Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #517 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: September 19, 2017

Eleanor Kerrigan, Comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for three free snacks with your first order.   Meundies.com - Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order.     Recorded live on 09/18/2017.
  

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Oh shit Oh Shit It's the church or what's happening now cock suckers Monday the 18th Here we go, oh shit kick that muley Here we go motherfuckers I What's up you fucking savages uncle Joey here, it's Monday the 18th

Tomorrow's the 19th by the time you listen So get your shit together if you came to the Cherokee Indian casino last weekend I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart at a great time. I'm sorry. I couldn't take the joints But we had eyes on us from all fucking directions The Cherokee casinos they the Cherokees they watch you In the house, we got my girl, I don't know Martinez. Yes, okay, I don't know a Karrigan and the Christ killer the original Lee Syed direct from Israel and shit. I was just on our mission Israel You need to fucking today. They got together. Did you see they put an airport juice Air Force?

Oh put a fucking base in Israel's the first ever Feel like that this up in that game. Did you help out? No, you know, I can neither confirm nor deny They got this shit tight to attack Korea now fuck Yeah, I'm gonna be working with the fucking Jews Krav Maga coming at you my dad fought in Korea He's ready to get back in he says he's suiting up right now girl I'm going to work against those fucking those Krav Maga motherfuckers, but anyway, we're here with queer We're talking about interesting thing. Listen, man. Herbie strives to be the best they could be right When you start playing that competition game in comedy

Or just shitting on other people it's the shitting on other comics and the The comparing comparing yourself to what you have and what you don't have to other comics the same thing works in life Yeah, well, you're focusing on what you don't have and they have You're fucking up instead of focusing on what you need and how you're gonna fucking get it. Yeah Yeah, you know when I walked to the store and I walked down the aisle and Sebastian bill Burr and The fucking savage that we had on the show run white You know

What do you want me to do? You want me to sit there and cut a chicken's head and throw it on their ankles? You know what I'm saying? What do you want me to do? Oh, oh, yeah? Sit there and say well, they got this or I hate them because of that. You can't do that That's what gets comics fucking dead. I lost that little thing I had like a 98 when you're here for two years. You get it. Yeah, you start to get it because you're not going to Montreal You're not getting an agent comics that you moved here with that aren't as funny as you are getting fucking three yards to rep them Oh, yeah, and you're not getting nothing. So you get a little bitter

But then one day you come to the conclusion that listen I have a job to do regardless of what the fuck they're doing and you move on Like Swimming I was always a swimmer. I swam competitively. I was a chain smoker, too So that fucked everything up But when you swim if you look at the other swimmers you fall behind all that's it's the first rule My sister taught me that when I was eight and I always did that my whole life just stay straight Look people are gonna pass you, you know, you might not win that fucking race, but you're still in the race

We're still all in the race, you know now you and I both see We've been both here. I've been here for 20 years. I've been here since 93. I've known you the whole time now Lee had an interesting question. We were talking before the pocket No, no, no, and it's funny that Thanks, Lee. There's people that we've known over the years That you they've been lingering at the store and you sit there and watch them And you start to feel bad when they come over and talk to you they talk to you about their plans And what's gonna happen if it doesn't work and

Now they're not getting this and then I'm getting that when I got to the store There were ten of those guys that I'm gonna have to store every night pissing on your fucking leg and Some of them actually had psychological problems like if you really look at from outside not that I'm no fucking saint But I'm looking at these guys going how can they not realize what is going on around them? They've been here for 15 years. They've had minimal success and Now two generations are passing them up younger than them. Yeah, I'm up At some time You have to say be honest with yourself and go, you know what?

I either got to figure something out quickly or excel to the next level of this, whatever it is whether it's writing Coaching, you know something listen Phil Jackson was not the best basketball player in the world And he ended up becoming the best coach in the world. Yeah, the dynasty, okay? I know guys the tremendous fighters to the great jiu-jitsu guys that have won thousands of competitions And they run shitty jiu-jitsu schools I know guys that have have one striped black belts and they run a school like it's a fucking temple so Not everybody can transition into everything you have to know when it's time to move on

I'm very every year. I have to pray that you know though. No every year. I'm hard scariest part is every year. I had a fucking checklist December 31st Yeah to be honest with myself and I and I got to be honest when I got here guys I Had plans for something. It didn't look like it was going that way I had plans to be a stand-up, but there was no love in the stand-up community except for Mitzi sure So I turned the acting to go through the back door. I'm not ashamed to say that My lucky thing was the sopranos that I looked like the guy So I was getting hired for a lot of jobs on the basis of that. Yeah, that's fine. I'll take it

Yeah, I'll take it. I was in prison 15 years ago. This is I'll take it, right? I'll take it However, they fucking serve it up You know now again, you got to go with Joey. You got lucky. No, no, no. I was there for the opportunity Yeah, I was there for the opportunity for the opportunity. I walked into mad TV and every year I had a certain goal. Yeah every year I had a certain fucking thing and the goal was if it didn't work out I made myself a promise why waste people's time my time and everybody else's you are what you are Move back to West Bergen get a little hut like a fucking Pablo Escobar

I do that to my mom all the time and wait till I die. Yeah cops come get me or I end up in prison That was the truth. That was the game plan. Why kid even when I was sleeping in that fucking car. I Was making moves. Yeah, I was still fucking just glad I didn't have an apartment I was still getting four spots a week at the store still getting 10 22 all around town That's what Felipe had a room You know everybody had a fucking room every two three rooms, so I was making a living I just didn't have a fucking apartment. Yeah, but you're still hustling. That's what your opportunity preparation meets opportunity So you were preparing yourself for a soon-to-be opportunity. Hopefully that comes sometimes these people they're out here

They just think oh, they'll just come find me. You know, I'm just hanging out at the right place at the right time No, fucker. You got to be prepared. You got to be able to back it up You could get a job and it just like it put you over the top, but then you have nothing else after that nothing You know what I mean? You get one job Everybody's like oh this guy's great or this girl's great And then that job ends and they get nothing else because they can't back up What happened to the dude from that fucking movie? Tino speaks. What was that skinny dude that they gave that roller blade movie with your boy?

I don't I'm so happy about all of it will current whatever his fucking name is will will Farrell will Farrell Oh, you're talking about the okay the guy from That Pedro Pedro, okay? Oh for Pedro the Napoleon dynamite The big curly hair guy the skinny blonde guy the Ari Ari John header. Yeah, where is he today? I mean the red-headed Ari cuz that I remember when we saw that movie dice was like Ari missed out Like I've seen him recently I feel like but he still works

He actually looks normal right that but that was a guy that they blew up They blew smoke in his ass and he fell apart at the fucking seams. He was not ready for it Right, he was not prepared for what they gave you know that movie that a lot of people don't know this that movie that fucking What's his name the chubby kid got nominated for an Academy Award with Brad Pitt? Oh, um Jonah Hill That was Demetrius Martins, bro. He got fired. Oh Really Demetrius mark the comic Demetrius, whatever the guitar player. Yeah, well, then he's like a prop and shit college kids Yes, yes, that was his role. Yeah, I'm not mad at me. He just wasn't really well He's Christ. What's got works a lot. He does like a ton of shorts. Yeah, he and he's all over the place

I he didn't like disappear. He just did what he wanted, but he's coming back No, he didn't do what he wanted. They gave him a comedy central show ten episodes and he couldn't cover the spread Oh, it was all really. Okay. Yeah, I thought he was into his own. Let me do my No, I What are you gonna do with short films wait for him to go to a festival my film got into a festival great That the fucking you paid 250 Being a fucking festival Some people that's their world

Yeah, and that's what they do and that's fine if you're happy do it fuck it man But to be I thought the festival world was dead for me. It died. I was in ten films one with James Colburn I did films that all went to fucking festival. That's amazing and nothing ever happened not a fucking call I did I had a film in the gay film festival That I can't kind of film I would love to get in I got I had a film at the gay film festival in Hollywood 10 million fucking gay men in the industry And I didn't even get to suck a dick not even not even nobody called me for a booty call. You understand me

I was in the gay film festival and not one fucking call No, I was in the didn't say we want the Cuban bear. No, I was in the one big Festival the one year with that fucking movie with that one Toronto film festival. Oh, yeah, three movies in the Toronto film festival God's another movie that I played a fucking salesman with a kid and we were alone We lived in a car that was supposed to get nominated for fucking 10 bammies I was on a walk the red carpet with Markey Rollberg. No my god. Nobody called I did another one with those dudes from fucking He's big now. I Just saw him in something. Oh, I just saw him in

Ballers he played he played great show owner a GM's brother. Okay, he played the owner's brother I did a pilot with him where he was a Boy Scout fucking Troop and I sold heroin an Italian restaurant They sold heroin but they dress up like Boy Scout leaders and come into the place that was supposed to go to fucking You know, I did a thousand those things. I've been a thousand festivals. I tried everything to get in those festivals That's amazing. It's like six or one half a dozen of another like I want that I want to get a fucking I was in the Jersey film festival. I did comedy at the fucking thing and still bombs. You understand me. I Still didn't get who got it's not nothing. I got a call a year later for some fucking commercial regional

I thought I was gonna replace Meryl Street, but I kept playing fucking fucking plumber. So for me I swear to God, I'll play so for me Game didn't work it may work for some other people I thought that I would get when I was in the gay film festival and I was in the second That's amazing. The top short film was that the guy who fucking directed and wrote it was the king of the gays in Hollywood I loved him with all Barry Diller. No, we still talk. We still talk like over. I see what you're saying I got this person that did this guy's a director now that has the best job in Hollywood Wow You know, he does what he directs those videos

For people when they buy a bed at those places. No, no What's that fucking place you buy furniture at sleepies you build it yourself. Oh, I key So you build the bed when you buy a fucking couch or my key That comes with the video. Yeah, you pop that video and he shoots all those things dog He's making six figures. He works eight to five. You know, it's all No bullshit. They're all the same. They're all the same. You realize he was like, no I came out here with these big dreams and he goes they all sucked because the show what he's making a living The movie I did for him

Was a tv show originally. Okay. It's the reason why pussy left us a product Besides they hate his guts and then a whole fucking yeah, yeah, but they didn't really like him One of the reasons was he was going to do this at abc ABC wanted to take a walk on the wild side and do a show about two gay mobsters in hollywood That that they're fucking are you gonna co-star with him? No, no, no, no, so big pussy was doing this. It was him and my like louis The one kid that goes to the store and they're fucking Headquarters was the hollywood pussy catheter

Oh hilarious this guy these guys did write something very funny. Yeah, but at the last minute ABC got cold feet. I was gonna say that that's so we can do early for something was on fire Right now in 2002 the sopranos were on fire So every network was trying to come up with a mob show To go up with them right right They had a long fucking talk. They looked at mickey mouse And they said we like our jobs forget the gay thing. We'll put a gay thing later on as a co-star Like now I feel like you could do something like that maybe on hbo or something like it

It was great. It was great. I thought it was funny and a little bit darker Listen, I don't know how to find the fucking thing, but it's acceptable something you do now What should I put in mezzos the mezzos mezzos Apostrophe s your boy your boy went in there with me to read On a saturday we read together. He read by himself When I got the movie he was furious He talked shit for a fucking month He was better than the guy the guy could have been a lot better. You can't say his name. No, all right

Who's your boyfriend? I've so many. Yeah, your boyfriend. Oh, who's your main lover? They'll fucking leave his wife and kids To be with you Look, there's so many of us Oh I was so high on coke that morning. I I'm gonna punch you that was so fucking amazing I was falling asleep from the night before To add that drink two red bulls

You look great though. Does that have a volume to it? That's as high as it could There's a phenolkere full blown What do you mean like a half a fag or a full full for full fags. Oh, we're gonna stay here Me and him are brothers till you feel better, right? Yes Let's go come on shut the fuck up. We just got here pray us something I don't pray no more What the fuck do you mean you don't pray no pray no that is the stupid

Don't pray no you want to go to hell or something. No, it's not like that. I just don't pray no more. I gave it a fillet You cannot give up praying for length. Yeah, you are positively a moron now. You have to give up something you like like eating Holy fucking you watch your fucking mouth For everyone watching now There's like a hot dude. That's Lee with muscles in my dreams. Oh my god Dog i'm telling you I was in the gay film festival with this movie It's a fucking man. I walked in there fucking people were shaking my hand. Oh my god that fucking smile right there at the end

I want to beat you. Oh my god Santa Monica Boulevard Oh, yeah, look at this. It was a spoof and a half dog And it was me and this kid until today. I still talk to this kid We still talk once every three months Can you believe this shit? Yeah, yeah, there's some good shit. That's amazing. You can't fucking believe this dog. This had to be

You know it's 14 years ago. It's kind of the opening is soprano s Yeah Yeah, they did this a little different obviously it's the west coast versus the yeah, they did this because And fox search lab was all over this. It was a map. This was the this was the first real short film I ever did I think you must have been dropped on your head when you was that had So your brother's gay? We're both gay What are we doing here again? We missed his last three famous How much this guy owes?

