'll pay for a maid to come clean up your place. You know, he just wrote back. I'm good. Have a nice life And then you understand This is the hottest guy I've ever fucked one two He could have been an ongoing like great booty calls. It's like he could have been the booty call

He was so good. We had chemistry. It was great. I don't like him really You know what I mean? Like he could have been like my ongoing situation that I have no feelings for And I ruined it. I puked everywhere. You need to be more than just kill next time. Let me ask you something I want a guy puking in your fucking house No, but it's not my usual routine But if they puked and it's something else, I never had a guy puke in my house But to be fair, I've never puked at another guy's house Once I did puke in a car, but that was when I was 22

The last time I puked I was 22 But the reason I told this story is just because even though it's so embarrassing It's so funny because it couldn't have been worse. It couldn't have been a worse person Well, it could have been worse How have you puked on him during sex? You know, it's funny people say that but I feel like then at least he would have been like, well Like if I would have you know, what did he fuck do you like into sickness or something? No, I don't know like at least if it was in the height of the moment

I could have some excuse maybe I could say like, you know, you're I don't know I took on his dick or he was I just came so hard I don't know But I mean like I still feel bad and I hope he hears this and I just want to say I'm sorry. I really feel bad This is why I don't fuck white women He said this why I don't and then also but here's the more interesting thing More the friend who introduced me to him that I have the little like crush on which probably now we'll find out about this um

He said like if the guy's name was jack. He said this is the jack curse Meaning like this has happened before with other women that this guy has introduced him to like apparently he has like Uh, like a number of women that this guy introduced him to that ended up pulling some crazy shit on him But so I just I'm I'm sad. Do you think that I can fix it though? Do you think there's any chance like honestly? No, okay No, no it does puke kind of ends Especially if it's not like into the relationship Let's pretend that I knew you for a while

No, because I had a friend that I was friends with in boulder And we had had like a little fling cocaine fling one night in boulder And then two or three years later I went to Miami to do the coconut grove emperor and she called me. She was I living for a long time now Do you want to get together like the man come down and we got a package and went back to the condo And we did some disgusting things And then there was one point where I was just watching the news. I was coming down from coke

And she got sick How but like did she just puke in the toilet or did she puke everywhere? She puke kind of everywhere because she tried to go for the balcony Oh, she was gonna puke off the balcony. Yeah You know See I'm coming away worse. You gotta do what you gotta do. I would have puked off the balcony What if you hit someone you're gonna hit someone I would dry heave off that balcony in Miami tons of times You did I was a dry heaver. That's why I don't drink. That's what I did. We'll see. I'm a dry listen when you wake up from a hangover There's an acid in your stomach not to mention you did blow

Or you ate some fucking pills So that shits in your stomach. So the first thing you do is you drink some fucking iced tea Right Why I don't know something with lemons in it something to get that I said need down something And then you go outside and you stick your finger down your fucking throat I can't do that. I'd puke every piece of alcohol out of my fucking system. You could feel the hangover I don't do this headache sooth. Really? What's that shit get out of my system? I just work out. I swatted out that white foam That white foam comes out then you're done now. You're ready for something greasy

To synthesize the fucking cells you can put you can put the finger down your throat I love that you picked lemon as the most non acidic like that's the most acidic I don't even know what I'm talking about But this will work for me. Well, I can't make myself puke if I could I would have That was the only way I could get rid of that hangover Really is by sticking my finger down my throat and puking out that That shit from the beer would have fuck I was drinking the night before but here's the thing You know me. I mean I have two three drinks all the time

I never have more than three but I have two or three all the time and I never throw up I'm very I'm a very controlled. Lee. What's the first thing I tell you before when I call you at 5 30 every night before a podcast Eat something because we're gonna go deep Yeah, but three drinks Doesn't matter. You don't know how it's gonna hit you was kale. You never know how it's gonna hit you He gave you he gave you a dose of good dick You know I'm saying he rocked that little clip. He threw you equilibrium. That's a bummer. He was so good Back and forth so he fucked up your equilibrium and the next thing you know you got sick

And he wasn't lazy. That's the thing like you know I don't like to hook up with famous people because they're usually lazy and bad because they get so many women They don't have to try. He wasn't lazy. It's such a bummer. I ruined it. I'm gonna try You know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna try to find a way to weasel my way back into that situation as just a part He's gonna make you do something you don't want to do like he's gonna make you blow one of his friends or something during I'm not gonna do that. All right, then I don't think you would do that. I'm sure he would we'll see All right, just sounds like you're gonna stalk him. I'm just like end up outside of his tone

No, I wouldn't actually that's so I'm crazy, but I'm the only crazy. I am is texting. I'm not crazy in any other way I don't show up at guys houses. I don't fucking I don't do I don't stalk social media, but I do I'm a crazy I'll send like I like 50 texts and I honestly do like I mean I joke about it on stage, right? I really do Like my mood changes and then I change directions, but I don't wait for them to respond So I look completely schizophrenic. Let me ask something If you were a guy, would you date you? Like you don't need to tell you yes, yes, but here's the thing. Why would you date you you text all fucking day?

No, no, no, I don't text fucking Joey, I don't text all day Here's the thing if if a guy this is the problem if a guy that I'm really into is into me back I just relax and I have fun with it the minute I trust him I'm so chill the problem is the guys that are really into me that will give me what I want I never want them. You know, I spent the day yesterday with Don't say no, no, no, I won't say who I spent the day yesterday with a really wealthy

successful hot guy who has an amazing house and likes me so much That he paid my personal trainer to come to his house and train us together And then he made me breakfast And then we hung out all day two days in a row and he's so respectful. I barely text him I never give him any shit Because I'm not as into him But the guys that like don't want me Are the ones that I fucking like lose my shit over that's the game. I know but I don't want to play the game

Why can't they just write me back that's the level of the game they're taking you to I don't want that game Girls do the same thing. It's like you're putting quarters in the machine. I don't want the game But the problem is I play the game well till I like them and then once I actually realize I like them then I lose I It's all about the sex though. If the sex is amazing. I get caught up I'm what do you expect? But the sex is only amazing when they're nuts even if they're ugly you reap what you sow, you know what I'm saying I mean listen in 1998 99 Damon Wayans always come into the comedy store at night

I don't know if you know this damon is really funny. Yeah, and he would come in at night. He used to have this bit about How come crazy women always got the best pussy? What is that? I don't think it's that we I say we I call myself crazy. You are crazy. I don't think it's that doesn't matter I think that's what I like about I think it's crazy on crazy It's not a crazy person alone because if I fuck a guy that's normal The sex isn't that good. It's when the crazy meets up with another crazy It's that volatility. That's what makes it hot. I was fighting all day with a guy And then we were fighting for like we were fighting for like three hours

And then I sat at the end of the fight after I was like we should be friends. This is all on text Yeah, I because he won't talk on the phone, but I after like three hours. I was like After me being like we should be friends. You're a piece of shit. I'm so tired of you. Fuck yourself after all that I was like Did this fight make you want to fuck really bad because I really want to come over and fuck tonight Like literally like the fighting makes me want to fuck. That's the problem The fighting makes me I love the fighting the angry you have no idea. Are there more women like you? Are you normal? Oh, no, I had a girl. This is the same thing. I think that this is normal Oh, my god, this is normal for many women. That's why women create drama. It's a pattern

Yeah, no, but I'm trying to change it. I'm seeing the laugh factory therapist Oh, are you the one on monday nights for 22 50? She's free It's free So that feels like a bot like a twitter bio line. I'm seeing the laugh factory I really am. I'm trying to get healthy She can't prescribe though, so she's not that great Kind of a bummer But I'm trying to get better. I want to start liking sane people. I just have to figure out how

It's the sums for my childhood. It's gonna be fine reprogramming yourself. I'm trying I'm gonna give more attention to the guy that paid the trainer and and you know That's it. I feel like you like oh I'm gonna I'm gonna lower my standards to the millionaire with the big you love being the loser magnet It's not they're not losers though Fucking winners either. They're not doing that with you. So They're losers. I mean You have to sit there and be real as a woman go. Why am I attracting these fucking losers?