7,500 times You still talk to him. Oh and excuse me. I believe it is sir. Andrew lightweb Sir, what's your lightweb? What's this guy's name? I don't know. I do know that sonheim writes music But I can actually listen to as opposed to most composers. I think the louder the noise the instruments make the better the song This got me. I don't rise that It's amazing. Yeah, see this is the tape. I say acting is fine. It's just the tape. I said for I don't rise that She told me to send her the fuck are you talking about another tape when I got a thing and I sent it to And I can I sent this to the sopranos too. She told me to send there anything I did. Yeah, that would help my cause

Yes twice with you with you Anything on my teeth? No, no, you're good. You're good Besides the composer does not control the volume of the instruments do not The conductor does Bring it again Thank you, I thank you. I hope not

I think you've been influenced by the commercial success of mr. Webber's productions as opposed to maybe forming your own opinion You know, if I didn't know any better, I swear you were straight I Hello, mrs. Uh I thought you didn't know his name on his first name This is bambini. It's your son home. What that's curable sometime. Oh, exactly your son. Is he home? Which one? There's more than one

There are six It's my mom make that seven hours forget about paulie I can't remember what this guy's name is jesus christ. He's the youngest. I know it's like a circus name. I know if it's bono It's not monkey boy. He don't let you know more. He's got two words. So I can't remember what he's talking about Jesus christ. I can't think. I'm not too proud of him. I really wanted a girl Would you please shut her up, please I hope he doesn't oh, don't just turn into a girl any of them Are any of your children home?

Come in I'll make some tea She's christ Jesus christ Thank you, mrs. We shot this we shot two days Of 16 hour days And I stole the coke friday and saturday I have the fucking longest running show in brookly history void weapon. You know what you see You like commercial success interfere with your judgment of art. I fucking

Interfere with what do you want me to interfere with flops? knock What's this guy's name again? I'm not your mother now open the fucking door All right, let's fucking yeah. Yeah, sure. Just just give me a minute. I'll be right there. Okay I'm still bumping for this guy twice in here. Maybe what's the guy who's behind the door? Make it open. I'm like invested in this now. I'm like in it like this is amazing Whoa, what have we here joey? Looks like an asshole sticking out a window

Hey butt wipe. Hey, totally facing you here. I ain't fucking laughing. Oh my god. He gets stuck in the window I have no fucking idea. I suppose the reason you haven't gotten back to this you've been stuck in this window for three months Shit Shut up, turn this shit off I'm dying right now. That's so this is the shit you gotta do over the years to To get big parts, but no, you're right So like I would kill for this and that's what like when you want this when you got this Were you like thrilled out of your mind? Yeah, you must have been like, oh, this is gonna put me over the moon

No, I don't remember. I was a short film and at that point I had done a bunch of them. They got nowhere Oh, so you were already kind of but this was the only one that had big people behind Like fox was on the fucking set, you know, there were agents on the fucking set There were producers on the set because they were still in the middle of pitching into another network that they'd know Yeah, they were gonna do this short film To get interest and then take it from there It got minimal interest

Wow and it went away. I was doing like student films. Me too. That's what we have to do in the beginning You have to do 20 of those fucking things. They were brutal. They were awful But no one was ever behind it never fought nothing exciting. The problem is that this is when it really starts wrestling I mean, that's right. You wrestled for a while. You do with MMA girls or fucking. Yeah, I'll fucking fight somebody right now but it was weird because You Attack it from different angles and you don't see it at the time when When nothing comes of it. Yeah, but it all added to your experience

Right because yeah, it wasn't it wasn't happening the acting for me So I was freaking out. I kept getting engaged too. I think it was in my second But with dice when I was engaged to him, we were at least filming a reality show So it felt like I was doing something Do you know what I mean? But I wasn't like it wasn't like a stellar acting job. I mean, I'm crazily trained Actress that never got any fucking work Because I think I was like too big into the like I was Jeff Goldblum student at Playhouse West

I studied under Robert Carnegie. I studied at a Meisner. I went for two years. Me, Freddy, Soto, Corey, Como Like we all went Bob O'Shea. What place did you guys go? It was two years. Sherry Shepard. Yeah, you could go audition for two years You weren't a lot. Meisner. It was in uh, Santa Monica. It was the fucking D. W. Brown and Joanne Barron Are they still there? Yeah Wow, we didn't listen to them with the audition and Sherry Shepard got a movie. She didn't come in for she didn't graduate until later She was in Freddy's class then Freddy got a pilot. He left So he didn't graduate until later with me and Corey, but we were still auditioning. We didn't give a shit. We didn't listen to them Like he they tried to tell you that but we were like nah, bitch. We're if we get some we're going

Yeah, even O'Shack who O'Shack had the best. I don't know if you remember Bob O'Shack Yeah, oh, please great. Well, he writes for bill mardin. I write a great everything They used to want you to cry right like to to reach your emotional So I could cry on cue like I you know because I thought I was gonna be meryl straight I was doing plays and shit nobody was watching And but but O'Shack couldn't get to that emotional level So he would go out in the hallway and pluck his nuts and try to get tears to come to his eyes So I'd walk to the bath. I'm like see O'Shack playing with his dick

But yeah, he's that's how he would cry. That's how he graduated No, I know that was nuts all those movies those stupid little films I did I got better every time I did one Yeah, that's the only way to do what happens is like I sit here sometimes like oh like I remember I did a student film after I had already Pinned big fucking films And actually, you notice how much they don't know what they're doing Yeah, but in today's television world, I gotta be Alice right here. I'm gonna be strictly Alice with you There's certain tv then

Three or four people in the set know what they're doing. They're paying so bad today The pay is so bad on these movies That the people don't know what they're doing in the last 10 years. You know how many films I did That had to go back and redo the fucking voice completely Because the tape was lost and all those dog movies I did with Dean Cain four of those movies the sound They had to go back and because why they cut dollars in the beginning of the movie You get some fucking plumber to go in there and tape your fucking movie And then at the end it don't sound right now. You got to spend all that money again

And then some see they try to cut what you pay for you get what you're paying for cutting corners And it's it's it's it drives me. At least it's day one that I pay you Absolutely, I'll tell you why I did that to make sure because so many people were not Paying not even a dime. I got some people still don't pay dog I worked in films where people have worked 30 days straight and I got that's right And I've been there from six to six They still they got an hour before me and two after me for three to get experience. Come on dog You got to give me something. Yeah, you got to give me a 50 pay for gas

Yeah, it's abuse but people do it out here. I think The we're hearing you talk about that. I'm an idiot. Yeah. Well I hearing you talk about that IKEA guy The guy who directs all those uh videos not the IKEA guy Like the the more I've been out here the more I think like that's the way to go Like industrial Commercials like stuff that you don't really mean just to maintain. Well, no, like I'm talking about like like I think what happens And and especially I've only had production experience, but these people come out here and they actually like want to be Filmmakers and they're artists and dream and you guys are artists you guys have done thousands of free sets

But it's because a million because it's doing two because you love it And they get you that way because you're gonna do it regardless. You oh, I'll call still work on the mood It's good. Uh, whatever it's called. It's You but lee it's a complete different story Weller than seattle was a woman who did not like me right as she booked independent one nighters. Okay Like comedy shows. Yeah one nighter. She had 30 of them. She got mad at me over a situation and she wouldn't book me You know what I would do I would get a paid gig But before my paid gig I see what time it is or it's a 10 o'clock show

I call her I knew what which one of her gigs started at eight And I called her at the house and I go, how you doing like a towel that when she'd answer the phone she'd go Fuck because there was no caller. I did that. Yeah, so she would look at the phone and go. Fuck. Yeah What can I do for you joey and I go can I go to the marine bar tonight and do a guest spot? She couldn't say no to me. It was a free spot You know, she once told somebody joey Diaz is an asshole. He does three guests sets for free and I'm like, bitch. I'm in LA The reason why I'm in LA is because I did those three sets for free and it made me stronger But remember Lee, you know me. I'm lazy

This was a 20 minutes there. It was a 15 minute spots in 20 minutes home. That's an hour out of your day I'll do that for anybody I'll do that for anybody village it wouldn't mean you go joey I'm gonna shoot your scene after lunch. You're you're a professional joey Just show up late o'clock. Let's shoot you the way Greg Garcia did There's two episodes of fucking My name is like Greg called me a four It's the way you at

I'm in the valley. Can you get up to Calabasas by 5 30? There's a scene I want to put you in There's nowhere, you know when I got there. They gave me a wardrobe. They touched me up There was no rehearsal. It'll wait for me. There's that scene with me and Michael Rappaport. Didn't you just watch it? Yeah, we shot that four o'clock come on up. I got a scene for you. What are you doing? You're busy There was no audition. He just no no no. He hadn't already given me. That's great. He had already he put me in trust He put me in like four or five episodes. Yeah, you're a bunch the first two He just these were scripted. Yeah the next three were What else can I put in there?

Code your dears. I think you beat someone up once or through. Yeah, I hit him with a brick. Oh my god. He had me do a thousand things That's great Let's see. That's amazing. That's a great person to know when you're in your best. Yeah See, I don't believe in beating up anybody I really don't least I gotta need your four We get here for We're gonna start at eight Oh, that's rude. I wouldn't do that to anybody because it's been done to me. Yeah

When it gets done to you, you have no Fucking idea how you feel. Yeah, because while you're sitting there, you're like, okay, I'm gonna do this But I could have been doing something else. Yeah useful. I could have helped my mother I could have mowed the lawn. I could have gotten shopping I could have picked up the baby there's something I could have done and now you have me here Like somebody was telling me they worked with a headliner A couple months ago and the gig was at eight and the guy wanted to be there at one It was like an hour away somewhere like

And he told the guy I can't do and the guy's like, well, then you can't go Because you gotta drive me. I want he goes. What are we gonna do? So he finally agreed. He went up there with the guy. They got up there and the guy's like, well, I got one hotel room only He goes, so what are we gonna do sitting one hotel room and look at each other There's people who do that to people Oh, that's brutal. There's people that do that to people. Whoever that is should be executed I don't ever want to be fucking. Well, I call you up and go Lee Listen, bro. I'm in that situation

My fucking camera guy didn't show up Can't show up tomorrow Do me a favor man. Lee, I can't give you the rate Right. I can't give you your rate. I give you a buck fifty. I give you a half Half a fucking ounce of weed and you're my boy. How many how much work have I given you over the years? That's one thing Lee. Right. But for me to call you and go, hey man I need you for three weeks Monday through Friday Eight to ten to work like a slave, right? Plus on my end

There's no break. You know something like this. There's people trying to get away with breaks and sag breaks You don't know how many times movies I've worked on. I've expected something And the next thing you know, I've gotten like a thousand dollars more because they never took a break Yeah, and that's 45 hours of break. Oh, yeah, they freak out. That's a fine. You get fined What are you gonna? How do you get like a 15 minute break every hour meal? No, no, no, no, no meal penalties Meal penalties. That's what they called. Oh, okay. So you got to eat six hours after you get there. Yeah, okay That's your first day of break. If you're deep in a fucking scene. Yeah, I've been on sex where they're like Fuck the meal penalties. We'll pay it and they just spider-man too. They fucking me up

I would get I auditioned for that because they use wrestlers that were in wow who I they came to watch us Wrestle so there was like four girls they used. I didn't know that. Yeah, I can't remember who they used They had meal penalties when I did dicky He does it dicky roberts. Yeah. Oh I got I got I don't know how many thousands of meal penalties and I didn't give a fuck But we didn't even know that meanwhile they got boxes of food, right? So who gives a fuck If you're gonna be joey, you're done with the scene for now. You got 20 minutes to your next scene. Shit I can put away a bagel locks

cream cheese Fucking can felt the fish a milkshake I can put away stew some cookies a piece of cake And get back to the fucking set with a chocolate chip stuck in my fucking tooth I'll go on those sets and I will fuck you up. I don't need your fucking that what move spider-man to They did not take meal penalties. They did not break for lunch So they gave me the extra 35 hours a day and you check Wow, they would still break for an hour lunch

Yeah, and you were supposed to eat somewhere at sony But what they would do is they still had food out Yeah, like if I talk about all this you're like When I worked on Boilermaker, that was probably my first hundred dollar a day movie Wow Well, that is horrible for people coming to LA. You're listening to me going joey. When did you do Boilermaker in 2007? It was the movie I stopped doing coke for Because they fucking called me out before I booked and said we know you're fucked up

Think about it. Tell us But don't leave us there with our dick in our hand that ain't gonna want it, you know A liability. Yeah, so we really want you for this, but if you're gonna there's gonna be a problem. Let's just move on I was so embarrassed that I took the fucking role But that role was bottom dollar a hundred dollar a day movie. Yeah for two or three years. That's all I did Is that even a day player? What does that consider that's all right? It's like a Okay, so what you have in sag is scale. Yeah, okay. So scale is Let's say it's 695 a day. Okay. Okay, and then you have the next one down. That's

Low budget Something low budget and that's 469 a day. Okay, and then they have a movie that you get 249 a day And then there's a hundred a day And now there's ultra low budget. No the last couple years And that's 50 by beings a day. What's that although we're so for all you people that are in college And you're taking the main and you're going Joey what yet? Listen, there it is It's scale It's 459

249 150 100 and then there's a $50 movie they have now I Got just recently hit up about six months ago three days. Would you do it not in the million fucking years? They wanted me to be missing an arm Like I was a host with a missing arm and a fucking And a fucking what do you call those things with old women go and play bingo? I got a church retirement home. Yeah, but I was like a dirty

It was a fun and you know what kills me in my cocoon with Diaz. It was Fucking hilarious It's all these women would it have a back end on it or no No, no, no, no, it's $50. That's it. And they put you and listen ladies and gentlemen, you look at me You go enjoy you would work for $50 for no this principle. I'll tell you why this principle guys Now you're right because when I got here everybody paid you 650 plus 10 I'm not gonna lie to you. There's a couple things. I got a thousand dollars a day for

There's a couple costars. I got 9 50 I got as high for costars. Maybe 17 15. Yeah 12 17 50 And then something and I got and I never booked a guest star When guest stars were paying 15,000, you know how many of those I booked none Then they became one day guest stars and it's it's uh Those are the ones you want

Because they have to pay you for two days. So they give you at least 1200. Yeah And all of a sudden after 2000 in 2004 I in 2002 I shot my first 469 The movie I did with Rodney Back by midnight. Okay with with uh basil was the director. That was 459 a day. Okay Okay, the one I did for 259 was there's a scene in seven Where Brad Pitt walks up To the crime scene and some guy gives him a cup of coffee. That's you that guy. No, that's not me that guy

Did a movie with his brother And he put me in it and that was 249 a day. Okay. That was like in two And then all the christmas movies I did With Dean Cain for the fucking ABC family. Oh, okay. They were all a hundred dollars a deck Wow So I did five of them the first one with 100 a day because if people see you on tv, they think you're rich Yeah, they think you're rich and you're like no motherfucker. We made a hundred no and now listen. Let's pretend Let me tell you something right now. So you make 650 a day

Stop rock and day 95 a day. Okay. Let me put it to this way 10% of that goes to your agent And 10% of that goes to your manager. So you're down 120 already So from 690 you went to what 570 Now you got taxes and california taxes. Oh, you gotta take 20 30 for 28% on that 30 30 on that So there goes another fucking uh Three times that's 180 So already I got you for fucking 180

120 that's 300 So look what you're gonna walk with you're walking with 300 dollars to be on television per day If you get the whole week you walk with 1500 dollars. Do you work the whole day? You work like a fucking slave You get there at 7 30 in the morning and you work till 10 o'clock at night. Yes, they give you overtime But you're on your feet. You're fucking getting yelled at you rehearsing your lines. They switched the script on you You stayed up all night Reading preparing to read a fucking thing and you get to the next day

And they switched the whole thing on you and you're the first scene up, bitch And guess what you hung over and you did two grams of blow tonight before your memory is kaputz And here you got no, it's fucking you're looking at the lines and they're just blurry if you do the 50 dollar a day You actually I never did a 50 the 100 dollar a day ones. I did 10 of Okay, because I enjoy how'd you make any money? You didn't pay okay, so the no I paid my age is a 10 dollars a day You pay them the 10 dollars a day The only movies 100 a day movies I made any money on

were The Santa ones the dog saved Christmas the dog saved because After the first one you had they gave me a back end they gave me at them when the movie was done They handed me a check for cash nobody knew about Then the second one they did the same I upped it the third one the fourth one and so on they upped it every movie From 500 to a thousand dollars. They were very good to me in that sense. They're slave drivers They had shitty food The director was surprised. They had food. He came to me one day. I said not to curse on the side told him to suck my dick

He never bought me again Yeah, I farted one time on this set and he asked me not to do it no more. What are you fucking kidding me? You got all this great foodie. I mean cream cheese or bagels You're gonna shake your pants the fucking everything bagel you're gonna fart eventually somewhere If you watch the last everything if you watch the last Two minutes of that first dean came movie. I did I got a little peas up. I don't know what they are. I never watch them when the movie ends They have a bloop reel

Like uh, whatever you throw all the mistakes. Yeah blooper. Oh a blooper. Yeah, be landing on dean kane And they go cut and all of a sudden I go hold on hold on Pra you hear a fart come on and deans on the bottom trying to push me off. That's real as fucking disco I was on top of him My stomach went in and I fucking unleashed the father death on that fucking dude And that's when we became friends until you become friends If you don't want to come on the podcast, but we're still friends Why is he afraid to come on the pocket? He told me he has no fucking stories

Who has no stories? How does their life go? He has a pretty interesting story that guy I bet he does you just as afraid to tell it like maybe he's You know, you went to one of those he went to a fucking one of those big-time schools I don't even know who he is technically Superman he was superman. He was superman. Yeah, again. I don't know who that is He went to what school did he go to lee? He went to a big-time school He dated that chick for a while. Mm-hmm. He got drafted by the buffalo bills. He got put on the oh wait Wait, wait. No, it was buffalo. Okay play four games

But if you talk to him you think he even played 18 Super Bowls and he knows Michael Irving, but he's still a great guy and uh But like when did he play back with oj? Oh, he went to princeton. Yeah, no, no, he's the real deal Who'd he date in princeton? Come on. At least Jesus Christ. You can't be that fucking momo. Oh Superman the tv show the tv show. I'm sorry. I thought it's seen on put a scene on. I thought you meant the moot I'm like what a scene on for for the dog to save him gave brook shields. He did in brook. She was wow I was thinking toby mcguire. Is that spider-man or superman. I don't know. That's spider-man I don't pay any attention to that shit. I live in the real world not fantasy

Yeah, so no, no he uh And these were interesting I auditioned for this I had to go to audition I had to go to call back They made me sit there. I came home the first day and i'm like Fuck that was tough because they made me go to your audition at 10 Somewhere around here and the call back was at 12 And when I got there there was maybe no, no, I want you to put on the Not dean kane superman put on the dog that saved something joey dears The dog that saved christmas. Yeah, same christmas

and then put Joey dears Put on the second one look at that face you your buddies in these two Your fucking buddies in these. Oh, this should be good Uh, oh gary valentine. Oh, I love gary valentine. God. He was funny. It's another banister family christmas We're gonna have so much fun here. They have ketopia. Oh my god. What a shot skiing and tubing No, I got I got sick up in the month. I got out the two seconds

Oh, I bet the toilet bowls in this place are filled with fresh cold mountain spring water But these two guys what we're gonna do now have their sights set on ruining this family vacation Five more minutes. Hey, they stole my necklace. Oh walk in that store. We'll buy a $250,000 necklace for five bucks Hey zoos, look at this honey. That looks very expensive five bucks. They're all the same The banister's doing here. What are we gonna do now? We would like to rent the honeymoon suite We're finally gonna be able to get revenge on that mangy mine that made us spend last christmas behind bars this year Hey kids, give your uncle randy some luck. Hey zaky All right, it's zoos

Look at his face. See they cutting back on the dog Like the dog voice was always terrible christmas. Yeah, so they these guys made money They cut places where you could tell you are so not my type I bought you a present. I love it. What are they doing with our necklace? How are we gonna get it? I got a plan. We should get a plan last time. I ended up slamming for a year I got a plan Have no fear my love zoos is coming to the rescue Yeah, chill pill guys, I did all my old stuff

You're a hundred dollars There's hilton looking at me. No fucking love. I just got my hair done 100 grand mario lopez has the voice of zoos time to say christmas vacation. How bad is it? Did you drink out of a let go when you were a puppy? Stars presents it's that dog the dog gone sequel to the k9 family event Up here The dog who saved christmas where did this air? family

Oh abc family Oh That is amazing all of these I think I mean you got great tapes out of this though like in my head. I'm like I was in dice twice and got cut out both times That's cold-blooded cold fucking blooded. I don't know what it's it's scott arm shot. He's terrific, right the showrunner However, he's used to doing movies so I the two episodes I was in were the ones he directed and

He he loves my stuff like he's oh like the first year when they caught me. He's like i'm so sorry But the thing is is he writes It's supposed to be a half hour whole write it like it's a fucking movie And then we have all this great stuff and then he's got to cut it Like I watched the episode I got cut out. I was playing milkshake sister at a bar mitzvah And the thing went so fast. I'm like, I don't even know where they would have put my scene like Because it's a half hour. It would have been a of I don't know an 80 minute show at that point like with all the other scenes

Because I also did some punch-up writing for it. So that was that some of that stayed in there. Natasha got me that job actually Natasha Ligero, she was like, can you get elinor to punch this up because It's got to be a little funnier. It's got to move faster, which is very compliment very nice so I did get that work, but the I got cut out of my bar mitzvah scene again. It's all experience. I mean I got paid Now you know how to not get cut out next time. You got to fucking make it happen You gotta rock the mic. You gotta rock the mic But it was so funny the scene between me and andrew. It was just too many

Like there was also a lot of funny scenes with andrew and this rabbi It was a kind of uh, this is your life or a wonderful life. Remember that show jimmy stewart? Yeah, so that's what they did to andrew and this rabbi is like yelling at him at a bar mitzvah Just saying like What you know if andrew dice clay had never been born and then it goes to him being like a regular schmo He's in a nightmare. So the i'm telling you if you watch it, it's great But even when we were filming it, I thought how the hell we filmed so much How are they going to narrow this down to 30 minutes?