But the thing is they're not losers like like like this dude. He does take me out He takes me out. So it's not like it's just a booty call, you know, and he does like text me and stuff. He just He won't give me the intimacy that I want like he won't let me sleep over He kicked me out at 3 a.m That's why we were fighting. She made me leave at 3 a.m Isn't that the opening to bridesmaids? He kicked me out at 3 a.m. And I was like, why can't I just stay and then we'll have sex in the morning Then I'll leave at like eight and he was like, I just don't want you to think that we're a couple

I was like, I don't think we're a couple. I'm just tired and he's like you live a mile away drive home He made me leave And that's the problem. I want the guys that kicked me out at 3 a.m It's gonna be fine. Do you still like a water or something on your way out? That's what I would do If someone died to get pissed off. Yeah, I took I took on my water or something a very interesting life out here You really do It's not really eventually you have to choose between the crazy life and

These fucking chicks are the leaving here with a hundred million dollars Well, this is the thing and then you can fuck everybody you want You can jump up and down you get chlamydia give chlamydia, but that's the thing I can already fuck anybody I want I want more than that, but I don't want I don't want a marriage. I just want a little I want to be able to spend the night That's it. That's not that much. I want to come over after my set We get take out we fuck I spend the night we fuck I leave we flirty tax. That's it You're gonna get a lot of applications after this problem. You would just stick with him that one guy I mean, honestly, if the sex is awesome and I like somebody I don't feel the need

I'm not like a dude. I don't feel the need to like hook up with a bunch of guys But if that's what the guy needs, you know, and I happen to meet a like Male supermodel in vegas. Maybe an occasional hookup. Maybe but I don't look for it Okay, you was thinking you were talking about being a woman and having a man's perspective Yeah, okay. I used to have this friend Hot hot hot little piece of ass for years. I can never figure it out, but it wasn't my business to figure it out She was a dear friend of a dear friends But I was watching one night

Watching her like just watching her and then She would travel with my buddy from time to time And I would try to figure out what her deal was And one day I went to a comedy club And one of the comics is talking to me about two weeks ago There were these people here and they were talking about him He told me the comic's name and I go who else and he goes that bird And I go, how was she man? Was she good and calm? He goes, yeah

He goes, but it was crazy on the last night Before she left she picked like some fucking random guy And she just went off Like ass pussy coming my face Time me up choked me the whole thing on my jaw dropped. She was saying that there at the At the no, she wasn't saying nothing How did they know about it because this guy was telling me the story the first time I heard I'm like, I don't think so

I think this is just a young comic talking shit But throughout the years I heard more and more Horrible stories about this broad How You know on the last night or the night before the last night She was just gonna victim From the bar take them home

Give them a good piece of pussy and then leave town the next day And then she would give them fake numbers and the whole thing But all these guys that were telling me these stories. Yeah had the same thing in common What she never came back to the club And she never speak to us again. We saw her years later at this place. No way. So they're all just one This thing And years later I became friends of the girl and take whatever But that was her thing

I couldn't do that. She would go to a town and she was very discreet Like I went to a town one time and they told me a story that after the show She went to this club and had a threesome And that she made something happen that she made the guy I don't know. I don't know the whole story something weird. I don't know the whole story, but It was a weird little secret she had but that was her thing That's how she got off She her getting off was going to a town

picking a victim Taking them back to a hotel fucking them and then disconnecting with him completely. I can't do that. I wish I could never talk to no person again Making sure no, but this is not you can't do this here because they know you're a comic and they'll hunt you down I can't do it anymore. You'd have to do it if you traveled. I wouldn't do the most discreet guy at the hotel This club don't go meet me in the room take him to the room tie him up put ice cubes in his asshole The whole she was that type of savage The problem is I don't know that's thinking like a man. I know she didn't give a fuck But like I wonder I guess for her like the turn on was like

Getting off on the power of like seducing these guys, but for me I don't i'm not as into it unless I like the guy mine Like you won't believe me like my number is really low Even though I have these like I do have these crazy stories and I tell them all But my number is still like I counted the other day because a guy accused me of he's like how many guys do you Fuck and I so I went home and I can still remember them all it's only like it's in the 20s. It's low It's so low. I swear to god 20s is last month No, I swear to god because I was married for 10 years. So I've only been single five years

It's only like been five or six guys a year It's not that many because when I find one I really like fucking I kind of I want to keep looking But I just I can't help it. I hit up the same guy when it's really good and I don't I have to kind of like him even I've only had two one night stands Only two guys I've hooked up with once and they weren't even really one night stands because both guys kept texting me For a long time after it just happened. They didn't live in my

Area, so we didn't hang out again the same fucking thing as they brought Yeah, but I'm just saying like it's so rare for me to meet a guy And be like I want to fuck you right now and then do it like I just I don't know I don't know if it's because I'm paranoid or if I have to feel I have to trust him let him in my room alone. I don't know but I don't do it very much I really can't Is that weird? God bless you man. A lot of kinky shit happens a lot of crazy fucking shit, but I love kinky dirty shit

Oh, yeah, but that's after you know the guy. That's it. That's it after you know the guy like a few That's it Even the couples I've had threesomes with I have to kick it with them a few times Before I'll have like I've never met a couple and just had a threesome like on the spot like I can't do it I have to like them both. What do you do with them before the threesome? Well, like there was a couple in vegas that came to see me perform in vegas. Are they still following you? um The guy actually they broke up

And then the guy had the fucking nerve to show up at a show one night and like flirt with me and I shut that Shit down. I'm a girl's girl. I was like fuck that. He has me going on a vacation with him I was like, are you out of your mind? I would never I'm not even like that good a friend to the girl But I still wouldn't do that. They broke up because of it. Yeah, yeah Well, they broke up I think if you have a lot of the thing is they were having threesomes and the guy was like stepping out on the side That's a thing if you're having if you have a hot chick letting you have threesomes And you're still trying to cheat like you have a serious issue. I think this girl's hot

But anyway, I we hung out a few times, you know, they came to a show we had dinner Then another time we had dinner and drinks I literally it was almost like I went on like three or four dates with them before I'd say It was like I was dating one person, but I was dating a couple. I couldn't do it the first time How would you guys sit at dinner? Like what they said on one side together. Um, I go chapel on sundays. What's his name the guy in the And on narco on sunday. He was married to three different wives. That was amazing Actually, it was usually the girl was on my side because it's always in that scenario