Like even last year I got cut out for adrian brody because they filmed so many great scenes with adrian brody That adrian was like make you know scott armstrong said we're gonna make it It can only be a half hour and adrian was like screw it make it a double episode do it make it an hour And scott's like I can't do that only have a half hour. But then why shoot all this shit? But that's because that's just his mindset. It's just how he does and he's terrific Like he's they did old school. He did hangover. You know, he's a brilliant guy It's not like you know, he don't know what the fuck he's doing And he puts all these great directors too. Like if he's not directing as costa

Todd bierman that does uh It's always sonny in philadelphia and j caris who directs a lot of specials. He did bill berth I think last two or three And he's been directing a lot of comedy specials now, but he also does a ton of tv So that the show is really funny. I just i'm like whatever I got cut out. Listen, man I think i've been cut out of one thing. I'm pissed but I should have been cut out of 15 things I never forget when I shot basketball

I was fresh out the store I just got to the store. I just got that way I got a fucking manager I got a black agent the agent was called the coloring book They were on the water brother's lot And the fucking paper that you used for your resume had to be different colors So it cost me 10 or 20 hours more month just to be with them Because I had to put a staple head shots on your resume and I had a different color

I had to go to ming ming fucking copy there. What's his name on the sunset across my guitar center. Oh my god The chinese dude, they're out of business. I used to go there. Everybody's gonna that's where you went to get a Mr. Ming printing his little chinese dude when he went away. I went to the other guy on sunset a little Across from now whatever that I don't even go there anymore. It's a different world The printing world Yeah, it's fucking gone. Remember j and j beep is gone huge. They had the whole floor that fucking mall He was involved with that chick. He went to jail. That's on labor. Yeah, it's on labor What happened to mr. Ming mr. Ming was on on sunset

Did everyone check in on across from now mr. Ming I drove by the other day and sent for lease and my heart stopped Because I felt so bad, but he hasn't been there for a while. No, he's been there. He was there No, he's chinese he's there Six days a week because I didn't see I guarantee you Listen after a resume business went out of business And the headshot business. No because now You fucking you don't even need it at the house and the headshots are done

People go buy headshots. They're cheap now They're cheap. They'll give them to you just to keep the little fucking dude alive Lebray and hollywood behind I've been going there for fucking 20 years. That's right. I was in my period every time I go in there They have every because they do great retouch. Yeah, they have every fucking headshot. I ever did I did all mine there too. I can't figure the fucking nicest people in the world see their packaging next to a bagel place So I would go in and get a bagel Get the headshot down the corner that had a cigar shop and the cigar shop is behind wendy's

So you don't lose it that more upstairs the karate school They got everything at that mall somebody yelled at me for going there. They're like, it's too expensive I'm like, it's right. It's right there. It's right. It's right fucking there. You don't have to drive around It was so good. They were good except for one time. They made me look like rocky raccoons because they were trying to Fix my eyes. I'm like doing that's my eyes. That's like marty feldman. Just fucking leave them. I never fucking didn't retouch photos Oh, but the my agent would always tell me they would tell me all the time They were telling me all the time take that pimple out of there leave it there That pimple's character bitch it shows

That's why you got work and I didn't because I didn't listen to these fucking idiots I never since day one They would tell you okay. Hi, we're gonna sign you but That's what we need for you to do. You need to go on cast net and put your picture and I tell them from the beginning listen We love your look. This is no disrespect, but you need to do a headshot and I go listen Here it is You get that headshot right there. Let's put it to work And once we make a few bookings, I'll get new headshots

You think i'm kenya and they would look at me like well For right now for today just to get the ball started Let's send some new headshots. Let's just get that. I promise you let's get the first job. I get new headshots I'm like that now. I never get new headshots I signed with an agent that called me into her office and as you listen Usually book a plumber construction A mafia She gave me five a chef. She goes. I want you to get a headshot for each one

And I want you to go to this photographer. I called the guy. He wanted 250 for each headshot back And I go listen. I called the back. I said listen out of the six take your pick I think we go with the mobster. He wanted six 250 per picture. Holy you have no idea This is rip off city and that's cheap now now. It's 800. Yeah Somebody told me they paid 800 for headshots recently. What no, that's crazy. I did a shoot with uh, The guy who shoots at the store. He was terrific. Oh, joy con man. Joy comrades. I couldn't for a second I was gonna call him to hope do yeah, he's not and you know what he does. He does a lot of like, um Digital stuff for you. So like if you have a show coming up that like whole

He does like stuff you can use to put your dates next to your picture Do you know what I mean? Like social media shit that you can use for all of it. He takes great pictures He's really really good at this if you're at the store. Go check out his his And he's not that expensive. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he does the hallway series. Yeah, the hallway series is still up But even if you want regular headshots, he took regular headshots for me Then he said look, I'm gonna give you some social media stuff So like if your shows or stuff new years, we even did like your thing over it exactly We even did like I think I wore a hot

Gold dress like he was like in case you're doing a show on new year's eve Or you just want to say i'm being classy whatever like different kind of variations But fun stuff for social media and regular headshots and he was not that expensive and he touched them up And I think I did it last december. I called him two weeks ago I was like, hey, can you help me out my commercial agent needs this this he goes I'll send it in the next couple hours and he did he was right on it. He's great It's one of my favorite people. Troy comrades. Yeah, that's a lot. But yeah, don't pay man Listen when you go to an agent to give you a sheet of paper. Yes, I got one for my commercial agent

I go no, I already have headshots and they go please use one of these people because they got a taste of that Lee, fuck. Yeah, okay. They want those people I'm over all of it. No, I was over it from day one. I never bought into it When I got here, I'm never feeling like he's repeating the cast net Okay, so The process is this you give your fucking agent 200 headshots And when a row comes out for you, she takes that headshot with a cover letter and she licks the envelope and sends it in

Right, that's what people do that are failures Okay, if you want to be a failure as an agent That's what you do What this agent would do this black lady she used to say listen, there's a row for you that we can't pass on I'm gonna call this motherfucker right now. I'm gonna put a headshot right now to get carry it over to him But he goes for lunch at 1 30. I want you to have one two thirty when he gets there And give him another headshot so he'll call you and and it worked every time And I believe in that that's why I started doing that stay on top of no if you see something you want go down there

go down there See today, it's not as liberal today after 9 11. They closed the studios down here. Yeah in the old days, you know large mount Yeah, large mount that first two blocks Those are the big casting people in town. They call you over the large mount. You're going places You got the place on across from the What's the fucking the grove? Yeah, there's a place right there. All right. There's a place across from the grove If you're going down the street on the sanaga Right across this little building. Nobody knows about it. That guy cast

I think you're right. I think I've read in there. I think I read cast everything. They offer you water. They're white people There's a couple of offices. They offer you white water. They offer you water Validation those are white people then you go to these savages, you know gower. Oh, yeah Nah, I'm there for good. I look all those people are savages gower. They don't get your cable bill Yeah, you can they hope you get a fuck they hope you get towed. Yeah, they got no class But they're so you know when you go to paramount they make you park all the way at the end. Yeah, no, no drive on No, no, no drive on they fucking torment you you get they're all sweating these places are high level When you go into like the

What's that steven spielberg movie did about four? No, he did about eight years ago. I was dying to get it It was a 3d animation Yeah, I was playing like a half a gangster and I went to the producer's session And I looked down And it's three guys me steve sherripper and some other fucking dude, right? I don't know. I don't know the guys headshot. I go it's between me and steve sherripper. I ain't get this I picked my head up. I said i'm gonna get this I went in there read my fucking heart out for this It was 60 days of shooting

With a body suit on whoa So they had to shoot you with the body suit on and with the body shoes suit off big money Big money. It was some fucking stupid animated show that didn't work. There's the beauty of it. Oh animation. I cried like a pussy Rintin tin. Oh, there you go. Rintin tin that little guts It didn't take it made three dollars and they gave you money back when you walked out I cried like a little girl when I didn't get that movie when they called me and said we went with another I get it. I go fucking sherripper and a week later one of the mdb and it wasn't sherripper

I wonder what it was. It was some kid you never saw before I never saw this fucking kid before. I mean, I wasn't even that broken heart. I go. What am I gonna do? It's brutal and i'm glad like i'm learning now to not give a fuck But before I was so nervous Because when I started taking like just say acting classes, I was going to temple university in philadelphia So I go to temple everybody else was came from Money families. They had like, you know, their family was paying their tuition I was hustling to get the money to pay to go to to school, you know

So i'm sitting there in a fee lawsuit reading shakespeare and they're just fucking laughing at me So I always felt out of place So I would get nervous like oh, I have to I have to look more like this or they were like Oh, you have to take american standard english because no one know your accent is so bad That no one can understand you. We can't have you do shakespeare. We we don't even know what you're saying And and he don't speak well. So you're really fucked So then they put me in this american standard english class So i'm learning how to say things but at the same time i'm lifeguarding in south philly at a public pool

So i'm using i'm learning using my language i'm learning i'm like get out of the water and they're like the fuck is wrong with you It's water jerk off and i'm like, oh shit So I was always like confused like shit. I'm trying to fit in i'm not so there was a long time there where I felt like I lost myself Like I was just trying to Do the right thing like I guess be like everybody else instead of Be who I am which is not definitely not like everybody else much like you like We're just a fucking outcast when I first got here. We're not we don't fit into everybody's mold. I got here on a monday I got here on a monday night. I went to the comic store

Uh, I knew james stevens the third and he talked fucking What's his name? I love paul mooney to go on stage. No james stevens. I know but mooney called him james stevens the third And I went up there because what's his name was the host in late night on monday's down there And he put me up there tuesday. I went to the lab factory and wednesday duc stannell gets a call him staying with him He goes hey judy brown is casting uh Some fucking tv oh jenny mccarty's show Yeah, her name again chas pomp and terry's doing it and they need a limo driver from for a scene

And I went down there And everybody was like joey just be yourself And I go okay, so let me do going this tie him up and rob him Like I didn't have no fucking idea What the fuck people were talking about be yourself. I don't even know the fuck I am I'm embarrassed just to walk into this audition. Thank and I went in there and they looked at me lee like Oh, this kid's terrible. They were like, thank you for coming in. I'm like, uh, that's how I got well that no no They throw you into weird situations here in the beginning, but that's how you learn anything in this life

You're not gonna learn something You know, I've been going into audition Where you're fucking hand with shea At the sopranos produced the session Summer of 90 summer of 2000. I was here three years I was auditioning because I had a great manager at jeff gallin Oh I'll never forget going to the sopranos and reading but you had to hear this

Try listening to an audition When your hand is shaking like a fucking fan that you know, you're not gonna get the role They think you're the choke it's already on. I was but the thing was I did good reads I knew I memorized everything. I'm good at memorize front to back for those type of auditions I stay up for days. I write everything out. The pause is exactly how I'm gonna do it I walk into the room. I practice the walk. I do the whole fucking thing But that's all you heard throughout the whole audition is my hand shaking from my nerves That took years to get rid of

Like that took those because I went from reading short films To reading Men in black I went in for I'm like I shit my pants in the audition good auditions. I never got any of them That's a nice sign with jeff gallin Yeah, he was great. I remember I was going to a van a chubbock for acting I went to her I studied and uh, she was making women show their titties and their pussy and shit Which is always great thursday night late class You had to show that pussy and you had a little guy like me get on top of you every make out with you

Every class very strange. It was very strange, but that's why all those women She had two women that won academy awards. Why because he made the women go out of themselves Elinor would never kiss me But at that school we had to do a scene where elinor would have to be nude And I'd be nude with my leg over And you have to just focus on not getting on hard on Like I did one love scene there. Oh my god. I don't think I'd be able to find anything. I couldn't I could handle it I it was pretty bro. I didn't have a dick scene

But I was with her and my you know, you have to focus on your dick not getting on. Yeah My favorite was the meeting with her I had a I had You had to meet with her and I got recommended by william morris But at the time it was my fiance billy who was running the comedy department So he sent he goes. Oh go to if on a so I go meet that she goes. Oh, william morris. Who are you with over there? I go i'm not signed with william morris. They just rec. I have a friend there They recommended well, I don't understand how you would get in my presence