The girl's trying to make you more comfortable, you know, because if the guy does it, it's creepy So it's always the girl. I've never had one so I've no I don't know Okay, quickly. Who are your personal heroes? heroes This is gonna sound so cheesy, but like my mom is like my hugus era I mean that sounds so dumb, but my mom was single I think that's the way I'm with guys too. Like my mom was single and my mom would never take help It's like we lived in a pretty expensive neighborhood and my parents split up when I was in fourth grade

My dad made a lot of money But when they split up, he just quit his job like overnight. He was like, I don't want to do this I'm not paying child support. So he quit So my mom suddenly picked up three jobs to keep us in the same school district and like doing all the shit we were doing So she never slept. It's crazy. I never felt like a poor kid. Even though we were I took every class I took like karate played soccer as a dancer. I did all this stuff My mom would sleep in the car and then she worked nights and then she worked days And she wouldn't take help

I think that's actually in some ways like I remember one time we had a grocery store a guy in line behind us My mom's card got declined and this guy tried to pay for our groceries And my mom would not let the guy pay And then finally she took his Address he paid with cash and then she took him cash the next day and dropped it off But I think because of that it's made me in some ways like I have a hard time taking help So sometimes even when I should ask for help like I'll have people offer and I'm like, I can't it's the way I was brought up But my mom is like my hugest hero

But there's other people like this is a cheesy one too. But you know who I love m&m the rapper because I just I love that he like Was someone who shouldn't have made it like a white kid and he's rapping and then everybody talks shit And everybody was like you can't do what you're doing and instead of trying to pander and fit in He was like fuck everyone and did it his own way and still became like the hugest star So I think that that's the problems I have a hard time in life and in business with listening to too many outside voices

people's opinions And when I trust my own gut is when I go the farthest Like that in a bikini shit used to call me about when I used to do those in a bikini photos, which I kind of stopped doing But I took so much shit for doing those photos like people Comics hated that I was doing those photos and I remember you calling me you and sam trippley Or like the two guys you calling me and saying like oh me and my wife think those are so funny Yeah, and sam trippley it was like that shit is hilarious and people that hate on it are like jealous Just ignore it and keep doing it hilarious

But I almost like I literally almost changed my whole image because of what I would hear other people say and it was so hard for me to like Ignore the outside noise, but I think that that's I love anyone that ignores outside Like I love jone rivers Like I love anyone that like just ignores all the shit people say and are like this is who I am if you don't like it Fuck off basically and I'm trying to get more like that Relationally, I'm gonna be my next question. Who is your female? Hero I love jone rivers because I see what you're doing and it's very interesting You know like you said earlier

we were discussing the Situation in your career the humps in the bumps, you know, yeah But that's one thing about you that you're always and there's times I look at pictures that you post and I'm like what the fuck is she doing I know you call me and on the back of my mom. I'm like just keeping her fucking career life. She's trying to do anything To stay that's what social media is for See that's what we have the advantage of you get on the show tomorrow You know an abc show modern family When the show ends

You're still gonna retain the people who watch that show because you're gonna communicate with them It's not like now that people don't talk to kramer or whatever the fuck, you know, now it's different We live in such a different social climate So true that you can retain these people and do comedy and they'll still come to your shows Sometimes I do mess up. I mean the thing with social media that that I do is I used to be really smart about brand imaging Like I have a marketing background So I think that's why I had good luck on social media because I see I see how you have to brand yourself even when you're an artist

You have to still create like a brand image for yourself like you do, you know But the thing is sometimes I'll have moments where I'm just in the mood or I'm not gonna lie Like sometimes as a girl there's moments. You're like, I just want some attention or Or I think something will be really funny and I want to push a boundary Like when I did that video me peeing on the tennis court where I showed my whole ass I thought that was so fucking funny and I knew people were going to talk shit But then I was like this is one going to get a million views two people are going to talk shit, which is fine three It's funny to me

So I fucking did it And you know a lot of people did text me and say like red band even text me and goes Are you doing porn now? What the fuck like he didn't like it but krisher like reposted it and liked it and like the thing is it's just Who knows this town's a crap shoot you throw a bunch of shit against the wall and you see what sticks and there's times that I think maybe I go too far I literally did lose an audition recently for a show I wanted to audition for because they were like your image isn't right for this network

So I mean I have fucked up in some ways But then I go I'm being myself like you can only no keep doing what you're doing People not gonna agree what you're doing and you know what you can't hate on them for that. That's just not what they're looking for I'm over all that shit now. I've been over it for years. It's nothing you could do. That's why I told you That if you're not getting the auditions you want and stuff You really have to get the breakdowns for six months that will

Make you go to the doctor and get xatics When you're an actor, yeah, when you're an actor and you get the breakdowns I almost don't want to see it. Let me explain some to you. This is the system you get up out of bed you pee You either jump in the shower or you brush your teeth You drink a cup of coffee you smoke some pot And the first thing you do is go on the computer and print up the breakdowns. Yeah, that's about a hundred pages

And they have commercials. Yeah, you don't want to go through that I used to go through them all years ago through the films And you go through film and tv and you make notes And you call your agent and you leave messages for your manager And they start telling you stories about how that nobody's answering the phone on this It personally says on the breakdown This starts shooting next Friday, right? But then I'll answer them the fucking phone, you know, yeah

And then finally your agent will call you when they go my map project you want to go in out They had fucking, uh, you know Pamela Henderson for it. Yeah, but they didn't say that on there You know, so you learn a lot about casting true from that perspective You find out that that role that you should have there was a timely In two towns when I did Joey karate I got a call from this producer that they like listen, bro We're going to fx. We got this show called the fat man show The fat man the fat man show

We're trying to pay you another fat dude And then you're gonna go to restaurants. You're gonna do this. You're gonna do that. You're gonna do this You're gonna do that. It's gonna be tremendous. We're gonna shoot a pilot march. It was like december This guy jerked me off To a week before the pilot shoot. I was furious and almost jumped off a fucking building I wanted that fat show. Yeah They ended up using a kid from the i o And some other fucking comic that wasn't even on the road

They shot a pilot and I fx didn't pick it up. So I didn't lose no fucking Didn't matter didn't matter by the way, don't you like love though the gruffness of hollywood how they call you and go Like nowhere else would someone call you and go Hey, we have this show called the fat man show. We think you'd be a great fat guy. I chased them I chased them when I saw that they were doing it. You're like this is perfect. I chased them. Yeah I wanted something that shot a gower. Right. I want to shoot something a gower. It's easy But it's so funny the way they talk like when I got my playboy tv show they said to me I will never forget my first production meeting. I swear to god

They said kate, you know why we love you so much for the show like You're cute But you're not threatening like you're not the kind of girl that other women are like Oh, shit. My husband will leave me for her like you're just you know your average But you're like a little above average like literally they were and I was like, you know, I'm here and I could hear this Right, but I mean that's in hollywood like they almost forget that you're a person and they're like You're basically just you're a shell and they'll be like, you know, what's great about you're not you're like you're real looking Like your roots are shitty like your skin isn't perfect like you could use a little work like that's how they literally talk to you

I think it's hilarious, but I also like it because You know, it keeps me insecure which I need I've worked on a couple tv shows and I've been in the room when they're shooting the live portion of it for various tv shows And the director will move the audience around He'll be like look that woman has messed up fingernails move her out of the shot bring someone else in And they'll move people around they'll have them like move just based on where whoever looks the best That's what's crazy when I did that paid audience work It literally they would come through the line

And they would choose the most attractive people to sit in the front and they would get paid the most So you would be like you're getting paid between 65 and 85 depending on where you say and then they would kind of so you know You're like, oh, I'm getting paid based on how I look so you'd have to show up I mean, I had a gig when I first came out here. I used to be a promo girl. I was like a dodgers girl Um, I shot a poster for the anaheim ducks I used to do all these sporting events and I'll never forget I came to work one day Wearing like not that much makeup like less than I have on now and my boss goes What's going on with your face?

I was like, what do you what do you mean? And she was like You didn't feel like putting makeup on and I was like, I didn't think it was a big deal as a dodger game She was like go home I got sent home for not wearing enough makeup like la is brutal Chicago that should never happen. You just show up and you're like not fat and they're like good work. You're cute Like that's it So you busted your hump here for the last 11 years

Oh, dude, I I mean like I've never had a job Where I had to clock in and out. I've always been freelance. So like I grew up since I was 19 So that's the thing is I'm at least I was always used to hustling for money When I was in high school, I dropped out of high school I think I told you that when I was 17 and I got an apartment and I got a job waiting tables Which is its own hustle because you make as much as you know, you flirt Like your tips are based on how nice you are to people and then college I started doing promo gigs So I always gigged and then I MC'd events

So like I knew how to hustle which is I think why when I started doing Stand up. I mean took to it entertainment is the same. It's how you treat people It's how professional you are and even though like Comics artists we get a little freelance because we're a little nuts But at the end of the day if you show up on time in your professional You're gonna stand out. There's a lot of people that like get so fucked up You know, I've seen guys go on stage hammered and not make it through a set I mean the so there is some element of like

It's the same as any freelance job in a way and then you just have to also be creative I give you kudos. I give you kudos because I know how tough this to be a comic. I know how tough this to be a female comic And there's a certain attitude you have to Have to swim your way Through the sharks if you're gonna be a woman not let it get to here not take the bullshit And you do well you're out there every night. I see that you're at the store. You're at j davis's room Well, everybody else is crying. See that was my thing

I always thought while everybody else is crying. I was doing something And even if I did a room and it paid me 20 I was still on stage It was gonna make me that much better. I always didn't look at money For years. I never looked at money. Well, you can't at the beginning getting on stage I didn't give a fuck what you gave me when they gave you those three drink tickets and a free dinner. Oh my god You're so happy. You're so fucking happy. I was joking at the ice house last night I was like, I'm gonna sell these drink tickets to the homeless guys outside no

Guys, you have no idea when you first start comedy And you're flat broke and somebody gives you three drink tickets and you have like seven dollars in your pocket People don't get it and you could tip the bartender now And sometimes you get six free drinks instead of three And you tip the bartender seven bucks And it's fucking tremendous. I mean, it's always works out. I had six drinks. I would die by the way, but yeah Fuck that if I was doing powder, I could do six drinks in fucking 10 minutes But that's the thing though is I think in some ways the problem for me is I love stand-up

And I I I just love stand-up like I could be happy just doing stand-up. I like acting a lot I enjoy it. That's what I went to school. Would you go out every week? What and do stand-up on the well, that's the thing I would do weekends like if like I would love to just do thursday friday saturdays I I'm not a big fan of what I've been doing, which is like the wednesday to sunday That's just so much many nights and it's like it's a little brutal. It's lonely I've been lucky because I've been taking red band and like taking friends jack jr but

I mean the the problem is I love stand-up Which is why I let the acting side the tv side suffer a little because I don't work as hard as I should Honestly at getting on tv because I just love stand-up and I don't care about being famous Like it's great when someone comes up to me like it just happened to me, which by the way, thank you for this I was on a date in Santa Monica And a waiter who's waiting on me and my date came up to the table and said kate Oh my god, I love you on the church. I watched joey ds. I love you

He goes dude, that's that's story about you shitting your pants was so funny I'm literally on a date with this guy who knows nothing about comedy, which is what I wanted to go out with him and I go Um, I don't I'm not sure what story that is but thank you. Thank you And he goes, you know the one where you said you took the anxiety medicine You shit your pants right before you went on stage at that like he literally started explaining it to me I was like That's so sweet. Thank you so much And then he walked away and then I had to tell the story to the guy I was out with by the way

We never went out again, but that's was like But I love when someone recognizes me for like my work But like I have no desire whatsoever to be like out at the mall and have people know who I am So I don't really pursue The acting stuff as much as I need to because you do need to you know because you got to have both You got to have the tv credits, but I just like doing stand-up. I'm just happy that you're around I'm happy that your hostel as much as listen if you didn't hustle And if you were just going around fucking begging for chops you wouldn't be on this show. Thank you

I applaud that uh That you're out there because I know how tough it is and like I said I didn't know dick about dick I only knew where stand-up was that night. That's all I knew People come to me with these stories. Oh my god. You have to be at this place This is where Sean Penn hangs out and producers I go no, I don't need to be there. I need to be on the stage. Yeah, you go to that place and you get that mind Fuck there's nothing gonna happen for you your career

If you do a spot at the Mexican place Then you stop at this place on Santa Monica and you end up at the store. That's three spots I was doing when I first moved to LA Yeah, I was doing 400 spots a year That's crazy. That's three spots a night Sunday nights. That's more that's that's a lot. I would do let me see Yeah, I would do One to two spots seven nights a week

Some nights I do three that was what I yeah That's how I was for a while. Saturday nights when I lived in Seattle I got to Seattle in 95 Monday and tuesday winter underground Wednesday, there was three different people at a night. Either you got paid or you got a guest spot And thursday friday and saturday was the same And then sunday there was an open mic at the underground where you got paid So me you lee

Red band we don't get together do a show. Yeah, they give us 70% of the dough We take the money and we go to McCormick and schmitz And spend a lot of time for the happy hour. Yeah, they have the best happy hour. Yeah, so that was that was it that was You know, that was uh, the beginning of your marketing like that was how you learn all this shit But at the same time You're doing What we're supposed to be doing I've seen I moved here, Kate

I went home so many nights heartbroken Because for years there was always a new kid in town and it was never me It was never me. There was always a kid who came in and did three spots at night I got it and the guy from the improv loved them There was the guy who got the half million dollar deal. There was 10 of those Guess what when the deals went away these guys, they're fortitude broke And they're gone. Yeah, they're fortitude broke and they're gone It's the people who stay here and stick it out over the years. Of course

And you keep going out and you keep believing in yourself and you know what something may not happen for seven eight months And then one day you get the call of a lifetime And you're in town all these people. Well, I'm gonna go home for three weeks for the holiday. Go ahead Fuck you Have a great trip. I'll buy you a pint again. Have a good trip. I'll send you a couch, motherfucker Some of the best auditions I've gotten in this town Have been after december time. No, you're so right when somebody wants to shoot something on january 8th, right? The fucking monday after new years