If you're not with william morris like who sent you here And I go i'm fucking the head of the comedy division. Is that work for you? And she went yeah, it does come on in And we became best friends like it was Because I was like don't grill me bitch. Somebody gave me your number like i'm not I'm trying but I was Got angry and then she loved me from that moment on and then I had a great time in her class I was there for about six months

And I learned a lot. I learned about acting But I also learned who I was going up against And it was so weird that I was going I thought I was an uncharted territory. This is why people you have to go for what you believe in because When I was in those acting class in the beginning I walked in there and didn't say a fucking word Okay, I didn't say a word The first time I walked into an acting class

Was when I got here. Let me tell you about the story about the first acting class You ever go on sunset and gardener Yeah, you know what toy is. Yeah, okay on the same side of toy if you make a right there If you make a left on that toy side on gardener Before you hit the burger place uh sunset grill. Oh, yeah, sunset grill if you go up 30 yards There's a little school there Okay, the guy's name was frank something And he had a pretty good acting class. It was a hundred a month monday nights

Seven to ten He hated because monday is at that time when I got here was the hottest night in hollywood You had the black knight at the improv and yet splatino night At the laugh factory. Yeah, the store had the open mic Which you could still do a triple header, which I did that's why I used to go for Triple headers if you got a seven minute spot at the improv with a 20 minute spot at the laugh factory And then you closed it. I went to store shit. Yeah, you went home talking shit that night So he

It was weird. I was with him By uh, I was very low to him Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. I had two salads today. I'm gonna throw one Why do you fan it on yourself? Because I'm not fanning that myself He's fanning it towards us or towards me To me specifically So, uh, what kind of salad? I had a burger at the marietti and they make your garden salad with cucumbers

All right. Oh nice nice light dressing. Oh, yeah And then tonight my wife made a little uh chili and bass And she made a little kale salad with egg and I'll let her know it smells good on the way out as well I was eating that egg. I knew I was gonna have a problem with the podcast on it When you put hard-boiled egg into anything your ass holds on fire So I'm in there by sit through it I'm just not breathing. It's nobody else when I went in there the first time I didn't say shit. I was

I can't lie to you people. I was the little place on gardener. There's little place on gardener I was probably here six months I was awkward. I was very scared. I was intimidated And I went into this acting class and god bless him. He let me watch the first week Then the second week I was supposed to go up, but the class didn't have enough time And then I was gonna go up second to third week And dog that was one of the hardest things I ever did was go up and I knew nothing about that shit

I thought I was gonna go and then they were gonna teach me how to fucking act. I didn't know yet. I do scenes I knew nothing about scenes Nothing and He taught me blah blah blah and then all of a sudden he goes listen. I'm gonna put you up Every monday at 8 45. She'd get out of here and do comedy So four weeks in a row. He did that And one scene a girl goes He goes anybody have recommendations for a scene for joey dears

This is a true story. I don't know and some guy goes Why don't you give him a ford fairlade? He kind of reminds me of dice And he goes he goes halt stop the class He goes when you do me a favor people I don't care what you're doing this class as long as you don't drink a guy and come to my class But I have a third rule never mention andrew dice clay in this class ever again. Why? What's so about two weeks later I start getting auditions big auditions

And I call them a day for a private And then I call them again. They were like 40 hours in those days 25 hours 30 hours And then the second private, you know, we were talking about new york and pizza where he was from and blah blah blah And he told me he was from brooklyn and I I write all let me get in there right now They go, so that's how you know dice from brooklyn the old days And he goes I thought I told you people have to mention dice. I go listen, man I'm just curious. I see him at the store and I want to know the animal I'm dealing with Yeah, and this motherfucker twisted a chance sat down. He's like, let me tell you a little story. Oh my god

I knew andrew before this and this and I know his wife dd. Whatever her fucking name was He had two the first one. The very first one. Oh, no, she she's two. She's number two. What's her name? Trini Trini and the whole thing and Santa And he's talking all this shit. He goes and andrew at the end bailed on me And he went with two other writers after we worked on and stuff like that He goes to beauty evidence. He never called me frank perna. His wife died

His wife died and him and his wife taught the class. They were very nice people And his wife died like a year after I quit. He was kind of mad at me for quitting I just told him the truth. I go monday's a hot night, bro An event at chubbock and a man an event at chubbock had tuesday mornings At 10 o'clock I would go from 10 to 11 30 one o'clock You know, then after a while, yeah, I would go 10 in the morning and stay till one I would do the whole fucking thing and then they tried to promote me to thursday nights And I went and ordered it one time and I'm like, listen, let's be honest

I could sit there with all those pretty fucking motherfuckers And try to do scenes naked and shit with all these hot chicks or I can make money Because thursday nights in la is a hot night. It's at least a $15 bill somewhere Somewhere in la if you're a hustling comic, there's a 30 or $15 bill waiting for you somewhere Never mind the stall or the last factory on the impromptu of that fart was tremendous, wasn't it? It really stayed in the air per day. That egg will fuck you up. That egg is just drifting Lee, where's the fucking Tony Bennett? I think he might have smelled that fart And that candle don't work for dick. No, it doesn't

Oh my god, this is such an Andrew song This was in every one of our VH1 This is over here As I Or somebody who Will swear to be true on your weaver. Yeah, it's a goal. Yeah Every time I see her I think of that

Who'll leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see I mean It's funny to watch all those fucking shorts and shit that we watched just to think what a history is No, I always wanted to be covered I saw at that time even then I saw a lot of comics

That had were tremendous comedians But you got to assume at that time I knew no, I'm not I'm not I'm lying to you people I'm really lying to you people. I knew how the game worked, but I really didn't But I always knew one thing that at one point you didn't want to travel no more as much And you always wanted to have television to fall back on And that was something that keeps you in town in a spot down. It's really nice. Like I told people a thousand times Especially you have a kid and it's really nice to drive CVS Radford five days a week Four days a week go for wardrobe. They got great caring. It's in the valley, you know

I bumped into a thousand people there from how madrigal to fucking people shooting next to you uh Or you could keep carrying your luggage to Whatever every weekend put your t-shirts with them. I always thought that the resume and the guy who inspired me to To get my acting chops up was Andrew An interesting conversation with him behind the thing when he Was working rascals

He was telling me a story that you got a call from Michael man To audition to do crime story to do crime story and he went down there And he and this is the fucking pilot. I mean Andrew shot the fucking pilot jack He said he went down there like in march And he read me knocked it out of the park and he goes I booked the road because In between takes I kept going. That's what the director is really looking at So I always remembered that when I went to the audition, he goes, that's what he's really looking at is what you're doing What in between takes when the casting people are telling giving you direction

They want to see how you react to the direction. That's part of your audition tape So I never forget that so now he said that he got that TV show Because he did everything backwards He does everything back and everything backwards because he didn't want to be like everybody else He goes why be like he goes you ever go to the audition everybody's doing the same thing outside Read it backwards. That's why when I go to the audition I go early and I listen to the first three guys before me If they all sound the same I switch I got an audible. I'm calling

Right in the fucking room. I call an audible and they're like, oh shit This motherfucker got it Even if we take him to the producers, he may not get it. But just the ability that he had to change it up To show something different. Yeah to stand out because that's important to stand out, you know, we're talking about alan stevens When I read for alan stevens had to be 2003 by that time I was getting starting to get good at auditions But I was bad at one audition. Are you ready? The one-liner Oh, like if it was one

My fucking god ladies and gentlemen, if you're thinking about acting There's a thing called a one-liner in a tv movie Under five there were under five. No, no, no, no There's under five and then there's when you have a tv show and you have one line Whose phone is that ringing? Right? You know That type of shit. Yeah Those are the worst those are the worst auditions in the world

When you have to go into a room and for the three people and go Whose phone is that? I was going into these auditions one after the other after the other I would go for four auditions in one week and every week three and a half I had a fucking one-liner Oh, who sent you all those things like one line in the mobster movie You know, I mean fucking it was endless There was a parade of one-liners. I didn't know what to do one day on my way

To arlas I was going to read for lisa dow to some this I got my memories on the way there As I was walking I go. Oh, shit What the fuck is wrong with me? How stupid am I? Turn the one line into three Oh Because you go in let's say on the sheet of paper It says mom. What's for dinner? There you go. Okay. That's the line on the sheet of paper

You're actually gonna go in there and You're actually gonna go in there You're gonna fucking what's that when you set and you tell your name. Yeah, my mark or whatever you slate Hi, my name is joey deers. I'm reading for fucking and for dice clay Okay, you ready? My what's for dinner? Oh my god. That was great. That was great. Do you want me to do it again? No, no, no That was great. Thank you. Are you available on the 15? Yeah, they do that just to bust your balls. You weren't great Any fucking moron could have gone to that room and said that

The thing is yo ma action. What are we got action? My What's for dinner? Yeah, you just took 10 seconds just added beats to it. Yeah and turned it into 45 seconds I can't believe an acting class on monday night. It was i'm loving this shit amazing Once that came to me I would I wanted one line if you watch if you look at the imdb of me

There's a bunch of the bottom half you count those in half those are old co-stars And all those co-stars were one line All of them I did what was the show I did with the hot chick That was on abc. She played a detective for a while. Her father was the guy from spazito. No No, she was in uh american gangster. She was very good at american gangster She played the white dude's wife the ira The australian guy's wife at the park. Oh accent was good. She had a show one line. I had that Loan on a one line. I mean I just booked one line

Move then there was an amazing then there was a streak. I went on that was the beginning of every movie Wasn't spider-man a one-liner? Sure was By that time I was good at one liners By the time I went into that one. I sat at home. I scratched my head I sat on the guy on the train in new york. What am I supposed to look like? So I went in there with a white t-shirt and a Yankee hat

As hacky as I could be as they wanted you to be that's right. I was fat as shit And on the way there I stopped somewhere and I got like a fake newspaper and put it into my arm So I'm supposed to be on the train. He comes through I get to this audition Paulie walnuts just left Like they were there early. Yeah, like they had a bunch of new yorkers there early I was there with the guy from That movie with cloney and brett pit where they robbed the hotel I was in there with a bunch of dudes that booked a bunch of shit

This lady that booked this booked uh The richard gear movie with the hot chick the one that he became a fucking gangster over and the chick The one about the fucking hooker that he falls in love with the hooker pretty woman pretty woman pretty woman She booked nine and a half weeks So I was petrified already going there You had a park in the sony parking lot walk to the end the hell And it was july No, I read for it like one of those hot days in fucking march

One of those days in march returns 90. Yeah, and you go out you go out thinking it's gonna be 50 So I had the white shirt on with the yankee hat and I had a velour Black big daddy Sweat shirt on that weighed 20 pounds I walked across that lot with that fucking thing on I thought I was gonna die. I get to the audition I look at the call sheet I has all those people's names on them looking around the room guys Between you and me there's 30 gorillas in there all

from new york I got depressed I looked down and I go okay I went And little by little I slipped closer to the door And I listened to everybody action If you want to get to how you're gonna get through me cut. Thank you action You're gonna get to how you're gonna get to me I listened to 10 of them and right there figured it out. I'm gonna go in there rip this room apart as I walked in

I said hello to her and her assistant and the producer But as I walked in I saw I walked in Towards them and they were on my right but on my left there was a couch I forced them to slay me in front of the couch Okay Okay I go what do you want me to stand they go right there by the light I go and I went under the light by the couch The couch was behind me. Okay

They didn't even see it coming You don't even see it coming. I'm excited and I said this is spider-man too Take a look at my face. I got holes in it I'm on coke The only way I'm gonna fucking do this If I make them remember me. Yeah I'm 360 pounds at the time I went up for two days and with all this shit on my mind. I thought of this

And she goes action And I wasn't even looking at them. I look over at the camera And I took a pause and I swallowed like the fat dude and the chinese connection There's a scene where a fat dude looks over at bruce lee and he sees that it's bruce then he goes And he swallowed like a nervous like a nervous titch I swallowed And I go You want to get to him you got to go through me

With a little dot on my face and all of a sudden he's supposed to hit me with the tail. I flew backwards Landed on the couch 360 pounds the couch tipped over I tipped over my hat fell off. They both came over and helped me up. Who do you think got that rope though? I saw the movie. Did you see what I'm saying? I didn't get that rope because I was better than everybody I saw that couch and I made them think this is my opportunity to jump backwards like that whip Yeah in the sides and it was one of those auditions telling that you didn't know what was there that you got that Yeah, they gave you sides with your name on them that were blueprinted. So you couldn't take them Nobody was allowed to have them lee same with the wrestlers. I don't think the girl

I didn't we wouldn't have no lines. We just had to walk around the cage. Remember when they were having the big cage It's crazy lee in those days Men in black you had to get the audition there read it and give the line the sheet back on the way out That's because everybody was stealing and no camera. You couldn't take pictures of the fucking sheets Hilariously and now look they have entire seasons of Game of Thrones getting leaked How they do it on purpose everybody leaks on purpose. They're a bunch of lies. I know like a mysteriously got leaked Somebody leaked my naked photos. How do they know who's got naked photos guys? I have naked photos on the internet I want you to all look it up. Are they out there out there kidding?