You want to go to work sit here? From the fucking 18th to the 31st But here's the crux. I shot something one year on christmas eve morning For the NFL network. Do you understand me? I booked it like the day before for the NFL network. I love the attitude. You listen to me one fucking christmas I was broke as fuck. Yeah, I didn't know what I was gonna get my girlfriend and they used to have a little spot on La Cienega

Across from the chinese restaurant and the venos pizza In there. There was a spot where you auditioned I went in there to audition for a god-awful italian mob thing Like god-awful wasn't even a tiny mob thing. It was like two guys from new york that played plumbers on an island hot I will never forget this eight The dog broke his shit. Yeah got a neon for a car. I share it with my wife. We got one apartment

We live in a one bedroom. We were living in a studio room. Hollywood, baby I I go to this play stone and this dude taps me on the shoulder and says excuse I go to this dumb fucking audition. I signed my fucking stupid name It's december 18th. Yeah, I'll never forget I signed my stupid name. Yeah, I got seven days to get my fucking girlfriend A christmas present And send my daughter something like I was like fucking waiting

The only thing I had coming it was the 115 check from the comedy store on friday. Yeah Hopefully I'll get a main room spot And I got at least get dinner for christmas eve And that eight I'll never forget that I walked in there. I the movie the movie if we shoot the movie's gonna shoot in february What the fuck am I doing here december 11th? You know i'm saying december 18th. I thought the movie was shooting january first So I walked out. I'm a little bummed out And do you know as I'm about to hit the corner

This fucking guy comes out at this little Nazi. Excuse me. Excuse me You might talk to yourself I'm like what's going on He's like a union And I go yeah, I'm using he goes It's a shame It's a shame you had a non-union project because I have a non-union project you're perfect for you're like i'll do it And he goes to pay cash

They go really And it was like three thousand dollars I had never seen three thousand dollars out here I fucking went inside. I read the role I got it the next day I had a drive up to valencia. They gave me a hotel overnight Nice stop a d-man's gonna have to get a little bend a little rock Side night in the hotel I can fucking blast off and look out a window So it was a two-day shoot three g's buyout non-union commercial for switzerland

perfect it was a fucking For switzerland snickers commercial two mobsters drive up in a fucking that was the sopranos were hot That's how it always happens two mafia guys drive up. We drove up to valencia I lived I stayed in the hotel room shot the next day Six o'clock at night the sun was going on. I'm starting to get cold They placed an envelope in my hand and I fucking shot home. I had breaks like that every That happens to you december when everybody's leaving Everybody's going home. I remember one time I went in for a show that they were gonna fire arty lang

So when I dude had the show they were gonna they were gonna replace. No way. Yeah I've sat here through years of this shit and listen one thing I've learned Is that you wake up every morning? You do the best you can do you write your goals you take care of yourself you take care of your health And one day So I'm gonna call you and say hey man. We got this audition for this fucking role I don't know. It's a kurt cameron film or whoever the fuck Go in there and knock it out of the park and next thing you know you you work on a feature film in new york

They're gonna give you 175 a day per day and you're there for three weeks track You know and that's it. That's it. You're there While you're there, you know to think about doing spots and you're like, oh, what am I doing? We talked about that. I'm here to shoot a fucking movie. I'm not here to do 15 minute spots I remember you telling me that when I was shooting my my show because I was trying to do spots on the robe And I was shooting and you're like just do your show concentrate on your show focus on your show That's who's gonna see you those are the people that bring you back You go on your show fucking half who bots. You're right. They're gonna go. She's half fucked up. You know what I'm saying?

It's true. No, I'm happy. You know, I like the whole hustling thing. I'm from the old fucking hustle school you know When I was a kid man When my mom first died I moved them with this family called the benders and the benders are great John was great the whole the whole family was great. I was just a fuck up But while I lived with them, I met two brothers And uh

One of them I was tied up with to the other one and me and him were kind of crazy and shit and we'd snort blow And I told him I was getting thrown out of the fucking runnies. You know, I was getting thrown out of the benders And that's all I said to him That's like if I tell you, you know what leasing to throw me out pretty soon. Yeah And one day he came to me at school and he goes I talked to my father you can move him with us If he throws you out here, you can yet throw me out by that point. He goes just moving tonight Like who does that type of shit? You know what I'm saying? That's really dope So I moved them one of my little for about a year and a half and I robbed a jewelry store

And I went to Sarasota and hid for a couple of fucking months and I came back. I didn't move in with him. But we were made friends and I mean tight tight like he came to my wedding You know, he was there when they sentenced me to prison He wrote a letter. You know, he's just uh, we just stayed in touch. He was a fucking crazy man and then 92

I got into a little trouble and bolder. You know, I went through a divorce and I was having a hard time I was starting to get the comment. I just called him up one day and I listened man. It ain't working out for me This is just not working out here. I'm gonna fucking kill you know, no way You were gonna leave? So he sent me a plane ticket and I went to some guy who sold Xanax With the Vs in him and I fronted a thousand of them And I took him back to jersey and that's how I started my life with a thousand Xanax I sold him shut up and I had like 800 bucks

But he let me stay with him and his pregnant wife and their kid on the floor on the couch And he would lend me his Honda To go to auditions and to go to fucking different open mics. I didn't even know what I was doing Yeah, and then they had a move so I ended up going to cliffside where he still stayed my brother And we're still we still talk every 10 days. He's got four kids Two of his kids come to my comedy shows The whole fucking thing. That's amazing. Yeah, this has been a 40 year maybe 45 year friendship Just amazing and

A week ago his daughter his 18 year old daughter woke up on a monday and said she was having a hard time breathing Because she had pneumonia. They took him to the hospital while she's at the hospital They realized that she had some form of Uh, leukemia that her white blood cells. This is the niece you were talking about my niece. Yeah She had the white blood cells dropped. There was no no something in the red blood cells And they kept her over there at night and did a test and there was a came back. Yeah, she had cancer But it's not in her organs and it's not her brain. It's treatable. So it's treatable So she lucked out they put her in this hospital in Philly and it's

On the top three hospitals in the fuck country for that type of treatment for kids And they tried to backtrack the insurance Because she doesn't make any money She just started her job. She just graduated high school. So crazy. So they backtracked their insurance and it's gonna cover But they pretty much told the parents that it's gonna run them a half a million fucking dollars. No way Even with all the programs It's four weeks in the hospital five weeks six weeks And then you have to go back there

Every week once a week for treatment for like a year or two or something until they get it right. So It's expensive So, you know me guys, I don't I put up a link before you give 50 cents. It helps if you can't, you know me dog There ain't no beef everybody's trying to fight everybody's trying to put two nickels together Yeah, it just helps out who knows. Yeah, if everyone gave 50 cents, I'll cover it. What's that? I said if everyone gave 50 cents, I would just about cover And you know, I don't get mad at nobody. I don't give a fuck about that. It makes me so sad