People would be like what the fuck I'm just trying to give people something to do You don't leave it's funny that even with casting I'll put some up. We were talking about breakdowns A couple weeks ago how breakdowns or what people look for When you want to be in a movie or something they say i'm going to breakdowns To see what's in there today to see if you're in there

The problem with getting the breakdowns is you see the real nitty gritty. Yeah, and you know just like in the world of whatever Joe Diaz has a company. He sells medical equipment on the phone Based salaries any thousand dollars plus commissions and incentives and you got a rental car and you got a car Lisa act comes in. He's one of a hundred fucking applicants You know What lee doesn't know is my company we made it we cut a deal Because my brother's a fucking asshole He cut a deal with some people that for the first three years

Before we hire somebody they got to screen them. They're charging us 30 000 a year for a service. We could have done ourselves Okay, so that's what most people do not know. Yeah that they have an h&r department But I could give recommendations to But they do the final thing. Okay, let me explain some to you Who gets hired all the time in today's america? family Yeah, family. Okay friends. Yeah, at least I asked a great fucking family guy But let me tell you something. I don't know. I got a kid out of college. He's my friend. He's my god. So they need a job

Bad That's what lee doesn't know and he'll do it for 30,000 dollars less. He won't do it for 30,000. No, he's gonna get more. He's gonna get more than that That's how that works. It happens. It every that's how that works sometimes the most incompetent make the most money No, I agree with joey. You'll see over the years Listen, you'll see over the years how nephew just got drafted to the minnesota twins Oh, shit, right? So he's in their farm system. He's playing in a single A but he didn't get drafted out of college because they hire

family That you know People that they go one kid that got drafted like the puerto rican kid that he played on vcu. He was a shortstop He was fucking awesome. He didn't get drafted They him and jimmy were like the two bath. They didn't get drafted So they're like who the hell are they drafting? They look it up. It's like family members One kid got drafted to the chicago and then he got hurt he didn't play the whole year But he still got like, you know 100 grand or whatever it was for assigning bonus to get to the

It's like what what is this? So he had to play in a minor league ball club Then boost his stats up that way and then a scout saw him and then they put him on the twins so now he's in this system But it's just like They only hire family and they pay them out the wazoo Family and friend. I don't know more about sports. I mean, but I'm saying it happens now. It's everywhere now Like I know in the corporate world. We really don't know what we're going up against Yeah, so that's why when you apply for a job and you do a really good interview

And you go for the second interview and you don't get that position You never know what else is going on. Yeah the same thing happens with acting Yep, if you're a blonde and you're going in for that role Let me tell you something that director is fucking a blonde on the side. She's getting that role No matter if you go in there and you cry on the spot. Yeah, doesn't matter if you can make smoke go out of your ass Doesn't matter and I can't yeah, it doesn't it doesn't matter all that shit doesn't matter because at the end They're looking out for a friend like we all do in this fucking life. We all look out for that friend

Listen, put him in there. It's a day's work Yeah, you know, that's why in the beginning people really liked me. So nine out of ten It wasn't the role I was going in for But they felt so bad that they made me go for the call back that they were giving an apharis Oh, I love her. She did that movie about smoking weed. What's that movie? She did about getting high all day Good question. I don't know look at high mdb. I love an apharis. She's so funny I got to make her laugh in the or one in 2006 There was this Japanese director that did something big and he had all this heat on them

and one day an apharis is doing a movie about stoners and she Hires this director this director Like everybody's that I read for was like everybody I told I was reading for this one like dog You have no idea how bad as that director is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah He made me go in there three or four fucking times For two different roles that's how much he dug me and I didn't get both of them

And like a smiley face smiley face. Oh, is that a real thing? I mean, that's a real that's a real movie. Yeah That's fun. And it's an apharis an apharis and like a week before christmas. I get a call Joey, we're really sorry, but Can you come in for three hours? We'll give you scale. You're a security guard that chases her Thank you for being a sport coming in those four times We really loved you, but the produce is one a certain way, but I got a day for you There's a lot of people who do that. Yeah, because they know you actually stayed up and you struggled and you're yeah But every audition I got I could tell you a trick I did that nobody else figured out

I didn't go in there and do what everybody else did. I refused that's that's a lot of myself go in there You know before we started the podcast and we were talking about the statuses And lee was talking about like a UFC fighter like Do people think of later? I always thought of later here I didn't want to be that see I didn't know I didn't think that the age of 50. I'd be on the road I thought at the age of 50 between you and I honest engine that you would be I thought I would be Finishing up a tv show and about to get syndication money. That's what I really thought

Was it a big throw? No. No. No. No, I'm talking about I was a plumber I did six episodes a season as the funny plumber. I bent over you saw the crack in my ass you clapped I walked off stage I sold some tickets for a couple weeks until they found that I was a fucking pig And we all moved on that's what I thought the outcome was gonna be All right, I didn't know I was gonna be fucking cracking jokes Right, but I also knew that just in case I wanted to have an acting resume Because I didn't want to wake up one day where you're 50 with one fucking movie that you got

Because your friend put you in it but besides that you know You come here you become a stand-up But you gotta remember all our fucking idols did fucking movies I hate when most comics go well, this guy's a sellout or whatever from richard pride to fucking, you know And the jackie gleason they all did movies. That was the final Step of this journey. Yeah to do this as a fucking artist. And that's what you want to consider yourself as a fucking artist

You got the movies short films long films some theater I saw dude the other day that I got fired with I got fired from the theater production. It was the worst It was the worst piece of shit of all time. This is gonna be on korea time Oh my god theater in LA is brutal is just like signing a death warrant There is no way with one. I toured all over There is no future in fucking theater acting in LA. It is so badly That's how dumb I was no in history goes I tried to get to three different acting troops. I was one of those assholes for a while Gary Marshall's fucking theater

No, no, no, I did it all dick. I was part of iO for a while Then I realized all those kids were just rich kids that fucking were confused I want to write on that one. Let me go that way And I was at the three years that dad's like listen moron They gotta get a job, bitch. Yeah come back and sell staples for me sell staples Well, I didn't have that I can go home and no work at the typewriter store. Do you think I had a better off here? Did you really think it might sprout my b-plan must to sell blow I was gonna marry the mob. I mean I could still do it because they'll be on their like third divorce now

So I could sneak in there right the mob is done. That's how yeah, but I'm just saying these jackals that still live in my neighborhood They call themselves. No these poor guys. It's just weird that there was no I had an offer in atlantic city last week A guy said come on. I'll take care of you It's all right. I said ask my brother my brother jimmy was there So I go ask jimmy because he knew him if I can go out with you and then he went over to jimmy and jimmy He goes, is she really single and jimmy's like, yeah, she's single. Why would she lie about that? And then the guy goes, well, can I date her and jimmy's like you're too short. Get the fuck out of here Like just shit all over him

And the guy was like really He was about five one With a lot of confidence a lot That's what you all leave five. I'm five three Good boy five four. Maybe I'm a good day. Yeah, good confidence. I'm pretty I'm tall though. I'm kind of goonish. So I drift at a little height five eight That's pretty tall but for a chick and then I wear heels because I'm a dick Like I'll wear wedges just to piss on you. You know what I mean?

You're probably a good piss on me So all together how many years acting class do you think one day about oh man, uh all together in fauna irish climb adult I mean, I was everywhere your course three years at playhouse west two years at Uh, joe and baron d. W. Brown. I went to temple. I studied with steven stahl in philadelphia everywhere everywhere you can think of because it was something to keep you busy like If you weren't like you with comics you could go up every night and work on your craft As an actor if you don't have a job, you don't have a job. So you have to do the scene study classes

I would have like two and three going at a time. I I used to have scene study. My roommate was a An actor. So we would do scene study classes on our own Like it was just always it was everything I thought of and then I'd wait tables at the comedy star at night and break everybody's balls And they were like, why aren't you doing stand-up? And then 12 years later after waiting tables all that time. I finally hit me. Maybe I should do stand-up And it's been 10 years You believe that 10 years. I've been doing this already

stand That's for you February 10 years But you know what bro you went but like I could have started when I was 21 when I fucking came here Yeah, but you know what you I wasn't there yet. You sat you watched you saw what the life was about And I hated it inside. Look at it You know, no and listen nobody picks this fucking line. This this life is I knew how bad it was I knew how brutal the road was a life of punishment, man. Yeah the first five years Unless you luck out, you know, and I and I am blessed. Yeah opening for Andrew. No, no, no, but that is a big

blessing in that first couple years Like he he put me on the road with him and then I got boot off the stage So he let me go for that one year to really see if I was going to keep doing it And I did and then he brought me back and I've been with him kind of consistent ever since You got boot off the stage. How much of an education was that good? Let me tell you theater in the realm westbury music fair in long island So they're booing you from the front the side and you won't even drive past that place ever again No, I'll fucking kill somebody in that place

No, I I kill it governor My goal is to go back to westbury and fucking destroy them Because I was so nervous. I was sweating so bad on stage that my I had a cute little half bra Hands are sweating now telling the story My priest and I was like holding my hands under here. Anyway, so uh, I'm my bra I had a cute little half top like a half bra on under my cute shirt And it slid down dude and it looked like fucking tumors on my stomach That's how much you were sweating sweating. So about seven minutes of just booing booing booing. Nobody has an idea

They put it on my space. Nobody has an idea what What dying is for seven minutes seven minutes. It takes this quick This is seven minutes this quick. Yeah, but when you're loving it, it's two and a half hours maybe four Even if you have three minutes and you're dying at the first minute, you don't know what fucking life is Oh, fuck you. Are you still telling are you still telling jokes like five minutes in? Yeah, I say I'm from philly. Fuck the phillies like they play for the yankees or the fucking giants or whatever they're Fuck you the eagle stink. They start run off sports teams. I'm like, what the fuck and I'm throwing out a few good lines I think I had like two or three good lines and then I remember like catching eyes with my sister

She drove all the way up from south philly. Thank god She didn't bring her friend georgie martin cover us the soul, but he if he would have been there He would have fucking killed at least Thousand people was his sister boy. No, it's just she should have but she stood up and my sister We look exactly alike, but we're 10 years apart. She just looked at me like what do you want to do? I want to fight this whole fucking room. I'll start right in this section. You know what I mean? Like just two south philly animals ready to just take on long it was brutal it was so

And that's when he was like I got to see if because he wasn't going to go on stage Andrew and I went upstairs and I was like just go out there They don't want to see me. It has nothing to do with my act They just want to see you and like I'm trying to be brave. I'm like go out there And then he went out and he had the best set ever because he just shit all over everybody and Like he was how dare you fucking treat her like that. She's my family. You know what I mean? Like he was so angry But I also was dressed wrong. It was bad. It was

No, it was an education three months into stand-up. Oh, yeah You're not ready for fucking westbury The nerve of me to go to fucking westbury music fair to follow two opening comics, by the way And then we took an intermission and then I went out But we had oh, yeah, they told you he was I was waiting Yeah, he no he thought they were gonna love me Because we had the vh1 show on no, so he his brain is 1989

So in 89 when you're on tv, they love you because there was four channels back now vh1 fucking long No, it guy. I think they fucking canceled the whole network at that point. Oh, no, no, no, no brutal brutal That was terrible positioning. It was brutal. That was even a fucking experienced guy after an intermission It's got to be somebody high energy Even the two guys on before me to wake them up into missions When somebody calls me for a theater show with four or five comics The first question out of my mouth is who's opening up after the intermission Where would you rather go? I'll tell you what I will do it now

I'll tell you what I'd rather do. How about let me close out before the intermission check And I'm gonna stay there for the x hour and a half and then you're beaten That's where I want to be closing out the first half if you're gonna do an intermission It's terrible. That's the dumbest. If you got a big time headliner Put me on third to close up the intermission or put me on before the headliner, which he won't want to do that So that I knew that was gonna happen when they would call me for those things So I was always telling put me up Well, we want to put you before that line. Listen, it's not gonna work. He's gonna KO it

Guarantees us. They know Sure enough the guy would call it. Yeah, you're right. You're gonna we decided we decided we decided he didn't decide We decided that was a good idea jojo. We're gonna put you out There it's brutal. I can't even Like that doing that I would intermission is the weirdest thing I've ever fucking seen Like I get it if you're gonna do it and then just bring out the headliner because then they're gonna especially like a dice Because his crowds are so rowdy and like we were just embossed it on saturday The I thought these guys when I came out they looked at me like oh, it's a sacrifice

We're just allowed to take her right like I mean it was they were coming at you and this was just saturday So it's even worse when you're three months in Like andrew said he sat on the side and watched me because he thought I was gonna cut my set short That's how rowdy the crowd was they're yelling shit out So i'm putting fires out this last week just saturday night. Oh, yeah Yeah in boston. You're the opening. Yeah, but you just i'm saying you you still have to beat the shit out of them is the thing He opened with the poems. That's how fucking rowdy they were the poem if

You know, you're a quarterback When you're the first comic up you're a fucking quarterback Because you dictate the fucking you gotta stay in the pocket. That's one thing I learned at the comedy store on sunday night Then no matter who was going up Mitch he gave me the power to dictate the show do a minute in between them Feel them out do a new joke. Yeah, and something made me learn How to ship them from one direction to another a comic goes up there. He's fucking filthy He's fucking filthy and I know the guy behind him is gonna be fucking clean

I'm gonna do family material for a minute Just to change their mindset. That's something I know off the bat. I'm not gonna go up there carry on being fucking dirty No, you gotta reset the room one thing I believe in Okay, and this is rough coming out of my mouth. I don't want the first guy or first girl to be fucking dirty No, I get that I really don't want that person to be dirty You know when a promoter does that you're telling me you're ignorant You're putting three comics through the same if me and elinor are coming to your town. It's gotta be a clean check up front Clean spotless clean not a curse word could come out of them because by the time I go up there

They've heard everything then beat the death with curse words All right, so there's like this there's not only stand-up. There's a psychology to stand up and where you go When you go out and for the dice when I used to go out and we're roguing I'm the first guy up Yeah, my first four minutes are clobbering If they heckle I do not respond at all. I don't have time for heckle I'm like a fireman's hat The shit's hitting me and it's just flying off and eventually

They fucking stop. Yeah, they fucking stop That's what wheels does he talks over them. He said yeah, you got to talk over them. Yeah You got to talk over them because if not you're fucking It just doesn't fucking work. Yeah, if you react to those theater crowds, don't eat you up alive Well, that's what I'm saying. They just keep coming at you. You're like think of those fucking It's too many fires. I think of those pilot to bombardier guys That used to open up for fucking sam kennison. Oh, yeah I mean like think of those pilot to bombardier guys

Can you like go bow and like it's like it's like opening up for arty lang when he was on Howard stir. Oh, yeah that crowd comes in juiced up on fucking metha that they're meant to do All in company. They got everything in their fucking veins You think they want to put up with an opener they yell and scream and you know, we come back from the That show happened in philly with the bill burr and people saying that oh, yeah Well, the worst audience I ever seen in a music crowd was philadelphia sammy haygard was up on stage They were spitting on their fingers and flinging to spit off their fingers in 1982 81 Philadelphia was brutal

Philadelphia is always brutal. Here's the thing man. I always believe in the control you have on stage If they get like that, it's because you didn't do your job, right? Somewhere you did something you came out cocky. Yeah, you did something. I've seen tremendous comics Can't follow their intro Oh, yeah, like they they've made the intro so powerful that now people expecting smoke You know it backfires on you. I kind of got in trouble for that one. Yeah, David tell it backfires on you brother I'm such a big fan that I brought I was hosting and I was thrilled. You remember Dan Burr

He got me in that tempi improv and so rest in peace creepy motherfucker. It was fucking nuts. God. I loved him But anyway, so he got me that gig and I I gave a tell this I'm amazing and he pulled me aside and he's like, honey. I can't No, no, no, no, please don't I don't go. I'm so sorry like because I don't want to get fired But you know you have to you got to be careful. Yeah, no, no, no. He's like bitch. I can't follow Keep it short. Keep it quick and get it out. Boom. Boom. Boom. You can't sit there The one of the funniest things I ever did ever And I hope I don't know where this guy is today. This guy was one of the

When you write your your comedy memoirs, he has to be in there. He was a guy El Paso was one of the best weeks I had When I was that medium feature act Okay, freddy everybody did El Paso. El Paso was a tremendous It still is I kind of think it still is but the club has changed. He's changed a lot of things have changed But when he was in the Earl club the first one Mm-hmm I forgot what the trainer thought was what the fuck we told him I'm doing the circuit and El Paso

Featuring oh, uh, just following an intro Okay, so El Paso had this dude that cleaned up at night. Okay. He had the contract at the movie theater He had the contract of the restaurant and that was his last contract. So he would start at the at the fucking Comic strip and El Paso he'd go sweep the floor his vacuum Hand wipe the tables Clean the bar clean the bathrooms take out the garbage and then from there you go to the movie theater

Sweep the whole movie theater the bathroom some of his wife were a team And then from there they ended up at a restaurant where they Steamed the mats and the whole thing the guy told me his life But one day he goes fuck it. I'm gonna become a stand-up comic Okay, he started busting the oldest balls for fucking MC spots So between you and I and the guy had personality. He was a fucking street house. Was he funny or just he just He knew he knew everybody in El Paso So a hundred people come to the fucking shop and he knew little things and

One night he opened up for George Lopez and George Lopez told me was a star So he was off and running after that. He had a suit on after that He was the dump his wife for another woman the whole fucking thing this guy was hysterical Meanwhile, I love the suit. Listen to me. Leave it to the wife. Meanwhile. He he still cleaned the club at night, right? So he's walking around like fucking Frank Sinatra And I get down there And the first thing the owner Bart God bless his soul. He's a great dude Calls me over. He goes, listen when he comes over and asks you for a resume

Write out two pages Oh, I see like for an intro. Yeah, so I had to go that's hysterical that night I had to go to my fucking condo right, you know born in Cuba migrated to new york at the age of three with the captain school Oh, yeah, I gave it to basically your bio. He opens it up. He's like reading through it He comes up to me. He's like you want me to say all this I'm like, yeah that line I had like a eight page The first weekend when we tortured

Texas like an eight page and he went up to the first night Wednesday night in this fucking moron Rather more in the back howling Howling people and he can't even and they said any announcer voice. Yeah with the coming to the stage This guy played bitty basketball For the six street devils This six street It wasn't fun to the uniform We would crack him

Every comic that went there gave him a page resume every week Every time he hosted we tormented that guy, but the final still doesn't stand up. No We broke him We broke him under you see We You know how we broke him how he was the janitor We took those things you drop in the floor confetti

His vacuum didn't pick it up. He just gave me a flashback. You broke him at his jump He had to pick up each piece of fucking confetti man with his fingers. He said he was there for 20 hours straight him his wife the kids Everybody picks something up. He quit comedy. He closed them shop He got a decent day job and that was the end of that fucking remote Good you got him out man. Otherwise we'd still be dealing with that piece of shit. Oh my god That was such a fucking some people stay in it. That's what we were talking about earlier too that you stay in it and you don't

Like know when to get out. I was down there a lot One thing about bark I bless him when I was a feed track He put me down there two weeks in a shot and every time there was a cancellation. I get the call So there was a time period for like six months. I would go down there and that guy hosted three or four nights And by that time every time I went like I said, he started off as a janitor. Yeah and by like the Second time before I didn't see him anymore. He started wearing suits And he was booking an army base. It was hysterical a transformation. I would have died. He was booking a restaurant

He talked to to Pablo Francisco. Oh about doing a theater with him in Tucson. He mentioned my name I mean this guy was a big shot And then I got a hold of him those two weeks before new years I got him with the resume fucking gum under the chairs I went and bought packs of gum. That's brutal, bro. I put gum under the chairs So

He would I would come in he said he had a scraped the gum From chairs and who the fuck he was doing this I did it. I did that for the final week. And in the final week, I started sprinkling graffiti and he kept He goes putting graffiti on the floor. I don't know. Oh my god On the floor like a little bit. I'd put like I would have killed you like that's a movie where like the guy snaps It is it's it is like down the glitter or whatever it was And here's the beauty that he went to the management and said to them listen guys. I gotta tell you something Even the high-powered vacuums won't pull the things

From your floor confetti. Yeah, don't do it get the pop bottle And that's it the strings are easier to pick up the strings easier. They agreed. Trust me. I had to do it They went out and bought 22,000 pop bottles, but that didn't stop joey dears As soon as it's a happy new year. I started flinging that shit from a bag. Nobody do nothing The purple lights everything was dark That dude came in that night my phone rang that morning and ate dog Who the fuck threw graffiti up in the floor last I have no idea though. Yeah I was too busy doing on stage doing comedy

I'm fucked up me and my family is still here Picking up little things The club was closed for two days. They were there those two days Wow picking each thing up one by one. I mean that's and they stick to your finger They can't get him into the bag. Listen. I hear Juan Carlos at the comedy store just cursing as he's still there. Oh, yeah You see the problem is miss me see Eleanor I love let me fucking read the the shout out to you

I got to give a special thanks to jame crout for really helping out with my niece's campaign I love you to death james. Thank you for what you do reigning basio gregory harrison Joey crooklyn was happening Phil castillo Youssef gough Kirk our sorati Ray Dweck

And music while boozing podcast. I got you cocksucker. You know what I'm saying? We got you Don't forget next uh went thursday friday saturday The party starts thursday night At the pittsburgh improv in homestead. I know they say pittsburgh improv is to impress you But it's really in homestead. Don't forget September 28th to the 30th pittsburgh improv homestead homestead. I've heard nice things about homestead. It's nice I like it. I'm looking forward to you know, I've never been to pittsburgh. That's how silly I am

It's only six hours away from Philadelphia. I gotta take a plane No, I mean how a fucking flight. Oh, yeah, it's pretty quick that way So I landed Philly on wednesday and go to the hospital get a whole tower room Go to dinner with my brother smoke a couple bowls on Then thursday I wake up. I eat the free breakfast. There you go. I just take the shuttle to the fucking airport and uh Baboon do the first show thursday night Friday two shows saturday I come back. I'm home for two weeks and I go to tampa improv Nice and then that following week. We're only gonna do one podcast on monday night because I'm leaving too quick so

Uh That's the oh, you mean like because you're going back to back, right? I got yeah I gotta leave on the hardest part. Yeah when you leave on wednesday It's a little on the rough side for me, but I gotta tell you something You're paying me I committed to doing a job You know what? I feel a lot better if you came in on the day before I agree on both of these I'm not getting killed one day. I'll leave it to and the other flights at two