Can't donate to everything. No, you can't but it's just it's it's crazy that it's 2017 And we don't have like a healthcare system that takes care of you. It's absolutely listen. They do that This this is all these hospitals st. Jude have a million dollars. You know, listen, it's it's 1.5 million in the treatment Oh, you're paying for, you know, you're just assuming. I mean, how is it 1.5 million dollars about the house before I go honey What happens if I walk in the house and there's three feet of fucking water? She goes, well, here's the problem We would get a check but the first 5000. It's a 5000. Right, right So we would swallow that they would they would pay for the furniture, but you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Yeah, yeah, yeah

But it's like insane that it's 1.5 million dollars to treat one person's cancer Like how is it? How does it even cost that much? How is it possible that the medication treatment to treat one girl? This is to be at cost a million dollars. That's insane You sit there. It's impossible You sit there and you go home, but then you think about if it's your child If it's your child, it's going to save her life. Oh, of course you do it. You do anything And that's why people spend it but yeah, of course I would sell I would do it my mom It's one of those hospitals that after you become a part of it

Then when somebody else's child gets it you pass money on to them. Yeah, it's a retribution type thing So it's not like you go to jail. No, they're gonna cancel your fucking visa card or anything Yeah, but you still have a half a million dollars worth of debt on your It's so it's just it's insane to me. But they have a bunch of grants So they're trying to do all they could Alexa the sister Set up a link and I put it on twitter Early uh sunday night lay the sunday night. So I'm sorry only get with dollar. No, I feel bad for my brother And I want to do something nice for him. I'm gonna go

Visit him and her On my way to Pittsburgh and spend the night over there and see them Yeah, hang out with him go get some chinese food in Philadelphia something like that Or something on a cheese steak or something smoke some reefer. I'll see my niece I'll see her at the hospital the mother at the hospital, you know When I first moved back from I was in fucked up shape I just got through a divorce You know, I lost my fucking credit, which I fucking

I was crazy about my credit. I made all my payments. I'm shit me too. I'm obsessed my credit, you know I'm like, I'm poor, but I perfect credit I fucking I didn't have rent to pay my roommate rent money I was doing blow I Asian chick broke my fucking heart. I just Kicked it to the curb and stepped on it. Her pussy was so good So I just left like a fucking beat up bag back to New Jersey and he paid for everything And his wife was pregnant. Yeah, he's family. So he meant me cut me a deal. He could look don't be afraid

Stay at home with my wife wants tv. I'm gonna go out and play darts and do my thing I'll give you a package. You give me like a half a gram. So I had something to do at night when I was He loved you. Oh, I loved him. That's why I got to do this So I would sit there with his wife I would roll a joint go downstairs smoke and I come upstairs and she go you hungry. I'm hungry And we call a chinese restaurant in seacorkers, new jersey. It was tremendous They were open till midnight We go there about 11 30 and we get egg rolls pork fried rice

We bring them back to the house and me and her both throwing good fellas And we and we do that four nights a week. Yeah She was gaining weight because of the baby I was gaining weight because I was eating chinese food every night 30 at night On saturday, she would give me money to go get at this deli they had With these stuffed fucking peppers and it was stuffed with prosciutto. I mean this deli was fucking delicious Sounds so good making me hungry for the last two or three months of our pregnancy. I was there with her

I stayed in with her and then the other nights I was out doing comedy Like I was out in the city standing online in front of a fucking coffee shop and shit It was a fucking horror show It was really Yeah, but I almost quit those days and I would go over there those days were rough I'm glad you didn't I had to go get a backstage and used to have to go on the backstage and see where the open mics were And I remember like going into hamburger harry's and Yeah, old triple in I went to some fucking creepy places. There was one place. I will never forget. I went to this place. I'm like

It was across the street from good fellas pizza on the upper on the low west side Unlike 8th avenue and 20 and 18th street Yeah, and it was there was something on the corner and this bar was the second bar and they had an open mic I still had thoughts of that in my mind Like the things I learned in there There was never ever more than five people in there really listening. You mean audience. Yeah Never more than five people. Yeah The guy who ran the room was cool and there'd be so many comics there

That you thought there were 60 people in there. Yeah, it was all calm So I made it like a hangout. I forget the name of the place. That's cool though Oh my god, but I would go there and I learned so much in there like I just went down there to bomb You walk out of there go on. What the fuck am I doing? I was talking about that last night I was like, you know, sometimes I think it would just be fun to go up and just bomb on purpose Just for fun. Just every once in a while like literally last night. I was like you have to yeah, just just for fun if you don't bomb 25% of the time you're not really a comic because you're not taking chances You got to try and you stay I go up there. I don't give a fuck anymore

Yeah, the main room I used to always trip on it for years And recently because there's so many producers that are producing rooms in there Yeah, I've gotten really good in the main room now because I flip it on After it took me 10 years to learn how to work that room really Bro, I bombed in there the first time. Why do you think I think I'm an or type of guy. Yeah I think the or is harder now over the years I've learned how to adjust to the main room, especially now that those promoters do a great job Those things are packed all the time. They're fucking packed in there

But for years I go in that main room and just eat a bag of fucking decks. No way I would even tell it. I don't fucking put me back there no more and she would put me back to the file of dama rara Who 15 years ago was a hammer back there. You think he's a hammer now So fucking funny. He would take you on a psychological ride And I would go up there trying to be dirty and it would just be a death kiss It would just be harm You know a story someone told me about you recently. I have a friend He's been doing comedy for like 14 years or something super funny guy. He said this is like years ago

He said this had to be like eight years ago or something. He was headlining a show at the old ha ha and uh He said he went up and he said it was like the best set he ever had He goes I felt like I killed so hard Audience loved me. I was like oh i'm gonna hang after everybody's gonna fucking tell me how awesome I was he said it was the best set he ever had and then he said while he was on stage You showed up and you weren't supposed to go on but you he said you popped by And you wanted to go up

So like yeah, you can go up after this guy So he said he was like I killed the room and then I came off And then joey went up and he goes within three minutes Of watching joey. He goes the crowd was fucking losing their shit He goes what I thought was killing the room was nothing compared to the first three minutes of joey was on stage He goes he murdered so hard. I left. He was I left. I didn't want to see the audience after he was like I'm not

Gonna ever say I killed again until I'm that funny. That was a story. He told me about you the other day And I was like that's that's amazing. He goes. Yeah, I watched him and was like, oh, that's the level That's the level I want to be out when I say I killed it Really that happened to me with stand home. Really 1996 in seattle I'm a feature actor shit I'm a bad motherfucker. I had her I had met stanhope before He had just won the san francisco comedy competition

He was hot But there's a thousand comics that come through the great that after you watch me like Yeah, this is garbage I'm up down with it. My girlfriend I'm excited She just finished stripping her hands are sticky Hot We're sitting there and this kid goes up there and just starts throwing a beat in on the room

Like I never saw no stanhope after you mean this is no, I didn't go up. I I went to sit and watch He had come on he came in with a reputation of a killer. He was the hottest thing In hollywood. He was a regular at the store. He was disrupting the improv So I said, I knew I knew him from the boulder from the broker He stayed at my house both times when he had come through that So I went to see you know, I I kept here in the bottom and Somebody goes you're talking about Doug stanhope. He's on fire right now And I'm a comic and I think that you know, I didn't think I was great

Right things were happening. I was in a great direction. I was in a great comedy scene. You felt good I had just done the festival. I came in sixth Behind the the black girl that's popular now Who's the black girl? She was on the view or something want to say no The one that there was a comic from the laugh factory and she told jayme to fuck off I don't know. Anyway, it doesn't fucking matter. Oh, I think I know you're talking. She's the comedies for the other night I can't remember her name. I know you're looking black chick, but she's half white and she doesn't play off black She plays oh, that's how you should. Oh, I use it. Okay

I used to took fifth that year. Mm-hmm, and I forget who took first But I like Seattle. I was doing well I go on a date we jump into the late show And what I saw Doug stay and hope doing up there was total annihilation Yeah, like I stayed and want like at the 25 minute mark I thought to myself, you know what? I'm quitting comedy Because I'm never gonna be never gonna be this good. Yeah, and this is what you need to be

If you're not doing what he's doing right now You're fucking missing the boat. That was june of 96. I saw that And I went home and I canceled the next night. I had like a gig at like an eight naval base or something No, I called I called her at like one and I said I'm sick And I was like that was too much for me to even watch dude. It's that was too much for it Once you get that inspired now, you know Yep, like I feel bad for your friend but

You should it was the only thing I had over him at the time Was time and experience experience means that For fucking 15 years. I threw myself into the weirdest situations Like I I was a fiend. Yeah, so I would take any gig you got a bar room I remember Darren Carter me going to a born Darren Carter calling me and telling me that the week before you got a knife thrown out of there Shut up by a foot an audience member who didn't like him rick martinez. Do you know rick martinez? No There's a dude rick martinez. He's still around. He's still lingers from time to time. Okay

He used to book all these crazy shows And he had one show in a room in Oceanside, California And it was all big fat Samoans And if you went in there did fat jokes. They told knives at you And Darren told you gotta get up and do push-ups or something and the guy threw a knife That's amazing a knife Listen guys, you sit at home going. What is the life of a cop? People don't understand There are moments that sit during the week

There are moments you feel like you're on top of the world and then there are moments you're like I should give like When I did the avian awards, I remember I had a really great set at the avian awards and everyone warned me It was going to be terrible. So I remember coming off and being like that was amazing I I did so well. There's so many people here. I rehearsed like I felt so good I felt like on top of the world right that I came back to la And then I was hosting a show at the comedy store like two nights later or something and uh, Louis CK dropped in and he went up and then rogan was going after him and I'm hosting And Louis CK is about to come off

He's got the light and rogan's running late in the or and they're like kate. Just do like four or five minutes Just kill time I'm like you want me to do five minutes between Louis CK and Joe rogan And then I had this moment of like what the fuck am I gonna do and then I went out And I tried to do you know, I made a joke like about having to like every comics worst nightmare Having to like do time after Louis CK and then I tried to do like a bit like a three minute bit But it was like so fucking terrible. I mean so bad the laughs I was getting Compared to the laughs he was getting and in my head. I remember just being like this is the last time

I'm ever gonna go on stage here. Like that's literally what I was thinking Why'd you update you thinking that like I bombed really bad at the improv In between stanhope and nick de palo. Yeah, I saw It wasn't that I bombed so bad. I bombed twice at the improv I bombed at the black show one night Well, you could hear crickets really? Have you ever been in a club where you actually could hear crickets because that happened to me once I actually could hear crickets backstage

And then I bombed at the improv about 18 months later on a thursday night packed house And there was some fucking hitters on there. Yeah, and I got sandwiched in the middle And I went up there and I think I bailed at the end But it was horrendous set and I swear to god. This is exactly what I did. You ready? Yeah, I Went to the comic store. I did my spot I did mediocre on purpose because I had already made my decision

I had already made my decision. What was your decision? I went I bought a 220 from the guy I went home I got a notebook I did coke all night and that morning at six in the morning. I fucking sent the facts to the guy with the with the missing ear that books the pacific northwest And I told him to give me all the work he had And he gave and he I told him just give me had my word And I fucking did I mean I disappeared. Yeah, I left

In november. Like I was so ashamed I did the remaining spots I had that week and I just went underground I was so embarrassed. I got in a fucking car First I started the tour in new york. I went to new york around my family I did all the rascals those are 500 No money weeks left. I did all that shit rascals boston I did all that during the holidays and then I came back here got different clothes Went no way went to texas

Did a week in texas with somebody and then me and a girl got in a car and drove all the way from houston To oregon and we did five weeks up in the pacific northwest without coming home And then from there we came through la changed clothes And went right back to el paso. We went to all those fucking places all over again When I came back from those nine months A different comic. That was a different comic. Yeah, it was a different comic even five weeks But then I had to retrain myself in the la different comic Because now you're rough on the road. You just got out of prison. You're tougher than nails

You've done push-ups every day. You learned how to write. You've been focused. You've been disciplined but now That joker, but tescalus is not going to work in that life people only call you a hack And you're also doing like an hour on the road and you're doing 12 minutes here Now you're doing 12. So now you got to get your act To be sharpened for los angeles and that's a complete different fucking story and that's what people understand It is crazy though too here because people don't realize you can be so young in comedy and have to follow ron What like I mean, you just never know who's gonna pop in even on a bringer show

Even on a show at the comedy store that like you shouldn't even be on yet I had to follow ron white at the improv one night and it was I mean, he's so hard to follow He's so fucking funny. But know what you can't look at. Okay There's two ways to follow fucking funny people There's the way that you walk up. They defeat it No, there's the way that you walk up there like he's just another comic For years I followed a heat at the store And for years I ate a bag of dicks and I'll tell you why

Because on the way up I lost mentally I was in your head. That's the stage. I said it out loud I would say it like give me another run up block. Yeah, he's a legend He's a fucking savage and then I would defeat myself by saying How am I gonna follow that and right there? It's over. Yeah. You just killed yourself. You just shot yourself in the foot. That's true now like you have to you have to Follow energy with energy

That's why right now. They're not scared of Irma no more. They're scared of jose Yep, because energy follows energy So if you go up in front like I'll tell you who's really good at following people Allie won't Oh, yeah, she's great. If I will delete or run white. I mean not because she's great because she changes the tempo of the room Of the room

I was gonna say though, don't you think it's something about because I feel like for me It's like and I mean everyone says this but it's like when you find your voice But because really now like I'm gonna be me No matter like I used to the first club that ever paid me in LA was the j-spot. Have you ever been there? How about the airport? Yes, it is so black. It is the fucking is still open Uh, I haven't been there in like probably two years. So I I think it is though I saw billboards when you come back from the airport. I think it is I think it is but like They were paying me before I ever should have gotten paid. This was like seven eight years ago

They would pay me to come on the weekends. I think that's they just wanted a cute white girl I would be the only white person there comic or crowd right and that room is so black I mean the guys are wearing pimp suits and canes and I mean, it's just so urban I would go up and fucking bomb so bad because I would try to play to them instead of just being myself Instead of just doing the same shit. I would do anywhere else. I would try to like Match the energy of all the other comics and when I finally stopped doing that I started having good sets there, but I think that's what it is I think it's like there's some moment where you finally go