So at least I take mercy to school. Yeah, I eat breakfast with my wife, you know Lax is not that that bad at that time. I'm not fucking dying. Yeah, the only thing I don't think about those flights are usually delayed Really the one o'clock. Yeah You're dead till fourth 35 455 which ain't bad. You go get a nice lunch. You already ate an edible So you're on fire at the airport. You know what I'm saying? I get fucked up Trust me this last oh my god on the way to fucking oklahoma this week I got

Just Ripped out of my mind by mistake. Eleanor. What like you took too much. Yes. What happened, but you know I take these things at night the transmission fluid So today we ate two of them apiece these transmission fluids are a killer Last for your car or your body. No, they'll think that they're animals But I call them transmission because they clean everything up. No, they smell just like transmission Like if you dripped you off from a transmission that all that comes up This is exactly what it smells like. So anyway, they make a long story short

I gotta go on fucking friday morning. The show's on saturday. I want to get there. They want no problems. It's tornado alley They only have a direct on friday at ten in the morning gets me the three o'clock I have the guy pick me up at seven thirty I get in the fucking car. I already had a protein shake and my wife makes scrambled eggs one piece of toast And two little pieces of bacon. I'm on the way watching the fucking thing in the morning. She's driving me crazy, but it's working I fucking uh getting the car I talked to the And I go oh I packed two of them for the flight two of them. Would you gotta be crazy? It's seven thirty in the morning, which is late for you. It's late seven seven thirty

Yeah, I don't he'll take edibles at three a.m. I'll take him at three if I'm gonna fly on that six So I'm not this bad when you fly on that six that means you're gonna be in the air for fucking five hours You gotta be prepared. You got a time. You're edible. Just correct the moondo So it peaks at the three hour point So at the three hour mark, you gotta actually sit down and go should I jump off the plane? Do I want to watch another movie? You know what I'm saying? That's the feeling. Wait. Do you stay awake on the plane? Oh, yeah, I can't sleep. I gotta sleep back. He roams the plane. Oh my god. That's brutal. I'm sorry. I gotta make the best of it But when I go to new york, I understand when I go to new york or boss and I take fucking mint

Yeah, jeb blue. That's what we took on the way back and I plug that motherfucker in And I plug plug that sleep apnea machine and I slide that little door and I put that little sleep apnea mask after they bring me that fucking breakfast on I put that bed all the way back. I fold up my sweatshirt as a pillow. They give me a pillow Oh my god, your feet fit right under there. You put the air on your head And it's nappy new the time somebody always slips me a pill in new york Somebody always slips me a pill in new york or two. We took that home from boston like that I break that in half. I put it under my tongue after breakfast

But all I'm hearing is we're about to descend Pull your seats up and you're like But this week was completely different I get well, Oklahoma's shorter, right? I mean three and a half three and a half. Okay I got on the fucking plane. I get I'm in the fucking uber. I'm talking to the guy I go one of them. I'm gonna eat this edible We're starting to get to the airport fast because after you pass a certain point. There ain't no traffic on the floor. Yeah It's pretty fucked up. You're like, what is after you pass our sunset

Sunset your it's it's now you're doing Everyone's getting off and then you're fucked and into like right around the window four or five and ten feet for a second Yeah, anytime. There's another Right, right, right. They don't He said the first one is sunset and the second one is the 10 after the 10 You're the only one of the ho v lane the cops won't even pull you over Yeah, it'll it'll start around like Santa Monica. Maybe it's fucking crazy. Oh I keep a baby in the back. I just hit the 10

And I go, let me pop this out of it's gotta be five to eight I pop this hole towards a milligram. Now this thing hits if I eat at night It's me for about a half hour 45 What are you talking about? It's me. Look at me. Do I look fucking fucked up to you? Yes. Yes. All right, anyway To make a long story short I'm gonna hit you I'm sorry. I get to the airport. I'm checking in and I already feel it hit me I only had fucking eggs

I only had eggs. So I get upstairs. I get through there. It's terminal five. I see lemonade And I go in there and I get oatmeal and a fucking Watermelon. Oh, you mean that fucking weird place lemonade? Yeah, not the lemonade rest. I think it's called something else It's not lemonade. It's called something else. But their specialty is old-fashioned lemonade I always have the rosemary whatever man. No lemonade I never eat the eggs and then that shit. I always eat the fucking oatmeal. It's delicious there What they've done to lemonade. Yeah, let me tell you something by the time I got on that plane I put that I that fucking I Pound on whatever the fuck it is. I start listening to music, you know saying before I get off before the plane even takes off

I already listened to one album The fucking plane takes off. I gotta take some 30 minutes in the year I can feel my fucking I am getting fucked up And it ain't getting no better. I'm going. What do you do? What if you have an anxiety attack? I got two pills in the bag. I got everything in the bag toothbrush heart blood pressure medication Two xanax

One ambient I got more shit in that bag than fucking a pharmacy. I'm like drugstore cowboy. Yeah I'm like matt dillon and drugstore cowboy joey pharmacy because I know I'm gonna have an anxiety attack any day from those edibles I also got a vapor pan. I'm prepared But I always I have a prescription for anxiety medication I just really never fucking taken unless I'm I haven't taken edibles. I'm afraid the edibles don't give me a little anxiety so there's a point where The edibles are gonna be anxiety, but no, let me tell you something

I don't drink alcohol on the planet and do nothing I just chomping this nicotine gum and I drink water like a motherfucking dog And I get fee zizzled. Do you understand? I get Fucked up. We land. I'm fucking lit I mean when we landed I was fucking lit. I'm gonna get the apple going. Oh It's only three in the air I got on that fucking thing me and kate drove the indians

Nice little indian lady and the driver drove us to the thing I went to my room. I don't know. It was the first time it was a long time. I didn't know what to do with myself I was walking around the room with my me undies on With socks on with me undies with no shirt on do you remember what's designed was it like the camo the camouflage? The green camouflage because I always fly with sweatpants on No, I'm done I got some nice fucking gear

From those people that make the the sport stuff immediately You know the sweatshirt I gave you Mike Tyson and stuff. Oh, right. Um, roots of fight roots of fight Box last week And they always send me sweat gear So I mean they sent me two pants these sweatpants So I wear one to go there and want to come back No more fucking belt to nothing

I put a white t-shirt on to look nice Ironed, you know me old school. Yeah, philadelphia. Enjoy the paletano And I put a sweatshirt on a hooded sweatshirt. So I looked decent Let me tell you something at the two-hour mark. I was on fire on that point It was fast too. I didn't put and I had the computer with uh Lemonade, right? It's because of the sugar. I don't know. It don't matter. I was on fire. We land. We go back to the hotel room I don't know what to do. I said, fuck. I'm gonna take a shower and go downstairs and eat had a bunch of plans Right before I live in a shower with this fucking

All right, a bunch of plans dog. I was gonna do this dad. I was gonna hang out with the indians play the film Smoked a piece pipe right play wheel of fortune Fucking get go to the steakhouse. Yeah, the next thing, you know, I had this creepy tiredness lurking over me I go, you know what? Let me put this sleep apnea machine together I put that sleep apnea machine together. I looked in the thing and there was a little bag I forgot they gave me a chocolate chip oatmeal coconut cookie when I checked in I fucking took that little chocolate oatmeal cookie and I bit into that motherfucker that had a value with it And dog I snuck from 4 30 to 7 30

I woke up I fucking took a shower. I got I called Kate. She said she passed out I was still high when I went to dinner I killed the dinner had a cup of soup a salad A six ounce filet and a lobster tail And a piece of bread with butter there you go that fucking that transmission fluid had me going For a whole day. That's crazy a whole fucking day 200 milligrams Usually 200 milligrams nothing happens. It's like a fucking walk in the park like on a piratey funko joey

You know what's that? I don't take anything. I don't do any drugs I sit on the plane the minute they start that fucking thing. I'm out like a light God bless you till they land sometimes they have to wake me up The only time I ever took something was when we went to australia Because it's like 15 hour flight. What'd you think? Um, my ex gave me like, um I think it was valium. That's the first time I ever took it But he's like I started having anxiety about flying over seat like over water Because you know, I never leave the states

You know, so I don't we don't go over So I started panicking like oh fuck. Okay. I like I don't mind if we go down and hit land But if we hit water I'm terrified of the ocean. That's perfect. The shark will be right there to bite you in the hope so nobody fucking loses nothing But in my head it gives you anxiety. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's fine. Everything's fine in the airplane But it gives you anxiety. So your brain starts fucking me. So I'm like 15 hours. I can't sit sit still I think I'm gonna sign up for that shit. I know I don't give a fuck. Well, what interesting Let me tell you I don't give a fuck what type of people how interesting they are

What's the football? Is it Vicodin? Is it or value? I don't know. They make all different sizes I took a tiny oh, it's xanax. Yeah, okay. I took a tiny piece of that I slept after I filled out the fucking form. They make you fill out whatever. Here's your form lady I put the blanket on me. I slept they woke me up when we landed good for you The guy Whitney we were getting off the guy that was sitting next to me to try to talk to me in the beginning I'm like, it's not gonna work for you, buddy. I'm out like I have anxiety. I'm a fucking mess I always say that like I woke up and I'm like, fuck. Did I just get raped by Bill Cosby? Like that's how high I was

For 15 hours 15 fucking hours And then the guy like we're walking out and it was all like these crew guys They were I forget who it was Miley Cyrus or somebody they were for so they were walking out and They were meeting up with each other as we were walking out and the one guy said to the other guy Oh, how was your flight? He goes it was good. He goes She slept the whole way It's talking about like I can hear you fucker, but I did I on the way back. I woke up the last two hours And that that was and that's not bad. That wasn't terrible

You know you wake up you look at the clock. You have two hours left. You're like god damned But I definitely lost a chunk of my brain from that because I put me out I'm a week, you know, I'm an easy target if anybody wants to drug me. I'm just like, you know Listen, man, I'm happy you took the time to come on tonight You got balls of steel always a pleasure. I love it. Thank you host the comedy store with what's in there Rick Ingram and I we host the comedy store podcast youth every week. We have a every week. Yeah

Yeah, sometimes it's a pain in the ass because like you said we're traveling I was just going for 12 days and then in august I was out for like two and a half weeks on the east coast I took a little vacation with my family and did some gigs. I was supposed to Uh roast Pete rose and it got cancelled Because he was uh, apparently he fucked us and a few other underage girls. So some shit went down But that would have been fun, man. He's what an easy target. They never stop on Pete Poor fucking Pete, bro. He never ends with my boy Pete. Nobody knows how much I love Pete as a young man Pete meant everything to me

And then some the hardest worker there's somebody told me he was Cuban and I lost my mind I go, who fucking told you? He goes, I'm telling you my teacher told me that barone to bust my balls I love that He says he's Cuban. He goes, I go, what did you see that he goes? I saw one night talking like a stomach hurt And all of a sudden he goes His name is Pedro Rosario And I fucking died dog. I went home and told my money, you know, Pete rose curious as I get the fuck out of here Go to your room

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Nature box me on these Eleanor carrigan and my main man lisa. Yeah, you bad motherfucker. I'll see you motherfuckers wednesday night Or not. I'll see you in penceburg next thursday. Have a great week. I'll talk to you motherfuckers wednesday night. Stay black Hey Listen to the wind blow Watch the sun rise Run in the shadows damn you love damn you lie And if you don't love me now

We'll never love you again I can't still hear you say it Never break the chain You don't love me now We'll never love you again I can't still hear you say it Never break the chain Listen to the wind blow

Down comes the night Run in the shadows damn you love damn you lie We'll break the silence Damn the dark, damn the light And if you don't love me now We'll never love you again I can't still hear you say it You will never break the chain

You don't love me now We'll never love you again I can't still hear you say it You will never break the chain You don't love me now We'll never love you again I can't still hear you say it You will never break the chain

You will never break the chain You will never break the chain You will never break the chain You will never break the chain You will never break the chain Run in the shadows Run in the shadows Run in the shadows

Run in the shadows Run in the shadows