This is my shit. This is my voice. This is I'm gonna be me no matter what I started a black club I started a club club mix and on a sunday night club max mix. Where's that? It used to the dj kwami Booked it on sunday night And that's how I met Son of the entertainer That was here in la denver. Oh, he's cofax boulevard. It was called club mix and the guy was named was kwami And kwami's claim the fame was that he was out here in la for a while doing spots at the motherfucking store So if you ever go by the store tell them kwami sent you so when I came out here

I'm like kwami sent me and they're like don't fuck yourself kwami was very good for me on sunday nights He would take me out to this place And I was doing comedy for two years. I was confused. I didn't know who the fuck I was on stage And I would go out there and I would come out with music I did something that none of the other white dudes did I went there and I watched the white dudes come out straight and they would eat a bag of dicks I would come out to a black funky music and come out dance I knew it and then I take the microphone

And run with it from there and whatever happened would happen You dancing is funny. I would call you. I would call three black chicks tlc I would call this one. James brown's uncle You know and you get through the 10 minutes set. I thought I sucked absolutely But it didn't matter. I was learning black audiences. Yeah once you start bomb like I bombed in front of black audiences and I quit Excuse me And then I figured out how to go back and do well Now guess what I'm gonna be as honest. I can't with you

I do not want to do a 3000 seat Tour with black comic. I would bomb But if you have a 200 seat one night or something that you want me to do And you know, it's a couple black dudes that either I know or I don't know. I don't give a fuck. I do it Yeah, it's the big ones where I'll bomb they go into my mental state and I bomb but It taught me a lot doing comedy selling your soul for comedy like what you were doing and what I was doing When I got here latino comedy was going to be the next big thing

Everybody white all of a sudden became latino Kate quigley was half cuban her uncle on the mother side like that still happens It was still everybody was fucking the spanish. Yeah, so it was a big explosion. You know what I'm saying? So you would write comedy For that genre. Yeah, and that genre by doing that in la you would do good on those nights But then you would take that act to the comedy store and you suck a bag of dicks with it because it wasn't trans It wasn't right over. Do you know what I'm saying? I feel actually now like I recently did a Really like an all-black kind of theater show and I feel like now I do well at it

But because I can relate to black women Because I'm I'm insane and I like go crazy on guys and sort of black girls and latin girls So I feel like I understand that energy of like I will beat your fucking ass Which I feel like a lot of black women like black women don't put up with shit I feel like I my inner black woman comes out I love black women though. Well, that's good to know Very important when I go lesbian my wife, which I'm very close to will be a black woman Well, I'm happy. I'm happy. Thank you. I want luther king march through all those years

So that I can marry a black girl. I can marry a black girl this weekend Kate and I will be at the Cherokee casino And Siloam Springs, Oklahoma It's a saturday night show It fucking sold out last time with them fucking, you know, so I'm telling you right now don't fuck around It's gonna be tremendous. We're getting on saturday. We're doing the show and we get out of there 10 pep 2 Oh And that's it. It's gonna be a great weekend. I'm happy you came on. Okay. Well, I'm so excited

Oh, you know, actually, uh, I got a bunch of stuff coming up You can just go on my social media at kateq funny But a big one I'm excited about me and red band are gonna go do indianapolis and columbus in november And then I think we're trying to set up a new york comedy fest that weekend That's november 8th and 9th So columbus funny bone on the 9th and indianapolis on the 8th. What club is it? marty's

Okay, yeah morty's morty's morty's morty's. It'll be fun. What's up with you? Everything. All right. We took you push you to the limits tonight Look at the shape of you Every time I look at him, he's falling asleep He's making noises He finally watched narcos Narcos was great. Did you enjoy it my brother? I really don't want to get I'm not gonna get near motorcycle anytime soon Let me ask you this. Did you enjoy reading the fucking subtitles? No, I thought about you when I was watching I'm like, this is fucked up

You got to read subtitles and stuff Yeah, no, it sucks. I mean, but that shows how interesting it is for me So I'll read it, but it does like I have to like pause for like five minutes after each episode Okay, that's good to know. It's a lot of fucking reading. You guys are a lot of knowledge, you know I want to learn Spanish. He says no, don't learn Spanish. Who you why would not? I don't know. I always tell you to learn Spanish. We don't know Spanish. You have fucking retarded You got to I'll blow a little bit see fucking world. I'll blow the keto Yeah, you know a little bit, but take one of they they promote the new app

You can learn a language on your phone Yes, somebody and I saw like a news thing about it and then I saw an ad for it like 10 days later So there's a new app so you can learn Spanish at home 10 minutes a day 10-minute classes a day That's it. You stick with it within a year. You're paverati's nephew. You'll be singing songs in spanish kept off Paverati's nephew. What the fuck? I don't know. Is he italian? I don't know what the fuck paverati Bob we used to call this girl in hollywood paverati When we lived in this building there was this hot chick that was like a milk type

She's still stripping the time at time. You can tell she had a little wang to her real hot looking mom You know what I'm saying? Yeah, she'd get a little coked up and shit, but she had a daughter that was chubby as shit And she had eyebrows like paverati the italian. Oh, shit, you know paverati. Yeah Well, she had his eyebrows Hot we were hot. We were hot as fuck. I'm just just sure she loves seeing you guys What a great compliment for a woman you have paverati's eyebrows We used to call her paverati And she would go, why do you guys call me paverati?

I wonder why and they're like because there's a girl that we used to know That was her name and you kind of look like it's just pretty hot So for years we called her paverati and me and my friends were how That's horrible paverati. I wonder what guys guys could probably call me some awful shit. Fuck it. Who cares? Whatever they can't talk that shit around me, you know, I dig you That's why I like you leave everything good over there. You'll have a good week Yeah, it's a whole new fucking week this week cock suckers. It's monday. All right Listen, I know I know I know the fucking it's raining out and there's floods and houston's recovering

But this is america cock suckers. It's gonna be a tremendous week. This shit ain't gonna do nothing The fucking thing destroyed cuba. It's already a category two by the time it hits fucking tamper So we're gonna be fine. All right. You left with your life You're in an auditorium right now with a bunch of stinky fucking red necks rubbing their feet But at least you're fucking safe. What would you rather do be at your house? It's fucking flooded They showed pictures of downtown miami and brickel It's fucked up down there. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy. So have they turned up? Have they checked on the guys who lived or stayed on the boats? I haven't even seen them. I don't know

I know that they're ready, you know And this is what bothers me about that shit That there's always somebody who thinks they're fucking cute I've done a lot of bad things, but they were already looting Oh, no, you see the fucking black dudes that broke like the sneaker store And it was like kind of them We

They were looting everything looting already in fort lauderdale So crazy, but that's a listen every time remember people see a hurricane as a scam time There's a time criminal look at them. What happened? I had katrina who went to jail the mayor for what corruption? He stole the fucking money, you know, everybody gives money You don't know where it goes if everybody gives 10 fucking dollars where the fuck you know where it goes It goes to the red cross the red cross flies you down there first class You know, so what are you talking about? You follow him saying to you it's kind of like kind of weird. You're right So what do we care? We're trying to put the pieces together ourselves

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